#this led to stuff i end up talking about in therapy

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

maybe there's sort of like a grimy look and feel to them that i get? it's more haunting, especially from a perspective of now. i'm sad about a lot of things that happened years ago to me. i guess it's kinda soothing??

[essenceofarda]

.

[teaboot]

Forgive me if you’ve already answered something similar but how do you deal with crushing guilt when you did fuck up but there’s not really anything you can do to like make amends or you’ve already done anything you could and still feel guilty?

Like I know the guilt isn’t productive at all, if anything it’s just paralyzing me, and mentally beating myself up over it isn’t actually helping anyone. But I don’t know where to go from there. Idk how to actually forgive myself, or at least be able to move on

CW FOR SELF HARM

Okay, so this is something I've had to work through for a very long time myself, and there's a few different strategies that I've used to cope and process with varying levels of success.

What I used to do was handle the "I've ruined everything and hurt people and am never going to be forgiven" feeling by hurting myself in a number of creative and stupid ways, from physical hurt (Everything you'd expect) to mental hurt (wallowing, speaking badly of myself, going over the bad thing over and over again in my head) to passive hurt (neglecting my health, not eating properly, failing to pursue good living conditions, letting others hurt me, deliberately wandering into risky situations) and despite any short-term relief or peace I got, none of it ultimately fixed anything.

At the end of the day, making myself suffer as retribution or apology didn't fix the thing I'd done and didn't make the guilt go away, and all it gave me was an additional sense of shame and isolation because now not only was I a garbage person, I was a garbage person with something to hide from my loved ones. Zero out of ten, do not recommend.

The stuff that DID help was harder and is going to sound stupid because *I thought it was stupid* until it worked for me.

First: Learn the difference between GUILT and SHAME.

GUILT is how you feel about your choices.

SHAME is how you feel about yourself.

"I was late to a date again, that was inconsiderate": GUILT. The issue can be resolved by analyzing the reason behind the action and planning steps to avoid repeating it in the future. Guilt is productive because it motivates us to improve our choices. Once you've corrected the behaviour, it's over.

A"I was late to a date again, I'm inconsiderate": SHAME. The issue can be resolved by asking ourselves:

What negative thing to I believe about myself?

What other experiences support this belief? What evidence do I have that the bad thing is true?

Do those previous experiences have anything in common? Where they actually proof of a personal lack, or did someone just tell me they were? Were my choices and actions understandable? Did I have a reason? Was I trying to hurt others, or was it a mistake, accident, or learning experience? Have I grown from that experience?

Can I forgive myself for the past? What do I need to do to forgive myself for those past events? Was I really at fault at all, or was it out of my control?

Accept that.

Your present traumas and shames often have roots in beliefs you had about yourself before the new shameful thing occurred. When you dig into resolving the issues that led to today, you can use those conclusions to work through tomorrow. This is something I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy.

There are a number of ways of unpacking these questions, but as I felt I was deliberately avoiding my thoughts and feelings, I chose to jump into them directly, and found it to be effective.

You can write things down, talk to someone, paint something, draw something, whatever. Whatever at all works for you.

My solutions was to find a comfortable place on the floor, sit down, close my eyes, and do box-breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) while deliberately thinking about every upsetting memory attached to a specific bad belief that I could recall until I had nothing left to go over.

Judge and jury. Was I a bad person, or did I make a mistake? Did I have malicious intentions, or did someone accuse me of malicious intentions? Am I bad, or have I been conditioned to believe I'm bad? And at the end of it all, am I capable of better? Do I want to be better? And would a truly bad person care?

It was more emotional than I expected the first few times. Cried a lot, actually. But if I can liken it to a common feeling, it was like getting out of a very thorough shower and realizing you didn't know how dirty you were before.

The process sucks ass, no lie, but it's worth it. Like draining pus from a gnarly wound to get it healed up properly.

I'm not an expert, of course, but life has gotten better since I started. I'm better at forgiving myself, at least.

Also: Some people will never forgive others even for tiny things. Sometimes once you've done your best, you've just gotta say "fuck 'em". C'est la vie, mon amie.

Good luck, yeah?

♡

[wttcsms]

if you feel like falling (catch me on the way down) | ONE

ᝰ.ᐟ after getting your heart broken by professional soccer player, rin itoshi, all because he loved the game more than you, you officially swear off all men — especially athletes. your publicist doesn't get that memo, though, and you find yourself roped into a fake relationship with yoichi isagi, who isn't just a pro soccer player, but also your ex's rival. things could get messy. ( fem!reader )

pairing yoichi isagi x reader (endgame), past! rin itoshi x reader word count 2.9k chapter synopsis there are certain perks to having a relationship that operates on a "private not secret" basis. for example, you're allowed at least two weeks before the batshit crazy people online figure out that little miss it girl just got her ass dumped. chapter contains partying to cope, social drinking, diet culture, this fic is so chronically online LOL author's notes so normally, i would organize the fic's different arcs or acts by explicitly saying "act 1" or whatever. like i said, we're gonna be chronically online, so the arcs are described as different "eras" and when it's a new arc, we'll get a new era 🤭 each era has special graphics for it: what the media sees vs what's actually going on. think of the era intro as a moodboard for the chapters that'll follow <3

⋆˚࿔ CURRENT ERA: PARTY GIRL 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ from the outside, it's giving irl serena van der woodsen but even better, no one can possibly have the same 24 hours as you, someone needs to convince you to drop the skincare routine STAT, matter of fact - we just need your whole game card

— guest starred on the hottest pop culture podcast where it was basically just a glaze session for you (besides the last 10 minutes where the host started asking about rin), articles that want to help readers live your (unattainable if you're not rich!) lifestyle, and a devoted fanpage that updates your every move... every move.

on the inside, it's actually giving listening and actually relating to sad music, asking an 8 ball if you're the problem, being desperate enough to believe those tiktoks that say if you claim this sound and interact 3x he'll text you back, wondering when you should mail him back his stuff, keeping busy in the public eye so no one suspects how miserable you are right now

— even spotify clocked you and it's auto-generated, customized playlist perfectly depicts what you're going through (talk about the saddest soundtrack to your life), got desperate and consulted quora (this is how you know you're at rockbottom). not shown: your credit card statement (retail therapy works, right? right?!)

“Promise you’ll be on your best behavior?” Yukimiya peers over his sunglasses so he can give you a very pointed look. You tilt your head innocently.

“When am I ever not?” 

Yukimiya lets out a very loud, very drawn out, very exasperated sigh. When have you not been on your best behavior? Well, just last month, you got drunk, stumbled out to your garage, hopped in your custom-wrapped pink Porsche, and somehow ended up falling asleep on top of the hood. (In your defense, at least even in a drunken stupor, you weren’t stupid enough to drive.) Last week, you collected the numbers of about eight different athletes and models, sufficiently led every single one of them on, and are now actively ghosting all of them because they committed the cardinal sin of not sounding like, feeling like, or being anything like Rin. And speaking of the devil, Rin’s the reason why just last night, you ended up blocking not just him from your social media, but his whole entire team, too. You felt vindicated when you did this at 2 AM. Yeah, because that’ll sure show him! He hasn’t looked at your story once since the breakup (not that you’ve been keeping track or anything), but in case he tries to play it cool and gets one of his teammates to view it on his behalf, you’ll have put a stop to that plan. 

(Even when you’re spiraling, you’re still painfully aware of the fact that Rin’s most likely doing okay, if not still performing at his best. He is most certainly not doing something as childish as getting his teammates to relay info on you to him. Meanwhile, you are apparently a social liability for your closest friends. Spectacular.) 

“Don’t answer that.” You tell him. “I don’t want to know what my life looks like through your eyes.” It’s bad enough that every little thing you do gets documented, photographed, and then sensationalized on the Internet, but it’s one thing for strangers to commentate on your behavior when they don’t even have the full story. It’s another thing entirely when it’s your best friend criticizing your current lifestyle. 

“I’m just saying, it’s going to be a very casual lunch with my favorite people. Not a party.” Yukimiya clarifies. 

“Kenyu, you do realize that inviting me to a birthday party, and then saying ‘it’s not a party’ is kind of giving mixed signals right now.” Now it’s your turn to give him a pointed look, but just like his, there’s no true venom behind it. It’s Kenyu’s birthday celebration, anyway. You’re not about to corrupt Mr. Catholic Private School and tell him to throw a fucking rager. 

