#this is definitely a cynic's answer but also

[utilitycaster]

I really like Taliesin elaborating on the inspiration from the 90s LA punk scene, in which he said a lot of the people he knew were just people looking for hope in a world that has been incredibly unfair to them. It's a very empathetic view towards people who, as he said, often are dealing with injustice and disadvantages.

He also mentions that many of these punks were dealing with drug and alcohol problems (and while he did not want that to be central to Ashton's character and wanted to focus instead on chronic pain for a number of reasons, including personal, Ashton definitely relies on alcohol for palliative reasons). More generally, we see Ashton look for hope and answers in a lot of places that end up being extremely incorrect. The most obvious one is with the shard of Rau'shan, which, after multiple people advised them against taking it with very clear warnings, they decided to still attempt to absorb, with nearly-fatal results; but there were flashes of this with their earlier cynicism towards Eshteross vs. a much more begrudging acceptance of the transactional worldview of Ratanish or Jiana Hexum.

Ashton often places his own pain in a position of honor, and in doing so can discount that of other people. He's been remarkably unlucky, to be clear; I think that's part of it. We as the audience know that their statement that no one in that room has felt helpless in their lives is demonstrably false about pretty much all of Vox Machina and their allies, as well as the Bright Queen. He says Keyleth maybe does know, not realizing that of Keyleth and Vex, one has been a homeless runaway rather like himself, and it's not the one he's saying knows helplessness. In a way, to hold on to that hope, they find themselves telling themselves a lot of lies because otherwise they have to face the truth that their suffering did not make them more qualified or better; it was just unfair and it might still keep happening. He blames the gods because then at least there's a reason and not just absolutely random chance that he was born to a self-important cultist, happened to survive a long-shot ill-advised ritual and wake up in the desert of another continent, happened to be the one thrown out the window of Hexum Manor, and happened to be saved with a Potion of Possibility. To be clear, they've since made a name for themself on their own merits, but a lot of who they are, both in terms of the traumatic and difficult elements and in terms of what now makes them special was dumb luck, good or bad.

For Ashton, for those LA punks Taliesin knew, for the Vanguard and for Ludinus and for countless people in Exandria and in our actual world, a lot of grasping for hope becomes grasping for a meaning for pain and suffering. I'd argue that this is a pretty major theme Taliesin explores with all his characters. However, just because the pain is real doesn't mean the conclusions one comes to as a result of it are inviolate and above reproach. It is possible to have extremely valid pain and trauma and to be incredibly wrong about its source or what it means, or to deal with it in ways that will either make it worse or that will inflict pain, even inadvertently, on others. And I think the theme of the campaign is very much that; what happens when someone either chooses to or must let the decisions they made to deal with a moment - or a life - of pain be writ large on both themselves and the world?

[wayward-dreamer]

Hi, I was wondering if you could write a story where soilder boy is dating Y/n, and they start talking, and he asks her if she thinks he would be a good dad. Which leads to them talking about starting a family together. And then one of them says something along the lines of "Why don't we try now?" Then it turns into smut. If not it's okay, thanks!

Father Material

Pairing: Soldier Boy x F!Reader

Word count: 1,468

Summary: Curiosity from the public and media has Ben expressing his dream to be a father. Y/N wants to make his dream a reality.

Warnings: Swearing, some angst, mentions of SB's nefarious actions, smut: dirty talk, rough sex, breeding kink.

A/N: This request has been in my inbox forever, so I apologise for long it took! I hope you like it Layla! Happy reading! :) Thanks to my besties/betas @hintsofhoney and @makeadealwithdean for looking over this. Sorry not sorry for killing you hehe

also there's plenty more Soldier Boy content on the way because apparently I've become an SB smut dealer lmaooo

“Do you think I’d make a good father?”

That was the question that sparked the sex marathon they had been in for hours now. Given that he was a supe, Soldier Boy had the stamina for withstanding just about anything, and if he had it his way he could probably last well into the night. She on the other hand was flagging quickly, the downside of being 100% human, but she really couldn’t bring herself to tell him to stop. Not when he always knew just how to make her toes curl and her body quake with euphoric bliss. He may have known what buttons to push to get her going, but that didn’t mean their encounters were predictable. They were far from it, and that day was no exception.

The day started out like any other. He had meetings with hero management, followed by filming a commercial for Cracker Jack, which then led to interviews with different channels. She finally stepped out of their penthouse that night to join him on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, draped in an emerald green dress to match his suit, complete with gold accessories. Usually interviews weren’t really her favorite thing to do, but being America’s golden couple meant that they needed to be seen in public in order to keep that status. So they did what they always did. They laughed and joked with quick-witted Carson, charmed the audience and made the nation fall deeper for them with each caress of a hand or sweet kiss. Some may have thought it was just for the cameras, those cynical spectators that didn’t have any business commenting on what goes on behind closed doors, but they both knew the truth about their relationship.

They were in love. They had been since the moment he propositioned her in the elevator of the Vought American building, leading to one of the wildest nights she had ever had. Most would call it lust, but when you understood someone on a deeper level like they both did, it was most definitely love. A warped, messed up kind of love, but nonetheless, that’s what it was. She wasn’t stupid; she knew the kind of man he was, what he had to do during the war, and in Vought’s name since he joined their roster. She knew there were some off the books black ops missions he had gone on, even if she didn’t know the details. She heard the rumors about Dealey Plaza, too. She knew that he was fucked up despite his God fearing, all-American persona for the public, but she didn’t care.

In order to love someone like that, she had to be a little fucked up too. Well, more than a little.

Despite distracting everyone with their incredible charisma, questions of settling down and starting a family came up, and she knew she had to think of an answer fast when she saw Ben’s face go blank. With her biggest grin, she turned to Carson and said “Well, if anything happens Johnny, you’ll be the first to know!” They covered it up with hearty laughs as the audience joined in, along with the host, before he thanked them for their time to raucous applause.

The drive back to the Vought building was quiet, her concern growing for him until his words: “Do you think I’d make a good father?” broke the silence.

“Why do you ask?” she questioned in return, softly as to not scare him from broaching the subject.

“That fucking Carson,” he muttered, staring out the window at the bright lights. “I just… I guess he got me thinkin’, that’s all. Forget it.”

She wasn’t going to. She knew there was something he wanted to tell her, something he wanted of her, and she needed to know what it was.

“Thinking about what?”

“Thinkin’ about… about how I’d do it better than my father ever did,” he confessed. “We’d make some perfect fucking kids, that’s for damn sure.”

She smiled softly, her hand curling over his as she slid across the backseat and pressed herself against his side. She nuzzled her nose along his jaw, leaving small kisses along his stubble as she reached his ear, her breath fanning against the shell as she whispered her own desire to do the same.

“Then let’s start right now.”

And that was how they found themselves in their bedroom twenty minutes later, with her holding herself up on her quivering hands and knees as he pounded into her from behind, his fingers digging into her skin with a bruising hold as his pelvis smacked against the curve of her ass. He had contorted her into every position possible since then for the last couple of hours, with barely a few minutes to breathe between each romp in the sheets. She had lost track of how many positions, and she was about to lose count of how many times he had spilled inside her, both of them getting closer to that release once more.

“Oh god, oh god!” she moaned wantonly, her forehead pressed against the mattress as her hands fisted the sheets. She was completely unbothered about how loud she was and the fact that people had probably heard them by now.

“No need to bring him into this, doll,” he chuckled, the sound broken up by his groans of pleasure. “Just me and you here…”

“You’re so fucking cheesy,” she mumbled, a guttural whimper escaping her at a particularly angled thrust against her g-spot.

“You fucking love it,” he countered, smirking as he suddenly pulled out of her.

Ignoring her whine of protest, Soldier Boy flipped her over onto her back and grabbed her legs, bending her in half as her calves rested on his shoulders, sliding back into her tight heat with a quick, hard thrust. The sounds that left them were nothing short of pornographic, as he began to pick up the pace with each push of his hips against her. He squeezed his eyes shut as her walls clenched around his throbbing cock, both of them balancing on the edge of their blissful climax, ready to go over at any minute.

“So fucking good, so fucking perfect, Y/N,” he growled, their faces close as he leaned over her. “You love the way I fuck you, don’t ya?”

“Yes!” she cried out, nodding frantically as she stared up into his green orbs. “Love the way you fuck me… you fuck me so good, Ben. So deep, and hard, wanna feel it for days.”

“Oh you will, sugar,” he groaned, between rough kisses against her lips. “Gonna fill you up, make you feel so full, make you full and round with my babies. You want that?”

“Yeah,” she breathed.

“Fuck, yeah you do,” he husked. “Tell me, tell me you want it.”

“I want it, I want it so bad, Ben,” she whimpered, the sound practically a sob with how desperate she was to finally let go. “I want you to fill me up, give it to me.”

“Cum for me, doll, soak my cock,” he said, looking deep into her eyes.

Y/N finally felt the dam breaking as a loud, shrieking moan escaped her, her walls contracting around his shaft as her arousal spread over him. He grunted loudly, his hips snapping harder against her, as he tried to hold himself back. His eyes fluttered, about to close, but her hands on his face stopped him, making him pay attention to her as their gazes locked. As she had with each time he had reached his peak that night, she stroked her thumbs along his jaw, slowly nodding her encouragement and desire to feel his seed deep inside her.

“S-Say it,” he stuttered, his neck straining as he held on just a little longer. “Fuckkk, s-say it-”

She bit her lip, knowing how it drove him crazy, before she parted them and uttered the words that sent him over the edge at the end of round that night.

“You’re gonna be a great dad… better than your own.”

Soldier Boy threw his head back, the veins in his neck pressing against his skin as he let out a guttural moan, his cock pulsing deep inside her tight canal. She moaned softly as she felt the warm spurts of his cum coat her walls, filling her up as he had done several times that night already. They both breathed heavily, trying to calm their racing hearts, neither of them wanting to move away from the other. He buried his face in her neck, planting soft pecks along her pulse point, bringing a smile to her face as they basked in the afterglow.

Both of them hoped that it wouldn’t be too much longer before their dream became a reality.

[vexwerewolf]

hey, I saw a post reblogged around hating the whole idea of no kink at pride and wanted to understand why that was, but noticed the comments were turned off, so I'm asking here. for reference I dont know very much about the subject and had the general idea that pride should be an all ages space, BUT (the but is very important) since I dont have much knowledge on the subject and can see you are very opinionated around it, id like to know why that is your stance from, well, someone who actually holds that stance.

No pressure to answer I simply want to understand why others hold this stance, the potential history behind it and if I am looking at things the wrong way, a chance to change my opinion

I hope all of this comes across correctly because im not trying to start internet discourse, just learn and have a well rounded understanding of a subject before taking a more solid stance

CW: discussion of sex, homophobia, kink, common anti-kink lies

Okay so if you're not read up on queer history, you have to understand that "deviant," "indecent" or "degenerate" sexuality is an accusation that's been used to repress queer people for pretty much as long as the concept has existed. It has often extended so far as to encompass any form of sex that isn't missionary cishet boning for the purpose of procreation, but it has always and by definition encompassed any and all ways that queer people have sex.

Now, I want to be clear that the LGBTQ+ community is not entirely about sex. Our community touches love, passion, art, gaming, basically every sphere of human experience, but it also includes sex. A lot of queer people like to have sex! Queer people, however, are judged for having and enjoying sex in a way that straight people simply aren't.

It's important to note that the concept of "degeneracy" is a vital component to white supremacist repression of queer people, because it inserts the necessary moral proposition that allows sex between two consenting adults to be labelled as harmful. As cynical as I am about the general public, it's actually pretty difficult to convince the average person that gay sex is something the government needs to repress in and of itself; any argument to this effect needs to come packaged with an additional, vaguely credible concern about social corrosion.

This is much easier to do with kinksters, because kinksters are weirder-looking than shirt-and-slacks queers (who, to be clear, are equally valid). But it's still difficult to make the average member of the public balk, because they'll say "well that sure is freaky but so long as they're doing it in private, who gives a shit?" So long as the people you're trying to stir up hate against aren't doing anything illegal, the average member of the public is gonna think you're the weird one for digging into other peoples' private sex lives.

Thus, the easiest avenue of attack is Pride, where it isn't in private. But it's a fucking deceitful canard. Straight people never have to answer for public displays of their sexuality, which are often far more gratuitous than some dude walking around in a pup mask.

[on-my-vigilante-sht]

Moving on to You

Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Summary: Aaron finally tells his longtime crush about his feelings when he almost loses her (Sequel to Move On)

Warning: jealousy, pining, awkward dates, canon level violence, non-accurate medical stuff

Word Count: 4.5K

Masterlist

A/N I've had this in my drafts for months and I finally decided to finish and publish it per request

Aaron Hotchner is the definition of levelheaded. He’s renowned in the FBI not only for his success rate at catching criminals but also for his professionalism. And snapping a pencil with his fist whilst staring at his subordinate through his office window as she smiled up at an unknown agent was incredibly unprofessional. He knew this wasn’t the first man she had gotten to know over the past year but this was the first time he was forced to actually witness her flirting with another man.

He knew he had no right to be jealous, their relationship had never progressed beyond friendly in the year that Y/N had been on the team. Still he couldn’t help but feel the slight clench of pain in his chest every time he saw her smile at her phone or overheard one of her conversations with another team member about a new guy.

Nonetheless his professionalism prevailed as he began to review potential cases. He noted one regarding a serial killer just outside of DC, setting it aside to pass onto Garcia.

~

The next morning the team was assembled in the conference room as Penelope relayed the information about a killer who had been targeting strippers. Although Aaron’s attention was on Y/N as he observed her clearly exhausted body language. Probably a date night with that agent, he thought cynically.

Soon enough Penelope was done speaking. “We’ll head out in 30. Meet in the garage then,” he ordered as the rest of the team. He was headed out towards his office when he stopped as he heard Morgan’s voice.

“Up late with the new boy toy?” Derek teased.

“I guess you could say that,” Y/N answered casually. “I’m not seeing him anymore.”

“Wait why?” JJ asked suddenly. Similar to what Aaron wanted to ask.

He was still turned away from the group but Aaron could practically hear Y/N’s shrug. “Just weren’t clicking anymore.”

“What was he into something weird? Like a foot fetish?” Derek asked with full seriousness.

Y/N laughed. “I’m not answering that.”

“So he was!” Derek shouted as she passed Aaron down to the bullpen.

The rest filed out of the conference room as Aaron continued to pretend to be busy with the file. “She’s single again,” Rossi sung quietly.

“I am aware and I don’t see how that affects me,” Aaron tried to deflect.

“Oh come on, I see the way you watch her. I also noticed a broken pencil in your trash can. Did you Hulk-out when you saw her with that agent yesterday?”

“Wait why were you in my office?”

“Doesn’t matter. The point is she’s single, you’re single, and you’ve been in love with her for the past year-”

“No I haven’t,” Aaron suddenly cut in, sounding like a teenage girl. He cleared his throat. “I’m not in love with her. Besides she’s my subordinate-”

“And you don’t want anyone to think she’s on the team for the wrong reason blah, blah, blah,” Rossi finished. “You said that a year ago. Besides, at this point, no one would think that. You deserve to be happy, Aaron. Get out there and get the girl!”

