humansof

[lesbiankoby]

i want an au where zabuza joins the akatsuki. haku is or isnt there depending on whether he died in wave

unfortunately zabuza would eat kisame alive or die trying if they were ever in the same room together like he’d get recruited they’d spot each other across the room and the part of zabuzas brain that hates bootlickers will activate beyond his control like he’ll just start stabbing

[tozettastone]

So… akatsuki ranked by hugging capabilities when?

Okay. That's a good one. I'll answer that one.

--

10. Zetsu

Zetsu doesn't know what's happening and he might digest you. I would say he does not have hugging capabilities.

9. Kakuzu

Absolutely not. This man trusted someone one time to try it out and he has looked upon that moment with profound regret ever since. He does not do well with physical affection.

Do not hug Kakuzu. Do not make physical contact with Kakuzu. Honestly, if at all possible, do not even make eye contact with Kakuzu.

8. Konan

Konan is as distant as a statue until she has committed herself to a goal. She disdains most social bonds, and I don't think she hugs often even among people she regards as close. I think she is wary of obligation because she takes obligations very seriously. If someone takes comfort from her, what will they want next?

She will offer an arm to Nagato on a bad day, but he usually refuses anyway. Extremely low hugging capabilities.

7. Nagato

Nagato would certainly benefit from hugging but I see no indication that his hugging capabilities are especially developed. Besides, he's kind of immobilised, and the animated corpses he's piloting aren't exactly comfortable participants.

I think he and Konan were both much, much better at this before Yahiko's death. Very low hugging capabilities.

6. Tobi

Tobi is absolutely 100% capable of hugging properly. He scores highly in hugging capability. Technically. But, one, I think you will not be very good at actually landing a hug on this man. And, two, if you do, he's dissociating because he can't confront other people's positive regard for him, and your body is so much meat to him.

On the balance of probabilities, this is more likely safe to attempt than not. Tobi is more amused by making fun of people than killing them for touching him. But I just don't think hugging Tobi is, like, very productive.

5. Sasori

This one's interesting, because Sasori has actually practiced hugging — with his parents' corpses, right? As with all skills, practice helps you perform better! But I don't think Sasori has a very good relationship with his own body and I don't think he views other people as particularly more agential than the dead bodies.

So I'm ranking him somewhere in the middle: no natural hugging gifts, some practice, very little inclination to participate. Don't hug Sasori, because if you get that close at all, something is already very wrong.

4. Deidara

Deidara appears to be among the most socially normative of this cohort. I imagine he has, at some point, had at least one affectionate kohai among the Rock ninja he left behind. However, as an adult (uh, as a... teen over the age of ninja majority, anyway) Deidara appears highly suspicious of people attempting to initiate contact with him.

Moderate hugging capabilities, but if he thinks you're tricking him or you're being too familiar for the strictly defined relationship category you occupy in Deidara's head, you're going to be rebuffed. It won't be fatal... the first time.

3. Hidan

Hidan is an athletic guy who's used to feeling what other people are feeling and getting up close and personal with their physical experiences of their bodies. I really think Hidan is among the better huggers in this cohort. Capabilities genuinely pretty strong.

That said, hugging Hidan is a gamble. Either you get a bone-creaking squeeze from someone who is tall, warm, and has absolutely no issues with physical contact, or you end up dead. You would be rolling the dice on this one. Remember: eventually, the house always wins.

2. Kisame

Kisame does not have a lot of practice at exercising his hugging capabilities. Most people don't look at a giant shark man with a face full of razor sharp teeth and a sword as big as a teenager and think, 'ah, yes, a perfect source of physical affection.'

But I think as long as you don't startle him with any sudden movements he will respond to being hugged by very carefully lowering his arm over his hugging buddy's shoulders. It's weird but he's not mad. Pretty safe option.

1. Itachi

Itachi is not great at hugging but people who receive Itachi hugs are so impressed that they hardly notice. Also, it's pretty safe to hug Itachi: the worst outcome is that you discover you're hugging an illusion and feel mildly humiliated while everyone is impressed you even attempted such a feat.

He ranks this highly because I sincerely believe that as a big brother, he has attempted to hug at least one other (live) human being before. Sasuke might not have been old enough to remember it, but he's done it successfully and nobody died.

[theheirofthesharingan]

Hi, please feel free to ignore this if you don't care about power scaling

About the Itachi VS Sasuke fight when itachi died, was itachi really holding back against his little brother like Obito said? We know he was blind but was he really sick and dying?? Because I don't know if we should just believe what obito said I'm still unsure, I mean Itachi looked like he was giving it his all he even used Susano so, can you please clarify this for me if you know? I feel like you'll be the best judge since you love both brothers and know a lot about them. What actually was going on during that fight? Thanks in advance!

Don't worry, it's not a question about powerscaling. Itachi was sick and it was hinted before Sasuke vs Itachi happened as well. But before Obito says something, we see Zetsu commenting on Itachi not giving his best already. According to Zetsu, Itachi was stronger than what he put up with Sasuke. And there must have been something that had slowed him down before the battle began.

Then Obito tells us Itachi was sick and had been alive on the medicines.

Whether Itachi was or was not on medicines, Obito might not be aware of that. He must have observed that Itachi wasn't doing well and assumed Itachi was taking medicines to keep himself alive.

In the chapter 353, Itachi and Kisame go to hunt down the Four Tails Jinchuriki, and instead of Itachi, Kisame battles and captures Rōshi. Kisame then says he insisted on capturing the Jinchuriki instead of letting Itachi do the work on his own.

Further in the same chapter, while it's Kisame who fought with the Jinchuriki, which would naturally leave him more tired, notice that it's Itachi who takes a seat as if walking alone, without doing anything, was exhausting for him. Kisame is the one holding the dying man. Why does Itachi need to take a rest? Simple, he wasn't doing well. And Kisame knew it, which is why, without Itachi saying anything, he decided to take a break.

When it comes to the battle with Sasuke, Itachi was sick already. The things that go on in their battle are:

Itachi and Sasuke use Genjutsu on each other. It must be a simple Genjutsu because Sasuke used the similar trick on him.

Then Itachi uses Tsukuyomi on him. Sasuke breaks free from him.

Afterwards Sasuke attacks him with the shadow shuriken technique that Itachi fails to deflect. And that makes Zetsu wonder for the first time if there's something wrong with Itachi that he wasn't able to dodge a simple attack like shuriken.

By this time, Itachi is completely crippled. He can't even see Sasuke's face properly.

Then they use katon and Itachi gets weaker than before. Sasuke has a simple Sharingan, but Itachi, due to his MS, is still more vulnerable because his eyes are not helping him anymore.

Then Sasuke uses Orochimaru's curse mark (which is a minor power booster) and Itachi uses Amaterasu. Now, that leaves Itachi even weaker. Itachi has used 3 of his major powers: Tsukuyomi, Katon, and Amaterasu. He's still standing though.

Itachi uses Amaterasu twice. Once it's when he's countering Sasuke's fireball and then when he targets Sasuke for real. It's all a lot for him.

Then Sasuke uses Kirin on him, which he obviously, deflects by his susano'o.

Once Sasuke is completely done with all his strength, Itachi finally wields his susano'o properly. And he uses Totsuka blade to seal Orochimaru as well. Afterwards, he begins to violently cough blood. It leaves Zetsu even more concerned over the matter.

He even believes something might already have been wrong with Itachi. Because Itachi is supposed to be stronger than this. Sasuke was no match for him, so what happened?

Now, Sasuke also shows similar kinds of symptoms (coughing blood) when he's overused his susanoo. But unlike Itachi, Sasuke fought longer and harder. Sasuke fought the Raikage, then the five kage too, and then Danzo. He was beyond the point of exhaustion and he'd overused his susano'o to the point he was nearly blind when he is ambushed by team 7. He feels the pain on the microscopic level.

Itachi used a veriety of powers but in a controlled manner. When I say Itachi was holding back, I don't mean he didn't use his powers fully, but that the intensity of those powers was minimized to cause the least harm, because harming Sasuke was not his intention in the battle. He was calculative about the whole thing and wanted to push him farther enough to have him use Orochimaru's chakra, so he could get rid of the curse mark.

