#which i think relates to the whole 'lack of manners' thing

[upsidedowngrass]

ALMOST done with :  | compilation. after im done i already wanna do a liam smiling compilation, but i think i should do liam crying compilation and liam angry compilation bc i think that would ALSO lend itself well to future analysis!!!!

[hairtusk]

i'm curious to know your thoughts on pulling apart problematic feminist canon, it's something i don't have a lot of experience with. like dworkin is obviously famous for her writing against porn and irl harassment of sex workers but she also wrote Right Wing Women which seems to be foundational and very correct when talking about gender and the far right. i haven't heard of of her discussion of pedophilia and bestiality, but she clearly wasn't afraid of controversial topics.

you seem, for lack of better words, smart about this kind of thing and i'd love to know how you think about these tensions!

This is a very interesting question. Unfortunately, before I can even begin to get into this topic, I need to address a few key points of your above.

'... like dworkin is obviously famous for her writing against porn and irl harassment of sex workers but she also wrote Right Wing Women which seems to be foundational and very correct...'

The wording in your above is very odd to me. The 'but' here seems to insinuate that, while Dworkin's work in Right Wing Women is 'correct', she is 'wrong' for her writings against 'sex work' and pornography.

Firstly, I refuse to use the terminology of 'sex worker', as I believe it normalises the idea that men can buy access to the bodies of women. I am firmly of the belief that consent cannot be bought, and that if consent is not given freely and without coercion, it is rape. Money is coercion. If sex can be bought, then rape is just wage theft, and I refuse to be party to that idea. That being said, I have enormous compassion and respect for women who are currently, or who have formerly been, prostituted. I want them to have access to dignity, respect, safety and protection in law, as far as is physically possible.

I hold the same view of pornography. People have always enjoyed watching other people have sex - this is inescapable, and I have no problem with the sensual or the erotic. However, the erotic and the pornographic hold no relation to one another - please read this short Gloria Steinem essay for more clarity on what I mean by this [source 1]:

I firmly believe that there is absolutely no ethical or moral way to establish an industry based on pornography. It is inherently exploitative and degrading, especially to women and homosexual men. Even if there are women who freely consent to appear in pornography (and I don't believe that's possible in our current society), I believe that even if one women was exploited, trafficked, coerced or forced into it that the whole industry should be abolished. Nobody's orgasm is more important than the safety, dignity, or health of a woman. This goes for both pornography and prostitution.

So, you can see how I find it difficult to answer your question in good faith when you posit that Dworkin's work fighting pornography and prostitution are somehow 'incorrect' or wrong. Indeed, I believe one of Dworkin's best essays details the exploitation of prostitution, and how it normalises rape. See the below pages for a taste of how she tackles this subject [source 2] and find more in her book Pornography: Men Possessing Women (1981):

Another vitally important point - you say that Dworkin was famous for her 'irl harassment of sex workers.' However, Dworkin was, in your words, a 'sex worker.' See the below extract of an article by Catherine Bennett in The Observer [source 3]:

Additionally, I can find absolutely no evidence that Dworkin ever 'harrassed' prostituted women or men, and, if you've ever seen her interviewed, you would know that she is incredibly gentle and soft spoken. Please watch the below video of Dworkin appearing on After Dark, to observe her manner of debate:

It's very funny, because the amount of misinformation spread about Dworkin floating around the internet has resulted in this [source 3, ibid.]:

I would be extremely interested in whether you could provide a legitimate source for her 'harrassment', beyond her academic and political criticism of the so-called 'sex industry'.

I really do appreciate that you say I seem educated on this particular topic. And I would, absolutely in good faith, be interested in answering your main question, if you still care to hear my opinion. However, you can see why I had to clear up these topics above, to make my stance absolutely blatant before we delve into more complex feminist politik.

Bibliography:

Bennett, Catherine, 'Doubts About Dworkin', The Observer, 8th June 2000 (https://www.theguardian.com/books/2000/jun/08/society) [accessed 12th September 2024] [source 3]

Dworkin, Andrea, 'Whores', in Pornography, Men Possessing Women (New York: 1981, The Women's Press) pp. 203-204 [source 2]

Feminist VHS Archive, After Dark: What is Sex For?, Online Video Recording, YouTube, 2022 [link] [accessed 12th September 2024]

Steinem, Gloria, 'Erotica and Pornography: A Clear and Present Difference', in Take Back the Night: Women on Pornography, ed. Laura Lederer (New York: Morrow Quill Paperback, 1982) pp. 35-39 [source 1]

[the-virgoperspective]

Part 1

Mercury is the planet of communication and of the mind; it is one of the most important planets in a composite chart. The placement of Mercury in the composite houses can indicate how effectively and in what manner you and another person communicates as one. A harmonious aspect and house placement for Mercury in the composite chart can be very beneficial to any bond. It’s important to check both the house placement and the aspects to this planet to see how communication manifests within any bond you may be looking at.

I will be using the writings of Robert Hand from his novel “Planets in Composite: Analyzing Human Relations” to describe the meaning and significance of the Moon in each composite house. Please always keep in mind that this is only one vital step to reading an entire composite chart and should not be seriously considered without viewing everything as a whole. This is just one piece. Enjoy!

1H Composite Mercury

Mercury in the first house of the composite chart indicates that in this relationship communication and community of ideas should play an important part. Not that the relationship will be just an intellectual one, but communication and intellect will be important factors. Therefore this is an excellent placement for all relationships involving business or commerce in any form. However, it does no harm in a personal relationship, which often suffers from a lack of real communication. That should not be a problem for you. The first-house Mercury is usually a sign that your minds are compatible, and you are capable of thinking almost as one person.

Of course, this placement is also excellent for any relationship that involves writing or working on a cooperative intellectual venture. It will be important to keep alive the intellectual interests you share. Together you will be interested in the world around you and constantly wanting to explore and examine new aspects of its variety.

2H Composite Mercury

Composite Mercury in the second house has two different meanings. Either the two of you value things of the mind, or you put a lot of mental effort into what you possess or otherwise value.

If the first of these is true in your case, it means that as a couple you value books, musical instruments, radios, television, audio equipment, or other materials with which you can entertain or stimulate your minds. Or on a more abstract level, the two of you may value ideas and intellectual principles.

If the second possibility is more correct, you both will spend a good deal of time managing the property that you own in common, and you will put a lot of effort into it. In an individual’s birth chart, a second-house Mercury signifies cleverness and intelligence in the handling of money. That should also be the case in a composite chart.

Since it is likely that the two of you do value things of the mind or have rather strong opinions about what you do value, or is very important that you come to some kind of agreement about these matters early in the relationship. Otherwise, disputes over such matters are likely to crop up later on.

3H Composite Mercury

Composite Mercury in the third house can be extremely valuable in a relationship, because it assures easy and complete communication between you. Many otherwise sound associations are weakened because two people cannot say the simple things that keep a relationship going smoothly. This should not be a problem for the two of you. In fact, you have a strong need to communicate with each other, and it is likely that you first came together because of some intellectual affinity.

Not only do the two of you have a strong need to exchange ideas and opinions, but you also like to be with others and exchange ideas with them. You have a great liking for all kinds of mental and intellectual interaction with your environment. You do not like to stay off by yourselves but prefer to get out and talk and have a good time.

The only thing you should be wary of is letting the cheerful and often superficial banter of Mercury replace the deeper, more significant communication that any successful relationship requires. Mercury works so easily on a light level that you may be reluctant to delve any deeper. If you can avoid intellectual and emotional superficiality, you should have an excellent mental and intellectual rapport with each other.

4H Composite Mercury

Mercury in the fourth house of a composite chart indicates that the two of you are able to communicate about your deepest feelings and the most deeply buried attributes of your relationship, matters that normally would be unconscious. This is because the fourth house rules the deepest, most internal aspects of things. You can share your thoughts about how your relationship is working and what is at the heart of it. You should have an unusual intellectual awareness of each other’s feelings.

The fourth house also rules one’s home-in this case the home you set up together, if that is appropriate to your relationship. Since Mercury rules thought and communication, this placement means that you are likely to make your home as intellectually stimulating as possible. You will surround yourself with fine books or whatever else interests you, such as materials for hobbies or crafts. You are also fond of having people get together in your home for good stimulating conversation.

As is usual when Mercury is in a position that concerns feelings, the only real danger here is that you may over-intellectualize the deeper inner aspects of yourselves. Your inner feelings may come to exist purely as ideas rather than as part of your daily experience. Try not to analyze yourselves or your relationship too much.

If this warning is heeded, a fourth-house Mercury can be very helpful, precisely because it does help to improve communication about your feelings and inner selves, which in most relationships are difficult to discuss.

5H Composite Mercury

Mercury in the fifth house of the composite chart indicates that as a couple you are attracted to intellectual modes of recreation and self-expression. You enjoy talking to each other, not just to communicate what must be said, but also because you really enjoy talking. You both enjoy conversation with others and activities such as going to the theater and concerts or just being together and reading good books.

The fifth house is also the house of children and their education. If you have children, you will pay close attention to their education, making sure that they have all the right opportunities and are surrounded by the proper influences. Just be sure that you do not educate them intellectually to the point of neglecting their emotional growth. They must learn to be complete individuals.

The fifth-house Mercury indicated that your attraction for each other is based at least partly on your intellectual affinity. This position doesn’t indicate whether your thinking is similar at all levels, but at least you should enjoy intellectual compatibility. Since one requirement of a successful personal relationship is that you communicate easily, you have an excellent start.

6H Composite Mercury

Composite Mercury in the sixth house indicates that the two of you expend a great deal of mental energy on the problems of tasks that you have to accomplish together. You will analyze, consider, and explore all the various ways to deal with the matters that are important to you both, which may be either material concerns or emotional ones.

If this is a business relationship centered around accomplishing some particular task or series of tasks, you will go about them systematically, rationally, and carefully.

If your relationship is an emotional, personal one, such as friendship or a love affair, you will do what you have to in a systematic and careful manner. Here, however, the issue will be making your relationship work better so that the two of you will get more out of it. Be careful that this habit of dealing with problems in a reasonable way doesn’t turn into an over-concern with your problems. It could get to the point where your whole viewpoint is overwhelmed with analyzing your relationship.

Planets in the sixth house tend to emphasize duties and responsibilities at the expense of the pleasure and fulfillment that should come out of any personal relationship. Obviously a balance must be struck, particularly with Mercury, because Mercury’s location in a chart very strongly affects the overall attitudes of the relationship.

Find part 2 here!

☿ animated divider by @adornedwithlight ☿

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

The way Condal, Hess and co write certain characters, especially Alicent, just makes them look like some kind of aliens who cannot comprehend the core of human nature and familial bonds (motherly love, sibling dynamic...) . I mean, fine, maybe they aren't parents honestly have no idea about their private lives nor do I want to know ), but that still doesn't justify the atrocious manner in which they have been portraying Alicent's relationship with her children. And I dislike the explanations that come from one part of the fandom (she married against her will, never wanted those children, never felt freedom...) I mean, I don't deny these, but they are not enough to explain or justify her weird (and sudden imo) detachment and dare i say, borderline hatred of her sons. Not to mention that this was the life of westerosi women, basically every one of them. Also, Ryan talked how Alicent and Viserys had "a loving marriage, just weren't in love " and generally holds Viserys in high regard, so he obviously doesn't see him as Alicent's abuser or anything. That's why i cannot understand what is the point of showing her so disgusted by her children and incapable of showing them love. Otto's influence? Maybe, but still not the greatest explanation. And she seems even harsher and distant to her sons this season than Otto ever was to her. She doesn't seem broken over Jaehaerys, she doesn't seem overly upset over Aegon (he's burned alive and is dying ffs and she won't shed a tear), Aemond is apparently an ireedemeable monster in her eyes fur some reason, even before RR... It's so frustrating that there are people who eat it all up and justify it as a genius and subtle storytelling with a lot of details that we "the whiners" refuse or are unable to grasp. Idk, I really liked her in s1 and although she was a bit inconsistent in ep 8 and 9 I hoped it would be retconed. Unfortunately, this season I'm watching a character I don't recognise anymore. And the worst thing is that she doesn't suffer from a lack of screentime like Aemond or Helaena do. Almost everything on tg revolves around her and yet I still have no idea what is her goal or who she is anymore.

Sorry for the rant.

Hello!

I could not agree with you more. Not sure if some kind of personal/family circumstances of HotD writers played a role in them fumbling the Greens family dynamic so badly but I am convinced that their "women good men bad" narrative policy did.

In "Driftmark" Alicent orders for Luke's eye to be cut out (and immediately, in public) - and then attacks Luke and Rhaenyra herself. But a few minutes (in show time) later she repents - and after that, apparently, she is all for "violence is reserved for men" agenda. That's where her disdain for Aemond (in whose name she was about to commit a public act of violence herself) is supposed to come from, I think. It doesn't even feel like she is horrified precisely by the fact that he might have almost killed (deliberately at that) his own brother. Lack of consistency and logic? Yes. Obliviousness at best, hypocrisy at worst (from Alicent, I mean)? Yes. But who cares, right? Alicent does not support the evil deeds of men - and that's what matters.

And her treatment of Aegon looks even more moronic. Girl, you put him on the throne against his will! After her meeting with Rhaenyra she knows it was a result of a misunderstanding (the favourite trick of this show, dammit - but it is a topic for a whole another conversation) but how is Aegon to blame for it?

I can relate to Alicent growing tired of being used and manipulated - but IMO (I agree with you here as well) this is not a good enough excuse for her to fully go into the "fuck yourselves, the lot of you" mode. But for the writers it is, at least it looks like it. They were trying to sell us the bullying of Aemond by Aegon (combined with the former's desire for power) being a sufficient motivation for Aemond to get rid of his brother (during the civil war where they are supposed to be on the same side no less) - and now they are trying to justify whatever Alicent does with her being a child bride and so on and so forth. I have no love for Viserys (or sympathy for Otto - where it comes to him pimping his teenage daughter out to the king) - but turning Alicent into this and expecting everyone to eat it up? Come on. Even some casual viewers are going "WTF" watching Alicent's scenes with her children, never mind those who are familiar with Fire and Blood.

And double yes to the point about the show very heavily focusing on Alicent to the detriment of many other characters (Aemond first of all). It feels like the writers believe that all that audience is supposed to know about Aemond now is that he is a bad guy - and they give him just enough screen time to show that. Meanwhile Alicent has loads of it - just so we could get a really good, really long look at her face and understand just how bad patriarchy failed her.

So, as I see it Alicent is now no more than a means to the end of hammering home the main idea of the show. How does she do that and what happens to her character in the process is unimportant - at least, to the writers and showrunners.

Sorry for the rant as well🙈

[codgod]

okay so. clap. thoughts after watching through the whole stream again, + some extra stuff that’s semi-related:

the code is specifically appealing to slimes love for flippa and willingness to do anything for her in order to keep codeflippa safe/alive. the code can, apparently, multiply at will, so the reasoning is unclear. my guess is maybe this multiplication is why it’s deteriorating and this is an attempt at survival? it knows the islanders will keep the eggs safe and alive, and it wishes to continue functioning, so it’s disguising itself as the eggs

note: above theory about the code does not fit with the fact that it directly attacks players. it could be that it only does so once it’s been found out, but then that doesn’t explain why it took so long for code!chayanne and tallulah to properly reveal themselves, because phil figured it out immediately. best guess there is they had some reason to sit through the entire dinner, though that reason is also unclear besides possibly just using it as a learning experience

from what i remember of juanaflippas mannerisms, codeflippa actually seems to have them pretty down? besides the spelling/writing obviously, i mean like body language. codeflippa was maybe a little Too bouncy but juana still loved to jump around. the only thing really wrong was the lack of backflipping but so far i don’t think we’ve seen any of the codes do any emotes. i don’t think they know how

and this is less related to the stream itself, but like. that’s 100% flippa in this freezer right. impossible to tell if it’s codeflippa or the real juanaflippa but…

(excuse how badly drawn over that is it’s just to give an idea of where she is)

i was talking with aviva about this on discord and e pointed out that this teaser picture has different lighting to the bow and carrot ones. red vs blue. no fucking clue what that could mean. possibly just that the flippa one is unrelated to these two? which is kinda weird because they all show freezers but. one shows an egg and the other two are just items, so i feel like this is maybe not hinting at more dead egg codes. especially since i have no clue who carrots could relate to in terms of eggs or inactive players

so my thought there is: if there’s gonna be another code version of a dead egg, we’ll proooobably get another image similar to the one with red lighting, not just an item. i imagine the item ones may just be teasing new members? though i could very well be proven wrong on that. because why would both an old egg and new players be in freezers like that…

[addictedtostorytelling]

Any thoughts on what would be the dark side of Grissom?

hi, anon!

so here's the thing:

gil grissom believes he has a "dark side."

heather kessler believes he has a "dark side."

but i don't really think he does.

