#tidemaker!reader

[dhampiravidi]

Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: Shadow and Bone (TV), The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo Rating: Explicit Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Original Female Character(s), The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, Alina Starkov/Original Female Character(s)

Additional Tags: Mildly Dubious Consent, Cheating, Hate Sex, Revenge Sex, Crying, Tsar The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova, Married The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Original Female Character(s), Overstimulation, Oral Sex, Bisexual Alina Starkov, Facesitting, Sad Ending, Soft The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova, Shadow Summoners (The Grisha Trilogy), Bisexual Female Character, Snark, What Was I Thinking?, Tidemakers (Grishaverse)

Summary:

You catch your husband, the great Tsar of Ravka, Aleksander Morozova, in bed with the Sun Summoner. Then he announces his intention to divorce you. So you decide to get your revenge, the only way you know will hurt him.

This can be seen as a less-happy alternative to the universe presented in my other fic, Moi Soverenyi.

[srslyblvck]

art of letting go, kaz brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x tidemaker!reader

synopsis: Kaz decides that the best way to protect you from the dangers of his world is to let you go.

warning: angst

word count: 1.4k

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ KETTERDAM WAS A CITY of shadows, where secrets were currency, and trust was a commodity too expensive for most. It was a city where survival meant hardening yourself against the world, and Kaz Brekker had mastered the art. But then you came along, slipping into the life of the Crows like a drop of water into the canals, altering the tides.

the city of endless shadows and sharp-edged deals, where the air was thick with smoke and greed, where people like you—soft-hearted, gentle-spirited—were swallowed whole. But you weren’t soft. Not anymore. The Little Palace had seen to that, had hardened you, shaped you into something more formidable, more dangerous. But still, Ketterdam wasn’t your home.

Kaz had found you in an alley, drenched and shivering, your Tidemaker powers slipping through your fingers like the rain that pooled at your feet. The darkness had been closing in, but Kaz had been there—his cane tapping against the cobblestones, his eyes assessing, calculating. You were powerful, that much was clear, and he was nothing if not opportunistic. He offered you a deal: safety from the Darkling in exchange for your skills. You had nothing left to lose, so you agreed.

For years now, you had been a Crow, woven into the fabric of Kaz Brekker’s schemes. You fought alongside him and saved his life and those of the other Crows more times than you could count. You weren’t made for the streets, but you had carved out a place for yourself, proving your worth time and time again.

But Kaz knew. He saw the way your eyes lingered on the few patches of sky visible between the buildings, the way you paused by the canals, longing for something more than this grimy, crime-ridden city. He noticed the way you touched your mother’s locket absentmindedly when you thought no one was watching, the way you hummed songs from Ravka when the world was quiet. Kaz noticed everything about you, and that was the problem.

Kaz Brekker didn’t have weaknesses. Not until you.

Kaz never allowed himself the luxury of weakness. He’d seen what it did to people, how it turned them into targets, how it left them broken. But you...you were different. You weren’t just another piece on his board, another tool to be used and discarded. You had become something more—something dangerous. You had become his weakness.

It infuriated him, how much he cared. He didn’t like it—this vulnerability that gnawed at him, this fear that kept him awake at night, worrying about your safety. He didn’t want to see you hurt, didn’t want to see the darkness of Ketterdam taint you, didn’t want to see tears in your eyes. His world was full of darkness, and he couldn’t bear the thought of you being dragged into it.

He hated how his heart stuttered whenever you smiled at him, the way his chest tightened when you frowned. Kaz wasn’t meant to feel these things—he had buried those emotions long ago, along with the boy he used to be. But you had brought them back, and it made him weak. It made him vulnerable.

Kaz Brekker didn’t do attachments. Attachment made him vulnerable, and vulnerability was something he couldn’t afford, not in this city, not with his enemies constantly watching, waiting for a single moment of weakness to strike.

And it didn’t take long for them to figure it out.

The first threat came in the form of a letter, slipped under his door. The second was more direct—a knife pressed to your throat during a routine job, the assailant whispering threats of what would happen if Kaz didn’t cooperate. You were unscathed, of course. You had power that made most men tremble, but that didn’t stop the fear that gripped Kaz’s heart when he saw the look in your eyes. The darkness that flickered there, the remnants of a fear you had long since buried.

He couldn’t allow it. He couldn’t let you be tainted by his world, by the darkness that surrounded him. He couldn’t let you be hurt because of him. The last time he had let himself care for someone, it had ended in disaster. He wouldn’t—couldn’t—let that happen again.

So he did the only thing he knew how to do. He let you go.

It started small at first. Kaz began to ignore you, a difficult task when every fibre of his being screamed to be near you. But he forced himself to walk past you without a word, to pretend you were nothing more than a ghost in the halls of the Slat. you had frowned, tilting your head in confusion. It had nearly undone him, the way you looked at him as if you were trying to figure out what you had done wrong.

It tore at him, every time he saw that look on your face, every time he felt your eyes on him, questioning, hurting. But he couldn’t stop. He had to protect you, even if it meant breaking your heart in the process.

Then, he began to snap at you, finding fault in the smallest things. He’d scold you for a plan that didn’t go exactly as he wanted, even if the outcome was successful. He’d raise his voice when you asked questions, brushing off your concerns as if they were nothing. The hurt look in your eyes was like a knife to his chest, twisting deeper with each passing day. But he forced himself to look away, to harden his heart against the pain that gnawed at him.

The Crows noticed the change, of course. Jesper would shoot him questioning looks, Inej’s gaze filled with disappointment, and even Nina would try to talk to him about it. But Kaz deflected their concerns, his tone sharp and dismissive. They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t. This was something he had to do. He had to protect you, even if it meant breaking his own heart in the process.

Kaz’s heart ached every time he saw the pain he caused you, but he told himself it was for the best. You were too good, too pure for this world. You didn’t belong in the shadows, and the longer you stayed, the more the darkness would seep into your soul. He didn’t want to see your eyes clouded with the same despair that haunted his every waking moment.

And then, finally, he let you go completely.

One night, after another gruelling heist, you finally confronted him. The others had gone, leaving the two of you alone in the Crow Club. You stood before him, your eyes searching his for answers.

“Kaz, what’s going on? Why are you treating me like this?” your voice was steady, but he could hear the tremor beneath it.

He didn’t look at you. Instead, he stared at the map on the table, the lines and figures blurring together as he tried to hold onto his resolve. “You’re slipping,” he said coldly. “You’ve been making mistakes—putting the entire crew at risk. I can’t have someone unreliable on my team.”

The words sliced through you like a knife. “Unreliable? I’ve saved all of you more times than I can count. You know I’m not—”

“You’ve been careless,” Kaz interrupted, his voice sharp as a blade. “You let your guard down, and it nearly cost us everything. I can’t afford that.”

You took a step back, disbelief and hurt flashing across your face. “You don’t mean that. I know you, Kaz. I know—”

“You don’t know anything,” he snapped, finally looking up at you. His gaze was icy, devoid of the warmth he’d once allowed you to see. “You’re a liability. Maybe it’s time you found somewhere else to be.”

Your breath caught in your throat. The room seemed to close in around you, the walls pressing in with the weight of his words. “Kaz, please. Don’t do this.”

But he only turned away, his voice void of any emotion. “It’s already done.”

You stared at his back, hoping—praying—for some sign that this was all a lie, that the man who had taken you in, who had protected you, was still in there somewhere. But he gave you nothing.

After a moment, you nodded, though it took everything in you to force yourself to move. “Fine,” you whispered, your voice breaking. “If that’s what you want.”

Kaz turned away from you, his heart aching with every step you took away from him. He didn’t watch you leave. He couldn’t. Because if he did, he knew he’d break, and Kaz Brekker couldn’t afford to break. Not now. Not ever.

Kaz knew he had done the right thing—he had to protect you from the darkness that consumed him. But as the echoes of your voice lingered in the empty room, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

But it was too late now. Kaz Brekker didn’t make mistakes—he made choices. And this was the one he would have to live with.

[rebelelegance]

Calloused Hearts - 6

Summary: You're stuck. And you're tired of running.

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Tidemaker!reader (though this chapter seriously lacks that. I promise we'll get back to it soon)

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, mentions of blood and wounds, mentions of dead character, reader's depressing thoughts, not great writing, major cliffhanger, reader death (maybe?)

w/c: 1322

A/N: This isn't my best writing lol. But here we are!!! I am so sorry for how long it took. This story is an insight into reader's past, so there isn't much of the crows.

Prev

Chapter 6:

Let’s just say sometimes you’re too impulsive for your own good. 

You were currently surrounded by armed men and some Grisha, in an alleyway, exhausted and out of breath from trying to escape this very group for the past hour.

You were out of practice.

A day ago, this seemed like an amazing idea.

Going to find Wylan, without any backup.

Just because you couldn’t stand being around Kaz anymore.

Not when his intentions were so damn unclear.

One day you feel like you’re everything to him and the next day he doesn’t even care?

It hurt like hell. And so despite your initial apprehension, you’d decided to go save Wylan and then leave.

You didn’t know what you wanted from Kaz anymore, but this definitely wasn’t it.

Now, stuck, with no help, 2 Inferni, a Squaller, a Heartrender, a bunch of angry gangsters and a very satisfied looking PR, you started regretting the “saving Wylan” part of your plan. Maybe you just leaving would’ve been enough to get Wylan back to the Crows safely.

“You should know better than to run from me, kid.”

You laughed, “You really think you can beat me Pekka?” You sounded way too confident for your own good.

Fake it ‘till you make it right?

“You’re largely outnumbered and up against some of the strongest Grisha. How you see yourself getting out of here alive is beyond my imagination”

You looked at the Grisha then, something dawning on you. You knew all of them. 

“Pekka please. There’s a reason Kirigan is going through so much to get me back to the little palace.” You raised an eyebrow at the Heartrender then, smirking, “I’ve defeated all of them before.” You watched the Heartrender’s eyes widen, as she looked to the other Grisha.

You had defeated them. 

On multiple occasions. Together, alone. Every single Grisha in the Little Palace had fought you. 

And you had never lost. 

You had never allowed yourself to lose. Even though they often begged you for it. Because losing for them just meant more rigorous training. Losing for you meant not being able to see Kaz ever again. 

Or so you had thought.

How foolish of you to trust the General. 

He’d promised you a safe haven. He’d promised to bring Kaz to you. He’d promised to be your guardian and to protect you. He’d told you his story. About the everlasting pressure of having to undo what the Heretic had done. He’d taken care of you like an older brother would. You’d loved him.

But then you’d started to realize the truth of it all. 

He was just using you. 

Your powers. Your ability. 

And then you ran.

And now you were here. 

Honestly, you couldn’t tell which was worse. 

You heard Pekka laugh, drowning out your thoughts. 

“You’ve got confidence, I’ll give you that.”

Your jaw clenched.

You hated seeing him laugh. Men like him didn’t deserve to laugh.

“But you shouldn’t be that way.” He nodded to one of the men standing at the end of the alleyway and he disappeared behind the building. 

“You see, I always have a plan. It’s how you get to where I am”

Then you saw the man again, but this time he wasn’t alone.

Wylan was with him, a knife pressed to his throat, hands tied at the back, the fear evident in his eyes. Your hands curled into fists at the sight.

“Pekka, there’s one thing you should know about me.” Your eyes flicked to him, a plan already forming in your head. “You can hurt me all you like. But you don’t touch my friends.” You seethed.

You flicked your arms then, water swirling around them as you gathered it from the atmosphere. You weren’t a normal Tidemaker. You could gather water from just about anywhere and that was what made you so powerful.

Pekka’s men started to charge, but you were quick to use the water to push them away, making them fall and drop their weapons. You created a watery shield around you as the Grisha started their attacks. Years of practice ensured that even a Heartrender could do you no harm. You ran over to Wylan as the man holding him pressed the knife closer to his throat, when a gunshot rang through the air, making a hole in the man’s chest. 

You followed the sound to see Jesper standing on the roof, a grin on his face. You smiled, glad to see your friend. You dropped the shield, throwing one up around Wylan instead, who gave you a small nod in acknowledgement.

You turned back around to the Grisha, and the Guards who were coming to their senses just then, before a flurry of blue started taking them down one by one, as some fell down clutching their chests, revealing Nina and Matthias standing behind them.

A ball of fire flew towards you, which you quickly doused in water, but it drew your attention away from the Squaller who’s next attack sent you flying into the wall.

You grunted from the pain, getting up again, but unable to move as you were still pinned to the wall by a heavy gust of wind. The Inferni were busy luckily, trying to escape the Wraith and Matthias while Nina was helping Wylan get to safety. Jesper was handling the rest of the Guards, leaving you alone.

But where was Kaz?

You were stuck and the Squaller was inching closer to you with every step. 

And then it struck.

You should wear bulletproof outfits more.

The bullet pierced through your skin, hitting your ribs and lodging itself inside. The Squaller was temporarily stunned, as you both turned to where the bullet had come from.

Pekka’s gun was pointed at you, his hair messy from whoever he’d just been fighting. 

“He said he wanted you alive, but I’ve wanted you dead for a while now,” he rasped out.

“I’ve wanted you dead for longer,” came the all too familiar voice, as the boy swung his cane at the older man. 

He was here.

You could feel yourself losing control, and you dropped to your knees, clutching your chest. The Squaller seemed torn between his duties to the General and his own hatred for you, the desire of wanting you gone that every Grisha had. They didn’t hate you. They hated how important you were. 

Your hands were sticky with blood, as you subconsciously tried to add pressure to the wound. You flung your free hand towards the Squaller, throwing him back against the wall, away from you temporarily.

You hated how weak this made you feel. Unable to help the others, unable to finish what you came here for. Unable to live up to what you were supposed to be. How did Kirigan expect you to take on the Fold when you couldn’t handle a bullet?

But that was the harsh truth wasn’t it? You were a mistake. An abomination that shouldn’t exist. Your mother hadn’t wanted you. Your father’s wife had hated your existence because you were the reminder of her husband’s infidelity. 

And that’s why after he’d died you ran.

You ran until you found Kaz and Jordie.

A temporary haven, until Jordie died.

And then you ran with Kaz until the Grisha had found you.

Then Kirigan took you in. Treated you like his family. But yet again that was temporary.

And then you ran from the Grisha, and from Pekka. From the fear of facing the truth of your life, and the feelings you had for the boy you loved.

You were tired of running. It didn’t seem like you mattered to anyone anymore anyways. 

You’d destroyed what you’d had with Kaz. You were nothing to Kirigan without your powers.

The bullet had seemed to make you realize just how tired you were.

Just how much you wanted to rest. 

