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littlefirefly42 · 2 years

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Love, Maxie

Pairing: Elmax (El x Max)

Summary: When Max's letters stop coming, El realizes she's lost the only person she's ever truly loved

Warnings: Mental Breakdown; Self harm; Su!cide (not graphic); vomiting (not ED related); Hurt no comfort

A/N: I am aware of the irony of finishing a 2000+ word oneshot for myself in less than a week and still not having finished some of y'all's requests. I'm sorry. My only excuse is that I was sad and I needed an outlet. I hope that you enjoy this while you wait I suppose.

~~~

Seven months. That’s how long it had been since Jane Hopper had seen her girlfriend. Trapped in California with not a fraction of a chance that Joyce would let her go back to visit Hawkins, she had been extremely excited when Max had visited the previous June. They had splurged on comics and ice cream, cuddling in El’s bed and reading together. Late at night, they had snuck out the window and onto the roof (with the assistance of El’s powers in Max’s case), and they stared up at the moon and the stars. A strawberry moon, Max had commented once, and El loved her more than she’s ever loved anyone. Now El was sitting alone on the roof, in the same spot, rereading the last letter Max had sent. The date at the top said September 13th, but El had gotten it on November 6th, nearly two months later.

El,

Hey! I miss you so much! I’m glad you’ve been doing well. How did you do on that summer experience essay? I’m sure it was amazing, the draft you sent me was really good. I’m still not in school, but I’m going back in a few days. I’m not really that nervous, but I miss you so much, and I don’t exactly have a crowd of people lined up to be friends with me. Well, I have Lucas. He’s mostly over the breakup and we’ve hung out a few times this summer, so I think we’re cool now. Mike still hates me though, and Dustin just pretends I don’t exist. Steve makes them all play nice because he’s basically my mom at this point, but to be honest I don’t really hang out with any of them very often anymore. Speaking of moms, I think I might tell mine about us, if it’s okay with you. She didn’t seem too shocked when she saw Steve and Eddie together, so maybe she’d be cool? I’m starting to lose sight in my left eye again, so I’ll have another surgery in a few weeks, but apparently it’s a pretty easy one and I’ll just be in and out. Maybe I’ll tell her right before I go under and see what she says after. Also, I’ve been learning how to do wheelies in my wheelchair, I can’t wait to show you the next time I visit. Write back when you can, and tell Joyce and your brothers I said hi!

Love, Maxie

Maxie. It was the nickname El gave Max after they started dating. Less formal than Maxine, more personal than Max, more affectionate than Mad Max. Seeing it scribbled on the worn paper in her girlfriend’s scrawly, messy, beautiful handwriting made El want to sob. She hadn’t heard from Max since she received this letter. She had written back, some giddy lovesick shit about how excited she was and how much she missed her girlfriend, but there was never a reply. She thought it may have gotten lost in the mail, but three letters and two months later it finally sank in: Max wasn’t writing back. Max wasn’t coming to visit. Max didn’t care.

It was a thought El had been stewing in for the past week and a half, and it was breaking her ribs one by one. Sure, she had missed Max before then. There were nights even before the letters stopped coming that she had felt so incredibly lonely without her fiery, sharp-witted girlfriend that she cried for hours and could still taste the sorrow in the back of her throat the next morning. After November 6th, she felt a twinge of loneliness and disappointment whenever she would sort through the mail and hand Will his letter from Mike. She felt hollow waiting like that.

But none of it compared to how she felt now, days after she realized that Max wasn’t busy, and her letter had not been lost in the mail. El just wasn’t worth her time anymore.

That hurt. So goddamn much. The setting sun was clouded over, fracturing and distributing the soft light over the horizon, and a few heavy rain drops fell onto the roof. El refolded the letter along its worn, taped creases. She crawled to the edge of the roof and slipped down into her bedroom window, being careful not to land too loudly. She placed the letter along with the others she had from Max.

“Kids! Dinner!” Joyce yelled from downstairs. Good timing too, because El didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts anymore. But as she was opening her door, something stopped her.

“Coming mom!” Jonathan yelled back. El closed her door and locked it. She didn’t know why, but she felt different. Detached. Her hands shook as she walked back to her desk and picked up the letter.

It made a beautifully violent sound as she tore it. El’s heart pounded, and she grabbed another letter, tearing that one too. Adrenaline seized the girl, grabbing letter after letter and ripping them apart. It was raining harder now, but she didn’t close her window. She couldn’t care less about anything anymore.

“El, come down here!” She heard Joyce call, but the voice hardly registered. She kept tearing apart letters, and when she finished she went to her book shelf and pulled out all her comic books, throwing them on the floor. Several additions of Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Elektra, and dozens more that Max had introduced her too. El fell to the ground and tore those up too, tears beginning to spill down her cheeks. There was a knock at her door, but she was beyond too far gone to hear it. There was nothing outside this room. Nothing but her and the essence of Max in everything.

Max, huddled in the sheets that El threw off her bed.

Max, commenting on the movie and band posters El tore down.

Max, smirking at the flannel that, when El failed to rip with her bare hands, used her powers.

Max, braiding the soft brown hair that El weeded out from its roots.

Max, tracing the veins on the pale wrist that El scratched until it was red and raw, as if she could scrape away the feeling of being loved by someone and then suddenly and inexplicably being abandoned.

Max, who abandoned her.

Things were breaking themselves now, shelves collapsing and lamps shattering, a reflection of the carnage in El’s mind. Someone was pounding on the door. Someone else was yelling. But El was unreachable, buried beneath layers of anger and betrayal, everything else was muffled and far away.

Thunder growled lowly outside the open window, and El found herself crawling beneath it. The cold water puddled on the floor shocked her nerves and unearthed a sorrow beneath the fury that El had been ignoring for a long time. She held herself, fingernails digging into her biceps, rain showering down on her, and drowned in the agony that was losing the one person you trusted to never leave. She may have screamed, but she didn’t hear herself. When Jonathan broke the door down with a crowbar, she didn’t flinch.

~~~

The next day, El still refused to speak. Still refused to talk about what happened, despite the best efforts of her family. Joyce had insisted she stay home from school, so she sat at the dining room table and stared through her lunch. Who knew pb&j could be so goddamn patronizing.

She heard the motor of a truck pulling into the driveway, but she didn’t pay it any mind until Joyce shouted something from her office. Reluctantly, she pulled herself away from one dimly lit room down the hallway to another, leaning silently on the doorway of Joyce’s office.

Joyce was holding a phone with one hand and scribbling aggressively in a notepad with the other, but she shifted the phone to her shoulder when she saw El.

“Honey, would you get the mail please?” She stage-whispered. “I’m waiting on a package and I think it just got delivered.”

El nodded. When she opened the front door there was nothing on the doormat, so she walked down the driveway to the mailbox. It was a cloudless day, and the blinding sun after the previous night’s storm made the air muggy and humid. There were several letters in the mailbox, as well as a newspaper and a folded yellow paper package. She pulled everything out and brought it back inside, tossing the letters and paper carelessly onto the kitchen counter and taking the package to Joyce.

“Thanks El.” She said, then added “No bills or anything?”

El responded with a simple shrug and walked away before Joyce could add anything more to the skeleton of a conversation. When she returned to the kitchen she began sifting through the letters for anything important, needing something to occupy herself with, to save her from her thoughts. She found nothing notable, two bills, a check, some ads, and- El paused. A stuffed brown envelope from Hawkins, Indiana. At first she dismissed it, with a twinge of heartache, as another letter for Will; But the return address caught her eye. It was Max’s. Suddenly, the walls of the house felt very claustrophobic. El’s heartbeat quickened and dread rooted itself deep in her chest as she slid to the ground. Slowly, with sweaty, shaking hands, she tore the seal and pulled out the first of three papers. It was written on flowery stationary, a cruel beauty to accent the pure repulsiveness of its content.

Dear Ms. Byers,

I hope you and your family are doing well. I heard that Jonathon got his acceptance letter, send him my congrats. I am writing to share some rather distressing information with you. You must excuse the tardiness of this letter, I have been grieving and could not bring myself to write it. However, I feel that it is my moral duty, and my duty as a mother, to inform you that your daughter, Jane, is a homosexual.

El felt her chest tighten. Joyce had known about her and Max for months and didn’t seem to have an issue with the relationship, but from the tone of the letter it was obvious Ms. Mayfield didn’t feel the same. She took a deep breath, letting the fact sink in, before continuing to read.

I’m ashamed to admit that I have known for quite awhile, and only now have I had the strength to tell you. You may remember my daughter, Maxine, who came to visit you in the summer. Maxine was sick as well, and I recommend you immediately seek therapy for Jane. The two were involved in a romantic relationship, the likes of which drove my daughter to suicide several months ago.

Something stopped inside of El. She reread the last sentence three more times, looked away, blinked, and then read it again. But no matter how much she wanted to pretend she was hallucinating, the word was still there and glaring. Suicide.

I know this kind of thing is hard to hear, and you may want to deny it, but from one mother to another I think the best thing for Jane is to accept it and get her professional help. I have photocopied Max’s suicide note and enclosed it with this letter, so that you may understand the severity of the situation. Please address it immediately, before we lose another child.

My best regards to you,

Susan Mayfield

El finished reading the letter and tossed it aside numbly. She pulled out the second paper, an obituary with a picture of a grinning little kid in a yellow bathing suit, missing most of her teeth, ginger hair tangled and wet. El didn’t even bother reading it. She dropped it onto the letter from Max’s mom and pulled out the last paper. It was a slightly crooked photocopy of a lined piece of paper.

El,

I am so sorry. I know my mother will read this first, but I couldn’t care less. You should know I lied to you in my letters. I don’t speak or eat a lot anymore and I don’t leave my room most days. I miss you so much. I don’t have anyone anymore, and all the time I’m just alone with my shitty mind. After you left Hawkins the first time I thought I would be okay, and I was for a while. At least, I was better than I am now. Then you came back and I didn’t even care that the world was ending because I was with you again. And that day in the hospital, when you told me you loved me, I think it was the best moment of my life. I was so ready to give up El, but being with you saved me. When you went back to Cali I didn’t feel that same emptiness as the first time. I missed you so goddamn much, but with the letters and the visit in the summer I felt like I always had something to look forward to, and that something was always you. Nothing else, no one else. Just you. And then it all went to shit again. The guys stuck around a little after everything went down, but eventually they all kind of stopped talking to me. Steve still drives me places and scolds me for not taking my meds and all that, but we’re not really friends you know? Plus, I used to just get ignored at school, but the wheelchair has been an asshole magnet and it’s getting a little intolerable. Anyway, it doesn’t matter really. The point is I just kept feeling worse all the time. And I love you, and for a while that was enough, but eventually it just hurt more, feeling like a shell of myself until the next time I heard from you. I told my mom about us like I said I would, and she broke down and said I needed help and I couldn’t keep writing to you. She’s trying to get me sent to some clinic now, and I just can’t do it anymore. Without you, I’ve got no one. So I’m sorry, really really sorry, that I couldn’t be strong enough for you, because you sure as hell were for me and now I’m leaving you but if there’s a god he knows I don’t have a choice. I love you El, I hope you live the best goddamn life.

Love, Maxie

El’s hands shook as she placed the photocopy gently on top of the other papers. Her heart kept pounding faster and faster, and it made her chest ache. Everything was too large and too close, and yet there was a strange numbness to the overwhelming feeling, like a fight-or-flight response, a reflex. Her body was acting on its own, and her mind was somewhere else. Somewhere far, far away. She lifted herself from the ground, heart still pounding, and made her way dizzily up to her room, leaving the two letters and her girlfriend’s obituary on the kitchen floor. El's room was in the same chaotic disarray it was the previous night, and still she looked around and saw nothing but Max. Everything she had destroyed in her blind rage was Max. And Max was dead. And everything was gone. And El fell down to her knees and threw up, then cried on the hardwood floor for a long time.

#stranger things #elmax stranger things #elmax #el stranger things #el hopper #jane hopper #max mayfield #maxine mayfield #el x max #max x el #hurt no comfort #angst #like a lot of angst #tw for shitty writing

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littlemissvincentvega · 2 years

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Hey I just wanted to tell you I love your blog so much and I wanted to know if you’re still writing fics/hcs and If you still are can I request headcanons for what the Pulp Fiction crew would be like in high school. Thanks so much xx.

i have literally no clue when this request was sent but i saw it half-finished in my drafts and finished it just now! so thanks for the request bc this was actually really fun and interesting to think about. and i haven't posted anything in a while so i hope y'all enjoy 🥰

what the pulp fiction crew was like in high school!

vincent:

thought he was cool but really wasn't

didn't have much luck with the ladies

probably had a stupid haircut

very rarely got good grades, not because he's dumb but mostly because he really didn't care

got boners over everything

definitely had a crush on one of his teachers and because of this, tried harder in their class

bad at spelling

i feel like he'd be shy at school too. like he wouldn't be disruptive or anything he just mostly kept to himself and mostly people didn't wanna be friends with him

if he got picked on enough he wouldn't say no to a fight

hid in the bathroom so he could smoke

jules:

he was popular at school i feel like

all-rounder. he did well at most things, got along with teachers and made people laugh

not a class clown but was really funny

got away with swearing in class bc all the teachers were fond of him and bc he was respectful of them

the type to break up a fight

took girls on dates to the drive in movie theatres

his mom raised him to respect women too and so he always picked them up and dropped them back home at sensible times

we all wish we were jules in high school basically

mia

honestly mia was kind of eccentric at school. not very popular but not a complete outcast either

a little bit alternative

was friends with guys and girls, she didn't care for bitchy drama

could be loud and misbehave but that was mostly if she was with those types of people. like she got dragged into it and influenced easily

but on her own she was pretty shy and respectful, rarely got in trouble then

got picked on a little by more popular kids

struggled with her mental health at times

but really the teachers did like her, she was usually described by them as a 'sweet girl'

marcellus

you'd think he would be the type that nobody would dare mess with, but my hc is different

i think marcellus was picked on. maybe he was a little chubbier back in high school and people saw this as a reason to bully him

probably why he ended up being a gangster. nobody could do that to him again and the people he worked with he could look after, which he did

i also think he was very intelligent. not straight As by any means, but he did very well and the teachers liked him

probably had one or two close friends, despite being a target for the popular kids

overall he was really happy to graduate and was really proud of himself for getting through it

lance

complete pothead but are we surprised

used to deal in the school bathrooms, also he would smoke in the cubicles

he was actually respectful to teachers though

kinda dumb i feel, like he struggled to concentrate and understand everything. maybe he just found it all boring

hated doing essays

i'd say he would bunk off on the regular too

lance was always invited to house parties because who wouldn't wanna party with this guy. he supplies the goods anyway, so whether or not the host likes him you can guarantee he'll be there

natural comedian although sometimes people are just laughing at him. he doesn't mind for the most part

high school was basically just one long party for him and he looks back fondly on it

#pulp fiction #pulp fiction hc #pulp fiction headcanons #tarantino hc #tarantino headcanons #vincent vega #jules winnfield #mia wallace #marcellus wallace

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sukibenders · 1 year

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Not only you need to shut the fuck up about Kate Sharma, you need to shut the fuck up about Anthony Bridgerton too. Imagine not wanting to be called out when you pollute their tags with posts and reblogs spewing hate on them. You're so fucking jealous Kate got to be a Viscountess and her sister ended up being a plot device even with the efforts by production to make her more important than Kate. Imagine being so fucking jealous to the point of hoping for an Edwina spin off when they should remake season two to give Kate the importance she deserves since you know, her sister got to be a bride, her sister got to have a centric episode about her, Kate didn't even have a fucking poster alone or alone with Anthony and people want to see a Edwina spin off even if season two was basically Edwina's show. Fucking shame on you.

