#when we get all alone ill make myself at home and hell want me to stay

[voidcoretxt]

shaking crying throwing up projectile vomiting i just wish i was in a place in life where i can start streaming or at least doing youtube stuff...

[prettyinpurplelights]

hii ur writing is SOO SOO good im practically going insane over ur mbappe writings. could u pls write smth about mbappe being sick and reader having to take care of him but he's just enjoying being a brat and clinging to reader ? like imagine taking care of this manchild. imagine the HAVOC he would wreck if he didn't get a kiss from his gf

HOUR OF NEED

Heyy, thank you for your lovely words, means so much 🫶🏿 hope this is okay!

“You’re leaving me here all by myself? This is your fault.” Your boyfriend sniffles, pouting as you put on your jacket, ready to leave the house.

“I warned you about kissing me last week when I was sick.”

“But your mouth was so nice and warm.”

“And now here we are.”

“So you’re going to abandon me in my hour of need?”

“Kylian, it’s just a cold. You’ll survive.” You roll your eyes.

“I hope you know those may be your last words to me. Ever! Who knows if I’ll still be alive and breathing when you get back.” He shivers dramatically and you grab your bag, placing your phone in your coat pocket.

“I spent all day yesterday playing nurse Ky, I have to go to the office.”

“And you think if nurses just left their patients before they got better, anyone would recover?”

“You are a ridiculous man Kylian Mbappe. You have a runny nose and a high temperature, just keep hydrated and take your pills. I’ll see you at 6.” You reach over to kiss his forehead and he rolls over and pulls the covers high over his head.

“You don’t deserve to kiss me.” His voice his muffled under the blankets and you laugh.

“Whatever you big baby.��� You call as you shut the bedroom door behind you.

————

“So if we push the campaign from this angle, I think the overall engagement would-“

PING!

Your phone buzzes for the hundredth time in the last 10 minutes since you started giving your pitch to the newest clients at your firm. You reach for your phone to turn it off, apologising profusely, when it starts ringing and you see your boyfriend’s face lighting up the screen.

“I’m so sorry, I just have to take this very quickly, I really apologise.” You hold your hands in a prayer sign before scrambling out of the office with the phone to your ear.

“Kylian, what the hell do you want.”

“Y/N…” his voices sounds strained and breathless, and you immediately begin to worry.

“Kyky? Baby what’s wrong?”

“I just…can you…” He coughs violently and you wince. He really doesn’t sound good, and you feel start to feel a little guilty for leaving him alone. “Can you…come home please? E…Emergency.” He croaks out that last part, as though he doesn’t have the energy to do anything else.

“Oh baby. I’ll be there as soon as I can okay? I’m sorry for not taking you seriously. I’m leaving the office as soon as I can.”

“Thank you,” he breathes before hanging up abruptly and you think the absolute worst. Maybe it wasn’t just a cold, maybe it was something worse, and now he’s alone and confused and deteriorating. You head back into the conference room, chewing on the inside of your cheek anxiously.

“Everything okay Y/N?” Your boss asks.

“Yes, ummm, it’s just my boyfriend is really ill right now, and he’s just called me and he doesn’t sound too good so I’m a bit worried that’s all. But we can get this pitch finished up and I’ll go and quickly see him on my lunch break-“

“Kylian is ill?” He says, shocked as if you’d just told him his own mother on was on her death bed. “Oh no, you must go to him right away. We have the PowerPoint and your notes, Lisa can finish your pitch.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes of course, I hope he makes a speedy recovery.”

“Thank you so much, and I really am sorry.” You disconnect your laptop from the hdmi cable connected to the project and slide it into your handbag.

“Don’t worry about it Y/N, please let us know how he’s doing tomorrow, you don’t have to come in if he’s still not feeling well.” He smiles. You thank him one last time before rushing out of the office and down to the elevator to the underground car park. You barely lock your seatbelt in place before hightailing it out of the building.

“Kylian!” You yell as soon as you make it back into the apartment. You drop your bag at the door and hurry up the steps, taking them two at time. It’s not long before you’re bursting into the bedroom. “Ky, baby what’s wrong? Have your symptoms gotten worse?” You sit on the bed, taking his sweaty face into your hands. “I’m sorry for leaving you baby.”

“You’re back.” He croaks.

“Of course,” you sigh leaning in to kiss him and he lets you this time. “What was so urgent?”

“I…the bistro is out of chicken soup and I really want some chicken soup, I was wondering if you could make some for me please?” You drop his head, and he falls back onto the pillow violently.

“Ouch!” He moans, rubbing his head.

“Kylian…” you close your eyes, your right hand pressing on the bridge of your nose. “Kylian, do not tell me you pulled me out of work because you want FUCKING SOUP!”

“I missed you too?” He pouts.

“Kylian! I was in an important meeting with my boss!”

“The one that’s the PSG fan? I’ll have someone send him some tickets to our next game, he’ll be fine.” You roll your eyes.

“Of course that’s why he let me leave the office without hesistation….but that’s not the point Ky!”

“Look babe, I’m sorry for making you leave work.” He doesn’t look sorry in the slightest and it pisses you off even more. “But I mean…you’re here now? So…”

“So???”

He opens his arms, his eyes wide as he smiles. “Come spend the day in bed with me.” You throw a pillow at him, landing in the space his open arms created, before storming out of the room.

“Where are you going?” He calls out.

“To make YOUR FUCKING SOUP!“ you shout back. “Tu es un putain d’idiot!”

———

You feel someone’s arms wrap around you as you’re stirring the soup and you shrug your shoulders.

“Get off me Kylian.” You mumble.

“Are you mad at me?” He asks, holding you tighter as he presses a kiss into your neck.

“Kylian Mbappe Lottin, I’m within an arms reach of very sharp objects. Get the fuck off me.”

“No.” He insists, burying his head further into your neck. “I want to hug you. I read somewhere hugs and kisses when you’re sick are very healing.” He moves from behind you to stand by your side, his arms around your shoulders instead, leaning forward with his eyes closed and lips pursed. You shove the teaspoon you were using to taste the soup into his mouth instead and push him off you as you untie your apron and place it on the work surface.

“You can keep your kisses. I’m not trying to get sick again.”

“You kissed me earlier when you came back?”

“Yeah when I thought you were on your death bed you manipulative man child.”

“Oh Y/N, come on!” He whines, stomping his feet. “I’m not a baby.” You look at his stomping foot and raise an eyebrow. He stops and his lips turn up in a little smile. “Okay fine, maybe I am a baby. But I’m your baby. And your baby is sick and needs you. He needs your kisses. Desperately or he might drop to the floor right now.”

“Drop. I don’t care, I’m not kissing you.”

“But I said I’m sorry!” He groans.

“And you’re forgiven. But I’m not kissing you. I don’t want to get sick again.”

“Actually,” he says, coming up to you as you reach into a cabinet above the sink to grab two bowls. “Since I caught this cold from you, it’s the same strain, and you can’t catch a cold twice with the same strain of virus. So you can kiss me as much as you want.”

“And since when did you become Dr. Mbappe.”

“I did some reading in the 3 hours you abandoned me.” You slide past him and start serving up the soup in the bowls.

“Good for you.”

He takes the bowls from you and sets them on the island before backing you up against the counter. The blanket around his shoulders falls to the floor as he rests his arms either side of you on the granite worktop, trapping your body between his.

“Just one kiss.” He whispers against your lips, his face barely an inch from yours. “Please. Just one.”

“Fine.” You press your lips against his lightly, ready to pull away but his hands cage your face, and he presses his lips harder against yours, deepening the kiss. You both pull away eventually breathless, your hand around his neck.

“Better?” You ask in a low voice.

“I’m cured.” He murmurs, before he suddenly recoils and sneezes all over your face.

“DUDE!” You shout, pushing him away as you reach for a tissue.

“Well, almost cured.” He laughs, stopping when he sees your stone cold expression, your eyes shooting daggers at him. You shove his bowl of soup into his chest and go to sit on the sofa with yours. You soon feel Kylian snuggle up next to you, lying down dramatically with his hand over his forehead.

“I suddenly feel weak and dizzy, I don’t think I can hold myself up Y/N.”

“What? You want me to feed you the soup now?”

“If you insist.” He smirks.

“You are unbelievable,” You roll your eyes, but you’re smiling too as you pick up the bowl and hold a spoonful to his lips.

“I also think a kiss in between each spoonful will really help speed up my recovery process.” He nods as he slurps the soup from the spoon.

