#tho i'm anxious about this piece but which one i'm not

[tryingtimi]

A Wishing God

To break my absence, I leave here a possible ending of IQRUS. It's fun to explore all the things I was just contemplating yet. This piece also started as an attempt for one of the Flash Fiction Friday prompts, Expanding Horizons, but it ended up more.

DANE AND AUVA | ANGST | IQRUS ENDING EXPLORATION | WC: 2,476

Water rumbled quietly. The waves had reached out as enormous fingers, stretching forward in the distance. They licked the solid metal, swallowing more and more of it, almost touching Dane’s feet as he sat on the ground. It wouldn’t have mattered, though. He was wet already, anyway.

The Aquor Sector’s ankle high water level’s surface let him see the solid floor under him.

He couldn’t move his muscles as he sat in the liquid. Mind filled up, overflowed with everything he wanted to keep it in the pit of his existence. He came here for a reason, yet he wasn’t able to get further than tiptoeing to the edge of the Trashland and finally let his legs to give up under him. All the turquoise, slightly translucent hell surrounded him in the moment he reached the ground. His pants soaked through immediately, his mechanic leg getting tighter around his thighs as liquid terror seeped into the fittings. He knew he should have been afraid of the mutation.

But he couldn’t care less about that.

The day of him getting the Caelus Sector offered modifications burnt into his mind. All the serums, plays with his genes, protection he got. Immunity for the top of humanity, they dared to say.

All the people playing God up there.

He tried to think about pulling his pulled-up legs closer to his chest, but he wasn’t able to do that. His body wasn’t under his control now. Fright ruled his blood flow, all of his big and little muscles, his mind. There was nothing he could do about it, only acknowledge it. He was paralyzed. By shock or trauma, he couldn’t tell anymore.

The waves pulled back, slowly making space between Dane and them. The touch of the liquid swayed around his lower body. Every tiny movement of it made something twitch inside him, building up a feeling he didn’t know how to control now or ever.

He wasn’t planning to move, however.

Even if he could have, he was sure he would have been just sitting in the water, watching the far horizon of endless waves and light. There was nothing at the other end. No land, no building, nothing.

Tender swaying and quiet splashing signaled Auva’s arrival.

She didn’t say a thing, only stood beside him for a second, then slowly sat down. He lowered his head, letting it drop between his shoulders. He couldn’t bear the sight of that infinite horizon anymore.

“What now?”, he asked eventually. He wanted to squeeze his eyes together, but he couldn’t. Dane wanted to stay aware of Auva’s presence by his peripheral vision.

After everything had been done, he wasn’t ready to just drown in his darkness, alone.

Because he was like that. Alone. Finally, and completely. No Adran, no Eran, not even Icharo. So much good for one evil to fall. And so, their most dire problem hasn’t been solved by the sacrifices. Was it really worth it then?

Auva shifted, and Dane could see her hand reaching over to touch the waves that came back to them again.

“Now, you must become a Guardian. Properly.” She tenderly caressed the surface, her fingers parting the water ever so slightly. It didn’t leave a mark, only its echo on the froth. “That would be the ideal. That would be the end of my task. But you must choose it willingly. “ She paused for a moment. “And I am not forcing anything.”

Dane exhaled. A long, stretched out breath. Then, after closing his eyes for a second, he opened them again and looked at Auva.

She didn’t force him to choose. She should have, yet she didn’t. A strange, heavy weight loomed over Dane, as he sat under the open sky and watched this figure beside him who he still couldn’t fully fit into his mind. Into his heart, yes, but not into his mind.

Dane wasn’t sure if he wanted to be something like her. He had no idea what that would mean. Icharo… Lero was her kind too. Whatever they were truly, they had powers he didn’t know he wanted to deal with.

He still felt his mind numbing ever so slightly, only just thinking about what he went through and saw.

Save them.

Adran’s last words bubbled up from his tensed muscles into his mind, showing him the memory of their last moments. His brother. His savior.

Everyone’s savior.

Dane’s left eye twitched a little. He wasn’t the one who should be a Guardian of people. Ionera should be safe after Adran’s sacrifice. They won, didn't they?

He snorted at this thought.

Winning. There was no winner in matters like these, was there? And whatever he was ready to do, one question still remained unanswered: if he was ever ready to take up the burden of making things right so his brother’s death won’t be for vain?

“So be it,” he said, his voice even. “How does it work?”

Auva nodded ever so slightly, an almost reluctant acknowledgement. Then, she pulled out a little glass bottle from the tiny case attached to her belt.

Something gold swayed within.

“You need to drink this first. Everything else is up to you after then.”

“What’s this?”, Dane asked as she handed him the bottle. He hasn't taken it yet.

“A substance that flows in my body and keeps it moving.”

His eyelids fluttered closed for a moment as he gulped.

“So, it’s your blood.”

Auva glanced at the far horizon beside them, lost in thought, before she guided her gaze back at Dane and the liquid.

“That’s an accurate conclusion, yes.”

“And you want me to drink it?” He heard it the first time too, but he needed to make sure. And if Auva didn’t quite understand why he needed this confirmation, she hid it well. As well as any human would have.

“It’s not about what I want, Dane. The world depends on it. Your world.”

The water reached for them again, swaying closer and closer, almost reaching his legs. And the gold swayed with it in the bottle. Auva didn’t move her hands, yet the liquid twirled and twisted. Its metallic shine absorbed the light around itself.

Dane could feel the faintest unease in his mind.

A familiar feeling at this point. Something that made him sick.

He forced his gaze at Auva.

At her, who was the bearer of this thing. This something that changed his world at its core. This thing that those carried in their physical bodies too that killed his loved ones and doomed humanity.

Dane curled up his toes in his fully soaked shoes. His hands were white from all the force he was gripping them together.

Auva was one of them, yet she was so much different. She was here to help. She did not ask anything from him. She let him choose.

Choose something he always strived to reach. Saving everyone. Saving Ionera. Protecting the ruins of their world.

Dane wasn’t the right one for this responsibility, but he was the only one left for this world. So, with heavy hands, he slowly took the bottle, closed his eyes and snapped his head back so he could swallow everything.

Then, he let his hands fall back down and nervously waited.

Waited.

And waited.

Nothing has felt different. The water still licked his sides, he might not have been as cold as before, but other than that; nothing.

“How long does it take to begin?”

Auva smiled. He didn’t know how he could know this with his eyes closed, but he did. For certain.

“ᴏᴘᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴇʏᴇs,” she murmured, her voice sounding like a… prism. It belonged to her yet echoed on a thousand other.

He slowly lifted his eyelids, seeing nothing different over the horizon then before. A touch of early morning mist, endless water and small waves… in a room.

An intricate, vast room that contained everything he called his world. A room made of a prism. The walls reflected the sky, expanded horizons before Dane. All the layers of the images he’d seen opened up for him; the clouds’, the sky’s, the water’s and everything’s outlines splitted into hundreds of their own reflection, into shapes and colors he’d never seen before. Dane could see, feel and hear everything around himself. His vision, hearing and ability to feel erupted and expanded into something that made him be aware of all the happenings of the world. To feel every person and every living thing as if they were a part of him too.

Dane became the beating heart of Aetherius.

And with that, his core fright from before — that was so deeply a part of him he couldn’t acknowledge it fully — towards death evaporated into nothing. He knew he won’t die anymore. That he can’t die. Fear and death turned into mere concepts in his mind.

Then, he turned to Auva.

It wasn’t her true name. That wasn’t something that could have been spoken out loud. Dane stick with it, though.

The air wobbled around her figure that did not wore the features he was used to seeing on her. Golden bronze skin without a face, although Dane knew it wasn’t a skin exactly since it flowed in her physical form as well. Quills cascaded around her shoulders, blanketing her upper body, a featherless wing-like extension growing out of her back as a cape would.

He could use only mortal words to describe her, even though she was so much beyond that comprehension.

“ɪ ᴡɪsʜ ɪ ʜᴀᴅ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ ᴛᴏ sᴀʏ,” whispered Dane. His voice similarly echoing in a thousand other as well. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of feeling anything at all, yet he knew he would feel awe if he would be his self from before.

Auva smiled. Dane could tell she was, no matter her faceless form.

“ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴅ.” Her voice still ethereal, the language they spoke celestial, if it was a language at all.

“Is ᴛʜɪs ʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs sᴇɴsᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ?” Dane needed to ask. There were things that did not ease with his ascension.

“ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ Gᴜᴀʀᴅɪᴀɴ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀsᴛ ᴡʜᴏ’ᴅ ʙᴇᴇɴ Mᴀᴅᴇ, ᴡʜɪᴄʜ ᴍᴀᴋᴇs ᴍᴇ ʙᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴅɪꜰꜰᴇʀᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴜs. sᴏ, ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ, ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪs ɪᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ sᴇɴsᴇ?”

What was he sensing? How could he describe it? He should have been overwhelmed, but he could not experience life as before. Eternal things laid before him, more than his world only. He won a glimpse of the other worlds that had burnt into his mind; people with pointy ears, monster-like creatures, black suns, violet moons and so, so much more. He’d seen a fraction of all the different sides of that infinite prism that his world reflected it too. He couldn’t be sure what he sensed actually.

He knew what he should have reacted to, though.

“ᴇᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss.” That wasn’t it exactly. “ꜰᴜʟʟɴᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sᴀᴍᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ. ɪ ᴄᴀɴ sᴇᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅs ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜɪs ᴏɴᴇ. sᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇ ᴏɴᴇs. ᴜɴᴋɴᴏᴡɴ ᴏɴᴇs. ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ sᴇɴsᴇ ᴍʏ ɢʀɪᴇꜰ ᴛᴏᴡᴀʀᴅs Aᴅʀᴀɴ ᴀɴᴅ Eʀᴀɴ’s ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ. ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ᴍᴏᴜʀɴ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ᴀɴʏᴍᴏʀᴇ, Aᴜᴠᴀ. ɪ ᴅᴏ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ. ɪ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ʙᴇʏᴏɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇᴍ. ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴍᴇ.”

Some kind of wrongness nested in his core also. A plague, a reversed black hole. Aetherius’ doom, the dimensional tear that let the terrors pour into his world.

It had been hidden from him, but now he could sense it. The calling of the ocean, deep under all the monsters and darkness; the portal slumbered there, out of the reach of any mortal. But not his, not anymore. And so he could have a chance to extinguish it. Or begin to do that.

