#why am i nt over that tho

[nostrildamus]

4, 5, 7 and 15 for the asks? 💕

why but of course~💕

4. Do you like to induce yourself? If so, how often do you do so?

I actually do sometimes enjoy inducing! Tragically though, I rarely have the time or the privacy to do so, so it's usually relegated to special occasions waaaaahhhh. I enjoy sneezing for others, so any time I induce I sure as hell am gonna try to record it and share with fellow snzfuckers <3 Being induced by someone else tho? Now that's where it's at.

5. Do you have a sneezing pattern? (ex. you always sneeze 3 times)

I think I'm kind of inconsistent tbh!! It's always at least 2 in a row these days though. Sometimes they're rapid and back to back, almost overlapping, sometimes there's a torturous pause between them where my nose is just on fire. At most I'll have 4 in a row (naturally), if I'm inducing or using chinkkni tho then it's all out the window, my sneezes are all over the place haha.

7. If someone gets off to your content, would you wanna know?

Oh 100%! Like I said I enjoy sneezing for others, but also making snz art for people to enjoy! I just like knowing that I can make y'all horny one way or another, what can I say I'm lowkey a slut for attention lol. So if u ever get off to my wavs or my art, please let me know, it is immensely flattering (and sometimes hot) to know someone has nut to my content 😌💕

15. Do you have any other kinks?

Oh man I sure do. A lot of them admittedly I only enjoy in combination with the sneeze kink (my main kink/fetish) but just to give an idea:

-size kink (i.e. macro/micro, size difference, hyper, etc.)

-praise/humiliation (I enjoy receiving both but also giving in some cases)

-exhibitionism/public stuff (works great with the snz kink because you can snz for someone in public and nobody will bat an eye LMAO)

-orgasm denial (probably as nsfw as I'll get on this list)

-medical (something about cold, clinical talk gets to me dfgxsfsfd)

Anyhow, thank u for the asks NT!! Hope my answers are satisfactory 💕

[oncominggstorm]

Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

[dojae-huh]

https://twitter.com/NCTDAOYlNG/status/1710605776144973849?t=ff3RsjBdzDSHr66PLuR0KA&s=19

He rapped😱😱😱😱....I never thought it on my dream..

Knw what no matter how dy will be a star at any pgm he goes to...he got more screen time and the staff even said it is the first time encounter of someone like him , who likes their show very much....

I was waiting for that question to be asked to dy...his habit of nose picking...haha .. he always does that...I always tries to ignore it..but today he caught...like jn said he dont hide it tho...and dy accepted it .....haha...why he is so funny....I am sure when jn said he makes my heart flutter too was a genuine confession...we all knw how jn adores and fanboys over dy...what amazes me is that it didnt changed..he still adores dy...nd haechan too..he said today would be lot of fun coz the funniest memebers are come to the show..that's why he come along even tho he did appeared 2 mnth ago...

I Think woo and dy got a bit closer...they interact more naturally now...be it bickering or caring....I like it....haha....the show was fun...dy even try to counter attack Jonathan ...that's what I like in sassy dy...but dont you think even if dy is nt a great visual,,, but today he really outshined everyone...I mean cute or handsome or pretty...he is everything...if I am going to talk abt dy this msg wont end...so that's it...i just love him....💙💙

Jaehyun also picks his nose openly, so I suppose it's not something that is really frown upon in SK manners vise. Like farting and discussion of it in detail doesn't damage idols' image, drinking alcohol is actually celebrated and used as entertainment, meanwhile smoking or cursing are bad.

I wouldn't say DoWoo became more close than they were already before. Do took a liking to Woo right from the start, 5 years passed already. Woo is simply more laidback and naturally acting nowadays.

[autisticlee]

almost every time I have met online friends irl, they stop talking to me either immediately after or very soon after, usually after increasingly acting weird or distant towards me. it makes me feel awful. and then i'm afraid to meet anyone irl again.

I feel so silly and stupid that I have a lowkey fear creeping below the surface about going to visit my friend and their gf this summer. what if they end up hating me 🙃 i've thought about mentioning it to my friend, but I don't want to make them feel bad about it!!!!!! it's not their fault I feel this gross fear. they didn't do anything to make it happen. they're super excited and always tell me about it!! i'm the one that is struggling to feel excited because i'm haunted by past experiences that will not stop repeating like i'm stuck in an endless loop of hell!!!!! 😭

I try to remind myself that thos friend also

I seem to give off this bad vibe irl that everyone except me notices and it makes people want to avoid me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it but I wish I could!!!! perhaps i'm just simply not likable 🥲 i've had people want to be roommates and act like best friends meet me irl and suddenly start avoiding me until they straight-up ghost me. I don't understand 😔

i'm very willing to work on myself....if I knew wtf was wrong with me!!!!! but I do not!!

I also fear it's something I can't change and it's something that's part of me, so I literally can't do anything unless I mask and become a fake person. but that's so uncomfortable and lonely in itself and feels pointless. what if it's just normal autism traits and people are assholes???? then I have no choice in the matter.

everyone tells me i'll ~find the right ones~ or whatever. befriend other autistic or ND people. but it never matters. they all end up the same in the end!!!!! fellow autistic and adhd people have hurt me MORE than NTs!!! do you know how many times I thought I did find "the right people," made them promise to not do what the last ones did, promise to respect my needs and boundaries, and promise to be honest and talk everything out, but then a little while down the way they do exactly the same shit they promised not to that everyone else did?!

when the same shit keeps happening over and over, at what point does it stop being "other people are the assholes" and become "im obviously the problem" ??????? i'll have people tell me it's not me that's the problem. it's other people. those same people will become "the other people" themselves. so is it REALLY them that's the problem, or am I too goddamn stupid to know what's wrong with me and what i'm doing wrong ?!

sometimes people will put a blame on me but not tell me why it's me. just a broad statement with no details that point fingers at me. "you're gaslighting me" (after opening up to a close friend group about a difficult thing I had just experienced and that was the response one gave and then completely ghosted with no explanation, leading to the whole group abandoning me)

sometimes people will complain about certain things I can't help. "you ruined my whole day!" (some girl telling me this, a few months later after kicking me out of a group. I needed help navigating nyc subway to the bus station because my phone GPS didn't work there and she said it was ok, she'd gladly help me. then yelled at me about it a while later when she got mad about something else, about how I ruined her day that time by making her help me and being a burden 🙃✌️)

sometimes someone will drop out basically mid conversion, get extremely distant, go from replying with novels to one word replies until not responding at all, then suddenly block me a year later after ignoring me. only to come at me with "you stopped caring about me and haven't messaged me in a year" despite our last messages being me saying I miss them, them saying they've been busy (despite having the time to talk to multiple other people and ppat their message screenshots online every day and be online all the time) and me responding telling them to message me when they aren't busy so we can chat again, but never getting a response!!) only for them to admit they muted me and didn't want to talk to me "for no reason" they literally said that to me lmao wtf. how is there "no reason"

sometimes it IS them that's the problem though. like one girl who accused me of liking her and sabotaged our whole friendship based on these baseless delusions she had. sje decided she was going to "choose" to be straight (she's bi) and decided i'm a "man" (I was trans masc and starting my transition at the time, but am actually nonbinary. it was just required to be trans masc where I live to get treatment. nb people aren't allowed) and she decided guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" she even got very upset at me when I told her she's wrong and not even my type and i'm asexual/probably aromantic. she claims I ~knew saying that would hurt her~ because she apparently told me that kind of thing hurts her before. I did not know this, she never told me this. that's also a weird thing to think/say??? saying it upsets you that someone ISNT attracted to you but also being upset and ruining the friendship if they are??? what the fuck lmao. goofy behavior. I thought she'd be delighted to hear she was wrong about that but nope. she wanted to feel good that someone liked her even if it cost the friendship. haha weird 🙃 she also talked shit about me being autistic at one point lol. fellow ND being a ND hater. sue was all kinds of messed up, but at least I knew it was for sure her that was the problem and not me this one time. but she wasted so much of my time and energy that I can't get back.

it's not always clear why people do what they do, and it drives me insane until I can figure it out. most of the time I cannot. so I go on knowing i'll unknowingly fuck everything up yet again. it feels guaranteed.

I just want a stable and comfortable friendship that's close and secure. one I know will last. one where I can relax and enjoy the time with the other person and not have to be hyperaware of every little detail and look out for potential patterns I recognize that every friendship seems to fall into just like the last, that will lead to the same shit. then force me to have to try harder to save the friendship before it gets worse!!!! but trying seems to make it worse somehow. I don't fuckijg know.

