#theyll just have to live in my brain i guess

[randomwriteronline]

I wonder if the toa mata recognized themselves in their own memories from before mata nui.

I dont know, i think theres possibilities to be explored about that. Suddenly remembering yourself and what you find being a complete stranger is a common thing for amnesia plots i guess but also i think this could be even more jarring. Like a more genuine difference between killing machine and living being.

Its less a matter of nature vs nurture and more a matter of nature with a certain type of nurture. Nature dictates they are powerful and driven and well meaning, but the way they are brought up produces completely different people.

Their first taste of life was a sterile room with nobody but each other and a disembodied voice reading out their duties, establishing an arbitrary hierarchy within them, and then sending them to a glorified bootcamp where a ruthless instructor worked on making them into skilled combatants and nothing else, teaching them how to use their elements as tools and weapons without indulging in them; they got a vague sense of what and how a community feels like with the Av-Matoran - as outsiders, as its protective shield, there for them but not with them - only to get that stripped away from them too because their role as life saving tools to be preserved under glass just in case of a crisis was more important.

I wonder if the Toa Mata, the ones who were taken to the Koro of Mata Nui and listened to the Turaga's tales and reprimands and would have moved mountains for the Matoran who treated them like older siblings, return with their minds to things they said or thought or did from before the Island of Mata Nui and stop in their tracks. Whose memory is that, they think? That can't be mine. I am not like that. My siblings are not like that. Some things are perfectly right, they cant deny that; but just as many if not more are so wrong that they almost feel like a really cruel joke somebody planted into their heads.

Kopaka and Tahu got along, even if they dont want to admit it because they need to bicker like children or theyll die, but are more surprised that they werent as tentatively close with anybody else. Lewa remembers so much frustration and tedium and anger that if he stalls in his memories too much he genuinely starts feeling queasy, Pohatu has remnants of bitterness and passive aggression that still cling to him like the smell of a cigarette on someone who gave up smoking, and they both hate that because its nothing like them. Onua and Gali feel like theyre peering into some kind of imperfect clone's brain when they try to remember - its themselves, they know that, it has to be, but there are certain things they know about themelves that are just completely missing and its kind of dizzying to realize that.

Im not even sure they liked each other. They work together because its their destiny, but they don't seem to seek each other out for fun or anything else. In their training days they had to be shoved in each others direction or they would have never solved their obligatory group assignments.

I wonder if their terrors and flaws could partially come from this first life that they had too. Gali's fear of her anger and Lewa's disregard for duty stemming from Hydraxon's methods - she internalized his reprimands about feeling guilt for living enemies, but without any memory of him she believes the words resurfacing in her mind from time to time are her own, and is appalled by their cruelty; he was forbidden from enjoying himself, from indulging in any form of fun, of entertainment, of joy, and unconsciously now he rebels by shirking away from responsability to do whatever he wants.

The responses to Tahu's decision regarding the codrex haunt him, the whole situation, really; how he stripped his siblings of any say on their fate because he was the leader, not even telling them or explaining himself until they had no other choice, and if he could treat them like that once then what would stop him from doing so again and again until he doesnt even think about it? Kopaka is uneasy about it too. He knew the plan and supported Tahu only because he tagged along, but hes very, very acutely aware that he would have been left just as much in the dark as everybody else otherwise, and he would gave not even had anybody to seek any comfort from because hes fairly certain none of the others would have liked him enough to care.

Onua as @cantankerouscanuck pointed out to me mightve taken Hydraxon's teachings to heart, hence why he's so quiet: no use in expressing weakness, right? But karda nui must have been hellish on his senses, with all that light - a tangible physical discomfort that would bleed out into an emotional one as he becomes conscious of how none of his siblings go through this, thus he must be damaged in some way, faulty, out of place, and so he seeks to be alone, digging himself away. And its not hard to imagine how Pohatu (who hasnt had the chance to grow into the affable, kind toa his siblings can always lean on when they need to yet) would become convinced of his uselessness within the team and seethe about it.

They arrive on Mata Nui as broken war machines with no clue who they even are and suddenly find nature and community and love, and in a moment theyre people.

I wonder if the environment helped. Being thrown upon a beach in the open air with nothing but a whole world that is so alien and yet feels so right beckoning them to come closer. Discovering their powers and their domains freely, immediately - first thing they did was dive into their respective elements without a second thought, naturally magnetized, taking after them like it was the simplest thing in the world, because they are the first toa, the first beings capable of harnessing these powers in their whole universe, and its in their nature to be so connected to them. Maybe it helped. Maybe it made them feel connected to their own selves enough to figure themselves out in a way they couldnt have done so before.

Maybe it helped to find out their collective destiny each on their own, in their own environment, at their own pace, surrounded by younger siblings who look at them with awe and curiosity and frustration sometimes, guided by people who know how being alive works with all its good parts and messy bits and who can tell what having so much power means when youre barely aware of how to use it or what to do. And maybe it helped to find out who their siblings were in a similar way, introducing themselves as they wanted, as they felt like, without a specific order, and learning to recognize each other as siblings with all the things that make them insufferable and all the things that make them the best and what makes them happy and what makes them angry and how they sound when theyre worried and how likely they are to chase you down to the other edge of the island for doing something stupid, and like real people they grow and develop and change and stay the same, and then they meet the memory of themselves from before becoming people and its...

