#tw auto-immune disorder

[skullingwaydraws]

A recent illustration I made to submit to a show about disability

I wanted to depict pain and work. It wasn't selected, but I still wanted to share for any who relate 💕

[hotgrrrlgross]

had an appointment today

CW// vent post lols and honestly as much as i want to be hopeful and look forwards having a doctor turn to you, you desperately needing help and them going "well, what do you want to do about this?" I DUNNO??? IMPROVE MY QUALITY OF LIFE??? A LITTLE??? what else am i gonna say?? "oh yeah i actually plan on not getting better i want to get so bad i die thanks!" like....yeah please make me do all the decision making here. i am turning to *you* for help. please help me?? give me mobility aids??? a physical therapist?? pain management???? something??? you looked at my list of symptoms and went "well that's not good" and then ask *me*??? what i wanna do?? please. just help me. just fucking help me that's what i want.

[waywardvictorianconfessions]

even IF she has an eating disorder rather than an autoimmune condition, y'all are being incredibly cruel about that too

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #14

Yuri

Hello, everyone! Greetings from Kiyomatsu!

I know it's been a while since either of us recorded anything in our journal, but it's been a very busy ten days. There's been a lot to do.

I'm not quite sure how we managed it, but we moved out of the old house exactly on the day we'd aimed for. It was before the end of the month, and Mrs. Ito seemed more than a bit surprised when I phoned her and asked her to come over and collect the keys.

We're officially moved into our new house now. We've been here for three days, and we're settling in nicely. It really is my dream home. Before this, it was only in my wildest imaginings that I could've seen myself in a house like this. Sometimes, I catch myself marvelling at the fact we're here.

Victor's mom is still with us, and from start to finish, she's been a true blessing throughout the entire dramatic story of our move. She'll be leaving at the end of the week, but she said she'd like to come back to stay with us again for a while in the winter.

When she first arrived, if anyone had asked me if I'd be okay with that, I would've told them a resounding no, but I've gotten closer to her over the course of her visit. We need to make a bit more progress before we'll be entirely comfortable with each other, but I think we understand one another better than we did when she arrived, and now I'm looking forward to having her come back so we can continue building our friendship.

Oh, I nearly forgot! we promised you the rest of the house tour last time, didn't we? Let's do that first, and then I'll tell you our other news.

Here's one of my favourite features. Our mountain has several natural hot springs, but the one on Uncle Kaz's property may be one of the very few that has a private home built next to it. The other one here in Kiyomatsu, for example, is on the property of a public bath house. It's much bigger than this one, so it makes sense that someone several generations ago had the idea to build a community gathering place next to it.

We really like not having to share ours. Victor and I both love it, and we've been in it for a short time each day. Dr. Nelson isn't such a fan, though. She tried it once, and then declared that it was, "not appropriate to be sitting around half-naked outdoors in the middle of winter." It's still summer, but neither of us bothered to point that out to her. I guess it's easy to forget what season it is when one is surrounded by snow all the time.

In any case, we don't mind if she doesn't want to join us. If she isn't watching us, we're free to cuddle in there if we want to, and maybe a little something else. I really don't like letting Victor kiss me in front of his mother. She tends to look for longer than is polite, in my opinion.

I could go on about the hot spring, but I'd better not. Let me get around to the areas of the house Victor hasn't already told you about. I wanted to get my work space set up before I shared that part of the house with all of you, and there was no bed in my room the last time, so it might've been premature to show it like that.

Here's my room. I'm in love with how big and bright it is. I'm very comfortable in it, and I may not want to sleep in Victor's room as much now that I've got a beautiful space like this. I'd rather see if I can convince him that he needs to be in here more often with me instead.

Another thing that makes me happy about my room is that I don't have to work in it. Separating work life and home life is challenging if you don't know whether you're working in your bedroom or sleeping in your office.

This is my cute little dedicated work corner, so now I can leave work out of my bedroom, as it should be. It's got plenty of natural light, and it's upstairs, so it's out of the way of the higher-activity areas of the house.

i think Victor may have mentioned our formal dining room last time, but I'm not sure if he showed you what it looks like. On our first official day as occupants of the house, we decided to celebrate by having dinner in there, and it was so lovely that I kind of want to eat in the dining room every day now.

Victor made a stew with black beans and tofu and big pieces of different vegetables, and he made some sort of chicken dish for himself and his mother. I baked a vanilla cream cake for dessert.

I put on some music, and we all sat down at our cozy kotatsu —our low, heated dining table — to enjoy the occasion and each other's company. Everything smelled so good. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd been that enticed by the scent of something edible, and I could hardly wait to try the stew.

The only real difficulty of the evening arose when I let Dr. Nelson fill my bowl for me. When I say filled, I mean there were barely two or three centimeters of the inner rim of the bowl visible.

I stared at it for a second or two. I’d never have put that much food in a bowl for myself, and I knew Victor never would, either. He'd never have expected me to be comfortable with that much in front of me.

Victor clearly noticed I was having this small dilemma. Across the table from me, I heard him say softly, "Yuri," and when I looked up at him, he silently formed the words, "You okay?"

Was I? Doing my best to tell myself that a too-full bowl was a silly reason to panic, I nodded. Victor smiled.

Unluckily for me, Dr. Nelson must not have caught this exchange, because the next thing I heard was, "Yuri, sweetie, at least take one bite before you start making that face."

"I'm not making a face," I said.

"It's fine, Mom," Victor said. "He always makes that face."

"It's not very complimentary to your cooking."

"Mom, you don’t—" Victor began, but then seemed to think better of whatever he’d been about to say. He sighed and tried again with, "You know what usually works better than criticism? Encouragement.”

“I wasn’t trying to be critical,” Dr. Nelson said. “It’s just that you put a lot of effort into this, and—“

“Mom. I said it’s fine.”

“I really want to eat it,” I said, embarrassed. “I didn't know I was making a face."

"It's okay," Victor said. "I know you really want to, and I know you can. You've been doing so good with your eating lately. I haven't had to coax you or nag you at all this last couple weeks."

"I don't remember you ever nagging me," I said.

"Well, whatever it is I do when I'm pleading with you not to let yourself slowly starve, then.”

“When you make your mealtime face, you mean?”

“Do I make a particular face?”

“Yes,” I said. “It’s that dramatic sad face. The same one you make when it rains and you can’t go on the trails.”

Abruptly, Victor snorted with laughter. “Yuri Okamoto, you’re making that up! I do not look all dramatic when I can’t snowboard.” Then, pausing with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth, “I don’t, do I?”

At that point, Dr. Nelson was laughing too. “Oh, Victor… I’m afraid you do, sweetie. I should know. I’ve seen that one a lot more than Yuri has.”

And, just like that, the little moment of tension had passed, and the remainder of our official welcome home dinner was wonderful. The stew tasted every bit as delicious as it smelled, and I surprised myself with how much of it disappeared from my bowl.

I have to say, I've been feeling really well lately. I'm not sure what the reason is, but I'm not about to question it. I'm just grateful for the reprieve, because everything in our lives has been so hectic during the past couple of weeks that I couldn't have done even a fraction of the things I needed to do if I'd been fatigued and in pain. I need to be careful not to overextend myself, since I still tire more easily than a normal, healthy person, but it's amazing how much more energetic I am when I'm not in near-constant discomfort.

Victor keeps teasing me about putting on weight. I'm never going to love food, like he does, but recently I've been waking up hungry and wanting to eat something. That hasn't happened for a long time. I think Victor's probably trying to create some momentum for my newfound appetite, because he's been cooking all the things he knows I like, and he's figured out that if he gives me very small portions, I'll succeed in eating everything on my plate. Like he keeps telling me, if it's not enough, I can always ask for seconds.

I can't even begin to tell you how much of a psychological boost it gives me when I actually finish a meal. It helps me feel confident and less anxious about the next one. And who knows? At this rate I may very well put on a kilogram or three. I'm sure my doctor would be pleased if I did.

I wish things could stay like this. It would be amazing if I could get up every day for the rest of my life and enjoy breakfast with my soulmate, and have plenty of energy to do what I want to do. Sadly, though, it won't be this way indefinitely. I'm living with a chronic digestive system condition, an auto-immune disorder that can only be managed, not cured.

The medications I have to take to suppress my mutinous immune response and prevent my body from literally attacking itself unfortunately also make me susceptible to every contagious illness that goes around, so even when my insides are more or less behaving themselves, it's not always smooth sailing. The meds effectively weaken my body's ability to fight, so I never get just a little bit sick with a cold or the flu or a stomach bug. Even the most minor illnesses can end up being a big deal for me.

Last winter's cold, for example, evolved into a respiratory infection that put me in the hospital for eight days. That was... not fun. I seriously thought I was dying, and poor Victor was so exhausted from stress and lack of sleep by the time I was finally able to go home that I had to ask my mother if she'd come over and help us out a bit, just so he could rest. Even after I was technically better and no longer taking a cocktail of antibiotics, the reality was that I spent the rest of the winter recovering.

But, enough of that. It's all behind us for the time being. Right now, I'm feeling strong, and I'm determined to make the most of it while I can.

I have things i want to accomplish here at home, and of course Victor and I are planning our first international voyage together. We're hoping to travel during the Winterfest holiday. We’ll only be able to go for a week or ten days, but I think I'm okay with that. Plus, at that time of year, I know Victor won't want to be away from the mountain for too long. We're tentatively considering Selvadorada, although for my first trip outside my home country, I'm kind of leaning toward someplace a little less... unpredictable. Wherever our destination is, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be feeling as good as I do now and that I'll be prepared to embrace our adventure to the fullest.

In other news, things are going amazingly well for me at work. Do you remember my company's newest client? The one I had to prepare a sales presentation for a few weeks ago? Well, it's the sports equipment company GnomeSports, and among other things, they make skis and snowboards.

My boss, Mr. Tanaka, said I'd get a bonus if we succeeded in getting them to hire us for their marketing and communications. I'll be honest; I was hoping the bonus would be money. It wasn't, but I was far from disappointed when i found out what it was. My bonus turned out to be a credit to purchase something from the company's range of products, and it was a significantly large enough amount that it covered the cost of two pro-class snowboards. One for Victor, and one for me.

