#very glad to make an appointment for myself and not one of the cats though!!

[actualmichelle]

i made my dentist appointment 😩

[joestarwhore]

I’m Horrible at requesting things but can we get a yandere jotaro with a s/o whos the sweetest thing in the world? Like jotaro just wants to protect the bby. By protecting he means locking them in a basement with no sunlight or human connections that isint from him 😬 thx a bunch!

mwah, ofc!

IF YOURE NOT 18+ GO AWAY TYSM

————————————

Yandere!Jotaro Kujo Headcanon & Imagine

You met Jotaro around the same time Koichi did. You were a senior in school, your credits completed and your classes short, so you always had a lot of free time through the day.

You’ve had your Stand, Iron Maiden, since birth. Unlike other stand users though, you didn’t use yours very often. You simply loved to love people, your kindness making you a shining light to everyone around you.

& After everything that unfolds, Jotaro’s presence all of a sudden became more and more persistent. Jotaro would sit by you everywhere, asking you little questions about things you liked, flowers would show up on your nightstand at home, surprise little dates to the beach with him at night; Jotaro was treating you better than any man ever did before.

So when he suggested that you move away to his estate to live with him, there clearly was one answer; after all, your house was completely empty after you had came home, all of it packed on a trailer being worked on by Josuke and Okuyasu. Jotaro kissed your cheek, reassuring you this is exactly what you’re meant to do, his hands caressing your cheeks. After his sweet honeyed words, his gentle touches, you let him put you in the front seat.

——————————————

{Requited Love, Requited Insanity}

You sat on your king size bed that you shared with Jotaro, petting your cat Jam Jam who gently slept in your lap. The estate was absolutely giant, even though you & Jotaro lived in the penthouse below the surface. No windows, no light, simply electricity & Jotaro. That’s all you had.

Honestly, you were loving it! The estate was absolutely beautiful, Jotaro had a full library stocked for you to read from, all your records in a safe place for you, Jotaro paid for Jam Jams vet appointments and arranged for her to be expedited to you, giving you your small little companion back.

The only thing you missed were the people. Koichi, Josuke, Okuyasu, all of your pals, you haven’t seen them since the day you left Morioh. But that’s okay! Jotaro always takes good care of you, between making sure you have what you need & feel at home, he even put in an alarm system to make sure that the only one who can open doors is him, all because he doesn’t want you to slam your finger in one of the doors!! How sweet is he??

You heard the main door open above, footsteps coming down the stairs to the penthouse. Jotaros footsteps weren’t easy to miss, & certainly didn’t stop after he came through the door. His eyes softened as he saw you, throwing his hat on the shelf and his briefcase on the table. He raised up his arms as you ran into his chest, squeezing him with all the might you could muster. “Welcome home, honey!”

Jotaro smiled and kissed your forehead, “Thank you baby, I missed you a lot today. Did you have a good day with Jam Jam?”

You smiled brightly, “Yes I did, we watched a nature documentary while we napped together!”

“That’s good baby, I’m glad you’re getting sleep like a good girl.”

You followed Jotaro down to the kitchen, seeing two bags of takeout on the counter. “I figured since I have the next few days off, we could give you a break with cooking for a few nights. You’ve done really good cooking dinner for us, you deserve a break.”

You looked up at Jotaro smiling ear to ear, your heart swelled with admiration of how thoughtful he was. “Thank you so much Jotaro, that’s so so sweet!”

Jotaro helped you make your plate & got you both situated on the couch. You both talked about his day and yours as you ate, taking time out to pet jam jam as she walked by every now & then.

After about an hour of watching Jotaros pick of his favorite documentary, you spoke in a small voice up towards him;

“Jojo, how long have we been living here?”

Jotaro kept silent for a moment, careful not to say anything rash. Your delicate mental state & soft heart have been molded to his perfect little darling, & he couldn’t ruin that.

“Around 6 months, I’d say.”

You sat Jam Jam on the floor, angling yourself to look towards Jotaro, whos eyes were trained on you & looking at you with adoration. He knew if he was to keep you in his grasp, he had to answer all of your questions, and had to do it right.

“Why can’t I go outside?”

“The outside is dangerous, sweetie. There are a lot of bad men out there who don’t like me, and because I love you so much, they don’t like you either.”

Your face saddened at the thought of someone not liking you. You’ve never even hurt anyone, even when you had the chance to kill, you always chose the nicer way to do things. “Okay. I’m sorry for asking you so many questions, sometimes I don’t know how to explain certain things to myself.”

Jotaro sat you up & helped you stand up, “that’s perfectly okay, angel. As long as you are here with me, you are safe. I promise that.” You nodded as you grinned up at him, clearly satisfied with his reply and his praise.

Jotaro grinned down at you, kissing the back of your head as he steered you back to the bed, looming over you as he pushed you onto your back. “I had the aquarium to myself today. ‘Was thinking how nice it would’ve been if you were there.” His lips grazed over your ear shell, making your thighs clench together as adrenaline shot to your core.

“W-whys that?”

Jotaro chuckled darkly as he snaked his arm around your backside, holding the back of your head in his hand while his other one gripped your thigh, slowly making its way to your heat. “Because all I wanted to do was bend that perfect cunt over my desk and fill you til you were swollen.”

Your cheeks flamed red as you bit your lip in excitement. Jotaros thumb skimming over your tucked in bottom lip, attaching his to the side of your neck. You couldn’t keep in the moan that escaped you, between the pressure on your neck that would surely leave a hickey & Jotaros palm rubbing circles on your core.

“Perfect little whore for me, arent you?”

Silence. SLAP.

You yelped as his hand made contact with your ass, arching yourself into both of his hands. “Answer my question, you stupid fucking slut.”, he growled in your ear.

You moaned and hid your face in his muscular neck, his black hair tickling your eyes as you took in a shaky breath. “Yes sir, I’m your perfect little whore!”

Jotaro smirked down at you as he forced your legs open, gripping the flesh of your thighs in his fingers. “Y’know Josuke used to tell me how badly he wanted to bend you over. Him & Okuyasu both.” He unzipped his pants, pulling down and exposing his rock hard cock. Your breath hitched at the sight, excitement swelling in your stomach.

Jotaro lined himself up at your entrance, his thumb gently rubbing over your sensitive clit. “They don’t know how many times they’ve almost had every bone in their bodies broken.” He thrusted his cock all the way inside you, your moans filling your bedroom as you gripped the sheets to cope with the intensity.

“Mmh good girl, yeah just like that, take every inch of me like a good fuckin whore.”

Your moans became screams and begs for him to slow down and to stop as he tunneled into your cunt, not giving you any mercy. “Yeah good fuckin slut, good girl taking my dick- f-fucking christ you’re gonna look so good covered in my cum.”

Your stomach tightened as you gripped onto Jotaros arms, your cries asking him to please make you cum, please let you cum like a little whore, everything Jotaro wanted to hear out of his little darling.

“Mmmfph FUCK yeah good fuckin slut, cum all over my cock!”

His filthy mouth sent you over the edge as your intense release shook your entire body. Jotaro lazily pumped himself in & out of you, telling you sweet nothings in your ear as your overstimulated brain calmed down. Jotaro hilted himself inside you, finally cumming inside your sensitive womb. His large hands running over your glistening body help you up and into one of his T shirts, and laying you under the covers of your bed.

You were his. Only his. He had broke you and remade you so, so perfectly. He loved you so much it drove him into the most dangerous kind of madness; the requited one.

————————————————

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR REQUESTING DARLINS!!🦋✨🌈🌸

[thecampbellfam]

Alright, the infamous birth story is ready to be shared. A heads up that there are aspects of this story that are TMI (too much information) so read at your own risk. Birth can be messy. ;) It’s a long read so buckle up.

For the week leading up to D’s birth I experienced mild contractions and cramping. Baby was very low in my pelvis and my midwife said at my 38 week appointment that she anticipated me birthing prior to my 39 week appointment (spoiler alert: she was right!). On Sunday, March 21st I woke up to mild contractions. The contractions continued every 3-10 minutes from 6:30-9:30am. These abruptly stopped when the boys came in the bedroom and needed my help and attention while Nic had a shower. During the 3 hours of contractions I made the decision to cancel a lash extension appointment that I had later that day. I texted my housemate and friend, M, to see if she was free to help me power through the open jar orders that I had in case the labour picked up again.

I had a long lull between contractions so decided to capitalize on that time. M and I finished jar orders. I packed all the orders up and scheduled a Canada Post pick up for the next day. I baked myself some lactation cookies. And Nic and I cleaned the bathroom, did the dishes, washed laundry, put last minute items in the hospital bag, organized a few areas of the house, and kept the kids occupied. I had the odd contraction here or there but nothing consistent or overly painful.

By 4pm I was tired and decided to lay down. I looked up something called the Mile’s Circuit and decided to try out the recommended rest positions while I had a nap. The positions in the Mile’s Circuit are known to help reposition baby if they’re sitting off in your pelvis. This seemed to work because by 4:30pm I was having regular contractions again. Contractions were irregular in length and time between, but were coming. This continued ALL evening. The contractions started to get a bit more painful as the evening went on but were never rhythmic enough or painful enough to transfer to the hospital. I was in touch with my doula and midwife who confirmed the same information.

By 11:30pm I was exhausted, discouraged, and the contractions were beginning to get a bit more painful (though still irregular in length and time between). At midnight my doula, K, headed over. She was my saving grace. She encouraged me to labour in a few different positions, took me for a curb walk in the rain, and helped prop me up with pillows when I got tired in a way that would keep my pelvis open while I laid down. I asked her when I should head to the hospital and she said that though the contractions were strong, they were not quite rhythmic enough and I was still too coherent between them.

But at around 1:30am everything changed. I had 3-4 huge contractions laying down and then got up to use the washroom. There I entirely lost my mucus plug (up till that point I had had zero bloody show or fluid loss). I called out for K to tell her about the mucus plug, then stood up and immediately vomited excessively. I told K that we needed to leave now! Nic had been resting and quickly got up to help me to the car. Thankfully I’d had him load up the majority of our hospital items a few hours earlier *just in case* things went quickly.

By 1:54am we were on the road to the hospital with K trailing closely behind. We turned onto the main road and I had a big contraction that I couldn’t speak through while my midwife was trying to call me. When the contraction ended she said she’d meet me at the entrance of the ER. We passed a bridge and I reclined my seat as I had another massive contraction. With this one I started yelling in pain. My body was experiencing fetal ejection reflex and was trying to push baby out while I was simultaneously trying to fight to keep baby in. The feeling of fighting your own body’s urges is one I’ll never ever forget. After that contraction was an odd lull and for a moment I thought we’d make it to the hospital. However, the next contraction hit just as we were passing the pedestrian overpass along the Bypass. I yelled “Uh oh! Uh ohhh! <words I can’t repeat> Nic you need to pull over NOW!” He quickly pulled over, gestured for K to come to the car, and reached to help me. I was fully clothed and frantically needed help pulling my pants down. We got them down just enough as K came to my side. K saw that baby was crowning and with one big push she was out. K was there just in time to catch her. So at 2:05am baby girl was brought up to my chest and Nic and K quickly grabbed whatever they could from the backseat of the car to keep baby warm. A towel and Nic’s infamous highlighter yellow hoodie were the winners. K helped rub baby down to ensure she was warm and checked that she was breathing. From there we impulsively decided to continue on driving. We were in a place that would have taken an ambulance some time to get to plus it was 2am so there was nobody on the roads. I had something called Marginal Cord Insertion which can cause hemorrhaging with the birth of the placenta so I was keen to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Baby on my chest, cord still pulsing and placenta intact, and onward to the hospital we continued. It ended up being the calmest ride and I kept remarking at how amazing it was to have her out while Nic kept commenting on how insane and badass this all was. The relief of having baby girl out was incredible. I’ve been asked a lot if I have trauma from the car birth and I honestly don’t. It was such a relief to have baby out and that she and I were healthy.

We pulled up the hospital shortly after and were greeted by our midwife and a team of nurses ready with a wheelchair, warm towels and blankets. They helped me out of the car and then wheeled us up to the delivery floor. I was greeted by a lot of surprised and impressed nurses. Baby and I got checked over, the cord was cut, and I birthed the placenta. I was stitched up and then we spent a couple hours in the birthing room for monitoring. Afterwards we were transferred to a maternity room and spent a quiet morning and early afternoon snuggling baby girl, having cat naps, watching the sun come up, and even sneaking in a shower. Our short hospital stay was so calm and relaxing so I’m glad we weren’t discharged as early as I was initially hoping. Given that it was baby #3 for us the nursing staff really only came in to go over what’s required and we were largely left alone. Baby and I were deemed healthy and we were discharged at 2:30pm.

We took our time heading home to give my sister time to be there first. She photographed our oldest meeting his brother for the first time and offered to do the same when we brought baby girl home. The photos from both of these photoshoots are cherished and I’m beyond grateful for my sister making the time to capture them.

A few fun facts:

* I selfishly didn’t want to share my birthday with baby girl. Shared birthdays can be tricky and I wanted her birthdate to be her own. She was born 5 days after my birthday allowing us both our own days. I had told Nic that I wanted to be done having kids by 30 so her arriving 5 days past my 30th was pretty bang on.

* Midway through my pregnancy my midwife recommended that I pack an “if I birth in the car” kit for the car, given how quick my active labours were with my last two births. This recommendation put a bug in my ear that my baby could be born in the car.

* A week and a bit before baby girl was born I sobbed listened to a Birth Hour episode about a car birth. I often tear up listening to birth stories but this particular story struck me differently.

* Our doula knew things weren’t going great on the hospital drive because Nic kept slowing down and speeding up (which correlated with my contractions).

* Many have asked about how Nic’s car fared in the birth. This is wild. When Nic got home from work on Saturday he let the boys come out and play in the car for a few minutes with him. Our younger son accidentally left the passenger door open a crack. Not enough to drain the battery but enough for the passenger seat to get absolutely soaked in the overnight downpour. Nic saw that the seat was wet when he loaded up the car with hospital bags and put one of our (new) thick towels on the seat so that my butt wouldn’t get wet. When I was transferred to a wheelchair at the ER entrance, Nic lifted the towel and the seat was COMPLETELY DRY AND CLEAN!

* Baby girl was born at the perfect time. Nic was on his weekend, our housemates were free to watch the boys, K was available to attend the birth and my sister was free to photograph the boys meeting their sister.

* Registering baby’s birth was fun. I had to call up Vital Statistics who had to look on a map to figure out the postal code for the area that I birthed in, since she wasn’t born at a fixed address.

[nonie-star]

6 or 10 enemies to lovers prompt!

Thank you so much for the ask! You gave me two of my favourite prompts, so it was pretty hard to choose, but I settled on 6.

6. "I saw you with them and I couldn't keep lying to myself. When a person is your enemy, you doing get jealous that someone else has their affection."

It was the morning of Nonie and Merula's two year anniversary. Or well... something like that. Counting their time at Hogwarts, they had been a couple for much longer. But seeing as they had broken up shortly after leaving Hogwarts, they weren't sure how to count it. So eventually, they had simply settled on celebrating today.

"Wake up Star... Staaaar..." Merula softly shook Nonie's arm. But Nonie shook her head and turned on her other side. "No... sleep..." Merula rolled her eyes and shook her harder. “Come on, I made you breakfast, you idiot! I even made you coffee... but too bad, if you don’t want it...” With a little smile Nonie sat up. “Fine... Happy anniversary Mer.”

Merula sat down on her own side of the bed and put a tray with breakfast between them. “Chocolate pancakes?” Nonie asked. “You sure know the way to my heart.” Merula shook her head, exclaiming that it wasn’t hard to tell how much of a chocoholic Nonie really was. But then she smiled. “Happy anniversary, Star.”

Nonie laughed. “You could really start calling me Nonie, you know? But I guess old habits die hard.“ “As long as you keep wearing that dirty old hair clip, I will continue to call you Star.” Merula argued.

After breakfast, Nonie offered to do the dishes. Usually she would attempt to weasel her way out of doing them, by reminding Merula of the “devil’s snare incident” as she called it, telling her that she owed her for life, so she had to do the dishes. But not today, after Merula had already made her breakfast.

“Why don’t you stay home today..?” Merula asked, lovingly wrapping her arms around Nonie. “It’s our anniversary after all... you can miss one day of work...” Nonie laughed, reminding her that her work was important. She had some really big missions coming up that she needed to prepare for. “Also, I’m always worried that if I’m not there, Tonks and Talbott will kill each other.”

Merula hugged her even tighter. “Are you certain you have to go? Your idiot friends will be fine without you for a day.” But Nonie wasn’t persuaded. She turned around and gave her girlfriend a kiss, promising her that they would celebrate in the evening. After all, Merula had work to do as well. “But I need to go now. If I’m late again, Talbott will get annoyed. I barely made it on time yesterday...”

“Why are you so smiley today?” Tonks asked Nonie, seeming very curious. Her friend had not stopped smiling since she had come into work this morning.

Continue to smile, Nonie explained that today was Merula and her anniversary, and that she had a surprise planned for her girlfriend. She had been planning this for a little while, yet Merula still had no clue.

“You know how much I suck at keeping secrets, so that makes it even more exciting...” Tonks laughed. “Well, good for you. And yes, you do indeed suck at keeping secrets.”

It was in the late afternoon that Nonie returned home. She knew that Merula wouldn’t be home for a little while, so she had some time to set up.

It was nothing extravagant, just a small dinner on their balcony. Nonie thought that it was pretty funny that Merula had a similar idea, since she had made her breakfast this morning. And well.. Nonie also had a little gift for her that she would surely like. 

Neither of them had wanted something major for their anniversary. They were used to keeping their relationship on the down low, at first because Merula, the “most powerful witch at Hogwarts” (that self-appointed nickname still made Nonie chuckle sometimes, and she used every opportunity she could to tease her girlfriend with it) had wanted to keep it secret while they were still attending school, as not to ruin her image. And now that they were adults... well, Merula was still an Ex-death eater... even if joining had not been her choice.

Even though she wasn’t well known, and her escape had been three years ago... she still preferred to keep a low profile. Nonie understood. They finally got to be happy now, if Merula was found out...  Joining the death eaters had never been her choice. She had been forced to join by some of her parents old friends... 

After her parents had been pretty good at what they were doing, Merula had been seen as a valuable recruit. Valuable enough to warrant taking desperate measures to get her to join. These desperate measures included hurting everyone she loved and cared about.  And... not seeing another way out, Merula had accepted, hating herself for being a death eater, having ended up like her parents, more and more every day. 

