#this is for the benefit of the audience but it's quite funny when you think about it

[aemiron-main]

mike having food issues isn’t a stretch, begging people to quit acting like it is

i just think it’s funny that people treat the idea of “there’s subtext that points to mike having issues with food” as some sort of ridiculous stretch and claim that it’s all just based on finn’s body when the show literally gave us Mike being mocked by other characters because of his weight, when Angela’s friend calls him a twig:

Like. I’m sorry to everyone who’s pointing out the urban dictionary of twig referring to a gay man, but even if that’s also the case, even if the duffers were consulting urban dictionary, the reality is that it’s far more commonly used to refer to someone skinny in a rude way.

Mike’s also the character who mocks Hopper’s weight in s3, calling his face a “fat tomato,” and then interestingly enough, we see tomato imagery again when Chrissy’s mom is tormenting her about her weight and directly contributing to her ED:

El is the one who makes the tomato comment, but Mike is the one who brings weight into it.

And then the next time we see tomato imagery is when Chrissy’s mom is tormenting her about her weight and we get the tomato pin cushion, and with the way the scene is setup, out attention is drawn to that cushion when you actually watch the shot in motion.

I feel like a lot of people on here have a very narrow definition of disordered eating and are basing all of their criticism on that narrow definition and are acting like everyone is saying that Mike is a Typical Anorexic Who Is Constantly Aware Of His Problems With Food. Instead, what I’m saying, at least, is that there’s strong subtext that points to Mike having anxiety and avoidance related food issues that stem from the frequent conflict at the Wheeler dinner table (something we see again in S4 when there’s conflict at the Byers’ dinner table and they go out of their way to show that Mike isn’t eating and also show Will noticing the fact that Mike isn’t eating), which still very much constitutes an eating disorder.

Will stares at Mike’s plate repeatedly, even when the scene cuts away and back to him. This isn’t a one time glance, Will literally cannot keep his eyes on his own plate:

It happens throughout the whole scene. Not only is the audience noticing that Mike isn’t eating, but other characters are noticing too.

And we also see Nancy calling Mike “disgusting,” for his food choices in S1, which is an offhand, relatively mild comment on its own, but when combined with the constant conflict at the Wheeler dinner table, especially conflict at criticism directed at Mike specifically, it becomes a setup for Mike’s anxiety and avoidance related food issues.

The setup is there for Mike to have avoidance/anxiety-related issues with food. It’s in the show, whether you’re comfortable with it or not.

I genuinely think that a lot of people on here (even those who have struggled with disordered eating themselves, because one person’s experience does NOT mean they understand everyone’s experience) could benefit from a deeper and wider understanding of what constitutes an eating disorder/disordered eating and various types of eating disorders, including ARFID. Disordered eating is far more common than people think it is, and it isn’t limited to “person who knowingly starves themselves because they hate their body,” it frequently has nothing to do with a person’s body at all, and just because you’ve had a different experience or a lack of knowledge of other experiences and research about eating disorders doesn’t negate the existence of knowledge and experiences that are different from yours.

Hopper very much deals with a disordered mentality around weight and food, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the same applies to Mike (albeit in a different way) considering how often the two of them are paralleled and how often those parallels are scenes that specifically relate to size/weight (see: Mike calling Hopper fat in S3, and the S4 hug scene where mike comments on Hopper’s weight/him shrinking).

I’ve repeatedly seen people say things about how there’s a “million other reasons,” for all of these scenes involving Mike and his food issues, and yet, they conveniently, never actually provide those magical alternate reasons, and would rather try and make people out as being weird for pointing out obvious subtext in the show. The evidence I’ve provided here is barely scraping the surface of all of the evidence that points towards Mike having food issues, and yet, people act like it’s some ridiculous stretch but also never actually provide an alternate explanation because apparently “the guy who’s frequently shown signs of anxiety and avoidance issues and self esteem issues and whose family dinner table is full of conflict and criticism directed at him has some anxiety and avoidance and self esteem issues that are tied to the conflict directed at him at his family dinner table,” is simply a far-off, insane stretch.

Begging people to put their thinking hats on and be willing to accept that their knowledge on a topic might be missing pieces and that they may be looking at a topic such as disordered eating through a narrow lens.

[toastandjamie]

So like, since I’m doing my re-read, I’ve reached The Great Hunt and it’s got me thinking about that of the three Ta’veren boys, Mat is the only one who doesn’t get a pov in the first two books. His first pov is book three and while he definitely makes up for lost time I’ve been thinking about it.

So, when I first read Eye of The World and The Great Hunt and joked with my dad about how Mat was virtually a ‘damsel in distress’ for Rand in the first two books. And while it’s Funny I think the actual reasons I got that vibe is the lack of agency.

So Mat gets daggered very early on in the first book and throughout the Camlyn Road-trip Mat’s main purpose is to be something Rand can worry over or be frustrated by. In writing a character Pov is a major way of establishing agency since it turns the character into an active participant in the story and while it’s not the only way to do this as seen by characters like Morraine and Lan who don’t have povs in the first book either but are still active characters. This becomes especially apparent in book 2 where the major motivation for the boys to even go on the hunt for the horn was to get the dagger back for Mat, so much so that it’s readily established that Rand wouldn’t have gone on the hunt point blank if it wasn’t for Mat and the dagger; yet Mat still has no pov in this book despite being the one primarily affected by losing the dagger. Mat is more or less used as a plot hook in the first two books to force Rand into situations he otherwise would not be in. Such as what happened at Four Kings where Rand repeatedly wants to leave and suggests doing so but Mat insists on staying so they don’t have to sleep in the rain or in the case of the hunt, causes Rand to participate in the hunt with a life or death ticking clock. We don’t get any incite beyond Perrin and Rand noting Mat’s physically declining health, growing paler, losing weight and looking sickly as the book goes on. Mat of course doesn’t ever acknowledge it in dialogue because it’s Mat so we as an audience never get any incite into how Mat feels about the fact that he’s quite literally dying since we don’t have the benefit of his internal monologue.

Compare this to a the time where they subverted the ‘damsel in distress’ trope. with Egwene, there are three major plot lines in which she’s captured and we have povs for all three and in each of those events she still has agency. Even in the damane arc where she is quite literally stripped of her agency she still feels like an active character because we see her trying to defy the Seanchen, she’s not simply a plot device needing to be rescued she’s a character experiencing trauma. Even when Rand was put in the box he continues to evolve as a character and so did Faile during her time with the Shaido. All three had povs, all three were still actively participating in their situation, we knew exactly how they felt about the horrible things happening to them and see them deal with them in ways that show their characterization and growth.

Mat receives none of that. Not until the third book at least when he’s finally freed from the dagger.

So what’s up with that? Well, it’s possibly intentional. Okay so, the dagger of Shader Logoth and it’s Evil overwrites or at least tries to overwrite the person it’s possessing, that’s it’s curse, you become one with the dagger and one with Shadar Logoth. So up until the point Mat is fully healed from the dagger he is not really himself. Even after Morraine partially heals him, calming him down and keeping it from getting worse he’s still not fully Himself, as evidence by his memory loss. Partly it’s repression, but it was also the dagger overwriting his pre-exiting memories, his personality, everything that made him him. In the simplest of terms, Mat quite literally Wasn’t really his own character until book three, in many ways he WAS the dagger. An object with no personal agency but a catalyst for other characters.

[nimhrudd]

Welcome Home A.R.G Crackcanons

Wally definitely feigns innocence because he’s the main character who has to “learn” with the audience

It’s canon that he thinks he’s handsome and enjoys admiring himself in the mirror, so he 100% knows about the simps and is super smug about it

With his soft voice and gentle demeanor, he really fits the “darling” reputation

Despite this, I do genuinely believe he’s a good person and means the best. My personal theory is that Home is manipulating Wally in some way to do their bidding.

(I picture Wally being manipulated by Home is a euphemism for paternal manipulation and depression. But that’s just a theory. A GAME THEORY-)

He strikes me as someone that everyone WANTS to be submissive, but is actually a very dominant

Barnaby and Frank have a SpongeBob-Squidward relationship

Barnaby goes out of his way to annoy Frank

Frank can respect the effort, but would never admit it

Barnaby calls Frank “Frankfurter” much to Frank’s dismay

Barnaby is Sans from UnderTale I don’t make the rules

A very easy-going, morally grey kinda guy. Super chill person who’s always down to have a good time.

He rarely gets embarrassed or flustered. Nothing really catches him off guard

Except anything having to do with romance. If someone flirts with him his brain short-circuits

Which is funny considering he’s definitely one to flirt with someone jokingly

He gives everyone in town unique nicknames

Barnaby has a lovely singing voice. He mostly enjoys singing jazz. But mostly he sticks to stand-up comedy

Howdy is Barnaby’s biggest fan

Howdy has control over the store radio and whenever there are no customers, he turns on hardcore rock. But you’d never know because he wears the same smile no matter the situation

You’d think that with all those legs that Howdy would be a klutz. On the contrary, he’s quite elegant and light-footed

Julie isn’t a klutz either, but she’s super forgetful. Head-in-the-clouds kinda person

Despite this, she always remembers the tiniest details about the most random things (ADHD lookin’ ah)

She’s definitely someone to collect rocks that she thinks are cool or feel nice on her hands

Her love language is touch but she hates being touched without permission

This leads to a few disputes between herself and Frank

Frank is the opposite tho. He acts like he hates being touched but he’s touchstarved

The only people allowed to touch him are Eddie and Julie

Sometimes Barnaby tries to touch Frank in subtle ways just to annoy him. (Such as noogying his head or poking his sides)

Frank LOVES bouncy, squishy stuff. It just scratches his brain just right

On the other hand, he HATES stuff that sticks to him.