Idk. Its like the realization of who they used to be and the distance between themselves and those selves, and the fact that they dont like them.

[turquoisecobalt]

Happy Sabrina Carpenter Short n' Sweet release day! (Note: I live in Australia)

having just finished my first listen (doing second listen as i type this), the songs i added to my likes are Sharpest Tool, Bed Chem, and Lie To Girls! Theyre just the ones I vibed with most musically/lyrically which i'll talk about more in a sec.

wrote a little about each song under the cut <3

Taste made my jaw drop, damn girl youre gonna be tastin me! love it! totally a bop and is probably gonna join my favs after more listens. Love it as the opener.

(love Please Please Please, "beg you dont embarrass me motherfucker" tickles my brain so good)

Good Graces is just an absolute mood, same kinda message as Please Please Please, just be decent and we're chill lmaoo

Sharpest Tool I LOVE how shes uses the same word or sound at the end of a line and then the start of the next (took a left / left me, second guess / guess i'll, wondering if / if that, inbetween the lines / lyin to yourself) it's so satisfying to me, also that "we were going right then you took a left" just hits so good for some reason! overall yes, a definite fav

Coincidence is a bop, just misses out on being a fav cause the topic doesn't resonate with me personally! luckily haven't had this kinda experience, but LOVE the "your car drove itself to her thighs" took me so off guard cause i was expecting bed.

Bed Chem? oh hell yeah. come ride- uh,,,, comradery uhuh. horny bop. love Love LOVE

(Mountain Dew It For Ya :) )

Dumb & Poetic- oh yes go off Sabrina so many good lines in this one "just cause you act like one, dont make you a man" simple and so so true (+"just cause you leave like one" HAH) but "youre so empathetic, you'd make a good wife" is soo funny i love her. also love the slower vibes.

Slim Pickins is too real, why do we settle like this. so entertained by her flipping it to moaning and bitching. instead of bitchin and moanin. makes it stand out without feeling too off, i like it.

Juno is super cute but i'm gonna need people to write those genius annotations so i can really Get It (it's referencing that movie right? I havent seen it). fav line is "i showed my friends and we high-fived, sorry if you feel objectified" also its horny so A+

ok ok ok now LIE TO GIRLS! lyrics hit right out of the gate, and they keep hittin "you dont have to lie to girls, if they like you THEYLL JUST LIE TO THEMSELVES" sabrina stop im sobbing. absolute fav of the album. the buildup at the end. i am in love.

im sorry i couldnt really focus on Don't Smile cause Lie To Girls ruined me uhhhhh. yeah its a good song. im gonna go put Lie To Girls on repeat now

OKAY okay we're done, Mothica's new album also came out but I've gotta sleep that's a tomorrow experience.

[scrapperjoe]

Doesn't making keichos character disabled defeat the original purpose of him?

Yeah this ones a tricky one that's been on my mind. Huge spoilers for talks of abuse and ableism. Keep in mind this likely will not be the best written since its before work and stuff.

Yeah its no doubt that keichos introduction shows him to be verbally abusive towards okuyasu, and holding ableist beliefs at that, which is... Hm, not the best choice for making a disabled character, especially if you consider okuyasu autistic like i do. So why make him disabled?

The original theme of the au was to heal from trauma and abuse, a theme very much in my own life. Id also forgotten "wait cant josuke just heal him" before id put medical research into this so, yeah. Anyways... I thought, "hey, if he wasnt dead, him and okuyasu could willingly work on their relationship together!" Emphasis on willingly. Because keicho has minimal use of his legs and such, in the early days of his recovery he'd have to rely on okuyasu to help take care of him. (By the time keichos finally discharged okuyasus near graduation, don't worry.) The time apart with keicho in the hospital allowed them to rework their relationship in a less heated setting, and having to rely on okuyasu more, someone he once looked down upon, really shifted the dynamic and you can see things are working out more healthily between them while the both of them also seek counselling and had jotaro act as a middle man in the early days of the au. Even when okuyasu becomes a parent, keichos past abuse is NOT swept under the rug because okuyasu has several boundaries set in place such as keicho not being allowed to punish or yell at the kids no matter how fatherly he mat feel towards them. He is still just the uncle, and okuyasu doesn't want them to go through what he did.

And now for what this post is actually supposed to be about! As i mentioned, the aus core theme was different at the very beginning, but does try to tackle many complex themes because i can. And you guessed it, ableism is a hot topic! Ill admit it, i hadnt originally thought of it cause my autism brain thought, "wow, nijimura bros alive!" But as ive done research ive really been cracking down on how to handle this. Ive put in much medical research and what its like to live with what disabilities and conditions he has such as being an amputee, nerve connection issues, chronic pain (i actually live with chronic migraines myself), brain damage, organ transplants, etc...

Making keicho disabled and having josuke heal him was NOT to punish him for his abuse. Not in any way. If anything, it more so puts him in a state where he quite literally cannot run away from his issues and has to actually face them with CHOICE. The spwf faced the nijimuras with whether or not they wanted to stay together or split apart because of their complcated relationship, and they both chose to stay. Anyways... With keichos character who was depicted with low-key ableist veiws, hes undoubtedly going to deal with internalized ableism up the wazu. Im not going to go into way too much detail with that because if you're disabled you know what it's like. But there's a LOT of him trying to overcome it with the years. When they were finally home together for the first time in years keicho finally got to see okuyasus survivors guilt for himself and that was one big hurdle. Keichos self hatred at that time was adding to it and once he saw just how badly it was affecting okuyasu without realizing it, boy that had to freaking change. But every hurdle after that wasn't a hurdle, it was more like climbing steps of a stair.

