#this thought can be attributed to a very long very thought out and very self servicing maladaptive daydream ive been pinging in and out of

[dirtytransmasc]

ok ok ok, I was doing random world building for a brain au (as in this is all you will ever hear of it, I'm keeping this one for myself, sorry) cause I'm maladaptive and bored. anyway, I had to work out who was with who and succession and everything, cause I was committed to the bit, and a crack ship has arisen:

Daeron and Rhaena... thoughts, feelings, opinions?

I think they'd be a cute betrothal, while purely political at first, I think they could actually get along quite well. they're closer in age (2 years apart in the books, though that might change in the show, who knows who cares, this is not going all that deep), Daeron's an energetic sweetheart, Rhaena's quiet but none the less feisty like her mother, both of them can be both sweet and sour, even spicy at times (especially Daeron *cough cough* war flashbacks *cough cough*). I feel like they would have 'friends before lovers' vibes, but they would love each other dearly in time.

I just think they could be cute, if fate willed a situation where they would be betrothed, cause otherwise there would be little to no chance. especially cause in my head (and storyline) they would be the ones taking Driftmark on Rhaena's claim, making Daeron her adoring lord consort (cause they deserved to have their true claims honored)

Edit: I looked into this and found crumbs of content, I am beyond pleased.

[moineauz]

જ⁀ 𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔 , various !

synopsis: his voice lines about you as his beloved partner

including: veritas, jing yuan, blade

side comments: dw i promise i'm working on the house of musica requests... i just wanted to do this for fun! also this is the first time I've written for jing yuan which is kinda funny. i liked writing for blade again. originally i had welt and aventurine in the mix but i wanted to post this hahaha.

extra: gn reader, angsty and fluffy moments, mentions of marriage, aventurine jumpscare later favourites: blade word count: roughly 2,085+

𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐒 𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎

WHO ARE THEY? I "So you're asking about my significant other? Are you shocked that I have a significant other? At the very least consider your question."

FIRST MEETINGS? "I met Professor ( Name ) when they barged into my lecture, they said they were 'lost'. Since then we had several heated debates academically. Have I lost in these debates? Several times yes, consequently making debating with them all the more... interesting. Especially considering that Professor ( Name ) has a well-rounded vault of knowledge in most subjects of academic and social relevance. Finally, a conversation worth my time.

GREETINGS? "Professor ( Name ) considers a good greeting the highest attribute. A curt smile and a cup of coffee suffice, thankfully they know when to remain silent. However, there are instances when they will talk relentlessly. Initially, I used my headpiece around them. Nevertheless, their conversations do occasionally convey subtle insightfulness and definite meaning. Gradually I have come to share some liking towards their rather pleasant 'small talk'."

PARTINGS? "A small kiss on the cheek: be it on my skin or the headpiece, that is all. However, I... have always preferred it on the skin."

ABOUT US: ART "Outside of ( Name's ) academic career, they share a peculiar fondness for art. Be it painting or sculptures they could very well get lost in a museum. When they discovered my fondness for sculptures and anatomy, they were... oddly quiet; tracing their hands over my sculptures- or my face to be exact. ( Name's ) admiration is always shown in silence, one of the greatest forms of praise.

ABOUT US: TRUE APPEARANCES "I have questioned how ( Name ) has perceived our relationship. Considering that we are both colleagues, it can lead to speculation amongst other *sighs* inappropriate comments. Hence, I prefer to keep our relationship known only to those who need to. I believe them to be devout and... undoubtedly caring. I hope my attitude towards them conveys a similar message.

CHAT: WORK "Although we teach different subjects, we occasionally mark or review the work of our students. You may call it a 'second opinion'. Thus, their opinion is one that I trust."

CHAT: SERVICE "( Name's ) actions can initially appear simple-minded. However, underneath simplicity, lies thoughtfulness beyond comparison in both work... and at our residence.

PASTIMES DONE TOGETHER? "Film is not an art I deliberately take part in or seek out for leisure. However, ( Name ) was quite adamant and passionate about film. Thus, we've watched a myriad amount of films and TV shows together, both acclaimed and disdained. I have my own varying opinions. I must admit, after a long bath, a film in bed is quite soothing. Considering that ( Name ) similarly enjoys the pleasure of a bath, our nighttime routine is undoubtedly satisfying."

ARGUMENTS: "One must always think before they speak for there is a price to pay. ( Name's ) silence is decisive, deliberate and painful; burning right through your chest. Debates are loud, quarrels are bitterly silent."

SOMETHING TO SHARE: "Solitude is the greatest gift to civilization and self: introspection enlarges the expanse of the mind. However, the pursuit of knowledge is not only found in discovery and text. It is through experience alone. I have found much knowledge in solitude and an equal amount through genuine companionship. Hence, I share my deepest revere. "

WHO ARE THEY? II "My lover. That is who they are to me and all you need to know."

EXTRA: AVENTURINE'S OPINION "I met Ratio's lover when I visited for business matters. But, all that went out of the door! I saw a lovely individual by his desk and thought, 'Who is this?' Ratio never, and I mean never, allows anyone to screw his desk up. Yet, here they were, seated at the edge of his desk toying with his stupid chalk greeting me with a bright smile. We immediately hit off. I suppose Ratio does have some luck in him, but then again, ( Name ) was the one who first asked him out. Less to do with luck, and more to do with destiny. In my opinion, destiny is not something I fully believe in, however, when I watch Ratio and ( Name ), it's difficult to imagine a universe where they aren't together."

𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐔𝐀𝐍

WHO ARE THEY? I "You are looking for Commander ( Name )? Sadly they're on a business trip, however, I'd be happy to answer in their place."

FIRST MEETINGS? "( Name ) is an interesting soul. I've heard of their praised skills in combat and decisive thinking. Many assume I met them on the battlefield. Yet, I met them over a coincidental cup of tea."

GREETINGS? “I find it amusing how our everyday greetings have evolved. At first it was a salute. However, I find that a kiss on the cheek is a much more efficient way of greeting and brightening up the mundane tasks *sighs* of work.”

PARTINGS? “Why bid farewell when one hasn’t said hello? Partings have always been bitter. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that all things lead back from whence they came.”

ABOUT US: AGE “Time for long life species is fickle and plainly slow. Despite that, ( Name ) has constantly made time— less daunting and more fun. ( Name’s ) life span… is a touch shorter than that of myself. Hence, they have brought forth a new value in every passing year to which I cherish. This year I plan on doing something special for their birthday— though, don’t tell them that.”

ABOUT US: SILENCE "As much as ( Name ) glows in social settings, they equally enjoy stillness, if not more. There never is any obligation to fill the void when we're together. It is as natural of an act as breathing.

CHAT: PRODUCTIVITY "( Name ) likes to be on task. I, however, don't always find leisure in such activities. ( Name ) quote, 'holds me accountable'. Of course, there are moments in which I can distract them."

CHAT: FELINES "They are quite fond of Mimi. Unfortunately, Mimi is rather... aggressive when around ( Name ) and has been for a considerable amount of time. One time ( Name ) was attempting to bargain with Mimi for her favour. *Chuckles* What a sight.

PASTIMES DONE TOGETHER? "Master Diviner Fu Xuan would frown upon it... but I suppose napping on the Seat of Divine Foresight is considered a 'pastime' when done regularly enough."

ARGUMENTS: "I do not attempt to quell the frustrations of my dearest. It is not often they disclose them to me and it does pain me to be the cause of their anger. Nevertheless, if it means the two of us will grow closer, then I will gladly offer myself to the brute force of my dearest. Of course, the swelling of regret still stains the heart."

SOMETHING TO SHARE: I've lived one life yet many all at once. Companions scattered amongst the universe and enemies whose names I've gradually forgotten. Yet, underneath the breath of my dearest, I'm simply a man in his spouse's embrace. Nothing else matters."

WHO ARE THEY? II "My most loving spouse."

EXTRA: FU XUAN'S OPINION "When Commander ( Name ) came into the Seat of Divine Foresight to help the General... he grew all the more 'lazy'. A part of me feels sympathetic towards Commander ( Name ), imagine having your own spouse bully you into doing your work? Alas, it's not my business to speak about their marital life. Besides, the two go hand in hand, like a puzzle piece clicking together. Both can do well without, but when joined together, they are a force to be reckoned with."

𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐄

WHO ARE THEY? I "Their weapon may be thin, but it pierces holes even in the most... stubborn of enemies."

FIRST MEETINGS? "Elio's script is always followed. However, ( Name ) is a detail I did not anticipate or was foretold. My body met the tip of their spear before I saw their face."

GREETINGS? "Over time ( Name ) has grown close to the Stellaron Hunters- especially Kafka. Their presence is imminent despite not being a Stellaron Hunter themselves. ( Name ) smiles whenever we meet, it has always been more than enough."

PARTINGS? "My promised end will come, yet an absurd inkling of regret remains."

ABOUT US: THE BLADE "( Name ) believes the blade to be a form of art. They had said, 'The blade dances in air with undisturbed poise and precision, a kind of mercy not known to themselves.' I asked them why they chose a spear then. They replied, 'Because I could never dare replicate it's beauty.'"

ABOUT US: WOUNDS "( Name ) never wanted to be a traveller, rather, they opted to string fabrics together with a needle and thread. Perhaps that is where their skills come from."

CHAT: MIDNIGHT "The mara is like a ghost. Yet, ( Name ) is a fool. They embrace the ghost I can't seem to remember other than its bottomless spite and fear."

CHAT: SCARS "Their hands never 'keep to themselves'. ( Name ) prefers to trace their hands over surfaces and make shapes. They tend to draw stars... so many stars."

PASTIMES DONE TOGETHER? "When there are no missions, we sleep in silence. Under the guise of sleep and their warmth, immortality does not follow me."

ARGUMENTS: "When all is said and done, silence remains."

SOMTHING TO SHARE: "If there is life after death, then I wish to meet them in the same manner, again and again with that smile and spear."

WHO ARE THEY II? "The person who taught me how to breathe and pressed their lips against my skin."

EXTRA: KAFKA'S OPINION "Blade will never admit it. But, ( Name ) cares for Blade and Blade does too. The pair will never put a name to the push and pull between them. I caught Bladie once; staring out into the open universe searching for something with a spark of life that doesn't belong to a dead body. I wonder if ( Name ) put that there."

masterlist.

[lychee-angelica]

random vedic astrology observations

i thought i may as well post some content that has been sitting in my drafts for over a year xx

౨ৎ libra ascendant 18+

these women are obviously very beautiful, but they are also highly alluring and mysterious. this can be attributed to venus ruling both their first house and eighth house. it is honestly difficult to ignore that these women are seductive and passionate individuals. i have personally observed that these women are highly attractive and naturally possess an evidently strong sexual appeal.

the above can also apply to women with first house lord in the eighth house or eighth house lord in the first house

౨ৎ venus in leo

within my time observing charts of various individuals and celebrities i have found an absurd amount of models with venus in leo. in all honesty this does not surprise me, considering leo is ruled by sun, the most visible, important and prominent celestial body. these women possess a beauty that was almost made for shining above the rest, their beauty is so apparent in the eyes of others. i often think of venus in leo women as embodying the beauty queen archetype.