And so amidst the chaos, you let your eyes flutter shut.

~~~~~~~~~

Tags: @ancientbeing10 @lila-kille @emmnf1 @gabby10100 @foulkryptonitepeanut @pinchofhoney @peaches1958 @lyria-skyfall @sabii5 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @tiana76 @breadbrobin @athenasproverbs @cryinghotmess @urlocalgeek @coldheartedmar @ravenmedows @twlegit @marina468 @aeslenya @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy

[amiramorozova]

Dual Summoner and the Darkling -Another tale- Pt. 5 Bedroom (18+)

I was pulled from my thoughts when I felt his hand on my shoulder as I looked at him seeing that he was looking in my eyes. "Amira..you ok?" He asked as I nod. Those thoughts about him made me want him more as I leaned in close. "I'm just fine." I assured him as I kissed him. He kissed me back as we started to get enthralled again as he kissed my neck again as I moaned softly. 

This man..he has such an effect on me.. I thought 

I knew too well that it was our soulmate connection but still, I knew what I wanted and clearly he did too as we both removed each others clothes before we let them fall to the floor. I may have been shorter than him but that didn't mean I couldn't outsmart him. I pushed him on my bed as he was surprised and then went over as I climbed on top of him. 

"Amira.." Aleksander said as I knew too well he wanted this just as much as I did. Part of me knew this was just my desire to feel something I hadn't in awhile but then I stopped..could he have tumbled someone else in the time we'd been apart? That thought lingered in my mind for a few moments. 

He put a hand on my cheek as if he could tell I had hesitations "Amira..I've been searching for you all this time." He said as I felt my hesitation slip as I kissed him and he kissed me. I felt him adjust me before he thrusted inside of me as I moaned in the kiss and he used it to his advantage as his tongue slipped into my mouth and I was surprised. 

The pace between us was evident and I broke the kiss as I moaned and leaned my head back..I had a feeling that I shouldn't be enjoying this but I couldn't help it. We kept thing going as I tried talking while tumbling. "Have you tumbled other girls?" I asked as he seemed to only increase his pace as I gasped. 

"Even if I had, none  compares to you." He said as he kept thrusting up into me as I gasped..and moaned as I leaned my head back. Part of me started to scream in my head that I needed to stop but I was too much into this as I knew I hadn't in so long..but the idea that another grisha touched him sort of angered me.. 

"That was not a.." I moaned as he hit just right spot within me that made me tremble, it didn't seem to matter what I did..We were soulmates..We were betrothed..We belonged together. " Amira, eya fyela chi.." Aleksander said as I knew he had to be lying..he just told me he loved me and that couldn't be true.  (Translation: eya fyela chi - I love you)

My mind started to have many thoughts while we continued like why did I even allow this? He was the only one..the only one that I allowed to be with me like this as we moaned before I felt my release hit me. I stopped thinking about Kaitlyn being there as we kept going till we both collapsed after we both reached our end.. he had his arm around me as we both caught our breaths.

He had me look at him as we looked at each other and he seemed satisfied like I felt. "Eye Fyela Chi" Aleksander said as I shook my head. "Stop saying that..you don't." I said as I knew this was a mistake..all of our hookups were mistakes yet I kept making this choice. I removed his arm and got up as I knew if I stayed there he'd just try to remind me more about what just happened. 

Saints..I'm doomed to make this choice over and over with being his soulmate..soulmates always end up together..but this was.. I thought

I felt him come up behind me as he pulled me close to him, the skin contact didn't help my thoughts as he smirked. "DId you or did you not tumble other girls before finding me again?" I asked as I knew the answer..a man has needs. Women had needs too, I had to satisfy my own when I needed. 

I felt him touch my side as his hand slid down it "Yes, I had. I searched everywhere for you..but you seemed to always be so many steps ahead of me..you're different." He said as I looked at him from the corner of my eye. Was I really different? I tumbled with him..how many girls had he manipulated to use them? 

He turned me around to face him "I didn't force you into this. You wanted this just as much as I did Amira.." He said as I hated the truth in his words..I did. I could still feel his hands on me in places no one else had touched even though he was only touching my shoulders. "You're my soulmate..you didn't ask the most important question. What I was thinking about when I was with them.." He said as I wondered if I even wanted to know. "What were you thinking about?" I asked as I figured it couldn't be that bad.. He lifted one hand up to my cheek as he leaned in and kissed me..my mind didn't want to resist all the way as I kissed him back and when he pulled away he looked into my eyes. "You..I thought about how it felt with our on again off again hook ups...how you look so distracted in pleasure..the way you looked just a few minutes ago." He said 

I looked at him in surprise knowing that I was always being a bit harsh. "I am used to not having you around..so forgive me if yo-" "Push you into desire..make you feel things that you know you shouldn't." He said as he moved his hand down and slid his fingers inside of me as I moaned in reaction. "Whatever you do to yourself, is nothing compared to what I do..that brings you pleasure." He said as he started to move his fingers as I trembled under his touch and closed my eyes.

He started to increase his pace as I moaned again "See, your needs need taken care of too..you just need to let someone take care of them." He said as he continued but he backed me up to the wall which gave him more space to probe as I tried keeping my thoughts cleared. "That's it Amira..just let me take care of you.." He said as I tried to not let it show but fuck he knew exactly what he was doing as he knew how to bring me pleasure like no one else. 

He kept up that pace as he wasn't letting up and I moaned but I should have been paying attention to the fact he was also getting hard on my moans cause he removed his fingers as I gasped to thrust inside as he thrusted inito me fast and hard as I gripped on his shouders as we both moaned before it wasn't too much longer we released togther..

Saints..that felt good...but like with every time we cum togther..saints..another pregnancy scare in my future.. I thought

Eventually we pulled apart and got dressed as we walked out..Kaitlyn was having some tea and she whistled seeing us. "Damn, when you both go at it..you go at it for awhile.." Kaitlyn joked as I knew I still had my job. "Shut up." I said 

Aleksander seemed to smirk as he took my hand and kissed it. "I will get you to see that eya fyela chi. I'll see you around.." He said as he left. 

He keeps saying he loves me..no way he does.. I thought

TagList: @lifeisingrey​,  @houseoftoomanyfandoms​, @mizelophsun11​, @budugu​ ,  @wheresthesunshinesblog

[atlabeth]

mine forever

request from @nghtwngs

pairing: nikolai lantsov x fem!tidemaker reader

a/n: SO sorry for posting this early and having to delete 💀 i was formatting and didnt realize i was not saving it as a draft lmao. but thank you for sending this in love!!! and PLEASEE send in as much nikolai as you want i miss writing for him so much

wc: 1.4k

warning(s): hurt/comfort. reader is insecure, nikolai is the sweetest as usual

join in on my 3k celebration!!

“You’re avoiding me.” 

Your eyes didn’t move away from the horizon when you heard Nikolai’s voice, though you felt your muscles tense. 

“Clearly not well enough,” you remarked. “Seeing as you found me.” 

“You know I’ll always find you,” Nikolai murmured. “But that means little if you will not talk to me.” 

Of course you were not talking to him. You did not know how to talk to him—not when you so clearly didn’t understand the issue plaguing you. 

All you’d ever known was the life of a Grisha. You were tested when you were young, revealed to be a Tidemaker, and whisked away to the Little Palace, where you’d been honing your abilities ever since. You rebelled against the one thing you knew, joined the side of the Sun Summoner, and now you were in the midst of a war for the very survival of your people. 

There were so few Tidemakers left after the Darkling’s massacre, which meant Alina and Nikolai were counting on you more than ever in their fight to reclaim Ravka. 

But when you needed your powers most, they disappeared. 

You— you just didn’t understand, because it didn’t make sense. You’d spent years studying the Small Science and how to wield it, how to manipulate the water around you no matter how miniscule. 

This was not merzost. You had never tampered with the way of the world, never attempted to bastardize the abilities you’d been granted.

Like called to like. There was a part of you that connected to the water, that allowed you the affinity for all of this.  

You had just… lost it. For no apparent reason. 

“There is nothing to talk about,” you stated simply. The cold of the railing shocked your fingers as you set your hand down, but you welcomed any sort of feeling. 

“Do not be ridiculous,” Nikolai said wryly. He came out onto the balcony and stopped beside you. You could see him looking at you through your peripherals, could feel his intent gaze. “Nobody avoids me unless they have a reason.”

You huffed a bitter laugh. “I certainly have a reason, moi tsarevich.”

“So we’ve gone back to titles?” Nikolai’s lips quirked up. “Shall I start referring to you as Grisha? Tidemaker, even?”

You scoffed. “That would be inaccurate.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “We’ve reached the root of the problem.”

“We hardly did anything,” you said. “Do you talk just to hear the sound of your own voice?”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” Nikolai said. “But you should know your scornful words have no effect when I’m aware of your true feelings.”

“If you are aware of my true feelings, you should know I would like to be left alone.” 

“You want to be left alone because you feel useless without your power,” he said. “Any man worth their salt would not fall to that, and fortunately, I’m worth quite a lot.” 

You finally turned to look at Nikolai, though you could not muster the full force of your anger when you did. He had that slight smile still, the glint in his eyes, and all you could think was that you didn't even deserve this kindness. 

“Because I am,” you said. 

He shook his head. “You are not. Far from useless, actually.” 

“You served in the First Army, didn’t you?” 

“I hardly see how that’s relevant—” 

“Just answer my question.” 

“...Yes,” he said. “I was infantry. The 22nd Regiment.” 

“And if you had lost the ability to shoot a gun, would you be allowed to stay on the front lines?” 

Nikolai shook his head. “I will not participate in hypotheticals to help you feel worse.” 

“Because you know it’s true.” You looked back out at the horizon—the sun was steadily setting. “I have no place here anymore.” 

He said your name with a slight huff. “That is not true.” 

“I’m not Grisha anymore!” you exclaimed as you whirled back to face him. “The only reason I have ever gotten anywhere— the only reason I am here, the only reason I ever met you in the first place— it is all because of my power.” You pulled your jacket tighter around yourself in the wake of a cold wind. The material was noticeably thinner than your kefta, but you could not bring yourself to wear it anymore. “I’m useless now. To— to Ravka, to the Second Army— to you.” 

His brows furrowed. “You are not useless to Ravka— and you could never be useless to me.” You averted your eyes, unable to meet the full weight of his softened gaze, and his frown deepened. “That’s what this is about then? 

“Don’t act like it’s so ridiculous,” you muttered. 

Nikolai had the nerve to laugh, and you glared at him. He held up his hands in defense, but he could not fully bite back his smile. 

“I apologize, lapushka, but I did not even consider that as an option for why you were so upset.” 

Nikolai took your hands in his, hands that had been the key to your power the entire life, that were failing you, and he held them like nothing else in the world mattered. “Do you know how absurd the thought of me not loving you is?” 

You glanced away, but Nikolai gently cupped your chin with a few fingers and tilted you back to meet his eyes. 

“Because it is,” he continued, letting his hand fall back down to grasp yours. “I love you with everything in me. I love you because you are you—not because of your powers. Not because you are Grisha.” 

“Who am I if I am not Grisha?” Your voice came out as little more than a whisper, near a desperate plea. You’d never felt weaker, never felt smaller. The only thing you’d known all your life had been ripped away from you, and you felt as if you’d been shoved into an endless void. 

Nikolai said your name softly as he squeezed your hands. “You are a soldier of great renown. A revolutionary on the right side of history. The most loyal friend someone can have. And lest you somehow manage to forget it, you are the woman I love.”

“You deserve better than—” you swallowed the lump in your throat. “—than some broken, failed Grisha.”

“You are not broken,” Nikolai murmured, and he never looked away from your eyes as he lifted your hand to press a kiss to the back of it. “We are merely on… a different path.” 

“A different path,” you repeated, and you could not help your wry laugh. 

“Yes,” he nodded. “And we will go down every step of it together. Do you understand that?” 

Nikolai fought for everything he had, despite his standing as a Lantsov. He was a soldier on the front lines, he rose through the ranks on the sea under a pseudonym, and now he was clawing his way through useless formalities in order to take back the throne that he deserved. 

And here you were—someone who was given everything because of some power inside you. And now you didn’t even have that. 

It just did not seem right. It did not make sense. For a man as powerful as Nikolai to stick by your side despite such a misgiving. 

“If you don’t, that is alright.” Nikolai shrugged. “I will just have to spend extra time showing you how much I revere your very being.” 

“Nikolai,” you murmured, and his grip on your hands tightened. 

“I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through,” he said. “I cannot lose what you have lost because I’ve never had it in the first place. But I can promise you wholeheartedly that we will figure out what is wrong. Together.” 

“And what if we don’t?” you asked. You couldn’t help it. 

“Then nothing will change,” Nikolai vowed. “Milaya, nothing can tear me away from you, whether you are Grisha or not. Do you understand that?” 

A part of you still could not. Who were you if you were not of use? 

But when you met Nikolai’s eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that seemed to glow with the sunset, full of softness and admiration and love, you found that you could start to.

You may not have believed in yourself, but Nikolai did. And that had to mean something.  

“I’m beginning to,” you murmured. 

“Good,” he said, and his lips quirked into a smile. “But fear not, milaya. I hold enough love for you inside of me for the both of us in the meantime.” 

[reve-writes]

—the set-up; kaz brekker.

ʚ kaz brekker x reader | grishaverse | 1,8k words. ʚ from this request. | three times the crows plan to set you and kaz up + the one time they find out you're married. ʚ fluff; the crows are featured (incl. wesper & helnik ship); kaz's touch aversion isn't featured. ʚ a/n this has been sitting in the drafts for a bit. ive been suffering down the leon brainrot hole (honestly an excellent one to fall into). kaz calls reader schatje (i have a fic where he does this. i chose schatje because ketterdam is loosely inspired from 1500s-1700s amsterdam!). i wrote this in a goofy way honestly.

one. he smiles.

Wylan fiddles with jars and tubes filled with an assortment of chemicals—some of them tend to explode, all of them horrible smelling. He's supposed to be on guard duty and he prefers it over running around guns blazing alongside Jesper—as much as he loves the sharpshooter, gunshots give him a lot of anxiety.

He peers into the room where most of the work is happening.

You are poring over stacks of documents, eyes scanning quickly top-to-bottom to find relevant information. Kaz has his ear pressed against the front of a safe, gloved hand twisting the lock. You move around him in the cramped office space with relative ease, grabbing more files to read on the desk.

It doesn't take long for the safe to swing open.

“No safe is safe from Kaz Brekker, the safe-cracker, huh?” you comment. A light, teasing smile decorates your lips.

“Please never say that sentence again.”

To Wylan's surprise, the ever-frowning Dirtyhands smiles. Not the half-hearted hospitable smile he occasionally gives out, or the scary half-sneer half-smirk that is so intimidating it scares even Wylan sometimes. No, a genuine, amused smile. It is so unnatural that he has to look away, a hand clasped over his mouth in shock.

When he tells Jesper, the taller man mirrors his reaction, dark eyes blown wide and jaw unhinged.

“He smiled?” Jesper gives an incredulous stare as if Wylan has just told him that he is a member of the Council of Tide—which is impossible with Wylan's lack of Grisha ability, let alone tidemaking. “He smiled over that?”

Wylan nods enthusiastically.

“We are talking about the same Kaz?”

“Are there any other Kaz that we know?” Wylan sighs.

“Well, no—”

“I think we have to proceed with the plan,” Wylan ponders. Jesper blinks widely.

“The plan?”

“Nina's plan!” Wylan looks at Jesper as if he's just gotten a strike of inspiration, hand in the air, pointing at nothing in particular. “Operation Kaz and ____. Remember?”

Jesper remembers. It was so ridiculous that it remains impossible to remove from his memory to this day, even though it was mentioned in passing.

Nina, flushed red from too many drinks, suddenly shoots her hand up, flailing it limply. The founder of the idea seems to have a plan ready to set in motion.

“We are the gods of love!” She drunkenly declares, free hand moves to tap Wylan's cheeks repeatedly. “And as the benevolent gods that we are, our first mission is them.”

Nina pushes Wylan's face towards you and Kaz, sat at the bar, deep in conversation. The rest of the Crows followed suit, realising Nina's suggestion. She stumbles over drunkenly and with little-to-no care on making it look as natural or accidental as she can, "trips" over her foot and falls forward.

You take the brunt of the force, being pushed forward that you fall onto Kaz. The latter glares at Nina, hand coming to your shoulder to steady you.

“My bad.... It seems I've lost my balance,” she slurs. “Oh! Would you look at that? The two of you would make quite a pair, don't you think so, Matthias?”

Matthias raises an eyebrow, already hauling Nina with him to get back to their table.

“Poor Helvar,” says Kaz simply, nudging you to get back on the barstool.

“He doesn't seem to mind,” you retort, noting Matthias' loving gaze as he escorts Nina.

It doesn't take long before the chaos settles, leaving you and Kaz, still engaging in conversation as the last patrons leave the Crow Club.

“We would make a good pair, huh?” You tease, reaching over to brush your hand against his, leather soft under your palm. “You think so?”

Kaz looks at you pointedly, tugging your left hand towards him, fingers pressing on the small diamond adorning your ring finger. “Would I have given you this, if I didn't?”

Smooth with his words without even trying. A trait you find both annoying and endearing after all the years you've been together.

“I mean you have a lot of diamonds lying around—”

“Schatje.”

“Yes?” All train of thought immediately halts on its tracks. The petname has a hold over you that he oh-so-often uses as leverage. You pout. “Stop distracting me.”

He smiles—soft and uncharacteristic, contradictory to the harsh rasp of his voice and the rough scars on his skin. He smiles a smile he reserves only for your eyes, and you're falling for it, a hundred times over.

two. the demjin.

You don't like when Kaz gets like this—all wrung up over a waivable matter. It reminds you a lot of what he had to be before, the things he had to do and what Dirtyhands actually stood for. Not at all akin to the Kaz Brekker you know—the one who immediately comes whenever one of your crew is threatened, the one who stays up with you as you wait for the rest of your little heist crew to return, the one who goes out of his way to collect little trinkets to bring home to you.

You are hurt, shallow cuts all over your body from a little dagger scuffle with a mercenary, but you're a member of the Dregs—this, you can take. A little Heartrender magic and some bandages, you will recover in no time.

“You're back.”

Kaz stops and you look over him to find his knuckles bloodied, hair stuck out of place and clothes disheveled.

“You're alright, schatje?”

His room at the Slat isn't big contrary to popular belief. He sinks into his chair with a huge sigh. You're watching him three steps away from the edge of his bed.

“What did you do?”

He shrugs, tugging his coat off. “Business.”

“You went after them.”

“It was one part of the business.” He pulls at his gloves, shedding them into the trash—too bloodied for him to bother cleaning. “Are you sure you're alright?”

You tuck your hands into your elbows, displeasure visible across your features. “Are you?”

“Why wouldn't I be?”

“Kaz.”

“They deserved it,” he stubbornly says. “I had to make sure they know not to involve themselves with us. You understand. Besides, I'm alright.”

“I do understand,” you relent. It is business. The Barrell doesn't stop for poets or musicians or lovers, no, it thrives off of the back of violence, taking an eye for an eye. “I just wish that you were here when I woke up.”

His shoulders loosen and he is your Kaz again. Not the one molded by Ketterdam, birthed at its harbour. He's the man so in love that he will dry the seas for you if you say the word. Kaz takes your hands. They are warm on his skin and his heart swells.

“I am sorry, schatje.”

You kneel in front of him, leaning your elbows on his thighs to press a brief kiss on his lips. “Let's stay off business for a while.”

“Kaz?” A sound outside the door, followed by three raps. “Are you in there?”

“He is, Jesper. Give us a moment,” you reply.

You hear hushed whispers—both low voices, so you assume it's Wylan. Your suspicion is confirmed when the second voice sounds from behind the door.

“No, we—no, Jes—don't have anything urgent. We simply wanted to know if he is well. Take your time. We'll be going now.”

“Good night, Wylan,” you reply, immediately hearing fading footsteps soon after.

“Fifty kruge says they're already together,” says Jesper, out of your earshot.

Wylan rolls her eyes. “Fifty on them not dating yet.”

Jesper immediately clasps Wylan's hand with a loud “Deal!”

iii. the marketplace.

“Busybodies,” Kaz complained, walking a step behind you as you're treading through the Ketterdam food market. “They are not even hiding. In broad daylight. How have they never gotten caught before?”

“Kaz, my love.” You are trying not to laugh as you're picking and choosing fruits. “They usually do a better job on actual missions.”

They refer to your five lovely friends who have decided to tail you as you're coming down to the market. Kaz is the first to take notice—blurry figures moving erratically ten steps behind you.

“I should assign them something to do instead of... whatever it is they're currently doing.”