I haven't told Victor yet. All he knows so far is that I needed the car today because I had to go into town to pick up something related to my work.

His new board is exactly the one that he's been drooling over for months on the company's website. It's even the colour that he said he wanted. I half thought about putting it away and surprising him with it for his birthday, but I don't think I'd be able to keep it a secret from him until winter. Besides, he'll need time to break it in if he's going to ride it in competition this season.

I can't wait to see the look on his face when he gets home from work and sees it.

Yes, that's our other big news. Victor got a job. He's a personal health and wellness coach, and he's working right here in Kiyomatsu at the fitness center. Today was his first day.

He was so nervous this morning before he left. Ever since he was offered the position, he's been worrying about his language ability and his social etiquette and whether or not he'll fit in with his co-workers and get along with his new clients. I've told him over and over that his manners and his language skills are fine, and Victor is a people-person, so I have absolutely no doubt that everyone will like him.

Doesn't he look adorable in his uniform? He can be my personal wellness coach any time.

Sorry... that's our inside joke. Essentially, Victor is my personal wellness coach, and he's very good at it. The only difference now is that we get to take advantage of a lot of the fitness center's services for free, and so he'll be able to help me change my exercise program and start teaching me how to lift weights safely. I can also get therapeutic massages for a reduced fee, due to the fact that I'm Victor's 'spouse'.

We laughed about that yesterday when he came home from his work orientation and told me that he'd added me as a beneficiary to his new insurance benefits, and had put my name on the center's list of immediate family members of staff.

"I had to tick the box for 'spouse or partner'," he'd said. "It didn't have a box for 'soulmate'. I hope that's okay."

He was so earnest, I just wanted to hug him and ruffle his hair. "Of course it's okay," I'd told him. "We're partners, aren't we?"

"In every way," he'd agreed.

Another perk of the fitness center that we can access for free is the pool, and my personal wellness coach has promised to teach me how to swim. I'm a little scared, but also excited. It's something I've wanted to do for a while, but never had the opportunity and the stamina at the same time. Now, I've got both, and it seems like the perfect moment.

I'm going to end this entry here, because I have to pick Victor up from work soon. I'm sure he'll be bursting to tell you all about his new job next time, and his new snowboard as well. Don't be surprised if he's more excited about his board than his job. Knowing him, he'll want to try it out as soon as the rain stops.

When we take our new boards up to the trails for a test run, we'll try to remember to give you the full tour. See you soon on the mountain!

[theirritablebitchsyndrome-blog]

Irritable Bitch or Irritable Bowels?

Since I was an infant I had “tummy problems.” Those problems never seemed to subside throughout childhood and even now into my young adult life, I am still graced with the gripes. Perfect.

I always thought I was sensitive, or that everyone else had these issues and were just button-lipped about it. When I was about 15 or 16 I decided to cut dairy out of my diet. My family is european so chevre, brie, cheddar... these are holy words in our house. Giving up dairy was tough but I knew that it was going to benefit my health in the long run. 

Understanding my lactose intolerance was only the beginning. Feeling like an asshole at restaurants for stressing the point that I cannot have dairy made me really anxious about food. I could hear myself annoying the people around me and in turn this fucking hungry monkey on my back was taunting me about all the things I was going to miss out on. Teenage-hood also welcomed anxiety which in my English/Irish Catholic family wasn’t really something we considered or wanted to confront. The world was against me, as most 16 year olds believe, and what’s worse? I CAN’T EAT FUCKING CHEEEEEEEEEESEEEEEE!

When I graduated from high school, I went directly into extending my education at the local university. There was something different about me. I was apathetic, sluggish and I had been losing weight rapidly. I come from a big-boned family, none of us are slim, so being skinny for the first time in my life was weird! As I began to enjoy feeling like I took up less space in the world, I also began to lose my confidence. I felt like a shell of a person. This wasn’t an issue with food, this was definitely bigger than my digestion. 

After years of being a tired asshole, I decided at 20 I wanted to figure it out. I saw a naturopathic doctor who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and the autoimmune disease Hashimoto’s. Which, plainly, impacts the antibodies in our bodies. My body was essentially attacking my thyroid, which wasn’t even working, and ya’ girl was very sleepy all the time. I couldn’t exercise. I couldn’t sleep very well. I couldn’t communicate effectively. School was hard as hell. I was pushing all my friends away, I felt the only thing I could offer people was my body and I was simply miserable. 

Sure, I was sorting out my thyroid. I also was being screened for food allergies, but I knew there was something else going on. I should’ve been feeling better, I so desperately wanted to feel “normal.” My hormones! Ah. I went to my lovely gynecologist and seeing as I knew thyroid and hormones are related, she must be able to put a pin in it. I had essentially no estrogen in my body, my b12 was incredibly low and my ferritin didn’t really exist. Once we treated those, I still felt like shit. This is 5 years of feeling 50%. After the demise of my first relationship, even if for the better, my body started to kind of give up. Depression really took over me like a cloak and I could feel myself not having much left to give. I was bloated all the time and I couldn’t poop right. As hilarious as that is, when you can’t poop-- it’s like sheer torture. I felt really alone at this point in my life and didn’t even feel important to my family. I was always going to the doctors and I felt like I was going crazy. 

I had stomach aches all the time but one night after eating pork rillette (pork and fat) I had the worst gripes under my ribs. I thought I was having a panic attack, or even something worse. I went to the E.R. for the first time in my life that night and sat with my sweet mom who rubbed my back while we waited. It was a Saturday night so the E.R. was pretty poppin’. I decided that I could tolerate the pain as it was going away and we went back home. I went to see my doctor and she assumed this was a gallbladder attack. This would all make a lot of sense because I had the chronic brain fog, bloating that hurt around my ribs, lethargy and food intolerances that are pretty typical of gallbladder issues. 

It was time for my cholecystectomy surgery. This disgusting gallbladder was ready to be born. And thrown away. I had a large stone that could’ve been growing for the past 5-6 years. Just because I need to brag, my anesthesiologist put lavender in my gas. My first experience getting cut open was as chill as it could possibly be. My surgery lasted maybe no more than 20 minutes and after spending the whole day at the surgery center, I was allowed to go home. Geeked up on the good ol’ drugs they gave me, I honestly just felt weak. No pain, no understanding even of my guts being stabbed hours prior. 

Sometimes we as patients have to advocate for ourselves when seeking medical help. Although I as a grown ass person have shit myself since my surgery, I know that this will help change many things for me in the long run. Partnered with my newfound love for hot power yoga and weight lifting, I feel like I’ve got a new lease on life that I definitely have not had for years. I understand my gut has a huge impact on my mental health. I had a bodily depression for so long that I am more use to feeling 50% than 100%. Even now, the days where I feel good I can take on the world. This is an important message to “healthy” people who don’t want to feel like shit all the time just because they appear to be “healthy”: YOU GET TO ADVOCATE FOR YOUR OWN WELLNESS. As sad as that can be, it can also be incredibly liberating. I am a person who lives with an autoimmune disease and although common, I know that I play a role in my wellbeing. Please never feel bad for not being able to eat certain things, or feeling like you need to take a day to be moody or whatever it may be. You are a human being, a WHOLE human being, who deals with frustrating ass shit and if that makes you anything, it is resilient and intuitive. 

I am posting this because I have felt isolated in the world because of my chronic health issues. I am an attractive, young woman with a lot going on and sometimes I have felt very much so different from my peers. I was compelled to speak on this because I wanted someone to speak my story for me while I was going through it, to feel less alone, to feel less isolated and different. 

[fighting-shit-with-sass]

I’m a wee bit traumatized

I ended up in the cardio thorax ICU early this morning...and a little bit ago the patient in the next room died after being revived 3 times throughout the night...I don’t know how to feel.

[bunnys-kitten]

i love hearing about covidiot celebrities missing opportunities and getting fired

[genshin-impact-updates]

Version 2.1 "Floating World Under the Moonlight" Update Details (Part II)

VIII. Other Additions

1. Adds a new mechanism whereby there is a probability to trigger a character's voice line related to treasure chests when they open treasure chests in the open world.

2. New Recipes:

○ Inazuma Shimura's: Sweet Shrimp Sushi, Bird Egg Sushi, Grilled Unagi Fillet, Omelette Rice

○ Inazuma Kiminami Restaurant: Taiyaki, More-and-More

○ Complete the limited-time World Quest "Contraption-Contrived Cooking Course" to obtain: Rice Pudding, Braised Meat, and Oncidium Tofu.

○ Complete the World Quest "Neko Is a Cat" to obtain: Invigorating Kitty Meal

○ Complete the event "Moonlight Merriment" to obtain: Chili-Mince Cornbread Buns

○ Aloy's specialty: Satiety Gel

○ Sangonomiya Kokomi's specialty: A Stunning Stratagem

○ Kujou Sara's specialty: Faith Eternal

3. New Achievement categories such as "Teyvat Fishing Guide: Series I," Inazuma: The Islands of Thunder and Eternity - Series II," and additions to the "Wonders of the World" category

4. New Namecards:

○ "Travel Notes: Moonchaser": Reward obtained via the BP system.

○ "Raiden Shogun: Enlightenment": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Raiden Shogun

○ "Sangonomiya Kokomi: The Deep": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Sangonomiya Kokomi

○ "Kujou Sara: Tengu": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Kujou Sara

○ "Aloy: Dawn": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Aloy

○ "Achievement: Nails": Reward for completing all achievements under "Teyvat Fishing Guide: Series I"

○ "Inazuma: Sangonomiya Crest": Reward for completing all achievements under "Inazuma: The Islands of Thunder and Eternity - Series II"

○ "Celebration: Tuneful Delight": Obtained from the "Boundless Symphony" bundle

○ "Celebration: Ikki": Obtained from the "Hyakunin Ikki" event

5. New Animals: Adorned Unagi, Red-Finned Unagi, Sunset Loach, Sunny Loach

6. New Fishes: Medaka, Glaze Medaka, Sweet-Flower Medaka, Aizen Medaka, Dawncatcher, Crystalfish, Lunged Stickleback, Betta, Venomspine Fish, Akai Maou, Snowstrider, Brown Shirakodai, Purple Shirakodai, Tea-Colored Shirakodai, Abiding Angelfish, Raimei Angelfish, Golden Koi, Rusty Koi, Pufferfish, Bitter Pufferfish, event-exclusive fish Moonfin

7. Pool of Sapphire Grace: Ornamental Fish caught via Fishing can be raised in this sort of pond. This Furnishing Blueprint can be redeemed at the Liyue Fishing Association.