Auva nodded, excitement reflecting in the vibration of her magnetic field around her.

“ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʀᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴀs ᴀ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ, ᴇᴠᴇɴ ɪꜰ ɪᴛ’s ᴛʀᴀɢɪᴄ, ᴛʜᴀɴ sᴛᴀʏɪɴɢ ᴅɪᴠɪɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀʟᴍɪɢʜᴛʏ.”

“ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ.”

“ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴛʜᴇɴ,” She extended her hand. “ɪᴛ’s ꜰᴏʀᴛᴜɴᴀᴛᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ sᴛᴀᴛᴇ ɪs ᴛᴇᴍᴘᴏʀᴀʀʏ” And with that, Dane’s senses began to shrink. Whatever he experienced, it did not leave him, only made him more and more anxious. He couldn’t put his finger on what he’d seen in the next second, when he stopped feeling everything.

Minute by minute, he gained back that core terror of death and the dreadful woe that nested in his bones. He got back his grief and his mourning. His ability to remember and love. His focus wasn’t on all living things anymore, he wasn’t everywhere all at once. And he saw Auva only as a woman sitting waist deep in the water.

“How could this happen? I thought being a Guardian is a permanent task.”

Auva smiled and glanced at the bottle in Dane’s hand. He mirrored her movement, realizing he wasn’t paralyzed anymore, even though all his grave emotions only multiplied in his chest.

He furrowed his brows when he saw the golden blood still sway in the bottle. He could have sworn that he swallowed all.

“It was. Before you’ve changed the rules of turning into one. What I’ve said previously was something I only came to know the moment you made up your mind. And so now the rules are letting Guardians choose after they experience what it's like to be one. You’ve created a new concept. A new era. Change is never immediate from now on. It needs time and so you could have only one drop to begin with.”

Dane tightened his hand around the bottle.

“It sounds like I’ve modified space and time in a blink of an eye. That is something only…” God should be able to do, Auva. He stopped himself before he could finish his sentence like that. He couldn’t deny it anymore. He was one of them for a short period of time. If it was a short period of time at all, since time itself lost its meaning for him in that state. Or that’s how he could describe it if he attempted to put it into words.

A soft touch on his hand made Dane shiver slightly. He glanced at Auva’s tender gaze that was full of comfort, yet reflected something deep that he couldn’t really grasp. As if the cosmos itself had been captured in those eyes.

“It must be a lot.”

It was. Dane couldn’t deny that either. But there was also one thing that stayed with him the most after the experience. Something that made him confident enough to hold Auva’s eyes.

“I’ll take the role temporarily. I’ve seen the tear, so I need the power to unravel it, to find it again and close it. But as soon as we’ve reached that, I’ll find someone who’s worth enough to take this role properly,” he said and with that, he flipped his hand to took Auva’s in his too.

[wildfangz]

Lil (long) simblr gratitude day post

I wanted to make a post shouting out some of my favorite creators, storytellers, and just general simmers from over the last year, mainly focused on ts4 since that's where my attention has been the most. Long post ahead so it's going under a cut. If you're not tagged please know I did wake up late today so it's not as complete of a list as I wanted it to be!!

@adelarsims - You are an essential in my mods folder!! I love how much realism and/or character your cc adds to sims, from things like the piercing holes to the wonky glasses to the mechanic overlay... Just so many little things that I can't imagine not having in my game or on certain characters now. Speaking of characters, your sims both original and premade are always so gorgeous, and I really enjoy your interpretations of wg and jeb. & Thank you for being WCIF friendly, I know it takes time to get that info but it's so appreciated, u've help me find some very beloved pieces of CC. Also the level of dedication u have to organizing your mods folder is incredible and you've inspired me a lot to get my folder's act together finally!! Which is SUCH a QoL improvement

@bearphase - I adore the bright legacy and I admire all the little details and effort you put into your posts, like fixing clipping issues, making icons and templates for custom careers or story events, ur creativity really shines through. You've also reminded me how fun NSB can be and inspired me to get back to it and my human enough gameplay and I can't thank u for that enough, it's got me sooo excited for future simming endeavors

@daisydezem - You've been a welcome addition on my dash back since POSE, which was a fantastic first community experience for me and so much fun, & I love your gameplay & love how much work u put into rainbowsin! (I adore Venus so much btw!!) I hope you're healing well and that u have a lovely new year!!

@divinedionym - CLAIRE!!! I was SO happy to see you dipping your toes back in the community I missed you on my dash! and while I adored ur vatores and their story and ur an incredible storyteller, I'm glad you've been able to pivot into something more enjoyable for u. I hope you have lots of fun in the coming year and I can't wait to see what Aspen gets up to… or into… especially with his vampire BF. Aside from that idk if you'll ever wanna run another sims server, but I did want to give you a late shoutout and props for that bc I know from experience it can be difficult and I really loved how you ran yours! I could just be an anxious bitch but I feel like its so hard to find comfortable servers.... and esp the storytellers one was so cozy and helpful, and ur management of it was *chefs kiss* I've also really enjoyed it every time we've talked, tho I'm sorry I'm so shy 😭😭

@earthmoonz - LONG TIME MUTUAL ALERT ….. ur sims are always so gorgeous. Love the Devereauxs and... Max and Lena… WOO. I support womens and nonbinary rights. and wrongs. Wifey has been SO good and I'm pumped to see where the rest of the story goes. U have a natural talent for storytelling and I really appreciate how much care u put into your characters. Everyone read wifey today rn

@hauntedtrait - Another mutual I enjoy every time I see you on my dash!! Your Lilith is drop dead gorgeous but honestly so many of your sims are. I love ur premade makeovers and Dakota is sooo pretty I'm obsessed. I can't wait 2 see who he ends up with! :]

@horusmenhosetix - I love seeing u on my dash and every time we've talked has been so lovely!! There's been so many times you've made me want to jump back into my projects for ts2 or even go back to ts3 once I have the space to download it. I love your s2cc and god ur sims …. its been a year but I still smile whenever I think about the vatore siblings you shared jhskfdh they're so perfect its got me inspired to throw together an s4 save whenever I get my mods folder sorted. & I'm so excited to go thru ur downloads tag and fill that baby UP with ur stuff next time I work on that !!!!!!!!

@myshunosun - One of my favorite CC creators, pretty sure my folder has all of your stuff in it bc I couldn't help myself. Always impressed with the quality and I love the variety. Thank u for sharing such incredible work with us!

@nucrests - I downloaded a lot of ur cc more recently but MY BOYS!!! U'VE CLOTHED MY BOYS!!! You make such good quality content and I'm always a huge fan of those that help me give my male sims some flair and style, thank u! :')

@oshinsimblr - Long 1 incoming... While I've never been a sims 4 hater, like a lot of people I've still struggled with the gameplay aspect of this iteration, so it's been really inspiring to watch how you go about your game and immerse yourself in it, see all the care you put into your sims. I have to thank you for the videos you've made on it, like the one on how to make sims you connect to, season 1 of Lovesick where you went basically vanilla with the specific intent to show people how much you can do with imagination and what that looks like in gameplay! It's been literally game-changing for me lol and helped me to have more fun with my saves, even if they're not one of the rare few that starts out off the rails, I get more enjoyment playing it out until things do start happening outside of my control. & YOUR CC RECS!! I've downloaded so many of the mods you've recommended and I love how much they fill out the game. On the topic of Lovesick, I have not been able 2 get enough!! I'm so hooked lmao. Watching this series has really taken me back to the days when I was a teen reading like those particularly juicy drama-filled sims 3 stories you can't help but to keep clicking "next page" on, except Lovesick is so solid writing-wise. SO excited to see where Lizbeth is going in her life!!

@simandy - Your hairs have been an essential in my CAS folder for so long, and I've been so impressed with the evolution of your creations over the years. I've always liked your work but GODDAMN the quality always blows me away these days!! & I really, really adore and appreciate the variety! @squea - ANOTHER SORT OF LONG ONE BUT ... Your sims just POP!!! SO much character, and your edits and art r phenomenal. Corn is one of my favorite little digital guys I've had the pleasure of experiencing on line in all my years in the sims community reading stories and gameplay. If Cornelius has a million fans I am one of them. If Cornelius has ten fans I am one of them. If Cornelius has no fans I am no longer on the earth. If world against Cornelius, I am against the world. So on and so forth TBH you've also helped me have a lot more fun with the sims 4 talking about how you enjoy your game, and have a healthier mindset about my place in the community and connect back with the reason I made this blog in the first place, which was just to have fun and archive something I love, regardless of whether it got any attention or not! I started going MIA a bit post 2019 after really getting involved in the community, for Life Happens reasons, and naturally the lack of consistent posting for a while meant less eyes on whatever I came back to share. For a while I let that discourage me esp when a lot of effort was put into something, but after you posted about just genuinely enjoying ur game and loving what you made regardless of notes it made me realize what I was doing and helped me get back to that state of mind. Now whatever I make gets to matter simply because it matters to me, even if I post it at like 3am bc I'm so excited and no one ever sees it bc of that DHKDHKHSD. & I feel like I have u to thank for that!! U turned da lightbulb on

@thefoxburyinstitute - I could not make a gratitude post without forgetting to include the foxbury institute!! I've been messing around more with making CC the last couple of months and your blog has been so incredibly helpful, and I highly recommend everyone interested in creating or just wanting to maintenance and mend their mods folder a bit check them out!

@tricoufamily - YOUR RENDERS ARE SO GORGEOUSSS and I love your take on the Villareals. I never ran into the original story so I'm really excited tbh to see whats up ur sleeve... also I love everything you've shared about two headed lamb so far, so eerie and offputting in the best way. Also everyone read this is the fall here

@void-imp I know we just followed each other a few days ago but ur trio is SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!! I love Jab's design so much and I rlly enjoy what I've read about aleksey so far. :-)

@warwickroyals - Ok so first off your clothing is a STAPLE in my folder for my more wealthy and/or fashion-oriented sims! And as for the Warwick Legacy? One of my absolute favorite simblr stories I've read. I still remember when I started it, it was pretty late at night so I was just planning on reading a handful of posts and then picking it back up the next day. That did not happen I could not stop. Straight up stayed up the entire night bingeing all the way to the latest post (which was the Big Phillip Thing. I had to get up from my computer to pace I was having a Moment LOL) I've got some catching up to do but so far I think that's been my favorite arc. Aside from that your editing is beautiful, and I've always been a character enjoyer so I'm in love with how much thought you've put into all of yours, and the fact we get to learn so much about them. I think you do a really good job of balancing the cast and I really dig your storytelling style in general.