With those words Dave left, leaving Aaron in his thoughts. Could they actually be together? Would she even want him?

He pushed those thoughts aside, getting ready to head out with the rest of his team. Including the girl who consumed his every thought.

~

“I’m SSA Hotchner, these are SSAs Jareau, Morgan, Rossi, L/N, Prentiss, and Dr. Reid,” Aaron introduced his team to the town’s sheriff.

“We appreciate you guys coming so fast. The people here aren’t used to this type of crime,” Sheriff Osborne explained, leading the feds through the police station.

Aaron tried to listen to the sheriff’s information but rather he was keenly aware of all the police officers stares. Pushing through it, the agents followed the sheriff into a conference room that would serve as their setup.

“Alright, JJ and Reid, head to the medical examiner. We need to figure out what exactly he���s doing to these girls. Morgan and I will go to the clubs these girls were working, see if there was anyone who stuck out to the other dancers. Rossi and Prentiss, head to the most recent crime scene. L/N, I want you to work on the geographical profile,” Aaron ordered.

That last order raised an eyebrow for everyone on the team. “But… Reid usually does the geographical profile,” Y/N suggested gently, a confused twinge in her voice.

“Yes, well since it seems you can’t stop talking about your personal life I figured it’d be best if you work alone for a little while.” The second those words left Aaron’s mouth he instantly regretted them. Y/N looked taken aback by his rude words but having never questioned his authority she just lowered her gaze to the ground. Looking around the other members of his team looked aghast at his words too. Aaron’s soft spot for the newest agent had been noticed by everyone on the team (except of course the agent in question) so seeing him be so outrightly rude was jarring. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, especially not humiliate her in front of the team, but he was so frustrated having to hear the others question Y/N on her love life around the office and in the car.

Seeing that he shouldn’t continue barking orders, Aaron turned to exit the room, the rest following. Unseen by him was every member of the team giving Y/N sympathetic looks.

Once buckled inside their SUV, Morgan began to question his boss. “What was that with L/N back there? We all talk about our personal lives all the time and it’s never affected our work, Y/N included.”

Aaron sighed, really not having a good reason for his outburst. “She brought that agent into our office unauthorized. He shouldn’t have even had access to our floor.”

“So you yell at her a day later in front of an entire precinct?”

“Morgan, drop it,” Aaron said sternly, not wanting to continue this. Seeing as there was no point in continuing, Derek kept his mouth shut but the ride to the club was tense the rest of the way.

~

“Hey, sorry about your boss,” a voice interrupted Y/N’s intense concentration on the map in front of her. She whipped her head around to look at him, a little startled. Seeing her alarm the young officer took a step back. “Didn’t mean to scare you, just thought you might like some coffee.”

“Hmm? Oh! Thanks,” she said, her brain catching up to his words. She took the coffee gratefully, taking a sip. It was made wrong but not wanting to seem ungrateful she gave the officer a smile.

“Thought you could use it after your boss treated you so badly,” the officer empathized.

Y/N sucked in a breath. “You saw that, huh?”

“I think everyone saw it,” the officer chuckled awkwardly. “I’m Officer Olson, but you can call me Cole.” Y/N took a second to observe the man. He wasn’t necessarily her type, her having a thing for the dark, brooding types, but he was certainly attractive.

“Agent Y/N L/N,” she introduced.

“So what are you working on, Agent Y/N L/N?” he asked, saying her name flirtatiously.

She let out a small laugh at his tone. “Um it’s called a geographical profile. We take every significant location like homes, workplaces, abduction sights, crime scene, disposal sights, etc. to get an idea of these killers comfort zones. Which often leads us to where they will either strike next, where they live or work, or what their holding place might be in cases where victims are abducted.”

“Wow, this profiling stuff is crazy. I’ve heard you guys can tell someone’s entire life story from just one look,” he teased.

“I don’t know about that but yeah, you can learn a lot about a person from just a conversation if you pay close attention.”

“What can you tell about me?”

Y/N looked him up and down. His body language screamed that he was interested in her but she didn’t want to embarrass him too much. “You have the confidence of a youngest son and let me guess, you were in a frat in college?” The officer blushed, surprised she sussed that out so quickly. “You’re here as an officer for glory and you got it, the people here already admire you. You actually got the chance to move onto something bigger, probably DC, but it’s easier to stand out in your small hometown.” Cole just stared at the pretty FBI agent, slightly mortified that she saw through him so clearly. His first instinct was deny it but something about her made him think twice. She just smirked at his silence. “Gotcha.”

Before Officer Olson could say anything, two other FBI agents walked into the room. “Careful L/N,” Rossi interrupted the pair, “Hotch was pulling up as we walked in.”

“Guess I better go,” Cole said sheepishly. “Nice to meet you Agent Y/N.” She couldn’t help the smile that found it’s way onto her face at the use of her title and first name.

“Damn, already moving onto a different guy?” Emily asked with a chuckle.

“No, he just came in and introduced himself,” Y/N brushed off. Emily and Rossi both just hummed in disagreement.

As the BAU chief walked in he didn’t notice the burning gaze of Officer Olson. What he did notice was the way Y/N seemed to shy away from his very presence. As he stepped into the conference room his heart clenched when she met his gaze but just turned away, busying herself with the board that showed the geographical profile.

~

After a fitful night of regret, Aaron decided to apologize to his young agent in the morning. But as he opened his door to his crappy motel room into the crappy hallway he could hear two voices.

“Thought I’d bring you some coffee that didn’t come from an old police station coffee pot,” a masculine voice flirted.

“Thank you,” came the giggle from Y/N. Aaron practically groaned to himself. This couldn’t be happening again.

“I was wondering… if you’re not too busy,” the voice changed, gaining a nervous lilt, “if you’d like to get dinner with me on a slower night before you and your team leave? I know you’re actively chasing a serial killer so it doesn’t have to be fancy.” The voice seemed to have caught themselves, changing their pitch. “O-or it can be really fancy! Whatever you want! I’m not picky I-”

“I’d love to have dinner with you,” Y/N’s calming voice interrupted, putting the boy out of his misery. “We can do tonight. Just grab something easy and nearby.”

“Ye- yeah, I’d like that.” Aaron internally rolled his eyes at being able to hear the bright smile in this guy’s voice. “I’ll uh see you then.”

“See you later.” Aaron sighed internally, hearing the door to Y/N’s room close softly. She had been single for what? 24hours? And he had still lost his opportunity? Deciding that his emotions were running too high to talk to Y/N right now, he just let his door fall back closed, deciding to just get ready for the day.

~

“When I graduated from the FBI academy I was placed in the Human Resources branch because of my psych degree. Obviously, that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do so when I heard about an opening in the Behavioral Analysis Unit I jumped at it and fortunately my boss, Hotch, was willing to take a chance on me. Agent Rossi and the rest of the team pretty much taught me everything I know,” Y/N explained as her date stared at her in awe.

“Wow, that’s quite the resume you have,” he chuckled nervously, taking a sip of his drink. “I’ll admit it’s been a long time since I went on a date where the girl’s career was more impressive.” Y/N quirked her eyebrow at that but didn’t say anything. “Not that it’s an issue, just not a lot going on around here.”

She just hummed looking down at her food. She tried to covertly push away the peas in her food, not wanting to insult Cole’s food choice.

There was an awkward beat of silence between the two that was fortunately broken up by Y/N’s phone ringing. She felt a sense of relief reading her boss’ name flash across the screen. “Hey Hotch,” she answered.

“L/N, where are you?” his stern voice cut to the chase.

“Um, this place called Vincent's with Officer Olson. It’s like 15 minutes from the station. Why?”

Aaron pushed through the reoccurring pang in his chest. “Some other officers cornered our unsub, James Stevens, in a strip club. He’s holding five girls hostage inside.”

“Where is it?”

“125 North St. 5 minutes east of you.”

“I’ll be right over,” Y/N quickly cut in.

“L/N, do not engage before the rest of us get there. Got it?”

“Yeah, I understand,” she agreed begrudgingly. She hung up the phone, already collecting her things. “I have to go, the unsub is holding a group of girls hostage inside a club 5 minutes from here.”

“Oh shit,” Cole exclaimed, grabbing his things and leaving some cash on the table. The pair quickly jumped into their respective cars, lights and sirens blaring as they headed to the club.

As soon as Y/N jumped out of the SUV several officers flocked towards her. “Scene is yours agent, what do you want to do?” Sheriff Osborne asked.

“Any shots fired? Do we have confirmation the girls are alive?”

“Snipers have eyes on three of the girls and we have no reason to believe the other two are dead. Upon entering he fired randomly, killing a few patrons per witnesses. Thing is, when he took control he let every man leave but held all the girls.”

“Okay,” she acknowledged, trying to figure out what her next move would be. Based on the profile she knew he was negotiable but if he felt any sort of threat he’d go down guns blazing, taking down anyone he could. “I’m going in to talk to him.”

“I can’t let you do that,” Cole’s voice suddenly interrupted. He had grabbed Y/N’s arm, looking at her with pleading eyes. She just stared at him, confused before sliding her arm out of his grip.

“Agent, shouldn’t you wait for your team?” The sheriff’s voice interrupted the awkward encounter.

“This guy’s going to get more agitated and unstable the longer we wait. I’m going in now,” she said, pulling the gun out of her waistband and handing it to the sheriff. “And don’t let anyone in there until I call for it. We could lose a lot of lives if we spook this guy.”

The sheriff nodded as she approached the door.

~

“Agent L/N is entering the building,” crackled over the radio as Hotch and the rest of the team raced through the streets.

“What?” Aaron’s mind was going a mile a minute. “Repeat that,” he called over the radio.

“Agent L/N has entered the building to begin negotiations,” the police reporter called over the radio again.

Derek stared at the radio in shock from the passenger seat. “Hotch-” he began, wanting to slam his foot on the gas.

“I know,” he said, already pressing the car to go faster than they had been going previously.

They arrived on scene in record time, Hotch barely taking the time to throw the car in park. He was immediately heading for the door, not bothering to get all the information he would normally wait for, too set on getting the woman he was in love with out. “Stop him!” he heard a sudden shout. Several officers flocked to him in an effort to block his path. Whirling around furiously he found a desperate looking sheriff. “Agent L/N said that if anyone goes in there a lot of lives will be lost. And I’m guessing your agent would be one of them.”

Aaron wanted to pull rank and argue but he knew the sheriff was right but he was desperate to get his agent out of there safely.

“I tried to stop her,” an officer interrupted. Aaron recognized the voice from the hallway. All he could muster was an annoyed look before turning his attention back to the sheriff.

“Do we have a line of communication?”

“Yeah, we have Stevens on the phone. No one’s talked in a while though, we’ve just been listening to your agent try to calm him down.”

Soon enough the BAU chief had the phone. “Agent L/N, exit the building, that’s an order.”

It took a second but he got a shaky, “Not gonna happen, Hotch.”

“L/N-”

“You heard the lady,” a new voice cut him off. James Stevens. “She doesn’t want to leave yet. C’mon, let me keep her for a little while longer?” he pleaded sarcastically. “The pretty girls rarely keep their clothes on nowadays. Agent L/N is a breath of fresh air.”

Aaron clenched his jaw at his words. “We can work something out James.” Covering the microphone he leaned over to one of the officers. “Tell the snipers to take the shot of they get it,” he whispered.

“Come on you know there’s no walking out of this a free man, just let us walk out and we’ll talk this out,” he heard Y/N’s voice. There was a minute of silence and Aaron could only imagine what the psychopath inside was doing. “At least let the girls go. I’ll stay, I’ll be your collateral.”

“Agen-” Aaron immediately began to reprimand.

“Shut up!” James shrieked through the phone so loud Aaron had to pull it away. “Fine,” he heard more quietly. “You five, go! You stay.”

Once again Aaron covered the microphone. “As they’re coming out, go.”

~

All the girls started immediately scrambling up, heading for the door. It happened so fast there was hardly time to register it.

The first girl reached the door, wrenching it open. She was immediately met with a wall of SWAT officers. They pressed inside, guns up as the girls shrieked and scrambled away. “No!” Y/N heard herself shout, going towards them. Mistaking her attempt to salvage the situation as an effort to escape, Stevens was on her in a second.

She felt a sharp pain pierce her abdomen as he tackled her to the ground. She then felt him slump against her before being quickly pushed off, a SWAT officer kneeling over her, calling for a medic.

~

“Agent down, agent down,” Aaron heard the report come over the radio. He was immediately tearing away from the phone, running towards the entrance of the club. But Rossi intercepted him before he could go inside.

“I know, I know, I heard,” Dave tried to calm down his friend. “But EMTs just went in and you don’t need to be in the way.” Aaron began to protest but was cut off again. “I know it’s hard to watch the woman you love be hurt again but Y/N will be fine.”

Before Aaron could continue arguing he caught sight of Y/N being rolled out on a gurney. Dave let him go as he followed the EMTs to the ambulance. But before he could climb in the same officer from earlier ran up. “I-I’m her boyfriend,” he explained as he tried to climb up into the ambulance.

With those words Aaron nearly snapped. Despite his insecurity in his place in Y/N’s life, he knew that was a complete fallacy. She would never move that fast with a complete stranger. “Officer,” he caught the young man’s attention.

Cole visibly paled seeing Y/N’s boss. “A-agent Hotchner.”

Satisfied with the boy’s scared shitless expression, Aaron turned back to the EMT’s. “SSA Aaron Hotchner,” he introduced, pulling out his badge. “This is my agent and I will be accompanying her to the hospital.” And with that, he sent Officer Olson one last glare before climbing in.

Upon entering the ambulance the EMT stepped out, shutting the doors. As he took a seat, he realized his agent was still awake, albeit in agony. “Y/N? I’m right here,” he said, taking her blood soaked hand. Her shirt had been removed, allowing him to see the stab wound that had been tightly wrapped with blood soaked bandages. “I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault, Aaron,” she said through gritted teeth, her face twisted in pain as they hit a bump in the road. “I’m so cold an-and tired.”

He couldn’t help but notice the way she said his first name. It was refreshing, almost a relief, to hear his name come from her lips. “Hey, no just stay awake for a little while longer. We’re almost to the hospital.” Y/N just nodded, tears of pain and fear running down her cheeks.

“Why’d you come?” she suddenly asked. “I thought you hated me.”

It physically pained Aaron to hear that. “I’m so sorry I’ve been treating you the way I have on this case. I just couldn’t help but…” Aaron hesitated with the next words. He didn’t want to be vulnerable but she deserved the truth. “…be jealous.”

That took Y/N’s mind off of the pain. “Jealous?”

Aaron hung his head. “Yes, I-I’ve had feelings for you ever since you joined. I understand if you want to take some time away after this or even transfer to another team of your choice. I just thought you were owed an explanation for my behavior.”

“Y-you’ve had feelings for me for that long?”

Aaron squeezed her hand again. “Please don’t make me say it,” he asked but inside, he’d humiliate himself a million times to make up for what he did and earn her affection.

“Just this once,” she requested, tears pricking her eyes, whether from pain or emotion. “I need to be sure it’s not the blood loss.”

Aaron sighed softly, admiring her face. “I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you for the last year.”

“I’ve felt the same about you,” she confessed.