“If my team gets their way, there probably will be an actual party. If there is, you’ll be the first one I give the details to.” There’s a distant shout in the back; the photographer is done with his lunch, and he’s ready to wrap this shoot up. Kenyu examines his hair in the vanity mirror before getting out of his chair and giving you a quick hug. Your photos have already been taken, and there’s really no point for you to be on set still. 

However, Kenyu’s on set. Your only other viable option is to just go home and hide under your covers, rewatching Someone Great on Netflix and Doordashing Ben & Jerry’s. Juliette is home in France and won’t be coming back until the end of the month, and you’re not really in the mood to see any of your other friends. It’s tiring being around people who can’t separate front-cover-of-Vogue you from the real you. If you’re going to have to fake a smile, it might as well be on set rather than grabbing brunch with people who would kill to be able to leak something as headline-inducing as your breakup. 

“Pinky promise?” You look up at Yukimiya. “You promise to tell me about the party even if I’ll make a fool of myself because apparently I don’t act on my best behavior?” 

He rolls his eyes at your comment. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, and you know that. Besides, you could never make a fool of yourself. Anything you do is declared iconic, anyway.”

Having a famous movie director as a father and a certified Hollywood starlet as a mother, life wasn’t just set at easy mode for you. You practically were given an unlimited money hack and started off with like, five times the XP compared to any other beginner. At thirteen, you told your parents that for your birthday, you wanted to become a model. Two phone calls and a private jet flight later, and you had signed with the best modeling agency in the country and had your first ever photoshoot booked. 

Fate gave you parents with connections, and you’d be a fool to not use it to your advantage. Fate also gave you the same photoshoot as another young model, and you’d be a fool to not befriend Kenyu Yukimiya immediately. Out of all the friends you’ve ever made, fate only gives you good luck twice: first with Yuki, then with Juliette. You used to think you got lucky three times — meeting Rin for the first time was like experiencing something cosmic. Now you know better. Even rich people can have shit luck, too. 

Today’s unlucky situation is the way Yukimiya’s “favorite people” all happen to be athletes. There’s not a single person here who isn’t his teammate or somehow related to Bastard Munchen, except for you. If you didn’t love Yukimiya so much, you would have hauled ass. It’s normally easy enough for you to avoid soccer players at parties because they don’t normally get invited to the same social events you do, but now you’re the odd one out. 

At least the food is good. You don’t have a photoshoot scheduled until next week, and that’s exactly why you’re comfortable with choking down half a bagel sandwich rather than socialize with the guys seated by you. Yukimiya’s real big on intimacy and the power of friendship or whatever, which is probably easier to achieve when you play a team sport versus the modeling industry, where good jobs are few and far between, and the reason why some models are so skinny is because they can’t afford to eat — literally and figuratively. If they’re not booking jobs, there’s no way they can buy groceries in this economy. 

He has everyone assembled at one long table in the massive backyard of his mansion. It’s honestly kind of Last Supper-core, but it fits him. Little Yuki’s finally old enough to have a seat at the big kid’s table. He’s sitting across from you, and you’re sandwiched between Kunigami and Hiori. Next to Yukimiya is Isagi. Out of everyone at this party, soccer player or not, Isagi is the person you want to avoid the most. So far, you think you’ve managed to skirt under his radar. If everything goes as planned, you’ll be able to leave this lunch with your belly full and not having to interact with anybody. It’s looking like you won’t even have to drink in order to get through this. 

“Hey, out of all of us at this table, who d’ya think would have the best shot at being a model?” Hiori is clearly speaking to you. The blue-haired player is looking directly at you, for God’s sake. You wonder if it’ll be mean to blatantly ignore him, but considering how this little question seems to have captured the attention of the surrounding players, it looks like pretending you’re hard of hearing is out of the question. 

Inside, you’re dying. The last thing you wanted to do was socialize, but it’d be selfish and bratty to request that Yukimiya find more time in his busy schedule to have a one-on-one celebration with you. You’re here to support your friend. You can stomach being friendly with boys who have probably seen Rin more recently than you’ve last seen him. Fuck — why are you thinking about Rin? Do not think about Rin!

You grab one of the premade mimosas from the tray in the center of the table. You down the glass in one swift gulp. On the outside, you flash Hiori a bright smile and give an airy giggle. “Why? You trying to get a foot into the industry?” 

Hiori’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink. “W-well, no. Just wanted to make conversation.” 

“No worries! I’ve been trying to keep up with whatever you guys are talking about, but even after all this time being friends with Kenyu, I still don’t really get soccer.” Your smile is still intact. You reach for another mimosa. 

“Rin didn’t teach you anything?” 

Ever since you entered the industry, you knew that you had to get comfortable with standing out. No — you needed to thrive on standing out. You needed to crave, to rely on, people’s undying attention in order to survive. In the eyes of the media, you’re the center of attention. You got what every girl your age wants. At this table, everyone’s eyes are focused on you. What you want is to be back in your room, away from their prying gazes and curious stares.

But you’re a trained professional. Your smile never slides off, never turns into a grimace. You give a casual shrug, directing your answer to the person who mentioned Rin in the first place. 

“I make it a rule to not discuss work when we’re together.” You look at Isagi, asking him with your eyes if that’s a good enough explanation for him. He holds your gaze, looking at you like he sees right through you.

You drink another mimosa. 

After loosening up because of the drinks, you find casual conversation with the Munchen players to be easy. The boys honestly never shut up, and you don’t know what they’re talking about half the time, but you’re cracking genuine smiles every so often, and by the time Yukimiya is going around and saying his thanks for everyone showing up, you are…

Not drunk, per se. You’ve built up quite the tolerance these past few weeks, and it’s hard to get wasted off of drinks that are basically three-fourths orange juice. (Seriously, was Yukimiya getting stingy with the champagne? Sober You might be able to acknowledge the fact that Yukimiya might have just been preparing for the Worst Case Scenario, which would be you hogging all the drinks to yourself. Which sort of happened. Fuck. Sometimes it sucks to be known so well.) You’re definitely tipsy, though. Maybe half a tier above tipsy? Whatever the case, you are definitely in no shape to drive. 

“Kenny,” you whine out his nickname, trying your best to pull out your puppy-dog eyes. “Please take me home.” 

“Ah, damnnit, [Name].” He runs his fingers through his dark curls. “Did you seriously get drunk off of orange juice?” 

“Champagne drunk is the best drunk. I’m pretty sure People Magazine quoted me on that like, last year, so it’s basically fact.” Yukimiya doesn’t seem overly impressed. “And I’m not drunk, but my alcohol levels right now are definitely above the legal limit. Sorry, but I don’t plan on making headlines for a DUI. Hard to spin that into something iconic.” 

This gets Yukimiya to crack a smile. “I thought you were leaning into the party girl look?” 

“Yeah, but after Justin Timberlake got caught for intoxicated driving, he made it look totally lame. He ruined it for us!” 

“I wish I could drive you back, but I have to retake some photos for this sneaker ad I’m doing, and with traffic, I’m really cutting it close already. Do you want to just come with, or hang out at my place until I get back? You should’ve said something sooner; I could’ve asked one of the guys to drop you off.”

You crinkle your nose. “No, thanks. I’m not a fan of strangers knowing where I live.” Becoming a model at such a young age thrust you into the spotlight. With media attention comes total pervs who lurk in Reddit threads and 4Chan, and stumbling upon some of the things said about you, reading the things they would do to you if they found you, all laid out in disgusting, graphic detail, left you kind of paranoid. Getting doxxed might be one of your worst fears. No Ubers. No car ride homes with strangers. “I’ll wait here. It’s been a while since I went through your things, so I’m sure there’ll be enough of your dirty secrets to uncover to keep me occupied.” 

“Did you need a ride?” 

Shitty luck, indeed. 

The teammate who decided to stay behind to help clean up (because he’s just that outstanding of a guy) is the sole reason for why you went buckwild on the mimosas. You can see why Rin was always frustrated with him.

“Nope—” You say, at the same exact time as Yukimiya nods enthusiastically. 

“Would you mind? [Name] actually lives pretty close by, so it might not be out of the way.” 

You shoot Yukimiya a scathing glare. He ignores it completely, smiling at Isagi. 

“I don’t mind. That is, if you don’t mind.” Isagi is looking at you expectantly. Yukimiya trusts him. And you trust Yukimiya. By some sort of logic, you should reasonably be able to trust Isagi. It’s clear that Kenyu wants you to carpool with him, anyway, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so happy to dump you onto him. 