@whimsyalien I know u post moreso on twitter but since u ARE technically also on simblr... I just wanna say I love the polaris legacy and thank you so much for all the poses and templates you share!!!

@windbrook THANK YOU for making so many fantastic builds and for sharing your saves, it's one of my absolute favorites. Also all the original sims u post are so striking, and ur cartoon-ish makeovers were so much fun!! Loving the recent builds/world pics u shared as well, and looking forward to whatever you create whether its in sims 4 or a previous game in the series!

@yooniesim Your cc is a more recent addition to my folder but there's so many things you've made and I'm sure will make that are essentials there now, like the teeth and body hair and god that necklace set for men is a necessity, but outside of that I love a lot of the other CAS CC you make you have some of the cutest hairs and I really adore the accessories! Thank you also for speaking out on certain issues within the community.

Finally,

To My Followers: thank u all for sticking with me even as I've been a biiit flaky over the years. My healths doing a lot better tho and I have so much passion for the game and I'm so excited for what I have to share with u all next, and I hope it can brighten ur dash up a bit, pull the heartstrings when appropriate, etc!! I also have a lil milestone coming up so im planning on doing some sim requests soon as a thank you when that hits. c:

[just-a-carrot]

Hey, Carrot!

So some time ago you posted a picture with several genzy sketches and said that they were from an assortment of silly self-indulgent AU ficlet ideas. Could you explain some of them? Or, if it's too long, one of them?👀

OH GOD ASKING ABOUT MY GENZY AU FICLET IDEAS HOW COULD YOU???? /j

/i'm shy

YOU MEAN THIS ONE

t-t-t-tbh i have many many ideas. somehow in my head i half think about my chars as though they're some other piece of media and i'm actively thinking up random fic ideas for them sometimes LOL some of which are actually within the normal canon timeline and that i can potentially use for something, and others that have nothing to do with the canon timeline (or even go against it LKDAJFD) but i don't care, i just enjoy thinking up various scenarios for them because i love them so much sigh...

those four in question were some that were quite visceral in my mind at the time, tho i have many more. i don't mind explaining them tho except that i am very shy

probably my favorite is the one on the bottom left and one i've imagined in many different ways because i'm a sucker for hurt comfort and involves some variation of the two of them out hiking in the snow, whereupon a blizzard hits and they have to seek shelter in this small shed they find, but it's very very cold and iggy starts to get hypothermia so genzou zips him up inside his coat with him to try and keep him warm until the morning... (I'M SO EMBARRASSED WRITING THIS LDKFJALSKDFA) (IT'S VERY SELF-INDULGENT AND SILLY) (I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE SO CUTE... SOB)

the middle one was a kinda different take on what could have happened when iggy was visiting home from college and over at genzou's, involving iggy having a hard time fitting in at college and with some weird semi-relationships that left him feeling hurt and questioning himself and he lets it all out to genzou and starts crying and genzou kisses him LMAOOOOOO (the laugh here being because i'm so embarrassed i'm actively laughing at myself and how ridiculously sappy and cringy these must sound AHHHHHHHH 💦💦💦💦)

the phone one is where iggy calls genzou in the middle of the night because he's feeling so anxious and genzou talks to him until he falls asleep... (LOL THIS IDEA DID ACTUALLY TURN INTO SOMETHING i loved it so much i did a genzou-POV take on it for T2A2G... weep)

and the one on the right was less of a super specific idea and more just me enjoying the thought of them living together and iggy trying to play his switch while genzou bothers him kjkajdfad

i have so many different fic ideas for them sob... i think about them always 💕

[railroad-migraine]

Hey Poet! <3 First, thanks bunches for all that you do, your writing never fails to make me smile! If it's alright, may I please request Molly, Essek, Yasha and Caleb with a socially anxious F!teammate/friend or crush who's a half-dwarf? She usually passes for a short human, but her dwarven heritage shows in her body being hairier and a bit more thicc than the average human female, which makes her very self-conscious. Thank you and have a lovely day <3

Okay but first, you're adorable. And second, I never expected to have a request like this but I'm so so glad you sent it in. You're lovely, honey. Thank you x

~ Poet

Reassuring Fem!Reader about body hair

Caleb 💜

To be honest, as perceptive as he is, it's not something Caleb ever really regarded as something to be noted or commented on. Your hair is just another part of you, another piece of your body for him to admire - it's no different to how he loves your hands, your eyes, your smile... Cough not that he's ready to admit that he loves you yet tho cough

He's always looking out for you and can just sense when you're having a bad day. He gets them too. The perfect person to talk to about anxieties or insecurities with because he can share his own experiences with you. Together, you work to fight against the niggling voices in the back of your heads and grow stronger and accept this is who you are, and that's good.

He makes more of an effort to try convey how he feels for you. His pinky shyly links with your own and he mutters something about how nice you look today, how confidence suits you. You know he means it.

-

Molly 💜

Molly has never really been one to judge someone on their appearances, and you better believe he's not gonna start now. You are lovely. You are strong. You are healthy. You are so very normal (in a extraordinary way). You're hot, stop doubting yourself sm <3

King of reassurance and looking after you on days where you're less confident or more self conscious. Treats you like royalty, recommends and drags you to a spa day to treat yourself and ease your worries, make you feel pretty and comfortable in your skin.

Beauty standards and trends come and go. Your body, and the hair that comes with it, is yours for life. He wants you to learn to love it. If you let him, he sits you in front a mirror at a vanity and points out every single thing about your appearance that makes you special and beautiful and handsome. He kisses your cheek, and asks quietly for you to see yourself just as he does.

-

Yasha 💜

Yasha thinks you're the cutest thing. She's quite tall, and since you're smol in comparison, it's a huge win for her. Lifts you up like you weigh nothing, more than happy to hold you on her hip or on her shoulders. Likes how the sunshine catches on your hair and skin because you practically glow.

Is kinda hairy herself and stops shaving her arms when you confide in her. She never really had a preference to having or not having hair - it was more of a habit than anything else. She wants you to know that it's completely human to be as you are, and you don't have to change for anyone. Change because you want to, not because you feel like you have to.

She thinks that no one should feel like they have to conform to societal pressures and such. It can be hard, especially in the beginning, but she's with you every step of the way to give encouragement and reassurance when you need it. Beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and you're no exception (°^°)

-

Essek 💜

Also enjoys the height difference. He's not super tall himself, but the levitation helps give the illusion that he is. Presses sweet lil kisses to your forehead when you least expect it only to see you flustered and smiley.

Hot boi finds it hard to grow hair anywhere other than the top of his head, so he actually likes the contrast between you two 🥺 You're soft and warm and he just holds you happily. There are qualities he seeks in potential partners, such as intelligence and emotional maturity and kindness. You have all of those. He likes the the shadows and the stubble and fuzz (no matter how thick) and everything that comes with you because it's you.

He also thinks it's nice that you physically show your dwarven heritage! He wants you to be happy and proud of your people, your background and where you've come from - it's just a reminder of how much he loves every single inch of you. Life is too short not to love your body, fluff and all xx

[caspersickfanfics]

I’ve been thinking about seasick Cyno again, and particularly how picky he would be with food leading up to the days before they left again? Like as established he’d be anxious as hell the day or two before leaving and that would make him feel sick to his stomach all ready (even tho he wouldn’t clock it as anxiety) but because he’s not feeling so well he’s dodging inazuma delicacies left and right. Maybe it’s around then that he finally confronts Tighnari worries he’s gotten a bug or something, or maybe it’s his lack of appetite that clues Tighnari in on how wound up Cyno is feeling. Maybe Kaveh encourages him in a very casual kaveh way to eat some rice and light soups since- he has to eat *something*. Eventually it comes down to Cynos logic being “I won’t feel sick on the boat if I don’t eat anything” which is just not how that works at all. I feel like it would be a great chance for some of Tighnari to be like ‘gentle lecture mode’ to help explain to cyno why he needs to make sure he’s well rested and has good nutrition in him etc etc…it may not change anything for cyno lol cuz anxiety…and motion sickness…is a bitch. But idk I think it’s funny to see Cyno picky cuz he definitely doesn’t seem the type at all. Like man’s knows the importance of eating well because the healthier he is the better he can do his job. Honeslty I’m wondering which would be harder on him, dealing with getting sick the first time or knowing he’s likely to get sick going back. Cuz on the one hand he probably had a normal sized meal before leaving and- well we’ve talked lots about how he handles the motion the first time. But on the way back…the dread??? The knowing he’s not at the top of his game cuz he already feels queasy from the fear?? Knowing he can’t protect his loved ones as well. Maybe it’s just different kinds of hell for him lol 😂. Poor baby. I love him so much 😭

HELLO it has taken me actual ages to respond to this ask I'm so sorry!! I like this idea so much. Completely out of character for Cyno, Kaveh's fretting over him to the point that even Alhaitham steps in to be like "this is very illogical behavior" which is true but also unintentionally obnoxious to everyone involved.

I could absolutely see Tighnari getting exasperated with Cyno at this point, too. He'd see right through him, know exactly what he's trying to do, but maybe wouldn't pick up on the anxiety bit right away because Cyno isn't typically one to get anxious about travel or even illness. And Cyno's probably dodgy about it, too, maybe he thinks it's silly to worry about such things, maybe he's actually convinced himself that he is being logical about this in some way, but it gets to a point where Tighnari is frustrated, because he's explained time and time again why going into a long boat trip on an empty stomach is bad news, and Cyno's just getting more and more anxious because they're supposed to understand each other, and if Tighnari's right (he always is), then he has to admit to himself that he has little to no control over any of this.

It all culminates in the kind of anxiety attack that could really just be nothing, if it didn't feel so bad. His heart is racing, his chest hurts, and Tighnari notices him trembling. Then he picks up on Cyno's unsteady, quick breaths, the sweat running down his temples, the way his eyes dart around like he's looking for some kind of escape route. He has Cyno sit down just as he starts becoming lightheaded, and has the thought at the same time as he says it aloud: "You're scared."

