#with a fucking bottle of dasani

[plot-hooks]

A local town's water supply is drying out. Water flow from the local river is running dry and the inhabitants don't know why. Digging wells for groundwater hasn't been very successful.

The townspeople hire the adventurers to investigate.

Should the party venture far enough north, finding a dam and a water bottling facility owned by the Pestle Corporation.

[literallyaflame]

i love when the “it is my god given right to remain miserable and take things personally. fuck you for making a post about the importance of drinking water. a bottle of dasani tried to kill me in the fourth grade” crowd and the “you guys are so stupid. you can actually cure every disease on earth with diet and exercise. no i’m not ‘lucky’ to be in ‘good health,’ i just take care of myself :) i have a superiority complex about this by the way” crowd start arguing. it’s a real unstoppable force v. immovable object situation

[dickarchivist]

Thirsty clones

The clones I can think of right at this second as types of water

Hunter: Fiji bottled water. Prettiest label, good clean taste, belongs on Pabu

Wrecker: dragon fruit vitamin water. Water with a kick, taste great, looks great, fun at parties as well as the office

Echo: Boxed Water. Been through some shit, trapped in a box, but when released, just an absolute delight. Pure and crisp, no plastic taste. Recycled container. Doing its best.

Wolffe: That charcoal infused black water that was a fancy thing a few years ago. Intimidating, dont wanna drink it. Super good when you finally say "fuck it I need to know", and then you drink it and it changes you.

Rex: Aquafina bottled water with the wide mouth cap. Tried and true, ol' reliable. You want water on a roadtrip in the summer, you want hydration, you want Aquafina.

Fives: that purple blue and white Dixie cup with the swoosh pattern full of water cooler water. We all know why. The cup alone sparks joy, we will use the same cup a million times just because we don't want to use another. Because this cup is *our* cup. It doesn't matter the drink inside. It's the vessel.

Hardcase: Tap water. I'm giving Hardcase Tap Water because I don't know what's going on in there, and I typically have to filter his stuff to get what I want, but in certain contexts he's safe to drink.

Tup: hose water. You know there's something wrong in here, but you can't deny that cold hose water is God tier on a childhood summer day.

Tech: reverse osmosis uv light sterilized water that is then run through yet another filter. It has the most science in it.

Crosshair: rain water from a gutter. It was pure at one point, but it's long and hard journey has made it a bad sippy. With proper filtration and treatment, it will be beautiful once again, and it will be happier for it.

Omega: Dasani. Also reliable, the littlest bottle and the big bottle look the same except stretched out. A solid choice for adding flavor packets, can teach that water so much.

Fox: Bottom shelf vodka ran through a Britta pitcher to make it mid to top shelf vodka. It's been a long day of bullshit. Sometimes, the water is a lie.

[whokilledjared]

the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself. (& takes on social media)

Hi.

I'm lonely.

The moment I got "two weeks off school" in sophomore year, life went to 4x speed & I can't turn it off no matter how hard I try.

Maybe COVID-19 adolescence did numbers on me. Somewhere between the iPhone 5c and ChatGPT, 14-hour screen times have live-streamed to me a steady, homogenous death of culture.

Nothing is cool anymore. Nothing is sacred. Every movement is a trend, and every cult classic a sequel.

The value we place on things being beautiful, on being "cool," and our gatekept appreciation of how hard these things were to find: it's been co-opted, or perhaps stolen. It's been stolen by the new merchant class. "Disruptors" and "innovators" turning our lives into a burgeoning black mirror prequel. Soon, we'll graduate too, and we'll wring every morsel of value in each others' lives dry for cash.

Plain and simple, I think we're being manipulated.

Your dates are an algorithm. Your music is a social signal. And Zuck knows when you sleep.*

God. What the fuck are we doing???

“Individuation is becoming the thing which is not the ego, and that is very strange.” — Carl Jung

Recently, I deleted Instagram. My first impulse was to post a story or something, announcing my departure. But then, I thought that would be lame.

I got rid of my account, too. Kinda. Over 1 year, over 800 followers removed, and what remains of me is a little grey icon, and "JM_0000000010" where my name and face used to be.

yay.

There were many people I wish I could have been friends with, but I wonder, too, why I find myself so drawn to the validation of others. Does social media affect me worse, or do we all just choose to ignore it, languishing in private?

At any rate, this last year has almost felt like re-learning how to be a human being.

