#wow this is fucking depressing! i might start crying at school actually.

[occult-roommates]

Lügner, Lügnerin

Back at Audrey’s place, Dawud brushed his teeth, as he was getting ready to go to bed. However, upon hearing his best friend cry in her bedroom, he had to make sure everything’s ok in there.

Audrey: I’m so scared, what if aliens literally don’t like me...Oh my god, what if aliens are racist? Dawud: Hey, don’t worry. One of my roommates is an alien and they’re very much in love with black Earthling women. Audrey: ...Dav...What are you even talking about?  Dawud: Look, Audrey, in theory I’m supposed to keep it a secret, but that’s the truth, and I’ve been wanting to tell you for months. One of my roommates is an alien, I am not joking. Their name is Kino Gurafee and- Audrey: Kino? Dawud, you’re making this up. It’s literally the German word for movie theater. Like, I remember back in high school we did a project for German class where had to talk about, and I still remember this sentence verbatim years later from how hard we memorized this project; der letzte Film den wir im Kino gesehen haben. In fact, Kino Gurafee sounds like a play on cinematography. Dawud: Why would I make a play on cinematography out of all the words on the planet? Audrey, if I was messing with you, I would have name the alien something like Diese Nawtz or Uar Mome. Audrey: I also remember while we were doing that project back that you got fixated on the word Kinematographie and would repeat it on loop for months on end.

Dawud had no memory of this category 5 echolalia event, but now that she mentions it, yeah, it did happen. Damn, that girl memory might actually be way too efficient for her own good. Anyway, he started arguing with her that no, he’s not lying, he does indeed live with an alien and then...she slapped him, out of nowhere.

Dawud: What the fuck Audrey! Audrey: Look, I might be an autistic girly girly girl, I might love pink and have an actual unicorn decal on my wall and be obsessed with aliens, but I’m still a grown ass woman. Don’t start telling me very obvious lie in order to make me feel better like you’d do to a child! Dawud: Alright! Yes, I’m lying! You’re happy now!

Well, he did not sound convincing at all. But instead of pissing off Audrey even more, it just made her regret slapping him, it was obvious enough he was hurt, not just physically but emotionally. 

Audrey: D-Dav I’m so sorry. Dawud: I’m so tired of lies. Like, earlier this month, I freaked out at Daniele and my pilot friend from work cause Dan told me he made out with him. And in hindsight I feel so stupid for not realizing it right away. It was so obviously fake. I hate lying actually, make me feel bad. Audrey: Wow, go tell that to your mother, who you pretended you were still in school for more than a year when in actuality for most of that time you were a depressed NEET sleeping on my couch. Dawud: Ok, yes that was messed up, but you thought I was happy and comfortable living a lie? In fact, while she knows the truth now, I’m pretty sure it strained our relationship by a lot, which really fucking hurt. She might never trust me ever again after that. Ever since, I try to be as honest as possible. Audrey: Thank god cause that whole alien roommate thing shows you’re a pretty bad liar actually when you’re in front of the person. At least you got away with lying to your mom by avoiding her for a whole 18 months. Dawud: I’m not even good in telling when people are lying. Like that whole body language thing sounds like bullshit honestly...That or I might be autistic too, I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have enough traits to qualify, but I wonder pretty often. Audrey: I mean, I’ve been suspecting it too...And so does my mom...Your mom knows but she doesn’t believe it. Dawud: What?? Audrey: Yeah, back in 5th grade when I got diagnosed, my mom noticed you also fit a lot of the criteria, so she told your mom and she kinda denied it cause admitting it would “put your future in jeopardy”. Also it was around the time your father’s died so you were under a lot of stress already, and you were being bullied a lot to begin with. That would just have put even more weight on your shoulders. Dawud: I don’t even understand why I was being bullied so much back in elementary school! I mean, I don’t think it was that obvious I would grow up to be queer and I only got fat during puberty. Audrey: Well, you are from an Iraqi family and it was the 2000s...

Oh, ok that was a lot to take in on a Saturday morning at 4 am. Well, assuming he indeed is, that would...explain a lot. Yeah, getting diagnosed in 5th grade would have put a lot of weight on his shoulders, but so is being an undiagnosed adult who is trying to make it into this world as if nothing is wrong. Also, funny his mom didn’t want to get him diagnosed cause it would put his future in jeopardy, but in the end Audrey ended up a fine mostly functional adult and he’s just been all over the place in recent years...Sometime he wasn’t even all over the place, he was just straight up in a dark place.

Audrey: Though, let’s say, considering we’ve been the best of friends since kindergarten, I know it’s because we were next door neighbours and our parents were friends, but like...Ok, it’s ironic cause I’m about to use an idiom, but you know, birds of a feather fuck together. Dawud: ...Don’t you mean flock together??? Audrey: I mean...they can fuck too...If you know what I mean. Dawud: No, in fact I don’t.

Whelp, Audrey don’t know what she expected.

It all started because Audrey wanted to see a flying saucer, and now he’s finding out something new about himself. I mean, it’s not 100% confirmed, but it seems pretty likely. Much to process and think about as he’s trying to fall asleep at 4:30 in the morning.

Prev - Next

[levis-hazelnut]

Levi x Reader Broken Trust (Modern AU)

summary: you and your best friend of thirteen years get into a fight that threatens the end of your friendship because of some people that decided to spread some rumours.

As I absentmindedly munched on my breakfast - that I had to eat quickly or I would be late for university - my parents and siblings, who also had work and school, glanced at me because there was anguish written on my visage. However, I had no idea that they were looking at me with concern.

And the reason I was so distressed? Tch. Don't even get started on that. All you need to know is that my jerk of a friend might not be my friend anymore. Even though we've been friends for thirteen fucking years. And I've always been there for him. And I've always cherished him. And-- I need to stop because I'll probably burst into tears, and I do not need that first thing in the morning.

Though, when I looked up and saw my family's expressions, I knew that I was already crying, and it became even more obvious when something dropped onto the table with a tap. Even if I wasn't crying, they had been giving me those looks for the whole week as if I was some beaten puppy. "... Sweetheart--" my mother spoke, but I cut her off by lifting my hand, not wanting her to pity me. Yes, it was quite rude to cut her off like that, but I couldn't stay in that kitchen anymore. I abruptly stood up and grabbed my bag that had everything I needed before I quickly left the house, roughly wiping my face. Soon, I didn't know if it was tears or rain that resided on my skin. Whatever it was, I wasn't able to get rid of it, so I decided to fish my umbrella out of my backpack as I walked to the bus stop. To be honest, this was probably like the tenth time I cried in the past week or so, but those other times were in the safety of my bedroom. And since I've got the time, I might as well explain what happened. Levi Ackerman - my best friend of thirteen years. Damn, just the thought of his name makes me want to cry. Anyway... Last week, we got into a massive argument. We've definitely argued before, although, we would always make up after a day, maybe two. However, this time, we haven't even looked at each other since, even though we share the same lectures. And before our argument, we had a shared apartment. But, of course, I wouldn't be able to live with him after something like that.

That shit was like something out of a movie. It broke me. I've never been this depressed before. I just want to go back to him. I want him to hug me after we apologise to each other, and I want him to tell me that everything's fine, so I don't need to cry. Maybe he'll even ruffle my hair with that soft smile only I get to see on his lips. I'm sure you can guess that I've fallen for my best friend. But like, how could I not? His gorgeous, grey eyes; his cute, boopable nose; his silky, jet-black hair; his skin, like damn, it's smooth as fuck; his thin, usually downturned lips. And his jawline, girl, his jawline - it looks sharper than any sword.