For example, I imagine he’d be head over heels at the discovery of oobleck but would steer clear of glitter or anything that clings with static electricity

Because of the mentioned above, Frank has a VERY specific taste in clothing. He just hates the feel of certain fabrics

Knew he was in love with Eddie when the mailman was running to him happily, mail in hand, only to trip and face plant in the mud. Despite this, Eddie didn’t stop smiling

Himbo makes tsundere heart go brrrr

Neither one confessed to each other for AGES so Julie took it upon herself to put them into awkward situations

Cue Poppy “intervening”

Speaking of Poppy, she’s the resident mom-friend. Makes sure everyone’s taking care of themselves physically and emotionally

Despite this she always forgets to take care of herself

Poppy is SUCH a proud LGBT+ mom. Her house is a safe haven for the gays. I don’t make the rules

She’s a tall, elegant, lady, so she swoons at gentle ladies trying to sweep her off her feet

Literally such a sweetheart I love Poppy

Whereas Frank knows all the technical and sensical facts, Poppy is more worldly and wise. She’s been around the coop, so to speak

Im convinced Poppy knows everything about EVERYONE and spreads gossip just for the benefit of her neighbors

(For example she spread rumors that Frank was going to her house to get an engagement ring for Eddie. This wasn’t true, but it lead to both Frank AND Eddie barging into her house for an explanation. She simply placed two cups of tea and a tray of cookies and left them alone in the living room)

Barnaby likes to call her “Cupid” because of this

Poppy always shows up to one of her Neighbor’s events, whether it’s a show for Barnaby or a casting call for Sally

Sally loves the support of peacock mom

Sally writes all her own plays, but makes money by sending in her own transcripts under a pen name

She’s actually very famous under her pen name and is torn between revealing herself to the world and staying mysterious

Sally decides to remain anon so that she can focus on her acting

Spent years in the night sky, watching all the people in town and all their shenanigans. Many years passed before she could work up the courage to come down to introduce herself

Incredible actress, but she has social anxiety and is much calmer outside of a play

Adversely, once she’s got an idea, she’s ALL IN. All her brain cells go into that ONE project or idea, and she ends up dragging everyone along with her. A one track mind, if you will

Sally always casts herself as the lead, but if there are any other main characters or main antagonists she ALWAYS casts Wally to play the part

This low-key offends Barnaby, because he loves a good villain and always wants to play the part of antagonist

Sally always asks Julie to help her make the backdrops

All of the neighbors have fears of some sort, except for Wally

It’s kind of freaky that he never seems to give people the reaction their looking for

But ye Wally has emotions, he’s just INCREDIBLE at masking them

Wally loves eye contact because he believes that eyes are the window to the soul

It’s also an assertiveness thing but no one would ever guess cuz of his cutesy face

Wally def has a staring problem but smooth-talks his way out of any awkward situation that could come from it

Wally is demisexual. Though he loves people easily in the friendly sense, it takes a LONG time for him to fall for someone romantically. But once he does, it’s over for his love interest cuz he’ll become clingy AF

Barnaby is the opposite. He’s very in tune with his emotions and knows immediately when he likes someone. He just chooses to avoid the crap out of them as soon as he realizes. He just gets too embarrassed. I personally headcanon him as asexual

Julie is genderfluid and very similar to Wally. Though she isn’t demi, she loves all kinds of people equally. So it just takes a minute for her to decipher whether or not she loves someone NORMALLY or MORE than a friend.

Poppy is a classy lady who’s looking for a fellow lady to spend her life with. Since she’s got some experience, she’d probably take pride in playing the waiting game. Some subtle touches here, some lingering eye contact there… it’s a slow burn ladies and gents.

Frank is someone who prefers men (specifically Eddie. Good thing the feelings mutual.) likes his men dumb and well meaning.

Eddie prefers men as well. Specifically men who are serious and well read.

Howdy is pansexual, but isn’t really looking for a relationship due to his business.

Sally feels kinda like another asexual to me. But she’d like to be in a relationship with a friend. Like get married and share a life together without all the romancey stuff

Julie and Frank both have the same love language - physical touch. But in different ways as said earlier

Frank also prefers Acts of Service, like Howdy

Poppy enjoys gift giving

Sally and Barnaby enjoy words of affirmation

Wally is a casual Quality Time enjoyer

[archivalofsins]

Okay, with that out of the way. I'm at the halfway point of Caligula Effect 2 and as a filthy Caligula Effect player I will not take this slander anymore- Firstly, this game think it's fucking funny- HUH?!

Yamanaka think he's fucking funny pulling this shit directly after how dirty he narratively did Eiji Biwasaka- Forgiveness moving forward from the past letting people grow! Oh, we do that now?! What about that final destination death my guy? What about that? That karma shit everybody in the first go home club was talking all that good crap about.

Okay, fine pressing that hard to the side. That's not important anymore.

I mostly came here to say that it really seems like a lot of what good people are trying to find in the Milgram characters is like just legitimately the Caligula Effect 2 cast. To the point that it's like it can't be that because it's quite literally a character he's written before. The cop thing with Kazui um Shota is right fucking there. Shidou cool Docktor is right fucking there and I may be jumping the gun on that since I haven't finished his area. Yet, I feel super comfortable saying that anyhow.

It's just quite funny that many of the best interpretations of the characters the audience has had- The most benefit of the doubt filled interpretations or guesses about the reason behind their actions are legit just a description of a character from two. The most on the nose example of this being Mahiru and QP. Something that I don't even need to describe in writing one could just listen to this and get what I'm saying.

"This right here is how I truly am." "See look. I'll keep pursuing my paradise now. Oh, the pain- Pain. Damage: HIGH." - "I pretended to be a good girl, but really, I don't want to say "I'm ok"." "Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?"

Sure it's perfectly normal to create a favortie shape and love it. It's fine to create ones own personal interpretation of these characters and grow attached to them but- But! Will anyone try to even look past their own ego, their own desires for how they want these characters to be and just look at what's there before this ends. There's millions of possibilities so why just grow attached to the same old thing?

Because it's comfortable? Because it feels good? Because it's simple? This isn't meant to be simple. This is Milgram. if anyone wanted a simple truth something that could be wrapped up nice and neat it's right over there. Trying to force things into one mold for personal convenience isn't only harmful to others but oneself because people get it stuck in their head if this one thing can't be what they want then nothing can. When that simply isn't true.

Just because Milgram may not be that doesn't mean that thing doesn't exist out there somewhere. What happens when the character one has done this to no longer fits that mold? Would a person rather break themselves into bits trying to fit in or risk being broken standing out from being exactly who they are. What's a satisfying characterization? What makes a good character?

Is the way we an audienc can project on them? Relate to them? Is it how the story for them ends. Or is it that character being fully and unabashedly themselves? For all the good and bad that may cause. It's all subjective anyway. What makes a good character to one person will make a bad character to someone else.

This is what to me makes it super funny that a lot of the best assumptions people can give to the Milgram cast are so close to the stories of characters that came before them. By funny I mean super sad. Like how bad does a character need to be for the kindest interpretations of them to be in the shadow of characters the writer has made before.

That's so not interesting. What sort of writer wants to tell the same story over and over again? Wouldn't it be nice if everything could end up well. If all the milgram characters could learn, grow, and become better? Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could get along? Those sorts of questions. Those sorts of desires.

If that's a want one has then they may just enjoy Caligula Effect 2 more than they do Milgram. Because that just seems to be 2. From the looks of it Milgram isn't shaping up to be that sort of story. Though it definitely has a lot of Yamanaka's signature all over it and it's really great because through playing the games and looking at Milgram one has this nice experience of seeing a persons writing evolve over time.

Something that gives Milgram this rather unpredicatable feel that makes it even more entertaining. Also as it stands now I do still prefer Milgram to two in a lot of ways. Two is definitely not for everyone but the characters are still all pretty amazing (even though they're all grating as hell in their own ways). If I wasn't so sick to death of doing a shit ton of emotional labor I'd be enjoying it more. That was an issue I had with one as well.

So, I'll probably end up enjoying the experience more in hindsight like with that too. Definitely a difficult play though.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

"the entirety of this message is a problem and a projection - he doesn’t look pissed at natalie. no one was forced to be there. they did not look “distant”. they looked like two people with cameras shoved in their face and a whole mass of fans screaming for evan. i want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but please be serious and use not even critical thinking, just basic reasoning."

Admin, I really love you and I mostly agree with everything you say, I find you a breath of fresh air and reason in the fandom, or any fandom for that matter, because you remind me that truly funny and reasonable Evan fans exist and have a whole life of their own.

But, I think that you might be going to hard on the anon here 🥺 What they were trying to say, maybe, is that he seemed pissed. He did, what can you do? Maybe he wasn't,all they say is that he did seem pissed. As for the distant part, I don't know, they looked normal to me, but hey, I am not them,so how would I know. And how do we know that he was not forced to be there? Not by his gf of course, I don't think so, but by an agent / a deal? A deal he couldn't say no to because, you know marketing ties and everything? I'm just listing a couple of possibilities that may or may not be true. An anon a couple days ago in here ( I cannot find the post lol) has said that we don't know anything. I cannot say that Evan is happy, because I don't know. I can only say that he looks happy or he seems at a good place and hope for the best. We can only make assumptions, so why go hard on someone that insinuates anything that might actually be possible even by a tiny winiiiiee little bit?

Sorry for the long post, I hope my point is clear 🥺

Oh and I loved the new content from today, he does look uncomfortable but that's regular Evan in social situations I guess ✨ I loved his gf's dress too ❣️

first of all, thank you 💗 i hear you, and i genuinely do appreciate your perspective on this. but there’s a few things i want to expand on and be crystal clear about: there is no scenario in which it’s okay to make, nor entertain, entirely baseless accusations of domestic violence. this is not, and never can be, something we treat as a “let’s hear both sides” type situation. everyone who wants to play softball needs to remember how very quickly their words can sprout wings and start doing the rounds on social media, destroying an innocent persons character. some people may actually BE acting in good faith out of concern over the discourse they’re seeing about natalie potentially becoming violent with evan - again, based on dust. nothing. it’s already happening, and this is not okay. those that don’t want salacious and harmful rumors persisting must shut this down immediately and relegate those who play into it to the fringe parts of the fandom that no one takes seriously.

please take a moment to reflect back on the damage done during the worst of the brigade some fans started on frances. i literally spent hours debunking an elaborate plot where people photoshopped nude images of “evan” and his privates, fran’s tumblr page, AND patreon so that they could sell a story where she victimized evan and posted revenge porn. before that, these fans created a made up story about frances selling evan’s phone number to fans, and it STILL gets repeated years later. i’m sorry. i have thousands of people on this blog and with the audience i have, i DO have a responsibility to use strongly worded language to denounce people attempting to, or unwittingly going along with character assassination against a woman some hate simply due to her dating evan.

on a lesser note, i don’t find it appropriate to analyze every facial expression or movement actively looking for reasons to say they’re unhappy together, when we are quite literally discussing something that’s by nature, uncomfortable and unnatural. posing for photos in front of flashing lights, screaming fans, socializing with strangers… again, please place yourself in their position and try and imagine if you’d look jubilant and at ease. if you’d look like you were having fun and wanted to be there. now imagine you’re socially anxious as a person. i am asking people to stop seeking out negativity and projecting it onto these people - it’s not fair, and whether or not you are purposely trying to be problematic, it’s honestly just not necessary to paint every interaction in a negative light. as i said, i want to give the prior anon the benefit of the doubt that they got swept up in the negative commentary and baseless allegations.. and that’s why i responded to them directly. sometimes, we just need to take a breather and think critically before we put serious stuff like that out into the universe. i really hope that makes sense and you understand where i am coming from. 🫶🏼

[arsonasher12]

#1 Dead Poets Society (spoilers)

Dead Poets Society is one of my favourite films of all time. For a number of reasons and I hope to touch on all of these in this review.

