#tw description of dysphoria

[uncanny-tranny]

I know it was a while ago but you posted tips for trans ppl and one of them was "Your body doesn't need to look like a Hollywood star's body. They are most certainly dehydrated, and they are not a realistic depiction of a masculine or male form"--and I find it so helpful! Before my medical transition I only struggled with intense dysphoria related to certain parts of my body, but now my dysphoria has shifted towards "if I don't look like Jason Momoa I'm a woman" and it's eating me alive (1)

I just want to say that I'm glad you shared this, and I'm honoured to know that you read that post.

It's such a struggle to transition and to still have complex feelings about your body. I don't want to put words into your mouth, but I definitely feel this sense of guilt that I still have body image issues. It's helped to acknowledge those feelings and to try not to moralize them. What I mean is to feel those feelings and think those thoughts without trying to tack on the idea that because you feel that way, you're "bad." But, I truly digress, and these conversations are so important and near to me.

I hope you're well. Being able to identify your desires and what fuels them can be a good first step, and I just hope you remember how important and beloved you are no matter what size.

[bonmotx]

record 5: The milk calcified the useless lump in her heart.

Something has broken. It’s a loud noise. The world is a blur in her head. It’s all so loud. It’s all so quiet.

Something has broken. It’s a loud noise. Someone is crying. There’s a lukewarm sugar in her brain. 

Something has broken. The world is splintered around her.

Something has broken. Someone is crying.

“My child… my child…”

A dog is barking.

“My wife… she doesn’t remember…”

All the evil things in the world speak. All the dismissed things in the world speak at once, yet she can hear every voice as clear as glass.

Her fingers ache.

Someone too depressed to go to work wails. The prostitute wails. The soldier on the wrong side wails. A child born blind wails.  Every misfortunate soul screams and cries out into the world, Their screaming is thundering, but their surrender is deafening.

Ah. Is that the point?

All these people. These beings. Lost in an empty space. It almost tastes like milk-

Oh. That’s what happened.

She fell.

There was a scream. There was not enough time to respond. The Master is the clearest threat to the one who seeks to keep his position as the final god of this world.

A single lunge. A single swipe.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra stood on the Shadow Border.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra fell off of the Shadow Border.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra reached out her hand.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra locked eyes with her murderer.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra and The Final God’s gaze met.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra reached out her hand.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra plunged into the milk sea.

Everything in the milk sea at the origin of the universe was colorless and inscrutable. The people sang, uncountable. Their songs were filled with grief and rage and yet, their nonexistent emotions were buried away, because they weren’t important. This empty white space was where everything deemed not right for the world was placed. All at once, she was swallowed and embraced by that miserable nothingness.

Perhaps it was fitting that she fell here.

...everyone would be okay…

...so maybe…

She could just…

...close her eyes for a moment…

…and listen to the singing of the sea.

...no. 

...this sea isn’t singing.

It’s screaming, like a child taking its first breath.

The wails become a harmony. Something understandable. The lost flowers, the scattered arms of eaten gods. Every lost life exists here- yet that’s not right.

It wasn’t lost.

It was put here.

It was killed.

It was sacrificed so that a perfect world may exist. It was sacrificed for one person’s own ambitions. Everything here was murdered and put together into one being, and they all occupied this space combined together, individuality lost into the sea. 

That person put them here. Put everything here he didn’t want to look at. This place was made up of everything ungainly and unsightly, everything deemed defective. This sea of sacrifice, of suffering, where she now was placed.

It made her angry.

Who was he to choose? Who was that blue eyed god to choose? (Eyes were more grey, but they’re cold as ice.) Why does this blood that drips from her mouth feel so cold? (The ice killed her. It has taken root in her.) All this screaming has become a beautifully frigid noise, sliced through violin strings, a broken piano. 

(The funeral song of rage and grief played as the Master of Chaldea dies not from a dramatic action but because her suit failed and she froze to death.)

(A death devoid of purpose or meaning, not a murder or a suicide or anything with intent. Just an empty, sad accident.)

Who was he to choose? Who were they to choose?

Ah. The death of her parents, too, was a sacrifice, chosen by her, and her own mortality has become a sacrifice for her life to continue. Every life is just a grain of sand on the scales of a selfish being that wants to mold the word into their shape. Everything has been reduced to nothing but this, this idea of perfection that spat in the face of those who walked and talked and breathed and lived, lived, lived-

It’s all so obvious. 

(Something calcifies in her chest.)

All of this, all of this here, from the first god who reached a hand to a lost son, to the most very recent victims of the cycle, and everyone and everything in between, can all fall under the label of sacrifice.

And that… was something she could reach out to.

Sophia nearly laughed. 

She could grab it, and use it like she was used.

No human could survive this.

But it was fine.

Because she finally realized [                                                        ]-

The world outside continued for the seconds that passed. There was not enough time to respond with anything of value.

But those seconds resulted in something odd.

It was a cough, wet and choking.

The final god’s Arjuna stomach bulges out. Something swallowed up like any other sacrifice presses up to the surface and cuts its way out of him, falling to the ground in a duet with another sickeningly wet noise.

A piece of metal, ragged like a ripped piece of paper, not even a proper blade, a swan song in a solid form.

Something crawls from the milk. 

She could never know the reactions to this rebirth, but she knows that feathers drip from her body like puss, swollen under her skin and pushing through like something unnatural. Her tongue can feel something pushing from her gums before it pierces through, a sudden relief from the pressure that had been mounting. Her hands are twisting. Webbing and patches of fur make her fingers contort into new and fascinating shapes. Yet even as she cannot breathe, and her body erupts into a more violent change with each ragged cough, she grins at a pain she can finally, finally, control.

Sophia Vogel-Westenra tries to grab her chest as she hacks something up, something solid and squirming in her throat, blocking the air from her lungs, and she can’t breathe. It hangs from her mouth and the swirling blur of the lack of air makes her grab it and rip, and she can feel something wet drip from the corner of her mouth as she takes in a pure breath of oxygen and ozone and iron, and when she looks down-

Her own heart has fallen onto the ground, twitching and pulsing as it changes forms around the single, unchanging patch of flesh, where a rune is dug in like a brand. It is still because it is bone and calcified flesh, and without thinking, trembling hands reach out to it.

Every finger is different, and the sharpest two take the firm, boney thing in-between them.

They ask what it felt like. It was pain. It was clarity. It was the way the shards of shattered bone dug into her convulsing hands.

She screamed.

It felt wonderful.

[vivalabunbun]

On the complexities of relationships and words

Summary: For two people that love to read, words seem like a complex. 

Word Count: 13k (yeah... this is slow burn, might want to get a drink and snack)

Tags: Alhaitham x Fem!Reader, Slow Burn, Smut(r18+), NSFW, MDNI, Fluff, Angst kind heavy?, Modern AU, Omegaverse AU, A/B/O relationships, slow fic, marriage, arranged pairing, dubcon, themes about not liking yourself, TW: gender dysphoria (you don’t like your secondary gender), TW: Very vague and brief mentions to possible past domestic trauma, Jealous!alhaitham, slight yandere!alhaitham, mutual pining, miscommunication, breeding, biting, ruts, Alpha!alhaitham, Beta!reader. You agreed to the pairing due to tax benefits. A lot of references to literature. 

Authors note: This is my first attempt at slow burn and yeah... I got carried away. I want to explore how slow alhaitham would open up and how love can come from the mind instead of the heart. Enjoy.

Side Note: here is a little dabble 

Love, an emotion that sets the heart on fire. An all-consuming emotion that feels as if one was falling off a cliff while also being embraced tight by the treads of fate. The emotion that’s only separated by a thin line from madness. Or at least, that is how it’s been described to you through books and movies. 

With love being the inspiration for so many poets, artists, and heroes throughout all of history, it comes as no surprise that you found yourself curious about it. It started out innocently, you would listen to the latest romantic ballads from the wandering travelers along the streets of Sumeru. In the nation of wisdom, books were plentiful yet you found your teenage self buying certain novels from Inazuma. Then came the films from Fontaine which you’d spend a week’s worth of pocket money on. 

What first began from your childish curiosity became a hidden infatuation. You wanted to feel those emotions described in those songs, books, and movies. So you began your journey to seek it out. Your first relationship filled you with a certain rush, an excitement to finally experience a scene from those novels you loved… but you were only left with disappointment. 

Kisses felt bland, holding hands felt awkward after too long, and eye contact uncomfortable. There were no lingering thoughts that kept you up at night, no pink haze of pinning, nor a spark that set your chest ablaze. The breakup didn’t come as a surprise, and even so, it didn’t leave you with those gut-wrenching heartbroken sobs into the pillow as you’ve seen in the movies. Just disappointment. 

Perhaps it's because you were basing your expectations on relationships you can never experience. Those songs, those books, those movies? They were all about the bond felt between Alphas and Omegas. 

The maddening ruts and needy heat that left your cheeks flushed when you read about them. The touching gestures of scenting, the descriptions of the additive aroma of their beloved, their fated mate. The marking that proclaimed to the world their undying love. You’ll never experience that… since you’ve presented as a Beta. 

The worker ants of society, the largest class sandwiched between Alphas and Omegas, the extras in their movies. The category of society that can neither produce nor reciprocate pheromones, the population that lived in mediocrity in the eyes of romantics. 

Of course, love was possible for Betas, after all in a population that makes up the majority, there will always be the few that find ‘true love’. But that’s an advanced scholarly topic up for debate, with the societal consensus being that it’s the lowest tier of love. All pairings with Betas belonged in this tier. 

Alpha-Alpha, Omega-Omega, and at the very top of the tier list of ‘true love’ was the Alpha-Omega pairing. After all, love scientifically is created by chemical bonds in the brain with oxytocin, the love hormone. Pheromones kicked the production of oxytocin into overdrive, creating an addiction that makes a person long for their lovers every hour of the day. The chemicals that create the fire of romance you once wished upon shooting stars for. 

Thankfully with time, as you matured into an adult you resigned yourself to your fate. You found solstice in your one advantage as a Beta over any Alpha or Omega: True independence. Free from the chains that are primal desires brought on by pheromones, your head was clear, decisions not dependent on the fever that was love. 

You had given up on searching for love, hey, if you set the bar on the ground then there was less risk of being let down. So that’s why you agreed to your parents’ suggestion of an arranged pairing. To be matched to a life partner by a matchmaker.

--

“Eh? Isn’t that practice kinda outdated?” Dehya questioned. 

“Don’t the city folk use the akasha system, using genetics for compatibility or something?” Your Alpha friend carefully tucked away her compact mirror. 

“Actually, I think that’s really romantic! The traditional way matches you by personality and lifestyle compatibility.” Nilou grasped your hands, wishing you luck. 

“I agree, old fashioned doesn’t mean it's ineffective. It’s still very much practiced in Aaru Village.” Candace sent a slight side-eye to your other Alpha friend across the table. 

--

Perhaps your Alpha and Omega friends were trying to cheer you on, but frankly, they didn’t need to. The next day when you met with the older woman, you went through the process with a sense of boredom. When answering the matchmaker's question, you stated you just wanted a life partner that was honest, loyal, and respected your individuality. 

Next, the matchmaker asked about your interests, you recalled all the literature you used to consume during your obsession with love, and embarrassed by your fruitless past endeavors you answered books.  

“What kind of life do you seek, my dear?” Her wrinkly hands intertwined as she leaned on the table. 

“A peaceful, quiet life.” 

And that was it. She wrote down your responses with a bejeweled quill pen, handwriting beautiful and neat as if she were penning down a poem for you. You were free to go home. Walking down the streets of Sumeru, the dusk birds singing to their lovers, you didn’t even wonder about the Beta she was going to pair you with. You had a full day of work tomorrow, what you really wanted was a full night's rest. 

--

So a month later, you couldn’t hide the bewilderment on your face as you stood in front of a tall Alpha, the partner the matchmaker had deemed a good fit. From his piercing teal orange eyes to his sliver hair to his towering physique, everything about him was the picture-perfect definition of an Alpha. 

‘Alhaitham’ was his name, and you must admit it fit him quite well. His face remained unchanged even after his mesmerizing eyes passed over your form quickly. You couldn’t read the lack of expression on his face, was it disinterest? Indifference? Boredom? 

A part of you wanted to take your parents to the side and whisper in their ears that the matchmaker was a quack. Who in their right mind matches an Alpha with a Beta? Before you could do so, the matchmaker lead your parents out of the room, giving the two of you some privacy to get acclimated. A heavy silence hung in the air as your bodies stood a respectable distance apart, deciding to break the silence you first stated the obvious. 

“I’m not an Omega.” 

“I’m aware.” His deep voice sent a small shiver down your spine. Even his voice was beautiful. 

“I don’t have any pheromone, meaning I can’t bond.” You glanced up at him. 

“I never listed it as a requirement.” 

His answers only seemed to confuse you further, perhaps he didn’t think this through all the way. Sure, the matchmaker revealed that both of you wanted peaceful lives, liked books, and believed firmly in one’s individuality. But there was a massive sumpter beast in the room as the saying goes. 

“Aren’t you worried about… that time of the year…”  

For the first time, his eyes met yours, you quickly shifted your eyes away. 

“Are you referring to ruts? Medicine has advanced quite a bit, there are now inhibitors that can regulate pheromones and ruts. Not that you would know, of course.” He huffed out. 

You couldn’t stop your eyebrow from twitching in annoyance. Ah, he’s also got that Alpha ego. You were still confused, from the look on your face he quickly deduced it as well. 

“I dislike disruptions to my life. Primal desires are just disruptions. To put it bluntly, you as a Beta don’t release pheromones nor go into bouts of unsuppressed lust. Significantly reducing the risk of interrupting my time. You value individuality and are very independent, you’re very unlikely to bother me with trivial matters. All these factors add up to a peaceful, quiet life. Simple isn’t it?” 

When he laid out all the reasons so clearly on the table, it’s hard to not note the truth, Alhaitham is a weird Alpha. Perhaps that’s why his grandmother enlisted the help of a matchmaker in her will. 