—and neither does sara sidle.

more discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

to me, the question of gil grissom's supposed "dark side" all comes down to definition.

gil grissom has one definition, which has to do with "having the capacity to be selfish and place one's needs ahead of others (even those one cares about)."

heather kessler has another that is close to his, though not necessarily identical, centered in "having the capacity to inflict pain on others (even those one cares about)."

however, i have another definition, which i think approximates sara's (which i'll explain later on).

suffice it so say, grissom doesn't fit it.

so let's take this thing piece by piece:

grissom's definition of "dark side"

the show directly links the term "dark side" to grissom in episode 09x05 "leave out all the rest," specifically when heather kessler reads both grissom and sara into the specs of the bdsm-related case grissom has invited her to consult on, i.e.,:

"he kept his dark side locked in a trunk, hidden away from her."

the idea of grissom's dark side (or at least his belief in his own dark side) is also strongly implied in episodes such as 04x12 "butterflied," 05x03 "harvest," 07x06 "burn out," and 09x02 "the happy place," where direct comparisons are made between grissom and violent criminals, both in dialogue and in the framing of the narratives.

as i talk about here,

throughout his time on the show, grissom frequently finds himself able to relate to the killers whose cases he processes. though he would never cross the same lines that they do, he feels he is in some ways like them: antisocial, obsessive, caught up in the details, frightened by his own mind. he sees pieces of himself in the paul millanders, vincent luries, kevin greers, and natalie davises of the world, and, when he does, it gives him pause.

though he never applies the term to himself directly, grissom seems to subscribe to the notion that he, like these criminals, has a dark side, as is evident from the disparaging way he sometimes speaks of himself and his own proclivities (such as in his monologue in episode 04x12 "butterflied"), as well as the way he passively accepts other people's assessments of him in that regard (i.e., he doesn't negate heather when she says he has a dark side, catherine when she accuses him of being antisocial/misanthropic, direct comparisons killers and rapists make between themselves and him, etc.).

for grissom, his belief that he has a dark side is seemingly predicated on his sense that he lacks some fundamental "human component."

his whole life, he's been told by various sources that he sucks at being a person—that he's too emotionally aloof, unempathetic, and analytical; doesn't relate to others well; stuck in his own head; overly obsessive, etc.—and he has very much internalized that criticism.

to his mind, his "dark side" is part and parcel of this "insufficient humanity" in him: i.e., he feels he has a tendency to use people to serve his own needs and also that he can do so relatively easily, experiencing little guilt for treating people around him like objects he can manipulate. he observes that he can and does keep people at arm's length, remain ignorant of their problems, put what is easiest for him ahead of what is best for them, derive pleasure from situations that cause them to suffer, behave in a generally selfish manner, etc. and keep things running smoothly this way for a very long time.

he believes he sees evidence to support this belief in his personal relationships—in the occasions when he's treated catherine or nick or other members of the team in this very utilitarian manner on a micro-level, certainly; however, nowhere more so than in his romantic dealings with sara, which, to his mind, is what offers the most damning indictment on him, considering she's the person he cares most about in the world.

for years, he keeps her in a kind of "emotional holding pattern" which serves his purposes but not hers, ignoring the damage he deals her along the way.

as i talk about here,

[for the first several seasons of the show,] sara is, essentially, grissom's work girlfriend, and that arrangement works for him. he can flirt with her when he likes (as long as things don’t get too personal); he can occasionally walk arm-in-arm with her around their crime scenes; they can trade trivia and jokes; he can pay attention to her and make her smile; she can emotionally support him and calm him down when he’s upset (see episodes 01x19 “gentle, gentle” and 02x05 “scuba doobie-doo”); he can show her off to his superiors (see episode 03x02 “the accused is entitled”); they can share weirdly intimate moments; etc.; etc. really, they can do everything short of going home together. but when things get too intense, he can also shut their interactions down at a moment’s notice. he can maintain his space, go off by himself, even turn his attentions—fleetingly and superficially—to other women, like teri miller (see here). nothing he’s willing to do with sara endangers his career. they toe that line between coworkers and significant others, and they keep everything relatively clean that way. furthermore, he’s able to to some extent “have her” without fear that he will lose her. if he never lets her get too close to him, she won’t see his flaws, and she won’t reject him; she’ll stay with him, almost happily, forever. sure, in his heart of hearts, grissom very much yearns to extend his and sara’s relationship to all the spheres in his life (see his original monologue from episode 04x12 “butterflied”), and, certainly, on a subconscious level, he realizes that he is dissatisfied with the status quo between himself and sara, particularly when she dates hank peddigrew during s2 and s3. in a better world, in a better life, where grissom could be sure that sara would love him forever and that he could know that he was actually good enough for her, he would want to be the man she came home to after shift. he would want them to share everything. to be everything for each other. but in this world, their arrangement mostly works for him. it mostly meets his needs. —and, because it does, he remains generally oblivious to the fact that things aren’t working out this way for sara. worse yet, even on the occasions when he becomes passingly aware that this setup isn't actually copacetic for her and is in fact directly doing her harm (like in episodes 02x15 "burden of proof" or 03x03 "let the seller beware" or toward the tail end of s4), he still makes the active decision to continue subordinating her needs in favor of his own, which, as he sees things, suggests that he is more beholden to his own fears than he is mindful of her well-being—a major mark against him not only in terms of him being a potential lover for sara but in terms of him being a human being with a heart and compassion for others.

while someone less critical of grissom than himself might point out that his selfish behavior regarding sara, while not awesome™, is more in line with him having a fear of intimacy and poor interpersonal skills than it is with him being some kind of heartless and depraved "creature of the dark," grissom, who is hypercritical of himself, views these failings on his part as a condemnation of his overall person, drawing connections between his own "willingness" to mistreat sara and the way the criminals in the cases he investigates do violence to the people around them.

the fact that he also shares with these criminals a tendency toward obsession further compounds his sense that he is like them, as does his notion that he could perhaps find it within himself to be violent (and even kill) were someone he loved threatened.

he sees in himself a capacity to cause harm in order to serve his own purposes and consequently believes he is by nature a cruel and heartless being, particularly unworthy of sara and her "light."

this belief grissom has concerning himself (i.e., that he has a dark side) is one that, unfortunately, other characters around him frequently, albeit often inadvertently, reinforce.

almost every member of his team has, at some point, accused grissom of being unconcerned with the emotions and needs of others on some level: e.g., catherine disparages him for having no personal connections (see episode 01x04 "pledging mr. johnson"), warrick calls him a robot (see episode 03x13 "random acts of violence"), nick harps on him for not caring about the human element in their cases (see episode 04x11 "eleven angry jurors"), and even sara on one particularly fraught occasion despairs that he has no feelings (see episode 01x16 "too tough to die").

while all of these statements are ones that his team members make in moments of personal frustration and are inaccurate to their true views of him—not a single person on that team actually doubts grissom's capacity to care about others; to the contrary, they all emotionally rely on him and turn to him as a confidante at the times when it really counts—grissom nevertheless takes these outbursts from them at face value, internalizing the messaging, believing he is, just as they imply, on a fundamental level, "deficient" (see episode 01x04 "pledging mr. johnson").

though he receives a thousand evidences otherwise that his friends feel his love for them and that they acknowledge his humanity, those positive assurances don't stay in his mind the same way their momentary negativity does, largely due to confirmation bias.

for all that catherine will willingly kill for him, that warrick praises his magnanimity as a boss, nick obviously looks up to him and craves his approval, and sara loves him unconditionally and thinks more highly of him than anyone, he still can't help but see "proof" everywhere that he is a bad person given over to his dark side.

something, something "autism rejection sensitive dysphoria." ahem.

—and, unfortunately, this belief of his is only furthered by the one significant friendship he has outside of his work team, i.e., with heather kessler.

heather's definition of "dark side"

now.

while there are a great deal many good things about grissom and heather's friendship—not only are they well-suited to each other in terms of intelligence, temperament, interests, etc., but over the years they are incredibly loyal to each other and stand by each other in times of crisis time and time again—one area where they are perhaps not good influences on each other is in how they both conceive of themselves and each other as "belonging to the dark."

whereas when grissom's other friends call him out for being "insufficiently human," they do so in moments of anger, when they're purposefully trying to say hurtful things to him either because they are frustrated with the case of the day or with him or both, heather tends to make her claims much more calmly and without intention to wound.

she doesn't so much level accusations at grissom as she does simply make what she considers to be observations of him, impassive in nature, framed as fact.

these observations are ones she offers not out of malice or with intent to disparage him but because she feels kinship.

of course, her intentions notwithstanding, they still exacerbate his sense of "otherness" and "unworthiness" in himself all the same.

she sees them both as people who have dark sides, and she often reminds him of this point because (to her) it is a basis of their friendship.

grissom doesn't necessarily agree that heather is as "irredeemable" as he is—he thinks much more highly of her than he does of himself and doesn't believe she has as much claim to "human deficiency" as he does, her profession and occasional criminality notwithstanding—however, since a) she has always been able to read him like an open book from their very first meeting anyhow, and, b) she is at least familiar with darkness by way of her profession/lifestyle, he does seem to feel that he is safe to be himself, forgo masking, and make no attempts to hide his darkness in her presence.

because she is comfortable operating in proximity to darkness, his sense is that he doesn't have to fear her disgust and/or rejection in the same way he might from his more "towards the light"-oriented friends.

he can just trust that she knows he has a dark side but won't disparage him for it.

and that brings us to heather's definition of what a "dark side" even is.

to heather, who lives in a world that is rife with violence and runs on dynamics of dominance and submission, having a dark side entails being comfortable inflicting pain (both physical and emotional) on others.

she views herself as having a dark side not only because of her profession but also (and even more so) because she is possessed of a very brutal approach to human relationships: building and enforcing sharp walls between people, being cruel when doing so suits her, knowing how to needle others and using that skill to her advantage (having little regard for what damage she might cause in the long run).

as i talk about here,

like grissom, heather fears that she is a creature of the darkness, unfit for the light, and that she deserves many of the misfortunes that befall her. we don’t know exactly what brings about the end of her relationship with her ex-husband jerome kessler, but we do get hints that heather believes that she is a difficult person to love and be around—hence her comments to grissom that it must have been hard on zoë to have her for a mother. heather has carefully cultivated her “lady heather” dominatrix persona, becoming a person who is surprised by nothing, beholden to no one, totally autonomous and aloof. she’s this person whenever she’s in situations where she feels uncomfortable, such as when she has to interact with men who disrespect her, like jim brass (see episodes 03x15 “lady heather’s box” and 07x23 “the good the bad and the dominatrix”), or people who deride her for her profession and character, like sara sidle (see the interview scenes in “immortality”). she believes she is dark because she can push everyone away (including her husband and child) in order to make herself feel safer and more in control in an otherwise cruel and chaotic world and then go on living in this loneliness, almost as if nothing had ever happened; as if it were no loss. she can draw strength from making others feel weak. she can make herself an island and still function that way, devoid of any real ties. she can permit even those she loves to suffer if doing so gives her some advantage. she views herself as heartless. as lacking. as not having that crucial component that allows other people to connect.

when heather meets grissom, she very quickly surmises that he feels similarly about himself as she does about herself. she hones in on the fact that he withholds key parts of himself from even the people he's closest to emotionally ("[you fear more than anything] being known"), including sara.

she also suspects that because he lacks social and even sexual outlets, he may harbor some repressed tendencies toward relational violence (see episode 02x08 "slaves of las vegas").

the longer she knows grissom and the more she becomes aware of his relationship with sara, the more she starts to read what she views as his dark side into the relationship problems he and sara experience during s8 and s9.

as i talk about here,

heather believes that she and grissom are two of a kind: both creatures of the darkness, unsuited for domestic life.  in her view, sara is not like them. she is something different: a sweet soul who secretly longs for light—who, despite how she may protest to the contrary, very much wants for normalcy and the cookie-cutter life with the dog and the house and the husband.  though sara works the graveyard shift at a crime lab, she is, as heather sees it, vanilla, repulsed by that which is gruesome, violent, and twisted. she doesn’t share heather and grissom’s macabre side, and, by heather’s estimation, because she doesn’t, she can’t fully understand grissom, a man who lives in isolation, harbors misanthropic tendencies, and finds it easy to think like a serial killer. she’s too tame. too quaint. too afraid of the dark. honestly, heather is probably reading a little bit of her own history into grissom and sara’s current situation here: as we learn in episode 07x24 “the good, the bad, & the dominatrix,” heather’s ex-husband, jerome kessler, is shocked at and repulsed by heather’s involvement in the s&m business, and his attitude towards her lifestyle influences his decision to keep her away from their granddaughter, allison. since heather sees herself and grissom as being similar, she perhaps thinks of sara as being similar to jerome. just like jerome couldn’t handle heather’s darkness, sara perhaps can’t handle grissom’s. that side of him might be a deal-breaker for her. in making this assessment, heather isn’t necessarily disparaging sara; she’s just pointing out that sara isn’t built to wade endlessly through human evil in the way that grissom is. it goes back to what she said about the schism and grissom and sara having different roles and priorities: sara is persephone; grissom is hades. she was made for flowers and springtime; he was made for the underworld. they are fundamentally incompatible in this way, at least as heather sees things.

heather's views to this end only serve to echo fears grissom already has concerning himself and his and sara's relationship. he has always been secretly terrified that in addition to being too old for sara and too romantically inexperienced to be with her, he is also too dark for her; too much of a drain on her precious light.

he feels supremely unworthy of her, which is one of the major reasons why he not only holds back from being with her for so long during the early seasons of the show but also why, when she flees vegas in s8 and s9, he lets her go and does not (for the longest while) pursue her.

though he wants more than anything to be with sara, deep inside of him, he fears that he is ultimately too selfish for her, too cruel, too depraved, too macabre, too dark.

my definition of "dark side"—and sara's

but.

but.

but.

for all grissom and heather believe he has a dark side, here's the thing:

i don't really think he does.

and i don't think sara thinks he does, either.

not to get too philosophical, but here's my take:

all people have the capacity to take harmful actions, so just having that capacity is not enough to make someone a "creature of the dark."

neither is even taking harmful actions in itself.

that's another thing everyone occasionally does.

as social creatures, causing occasional harm is unavoidable—we all from time to time hurt other people, sometimes accidentally, sometimes purposefully; physically and emotionally.

it's just part of living together, of interacting.

of having competing needs.

that so, just occasionally causing others pain doesn't mean someone has a "dark side"—at least not in my book; not that way that grissom and heather mean it, anyway.

it's not a sign of criminality or depravity.

it's just humanity.

having a dark side has to go beyond just being capable of causing harm to others or even sometimes causing it.

to me, at least—and everyone is welcome to disagree—there has to be something more to it.

there has to be an orientation toward hurting others regularly, consistently, and even with impunity; toward harming the people around you and not caring (or even to taking delight in doing so); toward having no inclination to change or better oneself; toward inflicting pain and suffering without regard for others, never looking back.

and i don't think that's grissom at all.

don't get me wrong: the man makes mistakes.

sometimes big ones.

for example, his jealous, petty behavior toward sara at the beginning of s3 when she is dating hank is not great™.

that said, i think that, in general, grissom orients more toward taking beneficial actions than he does toward taking harmful ones.

he exists more in the light.

much—if not most—of the harm he causes, especially in regards to his conduct toward other people, is inadvertent on his part; a product of him flailing and not knowing how to satisfy his competing needs and wants as opposed to him purposefully lashing out or trying to assert himself over others.

while of course he can—and does sometimes—still cause harm even when he does not intend to do so (see, for example, how his mismanagement of sara contributes to her downward spiral in s4), his character is such that he almost never sets out to hurt anyone and is eager to change and do better once he realizes that he has.

he isn't inclined to be malicious at all.

he has occasional blind spots, yes. is sometimes selfish and makes mistakes, sure. he from time to time prioritizes his needs over those of his loved ones. every once in a while underestimates the effect his actions might have on the people around him. now and then behaves hypocritically because he is so deep inside his own head that he can rationalize behavior from himself that he condemns in others. at times makes poor judgment calls, the outcomes of which impact not just him but everyone on his team.

but gil grissom is not someone who goes about attempting to hurt others, much less someone who hurts others regularly, much less someone who does so with impunity.