First I want to start with the setting and tone of the film. The film was shot at St. Andrew's School Delaware, from 1988 to 1989. And I couldn't have picked a better place to film. It is incredible and so picturesque and it gives us beautiful shots like this.

These shots convey how remote the school really is. It also makes the film incredibly immersive. You can almost feel yourself being there.

I ,as I said, would also like to touch on the tone of breaking conformity. And something I have only noticed on my fourth watch of this film. That Neil ,in my opinion, is a metaphor for creativity and his father is a metaphor for conformity, and the film as a whole is a story of how conformity can (quite literally) kill creativity. That people should be allowed to express themselves and how they should be fulfilled in life by something other than their career that they should be filled with a deeper meaning, and purpose.

I also think the film benefits greatly because of the order they filmed it. They filmed it in chronological order. So the friendship of the boys formed naturally and you can really see this really translates through the screen. I think it really gives the film an extra sense of something.

The next 2 things I would like to mention are some of the things I dislike about the film. Such as the romance between Knox and Kris. I feel it is unnecessary, pointless and provides no greater meaning to the plot. It is shabby and not very well thought out, it also feels rushed and unrealistic. The only thing I like about this plot point is that them talking about girls all the time finally pays off. But I think it is an unfulfilling pay off u as an audience member you don't feel a great sense of wanting them to be together because it is so rushed. E.M Forster said that you have rounded characters, characters that are well thought out and planned, and you have flat characters, characters only used to move the plot along. In my opinion for an on screen romance to work you must have 2 rounded characters or the romance feels flat and without life.

The second thing I would like to mention is that I hate Cameron, and how that is a good thing. In DPS Cameron is one of the antagonist and throughout the film I always, even on my first watch, feel a great sense of hatred for Cameron. Even from his first line, "seems you got the new guy looks like a stiff." I hate him, and that is the exact emotion the film is trying to convey towards Cameron. I would also like to touch briefly on why I think his betrayal to the boys at the end of the film is amplified. I think it is amplified because of the loyalty the boys show through the film to each other. One example of this is when Charlie takes a beating from Mr Nolan and after that he still refused to give up the names of the boys. And for Cameron to just save his own back by giving there names up is utterly heartbreaking to see.

My last point will be about the casting of Robin Williams in this film, and what a red herring it was at the time of its release. Because prior to Dead Poets Society he had only portrayed comedic roles so everyone going into this film though it was going to be funny. But oh how wrong they were. I also think he is the perfect choice for this role. I couldn't have picked anyone better. He perfectly portrays the warmth and passion needed for the role of Mr Keating. I honestly can not praise him enough.

Anyway that was my review of 1989s Dead Poets Society. I will leave you with some of my favourite quotes from the film.

"O captain my captain."

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? "

"Carpe diem"

"I was good, I was really good."

[mad2001-4]

Tiny Apprentice chp.1

Virus looked around the hotel. He initially wasn't for this plan, especially seeing how the last time Vox attempted to send a spy went- a dumpster fire as per usual. He had been so adamant that he was not going to play bait. He may not be an overlord, but he was most certainly a step above those underlings and employees his 'mentors' kept on leashes. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Maybe he had been a tad hard on Vox. Perhaps it really wasn't his fault that it went up in flames the first time, perhaps Pentious really less capable than he seemed because this was a walk in the park. Despite Vaggie's obvious disdain for his being here, Charlie seemed thrilled, and it was quite clear to Virus who called the shots in the relationship, a funny thought to him as one would surely think it was Vaggie given Charlie's personality, but, maybe just like everything else in Hell, it was all about the hierarchy of power. Regardless, that wasn't any of Virus's concern. It actually worked in his benefit and Virus was nothing if not an opportunist.

He took in the newly built hotel's decor, photographs, paintings, portraits. All the necessary things that, in his opinion, screamed 'OLD'. He stared up at a portrait of Sir Pentious in the military garb he'd worn before being so spectacularly wiped out. He smiled faintly as he remembered watching the grand final battle with his three mentors. Sure, he had acted much more invested in his laptop at the time, that was his whole thing, after all, but it didn't mean he wasn't paying attention. It was an enjoyable time, like the family movie night he couldn't quite master when he was alive. Plus, well, it was hard to entirely ignore what with Vox's outbursts every few minutes when being an audience to Alastor's defeat.

Ah yes, the Radio Demon.

Virus hadn't seen a single spec of the fearsome being, it made him wonder if the theories that Alastor had sustained enough injuries to simply fall over double dead actually held some merit. He didn't believe it at first but proof did not lie. Vox would either be pleased or devastated. He wasn't sure, their relationship was... well.... Virus couldn't quite tell.

There was obvious bitterness and obsession on Vox's end which wasn't new behavior for his main teacher by any means, but it still felt different... personal. Virus couldn't describe it properly and it did him no good to figure it out. All he knew for sure was had Alastor taken Vox's offer to join the Vees, Virus himself would likely be another lowly sinner making his way through life. His apprenticeship only came about as Vox's 'F U' to Alastor to show he didn't need him, with the added bonus of seeming oh-so caring for the citizens he hypnotized on a daily by offering some poor sucker the opportunity to work and learn their ways. Virus just so happened to fit Vox's aesthetics, thus his high life in Hell began.

He snorted at the thought, "Thanks for that at least, you old bastard," he mumbled, turning to walk down the hall when a voice he hadn't expected to hear made him stop in his tracks.

"Oh now, is that vulgar language anyway for a young gentleman to speak?" a voice that was made for radio purred out mockingly, "I would've thought Vox taught you better," then he sighed mockingly, "but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

Virus slowly turned, tilting his head up to see Alastor himself standing by him. The teenaged sinner shuttered, he hadn't even heard Alastor come near him, it was as if he appeared from thin air, something Virus supposed wasn't impossible. He'd heard of Alastor, he'd seen his picture, but those were nothing like seeing the actual thing.

"I-I uh..." he stammered quietly; he wasn't expecting that. What was he supposed to say, to do? His hand instinctively felt for his phone, everything in him said to report to Vox, to seek out his guidance, but he kept his wit and willpower about himself. If he whipped it out and did so now, then he'd be no better than Pentious.

He paused, drawing a deep breath in, trying to regain his wits about himself, "Well, rehabilitation doesn't happen overnight... I'm sure with time that influence will disappear, though I'd say swearing is the least of the worries here seeing the company you keep around. An alcoholic, a porn star? Not exactly what one would consider the holiest of people."

Alastor chuckled, but it carried a very cold chill about it, enough to make Virus shiver again, trying to keep his face calm and not give into the fright.

"Better than a Vee in my opinion," Alastor hummed.

Virus pulled a face, then snorted again, "First I never even officially made it to that title," he pointed out, "secondly, I've got time to atone for that, considering I've only been in their graces for seven years, there's no telling how long those two have been at it."

"Oh, the naivety," Alastor hummed, "how interesting that that is a trait Vox decided my little replacement needed."

Virus blinked, caught off guard. The official surroundings of his position were never publicly discussed, did Alastor just know Vox that well, did he have his own spies around Vee tower, or was he really that smart? Virus wasn't sure he actually wanted an answer to that. He felt uncomfortable and really, he just wanted to get out of this situation before he actually gave into the urge to contact the closest thing he had to family. Alastor didn't give him the chance as he continued the thought, however.

"Though, I would've thought he'd do much better than a little pipsqueak such as yourself..." he looked Virus up and down.

Virus struggled not to squirm, "Real original," he drawled, "and is that meant to be a dig at my size or my age?"

"Hmm, does it matter?" Alastor waved his hands, green magic emitting from his palm and smoking and circling his fingertips, "Both will be affected, fixed to better suit you...." he assured.

Virus's brows knitted together, starting to take a step back, "What the fuck do you mea-ahh!" he yelped, movements suddenly stopped completely. He could only assume Alastor's powers paralyzed him.

"Oh please, dear boy. We all know you aren't really here to be rehabilitated. Though, I suppose I am giving you a chance to start over... knowing you, however, you will simply go rushing back to your precious Vees once I'm done with you. I'm not concerned either way," he monologued, shrugging as if bored, "none of you will be a threat to me. You even less so. You were not one before, but I can assure you will not be one now," he hummed, "you could say this is merely a curtesy warning.... There now, much better."

Virus felt free reign of his body again, he looked down to see what had been done to him. It didn't register right away, until he spoke, "W-wha-" he stopped, his voice, it was higher. He looked around his surroundings and it suddenly dawned on him. Things were much bigger, Alastor was much bigger. Before he at least reached his chest, now, he did good to reach his knee. He was smaller. Much smaller.

"I believe about five suits you well," Alastor commented, "what a joy it was to have you in our hotel."

Virus stared up at the wide, unnerving smile and tears filled his eyes, humiliation and fear filling his tiny body up to the brim. Then, without much second thought, he immediately took off. It might not have been his smartest idea. Hell was hardly safe, but he couldn't stay at that hotel like this. He needed to be home.

