#they know me so well.....kaz is in my brain

[catdoingblep]

Wylan Van Eck when Kaz hired him to make phosphorus bombs strong enough to fight with Darkling: no, I’ve never done this, but I am 🌈gay🌈, so how hard could it be… who need skills if you have ✨gay✨

[song-of-the-rune]

Drew an icon for Rikky so I can stop using his old pre-reincarnation one and I was like "wow!! I got some amount of texture in this! I'm getting better, can't wait to - ah fuck, it looks like a picrew :("

[lilisouless]

Mrs Ghafa: when did you realized you were ready to be a parent?

Kaz: well, not to brag but the queen herself inspired me

…

Zoya: YOU ARE A SICK MAN! NO,SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! YOU KNOW I SHOULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED FOR THIS? WHAT PART OF YOUR SICK BRAIN MADE YOU THINK IT WAS OKAY TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO GIVING YOU FULL CUSTODY OF MY CHILD?…

Kaz : she said “i love you uncle Kaz”

Zoya: YOU-ARE-NOT-HER-UNCLE, AND IF YOU WANT A CHILD SO BAD YOU SHOULD GO AND HAVE YOUR OWN AND LEAVE MINE!

…

Kaz: she told me that i totally should be a father

Inej: well…not a lie ,technically

[shaykappa]

Favourite/Funniest Lines From Six of Crows

"I am a businessman," he 'd told her. "No more, no less." "You are a thief, Kaz." "Isn't that what I just said?"

"I like it when men beg, but this isn't the time."

"Go tell your general to keep the Black Tips out of Fifth Harbor and that we expect him to make amends for the shipment of jurda we lost, plus five percent for drawing steel on neutral ground and five percent more for being such a spectacular bunch of asses."

"Oh, it's worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don't get paid."

"Really, Jesper? If I want to watch men dig holes to fall into, I 'll find myself a cemetery."

"Please, my darling Inej, treasure of my heart, won't you do me the honor of acquiring me a new hat?"

"I had a question. About your mother and whether the rumors are true."

"I won't trust you to tie my shoes without stealing the laces, Kaz."

"You wouldn't know a good time if it sidled up to you and stuck a lollipop in your mouth."

"Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minute. Oh and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketed skills." "No one dances the minuet anymore."

"What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?" "Knife to the throat?" "Gun to the back?" "Poison in his cup?" "You are all horrible."

"Moose is probably your native tongue."

"I don't need a nursemaid." "More like a chaperone, but if you want him to wash your nappies and tuck you in at night that's your business."

"I am glad I am bleeding all over your shirt." "I'll put it in your tab."

"Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I 'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost." Brekker's lips quirked. "I 'll just hire Matthias's ghost to kick your ghost's ass." "My ghost won't associate with your ghost." Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.

"I am going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me." "Why don't you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That's what the big players do." "You know what the really big bosses do? They pay someone to pay someone to..."

"Wake up you miserable lump of muscle."

"It's not natural for women to fight." "It's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall, and yet, there you stand."

"Just flip it open to the back." "So?" "Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face."

"And I can tell you 've never given thought to your haircut."

"Nina is everything you say. It's too much." "Mmm, maybe you are just not enough."

"Well, we've managed to get ourselves locked into the most secure prison in the world. We 're either geniuses or the dumbest sons of bitches to ever breath air."

"What is he doing?" "Performing an ancient Zemeni ritual." "Really?" "No."

"Saints" he said. "That bad?" "No, you just have really ugly feet."

"If any of you survive, make sure I have an open casket. The world deserves a few more moments with this face."

"How do we cross? I don't see anything." "Because you are not worthy." "I am also not nearsighted. There's nothing there."

"Yes I know, then a tree tells you the secret handshake."

"If only you could to girls in equations." "Just girls?" "No, not just girls."

Djel says you're a fanatic, drunk on your own power. Come back next year.

They are in trouble. Or you were dead wrong about Matthias, and you are about to pay for all of those talking tree jokes.

"I. Should. Let. You. Die."

"Behave or Nina Zenik will get you?" "Well, I do like the sound of that."

"Son of a bitch." "What is it, boss?" Rollins held up his watch chain. A turnip was hanging from the fob where his diamond-studded timepiece should have been. "That little bastar-" Then a thought came to him. He reached for his wallet. It was gone. So was his tie pin, the Kaelish coin pendant he wore for luck and the gold buckles in his shoes. Rollins wondered if he should check the fillings in his teeth. "He picked your pocket?" No one got one over Pekka Rollins. No one dared. But Brekker had, and Rollins wondered if that was just the beginning.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

It’s gone midnight and I’m thinking about Six of Crows so y’all know what that means: it’s time for a long rambling thought process that will hopefully have some interesting insights into the books in it.

I want to talk about the animal, mostly bird, symbolism of these books because although it’s obviously something we’re very aware of I also think it’s something that runs a lot deeper than we necessarily always realise/talk about. Even when people aren’t being directly involved in bird metaphors (crows, pigeons, peacocks) they are often described as “squawking”, “flapping”, or with other phrases that further this semantic field.

Now the crows is obviously the main source of the symbolism, and it’s openly talked about in the book with the speech on how the recognise human faces and how they support each other. I’ve also seen a few people online talking about the Crows in conjunction with a poem/nursery rhyme about crows (it’s one of those that has many different versions spun of it, some know it was counting magpies rather than crows) wherein 6 crows symbolises gold, of course greatly linked to the plot of the novels as well as their anti-extreme capitalism message. It’s also key to mention that crows are massively underestimated birds in the general public view; they’re far ‘smarter’ animals than we would typically expect. Crows have a very high brain to body mass ratio, I believe the highest of any birds but don’t quote me on that, and although we understand very little about the brain the size ratio is currently considered a very good indicator for the general intelligence level of the animal. Crows can make tools, hide their food, mate for life, and - VERY interestingly for this book analysis - have even been suspected to hold funerals. Now I want to be clear I’m working on a mix of random knowledge and the first helpful looking website that came up when I googled ‘fun facts about crows’ so I am by no means an expert here, but to my understanding the practice that was initially considered to be a ‘crow funeral’ is actually a process wherein crows will gather around a dead crow to look for potential danger. So I feel like the links I’m establishing here are relatively obvious, the point is that, like the birds themselves, the Crows are undervalued, underestimated, and unexpectedly successful. But the symbol of the crow in these books arguably goes even further.

The crow-headed handle of Kaz’s cane represents everything about the crow I’ve already mentioned on top of his own symbolic layering to the cane as a sign that no part of him has not been broken, and no part him is not better for having been broken. So in Chapter 27 of Crooked Kingdom, when Kaz returns to the Slat and fights the Dregs before leading a coup against Per Haskell, the cane with the fake crow’s head that Haskell has contrived to mock him effectively represents the failing of everything the Dregs represent. They’re last, the remnants, the people with nowhere else to go: they are the people who have been broken and have made something new for themselves. Except Haskell. So the sheer ridiculousness of him mocking Kaz’s cane, something he clearly thought would win him favour and success, in the end becomes one of the biggest aspects of his downfall. Inej describes the moment when the Dregs begin to support Kaz, the way the look at Per Haskell with discomfort - “the feathers in his hat, the canes in his hands” (and then she goes on to highlight how they’ve seen Kaz use his cane in fights, “wielded with such precision”, whereas Haskell is washed-up, pathetic, never could have taken the fight Kaz did and walked out the other side). Of course they realise, then, how completely and utterly wrong all of this was. Because when they’re confronted with both of those canes they realise something. They know what Kaz’s cane represents; it’s power and strength in spite of a world that has that has scorned him, it’s taking something that was broken and not fixing it but emphasising it and making it into a threat, into a symbol, into a strength. They know that, even though they don’t know what happens in Kaz’s head, because they see themselves in that. The Dregs; the literal bottom of the Barrel, who have been broken and who have clawed their way to survival. They cannot see themselves in Haskell’s mockery cane. Haskell is not a man who reflects what the Dregs are at their core, but Kaz is. The emphasis on the feathers is also really interesting, because I think it’s implying a sort of gaudy, colourful feathering that (despite fitting in with the style of the Barrel) does not represent the symbol of the crow; it is not something shadowed, something half hidden that could have an unexpected bite. It’s almost more akin to Heleen’s gaudy peacock feathers than it is to anything the Dregs understand, or represent through being Crows.

The pigeons I don’t really see anyone talking about, but I think it’s pretty interesting. The idea of ‘the pigeon’ is the same as ‘the mark’; they’re the victim, the fool who’s easy to swindle. I think the imagery of the fools being pigeons, ie being everywhere and massively populating big cities, is really clever to show a divide between the few, the Crows, and the many, the pigeons. However, it’s not only the Crows who remark on others being ‘pigeons’, but other gangs as well. When Kaz confronts Pekka about the scam he ran on him and Jordie, he says “you were just two pigeons, and I happened to be the one who plucked you”. I’m not gonna lie to you guys I’m losing my point slightly, but I just googled ‘crows and pigeons’ and the first thing that came up was about how crows sometimes eat pigeons so I reckon that’s pretty relevant.

Ok I’m really tired and I feel like I’m clutching at straws here, so I dunno I guess if this does well then I’ll cover peacocks, lions, and the general semantic field of birds in another post. I hope at least some of this made sense, thanks for reading it if you bothered to get this far

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

She Kept Him Human

pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: fluff

el's thoughts: requested by @jahayla-parker .. ahhhh 30ish mins and 700 words, not bad haha hopefully this got me out of my writers block and hopefully this is somewhat alright... given the fact that my brain is half dead right now and it's not edited- like at all :)

Kaz tore his eyes away from the papers sprawled across his desk when he heard the heavy wooden door creak open. Familiarity settled in his chest as Y/N padded across the floor grabbing his blanket off his bed and curled into the window seat next to his desk. His eyes scanned over her figure taking in her appearance. Her hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions most likely from her tossing and turning. Her slightly red eyes and dark circles. She wrapped the blanket around herself tightly, bringing her knees up to her chest as she rested her head against the cold window. He watched the lights from the building reflect in her eyes as she scanned the city as if looking for a distraction.