I AM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE. i've reached the point where I don't have the energy or willpower to try getting closer with anyone and have to sit here feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone. I don't feel like I have even one single person I can trust or rely on. not one. if I go to anyone, i'll just burden and annoy them. they can say I won't all the want, but that's always a lie. always. last time I trusted a group wo told me that, I got told I was gaslighting them. not told why or how. but apparently losing a thing important to me and confiding in my closest friends about it is "gaslighting" now and is justification to cancel me from our group trip and then not invite me back into the group chat when I switch accounts LOL.

after that shit, I just cannot. I genuinely thought that were "THE ONES" you know, those mythical "the right people" i'm alwaus being told about thar apparently exist. but every time I find them, I am wrong. so I have no fucking clue what to even look for. they seemed so good at first!!!! how do I find better???? and how do I not fuck it up wven thought I can't figure out what the FUCK I did wrong by sharing a very deep, personal, important thing with my closet trusted friends?!

if "the right people" can't even accept me then wtf am I supposed to do??? I feel like I either deserve this, not having friends or anyone to rely on, or I just have to accept that i'll always be alone. maybe I can have little casual surface friendships....but I'll never have anything deeper and closer. i'll never have the type of thing I feel I need that's hard to explain. maybe it's just the trust of knowing something will last and is stable. i've never had that. i've been walking on egg shells my whole life around everyone. and its so uncomfortable and sucks. it makes me feel so goddamn lonely. especially when I see everyone else has their person or people.

and don't get me wrong, i'm fine with being alone by myself. if I lock myself up and don't see or pay attention to others, i'm perfectly fine and don't feel lonely. it's as soon as I see other people being together, and ESPECIALLY when i'm woth other people that I feel this deep and painful sad/loneliness that doesn't go away until i'm away from people for a while again. but even of i'm enjoying my alone time, there's often things I want to do that require others, so I can't do them and it makes me feel bad. my old therapist telling me last time I was avoiding people due to (unknown at the time) autistic burnout, that we are a social species and require interaction with other people, so I NEED to make friends and interact with others always echos in my mind. I wish I DIDNT need others and can lock myself up alone forever. that feel less painful than trying to be with others. seeing and being with others makes me feel awful and alone. being literally alone feels comfortable and not lonely, most of the time. as long as I have a single-person hyperfocus to occupy my entire existence with.

but despite feeling like this, the burnout I hit from losing several important things to me at once about a couple years ago and my friend group ditching me when I needed them most is debilitating and still going strong. I feel like this is my new permanent state of being. I don't have the energy to put any effort into friendhips. if they don't maintain themsleves or the other person doesn't put in most of the effort, I WILL let it die and act like I don't give a fuck (I do, I just don't have the power to stop it). it's all on the other person's shoulders to carry the friendship the way I carried all the ones in my past. it's my turn to be the unresponsive friend who doesn't put in effort and responds with one word. not because I secretly hate the person/friendhipz but because i'm perpetually burnt out and literally can't do much anymore. I just can't.

that doesnt mean I can't keep complaining about how lonely and disconnected I feel!!! just because i'm not trying to fix it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid! "just keep trying" only works for people who have the ability to try. my ability was destroyed and am now unable. I would need a miracle of a person who puts in enough effort and genuinely cares enough about me to nurse me out of burnout hell to the point where I can put full trust and faith into them and call them my best friend.

but I doubt that will happen. I won't believe it until I see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being "positive" and hoping for the best keeps biting me in the ass and makes the fall hurt even more. I do not have the spoons and willpower and energy for that again i'm sorry 😭

wow this was a long ramble. it's taken me 2 hours to write this. I just wrote exactly what my brain was saying and rambled off topic. this was originally supposed to be about how, while I want to be excited to visit my friend and their gf, it's really hard to because all my past experiences make FEAR lurk around every corner.

I expressed an anxiety to my friend about the trip but only said it was about going to the airport and flying for the first time ever. and alone at that. if I tell them about this little hell demon on my shoulder, it may upset them. they're always telling me how they're so excited and I can't ruin that!!!! the more excited they are, the more comfortable/less worried I feel i'm allowed to be about it??? I NEED that energy personally. and I want them to keep that for themsleves as well. especially when it's not that I don't trust THEM. I don't trust myself. I could do any number of things wrong and make a good, fun, exciting trip go bad, or create a bad after-effect that makes it all slowly break down after. my friend expressed even wanting me to move in with them and their gf. be roommates. where have I heard that one before lmao. multiple other times before a seemingly good friendship gets destroyed for unknown reasons 😭

I hate that my brain has to live this way thanks to past traumas. cptsd mixed with autism/adhd is literally hell. but when you basically never know if you're the one fucking everything up accidentally, are afraid to hurt someone important again, don't know what a real/healthy friendhip is meant to look like due to never experiencing one, and don't have the energy to deal with this shit anymore, it's impossible to make your brain chill the fuck out.

there is a chance everything will go well and nothing will change. there is a smaller chance things will even improve. I can only hope, even if I know hoping for things ends up hurting more.

"what's the worst that can happen" i'm always asked, as if the person asking thinks nothing bad can happen. imagine being very far away from home and your trusted best friend you're there with betrays and hurts you for who knows what stupid reason, and you're stranded there, alone and upset, with no one around you who cares or wants to help or comfort you. you're treated like a burden and have no one to turn to. you're trapped and alone, surrounded by strangers in a big scary city. your whole world and everything you knew is falling apart in your hands as you try desperately to patch it badk together, but your once trusted person is purposely pulling out the seams. your supposed-to-be-happy experience is forever tainted and ruined. you get blamed for it all when you're confused and lost as to what even happened! it takes years to put the pieces together and come to a conclusion about what and why it happened. but that experience left deep scars that affect everything that comes after.

I don't want want that to happen again lmao. I cant make my brain not have intrusive flashbacks when faced with a similar scenario. it's literally how trauma works.

i've heard you can heal from trauma. but is that possible when the trauma wound constantly gets reopen every time it even starts to heal? if the same shit that caused you trauma keeps happening over and over and over and over....things replying in your head end up repeating themelves despire your best efforts to go a different direction....how do you heal? how do you convince your brain to not feel like this and think these things when it feels like reality rather than a worry since these things have happened literally 100% of the time!

that's the problem. you can't heal a flesh wound by rubbing dirt and shit and sharp objects on it all the time. I feel like the only way to heal is to be able to have someone I can actually trust and reply on. someone who proves to me that they won't become another source of trauma. the wond needs a clean and stable environment to heal in.

but i'm broken. i'm annoying. i'm incredibly boring and have no personality. my interests are few and very weird. i'm not likable to most people or for very long and do and say the wrong things all the time. etc etc. *throws pity party or whatever that's actually based on facts probably because no one proved them wrong yet and idk the real reason so i'm simply guessing* so how am I supposed to make a person do this lmao since you can't force people to like you and be a good friend. I also can't force myself to like people so the person needs to be someone *I* like and feel comfortable and connected with as well. hitting two birds with one stone is.....not easy. especially when you're as clumsy and uncoordinated as me.

hopefully my trip goes well. hopefully a miracle happens and we get closer. but I can't rely on it. I can't even think about it. I keep making myself focus on other things and nkt think. but sometimes something reminds me and then this now THREE HOUR long rant happens. 😭✌️

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Hoo boy that’s pressed some buttons.

The ADHD support group I’m on started as a haven of useful tips and validation. Everything from “Here is a hack for overcoming the worst of executive dysfunction” to “this is how to get your GP to actually assess you”. It was great. Loved it there.

And then I noticed more and more of a trend for a very loud minority - and one that started growing - to use it as an arena to post sob stories about how everyone they love has turned against them ‘for no reason’ since they were diagnosed, and I stg, it was like going onto one of those estranged parents groups with the “missing missing reasons”. Like “Now my best friend won’t talk to me! She’s stopped replying to my messages and has set up a separate friendship group! She won’t tell me why! She just yelled at me that I permanently let her down and only talked about myself when she rang to say her mother had died. But that’s just my ADHD! I don’t understand!”

And at the start, commenters would be like “Right... okay look, I am very sympathetic that you find conversation difficult and didn’t know how to support your grieving friend, but you HAVE let her down, and she has explained that to you. Apologise, give her space.”

And now, the commenters go “OMG what a bitch who clearly doesn’t care about you. What an NT Karen. You’re better off without her. She’s clearly a narcissist.” And anyone who tries interjecting with “I mean OP did fuck up here tho” gets chased out of town with pitchforks made out of THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE SPACE SUPPORT GROUP HOW DARE YOU.

And fuck me, the narcissism thing. One of my students happened to join the same group, and a few months back shared the story of how she’d mentioned to her mother that morning that she was chasing an ADHD diagnosis. And she was frustrated, because her mother took it personally, and felt like she’d failed as a parent.

I counted. Of the thirty two comments on the post by the time I saw it, twenty four were crying narcissism. “Your mother is clearly a narcissist.” “Your mother is toxic, look up NPD.” “You need to cut out your mother, that’s textbook narcissism, don’t let her near your kids.”

My student posted it just because she was frustrated, and wanted a place to sympathetically vent. Instead, she had to spend her morning telling internet strangers over and over again that her mother is a warm, generous and loving woman who just happens to carry certain guilt issues thanks to past trauma, and most likely has ADHD herself. Again, and again, and again.

It was a profoundly upsetting experience for her, and she very nearly left that group.

But apparently discussing this sort of thing gets you fucking lynched for disloyalty. Or sometimes, for a change, accused of being an NT that doesn’t understand or care about NDs.