“Sure. I’m ready to go whenever you are.” 

What would happen if you jumped out of a moving vehicle? 

At best, you’d get your pretty skin all scraped up, meaning your photoshoots would either have to be delayed, or you would have to endure all the clear distaste for your “unprofessionalism” in the workplace from the people who actually had to work to get to where they’re at. At worst, you end up hospitalized. Somehow, it seems easier to photoshop out a few cuts and scrapes than working with someone in a full-body cast.

As you weigh the pros and cons of jumping out of Yoichi Isagi’s vehicle — a sleek, black sedan that’s top of the line, sure, but understated luxury; it’s not flashy like the sports cars you see most athletes sporting — he smoothly reverses out of Yukimiya’s driveway. Isagi does that boyish thing where he ignores his backup camera completely and opts to rest one hand on the back of the passenger headrest, the other hand on the steering wheel. Fuck. Maybe it’s not a boyish thing. Maybe it’s manly. Isagi leans a bit into your space; not enough to bother you, but enough to where you can smell the scent of his cologne. He smells clean and fresh. Maybe it’s not cologne, but laundry detergent and fabric softener. Somehow, you find this very fitting of him. 

He glances out the window to check for traffic and eases you two onto the open road. 

He’s not playing any music, and you’re sure as hell not about to ask for the aux. You look out the window instead, watching the world pass you by through tinted glass. It makes everything around you appear darker. Somehow, you find this to be very fitting for you.

“You live around this area, yeah?” Isagi asks you, and you’re reminded that if you want to go home, you actually have to let the driver know where home is. 

“Yeah, sorry. Keep heading straight, and I’ll let you know when there’s a turn coming up.” Talking to Isagi shouldn’t feel so awkward. After all, you managed to talk (and actually enjoy talking) to all of Yukimiya’s teammates. You even got along well with Kaiser. But it just feels weird — you’ve never met him directly, but you’ve heard so much about him, that it’s hard to not see Rin’s rants every time you look at Isagi. 

So you don’t — look at Isagi, that is. You look at everything else. His car is clean. There are air fresheners in the AC vents. The floor of the passenger seat is oddly clean, like no one ever sits here. If that’s the case, you hope your heels didn’t track in any grass blades or dirt. 

“Um,” Isagi awkwardly clears his throat at a red light. “When I mentioned Rin earlier at the party…” 

“What about it?” Fuck, this is so embarrassing. Since the car is stationary, you’re in the clear, right? If you just unlock the door, you can escape on foot. Your house is now close enough that it’ll just count as today’s exercise. 

“Sorry for bringing him up. I didn’t know—”

“—didn’t know what?” You turn to face him. His jaw is surprisingly sharp, and you watch the way he swallows before he answers you. 

“I didn’t know that you two broke up.” 

No one knows that you two broke up. You’re still in the process of making sense of it all, and because you’re so messed up over it, naturally you had to confide in Yukimiya and Juliette. Neither of them would ever share that secret, though. 

So why the hell does Yoichi Isagi know?

“The light’s green.” You tell him, shifting your body in the seat, avoiding him by positioning yourself even closer to the door. 

Neither of you say anything else during the drive.

[achillean-heartbeat]

Hey friend!!! Can you recommend any good fics for Teen Wolf?

I'm about to start watching it this weekend, and kinda want to supplement it with the fics..

Thank you in advance

HELLO TO YOUUU!!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! i would absolutely fucking LOOVEEE TOOO!!!

First of all, thank you so much for this ask. Can't believe you just gave me a reason to recommend some of my fave teen wolf fics.

second of all, IT'S AWESOME THAT YOU'RE GONNA WATCH IT!!! It is a shitshow of a show (hah) BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOYY!!<<<<33333

third, a little disclaimer, i mostly read sterek (stiles x derek) and thiam (theo x liam), so this list is going to be mostly them. However, i do read any and all ships as long as its fun and i like the tropes of the fic. So when you start watching it and there is a particular ship you liked that is not mentioned in this list i would love to rec u more stuff!!!<<33

fourth, i will also be putting at the end a list of fics i plan to read soon and have not read yet, cuz why not.

fifth and finally, i'm pretty sure i don't have to say this but i just thought i'd give you a heads up just in case: in some of these fics there are certain triggers, certain kinks, so please make sure not to miss any surprise tags, especially 01001in the short fics.

OKAAYYY NOW THAT THAT'S SETTLED HERE WE GOOO!

SOME FICS I HAVE READ AND LOVED:

LONG FICS: (>50k)

THIAM: Airplanes by Captinmintyfresh (236k) what still grows in darkness by eneiryu (137k) To be Led by a Liar GoldFox99 (79k) Tethered by Tonytones(85k)

STEREK: Put Down in Words by paintedrecs (200K) Windows by dr_girlfriend (83k) Foxgloves by formeldehyde (71k) To The End by formeldehyde (181k) Strange Turns That Bring Us Closer demonicfairie2009 (100k) Sex Therapy by Asterekmess (51k)

SHORT FICS: (<50k)

THIAM: i loathe you i love you by tonytones (30k) here in the twilight it's all hearsay by eneiryu (2k) Craving Every Part of Your Raw, Wild Soul by ksbbb (29k) you can say that we are nothing, but you know the truth by pansexual-puppy-pack (1k) i think i left my conscience on your front door step pansexual-puppy-pack (8k)

STEREK: we are tangled by drunktuesdays (5k) Lock All The Doors Behind You by entanglednow (25k) I don't know why, but I guess it has something to do with you by LunasCanisLupus_22 (17k)

Choice by Omni (8k) Last Lovesong of a Dying Lemon by wldnst (10k) Romance In Progress by Asterekmess (32k) here is the deepest secret nobody knows by owlpostagain (22k) How To Be a Normal Person by drunktuesdays (8k) Five Days of Dickings by mklutz (17k) I Wanna Take Down The Walls With You by drunktuesdays (10k) bigger, longer and uncut by drunktuesdays (4k)

BONUS: Theo/Josh/Corey/Tracy/Hayden we ain't ever getting older (6k)

FICS I HAVE NOT READ YET THAT ARE IMPATIENTLY CALLING OUT FOR ME FROM MY ENDLESS OPEN TABS:

LONG FICS: (>50K)

THIAM: "Where no Hope is Left, is Left no Fear" ( No mere Human can Stand in a Fire and not be Consumed) by ksbbb (71K) Take my heart (and put it somewhere safe) by not_carrying_on (172k) Consequences of Our Past by xTarmanderx (70k) All About Control Universe by EquallyLoyalAndLethal (152k) Handle With Care by Attempted Eloquence (190k)

STEREK: Predators by Hedwig221b (74k) Words Cannot Espresso How Much You Bean to Me by isthatbloodonhisshirt (68k) Not So Boring by beerwolves and isthatbloodonhisshirt (69k) yes chef seaweedwater (228k) You're stronger than you know by littleredridinghunter (234k) Getting Better by thebadassisin (205k) A New Perspective by Asterekmess (323k) The Moon's Gonna Follow Me Home by turningterrific (82k) Home by thetypewritergirl (167k)

SHORT FICS: (<50K)

THIAM: I Love You as Certain Dark Things are To Be Loved, in Secret.” by ksbbb (46K) Sweet talkings by captainmintyfresh (28k) i'm not ready to die yet, should i pray? (i'm wasting time, haunted by the ghost of you) by petitommo (6k) when oblivion is calling out your name, you always take it further than i ever can by likelightninginabottle (8k) you're my head, you're my heart Or: The Shameless Thiam 'verse by likelightninginabottle (20k) loving you's a bloodsport by THENINTH09 (21k) a thing with sellable skin by Attempted Eloquence (22k) a shot in the heart (doesn't make it unbreak) (4k) it gets so hard to breathe when i think of you (thinking of me) by wingsoutforshin (5k) Too Afraid to Follow Through by dangerouscoffeetheorist (14k) i know about things i wish I didn't - the not yet a corpse series by yikeshereiam (29k) Absence makes the heart grow fonder by laheysmythes (11k)

get him back! by marymacgf (21k)

STEREK: Together, Apart by justanotherbusyfangirl (14k) Spellbinding Mishap by isthatbloodonhisshirt (45k) Untouchable by Hedwig221b (17k) the feral wind that lit him ablaze by quackquackcey (37k) Which Con at Witch Con? by quackquackcey (10k) Stilinski's Speakeasy by sinna_bon (10k) the way our horizons meet by dumpac (3k) Even Greenberg has a Soulmate by beerwolves and deancebra (22k) red hoodies and bronze daggers (the secrets you keep glow in the dark) by patolemus (19k) Ground Me With Your Touch by asterekmess (7k) Let Me Take My Time With You by asterekmess (6k) Whispered in the Sound of Silence by dr_girlfriend (7k) always the sidekick by mirrorkill (49k)

BONUS: Stiles x Theo: Partners in Crime by snaeken (2k)

Okay i'm done!

oof sorry for the long ass post!

i'm not gonna lie, the story and writing is kinda wonky in some places, but the characters are so loveable it's impossible not to find them endearing in some way or another.

but no matter the outcome, i hope you enjoy it and have a great time!!

i hope you have an amazing day!!

