#why is my soul leaving my body every fucking time this is so unfair who is responsible for this?

[wildest-wavez]

the religious experience that is will branner's vocals in literal monster needs to be studied. like why am i transcending this plane every fucking time i hear it??

[haptureratch]

I've known this man for one week. One fucking week. I guess two if we count the time period spent on introductions, texting, and contemplated meeting. And he has shown me more genuine kindness and care than all the other men put together since I dated Aaron.

And I don't know how to deal with any of it. The bad memories, the rage at ghosts and myself. I can't believe I gave them so much love and accepted so little in return. I gave them everything and I was starving, believing the scraps they handed me were from a fucking three Michelin star restaurant. I wasted so much. And I'm left here so battered and having a hard time letting go. For what???? For fucking what???? For a perverted physician who wanted me to be his little plaything pornstar slut while he played victim in a divorce that was his fault? For a manchild law student with a nasty temper who dropped out because he gave himself a full-blown paranoia from overuse of marijuana and blamed me?? For a video game designer who was in love with someone else and let me think it was my fault that he wouldn't come after me? For ALL those dirty bastard men who only lusted after my body like I didn't have a soul? For the hippie fake-woke physical therapist who made me feel inferior just because he didn't know who he was or what he wanted and couldn't see that I was an unsalaried med student just trying to make it through a board exam A BOARDEXAM A B O A R D E X AM ? For the floor nurse with the literal worst disgusting hygiene that he got me sick and didn't tell me while he flaunted me to his parents and patients as mY dOcToR giRLfRiEnD? For the British pilot who rejected me for not being good enough when I was a nurse and then came after me again when I was a physician only to play the same fucking games with intimacy and secrecy like I wouldn't remember, like I wasn't smart enough to understand what was happening???? Absolutely fuck off; I remember all of you. And I hope you remember me and what you did.

But mostly I hope to our lord and savior jesus h fucking christ that they just fucking figure it out and stop hurting people.

And then Steven comes along.

It's SO NICE but sometimes I am u n w e l l .

SO I CREY

and try to hurry up and process so i can be okay and not push him away with all of this mess.

my biggest fear is that when his work is done (or even when the schedule really ramps up) he'll just leave and not want to try to continue this. my fear is he already knows we won't go past his allotted time in my city. that i can't metaphorically/emotionally follow him back to LA. that this was just a beautiful and passing moment in his life. maybe he does this on every work stretch. a place of comfort in a foreign city.

I don't want to hurt myself. i don't want to do what i did with Ari; that was unfair to the both of us. and it was the same thing; here for work and we liked each other. but this is different. it has to be; i feel it. please let it be just a little different? if gabi and collin could have it why can't i?

[onotherpeoplesheartache]

god, what is wrong with me

today it’s been a month since we actually started dating, and all i can think about is how much we should not be together and how this can never last.

i love him so much and i want him in my life forever, i want to share everything with him and have a whole future with him

but then i’m reminded of everything that’s wrong with me. body, mind, soul. how broken and damaged and useless and pointless i still feel, i still am.

some days are better, of course. some days i almost feel like i could fall in love with life again. almost.

and then some days all i want to do is erase my entire existence because of how much i hate myself and everything that i am, every part of me, because i honestly feel like everyone would be so much better off if i wasn’t here.

as i’m writing this, i’m also realizing it’s been just a few days short of three years since i last tried to off myself. and even as good as things can sometimes be, especially lately, it’s something i still think about. most of the time kind of as a passive thought and a backup plan, i guess, but still. and even now i can’t help but think, maybe i should’ve gone through with it. maybe i still should.

i’m not stupid enough to think there’s no one who would be hurt, no one who would miss me. but i can’t help but feel like at the end of the day, things would be better off that way, the people i care about would be better off if i wasn’t here to make things so difficult for them. to complicate their lives, to make them worry, to just having to adjust to my existence.

on a related note, my dumb tracking app also tells me it’s been 697 days since i last hurt myself, in the way that i usually purposefully do, anyway. not gonna lie, i was so tempted to break that whole streak last night, and then i remembered i threw my razors away. so instead i just took a long shower, turning the water as hot as it would get, and it still wasn’t enough. like a fucking cliché, i was just sat on the bathroom floor, crying under the scorching water, and i was still absolutely freezing and feeling so awful i wanted to die.

i still feel that way. and honestly, as stupid as it is, it partly just comes down to my stupid ED and body image issues, too. i wish i could be someone confident, or even just relatively comfortable in their body and how they look, but every time i look at myself, in the mirror or otherwise, i just hate everything i see. and i know part of it, especially the dysphoria, comes down to Him and what happened, too. but even acknowledging that doesn’t change how i feel about myself and my body, it doesn’t change the years and years of wishing i was someone else, looked different, felt different. it doesn’t change me wondering how he or anyone else could even find me pretty or beautiful or hot, and how i’m still convinced if we ever do finally meet irl, he’s gonna change his mind.

and i feel stupid saying or even thinking that, because i know he’s not that superficial, and at the end of the day none of this has anything to do with him, i just hate myself and my body so much that every day i find myself spiraling deeper back into the ED i never even stopped struggling with, really. and to be honest, it’s not something i really even want to stop until i’m small enough, thin enough, pretty enough. believable enough. until there’s less of me to remind me of Him, less of me to still feel Him.

i was already convinced before, but the more i actually write down all this shit, regardless of how much sense any of it makes, the more i feel like he deserves so much better than me. i have so many issues and flaws and so much damage and baggage that i don’t think whatever good he finds in me is ever going to outweigh the bad, and eventually he’s going to realize that and leave anyway, so part of me really just wants to save the time and the effort for both of us.

but i know that’s fucking unfair, and he should be able to make his own decisions, which i guess is also why i’m writing this whole post, and i guess finally giving him access to the entire blog, too. it absolutely terrifies me being this open and vulnerable, and if/when he reads this and everything else here, sees all the worst parts of me, he’s probably going to leave, but instead of me just straight up sabotaging every good thing in my life, whether he wants to stick around should at least be his decision to make, right?

…fuck.

[blooblooded]

BOOK 1 OUTLINE AND PLANNING

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." -Nietzsche

PLOT THREADS

Kassidy: ‘Plot A’. Main storyline. Daily life turns to horror. Kassidy Nguyen finds an ancient book in her boss’s office and slowly becomes corrupted by its power. She and her friends flee from their Colony and into Marty’s. Action oriented, major conflicts. THEME: Fight hard for your own growth and strength and against your helplessness, but sometimes that can be ugly. Stopping the bleeding is not the same thing as healing. GOAL: She wants to no longer feel helpless in a world determined to keep her down. She wants to do anything to keep from feeling grief. MOTIFS: blood, the body as a cage, hunger, desire, power over the self. Transformation-- is it good or is it bad?

Smiles: ‘Plot B’. Secondary storyline. A nameless man acts as a tool of the state and does his best to survive. Smiles and his team go on various missions, culminating in an overlap with the ‘A’ plot. Smiles endures misery and trauma while being a funny, enjoyable dude. THEME: Nothing in the world feels worse than failing to protect. GOAL: Protect himself and others. MOTIFS: Shields, bubbles, memory, light, the body as a tool, identity. Who are you, if your only purpose is to cause harm? Can you also protect? 

Sashi: “Plot C”: Tertiary storyline. I don’t know if I should keep this plotline because its purpose is only to exposit on Eden’s political system. I was thinking of changing this POV to Dana but maybe that would be too on the nose? Or would Dana’s POV really make it so that this is a Nguyen family story???? A detective in Eden investigates corporate crimes, leading to Silas enforcing isolationist policies. THEME: We are all little cogs in a big world beyond our understanding. GOAL: Keep the world safe for her and her wife. MOTIFS: unfairness, poverty, commie stuff, motherhood?

Anatole: ‘Plot D’: Quaternary storyline. A military official in a land that has recently undergone a regime change navigates a tense political landscape. He learns about his leader’s goals, which happen to tie into what Kassidy is learning about blood magic and the Lost Colony. THEME: Do you continue following orders and doing your duty when you suspect that the person you are following is bad/corrupt? GOAL: This is just a basic fairytale hero guy, idk, he is honorable and shit.  MOTIFS: Order, mud, uniform, sword, loyalty. Also something about embodiment.

Dr Bellamy: Dr. B works with Yancey on suspicious shit. Serves to set up the Yancey storyline.

Lee: One chapter at the end. “What if a loser nihilist was also batshit crazy and dreams of the Void every time he closes his eyes.” 

MYSTERIES AND QUESTIONS KASSIDY MUST FACE

Where did the Book come from? If Cihad brought it into Eden, where was it before?

Why were 15 pages of the Book posted online? Why did Cathy do that?

Is what happened to Rosaline’s body the same thing that is happening to her’s? Why can’t she cope?

What does Tony really know?

Why does she feel this urge to leave Eden?

What does the Rift and the Void have to do with the Book?

CHANGES IN THE SCRIPT

Smiles is nicer to his teammates.

Ayda never has a crush on Cihad and doesn't mess with his mind.

Cihad is no longer working a 2nd job in the secret police as a nurse, his only job is at the hospital.

THEMES

Embodiment: This is directly pulled from my insane problems with the mind-body connection. Are you a body or are you a soul inside of a body? What does it mean to be trapped inside of a form you don’t want to be in? The source of evil in this story is the BOOK, which is continuously trapped inside of forms/bodies it does not want to be inside. What would you do to get into the right body? I know the things that I’ve done. Our bodies are so fragile, dude, and this fragility ties in with the brutal violence seen in this story. The fucked up nature of bodies

Fate/Destiny: Tolstoy writes about fate as the unconscious life swarm of mankind. That wording has always really fascinated me (reminds me of horror). Tony especially is wrapped up in Fate, he can See it and is unable to escape its grasp on his life. Fate is kind of a higher power and connected to the Book— you are powerless against it. The person who really does not believe in Fate, only Chaos, is Lee— and we see where that got him.

Power: Power over others and power over the self. What are you willing to do to have power?

Addiction: Yeah this goes without saying. Kassidy’s behavior is pretty evident— hiding things, lying about things, compulsively using blood magic and refusing to stop even as it destroys her. And she doesn’t see how this mirrors her mother’s drinking problem. We have Tony, whose sobriety is his lifeline and the only thing he knows he can hold on to. Addiction is something that does not let you go and the BOOK is like a metaphor for that monkey on your back.

Eyes and cameras. Someone is always watching. The watchful unseen eyes of creatures beyond human comprehension. The cameras on every street corner. Everyone is always watching eachother, observing. Silas as literal voyeur. Privacy is constantly invaded and violated. Eden is a literal panopticon. There aren’t really a huge amount of cops and secret police to enforce order (exact opposite of the military dictatorship in the North) but the constant observation is how people keep themselves in line.

Body Horror: Primal fears—from the knowledge of the self as a physical object and the consciousness of pain. It broadly encompasses the concept of bodily violation, but arguably one of its most pervasive themes is that of transformation.A reminder of the body’s unreliability. The horror of the changing body goes hand in hand with the theme of trauma, of the body keeping the score. The unreliability and fragility of your body is a reminder that you are human.

SECRET POLICE MIRRORING: Remember that Smiles is so attached to his team because he has met all of them (including Nickels, I’m just gonna make that canon) when he was still Kip. Met Lucy Singh because Marshal was Harry’s friend. Met Valentine because he came over to get Rome a few times. Met Nickels/Aubrey because who the fuck knows, something to do with a school program. 

ACT ONE: Climax- Esther’s monster is destroyed

ACT TWO: CT comes over and takes his damn Book back

Act THREE: Escape from Eden

This takes place over the course of about 7 months: It begins in October and ends in April.

CAST

Kassidy Nguyen: 23. A 3rd shift nurse who works very hard. GOAL: Avoid feelings of helplessness and grief. Learn about blood magic. Bring brother back from dead? Avoid the feelings of loneliness-- as she becomes more connected to the Book, she becomes more aware of her loneliness and her desire (metaphor-- coming alive/blooming after a long freeze) but it is possible that desire for love and intimacy is more painful than not knowing it. Pushes feelings that are hurtful deep, deep down. Clinging to her pain and growing grotesque nature to avoid other feelings because feelings hurt and feelings suck. Remember during dialogue that she is NOT quiet and immediately reacts, usually aggressively.

Esther Bellamy: 23: I can’t describe Esther because she has never held down a job and had assumed she could rely on generational wealth. Typical failure oldest child. Artificial– the kind that was made to be beautiful. GOAL: growth = realizing you aren’t mentally ill, you were just trapped in a bad situation. How do you relearn how to function in the world? Has been treated like she is fragile her whole life and is just now finding out that she is strong and resilient, that she does not need to be sheltered. Freaks out when others try to control her or get in her business. ***Internally angry, externally withdrawn.*** She does have a mood disorder that causes problems in her life. Associated with electricity and lightning-- very symbolic of a loss of ignorance/divine spark and power.

Rosaline Church, ‘Rosie’, ‘Rose’: 23. A good person who makes money from boxing and helps out at the church’s homeless shelter. GOAL: Figure out what damage has been done to her but hide it from her friends so they don’t worry. The ‘self’ vs the ‘other’. Unlike Kassidy, who also experiences a breakdown of borders between herself and something else, Rosaline rejects the grotesque new part of herself and clings to her humanity because she did not choose for this to happen to her body. In later books she will accept it as a part of herself (obvious trauma metaphor). The mom friend, the kind of person who will go out of her way to make sure you are OK. Represses negative emotions before they even form LOL. She needs everyone to like her and sometimes can come across as spineless. Remember that she never cusses.

Cassiopeia Agapama, ‘Casey’, ‘Case’: 23. An enforcer for her father’s criminal organization, loving and generous but also dangerous. Artificial, but completely normal with none of the freakish traits you see in the Bellamys or Prospases. GOAL: Have a good time, make sure others are happy, but especially make sure Kassidy is happy. Very spontaneous, unthinking person. Simultaneously kind and hurtful in the way that something in nature is. Associated with stars -- something beautiful and bright but also something far away and unobtainable.

Ayda Jay, ‘Ade’: 24: A middle school teacher. Much better with kids than she is with adults. GOAL: Play video games with Marty and find a boyfriend or girlfriend, but also stay hidden in a world she knows is dangerous.  Huge water/ocean metaphor, sometimes being around Ayda is like drowning. She has repressed part of her true self all her life, in a way, holding her true self down under the surface. The shallow mean girl face is a way she protects herself so that nobody can see the true part of her that is vulnerable and alone and feels bad about herself. Remember during dialogue that she is usually quiet but makes little snide comments and remarks.

Martin Violet (Martin Bonneville?)‘Marty’ 22. He has never had a job and the job options are pretty damn scarce other than being a soldier. I don’t know what the fuck he does with his life.  GOAL: Figure out the mystery of the Lost Colony to distract himself from his fucked up isolated life, find out more about the Void. Intense, driven, lonely, very alone, lacks social understanding. Autistic and epileptic. Symbolism is all about ice-- rigidity and frigidity, difficult and unexplored territory. The dividing line between conscious and unconscious. His logical nature is constantly at odds with the mystical visions he receives.

Christopher Nguyen, Smiles, ‘Boss’ (only by Nickels and Johnny), 7139A, Kip, 71: 25. Team leader of a secret police squad. GOAL: Survive as long as possible and protect his friends. Protection, especially of the self, is kind of the whole thing here. Helplessness despite his physical body and dominant personality. Terrible knowledge that deep down inside he is soft and vulnerable, and wanting to destroy that vulnerability. Vulnerability of others even causing him anger because it reminds him of the self. It goes like this: Come over here. Stand like this. Take that off. Put this on. Don’t do that. Hurt this person or we will hurt you. A life of constant surveillance and order imposed on someone who is chaotic and unruly. He is an incredibly loving, friendly, intelligent person, and that is being hammered out of him. Got shot in his LEFT leg. Remember Left Leg. Absolutely riddled by mental illness, namely adhd, bipolar (mania) and a dissociative disorder due to constant trauma.

Tabitha Delmont. ‘Tabby’: 40. A career criminal who makes money by scamming people and selling drugs. GOAL: Make as much money as possible and have fun doing it. Clever, always on that grind. She had a terrible childhood and has never come to terms with that. Missing her LEFT arm.

Anthony Delmont, ‘Tony’: 40. Homeless guy. GOAL: Destroy the Book and also maintain sobriety so he can someday see Cynthia again. Defeated, scared. Has a problem where he always desires things that aren’t good for him. In Book 1 he is mostly coming back to himself and trying to figure out what he is going to do. Missing his RIGHT eye. Remember it is his right eye. Depressed alcoholic.

Cihad Tariq: 35. Head nurse at Eden’s only hospital. GOAL: Be a good dad and employee. Get his Book back. Protect Tony? Serious, hard working. Natural caretaker with a mysterious past. He holds onto his past and his beliefs as tightly as he can.

Dana Nguyen: 50. Police Commissioner. GOAL: Legitimately I think Dana wants to kill herself during the first book. Trapped, desperate, very very angry. Her problem is that she doesn’t take action because she feels trapped. Depressed alcoholic. She has basically been alone for years.

Westley Agapama, ‘West’: 44. Businessman :) And a criminal mastermind. AGA is basically Amazon. GOAL: Maintain economic control of Eden despite rivalries. Get to children before Silas can. Very kind/protective but also power hungry. He is willing to help people but also wants to profit.

Field Marshal Anatole Surkhov, ‘Tolya (only by Dog/Ivan)’: 38. Soldier. GOAL: Struggle with loyalties between Florence and his own people. Be a good soldier and fight abominations. Loyal, brave, bitter, harsh.

Phillip Gauthier, ‘Flick’: 37: Spy. GOAL: Get information for his mommy and cause problems on purpose. Manipulative, sneaky, but friendly. Crippled leg and asthma make it hard for him in his Colony.

Julia LaBelle, ‘Jules’: 34. Witch, specifically the official/head witch of Florence’s regime. GOAL: Live a peaceful witchy life and make sure that she and her loved ones are safe. She wants so badly to keep Marty and Dog safe. Mean, abrasive, and hostile due to people being dicks to her all her life.

Beatrice Kosarin: 39. Florence’s Minister of Propaganda. Calm, strong, completely untrustworthy. Great writer.

Ivan Kosarin, ‘Dog’ (by most people): 39. Used to be a weapon, now he does handyman things. Gentle, worried. Loves Jules and loves Marty. Tries his best.

Olive Vernier: 33: Former courtesan, currently being used as a political pawn because her daughter gives Florence’s reign legitimacy. GOAL: Live a peaceful, blood magic-y life. Bewitching, hopeful. Her purpose is to shed light on what happened to CIhad’s people because he sure as shit isn’t saying anything.

Prime Minister Florence Gauthier: 52. Ruler of the Northern Territories. GOAL: Maintain control of the Northern Territories and figure out how she can fuck over Eden. Harsh, angry, charismatic. Difficult person to deal with but everyone seems to love her.

Quentin Bellamy: 44. Stay at home dad. GOAL: Be a good Dad and husband. Innocent, naive, happy. Disabled due to a pressure malfunction on the subway. Before the accident, he was a talented pianist.

Dr. Lillian Bellamy, “Lily”: 52. Geneticist. GOAL: science shit but also protect her family in her fucked up way. Cold, withholding. Having an affair. Very upset that her family is not perfect. Esther is a disappointment, her husband is disabled. Puts a lot of pressure on the twins.

Eddie Bellamy: 20. Student. GOAL: Get through college and get an internship. Sleepy.

Evangeline Bellamy: 20. Student. GOAL: Also get through college and get an internship. Up tight and prissy.

Benedict Prospas, “Ben”: 25. Guy who has been in prison most of his life. Kind and shy but has a terrible temper. Completely hates himself. 

Romeo “Rome’ Prospas: 20: Neurotic and anxious. CEO of Prosperity Inc. A very young man with too much power. Has a severe anxiety disorder and rarely leaves his house.

Lucy Singh/Smokey Pete, ‘Pete’, ‘Peanut’ 0265A: 21: GOAL: Compete with Smiles for leadership so that she can ultimately keep him safe. Highly controlled, simmering rage underneath, a captive forest fire. Very serious about protecting herself and her team. 

Aubrey Song/Nickels, ‘Nicky’, ‘Nick’ 1022B: 18: GOAL: She just wants to touch Pete’s titties. A realist who despite everything dreams of some normalcy and out of all of them, is the only Death Squad member who can imagine a normal life. Pragmatic and self aware. Not a very talented psychic, but she is better at telepathy than Lady,

Valentine Prospas/Johnny-on-the-Spot, ‘Johnny’ 3385C: 15: GOAL: Make sure everyone likes him at all cost. Loving, playful, but needy. Not getting the help he needs.

Sashi Mahajan: 35. Police detective. GOAL: Do her job and have a baby with her wife maybe. Hardworking, frustrated.

Kelsey Mahajan: 31. Police sergeant. GOAL: Be nice and happy and start a family. Kind, loving.

Marshall Singh: 46. Former prison assistant warden, current inmate. Many years ago, he made a report on his friend Sanjana ‘Harry’ Harris that resulted in her death. Was once best friends with Hax. Imprisoned on false charges. Kind and compassionate, but deeply competitive in nature.

Ajax Guttierez: 28. Bodyguard to Rome Prospas. Pragmatic, has a business degree. Guilty over his inability to protect.

Barbara Church: 48. Worshiper in the Weil religion. Social worker. Calm and grounded, but her heart is conflicted because she hates the injustice around her.

Cynthia Delmont-Tariq: 11. Tony’s daughter, adopted by Cihad. Outgoing and loyal. Has psychic abilities.

Billy Tariq: A slime alien child. Sibling to Cynthia. Curious and funny. Different from the others and has a sense of self.

Rachel Zolin: 11. Cynthia’s friend. She lost both her parents during B-Day and has a lot of emotional problems. I really want to bring back some of the slenderblog shit.

Bubblegum, BG, 8046A: 18: GOAL: Do whatever Silas tells him so she is proud of him. Stupid bully, but has a good heart. Can teleport. Missing his LEFT arm.

Harper Malena/Echo, 9943A: 20: Awkward bully who has a problem talking. Seems to have some mysterious shit going on.

Lady, 1182A: 23: The most talented psychic in the secret police, deals mostly with trauma and memories. Sadistic, hurts others so she can get a sense of control.

Bizo, “Zoey”, 4638A: 20, sweet and delayed. Has befriended one of the slime aliens, named Dot. Dot has learned how to speak and think like Billy.

Creedo, 7071A: 25: Follows the rules to avoid getting in trouble. Up tight. She and Evangeline Bellamy would be best friends.

Pills, 6510B: 21. Always tries to escape and cause problems, More trouble than she’s worth. It seems as though she may have maintained some of her real memories.

Lee Harlan: 29: Depressed, evil psycho. His mind goes to the Void every time he goes to sleep. Likes to think of himself as a good person. He tries hard to be a good person but will always mess up. Very concerned about how he is perceived. Can influence other people’s opinions of him.

Silas Botega:’41’: Awkward control freak. It’s easy to be thrown off by her because she is quiet and dorky, but she holds onto grudges and when she is scared or suspicious she will crush someone into submission. 

Jerry Botega: ‘45’. Deceased? A crawling, starving, empty body that feeds on humans.

Stasya Nekraskova: Age varies. A witch who escaped the horrors of the Lost Colony and came to live in the woods in the North. Despises blood magic and wants to get her hands on the Book. Literally eats people and can turn into a huge snake.

Yancey Gallo: 31. Part time high school chemistry teacher, part time freelance chemistry researcher. Came from the Lost Colony. Believes that he can save the world from the demon of the Void and will do anything to accomplish this.

The Not Marty: An adult slime alien, trapped in the Void after its kind tried to send the Book away from their dimension. Wants to get to Earth to protect its young.

Helen: 51. A blood magic user. Holds onto faith to give herself a sense of inner peace.

Frank Toussaint: Deceased. Astrophysicist.

‘Hax’: 40. Current prison warden. Childlike and cruel. Silas really should have killed her. A rabid dog.

Chief of Staff Vega Pelenato: 45. Divided loyalties. Illusionist psychic. Friends with both West and Dana and nobody is really sure which one she is more loyal to.

Percival ‘Percy’ Ruiz: 40, A technopath who West has under his thumb. Betrayed him once a long time ago and will never do that again. ***HAS INFORMATION ABOUT AYDA’S PARENTS*****

Gena Voorst: Queen of organized crime and engineering. Made a fortune off of BOMB DAY because her company builds prosthetics. Honestly the most honest and trustworthy of the crime family leaders.

Favia Voorst: 23. In grad school for engineering. Used to have problems with Ayda in school. Disabled, has prosthetic legs.

Yura and Emily: 26. Adopted children of West. Both have downs syndrome. They love their family and do whatever West needs them to.

Mayor Jay Malena: 55. This motherfucker is such a loser and I hate him for giving Echo to Silas. A puppet Mayor. I always imagine him as a goofy kind of JFK.

Wicker: 19. A class psychic, an illusionist. Friends with Nickels.

Shorty: 13. C Class secret police dummy.

Flash: 15. C Class secret police dummy.

Coop: 16. Neuro-impulse control, B-Class. Terrible burns on the right side of his body from Pete losing her temper because he hurt her precious baby.  Actual rapist, Smiles beats the shit out of him on the reg.

Major: 18. Aggro-type. C-Class. One of Johnny’s love interests. Dumb guy.

Saturday/Jennifer Al-Harbi: 20. Dormitory staff member.Artificial. Easy to manipulate, sometimes tries to protect Smiles and his team.

October/Henry Eliades: 26. Dormitory staff member. Smiles’s Handler. Artificial. Incredibly sadistic, has it out for Smiles. Responsible for Smiles’s leg never healing.

Captain Reed Kimble: One of Florence’s people, leads the Partisan army. Incredibly loyal to his land of the Strath and incredibly concerned about Florence’s alliances with the neighboring territories, as well as the loss of traditional values.

J.C: Kassidy’s supervisor, a 3rd shift nurse.

Millie: Kassidy’s co-worker, a 3rd Shift nurse

Lyra: A girl Kassidy has a one night stand with.

King Jean-Baptiste Dubois: Deceased. He was kind of shitty.

Georgie Dubois: 13. Olive’s daughter with the King. 

Princess Seraphine Dubois: Deceased. Was injected with slime alien goo and forcibly hybridized by the blood magic cult priest (Cihad’s dad)

Mikhail Surkhov: Deceased, murdered by Dog. Anatole’s father. Was captain of the Imperial Army. Possibly the worst person in this story due to the severity of child abuse and being OK with genocide. 

Halcyon Tariq: Deceased. Cihad’s sister. He thinks about her every day.

Yadira Tariq: Deceased. Cihad’s mother. 

The Red Priest: Deceased. Cihad’s father.

Basil Stewart: Deceased. Cihad’s first crush. Was not part of the blood magic community.

Martin Bonneville: Deceased. Marty’s father. Could hear things speaking in the Void. Murdered by Stasya before his birth.

Ivy Violet: Deceased. Marty’s mother. Never recovered from having him because she didn’t want him.

Sanjana “Harry” Harris: Deceased. Kip’s birth mother. She was uncovering information about the secret police and was murdered because of it. Was permanently manic due to untreated bipolar disorder.

Catherine “Cathy” Delmont: Deceased. Tony’s ex wife. They met in foster care. She was a librarian with an interest in the ancient world.

OUTLINE

Act One:

Kassidy comes home after a long night at work (she is a 3rd shift nurse-- graduated one year ago), just as everyone else is waking up. She is exhausted and talks to Esther and Ayda. Her boss won’t move her to day shift, she has a lot of problems with him. She works hard and it never seems to get her anywhere. Due to her anger, she broke into his office that night and took something from him-- a BOOK that she had been strangely drawn to. Casey has been out all night and Ayda is worried about her-- make reference to how Casey is wrapped up in working for their dad. Esther is thinking about calling out of work at her shitty job at one of Eden’s recycling centers because she feels ‘sick’. Rosie left early because she is making extra money participating in medical research. They’ve moved in together in this 4 bedroom house (owned by one of West’s private housing companies) fairly recently, mostly because of money reasons, but Casey and Ayda haven’t really hung out with the others since high school so it’s hard to get used to and there’s still some awkwardness. They’ve all been through a lot. Make it clear that Casey was the one who reached out in the first place, and as overbearing as she might be, is still a sort of extroverted ‘glue’ of the group. Ayda is talking to Marty and Marty acts weird/guilty around Kassidy.  There’s always been something that follows Esther but Kassidy can’t see it-- she knows Ayda can. In a sudden flash, Kassidy sees the monster for a second and it lashes out at her. Frightened by this, Kassidy retreats to her room and then takes the BOOK from her bag and opens it.

2: Smiles and his team wake up and get ready for their shift. He is feeling irritated by them because they are all acting up. They were late for breakfast because Nickels and Johnny were arguing, so none of them got to eat. Their shift that day is in the Sewers, they’re supposed to hunt down and destroy some of the slime creatures that have made their home down there. This is unpleasant. The sewers are disgusting but essential to Eden’s self sustaining infrastructure, filled with rats and monsters. There are also rumors that people who don’t want to be found hide down there. Exposition about the role of the sewers in a city, and exposition about how Eden is self sustaining. The squad annihilates a few slimebabies, so we get to see them use their abilities and also get some exposition about slime creatures in Eden. The slime creatures seem scared of them. It is clear that Smiles does not understand what they are. The sewers don’t have cameras so Smiles and the gang spend time goofing off. They appear to all really love each other, but there are lots of weird tension and dynamics. It is exceedingly clear that Nickels is his favorite, even though she is a psychic. Imply that Smiles is uncomfortable with most psychics. Imply that pyrokinesis is not a usual ability. Imply that it is not normal for an Artificial to be in the secret police. This is a group of strays. Recruitment is in a few weeks, with new kids coming in to replace the old ones, and Smiles jokes/threatens to get rid of Nickels and Johnny and replace them with A Class agents. He would never do that, they are more important to him than being “successful”. Rats start swarming, running, which freaks everyone out. The squad investigates further, and they find a disemboweled corpse with strange writing on it. First mention of the blood magic cult, who obviously did this.

3: Kassidy flips through the BOOK on her day off. It’s making more and more sense to her, she is really drawn to it. Casey barges into her room and Kassidy shoves the BOOK away. Casey annoys her, there is tension, she wants to hang out but it seems like she is just bored and there’s nobody else around. Casey won’t shut up and she’s overly touchy. Kassidy feels like she is making fun of her.  Kassidy looks at her bills on her phone and feels resentment towards Casey for having money. It’s not fair that she has to work so hard and Casey doesn’t even have a real job. Her mind and body are tired from work. Casey says that Esther is acting crazy, that the ‘Thing’ they can’t see won’t leave her alone. Everyone in Eden is vaguely aware of things beyond most people’s comprehension. Casey shows her an ad she put on the internet for someone who can get rid of the thing, treats it like a big joke. Kassidy takes this more seriously because she remembers what happened when Esther’s monster attacked a bully named Ben who was picking on them in middle school. Suddenly she feels like she is in danger. Casey wants to go get lunch together but Kassidy tells her no, she is tired and just wants to read. 

4: Kassidy is at work a week later and her boss Cihad Tariq shows up out of nowhere, which is unusual for him since he works during the day. Cihad is a real strange guy, he has a weird accent, he’s huge, and he has red eyes. Tariq asks her if she has been in his office, but Kassidy is an excellent liar and denies it. She asks him why he’s at work so late, since she knows he has a kid, but doesn’t get a good answer. This experience shook her, so she tells her supervisor that she is sick and goes home. On the subway ride home, there is a checkpoint (something that is relatively normal, ever since B-Day made security stricter) where 2 secret police members (C Class, but she doesn’t know that) get on the train and scan everyone’s IDs. Kassidy has an anxious reaction to seeing secret police, and her internal thoughts reveal that this is because 6 years ago, her brother, Kip, was dragged away by them and this was the last time she saw him before he was shot for a crime he did not commit. The secret police scan a guy’s ID and he is the guy they were looking for, they drag him away while he is begging them not to hurt him. Nobody on the train does anything. Kassidy’s hands don’t stop shaking until she gets home. It’s 2am, Ayda and Marty are still awake playing video games. They make fun of Kassidy because they’re edgy dicks, but they aren’t malicious or anything. Kassidy goes to her room and opens the BOOK. She has a hangnail that she picks at, drawing blood, and is suddenly filled with power that she has never felt before, the essence of the VOID. For the first time in a long time, she is exhilarated and happy, euphoric, feeling powerful. From Esther’s room, she hears a scream.

5: Smiles and the squad frantically clean their dorm room because they found out that staff is doing room checks. They have some contraband: snacks (JVP’s), a knife that had not been returned to the armory (Nicky’s), some sedatives that Smiles had not taken because he wanted to save them for when he needed them. A member of staff, Saturday, tosses their room and finds everything, the gang begs her to not turn them in but she tells them it’s her job and she has to write them up for something. They get in trouble and have to clean the bathrooms. As they go over there, another agent named Creedo, who is frenemies with Smiles, tells him that someone was just ‘Retired’ aka shot in the head, because they aged out of the program. I’ll call this person Rally, A-Class, telekinetic. Rally was a person Smiles once had a relationship with and he thinks about that. Early in his career, he had considered creating an Elite A class squad with himself, Creedo, Rally, and an illusionist psychic named Wicker. He chose not to when he met Pete, because he felt like she needed him more. He thinks about everything he has lost. While cleaning, Pete is angry at the others because none of the contraband was hers, Smiles argues that there are worse punishments than cleaning. Johnny is lazy and keeps trying to goof off and doesn’t want to work, which makes Smiles, still upset about having lost someone, lose his temper and bubbles him. Pete gets angry about this, but Smiles tells them that he is the team leader and they have to listen to him. Johnny acts like he was fine with being yelled at and is as happy and friendly as ever, which irritates Smiles more. Pete comments that the way Smiles is acting and stepping out of line, he won’t be around much longer. Nickels says he is going to be around long after she is gone anyways, indicates that she has been getting nosebleeds. They talk about what they think they’ll be assigned on their next shifts, about some upcoming training, gossip about their enemies, and allude to stupid politics shit that will come up later, like West being a sketchy problem, and the blood magic cult. They finish cleaning and get Saturday to sign off on it and try to squeeze info from her and triangulate. She tells them some of the missions going on. They go to a rec room and Nickels goes to train with another psychic named Wicker. Division among the team. Smiles leaves to get some training bullshit stuff from their dorm. He sees a guy with a burned face named Coop (B-Class, neuropath) and beats the shit out of him, transferring his aggression, thinking about how he lost another person in his life and how he has no control/can’t keep anyone safe.