Also readinng your hate posts about Kate, when the fuck did Mary ever show she cared about Kate? I can't fucking believe you said she was right when she didn't stop and listened to Kate after the dinner and that it was simply sad that Kate was alone in a closet and Mary had to stay with Edwina. How fucking hateful. Not surprising at all since you think caring for Kate is summarized by Mary brushing her arm a couple of times and giving her that gaslighting speech about forgivness as soon as she woke up from the coma. LEAVE KATE SHARMA OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Also since you like to call people blind and liars, your tags about Edwina and Mary are, surprise surprise, devoid of any criticism. You don't fucking fool me.

Darn, you really made this whole essay in my inbox when you could have just blocked me and moved on, that's sad. Imagine saying you like Kate, but then acting like Anthony didn't deserve some smoke too for how he treated her. He constantly humiliated her in front of others, called her the bane of his existence, a thorn easily removed, blamed her for so many things (during moments where she was already highly emotional), and kept advancing her even when she wanted him to stop but just because he said some romantic lines you all go "oh, he'd perfect". Shut the fuck up. I enjoy Kathony, but there is a lot that Anthony needs to make up for, so maybe instead of coming to my inbox with your underwear in a twist, you can kindly mind your business. Not that hard. And what are you going to do? Considering you couldn't even recognize Anthony doing Kate dirty, not much. And it isn't even me "not wanting to be called out" as you said (not my fault you all blow things out of proportion and act like any criticism towards your fictional character is me coming after your family), it's about yall lack any decency whatsoever and it shows. To be honest, I could care less because it lets me see how some of y'all are, like yes, let those true colors show. Like even if I knew who you were, you know if you weren't using anonymous, I'd still be better than you and not come into your inbox the way you did to me. I'd simply block you, easy as that.

You being mad about Edwina having a wedding and putting that on me is lazy, especially when, if you read my post, you'd know that I wanted more scenes with Kate, her family, and Anthony and wished certain side plots had been scapped for it. You being mad at Edwina fans when you could've just put your anger towards the show itself, but I guess that took much effort. And even with Edwina getting all the things you said (why can't another woc also share happy moments?) they weren't even good for her, so yeah most Edwina fans aren't even happy about that. That seems more like a show issue for you to complain about instead of you bohooig about it in someone's inbox.

And you're so wrapped up in your Edwina hate that you forgot about the actual posters, because there were ones of not only Kathony, but Kate by herself so maybe look it up first, not that hard. From what it looks like, Edwina is the one who doesn't have a solo poster of her own nor with her and Anthony by themselves. But you don't see me complaining about it in your inbox, do you? You under the pretense of Edwina taking all the fame in the show (never mind the problems with putting two of the only few woc on the show against one another in this way) when, if she was, wouldn't she have the same amount of posters as Kate, or more? And I can want an Edwina spin off because the show itself hardly gave us anything with her character, and simply because I want too. I also want a Marina spin off too, but don't think that'll happen, shame really. The show hardly gave much of anything for any of the Sharmas, which I talked about but you're too pressed to see apparently, but gives more plot to their white counterparts. Not that hard to see the problem with that rather than coming into my inbox being ignorant as hell.

And Mary did show that she cared for Kate, you all are just busy with your heads up your butt and wanting to paint her as some evil stepmother. Like you and others like you always do the most whenever someone says they want the Sharmas to be a happy family, when you quite literally just have to block people and move on, like you all make this more tiring on yourselves. You'll villainize a brown woman showing a moment of an emotion other than joy or happiness, and run with it. And not you acting like you actually care about Kate in that moment but then go and pretend, a few words ago, that Anthony didn't do anything to her that needs to be addressed. You know damn well that if someone had courted Anthony's sisters the way he did Kate, he'd duel them at dawn. He literally has tried for something even less than what he's done. But sure, it's Mary who is the problem.

And of course you're going to stalk my account, with nothing better to do, and then act as if the criticism isn't there for other Bridgerton characters. Coming from someone who ignores Anthony's actions and paints Mary as the villain, I'm not all that surprised that you can't read any of the context on my post correctly because I have, not only, criticized Mary and Edwina but wasn't even that harsh about Kate as you believe, you all just can't help but blow things out proportion. Not my problem.

So, how about you go somewhere and get off your high horse thinking you get to tell me or anyone else what to do for that matter. Watch your fucking mouth and just block me, because you're turning yourself out given the fact that you can't read my post properly or are just so warranted on hating Mary and Edwina that anyone who likes them pisses you off (not my problem, still).

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whyareyouhere66 · 2 years

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Haikyuu Characters as Quotes From My Life

S O

Basically, this chapter is just some of the Haikyuu characters as quotes that me, my friends, and even some of my classmates have said. Yeah, it's simple as that. They don't really make sense *the quotes*, even with context so yeah lol.

----

-*-* "Christian Grey may be 50 shades of fucked up- but I'm 50 shades of 'I'm gonna whoop your ass" -Kuroo

-*- *"I think I have a crush on Pennywise." -Tanaka

-*-* "If only men had brains and balls, at the same time." -Kiyoko

-*-* "No Im not gonna eat my cat, I'm not a cannibal." -Nishinoya

-*-* " I look like a warthog and have the personality of a she-devil." -Yamamoto

-*-* "See, I told you Megan, my boobs are getting bigger." -Asahi

-*-* "Do you have gum in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?....I think you're excited to see me." -Oikawa *to Iwaizumi, most likely*

-*-* "Tell me a good song- and we're not listening to the trolls soundtrack." -Ushijima *talking to Tendou*

-*-* "If I write my essay about Fortnite and global warming what will I get?" -Bokuto

-*-* "I once had a guy walk up to me at target and he was like 'wanna buy some ball wash?'" -Terushima

-*-* "Ryan Reynolds is hot." -Ennoshita

-*-* "Jeff Bezos would be a great drug dealer." -Kenma

-*-* "Ugh that's nasty....gonna give us fricking herpes..." -Akaashi

-*-* "HE HAD TWO GLIZZIES" -Bokuto

-*-* "It looks like pennywise could crawl out of that things butthole." -Hinata

-*-* "I just got winky faced by Kahoot." -Tsukishima

-*-* "I'm gonna get fax paper, and make cards that say "we give free bj's" and tape it on peoples doors." -Kuroo

-*-* "If I have to listen to another minute of JoJo Siwa I will lose my mind." -Daichi

-*-* "YOU CLOSED MY DUOLINGO TAB?!" -Nishinoya

-*-* "Can any orgasms so photosynthesis...?" -Kageyama

-*-* "My shoulder is no longer a virgin." -Yamaguchi

-*-* "Don't change, we hate you just the way you are." -Iwaizumi

-*-* "Mom can you leave so I can curse at my friends?" -Sugawara *talking to Ukai*

-*-* "We thought there was cum in the bathroom." -Tanaka

-*-* "I don't like purple, I like ducks" -Hinata

-*-* "The bible is not smut, bitch." -Kenma (I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive-)

-*-* "Mort I cannot 'move it move it' anymore" -Yamomoto

-*-* "They kill pears- that's why it's so sad. But pineapples stay alive, pears just- die!!" -Bokuto

-*-* "Not gonna lie man but your toes are...dry." -Tanaka

-*-* "That's like going up to a police officer holding up a bag and going, "hey can you step outside for a minute, go down and get some coffee, I should be done in about 15 minutes?" -Kindaichi

-*-* "I swear to god I will turn this- this navy blue van around!!" -Daichi/Ukai

-*-* "Nah he's got little-man-itis." Tsukishima *talking about Hinata, ofc*

-*-* "Don't we have a leader in the real world?" *Bokuto, continue to next quote *

-*-* "Yeah we've got Michael Jackson." -Kuroo *that one was a 2-parter haha*

-*-* "YOU'LL BELIEVE GOD IS A WOMENNNN- is that vodka??" -Nishinoya

-*-* "It's probably like, burnt fire or something." -Oikawa

-*-* "Why do you not like shirtless men." -Tanaka

-*-* "I'm gonna start a petition to make Boston a continent....or maybe New Jersey." -Hinata

-*-* "We've known eachother since the 1800's- we went to Travis Scott concerts with George Washington." -Tanaka *talking abt Yamamoto*

-*-* "Dame cabeza" -Tanaka

-*-* "No one likes Jacobs, Jacobs are ugly and raspy." -Tsukishima

K great, so anyways-

Idk that's all I got rn, y'all got a free glimpse of my strange friends and even stranger school. Hope you enjoyed and adios

edit: holy shit this blew up a lot faster than I expected- thanks so much y’all

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #bokuto koutarou #tsukishima kei #kuroo tetsuro x you #akaashi keji #hinata shōyō #nishinoya yu #tanaka ryuunosuke #daichi sawamura #sugawara koushi #kageyama hikaru #oikawa tōru #ushijima #tendou satori

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thewistlingbadger · 3 years

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The flash (cw) is queer.

I made an essay about the monsters inc franchise being gay and i really enjoyed doing that so as i was watching season 7 of the flash, I've decided shit's kinda queer. Minor spoilers for the show. I won't really go into detail about the plot and character arch's I'm just going off of their energy :)))

Let's start with Frost

Frost is a lesbian. 1, she definitely has the most style out of everyone. You see those bracelets?? She's constantly wearing a bunch of a necklaces and rings... Her hair is sliver and she's constantly got makeup on y'all. She's sarcastic, very much dry humor. Hell, even her hero outfit consists of leather. SHE DOES ART! She didn't want to share bodies with Caitlyn after they split, WHY? BECAUSE SHE KNEW CAITLYN WASN'T GONNA BE OK WITH HER GETTING IT ON BC THEY SHARE A BODY AND CAITLYN'S NOT REALLY DOWN WITH THAT! Not to mention that she chose her own name...trans femme vibes AND the fact that she's always been a part of Caitlyn and she had to hide her experience for literal decades. 💅

Moving on to the next lesbian, Allegra

A jacket wearer, like frost, she's also sarcastic and another thing that she has in common with Frost is that she was introduced as a villain then eased to anti hero then just normal hero. She had a hard time with her powers. She probably uses she/they pronouns. Also just her relationship with nash was like Jim Hawkins and silver from treasure planet.

Nora West-Allen!

Is a bisexual. She's a speedster like her dad but her color is PURPLE??? and as we all know, purple is the queerest color out there! Purple is in a lot of pride flags, including the bi flag. She's got leather, she's got the bob, she's even got the mommy issues! Does it get more queer than that? And if i remember correctly, she has a female roommate? AND THEY WERE ROOMMATE'S????

Jesse Quick

Lesbian.

Wally West

His actor is queer and that's enough for me. Pretty sure he had daddy issues, his color is yellow and what flags have yellow? THE PANSEXUAL AND NONBINARY FLAG! I REST MY CASE! Also, he was besties with Jesse you gotta love that queer solidarity

Ralph Dibny

What??? A tall quirky white man??? Yeah big shocker he's a whole ass fruit roll up HE'S THE ELONGATED MAN! HIS POWER WAS LITERALLY THE ABILITY TO STRETCH! He got along well with basically everyone and he loves a good mystery

Cisco Ramon

Now, based off the picture alone, i don't need to explain myself. But i will. He's smart, he's funny, he's geeky, everything you could hope for in your local gay man. He's also got style, and some trust issues. Over the course of the show, he's had like 2 girlfriends but one of them was DEFINITELY pegging him plus it was low-key toxic and his current gf is super nice and wholesome, but also gives off sapphic vibes. Speaking of vibes, his superhero name is literally vibe. What's gayer than that. And god his hair!? It's looked so good after all these years. Plus, his friendship with chester p runk?? They're more than friends for sure

Iris west

GIRLBOSS! She started her own new report thing idk what the proper term is. She's a badass, she quite simply too fine to be cishet. Her outfits are ALWAYS on point she's CONSTANTLY wearing trench coats and every other season she cuts off all her hair which is just, super queer. If you look up pictures of her her fucking STANCE. girl please she's a queer icon

Barry Allen

I don't know what it is about him, but asexual. Maybe aro. Because he's only ever shown interest in iris and they've been best friends since childhood (which is gay in itself) but also she's just like one of those people were you're like "if i can make it work i can totally make it work with her"

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toisiit · 3 years

Text

throne and paradise endings, answering questions from inbox, my goodbye :)

it's been a year since i stopped writing throne and paradise, and all copies (save for ao3 which has been orphaned) have been taken down, so i've come alive here just to give you lovelies one last thing:

throne: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23801650?view_full_work=true

paradise: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23802184?view_full_work=true

final chapters: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qVmqPV7zzQUNFTCzM9-AeA_hpRVex0CwxDKyFhAD2C0/edit?usp=drivesdk

these are the links to the unfinished ao3 versions of throne and paradise, and the doc is to the final chapters :)) whilst it's obviously not up to my standards and i didn't want to even write the endings because i wanted to leave it all behind, i felt bad since i was two chapters away from the end and didn't leave you guys with any closure from the ending that i'd been building up towards the whole way through. the endings were announced on wattpad (where i offered to give them to anyone who wanted them through dms) but i figured i'd drop it here since a lot of my ao3 fans were tumblr hoes too. i probably should've shown it to you guys earlier but i'm a bit of a coward :)) i literally deleted tumblr and logged out of my account because i was so scared to be back here after what happened LOL well anyways, i hope you enjoy the shitty endings. there's a side stories doc linked in the final chapters one so if you feel like sitting down and reading like 17k of paraathy post-paradise or claudiana, go for it :))

just saying, thanks to everyone who left so many sweet messages in my inbox :)) there were a bunch of questions asking about the deleted/unfinished works, and there were a lot of encouraging comments that honestly, definitely helped for me to gain some kind of confidence to come on here again as toisiit.

i don't mind talking about throne/paradise/whatever if you want to scream about the endings to me and how y'all knew where i was going with it, so feel free to spam me in my dms slash wherever you can find me lol

just a quick little q&a session here since i'm too lazy to respond to each question from my anon inbox individually:

will you ever repost "cripple"?

nope, i've got no intentions to since in the end, i didn't have an actual structure planned out. if you want a brief

Why can't I see any of your ao3 stories from your profile?

