#they promised us 'broken pieces everywhere' and i want more of them

[the-roo-too]

karina fluff alphabet when? 😭😭

now? 🥲

candy -> yu jimin ver

aka the fluff alphabet

admiration (what does she absolutely adore about you)- i can’t say you whole because that would be too cliche, but it’s kinda true. she looks at you with those heart eyes like you build her world brick by brick

body (what’s her favourite body part of yours)- karina the typa girl who’d poke your lip a little lol. running her thumb over it—she loves that shit. you have so many lip balms because she says they remind her of you

cuddling (how she likes to cuddle)- i think she likes looking at you when you’re cuddling. just because you look so cute up close, yk? (with rizz 🫦) so she loves you laying your head on her lap, or you cuddling up to her chest <3

dates (what’s her ideal date)- cat cafe typa person. you’re eating yummy pancakes AND a cute little cat is purring on your lap? alternatively she’d love to hear some classical music for a late night outing, like going to an opera just for the sake of it. she’s a sucker for classical music i’m telling you 😔

emotions (how does she express her emotions around you)- with that, she doesn’t really hide. you’re her girlfriend, you both should communicate your emotions to ensure a happy relationship:)

family (does she want one)- maybeee..? she’d like kids at home but not maybe all of the time. i think you two would be the rich gay aunties who spoil their little nieces if anything

gifts (what about gift giving)- she’s not to big on that tbh. in the love language section i get more into the details, but karina prefers acts of service over gifts, she’ll also love if you do it back!

holding hands (does she like to hold hands)- not in public!!! but at home? she has to hold your hand while you’re watching movies or she’ll just spend the whole time looking at you with a pitiful pout on her face

injuries (what would she do if you got hurt)- hurt=papercut: kisses it better and runs to get you a bandaid. “wounds heal better when you kiss them”; hurt=broken leg: when you get the cast, she carries you around everywhere 😭 you’re like a backpack now, glued to her back. now imagine the muscles she’ll build with that workout…

jokes (does she like to joke around)- dry ass dad jokes and you can’t convince me otherwise. karina would use bad pick up lines on you, the ones you’d find on tiktok or smth. she’d be so proud too 😭😭😭

kisses (how does she like to kiss you)- i’m thinking hand on your cheek, caressing your skin gently when she leans in to peck your lips <:)

love (what’s her love language)- acts of service. brings you coffee in the morning, offers to give you a massage when you come to her tired after a long and busy day. she thinks gifts are nice, but not personal enough. karina wants you to feel how much she adores you

memory (what’s her favourite memory together)- seeing you on the street one day 😭 first time you two met it was raining heavily and she won you over by running to you with her umbrella, mustering up all of her rizzing nature 😔 the memory still makes her stomach flutter

nighttime (how does sleeping with her look like)- big on being the big spoon, then cuddles up to you like a cat in the middle of the night. she just needs to be warm ok. you think you’re in a relationship? you’re her personal heat pad

oddity (what’s one quirky thing about her)- karina is a massive loser i am telling you

pet names (what does she like to call you)- ‘babie’, ‘my cutie’, ‘dearest’. maybe also variations of your name like ‘y/nnie’, ‘y/nny’ etc

quality time (how does she like to spend time with you)- imagine for a second that you play some instrument, like piano. now stay with me, she absolutely adores it. wants you to play her silly pieces, like parts of their songs or chopin’s waltz’s.

rush (does she rush into things)- after that previous relationship? no thank you 💖

secrets (how open is she with you)- tells you about how she stole a pencil from her best friend in third grade, a secret she promised to take to grave with her, but refuses to tell you her parent’s names until you’re together like a year. silly things > personal info

time (how long did it take her to confess)- you tricked her into confessing ☝️ girlie wasn’t picking up on your ‘subtle’ signs (visiting her every two days for a month straight) so you talked about hot idols you’d have a crush on until she admitted to hating when you spoke about others because she wanted you to be hers 🤙

upset (what’s her reaction when you’re upset)- karina needs help then lol. she won’t know by herself what to do. maybe if you’re upset over something minor, like her forgetting to give you a kiss when she was leaving in the morning, she’s just kiss you to apologise when she’s back? otherwise the whole aespa is recruited as a rescue squad lol

visibility (is she afraid of the public opinion)- terrified 👍 we all know how fans reacted to her last public relationship so… idk if she would wanna come out with you until you’re like getting married 🥲

warrior (how often do you fight)- i think she’s a little scared to fight honestly. she thinks fighting would make you see her weak sides and she’s just scared to loose you :(((

x-ray (is she able to read you)- yes but also, karina is a loser trapped in a hot body let’s be honest. she just doesn’t pick up some clues :( poor baby thinks you’re coming to their dorm just because and it takes a lot of convincing for her to understand your one on one late night hangouts are in fact dates

yes (how would she propose to you)- in the most corny ass way you can think of. sappy love confession under the moonlight OR maybe she’d propose if dispatch somehow caught whiff of your relationship lol. then it would be rushed tho

zen (what makes her feel calm)- hear me out, driving around. especially, driving around a motorcycle. i don’t think she has a motorcycle license lol karina just gives me the vibes of someone who, when she’s stressed, would ask you to get with her on her bike. also, wrapping your arms around her waist ☝️🤓

part of [the fluff series]

[devilenchantress]

𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐋𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐧… 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐠𝐨

🪵 Pairing — > Logan Howlett x Reader (+ a little bit of Laura)

🪵 Genre —> Sad & a bit of angst

🪵 Warning —> Mention of death, death scene & very emotional reactions from the reader (the story is a remake of Logan’s dying scene)

🪵 Summary —> After helping the children you search for Logan everywhere but when you find him you wish you hadn’t. He was dying, your heart was breaking into pieces, but you both had to say your goodbyes.

🪵Dividers credit —> @moosgraphics

After rescuing the children Y/N was looking for Logan. She kept running everywhere hoping she would see him and unfortunately for her, she did. He was lying on the floor, stabbed in the heart by a tree, doing his goodbyes to Laura.

Y/N couldn’t believe it, she couldn’t believe her eyes which we’re becoming more and more wet. She walk towards him softly and slowly, her hands we’re shaking and when she arrived in front of him, still in shock, she knelt to his side.

Her lips were trembling and when their eyes locked only a tear went down on her cheek, and she said whispering :

«  Please Logan… don’t go, please please don’t go. » and with that she started crying.

Logan had troubles talking but he tried his best to reassure her :

« Hey look at me, Y/N look at me, it’s going to be okay everything is going to be okay. You and Laura you’re going to stay together, you’re going to be a family and you’re going to be okay. »

« Please I can’t, I can’t loose you, I love you too much to loose you Logan. I can’t do it I can’t handle it. »

Y/N couldn’t stop crying and her mind couldn’t stop racing at the thought that she was about to loose the man she spent years of her life with :

« Please don’t abandon me, don’t abandon us. »

Logan wanted her to be strong, he wanted her to be okay, he needed her to be okay so he said :

« You’re going to forget about me and live a happy life. No matter how much you love me I want you to be happy, I need you to be happy. Promise me this, please promise me. »

Y/N didn’t want to say it because she knew it could never be true, she could never forget about him. But no matter how much it broke her heart she knew she had to say these words. It was the only way to make Logan go in peace. So she smiled, while trying to stop crying and said to him :

« I promise you that I am going to forget about you and live a happy life, with Laura. That no matter how much I love you, I’ll be happy. »

Logan’s breath was starting to leave his body, slowly, but he could feel it. So he looked deeply in Y/N’s eyes and with the tiny bit of breath he had left he said :

« I will always love you princess, always. »

To this Y/N answered :

« I will always love you too. »

And at the sound of that Logan smiled but soon after he took his last breath and the only thing Y/N could see in his eyes was emptiness. But at least she thought, he died happy.

Y/N hugged Logan body, and screamed all the air she had in her lungs while crying, she couldn’t stop, she was so broken. It felt like her whole heart has been ripped apart from her chest. She was covered in his blood but she didn’t even care. She just needed to feel him, that’s all she wanted.

As she saw Y/N distress, Laura came closer and knelt too, she then hugged Y/N who accepted it hug gladly in hopes that it could bring them both comfort and love.

[fukcnoplease]

Things Always Go Wrong Pt3

Pt1 Pt2 Pt4 Pt5

Gotham was truly testing her abilities. Usually she could vibe check the building and be good but the vibes of Gotham were rancid everywhere she went. Every building and street had some varying level of unsafe and she could feel Danny slowing behind her. He wasn't going to stay on his feet for much longer. Thankfully there were plenty of alleys they could probably hide in and even though it was already midmorning the thick smog on the city made it look like the dawn had only just broken. The alleys were still dark and as soon as she paused at the back of the alley she felt Danny collapse into her. His breathing was ragged and he was slick with sweat. She tried vibrating her core at him and the response she got was uncoordinated and harsh. It was as if two things were trying to respond to her, attempting to drown each other out.

“Shit.” she said. Jazz would be mad for her language, you know, if she didn't kill her for killing her brother. 

“Found you, wretch.” A voice said and Dani shot up into a fighting stance. The entrance of the alley was blocked by five people, all dress head to toe in white and aiming several weapons at them. They were all men and significantly bigger than her. That would be fine in her ghost form but transforming in front of them was risky.

Danny groaned from the cold alley floor and Dani grimaced. She growled, inhumane and low, and punched her palm as she went ghost. Showing her transformation was a small price to pay to protect Danny and they probably had her, or Danny’s, ecto-signature if they had managed to follow them cross state lines so accurately. 

Their weapons hummed as they charged and Dani caught a glimpse of color above them. Praying she had seen right she took in a breath and shouted her words.

“I am the princess of the Infinite Realms. Any harm that comes to me is a direct attack on the entire dimension of the Infinite Realms and cause for a war between our worlds!” Internally she cringed at her words but she prayed they had the right effect. 

“Ha! Like you could fool us, you manipulative ecto-sum! You’re coming with us. If you're lucky you might even make it in one piece” The leader, she assumed as he was standing at the front of the group, said. She tensed in case her gamble went south and prepared for something to hit her. 

Thankfully she didn't feel anything and a yellow hero came crashing down on the agents with a ferocity she wasn't expecting. He used what she thought were escrima sticks but they were connected together with a long wire and looked modified. He downed the panicked agents in seconds and turned to Dani. Unconscious agents littered around him.

His sudden movements made her drop into a defensive stance and he froze. Gently putting away his weapons as he raised his hands to show he meant no harm.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was just trying to help.” The man paused as he looked over the two disheveled siblings. The white haired girl was glaring at him but looked more wary than aggressive and the dark haired boy on the floor looked incredibly ill. “Would it be ok if I helped you? I can call some friends and we can get you to a safe space.”