After that day, you took home a folder full of documentation on him. Under the golden light of your desk lamp, you sorted through the information in front of you. He had no criminal record, he owns his own house close to the city, and he held a stable job with a very attractive salary. 

You ponder the decision for about a week, weighing the pros and cons. Marriages in Sumeru are often encouraged with sizable tax deductions, more money in your own pocket. Employees with spouses have an easier time requesting paid time off, more money in your pocket and less work. He lacked any familial attachments, meaning no in-laws to deal with. One extra point for being very easy on the eyes too. 

You ultimately signed your name on the marriage documents at the city hall, right next to his emulate penmanship. Right there under the fluorescent lights of the government office, the two of you recited your vows. The only other people in the room were your parents and the clerk filing the paperwork.

Within the next few months, you’ve carried the boxes filled with your belongings from your cramped apartment into his spacious house. Your old light novels and romantic collection of poems are now placed on a bookshelf adjacent to his. Bright and artistic covers contrasting against bland academic journals. Of course, there was no honeymoon, no break from your regular work schedules. There was no reason to. 

--

In the first year of your marriage, you viewed him with suspicious eyes. You valued loyalty in a life partner and even though he stated he dislike pheromones and primal urges, he was still an Alpha with such natural responses. Yet, you observed that he came home every day at 5:30 pm on the dot, not a single hair out of place nor a single crease on the collar of his button-downs. 

You found him to be a decent housemate, calm, quiet, and respectful of your space. Chores were divided equally between the two of you, making the shared living space organized and dust free. Of course, he was only human thus he also had some flaws. 

Sometimes your foot would knock against a stack of books he had left on the floor near the numerous bookshelves throughout the house. Or how you noticed your shampoo and conditioner bottles emptying at an alarming rate, does he not know how expensive haircare is? 

Alhaitham deemed you a good fit for a life partner. You weren’t disruptive nor dependent on him in any aspect. You spent your own money responsibly, a diligent person who followed a set work routine without needing any reminders. 

You would alternate responsibilities for dinner, but he found your food more flavorful. You threw together ingredients with no regard for measurements, only going off what felt right, compared to his style of calculating the precise amount a ‘pinch’ was. 

Of course, it’s expected that you’ve got some quirks that made him tsk internally. It was small insignificant things. Like how sometimes he would find strands of your hair left in the shower drain. Or how you often tuck his books back into the nearest shelf, not caring about if the genres matched or not. 

“I commend your artistry. However, a mural made from your hair on the shower wall is unnecessary.” 

“You’ve got shorter hair than me, how are you using double the product?”        

“It’s all due to your perception, I’m not using any more product than you.”

“Oh?~ Then I guess the hair on the wall is all just your perception too.”

When living with another person there will always be bumps that needed to be smoothed out. But overall, life was peaceful and quiet just how the two of you liked it. 

--

Alhaitham was Alhaitham, and you were you. Two independent individuals only connected by paper and law. Perhaps the only couple-like aspect of your relationship was sharing the same bed. Of course, this was done only out of necessity. 

The only other room in the house with a bed was the guest room, even so, there was still an imbalance. The mattress was much smaller and firm when compared to the grand bed in the master bedroom. 

He didn’t snore and neither did you, you didn’t toss and turn in your sleep and neither did he. With two separate blankets, he deemed that sharing a bed with you wouldn’t cause any disturbance to his sleep. You two had more than enough money to afford another bed, but just the thought of rearranging the furniture to accommodate it was too bothersome for the both of you. There was more than enough room on the bed for two bodies to sleep without ever touching. 

No loud passionate fights nor lingering glances and maddening touches. Just the calm lull of normalcy. But you were satisfied. 

By your second year with him, you’ve gotten acquainted with the nuances in his manner of speech. In particular, his sarcastic quips that you’d return with vivacity. 

“Mmm, I appreciate the attempt. But I’d rather my books be sorted by subject rather than by instinct.” 

“There’s faster ways to collect my life insurance than by getting me to trip over a book, Haitham.” 

During this year, the two of you also began to use more familiar terms to address each other. Instead of your name, he’d simply call you wife, and you shortened his name. Husband and ‘Haitham’ had the same amount of letters anyways. 

When the date of your courthouse wedding came around, nothing happened. 

No flowers, no shiny gifts of jewels, not even a sweet dessert. After all, he found it silly to spend so much effort on a singular day instead of placing that enthusiasm into every regular day of life.

Birthdays shared the same sentiment, you’d be invited out by your group of friends to a celebration planned by Nilou, while Alhaitham would stay at home with his books. 

--

“Happy birthday.” You placed a cup of freshly brewed coffee down in front of him. 

“Thank you.” Besides your statement, there was nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Hopefully I’m one year closer to collecting your pension.” 

  Alhaitham has to admit he does enjoy your sardonic humor, but you’d never be able to tell just by looking at him. He took a sip of his coffee, by year two you finally learned how not to scald the coffee grounds when doing a pour-over.

Life continued on, and the two of you were still like parallel lines traveling in the same direction side by side and separately. 

It’s now the third year of your marriage. You were currently busy in the kitchen, Alhaitham had just informed you earlier there’d be guests coming over tonight. Fortunately, it’s a Friday which meant you had a half day at work. Quickly purchasing ingredients from street vendors on your way back. 

He never had any guests over before, so you assumed that these guests must be important people from work. 

You even made sure not to use spices that were too fragrant, just in case any of the guests were extremely sensitive to smells, as Alhaitham had informed you they were all Alphas. Tachin was a rather simple but delicious dish to make. You also picked fresh ingredients that would make a very quick and satisfying salad. 

Your husband didn’t particularly like soup, but he doesn’t have the right to be picky when you’re the one rushing to cook enough food for five people, so minty bean soup will be on the table. He had a collection of wines in a separate room, you’ll leave the wine selection up to him. 

Just as you finished setting the plates and dishes on the table the chime of the doorbell went off. Wiping off your hands and taking off your apron, doing a quick once-over in the hallway mirror before answering the door. 

“O-oh… You’re a… Beta…” 

The blond Alpha in front of you had a look of bewilderment across his handsome features. Rudy eyes peering down at you in astonishment as you maintained a polite face. 

“Oof-” 

An elbow was jabbed into the blond’s side as a shorter dark-haired man signaled for him to shut up. 

“Thank you for having us over for dinner.” His friendly face gave you a smile. 

“Welcome.” You invited all the men in. 

  The bewildered blond at the door’s name was Kaveh, the dark-haired man was Tighnari, and the white-haired man with the intense gaze was Cyno. 

You familiarized yourself with their names, and from time to time you felt their eyes passing glances over at you as they made small talk. Alhaitham was currently picking out a few bottles of wine. 

“So, you’re actually his wife… Ah! Of course, it’s no fault of yours. I’m just shocked he’s actually married, I thought he was bluffing when he said he had a wife. There were no signs… Ugh! Great, I owe drinks now.” Kaveh sighed, face in his hands. 

“Alhaitham doesn’t want others knowing too much about him. But the proof is right in front of our eyes.” Cyno leaned his elbows on the table. 

Ah, it makes sense that people at his work wouldn’t know about you. There weren’t even rings to distinguish the relationship. Usually, relationships nowadays were sensed through the presence of pheromones on the bodies of lovers. However, you were a Beta with no pheromones to cling onto his person. There’s not the slightest chance he ever talked about you. The two of you were also never seen in public together, so in the eyes of many Alhaitham is still a bachelor. There was a slight churn in your stomach, was the soup upsetting it?

“Gossiping about me while sitting in my house and right in front of my wife?” 

Alhaitham’s deep voice mysteriously made the knot in your stomach go away, or maybe it was the way he referred to you, ‘my wife’. He placed the bottles of wine and glasses on the table. 

“It’s nothing major. We’re just surprised someone is willing enough to stand your arrogance.” Kaveh crossed his arms. 

“Unwed people should not have any comments on other’s relationships.” 

“Hey! Why you-”

“Huh…” You pondered out loud. 

The attention of the men in the room was all on you now. 

“Oh, pardon my interruption. I guess I’m just in awe that my husband has friends.” 

In an instant laughter ripped through the air. 

“Bwahahaha! Alhaitham, I like your wife already! Ahahaha!” Kaveh was laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes. 

Tighnari had one hand gripping the table and the other covering his mouth as he tried desperately to suppress his snickers, ultimately unsuccessfully.  

“Well, I’m not sure if friends is the ‘correct’ term.” Cyno’s voice was steady, but you could see the small shakes of his shoulders. 

“I’m beginning to wonder if inviting guests to the house was the right decision.” 

--

Still, the dinner continued and the drinks started to pour. After your statement from earlier, the atmosphere at the table became more lighthearted aided by the help of alcohol. 

“So, what’s the occasion?” You asked as you took a sip out of your glass. 

“Huh? Alhaitham! How did you not tell your wife about your promotion?” Kaveh nearly spat out his wine. 

 “There’s no reason to dampen her mood with bad tidings.” 

“Bad?!-” You wondered if the blond’s voice could shatter the glass in your hands. 

“Keeping your cards close to your chest, even from your wife.” Cyno side-eyed your husband. 

“Not at all. Not that the unwed head lawyer would need to know.” 

“Tsk.” The tan Alpha crossed his arms. 

“Now, now just because he didn’t tell his wife doesn’t mean Alhaitham’s a bad husband.” Tighnari tried to dispel the tension while also landing a subtle jab. 

“Mmm, congratulations, Haitham.” You swirled your wine. 

“Thank you.” Your husband replied. 

The three Alphas looked at each other, eyes sending silent messages. They must find your marriage to the ashen-hair Alpha strange. Alpha-Beta pairings were already against convention, but it seems like the two of you matched each other's pace. Two weird people found each other. 

--

After dinner was finished and you bid goodbye to the guests at the front door. 

“Be grateful you stone-faced brat… Your wife’s got... too good to be stuck with your stale…” 

The two shorter men carrying the blabbering blond off your front steps. 

“He’s quite the lightweight.” You briefly mentioned while over the sink.

 “I’m just grateful there’s still wine left. Go rest, I’ll get the dishes.” His larger frame takes up the space at the sink, silently encouraging you to move away. 

So you left clean-up duty to him, a fair trade for making you cook a feast so out of the blue. As you stood under the warm water pouring over your body in the shower, your mind began to replay the conversations over dinner. They made you realize just how little you actually knew about your own husband despite living under the same roof for three going on four years now. 

Once he stepped foot outside of your shared space he was practically a stranger. What was his job like? Who were his friends? What were his favorite places? Hell, even in your house, he was still a stranger. What books is he reading now? When does he find time to work out? What does he do when you leave the house? This realization made you shiver, as you turned the knob to increase the temperature of the water.

 It wouldn’t hurt to try and get to know him a little better. 

One Sunday morning, you walked into the living room greeted by the sight of him reading one of your old light novels. Seeing his large hand hold the bright book, decorated with a pair of lovers embracing, while his eyes studied the text like his academic papers was almost comical… If only you didn’t wish to sink through the floor in humiliation. He must’ve lost interest in his own books, or maybe he’d gone through his whole collection. 

Either way, to prevent such an occurrence from happening again, you began to pick up some books for your husband on your way home. 

‘Metaphysics’, ‘Epistemology’, ‘Quantum Mechanics’: those seemed like topics that’d interest him, you reasoned as you stood in line to purchase them. Your eyes caught sight of a certain book, ‘le rouge et le noir’, on a whim you decided to add it to the stack of heavy books. Not for your husband, but rather for yourself. 

That night you handed the books over to him as he was about to go to his favorite reading spot on the couch. 

“What’s this for?” He stared at the stack of thick books in your hands. 

“Just passed by a bookstore and figured you might need something new to read.” You gestured for him to take them. 

“You didn’t have to go out of your way to gift this to me. Thank you, I shall read them.” His low voice indifferent as always, finally taking the weight out of your hands. 

You proceeded to move over to the smaller sofa in the living room and plopped down. Pulling out the book you had purchased earlier, you glanced up at him eyes questioning why he was staring. Alhaitham cracked open one of the academic journals you gifted him and averted his teal gaze. 

This was a break from your normal routine, but you felt like it’d be a nice change to get back into reading. It also gives you the opportunity to learn more about Alhaitham by spending more time in his presence. But more importantly, it would allow you to keep an eye on your husband to ensure he doesn’t go snooping through your bookshelf again. Maybe you should just donate them, but no library in Sumeru would ever accept them.

Soon that break from routine became the norm. Every night after the kitchen table was cleared, dishes cleaned, and bodies freshly towel dried you and Alhaitham will sit adjacent to each other enjoying quiet reading time. The soft light from the tall floor lamps and soft flicks of turning pages adding to the ambiance of the room. 

From time to time, you can hear the sound of him writing some sentences down on a notepad. So he likes to take notes on the books he reads. You learned something new. 

Another new fact you gained from your observations of your husband was that he reads fast, really fast. He had already finished all three books before you were even halfway done with yours. You had to act fast lest his teal eyes begin to wander towards your bookshelf again. So, you found yourself back at the bookstore once more. Picking up any thick academic journals on topics ranging from ancient ruins to the newest peer-reviewed breakthroughs.

Maybe you should also pick up some notepads and sticky notes, you saw how thin the pad had gotten last night. It just so happened that the romance section was right by the shelves of stationeries. The book from Fontaine you had bought on a whim was in your opinion more psychological than romantic. However, the romantic elements present seems to have reignited your interest in the romance genre. 

Oh well, you were grown enough now to not be so easily swooned by poetic descriptions of love. You picked the first book whose description piqued your interest and added it to the basket. 

One of the first lessons taught to the children of Sumeru was to be cautious when putting out campfires. If not killed correctly, the unseen smoke can make fallen leaves catch fire. A small flame grows into a hellish blaze that consumes whole acres of forest. 

--

   “Thank you very much. Again, this isn’t necessary.” Alhaitham still took the books out of your hands. 

The small notepad on top of the stack caught his attention, his teal eyes looked into yours with a questioning glance. 