again, that's explained up above but i ended up orphaning them to get rid of all traces and links back to me lol i was sick and tired of it. now, i regret it and wish i'd just gone anon instead of ORPHANING THE FUCKING WORKS AND NOT BEING ABLE TO RELEASE AN ACTUAL ENDING but whatever, i kind of tried to make up for it lol

Did claude in intoxicating lose his memories of Diana. Though the characterisation was absolutely brilliant. But i wonder that did he completely stop hating the thing that killed his lover and made his lyf painful(from his pov). Or because he forgot about diana or partially remembered her that he started "loving" athy.

fun fact! i remember when this was sent in and i actually wrote half a mini-essay before i accidentally did that macbook side swipe thing and it took me to my previous page and basically got rid of 2000+ words :D uhmmmm to be honest i don't actually remember what i wrote, but going off the vibes i was probably going for, i think he would have tried to forget about diana (after the ruby palace massacre) and then when he became grossly infatuated with athy, he would have focused on her instead whilst still associating her with diana (without realising it, of course. he just notices how athy's golden hair feels a little familiar, notices how her high cheekbones feel a little similar, the same creamy skin).

he definitely would have forgotten how she killed his lover/made his life painful as he became obsessive over athanasia, and instead wanted to have a claim over her (rather than kill her since she killed diana inadvertently). i'm glad you liked his characterisation as fucking WILD AND GENUINELY PSYCHO TOT that he is lol i was rereading intoxicating to try and gain closure and was like 🧍🏼‍♂️🧍🏼‍♂️why is this man so fucking creepy like the way that he talks and acts around athanasia is genuinely gross but in that weird like lolita way... and rereading how athanasia tried to convince herself that he was purely in love with her rather than off doing god knows what genuinely made me pity her before i realised that i was the one who wrote that 🧍🏼‍♂️🧍🏼‍♂️

Was intoxicating AU's athy more like diana? Like im just asking because here claude says that he tried to ignore diana's features in athy but couldn't. Which is a foil to what manhwa claude says and how manhwa's LP Athy is portrayed. Btw apart from the claude and felix digression i found the depiction of incest abuse outstanding and very loyal to real cases. Your story was the first that got me studying this crime and its effects and i realised this is the worst form of pedophilia. So kudos.

when i write, i really try to separate what goes on in the manhwa to how i portray the characters as a) i feel like if they're too similar then i can't get away with differences e.g. in paradise, athy being portrayed a total cold-blooded bitch instead of a mature, nice girl meant that when she did cruel things, people didn't find it as weird as she'd been characterised as something else and b) sometimes i find their characters boring so i add spice in other ways LOL it just isn't convenient to write about them in ways that don't fit the storyline i want. i kind of ignore the manhwa now 🧍🏼‍♂️🧍🏼‍♂️BUT ANYWAYS, i'd say that she physically resembled diana (pretty sure that was established in the manhwa so i did take that concept and apply it to intoxicating since it did kind of support the reason why claude even got involved with athy in the first place ??) and i suppose they could have been emotionally as well.

i tried to maintain athanasia's childish side to really hone in on the fact that claude was doing those things to a child, let alone his daughter. when she is thirteen, she is naïve enough to believe that if she can convince herself that he loves her as a romantic partner, then she will ignore the scorn that they will face if they're found out. she comes to terms with the fact that he doesn't love her that way and so she withdraws, realising that he shouldn't love her as a partner anyway (which is why when they argue later, it is because claude has realised that he wants her as a romantic partner and wants to make her his empress, whereas athanasia wants a father).

when jennette is introduced, she definitely has a grown in the sense that she knows to withdraw, knows to be quiet about what her father did to her, but she also is jealous when his attention is taken away from her. i didn't really think about diana's characterisation since she only appears in claude's single hallucination, but i'd say she was more demure in that scene which does kind of tie into how athanasia changes to become more lady-like, reserved etc after she withdraws from claude? i didn't really think about it lol sorry 🧍🏼‍♂️🧍🏼‍♂️

also the claude felix thing was NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN I GOT CARRIED AWAY OKAY it started off as a joke in my server and then i was like lol sure why not and now... 🧍🏼‍♂️🧍🏼‍♂️sorry felix you deserved so much better than what claude did to you TOT but regarding what you said about how it was loyal to real cases, i'm glad that i could at least somewhat portray it in that way (of course not glad that it happens, but i'm glad i could at least try to shed some light on these things) !! it would have been better if i highlighted the relationship more and really pointed out that athanasia's view of it was intentionally rose tinted so that she could try to make it seem 'okay', especially as there were some miscommunications about if i was glorifying and romanticising it or not, but all in all, i'm glad you enjoyed it :))

Did anastasius groom claude in intoxicatong AU. Like how did claude revolt and attempt to murder Ana if he was also groomed and was following the same path. Is groomed Athy of the same mindset as groomed claude. Or is she stronger or weaker. And did claude try to vent these same things onto Diana when he first met her,but later he tried changing his mind???

i think i had plans for anastasius to have groomed/sexually assault claude? i just realised how bad that sounds OH MY GOD i swear i don't go around writing about these things anymore oh my god... okay but i think i definitely was going to go down that path, and have that as the excuse as to why claude revolted against anastasius and killed him. in this case, claude would have killed him as a type of revenge (and if you're really going down the cruel, gruesome, dead dove please don't eat trail, he may have topped him as an attempt to gain back his power), and all of his abuse in his childhood could potentially explain why he followed the same path and went after athanasia. in intoxicating, i don't remember if i ever had plans to 'explain' why claude did what he did (as in what actually pushed him to the edge to even consider doing what he did, even if it was initially a test to see if he could push athanasia away) as i was concerned that it may be seen as an excuse, not an explanation.

however, i did have a mini-series called cripple that was meant to be claude's childhood to the ruby palace massacre, which definitely would have entailed all of the above (anastasius sexually assaulting and grooming claude, the revolt etc). using that as a support for the contents of intoxicating, in this case, it could have definitely been a reason for why he went after athanasia. they would have had similar mindsets as children (both wanting attention and love from an older male figure, being innocent and naïve and thus easy to be taken advantage of, not understanding the weight of the situation), but as they got older, they definitely went different ways.

claude would have been furious, murderous, craving vengeance and to destroy his brother in the cruellest way possible because his pride had been tarnished (i see claude as a very prideful man, so having this kind of thing done to him would have driven him to the edge). he would have loathed anastasius, wanting to torture him and leave him to rot. once he withdrew, he would find himself giving in - he would be forced upon whether he liked it or not. he'd be an example of victims who emerge loathing their abusers, vengeful, and full of hatred and distrust towards the world. athanasia, on the other hand, withdrew in an attempt to protect herself but would find herself giving in regardless. i think she would be an example of victims who go back to their abusers anyways, as they find it as a better thing than being on their own. i don't really like to say that athanasia is weaker as it has negative connotations, but you could definitely take it that her resolve was weaker.

again, i didn't think too much about diana's characterisation in intoxicating, but claude could very well have attempted to mimic these behaviours onto her. however, i don't really see it as that. if i briefly imagine the situation, i think that claude would have tried to better himself in a way after killing anastasius and attempting to salvage his pride and regain his sense of control. he knows that what was done to him was bad, was horrible, was something that no other person should go through, and as such, i like to think that claude wouldn't have done any of those things to diana because he wanted to be a better man for himself, and for her as he loved her. however, after her death, he probably would have been pushed to the edge and found himself in a downward spiral, which would explain why when he met athanasia, he would have lost all moral control and would think that it was okay to do something like that to her.

thank you so much to everyone who has supported me since april 2020 when i first started writing throne and paradise, and for everyone who continued to encourage me to keep on writing even when i wanted to stop and give up. i know it sounds a little bad, but you guys really helped me to keep going (in life too), and i really appreciate all of your kind words !! i hope you enjoy the ending as shoddy as it is <3333333

love,

toisiit

#toisiit #toi #wmmap #ao3 #who made me a princess #uhh wow this was just off my recommendations #lmfao this was much longer than it was supposed to be #anyways love y'all #<3

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infinitegalahad · 4 years

Text

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU (WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU)

Summary: Everybody in Easy Company can see that Shifty is like a love-sick puppy with a cute truck driver. He loves her, but he's too shy to confess. Popeye, his best friend, can no longer stand to see it. Floyd Talbert is the man of the hour and knows how to get Shifty, who can barely say I love you", to say those three words without actually saying the words. The way to solve this pining? A classic carnival date.

Word-Count: 7.4k

Notes: Howdy y'all! Once again, I am back from the dead! School has been a little crazy lately. I'm still working on requests and opening up some prompts, but I have two essays that are due in a month and aka-my life is a mess but...writing. I hope you guys will forgive me for dying and take this tooth rotting fluff of Shifty and cheeky tab! Shifty basically has a phd in being adorable. It's pure fluff, not a single ounce of angst! Once again, fem reader. Also unbeta read, we die like idiots. Enjoy!

Taglist: @tvserie-s-world @easy-company-tradition @liebgotttme @50svibes (add yourself to my taglist)

“Oh, it’s hopeless!” Popeye sighed, his face landing into his hands. It had gone on for too long. At that point, it was sickening to watch Shifty. As much as Popeye loved him, he couldn’t stand to watch him attempt flirting, or whatever he was doing with his crush. Something had to be done, and the infamous playboy Floyd Talbert was the perfect person for the job.

Floyd had a smirk sprawled across his face as he looked behind Popeye, seeing the interaction blossom between Shifty and his crush. Shifty towered over them, shining his pearly whites and saying something inaudible, earning a sweet chuckle. His sun tanned cheeks turned tomato red as he rubbed his nape.

“I love Shifty, but that poor boy doesn’t even know he’s in love with her.” Floyd remarked. Being a serial dater, he knew how to charm people, with his dashing looks and personality. Floyd studied the Virginian, struggling to hide his obvious affections. His bright smiles, rosy cheeks, spotting them within the crowds-the boy was enamored with her.

Not only was Shifty in love, but so was y/n. Shifty and y/n were both quiet, and shy people. They were adored by the company as being the nicest people alive. You were a truck driver assigned to the company in Aldbourne. Being the only girl donned in pants, the men of easy company were both intimidated and intrigued with you. When you weren’t driving trucks, you were either subjected to Floyd’s advances or the mortar trio attempting to flex their muscles. Y/n eventually eased her way into the company, becoming “Easy’s girl”. Even though you felt welcomed, you didn’t really have a friend you could rely on.

That was until you met Shifty Powers. You met him by accidentally running into him with a box full of mountains. He, being the kind soul he was, offered to help you reorder the thousands of bullets. In exchange, you offered him a ride to a location he was running late to. He introduced himself by Darrell, insisting that you called him by his real name with a smile on his face. He was an undeniable gorogues with sun tanned skin, a smile to die for, and chocolate hair that was golden in the sun. Not only was he attractive on the outside, but within. You were convinced that Shifty could do no wrong whatsoever. Heck, you also believed that he was legally not allowed to curse.

Ever since that encounter, you and Shifty had begun to hang out more. The two of you would talk for hours on end, explore the town of Albourne, escape the bars and find a little bookshop or peaceful space to talk. It was soothing to sit next to Shifty and simply hear him breathe, talk, or smile. It always makes your bleak world a tad bit better. But you were convinced that Shifty wasn’t interested in you, he was too innocent. So you decided that the farthest you would be is friends. And yet, it didn’t sit well with you.

Floyd had noticed that y/n was in love herself. Whenever she was around Shifty, she’d become a mess as well, being clumsy and blushing red. She’d twist a strand of hair in her fingers every time Shifty looked at her, batted her long eyelashes, and looked in the distance to find Shifty, intent on his target, letting out a dreamt sigh.

Floyd was in love with y/n. After all, it was rare to find a female in a company full of men. However, Floyd was Shifty’s best friend, and he wanted what was best for both of them. Popeye could see this too and he was sick of seeing two people who didn’t even know what they were in love with each other.

Floyd, Chuck, and Popeye watched Shifty and you say something to each other. It was pouring outside. Attempting to find your rain jacket, it was nowhere in sight. Shifty, seeing your frustration, took off his jacket and gently put it on your shoulders. You turned around and tried taking it off, but Shifty insisted that you stay warm.

“My pa’ always made sure my ma’ would stay warm. It’s the best I can do,” He reassured.

“Oh Shifty, thank you. This is too kind. How can I repay you?” You offered, wrapping the jacket around your body.

He shook his head, smiling, “I don’t need a single thing from you, miss y/n.”

“Boy, the world truly doesn’t deserve someone like you.” You stated, standing on your tippy toes. “Let’s get out of here so I can sneak you a Hershey bar, or two. How does that sound?”

Shifty froze and looked side to side. It felt like the devil was tempting him. But he could never see y/n as a devil. She was a beautiful angel in his eyes.

“Well,” Shifty put a finger to his lips, “That does sound mighty fine, Miss y/n.”

You took his hand and dragged him to the door, your laughter echoing in the door. Shifty held the door open and let you exit first before closing the door, making your way to the supply room to eat chocolate.

Once Shifty was out of sight, Popeye turned back to Floyd. “I’ve tried to ask him, trust me. He won't say a dang word on it.” He explained, “He thinks miss y/n wouldn’t like a fellow like him. But I’m pretty sure she loves him.”

“You kidding?” Chuck added on, “She spoils him with free food, contraband, whatever. Anything he wants, he gets. She doesn’t do that to any of us.”

“Well, miss Y/n did give me hershey bar last week,” Floyd proudly smirked.

Chuck looked unashamed, “Yeah, because you were trying to convince her to go to the amusement park with her this weekend.”

The Boy from Kokomo playfully rolled his eyes, “Shifty’s not her only favorite.” For a second, he froze, a thought finally coming in his mind. “Wait...the amusement park…”

“She already said no to that one, and all the other dates,” Chuck said.

“I know that,” Floyd replied, rubbing his chin, “I got an idea. For Shifty and Miss y/n.”

Chuck and Popeye looked at eachother, and then Floyd. They could already see the idea forming, but it would take a lot of work.

“I’ve known Shifty all my life. He’s too shy to ask a girl out,” Popeye acknowledged, “He’s too scared of being rejected.”

“I know that.” Floyd pointed his finger as he stood up and fixed his belt, “I’ve got a plan.”

“For once?”

“Yes-be quiet,” Floyd teased, “All those two need is a little push.”

-----------

Shifty looked up and down at the brightly colored paper and at y/n, who was loading up the back of a supply truck. His mouth hung open as his eyebrows rose in diseablief.

Floyd, Chuck, and Popeye stood all in front of him, waiting for an answer. Shifty shook his head and shoved the paper back in Floyd’s hands.

“Oh, I can’t do that. No way.” Shifty denied, his cheeks growing red.

Popeye let out a defeated sigh as Floyd clicked his mouth, walking up to Shifty. “Yes way! Have you not seen the way y/n looks at you?”