The kind of battle Itachi and Sasuke had, if Itachi was healthy, would not have killed Itachi. It would have weakened him, have him bleed, but death would be a hard possibility. Itachi was much stronger than Sasuke and there was nothing that could kill him if he himself did not want to die.

While Obito's words leave a lot of room for obscurity, Itachi's state is hinted through his interactions with Kisame. He was ill, which is why Kisame suggested to capture the Jinchuriki on his own. While Kisame did all the work, he's carrying the nearly dying but a hefty man, along with Samehada, it's Itachi who needs to sit down and give himself a rest. The most Itachi did on that journey was walk beside Kisame and talk him out of capturing the Jinchuriki. That's all. And then, Zetsu commenting how Itachi could have done better than he did in the battle. So, something was wrong with him.

During his first appearance, he uses Tsukuyomi twice (for 72 hours and 24 hours) and then Amaterasu too. But he was either healthy at that point or his illness was in its nascent stage, so it doesn't affect him that bad. He says he'll need some rest but there's no immediate threat to his life.

So, yes, I do believe Itachi was suffering from an illness and Obito's words about him taking medicines could have been the truth or he might have been shooting an arrow in the dark. But Itachi being sick is confirmed.

[nail-art-no-jutsu]

Itachi and Kisame nail polish headcanons

Itachi

he was super on board from day one, like yes hello fellow villains, I too am a fellow villain, if this is how we aim to distinguish ourselves from other ninja, by all means

he didn't get it right from the start, but he practiced A Lot, and figured out what works and what doesn't, because painting your nails is a skill, just like making perfect eggs for your little brother

and it was only a matter of time until Itachi was able to perfect every aspect of the thing

it's an absolute mystery how it happens but his one coat lasts for ages on his nails, Itachi is the second slowest at using up a whole bottle after Kakuzu, who silently appreciates this

Deidara's reaction to Itachi's flawless mani: "being careful not to flood your cuticles is overrated, un"

he rather likes the color, it's soothing, he's glad he wasn't assigned red to match his sharingan, it would look a bit too much like blood, and he doesn't need any reminder of the blood on his hands, thank you very much shfjfsfdsfs

and it's actually a fun activity, it's challenging enough to demand complete focus even when you're good at it, Itachi learned fast that you make a mess if you let your mind wander, so it provides a small but much needed break for his overactive brain

in a better world Itachi would have liked to discover this fun little thing in a different way and maybe Sasuke would have liked to learn to do his nails too, red probably - this is a world where red means tomatoes, not blood - and he could already imagine his lil bro asking him to teach him better clean-up skills and--

oops.

that was too much polish.

sigh.

Kisame

"we all have to do what?? ... okay :D this is fine :D"

nothing wrong with it in general, but... that color, why so intense, why not a blue that matches his skin, does purple even look right on him? does anything??

so he procrastinates, acts like he forgot, or he lost his bottle, but it always reappears like magic before Kakuzu can hold him accountable lmao

as soon as Itachi realizes the truth though, that alarm goes off in his head that puts him in unstoppable mode. his mission? make Kisame understand that there's nothing wrong with how he looks

so Itachi asks Kisame to let him do his nails too. for practice. there's always more room for practice. and it's such a powerful shade of purple, it suits Kisame perfectly, it looks great on him

Kisame tries to deflect the compliment, but then Itachi shows him purple flowers by the shore, and how beautiful that looks, and, ... okay. okay.

and that's how Kisame ends up with perfectly polished fingernails and toenails that he's proud of

it's an unspoken thing, the same way that Kisame says he's tired when it's very obvious that Itachi should rest but he'll never say so himself, and it's obvious to both of them what game they're playing

it's a peaceful ritual, they talk about all kinds of things, get to know each other, read between the lines, so on, so forth, and at least for a short while they can both pretend all is well

after a while Itachi shows signs of his health worsening, and then it's Kisame's turn to practice - "if you keep doing stuff for other people, they don't get to practice doing it themselves, don't you agree, Itachi-san? :D :D" and there's no way around it, Itachi lets Kisame do his nails

by now Kisame learned what to do just by watching Itachi do it so many times, if he gets polish on Itachi's fingers he knows how to clean it up properly too so they look exactly as if Itachi had done them himself

Kisame is sure that every "mistake" Itachi ever made was just to show him how to fix it but shh that's part of the secretly taking care of each other game

after Itachi's gone Kisame doesn't really wanna talk about it, but sometimes when he thinks no one's looking he checks his mani and he's like, "yep, Itachi-san was right, this color looks great on me" and grins because what else can he do lmao, what else can he do

[evilkitten3]

Mutual, I'm lowkey obsessing over your tags about akatsuki Tsunade, can you elaborate more the basic timeline? Like how this would affect Tsunade's arc in classic and such

tbh i hadn't really thought about it lol

but.... let's say it happens during the search for tsunade arc? orochimaru and jiraiya are both gunning to get her on their side but you know what? the shark man said please. get your shit shizune we're going with these guys if you poison the little red-eyed shit on the way no judgement (kisame: maybe don't though?)

jiraiya is pissed, orochimaru is torn between being amused bc wow and being in agonizing pain bc his arms still don't work, naruto keeps trying to get her to come heal lee (and now sasuke) but she's having none of it so she just throws a file of miscellaneous notes at his head and tells him "find someone with good chakra control and pray" (sakura: omg i have good chakra control!!!!)

weirdly the member of team seven affected most by this is sasuke bc sakura has absolutely no fucking clue what she's doing at first and it takes her like an extra month to wake him up, so he needs to get back on his feet before he can decide if he wants to run off to orochimaru or not. lee is.... kinda sol, frankly. sakura works really really hard to help him out, and she's eventually able to get him to a place where he can do a few things, but by the time she's good enough to really be able to help him it's way too late. fortunately he's adapted somewhat, and being lee he's surpassed what anyone thought he'd be able to, but he's never going to be what he could've been. gaara feels terrible about this ofc but lee isn't the sort to really hold a grudge, even if pretty much everyone agrees he'd be perfectly justified in doing so. gai never forgives tsunade, though, not really.

concerning tsunade's role in the akatsuki.... the thing is, it's her own grandparents who started the whole jinchuuriki mess. and she's seen with her own two eyes what konoha did to places like amegakure; she was part of it. she doesn't like that the jinchuuriki die post extraction, so she starts looking into how to make that not happen, but if she does succeed, it isn't until after the gaara debacle, so chiyo still dies. her biggest motivation here is naruto - she doesn't agree with him, but he reminds her of nawaki, so she really doesn't want him to die if at all avoidable. she doesn't get too involved in the actual jinchuuriki capturing process tho; she's more useful patching people up after.

having said that, she doesn't fully agree with pain and konan's plan, she just can't really think of anything better. tobi tells sasuke about itachi while tsunade is patching him up, and since it's her family that led to this, she's pretty on-board with the whole "fuck this stupid baka village" thing (ofc she's been heading down that path since joining the akatsuki, so this isn't like canon!tsunade suddenly making this call; there's a couple years of character development first), so.... she's effectively on team sasuke at this point, and once he splits from the akatsuki she does as well.

iirc, post danzou, sasuke spent about eight and a half volumes just kinda adjusting mostly offscreen to his recent ert (eyeball replacement therapy), before skewering og white zetsu and fucking off to go accidentally reunite with zombitachi, but aside from decking itachi through a few trees on sight, idk how much about all that would change. immediately after, when sasuke brings back orochimaru, they have an awkward reunion, followed by yet another awkward reunion when orochimaru brings back the four dead hokage. she's both very happy to see her granddad again, but it's hard for her to tell him (and hiruzen, for that matter) that she deserted the village completely, even if she doesn't regret her decision.

now you may be wondering: weren't shizune and tonton also around? yes! but when sasuke went after danzou, they stayed behind, leading to shizune finding and managing to save konan after tobito killed her. there's a potential romance subplot there as well but i accidentally ruined it for myself by saying aloud "two girls one pig" and then regretting my whole life.

the other survival is jiraiya; he becomes hokage instead since it's either one of the sannin or one of the elders, and as much as he doesn't want the job, he really doesn't want them to have it. this in part means he can't go spying in ame himself, although he very nearly does after orochimaru's death gets reported, but instead he sends someone else. that person dies, but manages to get the information back to him (it has to be someone important to naruto, and it can't be kakashi, so maybe iruka? but idk how he'd be in espionage. maybe one of naruto's classmates did spy training offscreen? it's entirely possible with jiraiya as hokage instead of tsunade but idk). since jiraiya isn't a healer, he'd either need to be injured badly enough for danzou to be able to step in without him being able to object, or sasuke would just need to have his fight with danzou somewhere else (so the raikage's arm might survive also).