“Your notepad’s running out, and there was a sale.” 

“I see.” 

From time to time during your quiet reading session, you would glance up, a part of you hoping to see Alhaitham use the new stationery you’ve just bought him. A frown tugged at your lips when you saw he had set it to the side in favor of his old, thinning notepad. Maybe the color isn’t to his liking. 

You continue to buy stationeries for him. Any fancy notepads or post-its that caught your eye at a store, every time you give them to him, he would thank you. Then proceed to never use them. Perhaps, the ones you got were too fancy? He seemed to like simple and practical items. Next time you got plainer ones, just simple squares of plain paper, he still left them untouched. 

Maybe, you needed to find higher-quality ones. But if he didn’t like them then why does he keep accepting them? Should you try your luck with pens instead, he does go through quite a few. Ah, the sentiment from the very first time you met him still rang true to this day. Alhaitham is a weird Alpha. 

He was an enigma to you. 

You were an enigma to him. 

Alhaitham wasn’t sure when it started, but his mind grew curious about you. Perhaps it’s because he read through his collection of books, or maybe because things at work have been dull lately. Thus, he deduced it was only logical that you started to pique this interest in a bored mind. You lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. With you constantly being in close proximity, of course, he will want to learn more about you after more than three years together. 

One of the best ways to start studying you would be to start with your bookshelf. Alhaitham vaguely remembers you saying that you were interested in books, yet in all these years in the same space he hasn’t ever seen you touch your own shelf. What a pity, he could’ve used the extra space for his own books. Running a finger along the row of books, stopping on a random one he made his decision. 

--

Your taste in literature is, how should he put it, very different from his own preferences. The descriptions of the actions taken by the Alpha main character and his Omega lover were idiotic, to say the least. The lengthy declarations of the love and affection they held for each other, and the sentences riddled with exaggerations and rhetoric. The romance between the characters was the priority of the novel, thus the plot suffered greatly from it. 

In his opinion, the book was a mess. Yet, he didn’t once feel as if he had wasted his time. Alhaitham discovered a new side to you, is this the type of novel that interests you even as a Beta? The soft taps of your feet suddenly paused as it rounded the corner into the living room. Alhaitham looked up to see a tense look on your face as you stared at the novel currently in his hands. 

No words were exchanged between the two of you as you continued to stare, looking at the book then back at him. It was only for a minute at most, yet it felt a lot longer before you turned on your heels without so much as a word. It was brief, but Alhaitham thinks he saw the tips of your ears flush. Oh, did he stumble upon a guilty pleasure of yours? 

His actions must have been the cause of this deviation from routine, Alhaitham concluded while staring at the stack of books presented to him. Even on birthdays and holidays, gifts weren’t regularly exchanged between the two of you, so this was certainly a surprise. You were looking at him with eyes urging him to take the heavy books from your hands. He couldn’t refuse the offer. 

What came next was even more of a surprise, you sat on the usually empty sofa and pulled out a book of your own. The cover was different from the ones lining your bookshelf, the colors were much simpler, he also notes that the book comes from Fontaine. You were quiet and focused on your own novel, it didn’t cause any disruptions to his sacred reading time so he didn’t say anything about it. 

Soon your curled form on the sofa became a regular sight to see. Every now and then you’d readjust your position, trying to find a comfortable way to hold your book while also relaxing. Alhaitham subconsciously scribbles down brief notes on the book he holds in his other hand. Yet this time when he looked down, he had recorded this small detail about you on the paper. He felt your eyes glancing over as he swiftly crossed out what he had just written. 

A few days later you gifted him more books along with a new notepad. Now there's an unequal exchange happening. You have now gifted him many items, and he has yet to give you anything in return besides a simple ‘thanks’. What should he give you? Alhaitham pondered the question for a bit. 

He realizes that he doesn’t have a firm grasp on your likes and dislikes. Should he try books? No, he’s not familiar enough with your taste in literature to confidently gift a book you’d enjoy. If there was something that you liked, you’d just buy it right then and there with no hesitation with your own money. He thought about it a bit longer. 

When you came home from a particularly tiring day of work you’d often have a small take-out bag in your hands. The frown on your face would melt away the moment you pulled the padisarah pudding from the bag. Alhaitham opened his eyes, he has found the gift to give you. But from which cafe did you get that dessert? 

--

“Oh?” You looked at the padisarah pudding currently on the kitchen table. 

“It’s for you.” Alhaitham didn’t look up from his book. 

“Thank you. Actually, I have something for you as well.” You began to dig through your bag. 

Alhaitham glanced up to see you present him a new notepad and a stack of stick notes, the green paper embossed with gold detailing. He hasn’t even touched the first notepad you had gifted with a pen, and here you were giving him another. Now the current gift balance is even more off. 

You took your first spoonful of the pudding, his teal eyes secretly peeking at your expression as you processed the flavor. You furrowed your brow slightly holding the spoon in your mouth, then shrugged your shoulder as you took another bite. Your face didn’t light up like when you ate the ones you bought. 

Tsk, this means Alhaitham bought it from the wrong store. He knows he could simply just ask you which place made your favorite pudding. However, he finds the opportunity for experimentation in front of him more interesting. He wonders what faces you’ll give for each variation of the dessert. 

He gained more knowledge about you, you have a sweet tooth. He already guessed from your fondness for a certain dessert, but those were a treat for once in a while. You liked fruits, often snacking on them when you were bored on your phone, or as a late-night snack when reading. 

“Mmmh.” You looked down at the zaytun peach in your hand. 

“Is something the matter?” He asked, placing his cup of coffee down. 

“Which vendor did you get this peach from?” You looked over at him. 

“Why? Is there something wrong with the quality?”

“No, I like it. It’s got the right amount of firmness and sweetness.” You took another bite. 

Alhaitham made sure to only get zaytun peaches from that specific vendor. 

--

Currently, the head secretary was facing a small dilemma. On his desk he has amassed quite a collection of stationeries. All in part thanks to you, he took some of the notepads and sticky notes to his office, your gifting habits slowed when it looked like he was using them. The ashen-haired man could not pinpoint where this sudden obsession of giving him stationeries came from. 

Although, he has to admit it is quite amusing to watch the expression on your face as you watched his every time you handed over a new office item. It reminds him of a cat presenting its owner with shiny objects it had found, waiting for its human to react. But the current gift exchange ratio is still off. 

  His teal eyes scanned the report that had been placed on his desk earlier in the morning, there were a lot of important details between the lines on the pages. He should list down the details on a note before passing it on to the CEO. A hand reached towards the pile of post-its on his desk, courtesy of you, before it stopped. 

‘It would be too much of a waste to use good quality paper for such a tedious task.’ He reasons as he used one of the subpar post-its provided by the office. 

Dropping the report off at the CEO’s desk before he headed out for his lunch break. Walking to his favorite cafe, a familiar flash of color caught his eyes, a florist was selling potted pardisarahs. You did always seem to admire the colorful flowers that decorated the top of the dessert. 

He stood there on the street contemplating the plant. Padisarahs are fickle flowers, needing a specific blend of soil and precisely measured amounts of water. Too much sun and the fragile petals will burn, too little and the vibrancy of its leaves fade. He concluded that he didn’t want to bestow such a hassle on you. 

Returning from his lunch break to his office, Alhaitham was greeted by a great violation of his personal space. Covering his desk were stacks of new proposals and applications, those weren’t out of the ordinary. But the colorful squares plastered all over each new proposal were:

Please approve these proposals secretary Alhaitham! They are very important! ASAP

Here are the calculations of the research funds for next year, take a look at them - T

Alhaitham you better approve my application this time, the project is already delayed and I filed this paperwork twice! If you have any respect for your senior then approve this as soon as possible! - K

Head secretary, these are the new amendments to company policies. The legal team is awaiting your approval before we proceed with the implementation. - C

 They used the stationeries that you had gifted him to write nonsense. They had the gall to ask him for favors after they touched his desk without permission and wasted such pretty paper. 

Every proposals on his desk got thrown in the trash without so much as a glance. Nothing got approved, next time they should carefully consult his listed work hours outside the office. 

He didn’t think he’d have to make a sign that said ‘do not touch the items on my desk’ to a workplace of grown adults, but he was very much contemplating it now.  

Later that night, his annoyance from earlier in the day melted away once he cracked open the new book gifted to him. Your form comfortably wrapped in a light quilt as you cradled yours. The minutes turned into hours, the silence comfortable like the heat from a fireplace. A soft snap echoed through the room, your hand moving towards your face from the corner of his eye.

“Is something the matter?”

“Mm? Oh, no. The ending was just sad.” You wiped a tear from your other eye.

He learned something new about himself today, he didn’t like seeing you cry. 

You really should’ve known better. Like Icarus, you’ve flown too close to the sun. The glue binding the wings of maturity and sanity you’ve crafted started to melt and fall apart, causing you to plunge down. Falling back into the obsession of ‘love’. What started as just one book, turned into two, turned into four. Now your once sparsely populated shelves were crowded with new romance titles of all sorts. 

--

 “You’re rather late today.” Alhaitham’s voice made you freeze in place. 

Why did the living room have to be so close to the front door, maybe you should’ve snuck back in through the back door. Sneaking back into your own house, did you revert back to a teenager while in your fourth year of marriage? 

“Sorry ‘bout that, I got caught up with friends.” 

That was a blatant lie, your poor friends were dragged into your mess all because you couldn’t be honest. You weren’t in their company, no, you were in the theaters watching a film alone. But how could you ever admit to him that as the Alpha and Omega lovers danced on the screen, you pictured your faces over theirs? 

Alhaitham acknowledged your explanation with a small hum, never looking up from his book. Good, because you were certain if he did, he would’ve seen right through your lie. 

Was your handsome husband the spark that rekindled your obsession? Or was it the stories you’ve been consuming that made your heart thump harder in his presence? 

You weren’t sure which was which, but you couldn’t deny the truth you’ve buried. You were in love with Alhaitham. It was an undeniable fact. From the beginning, you’ve always liked him. His quiet demeanor, his baritone voice, and his teal-orange eyes. But now you were in love with them, every aspect of him. You hated how helpless it made you feel. 

But you secretly liked how good it felt. After years of dormancy, you finally felt it, the rush described to you in those stories. That can’t sleep love, that delicious burn of pining, the itch in your chest as you laid in bed next to him. Two quilts defining the unseen boundaries of personal space, you longed to creep over it but you lacked the courage. 

What does he smell like? The same shower and laundry products were shared between the two of you. But that is not what you meant. What did his pheromones smell like? Was it a cool fresh scent, cool like the minty streaks hidden through his ashen hair? Or was it deep and woodsy? Maybe he smells like the pages of an old library book. 

You used to pity your Omega classmates, for you knew the stigma and inconveniences they will face in their lives. However, right now you envied them to the point of nausea. They knew what Alhaitham’s scent was, but you don’t. Why did you have to be a Beta? 

The demon known as insecurity you thought you’ve left behind was actually lurking in your shadow the whole time. 

Maybe you should check yourself into the Bimarstan, the fever of love feels as if it’s melting your brain. His gaze felt piercing now, his accidental skinships seared your skin. You had no one to blame but yourself, Alhaitham is not at fault, you were the one who fell into the fire as he sat in his place on the couch unaware. Even after four years you still couldn’t be honest with your own husband.

Feelings were never discussed because he believed you had a mutual understanding that this was for convenience. 

You can’t tell him you wanted more. How can you tell him you wanted more? There’s already a wall four years in the making, too great to overcome.   

‘I need to rein myself in’ Alhaitham thought as his eyes followed your figure through the crowd below. It was a slow Friday at work so he decided to walk away from his desk, arriving at an overpass that looked over the streets of Sumeru. Something compelled him to look below, and under the golden sun there you were, and by your side was another Alpha. 

Dehya is her name, a good friend of yours that you introduced once before leaving for a birthday celebration. A good friend who had the privilege to ruffle your hair and loop an arm around your shoulders as she ushers you into one of the many stalls filled with glittering trinkets. 

His hand tightened its grip on the railing, why did she have privileges he was denied? Alhaitham felt he was stalking his own wife. Idiotic really. 

Skinship was not commonplace between you, an unseen glass wall defining the boundaries of your personal space. Whenever his skin met yours, you’d flinch and pull away as if you were burned. He always just apologize and the two of you would move on without another word. Hell, even if his eyes lingered on you for too long you’d tense up. 

It’s been happening more often now, is it because his eyes started wandering more towards your figure or how his hand itched to hold yours?  

Were you scarred by a past relationship? Were your flinches the remnants of a darker period in your life before him? His jaw clenched. By pulling a few strings he had pulled up more files of your past, to satisfy his mind’s hungry, but there was nothing. It only made his curiosity hunger more, or was it something else? Alhaitham wanted answers to why you hated his touches and stares, yet wanted to be in his presence and give him gifts. 

There was only one conclusion he could come up with: you liked your personal space. And he will respect it, but why did your friends not have to?

There was now a knot in his stomach as if a beast was clawing at it, maybe he should call off work and head to the Bimarstan. He disappeared from the overpass. 

–

“Haitham.” He heard your soft pounds on the door. 

“Leave some hot water for me.” He could envision the pout on your lips, and that’s what brought him over the edge. 

Watching with shameless eyes as the evidence of his guilt washed down the shower drain, running water masking his pants. 

If he can’t touch you, that doesn’t mean he can’t think about you; words spoken like a true creep he silently chastised. Alhaitham doesn’t care to admit how long he’s been doing this, perhaps his primal urges weren’t as controlled as he believed. 

It’s strange really, you’re a Beta yet you make him have these urges.

You don’t produce any pheromones to cling onto his body. But by using the same shower products as you, it serves the same purpose of scenting no? A foolish voice Alhaitham pushed from the back of his mind, taking another pump of your body wash. Maybe he should check the dosage of his inhibitors. 

–

The only opportunity he got to observe you closely was when you were asleep. ‘You’re quite the heavy sleeper’, he notes as his eyes traced over the subtle curves of your cheeks, the contours of your nose, and the softness of your lips. 