As we all know, recovery is no straight line. A lot of times people will wish theyll be their former selves, but a lot of times that's an unreasonable desire. Keicho has a hard freaking time accepting that. He keeps pushing himself, wishing his recovery was faster, in turn actually pushing himself back. Over time keicho has to learn his limits which is a very bitter battle. You make advancements but then you go back a bit. With josuke and okuyasu doing so much for the family keicho often feels less than, and like he should be doing more. He pushes himself to do all the chores in the house even if it means puking from his migraines or wearing his stumps to the point the friction in his prosthetics start to bleed. Because we all know keichos as stubborn as a mule. The family is very adamant about getting him to rest, and i know i joke about them having to tape him down to the couch, but this feeling is a very real part of us who live with internalized ableism. Our society is so rooted in production and everything, that it can just be so hard to accept that our brains and bodies are simply incapable of doing certain things... What's more is that with keichos fluctuating condition its hard for him to keep a job. But even when he feels like crap, the family reassures him. Cause when your body won't let you do much more than bring up laundry without being in immense pain, or can hardly let you read for fun because of brain fog, it can be hard.

And because i worked it for josuke only to partially heal keicho because keicho told him specifically not to heal him, keicho obviously has disfiguring burn scars. And with his prosthetics and mobility aids, it goes without saying that he gets nasty looks and people staring at him. Those whispers around him when he goes into public. Those that lead him to often cover up even during summer time, that have the kids have to stand up for themselves and their own family at school because they get picked on because they have a VERY non traditional family. Those stares and comments can make him feel sub human, doctors constantly offering facial reconstruction surgery, and the way people can treat others is just... Appalling. Its taken keicho YEARS to feel comfortable in his own skin. From not getting that jarring feeling every time he looks in the mirror, not having to shower with a shirt on, not wanting to peel his skin off, etc... It was a bitter battle of self love. A bitter battle that sometimes he loses. But when that little hyakuko would play with his missing finger, boy did he feel less like a monster and more like the human that he is... Not to mention body positive josuke always being there to help him out. Since crazy diamond cant heal himself, josuke has lots of scars and stitches on his body from old stand battles and the sutch, and even if his scars arent disfiguring like keichos, they at least make him feel less alone, and okuyasu just being happy he's alive is always something that makes him feel better.

Overall, the au is centered around the theme of overcoming trauma and abuse much like my other works. In this case keicho is overcoming his old self and the abuse hed once done. And as time goes on, he does grow and evolve, becoming at least a somewhat better person and more understanding of others. Himself? Come on, its keicho. But no matter the hardships, when he sees how okuyasu has grown up and the happy family hes been able to have, and let alone keicho be part of it, its made all the hardships worth it. Disabled people are not a tragedy. Stop treating us like it.

[archive940901]

anyway. with you as my witness, you know how people around me are. just. idk. but its just that i either keep quiet abt the pain or get punished. and get punished and get punished i did. how much i wish my brain didnt work the way it did. how much i wish i could see human relationships normally. how much i wish i didnt keep thinking people are out to hurt me for no good reason whatsoever, which i logically acknowledge isnt always the case but the times it DOES and HAS happened.....it reinforces the irrationality anyway. how i badly want a kind hand on my shoulder. or a hug. or to be have a kind touch of some kind. and not. yeah. just smth. how i really really really did try but it will not stop. how i know i would never, as a person who lives here will never get any decent kind of mental healthcare because the minutae of who i am factors into what i will get. which is fuck all. or very little with much difficulty. its been getting worse for a while. which is incredibly ironic considering....a lot. i guess if ppl think im an inconvenience or a pawn then theyll get their wish but id prefer to never be the pawn again.

so that leaves the only other option. yes, there was a tipping point to this but. this is really why.

[onmymasa22]

Is it normal that when a professor asks u on a test u take at 3am what ur opinion is on an artist who made grotesque works, that u think he's ok, but u wouldn't want a huge sculpture of a naked pantsed man made out of faulty bullets in ur living room cuz it just doesn't go with ur color scheme...

Go travel and photograph the world. I dont want to make people envious of my life. I want people to feel like they are loved.

I came across a video of someone making candles. And a rush of memories went through me. I was in the mountains in California the summer after highschool working at a camp. I was running an activity for candle making. And i fell in love with it. The suitcase i brought home probably had 20 long havdalah candles in it. A lifetime supply, in colors like purple, red, yellow, blue. Today i remembered telling a friend all those years ago that honestly all i wanted in life was to live in tzfat, wear those elephant pants, and make candles all day.

Its the one place where its easy to listen to myself. Like everywhere in life, im self concouse. And the things im most self conscious aboit, others love the most. Amd i cant see the beauty in it. But when i paint, i love my own mistakes. I see beauty in the me, just being me. I see what i feel others must see. Because its just me and the painting. Its a very intimate relationship. And every painting serves a different relationship. I just have a love affair with art.