8. New Bundle "Boundless Symphony" will be added to the Shop at a later date: Purchase this bundle to receive Special Namecard Style: "Celebration: Tuneful Delight," Special Furnishing: "Splendid Phrase," Special Wind Glider: "Wings of Poetic Melodies," and Primogems × 1,000.

9. Adds Collection Series 2 – 6 of "Paimon's Paintings" chat emojis and emoji saving feature

10. Spiral Abyss:

Floor 11 Ley Line Disorders changed to:

• When opponents are defeated, all party members will be affected by the "Corrosion" status.

• Characters being Corroded will lose a fraction of their HP every second. Active characters can be brought down by Corrosion. When a non-active character's HP is less than 15%, they will no longer lose HP due to Corrosion.

• Corrosion lasts 10s and can stack. The duration of each stack is counted independently.

Floor 12 Ley Line Disorders changed to:

• For this floor only, the ley line flow will be normal.

Updated the monster lineup on Floors 11 – 12 of the Spiral Abyss.

Starting from the first time that the Lunar Phase refreshes after updating to Version 2.1, the two Lunar Phases will be as follows：

Phase I:

Renewing Moon

After a character uses an Elemental Burst, all party members' ATK is increased by 6.5% for 15s. Maximum 7 stacks. When 7 stacks are reached, the active character's Normal Attacks will unleash a shockwave at the position of the opponent it hits, dealing AoE DMG. A shockwave can be unleashed in this manner once every 2s.

Phase II:

Cavorting Moon

For 10s after a character uses an Elemental Burst, that character's Normal and Charged Attacks will unleash a shockwave at the position of the opponent they hit at the cost of 1% of the character's HP, dealing AoE DMG. This effect will be cleared when this character leaves the field. A shockwave can be unleashed in this manner once every 1s. Active characters can go down as a result of this HP loss.

※ There will be no change to the reset times of the Spiral Abyss and Blessing of the Abyssal Moon. These remain the first and sixteenth days of each month, respectively. The above Spiral Abyss update will take effect from September 16 (Server Time).

IX. Adjustments & Optimizations

● System

1. After the Genshin Impact Version 2.1 update, each top-up level of Genesis Crystals in the Crystal Top-Up page will be reset to provide a double bonus for the first top-up.

• After the reset, each top-up level will be reset to provide a double bonus upon your first top-up.

• Top-up bonuses that have not been used before the reset will not be accumulated. After resetting, it will not be possible to obtain two double bonuses for each top-up level.

2. After the Version 2.1 update, the "Stellar Reunion" system will feature the following updates:

• The duration of the "Stellar Reunion" event has been extended to 14 days after activation.

• During the first 4 days after unlocking "Homeward Path", new missions will be unlocked every day at 04:00. Complete the specified quests to obtain points and claim rewards. When your accumulated points reach a designated value, you can claim rewards such as Mappa Mare (Catalyst) and Fragile Resin.

• "Reunion Blessing" has been adjusted so Travelers can obtain a total of 21 opportunities to gain double drops during the event period. You can use it up to 3 times a day. The daily usage limit will be refreshed at 04:00 every day.

※ The above times for unlocking and refreshing are based on the time of the server you play on.

The timezone of each server is:

America (UTC-5); Europe (UTC+1); Asia (UTC+8); TW, HK, MO (UTC+8)

● Gameplay

1. Upgrades the trial character's ability in some Story Quests at some World Levels.

● Character

1. Adjusts the glowing effect of Lumine's outfit when she is Elementless.

2. Optimizes the animation effects of Kazuha's Elemental Burst on lower graphics settings.

3. When a character is attacked while immune to some DMG (e.g. when casting Elemental Burst), the shield's DMG Absorption will not decrease.

● Audio

1. Adjusts the frequency for the triggering of some of Ayaka's idle voice lines.

2. Optimizes the trigger mechanism of the characters' voice lines regarding the weather.

3. Optimizes the trigger mechanism of the characters' voice lines related to Friendship Level in the open world.

4. Optimizes the sound effects when using surround sound devices.

5. Optimizes the sound effects when enhancing artifacts and weapons.

6. Optimizes the Chinese and Japanese combat voice lines of some characters, and fixes the problem of missing English combat voice lines for some characters.

7. Optimizes the English, Japanese, and Korean voice lines for certain quests and fixes the issue whereby Japanese voice-over lines were missing from certain quests.

● Monsters

1. Optimizes the characters' skill to lock-on and attack the Ruin Sentinels after the Perpetual Mechanical Array splits.

2. Removes the Nobushi's skill to jump back.

3. Optimizes the combat experience when dealing with the Nobushi's sword-drawing technique.

4. Reduces the weight of the Nobushi and Kairagi.

5. Increases the time that the Pyro Hypostasis's core is exposed when it launches a Pyro pillar attack.

6. Increases the duration of the Pyro Hypostasis's re-ignition skill, and optimizes the character's lock-on experience of attacking the Fire Seeds during its re-ignition skill. When all the Fire Seeds are extinguished, the Pyro Hypostasis will end its re-ignition skill earlier.

● Others

1. Adds the height limit of Thunderwood's area of effect.

2. Optimizes the judgment condition of Raiden Shogun to enter the "Vision Hunt Decree" battle stage in Archon Quest "Chapter II: Act II - "Stillness, the Sublimation of Shadow."

3. Optimizes the style of the crosshair in Aiming Mode.

4. Adds some prompts for loading screens.

5. Adds new voice auto-play function for the Travel Log.

6. Reduces the load taken up by repeatedly placing certain Furnishings in the same area.

7. Adjusts the Adventure Rank requirement for purchasing the Recipe：Triple-Layered Consommé to Adventure Rank 25 (previously Adventure Rank 40).

〓Bug Fixes〓

● Quests

1. Fixes an issue whereby a certain treasure chest on Jinren Island would abnormally disappear after accepting the World Quest "The Farmer's Treasure."

2. Fixes errors in the description of the completion criteria of the Daily Commission "The Thundering Wilds."

3. Fixes an issue with the World Quest "Gazing Three Thousand Miles Away" whereby there is a small chance that the Place of Interest disappeared, causing the quest to be unable to be completed.

● Domains

1. Fixes an issue in the Domain "Shakkei Pavilion" whereby players could enter abnormally, even though they had not completed certain criteria to unlock the Domain.

2. Fixes an issue in the Domain "Empty Boat of a Thousand Gates" whereby the monster Kairagi: Dancing Thunder may get stuck in a corner and is unable to move.

3. Fixes an issue with the Domain "Momiji-Dyed Court" whereby the barrier might not disappear after failing the challenge.

● Monsters

1. Fixes an issue whereby the Perpetual Mechanical Array may get blocked by Geo Constructs when splitting and is unable to return to the center of the arena normally.

2. Fixes an issue whereby the DMG Absorption of the first shield formed by Abyss Mages, Large Cryo Slimes, and Large Geo Slimes may be incorrect.

3. Fixes an issue whereby the enemy Nobushi and Yoriki Samurai could block attacks from Bows and some Catalysts while knocked down.

4. Fixes an issue whereby there was a probability that characters could not attack the core of the Cryo Regisvine and the Pyro Regisvine from the side.

5. Fixes an issue with the Perpetual Mechanical Array whereby characters may get stuck in the air abnormally when performing Plunging Attacks above it.

6. Fixes an issue whereby the Shatter reaction could incorrectly inflict very high DMG to the Cryo Shields of the monsters Large Cryo Slime and Frostarm Lawachurl and the shields of the monsters Ice Shieldwall Mitachurl and Ice Shield Hilichurl Guard. The problem has been fixed, the amount of DMG dealt is the same as in Version 1.5 and previous versions.

7. Fixes an issue whereby the Pyro Hypostasis would often move outside of the combat radius under certain circumstances.

8. Fixes an issue whereby the DMG dealt by the Fatui Mirror Maiden's Mirror Breaker skill was abnormal. After the fix, the DMG dealt to characters by this skill will be affected by the World Level and the character's DEF.

9. Fixes an issue whereby the Fatui Skirmisher - Hydrogunner Legionnaire could not heal the Fatui Cryo Cicin Mage and the Fatui Mirror Maiden.

● Co-Op

1. Fixes an issue in Co-Op Mode whereby multiple button mappings were displayed on other Travelers' screens when one of the party members was using the Thunder Sphere.

2. Fixes an issue whereby when entering or exiting Co-Op Mode, the DMG absorption of monsters' Elemental Shield would not refresh correctly.

● Characters

1. Fixes an issue whereby when switching to the characters Yoimiya or Sayu before Energy Recharge is full, the character's Vision may glow incorrectly.

2. Fixes an issue with Fischl whereby when summoning Oz, there was a probability that his launched Freikugels could not deal DMG to Ruin Cruisers, Ruin Destroyers, Ruin Defenders, and Ruin Scouts.

3. Fixes an issue whereby when Fischl summons Oz, when the Freikugel that Oz shoots lands on bonfires, DMG values are abnormally displayed.

4. Fixes an issue with Kaedehara Kazuha whereby while moving (sprinting excluded), jumping and using his Elemental Skill in the air would abnormally interrupt his Stamina Regeneration.

5. Fixes an issue with the Traveler (Anemo) whereby after the Passive Talent "Slitting Wind" is triggered, it may deal DMG to the enemy twice.