6: When Kassidy used blood magic, Esther’s monster had lashed out at/attacked Esther. Esther had a breakdown and went to the hospital for 48 hours. Kassidy wonders if there was a connection with the blood magic-- a connection between blood magic and the slime creature. She goes to Rosie, since she knows she is religious-- Ayda is religious too (turned to religion after being traumatized by Bomb Day) but Ayda can be kind of a jerk sometimes. Rosie looks kind of fucked up, Kassidy asks her about the medical testing but Rosie tells her she doesn't need to worry about it. She asks Rosie what she knows about the Red Religion, aka Red Heaven People’s Church, who practice blood magic, and Rosie reacts with disgust. Wanting answers, Kassidy goes to one of their churches. It’s creepy. She meets a woman named Helen who provides exposition on blood magic. Helen shows Kassidy scans of 15 pages that look like the Book, but Kassidy doesn’t reveal she knows about it. Helen says that they popped up on the internet about 2 years ago and nobody really knows where they came from. There are a lot of people who practice the Red Religion/Blood Magic. Most people can’t do it, their bodies can’t withstand it. IMPORTANT: ALL BLOOD MAGIC STEMS FROM SELF HATRED. Kassidy asks Helen how someone would know that they could use this magic. Helen pricks Kassidy’s finger, mingles the blood with her own, and then grows terrified. Kassidy in turn gets scared and flees. She buys food that she really can’t afford and feels nervous, like everyone is staring at her. When she returns home, she finds Casey and Ayda with a one-armed sketchy looking woman who introduces herself as Tabitha Delmont, the person who is going to “solve their little monster problem”.

7: Detective Sashi Mahajan gets a call from Vega Pelenato (chief of staff and notorious snitch/rat) in the very early morning,  informing her that the CEO of Prosperity and notorious corporate gang leader, Richard Prospas, passed away during the night. They speculate on whether this was murder. Sashi goes into work early and encounters her miserable boss, Dana Nguyen. Dana tells Sashi that she’s going to have to make a statement about a recent case of police brutality (that she obviously thinks was not brutal enough). Dana hates talking to the press, because she feels like they harass her. But then, everyone in Eden hates Dana, including Sashi-- Dana does not work hard, is an alcoholic, and there was some nasty business in her past having to do with how she handled a disaster known as ‘B-Day’. Early in her life, Sashi was involved in Eden’s Worker’s Party (EWP) along with Dana’s dead wife. Sashi notices that Dana’s phone keeps ringing (Silas?) and she ignores it.. She pulls up information on the case and thinks about how much she hates her job. Richard Prospas allegedly fainted into the blades of an industrial meat slicer on his factory floor. His son Rome stated that he has an alibi, corroborated by his bodyguard. But Sashi has several reports filed by social services 6 years ago that state that there was violence within the home. She suspects that this is motive for murder, on top of the inheritance and power grab. Sashi is tired of rich people in Eden taking advantage of poor people and believes that everything is very unfair. When she was young, she used to be involved in union/socialist stuff, so this is important to her. There was actually a time when she thought about joining a group called the UPLF, but it’s a good thing she didn’t because they ended up blowing up many parts of Eden. She just wants to have enough money to start a family. She submits her report detailing the murder, and more importantly, the unabashed levels of power the Prospas Corporation has, just like the obscene power the Agapama corporation has too much power, and how the economy is about to get hit hard, which will lead to poor people suffering.

8: Tabby Delmont is a difficult person to deal with and Kassidy can spot a con artist. Casey seems to be taken with her though, and is stupidly proud of herself for putting an ad for an ‘exorcist’ on the Internet. Everyone gathers in the kitchen. Tabby boasts that she has killed dozens of monsters and that she sells their ichor on the black market for a profit. Tabby claims that this material can be used for top secret science stuff (imply that Tabby is a grunkle Stan conspiracy theory type) She has exorbitant prices. Esther, still not feeling well, asks Tabby why she has to kill these creatures, asks Tabby why she has to kill this Thing that follows her because she does not hate it. It’s been with her since she was a child. Tabby tells her that if it isn’t killed, it will kill Esther, because something has riled it up and it is stronger than most of the ones she has seen. She talks about how these monsters latch onto people with Abilities and feed off of their emotions. She says that they eventually drive people insane, and says that her twin brother had one attached to him and he ended up murdering his ex wife. Marty calls bullshit, immediately pulling up an Article that states that Cathy Delmont killed herself, but he clearly wants to be included. This is the longest all of them have been together for a long time, and Kassidy misses her dead brother for a moment, but quickly represses those feelings. Casey tells Tabby to get on with it and kill it, Tabby pulls out a weird Voorst bioweapon and attempts to slice the Thing but is thrown back and it mauls her metal arm. Everyone is freaked out, especially those who can’t see the Thing. Kassidy has started to get flashes of it more often, which is weird because she shouldn’t be able to see it. Casey and Rosie are unable to see it at all. Tabby says she’ll figure it out, she just needs a better weapon. She bullies and harasses them into letting her sleep on the couch LOL. Casey is obsessed with Tabby’s charisma and we see how….bored Casey is and how she is drawn to stupid shit that interests her just to not feel that boredom (ADHD alert).. Rosie and Kassidy talk after getting Esther (who had been really negatively affected by this) to bed, Rosie says that Esther’s mom was angry that she was in the hospital again and wants to IVC her for a longer stay, that her mom and the others in her family want her to come home so that they can take care of her. Kassidy hears the Thing whispering to Esther as it is curled beside her in bed, and feels a chill. She returns to her room and the BOOK.

9: Smiles and the gang wake up. It’s Recruitment day (twice a year, new kids are brought in to replace the ones who have died or been Retired) and they decide to go watch some of them compete in the entrance test known as the Gauntlet. They are hardened to this. Going over to the gymnasium, they hear two unpleasant agents, BG and Lady, bragging about how they recruited (i.e. snatched kids with Abilities) a bunch of the newbies, which thankfully Smiles is rarely assigned to do since he fucked up too many times. There are 6 newcomers who begin to fight it out Hunger Games style with some volunteers. Smiles jokes about how he and Pete picked out Nicky and Johnny and it’s actually really disturbing to the reader that Smiles is joking so casually about something that must have been brutal to kids who were fuckin...15 and 12 at the time they were taken in. Suddenly he hates to think about it because he knows how awful Nickels and Johnny’s lives would be if he hadn’t picked them out. He notices that Nickels and Pete are acting close...too close…. They watch as one new kid gets really badly hurt and starts to cry, and Smiles hears BG and Echo laugh about it. He is bothered by this and dissociates. When he comes to, he’s back in the dorm and reflects on how he doesn't remember going through the Gauntlet. He is desperate to feel like he’s back in his own body, to feel present, so he tells Nickels and Johnny to get out and asks Pete if she wants to have sex. She agrees to this and they bang it out. Afterwards, she tells him that watching all that violence made her feel worried about Nickels and Johnny, since they’re weaker agents and will be Retired faster. Smiles tells her it doesn’t matter. All of them have an expiration date, they’re all going to die really bad deaths, it’s just a matter of when. Bad things happen to weaker agents.  They can’t get out and most of them don’t even want to get out-- including Smiles. 

10: Tabby brings back all kinds of crazy contraptions. Casey tells her that she isn’t going to pay her any extra money. Sometimes it feels like Casey is flirting with Tabby LOL ew. There’s a lot of tension between Tabby and the girls, since this woman is literally crashing at their home. Kassidy tells Casey that this woman is definitely going to rob them blind and is a scammer, and tells her that Casey can’t see it because she grew up so privileged and doesn’t have experience with scummy low class people, but Casey laughs it off, believing that nobody would dare because of who her father is. Marty tells them that where he lives, there are no slime creatures, but there are other...Things…., and Tabby demands to know where he lives. Marty talks about the Northern territories and his land that is called the Strath. Tabby asks how that is even possible, since Eden’s internet access is super closed off. Ayda is cagey about the whole thing and deflects. Esther’s sweet father shows up to check on her, he says that the rest of the family is doing good. Esther is not doing so good. The Thing won’t let her sleep. Seeing Esther and Quentin in such a state makes Kassidy scared and angry and she searches the BOOK for anything that might help her solve the problem. She finds information in the BOOK and is unsure of how she is even understanding what is written, because it is all gibberish to her. Something inside of her is hungry. She can’t stop eating. During the night, she cuts herself and makes a circle in the living room with her blood, then gets freaked out and covers it with a carpet. Her wounds heal with impossible speed and don’t scar. She can’t remember why she felt like doing that. It just felt natural to do.

11: In the Northern Territories, Field Marshall Anatole Surkhov returns to the Strath after a long campaign. He reports to the Prime Minister, Florence Gauthier, and tells her that he and his men destroyed many monsters in the woods. When he tells Florence that he lost a lot of good men, she doesn’t seem to care. Florence tells him that they need to double their efforts, but that her spies have heard that loyalists are congregating again in the cities and she doesn’t want another war on their hands. Anatole tells her that he would like to stay in his home Territory of Kimanka, which suffered the most losses during the war and where his mother and sisters live, and she denies him that. Florence has knowledge about him that would destroy his life if exposed (he is trans and the Northern Territories are not very progressive-- but they have gotten better under Florence’s regime) and uses that, as well as his family’s/dead father’s history of uh...war crimes...to control him. Anatole leaves, angry. He walks with his valet, Dog (make implications about Dog’s history/we see a parallel between what Anatole’s father was doing and what Silas is doing with secret police), and one of Florence’s little spies approaches them. Anatole tells the spy, Flick, to leave before he beats him down, and Flick just laughs. He asks if the wilderness is getting safer, because Florence wants to re-establish the trade routes with other Colonies. Anatole says that the last time they sent people to Eden, they never came back. Flick says that he doubts that was because of the crawling, twisted flesh creatures in the woods-- he knows about the people of Eden and he says that he wasn’t talking about Eden, he was talking about a different Colony, the ‘Lost Colony’ to the east where something bad happened a long time ago. Flick says that there is a powerful weapon there (the reader thinks she is talking about the BOOK, but she’s talking about the contraptions and Jerry and mayyyybe nukes) that can Make the North Great Again (™ lol). Anatole says that he only knows about Eden because of the witch boy Marty, but Flick says he has been in contact with someone involved in trade (Percy and West…) who want to open up trade routes as well. They walk past the gallows, where Florence has left the bodies of several political enemies hanging. Flick comments that he can’t imagine what would happen if Florence got her hands on the rulers of Eden, who have let the Northerners suffer and starve for 200 years. Anatole tells him not to be stupid, he would never allow his men to die for a pointless war. Flick asks why he thinks he has any say in the matter at all.

12: Kassidy is hungry, she can’t stop eating. She is eating her roommates' food because she is so hungry and they are getting mad at her. She calls out of work again one night, this has been happening more and more often. She is starting to feel worried. Every day, she understands more of the BOOK, even though she can’t read it. She thinks about showing it to Rosie, who she trusts more than Casey and Ayda, and who has proven that she can handle stressful situations. In the living room, Tabby is there, and she asks where Kassidy got the BOOK from in a weird way. No, Tabby doesn’t know anything about the BOOK, she’s just nosy. Kassidy feels defensive. Rosie doesn’t take it seriously and seems distracted. Upstairs, Esther starts screaming again and Rosie leaves. Tabby tries to engage Kassidy in conversation. They are similar: both survivors, both very poor. Tabby asks to look at the BOOK and Kassidy grows angry at her, pushes down the desire to lash out.. Kassidy tells her that this is stupid, but knows different. Casey comes home later in a confrontational mood because her father’s shipping business is being threatened by Prosperity Inc’s new business procedures. The dark thing is is that Casey has killed two people-- other gang goons who were trying to kill her right back-- and it is hard to reconcile with that sometimes, since Casey does not seem to feel bad about it at all and is actually very open about having stabbed people to death before (so….Casey is actually internally very troubled by this and we’ll get into that in Book 2). She asks Kassidy if she remembers Rome Prospas from high school, since he’s only 20 and now a huge threat to her father’s business. The memories of that time are too painful for her to even think about, and Kassidy returns to her room and stares at the BOOK.

13: Dr. Lily Bellamy is hard at work as a geneticist. She works on contracts, sometimes for Eden’s government, but mainly what she does is create Artificials. The first Artificials were developed 30 years ago, using technology her parents developed. Dr. B imagines a perfect world with no more sickness or disease. She checks on the development of several fetuses ordered by some rich people and we see how cold and clinical she is. She has her own laboratory. A chemist named Yancey Gallo shows up to talk about work. Dr. B has been cheating on her husband with Yancey. They have disturbing sex in the lab LOL. Dr. B is worried about her daughter Esther and doesn’t know how to protect her from herself. The two of them look over some clinical trials that they have been working on together and Dr. B recognizes a name (Rosie). Yancey seems frustrated by the trials because there have never been any human survivors. He pulls up video footage of them dying painfully. Dr. B reminds him that there was one, 7 years ago, but it was an accident and the subject is now insane (it’s Lee…). Yancey is like, oh yes, I know Lee but we can’t really count him. In Dr. B’s lab, there are tons of ichor from slime monsters that she has procured on the black market. It’s late, and she goes home to her husband Quentin, who is disabled and irritates her. We see that she is motivated in her genetic projects because of her family members who aren’t ‘perfect’. They watch TV and West comes on, we see that Dr B is troubled by him for some reason. She thinks about her project and wonders if she’s just wasting time.

14: Kassidy and her roommates and Tabby Delmont are ready to destroy the monster. Tabby has finally procured the weapon that she believes can kill it. It is unusual for these slime monsters to be this strong and she asks Ayda if she has also noticed that there seem to be more of them, and they are multiplying. Ayda hurriedly changes the subject but Marty tells her that it’s stupid to try to protect herself because everyone already knows that she is a psychic. Kassidy finds herself wishing that she was like Tabby, Esther, and Ayda. They gather in the living room and Kassidy remembers that she painted a circle of her own blood on the floor beneath the carpet. When Esther walks in, Kassidy finds that she can see the Creature that follows her. It’s terrible, a crawling black slimy thing with a white skull face like a stag’s. It looks at her and it is not angry, it is afraid in the way an animal is afraid of a predator, it’s scared! Kassidy feels so hungry when she looks at it. At first, nothing happens. Tabby brandishes the strange weapon and Ayda tells her to stop, that this isn’t a good idea, and her psychic fear affects the group. Esther is like, wait, wait wait! Kassidy wants to see the slime Creature Destroyed, completely and utterly, and has a vision, a memory, of another place, another universe that these slime alien things originated in and a huge hungry presence ripping a hole in their dimension to get at them. She sees a psychedelic ocean planet and she sees its waters turn black with blood. Tabby slices into the creature again and again without mercy, Esther is screaming and screaming and Rosie tries to protect her. Ayda begs Tabby to stop, she is empathically connected to the creature’s fear. But Tabby does not stop and the creature is reduced to flesh and black blood. Ayda passes out from the psychic connection, and Marty freaks because he is so worried about her. Kassidy feels energized from the massacre, but everyone is wiped and exhausted. Casey, who was unable to see what happened but now knows Tabby was not just conning them, asks where Tabby got the weapon. Tabby said it is secret police tech, sold on the black market. The gang is chilled by that, especially Kassidy, who has a huge fear of them because her brother was murdered by those people almost 7 years ago. Esther begins to cry. The creature had been a part of her life since childhood. Kassidy stoops to touch the black blood and has to keep herself from putting her finger in her mouth to taste it. Marty asks “what now?”

ACT TWO

15: Kassidy returns from work, exhausted. It’s too much, she is not particularly good at being a nurse, and she has too much to occupy her mind. 8:30 am, she gets home to find Tabby, Casey, and Esther -- since Rosie and Ayda are people who, you know, have jobs. Tabby irritates her and she asks why she hasn’t left yet. Tabby says that she’s sleeping on the couch now and Casey has agreed to let her stay if she pays part of the rent. Kassidy doesn’t like this and confronts Casey about why she didn’t talk to her about it, and Casey says that her father’s company owns the house so she makes the choices. As they are beginning to argue, someone knocks on the door. Esther, still recovering from her ordeal, and annoyed by Casey and Kassidy’s angry flirtation rituals, goes to open it and says that there’s a homeless guy on their doorstep. Casey yells at the guy to get lost but he won’t leave. Kassidy suddenly feels unnatural interest, she gets up to go to the door. The guy is DISGUSTING, smells like actual shit, dirty, rotting teeth, scrawny, ragged clothes. As a medical professional (lol) she recognizes that the guy has a severe septic infection in one eye and tells him he needs to go to the hospital. The guy is muttering to himself, crazy things, not lucid at all. He Looks at Kassidy with his one good eye and starts talking crazier, trying to comfort himself, calls her Cathy (LMFAO she thinks that he is saying “Kassie” with a lisp) and starts apologizing to her and talking about something inside of her. Casey becomes protective, pushes him away from Kassidy, tells him to get lost before she beats him into the ground. Tabby finally gets her lazy ass up to deal with the problem and tells him to scram. The guy looks at her, calls her by her name, and tells her that he had to find her. He says he had to find her, something’s coming, something’s coming, saying that something is ‘talking to him again’, something from the Rift. Tabby then recognizes him and tells them that this is her brother Tony, who she thought was dead. Despite this reunion, Tabby does not react with huge emotion. Kassidy feels jealous bitterness twist inside of her-- after all, her brother is dead, he’s not coming back. 

16: Smiles, BG, Lady, Echo, and a few other A-Class agents go on a mission to the Prison District to help subdue a riot. It seems that there have been more and more riots and violence over the last couple years. Smiles makes this comment and BG scoffs and says that he wouldn’t be saying that if he had been active during B-Day. Smiles has no memories of the bombings, that was before his time. This riot was in response to an act of brutality by a prison guard against an inmate, and now the prisoners have taken over a cell block. They meet the Warden (Hax...reeeeeeeeeee), who gives off bad vibes and is just as casually cruel as everyone else Smiles deals with. The secret police go to the cell block that inmates have taken over and start fuckin...bashing people, they work together effectively. Lady asks Smiles why he and Pete don’t get rid of the dead weight on their team and replace them with A-Class agents, which Smiles ignores. She gives him the creeps. An inmate gets the jump on Lady and knocks her out (as a psychic, she is physically fragile) and Smiles protects her with his bubbles. BG goes into a rage and kills several inmates, which they weren’t supposed to do. He begrudgingly thanks Smiles, says he owes him one,  and Smiles tells BG he would rather keep Lady alive so that she can make BG and Echo suffer than giving her the mercy of killing her.

17: Kassidy calls on Marty to help her research the pages of the 15 pages of the BOOK that had showed up on the internet in Eden 2 years ago. She is trying to not get involved with the house drama of Tabby’s brother Tony showing up. Casey, generous and curious as ever, took him to a street doctor to get him fixed up -- they had to remove his eye and teeth because of the rot and give him new ones. The rest of the girls are interested in the Tony drama, especially because of the murder that he claims to be responsible for but didn’t actually commit, but Kassidy feels something strange when she looks at him and the way he reacted to her when they first met made her uneasy. Marty is naturally suspicious of Tony and claims that it’s unsafe for them to have let a random dangerous man stay with them, like wtf is wrong with them, but as usual, Casey’s word on the matter was final. Casey is really causing a lot of problems. Why aren’t they worried about living with a guy who may or may not have killed someone? WELL, it’s because they already live with a girl who has DEFINITELY killed people before. Kassidy and Marty haven’t hung out much since they were teenagers and Marty seems glad to spend time researching with her. Neither of them want to mention Kip but Marty drops a few hints that he feels guilty about something that happened back then and mentions someone named Lee-- Kassidy tells him to drop it, it doesn’t matter because Kip is dead. The blood magic religion seems to have spread like crazy over the last 2 years. Marty says that there’s something similar in his Colony, remnants from a nearby town called Blagodat, that was wiped out by the military over 20 years ago. Marty doesn’t know too much about this town, only that they were all blood magic practitioners and had a black pyramid and that the owl-masked priest did something to the Princess of the North to make her monstrous. He saw the terrible Princess briefly 10 years ago before she was killed by another blood magic practitioner named Olive. He also knows about rumors about something called the Lost Colony where blood magic stuff was rumored to have destroyed it, which Kassidy has not heard of, but it gives her a chill. Marty says that in the North, there have always been rumors of a weapon there, and that 200 years ago the last democratic leader (Frank Toussaint….who Silas fuckin let Jerry eat, bitch) went there to investigate and never came back. Ever since then, the Northern Territories have been shit. Kassidy says that it’s hard to get much information about the outside world because of Eden’s political stances, but they’ve learned more because after B-Day, they had to bring laborers in from the Colony of Serenity to help rebuild. Kids in Eden are taught that the outside world is a terrible, dangerous place that is full of monsters (it is) and that the Rift emits weird toxic rays. Marty bitterly says that because of Eden’s trade embargo and isolationism, his Colony has suffered 200 years of starvation and war. He tells Kassidy he will find out more info about the Lost Colony and the blood magic town of Blagodat, if he can.

18: A meeting of the Central Committee, the people who govern Eden. Sashi, who has filed more charges of corporate corruption against the mega-corporations belonging to West, Rome, and Gena Voorst, is called to give a statement about it. Her findings on how much power private companies have in Eden get a stir from everyone. Dana Nguyen is included in this but hates participating. Mayor Malena talks about cracking down on Agapama shipping to and from other Colonies, as he is concerned about drugs being trafficked in, particularly stimulants. Dana is asked what she thinks should be done about the influx of violent crime, but she is hungover and unprepared. A group of civilians have signed a petition about the number of missing children in Eden over the years, but the Committee does not take this seriously since most of them agree that it is likely due to human trafficking to other Colonies and again blame Agapama-- they want to use this as an excuse to crack down on private corporations. The Central Committee begins talking about the pros and cons of moving to Nationalize the corporations and what it would look like for Eden to be completely self-sufficient, and ways that they can cease trade. They have ceased trade with one Colony (The Northern Territories) before, about 200 years ago. Sashi is told that she can leave since she is done presenting her findings. As she walks out, a quiet and normal looking woman she has never seen before and who said nothing during the meeting  thanks her for her hard work.

19: At work, Kassidy goes overboard while assisting with an autopsy and mutilates the corpse. Her supervisor asks her what’s been going on, she looks sick and her work has been getting worse. Kassidy evades the question, her mind filled with images of rotting flesh. Her supervisor asks if she needs time off and Kassidy says no, it’s just her home life is chaotic because of her idiot roommate’s insane decision to bring random people into their home. She has not forgotten that Tony may have allegedly murdered his pregnant wife even though the official story is that Cathy killed herself and the only reason she has not turned him in is because she’s scared of Casey and Tabby. Kassidy goes on break and practices blood magic, she has scanned all of the pages of the Book (BIG MISTAKE) so that she can look at them anywhere and so that she could share them with Marty. It’s 3am. Esther calls her and asks if she’s heard from Rosie, since she didn’t come home yet, but Kassidy has heard nothing. She tries to be comforting to her friend who is worried, but is not very good at it. At this point, Kassidy can completely understand the Book and looks at a spell that can help you find someone. She thinks about using it, but does not.

20: Smiles learns that he has lost 3 days of time. Pete is beyond angry at him and tells him that Nickels and Johnny are terrified because he hasn’t been acting like himself, he has been completely out of it. Smiles says that’s bullshit.. The last thing that Smiles can remember is being on a simple surveillance mission, watching the Mayor give a press conference to a bunch of journalists (psycho violin noise...yes he saw Lee Harlan). He does not know why that upset him. He tells Pete again that he would never hurt anyone on the team on purpose, that he didn’t do anything. She tells him that’s not an excuse and that he is responsible for his own actions and says that he needs to go to the infirmary because there is clearly something wrong with him. Smiles says there’s something wrong with everyone in the program, idiot, they were all kidnapped as children and tortured and forced to hurt others. Pete has a lot of problems with his leadership and believes he is not doing a good enough job.  The staff member October, comes and tells Smiles that he is taking him Upstairs for re-education, because his behavior has been troubling to staff. Smiles does not remember this but knows better than to fight it. Pete is like wait, he didn’t do anything, why can’t you help him instead? Smiles realizes that she thinks he is crazy. October is mean to Smiles as he takes him Upstairs and Smiles fantasizes about how easy it would be to kill him. Smiles gets strapped to a chair in a little room and Lady comes in to hurt him and get into his brain. Lady tells Smiles that he is all fragmented inside, that she knows deep down inside he is vulnerable like a child. Smiles tells her that he shouldn’t be responsible for things he can’t remember and Lady tells him that he’s not special, she can’t remember anything lol and then Lady begins to torture him by bringing back painful memories. The last thing he sees is an explosion contained by one of his bubbles, and he blacks out.

21: Rosie has not returned for 3 days at this point and is not answering her phone, and Esther is beside herself. Despite the Monster no longer following her, she seems really unstable, and she is like well, you would feel unstable too if you lost something/someone who you grew up with. Well, Kassidy does know the feeling of losing someone she grew up with. Esther goes to her parent’s house because she needs support from her dad and siblings. Casey had unthinkingly made a joke that Rosie probably couldn’t deal with Esther being so high maintenance and left her, but they’ve been dating on and off since high school and during short break ups before, Rosie always talked it out with Esther. Kassidy and Marty talk about their theories about the Lost Colony and blood magic. Tony is there, but weird and zoned out as usual, Kassidy thinks he is a huge freak and feels uncomfortable with him living in their attic but can’t fight Casey on it. Marty gets a guy he knows, Anatole Surkhov, to talk to Kassidy about his experiences, because he has explored a lot due to being in the Army. The cast of weird adults Marty seems to live with is well known, especially by Ayda and Casey, they have talked to them all before-- especially Jules and Flick. It is evident that Marty doesn’t have any friends his own age where he lives, and it seems kind of sad. Anatole takes blood magic seriously and seems annoyed with Marty because he is busy. But he briefly talks about what the cultists of Blagodat and their black pyramid did to his territory, destroying the landscape with hideous fleshy pits, poisoning the water and turning people into monsters (YEAH. proof that people are trying to ‘turn people into monsters’ i.e. Rosie, and Lee etc etc), and says that when he was a child, his people eradicated them. Suddenly Tony speaks up and asks if they killed the women and the children as well, a strange look on his face, a sadness. Anatole says that there were some survivors, and that is why the North continues to have problems with blood magic, and it is one of his goals to destroy these people…..as well as witches lol…Then he says something to Marty in another language and leaves. Kassidy asks Tony what that was all about, Tony is evasive and tells them to stop messing around with stuff they don’t understand, it destroyed his life and it will destroy theirs as well. Kassidy and Marty, bastards that they are, say that’s probably because he killed his wife/why she killed herself. Tony does not deny this (wahhh he feels guilt for Cathy’s death) but repeats that they shouldn’t be messing around with things they don’t understand. He asks Kassidy where she even learned all the stuff about blood magic and Kassidy feels defensive/evasive and says that there are 15 weird pages about it on the internet, that she found out about it from an advertisement from the Church. 

22 While Kassidy was asleep, Rosaline returned. It has been a whole week. She seems guilty and apologetic, saying that one of the medical projects she does for extra money went a little wrong and she had to stay at the hospital. She looks sick. Esther is beside herself and wants to reach out to her mom for help, but Rosaline firmly says she does not want to do that. Rosaline can’t stop throwing up black stuff and her eyes look weird. Kassidy feels strange but has to get ready for work, these days she does not leave the Book around because she doesn’t trust Tony. Tabby takes one look at Rosaline and says that there’s something fucked up about her and demands to know what kind of testing she was doing. Rosie says she doesn’t want to get into it all, but she made about $5,000. Tabby rants about how you can’t trust the intelligentsia, that the scientists in Eden do all kinds of messed up things to people, and basically starts talking about conspiracy theories about how the government steals children and does bad things to people (dude if Tabby was real, she would be like a weirdo Q-anon freak). Kassidy gets out of there and goes to work. Cihad Tariq is still at the hospital again despite it being 11 and he checks in with her and says she looks sick, genuinely worried. Kassidy realizes that his accent sounds like Anatole’s (Russian. The Northern Territories are divided by language-- English, French, and Russian. So CT has a light russian-accent, he is scary). Rudely, she asks Cihad where he was born, because she figures that he might be from up there, possibly from the destroyed town of Blagodat, and that is where the Book came from. Cihad tells her that is not appropriate and that he does not appreciate her pushing his boundaries like that. Kassidy has the Book in her backpack and Cihad’s red eyes linger on it. It’s clear that he is about to ask her about it, but then gets a call (from Silas, but Kassidy doesn’t know that) that upsets him, and he says he has to leave. Kassidy, angry at him because she knows that he knows what she has done, tells him that when she was a kid, her mom used to always be at work too, so maybe he should think about his daughter.

23: Kassidy wakes up with a bloody nose and finds that one of her fingernails is flaking off. She opens up the BOOK, and has become really possessive of it. There is a passage in it that talks about bringing the dead back to life. Kassidy fixates on that. She allows herself to think about bringing her brother back from the dead and reads over the passage again and again. She goes downstairs to hang out. Esther is like, “hey Kassidy, did you see Ben got out of prison?” and we see Kassidy get angry but it’s not really elaborated on who Ben is or why this is significant. Ayda is talking about her new crush, some guy she met online and everyone roasts her for this LOL. Casey comments on how much Kassidy has been eating lately (like crazy amounts) but says she looks like she’s lost weight and is pushing boundaries again. Kassidy feels irritable and snaps at her by trying to say something hurtful, but Casey is immune to it. She asks Marty if he’s found out anything new about the Lost Colony, and he says no, then asks her if she’s learned anything about it from reading the BOOK, because he is literally autistic he never really ‘got’ that Kassidy wanted to hide that from Tony like everyone else did.  Tony freaks out and says that he knew it, he fucking knew that the BOOK was here, he had Seen its presence on Kassidy. Tony basically loses his mind and starts ranting about Cathy and gets up to go to Kassidy’s room to try and destroy the BOOK, saying that they were all in danger, blah blah blah. Casey thinks this is terribly funny, but it’s scaring Ayda. Kassidy feels rage she hasn’t felt in years and tries to physically take it back from him but Tony is bigger than she is, even though he is weak as shit, he is stronger than she is. He attempts to tear it to shreds, to rip out the pages, but is unable to, then starts raving about how he is going to take it and leave. Kassidy attacks him with blood magic in front of everyone, takes the BOOK back and tells him that she will kill him if he ever does that again. Tony starts laughing hysterically and talking crazy about how this was fate, that ‘IT’ has set everything up because ‘IT’ wants to kill him, that he never should have left the sewers, that this was ‘IT’s’ plan, that they were all going to die because this little girl wanted to mess around with things she didn’t understand. Casey asks Kassidy wtf is wrong with her because seeing someone use blood magic is fucked up, but Kassidy just tells her that she wants the Delmonts to leave or else she will, and that Casey needs to choose between these people who she views as entertainment or Kassidy, her friend of many years. Casey hesitates for a beat too long. Then Kassidy pushes past her and leaves the house.

24: Smiles and the gang all innocently watch the news in the breakroom. An interview with Rome Prospas comes on where he talks about his economic plans and his company. Johnny  is massively triggered by this because Rome looks exactly like him and it is clear that they are related. Johnny, someone who can’t handle rejection, wants to know why his family didn’t want him, like what was wrong with him that made his family not want him. Did they not love him? Smiles and Pete are not helpful and tell him that recruits are always kidnapped, so he shouldn’t worry about his family not wanting him. There has always been this problem of them not knowing how to deal with an Artificial. He has a hysterical BPD meltdown and leaves. Nickels tells them good job, he’s going to go hurt himself, and Smiles says that he’s sick of having to constantly look out for his younger squadmates and at some point you have to learn how life is and toughen up because he is not going to be around to protect them forever.. He does not actually feel this way, but it’s getting harder and harder and he is so frustrated at this point. Nickels says he can go fuck himself, because they’re all  always watching out for Smiles. Pete takes her side, and Smiles is troubled by how close they’re getting (NICKELS JUST WANTS TO TOUCH SOME TITTIES). Smiles goes to work out with Creedo, an old team mate of his. He asks her how she deals with her own shitty teammate, Pills. Creedo grudgingly tells him that she’s the closest thing she has to family and that weaker agents get Retired faster, so it’s better to care about them while you can. Their lives are so bad and so short. They take out their aggression on each other, then go to the dining hall to get a snack because they can’t stand their own teams LOL. There is some weird sexual tension between Smiles and Creedo, but also they can’t stand each other and can’t work with each other. They listen in to some of the missions getting assigned for the next few shifts, mostly recon, but it looks like squads are getting assigned a raid at a blood magic church. Smiles and Creedo agree that blood magic is the biggest problem in Eden right now and they are scared of it and don’t understand it. A staff member passes by and insinuates something bad happened with Johnny. Creedo and Smiles agree that their teammates are all they have in this place. . Frustrated, Smiles leaves her to go find his teammate. He finds him, it’s clear that Johnny is too young and mentally ill to understand he doesn’t deserve to get hurt and doesn’t understand why people act so horrible to him (well, it’s because he is different). Smiles clumsily apologizes and says that of course his family wanted him, Smiles explains the recruitment process (we see how eaten up by guilt he is for having participated in this in the past). He asks Johnny if he wants to know more about his family. Johnny says no, but Smiles knows he is lying. Smiles thinks about what he would do if he knew that he had a family out there.