But eventually, she had seen her chance to run...

Nonie and Merula had been through quite a lot over the last few years.  Since that day Merula showed up at Nonie’s doorstep, over three years ago, bloody and panting, having deserted the death eaters... so much had happened... 

“Star, where are you?” Merula asked when she returned home. There was no sign of her girlfriend anywhere. “Helloooooo...”  She walked through their small flat, peeking into every room. There really wasn’t that many possibilities where she could be hiding.  “Gismo, have you seen Star?” she asked Nonie’s cat, that was sleeping on their bed. He just looked up, made a faint meowing sound, and went back to sleeping.  Merula shook her head. “Useless animal...” 

“What are you doing out here?” Merula asked, as she found Nonie on the balcony.  It was decorated quite beautiful, it somehow reminded her of the celestial ball...  Nonie had set up a small table and two chairs as well.  They rarely ever used their balcony. Nonie was afraid of heights, and Merula just didn’t care for the view. 

Nonie smirked. “You know, you laugh at me for talking to Gismo, but ever so often I hear you do it too.”  Then she told her to sit down, since she had already prepared dinner.  “How burned is it..?” Merula asked, cautious. Then she sat down on one of the chairs Nonie had set up.

Dinner was nice. While eating and having some wine, they reminisced about how they first got together.  “I was so stunned when you asked me to dance with you at the celestial ball.” Nonie said. “If I recall right, you rejected me rather harshly when I asked you to be my date to the ball.” Merula blushed and frowned, saying that of course she did. After all, she had asked her in front of her friends, like it was nothing.  “And to be honest... I told myself that I despised you, that you were my enemy. That I found you idiotic. For searching for the vaults, for mixing up words, for being so nice to me, for always being so... revoltingly happy. Hey, don’t laugh-” 

Nonie couldn’t hold back her laughter. “I never knew happiness could be revolting. Mer...”  Merula shook her head. “I saw you dancing with Khanna, at the celestial ball... and I tried to keep pretending, but...  I saw you with her and I couldn't keep lying to myself. When a person is your enemy, you doing get jealous that someone else has their affection. I know you never dated, but when I saw the two of you, I assumed that you were. That you asked her to the ball instead of me, since I said no.”  She was still quite embarrassed to admit things like this, even though it was so many years ago. 

Nonie shook her head, explaining that back then, Rowan had just wanted to cheer her up. “I was quite upset that you didn’t want to attend the ball with me, since even back then I liked you at lot. I’m still not sure why... but I did. Ever since that day in dark arts class, where you accidentally slammed me into a shelf with a spell, and afterwards actually came to see me in the hospital wing, because you were worried.” 

Now Merula was the one laughing. “Seriously?! That’s when you fell for me? Star, you’re so strange.” But then she smiled. “I think I started to like you very early, I just didn’t want to believe it. Remember when you found me crying, because of that letter I received from my parents..? After all I had done to you, I expected you to make fun of me, to tell everyone that the supposed most powerful witch at Hogwarts was bawling her eyes out, but you didn’t. Instead you comforted me, and never told a soul about what happened. I wasn’t used to that sort of kindness.” 

With a smile, Nonie said that she knew that. “I decided to be extra nice to you from then on. My friends thought I was nuts.”  Merula nodded. “I thought you were mad too. I still think that you are, for being with me. But I’m so glad you are, you weirdo.”  Nonie laughed, and lent over the table to give her a kiss.  “Wait, that reminds me!” she then said, and got up. “I still have a gift for you, wait here!”

Merula watched with an amused smile as her girlfriend dashed inside. She used to think that Nonie being disorganised was just her, but after meeting her family, she had realised that most of the Scheinert’s seemed to be that way.   With a smirk on her face, she waited for her to come back. 

“Close your eyes.” Nonie said, as she walked back onto the balcony.  Merula rolled her eyes, but did as she said. Suddenly, she felt something very small and fluffy in her hands.  “Okay, you can open your eyes now.” Merula looked at her hands. A small orange Puffskein stared back at her.  “It’s so tiny...” Merula said, carefully caressing it’s fur with one of her fingers.  Nonie explained that Barnaby and Rowan’s Puffskein had a litter, and they had offered that she could have one. “I thought you’d like it. After all, you’ve been wanting one ever since we’ve met.” Merula carefully put the Puffskein down, and went to hug Nonie. This was truly a great gift... 

It was much later in the evening that Nonie stood at the banister of the balcony, watching the stars through the small telescope she had owned since Hogwarts. Or... trying to. She couldn’t see very many of them, since they weren’t that visible in the city.  “I should come out here more.” she said. “The view is so incredible that I can look past how high up it is.” 

After not receiving an answer, Nonie turned around. Merula had been awfully quiet for a while now. She was standing a few steps behind her, the small Puffskein they had named Ernie sitting on her shoulder.  “What’s wrong?”  Merula just shrugged, so Nonie turned back to watching the stars. 

“Eleonore?” Merula suddenly asked.  Nonie lowered the telescope. “... Yes?” she asked, slightly confused and maybe even a little freaked out. Merula had never called her by her actual first name before. On occasion she would call her Nonie, but never Eleonore. 

“I love you.” Merula said. “I really do.”  Nonie smiled. “Well, I love you too. It’s always nice to hear you say that.”  Merula rarely ever did. She preferred to convey her affection through gestures rather than words. Just like she was doing now, walking over to Nonie and pulling her into a hug. 

“I still think you’re an idiot... for always sticking with me. After all that I’ve done..”  Nonie shook her head. “Believe me, sometimes I feel like an idiot too. But I’m glad to have you. You’re not a bad person, Merula. Your alliance with the death eaters, it was... unfortunate, but not your choice. I know that you had no other choice, everyone does. And you gave us so much information to track down death eaters and their hideouts after you escaped. I know you’re not on their side.”

Suddenly, Merula let go of her and cleared her throat. “You are getting to emotional, Star. Let’s go inside, I’m cold.”  And with that, she walked back inside.  Nonie grinned, and followed her. Merula would be Merula. That was one thing that would never change.  Emotions would never really be her thing, but Nonie could live with that. 

She knew that Merula loved her, even if she didn’t always show it. 

[incorrectbandofbrothersquotes]

Downton’s Easy Company - Chapter 16

A Band of Brothers x Downton Abbey Crossover

Summary: The new generation of Downton is taking over, but just as the second world war is raging across Europe. On a cool London night, the children of the Crawleys meet the boys of the American 101st Airborne. Worlds collide and hearts are on the line.

Word Count: 3.4k

Tag List: @purplelavalamp​​​, @johnny-martin-is-mypeanut​​​, @the-disassembled-boy​​​, @tvserie-s-world​​​, @50svibes​​​, @cherriesx​​​, @incognito-princess​​​, @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant​​​, @claire-bear-1218, @goingmyway​​​​, @marv-llous​​​, @foalystechcrew​​​, @mother-dearest-loves-me​​, @dench1992​​​, @neverendingstories00​​​, @greenmonkeyfish, @grumpablebutloveable​​​, @lilaxdream​​​ @iilovemusic12us​​​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: I hope you enjoy this update! There’s a lot of letters, but I figured they were the best way to show the time passing while they’re separated, so I hope that comes across to everyone :)

Warning(s): None :)

Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6  Chapter 7  Chapter 8  Chapter 9  Chapter 10  Chapter 11  Chapter 12  Chapter 13  Chapter 14  Chapter 15

OR

READ THIS FIC ON AO3

Chapter 16 here we go!!!

Dear George,

I’m so relieved you’re back in England. Let us know when you have some leave so we can prepare for you here at home. We miss you a great deal.

Katrine seems sweet enough, though she is rather private. Her boy has made himself quite comfortable, especially with Mama and Papa. We offered to hire a nanny, but Katrine wouldn’t hear of it. It seems an odd way to raise a child to me, but I suppose it comes from her own upbringing. 

You’re right about the boy being bright. Papa and I have taken initiative and are looking into some schools close by. He’s too young to enroll just yet, but we had a tutor evaluate him, and the report was quite promising. 

I do wish you’d tell me how you came by these two. I know you said they helped you when you were trapped in Holland, but I’d like the full story. Perhaps when you come home next, you and I can have a long discussion about it, and the possibilities for the Mondeels here in Yorkshire.

On an unrelated note, have you heard anything from Caroline? We haven’t seen her since before Christmas, and she has not been answering my letters. Have we done something to upset her? If you have any information, do share.

I hope you’re well, my darling.

Love,

Mother. 

***

Dear Ron,

I can’t tell you how good it was to hear from you after all those weeks of silence. I’m also glad you’re out of danger (mostly) and can correspond again. I’ve missed you, as weak as it sounds to admit it. 

Baby and I are doing just fine. I am starting to show more now. So much so that I’m finally making use of the maternity clothes Victoria brought me. I’ve had them tailored so that they’re more modern - not that fashion matters much in times like this - but it does make me feel better. 

I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been in touch with my family. Just Marigold, Sybbie, Victoria, and George. There isn’t much to tell them except the one thing I know I can’t tell them. As I told you, it doesn’t feel like the sort of thing you put in a letter. Do you think I should grit my teeth and bear it? Or can I put it off a little longer? I’m really beginning to miss my mother, whose presence would be much appreciated by her frightened daughter. 

I must make another admission. I am scared of this. Of the birth, yes, but mostly what comes after. We are going to be responsible for a life. It’s completely overwhelming. Not that I want to bog you down, you’ve got plenty to worry about where you are, but do you ever think of such things? How do you feel about a nanny? I had one growing up, but I understand you likely did not. Was it helpful to you? There’s so much to consider.

I’m also trying to come up with names. I like plenty of boy’s names, but I am starting to wonder if we should have a girl name picked out as well, just in case. I really do think it’s a boy, but one can never be too prepared. 

Here are the names I like so far:

Robert (after my grandfather)

Phillip

Theodore (Ted for short)

Wesley

Charles

Let me know your opinion on these. Keep in mind, his middle name should be Ronald, after you, as is tradition. Do you do that in America? 

If you’ve got any girl names, send them along. I really do think we should decide on one of each.

Be careful, love.

Your Caroline

***

Caroline,

Glad everything’s alright. I’m doing fine. I’d tell you more details, but they’d be redacted anyway, so what’s the point?

You tell your family only when you’re ready. Don’t worry about them. Focus on staying healthy. That’s the only priority right now. If you really need your mom, reach out. She might not like it, but she is still your mother. 

Nobody’s ever really ready for parenthood. Just remember that we are adults and it’s a baby. It doesn’t know how to do anything. We can handle this. 

I did not have a nanny, but depending on how the war goes, you might need the help. Let’s play that one by ear. Don’t overthink it. 

Girls' names are irrelevant, we’re not having a girl. 

As for the names you’ve chosen, here are my thoughts.

Robert is a no go. That’s Colonel Sink’s name and I don’t want to give him a big head.

Phillip is a possibility. 

No to Theodore/Ted. Much too old sounding. 

Wesley can stay in the running. 

I don’t like Charles. 

Now, for your consideration, here are names that I like: 

James

Thomas 

Leo

Haven’t been able to think of much more. But let me know what you think. 

Ron

***

Ron,

You are truly a stubborn arse. All the more shame on me for falling for you, I suppose. 

In spite of all that, I thank you for your reassurance. I will wait some more before telling my family. Marigold and Victoria are doing a very good job of caring for me. 

If you refuse to acknowledge the possibility of a girl, I will simply choose a name myself and you will just have to live with it. I like Violet, after my great-grandmother.

As for the boy names you picked out, I have to say no to Thomas. My uncle is Tom Branson, and then we have our butler Thomas Barrow, and I should hate for our child’s name to be confused with those two. I don’t mean that in a bad way, they’re two of my favorite people, but to have three Tom/Thomas’s in my heart would only get confusing. 

The other two names I very much like. So our list is now down to: 

Phillip

Wesley

James

Leo

(and Violet)

We can narrow it down further at a later date. I’m afraid I have to cut this letter short as I have a doctor’s appointment. 

Stay safe, love.

Your Caroline

Speirs wrinkled his nose at the latest letter. It may have also been because of the dank smell of Haguenau, but he preferred to blame Caroline. Truly, he was fond of the final list of names. He stared at the last one that she scratched out and turned it over in his mind. 

“Violet?” he murmured. 

“Sir?” questioned Lipton from his spot on the couch.

Speirs looked at the sergeant. “What do you think of the name Violet?”

Lipton’s brow furrowed. Before he could answer, he coughed, a small rattle still in his chest, though he was doing much better than before. 

“Violet?” he asked. “For what, like a cat?”

“No, like a baby,” Speirs said. 

He still had not told any of his men about Caroline’s pregnancy. He considered telling Lipton now, just to have someone around he could consult on these matters, but thought better of it. Enough people knew as it was and Caroline was not around to give her permission. 

“Ah, I see,” Lip replied. “I think it’s sweet. Traditional, but not overdone.”

Speirs was surprised that Lip did not challenge a baby name inquiry at a time like this. That was Lip, though. All support, no questions asked. Speirs took a deep breath.

“What do you think of Phillip?”

***

Dear Joe,

I hope I haven’t offended you somehow. It’s been weeks with no word from you. And the girls have received letters from others in your company, so I can’t help feeling like it’s personal. If something has changed between us, I hope you will share that with me. Just give me some clarity, please.

Love,

Victoria

Joe sighed, struggling to put the letter into his pocket with the truck rocking through the countryside. Eventually, he tucked it away and buttoned his pocket over it. Webster watched Joe with keen interest. Especially since Joe’s face looked so pained as he read. 

“Everything alright?” Webster asked. 

“What’s it to you?” Joe returned. 

Webster shrugged. “Alright, I’ll mind my business.”

He returned to his journal. Joe chewed his cheek and glowered out at the scenery. 

“It’s Victoria,” he admitted.

He needed to talk to someone about it. Why not Web? 

Webster looked up curiously. “What about her?”

“I think I gotta break up with her,” Joe said. “We’re just...too different.”

“Is that so bad?” Webster wondered. “Maybe you can balance each other out.”

“Nah, I think we want different things,” Joe insisted. “I love the girl, but I can’t ask her to give up everything for me, y’know?”

“I can’t say I’m familiar with the situation,” Webster said. “But I understand what you’re saying. Either way you go, one of you will be making a huge sacrifice. What you have to decide is if it’s worth it.”

Joe heaved another sigh. “I don’t know…”

“I think you have your answer then,” Webster said. 

With that, he started writing again and left Joe to his thoughts. Joe considered that. He wasn’t totally sure about Victoria. If he was, shouldn’t he be willing to sacrifice? But he thought of her sweet smile and the tenderness of her heart, and he felt weak. He was lucky Victoria wanted to be with him, wanted to compromise with him. He had to think about it some more. He needed to decide what he really wanted out of life. But what were the possibilities? They were heading into Germany, but the war was not over yet. 

***

Dear Dick,

Paris is settling down and beginning to feel like the place I left years ago. It’s been fun to take Victoria and Caroline around. Caroline is getting bigger every day it seems, but she’s very healthy. Incredibly, I felt the child kick, and I daresay it made me rather emotional. I feel my cousin is hardly out of her own childhood, and now she is bringing new life into the world. 

It reminds me of my own mother. I wish I could confide this in Caroline, but I feel it isn’t really my story to tell. I’m a key player in it, of course, but obviously my mother’s privacy comes first. Thank you again for your own discretion. 

Seeing Caroline become a mother has also put thoughts of my own future into perspective. After everything I’ve been through, I want very much to live simply. Because of my parentage, I can never really belong in the world my family exists in. I don’t think it’s what I want anyway. I just want a peaceful, quiet place to raise a family and perhaps write a novel. How do you picture your life after the war? I don’t believe we’ve discussed it before. I do hope I am somewhere in your imaginings. You are certainly in mine. 

You are also in my thoughts and prayers. Do take care of yourself. 

Love, 

Marigold

Dick read over Marigold’s words, touched. She said exactly the things he was hoping she would. They were heading in the same direction, with the same goals. It was a relief to him. It was easy to picture Marigold as his wife, at his side. He admired her, respected her, and loved her. 

“What are you smiling about over there?” Nixon teased. 

Dick shook his head. “Nothing. Just something nice Marigold wrote.”

“Oh?” Nix returned, raising a curious eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” Dick said. “I think it’s time to talk about something more serious between us.”

Nix smirked. “Should I say congratulations now or wait until after the ceremony?”

Dick rolled his eyes. 

***

Dear Marigold,

It might sound silly, but I made a promise to myself after D-Day that should I survive the war, I’d find myself somewhere quiet to live out my life in peace. And you are absolutely a part of that picture. You have belonged there since that fateful day in the elevator. 

I’m glad to hear Caroline is doing alright with the baby. I would like to check on Speirs, but it feels like an awkward thing to ask about. So I’m afraid I don’t have any updates on him, though I’m sure he’s in contact with Caroline. 

Germany is surprisingly nice. Maybe it’s the warm weather or the lack of artillery, but we’re enjoying it here. The war should be over soon. So I’m happy to begin planning that future with you if that’s what you want. That obviously includes an offer I’d rather make in person, and we can have that conversation the next time I see you. Hopefully, that won’t be too long. 

I love you and miss you.

Yours, 

Dick

***

Dear Gene,

Bill and Joe are doing alright. They’ll be heading home soon, and selfish as it is, I will miss them terribly. They’re truly the most entertaining patients I’ve ever had, especially Bill. But of course you’re familiar with his personality. 

I hope I’m able to get to Paris soon to be with Caroline. She has asked me to be there to be an advocate for her for something big coming up. Really big. I’m afraid I can’t tell you exactly what it is, as it’s just a bit scandalous. But she’s made some wishes known to me. That sounds ominous, but everything is going well so far.

I hope you’re doing well. With spring’s arrival, there must be a bit of a reprieve if you’re outdoors. Do you have a comfortable place to sleep at least? Lord knows you and your men have earned it. 

As for myself, I’ve applied to a university in Dublin, to attend in the fall (if the war is over, and it looks like it may be soon). I think it’s high time I experienced my Irish heritage and I want more for myself. I love being a nurse, but I want to explore all my options. I haven’t told anyone in the family yet. I’m going to Downton soon and will talk it over with George (he’s home on leave), but I wanted to tell you first. I could use additional hopes for my acceptance. 

Look after yourself. Get some rest. Don’t forget to eat. 

