#this question is mainly towards bi women who are comfortable in their sexuality

[captnjacksparrow]

Okay so I know I’m far off my rocker with what I’m about to say but I have to say it otherwise I’ll forget or keep thinking about it like crazy.

It’s probably just me but I can’t help but feel like SNS aren’t straight. I can’t help but feel like Naruto could possibly be bi with women preference or don’t realize it. I can’t help but feel like Sasuke might be gay or bi. I don’t want to state it as a fact because we don’t know their sexualities canon wise plus I want to respect the author’s creation however I can’t see those two as straight, especially Sasuke. I understand that Sasuke puts his goals before romance and that may be the case for this. I know he wants to defeat his brother and restore his clan, thats his top priority in life. People say he doesn’t know how to express his emotions, yet I see it fine with Naruto. He seems to trust Naruto more than anything and wants to be with Naruto. He turns down girls, mainly Sakura when it comes to affection or flirtatiousness. Now it could be just that those girls see him as a trophy and Sakura doesn’t understand him or respect him, however even after Boruto when he “marries” Sakura, it seems he’s depressed and regrets the relationship. He visits Naruto’s family more than his own and I find it depressing and interesting because it shows he chooses Naruto over his own “wife”. Even with Karin, he cares about her as a comrade or friend yet I don’t feel romantic attraction on his side. Yet I feel a bit of that with him and Naruto. There was a rumor that the author or creator of Naruto that between Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura isn’t a love triangle but rather a circle like a fish biting its own tail. So Naruto —> Sakura —> Sasuke and Sasuke —> Naruto. Anyways, i know this show isn’t about their sexuality and I shouldn’t focus on that but I couldn’t help but notice something or rather feel it. Also, your post on SNS Sasukes pov, I remember you mentioning Sasuke being comfortable enough to show his vulnerability with Naruto and that had me thinking... is this Sasuke accepting his love for Naruto? Is this Sasuke allowing Naruto to open him and save him. It seems Naruto was the first and only person that made his way to his heart, even expanding it just a little.

That’s just me but I would love to hear what you have to say and correct me if I’m wrong. What do you think?

Nice ask @larrycherry04 😍😍

There was a rumor that the author or creator of Naruto that between Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura isn’t a love triangle but rather a circle like a fish biting its own tail. So Naruto —> Sakura —> Sasuke and Sasuke —> Naruto.

Again larry, there is no official proof for this interview. And if it is so, I don’t really believe any of his interviews, tbh. 

These are the two different official interviews from Shounen Jump at different point of time with Kishimoto and two contradicting answers. 

So, when it comes to drawing Manga, Kishi was very truthful. But when it comes to interviews, he started to contradict his own answers. Which makes him a liar, in my opinion and I don’t blame him.

So, In short, Read the manga or Watch the Anime and see how you feel about it and come to a conclusion rather that believing his interviews.

But to answer whether it’s a love circle??? Nope. 

Sakura, like I said before, she is a pairing fodder for Sasuke, most of the time and for Naruto, a little bit. 

If it is a love circle, like, if Naruto truly loved Sakura, he never should’ve let Sasuke off the hook, for all the tantrums/outbursts he has shown towards Sakura not once or twice but multiple times.

Imagine you are Naruto, you love Sakura so much and values her a lot above everyone.

What would you do in the following scene?

I seriously can’t stop laughing here. Here, a boy, your supposed rival, is mildly insulting your most valued person’s tears. What will you do?

You will speak on her behalf, Of course. Just like Naruto did.

But the moment your rival says something to you, you forget everything about Sakura and starts to think about your rival. Wellllll ... So weird!!!!! Which begs the question ‘Do you really love her in the first place???’.

In this scene, the moment he heard those words from Sasuke, Sakura was out of the picture. Important point to note, Naruto still had a crush on Sakura until this point. 

Moment 1

Sakura: I am going to stab Sasuke-Kun

Sasuke : Am gonna kill you too

**Naruto heroically saves her**

Naruto: Sasuke, Sakura was a member of Team 7.

Sasuke: I don’t give a fuck

Naruto: Anyways, I heard the truth about Itachi and what you’ve been doing so far, is understandable, (including trying to kill Sakura)

Sakura: **surprised pikachu face**

Moment 2

Sakura: I love you, Sasuke-Kun

Sasuke: Annoying!! I am gonna put her in a murdering Genjutsu

Naruto: Sasuke, you shouldn’t have put her in such a strong Genjutsu

Sasuke: If I didn’t , she will come in our way

Naruto: Ummm, that’s true. Let’s go fight!!!

This is the pattern of Team 7 dynamics even until the very end. And I don’t see a love circle at all. 

To put it bluntly,

These words from Naruto is an admonition to Sakura, that is, ‘Whatever happens between us, do not meddle!!’

Sakura is just a third wheel to elevate the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke. Naruto likes her but not more than Sasuke. Naruto will die for Sasuke but not for Sakura. Sasuke will put his life on the line for Naruto but not for Sakura. 

He turns down girls, mainly Sakura when it comes to affection or flirtatiousness. Now it could be just that those girls see him as a trophy and Sakura doesn’t understand him or respect him, however even after Boruto when he “marries” Sakura, it seems he’s depressed and regrets the relationship. He visits Naruto’s family more than his own and I find it depressing and interesting because it shows he chooses Naruto over his own “wife”. Even with Karin, he cares about her as a comrade or friend yet I don’t feel romantic attraction on his side.

Sasuke closed all his walls in his heart to let anyone in, after the massacre. And even before that incident, it was never shown that he had any friends or rather he was frustrated with those boys revering him because of the ‘Uchiha’ name he bears. Uchiha is the powerful clan of Konoha and so everyone has high level of expectations. So, there is that. 

Sasuke was thoroughly frustrated at this comment because nobody is seeing him as a boy named ‘Sasuke’ in his Academy. Even his homeroom teacher saw him as 'Itachi's little brother'. He was clearly facing an identity problem during this time, even in his home. Because Fugaku, Sasuke’s father completely ignored Sasuke and was showing his full attention towards his brother Itachi. When it comes to girls, I don’t have to say anything. They treated him like a trophy. Meaning, Everybody was expecting something from him but nobody was trying to befriend him unconditionally or approach him for who he was. 

This was explained nicely by Itachi in Itachi Shinden novel.

I wish this scene were in the Anime series. Such a warm one.

He was turning down all those girls, because like you said, they just see him as a cool boy who can do anything. And Sakura was one among them. 

If Sasuke looked like Rock Lee, would Sakura have flirted with him??? Absolutely not. 

And to play romance, there should be certain effort from Sasuke’s side, like going for dates or whatever shit, which he was never ready for. Most of all, there should be a reason when you start a relationship. Sakura never tried to reach him in a deeper level and tried to understand his sufferings and hence there were no reason. This is the case even after their marriage. Does she know about Uchiha Clan massacre's reason? Or Itachi? If she had known, she should've educated her daughter and stopped wearing that fucking clan crest on their back. And most of all, what could Sasuke talk with her if she doesn't know a single thing about him?? Their relationship was built on Editorial pressure, regrets and shallowness. Of course, If I were Sasuke, I would avoid my family by staying in my office more.

With Karin, their relationship was purely business 'I use you, you use me' kind. He was very clear about that when he formed 'Team Hebi'.

He helped Suigetsu to get Zabuza's sword and in turn Sasuke wants him to help with his goal. Same with Karin & Jugo. But it seems Sasuke respected her a lot in terms of her strength. Karin was similar to Sakura when it comes to flirting but when it comes to work she means business and can offer Sasuke a lot in terms of Chakra replenishment or sensing enemies plan while battling. That's why he treated her better than Sakura but that's all there is to it. It never went anywhere because Karin knows nothing about him. And Sasuke was not interested in forming a bond with any of Team Taka members either.

In other words, to evolve from a friendship to romance, it takes a massive effort from both sides in terms of understanding. Like I said before, Sasuke built a strong wall around his heart and he never let anyone in it as he saw it as a weakness. Sakura barely made a scratch on that wall. Just for becoming a friend takes a big effort to break that wall. How much effort do you think it takes for romance?? Instead of becoming his friend first, Sakura jumped straight into romance, which makes Sasuke uncomfortable most of the times. Hence the depressed reaction you see in Boruto.

Even with Karin, he cares about her as a comrade or friend yet I don’t feel romantic attraction on his side. Yet I feel a bit of that with him and Naruto.

Hmmm, I don't see Sasuke having a romantic attraction with Naruto. Romantic attraction leans towards sexual desire. But, Sasuke has more of a childlike attraction which leans towards purity and innocence, like more of a desire to be near Naruto, will never be bored even if it was for eternity and would like to look after his safety without expecting anything back.

I've seen this quite a few times.

Sasuke is not competing here, otherwise he would have walked ahead Naruto. He just wants to walk along side him.

This is that dream sequence after their fight. Sasuke, just like before, approaches Naruto by himself and listens to him intently. I am pretty sure he could do this for a whole day and still would not leave him.

LOL. Sasuke, at this moment, doesn’t gives two shit about the world. Meaning he is not missing anyone from there. The person he really wants to be with is right next to him. He even convinces Naruto that Kakashi and Sakura will do something and he doesn’t have to worry. However the moment Naruto leaves, he worries and looks around for him. 

This is what I called, an innocent attraction and the desire to be around the person you feel warm and comfortable. 

But every possibility of changing this into romance is already there. Because Naruto broke his wall long back and has a high place in his heart. A strong friendship with an innocent attraction is all there. If someday Kishi comes out and said 'Sasuke loved Naruto', I won't be surprised at all.

Sasuke being comfortable enough to show his vulnerability with Naruto and that had me thinking... is this Sasuke accepting his love for Naruto? Is this Sasuke allowing Naruto to open him and save him. It seems Naruto was the first and only person that made his way to his heart, even expanding it just a little.

I think Sasuke started to like Naruto unknowingly ever since he started to watch him secretly. Because it always makes him feel warm and fuzzy. 

But, the scars left by Itachi made Sasuke feel that having people around will always makes him weak. Meaning, The more people you love and when you lose them, you will feel weak. Hence, he was very hesitant to reach Naruto. Slowly but surely, Naruto was already making his way into Sasuke’s heart. And once they were put in the same team, he just loved Naruto unconditionally. That’s why he almost gave his life for him.

But Once Sasuke decided to leave the village, he severed all the ties with Konoha, including Kakashi and Sakura. The level of bond Sasuke had with them can be cut off by saying ‘Thank you’. But with Naruto, it takes more than that. Because for Sasuke, Naruto’s existence itself is making him weak by bringing back all the feelings he once had for him. Like Orochimaru said, Naruto has certain power to influence Sasuke’s heart. So Sasuke decided to kill him but in the end he simply couldn’t. 

Everytime Sasuke strays off the path, Naruto will always appear and remind him that he is his friend

Every time Naruto appears and talks to him, Sasuke’s heart was changing but he simply doesn’t want that and he hates that feeling. Which was why he wants to destroy Naruto and whatever he represents. What Naruto represents is a powerful bond between Sasuke and Naruto.

In the final fight, he simply couldn’t cut that bond even though he had a chance to kill. These bipolar battles are what he was fighting all along internally. And finally accepts that he lost and was happy for it. Those words, ‘I lost’ meant he lost the fight physically and mentally he had with Naruto and was ready to totally embrace the feelings he already had.  

It’s not Naruto who was expanding Sasuke’s heart a little, Sasuke already gave a wide berth for Naruto and one day decided to close it. In the end, he couldn’t. 

I can’t help but feel like Naruto could possibly be bi with women preference or don’t realize it. I can’t help but feel like Sasuke might be gay or bi. I don’t want to state it as a fact because we don’t know their sexualities canon wise plus I want to respect the author’s creation however I can’t see those two as straight, especially Sasuke.

As for their sexualities, I seriously could not conclude anything. But from the way Naruto behaves, he certainly looks like a closeted bisexual just like Kishimoto. And Kishi was not hold his guns in this aspect at all, he went all out in the Manga chapter 347. 

I mean it was evident from the way he casted Multiple Reverse Harem no jutsu before Kaguya without any reaction but when Konohamaru did the same Jutsu with Sai and Sasuke, he looked visibly disgusted.