“You know what, you should legally change your name to Mbaby.”

“Haha funny.” He retorts. He points to the soup, then his lips before opening his mouth wide. You intentionally put the bowl down and pull out your phone, flipping the camera to selfie mode and holding it up so both you and Kylian are in the frame simultaneously.

“Look at this big baby here,” You start, as you press the live option on your instagram. “Big boy Kylian Mbappe lying here while I feed him soup because he’s got a little cold he can’t handle.” Kylian reaches up to grab your phone but you leap from the sofa to the other side of the coffee table.

“Y/N, turn it off.”

“Oh look,” you say into the camera. “Suddenly he has the energy to get up. You should’ve seen him merely a few seconds ago guys, acting as though he had the plague.”

“Y/N, I’m warning you.”

You laugh as you read some of the comments from the fans on your live, getting louder as you see one from his teammate.

“Ky, Achraf said stop being such a pussy!”

“That’s it!” Kylian says before leaping over the table, but you’re a tad quicker than he is, dodging his lunge and making a break for it into the kitchen. “Cut the live Y/N, or I swear-“

“Or what?” You taunt, flipping the camera so it’s facing him as he stares you down from the other end of the island in the middle of the kitchen. You quickly slip through the door and up the steps before he can reach you, but Kylian proves himself to be one of the fastest men in the world once again because he’s grabbing onto your shirt just as you reach the top of the steps pulling you to the floor, his full weight on top of you as you raise your arm as high as you can out of his reach.

“Okay guys, I have to go, it’s time to feed baby Kyky his cough syrup.” You say just as Kylian grabs the phone out of your hand and turns it off.

“Looks like you’re suddenly feeling better hmm?” You tease, laughing.

“You…” He starts but his sentence trails and he pulls the blanket over his mouth before sneezing into it loudly. He sniffs, rolling over so he’s lying next to you, wheezing and breathless. “You’re so lucky I’m ill. Once this cold is gone, you’re dead.”

———

Tried to make it a bit fluffy, I feel like it probably wasn’t that fluffy aksjsksk enjoy ! <3

[shipskicksandgiggles]

dialogue prompts

hi! I’m Ellis, I’m a college student that that apparently keeps landing myself in bizarre situations and I cope by making prompt lists out of them. they’re usually hilarious and great for short fics, so feel free to send me a number with a character/ship/dynamic, or even just a fandom that you think fits

“Is this about the fax machine? Because if it is, my vote is we put a bullet in it.”

“I don’t need to hear about any of your sex lives. I’m talking to you specifically.”

“Why are you all in the hallway? Is that a dog?”

“Do they remind you of someone?” “Yeah, me when I was that age, I was hoping you wouldn’t mention it.”

“I’m going to steal someone’s kneecaps.”

“Someone just barked at me in the grocery store parking lot.” “Go see who it is.” “You asshole.”

“Why are you standing like that?” “They’re autistic, leave them alone.”

“It’s been like three months. Why are you a different person?” “Catastrophic change and trauma, babe, don’t worry about it.”

“Every day my interests become more and more like a middle aged father’s.”

“Do you want to come build a chair?” “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Why do you talk so much about cannibalism in this class?” “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Everyone gets excited about boobs!” “I honestly don’t think that’s true.”

“Do you need the heat pack more?” “I wasn’t going to bring it up, but you limped home, I think you need it more.”

“Some guy just mistook me for a cis man, this is the best thing that’s happened to me all week.”

“You went to Catholic school? I would have thought you’d gone to public school and then taken a hard left into satanism.”

“Did you have a Voltron phase?” “No, why?”

“You know how I would literally rather die than ask for help?”

“Do you have time for me to have a gender crisis on you or are you too busy?” “Oh, no, this is happening.”

“Dude, they took your door.” “Your door privileges have been revoked.” “What the fuck?”

“Oh my god, quit it with the mother henning.” “If we lose the kid I’m blaming you.”

“Do you have a reason or are you being a nasty cynic?”

“So he’s better than you.” “I’m okay with that.”

“Did you just call me to tell me the person who won Jeopardy! has my chronic illness?”

“I regret asking.” “Why would you ask an autistic person about their hyperfixation when you don’t want an in depth answer?”

“Insane question, but can I put you in hell?”

“If one more person gives you public recognition for a thing I think you’re going to set yourself on fire.”

“Holy shit, you’re like a vampire.” “In all seriousness, you should see someone about that, that’s not normal.”

“Did I just sleep for 16 hours?” “Roughly, yeah. How are you feeling?” “About how you’d expect.”

“Where are you? Oh you’re having floor time.”

“Your taste in men is seriously questionable. If you only want his dick I’m sure we can figure out something else.”

“You need to crash your car right now.”

“Don’t make me pull rank at 6 in the morning again, I’ll die.”

“Are you crocheting right now? God this is such a weird group of people.”

“I got called an anarchist again.” “By the same person as last time?” “Nope.”

“Are we going to talk about what happened back there?” “No, why, what happened?”

“My mom has apparently kissed more women than I have.”

“You goddamn whore!” “What happened?” “She lied to me!”

“Of all of us, I think you’re the most likely to be a vigilante. Like a journalist by day, crime fighting hero by night.” “Like Spider-Man?” “Exactly like Spider-Man!”

“What’s going on?” “There might be a squirrel in the building, let me get back to you.”

“Don’t flirt with me while I’m holding a knife.”

“So imagine you’re a bisexual woman and you want to go to a strip club.”

“You scare people.” “I’m literally the nicest person alive.” “I watched you yell at someone last week.” “And?”

“The group chat is rioting.” “Oh my god.”

“We’re stealing your dog. She’s ours now.”

“I’m going to use my powers of being everyone’s favorite to get out of this.”

“I don’t associate myself with my birth name because no one called me by that name growing up.” “Have you perhaps heard of therapy?”

“My professor thinks I need an emotional support bird.” “No, I know you need an emotional support bird.”

“Okay, so they’ve got some trauma they need to work through. What’s driving the rest of you?”

“I ended up with the straight up rainbow one. Maybe straight is the wrong word. Anywhom-”

“You met this man a week ago, what do you mean you’re in love with him?”

[ronearoundblindly]

I've been working on the finale of Dignity of His Choice for over a year now.

That's hard to say. It's hard to admit that this story I feel such excitement and passion for is just *not coming to the page* like so many others have with less excitement and passion. The Stark Legacy has been the same way, except it's been a year and a half.

I have...responsibilities that aren't writing though. I own my business and have no employees. I live alone now and pay for everything, clean everything, maintain everything. It's just me. I think I used to write Fools Rush In with the hope that having to think of both perspectives in a relationship would somehow change mine, if only shift my thoughts to why my marriage was probably fine and I was making too big a deal.

But it wasn't fine.

I don't mean this is a dramatic way (because a relationship between two people will always be evolving and have growing pains, even when everyone is communicating and moving towards the same goal with mutual respect), but I was being lied to. It was a simple lie, sure, something that wouldn't and didn't fully impact our entire lives until the tiny friction point snapped like two tectonic plates, and then in an instant, rattled and confused, we were gone. The layout of my world just *changed* and wasn't going to go back to normal. Normal never existed. It was just then and this is just now.

It's been so difficult to feel that happen in my real life and not fear for my characters--which I get is projection at its finest, but still--how do I protect them? How do I make their life seem real without snapping it in half and then lying about putting it back together? I couldn't do that. I'm alone. What do I know?

Except...I've been writing Fools Rush In for nearly two years, and I never actually knew what communicating and moving towards the same goal with mutual respect really looked like. I was wrong. I've been wrong the whole time. My life, exactly like my art, was fiction. I fabricated happiness in my home and on the page, and in one of those places, I already failed.

There was no finish line or last sentence; the whole story just vanished with an unhappy ending that proved the entire thing was some sort of fever dream. I had put a decade of effort into absolutely nothing. Worse. I worked for that long on hope when there was none.

I've often thought that I relate to Steve/Sketch as much as Reader/Keeps in the FRI series because I play more of a narrator role in life. Steve had a story to go through: survive illness, become a soldier, lead others to victory and safety. In canon, we often see him...not living his own life, and it's even commented on frequently. I think I've been taking on a similar role. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to consider myself the protagonist; things happen to other people, I want good things to happen to other people, but I am not the one who experiences them.

