#this isn't why I'm disabled I've pretty much always been disabled

[turtwig387]

if someone told 14 year old (turtwig387) that she may never be able to sit on her knees again she would've cried her eyes out on the spot

[rubberduckyrye]

Okay in all seriousness. There's something that I REALLY want to talk about as an open discussion with the fandom, but. This is not going to be a very nice thing to hear/talk about.

It's about how Gonta is treated by the fandom.

As a fan of all the V3 characters now, and as someone who has always been a fan of Gonta, and as someone who has many mental disabilities and two diagnosed neurodivergancies... I'm tired of playing nice about it.

You all need to stop being ableist towards Gonta.

I've mentioned in the past that I don't like shitting on personal interpretations. I don't like saying something is or is not canon because narration is just a big web of text that you try to decipher with your own personal biases, experiences, and thoughts. That's why two literary analysts analyzing the same text with the same literary criticism rules can come to wildly different conclusions--why people develop different headcanons from the same canonical information.

But one of the things that challenged my integrity is just how many people view Gonta as this innocent, naive, ignorant, baby boy who can do no harm/never has a complicated/dirty/violent/sexual thought in his life ever.

This incredibly ableist interpretation of the character bothered me for, well, obvious reasons (See: It's fucking ableist, need I say more?) but I never challenged it as harshly as I am now because to be frank, it's not my place to tell people how to HC a character. It still isn't. But I've pretty much given up on my integrity on the subject and have decided to go all in on discussing why this interpretation of Gonta is just. Really bad.

First of all, not to promote my own analyses here or anything, but I think this analysis I did of Gonta explains a LOT in regards to the ableism the cast gives him in canon. I also think that this subtle ableism is why the fandom is so bad with Gonta's characterization in headcanons and fanfic--because they've seen how the cast treats him, and they think it's normal. They don't see the microaggressions, they don't see the subtle ableism in the cast--they just see this big giant idiot who speaks like Tarzan in the English version (which... I don't actually know why people assume Tarzan (Thinking of Disney's version) is stupid. Like as a boy he had to reinvent the spear with no one to guide him on how to do it. He was able to strategize and outsmart "civilized" men in the final showdown. Still I digress) and don't see the literal genius behind his social awkwardness.

There is also another very important point I'm going to make in addition to this, and it's going to be very uncomfortable to Gonta fans who insist he's nothing but a sweet baby who only has pure thoughts. Especially to the fans who insist he "can't be sexual" or think it's weird to ship him with his peers.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but... Gonta blatantly has sexual desire and gets horny right in canon.

This is further clarified here:

It wasn't a matter of Gonta didn't want to touch her because touching someone in their underwear was inappropriate, or being flustered because she was in her underwear which is inappropriate...

It was literally a "weird feeling" that made him unable to approach her or touch her. A "weird feeling" that Miu makes pretty obvious as to what it was--sexual arousal.

He literally was sexually attracted to and felt sexual arousal from looking at Miu in her underwear. He had sexual feelings and thoughts about Miu. Why?

Because Gonta is a young man.

Gonta is a brilliant, talented young man who has normal human thoughts for someone his age--sexual desires, upsetting thoughts, complicated thoughts, ectect. He is not a child, he is not mentally stunted (I've been informed that people have literally said this on Ao3 for the NSFW Gonta fics, please for the love of god stop that)

I think the reason why Gonta fans typically want to keep him as a "pure baby child who can do no wrong" is because treating him like the young adult that he is makes it harder for them to justify Chapter 4. Every time I've seen a Gonta fan that hates Kokichi, it's always followed by the sentiment of "Kokichi manipulated and abused Gonta into killing Miu, so it's all Kokichi's fault." They're afraid of nuance and liking a character with the grey morality of genuinely thinking Mercy Killing the cast is a viable option, because it challenges their own morals about the character they adore.

To those people who read this and are upset: You can and should like Gonta! Gonta is a magnificent character who showcases the subtle way microaggressions can manifest and hurt people, he's a good-hearted person and a literal genius, he cares deeply for his friends and loves everyone with upmost sincerity.

But.

You need to re-evaluate your stance on Gonta if you think he's a stupid, naive fool who Kokichi manipulated. You need to re-evaluate why you think those thoughts, why you think Gonta being shipped with anyone is "Kinda weird" or "has weird consent problems" or "give you the ick." You have to challenge yourself and ask yourself uncomfortable questions in regards to why you treat Gonta like a child when canon has proven otherwise, why you think he cannot have violent or sexual thoughts, why he can't think mercy killing his class is the only way to save them.

This isn't an attack on you--but understand that these specific takes on Gonta? They are ableist in nature. They belittle and dismiss him, they treat him like a child, an idiot who can't think for himself--and you have to come to terms with the fact that Gonta is a far more complex character with complicated thoughts and feelings who is a young adult. Not a child. A young adult.

So again, ask yourself this: Why are you treating this young adult like he's a toddler?

[intersexfairy]

i think being hyperandrogen intersex has made my experience of antitransmasculinity just... that much deeper, that much more lonely. before i even knew i was trans, i would stare into the mirror and pick my face and body apart. why don't i look like the other girls? what's wrong with me? why do i look so wrong in a dress? why do i feel like i take up too much space? will anyone ever love me?

i was punished for my masculinity and androgyny before i even had the chance to (voluntarily) express it. it stung even more, as i've always had an affinity to traditionally feminine things. where i once found joy and bliss in dressing up and posing for the camera, i found myself hiding my body in hoodies and leggings. if anyone pointed a camera at me, i would collapse to the floor and start having a panic attack.

now, as i've grown older, i've found safety in masculinity and androgyny. people don't find it quite as strange, as if my body/facial hair, broad shoulders, stocky build, and androgynous face make it make sense - femininity is obviously off limits for someone like me, yet it's still expected of me. getting "masculinizing" gender affirming care terrifies me. i'd be casting off the last of what makes me desirable, pretty, and unassuming. but the little girl inside me wants to wear dresses, makeup, jewelry - just this time, as a man.

but men aren't supposed to be pretty - least of all fat, hairy, disabled men. so i'm caught. i can neglect myself, out of fear of being seen as even more disgusting and off putting, just so i can cling to the few expressions of femininity i can display... or, i can be myself, and open myself up to the very hurt i've been trying to avoid all these years. but then, i can look my true self in the mirror, and finally say: you're not like other girls (and that's okay). nothing's wrong with you. you still look beautiful in a dress. you don't take up any space that isn't already yours. and you are already very, very loved.

and one day, i will. because that's what we deserve to hear - trans people, intersex people, people who are both. we deserve to do whatever we need to be our most authentic selves. all this judgement, fear mongering, it's all made up - to hurt us. and that's awful. that's scary, and i hope someday, we live in a world where we don't have to be afraid anymore. and part of me - part of you - knows, one day, we will.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to stop having gay sex in my room?

I'm a gay man currently living in college residence. With the way the dorms are designed, it's two separate rooms and a middle "common room" with a little kitchenette and a washroom. The walls are pretty thin and you can generally hear everything. Which means I can always hear my (very straight) roommate having mediocre sex with his girlfriend when I'm trying to study for my law/ethics final.

My boyfriend lives in my hometown (Not my current city) and is physically disabled with a fulltime caretaker. The only time we get any time alone is when we're in my room together hanging out so it isn't often that we get to... mess around. He comes to my city every few months or so because he plays professional basketball at a provincial level and my city hosts the tournaments (Guys he's so fucking cool eugh~ I love him).

Anyways with the background info out of the way, onto the point.

My roommate recently told me that he felt uncomfortable with my boyfriend and I having sex in the room. I apologized and said I didn't think he could hear us (We're both very quiet). He said he couldn't but he can always tell afterwards because we both look a certain way. I asked if his girlfriend was going to stop 'coming over' and he said no.

I kind of had my suspicions about him being homophobic and this was just confirming them for me. I asked him why it was okay for them to fuck but not my boyfriend and I and he just said 'that's different'. I kept pressing him to explain how it's different and he just said that he's not comfortable with it.

He then compared it to me asking him not to throw up in the kitchen trash can (He drinks and is too lazy to go to the washroom. I have trauma that has made me severely emetophobic). I kind of backed up slightly because I figured maybe it was just hearing sex in general that triggered him and I apologized and said I didn't realize it was a trauma thing. He said it wasn't and I asked him to explain and he just said that he found it gross when we (My boyfriend and I) did it.

I asked if it was because we were both men and he started getting upset and a bit aggressive (Yelling, waving his hands around, getting closer to me). He kept repeating that he didn't want to say it (Whatever 'it' was) and that I was making him look like an asshole.

At that point I decided to leave for a walk, both to calm down and to get some space from this guy since I am the tiniest twink you'll ever mean and he's like 6'5" or some shit. Before I left I told him that until he gives me a good reason that my boyfriend and I aren't allowed to have sex or until he stops fucking his girlfriend and screaming for the entire floor to hear when he's coming, I was going to keep plowing my boyfriend as much as I fucking wanted. When I left, I heard something slamming in the dorm.