Why to react extremely when Konohamaru is doing the same as you? Probably he doesnt like Sasuke in this jutsu I guess. LOL.

When asked about that ‘accidental’ kiss again, he reacts visibly disgusted but at the same time with a Nosebleed. This screams ‘Closet bisexual’ to me.

As for Sasuke, I simply see him as close to Asexual and possibly demisexual for Naruto.

Why Asexual?

Because Kishi purposefully made Sasuke to be in certain awkward scenes and on top of it, he painted an over sexualized aura all over him, in part II of the manga. It was evident from his bare chested costumes and the way characters like Karin behaves around him. In the same chapter 347, Kishi went all out for Sasuke too.

I don’t even know why Kishi made this scene. But it certainly shows Sasuke wasn’t bothered by a naked man at all unlike Naruto who acted disgusted.

I simply cannot see Sasuke will be romantically attracted to someone if they cannot form a strong bond with him. And to form that kind of bond is not an easy task. But even for a demisexual, there will be a preference. and his preference were not any of those girls especially Sakura. So, I can safely say, if he ever wants to be romantic, all the possibilities points towards Naruto. Because of certain obsession he has towards Naruto throughout the War arc.  

Believe me, Obsession comes from two ways. You will be obsessed on someone whom you hate to your bone because of what they did to you. Most possibly, a hard betrayal. Or, You will be obsessed on someone who you love above yourself. 

Itachi falls under the first category (that’s why when Sasuke was told Itachi was good all along, he couldn’t accept the fact that he hated him for wrong reasons and he snapped and went onto a killing spree because of that obsession. Even though he was sane after losing his parents) and Naruto falls in the later.

Like he was basically saying ‘Naruto is my person. Only I can kill him, he is not yours’ to Obito when he was trying to kill Naruto. And where did these obsession comes from provided Naruto never betrayed him in any which ways? Because of all the past he had with him and he was already in love but was trying to deny it.

Anyways at the end of the day, I don’t mind their sexualities at all. What matters is how they prioritizes each other at any given situations without an ounce of regrets. Because, like I always say, their bond transcends way beyond Marriage, Children and Sex. 

Hope my answer helps :-)

[writterings]

Hi I appreciate this is a personal question so if you’re not comfortable answering there is absolutely no pressure to, but how did you know you were a trans guy and not a butch lesbian? Because I’m having a bit of an identity crisis atm and I’m finding it hard to find resources etc to help me. I hope you’re having a pleasant day/evening/night

well first i figured out that i wasn't a lesbian to begin with. i genuinely was attracted to men, but i didn't really acknowledge that aspect of myself because loving women felt more radical to me and, tbh, i was also afraid of men at that point in my life for trauma reasons. also i had been raised catholic and so loving girls when i was a girl was just so liberating to me and felt so good. but i was still attracted to men and getting a crush on a dude helped me first realize i wasn't a lesbian. this is obviously just my experience, of course, and isn't universal.

and of course, there can be GNC/butch bi women - but this next part is what really cinched it to me.

when i had a crush on that guy i mentioned, he actually had assumed i was a trans guy/non-binary but trans masc leaning. and he was gay, so he was only attracted to me if i was a man/man-aligned. we didn't know each other that well so there was so there was a lot of miscommunication on each of our parts about my gender and his sexuality. but him seeing me as a guy and me liking that he was attracted to me as a guy -- well, just opened up a whole new world of gender euphoria. i had never conceptualized myself as a guy before and having someone else view me as such without me telling them explicitly how i wanted to be viewed?? that was gender euphoria to the max. again, not everyone's experience, but that was mine.

after that, i started experimenting more. changed my identity to "nb trans masc bisexual" or smth along those lines. it probably switched per week and i probably even went back to butch lesbian at times just because it felt right. (this guy and i never dated, and i wasn't dating anyone else at the time so i had a bit more freedom in switch my labels without people being like "if you're a lesbian why are you dating a guy??") eventually my mom "accused" me of being a trans guy (she wasn't accepting at first but now is very supportive) and pointed out all the obvious "facts" towards it and i was like "oh fuck i guess i'm a trans guy, huh"

("facts" here being stereotypes and the assumption that just because an AFAB person dresses masculine that they're trans, but that's besides the point)

but even after that, i still struggled with whether i was actually a butch lesbian/bi woman or a trans man. this is mainly because in my relative case, being a butch lesbian would have been easier as my parents at the time would have preferred me being GNC & gay but cis (or nb but not open about it), instead of outright trans. (again this is in my relative case, and is not a statement that reflects everyone's reality nor how systemic oppression works)

right now i'm happy as a trans man and i think this is the label that describes my experiences the best and it's the label i prefer. i'll probably die with this label, though the one for my sexuality often changes.

SO basically i just said all this to kinda give you an idea of how fucky gender can be, especially with the added equation of figuring out your sexuality. as a society, we often associate loving women with being a man, and loving men with being a woman, so we always have to deconstruct these internalized aspects of ourselves whenever figuring something out like this. or, at least, that's how i feel about it as i only realized i was a man when another man i wanted to love recognized me as one, shattering the internalized idea (that i wasn't even aware of) i had that if i loved a man, that it made me a woman. so, basically, if you're struggling then i recommend analyzing your sexuality a bit too and your concepts of how love/sex relates to gender for you.

also, if i'm honest, a good way start to determining your gender is just finding out what label is the easiest for you to exist in. i identified as a butch lesbian for a long time because it was the easiest for me to identify as, and because it felt better than anything i knew before. when i realized i wasn't a butch lesbian, and even after i realized i was a trans guy, i still didn't give people a label if they asked me. it wasn't their business and i was ultimately unsure. it was easier that way to identify unaligned or as another gender, despite how it wasn't reflective of how i actually felt. and that's a valid experience in itself!

but after you are finally to a point in which you don't have to care about "easy" over "happiness" then i recommend trying to discover what gender/label makes you the happiest. being a trans man has been hard and the opposite of easy, especially in the early years when it came to my parents and me acknowledging my gender dysphoria, but it is what makes me the happiest. being a butch lesbian was a great experience for me, and i have a lot of love for that version of myself. however, being a man is a whole other level for me - to the point where every moment ISN'T euphoric. it's just normal, it's just right, it's just who i am. i no longer get excited when being gendered or seen as a man - just because it's normal. the happiness of it is just now a regular part of my life. whereas when i was a a butch lesbian, i was constantly aware of how happy my presentation made me feel - or how unhappy i was still being seen as a woman.

at the end of the day, you don't need a label unless you want one. you're allowed to just exist however you are. you can even use multiple labels, mess with typical ones, or even make stuff up. there's no rules to this shit.

anyways, again, these are all just my experiences and my life. my advice may not be applicable towards you, but i still hope there was something you could glean out of it. good luck on everything!

[seventeenlovesthree]

I never really thought too much about what sexual orientations the Chosen Children in Adventure 01 and 02 could have, but... Now that I did think about it, I realize that I'm actually pretty set on some headcanons (linked to either personal ship preferencies or general observations. I'm always happy to discuss btw!). Spoiler: The epilogue may have implied a lot of heteronormativity, but in my head, none of them really comes off as "simply straight".

Taichi: Bi-demisexual. Someone pointed out to me once that he never really seemed to big on the "wanting to date" side, but once he cares about someone, he cares a whole lot. He obviously has the protagonist bonus in getting along with several characters well and, upon asking different parts of the fandom, people will confirm that his behaviour towards male and female characters alike can be read as romantic - Yamato, Sora, Koushirou, Meiko, you name it. Even if he's much more lowkey in approaching the person in question. I do see him becoming quite passionate once he got together with whomever he fancies. Kizuna at least implied a somewhat canon interest in women, even if that may be seen as a joke or compensation. (Pan/Poly!Taichi is also a fun angle to look at, by the way!)

Yamato: Repressed bisexual. I'm still not over how Adventure/Tri's subtext basically told me he's suppressing all the feelings he had for Taichi in the most frustrating way. And the way he reacts towards Jyou once opening up to him is very telling too. Him being in love with Sora is a given after all.

Koushirou: 100% demisexual, bi-oriented. I'll be honest, prior to Tri, I wouldn't have seen any indication of him being interested in the female gender at all, but his crush on Mimi there obviously proved me wrong. Personally, I see him as a person who needs to have a connection to another person to be able to develop - and even accept - having feelings and the desire to be close to them. And while one can obviously read his relationship with Taichi as purely platonic as well, it ticks off a lot of boxes in my personal "introvert who gets validated and accepted by person X and opens up naturally and genuinely when being with them, so developping feelings shouldn't be too unlikely" box. I'm biased here and you know it. (I mean, it's easy to put him into the asexual category, but he feels so much like someone who'd just bloom once he has opened up to someone.)

Sora: My gut gravitates towards bi/pansexual, although she would suppress that side of herself for a looooong time and would basically force herself to conform to heteronormative expectations and such the same way she'd (somewhat) conform to "typically female" characteristics - I don't want more suffering for Sora, but she needs time to come to terms with herself. The bearer of the Crest of Love loves warmly and intensely (which manifests in her being the one who confessed to Yamato first), but it'll take a while (and probably the help of Mimi) to get to a place where she is 100% comfortable.

Mimi: This may sound surprising, but I do see her somewhere on the ace spectrum, mainly attracted to women. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember her actively swooning over someone else (like Miyako) or showing an effort to confess to someone (like Sora). She's genuine and kind in her affections to others - especially towards Sora, Miyako and Meiko, but also very apparent towards Jyou. But it's mainly just her friendly self - and despite her knowing that Koushirou seems to like her, she still treats him like everyone else, no reservations, still as kind as always. (Spoiler: Stageplay!Mimi confirms that she doesn't have feelings for anyone, but that she's rather interested in learning who Sora likes.) I could definitely see her ending up with one of the girls eventually.

Jyou: Leans very heavily into classic bisexual as well, officially confirmed to have a girlfriend at least (still mad that we never met her ;A;), I still maintain that he at least used to crush on Mimi - and I simply cannot not think that he had also the biggest crush on Yamato... There's no way he didn't like him like that.

Takeru: Despite his flirtatious side in 02 and onwards, I do see him on the ace spectrum, bi-romantic - sometimes I feel like his ladies-man-persona in Tri was just compensation and he wasn't really... Feeling it. He feels very strongly about the people close and dear to him and while I do see him and Hikari more on a deep, deep bromantic level, I'd just say that, once he's letting someone get close, he'd be big on the physical affection side - without getting too sexual at all. (And just like Mimi, I rather see him interested in the relationships of others than his own.)

Hikari: I have a hard time deciding between "asexual, demi-romantic" and "demisexual, bi-oriented (like a true Yagami)". All I can say is, I feel like once someone gets through to her on a personal level, her feelings may get really intense and she may not always know how to deal with it (as seen when she didn't know how to deal with Miyako's intensity towards her at first - I'd even say that she may have been her very first crush. She does feel a connection to Takeru, obviously, but in my eyes, that took a pretty, pretty long time to manifest. I also wouldn't mind them just being platonic life partners.)

Daisuke: Pansexual, absolutely and thoroughly, probably was in a phase similarly to Sora, but once he's accepted it, it's 100% commitment. The crush on Hikari as well as what he has with Ken are easy indicators (and nobody can convince me that he didn't have the biggest crush on Taichi). He's a kind boy and the love he has to give radiates a lot of warmth.

Miyako: Pansexual as well, 100%. There isn't even much to say here, it's pretty much text that she's getting easily attracted to all kinds of people - from Mimi to Michael to Ken - then there's Hikari, Koushirou, probably... She goes where her heart takes her and I'm living for it.

Iori: He is probably the most difficult to pinpoint besides Takeru, because he was just TOO YOUNG and it'd be too easy/boring to just make him asexual, and even if Kizuna didn't give away too much, too me, he just seems so comfortable with not caring about things like dating, etc.

Ken: 200% bi-demisexual, similarly to how it goes down for Hikari. Him getting married to Miyako is a given - and then I'd still maintain that him and Daisuke are pretty much t e x t...