All my love,

Sybbie

Eugene tried not to be dismayed at the news. He wanted Sybbie to do what was best for her, but it dashed his hopes of asking her to come back to Louisiana with him. Not permanently - at least not right away - but to see a bit of his world. The way he had seen hers at Downton Abbey. He supposed it was still possible, but there was no guarantee of when the war would be over and their timeframe depended entirely on that. 

Even if she was able to visit, how could they progress together - if that was even what they were - with her in Dublin and him at home? He tried to picture himself staying in Europe, but he hated the idea. He missed home too much. He did not feel he belonged in Europe, nor did he particularly want to. For the first time, they weren’t on the same page.

***

Dear Sybbie, 

Thanks for all the updates on Guarnere and Toye. We’re all worried about them, and your letters put our minds at ease. I know those two appreciated your help too, and they’ll miss you back in the states. 

It sounds awfully suspicious about Caroline. I trust you though. And she must too if she’s asking you to join her in Paris. 

Good news, I am sleeping in a bed most nights. You’re so sweet to worry about things like that for me. 

I’m proud of you for taking a chance and applying to school. Not a lot of girls have the courage to do that, even if they want to. But you’re spirited enough. I have no doubt you’ll get in. You’re a brilliant nurse, and even if you aren’t accepted, you’ll have a great career ahead of you. 

You should tell your father you applied. I think it’ll make him really happy that you’re interested in Ireland. And you’ll have his hopes in your corner as well. 

I know it’s unlikely, but I hope I’ll get to see you before you go. 

Take care of yourself,

Eugene

***

Dear Caroline,

I’m home again on leave, and I still haven’t confessed my feelings to Kat or to Mother. Do you think me a dreadful coward? I’m beginning to think it of myself. In fairness, Mother hardly lets me alone when I’m at home, so Kat and I barely get time together for me to be able to have any sort of real discussion with her. I have bought a ring, though, and enclosed the catalog I purchased it from for your approval. You have very fine taste, and I trust you. 

How are you doing? The arrival should be soon, right? Spring is fully upon us now - truly a good time for welcoming something new. I hope it all goes smoothly and you come out of it feeling as strong as I know you to be. I’m looking forward to your return to Downton. 

Stay safe.

Your brother, 

George

Caroline rubbed her swollen belly as she read George’s letter, her back aching. Her cousins were around her, Sybbie finally having arrived at last. The baby was due soon. May snuck up on her so quickly, she wondered where the time went. Nerves began to eat at her the closer she got, especially since she still had not told the rest of the family. She took Ron’s words to heart. She would only tell them when she was good and ready. 

She decided also to get the birth over with before telling them. Perhaps they would be charmed by how cute it would be - which she was certain of - and would be more forgiving. It was always harder to be honest to someone’s face, especially a baby’s, and Caroline was banking on that. Plus, she wanted to arrange for George to be with her when she told them. She hoped he would wait on proposing to Kat. The ring he chose was stunning, and she made a mental note to tell him so.

On the morning of May 8, Caroline enjoyed breakfast with Sybbie and Victoria while Marigold went down to get a newspaper. Caroline sipped her tea and hoped there would be some good news at last. 

“Why don’t you just turn on the radio?” Victoria wondered.

“Because it’s ghastly noise,” Caroline said. “Mornings are meant for quietly reading the newspaper like sensible people.”

Victoria laughed and rolled her eyes. Suddenly, Marigold burst into the room, looking winded and completely shell shocked. She’d clearly run all the way up from the lobby. 

“Goodness, Marigold, what is it?” Sybbie asked. 

“The war is over,” Marigold blurted out, holding out the day’s newspaper. 

They all saw the VE-Day headline, though they couldn’t quite believe it. After all these years at war, it had become the new normal. The send offs, the letters, the telegrams, the sleepless nights. It was all over. No more fighting. No more death. No more. 

“Good God in heaven,” Caroline breathed out. “Can it really be true?”

“It’s right there in black and white,” Marigold said, staring at the paper as if it were a bomb that might take her hand off any second. 

They all feared this was a dream they might wake up from. Slowly, Sybbie rose from her chair, tears filling her eyes. She gazed at each of her cousins, who she truly regarded more as sisters now, and she reached for their hands. She took hold of Caroline’s, Caroline took hold of Victoria’s, Victoria took Marigold’s, and then Marigold and Sybbie completed the circle. 

“We made it, girls,” Sybbie said. “And so did our men.”

Caroline blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek. She took a deep breath and blinked the rest away. 

“What are we blubbering about?” she joked. “This calls for a celebration! We should be ordering champagne not crying like babies!”

They all laughed and agreed, fighting the lumps in their throats and the mist in their eyes. And they did order champagne. Together, they shared a toast to the end of the war, and the start of their new lives. 

***

Dear Marigold,

I’ve talked things over with Colonel Sink, and he’s agreed to have you all join us in Zell am Zee, Austria. Our lodgings will suit you well, I think. Plus, I know Ron is anxious to be present when Caroline gives birth. Hopefully, it hasn’t already happened. If you can clear it with her doctor to travel, let me know when we can expect you. 

Looking forward to your answer. 

Yours,

Dick

[wolftraps]

For the reverb inspiration thing honestly I'd kinda like more Ethan stuff? Mostly because it'd be fun to see someone adjusting to the future institute and that sort of flavor of outsider POV intrigues me. Plus I also just... Love Naomi a lot...

As happens with literally everything I write, this ended up longer than intended. So here’s Ethan’s first week at the Blackwood Institute. Poor guy. His boss is a creepy moron. Warning for a brief mention of self-harm and eye trauma right at the start here, but pretty much everything is canon-typical. This is also on AO3.

--

Being an Assistant Archivist at the Blackwood Institute is… well, it’s nerve-wracking honestly. There’s no formal training, and this seems to be largely because there’s been only one other person to have held the position in… ever, as far as Ethan can tell. And that had been over fifteen years ago and lasted a grand total of nine months before Chloe Halloway, age 29, had a “crisis of faith” and tendered her resignation by pouring bleach directly into her eyes.

“If you’re going to reconsider your position here,” Jon said matter-of-factly, after telling Ethan this, “I highly suggest you do so prior to signing a permanent contract.”

Which was really unnecessarily creepy, sure, but creepy is sort of why Ethan is here in the first place, so not that surprising. The least Miss Halloway could have done, in his opinion, was leave some kind of manual or something behind. A guide. Notes. Ethan would probably be willing to kill a man for a “To-Do list” at this point.

Technically Ethan has his own office, but the room is dusty and cluttered and doesn’t actually have a desk or chair yet, so he set up in the main Archive area, where there are three ancient desks, three slightly less ancient desk chairs, a small table, and inexplicably, a wardrobe and a worn armchair. Finding the least uncomfortable configuration of furniture made him feel a bit like Goldilocks, despite the desks and corresponding chairs being virtually identical. He figured that was what had been meant by “make yourself comfortable.” Jon didn’t say any different.

Between orientation (signing papers, sitting through general training, another tour, getting his picture taken with an actual polaroid camera, etc) and “settling in,” it hadn’t mattered the first day that Jon didn’t give him any direction. And when Ethan got in on the second day, Jon had already been in the middle of taking a statement, so Ethan had busied himself going through the desk he’d taken. And then another desk. And then the other desk.

At the end of that task, he had various office supplies, a good dozen unfiled statements, five tape recorders, sixteen unlabeled tapes, five labeled tapes that didn’t match any of the unfiled statements, a small notebook with a few unfinished poems, a bag of what might have once been gummy worms, a nearly empty bottle of vodka, two very faded polaroids of a younger Jon and Martin with a woman identified on the back as Sasha, and a large, large stack of poorly drawn and seemingly conflicting maps. Also a lingering feeling that he would never be able to fully get the cobwebs off his arms.

He wasn’t sure what to do with any of it.

Well, except for the gummy worms and vodka, which he promptly disposed of.

Most of the rest ended up on top of one of the unused desks. And by the time that was done, it was nearly time to leave. As far as Ethan could tell, Jon hadn’t come out of his office once. Though, apparently the statement-giver had left at some point without Ethan noticing, so he couldn’t actually be sure. He does have a tendency to block everything else out when he’s focused on a task.

When he came in on the third day, the desk he’d placed everything on was clear and Jon wasn’t in his office. In absence of anything else to do, Ethan started looking through the database. From reading (and supposing any of what he heard on The Observer Chronicles was accurate), he thought he understood a couple of the categories. Others seemed a bit too… arbitrary. Most entries appeared to have corresponding files regarding any follow-up done, but very few had actual digital copies of the statements themselves. And only the discredited statements had audio files.

Jon didn’t return until well after lunch time, and when he did he seemed almost surprised to see Ethan there.

“You should take an early day,” Jon told him, before Ethan managed to formulate any of his questions. “Daisy’s brought me a statement. Probably best it doesn’t see you in case we decide to let it go.”

And then he went into his office. Ethan had no idea who Daisy was or how a statement was supposed to see him— or what it would do to him if it did— but it didn’t look like he was going to get any answers now, and it probably wasn’t a good idea to risk it. So he was left with nothing but to do as Jon suggested.

—

“You’re home early,” Naomi says when he walks in to find his mum sitting on the couch.

“So are you,” Ethan replies, and he didn’t even do all that much today, but he feels exhausted none-the-less.

“I had an appointment,” she reminds him. Right. He knew that. He’d just… forgotten. But he knows she hadn’t really expected him to remember. “Nothing to report. So? What has you home already?”

“Jon told me to go home. Someone named Daisy brought him a statement, and he thought it was better I wasn’t there. Why? I have no idea.”

“Well, it’s early yet, and they deal with some pretty dangerous things there,” she reasons. “The Jon I knew tried to look out for people. Can’t say I’m not glad if it’s still the same.”

“Sure, but…” Ethan stands there, fiddling with the strap of his bag, staring at the coffee table as he tries to find the words. Naomi waits, but he’s not sure what to say.

“Why don’t you go put your bag down,” she says eventually. “Think it over a bit, then come sit with me. I’ll get you some tea and wake up Beaker.”

True to her word, when Ethan gets back in more comfortable clothes, there’s a cup of tea waiting on the table, just barely steaming, and a squirming, growling ball of orange fluff in his mum’s lap. The moment he sits and Naomi lets go, the cat is in his lap, squeaking her indignation. Her brush is already set on the couch beside him.

“Thanks,” he says, and his mum just nods.

“So?” she prompts.

Ethan sighs. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Ethan, you’ve only been there three days. Not even three days. Everyone feels lost when they start a new job. It happened literally every time you started a new year in school, if you’ll recall.” He keeps brushing Beaker, but he can see his mum smiling in his peripheral vision and he rolls his eyes.

“No, yeah, I know that. I mean I literally have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s been no training. No instructions. I don’t- I cleaned out desks and I looked through the database and I read some old statements, and I keep waiting for Jon to say something. Tell me what I’m supposed to do. Explain anything.” Beaker squeaks again, nipping at his arm as he absently tugs a bit too hard at a knot of fur. “Sorry. Sorry.”

“I’m going to be honest,” Naomi says, huffing slightly the same way she does every time the tube runs late, even though she expects it. “That’s far, far more common than you’d think.”

“That makes no sense, though! How are people supposed to do their jobs if no one explains how to do the job?”

“Well… I think a lot of people try to pretend and copy the people around them. It’s usually better to just ask, though. People can get so used to doing something that they honestly forget that other people don’t know how, and Jon’s been doing this for a very long time. What did he say when you asked?”

On the table, Ethan’s tea is going cold. If he leans over to get it, though, Beaker will probably yell at him and run away, and brushing her really is helping him relax. But his mouth feels so dry, and it might be worth it.

“Ethan,” his mum says in that tone. That one she always got right before Caleb tried to lie to her. “You did ask Jon, right?”

There’s another knot in Beaker’s fur, but he takes more care with this one and she just keeps purring. He rocks. His mouth is still so dry.

Naomi sighs, setting her own cup down and passing Ethan his, handle out. It’d be alright today, he thinks, if their hands touched when he took it from her, but she’s always careful anyway. He takes a sip. The tea is good, as always, though he can’t help thinking of his interview with Martin. There’d been a cup waiting for him in Martin’s office. His favorite kind, perfectly made. He’d meant to ask Martin how he knew, but then he just… hadn’t.

“You didn’t. Ethan, you… Okay. Okay. Why not?” his mum asks.

“I don’t know! He’s always… in his office and- and busy or— I don’t know. He makes me a little… nervous or something.”

“Intimidated.”

“Maybe?”

“I can understand that,” she says. “The first time I technically met Jon, I was terrified of him. The first… many times. Even after I actually met him and got to talk to him, I kept having to remind myself that he didn’t want to hurt me. If he’s still like I remember him, and I’m willing to bet he is, then I don’t think leaving you to figure things out yourself or not talking to you is intentional. He’s really a very… very awkward man.” She’s staring at the wall, but doesn’t seem to be looking at anything, and after a moment she laughs a little. “Promise me you’ll at least try to talk to him Monday?”

Ethan promises, of course.

—

Jon doesn’t even seem to understand the words at first, when Ethan asks him what an assistant here does. For a few seconds, there’s no expression, and then Jon’s brow furrows and he looks down at the papers on his desk like he might read the answer there.

“I— Hmm,” he says. “F-file? Organize? I— What did they— I never actually was one, so… It occurs to me that I am very lucky I chose to include Sasha after all. You might ask her? Or- or Martin. They actually did the assisting once upon a time, so…” Jon shrugs, or Ethan thinks he does. There’s a cat draped across his shoulders, so they don’t actually move much. And then Ethan stands there, and Jon sits, and neither of them say anything, and if Ethan’s mum is right, it’s because neither of them is quite sure what to say.

Ethan leaves.

Martin was nice during his interview. Encouraging and friendly and patient when it took some time for Ethan to decide what to say. It was a far, far easier interview than he’d feared. And Martin had said Ethan could come to him if he had any questions. Despite that, Martin makes Ethan even more nervous than Jon. It’s always worse disappointing friendly people.

So instead, Ethan makes his way to the Library, because that’s where Sasha works, if he’s remembering right. Once he’s there, though, he has no idea where to look, and it occurs to him that there may be more than one Sasha. The one he’d seen when he interviewed was young; maybe a couple years older than him. But the one in the pictures he found in the Archives would surely be Jon’s age at least. There’s no one who looks like either of them that he can see.

“Excuse me,” he says to someone who is probably a librarian, since he’s sitting at a desk with a plaque that says the date and ‘You’d have been out of here days ago if you’d just asked for help.’ The man doesn’t look up from his book. “I’m looking for Sasha?”

“Upstairs,” the guy says. The library is only one floor, though. It’s the first time he’s been in it, but Ethan made note of all Mara’s warnings.

“I’d like to speak to Sasha,” he says, firmer. The guy doesn’t look up and doesn’t look up and doesn’t… and then something changes and he stiffens and slowly looks up at Ethan, and he seems almost… nervous.

The man coughs. “O-oh. You’re- you’re from the Archives.”

“Yes,” Ethan agrees. “I need to talk to Sasha?”

“Right. Sure. Um, I’ll get— uh, Kelly- Kelly will help you.” The man nods toward something over Ethan’s shoulder. When he turns there’s someone already there, a bit too close, and Ethan didn’t know teeth could be that white.

“Hi!” They smile and smile. “I’m Michael. You can call me Kelly. I’m here to help. This way please!” Literally turning on their heel, they walk away with a gait more like a bounce than a walk, and Ethan follows. Right up until they hop onto the first step.

“I—” he says. Even before they turn their head, he can somehow see their smile. Human necks almost definitely aren’t supposed to turn that far. He almost forgets what he meant to say.

“Yes?”

“I— I was told the library is only one storey.”

They smile and smile. “That’s right.”

“But… the stairs?” he asks.

“What stairs?” Their head tilts, like a curious dog, still looking over their shoulder. And human necks definitely aren’t supposed to turn like that.

Ethan looks down at the stair Kelly is perched on, and they look down as well. There is no acknowledgement of the stairs.

“Come on!” They smile. “Best to take the first step at a bit of a jump!”

And they keep going up the stairs, so Ethan takes a breath and hops onto the first step.

Except it isn’t a step. It’s… a rug maybe? It doesn’t stop looking like stairs, but the whole thing is level, and he nearly trips more than a couple times expecting his foot to hit the floor before it does. When they reach the end, he looks back. Back and down. Down at the library, one storey below.

At the end of a short hallway, there is a yellow door; one that Ethan is sure he’s seen before, except somewhere else. Kelly bounces up to it and knocks, and looks back at him and smiles and smiles, and then the door creaks open.

The person who emerges is definitely the young woman he saw when he came for his interview, but she’s also almost definitely the woman in the photograph from decades ago.

“Hi, Sasha!” Kelly smiles. “This one wants to talk to you!”

“Oh? Oh!” Sasha also smiles, and there’s a ringing in Ethan’s ear when she talks, but it seems like a fairly normal smile. At least, comparatively. “You’re the new Archival Assistant!”

“Uh, A- Assistant Archivist, actually.” It probably doesn’t matter. People are always telling him things like this don’t matter, and he shouldn’t bother correcting them. For some reason, though, it really feels like this does.

Sasha, at least, looks a bit surprised. “Really? Huh. That’s fascinating.”

Ethan is at least 75% sure she isn’t being sarcastic. “Is it?”

The hallway couldn’t have been more than five meters, but her laugh echoes down it. “It is! Thank you, Kelly. I’ll be sure Ethan makes his way back alright.”

It’s a clear dismissal, but Kelly doesn’t move. They keep looking at Sasha and they smile and smile and smile until eventually Sasha rolls her eyes and scoffs.

“Please,” she says. “I couldn’t lose one of Jon’s if I wanted to. He’ll be back in the Archives as soon as we’re done talking.”

Kelly smiles. “Okay!” they say cheerily, as if there’d never been any tension at all. “Nice to meet you, Ethan!” and then they’re gone.

“They’re a good kid,” Sasha says. “Well, then. Please, step into my office.” She closes the yellow door behind her and opens a different one beside it, that Ethan is also sure hadn’t been there a moment before. It’s a normal enough door, though. Looks a lot like Jon’s, actually. Sasha waves him through, and if he didn’t know better, Ethan would be sure he was back in the Archives.

In fact, he’s pretty sure that’s the same couch that’s currently sitting in Jon’s office and the same armchair he’d moved into his own “office” the other day; though both look in significantly better shape here.

“Have a seat,” Sasha says, dropping onto the couch— or draping herself across it rather— and eliciting a grumbling meow from an almost opalescent white cat that flicks its tail when she goes to pet it and jumps into Ethan’s lap the moment he settles into the chair. At first touch its fur feels like marble, but then he pets it and it feels like plush. He can’t hear the purr, but the rumble makes his fingers tingle.