This was a couple days ago and I haven't seen him since but I've heard him out and about while I was in my room. So far everything is quiet but his girlfriend literally JUST walked in ten minutes ago so we'll see where this goes.

I may be the asshole because I kept pushing him and was being a bit crass with the way I discussed things. Also just refusing something that made him uncomfortable. On the other hand, I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed the same freedoms in my own living space and I'm 99% sure this is because of homophobia since there have been other hints at it. My boyfriend and I are arguably more considerate since we mess around far less frequently and we do it much more quietly.

What are these acronyms?

[lastoneout]

It really is wild to tell a doctor to their face that I have tried to "push myself" to regain my mobility and it put me on bedrest for like three fucking months only for them to be like "well have you tried pushing yourself to regain your mobility??" like bro going on a 15 minute slow-ass walk around my neighborhood once a day for a month took away what was left of my mobility for THREE months and my knee STILL hurts more now than it did before. Pushing myself lead to me permanently making my pain worse, not better.

I also wasn't kidding about the cooking thing, I broke down about not being able to cook because I love cooking so much and eating take out and boxed/frozen food all the time SUCKS so my fiancé helped me make just spaghetti one night, just sauce, cheese, and noodles, it took 45 minutes, I was wearing my knee brace, and I sat down as much as possible, and I was in so much pain by the end that I could barely stand. How do I "push myself" in this situation?? I can't even make a basic dinner for myself and my fiancé without having to give up doing anything else including showering and giving my cat her meds and shit like that for the entire rest of the day. How do I push from here??

Like I just genuinely don't know how you can hear all that and then say to my face that continually injuring myself in this way is going to yield positive results. Every time I have pushed I have limited my mobility further. My PT even TOLD me I shouldn't reach the point of being in actual pain while exercising, if I'm hurting really bad I need to stop so I don't injure myself. How does my PT know that when my fucking rhumatologist doesn't??? How does it not make sense for me even just stay mobile until I hit my limit and then use the wheelchair so hitting my limit doesn't mean "not being able to do anything for the next two days"?????

It's like they think I just started hurting and fucking gave up immediately. I was forced to quit my job THAT I LOVED SO MUCH because even when I hit the point where I could barely walk or sit without pain I didn't want to give it up, I kept pushing myself until my fiancé would have to practically carry my ass to the car at the end of my shifts, and it ended with me so disabled I still can't work. My fiancé legit has to constantly step in to stop me from pushing myself too far because I just want to do the things I want to do and I will hurt myself because of it!! I'm independent to a fault, I hate nothing more than admitting that I can't do something I want to do. Every shred of mobility I have sacrificed has been torn from my very unwilling hands, I haven't given up, I've had it taken from me. I never stopped trying to keep walking, keep working, keep cooking, keep going places, I had to stop because I had no other alternative. It was that or destroy my body. And tbh overall I still chose "destroy my body" more often than I should have.

But they still act like I'm giving up. Like it's me being lazy and stupid that got me here. Like if I was willing to just cope with the pain and not give up it would fix everything even though I already tried that.

I dont hate being disabled, I really don't, even though I've had to give up so much stuff. I grew up with a disabled mother, she's used a wheelchair my entire life and tbh I'm thankful because it seems to have spared me the all too familiar abled worldview that disability is something tragic and shameful and horrifying. It's just life, it's always just been my life, and becoming disabled was pretty easy to accept because I never saw it as a tragic fate to be avoided at all costs. This is the body I have, this is what it can and can't do, my life isn't over it's just different now, I'm allowed to mourn what I used to be able to do while recognizing that I can still live a full life with the right kind of medical care. Most of my frustration comes from people projecting their ableist feelings about disability onto me! It's why "oh but you're so young" comments make me want to deck people.

The only thing I hate about being disabled is other people and all their fucking issues that they keep projecting onto me. The way doctors act like it's better for me to give up everything I do just so I can eventually maybe regain some of my mobility rather than give me the help that would ACTUALLY make that possible. And I cannot stand the way I'm treated like some sort of stupid infant who doesn't have any idea what's best for her because I recognize my own limitations and ask for help. The pain isn't even the worst part, it's the dehumanization and infantilization. The insistence that suffering is better than "giving up" and using a mobility aid. The idea that something happening to someone like me is a tragedy and not just part of life. And the way it constantly makes me feel like I'm the problem when I fucking KNOW I'm not.

Every issue I have faced has been a result of the way other people have treated me. My mobility probably wouldn't even be as bad as it is now if my doctors had Fucking Listened To Me when I first brought up my chronic pain as a teenager, because if they had they would have figured out that I have EDS and will always be damaging my joints and thus need braces NOW to prevent that damage from progressing. I hate thinking about how not being taken seriously by doctors is what got me here in the first place. I'm so fucking tired of my fate being in the hands of people who won't help me and then blame ME for how bad I'm doing and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about and helping me would make things worse actually and have you tried just suffering more.

It's legit inhumane. I just want to be treated like a person, and maybe have some recognition for the way other people constantly make my life hell rather than people acting like I got myself into this situation when I fucking didn't, they did.

I was never the problem.

[velvet-cupcake-games]

Made Marion June Development Update: Schedule Edition, Straight Talk

[I decided to post our June dev update early, because I have some difficult things to say, but I hope this will get us all on the same page about what's happened with Made Marion since our Kickstarter.]

Hi everyone! I've decided to check in early with a report on our development schedule and some straight talk on some tough stuff. I hope this will help us all get on the same page and be excited instead of worried about Made Marion's development process.

First of all, thank you all so much for your magnificent patience and concern! This is definitely not how I wanted Made Marion's development to go or how it would have gone if things were still the way they were for our team back when we ran our Kickstarter. We have been seriously kicked in the teeth repeatedly, and I'd like to offer a better explanation and our proposed solutions and revised schedule.

I'm also sorry for the lack of pretty pictures this month!  There will be many available very soon when Robin's beta test is ready to go!

The Problems:

1. As of fall 2021, things were going pretty well! We'd just run a beta for Made Marion's prologue and my route outlines were shaping up nicely. Then things began to go wrong. I had some issues at home that took up my attention, and then my darn town flooded. Drat it, ok, lost a couple months, but we can get back on track in 2022...

2. Then 2022, for various reasons was a disaster for pretty much our entire team (I'm only going to talk about my problems here, because those are the ones it is mine to share). It ended up being basically a wash for development. Why wasn't that obvious from our development updates? Because of my brain. I contracted Covid in January of 2022 and a few weeks later, the Long Covid symptoms started. I was near-narcoleptic for several months. It was scary and embarrassing and I didn't know how to talk about it. So I was as positive as I could be. Around May, my body started to recover. I was able to live more normally and I figured that meant I could get back to development.

What I didn't know and couldn't effectively communicate was that the brain fog was still there. I was writing, but not in a straight line. I wrote scenes for all the love interests here and there, scribbled a bunch in my notebooks, but a full, logical route for Robin wasn't happening. And the problem with your brain not working right is that it's very difficult to understand that your brain isn't working right. I thought things were cool! So it appeared that I wasn't being honest about the status of development without me realizing it did or even fully understanding that development wasn't going well. I'm very sorry about that.

3. Around November of 2022 my brain started working better again, but I was demoralized and felt like I'd forgotten how to write. I "eased" myself back into writing with a huge fic, along with finally getting back to putting words together for Robin. I wrote words!  Lots of words!  Good words!  Yeah!  We pulled together as a team and got our enhanced demo out, which was a lot of work but was super exciting.

4. Feeling guilty about the wash that was 2022 and excited because of how much verbiage I'd put out, I created an ambitious schedule toward an Early Access release of all the Sherwood routes this fall. It was based on the amount of words I'd been putting out, so I was convinced it was doable. Some of you wrote in to Tumblr with concerns that it was overly ambitious. You were wonderful and primarily concerned for my well-being. You were also correct.

The Solutions:

1. I need to accept that I have a disabling condition that currently has no cure and that, although it has greatly improved since last year, means that I can't always work at my peak capacity. This is super tough for a high achiever with general anxiety. I hate even talking about it, but I want to be as transparent with y'all as I can be.

2. The schedule: I still wish to keep a relatively ambitious target schedule for the remainder of development. I think it is helping us all Get Shit Done(tm). I just need to be a little less ambitious. I still plan to release Early Access this fall and I'm still hoping for October (which was always tentative), but November may be more realistic. It depends on how well my body and mind cooperate over the summer, and on the individual situations of our artists. Early Access will launch with Robin and Will's routes. John is going to need to take more time. It will be worth it, because he will get the full attention and care that his wonderful self deserves.

3. The weekly mini-dev updates: I have started posting mini-dev updates on Mondays on Tumblr. This is the place to go if you want a more granular report of the progress we've been making, and I think they're going to be very helpful for maintaining clarity and helping keep us all on-task.