Anyway, this is squarely why I fucking hate having anything to do with this particular community, and probably why my own ADHD is way less managed than I’d like. The speed at which support groups turn into enabler groups is horrifying. Like... sometimes, humans are just jerks, lads. Sometimes, ND people are jerks. And sometimes, we’re jerks because of being ND, and sometimes, we avoid taking responsibility by going “It’s not our fault, we’re ND, and asking us to stop is ableist.” 

EDITED TO ADD: obligatory note that this does not represent *every single ND group* nor *every single ND person* because if I don’t, some fucking troglodyte addicted to the serotonin buzz from screaming at internet strangers will wilfully decide that’s what I’m saying so they can get angry

[mcrmadness]

ngjenekwngwe I'm again so pissed by the fact I got diagnosed with Asperger's despite not even being autistic :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Like, I haven't even been ACTUALLY TESTED FOR AUTISM EVER. I'm pretty sure my doctor from when I was 12 just decided it can't be anything else but Asperger's and then diagnosed me with it when I was 23, after meeting with me ONCE (or twice?), after not meeting with her at all since I was what, 15. It's so ridiculous!

I wish some sort of a reverse autism test existed cos I would pass that with perfect score. Because I don't have even the core symptoms of autism, I only have the ones that overlap with ADHD (which I believe I have), and the rest of the "symptoms" are just me being an introvert and aroace which in this society and in my country's psychiatric system are still very alarming signs of autism, and it's so wrong on so many levels.

For example, one of the core symptoms for autism is the inability to read people, their facial expressions and recognize emotions from that. I do not have this, I have never experienced this. In fact, I dare to say I am better at that than what even a regular NT would be.

The fact why my doctor maybe thought that I don't is because she somehow never took into account that I was heavily bullied in school and of course that fucks up with ANYONE'S brain, and I was having severe social anxiety which also caused me to see people through the social anxiety lense. Of course I saw other people's actions in a distorted way because I a) had been bullied so I lost my trust in other people and b) I was often betrayed by friends so I became very sensitive to abandonment and was seeing hatred even there where it was not.

I am 30 now. I have gotten over the worst social anxiety. I have been wondering and pondering my teenage traumas so, so many times during all these years that my self-esteem is not that horrible anymore. I don't believe everyone hates me as a standard anymore. I don't think someone randomly talking angrily to me is my fault, I am able to tell myself "well maybe they just had a bad day" or simply: "maybe they're just hungry". Whatever the reason, it is not that they hate me without knowing me. It's literally impossible to hate someone you don't know. And before I believed I'm rivals with everyone who doesn't know me and we need to get to the neutral zone first, when in reality you usually start from the neutral or even from the positive zone.

So I was just thinking: if my doctors showed me a folder of people with different facial expressions, I would be able to recognize each of them. I would be able to even give a deep dive into what I see in those faces and not just some common emotions. I'd come up with a story for why they maybe are having that emotion, or emotions, I see in the picture.

It's literally insane to me that my doctor literally does not even consider listening to me when I ask if that Asperger's diagnose could go. There never was any reason for it even existing. I have never had any of the childhood Asperger's/Autism traits either. I simply have never had any symptoms that exist in autism only.

I do have selective mutism, which is tied to social anxiety, tho. I got these two diagnosed when I was 12. So any weird behaviour the doctors probably have seen, has usually been either due to my shyness, or to my selective mutism, or both. As mutism can sometimes cause a child (or teen) behave ways that are very very similar to autism, but still the CORE of that behaviour is different. It looks the same maybe, but it does not feel the same.

On Tumblr, I also often see posts where autistic people talk about their experiences and sometimes I can relate because ND stuff can overlap a lot; but I still don't relate to the major traits nor experiences of autistic people. Like I said, I literally lack most of the criteria that you have to have in order to even be diagnosed with it.

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

[littlebabycrybtch]

ngl i am. so fucking tired of ugly ass ableists openly and Blatantly hating common disability and mental illness traits, only when they happen to be presented by nt/abled people, and actually thinking theyre being Allies for that. lmfao like. ‘the person im mocking isnt autistic tho theyre just being an awkward introvert that acts weird in public!’ ok so your viewpoint is that you admit looking and acting disabled by itself is hilarious and mock worthy up until finding out theyre actually disabled??? you dont think maybe those traits just need sensitivity and shouldnt be funny or deserving of retaliation to you either way??? that you should unlearn hating these things bc it is still 100% rooted in internalized ableism??? 

im sorry but ppl nowadays (yes even other nd people) are just excusing being uneducated and disrespectful af, you think you have some magic privilege radar (aka deciding through willful ignorance and dehumanization that everybody you want to be an unfiltered asshole towards Has to be an open target), you conveniently forget how common being undiagnosed is under our medical system, you refuse to grow up and respect things like social anxiety and adhd as valid impairing neurodivergencies in even the most Basic ways, you care more abt your jokes being ruined than the prospect of contributing to oppression, and you literally SEEK OUT opportunities to be cruel abt these vulnerable traits with seemingly abled people bc ohoho frankly, it Does totally make you uncomfortable and annoyed when you see this from nd people, but you get in trouble for not being understanding abt that right. so instead of unworking anything you hold your tongue and then cringe ur pants later over ppl who are supposed to be normal tm for portraying these ~unsavory~ traits at every POSSIBLE chance you can get, and somehow dont put it together that beyond the obvious harmful affect it has on minorities, you’re supposed to be respectful abt these things, Not just when they imply a minority status, but because for the love of god you miscreants theyre just struggles you dont personally understand and it regularly inflicts harm on others when theyre judged. ‘be nice to harmlessly different people’ is quite genuinely the easiest, most kindergarten concept i think any human person could ever comprehend and it is a necessary core moral to activism, or even just basic decency. but everybody fucking ignores it on purpose to stay ugly and comfortable lmaoo

so when you make fun of abled ppl for disabled traits all you’re showcasing is that you actually, absolutely, do hold prejudice towards them, and are Normalizing the hate they receive, which believe it or not, hurts disabled ppl. the distinction doesnt fucking matter. you’re not ‘’’’getting away with’’’ anything, its not ‘’’’okay when theyre nt’’’’ or w/e like just bc you arent oppressing them or smth doesnt mean shit, the problem is that you’re still fucking oppressing us by using 0 critical thought with these dumbass 'how to be a bad person but still get the social benefits of being an activist’ loopholes you all keep tryna popularize and cash in on. im tired of this. its disgusting and backwards. if you dont actually hate my autism then why the fuck do you hate it and laugh so goddamn much when abled ppl Look like me??? how is that supposed to translate to support??? how is it Not supposed to impact my oppression??? tbh lol just get over it you cringe idiots i dont wanna see another stupid ass ‘weird annoying introvert’ joke on my dash yall are just being gross now to validate your bad opinions and you know it

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Sunday 15 April 1832: SH:7/ML/E/15/0052

8 5

12 ¾

-  Let[ter] fr[om] L[ad]y St[uar]t inclos[in]g     half sheets fr[om] Mrs. Hamilt[o]n to L[ad]y S- [Stuart] de R- [Rothesay] and let[ter] fr[om] L[ad]y G- [Gordon] 1 half sh[ee]t full - fine morn[in]g F[ahrenheit] 61° at 9 1/2 in my r[oo]m and 67° at 9 3/4 in the balc[on]y - Mr. West preach[e]d 33 min[ute]s fr[om] 1 Tim[oth]y 1.15 - queer Evangel[ica]l serm[o]n awake all the time w[e]nt out at 1 1/2 for 1 1/2 h[ou]r - met Captain Cameron she asked him to dinner the murder is out  we talked it over she will not say no so ‘tis done ca[me] to my r[oo]m soon aft[e]r 4 - wr[ote] the foll[owin]g to L[ad]y S- [Stuart] ‘Hast[in]gs Sun[day] 15 Ap[ril] 1832. Th[an]k you ver[y] m[u]ch my d[eare]st L[ad]y St[uar]t, for all y[ou]r k[i]nd anx[iet]y ab[ou]t me, and for Mrs. Hamilton’s excell[en]t let[ter] - we will talk ab[ou]t all this - I shall n[o]t fix an[y]th[in]g till my arriv[a]l in Lond[on] - I fear there is no chance of my see[in]g L[ad]y St[uar]t de Rothesay - I h[a]d a let[ter] fr[om] L[ad]y Gordon this morn[in]g who is alarm[e]d already - I kno[w] n[o]th wheth[e]r Vere will, or can for fear of overweight, wr[Ite] at all today - poor dear girl! I really feel for and pity her excessive shyness and incredulity   on going out to take our little walk we un expectedly met a friend whom between ourselves I rather coutned upon seeing again rather sooner at last poor Vere has found herself almost forced into entering upon the subject with me and I have really thought it right   assured as I am of your approbation to express my gladness to see our friend who is to dine with us this evening   as I find he stays tomorrow I conclude he will call in the morning  when it will be so natural for me to be out that even Vere’s fastidiousness can find not fault  the mere being asked to dinner might be taken as enough  I hope and think it will       we ha[ve] h[a]d a good deal of n[or]th east wind till today; b[u]t Vere h[a]s borne it bet[ter] then I expect[e]d; and I am in bet[ter] sp[iri]ts ab[ou]t h[e]r than I w[a]s - ever, dear[e]st L[ad]y St[uar]t, ver[y] affect[ionatel]y y[ou]rs A. [Anne] Lister’ at 5 20/: took d[o]wn my no[te] 3 p[ages] of 1/4 sh[ee]t to ‘the Hon[oura]ble Lady St[uar]t Whitehall’ to Miss H- [Hobart] to enclose w[i]th Mrs. Hamilton’s let[ter] to L[ad]y S- [Stuart] twenty minutes with Miss H- [Hobart] laughing and joking but found the tears sstarting as I kissed her forehad and ran away   what are you going said she but I was off