flawed though he is, by and large, he is goodhearted, earnest, and willing and able to admit his mistakes. for the most part, his desire is to help and not to hurt, and he succeeds in enacting that desire.

contrary to what he believes about himself and even what heather believes about him, he is incapable of hurting others without feeling immense guilt for doing so if he is aware of the effect his actions have had.

in fact, i would argue that one of the primary emotions he experiences throughout the early seasons of the show is guilt, oftentimes of the undue variety.

while it does still sometimes take him time to change course even after he recognizes he has misbehaved, he always does change course eventually.

he never sits comfortably in the wrong.

he always strives to treat others compassionately and fairly, even often at the expense of his own interests.

that so, to me, there is nothing exceptional in his misconduct; nothing depraved in it; nothing to indicate it is his preferred or even habitual mode of action.

though he is able to think like a serial killer for the sake of his job, just the ability to profile does not a "dark heart" make. he could never bring himself to behave like these violent criminals do. he is far too concerned with others' feelings, far too compassionate and just, far too much of a humanist, etc. he holds life and personhood too much as sacred.

and contrary to what he thinks, even the fact that he could potentially kill to protect someone he loves isn't some grand indictment of his soul; that just shows the depth of his love. many parents would say the same for their children. lovers for their lovers. friends for their friends. (hell, catherine kills to save his life at one point, and he doesn't think less of her for doing so!) it doesn't make him a coldblooded killer by any means to have those instincts. it's not like he'd be violent without provocation or in any other circumstances; just to save the people he cares about. that's not a flaw! that's a sign of devotion.

he's just a guy trying to get by in life, and occasionally he futzes things up and ends up hurting other people.

but he is also someone who immediately apologizes when he is called out (see, for example, how quick he is to recant the inadvertently misogynistic statement he makes in episode 02x23 "the hunger artist" once catherine confronts him on it); who forgives others of their mistakes immediately and wholeheartedly (such as when he lets warrick keep his job in episode 01x02 "cool change"); who is a pacifist at heart; a poet's soul; someone who, despite working a job that puts him into contact with some of the worst elements of his society, still believes in truth, justice, and love.

he learns from his mistakes as he goes.

and over time, becomes far more open.

far less selfish.

far more willing to place the needs of his loved ones ahead of his own.

he is not some "creature of the darkness"—or at least no more so than most people are.

fwiw, i don't think heather is actually a "creature of the darkness," either.

even where sara and his past mistreatment of her is concerned, he isn't even half as terrible as he imagines himself to be.

for as much as he does give her the runaround during the early seasons of the show and oftentimes fuck up with her very badly, he is not "all awful to her all the time." he is oftentimes very supportive of and gentle with her. frequently a very good friend (albeit not a boyfriend in the way that she would want).

he isn't 100% some negative force in her life, some black hole draining her of light.

that's why she never ultimately "gets over him," you know?

because for as complicated and messed up as things sometimes get between them, there is enough that's positive between them to continue to attract her.

there's goodness and beauty mixed in with the confusion and heartache; in greater part, even.

he also seldom consciously intends to treat sara badly and never is comfortable doing so when he is conscious of the outcomes of his actions.

as i talk about here,

though grissom may sometimes appear callous, in truth, he very much isn’t. he doesn’t like hurting sara’s feelings. he doesn’t like making her sad. though he is sometimes possessed of a very strong impulse to save his own skin and to do what is best for him, he also isn’t without empathy for her plight. when he fucks up, he feels bad about doing so. he kicks himself for being such a jerk every time he disappoints her. (look at his face after he declines her dinner invitation in episode 03x22 “play with fire;” that is not the expression of a man who feels good about what he’s just done.) he wants to make up for his inability to give her what she wants. he wholeheartedly desires to do better—to be better—though he may not know exactly how to overcome his more selfish impulses in order to meet that end.

but the thing is, he eventually sorts himself out.

his desire to do better does translate into action.

into improvement.

he changes his mo with her over time.

by s5, he makes the conscientious decision to prioritize sara's needs. he starts to be more transparent in his dealings with her, even though doing so scares him. he even puts himself and his job on the line in order to do what's best for her (see episode 05x13 "nesting dolls").

like sara says in the reboot, after he learns her story, he's consistently "just there for her."

though of course he doesn't do everything 100% perfectly with her going forward, the grissom of s5 on is so much more open about his feelings for her, so much gentler in his dealings, and so concerned with promoting her happiness.

and this willingness to change how he deals not only with sara but with all of his loved ones—see, for example, how he validates nick's emotionality by recommending him for the promotion in s4 and how supportive he is of greg throughout s7 after sara draws his attention to greg's struggles in episode 07x06 "burn out"—proves that, contrary to his misconceptions about himself, he is not some fundamentally evil person who always treats the others around him selfishly.

he is far more capable of compassion, empathy, and even evolution than he gives himself credit for—a notion which might come as a shock to him but which is no surprise to the one person who knows him better than everyone.

sara.

sara was raised the darkness. she saw extreme selfishness in practice every day while she was growing up. was both a witness to and victim of harm inflicted with impunity for years.

she knows what can happen when people orient towards harming others and don't seek to change.

and don't get me wrong: she doesn't think that grissom is perfect, and particularly not as someone he has at times done emotional damage to.

she knows he is capable of causing pain, just like anyone else is.

she's felt it.

but she also doesn't think for one moment that he has a dark side.

i'll go as far as to say: she wouldn't be with him if she did.

as i talk about here,

[sara] doesn’t just love [grissom] for his mind, you know—she also loves his heart and his humanity, two features which others often claim he doesn’t possess; two features which he often doubts in himself. listening to him rhapsodize about the plight of the victim in [episode 01x09 "unfriendly skies"] and empathize with the man, refusing to entertain the question of whether or not his murder was justified and instead arguing that he was owed a basic level of compassion, she is struck by what a good person he is. that genuine kindness in him is part of what attracts her. she loves that he is nonviolent. she loves that he is humane. she loves that his tendency is always to look for whom he can help, not hurt. he is the most intelligent person she’s ever met, but he also has one of the best hearts, and she adores him for it. for as much as he will later say in the series finale that she restores his faith in the human being, he does the same for her. he is so much of the softness and light she needs to believe still exists in the world.

to continue on from this post,

though he doubts his own goodness, she doesn’t for a second. in fact, she believes in it more than anything. she loves how compassionate, humane, and just he is; how much he cares about the people in the cases they work and his deep capacity for empathy. she adores that he is a champion of persons who are vulnerable, that he speaks for the dead, that he honors and protects women and children, that he allies with the marginalized, etc. though of course she never likes for him to feel sad, she finds herself deeply touched whenever she sees his sorrow for someone he couldn’t save or an investigation that ended badly. while he often thinks the worst of himself, she knows he is the best—that he has this deep-seated and unfailing desire in him to help others and to right wrongs; that he is compelled by his nature to try to better the society he lives in and to show kindness to the individuals he encounters. that he can’t see in himself the virtues that seem so obvious to her honestly breaks her heart, which is why she never misses the opportunity to remind him that he is so much better than he gives himself credit for. just knowing that someone like him exists helps her have faith in the world. he’s such a good man, and the fact that he is is so important to her. to that same end, she also loves how inherently gentle he is. as i talk about here, “to my mind, part of the reason why she is attracted to grissom is because he’s generally very soft-spoken; is a committed pacifist; he’s not domineering; and even when he’s mad at her, he doesn’t yell at her.” coming from the background she does, she only ever could have loved a man who was soft, who seldom raised his voice (and when he did, only did so in defense of others or in the expression of righteous outrage over injustices), who treated others kindly, and who didn’t misuse power at times when he held it. that grissom is so fundamentally mild and never wants to hurt anyone or cause anyone to be afraid of him makes her feel 100% safe in his presence.

for a long time, grissom thinks of himself as a selfish, heartless monster, but sara never sees him that way, and, over the years, she slowly helps him to shed this poor opinion of himself, too.

scenes like the ones in episode 02x05 "scuba doobie-doo," where she encourages him not to be hard on himself, and episode 09x01 "for warrick," where she reminds him of how deeply warrick loved him at a time when she knows he is (unduly) blaming himself for warrick's death, speak to her unfailing belief in him and her desire for him to be able to see himself as she sees him, not as some creature of the darkness, unworthy of the light, but as a light to her and others.

grissom doesn't come around to this notion right away and suffers more than a few setbacks over the years (particularly at times when he feels as if he lets sara down); however, grissom does eventually start to trust in his own humanity.

the grissom we see in csi: vegas s1 is one who doesn't suffer from the same kind of extreme self-loathing and self-distrust as he did in his earlier years. he doesn't have those same doubts concerning his humanity and worthiness, as is evident by the way he allows himself to be comforted in times when he is in distress, accepting love in a way he previously could not bear to.

twenty years on, that grissom is one who has become very comfortable operating in the light, and it's a beautiful thing to see.

anyway.

rambling now.

sorry to go all philosophical here.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[pebiejeebies]

Where I got info ^^^^^^

Four exhibits very surreal mannerisms, one of them is the screech to stun them.

I screech earbleedingly aswell, screaming and screeching is my middle name lmfao

Although Four seems to be calm most of the time, they do get angry in many episodes, but he does have good manners every now and then, plus they have a mysterious, sadistic and narcicist personality where they use their powers to harm the contestants just for their own fun.

I have that issue aswell, I’m very sadistic and narcissistic when it comes to my ocs.. sadly I enjoy tormenting them (mentally is my favorite way <33) and in the past when I was younger, I used to abuse my sisters for my own pleasure, since I thought I was the best out of all of them..

Four was shown to want a sense of dominance in the show

Me to my sisters.. the feeling of being under someone is so unbearable, I have to deal with that is school everyday, so being dominant towards my sisters is bound to happen..

When provoked, Four would show no mercy and would even do things such as dissemble close friends out of anger, even lacking remorse in the process. In "Four Goes Too Far", Four mistook Nickel's response to calling David and Roboty "the only two non-objects on the team" criticism (which they could not tolerate very well). Four threatens to zap Nickel, with A Better Name Than That's plan being the only thing stopping the attack.

Sooo if disassemble was like unfriend/block, and the criticism being taken personally is very relatable, in fact, when my sister ever tells me any constructive criticism I always see it as an insult to my hard work, which sucks.. And for the “disassembling” part, I can be very close to a friend but if they piss me off/trigger me just once in a bad way, it would definitely make me ignore/block them, plus if disassemble counted as hitting, In the past I used to really abuse my sisters which I guess fits

In "Enter the Exit", Four seems to be a lot calmer, friendlier, and humbler, most likely because the contestants recovered them. They were noticeably less violent than before. After their return, they didn't screech anyone until "Return of the Rocket Ship", adding onto how friendly they became, but still will not hesitate to zap those who bother them.

The change in hostile behavior is something that I really went through, and the fact that four still hurts when someone irritates them is something I still do (as I’m typing this I literally hit my sister because she said my XO board was drawn wrong lmfao,,)

Then this shows Four's personality in more depth as well as their possible motivations: they seem to be childish. They act like a control freak because they want everyone to stay with him forever, explaining their narcissism and cruelty when hosting the show. Four throws tantrums when things don't go their way and strongly dislikes being abandoned (possibly due to them losing their playthings) to the point where they cry and refuse to let X console them since they think that X will abandon them too. After the split, Four seems to be nicer to the contestants and shows more personality. Toward the end of the episode, after the split took place and Two took nearly all of the contestants, Taco tells Four that they lost over half of the contestants. Instead of being angry or sad, Four makes light of the situation by saying BFB has "advanced" to its final 14 contestants.

This whole thing is just me, specifically when something huge bad happens like the split, I end up just trying to see the good side of everything, specifically the fact that I’m a bit obsessed with the fact of being some sort of host for something 

In "Uprooting Everything", when it comes to Purple Face asking if he could be a co-host, Four immediately declines, stating they have a better co-host. Four was down about the last four contestants complimenting X's position and saying they were a "good host" than not recuperating the same to Four.

If purple face was my younger sister and my middle sister was the better co-host,, this would definitely fit, then the growing jealousy from the better co-host because of how much they’re liked irl is way too fucking relatable

In "Chapter Complete", it is shown that they have an insecure side. They become upset that the contestants do not want him as their host, and instead chooses to leave them forever. 

This ^^^^

However, Gelatin told him that they indeed like him, but it was just that they did not like being hurt and tortured for his own benefit. Hearing this, he has a change of heart. He starts apologizing to everyone and becomes nicer to them.

After I started to change this is what I did, I specifically apologized to my sisters, since they were the ones I hurt the most

In "The Great Goikian Bake-Off", Four reverts back to his pre split personality and acts chaotically again. This is most likely because he is still mad at the old contestants, or he is just doing his job to protect the hotel's food.

Mad at old friends or protecting my room, iPad or literally anything that’s mine

Wow I guess that just makes me the silly billy—

UURGEHJRUEJEHHRGEGHEJURUEGHRURUEHEURUUURHEHHRHHR YAYYAYYYY

NOT ME BIEING HAPPY THAT SOMEONE CARES???!!?

@scrollinonhere

YYEGAGHEHYAYYEYEYYAYYEYHEHEYYYEEE!!

[mariamariquinha]

Bossa Nova (Benny ‘Borracho’ Magalon x f!reader) - Nine

Eight | Ten

Summary: The LASD couldn't sustain its reputation as an honest police officer if it tried hard. In that case, no one tried.

Word count: 9.695.

Warnings: Bad words, talks about corruption, talks about sexism and racism, mentions of oral sex, mention of drug crimes, violence and other things related, strip clubs, sex workers, use of weed and... did I say sexism?

Author’s Note: I think this got a lot more personal than I thought, so I'm sorry if anyone has family members within the LASD who aren't corrupt - this isn't about them. This chapter doesn't have much romance, I'll warn you right away, but it's an important progression in the main characters' relationship. Give it a try!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Join my taglist! Don’t forget to reblog, comment and like! As always, I would love to know what you’re all thinking! ❤

****

You didn't like your mother very much, but you definitely loved her. She was your mother, after all, and even though you knew you wouldn't be friends with her if you had that choice, you would love her like you love something because that's how it should be. You didn't think it was an obligation, and she didn't treat you badly, but there was always that feeling that because you were the first kid, she tested the options so much that she left you an arm's length away, and if it were different it would be weird. 

Again, you understood. She was your mother.

When you had the whole context of the divorce, she always came with comments. She noticed your house, your clothes, your silence; she insisted that Theodore say something, that he apologize, and you had to be definitive for it to stop.

But she was your mother. 

Emma didn't say things because she didn't like to commit, but you knew when she betrayed that direct opinion that your mother had about everything. It was like something mirrored, that instead of loud voices and cigarette smoke, you received a calculating coldness in sudden, discreet and passive comments. So you didn't confront her because, well, she wasn't your mother.

You knew you were on the edge since the situation with Ballard – so did she. And before all of that, there was the snickering, the ‘are you sure you are okay?’ with condescendent tone, the ‘maybe you should take some days off’ with a hint of a joke. You knew her and you knew each one of those mannerisms. 

Isla's situation wouldn't have grow so much in you if it weren't for the daily stress of things, yes, but it was the comment that Emma made when she went to ask you about Gina that made you stop, look and make sure you had actually heard that.

“I mean, look what getting close to Nick did to you. You weren't like this when you were still married.”

You weren't even talking about that – you had taken days to redo the work on the report, you were barely sleeping and honestly nothing she was saying had reached your ear until that moment. For her, it was another comment that you would ignore, another small micro-aggression that would pass, so she continued typing on the computer and the weight of the air in her office seemed to fall solely on you.

“... I beg your pardon?” 

She glanced at you and went back to the computer screen. 

“Yeah, you know. Women tend to rely on male powerful figures when in lack of it. Freud said something about it, didn’t he?”

“Emma, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

That did catch her attention. She backed away, then saw your offended expression and actually turned to you, alert.

“I’m sorry if I said something wrong,” And even that sounded wrong. 

“It's not just that, you're acting like an idiot to everyone here! Walsh treated me like an idiot and harassed me, which you glossed over and blamed on me. Gina was concise and conscientious about finding out about Isla and Nick because it would sink the Department, and you did nothing. What is that?” 

Emma hesitated. With a lick of her lips, she probably calculated that being all about ‘I’m wrong, right?’ wouldn’t work, so she took her time. 

“... I’m thinking of what’s best for you. Protecting your integrity for what it’s to come.”

“And what the fuck is to come? Tell me, Emma, what is it? I-” You took a deep breath. “Do you want to know? I don't want to know. I really don't want to. Whatever shit you or Magalon are warning me about in fucking code, I don't want to know.” 