Shifty looked in the distance and then back at Floyd, “What? No! She looks at me like I look at you-like a friend. Besides, you’ve seen miss y/n,” Shifty’s gaze turned back to you as the butterflies fluttered in his stomach, “She made it clear ‘dat she ‘dun needa’ man, and I wanna respect ‘dat wish. ‘Sides, she wouldn’t be into a guy like me.”

Popeye shook his head, “God darn it Shift! You gotta realize dat your-”

“In love. L-O-V-E.” Floyd teased, budding shoulders with Shifty. “Based on the dames I’ve been with in Kokomo, I know how women work. She looks at you like a lovesick puppy. The two of you are meant for eachother.”

Shifty looked at Floyd, blinking his eyes like a child looking at a math equation. He still wasn’t understanding. “But...oh, leapin’ lizards! Miss y/n would be into a guy like you. You get all ‘da pretty ladies...how do you dewit?”

Upon hearing Shifty’s pleas for help, Floyd let out a chuckle and slapped Shifty’s shoulder, who looked like a lost lovesick puppy.

“Shifty, Shift, my dearest friend,” Floyd reassured, giving him a double pat, “That’s why I’m here. You’re getting the best advice from your best man.”

Chuck rolled his eyes, “Fan-fucking-tastic Shifty, you boosted his ego. This is going to be great.”

Floyd looked at an unassumed Chuck, giving him a pout. “Oh come now, Chuck! Look at him, he’s in love.”

“But you like Miss y/n! I don’t wanna steal her. I mean, I want someone who can treat her right,” Shifty said, resting his hands on his cheeks.

“Shifty, as your friend, I’m pretty sure everybody in easy company wants Miss y/n to accompany them at the bar for a dance or two.” Floyd explained, trying to encourage Shifty. “I know how much you love her, and I think it’s fair to give you a shot. The only way you’ll get what you want is by working for it.”

He saw Joe Toye walk by you. And even Joe Toye, one of the scariest people in the company, gave miss y/n a subtle nod. She smiled back and gave him a wave, a bandanna in your hair and dirt smudged on your cheek.

Just your mere presence made Shifty melt like an ice cream cone on a hot summer’s day. No matter what you were in, your uniform or covered in pig guts, you always found a way to be absolutely gorgeous. When Shifty had first bumped into you, he was convinced you were a fallen angel. You were too beautiful and bright in the rainy, gloomy Albourne. Yet there you were, always by his side with a smile on your face and story to tell.

Shifty let out a dreamy smile, a crooked smile on his face. “I wanna say I love her…” Shifty added on.``...without sayin’ I love her.”

The boy from Kokomo cracked his knuckles, “Well, don’t I just got the plan for you too. How does nice and slow sound?”

----------

“What are you doin? Stop pushin’ me! I can’t dewit!” Shifty whispered in a hush as Floyd and Popeye pushed him towards the truck where you were loading supplies for easy company.

“Boy, quit being afraid of anything. Take that leap of faith!” Floyd called out before pushing Shifty near the truck before he and Popeye hid for cover.

Shifty turned around to find them before he heard a familiar voice call his name.

“Shifty?”

The Virginian sharpshooter turned his shoulder and hid his hands behind his back, smiling with a piece of his golden chestnut hair falling on his forehead. “Miss y/n! Pleasure to see ‘yah. I hope I wasn’t interruptin’ anythin’ too important.”

“Shifty, you’re too sweet. I was just finishing the last load of K-bars…” You explained, lifting a large box and shoving it into the back of her full truck, unable to see. Finally, done after a long day. Wiping the sweat off of your forehead, you walked towards Shifty only to be greeted by a variety of poppies.

“ ‘ere, got ‘em for you. You said you like the color red…” Shifty blushed, looking to the side. Floyd and Popeye hid behind the side of the truck, giving him a thumbs up.

You took the flowers and examined them, a smile growing on your face. “Oh, these are so sweet! Thank you..” You put the flowers in the pocket of your overalls to retrieve a few hershey bars from the back of the truck, “I’ll getcha’ somethin-”

“Wait, miss y/n!” Shifty announced, following after you as he grabbed your soft hand, pulling you back. You tripped on your own feet, almost falling to the ground before Shifty catched you, his hand on the small of your back. The two of you stared at each other, cheeks both burning with desire.

Shifty coughed and lifted you up, neating your ruffled shirt and cap with your hair messily tucked into. “S-sorry, I…would like to ask you somethin’. Not chocolate, ma’am.”

You raised your eyebrows, insisting that he go forward with his response, his hand still in yours. He didn’t even notice, but you did. You could recognize his soft, tan skin from anywhere.

“Would you go to the amusement park with me? As my date?” Shifty blurted out like word vomit, “I mean, only if you want. If you don’t wanna go with somebody like me, then I understand.”

“Yes, of course I would!” You also blurted out, your face red like a tomato. You took your cap off and hid your face, embarrassed by yourself. Inhaling, you let out an exhale before pulling yourself together. “Shifty, I would love to go with you. I wasn’t even planning on going at all until you asked me.”

Shifty’s eyes sprinkled with happiness, like a child on Christmas morning. “Really? You wanna?” He squeezed your hand, realizing that he was still holding it.

You looked up at him with a warm smile, placing your dirty hand on top of his. “Yes, I would love to.”

Shifty looked speechless. The rumors were true; his smile was infectious. Perfect and bright like the sun of a warm summer day.

“Sufferin’ succotash!” He cried, “Miss y/n? Can I ask you one last thing?”

“Yes, Shifty?”

“Can I give you a hug?”

It was definitely not what you were expecting. But then again, you weren’t hesitant. Shifty could do no wrong-he simply seemed over the moon about asking you out. You were as well, but seeing Shifty’s excitement made you smile and accept it. He was too cute for his own food.

“Yes, you can.” You opened your arms only to have long hands pull you up and spin you around. It was a quick welcome as you spun around, heartfelt laughter escaping from you and Shifty. Shifty could do no wrong, whether that be at shooting or giving the best bear hugs. They were bear-like, but affectionate and protective. He trapped his arms around your waist as you held the back of his necks, your fingers tangled in his soft hair which shined in the sun. Shifty looked amazing no matter what, always glowing.

Babe threw the clown nose off of his face along with the roses Guarnere had picked out for him. Eugene was walking by, mortified to see Babe dressed (apparently) as a clown and a disappointed Guarnere. Not an unusual sight.

“Heffron,” Eugene walked towards a sad Babe, scanning his figure. “What are you doing…”

“I’m heartbroken! Look at them!” Babe mourned, pointing at you and Shifty in an embrace, happily giggling. “I was gonna ask miss y/n out and give her these roses. I dressed up like a clown since I thought we could both be clowns together.”

Eugene simply blinked, perplexed by Babe’s logic. All he could think of was the word Yikes. He would’ve most likely scared away y/n instead of winning her heart over. “Pardon?” He looked at Guarnere for answers, who simply shrugged at him.

“Don’t look at me like that. I tried, the kid wouldn’t listen. He’s a lovesick puppy with that damn dame.” Guarnere explained, crossing his arms as he looked at the happy couple.

The Cajun medic, along with Babe the sad clown and Guarnere, observed you and Shifty. A small smile crooked at his lips. He normally wasn’t one for gossip or dating, but he was happy for the two of you. Even someone as quiet as him didn’t deny the obvious chemistry between the two of you. It was like the two you were destined to be together. Humble, adored, and both beautiful in your own, respective rights.

“Yeah…” Eugene slowly bopped his head, “There sure like lovesick puppies…”

-----------

The Carnival brought light into the gloomy Alborunte with it’s bright rides, laughing children, and joyful ambience. Shifty could recall his childhood with Popeye. Every year, they’d have a carnival during the dog days of August. He loved the shooting games, winning thousands of plushies and eating candy with Popeye until he was sick. He was sure his Ma still had the plushies tucked away in the attic.

But instead of feeling overjoyed, he felt like he was walking on eggshells.

He waited at the entrance with Floyd, Popeye, and Chuck. Chuck kept looking down at his watch, keeping lookout for y/n as Floyd gave Shifty a final pep talk. They were all dressed in fresh uniforms with showers and fine cologne. It was a refreshing change, even if it was for one night.

“Remember, play it cool. You’re sweating’ like a damn dog!” Floyd said, fixing a stubborn curl into his cap.

“Oh, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, miss y/n deserves a real man. I mean she’s so…” Shifty rambled on before Popeye swatted him on the shoulder, gardening his attention to y/n in the crowd. You were far away but to Shifty, you were still recognizable. The girls in the crowd wore plain and monotone colored dresses but you wore a beautiful floral button up with sheer sleeves and ruffles, your makeup done. It was the first time Shifty had ever seen you without your flap cap and dirt on your face, and he wanted a better look.

“Beautiful…”

Floyd smirked and patted Shifty’s shoulders, letting out a dreamy sigh, “God damn it Shifty, you’re lucky I’m being nice to you. Hottie on the dot. Go get ‘em, tiger.”

Giving him a push on encouragement, Shifty’s friends eventually faded into the crowd. Gulping, he began to walk forward towards y/n, who stood in the crowd, waiting in the exact location Shifty told her to wait in. Catching him the corner of his eye, she smiled with her red lips and walked over.

“Shifty!” Y/n exclaimed with glee, looking at his clean uniform and quivering an eyebrow. “Thank goddess I found you…and you look handsome in your uniform.”

“Says the pretty lady talkin’,'' Shifty commented back as he looked down at your tinier form. Now that you were up close, he could admire every little detail from your rosy cheeks, red lipstick, manicured hands, and glimmer in your eyes from the fairy lights. “I mean, you always look very nice but tonight you look stunning’.”

“Oh quit being’ nice to me, Shifty.” You playfully swatted his shoulder, “Every guy’s in the company’s said that to me. Not half of them even acknowledged me before I got dressed up.”

Shifty, like a confused puppy, tilted his head. How could someone such as y/n, who he considered to be the prettiest lady he had ever seen.

“Whaddya mean? You always have been very pretty, ma’am.” Shifty acknowledged, his hands fiddling behind his back. He could feel his palms sweating, seeing the moon reflect onto your glowing skin. “You always look beautiful. It’s just tonight that you look even more beautiful than you usually do.”

You shook your head as you looked down, fiddling with the sides of your dress. Nobody had said those words to you in years. They were truly heartfelt and not some cheap way of getting into your pants. “I may not see it, but thank you Shifty.”

“Well, my ma’ has always told me that I’m one bad liar. I like to say it how it is,” Shifty insisted with a finger in your face, “and I’m saying that you are one hecka’ ova’ pretty gal.”

You smiled at Shifty, amazed by how cute he was. He didn’t even have to try, it was all natural. “Oh Shifty….” You looked down at your shoes, seeing your feet brush against his boots. Clearing your throat, you looked up to talk. ‘I…”

Before you could say a word, you could see Floyd Talbetr in the back. He noticed you talking to Shifty and upon seeing you, had a devilish smirk sprawn over his handsome face. You clicked your tongue, shaking your head. “Oh goodness, doesn’t he see I’m on a date?”

Shifty turned around and bit his lip. He gently grabbed your hand. It felt natural in the moment too, his larger work in your pretty manicured hand. “That son of a gun! I’m sorry ‘bout him, miss y/n. ‘Ere, let’s go. I’m sure he’ll find another lady, but not as pretty as you. I mean she would be very pretty, but not the miss y/n typa’ pretty.”

The two of you walked side by side, hands together. You looked at Shifty, raising an eyebrow. “Are you gonna keep callin’ me pretty the whole night?’

Shifty nodded his head like an enthusiastic child, “Like I said, if it’s true, is true.”

---------

Once the two of you escaped the infamous playboy, you and Shifty walked around the amusement park. The two of you had eventually let go of your hands since something had caught your eye, causing you to mindlessly wander. Shifty followed you like a puppy dog, whatever you wanted to do he wanted. Besides, anything with you was time well spent. Carnivals were something he always enjoyed with their bright lights and shiny attractions, especially with a pretty girl he was in love with. He forgot he was in a raging war whenever he looked at you; with your soft smile and calming words. Just for one night, Shifty could escape into his fantasy world with you, which to his surprise was the reality he was currently standing in.

You were full of life in the park, dragging Shifty to every ride, whether it be scary or for toddlers. The two of you first stopped at the Haunted House, which Shifty was terrified to go into. You were scared, but it was the rush of adrenaline driving you. Shifty wanted to impress you, so he held your hand hand for “safe precaution” and walked in front of you. It was adorable to see him jump back at the slightest scares and mumble under his breath an alternative curse word, such as “leapin’ lizards” or “great scott!”

As the two of you exited the haunted house, lost in conversation, the two of you had been jumpscared. Shifty jumped and grabbed your waist, pulling you in for protection. You felt his stomach on your back and his firm grasp on your waist. You looked up and Shifty, who immediately realized what he was doing. The two of you broke into laughter, a few snorts in the middle. Shifty slowly let go of your waist, wanting to hold on longer.

“Sorry miss y/n.” He apologized, bowing his head. “Jus’ got a lil’ scared in the moment. I don’t mean to be a coward.”

“A coward? Nonsense,” You smiled in reassurance and grabbed his hand, “Your no coward to me. Now come on! There’s more rides to go!”

Shifty was distracted by your beauty as you dragged him along. Once again, the two of you trekked around the park. He was lost in your gaze. How did a guy like him end up with a lady such as yourself? It was hard to deny the butterflies in his stomach. He had never dated in the past. Yes, he had crushes, but they never acknowledged his feelings. He’d do anything for his crushes whether to be holding their books, walking them back home, anything for them, yet he never had his feelings returned. He always felt like he was the second choice. But with you, it was different. You were truly his best friend, and he wanted you to know it, but he still had no idea how to say it.

The two of you decided to take a break and ordered a sugary milkshake to boost your energy for another hour of rides. The two of you sat at a small table in the back, watching the happy couples and children in the distance. The waiter had brought over a milkshake, interrupting your peaceful little silence. Shifty wasn’t even looking at the crowds, he was simply staring at you. His long legs brushed against yours until they finessed each other, making his cheeks go red.

He looked down and saw one milkshake with two heart shaped straws. You raised an eyebrow and fiddled with the straw.

“Odd,” You remarked, examining the milkshake, “ I thought we ordered two…”

Shifty raised his head to see Floyd Talbert in the back, a smirk as he winked, two girls leaning on his shoulders giggling. Was he following them this whole time? Wasn’t he too busy with those girls on his shoulders?”

Shifty tilted his head back down and muttered a curse under his breath, “That son ova’ mother trucker…”

“Shift?” You questioned. He looked up at you, to see that you were already taking a drink. “You okay?”

Shifty rubbed the back of his nape, “Yes ma’am. Ma’ apologies.” He looked at the milkshake and your manicured hands holding the cup down. “Hey! Leave a lil’ for both of us.”