[nomattertheoceans]

I feel like I picked up on most of the racist tropes in Maas’ books but I’d love to hear your thoughts on the homophobia in them

Hi Non!! Thanks for the ask :) 

Just an fyi if people didn’t see it, Anon is referring to my tags on this post about death of the author and the importance of criticizing media without taking into account the creator’s intent.

So yeah, regarding Maas. There’s a lot of ways in which I find her writing homophobic, I’ll divide them in different categories to try and make it clearer because my mind works in twisted ways x)

You should also know that I haven’t read Crescent City past the first few chapters so I can’t talk about this book (what I heard isn’t great regarding this issue but I haven’t read it so I won’t comment on it)

(this got long so I’m gonna use a read more)

worldbuilding

I think her worldbuilding tends to reflect a homophobia that she might not be aware of. Her entire world is built on heteronormative ... norms (lmao sorry I don’t have a better word I haven’t slept in more than 20 hours) that don’t leave any space for queer people to thrive in.

Throne of Glass actually got the less awful bit on this one, we’re shown that Hasar’s girlfriend Renia would become Empress if Hasar was crowned, and Aelin’s uncle was openly gay, so I guess compared to ACOTAR it’s better.

ACOTAR gets the worst of this: The fae society is painfully mysoginistic and by extend, homophobic. Mor is basically sold into marriage at sixteen, to a man, without regards of how she feels about it, because women are considered a breeding stock. The Illyrian women are viewed in the same light. Even Feyre is expected to be making heirs when she’s about to marry Tamlin. Yes, all these examples are painted as bad things in the books, but it doesn’t take away the fact that there are also considered normal within the society we are presented with. When the entire world is built around cishet dynamics (whether good or bad), it shows us that queer relationships are not the norm here, they’re outsiders from their own society (btw considering women as ‘baby makers’ is also transphobic but I’m not gonna open that can of worms).

The mating bond in itself is the biggest heteronormative concept in her books. As Rhys explains it in ACOMAF, it is literally intended for couples to make the strongest babies. It doesn’t care about love between partners, its primary goal is to perpetuate the species. It’s a natural instinct that we’re shown is basically impossible (or at least very difficult) to fight against. We’re shown that the woman has to make the man a meal to “seal the deal”, we’re shown that men become extremely violent towards other men they consider a threat when they’re influenced by the bond (by the way that’s toxic masculinity but it’s not what this post is about).

I believe that Maas didn’t intend for the mating bond to be a possibility between mlm or wlw couples, but that she retconned it in ACOWAR. Which in a sense is good, I’m all for queer soulmates! But the concept she invented here doesn’t have much room for non heteronormative relationships, and it becomes painfully obvious when you try to apply the mating bond logic to wlw/mlm couples. It brings many questions to mind: if it’s intended to make babies, does it mean that the mated mlm couple has one of the men be a trans man? If that’s the case, why didn’t she tell us? Why didn’t she spend more time on telling us their story? If they’re both cis men, then why would they have a mating bond, something specifically designed to help with species continuity by making babies? To me, it’s proof that she didn’t think it through, she thought it was cute to have two men be mates just like our main couple was, and didn’t stop to consider how the mating bond didn’t allow for this to happen organically because it exists in a vaccum of cishet privilege where she didn’t think about the consequences of including it in her books without elaborating on it. 

We can also see that queer people aren’t expected to be the norm in that society. Feyre is genuinely surprised when Mor tells her that she likes women, as if it was this groundbreaking thing she never even considered. I’m not going to get into details as to why I hate Mor’s coming out (I love Mor being a wlw but really, really, hate that scene), but the fact that she hasn’t felt comfortable enough to come out in five centuries is very telling of how unaccepting the fae society is of queer people. So yeah, there’s a queer bar where she hangs out but like... that doesn’t mean it’s accepted. One of the main reasons why queer bars started existing in the first place was to become a safe space for people to be themselves, so you know, I kinda take it as another proof of how unopen-minded the fae society actually is.

lack of queer characters

Overall, we don’t have a lot of confirmed queer characters. Off the top of my head, I can think about (of course I might forget some so that might not be 100% accurate, I haven’t read the books in a long while):

TOG: Hasar and Renia, Aedion, Orlon and Darrow

ACOTAR: Mor, Helion, Thesan, Andromache, Nephelle

Note that I’m not counting unnamed characters. I don’t consider “x’s lover” as a developped enough character to count as representation, come on.

Out of all these characters, only two of them are in the main cast of their respective series (Aedion and Mor). The others go from “mentioned” to “secondary character” at best. I’m not saying that all of her characters have to be queer, but out of such a big cast of mains, one in each series seems very little.

construction of these characters

On top of not having many characters that aren’t cishet, the characters we do have aren’t very well handled by the story.

Hasar is repeatedly described as being ugly, despite most of the other characters being described over and over as breathtakingly beautiful.

Aedion compares bisexuality to forced prostitution.

Helion is basically shown as sleeping around with everybody.

Mor’s sexuality is kept so ambiguous that there’s debate as to whether she’s actually bi, or rather a closeted lesbian.

Renia barely talks, Darrow is a jerk. Orlon, Andromache and Nephelle are figures of the past that we never meet

This is a problem mainly because of how small in numbers the queer characters are. The more diverse cast you create, the easiest it gets to avoid hurtful tropes. I wouldn’t mind Helion being a bi man sleeping around all the time if he wasn’t the only bi man in ACOTAR. Nor would I mind Mor’s tragic backstory if we had other wlw characters. By reducing her cast to such little numbers, she’s creating problems in her writing. She’s telling us that bi men sleep around and never settle down, she’s telling us that sapphic women will only get tragic stories and never find love again.

In the end, the combination of a heteronormative worldbuilding and the lack of work put into the queer characters we are given makes it impossible for me to not consider her books homophobic.

To be clear,

I don’t think Maas does this out of malice. I don’t think she’s a homophobe who hates queer people or anything. I also don’t dislike her books. They’re a fun read, and there’s a reason why ACOMAF is one of only two audiobooks I always have on my phone! Hell, I even write fanfic with her characters. But I think it’s important to be critical of her books, particularly in regards to issues such as racism, mysoginy, or homophobia.

To go back to the original post from yesterday, this is why ‘death of the author’ is an important point here. I’m not saying that Maas intended to be homophobic or that she built her world expressedly to exclude queer people. But in the end, that’s what happened, and we can’t brush off the critics of queer people and people of color just by saying “well, the author didn’t mean it that way.”

I do think that she includes queer representation only as an afterthought in her books, and it shows. Mor’s coming out was poorly handled because she didn’t consider the ramifications of it, just like the mating bond suddenly applying to queer relationships. Her societies are based on cishet white upper class America and that leaves little to no place for queer people (and people of color) to thrive in her stories. From what I see, she doesn’t seem interested in consulting with sensitivity readers over these issues, and as long as she doesn’t swallow her pride and listen to the people that are affected by it, she’s not going to get better on these points.

[insertpoetryhere]

for the spring awakening sexuality/gender headcanon thing, Hanschen 😼

Ok, so I definitely see Hanschen as bisexual with a preference towards men. All two (three of you count Max von Trenk, which of course I do may he Rest In Peace) of his canonical love interests are male, and his attraction to women is only really confirmed through the scene where he jacks it to the post card. It always gives me the same energy as bi people who are attracted to celebrities that are one gender, but actually have a preference towards another gender when it comes to actual relationships (me. I’m talking about me). I also think our homeboy Hanschen is a bit morosexual. Attracted to people who are dumb as shit. It’s heavily implied that Bobby Maler is Robert from the play, who if I’m recalling correctly is only one of three characters to be explicitly mentioned as having a regular place on the dunces stool. The others being Ernst and Moritz. “Poetry, are you implying that Hanschen might have a thing for moritz?” I mean... I’m just pointing out that Moritz kind of is his type... take what you will from that.

As for gender identity, I do think that Hanschen is a cis man. Mainly due to the fact that he seems just fine with being seen as masculine. I think he has a pretty good relationship with his gender identity and so I don’t think he would necessarily get upset if someone called him by the wrong pronouns. He’s also probably comfortable enough that he’s alright with just kind of vibing and not really conforming to any specific gender role. But I do think he questioned it once or twice, rolled it over in his mind, and decided that it wasn’t him. Questioning is an important stage, and I genuinely think out of all of the characters, Hanschen would be the most well-equipped to do it in a healthy way.

[werelesbian]

Contradictions

Seriously questioning my sexuality once again has brought back a flood of memories that make me confused/question myself, especially when it comes to boys. However with women, it’s quite straight forward. I’ve always liked them, even when I tried my hardest to suppress it in order to fit in and be “straight”. With men on the other hand, it’s more confusing. I sometimes genuinely cannot tell if I ever actually liked them now even though for so many years of my life I thought I really did. I will bulletin some here:

1. Crushes on fictional characters-- I often crushed on fictional men growing up and read fanfics and watched videos about them. I know that lesbians often have crushes on male fictional characters because they’re safe. This may be true. However, I also noticed I tended to make female characters that really weren’t representation of myself to ship with them or shipped them with another fictional character, never really myself. Plus I tended to make female characters that were their daughters and tended to focus on more of seeing the male characters in a fatherly light to the daughter characters. I also notice now that I tended to put myself more into the role of the daughter characters who I often made bisexual or lesbian. They also tended to be very similar to the male characters I liked. Maybe I actually wanted to be the male characters instead. It’s also very weird. Now looking at any of the fictional male characters that I thought I liked, I don’t find them attractive at all anymore. My attention has diverted to female characters more now. It’s also funny because I had many crushes on female characters as well and tended to romance female characters more in video games, primarily games like fire emblem or Skyrim. I did like some of the male characters too, but always preferred romancing female characters. The only time I primarily romanced male characters was when I was very closeted and repressed. 

2. Crushes on people growing up--looking back on crushes I had growing up, I realized that I had a lot more crushes on women than men. I can see that growing up, I most likely had a crush on 2 girls in elementary school (one of which carried into middle school), probably 3 in middle school, and 4-5 in my later teen years. I didn’t recognize I had a crush on a girl until I was 14 and didn’t recognize I had many more crushes on girls in elementary and middle school. Before then, I could only recount one crush and it was on a boy in the 7th grade. And with boys, I can only really think of 3 possible crushes, but for the most part I did not care about men. I noticed I focused on trying to crush on men when I made a “goal” with myself to get a boyfriend into order to fit in with my friends. For three years, I put so much time and energy to crush on boys and date them, but for what? I discussed this with my sister and it seemed that I was trying to prove something. Possibly that I was straight and that I was attractive? I only paid to male attention anyways because they were noticing me when I became skinny due to an eating disorder. I honestly didn’t care much beforehand. I also did try to suppress my attraction to women for years and even when I did, I still found women attractive. Now that I realized that I am very much attracted to women, any attraction to men seemed to have plummeted. I don’t really find anything attractive anymore. They honestly just exist. I also notice as well that I’ve been finding myself looking at women more where beforehand I’d only look at men. It’s very confusing. 

3. Relationships-- I mainly have only dated men in the past, but often times I never really felt all that much for them. I often only dated them because they asked me out first and I just went along with it. I never had a crush on any of the men I dated. I dated them out of obligation and when I was very closeted. This was also during the time I made a pact with myself to get a boyfriend in order to lose my virginity. They were nice to me yes, but I never felt as much for them as they did me. I also did have sexual relations with them, but it seemed as if I put on an act. I never really wanted to touch their bodies much and seemed to go with the motions more than anything. I also never really cared to please them and cared more about my pleasure. When it came to doing anything with their penises, I was relieved when they became soft and I preferred when they didn’t have to penetrate me. Towards of the end of my relationship with my last boyfriend, I didn’t want to do as much stuff with his penis and tried to avoid doing certain sex acts with him. I chalked all of this up to anxiety around pregnancy, which I certainly did experience, but now I wonder if it was also because I wasn’t attracted to any of them. When it comes to relationships with women, the girl I did date, I really wanted her and I loved our brief relationship together. When we did things like sexting, it never felt like a chore (unlike my ex bf’s) and it made me feel good. I also felt very comfortable with her. I also really cared about her feelings and wanted to do things for her and get her gifts. A lot of things reminded me of her and she was on my mind a lot. We never had physical sex but I really wanted her. I craved her touch and wanted to touch her sexually. To think beforehand, I thought the idea of having sex with a woman was not good (even though I admitted to myself that I did always want to have sex with a woman). She made me explode with raw lust, unlike any of them men I was with who I played up an act of an oversexual dame with. Even after that relationship with her, I noticed that I still wanted to pursue relationships with woman. I crave a woman’s touch at the end of the day and I love to cuddle with them. When I cuddled my ex bf and laid on me, something didn’t feel right. I felt very awkward. It was easy when we only cuddled in a certain position.