4. Beta: I have more detailed information about Beta in the Kickstarter version of this update.

Conclusion:

Looking back from here, our original release date estimate from Kickstarter was too ambitious even under ideal circumstances. That was my development inexperience speaking. The rest was a lot of IRL horribleness. However, the gang is back together now, and the game is now, actually, truly, progressing nicely once more. Going forward, I'll be able to post much more concrete progress and I think doing so as I write each route is a better choice than posting a bunch of specific completion dates that we may not meet. You'll be able to see our progress as it happens instead.

Notes and Goodies:

Robin's new expressions are in!  I love the way he turned out and Arrapso (a fellow perfectionist, err, high achiever) seems happier with him now as well.  Awesome!  I will post some previews on Tumblr soon, once I have coded a few of the new expressions into the game client.

John's role-playing choice has been re-configured a bit. I was previously calling it "conflict or compromise," but I was getting stuck on the "conflict" part because I didn't want Marion and John to be fighting all the time if you made those choices. It didn't seem like fun, or particularly in-character for John. I am now calling it "challenge or compromise."  Because John is kind and wonderful and protective but is also traumatized and stubborn and overprotective. Sometimes he needs to be challenged, and it won't always lead to an argument. I think this makes for more interesting choices and for John to have more room to be John.

I coded in Will's first use of his genuine smile expression (you get to confront him about his attitude early on in Robin's route) and am happy to report that it is SUPER EFFECTIVE.

For any of you Ren'py devs out there, I continue to evangelize matrixcolor.  It's relatively new, but you should absolutely check out what it can do. Previously, I used it to tint our characters a bit so they blended in better with evening and night backgrounds.  I also used it to sepia-tone memory sequences.  I've now used it to make images slowly disappear via transparency and turn our blood animation green instead of red for... spoiler purposes.  It is so easy and flexible, you should absolutely play with it!

I'll be reporting in later this month on our Beta test status!

[an--artistic--autistic]

attended a webinar on suicidism (in a queer/disabled context) and it was amazing to actually hear people talking about stuff that i have been thinking about and experiencing for years

thoughts below (cw suicide mentions, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, the entire topic is pretty heavy so please take care of yourselves)

to preface - I am not suicidal.

I was suicidal for about 10 years, and only within the past year or so was I able to sort through everything enough to feel stable and healthy enough to continue living.

The biggest takeaway from today (imo) was the emphasis on by basically forbidding people from talking about suicide and their experiences with suicidality (in both an active and passive context), we are effectively isolating people and adding to negative experiences or whatever pressure they're currently facing.

Most professionals (or suicide hotlines, etc.) will end up reporting people for suicidal ideation, which frequently results in involuntary psychiatric holds, police involvement, legal repercussions, and so on.

Which then results in suicidal people just... not confiding in anyone.

In my experience, I didn't tell anyone I had been suicidal at all until a year after my first (and only) serious attempt. I was terrified of dealing with any reactions that came from it.

I am involved in both the queer community and disabled community, both in real life in my city, and online (to an extent). I rarely talk to people who haven't considered suicide, yet it still feels very taboo to discuss, and it feels like we have to always reassure everyone else that no I'm not going to do it, don't worry about me while simultaneously discussing very heavy details about our lives and our health.

This summer I've also been working on a suicide prevention training program focusing on non-binary and autistic youth. It's important when talking about this to recognize that within these circles, suicidality is extremely common. We can't pretend that it's an isolated thing, or can be solved with "willpower" or medication. Sometimes, an involuntary hold will make things worse. So many queer and disabled people consider suicide due to bigger, systemic issues.

The two biggest factors for me were the risk of not being supported during my transition, and not being able to access effective support for my disabilities.

Something my psychologist did wonderfully when the topic of suicide came up (again, several years after my only serious attempt) was actually listen to my reasoning and understand why I was experiencing that. And afterward, she agreed with me.

I had laid everything out, every concern I'd had with my future, every condition I had placed leading up to my attempt, everything I had felt when I was at my worst, and she had listened, and she understood.

She did not report me to anyone, she did not call the police. The extent of her involvement was to make it clear to me that if I ever found myself in crisis again, to come see her.

I have always been a "problem solver". I get it from my mom, and it's been exacerbated by my autism. I think that in order to support people who are or have been suicidal (myself included), we need to make space to talk about it. We can't truly provide support if we aren't willing to listen.

It's far more helpful to ask how to support someone, what resources they need, find things to try, and treat suicide not as some horrific depressing thing, but as the last option. It's a matter of finding things to put before it rather than eliminating it entirely.

The whole "oh but you have so much to live for" "what about how your friends and family will feel" "oh things will get better later on" frequently isn't helpful to hear as a suicidal person. I didn't have much to live for. I didn't worry about how people would feel. I didn't have a future to strive towards. Hearing that usually just made me feel worse, and made things harder to deal with.

Getting my diagnoses allowed me access to support. Prior to that, I was so overwhelmed by the concept of being a person— to have to keep living like that was the worst possible thing I could imagine. At that point I had no possible future as things were.

Also the absolute fucking ableism that is MAID, going hey you have societal permission to die but only if you're disabled fuck you. It's literally just saying that they don't care enough about our lives to look at other possible solutions. I understand how someone would be interested in MAID. I've looked into it for myself — I've told my mom exactly what circumstances in which I would actually apply for it and I have her full support. But it's insulting to see that expanding the program is more convenient than putting as much effort into other solutions.

I think that's all I have right now, but I might add more later once I've had more time to process (and i have an assignment due in an hour which isn't helping).

I'd love to open up space to talk about this more with people, especially if others would find that helpful. I'm really lucky that my friends and irl community are open about this stuff, but most people don't have a place where they can safely discuss stuff.

if you've made it this far through my rant/infodump on this i am thoroughly impressed, and I apologize for any misspellings or typos. I haven't reread what I've put.

[sysmedsaresexist]

So, an interesting message was passed along to me and I'd like to talk about it

Thank you to the user for letting me post it <3

(none of this is at the user, btw)

I would like to think that when you typed this out, you realized how silly it sounded. I have so many questions, and I'm... Worried for people. This isn't the first time, by a long shot, that I've seen this kind of statement. I see it almost daily on my Twitter rounds. I see things that are so much worse, and things that are so much more subtle and insidious. This sentiment is so ingrained in the system community.

I'd like to first ask... What do people who think this way believe "disordered" looks like? Is it only the people in straightjackets and padded rooms? The people in hospitals? The people on disability, barely getting by? The people that are bed bound and have given up?

How do you think those people got there? Typically, it starts with what you've described.

Story time. Bear with me here.

When we ended up in the hospital the first time, we were working full time, engaged, paying rent and paying off debt in our own apartment. We were also unmedicated, exhausted, unhappy, and confused about why we were so... Broken. Why everyone could figure it out, but we couldn't. I loved my system, I would have already been dead without them.

That doesn't mean I didn't need any more help. Just because I was functioning, didn't mean I wasn't inherently dysfunctional. I was just as disordered then as I am now.

I saw the future, full of exhaustion and frustration, and I hated it. I would rather have just... Not. I'm lucky that I'm Canadian and that our health care system has better access and coverage. Not everyone has the same privilege that I have. So I checked myself in, got on medication, got therapy.

I had more energy, I was powering through life now, married, college loans paid off, saving to buy a house, I got a promotion and a raise, but the meds had the side effect of making my anxiety and OCD worse. I finally snapped. One of my alters had spent the night scrubbing at the same spot on the carpet that we had been scrubbing EVERY night for the last few week. The next day at work, I said to myself, "why am I taking this medication?" That was it, back to the hospital I went, checked in, re-evaluated, and on a new medication, and back in therapy.

Now I'm still tired, but not as tired, my anxiety and wildly fluctuating emotions are (mostly) under control. I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. I'm still functioning, and I'm still dysfunctional, and I'm still disordered. And that's not a bad thing, it's not my fault, it's not my doing, and it's not always related to being a system. It's fixable, it can get better. I can be better. My life can always be better.

In what world is what you're describing NOT dysfunction? In what world do you NOT deserve help and resources? Are you playing Disability Olympics with yourself? There are people worse off then you, so you must be doing pretty damn good? Is that as good as it's going to get for you? Are you way more functional than those miserable DID systems? Because on my meds, it sounds like I might be a bit more functional at this point than you.

People start off like you, saying that they're just fine, totally functional, couldn't possibly be disordered, and it wears and it tears and it beats you down until you become what you think dysfunction looks like. Meanwhile, you were always dysfunctional, and you were always deserving of help.

When did we, as a society, decide that miserably getting through life, day to day, WAS the functional norm? When did we decide that disorder is only for the worst of the worst types of dysfunction?

The DSM certainly never said that. It says that disorder doesn't always mean distress and dysfunction, but society decided they were synonymous. You saying you're not dysfunctional or disordered is like saying people don't deserve therapy unless they're suicidal. You know how you stop people from getting to that point? Early intervention.

We don't do this with other disorders (at least not to this extent). If someone is depressed, we believe them (usually). We don't call them functioning depressionists and say they're not disordered. When people with depression go on meds and get therapy, we don't call them cured and take their diagnosis away. Why is DID treated any different?