“They're curious.” You shrug, handing over a few slips of Kruge to the seller and leaving with your bag five apples heavier. “We've been acting suspicious lately. They'll find out soon enough.”

“I'll bet Inej finds out first.” Kaz nudges your fingers with his, taking the bag from you as he matches his step with yours. “The Wraith does a better job at spying.”

“My bet is Matthias.” An unlikely one. He's probably the least nosy out of the five.

Suddenly, you're pulled into a small nook, squuezed between buildings and he presses a kiss on your lips. One turns to two and you're smiling like a lovesick fool when he pulls away.

“We're being followed and you pull this?”

“Schatje, our pursuers are horrendously bad at this.” He shrugs, pulling away. You resume your trek through the market. “Look. They've lost us.”

iv. the marriage certificate.

“Fake IDs,” Kaz says, pointing at the towering Fjerdan. “You'll be collecting them from Anika.”

Matthias doesn't mind running errands, although he does think that he'll be better suited for physical fights other than fetching papers, but he doesn't argue. It seems he is doing more than simply fetching papers though.

“That is real?” He asks Anika, pointing at a marriage certificate she has on her desk. Marriage certificates are mundane enough not to warrant this type of reaction, but it is the name that shocks even him to the core. Kaz Brekker and you, married?

“As real as can be around here.” Anika scrambles to hide it away. “Here are your IDs. Don't tell anyone about it.”

In Matthias' defense, he doesn't end up telling just anyone. He tells Nina and Nina is the one telling everyone else. Within a week, every member of the Crows have known about it.

Wylan hands Jesper slips of fifty kruge, grumbling that this is unfair. Nina looks like spring has just arrived. Inej is probably the least reactive—but that is because she's already found out long before the others. She's the Wraith after all. Matthias is anxious. For all everyone knows, he is the one responsible for the news.

You strut into the dining room, seeing everyone gathered and raise an eyebrow.

“Why are you all here?”

“We want to ask—”

Before Nina can finish her sentence, Jesper blurts out. “You're married?”

You chuckle, shrugging. “You found out.”

“How long?”

“Kaz? Really?”

“How did that happen?”

A series of questions that you don't actually answer. You stand there, leaning on the back of one of the wooden chairs situated in the room—remorseless to your very core.

“Ask him about it.”

That ends the discussion. None of them will actually ask him about it and even if any of them actually finds the courage to, the likelihood of Kaz answering anything that's not a sarcastic remark or a threat is close to none.

“How did you find out anyway?”

Everyone points towards Matthias and to the Fjerdan's horror, Nina's pointer finger finds him, too.

You only smile, silently planning to brag to your spouse that you've won your bet.

[ ].

[simp2537]

Darkling x breeding kink + spanking?🙈

Marking

a/n: My motivation has been low as of late, and my life has gotten really busy as of late. Also I’m really liking my tidemaker! Reader that invented so I’m gonna used her unless specifically told otherwise or if I just feel like not using her. As always hope you enjoy.

Warnings: breeding kink, spanking, dom!Aleksander and sub!Reader, safe word is not established but is their, p in v smut, dacryphilia, war room smut, tidemaker!Reader

Aleksander Morozova x fem! Reader

You weren’t sure if it was the hard wooden desk digging into your bare hips, the relentless pounding of Aleksander cock inside your dripping cunt or if his harsh hand landing in your ass was what sent you to tears. Your hands grinned onto the desk, trying to center yourself as Aleksander took out all his pent up frustrations of the day on you.

It had not been a good day for your lover. First the king had been particularly nauseating, the grisha were still unsafe as always and to top it off some new noble man made a move on you in front of him. Loyal as you were you denied the man and went to go to him only for the man to touch you.

Aleksander grunted as he felt you grip his cock deep inside. Your moan and gasps were bouncing off the wall and he hoped that everyone would hear. His hand landed hard against the angry red of your ass. You jolted as his opposite hand dug its way through your hair, pulling you up slightly.

He sucked up your neck, biting and leaving marks in his wake. You moaned as he began to suck on the sweet spot of your neck. His gently lowered you back into the desk that moved with every snap of his hips. His free hand moved to your pearl, rubbing fast and steady circles on the nerves. Your moaning increased as he kissed at the back of your neck. His hand colliding with your red ass.

“You’re doing so well for me milaya.” Aleksander praised as your tears hit the desk. You babbled cockdrunk as he hit that spot that always left your mouth gaping.

“I’m gonna shove my cum so fair into your cunt that it takes and everyone will know you’re mine.” The coil inside you tightened the eating to burst. Your moan grew higher, louder, more erratic.

“Sasha! I’m gonna cum- Sasha! Please!” You begged as he smacked your ass again. His over composer began to dwindle as he groan his thrusts growing fast as his own organism grew more apparent.

“I can’t wait to see you swelling with our child. All round and so full of me, all mine. Mine.” He grunted as you whimpered. With a cry of his name you came hard. His own release happening right after. You both panted as he pulled himself out. Your mixed juices dripped onto the floor until her shoved his finger in.

“Don’t want to waste anything, right my Tidemaker?” Aleksander sighed as he kissed your neck. You mumbled softly, not having the energy to be much of a brat. After a while her pulled his finger out and sucked in your combined juices. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his lap.

He scrapped his kefta over your bare form and kissed your forehead. You nuzzled into him as your eyes dropped.

“Do you think my seed will take?” Aleksander mumbled in between kissing your neck.

“If it doesn’t we can always try again.” He chuckled a smile landing in his face. His darling Tidemaker, always so eager.

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

The way of the water

request: can i have some kaz x grisha!reader where she's a tidemaker and during a heist he falls into the water and she uses her powers to pull him out and helps him through a panic attack? hurt/comfort and preferably established relationship pls and thx

a/n I am so tired that I do not know what this is. And I really apologize if it is bad.

warning: drowning?, fear of water, not really played into his touch aversion.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kaz was convinced that you were simply his best investment. A quick and smart way of dealing with his fear of water. He had torn earth and sky. Put at least five bullets between different merchants' eyes before he found you locked in a glass tomb. For a moment, you looked repulsive to him. Floating in the water like a corpse. But then again, he remembered the gossip. The way the creature was forced into a trance. It had been the only way to drag you out of the village the salesman had raided once the word about your kind spread. Just you didn’t remind him of a creature...

“Unlock her," Kaz had muttered to Jasper, who had stood gaping like a fish himself, “and I don’t know... offer her water." Kaz had glanced one more time at you. “Very funny, boss," Jasper hissed. “You do know that she could bite my head off and drown me once I...", but Jasper was only met with a slam of the door.

The weeks that followed left Kaz both satisfied and frustrated. You had tried to run only five times in a span of two weeks. In an angry haze, Kaz had locked you against the staircase railing. Much to everyone’s displeasure. But then he only managed to sit in his office for an hour before he found himself reaching for his cane.

“Extend your leg," he muttered, watching as the droplets fell to the floor. Your angry eyes darted toward him. “Sometimes I’m glad you can’t move blood," he muttered under his breath. “Careful, maybe you don’t know all of my tricks," you huffed, pulling your chained leg beneath yourself. Kaz inhaled deeply. He needed you. There was no use in you if you just sulked.

“You do know that I wasn’t the one who brought you here. I saved you from a very bleak existence. You should be thankful," he said blankly. “My apologies; you want me to bow or kneel?”, you scowled back. “I don’t want to exploit you, I..." Kaz swallowed thickly. He hadn’t told anyone why he had been so close to obsessively looking for you. He was sure they had found their conclusions on their own. “I need your help," he finished.

Kaz watched as curiosity flicked in your gaze. He knew that you weren’t going to ask. You could very well just sit there for hours. “I don’t like... I have a complicated relationship with water." For some reason, Kaz was waiting for you to start laughing. Make a joke. But the expression on your face didn’t change. If anything, the harsh frown eased up. “It… I had to be near corpses during the plague”, Kaz pulled at the suit he was wearing as his throat slowly closed up with anxiety. But then, in a heartbeat, the air in the room shifted. The dripping of the leaks in the roof faded to nothing. Kaz lifted his head to assess the droplets turning to mist the moment they entered the room. Once he glanced back down, he found you standing with the chained leg extended to him. He held your gaze for a moment before nodding. A silent understanding taking shape between you both.

“It’s an easy job. Pick up the document and go." It had been a while since any job had come into Kaz’s view. One he would like to take on, at least. Until now. He needed that handbook, the new shipment trades, and the new substance that had leaked into the market. “Worst-case scenario, there’s a harbor," Kaz tapped onto the map. His eyes caught yours across the room. He had sworn to never involve you in the Six Crows business but caved in after watching you wilt into nothing for weeks. So now he just offered you the safest job he could find. To stand watch. To leave false trails. To watch his back if a big body of water was near.

“Fourth floor. You will go through here." Kaz quickly averted his gaze. “I will scale the outside wall." He could hear the sharp breath you had taken in. He knew why. The side wall was bordered by the edge of the dock. Kaz swallowed thickly and said, “Get me that fucking book," before folding the map up and showing it into the top drawer of the desk.

The salty water kissed your skin as you slowly walked into the waves. You knew that Kaz watched you from his spot. You could feel his eyes on you. It had been weird the last few months. Going from full terror to finding a strange family of sorts. Yet still, it was Kaz who intrigued you the most. It was unusual the relationship between you two. If you could even call it that. You rarely talked, but then it never felt like you had to. He understood. And when he wanted you to be there when he tried to overcome his fear of water, you would just linger there. Like a phantom touch. Guarding him. And then he would stand there looking at you for hours. Eyes pouring more than words could ever tell.

You are the one watching him now. Like a shadow. Crawling up the wall. Each move is calculated, each move is planned out. Covered by the waves crashing against the shore. It always bugged you in the moments when you couldn’t see him. When he was inside the building, outside of your sight. You couldn’t protect him there. Even if Jasper had told you time after time that it was you and all of them that needed saving from Kaz, not the other way around.

A loud bang sent your head shooting up to the balcony. Voices following through. Shouts. Glass braking. The light flickering on throughout the whole upper floor. One that was supposed to stay undisturbed. Your own heart picked up in pace. Then the dark coat appeared, swaying in the wind. Another figure leaped upfront. The two wrestle in the tight spaces. A loud snap. And there it was. The time stopped still as a flash of Kaz’s face eliminated by the moon glimpsed by right as his body was forced over the railing. You had barely managed to swallow his name while diving into the waves. Forcing your body to move as fast as possible.

The free fall felt short, but the impact of the water felt as if Kaz had been drowning for an eternity. He didn’t even realize that he was falling into the water. He was prepared for hard ground. But the panic that filled his body when he was submerged made him let out a gasp. Filling his lungs with salty water. Memories of the past clasped clammy hands all over him, dragging him deeper and deeper. The light from the moon fading away.

And then it’s as if he’s wrapped in an invisible net. Kaz blinks once, and it’s you there. Right in front of him. By some absolute stupidity, he tries to call out your name. Letting more water into his lungs. Your eyes grow big, and then your fingers are grasping for him. Kaz catches that apologetic expression on your face before you pull him closer to you. Lips crashing into his, and at once it feels as if his lungs don’t remember how to breathe or how to welcome that gust of oxygen. But he’s holding onto you regardless. Feeling the fear fade away until it all goes black.

“Look at me," you frantically tap at Kaz’s cheek. Breathing heavily. The very tips of the waves still kissing your legs. You didn’t have enough energy to pull you both out fully. Feet slipping beneath the wet sand. Making you fall over, with Kaz’s body following right with you. "Kaz," you press your ear against his chest, trying to listen for a heartbeat, but you’re too anxious and too shaky to distinguish anyway.

“Why aren’t you waking up? Wake up!" You whine in frustration, pressing your lips against his now-blue ones. A kiss from you had to be enough. Had to breathe him back to life. You couldn’t have been too late. Couldn’t have. And then Kaz jerks, sitting up in a rush, his pained coughs slipping past his lips. You don’t dare to touch him now. You know he doesn’t like it. You had already overstepped as it was, but now.

“What the fuck?", he hissed through clenched teeth, making you drop your gaze. “Are you out of your mind?”, Kaz was coughed once again. Now you could see a sharp gash in his forehead. Still leaking blood. Your fingers traced the wet sand. “I saved it," you muttered, handing him the book he had come for—one that fell alongside him into the water. Kaz rips it out of your grasp, throwing it to the side. His fingers wrap around your wrist. “Are you insane?”, he hisses, pulling you closer. “You could have gotten hurt; they could have very well shot at you." His words hit you like a blow, leaving you speechless as you glanced up at him.

“Your arm." You want to laugh at how insane this is. Had you too hit your heads? Why is he concerned with... “What happened to your hand?” Kaz demands, making you glance down at the torn flesh. He was too heavy for you to lift up the dock. You tried. Unfortunately, that resulted in you slipping, and since you were too afraid to let go of his body, your arm met the sharp edge of the hook that was left carelessly there.

The sound of the shirt being ripped makes you blink. And here he stands. Taring his shirt up before grasping your hand as he wraps it around. “Your head," you mutter, "You," "It’s a scuff," Kaz grunts, his fingers shaking the longer he touches you. You back away slightly, not wanting him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. But Kaz’s wild eyes meet yours, making you still. “Next time," he breathes out, “Next time, you swim away without looking back.”

He drops your arm, turning away from you. Brushing his shaky fingers through his messy hair. “There will be no next time," you mutter, making Kaz turn around so quickly it makes you jolt. “There will be no next time," you continue once again, “because I will be right there, right under, and you will never get to feel what drowning feels like." Your hands wrap into fists as angry tears roll down your face. Kaz shakes his head. “You silly girl," he huffs, stopping closer to you. Not daring to touch you, but enough to feel your body close. Enough to feel whatever that is left of both of your bodies's warmth bouncing off of each other. Kaz takes a deep breath, "I would rather drown over and over again than see you get hurt again.”

[mcntsee]

— ★fic recs 'twenty four

Hi! This is a masterlist for all my fic recs. This list will continue to update as I read and find more things to add. Credits go to the respective authors!

↳ Please make sure to check out the warning on each fic. Some of them contain stuff that might be triggering for some readers!

keys;

🫐 — angst

☁️ — fluff

🎧 — nsfw

spencer reid recs;

— ★ series;

↳ trouble almost all my life by @januaryembrs [ongoing] ☁️🫐

summary: the one time the bau needs you + the four times you need them.

↳ twisted by @dreamwritesimagines [completed] 🫐☁️

summary: no one can outrun their past.

↳ pierced by @rynbutt [completed] ☁️🎧

summary: moving into a new apartment in a new city is stressful, what's even more stressful is when there's a fucking murder in the apartment across from yours... at least the fbi agent is cute.

↳ american teenager by @lanascinnamongirls [ongoing] ☁️🫐

summary: all it took was one case. one case and you were back in your small town in your home state of missouri.

↳ say that you love me by @none-of-your-bullshit [completed] 🫐☁️🎧

summary: what happens when an ex cia operative survives an attempted murder and is plucked straight out of georgetown by david rossi?

↳ do you believe me now by @nereidprinc3ss 🎧

— ★ stand alone:

↳ forgiven by @reiding-writing 🫐☁️

summary: you lied to him with good intentions, but when he finds out the truth he says something detrimental in the heat of the moment. After weeks of radio silence any chance of reconciliation is almost lost after you get critically injured in the field.

kaz brekker recs;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ three taps by @happyyyandcrazyyy 🫐☁️

summary: kaz taps three times. it’s his way to say i love you, i care.

↳ dive into the waves below by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: pekka rollins's reign is over and it's time for the new king to take his place (or kaz settles into his new office and his beaten face needs some tending to)

↳ alright by @liberty-barnes 🫐☁️

summary: you’ve been flirting with kaz ever since you started working as his bartender. systematic rejection gets tiring after a while, but sometimes all you need is a good chat and a large bottle of vodka.

↳ bloody hands by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: kaz never feels the need to explain his entire plan. he knows that, whatever happens, it will inevitably go according to plan. but when his plan goes wrong and y/n is injured, kaz is suddenly forced to comprehend with the skeletally hand of death once again.

↳ initials by @triptuckers ☁️

summary: for as long as the crows can remember, you’ve worn a ring with initials on it, and they’ve been trying to figure out what they stand for ever since

↳ love story by @luna-writes-stuff ☁️

summary: kaz hasn’t known life without you at his side. he doesn’t see reason for you to abandon him any time soon and he isn’t planning on letting you go either.

↳ what do you want from me? by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

↳ this is what happens by @fishley 🫐

summary: a look into the journey of kaz losing another person he loves and how it not only affects himslef, but everyone around him.

↳ dark days by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: mr and mrs rietveld. a locked vault and approximately ten minutes of air left. what could possibly go wrong.

↳ his star by @alpurrtwhizkersss 🫐☁️

summary: kaz saves reader from drowning

↳ dust and rubble by @writing-havoc 🫐☁️

summary: a plan goes wrong. you get injured. kaz tries to help-

↳ pocket watch by @writing-havoc ☁️

summary: after years of patient progression on his phobia, kaz finds the opportunity to reciprocate

↳ call me what you like by @sophierequests ☁️

summary: kaz and the reader have been married for quite some years now, unbeknownst to their friends. but what if a slip up causes this shared secret to come to the surface?

↳ sweetheart by @bloodwrittenballad ☁️

summary: kaz's reaction to you calling him sweetheart

↳ the way of the water by @bubbles-for-all-of-us 🫐☁️

summary: reader is a tidemaker and during a heist kaz falls into the water and she uses her powers to pull him out and helps him through a panic attack

simon "ghost" riley recs;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ alive by @criminalamnesia 🫐

summary: simon loses you

↳ phantom touch by @ghostheartfelt 🫐☁️

summary: you and the 141 are deployed to austria with the intel of a drug boss known as rolmuth who is harboring romanian soldiers to the east coast to smuggle illegal mercenary personnel into america. what happens when a rapid snowstorm picks up and you are separated from the others then further captured and interrogated alongside your lieutenant?

alastor;

— ★ series;

↳ a doe in fall by @hazelfoureyes [ongoing] 🎧

summary: a burlesquer with a penchant for conning men, you find your latest game interrupted when your next mark saves you from an aggressive fan— by killing him. the chance encounter left you curious, still half convinced you could complete your normal chase. unbeknownst to you, you were the one being tracked.

↳ painted smile by @worldofkuro [ongoing]🫐☁️

summary: you couldn't wait to meet new friends. what you didn't expect was this smiling little boy, only one year older than you, that would take such a big place in your life.

↳ deer dolly by @ohproserpine ☁️🫐

summary: “wife?!” angel dust cut her off, jaw dropping. “freaky face is married?”

↳ a misconduct of love by @hurthermore [ongoing] 🫐(☁️)

summary: control was something you always severely lacked in. so when a radio host enters your life, and seems to yearn to not only posses you, but for you to posses him in turn, you indulge in a love affair with the man your husband introduced you to.

— ★ stand alone:

nothing here yet…

hobbie brown;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ where's my love by @autumn-hiraeth 🫐

summary: hobie's cannon event

[kasagia]

Bruises and scars

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem! tidemaker! reader Summary: Kaz Brekker believed he was too broken and bruised to ever count on you reciprocating his childish crush. You were a powerful Grisha, someone who wouldn't be content to be in a relationship with the human shell that he was. That's why he gives you the cold shoulder, that's why he avoids you like the water you wield so well, that's why he tried to drive you away after the day you confessed your feelings to him. Kaz Brekker couldn't love anyone. It would not be beneficial to either side. But Kaz Rietveld rises from the dead, reminding him of what it's like to feel unconditional, blind love. And he won't give up. Not until he gets his girl back... isn't it too late for that, though? Warning(s): Kaz and his trauma; violence; he's afraid of his feelings but loves the reader; generally Kazzle misses the reader; angst with fluff; I'm a sucker for happy endings, but the boy suffered WITHOUT HIS INVESTMENT; mentions of de@th and bl00d Word count: 7,4k

Counting days, counting days since my love up and got lost on me

"You're sending Jesper to do your dirty work for you? I didn't know you were afraid to talk to one of your own crows." you stormed into his office without even bothering to knock. Kaz swallowed. He really should have been better prepared for this conversation. After all, he knew you wouldn't give up so easily. "What is this?" you asked, slamming the wad of paper onto his desk.

