#tw: trans issues relating to suicide

[gracebethartacc]

bunch of doodles/art of later events/next chapter my cccc fic from the past week :3€

First up is doodles of some concepts for the next chapter !! (Being post RoE)

the idea of Mind crying for the first time entirely alone off screen just because he’s so worried about Soul and Heart simultaneously and also just from feeling betrayed just breaks me to think about

like the concept he’s worried for Soul because Heart is violent/just tried to shoot him, but he’s also worried for Heart because he knows Soul is going to punish them in some way and for once he doesn’t know what’s going to happen he has no clue if either of them are ok and he’s just Alone and in pain and is just sitting there waiting and hoping for the best and he finally gives himself a moment to show emotion and he’s entirely alone when it happens and. Just. Fuck I love thinking about Mind so so so much. he was definitely mentally kicking himself for doing it also btw. if it’s not obvious I’m very excited that I’m finally at the stage of the fic in which I finally get to do character study stuff :)

anyway! Here’s ones I did last night specifically related to this detail of my soul design: (HEAVY TW FOR SUICIDE ATEMPT)

I love how Soul is the embodiment of identity and the self and yet keeps straying further and further from Whole both in terms of remembering him as well as the concept of being Whole/human and it absolutely HATES it !!!!! I love dissecting my characterization of it it’s definitely my favorite jash to write as much as I love Heart my love for identity issues and trans allegories is stronger sorry

Everything turned out ok in the end <3 peace and love on planet HMS (off topic but I love the idea Heart and Mind show opposite expressions to what you’d assume, like Heart is more downtrodden/pessimistic while Mind is the one being more optimistic/comforting, I just like it, character arcs and all that youknow? )(plus Mind and Soul friendship is my new favorite thing in the word after brainstorming the post RoE chapter more)

[nahualnextdoor]

Character Analysis for Shitpost's Sake (long post; tw suicide discussion):

A funny haha, a whimsy silly image. Something I did in like 10 minutes...

Well behind the scenes I spent an entire night dissecting every episode and book paragraph in my head just to see what box fits what character (I take my silly guys very seriously and my shitposts should represent their characterizations accurately otherwise I'll kill myself).

So, here we go.

Active suicide risk: (literally anyone except Cleo and Six)

-Resus: Pretty obvious and intuitive in my opinion. Our favorite trans allegory emo boy that literally sleeps in a coffin. Hates pretty much every aspect of his life, thinks he's a disappointment to his family simply for existing (and sadly kinda is), and is pretty much fine with death as a whole (most of his friends already went trough it, after all).

-Luke: This one was also pretty obvious in my opinion. While not as clear cut or active as Resus, there was this one time where he decided to banish himself to the Underlands, no hesitation, as soon as he found out (or rather was made to believe) he attacked his parent. He's very often ostracizing himself over his lycanthropy hurting those around him, and for the major part of the book series he believed himself to be a burden for his parents. (Also he has like. Zero sense of self-preservation, at least in the tv show).

-Luella: Oh boy. Where do I begin with you girl. Just her living situation alone is sad enough, add in her attachment issues, her lack of control over her emotions, her crush on a guy that treats her... horribly, and her lack of any meaningful friendship in her life up until she became bffs with Cleo in s2. Honestly I'm just glad that by the end of s2 she's mostly content with her life the way it is, but still... at least on the episodes before she got her shit together, I'd say she's kinda worrying.

-Dixon: Yeah this guy's life is just hell lol. I'm not really getting any suicidal vibes out of him, but it is more than plausible.

10/10:

-Cleo: She's just... I love her 🙏🙏 Badass, one of the most interesting characters of the tv show in my opinion, autistic as fuck (they all are, but she's the one I relate to the most), curses the entire town in order to fix her problems and is pretty much happy despite being in an eternal sisyphean cycle.

Needs to retake the am I gay quiz:

-Resus: self explanatory I think. He really needs to get his shit together because I just cannot tolerate when he's all over Luella "oh luella I need your help with this spell and also brain drain dumped me in a wet cardboard box and killed my grandma 🥺🥺" and then going "well thanks for nothing, fuck u and ur stupid useless magic, also even tho we're nothing I will get all possessive over u at the slightest possibility of u liking Luke hey can we kiss to save the world btw" She deserves so much better than him omg. Boy you're queer!!! Leave her alone and just stay with the werewolf!!!

Cannibalised first in plane crash scenario:

-Resus: I just thought this was funny lol

Adderal prescription ASAP:

-Luke: Also pretty self explanatory. Lycantrophy is the magical equivalent of autism and adhd in this universe, I don't make the rules. Both in the books and in the show he's shown having a hard time focusing on class, finding it easier to just focus on his videogames. He spends hours playing on his console, to the point of ignoring his baisc needs, and is pretty hyperactive in my opinion, at least in the show. Really I wish they'd bring back the idea of Eeafa (or maybe even Luella) figuring out a potion or spell to help him manage his wild side, wich, to me at least, is not only his wolf self, but all of his neurodivergent tendencies in general (basically it would be magical meds that makes you have more control over the wolf form on top helping you study).

Missing person:

-Pretty much all the other kids from the books but I choose Kian because he's kinda the one that has the most relevance and the only one with an available image on the internet that is not a 3 pixels wide scan on the Internet Archive (still love them tho). He could potentially be on active suicide risk once he gets old enough to understand what happened to his parents tho, but thinking about that for more than 5 seconds makes me cry so I prefer not to.

And that is basically it! Thank you for listening to my ramblings and analysis of these silly little guys that keep rotating on my head like rotisserie chicken ballerinas. Next will probably be my still pending character analysis for why I assigned the slimes I did on my slime rancher post.

[a-teacup-of-golden-cracks]

tw this is a trauma post but it's also a narrative I'm proud of. Suicide and self harm (mental and physical) will be mentioned.

To help those who aren't me understand, I think in part in references since it is both easier and more fun than creating original thoughts.

(1): reference to the videogame Omori

(2): reference to the movie The Dark Knight (take a guess as to why I like and relate to the joker)

(3): reference to a song I like (in order, HOPE by NF, Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park, Love the Subhuman Self by AISHA, Arc System Works, and Jamison Boaz)

(4): a random saying I heard and enjoyed

“No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes. No one knows what it's like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies”

“Behind blue eyes” by The Who

Welcome to the nonsensical abyss of my mind, you've been here as long as you can remember (1). By reading this you're getting to see my thoughts without translation. Nothing here makes sense to anyone except me, I make references others rarely understand. But allow me to tell the story of how what you see now came to be. You wanna know how I got these scars (2)? “I spent years of my life holdin’ on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred, years of my life wishin I was someone different looking for some validation.” (3)

Middle school was a special sort of subtle hell for me, it stole things without me noticing. First it was my feeling of impervious safety when a kid laughed at a genuine heartfelt remark I made. Then it was my trust that friends would never betray me and always respect me when they wouldn't stop making jokes at my expense. Slowly, steadily I descended into paranoia and loneliness, and thus my contentedness with life was stolen. The ax forgets yet the tree never does(4).

A secret hidden issue that I only found out this year was that the ADHD meds I needed to take to function may have been causing the paranoia to start with. I still don't know how to feel about that, that all my issues and trauma might stem from something that's not even real.

Once I started high school it became more and more apparent that nobody liked me. At least not for very long. I never learned to function in middle school so I was still struggling with what everyone else already knew and mastered. Giving a compliment and sexual harassment, would you like to know the difference? I would've but nobody told me until after I'd been punished.

