#voluntarily being perceived

[rendoas]

New collar from BCDC arrived! Clara Belle is a big fan of the box it came in.

[pinkhysteria]

"dni if you *thing that applies to me*" - "i hate people who *thing that applies to me*" - "*endless posts and/or tweets vaguing thing that i said*" ← somebody who will be following me.

[brucewaynehater101]

Tim with hannaki disease

spending his childhood choking on flowers

Barely able to breathe rejection after rejection

Jason is attacking him at the tower and he can’t stop coughing out flowers

when dick gives Damian Robin, Tim leaves the cave spitting out petals

imagine if he died of suffocation during the Bruce quest

Fuck. I love hanahaki disease.

Tw: death, blood, asphyxiation, fictional disease, dead body description, gore

For those of y'all unaware, it's a completely fictional disease where having unrequited love results in the person growing flowers in their chest. It's usually romantic, but I prefer the platonic versons (especially child-parent angst, holy fuck).

I've seen two types of hanahaki:

The love is actually unrequited

The person only perceives the love as being unrequited

Either way, the progression is as follows:

Person coughs up one petal

They start coughing up more and usually blood

They cough up an entire blossom

They die trying to cough up the entire flower (blossom and stem)

There are four outcomes to hanahaki disease, depending on what rules you are working with:

Love becomes requited

Person dies

They have a surgery to remove their ability to have feelings

They lose (voluntarily or not) their memories about their unrequited love

Some people play with flower meanings of the petals being coughed up. I fucking love those versions so much.