25: Kassidy falls asleep at work and has dreams of the planet eating monster ripping a hole through dimensions and of a bright comet shooting through the sky and crashing into the Earth.. She wakes up and realizes that she didn’t hear a patient’s call button and that they are dead. Kassidy is not bothered by death, only by the fear that she may get in trouble. She contemplates death and finally allows herself to think about her dead brother Kip and what he would tell her to do. She re-reads the passage in the Book about bringing the dead back to life (Also….this is the spell that Reuben used to bring all of the Immortal gang back permanently…). Marty messages her and asks why she hasn’t just turned Tony in to the police, since he is still wanted for murder. Kassidy hates cops and hates Eden’s justice system-- after all, it is what unfairly got her brother killed all those years ago. She goes home and Tony is there. He apologizes to her. He tells her about his past, about how he abandoned his wife and baby due to fear of the slime creatures and sensing the Book’s presence for the first time in the hospital, his own experience with addiction, then how he reunited with his family and watched as Cathy became consumed with researching the Book and the Void, that it formed something inside her body and was killing her, and that she killed herself, leading to him hiding in the sewers for 2 years. He says that he does not want that to happen to Kassidy, or to anyone ever again. He talks about evil, true evil, evil that is hungry. Tony asks Kassidy if she understands how devastating it is to lose someone. Kassidy does understand. She accepts his apology, but says that she is going to continue looking into blood magic. Tony tells her that he will help her, but that his reasons are different than hers (see if he can do anything to destroy the BOOK/monster).

26: Sashi continues to research bullshit corporate crime going on in Eden. She tries to get one of West Agapama’s daughter’s, Cassiopeia -- a known enforcer in his organization-- to come in for an interview, but typical Casey does not cooperate and will not without a warrant. Still, Sashi has compiled mountains of shit on the corruption within the megacorporations, as well as the economic impact it has had on the people of Eden. She’s working hard. She goes out to lunch with her wife, Kelsey, who is also a cop, but not a detective. They talk about their days. They are thinking about having a baby together. A nice moment. Sashi goes back to her office to work. And then...fucking....Silas shows up. Sashi is very confused about who this person is, exactly, but feels like she is probably high up in the government since she was at the Central Committee meeting. Again, Silas tells her that she appreciates her hard work investigating corruption in Eden. Sashi thanks her and then politely asks her who she is. And lmao, Silas just tells her that she has worked ‘behind the scenes for a long time’, which is...a little unsettling to hear. Silas asks Sashi about her ambitions, and Sashi truthfully says that she wishes she could get a promotion so that her salary is higher, because she and her wife would like to start a family. Silas is kind of quiet and awkward, but nice to talk to. Silas asks if she thinks that Dana Nguyen would promote her, and Sashi sort of slips up and says that she does not believe Dana likes her. Silas, in a roundabout way, asks Sashi in her opinion, as someone whose job it is to research corruption, is Dana Nguyen corrupt/not loyal to Eden. Sashi truthfully tells her that she might be, and talks about some of the stuff she has observed (her behavior, her closeness to Vega, the fact that her son Christopher was part of a terrorist organization)-- she really believes that Silas must be someone very high up on the food chain. Silas just listens, then thanks Sashi and leaves. Sashi sits in her office and thinks about how weird that was. She continues to work, then leaves at the end of her shift, passing a truly miserable looking Dana on the way out. She goes to bed, and when she wakes up, she sees an email that says that she has been promoted from mere Detective, to Detective Superintendent.

27: Rosaline is still sick, so she and Esther travel down to the Lower Levels to visit Rosie’s old guardian, Barbara Church. Kassidy, Marty, and Tony all discuss what they know so far about the Book, the Lost Colony, and Blagodat. Kassidy tells them that she believes that her boss, Cihad Tariq, is involved somehow-- he is a foreigner and owned the Book to begin with, and she believes he brought it to Eden with him. Tony scoffs and says he knows all about Cihad Tariq, that they have a...history and that he needs to be avoided for more reasons than his blood magic. Kassidy is like WTF why is everything connected, and Tony talks about his belief in fate/something bigger than them manipulating/pulling the strings. Marty says that it’s strange that someone could have traveled so far to Eden with the Book and be allowed to live there, and even go to school and rise to such an important job. Kassidy says that she could just ask him, and Tony says that she needs to leave Cihad alone, he was involved with sketchy things (Silas…) and probably still is. Tony tells them that Cihad raised his daughter with Cathy and that they think he’s dead and he wants it to stay that way. When Kassidy mouths off, he asks her how she would feel if her mom suddenly came back into her life. Kassidy says she never told him about her bad relationship with her mom and Tony says that he picks up on things, he just knows things, he can See things, he’s a psychic but tries to give people their privacy. Kassidy thinks about how it isn’t fair that some people were born with Abilities and she is powerless and grows more determined to use more blood magic despite the side effects.

28: Anatole returns to the destroyed blood magic town of Blagodat because Marty would not stop asking him to show it to him. Dog is with him, and so is Marty’s guardian , a witch named Jules. Also along is a survivor of the town whose name is Olive. Jules and Dog have a weird dynamic where it’s clear they like each other, but nothing is ever going to happen. It is very tender and loving even though Jules is a literal bitch to everyone else. Blagodat is less than 50 miles away from the nearest Territory, but Anatole is watchful. He carries his father’s sword, which is forged of starmetal and was enchanted by Jules. There is not much left of the blood magic town. Marty investigates the place where the black pyramid once stood, and excitedly talks in English to his virtual friends, Kassidy and Tony in Eden. Olive says that she is just glad she survived that night, even though her life got worse afterwards.. Jules spits on the ground to guard herself against evil and tells Anatole that they need to leave. Anatole remembers the day that his father led men to destroy this place. When he approaches the ruins of the black pyramid temple, his sword begins to vibrate and hum. He spots something hauling itself through the rubble and tells Marty to get off the phone because they need to leave. It’s a grotesque twisted disgusting hungry creature, a leftover of what occurred to 90% of humanity when the RIFT opened 800 years ago. It attacks them. They (except Marty) work together to destroy it.. Marty is shaken by seeing one of these semi-human things for the first time and asks how many of them there are in the world and if they are the same thing as the slime creatures he has heard about. Anatole does not know the answer to this. He tells Marty that these creatures are the reason that the Northern Territories are so isolated-- The North is very close to the Lost Colony that lies to the east and these things are drawn to it and the surrounding area. Marty accuses him of being a liar, he lied to him and Kassidy when they were asking about the Lost Colony. He gets worked up and has a seizure, Jules asks him what he saw and Marty will not tell her. Anatole tells him that there are things he is better off not knowing about, and he should be grateful for his ignorance and how he has been so protected. Jules whispers about the great serpent, a witch named Stasya. Anatole’s mind is drawn to the Lost Colony and what happened there. 

29: Kassidy goes back to the blood magic church in the Lower Levels and finds Helen. She tells her that she has been practicing blood magic and Helen seems surprised to learn that she’s been doing it without a teacher. They talk about power, and lacking power. Kassidy opens up a little about growing up poor and getting bullied by other kids, and Helen relates to this (HEAVILY imply that Helen did something to get rid of a man who had hurt her a few months ago and that is one of the reasons that lately weird things have been happening in Eden, why people are angrier and more violent). Kassidy asks about the possibility of bringing the dead back to life, and classic psycho religious person Helen says that it is a matter of faith. She invites Kassidy to become a member of the Church but Kassidy still finds all religion creepy. She wants to know if it’s possible to become very good at blood magic without a teacher and Helen tells her no, which is why she should join the Church. Helen tells her that things are about to get better in Eden because God is about to come back, God just needs a human body. Kassidy remembers what Tony said happened to Cathy and feels very afraid. She gets up to leave, but Helen grabs her by the hand and asks her if she has seen God, and then talks about looking into the VOID. Kassidy tells her to let go of her, but Helen won’t. She keeps asking her if she has seen God, talking crazy stuff about how society needs to be rebuilt and how every Artificial is an abomination, and how Bomb Day had been a great cleanse and sacrifice. She notices that Kassidy’s eyes have not turned red, despite using blood magic, Kassidy’s eyes are still black. Kassidy attacks her with her blood magic and escapes the Church, then passes out on the train. She realizes that she left her ID there. AND THEN….REPULSIVE SEX SCENE LOL Kassidy just wants to feel in control and bangs some random girl.

30: Smiles and his squad are sent to the blood magic church to take in Helen Guttierez. Information says that she has been causing disorder and is personally responsible for the deaths of 3 people, partially responsible for the deaths of far more. Blood magic did not exist in Eden only a few years previously, and the Central Committee has just ruled that it is illegal and punishable by death. The Squad is uneasy and scared of blood magic, they have seen what it can do. They break into the Church. It’s the middle of the night. Helen is still awake and they find her...doing...something. Surrounded by candles, in front of an altar, naked, covered in blood. There is a mutilated body in front of her. Smiles and co are like wtf. Helen is clearly having some kind of religious euphoria, talking to Something (the god of the rift) saying that she knows it is there, it’s in Eden, and that she has seen it. The Squad interrupts her prayers. Smiles is like, you’re coming with us, lady. Helen tells him that she is done doing what others tell her to do. Smiles bubbles her and she easily breaks it, then summons HUGE slime monsters to come and attack them. Big fight, and the Squad is losing badly. Helen sees Johnny, her face twists in hatred, she says that such aberrations should not exist and that soon there will be no more Artificials. She starts hurting him badly, then does something that turns him against them (setting up the future thing where Artificials all go crazy). 2 of her church members bust in. Pete has her hands full with restraining JVP. Nickels’s nose is bleeding like crazy as she uses her powers and she is growing weaker. Smiles is like, uh oh, I think we’re all going to die...And they are all overpowered by the blood magic. Helen is like, did you really think you could fight the power of god? God is here. She takes him to the altar, it’s pretty clear that his guts are about to get spilled. Smiles thinks that it’s ironic that he is going to die like this instead of from a bullet to the head. Nickels saves the day by opening her mind to Lady. BG’s Squad busts in and is easily able to wipe the floor with the cultists. BG tells Smiles that he owed him one anyways for saving Lady in the Prison District. Smiles pushes him away and rushes to check Nickels, who looks like she’s going to keel over, he thanks her for her quick thinking. Nickels is not feeling good, because she just had Lady in her mind, and Lady does some psychic shit to help her. BG is like wtf is wrong with Johnny, because he is still acting crazy, Smiles doesn’t know-- this marks beginning of BG and Johnny friendship. Smiles wanders around the temple. He picks up Kassidy’s ID from the hospital that she forgot the last time she was here, and is compelled to put it in his pocket so that nobody else sees it.

31: Ayda tells everyone to act normal because her friend (NOT CRUSH)  is coming over to talk. They agree to behave. Rosaline is still sick and Kassidy has a conversation with Esther about what they’re going to do if she doesn’t get better, Esther says that she’ll get her family to hire a lawyer and press charges. When Ayda’s friend it’s fucking CIHAD, and oh boy he is fucking pissed.. Kassidy pulls Ayda aside and asks if Cihad came over because of her.. Ayda becomes offended. Tabby comes in and her presence seems to shock Cihad and Kassidy realizes that he sees Tony in Tabby’s face. Kassidy panics and goes to the attic where Tony has been staying and tells him not to leave or freak out because his ex is downstairs. She gives Tony the BOOK because she is in a full paranoia attack. Tony demands she get it away from him, but she leaves him anyway. Cihad calms down, sees Kassidy, and asks her where his BOOK is. Kassidy denies that she has it. Ayda grows upset, with the situation and with herself. Casey thrives in the chaos. Cihad tells Ayda to get the hell away from him (he feels her empathy affecting him), becomes angrier with Kassidy and demands she give him the Book because it belongs to him and has been in his family for a long time. He tells her that he can see she has been using blood magic and that it’s going to kill her, he has always known that she has been using blood magic. Cihad uses his own blood to complete a detection spell to find the BOOK and heads towards the attic. Kassidy tells him he can’t go up there but he ignores her and pushes past her and goes up there. There are screams and lots of noises from the attic. Casey is like, “Good job Ade, you just got Tony killed” LOL because they can’t get up there and it sounds like someone is being murdered. Eventually, Cihad comes down with the BOOK, and they hear him tell Tony to not follow him. Then he tells the girls he never wants to see any of them again, and leaves. They all rush up there to find Tony very freaked out and upset and all he says, miserably, is that he does not understand why he even tries-- there is a fixed, natural order (Fate) in the universe that he can See, and there is no point in fighting what is predetermined. To him, this order/fate will inevitably screw him every time (lol Tony). Kassidy, who is numb and shocked that the BOOK was just taken from her, is not willing to believe that things are predetermined and is not going to give up using blood magic. 

ACT 3

32: Kassidy gets called into work during the daytime. Cihad sits her down and fires her. He tells her that he can’t trust her as an employee because she broke into his office, stole from him, and lied to him. He pauses and tells her to be careful because she doesn’t look well and what she is doing is destroying her body. He doesn’t seem angry anymore, just...disappointed lol. Kassidy feels numb on the train ride home and thinks to herself that now she will have more time to practice blood magic. She looks at her phone and sees that the blood magic church she had gone to has been raided and Helen Guttierez, along with other churchgoers, have been arrested for murder. It is clear that this was secret police and Kassidy feels scared. She almost faints on the train again. She gets home, sits down with Tony, and tells him that she got fired. Tony tells her that he has been fired from a lot of jobs before he got sober. Kassidy already knew he was an alcoholic and thinks about her mother, but doesn’t make the obvious connection to the fact that she is also engaging in addict behavior to cope with her brother’s death. She asks what helped him stop drinking and Tony told her he stopped wanting to die. Kassidy thinks about what CT told her and wonders if she’s dying because at this point what she is doing is compulsive. Esther calls her and tells her that she thinks something’s really wrong with Rosie because they went to see her mom and Dr. Bellamy was acting really weird around Rosie, like she was property, Esther says she thinks she had something to do with it. Little throwaway expository thing about Yancey-- someone Esther already knows vaguely because he works for her mom. Yancey was the one running the clinical trials behind what happened to Rosie.

33: Kassidy goes to her childhood apartment to take some of Kip’s belongings so that she can try to bring him back. The apartment brings back a lot of memories but Kassidy is determined not to feel them. It looks like her mom has not been doing so well, everything is dirty and piled up. She goes into Kip’s bedroom, which has largely been untouched since his death and suppresses her emotions even more. She finds his old jacket, which was very sentimental to him because it belonged to his mom Harry, who ‘committed suicide’. Kassidy also tears everything apart to find his gross old hairbrush that still has his hair in it and an old toothbrush (YES THANK GOD DANA IS DEPRESSED AND A SLOB). She also takes the container that has Kip’s ashes in it, that were given to the family after the execution. She is about to get out, when Dana comes home, extremely drunk, and she is like wtf are you doing here because they have not seen eachother in over 2 years, Dana didn’t even come see her when she graduated nursing school. Kassidy feels disgust and anger towards her mother, she blames her for what happened all those years ago, for not noticing how mentally ill Kip was, for not being around. Dana thinks Kassidy looks like she is dying (she looks really bad) and goes ballistic because she gets angry when she is worried. They get into a terrible fight and Kassidy tells her that she wishes Dana had died instead of Kip. She leaves, wearing her dead brother’s jacket, and allows herself to think about what happened. The BOOK is corrupting and seductive inside of her mind, and she uses blood magic to shove people out of her way. She is angry and full of grief and more determined than ever to be more than the way she was born. She knows she is no longer helpless and will give anything-- even her own life-- to make sure that she does not become powerless again. This is someone who has lost everything and is willing to destroy herself to build herself back up again.

34: Anatole checks in with Florence about the politics in the Northern Territories and grows more frustrated with her. He is tired of the constant struggle and her desire for expansion and believes that their efforts are most useful on their own turf. He is tired of losing people-- the war is over! He just wants to go back to his home Territory of Kimanka but she will not allow it. Florence asks Anatole why he made an expedition to the destroyed blood magic town of Blagodat and asks him if he found anything there-- something that would look like an old BOOK. She has known about the Book for a long time. She takes him to a room and shows him a glass tank of preservative fluids, where she has contained the corpse of the former Princess of the North, a woman killed by Olive 12 years ago, who was a hideous hybrid of human and slime alien. This Princess had been mutated by the Red Priest (CT’s Dad…) as a child. This body is hideous and repulsive and it is proof that it is possible to create bodies that...Entities….can live in without decay and corruption (we think of Tony and the thing that Helen said about God needing a body) Florence asks Anatole about his loyalty. He knows that she has stopped trusting him and his pride is hurt and he leaves. Flick walks up and tells him that she has sent surveillance parties to both Eden and the Lost Colony and that they never came back. He has a tape recorder with radio transmissions from the party that went to the Lost Colony, and plays it, and they listen to a description of a strange device (figure it out-- this is the device that the BOOK wants to strap Tony in so that it can do the Ritual) and then screams. Flick is like, you know everything she told you is real, think about how we need more power if we are ever going to Make our Colony Great Again. Anatole knows that Flick is a manipulator and answers to Florence and does not understand why he would purposefully add to his mistrust of her. He says this, and then beats Flick into the ground for being an untrustworthy rat and messing with his mind. Anatole’s mind turns to rebellion against Florence. He goes to Jules’s house to find Dog (bc Jules and Dog like each other). Marty is there, talking to his little friend Ayda. Anatole finds Dog and Jules, the witch, and straight up asks them if they would support him against Florence if she has gone off the deep end.

35: It is Bomb Day. 7 years ago, in the morning, a group called the UPLF (United People’s Liberation Front) detonated bombs across Eden, leaving 5000 people dead and countless more injured. That same day, Kip Nguyen was arrested and killed (along with 21 other collaborators) for his involvement, despite his innocence. Kassidy can’t think of a better day to bring her brother back from the dead. It seems symbolic to her. The news is broadcasting all kinds of memorials, it is a highly emotional day. Kassidy empties her bank account and buys 153 pounds of meat (correlating to Kip’s weight when he was 18) She reflects on how if she had not been fired from the hospital, she could have taken a human corpse, but according to the Book, flesh is good enough as long as you have DNA from the person you are trying to bring back (Kip’s hair and his toothbrush and his ashes).. Kassidy does some kind of fucked up shit in her room to prepare this ritual that I will figure out later after some more research into necromancy. She has black slime ichor she bought from one of Tabby’s sources on the black market. She cuts herself and loses a lot of blood because a large component of the ritual is sacrifice. Kip’s jacket is there as an emotional connection, since he wore it all the time and loved it. In the background, the news is playing. It is talking about Kip (and the other UPLF terrorists who were caught), how he was a terrible person, blah blah blah. Kassidy lets the BOOK’s power fill her body, letting it have control. She starts talking in the language of the VOID. She completes the ritual.The flesh, the blood, and the black slime come together to form a crawling, whimpering thing but it is not Kip, Kassidy does not know what it is. For a moment she has hope that she brought him back, no matter how disgusting and fucked up, but it isn’t him. The disgusting form squirms in a repulsive, stinking heap. She failed. Kassidy is full of rage and hurt, hating herself for what she perceives to be weakness and failure (JK Kip is alive and that’s why it didn’t work, there was no soul to yank back into the body). She screams and starts wrecking her bedroom. Casey, the only person who was in the house, comes in and sees what she has done and is horrified by it, horrified by what Kassidy has done, horrified by the crawling crying abomination. Kassidy yells at her, telling her to get out, get out, she hates her. She ‘kills’ the barely alive squirming meat monster with blood magic in a very brutal, angry way. The TV has a picture of Kip’s face on it and she knocks it over. Casey holds Kassidy, and in her grief and rage Kassidy hits her again and again, but Casey still holds her. For the first time in years, possibly for the first time since Kip’s death, Kassidy begins to cry. Casey keeps holding her. She picks up Kip’s jacket and puts it on. He is gone. There is nothing she can do about that.

36: Smiles has just been punished and he doesn’t know why. He’s in pain and just wants to lie down. He walks in on Nickels and Pete acting a little too touchy feely and snaps at Pete, telling her that she’s acting irresponsible, taking advantage of someone younger than her, and putting Nickels in danger because of her pyrokinesis. Nickels tells him that she doesn’t understand why everyone else can get what they want and she has to be alone. She just wants to be happy! Smiles asks her if she would think the same thing if he allowed Johnny to act on his crush on him. Nickels says it’s different and they get in a fight, culminating in Nickels going inside of his mind and ripping out a memory of Smiles when he was a child, in some sort of juvenile facility, being bullied and physically hurt by the other kids. Smiles attacks her, tells her that he hates psychics, that he hates people who go into other people’s heads without asking. Nickels fights back, asking if he still thought she was too helpless to make her own choices. Pete gets them apart and yells at both of them. She has always been the most reasonable one. Smiles stomps off and nearly runs into a completely ordinary, frumpy woman named Silas. Silas asks him what the matter is. Smiles is terrified of this woman, he doesn’t understand why she is on the dormitory floors. This is the big boss, Smiles knows that she is behind everything and is the reason that his life is shitty and he suffers all the time. For a second, he lets himself fantasize about killing her, but knows that the punishment he and his team would face would be long and brutal. Silas says that she’s there to see BG, but she is acting very nice and  kind towards Smiles. She offers him a piece of candy and he does not take it. They have a weird, scary conversation that Smiles doesn’t entirely get but he starts to feel like his time is coming to an end and does not want to give them the satisfaction of killing him, but also does not want to kill himself.  

37: The gang holds an intervention for Kassidy LOL. Some people take this more seriously than others. Tabby runs the whole thing because she says that she has a lot of practice having interventions for Tony and for her mom. Very funny moment where Ayda is like “So were those interventions successful?” and Tabby is like “Uh. No.” All the bad things Kassidy has done while using blood magic get laid out in front of her-- getting fired from her job, eating everything in the fridge, getting sick, losing weight, smelling like she is rotting,, dragging 150 pounds of meat into her room (nobody but Casey know why she did that though). Everyone tells her that they care about her and are worried about her and want her to stop using blood magic, they say she can keep doing her research. It seems like everyone has figured out that Kassidy has been pouring herself into this stuff to feel a sense of control, except for Kassidy. However, Kassidy was raised by an addict and starts squirming her way out of trouble and turning it back on everyone else LOL. She is honestly such a bitch and is like, well, if you guys are so worried about me, why aren’t you worried about Rosie, huh? And laying out everything that seems weird about the Rosaline situation, the being missing for days, the sickness, the obviously being experimented on by evil scientists thing. Kassidy is really trying to deflect from her own behavior, very classic. Too bad Rosie is a very solid, honest person. She and Esther kind of look at each other and then Rosie is like “OK…” and transforms into this monster thing. AND EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW EXCEPT FOR KASSIDY bc Rosie doesn’t fucking hide shit unless she doesn’t want to stress someone out more. Rosie is like “Yeah, this is a whole thing, sorry I should have told you but the government is doing some fucked up things to people and they did this to me, I didn’t want to bother you because it seems like you're really going through something right now.” And Kassidy just thinks about how she is literally the only person in the group who does not have some kind of Ability and/or is Artificial. She feels determined to keep using blood magic even if it can’t bring Kip back, because it makes her feel better about herself. 

38: Sashi goes to work. She has been watching the news like crazy, working hard, submitting more evidence of corporate corruption in Eden. Because of her promotion to Detective Superintendent,  she is making more money, and she and her wife Kelsey are going to try for a baby. Sashi feels happy. As she is working, Dana Nguyen calls her into her office. Dana looks fucking rough, she hasn’t been taking care of herself. In Dana’s office, we see a family photograph of her and her dead wife Harry and their children, and Sashi looks at it and feels a moment of pity for this woman, because she can’t imagine losing a partner or a child, even a child who was a terrorist lol. Dana is like, you’ve been working hard, I see. They talk about what Sashi has worked on, all the surveillance and all the numbers crunched. Dana tells her that she agrees with what she has been working on, that she also believes that people like West should not have the kind of power that they have. But then she says that she does not believe that the government of Eden should have that power either. Sashi is like...what are you talking about? Dana gets angrier and angrier as she talks, saying stuff that Sashi doesn’t understand, about always being watched, about how her life has been destroyed. She has been drinking. Dana is like, I remember you were involved in the police union with my wife, all those years ago. Sashi is like, “yeah, Harry, before she killed herself.” And Dana’s face grows cold. Dana is like, “so remind me how you got promoted’ and stupid, truthful Sashi tells her about the day Silas came to her office and talked to her, and talks about how she knows Silas is some kind of high ranking official and how grateful she is to her because now she can finally start a family . And then Dana is like, ‘go pack up your stuff. You’re fired.’ There’s this terrible shock, Sashi is like “WHAT?” Dana repeats herself. Sashi tells her that she can’t do that, and Dana tells her that she can do whatever she wants. Sashi doesn’t understand, feels lost and confused and angry and hurt, having just worked so hard only to get cut down for no reason. Dana is like, “You don’t understand, but I’m helping you. I’m protecting you. Get a new job, do anything you want, just get out of here.” Sashi leaves, feeling numb and betrayed. She passes by chief of staff Vega Pelenato and sees her go into Dana’s office behind her. Sashi remembers everything that she heard about Vega’s dual loyalties and can’t help but wonder if Dana is in West’s pockets as well. She starts to firmly believe that West is paying off Dana and endeavoring to maintain control of the private sector as Nationalization closes in on his corporation. It feels like there is nobody who Sashi can go to, since Dana is at the top of everything. There’s nothing she can do. She thinks about Silas again. Hurt and betrayed, Sashi requests a grievance report from HR and fills it out against Dana.

39: Death Squad spends a shift on surveillance outside of the main gang’s house. They are all very bored and slaphappy because this is a boring mission. They talk about why they were assigned this mission: to drag Rosaline back to the Research and Development floors if it even looks like she’s about to go into hiding. Our goons all think that any Research and Development project is automatically disgusting but they have not been given any information on Rosaline other than to watch her. Smiles watches Kassidy (who is…..wearing Kip’s jacket, sob sob sob) through the sights of his rifle and doesn’t feel anything other than curiosity, because he knows that this girl was at the blood magic church. A staff member radios them to tell them that their location is changed and that they need to go observe the AGA owned warehouse that West keeps his trucks parked in. Smiles is like “what, why?” and staff is like “big things are about to go down, we need to know about movement, weapons, etc”. They get their stuff and travel through the secret little corridors that are all over Eden. Tension between Pete and Smiles. Smiles’s bad leg is troubling him. They pass by one of the secret ways out of Eden, more of a hatch than anything else. Smiles opens it and they look outside at the world. Smiles is like, what if we just left. Pete tells him that’s not funny. Smiles is like they’re going to kill us all anyways, but deep down inside he knows that there is only one way he knows how to live and that’s in the program. Very helpless scene bc even though they’re all in this bad situation, none of them would dare escape. But they look, for a moment. Suddenly BG teleports in and is like wtf are you people doing? Smiles is like “are they fucking keeping eyes on us or something? Is Lady fucking surveilling us?” BG is like uh yeah obviously you people aren’t trustworthy and now she has a connection to your telepath. Someone tells him something over his radio. BG is like, “I gotta take your psychic back to HQ”. The Squad protests. BG tells them they don’t need Nickels for the rest of the mission. Nickels is like BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. BG is like, yeah but you were thinking it. You thought about it. And grabs her and teleports her out, presumably to be punished for Thought-Crime ™. Pete tells Smiles this is his fault, he is always messing around and getting the rest of them in trouble, he is supposed to protect them. She keeps going. Smiles looks outside again, at the outside world. He asks Johnny if he thinks he is failing to protect them all, if he thinks that he has not done enough to keep them safe. Johnny says no, of course not, and that he knows Smiles is doing everything he can. This is supposed to be a very sweet moment between the two of them. Smiles closes the hatch to the outside and hits a hand hard against his own leg.

40:  Dr. B is troubled by Yancey’s unwillingness to take the only surviving, successful subject of their project in, but he says that it’s better to observe for now. After all, the other living subject from 7 years ago is out living his life. Dr. B tells him that was a mistake and that he should have been terminated. They argue about this in Dr. B’s laboratory. She is worried about her daughter’s connection to the subject. Data has been submitted to Silas. Yancey says that information should have been kept private, but Dr. B keeps nothing from Silas. 

41:  Kassidy realizes that there is nothing for her at home and she has nothing to lose. Kassidy is hungry, so hungry. She goes outside at night and wanders around, wondering if she has lost her mind. She comes across one of the slime creatures and kills it easily with blood magic. Hunger overcomes Kassidy. She ravenously eats the gelatinous body of the creature, and for a while her hunger is sated, but she is horrified by her own behavior. This is usually that moment where someone thinks about how they need help, but Kassidy knows at this point there is nobody who can help her. She just kind of sits there, disgusting, black slime all over her face and hands. Kassidy thinks about calling her mom. There is only one person she knows who knows about this and she calls him. Cihad picks up. Kassidy is like, I’m sorry, I know you hate me, but I don’t know who else can help me. Eternal savior complex guy that he is, Cihad gives Kassidy his address and tells her to come to his house. She rides the subway, thinking about how she is going to probably die soon and wonders if she is OK with that. She arrives at Cihad’s house. It seems so nice and normal. Cihad tells her that she is slowly killing herself, that most people’s bodies cannot handle blood magic. Kassidy says she feels like it’s something more than that. She can feel the BOOK nearby. She asks him where he got it and Cihad carefully says that he has always had it. She’s like, you’re from the town from up North that was destroyed, aren’t you. He says he is. He says that she has to stop using blood magic and tells her that 2 years ago, he watched someone he cared about a lot die a slow, painful death because of this same thing. Kassidy tells him that it isn’t that simple. Deep conversation. Cihad is very different when he is out of boss mode. Then, a child who is presumably Cihad’s/Tony’s daughter and….something….come into the living room. The thing is one of the horrible slime aliens, and it can fucking talk in a human voice and calls Cihad ‘dad’. Kassidy reacts in horror, realizing that Cihad is up to some really dark shit, worse than anything she can imagine, if he is treating one of those things, the same kind of thing that tormented Esther for years, as his child. She’s like, you’re a cultist, you came from that place and infiltrated Eden and brought the BOOK here, you’re evil, this is all your fault, you did this to me, blah blah blah. Cihad, with his terrible red eyes, comforting the little disgusting slime alien that is scared of Kassidy, says “Don’t go. Please. I want to help you.” And Kassidy says “I don’t want your help” and stumbling, runs out.

42: The gang realizes that they are in trouble after Tabby discovers hidden cameras in their home-- this has to do with the Rosaline plot. We really see that Rosie is dealing with her monstrous new nature much better than Kassidy/we see the parallel. Esther receives a summons from the court because her mom is trying to get her committed (Dr. Bellamy trying to control her daughter but in her own way, trying to protect her bc she is aware that danger that is about to come down bc she works with Yancey). Esther is like no no no, I’m not going back to the hospital, there’s nothing wrong with me. Rosie has also received a summons.. Kassidy is the first one to suggest they leave Eden— she feels no connection anyways and wants to see the Lost Colony and CT’s town/the black pyramid. They discuss Marty’s vision of seeing them with him in his Colony. Discussion of pros and cons of leaving that somehow ends up with the majority saying they want to go. Some people (Ayda, Tabby) take more convincing than others. Tabby wants more money and Casey promises her a crazy amount of cash when they get back, she promises Tabby anything she wants. Some (Tony especially lol) want to get far, far away. The saddest thing is that we see that Marty is very excited at the prospect, even though his friends are in danger, and we see how desperately he wants to have real human contact and connection.

43: Preparing to leave Eden. Asking West for one of his trucks. We find out that West has been in contact with people in the North, bypassing Eden’s restrictions with the help of his technopath Percy. West has a lot of foster kids and says some bullshit about wanting to keep them safe from something. Kassidy finds West sinister. She overhears him asking Casey what’s wrong with her/asking her if she’s sick and Casey says something hurtful about Kassidy just looking like that/being ugly (OW but Casey is not tactful and not the best liar). Kassidy doesn’t know why she feels hurt by this, she has always...accepted that she will never be pretty (ow this hurts I feel it). Kassidy goes into the fancy bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror, at how dull her skin has become, the dark circles under her eyes, the weight she has lost, her teeth turning gray and brittle. She looks ugly now. But she thinks, maybe, she hadn’t been so ugly before, even though she had felt that way about herself. Kassidy scrubs at her face. She looks in the mirror. She sees a flash of...of something else. A flash of the planet eating unholy thing that for a long time, she has suspected has been living inside of her body. She recoils in disgust, but what is she supposed to do? She leaves the bathroom to go sit with Esther and Rosie. She asks Rosie how she’s doing, with the whole...being a monster thing. Rosie says that she isn’t a monster and that nothing could make her act in ways that go against her values, no matter what her body has become, no matter what anyone has done to her. It’s frustrating to hear that, because Kassidy feels helpless. She gets up and wanders around, feeling the urge to use blood magic but having to reason to do so. She thinks about the Lost Colony. Are they really doing this? Some of her friends have no skin in this game, and she wonders why they would even decide to put themselves in danger. The Lost Colony. The Lost Colony. Bodies, being in the wrong bodies. Kassidy feels like there is something so wrong with her body. 

44: Preparing to leave Eden. Gathering belongings, making calls. The only one who has nobody to call is Kassidy. She wonders if she cares.