Intent vs impact, I never intended to hurt anyone yet my impact was that I did more often than not. So I cut off the things that hurt people, removed them from my mind. Who needs humor? Not me if I can't use it right. Who needs to give compliments? Not me if I can't say it right. Who needs to hug people to show affection because it's your primary love language and you want to show everyone how much you like and appreciate them? …… not me…. if I must…. to not hurt them…

You see where my inner pain starts now? Where the scars in my mind begin? There were two things I could never bear to cut and slice away, my name and my kindness. Most trans people change their names to align more with their gender but I decided no. I am done changing things for other people to accept me more, they never do. My name is Daniel and it's the sum of my entire being. If I am non-binary, or a woman, or some eldritch horror that everyone fears and that has lost every shred of humanity because of the things I've endured, then my name represents all of that. It's not my issue if people make a poor assumption about my name because of what they think it should be.

Maybe I don't even want to be human anymore if all that humans have shown me is hate. All throughout high school it was nothing but hate or dislike shown to me, barely any kindness outside of my family. So I isolated myself from everyone, to avoid those who hated and to not burden my family with my issues. I'd handle it by myself like I always had in the past and I'd be ok.

I was not ok.

I was rageful. I was tearing myself apart more and more and more internally, only my desire to never hurt anyone kept me from tearing the school down brick by brick with all the students inside it. But maybe… could it be I was the exception and the problem? Could it be I'm the one who deserves to hurt for the pain I've caused? Should I hurt myself? And so I tried once, a good solid punch to the forehead that didn't make me feel any better and never tried again.

The pain I deserved wasn't physical, it was mental and so I gave myself infinite mental pain. What an idiot I was for giving that compliment when clearly in retrospect it was sexual harassment, what a dumbass I was for saying that joke, looking back I deserve to lose my entire friend group over it. Maybe I'd be better off if I didn't exist anymore if I caused more harm than good and could never seem to learn or improve. The thoughts I had then… and sometimes still now… it's so hard to remember that looking into the past makes everything obvious in the worst ways possible…

But there was a light eventually, someone who told me all that was wrong. Someone I met online and will never see in person, someone I messed up horribly with and yet she still forgave me. Thank you infinitely June. You showed me that monsters can be good.

So I steeled my resolve and used my rage at myself to look inward and outward and found that I was being mistreated and misunderstood. I shouldn't kill myself to not exist or hurt people because I would improve and I could make others improve. So I stood at the very last meeting in front of the whole school and spoke the truth of my mind with as much respect and rage as I could muster. So much pain and anger and hate and sadness I'd endured and I showed all of it to the entire high school of 300 people.

I've never felt more satisfied in my life than when the headmaster of the school himself asked if there was anything he could do for me and I said no. I've never felt more proud when I met with him two days later and asked for a neurodivergent support group to be created for the middle and high school, and he said yes. Half a year later my brother told me that the headmaster stuck to his word and did more than I asked. I never felt more vindicated than when I was told by my only friend that he'd heard people making school shooter jokes after I stood up and told my story.

And so I started to heal. My humor, I did need that. How could I be happy if I could never make myself laugh? My desire to give joy and be kind, I needed that. How could I not fulfill the purpose in life I'd made for myself? My ability to hug and love and be happy with others, I needed that. Desperately. “I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real, like there was somewhere I belong.”(3) I just needed to find better people who understood. I reconnected with my family and told my pain and tried in every possible way to show how sorry and sad I was for cutting them off. I couldn't stitch the old bits back onto me but maybe I could grow something new. Something I wanted and I loved, for me.

I can never fully heal, that's why you see the holes in my form, but I've incorporated them now, so that they help me as much as they hurt. I carry on and love my subhuman self, accept me for me and go back to being with humans (3). I give them the kindnesses I can but only after I do that for myself. This is the kindness and respect I give to me, the biggest change I made, because I deserve it as much as everyone else. Now close your eyes and you'll leave this dream (1).

“But my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.”

Behind Blue Eyes by the Who

[sweetmage]

SweetMage's DA Writing Prompt List

Hi! I am making this little prompt list in anticipation of joining the Dragon Age Drunk Writing Circle. Below the cut you'll find all of my OCs/Ships (platonic, romantic, and familial), some TWs and disclaimers, and some sample writing prompts but feel free to come up with some of your own prompts or ask me for more info! :) WARNING: There are some 18+ prompts!

Things with ❤ are preferred this week! Characters:

❤ Edan Cousland | Inquisitor!Edan Cousland Garrett Hawke (purple mage) | Inquisitor!Garrett Hawke ❤ Anders (and Justice) Sebastian Vael Ser Roderick Gilmore (loosely based on the NPC companion mod but with my own characterization/HCs) Niall (from the Circle Mage Origin/Fade Quest. Will write him post-DA2 in an AU where he survived mostly!) Meeran (DA2 mercenary leader. Will probably write him in my dystopian/cyberpunk AU version of DA2)

Romantic Ships (SFW or NSFW is okay!):

❤Purple Mage M!Hawke/Anders ❤Edan Cousland/Ser Roderick Gilmore ❤ Celestine (non-Hawke OC)/Sebastian Purple Mage M!Hawke/Anders/Justice Niall/Orsino (Post-DA2, both alive OR during DA2 where Niall is sent on an assignment from the Kinloch hold)

Platonic/Familial Ships (SFW Only):

❤Anders & Edan Cousland ❤Purple Mage M!Hawke & Any of the DA2 cast ❤Anders & Varric (DA2 or DAI time period) ❤Garrett & Marian Hawke (twin!Hawke AU) ❤Garrett and/or Anders & their son Victor (AU where trans!Garrett/Anders had a biological son during DA2 act 2) Edan & Any of the DAO or DAA cast Inquisitor Edan & any of the DAI, DAO, or DAA cast Inquisitor Hawke & any of the DAI or DA2 cast Orsino & Anders

Sample Prompt Lists: Please do not request: Not used to freedom, preventative measures not taken, reopening an old wound. I have gotten many of these!

*Starred prompts may contain triggering angst content * Bad Things Happen Bingo Card [SFW Angst] ❤ * Old Whumptober Prompt List [SFW Angst] ❤ Domesticity/Intimacy [SFW/NSFW Ship] Old Sicktember Prompt List [SFW Hurt/Comfort] Old Platonic Flufftober Prompt List [SFW Fluff] Old Flufftober Prompt List [SFW Fluff or Angst] ❤ Multi Category Smut Prompts (Vanilla, kinky, goofy, etc.) [NSFW Smut] ---

TWs and Disclaimers:

- Fics about Edan may contain references or depictions of his lyrium addiction and resulting cognitive decline (memory issues, hallucinations, confusion, etc.) as that's a big part of his character. - Fics about Roderick may contain mention of PTSD and past torture (mental/emotional/SA) at the hands of Rendon Howe as that is a part of his story. - Fics about Anders might contain mention of self-harm, past abuse, and suicidal ideation

Like To Write:

- Trauma and/or Healing ❤ - Mental Illness Related Hurt/Comfort ❤ - Sappy Smut ❤ - Silly/Awkward Smut - Hurt/Comfort Smut ❤ - Sweet/Romantic Scenes - Domestic Life in Tough Situations (long distance like Edan/Ser Gilmore, Fugitives like Anders/Garrett, etc.) ❤ - Hurt/Comfort ❤

Prefer Not To Write/Won't Write:

- Anders Demonizing/Anti-Anders sentiments such as rivalmance, abuse from Hawke, death ending, him 'ruining' Justice, etc. (him facing opposition from characters like Fenris, Sebastian, various NPCs, etc. is 100% okay though!) - Non-Canon Major Character Death (near death, Hawke/Warden in the Fade, or non-companion canon deaths like Leandra or the Cousland family are okay though!) - Gratuitous Physical Torture - Second Person/Character x Reader - Modern AU/Coffee Shop AU/College AU or anything similar

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

dear lord. TW for mentions of transphobia and related topics.