[kaiju-krew]

So I know this is like, a month late (forgot to ask when you posted the pic lol), but what's up with Labra? He got like a backstory, lore, or something like that? I'm curious and wanna know more abt him.

drew him again :3c

UHMMM yes i am lore building for him........ i haven't decided everything yet but i know i want him to be a distant cousin species of goji's. everyone's fangoji lore is different but i def imagine him as a part of my personal monsterverse au rather than existing in his own world with no friends haha loser

putting a cut here so i dont spam people's feeds lmao

likeeee for comparison it's probably similar to Crocodylia encompassing crocodiles, alligators, and gharials?? labra is in a similar niche to zilla for me. goji is the largest/apex species of the gojiran order, whereas zilla & labra are smaller and occupy a different niche. Big bruiser lion vs. carcal or lynx type thing.

my hc is that the vast majority of labra's species (pre-mutation art is what they looked like) was wiped out when ghido got into hollow earth. which is also the same time he wiped out most of the divine moths and a couple other species :''(

it ended with ghido iced but it fucked up the hollow earth ecosystem for a while and led to a lot more radiation leakage since he tore the place up real bad. labra was Almost Dead and ended up hibernating to recover by a radiation vent, but he'd laid down in feldspar vein that kinda grew to cover him and turned to labradorite and idk magic radiation nonsense it fused with him and caused him to grow/mutate.

the ghido massacre also caused battra to hibernate/mutate too so it's a Big Event in my silly au world. most of the kaiju that are clearly a result of mutation fuckery (biollante, kessho too) may be related to it as well but i haven't fully fleshed it out yet. it would mostly be based around goji's hyper-regeneration doing the thing where like.. if a big enough chunk of him gets lobbed off and has access to energy it mutates and tries to regenerate and causes a fucked up clone siblings thing idk omg ok i'm in tangent city good god sorry i was supposed to be talking about my gay son

ANYWAYSSSSSS for more general hc/character stuff: >labra is genuinely terrified of ghido and even gets freaked out when he hears wing beats without warning. (mosu beats rodan's ass bcuz he divebombs labra for fun sometimes) >he lives on monster island and ventures down to hollow earth sometimes, but he won't return to his old home because it just reminds him everyone else of his species is gone. (he isn't even his own species anymore bcuz of the mutation. so they're basically extinct.) >he loves swimming and sometimes just lays in the shallows to absorb sunlight. stretches out like a lazy ass cat. cat boy behaviour >he's loyal to goji and doesn't start shit with humans unless they attack first. even then he does his best to steer clear. >mothra likes his dorsal plates and talks with him sometimes (Moth Therapy) they can bond over ghido hating it's a good time >he has a mutually bitch-bother dynamic with rodan where rodan bothers the shit outta him until he manages to grab that turkey and idk sits on him or something. but if rodan really pisses him off he doesn't mind actually throwing hands because he knows goji won't care if he puts the bird in it's place. >he also likes angy, zilla, and bio a lot too.

there's more but i'll stop there for nowwwww

tldr: big gay lizard is traumatized but doing ok ig

[nicomoon69]

I’ve made up so much Bernard lore in my head so I’m just going to dump it here

so post Louis Grieve in my head Bernard transferred to an all boys boarding school his junior year (someone suggested Brentwood so I’m gonna go w that). his parents sent him there as a bit of a last ditch effort to straighten him out, get up his grades and push him out of his silly habits. this also included them making him buzz off his hair since they deemed his old hair unprofessional.

all of it was a huge blow to Bernard’s already fragile mental health and self esteem so at Brentwood he was kind of a mess. he wasn’t exactly a bad student but the people around him considered him even more of an outsider than he was before at Louis Grieve.

eventually Bernard did find himself with a small group of friends (might further develop them as ocs??) who were much like him outsiders. one of said friends also being the first time he fooled around with a guy, which led to several more though none of it was ever serious.

there was lots of denial at first but by the time his time at Brentwood ended Bernard had accepted himself as queer.

he applied for a few colleges, some outside of Gotham but he ended up settling for GU bc part of his couldnt handle leaving his city behind. he chose a double major because he thought that would make his parents most proud and bc biology and physics were the only subjects he enjoyed.

despite everything seemingly going well for Bernard he felt an emptiness that nothing could fix, that is until he found the Children of Dionysus. despite knowing the risks of joining a cult he did. he was in the cult for roughly eight months before he got kidnapped to get sacrificed.

that was a rough version of what happened in my head. I have some more details that I couldn’t fit smoothly into that word vomit so here’s some more

Bernard came out to his parents his first semester, which they took pretty badly and led him to getting kicked out and having to couch surf for a bit before landing on the apartment he was living in during TD:R.

to keep himself afloat with no support from his parents Bernard worked two jobs, one at a diner around the corner of his apartment and the other at a coffee shop closer to GU.

at Brentwood Bernard did a lot of experimental stuff with his appearance ranging from spiking his hair after it had grown out a bit to getting his ears pierced multiple times. a tongue piercing came along somewhere in his time at the cult and Bernard genuinely doesn’t remember getting it.

during junior and senior year Bernard joined the basketball team. he was surprisingly good considering he had never showed any interest in the sport and wasn’t particularly athletic before then. basketball somehow also led him to training himself in martial arts.

since I do hc the Children of Dionysus to have some more Dionysian practices I think Bernard developed both a distaste for wine and eating raw meat (omophagia).

Bernard has been refusing to get drastic hair cuts after the buzz cut and is unlikely to get one any time soon. he’s been taking kitchen scissors to his hair and freestyling it if he feels it needs more shape.

though he’s been out for a while Bernard hasn’t actually dated anyone long term before Tim. most people he’s been with were flings or were blocked after a few dates.

the way Bernard got into contact with the cult is through one of his high school classmates, who he’d seen talk about the ways that joining it had improved their life and how they were much more enlightened. he due to his circumstances was an easy victim after his initial skepticism

there’s just a lot of permanent scarring due to the cult, but Bernard doesn’t bother covering them up with make up or clothes. at least not post getting rescued.

Bernard actually goes to therapy after the cult and was also diagnosed with autism (let me project a teeny bit). it helped him make more sense of his life and gave him more direction.

his cooking passion came from his early childhood, being dimmed out in middle school and only returning after high school. he mostly enjoys writing his own recipes and experimenting with taste. there was ofc the added challenge of budget, but it was one of the few things that made him happy.

his conspiracy theorist side mostly calmed down until he was thrust back into it when he started dating Tim. this was due to odd behavior from Tim and until Bernard found out he was RR (which really didn’t take that long) he was balls deep on conspiracy blogs and threads. he didn’t really quite after putting the RR pieces together though, bc he enjoyed being able to subtly help Tim with his cases.

due to the two jobs and double major previously mentioned Bernard has a terrible sleeping schedule. he regularly stays up past three only to have a morning shift that starts at seven.

gonna quite rambling for now lol, might edit this post to add more in the morning but I’m sick of typing. sorry if it’s a lot, I just think abt him a lot……. yea..

[bunisher]

frank castle, grief, corruption, choice, and the mess that is the punisher season 2

been having some thoughts, and in my opinion, the worst part about the punisher season 2 is that season 1 ends with this:

“You know as long as I was at war, I didn’t really think about what when it was over. I think that might the hardest part. The silence. The silence when the gunfire ends. How do you live in that? I guess that’s what you try to figure out, huh? That’s what you guys are doin’. You’re working on it. I respect that. I just… um… But when you’re gonna look at yourself, truly look in the mirror, you gotta—yeah, you gotta admit who you are, but not just to yourself, you gotta admit to everybody else. First time in long as I can remember, I don’t have a war to fight. I guess, if I’m gonna be honest, I just… I’m scared.”

