#victim of circumstance (the circumstance being autism)

[itsnotcurious]

No…

No fucking way.

STARSCREAM HAS A STARSCREAM.

[nicomoon69]

I’ve made up so much Bernard lore in my head so I’m just going to dump it here

so post Louis Grieve in my head Bernard transferred to an all boys boarding school his junior year (someone suggested Brentwood so I’m gonna go w that). his parents sent him there as a bit of a last ditch effort to straighten him out, get up his grades and push him out of his silly habits. this also included them making him buzz off his hair since they deemed his old hair unprofessional.

all of it was a huge blow to Bernard’s already fragile mental health and self esteem so at Brentwood he was kind of a mess. he wasn’t exactly a bad student but the people around him considered him even more of an outsider than he was before at Louis Grieve.

eventually Bernard did find himself with a small group of friends (might further develop them as ocs??) who were much like him outsiders. one of said friends also being the first time he fooled around with a guy, which led to several more though none of it was ever serious.

there was lots of denial at first but by the time his time at Brentwood ended Bernard had accepted himself as queer.

he applied for a few colleges, some outside of Gotham but he ended up settling for GU bc part of his couldnt handle leaving his city behind. he chose a double major because he thought that would make his parents most proud and bc biology and physics were the only subjects he enjoyed.

despite everything seemingly going well for Bernard he felt an emptiness that nothing could fix, that is until he found the Children of Dionysus. despite knowing the risks of joining a cult he did. he was in the cult for roughly eight months before he got kidnapped to get sacrificed.

that was a rough version of what happened in my head. I have some more details that I couldn’t fit smoothly into that word vomit so here’s some more

Bernard came out to his parents his first semester, which they took pretty badly and led him to getting kicked out and having to couch surf for a bit before landing on the apartment he was living in during TD:R.

to keep himself afloat with no support from his parents Bernard worked two jobs, one at a diner around the corner of his apartment and the other at a coffee shop closer to GU.

at Brentwood Bernard did a lot of experimental stuff with his appearance ranging from spiking his hair after it had grown out a bit to getting his ears pierced multiple times. a tongue piercing came along somewhere in his time at the cult and Bernard genuinely doesn’t remember getting it.

during junior and senior year Bernard joined the basketball team. he was surprisingly good considering he had never showed any interest in the sport and wasn’t particularly athletic before then. basketball somehow also led him to training himself in martial arts.

since I do hc the Children of Dionysus to have some more Dionysian practices I think Bernard developed both a distaste for wine and eating raw meat (omophagia).

Bernard has been refusing to get drastic hair cuts after the buzz cut and is unlikely to get one any time soon. he’s been taking kitchen scissors to his hair and freestyling it if he feels it needs more shape.

though he’s been out for a while Bernard hasn’t actually dated anyone long term before Tim. most people he’s been with were flings or were blocked after a few dates.

the way Bernard got into contact with the cult is through one of his high school classmates, who he’d seen talk about the ways that joining it had improved their life and how they were much more enlightened. he due to his circumstances was an easy victim after his initial skepticism

there’s just a lot of permanent scarring due to the cult, but Bernard doesn’t bother covering them up with make up or clothes. at least not post getting rescued.

Bernard actually goes to therapy after the cult and was also diagnosed with autism (let me project a teeny bit). it helped him make more sense of his life and gave him more direction.

his cooking passion came from his early childhood, being dimmed out in middle school and only returning after high school. he mostly enjoys writing his own recipes and experimenting with taste. there was ofc the added challenge of budget, but it was one of the few things that made him happy.

his conspiracy theorist side mostly calmed down until he was thrust back into it when he started dating Tim. this was due to odd behavior from Tim and until Bernard found out he was RR (which really didn’t take that long) he was balls deep on conspiracy blogs and threads. he didn’t really quite after putting the RR pieces together though, bc he enjoyed being able to subtly help Tim with his cases.

due to the two jobs and double major previously mentioned Bernard has a terrible sleeping schedule. he regularly stays up past three only to have a morning shift that starts at seven.

gonna quite rambling for now lol, might edit this post to add more in the morning but I’m sick of typing. sorry if it’s a lot, I just think abt him a lot……. yea..

[zeroar]

An Open Letter to the People Who Support Autism Speaks

Autism Speaks is eighteen years old. The age they should start dismissing themselves as being an authority on autism like they do with autistic adults if they cared about consistency at all.

They were founded in 2005 by a couple of Hollywood executives who grieved the diagnosis of their grandchild. This was a full dozen years after the seminal "Don't Mourn For Us" by Jim Sinclair was penned and presented.

From the beginning, Autism Speaks was anti-autism. They sought a "cure" they could use to erase our existence from the planet, they fomented anti-vax conspiracies which are still plaguing our society today, and they fostered and continue to foster an environment supportive and understanding of child-murder.

But. They were connected to celebrity. And they had the endowment and reach to become the largest anti-autism group in the nation and world.

The primary method of advertising which Autism Speaks used from the beginning is known as "fear appeal".

Typically, they frame autistic children as changeling-like creatures which replace the allistic or neurotypical child you had with one which will never love you and will tear apart your family.

Autism Speaks spotlights the worst of having an autistic family member and pulls the drapes on any mitigating circumstances or assistance. They emphasize the burden we are and the harm caused to our families by our existence.

Autism Speaks then goes on to frame themselves as being the solution and the experts on everything autism. They say, don't listen to autistic people, listen to their parents and other people who have been negatively affected by their existence. Listen to these cherry-picked examples.

They talk vaguely about support for autistic children and families while they campaign ceaselessly to find the genes which contributed to making us... so they can unmake us.

As you might expect for people who frame themselves as being the victim of their children's existences, they have been easily taken in by snake-oil salesmen and conspiracy theorists.

To this day, Autism Speaks continues to emphasize the "environmental causes of autism" even while fully knowing (from the millions of dollars of research they put in pursuing a debunked study) that autism appears to be primarily genetic and our environment really only affects our presentations as autistic, not our realities as autistic.

"Environmental causes" is a dog whistle for vaccines because they no longer feel it is profitable for them to explicitly encourage widespread death and alternative disabilities of children, so they have started only alluding to it and finally, years after the study was debunked and retracted, agree that vaccines do not cause autism.

"Environmental causes" is also a dog whistle for things like heavy metal poisoning causing autism and various other external things that can be "taken care of" via chelation therapy and bleaching our insides. Yes, Autism Speaks is at least partially responsible for spreading bleach "cures".

I believe they've taken it down since I first started advocating for SPLC to recognize Autism Speaks as a hate group—something autistic persons have recognized for years—but as recently as a year ago they were still directing people to seek out these "cures".

They worded it in such a way that it was, "These 'cures' do not work and can cause harm, but you should talk to people who tried them for their children and see for yourself."