I didn't expect to ever be in the same place as this character when I imagined the 'fake death' story two springs ago, but my life is in tatters after I made the wrong decision for all the right reasons. I struggle to read comments like "how could Steve do this?" and "I could never forgive him" without taking them very personally. Of course, I know that no reader means them that way, but it's still painful to write Sketch and Keeps the happy ending I know they deserve when me...? What the hell is gonna happen to me? Who do I return to after this death-of-the-life-I-had?

I don't know the answer.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to those who are waiting for Dignity's very happy ending (which I promise it very much is happy). The narrator is just lost at the moment, stuck on all the stories and none of the stories at once, wondering which of the fiction she told herself led to this ending, and...truly unable to trust in 'hope' again.

[kitkat-kattywack]

Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the extroverts with mental illness(es?)

I’ve had anxiety and social anxiety disorders since I was around five. I developed depression sometime in fifth grade or so and I was diagnosed with both in the sixth grade. My anxiety manifests as fear and a need for organization, sometimes panic when either get out of hand, while my depression ranges from irritability and rage to numbness and nothing, to a sense of loneliness so intense it feels like I’m burning from the inside out.

Because of my mental illnesses, I thought I was an introvert for years. Almost like I was using it as a way to reason why I was always by myself, reading or drawing rather than talking or playing with my classmates. Despite the running history I’ve had of trying to talk to and play with the other kids, actively seeking socialization and any fun activity possible (there came a point where I had been rejected or just plain insulted so much that I stopped trying and waited for others to come to me instead).

From eighth grade to my freshman year of high school (I’m an American for context) I had a sizable friend group that would organize days out and ‘parties’ and other fun shit at least once a week. When we weren’t planning something, we were just hanging out after school rather than going home. With all that fun and togetherness, I realized that I had been an extrovert all along, and not only do I thrive on socializing, I had been starved for it.

But high school is high school and my friend group dissolved.

My point is, though I’ve learned and gotten better at taking the first step when meeting somebody (thanks to a hospital program) and my medication keeps me from being mute and terrified of everyone that comes near me, I still have trouble sometimes. If I pick up a vibe that’s judgmental, not friendly, cliquey, I’ll revert back to my guarded, defensive attitude from school. Sometimes I need to be told that I’m welcome, even if I’m weird. That I’m liked.

A day alone in my bedroom is hell for me. To be alone is hell for me. I don’t hate myself, that’s not what it is, but my mental illnesses hate me and repeat what has been said to me in my mind. I need to be with other people, to be out, or I get sent into a depression episode.

(TLDR) I realize that mine is a unique case and that most people who happen to see this probably didn’t read it or if they did, are too busy with their own problems or simply don’t care. But I wonder if there’s other extroverts like me, that love and thrive social action but struggle to create or find those settings. Not a stereotypical “social butterfly” image that extroverts are usually given, that makes friends insanely easily, but wants to.

[iphisesque]

So like what's the deal with the incest stuff. Is it a bit? Did you actually fuck one or both of your parents? Do you just want to? You don't seem, like, upset about it in a way I'd expect if you'd been abused as a child, but maybe my expectations aren't right. Sorry if this is rude but your posts are confusing me.

it is a bit rude but i do want to answer it in earnest just to like clear things up and whatnot (and tbh i doubt there's any way to ask this question nicely so i don't blame you at all lmao).

[very long ramble under the cut in case you understandably don't care or don't want to hear about this; tw for parental abuse and incest]

i didn't actually have sex with either of my parents, i went through a lot of abuse and neglect on both their parts in ways i am not comfortable just enumerating online and that honestly i am not yet comfortable facing in general; i was also raised in a very weird way, which i don't even mean as a negative thing, but one of the things my family believes in (to varying degrees) is that i am on some level the reincarnation of my late grandfather, whom my mother has an actual proper electra complex about. i don't like to throw around the word "emotional incest", im not an expert or a professional and it's a word that gets thrown around way too much to have any credibility anymore, but i do think there was some of that going on with my mother, simply by virtue of our situation being the way it was — struggling single mom with a chronic illness and her eldest star prodigy daughter, tale as old as time or whatever.

i never liked my father, not since i was a child, and i honestly dreaded spending time with him whenever i had to; i definitely saw my mom as a respite from having to go to my father's place or even interact with him at all, not entirely deservedly, since with some distance i can see that he was trying to do his best and that my mother was almost as abusive as him. regardless, it was very much the least of two evils, and there was a long time when i was a teenager that i absolutely hated my mother nearly as much as i hated my father: part of that is definitely due to our clashing opinions on how i should dress and carry myself, she always wanted me to be more feminine-presenting and "sexual" whereas i wanted to be as masculine and modest as possible (which is definitely how i present now, and i do think with time she's grown to understand that it wasn't a phase). at the same time, i also understood this preoccupation as her just wanting me to be like my peers and not be socially ostracized, whereas my father's homophobia and dislike of my gender presentation i had trouble perceiving as anything but him being disappointed he couldn't control me (again, not entirely deservedly).

there would be a lot to get through here, but essentially: neither of my parents were good to me, my mother was the least bad and we clung to each other like lifeboats, my father i could not bear to be around and me and my sister would try as hard as we could not to go see him or spend time with him, so i adapted to my mother's toxic environment as best as i could. i recognized this situation as bad and unhealthy, and i was itching to leave, literally counting down the days until my graduation when i was 13: leaving home was always my dream, especially since my parents and especially my mother were never able to leave their own, and when it came time to make my decision for university i went to rome in a heartbeat (whenever i complain about this city it is with the utmost understanding that she is my ticket to freedom).

however, i was so excited to sever the umbilical cord around my neck that i underestimated the degree to which i would suffer from it: i obviously did not miss my father, and i missed my sister very much as expected (and she's now all alone in the same hell i was stuck in, so i feel really guilty about leaving her), but i found myself missing home and my mother very intensely, i longed and still long to go back home even though i know for a fact i would be absolutely miserable if i did go back. me and my mother both have been sublimating that same homesickness of each other in a "romantic" way, i guess, missing each other like you would miss a life partner and acting accordingly — i suppose we were life partners, in a way, and i can't help feeling like this even knowing what she put me through, i can't help making excuses for her even though i know the reality of her actions, in a way that doesn't ring true for my father.

basically to answer your question, i feel like this incest thing i have going on is a sublimation or like archetypal rendition of my very complex feelings about my mother and my father: it's not that i want to do anything with them, it's a way my brain has found to cope with their abuse and with my present situation, and while definitely not the healthiest, i don't mind entertaining it for now, since it makes me feel good. i am at a point in my life where i cannot impose restrictions on my mind, so i just let myself feel how i feel and experience the world how i do: i am sure in the future i will think back on this season of my life and cringe, but i hope i will have enough grace towards my past self that i will be able to forgive myself and move on with my life. at the end of the day, i believe everyone is entitled to their feelings and that someone's thoughts are not as important as their actions, so the fact that i feel these things doesn't prevent me from being the person i want to be, especially since i don't go around sharing my thoughts on this in real life and risk actually triggering people. i express my thoughts on the internet because it's the ultimate safeword: if you are an actual victim of incest or someone who's otherwise triggered by incest and my blog understandably makes you upset, you can just close it and block me and never look at it again, just as i do with e.g. eating disorder blogs: this says nothing about us as people, just that we know what we can and cannot bear to see and are able to act accordingly.

i hope this was a somewhat clear explanation and that i answered your question to satisfaction! it goes without saying that my fascination with fictional incest and its horror is somewhat detached from my own incestuous feelings, though there's obviously some overlap insofar as your personal experiences inform the types of art you enjoy: i was as young as 12-14 and fascinated by incest literature, i always understood that fiction and reality were two separate matters (and that fiction can treat horrific topics with the respect and gravity they deserve and that is often absent from real life discussion of those very same topics) — though i am sure my subconscious did pull from those very themes and archetypes i enjoy reading about when it was developing this coping mechanism, that's just how the human mind works.

[songlyricmemes]

OG MCR lyrics ask memes

Feel free to mix and match, edit and adjust. These are just here to get something started whether that’s an IC dialogue ask, plot idea, or drabble.

Do you remember that day, when we met?

You told me this gets harder, well, it did

Promise me that when I'm gone, you'll kill my enemies

I'm taking back the life you stole

And in the end, we'll fall apart just like the leaves changing colors!

What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight

Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal

And you never had a chance

Love it, or leave it, you can't understand

A pretty face, but you do so carry on

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me

I'm just the way that the doctor made me

What's life like, bleeding on the floor

You'll never make me leave

Give me all your poison

Give me all your pills

Give me all your hopeless hearts

Make me ill

You're running after something that you'll never kill

If this is what you want…

Fire at will

Preach all you want, but who's gonna save me?