Why do we ignore that clinicians say that disordered doesn't look like anything? It looks like you and me and everyone else who needs a leg up to be on even ground with other people-- to compete in life to the best of our abilities.

Dysfunction will come and go, some days it'll be better, some worse, but disorder is forever, and it's a label that protects me for when things get real bad again. For when I decide I need more help and I'm struggling-- be it tomorrow, next year, ten years from now.

Please note: this post isn't to push anyone to get a diagnosis-- a diagnosis isn't required to get any kind of help, and there are many valid reasons why people might decide against getting a diagnosis. Whether someone is diagnosed or planning on getting diagnosed is none of your damn business. The point of this post is to talk about the stigma around relating to the diagnosis of DID/OSDD, and how dysfunction and distress might present in more subtle ways than we typically think.

It's about how being disordered, or considering yourself disordered, isn't a death sentence.

[thewertsearch]

Asks Compilation 20/11 - 1

Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter. To be honest, you hardly know a damn thing about Pupa Pan. But you do not care.

This is true. Even Vriska seems aware that she's misunderstanding the story - note that she herself points out the contradiction inherent in teaching a fairy to fly.

I guess it's possible that in Pupa Pan, the characters of Wendy and Tinkerbell have been combined - but it's much more likely that Vriska just doesn't give a shit about the lore, since she literally tells us that's the case.

I basically agree with your core point. I think Vriska really does believe that this training will make Tavros stronger. I also believe that she genuinely wants to help him grow.

...but I also think she's fully aware that it's cruel, and is enjoying tormenting him.

I'd need to see a lot more evidence before I'm willing to accept that Vriska actually likes Tavros in any sort of genuine or positive way. It feels much more like black romance to me.

[ This was all around page 2383 - C ]

Vriska loses a lot of points for what she considered doing to Tavros - but she didn't go through with it, and that doesn't mean nothing.

As I said at the time - there are some things even Vriska won't do. Why she considered it, and why she stopped, are complicated questions, and I think I'll be going back to this moment later in her arc.

Yeah, it really implies a lot about blue-bloods, and none of it is good. I know I'm a broken record at this point, but Alternia is absurdly fucked-up.

Jury's out. I think they're mostly human, since Nanna seems had a child with a non-Player - but then again, Dad could have been adopted. Who knows?

I think they'd start with toilets, and then move to progressively heavier and heavier objects, in order to test the limits of the Sburb cursor.

If it packs enough force to toss a bathtub around, what else can it do?

Haha, nice catch.

Let's say 'SS Tier' isn't a tier at all - it's a flag I apply to a single character, designating them as my current favorite. The hypothetical S+, however, would be an actual tier.

I've never seen it! That does explain what the fuck is going on here, though. I thought this might be an in-universe troll celebrity that Tavros idolized.

I'm lucky enough never to have known this type of person - although Vriska's personality does remind me of more than one middle manager I've encountered professionally.

To be honest, it's hard to tell which trolls canonically have disabilities, and which ones Karkat is just being a prick to.

I don't, to my knowledge, have any of the disabilities depicted in the comic, so I don't have much valuable insight to contribute. Hopefully we get an ADHD troll soon?

Hey, good point!

Although, I'm not sure if there's any hard evidence that the troll meteors didn't land in the brooding caverns. I guess the fact that the caverns are underground might present a problem, but the meteors could have fallen into crevices. Sgrub could totally make it happen.

Aradia, for sure - but her metal body would just make it explode.

This particular accidental reference has always been a pretty hard sell for me. Does anyone know for sure whether Hussie had heard about Lord British before the 'glitches' page?

Wait, why apples?

Oh, ok, that makes sense. It was his second ever message!

That's honestly such a cool title. - The WERT blogger.

I like it. I never considered that the positioning of the Kingdoms relative to the rest of the session would be a factor in the outcome of the war, but it makes perfect sense.

When you actually think about it, Derse could win the war on day one simply by annexing the Veil, preventing Prospit from cloning reinforcements. I guess that wouldn't be sporting, though.

This is true. We don't have the computational resources to solve chess - and there's a good chance we never will.

Interestingly, though, chess probably could be solved in the Homestuck universe, via the leveraging of computational resources from alternate timelines.

[devouredead]

Thinking about childhood today

Thinking about when I started school. And kids would talk to me. And I just... would not speak. Just did not have words. They said I was cold or rude. Eventually called me a ghost. Treated me as a non-person. Would not talk to adults, either. Not teachers, not doctors.

Thinking about how that continued on forever. They ask me a question, I could show them an answer, if they asked what book or what animal or anything, I'd show them but that's 'rude.'

Thinking about how I could not speak to my parents, only pushed out words to them when they threatened me. And how that continued on forever.

I struggle to speak without very specific scripts. I can write. Not with more social knowledge but at least words come, I have so many words in my brain. I use AAC pretty well. But I never had words for my parents or my grandparents, for my cousins or aunts or uncles. They grew old and away or passed away and I never had 'conversations' with them that weren't 'hi how are you okay bye' (a script) or echoes that they half-way understood. My father used to frequently tell me he didn't know who I was because I didn't speak to him. Of course, he didn't want scripts and was annoyed by echoes. He wouldn't look at the art I made or read my writing or watch movies or shows or share music with me. He refused every other way I had to communicate. My dad would not read the (literal) writing on the wall so... in the end he was right. He never did know who I was. My siblings and I echo (echolalia) back and forth to each other and that is our language, but as speech therapists will account for, echo isn't considered 'independently speaking' which I guess is their way of saying 'not speaking the right way,' which is to say, 'so that the outside understands.' Which is a shame because I love so many things I have many echoes for many occasions! They are just not original phrases or thoughts, just adopted reactions because as it's been made painfully clear to me, I will never have my own. As if I am the impression of all that touches me but nothing else. If people see me echo or script, they assume I talk with no difficulty. But I can't, and when they inevitably experience that, they get angry and think I'm rude/cold/hateful. And they take it out on me and are congratulated for it because I'm so hateful for not speaking. I get tired. Tired of living for abuse. Even other people with speech difficulties, because guess what? They don't magically understand, either, and I don't have a way to explain because of the assumptions of how being semiverbal works, at least for me. The assumption is always, somehow, that you speak typically except for episodes of speech loss-which is bizarre to me, because I (and the majority of other developmentally delayed and intellectually disabled autistics I've known in the flesh) who have been semiverbal definitely do not communicate like that. But then, I guess that makes sense that people don't know that, because we're not really among the autistic people who typically 'get out much.' Why is speaking so hard? Why can't I understand it? Why can't I do it right? How come I know where to put italics but can't make the people bark sound? I've had decades to be at least as good as a middle schooler so why can't I do it? Even if I try to talk to friends when they repeat back to me I realize that I haven't said enough to be understood or to make sense.

Why am I so bad at this? It's rhetorical. Of course I know it's my autism. It just affects me so bad that I can't make new friends or ask necessary questions or to protect myself. I just stare at people I'd love to talk to and reach out to but we can be two feet apart and oceans away at the same time.

Cuz we'll never talk, and that's just the truth.

My experience of semi-verbal/semi-speaking is all the time, not episodic speech loss.

While I have empathy for those with episodic speech loss and nonspeaking people, our experiences are not the same. Please stop assuming all semi-speaking people suffer episodic speech loss but otherwise have normal speech. You're erasing people like me, thanks.

-

I'm very much for everyone staying in their respective lanes! All our experiences should be respected and should have their space. For that reason...

Verbal/typically speaking people

People who experience speech loss episodes/selective mutism/anxiety related speech loss/speech difficulty is not a permanent state of being

Nonverbal/nonspeaking people

DNI with this post please! It's not for you-

[evelhak]

✨ I'm so high that I need to get my feelings out somewhere, I don't care, I'm gonna overshare about ballet now big time because I had an amazing day, just one of those you're going to remember forever! ✨

Ballet has always been a rocky road for me, as someone with invisible disabilities and also just plain bad luck. I'm stubborn, and I always come back, but I can't pretend the feeling of hanging from the backdoor handle of a moving car isn't something that has been constantly following me. I don't really have a choice but to keep hanging because I just love ballet.

I can't truly claim love at first sight doesn't exist, because when I saw ballet on TV the first time when I was about five years old, I fell head over heels and forever. There was just no way ballet wasn't going to be in my life forever. Pretty typical story, right? I feel like I've heard it a thousand times both irl and fiction.

And that brings me to how it's not really my bad times or disabilities that matter, you know? Well, of course they matter, as in they have affected me a lot, but it's the good times that matter more, because I'm still here. In the end it's always the ways in which I've succeeded and had enough opportunities and support that are bigger to me than my failures and bad times and the lack of necessities.