౨ৎ aquarius ascendant

the identity of these women is heavily tied to something deeply intangible, given that saturn rules both their first and twelfth house. saturn's repressive nature propels these women far from egocentric ideals and toward the undoing of self. that being said, these women can seem very disconnected and even out of touch with reality.

౨ৎ mrigasira

these women can be naturally doe-eyed and have a sweet, bambi appearance. this is due to mrigasira symbolising a deer sniffing the ground, a specific yet beautiful depiction of the deer's face. honestly, even the men have large doe eyes. additionally, i often notice many of these women wear their hair in braids and look beautiful with their hair in this inherently protective style. i say this because the idea of braiding and weaving is deeply rooted in the symbolic nature of mrigasira. deers experience pressure to weave themselves into the heard in order to mitigate the threat of predation.

౨ৎ pisces ascendant

these women are naturally possess a loving curiosity on deeply occult and esoteric knowledge. this is due to venus ruling both their third and eighth house. acknowledging that this aspect of their chart is due to venus, their interest and fascination in mysterious information is something that naturally attracts them, painted with a tinge of romanticism and deep love.

౨ৎ rahu conjunct venus

honestly, women with this placement can get so lost in a world of beauty, indulgence, love and romantic relationships. they most likely have great karma in life that propels them toward learning all of the struggles that come with beauty and love. although how negative this seems, they are undeniably attractive and intensely magnetic women.

౨ৎ saturn conjunct venus

these women are the types who are able to truly let go of unrealistic expectations in love. they are able to love truly, through thick and thin, this placement tends to indicate a devotional and long term orientated lover. another note is that these women can struggle immensely with insecurity in relation to their beauty, it can be very helpful for them to remain devoted to their own beauty. despite the struggle this placement indicates over time their security with their beauty solidities and firms.

౨ৎ ardra, ashlesha, jyeshta and mula

these nakshatras are all considered to embody sharp or dreadful quality. despite the intense struggle these women face, there is a beautiful upside. they are incredibly hypnotising, mystical and deep women.

౨ৎ visakha nakshatra

these women can be have a very intensely ambitious and obsessive streak. particularly when a woman's venus, mars or seventh house lord sits within this nakshatra, they can be highly obsessive and fixated over their partners. despite how intense these women may love, they are very loyal and devoted

[itsnotmuchyet]

Okay, this is just a quick (lies, this ended up so long) and dirty articulation of why I don't like Annabeth Chase from PJO, her relationship with Percy, and what I think could fix it. (It got too long so I cut that bit. I'll write it if someone asks, but right now this is just a deconstruction of how, in my opinion, Annabeth Chase is not a well-written and compelling character.) This will be rambling and scattershot but hopefully it all makes sense, even if you don't agree.

First of all, Annabeth Chase has a lot of potential. I'm about to talk some shit, but I want to be clear, I see a lot in her character that could be interesting. I attribute most of my problems with her to Rick's writing, which, for all its good qualities, is not the strongest or most consistent imo. This isn't intended as a hate piece, just a way to organize my thoughts. I'm doing this all from memory, and am open to feedback, disagreement, or correction if I make a mistake so long as it's done in a civil way. Thank you.

I think my biggest frustration with Annabeth is that I simply don't believe her intelligence. I would LIKE to. But I think we are told that she is smart far more than we're shown, which makes the praise heaped upon her somewhat galling.

When I think about great strategies in these books, Percy comes to mind first. In The Last Olympian, he's the one who plans out the destruction of the bridges to frustrate Kronos' approach, including making diplomatic deals with the river gods and strategically deploying demigods to get it done. He's the one to realize that Poseidon is critical to success, find a way to get his attention in the middle of a war, and convince him to take heavy losses in Atlantis — and lose that battle which was very personal and precious to him — in order to win the ultimate war against Kronos. It is also Percy's strategy which is successful in defeating Typhon. Percy is constantly thinking up strategies in high pressure environments, such as fights. For example, in the Labrynth, when he realizes that his half-brother is healed by earth so he concocts a method with what he has around him to keep his brother suspended so he can be killed.

Now, other demigods also make important contributions in The Last Olympian. Wasn't it Nico who convinced Hades, Persephone, and Demeter to join the fight? And Annabeth activated Daedalus(??? spelling) statues in defense as well. But Percy is one that we are most often shown being strategic. I think it just goes under the radar because Percy does not have a high self esteem and does not praise himself internally for a lot of the clever stuff he does.

Annabeth most often contributes by knowing something. She often serves as exposition; she'll recognize a myth first, and explain it to Percy. But not only is prior knowledge and memorization not a replacement for actual strategy, BUT PERCY GETS BETTER GRADES THAN HER. I think it's in that Demigod Files book?? All Riordan's stuff has at least a month's waitlist at my library or I would double check my source, but I distinctly remember an entry where Annabeth is like, "Seriously, how is Percy getting better grades than me?? I'm the one who taught him how to put an essay together and now he's breezing through them??? Wtf." I find this intensely frustrating. Because what do you MEAN she's not even more successful than Percy academically? It's just, it's frustrating, because she's supposed to be so super smart, and I'm struggling to see where that actually gets expressed. If her only advantage is an earlier exposure to the Greek myths than Percy and a good memory, then her value as a character is highest near the start of the series and can only decline from there.

Even her encounter with the Sphinx highlights this. She had the trivia knowledge to answer the questions but not the wisdom to just, do that and not start an unnecessary fight in the middle of their quest.

I can think of several times in the books where Annabeth stutters, trying to think of something, while Percy improvises something that might be a little goofy but it WORKS.

Actually, Percy is by far the better manipulator out of the two of them. He is insanely good at reading his enemies, figuring out how to convince them to ally with him if possible, or defeat them if not. His big vulnerability is he can't do that for shit with people he cares about. Percy is actually very conflict avoidant in his personal life, I've noticed? And he's very quick to empathize with a friend and try to see things from their persepective (like when Grover kinda SABOTAGED his college applications and Percy heard him out and supported him in his emotional struggle with Percy leaving).

By contrast, Annabeth doesn't seem interested in the emotional wellbeing of her friends?

Annabeth often insults Percy's intelligence and his strategies. She says his head is full of kelp, seaweed brain, outright calls him stupid at least once (during that quest for Hermes, if I recall; was that in the Demigod Files as well? It wasn't in a main book I don't think). Everyone says that Annabeth is so smart, she's the daughter of Athena she's the architect of Olympus!! Meanwhile, the person I see actually implementing successful strategy is the person Annabeth constantly insults. She says that he's lucky, that he needs help to do anything, couldn't think his way out of a paper bag without her????????

That's what drives me crazy about Annabeth. Nobody ever calls her on her bragging or her putting down of other people. She doesn't learn. Not even when her carelessness and overconfidence gets her DRAGGED INTO TARTARUS. I'm so sorry, but is it not embarrassing for a daughter of Athena to be defeated like that??? All you had to do was keep an awareness of your environment, put two and two together that you're covered in webs just like the spider who just fell through the floor, and realize you'd better do something about that ASAP. And, like. Look. My issue isn't that she was pulled into Tartarus. My issue isn't even the way it happened. It matches with her fatal flaw.

My issue is that, like with everything else she gets wrong, she never seems to learn or grow from it. Like when Luke tricked her into holding up the sky. That to me is a perfect opportunity for a genuine character moment. It's so humbling, and would leave you so shaken. A moment for an unwanted but desperately needed reckoning between who she wants Luke to be and who he is. I'm not even saying she should have given up on him. I don't mind that she couldn't or that the whole thing was so messy and painful for her, but the way that it was expressed in the book made me feel like Annabeth was either willfully blind or untrustworthy. Her denial of Luke's worst aspects, her defending of him, her refusal to hold space for other characters feeling differently to her, all of it fostered suspicion in me when I first read the PJO books.

I remember when I first read the scene where Percy reveals his Achille's heel to her. My hair stood on end. Something about the way her eyes are described as "distant" when she asks where it is, and how Percy hesitates. In that moment I was screaming for him not to trust her. I did not want her to know. I thought his fatal flaw was going to kill him. Percy is a character who cannot anticipate betrayal.

Of course I was wrong about Annabeth there. Or was I? Other people before me have noted that when Annabeth judo flips Percy onto his back in New Rome, she does not know that the Mark of Achilles has been lifted. I don't think that the throw would have necessarily killed him if it hadn't; he lands on a flat surface. But it was certainly DEEPLY careless and foolhardy of Annabeth, EVEN BEFORE you take into account that it was, strategically, a STUPID thing to do. It makes me want to scream how dumb this moment makes Annabeth look. It's the tense, fraught first meeting in years between ancient enemies. You're the leader of your group, the diplomatic ambassador from Camp Half Blood. It's imperative that this goes well, for the fate of the world. And your emotions run so high upon reuniting with your kidnapped boyfriend — who was stolen by a god and has been through you-don't-know-what kind of godly fuckery — that you take it out on him, the VICTIM, and physically attack him. Didn't she put a knife to his throat?? If PERCY hadn't defused the moment, handled it, Annabeth would easily have destroyed the Greek-Roman alliance right there, no ghostly possession of Leo needed. With friends like her, who needs enemies?

Her relationship with Percy…I've never understood why they're the golden couple of the fandom. Annabeth seemed more interested in Luke than Percy, and when she was interested in Percy it was always…like, okay, Annabeth was vulnerable with Luke. I don't think he ever had a thing for her, but there was a tenderness to how she'd interact with him. When she interacted with Percy — think of the school dance, or how she handled having Rachel on a quest — she refuses to be vulnerable with him. If she has a crush on Percy, she hides it under glares, insults, and demands. Annabeth won't ask Percy to dance with her, she'll hit him and call him stupid for not asking her. She will not let her guard down with him.

This is a throughline in their relationship; even in Tartarus, she's thinking about how she likes to keep Percy on her toes. Yeah, Annabeth, we know. It was obvious when you manufactured a whole drama around your "one month anniversary." Which, no, that's not a thing, and it's completely normal of Percy not to anticipate that you would want him to do something special for it. I hated that whole story (it's in demigod files, I think). It's just Annabeth dangling Percy over undefined consequences if he doesn't read her mind and figure out what she wants and needs. He does all the work and she judges it. It's not cute or fun.

I do place most of the blame on Riordan's writing. What's that scene where Annabeth pushes Percy unexpectably off a cliff, triggering a very sensitive and dangerous encounter that he had to negotiate under time pressure while Annabeth watches? How does that scene start? "Get you a girlfriend who…" It's framed as a positive that Annabeth will just shove Percy into dangerous situations without warning when she absolutely does not have to do that. Isn't she supposed to be strategic? Why can't she think up a strategy and tell him, instead of shoving him at the problem and just, putting it on him to find a solution? "Give the problem to Percy" isn't a strategy worthy of Athena, I'm sorry. But my point is, Rick genuinely seems to think their romance is good and these red flag moments are cute and flirty. He is not writing Annabeth as an asshole on purpose.