6. Fixes an issue in the description of the Electro Traveler's Lv. 6 Constellation (the actual effects of the skill in-game work as intended). Original description: "Every 2 Falling Thunder attacks triggered by Bellowing Thunder will increase the DMG dealt by the next Falling Thunder by 100%, and will restore an additional 1 Energy to the current character." Revised description: "Every 2 Falling Thunder attacks triggered by Bellowing Thunder will significantly increase the DMG dealt by the next Falling Thunder, dealing 200% of its original DMG, and will restore an additional 1 Energy to the current character."

7. Fixes an issue with Traveler (Electro) whereby after casting the Elemental Skill "Lightning Blade," it is unable to deal DMG to the weak spots of the bosses Cryo Regisvine and Pyro Regisvine.

8. Fixes an issue in the description details of the Electro Traveler's Elemental Skill whereby the description of the Abundance Amulet was unclear (the actual effects of the skill in-game work as intended). Original description: Energy Regeneration|X." Revised description: "Energy Regeneration|X Per Amulet."

9. Fixes an issue whereby when the Traveler (Geo) triggers the Passive Talent "Frenzied Rockslide," the weapon effect of the weapon Mistsplitter Reforged could not be triggered to gain a stack of Mistsplitter's Emblem.

10. Fixes an issue whereby the Geo Construct summoned by the Geo Traveler's Elemental Burst would not be able to be destroyed by enemies.

11. Fixes an issue with the Traveler whereby when the weapon effect of Mistsplitter Reforged is triggered and the Traveler resonates with another Element at the Statue of The Seven, the Character Details page will incorrectly show the previous Elemental DMG Bonus (the actual effects of the item in-game work as intended).

12. Fixes an issue with Diona whereby when she uses her Elemental Skill "Icy Paws" to generate a shield, if the skill is used again during the effect's duration, there is an issue whereby the Base Shield DMG Absorption will not reset, and only its duration is extended.

13. Fixes an issue with Jean's outfit "Sea Breeze Dandelion" whereby the character's profile picture did not match the actual outfit design.

14. Fixes an issue with Lisa's Lv. 1 Constellation "Infinite Circuit" whereby its effect would be triggered abnormally when tapping on her Elemental Skill.

15. Fixes an issue with Ganyu's Lv. 6 Constellation "The Clement" whereby there was a possibility that the Frostflake Arrow effect might become a Normal Attack effect when the Constellation effect was activated.

16. Fixes an issue whereby Burning reactions triggered by factors external to the character (such as monsters, environment, etc.) could be abnormally affected by the character's Elemental Mastery.

17. Fixes an issue whereby the distance display of the tracked target would be abnormal after the character changed outfits.

18. Fixes an issue whereby there is a small probability that a character's Elemental Energy would not fully recharge when it was almost full.

19. Fixes an issue in Co-Op Mode whereby the displayed position of Kamisato Ayaka's Elemental Burst Frostflake Seki no To in other players' game interface may not match its actual position.

20. Fixes an issue under certain circumstances whereby the characters Zhongli, Xingqiu, and Kazuha may incorrectly deal multiple instances of DMG at a time.

21. Fixes an issue under certain circumstances whereby there is a small chance that Barbara's Melody Loop formed by her Elemental Skill may unexpectedly disappear.

● System

1. Fixes an issue with the Serenitea Pot whereby the Furnishing "Tea Wisp-Clouded White Couch" cannot be placed on a table.

2. Fixes an issue with the Serenitea Pot whereby placing Furnishings would cause the game to crash under certain conditions.

3. Fixes an issue on the map whereby a small island south of Ritou was displayed in the Inazuma region (the island does not actually exist in the game).

4. Fixes an issue whereby the player would be disconnected from the server when trying to dismount the Waverider, and upon reconnecting, if the player is teleported to a location far from the Waverider, they would still be able to control it with the button.

5. Fixes an issue whereby abnormal text letters may appear on the interface filter when viewing the gadget "Seed Dispensary" when using a controller.

6. Fixes an issue with the accepting of requests from residents in Inazuma whereby if a resident asks for help in collecting an item, and the player is disconnected from the server after handing over the item, the player must hand over the item again after reconnecting to the server.

● Audio

1. Fixes some abnormal sound effects for some scenes and environments, and optimizes the musical effects for some scenes.

2. Fixes an issue whereby some characters' Elemental Burst would be interrupted, and optimizes the sound effects of some characters' idle animations.

3. Fixes an issue with abnormal sound effects when playing with multiple keys using the gadget Windsong Lyre.

● Other

1. The description of the 4-Piece Set effect of the Artifact, Shimenawa's Reminiscence is unclear (actual effects of the skill in-game work as intended). Original description: "When casting an Elemental Skill, if the character has 15 or more Energy, they lose 15 Energy and Normal/Charged/ Plunging Attack DMG is increased by 50% for 10s." Revised description: "When casting an Elemental Skill, if the character has 15 or more Energy, they lose 15 Energy and Normal/Charged/ Plunging Attack DMG is increased by 50% for 10s. This effect will not trigger again during that duration."

2. Fixes an issue whereby the server disconnected when using the Thunder Sphere and party setup configuration becomes unavailable after reconnecting to the server.

3. Fixes textual errors and display issues in Spanish, English, Korean, French, Japanese, Thai, Portuguese, Indonesian, and Russian and optimizes the localization of text. (Note: Related in-game functions have not changed. Travelers can view the changes in different languages by going to the Paimon Menu > Settings > Language and changing the Game Language.) Text-related fixes and optimizations in English include:

◆ Optimized the English translation of a book series' name from "Onibudo" to "Onibudou."

◆ Optimized certain instances of a character's name from "Saiku" to "Saiguu."

◆ Optimized instances of a character's name from "Kanade" to "Hibiki."

*This is a work of fiction and is not related to any actual people, events, groups, or organizations.

[spencers-renaissance]

storm-darkened or starry bright

Summary: Spencer contracts HIV. It all falls apart after that.

Tags: angst, illness, hurt!spencer, hurt/comfort, worried derek, depression, mutual pining, getting together, angst w a happy ending

TW: vomit, implied/referenced sex and addiction, disordered thinking, depression as a result of medical diagnosis

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6.5k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

(I've tagged my usual moreid taglist in this fic, but I won't be offended at all if this is too heavy for you!)

Title from "Where All My Books Go" - W.B. Yeats.

Originally inspired by J_Ballinger's Swift, Fierce & Obscene which is just a brilliant piece of art.

you said I could have anything I wanted, but I just couldn’t say it out loud — richard siken, litany in which certain things are crossed out

It starts with the flu.

He calls into work sick and he makes himself comfortable in bed, preparing to ride it out. It is the middle of January after all, and their last case saw them in Ann Arbor, shivering their way through each crime scene and a police station with abysmal heating.

His lymph nodes are swollen, and he’s running a moderate fever — 102 the last time he checked — and the cough he’s had for a couple of days is definitely getting nastier, but he uses the time to catch up on the documentaries he’s had stored on his DVR for the past couple of months. He tries to see it as a positive: he never gets time to rest like this. Warm soup, chamomile tea, and some Nyquil should be the end of it.

He makes the most of it. He gets better. He goes back to work, and life goes on.

“It’s not like you to get sick, Reid.”

Emily doesn’t mean anything by it, it’s about as innocuous as a comment can possibly be, but something about it makes his heart stop for a second. Because the thing is, she’s right. The last time he was actually sick was the anthrax poisoning three years ago, which can hardly be blamed on his body itself. He hasn’t been sick with a virus since he was a child — certainly not anything more than a mild winter cold.

His world turns upside down in the middle of a Tuesday, a couple of them gathered around Derek’s desk laughing about nothing in particular, the easy camaraderie of a close-knit team without a time-sensitive case on their minds.

Three and a half weeks ago: a night heady with alcohol in a gay bar in downtown DC, a charged encounter with a man just Spencer’s type, a whispered invitation back to his place, not making it past the bathroom…

He pales, suddenly feeling violently ill at the prospect of what’s happened, how badly he’s fucked up this time.

“Spencer, are you okay?” Emily asks, suddenly noticing his appearance. “You look really pale… maybe you’re not ready to be back at work yet.”

Forcing himself out of his stupor, he manages to open his mouth without vomiting. “I don’t feel so good,” he says, and even to him his voice sounds weak and distant. Blood roars in his ears, and all he can think is what that blood could very well be tainted with.

Far away voices discuss something he doesn’t pay attention to before Derek’s placing his hand on his shoulder, drawing him back into the discussion. “I’m gonna drive you home, okay?” Emily isn’t standing at the desk anymore, but he doesn’t think to look around for her, just locks eyes with Derek: noticing his brows knit deeply in concern, worry clouding his dark, striking eyes.

He lets himself be led down to the garage. Later, he won’t remember any of the winding car journey home, Derek’s worried sideways glances, his attempts at making conversation, tucking him into bed, his hesitancy to leave and go back to work. He’ll just remember the weight of his realisation, the sinking acknowledgement of what this means.

What it makes him.

⭐️

The next day, he wakes up ravenously hungry. He doesn’t remember anything after the dreaded realisation, but he remembers that he came to it only minutes after eating lunch: meaning he’s gone over eighteen hours without food. Somehow, he manages to pick himself out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. He finishes it all and doesn’t taste a single bite.

He texts the group chat Penelope had made for the whole team last year, ignoring the dozens of anxious messages from his team already filling his phone. Won’t be in.

Almost on auto-pilot, he gets dressed, picks up his phone, wallet, and keys, and walks to his nearest metro station. He counts four stops, gets out of the carriage and walks up the stairs onto the street, weaving through exactly three streets until he finds himself staring at the sign for his Urgent Care clinic.

Words — not ashes, as some small part of him anticipates — manage to spill from his lips as he tells the doctor everything from the unprotected sex he vaguely recalls having on the night of Saturday the 12th of March to his brief flu-like symptoms to his sickly realisation yesterday. Vaguely, he thinks there’s some sort of sick humour in being able to recall exactly what day he had sex, but not the details of the sex itself. Alcohol and dilaudid are the only things that have ever been able to interfere with his memory.

He obediently opens his mouth for a saliva swab, lets the nurse prick his finger and collect a drop of his blood. He wonders if she knows what they’re testing him for. He wonders if she thinks he’s as dirty as he feels, if she’ll violently scrub her hands after smiling politely at him, if she’ll roll her eyes when she talks to the other nurses, lamenting his stupidity.