saying oh I dare not look behind me     a few tears are falling but away with them ‘For hum[a]n weal

heav[e]n husb[a]nds all events’   I am satisfied  I can keep uo the friendship try to arrange  with Lady Gordon and be better off than with Miss H- [Hobart] ‘tis strik[in]g 6 - dress[e]d - din[ner] at 6 3/4 - on going down saw them on the sofa to[ge]ther and both looking so satisfied I suspected how it was  the moment we left the dining room about eight he staying behind  quarter hour she told me it was all over he made his offer

in a very flattering manner to her done it very well and she had accepted him I said it was much better I was very glad of it she gave me her two cheeks to kiss  I kisse[d] the first one then the other but said nothing   she morelized a little said how a moment changed our whole  lives but she thought she should not repent  he stays tomorrow I asked if he would dine with us yes she did not care now what was ssaid I gently suggested that it would be more consistent with her former  primminess to tell him that now they could not mistake each other she thought he had better not dine here two days together  they could see more of each other at the Lodge  and perhaps he would not be the less pleased with  her for this  I was not prudish but now perhaps I even felt more particular than she did   she seemed satisfied with what I said said Italy had already been mentioned for the winter he came in   we soon had coffee I poured it out ordered tea in half an hour and soon came upstairs   a little before nine  and left them to their happiness  what a sudden change for us alll  for me too she will go to Italy but not with me  well tho’ I made my eyes very yed [red] with crying before dinner I already begin to think it is better she would  have left me in the lurch when I could have managed less well than now odd enough we had scarcely  gone out to the house this afternoon when we a long small man at a distance before us and she said  how very far that man’s arms are for his ssides (one saw the light between the uper arm and side)  I don’t like that  when who should it be but Captain Cameron   he shook hands with us both we walked  up High street and past the nursery garden and then took several turns in the croft  I thought she walked up and down very satisfiedly  in returning along George street I heard her ask him if he would eat his mutton chop with us  ‘I shall be very glad to see you’ ‘will you really’ said he in a low voice  oh oh thought I then it’s all over  and we talked it over on our return  she owned that aunt and she had agreed it  would be very foolish to refuse him but still she refused to believe he really would offer till he had absoultely  done it  she will soon be sufficiently in love   well my prospects are changed  it was only this morning at  

 SH:7/ML/E/15/0053

breakfast I had spoken of my father and mother as having been unhappy together  an ill assorted match and spoke of Marian as   if I wanted to make a thing better always pulling it down again  she liked to everybody be cock of the dunghill etc etc in fact I have gradually of late become more confidential luckily I have never told her my fortune or income and on the whole said nothing I am very sorry for  I do not feel uncomfortably committed tho’ I did laugh and say befor[e] church this morning  well if it was not for the petticoats the thing would be clear enough  yes that it would said she  perhaps ssaid I laughingly it is pretty much the same thing in spite of them (the petticoats)  how little dream what so few hours would bring forth while doubting of Captain C- [Cameron]  she liked to keep me within reach better have me than neither or nobody  le jeu vaut la chandelle  I am satisfied perhaps I shall do tolerably yet  at all rates I feel more comfortable after having  written the above - fr[om] 8 55/.. to 9 1/2 wr[ote] the last 33 lines in Miss H-‘s [Hobart] room my own full of smoke  w[e]nt d[o]wn to tea at 9 35/.. - talked away agreeably enough he staid till eleven and a quarter  she then ate an orange and when she had done it I asked for my orangeade  oh said she I had forgot it  I made no ob[servation]s but kept  up very well ca[me] upst[ai]rs at 11 1/2 and to my r[oo]m at 11 35/.. - kissed her forehead as usual and glad to be  off rang my bell immediately to get rid of Cameron and have no fear of interruption feeling  that I should make a fool of myself as ssoon as alone  why do I do it   she never cared for me well she even think for one moment of what I may or may not really feel on this occasion?  well flow on my useless miserable foolish tears  but they have flowed before perhaps  even more uncomfortably than now there is less mortification  the thing is at least  intelligible I shall get the better of it and at least be thankful that my fate is fixed  shall I see much of her hereafter or not   how odd will seem our meeting in Italy! but I shall be better then  how thankful I am this business did not happen sooner  I shall at least  escape the lovemaking  she says I behave beautifully she little guesses the misery of this tearful moment as I write but no more surely it will be over by morning  Finish mild sunless day - F[ahrenheit] 63° at 11 3/4 in my r[oo]m and 49 1/2° at 12 3/4 in the balc[on]y

[mixedracefairy]

A Reylocentric review of Episode IX

*HELLA SPOILERS*

DON'T READ IF YOU'VE NOT SEEN STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER!

(I'm from London get used to the slang)

I liked:

• I just liked how one of many Snokes was in like a Matrix incubator, lit and mysterious idea - that Palpatine was behind the creation of Ben. Did he bun not being able to find Rey and then switch to Vader's line as I assume Ben wasn't hard to find? Had to use Snoke otherwise Final Order and resurgence would be revealed. Cool.

• Opening with Ren POV establishes him as a big man and dark don and Palpatine is butters like whatever you think of Ben/Ren all man can get behind hating on Palpy.

• The whole 'lads we best sort this out or we're totally fucked' plot - Palpatine is back with a surrender or be destroyed motive

• The promise of destiny to Ren if man ends Rey cos it makes them mortal enemies. However you sense he won't cos she's wifey but the dichotomy is bare hypey. (That sounds silly. It does however, best express my feelings to the situ.)

• Him chasing her all 'I am gonna turn you to the dark' - it's exciting that he has a desire for her, it's also exciting that she's like aight calm and carries on with her ting with the boiz

• Rey's vision - the potential in the force for her to rule with Kylo Ren and be dark side. Wild.

• Rey's heritage revealed - that she comes from a lineage of great power and great darkness. At first it was cool that she was a nobody and Ren like a prince because of the class contrast and their bond, but this reveal makes her almost greater than Ren, eligible to be empress. Literally the bottom to top. Lit.

• Moments of proximity, there's a momentum building, the bond between them and it's exciting to anticipate their presence together and what might come if it

• The duel of wills over the transporter, demonstrating equal power. (Luke saber 2.0)

• Her shock at her power, losing control/unawareness of might - Rey fearing her power and destiny. Rey also being how the Skywalker twins learn from their mistakes of not fearing (Ben's) power

• Their force bonds - moments where she outsmart him, him with the position in power searching for her on the ground but she's in his quarters. There's always been something hypey about the FO/Empire with their might vs RA/Resistance underdogs and our boiz winning, but never in a situation where they're bonded and he's literally searching for her to wifey.

• Lowkey role reversal cos he's tryna tell her who she is, albeit for his own purposes, and she's in denial and responds by attacking him. The 'I'm angry so I'm gonna hack at things with my lightsaber' is usually a Ren move.

• You can't tell if they want to kill each other, (cos you can tell they wanna fuuuh). Ren races at her with his speeder, she cuts off his wing; in their heated duel they let each other recover yet she seizes the opportunity to kill him. She then heals him as the occasion is a mutual mourning. Confessing wanting to take his hand, Ben's hand.

• The way Rey and Ren dance around each other, Rey flying off his star base. Man all like rah, bae swerved again.

• They did 3PO dirty! It's gucci tho for the Groot-esque bant.

• Ren's abandoning of the dark side moment was feeling keenly the loss of his mother, indicating he had a love for her and somewhere a desire to return to the light or a safety/relaxedness that his opposition was headed by her. Almost like he was protecting as much as seeming to destroy her cause. 

• It reminded him of how he lost his father by his hand, their love haunts him as somewhere he felt he belonged but was ashamed to return to because of Snoke (Palpatine's) corruption. Her death is a loss of hope for his sometime redemption or organising of the galaxy between those who backed the Resistance and First Order. 

• The memory of Han convinces Ben Leia's cause still lives if he decides to take it up, showing he did care for her and what she stood for. He just felt lost to it, hurt, unbelonging, bitter and abandoned by it. Yet he believed in himself and his destiny for greatness, (which you have to rate), so man was like dark side it is. (Wow, what a gangster.) 

• It's a bit like Leia's death freed him of the shame of wanting to be light because he needn't face their judgement, or more, the pain of their undeserved love and forgiveness.

• Lowkey Harry Potter vibes like when Harry's nemesis kills him but doesn't die but the horcrux part did. Han says "Kylo Ren is dead" after he is stabbed by his own saber - the pursuit of darkness that was destroying him has been killed (with compassion for Leia?)