From there, the pieces click into place. Cyno isn't saying he's sick because he's looking for excuses; it's because he actually feels ill. All of Tighnari's logic isn't helping because it's not addressing the core issue. Tighnari doesn't know how to help, but it turns out that putting a name to the fear is a good place to start.

seasick!Cyno post 1

seasick!Cyno post 2

[sunnimint]

As someone who is now writing a longfic about Metal Sonic pretty much as a direct inspiration from you, I wanted to ask- how do you do it? How do you stick with it? What's your writing and editing process? How do you like to post your fics? etc etc etc please tell me anything and everything

Oh? You are writing a long fic about Metal Sonic? DROP LINK NOW

In all seriousness, let me answer those questions in order. Buckle up and sit down for this one.

I like Metal Sonic. He is, undeniably, one of my favorite characters. The Sonic OVA really fleshed out his character and personality (honorable mention for the Sonic Mania Adventures holiday episode which i also adored to pieces). Not to mention the amazing fic that is Iron Oxide, which promptly made me a metonic shipper for life. It's this combination that practically motivates me to write. And as I mentioned in the other question I answered, writing Metal is a lot of fun simply because of the endless possibilities of how to make a machine go from lifeless to alive. Bonus points for making him fall in love with the blue rat he's always trying to kill. Obsession, after all, can go a long way.

In terms of writing process... whenever I am struck by an idea or a concept, I immediately write it down. A couple of sentences, nothing more. If the idea/concept refuses to leave me alone, then I write an outline for it. I think about how the story will begin and how it will end. I then think how I can go from point A, B, C, etc, all the way until it connects to the end. Once I'm done with the outline, I look back through it and make sure that it works and that the plot makes sense. Everything has to come together because otherwise, the story will become a mess. This whole process takes me anywhere from a day to weeks. It is only until I like how the outline is structured, that I finally begin to WRITE.

As organized as I am with the outline, I don't follow it strictly. The outline is more of a guideline. It helps me stay on track, to get to the end of the fic. Sometimes, when I'm writing, the story takes a slightly different direction. Having an outline helps, because that means I can come back to it, and change little things here and there to accommodate the new stuff I brought in.

Editing process. I don't read my chapters until i finish writing it first. But once I finish a chapter, I don't read them until the next day, that way I have a fresh look at it. Honestly, I kind of wing it when it comes to editing. The only exception to this is Halves of the Same Coin, where I had an amazing beta reader (@soft-anomaly) to help me once I realize the fic was going out of control (Og plan for HotSC was initially 30k words. It ended at 75k+ words)

My general rule of thumb for chapters is 3k words, minimum. However, if the chapter has sensitive material or essential plot stuff, then I write until I'm satisfied with the results. This can end with a 7k word chapter. That's what I did with HotSC. Beginnings of an End is different. It's not as plot heavy as HotSC, hence the shorter chapters. Shorter chapters also mean faster updates.

Posting fics. I like to post fics at night for one reason only. I'm too anxious and nervous by how it will be received 🥲 I'm not perfect, sometimes I'm self conscious about what I write because then I think what if no one likes it?? it's why I sleep it off 😅 these fears are always gone in the morning tho, when I look at the comments and kudos ^-^

[dragonmage]

After watching the game play I'm still on kinda hype but kinda anxious about it.

TLDR; some probably wrong theories about what we're getting, mostly positive but also seems like not as much New Fun things tm

-I loved the animations and art style and backgrounds

-Levels: I think its gonna be like Inquisition and parts of 2 where the levels are more 'set paths' kinda things with beautiful backgrounds very much like Val Royeaux - which is kinda iffy on how little was in Val Royeaux but I imagine there's gonna be 'open world' areas much like the Hinterlands. Idk why I expected something different but I did, and am just worried about how much we'll actually get to explore

-The Combat was Kinda Good Kinda Bad - it was hard to tell exactly how much was button combinations or just spamming X; it looked like there was a parry and a dodge option, and as some others said reminded me of Jedi: Fallen Order - which I really enjoyed !.

-I can already kinda guess though that at higher difficulties the enemies are just gonna be health sponges; idk what difficulty they were playing at its already seemed like the baddies weren't that hard but just didn't go down quickly

-I don't/didn't particularly care for switching between party members, but I also think it will be missed - there was so many times where I had to play Cassandra 1v1ing a dragon bc the rest of my party went down lol. I think it added a level of strategy - again not that I used it much, but it was a mechanic of at least 2 and inquisition that I relied on for harder fights.

-I really really liked the rain effects in cutscenes and on characters - i hope that theres a blood option like that lol.

-I was on the fence about Varric Dying and everyone's theories that he is, but there's no way he's not after that game play lol. I saw a tiktok saying that they could see it where Varric's the one in charge/leading/gathering the Veilguard and with his dying is how Rook becomes leader of the Veilguard and yeahhhh that seems pretty accurate.

-I like the companions commenting on your personality, it's always been a fav component of mine and it seems it might pop up more than in Inquisition.

-Oh the entire opening/showed sequence reminded me so much of the Inquisition one which is kinda :/ but it was good , but also sad in how much it feels like a repeat of a climatic/cinematic set piece (ala bridge collapse, demons, sliding, the veil fucky). The magic effects look gorgeous tho.

-Obligatory comment about Varric not being blonde/ginger

-Saw some others comment on dialogue/voice acting; for me it seemed on par with Inquisition, and again a neither bad nor good thing lol. I can see the faults of it having to establish what happened in Inquisition for new players, but again seems like par for the course.

-The different factions seem very interesting to me, and with how much it was showed in the 'tutorial' I'm curious if they're making it even more apparent than again previous games, at least dialogue wise

-I really think that regardless of class, everyone might be getting some 'extra/magic' abilities - someone pointed out that Harding might have some little extra oomf, and with the limited party, ON TOP OF Veil fuck shit, I think it's very possible to see not only party members with interesting mechanics, that Rook has the potential to arcane stuff - I mean the whole thing with the Veil was that Solas was opening it and giving elves magic (iirc, and the funny hahas about Fenris running around with mage spells lol) so it'd be interesting if that was something race effected as well.

-but overall positive, I think it'll feel like more of the same which isn't bad, but I had also hoped with how much time in development There'd be Something More - this is also based off just some sneak peak stuff. I just don't want a repeat of Andromeda where they change the entire feel to something watered down thats for a bigger audience but essentially not Dragon Age/Bioware

-I would love to comment on the story because at the end of the day thats why I play. - game play wise, it seemed expected, story wise I like how many potential things were brought up but its way too early to tell how much we're going to get. It seems more than Andromeda and Inquisition with the factions and new characters and I can only hope that it has as much depth as breadth that its showing

[zorilleerrant]

One more coffee headcanon please, but this time about either Cass or Helena? I'm absolutely loving these and it's making me wonder about everything!

I don't think Cass likes stimulants. like. just at all. she also has trouble with caffeine anyway because her proprioception is so honed that she can tell the difference between Actually Awake and Can't Sleep, so it just makes her feel itchy and anxious if she has more than a little bit of it at a time. other stimulants prod the awake part instead of just blocking the asleep part, so they're not as bad, but the whole thing is mostly no good to her.

the problem is she really likes the taste of coffee. like, not every single one of them tastes good to her, and she got bored of the powdered kind quickly, but there are so many different components she loves to swirl them around on her tongue for ages. so she really enjoys the fancy coffee some of the rest of her family want, but she really enjoys simpler coffee like Steph likes, too. and mixed coffees! oh, Cass loves everything that's mixed, but coffee especially.

because she can taste the individual flavors in it, and piece together how it was made - or she can't, which is an interesting mystery by itself. it feels like something forbidden, because for her earliest years all her food was so regimented and bland; she had to eat the exact same food as everyone else, and her father didn't have time to waste on making food taste like anything. she ate quickly and didn't bother tasting what little flavor there was.

when she ran, it was like the world opened up to her. (it wasn't good, always, or even mostly, and she shouldn't have eaten a lot of what she tried to.) she'd never had sweets before, and everyone - whether with bad intentions or good, so she never learned to do anything but generalize it - tried to give them to her, because she was so small, and so curious. and so many of them tasted good! the opposite of hurting! so she subconsciously associates sweet foods with non-violence, because she associates bland foods with murder. not drinks, because people didn't offer her more than plain cocoa or juice until she met the Batfamily, so she actually associates sugary coffee drink directly with the Bat symbol. she noticed that one tho (she thinks it's funny, and will occasionally call the Batsignal the Coffeesignal or her coffee reminder.)

food has always been a social thing to her, because even with her father, she would eat with dozens of other people (and often with him), so she likes to go out and get coffee together. she likes to get the coffee for other people, too, because this rotated between people to serve out food to each other, and, being very small, she got excited when it was her turn. she likes to remember the happy things. some of them even had coffee; she remembers pouring it. so maintaining her ability to fetch coffee and share it is important to her. she will not refill the pot, tho, she hates that. she'll only make a fresh pot. and preferably only if the coffeemaker beeps a lot.

anyway, she tries not to have too much because it distracts her while she's working, but it's hard because she loves the way it swishes around in her mouth. she's tried to describe the feeling of all those flavors but she either doesn't have the words yet or her family just thinks she's super weird. also she's figured out how to grind and roast the beans and she absolutely loves it it's the stimmiest thing ever and she's going to do it forever.

[minnow-doodle-doo]

THE BATMOBILE HAS LOST ITS WHEELS (speaking of i need to read this one again i love it so much)

I'm so glad you love it!! Tho I don't ever really think I'll finish it. But I can tell you how the middle and end would go.

Chapter 4: they go to the batcave, which Wayne manor is owned by Alfred, whole also lives in Birmingham, and from there Bruce gets Jason cleaned up, and explains that he knows about the situation. Jason defends himself, he's not a snitch.

Bruce says that he knows but that doesn't change the fact that everyone is looking for him for that. And then Bruce gives him an out, he can find a way for him to be fostered with him, under a new name and he can go to school and heal and he can decided what h wants to  do when his leg is healed. 

Jason says he’ll think about it and Bruce lets him sleep. He thinks and thinks it seems like Bruce means him no harm, he's batman, and bruce wayne, who’d a thunk that. 

As jason sleeps, Bruce is having a hard time being back in the cave, and tries to push out the thoughts that he's not batman anymore and that dick isn't there. 

So he sleeps too, back in his old chair. 