Dani stared the man down. He could fight, and right now she wasn't confident she could take him. Not while protecting a very incapacitated Danny. He had a black bat symbol on his chest which was good but also bad. Good because Batman was a hero and helped those in need. Bad because Batman was famous for not liking metas and while she and Danny weren’t metas she doubted Batman would care enough to make the distinction. Hopefully if she played up the royalty bit she could get maybe some leeway.

“Ok, bumblebee, but I want you to promise you wont hurt me or my… ambassador,” Danny was going to be so mad when he woke up, “or I will bring the entire Infinite Realms down on this world.” She did her best to sound threatening and maybe using some energy to make herself scarier but she wouldn't admit it.

“Of course, your… highness?” Bumblebee asked. Dani frowned, she didn't like ‘your highness’ but she couldn't give her actual name…

“You can call me… Elle.” She felt her insides crumple up at how cringey that name felt and she was very glad Danny was out cold for this conversation. The bumblebee hero nodded and said something into what she assumed was an earpiece. After a few minutes of discussion he went quiet and began watching the roofs. Dani floated off the ground slightly, trying to see what he was looking for. She didn't notice the surprise that flitted across his face at her show of power or the silent black hero who landed gracefully beside Bumblebee. 

“Hey Black Bat. Can you help me gather these guys up? Batman should be en route but might take a minute to get here.” Bumblebee said. Dani whipped around to see the new hero, black bat apparently, silently working her way through the knocked out GIW.

“Batman is coming?” Dani asked, anxiety making her fidget with her hands. That wasn't good. She couldn't pretend to be a princess around him, he could practically smell lies, or fear, and maybe she could be the princess of the Infinite Realms but she wasn't officially! Not yet at least. And Danny definitely wasn't her ambassador. Shit, maybe if she played up with the sad little girl image? Batman was known to take pity on kids… or was that one of his allies. She should’ve listened in on the conversation the bumblebee had had earlier, maybe she would have had something to work with then.

Black bat and bumblebee worked together to tie up the GIW and leave them in an easily accessible spot for when the police came around. Black bat touched bumblebees bicep and he looked up to see the scary shadow of Batman looming over the alley. Dani notices him too and landed in front of Danny, spreading her arms to block him from Batman's view as he landed beside the other heroes.

“Report.” Was all he said as he looked over the scene. His gaze lingered on the unconscious boy and Dani had to resist growling at him, in case that ruined her case for receiving help. Bumblebee took a breath and nodded.

“I found these two as they were about to be attacked by a group of people,” he gestured to the tied up men in white, “it looked like meta trafficking and I stepped in. Elle,” he gave a smile to Dani who cringed internally, “gave the men fair warning about their attack being against royalty and at risk of ruining dimensional relations, they refused to back off.”

Batman responded with a noncommittal ‘hn’ and narrowed his eyes at Dani who prickled under the gaze.

“For the record,” Bumblebee added, a little hesitant, “I believe her.”

Batman nodded and took a step closer to Dani and this time she did growl. The man stopped and regarded her. She glared back. He wasnt coming near her or Danny. Not in his state.

“Would you like to come with us?” Was all batman said. Stern and quiet. Dani didn't move, she looked over Batman’s unmoving face and then back at the bumblebee and black bat. The bumblebee hero looked worried but more for Batman than Dani and the black bat seemed relaxed as she watched.

“Where are you going to take us?” Dani asked. Batman frowned slightly and Dani worried he would just try and grab them. 

“A place where we can keep you safe and confirm your royal status,” he said. Dani didn't really like the sound of that but she could feel Danny getting worse and she was running out of time to make a decision. When he chose that exact moment to let out a pained groan Dani almost smacked him. Batman’s frown deepened and Dani felt her throat bob.

“We might even be able to help your friend.” He offered.

“My ambassador,” She corrected, if she was gonna sell this she had to go all out, “And I don't want you to lay a hand on him.”

Batman gave her the slightest, stiffest nod she had ever seen and she relaxed. Batman nodded to the other heroes and black bat vanished, bumblebee paused before leaving himself. Dani felt her anxiety come back threefold at being left alone with the big bad bat but in a few seconds a fancy black bat shaped car skidded to a halt outside the alley. In the passenger seat was the familiar bumblebee, he grinned and waved at them. Batman stared at him in what Dani thought could be disapproval but said nothing. The doors to the suped up car popped open and bumblebee stepped out.

“You can get in the back seat. Do you need help with your ambassador?” He said as he stepped back into the alley. Dani shook her head and Batman made a grumbling sound.

“Signal.” he said. Bumblebee, signal apparently, shrugged and continued towards Dani until she stiffened.

“I just wanted them to have a familiar face so the journey wasn't too stressful. Black bat and Spoiler are covering me while I stick with them.” He said, smiling at Batman and then turning back to Dani. He moved to help her pick Danny up but she shook her head at him and he stepped back. Batman made another ‘hn’ sound before retreating to the driver seat of the car. 

Dani moved Danny around and picked him up by throwing him over her shoulder. He wasn't heavy but he was bigger than her and it made him difficult to carry. Signal, she preferred bumblebee, hovered around her but was careful not to touch Danny as she carried him to the car. They managed to get Danny securely in the back seat of the batcar and Dani slid in next to him. He looked worse. Maybe moving him wasn't the smartest idea but Dani didn't know what else to do. If the GIW had their ecto-signature there wasn't a safe place to hide. Maybe Batman would be able to protect them but it would only last so long. She pushed aside her fears and gripped Danny’s too warm hand. The scenery went passed too quickly for her to see and the drive was silent. She was starting to hate road trips.

~~

This is short but the next one is gonna be LONG I got distracted anyway I love that people are enjoying this, i like writing it :)

[importantangels]

Yes please 🙏

A/N okay, so I had no intentions of making a part 3 or even a part 2, but here we are, so I hope you guys like it. 💗

Fixing what's broken (Farewell kiss part 3)

Word count: 878

Remy Lebeau x Reader

Summary: Y/N takes the girls to see Remy

The mansion buzzed with activity, but all Y/N could focus on was the call she had gotten an hour before, which had come from one of the X-Men, who informed her that Remy had been injured during battle, which caused her to almost leap off the couch in a rush to grab the car keys and the kids. Her thoughts almost caused her to walk right past the door to the room Remy was staying in while he recovered, if it wasn't for Riley planting her feet and pulling Y/N to a stop, she would've walked with Rose until she realized. Y/N stares at the door for a moment, the girls taking that as a moment to speak to her before they see their father.

"Mommy, do you think Daddy's gonna be okay?" Riley's voice was timid, like she was afraid of the answer. Y/N tried to give a comforting smile, but she honestly didn't know how comforting it would actually be. "He'll be alright." Y/N's voice sounded unsure despite her words. She turns to Rose, whom she holds in her arms. "Ready to see Daddy?" She opens the door before Rose can do more than nod. When the door opened, Y/N's heart hurt at the sight of Remy lying on a bed, all bandaged up but still alert. There were cuts on his face and bruises forming everywhere that she could see. She didn't want to imagine what his bruising looked like under his clothes. "Hey, there's my beautiful girls!"

Remy's voice sounded much more energetic than his face looked, it probably hurt to smile from all the bruises and cuts. "Daddy!" Both of the girls exclaimed in unison, with Riley crawling up onto the bed to give him a hug and Y/N placing Rose on the bed to do the same. "Be gentle, girls, Daddy's still in pain, okay?" Y/N tells the two before stepping back and watching the sweet reunion. She felt relief and love, but the knot of worry she'd had since Remy left still hadn't gone away. "C’mere chérie. I'm alright, I promise." He spoke after the girls got comfy and snuggled into his side like they used to when they were babies.

Y/N stepped closer to the bed, and Remy reached out his free arm that wasn't wrapped around the girls, pulling her close. "I'm sorry for worryin’ y’all." He squeezed everyone closer in a hug before pressing a kiss on everyone's forehead. "I really didn't mean to scare ya." His words were directed to Y/N, he knew she probably freaked out when she got the phone call. Y/N closed her eyes, squishing closer to him. "You better not scare us like this again, Remy." She says it firmly. "We need you." Y/N opens her eyes, looking up at him, tears welling up in her eyes. Remy brushes a tear away. "I ain’t goin’ nowhere." He speaks in a comforting voice as he runs his other hand over the top of the girls heads.

Riley moves to look up at her parents, her brow furrowed. "Daddy, you have to be more careful!" She exclaimed, and Rose nodded vigorously in agreement. Remy chuckled softly but winced slightly at the pain in his ribs when he laughed. "I hear y’all loud and clear, I promise to be more careful." He tells the girls, knowing he'd agree to anything for them. "We love you, Remy." Y/N says this as she watches him interact with their kids. He places a sweet kiss on her lips before looking at all three of them. "I love y’all more than anything."

The rest of the afternoon was spent together, with the girl deciding to draw pictures for Remy to look at while he recovered and Y/N sitting next to him watching the girls run back and forth to show off each new piece of art. The sun had started to set, and Y/N knew it was almost time to get the girls home, but she didn't want to leave Remy there by himself and knew the kids wouldn't want to go either. "Remy, I think it's time I took the kids home, probably should make dinner and give them a bath." Her voice was quiet, like she didn't want him to hear the words. Remy's face turned into a small frown as he spoke. "Already?" He asked, looking towards the window, seeing the sun setting and the sky getting dark. "Yeah, but you'll be able to come home with us soon." She tried to comfort him with her words as she stood up from the bed and stretched.

"If you want, I can call you before they fall asleep, so you can say goodnight." Y/N offered as he sat up a little, looking tiredly at the girls who were still drawing. "Yeah, that would be great." He still looked sad, but slightly more cheerful. Y/N steps towards Riley and Rose before speaking up. "Okay girls, let's clean up so we can go." Her words were met with lots of 'no's', but Remy reassured them that they would come back tomorrow to see him. It wasn't like he was going anywhere, right?

[hearts4chriss]

Leather Jacket.

𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒

Bad boy!Chris + Nerd!Black fem!

Part 03

prompt: where Chris catches his friends bullying you and has too make a big decision.

contains: ANGST! Bullying, crying, violence, use of pet names ( my girl, princess, baby ), major fluff at the end ( keepin that a secret )

it had been 4 days since that whole incident in class with us, resulting in me taking her home which leaded to me beginning to take her home after her physics club and my football practice.

accept one day, it took her a bit longer than normal.

See my practice ended at 5:30 and her club ended at 5:45. I didn’t know what was taking her so long, I figured they just got held up so I waited another 15 minutes.

That’s when I began to hear some rumbling as yelling behind the school as I was in the front.

I sigh dropping my bags down and begin to walk behind the school seeing something I-i didn’t want too.

There she was, in her uniform on the ground surrounded by 3 of my friends.

they had taken off her glasses and were holding them away from her and mocking her calling her “nerdy girl” , “freak” , “ugly nerd” and hurtful words causing my fists to clench and my heart pump.

they had took her bag and threw her papers everywhere and they just kept laughing at her and throwing insult after insult and it began to break my heart as I couldn’t watch her be in pain anymore

“Please-just-leave me alone-“ she shudders through her tears and my “friends” just laugh at her.