• Leia's arc from episide IV has been lit. After her death, Poe feeling unqualified and Lando saying they all of them weren't ready, you deep how young, (what literally 17?), Leia since day has been taking initiative, being a leader. What a champion and woman all the galaxy has looked up to. And telling silly flyboys to put their cocks away, yet still she believed in and elevated Poe (who has learnt and developed).

• Force heal 1 was a nice indicator of her capability and just a nice touch of her approach of kindness to problem solving, like Leia to her flyboys - put your cocks away. Also dope how Finn prees it and backs her.

• What the hell was Finn going to tell Rey before they sank?

• Yo the way man ended Hux was lit! Pusssyyyy

• Ben's redemption, how he went after Rey to rescue/fight with her as Han's son.

Fresh 👏 garms

• The parallels of Ben and Rey both ditching their saber was cool. Not sure why, like they're both on the wavelength of 'fuck this shit' haha. Except Ben ditches his to step into his true self, what he was trying to do since day, and Rey ditches hers to deny herself. Good thing Luke was about to say who you are is what you make of yourself. A bit like the answerless mirror cave from VIII.

• I like old Luke. I like what a cynical c*nt he is hahaha

• Ben abandoned his saber as it represented Kylo Ren and darkness. Was it foolish to take just a blaster? Tbf he is the don with the force so maybe he thought he was gucci. Force swap was sick tho.

• Pretty cool that their force bond is so powerful it could renew Palpatine's power as it shows how precious it is. Also mad tragic that that is their downfall, they stood no chance against him. But surely if it could renew him it could end him? Two yung padawans couldn't really take on big man like Palpy so fair.

• There were some excellently convincing moments all round of loss of hope - 'they're done fuuucked' moments. Poe in his X wing, Rey staring into force lightning etc.

• Was it stupid that Ben went to Rey? It's obviously instinctive he ain't gonna snake bae now they're not opps. Without him there Palpatine never would have been renewed tho. Rey however remains pure and not a Sith, so did he come to protect her innocence? Fits in with the literary themes and tropes of fairytales that the whole idea of them comes from. 

• I mean if he hadn't come Rey would be Sith empress and really how bad would that be? She'd probably have Ben beside her thus fulfilling the vision she had. What Sith vows must she have taken in order to become empress, (to save the mandem obvs), because she could technically marry Ben who would rule in light and she in darkness. That would be badass af, an unwilling Sith empress.

• Rey's fulfilling of destiny, saving the galaxy etc. I mean obviously it's dope when a hero steps into her role. She chose, like Ren, to ignore her past but in this case for good (because she had the bravery to believe she was not isolated, she was loved, unlike Ben). 

• Her battle has been one of self worth and belonging and she believed she belonged to a Jedi family, worthy to have all Jedi behind her, despite her searching for a family to give her life meaning and finding the truth is literally the opposite of what might help her in this battle. She gave all her power/life for the galaxy.

• Ben gave his life for her, completing his redemption in a Christ-like ultimate love sacrifice. We also catch a first smile and oh me lawd it is my favourite thing in the whole three trilogies. That transfer of life, joy, love, kiss, death was just perfection. Po👏et👏ry. 

• Fuck man. She was his only joy. Raaah

• Also because she died for the galaxy, he died to give her life, it's like he took the L for the galaxy instead, but also allowing our young female protagonist from ends the glory and not the star prince with a bad white male privilege temper and climb to power.

• Leia didn't become one with the force til Ben was redeemed. That's deep. Was that why Ben turned? His scar is now healed, suggesting the betrayal of patricide and how that weakened him instead of making him Kylo Ren is mended by Rey. He's no longer split in two?

• What's the symbolism of giving her life by putting your hand there Ben? I see you Disney, you gotta keep it PG but I see you

• At the end, when she's asked what her name is, it would have been cool if she was like Rey Palpatine and I overcame the meaning of the name, I know who I am. But it was fitting, you could sense it - and the force ghosts what a touch - she was a Skywalker. Her fam have been Leia, Luke and Han, and her soulmate should they have been married would make her Skywalker too. Technically Rey Solo which also fits because it's the same reason Han chose the name cos man didn't know who they belonged to, except she's not alone, she belongs as a Skywalker.

• Obviously Rey and Ben raising little babies as heirs to the empire would have been dope but Ben's death atones for his atrocities as well as makes for poetic writing. 

• Rey returns to nothing, which is cool cos her parents obviously must have been eligible to be heirs to the empire and also chose to be nothing. So it's significant, not anticlimactic. It's humbling, which in the trope of heroes is radical.

• This is a statement that autocracies like the Final Order don't belong in the galaxy, but people power can take down star destroying fleets. (Shame about UK politics not being people power taking down hope destroying elites but ok.)

• Oi what does that gold lightsaber mean? It's cool still.

• Leia and Luke, like Rey, show a natural instinct for the light, as if to say humans are naturally loving without influence of darkness. (Ffs Darth Sidious)

• Both Rey and Ben have the same dark then light genealogy. Rey actively seeks out the light (VIII) and is denied it and genuinely fears her potential for darkness eventually. Ben is moulded to darkness despite his natural light. When they face big man Darth Sidious they're both at a point of comfort in their identities, they both believe they have a right to the light side because of who they are and the choice they are making.

• What's the new mask phase all about?

• Ben's arc is dope - you meet Kylo Ren and he's scary and powerful, then lol at mask off moment, you're a likkle yout! Then find he desperately wants to prove himself and becomes a vulnerable manchild, his act of patricide fostering a softer side which we connect to through Rey, taking leadership and then throwing that in the trash to be, like Rey, a nobody. It's like reverse Vader, also because instead of unwittingly killing his missus he wittingly gives his life for her.

• Lit trilogy 👏 bun the haters. Them man don't understand 😙👌

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Hi hun! I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. You shouldn't ever feel like that (nor should you ever feel like this isn't a safe place for you to vent). From what I've seen after following you for quite a while, you are endlessly supportive of everyone you come across on this site and deserve that back. I was getting into writing this message (had why you are great points and was ready to write up support arguments) but tumblr cut me off before I could get too sappy. In short, love you!!

hahaha well i super appreciate it thank you! i also super auper appreciate the fact i CAN vent here at all and retain some (relative) anonymity vs ya know fb ♡ i just dont get it, this isnt the way i was raised so why do my prents act this way? why didnt they listen to me over a yearback when i said the cat had tumors and they didnt wanna spend the money to check but at the end they were ready to do ANYTHING it took (we dont even go to the doctors ourselves... thanks amierica) and now dad is SUPER dep[resed over ‘killing’ the cat (it was mercy, i know for a fACT It was but he wasnt unable to use the litterox or jump ike the cat we had to put down last year...the sweetest cat too, I had to be doctor death because my parents couldnt do it and my poor younger siblings (im eldest) couldnt do it) so i had to be the one to technically kil him and that has stuck deep with me, i dont deal with death the same way other people do, i know i dont,, and he was so scared and cried when we brought him and he peed in the cat carrier and i didnt want to do it i wanted to go back home with him, and i made my siblings swear nt to tell my grieving parents, and then THIS cat couldnt been avoidable but they didnt listen to me and now he had to be put down and just im frustrated over what didnt need to hapen even with a 20yr old cat had they LISTENED To me im just upset about a mutlitude of things but htak you for putting up with my venting and nonsense.

i know it makes people feel weird and awkward, and some feel olbgated to say something (plz never do! i would hate to put things on others or emotionally manipulate anyone in any way, i just want to vent nd know it had been ackonlwgned i guess) and i just dont underatand why peopel dont listen (esp. my parents).

I mean, i am the ONLY one of my entire extended family to ever go to colege nd complete a degree. I was technically a diplomat in japan. I have the brain skills to be a CIA operative. i speak and understand mutliple lanagues (i wanna get to ten) and other than that, we grew up homeless until i was about 16? maybe 13 i dont etirely recall, but i have street skills as well and i have live din two foreign countries (cant see the forest through the trees and all that) and yet my opinions still count for shit, or my relaive youth (im over 30, letys make that official i am no child) but my dad keeps saying i dont have the years he has (and i NEVER will while hes alive its a moot point) but my paents are xenophobves and ive WORKED for a foreign givenemnt and lived in two foreign countries but im a woman and bisexual and this goes against everything they undersand as normal, and then where the poor cat is concerned like im not a doc, i got a BA not a BS, so my opinons count for shit, and i just want everyone to be nice qnd take proper action with things and not cause others pain and have empathy towards those who have less (i grew up homeless and we were poor until maybe five-7 years ago?)) and just everything huRTS SO MUCH and i am TRYING so goddamn hard all the time but im ultimately at my parents mercy (i live at home because california is too expesive to live in a real9tively safe place alone) and work is fucking me and im trying so damn hard to be a good person and do whats right and help others when i wouldve wanted help and just looking at the bigger picture and it just hurts because there is no room for good in the world o matter how hard you try and every time i try to gte ahead i just for balls .