It’s accepted wisdom that Omegas were the most beautiful people. The top A-list singers and actors being Omegas only solidified the belief. However, Alhaitham’s confident your existence could challenge that very notion. 

If it weren’t for your distinct lack of a scent, any Alpha could’ve mistaken you for an Omega. Even his guests were taken aback by how your appearance didn’t match your status as a Beta. 

There was a pang in his chest. If he felt those urges when looking at you, then it’s guaranteed that others, specifically other Alphas, have felt it as well. But why? He trusted you to stay true to your convictions of loyalty and integrity… He wasn’t so sure about others though. Even with the inhibitors coursing through his system, he couldn’t seem to push down that annoying hand clawing at his back. 

You stirred, huddling into your blanket more, snapping his attention back. ‘Oh, you must be cold again’. The houses in Sumeru were designed to keep hot air out, so when a northern cold front blew in, you definitely felt it. 

Quietly getting up, Alhaitham pulled the spare quilt out of the closet, gently layering it over your curled form. The knit between your brows disappeared as a pleased expression overtook your face. Were you having a pleasant dream? Was he ever included? Subconsciously his hand began to reach for your face, only to freeze. 

‘Personal space’ he reminds himself as he strolls out of the bedroom. 

It makes no sense to him, you’re a Beta. In fact, the reason why he married you in the first place was because he believed your lack of pheromones and lack of heats won’t disrupt his peaceful life. The matchmaker had called him her biggest challenge, persevering only because of a promise made to his late grandma. 

So, how were you still corrupting his thoughts like this? 

He should read to calm his mind before he attempts to join you back in bed. Thoughts running laps in his head, analyzing then overanalyzing every last explanation he could come up with. 

Alhaitham’s greedy hands made their way over to your bookshelf, perhaps he could sedate a bit of his curiosity as well. Pulling the Fontainian novel that marked the start of a tradition. 

Under the golden glow of a lamp he flipped through the pages, it seems that your taste in literature has matured. Teal eyes skimming past a paragraph before going back to do a double take. 

‘Love born in the brain is more spirited, doubtless, than true love, but it has only flashes of enthusiasm; it knows itself too well, it criticizes itself incessantly; so far from banishing thought, it is itself reared only upon a structure of thought.’

He reached an epiphany. 

It looks like you’ve been careless recently. Too distracted by the task of masking your infatuation of your husband from your husband, and maintaining your independent mask to realize that Alhaitham had once again finished all his books. 

The novel right in front of you, moved from its place on your shelf, was proof of that. 

‘It’s a good book’

Your husband’s neat handwriting was present on the small mint post-it plastered on the front cover. It was a simple gesture yet it made your heart flutter as if you had won the achievement of a lifetime. You finally got Alhaitham to use one of the many stationeries gifted to him. 

Carefully peeling the paper off the cover, then folding it to tuck it away in your pocket. 

“At least it’s not another light novel this time.” You affirmed, sticking the book back into its spot. 

--

“The mahamatra have announced a total recall of the inhibitors distributed during the past three months, with reports-”

You were lost in your own little world, contemplating just which books haven’t you bought for your husband yet. Tuning out the sounds of the bookstore playlist and TV as your eyes scanned the titles of the thick books in front of you. 

Would he like Sci-Fi? Sure it’s not academic but maybe it’ll have nuggets of information in there that’d catch his interest. 

--

The weight of the books made your bag strap dig into your shoulder, seeing the house in the distance, you picked up your pace for the home stretch. Tomorrow marks the start of a four-day public holiday, and after the crunch time your boss put you through to tie up loose ends. You needed it. 

Turning the keys in the knob you entered your peaceful little safe haven. 

Only to immediately feel the heaviness in the air. 

Your husband should be home by now, yet the spot on the couch remained empty. His shoes were placed at the door, albeit messily. Kicking off yours as you placed the bag on the coffee table, you navigated your way through the halls. 

The atmosphere was quiet, but not the comforting silence you’ve experienced for the last five years. 

“Haitham?” You called out, about to turn the corner into the master bedroom. 

His black button-down and slacks were thrown all over the floor, a large lump was currently huddled under your blankets on your side of the bed. ‘Oh, he must be napping’. 

Two years in, Alhaitham slept shirtless again like he did before you came. Never before were you grateful that your job made you get up at ungodly 8 am, but having an extra 30 minutes to look at his godly body as he slept made mornings bearable. 

Still, the air didn’t feel right and even if he was messy sometimes, your husband never just threw his clothes on the ground when the laundry basket was right in the corner. His breathing also seemed labored. 

“Haitham, are you sick?” Reaching a hand into the cocoon of blankets, feeling for his temperature. 

A sharp inhale was heard as his breathing stilled, his skin was burning. You moved onto a different patch of skin to confirm it. He must have a fever. 

“You’re burning! I’ll get medicine and water, don’t move.” Your hand quickly retracted. 

Just as your back was turned towards him, like a monster from beneath the blankets a pair of arms entrapped you.

“H-haitham?” His touch was searing you. 

“W-woah?!” 

In an instant, you were pinned under Alhaitham’s towering form, the soft sheets cushioning your body. The place where he once curled was twisted and balmy. Your eyes shoot up at him as he hovered above, your body stiffened. A scarlet haze offset the brilliant teal hue you’ve grown so infatuated with, a sense of impending danger ran down your neck. 

He doesn’t have a fever, he’s in a rut. 

Your thoughts were running wild, bouncing around in your skull as his labored breathing above continued. In all five years, you’ve never seen Alhaitham go into a rut, he was always diligent with his inhibitors. You’ve never been around an Alpha in rut, after all, you were never the one to trigger it. 

It’s embarrassing really, you had no idea what to do, all your experience with ruts came from those steamy light novels. 

“H-haitham, let me up, I’ll get your inhibitors...” You tried to tug your wrists from his grasp. 

Big mistake. His grip tightened as he buried his face into the side of your neck, a low rumble was felt from his chest. Alhaitham had his nose right up against your neck, taking deep inhales as if he was trying to detect something. 

You shivered as your body temperature shot up, you’ve never been this close to him, the brushes of his ashen locks against your neck made your legs rub together. 

“Hey…” You moved your neck away, the sensation was almost overwhelming. 

“Stay still.” A baritone voice vibrated against you. 

On command your body stilled, muscles refusing to move as Alhaitham continued his search. His breath was against your ear, tickling it as he took deep inhales of your hair. A low groan was heard as if he was frustrated with something.  

“Not enough.” 

“Huh?-” 

The sound your blouse getting torn off your body resonated through the air. Even will a layer of clothing gone, your body felt hotter. Just as you began to process the loss of your favorite blouse, another rip rang in your ears. Your skirt was now gone as well. You were so vulnerable under his touches. 

Dragging his nose down from your neck, over your covered breasts, then along your belly. His hands now gripped your thighs as he shifts down to part them effortlessly, eyes focused on your covered cunt. 

Your mind was groggy, reactions dulled, why was the room so hot? Suddenly you felt his nose against your cunt, taking long whiffs of the slick that was beginning to wet the fabric of your panties. That was enough to spark action from you. 

“H-hey!” Your hands pushed against his messy locks as your thighs tried to preserve your dignity.  

“Ah!” You couldn’t stop the moan that escaped your mouth. 

In protest of your attempt to shut him out of heaven, Alhaitham bit into the soft flesh of your thigh. Hazy eyes looking straight into yours, warning you to not do it again. His intense gaze made something deep in your cunt pulse. 

Sharp teeth released soft skin as his attention was back on the honeypot in front of him. Your panties offered as much resistance as wet paper against his swift tug, the fabric now on the floor in pieces. 

Your cunt twitched with each hot breath that hit against its wet lips. With the thin barrier gone, Alhaitham can now freely bury his nose against your honeypot, tingles ran up his spine as the sweet musk of your slick sent his olfactory system into chaos. His throat felt parched as if he had just trekked the desert, he needed a taste. 

“Ah! Ahhh,” your back arched as his hot tongue lapped against your cunt. 

Alhaitham was slurping up your slick like a depraved beast, wet muscles sliding up the whole length of your slit, occasionally dipping into the contracting hole. Your whole body shook when the smoothness of his tongue ran across your clit, toes curling in the air.

 The shower head couldn’t bring out this level of pleasure. The fantasies you envisioned during your long showers couldn’t compare to the scene happening right now. His ministration continued, each stroke of his tongue sending blinding waves of pleasure. 

His hips were angrily rutting against the sheets, erection rubbing against the fabric impatiently. But he had to taste you more, his mind hazy as it craved nothing more than your taste. It was his first taste, but he was already addicted. Your legs tensed up in his grip as a loud whine left your lips, your body shaking as a sudden rush of slick was welcomed onto his awaiting tongue. 

Your sensitive body tried to flinch away as he continued to lap against your swollen lips and clit but his iron grip on your legs didn’t let you budge an inch. Eyes rolled back as the sweet torture continued. 

Your body convulsed, did you just cum again? Two orgasms sapped you of all strength, everything fell limp as your moans continued to fill the room. Your mind too foggy to even process the feeling of embarrassment. It felt so good, yet it was torturing, your cunt was sobbing for something else. 

As if taking mercy on your desperation, or maybe his desperation had reached its limit, Alhaitham pulled away. Teary eyes followed his motion, watching as he aligned his length with your greed.

You’ve seen him walk out of the shower in just a towel, how did he hide this behind a puny towel? 

Your cunt’s eagerness blocked any hesitation from reaching your brain as his length dragged itself against your soaked lips. The pillow behind your head was not enough, you needed something more solid to hold onto, to ground the last shred of your sanity. 

Shaky hands released the plush pillows, outstretched towards Alhaitham’s immense frame. A growl ripped through his chest as he dove into your arms at the same time as his length thrusted fully inside you.  

“OH!” Your fingers left deep stretches along his shoulder blades. 

His pants and soft growls vibrated against your neck as your eyes rolled back again, the fullness you’d been craving has been fulfilled. The stretch burned in all the right ways as your walls clung onto his member, thick and hard. Soft legs locked around a solid torso, your body pressed against his as his frame pinned yours to the bed. Just as you were adjusting to feeling of his length inside, his hips began moving. 

They were merciless, slapping against your hips and ass as the force made your whole body bounce. His length punishes your walls as it pulled out to just the tip only to be slammed back in at full strength. You clung to his muscular body for dear life, breasts bouncing out of their home in your bra. 

Nonsense was spilling out of your mouth as your brain malfunctioned from the blinding flashes of pleasure. The slick slaps of your cunt eagerly welcoming his every move and the headboard of the bed knocking against the wall complimented each other. 

Alhaitham’s pants were growing heavier, growls deeper as his tongue began to trace up and down your neck. The sensation along with his thick tip bullying your poor sweet spot pushed you over the edge for the third time. Walls clamping down to milk him as your legs squeezed him, the pleasure was toeing the edge of pain, much like how your brain was on the verge of madness. 

Nothing interrupted the pistoning of his hips as he fucked you through your orgasm, heavy balls slapping against your swollen lips. 

As the high was beginning to wear off, his pace became impossibly fast, the solid wood headboard now banging against the poor wall. Your bodies rocking together on the bed, he buried his face deeper into your neck. His teeth danced along your shoulder as your moans sang in his ears. He wanted to hear more of it. 

Alhaitham’s hips slammed against yours one final time before they stilled, teeth digging into your shoulder to suppress a moan, burying his length deep inside your cunt as his thick seed spilled. 

Your greed drank all of it up gratefully as your shoulder stung. 

Your chest was raising and falling fast, lungs trying to hog all the air that it could hold. Heart pounding hard in your ears. Tears and drool wet your face as your head fell weakly to the side on the soft pillow. You were completely spent as your arms didn’t even have the strength to hold onto him. Limbs limp and nerves fried. 

Above you Alhaitham continued to pant into your shoulder, length still buried inside. 

After a couple more harsh pants and deep breaths, you felt him stir, pushing against the bed to unpin you from his frame. 

“Ah-hh ahh~” You felt your walls clench once more around his length as he pulled out, a thick string of mixed slick connected his tip to your hole. 

Your body longed for rest as you turned onto your stomach, face pressed against the pillow, still panting heavily as your eyes closed. 

Two large hands grasped firmly onto your hips, startling your consciousness back as you looked over your shoulder. 

Alhaitham still had that scarlet haze in his eyes as he lifted your hips up, watching as more mixed fluids began to tickle out of your abused hole. Your eyes shifted down and you gulped, he was still erect. 

You were quite foolish to believe that one round was enough to satisfy an Alpha in rut. However, if it weren’t for his firm grasp on your hips, your body would’ve collapsed back into the sheets. 

A loud whine left your throat, vocalizing your exhaustion to him. It’s been a long time since you got any action, the two of you didn’t even consummate on the wedding night, it was spent packing your stuff. 

You tried to shift your hips out of his grip but he only held on tighter, earning another whine. 

Soft kisses were pressed against your back as if he was trying to soothe you. It was pathetic how weak you were to them, instantly melting against the pillow. Maybe you can last one more round you thought as his length rubbed against your slit again. 

Thanks to the extra prep and lubrication from the last round your walls were much more accustomed to the stretch as Alhaitham entered once more. His beginning thrusts were much more slowed and controlled than before as you moaned softly into the pillow. 

This couldn’t last sadly, as his lust overtook him again and his hips once again slammed into you, forcing a choked moan from you. Using his hands, he held your body up as he pulled all the way out until the tip then cruelly forced it all back into you. 

You wanted to beg him to rest, but you also wanted to beg for more. Your sloppy cunt accepted all his punishing movements with gratitude as the wet walls thanked his length with kiss-like contractions. 

Your eyes were rolled to the back of your head, mind absolutely blank, the pleasure must’ve melted your brain. All you could do was grip the tear-soaked pillow and let out moan after moan, the poor wall still getting beaten by the movement of the headboard. Tension building up once more in you. 