“What did Magalon tell you?”

“I feel like I'm talking to my ex… Have you heard what I said before?” You pressed, getting on your feet with a huff of frustration. “Make a fucking decision Emma, ​​just… Make a fucking decision. And don't ever disrespect me like that again.” 

****

“My husband was a member of the group.”

Isla had a calm voice despite the context in which she was inserted. There were no handcuffs on her wrists or a guard inside the room; everything was done very smoothly. Her lawyer was there, tho, and he was sending Zapata some glares while they talked. There was a palpable tension in the air, as if a black cloud of violence or distortion hung within that interrogation room.

Really, you shouldn't even be there, watching. Henderson was sitting to one side as he watched through the glass the conversation Zapata and Emma were having with the woman, and that should be enough for them. Even so, it was Emma who suggested that you participate indirectly, as if using a petty way to see if you were really immersed in the work like you said. 

According to the file, Isla was of Albanian origin. The parents were immigrants and ran a small textile business in Coney Island, but they weren’t anything but a fast topic of conversation. The features of her face, such as the more rounded nose and the full face, were soft, even if her lips were dry. She was in a wheelchair, her arm had a bandage. 

Looking at it that way, she didn't look so much like Debbie. Maybe their comparison was in the attitude: the two seemed equally taken by a feeling that hovered only in Nick. One that you didn't know what it was and that maybe nobody could put their finger on.

She spoke of everything. Kosovo, her relationship with a man named Oliver Clark, her marriage and children – Selim, with 5, and Dafina, with 9. 

You just noticed that Nick entered the room when you smelled his cologne. Bad smell, as always, enough to break any serious moment with that fragrance. You couldn’t help but make a face, pinching your nostrils once and clearing your throat. He ignored you, of course. Benny appeared right behind him with two cups of coffee – you two shared a brief look.

“We have the search warrant,” He said to everyone in the room, eyeing the scene in front of you with a stern face. “I also got WPP.”  

A little late for that.

“Anything important?” Took you time to understand that the question was directed to you. When the silence became too much, you turned to him and saw everyone staring. 

“... Nothing I didn't already imagine. I'll have better luck when I have the equipment,” You leaned over the table, just a touch, and read the notes you’d taken. “Leica M6 35mm, Pentax K1000 and… Nikon 35 Ti. Analog. This Leica is a rarity, I think it was the one she used for the Long Beach homicides.”

“Couldn't it have been someone else?” Henderson asked. 

“Is that just a stupid question or do you want to make sure we've tested all options?”

“Both. So?” Nick pressed, arms crossed and nothing but harshness on his tone. 

You observed him for a beat, considered your chances there. 

“... The Leica is from the beginning of the last century, like, the 30's to the 50's. At least this model she said she has. In addition to being rare, not everyone nowadays can handle it because the resources are basically mechanical. It would be an absurd coincidence, which is not quite the case.”

“We've dealt with coincidences before.”

“Well, you would know the truth better than anyone.”

O’Brien didn’t answer. You rolled your eyes, going back to the notes before giving Isla another look. 

“How long has she been doing this?” The question was kind of thrown up in the air, as no one dared to answer. You glared at them, specifically at Nick, who huffed in annoyance before saying something.

“Two years.”

“And the case landed in your lap…” You said. “It seems that you really work with coincidences.”  

Again, no answer. Feeling like you couldn't get from point A to B with anyone there, you jotted down some more information on paper and stretched your back, rolling your shoulders.

“It will be manual stuff then. They’ll have to look at each negative.”

“If it can be done then I don't see a problem.”

“It's a good opportunity to tell me anything else I don't already know,” You conceded, voice contained to prevent any progression there. It was like swallowing a fucking lamp. 

Everyone was quiet when they heard Isla speak again, attentive as they watched every detail of the story that should no longer be news to Nick's ears. You were so concentrated that the noises of chairs dragging on the floor didn't even call your attention. Someone said something, the door opened and closed, and suddenly there was a cup of coffee right next to you.

Benny tapped the lid twice.

“Decaf,” He mouthed discreetly before retrieving his proximity and leaving the room. 

You and Henderson shared a glance, but he didn’t say a thing. You two were busy anyway. 

****

Benny didn't have a very organized routine, but he could count how many times he thought about you after that shitty lunch: two.

1. That coffee wasn't for you, but he thought of you when he noticed that the Starbucks server had made the wrong order. It was kind of spontaneous. Suddenly you were there, at the front of his mind, like you were hovering around and ready to just emerge. He put it there, left the cup as if saying ‘you can have it if you want, but if you don’t it’s fine’. No one brought the subject up.

2. Nick had gone to the store to meet an informant and someone, probably Connors, saw a familiar figure at the register when they entered. Benny knew it was Murph who commented, but he saw Zapata turn his head to look at the guy.

“Do you know who he is?”

“Who?” Benny frowned, unaware of the commotion. He turned his head, saw the dude standing there staring at his phone – like a normal person. 

“This is Theodore Park, our trouble girl's ex.”  

There was only one person Connors called ‘trouble girl' and it wasn't usually the kind of comment that came from beyond the grave. However he recognized the guy, whether it was a run-in at office parties that Benny barely attended or some private investigation that bordered on a stalker personality from Murph’s part, it seemed to be true. When Magalon looked back again, Theodore Park was gone.

The second time, then, he discovered who your ex-husband was while listening to what seemed like irrelevant information to the investigation. In the midst of Nick's reticence and failures, Theodore Park was the object of his interest. 

He was tall compared to the 5'7 that Benny was. Maybe 6'2, compared to O'Brien. There were some university articles about him (three paragraphs at Berkeley, two large PDFs at CSULB that he didn't read, and good references at Caltech) and he seemed successful with an information systems company or something. Benny could never speak properly about these things because he was never interested; as long as he had a phone that worked, he knew how to use the most intuitive social media and that was it. But not Theodore, no. The guy was a successful man in that aspect, indeed. A rich guy on the way. Without much effort, Benny would see this dude doing TED Talks and making Forbes in a few years. Which had nothing to do with him, or what seemed like your type of guy. If Theodore was on one side of the spectrum, Benny was on the other in every way.

Still, Magalon didn't do much with this information. There wasn't much he could do with it anyway.

It was only later – days later – when they had agreed to go to a 'club' to 'decompress', that he found himself thinking about you for the third time. 

Earlier that day, he saw you talking to Lennon over what seemed like conventional pleasantries between friends. You were wearing jeans, both hands in your back pockets as you paid attention to something that was being said. Your usual lab coat was gone, probably because Benny could clearly see that your shirt was tighter, had a wider bust and the position of your arms gave a subtle view of your breasts. Nothing indiscreet, because you weren't indiscreet. That outfit, however, made Benny have a sudden indiscreet thought, and it stayed in his head all day. 

He hadn't looked for you anymore – he hadn't had the chance to do that. Things escalated and suddenly there he was talking about how similar he was to Nick, pushing you away with a passive behavior that clearly pissed you off. You didn't even react, which he understood as full acceptance of the fact that he was an asshole, as if that was the one thing that Benny and a technology nerd like Theodore had in common: being a scoundrel. You treated him as always, even though what had already happened between you should have been enough for that 'always' to change.

It was sad. He really was starting to like what you two started to have. 

The girl standing next to him was called Lindsay. She sat down, started a conversation; they talked very little. Lindsay was wasted, not even bothering to clean the traces of cocaine from her top lip and nose or the way her eyes were dark. Benny asked if she wanted to go home and another friend, named Tracy (or Tara), who was visibly lucid, said it was a good idea. He paid for the taxi, made sure they got into the car safely, and discreetly showed the driver his badge. Like any other night.

He watched the taxi disappear down the street, then, on the other side, the movement of cars on that side of the city. It was late summer and the breeze of the change of season was a sure sign of the arrival of autumn, so he felt the wind hit his face. 

Benny didn't go back up to the hotel room with the guys. He handed the parking pass to the usual guy, got in the car and headed home.

No, not like any other night. That time, Benny felt another wave of what someone once said was a ‘midlife crisis’.

****

You weren't a fan of bathtubs. Well, you had one, but it was that kind of thing that was borrowed into your life, shoved down your throat because it wasn't so bad after all. Just like the coffee table you had before. And the kitchen window you always hated. And the kind of lamp that lasted so little but, look, it was chic. So like all things, which seemed to be the biggest provocation that accompanied a 'gift' from a big son of a bitch, or a reminder of how there was a sense of ease in making your life miserable, you enjoyed it.

Something like that. 

You had plans to get rid of each of these things soon, because all in all, the financial part of your life was also complicated. A visit to the bank, a mortgage proposal, expenses for the large yard and the last remnants of your student fund. You looked through apartment websites for sale and just that idea left you incredibly depressed because, on top of everything else, you were a crybaby who lost the comfort of a husband who paid most of the household bills. And not to mention the job, because… damn, the fucking job. It had been days since you closed your eyes and saw Nick, Isla, Emma, ​​Ballard, Mathias; what kind of fucking burnout was that?

So that night, when your heels were swollen and your back was sore, you allowed yourself a few minutes of privilege. Bath salts, then the heat of refreshing water and, among other things you haven't done in a long time, you felt a little sorry for yourself, felt like Emma did you so fucking wrong and you needed to be put in a victim’s place for a while. 

Connors had posted a photo with the guys on Instagram – you saw it by chance, one hand resting your head on the edge of the bathtub and the other scrolling through your phone. ‘bday party w/ the fella 🔥🔥🔥’, with Benny below his arm in what looked like a half drunk pose, in what also looked like a strip club in the background. You stared at it for a moment. Then another. Then another. There were easy smiles, joyfulness, even happiness; like it was just a standard day, as if the world was okay as soon as the first beer landed on their tables. 

There was never a question with them, a doubt. It was as if, arbitrarily, the main characteristic of a cop wasn’t useful for them to become the ideal professionals that everyone thought they were. There is no need for moral duty, responsibility and care, as proof that the world, in itself, was also not moral, responsible and careful. 

That was it. It was this pain, this itch, that disturbed you, because you knew that no questions were directed at Theodore when things ended. He, above the law, with money in his pocket and a successful career ahead of him, didn’t receive any dirty looks for having cheated on his own wife, who in turn would, in fact, receive condescending comments, pats on the shoulder of comfort and an unfair response from a boss, who attributed your problems to the great evil of having lost an idiot husband. That was what you always hated the most. 

Before you could put down the device, the screen changed theme: Benny was calling. It wasn't a text, it was a call. 

You hesitated before answering.

“... Yes?”

“Hey,” The other end of the line was clear, even if you presumed he was still in the club with the guys. “You busy?”

“Mm-hm,” You frowned. “Something happened?” 

“No.”

“... Ah.”

“Just wanted to check on you. You probably think that I’m a jerk right now.”

You lifted your torso and sat in the bathtub, more confused than you expected. For a beat you didn’t say anything. 

“You do.”

“No! No, I… I don’t think… anything. Why do you think that?” But he didn’t need to answer because you knew. “If that’s because we’re not doing anything, there’s no hard feelings. We’re just having fun, right?”

Benny sighed. 

“Yeah, we were.”

“So you don’t need to explain yourself.”

And before you could stop yourself, you added something else that made your eyes close in regret. 

“Things are kinda crazy right now.” 

You didn't want to go back to the atmosphere of that lunch. It wasn't your fault or his, but it was as if there was an external interference, a weight of your different ideals, even if they weren't in question at that moment. That's why you had convinced yourself to give it a chance, to go out with him in the first place: because it wasn't work. And suddenly you were stupid and brought it up as soon as he got in touch after so long.

“How’s Gina?” He decided to ask, which made you squirm in discomfort. 

“She’s fine,” You conceded. “Nick?”

“He’s good.”

Another pause. 

“... Well, I’m certain that you don’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t, you’re right.”

“Yeah,” You let out a low embarrassed giggle, biting your bottom lip. “Neither do I.”

Another pause. You couldn’t hear a thing for the other side and, for a long stretched moment, it felt like you two were measuring each other’s breaths. 

“I didn't know it was Connors' birthday,” Which worked. Benny sighed in defeat, but it was better to talk about Murph’s ideas of parties than anything else. 

That was how fucked up the whole situation was. 

“We kinda did something. He always makes a big deal of that stuff.”

“You don’t?” 

“Nah, I’m old. Pushing closer to my 50s already. Whoever said middle age life for men it’s their peak, but that’s bullshit.” 

“If you were Telly Savalas, perhaps,” The teasing didn’t go unnoticed by him, who scoffed a laugh. It made you smile too. “So your party ended early.” 

“Couldn’t stay long there. My sister made up dinner because one of my nieces is going to college. Right now I’m sleeping in my old bathroom at my mom’s house.” 

“What, Benny Magalon still fits in his childhood bed?” 

“You know me enough to know how well I fit.”

Deep down, you realized that he didn't say that in a charming way to induce you into some kind of phone sex or something like that. He sounded a little indifferent, actually, and even lazy, as if that was what he should tell you because of the circumstances. You felt a certain relief when you noticed the tone in his voice, because you didn't feel up to it that day.

He moved on the other side, just like you.

“Are you gonna ask what I am wearing?” You teased with a small smile. 

“You’re naked. I heard the sound of water, so you’re in a bathtub.” 

“Aren’t you a smart detective.”

“Now who’s the one being a charmer,” He said.

“If I was, I would ask what you’re wearing.”

“I’m wearing sleep shorts.”

“Mm.”

“With no underwear.”

“Ooh, how sexy.” 

“Right.”

You two shared a quiet, peaceful laugh. You leaned back in the bathtub and rested your head on the edge of it, staring at the ceiling as you heard him moving again on the other side.

There was a hint of subtext, as if you wanted to say something and so did he, but no one knew how because it wasn't something as casual as a sexual joke or small talk. He called, after all, and if this was a failed attempt to 'relax', he had already made it clear that he wasn't very interested either. What was it, anyway? Should you bring up the subject of Isla? Should you two keep talking about this?

“Enjoy that bathtub for me,” Like a goodbye, voice and mind probably in another place. 

“I hate this fucking thing.”

“Enjoy it anyway. God knows it can give us a break. We all need it.”

“Yeah… Tell Connors I said happy birthday.” 

“Will not.”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. 

“Good night, Benny.”

“Good night, gatita.” 

You abandoned the phone at the closed toilet seat as soon as the line was off, but you kept looking at the device for a while, as if waiting for something to happen or just expecting that sensation of unsaid things to go away. It shouldn’t hit you this hard – shouldn’t make you feel like things were simply falling apart. 

You just wanted to be sure for once that things wouldn’t be so difficult all the time. 

****

The first sip of coffee was distracted. When the taste hit your tongue, you immediately grimaced and threw the drink back into the cup, staring at the totally undrinkable dark thing.

Great. No good coffee as well. 

You wiped the corners of your mouth with your fingers and left the cup on the table, a little unsure whether you should throw it away or not. After little consideration, you just threw it in the trash can, massaging your eyes with the heels of your hands before taking a long breath. 

The break room was naturally busy in the morning, with people on double shifts and those who were arriving, like you, in and out of the tiredness of the end of the day with the beginning of another. Everyone was chatting amongst themselves, exchanging details about cases they were working on or the new bar that had opened nearby, so it was a bit strange that as soon as you rolled your shoulders to ease the tension, everyone turned their attention to a Lennon out of breath who entered the room with an urgent voice.

“Did you know?” That's all he said, then turning on the TV and stopping in the middle of the tables to watch it. You, who were further in front and close to the coffee machine, had to lift your head a little more to understand what was happening.

“Recognized for the successful work carried out on the Merrimen case, Los Angeles County Major Crimes, coincidentally on the day of the closure of one of the most intense operations carried out in the city and credited in its name, hands over the most recent drug trafficking case to the Drug Enforcement Administration, the DEA…” 

You could hear some gasps from your colleagues, murmurs and then shushings, so that they remained quiet and could listen carefully to what was there as if it wasn't obvious. After that, you just stared at the screen in disbelief, your brow furrowed and your hands outstretched at your sides. When they cut to the scene of the press conference in the building's press room, which appeared to have taken place not long before you arrived, you could only see Nick standing next to the sheriff, Walsh's team, and Mathias himself at the lectern making the announcement. 

Mathias's voice was a background sound, almost like an irritating noise in the silence of that room that seemed palpable. No commotion, no direct press releases, just a 'peaceful transition' (Walsh's words) to 'a more prepared and complete team' (also Walsh’s words), which indirectly could mean more than cutting spending by the County government but rather a nudge coward of someone who didn't have the balls to chest someone basically… male.