The good part is, i have two kittens who will be one year come april(or march i dont remember) and my kitty Scratches LOVES me just for me with no other expectaton, so i mean, i have that much. Basicallt i am just really really hurting and i will probably bounce back in full force rather quickly after this pity party but i am very grateful for the chance to vent and also feel heard so to speak, ya dig? :D

ANyways, thank you anon, i love you, you rock, and sorry for alk the serous spelling errors, i am on my 8th beer of the hour trying to hurt myself and/or make the pain go away BAHAHAH XD aint working yet but i havent brought the weed into the mix yet..... that usualy makes me happy. The xanqx stopped the full blow paic attack over helpless feeligs i am powerless against, but i am not happy but trying to get comfortably num. I am on my 8th beer of the hour tho so HEY lets see!! XD

...i am  a mess. DISCLAIMER do not try any of this at home, i am a 30something queer sad sack with adhd and panic disorder who no loger destoys items but instead tries to destroy herself becaus eit will hurt no one but me LOLOOL

....also i feel SUPER guilty about waiting to update ALL sales final and also the new commission i need to get done solike, bear with me, i am trying SO fucking hard right now and i feel like i am supr letting everyone down but i will get there i promise! I will probably be riht as rain tomorrow and i am sorry for ,lll the maudelin nonsense i know plenty of you are not interested and we wil back to our our regularly scheduled bullahit after i bury it all haha

much love, posonjack

[idk-loving-kpop]

hello~! i’m a little new to this and i’m not sure if i’m doing it correctly, but may i please request a written ship for NCT dream, wayv, and stray kids? thank you so much : )

i’m an INTP-T and slytherin, i’m 5’2-5’3 ish. my zodiac is cancer but personality wise i’m fit the virgo or aquarius stereotype. i’m a chill person overall but i have trouble socially as i’m painfully blunt and i tend to make offhanded remarks w/o meaning to, and i’m slow to open up about myself. i really dislike discussing personal topics. i still try my best to be nice & patient with others and i have a deep fear of negative judgement. i’m overly critical when it comes to myself & people i’m close to but i really just want the best for everyone. i’m a demisexual girl. i love to bond over topics of shared interests, i literally LIGHT UP when i nerd out about a game or something i’m into & it’s extremely embarrassing. i’m often told i’m level headed even tho i have severe anxiety. in a group i’m like the therapist friend but talking bout feelings/emotions drains me, i prefer intellectually stimulating ones. i have a passion for anything STEM. also am into some anime & video games (mostly visual novel & strategic), debate, and filmmaking. i’m pretty lazy yet again i’m quite overachieving & ambitious. as far as looks go i’m asian & i have wavy black side swept hair and i wear glasses (my prescription is just horrible since i sit by my computer and code everyday for hours at a time). uh larger than average bust i’m embarrassed of. alternative/punk-ish fashion style. i’d say i’m pretty smart academically, however i don’t have an ounce of common sense or street smarts. again, thanks so much!!! have a lovely day/night!!! 💞💖

Hello newbie … Welcome to the crazy world of tumblr and shipping *lol* .. You did it right, just let me know if you wanted it private & I will edit it …

NCT DREAM - Renjun

To be honest … None of them really stood out for me … I went with Renjun because he likes all subject in school (makes me think Nerd) and apperantly he is a messy person … Which messy people tend to be more intelligent …  

WAYV - YangYang

I choose him because he knows multiple languages according to his profile and WinWin finds him to be the smartest member … I almost went with Ten .. And probably 3rd would be Kun

STRAY KIDS - Hyunjin

okie dokie sooo here I was drawn to Lee Know (don’t ask me why cause idk) .. But then a found a video on Youtube about Stray Kids in KCON LA & they are choosing their Hogwarts house .. Bang Chan & Seungmin both said Slytherin … Then as of INTP .. You can match well with someone who is *NT* ..LIke Hyunjin who says he would like someone that listen to his worries ... 

[lanasaved]

cue me, clanking noisily at a nearby manhole as i attempt to scrabble my way bk out of the sewer like the stinky little rat tht i am. enchanté, ghouls! some of u might remember me (nai/from manchester so i pronounce things like a gallagher brother n i’m profusely sry abt it) bt if nt i hd to drop off the face of the Earth rp wise fr a hot minute there bt now im bk n i couldn’t resist reviving lana so???? here we r. u kno the drill more abt her under the cut!!

( cis-female ) haven’t seen LANA JAMESON around in a while. the KRISTINE FROSETH lookalike has been known to be (+) VIVACIOUS & (+) ALLURING, but SHE can also be (-) UNRELIABLE & (-) CARELESS. The 22 year old is a SOPHOMORE majoring in BALLET. I believe they’re living in AUDAX but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/ha/the beast from split. )

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror

SO i think in terms of explainin where she’s been fr the past month i’m gna say tht she didn’t rly.... tell a lot of ppl??? probably only a select few bt to others im guessin she was pretty vague bc she hates discussin anythin serious/personal. anyway essentially she’s been back @ home helpin her brother out n i won’t elaborate much more bc im a thot

frm this point on ive jst pasted her old intro bc im the laziest woman alive n that’s jst life Babey

she’s local to the ny area i jst havent decided where exactly she grew up tbh. probably somewhere upstate

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few rly big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst.... a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pastel coloured fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him regardless. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. in fact she’s so… shameless in her endeavours tht she’s actually currently having an affair w her ballet instructor tanya who’s engaged to b married

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

new development!!!!!!!! cue me trottin around doin jazz hands. she’s actually been cut off by her dad so she’s….. living off the money she has left n has to look to find a job which is jst. a nightmare fr someone like lana bc she’s insatiably irresponsible n destined to be fired from anything she tries to hold down bt. it’ll be interesting bc this means she genuinely has to keep on camming even tho she’s starting not to want to any more bc of other circumstances i won’t elaborate on jst yet winks

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. let’s get wildt!

[sebastiianstan]

Tumblr content school: why you don’t always get notes and how to (potentially) get a bit more

So in recent weeks, I’ve seen quite a few posts floating around that centre around the same subject: content creators, mainly gifmakers, not gaining followers as quickly as they would like to and/or not getting as many notes on their original content as they would like to. Most recently I’ve seen people share their like-to-reblog ratio, with a call to users to also reblog content instead of just liking it, which would result in more exposure and recognition for the creator.

Now, while all of those feelings are perfectly valid and you’re obviously allowed to post whatever you like on your blog, the conversation around this is quite unnuanced and, at times, a bit uninformed. I’m not claiming to be some kind of expert, but having been a content creator (gifmaker) on this platform for quite a few years, with my own small share of popular gifsets floating around and having built both my own blog an two fansites/group blogs to at least moderate success, I do think I have a certain degree of insight re: getting notes, so I thought I’d put in my two cents. Please note that I’m not making this post to be condescending in any way, or even to tell you what to do/how to create content, but I thought I’d help as much as I can, based on my own experience.

Below the cut are 1. reasons why I think gifsets don’t always get the number of notes you wanted/expected them to, and 2. tips on creating and posting content in a way that will potentially get you more notes.

Why you might not be getting (a lot) of notes

So let’s start with some general trends re: gifsets not getting as many notes as you’d like/expect, and not as many as they would have maybe a few years ago.

1. Tumblr is past its peak

Based on experience, I’d say fandom Tumblr reached its peak in 2015-2016, and was riding that out in 2017. I’ve mainly been a Marvel blog in recent years, so I can’t speak for other fandoms, but Tumblr was... wild in the lead-up to and aftermath of Captain America: Civil War (2016). Wonder Woman (2017) was a similar situation on the DC side of things. 

New Marvel releases (like Ant-Man & The Wasp, Avengers: Infinity War and probably most notably, Black Panther) still get a lot of traction and fandom definitely isn’t dead on Tumblr, but I feel like 2015-2016 were definitely peak years. I only recently returned from a year-long hiatus; I stopped being active in late 2017 and even then my dashboard wasn’t quite as active as it was a year before that. Upon returning here about a month ago, most of my mutuals from back in the day had also become inactive and a lot of gifmakers I used to follow were not creating content anymore.

So it boils down to this: I think it’s very likely that the amount of active users within your fandom has diminished significantly as compared to two years ago. A set that may have gotten 10k notes within a few days in 2016 might now only get half of that.

2. The URL thing

This is a sad truth, but it does seem that having a semi-canon or canon url does at least help with getting a larger amount of notes on your content. I have no tips on getting a canon url (I got very, very lucky with this one), but this is a simple observation I have from over the years. Url trading/selling has basically become a genuine business due to this - canon urls are in high demand.

More importantly, what I can say is that it’s smart not to change your url too often. Becoming a popular content creator on this platform is basically the same as building a brand - and a brand has an easily recognized name. Once you have a url you are happy with, try to stick to it for a while. When you change your url, links break on reblogs of your old gifsets, by the way.

3. The like-to-reblog ratio has always been unbalanced

For as long as I can remember, posts have gotten more likes than reblogs. If your ratio is 2-to-1 or 3-to-1, trust me, you are doing perfectly well for yourself! Again, as with my first point, this might have gotten a bit more extreme since 2016, but it’s not a new thing.