It's cruelty for cruelty's sake. Or it's believing scientifically disproven things in a way that promotes the torture of children.

Which brings us to arguably their biggest crime against humanity and against autistic people specifically thus far: the advancement of behaviorism or behavioral conditioning as the "treatment" for autism.

Behaviorism, that is, conversion therapy torture. When done on autistic people, it is commonly called ABA or PBS.

This is another reason why they cling to "environmental causes", because behaviorism is entirely consumed with external presentation.

Autism is a pervasive neurological state which colors every aspect of our lives. Their "solution" is to deny our reality, break us to their will, and have us pretend to be "normal".

Through their efforts, they have ensured conversion therapy is not just used, but frequently the only choice for covered treatment of autistic children.

I say "choice", but the torture is sometimes court-mandated (and this is more common when the parents are marginalized-by-society in some way themselves).

Autism Speaks is so very proud of their government influence. Shortly before I started the petition, I watched in horror as their testimony scuttled a bill at the state level intended to help autistic children which had the support of their parents because not enough torture was included in the "help".

People say they've "changed", yet it's not like their institution is so hallowed and sacrosanct that it is necessary to keep around even as it is continues to encourage harm and death to autistic children and autistic adults.

Autism Speaks is the multi-headed hydra of anti-autism rhetoric and hate in the world today. They have so many branches and have infiltrated so deeply that many of their supporters ( I hope ) are not even aware of the hateful rhetoric and active harm they spread.

People tend not to even question the premise that autistic humans are better off dead than alive, people have for ages not even thought of us as human. Autism Speaks recommends starting behavioral conditioning as early as possible in children as young as two. The least intensive programs they recommend are for dozens of hours a week.

This is what they recommend, push, and lobby for with *all* autistic children.

If they become able to accurately recognize autism in a fetus, then their genocide and eugenics will only accelerate. I am pro-abortion, but no one should be coerced into an abortion with lies and one-sided propaganda.

Showing hateful rhetoric and catastrophizing about our existence to a newly pregnant person is similarly abominable as the sort of thing anti-choice people do.

Autism Speaks has not changed, though they have gotten better at pretending normality. Maybe they put themselves through conversion therapy torture to learn how to pretend to be a force of good while being sympathetic of child murderers?

Or, you know, they've hired publicists and PR people.

If you were duped by them, I'm sorry that their hate is not more well-known. Can you imagine if the first place you felt supported you and understood your struggles was the bad guy? Who would think that by default?

But they are the bad guy. And they're using you. Preying on your isolation and desire for community and support.

They start early. Constant public outreach. Working with cops. University chapters. There may even be entire branches under their umbrella that are actively dedicated to good. But they support the hate and harm by supporting Autism Speaks.

If you support Autism Speaks, then you support the elimination of autism.

If you believe their fear-driven propaganda designed to earn more money for themselves, that may sound like a good thing to you.

But you cannot eliminate autism without eliminating the autistic person, too.

We cannot turn off our autism, some of us can pretend normality—frequently to our great misfortune—but others can't do that either. It's similar to what happens when you force queer people through conversion therapy torture / behaviorism regimes.

There is not some hidden switch in our brains to "fix" us. Even if there was, we would not be ourselves, we would be different people. You cannot separate autism from the autistic.

If this letter spoke to you, I hope you will consider signing my petition to get the Southern Poverty Law Center to track anti-disability hate and to recognize Autism Speaks as an anti-autism group.

You can find the petition here:

Thank you for reading, Zero Richardson

[lullaebies]

What do you think about Helaena's portrayal in the show? Idw to ask about Aegon's portrayal because he was the one that get fucked up the most even if they wanted him to be the main antagonist of the show there were many "more complex and interesting" ways to portray him. But what about helaena? There is always something wrong in Helaena's character in the show for me, in many ways she does seems to be a caricature of the trope of the weird prophetic princess.

This is going to be an essay. Buckle up.

As endearing and easy to feel for her circumstances she is (and the show is how I got to know her, I liked her to begin with regardless and I read Fire and Blood only after watching), I feel like the show failed her tremendously, not only by falling into the trope you mentioned, but perpetuating stereotypes regarding neurodivergent people as well as making Helaena a victim before bothering to make her a person. Let me get into it one by one.

The trope of the neurodivergent girl with powers, to begin with, is obviously a somewhat uncomfortable trope that hints neurodivergency doesn't have a place to be unless it is accompanied by powers of some sort. The idea of neurodivergence being inherently magical is harmful in a detracting kind of way. That already kind of leaves a bad taste in the mouth as both the neurodivergence and dreamer plotlines were added without textual evidence in F&B, so the mix is probably deliberate to create 'she's more than what meets the eye' type of character. Doesn't work as well in today's sphere of things.

Now, I wouldn't care nearly as much about the trope if they bothered to make her more than just her prophecies and her neurodivergence. They could've had their cake and could've eaten it if they gave her actual lines that speak of how she feels about what's around her and in what situation she's in. Every single line she has in the show is a prophecy, save for exactly two: her speaking about her millipede to Alicent (because her hyper fixation is the only she cares about, apparently) and her roasting Aegon at dinner (which was a serve, but was once more only there to serve she cannot converse like a normal person and to show she is a victim). We have absolutely nothing about how she feels as a person, as a sister, as a mother! They barely gave her a chance to react to Driftmark, we don't know if she was scared about her wedding and what is happening to her, we don't even get her saying what she thinks about her visions! We have zero framing of anything. We see nothing of what the book describes her as: Why was she described as a happy girl? Why people agreed she would be a lovely mother? Why did the smallfolk like her, why was her death their last straw? Who is she, aside from bugs and weird mumblings? Autistic people have thoughts and feelings and many of them can express them in an even better way than people without autism (I worked for 4 years with autistic adults, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum myself - anecdotal evidence it is, but there was no reason to not let her have actual character moments.) Many people in this fandom are convinced she is not able to hold a single conversation with anyone - it's atrocious and offensive.

And then we have the victim discussion, which only packs it in further. She is shown to be a perpetual victim in the show, pretty clearly to vilify Aegon (who frankly is also a victim of the marriage, but we don't get to talk about that). She has been stripped of all her agency; in the books, she talks smack about Aegon in a humorous way, she sits on his war council and advocates for peace, she is a good mother who is hands-on with her children and consistently portrayed with them. She has a life, and meaning outside of being a victim, she's active. When you think of a princess who claimed the largest dragon living in the dragon pit, don't you at least think she is courageous? that she has a sense of life in her, to drive her to do such a thing? And she could've done all of the things she does in the book, with the dreamer plot and the neurodivergent characterization all the same, and that is what drives me insane. These were additions, but they didn't have to overwrite Helaena as a whole.