Jason is the one to wake him up, as he hobbles to Bruce and pokes him and he starles harshly. He says that he’ll come with him, only if he gets to go to school. 

Bruce smiles slightly. 

The drive back is quiet and awkward, but they leave gotham and Bruce watches Jason watch the Gotham skyline get smaller behind them.

Cut to Tim, he’s out taking pictures of the manor, he likes to do that when he’s anxious, and he sees Bruce leave with Jason. Now he knows that Batman is alive. He takes a picture of the license plate of Bruce's truck.

Chapter 5: They get back to Bruce’s new house in the woods and Alfred has already set up the room. They all talk about guidelines and rules, Alfed makes dinner and it's a little less awkward than the car ride. 

Alfred has already got materials for him to get ready to start 8th grade in the fall. His birthday is right at the cut off. They have the whole spring and summer to get him ready.

The rest: So Jason is falling into a rhythm there and he is bored but Bruce starts to bringing him books and they have his ID set up so he goes to school as Bruces 'cousin'

Now Tim finds them and gets caught stalking them (he's been talking the bus/ubers) out in the boonies but he keeps coming back and they just kinda keep him when his parents are out of the country.

Jason and Tim become fast friends and months and months go by and life is alright, Bruce thinks of him as his boys. They bring up Robin a couple of times.

Anyway cut to like a year later, Barbra finds the tires at an auction and tells Bruce so everyone goes back to Gotham for a little trip and he buys the tires.

But the joker who killed Dick is watching and follows them and then tries to reenact what happened with Dick. But Jason gets loose and beats Joker to death with his tire iron, partly so he doesn't hurt his newfound family and partly to get revenge for Dick, even tho he had only met him once.

After that Alfred says he's clean it all up and tells Bruce to run to a safe house with his boys and so they drive having to start all over again. (They just kinda steal Tim)

the chapter bits are below the cut

Everything came back in small pieces laid out over blurry vision. Except the pain, which hit him like a truck.

Jason sucked in a breath, and more things came into focus. The ceiling, if you could call it that, was stone stories above him, as if he were in some cave.

It took a couple of moments to realize he was in a cave.

Adrenaline was the only reason he was able to sit up and look around, which confirmed further that he was in a cave, a cave with high tech equipment and huge computer monitors. In a black swivel chair sat a man. 

The day's events came back to Jason full force. 

The man was Batman. Alive. Real. And apparently very asleep if the closed eyes and the deep breaths were anything to go by.

Jason could take this opportunity to run, but with his fucked up leg, he couldn't get far. The last time he had broken his leg, thanks to dear old dad, it had taken eight weeks to even get the cast off. Eight weeks of crutches and hopping around, at least he had his mom to lean on sometimes.

And he had been stabbed on top of that. 

“You're awake.” a deep voice broke the silence of the cave.

“So are you now.” Jason said and tried to not let fear leak out into his reply.

With the help of the cane, Batman pushed himself up and walked over to his bedside. 

Jason was keenly aware he didn't have a weapon. The fear must have been obvious as Batman again dropped a knife into Jason’s lap.

“It's yours now.”

Jason didn't need to be told twice, the hilt in his hand steadied his breathing.

“How did you know I was Batman?”

Jason should have expected this question, no one knew Batman’s face and how 

“Your teeth were too white and straight to be from the area

“You broke your leg pretty bad. Dr. Thomkins was able to fix you up though.”

“You said-”

“She came here, she’s not gonna tell.”

Jason knew this. He had been to Dr. Thomkins too many times over the year, most everyone in Crime Alley had. She was one of the only universally trusted figures there, she helped people, every single one.

The woman from yesterday must have been her then, the blurry figure in his memory did look like her.

“I know what the police are trying to do to you.” Batman said as he watched the monitors Jason was hooked up too. “It isn't right.”

Of course Batman knew that. “Yeah so it isn't right, they do that shit all the time.”

“Language.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “What does it matter? That if I snitch for real to the police that I’ll still be shipped off to a foster home, if I live long enough for that to happen. Both of those options are no-gos.” the more he talked the more angry he became. “I’m not the first and I won’t be the last.”

“That’s why I wanna offer you a chance to have a foster home outside of Gotham. I can get you into good ones, with a new name, away from the gangs and police.”

“No!” Jason snapped, raising his knife in threat, even if it visibly shook. “No more foster homes!” He had gotten lucky with the Dick Grayson Orphanage, but luck was never on his side.

Batman studied him, still not bothered by someone pointing a knife at him.

“Another option is that you can stay with me then.”

Jason blinked, that was the last thing he had thought would happen. “What-Why?”

“You need help.”

“I don’t!” 

Unfazed, Batman continued. “You’d get a new identity, away from all this. You’d get to go to school again, be a kid.”

“Not a kid.” Jason hissed, still trying to comprend what the fuck Batman was going on about.

“Think about it. We can find other options too. Dr. Thompkins will come and check on you in a couple of hours.”

Those couple of hours were filled with tense silences, only interrupted by the MRE’s eaten between them. Jason couldn’t even relax as he scarfed down the beef ravioli and the rest of the meal, thank god that it had been sealed being opened or else he would have refused. The knife never left Jason’s side.

Batman’s words bounced around his mind, it couldn’t be that simple.

Finally Dr. Thompkins walked down the winding stairs, and Jason let out a breath of relief. Her and Batman talked for a bit, out of earshot and backs turned, but when the doctor turned she smiled at him.

“Jason, it's good to see you awake.” She said as she came up to his bedside. “You’ve really got yourself in quite the predicament.” it wasn’t quite scolding but it brought back memories of her making him take his shots.

Jason shrugged his shoulders. 

“Batman, you don’t need to be here for this conversation.” She waved her hand and Batman actually listened, making himself scarce. Jason hadn’t realized she had that kinda power, it was kinda awesome she could just dismiss Batman.

“Broken nose in multiple places, broken leg, a stab wound. Jason, you almost died from blood loss. You're lucky I knew your blood type already and had a transfusion ready.”

“It wasn't even that much blood!”

She shot him a look which shut him right up, “Anyways, I’m going to do some tests.”

A nagging question slipped out of Jason's mouth as Dr. Thomkins checked over her handiwork on his broken nose. “Is Batman a good person? Can I trust him?”

“Yes.” Dr. Thomkins said without hesitation. “I’ve known him since he was a child, just like you. He always tries to do what he thinks is right, for no other reason other than it is right.”

“Like dressing up in a bat suit and beating up criminals?” Jason snickered, imagining a child Batman with a too big costume, eyepatch and all.

“Even that. I didn't say anything about being…unconventional. Batman does want to help you, because that's the right thing to do.”

Pursing his lips, Jason thought of Dr. Thomkins words.

“He told me what he offered you.” 

Surprised, Jason studied her face. “He did?”

“He did. He did that for his previous ward, more or less.”

Robin died though, probably by the same thing that fucked up half of Batman’s bodywent unsaid “Does he really mean that I would be able to go back to school?” tentative hope slipped through into his tone. 

Dr. Thomkins smiles softly. “Yes. You deserve to go back to school Jason. You deserve a second chance.”

Jason didn’t reply, only ghosting his fingers over the blade in his hand. 

The rest of her visit was thoughtfully silent.

Tim liked to photograph Wayne Manor. It was as if he could pretend that Batman and Robin were alive and well. Maybe they’d be getting ready for patrol, looking over evidence together, or eating a snack. Normal, not dead things. 

So that was why Tim found himself sneaking onto his neighbors property, ignoring that it was private property and that it was a school night. He had taken this route through the woods a number of times, he obviously wasn't just gonna walk up the driveway.

A black pickup truck, a newer model, sat next to a cave entrance. It was too clean to have been left there for long periods of time. The tread marks were deep with speed and more importantly new. 

Tim made sure to stay hidden in the trees, as he took a picture of the license plate. This was gonna be so exciting for him, like a real stakeout, like a real detective. 

Hours went by but Tim stayed strong. Batman would’ve stayed, and so would Tim. 

Finally someone was coming. Two someones, to be more exact. Both hobbling through the shadows till they came out of the entrance, a child on a pair of crutches and a tall scarred man with a cane.

Tim took a lot of pictures for evidence. Who was this man, he was so familiar, but it was hard to tell anything with the scars. The boy at least was a total mystery, (a mystery with a broken nose and foot if the cast and gauze were anything to go by.)

They loaded themselves into the truck without saying a word, and the man turned the truck around tightly and left the way they came. 

Tim smiled to himself, as he flipped through the pictures, zooming in on the man's face. His scar side had been facing Tim most of the time. One photo though, has his face turned slightly, enough to see his one blue eye. 

Tim tried to not to hyperventilate, as he stared harder at the pixels. The bridge of the nose was the same, the eyebrow, the jawline; everything.

That was Bruce Wayne.

Batman. 

Alive. 

Tim promptly burst into happy tears, and quickly wiped them even if there was no one around to see. A big grew on his face as he stood up.

He had a license plate to run.

“He’s not spooky, you're just a pu- uh…scaredy-cat.”

[studioboner]

Hi! I actually am wondering about trying watercolors for the first time but feel a little anxious haha.. how you go about drawing on the paper with confidence? Like, watercolor paper isn’t exactly cheap. I think I got the cheapest one avaible from Canson but still the anxiety is real… do you pick very light pencils like 2B so you can sketch veryyy lightly, or before sketching on the paper itself you do a planning sketch in another paper?