And then, there's his personality that may not attract others, but to me, he's hella attractive in every way possible. But that's probably because he shows me a gentle side of him. Also, so what if he's short? I love that because it makes him adorable (which is a word that doesn't suit him, in his opinion). Wow, I get distracted easily. I was meant to be explaining what happened. So, the reason behind our argument? Some dumbshit decided to spread rumours about me, and Levi had believed them. The rumours? I don't even want to say it because it's so disgusting and awful. How would he even think that I would say something like that? It was that I apparently actually hate Levi because he's a boring, cold-hearted person, but I only pretend to be his friend because I pity him for being poor and an orphan. However, apparently, I'm now getting tired of having to hang out with him and don't know what to do. Like bitch, I would never do that. It makes me sick to think that people would spread something like that. And the fact Levi believed the shit people were saying shatters my heart. He's known me for more than half of my life, and he thinks I've been friends with him for that reason? I don't give a fuck about your background, if you're rich or poor, if you had a bad upbringing, whatever the fuck is wrong. I don't care. I'll love my friends till death do us apart. I wish I could have some kind of ceremony to show how much I love every single one of my friends and say some vows like: 'For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. And whatever else you say... because that's honestly how I feel. To be honest, I don't even know who I'm angry with, so when the argument ensued, I was defending myself at first, but then I got angry at the raven for being a fucking idiot and for losing his trust in me. So, the argument was basically him being heartbroken and yelling (which is something he rarely does. The last arguments, he had never shouted, only raised his voice a little), me crying and trying to convince him that the rumours are fake, him yelling more, and then, me getting mad and yelling back. I'm angry with the little fuckers that made up the rumour (I still have no idea who started them. Oh, but when I do, they're going to wake up breathing through a tube). But I'm also angry with Levi for trusting the words of someone he's never spoken to, instead of me. Please, all I want is Levi Ackerman. I don't care if he never reciprocates my feelings, I just need him with me. I only want his voice, his hugs, his smiles, his face. I'll watch him fall in love with someone else, and get married, and live happily ever after with whoever. Just please, give me back my Levi. "Hey, (Y/N)! Wait up!" a voice called, causing me to knock out of my thoughts. I hadn't even realised when I got on the bus, when I got off the bus, and when I had walked into the building. "Oh, hi, Sasha and Mikasa," I greeted, no expression revealing itself on my face. All three of us wandered around and conversed, seeing as how we still had a few minutes before lectures start. Sasha and I shared lectures, but Mikasa had different ones. So, we parted and made our way to our own lecture halls, which is when Sasha decided to ask me a certain question. "Have you spoken to Levi yet?" "No..." "You should. Soon." "I want to. But, he obviously doesn't want anything to do with me anymore." "Have you tried talking to him?" "Yes, for god's sake. I've tried, but he avoids me, ignores me, doesn't even look at me. It honestly pains me every time. I just wish someone would tell him that it was all a lie because I would never do something like that." "We've tried to. He doesn't believe us, or even want to talk to us either." "Who's 'we'?" "Me, Mikasa, Eren, Jean, Connie, Armin. I think Armin was probably the closest to convincing him that the rumours were a lie." "That's expected of him," I murmured with a small smile. It felt nice to smile again after several days, and the reason was that I realised how much my

friends care about me and would try to make me happy by attempting to get me and Levi talking again. "Anyway, let's talk later because we need to concentrate on the lecture," I whispered when we settled down and our professor - Hanji Zoë - had entered. Sasha nodded and we both averted our attention. However, my mind was absent of the knowledge our professor was telling us since my eyes were on the back of the raven's head. He sat a couple of rows in front of us, next to Eld and Gunther.

"Get the hell out of here!" Levi shouted, a vein popping on his forehead. "I don't want to see your fucking face again!" "Hear me out, please," I begged, clinging onto the back of his shirt when he turned away from me. He yanked himself out of my grip and still refused to face me. "... How the fuck did I trust you all these years?" he muttered, melancholy eyes glancing down at the floor. It broke my heart to see him like this. To see a crystal tear roll down his cheek. "Is that what you really think? That I'm just some shitty orphan who bothers you?" "No, Levi, you don't und--" I spoke as I felt tears brimming my eyes. "Don't even fucking say my name," he growled, shooting me the darkest glare I've ever seen. "Please, listen to me," I pleaded, the tears finally streaming down my face. "I don't give a shit about what you have to say for yourself! You hate me so stop fucking crying as if you're the one in pain!" "Levi--" "Just shut the hell up and leave...! I can't believe that I've wasted my time with you. How could you do this to me, (Y/N)?" he asked, his voice sounding like the most depressing thing I've heard in my nineteen years. But I didn't bother feeling guilty anymore. He was pissing me off. "For fuck's sake! I didn't do shit!! Some idiots decided to make that up and spread it! And you're being an idiot for listening to them, instead of listening to me - someone you've been friends with for thirteen years!" "Don't call me your friend! You fucking betrayed me!! I thought we would last longer than thirteen years, but maybe not since you don't want anything to do with me!" "If I don't want anything to do with you, why would I try to fix things?!" "Maybe because you pity me for 'being poor and an orphan'!" "Fucking hell, I never said that! You know I would never do something like that!!" "I don't even know if I know who you truly are..." Shit, why did that pop into my mind now of all times?

I don't even want to finish off that memory since it just gets uglier with him shedding a few tears and screaming some more, and then, me leaving the apartment with tears sprinkling out of my eyes.

God, his words shred my heart into confetti every time I remember what he said. Every word he said just crushes me into a crying mess. But, right now, I was in a lecture so I had to hold back the tears with everything I had. After what seemed like a millennium, the lecture finally ended. I was about to pack my things away when I noticed my professor's eyes on me with a sly smirk. I slightly furrowed my brows in confusion. What was she doing and thinking? Hanji was that kind of professor who was familiar with the students and students wouldn't mind talking to her about personal things because she acted like she was one of us and would give us advice on things. And she most likely knew about the rumours that spread. But I don't get why she was looking at me like that. Then she spoke... we all had a project to do for the next two weeks, and we have to do it in pairs. And the worst part about it? She's already picked the pairs, instead of letting us choose, and it's non-negotiable so no one would be able to change their partner. Before she had announced that she chose for us, I wanted to do it with Sasha, though, she just wanted me to go through hell by assigning Sasha with Connie. Those two aren't going to get anything done together! Gosh, why can't we choose our partners ourselves? We aren't some kids that will pair up with people we'll mess around with. We're mature adults. Apart from a few. As she announced the different pairs, I was too busy having a mental rant. That is, however, until I heard my name being called. And then, Levi Ackerman was uttered right after.