We don't get to see her truly live, and care about the things she loves. When B&C happens, we are going to see an autistic woman brutalized and her children hurt and murdered many people would cheer for it, without the necessary preparation of showing how much she cared about the children, without showing any conflict of hers to take the mantle as Queen, without her ever showing or thinking about these complex situations she's been put in. She's not allowed to have an opinion politically, at least not so far - she's not allowed to have as much voice as her brothers do and she's not allowed to be taken seriously as Queen Consort as Rhaenyra is taken seriously as Queen, which is such, SUCH a shame, because if we had a smidge of comparisons between the two sisters we could have had them be proper foils, which is interesting, and not to the detriment of either of them!

To conclude; they sprinkled on Helaena tropey traits, made her lines be more or less summed up as cool foreshadowing, and erased the traits that would've made the crowd find her endearing and relatable as a person. (and I have theories about it, but I won't get into it here). They failed Helaena not because of the additions themselves, but because they refuse to take her place as a woman in this story seriously, as well as refused to flesh her out beyond the surface-level tropes. She could've been so, so much more, and I can talk about it for hours, but choices have been made. Her arc deserved to be built up better, as did her character, and it's very frustrating.

[vent-channel]

I hate that there’s basically no portrayal of just pure self h arm in media at all. I just want something to relate to.

There’s always those awareness things that oh-so-carefully avoid triggering things and every time people talk about it there’s always the cliche reasons of just the sad little victim of it. And in other things there’s usually something else like guilt or going out and getting drunk/high because you ‘just don’t care’.

And yeah those people exist but also it’s always such a little depiction of what people think is a little issue.

Where’s the crying over having to go swimming because you’re self-conscious about scarring? Where’s the competitive nature and the anger? Where’s the thoughts whenever you see a sharp object? Where’s the blood all over your clothes and the tissues you hid and the evidence that got found and the embarrassing confrontation with your parents and the things you’ve never even told anyone about? Where’s purposely triggering yourself because you feel better but don’t want to get better? Where’s the iron deficiency from too much blood loss?

It’s like people are TRYING to avoid the subject. People will go this much into detail about su1cide, EDs, dr ugs, etc. but nobody wants to talk about self h arm. Not even self h arm charities will talk about how isolating it is.

They’ll talk about depression sure. Feeling like you can’t get out of bed, tiredness the lot of it but you don’t have to have a depression disorder to self h arm consistently for years.

I know technically it is but I’m sick of all my problems (excluding autism) just being brushed off as minor symptoms of disorders I don’t have. It just feels like at some point you’ve got to admit that the self h arm is the problem. It’s not depression, it’s not my circumstances, it’s not even sensory overload anymore, and it’s only minorly connected to the weather. It’s its own thing that fuels itself. Even inside of other problems it fuels itself. It’s like it wants to keep itself alive. It will always be there at the back of your mind. Doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been clean because the scars are always there and it will always be in the back of your mind waiting because your clean in just the space between 2 relapses.

What about those of us who don’t do it on impulse who don’t ‘black out and wake up with our arm like that’ who sit there and contemplate and want to just see the inside of our skin. Plan out when we’re going to do it. Hyperfixate on it. Think about how we want a prettier bl ade and just can’t bring ourselves to delete those pictures so we have to be careful scrolling in front of family.

I do like a few things like ‘menhera chan’ and also some of avogado6’s stuff with self h arm in it

I think this entire post kind of went off the rails with my feelings so sorry. Not that anyone has seen these posts anyways lol.

[webspinning]

🔗👀✨🤗👩🏽‍⚖️

Marrowhawk, Maestro, Mindwanderer (the M gang!)

the M&Ms !!! 🔗 Marrowhawk - She'd probably be mostly off social media but she might follow weaponsmithing / weapons in general. I think she'd have Instagram at most, but her wives probably send her most of the content she sees. Maestro - Feel like she'd be big on socials, would probably follow a lot of gossip and rumour shit, as well as other troupes/bands and maybe some bugs and fashion? Mindwanderer - Every tag and blog related to autism + things about space. She'd be a lurker though. 👀 Marrowhawk - "How to surprise wife" misspelled a shit ton of times until she gets it and recipes. Maestro - "Is kidnapping legal if the victim has no home" Mindwanderer - "How to escape 24/7 surveillance" "gay test" "am i gay quiz" "how to know if you're gay" "am i the chosen one?" ✨ Marrowhawk - Sparring, it helps her get out her emotions - usually anger - and makes her feel like she's doing something productive at the same time. Maestro - Playing her instruments. She often jokes that she writes her best pieces in moments of utter despair, and it's not entirely untrue. Though sometimes she can be heard aggressively playing the cello slightly off key when someone upsets her. Mindwanderer - She doesn't really have one, most of the things she tries to do trigger a vision and send her into a downward spiral. 🤗 Marrowhawk - Generally gives gifts. She's not a very romantic dragon, but she'll bring her wives gifts relating to things they like. One gets books and the other gets bones. She's not planning anything so far, but they all usually do something for their anniversary. Maestro - If she likes people enough she'll write an entire music piece and perform it for them, otherwise it's a "slip a coin into their hand and vanish". Normally the latter as she's never in contact with people she likes for long. Mindwanderer - She tries to just be there for people, normally just Canary. She'd love to be able to do something actually nice for them. 👩🏽‍⚖️ Marrowhawk - Some hate her for leading and planning a mild rebellion and not following the queen's orders, some hate her for being a soldier and serving the queen. There's no winning. Maestro - She's been known to bring children into her troupe under questionable circumstances. Some also think she's a witch. Mindwanderer - Nobody really "dislikes" her. The organisations leaders see her as a tool and their followers the same. To anyone else she's basically an object.

[vergess]

I have a lot of issyes with antishippers calling me insane and that my father abandoned me.

My father is schizophrenia, and the reason he lives alone is because he would freak out and argue with my mother constantly. I am glad my father got an apartment complex, but he is gotten a lot worse, and he thinks the neighbors can hear him through the walls, and he literally believes that the neighbors are trying to get him kicked out or something, and he would believe the most random things.

There have been times when I have thought my mother was calling me over, but when I asked what she needed, she would look at me like I was crazy and tell me she had not called me over. Other times, I hear voices in my head that are not mine; they would not really tell me to do anything. the voices usually just talk about random things.

I pretended to be honest with my mother, telling her that I did not hear voices in my head because I did not want her to get any more unhappy after learning that the school had withheld the information about me having autism from her for years. .

I have adhd, mild autism and stickler syndrome

My father's side of the family has schizophrenia

It upsets me a lot when antishippers call me insane, etc. because it makes me feel like I and my father's side of the family are dangerous and insane.

First of all, I am so, so sorry that people are being cruel to you about your father. That behaviour isn't okay, and it's especially bad when they are taking advantage of his mental illness to do it.