Let's get into the AU! The timeline is mine to fuck around with, so excuse any non-canon progressions.

~~~~

Tim has chronic hanahaki disease from his parents. They visit often enough to quell the worst symptoms and mitigate the damage, but they don't stick around enough (or show enough constant attention) for the petals to go away.

Janet once asked Tim if he'd like to get the surgery. Tim said no. Janet respected that choice and never asked again even though Tim was like nine at the time. It also becomes a fear of his. He wakes up in cold sweat at the phantom idea of just not being able to love anyone. It terrifies him, even if the feeling of asphyxiation is the only other option.

When Janet dies and Tim becomes Robin, he does his best to hide his condition from Bruce. It worsens, from the way Tim adores and loves the Bats, but Tim manages.

It's a rough few years, but slowly, the ice begins to melt. The Waynes show Tim more and more affection. YJ also shower him in so much care to the point that Tim has days of uninterrupted breathing.

It's a novel but welcome feeling.

Jack waking up from the coma complicates shit. His condition worsens again, but it's manageable.

Until Tim's sixteenth birthday.

The teen will never admit, but that test nearly fucking killed him. Bruce never finds out how close he was to killing his Robin, but Tim knows. He'll never forget how thorns scraped along his throat at the idea that he can't trust anyone. He'll never rid himself of the intimate knowledge of how blossoms taste in his mouth and the sickly sweet smell of blood mixed with flower petals.

Tim has to quit Robin, for his safety, health, and as a "fuck you" to Bruce, but realizes he can't keep in contact with Dick, Alfred, or Barbara without it. He can't contact his team.

He has to go back, so he does.

Tim's not sure if it's better or worse that Bruce didn't know about the hanahaki. If the man did, would he still have done the test? Due to him never showing remorse or guilt for his actions, the teen doesn't know.

The question pesters him even when his dad finds out about Robin.

It plagues him through Steph becoming Robin and dying.

It festers into his bones when, while wearing those same damn colors, he hears his father die.

That is one or many reasons "Uncle Eddie" was created.

Tim can't quite trust Bruce, but he finds himself still loving the father-like figure in his life. He finds himself forgiving him. He leans into the hair ruffles, shoulder pats, and gruff words of affection. He lets himself be loved.

Then, an undead asshole in a gleaming red bucket comes to kick Tim's ass. The teen can't help but laugh at the way his life bounces between breathing and dying at the drop of a hat.

He's just barely able to hide the flowers from both Red Hood and the Titans.

A little assassin appears, and each attack brings a petal.

Each new death hampers Tim's ability to breathe. Tim tries, but it's so fucking hard. How is he supposed to live without them?

With the ticklish scrape of petals, Tim doesn't think he's supposed to.

Bruce isn't dead. Tim knows, with every fiber of his being, that Bruce can't be dead. Tim won't survive if he is.

Even if Tim loses everything, even if these damn fucking flowers consume him, at least his death will have a purpose.

That's what he tells himself as he lies in a pool of blood beneath the stars. The sand at his back is soft in comparison to the stem piercing his throat and tongue. The sound of his choking is joined by the bubbling wheezing of Pru.

Ra's peers down at the body already set with rigor mortis. Tim's jaw is pried apart by a bouquet of yellow carnations dripping in blood.

The demon head hums at the sight, a dangerous gleam to his eyes. With the flick of a hand, two assassins grab the young detective's corpse. The other three bodies are taken as well.

Tim's eyes fling open as the teen gasps for air.

It's wrong. It's wrong. It's all wrong. He's empty.

He's surrounded in green.

Oh fuck.

For awhile, Tim just soaks in the soft expansion of his lungs. He marvels at their capability.

He can't remember a time when he's been able to breathe so easily. It's enchanting and allots the teen a giddy sort of relief.

Through the destruction of both the Spiders and the LoA, he finds himself taking small moments to just breathe. It's a simple joy he can't help but partake in.

Tim logically knows there's a price. His breaths cost him, though he doesn't know their price. He should be dead and buried within the flowers.

He is neither.

He is alive. He is free (from the petals. It takes him a little bit to become free of Ra's).

Tim brushes aside these valid and alarming concerns to focus on his goals: escape, take down Ra's, and derail whatever retaliation occurs.

So that's what Tim does. He ignores the insistent sense of wrongness and focuses on the task at hand. He coordinates his friends and family. He faces down Ra's. He gets kicked out of a window.

With a grim smile, his body goes lax and his eyes flutter shut

He's done.

When Tim springs up from unconsciousness, Steph's voice reassures him he's safe. She tells him he's in the batcave.

The tension to bleeds from his body as Damian mutters a demand. Tim's eyes dart from Robin to Batgirl to Batman (Dick) to Alfred.

That sinking feeling of wrongness returns.

Dick's eyes are trained on the teen as he asks Tim, "How did you know I'll be there to save you?"

It's obvious the man is worried. It's obvious he's so fucking glad he caught his younger brother.

The lie falls from Tim's lips as smooth as any truth, "You're my brother, Dick. You'll always be there for me."

Dick's face brightens with fond relief.

Tim watches. He observes the reactions of his older brother. He catalogs the effect of his words on the man he's admired and loved for thirteen years.

He notes all of this.

And he feels nothing.

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

thinking about haikaveh's relationship from the archon quest to a parade of providence being based upon misunderstandings and kaveh actively wanting to avoid confrontation with alhaitham, or disparaging him

and then from a parade of providence onwards, kaveh actively seeking out conversation with alhaitham, feeling comfortable enough to recount his day, drink wine and share snacks together, voluntarily studying together as they had done in the past, calling their shared house a 'home', and going out of his way to search for alhaitham just to tell him about something interesting that happened

their gradual progression has led to them becoming equal companions, and it feels so so deserving - especially with them being perceived as a unit: a unique, exceptional pair (thank you sethos)

[cripplecharacters]

what does healed scar tissue feel like? (bad burn scars, specifically) would extensive scarring affect mobility or sensations? can facial scarring affect speech clarity?

Hi, that would depend a lot on the type of burn. "Bad" isn't a category we classify those in, nor is that a good descriptor to use overall - both because, well, "bad", but also I'm just not sure what you're exactly referring to. Please use different adjectives in the future.

Generally, it depends a lot on the time that has passed; newer scars will be harder and older ones will usually soften up. My non-burn scars are raised and not as smooth when compared to the rest of my skin, for example. There's many types of scars, and a keloid will feel different from an atrophic one.

Scars absolutely affect sensation, as they almost always cause some degree of nerve damage. Nerve damage is almost random, and it could cause (not an exhaustive list by any means);

lack of sensation in general

inability to move the muscles around that area voluntarily

involuntary spasms of the muscles there

heightened sensation (e.g. perceiving light touch as pain)

incorrect feeling of temperature

being very itchy

A lot of scarring would affect mobility as well. They might cause joints to become immobile, or create contractures. Generally, physical therapy is going to help with that, but effects will always vary between people.

Facial scarring could affect speech due to the nerve damage, but it doesn't have to do that; speech therapy or its lack thereof could also be relevant here. There's not as much correlation between major scars around the mouth and speech as you might assume - as an example, here's an interview with Zaid Garcia, who has fourth degree burns on his face and speaks very clearly.

mod Sasza

[silverwhittlingknife]

OKAY SO i have been rereading dustorange's wonderful post here about Dick in an UtRH-esque scenario where he dies & then comes back to life

AND I HAVE INCOHERENT BRAINSTORMING THOUGHTS:

so first, i think Robin!Dick would be just as hurt by the discovery that Bruce has a new Robin, and brood about it - but i think the shame of having died would stop him from confronting Bruce about it the way Nightwing!Dick does in canon.

and I do NOT think that he would expect Bruce to kill anyone for him (or even be upset that he doesn't? I just don't think this would be a consideration for Dick. he's gonna be fixated on "I failed." so he'll be upset about being replaced but not about the lack of revenge. and if Bruce did take revenge, i think he'd actually feel angry and betrayed about that because it'd feel like the choice was taken away from him, a la how upset he gets when he thinks Bruce has arranged to have Zucco killed - even if he intellectually knows that Bruce wasn't deliberately undermining himbecause he didn't know Dick was gonna come back to life.)