Looking back at all of this, there feels like there is so many contradictions to everything. For the years I was severely closeted, any idea of being with a woman went out of my mind but my attraction to women still showed up. Now that I have acknowledged this attraction to women, any of those thoughts of the men I was with don’t make sense to me anymore. Attraction to men doesn’t feel as right. Maybe I’m going through a bi-cycle right now. Maybe I’m realizing I’m a lesbian. Only time will tell

[the-chaos-clan]

This is mainly addressed towards Denki, but you are so incredibly valid for changing your labels. My journey went straight>maybe lesbian>heteroromantic asexual>am i really romantically attracted to girls or am i just convinced that i'm not queer enough>actually i prefer girls and it was heteronormativity that had me convinced my romantic attractions towards members of the same sex were merely platonic>to comfortably bi/ace. And I went through a long period of questioning my gender, too. (1/2)

My gender questioning phase went "well being a girl isnt great but it's better than the alternative">yep i'm a girl>am i scared of puberty because i'm enby or because i don't like the idea that my body will be sexualized>hang on what are demigenders>i don't like they/them pronouns for me>maybe i'm uncomfortable with the societal roles placed on women rather than the idea of being one>i'm a cis girl who is well informed on genders due to my questioning and has an interest in crossdressing(2/2)

!!! anon how dare you be so sweet!

Everyone’s journeys are so valid, no matter who says otherwise <3

@4ngstyc00kie

-Virgil

[madllamamomma]

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[scriptlgbt]

Question

[submitted by anonymous, format edited for ease of reading and answering, hope that’s cool]

I have this story where my bi protagonist is involved in a “love triangle” between a bi AMAB non-binary individual (let’s call them Max) and a lesbian (let’s call her Kay). The conclusion of Max and Kay liking the same person (the protag, let’s call her Shondra) is a polyam relationship: i want to get rid of the love triangle trope and make it healthy where Shondra doesn’t “have to pick one or the other” or “break one heart, keep the other.” 

Max and Kay grew up together, best friends, and were pretty much the others’ support system involving their gender and sexualities when their parents didn’t offer support. 

Basically I have multiple questions on how to portray a relationship this way properly. 

1. Is it ok to have Kay and Max, a pair who pretty much grew up as best friends, end up in a relationship with the same person, even though Max is an AMAB non-binary person? 

2. Would that make Kay still a lesbian and not, say, bi because she’s in a [mainly platonic] relationship with a non-binary individual? 

I’m worried people could take it the wrong way somehow. Max and Kay love Shondra romantically, but see each other as very close, platonic partners. 

3. Are there any things to avoid? 

4. Another question I have: is it okay to name my non-binary character a typically “gendered” name like Anthony or Margaret, or does their name have to be more gender neutral? 

(I’m a bi girl and I’m still learning, so if I used improper terminology, I apologize! Please inform me.)

Answers

1. Yeah I think this is totally fine! Nonbinary folks often end up with folks with all sorts of orientation identities and birth assignment usually has little to no impact. (Transmisogyny is probably the biggest part of things that affect it.)

2. Again, totally fine! I know nonbinary lesbians, and lesbians who are dating nonbinary people. Some folks have mixed feelings about it and there’s also nonbinary folks who might feel uncomfortable with it. In my experience, that isn’t usually lost on the lesbian folks who are dating the nonbinary person.

Personally I’ve dated 2 (or 3? idk people have fluidity and different label preferences in time) lesbians. If I remember right, when we started dating, all of them actually talked to me about it to see how I felt and for them to explain how their specific identity works, and why. The definitions they personally had (adding in others from others I know but did not date) for lesbian, and how their relationship with it worked was kind of like this

“Calling myself a lesbian is my way to tell men specifically that I am not interested.”

“I identify with the lesbian community and have in the past, but my identity is more complicated”

“the ratio of the people I am attracted to leans heavily toward women for the most part”

“I haven’t encountered enough nonbinary people to know how my orientation incorporates them on a wider scale, but I know I definitely like you specifically”

“gender doesn’t actually play into my sexual orientation all that much, but I’d rather date [these specific people or genders]”

“I have always been assumed to be a lesbian by others and never corrected them or felt the need to before, and never really questioned the technicalities of my identity until recently when I’ve started learning about other identities and relationship types”

But also it seems like Max and Kay are more in a QPP[1] or metamour[2] situation than a relationship based on attraction to one another (unless it’s alterous attraction[3]). In which case, there’s folks in dynamics like this all the time that don’t have seemingly compatible orientations. (It’s definitely a tangent, but if you want to learn more about the history of that kind of thing, you can google “lavender marriage”)

3. I can’t think of anything to suggest you to avoid that is anything unique to this situation. Most of the regular things I would say would be to just make sure that you’ve got a good idea of what healthy relationships look like in general in order to depict that, including and especially polyamorous relationships. I guess I’d suggest to include conversations about what people are comfortable with and how they feel about the dynamic, having check-ins and things like consent (even just for things like hand-holding) and whatnot discussed. Depicting compersion[4] in polyamorous relationships is something I think is also pretty under-repped.

4. Yes this is totally fine! Nonbinary folks have all sorts of names.

- mod nat

footnotes/definitions

[1] QPP = Queer/Quasi Platonic Relationship

[2] Metamour = a person your partner is in a relationship with (as well as you)

[3] Alterous attraction = attraction that is based just on wanting to have a close relationship with someone that isn’t inherently sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual in nature but it can include those things.

[4] Compersion = specifically joy you experience from another person’s joy

[paulisweeabootrash]

First Impression: That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime

I started writing up this review with the intent of shelving it for this year's end-of-year cleanup (yup, I intend to make that a yearly thing), but the more I watched, the more I felt it deserved a longer writeup.  Especially given how popular and well-received it was, because frankly I don't think it lives up to the hype.  So shapeshift into a more comfortable form as we talk about...

...That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime (2018)

Episodes watched: 14.

Platform: Crunchyroll.

The victim of a freak stabbing, a nice but forever-single 37-year-old has his dying thoughts — from wishing he weren’t feeling pain to wishing he could have a shot with many women in his next life — granted as wishes by a mysterious voice.  The voice turns out to be "Great Sage", a sort of... user interface(?) of a fantasy world that functions according to very RPG-like rules.  Generic monsters vs. named human and humanoid heroes, powers that can be acquired and leveled up, that sort of thing.  Those "granted wishes" come in the form of a new body, that of a slime, impervious to many things and able to absorb the abilities of other monsters by engulfing them, which he can apparently use either to literally eat them or to keep them alive “stored” inside him (which sounds... horrifying) — "analyzing" them using the Great Sage and gaining the use of their abilities in either case.  Granted the name Rimuru by Veldora, a godlike dragon he befriends (and then eats in order to carry him around), our slimy protagonist goes out into the world to explore and fix other people's problems.  Monsters, as we soon see in much more detail, typically have no names and minimal organization or skill, and once named, "evolve" into more powerful variants with not only superior strength but also the capacity to use superior magic and technology.  It's an interesting mechanic/premise that really feels like it would be at home in an ancient etiological myth.

It starts off feeling very much like watching a pretty good adaptation of an RPG or maybe point-and-click adventure, as the plot progresses mainly via Rimuru using items and abilities he has incidentally acquired for unrelated reasons to stumble into and complete quests for other characters.  It bounces wildly in tone from fantasy combat to ecchi to adorable wholesome content, and I assume at some point there will be some kind of confrontation with or followup on the human hero who imprisoned Veldora in the first place?  But for the first five episodes, it's mostly "ooh what's this?" followed by a sort of self-imposed quest to create a goblin nation-state from the ground up by naming everyone, taming the dire wolves who are threatening the goblins, and importing technology from the aforementioned named humanoids.  Then it takes an abrupt turn for the serious, laying on us three episodes of backstory about Shizu, a character who I can't really talk about at all without spoilers, but that short arc was engaging and resulted in Rimuru finally being able to take on a humanoid form, which turns out to be a great disguise in future episodes.

Meanwhile, the vague world conquest plans of majin (a term used here to refer to powerful humanoid magic-users) and demon lords having been taking shape in the background, as a vast orc army is steamrolling through every weaker group of monsters it can find.  The next few episodes focus on a group of oni, ahem, ogres (but they’re totally traditional Japanese depictions of oni) who join Rimuru's village after their own is destroyed by the orcs and an underground civilization of lizardpeople who attempt, in a hilariously clumsily and overconfident way, to join forces with Rimuru's followers against the orcs.  The oni are pretty great, especially Rimuru's secretary/bodyguard Shion and scout/diplomat/spy/whatever Souei, as is the unassuming goblin Gobta, who has frequently been the comic relief up to this point but becomes important to the looming conflict.

The lizardpeople/Rimuru-followers alliance is eventually formed and the show tries to make their war against the orcs epic and dramatic, but... here it largely fails.  This arc is full of tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters, as if they expect the audience goes into every episode having forgotten the events of the previous episode and even several recurring characters' names.  Add to this some sudden new abilities getting pulled out of Rimuru's and others' asses, increasingly frequent jarring tone shifts from scene to scene, combat scenes where everyone is stationary and stupid, and cap it all off with a "boss fight" that only gets started after some villainous exposition monologuing worthy of Dragon Ball Z and an exposition dump flashback about the orcs that raises more questions than it answers, and at this point I'm only still watching to find out where the hell it goes from here.  This feels like a bad adaptation of a game now... but maybe a bad adaptation of a good game.  Maybe it would work better, honestly, in RPG format.  It's not like this doesn't have potential as a premise.  But I don't get the hype, because I really don't think it lives up to it.

W/A/S: 4 / 5 / any random number 3–8, depending on episode / !

Weeb: Like I said about Death March, "not weeb so much as geek".  But this is getting a higher weeb score than that because some basic elements (such as, uh, the main character himself) probably come off as really weird if you've never played any of the Dragon Quest (a.k.a. Dragon Warrior) games, which are responsible for the generic low-level slime monster we know today.  Not to mention that this show's versions of orcs, ogres, and demons are more like depictions of those various races in other Japanese media than they are like the Germanic/Anglosphere/Tolkien-influenced fantasy canon.

Ass: Rimuru likes boobs.  He likes to talk about them.  He likes to cuddle up against them.  He checks out everyone.  He's... a sad old virgin.  Expect gag boobs and gratuitous camera angles, but not all the way to anything sexually explicit.

Shit (writing): Again, it really does feel like we're watching Rimuru complete a series of quests or puzzles to advance through the predetermined areas of a game.  Which is probably the point, but that doesn't work quite as well as a storytelling technique when the audience isn't actually figuring out how to complete those quests.  The sudden tone shift for Shizu's three-episode story arc and the weird exposition dumps throughout feel like they're trying to cram a lot of source material into relatively few episodes and it's not going well — which is odd considering that they got a 24-episode season instead of the more typical 13.  And considering that the source material has been going in some form or other for five years prior to the anime (it originated on Shōsetsuka ni Narō, the same self-publishing website responsible for a great deal of the last decade’s epidemic flourishing of isekai, including the above-mentioned Death March and Re:ZERO).

Shit (other): I like the character designs.  And they did a great job in particular making Rimuru expressive despite not... uh... having a face.  But the animation is sometimes embarrassingly bad, especially in action scenes — I swear, there was a fight at like 4fps at one point, the CG orc army is just painful to look at, and the "battles" between the orcs and lizardpeople are mostly just them staring at each other and then occasionally weakly thrusting a spear forward.

Content: Brief surprisingly violent shots, given the often-silly tone of the show.