At a professional level, my job is working with schizophrenic and schizoaffective patients to help the develop adult skills, and I want to say both objectively (that is, based on the existing research) and personally, that being schizophrenic does not make you a bad or violent person. In fact, you're much more likely to be a victim of violence as a schizophrenic than to commit violence yourself.

At worst, schizophrenia makes you scared. And yeah, scared people can be mean, but they aren't evil. The major symptom of schizophrenia, the one that ruins lives, is overwhelming fear. Not a secret urge to be violent, but absolute (that is, delusional) certainty that they are in danger.

In fact, it's worth remembering that from a global perspective, the voices that schizophrenics hear are often very good influences, encouraging social well being, and trying to "intervene" in high stress situations to help keep the schizophrenic person safe. It is only when a schizophrenic person is being traumatized that their voices become cruel and vicious.

As for telling your mother that you have been hearing voices:

That is your mind. You don't have to tell anyone about anything you don't want them to know. If you ever feel safe and secure enough to tell her, then that's great! But if you keep it private from her for the rest of your life, that's fine too. Your mind is your business, no one else's.

Plenty of schizophrenic people and others with hallucinations are able to lead happy and fulfilled lives, with or without medication. It sounds based on our past conversations like you may be in a good position to continue trying to live on your own without medical intervention.

But, if you ever do have to have intervention medically, please do not panic.

I would say that most schizophrenic people can comfortably live in society with fairly little physical support as long as they have 1) enough medication to keep their voices calm and kind even under stress, 2) a safe place to live.

You are not a danger to others just because you hear voices. Your father is not a danger just because he needs support to live on his own.

You are both just people.

And next time an antishipper says that shit to you, feel free to send me the post and I will fucking tear out their asshole on your behalf.

Because, like I said at the beginning: saying shit like that is unacceptable in all circumstances.

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

honestly the first time i really began to critically question the idea of cabin pressure i had in my head (esp wrt the character of martin) was when i relistened to it late 2020-early 2021 over discord with one of my high school friends. he had been a fan of bbc sherlock in the past but got quite attached to the character of arthur throughout the listenthrough, we get through s1 and my friend gets really quiet and then he says sadly over the discord call ‘…martin’s really a dick, isn’t he’ and i was like lmao yea and then i thought about it for a while after we got off the call and really started to wonder why on earth attitudes toward martin were really… Like That when i was first getting into the show in 2016. like, if you were around then you know: he’s god’s most persecuted soldier, stronger than any us marine, he’s so victimized, poor little meow meow, cinnamon roll or whatever… i mean not to say that the fanon view of martin doesn’t persist to this day or to say that my current view of martin is The Correct One, namely that the deficits that martin is perceived to have are in his character more than in his circumstances, that his behavior does warrant a comeuppance at times, and that his autism and/or autistic traits doesn’t excuse him his early unkindness and is not disqualified by his growth and change throughout the show (also the attitude he should get a free pass from being an asshole because of his autism is…questionable at most and ableist at worst? like him being an asshole isn’t because he’s autistic. sometimes he is just being an asshole). and maybe that’s not the greatest take in the world but it has made my enjoyment of the show much deeper tbh

[ondaspectrum93]

Do you have a diagnosis of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) & love to paint/draw/sketch/collage/sculpt/collect various visually pleasing objects/create online visual media/mixed media/sing/dance/write/participate in any medium of creative expression as a means to communicate as a person with an intellectual disability? WELL I DO & YOU WILL DEFINITELY ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DO FOR I AM LEARNING TO BE PROUD OF THE BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS, CONTENT, PHOTOGRAPHY & THE PROCESS OF REPETITIONS INVOLVED IN MY TRANSFORMATIONS FROM RAW PAPER OR BLANK PIXEL SLATES TO WHICH I AMPLIFY THE BEST SENSATIONS OF COMPLETING THE SELF STARTED AND CHOSEN TASKS TO WHICH I COMPILE AND SHARE WITH MY STRANGERS WHO STUMBLE ACCORDINGLY TO MY TAGS ACROSS MY PAGE. I want to discover other humans, specifically people above the age of 18 who are either intellectually or learning disabled or co-morbid the way I am, at this point in their life, I’d love to hear about their experiences & struggles & random thoughts that pop to mind as shared along with their own thoughts about how they relate to each other’s creations… what circumstances led to this artwork being made & published & what is your name/handle/identity in your own words as the artist? I’m hoping for this page to be a place to make friends, especially even if you don’t create any art or writing or videography for yourself by yourself just yet, but plan on doing so in the first opportunity coming up with something inspiring you to go ahead and bite the bullet & stop letting people/places/things/because/but/fear driven overwhelming thoughts setting fear inside & preventing the accessible pathway from dipping your toes in the water & making a mess of mistakes bc they are so much more important to make than it is to be practiced in perfectionism’s which nobody succeeds at in this universe with or without the idiosyncrasies known to our community! This is a judgemental free space which has been made possible by the low functioning highly sensitive empath named Jacqueline Mae Gutwilik who has been going through worst heartbreak of her life post missed miscarriage12/22 & subsequent trauma caustic to her husband who is afflicted with opioid & crystal meth addiction which is now the scariest thing she is grieving on a daily basis for the past two years now (when she noticed his soul was not compatible with hers any longer for she started slowly catching up to the social cues, anxiety and pressure driven by her partner to make decisions about life that were harmful to her poor health problems in retrospect causing her Wilson Disease to deteriorate & displacing her from her comfort zone/stability by moving back to her childhood abuse/abandonment home & wound up w/o anyone b/c she had been living in an isolated domestic abusive cycle for 7 years before aware of it & her environment is NOT safe STILL to date; No matter how much she is a positive helpful, healthy, supportive to others around her, she cannot seem to make any progress or difference in her own life as per she is broken from her entire life lived trusting in the monsters who took/take advantage of her [as they victim shame her & cry wolf & dictate her life by making false reports to the police against her to try & control her or make her forced into homelessness] so she has no choice but to make her own artwork as she is doing the best she can to cope with the tremor from Wilson Disease symptoms that truly makes her feel unable to tolerate living alone in suffering while being unable to be as productive or professional or socially responsible for her own needs because she has changed exponentially from her trauma & ptsd & day to day problems that she cannot control anyone but herself & do her best to make better choices, which involves creating as much mixed/multi media prompts & writing snippets for sparking ideas for other people to join in & share their projects & play along with me, as well as hopefully find comrades with similar experiences in life through the process of learning w/their ASD diagnosis as transitioning from childhood to adulthood).