I dont always listen to myself. And most of the time i prefice what i say with "i think...", instead of "i know". But my relationship with art is special. I can listen to myself. I like the mistakes because they're mine, and they are the proof that i tried.

Some conversations are beneath you. When people want to talk about things that

Tal

I think i might have a love affair woth art. I love many things, but sometimes it feels like painting loves me back. It accepts me fully, however i show up. Its a conversation- me and the canvas. it listens to everything i say abd everything i dont say. In a world that makes me constantly second guess myself or ignore me entirely, art lets me go with my intuition. Thats the feel many feel wirh the blank camvas. That theyll be wrong. And soending more time painting, ive learned to trust myself. Ive become more confident. And its the one place i can let myself just be.

Drugs effect fhe brain. So what i would say is- i dont want my kids to do drugs till 25. Wait till thr brain finishes then decide

We all need that friend who makes us soup when we're sick. That when we call and say our nose is like a fountain, she says "I'm making soup, come over", and you sit in her tiny kitchen, with mismatched everything, and talk out all your stress. The friend who, when u say ur stopping by, she puts up the kettle for coffee and has almond milk in the fridge just for you, because she knows you don't do dairy. The friend who is always willing to lend you her clothes or perfume, she just wants to know how your night goes in return. That you come, lay on the carpet in her room, and give her all the juicy details. The friend who plays happy music in the morning, but also will play rock and dance it out with u on her roof at midnight. The friend who lets you hug her for as long as you need. The friend who ends every phone call and meetup with "I love you". May we know her, may we be her.

I might not know ur name. Because i know ur soul, and thats what is important to me. I know whether u like coffee with real milk or fake. I remember what mug u chose s

Know that the mug u choose, is the mug ill remember

Im the kind of person who doesnt remember names. But ill remember ur dreams. Ill remember what ur siblings are up to and ask about them the next time u mention family. Ill remember whether u have coffee with cows milk or almond milk. Or whether u drink coffee or tea. Ill remember which mug u chose so the next time u come ill take a different one and give u that

Rain books museums tea music poetry acedimia letters art sweaters

start singing zemiros, and shalom aleichem gets stuck in ur head?

I want something about esther

Why

I want to do something witn the beacg. Where people can have headphones on and just speak. Like noone else is there with u. I want to be better with hitbonenut and hitbodedut. Just to be in any of these places and then to just go to the next. Places. Every place is just .

When u watch a clip of a movie and it looks like the sweetest romcom... so u look up what its rated and turns out its actually about cannibalism, and wikipedias explanation of the plot is too gory for u, cuz ur the kinda person who covers ur eyes in half of the disney tarzan movie... ALWAYS look up what movies are about, cuz they made a- silence of the lamb-esc movie look like- when harry met sally

cant get through disneys tarzan with the tiger without covering ur eyes

... and ur scared this is gonna be like the night u didnt sleep cuz u saw a documentary on sociopath psychology.

So entering year 4 of art school. And my parents are having the "so whats next for you" convo with me. Cuz ive been bouncing around with stuff just experiencing life. It's been a long chapter of me just going with my gut, and whatever idea hashem puts in my head. Since i got out of highschool, thats how my life has been. And its been great. Im always exactly where im supposed to be. And the "so whats next" is freaking scary. And i always know that my life has a way of working everything out. This past year, i did something ive done and yet never did before. I like old people, like a lot. But more than that, i like dealing with old people who are sick or have special needs. Its a small niche, i know, but its my niche. This past year, every sunday, i taught a cooking class in hebrew with another woman, to adults, between 20 and 90 with mental health issues. People who are on disability due to something issue with mental health or divergence- schizophrenia, bipolar, ocd, adhd depression, tourettes, mental slowness, dementia. And ive fallen inlove with it. I feel like not only has everything worked out, but hashem made everything stepping stones. My whole life has been stepping stones. And i guess its like- what do thise stepping stones look like. Every one is different.

Theres something special about people who let u just be. Where when u come over, they put the kettle up and ask if u want coffee or tea. Who let u just sit cuz u want a break from the world. Where u know that around them, its a safe space. I try to be that kind of person. And in me being that person, my dog comes into the room and i immediately turn on the airconditioning.

[secund4]