4. Popular users support each other

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this (in fact, I love that we all support each other), but yes, in general big/popular blogs are friends with each other and tend to reblog each other’s content, which can be discouraging for smaller or aspiring content creators on the platform.

However, please be aware that these big blogs built up the following they have by posting content for years and it just takes time. Also, know that most users on here actually really enjoy being tagged in your posts - so if you gif a movie or tv show you know a popular user (that you follow) likes, tag them in it and if it’s high quality content (I’ll touch on this later), they’ll probably reblog it.

Tips on getting more notes

Alright, on to part two: my personal tips on getting more notes. These are strictly based on my own experience, and as a repeat of my disclaimer earlier: I am genuinely trying to share my knowledge; none of this is with the intent of being a condescending know-it-all.

1. Don’t look like you’re complaining

No matter what the intent behind your post about your lack of notes and/or followers is, it’s very likely you’re going to come off entitled or ungrateful. I’ve personally unfollowed multiple users who post consistently about reaching their next thousand, who make angry/frustrated posts when their followers don’t increase as quickly as they’d like to, when they lose followers, etc. I understand that the hustle is frustrating, but posts like these are really quite annoying for your followers; you’re complaining about followers you don’t have to followers you do have, who are then more likely to unfollow you because it looks like you’re complaining. Your mutuals might understand why you’re posting this, but others probably don’t.

When it comes to posts about like-to-reblog ratios, which I’ve seen a fair few of recently, please consider a couple of things. 

When you ask people to reblog your post instead of liking it, you are essentially telling them what to put on their own blogs.

A lot of users on here have carefully curated content; while some users simply blog about everything they like, others stick to a certain set of subjects/movies/tv shows. If they see a post they like that doesn’t fall into those categories, they’ll give it a like to keep track of it and show their appreciation, but won’t put it on their blogs. You can’t tell people to reblog something they don’t want to.

You’re essentially asking people that you do not really personally care about to do something for you. Most of the likes you get on your post are likely from people that you do not follow yourself. I’m not saying that you hate your followers or don’t care for them, but you can’t really ask anything of a user that you don’t even follow yourself.

Look at it this way: Tumblr is basically a mini society, with its own market in the form of content creation. The ones who have a few thousand followers, and who get a few hundred or a few thousand notes on their posts are already the lucky ones. If you’re a user who gets hundreds/thousands of notes on their posts (even if it’s not as many as you like or deserve), you should keep in mind that the vast majority of users on here are small blogs that don’t have the traction that you have. If you post a screenshot of the like-to-reblog ratio on a post that has 2k notes, they’re going to think, “what on earth are you complaining about?”

Posts like these can really only backfire. I don’t think it’s likely that a lot of users will suddenly start reblogging instead of liking because of them. I know those posts are getting traction, because your mutuals and fellow content creators understand your frustration (believe me, I do too!), so they reblog/like/comment on it, but you’re essentially in an echo chamber of content creators. Anyone outside of that circle will not understand it and might unfollow you because of it.

2. Quality

Another disclaimer: I’m not implying that the people who have made posts about notes/followers don’t make HQ gifs. This is simply the “tips on getting notes” section of this particular post, so that’s what I’m doing. Veteran gifmakers can skip this section because I won’t be presenting anything new here.

Here’s the thing: high quality gifsets get notes. I know that what constitutes a HQ gif is subjective, but there is a consensus on this amongst big blogs, so I will summarize it below.

Make gifs from high-quality video sources. If 1080p is available, use that. Don’t gif from videos below 720p. Also, the larger the t*rr*nt file, the higher the quality. If a 1080p t*rr*nt from a movie is under 2GB in size, it’s probably not decent enough to gif from.

Use the new dimensions. Tumblr changed from 500px to 540px over 3 years ago now I believe, and all the big blogs use these dimensions. I rarely see sets like this anymore, but some users do still hold on to the old dimensions. Obviously, you should do what you like, but know that you’ll get more notes if you make the switch.

Do not skip frames. If you use screencaps, extract 25 frames per second. If you are an ‘Import video frames to layers’ kinda gal, like me, import all frames.

Sharpen your gifs! It makes an insane difference. My faq section links to a sharpening action.

Your frame delay should be 0.05. If you have a low amount of frames, you can get away with 0.06, but do not make your gif any slower than that. It will look unsmooth.

Go for natural coloring, where you simply brighten up the gif and enhance the colors (beware of whitewashing tho). I know that using PSD’s from resource blogs is tempting, but it’s very likely they will not work for the particular scene you’re giffing. It’s best if you learn to color yourself and adapt your coloring for every set. Also, it’s up to you what you think is pretty, but extremely vibrant and extremely pale coloring isn’t very popular anymore. Natural is the way to go. (This is with the exception of those gorgeous color edits people have been making recently. Y’all are queens & that shit is hard to make yo!)

If your gif is larger than the 3mb limit, NEVER sacrifice colors in the ‘Save for web’ window. Always delete frames to lower the size of your gif.

Just saying, but Photoshop CS5 has been known to make the best gifs.

For beginners out there, please don’t be discouraged. I’ve been making gifs for years, and they were absolute shit in the beginning. It just takes time to learn, but if you stick to it, you’ll get there.

3. Concept over quantity

Allow me to draw a comparison with YouTubers here - I think we all prefer YouTubers who post one well fleshed out video a week (for example, Safiya Nygaard) over YouTubers who post an okay video every day.

I think a lot of users think the way to get notes and followers is to post a gifset every day. This probably does work to an extent, but I personally think it’s better to come up with original concepts that you post every few days.

When you watch a movie, you can make five gifsets out of scenes from that movie, or you can come up with a concept. For example, parallels between scenes, parallels with other movies, the best lines of a certain character, etc. This takes more work, but sets like these are highly appreciated because they’re original, and they tend to get more notes.

This doesn’t apply to new releases, as you are probably among the first to gif a particular scene, but if you’re giffing a scene from a movie that’s been out for a while, you’re very likely not the first to do it. People will see it, realize they’ve already reblogged something very similar, and keep scrolling. But if you come up with a new idea, that’s what’ll get you more traction.

To give you a personal example; I recently rewatched all of the cap films. Now, I could have giffed popular scenes like “I could do this all day” or “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line”, but that’s been done before... a lot. Instead, I came up with this, and got 6.5k notes. I haven’t posted that many new sets on my blog recently, but posting content like that has gained me some followers and new mutuals.

4. Timing

All this requires is keeping an eye on your dashboard and taking note of when most of the people you follow are online. I sometimes see European content creators posting their sets smack dab in the middle of the day. Lemme tell y’all something: the Americans are sleeping.

I’m in timezone GMT+1. My dash wakes up around 5pm. I never post before 6pm - I’ll post anywhere between then and midnight, so feel free to convert that to your own timezone. The scheduling feature on posts comes in handy if you’ll be asleep or at school/work around that time.

If you post when Tumblr isn’t active, your set will drown in all of the other content, so be smart about timing.

5. Strategic tagging

It seems that a lot of users still don’t know this: only the first five tags on your post show up in tags on Tumblr. Anything past the first five will only be useful for your own tagging/archiving system, but will not show up in any tracked tags.

So first point: always use the most prominent edit tag for the fandom you’re posting in. Examples are #marveledit, #hpedit, #filmedit. These are frequently used, and often tracked by big blogs.

Second point: figure out who the big fansites/group blogs are, and if they track a tag, tag them. Make sure you follow them, obviously. If your post is funny, you might wanna tag bob-belcher (#bbelcher) as well - this blog is popular across fandoms and posts content from all over!

Third: tag users who you think will like your post. Don’t be thirsty with this. Again, only do this if you follow them. Tagging 2-3 users is ok, but don’t be out there tagging 8 to 10 blogs on your post. Not only is that a little pointless (because only the first five tags will show up), it also makes you look thirsty. Users might not appreciate this, and ultimately might not reblog your post because of that. Also, try not to tag the same users on every single one of your posts.

6. Popular content

If your fandom is niche, so is your content. That’s perfectly fine; don’t feel pressured to post about anything that isn’t your passion.

But if your goal really is to get more notes and followers, create content from fandoms that are big on the platform. Examples are Marvel, Harry Potter, Star Wars, film blogs, etc.

7. Join a fansite/group blog

Every big fandom on Tumblr has one or multiple fansites/group blogs. I recommend you figure out who they are for your fandom, and apply to one that’s accepting new members. You’ll likely get in if your gifs are HQ.

I know this sounds a bit counterintuitive, as you’ll be posting content on another blog that will be getting the notes and followers from it, but it actually is a good way to gain more exposure. These blogs have large amounts of followers, and they usually allow you to reblog your own content to them, as long as you’re active. I think it’s a great way to get your content out there.

Alright, time to wrap up this post. I’m not personally calling out anyone who has made posts about followers, notes, like-to-reblog ratios, etc. I’ve seen at least 15 of those posts in recent weeks so I’m just reacting to a trend I’m seeing, by presenting a potential solution to a problem people seem to be having. 