the final thing is that, unlike in canon, this version of tsunade never got naruto therapy'd, so while she does eventually get over the hemophilia somehow (maybe just existing in the relative vicinity of hidan did the trick), she never really dealt with the grief that caused her to leave konoha in the first place, so that's still very much there. however, i think maybe this could work to the story's advantage - instead of just naruto vs sasuke, it could be naruto and sakura vs sasuke and tsunade. tho in this instance sasuke really isn't alone, and isn't really trying to be by that point. it's more a battle of "do we try to fix the system from within, or do we really need to start from scratch for things to improve in any meaningful way", but ultimately the winner is the realization that four people from konoha not only shouldn't but honestly can't be the only ones making this call. if the world is going to move forward, it can't be dragged by a single person, or even two people. it's gotta be a group effort. idk if the story should go into the details of what they decide on, bc i'm definitely not politically savvy enough for something like that, or just have an open ending leaving whatever happens next up to interpretation.

(sorry this took so long lol i kept having to do things XD)

[thottyimagines]

Who in Naruto would stand on business and not text their ex or situationship back and who actually would

ABSOLUTELY texting their ex:

Naruto, which is canon, I think. I've little knowledge of Boruto, but I'm pretty sure he and Sasuke exchange carrier pigeons, like, all the time. Naruto would text an ex without any prompting, let alone texting them back.

Sakura has shockingly little self-esteem or respect or dignity when it comes to romance, and she's more than willing to entertain anyone interested in her who isn't a total uggo (re: Rock Lee and any other not-conventionally attractive suitor).

Deidara has no concept of boundaries or closure. He thinks he can just keep sending a stream of consciousness. If his ex ever texts him first, he's going to town on the diary entries sort of texts. He's opening his notes app and copying and pasting all the weird poetry he's been writing since the break up.

Sasuke, but ONLY if it's Naruto.

Kakashi wouldn't text an ex back, but if he got a text, he'd show up in person and just...see what happens.

Choji wouldn't know how to not text back, because he'd feel mean, given their shared history. It's anyone's guess as to whether or not he still has romantic intentions.

Rock Lee is texting back with pleasure. A splendid new friend out of the ruins of romance has emerged!

Hashirama and Madara. Just...just look at them.

Jiraiya, in hopes of a booty call coming out of it.

Tempted, but should pull through:

Ino would love to text back just for the drama, but has a healthy amount of self-respect. If there's no reason to reconcile, there's no reason for her to talk, she can sadly admit.

Hinata would, ordinarily, want to text back, but she might just get too stressed and her teammates could find her in time to rebuke the ex's efforts.

Similarly, Itachi has poetry at the ready to send through, but Kisame might just eat his phone to prevent the Young Adult Meltdown that would ensue.

Hidan, if his feeling are well and truly hurt enough, wouldn't text back. But...well, he might show up to their location and give Jashin a real good day.

Kurenai went years without Asuma showing his face, whilst he was running around defying his father, so she should be fine ignoring the siren song of an ex text. But then...

Oh, Neji has paragraphs upon paragraphs to send living right there in his notes app, but he shan't. He won't. He'll just send them rancid vibes whenever they encounter one another in public for life.

Not texting back:

Shikamaru hasn't the energy to entertain this. Things ended for a reason, and he shan't make himself miserable doing a back and forth in the aftermath. Blocked.

Kiba's sister won't let him text his exes back. She blocks them on his phone as soon as the break up happens. Kiba has no idea they tried to reach out.

Asuma has no interest in texting unless it's for a booty call.

Gaara is too afraid of his wounded pride unleashing the monster within, so he doesn't entertain highly emotional interactions like this.

Kakuzu is straight up tracing the text back to his ex and turning them in for bounty, no matter how meager it is.

Shino agonizes over it, but he prevails.

Tenten talks it over with Neji, who just beats up her ex for her instead.

Genma has deleted their number as soon as they stopped hooking up. Who dis?

[nardo-headcanons]

heyyy how do you think the founder era characters, and maybe some akatsuki members, would be in an road to ninja au???

omg nonnie, that is such a funny idea!

RTN!Akatsuki and Founders

I havn't watched Road To Ninja in a while, but as far as I know, the Akatsuki are like a normal mercenary group? From what I've seen, they haven't changed much personality wise, which is a bummer. this is a long post, so more under the cut! also please take these with a grain of salt lmao

Kakuzu is terrible with money. Absolutely terrible. He's the worst treasurer the Akatsuki ever had, but no one dares to take the job away from him because he still has the best connections and also he's just intimidating so they let him do his thing.

Itachi was probably a bigger player than RTN!Sasuke. He had to flee Konoha from all the unwanted fangirls and -boys. Outside of battle situations he is the goofiest man alive. Puns and everything, but very charismatic and playful. This Itachi KNOWS how good-looking he is.

Konan is a total klutz. She is very bubbly and sweet, openly showing her care for everyone in the world, but please do not let her near anything breakable EVER. She'll run up to you, be like "Hiii, reader-chan!" and fall flat on her face or trip over her own feet.

Deidara is scared of his own explosions. He's, much like Konan, very clumsy, especially with his bombs. Often had to pay Kakuzu to reattach his limbs and always jumps whenever he blows something up. Also, he will read more about the chemistry behind explosions than the actual explosions themselves.

Sasori is still a human, and he hates anything having to do with corpses, bodily fluids or organs. He's making all his puppets out of wood or other materials. Very cleanly, squeamish and emotional.

Hidan is very professional and soft-spoken outside of battle, he's trying to TALK you to death. He really likes meditating and has a soft spot for kittens and cinnamon buns. His bloody battles are an outlet for all the anger he suppresses.

Kisame is unintentionally really rude yet so gullible. He's very obsessed with his looks and considers himself a top tier guy looks-wise. Those women that rejected him in the bar? They are just scared of him because he's just too cool for them. He doesn't care about the cause of the Akatsuki and just joined them for his own selfish ambitions.

Madara has betrayed the Uchiha clan after Indra's death, by trying to be "one of the good ones". He is a loyal Konoha soldier through and through, ruthless and cold unlike his canon counterpart, who is very empathetic and loving, but instead with great charisma. He himself believes the Uchiha suffer from the "curse of hatred" and thinks all discriminatory policies against them are justified. He rarely uses his sharingan in battle.

Hashirama ruthlessly rose to power as the first Hokage, not even considering Madara as the first candidate. Unlike canon Hashirama who I think was just painfully naive, this one is fully aware of the position he is putting the Uchiha in and just. doesn't. care. Once he set all these policies in motion, he abandoned the village to go drink and gamble because being the Hokage bored him.

Tobirama watched as his brother enrolled all his policies and was disgusted with how the Uchiha were treated. He is struck with guilt for killing Izuna and steps in when the village is suddenly abandoned. He tries reforming the cruel policies his brother put in place and thanks to him, the Uchiha massacre could be avoided.

[ladykissingfish]

*at night, Deidara slowly pushing Itachi’s door open*

Deidara, softly: Uchiha? You awake?

Itachi: I’m awake. What’s wrong?

Deidara: I’m feeling really shitty, hm. Can I come sit in here with you for a while? Please?

Itachi: *pulls back his covers* Come on.

*Deidara gets into bed with Itachi*

Deidara: Here … *pulls something out of his pocket* I brought you a cookie.

*Itachi breaks the cookie in half and gives the bigger half to Deidara; the two chew quietly for a bit*

Itachi: You want to tell me what you’re feeling shitty about?

Deidara: I don’t know, hm. A lot of things. Mostly I just feel so fucking lonely, you know?  I … I really miss Sasori, I guess. Used to read to me a lot at night. Long, boring medical books mostly, but … I don’t know …

Itachi: It became part of your routine, right? Something you got used to, even if it WAS a bit boring at times. 

Deidara: *nods, and then leans against Itachi’s shoulder* Stupid, huh? He’s been dead over a year. I know I should be over it by now.