“or what? gonna go cry to your boyfriend?” Oh wait you won’t have one! You never will because guys don’t like pathetic things like you. They chuckled and kept laughing at her and I had enough of it.

“Guys what the fuck are you doing?!” I yelled and they all turned around and looked at me.

“Just picking on this nerd you should join”. One smirked at me and I tilted my head to the side and scoffed.

“No I’m not doing this- I’m not doing this anymore I’m done”. I stood my ground my fist clenching becoming more visibly noticeable and one of them give me a pity laugh as I’ve never been the one to turn them down

“What? She’s just a girl she’s nothing sp-“ I cut him off with a swing too the mouth causing him to fall and the ground as the other two immediately catch and go for me next

“What the fuck man your supposed to be our friend? Beating us up for some random ne-“ that resulting in two gut bunches two the other guys as they all fall down on the wall.

“Watch ur fucking mouth when ur talking about her”. I say through gritted teeth leaving them all a few angry punches causing blood to appear on my fists

I was pissed, how dare they talk about this innocent girl who doesn’t do anything and at that, she’s my girl, she’s my fucking princess.

“c-Chris”- I hear her little voice cry out weakly and my gaze immediately shifts to her.

her slump body lay in the corner and her glasses scattered off and scratches on the clear lenses, her books and papers scattered and she looked so in distress as tears and shakes consumed her body.

“baby..I’m right here I promise”. I say leaning down in a squat beginning to pick all her things up and put them in her pink backpack.

she looked up at with me with a shaken and scared expression and that’s when I realized she really was afraid and she was hurt.

“You mind if I carry you?” I asked her calmly and she shook her head and I scooped her into my arms carrying her bridal style.

She rested her head on my chest as I picked up my other bags I had left near the entrance of the school.

“It’s okay princess I got you”. I kiss the top of her head and she sighs tiredly as I placed her carefully in the front seat of my car.

I began to drive her back too her house and she just laid there in the seat looking so fragile, as if she’d been broken into a million pieces.

“Ur parents care if I come in?” I asked peering at her softly.

“N-no they’ll be okay with it-“ she stutters and I smile at how cute she was beginning to drive down her street.

I parked in her drive way grabbing her bag with her keys in it and carrying her once again.

I unlocked the door and was greeted with her parents who had a shocked look on my face

“Oh god what happened?!” Her mother says with a worried face.

“Some a- guys school were bullying her and I took care of it”. I said calmly watching my tone and language and her mother sighs.

“Thank you- her rooms just up this way”. She sighs again and I nodded thanking her carrying her upstairs.

“Did we just let Chris sturniolo be alone with our daughter?” Her dad whispers.

I suppose we all have our moments…

In her room

I lay her on the bed and rummage in her closet grabbing her one of my hoodies I’d left over from when we…you know. She really liked it so I let her keep it.

“Here honey”. I give her the hoodie and she sits up.

“Can you help me? Please?” She says softly giving me puppy eyes slightly squinted because she wasn’t wearing her glasses.

“Oh of course”. I say being quick with taking off her clothes my breath hitching seeing her in a matching white bra and panties but I shake my head and place my hoodie over her smaller body.

“wait- m-my glasses- where are they?” She said anxiously getting up searching her bag and scrambling

“Wait”- I was cut off by her pulling them out her bag, the scratches on the lenses seemingly broke her heart, she needed those glasses and she loved them.

“My glasses…” she sighs sadly and I come over to her pulling her into my arms.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I promise I’ll fix all of this for you yeah?” I say facing her toward me and she smiles showing me her dimples and I instantly melt seeing her face like this.

Seeing how vulnerable she was with me, at her weakest point and she trusted me, the boy whose known for manipulating girls just like her, she was sitting right in his arms, my arms, peaceful and quiet.

She gained her trust for me, overtime even though I manipulated her into letting me fuck her, that wasn’t just a one time thing. I had grown too like her more overtime.

Seeing how she responded to my body, the way she would flush through her gorgeous brown skin, the way she’s stutter when I’d call her princess or baby or any of my nicknames for the matter. The way she’d sink into my arms whenever I wrapped them around her. The way she grew more comfortable with me had just made my heart pump with anticipation.

I needed to protect her, watch her, take care of her, make sure she was okay.

there was no sign or whatever to explain why my feelings are the way they are.

But there’s one thing I could say, something I never thought I’d say.

I think I’m falling for her

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[elcpsstuff]

The Summer I Remembered You (C.F) (Part 20)

even when I don’t, I almost do. Because I love you.

—

A/N: You guys i’m actually sobbing while writing this! The last part is here and i’m honestly feeling so many emotions right now. From the first chapter to now seeing how every character as grown just makes my heart absolutely melt ahh. This is the last part but when season 3 comes out who knows, there might be a sequel;) (no promises) !! I love you all sooo much and please enjoy this really long chapter <3

—

There’s not many ways to categorize Susannah. She’s not just a mother figure to me. She’s the beach house on sunny days and all weather accompanied and when I do a lot of things I think about her.

I’ll never forget the day my parents died. I might have been young but it’s one of the first things I remember. John and Laurel running to the house with Steven and Belly in the car, and a confused 6 year old waiting for her parents to get home. Come home to me.

Apparently, therapy sessions are the way to fix someone who was categorized as broken like me. I got taken to countless different therapists but what was I supposed to say? Like ‘yeah i’m pretty sad about my parents dying but i’ll get over it.’

The first summer that went by without my parents, I went to the beach house. I had gone two times before that but this time was truly my first visit. To me it was.

I don’t remember much, but I do remember Susannah. According to her (and laurel) I cried for hours in my room, assuming it was about my parents. Everybody left me alone until my whales became too loud and Susannah couldn’t help but step in.

She walked into my room, not forgetting to shut the door and sat on the edge of my bed. “Yn? Sweetie?”

“Y- yeah?” I covered my tears in hopes that I would just look groggy from a nap but I obviously failed, miserably.

“What’s going on?” She cooed at me while brushing some strands of hair out my face.

“I miss them.. my.. my—”

“I know you do. I’m sorry it had to be this way yn..” I still remembered her voice to this day, in that room. It was so soothing sometimes I requested her to come in and talk to me before bed.

“Can I tell you something yn?”

I nodded weakly, “mhm..”

She held me in her arms while whispering a soft melody in my ear before saying; “This beach house is as much yours as mine. Okay? Your here and apart of us now. Of me.”

I smiled at the thought before falling deep asleep.

I was always close with Susannah after that, as much as I could be. Sometimes summer wasn’t enough.

Now, i’m sobbing all my makeup off into the sheets Susannah picked out for this house. Conrad really was right when he said it— she’s everywhere and everything in this house. Picked out ever wall color and every single piece of furniture.

I used to love to look at the things Susannah did for this house, it reminded me of her. Now- I can’t even look at the walls without crying. Because soon she’ll only be a memory.

Belly’s cries in my ear were more heartbreaking than I could have imagined. Me, Belly, and Laurel were all stuck together on the bed like peas in a pod. Laurel crying was something I never thought I would see and now I wished I hadn’t.

“I just feel so stupid. This whole summer has been about me and Susannah had been dying of cancer.”

I almost wanted to tell Belly not to, not to say it. She had no right. But she did, because she really really was dying. That was the reality of the matter. I can only imagine Jeremiah and Conrad if we’re crying this bad. It breaks my heart.

“That’s how she wanted it though,” Laurel whispers, “One last perfect summer in cousins.”

One last perfect summer. Was this the end? It hit me then, maybe it was the end. Conrad would be going off to college in the fall and me, Jeremiah, and Steven were all going into our senior years. Even Belly was growing. She wasn’t far off from college either.

“It’s just not fair,” I add in, sobbing through my words. “Why does she have to go? It’s.. it’s..”. Horrible. Not fair. So many things that I want to say but my choked cries hold me back.

The door creaks open and a very sad looking Steven creeps into the room. His eyes are draped and tears stained his face. Shakily, he said, “She’s not gonna get better is she?”

When Laurel shakes her had no, my cries come faster as well as Belly’s. Steven runs to the other side of the bed and climbs in next to Laurel, tears dripping on her red dress. He was like a little kid, the way he got into bed and held onto Laurel for dear life, like every child held their mother.

It was just us 3, crying and crying and repeated murmurs of ‘it’s not fair’ and an occasional I love you.

—

Laurel cooking only meant one thing, we were fucked.

It’s no secret Susannah’s cooking has always been a fan favorite of ours, and not Laurel’s.

We all gathered around the table and for the first time this summer we felt like family. True and honest family. Me and Belly had changed from our dresses because Susannah didn’t want us to be uncomfortable, but the boys were still in their tuxes.

Everyone’s eyes were littered with dry tears and everybody was also blood shot red in the eyes. I’d never seen Conrad look so tired and broken, it almost makes me feel horrible for crying so hard.

He still looked good though, really good.

“Okay, guys.” Susannah clears her throat before gently pushing out of her seat, getting our attention.

“I.. I think,” Susannah’s eyes wonder to Jeremiah and Conrad before she speaks. Her face is glowing with a smile only Susannah has. It’s for her boys. Conrad and Jeremiah.

Jeremiah was her sunshine boy, the kind’ve boy that still hugged their mother even though they were probably too old for it. He was good to her. Not that Conrad wasn’t, not at all. It was just different. Conrad affection was deep and hidden but Susannah could pull it out of him. He would do anything for her, absolutely anything even if he hated it.

“I think i’m gonna do the trial.” Conrad and Jeremiah’s face lit up in smiles that I had missed dearly and mine wasn’t too far behind. It might have been a long shot, but it was hope. Hope that things could be okay. It’s no secret things would never be the same again, but if we could be okay, that was good enough for me. For all of us.

“It’s gonna work, mom.” Jeremiah says with pleading eyes and my heart can’t help but melt at the sight. He always had so much hope that things would work out, and as much as I wanted to believe him, I knew it all to well. I didn’t wanna think about it, though. Because loosing Susannah would be like loosing my parents all over again, but worse. I know Susannah, more than I ever knew them.

“It doesn’t matter,” Susannah grabs Laurel’s hand and squeezes it tight, “You all ate here. It’s the best thing I could ever ask for.”

And with that, we ate.

For the first time since the news came out, laughter filled this table. It filled our lungs and our hearts and I never missed Jeremiah and Stevens jokes. Conrad even threw one in occasionally.

This was good. We were gonna be okay.

Dinner came and went and it was late by the time we finished, but I was up like a hawk. At 11 o’click the house started winding down and yawns were heard.

I walked into the kitchen to grab my phone, only to see Jeremiah sitting at the counter. I knew I needed to talk to him. It was a long time coming.