[glassprism]

Am I the only person who doesn't think RK playing the Phantom as autistic was offensive? Most of the takes I've heard are from neurotypicals and as someone who's on the spectrum and struggles daily because of it, I feel kind of alienated from the fandom and a little bit like a horrible person. I completely understand why people find the performance itself offensive, but some have really taken his statements about it in the worst faith possible.

"He definitely is not an evil person.  He is a victim of circumstance and environment.  He has been conditioned with such prejudice in his life.  I believe the Phantom to be Autistic.  I think he has a form of Aspergers Syndrome.  When the Phantom kills I truly don't believe it to be premeditated.  He's just losing control.  Again, this all stems from his social conditioning.  He's never felt a mother's love, nor his father.  He has had to become a man without being a child." -Payvand.com

Why should this make me angry? I get that RK is neurotypical, and saying that the Phantom is "just losing control" when he kills certainly lends itself to unfavorable interpretation, but he immediately follows that up by saying it's due to his "social conditioning," not that a propensity for murder is somehow a symptom of autism.

If it is commonly understood by the fandom that Erik's deformity is not the literal reason for his wrongdoings, and it was the horrible treatment he received because the world looked upon him as inhuman that led to that, why should we assume that an actor who was portraying him wouldn't apply the same idea to autism? I'm not just some rabid stan who's mad that their senpai is being attacked. RK is lightyears away from being my favorite Phantom and he honestly seems kind of douchey, but why should I jump to the worst conclusion about his reasoning?

I really get the feeling that NT people who are mad about this don't know what it's like to be autistic, and think that we can't be violent or bad people. It feels very infantilising to me. I've been told I sound dead or robotic time and time again. I've had my comfort object lost or stolen and been treated like a threat when I get upset about it. I've had my needs and concerns downplayed, even by my family members. I've had relationships fall apart completely when the other person learns what I really am. There are times when I literally don't feel human because of the way I'm perceived. I find the idea that RK relied solely on stereotypes to influence his idea of the character, frankly, insulting, because it means that I must be a stereotype.

Hello! Thank you so much for your thoughts.

First, let me just say that nobody in the fandom deserves to feel alienated because of their opinions. I've seen people who have definitely resonated with Ramin Karimloo's Phantom because he portrayed the character as autistic, and while they may not be as "big" in the fandom, they certainly exist. As with many fandom spaces, you just have to find your people, whatever that may be!

As for the rest, I actually wasn't comfortable with answering it because I am exactly that neurotypical who is mad about it. So I went to a Discord server I am in for thoughts, and one of the members there, who has autism, wrote a response which they generously gave me permission to share. I don't know if they want me to share their Tumblr handle as well, so I haven't, but if they do, I'm sure they'll reblog this so you can continue the conversation with them. Anyway, here was their message in response to your ask:

I think the most important thing to remember is that no community is a monolith. There are people who will find certain portrayals or headcanons offensive, and others who feel comforted by them, and a lot of it depends on life experience. I could say “it’s ableist to assume that autism makes people more capable of violence because it plays into harmful stereotypes,” OR “it’s ableist to act like autistic people are never violent because there are violent autistic people and they deserve representation and dignity too,” and both of these statements would be true in various ways and settings.

For me, it’s more of an issue of discussing when (and if) non-autistic people get to draw these conclusions, and under what circumstances. On one hand, it’s very hard for non-autistic actors to play autistic characters, and can also be frustrating when there ARE autistic actors who aren’t getting work. One of the other, there’s a huge difference in impact between Ramin Karimloo, who is relatively unknown outside of theatre, watching a documentary on autism (which, it’s my understanding is what he did) and saying “I think the Phantom is autistic,” and then attempting to portray it (even badly) in a long established show than, as an example, an extremely famous actor (Benedict Cumberbatch) saying, effectively, “yeah I decided Frankenstein’s Monster in this brand new play is autistic so I went to an autistic school and watched people for research. They were just, like, pissing and shitting and had no understanding of the world. Anyways it’s offensive to call Sherlock Holmes autistic because he’s intelligent and that could give false hope to the pathetic shit-slinging autistics.”

That is. Not as hyperbolic as I wish it was.

So anyways, it’s mostly like. Is what Ramin Karimloo said/did ignorant, in kind of bad taste, and arguably offensive? Yeah. Is it a valid reason for some people to feel uncomfortable about him/his take on the Phantom? Yeah. Should it get him thrown into Ableism Jail for all time? Probably not.

As far as headcanoning Erik as autistic goes. I’m autistic. I see Erik as autistic. I HIGHLY disagree with the idea that morally good characters are inherently good rep and that morally gray or bad characters are inherently bad rep. For some autistic people, seeing villains portrayed as autistic can feel othering or even triggering. I’m not (generally, with a few notable exceptions) one of those people, but I get why they feel that way, even if I don’t agree. I feel a lot of solidarity with autistic people who want to see the side of autism that is messy and difficult and yes, sometimes violent, in characters they relate to. I feel a lot of solidarity with people who don’t feel human because of their autism. As a person who is frequently told “but you don’t SEEM autistic” by people who have never seen me have a meltdown and hit my head on stuff, I absolutely understand that impulse. Even more so, I think more people need to understand that some autistic people ARE violent or otherwise considered socially unpalatable, and that those people do deserve to feel represented.

I also think that for some people, it’s kind of a defense mechanism. Ironically, the first time I ever really heard someone discuss autism it was my brother, who said, “the Phantom is probably autistic.” I asked him what that meant and he told me “being autistic means you’re a r*tarded genius,” right before he told me about Rain Man. The day I watched the episode of House M.D., where House gets told “you’re not autistic. You don’t even have Aspergers. You wish you did. It would exempt you from rules. Give you freedom. Absolve you of responsibility,” is the day I started headcanoning House as autistic. Sometimes we feel like have to hold onto it or say it first, especially with villains.

If I see an autistic person who headcanons an antagonistic character as autistic, I assume there’s something in that narrative that resonates with them. If I see a non-autistic person do it, I tend to disengage. Non autistic people doing it isn’t necessarily wrong, but it may come with an unwanted response from autistic people.

It’s like Harry Potter. My best friend is transfem (they/she pronouns) and they love Harry Potter. They don’t monetarily support JKR, but they also haven’t covered their HP tattoo. I don’t get it AT ALL. I recoil from Harry Potter. We’re both within two of the specific demographics JKR is doing the most damage to (transfems and autistic transmascs), and we have very different responses. When it comes to my friend, I don’t feel comfortable policing her relationship with that thing. On the other hand, a cis person can tell me they’re an ally all day long, but I usually disengage with cis people who hate JKR but just HAVE to go to Wizarding World, or whatever. Like maybe you’re the world’s BEST trans ally aside from that. But when you make that kind of choice, you accept the consequences and boundaries from those communities. I’m somewhat uncomfortable with Ramin Karimloo’s Phantom for that exact reason.