My mom told me that she wanted to watch a documentary with me, one that she had been hearing a lot about. She said it featured a man who's name she couldn't remember, going all over the country asking people what a woman was. And shockingly, people were so rude to him! He just wanted to know what a woman was. And apparently it was very controversial. for context, I am closeted and genderfluid, though biologically female.

Hearing this, I assumed it would be something interesting; maybe something about how women are perceived, how the idea of a 'real' or 'proper' woman has changed over the centuries/millennia, maybe a dash here and there about societal norms, social constructs, etc.. I expected maybe a bit about trans women as well- nothing negative, just a discussion on womanhood etc., what they as trans women believed alluded to being a woman, since trans women are women, yet they have a different experience with womanhood from cis women.

The documentary turned out to be "What Is A Woman" by Matt Walsh. I quickly realized that oh, this was going to be NOTHING like what I hoped for. Just from watching the trailer and reading the descriptive language in the summary made it clear that this guy wasn't looking for a deconstruction of gender as a whole. The amount of misgendering in this film was appalling, first of all, and I noticed inconsistencies within how he acted on the documentary and how he appeared on things like Dr. Phil.

In this documentary, throughout most of it he seemed to take on the stance of 'guy trying to ask an innocent question sets off liberals and feminists'. He uses humor and the use of a 'calm and collected' attitude to appear like the bigger, correct person. But he seemed especially aggressive in the clip of the Dr. Phil episode he showed, not a man who 'just wants to know the truth', but a man with strong opinions and no respect for the people he was conversing with- a theme I noticed in the interviews as well.

Obviously, I could go over the many poor comparisons he made, such as 'what if I told you I was a black man' etc.. I could also point out that he seemed oh so confused when he was called an asshole at the women's march, even though he was told several times to go away, he visibly made people uncomfortable, and even brought a megaphone to shout at people.

Instead, I raise a counterpoint; what is a man? And, more importantly, why do you give a shit? And yes, again, I could go on about how in this documentary and in conservative media in general, they're extremely fond of describing puberty blockers as 'pumping our kids full of drugs/hormones'. So he could argue that he cares because of the children. But the fact that there's loads and loads of proof that trans kids who don't get proper care will and have committed self harm/suicide? Heck, looking at the bigger picture outside of gender... if it really was all about the children, wouldn't he also be making documentaries about the hundreds of other ways that kids are being harmed by our society?? School shootings, poor healthcare, poor/no access to mental health services, the rise of mental health issues as a whole, etc..

But nope, it's all about the leftists 'carving up' kids.

I will admit, I still have to do some of my own research on a few topics mentioned, like the bit about John Money etc.. But overall, I gotta say that I was not a fan of this documentary. Bonus- I doubt he got consent from the tiktokers featured in the film to actually use/show their tiktoks.

Anyways, trans women are women, and trans men are men. <3 love y'all, sorry this was so long. i have a lot to say on the topic.

[milkolya]

i feel like oversharing on this fine friday morning abt whats going on in my life. if you read this, thank you 💖 i know we tumblr gays are all going Through It at any given moment, and the solidarity has always helped me cope

(TW suicide) (with details)

last week my grandfather on my mothers side killed himself by jumping out the 12th story window of their apartment building in russia. he'd been fighting esophageal cancer for approximately 4 years. he was 70 years old. he definitely had some issues, some trauma or mental health struggles, you know, SOMETHING, that led him to excessive drinking and smoking for the vast majority of his life. like, he wouldnt have had cancer if he actually took care of himself you know? its his vices / coping mechanisms that caused it. and once he started getting treated, he didnt have it in him to change his lifestyle to make the treatments worth anything.... he continued on drinking and smoking and eating sugar by the spoon (another cause of the cancer is poor diet) and even insisted that he would die if he gave up any of those things. id get in trouble if i used the "alcoholic" word around my family but they were watering down his wine behind his back when my parents visited in 2021. like come on. and even at 70, he still outlived all of his siblings, all of which died from alcoholism related causes afaik. he just... he was clearly suffering, and in classic russian fashion, he kept everything bottled up forever, never made any effort to get better, and one day when sitting down to do his bills he decided you know what, i dont want to do this anymore.

thats what happens when you dont address problems!!!!

obviously its heartbreaking but its also incredibly frustrating for me. i was super suicidal as a teenager and my mother did NOT take it seriously, she told me that it was "normal" and everyone experiences it (including her). now in retrospect i understand that she was trying to help me and comfort me, that that thought must have helped her, but like. its not normal... and its pretty fucked up that ive been suicidal, my mother has been suicidal, and now my grandpa (her dad) killed himself. he fucking killed himself!!!! what the fuck!! and i continue to be the ONLY PERSON in my ENTIRE FAMILY who tries to seek help through medication and therapy and just like, at least fucking acknowledge that we have hereditary fucking issues in the form of trauma and mental illness.... its just a mess.

and of course my mother and grandmothers top concern is What If Hes Not In Heaven. cause suicide is a sin. cause thats what we should be focused on ?!?!? sigkapfilwkflamcnwgkqj . it makes me want to scream.

ive just been surrounded by suicide my whole goddamn life and i wish it would end. my close friend attempted when i was 15 and i had no fucking clue what to do. multiple others i was close to at school were struggling with similar thoughts and urges, including myself. we were all desperately trying to hold eachother together, you know? far too much to handle for a bunch of kids. and then i went to uni, and my new friends there had similar issues, and in 2nd year, one of them did kill themself. they took their fathers gun and they shot themself in the head. and did my mother help me feel better? only until i mentioned suicide. once that was out there, there was ZERO sympathy, just judgement, and dismissal of their struggles. which really, really hurt me. because they were trans, and they couldnt handle how harsh this world is towards us, and obviously i really related to that sentiment.

like, i understand my grandpa too. i dont... i dont blame him personally? i dont even really blame my mother personally, when it comes to these kinds of issues. sometimes i will get mad at her about specific interactions but at the end of the day its russian society that made both of them this way. its so deeply ingrained. i just wish i could have helped my grandpa and i wish i could help my mama now but i cant. i can barely help myself.

and ive had to take time off work because i cant fucking focus and i just keep crying all the time and my brain is a foggy mess. and i dont know how to keep going. when will i feel better? i need to get back to work. will i be able to do that??

when my friend died... well, i call them my friend, but we were not close or anything. they were one of my good friend's roommates. we did talk occasionally and were on friendly terms. it just feels wrong to say "acquaintance" or something like that. i didnt process their death in a very timely manner. its weird but common, i think. about 2 years after it happened i started getting triggered by any content with suicide by gun. surprisingly common in media lol. folks love to hold a gun to their head on tv!! (side note: first movie i ever watched with my now fiancee, it was get out and when the guy shoots himself suddenly at the end i had a full blown fucking meltdown lmaooooooo so embarrassing it was like our 3rd date and the night of our first kiss)

idk why it took 2 years for that to start happening, i guess that was just my processing time. and then it took another two years or so to sort that out in therapy and im finally okay again and i can watch stuff with guns and suicide and not freak out. but now im scared of how this thing with my grandpa is going to affect me and how long thats going to last. i just want some peace and quiet :(

if u read all that, thank u. maybe give this a like to let me know. ive been deleting my vent posts a lot lately so idk if i will keep this up. my friends have been lovely and supportive, theres just not much anyone can really say to make it better. so it feels more comfortable to do a massive vent post like this thats optional to engage with. and ive always aired out my personal business on here so it feels right hehe.