I keep a gun on the book you gave me

I f you wanted honesty that's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

The photographs your boyfriend took..

Remember when you broke your foot

I'm not okay, I'm not okay

I'm not okay…

You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

I've told you time and time again…

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

Forget about the dirty looks

But you really need to listen to me

Because I'm telling you the truth

I mean this, I'm okay! Trust me

Come with your arms raised high

T hey're never gonna get me

Like a bullet through a flock of doves

To wage this war against your faith in me

Your life will never be the same

We're just two men as God had made us

Too much, too late

Or just not enough of this

Pain in my heart for your dying wish

I'll kiss your lips again

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself

Am I losing myself?

I miss my mom

Nobody knows all the trouble I've seen

What they ask of you will make you want to say, "So long"

Well, I don't remember

Why remember you?

Do you have the keys to the hotel?

Life is but a dream for the dead

And well, I, I won't go down by myself but I'll go down with my friends

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died, we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

At the end of the world or the last thing I see

You are never coming home

Never coming home

Could I? Should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me

Ever get the feeling that you're never all alone?

And I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms, she dies

All the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

All the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

Crash the cemetery gates

In the dress your husband hates

Way down, mark the grave

Where the search lights find us

Drinking by the mausoleum door

They found you on the bathroom floor

I miss you

I won't stop dying

I won't stop lying

If you want, I'll keep on crying

Did you get what you deserve?

Is this what you always want me for?

Stay out of the light

The photograph that I gave you

You can say a prayer if you need to

Just get in line and I'll grieve you

Can I meet you, alone

Another night and I'll see you

Another knife in my hands

A stain that never comes off the sheets

Clean me off

I'm so dirty babe

The kind of dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes

I keep a book of the names

Only go so far 'til you bury them

So deep and down we go

Touched by angels, though I fall out of grace

I did it all so maybe I'd live this every day

It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame

And we'll all dance alone to the tune of your death

We'll love again, we'll laugh again

It's better off this way

And never again…never again

They gave us two shots to the back of the head

We're all dead now

So much better off this way

I can't clean the blood off the sheets in my bed

If you were here, I'd never have a fear

So go on live your life

But I miss you more than I did yesterday

Well I'm a total wreck…almost every day

Don't I look pretty walking down the street in the best damn dress I own?

You're so far away

So c'mon show me how

'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say

We are, made from the sharpest things you'd say

We are young and we don't care

We never wanted it to be this way

For all our lives

Do you care at all?

[cowplant-pizza]

hi jess, first off i’m so sorry you have to read through such nonsense that anon sent you. it’s obvious they don’t know what they’re talking about or else they would have some empathy. i also have a really rare and bad case of rheumatism alongside other diagnoses which make everyday life sometimes unbearable. and i think some people don’t understand how inevitable it is that you have access to your medication bc the pain is so horrible you can’t function at all. on my worst days i wasn’t even able to dress myself let alone brush my teeth bc it felt like my whole body was burning from the inside. so i really, really hope you don’t let those words from them get to you. unfortunately i can’t donate right now. i’m in the same situation as you where i have to decide: medication or food. and trust me anon, this is no fun at all, especially if you have to swallow your pride and ask people for help bc there’s literally no other option! in my experience the government doesn’t give a shit if you’re disabled in this meritocracy. but i wanted to help you somehow, so i subscribed to your youtube channel and watch your videos. i wish you all the best and if you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open for you. 💛

aw bless you. invisible illnesses are so hard because if people can't see the feeling of pain we are having, they just find it really hard to understand. and i get that, but only an extremely mad person would fake this. having these illnesses are debilitating. it's not like sitting at home all day playing video games and getting to pursue hobbies. most of the time is sat questioning why you're even alive because you're in too much pain to do basic tasks and even pursue your most basic hobbies like gaming. hell, i haven't even had the energy to do a youtube video in the past few weeks!

i definitely do not and never will let words like these get to me. i had "friends" and even teachers not believing me when i was off sick from school all the time. i learnt to deal with it and stick up for myself to these people. they are just ignorant and ableist, even if they aren't meaning to be

thank you so much for subscribing to my youtube! it really does help. i'm hoping to be monetised by the end of the year so i can focus on getting better with a little bit of income and not having to ask you guys all the time ♥

[courtzlou07]

My girl

Jj being protective of reader

being the younger sister of John b Routledge wasn't easy, for example he has a set of rules. even tho I'm only a year younger he treats me like I'm 5. his rules 'are to keep me safe' well at least that's what he says, his rules are:

1. no going anywhere without telling him or one of the pouges

2.no drinking unless were at a kegger or a party

3.no hanging out with kooks

and 4 no flirting or dating JJ Maybank.

now you may think there'll pretty easy to follow well 1 - 3 are but 4 is the only I struggle with. I mean if your big brother has a life long best friend who is hot as hell with blue eyes, blond hair , rides a motorbike and is the coolest person you know you tell me how easy it would be not to fall in love with him.

its true that I have been in love with JJ since forever but because of John Bs rule I can't do anything about it. not like I would anyway because there no way he feels the same.

so because of that I have decide to try and get over him by dating and so far it hasn't worked, I've realised that most people on this island are rude and don't care about anyone but themselves but that doest stop me from trying. which leads me to tonight I'm going another date John B is at Sarahs house so I decided this would be the best time to sneak out with jb knowing.

I got ready for dinner with Zac he's a toron here for 2 months he's nice not bad looking and he isn't super rich like kooks but that doesn't matter just means he's not snobby, I put on my little black dress which I know is JJs favourite but its not about him, I put a bit of make up on do my hair in lose curls put on my heels and I'm out the door.

I walk to the wreak which is were one of my best friends Kiara works but I know for a fact that she's not working tonight or else I wouldn't of chose the wreak.

I sit waiting for Zac, he gets there 5 minutes late but he looks very fancy in a white buttoned up shirt and blue jeans with his brown hair slicked back.

"hey y/n" he kissed my cheek and sat down

"hey Zac, how are you?" 

"I'm great what about you ?" I answered good and we started to get ready to order. it was going really well other than he was very touchy he kept touching my hand or brushing his hand over my thigh but I didn't think to much of it so we continued with dinner.

"so y/n how about after desert we go back to my place?" he grabbed my hand from under the table and brang it to his mouth and kissed it.now he was making me very uncomfortable so I excused myself to the bathroom.

I really wanted to go home Zac was freaking me out he wasn't like this the first few times we hung out and I didn't want to walk home alone and I couldn't call John B so I had to call the only other person i could think of , JJ.

"please pick up , please " the phone rang a few times before he picked up 

"hello, JJ "

"hey y/n are you ok?" I explained to him what was going on with Zac all the touching and the invite back to his.

"ok wait there ill be there in 2 minutes" he hung up and say in the bathroom for a minute and thought I should go and get my things from the table. I walked out and could see JJ parking his bike I walked towards the table picked up my bag and began to walk out when I felt a Han grab my wrist really hard.

"where do you think you're going where not done with our date yet" he held on tighter and trie to pull me closer when I felt and arm around my waist and and Zac's let go of my wrist and I automatically knew it was JJ.

"ever and I mean ever touch her again and I will personal send you to hell" JJ pulled me behind him and looked at Zac like he would kill him if he even moved, honestly it was really hot.

"alright man she's all yours " with that he walked back to the table

“Are you ok ?” His eyes raked over my body

" y-yeah I'm fine thanks" he grabbed my hand and led me to his bike and gave me a helmet, I put it on and got on the bike behind him;. it wasn't a far drive back t6o my place and normally jj would be staying there but his dad has been put back in jail so he is at his own house. 

I held on to him as tight as I could holding on to his tank top, he reached behind me and put his hand on my lower back making a warm feeling go throughout my body. I put my hands under his shirt on his abs and layed my head on his shoulder I felt him tense up at my actions but I didn't care I just loved the feeling of being close to him, you could feel the tension between us by the time we stoped all I wanted to do was kiss him. 

I looked up and opened my eyes to see JJs chateau not my own.

"JJ this isn't my house" I looked at him in confusion not that he could see my eyes because of the helmet, he walked towards me and reached for the helmet and took it off my head and through it across the yard

"you can't touch me like that and then expect me to just drop you home, can you ?" he cupped my jaw with his hands his rings cold on my skin, I felt like my skin was on fire as he leans closer to me.