"I thought you could read. This is your next job." he replied calmly, not looking up from the papers in his hand.

"In some snobbish fucking king's palace? Are you kidding me?"

"Nikolai isn't that bad. You'll see when you get there."

"And what makes you think that I will voluntarily leave Ketterdam, the club, my friends, and the Crows for two bloody years, Kaz?" for the first time since you walked into his office, he looked up from his papers, fixing you with a cool, impassive gaze.

"That I'm your boss, and you have to obey me. You needed a reminder, judging by the tone of voice you use when you speak to me."

"Was it because of what I said to you when I almost..."

"No!" he growled at you, stopping you from finishing your sentence. That day had already joined his nightmares anyway. He didn't have to constantly recall your almost-death. "It has nothing to do with it." he said, hoping that would put an end to your conversation and went back to writing down the numbers.

"Do not lie to me. I know when you do it, Kaz. You got scared because I said I love…"

"You can go and get ready, Y/N." he said without looking up from the paper he was holding. He had never felt her gaze so hot and intense on him before. They always glanced furtively at each other, discreetly indulging in the silly fantasy of loving each other.

Like they could ever afford to live a normal life. As if he could ever love you properly—the way you deserved.

You stared at him intently, trying to find any trace of emotion in him, any evidence that he didn't really want to send you away from Ketterdam, that he was only doing it because Dirtyhands was afraid of the growing feeling between you two.

"I can hold on like this, Kaz." your soft whisper cut through him, making him shiver. He could bear your screams, your anger, your madness, but the tenderness, the vulnerability you showed only around him… was much more dangerous to the cold Barrel Bastard. "I can go and return to you like nothing happened. I can stay near you and pretend I don't feel anything towards you. I can stop myself from wishing for your slightest touch. I can hide my true emotions around you and other people, just like I have done before… but please just prove to me that it's all worth it. That you can slowly take off pieces of your armour and let me see and be with the real you. Not the Brekker's mask you wore every time we were on Ketterdam's street. Not the Dirtyhands' cruel version of yourself that you created to survive in this town. Not the Bastard from the Barrel, who has so much power in his hands to take down his every enemy. Just the real you, Kaz. The genius-mind boss who cares about his people, not only the kruge. The man who loves his friends more than anything on this earth. The man who risked his own life and saved me from death's arms more times than I could count. Please… just give me this little piece of hope." he tried hard not to raise his gaze to meet your captivating, imploring irises that could touch Brekker's heart.

He knew that the moment he looked at your face, he would doom you both by giving in to this burning desire to be with you.

But he couldn't.

He had to keep you away from him.

"You must be foolish or delusional to think like that. I'm the Bastard from the Barrel. And I care about my crows, because they are good investments. Nothing more and nothing less, Y/L/N."

"Is this everything that we are? What am I to you? An investment?"

Kaz's mouth went dry as he felt the waters rising around him, when a familiar feeling of panic began to seep through his practised mask. He looked away, not wanting you to read his true emotions. Not wanting you to see how much he wanted to confess his true feelings to you.

No. You're my moon, my sun that illuminates me in my darkness. The reason why I'm even bothering to learn how to touch people without going under the water again. You give me hope and peace every time you're close to me. You're my greatest power and weakness. The only one in this bloody world who can change my plans. The only one I care about in the mornings, afternoons, nights, and midnights. I can't drink, eat, think, sleep, or work without thinking about you. You have the power over me. And that's terrified me.

He desperately wanted to give in to his desire.

But he couldn't.

He was too bruised and broken for you.

"Then I have my answer, Mr. Brekker." you broke the long, tense silence between you two. Kaz was too terrified to shift his gaze from the papers on his desk to the only woman who could easily crack the wall around his cold, almost dead heart with one of your smiles towards him. Too afraid to watch the tender expression on your face turn into a cold detachment, just like your tone of voice. "Sorry for taking up your precious time, boss. But I would rather be the foolish girl who falls in love too easily for her own good than a powerful man who doesn't want to feel anything. Nobody will sit around the table and tell a story about a man who loves only his kruge. No matter how great he was." your disappointed whisper lingered in his office long after you left.

He sat dazed in his chair until the candle stub burned out completely, leaving him alone in the darkness of his office. He stood up, lit a new candle, and watched the flame. He couldn't focus on anything other than replaying your conversation.

Rietveld's voice echoed in Brekker's head, somehow getting through his wall, mocking powerful Dirtyhands.

Coward.

And every breath that I’ve been taking since you left feels like a waste on me

"No way!" Jesper's loudspeaker scream snapped Kaz out of his thoughts. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, and got up from the desk.

He has done nothing since that fateful conversation. Absolutely nothing. He limited himself to staring blankly at the wall as his thoughts of Y/N effectively took complete control of him. He needed a distraction. Jesper's screams outside his office were perfect.

Without his cane, he walked to the door, eavesdropping on what was going on outside his office.

"Find another idiot to tell him. Or better yet, grab some suicide guy from the roof. If he wants to die anyway, he might as well act as a messenger for their one last time before Kaz rips their head off. SHIT!" the sharpshooter screamed in panic, nearly losing his balance as the door he was partially leaning against was opened by his rather worried boss. "Kaz, the fuck, since when are you sneaking around like that?!"

"Why exactly would I want to have ripped someone's heads off, Jesper?" he ignored his comment, eager to find out what they were hiding from him as soon as possible.

Maybe that would effectively occupy his head, so he could stop thinking about the tidemaker for a while. Unfortunately, neither of the two were in a hurry to answer his question.

"You know, there's always an occasion. Theft, insult, threat, frown, bad day, wedding, christening…" Jesper shut up, seeing that his attempts at a joke only infuriated an already irritated Kaz.

"Y/N is gone." Kaz unconsciously held his breath, feeling the whole world freeze around him for a moment, until anger and panic took hold of him.

"What? Did someone kidnap her? How did you look after her?!" he growled furiously, walking back to the office and limping towards his cane. His crows followed hesitantly, watching him struggle as he tried to put on his cloak in his haste.

"She runaway. I lost track of her around the harbour." a new revelation made Kaz freeze again. He stared blankly into the space between Jesper and Inej, turning his cane's crow head in his hand.

He should have anticipated that too. Had a backup plan. But he didn't. He's been acting strangely lately. He didn't recognize himself. But after all, that was what he had wanted all along - to stay away from Y/N. So why had her disappearance made him feel so much worse?

"Kaz? Should we send some people to…"

"No need, Inej. Go back to work. You too, Jesper." the gambler looked like he wanted to argue with him, but the Wraith, seeing their friend's strange behavior, grabbed his hand, and they obediently walked away from their boss.

Kaz leaned against the desk, dullly staring at the closed door.

It was supposed to be better that way. Neither you nor he will ever meet again. You won't exchange those longing glances again. You won't act like a couple of teenagers in love, and no one will ever attack or harm you to get to him again or to threaten him. Nobody was going to get hurt.

So why did he feel like he was going back under the water?

I’ve been holding on to hope That you’ll come back when you can find some peace Cause every word that I’ve heard spoken since you left feels like an hollow street

One week, two days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 29 seconds. That's how long it's been since he last saw your face.

He was secretly hoping you'd come back to him and the crows. Fuck the crows, he just wanted you to walk through that damned door again and start arguing with him, shouting at him, cursing his name at all the saints you knew, so he could hear your voice again.

He missed you. More than he thought he would.

Irritatingly, everything around him reminded him of you.

Especially your empty seat during Crow's meetings. No one dared to occupy it, as if every one of the gathered was waiting for you to come through that door (or window) again with a malicious, characteristic smirk on your face, mumbling some insincere apology for being late.

It never happened. Though Inej prayed to her saints every day for your return. Just like the others. Although each of them experienced your departure differently. Jes stared often at the places you once occupied, imagining you were still there. Nina found herself often making too many waffles (of course, accidentally making exactly the few you were used to eating). Wylan often creates his bombs and other things in your favourite colours.

But Kaz probably took your absence the worst of them all.

If he had slept little before, fearing that nightmares about Jordie would haunt him, now he hardly slept at all. Because every time he closed his eyes, he saw your face. He heard your laugh. He smelled your perfume. He felt cursed. Cursed by you the moment your eyes looked at him full of sadness, anger, and disappointment... full of pain.

He thought that if you disappeared from his sight, he would forget about you and go back to normal. But your leaving only made him think of you more often and longer. He sat behind his desk for hours, staring blankly at the papers in front of him. Spread out plans, bills, and maps; it all stopped making sense to him. It stopped coming together, creating a perfect plan in his head.

All he could think about was you.

And Rietveld's voice, instead of being silenced and buried alive in his cold heart with your disappearance, only broke through his hard surface more and more often with the passing days without you by his side. And he wasn't holding back from taunting Dirtyhands at all.

The great Kaz Brekker fell victim to one of his own plans.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Even Ketterdam has felt your absence.

This time of year, it usually warms up enough for people to shed their heavy winter coats. However, it was the middle of spring, and a cool, icy wind still blew through the streets, bringing occasional, small snowfalls that melted on the street, creating mud.

Kaz had never despised the city he lived in more. Even it laughed in his face at his stupidity, reminding him that it was his fault that the only spark of joy and bewitchingness in this damned city had gone.

He shuddered as a child shoved past him, running happily to the ship that had come into harbour and thrown itself into its father's waiting arms. Brekker began to take rapid, panicked breaths. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings, trying to imagine something other than Jordie.

His haphephobia got worse.

Earlier, he could bear the fleeting touch of strangers, such as being brushed up against him in a crowd. It was no problem for him to touch his crows for a few minutes (especially you and your comfortable hugs, holding your hand, or just feeling your warm skin under his bare fingertips).

But now even the slightest contact with a stranger brought him immediately under the water. And the tiny touch from his crows raised the waves he had to calm in the privacy of his office.

He was rolling down. He knew it well. But he saw it as his personal punishment for hurting your feelings in a brutal way instead of gently cutting you off. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Kaz knew he was fooling himself. He would suffer anyway. He let you go too deep under his skin, penetrate his essence, and know his soul too well to just give up on you, and forget about you.

And what terrified him most was that, given the choice, he would let you in again. Even knowing he would be devastated after letting you go.

But it was better for you. You deserved something better than this life you would live with him.

And that one thought kept him sane. That he did it for your own good, that wherever you are now, he's sure you're better off than you were in Ketterdam.

Which didn't stop him from checking every ship that came into port in the sick hope of seeing your angelic face.

He just had to get over his grief. He did the same with Jordie.

The only difference was that he didn't dream of holding his brother back in his arms like he dreamed of you.

Maybe I, maybe I’m just being blinded By the brighter side Of what we had because it’s over Well there must be something in the tide

Kaz was on your bed, reading one of your books you accidentally left behind. It was all he could do lately. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd left that room for anything other than food and a change of clothes. He missed you. And he had no idea what he should do.

He inhaled your faint scent on the pillows.

In some strange way (probably because of your ability to control the water), you always smelled of the sea, even when you weren't near the harbour. Kaz hated water and hated the salty sea smell that hit him whenever he passed near the harbour. It reminded him of Jordie. But inexplicably, the smell of the sea on you brought him comfort, safety... peace.

Now it was a reminder of something else—how he let you slip through his fingers. In fact, he pushed you away from himself.

He shook his head, trying not to think about you. However, the world was always against him and never made things easy for him. The fact that the dried flower had fallen out of the book onto his chest was proof of that.

With trembling hands, he set the book aside and reached for the flower, afraid he would ruin it. However, the need to see if his eyes were deceiving him was greater than the fear of spoiling such a precious thing.

He remembered that flower. He put it in your hair himself.

"Just the two of us in a field of flowers? If I didn't know you better, I'd think it was a date, boss." he rolled his eyes as you giggled at his reaction.

"Stop it. Or they'll notice us." he muttered, trying to ignore the cool wind that somehow made its way through the high grass. He wrapped his cloak around him, enviously noting that the girl next to him didn't seem to feel that cold. He internally slapped himself for wanting to share his cloak with her.

"I highly doubt they'd want to look for us in that thicket of grass. Besides, usually when a woman is giggling at a place and situation like this, stealing some noblewoman's jewels is the last thing on her mind, Kaz. The same applies to her potential partner."

"As if I heard Jesper." he sighed, focusing on the nobles in front of them. The plan was for Jesper to distract them while he and Y/N collected what they had come for. Simple and fast, if his childish desire to be paired with Y/N did not overwhelm his senses. She distracted him more than he could afford.

"You and Jes also had a secret meeting among the wildflowers? Now, I'm jealous."

"Jes?" he asked, turning his surprised gaze on her.

"Yes, do you mind?"

"You've known him for a week." he remarked dryly.

"Yes, and what?"

"It took you two months to start calling me by my first name, let alone a nickname."

"Just because you preferred to call me tidemaker instead of using my name."

"To be honest, it might have slipped my mind then." he muttered under his breath, not realising she heard him.

"You forgot my fucking name?! Kaz Brekker you are the most ignorant person I've ever seen." Kaz knew from the anger in her eyes that only his haphephobia kept him from getting his ass kicked by Y/N.

"Well, now I remember." he tried to defend himself.

"I don't care, Brekker. Now you can even call me the fucking Easter Bunny and I won't answer you anyway."

"Don't be a child, Y/N. Y/N?" Kaz sighed in frustration when he got no response from you.

He had to come up with something; he knew this name thing wouldn't be resolved until he appeased you properly. And he didn't have time to indulge in your sulks. You had to rob these people. (It's not like his heart ached when you were mad at him.)

Fortunately, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that might help him. Your favourite flower, growing at his fingertips. He plucked a plant and put it behind your ear without thinking. You flinched at the sudden touch, staring at him in shock as the material of his gloves brushed your cheek as he pulled his hand away.

"Maybe I forgot your name then, but now I remember and know a lot more about you than just a stupid name."

"But how… how do you know I like y/f/f?" you asked in shock, never in your wildest dreams imagining that Kaz Brekker would bother with something like your favorite flower.

"You are my tidemaker. My most important investment. It's logical that I'll know you inside out."

"Should I be afraid or appreciate this unsettling but sweet effort?"

"You should know by now that nothing I do is sweet."

"Of course, big, terrible, Dirtyhands." you replied with a small smirk, similar to the one that kept Kaz from your sight.

To her, he could be more than Kaz Brekker. He could be Kaz Rietveld. And it terrified him more than the urge to reach out his hand again and fix her windblown hair.

The mastermind has been deceived by his own heart.

I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my Lord, oh my Lord, I need you by my side

"Zenik. Follow me." he muttered as he finally found the woman at the bar. He headed for his office without looking back, knowing full well that she would do as she was told this time.

"Yes, Kaz?"

"You are contacting Y/N." it wasn't a question. He knew it the moment Nina sent you her first letter a month ago.

He himself tried to send you his letter a week ago. It came back unopened, and the delivery man said no such person lives at this address. A lie he recognised without even knowing that Nina and you were still writing to each other.

"I am." she replied coolly. Kaz, seeing that he did not want to voluntarily cooperate, sighed and sat down in his chair. His leg was starting to hurt more and more often - another thing that went bad with you leaving.

"How is she?"

"Happy. Relatively. She is tormented by nightmares and unwanted thoughts about you." if Nina wanted to make him feel guilty, she did it brilliantly.

He already felt terrible without her judging eyes and dry answers. She must have seen the shadows under his eyes, as he did in his mirror. He had no right to pity himself. He knew it well. That's why he put up with Nina's attitude, in his stupid desire to know how you were doing.

"So… is she better off than here?"

"No. But that's not your problem anymore."

"Did she find someone?" he asked hesitantly, afraid of an affirmative answer.

"Possibly, things are evolving."

Kaz felt the world stop around him for a moment. The idea of someone else watching how you play with water and create ice sculptures, someone listening to your beautiful voice and making you laugh, someone capable of holding you and kissing you, made him sick. A sick sense of jealousy that Kaz only experienced when he saw the wealth of others.

A rash desire to come for you overtook him. He had to have you back. Before you fall in love with someone other than him.

"Do you think if we…"

"No, Kaz." Nina cut him off before he could ask a question. "You wanted to get rid of her, so hold on to your fucking decision. You hurt her, and you knew damn well you would, by ordering her to return to Ravka. Honestly, Kaz, did you think about how it would impact her? How she would feel? If you wanna break her heart again, go on. Chase her. Let's see if she forgives you also this time."

"Then what should I do?" he asked, and the desperation and hopelessness of his tone terrified both him and the woman standing in front of his desk. Nobody had ever seen him like this. Even you. And now he was ready to open up to anyone just to have you by his side again.

"Forget about her. After all, that's what you wanted, right?" he did not answer.

She was right. He wanted to get rid of you. Now he was paying the price, and he had no right to ask you to ease his pain and return to the Kettedram. Return to him. Which doesn't mean that his stupid heart will just let him forget about you. He's learned that over the months without you. And he cursed all the saints that he didn't know it until he gave you the cold shoulder.

Kaz no longer had the right to your affection. He had to accept it. He had to accept that he had given up his chance to love you. That now you had every right to go and love someone else. Even if the very idea drove him crazy and desperate.

He must have forgotten about you. For the sake of all of you.

But Nina's slamming of his office door only brought him back to his memories of you.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Kaz fell. He was in the most pathetic position.

He didn't care, though, as he sat like a fool on the shore of the same lake where he met you. At which he irreversibly gave you the remnants of his heart a few years ago, without even knowing it.

He told himself that Nina was right. Once he let you go, he had to persevere in that resolve. Ketterdam will only bring you pain... so why was it so hard for him to let go of his last ties to you?

"Why are you coming here with me?" your gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he stared spellbound at your little water show.

"Am I bothering you?" he asked, shifting in his place on the dock as he watched you float in the lake.

He wouldn't even dip his little toe in himself, but he liked to silently watch you become one with what was dear to you. And by the way, he could admire your skills and beauty as much as he wanted. He didn't have to look for any particular excuse.

"No. It's just that I've never seen you watch your other crows train."

"They're not like you." it slipped out before he could think about it. "If anyone sees you, I better get them before they announce to the world that one of the Black General's tidemakers has taken refuge with me." your smirk dropped at the mere mention of your former life. Kaz cursed in his mind. "You are also too valuable an investment. And the rest of the crows liked you. It's a big achievement. Inej doesn't let new people in so easily... me too."

"So you like me after all, boss?" you asked with that mischievous smirk on your lips that made his heart beat like crazy. Good thing water was your specialty. At least you didn't hear his heart pounding.

"You're tolerable company, and what you can do… what you can do is amazing."

"It's just little tricks." you murmured, forming different shapes out of the water. "At the king's parties, I was quite often one of the highlights." you waved your hand, freezing the water to form an ice statue. His statue. "Not every tidemaker is strong enough to freeze water." with another wave of your hand, to his silent displeasure, you melted the ice. "Not to mention turning ice into water again. Most just stop at its liquid form and don't train any more. I like to think I'm too curious to ever stop exploring my powers."