You felt a little bad about that. 

But, heavens, everyone thought that. And when Gina, of all those present, said mid Walsh's phony speech right after he highlighted the inefficiency of the forensic team (a part you only realized when he used the terms 'difficulty communicating with experts' and 'inadequacy expert with the magnitude of the case'), you blinked and saw her standing for herself, arms crossed and ready to fight.

“Nick does that fucking shit and we get the blame,” She said to the TV. 

Then you got hit by a huge wave of realization. Of Emma, of Benny, of the ‘codes’ they were using to talk with you, the alerts. You didn't imagine this had been shared with Gina, or with anyone else, but it sounded so premeditated that you felt a shiver of distrust.

No one there got caught up in it because they didn't have time, but everyone recognized the mechanisms and adapted to them. Neither you nor Gina whined much when the sheriff organized annual running competitions and didn't stay to reward the winning women; from what little you knew of Henderson, you didn't see him complaining, for example, about the fact that Nick always put him in for questioning black suspects, tapping him twice on the shoulder and saying 'you know what to do', but heavy in a condescending tone. Hell, you always saw the same ridiculous type of episode happening with Lennon as well. 

Taken back to reality by the commotion bubbling between your colleagues, you noticed Emma standing in the doorway as if she had sneakily appeared to observe the reactions and the two of you exchanged very tense silent looks. She didn’t look defeated, but averted your gaze as soon as it became just a staring contest. 

You turned to the TV – to the takes of Nick and the guys during the Merrimen case, then at their faces during the press conference. 

Huh. 

****

The atmosphere was burial-like, to say the least. You had spent the day in the lab, like a forced routine return, and it was as if no one had the balls to open their mouth and speak verbally about the subject. There were official emails from the DEA requesting evidence that had already been collected, reminders from Emma about other cases you were working on in parallel, one thing or another from Ballard (who didn't know how to create an email conversation and ended up answering each of your responses with a new email). There was a sepulchral silence from Major Crimes, but not the kind that left them untainted in the precinct's dome of recognition and social hierarchy – it was a shameful silence.

If you could bet on a collective concern, perhaps everyone was tense at the idea of ​​having been publicly exposed as incompetent, and if even the best team of detectives in the county had failed, there was no certainty of the stability of the Department's resources. This would not only make the LASD incompetent (or corrupt), but also incomplete.

You have a new text! You looked at the phone screen lazily, already expecting anything else, but when you saw who it really was, you couldn’t help but feel reticent and, at best, surprised.

****

“Is this your bat cave or something?” 

The door to the building's terrace always got stuck, but that was just one of the old or poorly working things in that place. Your comment was more to break the ice, to kill that sour mood after you stumbled to close the thing. You took a few steps closer to O'Brien and the others, the five of them sitting around in concrete boxes. 

“Was that supposed to be funny?” Zapata asked with a scowl, to which made you raise your eyebrows at the animosity.  

“I think so, but if you're offended I think I'm on the right track.” 

“You really are a bitch.”

“Tony-” Benny intervened. 

“Yo, there’s no need to-” Connors said.

“Yeah, Zapata, watch your fucking mouth,” Biting back wasn’t exactly the best idea, because you knew the spirits were agitated, but it was obvious that the context didn’t allow for that type of behavior against you. Everyone there knew that that reaction was the remnant of misdirected anger. 

You two shared a silent glare. Tony considered your face for a moment and you did the same; when Magalon pushed him to avert the attention, Zapata waved him off and walked away – you and Benny shared a small glance, one he soon ended to look at Nick, who watched the scene while lighting a cigarette. 

“We done?” He asked. 

“Don’t know, Nick, are we?” You sighed in defeat, sitting on a concrete support and looking anywhere but him. “You said it was important.”

“It is.”

“Is it about the case?”

“He used Isla. We think it had some internal interference.”

And so, being a somewhat literate person in the context of dealing with cops, you could see the pattern and tone of the conversation that had just begun: it was almost an interrogation. Everyone there, kind of around him, looking for the person who would go to the guillotine. It took a while, between the silence that followed, the way everyone (except Benny) was staring at you and Zapata's reaction so spontaneously explosive, but when you lifted your head and looked at that scene, connecting the dots, you frowned and felt truly offended. 

“Wow.”

“We need to be sure.”

“And it would be me for… what, exactly?” He didn’t answer, which made you scoff and giggle in disbelief. “Look, I know my friend wouldn't do that, but as any normal person you could ask Gina that, right?” 

“We did,” Henderson said. “We investigated and there was nothing.” 

“That means you investigated me as well?” 

You felt a pang of frustration greater than the outrage you were feeling. And despite the secret behind you and Benny, who shook his head, it was on him that you closed your eyes for a moment before looking back at Nick, who had his eyes downcast, scratching at the ground while blowing smoke from his mouth.

“You are all a bunch of fuckers.”

“You reacted to Isla,” O’Brien argued with a monotonous tone. “And you said I would be fucked if I messed with you again.”

“Because I’m a human being, Nick, the fuck.” 

No one said a word. There was this soft breeze flowing around, given the time of the year and the area where you were, one that you noticed that made their hairs flow and you shiver a little. If you paid close attention, you would see frustration and rage and that regular disappointment of a kid when they have lost a toy they like or are denied a candy. The loss, whatever it was, hurt for them but not for professional reasons but for honor. A very uncompensated and arbitrary honor, but an honor nonetheless. And it was always easier to blame someone else. You knew it was easy to make a calculation that would work for you because there would always be the feeling that you were impulsive, stubborn, even cruel – because men hurt you, because you still resent things in your personal life.

“I think it's common sense that almost no one here likes you very much,” You said in a low tone. “And we can agree that ethics and professionalism aren’t exactly the main pillars of what you do.”

Nobody said anything, because you were right. It was actually impressive that you managed to maintain a calm, almost soothing tone right after being basically accused of something so serious. Deep down, you felt that, at least, Nick didn't put much faith in this hypothesis, that this was a demonstration of power in front of others because his hands were tied and this was truly new to him. 

And you didn't ask what the plan was, what they were going to do next. You didn't care about that. No one needed to cry because they lost the case, it was obvious that it wasn't the first time this had happened – it certainly wasn't the last either.

Nick puffed some smoke out of his chest, eyeing you for a moment. Then, with a ‘tsk’, he huffed and crouched down, elbows resting on his eyes, making eye contact. 

“Someone reported the investigation to the Embassy. Walsh had us up against the wall as soon as you mentioned the fucking case in Long Beach because the bastard found out about her and me. I was exposed. I'm testing my options here and one of them includes the fact that you curiously knew that they were the same specifications in both cases,” He said. “Gina just found that out and spit to the whole fucking world to know. She’s not that dumb to risk herself to do so.”

“Yeah, but I am, because apparently it didn't occur to you that I was just good at my damn job. The fact that I knew about the pics was just a question of someone giving me a fucking clue?” You raised your eyebrows. “I got my degree and my master's at the same time, you son of a bitch. I don't need to suck anyone's balls to know how to do my job.” 

You two looked at each other. Nick was clenching his jaw, holding words in his mouth and turning them around enough so they could come back in a dry swallow. When he looked away first, blinking a few times, it was the first time you really saw genuine frustration, a moment of weakness that maybe, one day, Debbie had seen, or that the co-workers who were around him at the moment also witnessed in a rare way. 

Your brow was furrowed and you were truly confused and mad by this gap. Looking around, above O'Brien's head, you saw Zapata looking at the city below him with an annoyed look, his back to the two of you; Murph kept his hands in his hoodie pockets, Henderson had his arms crossed. Benny watched you, then looked at the ground, shaking his head. 

No, this wasn't about you, nor was it your fault – of course it wasn’t. In that context, you were just a part of the realization of something you hadn't touched until you saw every defeated feature on that rooftop. 

“... Are you sure?” You asked, blinking a few times with a shaky voice. 

Nick shook his head. 

“And you expect me to do something about it?”

“No,” He said with a firm tone, getting up on his feet. “No one here is sure. I figured you knew something since-”

“Since you thought I had something to do with it, yeah, I noticed,” It was directed to Tony, who just tsked and averted his gaze again. 

When everyone kept quiet, not daring to admit their mistake or even apologize, you were the one getting up, still not sure how to react and uncertain of how to end that conversation. 

“Never do that to me again, don’t-” You collected your voice, clearing your throat. “I never considered myself such a good person, but next to you I'm a fucking saint. I put up with a lot of shit from Walsh and Emma because of you, so shut the hell up before you dare think I'd change sides. If there is any side to this shit.” 

“I needed to be sure.”

“I hope you had all the answers you needed,” There was harshness in your tone, almost a fury. And surprisingly, he didn’t answer that equally. “And yeah, I’ll be honest, okay? You were a coward. I don’t like you. Go eat shit.” 

“It’s easy to say that after you put Benny in the middle of whatever it is you have with Walsh.”

“Listen now-”

“Excuse me?” You frowned, not even letting Magalon finish the interruption he was doing while getting closer. “I didn't ask anyone here to defend me! If this fucking case went wrong, try to consider your incompetence or the fact that no one asked you to fuck a suspect.”

When he kept quiet again, you scoffed, shaking your head. 

“It’s so easy, isn’t it? Walk around like you rule every place, do whatever the fuck you want, put the blame on everyone to feel better… Gina was right. You’re just like Walsh. Just like him.”

You nodded. 

“You always had all the tricks in hand and let a widowed single mother almost get killed by a gang. Curious of you to think anyone is responsible but you.” 

Turning your back, you walked away from him, already opening the door to leave the rooftop. Before you could, though, you eyed him one more time. 

“Whatever your plan is, when and if they ask me, I'll be sincere. About you and about her. Because I can do that.” 

“You would never say anything against Emma.”

The mention of her name, like an answer to your question, made you flex your fingers in anger. 

“... And I don't blame you for not believing that. It’s clear that it's been a while since you've been able to understand honesty.”

****

“You called her a bitch.”

Hearing Benny's voice break the silence was strange, so everyone was confused before understanding what he was saying. When they did, he saw Zapata shift uncomfortably on the couch, looking at the coffee table.

“I didn't think straight at the moment.”

“It seems like no one here has done that.”

“You want to say something?” Nick pressed with a rough tone, as if ready to snap at the detective right away. Benny measured him, shrugged. 

“I told you it was a bad idea. With Isla and with her.”

“We needed to get around it all, test possibilities. This shit is going to get ugly soon.”

“And you pushed away one of the few people who could keep us from getting screwed over too.” 

When they exchanged glances after Benny's response, there was a silent consensus that the disagreements were slowly getting bigger, something that had been surrounding the group long before you showed up or the case.

Everyone continued smoking in silence and the tense atmosphere didn’t dissipate. Things weren't going well.

****

You knew what you were getting into when you started your career there – you always did. Your parents looked at you the wrong way at first, Theodore always treated it as a temporary thing, and your friends always told you that a lab somewhere was great, or a university could be perfect for anyone who wanted to invest in the academic field, or a friend's company in private sector needed a professional who had the same qualifications as you. 

Still, you resisted the comments in the same way that someone resists some kind of temptation: you laughed, you chatted away and no one brought it up again. You didn't consider those things because you liked the stability that a government job gave you, and people just couldn't understand that.

It was the first time you really considered it. You have recapitulated occasions, measured the possibilities; maybe LASD was no longer the most stable place in the world to be, nor the safest.

The marijuana stash (that's what your brother called it) was in the drawer next to the bed. When you were with Theodore, he also used it, although he didn't really like it because he had headaches, so it was a common thing in the house. You were on your third or fourth drink, eyeing the files and releasing smoke into the air. There was no music, just the low light in the room and the brightness of Kojak's aquarium, so sometimes you needed to squint to see small letters of your own handwriting.

You revisited the case, reviewed your notes and copies of the evidence. Whether it was the effect of the marijuana drink, or your paranoid conscience, you wanted to know if at any point you missed something that indicated a failure in your judgment, if Nick was right or if you ended up taking the whole case down with Isla. 

Someone had been trying to call for half an hour, but you didn't answer –it must have been someone from work, because if it had been a family member they would already be knocking on the door. You didn't even look in the direction of the phone; the vibrations started to bother you but not distract you.

Before you could put the cigarette back in your mouth, someone knocked on the door. The doorbell had stopped working a while ago and that was one of the things that had to be fixed before you could sell that fucking house. 

“Who’s it?” You asked in a high voice, not moving from your spot. 

No one answered. That made you frown, then finally snap your eyes in the door’s direction. You waited. Seconds later, your phone had gone off. 

“... Hello?” 

“It’s me. Lemme in?”

Everything was screaming for you to say no, to hang up and leave him waiting outside until he gave up and disappeared. It would be very convenient for him to be there, ready to convince you of something, to be more malleable; it made sense. He could still be trying to take something out of you, as far as you knew. Still, you were a little out of orbit from the weed, slightly sluggish and relaxed, so you calmly got up, abandoned the files where they were spread on the coffee table and walked over, opening it but not waiting too long to see him enter before turning around again. 

You took slow steps into the room. There was the sound of the door closing, then being locked, and then his footsteps coming behind, but keeping his distance. 

“Weed?” He asked. 

“Are you going to arrest me?”

“I could,” That answer made you snort. “But it’s Cali. And you’re literally my teenage wet dream right now, so I can let it pass.”

Teasing or not, you looked at yourself and noticed your clothes (or lack thereof): panties, a long t-shirt. When you turned to him, standing in the middle of the room, Benny was staring at your legs, but he wasn't smiling.

“You're like a broken record, you know that?” You raised your eyebrows, hands on your hips. “All you say is that I'm in your dreams. This is cheesy as fuck.” 

“You didn't complain about that when you were riding me.”

“Oh, so this is my fault?”

“Well, you’re being quite hypocritical.”

“Fuck off.”

“Stop it.”

“What do you want?”

“You didn't answer my calls.”

“That doesn't answer my question, so I guess we're even.”

He was tense, stressed. You could tell. Benny wouldn't talk to you like that if he wasn't angry about something, maybe even frustrated because you weren't 'clear-headed' to talk at all. 

For a few seconds, he considered you while licking his lips, as if the gears were turning in his head. Yours was also moving, but more gradually, slowly, which left you a little unresponsive when you saw him take off his jacket.

“This must be good, you didn't even hear me.”

“Mm?” You blinked, taking in the sight of his forearms while he lifted his shirt sleeves. That made him crack a giggle. 

“Can I have some?” 

Oh. Oh. The weed. He was already walking closer to the coffee table to grab the joint between two fingers, eyes swiping over the papers, so you watched in awe as he put the cig on his lips and took a long drag, eyeing the burning tip with curiosity. Benny hummed and nodded while puffing the smoke.

“Shit’s really good. How did you get it?” 

“... My brother,” And before he could take another drag, you picked the joint from his hands. “Smoke, hold and pass. That's the rule.” 

“Are we in college or somethin’?”

“Shut up and sit down.”

That's what you two did – him on the couch, you on the carpet in front of him. You took another drag, handed over the cigarette and he brushed his hands on your shoulders before grunting, probably leaning back on the cushions. 

****

It was a very silent few minutes, almost making you forget that Benny was there. When the effect of marijuana hit him, he was already lying on the sofa, without his shoes or his top shirt, limiting himself to showing his arms in a white tank top. This gave you a period of lucidity, very brief, and soon there was no more marijuana to smoke, despite the joint not being finished.

All your caution was being thrown out the window, you knew, but it wasn't like it was going to make any difference. 

“Hey,” You called him in a low tone. 

“Mm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Benny stayed quiet for a moment or two, as if gathering his thoughts, then you listened to him squirming on the couch, getting on his side to look at you even if you still had your back at him. Sensing that he was waiting for you to give him the same attention, you adjusted yourself and stared at him. 

“Shoot it.”

“What happened with Walsh wasn’t on purpose.”

Silence. For a beat, you even thought that he didn’t hear you, given the fact he was already zoning out a little. You started to feel embarrassed, weird. Well, you were high, which could lead to a version of you who would babble about a lot of nonsense and shit, but that was something that came from your lucid mind, probably a thing you wouldn’t say so softly without the weed. 

“It wasn’t a question,” He teased in a calm voice, smiling at you. 

“... I know,” You smiled back, but it turned into a bunch of stupid giggling. 

It cooled down soon. 

“I didn’t see it this way, you know. Walsh is a stupid motherfucker,” He said after a while.

“Jackass.”

“Dickhead.”

“Yeah… His head looks like a dick. An ugly one.”

“And there’s any pretty dicks somewhere?”