"y/n I have loved you for all my life but because of John Bs stupid rule I couldn't do anything about it but seeing you with that douche bag tonight made me realise I don't give a shit what John B or anyone else says, I love you and I hope you love me to" he looked deep into my eye and I was almost in tears I tired to speak but no words would come out so I did the only thing I could think of.

I pulled him by his shirt and kissed him as I hard as I could never wanting the feeling of his lips on mine to end. 

I pull away even though I don't want to "I love you JJ I always have and always will" I watched the smile grow on his face, he pulls me in by my waist and kiss me gently.

"i'm so happy I really thought you were gonna say 'sorry I don't feel the same' and leave me here like an idiot" JJ says with relief while hugging me with a look of satisfaction on his face.

"seems like you're stuck with me for a while now huh?" I smile up at him kiss him quickly 

" I guess so " he kisses he again then leads me inside of his chateau.

[sparkbird-jewelry]

It took me thirty years to start looking into what really might be wrong with me, or different about my brain. Therapists and doctors seem to avoid getting into actual diagnosis. I’ve taken every medication there is, nothing worked. Diagnosed with side effects like depression, anxiety, aDD. Misdiagnosed by my mother who seemed to know it all. She knows jack about mental health. I’ve suffered years substance abuse, prison lost people to overdose and one after another volatile relationships. After a million videos and lectures on mental health disorders I realized that I meet all the criteria for bpd. You only have to have five of nine. I meet nine. I also meet overlapping criteria for the different types of bpd. So I’m pretty certain I have it. It took the discovery of actual self reflection to realize my emotional reactivity was problematic, not only for myself, but for those closest to me. This search was out of my desire to save one of the best partners I had ever found in my life. This person saved me and he does know it, because I have told him. He supports me in literally every way you could hope a person would. This is somewhat new feeling for me.

While my self exploration started with me, it led to a LOT of problematic issues with other people in my life as well. I ended up stopping contact with my elderly parents. Not for the fact that I don’t love them. But the reactive abuse had become too much. They began to verbally attack my terminally Ill sister as well now, and they had put her health at risk for no real reason other than to make her feel bad, emotionally.

My sister has since moved away again and I lost her all over again. The first time I lost her was when she ran away at 18 to escape the home my parents built. A home of guilt, shame and “misbehaved” daughters “from hell”. My parents always pitted us against each other and we realized this at 45. It’s heart breaking. She is my idol. She was always the literal coolest person to me. I looked up to her secretly and I want her to know how much I admire her for so many reasons. I don’t know how to tell her a lot of these things. But I hope I get the courage someday and I hope I get a chance.

I cut my mom off because I’m angry. I’m tired of feeling like her biggest “problem”. She never made me feel loved or cared for. She stigmatized me for my mental health, my substance abuse, my relationship issues. Forced me onto dangerous medications at eleven and yeah.. I was a Prozac kid. Lucky I didn’t end up in prison for life. She started this nightmare by having us, but that does not mean she gets to end it. I do this time. I love my family, but the pain my mother has caused us all, is sick. I have to watch her abuse my dad daily. My sister, my aunts, uncles, cousins and even close friends. She destroyed everything. Like a narcissistic hurricane. She fat shamed me and then put me on anti depressants but would never admit to being the actual cause of that depression. And worst of all I lost YEARS with my family members that she isolated us from. She chases my family members off and I’m left feeling isolated after her smear campaigns. I’m just done.

Now I have to work on me. I fixed my substance issues. Eleventy years clean now. I still have ocd, control issues, low self esteem, trust and abandonment issues, addiction to tobacco and weed. I still have emotional problems. I still have eating disorders and insomnia. But I’m able now to start fixing those things. I’m not completely alone. I’ve got my favorite person, and my kids. I have my sister to talk to. Some family left that still talks to us a little. I can definitely seek therapy, yet again, and be more direct this time. Looking is hard. These days they don’t even answer the phone when you call in. I have more knowledge and that’s a start. However I’m not going to run off to apologize to my mother for the abuse she put on us. She gets nothing from me. She can go stew about how she’s the victim and I’m the abuser. Let her think what she wants. I’ve seen the rage in her eyes forty years and I’m sorry to let her down, but that rage is not meant for, and should not be directed towards me. And not my sister either. Not today, not ever. She doesn’t get to hurt us anymore. We stand together against the reactive abuse, the how could you’s and the after all I’ve done for you’s. And the why don’t you appreciate me’s. No. You’ve done nothing but damage. How could we possibly appreciate that?

[xxacidbathprincessofdarknessxx]

struggling with emotional permanence is literally hell. like when i come home from having a really fun hang out with someone, it feels like i leave all those good emotions behind, and once im alone i feel so empty. i want to have fun with them again but im too eager and beat myself up when i dont feel whole enough even though im with people i love. sometimes i forget about the gaping void in my chest and actually manage to have a good time, but then thats when i arrive home and find myself alone again, and all the feelings come back. and i realize although i had fun, it didnt feel like me. i didnt feel like i was showing my true self, i felt like i was just hiding my despair, trying to forget about it just to have a laugh or two with people i think arent so bad.

also bc of adhd this makes me struggle sexually, like i have a tendency to only act sexually and flirtatiously around someone if ive been with them or im interested in them/theyre interested in me, and like ill think of them as The Person I Go To For Sex and i have a hard time not being that way around them because well frankly it gives me a lot of stimulation, and when im with friends i want to have as much fun as we can really. i guess i hold myself to high expectations because i want to have a fun time so i try to make it fun by i guess doing a thing with them that i find very stimulating. my friends and partners have always been an escape from school and family problems for me so i guess thats another reason why i wanna go wild with them every time we hang out.

idk. im at a weird point in my life, people are taking genuine interest in me and im over here, cant seem to feel anything good for them and i feel horrible about it. i wanna have a healthy relationship but the last person i opened up to made me feel like i grew codependent on them and im still healing from that. i still feel too needy and greedy and childish and selfish and like theres something terribly wrong with me, but like im still making myself hang out and meet people as much as i can because i have two choices, give up or keep trying, and at least trying keeps me on my feet and going to new places and it gets me to tomorrow, and with the new day comes new thoughts and new scenarios, and you cant control that inevitably, things will change. i may feel this way now, i may feel worse tomorrow, but life always grows from death. success comes from defeat. i will keep trying.

despite everything, its still me.

[boy-under-the-sage-bush]

From what I know, I have no clue why this happening. I believe it’s due to her birthday being tomorrow and then the song we used to listen to together. I have no clue what will happen if I listen to the artist we both liked, I’m scared to, I’m already feeling the sensation in my stomach, it’s been happening a lot more lately, first it scared with when Mr S was around and that was simply because I didn’t want to get in trouble for my piercings but now it’s constant and never ending. I always feel like throwing up or crying, I can hardly breath in this school and it hurts every inch of my body. Maybe I should get more help but I just can’t, I don’t know who to turn to or how to get people to believe me. How am I meant to be an adult when I cannot even look a man in the eye?

Sometimes I wonder if I will actually leave this town, leave my home, leave everything behind… But I don’t think I can, I know this here, it’s peaceful and understandable. I wanna be able to support my mother, support my spending habits, support myself but I don’t have it in me to become a 9-5er, I cant let myself become one of those people, I need to become something, something that’ll make my family proud but I’m lazy and I don’t know what’s happening around me. I just sit here and stare at a pc screen, letting the world go by.

Hell sometimes I wonder if I’m actually meant to do anything with my life… sometimes I wonder if I’m even alive, everything around me makes me so nervous and sick, I feel like I’m alone in a world full of lonely people but in  a different way, the way you feel alone when you don’t know anyone at a party or the way you feel alone when you go to school and now of your friends are there, the kind of lonely that happens when your friend group don’t include you in the discussion but you’re still sitting with them. I feel the kind of lonely that makes life seem darker, more morbid, even sadder and crueller than what you woke up in. Is it really the life an 18yr old is meant to be living? Is it the kind of life that anyone should be living?

I read once that people with mental illness simply see the world for how it truly is, not how everyone wants to see it. I relate to that, everyone talks about how year 12 is the most important thing but how can it be when kids are literally trying to kill themselves in school bathrooms or kids are dropping out because teachers have given up on them. In what world is what we look like more important then if we want to kill ourselves or if we’re about to fail school? I wonder if they really care about the students they have, sometimes I look around at my classmates and think “How have we gotten this far?” I like to think that it’s because we all have at least one person who cares but looking around even closer at these kids… I don’t think they do, the eating disorders, the bullying, all the failing classes. No one cares about us, they just care about how we represent them has parents, teachers, and schools.