No words were exchanged between the two as a comfortable silence settled around the pair. This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence and at this point, Kaz looked forward to the nights she made her way to his room. The reasons for her coming up always varied between being bored, not being able to fall asleep, or having nightmares. He was always able to tell given her mood and appearance. Tonight was nightmares. He knew eventually they would talk about it but he waited till she was ready. Till the vacant look faded from her eyes and she felt present again. 

He finished signing a few papers and placed them aside, trying to draw his attention away from the girl beside him. Finally, a sigh slipped past her lips as she turned to face him, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me for nothing.” He watched her lips curl into a small, tired smile. “You know it’s not nothing to me.” He tilted his head to the side in a slight nod before he stood and moved to his washroom. 

Y/N watched him slide his gloves off and run the tap water over his hands before splashing his face. He was quick to dry off and make his way back to his chair, leaving his gloves on his sink. His eyes met hers with patient expectation and that was her sign he was ready to listen. 

“I miss them so much.” She spoke with her voice muffled behind her knees as she rested her face against her blanket-clad legs. He didn’t ask who she was talking about since most of her nightmares were the same thing. The death of her parents.

“I don’t know why I can’t get the images out of my mind…” She sighed, “Okay well it’s not a completely unreasonable thing, but it’s driving me mad, Kaz.” She looked at him, her eyes started to tear up, “I could’ve-”

“Don’t.” He cut her off before she could go down the familiar spiral. “We’ve been down that road and we both know it leads nowhere. Don’t start yourself on that. You couldn’t have done anything, Y/N.”

She inhaled sharply and blinked rapidly. To anyone else, his words would’ve come across harsh and insensitive, but to Y/N they were comforting and a reminder that she wasn’t alone. He knew her just as she knew him. He would be there for her in her weakest moments just as she was there for him. It was a mutual thing that had grown on them over time, it was them. 

“I know, I know.” Her voice sounded heavy but Kaz could tell she was composed, letting go of those memories. Her mind wasn’t haunted anymore and was ready to fall back into a peaceful sleep. Silence filled the room once more as a yawn slipped through Y/N’s lips. “Can I…?” She pointed to his bed and he only nodded before turning back to his desk. She was quick to walk to his bed and curl up under the blanket, burying her nose into his pillow while inhaling deeply. A feeling of warmth spread through his chest as he watched her actions discreetly. Knowing the fact that she found comfort in him, he managed to convince himself that he might not be the monster he thought he was. At least not completely. Not with her around. She kept him human, and he was silently grateful.

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

Hi! I ended up reading through Choas Plan in pretty much two days (your writing is actually phenomenal) but I was actually curious on your inspirations to write it? Did it come from any other particular works or maybe episodes from sp?

WHAT NO WAY😭😭😭😭😭😭WHAT THE HELL THAT'S SO NICE HOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH <33333

You can't just ask me shit like that dude I will respond with a huge fucking essay I LOVE questions like that!!!!

I honestly have several inspirations, many come from the show itself and some I've drawn from cyber crime documentaries and books I like (namely the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo, you might recognize the scene with Mysterion and Harris in chapter 3 is very VERY similar to the one between Kaz and Jan Van Eck at the beginning of the book), but if you've read the notes in the fic you might have seen that the story idea was initially born when I was playing TFBW.

The Idea

The U-Stor-It scene where Butters/Chaos locks the C**n and Friends in the facility and talks to them through a screen was just so fascinating to me, it reminded me a lot of Jinx from Arcane and the Joker in The Dark Knight (especially because of the flashy decorations and graffiti). Mainly the story evolved from the question I posed to myself in that moment, which was: "What needs to happen for Butters to become someone like Jinx?" and that's how I started brainstorming the backstory.

The Backstory

Obviously that was inspired mainly by Linda's behavior in Butters' Very Own Episode, but it features elements from stuff all over the series and the games that prove just how fucked up Butters' parents are and treat him.

(Remember when in TFBW he mentioned that they bought an electronic lock system to keep him in his room because he left the bathroom once while grounded? yeah, that convinced me Butters' home life probably would only get worse with the years, especially with him entering his teens & puberty, and Post Covid honestly just confirmed that.)

The Villain/Hero Concept

I hadn't yet watched much more of South Park than up until seasons 15/16 so I didn't know about Post Covid's Vic Chaos yet, I mostly just wanted to do something with Mysterion and Chaos that had a darker and serious tone without either of them having any Marvel-esque powers or tech-organizations aiding them, something closer to the South Park lore at hand and realistic enough to feel like it could happen in our world.

Chaos' Methods

With Butters having a knack for Internet-related shit and him being able to hack into a baseball stadium screen to broadcast his evil plans in the Professor Chaos episode, and ofc his whole thing in TFBW and the episode of him becoming a pimp, I figured he has the stuff to be a hacker and entrepreneur.

I started getting spoilered a lot on the whole Vic Chaos and NFT scammer thing so even though I hadn't watched Post Covid I drew a lot of inspiration from that as well. I've been watching a lot of documentaries on Cryptocurrency scams and other cyber crime related stuff, so yeah all that shit also gets my brain generating a bunch of ideas as well.

Mysterion

As for Kenny/Mysterion's side of the story- I'm a huge fan of the "criminal who gets paid by a shitty pig/capitalist who would normally never hire them to take on a job" concept in Six of Crows, so that's how I got Harris involved, later further fueled by his Thin White Line arc in TFBW.

The way Kenny used his death powers in the C**n & Friends episodes I found very intriguing, and I absolutely LOVE playing around with them, so I included my own interpretation & spin of it as an active "superpower" he uses in order to be successful enough as a vigilante to be taken seriously. His canon powers separate him from your average humanbeing. It's a way to show the audience "hey look, Kenny really is just some guy, but also no one else could take on this role, ever. He may not have super strength or speed or money for equipment backing him, but he can get into places and out like no other person ever."

Coming up with a kryptonite-type weakness was also super fun, because I didn't want things to just be too easy. Mainly it's his need to remain anonymous, but the biggest reason for that need is because he needs to keep up his ability to financially support Karen. That, I obviously got from the show-, namely episodes like Mysterion Rises, The Poor Kid and City Part of Town, but his dynamic with Karen got increasingly more interesting and influenced in the fic after I played the TFBW DLC From Dusk Til Casa Bonita. The fact that he's so obsessed with keeping her safe the best way he knows how but completely overlooks to consider letting her have a say in it, is absolutely delicious. Like fuck yes, let's go complicate these character relationships (rubs hands evilly)

TL;DR

Inspirations come from all over, but of course the main ones do come from the show and games. Kenny and Butters have always been increasingly fascinating characters to me the more I watched the show, so the fact that Kenny canonically is the only kid Butters respects (source: s16, Ep "Going Native"), to an extent that in the future Butters funded his entire career, I thought had a shit ton of potential. Hence their friendship in the fic before "the incident", and the way Butters goes about Kenny now that he's taking over the town >:)))

Thank you SO SO MUCH for the ask!!!! I hope I didn't ramble too much for what you actually wanted to know, but I just absolutely love sharing my inspirations for this fic. Really gets my brain go brrrrr heheheh I'm so so grateful that this interests you <33333

[jackwolfes]

demigodbeautiies' end of 2023 grishaverse fic rec list ✨

this list is a selection of grishaverse fics i read and enjoyed in 2023! i've also had the absolute pleasure of getting to know a lot of these writers and hope you enjoy any of these fics if you give them a read 😊

///

spring cleaning by CSHfic and VSfic: G, Gen. Nina and Jesper help Wylan redecorate. i'm such a sucker for post-canon fics and this is a very very sweet one

put up with the rain by tepesh (@voidfishersong) : T, Gen. Kaz and Inej learn something about Jesper. tastiest fabrikator reveal fic i've ever bloody read

those who pull us free by @the-jennnster: M, Wesper/Gen, hurt/comfort. Wylan deals with nightmares. super artfully written, short and sweet and the right kind of painful.

like gravity by @basicbard : M, Wesper, angst with light smut. Super beautifully written

the open door invites the thief by thegoldenkneazle (@wylanvanfeck): M, Kanej/Gen. Wylan ends up in the midst of something he shouldn't, shenanigans ensue.

when crows blush by talking-crow (@six-of-crows-hyperfixation): E, Wesper, Smut. Wesper work in an office together and fuck around. super fun, super hot.

the pleasures of altruism by dimtraces (@doorsclosingslowly): E, Kazper, Smut. look me in the eye and tell me jesper WOULDN'T fabrikate a fucking machine for his best friend

bite my lips (lover red) by the_lady_king: E, Wesper, Smut. i just think it's really fun and really hot so it's going on the list.

contrast ratio by anonymous: E, Wesper, Smut. Jesper and Wylan have fun with hidden cameras. i wont lie this fic rewired my brain a bit in a very, very fun way.

holiest thing i know by @chaosride: E, Wesper, A/B/O. omegaverse can be a bit of a marmite trope but this fic in particular plays around with ketterdam's worldbuilding in a very intriguing, well done way and it's also just really hot i'm ngl

screw top rose by calicomma: E, Wesper, trans!Wylan. impeccable tender domestic romance vibes.

///

and the shameless self promo zone below because i've written a lot of things i'm very, very proud of this year 💖

a choice of two locked doors: M, Wesper, arranged marriage au. my current magnum opus and general baby, incredibly proud with the way this turned out.

the bed we loved in: M, Wesper, immediately post canon hurt/comfort. just, very pleased with the vibes of it.

not just girls: E, Wesper, trans!Wylan character study. really gratified with how much this seems to have meant to people.

[reonnex]

Wesper Fanfic wip

This is a wip of a wesper fic I had been writing! I know I should be updating my own fic but I was kinda stuck on the next chapter and decided to write something else for a break as that has been the only thing I've been working on since middle of April :)

Note that this is not edited at all and only one small section of it! (Minor cw for mentions of the tonics Jan Van Eck gave wylan and his not so great parenting skills)

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Jesper laughed after a joke Wylan had made, setting the bottle of vodka down on the table infront of them as the night continued on.