I may have often felt like the odds are stacked against me compared to most people I'm dancing with, but at the same time I had enough, you know. There may not have been a ballet school in my town when I first fell in love with ballet, but then by some crazy luck an ex national ballet dancer moved there and started teaching a small group, and I got started. I had to move away shortly and leave my best friend I started ballet with but in my new town I got to go to a real ballet school. That school went bankrupt and there were a lot of complicating factors before I got started with classes again after that, I got too sick to dance in high school, and after going away to university I was barely functioning but somehow everything led me to find a school that became a home to me for a decade. So, I think I learned this attitude from early on, that while I can't take anything for granted, if I persist, a better turn on the road will come.

This is all relevant to the day I just had, bear with me, I just don't know how else to tell this.

I was at my lowest point in ballet in high school. I wasn't any kind of natural talent to begin with, and I was behind because of several reasons. I had just started at a new school, hoping to get to take the regular ballet classes with my age group, but the teacher determined my pointe work insufficient at a single glance, told me I was simply not good enough to perform anymore, that it was too late, and I was put in adult ballet classes when I was 17. I felt this was unfair, because I wasn't given any chance to catch up, and I felt I could catch up, so I swore to myself I would kick ass in adult ballet by Christmas, and I would make them reconsider me.

Well. Otherwise good plan, but I got sick from the mould in my high school. I couldn't even go to school for the majority of my last year, much less dance.

After moving away for university I stumbled on a gold pot. There was this new, only a year and a half old ballet school that immediately spoke to me with its concept. "Relevé - the small ballet studio". It was literally the answer to all my prayers. A big reason why I was always behind technically was because I never received corrections; teachers didn't notice me. In Relevé the whole idea was that groups were so small that the teacher would have time for everyone. Also, that school was all about the love of ballet, and you didn't need to pass a certain bar to perform, it was all about creating the kind of ballets where everyone could do something. All adult ballet groups that wanted, go to go on stage too, not just kids and teens, everyone participated in the ways that best suited them. This felt basically revolutionary at the time, adult ballet was still usually so looked down upon.

I decided that in this school I would do everything I had ever wanted, there was no way I would let any opportunity pass me by. With finally getting good teaching, and my health being good to me for several years, I improved faster than I ever had. I was back on pointe and back on stage a few months after I started in that school.

Soon I began to feel passionate about defending adult ballet at every turn, not just for people like me who were sort of in-between, not having started as an adult, but for the ones who had too, because I was finally at a place where I saw adults bloom! And not only did they not lose to teens in their love for ballet, so many of them were also good by standard measuring sticks. "You started too late to amount to anything" was becoming such a myth to me, and I really, really wanted to help prove that myth wrong in the stuck-in-its-ways ballet world.

When the school's representative group went to their first competition, and our teacher asked us advanced adults if we'd want to go too, since an adult category had just been added, I was prepared to do everything I could to convince the others to go. It wasn't easy for everyone to stop feeling like we'd be laughed out of the stage, especially one student who was technically the best of us despite having started in her twenties, but I was desperate, and thankfully everyone agreed and we ganged up on that one key person to convinve her in the end.

Plot twist, we were the only adult group in the whole country to sign up. That's how undervalued adults still were. So our category was cancelled and we competed with the 16-19 year-olds, which was the most advanced category in an amateur competition. We took home bronze. After that, we were never the only adult group anymore, the number kept increasing year after year.

Soon, I made it back to the regular ballet classes too, but I continued to take adult classes for years, because my heart was still there too. I felt like I had found the perfect balance between the love of dance and also the drive to improve and meet some "objective" standards. The line between adult groups and regular groups was becoming more and more muddled in the school.

But even there, the school's representative group still didn't take adult students, the maximum age was 19. I'm not sure how I got into that headspace exactly, but somehow I couldn't help but think: "I'm gonna change that". I just felt strongly that if I was stubborn and motivated enough, I could. It happened when I was 25. Some original members had left the city to study, and I guess I had been stubborn enough, I had been taking every possible class the representative students also went to, and I made sure I was always volunteering for everything, so maybe that helped, because I was invited to the group.

The following years were my best ballet years yet. I did everything I had never been good enough for before, I had my first solo on pointe, first solo in a competition, first group gold to bring home. On my first year I also got the most advanced student's scholarship, which would have been a pipe dream for me in the past.

I just realised some pictures of my favourite roles might make this post more interesting...

Glinda:

The Wizard of Oz, from the same ballet, obviously:

Some pseudo-artistic edit of me as the Nutcracker/Prince:

I also began teaching adult ballet in a local community school, which was so fulfilling for me, because I got to be there to make those people's dreams come true who had wanted to dance since they were kids but never got the chance before. That was just so, so incredibly meaningful to me because I think ballet is for everyone, especially because the history and culture of it still so often seem to say that it isn't. I've literally heard adults wonder, in late 2010s if there's a weight limit to starting ballet. Heartbreaking, right?

Here's what's supposed to be a funny picture I had to take to introduce myself to my students: (I was clearly into the blurry effect lol...)

I'm sure you can guess the next plot twist, right? Covid came, so everything was closed for a while. Then, I got sick again. At my worst I was horizontal for weeks, and my strength was disappearing to a point were I thought this time this is it, this time I will not dance again at the level I used to. But whatever right? It's not like I hadn't been there before, it's not like I hadn't had those thoughts before, so I guess there's always some voice telling me that if I just have the patience the time will come when I don't feel like that anymore.

Here's me trying to get my strength back after a summer of mostly lying down:

But life really continued to slam me in the face then, because when I was starting to recover, I got Covid. (The effects lasted about 6 months.) And while I was still recovering from that, like, almost right after the acute sick days were over, divorce was dropped on me completely out of the blue.

At that point I was too sick to work and support myself, so I moved back to my parents' house. As soon as I was enough on my feet, I looked for ballet classes... can you guess? About a year ago, by this yet another strange turn of coincidences, I ended up back in that dance school where I had been told, 12 years ago, that I wasn't good enough, that I wouldn't be on stage again. So, I did what I've already done so many times. I built my body and brain back up. I started in the adult ballet classes. (Which perform in this school now! It has been incredible to be able to follow how much the appreciation for adult ballet has increased in the last decade! Something like that needs so many links, not even in a chain but a web!) And then, after I got some strength back, I got to go to the regular advanced classes in that school.

It's probably needless to say I've had a hard year. But now, I've just had my first performance since 2022. And I can't even describe how it made me feel to be back over a decade later, to dance Waltz of the Flowers (it's definitely not easy!) on pointe in this school that told me I just wasn't good enough. And to perform there not only with the advanced students, but I also did Giselle with the adult group I'm in. Both of those things were deemed impossible 12 years ago, for me to be on stage, and for adult ballet dancers to be there in general! Isn't it just poetic sometimes how circular life is? How it spirals? How the highs and lows move like tides? This is just the kind of thing that makes me feel very emotional about that.

Also, Waltz of the Flowers was the music I danced to, with my childhood best friend who I started ballet with, before I had to move away, so it's very special to me. Me and my friend were the oldest in our group, so we had the nerve to suggest to our teacher that we could choreograph a duo for ourselves for the spring performance. She said yes, of course, she always said yes to everything, and she was even going to get us real tutus (which we'd never had before). We were beyond over the moon, as much as any nine-year-olds can be. We were dead serious about everything even though I'm sure it just looked like child's play, but it didn't feel like it. Every day after school we would go to the top floor of the library, where there was this exhibition space that was perfect and empty and we choreographed our dance there and practiced like nothing in the world meant as much. We were best friends who danced together (and did everything else together). What in the world could ever be better than that? (Note from the 30-year-old me: Nothing. It's still the purest bliss I can recall. I really need to call this friend of mine this week, since I haven't in a while.)

Comparison photos of Waltz of the Flowers...

2003:

2024:

In short, to me Waltz of the Flowers was in many ways a closure and a parallel reflecting back on so many things in my ballet journey that I can't quite put it into words successfully. I'm just so happy that I got to do it.

Guess what more? I sprained my ankle half way through it. (The other ankle than the one I sprained at practise two days earlier!) The stage was full of holes (they always seem to be in city theaters...) and I landed in one, coming down from a jump. I felt a good "crunch", so I knew it was worse this time. But I didn't feel pain yet, because you know, adrenaline, so I continued the 3,5 minutes I had left, trying not to think about what damage I might be doing to my ankle, because show must go on.

Guess what more? I got a scholarship. We were the last performance, so I was still out of breath and wondering about how much my ankle was swelling when we stood in the back of the stage, listening to the end of the year speeches, and I have to admit I wasn't fully listening at that point, so I was like, wait what, did I just hear my name? I looked around, and the people next to me were looking at me like GO, so I went, and apparently I had heard right. And the thing is, I had only been in the advanced classes for half a year, I was not 15, I was 30, I was nowhere near my best shape, I had gained like 10 kilos in a couple of years, I was not in any way the kind of person that you'd think usually gets scholarships, so much less than I was when I first got one.