a lot of times i feel stupid and ashamed to post. i feel like there’s always an invisible audience on the other side of the post button and clicking it only opens myself up for criticism ( aka being told that nothing i ever do is just good in accordance to my brain ). i know criticism is healthy and necessary, but to someone like me who has felt like they’ve been hunted for sport all their life and is finally taking a decent shot at discovering to be a person and rekindle their interests- it feels like the piercing of a bullet because there it is. there’s the reason i never took an honest shot at anything. amongst an overflowing swirling sea of love and positivity and light i will find the one off colored speckle of sand amongst the rest and my psyche will use that as ammunition to beat me into submission and keep me bored and wishing i could just act. im so deeply ashamed and embarrassed of myself and my thoughts and my body and i was made to be this way. i wasn’t always this way. i used to be so loud. i used to be so happy. i was a fountain of information and words and interests and ambitions. i wanted to be a vet. i loved animals so i wanted to be a doctor for them. ive always devoted my time and attention towards helping and healing. so why is it that i myself am so sick? i feel like a wilted flower in the most literal sense. i feel my brain thump and thud in my skull half the time. my hair falls out in clumps as i run my fingers through it. my stomach is nauseated from the moment i wake up until i sleep. and food sometimes but rarely helps. but i am so hungry. im sitting here even now thinking about this for too long and im talking myself out of expressing myself. don’t make such a fuss. don’t write it out so it doesn’t become real. stop whining, you look stupid. what do you have to be sad for really? i guess i have a lot of reasons, and whenever i tell others theyll tell me they dont even know how im still alive. or they silently nod their heads and rub my back because they have no idea how to respond to most of the shit ive been through. but it still feels.. like artificial pain. i know it was all real, but i feel like an attentionwhore for getting attention about it and liking it. what else could you expect from a neglected abused child ? they want attention. they want love. i want love. i have love. but it never feels like enough. and my hunger for it makes me ashamed. why should i have to hold the burden of not only experiencing how miserable it is to always have a hungry void in your heart, taking and taking and taking and yet never becoming any less ravenous, but also having to deal with the consequences of the responses the people that were supposed to nurture and raise me put on to me? they set me up for failiure from the cery start and here i am. in the trash and desolation that they left me. left alone and confused and vilnerable to look throigh the rubble and try to rebuild what i can, watch the unsalvageable parts of me die, and have to first get myself to a clean slate before i can even start pouring the concrete that will allow the foundation of myself as a human ti stand on stably. im losing my mind. i feel like im falling apart. its not fair. i wish i could live an easy life. this is hard and tiring work and im not sure how ive managed to pull myself by my own hair through the darkest pits of hell just to still be alive today. i want tomorrow to be the end. but i know ot wont be. i know theres going to have to be a lot more tomorrows for it to be the end, and that i have to continue to fight and fight harder through all those days to get to the end. i wish i didnt have to fight for my life just for some peace and comfort and space to be myself. i, as a cuban immigrant, never thought my lofe would get this difficult. but it has proven me wrong time and time again. it Does get worse, and it has. but it also Does get better. i can only hold on, keep tryong, and hope that it starts getting better again soon, and that the outcome will be worth all of this.

i hope we get a cat and a puppy and that i properly learn how to crochet. i want to learn how to skateboard and rollerskate. i want to read more and write more and go to parks to do it. i want to cook meals in my kitchen and get my girlfriend flowers and edibles to surprise her with after work. i want to make friends and build community. i want ti make a difference in my life and the lives of others around me. i want to be seen and known and loved and held as sacred and protected. but i feel like i have been set up with parental controls and now that ive left them i don’t have the passcodes to get in and turn them off. i have so many fake invisible walls and locks in my mind that i give full control to. they do not exist. they are not real. but yet they control me. all i can do is push forward and remember that tomorrow will bring me a whole day closer to my peace. i remember seeing a post on here where someone said they’d bake a pie when everything turned okay for them. im not sure what i’ll do. i suppose i will know the best way to celebrate the end of my long and hard journey once im in the end of it

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i feel like they all hate me that they know what ive done and they hate me for it that theyre judging me for it that theyre going to hate me forever i dont know whats wrong with me i dont know why im like this why i cant change or get better or stop being stupid and horrible its just rhat they wont SHUT UP and leave me alone all i want is to be left alone im sick of everyone why cant everyone just be what i want or just leave me alone forever im suffering forever and always and its all everyone elses fault but its also my fault BUT is it really my fault when i cant control myy mind and feelings they just never stop ive done so much ive tried so fucking hard to get better yet im still stuck in this shitty house surrounded by people that dont even understand me and i have no real friends and i dont get to go anywhere and we are so fucking broke anyway and im sick of all of this i just want to start over again but its not as easy as people make it sound when im STILL ME and we are broke so its not like i can just pack up and drive away cause i cant even drive and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP and i dont take back what i said earlier that i hate that person cause all theyve done is cause me stress and be a judgy fucking bitch but whatever i dont care cause theyll be gone soon who fucking cares theyre gonna move out and finally our basement will be empty of people that i feel like theyre listening to everything even though i know the sound is muffled BUT what if it isnt and they hear ALL OF IT and i know im being paranojd and i know im being violent and horrible and mean and judgy and im being everything i cant fucking stand but i dont know how to change all alone im always alone i just want some fucking therapy or some shit like that i just want someone to reach out to me with their hand fully open asking for me to open up and give them everything i just want to spill out of this cursed box thats called a brain i just want to be free i just want to be happy i just want to be left alone to make art and play games and have friends and not have shitty obligations that dont do anything for anyone anyway and im sick of this shitty mentally ill little brain that does nothing for me except for cause me pain but whatever i just have to live with it

I CANT TAKE BACK WHAT IVE DONE AND THATS FUCKING STUPID BUT WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT!!!!!!!! CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT CARE ABOUT EVERYONE WHO HATES ME OR LEFT ME BEHIND OR WHOEVER JUST NEVER FUCKING CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!!!!!! IT TOTALLY DOESNT FUCKING HURT!!!!!!!!!!! IM NOT SORRY AT ALL THAT SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS OR WHY OR HOW TO STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want to be left alone. i just want to be happy. i just want to be free. i dont have any of that. i cant have any of that. too many people wont just leave me alone. nothing makes me happy anymore except for in small doses that are easily interrupted. i cant drive, i dont have money, i dont have anyone to run off into the world with that knows me and loves me completely despite how messed up i can be. my life is my hell and i am my own satan and yet im a human who was sent to hell at the same time

whatever. nothing even makes sense and i guess im not as far along in recovery as i thought. maybe i should submit myself to a hospital soon like i keep saying i will but never doing. im just scared that its going to be as bad as people always say those places are but ive also heard they can be so helpful and i just dont know what to believe

i wont do anything in the end. ill just sit in this bedroom and rot away probably. whatever. just leave me alone.