"Or stubborn." he said with a small smirk, listening to your wonderful laugh.

He must have been cursed from the start, since fate had put someone so perfect in his path... someone he could never have. But he could have been watching you. Enjoy his eyes with your beauty and his ears with the tone of your voice.

"Sometimes that's a good trait too. You taught me that yourself."

"How convenient for you to learn from me only what you want and not what you need."

"Sometimes what we want is more important than what we need and what is more rational for us."

"What for example?"

"Love." he tried to keep a poker face, but apparently his eyes betrayed more than he would have liked, as you gave him a confused, questioning look. "What? You've never been in love?"

NO. Not until he looked into your eyes and heard you laugh. Not until he got into your first argument with you and lost with a smile on his face. Not until he first saw you use your powers to outsmart the bandits who attacked you. Not until he saw how the moonlight in Ketterdam made your eyes shine even more than usual, so that you might as well have lit up all of the city with your beauty. Not until he first heard his name come out of your mouth. No, until he foolishly began to believe in Inej's saints, when he saw how tenderly and kindly you treat the orphans in the streets of Ketterdam.

"This silence means either a very powerful heartbreak, or you really only love a kruge."

"What if I really never loved anyone? What if I don't believe in love?" he whispered, looking up at you. You sneaked up to him so that you were standing in front of him. Water trickled down your hair and along your neck to the hand you held out to him. You opened your hand, handing him a small shell.

"The world is too cruel for such beliefs, Kaz. If we don't believe in love, why should we get out of bed at all? Why do we accumulate all these riches and try to survive each day?" Kaz didn't know the answer. Not one that would allow him to avoid the uncomfortable subject of his feelings for you.

He took the shell from you and, being careful not to break it, put it in his pouch. Along with the other little things you fished out of the water.

Your eyes met. You stared into the other's eyes for a moment, lost in your own dreams, which were not too different from each other... Yet neither of you had the courage to admit them out loud and risk everything you had been so carefully building between yourselves. Even if your hearts burned for more.

So he sat with you in silence, watching you play with the water and analysing what you told him. What was the reason for his existence?

Kaz from a year ago would have answered quickly and without thinking. Revenge. But now that he was looking at you, he wasn't so sure about his answer… or at least it was closer to something much different than his desire for revenge.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh It's your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in And I'm tired of being so exhausted

He sat behind his desk, involuntarily reminiscing about the day it all began.

The day he almost lost you. The day you almost died in his arms. The day you told him something he secretly wanted to hear but wasn't prepared for. The day he will curse forever.

This was your first assignment after returning from Ravka and the whole sun summoner thing. A childish, simple burglary. Something to warm up his crows—a return to the reality of Ketterdam without queens and kings and politics.

And so it was. You filled your pockets with valuables and were about to leave when one of the guards spotted you. They were much better armed than you (it was supposed to be a simple robbery with no witnesses and no blood spilled, so you only had daggers and knives "just in case") and strangely familiar with all the secret passages in the small mansion.

Even though you found yourself in a terrible situation, you managed to leave the property. You laid out in the finish as you and Kaz ran towards the club. One of the guards shot at you and hit you. Very accurate, almost piercing your heart with a bullet.

Kaz stared dazedly as you screamed in pain as you clutched your chest and tumbled onto the muddy, cobbled road. He reacted faster than he thought, throwing the dagger at the man who shot you and killing him instantly. Inej would have praised him for such a throw.

But that effective kill didn't matter to him now. He ran over to you in a panic and kneeled beside you, tugging at the fabric of your shirt. He hissed as he saw the blood pouring down your skin.

"Kaz..." you groaned, looking at him terrified. Kaz ripped off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it tightly around your waist, trying to stop the gushing blood. "Cold." you mumbled, shivering in his arms. Brekker didn't even notice as he placed you in his lap; he was too busy to stop the bleeding until he found bloody Zenik. Where was she when he really fucking needed her?

"Shhh…. I know. Just try to hold on a little longer, okay? Nina and Jes will be here soon." he tried to calm you down by running his hand through your sweat-soaked hair. He rocked you back and forth, not knowing who he was trying to reassure—you or himself.

"We both know they won't make it on time."

"If you're wasting your energy talking, at least say something useful instead of talking nonsense, tidemaker." he growled at you, tightening his grip on you. "You're not getting away from me that fast. I didn't invest so much in you to make you leave before…" Until I tell you how much you mean to me... "Until we fill our vault with tonnes of Kruge."

"I could have predicted that even on my deathbed you'd be talking about the fucking Kruges." you laughed, coughing up some blood, which didn't calm his already madly beating heart. Where is that damn Zenik?

"Die in my arms and I promise I'll go back to hell for you. The devil can wait for you - I signed a pact with you first." you suddenly became serious, squeezing his gloved hand tighter and staring into his eyes as if they were the only stars in your dark sky.

"Kaz… I… I have to tell you…"

"Shut up, Y/L/N. You're not dying today." he snarled a warning, squeezing you so hard that he was sure to leave bruises on your arms. Panic rose in him as he felt your body slowly go limp, your breaths becoming less and less frequent.

"Kaz… I love you." you whispered, making him freeze in a daze. You only said those words in his wildest dreams. He had secretly dreamed of it many times, but certainly not like this. Not while your soul was slowly escaping from this cruel world unworthy of you.

He doesn't remember exactly when Nina came running, or how Jesper took you out of his arms, or how he kept up with Jesper's frantic pace as he ran with you in his arms.

But he surely was shaking all the way to the Crow Club. He only breathed a few hours after Nina announced to everyone that you would live. Then he left, without even entering your room to make sure Zenik's words were true, and locked himself in his office.

Tears began to fall from his eyes as he leaned against the door.

He could have lost you. Forever. Another person close to him.

His dreams would be tormented by the sight of your bloody corpse in some dirty alley. Again, he felt like that helpless little boy who had lost his brother. He found himself with Jordie THERE again.

Kaz couldn't go through all of it again. He wouldn't get up after your death. And there was only one thing he could do...

Fuck it all.

He needed you.

He was too exhausted to pretend any longer.

He was Kaz Brekker. He didn't need a reason. But his slowly dying heart without you seemed to be enough of an excuse to see you. Even if you're going to completely break it. Even the cold Bastard from the Barrel saw it as a good deal.

"JESPER!" he shouted, jumping out of his chair with his cane in hand.

"Yes?" his friend was at his side faster than ever.

"Tell the others to pack up. We're leaving in an hour." he muttered, taking out his travel bag from the wardrobe. Even without turning around, he knew a big smile had formed on Jesper's face.

We're going to get my girl back.

"About the damn time, Kaz." he patted him on the back and ran out of his office, telling the other crows the good news.

Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Even though I'm nothing to you now Even though I'm nothing to you now

Kaz had been afraid of a few things in his life, but walking through the threshold of your new apartment seemed to be the most terrible of all his fears.

His crows obeyed him without objection for the first time in their lives and stayed at the hotel. He came here. On trembling legs and a rapidly beating heart. With his soul on his shoulder, ready to sacrifice and do anything to get you back. And if you didn't change your mind, it would be with a mind ready to carve your image into his memory so he could enjoy seeing you one last time in his miserable life.

Before he could change his mind, he knocked on the door.

He waited patiently, hearing footsteps approaching. He held his breath as the key turned in the lock.

But you weren't the one who opened the door for him.

"What?" a well-built, dark-haired man stood in the doorway.

Kaz began to compare himself to him, concluding that, when it came to appearance, he was superior to him in everything. He didn't stand a chance against someone like that for your heart. Doubts began to flood back into him. What if Nina was right?

"Are you going to stand here for half a day or..."

"Jackson!" your voice from the depths of the apartment shook Kaz. It froze him completely, irritating the man in front of him even more. "I need your help here, you big fool. What are you doing?" a moment later, you were standing in the vestibule. Your eyes met. Kaz shivered under your gaze, cursing himself for how quickly he fell under your spell as he stood there completely dazed.

"Y/N." your name came out of his mouth reverently, like a prayer, like a song long forgotten by a wanderer. You looked exactly the same as you did a few months ago. Except for the faint shadows under his eyes, which Kaz considered his greatest enemies.

"Kaz."

"Jackson. Hello there." the man waved at him, stepping between you. Jackson looked at you, worried. Kaz felt both anger welling up in him, a feeling of envy at how close you were with this strange guy, but also relief that you had someone close to take care of you. Not that you couldn't overcome the worst hell alone. He just felt relieved that you didn't have to. "Let him in, or should I kick his ass, wave?"

Wave? Did you two have nicknames for each other?

"It's all right. You can leave us." you said as you walked past him to face Kaz. The man behind you sighed, shaking his head.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

It might as well have been directed at Kaz. For the first time in his whole new Dirtyhands' life, he didn't have a plan, an emergency exit, or another backup plan. But now he was standing in front of you, staring at you helplessly as he absorbed your form. And that damn sea smell in your hair...

"Kaz."

"Y/N." he said as he came back down to earth. He took a small, calming breath. "How are you?"

"Really? Are you here just to ask how I'm doing?" she asked incredulously, folding her arms.

Kaz wrinkled his nose at your dry, angry tone. As he could see, it would be even more difficult than he thought. He stood in front of you, twirling his cane nervously in his hands.

"I'm here for a completely different reason, but I couldn't… I couldn't not come and see you." he admitted turning his gaze back to you after lowering his head in embarrassment.

"I'm alright. My brother and I are having a great time."

"Brother?" he asked. Relief and joy washed over him. Nor could he help himself to this naive hope, which began to warm his cold heart.

"Yes... Jackson. Who did you think he was?" he did not answer. You could have guessed. He knew you saw the flicker of jealousy in his eyes after that strange man called you a wave. You were his tidemaker, his wave, his sea, and all the fucking things. For a moment, he forgot that he was the one who had deprived himself of the right to claim against you. "You saw me, you asked how I was, so you can go now. Goodbye, Kaz." you were about to close the door on him, but at the last moment he put his cane between them, preventing you from doing so. You opened your door again, giving him a questioning look.

"Come back with me." he whispered, defeated. He couldn't let you go. Not again, not after there was still the slightest chance you might still want him.

"What?" you whispered softly, pretty sure you misheard him.

"There's no other reason why I'm here... I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think or function like a normal person without you next to me. I'm one step away from daydreaming about you, hallucinating, and being insane that you're still by my side, so please... I'm begging you to come back to me. I know I don't deserve you and that I hurt you. You have every right to kick me out, but please, Y/N, just come home."

"What exactly am I supposed to come back to, Kaz? A cold, surly boss who is afraid of his feelings? Who doesn't hesitate to hurt me to protect his heart?"

"I'm not... I'm not good at this. Feelings. I... I don't know what it's like to love, but I know that when I'm with you... when I'm with you, nothing else matters. Not Ketterdam, not power, not Kruge, not wealth, not profit—nothing has ever been on my pedestal. Only you. Always you. And maybe I'm terrified of it, but now I know that I'd rather fight my own demons for you than let you go. I will try my best. If you still want me." he stared at you with undisguised hope in his eyes, only now realising how close he had come to you during your conversation. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupping your cheek uncertainly. "I love you, Y/N... even if I'm nothing to you now." he murmured, risking everything and resting his forehead against yours with a sigh.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

He inhaled your scent with his eyes closed, waiting for your move. Hope grew with him every second you continued to let him be so close to you.

"You're an idiot, Kaz Brekker." he didn't contradict or argue with you. He was a complete idiot, pushing you away and begging you to come back, all the while acting like a love-crazy fool… however, he wouldn't have it any other way if it meant you taking your place in his office again. If someday he could hold you in his arms… "You have lucky you're my idiot. With all of your bruises, scars, and everything else." you promised, hugging him tighter. You pulled away from him with serious eyes, making Kaz swallow. "But if you do that shit again, forget I'm coming back to you. Also, we need to seriously work on your communication, Brekker. Do you know how long I've had to struggle here with that other idiot who claims to be my brother?"

"I can hear all of it!" you sighed at your brother's grumbling and gave Kaz a meaningful look. Brekker smiled slightly, causing a matching goofy smirk to appear on your face.

"See? But seriously, I'm not kidding. Last chance, Kaz."

"A deal is a deal. You're never going anywhere without me again."

"A red flag!" your brother coughed from the kitchen. You rolled your eyes, grabbing the edge of Kaz's coat sleeve.

"Shut up, Jackson. I'm leaving, I'll be back in an hour! Try not to burn down the apartment, spitfire."

You didn't wait for his answer as you slammed the door behind you and stepped out with Kaz into the street. Brekker led you towards the hotel where the other crows were staying. His hand in yours, which did not escape your notice. You turned your head towards him, giving him a confused look, which made him smile slightly, shifting his gaze to the port and the sea.

At one point, he noticed that one of the waves "attacked" a trader, washing him over. He cursed so loudly that you could hear him even from this distance. Kaz shifted his gaze to you, immediately noticing the sly smirk on your face. Suddenly, the wallet fell from the sky right into your waiting hand, along with droplets of salty, cool water.

He chuckled, shaking his head in amusement as he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. A self-satisfied smirk formed on his face after seeing your blush.

One day, he will be able to touch you without his gloves. Hold in your arms without layers of clothes on. He will do it. No matter how long it takes him to get rid of the greatest demon of his past. But something told him that you'd keep his head from going under the water again. His queen of waves. His crow. His anchor. And he will make sure that he holds you in his arms forever. 

[is-today-tomorrow-in-nz]

The Many pitfalls of Grishaverse - Part 1

The Grishaverse had a very interesting premise but as we delve deeper into the trilogy and later the duology we see that it just stops there. There are no laws and limitations clearly mapped out to make the universe work. Everything is pretty much left up to the interpretation of the readers who has to piece together the information scattered throughout the books only to find out that they contradict a lot. This totally disrupts the immersive experience of the readers who are left scratching their heads because the premise no longer makes sense.

Let me share my analysis.

The Undefined Magic System:

Brandon Sanderson lays out three rules for creating a cohesive magic system. (a)An author's ability to solve conflict with magic is directly proportional to how well the reader understands said magic. (b) Weaknesses, limits and costs are more interesting than powers. (c)The author should expand on what is already a part of the magic system before something entirely new is added, as this may otherwise entirely change how the magic system fits into the fictional world.

The magic in Grishaverse exists for the sake of existing.

The source of the power is called the Making but the rules and laws of it is not called out. The book vaguely says that the Grisha powers are something as integral as breathing and a Grisha who does not use it dies. And yet somehow, when something so inherent is stripped away from Alina, she continues to live without falling into sickness. It tells Grisha magic has limitations but somehow, it is used as band-aid to fix any major catastrophes within the universe. They entire magic system is conflicting and contradicting.

We do not know the abilities and the limitations of the other Grisha powers either. Eg: How high can a Tidemaker create a wave? can a squaller perfect a storm? why corporalki need their targets to be within their line of vision? Why do they need their hands for summoning? How does a Fabrikator operate?

None of these are clearly outlined. Instead, the books simply make vague claims that Tidemakers calm the seas and waves, heartrenders are put in one-way mirror cells so they cannot attack, Fabrikators create crafts which seems do not make sense in the 19th century. Do they conjure up weaponry in their sleep? So many questions and receive very little answers and vague statements.

Then there is this vague concept of merzost which seem to randomly pick the author's favourites and leave them with a slap on the wrist while her unfavourites are literally put through hell. Alina's power were stripped away for being against the law, Zoya's was raised to sainthood and Aleksander's was called corrupt.

Even if the Grisha magic is akin to molecular chemistry, understanding something and applying it are very different things. If that wasn't the case, then Grisha would be the powerful entities in that universe. And yet somehow they are victims of genocide.

Without actually establishing any of the above the author goes on the introduce 'parem' which makes the magic system even more chaotic. Why does the parem affect the Grisha that way? Why do they become addictive? Why does the parem allow the Grisha to conjure up something that can only be done via merzost. So simply a drug is all that is needed to create merzost level damage? Then if the addictive qualities are removed then parem can be used instead of amplifiers and merzost?

This unclear magic system, makes the world of Grishaverse constricted rather than making us believe in its vastness. It further weakens the plot, as the magic or rather science of the Grisha is the reason why conflicts exists within the said universe.

So LB created a magic system which is chaotic, conflicting, constricting and exists only to do the bidding of the author and not the story.

[restinslices]

Liar

Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!WIfe!Reader Word count: 2347 Summary: You've kept being a Grisha secret from your husband Matthias Helvar, but what happens when he finds out? Y/N - Your name D/N - Daughter name

If it hadn’t been for two big reasons, you’d like to think you’d have left Fjerda.

The ice, the cold, the anti Grisha talk. Living in Fjerda was nerve wracking, causing you to be hypervigilant on everything you said or did. To say it was tiring, would be an understatement. Yet two people kept you in Fjerda; your husband Matthias Helvar and your daughter D/N Helvar. 

There were nights where you would toss and turn, your mind plaguing you with nightmares about Matthia finding out about you. Those nightmares never ended the same way. In one dream he’d kill you, the other you’d try to run away together, only for him to be killed. Sometimes you’d be caught instead. In the worst nightmares, it’d be your daughter who was caught and killed.

It’s not that you were afraid of Matthias. You feared him finding out because you didn’t want to lose him. Either from him leaving you, or the other Druskelle killing him.

While you were awake though, you fortunately had a friend. A woman named Elise, who lived a few houses down and was also a Grisha. A tidemaker to be more specific. 

When night fell and darkness covered you both, you two would become a particular thorn in the Druskelle’s sides. Elise would use her tidemaker abilities to create harsh waves that would knock over the boats before they could depart, or icicles that pierced the bottom of the boats, while you would free any Grisha the Druskelle decided to make a “public example” out of. That among other things caused the Druskelle to have a hit out on both of you, but since you were never caught, it was like trying to capture a shadow. 

“I know that I’m right”, Elise said. You rolled your eyes. This was the third time she brought up the possibility of her son, Erik, liking your daughter.

“They’re six Elise”

“I knew what I wanted at six! Plus, Erik gave his scarf to her. Isn’t that proof?”

“No. He noticed she was cold and he was nice”. Elise waved dismissively and went to open her mouth, but luckily Matthias emerged from the back. You had to admit, if you hadn’t known Matthias, you’d be startled by his build. He once told you that he was the tallest and biggest kid amongst the Drukelle, and you never doubted it. Even now, he was taller and bigger than most of the men you saw walking around. He absolutely terrified Elise when she first saw him, and you always brought it up when you wanted a good laugh. 

“They’re too young to date” he said simply before he placed a kiss on your cheek. “They should wait till they’re older and he can court her properly”

You spoke before Elise could make a sarcastic remark, “where are you off to?”

“Boating docks. We’ll be taking off before the week is done, and we have to stay alert”. You fought against the urge to shoot a glance at the woman sitting next to you. Matthias mistook you anxious about being caught for anxiousness about his safety. He rubbed your cheek lightly with his thumb and looked at you with soft eyes, “I’ll be ok”.

You nodded in understanding and off he went, not knowing he was watching out for you. 