But at the same time... I was no longer like "I can't believe it's me", you know? I was more like "Cool, it's me." Because at this point I know that I'm good. Maybe not in the strictest ballet way. But in my own way, I am good, I know my strengths. I'm really motivated, I work really hard, I always get back up, I give the smallest roles every bit as much as the biggest ones, I have a naturally soft style and I've gotten praise on my technique, arms and legs during this year. I'm also creative. If I can't do something, I find a way to compensate, because I think about the big picture instead of getting caught in one minor thing. I couldn't count my fake splits to you, but numerous times I have danced choreographies that require splits, as the only dancer who can't do a split. This year I really needed to improve my stamina to get through the Waltz of the Flowers successfully, but I couldn't run, because my joint pain is too bad, and my chronic fatigue often prevents me from getting out of the house for anything that isn't strictly necessary, so going swimming was Impossible too. I needed a way to work on my breathing that was both joint-friendly and I could do while I was getting out of the house anyway. So, I started singing at the top of my lungs everyday when I was walking somewhere. It worked like a charm. (I didn't care about people's stares, but I live in a pretty remote area, anyway.)

By saying this was a closure I don't mean that it's any kind of an end. I don't even necessarily consider the times that I was in my best shape to always be my best times, because dance has always been more than that for me. So, I don't see being sick or getting older as any kind of deterioration. I still think that I probably haven't had my best and most interesting times yet. Your circumstances may not be what people see as a mark of success or potential, but you can still make it very interesting and fulfilling.

Who knows, maybe I'll get to collect a bigger series of pictures with sprained ankles with trophies I received in the same day? Well, I guess I hope not, but I do think it's funny that it happened twice.

(By the way, I can walk for short times without crutches, so it doesn't look too bad. :D)

If you're still with me, thanks for reading my self-indulgent rambling. If it by any chance brought to your mind any memories of your own, I'd be glad to listen.

I also wrote this because I want to spread the feeling that you get to be happy and proud and excited about the things you do, no matter what your level is. I'm not at all sad that I couldn't be a professional dancer, I'm beyond happy about everything that I can do, have done, and will do in the future. I've had really interesting times, this doesn't even scratch the surface, and I believe that everyone's stories are worth telling, so that includes my own.

Maybe this isn't the most tumblr-esque post one could make, but at the same time, out of places online it's definitely Tumblr that has the most appreciation for doing things for the heck of it, for the joy of it, so maybe this rambling belongs here anyway.

Towards new challenges! ✨

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

I'm always the one that's called a Negative Nancy who has to imagine problems for us, but I'm also always the one who ends up being right. I'm NOT a pessimist. I am a realist with too much life experience to view the world in any other way than what it is.

I told Dave at the last motel that we cannot bring too much stuff into the room because it'll be hell to clean up after. It'll be a bitch to move all that shit once we're eventually kicked out. Well, we got told 3 days before we had to leave, that we had to go, and he conveniently couldn't manage to help me or Bethy in moving shit, and then conveniently wasn't there the day the whole drama went down with the van losing all gas, the battery dying, and then the place we paid to move to, telling us we couldn't stay cuz they claimed Dave stole pillows when we stayed there a year ago.

We get to this place by pure fortune cuz of Bethy's brother's generosity, and Bethy and I move the necessities up 3 floors by ourselves. He finally comes along and insists on bringing even more shit into the room. Bring more stuff in again and again.

After almost a month, he throws a tantrum over the water pressure in the shower and demands to be moved to a better room, only to get a much smaller room for the same price, with worse AC, worse water pressure, no hot water, a TV too far away from the only chair he has access to, and the beds even smaller than the others. And he STILL kept bringing more stuff inside the room when I told him we don't need even more stuff here. Stop bringing in plastics. Stop bringing in more clothes. He's been talking about getting the roasting pan up here(despite how we never have meat to put in it). Don't bring up the air fryer or the coffee pot. They aren't allowed anyway since there are no sprinklers or fire alarms in this place.

But NOOOOOOO, he couldn't be bothered to listen to me.

So here we are.

We get a call from the front desk. We took too long to get to it so we don't know what it was for. I was trying to sleep, and something told me I should probably get up, but I've been so sick as of late that I'm exhausted all the time for no good reason.

A few minutes later, a bunch of guys knock on the door. Dave left this room absolutely filled with shit this morning. Not only is there too much stuff, but he just tosses things wherever the hell he wants with no care as to how it impedes us(and mom, who is disabled). They say they need to check the AC cuz it's old af. I sleep in front of the AC on the floor. I have to move so much shit all over the room in record time so they can have room to do whatever. Including garbage cuz 4 ppl really make a lot of garbage in little time, and Bethy is at school now so it's just me who is of able body to do anything.

The room looks like a damn mess. It's all Dave's shit and mostly his garbage on the other side of the room. All stuff he brought in and couldn't even put in an orderly fashion. So they come in, look around and remove the front of the AC, make notes, say a bunch of stuff in a language I can't understand or even place, and then leave. IDK if they plan to come back, but I cleaned up what I could as quickly as I could anyway.

I'm winded, my throat is killing me, and I'm still fucking sick. I should not have to spend my day cleaning up after Dave's messes so suddenly.

So anyway, mom and I are preparing for bad news about not being able to stay here cuz the state of this room was not up to par. We handle our own garbage just fine. We keep our side of the room pretty decently set imo. Why can't Dave be bothered to do the same? He's always forcing Bethy to do shit as if she's the only other person here and he doesn't eat, sleep, and shit like the rest of us.

I really wish it could be as simple as kicking his ass out, but in situations like ours, it just isn't viable. And it sucks.

[woaddragoon-nadya]

Explaining her story: Nadya's Marks

I thought I would take a second and explain one of the aspects of Nadya's appearance that I've received a couple compliments on! That would be her facial "marks," and I'll give you my head canon reasons for why she has them. This is sort of the singular story element of hers I really have fleshed out.

So she has a pretty subtle "mark" across her face. This is meant to replicate the look of a scar, with the slightly lighter skin. As for why she has it, it's from the fight with Lahabrea. In my personal canon (remembering I haven't seen the whole story so maybe I'm wrong) the warrior of light is fully a mortal. An incredibly strong, and god blessed mortal, but still a mortal. Therefore I think the radiance of god light would have some negative affects. So my idea for this was that because her eyes were literally shining with light, she accidentally burned her own skin. 

The other features also have to do with this fight. I match her marks to if she is empowered by Hydaelyn. Starting after the Lahabrea fight, if she's empowered/in tune with Hydaelyn, her marks are a pretty bright blue. If she isn't (think Midgardsomarr) they are black. Her eyes also turned a much deeper blue after the fight. 

I just like the idea that there were repercussions. That in the end, her strength can't overcome the fact she is mortal. It also plays into the post ARR story I have written for her. Her face isn't the only thing that is scarred, or burned. She has to spend months getting help applying salves, ducking out on missions to spend a night crying in pain at the inn, being in that constant thrum of pain. 

Part of that is because I have a chronic illness which means I do experience a lot of those. The idea that even with a disability she's the strongest person on the planet has always been a hopeful thought for me.

[paperboy-pb]

Now that the prologue is done, I can't thank the fans of this series enough.

No, we haven't hit any particular follower milestone. The story has just begun. And most of you haven't given me any sort of financial support to help me out, either. (And that's alright! I haven't asked, lol.)

I'm thanking you for just being apart of the audience.

I started PB in a little blue notebook during the summer of 2015. It was originally meant for my eyes only. And a big part of the reason why was that, when I googled things like "Special Ed makes me feel bad," there wouldn't be much of anything coming up. There were Quora forums! A couple of YouTube videos. Articles here and there.

But it wasn't a lot. Not enough to help me out for long. And it only hammered the idea further into my head that I was alone in what I endured. As I got older, grew up, and away from the program and people who took my disabled youth, I constantly felt this urge to talk about it. What SpEd had put me through. What I'd lost. What I'd seen & heard. The things I did and didn't learn. Even though I was never a very open kid, let alone teenager.

I hated that no one was talking about it. And how nobody knew what happened to kids like me behind closed doors. At 13 and 14, almost none of the new friends I made had ever heard a life story like mine. And I've always found that wild: I had a LOT of friends! (Still do!)

So I kept drawing it out. Kept working on the story in notebooks, sketchbooks, my friends' DMs, and anywhere else words could go. Sometimes, my family would catch glimpses of the concept art. Sad sketches of Matthew crying, freaky drafts of Monster, or tense moments between what would become Class 7-C.

And one of my parents would be like, "Why is your art so depressing?" They'd roll their eyes. And they'd add on, "People's parents aren't gonna like it!"

No, I never told them what the story was about. I never even told them it was a children's media (because it kinda isn't! I'd personally put PB as 13+?) These were judgments made with just one glance at computer papers covered in pencil strokes; sketchy and shapey little kids who didn't look like they were having fun.

I knew they were wrong. But the audacity still pissed me off. There aren't many times where it's appropriate to boss somebody else around in how to tell their story, you know? Not only that, but I also worried about not having an audience back then. Sure, all my friends loved my work. But at the time, I was the only one who'd really experienced anything "Special Education" in life. Thus, these were General Ed kids watching it unfold. Able-bodied eyes and (as far as I knew back then) neurotypical minds, watching and learning from whatever I made.