[theblackestvalkyrie]

GUIDELINES AND RULES

I used to have a schedule and post on Monday & Friday with weekends scattered but that was too constricting for my mental health and creativity. I write when I want, how I want, on the topics I’m interested in and having an audience is a nice bonus.

                                     GUIDELINES

I haven’t written fanfiction/stories in 5 years due to plagiarism and personal issues related to my mental illnesses and during that time I have collected literally hundreds of ideas and needed somewhere to dump them. Angst is my specialty and I write a lot of villain-centric/sympathetic stories so sometimes the villain wins so many of my stories will have a trigger warning (tw). If things like suicide, depression, character deaths, etc are things you don’t want to read then skip them.

I am also a csa (and other categories of abuse) survivor and while there will be no underage/”dead dove do not eat” content on this page (examples of exceptions would be Peter Parker x reader who is the same age as him), many of my stories I write to channel my trauma.

I mostly write things that I would want to read or can’t find in other fics. That being said I do have a list of things I do and don’t write. Some things are not up for debate so don’t bother asking.

IN THIS NEW AGE OF AN OVERLY SENSITIVE TUMBLR, I WOULD LIKE TO KINDLY REMIND EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ANYTHING TABOO OR TRIGGERING THEN BLOCK THE TAG “TABOO”.  

THIS BLOG IS 18+ FOR A REASON. ONLY YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO CLICK ON AND VIEW ALL CONTENT ON MY PAGE.

I DO NOT WRITE:

White Characters. Do not ask me why repeatedly, request it, and demand it. Put plain and simple, almost every story on Tumblr (and everywhere else) has a white character by default and I want a place where black fans can see themselves reflected in fanfiction. That being said, I welcome everyone from all walks of life to read my content and some fics may be race-neutral or actually white which will be properly tagged.

Fake texts or reactions. I feel like they’re great forms of writing for other people but for me personally, it’s a lazy way to write so I won’t be doing them right now. I may in the future and at the moment I am trying to practice other forms of writing.

FAT/PLUS SIZE, MALE, OR GENDER-NEUTRAL CHARACTERS. I don't have any interest in writing for characters that aren't female plain and simple. There are several talented writers who you can look to for this content but I am not one so don't request it as it will be ignored. As for writing fat/plus-size characters, I will not budge on that as I am suffering from an eating disorder (currently relapsed) and don’t feel comfortable doing so in any capacity.

Ships (of any kind). (Ex: Dean Winchester & Castiel – Supernatural)

Crossovers.

Badfics/parody fics.

Song Fics/Requests.

Poetry Fics/Requests.

Bestiality. (exceptions can be made ex: monsterfucking, A/B/O fics)

Amnesia. (some exceptions can be made)

AU fics. (only certain types)

Genderswap.

MPREG.

Trans male/female anything. Don’t ask. Failure to comply will result in your asks being deleted and will get you blocked

I DO WRITE:

Soulmate AU’s.

Pregnancy.

Angst/Fluff/Smut. just the usual fics

Noncon/Rape.

Challenge fics. (fics based on Tumblr posts, funny pictures, etc where I challenge myself to make them into stories)

Gore/Death/Murder.

Pregnancy fics.

Mentally ill/Disabled Readers. (Upon request)

Suicide/Suicidal readers.

Underage Smut/Relationships. Absolutely no children. I do not take these kinds of fics lightly. I will write for characters like Peter Parker tho

Specific Kinks. See the 'Taboo Masterlist' for specific kinks

Incest. 

Threesomes (sometimes orgies). Must be reader-centric

Poly Relationships. These are always reader focused and not the other characters with each other

Lesbian/Bisexual/Pansexual Relationships.

RPF (Real Person Fiction). This only applies to certain people and I will let you know upon request

                                          FANDOMS

My fandoms are ever-changing. To see a full and complete list please see the pinned Masterlist post which is constantly being updated.

              AO3 & FF.NET

I do have accounts under archiveofourown.org and fanfiction.net and while I do use a separate pseudonym, I do post full detailed stories (ff.net not so much anymore). I will have a link to my ao3 account in the description and when I post stories I will post a preview or sample of my work with a link so you can read them if you want. Keep in mind that my fics on ao3 are also 18+ and the same rules apply except for requesting stories. I don’t take requests on a03 or ff.net but I do on Tumblr. I will be using the hashtag “#ao3previews”.

                                                 RULES

Don’t ask me when I am updating. As I mentioned above, I will post erratically.

RPF (Real Person Fiction) is a work in progress. That’s probably going to be one of the last kinds of stories I’ll write here so if you want them please be patient.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, DON’T READ IT. If you message me to complain about the content I'm telling you right now I don't give a shit. I definitely won't respond.

I don’t really do tag lists anymore. I like the freedom of only having to write for myself and having people choose to read it.

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK. This is one of the reasons why I stopped writing anything at all but I have since learned how to properly doxx someone so please don’t be an asshole and steal my work or I will find you. Also, please notify me if you see my work anywhere else on Tumblr or any other platforms. I will only post on this account on Tumblr unless otherwise stated!

               ~~Xiomara~~

[boiledbonestbh]

This is a small rant post, if you relate I am sorry. This situation sucks.

This isn’t meant to be some “Hit ViRaL” post or whatever, it’s just some place for me to rant my thoughts without anyone irl finding it.

Tw - Transphobia. Mentions of Suicid@l Ideation

If you are sensitive to these topics, I would recommend skipping this post.

I hate being trans being in a transphobic household. The amount of bigotry I have to hear from my parents, the people who made me, is beyond disgusting. It never fails to break my heart.

When I was outed to my mother, she had sent me repeatedly DeTransition videos on Facebook, on how they were conditioned by the left to transition and how they regretted their decisions.

She had even threatened to take away everything until I was “de-brainwashed” from “the woke agenda”

My dad even increased his jokes against Trans Folk, calling random people “tr@nnys” which I was subjected to hear.

I think when I did convince my mom that I was no longer trans, my suicid@l ideation just had gotten worse. That I was somehow better off getting sent videos of people regretting their transition.

Only my siblings accept me, and I love them for it. It reminds me that it’s not all bad, and when I was in High School, it was the most freeing I had ever felt. I was happy. People called me Ajax, referred to me with “He/Him” even if my teachers slipped up, I never thought it was on purpose, I would gently correct, and they would be receptive to it.

Then I graduated. It felt like a carpet was ripped out from under me, and I wanted to cry.

Only my siblings would refer to me as Ajax, but even then, I’m called the family Nickname for me, and referred as “The Sibling” which is better than the little sister but sometimes it sucks.

I want to be referred as an Uncle, a younger Brother. It still hurts, there is a photo at my Brother’s wedding in a dress, I know my brother and my Brother in law were looking out for me and not putting me in a suit, but I really wanted to wear a suit at their wedding.

It’s too late for that now, but whatever.

Okay, this is over.

Just my personal issues.

[berrie-black]

Title (TW: Slight mention of suicidal ideation, queer discourse)

I used to be in a friend group that honestly made me sad and uncomfortable on Discord. It was quite negative, kinda toxic, and kinda dramatic. I honestly felt scared to share my opinions cuz of how exclusionary this group was. One person there felt the same if my memory is working right.

Two of my "friends" there talked about how they couldn't support nonbinary people because they can never understand them, and one of those two constantly talked about how he hated xenogender people and, if I remember correctly, hoped they died, even comparing them to people who claim to be trans-transgender (basically people who cosplay as a trans woman or man while being born that same gender). (I can get not supporting it and seeing it as nonbinary/genderqueer lite, but to go as far as to actively hate it or further is just... not it.)