~~~

You peered out your window, watching the sun start to go down. You had told the kids to be home at six bells. Foolish of you to think they’d actually listen when you weren’t watching them. 

“I’m gonna start looking for them”, you announced as you threw your coat on. Your hand hovered over the doorknob, before suddenly it was thrown open. 

Erik stood in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth opening and closing like a fish taken out of the water. His left sleeve was completely wet, and you couldn’t help but notice that your daughter was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s-”

“W-we were playing on the lake and… and… and i-it’s not my fault!”

“What isn’t your fault?”

“The ice cracked! I tried to pull her out but she kept moving!”.

Your heart sunk, your breath caught in your throat. Fjerda was always freezing, and who knew how long Erik had waited before he finally came to get both of you. 

It was one of those moments where you mentally blacked out, only fully gaining consciousness when all three of you were approaching the lake. Your feet moved faster when you noticed the hole she undoubtedly fell in. Shouts telling you to slow down fell on deaf ears as you kept running. You approached the hole, hoping maybe she was close by, but she wasn’t. You kneeled, hoping being closer to the ice would help you spot her.

You heard shuffling and panting behind you. “I told Erik to get Matthias. Do you see her?”

“Do you see her in my arms?”, you snapped unintentionally, too preoccupied to care about how harsh that sounded. 

You got back to your feet and overlapped your fingers over each other, making a triangle shape.

“Y/N anyone could see!”. You ignored her words and kept trying to feel for the familiar heartbeat.

You felt a heartbeat, but it did nothing to ease your worries when you realized how slow and faint it was. You followed it, the heartbeat leading a while away from the initial hole in the ice. 

“Elise!”, you called when you saw the familiar hair color of your daughter and her bright colored jacket. Your back stayed to Elise, afraid if you took your eyes off your daughter that she would float away again.

The ice above her cracked before it erupted, it being moved with ease. You silently said a prayer to any higher power that was listening, and thanked them for giving you a tidemaker as a friend. 

You dropped down, pulled the young girl up and laid her on the ice. Your hands went over her heart, once again ignoring the protests coming from the woman behind you. It wasn’t her child dying. It was yours.

“Come on… come on…”, you mumbled. 

You kept muttering encouraging words under your breath, as if all she needed was a good push. You kept telling her to wake up, only letting yourself let out a breath of relief when her eyes opened and she coughed up water. You pulled her up and patted her back, your own heartbeat still not slowing down. You slipped off her jacket and replaced it with your own, your own arms now freezing, but your own freezing body was the least of your concerns. 