[thestobingirlie]

Omg yes, I've been part of lot of fandoms and most ending were like: a) the show got cancelled and the characters never got justice or ending for that matter, or unexpected cancellation so they had to tied up loose end to the season that in pre-prodution so most of the plotlines were never explained or they games of thrones type of ending, and if i am honest st started loosing sense once they decided to go the 'bigger is better - quantity over quality- which is visible in season 4, and then there you have bunch of people that will claim that everything was planned ahead even tho, stranger things was supposed to be anthology series meaning each story will be only season long and then move on to another plotline or story with different characters but Netflix/people feel in love with these characters so they kept writing for the characters that we know/love but sometimes the characters act ooc it's like those arcs were planned for different characters and they just kept the names of the characters from S1, or something like that and tbh the crew/cast seemed so enthusiastic to make this project that is homage for 80's but now it's like everyone lost passion/drive.. and you're famous on Twitter because of anon that kept going about Nancy and the kids but I'd like to add that Nancy knows those kids pre-pilot she played d&d with them but stopped playing because she grew up and high school might stressing for some and she wanted to date and stuff and there's nothing wrong with that, and she spent some part of 3 with them but considering people might forget because the show has huge gaps..

And what's your opinion on the Eddie Munson book?

yeah, i think from season 3 it became really obvious that certain plot lines and character arcs were being written to draw a bigger audience in, rather than for the benefit of the story. i don’t know if stranger things will burn down quite as badly as game of thrones, but i do agree that i think people see the duffers as… smarter than they really are? like, i’m not calling the duffers stupid or anything, but people are paying attention to tiny details that i don’t really think matter in the grand scheme of things. and though the duffers can come up with an incredible story and dynamic characters, they do have weak points. so yeah, i don’t know, i guess my attitude towards season 5 is basically just try not to get too excited, and there’s always fanfiction.

honestly, that’s kinda a boring reason. i don’t know, i feel like i’ve said more unpopular opinions before, but that’s what got people riled up? huh. anyway, thanks for telling me lol! and yeah, nancy has known the kids a long time, but it’s clear in s1 she isn’t close to them, and she doesn’t spend time with them. and people seem to think when i point that out i’m dragging nancy, which i’m not! like most of the st crew, they hang out when the world is ending, and clearly care about each other. but they don’t go out of their way to spend time together otherwise.

it’s actually kinda funny though, because steve antis have gone from calling steve pathetic for only have 14 year olds for friends, to desperately trying to prove that they are nancy’s friends. like i thought that was pathetic? pick a lane.

and i did speak about the eddie book when we first heard about it! but basically i don’t care much for it. i think it’s a money grab, and i can’t imagine the story being that entertaining because… it’s about eddie trying to get out of hawkins, and we know he doesn’t. he dies. what a pointless book. (oh and i know a lot of steddie’s are annoyed about him maybe having a female love interest, and i do not care about that at all, lmao. the book’s not even canon! and even if it was, i didn’t care about the duffers canon before, i’m not gonna start now.)

[storytime-reviews]

Wellmania Season 1 TV Review

When a health crisis forces a successful food writer to rethink her hard-partying ways, she jumps into a journey to get well — even if it kills her.

If you decide to start watching Wellmania thinking that it is going to delve into the good and bad of wellness trends, like the book that inspired it, then you would be mostly incorrect. Whilst the show uses these as a jumping off point to kickstart the narrative, these elements are barely present throughout the storyline. Instead, Wellmania is about the self sabotaging and self obsessed Liv (Celeste Barber) and how her actions impact on those around her...and herself. But it also culminates in a recognition of her trauma, and how that shaped the person she became.

The idea of wellness is simply present in the series as a means to an end, rather than any kind of exploration of the trends themselves. Liv needs to pass a medical fast so that she can get her green card back in time for a new career opportunity in the US, rather than being stranded in her home country, Australia. As such, she tries a variety of wellness techniques, which either don’t work at all, or don’t work fast enough for her. Inevitably, Liv gives up rather quickly, which appears to be rather typical for her. Instead, her rather strong desire to unhealthily and selfishly focus on this at the expense of all of her relationships ends up revealing aspects of herself she had all but pushed down since a traumatic event in her childhood. The more Liv pushes herself and pushes others away, the more these issues come to confront her.

What I found interesting is that I enjoyed the show even though I didn’t really like any of the characters. I didn’t like Liv because she is so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. Most of the time she only thinks about herself and refuses to acknowledge how her actions hurt others. But even then, I absolutely hated the ways in which so many of the other characters reacted to her. I think the only character I could stand was her best friend, Amy. Maybe because the audience sees all of Liv that even though I disliked her I sometimes felt sympathy, and felt irritated when other characters refused to give any benefit of the doubt and were in turn quite awful to her.

It’s funny because even though I disliked pretty much everyone, and the show was not about what I thought it would be about, I actually found it highly watchable. The actors themselves are fantastic.

[fearsmagazine]

FANGS OUT - Review

DISTRIBUTOR: Stadium Media

SYNOPSIS:  A Group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Dr. Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his blood thirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives - all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.

REVIEW: Filmmaker Dennis Devine to date has over 30 credits to his name, beginning with the first feature he directed in 1989, “Fatal Images.” That film was a genre film about a haunted camera possessed by a serial killer, and over the years he’s made numerous genre films, quite a few in the vampire genre. In FANGS OUT the head vampire uses the cover of a Mexican plastic surgery clinic to lure victims in.

The plot is a fun idea that begins to fall apart with burdensome cliches, bad one liners and tons of sexual innuendos and references that could have benefited from a polish by a female screenwriter. It amounts to soft-porn without the visuals. Three of the friends are there for the surgery and one is there for moral support. Almost every scene contains a moment where she questions the shadiness of the clinic. She also is a lesbian catholic school reject that the head vampire has an affinity for. Talk about back loading a character to fill plot holes! Once you get past the initial setup the story delivers everything you expect it to with no real surprises. The story attempts satire, possibly humor, but it tries too hard to get those laughs and the jokes fall like a lead balloon. There is a scene with nurse Anna and a random character that feels like a gag they shoehorned into the plot that could have been cut without any impact on the story.

The production values are uneven. There are times the cinematography is too hot. There are numerous annoying rough edits. There are scenes in the same location where there is an air unit running and as they cut between characters the background sound appears and disappears. The costumes look like bagged outfits from a ninety-nine cents store. The makeup on nurse Anna is bad, as are all the prosthetic fangs that look like bad dentures. The production design utilizes lots of fabric or sheets to turn rooms into operating rooms, in addition to protect the vampires from sunlight.

The performances are monotone. I’ve seen better performances in a porn films and I’m not talking about the sex scenes. It feels like they are all in on the joke and are nodding to each other thinking the audience won’t notice. There are a few times when actress Stacy Aung’s work rises above the rest for a moment, but it quickly degrades back to the same level as the rest of the cast. With the fangs in, it becomes difficult to understand what they are saying and it looks like they might spit them out any second.

FANGS OUT takes a timely topic and never hits its mark as it is stiffelled by lackluster production values, poor acting, and some sloppy writing. I’m a bit surprised because being familiar with some of director Dennis Devine’s other films, FANGS OUT feels rushed. Many of his films have that B movie feel, but there are good B movies and bad ones. Much like the character of Madison, I’m here to warn you that this is a bit shady.

Intentional or not, I did find it funny that many of the names in the cast sound like the names of porn stars and Veronica Ricci has done her share of them.

CAST: Stacy Aung, Samuel Code, Heidi Hemlock, Angel Juarez, Marlene McCohen, Jessie Vane, Brian Easter Jr, Desiree Estrada, Robert Rhine, Randy Oppenheimer and Veronica Ricci. CREW: Director/Cinematographer/Editor - Dennis Devine; Screenplay - Drake Cola & Dennis Devine; Producers - David S. Sterling & Randy Oppenheimer; Production Designer/Special Effects - Richard Calderon; Digital Effects - Jeff Leroy OFFICIAL: fangs-out.com FACEBOOK: N.A. TWITTER:  N.A. TRAILER: https://youtu.be/6MmtSXKjeT4 RELEASE DATE: On digital May 23rd, 2023

**Until we can all head back into the theaters our “COVID Reel Value” will be similar to how you rate a film on digital platforms - 👍 (Like), 👌 (It’s just okay),  or 👎 (Dislike)

Reviewed by Joseph B Mauceri

[drowninginredink]

If ur not up for your blog to become a discussion hub you can delete this ask but notthatalex' analogy of "but for some reason, people are really scared to roast you, excluding you entirely from that dynamic" I don't think quite makes sense. Within a friend group there Will be healthy boundaries. So therefore there should be some too when we joke to an audience. People roast and joke their friends because they know each other, have given the ok and know they dont hold ill will - if that isn't the case there's a clear problem that should be ideally addressed! Comedians like the ones in Smosh have a platform which I think is ok to demand it to be used responsibly. There's a difference in making a joke where the punchline is "get it ? it's a gay guy, that's funny on its own" and making a joke that happens to include gay guys/their experience for example. Also as much as we want them to, jokes can't exist in a political void. It's already been well documented that memes, jokes, comedy can be absolutely used as a propaganda tool and that some "jokes" are actually meant to represent the creator's political stance. A good example from not too long ago is Sacha Baron Cohen who lately appeared in the news for his Zionist beliefs, while he's built his career around making fun of "arabs" that people have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for for years saying it's "satire".

I mean my intention was never to be a discussion hub, but only because I never expected anyone to care enough about what I have to say to send me asks. So sure, let's do this!

But yeah, I would say I'm a bit more in favor of restricting comedians than Alex, but I think what you're saying is kind of misreading him. He made it pretty clear that there are good jokes and bad jokes you can make about anything. And my biggest opinion is, aside from the fact that yes, "I'm a gay guy and that's funny on its own" is problematic... It's also not funny. If you ask me, the biggest thing that makes something funny is surprise. And bigoted jokes are hacky. They're not creative. "Haha this group is bad/weird" is a thing we've all heard before. It's not unfunny when my family makes a joke about Chinese people eating dogs because it's racist, even though it very much is, it's unfunny because I've heard that joke a million times.

But I think the friendship example is actually perfect because roasting a friend requires knowledge of said friend beyond hacky stereotypes, so it's going to have to go beyond easy bigoted jokes. Again, I do agree with Alex in the sense that you can joke about anything, but you've got to do it well. And again, bigoted jokes just aren't funny. They're all overplayed. The only reason people find them funny is because they agree with them.

And yeah, it does suck to be the person in the friendgroup who feels like they're being treated with kid gloves. It's all about knowing people's lines. I know seeing the TNTL roasts of Angela made me so uncomfortable at first because I basically am Angela and the particular points they were hitting are things I'm super sensitive about. So if I were her, I would have felt like absolute shit. And then I saw her say how much that made her happy because she felt seen, and how it meant so much to her. And that's made me actually really embrace that view of it and encourage my friends to roast me like that. Because you know what? This is who I am, and I do want you all to see me in my cringe glory. Because being cringe is a good thing. So like, to me, that's what Alex is saying. You've got to know the lines, but imagine how it'd look if they never went after Angela.