45: The gang packs up and gets into one of West’s trucks. Most of them hide in the back. This should be normal, after all, AGA ships things to the neighboring Colonies of Green River and Serenity all the time. Tabby and Casey in the front, everyone else in the back. Kassidy can feel the thing inside of her grow excited, like it wants to leave Eden. She starts getting sick, leaking black goo from her mouth and ears. They arrive at Eden’s entrance and there is a checkpoint. Secret police. They start asking Tabby questions, Tabby says that they can look at the schedule and that it says that they have prior permission for this shipment. Ayda and Tony start panicking because they can psychically feel that it’s over and they know what’s up. Smiles tells them that there’s a new law and that there are to be no more shipments to or from Eden. He tells them that he knows there are people in the back of the truck and tells them that they’re all under arrest for human trafficking and orders them all out of the truck. They all get out, line up. Vague menacing energy from the Death Squad psychos. Everyone is terrified that they’re about to get shot in the street, especially Kassidy, who has a horrible fear of these people. Scary moment where one of them is like  “Hey, aren’t these those people we were running ops on the other day???” One of them (it’s Nickels lol what a bitch) starts to harass Kassidy, saying that she looks sick and saying that she’s a blood magic user aka shoot on sight, and starts to get rough with Kassidy. Casey is the first one to go ballistic and attack (Casey vs Nickels and Pete, Esther vs Smiles, Rosie vs JVP). Tony pulls Kassidy back into the truck with Ayda, Marty gets into the system to try and force the gates open idk anything about technology I will figure out how later.. Kassidy uses blood magic to incapacitate Pete (because we literally can’t have someone who can incinerate everyone in this fight lol) and this seems to piss the rest of them off. Nickels freaks out when Pete goes down and starts trying to get to Ayda’s mind to put her down. Gate starts to open. Rosaline transforms and beats the shit out of JVP and his helmet gets knocked off and she realizes that this is a 15/16 year old child and is like UH GUYS…right before he brutally stabs her and uses his Artificial strength to put her down but she’s gonna be OK don’t worry. Cihad shows up huffing and puffing in his scrubs and crocs out of nowhere, yelling at Smiles and co to stand down and is like WAIT STOP STOP, and this throws them off a little bit. Smiles crushes Esther’s arm in a bubble after she shocks him. Gate opens more, everyone gets in the truck and Tabby starts to floor it. Cihad starts using blood magic to pull them back. Tony is losing his fucking mind, like we have to get out, we have to go, we have to go! They really are all gonna die. This is scary. Smiles looks at Kassidy and freezes. Kassidy uses her last ounce of strength to lash out with blood magic against Cihad and his hold on the truck is broken. We see in his face that he knows that the Entity is living inside of her body (THIS IS THE REAL REASON HE WAS TRYING TO KEEP THEM FROM LEAVING). Kassidy passes out and stops breathing, her heart stops beating,  and Casey gives her CPR to save her life and ends up snapping her few ribs

46: Smiles is taken to a room and is interviewed by Silas about how he fucked up and how he failed and how he is stupid and how he sucks. Getting shocked has jarred something loose in his mind, not a memory, but a clarity about a piece of himself that he has protected for all these years-- his sense of self is conflicted. Smiles is thinking oh boy, this is it, she’s about to tell me I’m getting Retired. But nobody ever gets a warning for that. He straight up asks Silas if this is it, if this is the end. Silas tells him no, no, she needs him. Smiles is like…. Sometimes I wish you would just kill me….because at the end of the day, he would rather be the first one to die on his team. And Silas tells him to get out. Smiles returns to his dorm, and it’s clear that his team all thought they were never going to see him again. Heartwarming reactions from Nickels and JVP to show how much they truly love and were worried about Smiles. Pete isn’t disappointed but she had been amping herself up to be team leader lol. She bursts into tears when she sees that he is OK. Smiles thinks about the outside world and thinks about the people who just got out of Eden. He remembers the things that have been done to him. He remembers the things that have been done to his little family. He tells them all that he isn’t going to let them die here. He can’t lose them. The ID of the woman Kassidy Nguyen is still hidden in his room. He looks at it and to his horror, he feels some kind of familiarity and believes that he must have known her before joining the program. He tosses the ID to Pete and asks her to burn it. Pete does so. 

47: Some random loser journalist named Lee Harlan is bored and depressed and his life sucks. He has chronic horrific migraines and scars at his hairline. He thinks about different stories he could write and really doesn’t have much inspiration. Just a normal guy. Then he goes to sleep and goes into a VOID hallucination where he is tormented by a version of a 13 year old Marty who he beats to death with a rock, he just starts bashing him over and over while Not-Marty calls him a pervert and a creep and he says that he is not. Not-Marty reminds him that it is his fault that Kip Nguyen is dead. He ‘wakes up’ but he is still in the Void. He can’t get out. It’s like this every time he goes to sleep. He wakes up for real and tries to kill himself by slitting his wrists. It doesn’t work. It never works, he always just heals. Pain and guilt. Nothing matters. There is nothing that matters. Lee turns on the news and sees that a bunch of people were shot for trying to get out of Eden. He sees their faces on the news as Police Commissioner Dana Nguyen talks about the incident in a way that is very broken lol. He knows this isn’t real. Lee does some bullshit smart person internet thing that I will think up later because I am stupid and he finds traces of Marty. And suddenly….Lee does not want to die any more.

48: The gang rides down the road in the truck together, shaken by what has happened. There is a 10 hour trip in front of them and none of them have been outside of Eden, this is exhilarating and terrifying. Kassidy is barely conscious and in pain. Technically she just died, her heart had stopped beating, only brought back by the simultaneously violent and loving act of CPR. She is slipping away and nobody is noticing. She is gently held by Tony. She has memories of Cathy, a person she never met, because the Book has memories of Cathy. Kassidy realizes that they have made a mistake by leaving Eden, this is what the thing inside of her wants, it wants to get out. It wants to go back to the Lost Colony and has been making her interested in that place the whole time. She tries to say this but is unable to. Kassidy fully slips away. The Book is in control now. It sits up, despite the injuries in its body and the harm it is doing to Kassidy. IT TAKES OFF KIP’S JACKET. It tells Tony that it is hungry and asks him if he has anything to eat. And from far, far away, Kassidy sees Tony realize that it is fully in control.

[ericspinkhair]

guys my age don’t know how to love me good

pairing: dom!juyeon x noona!reader

synopsis: lee juyeon is the only guy who makes sex worth it

word count: 3.1k

warnings: noona kink, mentions of toxic and abusive sex, deep throating, no mentions of protection (wrap it before you tap it), inexperienced/unsure reader

a/n: this is for @rolezeure + anon

requests are open!!

masterlist + requests

'y/n, I swear to god if you won't come to this party with me I will actually never talk to you ever again. you know what this is?' your best friend siyeon dramatically held up a pair of scissors. 'scissors, to cut our friendship.'

'but what am I supposed to even do there?' you scoffed. parties were stupid 'I don't know how to talk to people.'

'you don't need to talk, dumbass. you get drunk, grind on some hot dude and get laid.' siyeon rolled her eyes as she was so done with you.

'as if that is supposed to convince me to go. sex is completely overraded, my dude. it just hurts and the guys don't even care. as long as they get off on you it's fine.' you had not have had any positive experiences with sex. it usually hurt, the guys were rough and didn't really care if you were crying. there wasn't any pleasure you associated with it.

'that's cause you've been with only toxic men. but please, come with me! it's way too awkward to go alone and I need a hype woman. Sangyeon will be there. I cannot miss the opportunity to get with mr. dilf. have you seen him? he is sooo hot, y/n. I might never have another opportunity like this. and I need a lot of alcohol in my system first before I can initiate something,' she whined. she gave you the best puppy eyes she could to make you give in.

you knew your friend had been eyeing sangyeon for weeks. siyeon had tripped the first time she saw him and had to wipe away the drool from her chin. she then memorized his schedule and you would always have to watch him from afar. however, she could not utter a single comprehensible sentence without alcohol if she was nervous but when she was drunk she was the most sociable and flirty person and always got with whom she wanted.

sangyeon was usually never to be found at parties but this particular one was for his friend's birthday so siyeon knew he would show up. who knows if she would ever see him again, after all, he had just graduated from college and would be leaving campus. this was her last opportunity. you sighed.

'fine,' you finally gave in. she squealed and hugged you so tightly that you had trouble breathing.

'omg, I love you so much, y/n! you're a lifesaver. I owe you big big time.'

'you certainly do.'

you tried to convince yourself that maybe a party was just what you needed. finals were finally over and you were on your well deserved break before you started your last year of college.

a week later, the two of you took a cab to the party location. you arrived at a huge mansion that must have cost a huge ton of money. it felt like thousands of people were there, getting drunk and going skinny dipping in the gigantic pool. you recognized some of the people. you didn't really know them but you often saw them walk around on campus.

when you entered the house some dudes whistled at you. ew. you definitely had to get a drink to be able to stand all these gross men lurking around here. at least you had your pepper spray with you. better safe than sorry.

siyeon and you found the bar and immediately downed a couple of shots. the alcohol burned in your throat as you drank one after the other. your friend needed the effects alcohol brings with it quickly.

'have you found him already?' you scream over the music at siyeon.

'no, he's nowhere to be seen… maybe he's not here at all' she was pouting.

I grabbed her by the arm. 'come on. let's go search for him somewhere else. hmm, maybe he's outside?' you dragged her through the mass of people. she was gonna get laid tonight, you were gonna make sure of it.

the backyard was just as crowded but at least you got some fresh air. a lot of people were grinding on each and making out in the pool and hot tub.

'oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. he's there!' siyeon whisper shouted at you.

'where?' you couldn't find him in the crowd.

'over there next to the huge ass plant. he's standing next to jacob.' ah, you saw him. him and jacob were engaged in a deep conversation and occasionally sipped on their drinks.

siyeon just grabbed a drink out of a passing person's hand, ignore the complains and drank it all in one go.

'I need more.' so you went to get more alcohol before you could convince her that now was the time.

'how do I look? is my makeup smudged? do I look enough like 'daddy, I've been a good girl. pls choke me?' she kept on trying to flatten her hair hastily.

'you look absolutely gorgeous, girl. go get him, tiger.' she did look stunning. the red lipstick matched with her bold red dress. it was short and showed a lot of cleavage. her beautiful curves were perfectly highlighted and if sangyeon didn't drool over her then you would seriously have to buy him new eyes.

you high-fived each other and then she went to go on her mission.

you watched how he scanned her up and down, taking in her beauty, when she approached him and then smiled brightly. she touched his muscular arms as he said something that made her laugh. he seemed to be enjoying her company jacob, who had understood what was going on, had joined his other friends kevin and eric on the dance floor inside.

'who are we spying on?' someone whispered in your ear, making you jump and almost spill your drink. rude.

'oh, seeing if my best friend's gonna get laid tonight like she'd hoped to. seems positive so far.' the guy who had come up to you nodded interested. you had no idea who he was but you didn't exactly mind his company. he was a handsome fellow, with a face sculpted by the gods. his dark blue hair made him stand out even more.

'so what are you gonna do if she leaves with him? are you just going to leave?' he asked.

you shrugged your shoulders. 'probably. she's the only reason I came to this god awful party.'

'oh, you don't like it?' he raised his eyebrows.

'no, it's too full, it's too loud and I'm bored. who even is this guy who threw this party. I actually have no idea who he is,' you complained about everything. he seemed to become more amused as you went on.

'then allow me to introduce myself. hey, my name is juyeon.' he held out his hand.

'what does that have to do with- oh my god this is YOUR party!' you realized in shock. your face was burning with embarrassment. but he didn't seem to mind at all and just laughed light heartedly.

'yeah, I'm sorry you don't like it. if you like I could take you somewhere quieter with less people.' oh dude, he was flirting. why? you did look hot as fuck in your short black dress but you had literally just insulted his party.

'I'm sorry I'm not really up for sex or whatever it is you're offering.' you scratched your neck awkwardly. you wouldn't mind if he visited you in your dreams sometimes tho to have a good time.

'that's too bad. I was hoping I could make you feel good.' he brushed a finger over your cheek.

'I doubt you could. no one ever has.' he snorted at that.

'how old even are you?' you asked him.

'19, you don't have to worry. I'm a legal adult. you?' 'almost 21.'

'ooh, that's fun! are you sure you don't want to spend some private time with me, noona?' that was fucking unfair. he was using this noona thing to get you to give in. he knew exactly what he was doing and you could feel yourself getting aroused.

'I just don't think sex is right for me. it just hurts and doesn't do anything to make me feel good,' you explained to him.

'seems like you've only been with douchebags. I have a 100% rate of making women come. you should try and see for yourself, noona.' his lustful gaze stared deep into your soul, making your legs wobbly.

it seemed so tempting. he was super hot and couldn't help but notice the outline of his abs on his shirt. the alcohol was also encouraging you to make some bad decisions and step out of your comfort zone. this man somehow made you super horny with his toned body and god like face, whether you liked it or not. you caught yourself seriously considering going with him.

'here's a proposal. I give you head and if you're not satisfied with my services we can just stop there.' he leaned down and whispered in my ear. 'I would love to hear you scream my name, noona.'

his offer actually didn't sound too bad. juyeon might just be more skilled than the rest of the men you had slept with, who knew. you didn't have anything better to do anyways so you might as well see if he can make you feel good.

'where do we go?' you finally asked after staying silent to keep a suspenseful silence. his eyes lit up and he grabbed your hand. he led you back inside, up the stairs and into the room on the far right.

you could see posters of football player, trophies and pictures. this was obviously his room.

you didn't have much time to look around as he locked the door and kissed you

you were surprised by just how not slimy it was. usually, the guys would always try to wet your whole face and you had to wipe your mouth every other second.

but he started off soft and placed his hands on your hips. you put your arms around his neck to get closer to him and deepen the kiss.

his hands started roaming your body and when he squeezed your ass, you let out a moan. juyeon took this opportunity to slip his tongue inside your open mouth.

the kissing made you dizzy and you desperately tugged at him to get him closer to you. he picked you up and held you up against the wall. you let your hands wander under his shirt and started tracing his abs while grinding your core against him. you could feel his dick harden with your movements.

juyeon carried you to the bed and slowly let you down so you laid on your back. while he quickly took off his shirt you tried to catch your breath after the intense make out. you didn't have long to admire his muscular upper body before he lifted the dress so you were only there in your underwear.

he startes placing open mouth kiss from your collar bones, to your boobs, to your stomach until he reached the hem of your panties. he made sure to keep eye contact as he put the fabric between his teeth and slowly pulled them down like this. you felt cold air hitting your core.

'so pretty, noona,' he admired your clearly dripping pussy. he dragged one finger over your lips to see just how wet you were.

'I haven't even touched you yet but you are already so wet for me. I told you I'd make you feel good. I'll show you just how much, noona.' and with that he dove right in between your lips to prove his point. the feeling of his tongue fucking you was unfamiliar. no guy had ever even cared to get you wet and pleasure you before actually having sex.

Juyeon was desperately devouring your juices as if he hadn't drunk for ages. additionally he started massaging your clit with his thumb, knowing exactly what a woman likes. he had to hold down your hips to keep you stable because you were trying to buck up into his face as it felt so good. every time his nose came into contact with your clit while licking you felt like you were losing control.

involuntary moans were spilling out of your mouth and you could feel juyeon smirking against your core.

suddenly, he slipped a finger inside you and started slowly pumping it in and out of you. it felt a bit uncomfortable at first but you got used to it quite quickly and when he noticed, he slipped a second finger inside. damn, those were some long ass fingers.

your pussy made squelching sounds which you couldn't care less about in the moment as he rapidly fucked you with his long digits. you were pulling at his hair as he took your bud between his teeth, alternating between softly biting and sucking on it.

you suddenly couldn't take it anymore and your orgasm washed over your body like a wave and juyeon slowly continued until you had fully come down from your high.

he sat up straight again. 'I promised I could make you feel good, didn't I? god, you look so hot when you come, noona.' fuck, where did he learn to do all this? maybe he was right after all.

you noticed that his nose was coated in your juices but he didn't seem to care at all. 'do you want to continue?'

'only if you can make me come again,' you challenged him.

he scoffed. 'that's not even a question, noona.'

he quickly unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants. the shape of his bulge was clearly visible through his underwear. you reached inside and whipped out his already hard dick. you gulped.

'it's so big,' you whispered afraid. he was bigger than the other guys you had slept with and if they had already hurt you then his cock would probably hurt even worse.

he stroked your hair out of your face. 'don't worry. I've already prepared well so you should be able to take it without a problem. I'll make sure to go slow to not hurt you, okay?' you needed to trust him. it seemed like he actually knew what he was doing.

you gave his dick a couple of strokes to see how he reacted before you wrapped your lips around his leaking tip. seeing juyeon throw his head back gave you the encouragement you desperately needed to go forward.

you took him all the way until you started gagging. this was something you were good at. you started deep throating him and he moaned out your name.

'fuck, noona. you are so good with my cock.' he brushed your hair to the side so you it wouldn't be in the way when you sucked him off.

you noticed that he tried to control himself but couldn't refrain himself from bucking up his hips a few times, making you gag.

he then stopped you. 'I can't come yet. I need to show you how proper sex is done first.'

you laid down on your back and he positioned himself between your legs. he pressed your arms down next to your head and intertwined his fingers with yours.

'are you ready?' you gave him a nod.

'just squeeze my hand if it hurts.'

he slowly pushed his tip inside. you shut your eyes tightly and juyeon stopped to give you time.

'no, no. go all the way in first,' you whined.

his dick filled your walls up to the brim. you tried to calm down your heavy breathing. you squeezed his hands in pain and he held still. juyeon placed a kiss on your mouth.

'you're doing so well, noona.', he praised you. 'just tell me when you feel ready to go.'

it did hurt but not quite as much as the other times. and no one had ever waited for you to actually adjust before beginning to pound into you.

juyeon distracted you with kisses and as you started getting more comfortable you slowly started moving your hips against him. you gave him a slight nod to tell him he could continue.

he still started off with a moderate tempo and you needed more.

'faster!' you urged him and he picked up the pace. the way he snapped his hips made you see stars.

the pain was now completely gone and you were lost in your own pleasure.

when he started  thrusting into you from behind, he hit spots inside you you had never felt before. the new position allowed him to go even deeper and faster than before.

you moaned surprised as he spanked you.

'you like this, noona?' you could only groan out his name to show him how you felt.

the knot in your stomach became tighter and tighter.

'I think I'm coming!' you manage to get out.

'come for me, noona!' with that he went into overdrive and fucked into you like a machine.

your arms gave in as your walls clenched around his huge cock tightly and you came hard while screaming his name.

he rode out your orgasm and then pulled out. he stroke his dick fast and shot his big load on your butt and back.

he lay down next to you exhausted. his fingers wiped away the tears of pleasure you didn't know you had cried.

'did I make you feel good, noona?' 'more than just good,' you admitted satisfied.

'I guess guys my age just don't know how to treat me.' he hummed in agreement.

'that makes no sense. you are absolutely gorgeous. they missed out on the opportunity to see your beautiful face when you come.' this was weird. he was still nice to you even after he already came. what was this?

'thank you for making my birthday wish come true,' he said. 'huh, what do you mean?' you questioned him.

'actually, I've noticed you on campus before but I was always too shy to talk to you.' 'oh really?' you laughed sceptically.

'yeah, I wanted to ask you on a date first but it seems like we skipped a couple of steps.' he was blushing. gosh, he was kind of adorable.

'I mean we could still go on those dates if you'd like, birthday boy.' strangely enough you felt like you could trust him and kind of wanted to get to know juyeon as a person.

'awesome,' he smiled at you before he pecked your lips and went to clean you both up.

you had completely forgotten about siyeon. hopefully, her night had been just as satisfying as yours had been.

[strawberry-nugget]

Stargazing [through the five stages of grief] | K. Bakugo

★Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki/ reader

☆Synopsis: after Izukus sudden death you and Bakugo find comfort in each other

★Warnings:18+, minors do not interact, sexual themes(SMUT), aged up characters, grieving and coping mechanisms, depression as part of a stage of grief, language

☆A/N: I wrote this for @starstruckkittensweets​ 's  Summer Romance Collab collab I also cried multiple times while writing this for so many reasons. Dedicated to my friend @aichiin in hopes this is any comforting to her <3

★Word Count: 10.6K

i. denial | 3.28 am Just when you think silence is going to engulf you in lethal restraints, he's got you. Held and embraced, away from all the evil in the world, pouring a fountain of tears in the burgundy of his tank top. The beauty of the seashore is unmatched at this time of the year -end of July- honey colored sand spreading to as far as your eye can see, lining the white foams of the water perfectly. It shines under the moonlight beautifully golden, as if Midas' touch has grazed each and every speck of sand; it's almost a pity to watch some weather away in the soft evening breeze. Not many stars are visible with how bright the moon is and you simply can't stop thinking about it, the numbness in your heart as you're trying to spot the only few constellations that you know, but even them seem unable to shine brighter than the light of the moon. But he- he shoots a hand to the sky with one eye closed as he mutters something under his breath. It makes your heart pause. You don't catch it though -whatever it is he said- ears deaf to the feeling of being pressed too tightly into his broad chest -to an asphyxiating point, even- but you catch your heart fluttering again for the first time in weeks. A good sign, you guess, the little excitement that you feel can overthrow the buzzing void in your heart, or your head. "That's the Hercules one right? You've been trying to find it for years huh?" You feel the humming in his own hollow chest more than you hear the soft muttering that leaves his lips. This heat he usually emits is probably gone by now, from how tight he's holding you and you're not entirely sure why he's putting on that show for you. The soft pretending of searching for the stars when he won't let your face turn to the direction of the sky, or why he just so effortlessly knows all the constellations you've been trying to find. Under any other case you'd call him a show off, a self contrasting asshole and his sloppy hold around your chin and neck proves that you've never been this close, as expected. He doesn't know what you like or how you'd rather be held, or even, how anyone would like to be held and you don't know anything about how to handle someone like him but social expectations don't matter when comfort is needed, or whatever Mina and Ochako said. The air smells like salt and seaweed, musty and a bit heavy, but refreshing at the same time. As refreshing as hot July air could ever be yet you still find the breeze chilly, so you coo into chest even more, throwing a leg over his thighs, and flexing your palm on his ribs. In response he soothes his hand down your shoulder, trying to create some much needed friction for you. "You can drop the act now" You mutter, rubbing your cheek comfortably onto the soft cotton of his tank top

"What act?" "Trying to comfort me, trying to use me to comfort yourself" There's hurt in the way you talk, and it jabs his heart peculiarly, making him push you off his chest just one but so he can meet your gaze. When he does, you realise you've never been met with such a serious look, and your mind vibrates in what your own confrontation towards him should be. "I mean, why be comforted? We're strong. We're heroes, we-" He shushes you, with a gaze and a snake-like lisp sound that rattles out of his teeth. "What's insufferable for me, I'm guessing, is even worse for you" He clears his throat just when his voice gets a bit raspy from laying on his back "and I'm a hero, it's what I should do. He would have wanted this as well you kno-" "He would have wanted you to be yourself not try to become him" You nuzzle your nose deeper into his chest, avoiding his eyes and the prying stars that decorate the sky above, feeling watched, betrayed by how they're able to shine so brightly despite the loss you're feeling. But then again, why wouldn't they shine? Isn't life just supposed to move on even after a loved one isn't with you anymore? Stars aren't supposed to go out, to become more or less as time goes by, they've seen distraction and glory and fall -it's only you who finds

it cruel that they can still shine in times like this. "He would have wanted me to be better. It pains me more than you to admit" Katsuki has never shown such an appreciating side of himself when it comes to your late friend. Or he has and you've just not been there to witness. Or, perhaps, you've chosen to turn a blind eye to anything that's ever brought them close because you weren't the most fond of him since childhood. Yet, a feeling inside your chest commands you to oppose him and his word. Even by the comfort of his own chest. There's no denying that you've wanted to hate the one who's nothing but comforting you, but you find yourself stuck between grief and a burning heart. It leaves you numb, maybe, to think that he so graciously holds you as if nothing else in the world matters. When this shouldn't be the case. "Why, why does this have to happen to us? We're supposed to save people, losing people is-" "The biggest part of the job" He finished your words for you, strobing that little rattle of reluctance he senses in your voice "We didn't-" "Sign up for this?" You nod at his inquiry "in a way I think we did. He always pushed himself and if you say you never saw it coming, you're lying" "I didn't" "There you go" "No, no" You shake your head "he was strong. This shouldn't have happened, it's unfair and it's-" "It fucking damn is unfair but there's no rematch for him. I wholeheartedly agree, it shouldn't have been like this. We shouldn't be here, days after his damn birthday, hollow and mourning. He should have been here, we should be celebrating" He's not going to call him an idiot. Not anymore. Not even because he's hurt you or anyone as a matter of fact, but because he's come to respect his dead, he's come to lose the attitude when it comes to seeking help, or giving it. It's something Izuku has taught him, a strong moral that no longer rests in the back of his head as a possible value to characterise a hero. It's rather a reality, such a strong wave of consciousness and coinsense that washes through his body all the time. You think, qualities of Izuku, wash through your soul in waves too. "But suggestion is oceans away from reality" Katsuki whispers and just then, the tender touch of his fingers lingers in between your locks. Only for a split second, and for the sole reason of flicking some hair on top of your ear, to shield it from the chill of the air. You're not certain if you act on your grief's accord or not when you grab onto his wrist to prolong the soft petting of his hand on your head. But he complies with you wordlessly, sighing out a heavy bubble of air off his lungs. "That's not the hercules one" You whisper "Huh?" "The constellation" It's oddly satisfying how you coo deeper into his chest, even if you can't see him pop one eye open to peak at the sky "that's Ursa Major" "Like fuck it is Ursa Major" "Katsuki, is this your first time stargazing?" You ask quietly and he wraps a hand around your waist to drag you a little closer towards his chin. When he does, he rests his chin onto your hairline. "I can't believe I opened a goddamn map for this and couldn't even distinguish the hercules one from the Big Dipper" You hammer out a little giggle. It sounds mechanical but still, he mimics you, and you can not only feel the vibrations in his chest, but the movements of his chin too, as he mellowy rubs his soft skin on your hair, soothing his lips on your head from time to time. The breaths he lets out of his nose are silent, yet you feel them calming you down, so warm and so calming against you. "The Hercules is a big constellation but it's not bright at all, you have to catch it on a moonless night and it's usually gone too early" Katsuki sighs. The process of taking in your words in analogy with late Izuku is too strong and it's too early for him to touch a subject that even so reminds him of the situation. It's more than enough that you two got to talk about it tonight, or rather, about your feelings, but at one point the line is drawn on what's harmful to his soul. A sole mention of the condition of a constellation should be making his stomach churn, and it definitely shouldn't make him hug you tighter into him. For one, the phenomenon of the constellation's nature has been around for longer than he has been who he is, and will still be when he's not. This small coincidence, even if it rubs salt to the wound, is not the fault of a small mass of stars gathered together to form something human eyes can recognize as a kneeling figure. Izuku's life is probably just a parallel to the greek myth of hercules, or so, he likes to glorify, but when it comes to him, there's noass of stars for anyone to remember him by.

Izuku falls and dies so long as the memories of his friends live, finding shelter behind a myth, a legend, a course change in the history of humankind that lead to this specific moment. Him, mourning with you, on the beach that Izuku cleaned years ago, feeling his heart ache in sync with yours. And maybe, maybe if- "If I close my eyes and fall asleep, will I wake up and realise that this is all a bad dream?" You ask as if you don't know what the answer is going to be and he tries to not indulge in feeding you a void of hopes just to make you feel a bit more sure of your future, or try to convince himself he'll have a good one too. He wants to reply positively, just as much as he wants to wake up too in a reality where Izuku is still alive, and he's got to say everything he's ever wanted. He knows, some nights he'll find himself thinking he would like to go back and change the course of his own history, whatsoever, to never hurt Izuku for naturally having qualities he had to work for, or change the fact that he's been harsh and cruel. The 'why us' inquiry that arises in his chest as he's stroking the slightly greasy hair on your scalp is what's left to bounce in his head for now, eating away every curly corner of his brain, turning any other thought into a wasteland, yet, still his answer to you is what he would rather not hear, bathed in a cruel nature he's tried so hard to lose from his persona. "I wish it were just one bad dream" There's so many questions in his head; are you asleep? Or will he hurt you by trying to force himself into accepting Izuku's death? Are you prone to being hurt and pricked by how raspy and serious his voice sounds? Because you don't make a noise, nor a sniffle, and your hand isn't tightening around the collar of his shirt anymore. He wishes too, it's all a bad dream. For the lover that you lost, and for the person he's known better than anyone, the person that knew him better than anyone. But it's not. And the mellow sound of waves crashing on the shore bears a tune to convince him to forget, but the water won't reflect the stars he can see with his bare eyes. Thus he's asleep before the lurking darkness in sound and sight gets him too. Just for a while, just until it's his own turn to face oblivion. A small part of his brain, though, convinces him he'd face any oblivion so long as he gets to fall asleep in your arms like that, over the soft, warm sand, on a chilly July night. 

ii. anger | 9.47 pm If you could only know the reason you're yelling, tears wouldn't be spilling from the corners of your eyes, down your cheeks just to drown on your overly stretched mouth, wetting the lips that are stinging in splits and bruises of dehydration. He's not one to back down while facing the disdain of his own feelings. When that disdain should be directed on how petty the cause for your irritation is, you're both focused on the snap of nerves inside each of your heads, chests heaving as you're staring at each other dead in the eye; you, from the cold seat of your couch, Katsuki, from the numbing howling that seeps through the cracks of your front door. The bags in his hands are heavy with groceries and the weight of this peculiar, unspoken agreement to settle together. It's hidden in the affection behind every piece of vegetable and fruit in the tote bags. Even if the night is young, he's got a look in his eyes that mutters how

willing he actually is to grab a pot and a spoon and cook for the two of you. But you know- he shouldn't put pressure on himself after a late patrol for a chore you were supposed to fulfill. If only he wasn't on your ass about ordering take out. "You can't fucking order again." He speaks, grunting more so than accentuating the words as he probably should. But he's irritated you, so much that you've spent the last ten minutes yelling at each other while standing frozen in your places. Probably, a neighbor has heard and your mere response to the alarming social anxiety that arises from that fact is apathy. You're already directing a big amount of angry spouting at the blond, there's no such room to experience other feelings right now. "Fucking hell, Katsuki just stop! I don't fucking care if you think ordering isn't fucking good. I can't cook right now. I won't cook" You say in a higher pitch "and you won't cook either" When he opens his mouth to speak, you roll your eyes, away from him -you just know what he's going to say- though you instantly regret it. The sight of him frozen, with bags in his hands before your door is upsetting, and begs to stir up your mind in horrid imaginations of him throwing a tantrum at you and leaving you, of him never opening up his door to you ever again. Maybe, just maybe you should have thought this through better before yelling at him. "Fuck you" He says through greeted teeth and scrunched up nose huffs "fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck" He's not a punching bag, he's the only person who's here for you and your heart won't forgive you if you lose him. Your head turns or snaps to his direction, eyes too gooey to meet his gaze properly, but you still do look at him so desperately, you're sure your heart makes a ripping sound at its very seams. And that firm dedication of his to closing himself off is evident again; in that wet anger in the corner of his eyes, seeping like magma just at the tips but never falling down on his cheeks. In his pursed lower lip -and oh, will it be so infuriating to think, you don't wanna fight, you just want him to press those lips against your forehead and forget those arguments that always arise? As he's headed for the kitchen, step after step and upper lip overlapping the bottom one to hide his irritation, his eyes are averted from you and you chase after him with counted movements; a little limp to your left leg by sitting on it for a long time bubbling up inside your bones. Unwillingly, non-eagerly. Regret and remorse for yourself are feelings that rush through you, making your tongue run faster than your mouth, making your head dizzy with guilt and drowning you of a trillion of things you want to say to him. "Katsuki" You plead with half a breath, eyebrows forming an impossible frown above your eyes "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, i-" "Fucking save it. Order if you want, I don't care" "Katsuki-" He huffs air too harshly out of his scrunched up nostrils again and shuts his eyes closed, hands resting over the groceries as he's leaning over the kitchen table. Not once in the minute he's taking from himself does he spare you a glance, but you can rather listen to him mutter a soft 'be patient' under his own breath. To himself, you realise, but your heart's too heavy as you anxiously suck your upper lip inside your mouth, wondering -will an apology fix this? It may irritate him even more, and taking the risk is probably not worthy of him getting riled up, but you go for it nonetheless, hidden away behind the stall that separates the kitchen from the living room. Your little hiding spot for the moment, a place where you can safely hide behind as you choke on your own spit, trembling at the thought of any possible outcome of your next choice of words. "I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm snappy lately" He won't respond and you notice how he's counting his breathing with eyes still shut, though, ever so slightly; that's your sign to step back, give him space and time as you make your first step to the living room. Though small glimmers of regret

springle inside your heart, landing in small needle-like jabs on every stretchy wall of the overly sensitive organ, your brain begs to be the voice of common sense, just to push you to just give him space. But what if he doesn't want space. What if he wants to be held? Like you do. What if he doesn't want to fight? "I'm sorry" You mutter under your breath, again Your step is almost crippled as you try to approach him, lost and scared at the sight of him still struggling to compose himself still. The guilt in your gut is immense and spreading like a wildfire on rotten land, but you feel like, perhaps, you -and him consequently- soothe down when your hand touches his shoulder, or, when your forehead rests easy on the crook of his neck, just after you out your weight on your toes, You can't help but repeat your previous statement. "I'm sorry, talk to me, tell me if you're good or not" He grunts, letting out a short breath in the form of a sigh. 'I'm not', you translate and your chest tightens Your right hand comes to curl around his chest over his shoulder, your left, mechanically even, cripples around his waist enough so you can press his back into your chest. "Fuck i-" You don't make a move to shush him "I feel so bad, I just. What would he have to say about me if I left his girlfriend on her own, to eat crap everyday. That's not healthy for you. I shouldn't be fucking yelling. I shouldn't-" He's so out of breath, that you consider punching some air into his lungs, with the softest CPR to have ever been performed, but the thought leaves your head immediately, your heart drowning your stomach in guilt at the imagery of your lips on his. The snap to reality after that little moment is so intense, you don't know how you handle yourself and your heart. "I shouldn't be yelling" In all your years, you've never heard him be so sincere while being so furious. When it's true that he's nothing of getting into drama or anything of sort, Katsuki is always too prideful to admit when he's made a mistake. You figure, it's unfair to still judge him as if he's his UA self, or his middle school self even. He's a different person now, having lived through so many events that could crush even the most strong willed person -and that's what he gets from admiring All Might, you think- and all he's ever done is try to be here for you. Understanding each other in such difficult times is mandatory and compromise is a foundation that you both need to work on. You find yourself opening your mouth and shutting it again for several seconds as you're trying to voice it. The dry, chapped feeling of your lips colliding makes you want to shut your eyes and wordlessly communicate your thoughts to him, but it's impossible. For your quirk isn't transmitting your thoughts to others, nor is it keeping track of one's thoughts. Everything you do to comfort him, has to be done by yourself, strictly. "Katsuki, I don't want you to-" You nuzzle your face into his back in hopes that perhaps, it muffles the intensity of your speech "I don't want you to overwork yourself for me. Izuku-" His name is whispered like words of sin or ruthless statements of atrocities, when it shouldn't "-wouldn't let me do that to you." He doesn't talk, or sigh, or even place his hand on yours and a whole minute passes like that. Or two, or three, or an eternity. The clock is ticking so loud that it's unbearable, his heartbeat muffling your ears while his scent is musking your nose. It's a funny thing, that perhaps, everything feels so warm, so comforting like this, you'd like to keep hugging him, if he allows you too. For as long as this minute's eternity can last. "Don't leave me cause I'm angry and snappy" It's so barely audible that you think he's only trying to calm himself down again, but it strikes you like a swift slash of a sword to your chest to realize the weight of his words. You thought you were the only one feeling this way. 'Don't leave me'. As if- as if it's an option that's hunting the depths of his chest, or perhaps as if your situation isn't a granted part in your lives for a little over a month. You're not one to inquire of a person in panic why they said what they said or if there's a cryptic meaning behind his very words. Because, frankly, there isn't. He's pretty clear, even while being tenderly desperate about it. And oh, you feel your heart pull and pinch at the thought of it.