Itachi: *puts his arm around him* It’s not stupid. And there’s no set time frame for grieving for those close to you. I think as ninja, we tend to forget that. I think it’s impressive that you show such humanity.

Deidara, blushing: Yeah, yeah … but you know Danna himself would say I’m being weak. 

Itachi: Perhaps; he was always rather blunt, wasn’t he? But I’d wager that deep down, he’d actually be really flattered that you held, and still hold him in such high regard.

Deidara: Maybe, hm. It’s just … nights are the hardest. Laying in that bed in the dark and staring at the ceiling, listening to the clock tick away the hours …

Itachi: How about tonight, you stay in here with me? *fluffs up the pillow on Deidara’s side before laying down on his own* That way you won’t be alone, and guess what? I don’t have a clock.

Deidara: *smiles and lays down* True incentive if I’ve ever heard it.

Itachi: Good.

Deidara: Can I ask you something? And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I was just —

Itachi: I miss Kisame too. Sometimes I cry over how much I miss him. He was the best friend I ever had.

Deidara: Just a friend? Or —

Itachi: Just a friend. And I guess that’s something I feel guilty about; that I couldn’t give him the romance I knew he wanted.

Deidara: But why? Kisame was kind and smart and a pretty good-looking guy. So —

Itachi: It just wasn’t there. That spark, it wasn’t there. You can’t force that feeling, that stirring in your heart. It’s either there or it’s not. Falling in love, I think, is like being swept away by a strong wave. You try to fight it at first but eventually you give in and let it carry you where it may. Love —

Deidara: Oi, man … I didn’t ask you to get all philosophical with it, hm. And anyway listening to you talk has made me really sleepy. *hesitates, then leans over and kisses Itachi’s cheek* Thank you, Uchiha. You’re a good friend.

Deidara: *turns on his side; is asleep within ten minutes*

Itachi: *watches Deidara sleeping for a long time; eventually curls up as close as he can without touching him*

Deidara: *rolls over in his sleep so that he’s right next to Itachi, facing him; at his sudden nearness, Itachi’s heart sprints into a gallop*

Itachi: *puts his hand to his chest*

Itachi: Oh, no …

[uchihaxitachi]

|| Coincidences | He comes to you after battle, struck with a Yandere Ninjutsu ||

-> A/N: I am a whore for yandere and I wanted to incorporate a whole ass big writing plot for this one. I softened up :( but I had sm fun!

Itachi had decided not to bring up the topic of you and him kissing each other, after noticing that you had already forgotten about it the next day. You were so high and drunk, it was to be expected. Right now? He had only one thing in his mind, getting over this mission to capture a group of Shinobis who were supposedly plotting against the Akatsuki. It’s not their plotting that was the problem, the Akatsuki also had matters with currency which solely depended on the members and their strength. Any contract whatsoever would cause issues if the image of the 12 dangerous S-Ranked criminals was to be hampered. Something which this thug gang, as Pein called them; was triffling around with.

Itachi out of all people? Why? Itachi’s senses played back the conversation that happened in the recent gathering.

Kisame: I really don’t know where Itachi has been these days, almost disappeared.

Itachi: I do not think I must keep you informed of my whereabouts, or the Akatsuki.

Hidan: Right? I totally agree, imagine me fucking a woman and then writing and updating about it to the leader.

Sasori: Can you shut up?

Pein: Silence! I am not here to interfere with anything. We can might as well leave them be. I just don’t want any nuisance that’s all. If anyone wants to willingly take care of this, they can. Else I will.

Itachi: I will.

Why? Because it was simple, taking care of them would prove that he gave a fuck about the organization, granting him more freedom to operate freely and less annoyance on his whereabouts and what he does otherwise.

Itachi just wanted to protect you, a civilian who’s life revolved around the most normalcy he has seen in his life years so far as a Shinobi.

The fight? Pretty easy. Struck them with his genjutsu and tortured them in the Tsukuyomi for what felt like an eternity. It was the very last member, someone who remained hidden while Itachi’s jutsu took focus, and attacked him with a poisoned potion laced knife. Itachi— had been taking various types of poisons everyday, little by little amounts. The evasion from the attack was easy, what was not easy was the scorching pain it landed him in.

After teaching them a lesson, making them traumatized for life as if it meant nothing, Itachi dragged himself out. All he had was some pain, he knew he couldn’t die from this. This was just— a scratch.

What would you have been doing right now?

A scratch that might- make him see hallucinations?

What if you needed him?

Still, just a scratch.

What if you missed Itachi so much?

Nothing too big, he will take care of it.

What if you remembered the kiss?

Pouring rain came onto Itachi, drenched in two things— love and sickness for you. A longing for you he couldn’t seem to satiate no matter how hard he could try. An uncanny and bizzare appeal to protect you burning.

Itachi had never acted out of place once, in the times you’ve interacted with him. Hell he was your safe space for the sake of it. Today? Itachi had knocked your door at 2 am. You weren’t asleep because you sleep late, but a pang of anxiety curled in your stomach as you mumbled, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me.” The quiet, sublime voice of the Uchiha greeted you.

“Itachi? You—” you rushed outside, immediately pulling the door open and glancing at him, drenched in the thunderstorm and eyes glinting happiness when he saw you. This time, Itachi initiated a hug. For the first time ever, the Uchiha’s hands snaked around your waist, catching you off-guard as he tugged you close, letting you collide against his chest. A soft gasp escaped you, unknown to his behavior, you looked up, smiling and bursting into a giggle. “Great, now we’re both fuckin’ drenched.”

Itachi smiled back, kissing your forehead as you widened your eyes, trying to register what in the actual fuck was happening before he let himself inside, taking his cloak off. You had seen Itachi naked, you had nursed him back to health— but still, the clothing stuck against his skin made you feel, weird in the best day.

“I’m going to take a shower, Y/N.” Itachi humbly spoke, paving his way to your bathroom. “Y-yeah.” You blinked, still getting used to what was happening. “Yeah- sure.”

You went into your bedroom to change as well, coming back to cook some soup and some ramen, filled with veggies. You were unsure if Itachi had properly eaten after all. “I can smell the aroma.” Itachi walked out, using the towel to dry his long hair, eyes darting towards your form in a carnal way. Itachi liked making eye contact but never— ever, this intense.

“Yes, wasn’t sure if you had eaten, Uchiha.” You smiled, tapping the wooden surface of the table to usher him closer. Itachi took the hint and sat beside you, breaking the chopsticks and digging into the first bite. “No wonder your business runs so well, my dear.”

My dear.

Itachi— was warm, dangerously warm with his tone. You had never heard him talk like this. “Thank you.” A flush ran through the apples of your cheek.

“How has it been for you? It’s been quite a while.” Itachi asked the next question.

“Uh, you know? The usual. Nothing much, no trouble as such.”

You were vague, as always. This time, Itachi pressed harder. “So nothing significant, huh?”

“Nope, oh yeah- there was this friend I met after a long time. The one crushin’ over me since High School.”

Nope- nope- nope- should not have shared this.

“A friend? Do I happen to have heard his name?” Itachi raised a brow, sounding ever so natural. “Ah nope, you don’t know him actually. It was good though, we spent some time. Reminiscing over old memories.”

What did you mean memories? What was so memorable about someone liking you? Does the man have a death wish?

“I see, happy that the person you met. Unknown to me, and you still haven’t told me the name of— made you feel better.”

You looked at Itachi and blinked, “Well his name is Kyosuke.” You rolled your eyes, “Don’t have to be so petty, Itachi.”

Itachi wasn’t being petty. Itachi was being careful. He didn’t want you to feel scared of him. Didn’t want to burden or scar you. Part of him, the hyper self aware part of him knew that something is wrong with him right now. “Good night.” Itachi got up, leaving half of the food and walking away.

“Itachi it’s still pouring outside, stay in.” Of course he will. He just wanted you to want him to do so.

“I know, I will sleep outside. Please feel free to go inside Y/N.” He smiled, flicking your forehead and making sure you don’t suspect a thing.

How could you really? He was not the master of deception for nothing. Worse bit of it all? When the next day you heard the terrible news of Kyosuke dying via suicide. How naive— if only you understood the depth of Itachi’s abilities to understand the carefully orchestrated murder he did. Why else would a normal guy commit suicide by gauging his eyes out, the same eyes through which he saw you as a potential partner?