Im asking this cos I really love your art and it’s so cool that it’s mostly traditional! And the way you draw Tails is too adorable and consistent while being in your style, it always feels like you have confidence when you draw him.

oh i think this is gonna be a long one

all in all?i have the same anxiety as you. but i've confidense that i can make something good sometimes, but not that i will get it right every time. So i keep trying, but heres some stuff that helped

a warning though, i keep going on and on in this reply and can get pretty negative at times

my watercolor paper i use costs 2 dollars and has 20 sheets so that's 10 cents per sheet. which i feel helps with my anxiety... it's the canson multimedia block too, 140 msg .....

watercolor sketchbooks i'd find online were around 80 or more BRL, and then 20 BRL shipping.... that's 20 USD in total...

but a block of this plus getting it binded costs me 4 USD.....so i think that one [price] helps alot lol.....

as for the confidence.....

i've had enough time to do quite a bit of trad art, specifically ink and watercolors so im USED to the material and now quite as scared to "mess up" as when i first started it.... [hint, i still am] this is one example of a sketch page, they vary in size, and how "done" they are... i dont really worry too much about maintaining a rule of "everything in this sketchbook must be fully rendered " bc it ended up stunting my creativity

i did try the "sketch it onto a sketchbook and then pass it to watercolor paper" approach and tbh...? not really my thing... i've found that to me the first sketch always end up being looser than when i pass it on... i'm always more focused on getting the flow, composition and pose there than i am getting the right details or right lines or colors etc....

like this one, im more happy with the sketch, it's mroe dynamic, mroe fun

i DO sketch stuff on cheaper paper first when it's for trad art commissions though, just bc there i HAVE to make sure the client is getting what they asked

and i do use 2b pencils AND a "soft lead" mechanical pencil, btu tbh it's mroe bc of the feeling of it on paper than for the look of it...

here for example you can see the circle i used to have a basis on where tails would be.. i didnt erase it as i continued painting bc tbh it was just the sketch. i ended up liking it tho

i actually got quite MAD and angry at myself recently bc i noticed how much my sketches were looser in the sketchbooks when i did try the passing onto watercolors thing and i had a full on discussion with a fellow artist about daring myself to be bolder in the future, it has been working well

I sadly have to say though, that figuring out how to build confidense is more of a personal journey, and i cant claim that what worked for me [trusting my first sketch] would work for you.....

It's time, practice, trial and error....

OH, one thing though that DID help me. is:

-There's no art wasted, even if it doesnt turn out how you wanted it, you still learned something.

-Makins these personal art/fanarts isn't some school paper you have to hand it to be graded and then not get it back. You can re-do a piece as many times as you want until you get it right! I have quite a queue of pieces i plan on re-doing in the future bc i didnt like the first ones i did. im not perfect on confidence and i get scared of fully committing to drawings alot, many of them are pale not for choice bc bc i got scared of making my art too saturated and overworking it

i am about to get negative now so stop reading if you dont want to see that.

HERE NOW i's a alot of pieces i made that im unsatisfied with and plan on re-doing one day: too dull, simply way too watered

which led me to make THIS piece and do better colors

i hATE the way i did the lineart here. it's boring, the anatomies are wonky. it's a good concept but i didnt excecuted it as well as i wanted. but this piece has made me just go and try inking MORE so i could make up for it

which lead to this piece here eventually

This one here.... the colors look so muddy it just makes me SAD, bc i had been so scared to use high saturation that i went with the muddier colors by choice, if i had allowed myself to experiment i wonder how happier i'd be about it

which led me to make THIS piece with softer in value and more saturated colors

The colors and blending of this one are too soft and not bold enough for what i had envisioned it, i made it as fanart of a friends fic and it made me feel like i failed my friend and insulted her fic when i finished this. I dont think the piece looks bAD, mind you. i know it looks cute. and good even. But i had such high hopes for it.

which led me to make this one

THIS ONE OH MY GOD HOW I HATE IT. sonics expression is SO creepy hes like a horror movie weirdo , honestly not my best work when it comes to anatomy

so i've been doodlin sonic now and then as practice so that i could make this one eventually

The perspective on knuckles could be better and the characters look out of place on this scene, the background is ok

but in this piece here i was able to get a better harmony between colors, background and whatever sparse linework i threw in

Theres so many more haha but i'll stop for now....

Dont get me wrong i dont ACTUALLY think those pieces are HORRIBLE horrible,,,, i see the flaws in them yes, but theres always something i like too, and i know people like them, and that people wont throw away a whole piece over one small detail that in the end doesnt even affect the overall thing....

i've just been getting into the headspace of "ok. at least this one is done, onto the next"

plus the whole thing i told you of realising my first sketches are looser....

sorry im not too good at talking about this and my points arent very clear, i dont think this is going to be quite the help you expected it to be because the truth is that the struggle with your art is soemthign that doesnt go away no matter what skill you have...

at times to me it feels more like a mentality practice than skill, reasurring myself that it's ok to get it wrong and try again, etc etc....

i used to go to therapy and one of the things we talked about was my perfectionism, how i used to be so scared to mess up a piece. that i wouldnt even start, and wouldnt draw for months. this has been going for years now and hey i've gotten better.

but..... yeah im in the same boat as you.... except mine is no longer just about the paper quality!

Sorry this got so personal now, i hope that this hasnt killed your hopes on getting better at the anxiety. it does get way better haha... trying to force your brain to not judge yourself so harshly is half the battle in my opinion, the practice of drawing is the other half....

good luck i hope you have fun painting, i know i do, i love the process even when i dont like the result, good night and thank you for the question

[daz4i]

ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

[real-life-cloud]

Hey uhh I vaguely remember reading in your tags somewhere some time maybe long ago that you were homeschooled, do you mind me asking just generally what that was like? Don‘t share if you don‘t want to

Y'know what, sure! I like telling stories and oversharing on the internet tbh. Strap in lol it got long.

Tldr; homeschooling was isolating, it definitely set me back socially. The self paced nature of the work put way too much pressure on me, and now I have terrible choice paralysis and rarely finish a project I start. If you or someone you know is considering homeschooling someone, make sure they know what they're getting into.

A lot of homeschooled kids were put into that kind of schooling because their parents want to monitor them. That's not healthy. I'm sure that's not how it is every time and that there's applications of homeschooling that work for people, but it needs to be done well. Kids need to be properly socialized, supported, and given the privacy they need.

Some background info on why I left public: There was an incident where a teacher yelled at me for no good reason in front of the entire student body during lunch. (I was holding a piece of paper (THAT ANOTHER TEACHER GAVE ME FOR HIM TO SIGN) in the lunchroom which wasn't allowed??) I was EXTREMELY embarrassed and anxious around that teacher from then on. I got moved to a different class so I didn't have to be near him. The guidance counselor was really helpful during the whole thing.

OKAY storytime 📖

"Homeschooling" can mean a couple different things , I did it two different ways at points in my life. I feel like the first thing ppl think of is being taught at home by a tutor or parent, but I wasn't homeschooled in this way. And I was in public school until about 7th grade actually!

However, my mom was super mad, and wanted to talk to the man that yelled at me, but the principal wouldn't let her. They kept giving excuses as to why but the jist was: the guy was an asshole and they knew it. SO mom got fed up with the staff and just pulled me out of public school altogether. It was actually my idea! The thought of seeing that teacher again was so upsetting that I just wanted to leave.

[ I feel like I should also mention that I grew up religious and that it was super common for kids to be homeschooled in my church; you were looked up to for homeschooling your kid bc it "kept them away from bad association" and "gave them more time to devote to god." So my mom didn't really fight me on the suggestion. ]

First, I did cyber school! I was in cyber school from 7th - 10th ish. I was given a laptop that blocked anything fun (but not well, so I zipped right past all the blocks lol) and had online classes. It was similar to how I think school worked during covid? No cameras yet tho, just a teacher on VC with power point slides and a chatroom for students. I was a pretty good student up until this point, but I started barely scraping by a lot of classes and failing others. I think I retook pre algebra 3 times? I passed with a very low D 🫶

And SOME classes were self paced. Those were the Fucking Worst. No teacher, not really. I could technically email a teacher with questions but I was a horribly anxious little 14 yr old so no way was I gonna do that. I remember one year I had a civics class that was self paced and I was so lost and stressed about it that I procrastinated til the entire course had like a week til it was due. And it wasn't just tests, I had to make multiple power points on different topics throughout the course. I had a complete emotional breakdown in front of my mom cause I'd been hiding this from her. I was so afraid she'd be mad, but she helped me finish everything on time. She basically did like half of it for me, bless her. God I hated that class.

So at this point school is going. Kind of really bad. My grades suck and half the time I cheat. I don't really have friends because all I do is sit on my laptop and go to church with my family. I didn't have any contact with my old school friends because they weren't a part of my religion. (Jehovah's Witnesses are super exclusive and cult-y) And teenage me has just realized they're not straight!

Like many isolated, repressed, gay teenagers, I mainly expressed myself online. But a few months after I turned 16, my parents found my secret email account that was connected to all my private social media. It was very apparent I was gay. So I outed myself by accident. They pretty much took away all my access to the internet and started paying super close attention to the media I consumed. I'm just glad they didn't go to our church elders and tell on me for my sins or whatever. Life continued as "normal" with them just. Pretending it didn't happen and hoping and praying that I'd magically turn straight. I actually recently found out that my parents NEVER talked about my sexuality with each other during this stage. They just completely avoided the topic.

[ another note, my entire immediate family is actually out of that religion now, and everybody's cool with the gay thing 🫶 my dad actually told me that my coming out is what made him question some things with our religion. ]

But then it became a question of what I was supposed to do for school. I couldn't be on the Websites That Turn You Gay, but I was also doing bad in school and would be put behind a grade or two. Not to mention I was terribly anxious and hadn't really socialized with people my age for the past 3 or so years.

That's how I started correspondence schooling! Another kind of home schooling. It's exactly what it sounds like. The school sends you books and tests, then you mail back the finished papers to be graded. And you might be thinking, Cloudy didn't you just go over how much you hated the self paced classes in cyber? This sounds just like that but worse! And I would say why yes, anon, I did! Such a good memory!! Gold star for you ⭐

This schooling didn't go great, as you could imagine... I think I finished two classes? This didn't have any time limit, however. So why on earth would I feel any pressure to do anything? Overall it was a giant waste of money. I just kept not doing it! Then life got super crazy, I won't go into detail but it was a rollercoaster of family drama, my mental health being at the worst it ever was, and leaving that religion. And then covid!!!! Everything happens so much 😞

I was so far from my diploma that I gave up on finishing my classes and started focusing on getting my GED. This took me another 2 years lol. I finally got it last summer!! I also landed a new job in the spring after being unemployed for a little over a year. And I just got my driver's license last week! It's taken me a longgggg time but my life is on the roll again. This is probably more than you were asking about but yeah.

[laskulohi]

Tagged in by @ducklikethedaffy thanks!

Are you named after anyone?

- My first name, not really, no. But my middle name, Samuel, comes from the name "Sami," which was supposed to be my name at one point. And apparently, Sami was supposed to be a combination of my parents' names - I was almost named as a ship name, basically. But then my bio father turned out to be a piece of shit, so yuh. (Also, Samuel might be an spn reference, but I'll deny that if asked 🔪)

When was the last time you cried?