-----

Stray observations:

- I said Rimuru pulled new abilities out of his ass, but... wait, do slimes have asses?  Can he form a temporary ass, like a comb jelly?

- Rimuru is not only lusting after the various elf and oni women; he is also obviously attracted to Souei, one of the male oni, and this is not played as being surprising or gross or funny in-universe, so, uh... yay bi representation... I guess...

- PS: I continued watching (even though this is frustrating) past the episodes this review covers, and I just want to add that I hate the pegasus knights.  Nobody had the sense to equip them with either ranged weapons or large melee weapons like lances.  They just fly around with swords that wouldn't be able to reach their enemies unless they pull up right alongside them.  This might make sense if they attempted a charge and attacked at point blank, which is the entire point of the distinctive cavalry saber, or maybe they could even dismount to fight on foot, and use the ability to fly for extreme maneuverability getting to a particular point on the battlefield?  Nope.  The closest they come to either of those tactics is to just fly leisurely towards Charybdis's open mouth without even unsheathing their swords in ep. 19.  WTF?  Look, I'm hardly a military expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I think these pegasus knights were dreamed up by someone who has only dimly heard of the concept of cavalry of any kind and hasn't spent more than a few seconds thinking about how you even can use horses in war, let alone bother to look up even a basic overview of how armies actually historically did.

[fairytalesandfandoms]

words

I’ve been having difficulty with a couple of labels - namely, ‘aromantic’ and ‘femme’

[lots of words under the cut]

Aromantic

I’ve never fallen in love with anyone, and it’s debatable whether I’ve ever even had a crush (because it was before I knew about the split attraction model, and I don’t know how I would have categorised my feelings had I been aware of it back then). So one would think that aromantic would be a perfect fit. I’ve been using it as a label for about... a year and a half? But in that time I haven’t felt any easier about calling myself aromantic. It hasn’t felt like an epiphany, or a relief. If I call myself that, it feels like I’m making a mistake, putting a mask on, and I think that’s due to my very different experiences with aromanticism and asexuality. 

When I started identifying as asexual, I related to the narrative of ‘sex-repulsed asexual’ very strongly. While some aces do enjoy sex, the two things - sex repulsion and asexuality - were very much intertwined for me. In contrast, however, I liked romance (or more accurately, the idea of romance). Even when I was annoyed at particular events or stories focusing on romantic relationships, I was more bothered by the implication that I had a less fulfilled life for being single than I was about the actual romance. So I thought I couldn’t be aro, because I didn’t relate to the parallel narrative of 'romance-repulsed aro’. Again, I was aware that aros could enjoy romance, but I thought ‘nah there’s no way I’m aro lol’.

Ever since I identified as ace, I’ve been pretty much continually questioning anything I can think of related to gender and orientation. As I started to categorise my feelings into boxes, it slowly dawned on me that, despite identifying first as heteroromantic then biromantic, I had hardly any instances of feelings which I would describe as romantic, or at least not primarily so. If it happened at all , usually the romantic element would be something like ‘hmm it would probably be nice but I’m not that bothered’, and dating was not enough of a priority in my life for me to actually try to get a significant other. I’ve identified as various things since then - quoiromantic, greyromantic, and straight-up aromantic - mainly because I have such difficulty in working out whether particular instances of attraction are romantic or not. Neither quoiromantic nor greyromantic felt like enough, because I wanted to be either completely alloromantic or completely aromantic. And of course, there was the attraction (lol) of the whole ‘triple A’ thing, and of being the same as bookhobbit, who I find relatable in so many other ways. But even aromantic doesn’t feel completely right. I keep trying to persuade myself that not all aros are romance-repulsed, but to no avail. I think the problem is that it simply doesn’t resonate for me in the same way that asexual does.

So what to do? I could use it because it’s ‘technically’ accurate, and hope I grow into it, as it were. I could go back to identifying as biromantic, quoiromantic, or greyromantic, but are those really any better? I could just leave off romantic orientation altogether. But I owe a huge debt to the split attraction model for introducing me to the possibility of different types of attraction that weren’t sexual, and I don’t want to abandon it. I’m still attached to the bi label (which at the moment I use as bi aroace) but if I drop the ‘aro’ part, people will assume that by ‘bi ace’ I mean biromantic ace (I’ve seen it happen to others so this is not an unfounded concern).

anyway

Femme (or fem, swan, etc)

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I am not butch (/masc/stag/etc) by any stretch of the imagination. While there are some ‘men’s’ clothes which I find aesthetically pleasing, they are far fewer than ‘women’s’ clothes which I find aesthetically pleasing, especially on the high street. (Although, having said that, the high street looks can be downright diabolical at times, so maybe that’s not the best metric, but you get my drift.) I’m not out to most people outside Tumblr, but even if I were, I doubt a lot of things would change significantly. And even those ‘men’s’ clothes which i do like tend to lean towards fancy (read: ‘feminine’) more than what the average bloke might wear.

I’ve posted before about my personal issues with being considered ‘feminine’. But I know that it’s inevitable with the way I currently present. anorthernskyatdawn suggested using ‘femme’ rather than feminine, and that’s stuck in my head ever since, but there’s something about ‘femme’ that feels off. It feels closer to gendered than I would like. Most of the time. 

I’ve noticed that if ‘femme’ is paired with a word with more ‘masculine’ gender connotations - such as ‘tomboy femme’ or ‘femme dandy’ - it doesn’t feel as off, like it’s more balanced out and acknowledging some of the more ‘masculine’ elements that I do enjoy. But then that leads me to the question of: does that still count as femme? And when some of my friends have been harmed by the constant pushing of femininity at AFAB people, do I have a moral responsibility to distance myself from said femininity? Am I trying to take the easy way out, presentation-wise? Am I just trying to avoid acknowledging my privilege by not calling myself femme?

I just feel like I’m ‘obliged’ to use both of these, but I don’t always feel comfortable in them.

[problemsofabooknerd]

My Personal Sexuality Journey

Pride Day 6!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

For the past few days, I have mainly been discussing books on this blog. Which is, hey, the topic of the blog so that makes sense! But today I want to get a bit more personal. I identify as a lesbian, but that has not always been the case, so today we’re going to get into the nitty gritty of my sexuality journey. It’s... long.So, I hope you’re all ready. 

So, to begin with, I am not one of those “well, I’ve just always known” sort of people when it comes to being hella queer. I grew up in a hyper-religious area in Utah, and we were not exposed to a lot of queer content in any variety. My parents were always cool with The Gays, but it wasn’t a topic that was really openly discussed. I think Glee was possibly my first exposure to a visibly queer character, and that show started when I was in high school. So, basically, I didn’t have any inklings I might not be straight until college. But first, let’s go back to high school a bit.

When I was a junior in high school I managed to nab a boyfriend for about a minute and a half. The thing about being attracted to girls when you don’t really know that’s an option is that, at least in my experience, you start to assume attraction must just feel like ah, I would very much like to be friends with that person. This is probably what a crush is. I’m not saying that’s not an authentic way to crush, because I definitely think it is, but when I was young and sure of my heterosexuality, I rationalized that the desire for friendship and hanging out was actually me wanting a relationship. 

I hung out with lots of guys in high school. They were cool, awkward, nerdy guys and I liked being friends with them. I also knew they liked me, so I was willing to go on dates or to dances should one of them ask.Which is how I wound up with my high school boyfriend. He was sweet, we shared a sense of humor, and I loved being around him. Shockingly, it was whenever he wanted to move past friendship activities that I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, that fear or that resistance, but I knew that I couldn’t continue forwards in a relationship. I ended it, frustrated because I felt like I was losing a close friend rather than a romantic partner. It was a ridiculously confusing and frustrating time all around.

After high school, I went on a date with a friend’s cousin. He was what I perceived as my type, awkward and nerdy, and I knew he liked me. We went to his place after dinner and he tried to make out with me while I argued that he was missing important plot points of the first episode of Sherlock. He was shoving his tongue in my mouth and I was upset because they were dropping hints on screen that would be revealed later and oh my god when they break down the mystery at the end you are going to be so confused.

So.... that was one of the gayer situations of my gay life.

In college, I moved out of Utah and across the country to New Jersey where I attended an exceedingly queer liberal arts college. The new friends I was making were - at least I assumed at the time - the first gay people I had ever met. This later turned out to be absurd, as I’m not the only person at my high school who has since come out. But here they all were! Queer, vibrant, and proud. And I was so excited to be a part of a world where you could be who you are, even though I knew I was definitely, absolutely, without question the Straightest™ person I knew. 

Cut to me meeting a girl my second day of orientation. Cut to me suddenly being thrust into a friendship a lot more intense than any other friendship I had been a part of. Cut to the end of Freshman year.

My second year, I became roommates with The Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll stop being all weird and secretive. Most of you know I fell for my roommate, and that her name was Janel. But my college self, who was confused by attraction and by what the intensity of certain feelings towards people meant, had no idea. 

Despite the fact that the people around me were telling me that what I was describing was clearly romantic, I didn’t want to admit to myself they might be onto something. I was even confronted a few times about how I identified at school. Here I was, this girl with short hair who was super close to her roommate. Like, we held hands. It was, um, super gay. It was super, super gay and I wouldn’t talk about it.

 I knew I might want to kiss her. I also knew I didn’t want to be one of Those Girls that makes out with their queer friend and then backs out immediately. 

See, because the thing was, I knew she wasn’t straight. And that added whole other levels to the situation. I knew if I kissed her she wouldn’t mind. And that was a big, open possibility that scared me right to the back of the questioning closet. 

What if I kiss her and I don’t feel anything?

What if she wants to kiss me back and I hurt her?

What does it mean if I want to kiss her?

What if I kiss her and I do feel something?

Am I gay?

Am I bi?

Is it just her?

What if I hurt her what if I hurt her what if i hurt her?

That’s basically the first semester of sophomore year in a nutshell. And then, one night, things reached a tipping point of sorts. We were playing Friends trivia and drinking absolutely foul sweet tea vodka and lemonade. We were beyond drunk, and when she asked how I would feel about her kissing me, I said she should.

When I woke up the next day, I was scared. And I panicked. Because it had definitely meant something, but that meant I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t know how to deal with a self that wasn’t straight. I had no blueprint for that, so I said it didn’t mean anything. And I hurt her.

The thing is, I always take time coming to terms with things. I’m not necessarily scared of change, but I’m scared of becoming someone new. Because I don’t know that person, and I’m intimidated by people I don’t already know. I’m scared of telling others the ways I have changed, and forcing them to relearn me. It feels like a process, changing part of your identity, and that process was too big to conceptualize. So I made bad choices, I ran, and I spent a month and a half of winter break trying to decide who I was.

When I came back to school, I felt like I had a new version of myself I could live with. My personal identity, the words I used, they didn’t matter. What mattered is that I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Thus began the portion of my life where I identified as idk I guess I’m just attracted to pretty people. I think I stole that one from Orange is the New Black, probably because that show is terrified of saying the word B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Shhh, don’t let the showrunners know that it’s real and out there!

After a while, I got into the bi pride side of tumblr. It vibed with me and how I felt about myself. Part of being able to accept my same gender attraction came from Korrasami - two bi girls who fell for each other in Legend of Korra. It came from reading miles of Dean Winchester is bi meta. And finally, after a few months, I was able to accept that label for myself. I had a boyfriend in high school and I thought David Tennant was pretty, which meant of course I still had to fit my relationships with men somewhere into my sexuality. I was bisexual, and I wore that word with pride.

It took a really long time to not identify as bi anymore. I mean, when I semi-came out to my grandmother I was still using the word “bisexual” to describe myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone else that word, anyone but Janel, but it felt like maybe it was a place for me to meet in the middle. To still know myself, but to know myself better. I could be the person I was, but I could also be someone new.

For a while on YouTube I was like ~undercover gay~. Like, in a “everyone knows” way but also in an “I don’t talk about it” way. My family watched my channel, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I adored my girlfriend, but there was still this constant underlying terror that I would hurt everyone around me if I changed again. If I told my family my identity, and it changed, I didn’t know how anyone would be able to deal with it. I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. 

I was also terrified of the word “lesbian”, but like that’s a whole other list of internal shit I don’t want to get in to because this post is long enough as it is. 