“Say it,” Aaron pressed, his other hand now clutching onto their already joined hands.

“I love you, Aaron.”

A smile tugged at Aaron’s lips. He hadn’t realized how much tension had gathered and with Y/N’s confession it all dispersed. Reaching a hand up to her face he cupped her cheek, tangling his fingertips into her hair. “You’re gonna be okay,” Aaron promised. “You have to be okay.” But he could see her eyes slipping closed and he could feel how clammy her skin was. “You gotta stay awake, sweetheart. C’mon.”

“It hurts,” she groaned through half closed lids.

“I know, you’re almost there.”

~

It took a few hours of surgery and another couple days of rest in the hospital but Agent L/N was finally discharged to go home. Unfortunately, she had to have a caretaker for that period of time. Fortunately, her boss/the man who was in love with her, was more than happy to take responsibility for his agent.

“Almost there,” Aaron tried to soothe a very tired and pained Y/N. Taking a few deep breaths, she found the strength to hobble over to her bed with a lot of support from Aaron.

She let out a groan as Aaron helped settle her on the bed. As he gripped her hand, he couldn’t help but see flashes of blood, remembering that night in the ambulance. “I’m gonna grab your bag from the car. Be right back,” Aaron promised with a peck to her lips.

While grabbing her bag was a legitimate excuse, he really just needed a minute to calm himself down. He needed to remember that Y/N was safe, not lying on a surgical table or in the back of an ambulance bleeding out.

He quickly hurried back into her apartment after grabbing her bag, re-entering the bedroom. “Here you are,” Aaron said, leaning the go-bag up against her dresser which was placed next to the bed. “I guess I’ll um let you rest,” he murmured out awkwardly. As much as he’d rather stay over she probably wanted some time to relax. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Aaron,” her voice interrupted him as he turned towards the door. Pivoting on his heel, he looked back at her. “Can you… um… just stick around for a little while? Every time I closed my eyes when I was alone in the hospital all I could see was him.”

That surprised Aaron a bit but it felt as if his entire being melted. She wanted him to protect her?

“Yeah, of course,” he agreed. There was no place in her bedroom to sit so he settled on the end of the bed. “‘M glad you feel safe with me,” he murmured.

“I do,” she confirmed. “You’re like my personal bodyguard,” she said, recalling memories of him barking orders at doctors when she was in pain or when annoying officers came to visit.

“I’m glad,” he smiled. He helped her settle into a lying position before resuming his place at the foot of the bed, regretfully letting out a yawn. After all, being a personal bodyguard was exhausting.

She noticed his yawn and immediately began demanding he lie down too. “You’ve been up helping me for days. Help me by sleeping now, please.”

“I really don’t want to intrude,” Aaron excused. “You don’t need me accidentally hurting you.”

“You won’t,” she swore. “Please. I’ll feel better knowing you’re resting too.”

Sleeping with her did sound nice. An irrational part of him thinking he could keep her nightmares away by doing so. So he complied, sliding under the covers she had pulled back for him. As he settled, she scooted closer to him as much as her surgical wounds would allow. Until she ended up tucked under his arm, head resting on his shoulder.

“Sleep,” he murmured the order, thumb stroking her cheekbone. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Masterlist

[matan4il]

sorry if this isn't a good place to ask but you're one of the few blogs on here that has actually done any research at all on the subject and. yknow how the pro-palestine donation posts repeatedly give you the option to buy esims specifically. why is that? I've never seen any other movement where the donation posts had you buy esims for them. what fucking use *are* they? you can't eat them, drink them- you might be able to order food with them if it wasn't for the fucking war.

maybe this is cynicism on my part but i genuinely suspect they're being used by hamas to spread propaganda. why else would they need that many esims? but you definitely know more about this than i do.

Hi lovely, sorry it took me a moment to reply!

I can tell you that even before I got this ask, the eSims campaign struck me as odd and suspicious, based on a few basic things I know, but if I was going to reply to you on this, I needed to do some research about it.

To make this ask reply clear, by "connectivity" I mean the ability to either make phone calls, log onto the internet, or both.

Okay, so why did this campaign make me wonder in the first place? Because while there have been some connectivity problems for Gazans, from what I know, there was only one time when connectivity was down to a degree that would justify a campaign, even then it wasn't completely gone for good, because Israel has worked to restore connectivity to Gazans. But I also wondered whether, if the connectivity is down, an eSim would be the solution? And if it would be, why would there be a need for that many eSims? We're over 5.5 months into this war, that's almost half a year of constantly hearing how Gaza is about to starve, so are eSims really Gazans' biggest problem if they have no food and basic needs? But even if it was enough of a problem to merit a campaign, wouldn't there have been more than enough donations by now to have solved it to a considerable degree? Since connectivity was never fully gone for long, surely there's a limit to how many more eSims they actually need, at least at certain points in time? From my experience with donating to Israelis displaced or affected by Palestinian terrorists (in this war, as well as during previous crises), there does come a time when you hear, "Okay, thank you to everyone donating X, we have enough of that, what we need now is more of Y, we would really appreciate you donating that!" But there has been no moment when we saw the eSims campaign saying, "We've had enough donations of this type, thank you, now please look more into donating X or Y, which Gazans currently need more."

And that led me to another question - if there is a certain scam involved here, what kind? Is it a financial one? Is this just meant to get money from the rest of the world feeling bad for Palestinians, and beyond the financial theft, it's harmless? Or is the money going to Hamas and people affiliated with it, which means it might be financing terrorism and the continuation of killing? Or maybe the scam is in allowing Hamas terrorists connectivity that can't be tracked as easily by Israeli security forces, which are trying to avert terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians?

I am not the biggest expert, so I don't have all the answers, but here's what I have managed to figure out.

So, first of all, connectivity requires physical infrastructure. Israel has been providing that for Gaza for years, in the form of underground cables and cellular antennas positioned on both sides of Israel's border with Gaza (source in Hebrew). The Oct 7 massacre initiated by Hamas and the following war have at times physically damaged this infrastructure, which is why Gaza has had less connectivity than usual (though it's not gone). The one time which was the worst, in terms of connectivity, the internet (but not all connectivity) was down from Friday, until Israel managed to fix things on Sunday (link above is the source for all this, it's an article from Oct 31, 2023. That said, Oct is when the most connectivity issues were reported). That means that Gaza was never fully offline except for that short period of Friday to Sunday. It also means the connectivity issues are not some plot to keep Gazans from telling the world about their plight (the way I've seen the eSims campaign presented on social media), or the connectivity would be totally down, and Israel would not do anything to restore it at any point.

And I'm pointing this out to explain one of two reasons why eSims being bought for Gazans might be useless as a solution to Gaza's connectivity if Israel was actually purposely harming it. (this following part is based on me reading way too many articles about eSim technology, those can be easily found everywhere online)

If the physical infrastructure providing the signal (which mobile networks use to provide connectivity) is physically damaged, eSim technology can't bypass that. Because eSim technology doesn't provide the signal, it just allows the owner of an eSim to easily switch between mobile networks without having to switch physical SIMs provided by these networks. That means, that for the eSim to work, there has to be some connectivity anyway. There also has to be connectivity in the first place in order to activate the eSim program paid for by someone outside Gaza (not to mention, they'd need connectivity to get the code, and learn that they're getting an eSim, and how to activate it). If Israel really was intentionally cutting off Gaza's connectivity by shutting down the physical infrastructure, as it's being presented online, eSims would be completely useless. You wouldn't be able to activate them, and you wouldn't have a signal that allowed you to use them. A campaign that misrepresents the basic facts (as if Israel is intentionally denying Gazans connectivity, or as if eSims can provide connectivity all on their own) is suspect to me.

The other reason why eSims wouldn't be a solution for many (if not most) Gazans, even if you do have connectivity, is that it also requires you to have an eSim compatible smartphone. The 'e' in eSim stands for 'embedded.' That means the technology that allows the use of eSims has to be embedded into the phone you're using, and then you can buy and activate an eSim. If you buy an eSim and wanna use it with a smartphone that doesn't have the required technology embedded, that's a bit like buying a wireless charger to use with an older phone that can only be charged through a cable (it just doesn't have the technology embedded that allows it to connect to and be charged by a wireless charger). The technology allowing the use of eSims has only been embedded in more recent phone models, which Gazans are less likely to have.

Regarding that last point, I wanna explain that, as mentioned in the above Hebrew link, before the war Gaza's mobile networks were all operating on 3G technology, even though most phones now operate on 4G or even 5G technology, which means it wouldn't be worth it for the average Gazan to invest in buying a newer phone, which is presumably more expensive than an older model. Especially if it's one that can't even connect to the older 3G network.

That's not to say there wouldn't be any Gazans with newer phones. The myth spread before the war for years called Gaza a 'concentration camp' or 'open air prison' as if people there have nothing (which makes vids comparing Gaza before and after the war particularly ironic. Either there was nothing before the war, and then the war didn't change much, or Gaza was a beautiful, thriving place before the war, and then calling it a 'concentration camp' was a Holocaust distorting lie). Here's the truth, there were indeed many Gazans who were poor and didn't have that much. But there were also Gazans who were extremely rich, the gap there was one of the biggest in the world. A lot of Israelis are familiar with the Twitter hashtag that documented wealth and luxury in Gaza before the war, TheGazaYouDontSee. It was based on an Arabic speaking Israeli Jewish woman following the social media accounts of actual Gazans, and sharing in English what they would upload, showing stuff like resorts, hotels, luxury cars that most Israelis I know can't afford. You know, typical concentration camp stuff. You'd have to scroll back in the hashtag a bit to find those older tweets from before the war, some have been captured and shared on Tumblr as well.

Where does the gap come from? Not all of it, but a big part is about who is in Hamas (and who isn't), who's affiliated with Hamas (and who's not), who gets some of the donated billions of dollars being poured into Gaza over the years and mostly stolen by Hamas, who gets some of the money coming from Qatar, who gets some of the money coming from Iran, and so on. In other words, the poverty that existed in Gaza before, existed despite how much money was being invested in it for years, and because of Hamas and Hamas-related thieves, making a profit out of it, while keeping sections of the Gazan population poor and without aid.

BTW, if there would have been a permanent ceasefire now, this would just be replicated. The world would donate more money than ever, and Hamas would steal almost all of it, with a big chunk going to the financing of terrorism (building terror tunnels we now know are more extensive than the NYC subway or the London tube, stocking up on rockets, drones, explosives, assault rifles, RPGs and more, which allow Hamas to continue to fight the strongest army in the Middle East and target innocent Israeli civilians for over 5.5 months) and the rest lining up their own pockets, enabling them to lead a VERY nice, comfortable, even luxurious life.

So which Gazans are the most likely to have eSim compatible smartphones? The rich ones, who are in or associated with Hamas.

And that brings me to the question of what's the real purpose of the eSims campaign.

One aspect could be the propaganda value of such a campaign. They're not just repeatedly asking people to donate money for eSims, many posts are asking for it, while insisting on the vilifying lie that Israel is keeping Gaza disconnected on purpose. It's a bit like the boycott campaign. Starbucks is not actually affiliated with Israel or Israeli policy, it doesn't even have any branches in Israel, it tried in the past, but had to close here. So why in the world would it finance anything Israeli? When an Israeli Prime Minister has to decide whether to finish off Hamas, so that hundreds of thousands of Israelis can safely return to their homes in southern Israel, he's not calling a chain of cafes that doesn't even sell anything in this country. The only current sort-of-link to Israel, is that the CEO is Jewish. So if Starbucks is boycotted and takes a financial hit, that has zero influence on Israel or its policies. Why then has Starbucks been targeted? Maybe partly because of the CEO, which is antisemitic. But most likely, it's because Starbucks is an easy to spot brand when pics of celebs are being taken, which allows people to talk about the boycott. And that's the value, it's a PR move, to get it into everyone's head that anyone associated with Israel should be canceled. To repeat it constantly regarding different celebs, until the message gets through, that the biggest monster in this world, and the one state that everyone should be united against, is the Jewish one.

The financial aspect. Again, I'm not a big expert, but I can't really see how, if people are being asked to pay eSim providers directly, this would be done for financial gain. I could be wrong, maybe there is some way to funnel the money to the people in the campaign instead of regular Gazans, but on the surface at least, I'm not sure how (since they're not asking for the receipts, just the activation code). It could still be about financial gain in the sense that the eSims aren't providing connectivity when the physical infrastructure is down, but they mean some Gazans haven't had to pay for their internet for a while. Which ones? Most likely, the ones in or affiliated with Hamas. I personally do not like the idea of terrorists launching a massacre that is the opening shot of a war, relying on all the donations they can steal after the end of the war to make it worth while, and then as a perk getting their internet paid for by strangers.

Then there's the direct value to Hamas, meaning the option that the campaign is meant to directly help Hamas' terrorist activity, or terrorist goals. Meaning, not only are the eSims going to people who are in or have connections to Hamas, the codes are sent to them specifically to aid them with harming Israel.

Why am I considering this option? For one thing, because we know that since the start of the war, Hamas terrorists inside Gaza have been directing terrorist activity outside of it. One example is a Palestinian terrorist squad, which was directed from Gaza, and was thankfully stopped before they managed to carry out the attack they were planning, and here's another similar example, of a terrorist squad made up of 13 Israeli Arabs, and directed from Gaza on how to carry out mass terrorist attacks, stopped thanks to documents the IDF found while operating inside Gaza. An attack that was successfully carried out and was confirmed as directed from Gaza, is the one where terrorists shot to death several people in Jerusalem, during what was supposed to be a truce between Israel and Hamas, during which Israeli hostages would be released (I heard this recently on TV, online I sadly only managed to find a source that these terrorists had a track record of being directed from Gaza). These terrorist directives from Gaza require connectivity, preferably of the type that Israeli security can't track.

And we do know that our forces do track Hamas cellular activity. For example, we've learned that on Oct 6, Israel discovered weird cellular activity in Gaza, where a lot of Hamas terrorists were activating (physical) Israeli SIMs, allowing them to connect to local networks once inside Israel. This led to a discussion of Israeli army seniors in the middle of the night, on whether this is a sign that something's up, but eventually it was concluded that Hamas terrorists have done this before, so the alarm was (unfortunately) not raised, and the massacre wasn't prevented. In other words, it's possible that eSims can help Gazan Hamas terrorists to direct terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians outside Gaza, and it's also possible that, when Hamas is continuously trying to breach the Israeli border, an eSim could help them if they make it into Israel, by not needing to activate an Israeli SIM, detectable by Israeli security. IDK that this is the intent, but for me personally, I would prefer to err on the side of caution, and be sure that I haven't unknowingly donated an eSim, that might have assissted in the murder of an innocent civilian.

I also mentioned directly aiding Hamas' terrorist goals, not just their activity. This terrorist organization dared launch its massacre, despite knowing the Israeli reaction would be fierce (as any country's would be if its citizens would have been so extremely brutalized), because it relied on using regular Gazans as human shields, then showing the world horror pictures, which would get everyone distressed enough, that they would overlook the massacre, and Hamas' vow to repeat it, and focus on demanding an immediate ceasefire, saving Hamas from being destroyed. We know Hamas uses "journalists," and some of these "journalists" are actual terrorists (generally, there's no free press in Gaza thanks to Hamas) and others to broadcast this narrative of horrors (that if successful, would lead to greater horrors). The eSims campaign has mentioned specifically providing connectivity to journalists, which means serving the ability of Hamas to go on inundating the world with images that fit the narrative it needs the world to believe, in order to save itself, and continue carrying out terrorist attacks (or God forbid, massacres).