"I'm not leaving" "Good" When he turns to face you, he's gripping onto your palms like it's painted out to be for dear life, a plea to not let him go as he turns his body around; you feel as if he needs you, as if, you're necessary to comfort him as well. You're too far gone in the joy that gathers in your stomach to hear him utter the words "I'm not leaving either" but you find some meaning of this statement in his embrace, when he shoves you into his chest. There's a little awkward cripple to your gaze that causes you to steal a stare outside the window or, perhaps, it's something bigger, or even the drive in your heart to hope for something more as an outcome for this. In the worst case scenario, you're pleading for forgiveness, if, by any chance, Izuku is still out there and can witness this little happening. That's when you find it, and truly, you have to catch a second glance at it to feel certain about what you just saw. Subtle little shimmers of stars, painting a large part of the sky, patiently awaiting to be noticed, in agony and tiredness that only a hero could recognize. And if you're a hero, you can feel it too, the kneeling of the legs, the flexing of the arms -it's all there- drawn by little stars of other galaxies in front of your very eyes, after searching for them for years. That's perhaps what people mean when they say, happiness is found in small things. Katsuki's arms around you, his faint breathing grazing the skin of your nape tenderly as he's calming himself down is more than enough, but the sky tonight has managed to make a compromise for the two of you, shining the diamond colors of the hercules constellation to the two of you. It's a blink and you'll miss it, no reason to break away from his arms, so you coo into his mellowy neck, speaking against his skin. "I found it, the hercules constellation" "What? Where" He's not shook at all as he speaks, and it doesn't surprise you either; there's this dazzling tranquility in the air, so much for getting you to calm down after such rage, but you'll take it over anything else, anytime. When Katsuki seems to detach his resting lips from the crook of your neck, he lays the side of his face on the very spot, inquiring again about the location of the constellation. You're more than happy to provide him with an answer. He drags you to the balcony with slow steps, a million steps away from the lights of your apartment as it seems before snapping his head towards the sky, squinting his eyes to comb through any star he could probably set his gaze on. You help him find it, not because it's before his very eyes, but because something inside you is flickering to rush you. Hurry it up. Look at the pretty stars and embrace him again, because it feels good, and you don't mind that you get mad at yourself for thinking this way. You don't even want to question your morals as thoughts of holding his hand pass through your head. Maybe a finger or two tangled in his like messy strands of hair, too hard to detangle- maybe that'd be comforting. Perfect even. Despite your best efforts to tickle his pointer finger with yours shyly, you come to realise he won't respond -you better behave, or, you should have know, but the insecurities that make you question everything are as evident as they'll ever be- you wonder if you've made him uncomfortable. But he's wrapping an arm around your shoulders, by grabbing that hand you're using to guide his gaze across the constellation and this time you can't help, but tangle all of your fingers through his, like a hair clam, fitting so perfectly, your heart cracks even more than last time. "I can pop some rice in the rice cooker and you can buy some Teriyaki" He sighs, though not once does he pry his eyes away from the stars

And that's where you feel a weight lifting off your shoulders, only to drop to your stomach; it's not a half hearted compromise, rather, it's sincere, something so eerie and far away from the usual 'take it or leave it' Katsuki Bakugo, but… you'll take it. With a broken smile and a coo into his shoulder. You turn to look at the stars as well, and Katsuki cracks a small smile now that you can't see it, because compromising actually feels good, relieving or whatever. He doesn't want to think about whether, in any sense, he's on your mind or not, he'd rather show you a piece of his own mind, a crack opening to see inside his heart -it's almost too painful that he has to be the one to calm things down. He's never been one to do so, but standing on his feet right now is mandatory. For you, him, whatever the two of you have got going on, because if not, coping won't be effective. He likes to think, you have each other in this, and that's enough for him. To keep things peaceful he has to take an occasional step back, and if that's the price to pay, he guesses he will. Izuku may be gone, he may have turned the two of you into what seems an unfixable broken mess, but at least he's left you with each other. Perhaps, he'll once appear again, in the form of new love, or a smile on your face at the sight of an old childhood photo, and things will be fine again. If only he could have been kinder, or better, or not as competitive, he wouldn't be sorry or trying to fix his own self. For now though rice and teriyaki ought to be the only problems he wants to face.

iii. bargaining | 7.30pm "What if I could have prevented this?" His voice is anything but loud, his chest too hollow, bouncing the voice of his concern around the broadness of his muscles, just to graze into your ears in soft vibrations. The statement alone makes you perk up and swoon your face away from him, hands laid flat and firm against his petrocals as you're finally fixing him with a gaze. Saturdays always bite his ass and Sundays are ever so depressing. This weekend is no less easy for the two of you. Katsuki's barely able to slur words without hissing or cursing, seeing as his jaw is bandaged up by being sliced by a villain at work today, and you've both decided that it's best if he gets to have an early night. "You'll be fine by next week, I'll help you change your bandages" He shakes his head before he buries his face behind his palms, as if trying to hide his emotions from you; you give him the right, with a worried face to match the situation "Not that, shit- no 'm taking 'bout Izuku" Oh You can't really place yourself into why but you've been having the same thoughts as of late. It's only natural, you dare say, to convince yourself not to be persistent on guilt tripping that little mellow voice in your head that tried to tell you that everything's going to be fine in the end, but it's in vain- for every time this happens you have to find a new way to occupy yourself to shove the destructive thoughts away. It's probably not right in any sense, to prompt Katsuki to ignore the problem as well, but the thudding of your heart -always matched perfectly by the raindrops that hit on the roof of the house hard enough to make you feel oh so concerned- commands you to find a new coping mechanism to add to your little pile. "I- I just-" A look in his eyes and you're lost in a trance of whether you're going to break his heart by momentarily avoiding talking. It is more than enough to convince you to voice something, anything, but every word that sparks at the back of your brain is washed by astounding waves of anxiety that have your tongue swim in the sea of your mouth. You don't come up with anything to say for as long as a moment lasts. "It's like- I should have been there! I turned down that fucking call because I was sure he could do this on his own" "Katsu" "He fucking- I fucking- I-" "Hey, stop it-" You plea "It doesn't make it any different, I know that but-" He snaps

quicker than you can imagine, prospering away from another call of his name that slips from your lips. Irises turn away from you in wrinkly eyes, furrowed brows and pursed lips. His heart is palpitating so fast, his eyes flicker in what you can read is pain, maybe, you could take some blame to yourself. Not that you have any right trace if thought to come up with comfort, or rather, not like you have it in you to let Katsuki assign this all on himself. "I could-" You start, yet your mouth is dry "I could have been there as well-" It's such an awkward miniscule moment that you share but it's enough to make your heart feel like it's breaking in regret. You're only left to wonder if your friends are feeling that way too, about Izuku's call for reinforcements that Katsuki turned down, that none of them tended to on time. "Don't put this on you" Your stomach, unable to cooperate with any plea of yours to not drown in anxiety, stirs its contents to it's desire, making you sit up; Katsuki's embrace is too void for you right now, your chest is way too hollow for you to not feel alienated. It's in moments like these that you know trying to handle yourself or your life with each other is probably a mistake, a false emotional dependency that should not exist otherwise, and you always hope he gets to prove those intrusive thoughts of yours otherwise. You're taken aback when warm hands find their way around you; it's unexpected and you flinch, but you're soothed the moment your brain processes who it is that's hugging you, bringing you back to reality and breaking your short lived dissociation. He presses his ear onto the crook of your neck, this time, not hissing at the way his wounds ache as his skin tubs on yours. He notices that certain way your breathing's working and he sighs in relief, or sorrow, for he's too scared to ever speak of what's hiding in his chest, or what's adding to him feeling so twisted and evil. "Wanna go for a ride?" He says, unexpectedly, surprising even himself by how absurd it sounds "Where to?" "Niko" He purrs and you let out a giggle "That's too far silly" "I 'on know, heard it's pretty this time of the year" You finally turn around to him, only slightly so as to not disturb his embrace and ruffle a hand through his hair, and pause just before your lips find his forehead. Somewhere deep inside of you it hurts for this to feel so casual, a loving interaction with Katsuki of all people. It feels like some sick trick of betrayal but your eyes are burning onto his skin while your world moves in slow motion. A hand on his cheek isn't as harmful as the addition of another one, yet you still go for that choice, dry lips inevitably set onto pale pink skin, pressing a soft kiss of comfort. "We could go at that spot, near UA, we used to go there a lot when we were high schoolers" Katsuki's words are calm and collected, hidden between gritted teeth so he can appear like his chest is fuller than yours, but what you don't know is that his heart is trying to beat out of his chest, like it's the most secretive, harsh prison. He briefly wonders if by knowing so, you'll hurt as much as him. But your kiss on his forehead, the warm place in which he rests face against your chest it all points to you feeling the same- it's there and he can read every single sign, whether he wants to deny them or not. "Should I get dressed?" A grunt this prolonged means yes. And truth be told the set and scenery of this small driving outlet is almost idyllic; a silent car ride, tainted faces and the gloomy watery corners of one's eyes to match the pouring rain, the slow, mellow music matching in beats with the squeaky wipers. What a perfect, diligent harmony you've got. It feels like a cut to another scene in a slow paced movie. The time is still stuck at 8.15, signifying how it wasn't long ago that you were starting to drown in a pool of bargaining -and voicing it out loud- and a part of you is still sad for thinking that maybe, for Katsuki, you're a coping mechanism. A full rembrandt of what's left of

Izuku's that he doesn't want to give up. You keep wondering if that would be the case had he still been alive. Would he ever have such an attitude stored inside of him for you had you not been dating Izuku on what now counts as ancient history? He parks his car on a narrow little road that splits the woods in half and turns the engine off. Seeing that it's November already, you think about how this is a bad idea, you know how cold he gets, and he's not wearing any jacket but you keep it to yourself. Perhaps, had Izuku been here, he would have brought an extra jacket too. For now, it's foggy windows and died down warm breaths. Thus, with a quivering lip you settle lower into your seat and sigh. "I- I know you like stargazing" He coughs, vermillion eyes pacing back and forth between you and the rain that's clashing on the car's glass "and I got an app and a window on the roof of my car" "But it's raining" "Who caaaares!" He grunts when you pout and turns away from you, something that makes your stomach coil abrasively. You want him to look at you, you want him to- As ridiculous and bitter as it sounds, you're tired of asking yourself if any of this would be happening were Izuku still here. Because he's got a stupid little fucking app on his phone for you. Because you're dying to press your lips onto his skin again. Half an hour ago feels like an eternity has passed already. He cares about you enough to open the app -and switch the location of his phone on- and that's more than enough actually. You glue your eyes to the bright screen and follow it as it pops us with a dark window, asking for confirmation that it's authorized to use the camera of Katsuki's phone. A part of you sinks in the silent death of love at the thought that, yes, he downloaded this just for you. Joy in little things, you figure, is what keeps you grounded, it's what ultimately pushes you to rest your head on his shoulder as he lifts his phone up, facing it on the small opening on the roof of his car. "Can't see past all this water, dammit" "So?" You coo, and the previous small irritation in his voice dies down with a grunt that comes from the depths of his chest. "The app's fine. Feels just like stargazing." You've never done anything similar with Izuku. And there's not even a spec of comparison clouding over your head, despite the guilt that settles in your stomach once again. Looking up to Katsuki, you can see his jaw tensing in the slightest, most probably in pain -you wonder, does his wound still ooze- and you can't help but feel like your eyes are stinging. You sniffle nonetheless. And Katsuki retreats his shoulder, letting your head hang without support as he turns to you. "Maybe, even if we can't see them, they're still there and-" You purse your lips to the side of your cheek, thinking of a reply, anything to say to make his words seem like they've come out of his mouth. "You've turned into quite the poet lately, haven't you?" Your answer should be that no, he hasn't, he's just hurt and confused, numb and afraid, but in turn you're all those things as well, or so he speculates by looking in your eyes. Because he can read people, he can read you, and as much as this has been established, he can't find it in him to speak a word on it. Then again, what's the point in holding anything in if you're going to die one day? The life of a hero is expendable, he's got his rise and fall as number one set in stone, so why should he hold back? He can't bring Izuku back even if he wants to, and he can't possibly stop himself from feeling for you. He remembers finding salvation in holding Izuku down and apologizing. He now finds humility in words that are spoken from his mouth that slip past his consciousness. "I love you- Don't care if it's fucking raining or not- Fuck" There's no time for you to think of a response before he throws a fit; his phone is slammed on the backseat, rocketing to the floor, and the click of his door is heard before he steps out of the car and slams it shut. He's lucky- the rain covers most

of the scream that he let's out and fills the buzzing void in your chest, your head. He said the words first, and your head is pulling you instinctively to your right, just where he was a few moments ago, you want to see if he's facing you, you long to feel your eyes meet his. You manage to collect the only ever courage you have left and push the thought of Izuku away from your mind, click your door open and shoot out of the car. Just like him. Like you're his echo. "Don't say a fucking word" He dismisses your open mouth, as if he can hear your breath clearer than this deafening rain, but you're not having it. "But i- i" "Shut up, as if you know-" "But I feel the same way" You whisper "What" He yells, and you scream at him to get back in the car, so you can talk, clearer. Though when he does, he's burning his eyes on your lips, then your eyes, then he never makes any move towards you, as if everyone and anything is on you. But none of you takes the bigger leap towards each -justified, because there's trembling in your movements and hesitation in your heads. And then your lips meet his. Tenderly, painfully, religiously Your first kiss is cursed by numbing ache, but it feels so right, like the warmest summer evening, or the most hazing bonfire during a cold winter night. Regret can't eat you alive for that one. And Katsuki, even with his lips still pressed against yours knows he will think about this kiss as a sin and a betrayal for far too long, he knows it'll torment him through the darkness of whatever tonight could mean. If only he gets through this night, he'll be fine Tomorrow you'll wake him up with a soft "how'd you sleep'' again and he'll be fine. The void and guilt inside his chest will get filled up with the warmness of being embraced first thing in the morning. Perhaps in time he'll convince himself that Izuku would never mind what's going on between the two of you, if you're meant to be endgame.

iv. depression | 12.07 am

Soft bubbles that smell like carnation and the auburn flicker of the fire that shines on top of a plethora of candles set the atmosphere for this evening. The lack of bright light -being that the whole city has been in a black out for several hours- is gentle to yours and Katsuki's eyes. What should have been matched with some of the artificial warmth the heater next to the bathtub, that should be providing for the two of you. Instead, it's him that keeps the temperature high.

Your muscles hurt and his wounds ache, as always, after a tiring day of hero work. You guess that's your daily nature; after hours and hours of overworking your body and soul, two people like you only get to spend the little time they have together like this. Late at night, curled up against each other, borderline sleeping in a bathtub. You're sure the water has a pinkish red tint to it -somewhere, a wound of his or yours is bleeding more that you'd like to believe is natural.

Katsuki is unbothered to check who's wounds are worse.

For the first time in a while, his mouth isn't dry, or chapped, a killer to his heart, for he can't find the right choice of words to spell to you. He should be fine with having you curled up against his chest, but somewhere along the way he finds it hard to experience the warmth he's trying to emit. And he thinks he finds your response to this unspoken mind trick when he cups your hands with his, checking at your fingers. Not a single prune or puckered line to clasp a non indifferent reaction from the back of his brain.

He's content with the way time seems to have stopped, trapping you in a moment filled with cold granite tiles and blood spoiled water that smells like lavender. In a movement he abandons your hands, watching them float over his. You hum -it's warm and welcoming, as if you're saying you're content too- and rest the back of your head to the crook of his neck.

His only reply is to nuzzle his nose into your neck as well. Placing a tiny kiss to the skin against his lips, tangling his fingers through your wet hair.

Small reassuring acts of

love with nothing special into them help you relax completely into him. "Kinda nice that you can see the stars so bright tonight" If you're looking for a cynical answer, then Katsuki's ever your man. "Of course they'd show when it's pitch black outside. What'd ya expect?" With your eyes glued to the glass ceiling for a long while you wonder, what did you expect really? Words that spiral in your brain are always spoken, leaving you numb and inquiring, searching for an answer in the deepest curves of your brain. When burning your eyes into his will never work, he decides to let his gaze melt holes in the vast of his bathroom windows. The beauty of minimalism leaves him cold and lonely, as if there's facelessness in the black veil of the sky that mimics the inside of his home. He curls into you by pressing you against his chest tighter. You never ask him why his bathroom is built the way it is -with that little corner window in the ceiling, neither does he know what he'd answer to you were you ever in a position to. He doesn't know how to apologize for being who he is, or his that window makes him feel like he used to be assured and secured on what was assigned to him by birth. (His parents’ money, a strong quirk.) He doesn't know how to apologize for still living in traits of his life that could make you feel like he's been everything but fair to Izuku. And all you probably think about, he convinces himself is that It'd be ironic to say that you mind having a view of the stars while having a midnight bath. It's a full moon tonight too -the glowing sky orb floating just above the furthest line of the horizon, illuminating the sky. And you, with your eyes shut by now and facing the glass ceiling, seem like you feel the weight of the moon pulling you in. What Katsuki knows for sure is that you have a terrible migraine that has you frowning horrendously. It's because of the fool moon, you'll say when the blond asks you why you're suffering, it always gives you migraines and he'll sit by you as you're making him his bath, holding your hand while he asks you to join him. He's nothing but a lover of roughness and void, he doesn't know how you're still with him, or how you ever fell for him. He feels slow, like a worn out tire, washed to a shore by the sea. But his hands, calloused and sculpted harshly even only by the -not so many- years of being a pro, aid to your comfort, not in his need to be a hero -more like, in his need to be human, or not feel inadequate, to not feel like his life is a pit of guilt because Izukus is over. And it has been for a long time. And his, is taking turns so abruptly that his gut churns and pleads. Two bulky thumbs run over your eyebrows, smoothing the short coarse hair and soothing the bone, swooning the sore pain away; it feels like custom made heaven, sweet and fluffy, and the water in the bathtub won't get cold, nor will his hands. You're so relaxed into him, bones turned into jelly and skin tingling at his touch. Every circle he's rubbing on your forehead is releasing tension you didn't know you had piled up. The soft splashes of water are merely inaudible when compared to his heartbeat, but you can't feel it. Not yet. It's not tense enough for him to feel like his heart is beating out of his chest. "You any better?" Cold. Brutal. Almost as if his hands belong to someone else, but that's Katsuki for you, or anyone else as a matter. You turn your head to him, wearing a tiny, worn out smile as you lean you mean into him, clashing your lips over his, bumping your nose to his cupid's bow when you're done. Katsuki, you're sure, closes his eyes in a feeling that doesn't seem pleasant and you do the most expected thing -retreat. It hurts; watching you slip away, turn your head to face the stars outside of his window, wiggle your body away from his, to collect your knees and press them against your chest. It's devastating how a small denial to a kiss can harm you in such a way. It's either his fault, or yours. Because somewhere deep inside his head he's convinced

himself he's a rebound. Someone you'll get over when you start getting better. And he's probably convinced himselfhes viewing you in this way, somehow. "You could have at least kissed me back" You whisper, shivering. The water is cold, finally, it was so nice while the warmth washed over your skin. Almost like a lie. "I-" He huffs, buries his head into his wet palms. He can't speak, for if he does, the crack in his voice, the high pitch of it, will snitch on his torment. He tries to shove it away, when he shoots his hands to your direction, trying to pull you into him again. When it doesn't work, you swear you see the corners of his eyes sparkle just a tad. It's alienating, when you've seen him cry and have numerous break downs, more times than you've seen him smile or laugh, you feel like you're foreign to the slight emotion that gathers in his eyes, now forming a pit, never spilling down the harsh lines of his cheeks. The moment a salty streak appears on his skin, you can help but wonder, what would happen if only you could stop your own tears from falling. You can't ask him to talk to you, it's more than obvious. You're deprived of any logical sentence forming mechanism in your brain, knees like jelly, arms heavy as two whole buildings in the verge of collapsing. One word of his and your heart will unleash all the ache that gathers slowly in your throat. "'M not just here cause Izuku died" There you go, not once, but seven times, feeling your heart pierce holes in your body, hanging from his every word, cursing yourself when you grasp his meaning. Wild and unleashed and raw, a plea, an inquiry. A way of masking his insecurity and it's your fault he's feeling this way. "You're not," You start, lost and perplexed "I love y-" But it does down faster than you would have wanted it. You turn your head away from him for a second. With the moon so high, and the city lights non existent, you can distinguish the Taurus constellation, just below the moon, and so very faint. Your throat is tight, your neck is sore, your voice won't come out -you wonder why astrology is right about Taurus controlling the throat- and you don't know how to make him feel good about himself. If only you can show him the constellation he'll be fine, right? Do zodiac constellations make him as excited as they make you? Or is that just a role he's taken upon himself to stick with you? His lips clash with yours, water splashing around you as he shifts, and he hugs you close to him. It's your cue, to close your eyes and move your lips in sync. Its a sullen form of desire, that dangerous one, where you get his lips to bleed from how hard you bite down onto his lip and twist and pull and clash him into you again because you can't get enough. You tell yourselves you have to live for this present, even if the past makes it unbearable. Just when your hearts feel like they'll jump out of your chests and dissolve into the lavender smelling bubbles, this time painting the water in a deep carmine, you clash your chest to his and he feels as if, he's wanted, here and now, even if the feeling won't last for long. And then it's hands that roam bruised skin, fingers than dig into softness or thick muscle, fingernails that dig into scalps painfully, until they draw blood as your teeth clash. It's passion, and only in the way your hips ghost over his, swaying in the water, as he's grunting "see, am kissing you back" and "We'll never be clean at this rate" "I'll massage your head when we're done" You breathe, pulling back for a second, as he sucks a spot on your neck, handling your back just to press your chest to his face. "Fuck, I love yo-" You shush him with your mouth on his, forehead sticking to his when a slit on your nose gets smashed when it scrunches against his cheek. He doesn't have to say it, you don't have to hurt him like this. It almost doesn't matter -the cold- when he pulls you to the edge of the bathtub and buries himself into you, you simply shiver by the way his thumb rubs your clit, thrusting your hips in rhythm to

meet his. And he bites on to your collar bones, eyes teary and heart heavy after he lets you set the pace, occasionally thrashing into your touch, his gut churning more and more as you go. It's only when he takes matters into his own hands -lifting you and pressing your back again the wall, putting out some candles I'm the process- hand on your face to shove some hair away, and legs wrapped securely around him that you both find release. Screaming in agony, crying in what could be mistaken for pain, sticking your foreheads together as your breaths tingle into one hot huff of air that travels up and way from you. You lock eyes with him, just before he lets his body collapse into the water, limbs numb and sore. "Please don't leave too." You whisper, sinking down just behind him, fetching for the shampoo bottle from behind you. He doesn't respond. Instead, he mimics you and rests his head on the crook of your neck, eyeing you backwards, pressing his lips into an upwards line. You're not sure you'll be able to get over this void soon, and you can't help but plead. Later, as you're washing through his hair, you show him the Taurus constellation and his eyes beam like a child's when he says "hey I'm a Taurus" all while tending trying to tend for the bite that he left on your shoulder. He doesn't ask to find the cancer constellation. You don't remember where to find it. The moon is too bright for you to even try.

v. acceptance | 6.59 am

The last rembrand of a star shines in a portrait of purples and oranges. The beautiful afterglow of the previous night, the first ray of sun washes its shine away, almost entirely, before a second can come. To paint the sky in blues, sprinkle the marine shade as to spoil the darkness' leftovers.

The night star, or morning star, tolerates a third, then forth ray of sunlight, and your watery eyes flicker at the scene, your head curling deeper into Katsuki's chest, humming as his hand wraps tighter around you, rubbing frantically over your skin to create some friction. It's only then that you're reminded how beautiful warmth is.

Your ear is cold -after Katsuki's doing while playing with the roots of your hair- and you tuck it under a few strands, instantly noticing the difference in temperature. Katsuki is cold as well, shivering slightly even with the blanket that's wrapped around the two of you. You can't help but wish that you were in bed, curled in a blanket cocoon, sleeping in the most sappy, eerie way.

But spending the night at the beach in early September night's has been a favorite activity of yours for the past few years. Long gone are the July nights spent in agony at the beach in Musutafu, nights that have allowed you to know Katsuki like the back of your hand. You can't take them back, replace them with memories of a happier process of getting to know him. You're not sure he wants to do that too.

He yawns slightly, squishing your head under his elbow to rub his tired eyes, breaking the loudsy inhale to chuckle at your pretend squirming. Avoiding your hair as to not hurt you while scratching the stubble hair on his cheeks -flinching slightly at it- before he moves your hair away from your ear, laughing trumphically at his doing.

"Nooo, I'm cold"

He chuckles again, running the tips of his fingers through your hair and tapping his palm over your ear. "Better now?"

"Katsu!"

You smile into his chest, trying to muffle your giggles, deciding to cook into him further.

His heart might as well burst. He thinks to himself that this is more than something he could have asked for, years of putting the effort in being with you awarding him in moments like this. Moments where he can see Venus shine faintly in the sky, feeling blessed by the planet of love as he places kisses to the top of your head.

I'm times like these, it's hard to look back and remember he used to beat himself over trying to convince himself he was drawn to you only because Izuku died. It feels like there's more behind it. Some karmic pull, some aligned stars, fates arranged in such a way that

you were meant to end up in this moment. Even if none of this is true and he's lost in superstitial bullshit, trying to explain things with something that bears no resemblance to simple logic, he figures there aren't any fresh wounds in his body. Time has flown since the last time he caught himself bathing in his own blood, but he's not reckless any more -neither are you- he doesn't go tormenting himself with wounds that will take long to heal. He can't remember times that have been tougher than this. But he's attached to the warm sand, moist still from the night's angry chill, so much that he slips one hand out of the blanket and sinks it low into the ground. It's so pleasant that he doesn't feel the ground pulling him in, or down. He's got a heart that will withstand his will to get up any time he wants to, and a pair of legs that will at his command, a chest that heaves with breaths while you're showering him with kisses. He won't get to spend an eternity like this, not even as many years as he thinks will be enough for him to enjoy this, but he's figured that there's eternity hinged in every moment, of taking care of yourself before you take care of someone else, so you don't hurt others around you. He's surprised with how much he's changed; he is aware that change is inevitable, through all the compromises that he's had to not condemn, all the soft words he's forced himself to say to you, to himself, to the point he's become softer, mellowed. Knowing he'd never forgive himself if he came to lose you to his grief. "We should get up, I'm sure Mina and Ochaco will be freaking at this point." He chuckles, hiding his tongue in the back of his mouth, as if to fish for a reply. "Kirishima and Denki will-" "Let the fuckers do as they wish, it's my wedding day, I decide when I show up. I can't with this enthusiasm" "Oh my god" You fake gasp, clapping your mouth "this is it? You're not going to marry me? You've lost your spark? Oh me. Oh my, whatever do I do?" You laugh, feeling the vibrations of his chest as he's laughing too, ruffling your hair in the messiest way he can imagine "There, now your hair is unfixable and I get to say it's you who left me at the altar" You burst out in giggles as you're trying to get up -efforts wasted in vain, because he's pulling you back onto him, for a kiss, one that makes your lips feel like cotton candy that slowly melts away, fuzzily yet so watery and with such delicacy. He gets up soon after you, folding the blanket neatly -too neatly- only pausing to take in the moment. Blue blotch after blue blotch is flooding the sky, almost every hint of purple gone, giving in to that warm tangerine light of the early sun. Katsuki sighs and you link your arms around his elbow. Content, happy. And he'd be lying if he said he wasn't much of those himself. There's nothing holding him back. And so, he guesses, this is goodbye. The official one. Not melded with an apology, not fueled by regret. It's a silky woven letting go. There are no tears left for him to shed, there's no more trembling to violently shake your body awake at night. There's nothing but good in the memory of Izuku. Not even the subtle wish for him to be here, and happy with you. As the bright, starry light of Venus is outshone by the sun, he places another kid to the top of your head. "I'll see you at 5" "I'm going to be fashionably late" You argue, turning around to wield your hands around his neck and almost linking your lips to his. "Don't you fucking dare" He kisses you "Or what? You'll blow everyone to pieces?" He kisses you again, then again, then once more. "Might as well" And that's Katsuki for you, even in the calmer, softer version of himself. The personification of the twilight hours, even if he's going to bed at 10pm, wiggling his feet under the covers until you join him. He's the only reason you're still sane and you won't ever lose him. He won't lose you, in return.

[sergeantbuckybarnes]

serendipity // bucky barnes

PART TWO

Summary: You end up stuck in 1942 without a way to come back, but when you meet the young and charming version of Bucky Barnes, do you really want to go back to the present?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word count: 1.9k

Warnings: mentions of cheating, reader is a bitch, sad bucky, angst, fluff, lack of ‘40s knowledge

A/N: As always, please remember English is not my first language. Also, thanks to @coffee-books-music​ for proofreading this!

divider by @firefly-graphics​

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Red. Everything went red. Your vision blurred as a flame curled in the pit of your stomach. You enter the building with a firm step, walking through the hallways, anger building inside you, trying to take over the sadness you didn’t want to feel. Your phone vibrated in the pocket of your jeans, you reach for it only to see the name of your sister on the screen. Memories weighed down on you, but you would not allow yourself to break down anymore. Instead, your heart turned ice cold and slunk into the shadows as your brain took complete control. You screamed in frustration and threw the phone against the nearest wall. How dare she call you? You took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

“Are you okay?” a voice called from behind you. You turned to face a man you had never seen before. He was tall, with long dark hair for his shoulders and piercing steel-blue eyes. His face changed once he saw you, going from worried to shocked.

“Y/N?” he asked cautiously, his voice was so soft, with a hidden hope you didn’t catch on.

“Do I know you?” you asked, not really caring for him, but getting annoyed for how he was looking at you.

“Is it really you?” he asked again, not believing what his eyes were seeing. Maybe so much brainwashing had really messed with him.

“Look dude, it’s really not a good time,” you wanted to leave, but he grabbed your arm, not forcefully, but with enough force for you not to have the chance to leave. You yanked your arm from his grasp and realized that where his left arm was supposed to be, there was, instead, a metal arm. Who the fuck was this guy?

“Don’t touch me,” you rebuked. Waves of fury rolled off you as the blood rose to your cheeks. The term anger barely even touched the tip of the volcano that you so clearly were in that moment.

He took a step back, not wanting to upset you even more, but he could not help himself, he needed to know if it was really you. He wished it was really you.

“Y/N, Bucky? What’s going on here?” the voice of Steve Rogers flooded your ears, and you let out a sigh of relief.

“Ask your friend,” you said before giving a not-so-friendly glare to the guy before picking the pieces of your phone and making your way to your room, leaving the men behind you.

You groaned in frustration against the pillow. You were such a bitch when you met him. There were times when your brain fries up. It was no excuse you know; you owned your behavior. It was like a trigger flicked inside you. Your emotions turned cold, fearful, anxious... You back away, flee or strike out at someone. Those are the moments where you’re not proud of who you are. You fail to be the warrior you were always told you were born to be. Instead, you show the frightened child within, damaged and afraid, the one still hiding from the monsters under the bed. You knew these are things you have to work on. You had spent so much time caring for others, pouring out love without measure, yet never receiving it in return. So like a stupid child, you hold out for love.

Now you understand why Bucky acted so weird around you that day in the compound. He remembered you. He remembered you from that night in the dance hall. But… how could he? It hadn’t happened yet. Well, technically yes, but at the same time, no.

“What are you thinking about?” Wanda pulled out from your thoughts, you turned your head to look at her.

“Nothing,” you lied.

“Y/N, we’ve known each other for a long time, I can tell when you’re lying.”

After a few minutes in silence you finally speak up, “I was thinking about the first day I met Bucky,” the tone of your voice betraying you.

“Y/N, you just find out your fiancé cheated on you with your sister. It’s normal you acted the way you did. You were angry.”