Personally, I think one of the biggest markers for maturity is when you become willing to disappoint the people you know in favor of what feels right to you, when you start to unravel the stories you’ve told yourself (or been told) about who you are and what you should be. In short, the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself.

And sometimes, I think about every college student that has ever lived. My grandmother, my dad, and so on. Just consider for a moment all kids who graduated before 2010:

What was it like for the ones in 1940? To walk around, before a campus had computers? In 2006: To meet someone pretty, but forget their number? In 1999: To cram into dorms, and watch Seinfeld live on-air?

Would I, like my dad in 1988, have braved cold night, brisk wind, & landline phone-call just to knock and see if my friends were too busy to hang?

What stories could I tell if there was even the slightest chance of getting lost on the way home from a party?

Humans are social creatures. We crave our friends like water. To me, the clearest difference between Dasani and Instagram is that one of them comes in a bottle.

Yet despite these distractions and comforts we have in 2024, somehow, we still have engineering students. People who carve out time in their day to sit down, look at paper, and solve differential equations. But then, that's not so hard, is it? It just takes time. Precious, fucking, time.

At Meta, leagues and leagues of these engineers power behavioral scientists, who are competing for the highest salary. Their benchmarks? Your FOMO. Guilt. Anxiety. Obsession. The worse you feel, the more you engage with their content. The more you engage with their content, well, you're starting to get the point.

Try something for me: Open up Instagram, but don't tap anything. What happens? How many little animations? How many tiny nudges prompting you to get lost? Our home-pages are billion-dollar diving boards, hoisting us over engineered catacombs of subconscious quicksand.

My homepage is my FOMO, my envy, and my crushes. The pain and struggle of trying to be someone who I am not. My little existential crises, bundled-up, packaged, and shipped with a like button.

To abandon your social networks entirely, however, requires a safety net of close friends. After all, your friends are online, and you'd be miserable without them.

This is the problem with our monkey brains. Millennia of sociological natural-selection have made us quite great at feeling terrible. We're damn good at making tribal status games to play with, too.

Seeking refuge in quirked up septum piercings and boygenius listeners, my time in counter-cultural, alternative "scenes" between St. Louis and Tampa has shown me that even the weirdest of folks and the most removed can accidentally find themselves reduced to nothing more than high-school popularity contests. Even if I love them. Even if they're amazing people. We're human.

We can't "quit social media" as much as we can't "quit bottled water" Sure, we can, but it's inconvenient. And even without a bottle, we're still drinking water.

So I lost touch with my friends. I got no new updates on their lives. I forced myself into the inconvenience of not having a phone to reach for in fleeting moments of boredom. Suddenly, I was out of the loop. Suddenly, I was bored. And suddenly, nobody missed me. My only friends were the ones I had the time to text. Everyone else ... does not exist.

Weekends have become more valuable than ever. Without the empty social calories of seeing my friends' pictures, I find myself planning hangouts as often as my schedule allows. I have more lunches, more study sessions, and more is done in the company of less.

And I have the time to breathe.

And in this calm, I think I found my answer: it's my misplaced ambition. These fears of anxiety and people I thought I would miss, they seem represent something I want to see more of within myself. Something I want to develop, lean into more deeply, as an individual. And I think that's quite normal; to look out into the world and feel attracted to things we want to see more of. This is, I think, how everyone develops their own definition of beauty — and of coolness. It's largely the intersection of what we find most interesting, and what we want to see more of in the world. Because beauty and coolness, by definition, are rare and hard to find. If they were everywhere, nothing be beautiful, nor would anything be cool.

When we all turn into wrinkles and cataracts, bad backs and heart attacks, for a brief, glorious moment, our lives are going to flash before our eyes. In this moment, you'll see your story. The ultimate progression of you.

How much of that will be skibidi toilet and reaction clips? How much of that will be arguing on the internet? Can you tell me, just how much of your life will you have skipped over to pacify your intentionally-lowered attention span?

That girl whose number you couldn't find Those passing questions over coffee that you couldn't search on Google The boredom of a subway ride

Those are not inconveniences, they're what the older generations refer to as "life."