Everything about the kids I go to school with says that maybe I’m right, maybe I’m not meant to be someone, maybe I’m just meant to live in a cottage and be a hermit, someone people tell their kids “oh I don’t know what happened to him”, maybe I’m meant to die, someone who tried so hard that he burnt out, someone whose life was simply for the good times and not the long times, someone who is meant to be a memory and not someone in people’s lives. A sweet memory of an easier time.

I think about this often, just as often as I think of my best friend, a young man studying biology in the city, four hours away from me. He’s my best part: nice, helpful, intelligent, and friendly. Or I’m the bad parts of him; loud, standoffish, annoying, angry, obsessive. It doesn’t matter, we’re two parts of a puzzle that was maybe never meant to be complete.

[lipiaknight]

A document of all the abuse ive been dealing with.

Mobility aids

ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute" ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different" for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one" run down to vent chat if you want a very long and in dept explination as to why that is problematic hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Isolation and lack of aid

Yeah, when my car broke down, i asked if they could help pay to fix my car so i could still work. That way i could get a job in tulsa. I was told no. Every time i asked to borrow the car, and said i could handle something myself, i was forced to have bf or gf go with me. Any time i asked specifically to go alone so i could run errands like get shots, set up appointments and such, i was told no. I even went out of my way to schedule my last doctors appointment when they werent going to be home bcause they had a date and they cancled it so they would be there when i left and when i got back. I planned on walking home and enjoying the sunny day, but they didnt let me walk because it was too far. Not even a mile, and i had my crutches. I tried making friends at my old workplace, but i was working with my bf as the manager, and he repremanded the one friend i had for wasting time on the clock while chatting with me. Its why i have no friends.

The original "i need help" summary

so, first things first. Im not able to work a job down here. I cant make any money, and so because the people im living with refuse to help with medical expences, all my tests and medical equipment is getting stalled. I dont even have my own dresser because ive been told to "get it yourself" when i have no reasonable way to make money. The only thing i can reliably do is comissions and streaming, and even then, income isnt consistant, and its barely enough to cover the medical expences i have. On top of that, when we needed to budget, one of the things that were "limited" were meal replacement shakes, which, when i have days i cant eat at all, is the only way i get neutriance in my system. Im scolded and yelled at when i dont push my body to the point of collapsing, and when i do collapse, im coddled like a child because im injured when it could have been prevented. When i said that what im experiancing is financial abuse because they refuse to support me in the ways that i need and my EBT card is used without my knowlege, my bf threatened to get violent. Even directly told me he wanted to wake me by putting a hole through the door. Im not allowed to vent to friends, and all my social media is watched without my consent, even after i tell them not to because of how my therapist taught me to manage my anger. When i got angry about the ableism and abuse, i was told i have narsisstic, self victimising tendancies, and im scared that ill be put in a place where not even my basic needs are met. its been slowly getting worse and worse over the past 2 years, but i finally feel like its bad enough to reach out

Boundry crossing

i told (my gf) not to go through my DM's when i first moved in because 1) i dont have my old groomers blocked, and i have (cw, grooming bullshit) pictures and messages of me when i was a minor in various states of undress, places where i vent and say things in the worst possible way thanks to autism and the way i process language (example calling it financial abuse when im not given an allowance to buy medical supplies and not having a consistant income as well as them taking my EBT card and using it without my input) and also just... generally flirting with ppl because im poly and i know she has jealousy issues, and instead of respecting that, she did it anyway, and didnt feel guilty till bf said he was dissapointed in her. THEN she told me, and was STILL angry about the way i talked about her, and what i said

unreasonable list of responcibilities while my needs are sidelined

Me: ah yes, My disability making me unable to do chores is the problem, and not the internalised ableism that you aknowlege and refuse to confront because youre tired from work. Get into therapy/nbh context: the only ongoing argument between my gf and i is that she wants me to clean more. The expectations of me are, and i quote

-vaccum every 3 days (the vaccum is to heavu and i have repepatedly asked for a lighter one so i can)

-wash and put away the dishes (hands over head make me pass out. I have broken dishes before. That and i have alot of trauma around doing dishes as a task, so i get really bad anxiety and they ignore me asking for comfort)

-feed, water, animals as well as take care of litter (but im not alowed to claim the animals are mine? because that makes her upset?)

-take out trash every other day (trash doesnt filll that often, and ive been fighting for me to have healther food and drinks so theres less waste. I create less than a quarter of the waste in this house)

-meal prep for BF to cook (and also make their work lunches, and take care of portioning ect)

ALL OF THIS while also having a physical disability that makes it incredibly difficult to stand / walk without pain, in a house that is so unaccessable that- on days i can get out of bed but barely, i cant leave my room because of steps and caving in floors, and STILL doing my youtube, twitch, AND comission carreer. Shes getting upset that im not able to do it all and is CONSTANTLY lecturing me because she "doesnt want to treat (me) like a child, but (im) acting like one by not helping out" i cant even fucking move away because theres no accessable jobs in my area and my previous jobs arent an option anymore because of how covid affected the people i worked for. i keep telling her to get into therapy for her PTSD and for her ableism, but ONE failed therapist appointment means she compleatly fucking dropped out. what makes it worse is that my BF is encouraging this behavior. by not telling her off i mean

Person 1: that's too much chores like objectively that is a not sustainable or normal amount of chores. also the animal thing is concerning too

Me: BuT tHeY wOrK 8 hOuRs a DaY. i ShOuLd Be AbLe To HaNdLe It (translation: but they work 8 hours a day. I should be able to handle it)

Person 1: she also shouldn't be infantilizing you for having issues regulating a large amount of tasks. are they much older than you?. youre still quite young, is that your first time living alone?

Me: im 20. shes 35 and hes 38 (yes i recognise how problematic that is)

Person 2 (responding to person 1) Definitely not for sure. Might be reasonable for an able bodied person maybe, but definitely not reasonably with your disability.

Person 1: age gaps can work when the relationship is built on trust, communication, and understanding.

Person 1 (responding to person 2): meal prep plus dishes plus vacuuming every three days is already a not normal amount

Me (responding to person 1): kinda? i lived in an apartment with a roomate before this, but she was a VERY tidy person, and we both owned very few things, and the apartment was highly accessable. The bathroom was even a reporpoused walk in closet, so i could have had a wheelchair if i wanted at the time and been able to navigate fine

Person 2: Everyone in my house has allergies, especially to dust, and my mom only vacuums once a week, so every 3 days seems ridiculous.

Me: we have 3 animals that we dont groom, and theyre allergic to pollen. They want me to care for the pollen... instead of... i dunno, not getting a hottub and saving up for an air purifier?

Person 1: this is sounding more and more like they want a live-in cleaner. them choosing to work 8 hour shifts does not mean you don't get to have choices and a life

Me: BTW, did i mention they got a hottub? like... less than a week ago? after i had been asking for a fucking dresser for months because i dont have anywhere to put my clean clothes and towels and the pet hair on my skin after i shower causes meltdowns

Person 2: Chores should be split equitably, not equally. (2 people responded with a This emote)

Me: it doesnt even have to be brand fucking new. I will be happy with a 50$ dresser covered in shitty paint from goodwill. i just need a place i can put my clean clothes. Also, did i mention that theres wasps on the back porch, where the drier is? and my family has a history of being allergic to wasps? so i panic when i go out there to wash, dry and put away laundry that i cant even fucking put away, and they treat it like im fucking manipulating them. im sorry that i dont know if im allergic or not and ther seriousness of the allergy has put people in the er and even killed family members, and im not willing to risk that. They like "just do laundry at night" as if its not too cold to walk outside. THEY DONT EVEN DO LAUNDRY AT NIGHT BECAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING COLD. they expect my coping mechanisms to make me healthy and normal. They dont realise im fucking coping, not healing.