 Somewhere along the lines, you felt his teeth graze against your nape as his thrust picked up the pace once more, a sign that he was close to finishing. He was panting against the back of your neck as if he was searching for something. With a particularly harsh snap of his hips, he bites deeply into your nape as he releases a fresh batch of seed. 

“Why?”

You felt the frustrated growls against your skin as he bites again at a different angle. The pleasureful pain seems to have jump started your brain for just a second. 

‘Oh, he’s trying to bond.’ You felt Alhaitham’s soft locks brush against your shoulders as he continued his fruitless search. 

You were once reminded that you were just a Beta, unable to form a bond. He could bite your neck as many times as he wanted. His teeth can pierce the flesh until the skin was raw, but it would be all for naught. He’ll never get that satisfaction. You don’t have the glands to be bitten, to be marked, to be bonded with. 

You weren’t an Omega. There was now a heavy knot in your chest. 

–

You weren’t even sure what day it was, all you can recall is the hazy cycle of intense lust followed by a lull before the next round. During the lull, you did your damnedest to keep yourself and him hydrated, often having to lure him into the kitchen for some much-needed water and quick snacks. 

The air of the house was thick with the musk of sweat and desire, very nerve of yours fried from pleasure. 

Once again your body was pinned under his, legs thrown over his shoulders as his hips desperately snapped against yours. 

Every article of clothing has long since been removed, allowing your breasts to bounce along with every thrust. By now you were certain the shape of him was pounded into your cunt. The soaked sheets below clutched in your hands as if to ground you from floating up to cloud nine. 

The harsh pants and low growls above you increased in frequency in time with his thrusts. He must be close again. 

Fortunately, you’ve noticed that the breaks between each round have been getting longer and longer. A sign that the rut was ending. If you survive this you’ll bring offers to the sanctuary of surasthana to thank the archons for their blessing. Maybe after the feeling returns back to your legs of course. 

Suddenly your face was pushed into the side of his neck, the scent of sweat now stronger. 

“Bite.” His rugged voice commanded. 

Ah… he wanted you to mark him. With clumsy teeth, you felt around the smooth muscles. You can’t sense where his glands were so you just bit down at random along his neck. It was useless, you knew it, but still...

Alhaitham pushed himself eagerly against your teeth, encouraging you to bite harder with a growl. You obliged. 

His teeth ran along your raw neck, already covered in his bites and hickeys, searching for one last spot. Your jaw clamped down harder as his teeth sank into your neck one last time. Hips stilling as one final wave flooded into you, it was hard to tell when one orgasm ended and another began. 

Your hands found purchase around his back again, holding him close as you panted against his neck. Against yours a frustrated growl vibrated once more, his muddled mind confused as to why no bond has formed. 

“Why?”

There was that cold pierce of pain again. 

The large hand on the back of your head held your nose close against his searing skin. It could’ve just been your fried nerves, but as the darkness overtook your vision, you could’ve sworn there was a warm and opulent scent of wood and books.

 If you were reborn, in the next life could you recognize his scent?

Your eyes opened up to blinding sunlight. Your body ached as if it had been through hell and back, bones threatening to turn into dust at any second. The large bed messy and only occupied by one body. Shifting your sight away from the stinging light, his empty pillow came into view. 

You weren’t sure what came over you, but even as your muscles screamed you pressed your nose into the cold pillow and inhaled. Nothing. Just sweat and disappointment. 

Just what were you hoping for? That a few nights of passion would birth a miracle? That you’d somehow turn into something you couldn’t be? In the end, you were still you. Those novels must’ve rotted your common sense, stupid. 

Bitter tears fell onto the pillow, you didn’t have the strength to hold back the sobs as they wrecked through your body. 

Yes, you were stupid. So stupid from the very start to believe that this could work. That maybe after a few more years, maybe at the seven-year mark, he could fall in love with you as well. 

The dream of his tender eyes looking into yours with love crumbled right there in front of you. 

 A cup clanged onto the desk in the room as footsteps quickly made their way to your side, a blurred figure knelt down. 

“Is your body hurting anywhere? I’ll take you to the Bimarstan.” Alhaitham gently sat your covered figure up, trying to see the extent of the situation. 

Your small hands pushed against his solid frame, his motion stilled as you refused to allow him to see your face. 

However, Alhaitham knows he didn’t have the right to. Not only did he invade your sacred personal space, but he did so like a wild beast. Not allowing your body to rest or replenish itself as he trapped you to the bed for almost four days. He deduced that you must be hurting, that you must be scared of him now, and that must be the reason behind your tears. 

Guilt was suffocating him. Those stupid urges, that stupid rut. His stupid hands refusing to let you go.

Throughout your whole marriage, you had put on the mask of independence, someone who did not need to lean on a husband for comfort. Yet here you were, bawling out your eyes in front of him like a child. Your façade has been cracked, tears soaking into his pillow and snot trickling down under his unwavering gaze. 

What was the look on his face right now? You couldn’t see through the mirage of tears blurring your sight, not that you had the courage to face him. Was it disappointment? Right now as he observed your vulnerable figure, did he feel lied to after all these years? Like he had just discovered the defects in a product? 

The freezing water of self-loathing, doubt, and insecurity filled you like a boat whose haul had been pierced by the jagged edges of an iceberg. You were drowning, your limbs kicking and thrashing with all their might trying to resurface. 

For a brief moment, your face bobbed above the crashing waves.

“Let's get a divorce.” 

Those were the only words you managed to choke out in the space between your sobs before your head disappeared under the murky waters once more. 

His whole body froze as he processed your words. Alhaitham had already deduced why you wanted to end this relationship, he had hurt and scarred you. Yet, like a child, he still wanted to clamber for more answers. 

“Why?” He said through clenched teeth, you couldn’t see it but his hands had a slight shake. 

“We’re not satisfied, Alhaitham. I-it’s not working, I-i can’t satisfy your requirements. I-i can’t make you happy, I-i can’t make you love… me.” Hiccups breaking up your sentences.

That was it, you spilled out all your secrets. Your lungs and throat hurting as if you just pushed salt water out of them. 

Alhaitham’s hands were balled up so tightly his nails broke the skin on his palms. 

So, you weren’t happy. He couldn’t make you happy. He felt as if he had dropped down to the tier of a fool. A fool who didn’t know how to make those bitter tears of yours stop. 

He released you. 

You felt his presence disappear from your side. The touch of warmth he provides was now gone as coldness fully engulfs your whole being. The tears just wouldn’t stop. Is this what those heartbroken sobs actually felt like? Why did you ever think this was something to be desired? You truly were an idiot. 

You weren’t sure how long had passed, a few seconds or a few minutes, but his presence returned back to your side. He looked as if he had something in his hands. Were they divorce papers? Ah, Alhaitham was a man who always had a plan for everything. Did he have a premonition that this marriage was doomed from the start? How long has he had them?

Alhaitham didn’t feel like he had the right to touch you. However, he needed to do something to make you look at him. Please, just look at him. His large hands tenderly grasped yours as if they were made from glass. You still hid your face from him.

“I won’t bind you to a life that brings you unhappiness. But.. You have to tell me” His voice wasn’t as steady as he wanted it. 

“If you want strolls through the market, tell me. If you want to be woken up with sweet whispers, tell me. If you want to hold hands across a date night table, then tell me. You have to tell me what will make you happy.” He wasn’t sure if those were your unfulfilled desires or his.

You could only tighten your grip on his hands as you sobbed harder. 

Your statement from before was incorrect. Alhaitham is also at fault for this pain you were going through. If there was one feeling that was just as addictive as love, it would be hope. Please, please don’t give false hope. 

“I-i’ll disrupt your-r life…” You managed to choke out.

His thumb gently stroke the back of your knuckles.

“How could you ever disrupt something you’re a part of?” 

Your hesitant eyes finally met his teal gaze, his eyes soft as opposed to their usual stonewall stare. With the walls down, you were given a glimpse into the whirling emotions behind them. Endearment, sincerity, and hurt danced along the green-blue irises. 

“As for your last reason, here. I should’ve just given this to you directly.” His hands let go of yours, picking up the item he had brought.

He handed over the book you had placed back on your bookshelf a few days earlier, the one he had left his note on. So, he didn’t have divorce papers prepared? Your trembling hands accepted it, and through your teary eyes, you finally noticed the torn-out green and gold note contrasting between the cream pages. 

Tenderly, you unfolded the piece of paper retrieved from the book. Quickly blinking to clear your eyes from excess tears. In the neat script of Alhaitham’s handwriting: 

 ‘Love born in the heart as opposed to Love born in the brain:

 When one loves at first sight or goes looking for love, then one is essentially just attracted to someone for the sake of being with someone. Not looking objectively at any warning signs or relationship flaws one has with someone. If there are any issues, the bias of infatuation blinds you to them. 

So that's loving with the heart, based solely on carefree addictive emotion, even though it feels stronger and more enthusiastic on the surface. 

Love from the brain is more logical and objective. You take the time to understand a person, seeing them for them with unbiased eyes. You understand them thoroughly and can maturely and objectively work through the turbulence of life together. Individuals who set aside precious time to manually repair creaks, maintaining the structural integrity of a home that shelters their affections. 

With the diligence of a conservator preserving ancient scripts on papyrus that should have been disintegrated long ago. 

The latter rather than the former describes the bond forged between my wife and I.’ 

Your grip crumpled the side of the paper.

“What does this mean?” Hesitation in your voice as tears blurred your vision of his teal eyes. 

“I love you.” He confessed. Three words have been overdue for years.

‘Don’t be filled with false hope’ Your mind echoed.

 “I’m not an Omega…”

“That’s not a requirement for love.”

That was it. It was as if you’ve been waiting all this time for him to say those words. The words of affirmation you didn’t know you needed. The key to free you from the cage of insecurity you’ve built for yourself. 

Your feet now touched the warm sandy bottom as air rushed back into your lungs.

  It looks like you’ve figured it out. Regardless of what definition of love has been pushed by external forces, these feelings he holds for you are objectively pure and true love. His hands tenderly took yours away from its grip on the paper. If you wanted him to, Alhaitham will spend the rest of his life proving it to you. He’ll conduct every experiment and collect all the data points to present to you. 

How silly, a red thread spun by two pairs of hands, created through undying trust, respect, and admiration had already tied the two of you in a bond. The love you were trying so hard for had always been right in front of you for five years.

The blanket draped behind your head resembled a wedding veil as the fabric folded and gathered around your trembling body. ‘Beautiful’ He thought. 

The room was a mess, sheets and clothes strewn all across the floor. The musk of lust still hung heavy in the air, the residue of sweat and other fluids still clinging to skin. Your hair was all over the place, tears still pouring from your eyes, his hair was no better. But in this moment, there was nothing more Alhaitham wanted to do than this: 

“Will you take me, Alhaitham, as your lawfully married husband? To love me through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain?” 

Sobs were still wracking through your body, words unable to form in your mouth but you were nodding your head enthusiastically. Your hands felt small firmly holding onto his larger ones. 

“I, Alhaitham, will take you as my lawfully married wife. I will love you through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain… I do.” 

It was a silly sight to behold, but in this moment as he finally sees a smile break out on your face, it means the world to him. 

There’s a saying from a well-known poet from Fontaine it goes as follows:

‘Love is being stupid together.’ 

And clearly, the two of you have been very stupid. Oh so stupidly in love.  

Fin~

Authors note:

The long quote was taken from Stendhal’s The Red and The Black

The last quote is from Paul Valery

Also communication is v important to any relationship, people can’t read minds Alhaitham. If you made it this far, thank you and hope you enjoyed!

DON’T PLAGIARIZE, TRANSLATE, OR REPOST MY WORKS ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS. 

[tadc-ragatha]

Them Receiving a Drawing of Themselves

TW: breakdowns/shutdowns, gender dysphoria, crying

Type: Headcanons

A/N: "Reader discusses what they and the members used to look like, and decides to draw an artist's interpretation of that description with startling accuracy." As of posting, requests are open. Includes only the main six (who I shall now call the digital six/circus crew). Spoilers. Body-sickness = homesickness for body.

Pomni

I'm going to make this interesting for myself and go with the theory that when she saw herself in the mirror she got a bunch of gender euphoria because she's trans. So, for this, she probably wouldn't even bring up her old appearance on her own unless heavily prompted to. Even then, she's really awkward about it, and everyone probably gets the memo that she's at least insecure about her old looks.

Not you, though. You decided to take it upon yourself to draw her. You paid attention to every detail she said, and compiled it all together to create a drawing/painting of the real-world Pomni. She was...Less than enthusiastic. At first, she's angry, even. But once she realises you didn't know, she just turns to going down a crisis of reality and homesickness instead.

If we don't go with that theory, then she still has a crisis. She'd finally started to push her thoughts of home to the edge of her mind, and now it's brought up to the front again. It's best to just not make art of her.

Ragatha

You probably found out about Ragatha through a breakdown of hers. She'd been holding up the happy-go-lucky, optimistic, cheery persona for so long that it was bound to snap. And so, one day the dam had a leak that turned into a full-on collapse. She was crying and talking about how she missed home and her real body. She was starting to forget what she looked like, and it was driving her to the edge.

In an effort to not have her abstracted, you took it upon yourself to give her something to hold on to. You took mental notes of each thing she said about herself and once everything was safe, you went to your room. Taking out your art equipment, you got to work on trying your best to recreate what she looked like.

In the end, you made a bunch of different ones. Presenting them to her, she was surprised and sad. It fueled her homesickness even more. But she covered it up and accepted it; she knew it was out of love, after all. And after she calmed down she did get to looking at them properly and it did give her some comfort to recognise herself and know that she wouldn't forget herself just yet.

Jax

I feel like Jax cared a lot about his appearance. Really, this is just based on that moment where he checks his non-existent nails, but I digress. Either way, he was probably just complaining like normal when it happened. He didn't really care about what he was saying (on the outside, at least); he was just bored and wanting to talk. But you made it your mission to make him feel better about his "body-sickness".

When he received the gift, he would've tried to play it off real quick. Truth be told, depending on how long you had been in the DC he probably would've made fun of your art. But you could see his initial reaction being one of surprise. Still, he would've tried to twist it and tease you about supposedly having a crush on him or trying to be his friend (a "useless attempt" is what he would say).