“So, Ethan. What can I help you with?” Sasha asks.

“Well. My job… I hope.”

She sits up and sounds delighted when she says, “Oh, did you find a statement about me already? You’ve only been here a couple weeks, haven’t you?”

“Four… days?” It’s not a question. Ethan knows this is his fourth day. Knows. Yet for some reason he starts second guessing himself. It has only been four days… right? Yes. Yes, four days.

After the “stairs,” he doesn’t bother asking why there would be statements about her.

Sasha thinks for a moment and then waves his comment away. “Close enough. Time is fake. So… which one is it?”

“I didn’t— find a statement. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Jon told me to ask you because you’ve actually done the job before.”

If she keeps laughing like that, he’s going to end up with a headache. The ringing is terrible.

“I’m sorry,” she laughs. “I wish I could think you were joking, but I know you’re not. I love Jon. He’s such a disaster. You know he knows basically everything?” Ethan does not know that. A lot, definitely. More than anyone logically should or could, sure. But everything?

“That… sounds improbable.” Buried in the cat’s equally improbable fur, Ethan’s fingers start going numb.

“He does. He knows almost everything and then always forgets that he knows anything. It’s hilarious,” Sasha says with a grin. “Alright. We used to do a lot of research, but that was back when we were cleaning up Gertrude’s mess and all the work the actual Research department did somehow got lost on its way down the stairs. The real ones. And Jon only knew most things rather than basically everything…”

She tells him she did research and reorganized possibly the worst archiving system in the world. She tells him she took statement-givers’ information and caught flies to feed the spiders in the corners. She tells him she killed worms and mapped underground tunnels and scanned in old letters and typed up written statements and managed “monster relations” and blew up mannequins and recorded false statements and hacked government networks and provided alibis and stole old books from museums and sang to the recorders so they wouldn’t start eating people’s fingers and updated the database and appeased disgruntled “youtubers” and collected obituaries and plotted her boss’s death.

Ethan is sure some of these things aren’t true, but he just walked up a flight of not-stairs, so he honestly couldn’t begin to guess which. He’s also not sure how many of them are relevant.

“Mostly, though,” Sasha concludes, “you take care of Jon.”

He does try to ask about the categories, and a couple of the titles she gives them make some kind of sense, but she also says category 06 is “me”, 09 is poker, 10 is geese, and 15 is millennials, so he decides to take those with a grain of salt as well.

When they finally leave her office, the door opens into the front lobby.

“There we are! Back safe and sane, just like I promised. I know I said I’d get you back to the Archives, but I’m not actually allowed to open doors down there anymore. And it’s only… Oops.” The lobby is quiet and the windows are dark. It’s definitely well into evening, though Ethan suspects midnight has come and gone. His watch starts buzzing with missed messages. “Well, I’m sure it’s at least the same day or Jon would’ve yelled at me by now. I could give you a shortcut home?”

The yellow door is back, and beyond it is a long hallway.

“I think I’d better take the long way,” he says.

Sasha nods. “That’s fair.”

—

If Ethan could actually figure out how to message HR, he would just message them. Even if it took them a day to get back to him, he’d still be better off than he has been so far. Unfortunately, he can’t find any sort of contact information for them at all. So the morning of his fifth day, he goes to the front desk and meets Priya No-Last-Name-As-Is-Tradition, who handles “reception, admin, and whatever Martin needs.”

He doesn’t ask, but she informs him Martin will be in a meeting all morning anyway. That’s fine. She’s more than happy to walk him up to HR and introduce him to a woman named Hope.

Hope startles when she sees them, and her fingers freeze on her keyboard, but there is definitely some kind of movement in her lap, barely visible over the edge of the desk. Then she smiles and turns to face them and Ethan does not comment on the fact that he can see two long, black limbs trying to shove some sort of yarn project into the drawer of a filing cabinet behind her. Priya nods at a job well done and leaves him there.

“How can I help you?” Hope asks. There’s something not quite right about her smile, but Ethan doesn’t comment on that either.

Instead, he says, “Do you have any sort of job description or scope of duties for the Assistant Archivist position?”

Hope blinks.

“The what?” she asks.

“The Assistant Archivist position.”

She blinks again. Her smile is gone, and he’s honestly glad for it. “Assistant… Archivist.”

“Yes.”

“That’s a thing?”

“I would hope so? I was just hired as one, so…”

She blinks again, then shakes her head. “Right. Sorry. Of course. I just… Honestly, I was sort of under the impression no one could work down there but the Archivist.”

Given that apparently only one other person has in longer than Ethan’s been alive, he doesn’t exactly blame her. Still, he’s pretty sure it’s her job to know these things, and he’d really like an answer.

“I understand,” he says, “but I do work down there. So…”

“Right. Yes. Assistant Archivist, you said? Just a moment.” She turns back to her display, taps a few keys, and then starts scrolling. And scrolling. And scrolling. All the while singing “Assistant Archivist Archivist Assistant Assist Assist the Archivist” under her breath.

Three minutes later, Ethan is still waiting.

“Are you… sure that’s your position title?” she asks finally, and Ethan turns around and heads back to the Archives.

—

While he hopes he never has to do most of the things Sasha listed as her duties, there are a couple Ethan thinks he can probably manage. He has no idea what, if anything, might need to be done with the statements that already have case numbers, but there’s a shelf of boxes near the Archive entrance labeled “Me Next!” that Jon had said were unprocessed. Maybe he won’t be able to fit them all into the proper categories, but there have to be some that are obviously false, and it seems as good a way as any to get more familiar with the database.

Halfway through the day, he switches to listening to some of the old audio files to figure out the format. It doesn’t seem too complicated. Probably he can record a couple test statements, get a feel for it.

Twenty minutes later, he gives up searching and asks Jon where to find their recording software. Jon frowns and tells him he’s better off finding a free one online, so Ethan reaches out to IT instead.

Ten minutes after that, he gets a message from Cass Walters telling him to check his apps again and that he’ll “know it when [he] see[s] it.” So he does.

Halfway through the list there’s an icon with a stylized cassette tape. It’s labeled “IM TELLING YOU IT FUCKING WORKS JON”, and Ethan figures that’s probably it. Thankfully it’s fairly intuitive, and it might end up being a total waste of his time, but by the end of the day he has three halfway decent recordings and feels like he accomplished something, at least.

-

On his sixth day, one week after starting, Ethan comes in just in time to hear someone say, “Are you kidding me?!” really quite loudly in Jon’s office.

It doesn’t sound like the sort of conversation he wants to disturb, so he goes to his desk and gets set up as quietly as he can and meets the cat’s judging stare head-on while eavesdropping. She blinks and rubs up against his leg, and he can’t help but think it was some kind of test. Apparently he passed.

“You know everything, Jon,” the same person says, and Ethan is at least 80% sure it’s Martin.

“Not ev—”

“Everything,” Martin repeats. “How can you possibly not know what your own assistant is supposed to be doing?”

“I can’t know things that don’t exist, Martin. Chloe always wanted to figure everything out herself and made things up as she went along. It may as well be a new position. So, I don’t know.” There’s a moment of silence.

“Jon,” Martin says.

“… Yes, Martin.”

“Love,” Martin says.

Jon sighs. “Yes, Martin. I realize—”

“That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Yes, Martin. I get it.”

“He’s an Assistant Archivist! Tell him what you need assistance archiving!”

“I’ll take care of it,” Jon says. If either of them say anything in the few minutes after that, though, it’s too quiet for Ethan to hear.

“Alright,” Martin says, like they’ve come to some kind of agreement despite the silence. “I love you.”

“Yes, Martin,” Jon says, the same tired way he’d said it before, though there’s a slight laugh at the end now. “I know.”

Martin is smiling when he comes out of Jon’s office. Instead of leaving the Archives, he walks up to Ethan’s desk and sets a mug of barely steaming tea down upon it.

“It should be just right now,” Martin says, like he’d known exactly when Ethan was going to arrive— despite him being half an hour early— and purposely made the tea so it would have cooled to the perfect temperature the moment he walked in. It is, of course, made perfectly as well. “I should have warned you a bit more about Jon. He’s a bit of a moron sometimes, but he means well. The next time you ask a question and he says he doesn’t know or tries to send you to someone else, just ask again, a bit slower. Usually the critical thinking capabilities will catch on then. Come see me whenever you’re free on Friday. I’d like to hear how you’re doing, once you actually get into the work.” And then he’s gone before Ethan can say a word.

In the doorway of his office, Jon clears his throat.

“I’ve been— reliably informed that I owe you an apology,” he says, and Ethan really would rather he didn’t. Apologies are almost always terrible, no matter which side you’re on. They’re awkward and often pointless. It’s not like he’s hurt or anything. Jon feeling bad isn’t going to do anything but make Ethan uncomfortable. “I sho—”

“Okay,” Ethan says. “Can we just skip to you training me?”

“… Yes. Yes, we can,” Jon says, possibly as relieved as Ethan to move on. He looks less tense, at least. “We usually wait until the end of probation to explain the fears, but that won’t exactly work here, so we’ll get to that in a moment. You’ve already started recording, so I suppose the first thing to know is that true statements won’t record digitally. The audio always ends up corrupted. I don’t think I’ll have you start recording any real statements quite yet, but once you do, you’ll have to use the— the tape…” He trails off, staring down at the small stack of statements Ethan recorded yesterday.

When Jon shows no sign of continuing, Ethan tentatively prompts, “The— tape recorders?”

“You’ve already started recording,” Jon says again.

“Yes?”

He pulls out the statement at the bottom of the stack and holds it out to Ethan, shaking it slightly. “You recorded this statement.”

“Yes? It was the last one I did before I went home last night.”

“Play it for me.” So Ethan does. Three minutes in, staring at the paper in his hand, Jon tells him to stop. “That’s not… Set up a new recording. I’m going to start reading this, and after two minutes, I want you to take this from me and stop the recording.” So Ethan does that too.

It had felt a bit… odd, when Ethan read the statement yesterday. Like the air got thicker, almost. But he’d also been very tired, and while a lot of things are weird at the Institute, that doesn’t mean everything is. It’s different when Jon starts reading. Not so much the air getting thicker as pressing down on them, and Ethan feels very uncomfortably like someone is making direct eye contact with him. It’s creepy. He almost misses the two minute mark.

The second he pulls the paper from Jon’s hands, the feeling lifts. Somehow, he isn’t surprised that playback of Jon’s reading comes out with a terrible screech and a whole lot of broken, garbled nonsense.

Jon looks between Ethan, the paper, and the display again and again.

“Jon?” Ethan asks.

“That’s not fair,” Jon replies. Then, with a sigh, “I guess I have more work for you than I thought.”

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[sheliesshattered]

Welp.

I made that #process thoughts post earlier, and just as soon as I’d finished it, Kitty had a four-alarm-fire sort of emergency that took Jack and I working together quite a long time to sort out. Personal stuff on impending loss of a pet below the cut. Thoughts and prayers and the like are appreciated, but it is what it is.

The emergency was a whole horrid thing, the sort of digestive failure that can happen with end-stage illness, but I won’t burden anyone else with the details. Working together we were able to take care of it and get Kitty comfortable again, though it probably took about an hour and a half. She’s resting now, a bit miserable but doing okay, all things considered. We knew the end was rapidly approaching, but that just made it really clear that we’re down to hours, not days anymore.

In the middle of all that, realizing how sick and uncomfortable our poor old cat is, I asked Jack to let me handle her and instead go make the phone call to set up the appointment for her final arrangements. Our vet recommended a really wonderful company that offers a service to allow pets pass at home, and between how sick she is and the restrictions for covid meaning we can’t even go into the vet’s office with her, it is by far the best answer to our situation. 

That’s scheduled for 1pm tomorrow, and I am... doing okay with it, I suppose. I was up with her in the middle of the night last night -- as I have been every single night for more than a year now, these last few weeks have just required a bit more hands-on attention from me to get her through her routine of eating and using her box every ~4 hours -- and I spent the 30 minutes or so that I was awake with her engaged in my own strange style of prayer.

I went back to actively embracing my pagan and witchy leanings about three years ago, and since then have established a very close relationship with two goddesses in particular. I don’t talk about it much here, or with anyone. Jack knows a bit about it, my sister is a little aware of it, but otherwise it’s just a very personal thing. When my grandfather died a year and a half ago, I took my grief to these two goddesses in particular, and received quite a lot of comfort from them at the time. In the last week or so I’ve been thinking a lot about the answers to prayer I got from them back then, and thinking how similar it is with Kitty now.

But last night I got that and then some, and some advice I really needed to hear, I think. Advice about not trying to control life and death with a clenched fist, and knowing when to let go. So by the time I woke up this morning, I was feeling ready to face facts that Kitty wasn’t going to make it to the end of the week -- we’d already figured she wouldn’t make it to the end of the month, but have been reluctant to pick a day. Jack and I had a long conversation about it, and I told him about the answers I got last night, and we made plans to call the at-home service later in the day, and take Kitty for a carried adventure outside to see the birds and the trees one last time, and just roll with whatever timing the service was able to offer us.

And then she got emergency-sick, and the rest of the day ended up being about that. She hasn’t been well enough to be moved, other than changing out her bedding frequently (so much laundry has been done already, and more will be done in the next 18 hours), so carrying her around outside is off the table for right now. If she seems to be feeling up to it tomorrow might we might try for it, but we might also just spend some time with her on the porch, instead.

At one point late this afternoon -- after a second round of clean-up and a third round of laundry -- Jack told me I didn’t need to feel guilty if the thought of all this just being over was more of a relief than anything. And I was able to confidently say that I don’t feel guilty, and that a lot of that is probably down to having that moment of prayer to work through all this before the emergency-sick hit. This has been an exhausting day, but I’m glad to do it for Kitty because of how much I love her. The decision to put an end to things tomorrow isn’t because I’m tired of dealing with her, it isn’t about my comfort at all. It’s all about Kitty’s comfort, and not drawing this out for her any longer than we have to.

I know I am going to be sad when it comes down to the last hours and minutes tomorrow. I have already cried a lot, and I know I’ll cry some more. I’ll be sad this time tomorrow evening, and the day after that, and the week after that. We have no intention of getting another pet again anytime soon, probably not at all as long as we still live in this little place (if/when we have the big life change of moving to a bigger place with a bunch of land, we’ll re-discuss then). It is what it is, and what it is is the death of the wonderful little creature who has put up with me calling myself her mother for the last eleven and a half years, who I have seen almost every day of those years. I’m going to be sad, there’s no getting around that.

But I also know now that I’m not going to question if I rushed into this decision because of selfish reasons, if I cut her life short when she might have had a few months yet if I’d just been willing to do more to help her. I have done everything I can physically do, I have done everything within my witchy powers to do. My goal was to get her past Jack’s birthday, which was last week, and give her as much care and comfort as I can, and a gentle passing. I have succeeded on every front. That’s the best I could possibly hope for, and while I will absolutely miss her, I’m not going to be carrying any guilt or second thoughts going forward.

I think I’ll probably end up sleeping a lot after tomorrow afternoon, just to recover from the physical toll this has taken on me. I am going to try my very best not to let that tip over into a listless depression, and I think having Christmas plans with Jack to look forward to, and finishing the story I’m working on, and various on-going craft projects will all help. I’m going to try to keep my queue functioning here, but I may scale back the number of posts for awhile, to give myself a breather, and I may be slow to respond to any messages.

Thank you to everyone who has expressed sympathy about Kitty’s situation. The friendships I’ve established here on Tumblr and over on Discord have been such a lifeline in this weird year, and I know it’ll be a comfort as I come out of this, too. ❤️

[pbandjesse]

Oh man I am tired. I am very excited for sleep. Today was really nice but also really long. Lots of driving. But I am in a good mood and I am feeling positive. 

I slept really deeply last night. I never even made it under the covers. Just fell asleep under a robe? I woke up at 9 when my alarm went off and was very groggy. But I was okay. I shook it off. It took me a bit to get myself all awake but that was okay. 

I didn't love my outfit or my hair. But I sucked it up. Since it was all I had with me. I got washed up and dressed and had to rebraid my hair a few times because it just wouldn't sit correctly, but whatever. I needed to wear my hair at least similar to how I think I will wear it with the dress. And Im thinking lots of braids and a low bun situation. 

We left here around 945 to get Jess. And since she only lives like 4 minutes away we were to early to the appointment. But I got to see some of the tornado destruction. Like people had reached out to me and I was like. Yeah of course everyone is fine? I didn't realize how real this was. Things were like. Exploded?? It was wild. The car dealership my Aunt Renee used to work at basically was gone? It was wild. I was like. Shocked. 

But we left that area and headed to the appointment. 

I had a good time. But was a little overwhelmed. There were just a lot of options. To many options. I liked the stylist, but also I think she got stuck on me liking sleeves. And so we didn't pull a lot? I ended up trying 5 dresses. And it was fun to try them on but their sample was for sure a little smaller so nothing fit me great. And the fabrics didnt feel right. Plus while the dressing room was the largest and nicest, the lighting came from above and was a little harsh and I could see every little flaw in my person. It was made feel not great. I made a lot of little jokes. And was talking a lot because I was feeling uncomfortable. 

But I had a lot of fun still. I think it didn't feel as serious because I didn't love the dresses. So it was like playful and jokey and it was neat. 

There was one dress that I really liked parts of. It had this beautiful gathering around the back that I loved but it also had a weird belt area. Me and Jess were like if you can move this all up it would have a regency vibe and would be so perfect. But honestly its more expensive then the one I liked right out of the box yesterday. Plus we would need so much tailoring. Basically if we could combine the top of the dress yesterday and the bottom of the dress today it would look so nice. 

We got all the info though and even talked to their seamstress about making changes in case we do end up going with it. But no decisions are being made yet.

We walked across the lot to go to lunch at the Buck Hotel. And it was a neat place. Ive never been there before and I really enjoyed myself. Plus Jess and mom were just good company. They want to help so much and I want their help but I also do not know how to give that direction. But we will figure it out. 

We headed to Jess's place after that. Mom got to hold a chicken for the first time. It was very cute. We pet Jess's cat and talked to her mom for a while. It was nice. But I knew I would want to go back to Baltimore soon so I got us out of the door and back to mom's house. 

When we got back there I packed my bag and got my stuff ready. Then I spent some time cutting my mom's hair. I think I did a pretty good job. It was the first time Ive ever done that for her so it was pretty neat. I am glad I could be helpful. And it was just a nice little moment. 