This bitch, was my first thought. That's why she was smirking. As much as I want to talk to Levi, I'm still angry at him. And I don't want to talk to him until he realises that he was being stupid for believing other people. "That's great! Now, you can make up with Levi," Sasha grinned and I shot her a glare. "What, don't you want to make up with him?" "I do, but not like this." "What do you mean?" "It's going to be awkward and forced. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well." "Oh, come on! It'll be fine. Anyway, let's head to our next lecture." I huffed and nodded, packing my things away and following Sasha out of the hall, which is when Connie had caught up with us. There was something suspicious going on... Sasha didn't seem shocked when Hanji had announced me and Levi would have to work together. And it's too coincidental to be an actual coincident. Did Sasha tell our professor to purposely pair us together? No, she wouldn't do something sly like that. But, what if she and my other friends planned it? No, they wouldn't go that far so me and Levi would make up. But, what if they did? "... Hey, Sasha?" I spoke slowly, breaking her conversation with Connie. "Yeah?" "I have a question. It's for you as well, Connie." "What?" they asked in unison. "Did you tell our professor to pair me and Levi up? Is there even a project to do, or did she make that up?" They both laughed at your inquiry like you were an idiot. "You think we would do something like that?" "Yes..." "We aren't that smart to come up with a plan like that." "Then, maybe it was Mikasa or someone else?" "I don't know, (Y/N). I don't think anyone planned this. It's purely coincidental." I reluctantly believed them, still suspicious of them. But that soon faded when they appeared to behave normally - being stupid and messing around, even as we entered the lecture hall. All I want is for this day to be over, seeing as how it's Friday, meaning I can just relax after this. ~/~ I laid on my bed, on my stomach as I pressed my phone to my ear, talking to Mikasa. "I understand why you would think that, but we have nothing to do with the project you're going to have to do with Levi." "... What am I meant to do?" I asked her. "I kind of don't want to talk to him anymore." "(Y/N), no, don't do this. You've been wanting to talk to him this whole time, don't back out now." "But, what if this makes our friendship worse?" "It won't. You two just need to talk everything out. And even though you have nothing to apologise for, just say you're sorry." "I do have to apologise. I made him cry and I shouted at him. He was so heartbroken." "That's not your fault. Whatever idiots spread the rumour are the ones that caused him to cry and get upset. And obviously, if he was yelling, you would yell back." "I know, but I still feel guilty in some way." "For now, just take your mind off of him and everything because I know you would break down if you thought about the argument. Do work if you have something to do, take a bath, cook, I don't know. Just do something to distract you, and then, after the weekend, you can worry about the project." I smiled. "Thank you, Mikasa." "You don't need to thank me for anything. I'll see you on Monday at uni." "Yeah, okay. Bye." She hung up and I stared at the home screen of the device that I clutched before I heard the call of my name from downstairs. It was my father calling me for dinner.

I left my phone on my bed and got up, leaving my room to go down to the kitchen. My eyes clashed with ones that all had a similar colour to mine as I got some food and joined my family at the table. They noticed that I didn't seem too distressed like I was this morning, but I still have a trace of worry. Nevertheless, they haven't asked me about the details - either because I was holed up in my room most of the time, or because they didn't want to burden me. All they know is that I had gotten into an argument with Levi, but nothing else. ~/~ It was Monday after uni ended, and I was walking with Mikasa. However, instead of going in the direction of my house, I had stopped and faced the female. "Hey, I'm not going to my parents' house," I muttered. "I'm going to... my apartment. Levi's apartment." "Are you sure? Do want me to come with you?" "No, it's fine. I just decided to go there since I know he wouldn't come to me about the assignment." "... Okay. Good luck, (Y/N)." "Thanks. Though, I feel like the first thing we're going to do is argue." "It'll be fine. Maybe try not to bring up the fight." "That's going to be difficult, but yeah, I'm going to try. I'll see you tomorrow, Mikasa." "Bye." I left with a small wave and smile, taking a deep breath as I continued my journey. As I walked there, I wondered if I should use my key or ring the buzzer. In the end, I decided to ring the buzzer; first, to see if he was home, and second, to see if he would let me in. After about ten minutes of walking, I was outside the apartment complex, inhaling and exhaling once again. And without a second thought, I pressed it and waited for a response.

"Hello?" he spoke through the intercom. Damn, I missed him more than I thought. "Um, hey... It's (Y/N)." "..." I know he didn't hang up because I could still hear the quiet static and very faint breathing.

It was quiet for maybe half a minute and I was going to speak up again, but I heard the sound of the main door unlocking, allowing me to enter the building. I went up the stairs to the first floor, approaching the door of our apartment. Seconds later, it was open, revealing the short, raven-haired male. "... What do you want?" he questioned in a cold tone, colder than usual. "Uh..." I swallowed. "We have that project to do," I murmured, eyes fluttering away from his form and to the floor. Another thirty seconds of silence had passed before he decided to step to the side and let me in. I glanced at him, shocked that he would actually work with me and allow me inside.

When I looked at his face, his beautiful, grey hues were elsewhere as I stepped inside and took off my shoes.

Hm, lavender and tea, I mused, missing that fragrance. I walked down the corridor, going towards the living room as I felt Levi's presence lingering behind me, causing my heart to beat rapidly. "(Y/N)." "... I'm sorry," I blurted out for no reason in particular. I didn't even know what he was going to say. And I don't even know why I'm apologising. It just slipped out of my mouth. Well, Mikasa did tell me to apologise even though I don't need to. "Don't apologise. I don't need more of your pity." I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell him the truth. But I didn't want another argument to happen. But maybe this argument I might start can change something. "... I never pitied you." "Just forget about it. Nothing you say is going to fix anything." "That's only because you don't want to listen." "I don't need to hear anything from you. I've already heard plenty." "Yeah, from people you don't even know. You listened to all of them, but me. You trust their words, not mine. How can you trust a person, whose name you don't know, over me - someone that's been with you for more than half of their life? Do you really think I would pretend to be your friend for that long?" "I said forget about it...! If you came here to fight again, just leave. I can fucking do this project myself."  "Levi--" "I'm pretty sure I told you not to say my name." "Well, guess what, Levi? I don't give a shit," I snapped. "I'll say it as many times as I want. And I'll try to convince you, Levi, that those rumours which were spread were a lie as many times as it takes." "... Please go, (Y/N). I don't want another argument. I don't want... a friendship with you anymore." By the tone in his voice, I could tell he was lying to himself. He was trying to be strong, trying to flush me out of his life, trying to forget about me. But I won't let him. I need him in my life, and unlike him, I'll announce it. Fuck my pride, I need Levi Ackerman in my life, every single day, no matter how selfish I sound. "Well, I do. Not because I feel sorry for you. I want to be your friend because I love you for who you are. I don't hate you, I don't care that you're an orphan or poor. I miss you, Levi. You don't understand how hurt I've been this past week and a half. You don't know how many times I cried. Please, listen to me." "..." Levi just stared at the floor below his feet, seeming as if he was contemplating something. That's when my phone rang in my pocket, but I ignored it. However, that was difficult since my phone rang a few more times after. Who the hell was ringing me this much and why? What was so urgent? So, seeing as how Levi hadn't responded to me, I decided to check my phone, seeing one missed call from Eren, and two from Jean and Mikasa. What was so important that three different people tried calling me? Hesitantly, I called back Mikasa, seeing as how she was my closest friend out of the three, and she answered it almost immediately. "What's wrong--"

"(Y/N), we found out who spread the rumours!" a voice, which wasn't Mikasa's (or female), exclaimed. It sounded like Jean. But I didn't care about who was talking, apparently, they know who spread that bullshit - that's all I need to know so I can deal with them. "What? Who is it?" I demanded, glancing up at my (former) best friend and noticed that he was already looking at me.

"Um, Floch Forster and Louise," he said, sounding as if he was reading something else. Probably a text message or something. "Who the hell are they? And why did they do it? How do you know this?"

"They're in our year, and I have no idea why they did it. But, Eren and Armin were in some cafe and overheard them talking. They mentioned both of your names and were talking about how spreading the rumours were a success since Levi believed them." "Why would they do that? I don't even know who they are!" "Me neither. Anyway, Eren and Armin are still there, keeping an eye on them. Me and Mikasa are going to talk to them, should we pick you up?" "Yes... but, I'm at the apartment."