anyway so what WOULD he do??

what comes to mind is something along the lines of "Dick obsessively keeps an eye on Batman & Robin even while telling himself that he's not"

and then - say - if it's Robin!Tim (i feel like this has to be Tim because in the world where Dick dies there is no way that Bruce is voluntarily picking a new Robin), then maybe the moment when Dick steps in is when Bruce is in danger & he's furious / critical of Tim for not protecting Bruce well enough

and i feel like that's how he'd channel the hurt feelings - it'd all be deflected under shame and obligation, and then translated into the anger of "you replaced me & yet you're failing to do the job that you're supposed to do" (which is actually about projection/self-hatred because Dick would actually be mad at himself for having died & not doing that job anymore)

and Dick wouldn't want to see Bruce at all because of the shame over dying & subconscious fear that Bruce doesn't want him back, plus every little thing that Tim does differently would drive him NUTS because it implies that maybe the way Dick did things wasn't good enough for Bruce

i'm actually kind of fascinated by this now. because i am me and i have (1) obsession i am mostly invested in the dick & tim side of it sdfsdfds

so i'm picturing Tim very stung by whatever critical things Dick said to him & tracking this mysterious vigilante down, and then Dick doesn't want to spend ANY time with him BUT he's also subconsciously desperate for news of Bruce!!! so then something something Dick starts sorta training him a la Tim's various contacts with edgy non-batman-aligned vigilantes, and Tim's very defensive about how he IS a good robin so THERE but of course he's also defensive because he's secretly worried he's not good enough.

normally i would have tim Recognize dick since recognizing dick is tim's most basic skill HOWEVER i think it would be much more fun if tim doesn't recognize him so he can give dick a speech about legacy & the first robin: "i do x and such because that's how the first robin did it so it is Objectively Correct." which Dick will find incredibly infuriating but will be unable to counter since he cannot counter with 'the 1st robin was ME'

…hmmm i do think Dick ought to be angry about SOMETHING about batman's methods/attitude just because that's more dynamic? I feel like in order to make the adaptation work, there ought to be SOME kind of argument with Bruce right before he dies that he can still be mad about, a la the garzonas fight for Jason and Bruce. unsure what though?

okay let's see: I feel like Dick's main arguments with Bruce aren't about vigilante issues per se so much as they're about working in a team - so e.g.

1) Bruce being controlling/demanding, and 2) Bruce being secretive and doing stuff behind Dick's back, and 3) Bruce not allowing Dick enough autonomy, 4) just generally a perceived lack of trust.

SO maybe whatever The Frustrating Thing that bruce was doing when dick died is a thing he's STILL doing with this new robin, and dick is getting frustrated all over again sorta on tim's behalf but mostly on his own behalf because he never got to resolve this with bruce

but anyway that way when Bruce finally spots disguised!Dick, then they can have the fight again before Bruce realizes who he is <3

[bambi-kinos]

Hopefully, this ask is a fun one! I've noticed that a lot of times you mention Paul is a bottom, and honestly, I agree 1000% per cent, but I'm curious how you came to that conclusion

For me, I feel like it was a result of tons of reading up on him, body language + his lyrics, and I think the whole control freak (misleading in a way too) part makes some fans think he's a top. Meanwhile, I sit here and think, nope, he's totally a bottom lmao

A lot of it is just wish fulfillment as a result of Paul's bus-sized ass. We're not the only ones thinking about it:

Like it would be a crime if John didn't fuck Paul in the ass. Right??? So it's easy to think "yeah Paul is a bottom" rofl.

But more seriously, I view Paul as a bottom for a number of reasons.

The first is simply how long John and Paul knew each other and how they naturally shaped each other's interests and desires. Paul may not have been that 'swishy' (i.e. effeminate) if he had never met John in the first place. It's easy to see how John and Paul's understanding of homosexuality would have shaped their presentation and the roles they took with one another. Like, in modern times two gay guys can just be Guys Being Dudes. They can both take shirtless selfies of themselves holding up fish with the 🤙 going "shaka braaahhh." In the mid 20th century this idea was not terribly widespread so even among gay people there was an impression of "well someone has to be the woman and it's not going to be me."

So I think that's a big part of it. It's impossible to know how conscious a decision this was but IMO John and Paul reached a consensus of some sort that Paul would take up the feminine role in response to John's masculine one. It's a natural (for a given value of 'natural') position for the feminine half to be the one who is penetrated. Paul, who has demonstrated a number of times his sharp awareness of homosexual activity and how society perceives it, would know this. And he took up that position anyway and kept with it, voluntarily. (And to be clear I think Paul stimulated John's butch attitude and grew that to make John more overtly masculine as well. This goes both ways.)

It's not hard to see why this happened. John is a lot more naturally traditionally masculine than Paul is, no matter what John said about being "soft velvet" and "le Oscar Wilde!!11!!1!" He's the one who got into bar fights and hammered the shit out of other men. He's the subject of a rumor about kicking Stuart in the head, not Paul. Personally I think Paul is perfectly capable of violence, even extreme violence, but he simply isn't perceived that way due to his feminine appearance. Meanwhile John is overtly aggressive and in your face about it, even when going through his druggie periods, which is simply a more traditionally masculine trait no matter how you slice it.

I guess what I'm saying is, Paul responded to and was shaped by John's personality and preferences. John likes to fuck, Paul leans more towards feminine expression, feminine = 'the one who is fucked' not necessarily 'the one who fucks.'

I don't believe they were thinking about this as teenagers (and I don't think they did anything besides circlejerking before Hamburg.) And Paul likes using his dick! However it seems obvious to me that John woke something up in Paul that would have naturally lain dormant under other circumstances. John had a habit of doing this for people, he woke them up to their higher inclinations that got them out of their boxes and I 100% believe that he nudged Paul's 'swishiness' awake and that Paul quietly used this to get out of the box other people wanted to keep him in. He was able to embrace this more fully while with Linda. For Paul, that swishiness comes packaged with a certain set of implications and to me there's no reason why he wouldn't embrace that.

That's not to say that he was completely gung-ho from the start. People who write Paul going 'wtf I'm not doing that' in response to John wanting to fuck him are writing material that feels 'real' for lack of a better word. But I also don't think it would be that hard of a sell once he got used to the idea. Really look at this gif:

John's interest in Paul's backside is overt. Paul seems surprised and a little overwhelmed in the moment but he also smiles a little in response to John checking him out. It seems to me that there's interest there, albeit tentative. In other words Paul seems okay with being the one who is piped.

It's a lot to surmise from a single gif, I know, but otoh we don't have a lot of these moments where John's feelings are overt and Paul responds to them.

In addition to all this, Paul is a curious hedonist. I think John could prevail on him to at least try it. Then I think Paul would enjoy it greatly. Anal orgasms are somewhere between clitoral and vaginal for me but anal sex is satisfying in a way that PIV isn't, and I think Paul would actively seek it out once he tried it and realized how good it is. Anal sex is extremely intimate and John paid close attention to his lovers, Paul is guaranteed a good time once John takes him to bed. And John would want to make that special for Paul especially once Paul did 'break down' and go 'alright I'll do it' as part of their kinky power game. John did like to make things sweet for Paul.

Paul has this whole thing about wanting to be John's second and not necessarily the leader. He enjoys being lead and dominated by powerful men who are at the top of their industry. Check out this quote from McCartney Legacy Vol. 1 in Chapter 26:

Paul explicitly giving in to a "strong and demanding" male after putting up a perfunctory fight that he had no intention of sticking to? What does this remind us of?

And look, Paul invites this himself very deliberately:

Paul is doing this on purpose. He shows his ass off to entice us, the viewers, into imagining his hole and putting our dicks inside said hole and inside him. Women appreciate a nice ass but lack the equipment to fuck it properly. Men do have the equipment and by 1965 Paul knows his effect on heterosexual men. He's very much dangling the fuckability of his ass as a carrot in front of everyone who wants to look. No other Beatle displays this kind of overt neediness for this specific kind of attention. Paul knows what he is doing.