Ultimately what it comes down to is that autism is a spectrum, and by necessity autistic people aren’t monoliths and will have different opinions and needs. One isn’t inherently better or more important than the other, but needs still need to be met and boundaries still need to be respected, and those things can be both contradictory and necessary.

I hope that helps, and again, thank you to the person who wrote the above for their wonderful response as well.

[itsnotcurious]

The long awaited sequel of this post

They traded :)

[the-bee-graveyard]

Wait hang on

So I'm having thoughts about innocence and autistic children being seen as these perfect victims of a cruel disease that need to be coddled and protected from the big bad world vs. Autistic adults who are either villians or just irrelevant depending on who you ask.

And then I was watching one of my fave episodes of btvs "Dirty girls" and there's this misogynistic preacher dude who hates the slayers and there's this one line, "you were born dirty, born without a soul." And that made me think of how the creater of ABA therapy was quoted saying basically autistic people are soulless and not really real people and you have to shape us into people or whatever.

Honestly I don't know where this is going I'm just having big brain scrambled thoughts on autism gender and dehumanization again. Like something something innocence and purity something something only afforded to women and autistics under certain circumstances something something idk. Something infantalization and control something something.

And then there's also race to consider and how kids of colour arent really afforded "innocence" in the same way white children are.

I'm still incapable of having a coherent thought lol idk if these meds are working.

No I get what you're saying.

Young autistic (white boys specifically) children are coddled and preserved and told they are geniuses and they'll be the future. They are so so innocent and the world is out to get them.

When you're older you're abandoned by the system. When you're not a gifted kid, when you're not special anymore. When your a woman or a person of colour, you've always been abandoned by the system, they don't give a shit about you if you don't fit into their little box.

[notabled-noodle]

not sure how common this is. would appreciate thoughts.

im currently 20. before and autism diagnosis when i was younger (middle school/ high school) i used to be mean or some times be grateful for the other kids who showed more obvious traits then i. back then i was so relieved that they drew attention away from me and i could kind of "learn from their mistakes." i would step in when i felt things were going too far but that would then lead to me having to deal with people now at my throat for saying something.

after awhile i would go as far as throwing these folks under the bus and being cruel even in one v. one situations because i didn't like that they weren't "trying hard enough" like i felt i was. now that i'm older and i'm looking at these things i feel incredibly sorry and don't know how to get over this guilt.

hi!

I can’t tell you that what you did was okay, but I can tell you that what you did makes sense given the circumstances you were in. I can also tell you that autistic people are both more likely to be bullied than allistic people, and more likely to be bullies.

humans are social creatures, and you were trying to fit in whilst existing in a hostile social hierarchy. I was bullied relentlessly all the way from primary school to year ten, and it was traumatising as all hell, but… I’m not angry at anyone who bullied me besides from the top two girls in the social hierarchy. those two girls chose to make my life a living hell, everyone else was just trying not to become the new victim.

we all have things we regret. I don’t know how to get through that or over it except for the passage of time. you’ve grown up, and your regret proves that you’re becoming a better person, and that’s all that matters now. you just have to try your best to continue growing and learning, and you need to forgive yourself.

[selflessanatta]

The Heart of Evil, the Darkest of Dark, https://selflessanatta.com/the-heart-of-evil-the-darkest-of-dark/

New Post has been published on https://selflessanatta.com/the-heart-of-evil-the-darkest-of-dark/

The Heart of Evil, the Darkest of Dark

Hell is Real

Scholars, philosophers, and theologians enjoy debating the existence of Hell.

Religious people promote the idea. They believe it has utility for controlling people’s bad behavior.

People hurt each other for selfish reasons because they believe they can get away with it.

Most religions and cultures invent a Hell as a catch-all insurance policy against getting-away-with-it while you were alive, hoping perhaps this will motivate a few people to “be good” to avoid eternal damnation.

As a concept, it’s become so burdened by legalese, endless, pointless debates on dogma, and philosophical mental masturbation that it no longer has enough emotional impact to scare people straight, assuming it ever did.

But you don’t need to be religious to see that Hell exists, right now, today.

Have you ever watched true crime dramas?

Perhaps you’ve read about the Manson murders in Helter Skelter?

Manifestations of Hell abound. We see it in our nightly news.

Does anyone think the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip are living in Paradise?

Perhaps some astute commenter can share their victim narrative that justifies atrocities like that. It would reveal exactly how and why evil manifests.

See: How to Stop Violence in the Middle East

Wherever you see evil, Hell is manifest for the victims.

Of course, this doesn’t fit our religious sensibilities about hell; mostly, we see hapless victims being crushed under the jackboot of avarice, invisibly due to apathy and stone-cold indifference.

In many ways, that makes it worse. The evil that men do isn’t confined to those who deserve it.

Evil Lurks Inside Each of Us

When most people observe manifest evil in the world, they solace themselves with the delusion that says:

I would never do that.

It’s a comforting lie.

One that allows us to keep our self-image of a good person, Saintly even, for those with delusions of righteousness.

I’ve peered into the evil in my own heart.

I looked at my life circumstances and asked myself, “How bad could bad get?”

The answer is below.

Before you pat yourself on the back and think you are better than me, or that you are incapable of such terrible thoughts, please consider this:

YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF!

If you don’t face the evil in your own heart, you will never be a force for good in the world.

Trigger Alert

Here is where everything gets difficult.

Really difficult.

What you are about to read will tear at your heart.

Brace yourself for pain, evil, the darkest of Dark.

Absorb this next section with an open heart, and you earn an A+ in Compassion.

You’ve been trigger warned.

1 in 10,000

My son is diagnosed with autism.

I once sat in an Individualized Education Program meeting where I was given a report detailing my son’s cognitive ability.

It was measured as less than the <0.01% percentile.

Let that sink in.

If you are a parent with aspirations for your child, you should feel that one easily.

I felt the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe consume my soul in that moment.

There was little pleasure in it.

In fact, I recall no pleasure at all.

Have you ever experienced 100% pain in every fiber of your Being?

It sucks.

Hard.

My son and I were the test subject for a cruel joke of an evil demon.

I was pissed off, and I wanted to do something about this mistake.

The Evil Demon

I chose to enter the black hole to confront the Evil Demon:

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SEND ME A FUCKED-UP KID LIKE THAT?

I was decidedly unhappy.

The demon embraced his experiment with enthusiasm.

He felt my Qi transfer to him, sucking my life force for his consumption, like an emotional parasite, but worse.

Because he felt my presence an unexpected bonus, he told me what he did, believing it would be more painful that way — tastier, nourishing for him, but never fulfilling; that’s the demon’s paradox.

The evil of his intentions absorbed my anger and strengthened it. He was feeding on me.