Here's the relevant citation from the campaign site, which highlights providing Gaza "journalists" with eSims:

I'm not gonna tell anyone what to do with their money, but I'll repeat my personal POV. I do think we're all responsible for the money we donate, and we can't just give it away to causes that will make us feel good about ourselves, without making sure that the money won't end up in the hands of terrorists, and do real harm. The latter is our responsibility, even if we didn't know it will go to terrorists, because we should check and make sure that we know who the money goes to. The first responsibility we all have is, "Do no evil," right? Even the least awful scenario of what might be the driving force behind the campaign, is still one that financially compensates people affiliated with Hamas, and contributes to a false demonization of the Jewish State. But at the end of the day, this is an individual choice, that each person has to make for themselves.

I hope my reply helps! Sorry for the length, and hoping that you are doing well, and taking care of yourself! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[vendetta-if]

Hi! Sorry if you've already answered this but what does each RO feel and think about MC path of either Justice or Revenge? (Heir path)

(Love to see what everyone else thinks as well)

I'm just curious to know what Rin truly thinks about MC going for revenge, because I feel like he's a bit reluctant? But also, an heir to a crime family going for justice? (Giving him over to the police after getting enough evidence to convict him) I can't really see him approve that, either.

I'm also curious of what their "preferred" heir MC is, Ruthless or Merciful, admired or feared etc.

Am definitely curious to know how that affects Ash as well. I love my little psycho MC (Definitely some Jinx vibes going on there) but then I get concerned and worried when I see Ash being like "Whoa, so cool! Never seen a body rain blood before, awesome! Whoo, murder! 🥳"

Then i'm like "Wait... No, this is bad Ash, BAD! Blood rain isn't awesome! It's horrifying! It's literally what happens in the APOCALYPSE! That's it, we're going to have a long talk when we get home about Wrong and Right!"

...then later when she gets her birthday present she'll giddily ask Luka if she can try torturing him too 😭

I feel so conflicted when Ash asks MC about what she will do with the killer... Then says what he wants, which is exactly the same, so I can't really tell him not to do the same... But it makes me so concerned every time, and guilty.

I don't want to bring my sweet, beloved firecracker down and even darker path than the one we're already on 😭

Ash and Rin prefer revenge to justice (letting the justice system do what it was supposed to do a long time ago). Probably because of the families and environment that they’re both raised and live in, they believe retaliation against such personal slight should be taken into their own hands.

However, whereas Ash’s revenge might be explosive and impulsive as they chase the quickest way to personally get their hands on the one who wronged them, Rin’s revenge is cold and calculating.

It’s full of reckoning, scheming, and pulling of strings behind the scenes and they’re content to let others to do the dirty work. They don’t really care about seeing the one who wronged them face-to-face and kill them with their own hands like Ash does.

That doesn’t make their revenge less personal though, and dare I say, sometimes, their revenge ends up being more drawn-out and torturous for the poor schmuck. The true definition of “revenge is a dish best served cold”.

And Rin does prefer Ruthless MC in the sense that they both have a more similar mindset. Of course, they’ll still love Merciful MC the same, but being with such kind MC makes them highly protective of them since they don’t want to see them get hurt or taken advantage of.

They’ll do whatever it takes to keep MC safe behind MC’s back, doing the necessary things that Merciful MC might not have the heart to do themself. Same thing with Ash as well, which is why in the Ash/MC/Rin poly, Ash and Rin will actually become really close and trusted confidantes of each other because they—almost all of the time—have the same mindset and overarching goal.

Santana and Skylar, of course, prefer justice and letting the right people dispense due punishment. Although, a more cynical Santana might not be too opposed to MC having revenge as well since they’ve seen firsthand how corrupt and sometimes incompetent the system is; they can’t really blame MC and the Morozovs to want to take matters into their own hands.

And as for your last sentence about Ash… 🥺 They’ll gladly walk with MC down a darker path. They actually feel they are already walking down that path a long time ago, especially since they accepted working as the Family’s enforcer… 😥

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

jealousy, jealousy || Hyunjin x f!Reader

Summary: A guy hitting on you leads to an argument with Hyunjin, which leaves you completely confused, because nothing about that conversation made sense to you. And it takes you a little while, but the two of you eventually manage to work it out.

Word count: 5.2k

Genres: college AU, established relationship, smut

Warnings & Tags: hurt/comfort, jealousy, implied past toxic relationships, smut (vaginal sex), smut with feelings, lowkey sub!hyunjin but it's not super explicit

series masterlist

A/N: this is the same couple as in you're so gorgeous it makes me so mad, but both works can be read independently. Enjoy!

It’s sometimes hard to fathom how different you and Hyunjin are. You’re night and day, really. He’s famous on campus, loved and admired by the people around him, and you’re anonymous and unnoticed in any crowd you’re a part of. He’s light, joyful, an artistic soul; you’re cynical, a bit of a downer, and you live and breathe numbers. He’s also a people-pleaser, and a bit of an actor, a performer if you will, where you’re honest to a fault and what you see is exactly what you’ll get. He’s the softest soul you’ve ever met, and you’re all sharp edges.

And, well, when you want to support him, you go to see him dance and dazzle a fascinated crowd. When he wants to support you, he comes to see you logic the shit out of someone else at a mathematics olympiad.

Yeah, you’d told him not to come. He had insisted though, and he’d been in the audience, getting his fair share of looks, which you didn’t blame people for. How could you.

You hadn’t gotten much of a chance to speak with him, since your team had been busy from start to finish — which had earned you first place, by the way — and you could only hope that he hadn’t been deathly bored, though that seemed unrealistic. You appreciated the moral support, but you still couldn’t figure out why on earth he would have wanted to come in the first place.

It’s as you’re looking for him in the lobby that you’re approached by a guy that you recognize at first glance. Hyunwoo, if you’re not mistaken, one of your rivals in the competition. He’s smiling wide as he makes his way to you, revealing slightly crooked teeth.

“You were really impressive in there,” he comments, speaking a little too fast — shy, maybe?

“Thanks,” you say, “you weren’t bad either.” And it’s true, he’d been a worthy opponent.

No match for you and your team, sure, but good enough.

His smile widens and he shifts his weight nervously from one foot to the other.

“So, uh, which university do you go to again?”

You answer, but the question has you raising an eyebrow. That's been announced over and over again throughout the competition, so it’s a weird way of making small-talk. Unless he’s stalling for—

“Oh, that’s cool, I’m not that far from there, maybe we could s-see each other at some point?”

Aw, yeah, he’s hitting on you. That sentence came out all in one breath, and he seems very relieved to be done with it. Which, honestly, you find kinda sweet, cute even. You don’t really date within that crowd, didn’t even before Hyunjin — your experiences with men from that field have been… questionable —, so you’re definitely not interested, but you’ll—

“She’s taken,” an icy voice announces from behind you.

Ah, Hyunjin’s found you. You feel him against your back as he wraps you up in a hug in an unusual display of possessiveness. It throws you off a little bit, actually. Not that you mind, you very much don't care, but he tends to avoid being affectionate in public. He likes to keep things private, with much of his life being subject to gossip around your college even without any of that. You crane your neck to look at him. You were just about to tell Hyunwoo that you were taken, and based on the way he’s flushing, cheeks and ears and neck turning bright red, he’s already horribly embarrassed by the situation.

You’re opening your mouth, intent on letting him down gently, when Hyunjin’s eyes flicker over him, taking in his appearance — he’s not exactly looking stylish, but hey, you guys were here to be smart, not look good —, and then he sneers “What makes you think she’d be interested anyway?” with such a disdainful tone that you almost flinch.

Hyunwoo splutters an apology and flees the scene, but you tear yourself from Hyunjin, staring at him in disbelief. You know that he can get agressive when he’s angry, words coming out before he’s truly thought them through, but he’s not cruel. And that was— that felt completely uncalled for to you.

“You were great,” he starts telling you, just as you go “What the hell?”

Confusion flickers on his face. It’s like he doesn't even remember what just happened, and you’re at least as confused as he is.

“He was flirting with you,” he says. In other circumstances, you might have noticed the softness to his voice as he spoke, but you’re not really paying attention to that right now, searching his eyes instead for any discomfort, guilt, whatever — which you're not finding.

“Well that’s not a crime,” you reply, shaking your head. And what you mean by that is that flirting with you is not really deserving of getting your self-esteem crushed by someone who’s as attractive as Hyunjin is. You know all too well what it can do to you to finally gather up the courage to go talk to someone, only to be humiliatingly rejected. It does shit to you that you don’t think Hyunjin would understand.

He takes a step back like you’ve slapped him, folds his arms defensively against his chest.

“So I should be fine with someone flirting with you?” His voice is at a higher pitch than usual, and you don’t know what to make of it. You— What the fuck is happening to this conversation, exactly?

“I was going to tell him I wasn’t interested, and it’s not like he knew I was taken,” you say. You don’t know why you need to point that out. Obviously you weren’t going to entertain that.

“Well I told him first,” Hyunjin says, clearly growing more defensive by the second, and again, you don’t know why.

“Yeah, Hyunjin, but that was completely unnecessary. I mean, it was just—” you search for the right word for a second, don’t find it, “—overkill.”

He’s staring at you, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“Sorry if I don’t stand by while dudes hit on you,” he finally says, anger — you think? — seeping through in his tone.

“That’s not what this is about,” you say, because it isn’t. What are you doing wrong? What part of what you’re saying isn’t coming across the way you want it to? “My point is that you didn’t have to be so—” Again, you try to pick your words carefully. ‘You didn’t have to be such a dick about it’ is the formulation that comes to mind first, but that’s not something you would call Hyunjin, ever. That’s a line that you refuse to cross. “—mean about it.”

It comes out sounding weirdly insincere, maybe because it’s not as strong as what you’re trying to say, maybe because your sentence has lost its momentum by the time you finish it. Either way, it seems not to reach Hyunjin at all. His jaw’s set, his shoulders tense, and again, you have no clue where this went wrong.

“Fine,” he quips, lips now a straight line. “I guess I’ll just be mean elsewhere.”

And then he turns around and walks away, and okay, the two of you rarely argue, but this is such an unusual way for one of your conflicts to resolve, an almost childish one, and again, what the fuck?

“What happened there?” Seungmin asks, appearing next to you.

Boy, would you like to know.

“So,” Minho says in the middle of lunch, “what’s the deal with you and Hyunjin?”

You groan. A few days have passed since Seungmin asked you that very same question, and you’re still clueless.

“If I murder him because he’s too depressing to be around, I’ll make you help me hide the body,” Minho adds nonchalantly. He’s also a dance major, which means he’s been around Hyunjin way more than you have these past few days.

“Please stop threatening to kill my boyfriend,” you sigh.

Still, you don’t know what to answer. You and Hyunjin have been texting, you’ve seen each other around campus, but things have been… stiff. Awkward. Things are never awkward between the two of you. You know you’ll have to talk about it but it’s— You just wish you understood what was going on, so you could prepare yourself. As long as you don't, you want to avoid the talk, but without the talk you don’t know what’s going on and—

“I have no fucking clue,” you finally mutter. Seungmin glances up from his food. Usually he doesn’t care much for interpersonal drama, but he seems a little concerned this time.

“Explain,” he says.

Yeah. Maybe laying the facts on the table and trying to figure out a course of action is the best thing to do.

“A guy hit on me at the Maths Olympiad,” you say, “from one of the rival teams. Asked if I’d want to see him around but, you know, he was interested. And then Hyunjin arrived and was all ‘she’s taken’, which is fine, but then he said,” and the words are still clear in your mind, “’what makes you think she’d be interested’. And he looked at the guy like— You know.” Just one glance at Seungmin tells you that he does. You don’t look at Minho, because you doubt he has a clue. “Like he was repulsive or something.”

“So?” Minho says, and you sigh while Seungmin rolls his eyes.

“So it was shitty. The guy didn’t know I had a boyfriend, and having someone like Hyunjin tell him that probably made him feel like shit. It’s not easy for people like us to make the first move. No offense,” you add, nodding at Seungmin, and he grimaces in response. You know he agrees with you, because, well, he made no move whatsoever to get in his current relationship. It’s just this delightful mix of lack of self-confidence, social anxiety, and awkwardness that makes the process so fucking complicated.

You’ve dated more than Seungmin has, but you’d figured out early that people outside your branch of interest found you weird, too passionate about your niche interests, and then that the men within your field were pretty misogynistic for guys complaining about never getting girls, and then you’d stopped dating. So it hasn’t been great on your front either.

Seungmin’s nodding his head. He clearly sees your side of the argument. Minho, on the other hand, has leaned back in his chair, and he goes “Hm.”. So he’s about to tear you apart.

“It sounds like he just got jealous,” Minho says, and you almost laugh.

“Jealous of what?” Outside of the looks, this was a less than five minutes conversation with a guy, during which he made eye contact maybe once. There was no agressive flirting, barely any flirting actually, and certainly no physical contact. You’ve dealt with far worse — actually, you deal with far worse at almost every event you go to with Hyunjin.

Minho shrugs. He clearly has an idea, and he’s clearly not going to tell you.

“Think about it from his perspective. A guy hit on you, and you got annoyed at him for intervening.”

“I don’t care that he intervened,” you snap, “the issue was the way that he—”

“He might not know that,” Minho shrugs. Both you and Seungmin exchange a doubtful look, but it dawns on you that this might not be something Hyunjin would know about. You doubt it would happen to him in that way. You’re well-aware that he’s had shitty dating experiences, but this, that specific way of making someone feel completely undesirable, isn’t one of them as far as you’re aware.

So, as Minho stares at you intently, you sigh.

“Fine. I’ll clear things up.”

He nods, and you can feel his relief immediately. For someone who’s constantly threatening to kill Hyunjin, it’s kinda sweet, how much he cares for his well-being.

You're still trying to figure out how you're going to broach the subject with Hyunjin when, at eleven that night, there’s a knock on your door. You make your way there cautiously and pick-up the base-ball bat that you keep there — because this could be a psycho, ‘cause who shows up unannounced at 11 pm in the middle of the week —, but one look through the peephole has you putting it back down immediately.

Because when you unlock the door, you’re met with the sight of your shivering boyfriend. It’s pouring outside, so he looks like a drenched cat, soaking wet but still handsome.

“I-I wanted to—”

“Hyunjin, come in, don’t stay out in the cold” you interrupt him, hoping your voice comes off soft instead of demanding. “I’ll get you a change and a towel,” you add once he’s hesitantly made his way inside.

It doesn’t take you long to find a t-shirt and sweat pants he’d left at your place, while he stands awkwardly next to your kitchen counter. When you hand them to him, he thanks you, hesitates a second, then gets into your room to change. It feels a little weird, to see him do that, a weirdness you’re sure he’s felt too, but you suppose it would be just as strange if he didn’t do it, because things have just been— different, these past few days.

You’re waiting for him with the towel when he comes out.