“Just as there’s pretty pussies.” 

“Have you ever seen others?”

You looked at each other, a small smile playing on your lips. When realization started to slowly creep on him, he opened his mouth in shock. 

“It was in college-”

“Always in college,” He rolled his eyes, grinning like an idiot. 

“I had this friend, Kennedy. We were roommates, I was single at the time, you know… It happened. But now we’re just good friends.”

“Mm.”

“I’m serious!” You laughed. 

“So you’re telling me that if this Kennedy comes up here tonight, ask to go down on you or whatever, you would say no?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Fuck, I would. I’m not cold blooded, gatita.”

A series of laughs filled the living room again. 

“We’re going out of the question here, yeah? Having a serious conversation.”

“You were the one talking about dicks here!”

“Because you called Walsh a dickhead!”

“Okay,” He sighed, adjusting his body to lean over his arm and have a better look at you. Little by little, Benny started to frown, as if thinking hard on something. You would be lying if you said it wasn’t a beautiful sight. 

“So?” 

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” His voice was soft, calm, even if a little concerned. “Plus, you had just signed a divorce and Walsh was there talking about it, humiliating you. That wasn't right.” 

You considered his words calmly, blinking heavily but still paying attention. 

“Nick wasn’t in his right mind when he said that.”

“You think?”

“Mm-hm. You shouldn’t worry about it,” And you knew he was talking about the files spread behind you, so you felt a wave of embarrassment. 

“...You’re not just saying that, are you?” The question was serious, probably the first serious thing you said since he came to your house out of nowhere. 

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re with them. Like… you know. With them.”

Benny nodded, taking in your words carefully. 

“Fair enough.” 

But he didn’t push the topic, nor tried to apologize or something. He let you have your doubts, probably because he himself couldn’t help but agree that maybe, if it was the other way around, there would be uncertainty on his part as well. You sighed, then, turning your eyes to the carpet and poking it every now and then, as if looking for something on it with false concentration.

“Hey.”

“Mm?”

“Come here.”

“What?”

“‘Wanna feel you,” He almost whined, sitting up and pulling you by the fabric of your shirt. 

“That’s why you came? To feel me?”

“Are you fucking mocking me, woman?”

“I am,” You got on your knees carefully, smirking at him lazily. “Looked like you just waited for the best opportunity to come back here and fuck me.” 

“But I don’t wanna fuck you, I wanna feel you.”

“What’s the difference?” 

The position you stayed couldn’t be more convenient: him, starting to sit as well, legs spread while you rose on your knees, ready to get up. It gave him some time to stare at you with a lazy grin. 

“Saying I wanna fuck would imply that I just came here for it,” He explained. “Feeling you could lead to sex, but with some warm up.”

“All the times we had sex had some warm up,” You argued, hands gripping his thighs lightly. 

“And it was so good, wasn’t it?” Benny asked when you rose just a little to get closer to his face. 

You observed his face for a moment before raising up to peck his lips lightly. When he just sighed, melting into it, you smiled and gave him another kiss, this time a little longer, wetter – enough to, when you part ways, it made a muah. The fabric of your shirt was worn out, old enough to make it more thin and give you a better feel when you gently brushed your chest on his. It made you sigh against his lips, doing it again when he groaned a little, unable to move a muscle but reacting in slow breaths. 

Both of you, silly high adults, brushing your noses, kissing soundly and ready to fuck each other’s brains out as if the world wasn’t basically on fire. 

“I didn’t come here for this, tho.”

This made you move your face, just a little, and the look on your eyes scrunched up in confusion. It felt like a spontaneous burst of lucidity, almost like a punch, and when he turned his face to the side, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, you felt brutally rejected. You moved your hands away from his legs. Suddenly, the carpet was hurting your knees and you stood up, muttering a 'sorry' as you sat on the edge of the sofa, a little away from him. 

“Did you come to defend Nick or something?” 

“This has nothing to do with Nick.”

“So why are you here? To tease about us fuck and not doing a thing about it?”

He considered your face for a moment, still taking in the effects of the weed – even if you both started to feel more buzzed then properly high. 

“You don't want to go to war with him.”

“Oh,” You raised your eyebrows, scoffing a sarcastic giggle. “So you came to be a gentleman and defend me from the evils of disagreeing with Nicholas O'Brien? I thought you made it clear that you didn't have much chivalry in your personality.”  

“I don’t.”

“Mm.”

“But that has nothing to do with chivalry. You’re not being rational.”

“About…?” 

Benny sighed.

“We both know it was Emma.” 

“That shit again…” You groaned, getting up brusquely from your seat and wobbling a little before starting to walk away to the kitchen. 

“What happened was-”

“A mistake. A fucking mistake.” 

When you turned, Benny was up too, standing a few feet closer to the kitchen entrance with his arms hanging loosely on his sides. The lack of answer made you shake your head, grabbing a glass bottle of water from the fridge and drinking a good amount. 

That made everything silent. With both hands on the kitchen’s sink, you closed your eyes and collected your thoughts. 

“I'm not naive to think she couldn't have been involved in this, but I'm not naive or stupid to absolve Nick of the shit he should be responsible for,” You glared at him, noticing his dry lips, the way he just blinked at you with a stern expression. With a tsk, you caught hold of a cup in the sink for him and poured some water in it, not daring to give, but letting it rest closer. 

He came, grabbed the cup. 

You could feel the effects of the marijuana, which were already weaker before, start to leave your system. You were sick, you made a face, but you swallowed your discomfort with more water. 

“I'm not Isla.”

It slipped out of your mouth like a slim and unstable thought, one that made him just nod, sipping on the water calmly while leaning on the sink beside you, eyeing the other side of the room. 

“Didn’t think you were.” 

“No?”

“Nn-nn.”

“So you didn’t investigate me?” 

You knew you had him cornered the moment you said it, but Benny didn't show any anger. He stayed quiet, sipped the rest of the water and stood in front of you, face to face, in such a firm way that you almost backed away if you weren't so irritated.

“If I were as much of a son of a bitch as you think I am, I would have let you finish what you started on that couch,” That made you avert your gaze, but he gently pushed your chin, bringing you to eye his face again. “I'm not Nick. Despite my inclinations, I didn’t ask you out in the first place to investigate you.”

“Right, so it was another thing you said was a bad idea to Nick?” 

“Yes, it was.” 

“Bullshit,” You scoffed, taking a step back. “So you’re that good of a person to get along with Nick’s shit and still be his moral compass? Gimme a break, Benny, I’m not that naive.”

Before he could answer, you kept going. 

“She's just a bargaining chip. She always was. And despite our visibly very different lives, I know what it's like to be used and then discarded as if you’re nothing, as if every promise was nothing more than a lie to achieve something very personal, something that never had to do with you,” You said. “I don't want you to come here and expect me to point fingers or accuse people. If it was Emma, ​​if it was Walsh, it doesn't make any difference if the person primarily responsible for this doesn't take the real blame.” 

“You know the world isn’t a fairytale, don't you?”

“I do! And Isla knows it too, better than anyone! This has nothing to do with an imaginary, but with commitment! When was the last time Nick used his badge for anything other than taking it out of his pocket while a whore gave him a blowjob?”

Nothing. Just silence. For a long, perceptive, heavy moment: silence. 

Benny shook his head in disbelief. 

“Emma received a letter of recommendation from the DEA forensic department,” He said in a low tone, catching you completely by surprise. That felt like a test, the way he observed your reaction with care, looking for an answer. When he found it, Benny nodded. “That's why I came here.”

“... What? I don’t understand.”

“I can't remember the last time I had five minutes of conversation with someone who had nothing to do with this shit. It takes me time to believe just as much as it does to you to know I tried to give him some sense, so if I’m here it's because I know you’re not involved and you need to know there’s people around you doing shit.” 

You could barely process the information, what that implied, because you had every right to disbelieve and have your doubts. There was a suspicious look on your face, he knew that because you didn't hide it, but he didn't take offense this time.

“Just stay away. Things are going to get fucked up,” He was definitive. “God knows I’ll have to be away as well.” 

****

No pressure tags:

@cheesybadgers  

@thesandbeneathmytoes ​

@nerdyreaderpapi

@thoroughlymodernminutia

@mysoulisasunflower

@seaweeden

@eclecticfashionbookszipper

@servenas-inner-fangirl

[altschmerzes]

Gav I am SO sorry for the length of this ….. also I am going to send a general “how are you doing ask” because this is all Jamie stuff (very therapeutic to talk about him after the week I’ve had) so I hope that’s okay!!!

Okay. So.

Jamie in this episode? A delight. I mean, he’s always a delight but WOW, I didn’t think I could love him more. And I LOVE that he was so happy and silly and having fun and I don’t want my take to take away from that (because I have been in the state I think he was in many times before).

I don’t know if this was intentional from Phil, but I think Jamie was manic in this episode — specifically trauma induced mania. I think that Amsterdam, understandably, was a HUGE trigger for him.

In that heartbreaking scene where Jamie shares something very difficult with Roy, he says “even though my dad weren’t there, it was like he was still with us, y’know?”

Cut to:

Jamie mimicking his dad’s mannerisms from his very first scene (the play punches, the frenetic energy)

Jamie reverting to being a prick for all of two seconds (the tie your laces comment was probably something he heard from his father) to see how far he could push Roy before Roy snapped at him

Running Roy ragged across the streets of Amsterdam the entire episode lol

This sent me spiralling a little because there is SO much evidence to show that Jamie was in trauma / manic in this episode, and how those mannerisms relate to that.

Cut to:

Nonstop movement, running, round offs, bouncing up and down on the spot

Lack of attention span and impulsivity — deciding they need bikes and running off to find them using his street smarts (again, likely mimicking what he has seen his father do) and also deciding that they HAVE to find a windmill. Like absolutely determined, nothing was stopping that boy lmao

Peaking in energy and then suddenly calming down once he’s taught Roy how to ride a bike

Info-dumping and non stop talking

Being confused why Roy wouldn’t want to join in on his imagined adventure “these bikes have just made tonight AMAZING!”

Now listen. Being a person with mania, you can be manic and still be …. you. I think so many of these Jamie moments are hilarious and adorable and not all down to that, but he was DEFINITELY in trauma … getting to that now:

He’s in this crazy good mood the whole night, and then he decides to share ….. the thing ….. with Roy. I think that might be his subconscious bringing up this trauma and sort of explaining the mood he’s been in, which is extremely chaotic for the entire episode until he voices it. Even if he doesn’t KNOW it’s traumatising (“she loved it”), there is something going on here. And the fact that he SUBCONSCIOUSLY, maybe even consciously I don’t know, recognised that being in Amsterdam was a trigger for him and then apologised for the way it made him behave ??????? I’m actually tearing up thinking about it I’m so fucking proud that is UNBELIEVABLE

Also. “I don’t really remember.”

I don’t think I need to explain to you how fucking heart wrenching that is but. Fuck.

This is a super jumbled and badly put mess of an ask because I am very sleep deprived but. This episode just meant so much to me because I relate to Jamie SO MUCH in this. I have genuinely had a night very similar and I am almost certainly projecting but. Yeah. To people with abuse trauma, at least for me, this was genuinely the most nuanced depiction of it that I’ve ever, EVER seen, and I don’t even know if they did it on purpose.

IM SO SORRY FOR THIS ITS NOT VERY GOOD READING IT OVER. I am definitely projecting. And also want to be clear that it isn’t JUST trauma stuff like this is also a very wholesome development in Roy and Jamie’s relationship with some very touching and hilarious moments that I’m terrified to undermine and I’m scared it’s an awful take but. Just needed to share it with you

ALLL MY LOVE AS ALWAYS <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

never apologize for long messages!!!! i love long messages i love hearing from and chatting with my pals including my pen pals.... and like yeah. yeah i have been so much thinking about all of this. like he was happy! he was really happy at a lot of points in that episode but it had a bit of a weird exaggerated energy that didn't click until that point later when he told that. frankly brutal story that like ah, okay, that all makes sense now. he was upbeat and happy and it was clear he was having a good time and like you said, it was a lovely and touching and hilarious sequence in their subplot but 'manic' is the word that kept coming to mind. like, when you've got a mix of horrifying feelings and happy feelings about something and you decide no, i'm HAPPY i'm focusing on the good part i am FINE it's FINE it's all FINE, see how happy i am? see how normal and not ruined i am??

and yeah same i feel the same way about like- regardless of whether it was done intentionally that combination of that almost manic energy and 'i don't remember' and the way he brings it up as like- you get the feeling, really, that he knows on some level that what happened to him there was deeply, profoundly not okay, but doesn't quite know how to talk about it? gave me the same feeling that some of his comments earlier to higgins and ted did like. 'i want someone to tell me this wasn't okay, but i don't know how to say it.' and yeah like. the i don't remember comment... man that hit hard. his behaviour in that whole scene hit hard.

and that line about like. even though he wasn't there he was there with us..... winded me. that line winded me. if you grow up with an angry man in your house there will always be an angry man in your house, if you are born in a burning house you think the whole world is on fire, etc etc. it's a really complex and extremely familiar portrait of abuse trauma and i really, really appreciated seeing it. even if it's reading too much into it, even if it's projecting, i really appreciated it.

and man the whole thing especially with him bringing it up and then apologizing to roy like- i'm really proud of him for that too. he's trying really, extremely hard this season and doing such a good job of Being An Adult, being responsible, being accountable, being Good. even in situations where it has to feel unbelievably scary and threatening - going to the coaches about zava and presenting his concerns to the whole room full of authority figures he admires and respects, telling roy that story and then taking the initiative to apologize, even before this season, 'if you know how to make me better, i want to hear it' - it's just like. he's giving everything he has to do better, be better. he's- gutting himself, in pursuit of Being Good, in a couple of different ways and MAN it's like. it's hard to watch but it's incredible to watch at the same time. man. there's a reason this character absolutely kills me.

[george228732]

Fylass Through the Looking Glass - Chapter Four EX - Village of Serendipity

Dero finally decided to step out of the castle to finally check if those new suspicions on his head were true, but he had already figured out that he would tear up, no matter the answer he could get from all of this, but he was unsure if those tears would be from happiness, or disappointment.

He was afraid of the answer.

The outskirts made themselves present in his eyes, as Ades and Dolly were waiting in there, looking at the lilies outside, some were pretty, some others were red spider lilies, which weren’t ones that Dero, nor Ades liked around. It felt like a bad omen.

"...Are we ready to leave?"

"Yes. To the Tarot Card Village, right?"

"Indeed. If what I am thinking is true, we should find something that could help us with… the Jabberwocky as a whole." He lied for both Ades’ and Dolly’s sake, for he didn’t want them to know about Giselle’s existence. She and Ades were great friends when she was still Queen, but thanks to the Moon of Despair, Ades had to become King out of the lack of a head of royalty.

In case of Dolly, though, Dero had the feeling that she and Giselle were related in some way, for it’s rumored that the bearers of the same suit are always related in some way, and considering the resemblance, the knight become jailer had his suspicions, and wouldn’t want to fill the child’s head with questions she might not want an answer for, as much as he could want to have one.

"Hm, alright. After that, though, we still need to discuss THAT one other topic, if you please." 

"Oh? What other topic are you talking about?" Dolly asked.

"Don’t worry about it, just… adults talking about adult topics."

"Alright, then! Also, Dolly hopes that you don’t have many problems with sending out some of the knights to our mission!" Indeed, there were knights getting out of the castle towards the outskirts too, like Ava, Verin and TK, which were bickering in a friendly manner as they got out.

"Oh, My Queen! We are at your service!" Ava spoke up with glee.

"Dolly’s Knights! Dolly called you to aid us on our adventure!"

At this point, Dero and Ades didn’t have much say on what Dolly could do for obvious reasons, but they thought that this might be a good idea for protection; not that Dero would consider to have this much protection for the journey at hand, however, anything could be possible.

"Hm, alright. People, we are going to the Tarot Village to find something that will aid us in the defeat of the Jabberwocky, once and for all. We might need to talk with the Mayor of Tarot Village too, now that I think about it, for I heard she’s a prophet, and her predictions always have it right around this time of the year, right at solstice."

"Oh! A prophet! Dolly will be excited to see them!"

"A prophet on this land? How didn’t I notice beforehand?" Verin rhymed.

"Hm, I would love to see them too! We were forbidden to get out of the Castle, if only to get to the outskirts to paint the roses red, or on special missions that forced us to get out of the Castle, so it would be nice to finally get to visit Wonderland like we used to!" Twilight Knight said.