“And what about the other times?” you sat up and faced your best friend. “I had been nothing but mean to him.”

That morning you woke up later than usual so when you entered the kitchen, the breakfast was long gone. You groaned, you really needed a coffee.

“Sorry kiddo,” Tony patted your back before leaving the room. Sam and Steve made their way to the gym. Wanda and Nat were chatting on the counter, and the new guy was standing a few steps away from them looking at you. Again.

“Do you have some problem with me?” you asked annoyed, alarming the girls of your presence. They turned to look at you. “You are always staring at me.”

“S-sorry,” he muttered, tearing his gaze away from you. You rolled your eyes and made your way to your friends. “Here,” he offered you a mug of coffee. “It’s still warm.”

You looked at him confused, “You always drink a cup of coffee in the mornings, so when I noticed you weren’t coming anytime soon, I poured one for you in case you would come out later,” Nat and Wanda shared a smile on their faces, melting at how sweet the former winter soldier was being.

Your reaction was very different, though. “I want nothing from you,” and you left the kitchen, leaving the guy with a heartbreaking look on his face, and a shocking one on both of your friends’.

“You can do nothing to change the past, what has happened has happened. But you can change from now on.”

“You think I still have time?”

“You’ll have to try”

You had hurt Bucky so much; you took out all the anger you felt inside you on him. It was unfair. No matter how badly you treated him, he always sent a smile your way, he had been nothing but nice to you. You were a horrible person.

Everyone had their reasons for being how they were. Some people get past their troubles and grow mature, others get stuck in a sort of basic mode of fear and reactions, loving responses becoming absent or portioned out for personal gain. You were the latter type.

This had been the ninth time you checked to see if Wanda was really asleep. You felt like you were sixteen again and you were sneaking out of your house to meet your boyfriend. But you needed to go to the dance hall, needed to see if he would still be there.

You made the pillows form the shape of your body and covered them with the duvet, and you tiptoed out the room.

You walked through the Brooklyn streets one more time, those streets, so familiar but at the same time, so different to you. You spotted the dance hall you were in last night. The night where you met Bucky, and you danced with him…. you kissed him. Immediately, you felt the heat rising to your cheeks when you remembered the feeling of his soft lips on yours. You. brushed your thumb across your lips and a smile crept its way across your face.

You searched through the club, looking for the soldier. What if he wasn’t here tonight? What if he had already met someone else, and he’s dancing with them? You disliked the pit that formed in your stomach when your head was clouded with the thought of Bucky with someone else, holding them the same way that he had held you, showing them that beautiful smile of his….. his lips on someone else’s.

“Looking for someone, doll?” you turned around at the sound of his voice, even though you hastily left last night with no explanation, he didn’t seem mad about it, his face still plastered the same smile.

“H-hi.”

“You’re going shy on me now, doll?” he asked, “What happened the previous night? Never had a dame running away from me so fast,” he joked.

You chuckled lightly, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, no worries,”

The same song that you danced to last night started playing, your eyes caught a few couples starting moving to the music. When you turned to look at Bucky again, he had his head tilted to one side and a hopeful smile playing on his lips.

You stretched out your arm to him, “Shall we?”

He didn’t think twice and took your hand in his. “So, what made you come back?” he asked. His hands were on your hips and your arms wrapped loosely around his neck, just like last night while you swayed to the music.

“I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to dance to our song one more time.” you were feeling pretty bold, and you liked it, and by the grin forming on Bucky’s face, you were sure he liked it too.

“Our song?”

You hummed. “That’s our song. So you can’t dance it with anyone else,” you replied, “Just me.”

He chuckled, “I have no problem with that, doll.”

As you both kept swaying to the music, you leaned towards his body and let your head rest on his chest. You felt the way his heartbeat quickened and smiled, knowing you were the cause for it. All of your thoughts stopped. It was like your heart took over your head when you were with him. You realized that you never felt this way when you were in Jake’s arms.

You wanted a love that was passionate and determined, fire with earth, yet was also a serenity soul that you could dwell in forever. When the song finally ended, you felt his intense gaze on you, and your insecurity took over, “Is everything okay?” you asked looking at him.

“If I kissed you now, would you run away from me again?”

You laughed, and shook your head, “No, not again.”

“Promise? Because my heart wouldn’t be able to handle it again.”

You looked into his blue eyes, and you cursed yourself for not realizing before how beautiful his eyes were… every piece of him was beautiful. He was a masterpiece. You didn’t answer his question, but instead, you stood on your tiptoes and closed the gap between the two of you before he could say anything else.

“I’m telling you, it’s her.” Bucky was losing his nerves to the disbelief of his best friend.

“Buck, it’s been over 80 years, there’s no way it’s her.”

You were the exact same replica of the woman that stole his heart back in 1942 in that dance hall. It was you. He was sure about that. No matter how crazy it would have sounded.

If he and Steve were still here, why couldn’t you be too?

“Alright, then why didn't she recognize you?” Steve wasn’t trying to be mean, he knew his friend really loved that girl since the second she bumped into him. But he also knew that the chances of it being the same person were slim. Maybe you were her granddaughter. But that wasn’t an option Bucky could consider.

“I don’t know,” the soldier didn’t have an explanation for that. Maybe they had brainwashed you the same way they did with him and you forgot about your past… about him? If that was the case, he would try his best to make you remember. “But I will not lose her again.”

He wouldn’t give up on you. Not again.

[dorimena]

𝖔𝖓 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑

𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯; monoma neito

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱; 1.3k 

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰;   Implied overstimulation, edging, dacryphilia (?), brief drug mention, cursing, dom!reader, sub!character

𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔱𝔞𝔤𝔰; I tried keeping reader as gender-neutral as possible, Kendo calls, having sex while on a call, whiney Monoma, couch sex, mention of illness, choking (?) aged-up character; although not mentioned, Monoma is in his early 20s

“Oh? I have an incoming call. You wouldn’t mind me receiving this, right? No, of course not. Now shut up.”

All you could hear as a reply was a pitiful whimper from the man below you, body trembling as he tried calming himself down through shut eyes, hand-covered mouth and harsh breathing. Although cute, you wouldn’t call that noise a proper answer.

“Answer me, Neito.”

Oh, how he hates yet loves how you harshly said his name, how you grabbed his jaw with your fingers, how you gripped your phone tighter in your other hand. But, you also completed your sentence, why would you need his input? He doubts he would be able to say -

“No!” Monoma shouted, opening his eyes to bewilderedly look at you while feeling how you quickly lift yourself off his horribly, intensely throbbing dick. Yet, you smiled so sweetly, placing the hand that had his jaw in between your fingers on his mouth, muffling his quiet whines of how unfair you were being, daring to choose a phone call that had stopped ringing seconds ago over your favorite boy in the world, your favorite boy who had gracefully allowed himself to be dommed, as you would put it.

Yet, clearly, if he can still somewhat coherently speak, then you didn’t overstimulate him enough to leave him pretty dumb.

The phone began ringing again, and as you turn to look at the screen, your eyebrows rose upon seeing Kendo’s name glowing. Either something happened, or she’s trying to contact Monoma because something happened.

“Look Neito, your friend is calling. You should stay extra quiet, okay? If you do good, maybe I’ll just let you take control again, yeah?” Oh, Monoma knew he was going to do good; he was already calming down anyways, and even if his dick feels like it’s ready to explode, it’s not too bothersome to render him useless.

Smirking under the two hands, he nodded once and relaxed on the soft cushions of his living room couch as you finally answered the call. It’ll only be a few minutes, right? It’s only Kendo. She gets straight to the point, and all you would have to tell her about his whereabouts is ‘oh, he’s asleep’ or ‘he’s taking a shower.’

But, Kendo decided today would be one of those strange days where she decides to gossip with you about who knows what, all while Monoma tried keeping his impure thoughts down to a minimum, trying not to provoke his dear hardened friend to feel even worse.

If only he had realized he began whining softly an hour into your call.

If only he had realized how you’ve gone quiet as you heard Kendo’s inquisitive question about that noise.

If only he had realized your disappointed look that slowly turned into a satisfied one.

If only he-

“Monoma woke up feeling funny, must be his stomach. You would think him eating such gourmet and organic food wouldn’t cause such an issue. Must be some wine he drank.”

How dare you say that as you shifted from your comfortable position on one of the other couch cushions to slowly sink yourself on his dick again? God, the muffled loud whimper apparently wasn’t muffled enough to ease Kendo’s worry about his condition.

“No, Kendo. It’s alright, you don’t need to come over. I’ll let you know if we need anything, though.”

How dare you say that in such a calm and collected manner, as if you weren’t slowly riding him and purposefully clenching around his sensitive extremity? Are you blind or is it easy to ignore the way his eyes have quickly gotten wet with unshed tears and his breathing picking up faster than before? Here he is, the chivalrous pro-hero Phantom Thief, who could easily bite back at you with your own quirk in the blink of an eye, trembling in pain and pleasure, in desperation and frustration, trying yet failing to keep himself composed and choking on every cute noise you drag out of him.

How daring of you to keep talking to Kendo as he suffers such delicious pleasure, such warm, wet friction, such excruciating pace while having to find himself obligated to keep his whines and whimpers down.

By now, 2 hours have passed since you picked up the call and you keep on riding him ever so slowly, maybe having stopped a couple of times to watch and admire how he slowly begins to break away from his pride and promised domination. Now, shut eyed tears trail down his beautifully reddened cheeks, his own fingers in his mouth as he holds his tongue down, his legs jerking closed every certain interval, his other hand ghosting around your waist and hips as if fighting an internal war of whether or not he should or even if he could touch you.

Now you think you’ve done it. You finally broke down your beautiful boy.

‘I can’t believe he tried keeping quiet.’ You thought adoringly, smiling as you caressed his tear-stained cheeks, feeling the heat that doesn’t seem to cool down from your hands. Kendo’s voice rang in your ear, asking, once again, if Monoma really was okay. Looking at him again, you realized he’s used his free hand to cover his mouth. ‘Oh,’ you raised an eyebrow, ‘he’s being quiet because of Kendo. Shame.’

After assuring Kendo that yes, Monoma isn’t dying from food poisoning, you lift yourself almost completely off of him, just to drop yourself down on him. The reaction was immediate.

“Y-Y/N!” He sobbed silently, hips jerking up into you making you bounce, drool dripping down his chin onto his chest, back arched as he holds back the next sob.

This reaction was so great that you did it once more. Or maybe twice more. No, thrice. Each and every time, you watched how he struggled to not be louder than he was, even taking your own hand and placing it on his mouth as hard as he could as he groaned ever so weakly, his dazed eyes staring at the ceiling, his white pupils dilated to the point he appears to be high off of something.

“Yeah, I think he needs my assistance right now. It was nice speaking with you, keep me up to date with the details!” As Kendo barely said her goodbyes, you hung up, throwing your phone away from you two but still on the couch (Because who would want to be careless and throw it to the floor?)

“My good, good, good boy.” You panted out hotly, face so close that his vision settled onto yours, eyebrows furrowing in a silent plea of mercy. “Maybe you do love being under someone, hm? And here… here I was, offering you to fuck me.”

“Pl-please, please fuck me-e. Please! Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease- it hurts so much.” Monoma sobbed loudly, a new set of fresh tears falling from his periwinkle hues, all while he tried grinding upwards into you, thighs trembling upon how overwhelmingly hurtful his horniness has gotten.

Humming, satisfied with how he reacted, with how he begged all without being told to, you didn’t see why you should continue breaking him further. After all, who said this would be ending soon?

“You came three times already, and here you are begging a fourth? So greedy, Neito. So needy. But alright, I’ll fuck you. As. Hard. As. Possible.” Every punctuation of the previous words had you bouncing as hard as you could on his lap, grinning wickedly as he opened his mouth to moan so ridiculously loud, so ridiculously high pitched; you wondered if he could rival that of some hentai girl.

You’ll make sure to have those sounds keep leaving him, just like his soul as his eyes roll to the back of his head while choking on his spit, and a symphony of moans, whines and whimpers gave away this heavenly pleasure.

[thefanficmonster]

Lucky Me (Sequel To Unlucky)

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff

Summary: You aren’t always born with luck. Sometimes, you meet people who bring it to you. In short, they are your lucky charm.

Requested: Yes, but not in a typical way. A big thank you to all the wonderful people who read, liked, reblogged and commented on part one - Unlucky.  

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @itsminniekat  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  and many more ❤❤❤

They are the reason this story is being written. What was originally supposed to be an elaborate one-shot turned into the most liked piece I’ve ever written. I can’t thank you enough, guys. You are amazing and I hope you like this one just as much or even more than the previous. Love you ❤❤❤

Y/N’s POV

I’m grinning at my reflection in the mirror as I put on a pair of earrings. My face is already touched-up with a little make-up and my hair is looking on point. I can almost see my own reflection in the shine of excitement in my eyes. I take in my upper body via a quick once-over in the full body mirror opposite me, and I finally relax my muscles that I didn’t ever realize I was tensing.

“OK, now I’m ready.“ I say as a form of encouragement as I reach behind me for my phone that’s sitting on my bed.

You might be wondering where I’m going? Who I’m going with? What’s the occasion behind this many preparations and pampering?

The answer: Nowhere. No one. Nothing. I’m literally not even going to leave my house.

It might seem ridiculous to someone else, but to me, to my hypnotized mind, it’s perfectly reasonable to be getting so amped up over a FaceTime call. Yeah, you heard me correctly - a FaceTime call. 

Well, you see, this isn’t the first time we FaceTime, but it will be the first time we’ll see each other’s faces. I wanted to level the field so I didn’t let him on to what I look like, where exactly I live, etc. Basically, he only knows my name, which I am still prepared to call unfair, considering I don’t know his real name. 

A brief backstory to my first ever real interaction with Corpse: I was introduced to him by my friends. They are the ones I always turned to with all the scary shit happening in my life. Often times they didn’t know weather to comfort me or laugh at my curse. My friends suggested I start sharing it to a youtuber named Corpse Husband. You see, I love YouTube narrators and I’ve always been a fan of Mr. Nightmare and I, to be perfectly honest, always kept the idea of sending him my stories in the back of my mind. Nevertheless, I bit the bullet and checked out on of this Corpse Husband guy’s videos. And then another. And another. And before I knew it I was having a marathon after which I was too paranoid to get online, walk home alone at night, leave my curtains open etc. It wasn’t all thanks to the stories themselves. A lot of the fear factor these stories strike with should be credited to the way they are read. Let me tell you, this guy had it all figured out with the reading. Not sending him my stories would just be wrong. So I did, I sent him my first ever creepy encounter which was with a stalker from my high school and it took me only two days to forget about it. It only crossed my mind when my friends blew my phone up, demanding I watched Corpse’s new video. I kid you not, I got more scared by the story when he read it than when I lived it. That’s what settled it for me - I decided to send him each and every story.

And then one day, out of the blue, my life changed for the better in more ways than one. It got turned completely upside down, like a rollercoaster, and I just had to hold on and enjoy the ride, embrace the adrenaline rush and excitement, knowing full well that I chose to get on and there’s no way I can get off halfway through. 

I’m being too metaphorical. He sent me an email. He freaking reached out to me. And I was posed with a rough choice. Took me a minute, but I chose to reply to him, I chose to trust him, and I couldn’t just leave him on read one day simply cause I chickened out. Yes, I’m unlucky and these things don’t happen to unlucky people. I mean, they do, but they are nightmares disguised as a dream come true. I’ve lived all my life cautiously: if something sounds too good to be true it’s either not as good as marketed or not true at all. If it’s dark and late and there are no people around, FaceTime someone. If your Uber driver’s sketchy, cancel the ride. I take all the precautions and I still find myself in the worst situations. Or at least...

My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of my phone. A simple ringtone I hear every time he calls me. A simple sound that causes me butterflies when I hear it and ultimate devastation if the caller ID doesn’t read the name I want. It always gets me excited, probably more than it should. This time is different, however. It’s scary almost. I’m nervous, anxious, scared, hesitant - all things I never feel when I’m about to answer his call. 

With shaky hands I pick up the call and find myself looking at the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Now I know why I would have never initiated this meeting, because I know what color my face is right now. I know my voice has let me down before I even attempt to speak. I know I look like a mess. I know my obvious crush is showing.

Corpse initiated this meeting. He said he was getting too curious and he wanted one of his best friends to see him and for him to finally see her. It’s been about seven months since we first started texting and I haven’t let out a single peep about it to a single soul. It’s just between him and I. We are each other’s safe space away from the rest of the world.

“Thought you weren’t gonna pick up for a second there.“ His voice is not as confident as other times when we’ve talked. His trying to hide his own nervousness and all I wanna do is hug him and tell him he doesn’t have to. I kept telling him over and over again that we don’t have to do this if he’s not sure that he actually wants it. I even offered to show him what I look like, not expecting to see him in return but he declined, saying it was now his turn to even the field.

“I was in another room.“ I manage to say, my voice only shaking a little.

We spend a few moments just looking at each other. Admiring one another. For someone who prefers digital interaction, I am surprised to realize I wish he was actually standing in front of. I wish I could hug him. A long hug of comfort, mutual understanding and hidden feelings.

He lets out a short laugh, shaking his head which causes a few strands of hair to fall over his eyepatch, “I’m sorry...It’s just-...Fuck I’m stumbling.” He chuckles nervously, “I just...can’t believe you are real. You are a real person. And the most beautiful person I’ve seen. That’s corny, isn’t it.” He looks away from the screen, his face now a shade of red. “But I mean it. I’m embracing my corniness. You are beautiful, Y/N. Not that I’m flexing or anything, but I’m lucky to have met you.”

I laugh, feeling my eyes stinging from the tears that have suddenly formed. I don’t want to let them fall, but I don’t have much say in that. “Well, mister Corpse, I can’t begin to compare. I mean...that hair! I still cannot believe it’s you. You are not just a deep voice in my mind. You are....you are...”

“Everything you imagined and more?“ he jokes, making my whole body heat up. “I told you you could trust. I mean, if the hair doesn’t confirm I’m who I say I am, I don’t know what will.”

“Actually, I never tried to imagine what you looked like. I knew those visions...I knew they didn’t matter. Faces don’t matter to us, Corpse. I think you realize that.“

And just like that, all I’ve been keeping hidden is pouring out. I don’t try to stop it - you can’t stop a hurricane with bare hands.

“I never needed a face to imagine us. I always saw as talking on the phone, playing Among Us. Reading scary stories to each other on Discord. I never needed a face to imagine your company. To imagine what we could be...“ I trail off, letting the first tear slip down my cheek.

The most sincere look appears in his eyes, “Fuck, I wish I could hold your hand right now. Never mind, I wish I could hug you, Y/N. Hug you and not let go for a long time.”

I laugh halfheartedly, my chest burning from the intensity of this moment’s intimacy, “I can always tell you where I live.” I’m only half-joking. I really want to see him in real life, not just through a screen, but even this call is out of his comfort zone, let alone a physical meet up.

He surprises me yet again, “Saturday. I’ll bring the take out, you pick the movie.” he says with a smile that is literally saying ‘you didn’t see that coming, did you?’

“How are you sure I don’t live in a different state, or a different continent all together?“ I tease, making an attempt to put my composure back together.

He smirks, “I pay way more attention to your stories than you’d think.” I laugh, shaking my head as a pointless method of fighting the pesky tears that he has 100% noticed by this point. “By the way, just because we’re....” he thinks for a second, “in a weird zone between friendship and...something more, doesn’t mean you have to stop sending me stories. I absolutely love reading them for my audience. They love em too.”

I just realized I am yet to tell him the crazy miracle that has happened. “Well, the thing is...I don’t have any.” His eyebrows shoot up in shock which makes me laugh, “Yeah, I know, it’s crazy. Since the day we started talking I have not experienced a single scary thing. Deadass. I swear on my life.”

If I wasn’t so head over heels for this man already, the baffled expression on his face would definitely send me falling for him. He’s just that adorable. “Wow.”

“I know right.“ I nod, “Seems to me you have enough luck to share with me.“

His eyes light up at that comment, showing just how meaning full it is to him.

“You’re my lucky charm, Corpse.“

“I will never be more proud of any other title, Y/N. That I can promise you with no hesitation.“

“Deadass?“

“Deadass.“

[angelic-jeonghan1004]

Enhypen reacting to you cheating in a game to win

More enha timeeee I've got more stuff in the works for them so soon I'll make a masterlist! Doing a mixture of both video games and arcade games in this. If it's not obvious to tell from my past fics I love me some video games I'm now super into Genshin atm!! Heeseung is absurdly long btw sorry about that he's the only one I actually had an idea for from a random tropes list on Wattpad the rest I wrote the prompt games and ideas for sitting through a school lecture

Pairing: Enhypen x reader

Genre: fluff, crack

Warning: swearing!

Gif credits to rightful owner ✨

Heeseung

Thinking of a way to spend time with your boyfriend and have a fun date

You went to play laser tag, there's no physical harm in laser tag

Problem here is you're both competitive

And deciding against being on the same team

Decided to go being on opposite team

Whoever lost has to buy lunch

So going into the game in the black out neon room full of obstacles you both had one thing on your mind

"I'm going to win" was the one thought racing through both of your heads (spoiler alert you won in the end)

Protecting your chestplate for your life in fear of someone shooting you

The game got very heated but you thought strategically

You didn't try to find him (that was his goal to find you, but by his height yells or cheers of success eliminating a player you knew where he was 99% of the time) you actually avoided him

You went to get out all of his teammates

It wasn't hard you where in it to win it

You realized there's no way it's not just you and Heeseung now

An idea came to mind

Yelling to him you said

"Heeseung I have an idea to make this fun for us , meet me at the middle since I don't want to yell"

You both made your way to the middle very cautious of eachother but he was very curious of the challenge

Quickly you explained that you two should go on opposite ends of the laser tag maze but each step you take you have to do one shot no matter what

Due to your limited amo this intrigued Heeseung

How he could strategically move his lanky body around the maze without loosing tok much amo

He agreed

And you leaned in for a kiss before "putting the plan to action"

He quickly accepted the kiss closing his eyes taking in the moment before having to head to the opposite corner

That was until he heard the "Defeated" noise come from his chest plate as you shot him in the chest neon red lights covering the what used to be blue chestplate

You giggled as you broke the kiss

"UNFAIR" Heeseung yelled

"We can talk about it over lunch" you said putting your hand in his

You explained your true strategy to him at lunch and how you made that plan up just so he wouldn't kill you on spot

He peas so pouty

Just ate his food and sulked

"You owe me a fist game and next time let's try that challenge I was excited baby"

He'd say with just 🥺 eyes

Pls win this boy some sort of gift he deserves a pick me up

Jay

You guys where having a great time having an in home date

Then you disrespected man's gaming skills

Oh all hell broke loose into a heated argument

"I totally bet I could beat you in Tekken"

"Oh you fucking wish"

"Who do you main"

"Roger" (Roger is a Kangaroo)

"What the fuck are you doing? Representing Jake's home? That character takes no skill to beat people as"

"Yeah well who do you main"

"Is that even a question? Alisa Bosconovitch. A cyborg robot lady with fucking jet legs and chainsaw arms you can't tell me that's not cool"

"You're telling me I'M the one that plays someone that takes no skill to play as?"

You both knew there was only one way to settle this

Jay got out Playstation and everything for it and put it as a 5 match game

Settling yourselves into the game you both where doing actually really well

Way too well actually it was 2 to 2 so whoever won this round one the game

Your anxiety got too high

You where not gonna let this dude win

He'd be too cocky for his own good holding it over you

Quickly you had an idea as you saw his health was only 50% of the way nearing death and your ultra power and held up enough exp

"BABY IS THAT A SPIDER" you yelled looking at the ground near his leg

Causing him to roll away from his spot fearing a spider near his leg loosing focus

That's when you charged at his character

You could see the soul leave his body

When he saw the pink and magenta hair move speedy across the screen straight to his sweet little kangaroo in boxing gloves and a neck tie

"K.O" filling the screen you knew his yell was coming before he even did it

"AAAAAAAAA"

"WAS THERE EVEN A SPIDER"

"No baby I just had to through you off your rthym"

Man he was HURT

"I can't tell if that was foul or not. I'm going to talk with Niki on if what you did was fair or not"

"Babe it's not that deep-"

"No No No you owe me a rematch, kiss and patience as I consult with Niki"

Jake

Gosh this sweet boy

You two where playing dead by daylight on switches laying on opposite sides of the couch so you couldn't see eachothers screen

And you just kept scaring Jake coming up out of no where behind him

"Baby please just kill me you don't have to run up behind me" he was so scared please(〒﹏〒)

He was giving you puppy dog eyes that quickly went to fear as he shrieked from you running up behind him as he tried to start the car for the 18478282 time

You realized he was actually almost done fixing the car due to his pears so you went on a killing spree it was just you, Jake and some girl who was searching for fuel that you couldn't find

Getting back to Jake you realized he actually started the car and was ready to drive it and win the game

You hid behind a tree so he wouldn't see you

So in that moment you said "Jake can you toss the blanket I'm really cold"

Jake is too much if a gentle men he did so immedietly with a smile on his face you felt a little bad for what you where doing ngl

You took this chance and killed Jake's character

He knows that's how the game works that you you still could've done that without

But boy still yelled that it was unfair

Another boy who would just pout

Beware next round he's not going to be nice and will play the murderer

Sunghoon

Who knew a game of thumb war would get so aggressive

You where just waiting for the time to pass for a cafe to open up since you guys where too early before opening

The glares you shot eachother where unreal

Neither of you wanted to loose and both where confident in winning

But one thing was tempting you

The sign flipping over to open on the front door

So in that quick moment you felt really bad

But you stepped on his toe as you lifted your arms down and quickly put your thumb over his

"12345678910 I WIN"

"NO YOU DIDNT THAT WAS TOTALLY CHEATING"

He was so upset omg

The glare on his face

You know the look like just 😐 but definitely angry

But he couldn't hide the smile on his face when you leaned in to kiss his cheek

"I needed the game to end the cafes open now baby,,,"

He went blank for a second confused then

"OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT WE WHERE IN LINE FOR THE CAFE LETS GET IN"

A smile filled his face and he moved your hands to be in an actual hand holding way as you too went in

But don't get me wrong

This boy getting a rematch

And if you playing dirty he'll play dirty too

But for now he'll be fine having this cafe date of coffee/tea and pastries with you

Sunoo

Rthym games aren't a competition

But you guys made it one-

Who could get a higher score??

Originally a joke gone TOO far

Since here you are playing one song from Superstar Woollim, Superstar SM and Superstar JYP

Just 3 main and random superstar rthym games

Each thing was going alright then you got to Woollim

You both played the same songs but each got to choose a song

Woollim you knew The Eye was hard so you chose it and had him go first

He was doing surprisingly well though

Too well🤔

But suddenly Jungwon entered the room

You knew what to do

Make that boy jealous

"Hi bubs! How are you?" You said looking up to Jungwon

Jungwon was very polite asked you how you where

And Sunoo was not having it

He's fine with you being friends with all of enha

He encourages it!

But bubs is a pet name that's for him and him only😔😔

This caused his attention to tare away for a second

Suddenly in the blink of an eye his heart dropped as the "missed" noise came through the phone

The yELL

He was so mad

Once the song was done he immedietly went

"Did you do that on purpose?"

"Sort of"

And then you just did your turn and this boy gasped and look at you likeヽ༼⁰o⁰；༽ノ

He would be pettyyyyy

He'd be so mad

Pouting and glaring at you

Just completely done

You'd have to go in with a LOT of cuddles and affection

But he'd still not budge for a while

You got a better score than him so you won

But he will hold this over you whenever he wants something he'll be like

"remember when you cheated in a game we where playing by making me jealous? That was a little too much don't you think? Now grab me one of the ice cream bars from the freezer"

Jungwon

Wonnie this precious boy

Ppuyo ppuyo Tetris is not a game to play with others

It ruins relationships, friendships, family bonds (from personal experience as someone who got grilled on their Tetris skills while playing 1v1 while my friend was also doing terrible)

He got it since the characters looked cute

And Tetris is fun!

So why not??

You guys started playing it on the switch and everything was fine at first

Then it started getting faster

Wonnie chose the annoying little wizard guy that just yells every 5 seconds

It was driving you both up a wall ngl

So you where like how do I cheat in Tetris,,,

You realized you where gonna get a 5 in 1 move so it was gonna fuck up his play real hard

But if he realizes that's your move he can make one just as strong if he puts his brain to realize what spots he has open and he's good at coming back from riskfull moments

So you digged deep in your brain to think of something quick

It hit you then

"Wonnie did I ever tell you who my Enhypen bias was"

His face just sort scrunched and he was like ¯\_ಠ_ಠ_/¯ I thought it was me? Moment

"wouldn't it be me? I never thought to ask"

"Oh okay" legit you had gone in with the 5 in 1 move and he hadn't looked at the silver blocks that quickly started to fill his screen he wanted to know

"nonono who is it?" Turned to you he didn't even see the mess that was on his screen

Until he heard the god for saken wizard just yell in defeat

"wait no that's unfair you can't drop something like that on me while we where in a 1v1 match"

His eyes he would just ಠ︵ಠ

Boy so sad :((

He lost the game and now he doesn't know if you bias him or not

If you do bias him you'd just tell him and he'd be like you stressed me out for noThing??

If you didn't bias him he'd be fine with it but he'd need a little moment of confirmation

Idk give this boy some kisses you stressing him out

Niki

Intense DDR fight let's go

This boy don't go down without a fight

Neither do you

But as the levels kept going and the energy got more and more intense

You know it was very likely Niki could win

That boy is dancing prodigy type of guy

So he be doing these steps while also the hand work of the dance itself just to flex

Done with the cute boys snarky behavior

You did the one thing that would throw him of his rthym

Pretend to get hurt

You crouched in a way and made it seem like your knee was in pain but you where still doing the steps

Niki was gonna look over to you to be snarky and witty

But you looked in pain and this giant baby got panicked

"nononono baby are you okay? If you're in pain don't worsen your injury we can stop playing, what about your knee hurts?" He was panicking and you immedietly felt so bad

He stopped moving and so his score got worse and worse

You felt so bad you pretended to just act it out a lil more

"no don't worry Riki it's okay I'll be fine"

"don't say that you're in pain you could worsen your condition, let's find out what happened maybe you just buckled your knee? I've done that, be more careful please"

He legit went over to your board and tried to just stop your movements and left a kiss on your forehead

The song would end and your score would be higher but you would never do that as a cheat again

You didn't even have the courage to tell Riki after

He continued to be just so sweet and caring throughout the date

Would probably even text you afterwards like "Im sorry you injured your knee a little but I'm glad afterwards you felt better and I had a lot of fun :))"

Pls you better keep that all in till the day you die or tell him it's up to you but don't mess with this pore boy again like that pls(〒﹏〒)

[sendyefrogs]

saudade

a/n: WELL. im back! *confetti pops out*. i mean, kinda hehe, apologies im absolutely swamped with school and my degrading mental health :). n e way, this is LONG, because i’ve missed writing a lot <3  wrote this for @sykuui, this is long overdue babe tw: verbal and (probably) physical abuse, kuroo just being a gigantic dick, dont come after me pls ily, cheating, swearing word count: 2K (word vomit ;-;) pairing: kuroo x gn!reader genre: angst (if it’s not very good, pls forgiveness, internet person)

What keeps you up at night?

Gentle snores, his soft hair brushing your arm, muffled breaths reminding you that the world knew not of the Kuroo that slept by you at night, unburdened by the worldly dilemmas. For just a few hours every night, he was yours, through and through, in your arms while the clouds drifted across the jet black sky with no destination, and the moment seemed to freeze.

Love, love for Tetsuro, is what kept you up, and it would never have once crossed your naïve mind that love is what would break you, keeping you up, not for the love you felt, but the love that was torn from you.

Simple signs would not tell you what happened, it came crashing down on you all too quick, for he was proficient at hiding it, behind his caring smiles and affectionate touches. His love wasn’t as pure as yours, he did not yearn for you as you did for him, and it showed, eventually enough. The cracks in the relationship built up gradually, slowly but prominently, too wide for either to bandage up alone, and that is how you found yourselves; alone.

He did try to provide for the both of you as best he could, being the sole income earner, and it didn’t always end well when you expressed that maybe he was too occupied by his office for your liking, unable to care for you as he once did throughout high school, when he was attentive to you no matter when you beckoned.

“Tetsuro, welcome home!” You’ve had a long day and not nearly enough time with your husband, deprived of his peppering kisses and gentle strokes of your hair. You get neither, receiving just a simple grunt, and it is clear he has had a grueling time as well. “Dinner is ready when you want it.” He nods slightly, not making eye contact with you yet, his hair appearing even less groomed than usual. You stand on your tip toes to kiss his forehead, but he shoves you away, harder than playful, glaring at you.

Maybe it’s just weariness, but he makes no attempt to apologize. You blink back the sting of tears, walking towards the kitchen to serve the food that you had learnt to make for him. He’s just tired. I’m sure he didn’t mean to push me away. That was the first tear, in the loosely woven fabric that was your relationship, that began as high school sweethearts but was now, you realized only later, becoming too stifling for Tetsuro.

The steam rose of the bowl of rice and curry, curling around your jawline as you carried it to the tall figure seated at the table, with his head in his palms. “Do you want to talk now, baby?” Your question is only answered with another sound of fatigue. You seat yourself beside him, curling your arms around his bicep, watching him lift the spoon to his mouth, trying to make him comfortable. You wanted to show him that you’d be there when he wanted to share his exhaustion with you, never occurring to you that maybe, it was exhaustion of you that plagued Tetsuro’s mind.

“Y/n, can you please be quiet for once?” It was barely a whisper; you weren’t sure if you heard him right.

“Huh?”

“Just shut up for once, god.” The tears stung again. What was with him today? He seemed genuinely mad, but you didn’t know what you had done to make him behave like this.