One of them who I actually felt safe around (probably because I kinda related to them) was actually pretty decent. The only thing they did was defend exorcism once, which I don't mind if practiced safely and without the intention to replace professional help or to convert an immutable characteristic of someone.

This group was also supportive of some things like me being trans-femme among mental issues I will not make public as it's very personal. It was a vent server I was in, but that wasn't really part of it that much. It did also give me a friend I had to constantly talk out of suicide, but that's not related as he was not in this group.

Overall, I share my story to say that, although it can be hard, moving on and leaving a toxic friend group gets better with time. It's been a few months since leaving mine. I still wonder if they dislike me for my farewell. That era of my life, I was quite submissive and didn't know how to disagree that well, but later, around the time I left, I learnt to be more abrasive (kinda suddenly changed personality completely, as if I merged with someone else), so I was different to what they were used to of me. I do not regret my decision to be honest, and I'm glad I gained the bravery to leave. It gets better, and don't be scared to leave if it's too much. <3

[minheeskitten]

Vent post. Dont read if you dont want to see the following.

Tw: Dysphoria, Negative self talk. S/h ideation. Asexuality talk, arospec talk, queer struggles. suicidal ideation

Something about being on the asexual specturm.

I have the thoughts. I want to be able to write more of them.

But i always feel i write smut best when horny, you know?

Except i dont get that way often, so my reach massively drops every time i stop posting

I do love writing but the asexuality can make it hell to feel inspired to write smut.

Ive stopped wriring as much because my asexuality hits me like a truck. I dont get as wxcited as i did before.

Purity culture fucked me over so bad i cant even be normal about sexuality. Makes me feel broken for being ace.

My full queer identity is as follows, Transmasc genderfluid. Aroflux, panromantic, lithsexual, demisexual, bisexual.

Being so deeply aroace makes it hard because i feel like i dont fit in, you know?

And being transmasc in a sea of comfortable femme afab readers and writers just makes it hard for me to feel involved wheni wanna write things id absolutely enjoy.

Rhe dysphoria also hits really hard because of being someone who if you saw irl without any knowledge of my identity, youd go 'oh a woman.'

Feeling pretty dysphoric lately and been rhinking about trying to get onto Testosterone.

Most of my moots are afab and use feminine pronouns and im out here like the only transmasc here.

Im worried that people dont interact because they cant relate or cant find me. But if its not relating then how do i fix the issue? Being trans is integral to who i am. And i feel bad because of how little i can post and talk to others.

Honestly i hate being inactive. I loved my followers on my old account but i dont know how to get rhem back, because they followed me for the x reader things that i do not do anymore.

I dont do x reader because it feels wrong weiting for fem readers when im transmasc and incredibly dysphoric some days.

I cant write afab often because it makes me uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe if i get top surgery ill feel better.

Im hoping i can top surgery and be on T. Because im incredibly dysphoric as of late and just dont want to have my tits anymore. I want to be a guy.

I dont want bottom surgery that doesnt make me dysphoric its just my breats being so large.. Double D cups are not fun especially when you're trans.

Sometimes i just want to cut them off and never aee rhem again. But i know that i cant DIY that sort of thing. That would be deadly. And i dont want to abandon all of the friends ive made on here and other places.

I feel like my body was wasted on me, because i cant appreciate it the way it is. Makes me feel incredibly awful about myself. My self image is terrible.

I feel like dying would be better some days yet i dont want to leave any of my friends. They mean so much to me. Anyone who interacts means the world to me.

Rhe idea of death is a concept ive found intriguing for years. But im not sure id be able to commit. But it always starts with a bit of seld harm, doesnt it?

Sorry if this was something sad on your dash today coming from a smut blog. I dont think you were expecting that from me today.

I dont know if ill make rhis sort of vulnerable post again, but i hope that this at least gives you some of my perspective.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time to read this.

I know rhis was a vent post but like. I needed to say it.

[bflanddaddy]

[Hello everyone, Chesh Kuro here.] [Now normally I use this blog to promote NSFW quotes...but I figured I would let you all know as of now, the VA for Peter in the game Your Boyfriend will be replaced immediately. Let’s just say that uh...his jokes were rather inappropriate and despite being told numerous of times to NOT do that he keeps going at it. It’s mostly joking about a very touchy subject: trans suicide. I only heard about that from the server that I’m in. And let me tell ya...it’s a lot to unpack and I even got confirmation about the replacement VA for him from Fuboo herself. So it was a bit of a blow to me as I never thought something like this will happen...but...it is what it is. I also tried to reach out to Matt to get his side of the story but nothing has come up. Now that I’m typing this up, I just got word that Matt is going to release a statement on his end and will gladly leave the Your Boyfriend community.]

[So no matter what, I will continue to show support for Fuboo and her game. What Matt has said I will not condone, however, I do believe that he will change and learn to grow as a person further on down the road. I will not show any ill will to him, nor will I ever show any sign of wanting him dead; I sure as FUCK will not be those type of people. Overall, despite the crude humor of his, he is still has a good heart. I know that because he helped me deal with my own personal issue I had last year with a fall out of someone I thought was my friend, who is someone I will not reveal the name to.]

[So whatever happens next, I wish him the best of luck in the next life that will be laid before him. Unlike many of us that will gladly take pleasure in making real life people suffer because it what gives us grand satisfaction in harming people online, you can be damn sure that if I EVER find out about ANY ONE OF YOU WANTING TO SEND DEATH THREATS TO MATT, TO THE PROGRAMMERS OR EVEN FUBOO HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT AND THAT YOU ARE A SICK INDIVIDUAL THAT GETS THEIR ROCKS OFF TO HARASSING OTHERS, OR EVEN WORSE; DOXXING THE FUCK OUT OF ANY OF THEM YOU ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD TO ME AND I WILL NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER FORGIVE YOU FOR IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!]

[So I’m being serious when I say that if you EVER and I mean, EVER want to go out of your way to enact your own justice towards any party members INVOLVED in the situation I will gladly call your ass out and make sure that you get punished for it. I don’t take kindly to any acts of violence towards anyone that I admire and respect. Do that shit and you will be an enemy to me and that’s a fucking promise I can assure you of that.]

[Anyway, I rambled on long enough. To Fuboo and the Black Shepard Games crew, I pray that you will be healed in this time and to Matt, I want to say that I will be the mature adult here and give you the second chance to learn your ways and do better for yourself down the road. That’s all I’m gonna say. To all of those that love my content, I do appreciate your liking of my craft and know that things will get better down the line. Chesh out.]