The sounds of the waiting room melt into the background as he waits for the test to be conducted, and judging by the tone of the nurse who gets his attention when it’s time to return to the doctor’s office, it’s not her first attempt.

He mutters a distracted apology as he gets up from his seat, but she just smiles sympathetically. It shouldn’t get his back up in the way it does.

“I’m afraid you have tested positive for the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, Dr Reid,” she tells him, her voice gentle but straight-forward. He’s at least glad she doesn’t try and soften the blow. It’s not a blow that deserves to be softened. “I know this is a shock, but—”

“It’s not a shock.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s not a shock,” he repeats insistently; impatiently. “I knew it was coming. It’s my own fault.”

“Playing blame games isn’t going to help anybody here, Dr Reid,” she says firmly, meeting his eye. “Whether you were expecting it or not, this would knock anyone off-kilter, and I’d be remiss not to acknowledge that.”

She waits for his reluctant nod before continuing. “The good news is that we’ve caught it early enough to contain the infection. Your CD4 levels are very good, and you do not meet AIDS criteria. I’ve referred you to Dr Frederiks at George Washington University Hospital. He’s an expert in Infectious Disease and specialises in HIV/AIDS treatment. He can see you tomorrow at ten o’clock.”

He arrives back at his apartment almost $300 out of pocket, having gained nothing but a positive HIV diagnosis. The FBI has brilliant healthcare insurance but Spencer ticked the ‘no’ box on the insurance form. He can’t risk anybody knowing about this.

He texts Hotch and tells him he has a doctor’s appointment in the morning and will let him know whether he’ll make it in for the afternoon. Then he lays on the sofa, and cries.

⭐️

“HIV is a chronic illness,” the doctor explains at four minutes past ten the next morning, “a latent infection. Not a death sentence. Medications have come leaps and bounds in the last ten years, and the regimes aren’t anywhere near as rigorous as they used to be. With your CD4 levels this good, your life really won’t be much different than it was a few weeks ago.”

Spencer’s never had much interest in medicine — after all, there’s a reason he’s not that kind of doctor — but he knows this much. He doesn’t tell the doctor that he’s wasting his time explaining the basics of the disease, just stares blankly at the point in between his eyes, staring at the small crease in his skin, the way it moves as he speaks.

“It’s likely that you’ll die of something else, Dr Reid, decades in the future. When managed correctly, HIV is rarely deadly.”

This seems irrelevant: it doesn’t matter to Spencer what he dies of. Whether his immune system gives in or he’s shot in the line of duty or drops dead in the street from an aneurysm he doesn’t see coming, he’ll be dead.

He still doesn’t say anything.

“For the first six months of infection, the risk of transmission to sexual partners is high,” he continues, unfazed by Spencer’s lack of response. “Are you in a relationship?”

“No.” It’s the first word he’s spoken since he entered this office. His voice breaks. He can’t have the person he wants: this feels like the nail in the coffin of a relationship dead on arrival.

A look of sympathy crosses Dr Frederik’s face. “In any casual encounters you may engage in, you’ll need to be extra careful. Do you have the contact details of the person you contracted this from?”

His voice is steadier this time. “No.”

“Do you have any suspicion that you were deliberately infected by them?”

“No,” he answers, because he doesn’t, but it occurs to him that he’ll never actually know. He doesn’t remember if they used a condom; if he even wanted to use one. (All he remembers is his muscles and the way he pretended he was Derek, the amused look on the other man’s face when he whispered his name like a prayer.)

“That’s fine,” the doctor smiles encouragingly. It feels patronising. “We’re going to start with a triple combination of medications: tenofovir and emtricitabine combined with dolutegravir. HIV is an adaptable virus and easily becomes resistant, so it’s best to attack it hard and fast as early as possible to give you your best chances at an undetectable viral load in the next year. Which, I might add, Dr Reid, is a completely reasonable goal. At that stage, you will not be all that infectious. You’ll have bloods drawn before you leave to estimate your baseline kidney and liver function as well as overall health. In three months, you’ll have another test, and in six months, we’ll assess how well the drugs are working for you.”

Spencer nods, his eyes not leaving the crease between Dr Frederik’s eyebrows.

“Make those appointments with my secretary on your way out, and contact me if you have any concerns.” He pushes a brown paper envelope across the desk. “Inside you’ll find a copy of your positive test result, your prescriptions, and a number of leaflets on the condition as a whole.”

He squashes the urge to push the envelope back across the desk and nods again.

“Pick up the medication before the end of today and start them either tonight or in the morning,” he advises, before standing up from behind the desk and walking towards the door.

Spencer follows obediently, nodding once more and forcing a grimace onto his face, before walking down the hallway towards the secretary, another stranger he has to share his secret with. Swallowing down the urge to either scream or vomit, he fiddles with the envelope in his hands and bites the bullet.

⭐️

He tells Hotch that he won’t be in that day, and he goes home and forces himself to get it together. He showers first, the hot water washing the grime of the last few days down the drain, but he can’t do anything about the lingering layer of shame clinging to his skin. For the first time since the realisation, he forces himself to look in the mirror. A thin, pallid man with bags under his eyes and the look of someone harbouring a secret looks back at him.

His hair has grown out a little in the last few months, actual curls visible around his face (memories flash across his mind of breathy gasps; a hand buried in his hair, pulling ever-so-gently but they’re gone before they’re even remotely tangible), and he lost a little bit of weight he couldn’t afford to lose during his symptomatic period.

But, as frustrating as it is, it’s not what he sees. Not really. He sees Spencer Reid, possessor of five degrees, soon to become six, expert analyst in the FBI, the man who listens to jazz when he studies and watches documentaries for fun and solves crossword puzzles on the metro.

Something inside him shifts as he’s reminded of his humanity in that moment. It’s the most okay he’s felt in the last forty-eight hours.

He’ll take it.

He goes back to work the next day with little fanfare, getting warm smiles and ‘glad you’re feeling better’s from the team before they’re plunged headfirst into a new case, as it so often goes. They fly to Vermont, and part of him is glad for the distraction: no more talking about his illness, no more self-pity — he’s forced to try and bridge the gap between Dr Spencer Reid, Before and Dr Spencer Reid, HIV Positive as quickly and seamlessly as possible.

He does what he’s good at: offers relevant, detailed facts, profiles the victims and the unsub, cites studies that help them get to the bottom of the case, and for a moment he allows himself to forget about the virus coursing through his blood and the feeling of shame he can’t quite shake no matter how clean he scrubs his skin.

They get to the hotel late that evening and Spencer takes his second dose of medication, individually popping each tablet from it’s sheet into his hand. The pharmacist he spoke to yesterday told him that from his next medication order they can put all three tablets into a blister packet for him, but for now he’s stuck punching through three different plastic packets every night. Derek asks him to join them at the bar for a drink, but Spencer turns him down. He’s barely been able to look him in the eye.

If, in some rare and far flung universe, Derek did want to date Spencer, he wouldn’t want to date HIV positive, ex-addict, reckless and unsafe Spencer.

He wouldn’t want to date a man so heartbroken and lovesick that he got black-out drunk and slept with someone — most likely without a condom — just because he bared a passing resemblance to Derek. Contracting the Human Immunodeficiency Virus in the process.

No.

Spencer spends the evening staring into the mirror instead, desperately trying to find the man he was four days ago under the burden of broken suffering he seems to have picked up along with the diagnosis, the positive test, the sympathetic doctors.

When he hears the others come up past midnight and pile into their hotel rooms, laughing and chattering among themselves, Spencer still hasn’t looked away.

The use of the case as a distraction only works until 11am the next day. He’d had trouble falling asleep, and he’s powering through the day fuelled by black coffee and raw determination alone, but those motivators — as effective as they can be — can’t stop his legs from shaking as he stares at the geo-profile, searching for what they’re missing.

It sucks, but he’s glad for the warning the shaking gives him. He finds a chair and sits down, which is likely the only thing that stops him from collapsing when black dots swim in his vision and he’s suddenly vomiting down his front.

“Reid!” Hotch cries, running from the other end of the police station to where he’s sitting, panic clear on his face. They’re the only two from their unit currently in the station, but Hotch quickly locates an officer and turns to him. “Call an ambulance.”

“No,” Spencer manages to protest, although it only makes him want to be sick again, “‘m fine, promise.”

“What’s going on? I thought the flu had passed? Healthy people don’t spontaneously vomit and almost pass out, Reid.”

Somehow, his addled brain manages to concoct a decent enough lie. “Keep thinking I’m better,” he mumbles, leaning forward to put his head between his legs as Hotch places a hand on his back, “and then I’m not.”

“You’re sure this is just the flu?” Hotch asks, concerned but at least appearing to believe him.

“Certain,” Spencer lies.

Hotch nods once before shaking his head at the officer on standby with a phone to call an ambulance. “Well, you can’t work the case like this,” he sighs. “We need to get you back to the hotel, okay? You can rest there. God, Reid, what did the doctor say?”

“Bad case of the flu. Gave me some strong Tamiflu and told me I’d be fine in a couple days.” He gasps the words out in between intense waves of nausea, clasping his hands together in an iron grip.

He absolutely can’t let Hotch catch on. In the nine years he’s worked at the FBI, he’s managed to conceal his sexuality below layers upon layers of closeting, and he’s not about to be forced out now. It started as a purely protectionist strategy — law enforcement in the early 2000s didn’t exactly have a stellar reputation when it came to tolerance — but then he just felt forced too deep, felt the web of lies spun too tightly around him to even begin to unpick them.

Terror seizes his heart at the idea of his team knowing who he really is: not because he expects homophobia or backlash, but because he’s not sure he’s ready to live that openly yet. He’s never been good with change, and this is no exception.

It doesn’t help that the whole team is all too aware of his past addiction. He dreads the thought of them thinking he’s using again and, worse, so irresponsibly that he managed to contract HIV.