- Pretty sure it was while watching something, but I don't remember what or when it was🤔 Like a month ago with Last of Us? Maybe.

Do you have kids?

- If not counting the pets, no sir.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

- Whatever do you meeaan?

What sports do you play/have you played?

- I did taekwondo and football as a kid. The football phase evolved into a running hobby that I still do (even if it's more walking/jogging these days adhshaja)

I also did weightlifting as a teenager and would still like to do it if I had the equipment. Or not anxious and just go a gym-

And swimming has always been fun.

What's the first thing you notice about other people?

- Copying Rebe here, but yeah, their vibe!

Eye colour?

- Dark/forest green!

Scary movies or happy endings?

- Ooo depends on the mood. Generally I prefer the 'happy ending' movies, but I do appreciate a good scary movie.

Any special talents?

- I've been told I have good musical instincts, like with the rhythm/pace and my voice. Not too confident with my musical side tho; not pursuing that in any way. The pacing thing comes in handy while video editing tho.

The other thing I've gotten positive feedback is storytelling! Literally my favorite thing in my free time is to work on the Orielo project & storytelling aspects in collage projects. Both creating and analyzing existing media are just *chef's kiss* I'm trying to be more confident and excited to learn more.

Where were you born?

- Finland

What are your hobbies?

- Writing, video editing, gaming.

Do you have any pets?

- We have our wonder trio! I had my snake Philip first. He turns 6 this year and is the most well-behaved child.

My family rescued a cat family from the woods back in 2019 and I bonded with one of the kittens pretty quickly. I was the only human he trusted and went agshsjsj😭💖 I named him Myrsky (storm in finnish) cuz he's such a menace for everyone else.

And then there's Bakugo, our tiny bagel tail akita. We got her last fall - she has grown so fast🧡

My second cat Pekka is still alive and well. He didn't take our last move well and I had to return him to my mother. We tend to move around a lot, and Pekka gets stressed easily, while Myrsky isn't bothered by traveling. I miss him, but he's much happier there💕

How tall are you?

- 172 cm / 5'7 last time I checked.

Fave subject in school?

- Definitely art and English. My only good grades throughout my academic career. I guess my grade in PE was pretty high too, but most of the school sports were horrible, horrible.

Dream job?

- Writer / Storyteller

tagging @tieflingtiefling @violetscanfly @notashrew but no pressure + mutuals feel free to consider yourself tagged

[zenosanalytic]

Paintbrush, PlasGlue, and Holy Clippers: Sparse Marns Part IV: Basecoats Part I

Heya! So my painting project's going well, but the steps are... So Much, and my time to paint each day is So Limited, and the photos Im taking are So Numerous, so I'm changing the terms of the deal and covering the painting in multiple posts instead of one OvO

Ok So: Here's an idea of how they all looked just before I started painting, via Stumbly and Done, with I think two days of the prime drying, and in Crispier, more artificial light than I've been shooting:

And now: The Team

Brushes

These are two different packs, from two different brands, from the local Michaels, in a paintcup from Lowes. I think the orange ones were 5 bucks(Hodge-Podge I wanna say?) and the white ones were 8? I should have probably recorded prices at time of purchase -__-

Next: Some towels for wiping my brushes with and general cleanliness-Utility:

These are disposable microfiber cloths, again from Lowes. Im pretty sure paper towels would work just as well but I've found myself in the painting section often of late, was curious how these would do, and they were EXTREMELY cheap.

Then: some jars for cleaning my brushes.

I used two so that I would have a jar of absolutely CLEAN water for wetting my brush after I've washed it in the other one and dried it on the cloth. Im using exclusively water-based paints so it's just water in these jars; there's no reason to use a mask for the painting part of this project as no turpentine or other such solvents will come anywhere NEAR this project(except for Mr. Dissolved, of course, and we're passed that uwu uwu uwu)

Ok next I wanted to try using a wet palette, something I've never done before, and, while I COULD just go buy one, I figured I'd try making one instead as it seemed fairly easy to do(actl it seems easier that the official version? Looking around at Michaels the "Acrylic paper" they use for wet palettes requires soaking in BOILING WATER for like 15 MINUTES before use??? Maybe I found the wrong stuff tho). So, I went and got a rubbermaid box I wasn't using

(Pentel R.S.V.P. bk90 Fine for scale), Put a paper towel in it like so

Got it wet(just damp; not soaked), poured off(and wrung out) any excess, then cut a piece of waxpaper to shape and pressed it in

The idea here is that the paint will sit safe from slurp and dissolution on the waxpaper while water wicks up SLOOOOOWLYYYY through it from the paper towel, keeping it moist without diluting it. This generally worked well, tho it took me awhile to get used to it and to working with the paint, which I got anxious/paranoid over a few times.

And lastly, of course, because one should NEVER go ANYWHERE without at least 3-5 notebooks on their person, a memobook and pen

Obvsl I'd include these purely on Principle, but as a practical matter it's useful to have a method for recording how many Parts of Which Color go into any colors you might mix in the course of painting u_u u_u

OK: Now it's time to make some Motherfucking CHOICES >:3

Originally, my plan was to paint these as Ultramarines. They're a Pretty Basic Blue, Red, Gold(with some white accents; GEE I wonder where that color scheme comes from???) scheme, which are all really Solid, Vibrant, Reliable colors. This subfaction is also quite literally the Model Spess Marins and posterboys for the whole model line/faction, and so there are LOTS of painting tutorials and examples out there for them and also-also I could use the box art as a handy painting-reference :> :>

BUT!

If I ever decide to play WH40k, I wouldnt want to do it with Gillman's Legionnaires(no offense to them; they're about the closest things to 'Good Guys' as Spess Marins[and WH40K humans generally outside the Adeptus Custodes/sisters of silence] GET), but rather with mine own Best Lad brainfruits: the Nova Paladins uvu uvu uvu

if I painted them as Ultramrines, I could never use them as part of that army(well I could, but only as an allied detachment, which would cause all sorts of complicated rules Shenanigans that I dont want to get into, unless I played the NPs under UM rules cuz, obvsl, you cant just PLAY your own madeup ruleset with other ppl--- It's Complicated Alright >:| >:|)

This is supposed to be a Fun and Learning experience and, as Dear Old Bob was so fond of saying, painting is about Doing What You Want; this is my own world with ALL the Happy Little Trees I WANT godsdammit so:

I decided to paint them as the Nova Paladins :3

But this Immediately presents a problem! The Nova Paladin paint scheme is (a skeletal, yellowish)white, yellow, and orange, and these are the three MOST finicky and difficult paints to paint with(allegedly u_u u_u and, spoilers, they SORT of are but theyre not THAT bad u_u u_u u_u) u_u My solution was simple: I LIKE difficult and finicky things and thus Do Not Care >:3 >:3

SO:

The Paints: and oh no! The initial pictures I took of these SUCKED so I just took some new ones with better, more LEGIBLE, lighting X| X| X|

These are my basecoats. I Know this looks intimidating but plz calm down!

The general concept for the Nova Paladins is a Bright, Warm, Friendly, almost EXPLODY(hence the name) "Heroic" color scheme: Knights in Shining Armor, vaporizing everyone they meet with the fury of 10000 Suns(ie: concentrated plasma rifles). The majority of each model(like 90% of them) is going to be the corax white there on the left: that's the "Primary" color which I planned to use for their armor. Then the imperial fist yellow would be my secondary color, for their pauldrons(the big shoulder bits), and for the sergeant's helmet. The Orange I planned to use as an accent color, tho at the time I hadn't really decided WHAT I'd be accenting with it. The mid-brown(bloodreaver flesh) I'd use for any leather details, such as their belts and pouches. The light beige there(Zandri dust) I'd use for any scroll or ribbon details. The red is a sort of secondary accent I planned to use exclusively for their grenades, and I held to that. Next to it, entirely illegible(X| X|), is Screamer Pink, which Im going to use for the seals/rosettes(which they are is a question whose answer properly lies only in the heart of each individual painter, and dont let anyone tell you different u_u) any ribbons will be attached to, and then the abaddon black I planned to use on the joint-bits showing through the armor, any tubing, and the Iron Sights on the guns, because Im Insane -__- I would MOSTLY follow this plan, but not entirely u_u u_u u_u

So, using This brush

I applied the white-layer, and here's Sarge to show how that looked

Pretty Spiffy! This was, I think, after the 2nd coat, and unfortunately a mouldline managed to survive through my ministrations on this one |:T It's not a HUGE deal; it disappeared as I built up layers.

I didn't find the white PHYSICALLY difficult to work with as others warned(it pretty much went where I wanted it too and didn't slink around), but it DID take me awhile to figure out the proper paint-water ratio with the brush, and I had a really hard time seeing it on the palette. Also, most painting vids will tell you to paint in "two thin coats" of each color, both to avoid globbing/unruly paint and to get a smoother, fuller finish without visible paintstrokes, but I ended up doing... A LOT of coats on these. Somewhere between 4 and 6 per model, and some sections maybe even more. Probably should have taken notes in my memopad during the painting for the sake of later accuracy :p :p That MIGHT have been the paint, it might have also been me using the wrong brush(I felt it worked fine, but it's a little short and bristly and its possible that's meant as a drybrush) but honestly it felt more like a combination of my learning how to properly work with the paint and my obsessive meticulousness. Building up progressive thin layers to a creamy full coat was... Satisfying OuO

Also, obvsl, I really struggled with workflow on this bit. My idea was to do All The Armor on one, then All The Armor on the next, etc etc, but I kept both circling back to sections I wasn't satisfied with AND forgetting sections I intended to paint with that approach which is BAD cuz you need to give the paint time to set; it was simply Too Broad a remit for my brain's Tendencies and I needed to pare it down. I would Form Resolves, considering this.

This step was my longest; my painting times have been deeply uneven day-to-day, but I'd say I easily spent 8 hours spread over 2.5 just on this. Again: I AM VERY DETAIL ORIENTED AND FINICKY: most ppl would NOT take this long on the primary base coat on their minis, even using white paint(which I'm pretty sure I was thinning down WAY too much at the start), and nor should they. But: I got the results I wanted, gained valuable experience with the paint and brush, and realized I needed to think harder about my workflow to get it Efficient. Also I think the black-grey-white tonal I used for the priming may have been too dark for such a bright scheme, but I'll get into that in my concluding/future projects post.