Itachi is happy to hug you. Let you sob and cry in his arms while he tells you it’s going to be alright. Maybe even feel guilt enough when the jutsu fades… but then again, Itachi was never someone to shy away from murdering people. Maybe the jutsu brought the real, carnal, dangerous self on the surface, something that had been long dormant.

[hauntedhokage]

Bonded

Itachi Uchiha/F!Reader

summary: every problem has a solution. your anger at his lack of consideration for your emotional needs is solved with sex. that’s totally how it works. 

patching up masterlist

word count: 3.4k

note: we’re sliding into shippuden territory now :) and more fluff-angst roller-coaster now :) 

warnings: penetrative sex, unprotected sex,

“Your husband has been kinda annoying lately,” Kisame comments as he walks through the village with you, and you look up at the much taller man with interest as you process the title that had been bestowed upon your lover. Husband? Last you checked you hadn’t taken Uchiha as a surname nor had Itachi asked if you would, so where did Kisame get that you were married?

“Since when are we married?”

“You basically are at this point. Calling him your boyfriend feels too juvenile, and it’s been like a year? Two years? Might as well be married.” The reasoning is interesting, but you aren’t going to argue with a swordsman who has made up his mind. Kisame could be more stubborn than Itachi depending on the topic, and you could tell this would be one of those topics even if it felt odd that he cared so much. “How long has it been anyway?”

“Almost four years since I left, and a little over two since Itachi and I discussed our feelings.”

“And he basically moved in with you.”

“Is there a point you’re trying to make with this, Kisame?”

“He doesn’t seem different to you these days? You’d notice easily, I’m sure.” 

“No, he seems like he always does. What are you noticing?”

“He feels colder to me. Not that he’s a ray of sunshine normally, but he’s been off. Distant.”

That was concerning. He had been a bit standoffish this morning, but you assumed that he was just tired and went about your morning. Everything else had seemed to be normal, maybe he was trying to keep you from worrying. He did tend to protect your feelings more than was probably wise, given the overall situation that was your life together. 

“I’ll keep an eye on him. You know how he is, though.”

“Yeah, but I know he talks to you more.”

That was fair. Your relationship with him was different from the relationship he had with Kisame (who you would argue was Itachi’s first wife). More emotionally open, which was to be expected considering the nature of your relationship, so Itachi was more likely to talk to you than to anyone else if something was bothering him. But there was a need to protect you that Itachi had; not from hard inevitable truths but from the things that your lover felt weren’t for you to concern yourself with.

“I’ll see what I can figure out. No promises on intel, though.”

“I just don't want to deal with him moping around during our next mission. It’ll be a longer one.” 

“You guys got new orders?”

“He didn’t tell you? We leave tomorrow, a couple months out there looking for one of the tailed beasts.”

You were going to kill him, how could he not tell you he’d be leaving for so long? It’s with that new information that you leave Kisame, letting him know that he might need a new partner sooner than anticipated as you turn down the side street that would get you home faster. You didn’t care that you’d left your umbrella in Kisame’s hand, didn’t care about the cold rain, you needed to yell at Itachi for not telling you something so important. 

“Why didn’t you tell me!?” is the first thing out of your mouth when you make it home, not bothering to look at your lover as he watches you from the kitchen. “I have to find out from Kisame that you’re leaving tomorrow and that you’ll be gone for months? What the hell were you thi-” 

You’re stopped mid-sentence when you turn, receiving two fingers gently jabbing your forehead and stopping you in your tracks. You hated how light on his feet Itachi could be, and how he always snuck up on you so easily since his chakra signature could easily overwhelm your senses when you were in close proximity that you couldn’t register how close he actually was. You also hated that two fingers to your forehead would always stop you in your tracks - that wasn’t fair. 

“I was going to tell you this morning,” he states, removing his fingers from your forehead and gently resting them against your bottom lip. “Then we got distracted, then you had plans with Kisame and I wanted to make sure you still went. It’ll be a longer mission than usual; but I’ll be coming home to you, so I didn’t think it was too big of a deal when I told you - just as long as I did. Have I not been gone longer?”

You don’t respond, not a huge fan of how effectively he silenced you with just two fingers and hating that he had a point. But you weren’t lovers on borrowed time when he’d been gone for eight months, you weren’t used to waking up beside him the last time he’d been gone for so long. He was a massive part of your life now, did he not think you’d feel this more deeply after everything you’d done together? 

“I only regret that you found out from Kisame and not myself.”

“You’re so frustrating sometimes,” you comment, gently nipping at his fingertips before you move away from him to get a towel for your wet hair. You could be mad all you wanted, but he wasn’t going to crack so you needed to move away from him so you could calm yourself down on your own. “I love you dearly, but you can be so narrow-sighted.”

“How so?”

“Sure, we’ve gone longer with being apart but the last time we weren’t like this and practically married like Kisame says. I didn’t know your brother was training to kill you and that you wanted it to happen, everything about the circumstances were different.” He’s watching you carefully as you squeeze your hair with a towel, and for the first time you aren’t feeling small by his stare. You were upset and you needed him to understand why you were so upset about this. Letting him make you feel small was not going to help you establish that point. “We don’t know if this’ll be the last time you leave me, we don’t know if you’ll come back, and I think I deserve more than just a couple hours of notice that you’ll be leaving for an extended period of time!”

If he didn’t get it after that, then you weren’t sure what you were going to do. For a man who was regarded as a genius, Itachi could be rather dense when it came to your feelings and perspective. He cared about your feelings, and you knew that, but he never fully understood them because you were living a different life than he was. You could play house all day, but that didn’t change the inevitable truth that you were playing different games. 

“I see.” Did he really? 

“I’m sorry.” Was he really?

Clearly you don’t look convinced; because he’s closing the distance between you slowly, almost as if he was trying to calm a wild animal, and that has you crossing your arms over your chest as you let out a huff. You were mad, not feral, and being regarded as some unpredictable animal was not helping to ease your irritated mood.

“You’re right, our circumstances are different now than they were before. You’re also correct in saying that I cannot guarantee that I’ll come home to you.” Firm hands cup your cheeks, ensuring that you’d continue to look at him as he spoke to you. “But I can promise that I’ll do my best, is that not enough?”

“I don’t think you fully understand, Itachi.”

“Understand that you’re not used to the realities of being a shinobi? That you have different emotional needs due to being raised differently than I was? Until now, I’d say you were correct. I don’t have a perfect grasp, and I never will, but I do understand that I’ve hurt you by not telling you sooner.”

“Shouldn’t take the sharingan to see that,” you mutter, feeling somewhat better but not totally appeased. You were still mad; no amount of soft tones, admission of guilt, or gentle touches would change that. Did he actually understand what your emotional needs were? 

“Please trust that my intent was never to cause you pain. I know now that I have and I am deeply sorry. I will learn from this mistake and communicate more timely with you when it involves my assignments.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” And he’s leaning in to kiss your pout away, testing the waters for how affectionate you’d let him be while your face was still warm and limbs trembled beneath his touch with your anger. Something stops him as his nose brushed against yours, half lidded eyes searching your face for something that you’re not sure of - but you’re certain he hadn’t found it based on the way he pulls back.

“Did Kisame really say we’re married?”

“Called you my husband and said you were being annoyingly distant.” He was going to have to deal with that on his own, you had mostly handled your issue and didn’t want to fully involve yourself in his business with Kisame. You can tell that he’s thinking hard about that one; there were risks to saying out loud that Itachi Uchiha had a little wife (even if you weren’t technically married), most of them involving the younger Uchiha sibling but the other risk being that you could be used to get to the Akatsuki. You were always just as much a liability to the group as you were an asset, perhaps more of a liability considering your somewhat limited skillset.

“Am I safe?” Your question has him nodding immediately, which you trusted without doubt. If you weren’t safe he’d make sure that you were. 

“You’re very protected, Kisame is smarter than to say things like that to just anyone.” It’s your turn to nod, uncrossing your arms and placing them on his shoulders. It’s then that you realize he’d been shirtless this entire time, and you’re questioning just how attentive you truly were if you missed that. “Allow me to properly apologize for my lack of consideration.”

You have a good idea as to how he was going to do that so you nod, knowing that no amount of anger was going to have you denying yourself that pleasure - especially not before he was about to leave for months. 

“May I kiss you?”