* (oh, but if you can't sleep, consider this aside: Google knows the angle you walk at, how fast you're walking, and they've got crowdsourced pictures of everywhere around you at all times of the day. fun bedtime thoughts <3)

[shygirl4991]

For the love of Dasani

so the discord im in we all saw the ep and got really silly about it Spoilers

since SMG4 got the water bottle body pillow i decide wouldn't it be funny to do a fic on SMGsani/ Dasani4 so enjoy this curse xD (Shay shouldnt write fics half asleep)

Four was never one for romance, after all he needed to focus on his channel one slip up and it was all over for him. He sighs feeling blocked on what to make, getting up he decides to head over to SMG3 coffee n bombs to get some coffee. Usually drinking coffee at his ex rival’s place gets his mind straight. He walks in the cafe and gives a wave to Three, given how Four basically lives in the cafe Three already knew what drink to get for him. Four takes a seat waiting for his drink when he notices someone walk in the doors. He blushes as he sees a handsome Disani bottle walk into the cafe,  the bottle walks up to the counter giving their order to Three. Once the bottle sits down Four gets up and dashes to Three “Heeey buddy, pal, chum, amigo!” Three blinks staring at the man “What do you want?” SMG4 gets close to Three and whispers “Who is the tall glass of water?”

Three’s eyes move to the Dasani bottle then back to Four “You mean Disani, they came into town recently. Wait…why do you want to know about Dasani?” he squints at his partner making the man break into a sweat. Giving Three an awkward smile he tries to get suspicion off him “I just know everyone here was surprised!” Three rolled his eyes and waves him off “I dont care just take your drink and if you want to make out with some strange fucking bottle be my guest.” he shoves the coffee into fours hand then pushes him away from the counter. Letting out a shaky breath he walks up to the bottle and smiles “Hey uh i'm SMG4 and you?”  Three watches in the background shaking his head. The bottle turns making splash sounds, Four’s face goes red in awe for how attractive this water bottle was. He points to the chair and smiles “Mind if I take this seat?” the bottle splashes letting him know it was fine. Four sits down and keeps talking with the bottle, he couldn't help giggling at every joke the bottle told.  Seeing how good things were Three decides to help by giving them dessert “On the house for the couple,” he leans close to four “dont fuck it up.” He nods watching Three leave, they both eat the cake getting close with the bottle. Dasani then stands up splashing to let Four know they had to go, Four frowns but then gives a soft smile at the bottle “It was nice knowing you!” the bottle turns surprising Four with a soft kiss on the lips before leaving the cafe. Three chuckles smacking Fours back “Damn you did it, never thought a loser like you could get Dasani  attention. Won't last long, I'm sure a loser like you will chase them away!” SMG4 glares at three before they both go into their usual agreement they do these days to show affection.

[asexualstellar]

i think fish would have really weird ways to insult others but their favorite would be to call their fish friends types of random objects they find in the ocean that shouldn’t be there like “you stole my kelp you fucking piece of shit dasani water bottle looking ass” you know

[wzuplovely]

Boycott Israel

So today I'll be doing soda, beverages, and fast food. note: these were a little harder to research but this website answered all my questions: Cokea motherfucking cola.... this one needs to be banned -the least bad thing they did was a series of top Isreali names on their bottles... not a single one was Arabic even though Israel has a population of over 1.5 million Arabs. - every year they get awards from the American-Israel Chamber of Commerce, meaning they contribute to isralian economy hard. -factories in places illegally occupied by palestine -in 2009 cocacola hosted a reception at the world hq for a warlord Brigadier-General Ben-Eliezer. He was responsible for the execution of 300 Eqyptian pow.

coke also owns simply oj products, minute maid, costa cofee, gold peak tea, smart water, dasani, poweraid, and fairlife dairy products

Starbucks's ex ceo Howard shultz gives money to the Israelian gov/ army. The primary source is hard to find but lots of people point out b.s. -is praised for Israel's public relations success, meaning he supports Israel looking good to the public and he actively an advocate

Mcdonald's ass is giving free meals to the isralian army... enough said -in 2004 an employee in israel was fired for speaking arabic to a customer at work, mcdonalds did not stand up for their worker thus enabled ethnic cleansing

So MATTHEW PATRICK of foodtheory did a test on off brand diet cokes to see which tasted similar to the real deal. His choice of the best alternative was Harris Teeter's brand of soda. Harris teeter is owned by American company Kroger.