"What-- Ohh, okay, we'll be there in about five minutes." "Okay. I'm just going to put my shoes and jacket on." "Cool. See you in a bit." "Yeah, bye, Jean." I cut the phone and stared at Levi, making sure to maintain eye contact with him. "Can you come with me and a couple of others?" "Where?" "Jean just called me; apparently they found out who started the rumours... Just give me this one chance to prove to you that everything you believed is a lie. Please." "... Fine." I smiled, internally squealing since I'll most likely be able to get my Levi back. I told him that Jean and Mikasa were picking us up in a few minutes and we both got ready. Once we stepped outside of the building, we saw them driving down the road. Both of us jumped into the backseat of the car. "Hey," I greeted. "What's the plan?" "We're kind of just gonna improvise. But, of course, we're going to confront them," the male explained as Mikasa had her eyes on the road, driving fast but safely. "I don't really care about beating them up or whatever you and Eren are going to do. I only want them to confess and tell me why they did it." "What, I thought you would at least punch them!" "Maybe... If I feel like it." "You have to. They ruined a perfect friendship." "I mean, it's not exactly perfect since we've fallen out before. And we've gone through some rough patches," I muttered, avoiding Levi's stare. "Yeah, but you've maintained the friendship for this long. You two are the best of best friends." I scratched the back of my neck, feeling nervous since Jean was talking as if Levi wasn't in the car. I didn't respond and the rest of the brief journey was spent in silence. "We're here! Let's go!" I exclaimed. We all got out of the car and entered the cafe, spotting Eren and Armin. All four of us wandered over to their table and sat down, however, Levi and Mikasa stood since there were only four chairs. I had tugged the hood of my jacket over my head since they would probably recognise me, wherever and whoever those jerks were. "Where are these dicks?" I inquired in a hushed tone. The male with turquoise eyes discreetly nodded his head in the direction of a male and female. There sat a male with chestnut hair and a disgusting smile, and the female had blonde hair. "Have they said anything ever since?" "No. They started talking about something else I don't really remember." "Since we're going to talk to them, how should we start the conversation?" "I think you should speak first, (Y/N), and find out why they did it." "Yeah, obviously I'm going to speak to them. But what should I say?" "..." Everyone went silent since none of us knew how to confront them. "Let's just go up to them, words will come out then," Jean suggested. I nodded as he and Eren stood up, wanting to follow me to the people that spread the rumours that sat at a table in the corner of the cafe. But I stopped them since I wanted to deal with them myself. However, if I needed help or whatever, I would let them know. So them two, Armin, Mikasa and Levi observed from afar. I pushed the hood off my head when I was a couple of steps away from them and they looked up at me in question. "Floch and Louise, right?" I spoke, grabbing a chair and joining them. "I'm guessing you know who I am." "Of course," the chestnut one smirked. "(Y/N) (L/N). How could we not know a beauty like you?" "Don't give me that bullshit. Tell me: was it you two who spread those lies?" "I don't know. Maybe, maybe not." "Fucking tell me," I growled, my attention only on the one with the ugly smile since he still had a smirk and he was the only one talking. "You do not want to mess with me." "... Yeah, it was us. So what?" "Why the fuck would you do something like that? What do you have against me?" "Nothing. I just wanted you to recognise me and to stay away from that Levi bastard." "Why?" "As I said earlier, you're beautiful. I wanted to get to know you but obviously, I wouldn't be able to do that if that guy was always around you. So, my friend, Louise, here helped me." "You're telling me

you started those rumours, ruining my friendship with Levi, just because you find me beautiful? What kind of fucking jerk are you? After all of this, I don't even want to look at you. Do you know what you put me through?" "I'm sure it wasn't that bad." "Not that bad?" I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back in the chair. "I lost my best friend of thirteen years, for fuck's sake. He pushed me away. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He fucking shouted and cried! Never in my life, have I seen him do either of those things! You caused all of this shit! You're the one that made both of us heartbroken! Do you know how depressing it is to see your best friend in tears because of you?! Do you know how hurt I was when he kicked me out?! No, you don't! You're just a fucking asshole that ruined my life...!!" I screamed at them, standing up from my chair halfway through my rant. My heart was thudding against my ribcage and I'm pretty sure my face was slightly red. My eyes were stinging, but I wouldn't let the tears fall so I could seem intimidating.  I was about to carry on, but I felt a hand on both of my shoulders, causing me to snap my head to the side, seeing that Jean and Eren were by my side. That bastard, Floch, was lucky they arrived, otherwise, I think I would have just punched that smug face of his. Jean led me away from the table as Eren took my seat. We went to the table where Mikasa, Levi and Armin were, calming myself down as I watched Eren. Jean tried to make me sit down, but I refused, clenching my jaw and fists. "Hey, calm down," Jean whispered, placing a gentle hand on one of mine as he stood beside me. I blinked a couple of times, my eyes flitting away from the three males and gazing at the teenager next to me. I'm guessing he saw how angry, yet upset, I was since he had dragged me into a hug, which is when I closed my eyes, trying to block out the world. His arms gave me a sense of comfort and safety, along with the cheek that rested at the top of my head. "Don't hold back your tears." How he knew I was trying not to cry was beyond me, but I had finally released them after his gentle voice hummed in my ears. My body trembled in his hold and he clutched me tighter, wishing he could remove all the anguish built up in my heart. Suddenly, 'ooh's, and 'woah's, and gasps had sounded in the building after a thud and crash. I'm guessing Eren had punched Floch, who had then fallen out of his chair. I slightly pulled away from the embrace so I could see what was happening. And I saw that my guess was correct. "Eren!" Mikasa called, running towards their table. Before anything else could happen, the employees had gotten involved and kicked all four of them out, soon coming to us, ordering us to get out as well since they knew we were with them. I gripped Jean's bicep as we exited. Once we were out in the late afternoon's air, I noticed Floch and Louise walking down the street in the distance before I directed my attention to Eren. "What happened?" Armin asked, seeing that he was frowning and gritting his teeth. "Nothing. Let's go," Eren mumbled. Even though my voice was a little shaky, I was able to make it sound serious. "Wait. Tell me what happened." "... They're not going to tell anyone that they had started the rumours and... Floch said that since this whole thing didn't work for him to get to know you, he needs to try a more physical approach. That's when I punched him..." All of us went silent, slowly realising what he meant. "You mean..." I started off. "Harassment? Sexual harassment?" Mikasa continued my inquiry. Eren only gave a simple nod which is when I edged closer to Jean, holding onto him tighter and he returned the action to let me know he'll protect me. Fuck that bastard. He's a creature from another planet. A disgusting creature. First, they fucking spread that bullshit. Now, he wants to do something worse? What the hell is wrong with them? Abruptly, Levi had stormed off into their direction. I called him, but he didn't even turn around. I never got to see his

expression, but by the way his hands were curled up into balls, I could tell he was furious. We all watched the scene unravel in the distance: the two tried to defend themselves against Levi, but, of course, they wouldn't be able to stand up to him. There was some shouting, but we couldn't make out the raven's words. Soon, he was with us again, his grey hues only on me. I slowly let go of Jean as he and my friends left me and Levi alone, giving us some privacy. I wanted to tackle Levi into a hug. I wanted to-- Actually, you know what, I'm not going to bother listing all the things I want to do. I don't give a shit since I know Levi's realised his mistake. And he will give me everything I want (sorry for sounding selfish again). "... (Y/N), I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I didn't believe you... Fuck, I'm an idiot." I laughed and sobbed at the same time, causing it to sound like I was choking. "You're so much more than an idiot. I would call you a jerk, a dick, a dumbass, an asshole, a bastard, a son of a bitch... I don't know, pick one." "I'm all of those," he spoke quietly, guilt twinkling in his orbs. I stepped closer to him, a smile on my lips. "... I don't care if you hate me now. I deserve it." "Bitch, you think I'm going to hate you right after you taught those idiots a lesson?" "... (Y/N), I'm going to protect you from them. I won't let them lay a finger on you." My mood suddenly changed from happy to afraid. Floch and Louise could harass me any time, anywhere. What if Levi won't be able to protect me? Biting down on my lower lip, a couple of tears travelled down my face. Levi held his arms out, and I caught that action from the corner of my eye, so I leapt into his arms. More tears streamed down my face as my cheek pressed against his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat that soothed me. I breathed in his faint cologne, clutched the back of his shirt and sobbed. This is all I wanted. His strong arms embracing me. His calming scent. The gentle kiss to the top of my head, which he probably thought I couldn't feel. But it was there. All of that was there. I had Levi Ackerman with me again. And that's all I need. Even if he never returns my feelings. "Come, let's go home," he whispered, gliding his digits through my tresses. Through my tears, a smile, once again, found its way onto my lips.