Once I was satisfied with the white coat, I turned to the yellow, and a different brush

This fellow. It's a longer brush, but the tip is finer and I thought that would help with the more detailed work. Generally I feel it worked well, tho there were moments where I or it slipped, and it painted where I didn't want it to. Not to worry! The base layer's just the start and touchup is always possible later. If, in your painting, you do get paint where you dont want you can either just paint over it once it dries with the color you like or, if you're fast enough and have a clean brush handy, try to swipe some of that paint off onto a brush, or even push some water into it to dilute it.

Immediately I recognized that Imperial Fist was too thin for what I wanted, especially with the prime I'd given it. tl;dr: Imperial Fist is a "Contrast Paint" and Contrast paints are a new line by GW meant to compete with "speedpaint" lines from other manufacturers which,building from a full-white prime, allow you to quickly paint up allot of figures. As thin paints(practically inks and nearly washes, imo) they settle into the recesses of the model giving you, as the name implies, good Contrasts and gradients across the model as a whole with just a few coats of a single color, and eliminating the need for lots of shading thereby. Imperial Fist just did not work with the prime I had. I thought this might be the case(despite some of the GW painting guides I'd found reccing it) so I bought a backup yellow which I now turned to:

Yriel yellow was much thicker, though "cooler" and not as red/orange/redgold a yellow as I really want for this scheme(IF absolutely has that sort of punch). I decided to give it a shot though, and it worked fine.

As I began to paint, I put my Resolves from the white layer into action. I would start painting section-by-section model-to-model (ie left shoulder on all of them, then right shoulder, then gun, etc etc). This approach worked allot better, for Me: it helped me to stay focused on One Thing and to move btwn the miniatures, letting each layer lay as it lie, knowing I could come back to "fix" any issues I had with it once dry, and preventing me from endlessly circling one model, trying to get everything Just So. Also: I began to move the minis from one side of the workspace to the other as I finished a layer, which helped me to keep track of which ones were done and which ones still needed work, and gave a satisfyingly tactile, concrete, and repetitive aspect to my progression. I feel like this approach would have sped up the white layer SIGNIFICANTLY.

It took about 3-4 coats until I was satisfied with the intensity of color on thier shoulders and the sergeant's helmet...

...and that was when I decided to do their guns in yellow too. GW aims for a bit of a 'Tacticool' aesthetic these days and as such the guns tend to be dark and metallic, but back when I first started following the hobby they were much more colorful and cartoony(with DANGER STRIPES, Even!), and I thought it'd be kind of a waste of that great yellow to just put it on the shoulders, and and I always preferred that more colorful approach anyway, so I painted the gun casings too :> :>

...and THEN I decided to paint their knees, also, in this yellow, cuz why not >:> >:> >:> Sometimes having one knee painted in the secondary color is used as a rank signifier for Spice Mariners, but I didn't care and different chapters do thing different all the time so It's Fine.

... and THEN-then, I decided the circle bits at the ankle of Primaris marine boots would look Neat in that yellow, too, so I painted THAT yellow also >:D >:D AND the matching interior circles >:D

Then, glutted with my POWA, I took some pics maniacally giggling ONLY SLIGHTLY:

Starting to come together >:> >:> I thought this looked really nice, but I still wanted that reddish PUNCH the Imperial Fist yellow had, and it occurred to me that, seeing as it looked like a wash and ACTED like a wash, I might as well try USING IT as a wash, so I did! And this is after that:

I think that IF contrast wash really gave the yellow bits a fuller, warmer, Snappier tone ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ Or at least I hope so: again, the pics are pretty blurry in the editor so idk how they look to y'all.

Anyway! I think I'll stop there for today cuz this post is Huge and has lots of pictures in it. Basecoats part 2 will include the Accents, All of the 8its, and also the Metallics :> :> Seeya then ^v^

[jyou-no-sonoko19]

2 - 13 - 17 - 65 - 78

(5 questions in one go because why the hell not 🌞)

5 is a quality number! (aesthetically my favourite, in fact)

[Referencing this post]

2. talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

Oh heck, the Curse in ch77/78 of AfM.

"Oh no no no no," it said to my chapter outline, "how easily you do forget, the degree to which actions have consequences."

13. talk about a writing experience that has pleasantly surprised you.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this one. Is it 'experience' as in a part of writing in general, or the experience of working on a particular piece?

I suppose... in general something that has pleasantly surprised me is how visibly one hones one's craft, within the space of just a few years, when you've got a reason to really, passionately focus on a single thing. I'd been writing long-form for a really long time prior to AfM, so I was no slacker stylistically. But really finding the actual core of my existence in conveying a particular story for that length of time, it did so much to improve me as a writer, because it felt like I was making the effort for the story, not just for myself.

17. what is your favourite line you’ve ever written?

I'm sorry, I just don't have this sort of brain! XD If you could narrow it down to 'What's the most impactful/cringe-inducing/intimate/tear-jerking/ominous etc etc line you remember writing', I could probably dig up something! But right now, I don't think I have that sort of relationship with my words. ^^;;

65. what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve written? 

*goes to browse my ao3 works*

Cos you know, I actually really enjoy titling things, it adds an extra layer of creativity, and sometimes -- I hope -- conveys bonus meaning to the content. As such, I put a lot of thematic thought into my titles and there's none I'm seeing that I'm particularly unhappy with. Apart from -- irony of ironies -- AfM itself! Because it was kind of a placeholder title for something that got to be so much more (like I wrote about in the afterword). Within AfM tho, the chapter titles are some of my favourites ever... so maybe I'll choose one of those to answer this!

...There's something really satisfying about the set of:

70. Out of Mind

71. Out of Sight

because it plays with a few things, most obviously the inversion of "out of sight, out of mind", where not seeing something is suggested to be a calming thing, whereas here, it very much is not.

70 being Lilith's POV, she is very much in her own mind (Mary being the one who is literally out of hers), but in the state of anxious frenzy that we colloquially call being 'out of one's mind'. And then, 71 as Mary's POV, she is the 'thing' that is quickly out of sight, despite being present the whole time, from the reader's perspective. I very much enjoy paired chapters like this, where you relive events from the flipped perspective that adds insight to what you read before, and 77/78 have the same feeling, in many ways.

Anyway, once 71's is no longer 'out of sight', 70's need no longer be 'out of mind'. And I enjoy that a lot.

78. how do you choose where to end a chapter?

Generally I have a clear place I’m working towards, and because I imagine scenes in a very theatrical way, it’s the point where the lights would go down on a stage, for the players to change location et al. Which is why my work is characterised by quite theatrically pronounced final lines of scenes and chapters. People have often said “Your last lines!!” etc and it’s very much me hitting that note of “and... Scene!” where there’s a micro sense of satisfaction that always leaves the audience impatient for the lights or curtain to come up again. The curtain being the chapter end, naturally, I try to always make those stronger, but scenes too -- if there’s more than one, unlike earlier AfM chapters -- need to have some sense of satisfaction, whether it be a necessity of forward motion, or a girding of the loins, or just some reward for having gone through whatever they the reader just did.

All that to say, sometimes I won’t get to the point intended, because my mind will suddenly give me the lights lowering, when a line is hit, and I realise that the scene has to end early because the necessary narrative or emotional beat has just been hit. Pushing for the previously intended end would feel forced, at least to me. And probably less impactful.

Well that was delightfully self-indulgent! Thank you, and-- *holds up empty porridge bowl for more validation of my prowess*

[tjsplace]

jun 21

11.05 am

the feeling in the pit of my stomach is back to haunt me once again. i'm feeling really fucking anxious this morning. i wanna sleep but my bed is uncomfortable and everything hurts when i wake up. fuck it, imma get high. only bearable thing to do right now.

11.28 am

i should wanna write a song. i want to but i'm too scared. scared of the physical pain involved. wrist, throat. i've been smoking too much. scared of not liking anything, it demotivates me so much. there's also the cathartic factor. i don't know if i can handle those feelings right now. i'm too upset. but maybe that'll help me work through it. which is all i wanna do. but i really don't want to get up from my desk, pick up the guitar, the notebook and pen, and sit on the floor. or on my uncomfortable unmade bed. i clearly have a lot to say. i don't wanna put the cigarette down. even though it annoys me. benny just started playing and i actually groaned. it scratches some part of my brain. the thing that annoys me the most about writing a song is that i have to stretch my whole body before doing it. otherwise i risk getting an injury on my wrist again. just because two years ago i got super high with my then band and started jamming and i guess i got too excited and strummed really hard? and also i didn't take care of my wrist properly. i immobilized it for two weeks before going to a doctor. i think i wore nothing for two weeks and then i got an immobilizer two weeks after and i didn't really look after it in, like, a month. i put on the boy ep hoping to get inspired. the songwriting is so good. sometimes i don't agree with a lot of the choices, but i get them. i can't unfreeze myself. i can't defrost my mind. my thoughts go to fast and i can't catch up to them. maybe i'm high but i think i always feel like this. high or not. i'm anxious when i'm lucid, i'm anxious when i'm high. what the fuck is this? i know stretching would make me feel so good right now. but i really want another cigarette. even tho my throat feels sore. i'm drinking water to ease the burn.

12.03 pm

i just wrote lyrics.

12.12 pm

i need so much validation it's insane. i didn't think i was like that anymore. but wow. i had to ask my friend mar if the lyrics i wrote were worthy of putting music to them. why can't i just think they're good? it's not my usual writing style. it's much too honest in a fictional way. mar knows what i mean.

11.13pm

i just watched a youtube video about overthinking. mostly because my roommate pointed out the obvious out loud. i do overthink a lot. sometimes i don't get to catch myself doing it. sometimes i can't stop it. i usually ask myself the whys. why am i unable to quit my vices? why have i never been in a relationship? why am i so fucking insecure? or fat, or ugly, or stupid. untalented, lazy, impatient piece of shit. but also i gotta know when these ruminating thoughts are interfering with the life i'm living. and i know it's a great life, then why am i miserable? no more why. what is it that i can do to feel better? write. i'm doing it. what's next? i'm drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and getting high by myself after doing it with my roommate. the very one who pointed out i'm good at overthinking. only thing i'm good at is the first thought in my mind. do i have to believe it? i don't want to. i know i'm good at a lot of things. i'm not a loser. i'm grateful for the life i have. but sometimes i get so fucking down and it pisses me off.