….. and then they do absolutely nothing with it in season 2.

no, seriously, they do absolutely nothing with frank castle and his fear of sitting with the fact that he is alone, a widow, a childless father, with a new name and an entire life ahead of him. and i’m going to rant about it.

we leave S1 in group therapy. we pick up across the country, in michigan, in S2. he hooks up with a woman named beth while wearing his wedding ring on a chain next to his heart and getting ridden, playing house with her kid the next morning, and we as an audience are led to believe that frank castle, a man who daredevil rightly clocked a year ago as being unable to grieve, is able to do this with having no little to no difficult feelings. how much time has passed? not even two years. and then, while he is sitting at the bar, he finds another war to fight. as the season progresses he just decides after saying the above that this is who he is and who he has always been. he kills his ex best friend who could’ve helped him prevent everything and ships off the teenage girl he spent an entire season bonding with. he loses his one remaining friend and in the end, we see him tell madani that he’s already busy with his own stuff, and during none of that besides his talk with maria’s headstone does he reflect, despite them being his motivation for everything in S1.

except… he was thinking about after, and how he didn’t know how to have after. he was looking at himself in the mirror and fully admitting his fear to everyone. so what happened? frank was doing everything except trying to sitting in the grief, sit in the shit, and the silence. even him traveling is him doing something to distract himself, an act of avoidance, but it only serves as a plot device so that something else happens to him and he has to react. he’s just in the wrong place at the right time. the role of the punisher is again thrust upon him.

let me explain why i really feel this is due to the inability to write grief and why TPS2’s bad story and writing is a side effect of it. in every “superhero” movie in the mcu, death is simply a motivator for something, and they do it again in punisher season 2 after leaving us with the uncomfortableness that is the reality that vengeance will not solve grief. but instead of sitting with it, we have another death that desensitizes us as the audience once again and is used as a plot device. that’s literally how his and amy’s dynamic is introduced. he just reacts to everything around him, and yeah he could choose to not help, but he doesn’t. and as much as i love some gratuitous violence with punisher, damn would it have been to good to not just having something happening in his vicinity that causes him to react. to instead see the conscious choice of frank actively choosing to use his grief as something to continue his war until that’s all that he is, until it’s not even about his grief anymore.

his family’s death in the comics is framed as a tragedy even that just happens, and frank’s decision is to ignore the process of grieving, not go to the cops, and take matters into his own hands. by the time we meet frank in his first appearance, he isn’t even named. he is only known as punisher. the nmcu changes his origin into something that he has direct ties to, and similar but completely different to the comics, he ultimately, probably, could not have prevented their deaths because he didn’t have power or knowledge. it was him vs not only his former second family of the marines, but also the cia and elected officials such as reyes. yet, frank is the one who feels guilty and responsible, as if he could’ve prevented it, and we see this though his nightmares that people hate. to him, by just existing and his family choosing to love him, he feels he killed them. this is his own issue. he feels guilty for surviving when they did not, and chooses to stay alive in order to seek his revenge. this is the choice that leads him to cross paths with daredevil.

however, the context of the series in punisher season 1 also tries to go against the fact that it is not his fault and say that it actually is his fault, because frank is an unreliable narrator, and despite him being under the impression that what he was doing was completely legal and approved, he was somehow in the wrong and deserved to be punished for what an entire squad of people participated in. he even asked if it was and was lied to. and since he couldn’t have been behind the video because he was who pulled the trigger, the entire season drives into him taking accountability for what he perceives as his fault for his family’s deaths, and then because it wasn’t actually his fault, the government rewards him out of both fear and apology. and then what? we have no clue other than madani quitting and joining the cia with a chip on her shoulder because the report was changed so they could be protected. however, she still chooses to work for this system and uses her power in order to try and recruit frank, which he rejects because he does not want to do the pointing and shooting for someone else under orders like he did in operation cerberus and in war.

this is part of the problem. they don’t go into that and then proceed to refuse to go into grief or talk about who frank is besides that. the fatal flaw i believe mcu makes is that when they go with the idea of corruption, they also then proceed to place the issue onto individual characters. with DD S2&S3, we see that the ones who need to be put in prison are the ones enforcing it and getting away with crimes. schoonover is the blacksmith, reyes tried to kill frank in order to cover up her mistake, fisk uses the law to his advantage by manipulating people and holding leverage, by using his money as power. in TP S1 it is agent orange, who is revealed to be a part of the cia and comes from old money dating back to the first colonies in the usa, and he was funding cerberus with drugs, slipping right under homesec’s nose and when threatened with exposure, attempting to kill everyone to maintain his power. and while this theme of money and corruption is a good one, they fail to acknowledge that other characters like fisk or rawlins exist, and we as an audience have no idea about them simply because they’re not tied to our protagonists. just like reyes or the fbi agents or rawlins are tied to them, they are also characters that existed prior, and there are characters similar to them that exist after with no ties to them, or very loose ones that are still corrupt.

going back further, we see this with roxxon corp in daredevil S1. the old man with cancer who is fighting against the NDA who was being sued by the company because he shared information with his oncologist, and foggy is the one who suggests, “well he broke the contractual agreement.” matt on the other hand states that it isn’t okay, that maybe what the law says isn’t always right, that maybe they’re not fighting for the right side. but again there is this idea that it’s an individual problem instead of a systemic issue, and while they hold up a glaring light to it, ultimately the writers don’t really go into it. matt and foggy leave their old firm and then later matt and elektra fight the hand, killing the leaders, more individual characters.

and they do the same thing in TP, but worse because of how S2 is written as a follow-up. they ignore the corruption and ignore the grief. it would’ve been interesting to see a punisher who chooses to eliminate corruption like what was done to him in his fashion, aka, with a lot of murder. it would’ve been an interesting story for the first episode to show a frank castle who acknowledges his grief, acknowledges the silence, and basically says without saying that he can’t do that, that he’s making the choice to actively seek things out because he can’t handle the silence, because he is terrified of it. this would allow us as an audience get to see the lack of justification to others, that it’s wrong, that he is unleashing a war, but he justifies it because he nothing else to live for, and believes what he is doing is right since nobody else will and he has nothing else to lose. and it is, above all else, his choice to fight a war for innocent people that the law does not help.

we see in daredevil s2 that there are people who he effects (the boy who cries about his dad in the courtroom) and that not only does frank care about the impact he leaves to innocents, he does care about the lives of them as well. we see this TPS2 when he thinks he’s killed children, when he prioritizes saving the teen couple over killing billy at the carousel. these are morals that define what he does and serve as motivation for who his targets are, and they should be important. frank is a character in the comics that only maintains rapport with heroes because he cares about innocent people. he does not kill without reason. that’s how he maintains his status as an antihero. otherwise he wouldn’t be allowed to do what he does, he would be locked away by shield or the avengers or killed.

we see in certain issues that he goes after corrupt cops, politicians, high up enemies that think they’re safe because of money and power. nmcu tries to do this and then ends the series by killing gang members at the end of s2 after a whole story about corruption that couldn’t be solved any other way besides murder that was hidden by the govt. he started off killing the irish gang members and then ended with killing…? yeah. it only to put him back to where he started in s2 of daredevil. that’s right.

in my opinion, it falls flat because the whole thing ignores not only the source material (did y’all know amy is mentally disabled and her dad is a cop in the comics?) but also ignores what they did prior. all in order to lead to an underwhelming ending that could’ve left him in the same place as he was in season 1 if he had chose to keep going with his war. all of this is only part of the reason why the entirety of s2 doesn’t feel the same as s1. and it might be part of the reason frank sometimes hardly even feels like who we meet in that pawn shop in s2 of daredevil at times (ie: many people have pointed out him leaving That Guy in S2 was ooc and them going there was fairly pointless filler). we don’t have any character development or growth, and instead of him choosing to continue his cycle, he is more of a passive character besides his choice to go after people following the inciting incident. things happen and he reacts. he does not have an impact on the city at large or really outside of the people who are tied directly to him, situationally or by others. he does not become the lone wolf that he is foreshadowed to be after leaving micro and his family, he takes in amy for the entirety of the season, accepts curtis’ help despite it being reluctantly, and the only way his downward spiral is viewed is as someone who he has always been. he’s justified in his hunt for billy because it’s personal and frank’s mistake is seen as him leaving him alive, so again there’s this angle of guilt and the inability to grieve, but nothing is done. he unceremoniously kills billy and then everything is wrapped up. amy leaves, curtis leaves, frank is alone, and then he becomes all of the things we are supposed to think of him as off screen just so he can be brought back in DDBA.