Home. Our home.

(a/n: i decided to do something different and didnt make them confess to each other but just know that it does happen in the near future lol)

Taglist (fill out this form or send in an ask!): @rintomoj @jeanscowboyhat-levisteacup @callmepromise @notgoodforlife

[littlemissagrafina]

Cuz if I don't leave this town, I might never make it out

Read on AO3

When Peter was younger, he had loved New York, the house he lived in with his family in Queens, and his Aunt and Uncle’s apartment.

They were his home, the city was his home, and he couldn't have ever imagined being anywhere else. He was happy, and he was content.

And then his parents died and he lost a piece of his home, of his content and happiness. But he was lucky. He still had family, he still had his Ben and his May.

For a few years, that was okay. Peter was okay. His home was a bit less full and happy, but he had May and Ben. They'd been getting their contentment back but here was a bad time in the middle of the good that had been growing. 

It's name was Steven 'Skip' Westcott. Peter couldn't remember who that was, but he never wanted to if the wrenching emotions that swirled in his stomach whenever the name was said was any indication.

Peter couldn’t remember, but he didn't want or need to, to know that another piece of happy had been taken from his home. The city no longer felt as wondrous as it used to. The bad parts had become a bit more visible, now.

They stood out even more after Peter and May lost Ben. The good and bad of Queens and New York, of his home, balanced perfectly together.

That was when Spider-Man was born and the city started dipping more between the bad side and the good side with each patrol that Peter went out on.

With each cry for help, each gunshot, crash, gleaming knife, grieving wail, and flying fist, the bad became worse.

But with those also came the thank-you's, the smiles, cheers, laughter, celebration, and hugs, the things that made the good evident.

Peter would never forget the first time that he spoke to Tony about the exhaustion that being between those things brought. His mentor just smiled at him, something soft and sad and filled with understanding.

"There's a fine line between love and hate, Peter. Those standing on it, wish for the love, but can't help but see the hate."

Both of those things disappeared along with Peter when Thanos came.

---

Coming back from the dead was harder for some than for others.

For Peter, he wasn't sure if he had been Dead or just Gone. He only knew that he hadn't been Anywhere at all.

He wondered if some of him had been left behind when he was brought back from Wherever he had been.

Coming back for him had been both the easiest and the hardest. There were a million and one knew things, but also a million and one old things. Things Peter knew, and things he had yet to still discover. So many differences.

There were even some old things that had new things mixed in with them. It was confusing.

One of those old and new mixed things was his city and his home. 

Sitting on the rooftop of his and May's apartment that Tony had somehow kept in the time they were Gone, Peter looked out over the city and realised that he didn't see the good and the bad anymore.

Instead it was all grey and wrong and bad. He struggled to see the good, looking for the laughter and celebration and happiness but only found wrongness. A strangeness and disconnect.

If this was home, then Peter no longer wanted to be here.

What was once big and wondrous, and bustling, now felt suffocating, dreary, and stuck.

Peter hated it and himself for feeling that way. It was his home, he was meant to love it and feel comfortable and content. He shouldn't want to run away without a second thought and never return.

It felt like all of the good and love it had held before had been taken away. Left behind in the Nowhere.

---

Peter tried to ignore it. The differences he felt in himself and in his home.

He went out to school, visited May at work, Tony and Pepper and Morgan at the lake house, spent time with his family (which, wow, he had that again). He had even made friends with Harley Keener when Tony had moved the teen and his family up to New York. He went out on his patrols, had lab days with Tony, and spent countless days with Ned, Harley, and MJ.

Slowly, Peter built up a routine of it all. And it helped him. It kept him busy and occupied and in turn kept him from getting caught up in wanting to leave and just run.

It came tumbling down after he graduated. The differences became glaring and bright once again.

With no classes or homework occupying his days, Peter started patrolling more and spending more time around the city as Spider-Man.

It wasn't so bad in the beginning, it almost felt freeing to be able to go out at whatever time he wanted, but as the summer went along, it started putting a strain on him.

Ned and MJ were busy preparing to leave for college, Harley was finishing up his highschool internship in the R&D labs, and Peter wasn't going anywhere, having decided to take a gap year before going off to college himself.

He was stuck here and it was starting to get to him again, just like when he'd first come back from Nowhere.

The walls of his and May's apartment were too much. It was all the same yet everything was different. Nothing had changed yet everything had.

The lab wasn't enough to keep him stimulated, his inspiration for any tinkering or inventing was nonexistent.

His motivation to patrol and spend time in the suit dwindled to almost nothing, and when he did go out, he was continually reminded of the things he had seen, done, and stopped. He was reminded of things that had happened in the past

A robbery on 6th made him think of Ben.

Assault in a back alley brought Skip back to light.

A little girl and her parents looking for her lost teddy bear was Peter and his own late parents looking for his plushie when he was younger.

A frisbee in a nearby park was a shield.

A firework one night was the plane and Vulture on the beach.

Over and over his patrols brought up more and more things he would rather forget, until eventually he didn't want to go out anymore. 

Until, to his horror, Peter became bitter towards his home. He loved it, he did. It was a part of him. He'd been born there, raised there, lost and found family there.

But that wasn't enough anymore. There was an aching need in his chest to just leave. To go somewhere far away and just be himself without the city influencing him, and without the influence of his family and of Spider-Man.

He couldn't go, though. May was here, Tony, Pepper, and Morgan were here. Harley was here. Ned and MJ too when they would be home from college.

Peter had responsibilities as a nephew, pseudo son, and Spider-Man that, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't ignore.

So he tried to suck it up and do what he had to do. Go on in silence.

---

Peter sat on a couch in the tower penthouse, Tony and May across from him on another.

He'd known that Tony and May had noticed he was difficult, but he didn't know how to assure them that he was fine and happy and okay when he was so far from it.

Peter rubbed the palms of his hands over his jeans, resting his elbows on his knees and looking up at his aunt and dad from under his curly, almost-fringe. "I don't know what you guys expect from me." 

"We don't expect anything from you, Roo. All we want is for you to be okay. We've seen that you've been struggling for a while now." Tony trailed off slightly, looking almost unsure of himself, and May continued speaking.

"We thought we'd let you have the time you obviously needed to yourself after everything, and for a while it seemed like it was working. It isn't anymore, is it" May phrased it like a question but Peter knew that it wasn't.

He sighed, and shook his head. "No, it isn't. It's not like I can change anything, though, I just have to suck it up."

Tony's eyes narrowed. "And why can't it be changed, huh? Kid, if you talk to us, actually talk, we can figure–"

"Tell you about what, Tony?" Peter snapped, irritation flaring up out of nowhere; his head whipping up to stare at them with eyes filled with a pained desperation that neither Tony or May had been aware was so strong.