You cutelty giggled, “I haven’t had one of these in a while! I can’t help it. After all,”

“Strawberry, it’s the best flavor,” Shifty had said, and you had followed along in his words. The two of your eyes met, both leaned in close to the milkshake. To cut out the awkarenedess, both of you let out chuckles. A small snort emerged from your mouth, in which you soon covered in.

“Sorry,” You mumbled, hand over your mouth. Your chuckles became faint, another snort escaping your mouth, “It’s not very ladylike.”

Shifty looked puzzled, “Whatcha’ mean? What’s not ladylike?”

“My laugh,” You answered, “I always snort. It’s horrible. Whenever I’d laugh, these girls in my school would make fun of it. I can’t really control it, sorry.”

“Why would they laugh at you?” Shifty looked saddened at your insecurity. You were perfect in his eyes. You truly couldn't do anything wrong. “I think your laugh is very pretty, miss y/n.”

“As sweet as you are, you don’t have to lie.”

Shifty scooted up towards you, his hand sliding onto yours. He had a small smile in his face, his thumb caressing the inner part of your hand. “Well, I am bein’ honest. I ain’t a good liar, you know ‘dat. I’m sure ‘dose girls were jealous of you. ‘sides…” Shifty looked down and back at you with his hazel orbs, “I like your laugh a lot, miss y/n. ‘S pretty, ‘jus like you.”

Oh god, It was happening. Whether it was his cuteness, his Virgianian accent, he was luring you in. You looked up at him as your cheeks grew rosy. The two of you sat there, hand on hand, sipping on a milkshake with the lights glowing in the back. You always had the tiniest crush on Shifty, but it had finally hit you like a bus that it wasn’t some tiny schoolgirl crush-but it was truly love.

You had told yourself over and over that the only reason he liked you was because he was nice to you. You were a cheery person, but deep inside, you had been hurt in the past. Always feeling you were the second choice, you shut yourself out from love. Especially in war. Sure, you were friendly towards the men, but you told yourself you wouldn’t grow close to them. If they died, it would be better. As cruel as it sounded, it was kinder to them are you. It was for the better, right?

That fateful day you bumped into Shifty Powers changed your aspect. You were officially stupid with love, sitting there at a bright carnival, hand in hand as you sipped on a milkshake. He was too kind for you and the world you lived in.

“You’re not gonna stop being nice to me, are you?”

“No ma’am.”

----------

After the milkshake incident, you had noticed you clung onto Shifty more. You were a little taken aback when he asked to hug you. Not that you didn’t enjoy it, you truly did, and it was something that infected your thoughts. Your cheeks would go red and you’d cover the lower part of your mouth. Whenever Shifty walked into the room, it felt like the sun was shining in the dreary Albourne. Just looking at him made your IQ drop to single digits.

And Floyd had caught onto it before you had even noticed.

Instead of holding Shifty’s hand, the two of you walked arm and arm, chatting the night away. The two of you exchanged stories of your childhood, home, and how you ended up where you were. He truly was an angel with a bright smile. He wasn’t like other guys you had met who bragged about themselves. Whenever you would compliment him, he’d deny it with his cheeks all red from embarrassment.

“You’re the best shot I’ve ever seen!” You announced, in disbelief. You had seen him practice a few times, and he would hit every target with grace. “You make it look easy.”

“I’m not a good shot,” Shifty doubted, “But Pa was a good shot. The best shot I’ve ever seen. I think you’d like Pa a lot.”

As the two of you walked in the crowd, you noticed a shooting booth in the corner of your eye. It was a classic paladone duck shooting game. You smirked and pulled his arm to the side, “Well, prove it then.”

Shifty let out a sigh and stood straight, saluting like you like you were Sobel, but much less intimidating. “Yes ma’am.”

You saw him stand there, his fingers curled around the trigger and the butt resting against his shoulder. He took a breath and exhaled, and let the bullets blue. Every duck fell to the ground within a matter of seconds. A minute later, Shifty returned with a large stuffed animal and a smile on his face. He handed it to you. It was a tiny, stuffed bear with button airs.

“For you.” He commented, “I wish they had bigger ones. But I can get you more, if you want.”

You looked at the plusive. You felt juvenile, but it was Shifty. Besides, the two of you weren’t in the army in the moment; you were two lovesick puppies, running around a carnival without a care in the world.

“No, this is...perfect.” You held it close to your chest, “I’ll name him Popeye, a good luck charm.”

Shifty had taken you to every booth he could find, effortlessly shot the gates, and won you more stuffed animals. Whenever he’d give you one, you’d smile like a child on christmas. He loved to see you happy, so he kept doing it more and more. In his mind, it repeated like a broken record, “for y/n”. Wherever you went, Shifty went. Whatever you wanted, Shifty wanted. He was truly a lovesick puppy.

After Shifty’s a thousandth win, both of you walked side by side, arms full of plushies. Each of them were named after members of your company. A racoon named Luz, a black cat named Roe, a cub bear named Liebgott, a fox named Babe, a rabbit named Dick, and so many more. You held up a medium sized shark and nudged Shifty’s shoulder.

“Alright, this one?”

Shifty put some thought into it, “Webster. Doesn’t he like sharks?”

You let out a dry chuckle, “Yeah, he won’t shut up about it.”

The two of you giggled until hitting the next booth and running into a familiar playboy and his newest addition bound to be one night stands. Floyd noticed you and Shifty arrived. He crossed his arms and walked over, faking a cough.

“Look at what we have here,” Floyd scanned you and Shifty, the both of you with wide eyes and stuffed animals overflowing in your hands, “Y’know Shift, I’m proud of you. The whole company hates you for it, you lucky son of a gun.”

Shifty softened his eyebrows, “Wait, they hate me? What did I do wrong?”

Seeing Floyd’s cruel teasing, you interrupted the two. “Floyd, don’t be so cruel,” You put a reassuring hand on Shifty’s shoulder, “Don’t listen to him, he’s just being himself.”

Floyd did a fake pout, “Oh, come on hon. All due respects, but Shifty hit the jackpot before me. After all, he doesn’t miss.”

Shifty and you both went as red as tomatoes, looking sideways. Floyd’s armcandy giggled at his comment and playfully slapped him in the chest. He reassured his sweetheart and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her away.

After Floyd had disappeared to do god knows what, Shifty still looked perplexed and concerned. His thoughts were once again racing. Not about the company disliking him, but Floyd’s comment. Even though he and Floyd were best friends, the two of them were different. He was a playboy in the spotlight, and Shifty was in the back, always tagging along. Growing up, Shifty considered himself to have a loving family. He saw the way his pa treated his ma; giving her his coat, bringing her presents, and treating her like she was a queen. Shifty had never been with a lady before, and he considered you his first real one. Twenty years of age and this was his first rendezvous with a girl, he couldn’t believe it. And he wanted to make sure you were loved and not some jackpot, trying to be won like a competition.

“Miss y/n?” Shifty asked, gaining your attention. He cleared this throat, “I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think of you in ‘dat way.”

“In the Floyd way? That’s alotta’ guys, Shifty.”

“Well, I don’t want you to think I’m doin’ this because of him. Since you’re a very pretty lady, a lot of guys wanted to ask you, and be there arm candy. I just wanted to letcha know now that you're not some kinda prize to be won. I hope to god I ain’t makin’ you feel ‘that way.” Shifty exhaled, letting all his words come out like word vomit. They came out so quickie that he didn’t even know what he was saying.

“Shifty, I know you. You’re a sweetheart,” You kindly affirmed, “Any dame would be lucky to get a guy like you. This has been such a wonderful night, so thank you for that.” The two of you were close to each other, your hands hovering against his chest. His uniform looked perfect on him, you didn’t want to mess it up. Your fingers sucked in as they laid at your side, resisting the temptations that were filling your mind. “But, I do have one request.”

“Anything for you, ma’am.” He vowed, letting you take the floor.

“Teach me how to shoot.”

Shifty look behind you at the booth, a shooting gallery, and then back at you. It was an odd request for sure, especially considering the tender moment the two of you shared. “Like here, right now?” He coaxed. Out of the people, him? He was flattered. No lady had ever asked him something such as that.

You nodded, shrugging your shoulders, insisting, “You are the best shot in the world, after all.”

“Alrighty, if you insist.” Shifty grabbed the small of your back as the two of you walked to the booth. Once you were given the prop gun, you placed the butt on your shoulder and closed an eye, the other looking out of the iron sight. Shifty got right behind you, his chest against your back. He leaned on your shoulder and moved your hand to the trigger and bottom while getting a sniff of your perfume. He never missed, but being around you was definitely a distraction.

“Don’t aim for what you're shooting’, aim’ for where you shootin’,” He instructed, your eyes focused on the moving targets. Shifty hadn’t realized he had put a hand on your waits to turn you over slightly. It wasn’t like you minded his gentle touch.

The moving target came up, and with Shifty’s hand upon yours, you pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the middle of the target, slamming to the ground. However, the two of you didn’t stop. Every target that came, you shot and didn’t miss once. While you were focused on the red targets falling to the ground, you could also feel Shifty’s breath on you and his firm grasp on your hips. His fingers were on top of yours and the trigger. Whenever you were to get a target, he’d mutter “ ‘atta girl…” or “aim a lil’ higher, darlin’.” It made you lose focus, making you thankful that Shifty was right by your side. You lowered the gun, his hands still resting on your hips. When the clerk had announced you had won, you shook it off and walked over to claim your one hundredth stuffed animal. Shifty had a pout as you walked away. He truly enjoyed being close to you.

“Hey,” You called, a smile on your face, “Thank you. I’d like to do that again.”

“Shooting’ again?”

“Of course. I’d like to learn how to do it.”

“Oh miss y/n, I’d love to help, but I ain’t a good shot.”

“Stop denying it,” You affirmed, holding his hands in yours, bringing them to your chest. You looked up at him, the fairy lights glimmering in your eyes, “That you’re a bad shot and not a gentleman and that I deserve to be with someone who can treat me right. You are an amazing shot. This night has been amazing. You are someone who can treat me right. I…” Freezing on your words, the butterflies in your stomach crippled you. You knew what you wanted to say, but how could you word it into a coherent sentence. His hands scrunched in your chest as you still held them close, like a child with a stuffed animal.

“Well, stop denying’ you're not pretty'. Because I think you're the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,” Shifty confessed as he moved closer to your tinier form, “Not only on the outside, but inside. You're kind, always putting others before yourself. You also sneak the company Hershey bars, even though they don’t need them. You're so interesting to talk to, you can just...light up a whole room when you walk inside of it,” Shifty’s cheeks were burning like a fire as he pulled you close to his body, both of your breaths heavy. “I...oh gosh darn it…”

You looked over to the side and turned back to Shifty, “Ferries Wheel.”

“Huh?”

“Let’s go. It’s the last ride of the night before they shut the park.” You exclaimed. Maybe the two of you needed a private place to talk. I love you, it was three simple words. You couldn’t say it and he couldn’t say it. Maybe it would work, maybe it would be a disaster. You had nothing to lose at

this point.

Shifty and you both walked over, seeing that there was no line for the ride. It was late at night. You only had an hour left on your night pass, and you wanted to make sure you used the most of it. What if always lingered in your mind. You knew not to get close to the men in the company, it was for the better. But now, with Shifty holding your hand, it was undeniable.

The two of you boarded onto the small cart, still hand in hand. No words were spoken between you two. You looked at the bright lights, which were getting smaller as you moved upwards. You could feel Shifty’s gaze burn into you. Although the two of you

“Miss y/n?” He broke the silence.

“Yes, Shifty?” You said, turning to look into his Hazel eyes. He smiled and shook his head, using one of his hands to cup the hand he was holding.

“I don’t know how to say this but, I want to be honest with you since we only got a little bit of time to do so. I remember when I first met you and I was speechless, and I still am. I’ve had feelings for you for a long time now but tonight...made me realize them more. It made me realize what a foot I am for not knowing’ sooner. But now, I know. I gotta say it. Miss Y/n, I love you.” Shifty declared, “more than anything in the world. If you don’t like me, ‘dat’s okay. But I can’t hide it anymore. I wanna help you learn how to shoot, I wanna go on more dates with you, I wanna be around you every single day.”

It had finally hit you. You looked at Shifty and chuckled, “You said it. I love you too. I couldn’t find the words for it...but now, I have. I love you, Darrell. ”

You moved to Shifty’s side of the cart and leaned on his shoulder, nuzzling into it as Shifty wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close to his body.

“Have you always loved me?” Shifty questioned, his fingers trailing against your bare arms.

You nodded your head, playing with his fingers. “Since day one. You?”

“Since I first looked at you,” Shifty confessed, “Floyd and Popeye always teased me ‘bout it. I didn’t have the courage to say it before, but they…”

“Helped you. I guess you're not the only one here,” You sighed, just knowing that Floyd had something to do with this. Of course, it made sense for the playboy to make a matchmaker. “I told Luz by accident and you know Luz. Floyd had overheard our conversation and had to include himself. He helped me get a dress and prepare for this all. So yeah, I guess we both liked each other...but we didn’t know it.”

“Well, know we do it. We both love each other,” Shifty said into your hair.

“Yeah…” You looked at the night sky, the stars and moon sparkling. “I like that a lot.”

The cart had stopped on top of the ride. In that moment, you felt on top of the world. Shifty had you in his arms, the temperature wa sprague, the sky was beautiful. It was all coming together now-but there was one missing detail.

Shifty’s arm pulled you in closer before he asked gently, “May I kiss you, miss y/n?”

That was it, the one missing detail. A kiss to wrap up the perfect moment. You turned your body towards him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. “Yes, you can Shifty. You can do it as many times as you like.”

“Yes Ma’am,” He chuckled like a child. Wrapping his arms on your waist, your lips collided with each other. Your heart began to pound as you felt a desire run from your heart, to my chest, and down toward my inner thighs.

Shifty touched your neck, and the hair as it was moved away nearly gave me the chills. His hands went from the sides of your head and down to your neck, out to your shoulders and down to your hands. He grabbed your hands gently yet firm. You felt safe, he spoke no words. Your heart is about to beat out of your chest as you shut your eyes and took a deep breath out.

Shift kissed my shoulder, and ran his lips on my skin towards my ear, but didn't quite make it that far. It doesn't hurt, it only makes me want more.

Shifty turns you around, and we are facing each other. He stares into my eyes and smiles. Shifty’s two hands grab your left hand as he places your open palm on his heart, and he holds it there. His eyes exude love, protection, security, safety, patience, and respect. You smile and he lets go of your hands, with one hand he runs his fingers through your hair and gently guides your face closer to his, eventually leaning me in to rest my head on his chest.

His other arm wraps around me, and you hope he never lets go.

And in that moment, the world was still. It was you and Shifty, on top of the world.

#shifty powers #shifty powers x reader #shifty powers imagine #band of brothers #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers imagine #we all need a little shifty in the world

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hello-that-happened · 3 years

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How She-Ra, Wrong Hordak, and I Deconverted in Six Steps

Alright y'all, it's time for my fourth essay exploring how She-Ra and the Princess of Power (SPOP) used Christian themes and parallels to provide a humanist message.