I tend towards death of the author analyses myself, but Rick's writing is not consistent enough for that. You kinda just have to identify what he was trying to do, see where it failed, and decide how you wanna interpret that. And when it comes to Annabeth…I just want to either burn her relationship with Percy down or rewrite her character.

What else is there? Oh yeah, does anyone else feel like the way her family is written makes her seem…overdramatic? Like, meeting her dad and stepmom…it's an anticlimax. This girl was so unhappy she ran away from home as a child. She chose to become homeless in a world where monsters hunt her down, AS A CHILD, rather than stay with her dad. There's a deep unhappiness and loss to that. When she talks about it, she talks about being unwanted, a burden that her dad was unable and unwilling to handle, not being heard, not being believed. She is describing victim blaming. In that house, she, a six year old child, was seen as the problem.

And after that build up, we meet her family, and they are…well, they're fine, aren't they. Her step mom is concerned for her. She and Annabeth's dad (no i don't remember his name rn) seem to want the best for her, to help however they can. Mr Chase—is his name Frederick maybe???—Mr Chase takes the initiative, after Percy and his friends let him in on a sliver of what's going on with Annabeth, to melt down old weapons to make bullets and FLY A HELICOPTER to come save his daughter.

I'm honestly at a loss about what we're supposed to think here. At the end of Titan's Curse Percy gently suggests to Annabeth that she give her family another chance. If I recall, she says some things can't be repaired, but it's implied that she does actually try again with her family later. This always seemed to me to undermine Annabeth's entire narrative…the way she describes being treated simply does not match what we observe for ourselves in Titan's Curse.

I could go on but I'll cut it here. Maybe I'll make a post about I'd rewrite her if I could, because I do WANT to like Annabeth. There's a lot interesting that could be done with her. Probably not though bc all the Annabeth stans are gonna block me for this one I fear. Maybe I'll post my criticisms of other PJO couples instead lol (I won't. if you've read this far you'll find this claim dubious, but I actually don't enjoy being a hater. anyway i don't have nearly so much to say about any other pjo couple). Thanks for reading.

[prettieinpink]

CONFRONT, PROCESS, HEAL ♡ྀི

For everyone who has goals for 2025 to heal <3 This post is very general, so even if you think it won’t apply to you, I would still recommend skimming through it to see if anything stands out! This is a vv long post :) like 2.5k words so beware, and feel free to ask or debate anything

CONFRONTING 

TAKE A MOMENT. In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to regulate our emotions, in which it's harder for us to process what is the right thing to do. Confronting problems with overwhelming feelings, will most likely lead to us doing the less than ideal action. 

So whenever you are in a position in which your emotions are getting the best of you, fully distract yourself. Do whatever you want, as long as it just shuts your brain off. 

Then when you have cooled down, you don’t have to tackle it right away. I find that will just bring them back up to the surface again. Go at your own pace and when you are comfortable starting to process everything. 

IDENTIFY EVERYTHING. When a lot of people say this, they mean naming your emotion and what's happened to you. I think that's a very close-minded perspective, and in order to comfortably heal, we need to be aware of all factors that may have contributed to what has happened. 

For example, consider the environment, your upbringing, their upbringing, your actions, their (possible) thoughts, your attributes, their attributes etc. I know I'm a big person for not obsessing over people as it just takes away energy from what you could be putting back into yourself, but this isn't an obsession. This is you stepping away from everything and looking at the situation with a third person perspective. 

ACKNOWLEDGE IT. Another thing is that you have to acknowledge that this is your reality. I know a lot of us struggle with this, as when we’re faced with reality, we escape. Through various methods like maladaptive day-dream or just subconsciously blocking out the memories from our mind. It's okay for you to have a big reaction to it, but I definitely discourage downplaying it or ignoring it. 

Part of acknowledging is understanding that in some way or form, you will have to look back on whatever happened in order to truly get past it.

I also struggled with this, when I sit myself down, and I'm like, ‘this is the life that I’m living’, at that point you kind of realise that constantly escaping instead of acknowledging will do more harm than good. I'm saying this because the self improvement community sometimes encourages ‘ignoring’ everyone and everything which doesn’t go your way, which I don’t believe is good for your emotional health at all. Those emotions from those experiences will eventually catch up to you if you’re constantly running away from them. 

GAIN CLOSURE. If you happen to be in a situation in which it's appropriate to reach out to people who you just don’t understand their actions or what happened, then do it. Getting that closure makes it easier to let go of the situation.

If your circumstances are more complicated than that, I would roleplay. It sounds so weird, but it is just as effective. There are two ways you could go around this, the first method would be asking a friend to be xyz. It helps if they are someone who knows a lot about this situation. 

If you don’t feel comfortable telling someone all this, or maybe you don’t have someone to roleplay with, you could use chat GPT. Tell it your situation, the kind of people involved, their personalities and any other relevant information. I am anti-chat gpt, but I feel like the usage of it in this situation is for good. 

ACCOUNTABILITY. Even if you feel like you are the most perfect human being ever, its quite possible that you may have unknowingly or unwillingly played a hand in whatever happened to you. Of course, this will not apply to all situations. 

It doesn’t even have to be accountable for others’ people's actions. It can be accountability to yourself e.g ‘I saw the signs that xyz would do this, but I ignored it’ or ‘I’m sorry to myself because I allowed them to disrespect me’ or ‘My actions may have compelled them to act that way towards me’.  Accountability is a two way street. 

PROCESSING 

EVALUATE. Now that we’ve identified everything and hopefully gained some closure, evaluate the whole situation. You can do a video diary, journal or talk to a friend about it. Since everyone’s situation is going to be so different from each other, I can’t really give much advice about it. 

However, I would say, go really deep. Like, it has to be questions which make you uncomfortable to answer. If they’re too easy to answer (especially without deep thought), then you’re not digging as deep as you could go. Here’s some questions to get you started! Please do tweak where needed, as I did make these to be very general. 

Was this situation a reflection of my upbringing? If so, how are the two connected?

Were the perpetrator(s) doing this out of pure immorality, or could there be other factors that may have contributed to them doing it? 

Was I in a position in which I could’ve avoided or de-escalated the situation? Were there signs that this would happen?

Have I not healed completely from any situations in the past, and my pain from that made me carry on the same behaviours? 

Is this an emotion or situation which I’ve been avoiding? If so, why?

What would forgiveness for people who have wronged me look like? 

Did I or my community handle the situation ideally? What differences could have been made? Would those differences really would’ve affected the outcome of the situation?

Has this situation affected your thinking process, specifically when being in new environments or around new people? 

These questions are not a one-size fits all, so once again, tweak to your liking. If you would like more personalised questions, I would go to chat GPT. 

MOURN. This is your time to wail, scream, go absolutely crazy because whatever happened, still affected you. Everyone’s mourning will look different, and their reasons why will be a lot more diverse. 

I would recommend doing an activity that is high energy. I don’t mean physical activity, so if writing poems angrily is what lets you get that steam out of your system, I fully support it. And, there is no time limit whatsoever. Of course, I encourage you at one point to pick yourself up, but if months is what you need, months is what you shall get. 

Quick little disclaimer, please don’t do anything crazy that will harm you. Like overworking yourself physically, binging, not eating enough meals, lashing out at everyone etc. While it is a period to mourn, do it in a way that is actually beneficial to you. 

SOLUTION. Just because a situation or problem is ‘over’ doesn’t mean it's been solved. While this may not apply to many problems, I think some people need to hear this: You need to make the best of what you have. I know it seems so unfair that xyz has happened to you, and there is no worse feeling when you see people who’ve wronged you thrive in life or you imagine who/what you could’ve been if xyz didn’t happen to you. 

However, you have your options. You absolutely have to make the best of what you’ve got instead of dwelling on could’ve or what ifs. A solution to whatever will not be a one size fits all. For some people, it may be applying to a new skill class, having that one difficult conversation, finally going to therapy or maybe saving up money for anything that will help. I would define a solution in this instance as anything that creates or supports long-term and permanent growth to most areas of life. 

I used the word growth specifically because a lot of solutions to your problem(s)are not easy. It may feel uncomfortable, but that's why we call it growth. This journey will absolutely not be linear, and the easy way out may not be the best way out. 

For example, I really want to move schools. I’ve been in the same school since year 2, and I feel like this environment may have stunted the growth of who I could’ve been. The easy solution would’ve been to move schools, but my parents are kind of blocking that. Instead, I decided to look for new areas to grow. For example, my blog! I also put in a lot of effort into my academics at this school, because I know that I would love to study abroad and that's another solution. Another solution for me could also be joining a new club. You see where I'm going with this? 

OUTCOME. Something which I wished that someone had told me way earlier, is to ask yourself, what is the ideal outcome after you get past this? You may be like, isn’t that like what everyone says? But what nobody actually says is that your outcome will may be far from ideal. 

A part of this journey is understanding that this situation will always be a part of you, regardless of how much or little it has shaped you today. A toxic belief that I had, is when I would get past it, I would be unstoppable. I would know exactly what to do, in whatever situation, and whenever I revisit it, I never feel anything. This is so detached from reality, and a huge part of processing everything, is to understand what you want to achieve. 

I feel like the reason why I believed I would be unstoppable, is because youtubers etc really love to promote that as soon as you turn around your mindset, you’re good to go. You will never have to suffer again in life, because your mindset is so ‘good’. Your mindset could be so polished and it could actually not bother you at all, but your body will keep the score. 

You are not going for perfection, you are aiming for progress. Here are some ideas for goals/outcomes you want to achieve, feel free to tweak, choose multiple, or add more. 

Reclaim what trauma has taken back from you. 

Recover your self esteem, hope, or ability to connect with other people. 

Process whatever that has happened so that It doesn’t haunt you.

Releasing yourself out of survival mode. 

Develop healthy coping mechanisms. 

HEALING

CREATE A SUPPORT SYSTEM. Your support system will consist of people who you can trust to be vulnerable around. They will help you get through it, and will almost be like your second brain which you can use from time to time. Since they didn’t experience themselves (or maybe they did), they could offer new perspectives or advice that you wouldn’t consider due to the impact on you. 

If you are someone who doesn’t have the resources to create a support system, have a support place. Have somewhere where it's all rainbows and sparkles, and whenever you go there, you release everything. I know there’s not a lot of third spaces around, but I would recommend parks, libraries, someone else’s house, churches, youth centres or community centres. I would recommend taking something in which you can communicate to yourself in some way. 

CREATE AN EMOTIONAL FIRST AID KIT. Adding on to my last point, grab a little pouch or box and put things that will calm you down. For example, written affirmations, a prayer, reminders, lollies/candy, list of activities that you can do to calm down,a colouring book with markers, a comfort book or perhaps some money so you can get yourself a nice little comfort meal or a sweet treat.