You heard more footsteps and looked up, seeing Matthias approaching. He kneeled down, scooping her in his arms and sighing, “Let’s get her inside and get her warm. She’s freezing”.

~~~

Your heartbeat only slowed down when you laid your daughter down to sleep. You watched over her for a while, monitoring her heartbeat. You didn’t know what Matthias was doing. He started acting strange once you got home. Maybe it was shock. You couldn’t tell him how to process the near death experience of his only child.

You left your daughter’s room and made your way to your own bedroom, but your eyebrows furrowed when you noticed Matthias was nowhere to be seen. You checked the bathroom, living room and kitchen, but Matthias wasn’t there. You stepped outside, finally seeing Matthias outside standing, eyes up to the sky. 

You made your way to his side, “how long have you been out here?”. Matthias didn’t respond. You looked up at the stars like he was, “were you speaking to Djel?”.

He nodded. “I was asking for guidance and forgiveness”.

You frowned. Forgiveness for what? For not predicting what happened today? Who could have? It was an accident. A terrible accident, but an accident. You weren’t even angry at Erik or Elise.

“Today was not your fault Matthias. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness”.

Matthias once again didn’t respond. Instead, he walked back into the house. You followed him, calling his name, but getting nothing in return. You grabbed his arm, noticing when he flinched and took a deep breath.

“I know you’re scared because of what happened today. I am too, but don’t push me away. Talk to me-”

“Stop”, he said firmly. He turned to face you, and for the first time ever, he didn’t look at you with softness and love or patience and caring. His eyes were harsh, his eyes now reminding you of a storm instead of the calm sea. “How’d you find her? That’s not the hole she fell in”.

“No one knows where she fell. We weren’t there”.

“Erik was, and he said you weren’t where D/N fell. So, how’d you find her?”.

“I looked around”, you half lied. You had been looking around… just with a little help. “I saw her hair and jacket”.

“Why was there another hole?”

“It was already there”, you lied once again but Matthias didn’t look convinced. “Why… Why are you asking me this?”, you asked. You tried your best to remain calm, hoping he hadn’t seen anything, and if he did you were hoping you could lie your way out of it. You couldn’t let your nightmares come true.

“You’re lying”.

“I’m not”.

“I saw you! I saw your hands over her!”. You unintentionally backed away when his voice rose. He didn’t seem as soft and caring as he usually was. You tried to think quickly. 

“I-I was giving her CPR. There was water in her lungs, I wasn’t just gonna wait for a doctor-”

“I saw Elise break and move the ice without touching it! I saw you with your hands over D/N! Why are you still lying to me?!”.

You went silent. You couldn’t think of a lie out of this. You tried, you really did, but how could you explain that?

“You’re a liar”.

“Matthias”

“It all makes sense. What’s been happening recently. Ships wrecked, sudden bad waves, Drusje escaping, Druskelle being disoriented”, he took a pause, his eyes never getting softer “it was you two. And that’s why you kept telling me to stop being a Druskelle”.

“I…”, you thought for a moment, trying to find a good response. “I wanted to tell you but I didn’t wanna lose you-”, Matthias turned away but you kept talking, your words coming out rushed “I love and care for you so much and Matthias, Grisha are not bad people, despite what you’ve been taught”.

“Is D/N a witch?”

“Grisha are not witches and I don’t know. I didn’t think to test her yet”. Silence filled the room before Matthias spoke up again, 

“But she could be”

You moved to be in front of him, “she’s still our daughter-”

“She’s your daughter”.

You froze. All of a sudden the girl he cared for since she was a newborn, the girl he told bedtime stories to and let sleep next to him when she had a nightmare, was no longer his daughter?

“Don’t do this. She’s still your daughter. I’m still your wife!”, you pleaded. Your hands raised to cup his face but he backed away. You looked into his eyes, trying to read what he was feeling. It didn’t work. He had become a hard wall, unwilling to budge. “I love you and you love me”.

“None of this was real. This was your witchcraft. You made me fall in love with you!”

“You know that’s not true!”, you almost yelled. “Everything between us is real! I married you because I love you! I had your child because I love you! I didn’t make you fall in love with me, that’s not even how my power works!”

“You’re a witch who can boil blood and stop a pulse! Who knows what else you can do?!”

“I would NEVER do that to you or anyone else even if I could!”. You stepped closer to him, but once again he stepped back. “You can’t possibly be that afraid of me”

“I’m not afraid of witches”

“You hate me”. You waited for Matthias to deny it. For him to pull you into a hug and say he’d hear you out, but neither came. You sighed, how could all of this change in a matter of hours? “You wanna hate me, but you don’t and you know you don’t”.

Matthias looked away from you. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then opened his eyes again. He didn’t look back at you though. “I have to report you and Elise”.

You shook your head, “no you don’t!”. Your hands gripped his arms, sorrow and agony behind your words, “Matthias please!”.

Matthias looked down at you, “I’ll wait until half bell. After that, we’ll be looking for all of you”.

All of you.

You, Elise, Erik, your daughter.

When Matthias hadn’t budged, you ran to your daughter’s room. You quickly got her dressed and threw a coat over her tiny frame. She kept asking questions and rubbing her eyes, but you couldn’t spare any time to answer them. 

What really broke your heart though, is when she saw Matthias. She slipped from your grasp and made her way to him, “where are we going?”. Matthias picked her up and held her, and her arms and legs wrapped around him. Her head falling in the crook of his neck. You had hoped that maybe he changed his mind, but you guessed picking her up and comforting her was like a reflex, because once he seemed to realize what he was doing, he put her down and stepped away from her. 

You picked her up, ignoring her confused murmurs and spared Matthias one last glance before you left. You ran over to Elise’s house, telling her of the news. Like you, she had to wake up her child, and dress him quickly. You two knew you couldn’t go to the boat harbor, so you started on foot to the Ravkan border, the cold air freezing the tears on your face.

A/N: my bad if there's mistakes, I'm sick and this screen is hurting my eyes. Also in the books at least, they use bells instead of like, "6pm" but anyway-. I don't know if I wanna make a part 2 or leave this as a stand alone. Stay tuned to see if this sickness takes me out.

[aleksanderscult]

Was the Darkling that much of a liar as the fandom makes him to be?

Because it's literally one thing for a character to truly lie every other page and another for the reader to have been tricked by the narrative that he's a compulsive liar.

If we thoroughly search and find his lying moments in the Grisha trilogy then it would be these:

“I don’t want to answer you.”

“Oh.”

Then he sighed and said, “One hundred and twenty. Give or take.”

After a moment, the Darkling said, “My great-great-great-grandfather was the Black Heretic, the Darkling who created the Shadow Fold.”

“How?” I pleaded. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“By helping me destroy the Shadow Fold.”

“What’s Baghra’s power, anyway?”

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I think she was a Tidemaker.”

“Because every day we don’t find the sea whip, I’ll peel away a piece of her skin. Slowly. Then Ivan will heal her, and the next day, we’ll do it all over again.”

“Where are they? ” I screamed.

“They are safe. For now. They will be on my skiff when I enter the Fold again.”

“As hostages,” I said dully.

He nodded.

So in the whole trilogy the Darkling lied six times. Four if you count the scenes before he was revealed as the "evil guy".

His first real conversation with Alina is considered both by the protagonist and the fandom as manipulative and shady. He lied about his identity, age and true goal. Now let's take it from the beginning.

The fact that he lied about his age and identity wasn't something personal against Alina. This is the exact same lie he had been telling the world for four hundred years as a means of survival and staying as head of the Grisha. Also, did we really expect him to say "Yeah, I was the one who created the Fold. Hehe what can you do?☺️". We would be lying too if we were in his place.

Another thing that needs to be understood here is that the Darkling was testing her. He was trying to see what her personality is like, how does she feel about her newfound powers and, most importantly, what has she heard and how does she feel about him. I'm pretty sure that he was kinda sure that Alina would have been influenced by the people's views about him. And he was right. Alina was afraid of him thanks to the rumors and superstitions that surround him. If she also knew who he truly was then she would run from that barn ASAP.

Now let's see the next lie that the Darkling spat out. The one where he told her that he needs her to destroy the Fold. This was another test. Trying to see how she would react if she knew her true purpose as the Sun Summoner that everybody expected.

Apparently she failed that test as well:

Alina panicked when she heard that the realm's future lies on her shoulders, when she understood that she would be the one to destroy the Shadow Fold. Imagine how she would react if the Darkling said "Okay look. I need you so I can use the Fold against some nations, not destroy it". Yup, she would scream and run.

There's no way the Darkling would say the truth to her, especially since he saw how frightened and prejudiced she was about him and how clueless she was about the whole economical and political situation Ravka was at this point.

He was waiting for the Sun Summoner to be born and emerge for centuries. He would never risk losing her now because of her narrow views and some brutal truths. It was a matter of life and death for him in order to protect his country. And this girl was too young, too naive to understand.

So no. He didn't do it because he had something personal against her or to seduce her. He did it for the good of his country so this girl would stay no matter what.

Sadly, it's evident that in the end the Darkling's suspicions proved to be right. She run away. And when he found her he chastised her about her selfishness and her inability to see the bigger picture.

“Did you deserve my trust? Baghra whispers a few accusations in your ear, and off you go. Did you ever stop to think of what it would mean for me, for all of Ravka, if you just disappeared?”

“You didn’t give me much choice.”

“Of course you had a choice. And you chose to turn your back on your country, on everything that you are.”

“That isn’t fair.”

“Fairness!” he laughed. “Still she talks of fairness. What does fairness have to do with any of this? The people curse my name and pray for you, but you’re the one who was ready to abandon them. I’m the one who will give them power over their enemies. I’m the one who will free them from the tyranny of the King.”

The Darkling was right, she did have a choice. I once heard a line from a show that said "In life we always have a choice. But sometimes it's easier to think that you don't" and it applies to Alina here perfectly. She had a choice but she said to herself that she didn't. And by doing so, she only proved Aleksander right. She can't handle the truth.

Now the next lie is when he lied about his mother's powers. Don't have to dwell here because it's the same thing as before. It's the same lie he tells everyone "I don't know. I'm not sure". The Darkling (publicly) has distanced himself from his mother and keeps that relationship a secret. It's just part of his persona (just like his age, his identity etc.). Again nothing personal against Alina.

The next one is just some clever emotional manipulation. When he made clear to Mal that he would curve Alina's skin he knew that the threat was just enough. He has seen them act all cutie-cutie and being sacrificial for the sake of each other to a disgusting point so he took advantage of that (I say good for him).

And the last one is just my personal favourite if you ask me. That strategy he displayed there was my most favourite that he ever showed. Since he knew again how the threat would be enough for Alina to come to him like fish on a bait. He embraced his villainous persona and pretended that he would hurt those children if she didn't surrender to him. But he knew better. Mindless heroism would just bring her right into his net and again he was proved right until everything fucked up and died.

In his own words:

“I know what you thought, what you’ve always thought of me. It’s so much easier that way, isn’t it? To puff yourself up with your own righteousness.”

Just some delicious shit actually.

So, in conclusion, no. He wasn't a compulsive liar. But when he needed to lie he did and only for (as he saw it) selfless reasons. In fact, he mostly either evaded the truth or spoke truth. So misinformation just spilled that man's reputation lmao.

[ellewritesalright]

Overboard

Nikolai Lantsov x reader

A/N: Hello! This is a request from @lareinaa007. It's set in Nikolai's Sturmhond years. Hope y'all enjoy!!

Request: Request for Nikolai Lantsov based on KOS? Basically its reader who falls into the water and Nikolai has to dive in to save her. You can adjust the story however you see fit!

Synopsis: When you get knocked off the railing of the Volkvolny, your captain dives in after you.

Warnings: Fighting, blood, gunshots/gunwound, stormy weather on the sea, swimming in dangerous waters, mentions of illness and wounds, and idk what else. Fluff.

Word Count: 1800

..........

Nikolai hadn’t meant for this to happen. It was a simple case of fishing without a license gone wrong. He still maintained the sentiment that he should not need a license if his ship was as far from land as it was. But regardless of his opinion, now a Fjerdan fishing hauler was on the Volkvolny’s tail, chasing the schooner like it was meant to police the waters. 

Perhaps it was, his mind mused. He had an annoyed frown as he stood at the helm of his ship. Perhaps it was a ship in the fleet of The Top Secret Fjerdan Fish Police.

Whatever that hauler was, Nikolai was determined not to get caught, and he had the Squallers and Tidemakers at full power as they whipped across the waves as fast as they could. 

He glanced at the deck and his sailors. His eyes landed on you, his very best Squaller and occasional focus of his flirtations. You laughed him off every time he’d say something mildly suggesstive or smile coyly at you, but he never failed to notice you staring at him softly across the deck or glancing at him and quickly glancing away during mealtimes. 

Right now you kept your arms raised to control the masts as you backed up toward him.

“We should be taking the offensive,” you said, voice raised to travel above the noise all around and grace Nikolai’s ears. “Two Squallers and I can slow the hauler down if we turn their wind against them.”

“That’s brilliant!” He beamed at you. 

“I know,” you said, a pleased grin on your face. Saints, he liked your grin.

You followed through with this plan, stepping up to the very back of the Volkvony with two more Squallers. A few looks over his shoulder confirmed that the gap between the Fjerdan ship and the Volkvolny was steadily growing. All because of you, his clever Squaller.

But it was when shots rang out that he got a little worried. He whipped around, seeing the hauler suddenly gaining as the triad of Squallers at the stern ducked down to avoid a quick array of gunfire.

And it was when he noticed you double over that he got a lot worried. He spotted blood coming from a small, bullet-shaped wound in your arm. But despite your pain, you gritted your teeth and stood again as best as you could, raising your arms to work against the hauler. 

But nearby Nikolai, a Tidemaker was thrown off balance from dodging the shooting, and the ship suddenly lurched.

Nikolai watched in horror as you tumbled off the stern of the ship, falling down into the sea. Ordinarily, he would have had a buoy lowered and someone would have rowed out to fish you from the water, but this was not an ordinary moment. The water was more than a little choppy today, hell-bent on sinking the Volkvolny, and the temperature of it was no doubt colder than he could fathom due to the northern location. And then there was the trouble of the furious Fjerdan fishing hauler chasing them.

The Fjerdan ship was not quite as quick as the Volkvolny, but it would still follow its path. If you didn’t clear out of the way of the hauler, you would drown under the weight of its hull. And you couldn’t swim at full capability because of the bullet in your arm. He had to help you.

Without a second thought, he stripped off his heavy coat and dove off the back of the Volkvolny.

He hit the waves with a jolt, feeling the icy water permeate his veins. Just as he thought, it was unfathomably cold. He could see you just a few yards away from him, struggling to stay afloat in the high waves around you. He started to swim toward you, kicking as strongly as he could against the furious water. 

The waves rose, and he lost sight of you, but he kept pushing. He went harder, kicking his legs forcefully as he sought you in the water. The waves lowered again and he found you once more, just a few paces from him.

He breathed in his relief as he made contact with you, helping you float in the treacherous waves.

"You shouldn't have come for me!" You scolded him, your voice sounding hoarse from the cold.

"I'm not leaving you."

This was all he said as he started swimming the two of you through the dangerously tall waves. You stayed quiet besides a few grunts of pain from the bullet wound in your arm. As best as you could, you helped him kick, then suddenly the two of you felt a boost in the water, a gentle nudging towards the Volkvolny. No doubt one of the Tidemakers was trying to save you and the captain.

The Fjerdan hauler was still hot on your trails, but that was the least of either of your worries right now as you both pushed through the waves. A rope was lowered off the side of the Volkvolny, and Nikolai directed the two of you to it. He secured the rope around you first, then looped it around himself. As the rope raised you out of the water, Nikolai held you close.

When you finally reached the deck, Nikolai took a moment to look you over for any more injuries besides the bullet wound in your arm. Both of you were shivering from your harrowingly cold swim, but Nikolai needed to make sure you were safe. His eyes were concerned as he checked on you. He had a small, almost pouty frown on his lips as he brushed his hand along your forehead and looked into your eyes. 

It was only when Tolya came to you and began heartrending to staunch your bleeding that Nikolai left your side. You watched him cross the deck, picking up his teal coat where he discarded it. He slung it over his shoulders and continued giving orders to his crew as they fought back the Fjerdan hauler.

Tolya ushered you below deck but you grabbed his arm, catching his attention. "Make sure someone looks over him too. Please." You told him. "I know he's just as freezing as I am, he could catch his death."

Tolya nodded, and then you went below deck to the infirmary corner.

……….

Hours later, when the Volkvolny was miles and miles away from that hauler, and the crew was putting the ship back to right, Nikolai went below deck. He found you in your usual cot, wrappings around your arm as you laid back for a rest. When you noticed him he gave you a polite nod.

"All fixed up?" He spoke almost timidly.

"For the most part. I've got a fair bit of salt water in my lungs, though," you joked half-heartedly.

He cracked a smile. 

You sat up a bit more, wincing as you put pressure on your arm. Nikolai was quick to rush to your side, helping you lean up, but you swatted at him a bit. He stepped back again.

"You shouldn't have done that today," you said quietly.