I headed back to Baltimore around 230 and it took forever to get home. I didn't get back here until 530!! It was a pretty sucky drive. Just traffic and it was to bright and I listened to so many things but I just wanted to be home. 

I was really happy to get back here. Hug James. Hold sweetP. James made me pasta. It was great and we talked about our weekends and had lots of laughs. We both had things to do on our laptops. And just enjoyed sitting together on the couch. 

Eventually I went to my studio to work on a few little things. And then unpacked my stuff. Made sure my bag was ready for camp. And took a bath. 

Now we are in bed enjoying the ac. Watching the rain. It has been a really nice day. And I am ready to get some sleep. Camp is going to be a lot this week. But I hope it is still fun. 

Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have any tan lines? Nope. Have you ever wished you could stop time? Yes. I’ve also wished I could speed it up. Is there any pictures on the wall you're in? Yeah, there’s several. Who was the last person who called you? My mom. Did you make any money today? No.

Have you ever fallen and twisted your ankle? No. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from? I haven’t jumped from anywhere. Have you ever gone swimming in a river? No. Ever been so unfortunate to slip on wet rocks? Nope. When was the last time you got completely soaked by rain? It’s been a long time. One of the times that comes to mind is when my mom, aunt, a former friend, and I were at an outdoor festival and we got caught in an unexpected rain storm. It just started pouring down hard and we were not prepared at all. We had to run back to our car, which was parked a good distance away and yeah we were absolutely soaked. 

Is there something you really want to buy at the moment? I’d love to be able to book a beach vacation getaway. Would you ever consider culinary school? No. I’m not a cook and have no interest in trying to become one. Do you ever watch the clouds, to see if they look like objects/animals etc? I did when I was a kid sometimes. When was the last time you didn't want to get out of bed? That’s me everyday. It’s a real struggle. Are you excited for anything coming up in the near future? No. My foreseeable future consists of more doctors and appointments and struggles and spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of dancing, do you know any real dance moves? I know them, but I can’t do them. Do you save cards from your birthday/x-mas, etc? Yes. What was the last souvenir someone got you? A shirt. Do you have a favorite remix of a song? One of my favorite covers is Adele’s cover of George Michael’s “Fast Love” that she preformed at an award show in honor of him after he died. I can only describe it as hauntingly beautiful. I really wish she would have released a studio version of it. When was the last time you printed something off? I don’t recall; it’s been awhile. Are you one of those people who can learn music/songs by ear? No, I wish. There was a guy in my piano class I took my senior year in high school that could do that. It was really cool. Has the power gone out recently? No, but I have a feeling it will happen soon. It always does when we have a lot of triple digit degree weather, which is what this week has consisted of. Do you like driving at night? I don’t drive, but I like nighttime drives. Like, whenever I travel I love leaving really early when it’s still dark out. It’s a different experience. Does seeing roadkill make you sad, or just grossed out? Both. Does wearing heels make you feel sexier? I don’t wear heels. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? The piano can sound that way. What day do you go back to school (if you're in school)? I’m forever done with school. When was the last time you've gone shopping with a friend? It’s been a few years. Do you ever go out to dinner with your Mom? We haven’t physically gone out to eat for dinner in quite a long time.  What is your favorite kind of salad dressing? Ranch. Have you ever bought fireworks? Not me personlly, but my dad and brother do every 4th of July. Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies? Sometimes, but I ultimately decide if I want to see it or not. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Sure. Who was the last person/website to send you an email? I don’t feel like checking. Has your phone ever rang and scared you? Yeah. I’m such a jumpy person anyway. If you have a cat, does it ever "converse" with you? I don’t have a cat. If given the chance, would you ever fly in a fighter plane like the F-16? No. Are you afraid of standing on the edge of hills/skyscrapers/cliffs etc? Uh, YES. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)? No. Do you support the funds designed to protect endangered animals? (Like WWF). I haven’t done much myself to support them, but I’m glad they exist. What type of a drunk are you? (Obnoxious, calm, emotional, violent, etc) I was a chatty drunk. I feel like I was annoying, ha. I was also the sad drunk. Do you have an absolute favorite name (boy or girl)? I love the name Alexander. Are you good at pronouncing foreign words? Uhh, depends. If you're not already, when do you plan on getting married? I don’t want to get married. Can you tolerate the smell of cigarette smoke? Nooo. It honestly makes me sick, like I get lightheaded and dizzy, I get nauseous, and I get a really bad headache. When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat? I sometimes tap my fingers and hands. Have you ever literally cried on a friend's shoulder? No. Was there something that "made your day" today? It literally just turned midnight, so today is just now starting. Do you have a favorite kind of chocolate bar? White chocolate. Are you happy that it's summer? Ugh, no. It’s hot and miserable. Is there anything that you should be doing right now? I’m about to make my nightly bowl of ramen.  Has anyone had expectations that you just couldn't live up to? (finishing this a couple hours later...) That’s how I’ve been feeling. Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how long have you been dating? Nope. Would you ever consider being a DJ at a party if you were paid? Nah. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Wow, this question makes it seem like they’re so futuristic and rare lol. Yes, I use electric toothbrushes. Are you or anyone you know devoted to "being green"? Not overly so, no. When it comes election time, do you vote (if you're old enough)? Yes. What was the last movie you watched that was on TV? I watched Fear 1994 on Netflix recently if that counts. How long have you had an account on bzoink? I don’t have an account on bzoink. Do strapless bras work for you? I don’t like them. I only wear them if I have to, like with a dress. Do you have a favorite hair elastic that you use almost always? No. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/ were planning on it/etc? No. When you were younger, did you have a yoyo? I did. I couldn’t do any tricks, though. What was the last video game you played, if any? Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Has anyone ever called you nerdy? Yeah. Have you ever had to call 911? Yes. Has there ever been a tornado near where you live? No, fortunately. Are you a rollercoaster addict? Noo. I’m a big scardy cat. Do you feel comfortable enough to wear short shorts? No. I’m very self-conscious about my legs. About my body in general, really. If you have iTunes, do you find the Genius recommendations helpful? I don’t even recall what that is; I haven’t used iTunes in almost 10 years. Are you quick at looking up numbers in phonebooks/ words in dictionaries? Phonebooks, wow.  I haven’t used a phonebook or actual dictionary in yearsssss thanks to the Internet/Google.  Have a favorite actor/actress from Old Hollywood? (Marilyn Munroe, etc) Lucille Ball. Out of Biology, Chemistry and Physics, which are you the best at? None of those. Is there a friend you can always talk to about anything? I don’t have any friends. Can you stand spicy foods? Not anymore. :( It’s gotta have like barely anything like McDonald’s or Taco Bell mild hot sauce type of stuff. It’s wild because I used to be obSESSED with spicy food. I put hot sauce on everything and had a high spicy tolerance. Then a few years ago I developed a sensitivity and I can’t even have red pepper flakes now. It sucks. What's your opinion on people who stretch their ears? Hey, do what you want. I’ll admit the really stretched out lobes freak me out, though. Do you think tattoos are expressive art or unattractive? To me they can be either one, it just depends. What is your school mascot? -- Do you find black and white photos to be pretty? Yeah. Food you make doesn't taste as good as food made by others, true? Sometimes. Especially foods like sandwiches for some reason. I think they’re way better when my mom or a deli makes them.  Is there a certain color that doesn't look good on you? I don’t think I look good in anything, so. Have you ever heard anything interesting about Nova Scotia, Canada? Not that I can recall. Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? No, thankfully. Do you know when you will get to see your significant other next? I’m single. What's the book you're currently reading? ”Such a Good Girl” by Willow Rose. Is your room currently a disaster? No. If going to a concert, do you prefer it to be outside or in a stadium? Definitely in a stadium.

Do you have a case for your camera? I use the camera on my phone, which I do have a case for. Can your cellphone take a beating? I’ve dropped it a few times and so far so good. Is there a month you prefer over others? October and December. Do you ever buy lottery tickets? Just a couple of times. Can you recall the most disturbing movie you've ever seen? A Clockwork Orange is one. Are you more of a tape or a glue person? Tape. Of course, it does depend on what I’m doing. In some cases, glue is the better option.  Has anyone you know gotten mono? Not that I know of. What is/or was your graduating year? I graduated UC in 2015. Have you had a weird dream lately? All my dreams are weird. Have you ever gotten an autograph from someone famous? Yes. Do you own a pair of slippers? No. Do you ever watch VHS movies anymore? No. I don’t even recall the last time. Has your computer ever decided to completely erase itself? No, but I’ve lost stuff because of viruses back in the day. :(

Only when the power goes out do we realize how much we rely on it, true? It definitely becomes quite apparent quite quickly. Have you ever picked an apple off the tree and eaten it? No. Can you say yes / no in different languages? ”Si” and “No”, ha. Are you good at styling your own hair? No. Especially not anymore since I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything with my hair, which is why it was always up in a bun. I finally just cut it really short and have been wearing a cute wig if I go somewhere cause that’s all I can to do right now. I am sad, though. It was so long.   Out of the traditional superheroes, which one is your favorite? The Scarlett Witch and Iron Man. What color is the shirt you're wearing right now? Black. Have you ever been lost? Physically and figuratively, yes.

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[p0tatonoah]

Couples Therapy

I got a lot of comments more like 3 or 4 on my breakup fic asking for a part 2 where Neil and Andrew patch things up and live happily ever after… This is not it. But you can read it as an alternative ending if you want. Or you can read it as a one shot, it’s up to you. 💁🏽‍♂️

I just thought: people are not always happy, and they don’t always talk, and relationships are not always perfect, so what if Andreil went to couples therapy? 😌

✨You can also read it on A03

✨Wanna read the rest of my stuff?

—-

Session 1

Sarah Barker was in her office and she could hear her 5 o’lock clients arguing outside her door.

“I don’t care what Betsy said, I will not talk to some stranger about our lives, Andrew.”

“You said you’d try. So get your ass in that office and try.”

“I can’t believe it. How can you be ok with this?”

“I… Just shut up and get inside.”

“Hi, I’m Sarah Barker” said the counselor and then, seeing Neil’s scowl, added “You must be Neil.”

“Whatever.” He said, taking a seat on the couch. Andrew wasn’t amused by this behavior, but it wasn’t unexpected.

“Hi, I’m Andrew”

“Hi Andrew, nice to meet you in person. Betsy has talked so much about you,” Andrew’s eyes narrowed instantly “Only good things, don’t worry. Anyway, what brought you here today?”

Andrew looked at his husband’s expression of fake boredom and began talking.

 He told the counselor how they’d been fighting lately over the most stupid things like when Andrew forgot to take the clothes out of the washing machine or when he bought the wrong brand of cat food.

“And why do you think these things are ‘stupid’“ she said, adding air quotes with her fingers.

“Because who even cares about that? They’re such small things. He certainly never bothered about that before.”

 And then they proceeded to perform a live show of a fight about said stupid things. Neil accused Andrew of being careless with his stuff, claiming he was tired of always having to pick up after him. This escalated quite quickly and soon Sarah was having to decide whether or not to believe in the stabbing threats she was hearing.

 When the session was over, she took a deep breath and made a mental note to unfriend Betsy Dobson.

 Session 2

 Sarah greeted her clients and asked how they were doing. All she got in return was a grunt from Andrew and  50 minutes of complete silence.

 Session 3

 “This is useless. We are perfectly capable of dealing with our own shit.”

“If that’s true, then why did you sleep on the couch last night?”

“I told you I dozed off, it wasn’t intentional Andrew.”

  Maybe this session will be more productive , Sarah thought. Only to be proven otherwise when her clients left early without speaking to each other.

 Session 4

 “Hi gentleman, how are we feeling today?”

“Like shit” was Andrew’s response. Neil just shrugged and took his usual seat on the couch.

“How was your week? Did you managed to talk about-“

“It was fine. Everything’s just fine .”

“Neil…”

“No Andrew, I told you this was bullshit. If anything it’s just making things worse.”

“How so?” Sarah asked.

There was a moment of silence before Neil sighed tiredly and began telling the past week’s events. He and Andrew had gone to a function last Friday. The whole team was there and it was supposed to be this huge fancy thing to raise money to the LGBTQIA+ youth shelter and Neil was really looking forward to it. Socializing had become easier over the years and he was excited he could help a cause so close to is heart. But Andrew had ruined everything when he pulled a knife on one of the guests . The man had asked Neil for a picture “Big Exy star like this, my kids are going to freak out” the older man had said. Everything was ok until the stranger decided to hug Neil without clearing it with him first. After that everything was just a blur of knives being drawn and the security escorting them out.

 “Andrew, what was going through your mind at that moment?” Sarah asked.

“I was just trying to protect you,” he said staring at the floor, unable to look at Neil. “When I saw that man touching you without consent I just…“

“I get it, but we’ve talked about this, Drew. Not everyone is… Fuck. Do you know how bad things are for coach right now? For us?”

“Oh your precious Exy. Shouldn’t mess that up, right?”

 “Ok, let’s take a deep breath and think for a second. I’m sure you’re not here just so you can hurt each other further.” Sarah said, trying to keep things from going south.

 “I’ll give you a task,” Neil’s scowl was so deep Sarah thought he’d hurt himself. “It’s pretty simple. I just want you to write down what’s bothering you about your relationship. Doesn’t matter how small  or insignificant you think it might be, just write. This should help organizing your thoughts and once the problem is ‘visible’, it’s easier to find strategies on how to deal with it.”

 As Sarah walked them to the door, she said “It goes without saying, but please don’t read each other’s lists.”

 Session 5

 Of course they read each other’s lists.

 “He doesn’t say ‘I hate you as often’” Andrew read the list out loud. “What does this even mean?”

Neil threw his arms in the air, exasperated. “It means stay out of my business Andrew” he finally said, snatching the list from his husband.

 Sarah had to admit she was curious about that one. “What does it mean Neil?”

 Neil groaned and threw himself onto the couch. “We used to talk more, about all kinds of things. And you used to be funny and I’d pester you because I knew that when you told me you hated me, it only meant that you hated how much you loved me.” Neil spoke the last part like it left a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

“That’s why,” Andrew said quietly. 

“Why what?”

“Why I don’t say it anymore,” He sat down to look his husband in the eyes. “I love you Neil, and I don’t hate any part of it.”

  Aha, Sarah thought, it was worth it. Am I not the best?  

 But damn her and her stupid thoughts, because two minutes later they were at it again.

 “Once after sex you said it was fine .”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“We all know what that means, Neil!”

  Oh Boy, this was going to be a bumpy ride.

 Session 6

 After the list fiasco, Sarah thought she’d have to take things slow if she wanted these men to talk about their issues without storming off.

 The session started off ok, Neil was the first to talk and said nothing had happened that week. Suspecting the look on his face, Sarah asked “And how does it feel, having an uneventful week?”

“It’s fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Andrew snorted at that, but didn’t say anything.

“Last week you said you guys used to talk more. What changed?” Sarah continued.

“I don’t know. At first we just fell into this comfortable silence. Being around each other was enough and then we became so busy with the team…”

“uhm. I see. Do you agree with that Andrew?”

The blond was in silence for a while, and when he spoke his voice was almost a whisper. “I thought I was losing you. To the team… Let me finish” he said when Neil made to speak. “All those people were so brand new, no ghosts, no dead mothers and you looked so happy just to be around them. I thought I was losing you, Neil.”

 Sarah sat in silence waiting for the other man’s response, but he just ran a hand through his hair and breathed loudly.

 “Neil…” Sarah goaded.

 “You are losing me Drew.” Andrew reacted with his whole body. It was almost like he had imploded, his heart in a million pieces. Sarah saw then how much he cared about his brooding husband.

 “You are losing me… not because I have new friends, but because you refuse to move on,” Neil’s voice sounded strangled. “I know what you’ve been through, hell I was there for some of it, but I thought we could grow out of it. Together. Only you refused to let that happen.”

 “I didn’t. It’s not just like that and you know it. You of all people-“

“Yes, me of all people. I know it’s hard. But I trust you Andrew. I trusted you with my life as soon as we met and I still trust you now. But I don’t feel like you trust me .”

“Don’t say stupid things.”

“Is it stupid though? Cause I don’t feel like you trust me enough to let me decide when I’m uncomfortable, or to tell me when you are not feeling safe. Instead you just lash out. That night… Yes that man didn’t ask if he could hug me and, yes, it was awkward, but I wasn’t scared .”

 There was a silence before Neil continued to speak. “I need you to trust me Drew. I need you to know I can protect myself and that I’ll tell you when I can’t. But more than anything, I need you to understand that I love you. Scarred and glued together, just like you are.”

 Sarah was not crying cause that would be unprofessional of her.

 Session 7

 “Well, last session was very emotional. I believe you have talked about it throughout the week…” Sarah said expectantly.

The men sitting in front of her exchanged a guilty look.

“All right… Let’s talk about it now, then.” She rubbed her hands together preparing herself. “Andrew, what do you think about what Neil said, you not trusting him enough and all that?“ 

The surly blond man didn’t answer.

“Neil, have you ever expressed those feelings to Andrew before?” She tried again, but only got a shrug in response. 

  Baby steps, she thought. We’ll get there. Even if I have to kick them all the way there.

 Session 8

 Sarah waited for her 5 o’clock appointment but they didn’t show.

 Session 9

 She was starting to get worried.

 Session 10

“Hello Neil, Andrew. Nice to see you again.”

 “Hey” they answered in unison. Huh 

“So, how have you been?” Sarah said seating on a chair across from them. She couldn’t help but notice how close they sat to each other, their knees touching.

“Fi- Good,” Neil said, and then added “We talked about all the… stuff.”

“Oh I’m glad to hear that.” Sarah was irrationally scared that this was a prank. That they had teamed up to make fun of her one last time. “How are you feeling now? Andrew?“

The man looked at his hands and then up at his partner’s eyes. “I’m good.” Was that a smile on his lips?

 They explained how they finally stopped avoiding the subject and just faced it head on. Neil had already said his piece during the session, but Andrew had a lot stuck on his throat. He trusted Neil with everything except with his own well-being. “Cause lets face it, you were never good at saying how you actually felt.”  He’d said. 

“I tell you that I love you”

“But not that I’m hurting you, and that’s the thing. You need to tell me Neil. How am I supposed to trust you like that?”

 That had gone on and on until they reached an agreement. Neil would always be honest about his feelings if Andrew let him deal with things by himself. 

 “That sounds like a good deal.” 

Andrew’s huff was barely audible. 