I'm suggesting this because in the healing process, you will break down completely at least once. I find that its more likely to happen if you’re not going at a pace that is comfortable to you, and it kind of just catches up to you all again. This first aid kit will be essential to not doing anything that we will regret or falling back into unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

EDUCATE YOURSELF. Not a lot of people have easy access to therapy, and I'm aware of that. However, education of whatever happened to us (regardless of how big or small) helps you to understand your experiences and it actually becomes empowering at some point that we have the knowledge of this and how it impacts us, as that knowledge makes it easier to work through it compared to doing it blindfolded. 

While therapy is my first suggestion as its a lot more personalised, however like I said, not a lot of people have easy access to therapy. This is when I would encourage watching documentaries, youtube videos (i would be careful with this one–, i would avoid any ‘gurus’), and read articles or books.

 Whichever way you choose to educate yourself, actually take notes. I’m quite serious, it could be digital or physical notes, but at least write down anything that resonates with you. Then after you’re finished writing those notes, you’re going to treat it like its your homework. Review what you wrote down, break it down into a way that fits your situation, explain why it resonates with you, and the steps you can implement from today to make a change. 

It doesn’t stop there. Weekly, I want you to actually look back on these notes and see if perhaps your opinion has changed and if you’re actually implementing the changes into your life. It seems a bit ‘extra’ but, simply just consuming media for the sake of it, will do nothing! 

EXTRACT ALL SOURCES FROM STRESS FROM YOUR LIFE. I mean all. It doesn’t even have to be cutting off people sometimes like telling your mum that you love her but she’s too overbearing, creating a career master plan if not knowing what you’re going to do in the future stresses you out, tidying out that drawer that you’ve been neglecting etc. 

You want to make this journey as easy as possible for you. The best way to start is to make a list of everything that burdens you. Put the list on one side of the page. Then on the other side, you can list the ways you could change any of these things. 

If you’re in a situation that something stresses you out, but you can’t easily let it go, my best recommendation is to create a solution to it instead of extracting it completely. For example, my job stresses me out, but I need the money, then I would talk to whoever is in charge to help support you better. It seems scary, but asking will put you in a much better position than simply shutting up while screaming internally. 

NOURISH YOURSELF. You’ve probably heard it, but I'm going to say it again, and an unhealthy lifestyle will support an unhealthy state of mind. Go out into nature, drink water, do brisk walks everyday in the sunlight, get your daily fibre and have a healthy sleep cycle. 

Doing this in itself will help you become happier over time, but that is only if it becomes second nature. You will not magically renew after drinking 1L of water once, but you will feel the difference after doing it everyday for a month. 

SPIRITUALITY. People who have and practice strong core beliefs, are a lot happier. You get to define what spirituality means to you, because it doesn’t necessarily mean joining a religion. It could mean being really in tune with nature or it could be mindfulness everyday to get in tune with that side of you.

This one is a bit more controversial, because I don’t believe that you should join a religion out of traumatic events, but because you actually want to. So, while I do encourage you exploring that side of you, make sure you’re doing it. 

[dolliedyhard]

🔪Jeff The Killer Headcanons🔪 [PART 1]

I think is about time I posted my headcanons for him! BOY I did not plan this post to be sooooooo long, I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY OMGGG!!! I LUV HIM SO MUCH (  ੭꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)੭ ᰔ. I might have to make this into a multiple part series on my blog. These are all hc’s for adult Jeff, I have completely different ones for when he was a teen and I’ll make one for teen Jeff later on. None of these hc’s involve his relationship with Dollie or other pastas, this is all about him. All of this is SFW. Enjoy <3

‼️TW: mentions of self harm‼️

♥︎A/N: btw this is my first time making/posting hc’s so plz don’t jump me if they’re bad- (/ _ ; )

♥︎Appearance & Attributes♥︎

He’s 25 y/o

6’4

Straight

White American

Full name is Jeffery Woods. I’ve always liked his name the way it was so I’m not changing it.

Muscular and lean. He’s got more of a sleeper build tho.

Despite being lit of fire he managed to heal his hair, it’s healthy now.

He loves keeping his hair long. He’ll never CONSIDER cutting it short. His hair is one of his favorite parts of himself.

He for certain wants his hair to be down to his waist one day

Hair type is 1c

Jeff’s hair is naturally brown. When the “incident” happened the fire made his hair temporarily black. (Ik that’s not how real logic works but cmon let me have fun >:c)

After a few months his hair went back to brown

Now he dyes his hair black bc he prefers it that way.

His tattoos don’t mean anything, he just got them because he thought they were cool.

He smells like incense and ash most of the time.

If he decided to finally wash his clothes then he smells like clean laundry.

He doesn’t wear cologne, he’s never cared for it.

He showers like twice a week. For the rest of the week he just wipes himself down this a cloth.

At least he uses a soap cloth (oh thank GOD)

When “the incident” happened his face scars would constantly bleed and wouldn’t close.

It was really sensitive and if he smiled or laughed to hard it would gush out again.

It took multiple years for the wound to permanently close.

It’s completely healed now it’s just deformed skin

The scars on his body are from fights, him doing stupid shit or self harm.

He’s not hairy, some underarm hair but that’s all

His veins are most visible in his forearms and hands

I don’t have a voice claim for him (YET!) but his voice is pretty deep and it has a raspy sound to it

He has dark circles under his eye from staying up for days at end

He got some sharp ass canine teeth. In my AU he got bit by a vampire. He didn’t get turned into one bc the transformation was stopped right after his vamp fang came in.

Warm to the touch. Doesn’t matter what season it is, his body manages to retain a significant amount of body heat.

His skin is very pale due to lack of sunlight and frequent blood loss.

♥︎Personality♥︎

When meeting him for the first time he comes off as an asshole.

He insults everyone and it’s hard to hell if he’s joking or not.

And if he’s really pissed he’ll get REAL creative with the insults.

Swears like a sailor

He’s distant and off putting to people that aren’t in his circle.

He loves showing off and will do it no matter what. Even if the circumstances are dangerous.

Jeff loves stroking his ego, it’s so obnoxious but he could care less.

Lowkey thinks he better than everyone

LAWD he’s handsome and he knows it

Doesn’t care about ur personal space

Will creep up on u to whisper shit in ur ear to scare you. And other stuff like that.

Gives people the nastiest stares of all time. And I dare u too say something to him about it, he’ll square TF UP.

Says some really offensive shit but he doesn’t care if you get upset because of it.

And he’ll say it loud and proud no matter how much of a dumbass he looks like saying it.

Jeff’s one of the most defiant proxies in the mansion

He listens to NO ONE and hates more than anything to be bossed around.

Though he partially listens to Slenderman, yk, bc he has to so he can live in the mansion. Masky too bc he’s Slenderman’s right hand man.

Can’t laugh like a normal person to save his life

Like he’s literally out of breath, red face, everything

“How do I befriend him?!?” I hear you say

Like I said before he loves his ego being satisfied so u could just blow smoke up his ass.

But to him you’ll be more like a “fan” than a friend.

And he will just use you for his benefit. He’ll step all over u since you’ve shown ur willing to be submissive to him ＿|￣|○

Show him you’re not to be fucked with but not to be intimidated by.

For Jeff it’s more about if you guys get along and have a good time together than having the same interests.

Jeff only plays favorites if he has a crush on you

Oh boy is he one petty motherfucker… He holds grudges over anything with anyone and is very vengeful.

He’s quick to temper too. He’ll go into a rage induced episodes and they can last for days at a time.

That’s due to his IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) and just him being a fucked up person.

He also has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

He’s not trying to manage his IED by being more laidback and comedic but that’s not really helping.

Not a big fan of animals. So if you were to ask him what is fav animal was he wouldn’t say any.

♥︎Interests♥︎

Wannabe lead guitarist

He’s not good enough to be the lead but his ego says otherwise.

He owns a sick ass guitar tho

Started out being emo in his early teens, now he’s more of a metal head.

(I don’t know much about nu-metal or any metal at ALL so I can’t rlly say who his favs are. SORRY IM AN EMO FUCK AT HEART OKAY???)

Listens to goth music occasionally too

Loves going to concerts no matter who’s performing

If you happen to bring up a band he’s seen live before he will 100% without fail say “I saw them live at _!” And will proceed to info dump about what went down.

Even worse if they were in their prime when he went.

Fashion wise he dresses alternative but it’s nothing fancy.

A band tee + hoodie or jacket, jeans, shoes (cons, or boots), for accessories belt and some spikes bracelets. That’s about it :v

And yes he does consider his piercings as accessories.

Paints his nails black on special occasions

Likes to collect weird stuff

His biggest collection is of knifes

Some of them are ornamental and some he actually uses to kill

He gets the money to fuel his collection off the dead bodies of his victims

Also has a strange fascination with history

Specifically historical torture methods & atrocities

Sometimes he uses the same torture methods he learned about on his victims.

HUGE HORROR NERD

He collects dvds of slasher & horror movies

And of course you can’t forget about the vintage TV to play them on!

He’s not a fan of snuff films or gore videos

It just takes out the art out of film making. Why should he watch uninspired shock gore for 0% satisfaction when he can go cause it for 100% satisfaction?

♥︎Killing♥︎

To Jeff killing is something he does for 3 things. Survival, satisfaction, and emotional regulation.

Once he’s got you in his grasp you won’t make it out alive.

Jeff commits the worst murders when he’s having a IED or BPD episode.

He’s not a kidnapper type serial killer

He likes to get the job done by the end of the day at the longest

He loves the taste of blood and often licks it off his knife

He thinks he can train himself to be able to taste the differences between blood types.

He just likes inflicting pain on complete strangers, it’s thrilling to him.

And it’s usually not a stab and go kill, when he first started out that’s how it was bc it was more for survival.

Now Jeff has the taste for blood. And he’s got some horrifyingly creative ways to extract it.

Nowadays you’ll be lucky if it’s a stab and go. His goal is to make sure u feel the agony, every. second. of. it.

He would never consider hurting someone close to him, that would severely fuck with him.

Since the murder of his family he has no one. So he cherishes the few people close to him a lot more than he used to.

He’s never had any regrets about any of the many murders he has committed.

The one and only time he’s ever felt bad about inflicting violence on someone is his older brother Liu.

♥︎Vices♥︎

Jeff is a regular smoker (hence why he smells like ash)

He’s able to blow different shapes out of smoke

Prefers cigarettes over anything else

Hates vapes tho, he think they make you look like a massive pussy.

He’ll flat out refuse to fw you if you whip out your fruity-tuti flavored e-stick when yall go on a smoke break.

Jeff’s not a big drinker

Drinking just ups his already high sex drive to the max and he acts like a complete idiot when he’s drunk. Then after all that his hangover is fucking hell.

At the most he’ll get a bit tipsy cause the boost in arousal makes sex tenfold better.

Jeff’s never done any hard drugs and doesn’t care to.

Who needs a drug addiction when you have a murder addiction?

Okay so about the self harm earlier…

♥︎A/N: Btw in my au Jeff had a much shitter life than the og Jeffery Woods so all of this with context makes sense.