You could make him work for it, Itachi was rather impatient when it came to receiving your affection and that could be very entertaining for you. You were still a bit upset, he’d understand needing to earn that affection, but he was so close and you couldn’t resist your own temptation standing in front of you. 

His body fits against yours perfectly, your kiss promoting a satisfied hum from Itachi as his hands move from your cheeks to your thighs. One tap had you jumping, his hands supporting you as your legs locked around his waist with your kiss not breaking until you’re gasping against his mouth as your back hits the wall a bit harder than expected. Your hand is tugging at the red tie keeping his hair in place, freeing the long dark hair from its confinement only to have a tight grip on it as his lips travel along your jaw and down the column of your neck to the collar of your shirt. 

“I’ll replace them,” is all he says before you feel his hand leave your thigh. Cool air hits your stomach before you’d even registered the sound of the kunai ripping cleanly through the fabric of your shirt and bra, and his hand is holding your breast as he’s hoisting you higher up the wall so he can bring the other into his mouth. 

“We should go to the bed, y-yeah?” Your suggestion is met with a soft hum, one that you swear echoes through your chest.

“Could do it on the floor,” he mumbles against your skin, nipping at the tender skin of your breast before soothing over the spot with his tongue. “Couch, counter, or even this wall.”

But he’s moving you from the wall, carrying you through the door to your bedroom and carefully depositing you onto your mattress. His pants are off and he’s pulling at yours before you can think to do so, leaving you to watch as kisses his way up your leg until he is comfortably laid between your thighs and spreading your folds so he could look at you. 

“What happened to the wall?”

“Can’t do this,” is all that he says before he’s gently pushing two fingers into your already wet cunny. “Everything about you is so beautiful, I hate not getting to look at you properly when I get to pleasure you like this.”

Your face is warm at the admission, your hand pushing back into his hair as his tongue drags over your clit. Itachi always took his time with you, so you’re not surprised by the languid pace of his fingers and tongue against your most sensitive spots even if you did wish that he’d move just a bit faster. He knew just how to touch you to carefully stoke the fire in your core, but not to get you too worked up too quickly that you got too sensitive too quickly. He never wanted to overstimulate you too soon, always wanted you present and comfortable in these intimate moments. 

“Ita-Itachi please,” you whine as you approach that edge, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth when he only hums against your clit before looking up at you. 

“Please what, darling?” he asks, hooking his fingers in a way that has your hips arching into him. “Would you like for me to stop?”

You shake your head frantically, and he smiles as he rubs your thigh with his free hand. 

“Please make me come.” Your request has him nodding, then a forearm is pressed against your hip to keep you in place as his tongue glides against your went cunt through to lap at your dripping entrance while his thumb circles your clit in fast strokes that have you quickly reaching and toppling over that edge of pleasure that has your toes curling into the sheets beneath you. 

He’s a mess as he makes his way up to lay beside you, neatly combed hair now messy from your desperate grip on the dark tresses and his lips and chin glistening with your essence. You’re eager to taste yourself on him, pulling him into a sloppy kiss and groaning at just how wonderful he tasted. His hands are pulling you so you straddle him, one hand stays on your hip while the other takes your chin in a firm grip to keep you where he wants you. 

“Sit yourself on my cock, dearest,” he requests, voice nothing more than a whisper against your lips but the sound echoes through your ears and sends shockwaves along your spine. Your ruined shirt and bra are shed as you sit up straighter, your hand taking his length in a gentle hold so you could guide yourself onto him. He’s content to lay back against the pillows, watching as his cock gradually disappears as you sink down onto him. The hand on your hip moves in search of your clit, happy to tease the nerve bundle and watching your face contort in pleasure at his motions. 

“How’s that feel?”

“So good, ‘Tachi,” you mumble, your walls clenching around him when he presses down on your clit. “Do you feel good?”

“Heavenly,” he assures, biting his lip as you start to ride him. You two were no longer the clumsy virgins who weren’t exactly sure how it all fit together, this was a practiced dance that he was glad to have practiced with you and only you (with some initially unwanted advice from Kisame that paid off). You were confident as you moved on top of him, knowing just what he needed and more than happy to give it at a pace of your choosing. 

After a few minutes you’re leaning down, your lips connecting to his in a kiss that was as languid as your pace but so full of the love that you had for him that it was almost overwhelming - but they all felt like that.

But then he can’t take it; no longer has the patience to drag out your pleasure - not when you had all night. So he’s carefully pushing you onto your back, making sure to keep himself buried inside you as he repositions you both so he’s on top of you with one of your legs on his shoulder while the other is held against his hip as he begins to piston into you.

“Where’s your patience?”

“I’m not a very patient man when it comes to you.” The confession is punctuated by a particularly harsh thrust that had you seeing stars, and he’s smiling to himself at how precious you look beneath him. Eyes shut tight as you try to prolong your end, hands gripping his wrists as your breasts bounce with each of his movements. “You’re so pretty, darling.”

Your wonderfully slick walls begin to constrict around him, making your already tight cunt feel impossibly tighter and urging him closer to that end. Needing you to come first, his hand returns to your clit, two fingers rubbing against the sensitive nerve bundle until you were crying his name into the darkness of your bedroom as he praises you through it. A few more thrusts and he’s letting himself go inside you, his grip on your thigh tight enough that he’s sure there will be bruises for him to kiss before he leaves as his hips still against yours. Your eyes are closed as your body relaxes into the mattress, and he’s carefully lowering your legs to a more relaxed position before he eases himself out. 

Instead of moving to lay beside you, he’s settling between your legs with his head on your stomach, and you can only bring your hand to rest atop his head as the room gradually settles. His breathing returns to normal, the rise and fall of his body between your legs helping you to time your own breathing to calm yourself. 

“If things were different, would you have married me?” The question is asked so quietly you almost don’t hear it. But you did, and you’re looking down at the man who is resting his head on your stomach. He’s not looking at you, instead looking out at the wall to your left, but you’re not bothered. Itachi didn’t handle his own vulnerability well.

“I’d marry you tomorrow if you asked me to,” you admit, your fingers pushing through his hair and gently scratching at his scalp like you knew he liked. “And before you say it, I really don’t care about the questions people would ask. I don’t need a different reality, this one is more than enough for me to want to be your wife.”

“You love me that much.”

“I do.”

“Two children, maybe three. A son and a daughter for sure.”

“Maybe a cat?” His fingers are carefully drawing patterns on your side, being careful not to tickle you. You’re grateful that he’s still looking at the wall, because the tears in your eyes would not be easily hidden. To discuss a future that would never be was hard, especially with a man who you loved so much. “I always wanted a cat but my parents never let me have one.”

“No?” 

“Said cats were dirty.”

“Of course they did. Cats would’ve been able to catch the mice running around that place.” He was right, but they’d never see it that way. “You can have as many cats as you’d like.”

“I’ve already got you, so just one would do.” Your teasing has him chuckling before a kiss is tenderly placed to your stomach, and he’s looking at you now as you look down at him. “I love you, Itachi Uchiha.” 

“I love you, too.” Another kiss, but then he’s moving so that he laid beside you. Gentle fingers push your hair back, a warm palm holds your cheek as you look at him with a fondness that was only his. And the name that leaves his lips is yours, but with Uchiha in place of your surname and that has a fresh warmth spreading throughout your chest as he seals his intention with a kiss. This was all he could give you, nothing official in the eyes of anyone besides yourselves, but it was more than enough. 

And as his hand brings your thigh up to his hip, his hardening erection pressing against your slit, you know you’re about to consummate the unofficial bond.