And I liked that. But that wasn't the only group I wanted to be seen by. I wanted disabled people, especially youth in their teens and twenties, to see it. That's my primary audience. And shit like that made me wonder if I'd ever find it. Had me second-guessing myself a little, you know?

But I shook it off. It's like that thing teachers always say in class. "If you're confused or have a question, ask: whatever it is, you probably aren't the only one thinking it!"

And I searched for stuff like PAPERBOY, hadn't I? Yeah. I had. So by that logic, other people definitely would be, too.

So I stuck to my guns, and... check it! Y'all showed up!

One thing I've noticed ever since publishing part 1 is that the PB Nation is pretty damn devoted. You guys have been patient, passionate, silly, and unapologetically yourselves since the get-go. And the response to every old promotional comic or post I've made has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive and curious. I've gotten fucking fanart, man! More than once! I've had the honor of meeting a few of you in person already! And for the ones who haven't caught me out with my friends in New York, believe me, I REMEMBER who comments what.

By the way, you guys should spam my comments more. Fuckin' love that shit. SPEAK TO ME, lmao. Even if it's like, the most irrelevant PB question ever. Keyboard smash in my comment sections. Send me disability reels you like. Tell me what you wanna see from the story. Whatever, as long as it doesn't bleed into parasocial territory!

I've gotta have one of the best audiences out there. So thank you! For just... being around. Here's to hoping y'all enjoy the journey we're aboutta go on.

[tea-earl-grey]

character ask game: seven of nine and b'elenna torres

from this ask game

thanks for asking! since i'm procrastinating anyways i'm just gonna go through all the questions and put a cut because uh. this will be long :)

Seven of Nine:

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I'm always obsessed with characters struggling with humanity/personhood and Seven is the character to me that best exemplifies that struggle in addition to having so many complex narratives about trauma and guilt that are surprisingly well explored despite Voyager's tendency to avoid any serialized elements. plus Jeri Ryan's acting really sells it.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

her autistic swag. no but actually her bluntness and willingness to challenge others (particularly Janeway) is really refreshing and adds some great conflict to Voyager.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

going to cop out and say the costuming lmao. it bothers me so fucking much and in my head Seven's been wearing science blues on Voyager since s4.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

i think Seven in any Doctor Who media would be really fascinating maybe specifically paired with the Eighth or Ninth Doctor? i think a lot of her problems around guilt and inhumanity are thoroughly explored in Doctor Who but she would also challenge the Doctor well when it comes to violence and whether the ends justify the means.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Machine by Regina Spektor

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

a fear of intimacy and insecurity about letting people around you know the real me... oh dear. on a more uplifting side, all of Seven's interactions with Tuvok really remind me of me and my dad. autism for the win.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

idk how widespread it is but i love thinking of Seven as a physically disabled character and her post-Voyager having to navigate medical systems that are openly hostile (if not downright dangerous) and her eventually finding that it's easier to be in pain and patch injuries together by herself than trusting others.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

hmmm i don't think this is true on tumblr rn but i've read some older fic and posts that just comes off as weirdly infantilizing just because she isn't great with social interactions. (it's also just a larger problem of infantilizing neurodivergent coded characters).

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

tbh yeah? i think Seven might get annoyed at my tendency to leave clutter around and i might get annoyed at her tendency to mess around with things without telling people but i think we could pretty easily agree on boundaries and stick to them.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

i would love to try but realistically i think both of us are too wary of social situations to actually be close friends.

11. Would you date this character?

if Seven asked me on a date then i would say yes but also i'm arospec and Seven has way too many relationship issues going on so that would not last.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Seven cut off all contact with Voyager's crew after Icheb died because of her guilt over his death except for Naomi who she sent a message to on every birthday.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

gonna be honest the last thing i associate with Seven are emojis so... none?

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

maybe a bit predictable but i would love a steampunk redesign of Seven.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Seven/Raffi!! they have a great combination of being actually cute and having tons of unresolved conflict and some parallels (i.e. Seven accidentally causing her sort-of-son's death because she tried to be in an intimate relationship vs Raffi pushing her son away because she was too focused on her career and Doing the Right Thing). i really wish their relationship was a bigger part of Picard (particularly s3) and we didn't keep having them break-up offscreen and then ambiguously get back together like their relationship felt like such an afterthought and i realllllly hope we get some show or movie or even a book where Seven and Raffi get to be lead characters together.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Seven/Shaw is one of my few hated ships. if you like it then sure whatever i don't really care but i'm incredibly uninterested in shipping characters where one repeatedly deadnames the other and is just generally rude and dismissive. i actually really like their canon dynamic, i think Shaw is a great semi-antagonist for Seven with good narrative purpose and i dig the begrudging respect he eventually has for her but I Do Not ship it.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Seven/B'Elanna. it's not something i really picked up on watching voyager and i'm not super interested in it but i definitely see how it could work and be a good dynamic! i'm not a b7 shipper but i support their beliefs.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

admire is a strong word (and tbh i don't think i admire any of Seven's relationships, she's an absolute mess on that front) but i'm fascinated by Janeway and Seven's relationship. it was obviously written to be a mentor & student dynamic but so much of it is fucked up in a really compelling way (with some strong sapphic vibes going on) with Janeway essentially forcing Seven to be human and presuming to know who Seven should be and then acting surprised when Seven isn't her perfect protege (even echoing the control the Borg Queen has over the Collective. sorry i just watched Dark Frontier the other day so that's fresh in my mind). i would die to see them have a scene in Picard era because there's just so much to get into.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Seven & the EMH. in the Voyager of version that exists in my head, they have a good dynamic and friendship and i generally politely ignore some of the later canon stuff but yeah... not a fan of the Doctor's crush on her that just ends up falling into a very objectifying "older man is in love with his young female student" dynamic in seasons 6 and 7.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

i'm forever bitter than Seven and Hugh didn't have A SINGLE SCENE together. especially because the actors are actual friends! injustice! Seven and Hugh would be so cool together as they've shared so many of the same experiences but came out of them as very different people – Hugh choosing to be kind in the face of hatred and help the xBs vs Seven running away from the problem so she doesn't have to face her past. but yeah. Hugh is ideal best friend material.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

hm. i've mostly written (incomplete) stuff for Picard-era Seven and i really like to hone in on smaller movements and specify that they're very purposeful and planned because Seven has spent so long practicing "looking" and behaving human enough as a survival tactic (same thing with the way she speaks) and i love having her movements and speech pattern fall back to her earlier self when she's stressed or focused on something else.

something i don't like is that i have a hard time capturing her internal monologue and the way she views the world, particularly with Voyager-era Seven) as it always ends up coming out either too robotic or too human.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to the character? Something you don't like?

hmmm i really like fics that explore some of the darker body horror type nature of the xBs (and particularly Seven) and i tend to get annoyed with stories (including canon ones) that erase the fact that part of her is still Borg.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

i do love the screencap that's my current icon (from The Haunting of Deck 12) but s1 Picard Seven is my favorite look of hers and particularly this shot is just. very good.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

oh this is an incredibly obscure pull but Compassion from the Eighth Doctor Adventure books who is a clone that's been recycled so many times that she's lost any resemblance to the person she was based on and has to struggle with not being a real person in a way that reminds me a lot of Seven.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

awhile before i started watching Voyager i had a friend who kept telling me how much i would like Seven (they guessed correctly) and from them i knew a) she was queer b) she was a badass c) she struggled with the idea of humanity which... again. is exactly my type of character and my impression hasn't majorly changed other than realizing that she is a much more nuanced and complex character than i originally thought.

B'Elanna Torres:

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

i love B'Elanna! she's just a good character who has so much internal strife but tries to be strong and not let anyone know that she's in pain which is tragic but i am a tragedy enjoyer first and foremost.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

i think the sadness she has, especially when she's alone and there's no one to argue with, is so compelling and Roxann Dawson plays her really well. i also love that she's shown as very competent and and intelligent but didn't graduate from the Academy and doesn't have a particular love of Starfleet unlike 95% of other Star Trek characters.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

because of the all (or at least mostly) white writers i think her character often leans into some unfortunate "fiery/angry Latina" stereotypes that's not recognized enough because it's always under the guise of "oh well it's because she's Klingon" but like. assigning undesirable personality traits to races, even if fictional, is. still racist.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

I'm not huge into Star Wars but I think B'Elanna would thrive joining the rebels in the original trilogy.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

it might be the fact that i'm currently listening to this song but Mama by My Chemical Romance.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

i think we both have a tendency to doubt our ability to do things that we're good at when faced with people who might be more qualified but less talented but i love how quickly B'Elanna does gain confidence in her abilities in s1 and 2 and i hope to follow in her footsteps.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

i have a lot of respect for the closeted lesbian B'Elanna headcanons i must say.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

idk if this is a widespread fandom take or not but i always dislike the idea that B'Elanna would remain in Starfleet post-Voyager. like the show itself kind of forgets that the Maquis crew on Voyager still has some pretty big beef with the Federation (for good reason) and i don't think she would ever want to join Starfleet unless they have some systemic changes.