“Hey..” I say quietly, but it was loud enough for him to hear me.

He smiles lightheartedly, “Hey.” I did not want to know if he was angry at me still because it would hurt too much. Jeremiah was amazing at holding grudges, which shouldn’t be a compliment but it sure does drive the other person crazy.

“So,” I tap my fingers across the counter in a state of worry, “Are.. we good?”

A sigh comes from his mouth, and I only can hope he’s not up to fight, because I sure as hell aren’t. “Did you know about Susannah’s cancer? Did Conrad tell you?” Those were the last words I expected to come out his mouth.

He was there, when I asked what was going on. How could he assume I knew? Was he that angry about me and Conrad that he would accuse me of hiding it?

“How could you even think that?” There’s no disgust in my voice, just pure sadness. He was bitter, bitter that he didn’t know. Don’t let him get to you.

“You and Conrad kept a lot of secrets, what’s one more?” Unlike me, his voice is laced with disgust and after the night I had tonight, I would be the last to deal with it.

“Right. Glad to know where you stand.” I spin on my heel but before I can reach the door a shriek comes out of Jeremiah’s mouth.

“I liked you, you know.”

I turn around and look at the boy in front of me with a puzzled face. He liked me? Are you serious?

Where was he when I wanted his attention? I remember the nights I would long for Jeremiah, when I believed Conrad didn’t want me. I might have longed for Jeremiah to try and forget about Conrad, but I still longed for him.

“Don’t do that. You like Belly.”

He shakes his head and my heart begins to accelerate.

“I know you used to like me too.” What was he saying? Assuming? This was crazy. Just fucking crazy and my brain can’t handle any more of this. “I know it was one summer. Conrad and you weren’t talking as much because he was busy with football camp. You got crazy jealous of me talking to Belly. I- I never believed I had a chance with you yn, so I never showed that I cared. But I did.”

It’s true. The summer Conrad was going into Sophomore year his dad had him on a constant grind for football. Make no mistake, I missed him like hell but I did gather some sort of feeling for Jeremiah during that time. It lingered, but as soon as Conrad came it was gone.

None of us were perfect. If Belly had some sort of attraction for both of the boys, would it be so crazy to believe I once did too? Not too long ago?

But it’s always been clear as day, who I loved. Love.

I always believed love would be gray with anyone else but Conrad. He made it golden. Shades of gray hidden in the sunset that would only come out for me, along with my feelings for him.

What was I supposed to say? He wasn’t wrong. I did like him a little bit, even at the beginning of this summer. But it was only because I hid my truth about Conrad. I needed to get away from him and shamefully, Jeremiah was right there.

“If I wouldn’t known- I would’ve maybe—”

“Jeremiah, stop.”

His eyes widen and this is the last thing I want. To cause this poor boy any more drama than what’s been produced. His face turns from hopeful and pleading to knowing. All fucking knowing.

“You love him, don’t you?”

My heart beat slows, and I look Jeremiah dead in the eye, making sure he knows the truth. I want him to know so we can get over this because I need Jeremiah, my buddy. Not a lover.

“I think I almost do.” Is all I can manage to say.

Jeremiah says nothing but only nods in response. It’s quiet for a moment before I begin to tread away, only to be stopped again.

“Just tell me this, if I would’ve confessed, would it had changed anything?”

No. It wouldn’t have.

“It’s been a long day, Jeremiah.” I don’t hear a response as I tread up the stairs.

—

My feet tread on the wooden floors, creaking noises coming every now and then. It was late. Half past 12 and like most nights lately, sleep couldn’t consume me like it used to be able to.

Luckily, I wasn’t alone.

Outside my door, I peered through another to see Susannah sat on her bed. She looked sad, so unlike Susannah. Something compelled me to walk in there.

Susannah was sitting on her bed staring up at the ceiling. It was almost weird— seeing her look so solemn. Like she had come to peace with it.

She smiled at me when I walked in and motioned for me to take the spot next to her on the bed. I did.

“Cant sleep?” She whispers.

I shake my head rapidly, because I can’t. I cant sleep knowing a women like Susannah is being put through this. She’s so pure, so pure in a world of evil.

“I don’t mean to bother you.”

“You could never bother me, special girl.” I already feel the tears coming on my face, and one stray tear dripped. I wiped it quickly.

“I’m so sorry, Susannah.” I sit next to her quickly. Her face turns sad and droopy which was the last thing I intended considering this day already didn’t go as planned. I needed to change the mood. “How.. how is Conrad? Is he okay?”

An all knowing smile reaches Susannah’s face, and I already know what’s coming next. “He’s doing okay. I hated him seeing him cry. I always do.”

That was the truth. I hated seeing Conrad cry too. It had only happened a couple of times, and It would always take me 15 minutes or so to recover from it. The way his eyes cried for help and were bloodshot red, almost like he was begging for someone to save him. I had wanted that for years. To save him and to be engulfed in his arms.

“I hate it too.” I whisper and a choked sob comes out of my mouth. Susannah, being Susannah notices right away. Always putting others above herself.

“He’s loved you since he was 10, you know.” Now it was her turn to speak through a yelp and cry. I broke at the sight. Tears were streaming down both of our faces but I was too delirious to care. “He came up to me, called you so pretty at a young age. You’ve always been his weakness, you know that.”

I shrug, “Things got really complicated Susannah, too quick and too fast.”

“Don’t let him push you away. He loves you. He’s in love with you.” Those words spilled all over me like a warm shower. Lathering me in love and affection, all by the man Conrad Fisher.

Susannah holds my arm, rubbing my thumb gently, “Do.. do you love him too?”

I don’t even wait, I just nod. Nod and nod until my head feels like it’s hurting because I do. I really do. He’s everything to me. It’s not often you find your lover and best friend in one.

He really is my everything. My Conrad.

“Yes.”

Susannah pulls me in and now i’m sobbing against her chest. Who cares if the house hears? This women is dying in front of me and i’ll i’ve done this whole summer is be consumed in my own drama. Belly was right, even if we didn’t know it we were selfish.

“I’m so sorry, I was so— selfish.”

I feel Susannah move her head against me. “No, no. This is how I wanted it. I wanted it to be about you girls. And the guys. I wanted all the petty fights and talk about boys because that’s what summer is to you guys. A time to just be.”

She was right. Summer was intertwined with everything good in my life. Conrad, Susannah, Jeremiah, and the rest of my family. From running on the beach at 7 and playing with the football and attempting to crash the boys plans with Belly at night. It was all so good. So right.

Susannah pulls me out of her chest and tucks a hair behind my ear, “Yn. I know this hasn’t always been easy. But your here now, okay? One day, when I’m gone—" I go to fight her but she shakes her head, silencing me. “When i’m gone, it’s up to you and Belly to keep the magic going. If anyone can, it’s you two.”

I hoped and prayed. I really did.

“Your my special girl, yn.”

We hugged for what felt like hours, crying and holding each other. Around 1am, I crept into bed, sobs occasionally catching my lips every now and then. My heavy eyes slowly found it’s way into some sort of sleep.

—

The tide was low in the morning.

I wouldn’t exactly call it sleep, what I got. More like an hour or so of being in this dream state. Where susannah was okay and wasn’t dying and that we would be coming to cousins like normal. Every summer.

He was there. In his suit still looking like a work of art. Straight out of a Taylor Swift love song (wildest dreams, to be exact. I would always rant to Frankie about how that’s his song.)

His hair was sloppy in the wind and his shirt was all wrinkled. That’s the thing about Conrad though. Even in the worst of times, he still looks beautiful. His blue irises don’t shine the same blue that Jeremiah’s does.

Conrad is dark. Dark dark dark and some more. Jeremiah’s blue ocean eyes hold some sense of purity to them. I could even get lost in them. They’re so bright with purpose. When I looked into Conrad’s eyes, the blue was different. So confusing and at times I feel like one day it’ll devour me.

He was a deep guy, Conrad. Something Jeremiah would never be, even if he tried his hardest to mold that personality of his. I could sit for hours and talk about the meaning of life with Conrad and he would sit and stare, maybe adding in his thoughts. Jeremiah would go on his phone within minutes.

It wasn’t a bad thing, that Jeremiah didn’t do that. He wasn’t Conrad, he shouldn’t have to be. But even If I tried to tell him that it would be too late, the complex already set so horribly in. No matter what anyone does it’ll be ingrained in him. I just hoped it wouldn’t consume him.

I plopped down next to him, digging my feet into the sand from how nervous I was. I didn’t know what he was gonna say to me.

There was a small gap between us, one that was definable but not to an extent. Conrad played with his fingers and for a moment it was just pure silence.

I liked the waves. They were calming.

“I can’t believe she said yes.” Conrad words are vibrant, more than they had been this entire summer. His face twisted into a smile and my heart melted at the sight.

I awkwardly look down towards the sand and make a little heart in it. “I mean- it’s all thanks to you. You changed her mind, Conrad.”

He shakes his head, “No, no, it was Jere. Not me.”

I gulp down the words that itch to come out of my throat, so many things I want to say. Where do I start? I’ve been in love with you since I was 10 years old. It’s only been you? Even when my heart tried to make me believe it was Jeremiah or possibly Josh, it was always you. How do I tell him that after everything?”

The silence became noticeable because he twisted his lips like he always does when he feels guilty or is out of words to say, to fill the void.

“I’m sorry for being so shitty, this entire summer.”

“I mean.. you were going through this all alone. I- it couldn’t have been easy..” I try and reason for him because I do feel horrible. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it makes it all just sorta make sense.

“Doesn’t make it right. Not for you, at least.”

His tone conveys something much more intimate than either of us are ready to take on right now. I get up off the sand, Conrad following my actions suit.

“Conrad… you- you really need someone right now and I just.. can’t be the person you fall on. Not after everything.” By everything, the love i’ve held for this boy. All the years and lies and the time we even had sex, it’s all too much. He’s either in or out, I can’t climb over and pull him half way. That’s on him.

“I need you.”

I shake my head again, “No. No more needing.” Want. I want him to want me. He reads my mind before tucking a strand behind my face.

“I want you. You know that.”

“How?” I whisper.

“Because I love you. I’ve been in love with you since I was 12. I- I don’t know when it happened, but one day it just came to me. I can’t shake it since. Maybe it was always there.”

Conrad fucking Fisher, pouring his heart out was not to go unnoticed. Rare were the times he showed emotion, and for anyone to take it to granted was crazy.

“And you think I haven’t?” My whisper is almost like a cry. Hadn’t it been so obvious? I loved this boy with every fiber in my body. My heart called to him. He was better than Noah from the notebook and better than Rhett. He was Conrad.

“I know you have. But I do too, I really do.”

Conrad’s fingers graze my cheek and I look up into his impossibly blue eyes. He flinches a little before moving in closer to me. My eyes linger to his lips and his does the same.