He probably tried to just chuck it under his bed when he got to his room. But after a little while the temptation was too much and he grabbed it. Looking it over, it was creepy how on point it was. To be honest, he was half-convinced you had known him outside of the digital world. Either way, he was secretly pretty grateful for it and glad you had had that otherwise useless conversation. But he would never tell you that.

Kinger

Kinger would've just asked what you looked like and that would've led to talking about him. I feel like he's got a sort of dad vibe in the way that he'd make up grand stories about himself. Like, he was a world-famous Broadway star or something. But he'd drop the act and tell you he was just joking. Either way, he ended up telling you about his looks.

When drawing him, you realised just how old he was. Not in a bad way, but you did still feel bad for him. He had lived half a life already before being trapped in the DC, and then he had been there the longest. Who knew what had happened to him; what he had lived through, who he had cared about before all this happened. It made you sad.

Giving him the present, though, he was very grateful and told you such. It had been so long since he had seen anything that looked like him, and to have something so accurate seemed nothing short of a miracle. He was sure to show it off to everyone and soon the whole circus crew was wanting their own.

Gangle

Gangle is an artist herself, and you were likely drawing together when the conversation of drawing each other came up. At first, you just made art of each other's current bodies, but soon you were discussing what you looked like before being trapped in the DC. Thankfully for Gangle, her comedy mask hadn't yet been broken by Jax, so she wasn't too depressed when talking about it.

I bet she put a lot of effort into drawing you. Though, her style isn't realistic, so it looked very anime-ified. Still, the hair and eye colour matched. You put a lot of effort into making art of Gangle, too. Though, you were almost photo-realistic (when you had the time and resources) in your art, so yours turned out much more accurate.

When Gangle saw what she looked like, her comedy mask came right off and she started bawling. She hadn't seen herself in forever, and just couldn't handle it. She was so, so grateful, though, to have the opportunity to see herself again. But she didn't dare tell anyone; she wasn't sure that you'd want everyone bugging you for a picture.

Zooble

Zooble doesn't strike me as someone who'd want to talk about their past. She seems to me like someone who's very in-the-present (well, as in the present as someone who's been thrown into a digital world can be). You'd have to really be friends with her and encourage him to talk about what they looked like.

Still, when he does, she goes into some detail. You listen like a bat to every word they say. And once you leave, you rush straight to your room to start on the project. It's a bit weird imagining Zooble as a living, breathing person in the past instead of an abstract collection of living shapes, but it's also humbling to be reminded you weren't the only person to really lose your body.

Receiving the completed project, Zooble is pretty calm about it. Something along the lines of "oh, wow, you didn't have to do that" is what they'd say. But she takes it from you anyway and is sure to keep it in a safe and secure spot where Jax won't be able to ruin it. And oh boy, if he does, they will be after him.

[mgc02]

Yandere Angel Dust and Husker x FTM reader who breaks his ribs during the big fight because he was wearing a blinder for too long

Necessary

Yandere Angel x FTM reader x Yandere Husker

TW: contains descriptions of gender dysphoria, yandere behavior, toxic behavior, mentions of transphobia, manipulation, murder, graphic depictions of pain and injury from wearing a binder too long

They know you have a lot of dysphoria about your chest and so they buy you your first binder

You don't even question how they knew your size

You love it so much. It eases that feeling of being trapped and needing to escape. It feels so free.

In fact, you can't bring yourself to take it off

You are aware you are not supposed to wear it long but you hope maybe nothing will go wrong

That is until a particular sinner gets a little transphobic and you get into a scuffle

Now usually Angel and Husk would've helped you out as they are constantly near. But not this time. They didn't want to leave you unattended for too long but Charlie needed their help with something

In the mist of the brawl you felt yourself struggling to breath and getting dizzy

Suddenly you felt a crack and sharp pain

You fell over and blacked out for a second or maybe it was longer. You had no idea. But awoke to Husk and Angel gunning down the sinner in rage

Afterwards they immediately fawned over you. They could tell you were hurt and at first they thought that sinner did something

But you admitted, slightly ashamed, that it was because you had been wearing your binder for too long

They insisted you take it off immediately

You knew they were looking out for you and although the thought made you uncomfortable you did so

You noticed bruises on your chest from the binder and the sudden rush of air you could breathe better hurt as your chest expanded and the broken rib was affected.

They watched over you as you healed. Wouldn't let you leave the bed. Wouldn't let you lift a finger. You weren’t left to your own devices for a second. It would be sweet if you didn't kinda want some alone time. You know, to get all emotional and reflect.

But they insisted it was for your own good and they clearly cared about you so you caved.

Once you were fully healed you were excited to put your binder back on despite the circumstances. You were sure you learned your lesson this time but when you went through your drawers it wasn't there

In a panic you tore your room apart. But then Husk came in to check on you and after hearing your worries he tried to calm you by letting you know they got rid of it

You couldn't believe it. Why? You needed it.

Husk explained that you simply couldn't handle it and they were going to look into other options but for the time being you would just go without it.

You broke down. They were right. You couldn't handle it. You cried into Husk's arms.

He couldn't stand to see you like this

So he and Angel came up with a plan

They approached you with the plan for the three of you to share a room. They would keep a closer eye on you and make sure you didn't bind for too long

They would take care of you and help you in any way they could

But to make sure you didn't get into any more fights they told you that you could not leave the room without one of them

And you agreed

Because you needed them

You will always need them

[sleepyboywrites]

Hey there, do you wanna do yandere headcannons for the creepypasta characters? (Specifically Trans or Cis Male Reader) whichever once you want, I did it with the TF2 characters and it was tons of fun

Hey! I hope it's okay if I just do an in general Male Reader because I don't like to use specifics unless it's necessary, like for trans/cis exclusive experiences ie: dysphoria/euphoria, overly descriptive nsfw if I ever end up doing something like that, and/or things like periods which cis men don't experience to allow more people to relate. In short I just don't want any male readers to feel excluded if it's not an exclusive experience if that makes any sense.

Also I apologize for not posting in a bit and taking so long to respond to this turns out I have too many thoughts about this particular prompt actually so this will probably turn into individual series/posts after this one

Yandere! Creepypasta x Male!Reader.

Tw: yandere behaviors kidnapping, murder, physical or psychological abuse, slightly spicy? for a couple Idk, it's nothing descriptive just mentions of a perverted mind and could possibly be interpreted in that way

Eyeless Jack

• obsession obsession obsession. Beastlike has things he stole from you in a nest. Kills people who interact with you. Almost wolf-like if I had to put a fine point to it.

• At first it's just people who were mean to you, hurt you, or made you feel badly about yourself because surely a boy like yourself would praise him for being so helpful to you, right?

• Then it's anyone who gets too close or appears to like you romantically.

• Then it's anyone you spend too much time with which interferes with time meant for him.

• He's delusional, but in the practical sense.

• Think, "I'm doing this to protect him" , "Those people would hurt him eventually", "He's not safe on his own, he needs me to look over him." "The outside world will tear him apart."

• Stalks you 24/7. You are never without eyes on you but you also don't have a clue he's watching at first.

• After all he only steals things you haven't worn in months or you could chock up to misplacing.

• And he's a hunter so he specializes in stalking whether for food or in personal matters.

• You won't know he's there until it's too late.

• He'll make his move to kidnap you once you've essentially isolated yourself out of fear to those around you dying. He'll treat you gently during his kidnapping.

• Using his medical knowledge he'd give you anesthesia as you sleep and take you home.

• May remove an organ or two as souvenirs, treats if you will to add to his nest.

• Once you are in his possession he will add you to his nest and you'll wake up pressed firmly into his chest as he mumbles incoherently.

•If you ever try to leave he will make you pliant in anyway he can think of. He's not above physically harming you if that makes it so you can't leave him. He worked so hard to retrieve his mate and he won't lose you even if he has to hurt you or you end up hating him but you will stay.

Ben Drowned

• A lot like EJ he's also always watching difference is you are always overly aware of his presence.

• He wants you to know that he's watching. He wants you to interact with him. Even if that interaction is you yelling at him and begging him to leave you alone.

• He is 100% playing some sort of sick game with you that he knows you'll lose. Think you'll develop Stockholm syndrome before he even kidnaps you.

• If he ever leaves you alone for a few days you'd find yourself missing the teasing remarks and add ons normally added as you went about your day.

• All due to his tendency to drive people insane of which you are not immune but the trail of your insanity leading directly to his arms.

• He knows this and is overly cocky about it both to your face and to others. Think, "oh poor you, you love me, what an unfortunate situation." To your face the first time you fall asleep around him with a stupid sick grin or "I'm going to kill you and he's going to come to me for comfort and protection when he finds out." when talking to someone he's deemed bad for you.

• He wouldn't go on a murder spree without a trigger but then like Jack that'll devolve into killing anyone he disapproves of which is everyone else.

• He has a general distaste and distrust of people due to the nature of his creation and will find an excuse to kill anyone around you should his murderous intent be triggered which can happen in three different ways you're constantly distraught by someone, you start ignoring him to be around someone else, or you've failed to keep him entertained so he needed a more entertaining situation.

• Possesive with a capital P, if he does not know your precise location or have you within arms reach at any given moment he will lose it.

• Clingy but veiled with indifference. He'll act as if he doesn't care but insist on keeping some kind of contact at all times. Once he physically has you this would be physical contact and before hand just following you everywhere saying he doesn't have anything better to do.

• Will use psychological and emotionally harmful methods to keep you in line if you ever try to reject him or his advances but claims won't hurt you physically in anyway.

• His vice grip on you reveals otherwise though. Enough so to encourage you to go along with him.

Laughing Jack

• I feel he'd court you in cat-like ways. If you've been in his box more extravagant shows with him as the lead, carrying you around places. (Being weary to let you leave until he eventually stops letting you leave.

•Leaving you gifts that go from sweet to scary really fast. Think your favorite treats and then your loved ones' hearts carved from their chests so you never have to leave him again.

• He's the king of being delulu and reacts poorly to ungratefulness so do try your best not to scream or hit him when instead of cotton candy he has a loved one's head on a stick.

• You can try to gently coerce him to stop killing your loved ones in order to isolate you and making you stay forever/to let you go. But he'll say "you're being silly" and "here is where you belong you goofball of a boy. " covered in your loved ones blood as he ruffles your hair.

•The accidentally kill you for being ungrateful/not accept him and keep your corpse like your still alive type.

•Keep it lighthearted and the Jester is your friend. If you don't and mention troubles he'll fix them violently.

• Is constantly coddling and cuddling you.

• Since he was once a guardian angel and he believes his murdering of ungrateful children is God's work, he sees you as a present for all his good work.

• Like a child being gifted a puppy on Christmas.

• Bone crushing hugs and grips that bruise your skin and make it so it hurts to move but he acts like he didn't mean to and gets moody if you push him away or say he's hurting you.

• It's an act though, he likes seeing you squirm in pain and the expressions you make trying not to cry when he holds you.

• He thinks it's cute. He thinks you're cute when you're in pain.

• On a lighter note, he 100% is the type of clingy to hold your sleeve going places or to poke you (mostly) lightly in order to get your attention.

Homicidal Liu

•The softest in this lineup.

• I believe the term is dormant Yandere? Yeah. It is, because you wouldn't guess something is off until something starts getting between the two of you.

• You remind him of before his traumas, whether that be you look like someone who was kind to him before or upon first meeting you were genuine, honest, and kind. You make him feel safe and calm or as calm as Sully gets and he's never letting you leave him.

• He'd incorporate himself into your life truly getting close to you. Like this is months if not years long in the making. He becomes the closest person to you in your inner circle and you're the same for him. He plays the long game.

• You guys live together and you probably already like him the same way he likes you but both of you are too awkward to talk about it and Sully has been forbidden to say anything or Liu threatened to take his meds. Or you guys are in a long-term committed relationship already.

• Protective, possessive, and obsessive but fairly level headed. He is aware of the reality of the situation. Ie: his possessiveness is giving you his clothes and repetitive thoughts of "mine" during times of physical contact or seeing you in his clothes and needing texts or where you are, why you left, and when you plan on being back as well as if anything changes. He obsesses over your likes, dislikes, mannerisms, emotional cues, and interests so he essentially knows you even better than you do. Protective being watching over you as you sleep in situations where it's acceptable to do so and setting up security systems for the house.

•More likely to grab your arm or hug your knees and sob "please don't leave me" than he is to ever hurt you. The most agressive he gets is when Sully is fronting but even then the likelihood of him hurting you above holding you a bit too tight is 5% and reserved for extremely specific occasions which virtually don't happen. Ie: you find out he's a murderer and react too poorly in a way he didn't expect, you leave him cold turkey, you treat him poorly

• Clingy always needs some kind of contact most of the time this equates to holding hands/pinkies in public and ensuring the two of you are essentially attached at the hip. Though because he's entered your inner circle you just think it's because you two are close and that's the product of your closeness.

• His hunting turns into stalking and killing those who've been bugging you and you've talked poorly about whenever he feels his bloodlust bubbling over.

•'Cause if he kills people you've said that you wished would die or that you hate you'll be able to forgive or even praise him right?

• Unlikely to kidnap you unless he gets caught/found out then he'll probably relocate the two of you but he'd rather talk to you about it beforehand so it'd be a last minute emergency type thing. Or if you spend too much time away from him.

Jeff the Killer

• Doesn't play games of any kind. He'll observe you just long enough to learn about you, your schedule, who all knows you, and how frequently they check in. Then he'll remove obstacles and he'll just just take you.

• Impatient and the shortest fuse known to man.

• He's not afraid to hurt you in fact he enjoys it so the more perverted side of him wants you to push him and his expectations.

• The chain you up in a basement type

•He'll kill anyone involved with your life so when you beg him to let you go with tears in your eyes saying you have people waiting for you he can tell you with certainty that you don't. Not anymore. Laughing as he tells you and stroking/tugging at your hair.