so why even end that way in S1? why even have S2? idk. all i know is, i started S2 and stopped. i read up on it and know pretty much everything that happens, but it didn’t interest me then and doesn’t now. i worry a bit for how these topics are going to be written moving forward, and honestly i won’t even get into daredevil’s writing issues with grief, but i expect to see some form of loss in DDBA that’s brushed off either at the very end (like with elektra and father lantom) or at the beginning of the show so that there can be some action. because to prove my point, mcu was originally going to lead the show with foggy being killed off, pretending that karen doesn’t exist, and—what?

so, yeah. frank’s choice? that’s only a title of a song. corruption using money? it only matters in these instances and is not a problem in any other context. the law? the definition of good and moral and works for everyone. justice? will always prevail because everyone is equal under the law despite the amount of times we have seen otherwise. death? oh, it has to mean something and/or be a plot device for the protagonist. grief? doesn’t exist and can’t be shown on screen because it’s too real. i think mcu’s problem with this stuff is glaringly obvious in the storyline of punisher S2 despite the good set up of S1. i think it’s hinted towards in daredevil, not super bad in the defenders, but is pretty obvious if you look at mcu collectively. if you don’t believe me, here’s a video essay on catharsis and grief in regards to nwh that inspired this post. go give it some love if u can. it only has 3k views plus a couple hundred likes, but it is wonderfully made and helped put into words some things i wasn’t able to before.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey I dunno if you’ve gotten this before but. Do you have anything on autism and DID/OSDD? Specifically resources or accounts and such (since I’ve seen the positivity post)

I struggle with emotional dysregulation, big memory issues (huge chunks of childhood and adolescence missing, forgetting things constantly, dissociating emotions from memories, etc,) frequent daydreaming/spacing out/dissociation, that type of thing (and a bit more that’s a little too complicated to explain in an ask lol)

I’ve always kind of figured it was just part of me being autistic (I’m professionally diagnosed and definitely very autistic regardless lol), but I’ve recently gone down a bit of a rabbit hole relating to plurality and now I’m wondering if it could be a symptom of DID/OSDD instead/as well (I was originally looking at something else and stumbled into the tags somehow. The original thing that led me here was foxes. I think. And then I had a bit of a panic as I realized how some of the symptoms were VERY close to some of my experiences. Especially the memories.) but i also can’t tell if it’s just some sort of brain fog(???? Is that the correct term?) / alexithymia / Unknown Autism Trait 3 that nobody ever talks about and is difficult to find any sort of explanation or resources for. And my brain protested and had the equivalent of being on the verge of a sobbing meltdown or mental overload of some sort when I tried to think about stuff relevant to the topic so I don’t think it’s going to be of much help to me right now.

obviously not asking for diagnosis or to self diagnose at all (since. I understand you cant really do either of those /lh /nm) but I’m curious if any of you know of any resources relating to this specific type of stuff? I feel like I’d go insane trying to find any info on it. (And also I don’t think my brain would want to cooperate if I asked it to because it basically shuts down, gives me a headache, and turns to a pathetic wet sobbing cat whenever I try to think about the possibility so I doubt I’ll be identifying as anything anytime soon but. I want some stuff to think over at least.)

hey, we also are autistic and have dissociative identity disorder. unfortunately, there isn’t really too much research on the overlap between autism and complex dissociative disorder diagnoses at this time, that we know of, but we do think that autistic people may have a higher likelihood of dissociating and developing a cdd than neurotypical people.

we really love mike lloyd’s work at the ctad clinic, and he has an insightful video on the intersection of autism and dissociation here:

here is an open access paper by katherine e. reuben and ayden parish on dissociation as a symptom in autism - it’s an interesting read and wasn’t too difficult for us to parse:

also, here are a couple life experience pieces by folks with both did and autism:

our own autism has contributed to our trauma history in how we were treated, formed attachment, and understood the world as a child. for our own system, our autism and our did are inextricably linked. we are certain that many other autistic systems feel the same.

if exploring this possibility for yourself is causing you great distress, it may be for the best to put this off to the side for now until you have reached a point with more stability or a greater support system in your life. please don’t overwhelm or cause yourself harm by looking into this possibility on your own, if it is unhealthy for you.

if you are in therapy or have a mental health professional in your life who you trust, this would be an excellent thing to bring up to them. though hopefully these resources can help you get started learning about this topic if you have the spoons/ability to do so.

we are no medical expert or research professional, but we are happy to talk more about our personal experience of being both autistic and a did system if anyone would be interested. best of luck to you, anon, with figuring this out. we know how confusing and challenging it can be!

[kittytiddycommittee]

I think a major part of my therapy could be summed up as ‘I'm a sub and the only women I'm aroused by and interested in seriously are dommes with mommy vibes who love pegging’ but of course I didn’t really ever express it like this, its so much more complex, the ‘mommy issues’ were significantly difficult I’m still doing therapy now, and created huge challenges, and I never mentioned wanting to be penetrated by a strap specifically but talked more vaguely.

Although I do and have a huge infilled need for a ‘mommy’ without any doubt.

I think my understanding of these issues is why I find the tumblr/femdom community so wonderful, it expresses something that goes deep for me, more than just sexual preference (as I’m sure it does for many).

“We return to the site of our wounds over and over to scratch at them as they itch” I read something like that.

Anyway I won’t hassle you further with all this therapy stuff. I apologize. But would be happy to discuss it more in a dm context if you did feel curious about specific details.

But I doubt that and it’s ok if not - no pressure at all. Hope it’s helpful to have heard a little bit of my experiences. I’ll now return to fantasizing 🩶

Not hassling at all. I find human psychology fascinating. To paraphrase my beloved Natalie Wynn, kink is just a longer, more winding path some people need to reach a particular mental/emotional place. I think femdom shines a light on a lot of the ways that people--men in particular--suffer under mainstream standards and expectations of masculinity. The desire to be vulnerable, to be cared for, to be led rather than to lead, for emotions to be met with tenderness rather than derision; all themes I see expressed on femdomblr from GFD to the most degrading, hardcore end of the spectrum.

It's honestly heartwarming to see men (and masc/AMAB NB's, cause they deal with that bullshit too) coming together to form a supportive little community here.

[anghraine]

On a less cheerful note, I was thinking with some frustration that I've reached 2024 and somehow I'm still not okay, even though there are so many good things about my life and so many people in it to help me, why am I like this-

And then I was remembering a conversation I had earlier with another early modernist about how her conservative Southern Baptist upbringing led her to feminism and academia, and how I didn't say "I get it" because I didn't want to make it about my Mormon-raised-with-some-Catholic-influence personal issues when I've had basically nothing to do with Southern Baptist anything.

And then I was thinking about discovering lesbians were a real thing via visiting a church bookstore at around... age 12 and seeing pamphlets for conversion therapy. I don't remember clearly what they said, just that they were from Evergreen whatsit and I was scared for years after.

And gradually, I figured out the weird way that people talked about my bio dad's sister was because she's also a lesbian, but her conservative Catholic family found it easier to pretend not to know. This led to a weird conversation a few years ago with my grandmother (bio dad's mother) where she was asking why I never have any men in my life. I mumbled something about just not really being interested, and she was like ... oh, you're like your aunt :)

me: Um—well—yes.

my grandmother: Just so devoted to your career :) There was this wonderful man I thought she really loved, but she just didn't have space in her life for marriage.

me: *blink*

And I was also thinking about, basically, a million other things from growing up in rural US towns when I did. At the time, much of it felt too individually small to justifiably get worked up about, but much of it still rattles around my mind. Some things were bigger than I even realized, in fairness—say, the Evergreen pamphlets represented something much bigger and worse than I really comprehended at that age. I was pretty much on my way out by the time I fully got it (and Evergreen is more or less gone now, I think—while I'm still here and still queer, hah). Some of the gender shit + homophobia of that time seems almost comically trivial in this era of senators ranting about the corrupting filth of LGBT+ people, or alternately it's so dated that even said senators wouldn't bother.