“What was that?” Sarah asked.

“As a part of our agreement, he’s not allowed to wear knives at social gatherings anymore.”

  I don’t think anyone should be allowed that . Sarah thought as she smiled pleasantly. 

 Session 11

 “I have to admit, I was surprised when you called, Neil. Thought you’d want to be done with it.” Sarah said at the end of that session.

“Yeah, so did I,” he said as he scratched the back of his neck. “I just wanted to thank you… Guess it is good to have someone to help us see things clearer or whatever.”

“Well, I’m honored.” Sarah was quite pleased with herself. Two happy clients leaving her office holding hands, sharing secret smiles and soft kisses when they thought she wasn’t looking.

 Maybe she should have given Betsy more credit…

—

Lots of words, I know…

But if you made it here, please let me know what you think.🥰 

[ramzawrites]

ayye, im glad you like the bottle idea! id be happy to let you use the idea for a fic, go right ahead! :D

i cant tell you some stuff about c!krabs' childhood life because thatll be for a fic im planning on making, but i can tell you a couple of details!! c!krabs is obviously mexican american, similar to myself she has two mexican parents but was born in a majorly american place. she was usually sheltered from going outside of her property and engaging with too many village folk because her parents didnt want her to get smarter than them, in short they were selfish a$$hats. they always used to claim that they wanted to protect c!krabs and keep her safe, but she was pretty similar to how she was when shes older and didnt completely buy it. thats all im gonna expose about the parents cause its gonna be used for lore but i can share more information on her general life in the past! she lived in a two story house that had a small backyard that she could go in every now and again. she had a bit of freedom, sometimes she would be able to go out to the shops with one of her parents in very close proximity. they would give her a small amount of money each time and let her buy anything she wanted with that spending money, which she used on paper and pens/pencils. each time she recieved money she saved a little bit and kept the collected money inside of a box under her bed where she kept other things that she held dear. sometimes she also used to sneak out of the house at night by sliding down the roof from her window and landing on the pile of hay in the backyard and jumped the fence. she went out on the town and was fascinated by the blacksmith, the glowing metal, the way he forged such a beautiful and powerful weapon out of a stick and some ore fascinated her. she also thought the villages welder was really sick as well, the way they repaired so many different things, the sparks that flew every time they welded the metal filler rod in the imperfections was so cool to c!krabs. she was only ever able to see them every so often though, because the townspeople werent very friendly. most of the people were white americans. they werent as bad to c!krabs' parents because they helped out a lot in the village, but since c!krabs was just a child that wandered around at night, she was often ridiculed, made fun of, and discriminated because shes hispanic which was very obvious due to her tan skin, having a hard time speaking english because of being sheltered, and her accent. so she wore a cloak whenever she went out. she never really had any childhood friends other than c!tubbo and c!fundy then.

but yeah man, c!krabs is a money maker, what can i say? shes making bank!! and yeah, she can replace her iron parts! thats one of the reasons she learned how to weld and blacksmith after all! and of course this means that every now and then c!krabs would weld onto herself some super sick attatchments! sometimes when she participates in wars she welds spikes onto her iron knuckles so that her punches really hurt. (i just thought of this but what if one day c!krabs and c!george were doing a trade and just hanging out when c!george makes a really good trade to c!krabs but in return she has to weld herself a cat ear on the left side of her head and make her iron hand have a sort of padded-like look to it like a cat. she begrudgingly did it and when she showed c!george, he took a picture of her and sent it to the general messages of the server through his comm and said "GUYS KRABS ISNT PART GOLEM SHES ACTUALLY PART CAT!!!" and everyone was either confused, playfully disgusted, or laughing their a$$es off and c!krabs was just like "GEORGE WHAT THE F-CK GUYS DONT LISTEN TO HIM HES COLORBLIND")

honestly if c!quackity hadnt jumped to conclusions im sure that he and c!krabs would be super sick homies for sure. but she DOES give therapy to anyone who asks for it, no matter who it is. she would just take her weapons and splash potions of poison with her in case it was ever someone who she didnt trust like c!schlatt, which he did have quite a few appointments with her during his manburg days.

Aw man :( That’s sad about her childhood! Does she stll somehow miss her parents? Is there no contact at all? I do love though that she has been interesting in blacksmithing and iron work for a while now! If I remember correctly c!Krabs was turned into an Iron Golem Hybrid correct? I sadly can’t find the first post atm :( But if I remember correctly it is in a really sad way ironic how she loved iron works before

Yo that’s such a smart idea! Adding spikes to her knuckles etc! I’m guessing it doesn’t really hurt so it’s fine? I mean the adding parts to her body, if that hurts. But I do love her shenanigans with c!George haha, I’m sure she had problems living that down after that haha

Bit sad about c!Quackity’s and c!Krabs relationship :( Really wish the two could be friends but c!Quackity screwed that up himself sooooo, oh well

Oh that is an intersting tidbit though that c!Schlatt was in for therapy with her 👀how did she feel about that? Conflicted or like she genuinley wanted to help him, maybe even hoping that helping him would help in return the others suffering under his rule?

[sesamestreep]

stack the deck with wild cards (chapter 1)

(read on AO3)

SUMMARY: The situation with Cassian is complicated even before Jyn finds out she's pregnant, but deciding to get an abortion should really be the last straw for him, right? If there was any chance he'd still want to date her, she thought it had to be long gone by now. And yet he always finds a way to surprise her. [AKA - The Obvious Child AU you didn't know you wanted]

A/N: I’m going to be posting chapters of this fic daily, since it’s already completed. I never write chapter fic, so I have no idea what I’m doing and please bear with me. Also, this fic (and the movie it gets its plot from) is about abortion, so if that’s not something you’re into reading about, you should really strongly consider not reading this. I promise you won’t hurt my feelings. For those interested, there’s additional notes if you follow the AO3 link above. If you want to blacklist any future updates of this fic on tumblr, I’ll tag it with [#stack the deck verse] for your convenience. Chapter 2 should be posted tomorrow. Stay golden.

The reality of the current situation doesn’t hit Jyn at the doctor’s office when she gets the news or even when she’s booking her follow-up appointment. It doesn’t sink in when they tell her how much it will cost or give her the information she’ll need or the prescriptions to fill. It doesn’t hit her when she’s on the subway, heading home and texting Bodhi with numb fingers to see if he wants to have a movie night, or even when his cheery reply—replete with emojis—comes through saying he can come over tonight.

No, the moment everything becomes real is when she’s standing in the wine aisle at Trader Joe’s, going back and forth on whether spending eight dollars on a bottle of wine so that she can drink all of it in one sitting is irresponsible when she’s pregnant but she’s also not keeping the baby. It’s only then that she starts crying.

She’ll blame it on the hormones if anyone asks, she decides, which might even be accurate. She’s not really a crier under normal circumstances, but even if she wasn’t pregnant, she’s pretty sure draining her savings account for a medical procedure that she wouldn’t need if she had just been a little more responsible with her body would make her cry no matter how tough she thinks she is. Lucky for her, though, she lives in New York City and no one bats an eye at a crying woman in the grocery store. An older woman with a toddler in the seat of her grocery cart passes by and nods in understanding without saying a word, which is oddly comforting.

It’s the reminder that she needs to be careful about her money that talks Jyn out of buying wine for this evening (Bodhi probably wouldn’t have any and she doesn’t need to drink an entire bottle by herself under any circumstances, let alone these, even if she really really wants to), but she goes on to throw whatever snacks she wants into the cart indiscriminately because it has been a spectacularly shitty day. She spends more than she should (what else is new?) and sweats profusely trying to drag all of it back to her sixth floor apartment. She slams cabinet doors in frustration as she puts everything away and then takes the longest, hottest shower her shitty pipes in her shitty apartment will allow. When she emerges, her skin is bright pink and she pokes her stomach viciously, somehow annoyed and confused and relieved all at the same time that it gives away nothing of her current condition.

She spends too long sitting in a towel on her bed, dicking around on her phone instead of getting ready and ultimately decides Bodhi doesn’t care what her hair looks like and so she runs a comb through it and calls it done. She puts on her softest, stretchiest leggings and an ugly sweater she raided from her dad’s closet when she was a teenager that she loves because it has been washed and worn so many times that the sleeves now have holes in them that she can stick her thumbs through. It’s easily the least glamorous look she could have come up with, but she’s pregnant and she’s mad about it, so she’s going for comfort over style.

By the time the buzzer goes off, signaling Bodhi’s arrival, Jyn has managed to light a few candles and put some of the snacks she bought into bowls, so at least it looks like she put effort into some part of the evening. She presses the button to let him up and fidgets as she waits to open the door. She has to tell Bodhi as a trial run for telling…well, everyone else, basically…but a part of her wants to tell no one, deal with it by herself and pretend nothing is wrong. Of course, that would be stupid—the doctor even told her not to try and handle this by herself—but it seems more appealing than the alternative at this particular moment. It’s not possible, though. She needs someone to come with her to the appointment, at the very least, and Bodhi will do it without hesitation, that much she’s sure of.

When she hears footsteps in the hallway, she undoes the locks and opens the door. She takes a deep breath that is immediately squeezed out of her when Bodhi wraps her in a big hug.

“It’s so good to see you,” he says, rocking her a little side to side as he embraces her. “I’m so glad you suggested this! I feel like I’ve barely seen you lately.”

“I know,” Jyn says, clinging a little. Her eyes feel misty again already and that is definitely the hormones’ fault.

Bodhi pulls back to smile at her and his eyes catch on the candles and food. He gives her a suspicious look. “Okay, if this is an intervention for spending too much time with my new boyfriend, I know I deserve it but also I would have expected a much better turn out. You couldn’t even get Cassian here?”

Jyn winces at the mention of Cassian’s name but she thinks she covers it quickly with a forced smile. “It’s not an intervention,” she says as she steps around him to close the door.

“So why all the fanfare for a regular movie night?”

“What fanfare? There’s no fanfare!”

“Jyn, you put cheese puffs in a bowl ,” Bodhi says, as if she’s being obtuse. “You’re gonna have to wash that later. You did not have to do that for me.”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to make a joke— I’m nesting —but she refrains. “It’s no big deal,” she says, instead, and gestures to the couch for him to take a seat.

“If you say so,” he replies, still eyeing her warily and not taking the hint.

“Why don’t we sit down?” She finally asks, sounding strange and false even to her own ears. She leads the way over to the couch and Bodhi follows her, eventually lowering himself into the armchair with the same demeanor of someone approaching a wild animal.

“Jyn, seriously,” he says, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees once she’s curled up like a cat across from him, “is everything alright? You’re acting...odd.”

“Everything is fine,” she says, lightly, and hopes that saying so makes it true. “I just, uh, need to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

Jyn twists her hands together nervously, not sure how to get started now that the moment is finally here. “I need you to promise you’re not going to freak out,” she says, stalling for time.

“Ah, yes, that thing everyone says when everything is, in fact, totally fine.”

“Bodhi…”

“You’re leaving New York, aren’t you?” He asks, worried. “To be closer to Saw?”

“What? No, I—”

“Oh my god, it’s not Saw, is it?! He didn’t die, did he?”

“No, Saw is fine,” Jyn says, resisting the urge to rub her temple in frustration. “I mean, he’s not fine , obviously, he’s still sick, but he’s not—”

“Tell me you’re not quitting the band,” Bodhi interrupts. “Listen, I know things have been crazy lately, but I think—”

“Bodhi, I’m pregnant,” Jyn shouts, and the silence that follows is overwhelming.

“You’re…?”

“Pregnant. With child. Expecting,” she says, bitterly. “Yes.”

He looks like he’s been hit over the head with a mallet, which is bizarrely satisfying. She handled the news better and it was actually happening to her.

“How long have you known?” He asks, after a long time and with apparent effort. It’s not the first question she expected, but it’s not totally surprising.

“Like, five hours.”

“Five—?” Bodhi shakes his head in what she thinks is disbelief. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Jyn just blinks in response. What is he talking about? “Sorry?”

“You and Reece broke up like six months ago, how did you not realize you were pregnant sooner?” He asks.

“I…Bodhi, I’m not six months pregnant,” Jyn sputters. She smacks her stomach to drive home the point, which in retrospect is a stupid move, but she’s not thinking straight. “I mean, do I look it?”

“No! No,” he says immediately. “That’s why I was so confused, but you…you haven’t been with anyone since the breakup. You would have told me.”

When Jyn says nothing in response, just bites her lip, Bodhi narrows his eyes at her. “You would have told me, right?” He asks.

Jyn takes a deep breath, looking down at her hands. “I’m eight weeks pregnant,” she says, feeling close to tears again. “I found out today, I have an appointment in a few weeks to—to terminate it. I just need someone to go with me, the nurse said I had to, otherwise I wouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“Jyn,” he says, placing his hand over hers. “Of course, I’ll go with you. I just—I’m not upset with you, you know that, right?”

She nods, even though she doesn’t feel altogether certain of it. She loves Bodhi and trusts him, more than she trusts almost anyone else, but she’s not convinced she deserves to have him be nice to her after she’s fucked things up this badly. He ought to be upset with her.

“I know,” she says, anyway. A single tear escapes, which is just perfect. “I’m upset with myself.”

“Are you okay?” Bodhi asks, delicately. “Did this person hurt you or force you in some way?”

“No, no. God, no,” Jyn says, pulling her hands free with more aggression than the act required. She wipes the tears away in annoyance. “Nothing like that.”

“Thank God,” he says, looking heavenward and everything. “Then why all the secrecy? I texted you the minute I finished hooking up with Taidu for the first time.”

Jyn laughs even as she continues crying. “I did not ask you to do that.”

“No, but...not even a braggy ‘I just got laid!’ text? I thought we were best friends!”

“We are,” she replies hastily. “I was just embarrassed.”

“Why?” He asks, intrigued. “Is this person weird? Are they famous?”

She laughs again, feeling better in spite of the bomb she’s about to drop. “No, Bodhi…”

“They’re not married, are they? Because I promise not to judge you, but come on!”

“They’re not married.”

“Good, because for a second I was worried you slept with Baze and that would definitely break up the band,” he says, solemnly.

Jyn smacks his shoulder half-heartedly. “I would never sleep with Baze,” she says. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“Fine,” Bodhi says. “So, it was Chirrut, then?”

“Bodhi!”

“Well, you’re being so cryptic,” he shoots back. “If you just told me—”

“I slept with Cassian.”

Bodhi just blinks at her for a long, torturous moment. She’s never actually seen Bodhi yell at anyone before, so she doesn’t know if that’s what is about to happen but she braces herself for it anyway.

“What,” he finally says, flat like a statement and not a question.

“I had sex with Cassian and now I’m pregnant,” she says firmly, as if just admitting it out loud isn’t making her heart hammer in her chest.

“You’re pregnant with Cassian’s baby,” Bodhi says, disbelieving and Jyn winces. She’s been trying not to think of it as an actual baby, because she’s not keeping it. But if she did nothing for seven more months, she would have a baby and it would be Cassian’s, in a purely biological sense. She doesn’t admit to that line of thinking to Bodhi, though.

“Yes,” she says, instead. “Technically,” she adds, because she can’t stop herself.

“Technically? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just—Getting someone pregnant doesn’t make a man a father,” she says, with more heat than she intended. “Raising a child does. And there’s not going to be a child, so…that’s all I meant.”

“Sorry,” Bodhi says, placing his hands over hers again. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just so surprised.”

“You didn’t upset me,” Jyn replies, shifting uncomfortably. “It’s these stupid hormones, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. He moves to sit next to her on the couch, and she folds her legs up to give him room. “How did he take it when you told him?”

Jyn winces again before she can stop herself and she knows she doesn’t hide her reaction quickly enough from the way Bodhi stands abruptly. He always paces when he’s freaked out.

“Jyn, please tell me Cassian knows,” he pleads as he makes a circuit around her coffee table.

“I’ve only known for half a day! I haven’t had a chance to tell him!”

“Why would you tell me and not him?”

“You’re my best friend!”

“It’s his baby!”

“I wanted to make sure you could come to my appointment with me,” she says, and hopes the reminder is enough to make him feel sorry for her. He only stops pacing, but that’s still an improvement. “I was hoping you’d tell me what to do,” she adds, since it’s the actual truth.

“Well, obviously, go to your appointment,” Bodhi says, sinking back onto the couch.

“No, I mean—what I should do about Cassian?”

Bodhi looks over at her, confused. “What do you mean, what should you do about him? Tell him what’s going on.”

“I know, but how?”

“Same way you told me. Use your words.”

“Can I text him?”

“Absolutely not,” he says, scandalized. “You can’t tell him you’re pregnant via text. Who raised you?!”

“Saw.”

He acknowledges that with a nod. “Fair point.”

“I bet you’re going to say I can’t leave him a voicemail either,” Jyn says.

“You’re right, but mostly because no one under the age of eighty checks their voicemail anymore,” he says, patting her knee absently.

“Really?”

“Really,” Bodhi replies. “Just...sit down with him and tell him what’s going on. Same as you did with me.”

“It’s different with you.”

“It’s not that different.”

“It’s not your baby I’m aborting,” Jyn says quietly. “And you love me.”

Bodhi looks over at her then, some strange mix of emotions playing out on his face. She half expects him to object and say something ridiculous like Cassian does love her, and the very idea stresses her out. When he doesn’t say that, though, she finds herself oddly disappointed.

“Cassian’s a good guy. He’ll understand,” he says, instead, as if she doesn’t know that somehow. As if that isn’t a huge part of why this situation sucks so bad. As if she isn’t mortified that she has to involve him in something like this. As if she isn’t furious with herself because this is going to blow any chance she ever had with him in the first place. As if she hadn’t already done that by hooking up with him and then never calling him afterwards.

“I know,” Jyn says, looking down at her hands. She doesn’t actually know that—that he’ll understand. She thinks she knows Cassian fairly well, in a casual way. They’re mostly friends through Bodhi but they see a lot of each other. She suspects, from things he’s said before about politics, that he’s probably okay with abortion in a general sense, but it’s different when it’s your potential kid. She can’t actually be certain he’ll be cool with it, but she’s also not asking his permission. She just thinks he deserves to know. Or maybe she just wants an excuse to call him, for all this is the worst possible one the universe could have handed her.

“It’s just weird,” she adds, after a minute lost in thought, “for this to be the thing I call him about, after we hooked up. It feels shitty.”

“Wait, hold on,” Bodhi says, waving his hand dramatically at her. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I don’t know what you think I’m saying.”

“Have you not talked to him since you slept with him?”