• Degrading and mean to the point where you can't tell if he hates you or not. Uses pet names in a derogatory way as well.

• Pretty distant and cold even after you warm up to him and he lets you wander around a contained and highly surveillanced area, though it's probably just the torture basement he chained you up in to begin with.

•Most affection you'd get is a pat on the head or shoulder.

•Any other form of affection wouldn't really feel like affection.

•Wants to break you into a mindless doll essentially for him to love, use, and abuse. But the breaking you into it is very important to him.

• Will torture you severely for any mishap.

•The only way you can tell he's attracted to you beyond physically, is if he goes too far with the torture, when he's patching you up, or when he brings you something you like/he likes.

•Though he talks to you sweetly sometimes after you pass out and/or are slipping into unconsciousness. "You were made for me, sweet boy." "So good for me." It wigs you out though.

•you will feel like you live on eggshells as try your best to accommodate to him.

• you are most likely to go insane and learn to crave his mistreatment.

Ticci-Toby

• Delusional. He is convinced you and him are in love and have the white picket fence dream. Complete with a German Shepherd and two adopted kids.

• And because of the way his brain is scrambled once he starts thinking about you regularly he can no longer tell what really happened or what was a daydream.

• Hopefully he has a good enough grip on reality to have actually interacted with you before his delusions convince him that you need to be with him at all times and he kidnaps you.

• 'Cause if not he's going to be really confused as to why his boyfriend who told him this is what he wanted is freaking out to the point of needing restrained. You'll hurt his feelings and he'll probably successfully gaslight you into believing his delusions himself.

• Also the lock you up type but more in the paranoid of others stealing you from him way, so if it's not together you aren't going.

• Like Jeff he allows you to roam around a highly surveillanced and locked up area but unlike Jeff it's an actual house and not a basement.

• He will hole up with you for weeks until duty calls or the house runs out of supplies

• Very "I love him I love him I love him I love him" coded and needs you to be just as enthusiastic.

•The hurt you on accident and profusely apologize immediately after but loves how you look when you cry and tremble as he patches you up type.

• Think someone telling him something that insinuated his affections towards you didn't count so he grabs your arm and squeezes it as you try walking away, asking "Toby... you're hurting me." He says wide-eyed struggling for only a moment as his kidnapper/partner tightens his grip with steel cold eyes. "Tell me it counts. It counted right?" (may or may not be my first ex-core as in my experience based)

•He feels really guilty about it too and periodically he will be crying into your lap forcing you to comfort him after an outburst because he feels just like his dad and he hates it.

Tim/Masky

• Much like Homicidal Liu and Hoodie he is actively incorporating you into his life. Difference is he's trying to manipulate you into thinking he's the only one you can trust.

• Uses the White Knight Method, which in case you're unfamiliar is a highly efficient manipulation technique in which they solve your problems while unbeknownst to you being the source of said problems until you become obsessed with or fall in love with the "knight" protecting you.

• If you feel like someone is watching you, he's toying with you. In fact he'll probably show up shortly after from the opposite direction of where you think watching is coming from and ask you if you're okay. Revelling in the look of fear on your face as you gush to him about what's bothering you and promising to protect you as he walks you home.

•He'll sabotage your relationships by making you think that they're the ones who've been leaving disturbing gifts on your doorstep/trying to hurt you.

• It's very much so a game to him and you're the prize.

• He's the type to want to see every emotion you have to offer.

• He's also the likes when you smile and likes when you cry more type

• But his need for you to need him and seek him out basically nukes the previous headcannon and makes it so he settles for comforting you when as far as you know something/someone else made you cry.

•Essentially by the time he's done with you, you'd beg to never leave his side, for him to keep you close and keep you safe but you don't have to because that's right where he wants you.

Brian/Hoodie

• Stalker alert! He's watching you sleep and following you everywhere

•Also uses the White Knight method but he uses what would have been a one time scary occurrence and uses that occurrence as a scapegoat to make more situations/scenarios which isolate you and bring you closer to him.

• In fact, his protection is a gateway to you, his foot in the door.

•It starts with him stepping in when things get scary then you see him somewhere you frequent and you talk to him or he talks to you and numbers are exchanged.

• After of which you are his clearly. Obviously, you just don't know it yet.

• Then he starts staging more scary, making your loved ones hurt you/turn on you/are the culprit in a scary situation until he's all you have. Until you need him.

• Mans has hidden cameras all over your house.

•You know where most of them are after all it was his idea, he said it was for your protection. What you didn't account for is all the hidden cameras in the gifts he's got you.

• He's the quiet, doting, infantilizing type.

• As in he genuinely believes you are too small, weak, and pure to know any of his intentions and he treats you as if you have no clue about anything always. Babies you constantly at a gradually increasing weight until it's suffocating.

• He wants to lock you up and protect you.

• Gaslighting king, if you catch on or try to leave him he will gaslight you into staying.

• Think "Baby boy what are you even talking about everything I've done was for your protection and your protection alone. There's no secret cameras you don't know about you're being silly." Or "Sweet boy, I've never done anything you didn't want or need. I'm very intuned to your needs and you need me. You need to be protected, you aren't safe unless I'm near."

• So genuinely and heartfeltly said that you'd clearly be the bad guy for even thinking like that and with how deep he has you you'd believe him too.

[yandereaffections]

Jamari Blackwood (Ya’s Oc) Masterlist

The human embodiment of hard on the outside chewy on the inside Jamari-

Character description

Werewolf

Halloween celebration

Hunted Down

Coming back from the dead

Scary movies

Haunted House

S/o trying to escape their werewolf mate

Werewolf jamari with a s/o who always gets lost

Succubus S/o

Random HC

Werewolf HC

S/o whose hesitant to live with him due to taking care of their sibling 

S/o whose flustered by his voice

Gentle affectionate S/o

S/o collapsing due to the pressure put on them from their parents

Scared S/o whose constantly trying to escape

Friendly S/o who cant bring themselves to completely abandon their ex

Happy energetic S/os fun behavior suddenly stopping

Pastry Baker S/o

Trans FTM S/o

Taking care of Sick Male s/o

Pregnant S/o

Abused S/o whos afraid to get into another relationship

Darlings clingy and dependent 

S/o has a thing for his piercings 

Darling who bites as a love language

S/o who feels safe in his arms

Darling who likes to knit

Waking up to find S/o missing from bed

Waking up to find S/o having a break down on the floor

Goth darling

Distant S/o cuddles up to him in the middle of the night

Wearing his clothes

Playing with his hair

S/o feels second place to his ex

Cubby and innocent S/o

S/o who has never been in a relationship yet and is nervous

Cubby S/o

Yandere Alphabet: D,E,F

Arriving unbelievably late for Valentines date

Soft Spoken and shy S/o

Yandere Alphabet: H,I,U,W,Y

Deaf Darling

Waking up to find his S/o making a surprise breakfast

S/o who constantly goes to the hospital cause of a chronic illness

Darling with a Eating Disorder TW

Chubby S/o getting bullied but hesitant to tell

Darling who has a hard time expressing feelings

Finding a girl with amnesia in a alleyway

Celebrating your birthday 

S/o coming home drunk not recognizing who he is

How Jamaris low empathy manifests 

Falling asleep on his lap during a movie

S/os his yandere admirer 

Baby whose clingy

Narcoleptic S/o

Putting up a fight even after being kidnapped

S/o who talks, moves and walks in their sleep

S/o w/ a little sister trying to break up with him

Baby who reacts physically to intense emotions

Psychoanalyzing him

Yandere S/o not wanting a actual relationship, just wanting to admire from a distance

Childhood Headcannons

Finding Yandere S/os secret room full of photos of him

Breaking up due to figuring out theyre Aro/Ace

S/os the child of a mafia family

Kidnapped S/o breaking down, thankful that they dont have to stress anymore

Pressured into breaking up w/ Jamari

S/o w/ Temporary leg paralysis

Baby who becomes mute when stressed/scared

Yandere S/o kidnapping Jamari

Big male influencer S/o

Amputee S/o who hates their prosthetic arm

Find out Crush is being domestically abused

Baby loving how their attacker said “Knife, to meet you” before stabbing them

Blind S/o who doesnt want to be in a relationship and stay independent

S/o who died has a twin that looks just like them

S/o w/ PTSD

S/o w/ OCD

Walking in on S/o torturing someone TW

S/o who cant feel pain

Calling him “cuddle monster”

Possessive Headcannons

S/o w/ restless leg syndrome 

Helping darling sell their BL manga

Possessive S/o whos also been cheated on before

Being introduced to his family

Kidnapped S/o crying themselves to sleep every night

S/o sleeps on a giant teddy bear instead of a mattress

Darling liking to feel up his chest

S/o whose great at escape rooms

Darling whos not used to affection

How Jamari got his Scar TW

S/o whos allergic to the cold

Kidnapped S/o thinking hes going to kill them

Dead S/o coming back as a ghost 

S/o flinches due to their childhood 

Finding Yandere Male S/o covered in blood

S/o w/ Rejection sensitive dysphoria 

Traits Jamaris ex had that would set off his paranoia

S/o whos constantly stressed and control freak

Breaking his jaw in a escape attempt

Queer Platonic relationship with aromantic S/o

Autistic S/o worried to talk about their special interest 

S/o that squeezes his chest anytime they can

Begging for him to let you go

S/o got the flu

Fluff HC

S/o Calling jamari to save them from a horrible road trip w/ their mom

Kidnapped S/o attacking him whenever he gets close

What would make Jamaris mom disapprove of you

Clinging to Jamari, refusing to let go after hes been out on a job for awhile

Gamer S/o

Caregiver S/o

Comforting Baby whos having night terrors

Insomniac s/o

His family finding out about his captive s/o

Rejecting him out of fear of being apart of a pattern or being left for someone else

S/o has a coughing tic

Dealing with another flirting with him

Walking in to see s/o holding a knife to their throat TW

Kidnapping S/o whos on their period

Kidnapped s/o starts to dissociate a lot

Kidnapped S/o injuring him everytime he gets close

Jealousy HC

Daughter loves being w/ him

S/o whose a major sweet tooth with a bunch of filled cavities

Kidnapped S/o passing out due to fear the moment they woke up

Getting Jamaris mother to like you

Platonic HC

S/o saying “lol if you ever ask me again i’ll make sure you won’t be able to, tree trunk” when he asks them why their being so cuddly

Decora Kei/Kidcore S/O

Kidnapped S/o almost stabbing him in the chest

Jamari gets kissed by some random person and the S/O sees

S/o needs a video playing in the background to sleep

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts.”

“Sweetheart…what are you doing?”

“Shh, don’t cry. You’re safe with me.”

Touch starved S/o who constantly needs cuddles

How Jamari would pace your relationship together

S/o who has a ton of stuffed animals covering their bed

S/o whos basically the "what's this?" "affection" "disgusting- do it again" meme

Masochistic S/o

QPR with a aromantic S/o who wants to be roommates

Random HC about sweet boi jamari

How he would woo a closed off S/o whos like him

How jamari would react to the silent treatment

Baby whos terrified of storms

Talking his baby to sleep

Taking advantage of The Purge to get his baby

Haunted house

Weredog S/o

S/o got bit by a zombie

Zombie Jamari

Vampire Jamari

Dressing up in couples costumes 

Werewolf Jamari during The Purge

S/o thinking he loves them too much due to past trauma

Bumping into his childhood bestfriend darling

Baby w/ Glasses

Germaphobe S/o

Aro S/o being self conscious of their ‘non typical’ relationship

College student s/o

S/os friend acting as his wingman

Fast food worker S/o

Kidnapped Aro S/o

Artist S/o who constantly doodles him

Kidnapped S/o managing to constantly slip out the apartment

Kidnapped S/o doing what he says out of fear

Hero Prompt

Platonic Shape Shifter prompt

Platonic Hunted down

Kidnapped S/o wants to dress up in matching costumes

Werewolf Heat 

NS FW bits of HC

Jerking it to a picture of you 

Finding Darling dry humping his pillow 

Getting hard while cuddling 

S/o who has only fans/sells panties 

Male S/o teasing him 

NS FW hc

Car Sex 

[altermay]

Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse

Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.

Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”

Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.

Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.

Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.

Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.

The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.

Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.

If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.

I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.

But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”

Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.

Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do

Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.

These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.

Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.

Im so sick of it all

[clanofjones]

Ghosts of Our Days (GoOD) Masterpost

Warning: Spoilers for TMNT 2012 are afoot!

What is GoOD?

Ghosts of Our Days is a TMNT 2012 fanfiction written in tandem by myself and @theosb0rnway. It centers on Casey and Raph, features Rasey, and takes place during and after the Season 4 episode 'Requiem'.

It features several character deaths (it's TMNT so some aren't exactly static) and extreme violence. Characters swear, and allusions to child abuse are present, as well as homophobia and transphobia, both internalized and not. It also features the deterioration of mental health and sanity, in-depth murder plans, lack of self-care, and gender dysphoria. (This section is subject to additions and changes.)

Summary:

When the battle against Super Shredder goes fatally wrong and Raphael pays the price, Casey is forced to go into hiding while plotting revenge against his newest foe. Despite abandoning the turtles, April, and his old life for secrecy, he's not as alone as he thinks he is... or is that just his newfound insanity?

Where can I find it?

I publish all chapters on Tumblr and Ao3.

Ao3 (slower updates)

Chapter One: Shredded Heart

Chapter Two: Iced Iced Baby

Chapter Three: Best Laid Murder Plans

Chapter Four: A Lover's Desperation

Chapter Five: The Ugly and Casey Jones

Chapter Six: So You're a Ghost Now - A Tutorial by Hamato Raphael

Chapter Seven: Death, Like Truth, Is Entirely Relative

Chapter Eight: Meanwhile in Tokyo

Chapter Nine: A Better Life is a Boring Life (TW: References/implications of child abuse)

Chapter Ten: Sleep is not Listed in the Plan of Casey Jones

Chapter Eleven: Two's a Company, Three's a Crime (TW: Homophobic language, semi graphic descriptions of the murder of a cop.)