Jeff doesn’t s/h anymore but did it heavily in his teens before he went crazy.

His life was genuinely a miserable hellscape that was picking at his sanity and at every turn it only got worse.

His mother and father didn’t care about him at all. The only person that actually cared and loved Jeff was Liu. But Liu rarely showed any affection towards Jeff so it didn’t really matter how Liu felt about him.

No one knew what Jeff was doing to himself up until he ended up in the hospital with the gashes on his cheeks.

You have reached the end. TYSM FOR READING!!!

I hope you enjoyed reading my headcanons, and I will be doing more hc’s in the future for other creepypastas.

Stay frosty❄️ BAIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!

[featherspiral]

Hi again! Fan of Chara here!

Do you think Chara still cared about Asriel and his family despite theIR love for efficiency and maximizing everything?

They did say in the newsletter that once they became invincible, "nothing can hurt anyone anymore."

Just love to hear your thoughts if it's no trouble at all.

oou interesting question!! thank you very much I looove when ppl ask me about characters teehee

I actually draw chara a bit more charitable than I actually see them, tbh..

the way I interpret it is that chara DID care for the family, certainly. someone who doesn't care doesn't make a pink "mr dad guy" sweater, assuming that was made by them lawl, but also... I don't think chara was the nicest individual tbh. I always thought the small bits of characterization we get of them before death is very indicative of someone who probably wasn't treated very well, and thus has warped perceptions of what a loving environment should be and how to reciprocate these things

specifically, in the true lab, even though we don't know directly what they say, the tapes very much imply that they probably belittled asriel for things like crying, showing weakness (which certainly did NOT help his mindset down the line) and that they seem to bring his faith in them into question as a way to goad him on when he showed hesitation ->

not that I'm on the "chara popped out a villainous monster" train ofc, I very much think these things are even more evidence they didn't have the best life ever on the surface. and that's pretty much confirmed with asriels dialogue from the pacifist ending where he says chara "hated humanity" and climbed the mountain for an "unhappy reason"

and speaking of that dialogue, I think it very strongly implies that the reason chara made asriel pick up their body and bring it to the surface was because they knew he didn't want to do this, and wanted to force him into a self defense situation. I know that sounds like an unfairly cruel analysis, but there isn't really any other reason we would've been given that information in the way we were, just like.. narratively speaking. I believe that they either DID want to actually free monsterkind, or, less charitably, destroy the humans they held a grudge against (i could accept this either way because i dont think the core reasoning is actually integrally important to how the events ended up playing out, and its fun to keep things flexible here). in any case, I believe they definetly prioritized the plan over asriels safety, which isn't all that surprising considering they prioritized it over their own life.

overall I think their drive for efficiency and getting stronger is a product of the more than likely poor environment they came from, and maybe they want that strength to ensure some kind of safety for themself or the ones they love (nothing can hurt you anymore, nothing can hurt anyone anymore etc etc...). I think that whole attribute is a sort of vessel through which they show how they care, but it gets twisted into something more heartless through the genocide run. anyway this is long as hell. my god

[sairenharia]

LA Sonic and Fuzzy Radiation

More thinky thoughts on the weirdness of Hedgehogs and Chaos Energy.

Brought to you by, of all things, a jokey scene.

Tom and Maddie are changing and don't even know it.

So, I do get the joke. The joke is that Tom and Maddie now have so much time and energy to do a ton of hobbies now that all three of their boys are out of the house and sure! That makes sense! Sometimes parents need a break from kids because they are a lot!

But also the boys have been gone, what? At very most maybe two days. And the very start of that time, they were camping and doing s'mores, so even if went home right away, that's still a few hours down from traveling, but also probably sleeping. So they didn't even have that full time just from where they were.

And in that time, they were baking, knitting, puzzles, models, ventriloquism, where they are getting supplies, learning what they don't know, and getting a custom puppet. This is A Lot of stuff to do and that is the joke.

But what if its NOT simply a joke.

Because there is another thing to consider.

Tom didn't die when Shadow thought he was a man he very much wanted to kill. His life was at risk. Shadow used chaos energy in that punch.

And sure, maybe it was a wish with the Master Emerald, or maybe its a sign of something else going on. Maybe Shadow's self doubts were that strong even with someone he felt betrayed him specifically.

Namely the fact Tom and Maddie are around Sonic and Knuckles all the time.

We knows the quills the boys shed can be used for power. They are unlimited energy, but they can specifically grant certain attributes. Sonic's quills, if utilized properly, can grant speed to keep UP with him. Word of God says that it was Shadow's quill that kept Gerald alive and mobile at his age, and Shadow from the games is known to be immortal and perfect health. There may also be word that Robotnik got up to his usual energy so fast in movie 3 thanks to a boost form Sonic's. Those using Knuckles quills have shown great strength and stopping power.

Quills are a concentrated battery of their power, but what if the quills are just that. They're a battery, that can be pulled away from Sonic, Knuckles, and Shadow, but those three are still GENERATORS.

And we know in extreme circumstances, that energy can still explode out into EMPs in a huge way, but what if they leak out in smaller ways all the time. In the Prequill comic, Tails was trying to track down Sonic's chaos energy. Which, to be detected from literal planets away, there has to be some ambient release of it to even be picked up.

It could even go a long way in explaining a few things that could be just suspension of disbelief, but maybe there is a reason for it.

The concern about speedsters is while THEY can move how they want, those speeds could harm other people. But Sonic isn't giving people whiplash when he moves them, which could be his aura of chaos energy extending out to protect those people unless he WANTS them to hurt. Chaos energy does react to emotions, after all.

The three boys fall to the Earth and while the ring does change their trajectory, they still fell a long while through the atmosphere and still hit the ground pretty hard and while we know Sonic is durable, we have yet to see Tails with extreme durability, no chaos energy, and he, unlike Sonic, had to hold his breath in space. Even if he can take more than humans, he hasn't shown the reason why the other three Mobians are known to be as powerful as they are.

But Tails would probably know about the protection of ambient chaos energy generators.

And while they hit the ground hard, they hit the ground hard with KNUCKLES. Who can take a lot of punishment.

When every quill, every single one, is an unlimited power generator, that all remain connected even with distant and time, that is a lot of energy moving between sources to seemingly no effect.

Unless there is an effect.

What if Tom and Maddie were able to do so many hobbies and felt so bored after only so little time because they've been around Sonic for one to two years. Sonic who was around them quite a bit if the Prequill comic shows how severe his separation anxiety is, it probably took him months before he was okay not being around one of them for extended amount of time.

And without stimulation, they did what Sonic did and started doing hobbies at a faster speed, and experience the kind of boredom speedsters do, just at a smaller scale.

The changes aren't so dramatic that they know its happening.

But I think it is happening. The longer they're around Sonic and Knuckles, the faster they're getting, the stronger they're getting, and so is Tails.

Hell, maybe the reason Gerald and so many soldiers survived that explosion that killed Maria is because they had been around Shadow longer and soaked up more chaos energy during the experiments than Maria did.

It would also make those who use chaos energy more valuable. If Sonic's very presence around people for extended periods of time could make an army faster, well, that is something worth hoarding away, even if they couldn't effectively use his quills.

Chaos energy is transformative. Chaos energy lashes out. Chaos energy reacts SO strongly to bonds.

So why would chaos energy only work for the body its contained in as the default?

No, the more around chaos Tom, Maddie, and Tails are, the more they're going to start experiencing the benefits that Sonic, Knuckles, and Shadow do, even if it takes time for it all to build up.

(It does also pose the idea that the longer Shadow is around people...well, some people just might aging slower. Or stop aging at all after a certain point.)

[vikcacao]

Omg ELABORATE ON THE COURTING WHAT DOES MEGUMI EXPECTTTTTTT

This is going to be very long since I have several thoughts about mermaid romance (obviously since I'm writing a fic about it)

Courting is everything before marriage. There are two events that signify Marriage:

a) When a couple decides to join one pod together and/or leave their original pods to create one of their own (alongside one or two more couples).

OR

b) When a couple decides to make and/or adopt children. This is commonly also done with event a, but couples living in two separate pods that closely neighbor each other may still have children while remaining in their individual pods. This is uncommon, since couples have a desire to live with one another.

Before courting begins there is the expected symptoms of someone having a crush, like wanting to be around someone all the time, excessive touching, mild flirting, etc

In heterosexual pairs, courting can be initiated by either sex. In most merfolk cultures, there is no gender/sex stereotype when it comes to who asks out who. Homosexual pairs don't face this nonexistent problem lmao.

For ease of understanding, the party doing the courting will be dubbed "Party A" and the party being courted will be dubbed "Party B"

There are four stages of courting: Introductory (first), Mirrored (second), Committed (third), and Engagement (fourth). After engagement comes marriage.

First Stage - Introductory

The "asking out" stage, or what we commonly think of courting when it comes to animals like birds. Displays of affection and proposals for a relationship from one party to another.

Common courting behaviors (these behaviors vary from culture to culture, but these belong to Megumi's culture):

Gift Giving - Self explanatory. Typically is done to show that the individual in Party A knows Party B intimately enough to give satisfactory gifts. Gifts like trinkets and all forms of art.

Displaying - Where an individual displays physical attributes (like what birds that dance do). This could be showing off their body or showing off their athletic capabilities. This shows Party A can provide protection to Party B and/or possible children, and/or that they'd be physically satisfying to the other.

Submission - Typically only done when Party A as demonstrated being physically bigger and/or stronger than Party B (examples being Yuuji carrying around a 300 gallon fish tank full of water, and fully supporting a roughly 400 pound Megumi off the ground). Acting overly subservient displays Party A's willingness to be loyal and completely trusting to Party B (and may also be because I like service tops lmfao).

Possessiveness - Like most human cultures, showing too much possessiveness and too soon is a red flag, possessiveness commonly only occurs when Party B is being pursued by multiple Party As. It stems from the desire to outcompete others, and is shows off the dedication and commitment Party A has for Party B.

Second Stage - Mirrored

The Mirrored stage of courting occurs when Party B starts to return courting behavior, displaying acts outlines in the first stage. This is commonly also the early dating phase of merfolk couples, like spending exclusive time together and getting to know each other on a more than platonic level.

Third Stage - Committed

The Committed stage is much like a toned down Mirrored stage, it is also when exclusivity is communicated to third parties, and much more intimate acts (ex: kissing, cuddling, intercourse, affection, etc) are performed.

Other pod members become aware that neither individual in the couple is eligible for courting, and will "fight" off individuals who attempt to court anyway.

This is commonly the longest stage, commonly averaging a few years.

Fourth Stage - Engagement

When the couple starts to discuss Marriage either in terms of changing pod formation and/or making/adopting children. If either one of the traits of Marriage is being discussed, then the couple is in the Engagement stage.

Once either one of the traits of Marriage is actually performed, then the couple is married. Marriage is commonly paired with some sort of ceremony either before or after the traits are done.