My first post named 9 major messages of SPOP that contradict Christian fundamentalism.

My second gave the historical context of how our generation and Noelle's are growing up to overthrow Christian fundamentalism after it became such a powerful enemy in the U.S.

My third discussed the parallel between Horde Prime’s rage at Hordak’s self-naming and the Christian idea that everyone is an instrument of God’s will.

Now I want to discuss how Adora's and Wrong Hordak's journeys defections from the Horde parallel my story, and potentially others', of leaving Christianity. Adora and Wrong Hordak experience many of the same stages in his journey out of the Horde as many ex-Christians experience leaving Christianity.

My own experience leaving Christianity was a journey into atheism, so I will interpret Adora's and Wrong Hordak's stories through that lens. Plenty of people who left toxic/conservative Christianity behind still believe in God, in heaven, and/or in the value of Christian communities. I do not want to minimize or dismiss their experiences, and I welcome progressive Christians as allies in the fight for LGBT+ rights and social justice generally. But when I watched Adora and Wrong Hordak leave their belief in The Horde behind, I saw myself leaving Christianity behind. I want to tell my story through/alongside theirs. I hope some of you can relate, but it is okay if you cannot, regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof.

Deconversion in Fast-Forward

Adora, Wrong Hordak, and I escaped from the organizations that raised us and its worldview in six somewhat-distinct stages:

Multiple major characters' arcs in She-Ra begin with rethinking their loyalty to The Horde. Wrong Hordak and Adora both lose their faith in The Horde after a lifetime of indoctrination into its ideals and goals. Their journey away from The Horde mirrors many young Americans' away from Christianity, with at least one notable exception: time. Deconversion takes multiple years for most ex-Christians, but only takes a few days for Adora and Wrong Hordak. Their de-conversion basically represents a speed run of most ex-Christians'.

Full Breakdown of Each Stage

(tw: mention of depression and suicidal ideation)

Adora takes delight in pretending to beat up an imaginary princess in the show's first scene, and later calls princesses "violent instigators who don't even know how to control their powers." She believes in the ideals of The Horde, and feels excited to rise through the ranks to become Force Captain. Obedience to Horde authorities comes fairly naturally to her, and she even chides Catra for being "disrespectful."

Wrong Hordak consistently repeats his loyalty to Horde Prime throughout his first episode and beyond. Even while being attacked by his fellow clones, Wrong Hordak affirms that "We serve Horde Prime's will." Unprompted in the next episode he happily announces, "I believe in Horde Prime!"

I felt proud, as a kid in Sunday School, that I could answer more questions about the Bible than any of the other kids. My church's youth group was the most enjoyable part of my middle school years especially because I got to hang out with the guy I only recently realized I'd had a huge gay crush on. I started viewing "feeling happy" and "feeling the presence of God" as identical. I wrote in my 2011 "Faith Statement" for my church's Confirmation that "I fell in love with God," and that "I thank God that I was born into a good Christian family and was raised to honor God."

Adora is kidnapped by the Horde's enemies and taken away from her home, separated from all of the voices reassuring her that The Horde is a good organization with a just mission. Shadow Weaver is not around to give her orders or map out her future anymore, leaving her alone with her enemies and her thoughts.

Wrong Hordak's connection to the hive-mind he knew for all of his life is severed. "I am…alone?" he asks in shock, then breaks down and cries, "I am alone!" For someone who grew up living in the same mind as his entire communal "family," suddenly losing that connection to everyone he knew would be traumatizingly shocking. The best equivalent I can think of in human experience is being suddenly ripped away from your family and community and then never seeing them again.

I kept conflating happiness with my faith in God for years, even after my crush moving away drove me into suicidal ideation for a couple weeks in 2011. My mental health recovered for a year before settling into a long-term depression in 2012. Because I conflated happiness with the presence of God, my depression felt like something had taken away the presence of God.

Adora defends the organization that raised her by quoting her highest authority: "Hordak says we're doing what's best for Etheria. We're trying to make things better. More orderly." Glimmer argues against Adora's worldview by showing her (1) that princesses are just people instead of dangerous violent monsters, and (2) what The Horde has done: first the ruins of a village destroyed by The Horde, and then that the village of Thaymor which she was told to attack was peaceful, innocent, and happy.

Wrong Hordak grabs Entrapta by the hair for the crime of "trespassing," and enjoys saying, "Prime shall hear of this, and his punishment shall be merciless." But once Bow’s arrow disconnects him from the Horde’s hivemind, he is simultaneously stranded away from the people who constantly reinforced his belief in Horde Prime’s goodness and stuck with a group of people opposing Prime. For a long time, Wrong Hordak simply pretends that the Best Friend Squad™ serve Horde Prime just like everyone else he ever knew. Every line of his dialogue in “Taking Control” is a quick, snappy motto he took from Horde propaganda, like “I believe…in Horde Prime” and “True nourishment comes from the favor of Horde Prime.” [see footnote 1]

I was well aware, growing up in a progressive suburb, that plenty of my high school friends were nonreligious. After my depression sunk in, I found myself arguing about religion with a brilliant but very smug British friend who consistently refuted my arguments in ways I could not dispute. Searching for arguments to support my pre-existing beliefs, I started reading Christian apologetics, but found nothing my friends could not easily refute. [see footnote 2]

Adora sees the ruins of the site of a Horde attack while with Glimmer and Bow, and at first rejects what Glimmer tells her about what she sees to preserve her worldview: "This doesn't make any sense. The Horde would never do something like this…You don't know them like I do." But when she sees The Horde attack Thaymor, the belief system painstakingly constructed by The Horde and drilled into her over 15 (or so) years comes crashing down. At first she can rationalize away her experiences to preserve her beliefs, but when the evidence of her own senses becomes overwhelming she cannot resolve the cognitive dissonance between her belief in The Horde's goodness and her direct experience of The Horde attacking the innocent town of Thaymor. Her worldview cannot explain what she experienced.

Wrong Hordak keeps his belief in Horde Prime's all-powerful nature for a long time after joining the Best Friend Squad. However, when until the Best Friend Squad catches him in a contradiction. He tells them what he was told: that Krytis does not exist. As soon as they start questioning the contradiction he was fed, he becomes extremely uncomfortable. He maintains his denial of Krytis' existence even after they land on the planet, until he can no longer deny the evidence that Horde Prime is not all-powerful.

I grew up, like many of you, on the Internet. My depression began during the heyday of the online atheist movement—and by “heyday,” I mean “seemingly inescapable presence,” especially on YouTube where I hung out. I kept running into comments asking questions that I could not answer: Why does Christianity seem to promote belief based on internal feelings instead of observable evidence? Why would an all-loving god send anyone to hell forever? Why did I believe claims from Christian doctrine and doubt claims from every other religion? Why has Christianity seemed to cling to the past instead of embracing a progressive future? The questions overwhelmed me. I found myself terrified of my own growing doubts. Eventually, my belief was based entirely on two emotions: nostalgia for past happy experiences I associated with Christianity, and a fear of losing the vague hope those experiences gave me.

The first time that Bow and Glimmer met Adora, they immediately labeled her “Horde soldier!,” and the label stuck through the first three episodes. Adora has always identified herself primarily as a soldier serving The Horde, echoing the messages she has heard for her whole life: “Shadow Weaver said it didn't matter who I was before, that—that I was nothing before Hordak took me in.” The language of “I was nothing” reflects cult dynamics where a group tries to retain someone permanently by making them think of themself as nothing more than their worshipful loyalty to the group. Similarly, it is a common Christian belief that “without Jesus we are nothing.”

After realizing that Horde Prime fes him lies, Wrong Hordak collapsed into a sobbing mess. “Who am I if not an exalted brother of Prime?,” he bawled, still thinking that the only legitimate kind of identity is one based on fully devoted worship of an all-powerful authority. Per Entrapta, “It seem[ed] that Wrong Hordak has begun to question the meaning of life.” She later described Wrong Hordak’s breakdown as an “existential crisis,” which happens “when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose, or value, and are negatively impacted by the contemplation.” Without an all-powerful father figure to value him, Wrong Hordak thought, who would?

I identified myself fundamentally as a Christian for my entire childhood and teen years. I found joy, purpose, and a sense of self in my religion. Leaving my religion behind felt like burning the bridge to who I was behind me. When I de-converted from Christianity, I felt like I was standing at the brink of a void. I thought that without finding goodness in God, I might find no goodness at all. [see footnote 3]

When Wrong Hordak finishes (digitally, but also emotionally) processing the Krytis data logs of Horde Prime leaving in defeat, he explicitly renounces his old loyalties and declares his opposition to the organization and beliefs that he used to believe in with all his heart: "Brothers! Horde Prime lied to us. He is a false ruler. We must rise up against him, and free the universe from his unjust reign!"

After Adora betrays the Horde at the Battle of Thaymor, she pledges her loyalty to Bright Moon in her battle against the Horde: "I’ve seen for myself the atrocities the Horde has committed against the people of Etheria, and I’m ready to fight to stop them. If you give me the chance, I know I can help the Rebellion turn the tide of the war."

I didn't have an explicit declaration statement like Wrong Hordak or Adora. However, on 5/5/15 I arranged a meeting with my very friendly and understanding youth pastor as a last-ditch effort to save my faith. I hoped that he would crush my worrying doubts. Instead, actually encouraged me to become agnostic and to look into non-Christian beliefs on the subject of religion. Rather than feeling terrified of what I might find and wishing that someone could indoctrinate me into my old belief system, I started on a path to discover the truth wherever it might lead me.

Footnotes for Context

Christian fundamentalists’ similarly simplistic snappy phrases have been labeled by ex-Christians as “thought-terminating clichés… brief, highly reductive, definitive-sounding phrases” where “Simple labels are attached to something you like or dislike, and they are the start and finish of all thought on the subject.” Such black-and-white “totalistic” thinking is common in Christian fundamentalism, especially how it labels complex political topics as somehow being merely a cover for “spiritual warfare” between the totally good/Godly side and the totally evil/demonic side.

Specifically, I started reading an “Intelligent Design” propaganda apologetics book by Lee Strobel called The Case For A Creator. A self-proclaimed former atheist, Strobel wrote his The Case For series using my same research strategy: Only do research using sources that already agree with you. Whereas Strobel exclusively talked to other Christian apologists, though, I at least tried talking to atheists. Anyway, I walked into school one day with a confident smile and a copy of Strobel’s book and sat down with some friends. One of them, another brilliant atheist but with a far subtler and humbler personality, noticed it and his face immediately sunk into the expression of someone exhausted by the topic as he braced himself for my bullshit. When I confidently asserted a creationist talking point trying to dismiss the findings of some old experiment, he not only knew the experiment but immediately dismantled my talking point. I had no reply. What struck me most was not just his swift rebuttal, but his weary tone: My arguments were not only bad, but so bad that he was genuinely tired of them.

Around the same time, I became obsessed with the character of Kefka from Final Fantasy 6. To me, Kefka represented what I feared most about leaving Christianity behind — that I would lose any sense of meaning, purpose, or morality in my life. ("Life… Dreams… Hope…Where do they come from? And where are they headed? Such meaningless things!") Edgy, I know, but in my mind that kind of absurdism seemed to be an inevitable result of abandoning my religious beliefs. Fortunately, I came to understand that there is plenty of meaning, purpose, beauty, and goodness outside of the particular religion that I happened to be born into.

#she-ra #spop #she-ra spoilers #spop spoilers #religion #christianity #long post #...#about me #religious meta

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weirdo-with-a-nametag · 3 years

Text

Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

#mine #long post #snakes #pets #food m #uhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever else needs tagging

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spidersbane · 3 years

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hi!! i hope you're doing well! i was hoping if i could get a marvel ship?

i'm a straight girl, an INFJ, and my hp house is ravenclaw. I'm usually very quiet, shy, and polite when i first meet someone, but eventually as time would pass and trust has been established, i would become this clumsy (j can't stress this enough) dork. my friends would often say that im a sincere and sweet type of person and kind to her loved ones. in a nutshell, they say im a soft enthusiastic cinnamon roll who's very loyal and protective to her friends.

i am very gentle and childlike, and i love kids and just having some fun after a long day (that could mean going outside or just chilling at home with any time of shenanigan, it depends)

//i am also a walking crackhead,,, i am very silly//

i am more of a peacekeeper of the group, as i don't like conflict and tension. so when it a situation does come like that, i tend to be more calm and composed.

i love to read books, actually, i love to learn almost about anything that would interest me. languages, cultures, politics, histories, philosophies, are just one of my favorites. i also love to write! i write for my school newspaper and have been joining competitions in the recent years now. while i love writing essays, i have a special place in heart for stories. speaking of which, i love really love stories. i love listening to them as much as i love reading them!

i also love art! my skills are far from great, but i enjoy doing it from time to time and learning about them as well. A lot of people tell me I'm really good with advices and comfort due to my empathetic nature. I love a good debate every now and then, so long as it's civil.

for music, i mostly listen to classical (mozart and beethoven) and disney/broadway, but i love jazz and rock as well! I also indulge in listening songs from the past because of this, so long as it has great lyrics and a beat. for shows and movies actually, anything with a good story basically, but i have a soft spot of disney. I love indulging documentaries as well!

lastly, I'd rather discuss deeper conversations and topics rather than do small talk because of my introverted nature. like gimme your mind amd thoughts about the world and beyond kind of talk.

((ahh i feel like i wrote too much :")) and i would like to apologize for it))

thank you so much in advance! hope you're doing well and keeping safe! :))✨

Hi @latte-is-late ! Thank you for being so patient with this. I know I've probs kept you waiting a long time, and with everything going on, I appreciate your patience most! You absolutely didn't write too much, so no need to apologize! Also, I'd love to have you in my chat/inbox more often bc omg we have so much in common and I'd love to be friends pls <3

For Marvel/MCU - I ship you with Steve Rogers/Captain America !

i love my golden boi so much honestly, so this will be fun for me

first, Steve is ultimately a peacekeeper first, making the ultimate sacrifice to put himself in the ice, but that doesn't make him one-dimensional, bc as we see w Bucky (excluding Endgame :/), he's willing to go to bat for anyone he deeply cares about

he loves your choice in music so much, especially the classical/older stuff. he missed out on a lot of pop culture from his time in the ice, so I feel like trying to catch up on music in our era would be a little overwhelming. BUT bc you can listen to music from the past, this gives him smth to connect w you on

clumsy dork = scott lang energy and I refuse to believe that Steve and Scott weren't best friends. Steve often gets painted as like the wet-blanket mom-friend, and sometimes, he can be. so the fact that you can be more relaxed and more childlike helps him unwind too. it shows him that he doesn't have to be the big, mature tough guy all the time, and that he's safe to have fun w you too

as much as you want to learn about new things, Steve is right there with you. I think he has just as big a thirst for learning, but he doesn't get to indulge in it that much, so whenever you're learning about a new topic, he's more than willing to help you study it, or be learning it right alongside you

also art! drawing each other! posing for each other! encouraging each other in your artistic pursuits! he'd love looking at whatever art piece or writing piece you were working on, and he'd be so happy to listen to you talk about it. like this boy would have literal stars in his eyes omg

also Steve would love Disney/Broadway and no one can convince me otherwise. like the man is a walking Disney prince so

overall, y'all just care so deeply for each other, and want to invest so much into each other that a relationship between you two is incredibly fulfilling. times when he's on missions are hard, but he always comes back to you, ready to decompress and ready to jump back into spending time with you. he's just so devoted to you and you'd be equally devoted to him

#marvel #mcu #steve rogers #steve rogers ship #steve rogers x reader #x reader ships #x reader

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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The mistakes we're going to make (Jan/Jackie) - Meggie

A/N: Hey all! I had the pleasure of writing this little gem for Molly for our gc’s gift exchange. I really enjoy writing this dynamic, and I hope you all enjoy it too! Thank you to Mac, Mia, and Alex for prereading for me. Y'all are the real MVPs.