Experiments to Maximize Suffering

He said,

“I created two Beings. I took the allocation of smarts for both of you, and for the lulz, I gave you all of it and left none for him.

Both conditions are rife with suffering, so both lives should generate enormous pain and rejection of life itself.

You will become a prideful and arrogant prick, in case you didn’t already notice that, and he will be toxically shamed believing his life isn’t worth living at all.

I have high hopes that you will turn completely evil.

I knew you would completely surrender life to me in a firestorm of anger and hate, and your Qi would feed me.

How do you feel about that?”

I was triggered.

The angry tirade of expletives from my anger and hatred burst forth, raging with intense searing fire.

That motherfucker was going to die, and I was going to kill him.

I was going to crush his soul — make him pay for doing this to ME.

I felt my Selfish Desire rise up, infused with heat and hate, and flood my Qi with power.

I took action.

I directed this fury toward him in a ferocious energy beam that would have melted an ice giant.

He absorbed my initial volley and laughed.

The Choice

He said,

That’s not good enough. I want more. Let me give you a choice.

I would prefer you live to continue to torturing yourself and your son.

You probably didn’t realize this, but when he looks at you, hoping to feel love, connection and warmth, instead he sees contempt in your eyes, it sends him the message he’s broken, defective, a complete reject unworthy of Life.

The world would be better off if he were gone.

It’s toxic shame, the worst, most painful sense of personal disgust imaginable.

He feels lower than low when you do that, and you do it hundreds of times a day.

Every day.

Day in, day out.

Torture, and toxic, searing pain.

I love it!

I absorb that pain, revel in it. It’s bliss, on steroids. And what’s better, the more you do it, the stronger I get, and the pain gets worse and worse.

The Power and the Glory are Mine!!!

Ahhh. That felt wonderful, just thinking about it, but I said I would offer you a choice, so here it is:

If you want, I can destroy your son, make it like he was never born. I can extinguish him from existence if you like. I can even remove the memories so it never even happened.

It would end your pain. That’s what you want, right?

That’s why you’re here!

With him gone, you won’t have anything to disturb your mind.

You will be able to leave this place in peace and have the life you were previously entitled to — you know, 2.4 kids and all.

What is your choice?

I thought about that.

In my angry state, it wasn’t a difficult choice.

Is my personal happiness more important than my son’s life?

I chose.

It was the right choice for ME.

I said, “Fuck yeah, take away this pain. Erase his defective ass and hit the fucking reset button.”

The demon dutifully complied, and my son, and everything he represents was gone.

The demon paused, and looked at me, and asked, “How do you feel?”

I checked my feelings and noted, “Good. Relieved, my burden is gone. Thank you.”

He said,

Congratulations! You just committed cold-blooded murder!

And you chose it!

You wanted him to die — and you got your wish.

Your heart is twisted with Selfish Desire, and you harnessed it to commit an egregious, unforgivable act.

You‘ve proven you’re an able apprentice.

I said, “Why can I still remember? You said you would erase the memories.”

He replied, “I erased everyone else’s memory of him, so he has no existence outside of your mind.

But I can’t remove the heart stain of Your Choices entirely, so you must live with it.”

I said, “If I’d known that was the deal, I wouldn’t have made that choice.”

He laughed,

You can’t lie to me. You would have made the same choice either way.

You’re just upset that your desires weren’t satiated.

And why would you trust a demon anyway?

Pray I don’t alter the deal further.

Feeling the betrayal, I exploded again.

This time, he was going down!

My adrenals opened, and every fiber of my being rose up for one final assault.

One decisive battle.

I sustained this hatred, beaming it intensely at him, channeling all my frustrations and waves of anger until it reached a fever pitch, and I could no longer do battle.

My Qi ran out.

He won.

He glowed with a red aura while he absorbed my Qi, bathing in it, reveling in the power I surrendered to him.

As I lay there spent, in crushed defeat, I thought, perhaps, it was over.

And end to suffering.

But no.

Then he gives me one more fact to chew on:

I’m trapped in Saṃsāra.

I need to go back and do it all over again in my next life.

And the next one, and the next one.

Endlessly.

Now, my failure was complete.

Hell is Inside, not Outside

When my heart felt the Evil Demon, I sensed his hotline to Hell.

In that moment, I realized Hell need not be a physical location.

True Hell — the worst place to exist — lies buried in the deepest region of the human heart, and you need not wait for death to experience it.

Cruelty of the Demon

Cruelty is an advanced achievement on the Dark path, synthesizing indifference (absence of love) and malice (evil intention).

I find the feeling so painful, so toxic, I know it only to know it; I never linger there.

I hope you don’t see it in your heart.

Evil lurks in the shadows.

Scrolls of the Dark Arts for Scholars

Dark Arts Instruction Manuals:

One: The Prince, by Niccolò Machiavelli. Amoral statecraft.

Two: The Art of War, by Sun Tzu, Statecraft and organized violence.

Three: The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene, who probably thought this was good literature.

Read them for knowledge, not instruction.

Unless you read them as a “What-Not-to-Do-Manual.” Then, they become virtuous.

Funny how that works.

I don’t want to leave you feeling down and dark.

Relax a moment with this video. You will feel better.

~~wink~~

Anatta

[moibakadesu]

Same anon as before (make a nickname for me if you see it be), sorry to reply in your box and not in repost, im just nervous 😭

Honestly, I genuinely think some of Harukas behaviour stems from his neglectful mother and not just his autism. He very clearly shows skills that are typical for his age and some people act like he can't read or write at all. He's not stupid. He's delayed, mostly bc of a lack of a support system as a kid.

I believe that like many childhood neglect victims he's mentally trapped, where he has the capability of maturity but doesn't act that way in an effort to preserve his innocence, (also why I think he's lying a bit about his age).

Now, to my favourite thing to talk about, his bpd symptoms. I could go on but I'll mention the most prominent ones, aka his abandonment issues and his fp like relationship with Muu. I see so many fucking ppl calling him a yandere and shit and it's just annoying bc that term inherently demonises individuals w bpd as it's literally an ableist stereotype.

Alr sorry for rambling!! I doubt this is even coherent, all three topics are things I've went through/have btw

Okay bye bye :>

No worries "based Haruka anon", I do understand. And I absolutely agree, honestly Haruka's mother/his parents are the true culprits of his case in my eyes, because nothing of this would have happened if Haruka would have gotten the proper support and treatment that he needed. I think that is why my heart hurts for him so much, he really is a victim of his circumstances. Also so much agreed on the thing about people acting as if he is stupid ... that is another incredibly ableist thing. He needs a bit more time and help compared to a neurotypical person and that's about it. I'm also on the same boat when it comes to his age, I think for him it is a mix of actually having lost track (I highly doubt his birthdays got celebrated at home) and him just picking an age where you are usually not yet perceived as a full fledged adult. I can easily see him being 19 or maybe in his early twenties already. And I also thought about BPD Haruka before. I am always torn between DPD and BPD when it comes to him, because both could work for him well in the way he gets attached to people and acts to keep these connections intact. I myself don't have either of these, but I had multiple partners with BPD, so I'm not unfamiliar with it. I do have to say in my eyes his connection with Muu and her most likely NPD is still a match made in hell and I hope it will not go in t3, because it isn't good for either of them. Not to unbox too much personal trauma, but having gotten out of a codependency myself about half a year ago their case reallly hits a nerve, because I see a lot of things reflected in there.