When our lips touch, I could’ve cried from the feeling. It was much different than any other time. It wasn’t needy or so heart gripping I didn’t think I would survive it, it was calm.

His hands cupped my face and we pull away for a brief moment. I don’t miss the smile he gives me before pulling me in for another one. I wrap my arms around his waist and he’s really making all the moves. Eventually I find myself playing with the backs of his hairs.

When we pull away, he still holds me, almost afraid to let go. A small laugh escapes my lips.

“What?” He says so softly yet amused.

“Nothing, I just…” Everything.

“I can’t believe your really here.”

—

Leaving cousins was always the worst. The packing, looking at the house once last time before returning for 9 months. This time as different though.

Fall comes round always too quick for my liking, almost like the seasons trying to rid out memories of summer. But summer was intertwined in all of our memories like a cord. Nothing would sever that.

Steven was an early acceptance into Princeton. After all of his hard work, Steven accomplished his 4 year old dream of walking down the school halls shouting that he got into Princeton.

Belly was doing good. Her grades were always subpar like mine which was something we always bonded about. Always lifting each other up when Steven drowns us with his smart antics.

And me? I’m currently sat in my car parked in the parking lot for Brown.

Conrad told me he’d meet me by these benches that he sent me a picture of, so I guess I would have to gauge off of that.

Once I got out of the car, I grabbed my bag of necessities while closing the door and locking the car. I smiled to myself and for a moment I was lost. Just fucking lost.

I can’t believe you’re really here.

Those words clung with me like the dust hangs to my shirt. That day is forever ingrained in my memory. I’ll never forget that moment, no matter what happens. It was almost like a promise, that this was really the beginning.

I began to walk through the crowd of people, searching aimlessly. I would spot him out in a heartbeat, but there were a shit ton of people.

That’s when I saw him, in this cute little stripped polo top, looks down at his phone. I’m guessing it was to text me but the excitement that fills my body is blocking off all of my conscious.

When he looks up, the biggest fucking smile covers his face. I start walking towards him and drop my bags, running into his arms.

“You’re here.” He mumbles into my shoulder. He was feeling me, I understand why. I had to touch his hairs to make sure he’s real too. But he his.

“Yeah, i’m here.”

Conrad takes my bag like the gentlemen he is, and the whole walk to his room he’s staring at me. I meet his eyes occasionally but look away for the most part.

Once we get to his room, I can’t help but notice how neat his side is compared to his roommates, Trusky. He wasn’t here, but It was obvious to tell who’s sides who.

“I was thinking we could maybe go for lunch or something?” Conrad places my bag down and then kicks his foot lightly against the wood of his desk. He looked like a little kid asking for a cookie.

“Whatever you want.” I say with a innocence to my voice.

Conrad smirks and I shut the door behind us. When I turn around, Conrad wraps his arms around me and spins me around lightly. I can’t help the giggle that emerges.

Conrad throws me on the bed right before laying down next to me. “I missed you so much.”

“Me too.” The glimmer in both of our eyes is something I would carry with me. The hope, the want. I knew this was our start, just the very first page. A sea of blue was conjuring in his eyes, and I was about to be sucked into it.

Instead of going to lunch, me and Conrad lost track of time and talked and kissed and did some more talking. It was refreshing.

“How’s Belly?” Conrad asks me.

I shrug, “She’s good. I mean, we’re good. I think her and Jere have been talking a lot.” Conrad raises his eyebrows and licks his lips. “You know what? I swore I heard them talking when I came over to the house last weekend.”

I smirk, “I think she’s happy.”

“He is too.”

The second me and Conrad got together, I told him about what Jeremiah said to me. He had told me not to worry and that Jeremiah was just being emotional.

But seeing Jeremiah so happy, it makes me happy. Belly, too. I think it warms us all a bit that we can all just, be.

“I talked to your mom the other day.”

A radiant smile, only that he shares for Susannah peaks through cracks of Conrad’s mouth. “Ah, really? What’d she say?”

“Said shes doing good. Also said your a fucking goofball.”

“Fuck you!” Conrad smacks my forehead lightly, always making sure not to legitimately hurt me. I loved that about him. “Hey, I have an idea.”

“What?”

I can’t believe this man.

When Conrad said he knew a place, I didn’t really know what he was talking about. I just went with the flow.

Only Conrad fucking Fisher would take me stargazing. That part of my heart was left for him. Only for him. He places a blanket on the grass and motions me to sit down with him.

It was a deserted little place, 20 minutes away from the campus. It was cozy.

I lay down next to Conrad and a small breeze hits me, making me shiver. Conrad wraps his arms around me almost instinctively, placing a kiss on top of my forehead.

“This is nice.” I breathe out.

“mhm.” Conrad hums and every now and then he places kisses on my cheeks and lips. I don’t stop him.

“I love you.” He mumbles in between kisses and eventually the kisses become more needy, more wanting. I felt the deja vu running through my veins.

Conrad slips a hand under my shirt and I pull away quickly. His face turns a crimson shade of red that even I can see in the night, “Fuck— I’m sorry—”

“No, no.” I place my hands on his shoulder. “I just uh—you’re the only.. my um.”

“Oh.” Conrad nods his head in understanding.

“I just, promise me it won’t be like last time?” Even though i knew this was clearly different, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to forget that night. It’s ingrained in my head, everything. Every move, motion, the way his hands curved my body, everything.

“I promise.” I smile and my hands slip under his shirt, slowly taking it off. His body was good, really good. Conrad always was beautiful but in the night was when I found him most enchanting. The way his jaw was extra defined and how his hair fell down.

Conrad is slow to pull my top off, and he stares at me in the thick of the night. “You’re beautiful.”

“Your stuttering, Fisher, have you lost you’re touch?”

“Oh your in for it now.” Conrad leans down and kisses me neck, inching down to my collar bone and a soft moan escapes my lips.

This was beautiful, he was beautiful.

My childhood best-friend, my Conrad.

I’d love him forever, every single part of him. I’ve laughed, Cried, hell, i’ve done so many things for him. But this is the beginning, I know it is.

I lean down to look at the infinity necklace hanging off of my chest, which Conrad has traced circles around. It’s true, I would go endlessly around those curves for him.

I hit myself thinking about how badly i wanted to forget him, but this summer only made me remember him.

Conrad Fisher.

—

THATS IT YALLLL!! I’m crying rn this story means so much to meeee :)) I can’t say it’s fully over because who knows what the future holds (thanks for the quote belly) But i love you all so much and I hope to have more projects soon! Also love that cheesy ass ending 🫶🏻

tag list: @kkrenae @callsignwidow @drikawinchester @johannelis2302nely @allnrsnz @galaxy13sworld @paytonloiselle @i-think-you-are-gr8 @imaspecialpersonwhoneedshelp @awatt31 @user0440822 @jackierose902109 @chocolatefartstrawberry @whoisjellyellie @apollo3475 @watercolorskyy

(tag list never works ugh)

[moonlight-prose]

Tommy Miller. Please hit me with all the psychoanalyzing/breaking his ass down you've got because you're the queen of writing him imo. I'm ready 🍿

(thank you! 💖)

tommy miller thoughts & musings

note: the queen???? you're so fucking sweet my darling raven. i have been saving this for when the brain rot returns, but i have to be honest - the brain rot for this man never leaves. so here we go!

There's never been a man more devoted to the concept of love - even if it's muddled in his mind. He treasures his family. He'd die for them. That fact remained true the day he turned sixteen and realized how Joel stepped in.

How he helped in making sure the little brother who followed him around everywhere (both in awe and to be a constant annoyance) become the man he was today. Joel Miller. The legend he one day hoped to make proud.

The fact of death - of family and love - hardened in his mind in time with his heart. Something broke the night Sarah died. Fractured his soul at the sight of his big brother - his hero - lying in the blood of his niece, begging for her to live.

The imaginary concept of dying for his family...now suddenly a reality.

Tommy Miller is a man who uses humor to hide the dying light in his brown eyes. He's the first to offer a smile, a helping hand, the promise of hope. Because what little remained in his mind was barely enough for him. Yet he gave it away without question.

The lessons of his big brother live in his mind - a tether to the life he once had. This is his commandment; the rules he's set for himself to keep a piece of the old Tommy alive. Though the world may have gone to shit, he refused to go down with it. Even as Joel and him committed atrocities - destroyed the humanity in their souls - he fought to keep himself in tact.

Tommy Miller is a man who is scared of so much yet keeps it to himself. What's the fucking point of making a spectacle of his fears? Who would care to listen? He'd been on this shattered road for so long he forgot that he was human. That he deserved light and love and a chance to redeem the sins of his past.

He's afraid of dying.

He's reminded of it every day he opens his eyes.

But he won't reveal the real horror that is buried in the depths of his heart. The darkness he hates with a bitterness on his tongue. Oh how he wished he could spit it out like tobacco. Cleanse himself in the River Styx and resurface anew.

Tommy Miller is a man who is is afraid of dying.

Tommy Miller is a man who wants to die.

Tommy Miller...is a man who wants to love and be loved in the horrendous tumultuous landscape of hell he's found himself in.

He cares with his entire body. Loves with every part of his heart and soul. He gives and gives and gives, hoping that it would be enough to suffice for the broken parts of a hollow man. If you look close - inspect the makeup of who he is - you'd see the pain.

You'd catch a glimpse of the mania behind the curtain.

So he offers himself up on a silver platter (everything he believes you want) to deter you from pushing down the wall holding him together. He begs for more, silently fighting against the ache of need that sprouts deep. Yet assures you that he's fine. He's okay.

He's alive.

That's what he wants.

And that would have to be enough; knowing that to ask for more in this world, was to dip himself in the greed he knew couldn't be appeased.

Tommy Miller.

A man who gave the world too much. Yet managed to smile in spite of his grief.

[lethalchiralium]

Hey if you’re taking requests

NSFW (if you’re comfortable with it) & SFW headcons or one shots with ghost about a reader (afab) who wears overexposing clothing. Has a bit of edgy/grunge style that leaves little to the imagination. The prompt could be how ghost feels about the reader’s clothing and how it affects him. The reader has a nice ass too 🫡

Overexposed | Simon “Ghost” Riley Headcanon (18+)

a/n: GRUNGE STYLE??? W A SIDE OF A NICE ASS??? YOUVE WOUNDED ME.

a/n 2: i’m almost done with the next part of no more and we may actually see the second part of you leave me wounded and bleeding? CRAZY. (i am working on my requests, i promise i’m just trying to clean out my writing notes on my phone)

warnings: 18+!! MINORS DNI. Vague descriptions of sexual activity, body worship, simon is a thigh man. and a boob man. and an ass man.

-He spotted you at a bar. A dinky, old bar where uni students come to get pissed. Pretty face with skin showing almost everywhere, he loved the flame designed stockings when his gaze trailed downwards.