[or0ch1maru]

headcanons for playing just dance with the akatsuki members? 💃

This is honestly fucking hilarious and I’m the perfect amount of buzzed for this

I can’t stop laughing at imagining how this would actually go

Also, I haven’t played just dance in years so if I make a mistake in anything, let me know and I’ll edit it🫶🏻

•

Hidan:

•would be the type to forget to tighten the strap around his wrist, the remote going soaring when he swings his arm too hard. Bonus points if it hits another member or breaks something

•doesn’t play fair. AT ALL. Will knock into his opponent or shit talk to the point it distracts them

•I can see him being the type to play this game drunk, not buzzed, but drunk. His movements over exaggerated and sloppy. He thinks he’s doing amazing but in reality he looks like a fish out of water, flapping & flailing around

Kakuzu:

•he would rather give up all his money before playing something so ‘stupid’ and ‘childish’ and that says a lot lol

•would sit off to the side, watching as his comrades play and enjoy themselves. Just because he’s a grouch and doesn’t let loose like they do, doesn’t mean he’ll ruin their fun

•I can see him disappearing and hiding in his room to avoid Hidan’s constant begging and whining. He knows deep down Kakuzu would eventually give into him, even if it’s only to shut him up and Kakuzu doesn’t want to ‘stoop to that level’

Konan:

•omg, she’d be so good at it. Her movements smooth and languid. She doesn’t look out of place at all like Hidan does, moving as if she was a natural dancer

•ends up racking up the most points by the end of the game, beating everybody she plays against. Her focus controlled, even when up against Hidan, who tries to knock her knee out

•isn’t ashamed one bit, not even if the dance moves displayed come off corny to others, ignoring the chuckles of her mates as she copies the choreography

Pain:

•at the very beginning, he’d be shy. His movements stiff. His hands barely leaving the sides of his body as he copies what’s displayed on the screen

•would totally be flustered, cheeks red and an awkward smile plastered on his face as he feels all the eyes of his teammates on him as he dances

•it’s not until he’s like 5 drinks in, feeling a decent buzz when he finally lets go and dances like no tomorrow. Not giving a shit if he messes up

Kisame:

•the team cheerleader. Claps, cheers, and shouts as he encourages his mates to keep going.

•even though he’s skilled on the battlefield doesn’t entirely mean he’s a good dancer. With how big he is, his movements are erratic, taking up most of the space in front of the tv, and ends up knocking into his opponent a few times

•doesn’t care about points or winning as he’s simply enjoying bonding as friends and family. Knowing he’d cherish this moment forever

Itachi:

•just like Konan, his movements would be smooth, but also sharp and precise

•I also believe he’d be a little apprehensive at first, not because he feels like he’d embarrass himself or anything, but because he hasn’t been able to relax and have fun in a long time, having to grow up so early in life

•ends up having the time of his life, coming in second to Konan, and having a celebratory drink to commemorate his small victory

Tobi:

•would be an absolute clown about everything but truthfully, making everyone’s night even better

•I think he’d be shy, just like pain, but once he gets over it, would have a lot of fun. Focusing on the dance moves as much as possible even though he ends up missing a step time to time

•would take FOREVER trying to pick a song, I feel like he’d chose something by lady Gaga or Rihanna. Something fun and upbeat

Zetsu:

•honestly, I think he wouldn’t participate. Would linger and watch the others as they play. Taking post in his favorite spot in the wall or on the arm of the couch

•black and white Zetsu would be going back and forth between the two of them as white Zetsu wants to play but black Zetsu doesn’t. Ends up giving in and sitting aside the whole night

•would sneak back later once everyone has gone to bed or passed out drunk to play by himself

Sasori:

•would also think the game is ‘stupid’ but after a drink or two would be the first one with a remote in his hand, ready to dance

•once he gets in the zone, his mates all agreed he had a natural ‘talent’, not better than Konan or Itachi, but close to it. What his mates don’t know is that he comes into the living room to play time to time when nobody’s home

•when he’s not playing, he makes sure his friends have what they want or need. Snack, another beer, etc

Deidara:

•nervous baby for sure. At the beginning that is.

•When he wins his first match, beating Kisame in a landslide, that win, gets to his head. Ends up cocky and taunting everybody, only to lose his next match to Hidan.

•definitely flamboyant and extravagant with his moves. Almost hit Hidan in the face before his loss. Curses when he drops the remote. Completely forgot to even slide the strap on his wrist, which gave Hidan the chance to succeed

Orochimaru:

•at first, they’d simply enjoy watching and observing their team as they play and have fun. For some reason I can see them writing things down for their research. Something about how bonding is essential for security and happiness in a friend group

•orochimaru would be enjoying the drinks more than the game, drink after drink to help unwind, realizing how much they truly enjoy being around others compared to being stuck in the lab all day

•would play a round or two towards the end of the night for the hell of it. Using the excuse of ‘it’s for my research’ instead of coming clean about their real reason. They wanted to experience the fun but they’d never admit that

I had lady Gaga’s, heavy metal lover on repeat while writing this. I love her and I feel like a handful of the akatsuki would too🫶🏻

[fireflylitsky]

Okay, Akatsuki cooking Headcanons, are they good in the kitchen??? Itachi- What he’s learned to cook, he does so very well, but only knows a few simple recipes his mother taught him. He's a perfectionist and would rather master the egg flip than have an arsenal of ‘okay’ meals under his belt. 

Kisame- An absolute grill master. If you want rare, you get rare. Medium rare? No problem. All he needs to do is poke it with a finger and he knows just when to pull it off the grill. Ask him for well done and he’ll shame you the entire time it takes to cook, but yeah, he can do that too. He knows fancy spatula/tong flipping tricks and will show off even if no one’s looking. Hidan got him an apron that says “Fuck the cook” and Kisame wears it every chance he gets, and if he’s drunk enough, with nothing underneath.

Sasori- Food is for the weak.

Deidara- He definitely thinks he’s a good cook. The others refuse to eat his creations on the assertion that if he has mouths on his hands, it’s unsanitary, but really he just goes crazy with spices and hot sauce.

Hidan- Is Hidan good in the kitchen? Of course he is. The counter is the perfect height. When it comes to cooking though, he’s impatient and always cranks the heat, then whines when it tastes burnt. That doesn’t stop him from eating it, and it definitely doesn’t stop him from burning it next time either.

Kakuzu- No one has any clue if Kakuzu is a good cook because he won’t do it for anyone but himself. He buys the food he wants in the exact quantities required. None is ever wasted. He is a meal prep king and reserves a spot in the fridge for all his perfectly portioned leftovers. Anyone to touch them dies.

Konan- She knows the basics, but she’s a woman with a lot of shit to deal with, so she turns to instant ramen a lot. Whenever one of the guys teases her for not being a better cook, because apparently that’s expected of her, she will make them something purposefully disgusting and forces them to finish it. No one really says anything disparaging about her cooking anymore.

Nagato- Lol just no. The man knows nothing of cooking, but Konan ensures he eats.

Pein- As a corpse being piloted by an unhinged trauma-ridden friend, no. No, he is not much of a cook.

Zetsu- Doesn’t believe in cooking. 

Tobi/Obito- Tobi would not be a good cook. Obito knows this and loses a piece of his soul every time he has to purposely fuck up a meal just to stay in character, because Obito is actually quite a good cook. The man just wants to make beautiful, braised meats and savory soups and instead he’s stuck pretending to not know the difference between soy sauce and maple syrup. He pretends to enjoy sugar-filled, rainbow colored treats because that is what Tobi would like.

Orochimaru- This motherfucker is so extra. His cooking is gourmet. He fully intends on enjoying his immortal life and that means each meal should be a treat. Of course he gets busy and doesn’t always have time, in which case he opts for something quick and efficient—he has a whole ass recipe book for smoothies alone with all his favorites dog-eared and he tells Kabuto they taste better when he makes them.

(Thanks to @mooshi-png for the Kisame in that fucking apron hc lmao, it lives in my head permamently)

[yowyowyaoi]

*at the dinner table*

Hidan: *gagging as he tries to eat a chicken breast* Fucking hell, blondie; could this be anymore gross?!

Deidara: Hey, I worked hard on that, hm! I know you eat everything all bloody but you can’t do that with chicken!!

Hidan: Yeah but … this is so … like I know that you’re used to choking on dry meat but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are!

Kakuzu: Hidan, enough. Nobody complained when you made those tacos with so many spices they nearly blew out our assholes.

Itachi: Still haven’t recovered from that, by the way.

Konan: Guys. Please. You guys taking turns cooking so I don’t have to every night is such a big thing for me, please don’t ruin it by being nasty to each other. Okay?

Deidara: Sorry, Konan.

Hidan: Yeah; sorry, beautiful. Blondie, this shit ain’t that bad, okay? 

Kisame: Who’s turn is it to cook tomorrow night? Is it mine?

Konan: *looks at the chart* Actually it’s Tobi’s.

*everyone looks at Tobi*

Kakuzu: Tobi … you know how to cook?