Anyway, it's kind of wild how I just ... don't think about a lot of this a lot of the time, and actively wonder how certain things got so fucked up in my head even though my life has been easy in many ways. And then I'll have this early modern British lit/feminism conversation and not think about it much at the time (we ended up having a perfectly nice conversation about the Pacific Northwest and the deficiencies of Shakespeare scholarship) and have a mostly good day and then somehow end up staring blankly at the wall at quarter to midnight thinking about how scared I was as a teenager.

I do not like being angry tbh. I'm irritable, sure, but rarely actually angry because I find it so unpleasant, even in the fairly slow and cold way that I generally get angry.

But I've been trying to organize my thoughts and I think I might be angry about this. I was more familiar with "gay" as a slur than as a descriptor into my 20s because, see, the church preferred to talk about people struggling with same-sex or same-gender attraction as part of these earthly trials, not gay people. Describing people as gay might be too validating or something, at least then.

And part of the reason this stuff can be so difficult to navigate in the present is that very "at least then." Because things could get far better than has ever actually happened, and it wouldn't make anything better for who I was at 15. I'm the one carrying that around. Not uniquely, since tons of us came out of that environment and others of similar kinds, but—

Okay, ethically, I believe that people always have the choice to simply do better than they did in the past and this should be encouraged. But that doesn't un-do anything for me.

It's fine and good to say, look, certain things are much better than they were in 2000 (or whenever). And that's true, some things are, and I'm not at all sorry about that. But sometimes it seems like those of us who are still around are supposed to just forget the things that shaped us when we were reaching adulthood, like it doesn't matter any more because that was another time and we're in our 30s or older. Like we shouldn't still be affected by our own pasts, even when the main actors are still around and completely unrepentant, or were hateful until the day they died.

I am angry about it, in my way, I suppose.

[milogreer]

i would like to go to bat for cutie real quick, not to excuse anything they did because it was consistently fucked up, but because i love them and how imperfect they are. geordi was so correct for pushing them towards therapy because they seriously needed to work their shit out. having their powers manifest in (presumably) their teens really fucked them up to the point that telepathy is a compulsion. you can feel it in 'asks for your trust' at the end when there's that long pause between geordi saying goodnight and cutie listening in - like they were wrestling with that decision before ultimately making the wrong choice because they just had to know. and hell, even geordi says multiple times that this is a deep-seated issue.

"Not knowing hurts you, because you've gotten used to knowing."

"[T]he thought of not knowing what someone thinks all the time pushes you to this place where you just—"

"I know you’re hurting, I know you’re not trying to hurt me, I know this doesn’t come out of nowhere. I see how much you struggle with this[.]"

"I know you’re not comfortable at the thought of opening up about any of this stuff, you barely even talk to me about it[.]"

"Because what was coming out was coming from somewhere within, and I know you had a lot of hurt[.]"

like, it's a compulsion. sometimes thoughtless, sometimes all-consuming. it's not just something they're doing for the fun of it. they're in unfamiliar waters and something (likely their unempowered childhood around empowered family) led to them being so weird about having to know everything. personally i also think they've developed a habit of molding themself to fit the expectations and wants of whoever they're with and not being able to track that all the time with geordi makes them act out, but i digress. i couldn't even finish this audio because i had to get up and walk it off and now i've forgotten my original point. sorry for rambling about cutie again i just have a lot of feelings and thoughts about them that i don't know how to put into words

[salon-maiden-anabel]

the more i think about your mom lucy hc, the more i really adore it. if you don't mind me asking questions about it, what's her general dynamic with kieran & carmine? is she a single mom? how does dahlia fit into the picture?

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO REPLY TO MY BRAINS BEEN. TRYING . the thoughts are disconnected but by god there are thoughts everything below the readmore

But! Hi hello welcome to Oh lord this family needs therapy and counselling . ! Honestly I have been going into everything with the idea of her being a single mom w/ them! It;s very much a situation of like.... Parent that works away from home constantly, so the relationship is just unfortunately naturally more strained kinda thing .

With all this i go with like.... The idea that they were very much born in Hoenn and lived there with Lucy until Carmine was approximately 9 or so, and Kieran was 7 [I do like to imagine they're 16 and 14 respectively as of the dlcs]. Work being so remote and stuff plus worrying about their education and all just led to living with their grandparents in Kitakami being the best decision for their development as yknow, People. I like to imagine Lucy visits periodically throughout the year and such to check in :> just takes a bit of coordinating. Also shes absolutely the reason they're able to go to blueberry for highschool via both making sure they Can go there financially and putting a word in to a battle focused school of them being kids of a facility head :p even if realistically Lucy isnt the strongest head by any means lol . it's kinda like if an E4 member put a good word in situation. And we can see with Lacey and Drayton both going there... gestures. I wouldnt be surprised if more children of different league figures go to it or schools LIKE it. But thats besides the point Lucy absolutely like, struggles with her emotions and such. Even from the small bits of dialogue we have from her? Maybe its just my autistic ass reading too much into it LMAO but . gestures .

i feel like if this werent a kids game she'd just tell you to fuck off to your face here

sorry just more quick looking too much into dialogue but. cmon. CMON. ...She's . definitely influenced how carmine and kieran act at least somewhat .

Carmine might be the easiest to point a finger to as being like her mom but i genuinely think that it;s actually Kieran who ended up the most Like her, yknow it;s incredibly obvious to point a finger at Kieran during indigo disk and how he talks as being her fault a little bit :p anyways thats just me vaguely mumbling abt that. AS FOR. DYNAMICS. Kieran isnt as close to his mom as Carmine is just due to everything with living with their grandparents. Theres also absolutely like.... Very much a gap because he stopped seeing her as much when he was younger, while Carmine was only a year off of being like. Legally start being a pokemon trainer age. And its just Awkward, relation wise, just because of how little she actually sees them through the years, especially when the discussion would slowly shift to more "How are your studies?" "How are you doing in school?" "How is your pokemon training going?" once they start going to blueberry. Which i don't think was ment to come off as uncaring for them and only focusing on training as it did from Lucy's end, but I dont really think she knew what else to ask and all, because she stopped being able to really pick up on their interests as much as they got older. Plus thats just kinda How she talks... With the importance on strength and luck n all that. Then with all this I imagine she like. Probably only called once maybe twice between the dlc plots n all? And once again with just mainly the training questions it was just a sour spot. I wouldn't doubt Kieran would also struggle with not wanting to be in a shadow/the nepo baby accusations /j that I fully think if Drayton knows about he'd tease him and Carmine about. So like. All that with the instilled importance of ones strength :sob: Lucy you were not helping the Kieran situation. Hell I don't really think she would of even known about anything going down between Kitakami to Blueberry with Kieran just because neither of them wanted to tell her at all? Because again just that Awkward connection between them, just the permanent fog on all communication that feels like someone said something wrong at all times and it got too awkward to finish. IDK I think im waffling on I don't know how to formulate my thoughts the best LMFAO BUT I THINK... DYNAMICS WOULD CHANGE POST-MOCHI MAYHEM ESP. Bc i KNOW she'd find out after carmine and kieran nearly fucking DIE in the underdepths and everything hits her in the back of her head at once that she needs to repair what she can w/ them because she almost lost them. Probably means taking an extended leave from working at the Pike so she doesn't have to worry about scheduling to see them in person for only a short period of time. Especially if the times line up for them having any extended break from school . It's never going to be perfect, far from it, with their dynamics and all but. gestures. Briar needs to sleep with one eye open for a bit at least. in short

AS FOR. DAHLIA im in turbo hell because I can not see? the siblings ending up like they did if she was also around? Shes such a force of positivity as a person im just. blinks a bit. Im in hell bc i adore the ship as my big rarepair ill die on a hill for but nobody expected the kitakami siblings especially not me so . i think if they ever do get together it'd be somewhere nearer to scarvio era which just. yeah. see image below

[gavin-reed-is-gay]

Ok, I’ve had this dbh crack ship in my head for ages and I know that most likely no one has even thought of it but I still wanted to share it.

So you know how Leo is in rehab for his Red Ice addiction? Well, he attends therapy during that time and his therapist is an android. A KL900.

While Leo is trying to better himself, he’s still not the biggest fan of androids but it is part of his rehabilitation so he goes along with it.

During their therapy sessions, he tells the KL900 stuff that he has never told anyone, not even his own mother.

He talks about his conception, he talks about his father and he talks about Markus and his moments that led to him being here in the first place.