Peter carried on, the strength to keep his feelings tucked away finally failing him. "Tell you what? That I hate it here as much as I love it, that I don't want to be here, that I'm depressed and anxious all the time, that I can't patrol because I see every bad thing that's happened to me each time I do, or that I see the good things too?"

He stood up from the couch, moving to pace between it and the ceiling to floor windows, voice rising with his emotions. "What about that fact that I feel left behind seeing everyone move on and go to college and grow and form lives all the whole I'm stuck I the fucking past and present all that time. Or should I tell you about wanting to be back in the Nowhere because at least it was quiet and peaceful and I didn't have to deal with any of this there?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to tell you all that and expect you to understand or even for it to make any difference at all. None of that changes anything, anyway." His voice had faded to a whisper by the end.

A hand rested on his shoulder, turning him gently. Peter met May's eye's, her expression a strange mix of sadness and determination. 

"And why doesn't it change anything?" She asked him. "Why can't you just go, get away and find some peace for the first time in your life?"

Petter huffed out a breath, "Because I have responsibilities, May! I can't just leave them! I have school next year, Spider-Man, and you guys–"

"So?" Tony said, coming to stand by them. "Peter, none of those are worth your happiness and wellbeing. School can wait, Spider-Man isn't the only vigilante around anymore, and I can guarantee that all of us, as your family, would understand and want you to be able to find your freedom and happiness."

"He's right, you know." The three of them looked over at the doorway to the living room.

"If it's forcing you to stay somewhere you're not happy, or letting you go to wherever you might find that happiness, I know which I would choose." Harley said as he stepped into the room.

He closed the distance and gave Peter a crooked smile as he stopped in front of him. "Spoiler alert, it's always the second one."

Harley's smile dropped quickly, a seriousness enveloping him. "For real, Darlin', all of us want you to be okay."

Peter shook his head weakly, looking between three of the people who cared most for him. "But–" He started to say before he was cut off once again.

"But what? We've already said you can." Tony said.

"Because I shouldn't! I can't just run away from my problems like that." Peter protested, trying to explain that he couldn't leave, despite not really knowing why he couldn't himself.

Harley poked him in the shoulder, ignoring his boyfriend's indignant huff. "No, bad spider. Stop it." When Peter looked like he was going to interrupt, Harley shushed him. "Nope. I'm about to say really wise words of boyfriend wisdom. Don't interrupt the magic."

"If it were me wanting to leave, would you call it running away from my problems?"

Peter immediately shook his head. "No! Of course not!"

Harley looked at him smugly. "So then why is it running away when it's you, huh? Why is it any different if it was me and not you?"

Peter floundered, clearly trying to think up an argument. After a few seconds, his shoulders dropped and he sighed. "I don't know." He muttered 

 "I still don't know how I'd just go, anyway. I'd need to get money for plane tickets, I'd need passports, visa's, and whatever the hell else you need when you travel and–"

He was interrupted for what felt like the thousandth time. Which, rude.

"And I would get you all of that, Peter." Tony said in a way that gave Peter no doubt that he would.

May stepped closer to him, and cradled his face gently in her hands. "Peter, baby. You need this. Please accept our help. Let yourself need a hero instead of being the hero for everyone else." 

Peter nodded. "Okay." 

"Yeah?" Tony and May asked at the same time. 

"Yeah. I'll do it."

May pulled him into a hug, one hand running through his curls and cupping his head as if he was a small child again. 

Harley and Tony both smiled at him.

"Let's do this."

---

"You good?" Harley asked Peter, slipping his hand into his as they walked over soft sands, waves crashing next to them.

Peter was silent as they walked on, only speaking when they slowed to a stop and turned to look out at the vast, crystal waters before them.

He shook his head.

"I'm not okay. But I want to be."

He turned and smiled at Harley, the setting sun lighting his eyes in glowing honey shades.

"I will be."

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

Glide (Miss Venable x reader)

a/n: hello :3 here we have another song fanfiction whoohoo- uhm Glide (by Lxandra) don't expect too much haha.. its angsty i guess lol :7 oh and its really long-

summary: I am really bad at this holy shit.. I guess its about the “"relationship” between you and Miss Venable (relationship is a weird word-)

warnings: alcohol, talking about depression and suicide (but nobody's actually depressed), notes of sex 

google translate :’D

"So, Miss Y / L / N", Mister Langdon finally said as he stepped around the table to stand in front of you.

"After telling me about your homosexuality, I would like to know if you are currently in love?"

You narrowed your eyes at the man in front of you.

"What kind of stupid question is that? Is this the part where we braid each other's hair and talk about our high school crushes?"

"Answer. My. Question.", the Man growled.

"Okay okay," you muttered quickly. "Uhm, well let me think about it for a minute."

--------------------

It all started when Miss Venable heard you scream one night.

You had been at Outpost 3 for a few months at this point and in all that time you hadn't spoken a lot and spent the entire time in your room except for meals.

The others didn't know much about you. They knew, you were one of the youngest residents of the Outpost and that you had left your family behind. And of course they knew your name. But that was all.

You spent a lot of time thinking about your family. Your relationship with your parents wasn't ideal, but you still missed them. And if you had known a year ago where you were today, you would have done a few things differently. Celebrating Christmas with them one last time, vacationing with them, simply spending the time peacefully with them instead of arguing.

Usually you cried quietly to yourself, with your head buried under your pillow, hoping, that everyone would forget you existed,  but crying wasn't enough tonight and after dinner you snuck into the kitchen to steal a bottle of the red wine, that you smuggled into your room afterwards.

It was now 1 a.m., the bottle was almost empty, and hours ago you had started tossing the items you had in your room. Your clothes were scattered on the floor, while you had tossed the boring books from the library against the wall. Your bed was a complete disaster and in all your anger you had torn the sheets. There were red wine stains on your pillows, which had almost slipped into the blazing fire of the fireplace after you tossed them off the bed.

And now all you could do was scream.

"Fuck you!" You shouted as you staggered in the room with the alcohol in one hand.

"Fuck you all! Fuck this apocalypse, fuck this outpost, fuck-"

"Miss Y / L / N" interrupted you a loud voice behind you and made you turn around.

Miss Venable was standing in the doorway in front of the locked door, staring at you in confusion.

"Ever heard of knocking?" You grumbled and hid the bottle behind your back.

"I knocked," Miss Venable hissed, her gaze wandering angrily over your chaos.

"And if you hadn't screamed so loud, you would probably have heard it. What the fuck do you think of making such a noise here at night? Stealing alcohol as well?"

"I uh- caught," you muttered as you put the bottle on the round table in front of you.

"Do you know what's really funny? We don't have anything to eat, but there is no end of alcohol. Whoever came up with that must be pretty stupid."

"It was my idea. I am in charge here, in case you forgot."

"Oh right," you sighed and slapped your forehead with the palm of your hand.

"Shit, well, i'm sorry, but what was your name again?"

"You forgot my name?" Asked Miss Venable sharply with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah," you muttered before collapsing onto your messy bed.

"But I know it was something weird."

Miss Venable glared at you, which of course you couldn't see because you were buried with your face in your blanket.

"Hopefully you realize this will be punished," she growled.

"Oh suck my dick", you grumbled. "You enjoy punishing others, don't you? You are a little psychopath"

You laughed softly into your blanket and noticed how you became more and more sleepy. You almost fell asleep if Miss Venable hadn't tapped her stick loudly on the floor.

"You will start cleaning up here immediately, otherwise it will be the last night you spend in this outpost."

"Oh shut up. You are totally mean to me," you moaned and pouted at the angry woman.

"Why are everyone always so mean to me? I haven't done anything wrong."

You got up on shaky legs to walk past her to the door, but you tripped and fell against Miss Venable.