Hotch gets a rookie officer to drive him back to the hotel, and she keeps sending him nervous glances, most likely worried he’ll stink up her immaculately kept squad car with his spontaneous vomiting. Both he and the car make the journey unscathed, although he knows he probably looks as green as he feels as he drags himself up the stairs — could there possibly be a worse time for an out of order elevator? — and somehow manages to make it to the bed before he collapses.

Unfortunately, his restful slumber doesn’t last long. He’s woken up not half an hour later with the intense need to be sick again, and he races to the toilet, where he spends the next two hours: intermittently slumped over it, being sick into it, and lying on the cold tiles next to it.

It feels like a punishment. If Spencer was a religious man he’d be certain God was smiting him for his sins, but instead he’s left instead pondering karma or fate or some other theory he doesn’t really buy into either. Logically, he knows it’s just a combination of guilt and regret — he made a mistake, he’s suffering the consequences; there’s no fate or religion or karma involved — but his delirious, out of sorts mind struggles to hold on to that.

Reason doesn’t make the nausea any less crippling, after all.

Eventually, he must manage to pass out on the bathroom floor, because he’s being shaken awake by a pair of gentle hands, and when he finally opens his eyes, it’s dark outside.

“Spence?”

Shit. Derek.

His eyes fly open and he fights to sit up, to make himself more presentable. The smell of vomit lingers in the air and he remembers that he didn’t even put the toilet seat down, let alone flush it. (At least he thought to change out of his vomit-covered shirt. Thank God for small mercies.) He blushes, and thinks he must look a pretty picture of red and green as he finally meets Derek’s eyes.

“God, Spence, how bad is this flu?” he asks worriedly, smoothing his hair with the palm of his hand. Despite himself, Spencer finds himself pressing back into the touch, relishing any contact he can get.

Then it hits him: he’s dirty. He can’t contaminate Derek like this.

“You should leave,” he asserts hurriedly as he pulls away, hating that desperation is so obvious in his voice. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve cleaned everything up, and I used gloves. I’ve been in contact with you the last couple of days, so if you were going to get me sick you would’ve already. I just want to be here for you.”

Spencer squeezes his eyes closed so tightly they hurt. He wants nothing more than to fold himself into Derek’s arms, let himself be comforted by the man he wants to spend the rest of his life with. But he can’t. There are so many reasons that he can’t.

“No,” he says, not opening his eyes, resenting the tear that slips out and spills down his cheek. “You can’t. I’m… I’m not safe to be around.”

He doesn’t really mean to say it, but it escapes anyway, and he opens his eyes just in time to see the confusion cross Derek’s face. “Not safe to…? Spencer, what—”

“I just… I need to be alone.”

“No, you don’t,” Derek says softly, bringing a hand to his hair again, and he knows that HIV isn’t transmitted through sweat or vomit but he’s dirty, and Derek is so so good, he can’t be responsible for tainting him. Derek doesn’t relent, though, not even when Spencer pulls away from his touch and shrinks in on himself, leaning against the toilet. “You need to allow yourself to be comforted. You need to let me help, Spencer.”

Suddenly, he feels incredibly tired: the energy seeping out of his body, and he’s boneless against the toilet, absent even of the effort to hold himself upright.

“Come on, let’s get you into bed.” He puts his arms around Spencer’s rolled up body and lifts him, holding him close to his chest as he carries him from the bathroom to the bed.

Spencer doesn’t just let him, he curls into his embrace, clinging to the material of his t-shirt like it’s his only grip on reality.

(Later, he’ll blame the fever, but deep down he knows that just once, he wanted to play pretend, and just once, he didn’t have the energy to stop himself.)

⭐️

The side effects take weeks to finally leave, his body having a hard time adjusting to not only a deadly virus in his bloodstream, but some of the strongest drugs on the market inhibiting his natural enzyme production. Eventually, though, he’s back at work properly, selling a story about a simultaneous gastro-intestinal virus making the flu exponentially worse.

He’s not really sure everyone believes him, but nobody questions it out loud, so he avoids everyone’s eyes and takes it as a win.

Nobody gets close enough to try, anyway. He pushes everyone away, holds them at arm's length no matter how much they kick and scream and claw their way closer to him. It surprises him how persistent Derek is, and for a moment he feels a sad flutter of hope in his stomach and he’s forced to stamp it down: Derek sees him as a brother, a friend, a colleague, not a potential romantic partner.

And it would be irrelevant, even if he did. Derek wouldn’t want him as any of those things if he knew what he was hiding. Ever since his lapse in judgement on the case in Vermont, he’s refused to spend any time alone with Derek, and he hates the hurt he sees in his eyes, hates that he can’t scream at him that this is for his own good. But he can’t know. Because Spencer is still ruled by his relentless selfish desires, and he can’t let Derek go, no matter how hard he tries to.

Kept at arm’s length at least means he’s still touching his shoulders.

He muddles through the next few months on his own, returning to his quiet apartment every night and eating a sad, lonely dinner on his sad, lonely sofa before punching his way through a blister pack, taking his tablets, and going to sleep. He turns down drinks invitations, declines phone calls, ignores text messages. He pretends he isn’t home when there are knocks at his door.

He takes showers that are too hot and cries on the metro, scrubs his fingernails and his face, and when he got a shallow knife wound on a case last month, wouldn’t let a single member of the team near him. Whispering his status, shame-faced, to the attending EMT.

This is it, he thinks one night, as he opens the microwave and takes out the mac-and-cheese ready meal he’d bought on the way home that night. He doesn’t even like mac-and-cheese. It was just the only thing left in the store at 8.30pm. This is my life now. Standing in my kitchen at 9.15pm, not being able to remember the last time I was actually happy.

(He does remember, really. It was Sunday the 13th of March, 9.37am: Derek had ruffled his hair and joked with him as they waited alone in the conference room to find out what was so urgent they were being called into work on the weekend for. Spencer could still feel the aftermath of his Saturday night tryst, and pretended for a brief few minutes that that encounter was with Derek, and those jokes were actually flirting. But then the case took over, then the flu symptoms, and then. Well.)

Before he can carry the mac-and-cheese into the living room, though, there’s a knock at the door. Everyone had mostly given up on turning up unannounced, so it catches him off-guard, and something in him, some vain flicker of hope, or maybe a masochistic desire to hurt even more, propels him forward until he’s opening it and coming face to face with Derek Morgan.

“Spencer,” he says urgently, and panic immediately grips Spencer as he wonders what could be so wrong that he’d need to show up out of the blue, but Derek must see it on his face. “Nothing’s happened, don’t worry, I just… I need to speak to you.”

A knot of something that Spencer can’t quite place tightens in his stomach as he stares at the myriad of emotions playing across Derek’s face, but he steps aside to let him in anyway. He closes the door behind them and feels a flash of embarrassment at the state of his apartment. It’s completely clean — his already rigorous attitude towards germ and cleanliness have only intensified in the last few months as paranoia plagued his mind relentlessly — but it’s barren of any joy, and it couldn’t be more obvious.

The furniture is drab and Spencer’s packed away all the photos and trinkets that used to litter the entire place because they just made him too sad to look at. The only life that remains is his books, and the sheet he’d hung to cover them up in a fit of rage a couple of weeks ago still hangs there limply. He hadn’t wanted to see his books: didn’t want the temptation of touching them and tainting them. What if he got a papercut on one of the pages and his virus-ridden blood spilled across the words he treasures so dearly?

He watches as Derek surveys the place with a sad expression on his face, before recollecting himself and turning back to Spencer.

“I know you’ve been pulling away from us, Spence,” he says, almost breathless as he takes a seat on the sofa. Spencer doesn’t know what to do with his body, so he settles on remaining where he is: stock still facing the couch, his hands buried deep in his trouser pockets. “We’ve watched you become a shell of who you used to be, and we’re all worried about you—”

“I don’t—”

“No, just let me speak. Everyone is worried, and I am too, but… I’m also… I’m hurt, Spencer. You’re pushing me away, turning me down every time I try to get close to you, and it’s painful because you’re my friend. You’re my best friend, and you mean the world to me.”

I wouldn’t if you knew my secret, he thinks miserably, but he doesn’t say anything.

“More than anything, though, it hurts… because I’m in love with you.”

Spencer stares. He’s hallucinating, he has to be.

“And I know — well, I don’t know because we’ve never talked about it — but I know you’re probably straight and even if you were interested in guys, too, who’s to say you’d be in love with me back? But I had to tell you because our relationship is heading south anyway, plummeting straight for the ground, and I figured it couldn’t hurt, I just… say something? Please?”

He doesn’t mean to say it.

“I’m HIV positive.”

It’s Derek’s turn to stare. Spencer can’t meet his eyes, and suddenly feeling like he needs to Get Out, he rushes to the kitchen and picks up his rapidly cooling mac-and-cheese. He gets a fork out and faces the countertop, away from Derek, as he starts to shovel unsatisfying bites into his not-hungry stomach.

It can’t even be a full minute later that he hears footsteps behind him. “You have AIDS?”

He sets the mac-and-cheese back on the counter. “No,” he answers, not turning around. “I tested positive for HIV; I don’t meet AIDS criteria. My CD4 levels are apparently very good, and the medication I’m taking is proving effective in controlling and managing the virus. I don’t have side effects anymore, and I don’t feel any different than I did before I contracted it.”

There’s a beat of silence. “And this is why you’ve been pulling away from us?”

Spencer hesitates before nodding shamefully, his eyes burning a hole in his dinner. “I didn’t know how to tell anyone, and I—” He’s cut off by a heaving sob. It catches him by surprise, but suddenly he’s choking on emotion: everything he’s been through, everything he’s been dealing with alone for so long a burden he no longer knows how to carry.

“Oh, baby,” Derek breathes, rushing forward and turning Spencer until his face is pressed into his neck and their arms are wrapped around one another. The nickname only furthers his emotion, falling apart completely in such a way that makes him unsure he’ll ever be put back together again. “I’m so sorry.”

He lets Spencer cry it out until his sobs recede and his tears slow, and he feels confident enough to pull away and meet Derek’s eye properly again. It feels like a reconnection; a reconciliation of sorts, and his breath catches at the emotion on his face. He’d expected a meddle of sympathy and disgust, but all he finds is compassion and love, tinged by a sadness Spencer supposes probably comes from watching the man you’ve just professed to love fall apart like that.