“I haven’t,” Jyn says, bracing herself. Bodhi opens his mouth to interject, so she continues quickly, stopping him. “But, in my defense, it was right before the holidays and then he was out of town for like a month, so it seemed weird to reach out, and—”

“Jyn,” he says, and his tone is so full of reproach, it shuts her up immediately. “None of those are good reasons and I think you know that.”

“It’s not like he and I talk a lot anyway,” she objects, but it’s futile, if Bodhi’s unimpressed look is any indication. “We mostly see each other at the shows and the band didn’t have any in December, so I just haven’t had the chance. That’s all.”

“Okay, so none of it had to do with your overwhelming fear of intimacy and vulnerability?”

“No…?”

“Very convincing,” Bodhi says, and Jyn shoves him.

“Shut up,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well, if that’s not what happened,” he says reasonably, “you have to tell me what did.”

“What—you want details?!”

Bodhi shrugs. “You hooked up with my roommate and didn’t tell anyone about it for almost two months. There must be a reason.”

“Maybe it was bad,” she says, petulantly.

He just gives her an arch look in reply, which she deserves. “Was it bad?” He asks, bored.

Jyn bites her lip, hard. “No,” she admits. “It actually really wasn’t.”

“Well, then. Spill!”

She sighs dramatically—more dramatically than the situation deserves, honestly, and it’s already a pretty dramatic situation. “What do you want to know?

“When did this happen?”

“By my doctor’s estimate, eight weeks ago.”

“Jyn, for the love of—!”

“I was just trying to lighten the mood,” she says, for all she was actually just trying to stall. “It was that night we played at that terrible hipster bar in November.”

“Jyn, we exclusively play at terrible hipster bars. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“It’s the one with the arcade games in the back? It’s changed names like three times this year?”

“ Oh , that place. Yeah. What is that place’s name?”

“No clue,” Jyn says, with a shrug. “But it was at that bar.”

Bodhi’s eyes widen, though whether it’s with shock or delight or both, she’s not sure. “You hooked up with him at the bar ?”

“No, no. We went home together afterwards, once the rest of you had left.”

“I knew it,” he practically shouts. “I knew something was up that night!”

“You did not!”

“Yes, I did. You can ask Taidu, I definitely said something about it to him.”

Jyn waves him off, not because she’s convinced but because she’s not going to bother Taidu about something this stupid. “Whatever.”

“You still haven’t told me how it happened.”

“Do you need me to explain how sex works? Because I feel like you get the general idea.”

“No, smartass,” he says with an eye roll. “I mean, you and Cassian hang out at bars all the time together and you’ve never hooked up before. So, what happened this time?”

“Well,” Jyn says, taking a steadying breath, “you and Taidu left early for some reason and you said you were going to stay at his place. And Baze and Chirrut left right after that, because I think that’s when Baze had that terrible cold.”

“Jyn, no offense, but who cares?”

“You asked me what was different about that night! I’m explaining!”

“Okay, fine,” Bodhi allows. “It was different because we all callously abandoned you.”

“Yes, thank you! Anyway, it was just me and Cassian at the bar and I had just ordered another drink when Baze and Chirrut decided to leave and I was giving them a hard time about it and Cassian offered to stay with me for another round, so I wouldn’t have wasted my money or have to drink alone.”

“How gallant of him.”

“No editorializing,” she snaps, and Bodhi dutifully mimes locking his mouth and throwing away the key. “Anyway, we had a couple more drinks, we had sex, and now I’m pregnant. The end.”

“Fine,” he says, giving up. “If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I was just interested because you’re both my friends and I love you. Also, I know how hard the break-up was on you, so I was excited that you felt comfortable enough to move on. But you clearly don’t want to talk about it, so forget it!” He pivots away from her on the couch and leans forward to grab some popcorn. “What movie are we watching, anyway?”

Jyn groans in frustration. He’s always been way too good at guilt-tripping her into anything she doesn’t want to do. “You’re such a brat!”

“What? I’m changing the subject, like you clearly want to!”

“I’m embarrassed, Bodhi!”

“I don’t see why,” he says, looking at her blankly. “Cassian is good looking and he’s not a creep. You could do way worse. You have, in fact.”

She punches him in the shoulder in retaliation. “Hey!”

“What? I mean, you dated Reece for two years and he wasn’t exactly a catch. Cassian is an improvement, in my opinion.”

“I see we’re not sparing my feelings anymore where Reece is concerned.”

Bodhi covers her hand with his own. “Jyn, that guy cheated on you for a long time, and then he broke up with you so he could be with the other woman—right before you went onstage to perform, I should mention—and he had the audacity to blame you for the cheating because you ‘didn’t give him enough attention,’” he says, with the most judgemental use of air quotes she’s ever seen. “I care about your feelings, truly I do. But I do not care about Reece and I will not pretend you aren’t way better off without him.”

“I’m not his biggest fan either,” she says, defensively. “But what does it say about me that I dated him for all that time without realizing what a dick he was?”

“That he was an even bigger scrub than we thought, because he managed to hide his true colors for so long,” Bodhi says, easily. “You’re not responsible for his actions.”

Jyn wants to believe him, and most days she already, mostly does. But sometimes she catches herself replaying the break-up in her head and the part where Reece said that if she’d really cared, if she’d really been in their relationship for the long haul, she’d have paid more attention to him and he would never have even thought about cheating. She’d left him no choice, with all her weird part-time jobs and her crazy schedule and her gigs with her silly little band all over the city in the middle of the night. If she were more together, if she knew what she wanted from her own life, she could have been there for her partner, but she was too much of a mess. Too much of a work-in-progress to be the sort of girlfriend someone wanted to be serious with.

“I know,” she says, half-heartedly. If Bodhi’s told her this once, he’s told her a thousand times. Maybe she’ll really believe it someday, but not quite yet. “It just gets in your head, when someone treats you like that. You start to wonder if you have a neon sign over your head that says you’re not really relationship material.”

“You do not have a neon sign over your head that says anything of the kind,” Bodhi reassures her, surprisingly earnestly. “If your relationship with Reece needed work, he could have brought those issues to you to resolve them. Instead, he cheated on you. He took the easy way out and then blamed you when it made him look like an asshole. That’s on him.”

Jyn sighs, hating how often she and Bodhi have to have this conversation or some variation of it. She wishes she could just magically not be upset about it anymore, but it’s not like she didn’t have trust issues before this. The situation with Reece just made them worse. That was part of the appeal of hooking up with Cassian; she wanted to get back out there and feel desirable again, but she couldn’t do it with just anybody. Cassian was safe because she knew him and trusted him, but they weren’t super close, so it’s not like hooking up with him would ruin their friendship. He knew enough of what happened with her breakup to know that it was just a rebound, but not enough about her mental state to worry about her when she initiated things between them. She didn’t need someone to worry about her; she just needed someone to take her home.

The bar had been surprisingly busy that night, probably because some local favorite band was on after their set and they had a weirdly devoted following. Even though the rest of their group had abandoned them, the spots around Jyn and Cassian at the bar quickly filled in with noisy patrons, which left them no choice but to lean close to each other when they talked. Cassian’s arm had been curled around the back of the barstool that she was perched on, not possessively but in a way that didn’t encourage anyone to interrupt them. Jyn didn’t object; she didn’t want to talk to anyone else anyway.

Something about having Cassian’s full attention, her elbow brushing his ribs anytime she reached for her drink and feeling the warmth radiating off him in the already overly warm bar, felt nice in a way that went right to her head. She was shamelessly leaning into it, both literally—if she had curled any further into him, she would be hugging him—and figuratively—asking him personal questions she’d never bothered with before and laughing a little too loudly at his answers in a way that would have probably made him suspicious if she hadn’t distracted him by constantly touching his arm. It was the oldest trick in the book, and he must have known that, but Jyn wasn’t really in the mood to be subtle anyway.

If he was wary of her motives in flirting with him so obviously, he hadn’t mentioned any of his concerns to her. Cassian tends to be wary as a rule, which is part of why Jyn trusts him. He’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop too, just like she is. There’s a subtle understanding between them as a result. Other than that, Jyn had never given him much thought. Sure, he’s good looking, even when he comes to their gigs still in his clothes from the office, which make him look like an accountant. He’s not actually an accountant, though; he works at some organization that works with kids in the foster system, which is the sort of job that immediately put Jyn on edge when she first heard about it after he’d moved in with Bodhi. She’s technically a freelance illustrator, but since that doesn’t pay the bills with any consistency, she also works all sorts of other odd jobs to make up the difference. She doesn’t have a 401K or a high yield savings account, but she’s pretty sure Cassian does, even if he’s also probably underpaid. But he’s underpaid in the good way, the what-a-Saint way, while Jyn is underpaid in the no-one-values-your-skills, get-a-real-job way. So, at first, she’d been a little suspicious of him.

But, back then, he was Bodhi’s new roommate who also took him up on the invitation to come see his band play during one of their glamorous midnight slots at some crummy dive bar, which earned him a little respect in Jyn’s mind. When he kept showing up, she was surprised. It didn’t seem like his scene at all, but when she said as much to him one night, he’d given her a self-conscious smile and said that coming to Bodhi’s shows gave him the pretense of a social life when his co-workers asked what he did with his free time. He had a tendency to look worried or miserable when left to his own devices, but self-deprecation was a good look on him and it was nice to know he wasn’t dead serious all the time. They never became close friends after that, but Jyn always liked talking to him after the shows.

Something changed when she was going through the break-up, though. Cassian knew what happened, of course, enough to tell her he was sorry to hear about it from Bodhi, but they didn’t exactly talk in depth about it or anything. He treated her the same as he always had. The change had come from her, honestly. She’d always thought he was attractive, in that split-second way you decide when you first see someone, but she’d never given it any thought beyond that, really. But once the initial fog of I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening lifted after the break-up, she started to notice Cassian more and think about him in a way she hadn’t before. She was disappointed if he couldn’t make it to one of their gigs. She started to appreciate the dorky work outfits he wore to the dive bar venues they played and she liked talking to him after the set, when he’d give her his full attention like she was the most fascinating person in the world.

She couldn’t tell, though, if he was genuinely interested in her or if he just thought she was hot and (now) single. If she’d been smart, she would have figured that out before hooking up with him. Instead, the universe handed her the perfect opportunity to be alone with him, without any of their friends to talk them out of it or ruin the mood and she’d taken full advantage of it. She had felt almost dizzy with the possibility of it, that she could ask him to leave with her and that he’d probably say yes. Next to her, some drunk guy stumbled up to the bar and, in his haste, accidentally and rather fortuitously shoved her even further into Cassian’s arms. He’d tightened his hold on her to catch her fall and when she’d looked up, he was glaring at the man, who was completely oblivious to having made an enemy. It was ridiculously charming, to think he was offended on her behalf, as if her honor had been threatened. Really, what was she supposed to do then, except kiss him?

He’d been surprised, at first, and who could blame him? Sure, she’d been giving the corniest, most textbook signals that she was into him all night, but she hadn’t even known she was going to actually make a move until she did it. He recovered quickly, though, which was nice, and reciprocated immediately. Jyn’s not sure what she would have done if he’d asked questions or tried to talk things through first, even though she kind of expected it from him. They’d both had a few drinks, not enough to impair them by any means but just enough to embolden them.

His hand had come to rest on her back when she got pushed into him and she felt it flex, as if he was trying to hold her even closer. The other moved to her face as soon as she kissed him, though it was really just his thumb grazing her jaw, like he was worried she might turn away and he wanted to offer a slight incentive to stay where she was. She probably would have kept making out with him at the bar like they were college students or something, but she didn’t actually want to spend another second with the drunk patrons or the shitty band that was onstage. She wanted to be someplace else—anywhere else, really, so long as it meant she and Cassian could be alone. She pulled back, with great effort, and the look on Cassian’s face made her think he expected to be let down easy.

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked, instead.

His eyebrows went up, as if that was the last thing he expected her to say. He closed his eyes, like gathering his thoughts was difficult at that moment. “I, uh—what are you asking?”

Jyn bit her lip, which was a bad habit of hers when she was nervous, but if it also happened, by pure luck, to look flirtatious, that was fine too. “I’m asking if you want to go back to your place and have sex with me,” she said, because she wasn’t about to waste time and not get exactly what she wanted out of this.

“Do I want that?” He’d asked, dumbfounded, and if she hadn’t just been having a completely normal conversation with him, she’d have worried he was drunker than she thought. But this was entirely her effect on him and it was incredibly flattering. “Do you?”

“I think the fact that I suggested it makes it pretty obvious what I want.”

Cassian had run his hand through his hair, clearly a nervous tic. “Yeah, but—yes, I would like that.”

He said the last bit decisively, as though he realized he might be accidentally talking her out of it with his hesitation. He needn’t have worried—Jyn has her mind made up about this—but she thought it was better to keep him on his toes than reveal that. She gave him a bright smile before turning to get the bartender’s attention. They paid their tab and got the hell out of there in record time.

When they left the bar, it was raining lightly, barely a drizzle at this point, but there was evidence that it had stormed earlier in the evening. The small heel on Jyn’s boots brought her close enough to Cassian’s height that, even standing outside the bar, she didn’t have to strain to reach him and pull him down for another kiss. His hands came to her hips to steady her anyway and she’d have happily continued like this for a while if the bouncers by the front door didn’t wolf whistle at them and ruin the moment.

They started walking to Cassian’s apartment without discussing it, like they agreed via telepathy that no cab driver would tolerate them given their current amount of PDA. It wasn’t a far walk, though, and Jyn had internally thanked the forces of the universe for making this happen at the closest bar to Cassian’s place, because she’s sure they would have lost their nerve over the course of a lengthy subway or cab ride. Instead, they headed for his apartment in silence, more because they were focused than not having anything to say. He held her hand the whole way, as if he was afraid she’d disappear if he wasn’t touching her. While they waited for a crosswalk signal at one corner, he pulled her into his side and kissed her again, like she really needed the reminder that he was a good kisser. How could she forget?

“He’s a really good kisser,” she says, suddenly, to Bodhi, as they sit together on the couch.

Bodhi scrunches up his nose, looking disgusted. “Who? Reece?”

“No! I’m talking about Cassian!”

“Oh!” His eyes light up. “I thought you didn’t want to.”

Jyn shrugs, noncommittal. She wants Bodhi’s reassurance that she didn’t fuck things up beyond repair and this is probably the only way to get that. “I’m obviously not going to tell you everything . But we can talk about it, a little. I guess.”

“Okay, but how good is he?”

“Is there an accepted scale I should use?”

“One to ten would suffice, I think. Ten being the best kiss you’ve ever had and one being…well, you already said it was good, so we don’t need to worry about that.”

She exhales noisily, not sure how to describe it. “I don’t know. I can’t even think of the best kiss I ever had.”

“That’s kind of sad.”

She punches him on the shoulder. “I hate you,” she says, petulantly. “It was really, really good. Definitely an 8.5 or a 9. Maybe a 9.5.”

“Really?!”

Jyn nods, feeling awkward. “Yeah. We made out for a really long time before we…well, before anything else happened.”

She doesn’t mention that she’d almost lost her nerve, when they first got back to Cassian’s apartment. Being in his bedroom, the idea of sleeping together suddenly became real and all of her tipsy confidence evaporated. She’d been in a relationship for two years—she’d thought she and Reece would move in together whenever their leases were up, even though she hadn’t had the confidence to bring it up to him before he turned around and left her for another woman—and suddenly she wasn’t ready to be with someone else. Naturally, Cassian had picked up on her change in mood and asked her what was wrong. She lied and said it was nothing, though he hadn’t looked convinced. To prove her point, she’d kissed him again, hard, trying to psych herself up, but he’d eased back, turning their kiss into something easier and softer. He’d kissed her like that for a while, his hands in her hair and on her jaw, not reaching for her clothes or straying anywhere new. It was only after they’d continued like that for a long time that Jyn felt her nerves mellow into pleasure and then sharpen into desire again. Even though they’d kept things fairly chaste, all of that kissing had made her want more, and she clearly had to be the one to take the lead.

“And was he a gentleman with you?” Bodhi asks primly, interrupting Jyn’s thoughts.

“You’re going to have to be more specific,” she says, with a frown.

“Did he…how do I put this…take care of your needs?”

“Oh. Uh, yes.”

“First?” He asks, clearly enjoying himself.

“Yes,” Jyn replies, through gritted teeth. She leaves out the fact that she’d not-so-subtly rushed them past the point of foreplay so Cassian wouldn’t get any ideas. Maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, that he would have even tried something like that with her, that she got in the way of some grand plan of his to gallantly fulfill her needs before worrying about his own, but he had looked surprised when she took them straight from kissing to taking his clothes off to fucking him. Maybe it was a pleasant surprise, maybe he was relieved to find someone who didn’t expect so much effort from him. She didn’t ask. She just knew that she couldn’t handle the idea of it being unequal, of him being smug or, worse, expectant with her. She didn’t want to owe him anything, so they were going to have sex once and then she could move on. Naturally, she hadn’t counted on getting pregnant.

“I told him I was on the pill and I wasn’t,” she blurts out before she can stop herself.

The way Bodhi swings around to stare at her would be funny, under any other circumstances. “Why would you lie about that?” He asks, unable to keep the judgement out of his tone.

“I didn’t lie ,” she says. “I thought I was on the pill! I’ve been taking it for years, so I didn’t think anything of it. I forgot to get my prescription refilled a few months ago and I was like, ‘who cares?’ because Reece and I had just broken up and I was convinced I was never going to have sex again.”

“But then you had sex with Cassian!”

“I know! And I forgot I wasn’t on the pill anymore.”

Bodhi covers his eyes with his hands. “Please tell me you used a condom.”

“Cassian definitely offered,” she says, trying to sound upbeat.

“And you said, ‘yes, of course, because you’re a man I’ve never slept with before and that’s the safest way for us to have sex!’”

“No. I said, ‘it’s fine, don’t worry about it, I’m on the pill.’”

“Jyn!”

“Before you yell at me, I would like to remind you I’m already pregnant, so the worst case scenario has already happened.”

“That’s not the only reason you should use a condom!”

“I know, but I got tested for STDs when I went in for my pregnancy test and nothing has come back positive yet, so hopefully I’m not that unlucky.”

“Listen, I know you’re going through some stuff right now and I don’t want to pile on, but that was really risky,” he says, looking more serious than she’s ever seen him. “You have to promise me that you’ll be more careful.”

“I promise,” she says, feeling like a teenager being chastised. “Believe me, paying out of pocket for an abortion is a pretty great way for me to learn my lesson.”