Little did you know, it wasn’t actually you, but the idea of you. Kuroo had grown to be frustrated with his daily routine, tired that every day was the same, that his life had lost that spark it had when he peaked in high school, your presence monotonous and the marriage empty. He didn’t want it.

“Tetsuro, why would you-?” His hand swiped out, knocking the bowl off the table, a gasp erupting from your mouth. In that moment, all you can think about is to get as far away from him as possible. There is an uncharacteristic bitterness in his eyes, directed towards you as you lie in his line of vision. You flinch as he raises his hand to run fingers through his hair. Without a second thought, he spits his frustration out at you.

“Y/n, I’ve had a long fucking day, and I don’t need you to make it even worse with your constant questioning.” The chair slides back with a scrape, not unlike the scrape of his words against your soul. There is, and always has been, an insecurity bubbling away in you that maybe you aren’t good enough for Tetsuro, maybe he deserves better, maybe you are too overwhelming for the calm male that now stands enraged in front of you.

“You need to learn to shut the fuck up sometimes, because no one wants to listen to your endless whining. I get it, you need constant reassurance that you’re the perfect partner, but I couldn’t be fucking bothered. And you sure aren’t perfect with how clingy you’re being right now. So shut up, and leave me alone.”

Kuroo knocks over a jug of water on his way out, slamming the door over the sound of it shattering as your sobs rack through your body, dry but hard enough to hurt.

Being furious wasn’t a thought that occurred to you, and whether this was his fault made no difference, because it was yourself you blamed when you found him the next day, with his secretary, the bento lunch you had packed him, to resolve the night’s arguments, spilled over the wooden floor, much like the shattered pieces of your heart.

What broke you, was that there was no chase; Tetsuro didn’t come after you, didn’t try to convince you to stay, didn’t try to explain that this was a mistake, didn’t even try to salvage a nine-year long relationship that he tossed out the window of his high-rise office building, not a single second glance back at the spouse that had supported him through his struggles, through thick and through thin, comforting him when things got tough, consoling him as he lost matches, lost money, lost old friends.

Gratitude wasn’t something he had ever considered. You were always there after all, there to ensure that he was happy, that he was content with his unchanging life, the responsibility of being his unpredictable little spark of excitement weighing down on you.

You were gone that night, with hurriedly packed bags, worn out spirit and tears streaming down your face, sparkling as they dripping onto the marbled floor, sparkling like the diamond of your wedding ring that you left behind on the counter top, with one last admiring glance. It was worth a lot, but not enough for what you were being put through. And recognition of that fact is what liberated you, to start your own life, without a Kuroo Tetsuro.

What keeps you up at night?

Y/n. Bubbling laughter and affectionate aura. Everything that was gone, that now made Kuroo’s life… empty; as empty as he had left the relationship, as empty as the void that was once filled with y/n’s warm smiles, that he now attempted to fill with anyone who would throw themselves at him.

A different face to wake up to everyday, but none of them yours, the only one he longed to see, heart aching as though it might burst out of his chest to find its rightful place with you.

The day after you left, he had had no idea that his life would crumble without you, the backbone around which he organized his life, the foundation for his happiness. He knew it was unfair to put the expectation of his functioning on you, but he did it anyway, and without you, he couldn’t wrap his head around the concept that was independence.

“Tetsuro”, his seventh secretary in two months waltzed into the room, carrying a stack of files, discovering him with his head in his hands, glaring up at the one who dared use the name that you had so loving adorned upon him, the word only perfect on your tongue. “Do you want me to spend the night again? You seem tense.”

Kuroo growled, at the audacity they had, suggesting that they were even worth attempting to comfort him like you did. With a swipe of his hands, he knocked the files off the table, standing up to spit his frustrations out at the secretary.

But one glance at the look of apprehension on their face made him buckle, reminding him of the very last night he spent with you, broken jug, bowl of curried rice upside down on the floor. You; cowering from him, frightened of what he would do to you, flinching as he raised his hand.

Dry choking sobs left his mouth, you were afraid of him, the person you had loved more than life itself, given up everything to make happy, and he had never even uttered a word of gratefulness.

Realization engulfed him, leaving him on his knees. He hadn’t shown you how much he loved you, forgetting or simply just ignoring you.

No wonder you were gone, because what was there to stay for, in the dead-end life that you lived, without a loving husband or self-contentment? What had he done? Why had you stayed for so long?

Why had you stayed up all those nights for him?

Tetsuro never could forget about you, the absence of you gnawing away at him, slowly taking over his life. The final straw that broke him irreparably was you, at the national volleyball match that you attended, not for him, but as a sports reporter, beaming in pride in your professional outfit.

Your independence is what did it, because if you could live without him, it mean you would never return. And why should you, after everything he had done, why should you when you had finally found yourself, why should you when there was nothing to return to?

His eyes followed you around, trying to take in as much of you as he could. Interviewing people, smiling at them, the warm smile that was once only for him. Suddenly, your eyes locked, and he froze, standing close enough to see the hurt swim in yours as you lay them upon him, and the moment was over just as quickly as it began.

“Hajime!” What? Why were you yelling out his name, jumping into his arms, fondly glancing up at him with that adoring look, completely forgetting about the one man that had been missing you for so long? Why weren’t you running back to him instantly? Did you not love him?

But Kuroo knew the truth.

You did love him, just, not anymore. He had lost you the second he took you for granted. And he wanted to yell that he would never do it again, come back to him, please just stay with him, he will always love you.

He couldn’t. The beam reaching from end to end of your glowing face, words bubbling over as Iwaizumi held you close, it was too bright to interrupt. The sparkle in your eyes not unlike the diamond that sparkled on your wedding ring, the one he still kept in his pocket, in hope that you would one day, return to him, forgive him, love him again. But-

Kuroo knew that he didn’t keep you up at night anymore.

[myclownjunction]

Karl Heisenberg x Reader Steampunk Love pt1

!!WARNING!! MIGHT GET NSFW LATER SO KIDS ADVERTISING TO STAY AWAY AND FAR AWAY FROM THIS FILTHY AS THE FACTORY OF LORD HEISENBERG BLOG UNLESS YOU'RE 18+

It was a damned day you have prepared yourself so much and in the end this asshole, this jackass has dumped you at this forsaken village. You hated him with your all heart as same as loving him the first time he said that he loved you, you were walking around the streets still shaken from this assholes' words holding your jacked tighter around you, you needed to get the hell out of this village. As you walked closer to the outskirts of the town you saw a rather huge and dark factory that was still working 'Why there's a damn huge factory in this small village, well whatever I need help!' you thought to yourself as you decided to walk in and have your head somewhere else but not with this idiot maybe the owner of this factory will be kind enough to help...big mistake-huge. You walked into it and looked around as you were greeted by the smell of oil, metal scraps, and something metallic a rather huge robot-like was stumbling around as if being broken, you stood like deer in headlights 'What the Hell was that thing?". "I need to get to the door as fast as possible!" you rushed to the factory door as carefully as possible not to make noise avoiding the metal scaps as you closing on the door a rather loud roar made you blood run cold "What the actual FUCK" you screeched adrenaline pumping in your blood as you ran even faster hearing the running behind you "I wanna kill this asshole for putting me through this bloody hell!" you reached the door running through it as you were panting and slammed it shut. You decided to walk inside fastening the locks as the banging at it was loud so were the growls. Walking inside as you decided to stay in one place was a rather dumb idea the factory inside was so huge and monstrous the roar of the machinery, the smell everything was so big that you gawked for a moment but shaking yourself from the trance-like state you cautiously walked from your standing place. The radio static was replaced with a rather deep and gruff voice as if the person was a smoker but it was a rather attractive voice you might say, 'Maybe it's the owner of the factory, how interesting' as you watched the machines turn their gears sweating oil and grease, you somehow were entertained you enjoyed everything connected with the machinery gasping and awing with each new thing you saw in your rather calm walk through the factory as the voice you heard before barking commands now sounded seductive and dangerous aimed at you "Well, well, well what do we have here, what a precious little thing has entered my factory to pay me a visit?!" upon dimming the lights, you gasped looking around frantically as you heard a deep laugh coming from the com you looked up at the siren and licked your lips not aware that there are cameras around the factory as Lord Heisenberg was enjoying your childish awe at this creations. "Who are you Sir?" you asked as sweet as possible, well because you were trespassing and you better be on the good side of this man there was a silent moment before the speaker came to life "Awww but where are my manners. Name's Heisenberg, Lord Heisenberg sweet cheeks!" You smiled and bowed you head, you didn't know he was a Lord "You have an amazing factory Lord Heisenberg it's truly unique!" you chirped out as he laughed through the com entertained by your naivety as you tilted your head the com came to life once more "You know sweet cheeks why not introducing myself in person that would be better I think!" you heard a click and the radio was silent. You stood in one place not moving looking around you as you heard walking on the metal platforms. As you stood he walked on the platform hammer in hand and you felt the buzz, the electricity turning around to face a platform you saw this man his dark glasses, hat, huge hammer and boy he was a sight to behold a true description of Owner of this factory you stared at him gawking making his smile widen in one moment you caught his eyes they were so green like a green emerald and just in one moment there was a flicker of gold you gasped as he smiled and winked at you making you blush and avert your gaze as he walked down ever so slowly. 'Oh boy he's so damn hot, damn look at him he's like damn craft god and his body, Woah Y/N hold the reins you still need help and cover from this thing outside!' you thought as you saw him getting closer leaving the hammer on the ground and tipping his hat towards you "What a nice sight to have beyond all this meat and scarps, so we finally meet!" he smirked, damn you were swooning over him already, like a dog in heat "But!" he paused looking at you up and down "You pumpkin haven't told me your name?" he winked as you blushed like a schoolgirl "My name is  Y/N!" he licked his lips "Such a beautiful name suiting a beautiful creature like you!". "Tell me little pumpkin what let you roll into my big scary factory at nighttime?" you sighed and decided to tell him everything about your ex, about the creatures and the robot that looked like a human, he listened closely considering his plan as he was a man, after all, that Bitch called his "sister" was taking all the maidens into her castle, he needed some fun and you just dropped in time but it was about to change. "Damn poor little one, as I can tell you everything about this village but I believe you'll be scared of me then, you'll judge me as many others did!" you looked at him sadly you didn't want to judge fast enough as you took a step closer to him "Please Lord Heisenberg tell me about it I promise I won't judge you! " he smiled as he was standing facing the wall, he would tell her everything even if after she ran away he wouldn't judge her as he began telling everything about being kidnapped, being tormented, being used as a toy by the Bitch Miranda, you listened every world never interrupting. When he was done he was ready to turn around and see you gone or run away screaming instead, you were sad as you took a step closer to him and said "I'm so sorry for what had happened to you Lord Heisenberg this is so unfair and heartless towards you, no one in the worlds deserves such faith as yours. I am truly sorry you never deserved to through this by yourself! " she smiled as Heisenberg was out of any comeback or anything to say. He exhaled the breath he didn't think he held in and on strange unknown emotion he stepped closer and swept you into his strong hands, you yelped quietly and hugged him back feeling his huge form caging you in the so needed hug after all these years of torment he felt a soul that cared for him! You were enjoying this hug so much his strong body and the heat it was radiating made you feel sleepy and dizzy, he smelled of tobacco,pleasant perfume and a bit of whiskey as you saw with a corner of your eye flying metal parts around you you gasped making him break the hug a bit concerned "Have I pressed you hard pumpkin?" he was panicking not to hurt you as gawked in awe at the flying metal parts earning a loud chuckle from him as he extended his arm his hammer snapped from the wall into it "That's not the only thing I could control!" he winked! He took you to hand as you told him about your love for machinery and building stuff, he has fallen for you that was it he wouldn't let that Bitch Miranda and anyone else lay a finger on you he walked to his room as you were like a little child enjoying everything you say he wanted to admit something he had in his heart for you...

To be continued...

[kpop-zone]

Selfish | Jihyo

Hogwarts AU | Enemies to Lovers | “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this shit. Fuck.”

Wordcount: 3,890

A/N: Sorry if the formatting is weird, but Tumblr won’t let me post anything on my computer, so I had to post this from my phone 😬

“Y/N!”

When Jihyo saw you running through the hallway, she could immediately feel anger seething within her, and she called your name with a sharp tone.

“Oh Jihyo, fancy meeting you here.”

After hearing her voice, you had stopped running abruptly and were now grinning at her sheepishly, pretending like you didn’t know why she was staring you down.

“Stop feigning innocence, Y/N. You’re late. Again! Snape will for sure deduct some points from Gryffindor.”

Jihyo felt like ripping your head off. Of all the Gryffindors you were by far the most reckless one and usually involved when your house lost some points in one way or another. Your favorite activity was to prank Slytherins which always led to particularly hard punishments for your house by Professor Snape, the head of Slytherin. But you just didn’t seem to learn from your mistakes.

“You’re late too though...”

You smirked cheekily, causing her to get even angrier.

“Yeah but I have this opposing to you.”

With her right hand, she pulled out McGonagall’s letter that allowed her to be late for classes if her position as prefect required it and waved it in front of your face.

“That’s unfair.”

You pouted and Jihyo had to suppress her laughter. It was a little unfair indeed. She had simply overslept this morning, but as a prefect, she rarely got punished for anything. But she always told herself that she deserved those benefits. After all, she had to deal with you and your shenanigans almost every day.

“It’s not. I had some...important stuff to do this morning. And now go before we’re even later!”

She lied and you rolled your eyes before starting to run again.

Like expected, both of you arrived late to class and Snape gave you a lecture about the unreliability of Gryffindors for almost fifteen minutes. At the end, he took away some points from Gryffindor with a smug grin tugging on his lips, causing Jihyo to curse you silently. She was sure that Gryffindor had only lost the house cup championships to Slytherin because of you the past years. This year, she had to put a stop to it. Talking with you, however, wasn’t useful. The two of you were in your fifth year already and not once had you listened to her. She had to find another way to keep you in check. The only question was how... The options had thinned out over the years and it seemed like she was only left with one by now. Despite hating you with a passion though, that option seemed to be a little drastic and Jihyo had shied away from pursuing it until now. A fact that changed, however, when she walked into the Gryffindor common room that night.

“That was hilarious...”

“You should have seen Sejoo’s face.”

“I would have never dared to do that.”

Agitated chatter was filling the whole room and Jihyo immediately knew that something bad must have happened; something that most likely was connected with you in some way.

“What happened?”

Jihyo huffed while plopping down next to Jeongyeon on the couch.

“I don’t think you want to know...”

Her friend responded hesitantly and Jihyo buried her face in her hands in desperation.

“Y/N?”

She asked although she already knew the answer to her question.

“Yeah...Let’s just say the incident involved Y/N, Sejoo, the ‘Ossio Dispersimus’ spell and... a 200-points deduction for Gryffindor.”

Hearing the statement of Jeongyeon, Jihyo’s head snapped up and she looked at her classmate bewildered.

“200 POINTS???”

She yelled, causing the surrounding Gryffindors to look at her in shock. But Jihyo couldn’t care less about them. Enough was enough. You could be glad that you weren’t in the room right now, because she was sure that she would kill you if you were standing in front of her in this moment. You had once again ruined the championship for them with your selfishness and she was tired of it. You had to disappear. If you weren’t part of the student body anymore, Gryffindor couldn’t lose points because of you. And there was one easy way to reach that: she needed to get you suspended for the rest of the year and she already knew how.

If there was one person in this school that hated you more than she did, it was Snape. He had tried to get rid of you on several occasions, but your misdeeds had never been severe enough to make him reach his goal. But if she would help a little, she was sure that they could get you out of the way with joined forces. It was a risky scheme, but Jihyo was sure that she could come up with the perfect plan. For two weeks, she martyred her brain to find a way to set you up while protecting her own reputation simultaneously. Coincidentally and much to Jihyo’s chagrin, you didn’t get into any more trouble in those two weeks. On the contrary, you actually stood out for behaving extremely exemplary. You were the first one to appear in every class and the last one to leave because you offered your help to the teachers who often made you stay longer to clean up the classroom. You also didn’t roam around in the hallways anymore after curfew and didn’t even prank the Slytherins. In fact, there were now other Gryffindors that did more mischief than you.

Your good behavior didn’t manage to lift Jihyo’s mood though. If any, it made it worse. Now that she had finally decided to take action against you, you were playing innocent? Of course, her conscience was immediately telling her to stop her plan and to give you another chance. But her brain strongly opposed to that idea. Your good behavior wasn’t enough to erase all the trouble that you had caused the rest of the year. Therefore, she decided to follow through with her plan, even though her bad conscience heavily weighted down on her.

On the due date of her plan, Jihyo went to the library, tightly clasping a letter in her hand while nervously looking around. Being secretive definitely wasn’t her strong suit. As a prefect, she usually advocated honesty and compliance, so everything that she was doing right now went against her principles. She kept telling herself that it was for the good of Gryffindor, but the little voice in her head kept telling her that she was acting out of pure selfishness and it took all of Jihyo’s strength to muffle it. Arriving in the library, she scanned the students and soon found the perfect protagonists of her scheme. There were some first-year Slytherins roaming the aisles, apparently searching for some books to help them solve their Transfiguration homework. Their school supplies were scattered across a table next to one of the huge windows in the library and Jihyo approached it while skimming her letter one more time.

If you want to learn some curses that they don’t teach at school, come to the Forbidden Forest at midnight.

Sincerely,

Y/N L/N

Jihyo cringed at the primitivity of the letter, but she knew that it would work. Slytherins were overachievers with an affinity for illegal activities. They would be too intrigued by the offer to turn it down. After looking around one last time to make sure that no one was watching her, Jihyo dropped the letter on the table of the first years before scurrying off. Her heart was beating out of her chest and she felt like she was close to passing out. She didn’t know how anyone could enjoy going against the rules; she felt absolutely miserable right now. Not being able to be around people any longer, Jihyo wanted to rush off to her dormitory, but before she could leave the library, someone suddenly called her name.

“Jihyo!”

Jihyo didn’t need a second to realize who the voice belonged to and her body froze instantly. Had you caught her red-handed? For a split second, she considered running away, but before she had the chance to, she could already feel your hand on her shoulder. Reluctantly, she turned around with guilt reflecting in her eyes, ready to get yelled at by you.

“Um...I know it’s a little late, but I wanted to apologize to you.”

You mumbled sheepishly and Jihyo’s jaw dropped. That was definitely not what she had expected to hear from you.

“I know that I’m the reason for a lot of your worries and I also know that I took it too far with the incident with Sejoo two weeks back. I’m really sorry about that and I will try my best to make it up to you and the whole house. I’m proud to be a Gryffindor, so I want to make you guys proud in return too from now on.”

You continued while firmly looking into her eyes as if you wanted to convey the seriousness of your words by allowing her a glance into your soul. A glance that Jihyo didn’t want, because she could feel the complete sincerity of your apology and it made her actions even harder to bear. Why did you need to tell her all this now?

“Um...i-it’s a little late for regret now, don’t you think?”

Jihyo stuttered, trying to sound snappish, but her bad conscience forbade her to harm you even more. You didn’t seem to notice the lack of sharpness in her voice though. Instead, you looked like a beaten puppy who was painfully aware of their misdeeds.

“I know and I’m really sorry. I hope you know that this is nothing personal. I’m really grateful that you’re our prefect, no one would be better at this job than you. I’ve never meant to upset you with my actions.”

You smiled sadly, managing to break Jihyo’s heart. What had she done? You didn’t deserve to be suspended and she didn’t deserve your kind words. What person would set somebody up like this? She needed to get that letter back. Panicked, she looked over your shoulder to the table of the first years, but to her sorrow, the Slytherins were nowhere to be seen. They must have left the library already. Looking back at you, she could see that you were anxiously waiting for some kind of response and she would have loved nothing more than to give you the chance to explain yourself. Maybe the two of you had started off on the wrong foot right from the start. But there was no time to talk right now; she needed to get that letter back first.

“I need to go.”

Jihyo exclaimed breathlessly before running out of the library, leaving you behind with a confused expression on your face. Frantically, she ran down the corridor while scanning the passing people. Yellow, blue and red uniforms passed her by but not a single green one.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this shit. FUCK! Where are those little brats??”

She cursed under her breath as she reached the stairs. She had no idea where the Slytherin common room was and even if she did follow another Slytherin student there, she would not know the passwords to enter. Desperately, Jihyo grasped her hair and turned around her own axis. What was she supposed to do now? The castle was too big to find the first years. Panicked, she walked up and down the corridor, trying to think of a way to prevent the fatal consequences of her plan from happening. Her only chance was to stop the first years from going to the Forbidden Forest tonight. If she could intercept the Slytherins on their way to the meeting point, they couldn’t get caught by a preofessor and the letter wouldn’t come into play. It was the only way to make this right.

Therefore, Jihyo reluctantly went to the Gryffindor common room where she waited on the couch in front of the chimney like on pins and needles. The hours passed painfully slow, but after a while one fellow student after the other left the common room to go to bed until Jihyo was the only one left. 11:45, the clock face read, causing her to jump off the couch and to stumble to the exit. Under no circumstances, she could let the first years slip through her fingers; she needed to stop them. Being allowed to roam the hallways after curfew as a prefect, Jihyo didn’t worry about running into any professors and headed straight to the entrance hall where she was just about to open the heavy double doors when they suddenly swung open without her help.

“Oh Ms. Park, I’m glad to meet you here. Look who I’ve found loitering outside.”

Mr. Filch croaked smugly while dragging two of the first years from the library by their robes.

Shit.

Jihyo tried to fake a smile, but on the inside she felt like dying. How was she supposed to change the course of these events now?

“What a lucky catch. Thank you for your assistance, Mr. Filch. I can take them to their head of house.”

She tried to pull the first years to her side, but Mr. Filch tightly clasped their uniforms.

“It’s ok. I will accompany you. I want to propose some punishments.”

He giggled ugly before shoving the scared Slytherins forward. Reluctantly, Jihyo followed them to Professor Snape’s office while martyring her brain to find a solution for this hopeless situation. But there didn’t seem to be one. Before she knew it, Mr. Filch already knocked on the dark oak door to Snape’s office which swung open a second later to reveal the irritated-looking professor.

“What?”

He grumbled and Mr. Filch snickered silently.

“I’ve found two of your students outside. After curfew.”

Mr. Filch put exaggerated emphasis on his last sentence, causing Professor Snape to grunt angrily before motioning all of them to come inside. He looked at the two first years in disgust, making Jihyo wonder why he was the head of Slytherin in the first place.

“P-professor Snape, we can explain.”

One of the Slytherins stuttered anxiously before pulling out Jihyo’s letter from his robe, causing her breath to hitch in her throat. She couldn’t just rip it out of the younger student’s hands and destroy it, right? That would be too suspicious. Instead, she had to watch how Snape took the letter and started reading it grimly before his face lit up suddenly.

“Y/N...”

He mumbled, looking happier than Jihyo had ever seen him before.

“Let’s pay Professor McGonagall a visit.”

Before anyone could disagree with him, Snape already scurried out of the room and the rest of them had to follow him wordlessly. Jihyo didn’t know who looked more miserable right now. The two first years or herself. All of them slouched their shoulders and regret was written all over their faces. Filch and Snape on the other hand resembled two Cheshire cats, especially after bolting into Professor McGonagall’s office.

“Y/N has endangered the lives of two first years. I plead for an immediate suspension.”

Professor Snape blurted out before giving the other professor the chance to process this ambush. Jihyo had never been more distressed in her life to have a plan of hers work out just like she had wanted it to.

“I beg your pardon?”

Professor McGonagall asked confused, causing Snape to snicker in amusement.

“These two students here have willfully been lured into a life-threatening situation by Y/N L/N, your student.”

He repeated himself while handing over Jihyo’s letter. Silently, the head of Gryffindor read the harmful words before sighing in desperation.

“That is a severe delinquency indeed...but I’m sure there must be an explanation for this.”

Professor McGonagall was quick to jump to your defense, causing Jihyo to draw hope that was destroyed a second later though when Snape scoffed dismissively.

“Yes, there is an explanation. Y/N L/N is a danger for this school, or have you forgotten about the incident with Sejoo only two weeks back? As a responsible head of house, I can’t tolerate such behavior.”

He narrowed his eyes and Professor McGonagall straightened up defensively.

“I haven’t forgotten about that, but if I may remind you, it was your student who used a slur about Ms. Park’s decent here that caused this whole incident.”

She bit back while pointing at Jihyo who flinched in surprise. What did Professor McGonagall mean by that?

An unsettling feeling started to form in Jihyo’s stomach, and she gulped thickly. What if everything wasn’t like it had seemed?

“That still doesn’t justify the endangerment of fellow students.”

Snape tried to distract from the misdeeds of his own student, leading to a stare down between the two heads of houses. The tension in the room increased with every second until the door of the office suddenly swung open. Inside came Filch accompanied by you, causing Jihyo’s eyes to widen. She hadn’t even noticed that the caretaker had left the room.

“I’ve taken the liberty to bring L/N in.”

He snickered before shoving you into the room.

You ended up standing next to Jihyo and looked at her nervously.

“W-what is this about?”

You stuttered, trying to sound relaxed although a slight trembling in your voice gave away that your heart had to be pounding in your chest.

“You have been caught red-handed. It’s over.”

Snape grinned while pointing at the letter in Professor McGonagall’s hand. Confused, you frowned, obviously not being able to know what he was talking about.

“Why would you lure them into the Forbidden Forest?”

The head of Gryffindor asked in disappointment and you looked at Jihyo for help.

“I did what?”

The confusion and fright in your voice was unmistakable and Jihyo hung her head in shame.

“Quit playing innocent Y/N. We have all the proof we need!”

Snape yelled causing you to flinch in shock. In reflex, Jihyo immediately grabbed your hand and you squeezed it tightly.

“You’re going down for this! You lured two first years into the Forbidden Forest. They could have died if Mr. Filch wouldn’t have found them in time. I will not let this go until you are suspended for the rest of the year.”

With every word more tears started to pool in your eyes and Jihyo couldn’t manage to avert her gaze from you. You looked so helpless right now and all she wanted to do was to save you from this horrible place.

“I-I don’t know what you are talking about. I have never seen this letter before. Why would I Iure first years into the Forbidden Forest??”

Your voice cracked in desperation, but Snape just kept on accusing you aggressively. After all, you had a history of pranking Slytherins. Jihyo couldn’t imagine how wronged you had to feel right now, and she gently rubbed your hand with her thumb, not knowing whether she was trying to calm you or herself down by doing so. She knew that she could end all this by admitting that it had been her who had left the letter, but despite being a Gryffindor, she wasn’t brave enough to do that. How was she supposed to explain it? How would she be supposed to ever look into your eyes again?

“That’s enough. We’ve understood your point, Professor.”

Professor McGonagall eventually ended Snape’s rant before looking at you with a sad face.

“I see how this incident is out of character for you, Y/N. Nevertheless, I have to agree with Professor Snape, the evidence is overwhelming. Therefore...you are hereby suspended until we can prove your innocence.”

Your jaw dropped, hearing these words from the head of Gryffindor and you looked at Jihyo as if she was your last hope. But she wasn’t strong enough to save you. Instead, she flung her arms around your neck and pulled you against her body.

“I’m so sorry.”

She sobbed, not being able to hold back her own tears anymore. Suddenly, however, she could feel how you started to stroke her back soothingly.

“Hey, it’s ok. This is not your fault.”

You tried to calm her, apparently not suspecting her betrayal in the slightest.

“Y/N, let’s go to your dormitory to get your belongings.”

Professor McGonagall asked you and you pulled away. With a light smile tugging on your lips, you reached out and gently wiped away the tears that were streaming down Jihyo’s cheeks.

“Don’t be sad, your job is actually going to be a lot easier from now on. Although I really would have loved to celebrate our victory in the championship together at the end of the year.”

You chuckled sadly to cheer her up before trying to turn around to leave but Jihyo held on to you and crashed you into her body again. She couldn’t bear to see you cheering her up any longer. Not after what she had done.

“It was me. I wrote the letter.”

She whispered into your ear while new tears streamed down her cheeks.

In disbelief, you separated your bodies and stared at her with betrayal written all over your face, causing her to avert her gaze. Her guilt was squeezing all air out of her lungs and she waited impatiently for you to expose her. This charade was unbearable.

“And here I was thinking that you were starting to like me back... What a foolish thought.”

You chuckled, causing Jihyo’s head to snap up. Slowly, you started to back away from her while grabbing your forehead in disbelief and Jihyo shakily reached out for you.

“Y/N...”

The words in Jihyo’s mind were all jumbled and the only thing she could utter was your name. Why weren’t you yelling at her? Why weren’t you standing up for your innocence? Your calmness and the disappointed look in your face was slowly killing her. She needed you to punish her for her betrayal, but you didn’t show the slightest inclination to do so.

“No, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it.”

You mumbled, still seeming to be dazed due to her confession.

“Y/N, what are you doing? You should expose me...”

Jihyo shook your shoulder lightly, but you only smiled at her.

“Yeah you’re probably right. But I won’t. I could never hurt you like that.”

You shrugged while trying to remove her hand from her shoulder but Jihyo only tightened her grasp.

“What are you talking about, Y/N?”

She furrowed her brow in confusion although the blurry picture in her head was slowly starting to get clearer, revealing a truth that she would have preferred to keep ignoring.

“I genuinely hope that you’re happy now, Jihyo. That’s all I ever wanted. You should look out for Sejoo and his gang though. They don’t like to see a muggle-born in such a powerful position and I don’t know what they will do now that I’m not going to be there anymore.”

With that, you removed her hand from your shoulder and walked up to Professor McGonagall who looked at you apologetically before giving you a sign to leave the room. One last time, you turned around and nothing hurt Jihyo more than to see that the sadness in your eyes still couldn’t manage to erase the affection that reflected in them. She had been so blind all this time...

Who would have thought that she had been the selfish one all along?

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 18

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader   CW: mentions of abuse, throwing up, depression, horrible coping mechanisms, implied sexual references   A/N: Read CW for this chap.

【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】

Chapter 18: Love Isn’t a Magic Potion

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February 14th, 1976

There wasn’t quite another person like James Potter who knew what unrequited love felt like.

After years of harbouring feelings for Lily, making a fool of himself, his failed attempts of trying to impress her; she never seemed to take interest. Lily always sent him disgusted looks, never passing up the opportunity to call him a dirty arrogant toe-rag.

And sure, it phased him sometimes; her words cutting deep, but despite it all, James still believed in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half. His parents were his main inspiration for love. Years — decades they’d been together and still, the love they held for one another, so fierce and unstoppable, it even shocked James at times.

A long time ago, when he truly understood the concept of love, he made a promise that he wouldn’t settle for anything but for the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding his soulmate — his better half.

He wanted all of it. The good days, the bad days, the glitter and sparkles, the cheesy one-liners; long walks on the beach, nursing them back to health after they caught the flu, watching the sunsets, dancing in the rain — even the stupid petty arguments. He wanted all of it.

No matter how long it took to find them, he would; after all, everyone had their person.

Maybe that’s why he chased after Lily for so long — hoping for that romantic love — the love that’s made for movie screens — the type of love that conquered all. But he wouldn’t continue to beat on a dead horse, especially if Lily didn’t want that.

He wouldn’t force her and certainly, he wouldn’t harass her.

But, James would consider himself lucky, he found his friends — they were already his platonic soulmates and he’d go to the ends of the earth for each of them. His parents, the Marauders, Marlene, now Whiskers; he was always surrounded by only the purest amount of love.

He was never a person to cover up his emotions — hardly, that is. He wore his heart proudly on his sleeve, never once letting others dictate his life and the way that he loved. He laid himself bare, open, and there was a beauty to it that words couldn’t describe.

Love truly conquered all, whether it be romantic or platonic.

But to the women that fell in love with Sirius Black, well — there wasn’t quite another group of people like them who knew what unrequited love felt like — not even James ‘Oi, Evans!’ Potter could compare. 

Love is shit.

Love is cruel.

Love is unfair.

Sirius would go on date after date. One fleeting look and soon enough, he had women at his feet, falling for his devilish charm that captivated them in seconds.

They swooned over his chiselled jaw and thick glossy hair; eyes so mysterious with profound, moonlit mirth. The epicanthic folds highlighted his sharp and pointed look that they swore cut through them, searching through the deepest part of their souls.

He was a part or used to be a part of the oldest and most noble Pureblood families in the country. He was rich, of high status, French, could speak five languages and a mischievous bad boy straight out of your classic Muggle film.

Falling in love with Sirius Black was an easy task, so simple and it could happen in a blink of an eye. The realization would come either fast or slow depending on the poor lovesick git who let themselves fall.

But getting Sirius Black to return that affection was an impossible task.

He was raised as a gentleman and would play the part before becoming bored. They were all fillers, the people he dated.

He would admit it, he’s a bit of a dick.

He never fell in love with anyone he’s dated so far — never got past the fancying stage and even then, it was never strong. It never made him feel those butterflies that James described them as. His heart never jumped, never sped up fast, he never felt his skin heat nor did their laugh ever put him into a trance — nothing like what he described them to be like. If anything, he’d always break it off with the girls he found himself getting too comfortable with; always severing it before it became too much.

Although, it technically never was his fault that they fell in love. Most of his admirers like to daydream from afar, or they’d make a promise at the beginning — no strings attached.

Well for them, it did. It almost always ended with strings attached with Sirius holding a pair of shiny scissors at the end of fried thread.

He did not believe in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half.

But that doesn't mean he didn’t want it.

But, above all, Sirius Black considered himself to be a realist. Unlike James, he couldn't — he wouldn’t let himself believe in that shit anymore. Love is disappointing and it does nothing but hurt you, nothing but a filler he used to distract himself with, no matter who it was. Love did not fix his fuck ups nor himself.

All of the adoring admirers, the ones that lined up for him, they would all leave if they caught a glimpse of the worst parts of him. The ugly, nasty parts. He used rage as a means of defence, he pushed the people he loves away, he was moody, dramatic and above all, reckless.