Oh wait. Derek just told him—

“You love me?” His voice comes out quieter and shyer than he’d hoped, and not nearly as incredulous as he’d intended, but Derek softens anyway.

“Yes,” he says emphatically. “So much. And if you think you telling me this is going to change how I feel even a bit, then you’re dead wrong, Spencer.”

It’s suddenly too much to think that everything he’d feared happening for the last few months was wrong, and he’s gasping for breath again, sinking to the ground to bury his face in his hands.

“Spence?” Derek asks worriedly, following him to the floor. “Oh, God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“No… please, you’ve done nothing wrong.” He takes a deep breath, trying to recenter himself, ground himself in the reality that’s unfolding before him, no matter how different it might look than that of his anticipation. “You know, the man. Um, the man I… contracted this from. I slept with him because he looked like you.”

He looks up and meets Derek’s eyes again, searching for anything in them to confirm that he was thinking all the thoughts Spencer feared and coming up empty. “I was so heartsick that I got blind-drunk and slept with a complete stranger because it was the closest to you I ever thought I’d get and then I was just so scared of what everyone would say when I found out. I know logically that HIV doesn’t make someone dangerous or unclean, but I just couldn’t shake this feeling of shame, you know? I was constantly panicked that I’d pass it to one of you. Besides, I’m not even out to the team, and I know the implications of a disease like this: gay or an IV drugs user — I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I was both. I’m clean, and I’ve stayed clean, I just…”

“Hey, I get it,” Derek says gently, reaching out a hand and cupping Spencer’s cheek gently. “I think if I was in the same boat I probably would’ve reacted in exactly the same way. You can’t be blamed for bowing to a social stigma this heavy, Spence. I’m just sorry I didn’t realise what was going on sooner. And even sorrier, for that matter, that I didn’t tell you I was in love with you before this even had a chance to happen.”

Spencer smiles a little at that. “Hey, I didn’t tell you either. I don’t blame you at all. Neither of us were out and confessing something like that is no small feat.”

“I suppose so.”

Spencer shifts a little in his position on the floor, the raging storm of emotion that he’s been drowning under for the past four and a half months quieting for the very first time. He breathes deeply for a few seconds before working up the courage to ask the question he really wants the answer to. “I know you said that this doesn’t change the way you feel—”

“And it doesn’t.”

“Yeah,” Spencer nods, because suddenly he gets that. He isn’t sure what took so long. “But does it make you not want to be in a relationship with me?”

“Spencer, no.” Derek’s voice is urgent as he makes intense eye contact with him, raising a gentle finger to his chin. “It doesn’t change a single. thing. I don’t know much about HIV, I’ll admit, but I do know that these days you can get to a point where it doesn’t transmit to partners. And we can be really safe about it. I’ll do all the research to make you comfortable, but Spencer, even if it did mean that we could never have sex, I’d still want you. I want you so badly, pretty boy.”

He can hardly believe his ears. “Really?”

“Really.” He swipes his thumb across his cheek, catching a falling tear. “I’m hopelessly, desperately in love with you, Spencer. I have been for years. You can ask, Penelope: she’s been putting up with my pining like a saint, but I’m not sure she could’ve taken it much longer.”

“I’ve been in love with you for years, too.” Another tear falls as the prospect of what’s about to happen really sinks in.

“Can I?” Derek murmurs, as he inches closer ever so slowly.

“Please,” Spencer whispers, barely finishing the word before their lips are colliding and a flurry of butterflies break out in his stomach as his chest glows with the warmth of a kiss he’s long been aching for. Derek’s hands find his waist, his jaw, his cheek, his hair, exploring his body ever so softly as he kisses him with the same inquisitive gentleness, managing to take him apart with just his lips and his hands.

“God,” he whispers as he finally pulls away, pressing his forehead to Spencer’s as he struggles to hide his wide grin. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve dreamed of that. I’m gonna be like a teenage girl tonight, running my fingers across my lips as I remember every minute of it.”

Spencer giggles at that. “Well you can rest easy in the knowledge that I’ll be doing the same.” He pulls away slightly and looks down for a second before looking back up into Derek’s earnest gaze. “I’ve never been kissed like that before.”

“I’ll kiss you like that every day for as long as you’ll have me.” He doesn’t hesitate to lean back in, connecting their lips again as they melt into one another’s touches, and it makes Spencer laugh later that the most intimate and passionate encounter of his life so far happened on the kitchen floor.

They pull apart as soon as it heats up a little bit, and pain flashes across both of their expressions at the thought of why.

“There’s this thing called PrEP,” Spencer says, still a little ashamed of his situation, that Derek has to be protected against him before they can take this any further. “It’s medication that you take before and after sex with a HIV positive person that blocks the virus from entering your bloodstream if you were to somehow contract it. And we can wear condoms. And once I reach an undetectable viral load, it means the virus is untransmittable, and you won’t contract it even if we’re unprotected.”

Derek blinks. “Wow, that’s… that’s better than I thought.”

“Really? You’re still okay with all this?”

He softens. “Pretty boy, I am so okay with all this, and I’m sorry that you spent so long thinking otherwise. We have time to figure all this out, but what matters is that right now, I have you next to me, and we love each other. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” He smiles, and leans forward to kiss Derek chastely. “I do.”

“Now, how about we bin that disgusting mac-and-cheese and order some Chinese?” he suggests, matching Spencer’s smile. “We could eat it in bed and watch one of those documentaries you’re always talking about.”

Spencer laughs fondly. “You want our first date to be eating takeaway and watching a science documentary in bed?”

“Well it sounds perfect to me.”

“Yeah, it sounds pretty perfect to me, too,” Spencer whispers, the happiness in his chest feeling warm and inviting, begging him to bask in the moment for as long as he can.

They’ll work out the specifics later — they’ll get Derek started on PrEP and attend Spencer’s appointments to measure his viral load, they’ll have important and serious conversations about the risks to both of them, they’ll work out what their relationship means for work, how they’ll begin to repair the damage the last few months have done to Spencer’s mental health — but right now, none of that matters.

All that does is: the buffet of Chinese food Derek lays out on a blanket on Spencer’s bed, the documentary about bees playing on the TV, and the thrilled little glances thrown each other’s way, the stolen kisses and casual touches, the love palpable in the air around them. And later, when the food is eaten, and the documentary is playing the credits: Spencer’s tired head resting on Derek’s loving chest, and the syncing of their heartbeats as they fall asleep to the sound of each other.

This shouldn't have to be said but please do not use fanfiction as sex education and PLEASE practice safe sex. As far as I know, all the information included in this fic is correct, but I have no personal experience with HIV/AIDS, and this is very much written from an outsider's perspective - albeit a thoroughly researched one.

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @jellejareau @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @im-autistic-not-stupid (taglist form)

[frogl3gs]

tw: eating disorder mention, diet talk, cancer mention.

My dad fell out of a tree while he was trimming it a few years ago and landed right on his back. Ever since then, he hasn’t been able to pick up heavy objects without throwing out his back.

My mom keeps telling him to lose weight and it will solve everything 😒. My dad is strong, healthy and physically active. He’s recently gained a lil tummy because he cut nicotine (dipping) completely and when he gets cravings, he eats instead. Like who cares if you’re carrying a little extra adipose if your vital signs are perfectly fine?????

She has her own issues with food and appearance etc. She’s gone keto for no reason even though she has Graves’ disease. Research says the best diet for that is just quality meat and veggies!! But since she has thyroid issues, she can’t lose weight as easily which she’s admitted to having been diagnosed with an ed in the past. Ugh I just wish they’d both go to therapy.

Anyway, the last time I was at their house which was a few weeks ago- I had to drive three hours to help remove a tree that fell on their greenhouse because my dads back was hurting and he couldn’t do it. I didn’t go inside because of the aforementioned auto immune disease my mom has. But like my dad was outside giving me directions and he was laying in the grass with his dogs. And then I watched him struggle to stand up because of his back. It reminded me of my papa.

My grandpa, toward the end of his life, loved being on the floor playing board and card games with us. But it started to get to where he would have to crawl over to a chair to help him self stand up. And then it eventually got to where he had to have a recliner that had the ability to lift him in a standing position. And my dad is 15 years younger than my papa was at that time and it freaked me out.

So I called him today and I basically guilted him into promising me he’d call a physical therapist to get some exercises to rehab his back and he said he would. At first he said he knows how to make his back stronger and I asked if he knows then why hasn’t he done it? He just kind of chuckled and said I was right. I told him that I’d be calling him next Sunday to see if he did. I just had to put this somewhere.

[theghostinthemoon]

TW open discussion about body image, the dance world and auto immune diseases.

I have an autoimmune disease which has been making me thinner for the past three years. I weight considerably less now than I did before. I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I got worried because I’ve been noticing that it’s getting worse again. I feel weaker and even my muscle strength has diminished. Which sucks, because I’m a dancer and I need muscle strength.

My mom looks at me and also gets worried, she says maybe I should go to the doctor and do some blood tests. But do you wanna know what she does next? She says she should get thinner because she’s fat (which she isn’t even), while looking at me, and then goes to the living room and starts exercising. At mid fucking night.

I have this classmate in ballet class. She’s also already thin enough. But she barely eats and she barely sleeps and says one of her dance teachers told her she needs to lose even more weight. The other day she started feeling horribly dizzy in class. I wonder why.

I also wonder why people think they wanna look like me. I’m sick. That’s why I look the way I do. I’m sick and I can barely do what I love the most because I run out of energy in a heartbeat. It hurts that society said that this is healthy. That this is good. It isn’t. I’m worried. I’m worried for myself and my body and my future. And I wished people stopped thinking they need to look a certain way to be beautiful. And I wished the dance world stopped causing people eating disorders.

How could my mom be worried about me and yet still think my body should be her goal? I don’t like that I make people feel bad about their bodies when my body isn’t even healthy.

I’m worried. And I’m angry. And I’m sad.