Stop buying mcdonalds, opt for local diners, smaller business fastfoods, or BE HEALTHY and eat a mf home cooked meal w no preservative, or a fucking salad

[abiiors]

i fell asleep at 12 last night and just woke up at 11. cock and balls is refreshed. many apologies to my fellow floridian that also knows the struggle of house of blues. for being a lobster. and yeah thats because its on disney property i guess. 5 dollars for a bottle of dasani. gag gag gag. icky icky yuck. worst water ever. and i’ll bitch about it again if i havent already. people were passing out and security refused ti hand any water out while waterparks was on stage. said we had to leave our spots in the pit and go to the bar even though they legally are supposed to hand out water the whole night! -🦞

omg a refreshed cock and balls anon what a rare and welcome sight <33

also dasani's reputation precedes it because i know very little about american brands and stuff but i do know just how hated dasani is (and possibly rancid?? 😭😭)

straight up refusing to hand out water is so????? while people are passing out??? what the actual fuck is wrong with these venues tf!!!

[bulletsgirl]

getting silently fucked up on tito’s in a dasani water bottle in a meeting for an organization that i’m not in is up there with the funniest and most ridiculous things i’ve ever done

[hueningkoi]

My new coworker saw me drinking a Dasani water (I forgot my waterbottle at home rip me) and she was like "did you know Dasani is the only bottled water that DOESN'T freeze?? Makes you wonder what's in it. You shouldn't drink Dasani." And I awkwardly was like "heh uhh mmmokay!" But on the inside I was like dude what the fuck...

[bear-at-the-museum]

huddled in a corner, clutching a bottle of dasani as my coworkers call for my head like we're in the fucking coliseum and my manager, regret shining in his eyes, slowly turns his thumb down

[blondeboyfriend]

I assume you hate Dasani water

Accurate assumption. I don’t fuck with bottled water.

[armoricaroyalty]

👜 for the siblings

assuming you mean roz, freddy, and jacques?

👜 What's always in their bag?

Rosalind: Does not carry her own bag, but she requires someone around her to keep a very particular brand of bottled water on hand. Not a fancy mineral water or setlzer, just regular bottled water, but it has to be a particular brand. I think she might be the only person on the planet who is a Dasani loyalist.

Freddy: Has the ADHD superpower of producing staggering amounts of paper waste. Every bag he's ever carried, from elementary school through adulthood, has a three-inch layer of crumpled-up receipts, gum wrappers, empty mcdonalds bags, whatever. this is especially impressive because he's a fucking prince, day-to-day, he doesn't carry a wallet or pay for anything himself. where do the receipts come from. how is he doing this. why doesn't he throw anything away.

Jacques: Doesn't carry much, but he's always got at least one carabiner somewhere on his person. He's a dude who clips things (his keys?) to his belt. Jacques cancelled for appropriating lesbian culture.

Sims Headcanon Questions -> Accepting

[celestiachan]

ayo FUCK theme parks

the walk from the parking lot to the actual park is excruciatingly long

you get there and the line is even longer

so you wait in line and you walk up to the ticket person and you pay an arm, a leg, and a kidney for tickets and walk in

and you're already kinda tired from walking so long so you walk into a gift shop to buy a bottle of water

and one bottle is US$4

i could buy a meal at mickey d's with that money

and the only water they have is Dasani because of course they're sponsored by coca cola so good tasting water is out of the question unless you wanna sell your other kidney for some smartwater

and by the way, Dasani adds salt to the water so that you get thirsty so you buy more water

anyway you check on the map to see where the thing you came to the theme park for is and it's like ten miles away from the entrance which is another ten miles away from the parking lot

"oh got damb," you think. "at least there will be benches and seating areas on the way to the thing I like so i won't pass out from exhaustion by the time i get there"

guess what chucklenuts

there aren't any fucking bemches

spend your money on shitty water and sit on the scorching hot sidewalk

you finally get to the thing you like after selling all your limbs for soda and water

and you know what happens next?

90 minute wait time

because fuck you

that's why

90 minutes pass. you get on the ride/watch the show/see the attraction/whatever. it is incredibly underwhelming and you have no kidneys or limbs left. fuck you.

[1800ligmaballzhigh]

Dasani Chapter 4

Jesus walks into his house and straight to the fridge. His mother was at the hospital doing brain surgery. She works very long hours. He opens the fridge to find Dasani-chan. “WHAT THE FUCK, How’d you get into my house?!” Jesus exclaimed. “SSHHHhHHhhhhhhhhh…… You don’t want the mice to hear…” Dasani-chan said while shushing Jesus with a carrot. “WHat? There are no mice here.” Jesus said. “Were….” Dasani-chan said. Jesus rushed Dasani into his room before he could do any more damage. 