Jesper and Wylan had just finished a report on the lastest stocks and had been able to sell some new business that they had been stressing about the past few weeks, which they had to celebrate the fact.

Marya was staying away a few days visting Plumje and Alys who Marya viewed as family as well. She didn't see her as a daughter but did family even need a label?

Wylan had been worried about how Marya and Alys would get along, but he had nothing to worry about! Sure there was a little tension at first. Marya being Van Ecks first wife he tried to kill and Alys having to deal with Van Eck now in Hellgate. But after just a few hours the two became inseparable. Gossping and grinning like friends who kne each other for years.

So naturally, Jesper and Wylan had the night to themselves.

Like school boys breaking into their parents wine collection, Wylan had grabbed a few bottles from the wine celler a laughing giggling mess as he handed one to Jesper.

About only thirty minutes in to the night, Wylans cheeks were bright red now with a lopsided smile and his eyes seemed a bit unfosued.

"Im just saying-" Wylan giggled as the drink sloshed in his hand. "Think about it! Talking is just so interesting! Me just moving my mouth is sending vibrations through the air- Soundwaves- like how does thay even work? How can my body store information in my brain and I can transfer that data out by vibrations so perfect that they form sounds? Or words? For that matter why cant an instrument make words? Why can't an instrument talk to us!" He asked with full seriousness.

"Saints Wy you're such a lightweight." Jesper had laughed shaking his head. "You haven't even had a full bottle yet."

"Psh- I've drunk before! Drank...? I am drunk but I have drank plenty of times."

Jesper laughed out again. He could feel the tug of the acholol on him as well, and was definitely starting to feel drunk right now.

But definitely not as drunk as Wylan.

"You went to mercher parties growing up. How are you this drunk over not even one bottle?"

Because the ones they served at those parties are weak!" Wylan snorted. "They're like- sparkling water. And for your information Jesper Llewellyn Fahey." He teased. "I was too young to drink anything there before my father stopped taking me out in public. " He chuckled, as a unsettling feeling crept into Jesper at that comment. "The barrel though. Now this is drunk material." He held the glass up to the sky. "If this was given out to Merchers then...they would pass out. No one would be able to hold their liqueur. Maybe Kaz should replace them all next time if he wants to know secrets so badly."

Jesper laughed and shook his head again as he drank from his own glass, amused by Wylans rant.

"I used to hate drinking." He said after a moment.

"Im shocked." Jesper replied, gesturing to the now empty bottle sitting on the table infront of them.

Wylan shoved him playfully, resulting in Jesper snickering.

"Im serious!" He slurred out. "Did you know that acholol orginally was made up from rice, honey, and hawthron fruit?"

"I did not." Jesper smiled.

"Yeah! Though it could of just been grapes but it was found in residue clay pots in Shu-Han like- thousands upon thousands of years ago."

Jesper could listen to Wylan ramble for hours.

"Well technically acholol is just the name of a whole rang of molecules that are formed when oxygen and hydrogen atoms bind with an atom of carbon." Wylan explained as he drank more from his glass, frowning when nothing came out before looking back to Jesper. "But in alcoholic drinks, acholol is just the specific small molecule, ethanol." He replied.

"The ethanol....ethanol..." he snapped his fingers as if trying to find the word before finally continuing on. "Taste reminded me of my medication."

What?

"Medication?" Jesper frowned. This was not the direction he expected this coveration to go.

"Yeah!" Wylan smiled out. "Couldn't stand the smell of it for like the longest time. I would get nauseous and worry the doctor my father hired would give me more." Wylan said with such little care.

"Slow down what medicine?" Jesper asked, moving to place his drink down before leaning back on the couch, looking at Wylan worriedly.

"You know! The medication to cure me. To...to try to fix my brain to get me to read? I told you about it didnt I?"

No. No Wylan didn't.

[restinslices]

Mortality

Jesper Fahey x Spouse (no gender specified) Word count: 2150 Summary: You and Jesper aged differently. You aged as any Otkazat’sya did. Jesper on the other hand is Grisha and ages much slower. As your mortality gets closer and closer, you and Jesper have a much needed talk. Wrote this on my phone at midnight😀

People could say a lot of negative things about Jesper Fahey. 

He was a shit gambler, a flirt, a drunk, he didn't think, he could be selfish at times, he could give you a headache with one sentence, among other things that could make anyone go in the opposite direction. 

But it was impossible to say he wasn't loving. Jesper held onto people and treated everyone like family, even when there were conflicts. There were plenty of times when you and Jesper would have a disagreement, yet he still looked at you like he'd both die and kill for you. Jesper could sometimes make promises he'd easily break for the right price. The promises he made to you though? There was no card game, no shiny gun, no heist, no amount of cash that could make him turn on you. 

Jesper supposed that's how he got himself to where he was now and honestly? He wasn't sure he liked it. 

Was it selfish to say apart of him wished you two never became something more or maybe that he never met you? Was it selfish to look at your aging body and wish he walked away and stayed away after The Ice Court heist? Maybe. He wasn't sure he cared though. 

Aging gave him a tap on the shoulder, but aging slammed into you. That didn't mean you were unattractive in his eyes, it just meant your body felt the stings of aging. Bad knees, hips, shoulder pains, wrinkles, all that was normal and expected. Jesper practically looked the same as he did when you two met. You were closer to death but he felt like the true ghost; forever stuck in a single moment. No changes to himself, only to his environment and the people around him. 

Or maybe even a time loop, but only for himself. Everyone else was free and moved on. Not him though. 

Jesper didn't realize he was staring until you said something, 

“A penny for your thoughts?”. 

“What?”

“You're staring”

“Oh” Jesper said with realization, “an accident”. Partially true. 

He smoothed out the blankets in front of him to distract himself but that worked as well as anyone would imagine. Your face was imprinted on his mind, and although Jesper could've just laid down and went straight to sleep, he knew it'd be all he'd see when he closed his eyes. 

Jesper heard you close and set your book down, then felt your eyes on him. 

“What're you doing?”

“Smoothing these blankets. They're quite wrinkly”

“Why?”

“Why? Why does anyone do anything?”

You sighed, “why won't you look at me?”

“I'm getting rid of the wrinkles on this blanket like I said”

“Because you can't get rid of mine?”. Jesper's hands stopped moving and he finally looked at you and another wave of sorrow hit him. Why did your inevitable death hit him so hard? 

Maybe it was because you were the last one left. 

Kaz, Inej, Wylan, Matthias, they were all gone by now. Matthias’ death was the first hit he received since his mom passed and as time went on the rest of his family, even if not by blood, passed on. Sure, he had Nina but Nina’s home was Ravka. Nina was more often busy than not and she was not the fondest of Kerch. Many times you suggested moving to Ravka for a “change of scenery”. He knew the truth though. You wanted him to get used to living somewhere else so he could be closer to Nina and not alone. You were the last consistent thing attached to his younger life and by some twist of fate, he'd be doomed to outlive majority of the people he met. He wondered if he did something awful in a past life to deserve this. 

“You've gone quiet again Jes”

He shook his head. “I don't know what to say”

“Too much on your brain? Don't know how to get it out?”. He assumed you took his silence as an answer because next you said “just say whatever, even if it doesn't make sense”. 

He took a deep breath then. It's not like you two hasn't talked about this before, but it was usually a small conversation that he'd slip his way out of with some dumb excuse. 

“I have something to do”. “I'm tired”. “Let's go eat”. “I have to go write a letter”. The list went on and on. This time though he couldn't think of an excuse and with limited time, he knew he had to speak to your living body now instead of a tombstone. 

“I don't think I'm ready to do this without you”

“Do what?”

“Live”. It came out breathy and quiet. He could tell he had upset you by how deep your frown was. Or maybe that was another sign of aging. He couldn't tell. 

“I can't do it”. 

“Yes you can”

“I can't”

“Jesper Fahey you can break into a Fjerdan Ice Court, escape, survive months at sea with Kaz Brekker, go toe to toe with every gang in Ketterdam and you still use the words 'I can't’?”. In any other circumstance he would've laughed and made some comment about how amazing he is. He didn't this time though. Nothing really felt enjoyable or funny anymore. Not when you could have some attack at any moment and be gone. 

“You're beautiful,” he said. “Absolutely stunning. I don't think I've ever seen anything as beautiful as you”

“There's the stars and sea yet I’m the most beautiful thing you've seen?”. 

He nodded. “Absolutely”. 

“Is that why you're with me then? My charming looks?”

“You could look like all things wrong with the world and I'd still want you”

“Jesper the poet? I think I like it”. Your fragile hand held his and your eyes locked onto his. “You can live without me-”

“I can't”. The tears he had been fighting so hard to keep away finally slipped. He didn't bother wiping them away, too scared to let go of your hand. “I wanna be able to but I can't”

“Why?”. 

“Why?”, he  repeated. “I just can't”. 

Your thumb rubbing over his hand soothed him for a moment, but only a moment. That calmness died when you spoke again. 

“If this is hard for you, you can go. You don't have to see me like this”

“Where would I go?”, he asked with furrowed brows and a mix of hurt and confusion etched on his face. 

You shrugged. “Ravka maybe? Make it your new home-”

“My home is here. With you”

“You'll have to find a new one when I go”. 

His hand slipped from yours, frustration building in his chest. It all sounded so easy but it was only easy because you were the one dying. You wouldn't have to feel another part of you ripped away. You wouldn't feel anything anymore. He would. 

He'd think about it almost everyday and a hole would form in his chest and pull him into this thick fog and within this fog he'd hear the future. He'd hear a heart monitor go flat. He'd hear your breathing become shallow before it eventually stopped. He'd hear his own crying. Yet you would come along and act as if everything was alright. You'd be calm and fine while he was breaking on the inside. 

“Jesper Fahey, I am going to die and there's nothing you can do about it”. 

“What?”

“Jesper Fahey, I am going to die and there's nothing you can do about it”. 

“Stop”. 

But you didn't stop. You repeated it again and again and he thought he must've been hallucinating and finally reached his breaking point. He covered his ears but you grabbed his hands and intertwined your fingers with his. You opened your mouth but he cut you off with a broken voice. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you don't understand you can't control this”

“I understand fully” he said quickly. “That's the whole problem. Can you stop being calm and show some sort of emotion for once?”