Ades got close to them, and gently patted them on the head. "Ah, well, it’s already time for us to get going, alright?" He chuckled. "We can recover our lost time after countless questionable Kings and Queens, at last."

Dero remembered how all of them were friends, but thanks to his demotion as Jailer, he couldn’t be able to reunite with them, only being able to hear the complaints and groans of the people inside the dungeons. It was great to have everything back, but at the end, Dero only wanted one more thing for his life to be complete.

"Well, it’s time to get going, shall we?"

After some more chit chat, the group finally decided to leave the outskirts of the castle, to get towards the Tarot Village, being the place where many of the Wonderlanders live. It usually was filled to the brim with parties, but after the Jabberwocky incident, being the catalyst of Wonderland and Underland’s eternal separation, the mood of the village went down a little. 

Dero was carrying Dolly on his back all the way through, and Ades couldn’t help but laugh a little, as the guards couldn’t help but to feel that something might be going on with them. 

"If we don’t keep catching an eye on these two, we might as well see how our Dero is going to be a dad." Ava said sarcastically to Verin, who quickly remarked, as Twilight Knight tried to find a thread of conversation, until he came up with something.

"Hey, uh… awkward question, but… have you guys had any nightmares last night? Not any "normal" nightmare, though…"

"...Now that you think about that, awful nightmares I surely had."

"Aw, Dolly had a bad dream as well… She can’t remember it well, though…"

Dero and Ades started to be quite suspicious about those statements; from what Dero could see in Ades’ expression, he had nightmares too, but in case of Dero, what he dreamed last night couldn’t be considered a nightmare per se. 

"...What did you guys dream about?"

"...I don’t remember." TK said. "The only thing I am able to remember was the end of it… It was dark, and the only thing I could remember were two green eyes floating in the vantablack space…"

"...We might need to attend some other business until we’re done with the Jabberwocky… There might be other threats around." Dero was certain that this was not normal, and considering those hints, and that talk with the moon above… Something horrible is bound to happen soon, much to Dero’s dismay.

"...Dolly’s scared…"

"...There’s no need to be scared, My Queen." He said. "...Or atleast, I hope so." He murmured as silently as he could.

The path was as joyful as it could be, but there was something in the air that the group couldn’t put a finger on, but seemed suspicious; looking at the ground, the path of dirt and grass became one of a conventional village, made of smooth stones comfortable to the feet.

"Oh, it seems that we’re already here."

Indeed, the village became itself present; its buildings were made of Domino Pieces, stylized dices, among more common houses which were made of popsicle sticks, but they seemed resistant enough for a storm. Whoever made the design of these houses deserves a raise, or better yet, to be fired.

"So… We’re here. What are we looking for, exactly?"

"We need to find the Mayor, of course."

"...Is that the Mayor?" Dolly asked, silently pointing at one specific individual at the center of the village. It was a lady, dressed as a high priestess, like the ones you would see designed in Tarot Cards, ironically enough.

"Yes. I am sure she is. Let me approach her." Dero said as he did as such. 

She was looking at the distance with calm expression, as an odd looking gray jay posed itself on her free hand, the other one being occupied by a flute. She was so serene, that Dero could swear the environment was getting brighter with her presence, as if someone was holding her dearly in their heart. That calm expression quickly became one of curiosity when she looked to her side, seeing Dero approaching her.

"Oh, hello. I assume that you are here on the Queen’s behalf, yes?"

"Actually, the Queen is with me; however, I wanted to confirm some suspicions."

"Oh, that is alright. My name is Aeon, if you didn’t know."

"My name is Dero-" Dero was quickly interrupted by the gentle steps of his Queen approaching him.

"Hi, miss! This is Queen Dolly, but you can call her Dolly!" Aeon was quite surprised to see her Queen just like that, on the outside; that, or because she wasn’t aware that her Queen wasn’t even half her age.

"O-Oh… Hello, dear… What brings you all here?"

"...We’ve been looking for someone special, and I am certain that they’re located around. Could you please guide us towards them?"

"That’s alright. Who is the person you are looking for?"

Dero pondered on the answer; if that letter was nothing but a hoax, his embarrassment couldn’t be outmatched easily, and his hopes would be at rock bottom, and he wasn’t even sure what she would look like at this point. He had to try, though, for he still had hope, against that future despair he was sure approaching.

"We are looking for a blonde lady, with red eyes, and a peach dress with a top hat, is there something with those characteristics?"

"...Not exactly those characteristics, although, from those descriptions, you could be refering to The Craftsman."

"...Craftsman?"

"Indeed. She’s a quite strange individual, a lady that doesn’t speak that much, and always has her eyes hidden. She lives quite at a remote house in that nearby forest." Aeon said as she pointed at one specific point in the woods surrounding the area. "If you see a lone house decorated with thread around, you should be able to recognize it."

The Jailer looked at that same spot, being able to see that it wasn’t that far apart from the place he found himself in Wonderland, around all those 9,000 years ago. He knew what he had to do.

"Thank you, lady-" He was about to speak, until he heard giggling from behind, realizing that it was Dolly, playing with the gray jay that Aeon was holding, and sure enough, she was starting to drift away.

"My Queen! Come back here!" Dero realized that the other Knights and Ades were already going after her, with Ades looking behind, telling him to keep going ahead, for he was sure that Dero could deal with this alone.

"Sigh. Thank you, Miss Aeon. May time be with you." Aeon nodded in a gentle manner, as she kept looking at the distance, until her expression changed suddenly.

"Excuse me, sir. I need to tell you something beforehand."

"...Go on."

"Yesterday, I had a strange prediction, disguised as a nightmare. I saw the four suits, looking at a broken sun and moon, with each star around slowly dying. The suits looked odd however, with their faces scratched out with chalk. I was about to send a letter towards the Queen’s Mailman, Wisp, but you people came beforehand, which is quite coincidental."

Dero was pretty confused.

"...I apologize if my predictions are that cryptic…"

"It’s alright. I’ll discuss this with the Suits later. Now, see you later, if you don’t need anything else to show me."

"I wish you luck, and time may be with you too."

Dero finally decided to leave the village, as he saw how he distanced himself further from civilization, having hope that Ades would be competent enough to catch her and take care of her as the Jailer tried to reach the house Aeon had mentioned.

The forest was dark and gloomy, being much different than the last time he crossed it with Giselle; it felt as if that charm was feeling incomplete. He will complete it, if lucky. It was so quiet that Dero could hear his own heartbeat, only the scurrying steps made by him being the only source of sound, becoming the already eerie place, into a place giving off such a heavy atmosphere.

It wasn’t too long until he realized that, in the exact same place he woke up in Wonderland the first time, now there was an old house, being unable to be found if someone didn’t know the exact same place.

"...This must be it…" Dero did their best to open the door, and the inside was… uncomfortable to say the least. The floor resembled a checkerboard, with brown walls, and red thread hanging from holes coming from the equally brown roof. There was no furniture, only being a hollow, yet messy room of a house.

Dero was about to open the next door, until he heard footsteps coming, and by pure instinct, he prepared for a possible fight, until… someone else opened the door.

She was as beautiful as he remembered her.

She was as shocked as he was at seeing her.

She was his Queen, and he was her Knight.

--------

@heiressofdoodles

@monsterhatdoodles (CREATOR OF THE DRAWINGS!)

@avathestarwarrior

@moon-mage

@ilikesillythingswooo

@loaflovesdoodling

@that-fanperson-meg

@the-chaos-axolotl

@den-of-the-blue-dragon

[ay-chuu]

hi!! I'd like a ship with an mha character please <3. my mbti is infp, my zodiac is pisces. pretty much all my hobbies fall under the art category. I love to draw, paint, crochet, and journal. most my phobias are really "childish" ones, like the dark and heights. I'm not really scared of any bigger things like death and more extreme phobias. I love all animals and nature related things, the color pink, music, and pumpkin flavored anything. I dislike louder noises, conflict, complete silence, and overall rudeness and lack of manners. for my ideal type i prefer someone who isn't seriously rude, someone who has a sense of humor, and someone who is open minded. i'm a cis female and go by she/her I have short, black curly hair. really dark brown eyes, tan skin, and am 5'4 for the topic I'd like first meeting please love your writing <333

Thank you so much love!

I match you with... (っ＾▿＾)💨

SHOJI!!

What makes the harmony between the two of you is that Shoji is a unique gentleman. He is usually always quite patient with you and is so sweet that a fight is a fairly rare occurrence in your relationship. Shoji loves you for who you are, and it surprises him that someone 'ordinary and creepy-looking' as him has you. (you beat his ass for his lack of confidence and you are proud of it)

It's fair to say that Pisces and Aquarius are a chaotic duo in terms of love harmony. When you are together, you take out sides and features that you do not reveal to anyone. The Aquarius man can sometimes be quite unstable, but we can tell from Shoji's behavior and MBTI that he does not harbor this trait. Judging by the ISFJ and INFP alignment, I can guarantee that you will both have a very romantic and emotional love affair <3 the only problem is that sometimes you let your feelings pass logic too much, but hey! Love always finds a way… with a logic!

You like to spend time in nature together and fall in love with each other more. Most people call you the ideal duo because, oh my god, you're really cute <3 You're usually so soft that even the most irritable person around you -bakugou- involuntarily relaxes next to you. But when it comes to each other's lives and careers, you're a pretty ruthless and amazing duo 💪🏽

Some of the memories I'm thinking about for you two; quite long knitting orme sessions with Mezo's arms, romantic hours spent in the forest, x3-fold hugs received while studying together and sweet cheek kisses given to each other accompanied by sunset

A Special Moment:

1- A was the most strange and mysterious class that you encountered at the very beginning. While everyone in the class was acting like the main character of their own story, you involuntarily started thinking about how you would spend a whole 3 years with this class.

Maybe it was a ridiculous hunch, but you still knew you were wasting your time worrying. The written fate shows itself even in the most absurd and theoretical moments and makes you say "I'm glad I came here" one way or another. Because maybe you were either going to live through a painful and disgusting year that you would see which could can be a  would be a nice reminder to you not forget that you experienced, or you would find yourself embarking on adventures that a great character living inside a heroic manga would experience.

But sometimes, fate brings beautiful and painful events that you can't think of at the same time. There are beautiful memories in every pain that we think we will experience unilaterally, and systematic pain in every beautiful memory. Because that's how fate is. Fate throws everything in front of you at once and watches you fall into its current.

"Hello." said a thick voice. A masked, tall boy. And as you lift your head up and wake up from your thoughts... you saw a boy- with different body limbs.

The biggest message that fate has to teach itself that comes from God is; even if you live through the shittiest or the most fairy tale-like day, there is only one thing left to you from all of everything: love. romantic or platonic. Love is a universal message.

You saw the shy-looking boy pointing to the seat in front of him while looking into his eyes. "My height... it's quite long. I have to sit down because this is the only place left, but I don't want to be a burden to you by blocking your field of vision during class. We can switch places if you want."

you nodded and sat forward while feeling your cheeks turn pink with a sweet and thoughtful gesture. You bent down to pick up the pink bunny pen that fell out of your bag . Before you could understand what had happened from the excitement, the pencil case had already been returned to your hand. When you looked up, you saw the eyes of cute white-haired boy who had the same shyness and excitement as you. His eyes, as if they were a pair of emotional inscriptions that told about all the fate that was written to you.

Getting up quickly, he shyly extended his hand to you. "So sorry! S-shoji. Mezo shoji..."

Oh, beautiful love, how beautifully it carries itself with fate, intertwined with everything.

You shook his hand gently. "Hello, Shoji..." you said that while introducing yourself with a smile. "Please don't feel burdened by your own body," you added gently

Shoji, on the other hand, tilted his head forward and continued his embarrassed gestures. Even if your moment was interrupted by your teacher coming in and you sitting down, you could both feel your heart still beating at the same time at the same time.

and oh, beautiful fate, even it knew that love would not die, always would carry it with care, your bond of first but last love.

[harukirai]

Queer history of Final Fantasy

I am replaying all the old final fantasies(mostly psp psone releases), first time with english localization and not the original jp.

Now i get it.

It all make sense now.

I couldn't understand the wave of "why shove the gays in our face" backlash of 16(even though, the non homophobic felt it was lacking since they didn't want to 'push it in yall face'). Like apperantly moat of the implication or straight up fruity moments in the old game was completely removed, or changed to the point of it being a 'silly thing'.

So lets clarify -

*Cecil(iv), your homeboy- an Non-binary (language is the best indication, but yeah i think it was a decision made for both female and male players to be able to relate to them, but yeah funny outcome non the less)

*Bartz(v)- outright bisexual, they didnt even hide it- next person on this list gonna make it make sense.

*faris(v)- an ftm transgender( at least in the original version, i know in some new iterations they scrapped the whole concept, but left it in in others?)- mainly speak about himself with (ore/boku- which is conventionally usally by male speakers), after finding out soem of the cast either use a female pronounce on him, but bartz constantly either avoid it or use male pronounce(or the nonbinary version which is usually reffered to kidz) but yeah, bartz was crushing on faris where he thought he was a cis male and unlike the other guy didnt shy away.

Lets jump a bit to 8-

Irvine(viii)- even though considered very handsome to the point he could get with any girl hed want, was even flirted with by selphie i think i need to remember, but he usually brush it off.

If anything he is either asexual, or gay(its very subtle, but its what called queer coding, and well see that allot from now on cause japan caught up to westerns norm on media)

Quina Quen (ix)- literally, a nonbinary- but i think they kept it in eng as well cause they are not human, but like black mages they have no sex, but unlike black mages they are 'genderless' and dont care for human norms.

Kuja(ix)- either gay/intersex/both.

Look at him.

Seriously that character confused a whole generation sexuality.

Like sephiroth, but unlike sephiroth he also have effeminate mannerisms, and until it was revealed by text it wasnt so obvious.sephiroth in jp have a confusing language because he himself is possed by jenova, so evem though i love this headcanon, sephiroth isnt trans actually.

Auron(x)- ahh yes, your favourite broody guy and probably where im gonna get tons of hate.

Auron is very subtle, but once you notice it its hard to deny.

I think Auron is gay, unlike jecht or braska- he did not have kids, denied arranged marriage, and followed jecht to dream zanarken just to save jecht only son- it was pretty obvious that auron loved jecht. He also loved braska but not as much, and it shows- that for auron it was more than friendship. You can see it with his attitude towards yuna vs tidus- with yuna he is nicer, politer. Liem you act when you babysit your friends /cousins child.

But to tidus, he is a full father figure.In their journey together they grow, and i think if he wasnt the boy of the man he loved he wouldn't treat tidus as his own. With all the scoldinngs in mind.

Paine(X-2)- qlmost forgot her, but yeah she's pretty gay for riku

I dont remember much though because if the mission structure of the game.

Larsa(xii) - ohh i see you boy, i see u. He is sus as hell. He is a kid so its pretty innocent(and relatable to us queer kidz)

Its pretty obvios that he is crushing on basch, innocently though. I know some ppl who shipped him with penelo, but canonically by spinoffs at least she and vann are an item.

Also they made sure it was obvious cause japan have this thing that a young character is crushing on a teacher,mentor , older characters in general(aka cc sakura- her friend crushing on a teacher, syaoran & sakura crushing on yukito, also happens in tons of pop culture media at that time, so im not surprised, but im happy this time its one sided, THANK GOD)

But yeah if you reached the ending its pretty obvious.

Fang & vanille(xiii)- the first lesbians couple! Terra(VI) was supposed to be the first but they were afraid it will make her less marketable so they scrapped her gf. They made them clear, but at the same time they tried to make sure pple wont be fetishizing them(they tried, at least).

I want to explain their story more but i think ill mess it up since i tend to mix up 13's lacie, falcie and all that jazz.

So ill just say that basically there are 2 world in 13, pulse and cacoon. Pulse is basically earth and cacoon is the moon. There is a god for each world called a falcie.

Few of them but ine for each major ones. Our main gand from cacoon, branded by a falcie to be slaves(lacie) vanille and fang are from pulse, and slaves of pulse lacie, so basically they are with the task of creating Ragnarok which is like the end of time and but limw they dont know cause the gods in this game is like 'yeah imma give you a mission but wont tell you beside weird non undersandable feaver dream and you need to figure out and fast or youll become this universe version of zombie, and if you do complete it you become a ceystal living forever but like, sleeping beauty style. So lose lose situation.

The focus of them both is different from the gang, caus the falcie of cacoon is evil so he gove them focus destroying cocoon while if fang& vannile mannaged to ruin that falcie and bring ragnarok theyll become a crystal, and they used it to save coccon from falling and crushing killing all the people in it, basically became a pillar in eternal sleep when they hheld each other.