[obsessing-over-fictionn]

pt. four(and final) of things i gathered from reading nora's extra content :

parts one, two, three

[tws: guns, shooting]

- if kevin were ever to make out with any of the foxes, it would be allison because a) she's gorgeous and b) there would be no strings attached

- "(I was super proud of myself for making Kevin like pineapples because I am not a fan of them and I was like YES NORA THINK OUTSIDE THE COMFORT ZONE)" - nora about kevin liking pineapples

- kevin's best memory that isn't exy related is finding kayleigh's letter and discovering who his father is

- seth could sing! he was a tenor

- seth doesn't hit woman unless it's on the court

- aaron has the second-best grades on the team after kevin

- nicky never reconciles with his family after drake

- and rightfully so luther can die

- neil was matt's best man at his wedding :')

- thea and kevin got married and had a child who got along well with 'grandpa wymack'

- as cute as that is, ew bc imo kev and thea are not it

- but anyway

- jean and renee attempted long distance dating but it didn't work out

- definitely because jean and jeremy are meant to be(this is my opinion tho so)

- renee is the only one of the foxes to marry without the other foxes in attendance, but only because she met someone who worked with her and they couldn't take enough time off of their job to have a wedding and the place that they were didn't take well to visitors

- jean was originally going to commit suicide to alert and bring attention to the abuse faced in the nest but it was changed in the last draft

- neil only ever places one bet the entirety of his time at palmetto state

- aaron proposes to katelyn before starting his fifth year, and they marry soon after graduation

- after graduation allison becomes a fashion designer

- allison had two kids, one son and one trans daughter ! she was fiercely supportive and god i love her

- allison's son develops a crush on kevin's kid💀

- matt proposed to dan on the morning of his graduation ceremony

- later on in the pros, andrew would punch their coach after they let an injured neil onto the court for a sub

- between andrew and neil, andrew is better with babies

- the only reason why robin cross, the freshman goalie that is recruited andrew's senior year, was approached was because andrew specifically asked for her

- if you want to know more about robin(her story is actually pretty messed up), here's the link

- when robin is incepted into the cousin's family, she moves into their dorm

- but because there are only four beds, andrew gives her his and shares with neil

- andrew gives robin his and renee's knives when he graduates

- originally, kevin and riko were dating but they broke up because riko cheated on him with jean, though riko and jean went by different names

- in that draft jean actually broke kevin's hand instead

- riko had capital i Issues

- like we already knew that but still

- "Did you know that from day 1 of All for the Game, when it was a shoddy little comic taking place in a Japanese high school, up until the second-to-last draft, they were lovers? The main drama in the first comic was that Riko had cheated on Kevin with Jean, and Kevin stormed off in a heartbroken fit, and Riko was trying to win him back before Kevin & Neil fell in love together." - nora about kevin and riko

- riko broke kevin's hand by stomping on it

- there was a draft where riko shot both neil and kevin, though neil was the only one to survive

- after jean moves to the trojans, kevin tells jeremy that jean can't go anywhere alone due to being so used too the raven's way of living and functioning

- i take this as confirmation that jeremy and jean get really close and they bond and fall in love and-

- when kayleigh and wymack were a thing, they were in an open relationship because kayleigh didn't have time for monogamy

- it's also helped to disguise kevin's parentage

- "Wymack was definitely sweeter on her than she was on him, and it killed him a little that he couldn’t win her over, but he respected her wishes and never pushed her for more than what she wanted to give him. He did a lot of drinking on the nights she was out with her other lovers, though. His head understood why it was better this way–she had dreams, and he had dreams, and they would spend most of their lives apart because of the paths they needed to walk even if they were each other’s one & only–but it took his heart a couple years to catch on." - nora about wymack and kayleigh's relationship

- half of the canon drafts of tfc ended with kevin dying

- nora says that kevin's straight but no he isn't

- nora's aro-ace !!

- say kandreil(kev, neil, and andrew) had still been a thing. if kevin had died, andrew and neil would have had a massive falling out and the resulting events would result in neil leaving abruptly, taking his money and contacts with him and leaving without warning

- the loss of both neil and kevin so close together sent andrew further into a spiral of self-destruction. he was on the edge when neil finally returned, but it took a long, long time for their relationship to be eveb halfway mended

- nora sakavic is actually a pseudonym !

- tfc was born from the most epic of thoughts: 'i want to write a comic about gay athletes'

- abby and wymack never get married but they do move in together during neil's fifth year

- they grow old and are eventually buried together

[sunatooru]

Emergency Requests Masterlist

Please note that many of these may be triggering and all have warnings

For when you’re feeling insecure about your weight/look

Comforting you when you're insecure about your weight/height - Tendou

Insecure about your 'middle' sized body hc - Tanaka, Lev and Kyoutani

Breaking out because of hormones (trans man reader) - Sugawara and Kenma

Insecure about being hairy - Tsukishima and Oikawa

Comforting you when you feel like everyone around you looks better - Asahi, Iwaizumi, Bokuto and Aran

Insecure about being chubby (male reader) - Bokuto, Sugawara and Kuroo

Comforting you after feeling insecure about clothes not fitting you - Suna

For when you don’t feel like enough

Atsumu comforting you when you don't feel enough

When you feel useless hc (male reader) - Yamaguchi

Feeling like you're nothing in life - Yamamoto, Nishinoya and Yaku

When you have a gaslighting mother - Ushijima

When you feel like a second choice by others hc - Nishinoya, Bokuto and Sugawara

Comforting you when you don't speaking out thinking you'll be a burden - Yaku and Kuroo

For when you come out/pronouns

Coming out as bisexual - Sugawara, Bokuto and Atsumu

Telling them your pronouns hc - Atsumu, Tanaka and Kenma

Telling him you're agender hc - Sugawara

Comforting you after you family being homophobic about bisexuality - Oikawa, Tendou, Yachi and Alisa

Standing up to your transphobic manager for you - Sugawara, Yamaguchi and Kenma

For when you feel overwhelmed/anxious/depressive

Seeing you stressed and ticks hc - Atsumu, Akaashi and Iwaizumi

Comforting you when anxious hc - Suna

General comforting - Oikawa

Comforting s/o with insomnia and severe depression - Any boy

Panicking/anxiety attack comfort hc - Atsumu, Matsukawa and Yaku

Comforting s/o with intense anger issues hc - Kenma, Bokuto and Hinata

Being overwhelmed with first year of uni - Bokuto

Feeling burntout at school - Akaashi

Having a panic attack and feeling drained hc - Kuroo, Atsumu and Bokuto

Neglecting yourself from being overwhelmed hc - Kuroo

Struggling with college - Bokuto and Atsumu

The boys telling you it's gonna be okay

Comforting you after having a panic attack after a friend argument hc - Matsukawa, Bokuto, Iwaizumi and Kuroo

Not taking care of yourself from depression - Kenma and Akaashi

Comforting you after a stomach ache from anxiety - Suna and Kenma

Feeling guilty about your anxiety - Suna and Kumuni

Getting overwhelmed at a party hc - Suna and Kuroo

Helping you when you get depressed - Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi and Atsumu

When you're an insomniac - Kenma

Feeling nauseous from anxiety - Kenma

Comforting you when you start drifting away and feel like a burden - Asahi and Kageyama

When you're use to feeling 'empty' due to depression - Any boy

Being with you to present, when your class gives you anxiety and hate - Kenma

When you more anxious than usual - Any boy

For when you hurt yourself/scars (tw selfharm!)

Comforting you about your scars - Daichi

Struggling with selfharm/scars and depression - Ushijima, Bokuto and Kuroo

Comforting you when you relapse/selfharm - Tsukishima

When you relapse and keep track - Kita

Comforting you after you self harm and feel like you've had enough hc - Tsukishima

You relapse after feeling stressed hc - Oikawa, Tendou and Nishinoya

Comforting you after you tell him you self harm - Tendou

For when you feel like leaving (tw suicide!)

Comforting you when you feel suicidal - Any boy

Feeling suicidal hc - Kageyama, Kenma, Tanaka and Atsumu

Feeling suicidal and low moods - Kenma

For when you struggle with ed (tw eating disoders!)

Comforting you for feeling guilty about binge eating - Sugawara and Lev

Osamu accommodating your ed related meals

Comforting you after a mood change due to ed - Tsukishima and Yamaguchi

Feeling guilty about binge eating - Bokuto

Comforting you after being threatened to be put in a clinic for your ed - Suna

Comforting you when you refuse to eat due to starvation bulimia hc - Nishinoya, Sugawara and Hinata

For when you need comfort after a loss

Comforting you after your dog dies hc - Akaashi, Kuroo and Bokuto

Comforting you after your sibling dies hc - Nishinoya, Bokuto, Kenma and Ushijima

Comforting you after your pet dies hc - Daichi

Comforting you when your grandma dies hc - Tendou, Terushima and Nishinoya

For when it’s your birthday!!