[buglaur]

hi last night i spent like an hour recording stuff for the calloways before finishing and realizing that i didn’t record any video, only audio 🧎‍♀️all these videos are blank screens with sims talking

sorry no calloways today because i’m a dumbass. i’m going to have to pretend that day never happened and do it all again tonight 🤦‍♀️

because i’m void of all content to offer please look at this old picture of gael i found in my screenshots folder

[andragoras-in-vanity]

girl help im having ambitions above my pay grade

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[bnerdler]

Too awake to be asleep but too asleep to be awake

[chisatowo]

Hi brain why. Why has Rui been in so many of my dreams lately. I haven't even been thinking abt her too much recently I'm just confused fbdjfcehg

[3liza]

talking about flters and real beauty vs fake beauty and cultural standards etc always makes me think about all the victorian and edwardian novels i read, where the things that people thought about beauty were recorded at length. recently ive been reading a lot of Thomas Hardy (best known for Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure) and there’s so much discussion of the beauty of people, particularly love interests, both men and women. and these writers, and their eras, and the culture of the eras, was of course obsessed with beauty and youth and also artificial beauty (being the eras of the really transformative corsets, not to mention some of the earliest industrialized or modernized beauty products or processes), as all human societies are to a greater or lesser extent in their own ways, but the thing that sticks out to me in reading these books is how beauty is not the singular or even the most important aspect of a person’s overall attraction. if someone has a beautiful face or figure, it is mentioned, but never to the obsessive, fixated extent that physical beauty is isolated from and elevated over all other features in modern american/western culture. there are plenty of protagonists or love interests in these books who are described as not young, or not remarkable, or not pretty, or even ugly or frightening, but nevertheless compellingly sexy and attractive, or simply interesting, or worthy in some way. 

its weird that the cultural consciousness has become seemingly ignorant of non-physical attraction. like that anon that was in my inbox talking about how they were “normal looking’ and therefore “needed” filters in order to “compete” with attractive people. it’s a weirdly mercenary and capitalist view of the social economy, first of all, which absolutely is not zero-sum no matter how badly the social networks want to convince us that it is. but there was never a single mention from that person about their ability to charm or entertain or attract using anything except a fake photo of themselves. wild. im fuckin worried about them! im worried about every young person how has brain worms

when i was about 4 and starting to become aware of how much adults were obsessed with my appearance because i was dainty and blonde and could do a passable shirley temple imitation, my parents gave me a very serious lecture about what physical beauty actually meant: i didn’t work for it (yet, i mean i do a lot of work now as an adult), it was given to me genetically. and someday, maybe sooner or more suddenly than anyone could predict, it would be gone. if accident, illness, or hardship didnt get me, old age eventually would. so with that being a certainty, i had better build a life and a personality on something other than my looks. and i said, ok. every day i get older im more grateful for that advice and the fact i decided to take it to heart instead of trying to gamble on Being Hot for long enough to get job security. which is also a valid career choice but it’s a risky one. always better to have a fallback just in case.

im of an age rn where a lot of women in my peer group are starting to get a very hunted vibe about the impending end of their youth, which is valid. theres nothing foolish about it, its not their fault, theyre not stupid or somehow lacking because this is an issue in their lives. but im noticing that i am significantly less freaked out by, idk, how long ago the 90s were or whatever, because i have been expecting to get old since i was in kindergarten. and i had adults around me who were just like “hey this is what old people look like and what bodies do over time. its not a big deal. everything on tv is fake btw”. i didnt get out unscathed, ive had eating disorders and all sort of weird brain-body problems. 

my advice i guess if i have any is to go outside and really look around you. notice how almost every single woman, and most men, has at least some cellulite, even if its just when theyre sitting down or whatever. notice how everyone has blemishes and zits. most people have some dandruff. if someone is wearing makeup, it’ll be cakey or balled up or smeared or uneven or clumpy even if it’s just a bit. everyone over the age of about 20 will have stretch marks somewhere, even if they aren’t visible except in certain light. i was under the impression i didnt have many until one time seeing a picture of my butt in FULL natural light and finally saw the entire surface of both cheeks was covered in straitions, they just were hard to see most of the time because im the color of drywall and scars tend to be light. it’s really easy to spot hair extensions and wigs and fake nails and fake tans and shapewear once you figure out how to see it. and none of these things take away from someone’s character. 