But they are saved in later game only to... Lightning return which we wont talk about cause i hate timers.

I love the story of xiii, big part of it is vanille & fang, i havent played in english yet, but i will say, their story is one of the more meaningful on this list, very well developed and i will do it disservice if id try to explain it in few sentences - so do yourself a favour and play or watch the playthrough.

Ignis& gladio(xv)- here is when localization ruimed it. I know cause i palyed on jp dub with eng sub and heard the differences live- first of all gladio and ignis are completely different in jp, as individuals and as a pair- they were supposed to be the first dion& terrence moment, but it got scrapped and they went the vannile& fang route, only that bec they are men, the localization team missed the mark.

Gladio got pissed at noctis in the train because of ignis.

In jp its clear their bond is beyond friends, and not mention the fact that their AI is always stuck together, and that gladio isnt a womenizer in jp at all, and there is no fiancee/girlfriend.

In jp he said suggested there is someone he wants to be with but bec of the state of the world and them both being constantly in the battlefront he couldnt ask.

(and ignis clear his throat when everyone is like oh great, very subtle but it was leading to that)

Every stop of the train or erea post blindness gladio was with ignis not leaving him .

Also tabata san also said that they are more than friends. So there's that too.

But its no secret 15 localization is tereible, the massacared prompto, he is so cringy in english, in jp yeah he is funny but like he says more stuff then random pop colture references, he breaks the 4th wall occasionally but not on the same level of the localization. Also, jp noctis is a little shit because he can and will, in localization he is more relatable while ignos and gladio are kimda mean. In jp its the other way around and up until chap 13 (when he is alone) noctis is a bratt. He has some moments when he is nicer, but when struggle shows he is a bratt about it- and its done purposely since he is a spoiled pronce who never done anything alone in his life.

Thats why in chap 13 he has a change of heart, because he was alone and learned to appriciate his friends when he was stuck alone in the dark with no weapons and i think it was a good call storytelling wise, but yeah the english localzation ruined it and made the whole chapter pointless .

Those are the implied/canon gays of final fantasy up to 15(we got a kiss so its obvious).

The series has always been kinda Fruity and i know some of yall will be like, 'but there's no proof'. Well, japanese speakers(who arent homophobic at least) will agree with me that we tend in media that is not specified like BL or GL to make things subtle. So what in the west is called 'queer coding' is very common in japanese media and it comes in way more shape and forms.usually implied with a desper conncetion relationship or linguistics.its funny cause in the 80's and very early 90's gay pple wasnt hidden in jp pop culture (no kisses or anything but it was straight out told to the viewer/player)

And only later 90's there was a trend of removing us completely from the media, but around that time a specific genre was created so it wasn't out completely.(like yaoi/yuri as erotic mangas existed aince the 80's but usually only love stories or main gay characters were mixed in with the straight media, kimda like what netflix does today, but around 96, 97 the shounen ai and shoujo ai genres rose in popularity(mainly cause of clamp) and things got seperated. In games- because it became a bigger deal in the west square took caution with how clear they gonna make stiff not to piss of the christians after the backlash of Pokemon (idk how it was really but through japanese media and news it seemed at the times that the american patents were pissed so game companies started sensoring their games from all things might piss off christians/monotheistics ).

*also i dont live in japan but i am mixed so i grew in a jp speaking house and family from there always sent games on holidays and birthdays+nhk was always running in the backround to check on the motherland😂

[knightinink]

Pip and Damien for the ask game of course!!

Pip

1: sexuality headcanon

I’ve never really given it much thought before, so I can’t really say. He liked Estella, saying she was “a beautiful girl, with a kind heart!”, but I think he’s just happy when someone genuinely enjoys his company & companionship.

2: otp

Dip! (as though that wasn’t obvious if you’ve been around this blog for any length of time). I found them through fanart & quickly fell in love with the opposite yet similar dynamic between them, one being of darkness while the other shines with positivity. They are able to fill in what the other is missing, and can empathize in being an outcast with an unstable familial life. They are also very aesthetic *chefs kiss*

3: brotp

Honestly? I’m gonna say Pip & Pocket. They have a very interesting relationship (that was more fleshed-out in the novel mind you), and their dynamic seems fun. They complement each other well, albeit not being “opposites” as he is with Damien; they are more similar to one another. Herbert would supplement the confidence & intelligence Pip lacks, while Pip would be able to provide more work-intelligence, as he was apprenticed as a blacksmith for a time.

4: notp

Pip x Christophe. He’s French, that’s reason enough for Pip to despise him. And Pip would be too bubbly & cheery, & would get on Chris’ nerves very quickly. They would be in agreement that they wouldn’t work together, both being a negative experience for the other.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

He and his whole family have a terrible immune system, & each year when illness is being spread around the school, he’s forced to be bedridden for nearly a week. (it was weakened further by his once contracting scarlet fever back in England).

6: favorite line from this character

“Being a gentleman doesn’t mean learning to dance, or proper table manners. It means being a gentle man. Gentle to everyone!”

7: one way in which I relate to this character

I was always that kid who was just kind of there, unless you got to know me. I’m not too sure that I like his character because I relate to him, however; I think I like him because my common trope is liking characters that have suffered in some way and desperately need a hug.

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

The fact that his episode (s4ep14) is the most hated/worst episode of the entire series. I quite like it, and it’s what got me interested in reading the novel it’s based off, which has quickly become my favorite book. And I do find his “Wickershams and Deklers” song quite annoying.

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Pip’s a sweetie who wears his heart on his sleeve. He only has the best intentions & tries to see the best in everyone despite it all. I don’t think he was given enough of a chance while during his run on the show to be developed enough to be seen as problematic. He was more of a static character who rarely got the spotlight, but one that I love, nonetheless.

~

Damien

1: sexuality headcanon

Again, I’ve never really given it much though, but maybe he’ll take after his father. He likes Pip & Pip likes him, that’s all he cares about.

2: otp

Dip! I like to think Pip’s the first one in his life to show him any shred of friendliness who wasn’t ordered to by his father. He has a difficult time making friends due to his father constantly being on the move, but with Pip it felt different. Despite this, he still blew him up to gain acceptance from the other boys after learning about Pip’s social standing, but of course, he had to leave his new friends soon after. Once Pip died, they reunited, and Damien was very apologetic about his actions towards Pip, the other soon forgiving him & accepting his friendship.

3: brotp

Damien & Kenny. When Kenny shows up in Hell for a bit, it always brightens Damien’s day (though he will never admit that, he has an image to uphold!). He’s glad that for at least a little while, there’s someone kinda like him his own age who will stay and play for a while. Damien will act like Kenny gets on his nerves, but he’s just happy to have someone to talk to who’s not one of his father’s lackey’s or consorts. He can relax & be himself around Kenny too, dropping his “son of the Devil” façade, if only for a while.

4: notp

I’m not sure, this may be more of a crackship, but Cartman..? I guess??? I could see them being paired because they’re both “evil” in a sense, but they are two very different kinds of evil. Damien only does evil because he has to, being the antichrist. This doesn’t mean he necessarily wants to do evil, but he needs to, to keep his father happy (although this is more headcanon-y but whatever). Cartman on the other hand does evil for a myriad of reasons, far too many to count here. Cartman doesn’t need to do evil in the way Damien does, but rather, he often does so of his own volition.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Despite being the son of the Devil, he’s actually quite sensitive & introverted, often putting up a tough front to protect himself. This is why it’s so difficult for him to make friends, & he rarely shows his vulnerable side. Pip is one of the very few who has seen this vulnerable side.

6: favorite line from this character

“Because I’m the son of the Devil? Because I- burn them & kill them?”

7: one way in which I relate to this character

Liking fire, I guess? I’m not as prone to it as he is, but I do enjoy a good bonfire.

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

Nothing really? I’d say his voice, but I find it oddly endearing, like someone would say “That’s a voice that only a father could love!” & Satan would be like “And I do! I love him very much!”

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Similar to Pip, he wasn’t given enough time on screen for development, so he’s also kinda static. I don’t think he’s problematically written character, but I don’t think cinnamon roll is necessarily the right word for him either. I think I’d affectionately call him a firecracker.

~

Thank you for the ask!

[chocosvt]

your writing is really, really great. im pretty sure HER has changed my life for the better. im bad at words, so im sorry if this is really awkward to read. the way you write wonwoo in it is so ? realistic? (for lack of better word) i relate to him So Much, from the little mannerisms to his whole thought process, it just makes so much sense to me, and the way he responds to situations- to people. its like someone peeked into my brain, and its made me realize things about myself too. you describe everything so well, i have shitty imagining powers (i think thats called like, aphantasia or smth?) but with how descriptive you write every scene, i can form vague pictures in my head most of the time when reading HER, which is again really crazy to me because i rarely do that. just wanted to say i really, greatly admire and love your writing, from the story and the plot to the way you craft your characters and the way you write it all. thank you, and i hope i remember your writing even if its the only thing i remember (is that how the saying goes? is there even a saying like this? not sure. sorry to go on a tangent and ramble in your inbox , but i just really wanted to tell you my thoughts. ) thanks again.

omg never apologize for going on a tangent! as an avid tangent-spewer i always encourage it & love reading it even more 💕

your ask was honestly so lovely & fulfilling to read! i've actually never heard the term aphantasia before, although i've heard that some ppl just simply Do Not think in picturesque little movie clips within their heads (which i used to think everyone did ...) so i'm honestly very surprised i was able to elicit those imaginative sparks!!

i'm happy you're enjoying the story & finding the characters relatable (even if it's through a lens of struggle) bc that's how i intended them!! thank u again so dearly anon, i hope u've had a wonderful week 💘

[dvandom]

Isekai commonalities

After giving a fair amount of thought to the matter, I think there's three main points that separate isekai from similar story types such as voyages of exploration.

The setting is substantially different from what the protagonist(s) are used to. Not merely a difference in culture, there's differences in how the world is assumed to work (magic, higher technology, psi, nonhuman sapients, etc).

The protagonist(s) arrives in a manner that is unusual and/or unintentional. They may be able to find their way back later for sequels, or even open up regular transport, although that changes the nature of the story if they do so.

The protagonist(s) brings one or more assets that are rare or absent in the world where they find themselves. This could be as simple is a fresh outlook on the situation which lets them find solutions the locals wouldn't think of, or something more overt like magical powers gained during the journey or enough knowledge to introduce technology to a low-tech world.

The rest is negotiable. The protagonist may remain in their own body, may be reborn in the local equivalent (such as Flynn in Tron), or be reborn as an entirely new person/monster/vending machine. It could be one-way (especially if they didn't so much take the bus as get run over by one), the story could end with returning home, or there could even be repeated visits during the course of which the protagonist has to decide how to split their time or if they should settle down in just one (Dorothy and Oz).

Point 3 does exclude some older stories that might be considered proto-isekai, such as Rip Van Winkle (1. The Future, 2. Magical Sleep) who doesn't really bring anything to the party IIRC. Fairy ring stories do hit all three points because mortals have flaws and virtues that the fair folk lack.

This whole line of thought was kicked off by someone else realizing that Big Trouble in Little China was an isekai, and I think it hits all three of my points, although #3 is a bit oblique.

Chinatown is not just culturally foreign to Jack Burton, there's the whole, "Oh yeah, there's actual magic here," thing.

Jack really just blunders into the whole thing. He didn't mean to get mixed up in Lo Pan's low plans or even spend a lot of time in Little China.

What does he bring? A fool's own luck and an outsider's arrogance, which end up breaking so many carefully laid plans through stupid good fortune. He does the thing the plan never anticipated because no one would be so STUPID.

Of course, Jack doesn't reincarnate, or even really change a whole lot thanks to his experience. He returns to his normal life on the road at the end (albeit with the promise of more weirdness in his near future). And frankly no one would believe his story.

Isekai can be further subdivided into categories alluded to above.

Odyssey: The goal is to get home, even if they never do. (Odyssey itself, Star Trek Voyager, Farscape, Dungeons & Dragons cartoon, etc.)

Just Visiting: Getting home may be a secondary goal, but there's something they want to do while in the other world, and are given reason to believe they can get home reasonably easily any time they really want. (A lot of the fairy ring stuff, Randolph Carter's dream quests, Tron.)

That Time I Got Reincarnated: For whatever reason, going home is not an option. Either literal reincarnation following death, a voluntary exile, or something else. The key point is that the story focuses on what to do now in this other world, because it's home now. (Star Trek Discovery they know they can't go home, all of the Truck-kun stories in modern Japanese-flavored isekai.)

First Contact: All of the isekai points are hit, but eventually the story progresses to the point that the two worlds become more connected and it stops being an isekai to travel between them. The 1980s Transformers cartoon started off as an isekai for the Cybertronians, but by the third season Earth has diplomatic relations with Cybertron and travel between the worlds is fairly normal if still uncommon and expensive.

[missing-sock-misto]

For the writing ask game:

12, 20, 35, 76

12. Do you ever have trouble focusing on writing? how do you get around that?

Oh my god, so many problems, I am very ADHD XD However: I’ve learned that non-linear writing works really well for me. I will jump around from scene to scene based on what interests me or what pops in my head. I like writing this way because:

It allows for me to get to the fun stuff first, which for my dopamine deficient brain, gives me energy to continue working on the story.

If I get writer’s block, I can skip ahead to a different scene, and let the other scene marinate for a few weeks. Often, while I’m working on OTHER scenes, I figure out something to continue the plot forward earlier on.

It forces me to think about the story in a deeper way, because I need to keep track of the plot and the plot elements way more. Which, WOULD be exhausting, but by giving them scenes names, and make those headers, it turns into a functional outline.

If later something doesn't work out and I have to cut it, at least I have the scene out of my head. I can always recycle it, and at least I'm not building on bad foundations.

It means I'm constantly having to reread and edit my stuff, as I'm trying to remind myself what happens, so my editing can happen gradually through out the process.

I also will often have multiple creative projects in different states; various art wips, writing wips, long projects, short projects, will-not-be-published- projects etc. So I work with my moods. If I feel like drawing for two weeks, I do that. And if I want to write for a week, I do that. But I work WITH my moods. It means I approach the hobby in a pretty healthy and sustainable manner, even if it means my output is not as fast. But no point being fast if I burn myself out!

20. what is your favorite trope to write?

Whump, hurt and comfort. :3

35. tell us about a character who’s very different than you who you love a whole lot

Demeter. I write her as very traditionally feminine; she’s kind, loving, emotionally intelligent, and a hopeless romantic. She wants to be a mom, and loves being one. As someone who ID’s as a girl (though, more by default than any connection to my gender) but has never had any interest in children, romance, and has zero patience or nurturing instincts etc, it’s a very interesting headspace to be in. But it’s also fun to explore her strengths and her courage. I love that in the musical, despite being TERRIFIED of Macavity, she jumps on him to warn the Tribe of the danger. It’s such an amazing moment for her, and I try to keep that courage she has in my writing. She will do the right thing and protect those she loves, even if she’s scared.

76. what is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

In my opinion- how do they relate to and reflect your protagonists? I love writing Macavity, because he has such a personal relationship with so many characters, and he’s a foil to so many:

Misto- with the themes of magic, and by extension, power.

Tugger- I like making Mac a dark reflection of Tugger. They both are charming, charismatic, magnetic, passionate, clever, (hot), confident, and more that a bit self-centered. But Mac lacks the kindness, loyalty and love that Tugger has. They’re also both emotionally volatile, but how they manage their outbursts is very different. Tugger gets angry because he’s pissed, Mac will use his anger to intimidate and incite fear.

Munkustrap- Leadership and Love. I love exploring Munk and Mac's relationship with Demeter, and likewise Demeter’s relationship with them. How Mac uses Munk’s weaknesses against him when courting Demeter, but how Munk’s ‘weaknesses’ become strengths in the aftermath of Macavity- where before his caution, general amiability and kindness made him “boring”, after Mac, it was exactly what Demeter needed.

Plus, it’s fun giving a moral paragon like Munk so much conflict with his brother, who he SHOULD have loyalty, respect, and love for, but has been hurt so deeply by that it causes him turmoil.

Bombalurina- Mac is also a dark reflection of her, though in a different way to Tugger. It’s like, both Macavity and Bomba are foxes (?), but Mac chooses to get worse where Bomba chooses to get better. 

Old Deuteronomy- again, the leadership, the familiar ties, power, etc. 

He’s just a really fun character to write because I can basically make him a foil with every protagonist I’m interested in writing. I actually had a brief hyperfixation on a different fandom, but it didn't last cause I couldn't get a villain as fun as him!

Thank you for the ask!