The entire time, he is never judged, he is never looked down on, he is never looked at like a burden or a mistake.

Leo ends up falling for the KL900 and during her time getting to know Leo, so does she.

[chthonic-cassandra]

no pressure to answer, of course, but has there ever been a point in your life where therapy did not seem to be helping? what did you do at that time?

I appreciate the gentleness of this question, and the out that you gave me; I've taken some time to consider whether I do want to answer and decided that I do, though with some tenuousness.

One of the reasons this is a difficult question to approach is because, as I've alluded here in the past, my own long-term therapy ended a little over two years ago under very much not ideal circumstances; there are parts of how that unfolded then and subsequently which I still am very deeply hurt by, and will likely still be grieving for a long time.

When I was in therapy (of my own choice; I am excluding for the purposes of this question my experiences of being brought to therapy not by my choosing as a child, as that's a very different dynamic and not what I think you're asking about here), I don't think there was ever a time when I felt therapy to straight up not be helping at all, but there were certainly a lot of times where something felt stuck in the therapy, or when there were certain things I was struggling with that did not seem to be shifting.

When that happened, I typically tried to do the thing that one is supposed to do and which I certainly would recommend others do if it's safe to do so, which is raise those concerns directly with my therapist. Sometimes this helped, though direct processing of our therapeutic relationship was never something that my therapist was very active in with me, despite efforts on both our parts (which was a big part of why everything went so wrong surrounding our ending, but that's another story).

Sometimes what helped was reflecting within myself on something that I was holding back or not bringing to that space, and making the choice to push myself on it and take the risk; doing this led to me being able to talk in therapy about some things that I never expected to talk about there (such as my religious faith, and some of my nonconsensus reality experiences); that ended up being hugely important for me, and pivotal for me ability to talk about those experiences in other parts of my life later.

Other times, the thing that wasn't working never was fully resolved, and I had to do the work on that part of my experience somewhere else; for whatever reason, the therapeutic relationship couldn't hold it, or couldn't directly affect it. I have a lot of thoughts about what this happened with and why which are very specific to my particular relationship with my particular therapist. But I ended up finding other ways and places to address those things.

Eating disorder recovery (a piece about which, by the way, I have never be able to figure out the reason why it couldn't fit into my therapy, but anyway) I've done with a combination of a lot of online resources and very active support from my partner. Addressing sexuality stuff (an area still very much in process for me) has happened through writing + playing with and reflecting on nightmare/fantasy edges + again, very active support from my partner + reading (Lynda Hart did exponentially more to lessen my shame and self hatred around sexuality than therapy ever did).

Sometimes I could do a piece of the work in therapy, but other parts have had to come together with it. For example it's not that I didn't focus on traumatic bonding stuff in therapy; I talked about it all the fucking time. And there were important things that happened around that there which might not have happened anywhere else. But there were also dynamics in the relationship with my therapist which developed over many years and came from both her and I that held us back, and that I couldn't recognize fully until I was out of it.

I don't know if any of this feels relevant or illuminating to you. More generally, I will say that I do think it's possible for a course of therapeutic work to shift in a different direction if you decide you want it to; I also think it's okay for there to be some pieces that can't be done with a particular therapist, or in therapy at all. I am not in therapy now, and I don't know if or when I ever will be again, for many reasons. That doesn't mean that I've stopped actively working on my healing. I do that in a lot of ways: by talking through things with my partner; by processing the parts of my own experience that my work brings up with my clinical supervisor; by writing stories about vampires and concubines; by doing crazy bootleg parts work on myself that resembles nothing that I actually did while I was in therapy myself; in dozens of other ways. I don't think, even when therapy is at its best (and I do believe that therapy at its best can be pretty damned good, or I wouldn't do the job I do), that it's ever enough for any of us; we always need other things too.

[awoooooooooooooooo]

Basically had a 2-3 day long emotional meltdown because ermm mistakes were made feelings were hurt while navigating a new scary situation with my wife and her new girlfriend 😭 long post talking about that under the read more

We've been poly for 5 out of 7 years of our relationship but this situation hadn't come up yet. Bc my wife has barely dated at all this whole time tbh lol.

But we both stupidly assumed that it would be fine, like we didn't really sit down and talk about feelings or expectations or boundaries before this situation (her gf coming to stay the night at my home while I'm there), bc we're like, we've been poly for a long time, we talked about this stuff years ago. Ive been having casual sex a lot and whatever. So it's all good, like we're all good. Ssssoooooo wrong could not be more wrong. So so so dumb of both of us. Dumb of me to ignore my own feelings and needs, and dumb of my wife to not check in with me about that stuff, and other mistakes she made during this that caused pain for me... (That I forgive her for)

The worst part was how bad it hurt, seeing them together and being affectionate. Like doubled over, clutching my chest, heaving sobbing uncontrollably kind of hurting. The feelings it brought up were so intense and scary. I started to worry that I'm not actually polyamorous, bc it hurt so bad and I was so scared it was never going to stop. But we talked a lot, and I spilled so so much vulnerable shit, stuff that I didn't even realize I was still struggling with, stuff that I was avoiding dealing with or even thinking about. I connected my feelings to traumatic memories with my parents, my past relationships, my old friends, and it started to make sense... It hurt so bad because it felt like all my worst fears were coming true, and all the negative beliefs I held about myself that I was working on in therapy were actually all true, and my wife is going to leave me when she realizes she can do better, and that I'm actually bad and unlovable and broken and just not good enough. WHEW!!!!!!! That's a lot of shit to deal with, hitting me all at once, and because of the circumstances I couldn't talk to my wife about how I was feeling for like... 12 hours. (Although I could have, but I was so scared of intruding on her time with her girlfriend, which actually wouldn't have been a problem, but yet another thing we should have thought to discuss beforehand lol) I think it makes perfect sense why I felt the way I did. I think that my wife and I both made dumb mistakes that led to that hurt and it could have been avoided or mitigated. But in the end the hurting was mostly all about me, and my insecurities and trauma, and a little bit of mistakes my wife made that she recognized and apologized for, and as I work thru that, the feeling of dread about my wife loving someone else is starting to go away. Because I love her very much, and I know she loves me very much, I trust her completely when she tells me that she's committed to me for the rest of our lives. And I know how it feels to love her so so much, and also love another person, and how my feelings for her and other people I care for are totally separate and I never compare her to others or anything like that.

But god I really truly was not prepared for how that felt and how much it hurt. For days. Like I haven't felt like that since my cat died. I think I really was going thru the stages of grief, grieving the loss of having my wife completely to myself, grieving for my younger selves who were hurt so so badly that it still hurts today and I haven't really been there for those parts of me. Clearly. The good thing is that now that I've spilled my heart out to my wife and talked through this stuff and identified where the hurt is coming from, I can go to my therapist and be like. Hey. This dug up a lot of shit that clearly I have been avoiding working on. And she will help me work through it. And then I'll be even healthier, stronger emotionally, and happier. And my wife will be happier too, having her new girlfriend and me both loving her and supporting her, and me working on this stuff can only be good for our relationship..

It was all really scary and painful but now that the pain is subsiding I can see how it's going to be good for us. And I love being polyamorous! Before this happened I genuinely was so happy for my wife! And her gf, because I know my wife is so wonderful and loving and I know she makes her gf really happy like she does for me. It made me think of all the people I see saying that polyamory is like .. fucked up, it can't work in the long run, it's not natural, etc... and I thought about how those people may have felt similar to how I was feeling, that horrible painful feeling of betrayal and fear of losing someone you love. But my trust and love for my wife is so strong, idk... I think so many people are terrified of facing those huge scary feelings and finding that the root of it all is their own insecurities and trauma and stuff. It's easy to be like, you hurt me, I'm blaming you and I won't do this anymore to avoid that hurt feeling again. It's really really hard to look inside yourself and be like, am I actually just not wired for this, or do I just have a lot of shit I need to work through. I definitely believe I'm wired for this... AND I have a LOT of shit that I was avoiding that needs to be dealt with now.

I asked my therapist to meet me sooner and she got me rescheduled asap, she's so awesome and such a great therapist. I'm feeling a lot better now and looking forward to working through all of this. And I just love my wife so so so much. Idk I just typed this all up to kinda sort thru my shit before my appointment LOL and idk maybe if I have other poly followers that can relate it might be helpful or if anyone has kind words or advice I would really appreciate it 🖤 if anyone reads this whole thing lmao