The two start getting ready for the party. Jesus gave Dasani-chan his Happy Daze shirt. Jesus was quite perplexed as to what to do with Dasani-chan. He was just a water bottle. He had no face. Jesus settled for just sticking some fake eyelashes where he thought Dasani-chan’s eyes should be. “Ermm… do you have any of those little chocolate laxatives? I can feel my wittle tummy grumbling.” Dasani-chan asked shamelessly. “Uuuuuh, No? My mom might…. Um I’ll be right back…..” Jesus said. ‘“What the fuck have I gotten myself into….” Thought Jesus. 

              Jesus came back into the room with Dasani’s laxatives. Dasani somehow ate them despite not having a mouth. “Ok, so listen, I’m not really allowed to have friends over, so you’re gonna have to leave. This was a lie. “Ope okie dolkie uwu.” Dasani-Chan waddled out the door. Dasani-waddled his way the 3 miles down the road to his house and barged through the door. “I’m home mommy wommy!!!!! Tucker Carlson didn’t answer. She was probably busy filming a collab with James Charles or some shit idk.

[rainbowfurbylove]

      Dasni woke up in his bed,  alone. He was a twink with a major obsession with cock and ball torture. He was also a he/him lesbian. He loved getting butt fucked. He wished his crush, would butt fuk him, perchance, mayhaps, even. His crush was Fiji, the most popular water in school. “Erm…” Dasani-chan started flicking his bean. It was suuuuuper small. It's like two inches. “UWU I wish Elijah could see my cock. He’d relate sooooooo much!” Elijah was Dasani-chan’s bestie, uwu. “DESsuSUUUUUUUUUUU” Dasani-chan screamed as he creamed. He also squirted because he's a water bottle. He wanted Fiji to impregnate him. Then he heard his mommy wommy calling him from downstairs. It was feeding time, it was time for him to suckle upon the breast of his creator for sustenance. He also had an e-girl Tumblr. He went downstairs to see his mother with her tits out. His mom is Tucker Carlson by the way. “Come hither my offspring, your nutrition is ready.” Said Tucker Carlson. Dasani-chan crawled to his spawn point and began to greedily suck the tit juice from his mommy. “Now go and get ready for school, you abomination to god.”

Dasani-chan went back up to his room which was the bathroom because he liked to sleep in the bathtub at night and sippy sip on the toilet water when he got thirsty. When he got to his room he put on his maid outfit and his 12-inch platform boots. He then grabbed his bookbag and went outside to the bus stop to wait for his bus. Dasani-chan was a 14-year-old freshman who went to Ligma Balls High School. Or lbhs for short. The atmosphere of the school was kind of depressing tbh. Everyone was still recovering from young Ben shapiro’s suicide. He overdosed on Flinstone’s gummies in the girl’s locker room. The story goes that he cheated on his boyfriend, Jesus, with the high school bad boy scooby doo. Jesus and Ben were the year above Dasani-chan. They never interacted much but Dasani-chan has biology with Jesus. Anyway, Jesus was treated as a god, or the son of god, due to his boyfriend offing himself. There was a portrait of Ben hanging in the cummins of the highschool. It looked really bad. Ben was wearing a pink maid outfit. 

Dasani-chan headed over to his locker. He opened it up and saw Jesus inside. Jesus stepped out from the locker with a somber face. “Uh, hey there baby girl.” Jesus said with finger guns. He flirted with everyone, it was his thing, he was just hot. “Errrrm, how can I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I h-help you, sir?” Dasani-chan stuttered. “I hear you have an A+ in Biology, I was thinking maybe you could help me on a project.” “ERRRRm….” *Dasani-chan shit himself from nervousness, he could feel the liquid shit running down his nonexistent leg*..... “Suuuuure, but I have one request *tips fedora*” “Oh sure anything.” Jesus said with excitement. “I would like you, to be my wingman in my pursuit of the lady gentleman known as Fiji Water.” Dasani-chan said. “Ummmm, aren’t you guys related?” Jesus asked, Dasani-chan gave him a look that shut him up. “Ok, you’ve got a deal” Jesus said. Jesus turned and walked away. You could see the waistband of his Hanes boxers peeking out from his skin-tight black jeans that he could barely walk in. Rumor has it that he used to wear tighty whities but he changed after Ben’s death. He’s just that bitch(tm) now. 