there’s a strong argument to be made that when corsetry was the norm, no woman was expected to simply be the shape of the corset unless she was actually wearing it. photographs and drawings of women in the 19th and early 20th century were retouched a bit as all photos have been, yes, but they were not retouched to make naked women appear to be corset-shaped. THAT is new. people are now getting surgery to be corset-shaped. and like, i dont think anyone should not be able to look however they want if they want to have that surgery. that is one meaning of cyborg feminism, probably. what i dont want, is for anyone to ever think that’s a normal way to look (except for veryvery tiny mathematical outliers, the Barbie Hips Georg of instagram) WITHOUT surgery or shapewear. which i see a lot now. i saw an instagram fashion designer with a very obviously surgically-altered body answer a question in her inbox about how she maintained her figure with some nonsense about diet and exercise. so now some (probably young) person out there is thinking that if they just do intermittent fasting enough, theyll look like a woman with butt and boob implants, a BBL, fillers, etc. that person probably thinks that if they arent able to diet and exercise good enough, they will fail at looking that way through their own laziness and lack of work ethic or whatever. i see that mindset constantly, especially in young women.

the surgery isnt the issue. the look itself isnt the issue. the filters themselves arent the issue. the issue is that on none of these images, is there an indication of what has been changed or how. the brain damage effect of filters would be lessened, i think, if everyone KNEW which images had been altered and how. so maybe thats the answer? mandatory labeling? i dont know. what’s terrifying is that the average adult human in america cant tell from a glance what has been altered in a photograph, no matter how clumsily, because they simply dont have a template for what a real human looks like anymore. the false images have supplanted the real images, the actual memories of alive humans that you know and have met or lived with. 

if you go into any of the shittier men’s spaces online you will find threads for posting pictures of “beautiful girls”, and it is page after page after page of teenagers in full makeup, hair extensions or wigs, circle lenses, facetuned, bodytuned, surgery, etc, and then hundreds of men yearning and fanning themselves over her “natural beauty”. dont go looking for this stuff, it will permanently fuck you up to know what a basic guy on the bus is thinking about women every day. dont do it

but i also seriously predict a backlash into “natural” looks after this current madness, similarly to how the 1960s saw the rise of the hippie girl with swingin titties, pit hair and no high heels after the consumer beauty madness of the 50s. of course the 60s beauty ideals were in some ways just as fake, but there was some authentic yearning towards a freedom from capitalist bodies as well. so when that happens send me $20: paypal.me/3liza. should be in like the next 4 years or so. thanks

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

[corysmiles]

Some headcanons for stuff that happens after Techno adopts a group of giants as his family!

Also, I see I have been dubbed ❤ anon in the tags. I guess thats what I get for abusing that emoji lmao. I just have so much positive vibes to give!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤

• Phil isnt really their dad, more like that "eldest brother who raises the others" trope. When Techno finds this out, he accidentally becomes the second eldest sibling who the youngers turn to when Wilbur and Tommy find out Techno is older then them. Its usually just played for jokes, but they also just genuinely look up to their tiny brother.

• Phil will 100% let Techno sleep tucked in his wings when he needs extra heat, or just whenever he wants. It makes bird brain very happy when smaller flock is sleeping safely protected by his wings.

• Wilbur being able to phase through walls might be a lot of fun, but because itd make the story boring with how fast Techno would get caught Im gonna say Wilbur cant go invisible like he can in origins lol. But after Techno becomes family, Wilbur will abuse it to poke into Technos spaces that are too small for the giants to get inside.

• Tommy finds out from Techno that he is some famous warrior back home, and came out here because they thought that Giants would be the only thing to finally defeat him. Tommy is so excited and wants to try sparing with Techno. Techno points out the obvious problem, how he can only handle anything the size of or smaller then baby zombies and thats when their mindless monsters, otherwise Tommy can win very quickly with a single hand. So Tommy challenges Techno to find a way he could reasonably take Tommy in a fair fight. By the end of the week, Phil and Wilbur are watching Tommy screaming his head off as he gets pinned to the ground with string and stakes to hold him. Techno is laughing his head off as he sits on Tommys head. Techno can officially say not even a giant 100 times his size can beat the mighty Technoblade.

• When Techno decides to stay there and live in giants land, they build a small extension to the house thats Techno sized so he can still feel normal when hes too overwhelmed by how big the rest of the house is, as well as just give him a space where he can reach every cupboard or drawer or just have a bedroom his size. It connects to the main house, but is raised off the ground to about the giants eye level with a ladder to get outside so debris or snow cant block him in if he needs out from there.

• Techno still returns to where he came from, from time to time so he can compete in fighting competitions and also tell them hes not dead. No one knows hes now living in the giants land, but maybe once or twice someone does try and follow him home to kill him when hes vunerable and probably gets killed by a giant zombie.

• The giant sbi want to follow Techno to see him compete, but also understand why they cant. Tommy tried convincing Techno to have them have a competition over here so they can see, but Techno points out that if giant mobs dont kill them then theyll see the human type giants and possibly try and hurt them. Even if they wont likely succeed, itd be needless slautering of the humans who try.

• Maybe if magic is in this au, Phil or Wilbur could figure out a shrinking potion that theyd just have to take one every few hours while traveling in Technos land so they can pretend to be humans, and inevitable shinanigens where they temporarily loose their supply of potions mid visit happen.

YES YES YES!!!!!!!

And I hope it’s okay that I made you ❤️, it seemed fitting and you deserve all the love :] (and yes I always love shrinking potions)

I assume it would be Tommy who wouldn’t plan for how long the competitions were. He thought he’d packed enough bottles of the shrinking pots, but apparently not. As soon as Techno saw what had happened he rushed Tommy out and away from anyone who would try to kill him. Lucky for them, not many people wanted to mess with THE technoblade and a literal giant.