Also I don't exactly keep up with Cohen, but I have seen... Whatever the name of that movie was over my brother's shoulder and needless to say, it was a yikes and I don't know how we let anyone who made it say he was at all progressive. I mean, to be fair, of course it was a yikes. If my dad likes a thing, that's always a red flag.

[enneamage]

Wouldn't mind a comparison between the Sorry Boys and Generation Loss projects if you think it would be worth the effort and reveal anything about the players. What struck me the most watching Generation Loss (and this might have just been because of Charlie's inclusion) is that this was Ranboo's take on a partially improv-based group project like the Sorry Boys. It just took on an entirely different flavor due to Ranboo's own sensibilities.

I also think the actors involved here at a LOT more structure to work off of compared to the average Sorry Boys production, and I quite liked that (I also wonder how much influence Jerma had because the point-and-click adventure game elements you mentioned also remind me a lot of his interests.), but I'm curious what sort of audience this project will have in the end.I feel like it's too mature for much mcyt crossover, but too silly for Jerma's crowd or mainstream Twitch. Not enough of the characters/actors being in actual distress... at least for now. Although kudos to Ranboo for hiding that he was being burned by a wire for a portion of that performance. I had no idea.

I got this ask on day one when it looked like things were going to be more improv based (and episode two very much was) but I kept it in my hat to see how the project and the cast played out. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that Genloss was improvised for convenience, in the sense that it would have been more work to memorise a full script than knowing the plot beats and filling the rest in with open-ended dialogue. The choice feature also made things work better with a lock of script because memorising the variables would be hell on earth, so improv and ‘natural dialogue’ seemed like the best option. It was more scripted overall, but sometimes the structure of what was meant to happen seemed to prevent the players from going far enough off the rails to find things to do in the stalled-out parts (mousetrap room was tough.)

As an aside, I think genloss would have benefited from Ranboo doing some ‘yes, and’. They were in disbelief and shutting everything down as protag, which was fair for the serious bits but it happened with the jokes too; it would have been easy enough to fix by anyone saying something in rehearsal so it’s kind of a shared flaw now. They’ve got a quick brain and can be funny in Sorry, but they needed to give themselves the permission to move past denial/astonishment as protag in GL. 

The eternal shapeshifter-ly goop of Charlie managed to make it into all three episodes, to a level I was surprised by. I guess people knew that they had a good thing going with him but I did not expect from his role in part one that he would become like… the main secondary character, even over Sneeg, who looked like he would have the most rollover in the beginning. I wonder if his part grew over time as the script was written.

I can actually see people getting endeared to a project that starts off like this and slowly gets better at being genuinely creepy with different installments, a little “look at them go ⭐" narrative. Ranboo is an identifiable type of person for a reason, there are many others who share their tastes and preferences when it comes to the things they think are cool, so I could see a future where this appeals to more than just boobers/boober adjacent people, but it doesn’t look like things have broken out of the circle yet.  Youtube has a bigger reach than Twitch when it comes to circulating content so we’ll see how Genloss does once it’s cut and archived publicly.

[asexualzoro]

Lew's guide to leaving long and detailed comments on fic--what to say and how to say it

there is little else that brings me joy in the world quite like leaving long, rambly, detailed comments on fic. maybe it's just the undiagnosed-probable-adhd-or-whatever, but i love having any opportunity to gush extensively about things i enjoy (as i'm doing right now). who better to gush to about a fic than the author?

however, when ive spoken occasionally to friends about fic and comments, i've seen a lot of the same sentiment. "I would love to leave more detailed comments, i just don't know what to say!"

many people will tell you that a comment can be as simple as "<3" or "[incoherent screaming]" or "this was great! second kudos!" this is true, but it leaves you with very vague and unspecific comments. i'm here to tell you how to do more than that!

what it boils down to is details.

in all writing, being specific can really strengthen a piece. i believe a comment is no different. the easiest thing you can do is copy-paste (or, if you're on your phone, remember and paraphrase) lines you like, but anything is good. include a quote you liked, paraphrase a joke. "i loved the joke [Character] said about the airplane" or "that section about the doll was really pretty!"

once i've found the detail(s) i liked, i then elaborate why i liked them! was it a joke that made me laugh? something soul-crushing that i want them to be aware of for making me suffer? "i loved the section of prose about the tree on the hill. it was gorgeous, and the writing made me feel really bittersweet."

i then will try to say more than "this made me laugh/cry/etc". yeah, it did, but why? "the way A and B were joking in this scene made me feel happy" is good to include! adding "it shows how far they've come from their argument in chapter 3" is great!

i try to make each detail i talk about be like... 3+ sentences. this is a detail i liked. this is how it made me feel. this is specifically why it made me feel the way it did.

(if you happen to be thinking "hey, lew, this sounds like a book report" know that i am, uh,

...aware.)

(meg, if you see this, this is still the best thing anyone has ever said to me)

once you've done these steps, you've got a pretty solid comment! all you have to do is stack a handful of details you loved, some elaborations on to why, and you've got a damn good comment. plus, when you do this, it's not only the author who benefits. but, life-hack, it can often benefit you, the reader!

being specific and detailed with a comment can help the author see what audience likes, which can influence them to make more of that thing.

"I loved this fic!" will get a happy author.

"i loved this fic because i love your sense of humor, especially the way you characterize this guy and his dynamic with his friend!" will get you a happy author whose writing you like who is now more inclined to write something funny about your favorite characters

furthermore, it helps you actually encode the fic and remember it. if you're reading something ongoing, being detailed in your comments will help you remember what's happening in the plot and keep it in your mind moving forward.

if you're also a writer, taking note of what you like in other fic will help you when you write your own. this is what writers mean when they say "read more" when giving advice to new writers--critical thought in your reading will help you in your writing

now, i'm not done with this post yet! if you want to read the ramblings of a lunatic who loves to comment, then keep reading

alright, so i have a ton more under this cut, so be excited for that i guess. i just think commenting is a lot of fun, so i have a lot of suggestions of things you can consider when leaving comments. if you can take away just one or two tips from this, i'll be happy!

first, here is how i decide when i have Enough details, and how i go about the actual act of writing and formatting my comments:

for chapters or oneshots with multiple scenes, i try to hit on at least one detail i liked per scene. it's nice to do more, of course, but just one detail is enough. something as simple as "i loved the humor in the second scene! the joke about the cake batter especially made me laugh! it really sounded like something she would say!" doing it like this helps me keep the comment i guess "proportional" to how long the piece i'm reading is.

when i'm writing my comment, i do a new section per every Thing, so like. praise for A's characterization in the first scene, then a new line for B and C's interaction in the first scene. this is more for readability than anything, but it also makes the comment look longer--something i know an author will appreciate, since i'm also someone who writes fic lmao.

i do lots of jumping around when im writing my comment. i often bullet out a bunch of stuff i wanna hit with one sentence, and then double back to elaborate. i think it's easier to do this and get out all my gut reactions and helps me make sure i dont forget any of the details i like, then i can get into my elaborations without worrying im going to lose any of the details i liked. plus, its easier to sort out what i'm feeling once i've got my list!

next, how to decide what details to pick.

first, the Intro To Details, here's stuff you can look out for

thoughtful characterization--sometimes you read a fic and you see an author just gets a character. let them know! do you think his dialogue sounds like something he would really say? do you think her actions at a tense scene made sense for her character? do you like the arc that a character is going on? these are things to look out for and note!

enjoyable dynamics between characters--what's better than one character? two! if i had a nickel for every time ive commented on how much the dialogue between two friends in a fic i'm reading sounds cozy/comfortable i would be a millionaire. comment on stuff like how a dynamic changes throughout a fic too, esp if you're reading ship fic

beautiful prose--did some description of a setting take your breath away? could you picture the place oh-so clearly? tell them!

prose which is NOT beautiful--i read plenty of horror fic, so sometimes the prose isn't pretty. sometimes it's graphic detail about worms in someone's flesh, or someone being crushed to death, or what have you. did it make me cringe? did it make my skin crawl? did it make me want to crawl into a hole and never come out? great!

interesting or affecting descriptions--did the way an author laid out a certain's character's feelings on an event/person/action knock you off your feet? if describing a character's resolve in a tense scene as a raging storm blows you away, note that! this is a good place to pick specific quotes.

action scenes--this might just be me talking as a writer, but action is so fucking hard to write. when i read a good action/fight scene i always point it out. if its exciting/engaging, has you on the edge of your seat, if you cant put the fic down and look away... all of that is stuff you want to point out!

another genre specific ones, but if you're reading something with an element of mystery, try pointing out details you think are important. maybe you can't solve the mystery, but if you say "i noticed [name] take something from the table--what did he take? why did he need it? did [name2] notice?" then you at least know you're paying attention. this also helps you remember those details, which can help you later in any ongoing story!

jokes that made me laugh--bonus points if you can point out what's funny about it. is it clever? dry humor you like? just silly and stupid and made you smile? say so!

if you're reading an AU fic, it's always good to point out details about the adaption. if you enjoy the worldbuilding in the fantasy au you're reading, or you think the powers the author picked for the superhero au are really fitting, or you just think the job of this side character in the coffee shop au is funny, say so!

demonstrations of technical skill--sometimes you see a sentence and you know if it was worded any other way it just wouldn't hit as hard. sentences that make nice use of alliteration, for example, or effective use of parallelism or repetition. if the way a sentence is structured compels you, point it out! it's nice to hear! this is ALSO a good place to pick specific quotes. (this one is especially fun to note if you're a writer, because it can help you out! if you like the way an author writes, being able to identify and explain what you like about it will help you in your own writing!)

every time you laugh, every time you gasp, every time your eyes water. cite specific lines and details if you can. i've read a fic that stressed me out so bad i had to repeatedly put my phone down and take breathers, and the author LOVED that i kept a list of every part that made me have to go take a walk.

all in all, just find what makes you like a fic. why are you reading this fic instead of a different one? what makes this fic special? identify that and show it!

now, the less-obvious details i like to watch for

if i wrote this chapter, what would i be proud of? what would i most what to see people comment on? one of my favorite things is when i read a specific bit of wordplay or clever phrasing that i know, if i had wrote it, would have been my favorite parts. i try to note those when i can.