Fast forward to biology class. Dasani-chan sat down in the back of the classroom and proceeded to take a nice long sip of his cumminade. This was a new energy drink that was super popular and hip with the middle schoolers these days. It was made by dream so all these kids were running around screaming “THAT’S WHAT The MASK IS!!! THAT’S WHAT THE POINT OF THE MASK IS.”. Dasani-chan’s little brother, Britta, was obsessed with the Dream smp even though they broke up and are now irrelevant, because dream touched children. 

Jesus strutted over to Dasani-chan and said, “Heeeeey there Baby gourl.” He had to say it like shrek so dasani-chan knew he was kidding. Jesus was too hot for him. Jesus had standards. He is LITERALLY the son of GOD. Rumor has it he stole God’s credit card and bought a dodge hellcat and a bunch of mods. Don’t worry, He’s insured. “S-s-so…. Erm…. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF FOR THIS PROJECT?!?!?!” Dasani-chan yelled/stuttered while he shit himself because he only eats copious amounts of laxative chocolates. “Eww what is that smell?” said Jesus. “O-o-o-oh I just have the runs if you know, you know.” Jesus looked at him disgusted. 

Dasani-chan had already finished his project so Jesus just started copying off of him, but with bigger and better words. Dasani-chan was quite illiterate. “Anyway strawberry shortcake is throwing one of her parties….. Fiji will probably be there. I can get you ready, plus I have all exclusive access to the basement.” said Jesus. “Golly gosh son of god that sounds like a real spectacle!” Said the bottled H2O “Never say some stupid ass shit like that again you fucking dumbass.” “Sorry, I'm just so excited for this party.” “Alright, you can meet me at my place at 4:00 pm tonight so we can start to get ready for the party. My address is 420 analwart cream dr.” “Rightio daddio, I’ll be there in a jiffy.” Dasani-chan jumps out the window and starts running off into the distance. “What the actual fuck is wrong with him?” said Jesus.

Jesus walks into his house and straight to the fridge. His mother was at the hospital doing brain surgery. She works very long hours. He opens the fridge to find Dasani-chan. “WHAT THE FUCK, How’d you get into my house?!” Jesus exclaimed. “SSHHHhHHhhhhhhhhh…… You don’t want the mice to hear…” Dasani-chan said while shushing Jesus with a carrot. “WHat? There are no mice here.” Jesus said. “Were….” Dasani-chan said. Jesus rushed Dasani into his room before he could do any more damage. 

The two start getting ready for the party. Jesus gave Dasani-chan his Happy Daze shirt. Jesus was quite perplexed as to what to do with Dasani-chan. He was just a water bottle. He had no face. Jesus settled for just sticking some fake eyelashes where he thought Dasani-chan’s eyes should be. “Ermm… do you have any of those little chocolate laxatives? I can feel my wittle tummy grumbling.” Dasani-chan asked shamelessly. “Uuuuuh, No? My mom might…. Um I’ll be right back…..” Jesus said. ‘“What the fuck have I gotten myself into….” Thought Jesus. 

              Jesus came back into the room with Dasani’s laxatives. Dasani somehow ate them despite not having a mouth. “Ok, so listen, I’m not really allowed to have friends over, so you’re gonna have to leave. This was a lie. “Ope okie dolkie uwu. Dasani-Chan waddled out the door. Dasani-waddled his way the 3 miles down the road to his house and barged through the door. “I’m home mommy wommy!!!!! Tucker Carlson didn’t answer. She was probably busy filming a collab with James Charles or some shit idk.

Dasani-chan waddled into his room, leaving a trail of liquid shit behind him. He went in his room and chugged a bucket of his own homemade cumminade. He then spent the rest of the time until the party rewatching Ron Desantis cock and ball torture porn. A few hours later, it was time for Dasani-chan to leave. He waddled out the door, layed on his side, and started rolling on down the street. 

Dasani-chan was able to sneak passed the security at the party. The first thing he did once he was on the inside was locate the bathroom. He raided the bathroom of any and all laxatives, chocolate or not. He was a hungry lesbian. He then made his way out to the dance floor and started busting it down sexual style. Dasani-chan noticed that Jesus had arrived, and tried to fight his way through the crowed to go see him, he was unsuccessful. It was at that moment he noticed his crush, Fiji-senpai, dancing in a corner. Dasani-waddled his way over to him, with a shit eating grin on his face. 