(I’m kinda taking this from something I did for the little streamer au but ignore that I’m uncreative shhhhhh) Along with having a little room for Techno, the giants put up small boards and ladders all over the walls and the ceiling so he could get around without needing any help. It also made it easier to talk to the giants since he could sit at eye level with them whenever he wanted.

FLOCK INSTINCT MY BELOVED :> What if sometimes Phil just kinda snatches Techno and keeps him in his wings fit long periods of time. And if he can’t find Techno and his flock instincts kick in one of his crows will go find the human and being him back.

Big brother Techno tries to teach Tommy how to fight so he can protect himself. It’s pretty difficult teaching a giant how to spar but Techno does his best. He is the best fighter in the world after all.

After Wilbur laughed at Tommy for getting tied up by Techno, he woke up the next day trapped in ropes. (Tommy thought it was hilarious)

What if Techno accidentally drank some of the shrinking potion and made the giants panic because where did the human go????omg where is he??? oh no, he can get smaller????????????

[actualbird]

Okay before reading this, just in case, wait till 10 or like a decent time. ———— Good? Okay so like the NXX crew, with Animal Crossing (yall were talking about the 2020 hot games so) and like this is the future will it be like VR animal crossing? - Book

hi, Book!!! some things before i get started: 1) i saw this ask at 5am and misread it, 2) bc i saw it at 5am i cant stop myself from answering it at 8am, 3) ive never played New Horizons so this is gonna be VERY off in many places unintentionally and also intentionally, and lastly 4) how did i misread it?

i thought you said "NXX crew as Animal Crossing villagers"

and well, my brain already thought SO MUCH ABOUT THAT so imma go in that direction even if i understand what u really said, SORRY KJBJSDKF

MC is a a rabbit, artem is a bear, vyn is a deer, marius is a cat, and luke is a wolf. they, along with other villagers (celestine the ostrich, kiki the mouse, darius the lion, I COULD GO ON FOREVER), live on STELLIS ISLAND!!! away from the pressures of city life, everybody now has the time to focus on basically everything theyve been putting off, which, for the nxx boys, is basically their METRIC FUCKTON of pining for MC.

//cue animal crossing opening music

i like to imagine the nxx ac au as an idyllic kind of romantic comedy scenario also everybody is animals. theres no player character human but somebody is mayor/museum curator/tom nook/etc. (another chara from tot, not the ingame ac npcs bc im not strong enough to do crossovers omg).

actually kjsbfgjskJBJ WAIT marius still vaguely owns pax here and this whole island is basically a pax development thing and marius very often goes over to mc's house going "isnt this island great? arent i your favooooorite? do you wanna go to the beach because i got great desserts from the city----" and then luke comes over flailing a net around and "accidentally" herding a bunch of wasps towards marius

luke: oops, sorry marius!

marius: //animal crossing language screaming

luke: well, i guess he's busy then. mc, wanna go fruit picking :D

marius: //animal crossing language screaming but PISSED OFF NOW

mc does not want to go fruit picking while marius is running for his life, so mc and luke do save him together and then all three of them go to the beach and then go fruit picking together. all three of them have a great time, but marius and luke wont admit it to the other that they had fun in the other's presence (well, they wont admit it for now, theyll admit it eventually, every au of mine will end in found family whether they LIKE IT OR NOT)

vyn is very often at the island's museum, the nature parts, and whenever mc wants a little bit of a quieter time, all she has to do is go there and theyll both sit down on a bench in the butterfly exhibit and if she has any questions, all she has to do is ask to hear vyn explain in a gentle voice, his fluffy ears twitching (flustered) whenever mc nods or goes "oooh".

if mc wants a more cheeky museum experience, she can go ask marius to come with her and he'll go full art guide mode the entire time. she'll roll her eyes at marius' smugness but also feel her own kind of affectionate smugness when she sees marius' tail sway from side to side, happy and satisfied.

artem is most often found fishing by the rivers and the beach and mc is Very Bad at fishing and cant make much sense of the intricacies of fishing rods or reeling techniques, but artem always assures her that he enjoys being with her nonetheless. his normally stoic, intimidating face always softens whenever she sits down next to him on the shores, his bear nose adorably twitching in restrained happiness.

and luke always seems to be working on something. he and mc hang out a lot, but when they arent, she sees luke going around the island, tail wagging as he collects resources, terraforms land chunks, etc. mc knows that when luke is keeping a secret, he'll almost never tell her, so she starts investigating

mc: do you know what luke is doing?

artem: n....no....i do...not....

mc: youre a terrible liar skjdfsjd. vyn! what's luke doing?

vyn: a passion project of sorts :)

mc: that is an answer that tells me nothing, actually. MARIUS! what is luke up to?

marius: miss :(((( wouldnt you like to ask me what im up to :(((

mc: oh my god you guys

eventually what luke is working on does reach completion, and mc, led by the rest of the boys, is shown to a little secret picnic area in the island, big enough not just for two animals, but five. luke explains that he originally made this place as a gift for her but then //grumbling, luke realized that mc is happiest when theyre all together, so luke made some changes and luke doesnt get to explain past that because mc tackle hugs him in a rabbit hop of gratitude.

mc is so so so happy and the little picnic area becomes a wonderful little area for all of them to go to whenever they want to. there, under the clear skies, mc figures that maybe what they all want can be found in a place like this.