When I finally started to use the word “gay”, it felt like a step in the right direction. But it was also a tiptoe. I said it, terrified people would come out of the woodwork asking about my past relationships and interest in men. That they would confront me for thirst posting about popular tumblr dudes on my fandom blog. I whispered the word and it maybe felt right, it maybe felt like a little zing in my chest, but it also felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Maybe a part I wasn’t comfortable with and never had been, but still this definite chunk of who I had been was just no longer a part of how I was identifying myself.

And that’s fucking terrifying. 

Gradually, lesbian became my word. It became a word that encapsulated why I never felt fully comfortable around men. Why I didn’t want relationships with them. It became an affirmation for the fact that I had always had an underlying attraction to women. I felt more confident when I saw Willow Rosenberg, a girl who had a boyfriend in high school, identify confidently as a lesbian in college. Because that was my story and it was ok for that to be my word. It helped me feel more confident in my attraction to women in general, and in that confidence I was able to recognize a difference in how I felt about men.

My sexuality journey was long, and it was difficult. It involved trying things that were scary, and stepping out of a self I knew to find a self I loved so much more. The confidence I found in grasping and being able to explain new parts of my identity made me happier and stronger than I had ever been in my life. Lesbian is my word. I use gay, I use queer. They are all me. But when I walked at Pride this year, it was a lesbian flag I had pinned on. Because it encapsulates me and makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel proud.

Now, real fast at the end here, a couple of notes. Bisexual was a stepping stone word for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a stepping stone sexuality. It was a word I needed to help me figure out who I was, but that does not remotely encapsulate what being bisexual is. I have known girls who used lesbian and then knew that the word bisexual was more theirs. I have seen people who always knew that bisexual was their word. So I am in no way putting my experiencing of identifying as a person with multiple gender attraction on some kind of all-around temporary status. Bisexual peeps, your word is valid and so are you.

Also, my word doesn’t mean I eliminate trans folks. The word lesbian includes trans women, and I’m not here to have an asinine argument with anyone about that. Just putting it out there.

This was a long one, but sexuality is so goddamn difficult and it took years for me to start to learn about myself. And I’m still learning. Maybe I’ll find a new word someday that fits like a glove, and that will be scary but it will also be okay. And if you don’t have your word yet, and maybe you don’t want a word, that’s okay too. The most important thing is finding a way to be happy with yourself, whatever way you choose to package it. It’s about doing research, trying scary things, and maybe feeling like you can find a way to know yourself a little better one day at a time. 

Alright, that’s where I am going to wrap up. Thanks so much for reading about my messy process of self discovery, and feel free to share your own stories too - in a reblog or a message. You are all beautiful and your experience is valuable. I’m just here to share a little bit of mine. 

[girl-traeger]

Listen, fam. I'm coming out.

Look, I've been working on the best way to do this for a while. I had a whole long thing typed up & I kept re-writing it for months. But I think I'm just gonna get to the point. I'm coming out. I identify as pansexual. What is pansexuality, you ask? Well, it basically means that I feel attraction to anyone, regardless of their gender. Cis men & women, trans men & women, agender folks, demigender folks, etc. If you've never heard of pansexuality before, lemme hit you with that Wikipedia link real quick to help you out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality . Pansexuality is pretty adjacent to bisexuality & often gets confused for it. However, the two are slightly different in that bisexuality is attraction to two or more genders & pansexuality is attraction to anyone of any gender. A couple things to note real quick before we continue: 1. Pansexuality doesn't mean that you're attracted to EVERYONE you see. It simply means that your capacity to feel attraction isn't primarily based on gender. 2. If you make any jokes about having sex with pans, you're officially a cornball. I'm just giving you a heads up, is all. Sorry but I don't make the rules. So the thing you might be wondering is how I figured this out. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how I could go 29 years without knowing this about myself. But every time I think back, there is one element of my past that explains why it took so long. Growing up in a predominantly conservative christian home, the idea of being gay or anything close to it was a non-starter. It was a sin & a heavily condemned one, at that. As a result, any time a "gay thought" would pop up in my head, I tried to get it out of there as quick as possible. It became an instant reflex to keep that kind of thought out of my head. But I still would feel guilt for the thought, as well as guilt from "lusting" for women. My teens were a confusion time where I was discouraged from even considering an attraction for another gender while also being told I was TOO attracted to the "right" gender. Not a great situation, emotionally. Unfortunately, I suspect it's not an uncommon occurrence for kids growing up in strict christian homes. That said, I felt more comfortable exploring attraction & affection towards cisgendered women (even if it led to "sin" or whatever ugh) mainly because it was instilled in me by conservative christian culture that being gay was worse in the eyes of both God & the church congregation than sleeping with a woman before marriage. If you did that, the church congregation would murmur about you for a bit & engage in some form of slut-shaming hidden under the guise of "asking god for forgiveness." If you were gay? That was a disease. A sinful disease. You'd be quarantined, or ostracized, from that community unless they had the "grace" to help you get therapy to pray the gay away. So, being a massively horny but perpetually nervous teen, I chose to guiltily explore attraction to cis women & push everything else out. In college, my views on both religion & sexuality became more liberal. I no longer thought of being gay as a sin disease (although Sin Disease is a good name for a metal band, now that I think about it). This trend continued after college & beyond, to the point of total acceptance & support for the LGBTQIA community. Folks were gay (including several friends of mine) & that's cool. But I never thought about it for myself. I never allowed myself to really consider the possibility that I could be attracted to anyone else because I always struck the thought down when it popped up in my head. Even though I was no longer religious, I still carried that reflex I learned as a child years ago. The reflex that conservative Christianity taught & encouraged within me. I guess what I'm saying is that religious suppression is a powerful thing. And that only started to unravel for me late last year. I can't point to one thing that started the unraveling process because it really was a culmination of a bunch of different things (such as talking with some cool queer folks about their experiences & finally allowing myself to let in/process non-heteronormative thoughts). It was in late January where I first admitted out loud to one of my roommates that I was beginning to think that I wasn't actually straight. It was really hard for me to find the words for how I felt. None of the established labels (gay, bi, etc) felt 100 percent accurate for me. She actually helped point me toward the idea of pansexuality, which seemed closer to how I felt (I would later talk to some cool queer folks who helped verify some information about pansexuality, where it fit in the rainbow, etc). And a weird thing happened that night. I felt a weight lift off of me. It happened almost instantly. It was like a weight that I never knew was there. And I started crying. Was this what I was carrying with me for 29 years? Was that reflex to kick the idea of anything queer out of my head keeping this weight on me? Even now, with the large amounts of stress/worry that I feel on a day-to-day basis, I think about all of this & it feels like a bright spot in an otherwise dark world for me. Like, the world is going to shit, but I finally figured out this important truth about myself. Anyway, that's a lot of words up there. And I'm not done! I still need to tell you why I'm saying all of this! But I know this has been a long read, so feel free to run to the bathroom if you need to. It occurred to me that I might not be the only one in this situation. If conservative christian culture was able to burrow that repressive reflex that deep into me (so deep that it lasted years after I left the church), it had to do the same to other folks. Maybe there's someone reading this that hasn't even allowed themselves to consider their sexual identity. Maybe someone's reading that's just starting to ask some questions about their identity. If so, I want to tell you that it's okay to question & explore that side of yourself, even if you don't really have a name for it yet. I certainly didn't know what to call myself at first, other than "not straight". You're 100% not alone in this. I'm out here with you, grasping at bits of truth, filling in the gaps, & trying to find answers but feeling so much more free in the journey than I ever did in the comfort of what I knew. If you are in that situation, there are a lot of good resources to help you fill in the gaps & answer some of those lingering questions. If you have a friend in the LGBTQIA community, don't be afraid to ask them about their own experience. Talking with folks who had an experience coming to grips with their own queerness helped me quite a bit, even when our experiences were different. It's just nice to know you're not some unsolvable mystery & that this this thing (whatever you end up calling it) is a very positive thing. If you live in a big enough city, you probably have an equality center that provides resources, access to affordable counseling, support groups, & social events (where you can meet other folks within the community). If your city doesn't have something like that, there are online resources that can help as well. Here's a link for the GLBT National Help Center, in case you're in that situation: http://glbtnationalhelpcenter.org . Hopefully that ends up being helpful to anyone who needs it. It's 2018 & while there have been massive strides in LGBTQIA rights/visibility, there are still many ways in which members of the community are harmed & discriminated against (spearheaded largely by our current administration). We're not in a time where everyone everywhere can feel 100% safe openly exploring their sexual and/or gender identity. I'm a huge dummy in many respects, but if some of the information in this post helps someone feel less alone or points them in the right direction, then it'll be worth it. I realize that there are folks I know who hold more conservative views. They'll probably read all of this (or like, just the first two paragraphs lol) & decide I'm heading straight to hell. If they're being generous, they'll say that they're "praying for me" & pity me as another lost soul. Which, whatever. I'll be fine. If anything, I feel more free than I ever did repressing such a big part of myself. Plus, these are people who voted for Trump (& if they didn't, they are still largely okay with the gay-hating coward Mike Pence). So we're not gonna see eye-to-eye on this no matter what. 🤷‍♂️ Also they can fuck off. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ I guess that's all I have to say. If you stuck around & read all of this, I appreciate you indulging me as I tried to fumble around explaining myself. It's been about 5 months since I first came out to my roommate & I'm happy to finally share the good news with y'all. I'm going to my first ever Pride parade soon. It'll be my first time around a large gathering of queer folk. I normally don't really like being out in large groups (nor do I love highly corporate-sponsored events, which this surely will be). That being said, I'm really excited! I seriously can't wait for this. Probably because it feels like finally being united with a group you never knew you were a part of. It's an event specifically celebrating the idea that it's cool & good to be queer, to be part of this rainbow. For the first time in a long time, it feels like I'm moving in the right direction.

[lajulie24]

You gave a headcanon about how they're all gayish, now give me a headcanon about how all three found out that all three of them are gayish.

This might turn into a little more of a tome than I was originally planning, but…here, have some thoughts. (Apparently I cannot answer headcanon questions in a brief way.)

How Luke found out that Leia is bisexual: Luke and Leia are having a quiet conversation one day fairly early in their friendship, maybe a month or two after Yavin, and Leia says something about “that’s what Aria used to say” and looks kind of wistful for a moment, and Luke immediately understands that this person is someone who died with Alderaan, because every so often Leia will mention someone’s name in passing and get that look, and that’s always what it means. But they’re good enough friends now that he knows he can ask and she’ll let him know if she doesn’t want to talk about the person right then. (She can’t really talk about her parents; it’s too painful. She could talk about Winter a little but then had to stop.)

“Who’s Aria?” he asks.

She smiles a bit. “Oh, my ex-girlfriend.”

Well, this is a bit of a surprise for Luke. “You–you like girls?”

She smiles a bit more. “I like women,” she corrects. “And men. I’m bisexual.”

So the thing that kind of throws Luke a little bit is not so much that Leia is bi, but that she mentions the ex-girlfriend and her identity as bi so casually to him. Because the area of Tatooine where Luke grew up is kind of like parts of the western US where there’s this sort of frontier mentality. People claim to be very “live and let live” about things and supposedly leave each other alone, and there are plenty of people who are gay or bi (including people like Biggs, but we’ll get to that in a minute), but actually naming yourself with that identity is a good way to get the shit kicked out of you. And yeah, people in the Rebellion are pretty open about sexuality, but Luke just assumed that was a fighter pilot thing. So this is a bit of a revelation for Luke, that things can be like this.

How Leia found out Luke is gay: More like, how Leia confirmed what she already suspected. She has a good sense of people, so she sort of already had figured it out. But later in this same conversation with Luke, he says he thinks he might be bisexual too, and she’s very supportive and friendly about it, and assures him that he doesn’t have to have it all figured out right away. Then he admits that he was kind of in love with Biggs, and she comforts him a bit. He doesn’t mention the crush he has on Han (I think he’s convinced himself that it’s just a “I want to be like him” thing) and Leia is kind enough not to bring it up. (Luke remembers this kindness later when Leia is in denial about being into Han.) After Bespin, shortly after Leia admits to Luke that she’s fallen in love with Han, he admits to her that his feelings have become a little more platonic toward her anyway, and that he’s pretty sure he’s gay and not bi.