“What do you want me to do? To cry? To think about it and stress myself to a migraine like you do everyday?”. He hated how you looked at him then; with pity. It felt like with one foot in the grave, you'd always use the other to stay near him and soothe him and it made him feel selfish. “You wanna know how I feel?”. He didn't answer but you continued anyway. “I am terrified of death. Faith exists to calm us of this fear but honestly, I'm still scared. I don't know what's next. I don't know how it'll feel. I don't know if I'll see a light or if I'll be in darkness. I don't know how I'll go out and I don't know how it'll feel to take my last breath. I'm terrified but worrying about it everyday? That's not living. I'll be on my deathbed slipping away and all I'll think about is how I should've lived more”

“You are so stressed about me dying but honestly Jes? You're just making yourself live through the inevitable every single day. We should be loving each other now more than ever when we have the time. We're gonna get to my final moments and we'll both have regrets, the only difference is you'll have to live with yours”. 

Jesper couldn't help but let tears fall from his eyes. He knew you were right and that he should be holding you close during this time, but he couldn't help but listen to the tiny voice in his head that drove him insane everyday. Everyday was a reminder that for some unknown reason, he'd live much longer. Years would pass and he'd forget your face and always have to look at pictures or letters to remember you. One day he'd even forget your voice. How long would that take? 10 years? 20? 30? 

The more he thought, the more his breathing became erratic and his vision blurred. Blinking away tears didn't work. They'd just come back. You guided his head to your shoulder before your hand found its way to his back to rub circles on it. Jesper wasn't known to cry, but he cried. Hard. And you let him. When his breathing returned to normal, it wasn't because he was no longer sad. It was because he was exhausted. His eyes and nose had gone red by now and his face felt incredibly sore. 

When he quieted down, you spoke again. “I want to love you while I still can but if you don't want to see what'll eventually happen… I’m… I'm willing to let you go”. It was hard for you to say. He could tell because of how quiet it came out. Were you willing to? Probably. Did you want to? Absolutely not. He didn't need to ask or look at you to know. 

Jesper had a big choice to make. He stayed, spent the rest of your life with you and eventually buried you or he could leave and try to get a jumpstart at a new life. He wouldn't see age continue to eat at you and when your time came, he wouldn't be there. He'd be leaving you alone. He probably wouldn't know exactly when you died. Years would pass and he'd just guess that you were gone. 

Jesper was ashamed of how long it took him to make a decision. Leaving seemed so good. The pain of watching you continue to grow old would be no more, but then he'd be left with another pain; the pain of never seeing you again. Of knowing he abandoned you when all you wanted was to hold him close. You had no family and no notable friends besides him and Nina now. You'd probably be found and with no one to identify you, who knew what would become of your body in Kerch. A body with no name. And he'd become a body with no home. 

“I'm not going anywhere”. He finally lifted his head up to look at you and although he still felt that pang in his heart, he didn't look away and try to avoid your gaze. He just looked at you, mapping every detail of your face so he could look back and remember just how beautiful you were when you're gone. 

“I am so going to miss you”

“Of course you will” you said with a small smile and you finally got a chuckle out of him, even if it was small. 

You didn't have forever. You both knew you were on limited time and one day you'd be apart, but you both promised to love and cherish the time you still had together and maybe, just maybe, you'd see each other in the next life when the sun finally set on the both of you. 

I am feral for this man in the most wholesome way possible. Legit just wanna hold his hand and hear him talk about dumb shit.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 2, Wave 2, Poll 8

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Adam Parrish-The Raven Cycle

Qualifications:

He's extremely bi and is HoH (acquired deafness in one ear)

Bisexual and hard of hearing!

deaf in one ear AND bisexual—thats hot!!!!!!!

Propaganda:

I love him

Well if no one else is gonna submit my son then ig I'll have to! He can be such a lil bitch sometimes but I love him so much. He is a witch. He is a genius. He is insecure. He's got the most game out of all of his friends but the bar is on the floor. He and his boyfriend both have extreme daddy issues. He is poor. He is me. <3 I love you adam parrish

i have too little brain to make propaganda right now but he is the Most deserving of this award it is an honour to nominate him

Kaz Brekker-Six of Crows

Qualifications:

Most people believe he is demisexual although Leigh Bardugo has never said he is officially so I don't know if he counts. I have a poll running on my tumblr about what his sexuality is if you want to see yourself my name is lunarmoo

Propaganda:

He uses his cane (with style) and it was so cool to have a character use a cane (a someone who used to use a cane) also he is most likely demisexual which is on asexual spectrum and to see a character on the ace spectrum is very amazing (as an acearo) because people who are on the ace spectrum are not shown much and we are often as invalid. Also that Kaz is not written to be less because he has a disability which is so rare. (As you can tell I am a bit of a fan)

Submitted by @lunarmoo

[sophierequests]

hi lovely! i have a fic idea! kaz brekker x reader where the prompt is

"take my hand"

"no"

"look im not trying to ask you to marry me, im trying to save your life"

take my hand and don't let go

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Requests

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x f!Reader

A/N: Found the beginning of this in my drafts and I literally do not remember starting it?? So I decided to scrap some stuff and rewrite this fic, because I actually really love this prompt for Kaz! I intended on making this into a rather light-hearted fic, but my poor writer's brain sees the name Kaz Brekker and immediately switches to angst, so sorry for that </3 It has a fluffy ending though, so don't be afraid. And, of course, thank you for the request, lovely <333

Summary: A job gone wrong forces the reader to do something she had tried to avoid: touching Kaz.

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, kinda Fluff???

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Blood, explosion, Kaz Brekker isn't able to express his emotions properly, who could've guessed that?

“They still haven’t given us the signal, Kaz.” You pressed, anxiously watching the man in front of you fidget with his lock-picking tool as he tried to avoid your gaze as best as he could.

At first, the job seemed to be relatively manageable. Inej and Jesper would climb into the warehouse first, surveying the area and notifying you once everything was deemed safe. After that, Kaz and you would pick the lock, steal the blueprints you needed for your next big heist, and leave. It was something you had done countless times before - always getting out successfully - so no one was really worried about it when you went in.

However, the whole situation just didn’t sit right with you. Upon entering the supposedly abandoned building, you were immediately starting to get suspicious of how clean it was. It was far too well taken care of for a warehouse without any real occupants since the previous shareholders had gone ‘bankrupt’. And even though all of that definitely rubbed you the wrong way, Kaz proceeded to make his way through the dingy hallways in the direction of the vault. You didn’t even try to get him to reconsider, he wouldn’t have listened anyway.

By now, the two others should have already cleared the entirety of the premise, causing Kaz to become a bit restless. His fingers were itching to finally get all of this over with. The blueprints were crucial for his next plan, so you fully understood why he needed this mission to work. But it genuinely unnerved you that he was ready to throw caution to the wind just because your friends diverted from the original plan.

“What are you doing?” He leaned down just enough to access the lock without putting too much pressure on his bad leg. The weather had been terribly frigid over the last few weeks, and it was taking a toll on his agility. It pained you to watch him put himself through this without being able to offer him help, but you knew that he would be too stubborn to actually accept it.

“What does it look like? Interpretive dance?” He sneered, removing his leather gloves before getting to work. His alabaster hands clashed with the rich black colour of his coat, making them look almost translucent. You watched him as he reached for the tool, pausing briefly to prepare his mind for the coldness of the metal. With a huffed breath, he brought it up to the lock, cautiously manoeuvring the tip around inside the mechanism. You didn’t know why he had such a severe aversion to touch - one where he couldn’t even bear to be touched by cold materials or objects - but you were well aware that it had to have been something pretty traumatic for him to react this way, meaning that you wouldn’t pry.

“Inej and Jesper haven’t told us that everything is clear, you can’t just ignore your own orders!” You hissed, giving him an exasperated glare that could have just as well been a carbon copy of his own, whenever he had to deal with Jesper’s antics.

“My orders are the only orders I can disregard without a guilty conscience.”

“Oh please, you and having a guilty conscience? I thought you weren’t one for fairytal-” The sentence was harshly cut off by yells echoing from the corridor adjacent to the one you were in. You turned your head, whilst Kaz was still focused on picking the lock.

“Kaz! Y/N! Don’t!” Jesper yelled as he finally appeared in your line of sight. When he saw the situation you were in, his already frantic eyes grew even wider, a look of horror spreading all over his face.

“Jesper, what is-”

“Explosives!” The words didn’t even fully leave his mouth as the distinct click of the lock forced your eyes back towards Kaz. He only had time to shout for both of you to run before a deafening bang sounded from behind the door. Only Jesper was still able to follow his command. You were still wrapping your head around the situation when a sharp blow lifted you off your feet with brutal force.

Your body hit the concrete ground with a firm thud, rendering you unable to move for a few moments after the impact. Everything around you was spinning, and you felt as if you had just lost the majority of your ability to hear, but staying on the ground wasn’t an option. The distinct metallic smell of an explosive-induced fire travelled through the dust-filled air, as you forced yourself to sit up. You could barely make out the silhouettes and shapes of the objects around you as you watched the fire crawl out of the room. If you didn’t leave now, you would be the next thing to succumb to its wrath.

Kaz.

The thought shot into your mind like the top of an arrow hitting a bullseye. Your distorted sight and slight dizziness limited your ability to spot him greatly, but you wouldn’t leave him here to die.

A violent cough caught your attention, and you saw the hunched-over form of Kaz futilely trying to sit up. Since he had been so close to the epicentre of the explosion, the sheer power of the blow had thrown him right against the rough wall opposite the door. You could recognize scratches and bruises all over his face as his eyes hectically peered through the rubble around him.

“Kaz!” You called out, wobbly dashing towards him. His head snapped around to face you, an emotion akin to relief flashing over his features. He tried to push himself up, at least to get into a sitting position, but his whole body ached as he attempted to do so. It was only then that both of you noticed the torn-up fabric of his trousers revealing a deep gash on the side of his leg. His good leg. “This looks bad.”