-He kept to himself at the bar, casting few glances to your very revealing outfit, and you.

-When you approached him, he was fully expecting you to spit in his face for even glancing at you, but you did the opposite. You sat on the stool next to him and chatted with him for hours, up until the bar kicked you out. (He was too enraptured by you that he forgot to even ask for your number.)

-The next time he saw you, he immediately recognized you by the clunky platform black boots strapped to your feet, fishnets and black skirt leaving barely an inch of imagination since it rode up your fine-looking ass. You were at the bar, leaning onto it as the bartender made you three fingers of whiskey. (It was like you shot him then. He fell in love when he watched you nurse it.)

-It didn’t take him even twenty minutes before you were in his car, pretty little corset ripped to shreds as he plunged into you, mask up on his nose because he needed to make sure you felt his teeth. He needed to make sure that you felt his tongue on your neck, that you felt only his hands on you.

-It didn’t take long for the relationship to establish. He goes fucking batshit crazy the more skin you show, but good Lord, if you’re in that pair of black joggers and oversized Metallica shirt? You’re done. You’re done for the next 48 hours.

-He is the type of man to stare at someone who even gives you any sort of look, whether appreciation for your fashion or disgust, sexual thoughts or confusion - he will stare at them until they walk out the door.

-Will let you dress him up to match you. Granted, it’s still no skin showing that’s not around his eyes - but damn, does he look good next to you. (He says that you show enough skin for the both of you.)

-He genuinely does not care that you like to wear corsets that show off your breasts or mini skirts that show off your ass. (He loves your ass. Uses it as a pillow 99% of the time.) He is the definition of “Wear what you want, I can fight.”

-Wants you to dress up in front of him so he can sit you in front of the floor length mirror and make you watch as he takes it all off. (Sometimes he’ll cut your clothes off with his knife if he knows you’re not attached to the piece. He would never damage any of your favorite clothing, but damn, he’s cut off too many fishnets for you to count and or care.)

-He loves seeing you excited over new band merch or a new belt, lets you talk about all the outfits you want to complete and that you need a new pair of Docs because your old ones got damaged. (He buys you new Docs and does not realize they have to be broken in, feels bad that you get blisters from them.)

-Ghost shops with you. He holds your bags. No, you can’t help him. He’s got it. Quit asking. Yes, you can get that. You will get anything you want, he’ll buy it with no questions in his mind. He wants you happy - and if that means you get a latex skirt that shows a bit of your ass on the bottom, you’re gonna get the best one.

-He has definitely stared down your breasts because of the very low neckline on your shirt. Purposefully gets up close to look down your boobs, or he’ll make sure he sits on the couch while you’re doing something so he can see that perfect ass that he loves.

-If you have tattoos that aren’t covered by your clothing, he will literally have to clench his jaw from going up to you and dragging you to the bathroom of a raggedy bar to fuck you until you see stars. He loves tattoos.

-Agree with me or not, Ghost is not the type of man to go shopping for lingerie with you. He goes out and browses, taking his time before buying a set he really likes and gifting it to you when you get home. As soon as it’s on, he’ll do one of two things. One, he’ll rip it off immediately and have you against the wall, shaking the bones of his home. Two, he’ll sit in that nice chair in your shared bedroom and jack himself off as you admire yourself in the mirror. (You don’t ever leave much to the imagination, but it gets him off knowing that he is the one who gets to see all of you. That he is the one that dressed you in the pretty bodysuit with black spider web print, looking all pretty just for him. He could fuck his fist for hours if you stayed there, hands running up and down your body and eyes staring at him.)

-If you’re wearing one of your shorter skirts, he’ll come up and squeeze your ass. Just for fun.

-Also known to come up and hold your breasts, not even talk to you. The only thing in his head is ‘Boobs.’

-He is a thigh man. I’ll die on this hill. He loves that you show them off, that you’re confident in your fashion and body. He loves that you purposefully put little thigh chains around them - you know that he loves to drag them down with his teeth.

-In conclusion, man is feral for you. Doesn’t matter if you’re almost showing every little bit or covering up completely, he is smitten.

[iamyoursonly]

In another life (04/01/2023)

guys if this is poorly written please don’t come at me… i just wanted to write something during my exam and it turned out to be this and i actually liked it so i had to share the joy >:) so enjoy? Also it’s in his pov ;)

Maybe in another life, we could be together. Because in this, you and I are just friends.

Soulmates, is that what they call people that are destined to be together no matter what? I believed that you and I were. Since our bond were inseparable no matter our distance; no matter when we see each other; no matter who we fall in love with… But then when I finally thought I really had a chance with you, to love you forever and be with you, you fell in love with another man. That man is not good news according to me, but you didn’t listen to me. You married him and moved away, leaving me alone with my poor heart broken — because I fell in love with you.

Heart shattering, cracking and breaking up. You can hear the piece of my heart trying to reconnect with each other but failing, one after another did it continue to crack. Everywhere I see reminded me of you, first it was the good memories, then it was a good old reality check. Sometimes I wish I could just change reality and stop all this nonsense that’s going on, because he didn’t deserve you. You deserved better than him. But guess love really makes people blind.

Why would you leave for another man though? Why did you not listen to me? Thought our promises were real and we’d be ‘for lifers’ forever? Were you lying all along? All the ‘move in together’ and the trips and the gatherings never happened. For what? For you to play with my feelings? I’m pretty sure everyone has noticed by now that I have had feelings for you since eternity.

You invited me to your wedding, in Germany. I took a flight as fast as I could to attend and tears rolled down my eyes when I saw you walk down the aisle. The tears weren’t happy though, they were showing how sad I was that you weren’t mine. But I was so desperate to be yours, to be your groom. Because he doesn’t know you as well as I do, and I’m the one for you! Your soulmate!

Did you not notice every time I stole glances at you back in high school? When you caught me, you’d just smile and continue concentrating in class. I tried to believe that you may be in love with me and all this was just a prank, but you were already a married woman. I miss these moments, our hangouts, our story time, our daily check-in session, our daily bickering and most importantly — you.

Turning back, the time we had together wasn’t a lot, but it warmed up my heart no matter how cold my hands and feet were. Every conversation had engraved into my soul, and each time I remember them, I smile. No matter how old we’re turning separately, my heart was always for you.

I got married at 35, about ten years after you did. Because I tried to move on from you. My wife, she’s a famous runway model, actress and song writer, and makes more money than I could ever make my whole life. Did I win the lottery just because I happened to successfully ask for her hand in marriage? No. I never won. Because the price I’ve always wanted was you.

I invited you to my wedding, it was in Germany just like yours. And you were sitting on the front row with your husband and two of your children — they looked just like you. And you looked beautiful in that formal dress you wore, it really did show off your curves and how beautiful you actually were. You gave me your best blessings and wished us the best, and it took everything to not burst out in tears and put you in my embrace.

“Hey, congratulations on marrying such a successful queen.” You told me. And I could just fake a smile. You, I wanted you instead.

“Thanks! She’s amazing isn’t she.”

“She is!”

I hoped you’d feel a little bit sad about me getting married to another woman that’s not you, but you didn’t look sad at all. Was it because you’re trying to be happy for me? Or was I simply being delusional. I think the possibility of the second option happening is higher…

Sometimes in the depths of my heart, emotions swirl like a tempestuous storm, and tears cascade down my cheeks, their silent rhythm echoing the ache within. It is a bittersweet symphony that plays within me, for while my heart longs to embrace the one I desire, the realization of my own marital commitment casts a shadow upon my dreams. My wife would find me crying in my sleep and try her best to comfort me, I tried to cry it all into her arms but guess the feeling wasn’t the same when you comforted me.

“Love is the most twisted curse of all.” I’d tell all my students, because from my experience. It didn’t really go well. When it does, congratulations, you have won in life. But when it doesn’t, you’d just be forever indulging in this mess.

I wish to hear you calling my name everyday and that you were around me forever. Like when I call out to you, you’d respond immediately. Maybe in my dreams I could close my eyes and start to envision our next life together. Two children, one that resembles me and the other resembles you. And we’re living somewhere far away, so that we can finally enjoy the peace and quietness you liked. You’d call out ‘Satoru, Satoru’ when you needed me, and we could own a farm! Live on the bare necessities but be as happy as we could be. I couldn’t help but hide my smile as I think about this.

As of right now, I wish you were in my embrace instead of this bouquet of white roses. When I put them down on your grave, I could only pray that the next time we get old, we have to do it together. In another life, when I could finally call you my wife.

masterlist

[lexa-griffins]

I was not ready to read about Lilah and Lexa's complicated relationship 😭 I understand why Lilah thinks and behaves the way she does as she constantly compares her two moms and prefers to spend more time with Jenny since she's cooler and less restrictive than Lexa. How many times has Jenny upset Lilah with another broken promise? How does Lexa comfort her sad daughter? Is there an event where Lilah gets an epiphany that Jenny might not be the best mom? I want all of them to have a happy ending

Both kids, but especially Delilah, have Jenny on a pedestal. She's a journalist who's constantly traveling all over the world, she brings them cool gifts and for the one weekend a month she has them she lets them eat and do whatever they want. I mean, what is a boring primary school teacher next to an international journalist, right? The kids just don't realize the reason Jenny can have that life is because she barely has them with her. They dont realize that the reason they went from seeing Jenny every 2 weeks to once a month was because Jenny requested it and not the other way around. But Lexa also knows how much her kids adore Jenny, and they already have her talking shit about Lexa, so Lexa refuses to talk shit about Jenny back. But that also means Lexa is the bad guy when anything happens and Jenny is the savior who can give the kids everything they want as long as she isn't taking care of their daily needs.

Jenny is constantly promising both kids stuff she doesn't keep. And granted, most of the time it's work related stuff she can't refuse but it is still putting her job and her wants in front of the kids and it does break them heart everytime. Alex is used to it, or at least he pretends he is okay with it but Delilah always takes it so hard. She adores her mom. Because she never lived with Jenny full time except when she was a newborn, being with Jenny is always so exciting, its like having a cool aunt who takes ever everywhere.... because thats almost what Jenny is, an aunt that comes around once a month, hell, even aunt Anya sees them more often!

Lexa always does her best to comfort Delilah particularly, who wil cry and sob and slam her bedroom door when she learns they aren't seeing mom this month. More drawings Delilah did for her are added to the pile for next month and she just misses her you know? She tries, she really does. And luckily Delilah tends to be receptive to that comfort, the cuddles and take out dinner, going bowling or to the movies just to get their heads out of it. But then there are those times where Delilah blames it on Lexa. A part of her always blames Lexa every since Jenny told her she wanted to stay together as a family but Lexa asked for the divorce. For Delilah, Lexa broke their family apart before Delilah even got to be a full part of it. Alex gets it so much better. He was small but he remembers the screaming, he remembers Delilah only a few months old crying while Lexa struggled to deal with her and Alex and get the house in order while keeping up with her job. He remembers the look of sadness on Lexa's face that would disappear for a few minutes when she had both her babies in her arms when everything else seemed to be falling apart.