on the other end, i also like to point out stuff i don't think the writer would expect. i read a fic this morning which, after a long, tense, dangerous plot, had a scene in the last chapter about making cake. in it was a detail, delivered almost as an aside, about how much of a sweet tooth one of the more tough, stoic characters had. after everything that had happened in the story, that detail really got me, and i made sure to note how much i loved it

this one's really silly but if they use a song lyric for their title and you know/like that song say so. there's someone who does that for one of my fics when they know the song and i feel so fuckin vindicated every time

now i will admit this one is kind of an unhinged thing to do, however it's one i do a lot: i try to think about what other readers would mention, and make sure i'm NOT picking that. after all, i want the author to get recognition for the whole chapter, not just the Big Thing that happened. if a long chapter ends with someone pulling out a gun, you know every single comment is gonna be something like "[name] has a gun!!!", so say literally anything else. for example, if there's a big plot twist at the end of the chapter....

i know that half the comments are gonna be "[BIG PLOT TWIST]!!!!" and, often, nothing else. so ill look for something else to mention (esp in that scene!). it can be a little disheartening as a writer to do a lot in one chapter, and then have it all be outshined by an offhand joke or a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, so i try to do what i can to cover the rest

im probably not immune to hypothetical big plot twist, so when i touch on it, i try to go into more detail than "omg plot twist" and talk about something that's effective about it. did i see it coming? can i look back now and see the signs? how does this effect what i thought was going to happen? what do i think will happen next?

now that you've got how to note down details that ARE in the fic, i'm going to note some details that AREN'T. a lot of this is stuff that can help you think more deeply about the fic you're reading, which is good for you developing your critical thinking skills as both a writer and a reader, as well as improving your ability to remember the piece you're reading

(obviously, this doesn't need to be on every fic, but if a fic engages you enough to get these kinds of thoughts going, you should say so!)

theorize! it proves you're paying attention and thinking about the piece! guess what is going to happen next! use evidence, and cite those specific details. "[name] said this and did that, those were both suspicious. does this mean he was the killer?"

theorizing is fun, too, even if you're wrong--one of my favorite reviews ive ever received was a long theory where the commenter was very blatantly wrong. i loved it because, even if they didnt come to the conclusion id intended, they pointed out a lot of details id been careful about including to back their theory up, and it was nice to see those things noticed!

related: if you don't have evidence-based theories, then speculate! wonder about how characters are going to react to the events of the chapter, talk about what the protagonist might do next, express concern or excitement about a potential direction the plot might go. "some of these details look like they're pointing to [name]'s escape failing... does his captor already know what he's planning?" or "she got the letter... i don't think she's going to read it, but if she does, i hope she'll realize he's lying."

(and, here's a secret: sometimes saying something like "I wonder how [name] is going to react to [event]? i think she might do [action] or feel [emotion]" can also help the writer out! because maybe they hadn't thought of it like that, and now that you've raised this point, it can help them when they're writing the next part. maybe you're right, she will react a certain way--but only because you pointed it out!)

(theories and speculation can ALSO help an author who hasn't yet totally decided on their fic's ending, lmao)

now, my final, more miscellaneous tips:

abandon shame. gush a ton. say stupid shit. be excited. flattery (when genuine) will get you everywhere, lmao.

mention how you got to this fic, and/or if you're thinking about it when you're not reading it. "i'm rereading this," "i'm reading this because my friend recommended it to me," "i was just thinking/talking about this yesterday so i'm so excited to see it update now," "every time you update i drop everything to read this"... these are all great! i once left a comment which included a count of every time my roommate looked over at my expression/reactions when reading and asked me if i was okay. all these details serve to remind the author "there's a real person reading your work and enjoying it," and i know that when i write, i love to know people are excited about my work or that it lingers with them even when theyre not reading it

im constantly studying and remembering comments i get on my fic that made me happy, analyzing what i liked about those comments, and trying to do the same for other people. many of these tips are things i noticed in my own comment section that i enjoyed!

NOW, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS. i'm sure you can tell by the size of this post that i'm already prone to talking a lot, but I don't even do everything here all at once in every review i write. but, still, i hope that this helps in showing things you can think about when you write a comment!

EDIT 05/13/22: this post got a little uptick in notes, and there’s really only one thing i just want to add.

thoughtful commenting is, in my opinion, a skill, just like anything else! to do really well at it, you’ll need to practice! so leave lots of comments doing just one or two of these things at a time. soon you’ll end up with a toolbox like the one i’ve laid out!

it’s also a lot easier to think up stuff you liked if you’re already talking, so even if you’re not sure what to say, start typing. once you’ve got the ball rolling, the rest will often come to you much more easily

[lovelysho]

two to go, please.

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: what’s it like to fuck these two hotties in front of a live audience? let’s find out, yeah? and make sure you smile real big while you’re at it. you know the camera loves you.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 — mdni 18+, modern college au, camboy/camgirl au, bounce between past and present tense, voyeurism, threesome, creampie, recording, activities in the movie theater, praise/degradation, oral, rough sex, strangers to friends with benefits turned work partners.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 — megumi fushiguro & yuji itadori.

𝐰 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 — 3.7k+

For some time now, you’ve become well acquainted with one Megumi Fushiguro and one Yuuji Itadori. It had been a normal day unlike any other as far as you could tell. You’d been walking down the street having just left your apartment on campus, on your way to your favorite café for your morning fix. Looking back, you could say you were in your own little world. Shoes rapping against the harsh concrete, hair flowing in the near fall wind, pretty acrylic nails tapping gently along your phone with one hand while the other made work to adjust the AirPod in your ear.

By now it’s your turn in line, and the raven haired man asks what you’d like, despite already knowing. You were a frequent customer, and he could always be found working the morning shift. So, with that shining smile of yours you repeat your order for the third time so far that week, a ritual of sorts.

By now it’s your turn in line, and the raven haired man asks what you’d like, despite already knowing. You were a frequent customer, and he could always be found working the morning shift. So, with that shining smile of yours you repeat your order for the third time so far that week, a ritual of sorts.

By now it’s your turn in line, and the raven haired man asks what you’d like, despite already knowing. You were a frequent customer, and he could always be found working the morning shift. So, with that shining smile of yours you repeat your order for the third time so far that week, a ritual of sorts.

When he’s done scribbling your name on the cup with his marker, it’s only then do you realize that you left your card at home. He doesn’t miss the way your eyebrows furrow, the rustling of your bag, and the face palm you give yourself; and apparently neither does another because as soon as you’re fixing to tell this man that you’re out of luck, you hear a voice. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll cover you.”

You turn and find warm eyes staring into your own. “Oh no!” You let out, a hand raised. “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

Strawberry blonde hair bounces as he shakes his head. “But you didn’t ask, I’m offering.”

Truth be told, you thought it was sweet of him, but this man was a stranger and you couldn’t help feeling a little bad that he’d be spending his money on you. That he could he using it for something that he wanted, no matter the cost.

Sensing your hesitation, he pulls out some bills and hands it to the cashier. “Seriously, it’s like what, a coffee and a breakfast sandwich? Don’t sweat it.”

“Well...thank you. I appreciate it ‘cause I’d have been pissed all day if I didn’t get my daily dose.” He laughs at that, muttering in agreement that he ‘feels that,’ and within the next few minutes you’re out the door on your way to first session with your flavored iced coffee and breakfast bagel in hand.

It’s funny to think about because you’re not quite sure what had gotten into you. You don’t know if it was just however you happened to be feeling in that particular moment, or if it was something else entirely; but after months of frequenting the same spot, something in you began to notice the features of the man who always seemed to be helping you for the day. Pretty dark lashes that brushed against his pale skin every time he blinked, accompanied by sapphire blue like eyes; and it’s only now that you’re realizing that his hair is also a shade of blue in its own, dark and deep; which could be considered black in certain lighting, something you had offhandedly mistaken it for previously.

Tilting your head you continue to get a good look at him as he finished whatever maneuvering behind the counter. Looking up to find you staring, he immediately let’s out, “What?” It wasn’t rude. Simply just wondering, but you had been caught nonetheless.

“Oh shit, was I staring? I’m sorry.” If it weren’t for his overall nonchalant demeanor getting in the way, you would’ve gotten a laugh out of him at your blunt yet cute way of inquiry. He just nods because you were, in fact, ogling. You glance down at his name tag. “Megumi, huh?” You say, letting the name sit on your tongue. It’s around this same time that you’re beginning to understand that maybe the pleasure of each of these interactions wasn’t his, but it was yours.

From then on you began to converse more and more with him. Each day, getting a little closer to becoming acquaintances, and even exchanging what you would consider banter. You were surprised to find him opening up, after some time of believing he didn’t even like you at all. You’d just learned, that that’s how he chose to present himself, that you couldn’t have been further from the truth, because if he didn’t like you why would he be knuckles deep in your cunt every chance he got? Dropping by your place, or either you by his after he shoots you a quick text telling you how much he misses his girl. Now that could mean you, but you’re more than sure he means his girl between your legs. The one that just gets soaked at the sheer thought of him filling her up.

If he didn’t like you at all, why would he make you ride his cock? It being one of his favorite positions because he gets to see your tits bounce as he uses his hands to guide you up and down his shaft. Always the one to let out little encouragements, because he knows he’s big and he knows you’re tired.

“That’s right baby, ride it just like that. Ah Fuck, keep doing it just like that. I’ve got you.”

And he did have you, in every way imaginable.

You had come to a halt as you were just about to pass one of the many benches scattered across campus. You pause because you remember him. The sweet stranger who paid for your breakfast that day; and it just so happens that he remembers you too. Your eyes meet and he lifts his hand, giving you a small wave, ushering you over. “Hey, stranger.”

It couldn’t have been any more spot on. The term usually used between actual friends, whom in which haven’t seen each other for quite some time. However, you two were practically that. Strangers. Even still, you took a seat beside him, legs crossed as you gave him a brief once over. You nod. “Mhmmm, long time no see.” Another fact. You hadn’t seen him since that one encounter, which was sad given that he crossed your mind often for the duration of that entire day.

Not only was he sweet, but he was a cutie. His skin a bit on the tanner side, sharp cheekbones with a sharp jawline, pretty brown eyes that you had caught onto before, and that strawberry blonde hair stood out once again; but this time you take notice of its tendrils dipping into a dark brown undercut. Scratch that — he was very cute.