Paul is a bottom. A needy and bratty bottom who enjoys being put in his place and has a thick kinky streak to be sure, but a bottom nonetheless.

The insistence that Paul is a top has always smacked of contrarianism, to me anyway lmao. It's always packaged with making fun of McLennon fanart where Paul is yassified and John is butch or with complaints that Beatle fandom is making Paul "too feminine" and John "too masculine." There's a lot I could say about it but for now I'll just leave it at this: it's usually paired with bitching that McLennon fans are having too much fun. Many are guilty of it.

John and Paul themselves acknowledged this dynamic between them in oblique ways. John, Paul, and even Yoko always imagined Paul as being a woman as well as acknowledging that Paulina would have been romantically attached to John. Paul acknowledged it with the "if I were a woman maybe I could have...." thing, Yoko said that Paul would be a "great threat" if he was a woman in her audio diary that she recorded in 1968/1969, and John also has a quote floating around about the potential that lay in Paul being a woman though I'll be damned if I can't find the stupid thing. And then there's the insulting "Lennon's Princess" nickname from Apple staff. They perceived the dynamic as well.

John and Paul, consciously or not, actively pursued this dynamic with one another. They enjoyed it and Paul voluntarily stayed in that role even during a time period where he might have been justified in going "okay we've hit the big time, no more of that!"

Just look at Paul's posture here lmao. John is shoving his erection into Paul's shoulder. Yeah he's trying to hide it but Paul is fine with it, shoulders relaxed with no tension in him at all. Paul wasn't just John's princess, John was also Paul's knight, and that comes with certain responsibilities as well as privileges.

John was overtly more stable when he had sex on tap. John and Paul actively lived together for months at a time where few people could get to them. Seems to me that Paul not only did his job but took a lot of pleasure in doing it and John reaped the benefits. Notably John didn't start falling apart until they stopped touring and his sexual access to Paul was bottlenecked. Then 1967 rolls around and John just sorta, moved in with Paul and noticeably got back on an even keel.

Many thunks are to be had my friend! Many thunks indeed and one of them is that Paul is a bottom. Not just that, an enthusiastic one that likes courting powerful and even emotionally unstable males capable of overpowering him.

Much to consider!

[transmutationisms]

What do u think is being said about food and eating in phantom thread (2017)?

eating is presented as a quintessentially physical function, which therefore makes it bothersome to reynolds: he doesn't like hearing people eat, he perceives alma's romantic dinner as an interruption of his cerebral work, his meal at the beginning of the film is specifically something he enjoys in between projects. reynolds arranges his life to serve his work, which, although revolving around other people's bodies and the fashionable presentation of them, is detached and disconnected from reynolds's own physicality. alma, on the other hand, enjoys eating, which reynolds finds crass (the noise) and she also views food as a means of connecting with other people: again, food signalling a break from the heady and contemplative world reynolds occupies when he's designing.

the first time alma poisons reynolds is a critical experience for him because the illness is a heightened version of this function of food, forcing him to experience his bodily existence in an unpleasant and uncontrollable way. sickness is both humiliating and slightly thrilling for him because of the importance he ascribes to his ordered, tidy, suppressed physical environment and existence. food introduces an element of chaos that reynolds isn't used to grappling with; the poisoning is not just an internal experience but also forces reynolds to connect with alma and his memories of his mother. this is also why it matters for the film's character study that reynolds takes the poison voluntarily in the end: although he is probably going to continue to be finicky, domineering, and single-mindedly focussed on his work, he also embraces at least momentarily the vulnerability and physical presence in the world that alma brings him, using food as a vehicle.

the use of food and eating in this way is more than incidentally reactionary; you can see this most clearly in the sequence with reynolds's hollywood-fat client (barbara rose? i forgor) who commits the mortal sin of existing in her body and then drinking at her own wedding---both, in reynolds's mind, examples of overconsumption. this sequence is annoying because it's resolved by alma parroting reynolds's position in her (literal and verbal) dressing-down of this woman. the house of woodcock cannot stand for bodily excess and pleasure (cf. alma's miserable nye party) because to reynolds, haute couture is a gruelling mental exercise existing on a cerebral plane elevated above the petty material concerns of the rest of the physical world. he is, after all, a designer and not actually a dressmaker in a labour-process sense.

[princesayumi4k]

SFW = Blue NFSW = Red

He's definitely more insecure than people see him as. Sure, he has this whole "I'm a evil villain" mentality/attitude...but he's actually quite sensitive and fearful about how others perceive him.

He has a poor diet.

He prefers cats over dogs, but would prefer bunnies over any other animal - just because he thinks he's allergic to cats.

He is fully Japanese, but isn't a very good formal speaker in the language - he mostly uses slang.

He is an amazing gamer...literally loves League of Legends with his heart.

Mommy issues mf - loves sucking your titties (if you're a girl) or just fondling them in general.

A lot of people would say the opposite, but he's a sub. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing, but still wants you to be pleasured so he lets you take control.

He doesn't have a low sex drive, which makes him a lot more horny around his s/o especially when he gets the chance. You could look at him in a certain way and he'd immediately pop a boner.

I know I said he has a poor diet, which makes his seed hard to swallow, it's more sour and salty rather than what you picture sperm to taste like.

He jerks off actually more than you would think. Sure, he's a scary villain, but he doesn't really care, he'll be laying there with you and then just pop it out and stroke it - he doesn't really care if you want to help or not.

I don't feel like he scream-moans or anything, but he's definitely a whimperer. You can lay a finger on his peen and he will let out a tiny whimper - sometimes he will jerk his body back and start shaking with a heavy breath.

In my opinion, I feel like Tomura is straight, and I'm not trying to be rude - I just feel like he prefers to be dominated by a woman.

He doesn't care if someone walks in or even teases. If someone asks if you've ever done it with him he will go straight into detail - slightly not being able to tell that what he is saying is completely tmi.

He actually doesn't like to go slow, he wants to go rough and will spit out insults and praise at the same time while you ride him or suck him off.

He doesn't like being dom often, but will voluntarily give oral. He could fall asleep if you let him.

A bad thing about him is he wants to do it anywhere and everywhere - he doesn't like quickies but if you need to pull one he doesn't mind.

He LOVES receiving hickeys, but does a sloppy job at giving them to his s/o.

The amount of dirty talk this man will give, oh my god.

Has a love/hate relationship with PDA. He doesn't want others to look at them and start shit, or look at you and imagine themselves with you, so he prefers to only sometimes flaunt you in public - he doesn't mind holding pinkies or index fingers though.

He has to wear his gloves during sex which he hates with a passion. He wants to spank you, he wants to whisper how much of a slut you are while you ride him - but his glove muffles the ass slapping and he HATES that.

He doesn't call you a lot of pet names other than dirty ones - but that's only in bed. Usually he calls you "mine", "dear", "love" and occasionally says "darling" to make you blush.

The dirty names he calls you are "slut", "bitch" and "cumslut" but he refuses to call you a whore or anything to call you nasty/dirty

Jealous Tomura is a whole different ride. He will be calm with you and once he gets jealous he will find the closest wall, bed or couch - even a counter and start making out with you, telling you to shut up. He does feel bad after though, he will just eat you out and he prefer to do it with you standing up so when you reach your high, he can watch your legs shake - and also he can smack your ass.

He isn't the best at aftercare, especially since he cries first - yes. He cries as soon as he shoots his seed inside you. But he will clean you up and kiss you once he calms down, he will even sleep with you (like actually rest) after.

He doesn't send nudes a lot, he always complains that the light is too low or he can't get the right angle, but will send a jerking off video if you ask.

He loves loves loves you with all his heart, so he will cook for you if you ask - even though he can only good pizza, noodles and mac and cheese. They are very good though.