“Go.” He let out a laboured breath, as he let his back rest against the wall.

“And leave you here to die? We both know I won’t do that.” You thankfully managed to spot his cane, bringing it over to him as quickly as you could. Kneeling down next to him, you tried to assess the damage with weary eyes.

“Y/N, that wasn’t a request. Go.” The harsh tone of his voice didn’t faze you anymore. He might be a stubborn bastard, but even he didn’t deserve to meet his end in a filthy burning warehouse.

“If you think that I’ll start listening to you know, you are greatly mistaken.”

“I won’t be able to walk.” He hissed in pain as he finally managed to sit up properly. If it had been anyone else but Kaz Brekker, you wouldn’t even have thought twice about pulling him to his feet and dragging him outside. But you couldn’t do that to him.

“Take my hand.” You hoisted yourself up to your feet again, stretching out your hand for him to take. This was risky, however, you needed to do something.

“No.” His lips were pressed into a thin line as he looked up at you, apprehension written all over his face.

“Kaz, for Saints’ sake! Look, I’m not trying to ask you to marry me, I’m trying to save your life!” This attempt at humour wasn’t much appreciated.

“I can’t.” His gaze wandered to his hands. His bare hands. He didn’t have his gloves. Shit, this only managed to get worse. You really didn’t want to do this.

“Listen, I can’t - and won’t - force you to do anything.” Your previously demanding voice grew a bit softer as you gave him one last chance. “I know that this is going to be really uncomfortable for you, but we have to leave. I’ll do whatever you tell me if that means that you’ll agree to let me help you.”

“Okay.” You watched the way his hand shook as he reached for yours. With a surprisingly tight grip, he held onto it, allowing you to pull him to his feet.

Immediately upon standing up, an intense pang of pain shot through his legs and he began to stumble forward, his body threatening to give in again. Your mind went into overdrive as you lunged forward, hastily putting an arm under his shoulder and letting him cling to yours.

His heart began to race when he realized the situation he was in. His bare hands had been on your bare hands and now there were only two layers of clothes separating your skin. You were close. Way too close for him to function properly. The rising waters mixed with the stinging ache rushing through his legs made him want to vomit.

“Kaz.” Your voice pulled him out of his stupor briefly, giving him enough distraction to keep him from pushing you away and having a panic attack right then and there. “We need to move. Please, tell me what to do.”

“Keep talking.” He shifted his weight to partially lean on his cane, reducing the pressure he had put on you. “Distract me.”

The cracking of the fire behind you made the urgency you felt prior to this return. You managed to give him a brief nod before carefully beginning to inch forward. One of your arms supported his back, while the other rested on his chest to keep him from falling forward. From where your hand was situated, you could basically feel his heart thud against his ribcage, his rapid breathing only underlining the panic brewing inside him.

“Do you remember that one week two months ago? When all of your heist plans went missing and you never figured out who took them, even after they returned the week after?” You had to distract him. You had to keep talking.

“Yes?”

“I hid them.” It was a stupid thing to bring up. It didn’t have any correlation to what was happening right now, but it seemed to get him to focus on something else than the current situation.

“What?” The words almost came out as a chuckle, but you weren’t sure whether that was because he genuinely found it entertaining, or because the absurdity of the situation beat him to it.

“You were ill. You had a fever.” Kaz almost froze when he heard that. It was true. He had been ill that week - probably one of the worst fevers he had since the plague. But he never told anyone. He even made sure to lock his window to stop Inej from suddenly appearing. Initially, he had intended to retreat into his office, and just continue to work on some upcoming heist plans. However, one day after breakfast, all of the plans were gone, and no one seemed to know a thing. Not even a thorough search through the Slat made them reappear. Eventually, he just decided to give you the week off for ‘recreational activities after an especially tiring heist’. Lo and behold, after his fever had set again, the plans returned to his desk again - neatly stacked and sorted. “I hid them so you could rest. I knew what you were trying to do, and I didn’t want you to overwork yourself just to keep anyone from being made aware that you can get sick too.”

Ask her why.

The questions bubbled inside his head. Why would you go out of your way to force him to rest? Why did you even care about his well-being enough to do something like that?

“Why?” He rasped out, becoming even more aware of the way his heart raged against its restraints.

“I suppose for the same reason why I’m not letting you stay here and die.” That statement was a bit too honest for your liking, and Kaz seemed to have picked up on it. However, before he could press the matter further, a sudden wave of nausea and vertigo overcame him. The waves had ultimately managed to pull him under.

And without being able to take another step, his legs buckled, the world around him fading into black. The only thing you could do was to hold onto him as he fell, only scarcely breaking the fall before his limp body hit the ground. He had fainted.

The next time he woke up he wasn’t in the warehouse anymore. He was at the Slat. In his own room. In his own bed. It seemed to be late - the darkness engulfing him was a pretty strong base for that thesis. The only source of light that had even allowed him to recognize where he was, came from somewhere beside him. He didn’t bother to look where it was coming from, nor did he have the energy to turn his head.

Every still-intact muscle screamed at him, but he felt a strong urge to sit up. His efforts were futile though. A hand quickly hovered above his chest, not touching him, but present enough to get him to abandon his task.

“Don’t.” Kaz could feel his entire body relax when he heard your voice. He had half-heartedly expected it to be Nina, or maybe even Jesper, there to scold him for being so foolish. Having you here was way preferable. “Don’t try to sit up. You need to rest. And if Nina sees that I allowed you to sit up, she’ll probably stop my heart. Or yours. Or both of our hearts if she’s feeling especially murderous.”

His head fell back on his pillow, angling it a little to the side to take a better look at you and also finding the lamp that just barely illuminated the corner of his room. You sat right next to his bed, some novel resting idly in your lap as you gave him a comforting smile. And even though he still felt as if he had been run over by a carriage going full speed, he couldn’t help the ghost of a smirk rush over his lips.

“What happened?” The question had been burning holes in his head since the bomb went off. He had a rough idea, but the details were rather blurry.

“It was a trap. Dime Lions. They paid our informant to lure us right into their trap. Apparently, Inej found a stack of letters in the not-so-abandoned office, but Jesper was too late to tell us.” You recited what they told you after dragging Kaz back to the Slat. You didn’t remember every single detail, but this amount of information would suffice for now.

“I should have waited.” Kaz groaned, regret flooding his mind as he remembered the events of the day prior. Had he only waited a little while longer…

“Hey,” You reached forward, resting your hand just mere inches away from his. “You couldn’t have known. We all made it out alive, so you have nothing to blame yourself for.”

“That doesn’t rectif-”

“Kaz.” He only sighed in response to your warning glare.

“Fine.”

“I think I should go down and tell Nina that you’re awake. She wanted to take another look at your leg once you’re conscious again.” You were just about to stand up when Kaz seized the hand close to his. His touch was featherlight, - not at all comparable to the tight grip he had on it a day earlier - but it was still there.

“I knew that it was you.” He croaked out, his eyes fixed on yours as if you were about to vanish once he averted them.

“That I was what?” You replied perplexed, your brain still trying to process the fact that he was willingly touching you right now.

“That you were the person who stole the heist plans. I didn’t know your reasoning, but I knew that it was you.”

“You knew? Why didn’t you say anything? If it had been Jesper, you would’ve ripped him to shreds?”

A pause.

He knew exactly why he didn’t confront you about it. He just couldn’t tell you. At least not yet.

“I suppose for the same reason I wanted you to leave the warehouse without me.” His hand gave yours a brief squeeze before eventually letting go. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, the knowing smile that began to settle on your face told him that you knew.

Taglist:

Grishaverse fics in general: @yesshewrites1 @dal-light

Kaz Brekker: @ell0ra-br3kk3r @juneberrie @writingmysanity @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @brekkers-desigirl @fall-writes

[1wishand1thought]

MY SNEAKY LITTLE FOX| PART 2

Kaz Brekker x Fem. Y/N

Here you have part 1, in case you haven't read it yet: part 1

Summary: Kaz struggles to keep y/n out of his mind, her absence making him worried about the possibility of losing his most secret investment. The uncertainty of her presence in Ketterdam forces him to get into deep waters, using his knowledge to get to where she lives, only to find himself lost in the sound of her voice.

Warnings: NSFW/ Nudity descriptions, naughty vocabulary(is that even the right word? I only see this as poetic writing lmao, OKAY SORRY. let's continue).

A/N: OH SAINTS THIS ONE WAS A WHOLE CHALLENGE GUYS. I had a clear path to write this, and then a million Kruge stepped in my way avoiding me to keep going. Seriously, I lost motivation like Jesper lost money when betting. Anyway I hope you like it, it's a bit longer than the first one, I'll put the word count later. LOVE YOU, TKYSM FOR 114 NOTES IN PART 1🫶🏻🥹

Wordcount: 3417.

A week had passed since the incident. A whole damn week where her inner struggles to not think of him just got worse.

The night washed over the city, only with the twilight and the stars flickers enlightening the dark and empty streets of the city. She was in her house now, an underground place in Ketterdam.

Y/n paced back and forth as if she was trying to solve a puzzle to finally ease her thoughts, but instead, failed every time. Her mind kept replaying his voice, as she had memorized every detail, treating it like a meticulous plan: no flaws or loose ends. All she wanted was to forget him, to comply with the words that left his mouth like a hundred bullets:

"You better keep your mouth shut and never bring this up in a conversation ever again, y/n... Or else you'll regret it for the rest of your days," he had warned her back then, as he covered his bare hands with a pair of leathery gloves.

She regretted everything about that night; the way his neck seemed so tight, as if he was a disguised thief, holding back a painful scream. She remembered how the vein on the side of his forehead pumped fiercely as if it was trying to break free from his face. Anger rose inside her.

Why did he let her watch?

Was that a sort of "taunting you because I know all your secrets" improvised joke? Because yes, she felt the heat and arousal bubbling inside her when he fidgeted with his shaft that night. She even felt as if she was the damn cock in his hands.

But did he know all her secrets? Did he know that she hadn't reached the climax in years? Perhaps he even knew where she lived. It aggravated her that he let her see him in such a vulnerable state, so intime, so... appealing.