“Come here,” you say gently, reaching for his hair.

You put the towel over his head, rubbing it gently against his scalp. Small droplets of water run down your arms, but you’re not really paying attention. Hyunjin bends to give you an easier access, face coming just inches of yours. His eyes are looking at you almost pleadingly, and you can’t help but notice that they’re slightly puffy, possibly from crying. That’s confusing to you, too — this was one argument, not a particularly intense one either, and in no way relationship-threatening, as far as you’re concerned. You know kissing him won’t fix anything, but you’re not trying to fix things, you’re trying to let him know how much you love him, how much you care about him, how much you’ve missed him.

So you do kiss him. He gasps into you, inhales like a drowned man finally coming to the surface. It’s his turn to get closer, body pressing against yours, and oh, he feels like coming home. Your fingers card through wet hair, pulling on it slightly, and this time it’s another sound he lets out. As tempting as it is to jump him right now, you know you have to put a stop to this if you want to have a productive conversation first — which would be the reasonable thing to do.

Still you can’t resist prolonging the kiss, pulling his lower lip between your teeth in a way that has him whimpering. His hands grab onto your waist with a bruising grip, and you feel his tongue brush against yours, hesitantly at first, like he’s not sure he should, then more daringly, pushing it into your mouth.

You — thankfully? unfortunately? — still have the presence of mind to interrupt the kiss before it gets any more out of hand.

“I’ve missed you,” you tell him softly. You see his eyes go wide. Like he's surprised. Shit, someone must have really done a number on him, huh?

“I’ve missed you too.”

Taking his hand in yours, you gently pull him towards the couch, where the two of you sit, though you don’t break physical contact. Instead, you sling your legs onto his lap and put your chin on his shoulder, not letting go of his hand. Hopefully he knows, that way, hopefully he feels safe, hopefully he can tell how much he means to you and that this— disagreement, or whatever this is, means far less to you than he does.

For a few seconds, he just stays there, unmoving, almost frozen, long black hair still dripping a little onto his shoulders and sticking to his neck, while you rub soothing circles on his skin.

“I’m sorry,” he finally blurts out. He’s not looking at you, instead staring at his hands on his lap.

“About what?” you ask gently, not moving an inch. The two of you had been mad at each other, but you don’t think it warranted this kind of reaction.

“I’m— I didn’t mean to be controlling,” he mumbles. “You can talk to whoever you want to, and it’s— I-I mean, there’s nothing harmful in flirting, and I trust you, and—”

“Hyunjin,” you interrupt him, and this time you take his face in your hands, cradling it. “I don’t care about that.” His eyebrows knit in confusion. “I don’t— I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you being upset if someone’s hitting on me, but more importantly—” You press a kiss to his lips, chaste and brief, then another, then another. “You’re the most important person to me. You know that, right?”

He nods, though the motion is hesitant. You’re well aware, by now, of how sensitive he is to any action that he perceives as a rejection or a form of disinterest. You’ve gotten past a lot of his previous issues, when even you saying you couldn’t make it to one of his shows could make him question things, but some things he remains fragile on.

“I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Of course I would shut down someone hitting on me, babe, I just didn’t have the time to do that.”

It seems to soothe him for a few seconds, and a deep sigh leaves him, body briefly relaxing, before he tenses again.

“Then what—” Now there’s a hint of fear in his eyes. “What did I do wrong?”

Okay. You need to handle this carefully. You lean back slightly, going back to holding his hands. The last thing you want is to make him feel like this is a battlefield, which is how you know some of his exes treated their relationship. You want him to feel safe with you, even when you have a disagreement.

“You know, people are constantly saying that you’re out of my league,” you say. His eyes widen, mouth opening to protest it, but you shake your head. You don’t lack self-confidence, but you know no one’s jaw’s dropping when you walk into a room. It doesn’t make you ugly, it just makes you, well, not Hyunjin. You're fine with it. There’s more to you than your looks, and you wouldn’t want people to be interested in you just for that anyway. You’re all too aware that a good half of Hyunjin’s issues in relationships come from that. “I don't care, but I got that before we were together, or—” Hm, this is getting into memories that sting a bit more. “Well, before I met you.”

Hyunjin swallows. It’s his turn to squeeze your hand, and the gentle attempt at comfort makes you smile. It encourages you to keep going, knowing that he’ll probably get it, and if he doesn’t, he’ll definitely try his best.

“Some guys I was, uh, interested in turned out to already be dating.” You shrug one shoulder. It’s not a big deal in and of itself, it’s something that definitely happens, especially if they’re people you run into at college parties. “So, some of their partners felt that had to make it clear to me that I was delusional to think I even had a chance with them. And it wasn’t just to let me know that the dudes were taken, it was to just— humiliate me.”

And it worked, too, at the time. Makes you want to give a hug to your former self, just thinking about it.

“So what I don’t get is why you’d want to do that,” you say, finally looking at Hyunjin again. “I know you, you’re never cruel to people. I wish you were less nice to some of the people around you. So why— why would you do that to a guy who, clearly, wasn’t a threat to you whatsoever?”

You find him staring at you, but he immediately looks away from you, cheeks and ears turning red.

“I’m sorry,” he says for the second time.

“I’m not mad,” you reply patiently. “I’m just trying to understand.”

He clears his throat, and runs a hand through his hair, which have started to dry by now. He opens his mouth, like he's ready to talk. And then he closes it again.

You tilt your head to the side. Okay. This is unexpected.

“It’s not like he wasn’t a threat,” he finally says under his breath.

Wait. Minho had a point? Hyunjin was jealous?

“What are you talking about,” you say more than you ask, trying not to sound like you’re in total disbelief — though you very much are.

“It’s—” He turns his head in the other direction, very much, very clearly blushing now. “He would get what you talk about, you know? What you do in class, your projects, your contests. He’s—” and he lowers his voice even more, muttering the last word like it’s personally offended him “smart.”

You can only stare. You almost want to laugh at what is, to you, an utterly absurd conclusion, but you, thankfully, manage to hold yourself back.

“Hyunjin, babe, do you think I don’t find you smart?”

There’s the hand in the hair again, as he lets out a frustrated sigh.

“No, it’s just— I don’t get it. When you talk about it with Seungmin, or— or when you try to tell me what you’ve been doing, or— you didn’t even want me to come to the Olympiads.”

“Because I thought you’d be deathly bored.”

Somehow, most of the previous tension has evaporated now that the issue's out in the open. You feel impossibly relieved, and you realize how much this had all been weighing you down. Hyunjin seemed to be the same, his hand now coming to casually rest on your thigh. The two of you finally feel like you again.

“Because I wouldn’t understand,” he mumbles.

Ah, precious, dearest darling.

“So, what, do you think I would dump you for a dude who can integrate without a calculator?”

The blank stare Hyunjin gives you almost makes you crack.

“Hyunjin, darling, apple of my eye, light of my life, you might be the best person I know.” You shift on the couch, and it only takes one quick movement for you to be on top of him, legs on either side of his and arms around his neck. His breath hitches, and it makes you grin. “You’re a incredibly talented artist, you see things about the world that I don’t even notice exist, you’re capable of moving in a way that I can't even dream of, you’re kind, you’re loving, and yes, even if you're not the greatest mathematical mind to walk this earth, you’re smart.”

He looks up at you, lips parted, staring like you’re the only person in the world. You’re not the type to say these things much, usually trying to convey it with physical touch and other shows of affection. Right now, though, it seems like he definitely needed to hear them.

“Hyunjin,” you say, again, never getting tired of how his name rolls off your tongue, “I love you. There’s nothing about you that would make me doubt that.” Nor is there anything that should make him doubt that.

You’re not sure if you kiss him or if he kisses you, but you know that the kiss that follows is harsh, urgent, desperate. His hands grab onto your hips, dig into your skin, his mouth bites at yours feverishly, pushing himself up to meet you. Your hands are in his hair, pulling his head back to give yourself better access to his mouth, and you let him take charge of the pace, his tongue dancing with yours tantalizingly.

It makes it even more delightful when you roll your hips against him and feel him suddenly losing control. He grows hard under you in just seconds, and when you pull away his eyes are wide with need.

“Oh, you did miss me,” you can’t help but tease, though your voice is still soft. You feel lighter after the conversation, but it might still not be the time to get too intense.

Hyunjin whines in response, pushing himself up to kiss you again. Fuck, he’s hot.

“I’m gonna take good care of you, baby,” you whisper with a very intentional shift or your hips, straight onto his hard-on.

You get up to get rid of your short and panties, and during that time, Hyunjin pushes his own pants down, cock standing to attention, precum already forming at the tip. Usually, you’d take the occasion to tease him, play with him a little bit, but you know that he’s not going to last long, and you want to give him everything tonight.

So you climb back onto his lap, kiss him again, and your hand makes its way down your body. You’re wet, too, but Hyunjin’s big, and you want to prepare yourself a little. Just as you’re about to insert a finger, a pleased shiver already running down your back, Hyunjin stops you, and you bite your lip to hold back a whimper when he presses his palm against your clit.

“Let me,” he whispers.

“Anything for you, baby,” you reply, though this is for you too, because when Hyunjin’s long finger push inside of you, spreading you open, you throw your head back and a moan escapes you.

Hyunjin works diligently, slowly pumping in and out of you. His thumb comes to brush against your clit, rubs against it with gentle movements, sending pleasure through every fiber of your body. His hands gets coated in your juices as he pushes a second finger inside, then a third. He’s quiet as he does so, but his other hand keeps tightening on your waist, and his cock is growing redder, leaking more and more precum by the second.

You finally wrap your hand around it, returning the favor, and immediately he loses his rhythm, letting out a whimper. He hunches forward, his head coming to rest in the crook of your neck.

“I can’t— I can’t keep going if you do that,” he mumbles, beautiful eyes staring pleadingly at you. Again, there’s that urge to tease him, and again, you resist it.

“Just wanna make you feel good, baby,” you whisper as you give a slow pump around him, only providing light pressure because you don’t want it to be too much just yet. “And you’re already doing so, so good for me, it’s okay to stop now.”

You’re pretty sure you can take him already, but you keep him just there, fingers moving erratically inside you, as you set a slow pace around his cock. Moans and whines keep spilling past his lips as he buries his face in your shoulder, music to your ears, and you start pressing kisses against his neck, teeth grazing against the skin. Hyunjin gets louder — his neck’s always been sensitive, and when your tongue brushes against him just right, his hips jump up into your hand, which seems like the perfect signal.

You grab his wrist to stop his movements, and he takes it out of you, eyes meeting yours once more in expectation.

Hand around his cock to guide it, you let yourself sink onto him with a pleased moan. He always fills you so well, makes you feel so full— Fuck, either he’s a sex god or you’re really fucking whipped, because sex with him always makes you feel so good.

Hyunjin’s head rolls back onto your couch, hair spilling all over it, eyes closing as his mouth falls open. The sight’s perfect, but it’s also lewd, like the sound of your bodies together wasn’t enough for that.

“Mind if I move, babe?”

Okay, yeah, you’re teasing, but he just makes it so tempting for you.

“Yeah, hm, please— please do.”

A brief laughter escapes you at his broken plea and you push up in order to kiss him again, delicious, delicious friction forming between your legs at the movement.

“You’re perfect,” you purr against his mouth.

Then you start moving, hips rocking gently at first, and Hyunjin’s letting out high pitched whimpers. After a few seconds he manages to push himself from his position, head falling between your breasts. He lifts your shirt, which you hadn’t bothered taking off, and his hands come up to cup them, massaging them softly and carefully. A moan you’d been careful to hold back leaves your mouth then, but it’s only when he wraps his mouth around one of your nipples, that they start falling uncontrollably. He glances up at you, and with one look at the sinful sight that is him with one of your breasts in his mouth, you’re gone.

Things get more frantic after that. You start moving quicker, chasing your own release as much as trying to give him his, and Hyunjin wraps both arms around your waist, no longer kissing your breasts. Instead, he buries his head in your neck again, erratic whimpers music to your ears. You hold tightly onto his shoulders, and though you don’t do it on purpose, you suspect you’re going to leave a mark there.

You come before he does, back arching with a loud cry as you do, but you don’t stop moving. You ride your orgasm with him still inside you, rubbing just right against him, then keep going though slower as your legs start shaking under you, but Hyunjin’s mostly too far gone to notice. You go back to kissing his neck, knowing with absolute certainty that if you flick your tongue against him just so—

Hyunjin comes without a warning, surprisingly quiet, mouth opened wide against your shoulder. You feel him spilling inside of you, whole body shaking underneath you. You keep kissing his neck, whispering soft words against him. How good you find him, how perfect, how much you love him.

You collapse onto each other. You rest your head on his chest; his fingers start absent-mindedly tracing patterns on the small of your back. You should move, should clean up, but fuck, you’ve missed him, you’ve missed this, you’ve missed the way his body feels against yours. You’re so lost in the post-orgasm bliss that you almost miss Hyunjin calling your name.

“Hm?” you reply lazily, glancing up at him. He’s purposefully not looking at you.

“I love you too,” he says. You tilt your head. He’s blushing again, like after all that’s just happened, that was the harder thing to admit. “I didn’t say it earlier. I love you.”

You know that. All the same, flowers bloom in your chest and despite feeling tired, your heart finds it in you to start beating faster. You love him. You love him so much you fear it will consume you sometimes.

“I love you more, babe.”

You believe it whole-heartedly when you say it, too. Hyunjin shakes his head, playful pout forming on his lips, and it hits you that he probably feels just the same.

And in that moment, everything in the world is perfect.

i think this is one of my favorite pieces i've written for this series, so hopefully you liked it too! exploring complex emotions is one of my favorite things to do in writing. i know i've said this in every piece, but please reblog this if you enjoyed it! it boosts my motivation a ton to see people liking my stuff, and so if you like my writing, commenting/reblogging is the best way of making me write more. i'll see you all soon for changbin's piece!

Skz taglist: @lethallyprotected

[sgiandubh]

https://www.tumblr.com/thefrsers/727642239173525504/samcait-watching

Did you write something about their moment 😍🫠with Josh?

Dear Moment with Josh Anon,

Once again, I do apologize for the very, very late answer. As Relocation Week-end is now within reasonable sight, days are shorter and you do find yourself caught in a thousand little idiotic details. Car insurance, doggie shots for Bebe, car check-up, bank, boxes and the whole Marie Kondo tidy geisha circus - you'd be surprised to find out how many things don't spark joy anymore and will be donated to the local Catholic parish, for example. All this hullaballoo will somewhat slow my presence here: not to oblivion (they'd wish!), just a tad & I am already sorry - but (as JAMMF once said) I must.

But we're here for S&C and this is what you should read about in this answer, Anon.

Here is a relevant clip of last summer's Happy Sad Confused Special, I found online, just to make sure we are on the same page:

Anyways. Even if I am not Horowitz's most devoted groupie, I must admit the guy knows perfectly well how to navigate the S&C Narrative River and even its Dissimulation Straits, without ever pushing things up to the Point of No Return. He definitely knows things and if anyone still imagines by now all these 'impromptu' interviews are not at least discussed before the event, well...

In a nutshell, there are - as a rule of thumb - very few spontaneous things about interviews, lately. But then, you can also have unexpected gems like the one above, because it is my belief that this has not been rehearsed or discussed before: their reactions are genuine.