DICK SIZE? He hates his dick size, even though it's huge for his age. A good, whopping 9.5 inches when erect, about 8.0 when flaccid.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

'Nonetheless for all your valor, I say again: "what know ye of death?" To you it may be in pain, it may be bitter and a loss—but only for a time, a little taken from abundance, unless I have been told untruth. For ye know that in dying you do not leave the world, and that you may return to life.

'Otherwise it is with us: dying we die, and we go out to no return. Death is an uttermost end, a loss irremediable. And it is abominable; for it is also a wrong that is done to us.'

i've seen takes that aegnor eventually departs from the halls after making peace with his parting from andreth, but imo it's so much more fitting that he chooses to never be reborn in aman and remains in mandos for all eternity (or at least until the end of arda marred). andreth here points out what she perceives as one of the differences between death for elves and death for men: that elves may be re-embodied and live their lives anew, while for men death is the absolute end, from which they have no chance to return. but aegnor voluntarily rejects the ability of the elves to live anew, he voluntarily refuses the chance to return, because to him life has no meaning without andreth whom he loves so deeply. in a way, his death -- being forced to leave beleriand and in doing so being forced to leave andreth forever -- is an absolute end for him

[filthforfriends]

By the way, there is an actual reason for the visceral rage you feel at the thought of cishet men perceiving Victoria.

The majority of Måneskin’s fanbase is queer & questioning young women. At live shows, that only becomes truer the closer you get to the barricade (& from the barricade, they pick people to go on stage). Vic herself is a proud queer woman. So when she’s expressing her sexuality on stage, it is for the female gaze.

The way she engages seems special because it is. We never see women being openly sexy & jubilant & authentic because of the patriarchy’s omnipresent coercion. Vic’s sexuality on stage isn’t a performance for men & we can see how much joy she gets from that freedom, especially during the finale. While the boys are simply trying to survive the stage invasion, our girl Vic is beyond thrilled to lay in a pile of other sweaty, nearly topless chicks. With a giant smile on her face she calls some dude a “fucking pig” for thinking she’s hot while everyone else screams that she prefers pussy.

Typically, WLW being sexy for other WLW quite literally involves a middle man packaging (writing, directing, editing) that content (through the male gaze). But there is nothing between Vic & the live audience. What Måneskin’s videographers capture will always be made for the female gaze, no matter how it’s curated. We don’t realize how the patriarchy taints our experiences with other women/fems until something like this captures our focus. Then it’s a struggle to pin down precisely what about it is so compelling.

Cishet men grow up in a world where everything is designed for their appreciation, to win their attention. We don’t want them to perceive Vic because they’ll treat her sexuality like performance for their consumption. If they find her fuckable, it’s because she wanted them to. If they notice her smile, it’s because she was thrilled at the prospect of this objectification. They add helpful criticisms about her appearance & behavior so she – or more accurately, it – can be better desirable. Because why wouldn’t it want to modify itself for them? It was flirting. Fucking tease.

The male gaze makes no differentiation between the real, autonomous person & the fantasy in their heads, because Vic was never really a person to begin with. As in, she never reached the status of an entity entitled to give & withdraw consent. So why should they treat the autonomous person Victoria any different than the naked girl on its knees in their mind? Both are just objects.

The difference is that we’re attracted to Victoria as she is, as she voluntarily chooses to present herself. Decidedly unladylike, (why should she be otherwise?) bouncing & gyrating open mouthed, suggesting voyeurism. We’d never want Victoria to make herself less for us – less body, less vulgar. She retains her personhood.

So no, you’re not crazy.

[neonswitchhouse]

Pop Culture Witchcraft and the Importance of Being Cringe

Cringe has become a bit a loaded word nowadays, being at first a word to describe feelings of second-hand embarrassment, arguably from failings to impress others or to raise one's social capital. Think for example failed motorsports stunts, falling into pools with a tray full of fruity drinks or even worse; someone trying to impress a crush by molding themselves into someone they only think the other party would like via baseless assumptions. Your body recoils, seeing a dirt biker tumble down the course. Your stomach sinks, watching someone plunge into the shallow end of the water. You squirm watching someone try to convince their crush to go out with the facade they made. That I would describe as "empathetic cringe"; a reaction based on witnessing something you do not wish upon yourself like physical harm or embarrassment.

The modern definition of cringe however, is a different beast entirely.

Using the Urban Dictionary meaning as defined by user Screech McGee, "Before the internet trolls changed the meaning of this word, "cringe" was a verb used to express embarrassment or disgust. Now, this word is mostly used to define something that you dislike or do not understand. Internet trolls use this word as an insult towards people in fandoms, with bad grammar, or both combined. Trolls also use this word to describe memes on some occasions."

Doing a quick search on YouTube or Tiktok for "cringe" gives you an array of oddities to the average eye; people dressed in rainbow-colored wolf fursuits, teens expressing their love and attachment for their favorite anime character, or perhaps someone outwardly displaying behaviors considered aneurotypical. They fall outside societal norms and standards of behavior. They aren't perceived as "normal or acceptable" to the standards set by white-cis-het-able bodied-neurotypical persons and communities.

But in it, the furries, the fandom-lovers, and even the "neurospicys" are harming none. They're doing what they want.

Sounds kinda familiar doesn't it?

Lets loop around to what you're probably reading this rant for; the witchy reasons.

Witchcraft as a practice, is already an outsider to most societies, especially to those predominated shaped by Protestant Christian beliefs. It's already something outside the norms. Even back during the hey-day of reality tv shows like Wife Swap, those who weren't considered Christian or followed more "earth-based" religions and lifestyles were presented as the butt of the joke. And while witchcraft and non-Christian beliefs as a whole have becoming more popular nowadays, it's still considered something outside the norm or in the minority of persons identifying themselves as witches and pagans voluntarily.

So we're already ticking one "cringe" box according to societal norms

Chaos Magic as a whole is based on using belief as a tool or as a fuel source to workings to enact change or bring it about to oneself or to the environment around them as a whole. Hence the whole "nothing is true, everything is permitted" thing in that there's no one strict set of rules to make something work.

Pop Culture Witchcraft and Pop Culture Paganism deriving from chaos magic, while with several theories as to how it works, the crux is in "belief", in energy fueled into something or even someone.

Going off the egregoric model, egregores are formed and fed by the energy (ie: belief) fueled into them. This is where fandom comes into play. Fandom is fueled by passion, by love, by admiration, by forming community around shared likes, interests, or even dislikes. Fandoms are funnels for that collective energy, passion, creativity, etc.

And to some, pouring in so much joy, passion, fervor, and creativity can be seen as something out of their grasp of understanding; something that they're the outsider to and not the main target audience of. It's "not made for them". Therefore it's deemed as "cringe" underneath that definition.

But why deprive oneself of joy just for the approval of others?

Why force oneself to conform to arbitrary rules and norms?

As long as your joys and passions affect only yourself and do not harm others directly, why shield it from view?

To get the most out of a pop culture practice, it's good to have it based on what you're passionate about; what you're well-versed in. What gives you that fuel or belief. What brings you joy and makes you want to pursue things even further.

So be cringe, be passionate, be able to go on a dang unprompted 20minute rant about the lore to your favorite failed RPG series. Be able to show a whole dang portfolio of your self-insert smooching your favorite character on the cheek. Be absolutely, unapologetically passionate about something and see what happens. See what happens when you drop the worries of how others perceive you.

So stay safe, have fun, be cringe, be free, stay spooky.

[fallenhunnyapple]

*aims gun* you better share those Adam body dysmorphia headcannons right now

(please 🥺)

Oh no a gun is pointed at me whatever shall I do 😩

I guess I'll just have to give in to your demands 😏

Okay these are HCs I share with @fallenguitarhero