Summary: when i look at you, all i can see are the mistakes we’re going to make (the future’s so bright)

They’re graduating high school tomorrow night, but all Jan can think about is her calculus final and whether or not she can scrape by with an A.

She’s done the calculations approximately 47 times (and had Jackie check them over nine more because Jan’s shit at math now apparently), and she knows she has to make an 82 on the final to pull an A in the class. And that will get her an 89.5 which rounds to an A. She’d rather not cut it that close, thank you very much.

To anyone else, a B would not be the end of the world, but it would be Jan’s only B. Ever. To get out of high school with a perfect GPA, an unblemished transcript, a perfect record… That’s been her goal ever since she graced the hallways of R.P. Charles High School three years ago.

So after finishing Ms. West’s history final, she pulls out her calc book and dutifully studies her notes. They’re meticulous, her rounded penmanship in stark black ink. She purses her lips and wonders if she has enough time to redo them in colored ink according to her color-coding system.

Behind her, Brita mutters to herself and furiously erases a sentence in her essay. Written responses have always been her downfall. To Jan’s right, Gigi takes a mirror out of her purse and retouches her lipstick.

“Why are you studying?” Gigi whispers. “You literally just finished a test, and it’s a half day. We’re done after this.”

“Yeah, but my calc test is tomorrow, and Ms. Hytes is not as lenient a grader as Ms. West.” Jan sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

Gigi pulls a face. “God, why’d you even take calc? You didn’t need the credit.” Gigi had taken personal health instead of a math class. She said their final was about sexually transmitted infections, which apparently is the new name for sexually transmitted diseases.

Jan shrugs. “I wanted to be—”

“—valedictorian, yeah, I know,” Gigi finishes. “Well, anyway. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it?”

At the front of the room, Ms. West clears her throat and widens her eyes at the girls. Gigi sits back in her desk and primly folds her hands. Jan is free to once again study her notes, but Gigi’s last words still sting.

She had only taken calculus because it was an AP class, guaranteed to get her extra GPA points she would need to wrap up the valedictory. What she hadn’t counted on was being terrible at calculus.

Sure, geometry hadn’t been a walk in the park, but trig had been a piece of cake. So she figured that with a little bit of extra studying, she could carve out an A and stake her claim on the title of valedictorian, something she’d wanted ever since she had learned what the valedictorian was. (Kindergarten. When her parents had taken her to see her cousin graduate. And the pretty girl at the front had gotten up to make a speech in front of all her classmates, and everyone had to pay attention to her for a whole ten minutes while she talked about things that were important to her. Jan wanted that.)

But in March after third quarter grades were calculated and the honors had been announced, she’d ended up salutatorian, literally two hundredths of a point behind Jackie Cox. It had been a two-man race between her and Jackie all throughout high school, but the difference had been that damn calculus class. Jackie had an A; Jan had a B.

Jan’s parents had doted on her just the same as they would have if she’d been valedictorian, taking her to dinner at her favorite restaurant, celebrating with cake and sparkling grape juice out of the champagne flutes usually reserved for New Year’s Eve, but Jan couldn’t help but sense a little tinge of disappointment behind their smiles. Close, but no cigar. She’d still give a speech, but it would be shorter, and no one really cared what the salutatorian had to say. She’d worked so hard for four years to achieve the top honor and now she had to stand back and watch someone else deliver her valedictory.

Even if that someone was her very close friend.

There’s a certain closeness that develops between students when you take all the same classes for four years, and Jackie Cox had been in all of Jan’s classes since freshman year. By design, their schedules had ended up being very similar. It helped that they were into the same extracurricular activities as well. They were both athletic, both involved in student government and the debate team. They even both participated in the spring musicals: Jan onstage in a lead role, Jackie backstage as part of the tech crew.

But as their friendship grew so did their rivalry, at least on Jan’s part. She’d always seen Jackie as a reminder that she had to work harder to be her best. With Jackie, everything always seemed so effortless. Her poise, her perfection, even the way she spoke and carried herself. Jan felt like she herself was constantly obsessing over everything she thought and said. When she looked at Jackie, she felt like the other girl just had a natural ease about her.

She’d tried for years to be more like Jackie. But the feeling grew especially deep after they’d received their first calculus quizzes in October and Jan’s was emblazoned with a fat, red D. Jackie’s, on the other hand, sported an A.

Ms. Hytes had asked Jan to stay behind after class so she could encourage her to either drop the class or consider hiring a tutor.

Failure was absolutely out of the question. So Jan asked for help. She asked Jackie for help.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for Jackie, she wouldn’t be pulling a B in calculus. Not at all. In fact, she probably would have failed out at semester.

So now that there’s this final that she has to prepare for, there’s only one person she trusts to help her study for it.

Jan catches Jackie in the hallway (their lockers are nowhere close because that’s the way life—and the alphabet—works, but Jan is good at getting what she wants), and asks her if she feels ready for the final tomorrow.

Jackie sighs, the exhalation blowing the dark curtain of hair off her forehead. “I mean, I think. I might look over my notes again tonight. You feel good about it?”

Jan laughs, high-pitched, a tell-tale sign of her anxiety. She hates that she wears her emotions like an oversized sweater. “No, actually. That’s kind of why I’m here.”

So anyway, that’s how they end up on Jan’s bedroom floor, calculus books open in their laps, a plate of chocolate chip cookies and glasses of Dr Pepper set aside because Jackie is a Professional when it comes to this whole studying thing.

(That’s probably why she’s the valedictorian and you’re not, a hateful, nasty voice whispers in the back of Jan’s head. Because she’s dedicated to studying and you’re worried about whether or not she likes your cookies.)

She won’t think about the fact that for the past six months, she’s also been concerned about whether or not Jackie likes her.

It’s not exactly something she’s prepared to deal with.

Jan’s dated before, of course, but they’ve always been boys. And now, all of a sudden and by some act of whatever god exists, she finds herself having a massive crush on Jackie.

So she’s bisexual. It’s fine. She’s had years to deal with this, and she’s always kind of wondered.

Honestly, she’s chalking it up to academic jealousy.

Jan just wants to be like her, that’s all. It has nothing to do with the way her long, dark hair cascades in waves down her back, or the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs, or the way Jackie had caught her backstage right before opening night of Carousel and grasped her hands and told her to break a leg and knock them dead and basically be the best Carrie anyone had ever seen before kissing her cheek.

Except it totally does.

“So to compute the three-by-three you have to multiply A by the two-by-two determinant of the matrix,” Jackie says, marking something in her notebook. “Now, how do I get that?”

“Huh?” Jan asks stupidly, brought back from her reverie by the question. “God, I’m sorry. I’m just…” She scrubs her hands down her face then immediately regrets it because her eyeliner is now definitely smeared. “I’m out of it.”

Jackie nods and presses her lips together. She breathes in quickly like she’s going to say something, but changes her mind at the last minute. She taps her pencil on her notebook.

“Sorry I’m wasting your time,” Jan says sheepishly. “You can go if you want…”

“No!” Jackie says quickly. “No, it’s not that. I just… I’m just wondering…” She sighs. “Things have been kind of weird between us ever since spring break… Since the honors were announced, and I just…” She shrugs. “I guess I just want to know if you like, hate me for being valedictorian over you.”

Jan gasps. “I could never hate you.” She hadn’t known that her disappointment was quite so palpable. Then she decides that Jackie deserves to know the absolute truth. “I was disappointed. My parents expect a lot out of me, and they… They’ve been pushing for this since, like, forever. I just didn’t want to let them down.”

Jackie’s eyes widen. “Salutatorian is letting them down?”

Jan shakes her head. “You don’t know my parents.”

“No. But I think I kind of understand. ” Jackie closes her book and pulls her knees into her chest. “You know my parents immigrated from Iran, right? So like, the American dream? That’s all they want for me. And that includes college. A good one.” She laughs. “My mom wants me to be a doctor.”

“What do you want to be?” Jan asks quietly.

Jackie’s quiet for a moment before she shakes her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think anyone’s actually asked me that before. Isn’t that wild? I’m 18, and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

Jan shrugs. “We’re 18. I don’t think we’re supposed to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives.”

“I know one thing I want to do, though,” Jackie says, smiling. “When I get to college, I’m going to kiss a girl. I’ve always wanted to. I mean, I know I’m gay so like. That’ll be nice.”

“You can’t do that here?”

“Are you kidding?” She scoffs. “My mother would kill me. And that’s before my dad finds out.”

Jan shrugs. “You could kiss me. If you wanted.” Her cheeks fill with color. She’s never this brash, this forward. But the opportunity had presented itself and she’d taken it. “I mean, or not. Whatever. It’s fine—”

“Jan.” Jackie’s looking at her, dark eyes narrowed as her hand creeps up to cup her chin gently, and Jan has just enough time to gasp in a shock of air before their lips meet softly, tenderly, slowly meshing together. Kissing Jackie is so much better than kissing any of the boys she’s ever dated before.

Jackie pulls away far before Jan wants her to, and she’s left wanting more. She shudders a sigh and opens her eyes slowly.

“Wow,” she says.

“Yeah,” Jackie replies, brushing the hair off her shoulders. “That was… Umm. We should probably study, though.”

“Right. Of course.” Jan blushes again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Distract you.”

“Jan…” Jackie’s hand falls softly over her knee. “We can kiss more when we get through matrix determinants, okay?”

Jan isn’t sure what it is, but something about this new teaching method suddenly makes perfect sense.

She makes a 93 on her final and finishes the semester with an A.

#rpdr fanfiction #jan sport #jackie cox #jankie #high school au #lesbian au #meggie #submission #s12

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joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 6 years

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AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT’S MAKI’S BIRTHDAY

And because of that I was thinking about Maki a lil bit and one thing I really like about her is just how much all of her good buddies mean to her, especially given how unsupportive her parents are. I say that, but this’ll go a little more in depth than just that. Her SID is also worth reading, as it provides some insight into her that the anime totally ignores and that I’ll be mentioning in this essay-esque thing.

Rich girl characters often have super carefree parents with such endless wealth that their child can literally do anything, but Maki’s parents are strict and controlling. Her entire life has been lived under the pressure of her parents, who basically force her to be the best at everything so that she eventually meets their goal and inherits the Nishikino General Hospital.

Long story short, Maki hates this and discovers her true passion in music. Alas, even her piano playing is something that her parents treat as irrelevant, caring little for it as a whole and actually being condescending of Maki when she fails to place 1st in a recital.

So we get to high school, and Maki’s only ever really had one friend. Unlike most rich girl characters who have literally endless confidence, Maki struggles to really interact with anyone. That one friend is kinda irrelevant though, so let’s move on. By high school, Maki has no friends and realises that her passion for music is meaningless. Regardless of what she does, she’ll inherit a hospital and have no time to focus on piano. And her passion for music is lost anyway, because despite how tsundere Maki is, she definitely wants to share her passion with others. She’s never had the opportunity though, due to her total lack of friends. And with no friends, who can she share that passion with?

Maki meets Honoka, who compliments Maki on her piano skills and her voice. Maki’s never actually been genuinely complimented on her skills, because her parents are tools, so when Honoka asks Maki to compose a song, Maki does it. She really wouldn’t have done so had her shitty parents complimented her, but this feeling of someone actually appreciating Maki for her passion? Maki can be told all her life that she’s the prettiest girl ever and that she’s so smart and she’ll be a great doctor, but that’s irrelevant to her. She loves piano. She wants to be complimented for her piano skills. Basically, thanks Honk (HonoMaki when please?)

And so we get μ’s. Blah blah blah, happy fun times, blah blah blah, we stay at Maki’s beach house, an actually nice gesture from her parents, and blah blah blah, Nozomi effectively forces the still fairly introverted Maki to open up to the other members. Shit’s good fam. Maki actually has character development, and it’s good at that.

So there we have it. Maki’s found the opportunity to truly enjoy and share her passion with people that she loves and who love her.

In one of Maki’s SIDs, her papa finds out about μ’s, and gets all pissy when Maki gets a 68% on a test when it should’ve been higher, but Maki was too distracted by idol shit. At this, our little tomato pretty much gives up hope. She knew it couldn’t last forever, but she’ll be forced to quit μ’s. All that time she’s spent enjoying her passion with the people she loves, she’ll lose it, because dad’s a bit of a cunt. But the other members of μ’s actually convince dad to not be a cunt? Well great, now Maki only loves and appreciates y'all more because of the lengths you’re willing to go to to defend her. Remember - Maki’s never really stood up to her dad. She just accepts that she’s going to inherit the hospital and that her passion can’t be fully pursued. But she’s got her wonderful buddies to help her. Aren’t they just great?

I like to think that in the future, Maki pursues her interest in the piano, the confidence she got from her friends being the catalyst for her standing up to her father, but that’s just me.

Basically, Maki’s actually a really fucking good character, and way more than just another tsundere. Unfortunately, the anime avoids a lot of her good aspects, but she’s loveable all the time. Making rich characters relatable is often a fairly difficult problem, due to several of the problems they encounter being easily solved by many, and the other problems devolving into cliché. But I’d be a damn liar if I said Maki doesn’t feel human.

And if that’s not enough, she’s cute as fuck, has some really good cards in SIF, and she’s unquestionably the best singer of both groups.

Fam, I just love Maki Nishikino.

#19.4.18 #maki #love live #essay tag

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kpoprambles00-blog · 5 years

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BLACKPINK (블랙핑크) - KILL THIS LOVE (2ND MINI ALBUM) [COMEBACK REVIEW]

One thing we can all agree on is that the past few months in K-Pop have had NO CHILL WHATSOEVER.

SERIOUSLY. There have been so many fucking comebacks for me to try and keep up with - THE SPRING COMEBACK REVIEW LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE THREE PARTS LONG. YEAH.