A tattoo was carved into her frightened mind. Did he do it to taunt her, then? Does he know all about her?

She discarded every suggestion. The only personal information she had divulged to Kaz was her name and skills. She had also warned him to keep her recruitment a secret, and maybe she had even mentioned how she preferred to keep to herself rather than socialize with the people of Ketterdam. So all her personal information was deeply buried in her mind.

What she had yet to realize was that Kaz had her entire birth chart stored in a well-guarded section of his restless brain. He always found a way to know everything, as he couldn't bear not knowing it all.

He somehow, and with the help of his witty brain, managed to get her full name and the address to her place. He had also discovered details about her lineage and parents, who were long gone either to hell or with the saints. It wasn't much, but considering the time it took him to obtain such valuable information, it was certainly something.

Y/n hadn't even sneaked near the Barrel to eavesdrop from outside Kaz's office. Her eyes were glued to the stonewall in front of her now, and the cold moonlight brought back memories of Kaz's figure. His image haunted her like a nightmare, constantly invading her thoughts for the past seven days.

She needed to let go, but she was certain she couldn't do it. She hissed in frustration, her back landing on the bed behind her. The cold bedspread sent shivers through her warm body. She was only wearing her underclothes, as she was alone in her home.

The place had no walls dividing the spaces except for the bathtub and toilet in the corner, where no natural light reflected on the porcelain washbasin or bath other than the warm light of the candles she had spread there.

Her gaze drifted back to the long, narrow window that looked out onto the bustling street above. In the morning and through the murky glass, she could make out the feet of pedestrians as they hurried past. It was a small connection to the outside world that faded at night. No pedestrians were outside now, mostly because all the nearby buildings were full of early workers and showmen waiting for the early hours to head back to their workspaces.

A few candles illuminated the dining room placed a few steps away from the kitchen, the warm light spread only to the border of her bed and collided with the cold tone of the moon. Still, the kitchen was dark, as the candlelight reflected on the only tall furniture in the kitchen. The stone step separating the table from her bedroom space prevented her from having a clear view of the entrance.

Back at the club, Kaz's stress had accumulated in the last few days and had now reached its peak. He fidgeted with the crow head holder of his cane as he sat in his office, his eyes fixated on the wall, his breath coming out in short, heavy gasps. His free hand tightly gripped the edge of his desk, causing his knuckles to turn white beneath the fabric.

To his right, a half-empty bottle of brandy sat on his desk, and untouched papers and bills piled up in a messy tower before him. He couldn't focus on them, not with her image haunting his thoughts.

《Where are you?》 he wondered as his mind drifted back to her face. He could recall the subtle movements of her thighs, the panic in her blushed cheeks as she tried not to get caught. It was all too appealing.

It was for the best that he cut the emotional ties with her. He had a club to run, money to make, and he couldn't afford any distractions. But he needed her for the job. He needed her unique set of skills. The way she could vanish into the shadows of Ketterdam like Inej once did. The only difference between them being a few distinguishable features.

He considered going to check if she was there, fearing that she might have left Ketterdam after their last encounter. He needed to be certain of her presence, otherwise, he would have to find someone else to do her job, which he didn't want to do.

As time passed, his anxiety grew, and he was unable to shake the memories of her from his mind. His thoughts were in turmoil, and he knew he needed to find a way to focus before it was too late. It shouldn't have been difficult to concentrate, given that he didn't like her.

Kaz didn't even realize when he left his office, unconsciously stepping out and leaving his cane on his desk. He didn't scold Jesper for flirting with Wylan at the bar when he was supposed to be working. Of course, the couple wondered where their boss was going, but neither of them dared to ask him about it. He seemed lost in thought as his leg wobbled a bit from the imbalance. His frown was deeper than usual, and one of his gloved hands was clenched into a fist at his side.

Fortunately, her place was not too far from the club, but it was far enough that, as if by a miracle, her slightly warm body became warmer, her cheeks flushed, and eventually, after a few minutes, she found herself breathing heavily. Her hands moved in time with her thoughts, and the images of Kaz, so vivid in her mind, only served to fuel her fire. She had done this a few times in the last week to try to free her mind of the torture his image spur her to do, at the same time that she put all her efforts to release the moan fighting to come out. This time felt different, as if her body knew something she didn't.

Unbeknownst to her, Kaz was nearby, clenching his teeth so tightly that it made his jaw hurt. It made him wonder if it was due to her absence from work, or the way she made him feel that produced this sort of reactive action.

He knew a knock on the door would be odd, considering that she told him she was not a very social person, hence didn't have any friends.

So, he decided to use his brain. He made sure to see if there was any visible light reflecting into the streets from the visible lower window almost glued to the floor. No light was visible. Good.

He knew she lived unseen in Ketterdam.

Like a fox hiding from the danger, without knowing the danger it held inside. He new it though, probably why he called her that.

He would just leave an envelope with the tasks he had for her and then he would leave. If she read it, she would show up in his office. If not, then she had made her choice very clear.

His lockpicking skills gave him easy access to her place. He tried to keep his limp as light as possible so as not to make his presence obvious. He opened the door with little noise, which was surprising considering it was a wooden door. However, the floor was made of pure stone.

He noticed the dark, small kitchen and immediately took in the warm light of the candles illuminating the rest of the space.

He thought she might have left the candles on, so he didn't take a wider glimpse of the room. He left the envelope on the dark counter and right after reaching for the door handle, he heard it.

His feet locked to the floor, and his chest stopped. Kaz turned his head to the side to take in the sound more clearly. It was as if someone was having a nightmare, with uneven but barely audible breaths. The table and chairs of the tiny dining room obstructed his view, preventing him from seeing the full scene.

His feet moved as a reflex, after silently closing the door before him, he took some cautious and slow steps forward. And then, when he got a clear view, a flame that he feared had been extinguished was ignited from the ashes, burning fiercely inside him. Evaporating all his senses of destruction and vengeance, and replacing them with a gutting desire.

He took in the scene, his hands were sweaty, his mouth slightly opened, and his chest heaving.

Whimpers.

He froze, not making a sound; like a sculpture, he didn't move a muscle. He just stood there, transfixed by the sight before him, his eyes locked on it.

On her.

She was caressing herself, one hand occupied with her breasts, fidgeting with her nipples, and the other under her panties. Her eyes were closed, portraying pain and torture, but deep inside her arousal increased with every touch.

She unlocked a part of her mind that allowed her to visualize Kaz in front of her. As she seemed to have found her only inspiration that may allow her to finally cum. Something she had avoided the last week.

She tried before touching herself thinking of something else, making up someone else’s face in her mind, failing relentlessly every time.

Now, in her mind, a bulge was evident in Kaz's usual black pants, his hands bare, and his cheeks flushed. The image made her wince from pleasure. Her lower lip was tugged between her teeth. Each brush of her hand made her body quake.

A few seconds later she opened her eyes, and she swore she saw her boss's face.

There, in the darkness.

He was staring at her intently, and for a moment, she stopped, bewildered. Her red cheeks acted like fire in her body, burning her entirely with embarrassment and excitement.

《Why are you stopping? I didn't stop when you caught me jerking off》 He thought. His brain took such action as offensive, breaking the pleasant view.

"Don't," the shadow spoke, panting, desperate, and begging almost.

Kaz Brekker wasn't the type of man who begged, not even when he was staring death itself in the face. But now his mind betrayed him, his words being a reflex to his needs.

His dark figure leaned closer to the bed, finally revealing his pale temple. Y/n's heart hammered in her chest as if it was trying to escape like a frightened child. "Don't... don't stop, y/n," There it was again, his voice roaring. His thoughts now sprinting out of an opened cage that would be too hard to lock again given the view. His hoarse and needy voice echoed along her soft gasps.

It took a few seconds for her to realize it wasn't a trick, it wasn't a hologram, something impossible to touch. Kaz Brekker was in front of her, his jaw looked tight, his expression sharp like a blade cutting trough her; his gaze taking in every inch of her skin.

He was like a starved animal waiting to finally get its prey after several failed attempts. He watched every movement, enjoying what he had craved several times where only his imagination was able to put it to work. Now, being real and having her in flesh and bones before him, he didn't want her to stop, nor would he allow it.

It felt as if the candles turned into a hundred torches. The heat around them was both pleasing and hurtful. He wanted to touch her, but somehow his hands were blocked to each side of his body. Loose strands of hair fell over his eyes, but it didn't act as a distraction, his focus being only on her figure. The drip of the several candles blended with the sound of her wet pussy.

His sharp blue eyes found their way to hers, an invisible string forcing to look each other, making it impossible for any of them to break eye contact.

Kaz made his way in front of the bed and sat in the nearby wooden chair. His Adam's apple wobbled as he swallowed hard. The bulge in his pants was evident now, just as y/n had imagined minutes ago.

"What...," her voice cracked, making it impossible for her greedy self to form a full sentence as she was overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. He cut her off sharply, in a demanding tone.

"Shush," he growled, the usual gelid expression covering his face entirely. He was fighting the urge to take his glove off and replace her own hands with his.

Oh, he wanted to squeeze those tits and lick her nipples so badly.

However, his hands still wouldn't move. He felt like a prisoner in his own body, struggling to break free. The uncertainty of how his body would react when he touched her still lingered in his mind.

"Just keep doing it," he demanded, his eyes moving from her face to between her legs, as to try to send her an indirect message of what to do next.

She pushed her underwear aside, mostly due to the desperation taking over her entire body, and for the hint she caught in his eyes. Her wet cunt being visible now.

Y/n closed her eyes, enjoying how she felt when she fingered herself, just as he enjoyed watching her doing so. Her mouth gaped as the shivers she felt took her higher with every touch, the orgasm closer with every passing second.

"Open your eyes," Kaz urged, his voice growing deeper and more desperate. He felt his dick pumping, trying to break free and holding back the urge to cum right then beneath the black fabric.

An inner fight with his mind allowed him to move again a few moments later. A pair of eager hands unbuttoned his pants, showing his greedy bulge over his black boxers.

Y/n complied with his orders and opened her eyes, only to catch him with his gloved hands now full of his cock, just like the other night, adding the fact that she was also with her hands occupied doing the same to herself.