So basically, Adam is Just A Guy. He has always been Just A Guy. When his helmet is broken, you can see just how much A Guy he is, his proportions are Completely human.

Meanwhile when he has his helmet, he's a lot more fluid, his size and shape changes at will basically. He can eat and drink through his helmet. When he's in the safety of Heaven, even when Lute is maskless, he's still wearing his Helmet. Clearly he feel More Comfortable with that than with his actual face.

He's the first Human Soul in Heaven, but he's not Just a Winner, he has Angelic Powers, he can create portals, he can look into Hell at will, he has Holy Light powers. He's an Angel but he's still Human. And he Looks Human. Especially at the beginning, he was the only thing that Looks like him. All the other Angels are ethereal in their appearance, they can have multiple forms. He's just... A human with Wings. Sure his wings are Unique, but that's the only thing that's special about him. It's not Him that's special.

The Helmet gives him the ability to change his form in little ways, it separates him from being Just A Guy, his face is something Different, something he can control. There's no way his Helmet wasn't specially made with all the abilities it has. No LED masks allows you to eat and drink through it. It was made specifically to allow him to keep it on at all times.

Without the Mask, his face is More Expressive, as cartoony and silly his Mask can be, his natural face's expressions are pushed even further.* And when his Helmet is Destroyed and he's just Him, he's Smaller than he was with the Helmet on. So if that's not his Natural state, then that means he's done it On Purpose consciously or not. He feels Smaller with his Helmet gone.

And then we kinda lean into it more in our AUs, especially our Sinner AU. Adam feels so insecure without his Mask, which had been destroyed during Extermination Day, so he hates people staring or even just looking at his face. His face is the thing he's most sensitive about but he can't hide it anymore and it weighs on him. The only person he allowed to see him without his mask Voluntarily was Lute because he trusted her more than anyone. (qpr guardrock is so important to me). But piercings and tattoos etc help because it allows him to take control of his appearance

In AUs other than Sinner AU, it takes a while for Adam to be comfortable taking his helmet off around Lucifer, Lucifer hadn't seen his face since Eden. And it takes Adam quite a while before he's willing to accept that Lucifer - especially Lucifer, the one once considered to be The Most Beautiful Angel - could find him attractive.

* Edit: Forgot to add that Because of how Expressive he is naturally, the mask also helps him control how he's being perceived. He can show As Much of his true feelings as he wants, or as Little. Its literally Masking his emotions

[katakosmos]

hello primcess talk to me about rosier twins/macaulay twins parallel. and also the incest. lots and lots of incest.

you sent me this ask so casually, i imploded and wrote an essay about it. love you 🤲

so, i would like to start with pandora, because for me she is the reincarnation of camilla. i must admit that pandora started to take shape in my head after reading the secret history, so they have many similarities. what immediately struck me about camilla was her mysteriousness; because we know nothing about her except for what richard tells us, and he focuses particularly on her physical appearance.

"Being the only female in what was basically a boys’ club, must have been difficult for her. Miraculously, she didn’t compensate by becoming hard or quarrelsome. She was still a girl, a slight lovely girl who lay in bed and ate chocolates, a girl whose hair smelled like hyacinth, and whose scarves fluttered jauntily in the breeze. But strange and marvellous as she was, a wisp of silk in a forest of black wool, she was not the fragile creature one would have her seem. In many ways she was as cool and competent as Henry; tough minded, and solitary in her habits, and in many ways as aloof."

one aspect that camilla definitely has in common with pandora is her being apparently sweet, angelic and delicate. even if camilla is more often described as almost masculine (because she's very similar to her brother) it's clear that both she and those around her are well aware of her femininity. she was not the fragile creature one would have her seem. her being a woman masks her true nature (which is what, in the end, makes her part of that group, a boy's club); but, while camilla's femininity is perceived as natural and spontaneous, the femininity that pandora transmits is enormously forced.

she uses her beauty and the desire she inspires in those around her with great subtlety and cruelty. not only does her femininity change the perception others have of her and hide her true identity: she wants to appear the opposite of what she actually is. she has very long hair, she only wears skirts and dresses (no one has ever seen her in pants, except evan), she also wears makeup, smiles often and acts all sweet. and yet, she has a strong personality and a very sharp mind, even if it isn't at all evident.

another difference is that camilla seems to simply exist in the group, and she has a secondary/background role (fuck you richard). instead it's impossible to ignore the presence of pandora in the group formed by her, regulus, barty and evan. she's the center of it, the most important element: the boys would give their life for her without thinking twice. she's pampered and protected by everyone, even if the only one who completely falls into her trap is barty (a perfect richard) who sees her only as a beautiful girl to have the worst fantasies about.

her central role depends heavily on evan. he's objectively the most mysterious and interesting person in the group (a sort of henry) and, even if he voluntarily prefers to close himself off and leave the role of protagonists to his friends, he builds the group dynamics.

i can't imagine evan completely as charles, but one thing they definitely have in common is violence and the desire for obsessive control and possession over their twin. charles's anger develops as a result of bunny's murder, throughout the book he's described as mostly calm. i've already talked about it, but for me evan has been a victim of a constant need for violence all his life, and he suffocates it until he simply explodes. however, if he finds himself in stressful situations like charles, he's also unmanageable. he controls his anger as he controls every aspect of his life, including his sister (and, being so close, pandora is often a victim of his mood swings).

(speaking of mood swings, i realize i often portray evan as a horrible person, but when he's not going crazy he's honestly kind and good, especially with pandora. he loves her with all his heart, and this deep feeling often causes uncontrollable emotions like desire and possession. but caring for pandora is the most natural thing for him. like charles: he hurts camilla several times, but when she gets hurt at the lake he's so scared that he can't even help her ← thanks beth for reminding me of this).

now, one thing that certainly shines through in the incestuous relationship of the macaulay twins is coercion. it seems to us, and it's probably the truth, that camilla is forced by charles to indulge his desires. instead, i believe there was a long period in the lives of the rosier twins where they both started an incestuous relationship voluntarily. evan and pandora grew up in an almost unapproachable environment and, during their teen years, they always detached themselves from everyone. they knew romantic love, but there was no one else they could pour it on other than their own twin.

i've talked about this a bit here, but i like to think that pandora and evan hated the idea of growing up and changing. and this was a start of their twincest, the inability to accept a more detached and healthy type of relationship.

charles doesn't seem to care about the unhealthy nature of his relationship with his sister, and it's something he shares with evan. while camilla realizes it right away, pandora takes a while but there's a moment when she too realizes she wants a different life. and both of them, even if they start to please their brothers under constraint, don't suffer so much because they're forced, but because they're ashamed of it. they are ashamed of being trapped in an incestuous relationship: they are not scared of their siblings' behavior, but they are madly afraid that the people around them might know what is really going on.

despite the love they feel for their twins, both camilla and pandora eventually decide to take their lives into their own hands and run away, without looking back. and they both manage to get what they want, even if it's fleeting, temporary.

in conclusion, this is so confusing (and it's more of a comparison than a parallel). i could say so much more if only i had a copy of this book, because fun fact: when i read the secret history, i bought it and annotated it as a birthday present for one of my friends, so i don't own a single copy of that book.

if anyone reading this has anything to say or add, please share it with me 😣😣

btw: you don't know what i would do to know the story from camilla's point of view...

[tendersky]

hiii, do you have sources for the whole ao3 situation? where the volunteer didnt actually get kicked out for being pro palestine?