All they wanted was to take, use him for his body — they wouldn’t love him if they knew him. The real him: the ugly side along with the beautiful one he wore. The side that wasn’t always adventurous, daring, bold, brave… happy, go-getting.

Nobody would stay for the ugly part of him.

In that regard, Sirius was unloveable. Completely, utterly unloveable.

Currently, the uglier, caged part of Sirius re-emerged as he writhed around in his bed. Eyes moved rapidly behind eyelids, squinted in pain as he squirmed around, clutching the bed sheets tightly. His head flopped from side to side as he was unable to wake; stuck in a nightmare.

“You mudblood lover —” “Don’t call them that!” “Babies, Regulus, babies!” “It’s killing me to stay.” “CRUCI —”

Sirius woke with a jolt, choking on a strangled scream that clawed at his throat. His mind seemed to be encased in a wordless static, muting him to the noise around him as he felt the rapid, hard thumps against his chest. Distantly, he could feel his body raking in waves as the sticky, cold feeling of his sweat dripped from his temple and down the side of his face. It made his hair stick to his forehead uncomfortably yet somehow, despite the sweating and the overwhelming feeling of heat, he felt ice cold.

He swallowed thickly, sniffingly away the stinging growing behind his eyelids but failed as a few stray tears had already settled on his cheeks. Sirius looked around frantically, meeting the familiar red and gold bed sheets that were now pushed off of him as he sat upright in his bed. Red velvet drapes hung around the sides, pulled together as slivers of bright light sliced through them. It made him squint and focus on the surroundings.

Soon enough, it felt like a weight lifted off his chest, marked in unspoken forgiveness once realizing where he was.

You’re safe, his inner voice spoke firmly, It was just a dream. A dream.

“Wakey, wakey Padfoot!”

He had just enough time to wipe the freshly fallen tears away before James ripped back his curtains, jumping into his bed. He drew a deep sigh, avoiding James’ eyes and trained them to look outside.

Upon the grass and mountains, snow sprinkled on much like sugar over a cake. The distant chirping of birds could be heard singing their usual song, or more like an alarm clock, as they soared high in the sky without a worry in the world.

If only Sirius could be a bird, what a simple life he would lead.

“Fuck you,” groaned Remus, “He might be awake, but I’m not.” His eyes clenched in annoyance, throwing his blanket over his head.

“Well aren’t you lovely? Isn’t he, Sirius?”

“The loveliest,” he managed to grit out, throat groggy and dry.

“Shut up!”

“Okay, calm down big bad wolf.”

“Well,” he mocks James, his voice going an octave higher, “This big bad wolf can maul you.”

James beamed brightly, the ever morning person he was, unaffected by Moony’s response. Instead, he padded his way over to him, shaking him before Remus flipped the covers off his body, tackling him into his bed.

“Do you guys think I should cut my hair?” James managed to get out as he gasped. Remus sprawled out on top of him, pinning him in place as he was being crushed from his weight. “I want to make sure I look good for today.”

“You’re always in need of a trim,” Peter called out.

“You look fine,” Remus added, “Besides, you and scissors are not a good move right now.”

Meanwhile, Sirius’ stomach felt hollow, worry ate at his very being before he felt something rise within his throat. Quickly, swinging his legs over the edge, Sirius made his way to the loo in a rush while James and Remus were both distracted.

Peter was there, rifling through the cabinets with his toothbrush dangling from his lips. “Morning,” he said, not quite looking over to him, “Do we have any more toothpaste? I keep telling Prongs not to use so much…”

“Get out,” he managed to say before shoving Peter out of the door, closing it shut. He barely managed to cast a silencing charm before opening the lid of the toilet seat, throwing up. For the most part, Sirius gagged on air before finally attempting to collect himself, preventing hyperventilation.

Foolishly, even up until that dreaded night, Sirius had an ounce of hope. For what exactly, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was hope that Regulus might have turned out different, or maybe it was hope that he’d finally be accepted, even though he knew that would never be the case — never with parents like Walburga or Orion.

But every time he dared to dream, to hope, he was always quickly reminded why it hurt. Hope was dangerous, a false sense of reality — a taste of what people dreamt and chase for but could never quite grasp.

It was more addicting than any kind of alcohol he drank — or the girls — or pranks.

Eventually, he got up from the floor, jumped in the shower and followed his morning routine before wrapping a towel around himself and stepped out.

Sirius was drying his hair before catching a glimpse of himself in the large mirror in front of the sink.

Sirius had never been insecure about the way he looked. A part of him, the arrogant and narcissistic part of him knew that he looked good and he’d flaunt it. But there were times like today, where he’d look at himself, but feel as if he’s looking at a familiar face that wasn’t his — a monster reflected back.

He wondered if this is what Moony felt like.

For a moment, Sirius let his face rest, allowing the helpless, loitering fear and guilt he felt engrave its way onto the smooth surface of his skin.

The eyes looking back at him today were his father’s, his hair reminded him too much of Regulus, his high cheekbones reminded him of Walburga and the tired, slightly crazed look reminded him of Bellatrix.

A member of the Black family, that's what people saw when they first looked at Sirius, the heir of the most noble and ancient house of Black.

Sirius Orion Black.

Orion Black… Even his name made him want to cry out in rage. Another reminder.

Pushing back his wet hair, he studied the faded scar that disappeared into his hairline.

It was more apparent than ever that Sirius had scars.

But unlike James, whose scars were from happy memories of the Quidditch pitch, or Peter, whose only scars were from chopping chocolate for a fancy baking recipe — and lastly, Remus, whose scars were visible, laid out for everyone to see, Sirius’ scars were invisible.

He wore them day in and day out without anyone ever knowing.

With a blink, he drowned out his thoughts immediately; his dreams, his past, his thoughts were for another time.

He sucked in a breath, clicking the door open.

Remus was the only other person still in the dorm. He stood in front of the mirror, buttoning up his white school shirt before ducking down and grabbed his bag, shoving in books, his wand and any other loose pages of parchment that he assumed was for his little study group.

“Where’s Wormy and James?” He asked, not liking the way his voice sounded wobbly and hoarse. His eyes no longer peered up at his chap, instead looking around the room. Anywhere but his face.

Thankfully, Moony didn’t seem to notice, preoccupied with the now overflowing pile of Valentine gifts and cards on his bedside. He grew frustrated with them with every passing second as they littered his space.

“Accio bin!”

The black bin from across the room flew into Remus’ hand, quickly shoving the letters in but soon a guilty look flashed across his face.

Remus had always been too considerate about their feelings, perhaps Sirius should take a page from his book.

Sirius had a pile accumulating on the carpet beside his trunk; it seemed like more and more people every year were confessing their feelings, but this time, Remus seemed to be getting a lot more along with the rest of the Marauders. But he smiled, happy to know that Remus had been getting some action. He fucking needed it.

“Er — sorry, Pete’s off to Wood’s room to borrow their toothpaste and James —” Remus cut himself off, bringing a hand to the sides of his temples as he moved them in circular motions. “I’m pretty sure Prongs went to find Y/N. Something about finishing a sign or a song for today —”

Sirius bit back a laugh, “A song?”

“I guess he’s fucking Paul McCartney now.”

Remus passed him, disappeared into the loo, giving enough time for Sirius to get dressed.

It was his third dream that week about that night and it was wearing down on him emotionally. He was losing sleep, he wasn’t eating, he was reclining from the Marauders, he was so prone to anger; lashing out, yelling… he didn’t like how he was acting — it reminded him too much of Orion.

And the thought made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to be a monster.

Lost in his depressing thoughts, Remus re-entered the room. But instead of walking up to his bed, Remus halted, looking directly at him before he crossed the room, putting a protective, encouraging hand onto his shoulder. A serious and calculated look crossed his face.

“Do you need anything?” He spoke in a hushed voice, as if he were to speak any louder, the walls might hear.

Sirius felt unexpected annoyance brewing in his chest. Bloody fucking Lupin, of course he knew — using his heightened senses to sniff out his distress.

Unlike Sirius, who hid his emotions, who covered and buried even a sign of weakness, who searched for answers high and low, Remus was so blunt — clear cut with his emotions. He knew just what to say, knew what was happening before others did even if they hadn’t even spoken yet.

He wished his thought process was as clear-cut as Moony’s.

“What do you mean? I’m fine,” he said, faking nonchalance. Jokingly, he prodded Remus’ cheek with his finger, “Turning into Moomy, again?”

His friend did not smile, concern still latched on.

“You know I’m always here for —” Before he could say anything more, Sirius hastily grabbed his bag, slinging over his shoulder, bolting out of the room.

Hiding — running away from his problems — that’s what Sirius was an expert on. And like that, he switched off that part — the ugly, unloveable part of his brain for the day.

When Sirius reached the Great Hall, he wasn’t surprised when a dozen owls bombarded him with letters and chocolates. It brought a sly smile to his lips

What? He did say he was arrogant.

“Looking grand, Black,” Marlene teased as she observed the overflowing amount of cards already in his arms. She ruffled his hair as he was forced to take the seat next to L/N. Marlene turned to chat with Dorcas, who finally was back on her feet and kicking it.

“It’s not even eight and your bag is filled?!” Peter exclaimed, baffled.

A part of Sirius didn’t feel annoyed as he sat beside her. Maybe it was because his main stressor, the Black family, was out of the picture and he’d been desperately trying to control his lash outs, but Sirius was stumped. Since the break, especially after the ‘Muggle’ incident, he found himself tolerating her presence.

Just a bit.

He understood why James, Remus, Lily, Marlene; why everyone took a liking to her.

But he had an inkling as to why.

Although, his mixed feelings towards her were not helping in the slightest as he dealt with the string of recent events in his life.

She was the one that spoke first, which surprised him.

“Ugh —” Y/N fiddled with the hem of her robes, “Kettleburn wants us to switch the Puffeskin between us. I was thinking since we’re in the same house, we could keep it in one of our dorms. I was thinking about keeping it in yours.”

“Why not yours?”

“They liked to hatch in warm places. Your dorm has a fireplace, right? I remember James telling me you had one… And it would make it easier since women can go into the boy’s dorms.”

For some reason, he couldn’t stop himself — he just couldn’t. “I bet you’re trying to get off quick.”                

The accusations did not sit right with her.

For someone like Sirius, someone who dealt with the worst shit imaginable; someone who'd been beaten down, both metaphorically and literally — someone who by the textbook was supposed to curl in on himself — keep to himself, be small, avoid drama, don’t cause arguments — Sirius did anything but that. Everything he did, he made sure to cause a reaction.

“No —”

“Are we about to argue because you want to win, or is it because you want to learn?.”

“You’re so arrogant. I don’t need you for grades. Your brain probably grew twice in size when I turned you into a dog.”

“Didn’t ask.”

“Then why are you replying?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Very creative.”

“Do you ever just shut up?” She snaps. Her face inched closer to his.

Unbeknownst to her, for a second, a second that he’d never admit, Sirius' brain falters. They hadn’t been this close to each other since that day after Kettleburn had assigned their group project. He catches the smell of faint floral — tulips, he thinks. Or maybe vanilla? Books? Tea? He couldn’t place it.

But his heart did a funny thing. It never does a funny thing like that and it concerns him. He wasn’t sick, was he?

Silence lingers.

L/N scoffed, “Well finally, it looks like you have.”

Although, she seems completely unphased by their closeness.

“Huh, you really do shut up.”

He snorts, his brain finally working again. “You nag an awful lot.”

“Well, you —”

“Whiskers. You’re a woman, how do I look?” James asked. He came bouncing up to them across the hall from the entrance. He twirls a little, showing off his outfit. In one hand, he held a sign and a bunch of roses. “Would you fancy me?”

“Dropping hints, are we, Potter?” She smirks playfully, “Anyway, I know you nicked that from Sirius.”

Sirius looked over to him, his head nodding up and down but was surprised that she noticed the difference, “She’s right, that is mine. Maybe that’s why you look so good.” He meant for the remark to come off as a joke, but cringed as the words spewed from his mouth. He sounded like a complete arse. 

James ignores him, “I have everything planned.” Then, he holds up a sign, all in baby pink with hearts dancing across the page as a huge message declaring his affection for Emmeline was written in bold fonts. I looked fairly cheesy, but that was James for you. A romantic at heart.

“Well,” he starts, clearly happy, “Do you like it?! I’ve also got a song written!”

“Remember the last time you wrote someone a —”

Y/N kicked him, hard, under the table, which caused Sirius to look at her sharply before his face turned annoyed again. She hadn’t even glanced his way yet. She continued to calm James down, giving him a pep talk while Sirius would jump in with encouraging words.

“Of course we love it — is it for Lily or —”

James shakes his head and they both knew who he was referring to.

“— Then Emmeline will love it even more! Get the girl, Bambi!”

James smiled triumphantly, sticking his fist out for a fist bump before running off happily towards the Ravenclaw table.

“Y’know,” Y/N starts, talking to Sirius as they both watch as James gets up on the table, preparing to serenade Emmeline in front of the entire Great Hall with a guitar that vaguely looks like Remus’. “You can choose not to be a dick.”

Surprisingly, he laughed, small, but there. And then, he finds himself responding to her comments, “I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.”

Sirius’ eyes widened, feeling his mouth go dry. He bit the inside of his cheek, eyes fluttering shut a couple times. It didn’t help that she smirked at his reaction and it made Sirius feel funny. An odd swoop piddled at the base of his stomach.

“I’ll take that into consideration for later,” he settled on.

Remus and Lily waltzed into the room, both holding small cards of their own. L/N and Sirius shuffled over as much as they could to fit in with both Remus and Lily. 

A part of Sirius’ routine had started incorporating Lily doing his hair. Most often, she did pretty braids or buns — but of course, not without James pouting to him later. He only hoped that with Emmeline’s new presence, James would stop.

“Ooo la-la!” Y/N mocked, swiping one of the cards from Lily and Remus. “You two are popular.” She turned to face Lily.

“It’s n-nothing, really, “Lily stuttered, her head ducking down. But her eyes seemed to look up at her, seemingly in hope of some recognition.

“Don’t be so modest!”

“A-hem!” James’ bostal voice. His foot wobbled on the edge of the table that made them all nervous if he were to fall. He finally concluded his song. Lily looked over and smiled, glad to know that James had finally chosen a different target to annoy.

“Fuckin’ barmy,” Remus muttered out, a hand going to cover his mouth in suspense. His hand travelled down to his chin-stroking his jaw.

“Emmeline, thou beauty —”

“Oh my god,” groaned Remus again, sinking in his seat from the second embarrassment but smiling nevertheless.  

However, Marlene whopped loudly, a large grin on her face.

Lily looked over to the scene, her eyes finding their way back to L/N, Peter paled slightly at the scene, Marlene was howling in laughter along with Sirius.

But much like himself, L/N found herself laughing with them too.

Her laughter rang out, and Sirius found himself drawn to the noise. But what was worse, was that he wanted to hear it again.

And even though he knew that other women and even men were staring at him right now, ready to give him all their affection and attention, Sirius found himself unable to look away from her.

He felt his palms getting sweaty, his heart beat harder, he wanted to sit closer to her and a smile tugged at his lips but he forced it down.

Fuck.

It was almost as the realization hit him there like a thousand tidal waves.

His heart jumped, it sped up fast, he felt his skin heat and her laugh put him into a trance — everything like what James described it to feel like.

If it was what he thought it was, Sirius wasn’t quite pleased with his newfound knowledge. He already had too much shit to deal with and certainly, someone like her was not worth it.

As the thought arose, there was something else that pulled him from these thoughts; it was the very shit that Sirius was dealing with, coming to haunt him again.

Regulus entered the Great Hall and Sirius had the urge to run to the nearest bin again. He hadn’t seen him since that night.

Within seconds, Regulus sensed his gaze and their eyes locked.

He wasn’t proud of Regulus, if anything, Sirius resented him — hated him and his entire body spiked in anger as he stared at him. He chose his path. But he couldn’t help but feel immense, dreadful guilt.

He could’ve done more, been there for him more, talked to him more. There were so many possibilities, so many outcomes and Sirius managed to end up with one of the worst paths imaginable.

He both wanted to scoop him up in his arms, cry — hold onto him tight like how they used to years ago, but the other part also wanted to take a Beater’s bat and swing a Bludger at his head.

His head shook slightly, just enough for Regulus to get the hint.

There was a hard, hopeless expression on Regulus’ face as he seemed to take a sharp inhale, his shoulders slumping within every passing second.

They were from two separate worlds, more evident than ever now. They weren’t brothers, not really.

Two of the brightest stars were torn apart forevermore.

Once the bell rang, Sirius sprang out of his seat and walked down the halls. He dodged owls, letters, chocolates and even a few love potions. There was a familiar void that punched its way through Sirius’ chest.

It was too early for firewhiskey, he couldn’t get knackered, he couldn’t talk to James, not when he was this happy and getting a pack of smokes from Remus — he’d bloody know within seconds what was wrong and call a Marauder's meeting or sort out some intervention for his sanity. Besides, he needed to apologize to Peter for how he acted that morning.

So the next best thing; snogging — a quick shag.

The next girl that tossed a flirtatious wink his way, he immediately approached. She was pale, had brown hair, soft skin and he vaguely recognized her but couldn’t quite place it. They flirted, Sirius would suggest it, she smiled, nodding her head and giving out a breathless sigh as Sirius dove for her lips, walking into the nearest broom closet.

Things were fast, almost a blur. She reached down, fumbling with his buckle before it clanked to the floor; he unbuttoned her top, hoisting her up and pushing them against a wall. She let out soft whimpers and he groaned into her neck.

The sensation, the building pleasure had left as soon as it came, leaving him feeling empty once more. He peeled off the girl, checking if she was alright like every other time. He didn’t know her name, forgetting it, and smiled awkwardly as she dressed.

He watched her leave the broom closet, the door clicking softly behind her. He could hear the faint scuffle of her shoes as she skipped down the hall excitedly. She had gotten what she wanted, a piece of Sirius; the Sirius that he put out — the pretty, nicely packaged Sirius.

Bent down, sinking to the floor, rocking on the balls of his feet, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and his head resting on his knees; emotions pooled through Sirius, attacking his frail heart.

Sirius laughs; it was dry, sad, pathetic, defeated. It was hard enough to hide with smiles, pranks, the random girls, sex, but those happy hormones that he craved, it was never, ever enough.

He couldn't go on like this, he had to fix something because something else was bound to break.

His laughing became strained as the walls of his throat began to close, eyes filling with tears. But now, finally alone, he let them cascade freely as his quiet sobs echoed in the dusty closest.

Love isn’t a magic potion.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

【I hope it was clear in this chapter that in no way am I trying to romanticize Sirius's trauma】

[bloomingnono]

meant it. (part 2)

pairing: jeno x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: ~ 1.7 k

warnings: language (like one curse word akjds)

intro l part 1 l part 2

a/n: im so sorry for the long wait:( i wanted to make sure i did my best, and wrote something i was overall pretty content with! but here’s the second, and final part to “meant it”!! i hope you all enjoy, especially my dear 🍿anonie<3

also not me making major adjustments 5 minutes before posting💀

taglist of my loves: @luvlyjaemin @vera-liscious @lenaluvs

Your bed felt cold. The type of cold that left your body weak. And yet again, you found yourself fighting to let sleep consume you.

You hesitantly turned to your left side, hoping that maybe, this was all just one big nightmare. That maybe when you turned around, he’d be there.

But you were only met with the other side of your bare bed; your lamp casting an amber tinge on your snow-white sheets.

Four weeks had passed since those final words had been exchanged. He had left you broken.

To say you missed him was an understatement.

You longed for the way your heartbeat quickened at his sight. You longed for the way your stomach fluttered as your name effortlessly slipped out of his lips. You longed for his touch; the way his fingers lingered against your skin.

You missed him.

But at what cost? To hear those three empty words leave his mouth?

No. Never again.

It was unfair to Jeno. But most of all, it was unfair to you.

You didn’t deserve to be told such idle lies.

Especially not from the one person you would give up your entire life for.

Jeno was a naive soul; so sincere and trusting of what only met the eye.

Mistakes were a daily occurrence in his life; learning and growing from them as he paved his way through.

.

But the second you left, he knew he had made the biggest mistake yet.

.

On the night when everything ended, there was an inexplainable feeling of void growing within him.

He didn’t have a reason to smile, nor the energy to cry.

Unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, he felt incomplete. It left him numb.

Before he knew it, four weeks had already gone by.

Four weeks since he last held your frame in his grasp. Four weeks since he last saw the face he once fell in love with. Four weeks since he left you utterly broken.

But in those four weeks, Jeno wasn’t living. He was simply existing.

He was merely left in his world; his actions and their consequences, being his sole companion.

He knew it was unfair to continue to lie and prolong the inevitable. But, why did it feel so wrong? It was the right decision to choose... right?

‘To choose.’

It seemed like such a simple action. It was something we did on a daily basis; nearly every second of every day.

Yet it held so much influence.

Jeno had finally realized that now.

Everything in life was purely a choice.

.

Everything.

You lie on your bed, your mind lost in all the bumps and ridges that painted your cream-colored ceiling.

It was late into the night, the moon peeking its way through the slits of your window blinds. The silence was peaceful, yet deafening.

Despite the unsettling aspects of the stillness, you’re ready for it to devour you; yearning for that feeling of tranquility that you haven’t felt in weeks.

But just as you are about to give in, you’re abruptly interrupted by frantic raps on your front door. Jostling up into a sitting position, you force yourself off your bed to check and see who was causing such a fuss.

The knocks on your door persist, not allowing for a single moment of intermission.

Apprehension quickly overtakes your body, frightened at what could possibly cause such actions to befall at this ungodly hour.

You hesitantly grab your doorknob, carefully turning it and opening the door just a fraction of the way.

You are met with a hunched figure; their hands on their knees and their hair damp with —what can only be assumed as— sweat. Their labored breathing leads you to believe they had run here, and hastily at that.

After a few short-lived seconds, you carefully try to assess the situation; fear still coursing throughout your body.

“Can I help you..?”

The figure instantly tenses at your tone, as if taken aback by the sound of your voice.

You watch in confusion as they begin to catch their breath, and stand to their full height. Straining your eyes to try and identify their face, you’re left frozen at the single feature that was recognizable even in pitch darkness.

His eyes.

You instinctively take a step backward, distrusting your vision.

But your presumption reigns true, as the figure tentatively takes a step forward through the doorway; his face now fully illuminated by your foyer light.

.

Lee Jeno.

.

He seemed to be in a terrible state: his hair a mess from the sweat, his clothes violated by the wind, and his breaths still quite uneven.

You attempt to try and form a coherent sentence, but the words seem to die in your throat. You could only look up at him, staring blankly with your mouth hung open.

“Wha... What are you doing here...?”

“I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. Immediately.” His expression was unreadable, yet his tone held the familiar hint of desperation. “I miss you. I want— No. I need you back. Nothing in this world seems right when I’m not with you. I’m not who I am without you. I need you…”

The silence that follows is unbearable.

It takes a few moments for his words to sink in. You feel your eyebrows furrow in confusion, contorting your features into a frown.

But the confusion is quickly replaced with the dreaded feeling of anger. It swiftly fills your entire soul, kindling a flame. The one emotion you tried so hard to repress, viciously engulfs your entire body.

The words that had once died in your throat, quickly resurrect and force their way out of your mouth.

You find your voice again. However, this time, it is nothing but cold and bitter.

“Lee Jeno, I love you. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you, because I am. But you aren’t. And that’s why I let you go.”

The floodgates were finally opened. There was no going back.

“As much as I still loved you, and as much as it killed me to accept that you didn’t return those feelings for me anymore; I let you go. Want to know why? Because your happiness means so much more than my own. I let you go because I love you so fucking much.”

Jeno stares at you with wide eyes, unable to summon a statement that could somehow ease the pain in you eyes. “I-“

“No, listen!!” Your voice begins break, unable to keep your emotions at bay. The words flow out of your mouth quicker than your mind could process. “I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hate you and resent you so badly for everything you put me through, but I couldnt. Because I still fucking love you!!”

The last statement leaves your throat raw. But you persist.

“You really got some nerve, Lee Jeno.” You laugh humorlessly at the pure audacity, before turning back to him with a renewed flame.

“You left me absolutely shattered. And I couldn’t even hate you for it. I refuse to let you hurt me again. I refuse to watch, as the love for me floods out of your eyes again. I REFUSE!!!”

Every last bit of your energy is wasted on your final words as you scream them at the top of your lungs.

The angry tears streaming out of your eyes seem endless. Your whole body trembles with pure fury as you collapse to the floor, legs giving out beneath you.

Jeno instinctively scrambles to your side, supporting your fragile form with his own.

Too weak to fight against his hold, you allow yourself to be braced by him; the touch being all too familiar for your liking.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” You purposely avoid his gaze as you ask, your voice impossibly faint. You’re left completely exhausted; the anger quickly transforming into pure defeat.

There’s a moment of hesitancy. You feel the sharp intake of breath that he takes before the reply is given.

.

“I... love you.”

.

Those three words that you once adored, and now despised... Those three words that had eased all your pain, but now caused your suffering...

Those three words... were no longer hollow.

.

He meant it again.

.

A chill swiftly travels down from the top of your spine to the tip of your toes, leaving you senseless.

He promptly proceeds; the hesitancy in his tone now replaced with a new-found determination.

“I love you. And not because I have to, but because I want to.” Cold fingers gently grip your chin, tilting it up to meet his gaze. “Loving you is not merely a spark. Loving you is not lust or simple desire. Loving you is a commitment. I want to wake up every day, and choose to love you.”

There’s another moment of silence; tears of regret traveling down to drip from the point of his chin.

“I’m so sorry for... everything.” He chokes back a sob as the words get caught in his throat. “I loathe myself for being the cause of all this. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and... and I completely understand if you aren’t willing to forgive me either-“

Before he could finish, you crash your lips onto his; successfully silencing his statement. Tears continue to descend both your guys’ cheeks, unable to subside from the overwhelming sense of comfort that came with being in the others’ warmth again.

You sense a familiar arm snake around your waist, pulling you deeper into the contact. Your own arms loop around his neck, absorbing the touch that you had longed for, so intensely.

You pull away from the kiss, coming face to face with the love of your life.

.

“You have no idea how much I missed feeling those words.” The sentence is muttered, speaking to yourself more than anyone else.

But he heard them nonetheless.

.

You feel his slender fingers encase either side of your face, his cool touch sending a wave of shock throughout your body. Keeping your face steady in his hands, he slowly leans his forehead against yours.

With his eyes closed and without a single waver in his voice, the words slip out again.

.

“I love you.”

.

You soak up the comfort that alluded from such simplicity.

You know that you guys aren’t perfect. Nowhere near it.

But what mattered, was that you were in each other’s hold again.

.

.

Because you loved each other...

.

.

And you meant it.

end.

[webofstories]

Never Hurt You - T.H *TW and Fluff*

~

Summary: Y/N was in an abusive relationship before meeting Tom but never told him. When they get in a fight, Tom realizes that Y/N gets scared of him, and she has to tell him about her past.

~

Warnings: abuse, mentions of abuse, arguments, angst, scars, angry!Tom

~

They forgot how they got to this point. In the midst of the yelling and slamming of doors, they wouldn't be able to tell you what even started the argument.

Tom was convinced he did nothing wrong, and she was trying to explain her feelings. Neither of those things went together.

Tom started doubting whether anything he was saying was actually right or not... but something inside his thick skull just couldn't seem to be bothered to listen to a word she was saying.

"Tom, please!" Y/N yelled, exhausted from the fighting, "Can we just stop? I don't want to fight!"

Her stomach had been tied in knots, feeling like she was about to throw up. Tom was so angry, so frustrated... she didn't want the worst to happen.

"No, Y/N!" He yelled, making you flinch. You were scared, that instinct knowing that Tom wouldn't hurt you was out the door.

"You're being so fucking difficult and unfair about this. Why can't you just see that?!" He yelled once more.

You felt hot tears brimming in your eyes, refusing to allow your lip to quiver. You were scared for him to come closer, scared everytime he moved. Tom was so blinded with anger to notice that you flinched everytime he moved or raised a hand.

Your past relationship was so present in your mind that shooing the thoughts and trauma from it away wasn't possible. Your ex lover hurt you... badly.

Emotionally and physically, everything about this stupid argument with Tom was bringing you back to those times, making you want to cower in the corner.

"I-I'm sorry," your yells had been dying down to mutters, done with the arguing, "I'm just going to go to bed..."

You didn't want to tell Tom about your previous relationship. It was trauma you haven't battled yet, let alone tell another living soul about it. The only people that knew were you, your ex, and the nurse that always helped you when he was done cracking your ribs and . The thought was terrifying.

"No, don't you walk away from me!" He says through gritted teeth, grabbing your arm as you turned your back to him.

You feet couldn't turn around quick enough before he grabbed your arm, not missing a beat as he pulled you into his chest. He rage in his eyes- it was terrifying.

"Don't turn your back on me!" he yells in your face, making you want to do nothing more than disappear.

He back handed you hard enough to fall to the floor, making the side of your face throb. Your heart was racing, you couldn't be anymore aware of his every little movement.

"Please!" You screamed pleadingly, holding your hands out infront of you as if it would stop him, "P-Please, I'm sorry!"

He rolled his eyes, acting like he was going to walk away and just leave you there. Relief washed over you for a second, but quickly crashed down as his boot collided with your stomach, kicking your back into the coffee table.

"You're pathetic."

You screamed and dropped your entire body to the floor, your hands infront of yourself as you hid your face away from Tom's view. Your flashback made your skin crawl and it all felt too real. You're tears were pouring down your face- this wasn't happening.

"I'm sorry!" You quickly yelled, not even knowing what you were apologizing for, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't..."

Your voice trailed off as you broke down into tears on the floor. Tom stood there infront of you, absolutely stunned.

His heart was beating out of control out of the hour long argument and concern for you in this moment. As he looked over your body, it just screamed defense. Like someone was about to beat the crap out of you.

The sound of her tears made his heart stop. He couldn't take it- how did he miss all the signs? He didn't realize he noticed her flinching, her eyes tearing up, and her feet shuffling her further and further away from him as he yelled.

Those were all signs and he ignored them because he was angry? He hated himself.

He didn't know what to do, let alone how to fix this. He was so in shock that it took him a minute to clap back.

Eyes on you, he crouched down to your level, sticking his legs out infront of him as he sat on the floor next to you. You were backed up against the couch, and the sight made his heart hurt incredibly.

"Love?"

His voice was soft now, tender and sweet. You noticed, but felt so embarrassed. Your arms were wrapped around you now, scared to look up from your knees. He sounded like he put 2 and 2 together. You were scared.

"I'm sorry..." you whisper, your voice hoarse.

"You're not the one who should be apologizing." He whispers back, just wishing to see your pretty eyes, yet, he hated when they were filled with tears.

Tom had seen the scars on your body before. He never questioned them, but seeing as you never talked about your ex and you always flinched at a simple touch or movement of a hand, he always had a suspension that your ex hurt you. He didn't know just how badly.

"Those scars on your back..." Tom whispers, wishing he could hold you, "Did he do that?"

Your eyes met his at his word, his heart aching as he took in their red, puffy state. Your cheeks were tear stained and you were breathing heavily, your throat feeling dry. Tom hated himself for triggering this reaction out of you. He hated seeing you cry.

You nodded your head, answering his question without words. It was so hard to talk about. He deserved to know, but you didn't know what to say.

"But... why?" Tom didn't want to pester but he needed answers. He knew there was no excuse for hurting someone. "Who would want to hurt you?"

You felt like your throat was closing up on you. The saddest part was that he never had a reason for hurting you. It was all... natural to him.

"He never needed a reason," your voice croaked, shuffling your feet, "Not drugs, not alcohol, not a mental illness... it was just me."

"That's ridiculous, darling, don't tell yourself that," Tom said sternly, placing a soft hand on your knee, "There's no excuse for what he did. It was nothing that you did, it was his choice."

"But he always got so angry with me-"

"Y/N, listen to me." Tom scoots closer to you, placing you in his lap. It startled you, but he wraps his strong arms around you and you suddenly felt safe.

"Any guy that puts a hand on a woman or anyone else is a waste of creation. He deserves hell for what he's done to you, and there's no reason for him to even hurt a hair on your head." Tom speaks strongly, making you look him in the eye as his thumb caressed your arm.

"You get on everything single one of my nerves and I've never once thought about even flicking you, love. I'd never hurt you, never in a lifetime or more... it just makes me love you more. You mean too much to me to even think about it." he whispers shakily.

Tom had tears in his eyes, your sensitive boy. You smiled at him, tears on your lips as you wiped them away. You cupped Tom's face in your hands and brushed your small thumbs under his eyes gently, caressing the tears off his face. He smiled, leaning into your touch as he closed his eyes. He'd never hurt you.

"I believe you." You whisper, resting your forehead against his.

His hand rubbed your lower back gently, cupping your cheek oh-so-tenderly as he placed the lightest of kisses on your lips.

"I'm sorry for arguing with you and triggering that, pretty girl... I've been frustrated with work and shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry." Tom admits, guilt pinging his heart.

"It's okay," you chuckle a bit, kissing his forehead gently, "It takes two for an argument, so I'm sorry too."

Neither of you said anything else as Tom picked you up and carried you to the bed you shared. With whole hearted intentions, he removed all your clothes, which were tear stained. Lightly touching the scars on your back and stomach, he layed you down and peppered kisses on all of them.

He removed his clothes and slid into bed next to you, doing nothing but holding you close. Nothing else needed to be said, for everything happened that was supposed to happen.

Tom was happy that he knew about your past despite the pent up rage he had inside him for your ex. He'll learn to let it go.

With drooping eyes, you fell asleep with parted lips, facing Tom. He couldn't help but stare at what he had infront of him, letting out a sigh of content as he pulled you closer to his body.

He whispered one last thing before slipping into a peaceful sleep.

"I'd never hurt you..."

He never wanted to lose this.

~