He didn't even bother in taking his gloves off; he just needed to stroke it.

It went on for a few more minutes, with him watching her thrust her fingers in and out of her pussy faster, and she watched him stroking his dick. Both of them, with their arousals and voices, provided the only sound that bounced off every wall, echoing in their ears and carving like an unforgettable memory inside their minds.

With their eyes locked onto each other, their hands fully occupied, and a layer of sweat on their faces under the warm light of the candles, they finally came. Kaz was the first one, and he was more silent this time given all he wanted to hear was her, as he'd imagined: her voice breaking, her legs squirting, her chest going up and down as if she had just run a marathon throughout all of Kerch. He wanted to hear her say his name.

Y/n came a few seconds later, her voice breaking, the sound louder than ever between the walls, she finally gave in, letting the moan out. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, and the next words would carve in the deepest part of Kaz's mind, like a catchy song that only he could give himself the pleasure of repeating. "Fuck— Kaz!" She yelled, not so loud but enough to make Dirtyhands bite his lower lip.

He compared what he had imagined to the view before him, they were quite alike, except for the lack of Kaz's touch on her skin.

It took a few moments for Y/n to ease her breathing. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling. Embarrassment washed over her as she didn't dare to look at the man in front of her.

His lips twisted and contorted into a crooked grin, revealing his satisfaction with what he had just seen. His usual dark eyes betrayed little emotion, but deep down he was afraid to accept the eagerness that burned within him. He wanted her and hoped to make her his right then and there, but the option of him panicking when touching her frightened his mind. It aggravated him: to have her in his gaze and not be able to feel her skin.

Hidden inside Kaz's heart, the flame was still on. He longed for the day when he would finally take his naked hands and feel how wet she was, with no intrusive thoughts in their way.

He took his right glove—now covered in cum– off, whilst still glaring at her body on the bed.

"I need your presence for the job," he muttered, ignoring the fact she was still naked, panting slightly, and her eyes lost in her thoughts.

She wasn't mad about him changing the topic. She hadn't yet found the words to say something anyways.

His normal façade cut sharp like a knife. He knew it was for the best. He tried to convince himself that there would not be a third occasion, given that, if he stood any longer, he would not cum over his gloves but on her stomach. And his hands would not be holding his cock but her hips, keeping her still in the bed.

"If you still want to work for me, I'll be expecting you tomorrow night at the usual time," he said, tilting his head toward her direction as he turned around to leave, taking her utter silence as a reply.

On the other hand, Kaz didn't want to say what echoed in his mind. An uncontrollable pull was trying to stop him from leaving, encouraging him to just give in to her. To finally betray his mind and let something other than revenge and money in his heavy heart, allowing his hands to touch someone else's skin.

He wanted to feel hers under his fingertips, to taste her breath in his mouth. Something that through the passing of months he never accepted until now. But words failed him as they often did, forcing him to repeat the same romantic situation he had with Inej years ago.

So, with the clicking sound of the door closing behind him, they gave an end to their interaction, which would allegedly be the last one, and both let out a long sigh of relief.

Putting an end to his torture of not being brave enough to touch her, and to her torment of not being able to feel his touch.

HII!! So, as I wrote at the beginning, writing this was a love-hate relationship considering my sudden motivation loss. I was so motivated writing this and then BANG, my mind goes blank as fast as Kaz's heart when he sees Inej haha.

Anyway, I really, reaaally hope you like it and if you don't then it's okay we can pretend that this doesn't exists 🫶🏻🤣

Tag list ( the lovely users that asked for a part two):

@outlawqueen17 @bunneex

@tiana76 @freddycarterswife

[19burstraat]

So I read in your newest fic’s (which IS INCREDIBLE btw you never miss 🩷) notes that you originally conceptualized the fic as being in the vein of “it’s a wonderful life” and I’m wondering…….how do you think that would have gone? Just curious 💕

Ty!! I note that I haven't seen it for quite a few years so it would have been a fairly basic comparison bc I forget the specifics of the context in IAWL, but yes... The spirit of Jordie (or possibly just Kaz's brain pulling a Really Complex Hallucination, I think the idea was it's like a fucking weird dream after he either nearly drowns or gets beaten up) pulls up, and says Hey Kaz Want To Know What Would've Happened If You HAD Died and Kaz is like. 'Um not really actually' but it's too late. I do have a bunch of notes app scraps of it, that I repurposed slightly for the current fic, so I'll paste em under the cut for your perusal. Ultimately I found this way of doing things a bit unsubtle but it was very interesting!

"Is this some guilt complex shit?" said Kaz.

"If you want it to be."

"No, I don't." Kaz wriggled out of the way and got to his feet. "I'm just going to—"

***

The sheet was wrenched away.

Kaz had seen plenty of death in the Barrel and on the Barge, and he had known who was going to be under the sheet. It didn't matter. He had to crouch abruptly in the corner before his legs gave way. He clamped his hands over his mouth and tried not to look anywhere in particular— not at Jordie, dead beside him, or Jesper, dead on the morgue table with a set of terrible wounds. He could hear snatches of conversation:

"...ran up debts... gangs... sent debtors after him..."

****

"Well, Miss Zenik— I run a little thing called the Hellshow," said Rollins. "Heard of it?"

Nina shook her head.

"Don't," Kaz said, even though it made no difference.

***

With a horrified start, Kaz realised it was Wylan; leaning on the wall in neatly re-hemmed Barrel flash and hastily cut hair.

"I want my cut now," he said.

"You'll get a cheque in a few days."

"In cash; now."

"You think I'm running a charity?" said Wylan. "You think all this information and all those chemicals come free? If you want to run this job without me, that's fine. But I won't bail you out of the Stadhall Jail when the Stadwatch grunts catch you with a fucking circular saw at the vault."

Per Haskell exchanged glances with Red Felix and Beetle. Eventually, there was some fumbling, and a wodge of kruge was produced. Wylan took it and counted it.

***

Kaz watched him go.

"He won't get out," he said.

"He might," said Jordie.

"He won't," said Kaz. "He can't. He's in too deep, now. He should've folded and left months ago, but he was too conscientious about the money and too anxious about being scammed."

***

"I get it, alright?" Kaz said wretchedly. "I get it. I understand."

"Do you?"

"I know I have to live for everyone else to make it, too." Kaz spat. "I know. What do you want me to say?"

"Fate has plans for us all, Kaz."

"Killing her and taking her platitudes? That's fucking rich." Kaz turned and paced the cobbles furiously. "Fuck! Fine! So— what? Go on! Tell me! Give me the moral!"

***

It's interesting bc I kinda like the idea (I miss Kaz when he's not there I get very upset when he's not around. Like a baby at a party screaming when everyone holding them isn't the Specific Person They Want) but also I think I'd never have finished this lmao. Also I'd have had to decide if it was a real supernatural kinda thing or if it was just Kaz's brain on a mad one. And like I say, I kinda prefer the ominous absences... To deploy Kaz's favourite tactic, planting an idea but leaving a lack of specifics or certainty, creates a lot more unsease.

[quinloki]

.......

>.> <.<

I'm so TIRED and Sabo and Marco are just rolling around in my brain I CANNOT

and you added that extra bit and my brain has just been absolutely wrr-ing it's alarming tbh

butttttt

omg why did I think of marco tying up sabo, and just covering his good eye. I always think his other eye might not have the best sight. So he can see but not well.

So he's just tied up in the back end of the mirror, getting to 'watch', but really just he can't see enough to satisfy him. Just gets to hear you call out so sweetly for Marco, until Marco tells you to go ahead and call out for Sabo and maybe he'll join you. You don't know he's back there tied up and it just makes him a bit more feral to basically hear you beg for him to come join (feral sabo is hot lets be so real)

Feral sabo blindfolding and tying marco up, and instead of giving marco the orders to do to you, starts giving you the orders on what to do to marco. Has you edge Marco a little, and can see you're getting frustrated yourself, so he just takes you over top of Marco and all he can do is lay there and listen. A real flip of the positions from earlier which Sabo makes sure to point out >>

god a room behind the mirror is so hot tho. Like a one way mirror so no one else really knows what's back there. And sabo has you try on your 'gift' in front of that mirror for him

.....

I'm going to bed goodnight good luck to me being able to sleep with how loud my brain is being

why do these two give me such brainrot (I ain't complaining but... xD)

.... hnnngh bound Marco underneath you, the pleasure of Sabo inside you dripping down onto his stomach.

Dammit Kaz

Marco "starts" things by leaving Sabo blindfolded and bound in that secret room, having you cry so sweetly for him to join and not knowing he can't. Sabo gets his revenge by having you edge a bound Marco and then taking you right over top of him.

Marco gets his revenge by holding the smaller man in a full nelson (or something similar), railing him until Sabo's forced to cum all over you.

sweet gods all the ways that could go afterward, but it's one of those the resolution is so solid that the revenge back and forth doesn't go any further. Sure Marco and Sabo could lob revenges back and forth for MONTHS without breaking a sweet, but I think they dial it back for your sake - worried you'll think they're actually fighting or something XD

gods spy vs spy sexcapades between Marco and Sabo and you're like the priceless art piece or whatever caught in the middle XD

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

Back to December

pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: angst, with a small resolved ending

el's thoughts: requested by @maliciousbrekker for my speak now event! i hope you like it! i think this is my personal favorite so far haha

The sound of rain echoed off the thin windows of the Slat while Kaz sat at his makeshift desk sorting through different papers and letters. The only light in the room was emitted from two small candle sticks on his desk, casting the rest of his room in darkness. The warm familiar scent of sugar cookies wafted up the stairs from the kitchen much to Kaz’s enmity. December had to be his least favorite month of the year, and he knew the crows couldn’t help themselves when they got into the holiday spirit. It wasn’t their fault she left.

The feeling of another’s presence in the room suddenly weighed on his shoulders. “Inej.”

The suli girl slipped around the corner and ducked her head. “A letter.”

Black coffee-brown eyes watched her carefully as she avoided eye contact at all costs. He reached out to get the letter and froze when he saw the return address under the flickering light of his candle.