Sure! I'm getting all my information from the "official" sources that everyone is sharing, which is this tumblr post and this Google Doc. (I believe there's a "new year" Dreamwidth post that people also reference but I haven't read it so won't reference it).

First, a direct quote from the Tumblr post: "I left because I was horrified by the org and all of the racism they promised to work on but never ever did." -> didn't get kicked out, suspended, or anything from AO3, the user (Bjorn) voluntarily left the organization.

The rest of the screenshots from the Google doc are from a Slack channel you have to opt into about I/P, which is a place you are most likely to find Zionists.

I'll break down the conversation here.

Here's the first included warning:

I'm writing to you on behalf of Tag Wrangling Chairs due to a few serious issues which have been brought to our attention.  A number of volunteers have approached us, either privately or through VolCom, to convey concerns regarding your behaviour in the #x-politics-society-current-events and #x-politics-israel-palestine-events Slack channels.

Our Code of Conduct,, which you agreed to in our most recent Still Willing to Wrangle, requires that all volunteers maintain a level of civility when interacting with one another.  Specifically, "We never lose sight of everyone's right to be treated with dignity, compassion and respect."

The language and tone that you have been using do not convey compassion or respect toward your fellow volunteers.  For example, you accused a fellow volunteer of defending murder and war crimes, and have referred to another as a "fucking asshole".

We understand that this is an emotionally charged situation, and that with so much death and destruction happening, it is easy to misdirect the anger and helplessness you might feel.  However, to the best of our ability, we need to assume that our fellow volunteers are well-intentioned and speaking in good faith, and not devolve to insults or name-calling.

Please understand that should we receive additional complaints or note that you have continued to violate the Code of Conduct in your treatment of other volunteers, we Chairs may step in and remove you from certain social Slack channels, either temporarily or permanently depending on the number and nature of the complaint(s).  We hope that this will not be necessary.

--> so, they're being warned for not following the Code of Conduct, which includes being civil to other people. Nothing is said about "from the river to the sea". Bjorn brings up "from the river to the sea" unprompted in their response:

Additionally, if me saying "from the river to the sea" is supposedly against the Code of Conduct and grounds for repeatedly removing me from the channel, when other people are allowed to deny genocide and defend war crimes on perceived technicalities with explicit defense from the org, I believe that reflects extremely poorly on the org as a whole. If this sentiment continues to be upheld by supervisors, that is extremely concerning. Especially since I was reported and warned for accusing someone of supporting genocide, but people are allowed to accuse me of the same thing with support from other people in the channel.

It looks like two days passed before staff responded to Bjorn, and we get this quote:

Okay. To be very clear. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion and to your beliefs, and we have zero issue with you expressing those opinions and beliefs in conversation so long as you do so while obeying both the letter and the spirit of the Code of Conduct.

Now, to the other side of this.  You have been removed from the room repeatedly within the past 24 hours for Code of Conduct violations as we told you might happen, and I am now going to go ahead and remove you from the room and ask that you do not return for one week while we discuss the room in general with the other chairs.

When we wrote to you two days ago, we specifically chose not to address your Slack status "Palestine will be free" with you even though several volunteers had mentioned to us that this phrase made them uncomfortable.  While the phrase did make some folks uncomfortable, it also wasn't obviously trying to be antagonistic.  We are not responsible for making sure everyone is comfortable all the time. It was an expression of your beliefs, and that wasn't an issue we felt was appropriate for us to address since it wasn't in and of itself a violation of the Code of Conduct.

So: Having your Slack status as "Palestine will be free" is not a violation of the Code of Conduct.

We go on with their response.

What is a violation of the Code of Conduct is that since we notified you that folks were having a hard time with your behaviour in that channel, the behaviour has gotten worse.  You've gotten into arguments repeatedly and called folks names; you've accused folks of defending murder. You've been abrasive and argumentative throughout your exchanges there.

Are you the only person who has done so? Clearly not. And you aren't the only person we've spoken to about this.  If it feels like you're being singled out, I'm very sorry for that, and you are correct that you are not the only one who has caused issues. However. We do not address the behavior of other volunteers with you the same way we do not address your behavior with them.

That said, when we let you know that others were uncomfortable, instead of discussing this with us or asking any questions, you gave us a dismissive "k", and instead began relentlessly posting articles to the room and occasionally leaving long tirades about your disgust for folks who do not agree with your specific point of view.  Within about an hour of our having spoken with you, you changed your status from "Palestine will be free" to "from the river to the sea Palestine will be free".  And this was after we let you know that you were making folks uncomfortable and specifically asked you to be more mindful of your language and not to lose sight of everyone's right to be treated with dignity, compassion, and respect.

Basically, 'we talked to you about the code of conduct violations, you continued to specifically provoke people with your Slack status, you know how it affects people'.

You have been involved in enough conversations over the last month about that particular phrase that you knew or should have known the impact it would have on other volunteers to see that in your status given its fraught and controversial history. You were also aware of the impact it would have to use it in the room, repeatedly.

We are a volunteer organization and the use of Slack is, at its core, a way for us to be able to communicate with each other more easily to do our work. The social aspects are absolutely a lovely bonus, but they are not the point. If you can not have civil exchanges in those spaces and respect your fellow volunteers enough to stop when they ask you to stop, we expect you to remove yourself from those spaces. Just as we expect of every single other volunteer on our committee.

So: removed from the specific channel for violating the Code of Conduct and deliberately provoking other people.

I also want to address another part of Bjorn's accusation, as seen in their response to staff here:

when other people are allowed to deny genocide and defend war crimes on perceived technicalities with explicit defense from the org

if there was any explicit defense from ao3 about this I would expect to see screenshots, which I don't see

We don't know if other people in the channel also got reprimanded from AO3, because Bjorn doesn't know.

I'd love to see a comprehensive investigation, possibly with undercover volunteers, into Ao3's zionism and racism. Unfortunately, I find this to be shoddy, sensationalist journalism. Something else that puts me off of this statement is that @end-otw-racism refused to promote/work with Bjorn on this because Bjorn refused to redact names from the screenshots in the Slack, opening up volunteers to potentially being doxxed. With the past CSAM attacks happening to AO3 volunteers, I find this extremely off-putting.

[aliciameade]

Darkness at Dawn - Ch. 4

Title: Darkness at Dawn Author: aliciameade Rating: M/E Pairing: Stephanie Smothers/Emily Nelson Summary: Even Bonnie & Clyde met their fate eventually.

Set five years after "Baby."

Also on AO3

Stephanie notices a shift in the way the other inmates act around and toward her after Emily lays claim to her. The intimidating shoulder-checks and glares have stopped; in fact, she’s given a wide berth when moving from point A to B.

When she returns to her cell after breakfast, meekly eaten next to Emily like the property she’s perceived to be, there’s an assortment of items on her bunk. A bar of soap and small bottles of shampoo and conditioner—all name-brands that are far better than the cheap, harsh options they’re provided. Several chocolate bars. Even a bottle of soda and a new toothbrush. She doesn’t know where it came from, but in prison, it was the equivalent of finding a bag of money. She didn’t even eat much chocolate on the outside, but after putting everything away, she settled on her bed and happily ate one. She even split it with her cellmates, who seemed to gain a level of confidence over the following days as well.

They’re protected by proxy. They’re Stephanie’s friends, and everyone knows to not mess with Emily’s girl.