His arm is stretched over the top of the bench. His knee bouncing gently up and down, and you’d think it’s corny if he didn’t seem so laid back, and just overall not that type of guy in nature. His chill, but upbeat voice cuts into your train of thought. “Yeah, I go there sometimes for my friend. They’ve got good stuff, but I’m rarely there too much.”

Of course. “No wonder I haven’t seen you since. I might as well add onto the rent with the way I’m in there everyday.” You scoff playfully, and he chuckles.

He reaches his hand out. “Yuuji, Itadori. You?”

“(First name), (Last name).” You offer him in return.

“That’s pretty, it definitely suits you.” He gives you a cheeky smile.

“You think?” You bite your lips, trying to hold back the grin threatening to grace them.

And suit you it did. In later days to come you’d hear that same voice moaning your name as you clenched around him. Your ass bouncing, from his beautifully paced thrusts. He was the one hitting your cervix repeatedly, but you could’ve sworn that he enjoyed the sound of your name escaping his lips entirely too much not to let you know how good you feel wrapped around him, how good his dick feels sheathed inside of you.

“Holy shit, (Name), your pussy feels so fucking good.” And you love it because the words sound so gentle tumbling out of his mouth, despite the filth laced between them. And as you reach the peak of your third orgasm that day, it’s quite clear that it’d be hard not to smile around Yuuji Itadori even if you tried. You lazily fall back into his arms, giving him the softest of kisses before letting your head lay back on his shoulder, lips upturned in bliss.

It’s only some time later that you find out they’re good friends; and even still to this day, you don’t know that they’d both had their sights set on you from the beginning. That every time you’d walk through the door, Megumi’s heart would beat just a little bit faster. That whenever you hung out with Yuuji he just couldn’t seem to take his eyes off you for longer than a minute. You were just that gorgeous to him.

Here’s how it happens. Late October, one day you ask Megumi if he’d like to see the new slasher film coming out that Friday with you; but he lets you know he’s got movie plans with a friend of his, tells you that you’re welcome to tag along, though. So, you did.

To see Yuuji meet you out front after purchasing your tickets with Megumi was a shock to say the least. After some back and forth it was quickly revealed that you clearly had some things going on with the both of them; and honestly it’s not a fault on your end. You were confused, positive that you didn’t remember them being too friendly that one day; but upon having the conversation the dots started to connect in your head. Well, one at least. Itadori did say that he’d come to that café for his friend; but you couldn’t be blamed for that, it could’ve meant anything, could’ve been anyone.

However, they didn’t blame you. It was a bit crazy to think about having sex with two friends who were close, but you weren’t exclusive. You were just someone who they enjoyed spending time with, amongst other things. You knew this to be so, because they were cool about it. So cool that the buttery popcorn you said you craved so much had been knocked over sometime around the middle of the film. The blue raspberry and cherry slushy long since forgotten and melted as Megumi lifts the hem of your turtleneck dress, pulling your lace panties to the side so he can bury his fingers, once again, inside your cunt. Meanwhile, Yuuji pulls the thick fabric down so that he can suck at your pulse point, just below your ear, earning a moan from you that just so happened to be well timed with the screams of the movie, and for sure forming a bruise that you’d have to conceal sometime later.

If anyone asks, you don’t know how it happened. You honestly hadn’t the slightest clue. All you know is the sound of your heeled boots could be heard clicking against the pavement as they each grabbed your hands, dragging you away from the theater, away from an unfinished horror film, and into one of their apartments as soon as possible.

Now look at you. It had been a few months since and you three had grown far closer than you could’ve ever imagined. What with you sat naked, bare in between Yuuji’s thighs and all, nothing but a thin sheet to cover your body. A certain dark haired man’s fingers smoothing over the mouse board of the laptop placed on the stand at far end of the bed. He turns around to glance at the two of you. “Ready?” A nod of confirmation from you, and a thumbs up from the man behind was all that was needed.

And with the click of a button.

Begin Stream.

You were a go.

You start off with a greeting as per usual. It’s all smiles from the two goofballs of the group while Megumi’s blue eyes roam along the chat.

prettybaby01: finally! we missed you so much

dirtydan500: been dying to see y’all again

mistressmania: oh my god. is this who I think it is?

You move forward to give them a wave, smile bright. Manicured nails shining from the little light within the space as you hold the sheet above your chest, shoving Megumi in the process. This earns an eye-roll from him and a spam in the chat. Many of them mentioning how much they missed his attitude and your play-like love hate relationship.

After some time, having gotten used to fooling around with one another, you began to crave the both of them more and more. You wanted them at times where you couldn’t have them, and that just simply wouldn’t do; but you weren’t alone in the sentiment. Maybe your favorite happy go lucky boy was in class, and you’d shoot him a video of you rubbing your clit as you told him how much you needed him. He’d pull his headphones out and try to keep the tightness growing in his lower abdomen at bay; and maybe he gets you back, sends you a pic of his dick hitting his stomach, precum smeared near his belly button with a cute text to follow it up.

yuuji: (1 image) got hard just thinking of you. ♡

Megumi wasn’t exempt from these shenanigans either. It was a good thing you had going, whatever you wanna call it. You couldn’t help but think it was the cutest thing when you saw one day that Yuuji had a pic of you as his lock screen. Photographed, you sat on the same bench where you’d ‘met,’ legs crossed with a cup of ice cream in hand and spoon in your mouth as he snapped the quick photo.

They simply loved you, but you felt the same. You were all equally obsessed.

So, at some point you started filming when you fucked. You’d prop your phone on the side table, lips sore and raw from biting them as they had their way with you. Truth be told, you all just simply loved the way you looked on camera. You loved when you could play it back and see your pussy swallow them whole, when they could see what particular thrust made your eyebrows furrow and your lip twitch as you creamed around them.

Thus, the streaming began. You’d really only started it for fun, them being few far and between. So, people really appreciated whenever they got to see new content from you three. Turns out others enjoyed your chemistry behind the lens just as much as you did, maybe even more so.

You were always trending whenever you decided to go live, racking up tips and donations, that you three would end up splitting evenly when it was all over. Naturally, you did your own thing as well. Rarely ever did you take requests on how to treat each other, what acts to preform, and people seemed to admire that. It was authentic and fresh.

You shoved him again, biting back a laugh — when he grabs the back of your neck bringing your face close to his. “Fuckin quit it.”

“Or what?” You raise a hand reaching out to push at his chest only to be shoved down completely. Your back pressed into the mattress as he hovers over you, lean arms holding himself up. He wastes no time wrapping a hand around your throat and applying pressure.

“Yuuji?!” You turn your head, in a pleading manner as if you wouldn’t clench your thighs together had Meg not been between them.

He raises his hands up in defense. “Hey, don’t blame me, baby. You were the one doing all the shoving.”

“Don’t look at him. Look at me.” You hear from above you, immediately capturing your attention. And he’s so close now. You swear you could feel his lashes brush your skin before his lips were on yours. It was hot and rough, your tongues mingling. It was a lot for you to take so suddenly. That was as intended, you’re sure; but fuck did it feel good because you felt the thin sheet sliding down your body as he trailed harsh kisses over the parts that had been covered: your neck, your collarbone, your tits, that he made sure to swirl his tongue around biting at the pert buds.

“Meg,” you begin. “Meg, okay I get it I-I’m sorry...” you trail off into a moan.

“I don’t think you do. Get up.” He pats your thigh.

And you do as you’re told, back between Yuuji’s thighs where you started.

“Spread your legs for me,” he demands.

“Good girl,” You hear in your ear, big hands coming up to fondle your tits giving them a gentle squeeze. You throw your head back on his shoulder at the sensation. You’d picked the perfect day to stream. You were so sensitive.

Megumi’s on his stomach now, face level with your most vulnerable part; and you’d be shy if it weren’t something you were so used to. “Already wet, huh? You like that shit, don’t you? Like pickin with me to get your pussy wet? You fuckin slut.” He doesn’t even give you time to respond before the muscle that was just down your throat is licking at your folds.

“Ahh...gumi. Feels so...”

“So what, angel? Use your words.” Yuuji mutters from behind you.

“So good,” you manage to say. You’re faintly aware of Itadori’s cock against your back, hard and tip leaking. You were so close, your back firm against his chest, his hands reached forward to tease at your nipples just how he knows you like. “So so good.”

“Yeah, I bet.” Megumi lifts up, grabbing your thighs and pulling your body towards him. You let out a yelp at the action, your head now rested on Yuuji’s stomach. He grabs his dick and gives your cunt a few light taps. He was on the lengthier side, the tip a throbbing red color, whereas Yuuji’s had more girth, and was almost a pale shade of pink. Nevertheless, that were both hitting spots you could never reach on your own. He lines himself at your entrance and sinks in to the hilt.

“Fuck,” falls from both of your lips and you’ll never get tired of that first contact. That first insertion always get’s you going.

“Move, please move!” You tell him; and you’re reaching back, mouth agape as you grab Yuuji’s muscled forearms, trying to grasp onto something, anything as Megumi aligns his hips with yours over and over. He’s going so deep, ass clenching each time he pulls out only to shove himself back in.

“Gumi, if you keep going I’m gonna —”

“Yeah?” Yuuji asks. “Gonna cum? Let me help.” His fingers quickly find your clit, rubbing circles in time with Megumi’s thrusts and somewhere in your mind, the knowledge that people are watching this go down as well has you seeing stars. You cum over his cock.

“Shit. Me too, baby.” He continues to chase his release, balls tightening as he gives you one last thrust. And then he’s emptying his seed inside of you. “Ahhh Fuck...”

You’re breathing heavily, looking down at where he pulls out of you, the creamy white substance already beginning to leak. Megumi recovers quickly, opting to switch places with Yuuji.

You could almost gasp at how tall his dick looked. It always shocked you how hard he could get when it came to you. Megumi may have recovered, but you sure hadn’t. Yuuji brings two thick fingers to your core and collects what little substance has slipped out before shoving them back in. He takes the time to look up at you, a smile plastered on his face. “Nuh uh. You gonna let me fuck my seed into you too? Right next to his?”

And there those words go again. Sweet and velvety as they fell into the cool air, soft but raunchy, just like him, just like your relationship. Who were you to say no?

When he enters he stretches you in a way like no other. That, along with the fact that you can feel each vein of his shaft plush against your walls? Your back arches off the bed, the start of his name falling from your lips before he catches the rest with his.