Inej’s shoulder sank as she muttered her departure quickly, not wanting to see the effect of the letter on him.

Kaz heard the heavy door shut and released the breath that was stuck in his throat. He pulled his letter opener out of his desk drawer and pulled the letter out of the envelope. The glimpse of her messy handwriting brought a shameful sense of warmth to his chest. He had no right to feel comforted at the mere sight of her penmanship.

His eyes scanned over her words on parchment, he could almost hear her voice asking him questions about the other crows and his well-being. How’s life? Tell me how’s the crows? I haven’t seen them in a while… He could hear her trailing off in thought. He nearly laughed at her trying to keep small talk even in a letter, avoiding bringing up sensitive topics. Just her being thoughtful of him as always. Something he never learned to do with her. Well, that’s all from me. I still don’t know when I’ll be back. ‘If she’ll ever be back. It’s already been a year.’ Write back when you can, Kaz. Please. All the best, Y/N

He should write back, he had so much to tell her. How he regretted his words and how he wished he could take them back. Give her the love and appreciation she deserves. She deserved the world but he couldn’t even give her his time.

He sighed to himself and ran a hand through his hair. He picked up his pen while reaching for a clean roll of parchment. His eyes glazed over for a moment before he snapped himself out of his own thoughts. The pen’s tip was dipped in ink and hovered over the parchment for a moment too long. Kaz’s mind raced a hundred miles per hour while nothing stuck in his brain. Where was he to start?

Dear Y/N

~

*Summer of the previous year*

The heat of the night clung to Y/N’s skin as she walked along the balconies of the large manor the Crows were robbing. Inej was spying from the roof, the others were inside attending the party, and Y/N was making her way to the right window from where they would let her in.

“Saints,” she cursed as she fanned herself with her hands, the heat starting to make her dizzy and the black outfit she wore didn’t help. The click of the window sounded from beside her causing her to sigh in relief, “S’bout time.”

She slipped through the window and pulled her black hood down, her hair falling out and framing her face. She felt a pair of eyes burning into the side of her head, she smirked and turned towards the pair of coffee-brown eyes. “You unlocked the safe?” She tilted her head in question teasingly.

Kaz snapped out of his daze and turned back to the safe, turning the dial a few more times before it popped open. The sight of jewels and stacks of kruge brought smiles and smirks to all of their faces.

Ding! The half-hour mark.

“Let’s get moving.”

They all stuffed their pockets and bags full of jewels, all of them joking about how they’d be kings and queens as if they weren’t already. The group of five quickly tossed the bags out onto the balcony, Y/N following out the window. She leaned inside, finding herself face-to-face with Kaz as he waited to shut the window. “Meet you back home.” She lifted her head and pecked his lips quickly before turning and grabbing the bags, tossing one to Inej who was waiting above her.

It wasn’t long before all the crows were safely back at the Slat, completing another successful heist.

Y/N sat in Kaz’s room in her designated seat by the window overlooking the Barrel. The man came out of his washroom and made his way to his desk. Various candles lit the room, all of them different scented but all making the comforting scent of Y/N.

“You froze up today.”

Kaz avoided looking at her and hummed.

“Don’t ignore me,” she chuckled, walking over to his side. “You never freeze up.”

“I-”

“Don’t lie to me either.”

“Okay, fine.”

Y/N smirked, “So you admit you froze up?”

“Yes,” he huffed while sorting two piles of paperwork before placing them in a makeshift filing cabinet.

“You… Oh, I don’t know. Got distracted maybe?” She teased.

Kaz rolled his eyes, choosing to stay silent.

“That’s a yes if I ever heard one.”

“You didn’t hear anything because I didn’t say anything.” Kaz almost laughed at the proud smile on his girlfriend’s face. He knew that she knew what caused him to get distracted. She just wanted him to verbally confirm it, which would never happen.

“Well, I appreciate it.” She hummed, leaning her head on her palm.

He cocked an eyebrow, confused. “I didn’t do anything either.”

“You stared at me and it actually distracted you.” She giggled into her fingers as she covered her lips. “It was basically you complimenting me. So thank you.”

“Well, you’re welcome for not even saying anything.” He eyed her jokingly, admiring the way her head fell back when she laughed. The way her eyes squinted and all her teeth shone with her bright smile. He loved her. She deserved the world but he couldn’t give it to her yet. He would be able to one day, but all he knew at this moment was that he loved her.

~

*Fall*

The howling wind whistled through the narrow streets of the Barrel while Y/N sat at a small table looking out the window of her favorite coffee shop. Late. Again. She sighed to herself as she downed the rest of her coffee, thanking the barista on the way out. She went down all the familiar streets and alleyways back to the Crow Club. The tall building and warm lights came into view, the sound of bets being called, and laughter could be heard from all the way down the street. She pushed the door open before shedding her scarf and coat off and shook out her wind-swept hair. She turned to the bar, already flagging down the bartender as her eyes caught on to the recognizable black coat that belonged to her boyfriend. In the weak attempts to tamper down her irritation she noticed her Zemmini friend standing next to him while the pair shared drinks. She trailed over to the pair and shoved Kaz’s shoulder.

“Where were you?” she hissed through her teeth, trying not to cause a scene.

Jesper nodded and quickly left the couple alone.

“I’ve been here, what do you mean?” he asked apathetically as he brought his glass to his lips. The yellow lighting cast shadows across his face which made Y/N’s stomach twist when she saw a distant look in his eyes.

“What do you mean, what do you mean?” She snatched the glass from his hand and slammed it down on the worn wood surface of the bar. “This was the fourth time you stood me up. You made me look like a fool, just waiting there for an hour, hoping the Bastard of the Barrel would actually come.”

“Don’t yell at me. Not here.” He grabbed her wrist and pulled her behind him gently. She followed wordlessly as they passed their group of friends, feeling their curious stares burn into the couple’s backs as they walked up the stairs. He let go of her hand when they made it to his office and closed the door behind them.

“You didn’t show up. Again, Kaz” Y/N started once again and he could feel her exasperation radiating off her. “If you didn’t want to come in the first place, why did you set it up?”

“I forgot.”

“You forgot,” she scoffed. “Yeah, 'cause you can remember every single detail for a heist but you can’t remember a date you set up with your girlfriend?”

Kaz stared down at his desk, guilt crawling its way up his throat but he swallowed it down. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Right, that’s the first time I’ve heard that. Kaz, I’m sick of being last on your list of priorities. If you don’t want me or- or I’m too much work for you then tell me so. Don’t beat around the bush with me, you don’t have to spare my feelings.” She sighed helplessly, her hands swinging by her hips. “Just tell me what you want.”

He shook his head slowly before looking up at her with regretful eyes, “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

~

*back to present time*

Walking down the dirt roads of her hometown was nostalgic but after a while it got boring. Y/N sighed as she walked up to her mother’s favorite fruit stand and smiled kindly at the owner. Picking up fruits and seeing which were ripe was now a weekly chore for the Crow and she had to admit, it was relaxing at first but she had grown to miss the begrimed city of Ketterdam.

“What about these?”

A cheery voice caught her attention and she turned to see a couple come up to the stand a bit away from her, examining the fruit just as she was.

“The farmer’s market! How did you know?”

Kaz chuckled deeply, “Right… Because you haven’t been talking about it all week.”

Y/N laughed and placed her hand in the crook of his elbow. “I just needed to make sure you got the hint, my love.”

Y/N shook her head and turned to the owner, quickly asking for the few fruits and berry baskets she had picked up. She handed over the coins and started her walk home, her thoughts drifting back to the man she loved who waited back in the Barrel.

It’s been a year since she left Ketterdam and in the meantime, she had found a job and tried everything she could to get over Kaz. “I have more than enough money…” She muttered to herself as the thought of going back settled in her mind. She missed the Crows dearly, the Slat and Crow Club as well, but she missed nothing more than she missed Kaz.

She sighed, “Maybe I left too soon.” Kaz hurt her and she was quick to become hot-tempered, making the irrational decision to leave and go back to her mother. She never really wanted to leave but he wasn’t giving her any reason to stay, so she bought a ticket for the next ship out. Her mother welcomed her with open arms and comforted her through her heartache.

The clearing of someone's throat brought her out of her thoughts. "A letter addressed to Y/N," the letter carrier held out a small envelope to her. She smiled and muttered her thanks as she looked down at the return address. Her eyes widened at the name written in flourished lines and loops. Kaz Brekker.

“She’d understand,” she said, trying to convince herself that her mother wouldn't hold her back as she walked up the small steps to the front door. ‘I’m going back home.’

She made her way to the kitchen and placed the fruits and berries away before calling into the house, “Mom! I need to talk to you.”

*

The Slat’s main door slammed shut with the strong wind tunneling in from the narrow streets. The noise caused some of the younger Dregs to lean farther away from the limping man as he walked up the narrow staircase to his room. The low lighting in the Slat cast dramatic shadows across his sharp facial features.

“Kaz,” Wylan’s voice sounded behind him.

He spun around and stared the younger of the pair in front of him down. Jesper nudged Wylan’s shoulder before muttering something Kaz couldn’t pick up on. The couple shared a knowing look, making suspicion rise in Kaz, but he quickly pushed it down.

“Uh- never mind. Sorry.” The fluffy-haired brunette cleared his throat.

With one more glare, he turned back and continued up the stairs, his knee weak with every step. He unlocked his room door and closed it behind him. He went to hang his coat on the wall as he slipped his shoes off and instantly noticed the hook on the wall occupied by a navy blue coat and a small matching hat. Also, he could feel the air blowing into the room from the now-opened window and the soft lighting of multiple candles around the room. Y/N. Her comforting scent could have drowned him where he stood.

“I didn’t expect you to be this late.”

Kaz froze in his place, not needing to turn around to know who it was. His heart began to race at the thought of her waiting for him in his room. “You’re back.” His voice was strained as he moved her hat to place his coat on top before hanging the hat again. He turned around and fought to keep his composure.

She sat in her regular seat with her legs crossed and hands folded in her lap neatly. Her smile was warm and welcoming as she stared back at him with so much love in her eyes. “I’m back. I’m sorry it took so long.”