[sportsintersections]

12 Exciting and Moving Sports Books with Disability, Chronic Illness, & Neurodiversity Representation

These sports books, from memoirs to romances, all contain some sort of disability, chronic illness, and/or neurodiversity representation. There are definitely some limitations and gaps in this list – YA fiction books tend to focus on romance when it comes to teens with chronic illness, and there are definitely more books out there about teens who have recently acquired physical disabilities and/or are using mobility aids only temporarily. That said, every year there is more representation out there! And please let me know if there’s anything great that I’m missing.

All books are YA fiction unless otherwise noted.

The Running Dream, by Wendelin Van Draanen

When Jessica loses a leg in a car accident, she thinks her life is over, and she’s certain she’ll never run again. As she deals with crutches and a new prosthetic, she comes to see her past judgment of a classmate with cerebral palsy in a new light; especially when that classmate is now tutoring her to help catch up on the schoolwork she missed. Jessica’s emotional journey as she deals with a huge change in her physical abilities and navigating a world that isn’t designed for people with disabilities, the trauma of the accident, and her resulting survivor’s guilt are realistic and moving.

Rules for 50/50 Chances, by Kate McGovern

Seventeen-year-old Rose Levenson is faced with an impossible decision: does she want to know how she’s going to die? When she turns 18, she can take the test that will tell her if she carries the genetic mutation for Huntington’s disease, the degenerative condition that she has watched destroy her mother’s body from the inside out. If she knows the future, will she still want to pursue her passions, like going to ballet school, or falling in love? But then she meets a boy who has been dealt a similar genetic lottery. Is it worth hoping for the future, if it could include him?

The Year We Fell Down, by Sarina Bowen (new adult)

Corey Callahan was expecting to start her freshman year in college as a varsity hockey player, but instead she arrives in a wheelchair, after an accident on the ice leaves her partly paralyzed from the waist down. She has to live in a special accessible room away from all the other freshmen, but she gets to know the hockey player across the hall, who is extremely hot…but also has a girlfriend. Should she just forget him? Would he even like her anyway, when she feels broken? (Note: although there isn’t much hockey actually played in this book, it forms an integral part of both protagonists’ identities). TW for the use of ableist slurs (by characters with disabilities).

How We Roll, by Natasha Friend

Quinn loves her family, friends, skateboarding, and basketball, but when she’s diagnosed with the auto-immune disorder alopecia and loses all her hair, her friends suddenly disappear. Then she meets Nick, a former football player who is now in a wheelchair after a freak accident. Together, they figure out how to regain confidence and self-esteem, even though their lives look different than they expected, and maybe find love along the way. Note: Quinn also has a brother with autism.

Just Don’t Fall, by Josh Sundquist (memoir)

Josh was only nine years old when he was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma, the cancer that would lead to the loss of his left leg. This story is just as much about his coming-of-age in a small Southern town as it is about his passion for skiing. But the exciting, moving, and often funny story takes the reader along on the bumpy road to the Paralympics in Turin.

Pinned, by Sharon Flake

At first glance, Autumn and Adonis seem to have nothing in common: Autumn is popular and outgoing, whereas Adonis keeps to himself. Autumn is a star wrestler, but she has a learning disability that makes reading a struggle; Adonis is in a wheelchair, but he’s a strong reader who loves books. Told in alternating points-of-view with two very distinct voices, this book is a testament to unlikely friendships, identity, and difference. It’s especially rare to see characters of color who have physical and/or intellectual disabilities in YA. TW: some non- or dubious- consensual kissing/romantic advances.

The Beginning of Everything, by Robyn Schneider

Ezra was the varsity tennis captain with a whole blessed life ahead of him, but then he shattered his leg in a car accident. This book has funny, witty dialogue and romance reminiscent of John Green, but also has more serious and moving moments. Ezra is unlikable, especially at first, when he’s very spoiled and kind of a jerk, but he becomes a sympathetic and relatable protagonist by the end. TW: animal death.

Pop, by Gordon Korman

After his parents split up, Marcus moves to a new town where he doesn’t know anyone, and strikes up a friendship with an older man named Charlie, who turns out to be the infamous football star Charlie Popovich, “the King of Pop.” But what damage exactly can all the “pops” in football cause? Full of pranks and suspense, this is a funny sports story with a goofy older character that makes the serious issues it deals with (dementia caused by repeated head injury) more accessible and approachable. It’s also full of entertaining football scenes.

A Matter of Heart, by Amy Dominy

Sixteen-year-old Abby Lipman seems destined for great things – a state swimming championship, and maybe even the Olympics. But then she faints at a swim meet and gets a sobering diagnosis of HCM, a heart condition that has led to the sudden death of young athletes. How is she going to figure out who she is and what this means for her life, without the one thing she’s always known? TW: suicidal ideation.

My Shot: Balancing It All and Standing Tall, by Elena Dell Doyne (adult memoir)

Elena Delle Donne, 2015 WNBA MVP and Olympic medalist, shares her story of passion, hard work, loyalty, and family. She was a basketball prodigy who gave up a scholarship and chance to play for the legendary Geno Aurriema at UConn to stay close to her sister Lizzie, who has multiple disabilities, including cerebral palsy. Elena talks about the emotional and psychological challenges of competing at the highest level of a sport, as well as the long-term health challenges she has from recurrent Lyme disease, in this inspiring and interesting memoir.

Hit Count, by Chris Lynch

How do we reconcile Americans’ love of football with our knowledge of its long-term effects? That’s the question that Chris Lynch asks in this engaging story of a teen football star who loves being in the center of the action, even (especially) if it means getting hit and hitting back even harder. Everything is fine -- even though he might have a little pounding in his head, a little dizziness, a little confusion from the chronic head trauma, it’s worth it for the exhilaration of the tackle! But eventually the people he loves him tell him he has to stop. What will he choose? TW: the descriptions of violence and injuries can be quite graphic.

Kicking Up Dirt: A True Story of Determination, Deafness, and Daring, by Ashley Fiolek (adult memoir)

Ashley Fiolek, a deaf motorcross champion at only 19, tells of her rise to the top of a male-dominated sport in her memoir. Although many of the blurbs for the book talk about Fiolek “overcoming” her disability, the actual book is frank and straightforward about her experiences, how it’s felt to accomplish all that she has, and her frustrations about the inequality faced by women in motorcross.

[All cover images belong to the publishers].

For more YA books with portrayals of disability (not necessarily about sports), check out Disability in Kidlit (although it hasn’t been updated in a couple of years). Also, find a list of “7 Documentaries by Deaf and Disabled People” (a list inspired by Netflix’s generally well-liked new documentary “Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution”), here.

[torque-witch]

So here's a little fun fact for y'all in case you care or just need something to read. TW food mention and long post So I have mentioned before that I have either Crohn's disease or some IBD - and over a year ago now I had my gall bladder removed because it died in the process of me trying to figure out what was wrong. So even though I can eat regularly now, my diet still needs to be rotated constantly. The thing I've learned about my condition is that the same food will not be good for me tomorrow, and often this goes in cycles. 6 months ago I was living off rice and tofu because pasta and bread products hurt. Right now pasta is dandy and rice is the devil. An example - I have a big expense coming up on Saturday and I need to not spend money. So I have rice, pasta, eggs, cheese and bread. Terrible diet, right? But more often than not vegetables hurt for days and really screw me up. Liquid diets are BAD™ ideas. So I have made grilled cheese every night for dinner the last three days. Day one? Great! Day two? Eh kinda felt in pain after dinner. Day 3? I'm just sitting here in less than tolerable pain and nauseous and having short dizzy spells. And no. It is not an issue with the food itself. With auto-immune diseases, the body thinks something good is bad and attacks it. In IBD situations, the intestines become inflamed and often destroy themselves over time. They tell you to eat a specific way to heal the body, but the body ultimately doesn't care. It's the same with food. It doesn't care what you eat. It's all bad because your entire digestive system is attacking itself. Some things are just less bad than others and will affect you later on down the road instead of right away. So what I'm saying is it's very expensive to try and normalize an eating routine with a digestive disorder. You get used to one thing being a safe food and then it stops being safe and you have to buy shit you think will work but ultimately will have to throw away if it won't last. You can't eat the same thing over and over. If you buy greens or veggies you'll probably end up throwing them away because you won't be able to eat them the entire week. You could have literal fried foods for a month and be fine and then one day BAM this triggers death immediately and you can't finish your food. You are constantly not finishing meals or eating as much as you used to. You lost 30 lbs. (literally!!!) And people will say you look like a walking nightmare and then when you have a good month because you can eat suddenly no one cares about your health anymore because they think you're healed. No. Just. No. The amount of money I waste on food is so horrific because I never know what's going to work. I don't have roommates to eat it for me. I can't keep a food journal it's pointless. I'm better, yes. But I am not healed and I never will be. I always have to keep in mind that it could get worse at any moment. I hate food but I miss loving it.

[waywardvictorianconfessions]

Oh great, now she's whining about having an auto immune disorder immediately after people are calling her out. She's only doing this to make people feel bad for her and to stop calling her out on her blatant lies, so don't be stupid and fall for it, guys. Even if it is true (which I doubt, knowing her), it's a terrible thing to do that only increases stigma against disabled people. Stop playing the victim, Emilie. Whatever happened to fighting like a girl and rising above all the bullshit? It's giving munchie vibes. It's clear she has anorexia. Considering her own statements back in the day (she herself said she starved herself for three days "to look good" for the FLAG photoshoot) and her constant body checking behaviors, viciously attacking the fat nurses in the book that believe she had it because she was underweight and refusing to eat, etc… Need I go on? This is the same woman that told us during the Opheliac era to not make excuses for her just because she's sick.

[mixedlollybag]

Yesterday's food (tw)

A friend had slept over and we were spending the day together, going to the beach and picnicking (despite bad weather). I didn't eat any junk food or much sugar but I'm feeling really achy and a bloaty stomach. The only real difference was that I had porridge for breakfast, half a gf pizza base (with toppings) for lunch, and corn chips as snacks. Like that's carbs at each meal where I normally have none. I'm thinking, thanks to my immune system, I can't even have cheat days for carbs otherwise by body will tell me off. Does anyone with immune/ auto-immune disorders find their diet impacts them?