"Wow," you mumbled as you stared into her brown eyes with your glassy ones and grabbed hold of her hips.

"I may not know your name, but I know,  that you are really pretty"

"What the fuck is wrong withyou ?! "

Wilhemina pushed you away from her so that you stumbled backwards and landed on the floor.

You stared out at her with hurt eyes as tears welled up in your eyes.

"I didn't do anything," you yelled at Miss Venable, who was still leaning on her stick in front of you.

"It's not my fault, that you're beautiful. Be happy, others are ugly."

"That's enough," growled Miss Venable as she took a step towards you and grabbed your arm to pull you up.

"You're going to bed now."

"I'll do nothing," you mumbled and tried to pull yourself out of her grip, but you were way too drunk to use enough strength and she could push you like a doll on the bed.

You laughed again.

"Guess what, my bed is big enough for both of us, isn't that funny?"

You looked up at her playfully, or at least you tried.

"You beautiful woman. We-"

"Your behavior is disgusting," she interrupted as she leaned over to grab your chin. Immediately you fell silent.

"And my name is Miss Venable."

She looked down at you dangerously and you saw fire in her eyes when you started laughing out loud.

"Haha Miss Venable, I told you it was something weird," you shouted before you started screaming out loud.

"Miss Venable is beautiful whohoo. Can you all hear me? Miss Venable is beautiful. She-"

"What the hell", Miss Venable cut you off again and took her hand from your jaw to put it on your mouth.

"Are you going to be quiet at last?"

"M'sorry," you hummed against her hand and Miss Venable could see from the wrinkles around your eyes, that you were grinning under her hand.

"I want you to go to sleep now and clean up the chaos here tomorrow, do you understand me?" She asked in a sharp voice. But you just glared at her and wanted to bite her hand when she repeated her question.

"Do you understand me?" She barked louder and this time you nodded quickly.

"Good," she said happily as she took her hand from your mouth and straightened up again.

"Fuck you," you mumbled quietly and watched unhappily as the woman went to the sofa across from the fireplace and sat on it.

"Can't you just go?" You moaned as she leaned her cane against the edge of the sofa.

"Oh I'll go," she replied while staring into the fire.

"When you fell asleep."

You groan in annoyance.

"Is that supposed to be a joke?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"Oh come on," you sighed and pulled your blanket over your head so she couldn't see you.

It was actually your plan to wait for her to go away, but at some point (who knows how much time had passed) you actually fell asleep.

Living my life in a bubble

Sometimes reality's too much for me

(I trip and fall into a dream)

Your love it gets me into trouble

Sometimes your gravity's too much for me

(It gets me weak in the knees)

------------

A week had passed and not much had happened. The next morning you woke up alone and with a big hangover and barely remembering what had happened the previous evening. Miss Venable had forced you to clean up the mess in your room after she had punished you for stealing the alcohol and as attractive as this woman was, she seemed genuinely angry about what had happened, even though it was actually nothing special. At least that's what you thought, but you couldn't remember either.

The world had ended and her problem was, that you had stolen a bottle of wine and ravaged your room. You wondered how fucked up her life must have been before the apocalypse, if that bothered her. And she wasn't the only one you wondered about.

The other residents of the outpost were all disgusting.

"Why do we have to eat this shit?"

"When are we getting out of here?"

"Why is life so unfair and let me be here with you idiots?"

You hate those ungrateful assholes. Everyone was dead and their only problem was, that they were still alive.

Other people deserved it so much more and the fact that mankind's only hope was in these conceited, stupid assholes seemed like a joke.

When you lay in bed that day and stared lost at the ceiling, you had lost all reference to reality. You didn't know what day it was or what month you were in. You also didn't know whether the last meal you ate was lunch or dinner, although a glance at the clock would have been enough. But you got tired of staring at the clock and watching the second hand, hoping something would happen.

Nothing changed anyway. And all you felt was that big feeling of loneliness that completely filled you. You were a very emotional person and all you wanted was someone who was normal. But everybody in this outpost was a huge disappointment. Conceited assholes, intimidated Grays and Miss Venable, who enjoyed punishing people.

Probably you would have started talking to yourself, but thank god you weren't there yet.

Sometimes you thought, it might be easier, if you opened up to others. But your body had become like a prison and you kept every thought trapped deep inside you because it did not match those of the others. Stupid assholes.

And while you continued to sink into your self-pity, you would probably have fallen asleep, if you hadn't been bothered by the sudden knock on your door.

"Fuck off," you moaned while staring angrily at the door, but the person standing in front of it only knocked one more time.

Asshole, you thought before reluctantly climbing out of bed to open your door.

"I said you should f- Oh Miss Venable," you stared at the woman in front of you.

"Are you here to punish me again for something pointless? If so, I can assure you it won't be necessary .. The wounds from last time still hurt, if you care."

Miss Venable screwed up her eyes.

"Well, Miss Y / L / N, actually I don't care, but if it still hurts, you seem to have learned your lesson," she replied coldly and you just snorted in annoyance.

"What do you want from me?"

"You are obviously depressed-" she started and you interrupted her immediately.

"What is that shit supposed to mean? I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. And since when have you been interested in how I'm doing?"

You glared at her with narrowed eyes, but her face still had the same deadly serious expression.

"You've been sad for a long time, don't you think?"

"I- uh".

You looked at her confused.

"All my friends are dead, it's only logical that I feel that way .. I find it rather questionable, that I'm the only one here, who feels that way."

"So?" Miss Venable raised an eyebrow, which made you even more insecure.

"I don't really care how you feel either. I just don't feel like wiping your blood off should you decide to kill yourself."

"Suicide isn't always bloody," you muttered.

"And because we don't have any doctors here-"

"By the way, that's the stupidest thing of all. You know, we have a hairstylist, but no doctors, you also notice that it doesn't make any sense, right?" You interrupted her and crossed your arms in front of your chest.

And again Miss Venable ignored your words and finished her sentence, which you had interrupted.

"..I thought that would help too."

Your eyes widened when you saw what she was pulling out from behind her back and immediately you started laughing.

"Are you serious? First you punish me brutally for stealing a bottle of red wine and now you come to give me one?" You laughed and stared down at the bottle she was holding out to you.

"What's worse is, that you think alcohol is replacing therapeutic treatment. That's pretty sad to be honest, Miss Venable."

Wilhemina narrowed her eyes.

"It's not sad, I just prefer red wine stains instead of stains from your blood," she growled.

"You can't possibly be serious," you mumbled and suddenly had to grin.

"You enjoyed punishing me, right? And now you're coming, because you need a reason to do it again."

"Oh come on," Miss Venable rolled her eyes.

"Take the bottle or don't take it, it's just an offer."

You were still staring at her in amazement. What was wrong with her that she thought this action would solve your problems? Another proof of how fucked up everything was and that the only person you could count on was yourself.

"Uhm, well thank you, Miss Venable," you stuttered and reached for the bottle.

"If you come over every evening and bring me a bottle, your diagnosis may work and I will have very different problems, than my sadness."

"Not funny," muttered Miss Venable, her lips pressed together.

"Well, good evening, Miss Y / N."

She turned around and started to leave and you could only stare after her in confusion. Evening?

Then you actually had dinner earlier, even though you could have sworn it was only lunch.

"Maybe you want to join me-?" You asked suddenly and were just as surprised by this question as Miss Venable, who turned to you.

"What?"

"I don't think getting drunk on my own would be fun," you added, stepping nervously from one foot to the other.

"You did it a week ago," replied Miss Venable and in the torchlight you could see the lines of confusion on her face.

"But I never said it was fun," you smiled crookedly as your grip tightened on the neck of the bottle.