[dionysus-philosophy]

I'm basically screaming out to the void on this one. This is technically a vent where I accept criticisms and advice.

TW/CW: Mentions of abuse, violence, manipulation, general relationship conflict, mentions of suicide attempt and suicide in general, self harm, slurs, overdose, threats, mentions of ejaculation, sexual topics and acts, substance abuse, mild cussing, generally triggering content

Tags have been added to for those looking to block certain tags

Do not read if any of these topics trigger you!

My partner and I are polyamorous and we have been together for over 5 years. I have no partners (by choice because Im focusing on my self-growth) at the moment, and my partner has a few. One of them lives with us. It started under weird circumstances last summer that led to us inviting him to come live with us because he lived in a homeless shelter and was getting aggressive with other people. Whether you believe in the metaphysical or not, I have always had a tried and true intuition that was telling me that maybe we shouldn't allow him to live with us, but I can't argue that he shouldn't have housing because of a gut feeling (even though it's never incorrect), and leaving a fellow trans person on the streets left a bad taste in my mouth, so I allowed it.

Little run down of this person: he has a laundry list of conditions, including but not limited to BPD, bipolar disorder, kleptomania, autism, hallucinations, etc. He acts like a 15 year old at 21 and can never handle conflict, regardless if he's on his meds or talking with a therapist. He will also often twist whatever happened in a conflict to make himself look like the victim if he talks with a therapist or friends (only the ones we're not friends with) and they end up giving the wrong advice as a result and it just furthers the conflict. He is absolutely addicted to weed and alcohol (most times he takes them together) to the point of willing to deal with seizures to cope with shit his meds would have helped with because he developed a sensitivity to THC for a bit. I believe his addiction to weed has influenced his brain to the point of actual concern. He is a major hypocrite and knows this. He also downplays or outright denies my disabilities, what words are slurs, and what my upbringing was like. He yelled at me that spaz was not a slur when I, someone who has been called that a lot, said that it was. He is quick to use slurs in general, especially retard, despite my boundary of not saying that around me, but gets mad if I say it, despite being on the spectrum, too. He's even denied my transness because I am not so desperate to kill myself like he has been before (even though he missed the 8 horrible years of me being trans in public school with closed-minded parents where I actually almost did commit suicide because i felt alone and like i wasnt enough), am not on testosterone, and I'm generally fine being a bit more femme, even though I've said I kind of identify with the term twink to describe myself.

To make a long story short, he has repeatedly abused my partner in every possible way. My partner has risked harm to himself to try keeping this person alive because he has consistent refused to prioritize his medications in favor of testosterone (even though he has a great voice and passes well already, which is his main concern). We have kept him from cutting, from overdosing on medication, from setting himself on fire when we took the meds away, and hiding knives before he takes them and hides them for later use against us. This person has threatened violence against my partner and I, including threatening my partner with a knife (and admitting he did so to scare him, not because he actually wanted to hurt him). The ER doctor advised us to stay at a friend's house one night. This was when he sliced his hand open when trying to take back the knife he threatened my partner with, and we had to convince him to go because he refused to initially. When we honestly told the doctor that he tried to kill himself, that he was stopped, but injured himself with the knife he threatened to kill my partner with, he said they couldn't hold him unless he had intent to actually kill himself or hurt someone else while he was there, so that if he was returned home, we should stay at a friend's house. However, this person booked it when he could and then said the only way we were finding him was as a corpse. That was enough to put him in holding when he complied when found later. He does not respect the boundaries that he agreed to. The episode that resulted in a cut hand was over whether or not my partner came in me or not (weird thing to obsess over, especially when he could have asked me because he knows I don't lie and that I hate lying). And now, because I mentioned that I felt secure in myself in not needing hookups, he has completely acted out like a child. Sure, I said that, but more out of what the conversation was about and stating a fact about myself. There was no meaning behind it, and I never meant for it to come off a certain way. He first pretended like everything was fine and then bitched to my partner for hours about what i said, including using aggressive language in regards to me. And in all of the hypotheticals and past (resolved) problems he decided to bring up, he threatened violence against me, both for himself and to see how my partner would react. My partner is discouraging any violence, but refuses to take sides because this isn't his conflict and he doesn't want his partner to think that he is picking a side (because he has threatened suicide or violence if he even thinks that my partner doesn't agree with him).

I'm exhausted.

In the year I've known him, I'm seeing actual patterns of abuse, noticing that he does these things intentionally, having my own mother and friends (both with and without similar conditions) advise that he either needs to heal and do better or my partner will have to leave him for our safety. Even my partner is thinking of ending our lease early and going as far as moving to a different part of the country, if not just finding a different apartment and ending things with this person. The friends with BPD and bipolar are HORRIFIED of all the stuff they've either witnessed or heard me tell them. I wish I trusted my gut feeling more to set my foot down and I am angry every single day that my partner has to deal with this BS and there's nothing I can do to help him (at least not in a way that is actually productive). I try to be understanding of his conditions, and I know that especially with BPD, what looks like manipulation and abuse are often just trauma responses that they need help managing, but it's becoming too much. I'm tired of the abuse, the lying, the manipulation. I'm so fucking tired. My partner put himself in massive amounts of debt to find a better place after getting screwed over by a different landlord and has never asked this person for any repayment. He has even offered to pay for this person's entire trip back to his original state to stay with a friend because he will often act like he's breaking up with my partner, but when my partner does everything to try and accommodate his feelings and take on every moving cost to keep him from attempting suicide once he's settled, he'll turn it around and act as if my partner is trying to break up with him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm done with the mind games, I'm tired of seeing my partner be spent to his last thread trying to help this person only for all our efforts to be in vain because he cannot do the bare minimum when we give him so many opportunities to go to therapy, get back on his meds, and better cope with his conditions. I try to remind myself that when he is doing these things, it's not what he truly thinks or wants to do, but we can't keep doing this especially when he has admitted to doing abusive things intentionally, and my partner refuses to prioritize his well-being. All abuse resources often give advice relating to "average" people and none for when a person's mental problems are worse than just depression. Does anyone know what to do? I'm at my wits end here, and I'm genuinely lost.