I know many people have talked about it before, so I am not sure what I could add to what was already said, except perhaps a couple of cursory observations.

When she is moved, her Irish accent comes back with a vengeance and then she gradually returns to 'normal' as she relaxes back. But that, to me was a giveaway of how surprised and moved she was to see that reel.

When he is moved, he immediately blurts something cheeky and (often, but not here) borderline inappropriate. 'Actually it's interesting seeing that, like, how physical we were and we just met' (01:50). These, I believe, are coping mechanisms. And yes, I am aware that some believe they met before or that he knew at least something about her. I respectfully disagree: I think what we saw that day, at that chemistry test, were two actors desperate to get a much-needed part and giving their best for it. But, unlike the cynical and corny know-it all out there, I also think we witnessed two human beings who also happened to fall in love at first sight. And that, Anon, is something extraordinary and very rare to experiment, let alone to watch.

And this is something that they both know: how could you ever forget that happening to you? And yes, they are very guarded (he, more than her) but if you watch closely enough (and manage not to feel like a filthy voyeur), you'll understand there is more than meets the eye about These Two.

Once again, I am sorry for the delay. This should serve me well as a lesson in leaving the cheap drama behind and focus on what is important.

[celestie0]

binge read kickoff and I’m sooooo obsessed with it. >.< manifesting someone like Satoru. This might seem dumb but I’m just curious to know what satoru’s friends (Suguru, nanami etc) think of reader?

but anywayyy, thank you for this amazing story and have a great day! :)

hiiii my darling omg i'm so happy you've enjoyed kickoff so far!! it means sm to me :''')

omg not dumb at all i would love to answer this!! i think i answered a similar question to this before but i can't remember what i said xD so we'll start fresh haha i mean it's been a while anyway

suguru: oh yes i also got an ask that was wondering if kickoff suguru has feelings for reader or was romantically interested in her since he seems to be a lil flirty sometimes haha but no i think he's just naturally flirty LOL. he's definitely aware of gojo's feelings for her even tho gojo never told him that or anything, i'd like to think he knew gojo had feelings before even gojo knew SDKJFHSDKJF. but yea anywho he def thinks reader is cool n is kinda different from the girls he's used to seeing in gojo's company n i think that's also why he's intrigued by her bc he's like what's up w this girl that she's got my best friend glancing over at the sidelines every two seconds during practice LMFAO. tbh i can see kickoff suguru n kickoff reader being really great friends, they kinda have similar personalities :)

nanami: he has hella respect for her because he likes people who have a craft or a skill that they're passionate about lol. especially if it's something niche, so he thinks that reader knowing a lot about photography n has really fancy cameras etc is really cool. he's mostly indifferent/disinterested in what she has to do w gojo, he doesn't really care about their status of are they friends? are they dating? sorts of stuff, but i'd like to think he pulls her aside sometimes to ask her questions about her camera specs just cause he wants to learn more about it

choso: pls kickoff choso is soooooooo go with the flow, two braincells, smooth brained, slightly grumpy, chronically tired but very sweet hearted in my head. tbh i don't even think he knows reader's name n i'm p sure he's mistaken her as being three different people bc he just cannot cognitively retain faces for the life of him LMFAO. yea he was mostly indifferent n i'm ngl reader was probs invisible to him for the most part BUT when he saw her slap the shit out of ren at the bar he was like :0 god damn that girl's sick. and now his interest has been piqued n he’s like 80% sure he knows her name now. omg i feel like kickoff choso n reader would not get along for some reason skdfhsdflk choso's nonchalant cynicism would clash w reader's anxious optimism

other players on the team: they all are just really hoping that she's getting their good angles when she's takin her snapshots HAHAH. i'd like to think some of them be mewing on the field 💀💀

coach yaga: “STOP DISTRACTING MY STAR PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HIS EYES ON THE BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

LOL hope this answers bb <3

[broomsick]

Hi,

I was wondering if you have any advice for learning to believe that the gods care about us as individuals?

When I see people saying that the gods really don’t care about us in the grand scheme of things, I find that easier to believe than to believe they care about us, which kinda feels .. shit. Although maybe it’s true, I’m not sure.

I honour Loki, but because I find it hard to believe that they care about me at all (especially given I can’t communicate with him – so he can’t tell me if he does or not, and I don’t want to assume), I feel like it puts distance between us on my end.

I apologise if this is a bit heavy or difficult to answer, don’t stress if you can’t, you’re fine to delete it! But if you have any advice, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Hi there! I definitely understand the way you feel, and from time to time, I experience this very same sentiment as well. I think asking oneself this sort of question comes naturally to many of us, because pragmatic thinking could have us believe the divine is somehow too great to care about us measly earthlings.

But let’s break down this idea that’s being spread around pagan social media platforms, according to which the Gods are too busy, too grand, or too powerful to care about their followers. I’ve never been a fan of this sort of over-the-top cynical rhetoric. Still, I think there’s no better way to tackle pragmatic thinking than in a pragmatic way. The way I see it, this perception of the divine stems from a will to fully detach oneself from common monotheistic concepts. The fact is that a lot of neo-pagans, including popular pagan content creators, come from a Christian background. Some of these creators, whether polytheistic, animistic, both, or else, seem very keen on rejecting any spiritual concept or practice deemed monotheistic in nature, such as the idea that the divine can love us. Neo-paganism entails new ideas, and therefore, any perception of the divine that’s akin to that of the big monotheistic religions is either naive, or shows remnants of monotheistic thinking. However, there’s nothing naive about believing that the divine can care about us. I can believe this, just like I can believe that this or that deity presides over this or that matter in life. Belief systems work in a way that allow for specific ideas of the divine to form, and to vary from person to person. And after all,—just as an aside—, if an entity is powerful enough to be considered divine, then they are powerful enough to know about each of their followers, regardless of how many there are. Now, I don’t think there’s any need to specify that polytheism is inherently spiritual. This means that its very foundations are built upon personal gnosis, and belief in concepts that cannot be proven. No such thing as logic regulates matters of spirituality. So why should we, as theists whose beliefs aren’t commanded by any sort of authority or rule set, be so rigidly pragmatic in this case?

In the end, it all comes down to what we personally believe, and what we’ve personally experienced. Who’s to prove that the Gods don’t love us? And if I saw some stranger on social media tell me “hey um, your God doesn’t care about you by the way”, I would think that 1. Me and this person probably don’t even perceive the divine in the same manner at all; 2. Nothing and nobody dictates belief but the believer themselves; and 3. My experience has proven to me that the Gods care for us, and it’s proof enough. But let me elaborate on that matter further.

In most pagan paths, deities embody different natural phenomena and elements of human life. That’s the way the very first forms of polytheism developed. And to me at least, that’s also the way we as pagans experience their presence firsthand. The Gods are all around us: we can see them because we can see forests, seas, storms, fire, rain… And when you see it that way, they are infinitely closer to us than some cynical social media accounts would have us believe. They don’t sit on golden thrones above the clouds, far away from the human condition. Their presence is tightly intertwined with the earth. So why should “the forest, seas, storms” etc etc care for us? Well my friend, have you ever spent time by a river, and felt that it had a soul of its own? Have you ever felt a bond with a specific tree, or got the sense that the storm was alive somehow? That is something I worship as a pagan. And in my personal experience, the God’s burning, all encompassing love can be felt in these sorts of moments. I don’t need for them to tell me directly. It’s like looking into a loved one’s eyes and feeling that they love you, even though not a single word was spoken. I know how difficult it can be to put one’s faith in such a thing, when it’s already hard for us to even communicate with the Gods. That’s why we keep an eye out for signs from them. And even so, we might never truly grasp their thoughts. If anything, that’s something we know for sure about the divine. If you want my opinion, believing that the Gods love us is a perfectly sound choice to make. They send us their blessings in too many ways to count, sometimes in the form of well-needed change, reassurance, comfort… And if you believe that a certain blessing was sent by the Gods, doesn’t that already showcase a certain care? Even for those who see deity worship as purely transactional (an offering for a blessing and vice-versa), the very idea that a deity would send a blessing implies care for the followers who make the offering. And since me, along with innumerable other pagans, have received blessings without necessarily having to ask or perform some sort of huge offering ritual, I’ve naturally decided that the Gods love their followers. Everybody else can feel free to believe what they will, but my faith, intuition and experience have told me so.

Don’t let your mood be undermined by what people say on the internet, but more importantly, don’t let other people dictate what’s true and what’s false about your experience of spirituality. Let yourself believe what you want to believe, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. You don’t owe anybody proof of what you have faith in.

[fromtheseventhhell]

You definitely don’t need to answer if you’d prefer not to, but I love your Asoiaf analysis and was eager to get your take on the Arya/Tyrion/Jon love triangle from the 1993 outline. I’m not sure if this something you’ve already touched on but I was curious what your thoughts on it are, especially at it relates to Tyrion. Often when I’ve seen this aspect of the outline mentioned, many are quick to dismiss/scoff at the very idea of it…which is truly such a shame because if nothing else, it’s certainly a springboard for many interesting discussions. Though I do think George has scrapped the triangle from the story, I’m curious what, if any, impact it’ll have on how he writes the initial meeting/subsequent “friendship” between Arya and Tyrion. Arya has been established as a character who makes friends easily and is not at all judgmental of others based on appearances and I imagine that would be very appealing to Tyrion. Given his recent cynicism, I don’t think they would “hit it off” right away but I can definitely see them developing an admiration for one another. I recently reread the Mercy chapter and was struck by Arya’s mention of how apt she found one of “Tyrion’s” lines from The Bloody Hand.

I'm a "the original outline still has relevance" truther until I'm proven wrong, so I do still think Tyrion and Arya's relationship will have some significance. If nothing else them being two of George's favorite characters is enough for me to believe we'll get some interesting on-page interactions between them. How relevant will their relationship be? That I don't know but I can definitely see them getting along. They'd play off each other very well and I'm personally really looking forward to them meeting. Arya's interaction with Bobono and, like you said, her memorizing "Tyrion's" lines could be a hint toward the dynamic they'll have in the future. Her Mercy chapter also hints at a relationship between her and Daenerys, so we might see that trio interacting sooner than expected. With the love triangle angle being scrapped, it is possible he has some other subplot planned for them. We don't really know enough to speculate so we'll just have to wait and see though.

[thunderandsage]

my comprehensive star trek fic recs

(starting note: a lot of the following works contain heavy and/or uncomfortable themes, which is my preference when reading fanfiction, so just be aware of that. a lot of them are also, uh, rated E, so yea. i have no excuse for that one.)

(contains: mostly AOS with smatterings of SNW, DS9 and TOS)

EPICS/LONGER WORKS:

Don't Stop Believing by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 205,901 words, a Spock-character-study slash novel-length-epic, features Spock/Pike heavily near the beginning, explores the loss and pain after y'know losing your mother and your planet, slow-burn Spirk but GOD the slow-burn is so good, not a straightforward story as characters are capable of both advancing and regressing but this complexity makes the story more delicious, includes homoerotic piano duets)

You Don’t Have To (Say Yes) by luminousbeings (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 192,321 words, HEED THE WARNINGS, starts out as “let’s make Tarsus IV even worse” but evolves into love letter for friendship and chosen family, characters so good you want to start chewing on the metaphorical pages, Kirk as bright-sunshine-character-with-the-horrors-in-his-past who’s messed up but god he’s trying, passages in this fic permanently rewired my brain)

War Games by seperis (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 108,882 words, necessary to read You’ll Get There In The End first, very sharp and cohesive prose and plot, the romance here is pretty unconventional and “unromantic” almost but it honestly works really well, uhh main warning is that this deals with politics analogous with real-world loss of rights so it’s uncomfortably relatable but if you’re fine with that it’s a really interesting read, intrigue and action, sorta-telepath!Kirk and good Vulcan OCs)

K’diwa: A Steamy Novel of Interspecies Romance, by Jim Kirk by branwyn (Spirk AOS, rated technically E but it’s more M i feel, finished at 103,984 words, accidental romance writer Jim Kirk, Kirk-was-adopted-by-Vulcans, Academy Era, far on the feel-good and indulgent side of fic if you’re into that)

The Door by Pouxin (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 77,118 words, per the description "and alternative STID thing" with one of the most distinctive and sweet/sharp love stories, smut does feature very heavily but so does literature and messy emotions, contains my favorite version of THAT scene from STID, makes you want to annotate passages and look for parallels like in fucking english lit class again)

For the Gladness of You by kariye (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 51,055 words, non-linear narrative, Spock and Kirk both have Issues(tm), definitely a thornier read where problems don’t have clear solutions and people are messy and don’t always make good decisions, more cynical but still so good)

EPISODIC/SMALLER STORIES:

The 1,000 Hour Sleep by spqr (Spirk SNW, rated M, finished at 27,227 words, basically Jim is a secret agent for Starfleet who's treated as expendable by Command but still gets adopted by the SNW crew, good balance of action/angst and romance/pining)

This Trailer Park Is a Shithole But Goddammit, It’s Home by waketosleep (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 23,446 words, trailer park AU, Jim Kirk’s dubious adventures in growing weed and trying to avoid the law, the crackiest adaptation of st2009 you’ll ever read)

Something Smart to Do by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 21,322 words, how many times will Spock and Kirk get fake-married for missions before they admit they’re in love? the answer is too damn much)

How to Inefficiently Acquire a Human Male in 98.6 Earth Days by noodleinabarrel (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 30,391 words, Academy Era, Spock tries to ward off Jim's attempts at friendship but receives advice that does... not do that, romcom vibes, meddling Gaila)

Big Me (But It’s You I Fell Into) by waketosleep (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 38,728 words, i am entirely indifferent towards golf but this fic still slaps, feat. an oblivious jim, a low-stress but still very fun read)

knives in the water by green_postit (McKirk AOS, rated E, finished at 18,618 words, dark, mafia au, smut and violence, featuring McCoy’s sexual frustration and steadily eroding moral compass)

FEMSLASH:

encrusted gem-stuff / / of the mist by leohtttbriar (T'pura SNW, rated T, finished at 41,862 words, pon farr but it’s lesbians, beautiful psychedelic and almost surreal writing style that i want to inject into my bloodstream)

Unspoken by ThereBeWhalesHere (T’pura AOS, rated M, finished at 29,201 words, lovely AOS Uhura depiction with lots of linguistics and character depth, the path to true love is convoluted and thorny but they get there, eventually)

i cannot paint / what then i was by leohtttbriar (Kiradax DS9, rated T, finished at 15,462 words, brief Jadzia/Lenara Kahn, read if you like greek classics references, bi disaster Jadzia and gorgeous lesbian pining)

let them vie with each other by leohtttbriar (Jadzia Dax/Nyota Uhura DS9 & SNW/TOS, rated T with non-explicit sex scenes, finished at 6,215 words, a rarepair that sank its teeth into my neck, a gorgeous story that is very sci fi not just bc of the fandom but in its storytelling, beautiful science and linguistics asides, incredibly beautiful prose)

A Hermeneutics of Ass-Fucking by Alsike (Christine Chapel/T’pring SNW, rated M, finished at 5,954 words, an enjoyable cocktail of Vulcan intellectualism, crack and lesbian horniness, introduced me to Maggie Nelson’s works, also an update as this has sequels, the main being: Erotic Vulcan Love Poetry, Like a Sea Turtle to their Beach and Federation Day Festivities in Wabanaki Territory (Formerly known as Quebec), all of which are excellent)

Matchmaker of Mars by Edonohana (T’pura TOS, rated T, finished at 2,749 words, T’Pring and Uhura as 1930s scifi writers with a grudge against Campbell)

“BITE-SIZED”:

there's no such thing as a bad idea by bloodyhalefire (Spock & Bones AOS, rated T, finished at 5,114 words, giving "teenage girls talk about their crushes at a sleepover" except it's two emotionally constipated middle-ish-aged men who are drunk)

And Then I Let It Go by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 10,632 words, post-Beyond getting together including fake identities and agricultural work)

Any Way You Want It by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 12,031 words, Spock gets offered a promotion and Jim wants to be supportive, misunderstanding ensue, slightly cracky)

Watershed Moments by battybatzgirl (Kirk & Mcoy AOS, rated N/A, finished at 9,455 words, based on that Parks and Rec episode with snake juice but it’s Chekov’s tribble juice here, everyone’s super wasted here and it’s glorious, crack)

Big Damn Heroes by waldorph (Chekov/Sulu AOS, rated E, finished at 6,821 words, Chekov character study in a "live fast, die young" type of Starfleet life, honestly just read anything by waldorph ever, swashbuckling vibes)

what is love? (no really) by serenfire (Aromantic Spirk AOS, finished at 7,534 words, read if you like disaster!Kirk and/or have a grudge against Valentine's Day, cracky)

Hallmark Moment (Here in the Morning Remix) by unveiled (Joanna McCoy AOS, rated G, finished at 3,312 words, bittersweet character study, read if you want to feel a little sad and contemplative)

the five-year mission by screamlet (Kirk & McCoy AOS, rated M, finished at 11,106 words, dark post-STID that sees what with Starfleet's militarization and colonialist undertones... y'know that's not far from the mirrorverse...)