Spending your birthday with Akaashi hc

Spending your birthday with Tsukishima hc

Spending your birthday with Bokuto hc

For anything else

When you have painful boobs hc - Bokuto, Kuroo and Akaashi

seeking shelter with Oikawa and Iwaizumi

When your toxic ex approaches you hc - Hirugamu, Kita, Yaku and Komori

Dealing with a specific ability hc - Kageyama. Bokuto and Atsumi

Accidentality reverting to your old self and feeling bad - Aone, Bokuto and Oikawa

You get sick after not telling them - Tendou and Tsukishima

Taking care of you when you're in hospital - Suna, Kuroo, Iwaizumi and Bokuto

Taking care of you after you catch a stomach bug - Any boy

[the-stray-pup]

detransition/misgendering play is a kink that some trans people are into. you can compare it to stuff like cnc, where survivors are reenacting their trauma but with full control over it. it's coping. none of them (<1%) actually want to detrans or think ftms are confused etc. it's fantasy. it's kink.

Since I went on a tangent. Tldr: if you support this shit fucking unfollow me I do not give one single fuck. This is the one and only fucking time I will be addressing this shit on my blog and I am done. So you can try to explain to me all the fuck you want but I will not be responding to that fucking shit and it will be fucking deleted/reported/blocked/etc.

Tw for vulgar language, s/h, suicide, etc. literally just don’t even read the rest of this shit if you have any triggers

Shut the actual fuck up. Literally. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. “It’s kink” no it’s literally fucking disgusting. Those trans people who are into detransition/misgendering have massive internalized shit that they need to work on. You aren’t going to sit here and compare that fucking “kink” to cnc. Cnc does not invalidate your literal fucking identity. If someone were to fucking misgender/want to detransition me wanna know what I’d fucking do? Literally want to slit my wrists and fucking die. You can say I’m kink shaming all you want and I will not give a fucking shit. I’ve already lost one follower probably from that dumbass fucking post but I. Do. Not. Fucking. Care. I’m literally on the thinnest fucking string right now and don’t. Fucking. Care. There’s a difference from being rough and pretending to say no and then literally fucking misgendering someone despite it being “consensual” and there is nothing that you will say that will fucking make me think otherwise. CNC is also a kink that has the potential to be harmful. HOWEVER detransition/misgendering is literally fucking harmful because you’re invalidating someone where as the other one is as you stated recreation. Sure there may be recreation of trauma in that fucking kink but it is more. Fucking. Trauma. Because you’re getting misgendered and whereas a society we have all already been desensitized to rape as something that is normal, so many fucking people are transphobic and will fucking think this was about trans people and for people to get off to that shit is literally fucking disgusting. Genuinely. I don’t know what it was about my original post on this topic that made you think there was a way you could explain this to me that I would be understanding of it. People who have CNC and other related kinks are taking back their SEXUALITY by controlling how they have SEX because they were FORCED to have fucking sex you fucking idiot so of course that’s gonna be the fucking coping mechanism for that shit because most are subconsciously fucking desensitizing themselves to that shit if it happens again/to help with the past experience. If some fucking nasty ass cishet fucking man we’re to be getting off while misgendering/feminizing/detransition oh me I would literally blow my fucking brains out. If people said “I ask (this person) to misgender me, etc in a nonsexual way so it doesn’t affect me as much when others do it” then MAYBE I would understand it. But people are literally nutting to this shit and I just won’t fucking have it because it does not make any fucking logical sense to be getting off to that shit unless you have some massive fucking issues that you need therapy for or because you’re fucking transphobic.

[treestargarden]

episode 4, “colorful girls” analysis

tw: child sexual abuse

this episode does not hold back. 

first of all, momo is ace and non-binary. no i won’t be elaborating. 

wonder killers’ dialogue:

next, the wonder killers absolutely say things that were important to the wonder girls’ irl trauma. this is from miwa’s wonder killer. she just had a conversation with momo where she revealed the hurtful things her mother said to her, like “why couldn’t you just take it” or “take it as a compliment, it means you’re cute.” it’s quite possible with this dialogue, that these were also things her abuser said to her quite often to make her believe simply by existing she was “asking for it.” 

wonder eggs’ inner strengths: 

its also possible that the wonder killers are... combinations of the wonder girls’ sources of trauma and not just 1 manifestation of 1 person, but rather all of the people connected to the trauma. 

in response, miwa says this:

and added on “you got married, because you love each other” in the first few minutes of meeting her, i was not expecting this. up to this point, we have met a lot of wonder girls who are tired, exhausted, sad, lonely (excluding the 2 girls that ai and rika are trying to save right now). but, given the fact that she was vocal about her abuse, i’m certain this is exactly how miwa would respond in this situation.

even more poignant, is the fact momo simply listened to miwa’s protest while they were fighting the wonder killer. they agreed with her. i find it fascinating. i’m not sure what to do with this info yet, but i already like momo (partly bc i /know/ they’re non-binary, like... that’s a genderfuck if i ever saw one). 

this next part really grabbed my attention, juxtaposed with miko and mako’s kill-assist. these girls are definitely not meant to seem helpless or meek or powerless. i really like that this show so far has been capturing the complexity of a “survivor’s” strength (again, quotes, because these girls are technically dead, but i don’t want to use the term “victim” because it implies they have no power). 

they recognize when someone else is in need of help and they easily flip the switch from saved to savior. i’m in love with these girls so far. their characterization is complex, intriguing, and realistic at this point. 

specifically with miwa, her “surrender” is not my interpretation at all. she specifically recognized that she did have some power in this situation to help momo, just as miko and mako had some power to assist ai. their approaches are entirely different, but that doesn’t make their courage, or the strength, wrong. i’m not angry at this characterization of miwa AT ALL. sometimes, the best way to avoid worse punishment is to give in, its just the fuckin reality of abuse. but it neither makes her weak, nor does it make the writers apologists. 

they /specifically/ juxtaposed the girls because they wanted to show that they had different strengths for different reasons and that neither were entirely powerless. they did the best they could in this situation. 

shit i love momo:

also, if you have read this far, this is why i think momo is non-binary: 

i have a few... thoughts about momo’s trauma specifically that may relate to momo being non-binary.

1) momo’s wonder eggs r rape “survivors.” if my theory that the wonder eggs directly relate to the irl peoples trauma, then it would be plausible that momo’s trauma is some form of sexual trauma.

2) continuing with the sexual trauma thread, and also including momo’s flashback, it’s quite possible between them and now, that momo’s trauma occurred between these 2 points in time. this is inferred by the obvious change in appearance.

3) what could have “caused” (this isn’t to blame momo’s trauma on momo, but it’s the closest word i could think of on the spot for trading out my theories) momo’s trauma?

i have a few ideas: momo has the face of a boy, but used to wear girls clothing and sometimes momos voice fluctuates from sounding like a boy to sounding like a girl. momo could have been correctively raped either for being perceived as a femboy, trans woman, or a dyke.

additionally the corrective rape could have happened /after/ momo started wearing boys clothes and someone would have taken notice that momo sounded like a girl but looked boyish.

in either case, momo confessed to an unnamed second girl that wearing boys clothes is “simpler.” even if momo doesn’t necessarily like it, it seems momo feels forced to present as a boy. at this point, it can then be inferred the boys clothing is probably a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma (and now i feel that the issue happened when momo still dressed/presented as a girl).