Me (responding to person 2): but its easy for them! should be easy for me!! /sarc

Person 1: (My name censored) I gotta say this doesn't sound like a safe situation for you to be in. (person 2 agrees)

Me: its not. It never fucking was. Heres a bit of fun math for you! i turn 21 in august. my bf and i's 3 year anneversary will be the following january. my options at the time when i moved in with them were to either move back in with my mom (which was objectivly worse than this) or drive 14 hours, alone (because my gf didnt want to drive an hour in the snow to fly bf to drive with me) and have a place to stay with people who said they loved me, or become houseless. I was in a tripple loose situation. and now im fucking stuck. Im undervalued, scolded constantly, unsafe due to both location and their behavior, and unable to work or drive because my junker of a car died. Im stuck and theres nothing i can do. i just... im tired. i dont want to be here. I want to be able to move somewhere that i will be safe and get the care i need

More information on the "messing with my disability aids" from earlier

Me: ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute". i just-...

Person A: ????? thats so fucked up

Person B: What the actual fuck??

Person A: "seeing you struggle to walk even more than usual is amusing to me" thats what that means

Person B: "I broke your kneecaps because it's adorable watching you struggle 📷"

Person A: my wife wont even touch my mobility aids without asking

Me: ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different"

Person A: that's.......not the same thing... one is getting dressed and ready to go out somewhere, and the other is being harassed and having to fix what was messed up

Me: for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower. its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one". hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Person C: i’ll beat his ass

Me: i would encourage it, but im still living with him. not yet. gimme 2 months

Person A: i hate to ask this kind of question, but if hes treating you that way is not being with him an option?

Me: siigh. (not at you, jsut alot of info hang on)

Person A: u don't have to answer if u don't want to. no pressure

Me: so, i am working on running away. In order to do so, ive done the math and to get on my feet, ill need between 2 and 2.5k$. 2.5k if were including transportation (my food will be covered by SNAP) I have a plane tiket out on the 20th, and i have a place to stay. Im not sharing my entire plan in this discord because my discord DM's are read. Not my servers, though, but im not willing to play with the chances of my plan being ruined. Im working on getting a job now, and fundraising to get the 2.5 needed to cover my first months expences via both comissions and donations, but its not going anywhere. im at 400 now. Thats it. if i break up with him, ill be kicked out. If i bring up the fact that im being abused, he will get violent. He already has in the past and swung at me. I cant work where i live due to lack of a car and lack of accessable jobs. Im in the process of running away now. just takes time. "why dont you get out sooner?" saving money takes time. Plus, my aunt is the one buying the ticket. I want to avoid holiday prices. more likely ill get a bit extra once im down here "what took you so long to realise it was bad?" love bombing and getting into a relationship with a 35 and 37 year old at 18 when i didnt know their ages and they didnt say when asked, "Has he hit you before?" no. Hes swung and missed, hit walls, put holes in doors and furnature, but hasnt techincally hit me yet. I dont expect that to last. "are you safe right now?" as long as i keep my head down and mouth sut about my plans, yes. Ill be fine (edited)

Person A: wow, im sorry you're having to go through that, but im proud of you for taking the steps you're taking. its incredibly difficult to do what youre doing, but you'll be better off for it (edited)

Me: i just wish the fundraising was working. also, clearifying that ill be leaving january 20th, not dec 20th

Person A: i hope you're able to make up the money

Me: ive been referring to it as "the 20th" with my friends to make it harder to discern. Also, all of my dm's about the situation have been in code, as well as cyphered. for F, i just use enji, for T i use enji plus a 6- cypher, and pictography using emotes plus enji for M1 (names of my friends cencored for my safety)

Person A: that's pretty cool!

Me: this is now the third time ive had to run away somewhere else for my own safety. Its jut the first time ive had to do so with so few resources. Im really good at runaway notes, cryptography, and secret messages. when i post on tiktok, i use the simplist secret code there is so my bf and gf cant see it. just... write out your message with the first letter of a sentance

My public harrassment being brushed off and ignored

Me: The thing that pisses me off, is the one time I tried to use the scooter at Walmart because I was shopping for he house alone for the first time in a while, I got scolded by an employee for not walking. When I explained that I hurt myself getting out of my car, otherwise I would use my mobility aids, she said "if you're hurt, go to the doctor. Don't be lazy" then stormed off. This was before I was medicated for my anxiety, so I just had a panic attack. I mean... How does one even respond to that???

Person W: run her over

Person Y: eat her

Person X: (replying to person W) Not with the scooter, with a car

Me: This is the same worker who saw me without my cane on a good day and asked where it was because, and I quote "I thought all you crippleds need those"

Person Y: wtf

Person Z: Going to a doctor isn't an immediate thing. You don't get hurt and then immediately see a doctor and immediately get treated. It doesn't work like that. And injuries don't immediately go away the moment that you see a doctor either.

Person Y: also has she considered that not all people have access to doctors

Person Z: ^this too

Person Y: ALSO has she considered that doctors can be busy and not have time to see you

Me: She's also the same one who told me I wasn't allowed to wear the demoldable skates I like to use when my mobility is low because I can just lock my knees and be dragged around. Like a wheelchair, but worse!

Person X: You should report her to management. (4 people reacted with a "this" emote)

Me: Fun fact! I am allowed to wear them in Walmart, it's perfectly fine. There's a size limit to the wheels allowed indoors, but it's allowed.

Person W: this is some sort of harassment

Me: Probably.

Person W: you can report it

Person X: this woman never speak again challenge

Me: She doesn't bother me when I'm with my bf and gf, so I didn't bring it up due to anxiety, and Havnt talked to her since I got on meds, but I'm just thinking, and just.... Fuck, man... I let alot of shit slide because of my anxiety in the past that I shouldn't have

Person W: did you tell your partners? they both may be able to help you report it

Me: I did, but their responce was basically "just don't talk to her, you basically never leave the house anyway" which is true, but it was annoying to hear. I dunno, I can't really go anywhere on my own as is, so it's not like anything changes considering how uncomfy she makes me, but still....

threats of violence

M1: The other day I realized That your bf and gf are my siblings in law kind. I think I will show my love by being feral toward them. I will just growl at them and bite them but in a fond way. except your gf. She scares me. Just a little. Not too much because I’m the biggest man

Me: they dont really like you

M1: that’s valid actually. I was just joking. being silly if you will. I’m sorry I didn’t know- I thought they did like me- I was trying to warm up to them and shit /gen. It’s okay that they don’t like me though that’s fine

Me: (context, i had taken an edible to manage my anxiety) Ok, i need to type this out while im still sober, its important. i told them about your financial abuse thing, and it made them both angry. Bf violently so. they basically said to stay out of our relationship, so they dont like you. As far as they know, im not talking to you for a few days. In reality, i wasnt talking to anyone relly, not just you

M1: Oh. I don’t like that they don’t like me because of that.

Me: same here

M1: They don’t have to like me because I’m annoying and not chill n shit. That’s fine. But because I said that they were abusive? And telling me to stay out of it? That’s fucked. I don’t feel like you’re safe there. I don’t like that. Be careful. I wish I could help but the only thing I could do is ask someone to help me help you financially get out. And you don’t know my parents like that and you wouldn’t want their help

Me: Bf desnt want to be called an abuser period. His ex claimed he was an abuser and still uses that as a method of earning money.

M1: that is…. A red flag. so is his ex don’t get me wrong

Me: he was really angry when he heard that. He told me that if it werent for his "spirtual council" (the spirits helping to manage his anger) he would have "put a hole through that door to wake you. Thats how angry i was". He seriously scared me, so i havnt talked to him much since

M1: That’s bad. That’s really bad. You know that right? Like that’s not good

Me: yeah

M1: Okay cool just checking. You wanna leave? Do you want out?

Me: im not entirely sure, if im being honest. i care alot alot, and i do love them, but what he said made me litterally feel sick.

M1: I know

Me: they emphasised that if the idea that they were abusive came from me and not you, the options were to 1) kick me out, 2) force me to get a job and start paying rent and break up with me, or to "call your mom, and have her come pick you up"

M1: That’s horrible. They’re fucking horrible. and I know you love them and I’m sorry

Me: im just... so scared. I know i cant support myself with how bad my body is. and i love them so much. The way Bf kept talking about being so mad he wanted to hurt me, then immedantly relaxed when he heared that the idea came from you.... Fuck, now i remember why these memories were kept from me lol

Closing thoughts

There is so much more, but when i made the deicision to run away, alot of my messages were deleted for my own safety while i make plans. As written above, My DM's are read, and my main account on here is also read without my consent. If you happen to have advice, Please hit up my DM's

[blessedshortcake]

Rant about school

I am so fucking tired of teachers not giving a shit about students. I am tired of them treating us like shit and you may say I am dramatic but just this week my math teacher told the class twice that he does not care what we do in class because he is both getting paid and gonna retire anytime he wants to. That it does not matter to him if only 1 kid graduates or the whole class because his pay is the same. Our class average was a 2 (that's a D for you Americals out there) last year, most of us are barely passing.