He loves it. To kiss you right when he bottoms out. To catch your mouth with his and make you breathe his name in all it’s glory, to share the same air; and as much as he loves watching you cum at the hands of another, he’d much rather see you cum from his doing.

You lift up in order to watch his movements, watching where his cock he meets your cunt, only to find that he’s doing the same. Alternating between meeting your eyes and the heaven between your thighs. Always in sync, you two.

“Yuuji, please please please!” You whine. Not even you know what for. For him to come closer? For him to fuck your harder? To kiss you deeper? And it’s these thoughts that have you reaching the pinnacle of your second orgasm.

“Don’t worry baby, I got you.” He says, following not too far behind and loading you full of his cream.

You all lay there, spent and in bliss for a minute or two before you realize you were still streaming. Maybe it was a bit unprofessional, but then again you guys never said you were the most job oriented bunch.

Megumi is the first to pat your shoulder, making you lift up a bit so that he could move to the laptop.

“Alright.” He turns to face you both. “What’s next?”

Flat on your backs, both you & Yuuji turn from staring at the ceiling to face one another, and smile.

all content belongs to lovelysho © 2021. do not copy, modify, or repost my work.

[hhjs]

love or lack thereof.

pairing  — felix x reader

genre / trope  — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k 

warnings  — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences. 

note  — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him. 

 “I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know. 

“Did he make you laugh?” 

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say, 

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually. 

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.”  You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

[watchmegetobsessed]

Never Have I Ever - Harry Styles

this is very random and just a lil somethin’, bc i secretly dream about being on one of these shows and meeting one of my crushes lmao, not me pretending to be at an interview in my own kitchen, hah, not at all!

hi hello so im adding this after this was posted. i randomly turned this into a series so you can find further parts for this in the series masterpost!

word count: 1.8k

pairing: Harry x actress!reader

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

“It’s so good to have you here, it’s been quite some time since the last time you sat in this chair, am I right?” Ellen asked with a warm smile as you nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy, I guess,” you chuckle tugging your hair behind your ear.

“I mean, of course. You starred in two movies since then and even got nominated for an Emmy as well for your role in The Umbrella Academy!” she lists and the audience starts cheering on your successes. “Of course you’ve been busy, but I’m glad you had time to drop by for a talk. So, let’s talk about your upcoming movie. You’ll be co-stars with Zendaya and Finn Wolfhard, it’s a quite interesting cast.”

“Yes! I’m very excited to work with them, I just met Zendaya the other day and though I’M yet to meet Finn I’m sure we will get along well.”

“What was your first impression about Zendaya?”

“Oh, she is very sweet and funny, I think working with her will be more like just a fun activity,” you admit chuckling and Ellen nods in agreement.

“I bet. Alright. So let’s talk about quarantine, it was a rather huge part of the year, where did you spend it?”

“I went home to my family, so I quarantined with them in my hometown.”

“And what did you do mostly?”

“We played a lot of board games and my mom taught me to cook,” you admit with a shy chuckle.

“Yeah, we had the luck to see parts of that,” Ellen chuckles as a video of you and your mom in the kitchen appears on the big screen behind you. It was posted to your Instagram when she attempted to teach you how to make her famous meatloaf. “It seems like you are a natural talent in the kitchen.”

“Well, I haven’t burned it down, so it’s going fine,” you chuckle.

“Alright, and what else did you do? Seen any good movies or discovered some new artists in the world of music?”

“Oh, absolutely. I definitely watched everything I’ve been postponing and I got to listen to new music, so now I have a few new favorites,” you admit smiling.

“Have you been listening to Harry Styles lately?” she asks and you find the question a little odd and very… specific.

“I mean, yes, but it wasn’t anything new, I really like his music,” you admit truthfully. “He is a great artist for sure.”

“Have you been at any of his concerts by any chance?” she asks and you notice that the audience is getting a little excited over something, but you don’t pay too much attention to it.

“Not yet, but I hope it’s gonna happen one day.”

“Well, I think I can get you tickets to see him,” a voice speaks up from behind you and immediately, the audience starts cheering as your head snaps around and you see none other than Harry Styles standing behind you. Your mouth hangs open as you feel yourself blushing, he is so tall and handsome, dressed in a bright blue suit with a silver shirt underneath, smiling down at you widely as he walks around the armchairs to greet you.

“Oh shit, I was not expecting this,” you breathe out as you stand up and hug him shortly before he moves over to greet Ellen as well.

“’M glad you like my music, Love,” he smiles as he sits in the armchair next to you and you swear you see him wink at you.

“We thought you wouldn’t mind our other guest joining in,” Ellen explains Harry’s appearance.

“Not at all,” you smile shaking your head. Harry has been your celebrity crush for quite a while, but the two of you just never crossed paths, until now.

“’S very nice to meet yeh,” he nods in your way.

“Same goes for you.”

“Okay, so now that Harry is here, I thought that we could play a little game,” Ellen announces reaching for something next to her armchair.

“Oh man,” you breathe out earning a round of laughter from the audience. “Last time we played something you asked me the most embarrassing burning questions!” you whine thinking back how you had to admit that you sleep with your lights on when it’s raining outside.

“We’ll do something similar this time too,” she chuckles before handing out two round boards to you and Harry as well.

“Oh fo’ fuck’s sake!” Harry groans making the audience laugh again. “Not this!”

“I know you loved it when we played it the last time,” Ellen grins as Harry hides his face behind the board that’s now showing his I HAVE sign towards the cameras. “We’re gonna play Never Have I Ever, I think you both know the rules.”

“Yes, this is why I want to run away now,” you mumble under your breath.

“I’m going with yeh,” Harry smirks at you finally letting his board drop to his knees. Seemingly, the audience is enjoying your misery.

“Don’t be babies, it’s gonna be fun!” “For who? Not me!” Harry exclaims making everyone in the studio laugh. “Should’ve asked what we’re gonna do before I said yes.”

“Too late, Harry. Alright, let’s start,” Ellen announces as she takes her card in her hands, picking the first one and she reads the lines on it. “Never have I ever had a crush on someone I worked with.”

You huff as you turn your board so the I HAVE side is facing the camera, while Ellen has the same side showing, but Harry shows the I HAVE NEVER.

“Never?” you ask Harry.

“Well, what do yeh mean by working with?” he asks with narrow eyes as he taps on his chin.

“Anyone you had any relations with through a job.”

“Well then…” he sighs turning the board, earning some cheering.

“Okay. Never have I ever drunk texted someone and regretted it in the morning,” Ellen continues with the next question.

“Oh, too often,” you blurt out holding up the I HAVE side.

“What did yeh write?” Harry asks with a cheeky smile while he holds up the same side.

“Well, there are just too many, I can’t choose,” you admit laughing. “I often tend to write down my feelings when I had a little too much to drink and then send it without a second thought.”

“Then I better get yeh drunk to find out what yeh think about me,” Harry teases and you hear a loud “ooh” coming from the audience while you can only hope your make up covers the blush on your cheeks.

“I’d need your number for that to happen,” you say arching an eyebrow at him.

“That’s something we can easily fix,” he smirks.

“Okay, before the two of you go on your first date right away, let’s finish the game,” Ellen jokes and you both turn to her. “Never have I ever kissed someone I didn’t know.”

“What do you mean by knowing someone?” you ask to clarify.

“Let’s say you didn’t even know their name,” she adds and as you think about it, you hold up the I HAVE NEVER side first, but then flip it over.

“Oh, something popped into yeh mind?” Harry teases while he holds up the I HAVE side as well.

“I guess I just want to forget about it, but I can’t,” you admit chuckling awkwardly.

“Were you drunk or you just didn’t care to ask for their name?” Ellen questions.

“I’ve had quite a few drinks if I’m being honest. But I think he told me his name, I just didn’t catch it,” you admit.

“Poor guy, he is completely forgotten,” Harry chimes in shaking his head in a dramatic way.

“Alright, we have two more questions. Never have I ever had a friend with benefits.”

“This game sucks!” you snap as you hold up the I HAVE side, making the audience laugh. “You’re making me look like such a bad person!” you whine to Ellen.

“Don’t feel so bad, Harry is in the same shoe!” she chuckles and turning to the man on your right you see that Harry has the same side showing and a very cheeky smirk on his lips.

“How did it end?” you ask out of curiosity. You know how yours ended, in a horrible fight, because he wanted more, but you were in it just for the fun.

“Not in the best way, if I’m bein’ honest,” he clears his throat leaning back in his seat. “How about yours?”

“Same,” you nod chuckling.

“I guess it was a learning lesson for the both of you,” Ellen smirks before reading the last question. “Never have I ever ghosted somebody.”

“Shit,” you mumble, trying to hide your smirk as you hold up the I HAVE side. Harry thinks to himself before doing the same. Leaning forward he checks yours and your eyes meet for a moment.

“I think it would be an honor to anyone to be ghosted by yeh,” he teases you making you roll your eyes. “Wha’? ‘M telling the truth!” he chuckles.

“Wanna get on the list of my ghosted people?” you joke raising your eyebrows at him and he immediately holds his hands up.

“Would rather not.” He places a hand over his heart before smiling in your way sweetly. “Tha’ would break m’ heart.”

“Oh come on!” you chuckle feeling the heat crawling up your neck and cheeks as the audience lets out a soft “aww” at his words.

“Alright, thank you for playing, I think we found out some interesting things about the both of you.”

“Thanks for embarrassing us,” you add mumbling as you hand her back the board.

“It was a pleasure,” she chuckles. “We’ll be right back after a short break, please stay with us, we have more from Y/N and Harry coming right in your way, so stay tuned!” she announces as the crowd cheers.

“Friends with benefits, huh?” Harry asks smirking in your way as you fix your dress. You just shrug your shoulder trying to look casual when you feel so intimidated sitting next to him.

“Had to try it, I guess,” you admit.

“I get it,” he chuckles. “So, if I were to ask for yeh number, would I eventually be ghosted as well?”

You have to bite into your bottom lip to hide your growing smile at his attempt to flirt with you.

“We’ll see. You gotta ask for it first,” you tell him with a knowing smile, hoping to look flirty and light, not the nervous wreck that you truly feel like talking to him.

“I think my dressing room is two doors down yours, so expect me to drop by after this,” he smirks, making your heart skip a beat before Ellen starts speaking and the taping continues.

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