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

i think we would definitely have certain habits that would annoy each other but like with Seven, i feel like if we came up with some boundaries both of us would stick to them and it would work out.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

we have very different personalities that would clash a bit too much to be best friends but i think we would get along.

11. Would you date this character?

again, probably not more just because i'm aro and not super interested in dating and B'Elanna deserves someone better than me.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

after returning from the Delta Quadrant, B'Elanna opens an engineering shop where she rehabs old ships (with or without Tom).

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

i think B'Elanna would respond to a lot of messages with just the middle finger🖕

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

B'Elanna would rock 90s grunge fashion so hard.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

hmmm i thought about this for awhile and honestly i just can't really think of a ship that makes sense for her because she deserves much better than the canon characters she interacts with.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

i've seen B'Elanna/Chakotay around a few times and... no. not for me please.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

B'Elanna/Seven (as I said in Seven's section)

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

i generally like B'Elanna & Chakotay's canon relationship (with a few notable exceptions where things get weird) and i think Chakotay is such a good mentor figure for her as someone who shares the same political ideology but is older and wiser and knows better than to act only out of anger.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

B'Elanna/Tom and it's not that i don't think the characters could work together, there are a few moments from the show and people's fanons or whatnot that have a lot of potential. and there's so much potential inherent in two characters with a lot of issues that they tend to hide with humor or aggression or whatever who are now forced to indefinitely be part of this crew/family. however i hate that all of their interactions are plagued with 90s sexism and always shown from Tom's perspective of how much he struggles being in a relationship and remembering to pay attention to B'Elanna as if that's just. an expected part of being in a relationship rather than a problem that needs to be resolved. and so many episodes focus on their relationship problems and we rarely get to see them being happy so it comes off feeling like they're trapped in an unhappy marriage.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

B'Elanna and Harry! they have such a good dynamic in s1 with Harry being the embodiment of Starfleet idealism and B'Elanna being so jaded towards Federation idealism and Harry over time developing his own Problems and B'Elanna beginning to resolve her issues. i wish we got more of them together!

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

i haven't written any fic for B'Elanna yet so i'll just skip this one

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to the character? Something you don't like?

tbh i haven't read much B'Elanna fic. i'll get around to it! i've only been a Voyager fan for like 6 months.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

i love her curly hair from the beginning of s6 sooooo much

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Clara from Doctor Who (specifically in s9). they both have some deep insecurities that they try to cover up with quips and deflection. they're also both very clever but don't necessarily think through their actions and have a tendency to throw themselves into danger.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

tbh i didn't really have a strong opinion about any of the Voyager characters when i first started the show and kind of expected B'Elanna to fall into the mixed (alien) race stereotype of torn between two worlds and some of the accompanying racist tropes but tbh B'Elanna became a much deeper character than i ever expected both with exploring the tension of her heritage and internalized racism (Barge of the Dead & Lineage come to mind) but also exploring her mental health (Extreme Risk) and how her character reveals some of the issues inherent in the Federation's existence. i just wish that Voyager did more and was willing to create a more complete arc for her that doesn't leave some stuff like her self harming behaviors and grief over the Maquis alone after one episode. i also didn't expect her to be probably the most competent engineer in all of Star Trek but i maintain that she is.

[johannestevans]

Do you have any experiences you feel comfortable sharing around realizing through self dx and/or prof diagnosis being adhd and/or autistic? i have a strong suspicion i have both or one, but the symptoms make it hard to actually do some substantial research to come to an actual conclusion.

Honestly, I've know since as long as i remember that something was 'up' but my kid logic was just like 'ohhhhh if i watch enough people, ill do it just like they do, i wouldn't be different anymore :))' but whoop who would have guessed you cant logic your way out of feelings, or symptoms or disability. like i kinda stalled facing the fact by just saying; 'oh im neurodivergent but ill be undiagnosed out of respect that's good enough for me'.

But finally finishing school and talking to peers outside of school made me realize that what's 'up' with me hasn't been alleviated or fixed. that all the stress of being different hasn't faded. that i just learned to manage it to survive. that maybe an even more uncomfortable fact, that i wasn't even managing it WELL and the people around me knew the teachers knew but i was black and a 'girl' so they'd just treat me like i was lazy or didn't want to learn or i just wasn't intelligent enough to learn. did i have a difficult home life? was there a reason i wouldn't finish assignments? why id act out? why i'd always avoid eye contact? nope this kid didn't finish the assignment/is fidgeting/is RUDE, and they'd send me to the hallway and id try not to breakdown. wash rinse repeat until the end of the year and suddenly the teach was so warm and so happy to have taught you!

Nothing changes i made it though elementary, middle and high school and i didn't get a badge or pat on the back just the worst burnout at 18. i held out so much hope that oh ill work it all out and school will someday be a breeze. id just been holding onto a pipe dream for 12 years.

so when i type in "tips for keeping a tidy room"...."for adhd" or "are binders uncomfortable for people with sensory issues?" or "binder for sensory issues" and these all come up with answers that actually speak to me, i kind of start reeling! Dude this shop from singapore i ordered from sent me a binder no sensory issues, perfect fit! after trying multiple bras cuz 'binding is uncomfortable' but this binder man no chest dysphoria, all the comfort that people would signal to me whenever id say "ugh bras are uncomfortable right?"

the cold authority figures i had as a kid don't deal with the fallout of 12 years of shame and discomfort with next to no explanation. but you cant really pin it on someone. its all the culmination of systemic '-isms'. THAT's hard to make peace with.

so ill finally admit that "ill just be undiagnosed out of respect :)" is just internalized ableism. that a lot of what i thought about myself was just internalized ableism. ill give every other person the benefit of the doubt regardless of professional diagnosis status, why don't i afford myself that same compassion the answer is obviously internalized ableism now that i write it out. but I've got to heal everybody does.

But damn if healing isn't bitter! medicine that can only be sweetened up with artificial strawberry, lest it loses its potency. so ill take the first step and round back to the beginning of what i was saying;

hey! pursuing a professional diagnosis as a black, young,trans person in the us south is daunting. do you have any autism and/or adhd self dx resources, neurodivergency resources or have any anecdotes about living with both that are fun i never hear about enough fun ppl have! anything would be helpful!

Hey there!

My experiences were pretty wild, honestly, I wasn't diagnosed through school and university even though I was a pretty classic case, and then I did pursue my Dx as an adult a few years ago.

It was pretty expensive, and because I'm self-employed and set my own hours that are quite intuitive and based off of my own needs and limits, I actually found that the medication I was prescribed made my workload harder to handle.

It's not that the medications for ADHD are bad - if I ever go back to university or enter more traditional employment again, I do want to keep meds in mind as an option - but that they're really intended to get you focused and adjusted for a 9 to 5 or other traditional job structure, and that's just not what my life looks like.

I will say that like...

It's not that a diagnosis is bad, but I actually do have some concerns about it in terms of receiving medical care - some bigoted doctors use ADHD and autism diagnoses as a reason to withhold medical care or otherwise to deny healthcare and assistance; some countries actually stipulate in their immigration policies that a condition like autism will negatively impact your ability to immigrate there.

If you want to try medication and you feel like you need it, official diagnosis might be a good route for you, but if you don't want medication, official diagnosis might be a hindrance as much as it could be a help.

There's nothing wrong or bad about having a diagnosis, what I'm saying is more that like... If you have ADHD or autism, then you have it whether a doctor agrees or not. You only need that doctor's piece of paper if you want to seek out medical treatment - lots of people seek out other resources while being self-diagnosed, especially because seeking out clinical diagnosis can be so expensive, and you can avail of any online resources without being "officially" ADHD or autistic, you know?

I don't have a huge amount of resources, but a few recs I have are:

ADHD Alien's comics - Pina's comics are very cute and I find a lot of them very relatable, but they almost always also have resources linked in the replies by Pina themselves or somebody else, specifically for the issue addressed in each comic.

HowToADHD - Jessica's videos are really comprehensive and go through a lot of ADHD experiences from different angles, especially looking at the day-to-day issues of the workplace or the domestic sphere with lots of little tips!

I was on Jeremy Sachs and Katherine Cox's podcast this month with my friend Ashleigh Wilder, and we talked about the impact of autism and trauma, which might be helpful. Ashleigh is an actor and poet, but he's got a background in psych, and they post a lot of resources around autism and other neurodivergence like OCD.

Healing sucks big time, and it takes a lot of time to unpack a lot of that internalised pain and fear - and also just like... recognising the things in you which might be to do with neurodivergent traits, and realising you can seek out resources or things to make your life easier.

It's a long journey for any of us, but I wish you luck, and I hope some of these resources make it easier to seek out more!

In general, I would absolutely remind you to always tack on "for adults" when searching for a lot of resources, simply because so many of them assume ADHD is a kid's condition and a kid's concern.