I WILL SAY that Yuuji has displayed two traits of courting accidently, that being Gift Giving (giving his clothes), and Displaying (being a hunk and being super strong. As well as freeing Megumi from the fish tank). I do plan for Yuuji to also display Submission later in the fic, because I think it fits his character and I want to write that dynamic.

This was super fun to answer, since I doubt I could find a way to seamlessly explain all of this in the fic without it being super obvious I just wanted to info dump

[hoiststowline]

mindless touches & other sentiments + envy/jeaousy hc's [hoist edition!]

[a/n: all thanks to @drabbletron ‘s wonderful idea to put ‘em both together🫶]

hoist is probably the number one offender of mindless touches, certainly someone who doesn't realize he's doing it at all. he's not even vaguely aware of the fact he's drawing circles across your back, just an immediate reaction upon coming in arms reach to his s/o. it's meant to be a comforting gesture for both you and himself, it eases the tension from your shoulders the same way it relaxes his frame. it's also the sort of thing that could put you right to sleep, with how soft and gentle his motions are, its a soothing action of endearment. hoist probably doesn't register your sleepiness until he catches your poorly stifled yawns, though they still escape you anyways. it's a calming touch, yet an entrancing one too.

he isn't a chatterbox, but he's one of the most earnest listeners. hoist can remember something you said two weeks ago, offering up the information nonchalantly as if he just happened to commit it to memory. no big deal. yet, the way you look at him with a mix of utter shock and impressiveness makes his voicebox hitch. anything you say in conversation with him, casually or not, he's listening. hoist is all but too familiar with the feeling of inattentiveness, and wants his s/o to feel that they could tell him anything and everything. he's very observant as well, noticing and picking up on all of your nuisances. there's no use in trying to pull a fast one on him, he can tell straight away if you're being dishonest, whether it be how you're feeling health-wise or emotionally.

hoist instantly smiles whenever he sees his s/o. you can't see it, nobody does, but it's a change of demeanor that is rather potent, at least to him. he is just so genuinely happy to see his s/o, particularly after a long day or a period of time spent apart. hoist has come to enjoy short acts of affection, hugs especially. casual pda is more his speed, mostly things similar to light touches, primarily to your arm or a knee. it's come to be a wordless and silent conversation, tapping at each other until he hits a ticklish spot. then you're laughing until your cheeks hurt and hoist is too enthralled by your laughter to stop.

-

a jealous hoist does exist, but it is stored so far into his psyche that he mistakes it for being inadequate. he's felt a loneliness and disconnect for a long time, so seeing his s/o interact in a friendly manner with others, it takes a while to process privately. he would never call anybody out on it, it's self-brooding that buries him until he simply cannot take it anymore. it's internal conflict, hoist knows his s/o and is confident as well as fully aware that nothing is occurring. but even that inner reassurance sometimes isn't enough, fearful he's watching someone he loves so dearly slip through his fingers at an unstoppable rate. it's a temporary blindness, the uneasy thoughts never last very long, but they do arrive unannounced.

once he brings it up with his s/o, he realizes it's jealousy after it's all said aloud. it's alarmingly childish and he can't believe he hadn't perceived it sooner, or else he would have brushed it off and never bothered you with it. hoist fully comprehends he has nothing to be intimidated by, but there is always that notion that nags him that he isn't good enough for you. that there's someone out there that deserves you and all your wonderful attributes, that he's only weighing you down. you don't take to that kindly, hopeful to ease his melancholy by any means necessary. envy is a feeling so closely associated with inferiority, principally among his peers. to feel and to be someones first choice is such a overwhelming but wonderful sensation, filled with so much love. after talking it through, he can understand why such discontent arose, but is now better suited it combat it.

[rogerbarel]

I'm extremely emotional all the time about how Roger and Alfons are such easy, excellent foils for each other that only become more thematically intertwined the more you learn about them.

long post, unedited so it's probably disjointed and my observations may be totally banal OR pretentious and reaching idk, spoilers for both their routes (and a brief mention of late into Liam’s and Elbert’s) and possibly some events

They're a pair of insufferable, teasing, hedonistic, hard-drinking men with... questionable consent practices. That's how I'm gonna word that for the sake of not getting derailed. Anyway. They both couch their care for others in self-serving language (although that's not exclusive to them--Jude and Harry do it, too) and overall present themselves as selfish people. They're opposed in taste--beer vs whiskey, dogs vs cat, "refined" vs "rough" (although neither term encompasses them so well). They piss each other off but can't seem to totally detach from each other.

The contrast is immediate but gets emphasized even further in how they value their lives and whether or not they believe they can change their fates.

Alfons is resigned to tragedy and values nothing (or at least tries not to). He is ephemeral and meaningless, only temporarily holding whatever value others see in him, which really says more about them than him. It doesn't feel quite right to say that Alfons's life should neither add nor detract anything from this world--more, it's like any impact that Alfons makes needs to be easily attributable to someone else. Or maybe not? He's so quick to tell the robin to place responsibility for all their encounters on him... And a person you'll eventually forget makes a perfect scapegoat because the grudge and the pain can die with him.

Perhaps as a mirror, he aims to show you the happiest parts of yourself while letting your woes vanish in the mirror with him. And things get wonky when he finds himself with desires, wanting to reach out and mark you rather than finding amusement in just reflecting you.

(I'd like to see him paired in an event with Will and Ellis. Someone who pushes you to be the fullest "you" and someone who places your happiness above all else [or at least attempts to], who all fight with how their own desires conflict with what they otherwise want for you, and how that causes them Emotional Problems. But I'm not a Will or Ellis expert so don't ask me to elaborate on that. Hell, I'm not even an Alfons expert. I'm not an expert on anything! I make Harrison Greyglogabgalab memes and draw Roger’s giant tits!!)

Then there's Roger on his quest to best fate. He can't stop, he can't die. He has to value his life because he's the one doing all this important work! His life is what keeps it going! Nothing is hopeless--it's bleak, but never hopeless--unless he gives up. He is not going out of his way to please, he is here to get what he wants. It might align with what you want, and maybe making you happy is what'll make him happy in this moment, but he can't lose sight of his own priorities. He pisses Al off so much partly because he’s so stubbornly dedicated to finding a way to preserve Al’s personhood/history when Al has long decided to live his days as if he will ultimately be unpersoned. It doesn’t matter what Alfons says, Roger has decided that this is happening anyway. (Although tbf, if he did find a way to eliminate curses, he probably wouldn’t force Al to take it. So he’s not entirely disrespecting his agency. Neither man is 100% consistent in being other-oriented or self-oriented, which I like, because humans are the same way. And I like my characters especially selfish and messy.)

Where Alfons has to learn to figure out a life that centers him-as-person and not him-as-mirror, Roger has to decide where love/another person fits into a life and self that he thought he had very definitively shaped around himself and his pursuits. (That being said, I don't think he was particularly averse to the idea of it changing since he egged the robin on so much in her quest to prove to him that love is real. He also admits in one of his epilogues that he suppressed a desire for companionship. Iirc, it was because he felt he needed to be strong on his own, but it's been a while, so I could totally be wrong on that one.)

I think it's very cool that the hedonist's life is built around everybody else (I would not call this agape or selfless love, or even pathological people pleasing... just an absence of an idea of what to do with himself) while the doctor is always thinking about his own priorities. A little irony!

I also want to chew a little bit eventually on how they both come onto the robin at the end of other routes and how other characters receive that. Elbert specifies lategame (can’t remember which of his endings) that he doesn’t think Alfons would steal the robin away from him because Alfons is typically someone who gives others what they want, not takes what he wants. Whereas he wants her to stay several steps away from Roger at all times. He knows that Roger won’t fuck with his bodily autonomy like past doctors, but he does NAWT trust him with his girl. Idk if I’d say Roger has the least regard for other members of Crown’s wants vs his own, but he at least presents himself as Mr. Steal Yo Girl in at least Liam and Alfons’s endings (I think both blind love epilogues). I’m still deciding how sincere he was either of those times or if he had some ulterior motive. It’s not that I don’t think he could be a total dick, I’m just not totally convinced he’d fuck over Liam or Alfons that brazenly when he seems to care about them in his own “I will never say it” way. And he must have known that Liam was in earshot, that he’d hear Roger hitting on the robin and her rejecting him without hesitation/reaffirming her love for Liam… Still sitting on the stuff with Alfons because it’s possible he thinks that Alfons is too flawed to be her lover, but… idk, he’s been searching for a way to break the boy’s curse for twenty goddamn years, it feels forced for him to talk about Al so callously. Idk! I could be delusional! But it’s fishy to meeee!1

But yeah. Especially with their shared history, it's hard not to view them as a pair. They’re also a lot of fun together; they had me rooooolling in Harry’s aphrodisiac event. Try to distance yourselves from each other all you want, you are on the same! Bullshit!

I've also noticed that a couple people, myself included, seem to have really strong opposing reactions to the two of them (although Alfons has really grown on me), and I'm always curious what the reason for it is because imo they're two sides of the same coin, two peas in a sleazy pod.

Idk what to make of this, I just wanted to ramble about how the parallels between the two run deeper than surface level and how exciting I find that. I love them. Thanks for reading. Please feel free to add to any of this or refute anything I’ve said, I’m really just thinking out loud. Gotta use the ol’ brain every once in a while to make sure it still runs.

[murderofsomeone]

it's probably decently obvious that my main lemon demon design was created BEFORE seeing any fandom depictions (or even really that much official art past the logo) because of how violently he stands out in comparison to other designs. it's a little obvious that my inspiration was self-contained and it granted me a bit of creative freedom along with a completely different train of thought while designing him. his three eyes however is very much a relic of 2022 because I was designing a lot of demons with asymmetrical faces at the time and well, why not make another

anyway here's a comparison of him to my most recent lemon demon original design (where it's a bit more obvious I was influenced by somewhat of a fandom culture)

extra bonus rambling under the cut

my general design process has actually stayed relatively contained with a few exceptions like soft fuzzy man's color and weirdly neil himself. yeah sorry chat neil is the first guy that was highly influenced by someone else's design you can shoot me too if you'd like. but I legitimately believe he's the only real example because every other character that has a design remotely similar to someone else is likely due to us both following a similar source material (like my cabinet design being based off polybius) or there being only so many ways to interpret the design (gef the mongoose would've fallen into this category if it wasn't for the fact I made him Joker colors)

in general I tend to follow a mindset of how "weird" I can make a design or how much I can push a lyric/implement it into a design. I also like to twist around the convention and try new things. a good example of both of these apply to my doctor amnesia design.

really the main things going through my head were "well he didn't state HOW many eyes", chosing an eye color that often is overlooked in conventional beauty standards to elevate them and cause you to think, while leaning into the somewhat otherworldly nature she's depicted in by giving her blue skin, a color I associate with the song.

another fun thing I'll do is create a "design pipeline" where I'll take an attribute and run it through a list of connections before we end up in a place long past where we started or just combining a bunch of traits that could be interpreted that way, resulting in designs like this.