I am tired of teachers treating their classes as the most important one out there. I AM IN CULINARY SCHOOL I DONT CARE ABOUT HISTORY. Yes its important to know but its not the MOST IMPORTANT out of my classes. Stop giving us 4 pages of homework for a class thats tomorrow. Stop telling us to put more time into your class when you know we have 8 other ones. I had 9 classes today I barely have the energy to exist right now let alone sit down and study for my classes coming up.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Teachers tell us to come in while ill because they can handle it so we can too. "Just pop a painkiller". I want to cry. LITERALLY half of my class is sick right now because we can not stay home without being shamed for it or falling behind. Its our what? Second week? And I already had 2 tests. What the fuck.

Back in 5th grade I was told, no, yelled at by my classmaster that the death of my grandmother does not entitle me to fall behind with my classes. Back in 5th grade where I had just been told that my grandfather is also ill and that my father is also ill (stuff i wont detail). Back in a grade I can not remember because it was so fucking stressful and traumatic. I don't even know if it was actually 5th grade! Could have been 6th but hell that does not make it any better does it? I was what? 13 at the VERY most? How do you look a 13 year old in the face and fucking yell at them about that?

Its so frustrating to hear teachers talk about how there is a teacher shortage and its so hard for them to find people to educate us then turn around and spit in our faces that they dont give a shit. This country already has an outdated teaching system that makes getting an education harder than it should be. There are no help for kids with disabilities of ANY kind. I am just tired of having to fight every single day just to be treated a liiiiitle better than human garbage by adults who regret their life decisions and have no other outlet to take it out.

I have been burnt out for years and its bad again. I keep messing up basic shit about my life like my own grade. I am in class B not class C yet i argued to a teacher that i am in C. I keep forgetting things that people tell me minutes before I move somewhere. I physically cannot focus no matter how hard I try. I cant even talk about it to my teachers since they will just tell me I should rest then turn around to tell me I need to stop being lazy and push myself more. ALL my friends are either at home and sick or come to school while sick. (Hell I dont know how I am not sick yet with my immune system being weaker than a tomato.)

They don't care about us they care about their pay checks. I feel like crying.

[joysbaereal]

Never Again

Chapter 15- The Mall

PAIRING: Choi Beomgyu x fem reader; fem reader x ???

SYNOPSIS: You and Beomgyu break up every other day but what happens when you decide moving on would be better for you.

GENRE: angst, crack (maybe?) SMAU.

WARNINGS: Toxic Relationship, Cheating, Gaslighting, Substance abuse, death jokes, Beomgyu and you are assholes, suggestive, yall both are really bad for each other, crude or disrespectful language

Written, word count: 300+

Your POV

So here I am alone in the mall wondering why the hell Yeojun couldn’t have just asked Taehyun or Soobin to take care of him. Why’d it have to be MY boyfriend, Beomgyu isn’t even that good at taking care of people I would know because when I get sick he makes it even worse. But I HAVE to get the shoes for my birthday. So I cant reschedule and its not like Beomgyu isn’t gonna be the one taking them off of me. I walk into my favorite shoe store and look at all the pink ones. The shoes have to go good with the dress the last thing I need is to look like a clown on my birthday. As I walk around the store I see a couple walk in… OMG you have to be fucking kidding me

??? (1) Pov

I cant believe im doing this right now. Id rather be with y/n and having fun with her. But here I am stuck with this girl I could care less about. Infact I’d rather be home right now than walking around the mall looking for who knows what. Gosh this girl is indecisive shes gone to two different stores. She leads me around the mall and We walk into a lingerie store. Idk if this is her way of flirting with me but I don’t like it one bit but while we’re walking I see two people who I think are kissing in the store and I make eye contact with… Oh shit whats he doing here. Better question what’s he doing here with her?

??? (2) Pov

Shit shit shit he saw me. I try to hide behind the hangers as the girl I’m with goes back to shopping. This is so emarrasing what the fuck.. but wait what is he doing with... My thoughts are cut off by the annoying girl next to me “Do you think this would look good on me?” It was a cute sundress and it didn’t look bad on her but it would look better on y/n. I should stop doing this before I get caught in my thoughts by- “Helllo im speaking to you are you listening do I look good or not” she says in an irritated tone “Yeah yeah you look great” I say taking myself out of my daze. She buys what she wants and she leaves the store but before we leave the mall I get a glance at the one and only.. shit it’s y/n.

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<<Previous ||Chapter 15|| Next>>|| Masterlist

im back yall im gonna try and be more consistent with my updates ik i up and left last time but ill try also which question mark do u think is Beomgyu and which one is Jaehyun🙈

[floodwarning]

i have been overthinking about death

tw??

specifically feeling shame when it comes to young girls.

i was in positions where it should've been me. and then i think if i would've gotten any jsutice. i feel like if something terrible happened to little me, the town would talk about how i did it to myself. or that i deserved it.

there was this girl (well call her Mia) that i met in a group of friends in 2017. she was with a good friend of mine, a sketchy guy and another girl ill call liz.

weeks after "meeting" her, my good friend tells me that mia and liz had been spreading rumors about me and gossiped about typical teenage girl drama. Confused that i never met these girls, but i knew i was already doomed for female friendships.

fast forward to august, i am acting out and behaving poorly. 16 year old me gets into a 2 door with two 19 year olds that loved to flex their fast cars & booze. after praying in the backseat we got back to their apartment where they drunkenly fought over who was going to attempt to have. s3x with me. i tricked the dumb one and snuck off at 5 am when everyone was sleeping.

a week later i get a call from someone that one of the 19 year olds crashed & killed a 17 year old girl at 6 am. it was mia.

i felt detached. i felt really emotionally numb and guilty. thinking that it could've been me, but now feeling so much guilt for a girl that dented my reputation. for a while i had hoped that i switched her places. she was older than me, almost graduating. i was young and disobeying my father, barley passing the 10th grade.

i went to her funeral. i seen her swollen lifeless body. she was buried in her prom dress. her brother was standing stiff with nothing behind his eyes. for a moment i felt his pain.

the sketchy guy who i had mentioned, we can call him J.

J was the cutest. He was tall, had fitting tattoos, and all of the girls here thought he was so handsome. That night i met liz & mia, he taught my bestfriend and i how to smoke a cigarette. Bad older boy with a car?! Yes!

My bestfriend and i smoked weed for the first time one day, and we were stoned for literal hours. We begged J to take us home. On our way home, we realized he missed a turn. And he dropped us off at the mall ( at closing time) and left us there.

I didn't know why I couldn't swoon J. Just like me already!!! It makes me laugh thinking back on it. But also slightly upset.

I was at a halloween party, when i noticed J looking bored. I asked him to hit up another party & he agreed. On our way he asked if I just wanted to crash at his place since he had a long day. I agreed.

We went back to his house & he had given me a hoodie and boxers. I felt safe. I told him that i was shy, and a virgin and that i take it slow. We laid listening to a movie, making out. we fell asleep. i said goodbye to his mother leaving his house in the morning & she complimented my crocs. she called me pretty.

That night i had so much adrenaline. I kept checking my phone. I received a dm from 3 or 4 people and my heart sank.

J is telling people that i r*ped him in his truck. that was my first ever panic attack. I couldnt even kiss a boy first, let alone have sx with him without his consent? long story short, that was devastating and i never thought everyone would believe his word over mine.

I bring J up also because, well, a few months later he also passed away in a horrific accident. and here i am, feeling guilty, again.

with my ocd, i can start believing false memory. to hear rumors about myself over and over is so difficult because i will start to question my own reality. I fought with that, and what J said about me, for a long long time.

i wish i knew a word other than guilty. i really do. i think about these poeple who i was not close with, but i shared some really traumatic experiences with. both of which, unfortunately, made my life a living hell. am i to blame to say i felt a slight relief? do i try to validate that feeling by saying "well i do feel an urge to beg whatever higher power out there to switch me places with them" . both thoughts make me feel terrible.

after all of these pillow thoughts you may say. damn bitch you need therapy. well, luckily its going 3 years strong. i think i need to dig deeper though. I am working on family based trauma, but without opening up these deep voids of tramatic experiences i got myself into ( with the help of neglectful parents i suppose) i dont think i can get to the deep rooted family issue without processing what all happened to me as a vulnerable girl growing up amongst other boys and girls.