Tobi: I sure do, Kakuzu-san! I went to the market and got everything I needed! SUGAR, cinnamon, pastry dough, sweet milk —-

Konan: Wow, you’re planning on making dessert, too? How nice!

Tobi: … dessert? That’s gonna be our dinner!

The others:

Hidan: That’s even worse than blondie’s! Are you trying to crash our fucking blood with sugar! I should —

Tobi, in Obito voice: You know what *I* should do? Shove everything right up your pale white ass! And you can use the icing for lube, you ungrateful dick!! Now shut the fuck up before you get my boot up there as well!!

Hidan:

Tobi, back in his own voice: Does anyone else have any complaints about dinner?

Everyone: *shakes their head*

Tobi: Good.

[immoralimmortals]

we hop-skip-jump back with more akatsuki questions! we hope your days have been grand and your songs sweet, tak(?)

if the akatsuki were exposed to the cuisines of our modern, international world, what would each of them gravitate to? would hidan be lured by the cooking of the southern american states, creole, the sausages and cuts and grinds of europe, the whole beasts of the pacific? would itachi look at italian cuisine and feel a deep pang of nostalgia of how sasuke would like this fare? what would these tongues make of our world's bounty?

Hello again! Yes, I'm Tak uvu Some more cusine headcanons for you, dear!:

Honestly I think you nailed Hidan right off the bat. I think he's a connoisseur of meat in specific, if given the time and lack of killing people (so only a world with no Jashin. Probably). I can imagine him, Deidara, and sometimes Kisame having a hot sauce drinking contest. Kakuzu would show up and blow them out of the water once and never participate again. I think Hidan would like beef jerky and pork rinds.

My dad is obsessed with the Red Lobster food chain and now I'm thinking about how Kisame would genuinely enjoy himself while everyone else is only there for cheddar bay biscuits.

My dad just bought at least 100$ worth of Red Lobster gift cards once finding out they're going out of business HE KEEPS ASKING ME OUT TO RED LOBSTER SOMEONE FUCKING HELP M

I've already said in a prior post that Deidara would be OBSESSED with pop rocks. Wouldn't be surprised if he seeks out other kinds of food that give specific sensations, hence the hot sauce bit just now. He'd love carbonated drinks, too. He can bullshit his way into convincing you that yes, Monster Energy Drink *does* require a sophisticated flavor palate! He'd try anything if it had a novelty factor, at least one he can take seriously.

Perhaps obviously I can see Itachi especially enjoying the vast variety of teas that one can acquire in the modern world. My personal favorites tend to be rooibos blends, so I'd like to give him a cup. God, he'd be a great cafe owner. Literal coffee shop AU type of man. I want him to tell me about the floral notes in this morning blend of green tea from the Himalayas. I wanna own a combination tea shop and bakery with him, that'd be the dream.

Kakuzu strikes me as a hardy, heavy food kind of guy. Stews and meats and breads. He'd probably like corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. ...Sorry my Irish in me is coming out. Gravitates to comfort food that keeps you full and warm.

Nagato and Konan are...interesting ones to consider, because whenever I think about them and food I just can't stop thinking about how formative starvation must have been for them. I think they can get overwhelmed by seasonings really fast, anything especially salty or sugary or what have you is in small portions. I don't think they'd deal well with the fact that the most available foods in some societies are saturated with flavor that's overcompensating for shitty processed food. I think if you gave Nagato a bottle of Sunny D it might actually kill him.

Sasori can't taste shit, I think, but if he did he's one of those assholes with PIN POINT PRECISION. Wine connoisseur. Chocolate connoisseur. Will intellectually wreck your shit if you tell him you're making spaghetti and serve him angel hair.

I think Obito would get really disappointed if you told him you were going to get mochi and you came back with the kind you get from the grocery store.

Zetsu still eats people, I can only presume. He might be interested in foods related to "stranger" body parts, brain cheese and haggis, that sort of thing.

Side note: several years ago when I first entered my never-ending Akatsuki phase, I read a really, really cute self insert or reader insert fic where the Akatsuki came to the "real world" and they watched Spongebob and Kisame made what the story described as an adorable face as he was shown how a soda can works. I've been looking for it and my heart yearns to reread. If you happen to find it, please let me know!

[vulpisnocturna]

Who in akatsuki are abosolutly good at sex?

I can only think of three people who would be good in bed in the Akatsuki, Anon.

In no particular order:

not necessarily good in bed (he’s quite selfish) BUT he’s definitely not a virgin, and has been with many many people. So he knows what the hell he’s supposed to do, unlike other members… but he’s a sadomasochist. So… you have to be one too to like it.

okay okay I may be a little biased… but hear me out. He’s actually the kindest, most observant one in the Akatsuki. Even if Itachi was a virgin (which I don’t think is that likely, considering he is also a man who would have *needs* and must have had innkeepers and travellers salivating behind him on Akatsuki missions, and he canonically had a girlfriend, even if they were 13) he is a prodigy and a quick learner. 100% pleasure/service dom, would think of his partner’s pleasure as the top priority.

She’s definitely had sex with Yahiko many times. Most normal person in the Akatsuki. Definitely has experience, isn’t a sadist. I see her as a switch, and quite sweet and romantic with a rougher exterior. 10/10 I would.

As for the others… Kisame would be after this but he is literally a fish and looked at the only woman who wanted him like she was insane, Obito is a die hard virgin let’s be real, Nagato don’t even get me started, Zetsu is a plant, Kakuzu is 90 years old and has a mouth with hair (imagine making out with hair? gross), Deidara is barely of age and has no idea of the natural gifts he possesses (🫣), Sasori is a puppet, can he even get it up? At most he’d feel like a wooden dildo and who knows if he’s got splinters

[lavender-long-stories]

✿ Monday Sneak Peaks ✿

Office Mishap 2 One Shot Part 2 ItaHina ✿ New

“Oh, did you find your charger?” Ino knew she was looking for it. Hinata had asked if she had borrowed it. “Itachi-sama had it,” Hinata explained. “Apparently, he accidentally took it after a meeting.” “Uh-huh,” Ino said skeptically, giving her a sly side-eye. “I am sure that’s what happened.”

A Kiss Between Strangers Chapter 3 GaaHina ✿ Ongoing

“Hey, you okay?” Kiba nudged her. “This is Temari’s little brother, Gaara. We actually met him this summer, if you remember.” Hinata's mouth came open to say something, but nothing came out. Her chair came back in a hurry, making a screeching sound that alerted the table. “Excuse me.”

Guarding Affections Chapter 28 KisaHina ✿ Ongoing

Hinata tilted her chin up. “Would you prefer, boyfriend?” Kisame’s face heated up. “No, partner is fine. I think I am a little too old to be called someone's boyfriend.” Hinata giggled at him. “At what point does someone become too old for ‘boyfriend’?”

The Best Revenge Chapter 11 ShikaHina ✿ Ongoing

“She moved in with me,” Shikamaru answered. That was mostly true, though he made it seem like that was where she was the whole time.  “Oh, is that temporary?” Sakura asked, reaching for any charitable explanation. “I hope not.” Shikamaru got lightly elbowed for that. His jokes were not going to help.

Riding Hearts Chapter 6 Akatsuki x Hinata ✿ Ongoing

“That is adorable.” Hinata gushed.  “Adorable?” Hidan ducked his head down next to her. “It’s still the ugliest fucking cat I have ever seen.” Samehada gave him a warning growl, and when he didn’t back up, he hissed and swatted.

Red Memories Chapter 26 SasuHina ✿ Ongoing

“Then who is here?” Hinata wondered more to herself as she got to the door. She opened it, and her mouth fell open. She didn’t know what to say. “... Hanabi-san? What brings you here?” Hanabi puffed up her chest, clearly upset or frustrated. She waved her hand in to ask if she was going to be invited in. Hinata stepped out of the way, and Hanabi walked out of her shoes in the main room and turned to cross her arms. “I heard you were sick. That you collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital.”

Why Is It Always You? Chapter 21 SasuHina ✿ Ongoing

Hinata's head leaned down into his view, her hair falling off her shoulders as she did, back in the oversized pastel hoodie that suited her much more than her school uniform. “Sorry. Did I keep you waiting long?”  Cute. Sasuke cleared his throat as they both straightened up. “No.”

Sorry, I am late >.<