“God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my fault. Like you said, I wasn’t being careful.”

“That wasn’t—I’m not trying to hit your nose with a rolled up newspaper, Jyn. I’m just worried about you.”

“I know. This is why I was embarrassed. I made a complete idiot out of myself. And now I get to explain all of this to Cassian, which won’t be humiliating at all.”

“He’ll understand,” Bodhi says, with enviable levels of confidence. “He’s good like that.”

“I said I’d call him and I didn’t,” she says, trying not to cringe as she remembers how quickly she’d left after they’d had sex, how she hadn’t even looked Cassian in the eye when she promised to call. “Even if he was fine with a one-night stand, I still lied to him. I doubt he’ll be happy to hear from me, especially under the circumstances.”

“If the alternative is not hearing from you at all, I think he’d rather hear from you. No matter what the circumstances are.”

“I don’t know.”

“Jyn, you and Cassian are friends, even if you don’t think you’re particularly close. And you’ve slept together, which involves a certain level of intimacy—”

“Not the way I do it,” she jokes. Although there’s some truth to it, she thinks.

Bodhi smacks her with a pillow, which she completely deserves. “Call him or I’ll kick your ass.”

“God, fine!” She slouches down in her seat on the couch. “Do I have to do it right now?”

“God, no. I don’t want to be here for that conversation,” he says, grabbing another handful of popcorn. “Besides, you promised me a movie night. What are we watching?”

“I don’t care, as long as it doesn’t involve babies or pregnancy.”

Bodhi’s scrolling through the titles on Netflix as she speaks, nodding absentmindedly. “‘Sleepless in Seattle’?” He asks, when he lands on it.

“That totally has a baby in it!”

“The kid is, like, eight,” he argues. “And it’s not about the process of having kids!”

Jyn sighs, defeated. “Do you want to watch ‘Sleepless in Seattle,’ Bodhi?”

“Yes, but I’m mostly in it for Bill Pullman.”

“Fine,” she says, settling in next to him. “I’m probably going to fall asleep in twenty minutes, anyway.”

“That’s the spirit,” Bodhi says, and hits play.

[hoekaashi]

Pairing: Kirishima x Bakugou

Summary: Bakugou moves into a new city and is quick to make a new friend. Neither of them knew that it would lead to something more.

Word count: 1.9k

a/n: I wrote this a while ago for a sprint and Lei was very persistent about me finishing it, so here it is. ALSO THANK YOU GUABA FOR THE BANNER YOU AMAZING BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

Since moving to his new apartment, Bakugou had been trying to familiarize himself with the neighborhood’s layout. More specifically, the city he lived in. His street was different to most streets in the area and he soon realized that it was a social hub that thousands of people visited each day. He also understood why the rent for his place was so cheap.

Currently, he was trying to get some sleep, but the drunk people outside wouldn’t let him. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand.

Two am.

Two in the fucking morning.

Bakugou had enough and opened his window. Sticking his head out, he shouted. “Go the fuck home and let me get some fucking sleep, extras!”

The small group stared at him. Some of them flipped him off while others just ignored him. That didn’t sit well with him.

“I’m calling the fucking police.” That did it. They all started walking away quickly, not wanting to get arrested. Before he closed his window, he heard someone else speak.

“Thank you!”

Bakugou wasn’t sure who said that, and he wasn’t in the mood to figure it out. He just wanted to go to bed.

The next morning, he decided to make his rounds and introduce himself to his neighbors. It had been a couple weeks since he moved in, and his place was finally ready. What place? His shop right under his apartment - his flower shop. No one thought that Bakugou of all people would own a flower shop, but he enjoyed it. His mother made flower arrangements when she was stressed and it was a habit he had picked up quickly. It was relaxing for him and that’s all that mattered. He had gotten small bouquets ready for the seven people around him. If the building number wasn’t in the same tens number range as his, he wasn’t going to bother talking to them.

He quickly had gotten through the first four neighbors, all of them saying the same thing - how curious they were about him. Since first impressions mattered, Bakugou humored them and was as polite as his mouth would let him be. The next two were too busy so Bakugou made a mental note to come back later. One shop left. It was a tattoo parlor that intrigued Bakugou. The sign said they weren’t open yet, but Bakugou still tried to push the door open. When it did, a little bell rang. He looked up at that damn thing that was hanging above his head in annoyance. He could hear some music playing, but other than that, nothing. The door closed behind him, ringing the bell once more.

“Sorry, we’re not open yet!” a voice said.

Bakugou moved out of the waiting area and looked behind the wall that was blocking his view. “I saw, but I’m your new neighbor and wanted to introduce myself.”

“The flower shop!”

Bakugou didn’t see anyone and was confused about where the voice was coming from. “Yeah…”

A red haired man came out from a room in the back. “I was actually meaning to stop by sooner, but work picked up since a few people quit.”

Bakugou stared in shock at the person in front of him. He felt his heart start to race and he could feel his face start to heat up. “It’s not a problem,” he said, a bit quieter than usual. “Um, these are for you. As a hello present.”

The man took the flowers and smiled. “These look really nice, man!” Bakugou looked away to avoid him from seeing how his smile affected Bakugou. “I’m excited to see your place. The person who was there before was like this weird voodoo shop and it threw off the entire vibe of the street. Anyways, my name’s Kirishima. It’s nice to meet you, man.”

Bakugou looked up at him and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Bakugou… are you the person who thanked me when I yelled at those drunk idiots?”

Kirishima’s smile widened. “Yeah! We had been dealing with them for a while but I never had enough energy to do anything about it. We called the police a few times when it got really bad, but they always came back around. I’m glad that you did though.”

Bakugou nodded. “I gotta get back to work, it was nice to meet you.”

“You too! I’ll stop by when you open.”

Once Bakugou was back in the confines of his own shop, he took a deep breath. “Kirishima, huh?”

The day had arrived for him to open his shop. Everything was ready to go, advertisements were done. He noticed the red head pass by every day and peer in. Occasionally when Bakugou had the time, he would invite him in. Kirishima would talk and watch as Bakugou worked on flower arrangements and organizing the shop. Every time, he left with a new bouquet that Bakugou would make for him. Every time, Bakugou felt himself fall a little deeper.

The door was officially open and the shop was available to people other than Kirishima. He was so engrossed in his work that Bakugou never noticed when Kirishima had come in. Bakugou was listening to some lady talk about her obese cat and how it can’t walk from how fat it is while finishing up her arrangement, when Kirishima walked up to him. Handing off the bouquet, she left the two together.

Kirishima gave Bakugou an orchid. He laughed nervously. “I bought this as a gift but forgot what you do for a living…”

Bakugou took the flower and smirked. “You forgot I owned a flower shop?”

“Like I said, work has been busy.”

“Work has been busy,” Bakugou said at the same time.

“I’ve said that too much, huh? Not very manly of me to keep complaining.” Kirishima rubbed the nap of his neck.

Another customer walked over to the counter with a premade bouquet they wanted to buy. Bakugou stopped talking to Kirishima to take care of the transaction.

“You seem really busy. I should get out of your hair.”

“No,” Bakugou replied, way too fast. He handed the bouquet and change to the customer. “I mean, if you want to. But come back here later, shitty hair.”

“Huh? Why?”

Bakugou rolled his eyes. “Just do it.”

Kirishima didn’t get the chance to reply as Bakugou was whisked away by another customer. He watched the blond work a little longer. How his face softened a bit when talking about the different flowers. How his muscles flexed under his shirt as he moved. How he resisted the urge to yell at an annoying customer. Kirishima smiled to himself and headed back to his place. It was almost time for him to open and he needed to make sure everything was set up and ready to go.

By the time Kirishima was done with his last appointment for the day, the sun had begun to set. His shop wasn’t closing for another few hours, but he was done for the night. Back to back tattoos took a toll on his hand and his eyes. Looking at the time, he realized that it was only a couple minutes before Bakugou had to close. He rushed out of his office, telling one of his tattoo artists that he would be back later, and headed a couple shops down to see his friend.

“I thought you forgot about me,” he heard Bakugou say, but he couldn’t see him anywhere in the shop. 

Kirishima chuckled. “Nah, I just had a lot of people come in today.”

Bakugou walked out from the back of his shop, wiping his hands on a worn out hand towel. He had taken off his white button down shirt and had changed into a black muscle tank. Kirishima let his eyes roam over Bakugou’s arms quickly before turning his attention back to his friend.

Bakugou placed the towel down on the counter and cleaned up the stray stems and leaves scattered around the register. “That sounds good for business though.” He glanced up at Kirishima.

The red head nodded. “It was helpful, but I’m not sure if everyone can handle this much of a workload by themselves. I’ll have to find some new workers soon. That’s a problem for another day though.”

Bakugou finished up in time for closing. The only things he had left to do was lock the register, turn on the security system and switch the sign to closed. The evening had been getting warmer so he ditched his jacket and motioned for Kirishima to follow him out of his shop.

The two walked in silence for a bit. Bakugou seemed lost in thought and Kirishima didn’t know what to say to his friend. He looked up at the dark purple sky. The sun was almost gone, the street lights turning on, and the night life beginning to buzz around the two.

“Where are we going?” Kirishima asked, curiosity finally getting the best of him.

“There’s this place I like to come to once a day…” Bakugou stopped walking and Kirishima’s mouth fell open slightly.

In front of him were two rows of cherry blossom trees lining a walkway that went on as far as he could see. The crowd wasn’t too big since it was dark now, but the lights from the buildings and street lights gave the trees a different kind of life. Kirishima walked forward, forgetting about his friend. The pink petals looked like a mix of purples, yellows, and blues from the various light sources. Bakugou strolled behind his friend with his hands in his pockets.

“Whenever I feel stressed, I like to come here to relax. I’m surprised you haven’t come here before since you’ve lived here a lot longer than me.”

Kirishima didn’t know what to say. “I…” He was too awestruck by the sight before him. He shouldn’t have been surprised that a florist knew about this before him though. Even if said florist was correct about how he should’ve known about this place.

“I’ve been wanting to bring you here and figured today would be a good day.”

Kirishima finally looked at Bakugou, confusion evident on his face.

“I really don’t know how to say this… and I don’t want to ruin what we have.” Kirishima felt his heart start to race. Was this what he thought it was?

Bakugou took a deep breath and let it go. “I… fuck! Why is this so hard?!”

Kirishima turned so his back was facing the cherry blossoms. “I like you.”

Bakugou ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah shitty hair, I would hope so -”

“No. Bakugou, I like you. Like more than a friend.”

He looked up at the red head with an unreadable expression. Did Kirishima read this situation wrong? He began to panic.

“But like, if you don’t, then it’s cool bro. Don’t stress about it, I’ll get over it. It’s a silly crush-”

Bakugou shut Kirishima up by grabbing his shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. Kirishima took a moment to register what was happening and once it did, he closed his eyes and cupped Bakugou’s face. Bakugou’s hand released Kirshima’s shirt and wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. The kiss deepened quickly, their repressed feelings finally free and being expressed by their actions. By the time they pulled away, both of them were out of breath with flushed faces. Kirishima smiled and rested his forehead against Bakugou’s.

“You don’t know how long I wanted to tell you that,” Bakugou said quietly.

“You never actually said anything,” Kirishima joked.

Bakugou pulled away and placed his hands in his pockets as he began to walk away. Kirishima shouted after the pouting blond. “It was a joke Bakugou! That kiss told me everything I need to know!”

Tags: @suckersuki​, @izukyu​, @humanitys-hottestsoldier​, @bakugoustanaccount​, @sushij1ma​

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #385

“I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things”

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) Uhhhh. I don't know. Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes. What’s your favorite movie series? I think Shrek when you consider all the movies' (well, I haven't seen the last one, but...) quality. No memeage here, I just genuinely love Shrek, haha. I would say The Lion King, but miraculously when you consider the focus on meerkats, I actually don't like 1 1/2 much. What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? Hm... I think I got purple highlights? Do you want to move anytime soon? Even though we haven't even lived here a year, yes. I don't like living in an urban area, and I also reeeeaaaally don't like our family friend being our landlord. I know that sounds very weird, but she's just a very controlling person who forcefully inserts herself into my family's lives now more than ever, and I have a pretty deep fear that a potential argument finally erupting will lead to us being kicked out. I genuinely don't think Tobey would ever do that, but the fear is still there. How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school? Average, I guess? What was the most interesting year of your life, and why? "Interesting," maybe... 2017 or 2018? I learned a lot about myself in that time range. But at the same time, my life was (and still is) VERY uneventful. Just a lot of mental stuff went on. What was the first social media site you ever used? Myspace. Do you have any exes you really regret dating? REALLY regret? No. I wish I'd never dated Tyler, but it's not a massive regret or anything. He was still a cool guy that I have a few nice memories with. Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview? Ha, I'd definitely stretch the truth about being more of a people-person than I am. I couldn't go too far with lying, though; I'm just not comfortable doing that, 'cuz like, they're gonna find out eventually that it's not true. Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Maybe my friend Summer. Her room has always been super cool. What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in? Apparently, not talking to him every second of every day two weeks into a relationship was a no-no. Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home? The sleep study building or whatever it's considered in the medical plaza. Do you have any step- or half-siblings? I have both. What do people always seem to think is weird about you? The fact I don't watch TV. Do you ever braid your hair? It's way too short for that. Even when it was long, I didn't do it frequently at all. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? Roman, in particular. What was the last thing you gave up on? uhhhhhhhhhhh If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? I don't. What’s the last DIY project you did, if any? If you can’t remember, what’s something you’d be interested in doing? I'm not really into DIY stuff, honestly. I'd rather just buy products that were made better than I could, or commission someone who can. What's a song that makes you feel happy? I dunno. It's rare a song alone makes me happy. What is your favorite clothing store? Rebel's Market. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it was a more social platform. What is something you do well? Catastrophize any situation. Assume the worst of everything. What's a good idea you've had recently? Probably to re-engage with a calorie-counting app I used to use. I'm back to trying to use it consistently. Do you like to wear high heels? Does ANY person LIKE to? How many slices of pizza do you usually eat? Two or three depending on my appetite and the size of the pizza. Do you play any instruments? Not anymore. Do you always smile for pictures? Not always. What are you most excited about right now? To see the results of my TMS therapy. What's the last song you listened to? "Ex’s and Oh’s” by Elle King. What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching an Erosium livestream rn. Newest channel binge, haha. Do you know anyone who's died in childbirth? No. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career? No. I don't want to leave my family. Do you wear foundation? No, I hate the feeling of that crap. Do you know anyone who has run for public office? No. Do you have a cartilage piercing? I used to, but the hole closed when I had to take it out for the hospital. :/ I plan on getting it repierced. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room or urgent care? If so, why? Yes; for being suicidal, a suicide attempt, and when I had a horribly infected cyst and just existing made me want to sob with pain. Have you ever had to visit anyone in the hospital? Yeah, a few times. What is the most pain (physical, mental, emotional) you've ever felt? Physical: having the aforementioned cyst drained when I was not nearly numbed enough. Mental and emotional (what's really the difference?): my breakup with my first real boyfriend. What is the longest time you've spent crying? Oh, hours on end, fluctuating with intensity. Have you ever been stolen from? Yes. Have you ever been to a ghost town? No, but I would FUCKING LOVE to. Let me bring my camera and it's a field day. Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? Not in this current house. Have you ever been inside of a vacant house? No. Have you ever been attacked by a dog? No. What is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? The massive cyst my late dog Teddy developed on his lower belly. That fucking thing hung on by a THREAD and was absolutely nauseating to look at. How old were you when you learned how to read? I don't recall, I just know it was earlier than most children. Do you prefer cats or dogs? Cats. Which book series was the first you read? I want to say Hank the Cowdog. I was hooked on it. Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Haha, what a question, as I've considered both of these as potential careers. I think write a book. What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: A nightmare about my dad that I'm not going into. What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I'm very uncomfortable revealing jealousy or envy. How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? Extremely. What is the most fun game to play? Shadow of the Colossus, probably. What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic, etc.)? I don't know, maybe dry. How many languages can you say "hello my name is…" in? Two. What language do you think sounds the nicest? I don't know, it's not like I've heard every language be spoken. What language do you want to learn more of? German. Do you have any form of OCD? I'm diagnosed with OCD. Do you make promises often? No. I take promises VERY seriously and am not about to make one unless I'm certain I can keep it. What is it that you are responsible for? My pets, keeping my room clean, stuff like that. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not "a lot," no. Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? Verbally. I'm only physically aggressive in my nightmares. What warning has someone given you that you wish you’d have listened to? Hm. What warning has someone given you you are glad you didn’t take? I also don't know. What is your favourite video of on YouTube? I can't pick just one. Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? Maggots. Just the word makes me squirm. What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? My signature. Have you ever watched Breaking Bad? No. Are your fingernails always painted? They never are. What color is your bed frame? A rich brown. Did any of your neighbors come over to welcome you when you moved into your current house? No. What's something you didn't realize how bad it was until it happened to you? Heartbreak. Do you like Taylor Swift's singing voice? No. It's squeaky and annoying to me. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Why the fuck would it bother me? Let people be in touch with their emotions. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Ummm I want to say Starbuck's w/ Mom after my TMS appointment. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural "things?" No. Does your house have any unoccupied bedrooms? Yes. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and she personally suspects something's up with Dad, but idk. He's never seen a doctor about that kinda stuff. What fun things are there to do where you live? Ha! Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? I know many like that. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? My parents owned it. Can you see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't paid attention at this house. I'm certain it'd be harder now living in an urban area, though. What job do you know you'd be terrible at? Like, everything? I'd probably be worst at promoting stuff to people and trying to push them into buying something. No being a salesperson for me. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Who doesn't? And now, for the greatest question of all time! Toilet paper- should it go over or under? I literally couldn't care less about this. Fun fact though to "end" the argument, the original concept art of the idea (the word for that is evading me...) has it designed to go over. Are you afraid of mice? Not at all, they're adorable. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I don't have a specific "type" of thing I get, really. It depends. Do you vacation often? Not at all. Are you comfortable wearing your pajamas in public places? It depends on the place, really. Generally, I really don't care, so long as I put a bra on. What’s your favorite candy bar? That one that's a bunch of Reese's squares composed into a rectangle. It. Is so. Fucking. Good. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Do you own a helmet of any sorts? No. Does your family generally decorate for most holidays? Just for Christmas, really. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I'm not a soup person. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? I saw one or two episodes with Sara. If so, what do you think is the scariest creature yet? N/A Do you read tour guide type books before you visit places? No.