How Leia and Luke found out Han is bi: Leia kind of suspected for a while, especially since Han would never mention gender if he ever made reference to past relationships. (Which, as much as people assumed him to be kind of a player, he didn’t actually do very often.) But one time they’re all on a mission and Han’s connecting them with someone on planet and is kind of cagey about how he knows him, and Leia’s finally like, “Is he your ex?” and Han admits that he is. Leia’s like, “Did it end badly? Would he sell us out to the Empire?” and when Han assures her that it ended fine, and no he would not, Leia’s like, “Good enough for me, let’s go.” (For the record: the ex is totally trustworthy and very helpful on their mission. He also flirts incessantly with Luke, which Leia and Chewie both find hilarious.)

How Han found out Leia is bi: Evaan Verlaine comes for a visit and she and Leia flirt with each other a lot, and Han is like, WHAT. Obviously despite being bi himself he has some things to learn about women. And then later he mentions it to Luke in an attempt to let Luke down easy from his crush on Leia, and Luke’s like, “Duh, Leia’s bisexual,” and Han’s like, “Wait, she’s bi? And how did you know that and I didn’t?” and Luke’s like, “Wait, how did you not know that?” Then, mainly, Luke is just smug that finally he knew something before Han did.

How Han found out Luke is gay: Despite his initial cluelessness about Leia, Han has already kind of figured out that Luke is gay. Luke tends to wear his crushes on his sleeve, poor boy, so Han also knows about Luke’s crush on him.

And there you have my very lengthy headcanons for the gang on this subject. Thank you for the ask – this was really fun to think about!

[1nfamous-cvpidz]

LGBT Questionnaire: Cupid Syren

1. what is your sexuality? 

Pansexual ~ 

 2. what do you identify as?

 Genderfluid 

 3. how long have you been aware of your sexuality/identity? 

Back in high school, I considered myself bisexual. Then I dated someone who was genderfluid and acknowledged that I would date beyond the gender binary. I came out as bi my sophomore year of high school, but I didn’t learn about pansexuality till my senior year. So about 4 years now. As for my genderfluidity? Mm… it’s hard to say. I always felt that there was something different about me since I was like 8. I started experimenting with gender roles and gender when I was a freshman in high school. I switched back and forth between male and female a lot. I felt more comfortable with being male, but I enjoyed the switching back and forth. The fluidity. I didn’t learn about that term till my freshman year in college I think.. so with the term, it’s been 2 years. But with my overall behaviors for my identity, it’s been 6 years. 

4. do you have any preferences? 

 What do you mean by preferences? As in preferred pronouns or do I prefer to date men, women or non-binary more? Well, with my identity, I lean towards masculine (he/him) and non-binary (they/them) more. With my sexually, I’ve dated more men and have more interest towards non-binary and gender queer individuals I suppose. 

 5. share a positive memory about coming out! 

Mm… the 1st time I came out to my family about my genderfluidity was pretty awesome. My mom told me how she was the same way when she was younger, except back then they called it being a tomboy. And I’m not entirely sure if tomboy and genderfluidity fall into the same category. I feel tomboy may align more with demiboy or the term simply means a cisgendered girl who dresses and acts like a boy. Idk. But my mom has always had a masculine spirit about her. Her mannerisms and thought process are masculine in my opinion. She was a single mom who worked really hard. She was the sole financial provider, etc. She’s very aggressive, confrontational, blunt, straightforward and assertive. She likes to be in control and I associate those traits with masculinity. But she can dress up beautifully and has legs for days. She can pull off masculine AND feminine clothing. It’s really awesome. She told me she loves me no matter what, unconditionally. My dad calls me by my preferred name ^_^ he accepts me too.

 6. how do you feel about pride month? 

 I’m super excited. I think it’s important to have a month dedicated to who we are as individuals. We are an important part of history and society. We matter just as much as everyone else because we’re human. Pride isn’t just about taking pride in your gender or sexuality, it’s about taking pride in who you are, period. Whether you’re black, white etc. or gay, straight, etc. take pride in being yourself. Love yourself. Every bit, every piece that makes you, YOU. Love it all. It’s all about love, acceptance, peace and equality. It’s an amazing feeling. 

7. do you participate in pride related events? any other events?

I wanted to be a part of the Allies club at my college, but the days fell on when I had classes, so it was hard. Back in high school, I tried to develop something similar to the Allies club called BGSA which then turned into the Alliance of Equality. Now, high schoolers from my school have kept the club alive but under a different name! It’s pretty awesome. I’ve also started going to pride parades in NYC. 

8. how do you feel about lgbtqa roles in media?

I feel like so much more can be done with media representation for LGBTQIA+. We do have shows, like Orange is the new black, that include a lot of diversity for this community. However, shows like this (and others I can’t really name off the top of my head at the moment) that tend to show LGBTQiA+ as being deviant most of the time. Criminal. Then there are some shows that do a decent enough job, but may lean towards stereotypes more. I really think movies should have more representation as much as shows. Hollywood likes to do “subtle” when it comes to our community for some reason, especially in animations, or they play a lot off of suggestive puns and innuendos. If you’re going to do it, DO IT. Do it BIG. Loud and PROUD. None of this, “well there MIGHT have been a gay couple in this movie…” And if movies were to be less subtle about it, directors, writers and producers should be more aware of other identities such as bisexual, pansexual etc. when it comes to romance and sexuality. I feel shows should do the same too

Video games have shown some representation for androgyne and gender queer individuals, but again it’s subtle. You have a character that looks androgynous but is referred to as he/him, so that’s technically cisgender representation. Some games may play a little more with gender and gender roles in that regard, like introducing cross-dressing and such. There’s pros and cons to this form of representation. I also know that Overwatch now has an openly gay playable character, which is pretty awesome. But we really need to push more past the whole, “subtle” notion.  

 9. do you feel pride in who you are? 

This is a complicated question in my opinion. I would love to scream out loud, “YES I DO,” but I also want to be realistic and honest here. I do struggle with taking pride in and loving who I am, mainly because I deal with a lot of complications due to my identity. I am learning to love and accept myself more though and to worry less about what other people think about me. I am slowly becoming more comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, but it isn’t an easy journey for me. I’m working on it. 

10. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery?

Currently, my supportive idols are my friends and family. Probably more so my family.

11. tell us about your first crush?

Mm..Can my memory even go back that far? Okay, uh. My first male crush.  It was when I was 10. I met him online via those old streams and chatrooms that youtube use to have. He was a friend of one of my cousins. He was a pretty cool, playful and creative kid. His dad was a photographer and he eventually went down the path of media production and film making. He makes awesome videos and short films now. 

My first female crush was a friend of mine. She had such curly and wild hair. I was 11. I use to take a pencil and wrap some of her curls around it, then slip the pencil out to watch her curls bounce when I sat behind her in class. lol She was small, cute and full of bubbly energy. Really weird and unique. Idk what she does currently, but I know she’s done some modeling, wears a lot of high-end fashion and name brand clothing and attends high-end fancy events with her mom and friends. Very much a city girl.

My first non-binary/gender queer crush was on another friend of mine. This was when I was 16 or 17, my sophomore or Junior year of high school. At the time, he identified as “he/him” more. He was genderfluid and an amazing artist. He still arts and does a lot of modding, contributions and commissions for chat sites and stuff. 

12. what sort of advice to have you lgbtqa teens? 

Don’t be afraid to explore. It’s okay to change over time. Reach out to friends and family or anyone you feel provides good support. Do research, read up on new things, new identities and sexuality. Educate yourself. Ask questions, attend information sessions. Slowly get out of your comfort zone to put yourself out there and meet people just like you or who have common interests/preferences. Do what you think is best for you even if that means cutting off toxic people, people who invalidate or don’t respect you. 

Enforce your pronouns and identity.  If you want to be referred to as something, then tell people that. Correct them if they make a mistake.Don’t worry about making other people uncomfortable because of who you are, just be aware that not everyone is going to understand. Help them by educating and informing them about who you are. Guide them and provide some sources if you like. Encourage them to find out more on their own. If they make the effort to get to know you more to understand your identity and support you, they are worth keeping around. 

But also keep in mind that people make mistakes and something like pronouns or preferred names are hard to get on the first shot. Give people time to process, learn and adjust. Allow people to make mistakes, correct them maturely and move on. 

Lastly, receiving validation from others is great and all…but the most important validation and acceptance come from you. Learn to love and accept yourself. 

 13. have you come out to friends and family?

Yes, friends and family.

 14. how do you feel about the term “coming out” ?

Mm…when I first heard the term, my question was, “coming out of what?” To which someone explained, “the closet.” Then I asked, “why a closet?” And no one could really answer lol I don’t really know where these phrases came from. Maybe from the notion of, “having skeletons in the closet.” Like having dirty little secrets. I’m not really a dirty little secret though. I don’t think my identity should be a dirty little secret that I’m now revealing to the world, but that’s how society sees it as.  It’s silly. 

 15. do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of?

Maybe cisgendered and straight people think we come from Narnia, so the “closet” refers to the lion, the witch and the wardrobe. Idk. Maybe the “closet” refers to a sheltered world that society wants everyone to conform to but we, LGBTQIA+ individuals, manage to step out from that world or mind frame into a better place. Who knows. Again, it’s silly.

 16. any tips on coming out?

Take it at your own pace. Do it when you feel ready to, although I don’t really think anyone can feel entirely ready for something like this. Prepare for it, make sure you feel somewhat safe and secure in the environment. Remember you aren’t alone and you’re not the only one who had to go through this. Coming out takes a lot of courage. You can do it. 

17. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtqa characterization in media?

As I mentioned in a previous answer, it’s how “subtle” the representation is, as well as the deviancy/criminality associated with the community as well. Oh and the stereotypes. And the lack of awareness or representation of other sexualities because you’re either straight or gay, nothing in between according to society.

18. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtqa characterization in media? 

Some LGBTQIA+ specific movies I find on netflix and stuff do a really good job focusing on the romance aspect than the sexual aspect. Being able to love anyone we want to love. Some also do a good job to show the struggles and issues in LGBTQ+ relationships and how they are pretty much the same as straight relationships. Relationships are relationships no matter who’s involved and the issues that arise in those relationships aren’t always tied to gender or sexuality. “We have complications because we’re gay.” No, it’s mostly probably because of other factors such as finances, loyalty, etc. like in any other relationship. 

19. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? 

Complications. There’s always going to be complications when it comes to, “living that sort of lifestyle.” We mainly discussed a lot about discrimination, hate crimes, religion and bullying. The two things that really bothered me about the education, especially with psychology, is that when it came to relationships, it was always about heterosexuality. Teachers would briefly mention homosexuality. Even with sex ed, teachers briefly touched on homosexuality. In college, it’s a little more interesting. Discrimination, religion and hate crimes are still discussed. We have a course dedicated to specifically studying gender and race. But the course focuses more on gender roles between men and women and gender equality than it does on the LGBTQIA+ community. Again, briefly discussed. 

The second thing is people seem so afraid now to discuss their opinions on LGBTQ+ for fear of being hated on for their opinion. There was a time where my professor asked the class how many people don’t think gay people should be allowed to marry (this was when it was already legalized, but the professor wanted to hold a more in depth conversation about it). Almost no one raised their hand…Now, I go to a private catholic college. You’re really gonna tell me EVERYONE in that room agreed for gay people to marry? If so, awesome. Cool. But I don’t think people should be afraid to say their opinion if that isn’t the case. It’s okay to have healthy discussions and debates on this topic. It’s okay to be against something or not agree with something as long as you don’t violate the rights of another person. You want to voice your opinion? Go for it. Just know there’s going to be someone out there who doesn’t agree with you and will challenge your views. And that’s okay (till things get out of hand, but that’s a different matter). 

20. do you practice safe sex with the same sex? 

Of course! STDs are still a concern regardless of gender.

21. what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same sex? 

Someone who is too critical and judgmental, controlling, manipulative and plays games. 

22. what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same sex?