My last tip is this: if notes and followers on Tumblr are making you feel down or frustrated, maybe it’s time for a little hiatus or a step back. In the end, you are not getting paid for this and your popularity on the platform has no bearing on your real life. This is supposed to be a fun outlet for your passions and interests, not a source of frustration and anger. Don’t take it too seriously! You’re doing amazing sweetie.

[satchaccuss]

Dragon Age. What’s next?

I seriously need to know Solas’ plan; because if he removes the veil, demons come into the world. Then what the f*ck happens?

Demons mostly only possess ppl to cross over the veil in the first place right, so without it what will they do?

Sure they will still possess mages for the power obviously but normal ppl will be useless since the demons only have their own power initially anyway when merging with a normal human, right?

And I seriously doubt that elves will just magically become immortal or capable of magic (tho I don’t remember if all elves knew magic, I don’t think so but...) the moment the veil is removed, so why so many elves are following him is a mystery to me. They are a proud ppl but I didn’t think they were idiots. lol

It is such a cool edition that the elven pantheon or whatever it was called actually existed and still exists, they will also not be trapped anymore when the veil is gone. Solas had a plan, what was it?

How does the pantheon relate to the Blight? I am assuming solas trapped them in the golden city and then the magisters went there and.... then what? Are the pantheon the archdemons? No, that doesn’t work; there aren’t enough of them, right?

How does the “old souls” relate to anything? The one in Kieran (I think that was his name), what or who is it? And I take it Solas absorbed Mythal’s soul into himself or something in the end there, right? So is she dead for real now or?

...and if Flemeth has been Mythal for quite some time, why hasn’t she been doing “Mythal-y”-things? The rumors about Flemeth states she was stealing her daughters bodies to live forever and such, of course she moved “fate” along a few times too, but is that it? And seriously her lie in DA:I that Morrigan was “never in any danger” from her just irked me! The outfit you can acquire after killing Flemeth clearly states “-1 willpower” and the description says that Flemeth would have gifted it to Morrigan when the Blight was defeated and it would slowly drain her willpower so Flemeth could easily possess her. Lying f*cking c*nt!

Here is the kicker tho, ppl are saying that if Anthem fails, Bioware is toast.

And that can NOT happen ppl! I need closure!

Unfortunately I have no interest in Anthem, so I won’t buy it and a lot of other ppl have no interest in it either so they won’t buy it! No one wanted this game!

...actually, “someone” clearly wanted this game, otherwise it wouldn’t have been made. I wonder who?

It just looks boring. The story better be f*cking amazing, the short trailer that is playing right now tells me f*ck-all about the actual game honestly... and why name some magic mcguffin “Anthem”... that word already defines something doesn’t it, ya can’t just use it to define something else because it sounds cool!

...there better be some amazing customization options!

The kind of suit: fat, skinny, medium.

The colour of the suit.

...and your character, although it has only been showed as first person on that end so I doubt we get any control over that.

Honestly! Who f*cking wanted this game?!?! I want the next Dragon Age! OR a new KOTOR, since a lot of ppl seem to like that series and are sad there have been no public plans to ever make it (or something like that, I am not caught up in it since I never played any of them games).

There. Rant over.

EDIT: Actually, it turns out I won’t even be able to play Anthem even if I bought it. Ppl are saying now that it is an “always online” game (yes, I could’ve probs looked that up before, but as I said; I have no interest in this game so...) and I am in general too poor to have xbox live gold membership which is required to use online modes, so; no Anthem for me.

[chaoticlycrookedimperfections]

Having feels I don’t like.

For one thing. Don’t look up stuff on tumblr. In all fairness I didn’t think it would give me feels.

Lung transplants are all well and good and thank fuck for them and I’ll be forever greatfull. But I constantly have a feeling of doom hanging over me, like somthing could go wrong at any time. I have a lowered immune system. I essentially have a foreign body inside of me.

The flue could be dangerous.

Food could lead to sickness.

My body could just say fuck you ans reject my lungs in a year or 5 years.

All the fucking pills.

None of this out ways the gift of life and how much better my quality of life is. But I’m allowed to have thoughts and feelings, doesn’t make me any less greatfull. I’m not about to say fuck you and not take my life saving medications.

Also. My mental health is so much better than it has been, in we’ll ever ( in memory) so that’s good, I guess if I’m to label my mental health I still have mild depression ( Dystimia) and mild anxiety. I still have lingering ED thoughts. The bpd not so much. But like I don’t trust that the depression won’t come back and kick my Arse, like it’s dealable at it’s level, I’m just so scared of it returning especially if somthing bad happens to mum. ( this is a constant anxiety for me)

And even just these constant thoughts and anxieties of looming doom hanging over my head stresses me out. If my brain hadn’t decided strong or any emotions are not for me as maybe a self preservation things would be harder.

Awkward moment today when we had the Stanley knives out for cutting out paper I had serious thoughts of plunging it in my arm and seeing some blood, like it was nt emotional I don’t think, it was an Addict thing. I had to put it away out of sight. I even contemplated just cutting my finnger. This makes me nervous. Like I havnt cut ( minus one time ) in about 2.5 years, that’s a long time. I slipped up once in that time but it was not bad ( still counts tho) I guess it’s always going to be somthing that’s in my thoughts. Like once and Addict always an Addict just don’t act on urges and emotionally I’m not driven to hurt myself.

I think my last crutches that I have are money and food ( ED behaivers and non ED stuff.. yes there is both ) like if I’m having a shit day I will eat whatever and be like fuck it all I don’t care and the next day I will be pissed about it. Also I eat when I’m in an extra good mood cos I’m like. Haha I don’t care. I do care, just later. But money. Like it’s my money and no one else can get mad at me for spending it except for me so I’m not fighting anyone one this. But I’ll spend and then be pissed. Like I’m still doing stuff to piss myself off, it’s just not dangerous and risky behaviours. Also buying lots of clothes seems like I’m trying to fill some hole? Being so materialistic because I don’t know what else to be without being a deep person.

There’s currently an add on tv that pisses me off not because it’s a bad add but because it’s not fair to me. It’s about someone working with people who grew up in orphanages, and finding where they come from. Lovely. Great. Good for people. But I come from a country that this is an impossible thing. My parents got told when they got me that there was no point looking for my birth parents so I’ve never pined, never wanted, never worries ( not on the surface anyways) but this add says. Somthing like “ how do you know who you are when you don’t know where you come from” and it makes me yell fuck you at the tv every time. It’s makes me angry. I have a poor sense of self, I struggle with not looking like anyone I’m related too. I struggle with being the only brown person in my white ass family. I get angry at other people having baby pics of them selfs or parents with memories of births and baby times. Like I don’t get any of that and it hurts. I struggle with who I am? This is maybe why I’m so into my clothes and external style because what do I have on the inside?

I’m that weird lesbian who likes cats with all the scars, but she’s got cool clothes and shoes.

With all the scars, that’s what I think people see the most about me and then the clothes.

This stuff all makes me hate me. My physical body makes me hate me. My body shape. The way my body sits. The way my hair is cos it fell out. My physical health cos i get puffed out so easy. My lack of energy and get tired so easy. My lack of self control with food. Just that the whole food / weight thing is so hard. The scars. They’re never fucking going to go away. I think the scars are second to my weight / body shape but not by much. So this leads me to what I do like about me. Other than I am a nice person ( externaly, somtimes internally I feel like an arse hole) and I have cool style.

Uh. Whatever. At least I’m not super depressed right? At least I’m alive? Being alive is exausting. Not acting on my urges is exausting. Missing the drink and weed and even the pain killers is exausting. I’m exausting. If I was reading this ide want to punch me in the face. I’m such a winger. But this is my life, this is the flip side to at least my life’s not as bad as it was and I am lucky and I know it. I’m lucky to be alive, I’m lucky to be relativily healthy, I’m lucky to have my house, I’m lucky to be loved. Like my life’s not bad. My thoughts about me are. The way I think about myself if bad. My feelings and lack of feelings are bad. But my life is not. And somtimes I wish I was back there among the chaos. The chaos is familiar, the chaos is comforting, I know the chaos, the chaos matches my thoughts and feeling towards myself. The chaos made me feel alive. The chaos was crippling and damaging.

Thinking is no good. This is why i don’t do it. But tafes stressing me out. Like don’t even get me started on that haha. Future plans? What am I doing with my life? I can’t hack it? I’m not very good at art... everyone’s better than me....

It’s bed time but I’m not sleepy. Too much on my mind, ended up taking Valium last night but that’s not a solution. I need sleep I can’t function these days without at least 6/7 hours. I used to be able to. I used to be able to do a lot of things.

Oh and while I’m at it, being single... being alone for life, being asexual ( for want of a better word) like do I care? This is a choice I have made but why have I made this choice. I get bored in the evenings when my two options of people I want to talk to are busy or I have nothing to anoy them with. I want someone to chill with but not for long. Have a built a big dirty wall around me. I’ve had one relationship and that has hurt me and left me scared of ever being in a relationship. I don’t trust other people and I don’t trust myself to become that person I was in that relationship. Also I doubt my chances of finding a woman that doesn’t want to have sex. But does it matter? There is so much focus on people being in a couple that I feel I’m wrong but maybe I’m not maybe it’s all perfectly insent. Nothing to worry about.