Chapter Twelve: Assault and Amaze (Sex scene, warnings are placed, so dw)

Chapter Thirteen: Fire in a Denny's Parking Lot at Three AM (Referenced sex, nothing happens)

Chapter Fourteen: Murder Masquerade

Chapter Fifteen: I Have A Foot But No a Head: What Am I?

Asks?

Asks for Oz and I are open! No spoilers or info on future chapters, so don't ask or we are legally and morally obligated to give you a response that is hilarious to us and infuriating to you.

Art asks are also open! Just adhere to the rules of common decency, we reserve the right to refuse a request. Scene redraws are encouraged and probably taking up a good chunk of our own WIPs. Don't be afraid to ask!

Anything Else?

Assuming you read/enjoy the fic, any sort of support would be greatly appreciated!

All chapters, art (by myself, Oz, and others), and additional content will be tagged under the tags ' Ghosts of Our Days ' or ' GoOD '

If anyone would like a tag list to be tagged in all chapters, let me know and I will make one!

I hope you enjoy our brain child! :)

[faggylilpunk]

Finnaly made a tumbler! Anyway, haiii! :3 i am albert, i am a punk dragon dino!

What to expect:

very leftist ideologies

Politics

16+ posts

A lot of photos of me and cass

Talk of crimes (anything serious will have a tw and be tagged appropriately)

Furry & therian content (tho less common)

Punk diy stuff (i plan to make some tutorials for a lot of the diy stuff I've made<3)

F-slur/T-slur (I am reclaiming them but will have them tagged as #f-slur and #t-slur if they bother you ofc! Not changing my @ tho, it kinda means something to me qwq)

I may post words like slut, whore, and other degrading terms, they will be tagged as said word (ex: #slut) so you can blacklist the tag ^^

I may talk about themes of self harm, violence, abuse, or explicit substances, all of which will also be tagged! (Ex: #selfharm #tw:selfharm) but i will also have a more descriptive trigger warning for heavy subjects like self harm, sa, abuse ect. If you dont wanna fully blacklist the tag ^^

Some of my patches will have things that fall under these^ o will likely not go through the effort of censoring and i might not tagg it unless it's fairly close up so if it really bothers you just block me ^^ no harsh feelings

This isn't a 18+ blog, nsfw pfps will be blocked to keep ppl safe, my cusion follows me

Do not interact if:

Nsfw pfp

Anyone else, feel free to argue and talk shit, i will put nazis, pedos, fascist, zionists, zoos, racists, and who tf else i hate in thier place or just block ya after trying lol

About me:

trans masc/enby person (gender bxy)

therian/otherkin identifying with a dinosaur-esk dragoniod (yes, I'm aware I am human -_-)

I am a plushum, meaning I have romantic and/or sexual attraction, twords plushies. I consider my bunny plush one of my partners bc i love them very much

Furry

Pansexual and arojump (under the aromantic spectrum)

I am diagnosed with autism, adhd, dyslexia and dysgraphia

Self diagnosed and peer reviewed with social anxiety, gender dysphoria (duh), bipolar disorder (not sure which one yet tbh but it's exstreamly obvious to my bipolar partner lol) and potentially dyscalcula but im not fully sure so take with a grain of salt

Mutual/social anarchist, i really wanna be able to set up a free market where I live one day

I am very vulture culture, frequently bring home dead animals to burry for respect and bones

Very left leaning if it isnt obvious enough

I've been called the f-slur & t-slur a few times. Now i call myself that because what ya gonna do if I already call myself those oh so scary words?

Im atheist and dont believe in any form of life after death but like I support yall having freedom of religion, pagens, Christians, Muslims, Satanists, like go for it, I just simply cant understand the idea of a greater purpose

I grew up where slurs were used casually. I have racist redneck family. Thankfully, I grew up to realize wtf is actually wrong with that side of my family ?-? You can break out of shitty thinking, there is no excuse for racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ect. Like get a life

I try my best to support, but we can only walk places, and we frequently eat outta dumpsters

More will be added as i think of stuff

[dilucsclaymoreandgrapejuice]

Introduction, Requests, Masterlist.

Call me Grape, I go by he/they ^^. I'm aroace and I like to write (English isn't my first language, I apologize for any grammar mistakes.)

I will only write my faves. [Diluc (Genshin), Mammon (OM), Artem (ToT), Sebastian (SDV).]

I only do x Male!Reader Fanfics (Oneshots).

I can also do headcannons ^^.

I can do fluff and smut (not explicit), preferably fluff.

AU's are okay, I might not write them well since I'm not used to writing AU's.

Might take long due to academics.

That's all, for questions feel free to message me. :)

Masterlist

[ 🍃 - Smut 🍂 - Fluff]

Diluc x Male Reader :

Others (Requested by my friends):

[varii-corvid]

Tw: transramcoa, detailed description of a psychotic break leading to a self endangerment episode, paraphilic shame, self gaslighting?

For me my transramcoa identity is about feeling broken and having no idea why and needing some kind of reason to justify my emotional pain and transdid identity. It also stems from hearing about other nonconsenting ramcoa survivors and experiencing exotrauma while feeling like I won't be taken seriously unless I actually feel it physically. Perhaps we're also dealing with the trauma of our last psychotic breakdown that lead to a self endangerment scenario and 2 self harm incidents in a delusional attempt for our system to escape our body or switch out, leading to amnesia during the helicopter ride to the hospital.

I don't want this pain but I hope I can go through it with a consenting partner to help sooth a lot of our pain through hurt comfort.

I know they won't hurt me too bad to the point of hospitalization levels of pain but our dark twisted mind wants this pain on a deeper level for some reason. It wants to be a DID system even with all the twisted agony that comes with it.

We want to be a system but also being mixed origin and mixed consciousness states between median and multiple. We're transtraumaendo and want a complex headspace and we want to feel the joy and pain of being plural again after feeling like we lost everyone (we may be deluding ourselves into thinking we ever left in the first place and maybe it was a mix of the antipsychotics and disassociation from the inner system).

I don't know who I am anymore....

I just want people to help carry the weight of this body...

And I miss knowing for certain I was plural..

our partner says it can notice our switches while I?(pretty sure we have a shared awareness that isn't partitioned at the moment but with noticeable emotional and cognitive differences between headmates) Am still conscious cause it lt feels and looks like body twitches and the body feels electrecuted while the world goes all wobbly for a bit but we can't internally tell who is switching due to lack of communication.

We're planning on having system keepers and omnicient protectors and a memory pool to be safe and help us manage passwords and sentries for the front/back. I know without system keepers we'd probably get lost far too often and it would be nice to have some guidance. (We're already noticing some minor disorientation but it's still not enough to make us lose track of our life).

We would love to still have emotion sharing and temporary merging with each other (in a Steven universe kind of way)

We're also still into willogenic headmate creation and shaping our own identities artistically

Our ultimate goal is to eventually become a healthy mixed dissociative system but the feelings of being a singlet cause us way too much dysphoria.

It doesn't matter how many friends this drives away... We want to be a transtraumaendo system

[0ak-leaf]

tw: uh....description of animal death??? (About want to hunt a bird as one of my theriotypes)

I love seeing the side if alterhumans/therians talking about the urge to hunt-

Because I feel like people mostly just talk about the parts that only help you with species dysphoria and everything. (Quads,gear-)

But- sometimes I wish I was a wild cat, hunting in the forest. Watching a bird try to catch and worm and 𝙥𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙚.

To catch the bird between my front paws and then finish it off with a bite of my fangs.

And then just. 𝙀𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩.

And after, purring in a satisfied way, licking the blood off my lips.

[toomanyoneshots]

My Girl - Dean x Trans reader

(TW for mentions/descriptions of dysphoria)

You brushed a little more powder across your face and slouched your shoulders a little bit more, but that didn’t seem to have any effect whatsoever. You huffed a bit and tossed the makeup brush onto the counter, running your hand through your hair.

“Babe, are you ready to go yet?” Your boyfriend Dean asked, sticking his head in through the door. He expression sunk a little bit when he saw your defeated expression.

“What’s wrong?” He said, walking over to you, standing right behind you.

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me. I know something’s wrong. What is it?”

“I don’t know, it’s just that… no matter what I do, I don’t… look right.” You said, exhaling loudly.

“What do you mean?” He asked softly, leaning down.

“My shoulders, my face… it’s all too… masculine!” You sniffled, a couple of tears starting to well up in your eyes. “I just can’t look like a woman, even though I try everything I can.”

“Shh, shh,” he whispered, turning you around, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his chest. He leant down a little and kissed the top of your head, rubbing your back. “Take deep breaths for me, okay, honey?”

“Okay,” you squeaked, trying to take deep, slow breaths. His hands massaging your back pacified you near instantly, combining with your deep breaths to calm you down. He pulled away from you and bent down, planting a soft, slow kiss on your lips. He turned you around so that you were both looking in the mirror, kissing your head again before resting his head on top of yours.

“When I look at you, do you know what I see?”

“What?” You whispered, your breaths still shaky.

“When I look at you I see the prettiest, most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen. I don’t see the remnants of your past self, I see the sweet, beautiful, absolutely stunning woman that you’ve blossomed into.”

“Really?” You sniffled, wiping a single tear off your cheek.

“Yes. (Y/N), you’re the cutest, sweetest, kindest, most beautiful girl I’ve ever known in my life and I wouldn’t exchange you for any girl in the world. I love you.” You turned around to face him, pulling him into a kiss, another tear streaming down your face, this one a tear of happiness.

“I love you too.”

“You’re my girl, (Y/N). Don’t you ever forget that.”

[simplythgirl]

BOOK REVIEW☆☆☆☆☆

I just got done with Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White and I really need a sequel or a series!!

If you're looking for a good dystopian horror/gore book with great lgbtq representation and a trans lead I totally recommend it.

So the book is set in a dystopian Future where a religious cult has released a disease that killed majority of the population or turned them into "Graces" basically horrifying man eating nonsters. The main character Benji who is a trans guy escapes the cult but only after the cult turns him into a bio weapon. He finds a group of survivors who are all LGBTQ+ they hold up at a LGBTQ+ center and were there when the world fell apart. The leader is a teen named Nick who is autistic and gay also really attractive to Benji but soon Benji can't know who to trust.

There's great suspense, world building, characters,the descriptions especially body horror are really vivid and amazing, the romantic moments are too cute. Allegories and criticism towards religión morals etc are pretty thought provoking. The characters are pretty likeable although I do wish the characters of color did more.

Nick's autism is really well represented and so is Benji's experience as a not necessarily passing trans man. The author is trans so he writes based on his experience which is why I think it seems so accurate. Benji also struggles a lot with figuring out what he believes since he was raised in such a radical religion which caused the end of humanity. It's heartbreaking and uplifting once he finally figures it out.

It doesn't fully demonize religion though. Other teens still maintain some kind of spirituality even teens who are part of the lgbtq+ community they just explore spirituslity differently than the norm which is really refreshing.

Please know that there's a lot of triggering stuff in the book too though. The author mentions it in his preface but I'll mention them here too just in case.

TW gore, body fluids, death, murder, graphic violence, transphobia, dysphoria, religious abuse, domestic violence, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, animal death, deadnamimg, torture, medical trauma, homophobia, emotional abuse, vomit, panic attacks/disorders, war, gun violence, death of a parent, gaslighting, death of a child, religiius bigotry, kidnapping, injury details, gun violence.

P.S Does anyone have book recommendations like this one because I feel like I'm going through withdrawal already 🥺

[manuscrypts]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀RULES

ᡣ𐭩 DO NOT INTERACT

if you fit the basic dni criteria ( racist, homophobic, sexist, zionist, hateful etc ).

you spread hate in any way , do not abuse my ask box with hate for me or other people , to spread rumors , hate on characters / writing — anything like that

if you’re under 18 , have a blank / ageless blog , spam like. I check my following often and will hard block anyone who doesn’t follow my rules

ᡣ𐭩 BEFORE YOU FOLLOW

I post and interact with dark content, if you don’t like that then scroll past or block me. I don’t care about your opinions on dark content , I tolerate zero hate toward it. all tw and cw will be tagged at the beginning of each post so please read those and curate your own online experience.

I share and post aged-up characters , so if you don’t like that then please block me and do not bring drama to my blog! all characters in my writings are age 21+ including the reader. respect others opinions on the subject , and do not engage if you share a different opinion , I will not get into this discourse.

I am a slow writer and only do this as a hobby , i’ll write when I want so please don’t rush me , I’m also trying to get better at writing so please excuse that

nearly all my posts are female / gender neutral oriented unless stated otherwise , I try to avoid reader descriptions as much as possible and tag everything accordingly — if I miss any tags please tell me!

I use the block button freely, you may get blocked for a number of reasons ; being hateful , being a minor / blank blog , spam like , associate with someone I don’t like , or I simply don’t feel comfortable around you. I break mutuals with hard blocks to avoid awkward situations , so please don’t take it personally!

I currently do not write anywhere other than tumblr , so please if you see any of my work anywhere else, tell me!

I don’t always take requests, but I am open to thirsts and general chit-chat in my ask box , so don’t be afraid to send an ask! if you send a request and I don’t write it but I write someone else’s , don’t take it personally , I just write what I find most interesting to me at the time <3

ᡣ𐭩 WHAT I WRITE

aphrodisiacs , anal , age gaps , breeding , breath play , bondage , cumflation , cum eating , cuckolding , corruption kinks , dubcon , dacryphilia , daddy / mommy kink , drugging (sometimes) , degradation , femdom , fisting , fear play , gun play , knife play , kidnapping , lactation , monsterfucking , noncon , pegging , pet play , power dynamics , praising , roleplay , stepcest , spitting , somnophilia , tentacle fucking , water sports , and more.

ᡣ𐭩 WHAT I WILL NOT WRITE

age play , anything involving animals , child abuse , eating disorders , extreme gore , foot fetishes , gender dysphoria , heavy drug use / addiction (heroin, meth etc) , high school student × high school teacher (college is fine) , suicide , stds , self-harm , scat , snuff , vomit , vore , and probably more.