Good communication, good work ethics (hard working), honest, loyal, ambitious, caring. 

23. how do you feel about lgbtqa clubs/apps/websites?

I can’t really say much on this. I’ve only used one LGBTQ+ app before and that was a dating app called HER. It was decent when I had it at the time and I talked to a lot of interesting people. You have the option to select your preferred gender and sexuality beyond the normal selections, which I greatly appreciated. I’m not very active in LGBTQ+ school clubs or entertainment clubs. I don’t really venture onto websites for this community either unless I’m doing research papers on the subject. I had to do a paper on gender dysphoria and transgenders once and found a lot of helpful LGBTQ+ websites on the subject.

24.  how do you feel about the term “queer” ? 

I’m not against it. I like the term. I’m aware of the negative connotations that may be associated with the term, but I refuse to let that bother me.It’s a term I feel the community has taken back and made something so much more positive out of it. Queer/gay also means happy. 

25. how does your country view the lgbtqa community?

Oh, boy. This is what a professor once said and I feel that she is better at explaining the views today on the community:

“The U. S. as a whole… I think we have a LONG way to go. The whole bathroom ridiculousness in North Carolina and other places is evidence that we aren’t as far along as a country as we should be. I also think Americans might be more accepting of transgenderism than androgyny - Americans don’t like it when they aren’t allowed to categorize and KNOW a person’s gender for some reason, we’ve somehow placed a person’s gender at the center of who they are as a person and feel uncomfortable when we aren’t given clear signs pointing in one direction or another.” -SU, psychology professor. 

26. favorite lgbtqa actor/actress? 

Laverne Cox (I don’t really know many, sadly. Sorry.)

27.any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news? 

Do further research. Ask questions. Calmly and maturely discuss and debate. Reach out to LGBTQIA individuals for further information on something. DON’T harass anyone. Keep an open mind and be open to other people’s perspectives/views on a subject. 

28. what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? 

When it comes to my genderfluidity, I often get people questioning whether I have dissociative identity disorder instead of a gender identity.Many people tend to see me as two different people, with different mannerisms, thoughts and feelings from one another. I’ve had people tell me or question me about having different personalities or mind sets when I’m one way versus the other and it’s really annoying. 

29. how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/Identity?

I don’t mind getting questions about my sexuality. I’m a little more guarded when it comes to my identity because genderfluidity is a really hard thing for me to explain to others. Or it’s hard for others to understand my explanations and people like to go really in depth and personal with my gender identity. They tend to ask questions that I really don’t have the answers to right now because I’m still trying to understand my identity, myself. So, I get overwhelmed and uncomfortable easier with questions about my identity, but I do my best to explain what I can. 

30. what is your romantic affiliation?

Uh…? Like demiromantic or aromantic? I think I’m demiromantic. I need some type of emotional connection before developing a romantic bond, But.I’m not entirely sure given my current situation..I do know for 100% certainty that I am a hopeless romantic tho lol.

~Cupid Syren

[danachristinehare]

monogamy is a choice.

This blog entry is an update on our moving situation, our living arrangement, and our relationship. Now, as most everyone knows, Matt and i visited florida in January to tell our friends and family that we are expecting a little one! Immediately we were supported and loved, and encouraged to move home. Without much discussion or planning, we immediately jumped on the “let’s move back to florida” bandwagon. It was an emotionally made decision in the heat of the moment while we were visiting, pregnancy hormones never help in decision making either might i add. Our lease being up on my birthday, April 28th, was the day we were planning on leaving the mountains behind us to move back to our beloved beaches. Unfortunately, and yet at the same time fortunately, that is not in the cards for us at this given moment. In the moment we understood moving back as the best possible option for our growing family. Being near our parents is desirable while having a little one, for the sake of having help raise a child, and for the sake of having the child bond with it’s grandparents. We’ve been planning and saving and struggling since january with the promise of moving back the first week of may. Long story short, we have concluded to staying in tennessee for at least another year lease. Life’s funny sometimes, and everything just falls together the way it is supposed too. I truly believe in fate. I truly believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, and everything happens the way it was meant too all along. Matt and i have since gotten a larger nicer home for a fair price in a better part of town. At this point in our lives, our number one priority is our daughter Magdalena, as it should be, and we can’t wait for her to be here.

This leads me into something personal that i feel i need to explain. I, as an individual person, have known my own feelings towards women since i was about 14 years old. I came out as bi-sexual in highschool to close friends, and slowly but surely all acquaintances as well. I never felt comfortable coming out to my family. After marrying Matt, when i felt i was in a good place mentally, I low-key came out as bi-sexual publicly. Family included. I posted about the pride in my own sexuality on social media and kinda slipped it out there to everyone like it was nothing. Honestly, nothing came about it. Nobody really said anything, nobody was surprised, and i didn’t have to ‘talk’ about it with anyone. Now what some people don’t understand, is yes, even though i am now married to a man, my feelings towards women have not gone away. Sexuality doesn’t just permanently change when a diamond is placed on your ring finger. Something some people don’t understand is that as a bisexual girl, even if you’ve loved 100 men, your love for just 1 woman is important and valid. Whatever your relationship with men is and has been does not devalue or invalidate your feelings towards any woman.

Now i am about to explain something that might be difficult for some people to wrap their minds around, and that is fine. I’ve been nervous about explaining this situation to multiple people for multiple reasons. I have chosen to share what i am about to share in a blog post because i feel like i can be 100 percent myself in writing. I won't let emotions take control, and it gives me proper time to type, edit, re-read, and type again all the points i feel i need to make without interruptions, judgmental looks, or questions.

With all that being explained a little deeply and out there, i will bluntly quickly state that myself and my husband Matthew have a girlfriend. Her name is Chelsea. She is treated as an equal to our marriage and relationship. She lives with us, and we identify our relationship as polyfidelity. So yes, we are in a sense, all polyamorous, but we are not running off with other men or women, we are all committed to to people only within the triad, and we are more into the ‘throuple’ relationship for the sense of a true loving, meaningful relationship. This is not a based on something purely sexual and fun, which some people assume we’re doing. We all have our days, we all have our moments, but the three of us are in this together and share a very strong bond. I will willingly answer any and all reasonable non-judgemental questions you may have, although i can honestly say i am not looking forward to it. Mainly, i am nervous of the unknown reactions and those who are unaccepting to the idea and situation at hand. But for starters, since it’s easier for me over writing, i will try to give a brief explanation of our situation and then answer any questions about polyamory and our personal specific relationship i think will be brought up in a paragraph or so...sorry it’ll probably turn into a short novel. Feel free to skip it and skim through it if you’re already very accepting and welcoming to the idea of our shared partner.

People often assume that a polyamorous person is taking advantage of their partner or partners, using it as an “excuse” to sleep around or avoid commitment. Thanks to binary gender stereotypes, women and people who don’t currently have more than one partner tend to hear, “Why are you letting your partner do that? You’re being exploited!” Men and people who do currently have multiple partners more often hear “Aren’t you taking advantage of your partners? Why can’t you commit to anyone?” It would be nice if people would take “Nope, we’re all happy, thanks!” for an answer, but often, they need more convincing than that. Matthew is not taking advantage of me. This is not a situation i was forced into. This is something him and myself both wanted equally, as well as our third, Chelsea.

What about the child we are expecting? While there aren’t a lot of studies yet, there are a few with some evidence that a polyamorous family can be just as healthy for kids as a monogamous one. To those concerned about our child being exposed to a “sexually deviant” lifestyle, responsible polyamorous parents don’t expose their kids to the sexy side of their relationships any more than responsible monogamous parents do. All our daughter will see and be raised around is that there are lots of adults around who love and care for her and each other. Magdalena is my main priority. Magdalena is Matt’s main priority, and believe it or not, Magdalena is Chelsea’s main priority and having her help and support is a blessing. Between Chelsea and Matt both having better and higher paying jobs than myself, i am able to work less to keep myself healthy and stress free during my pregnancy. I am able to be home and raise my child more once she has been brought into this world. She will be raised beautifully, into a judgement free world. She is our future.

Another question brought up is, “why isn't one person enough?” By that logic you should only have to have one friend. I have multiple friends. I have friends i’m just cool with on social media, and then i have friends i would pick up from jail if they were in trouble. It’s not that one person isn't enough, it’s that lots of people are exciting and can bring something different to the table. Three people isn't necessarily better than two, it’s just something that works for us. It fits our lifestyles, and fits our needs. The reality of this situation we are in as a triad is this is something we all sort of just fell into. Matt and i have been openly into sharing other women since we first got together, and we knew the potential of this situation could arise one day, however, we didn’t go out seeking this specifically or try and force this to work. Honestly because the relationship was so free and relaxed, it happening so easily was just what it was. We didn’t question it. Why question a good thing? Matt and i added women to our relationship as a casual thing, and meeting Chelsea changed everything as we just kind of watched her fall into place in our lives.

“What’s the difference between polyamory and cheating?” Cheating is a violation of the relationship. Polyamory is all about consensual discussion. Open communication is key to having a successful relationship with multiple partners. Polyamory is not about betrayal like cheating is. The best thing you could do to help polyamory work in any relationship is just communication. Love and compassion comes first, right alongside communication. All involving members in our triad openly talk about how we feel and what we are going through at any given moment.

“How do you deal with jealousy?” In all seriousness, jealousy is something we all deal with. We can be jealous of our co-workers, our neighbors for having a nicer house or car, people in our families for having more success or a better childhood. For some reason though, even after understanding how normal jealousy is, we all as humans consider sexual jealousy as this huge insurmountable problem, and it’s not.

You’re probably already aware that many people hear polyamory and think, “orgies! sex!” We have to tell people over and over, “It’s not all about the sex.” In fact, it’s not about the sex at all. Just like the marriage between Matt and myself hasn’t been JUST about the sex. For anyone who is thrown off at the idea, i want to say, “How about, instead of imagining us all having sex together, you imagine us all talking about who’s doing which household chores this week? Because believe me, that happens a lot.” Our relationship is a loving, open, communicative relationship involving more than two people. We don’t really care what others will say. All parties involved are extremely happy.

“Is this life change and practice due to your religion?” “does this mean you’re practicing a new religion?” You are thinking of polygamy. Polyamory and polygamy are two separate things. Polygamy for the most part is more of a legal term and more linked to religion. Polygamy is more about the man having subservient women. With polyamory, everyone has a voice. Its separated from religious ideals, and its not based on gender roles or ownership.

“Is non-monogamy normal?” I think this is where we all have to ask ourselves, is monogamy normal? It’s kind of just whatever works for you, for your relationships and partner(s), and for your family life choices. We can choose to be monogamous just like we can choose to be vegetarian. It’s okay to be non-monogamous as long as you choose to do it in an ethical way that doesn't betray anyone while still respecting yourself.

We are a slightly abnormal, but still healthy happy family. We all have different assets brought to the table, and yet we all still have Magdalena as a top priority. Having Chelsea around allows me to not work as much, as stated earlier. With both Matt and Chelsea working i am able to put all my focus, love, and nurturing into Magdalena, instead of stressing about finding baby sitters and working 40 hours a week to put food on the table. If you really wrap your brain around the concept of our relationship, a child having three parents is kind of the norm these days. The difference is, most children that have more than two parents are the product of divorce. They have separated parents with new parent figures in their lives coming at them from two different angles. All that matters is that we are raising Magdalena in a house that promotes love, and the idea that love is love no matter the gender. We look after eachother, and we take care of each other.

Conclusively about this relationship, i don't want anyone to think, “wow, Matt is the luckiest guy in the world.” Chelsea and i are not his servants. He does not own us. We were not forced into this against our will. This isn't some blessing for only Matt. This is a blessing for all of us. All three of us. We are ALL the luckiest people in the world. Or at least that’s what it feels like to be in the situation we are all apart of.

The THREE of us are very excited for what changes are about to come into our lives. This summer, as stated, we will be visiting florida to have a baby shower, see family and friends, and have everyone meet Chelsea. We plan on coming down in June. We’ll be traveling back home to Tennessee in time for me to be a walking watermelon ready to pop any minute. We are very thankful for your continued support. Magdalena is a very lucky little girl already to have such a supportive and strong group of friends and family members.