Fiji noticed him and tried to get away,  but Dasani-chan managed to corner him. “H-h-hey there daddy waddy!!!” he said. Fiji looked at him in horror. “Would you like to come dance with whittle old meeehhhh?!?!?!” Dasani-chan asked, in his anime voice. “Ummm I think I’m good, thanks tho.” Fiji answered with a look of disgust on his face. Dasani-chan then proceeded to start rolling around on the floor crying while screaming “PWEEEAASE DANCE WITH ME UWUWU!!!!”. People started to look over. “Hey there bro, what’s good?” Jesus was standing over Dasani-chan. “You know this loser?” Fiji asked Jesus. Jesus leaned in and whispered something to Fiji. Fiji looked back down at Dasani-chan and said,”Fine, I’ll dance with you, but only if you shut tf up.” Dasani looked up at him, with Tears in his eyes, and smiled. “Weeeally????” Fiji looked to Jesus for help but he was nowhere to be found. Dasani-chan and Fiji then started waddling around in circles, the closest thing to a slow dance. Dasani-chan was so excited. He could feel his two-inch member growing. He started making small anime girl moans. He then felt the warm, arousing, feeling of shit running down his non-existent pant leg. As the shit hit the floor, He shot a load of his baby batter onto the floor, right in front of Fiji-senpai. Someone in the room started screaming, and the rest of the room followed suit. “Oooopsi poopsie dooopsi…I made a poopoo mess on the ground. UWU!!!!.” Dasani-chan said. Fiji-senpai then looked at him, paused, and then smirked. “Hey, that was kind of hot, how about we go somewhere more private?”. Fiji then led Dasani-chan upstairs to one of the bedrooms.

They went upstairs to the master bedroom. Fiji-senpai looked down at Dasnsin-chan’s shit-covered cock. It was throbbing and pulsating with excitement. Fiji-senpai then took his tiny dick, which was about the length of his tongue, and put it in his mouth. His shit tasted like a colonoscopy. He licked Dasani-chan’s dick cleaner than a Mexican lady could clean a house.

Dasani’s cock was so small, smaller than your average white man’s cock. You see, Dasani-chan suffered from ED. Also known as erectile dysfunction. Even when it was hard it was somehow still soft and flaccid and cold. It was very sad. Fiji-senpai then rolled Dasani-chan over and just started pounding away at his plastic bubble butt. Dasani-chan had an absolute DUMPY. He actually had a Brazilian butt lift when he was 7 years old. Shortly after that Fiji-chan came in his ass. 

After that absolute monstrosity of a scene, The pair went their separate ways. 

(In SpongeBob narrator's voice) Two Weeks LATER………

Dasani was walking through the halls of Ligma Ballz High, when he felt a rumbling in his tummy. He thought he was just having his normal day to day runs, but something was off. He was walking right in front of Ben Shapiro’s portrait, when a log of shit flew out of his ass, and hit the painting. Then something fell out of the ball of shit. It was a child. Dasani-chan decided to name it Aqualfina. He then shoved it in his backpack, and took it to class to show everyone. 

 In class

The health class teacher, Ms. Samsung WF45R6100AV Washer & Dve45r6100v Electric Dryer Front Load called everyone for their presentations on rabies. When it was Dasani’s turn, he enthusiastically bounced (fell?) off his seat with his bag that was leaking of shit and blood. He walked in front of the class. “Before I-I-I do my presentwation,” 

Danasi opens his zipper and dumps the  Aqualfina looked dehydrated, its watery insides evaporating in the 100 degree classroom. “He’ mwa new child!” Dasani squealed as he bounced up and down as the class looked at the snack-sized bloody child in disgust. Jesus smacked his face. “Why do I know this dumbass?”

“WHaT DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RABIES?!?” Ms. Samsung WF45R6100AV Washer & Dve45r6100v Electric Dryer Front Load buzzed.

“H-h-h-h-h-h-h-he’s mwa favorite kind of rabies~” Dasani said as he gave Ms. Samsung WF45R6100AV Washer & Dve45r6100v Electric Dryer Front Load puppy eyes. Ms. Samsung WF45R6100AV Washer & Dve45r6100v Electric Dryer Front Load goes into heavy load and explodes it’s insides with sheer irrational teacher anger.

“DeTeNTION!” 

Dasani rolled on the ground, whining. “But wwhhhyyyy?”

After about fifteen minutes of that debauchery, Dasani just flung himself out the window, and rolled down the street, where he jumped through the window of the Spanish room.