But I've got two big albums to cover before we get into that whole set of shenanigans - I'll say it now, they're both girl groups. (Being blatantly honest, I'm not interested enough in BTS to do a full comeback review of Persona; "Boy With Luv" will be in the spring comeback review.) And this is the first one - BLACKPINK's first comeback since last summer.

Now, of course, I want to admit before we start that I am a Blink. I do like BLACKPINK quite a lot. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to write this whole review from that perspective; I'm going to do my best to be as equal and open-minded as possible here. Yes, there will be some fangirling on my part, because I can't help it. But I'm going to do my best to remain as impartial as I can. It's more fun that way!

I've admittedly put this review off for long enough (because finals are a bitch), so let's not fuck around any longer and finally take a look at Kill This Love.

1 - KILL THIS LOVE [TITLE]

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...okay, so I know I said I'm going to be as impartial as possible here, but... I did also say there would be a bit of fangirling, so let's get that out of the way first, shall we?

Holy mother of FUCK this is going to be a contender for my song of the year.

From a Blink's perspective, I do not get a single ounce of the hate for this song. It fucking SLAPS. Did y'all hear that brass line, or are we listening to different songs?? Because while a good brass line is a surefire way to get into my heart, it gives the song so much raw power and poise that it's impossible for me to hate this. Hell, it's impossible for me to even dislike it. This is the first comeback I've actually prepared for, which included me watching the V LIVE stream the hour before the video came out. So I was already hyped. And then "Kill This Love" managed to meet pretty much all of my expectations! I was... super impressed by that. I stand by my opinion that I shared on Twitter a few weeks back; this is BLACKPINK's best title track by far, and one of the best songs they've ever released. Whilst "DDU-DU DDU-DU" admittedly wore off on me a bit over time, I don't know if that's going to happen with "Kill This Love". Every time I listen to it, I get just as hyped as the first time I heard it. It's fucking amazing.

But now, let's be more impartial and look at it from a musical perspective. Why do I like it so much, whilst others detest it or say it's nothing special? Well, I feel like that's mainly because of the structure. I've heard so many different people say that "Kill This Love" feels like an absolute mess; it has no consistency or flow, and just feels like multiple songs mashed together. And yet, some of the most popular and well-known songs in K-Pop are examples of that trope - look at Girls' Generation's "I Got A Boy"! I don't think I've ever seen someone who dislikes that song. I even love it! It knows what it wants to be, and has fun with it. And yeah, I wouldn't say that "Kill This Love" has fun with its concept - it... moreso wants to break your door down with its power and charisma. WHICH IS COMPLETELY FINE BY ME, BLACKPINK CAN STEP ON ME.

But to go off on a bit of a tangent real quick, because of the huge rise of social media (and most importantly, stan culture), hate is going to seem more prominent than ever - especially with a group as big as BLACKPINK. But that doesn't mean you can't like "Kill This Love" for what it is. I love seeing people discuss what they do and don't like about a song, because that promotes healthy discussion. But throwing around hate for the sake of it is what really bugs me; and unfortunately, I did see a lot of that with this comeback. But sometimes you just have to brush it under the rug and enjoy what you enjoy. If you don't like this song? Great! That's your opinion. If you love it just like I do? Fantastic! You also have an opinion! Basically, don't be a dick to someone who doesn't agree with you.

ANYWAY, back to the song. I see what people mean when they say it lacks structure, but that's exactly why people like "I Got A Boy" so much; it subverts your expectations, and feels so distinctively... K-Pop, if you get what I mean. It's meant to be flashy and in-your-face; the labels behind these songs couldn't give less of a shit about structure. It's something that the genre is known for, and something I quite like to see when it's done well. One problem I do have with this song, however, is its ending; I do feel like it ends too quickly, although I'll admit the problem goes away the more you listen to it. The more accustomed you become to the song, the more you expect the ending and the less abrupt it feels.

But hey, lack of structure or not, all four of the girls sound great here! Jennie sounds fantastic in her lower range (as she always does), Lisa's rap is just as charismatic as it's ever been, Jisoo sounds downright royal, and Rosé? Man, this is Rosé's ERA. Her vocals here are so powerful and charismatic that I honestly love watching loops of her parts from live performances. She suits this concept so fucking well.

The lyrics are pretty alright, too. They give off this very conflicted vibe of being in a relationship that you know is dangerous and probably quite bad for you, but you actually like the danger, and want to stick around regardless. I'm not even going to get into the whole controversy that came up with the lyrics and photobook pictures, because I've rambled enough as it is. If you take the lyrics at a superficial level - as they were probably intended in the first place - they're an interesting spin on a typical breakup/love song. And for once, I don't feel like the English sections are out of place! That's definitely an achievement in my eyes.

There's no answer to this test, I'll always fall for it I'm a slave to my emotions Screw this heartless love

I know it already feels like I've written an essay's worth of content, but that's just the song and lyrics. What about the choreography here? Do I like it as much as the song?

Spoilers: yes. I do.

This routine is just as powerful as the song it's choreographed for. It's not mind-blowing or anything, but it's definitely great in my eyes. There are so many little details and hand/arm movements that definitely tell you that Kiel Tutin was involved; which, yeah, we already know he was. It's a trademark of his style. And goddammit, it WORKS here. Every single little beat is hit or at the very least touched upon, and it's super satisfying to watch. I don't think I could imagine another choreography to go with "Kill This Love"; this one just seems so well crafted and has so much effort put into it that I wouldn't WANT any other choreography. This one is perfect. It's powerful, it's sassy, and it's exquisitely detailed. Sounds great to me!

And I don't care if it's been said a million times: Rosé's hair is the 5th member of BLACKPINK. THEM EXTENSIONS THO.

All in all, "Kill This Love" knocked it out of the park for me. It met - and honestly surpassed - all of the expectations I had going in, which were already sky-high. I really hope this is the standard BLACKPINK adhere to in the future, because I'll be a very fucking proud Blink if they do.

2. DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO [SUB-TITLE]

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Next, in what's seeming to be a tradition for BLACKPINK, we have the side track - "Don't Know What To Do". And I'm going to say it straight away - no, this shouldn't have been the title track. It works best as a side track, in my opinion. The song is nice, yes, but title track material it is not.

What it IS, though, is a surprisingly emotional yet upbeat breakup song. The more natural elements are a nice surprise, with the acoustic guitar chords and finger snaps adding a nice sense of flow. There's also the fact that those synths in the chorus make this a pretty anthemic song, since the chorus just explodes after the great build-up in the bridge. The way the instrumental dips in and out is particularly effective. "Don't Know What To Do" almost reminds me a bit of G-Dragon's "Crooked" in its tone; you know, you listen to it for the first time, and think it's a party song. Then you look up the lyrics and you realise that it's not.

But the biggest thing giving away that this is actually a breakup song is the girls' vocals. All of them sound surprisingly emotional here - Jennie even sounds like she's going to burst into tears at some points! (Hopefully that's not actually because of her own breakup, which, if it is, then dammit I want to hug her.) There's also the fact that Rosé's doing her best Avril Lavigne impression in her first chorus, which is honestly SUCH a great sound for her. It's making me hope her solo has a rockier edge to it... Lisa's raps are still quite steady and have a good flow, but are surprisingly toned down for her - and her vocals sound great too! And Jisoo basically carries the choruses, if you ask me - her falsetto gives them that extra melodic hook they need, and she sounds fantastic.

The lyrics are quite good, too! Just like the song, they're surprisingly emotional, and focus on some of the smaller details (which is something I always like). They've got just the right amount of emotion to them without feeling overdone, sappy or cringey.

Wondering if the phone might ring I hate myself for anticipating [it] uselessly The tick-tock of my clock is especially bothering me

But thanks to this song's status as a side track, we've got choreography to look at here too. And... I may just like this just as much - if not even more - than "Kill This Love"'s choreography. And THAT'S saying something.

This routine is the definition of satisfying to me. It's so... dynamic, so fluid, and with so many little details and extra bits that they didn't have to add. But they did. And it's SO much better for it. There's a lot of floor sections, which means it must be fucking exhausting to do (especially since BLACKPINK normally seem to sing live in some shape or form), but the girls look effortless regardless. It's a very unique routine, and one that just gets better and better every time I watch it. I keep finding new little details, and that just makes it even more enjoyable for me.

So while I don't think "Don't Know What To Do" is title material, it's certainly fantastic as a side track. Hell, I'm glad it's the side track, because it means we still got to see choreography for it. It fits in very nicely!

3. KICK IT

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With both promoted tracks out of the way, we still have two new songs and a remix to look at. And the first of those two new songs is "Kick It", which the girls actually ended up performing as part of their set at Coachella. But while I do like the song - it's fun, with a nice chill vibe in places and a powerful one in others - it's... probably my least favourite song on the album. But that's just because I like all the other songs so much! So don't take that as a bad thing. I just find it to be pretty standard.

"Kick It" makes ample use of a really strong bassline in its instrumental, as well as some interesting drums and guitar melodies. But the bass is particularly strong here, and it'll be one of the first things you notice if you're listening with a good pair of headphones. The melody honestly has a really nice rhythm in places - it can change from being quite slow and steady to a little quicker and even quite anthemic towards the end. That chanting English section before the final chorus is awesome. The girls definitely supplement this power with their vocal delivery; Lisa's rap in particular is really nice. In all English, too! And it's not cringey, which is... certainly new for BLACKPINK.

Speaking of English, the lyrics for this song have about as much of it as you'd expect. It's used pretty frequently, but never feels out of place or unneccessary, which is always good. And the lyrics themselves are alright; they're pretty much what you'd expect from any empowerment anthem, but they're certainly fitting of BLACKPINK's overall image.

The dark night might take me away But now I can dance for myself I'll jump over the wall that is you

But yeah, "Kick It" is a song I honestly don't have a lot of opinions on. It's a good song, for sure. But it just feels very... normal for BLACKPINK at this point, for lack of a better word? It's the sort of song that you'd expect from them nowadays, and while I do like the song quite a bit, it's nothing too special. I still recommend giving it a listen if you're interested, though.

4. HOPE NOT (아니길)

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Ironically enough, we're going from my least favourite song on the album to what's probably my favourite. Yeah, I love "Kill This Love" to bits - but I'm not including that here. Out of all the side tracks on this album, "Hope Not" is the best of them. Straight up.

That says a lot considering how minimal this song really is; all it's really got is the girls' vocals, some harmonies and an electric guitar riff in the background. But that's all it needs. Then you look at the credits for this song and you realise why it probably works so well - Lydia Paek was involved in the production of this. And she definitely knows what she's doing. Hell, I like her cover of Taeyang's "Eyes Nose Lips" more than the original. She's talented as shit. And I'm delighted to see her create something for BLACKPINK, because "Hope Not" is gorgeous. It's actually a really well-done ballad, one that's not too caught up in its own misery and expecting us to take it seriously. It's very real and sincere, whilst being emotional and heartfelt at the same time. There's a lot going on here, which you wouldn't think from just listening to the instrumental.

The girls once again sound surprisingly good here; they showed their emotional sides on "Don't Know What To Do", but I actually like the approach here just as much. They're not quite as emotional vocal-wise on "Hope Not", but the approach each of them takes with their performance is really damn pleasing to listen to, ranging from hushed melodies in their lower range to more emotional belting in the choruses. It's a great contrast, and sounds gorgeous when you put it all together. Unfortunately, my main problem with this song also lies in the vocals - the autotune. It's just not needed. It's making Rosé sound like she's either slurring her words together or singing underwater. Possibly both. You can hear it very clearly in a few places, and for a song that's attempting to be a lot more natural and stripped back, it really, really doesn't work. Especially when it's so thick. But I'm glad to say that's my only problem with the song; the rest of it is all excellent in my eyes!

Especially when it comes to the lyrics. I might need a plaster for my heart after reading them, because ouch. Yes, this is a breakup song, a ballad - but it's certainly an unconventional one. Instead of talking about how depressed the breakup has left them feeling, or being angry at their ex, or being empowered now that they're on their own again, "Hope Not" actually has a really sweet sentiment behind it. They don't know where their ex is now, or who they're with. The girls are just grateful that the relationship happened. And whilst they admit both parties made mistakes in the relationship itself, they hope their ex doesn't forget them and the times they had together.

OUCH. MY FUCKING FEELS.

For you, I'm okay with being hurt Since I only gave you pain during the time we were together But you, the love you want You need to meet someone better than me, and be happy But I hope not to the point where you forget me

I don't give a damn if you find that cheesy or cringey, I think it's sentimental as fuck, and a really damn good piece of songwriting. Overall, I find it to be more effective than "Don't Know What To Do" in terms of emotional power; it's more powerful than any slow song BLACKPINK's done, even if there aren't that many of them. This is their best yet.

I don't think I have to spell it out when I say I love this song to bits. It's probably my most listened-to song on the album, besides "Kill This Love". It just stands out so much, both because of how much it can do with so little, and because of its phenomenal lyrics. It's goddamn gorgeous, and a serious contender for my side tracks list at the end of this year. 😊

5. DDU-DU DDU-DU (뚜두뚜두) [REMIX]

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To end off the album, we have a remix of "DDU-DU DDU-DU". Because of course we do, it's YG, what would you expect at this point?

But this is actually alright in my eyes, because this remix is actually fucking awesome. I've seen a lot of people say that they don't like it, but as someone who listens to EDM pretty regularly, this is my shit. It did feel a bit messy on the first listen, but there are some parts of this remix that are so goddamn hype, I'm majorly pissed they didn't perform it at Coachella. Seriously. THIS WOULD'VE SLAPPED, WHY DID YOU NOT DO IT. Although apparently they were performing it on their NA tour, but it was just as an encore. Why. I'd love to see some switched up choreography for this, please YG I'm begging you. ;-; (The electric guitars they added in sounded AMAZING though. Like wow.)

The more you listen to this, the more you get into it. For real. Jennie's rap section is honestly better than the original version, purely because of that use of the 808 bass. My jaw was on the goddamn floor listening to it for the first time, that shit went HARD. There's not really much else to talk about here - if you want to hear my (albeit very hyped at the time) thoughts on "DDU-DU DDU-DU" I talked about it back in my autumn comeback review last year. The remix is just a better version of it, if you ask me. It's got so much hype behind it that I can't help but love it.

And that's the entire album! Unfortunately BLACKPINK's albums are so short and few and far between that I feel like I need to savour each release. But now that they're really gathering momentum in the West, maybe - just maybe - we'll get another comeback this year? I mean I don't want to curse it, but a bitch can dream. 💀

ALL SOURCES FOR THE ENGLISH LYRICS I USED IN THIS REVIEW: Kill This Love Don't Know What To Do Kick It Hope Not (아나길)

COVER IMAGE CREDITS: Edited photo frame from KILL THIS LOVE album cover - me (yes I'm crediting myself here because bitch it took FOREVER) Camo background BLACKPINK PNGs - Soshiloverexid on deviantArt

#BLACKPINK #블랙핑크 #kill this love #comeback review

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