It makes prison life more bearable. She still has to pretend that she’s not voluntarily following Emily around the rec yard, and she has to pretend that she’s being dragged against her will into empty cells and behind trees, and it was a particularly thrilling moment when Emily “jumped” her in the open group showers, making Stephanie get on her knees in front of everyone until Emily yelled at them to leave. She never could have predicted that prison would afford her the opportunity to act out so many fantasies, ones she didn’t even know she had until they were happening. It felt dirty and wrong, and maybe it was. It was also dangerous if they were to get caught. 

Weeks pass. She begs guards to use the phone to call her lawyer, citing her rights being violated by denying access to counsel, but they just laugh in her face or ignore her entirely.

At least she eats better now. Emily gets favorable treatment from the inmates working the kitchen, and so does she. One day, they even got to share an apple. An apple!

She’s going on eight months in when a guard shows up in her cell, cuffing her wrists and chaining her ankles to lead her, by herself, in a direction she’s never been taken before. “Where are you taking me?”

There’s no response from the guard, who jerks on the chain around her waist. He unlocks a door they eventually reach and pushes her through it. It slams closed and locks behind her.

Her attorney is sitting at a table with an empty chair waiting for her.

It’s an emotional conversation. He shares the gravity of her situation. What should happen next. What could go wrong. That once they finally get back to the USA, the process will finally begin and the time spent in prison in Greece will have been for nothing. That she and Emily will be tried separately, and that they will try to get one to implicate the other.

Stephanie would rather spend her life in prison for a murder she committed and failed to get away with, what she deserves, than let Emily be convicted of it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Four months later, she and Emily are sitting on a prisoner transport plane above the Atlantic Ocean flying west. 

They’ve been extradited to face the laundry list of charges against them. They’re charged with many of the same crimes—first-degree murder, conspiracy, forgery, insurance fraud, and money laundering. Stephanie earned the bonus charges of kidnapping for taking Nicky to Greece and perjury for lying under oath at Sean’s murder trial. Emily’s bonus charge is bigamy for marrying Stephanie without divorcing Sean.

Their cases are messy, full of twists and turns and gray areas, and it’s those gray areas that her attorney assures her will result in exoneration. Is it kidnapping when Emily agreed to it, even if Sean didn’t? How can there be bigamy if there was no legal marriage to Stephanie? The exceptions are plentiful, and she gives herself a fifty-fifty chance in front of a jury.

Emily, asleep in her seat on the other side of the aisle, armed U.S. Air Marshals between them, has repeatedly promised that it will work out, that Stephanie will be okay, and that she’ll be reunited with their boys.

Each time Emily reassures her, she grows more worried. Emily is too confident about the situation, and red flags are starting to pop up in her mind.

The flags fade into the background for a while, because she has to adjust to her new home: York Correctional Institution in Connecticut. 

Detective Summerville is there when they arrive at intake. There’s no reason for him to be, but he is and doesn’t say a word. He just sits and smiles haughtily while they’re fingerprinted and photographed.

York is a far cry from Thiva. It’s still a prison, but it’s clean, comparatively. They have uniforms, and Stephanie’s gray sweatpants and maroon T-shirt are sized appropriately. She only has one cellmate who gives Stephanie the house rules on Day One, which she makes sure to follow. The food is tolerable. Comparatively. The chaos is more organized. Her attorney arranges weekly funding of her commissary account from her assets that haven’t been frozen by the government.

She’s surrounded by convicted felons and hardened criminals with serious charges awaiting trials. Like herself, she supposes.

At her bond hearing, she’s denied release despite her plea to be allowed to care for her son and her attorney’s arguments, for all the reasons she anticipated. She’s fled the country once. She knows how to change her identity. She’s accused of first-degree murder.

Freedom is denied with the slam of a gavel.

Prison is lonely. It’s monotonous. It’s dangerous. She struggles to not become a target of others’ misdirected rage, and she’s an easy target being as small and unassuming as she is. It’s apparent to everyone that she hasn’t made a habit of being locked up, and quickly earns the nickname ‘Pumpkin’ (or ‘Punkin,’ as most pronounce it), and several women try to stake claim to her. Several terrifying close calls keep her looking over her shoulder.

Many of them lay off her once she reveals she’s there on a murder charge after persistent questioning at meal times, and that she did time in Greece. Prison knows prison, she learns, and surviving the conditions of the facilities there earns her some respect. A few more finally leave her be when she mentions her wife is locked up there, too, also on a murder charge, and that her name is Emily Nelson.

It’s how she learns Emily’s done what she does best: she’s become a dominant inmate in her block better known as Half-Nelson, and the moniker makes Stephanie laugh. She assumes Emily made quick work of whoever the leader of her block was when she arrived. She hopes she wasn’t injured in the process.

News of power transfers travels quickly, and inmates in Stephanie’s block already know who Half-Nelson is, and were perhaps even warned to stay away from Stephanie if she were to guess by the way they stopped their repeated advances on her. She wishes she’d decided to drop Emily’s name much earlier. It’s also the first time she realizes she might have a way to communicate with Emily, if other people are, if only she can figure out how.

It’s all the things she knows prison is intended to be. They claim it’s supposed to be rehabilitative and teach her a lesson, but all it’s doing is filling her with her own rage and eroding her ability to trust people.

She gets to see Miles sometimes. It had taken many phone calls, a lot of tears, and a lot of breaking down her ego to convince her mother to take him in after Stephanie had kept him from her for nearly six years, leaving her to assume both he and her daughter were dead. It took even more phone calls and meetings with her attorney to set up a new guardianship—this time through Stephanie’s legal name. But she’d managed to get him stateside and avoid the foster system.

Visitations with him are hard. She had delayed it as long as she could, foolishly holding onto a false hope that this would all disappear tomorrow and she’d be released to wrap him up in her arms and kiss the top of his head and pretend that none of this had happened.

But time proved that would not be the case, and three months into her incarceration in Connecticut, she saw her son for the first time in a year. The reunion was in front of a prison guard and her judgmental mother who’d driven him down from Albany where she had moved to when she’d retired while Stephanie had been living her new life. Miles was taller than Stephanie now. She’d missed his thirteenth birthday a few weeks earlier.

He was angry. She wasn’t able to stop crying. He wanted to know what was going on, why she was in prison, why he wasn’t able to see her for so long, and where are his other mom and his brother. When can they all go home? Why did they do this to them?

She didn’t have any good answers for him. She promised she would explain everything eventually, and begged him for patience, trust, and understanding. She knew Nicky had been returned to his father not long after her arrest. She knew Emily was in prison. And she knew, via her attorney, that Emily was fighting her own custody battle for Nicky to not lose her rights permanently.

Even if Stephanie’s mother would allow it—she never would—Miles is disallowed from talking to Emily. She’d been his mother half his life, and he wasn’t allowed to talk to her.

It broke Stephanie’s heart, and it pained her to imagine Emily’s heightened isolation. At least Stephanie has her mother and Miles. Emily’s mother had been suffering from dementia for years, and Stephanie’s not sure if she’s still alive; even if she was, she knows Emily would want nothing to do with her. Stephanie and the boys had become Emily’s entire life, and they’ve all been ripped apart.

Unlike their incarceration in Greece, here her relationship with Emily is part of their records. Summerville made sure of it. Their permanent separation is mandated. She hasn’t seen Emily since they arrived. It’s maddening. It’s heartbreaking. She misses her wife and Nicky. She hasn’t been in control of her life for more than a year, and it feels like she was pushed out of an airplane without a parachute and she doesn’t know when she will finally hit the ground. She’s still falling.

“Smothers. Visitation.”

She has a black eye when she’s retrieved from her cell one morning. She’d carelessly reached for another inmate’s water cup, mistaking it for her own, and was promptly shown her mistake.

She checks the calendar on her wall; she doesn’t have an appointment with her attorney and Miles isn’t coming for another two weeks.

She’s shackled and led to the row of phone cubbies, and her blood runs cold as she sits down to find Sean Townsend waiting for her on the other side of the glass.

~*~*~*~*~*~