"Fishing without a license is a stupid rule, and I will not let the Fjerdans push me around–"

"That's not what I'm talking about," you interjected, giving him a look.

Nikolai took a beat, then he sat down on the edge of your cot. "I wasn't going to leave you."

"You put the crew in danger, you put yourself in danger, Sturmhond. You can't go rescuing every person who goes overboard--I mean, what if that hauler had caught up to us? What if it killed us?" You sighed, looking away from him. "Then the ship would be without a captain, and there would be many more casualties on the crew than just a Squaller."

"Don't say that," he whispered, shaking his head.

"What else should I say? You were reckless."

"I'm always reckless."

"Well, today you were worse than usual."

"And yet it worked out, didn't it?" He tilted his head at you. "No lives lost today."

You looked down at your lap, your hands fidgeting together. "Still… the crew needs you."

Nikolai reached for your hands, and you felt an uncontrollable current spread through you from his touch. It warmed you, despite how cold his hands were. His thumb traced along the back of your hand as he looked into your eyes. 

"And I need you," he said softly.

Your mouth parted just slightly at his words. The certainty of his voice killed you a bit, but you would be willing to die a thousand times just to hear him say that again and again. I need you. I need you. I need you.

You gripped his hand in return, watching as he slowly smiled at you. You laced your fingers with his, drawing him closer to you.

"Your hands are cold," you said. "I told Tolya to keep an eye out for you. I don't want you catching pneumonia."

"I'm just fine, darling," he smiled, leaning in closer to you. "Better than fine, actually. There's a lovely Squaller holding my hands as we sit in a bed together, things could only go up from here."

He gave you a wink and you scoffed, playfully nudging him back from you. "I'm serious. Did someone check on you?"

"Yes. I'm in good health, I assure you."

You brushed back his damp hair, sighing lightly. "Good."

He leaned into your touch. You were starting to think your favourite sight was his stare as it softened on you; the adoration in his eyes had your heart skipping a beat. He traced his thumb on your hand again.

"I wasn't lying before, or being over dramatic as you sometimes accuse me of," he said quietly, smiling at you. A faint blush crept up his neck. "I need you… Truly and completely."

You held back from grinning too wildly as you met his hopeful eyes. "I need you too."

"Of course you do." He started to smirk. "Who else would have fished your ass out of the sea?"

You rolled your eyes, grinning at full tilt now. "You're ridiculous."

"But you need me."

"And you need me."

"Yes, it's a dreadful situation we've both found ourselves in. If only there was some way to settle this," he said, a flirtatious shimmer in his eyes as he leaned in closer to you.

You met him halfway, kissing him softly. Any residual cold you'd felt from your time in the sea today melted away with his touch.

..........

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more, I really appreciate the feedback! Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Masterlist

[amiramorozova]

Best Friends to Eternal lovers - Baghra's POV and Alina's POV

Having to fill in for my son to bring forth a girl who could not summon at will was absurd...but it was technically his wedding night since he and his bride chose to go get the girl instead of running off to their wedding night early. So I did as asked and when it was time, brought Alina before the King. The King and I hardly had much interaction to say the least. 

"Moi Tsar, this is Alina Starkov. The Sun Summoner." I said as he looked at her, had my son been here there would probably be more finess, he knew how to charm the royals. Something I taught him but then he was my son. "Well let's see what she can do." He said as I nod to a Grisha who helped make the room go dark so the King could not see. 

I didn't have a choice but to amplify the girl so she could see for herself that she was sunlight and even the royals were impressed. When it was over, then the King stood up. "Amazing, when can she start?" The King asked as I kept my cool despite my annoyance with being here in my sons place. "That will have to be taken up with General Kirigan, when he returns from his honey moon with his newly wife." I said 

The King realized then he had no way of finding out the details he wanted with his General on a honeymoon with being newly wed. It was rare to even see a General get time and to see the two were off, I almost half expected Amira to come back pregnant with his child..the idea of my first grandchild seemed odd. 

"Well get her training started, the faster we can become one nation the faster we can end the talk of this united Ravka." The King said as we both bowed. I walked Alina back to her room where she was hugged by the other Grisha and it seemed they all accepted her except one..the one who wanted my son's attention but lost it to his wife. After that we made it ot her room and she seemed to have questions. 

"So you are?" Alina asked as I was still annoyed about this entire situation. "Baghra, I train the Grisha. I also help out when he needs it which is rare but then he doesn't get married everyday." I said as she must have picked up the idea that I was annoyed with his choices but it was his choices. "You don't like his wife? She seems nice, she said she's a hundred and eighteen years old.." Alina said as she must have noticed my annoyance.

-Alina's Pov-

Baghra was annoyed, I wondered why but she didn't seem to right out answer. "Yes, they are older than they both appear. The stronger the grisha, the longer the life." Baghra said though I got the feeling there was so much more than she was letting on. Baghra then looked like she wanted to tell me something but then she saw a fabrikator come and they talked over a few things. 

"You're going to do practice starting tomorrow and you'll do combat practice. You will come and do lessons with me after that." Baghra said as I nod but had a feeling she would tell me in time. 

As I went to my room I laid down, one thing I saw when we were walking was grisha girls upset..I wondered what that was all about but figured that I would find out in time.4

-Baghra pov-

Walking back to my hut I wondered how far this was going to go, who would Aleksander give the stag to if he was truly going after the stag. Though, I knew the truth or I could guess who he would give it to...Amira. 

The whole reason I wanted to keep Amira from Aleksander was in case he got power hungry..especially after Merzost but it wasn't working. No matter how much time I kept them apart, they found each other over and over again. Aleksander had become obsessed with his grandfather's study and now he had not one but two Sun Summoners to do his bidding..I could only hope that Amira will make wise choices.

I thought about warning Alina about Aleksander, how he might turn Amira into his own benefit. Warn her that he might try to find a way to split the amplifier between them to trigger both of their power..but it wasn't heard of..

He would never break the laws and try to give the stag to both..would he? The more I thought about it the more I thought he might try to figure out how to do just that. Have both of them bound to his power, but where Amira would be free as his lover..he would turn Alina into a slave. I knew I had to prepare her for whatever would come. 

My Son will not win..

//Wedding night on the next chapter//

TagList: @lifeisingrey​,  @houseoftoomanyfandoms​, @mizelophsun11​, @budugu​ ,   @wheresthesunshinesblog  

[heliads]

can you make a nikolai lantsov x reader?? i've been thinking about one where reader was one of sturmhond's crew as a tidemaker and they were together for a long time, but when nikolai became king, the two separated because royalty had done too much harm to r family and she didn't want to become one of them (besides her being Grisha). maybe after RoW they finally talk and get back together??

yesss pirate!reader x nikolai my beloved

masterlist

If Nikolai Lantsov were to regret anything in his life, anything at all, it would be how he handled her. It’s not that he regrets her, he wants to make that clear. He couldn’t if he tried, and Nikolai has tried many times to get over her, to find some flaw out of an improbability of perfection so he might not feel as achingly heartbroken as he always does.

But when Nikolai lies awake at night, unable to sleep despite a gilded bedroom and dozens of lush pillows and luxurious blankets, the worries troubling his mind are not of a country to run, nor the endless cycles of politics constantly reinventing new problems to crush his world beneath his boot. No, he thinks of one woman. He thinks of you.

Before Nikolai was the latest Lantsov king, before he was a homeward bound prince, he was a boy, and a boy who wanted to run. A much younger Nikolai in body and spirit had signed onto a pirate ship the second his guards turned their backs. It was a terrible decision for a golden prince to make, but the best choice for the bastard who never wanted to see another silver spoon again unless he was stealing it.

When Nikolai was a young man, he determined that he would be the captain of a ship, and a captain always needs a crew he can depend on to carry him through thick and thin. Nikolai sailed to countless foreign shores, finding friends and enemies in oceans sapphire and stormy, cerulean and calm. He wore dashing waistcoats and ruined them with the blood of slashed throats. He blockaded and benefitted small towns with equal joy.

And, most importantly of all, Nikolai found his first mate. It is a difficult thing, of course, choosing someone who could be your successor. If he picked someone a little too captivating, he ran the risk that they could depose him in a mutiny. If he gave that spot to someone the crew hated, though, his leadership would be undermined all the same.

He was just starting to think it would be impossible to find the right sort of figure, and then this young woman he’d never met before had simply walked up and asked for it. Technically, it wasn’t such an easy meeting as that. She had actually stolen one of the rowboats off of his ship while it was tied to their ship in the harbor with her abilities as a Tidemaker, then used the water to ferry her over to him.

From anyone else, Sturmhond would consider that a punishable offense. However, the privateer in him was also a politician, and one used to fronts and facades at that. Nikolai looked at the woman in front of him and realized that she wasn’t looking to use him as an avenue for a coup to captainship. She’d done her research and figured out that he was the best captain to serve under, and was simply ensuring that she made a good impression.

There is nothing Nikolai can appreciate like a fine display of showmanship, so he’d accepted her acceptance of his non-offer and told her to move her belongings into the first mate’s cabin that night. The crew woke up to a new member, and they took to her as readily as Nikolai himself.

After that, it was easy. Nikolai skimmed over frothy waves and he had someone by his side, a proper companion. He has liked his crew heartily all this time, but Y/N– he likes Y/N even more. Saints, he loves her. It takes him a while to realize that, but he does. Once that knowledge is common to him, the fact that he could have felt anything else is nothing short of absurd.

He’d given her his name a long time ago. Part of it, at least. They’d been on night guard together one shadowy twilight and she’d begged him for some sort of name she could use. Sturmhond, although great for inspiring fear and leadership as he saw fit, wasn’t personal enough for a friend, and Captain was too formal. Nikolai had witnessed many years of his father forcing everyone to refer to him as the king and nothing more. Never will he force a title on anyone.

So he’d said Nik, she could call him Nik, and that was more than good enough. It feels like cheating, a little, to have her bypass his real name and go straight to the familiar nickname. If anyone could do it, though, it would be her. Captains aren’t supposed to have favorites among their crew, but this is Y/N, and he loves her, so she calls him Nik, and he– he lets it happen.

All this truth, this love, and he never told her who he was. Not by choice. How could he? Y/N hated the monarchy, and so did he. The elder Lantsovs did not treat Grisha kindly, only tolerating them in the confines of the Little Palace. There was nothing Nikolai could do to protect them, to protect her, half as well in Os Alta as he could as Sturmhond, so he kept it a secret.

You could call that selfishness. You would be correct in doing so. Nikolai did not tell Y/N he was a prince because he was terrified of how she would push him away. In the end, there was nothing he could do to avoid that. The Darkling called on his help in capturing Alina Starkov, and Nikolai revealed that last ace in his sleeve the night before he was to dock in Ravka and personally escort the Sun Saint and her friends back to Os Alta.

He will never forget how Y/N had looked at him when she finally learned what he was, not as long as he shall live. He had asked her to come to his office, to lock the door so no one could hear. Y/N has been host to a great many of his secrets, good and bad and terrible, so she thought she could handle just one more.

She was wrong. Nikolai stood before her, and said, “I am the son of the king.”

She’d laughed, actually, but that had dried up when she realized he wasn’t joking. “No. You can’t be serious. All this time we’ve been out here, and you haven’t told me? You would have told me.”

Her eyes were desperate, pleading. Y/N L/N is one of the finest pirates Nikolai ever had the pleasure of meeting. He’s seen her go into no-luck gunfights with a grin on her face, and now she looks like all of her luck has finally run out. How awful, that he would be the one to finally crush her spirit underfoot.

“I knew you wouldn’t like it,” he tries to explain.

Y/N shakes her head. “No. I don’t like it when Tolya borrows my knives to slice fruit. I don’t like it when we stay in small towns too long. Nik, it’s not that I don’t like it that you’re a royal. It’s that you’ve betrayed me. You know how the Lantsov kings have treated Grisha, how they’ve treated anyone who isn’t an elite.”

It occurs to Nikolai that this might be how he loses her, in truth. “Y/N, please. We can change everything. Why do you think I came out here in the first place? I want to help Ravka. I want to help my people. Just come with me. We can do it together.”

She waves her hand dismissively. “No. I don’t want to be one of them.”

Not like he is, at least. Nikolai is endlessly, ineffably them, but she doesn’t have to be. She’s safe from them. From him. “Y/N. I love you, and I want you with me. Please, come to Os Alta with me.”

She turns to him abruptly, eyes violent. “No. That’s final, Nik.”

Ah. So it ends. And so Nikolai had gone to bed alone, heart a bitter mess of hurt, and he had disembarked from his ship with Alina and Mal and the rest. He had taken them to Os Alta, he had reclaimed his position on the throne, and all the while, he knew that he would never want anything in the world half as strongly as he just wanted her. 

It’s funny, isn’t it? Nikolai is a king now, and despite all his reach and power, the one thing he desires most will never be in his grasp again. She will always be the sea’s, and, as of late, that means she will never be Nikolai’s. Nikolai is chained to the crown; he will never leave it, he can never leave it. Y/N will be out there on the storm-tossed waves forever, as wild as the night he met her, and that will cause him grief until the day that he dies.

Nikolai grows up and it gets no better. He watches friends lose themselves to war and misery. He wears the crown upon his head, and then, surrounded by the clamoring voices of those who wanted him gone, he relinquishes it. Nikolai had tried to do his best while he was in office, but, walking back from the meeting with a strangely light feeling upon his head and shoulders where a great burden no longer rests, he wonders if it had ever been enough.

No one can ever be enough for Ravka. This he has known since he was a child. He had tried, though. The trying should at least get him somewhere. Nikolai passes blind laps around the Great Palace, attempting to remember every garden and room before he leaves it. He’ll have to pack his bags at some point, move out and find somewhere else to call a home after so many years in this one place.

Zoya has already offered for him to stay here, albeit in a different room. He’s a valuable advisor thanks to all his years on the throne, and he’s still as good a diplomat as ever. Nikolai will probably take her up on it; he wants to help Ravka, and this seems like the best way to do it.

About a week later, Zoya knocks on the door of his new rooms before letting herself inside when he invites her in. She’s taking to her new royal title very well, even if this seems to include her stealing his tea far more times than is strictly proper. 

This time, though, she isn’t here to stop and talk. Instead, Zoya hovers hesitantly at his door, and says, “There’s someone here to see you.”

Nikolai arches a brow. “I didn’t realize relinquishing my crown meant I got to have the Dragon Queen herself here to announce my visitors. Will you do this every time?”

Zoya laughs sarcastically, but her voice is still stilted when she adds on, “Just this time. She says she knows you. She was on your crew. First mate.”

Nikolai swears his heart stops in his chest. This is– no, it couldn’t be. He told Zoya about Y/N a long time ago. She’d asked why he hadn’t been more invested in finding a suitor and he’d admitted that he was pushing it off for as long as possible, knowing he couldn’t love unless it was her.

He nods a little frantically. “Alright. Where is she?”

“Here,” says a voice behind Zoya, and then the queen of Ravka is disappearing back down the hall and Nikolai is alone in a room with someone else and– and it’s Y/N, Y/N after so long, and he doesn’t really know how to think straight, let alone say anything at all.

She pauses over the threshold before finally going inside and shutting the door behind you. “I suppose I should be glad you’re speechless. Shows you still care, at least.”

“Of course I do,” Nikolai chokes out. “But– you do too? You’re here.”

She inclines her head, taking a seat on the chair opposite him. “I came as soon as I heard that you would no longer be king. I thought it would be hard. To lose this one last thing from your family.”

Nikolai frowns. “You hate my family.”

“I don’t hate you,” she says simply, “and even if they treated you harshly, they were still your blood. That means more than any of us want to admit, I think.”

Nikolai sighs. “You’ve always been the wise one, Y/N.”

She smiles at that. “Isn’t that why you hired me, Nik?”

The nickname again. His heart contracts painfully in his chest. “I should have told you,” he blurts out. “I should have told you everything.”

“I knew a lot,” she replies, “Enough to love you. I’m glad for every moment. There would have been fewer if you had told me sooner.”

Nikolai grimaces at the truth in that. “So you’re alright with me being a Lantsov now?”

She furrows her brow. “I heard some whispers that you aren’t entirely a Lantsov at all.”

He can’t really argue with that. “Who am I, then?”

“You’re Nik,” she tells him, “My Nik. My captain. And yes, my king, even if you’ve given over the throne. I always kept track of what you were doing during your reign. I was always proud of you.”

A bright burst of pride flares in his chest. “What do you advise I do now, if my reign is over?”

She stands, extends a hand to him. “We could always go back to a good time. The sea only gets bigger.”

Nikolai looks up at her, and he thinks– this is what he’s missed. Nikolai makes a fine king, but he has always missed adventure. He’ll have that now. And, when they both get old and tired, they can come back here, and continue making policies now that they’ve lived the lives of both the rich and the outlaw. It sounds wonderful to Nikolai.

He takes her hand. “Shall we go, then?”

She smiles. Radiant. He loves her just as much as he did at the start. “I think we shall.”

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