Luckily, when Delilah has the realization that Jenny was rather neglectful during their childhood, Jenny as turned a page and become more involved. And Clarke is the big reason for that. Because she is the one who screams at Jenny with tears in her eyes that she's hurting these precious kids and that Lexa is constantly picking up the pieces when she says she cant see them again and yet she has the time to fly in and try to tell Lexa that she can't date a woman so much younger than her simply because she she says so and use the kids she barely sees as an excuse.

A bit of a spoiler but Lexa and Clarke adopt a kid of about 12 when Alex is in college and Delilah is ending high school. And I think that's when Delilah fully realizes the shit Jenny put her through. Because while Clarke's income surely helps a lot when it comes to the financial burdens Lexa had, Delilah sees Lexa be the mom she always was to her and Alex and realize how much she ignored Lexa's efforts to elevate Jenny's who where barely efforts at all. And how Clarke is nothing like Jenny, how it becomes clear that her mom was never the problem but her other mom was the one who wasn't set to be a parent and instead blamed her short comings on the parent that tried her best for her kids.

Lilah has a talk with Lexa a bit before she leaves for college and apologizes for all but Lexa tells her she has nothing to apologize for. Lexa should have fought agaisnt Jenny harder and while she's glad Clarke made her see how she was treating her kids and her ex, Lexa feels like she should have been the one to have the guts to tell her all of that. But she was tired of constantly fighting and they were divorced and Lexa was scared that now that they were older and asked with who they wanted to be with they would both choose Jenny. Lexa can handle losing everything, but not her kids. They have a good cry about it and whiwl their relationship was so much better now, it really healed some wounds for before :)

[the-princess-of-loki]

Love again

Pairing: Loki x Fem!You

Warnings: none, really. Just fluff and angst if you want. Tell me if I missed something!

A/N: Pic's not mine, I just found it on Pinterest. All credits to the creator!

You have put so much effort into this gala. So many sleepless nights, so much stressing out, so many calls. Everything had to be perfect. And it was. Until you saw him. Loki was standing there, dressed in his all-black Gucci suit, as if nothing has happened. Well, for him, nothing happened. It was you who ended up with your heart broken into a million pieces when he tried to use you as a human shield in his master plan to conquer Earth. He had said so many beautiful words, had made so many promises, just to end up using you when it was most convenient and then throwing you away when he didn’t need you anymore. How could he? How could he be here, in this gala, which was purposefully to raise money for the destruction he caused? How dare he look at you with the same loving green eyes? This time you wouldn’t fall for it. You wouldn’t buy his facade of love. You knew better. You knew he was incapable of loving you. He may love someone else, but not you. That was abundantly clear.

You turned around as fast as your high heels allowed you, only to find yourself trapped in those cold but strong arms of his. You tried to fight him, even when you knew it was futile. Loki was much stronger and more stubborn than you. You looked down at the floor and sighed when a scent of his natural cinnamon aroma invaded your nostrils. Why did he have to be so damn attractive? He passed one of his arms through your waist and his free hand went up to caress your cheek with the most delicate of touches as if he were afraid to break you. Too late for that: he has already wrecked you.

“My love, please do not run away from me,” he whispered almost in your ear since he was so close and you were looking at everywhere but him. However, his sentence enraged you. You looked him in his green eyes, trying your hardest to fight back the tears and don’t make a scene.

“I am not your love and I don’t want to be around you. Now, let me go,” you hissed. He looked like he was truly hurt by your words. 

Do not let him fool you again, you thought while grinding your teeth.

“What have I done to deserve such a treatment from my princess?” You looked at him surprised. Has he lost his memory? What was this game he was playing? Anyway, you knew he was up to no good.

“What have you done, you say? This entire gala is to repair a little of what you destroyed. What’s more, you used me like a pawn in your game of death and horror. Are you seriously asking what have you done?” You were furious but you kept your tone low so nobody but him could hear you. 

“Love, I know I’ve made mistakes, terrible ones. But I wasn’t in my mind. You have to believe me,” He pleaded while looking into your eyes. You rolled your eyes at him.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” You once again tried in vain to put some space between your bodies.

“I have come to repair the damage I have done. You have shown me true love when all I received from others was hate and I am here to fight for that love because it’s mine. As my love is yours,” Loki once again caressed your cheek with his fingertips and you saw sadness in his green eyes.

“Your love was never mine. And my love is not yours anymore,” You lied to him and yourself at the same time. Even though you wanted to believe your words were real, you knew deep down in your heart that they weren’t. “You have nothing to do here, less so with me,” You insisted after you gulped down the lump in your throat.

“You would be right if your words were true. I am the God of Lies, darling, you cannot lie to me,” he grabbed your chin with two of his long fingers. “Look into my eyes, love. Tell me you notice the difference. Do you love me so little that you do not notice it? Please, princess, look into them and tell me what is it that you see,” You couldn’t escape his look even if you wanted to. You felt your knees trying to give up on you as his green eyes made you shiver.

“I-I don’t want to be here with-with you…” You stuttered in vain. Just then, the stroke of the old clock started to sound, signalling that the mid of the night had arrived.

“Look, love, it is midnight. It is the opportunity we need. It signals the start of a new day, and a new day means a new chance. Princess, tell me that your love for me is gone, for real this time, and I will not trouble you anymore.”

You opened your mouth to answer him but no sound came out of it. Why couldn’t you say it? Why couldn’t you tell him that you didn’t want him anymore? Why was it so hard for you to even pronounce a simple word? You were under his spell as you were from the moment you met him. His intense gaze didn’t cease and you started to feel lightheaded just because of it. Everything around you started to blur and the only thing you were able to recognise was the handsome God of Mischief. 

Loki took your silence as your answer and he inched his face closer to you until your lips touched in the most delicate kiss. It was so soft that it seemed like feathers touching your lips and your body warmed because of it. The pressure of his thin lips was so light that you wondered if you were dreaming. You kept your eyes closed even when you didn’t feel his kiss anymore, for fear that you were going to wake up into an empty bed and a pillow full of tears.

“You are my beloved princess. My love belongs to you only as your love belongs to me only.”

“Yes, it does,” You admitted in a whisper.

[prophecyinpink]

The system is fundamentally broken and there is no way to fix it because the wealthy profit from these flaws.

When I was young, my generation was promised that things would get better. That things would change. That everyone could achieve greatness if they just put in enough effort. And so many of us fell for it. It is hard to find someone to hold accountable for this shitshow. The media? Society? Good luck trying to get those to change their ways. The wealthy? Most of them would rather die than give up their wealth for the betterment of others. They'd rather watch a useless number go up. Because once you reach a certain level of wealth there is no realistic way to spend it in a lifetime. So they could just redistribute their wealth. Gove money to the poor. Charity. And I'm not talking about the occasional "oh I donated 100k to disaster relief after an earthquake." While 100k is a lot of money, it pales in comparison to the amount of wealth these people have available. Imagine your neighbour donating 3 cents to the city's infrastructure everytime an accident happens at the crossroads with the broken streetlights. Sure, eventually they might have enough money to fix the issue, but is the neighbour's contribution really what made it happen? It's more of a symbolic thing, especially if that neighbour owns a car repair business qnd actively makes a profit every time an accident occurs.

What am I getting at here? I don't know. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Everywhere I look people praise this forsaken piece of absolute garbage that is the capitalist system and those who speak against it have no power to change it. No, that's not entirely true. The power to change it is there, but as time goes on my hope for a peaceful change slowly rots away. The decaying flesh desperately holding onto the bones and refusing to fall off, because it is the only thing holding them back. And the bones crave violence.

So here we are. Holding onto hope. Because if we don't, we have to admit that violence is the only choice we have left. And that is not an option we want to take. Because to fix the system we'd need cataclysmic changes. And to achieve cataclysmic changes we'd need unprecedented violence. So we wait. And we hope. That some day, somehow, people in power realise this. That they bleed just like everyone else. And when the pot boils over, they will suffer just like everyone else.

[benjaminalphabet]

i’m going to write about you.

i’m gonna write about that first night and the blue water, and the dark sky, and the front seat.

i’m gonna write about how you surprised me, how i really wasn't expecting to have much fun that night, how i thought i had never met anyone like you; but also how i just didn't know what was coming.

i’m gonna write about how back then i was always pretending to be someone else and i think you fell in love with some version of me that was never actually real, and i never had the guts to tell you that you had it wrong.

i’m gonna write about what it felt like the first time i got high next to you in my old car.

someday. i’m gonna write about it all someday.

i'm gonna write about him too.

i'm gonna write about how he lied to me in the same way, and i fell in love with the exact same mirage, and how karma is perfectly organized and balanced.

i'm gonna write about how sometimes it feels a little like the only pieces of him i can still choke up are the remnants of someone that i can barely remember.

i'm gonna write about the way that his eyes felt on my skin; like needles, like static, like every piece of me falling asleep. his stare was like an ache, and i mistook the familiarity of it for home.

i'm gonna write about the house parties, and the empty bottles, and how disgusting it all was, and how i fooled myself into thinking it was fun, over and over again.

i'm thinking about the characters we played, and the lies we all told to each other.

i wonder where the lines start to blur, how much of it was ever real - if any of it was. i'm wondering if you were ever really that person at all, or if i just wanted to let my guard down so badly, to trust both of you in the moment. maybe i just wanted to see some light in you, so i pushed my own into your hands.

you didn’t want it. i guess i can understand that piece of it.

but you could have just given it back to me.

you didn’t have to destroy it.

you didn’t have make it so ugly, you didn't have to turn all those sacred things against me. i know we shared those memories, but i was supposed to be able to keep the part of it that was mine, and now i can't stomach any of it.

you took everything that was ours; but for some reason you left the ringing in my ears. you took the paintings down but left the oil marks on the walls, and i'll never be able to forget what used to be there. you left me with all these disorganized words, but you took the melody. you took the music.

i'll sort through these lines eventually.

i’m gonna write about how you wanted so badly to see someone bleed, even if it was yourself. even if it was me.

i’m gonna write about the sleepless nights i spent cleaning up broken mirrors, building furniture, finishing off bottles, trying to console you, and how none of it added up to anything.

i'm gonna write about the way i cleaned his room, and then yours, and then mine after you left; and how you yelled at me for giving him too much while i was doing your dishes, how you never saw the irony.

i'm gonna write about how you always wanted more.

i'm gonna write about how you stole my most sacred thoughts from me, and then looked me in the eyes and told me no one had ever loved you the way you loved them.

i’m gonna write about how bad i just wanted to understand any part of either of you, how you both told me you loved me, how you both promised me a home, and how you both tried to drown me in the end.

i'm gonna write about the night it was finally all over.

i'm gonna write about how what you did to me, and this anger i'm left with, is still something i cannot understand,

and maybe someday it will make sense.

i think i’ll always wonder why you did that,

why you brought havoc and chaos everywhere you went,

why you somehow made it feel like it was my fault that you were stuck grieving someone i had never even met,

why you had to take everything from me to make up for a hole inside of you that i did not create but could never fill.

i’ll write about it all someday. but for now i think i need to wait for the tide to go out, and the water in my lungs to drain.

i’m still coughing up the remnants of you, even now. i still smell the burn of your cigarettes on my clothes.

i have to wait until i can breathe again before i can write it all down. for now the words just come out in smeared angry black and blue, and the ink looks like bile, and i don't have anything to say but i hate you i hate you i fucking hate you

and how i hate to admit it, but even though i still miss both of you in so many inconsequential ways, no amount of nostalgia will never be enough to forget what you did.

you reminded me of a chaotic and dysfunctional, warm and fuzzy home. you both were perfect blueprints and i'd known you before. i've learned this lesson now for better or for worse, and i think i need to write about that too.

i wanted to write about how good it felt to know you while i did; but the farther away i get, the more i wonder if it really felt the way i thought it did.

i'm gonna write about how i worked so hard to trust you, and how you doused me in perfume and lit me ablaze. you burned everything to the ground while smiling at me with your dark painted lips.

someday. someday i’ll write about it all.