though wolfgang isn't my weirdest design, he definitely did not start where we ended off. I believe before the wizard of oz theming for clown circus was set in stone (a choice that has EVERYTHING to do with oz explodes and an element I'll explain later), he was some kinda mirror object head that had absolutely nothing to do with his current namesake. since I wasn't satisfied with that design, I kept a relative aspect of the personality and shapes and thus ended up creating a really interesting take on a character who is largely depicted as... well there's no really good way to say this, but Bad.

since I was working with a new fresh aspect I started by making him a wolf... and then connecting him to "there's a robot in my head". this kind of connected the dots to ultimately make him associated to the tin man, since no one was connected to that character for the wizard of oz element and it was up for grabs (this is also how he somehow got associated with toasters via connecting the previously mentioned song to "what's in the toaster", etc etc). these pipelines of connecting songs that aren't normally related, but making them Work in a believable way makes designs more interesting for me and gives them a bit more purpose and personality. I think this is what ultimately makes people get a bit lost on my interpretations considering they aren't super simple by just being about One Song, but by being about multiple that aren't originally related in the source material. just like how I connected dr amnesia to when he died, explaining a bit of her more mildly supernatural or off-putting elements by making the man in that song her father.

the final real design element that I focus on is the strange rule I follow in terms of how these characters are shaped. there's a massive sort of "alice in wonderland" theming going on in terms of how human/humanoid designs look in contrast to designs that look less and less human. their proportions become more cartoon and shaped, their sizes are affected etc etc all while the human/humanoid characters stay relatively normal next to each other with more believable design elements.

here's the horrid long strip of nearly 100 different character renders next to each other to get a general idea on what I'm talking about

the silhouettes of the human characters "pop" less because they're supposed to contrast to their nonhuman counterparts. which isn't something I normally do, but given the source idea of a sort of "wonderland", I think it works in this specific context.

in conclusion: I'm design autistic and like to use designing to try new things, which is why I fucked that lemon up. sorry about that chat

[insert-random-account-name]

Analyze the Princess- The Witch

The Witch’s fame can be mostly attributed to her companion route, the Thorn, which is quite possibly the fan favorite. Of course, the Witch is well loved too, captivating people with her creature-like behavior, but most of the time, when you hear about her, it’s in reference to the Thorn. The Witch is one of the characters to change the most in her Chapter 3 iterations, with little of her crafty and taunting personality making it through. It is very easy to get in a pitfall with the Witch, since the choices that seem to be good wind up bad, and the obviously bad choices lead to a happier ending. Her route is intentionally designed to mess with your head, but unfortunately, people fail to realize that, and instead get frustrated that the person they stabbed in the back isn’t eager to be friends. The Witch is the perfect rival to the Voice of the Opportunist.

You get the Witch by entering the basement in Chapter 1 without a knife, attempting to free the Princess, but eventually betraying her once the knife appears in the basement. You can also get her by retrieving the blade, finding her severed arm in the basement, and inspecting it without closing the door first. This leads to a shifty Princess whose actions conflict with her words. You got so close to freeing her, then changed your mind last minute. If you’re willing to play that kind of game, how can she ever trust you again? The Witch plays, not in her own best interests, but in the interest of having her revenge. She will not be the bigger person. She will drag you down in the dirt and kick your shins. If she gets even half the chance to make you feel what she felt, she will take it, even if it means dying herself. The Witch doesn’t trust in anyone ever, no matter the situation. Her constant attempts to outsmart you lead to her actions being unreliable and, in some cases, nonsensical. 

The Witch’s route represents revenge, but also; hate. In this chapter, you get to understand the true damage when you live by “An eye for an eye”. Despite the knowledge that she cannot escape without you, the Witch will still gladly kill you or lock you up forever, because she hates you and all that you are. She throws away what could be her last chance of freedom because she can’t rest until the scales are even. The Witch savors the feeling of pain and death, as long as you are there, suffering beside her. She relishes the thought of worms feasting on your corpse, since, in her eyes, it is what you deserve. This kind of hatred is self-destructive. It is all-consuming. And in the end, all the Witch is left with is the bitter irony that she hurt herself as much as she hurt you. Or, if she locks you in the basement, the fear of someone she hurt coming face to face with her once again. 

But what happens when she does get revenge? I’m not going too deep into this one, since it ties into the Thorn, but if you let the Witch take her anger out on you, she finds the victory less sweet than she imagined. The triumph quickly fades away as she realizes that the win was handed to her on a silver platter. How can she keep hating you when you let her kill you? And if she doesn’t hate you, what else does she have?

Finally, if you attempt to slay her, she is thrilled. The Witch wants nothing more than to fight again, only this time, she’s ready. What she despises most is being deceived. A fight is the only way she can ensure your honesty. A fight lets her hate you out loud, rather than hiding behind a truce until she can backstab you. However, this cycle of violence and revenge that’s being perpetuated traps you, in quite the literal sense, as the roots of the cabin slowly close in, forcing both of you to die as wretchedly as you lived. The Witch’s chapter is deceptive, with a righteous heart.

Other parts:

The Razor The Stranger The Damsel The Prisoner The Tower The Witch The Spectre

(If you like my yapping, check out my other analyses. There's one for the voices here and my one for the narrator here)

[dsycop]

WHO TALKS SHIT ABOUT YOU ?

PILE 1 : 2 people talk shit about you. A man and a woman. But the man's energy is more dominant. This person didn't get what they wanted from you, and it hurt this person's ego. He's extremely toxic. This person is a very shitty person. This person feels rejected by you. You may have shattered this person's "fake" self-esteem. This person may not see no as an answer. He may be jealous of your love life. This person thinks, "If I can't have you, no one can." He doesn't want someone else to come into your life and he doesn't want you to be happy with someone else, and this thought may be making him very angry. This person's sexual attraction to you is also very high. You're making this person's dick hard. This person is really obsessed with you and doesn't want you to be happy without them. This person is sending you negative energy. ( protect yourself 🛡) This person is very unhappy and wants you to be on the same level as him. This person feels a huge deficit. This person needs therapy.

The woman who talks shit about you is a very stupid person. This person may be comparing themselves to you. She's very insecure. This person is someone who feels inadequate. This person does not feel happy and peaceful. This person is someone who can't get what they want from the other masculine energy. This person wants to take your place. She wants to get attention like you. This person may be trying to look like you (especially in terms of appearance), this person is aware that the masculine energy wants you, and this makes them very uncomfortable. This person has been waiting for the masculine energy to forget you for a long time. This person thinks that you and masculine energy have a fateful connection, but they don't want it to happen.

WHAT THEY SAY: First of all, these people are stalking you. They were never pleased to see you happy and peaceful. You have abundance and you attract good things into your life, and these people attribute this to the fact that you are with a rich man. According to them, you have money because a rich man provides you with it. At the same time, they say that you don't care about love, you don't care about money. Your growth and healing of your emotional wounds has irritated these people (especially masculine energy) and they think you are in love with that rich man. And this causes a lot of pain to masculine energy. These people are constantly talking about you. Intentionally or unintentionally, they may be psychically attacking you. I suggest you protect yourself. 🛡🛡🛡🛡🛡

Significant Messages : "Obsessive","Self love", "Sl4t", 9, green, "Golddigger", phone.

SONGS :

Ellie Goulding - Love me like you do

Ariana Grande - Greedy

PILE 2 : This person is a woman. This person talks shit about you because she has eyes on your man. This is similar to pile 1, but this person is more aggressive. This person may want to beat you up. You may have really bothered her a lot. She has pure hatred for you. She wants you out of the way. This person may be texting some people. This person wants you to break up with whoever you're with. (If you're not in a relationship, the person they like may like you.) This person may fall in love with masculine energy and wants to share these feelings. She doesn't want to hide her feelings anymore.

WHAT THEY SAY: Here I divide it into 2 groups. Group 1, if you currently have a lover, this person says that you are cheating on your lover and you are talking to other men and is trying to spread this rumor. Group 2, if you don't have a lover, this person says you're flirting with multiple men at the same time and they're all using you (?). And this person says that you are a stupid woman. This person wants things they say about you to spread. She wants the masculine energy to hear these. This person wants not only the masculine energy she likes, but all masculine energies to be alienated and disgusted by you. She wants to see you sad.

Significant Messages : "send nudes", glory, winner, bastard, flashes, toxic, power, "watch me", health.

SONGS :

Demi Lovato - Heart Attack

Beyonce - Jolene

PILE 3 : If you're a woman, a man talks shit about you, if you're a man, a woman talks shit about you. This person feels stuck and is looking for help. You are out of this person's life. This person may be currently suffering from anxiety and money related problems. If you are a man, this person may have problems with fertility. This person can't accept you left them. After you left his / her life, his / her life was not the same as before. This person has options, but they want you. They had relationships after you, but he / she couldn't feel happy.

WHAT THEY SAY: He says you left him because of the money. He says you're immature. This person says you have an onlyfans account. He / She says you want to make money the easy way. This person also says that you are isolating yourself to avoid attracting attention. This person is saying that you are the reason your relationship ended.

Significant Messages : "move on", 12, nudes, wishing bad, flowers, "I'm holding on to you", "don't care", 4.

SONGS :

Selena Gomez - Heart wants what it wants

Harry styles - As it was

Limi - Best I ever had

[kalamity-jayne]

Sorry for asking but I am a cis male teenager (well, I thought I was.) but lately I have realized I think I might be a trans girl? I am very scared to drop my masculinity. How did you find out you were trans if that’s okay to ask?

Of course it's ok! I am always happy to help someone who is questioning their gender. However, this is actually a pretty loaded question, because while there is a lot of talk about "when my egg cracked" in trans circles, figuring out you're trans isn't always attributable to any one singular event. Some folks might crack through and emerge from their egg in one swift motion but that is not true for everyone, it certainly wasn't true for me. Sure I could tell about the moment the first crack in my shell appeared, but a single crack in the egg is a far cry from actually breaking out. For many it's a process that can involve a series of revelations and tends to require lots of self reflection and learning how to love yourself. So, there is no quick and easy answer for this. However, I think my story will have a number of different lessons relevant to your question.

Before getting into all that though, I feel I must point out that cisgender folks rarely ask themselves these kinds of questions and when they do entertain these thoughts it's brief and comes with very little agony. The fact you have gone so far as to reach out to trans woman for advice, the fact the you are clearly worried by the prospect of being trans, is a pretty clear indicator that you probably are trans. Regardless of whether you actually are transgender or not, I want you to know that either way, it's ok. You will be ok, no matter what conclusions you come to.

Now, the story of how I figured out I was trans. Bear in mind, the first “aha moment” was 20 yrs ago and things were very different back then. I was about 17yrs old at the time and the term transgender didn't have the currency then that it does now, there wasn't the robust set of terminology that we have today, there were far fewer resources to turn to, no social media, and the overall public opinion was significantly more hostile towards anything LGBT. Anyway, more below the cut.