HOWEVER, not once does momo ever explicitly say momo is a girl, feels like a girl, wishes momo was a girl. only momo’s presentation has been discussed at this point. in the screen shots i provided above, i feel like most people would say “i /am/ a girl.” i think that momo at least identifies with girlhood, but i don’t think momo is attached to the identity of “girl.”

and momo is ace/aro because all of these relationships we see momo in are very one-sided. when miwa tells momo she loves momo, momo replies with “thank you.” and when miwa asks if they can continue cuddling “until i disappear” we get a closeup on momo who looks forlorn and thoughtful, who simply says “sure.” a lot of momo’s interactions with girls giving momo sexual/romantic attraction feel empty.

on the other hand, we see momo’s interactions with the other 3 main characters at the end of this chapter as very emotional, light. it’s probably the /most/ lighthearted we have seen momo. momo is not getting unwanted attention—they’re all just gossiping and laughing.

when we see momo’s flashbacks with haruka, we notice that haruka hugs momo but momo does not reciprocate the touching.

again, these are just threads that im seeing and excitedly pull apart, some of my theories are half baked until i have more information. but for me it’s plainly obvious that momo is an ace non-binary person. i know the fandom has been... having heated discourse about “what is momo /really/.” and for some reason this is controversial? really weird to me.

it’s a complex issue because gender is complex. for those of you that are binary, remember that you feel very knowledgeable about your own gender, but being non-binary is an absolutely different experience all together. we aren’t some “third gender” bullshit. and i’m quite enjoying seeing binary folks be confused about momo because that’s what being non-binary feels like. i wake up every day wondering what today’s gender will be. welcome to my fuckin life.

neiru:

i find it fascinating her personality has taken a complete 180 turn regarding ai. if we remember, in the beginning of their relationship, neiru was specific that ai could only contact her if she wished to change who buys eggs when. but once neiru was admitted to the hospital, ai started texting and visiting her throughout her healing period.

initially i thought this was more of a “keep your friends closer, your enemies closer” scenario, but then i went back to the episode 2 ending: 

at first, neiru forbade ai from texting her other than to make egg-buying arrangements. but neiru texted ai back with a thumbs up emoji. she isn’t being incredibly open, but given the development of her character so far, i think this is definitely her way of showing ai she trusts her and that neiru is opening up to her. 

settings:

so at this point, its pretty obvious that the location of the main characters’ worlds are always the same and they are specifically tied to their links’ places of death. 

neiru: unknown

ai: school

rika: gardens

momo: subway

from the other information we have gathered, its probably likely all of the links have died by suicide. 

neiru: unknown. however, we do know that neiru claims she could have stopped it. 

ai: a story of child sexual abuse/bullying. i’m not sure if koiko committed suicide because she was being molested or because of the bullying, but it could also be a combination of the 2

rika: rejection/fatphobia/eating disorder. chiemi committed suicide because of rika’s rejection based on fatphobia. chieme probably developed an eating disorder, evidenced by rika re-telling ai the day she visited chiemi’s funeral “she was skin and bones”. 

momo: rejection/unknown. haruka expressed attraction to momo. it seems momo may have rejected that love and haruka felt suicide was the best way to resolve her inner conflict. 

faults:

hmm at the same time, there are some hang-ups i have about this episode. a lot of these girls are so... love-starved, that even when a character shows the slightest bit of tenderness for them, they are quick to say “i love you!” miwa told momo she loved him, “even if i’ve only known you for a day” and this was juxtaposed by miko and mako telling rika and ai they loved them, too. there is something to be said about the attachment issues some of the wonder girls may have to people who help them resolve their trauma/healing. 

extra:

[the-witty-pen-name]

The list of books I read before finishing TDATT...

YA Fiction, Graphic Novel

This book is the book that got me out of my years long reading slump. It also only took me just over an hour to read and I absolutely loved it. It’s a graphic novel about two vacation friends who stay at the same beach town every year. This book genuinely really captures that feeling of summer and I felt like it really felt authentic in how you feel as a kid, when things in life are happening around you but you’re still just a little too young to fully grasp everything. Also, the illustrations are just so well done. I literally recommend this book to everyone!

Adult Fiction, Realistic Fiction, Contemporary 

I have not been able to stop thinking about this book since I finished it. Everyone has been talking about it and I agree that it’s worth the hype. I think it’s so hard to find a book that accurately depicts how it feels to be navigating your 20s and I think this book did so just so authentically. Also this book is such a great commentary on race and socio-economics. It really brings attention to the idea of intention versus impact- how people’s good intentions can still be overtly racist. 

The book follows Emira Tucker, a young African American woman who is a recent college graduate, struggling to find her place while her friends continue to succeed and seem to have it together more than her. Emira babysits for public speaker and blogger Alix Chamberlain. The story follows the events that unfold after Emira is accused of kidnapping three year old Briar at a grocery store when a security guard does not believe Emira when she tells him that she is the child’s nanny. 

Adult Fiction, Rom-Com, Romance 

If you want a really cute enemies to lovers story, this book I read practically in a day. I adored both main characters, and their back an forth. This is one book in a series about the Brown sisters. This is the third book in the trilogy, but they don’t have to be read in order, and they all can be read alone. This is the only one of them I’ve read so far and I loved it so much- definitely will be reading the other two at some point. Eve is incredibly chaotic and can’t seem to figure out what she wants to do, and she ends up through a series of crazy events, working as a chef at an adorable bed and breakfast owned by Jacob, who is very by the book and organized. The two of them are total opposites and yet compliment each other so well! This book is also very body positive, and has autism representation. It’s witty, funny and *spicy* 

Science Fiction, Fantasy Fiction, Philosophical Fiction

*TW: suicide and depression*

Okay, this book I feel like I’ve seen people love or people say it’s a cliché. I actually really like the cliché message of this book. The final takeaway of the story, as overdone as some people may say it feels, is really uplifting I found. I found the concept really relatable as Nora ponders all the choices she’s made in her life and wondering what could have been. When Nora attempts to take her own life, she finds herself in a library. This library contains an infinite amount of books, all of which contain alternative lives she can choose to live out. I really liked this book, and would recommend! This is book also reads really quickly, some chapters are as short as a page, so you make more progress than you realize as you read which is nice. 

YA Fiction, Comedy 

*TW: suicidal thoughts, depression, eating disorder*

*TW: misgendering and deadnaming* 

The amount of excerpts from this book I found myself underlining because it was so relatable... Okay, really related to this book, and I think it’s such a good read. However, I have one grip with it that I want to address before talking more about the story. One of the characters in this book is a trans woman. Once the narrator discovers that she’s trans, he refers to her as Charles/Jennifer rather than just Jennifer, continuing to use her dead name. This novel was written in 2006, and so you can clearly tell that it reflected the more ignorant views at the time. It’s not mentioned often throughout, but this was something that bothered me a lot, despite overall loving the bigger story. (I actually am not sure about if the name was Charles, I could be wrong about what her deadname was, but just using Charles as an example about how the name is written in the book)

I really related to a lot of the struggles the main character, Craig, had in this book. I think a lot of students can relate to the pressures Craig faces with regards to his assignments and just school in general. As a person who was a college student (during a global pandemic!) and has GAD, Craig is a very relatable character. He’s not perfect, but many of the issues he has and how he describes them feel very authentic. Craig, who is a 15 year old high school student, suffers from depression, and after having suicidal thoughts, he admits himself to the hospital. The book is about Craig and his time spent in the psychiatric wing of the hospital and the relationships he forms with the fellow patients.