[mistresscitrusslice]

Oh Glory by P!atD as a Jayvik song

I know this song isn't about love or heartbreak, but to me it’s Jayvik.

If you want to skip the chit chat, the lyric breakdown is a couple paragraphs down

I imagine it to be around the early period of being divorced, but just late enough that the initial wrath has passed. The regret is fresh, the powerful yearning is still there and hasn’t dulled, the bitterness hasn’t set in yet. It’s that sweet spot like the middle of a hurricane where it’s just sorrow and no anger except the anger at yourself for letting him slip through your fingers, and just enough hope that he’s still within reach; you just have to stretch that little bit farther.

Of course, the eye of the storm will pass and this brief chance with it. We still need to wait out the latter half of the storm.

"I can only hope it's true enough that every little thing I do for love / Redeems me from the moments I’ve deemed worthy of the worst things that I've done" There's no doubt Jayce feels immense guilt over the innocent people he's killed just by misunderstanding. I think he believes that by making it up to Viktor, he can make things right. That's... definitely misguided, but it's the only way he can go on.

“When I’m missing everyone” This applies not only to Viktor, not only to loved ones dead, but to those alive who no longer speak to Jayce and he misses the days when they didn’t have this rift between them, knowing full well (and regretting full well) that he caused it

"Everything I promised everyone I'd be / Well, I just ain't" It's impossible to live up to the image of the Man or Progress or the Defender of Tomorrow that has been imposed by the citizens of Piltover. Forget that, Jayce isn't even succeeding at living up to the good man he used to be.

“Build myself a wall of unhappy highs / And only my heart knows my head is lying, lying” Jayce can try to convince himself he's better off without his ex-partner, that every scientific breakthrough achieved on his own is another victory over the mad machinist rotting in Zaun. But who will he share a bottle with when he celebrates? Would this discovery have been reached faster with an equal by his side? Will this discovery be utilized to its full potential without a second pair of eyes on it? Is Viktor reaching the exact same breakthrough right this moment, miles below in his lab on Emberflit?

“Oh glory, I think I see you ‘round the bend / And I think I’d try any poison to get there in the end” The glory is Viktor. Because… duh. Viktor and the chance of reconciliation with him, the chance of being together, in a more desperate I’ll-do-anything way rather than a realistic view, reflected in how he’s almost seeing him everywhere he goes, most being false alarms. The good news is, Viktor is probably going through the same stage right now. With that in mind, the rest of the line speaks for itself. (Please just give in and become a cyborg, Jayce. It’d make things a lot easier.)

"When I'm looking past the silken sheets / Take a breath to notice I'm between / Every little piece of threaded memories that constitutes your dreams" No matter who Jayce tries to replace Viktor with, in his lab or in his bed, he just finds himself back in the memories of when they were together. He leaves a trail of broken hearts, including his own. He doesn’t stop, though, because if he does he’ll have to face the truth that no fling and no lab assistant will ever live up Viktor.

I don't have a conclusion paragraph to this. Jayce is sad. The people around him are sad. Viktor pretends he isn't sad because he "excised his emotions" and we aren't going to press him on it when he clearly isn't ready.

[30306-home]

i got these rolls of 8mm film from j.robinson… the second time in ‘21 that, so i typically, i ran into him- no way out… it was okay though bc he was a lot nicer than the first time (which i’m having trouble getting to- and involved news of awful thing hope had done (when i do get there, and i guess thing is kind of a backwards segway, the biggest thing is that i… this really wouldn’t be important unless i had a really good reason to get it out, and embarrassing her or anything like that is the very very very last thing i thing i want to happen- maybe it’s even beyond the point of her name being attached anyway, and more about the repercussions in that have been so massive for me. it’s not something to just adapt to it and time has been everything but helpful. it’s not even a “healing” type thing. it’s like a broken thing that i am left all the little pieces everywhere i look and it’s not a thing i can let get the best of me, like it has- but is positively not sustainable, i’m out of patience, i can’t get too tired or angry or scared or intimidated to give in . i don’t have another plan (in general, it’s not a “plan” bc that implies that “changing” an option. there’s tons and tons of room to move around and have nothing predictable, as a “plan” would). there’s no way i’d let anything so trivial force my life in any direction that takes away that kind of choice, and it never had any business here in the first place.

i was saying, the film strips… i didn’t finish that part, but i started talking for whatever it’s worth.

back to finish that thought:

the, i retrieved 8mm film, i do not have tons of them that are already on reels and at j. rs’s house- he’s not keeping me from them- i’m not keeping him from his baby book, we just never did that part, and, i’m sorta glad bc there’s even been time to really talk about anything, what’s up (no i honestly don’t think either of us can answer that and or are settle with its lingering, complexity of such a multifaceted relationship- one that’s never faced interference like this, others up in it’s business, being taken advantage of- in every way but the best interest of either of us. more later, but it was a success and yes, hope involved herself…as far as she knows and needs to know it was a success. problem is, besides slighting is both (accidentally/unknowingly j.ro, aimed (why?) at me), by the time that was put together, the tributaries have traveled far.

please consider this a very special writing circumstance that isn’t meant to confuse, but will hit a lot of that, move backwards, forwards, skip chapters for the sake of accomplishing what comes up holds promise at it’s own chosen time. it’s the most doable strategy i can come up with, and right now the only thing missing is “doable”. won’t allow details to take over… can quickly turn “undoable”. this is an excessive amount of prefacing- spanning months/years? i will probably repeat myself by you can accept that, too, bad engrish, hopping, etc- okay. and if you can’t that’s okay, too! i’m just getting a bit out of my head and any bit sound reason is all i hope for… anything really, at all, i’ll take teensy teensy. current state- not okay, no reason, nothing more expected. a comfortable believable area that’s life me in the dust. (and i’m SO nervous to sound “oh poor me”- it just is on me or no body. i should never even know of this experience in life, and it was easy breezy for most of my life (the other part that doesn’t seem to fit). good god, the films. short version, this is all my sweet precious GEM of a dad (j’ro and hope can back that, they were both moved by him… best part- my dad is so innocently oblivious to it all). so i’ve surprised him by digitizing (oh the death of me) these here, will be editing for life- like 70 or something, but only a fraction compared to the rest on reels - which he is aware exist. i don’t think he’s ever seen any, but major things like the worlds fair are missing (possibly even some of his dad who died when he was 7). i’m the sole one that somehow wrangled that house of 4 generations, notebooks and book and films (extreme patience things) being the bulk. he’s hesitantly asked me about the others and i’ve hesitantly said in a shaky voice under my breath that “they are safe and sound………… and ummmmmmmmm at j.ro’s house” and “to not worry, i’ll figure it out, i promise, i’ll just figure it out and they’ll be right here”. my dad asks for NOTHING- he needs nothing, he’s happy and healthy and generous to death. he WILL have those films, projector and all. but not not tomorrow- and not until things are like HE, who ADORE’S j. ro, are back to life. we’re not looking at million years beyond tomorrow either. this is on me- and i’m less than harmless, so and junk, shouldn’t be mine to clean up- but i’m happy to for the love of them both. how? i’m trying to get there, it’s just not going to be an easy ride.

i’m sure i’m repeating that there is/always will be a place in my heart and priceless memories with hope- it a situation, and she’s just in it, and although it’s not accessible to me, it didn’t just walk of, you know it in there, too.

there’s anger here, and i feel extremely guilty and conflicted about expressing anything like that about someone with far too much already… and criticism? with love? i’ve had some major blows, that were deliberate decisions. i’ve really tried to find a way for them to make sense… just a little off the rails in traumatic times and a not acceptable normalcy. it’s like i’ve made some 100% unavoidable life altering “mistakes”(?), so i can’t not worry about everything now- how can i know if this won’t result in that? it’s not to cause anyone any harm, just to untangle some damage done on my end- only so i can be just okay… that= okay=amazing in my world now….. oh good lord the world. i will not stop trying to practice-DEETS LATER, BULLET POINTS NOW. i said i will not stop trying… since it can be jumpy maybe i will do scary parts just fast and quickly take and a special occasion ambien night to celebrate. you’re so going to be, what?? after all this i was expecting something GOOD!!!!

[belamcandas]

headcanon 001.

the night that dante and his mom stopped talking had been a busy one, his manager was swearing up and down the house, people calling to see if dante could give a statement. his social media blowing up in his face, people defending them or hoping they'd fall off the face of the planet. in the chaos of it all there was a moment of silence when dante had found samuel in his room building legos, his hands shaking slightly. there were too many people in the house, more than his little brother was comfortable with. dante is a lot of things, but he's loyal to those that he deems worthy, and he'd always put his siblings first. he remembers sitting down across from him, reaching out to grab one of the pieces of the set they've been on and off building for a month now. dante had been so busy being everywhere else that he forgot to be here. "i think i'm going to have to live with my dad and sisters for a bit. until i settle on a place." dante says quietly, he looks at his brother who furrows his brow. his mouth twitches at the side. he was just a kid then, still a kid now in dante's eyes, but he's used to seeing this ugly side to his brother and dante hates that. "i don't want you to go," samuel had said back. "i know," dante never cried but he felt like it. the last time he cried had been when he was a kid. he learned from a young age on how to compartmentalize your emotions in boxes, especially when it came to the press. "mom and i aren't very good for each other." he ran his fingers through his brother's hair like their mum used to do when they were much smaller. "we love each other, but i don't think we can.. i don't think we can coexist in each other's lives like this anymore." he promised that he was still going to see his brother. he still hasn't broken that one yet.