I didn't follow the typical trans narrative of the time in the sense that, as a child I didn't really care about my clothes so long as my favorite cartoon characters were on 'em, I liked toys typically marketed towards boys, I looked like a boy and everyone referred to me as a boy. So I thought I was a boy. However, I do have a vague memory from early childhood, somewhere between the ages of 4-6, of sneaking into my mother’s room and stealing a pair of her satin underwear and trying it on (it surely would have been too big on me but I remember liking the texture of the fabric) and hiding it under my bed. This memory has since been confirmed during my adulthood by my brother who shared a room with me at the time and had apparently found the hidden stash.

From an early age I was explicitly shunted towards masculinity. I was regularly told to “stop acting like a girl,” and “quit crying like a girl,” and even at one point to “stop walking like a girl,” by my peers and one of my brothers. By the time I was a teenager I was doing my best to be as masculine as possible going so far as joining the highschool wrestling team, a sport that is as homophobic as it is homoerotic, and I hated every minute of it because being manly didn't feel natural to me (and it definitely didn't stop the bullying). It felt like I was trying to ice skate uphill. I fit in but only imperfectly for I was merely acting.

I was also very confused about my sexuality. I thought maybe I was gay or bisexual (turns out the latter) but that didn’t really explain what I was feeling. Around 17yrs old I got curious about transsexuals, thinking maybe the answers would be found there and hoped on to the early and oh so clunky internet. Now I knew of transsexuals conceptually but I didn't know anything about them. Sadly, pornography was really the only reliable way to actually see what a trans body looked like back then. I was stunned because the women I saw did not look at all the way I expected. I was blown away by how so many of them, genitalia aside, looked indistinguishable from cisgender women. And they were all absurdly beautiful. I felt an immediate attraction but there was something else I felt too, envy. And that realization was the first crack in my eggshell.

After that I couldn't get the thought of crossdressing out of my head. So, I dug through a box of my mother's old clothes and took a few items she no longer wore, an old white tennis skirt and a very very 70s sleeveless orange blouse. I was so comfortable in those clothes and when I looked at myself in the mirror I felt good, really good. So, I continued exploring, shaved off all of of my body hair, went to department stores that were open late at night to buy girl clothes (deathly afraid someone would recognize me), I would stay up late at night to watch HBO because at midnight they would occasionally air stuff about trans people, (I remember two documentary shorts in particular and the movie Soldier’s Girl) and I scoured the internet for more information. The internet search brought me to a website called TG list (at least I think that’s what it was called, this was 20yrs ago after all) which was a directory of resources ranging from The Breast Form Store (which still exists!), a myriad of gender identity quizzes (I took nearly every single one), and Susan’s Place.

Susan’s place was one of the few reliable places to hear from actual transgender adults. Unfortunately, while Susan's Place had a lot of useful information the forums there were full of horror stories, a never-ending supply of all the things those women had suffered. So needless to say, there was little to no positivity around transness to give me hope. I was afraid to call myself trans as a result, afraid of what it meant for my life, my future, and my physical safety (you have to remember that back then Mathew Shepard wasn’t old news, his tragedy was practically current events). So I called myself a crossdresser but for reasons I didn't understand at the time I deeply resented that label. I think deep down, no matter how much I tried to deny it and bury it, a part of knew I wanted to be a girl. So when I came out to my parents as a crossdresser and explicitly told them I wasn't trans, that I didn’t have any desire to transition to female, there was that lil voice at the back of my mind calling me a liar. That voice would follow me until my late 20s.

Coming out was a real struggle for me because not only did I think my life would literally be in jeopardy, I thought everyone would think I was making it up, having not followed the stereotypical models of transsexuality. When I came out to my parents they didn't disown me or anything but they were noticeably uncomfortable around me when I was in girl mode. At a certain point I needed their help (credit card) to buy a gaff for tucking and that was when my parents, out of a misguided desire to protect me, pushed me back into the egg. Because of their rejection I spent the rest of highschool and most of my college years trying to hold the egg together with even more denial and by doubling down on masculinity. While I did have some fun during my college years, on balance I was miserable and depressed. I chafed at my male costume and I knew I was lying to myself the entire time, and I hurt myself a great deal.

During my senior year of college I started privately dabbling with crossdressing again, the desire had been nagging at me incessantly. A short time after graduating I met my wife who accepted that side of me and she introduced me to the BDSM/kink community, and the overall culture of nonjudgmental acceptance there cracked the egg for good, because is provided spaces besides my own room where I felt safe being a girl. From that point on I slowly but surely came out of the egg, first calling myself a crossdresser, then genderfluid for awhile, then GENDA passed in NY making me an explicitly protected class and for the next 2 yrs I presented as a they/them genderqueer woman 100% full time without HRT (I was still reluctant to call myself a woman).

I wrestled a long time with the choice to go on HRT. Ultimately that was always a big stumbling block for me. Therapy had gotten me pretty far but I was still afraid of so much and was unsure I would be happy with the changes because my parents had initially rejected me as their daughter in very paternalistic fashion I struggled to trust my own instincts. I still struggle with that sometimes. Eventually, I befriended a trans woman in my neighborhood who pointed out HRT works very slowly and that it takes a long time for any permanent changes to take root. So, she suggested I give it a try and if it didn't feel right I could stop.

I was also taking gender identity quizzes again. Now most of these claim to be diagnostic and those ones a generally misogynistic garbage (they ask stupid questions like, “are you good at math?” and assign a gendered value to the answer) but I happened upon one that started with the disclaimer that it wasn't diagnostic and instead only offered questions that are good to think with. Two questions in particular were very helpful. The first asked, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up tomorrow as a girl, would you take it?" My answer was a hesitant yes, but that yes was bolstered by the next question, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up as a man, in your current body, but without any dysphoria or desires to be feminine, would you take it?" My answer was an emphatic no because that would have felt like killing an important part of myself off. I then at the age of 33yrs old started HRT and 4yrs in I am incredibly happy. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Now, I know that was a lot of fucking text to read but I wrote all of that because I know the prospect of maybe being a trans girl feels scary to you right now but I want to assure you that as daunting as it may seem there is so much about being a trans woman that is full of beauty and joy. I love my trans womanhood and despite the hardships, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. In fact the opposite is true. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost everything in order to be a woman. So if you feel like you want to give girlhood a try, do it! You can take small incremental steps and you can always stop if it doesn’t feel right, either way you will gain a degree of self knowledge most cisgender people lack completely and that is absolutely priceless! Plus, unlike me when I was a teen, there’s all kinds of resources and information available to you now and an entire community of people ready to help you, and unlike the women in the forums from my past, we aren’t all gloom and doom.

As for your fear of giving up masculinity, don’t let that fear lure you into the denial trap like it did me. Denial is like quicksand, once you’re in it becomes hard to get out, the more you struggle the deeper in you go and it is so very suffocating. And the thing is, you actually don’t have to give it all up. Back when I was presenting full time as woman without HRT, I felt like I had to be ultra feminine all the time, full face of make-up, dress, heels, the whole nine yards. Now that I’m 4 yrs in with HRT I don’t feel that pressure anymore and have since reclaimed certain aspects of masculinity I actually liked. I sill like presenting high femme from time to time but these days I mostly rock a soft butch aesthetic, flannel/t-shirt, jeans and the only makeup I wear daily is just a lil bit of blush. At certain point you become comfortable and realize that gender is just a sandbox to play in and experiment. Masculine and Feminine are just concepts, they aren’t real! so regardless of being cis or trans, don’t let those mere concepts box you in! Just do what feels natural and right to you!

I hope all of that was helpful to you anon, and that at the very least you walk away from this knowing you don’t have to have all of the answers about yourself right now. Now, I don't no the particulars of your situation, so I’m happy to speak with you further if you have follow up questions, just send another anon.

Best of luck to you anon, I am rooting for you!

Big hugs,

Mother Calamity

[nshtn]

humbly requesting XXII for chrisker if youre still doing these

Wesker lets his binoculars fall from his eyes at the same time that Chris' does. This stakeout is mind-numbingly boring - more so, perhaps, than a meeting that could've ended as an email. They're set to monitor the comings and goings of an illegal reseller with high ties, but sightings had been scant and the data meaningless.

It's all noise. This is pointless. But there was time, yet still, and...

And he's sweating. They're both sweating, actually; at this point he has half a mind for it to nag on whether or not he's sweated through his cologne - Chris certainly has.

For some odd reason, though, social adaptation is his guess, the mingling scents don't bother him.

He perishes the thought as it rises. This alchemy cannot come to a boil.

The thirst doesn't die so easily, though. It was rare that the orderly and stickler Albert Wesker would find he lacked proper hydration (he was more likely to have a satchet of emergency rehydration than nothing at all) but after three bottles of water and several long, toiling, surveilling hours, he had long exhausted his supply. Even his patience, almost monastic, was slipping through his fingers.

So he averts his eyes to the console.

Chris has wrapped his lips around the same large 24oz Dr. Pepper for four hours, nursing it every time the thought crossed his mind or he needed the glucose. With this heat and the looming threat of understimulation, he'd certainly been sipping.

Many times, in fact, his mind chimes in unhelpfully. Fast and loose, unrestrained by any nutritional pamphlet or forced dieting. Something nibbled on Wesker's self control when he thought about that, so he perished that line of thought, too, before it could breed and bubble into anger or something else entirely.

Really, such an unbecoming urge shouldn't even cross Wesker's mind in the ninety-five degree heat of the cop car driver seat, but it does.

...the most vocal part of him attributes this to the failings of an overheated striatum, an overworked and underfed VTA...

In the end, none of this pointless medicalizing changes that they're both waiting around in the heat, can't leave the car, and he's thirsty.

And none of this heat or thirst changes the immutable and well-known facts that Captain Albert Wesker doesn't normally drink soda, and that Captain Albert Wesker certainly doesn't drink his coworker's finely-sipped lightly-used soda.

There's a light sigh. Chris thinks he's going to say something about the mission, but instead he turns his head fully to face him, edge of a grimace poking under his nose.

"Chris." It's just a soda (when you're not Umbrella's finest, that is), and yet...

Chris blinks. Wesker's grimace deepens a little, but it reads out as little more than mild discontent from an outsider's perspective.

"Do you mind if I...?" He almost doesn't ask. Wesker pattern-avoided the calling of undeserved, simple carbs, usually. Until such that these special and deserving circumstances had arised, that was.

"Oh, yeah!" Of course Redfield would let him. There was no chance at all he would decline. The permission itself was auxiliary.

He grabs it a little faster than he should, brings it to his lips in a hurry, takes a bigger swig than he means to. It tastes good - very good, in fact, dethroning his lemon waters and the odd herbal tea. He can see, with frightening clarity, how so many civilians found themselves at the head-end of a pop addiction.

And then he deposits it again, bringing his binoculars wordlessly back up. This entire unspoken debate and its' conclusion has ended in the timespan of a single minute or two. "Mm," he hums, his approximation of acknowledgment and gratitude.

"You're welcome."

Some part of his mind curdles, and then it whispers: Chris' lips had been on that.