A Monument to All Your Sins by sinestrated (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 9,629 words, post-STID where Kirk is ordered to retake the Kobayashi Maru, soft established relationships and musings about the nature of sacrifice/duty)

UNFINISHED:

K’oh-nar by AlexPrime (Spirk TOS, rated T, updating at 320,000 words currently, PLEASE heed the "mental breakdown" tag as it centers around severe psychically-inflicted trauma, featuring Spock’s TOS canonical self-loathing, it’s tagged hurt/comfort but the plot’s still on the “hurt,”read if you want to be stabbed by a hundred knives)

Unbody Me and Take Me Home by Gltertearz (Spirk AOS, rated N/A, updating at 27,416 words but updating, domestic fluff but there's a ghost, slowburn for both the romance and the horror)

Pinched Nerve by RookSacrifice (Spirk SNW, rated E, updating regularly at 14,776 words currently, due to varying reasons both Spock and Jim enter a corporate matchmaking program, hilarity ensues, prose is very sharp and enjoyable)

[beanghostprincess]

What’s so fascinating about shuggy that makes you go this wild? Aren’t shanks completely over this guy? And buggy just bitter? Am I interpreting it wrong?

I'm not gonna ask whether you want the short or the long version, because I'm gonna give you the longest, gayest version no matter what you tell me. So. Yeah. I think I'm kind of crazy about them but in a very normal way (I just lied on the internet). I'm gonna answer your last three questions before actually getting into the subject of why Shuggy makes me go so wild:

(Spoilers: manga ch.1082 and that Wano flashback)

Shanks being "completely over this guy" would be a very simple way to put his feelings for Buggy into words, I think. Although the fandom exaggerates the way he feels for him (turning into obsession and just complete depression) for fun or for angst purposes (I must say I don't really dislike it and I do believe Shanks still holds Buggy close to his heart in this way, and if we talk in a shippy way, he's definitely the clingy one) I think Shanks isn't completely over Buggy. At least not in the cynical way some people say. I think that after parting ways, Shanks accepted Buggy leaving him. I don't think he quite understands his reasons (he never will, tbh) but accepted his decision. I think he tried to choose the more mature way (not that he had other options) and moved on. But moving on doesn't mean forgetting or being completely over someone, because I wholeheartedly think that even if Buggy isn't on his mind 24/7, he's still one of the most important people in Shanks' life and story. Buggy is there in the back of his mind like a catchy song you can't get rid of, you know? It itches sometimes, too, but Shanks can't do anything about it so he just lives with it. To Shanks, he would gladly reconnect with Buggy and go back to the way they were in the blink of an eye, but he knows it can't be. I think Shanks has moved on but the second somebody mentions Buggy he goes into nostalgia mode and thinks about their times together back when they were just kids with endless dreams aboard the Oro Jackson. I think Shanks has more things to worry about than his past to be the way the fandom portrays him, but that doesn't mean he has completely forgotten about it and doesn't want Buggy back. Because he definitely does.

Buggy is- He isn't just bitter. I don't think you can say Buggy is just bitter when Shanks' decision was what determined his whole life. Leaving the thing about the map and the devil fruit aside (which also affects the story but we know his resentment isn't really about that) Buggy has every right to feel the way he does towards Shanks. Perhaps it's just that I find this pathetic clown to be very relatable, but I will always be both a Buggy apologist and defender. I'll probably get into a more detailed version of this later, but Buggy isn't just bitter. Buggy is rightfully frustrated at how his life ended up to be without Shanks. "But he's the one who left Shanks"... Is he, though? He did leave Shanks physically, but Shanks was the first to break the relationship. The thing about Buggy that I absolutely love is how his character portrays envy and jealousy into a... I wouldn't say healthy way, but at least not a damaging way to Shanks. Despite fighting all the time, they obviously loved and cared for each other. Being best friends and the youngest of the crew, always together in both the worst and best of their moments, etc. So Buggy, even though he lived as Shanks' shadow, that isn't why he's resentful towards him. He could be angry about that, right? Just bitter Roger chose him to keep his legacy alive instead of him. But no. Buggy chose to follow Shanks instead because he trusted him. Because he thought "Well, I might not be able to follow my dream, but Shanks will do it for us as our captain's legacy". Which makes sense because they were so damn close. They're always together. Like. Just watch/read the Oden flashback. Their presentation was even together, lmfao. And when they talk about them, they mention them together. The whole thing about Shanks not going to Laugh Tale to take care of Buggy? It's just- It's just so obvious that they were best friends and intended to be together forever. Buggy was willing to follow Shanks until the end of the world until Shanks hesitated when asked about following Roger's steps (Buggy doesn't actually say he'll be in Shanks' crew, but the way he reacts to Shanks' words makes me think he would've accepted to go with him as a co-captain until... Well. Yeah. That happened). And like, I get it. Shanks knew they were too young. Shanks knew they needed to grow up and live more experiences as pirates before going to Laugh Tale and for the One Piece. For Shanks it's just a little pause before they actually fulfill their dreams. But for Buggy? For Buggy, his whole world is crumbling down because the person he trusted the most literally told him he wasn't going to follow their dream. For Buggy, Shanks doesn't take the role of Roger's legacy seriously enough, so it's unfair. It's unfair that he had to leave his dream behind for him. It's unfair that he trusted him. It's unfair that Shanks didn't believe in himself. It's unfair that their captain died. It's unfair that now Buggy has to be completely on his own, with no ability to swim and no map to follow because Shanks also ruined that for him. So, yeah, Buggy is a bit more than just bitter, and rightfully so. It's classic miscommunication because obviously, Shanks wasn't going to give up on going to Laugh Tale, but Buggy takes it that way. And he also sees it as Shanks doubting himself and the dream and it's unfair that the one who got the straw hat is the one to hesitate, and the one who didn't get anything is the one who wants to fight for their dream. Buggy is more than just bitter. I know it's played for laughs, but his grudge towards Shanks is deeper than that.

You are not interpreting it wrong, tbh. I think the fandom just exaggerates their behavior and in canon you pretty much have to analyze the characters to fully understand them. If you're not a fan of these two characters, their whole relationship can feel like "Oh, they were just friends in the same crew" even when it's way deeper than that. Although I think chapter 1082 (my favorite chapter ngl I've read it so many times google instantly shows it to me when I look for the page where I read OP) explains what I just said pretty well from Buggy's POV.

So now onto the real question, what's so fascinating about Shuggy?

I'm gonna be honest with you, before writing this I have to say that I have a tendency to love these types of ships. Soukoku (BSD) and Satosugu (JJK) are no exception and they follow the same "former BFFs/partners who turned into enemies and are very very gay". The reason I like these three ships so much is probably because of personal experiences I'm not gonna talk about, but somebody mentioned something very interesting about lesbians/sapphics relating to these ships because we always have this experience about having a really close girl bff that we have a crush on, but since we don't acknowledge the real feelings, it ends up in a very toxic way that leads only to resentment and nostalgia. And, you know, as a lesbian who has been through that I can confirm wholeheartedly that this is why Shuggy is so important to me (considering Shuggy a ship for the lesbians in my heart </3)

Leaving that aside and the fact that childhood best friends to lovers is like my favorite trope, I just think their characters are so perfectly written. And it's surprising because they barely have scenes talking about each other or being with each other (Marineford is Shuggys' Roman Empire atp, although I will always remember that first flashback in episode 8 in the anime. That changed my life fr). But their story is made with so much care and love for the characters (it's obvious Oda likes Buggy a lot) that you can feel it. At least I do. Because although not having many scenes they've completely taken over my heart and soul.

Shanks is a very complicated character due to lack of information and the fact that we know he hides something deeper, but he is, after all, a symbol of hope and dreams. At least for our main character. Shanks is the main reason why Luffy becomes a pirate and there are so many parallelisms between them that I can't count them. I find it so ironic that the symbol of hope and freedom Luffy follows is actually somebody who crushed somebody's dreams and hopes. Talk about irony, right? And then we have Buggy, who's the complete opposite. With Buggy's first appearance (and honestly all of his scenes until the Wano flashback and chapter 1082) we think he's one of the bad guys. And yeah, all of them are like that because they're pirates and yadda yadda. But I'm talking about "bad guy" as in "bad bad person with no hopes and dreams and that is just interested in being feared and powerful". And he is a failguy. A very funny one, too. But he's so much more. And the fact that this comedic relief character that's always played for laughs when it comes to his own misery turns out to be the one who has the biggest of dreams and the biggest of heartbreaks about it? It just shatters my heart.

Shuggy makes me go wild because of Buggy, mostly, ngl. I wouldn't like Shanks this much if it wasn't for Shuggy, probably (I love him a ton outside of his relationship with Buggy, but you know, it makes things a lot easier). I like Shuggy because the topics the ship touches are very emotional and angsty and they crush me completely. Buggy living in Shanks' shadow? Buggy wanting to follow Roger's steps and following Shanks instead because his self-esteem disappeared the moment his captain's legacy ended up on Shanks instead of him? The trust he had in Shanks? The way Shanks hesitates and the way Buggy refuses to follow somebody like that? Buggy running away on his own because he gave up his dream for somebody who doesn't even treat it the way it deserves? It's just heartbreaking. Especially if you have in mind that they just lost the man that raised them.

Buggy then becomes somebody that people make fun of and ridicule, and they don't even think about the possibility of him being part of the crew of the king of the pirates. And when they find out, they can't believe it. They don't talk about this much, but I think that it must hurt so fucking much to be seen this way. He was just as important as Shanks. Roger loved him too. And to this day, being Shanks' shadow still haunts him. I love the angst Shuggy has. It breaks me and I love it.

Then, (and this is something I adore) with the creation of Cross Guild, Buggy has the chance to get out of Shanks' shadow. He's surrounded by two guys who only think about money and stability and business and... It's boring, isn't it? It's not flashy! And I think he has this realization of "this is my chance to prove I'm worth something. This is my chance to actually go for my dream. Mine" because these two idiots keep talking about boring things instead of following their dreams and aspirations and bigger things! And it just shows how much Buggy truly cared about Laugh Tale and the One Piece and how much he has had to wait for it. And this has nothing to do with Shuggy, I just really love this fucking clown.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I love Shanks making Buggy lose the map and eat the devil fruit. Because, okay, in retrospect it feels very stupid because it was a simple accident. But just hear me out- Even though it was an accident, Buggy lost his ability to swim for powers he didn't want. He lost the ability of independence, because what's a pirate on his own if he can't swim? He lost his individuality that night, and we see him depend on others constantly throughout the show. And Shanks mentioning that Buggy is a great swimmer? Oh, fuck you Oda for making me cry so early in the show. Then, the map. He lost his individuality and then he lost the only thing that led him to a future with treasures and his dreams. Then again, losing his independence because he couldn't just go on his own without a map. Fucking great. The fact that Shanks jumps to rescue him the second Buggy starts to drown haunts me at night, too. They're just so-- Ugh.

But Shuggy is not everything about Buggy's resentment and angst. And it's not about Shanks missing him and wanting his best friend back because he doesn't know what happened for him to run away so easily.

It's also about unconditional love, and I am so passionate about that. Shanks care and love for Buggy is something the fandom exaggerates but... These people are not wrong, tbh. Shanks gave up his dream to go to Laugh Tale (postponed it) to stay with Buggy and take care of him because he was sick. Shanks is a very selfless person all the way, and when it comes to Buggy it seems that he doesn't hesitate to put him first (in serious situations. Their usual arguments don't count. They're just stupid, and love to argue and fight like the divorced couple they are). And besides, this happens right in the same episode after Toki gets sick and Oden wants to take care of her but she forces him to follow his dream and leave her behind. Like- What the actual fuck. Ah, yes, parallel the main couple in the Wano arc. I'm sure that's not romantic at all. The difference is that Shanks stayed. And god, does that hurt. Especially when he says they'll go on their own one day, because it shows he cared about Laugh Tale too (I mean, ofc, but from Buggy's POV it's just different).

To end this I also want to say that, leaving the whole deep analysis behind: Their personalities just match. They're funny to watch. They're cute. They have an angsty story behind them. They won't stop arguing like little kids but they care for each other still. They are chaotic. They're just... Perfect for each other.

Hope you liked my tiny essay about them because I could've kept going on and on and on about it, but some people (like me, sadly) have to wake up early tomorrow to work instead of just posting about gay fictional characters (somebody please pay me to do these things and I'll stay on tumblr 24/7).

[collegetennisoriginstory]

Interesting question re: the f! versus m! versions of the LIs. This is just personal taste, I don't think any of them are more or less loveable based on gender!, but I do think f!Rayyan is more attractive to me than her male counterpart, while for G & Sam it's the opposite - I exclusively romance their male counterparts. Tobin is the same for me in both versions, but I still prefer f!Tobin simply because I prefer playing as a woman hehe. For context, I am a bisexual woman leaning more towards women, buuut I'm really into gnc women and I guess G and Sam both just feel like they fall outside a category I am attracted to :'o f!G feels more femme fatale as a woman, and f!Sam is very cute.

This is supremely intriguing, thank you so much for answering!! I absolutely live for interactions like this!

My answer became a goddamn ESSAY (holy shit I'm sorry) but I'd definitely love to hear more of you guy's thoughts on this, cause this is super interesting to me!

For G, I totally agree. I feel the pivotal traits that shape them (cynicism, stoicism about life and what life throws at them, adapting to circumstance, instead of stubbornly sticking to 'what they want', their parents' divorce, being caught between worlds and used to living in multiple places at once—Canadian-French from their mom and French-French from their dad, their intense commitment to their belief that things don't last, and you can't expect them to) feel more... attractive to me in a woman than a man (because lord knows we have enough flaky non-committal men in this world), but I think that's probably a subjective opinion.

For Tobin, I think it's inevitable that their softness/gentleness AND their queerness is influenced by their gender, and I love that idea, and I hope to explore more of that later on. For M!Tobin, I feel like they've always had to deal with the fact that they're a little "too" soft for what the world expects from them (a black american in the ultimately super-machismo world of sports), and they've always at least "fit in" with the rest of their team because of their athletic prowess AND how much attention they get from the ladies. Now, exploring their sexuality, having to come to terms with the fact that they are attracted to men as well (and what to do with that information)... I think it adds an extra layer of vulnerability.

As for F!Tobin, I think there's similar tensions—but in different ways. E.g. maybe they're the way they are, so gentle and considerate and kind because, in some ways, they're compensating (subconsciously or consciously) with the stereotype that black women athletes are "too powerful", "too fierce", and they've only ever wanted to be accepted, respected, loved, hence they've always been softer than they have to be, kinder than they have to be, more considerate etc. etc. But then they met MC, and perhaps they're learning to put that all away, and just... be. Without fear of being "too much"—with MC reassuring them that they're OK just the way they are, and that their strength and courage does not need to be tempered for anyone else's benefit.

And finally, for Rayyan, again, I absolutely agree—there's something about F!Rayyan and how, coming from a conservative immigrant Muslim family (e.g. there was that scene with a brief mention of how their dad never even thought they should be serious about turning pro, becoming a professional athlete especially because she's a girl), she's probably had to fight for absolutely everything she's wanted in this world, and that's why she's so steely on the outside, why she's so unapologetic about pursuing the things she wants because god knows the amount of sacrifice she's already put in. There's still that dimension in M!Rayyan, being an immigrant, threading that line between wanting to do their family proud, wanting to pursue their own dreams, ambition—so much ambition—but also fierce loyalty, and uncompromising, unyielding courage.

Sam feels the most... unchanged whether or not I imagine them as female or male, the experiences that made them the way they are (and how they interact with MC) are the same (e.g. being in love with your best friend, being extremely open about experimenting with literally any type of human romantically except the ONE person they actually love and trust with all their heart, scattered loveable goofball tennis nerd that they are).

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary + burned bird secondary

Hey, if you’re still interested in sorting people i’d like to ask what you think! i think snake/bird or bird/bird are maybe likely for me, but the there’s some difficulty with finding what i’m motivated by as, similarly like you said about Ed Teach, the answer is not much.

arguments for bird primary (i think) are:

1. my co-worker saying that i’m a ‘technical’ person, being nitpicky about how things are said

Being very technical/nitpicky about phrasing is more of a secondary thing. Probably evidence of a Prep-work secondary (Bird or Badger) or a prepwork model.

2. that one time me and and friend A were trying to peek inside friend B’s sketchbook while friend B was saying to us that she doesn’t want to show us, but then to get me on her side she said that when i didn’t want to show my sketchbook i said i shouldn’t be forced if i don’t want to, so she shouldn’t be either, and i was like yeah that tracks.

3. i do create consistent framework of ‘rules’

You are also coming in pretty strong with the numbered list. Bird primaries LOVE numbered lists. And creating consistent rule frameworks… well that’s the definition, isn’t it?

I loved doing that write-up about Ed Teach, because I think it’s rare that we see a Bird primary who is *young* the way he is, actively creating his framework of rules. But it’s absolutely a type of Bird.

arguments against bird primary:

1. one of my ‘rules’ is that motivation and feelings should be taken into     account when deciding what to do, as my motivation and energy are fickle - just ‘the truth’ isn’t enough for me?

But “just a feeling” wouldn’t be enough for you either, I’m guessing? Yeah, this is still Bird. Some Birds like using emotion as a data point. It’s like the thing with the sketchbook. Probably it felt fine/fun/not a big deal trying to get a peek at your friend’s sketchbook, but then you were reminded it went against a previously established rule, and instead of questioning the rule in an emotional way, you were like “oh, right, of course.” No one like hypocrites, but Bird primaries HATE hypocrites. 

2. in the quiz, specifically the question that if something convinced me that my people-first moral outlook is not as logical as some other hypothetical outlook, would i be guilty about abandoning, and i would be guilty. though i honestly mostly think that that kind of outlook is right, but don’t act on it much. one time i almost went volunteering. this might point to snake-admiring-badgers phenomenon?

Or Birds admiring Badgers. Honestly, the way this is phrased is very “I would feel guilty giving up a people-first outlook, because people first is objectively right.” Which… is Bird. Heck, asking “is people-first the way to go” is a question you seem to be currently dealing with. 

i think i could be motivated by close connections, as even when i’m unmotivated by other things idea of it seems very resonant, but i’d never had ones (with deep mutual understanding and stability and whatnot. except maybe my sister), so i don’t know what i’d act like if i did.

So you think you might like the Snake way of doing things… but it’s totally a hypothetical. 

Tell me about what you were like as a kid: i read a lot, until i was 8-10 only encyclopedia-type stuff–i think i liked making sense of things, though maybe that’s true for all kids. 

Reading mostly/only encyclopedias until you’re ten is not typical kid stuff. I’m thinking Bird for you. I’m thinking Double Bird for you. 

i also remember being unmotivated and cynical in a specific way, like i remember thinking things like “sure, this superpower (like bending) seems fun, but if suddenly people were able to do it, it would very quickly become boring like everything else” a lot. i was also kinda shit at interacting with other kids, i approached them kinda earnestly, but was confused on what to do next.

Getting neurodivergent vibes off of you, which is unrelated to this system. All this really tells me is that whatever secondary you have, it’s got a social setting. 

people talk about missing experiencing happiness like they did in childhood, but for me it’s not like that, i actually became a bit better at it with time.

Personally I think it’s a red flag when people idealize or talk constantly about their childhood. 

What’s your fantasy?: i’d like to have people who really care about me and understand me and the other way around, have things i want to do and would be able to dedicate myself to, possibly something intellectually stimulating.

Pretty general so far. A kind of general Badger primary fantasy (which you did lead with, so there’s that.) And a pretty general Idealist fantasy. 

and that’d make me feel competent, be able to figure out how to express myself in art.

I think your secondary might be a little burnt. I’m keeping an eye on ‘I did a cool think but idk it’s probably pretty normal’ ‘I don’t know what to do in social situations’ ‘I don’t feel competent/able’ type asides. 

also not exactly a fantasy, but i’ve considered that if there was a button to press that traded my life for a huge amount’s of people’s lives or happiness i’d do it, because it makes sense to, 

That’s a general hypothetical, because honestly a LOT of people would do that, for a lot of different reasons. 

but i wouldn’t be that willing to put work in the greater good. except if the problem was fun i guess.

Your secondary is a  bit burnt, and if I were you I’d probably do a deep dive on executive functioning / adhd, but disclaimer - I do not diagnose with these, that is super unethical and also not possible. 

Is there a character who you *really* identify with? (Why?): honestly not really? there’s mostly instances. for example in sortinghatchats’ sorting of Sokka they talked about how when he understood that for example he shouldn’t be sexist, it was important for him to not to be, and that it wasn’t a gut reaction. other than moments similar to this. 

I mean, SHC did sort Sokka as a pretty loud Double Bird.  

i might relate to  characters who are disconnected from themselves and are basically learning how to be a person. 

Yeah… that sounds pretty Bird to me. That sounds like a lot of Bird primaries I know. 

What makes you feel powerful?: when there’s a need to define/make sense of things, and i get to do that

Bird. 

What was an especially difficult time in your life? What made it difficult?: there was a period in uni where i stopped doing assignments and got really behind and isolated myself. it was difficult because i felt incompetent, bored, and like there was nothing worth doing, and because even though i was really down, it didn’t seem like my friends cared that much to help me or even to listen to me.

Have you considered that you might have been depressed? 

Tell me about your parents/family situation/current living situation: i live with my parents and two siblings.

my dad is gets stuff done, is analytical and seemingly never thinks that he could be wrong. i like asking him questions and listen him to him explaining stuff, and he likes doing the explaining but i kinda gave up on having non-one-sided discussions with friendly disagreements - he gets way too intense about 'convincing’ me he’s right, and i’d like him to just talk like there’s a possibility that there’s truth to what i’m saying too. he obviously cares about me and my siblings but does have emotional-stuntedness of a dad. can often be cold to my mom.

It sounds like your dad is an extremely loud Bird primary - and I’m thinking that being told again and again that your own Bird is wrong and doesn’t measure up… has probably contributed the burning, and the way you seem to see yourself as not especially capable. 

my mom is very emotional, spiritual and absentminded, has a bit of a thing about not expressing her boundaries at all, until pushed to the edge, and trampling a bit over others’. we regularly go get coffee or travel a bit, but in our dynamic she tends to share about her life and feelings a lot, and i mostly not at all, because if i did i’d just feel misunderstood and frustrated or patronized, or she’d just ignore what i say about my perspective and continue talking about how she sees it. our sense of humor is sometimes nothing alike, and sometimes exactly the same.

Your mom sounds like a pretty loud Badger secondary. 

me and my older brother used to bicker a lot, and he would tease me, a bit meanly - basically typical sibling relationship, but later we mostly stopped interacting, then he had some serious mental health issues, he got somewhat better and now we’re awkwardly polite. also in a weird turn now i seem to have more power in our dynamic, because he sees me as a confident and assertive person, which i’m not?

I wouldn’t say that. You’ve got a burned secondary, but you definitely seem to be out there doing stuff. And you somehow beat that period of depression, so cheers. 

my little sister is about a decade younger than me, she’s in early teens now, but i think we understand each other best in our family. we sometimes watch shows together. when she was very small i didn’t like her much and thought my mom spoiled her, but at some point realised that when i was younger and being a bastard my family pointing out that i was being a bastard and judging me just made me feel and act worse, so i tried be someone who she’d feel likes her as a person even when i don’t like how she acts, and we got along since then. she has a bit of fiery temperament and has a tumultuous relationship with our mom. 

And here we get a little peek at your rule making progress  “Acting like a bastard doesn’t mean you are a bastard, and equating the two will only make the behavior worse.” Seems like a decent rule to me. 

[liketwoswansinbalance]

Rafal as an Ever Student AU

I think I came up with a decent portion of this right before I read Rise, in the shower, and the rest of it manifested later on, after reading Rise.

Note: This concept is set as if he were in Sophie and Agatha's year.

He gets a different reception than Agatha despite being a bit like her but less coarse and more refined. He’s seen as broody and cool, not “moody,” “grumpy,” “sour,” and “unpleasant.” It is a total double standard for the Everboys that he benefits from.

Yes, he retains his personality from TLEA and Rise, just minus the Evilness. Aloof, grouchy, and quiet.

He’s not entirely an outcast even if he is unconventional, for a prince. The other Everboys hate him because he’s seen as competition. They poke fun at him and call him “as pale as a Crog’s underbelly.”

Some Evergirls are attracted to him. He sets their hearts aflutter, but most think he is the antithesis of Good in its typical definitions and forms. He is cold and pale, and leaner-built than most. He runs cold, unlike the warm-blooded, sweaty Everboys. (And, he and Sophie love each other. Although, being atypical examples of an Ever and Never as they are, they are quite a contrast and quite the power couple. Even though they are an Ever-Never couple, they have lots of commonalities. Maybe, they’d resemble Tophie, but their dynamic would be leagues better.)

Ironically, he performs badly at things that require true Goodness. The other Everboys mock him for being “impure” like the Nevers mocked Sophie.

Basically, Rafal is no good at doing performative Good. In the way that Sophie initially is bad at performative Evil, in practice.

However, he aces the Good theory lessons somehow. He probably got a 90% on Dovey's Good Deeds test. He just knows the Rules and how everything works really well. He's clever. That's obvious enough. (And, he was a prodigy in primary school.)

The two, Sophie and Rafal, are paradoxes. They are (oddly enough) desirable social-rejects.

One of their first interactions, after he performed badly in a class involving concrete action that Sophie witnessed:

Sophie: I thought you were Good.

Rafal: I am. In theory.

His ability to understand Good theory traces back to his Talent: how he already has a full understanding of how the Woods operate, and can read souls and intentions, meaning he can immediately sense who’s an Ever and who’s a Never, is a walking lie-detector, and senses a betrayal days before it happens. His weakness is that emotional attachment to people dulls his senses in regards to them specifically.

He’s also slightly prescient. He is not a Seer though. He can simply predict outcomes and movements with surprising accuracy. Plus, maybe, he's just observant and knows too much, more than he should, of the inner workings of the Schools’ system.

He probably cheats the system with his performance, anomalous with the actual impure inclinations of his soul. Like, he knows the correct, Good answers to the test. He just wouldn't be compelled to do all of it in reality. He doesn't care enough to. He doesn’t care enough for others. He doesn't care enough for what others think, at all, so that's part of the problem.

In reality, he’s on the less pure section of the Good continuum; he’s just incredibly competent at what he does to be tracked as a Leader. So, his morality is already greyish. But, he has no inclination to do Evil without provocation. He’s just capable of thinking exactly like a villain would, which both impresses and terrifies all the Evers. It looks suspicious, and Tedros is certain he’s secretly a Never.

This connects back to his Talent. Rafal can anticipate what Nevers will do. He’s always several steps ahead as a strategic, long-range planner.

Rafal’s Wish Fish vision is of Sophie. (He had seen her at the Welcoming, and cynically chalked her up to delusional Evil in love, like his Never brother once was. He did experience aesthetic attraction though.) He’s startled by the vision, and the Everboys jeer at him for being drawn to a Never.

Meanwhile, Agatha tries to tell Sophie to try and get him to kiss her, and tells her to wait for him to make the first move. Sophie doesn’t listen and approaches him. She had decided to lure him instead.

But she is not the only one with ulterior motives. At first, Rafal had selfish motives in pursuing Sophie. He, ever the control freak, decides to try and reform her. It would surely be an unforgettable accomplishment, and win him fame and influence as the first Ever to convert a Never to Good. Then, he’d take her as his queen.

And, yes, he admits, he does have feelings for her, but he is unable to process or decipher those feelings at the moment, and he stuffs them down, so he can conduct his morally-questionable experiment without interference.

He finds Sophie amusing and intriguing. Sometimes, he smiles knowingly at the lengths she goes to prove she's truly Good. Because, he once tried to love too and failed. His heart and soul failed him. And, it pains him to think about the Evil brother he had to kill in the purest self-defense a year ago. (Yeah, he's traumatized in this AU too.)

Eventually, he’s a prince lured onto Evil's side. She won their game, like a siren. And, both of them were already morally grey.

If the Storian were to write a fairy tale about them, the first triumph of both sides, it would be very radical for lack of a better word. Very good. Ahem. [Clears throat awkwardly.]