"And I think it would be nicer to do that, in the presence of another person. Especially since you've already seen me drunk."

You looked at Miss Venable expectantly, although you did not know exactly what you were doing. It was probably just your desperate attempt to get someone's attention, simply because everyone, who has ever cared about you was dead. And you knew Miss Venable might not be the best choice. But while the others complained aloud about their suffering and argued about who was worse off, Miss Venable didn't show such feelings and kept her thoughts to herself. A circumstance with which you could somehow identify.

"Okay," Miss Venable finally muttered, surprising you one more time that day.

"Well, great," you said before stepping out the door frame to go back to your room. You sat on the other end of the sofa, across from where she sat a week ago. In your hand there was still the bottle of red wine and for whatever reason you were ashamed of this situation. Miss Venable brought you alcohol because she thought, you could use it to manage your sadness, or depression (as she called it). And if she had actually meant well, which was actually questionable with her, then you had to make a pretty pathetic impression on others.

"You cleaned up the mess," you heard Miss Venable's voice behind you, but it was more of a determination than an acknowledgment.

"And I just noticed that we have no glasses at all".

Your shoulders sagged at her words and for a moment you were afraid she would leave. But you heard her close the door behind her before she went to the sofa and sat down on the exact same place, that she had been sitting on a week ago.

You watched the woman confused, leaning her cane against the sofa.

Her gaze lifted to you and she stared at you as expectantly as you looked at her confused.

"What are you waiting for? Go into the kitchen and get glasses," Miss Venable uttered.

You blinked in surprise.

"I- I didn't know that was a request," you muttered before jumping up from the sofa to run from your room into the kitchen.

When you ran back to your room 5 minutes later with two wine glasses, Miss Venable was still sitting on the ugly fabric sofa just as she had done a few minutes earlier. And somehow there was something aesthetic about it.

Personally, you thought it was ridiculous, that everyone had to adapt to the Victorian style, just because she wanted to. But it was perfect for Miss Venable. As if it was made for it. Her red hair, which she always pinned up so strictly, then her almost black eyes and the lipstick. Also her pale skin and her cane. Even her strict personality perfectly matched the style of clothing.

"Do you want to stay in the door frame and stare at me, or are you finally coming now," Wilhemina hissed suddenly without moving even an inch and immediately a slight blush rose in your face.

"M'sorry," you muttered and quickly closed the door before going back to the sofa. After you sat down, you put the glasses in front of you on the table, where the wine bottle was now.

"I was just wondering," you explained as you poured the wine into your glasses.

"Why the Victorian style of all things?"

"Why not? It looks good," replied Miss Venable, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Well," you began before turning to give her her glass.

"The world is ending and you make us wear 10kg dresses, because you think it looks good?"

"Any better idea?" Miss Venable asked back, putting the glass to her lips.

"Uhm I, i don't know," you stuttered and watched Miss Venable as she drank her wine.

"Don't we have to be prepared somehow or something like that?"

You heard Miss Venable laugh quietly into her glass.

"Prepared?" She repeated with a small grin and put her glass back on the table.

"On what? For the aliens to come and get us out of here?"

You shrugged your shoulders.

"I don't know," you mumbled before you put your glass to your lips to take a sip of the bitter liquid and while you were drinking you could feel her gaze digging into your skin.

"By the way, I also find it very questionable what kind of people live in this outpost," you added, setting your Glas next to hers on the table.

Wilhemina let out a laugh. It was one of those laughs that you couldn't tell whether it was meant honestly or sarcastically.

"I'm not surprised you say that," she muttered.

"Is my dislike of the others that obvious?" you asked confused.

"I don't know if obviously this is the right word .. But what I do know, is that you always look disgusted when you see them, so I'm assuming you don't like them and to be honest, I like them neither.

Your confusion turned to laughter.

"Well," you said.

"With you it is obvious that you don't like any of them."

"These people are just as competent as they were poor. They are only here because of their money," she said disapprovingly.

You sighed thoughtfully.

"It's kind of sad, that money was the way in here. Scientists would have been so much more valuable. I'm only here because my grandfather had the money."

"What did you do before the apocalypse?" She asked you and you were surprised by this honest question.

"I went to college to study history," you replied when your gaze wandered into the fire.

"So I can  judge that the Victorian style wasn't the most practical choice."

You heard Miss Venable snort in annoyance and you couldn't help but grin.

"And what did you do before the apocalypse?" You asked, turning your gaze back to her. Miss Venable seemed as surprised by your question as you were by hers.

"It's a little tricky," she began. "Basically, I built human robots."

"Robots?"

"Robots."

For a moment you stared at her in amazement. Miss Venable had averted her gaze from you and directed it to the wine glass in front of her.

"M'sorry, but if you've built human robots, why are you letting real people, the Grays, work for us? Wouldn't robots have been revolutionary in an apocalypse?"

Unlike you, Miss Venable seemed totally unaffected by this.

You watched as the redhead reached for her wine glass and took another sip of the blood red liquid.

"You are asking too many questions for my taste, Miss Y / L / N," said Miss Venable softly, putting her glass back on the table. And even though she kept her voice low, you could hear her indirect threat.

"To be honest, I'm amazed, that I'm the only one asking questions," you replied, trying to make eye contact with the woman next to you again, but Miss Venable's gaze was tied to the blazing fire in the fireplace and you could see a dark glint in their eyes.

"You shouldn't get involved in things that are none of your business," she said suddenly in a monotonous voice. "All over the world there are survivors and it is not your job to question my system, nobody has the right to do so. You are just one stupid survivor of many, nothing more"

You and I, we just glide

Through the night

We just drive, we get by

We just glide

----------------------

"Oh c'mon," you moaned and ran your tousled hair.

"God must hate me".

You stood on shaky legs from the library floor, that you fell on after stumbling into the room. You brushed the dirt off your skirt and realized with gritted teeth, that it was ruined.

"Seems like someone is having a bad day," you suddenly heard a voice say and immediately your mood worsened.

You straighten up again to meet Miss Venable's eyes. The woman sat on the right of the two leather sofas and with one hand clutched her cane, which was propped on the floor.

"Fuck you", you hissed before you let yourself fall on the sofa across from her.

"Oh, someone is having a very bad day," added Miss Venable, and you didn't have to look at her to see, that she was amused by your behavior,

"Yes, my day sucks and guess what, it's all your fault," you growled and glared angrily at her stick.

"When I got up this morning and wanted to leave my room, I got stuck in the door with my blouse and the whole sleeve was torn. Did you also notice, how much you sweat in these clothes? It's really hard to go at the toilet with these clothes .. I'm sorry, but what the hell was your idea, when you decided to give us a Victorian dress code? Did you have to make our life after the apocalypse even harder ? "

You pressed angrily your lips together and screwed up your eyes.

"You are the only person who complains about it," said Miss Venable and sounded not quite as amused as a minute before. You let out a dry laugh.

"The others are too scared of you, to tell you that," you said bitterly.

"Besides, what the hell are you doing here?"

You tore your gaze away from her stick to look directly into her dark eyes.

"Why shouldn't I be here?"

"Because you're never here and you didn't look like someone who'd like to hang out with Mr. Gallant or Coco."

"Well, neither Mr. Gallant nor Miss St. Pierre Vanderbilt are here right now, right? And besides, I could ask you the same thing", Miss Venable replied indifferently and somehow she was right. It was also a rarity to see you in the library as you actually spent most of the time in your room.

"I suppose my great sadness is over now .. or as you called it 'depression'. I'm more in the mood right now, that I don't care and I am angry at everything and now you are my victim. Your lipstick is smeared by the way", you sighed, although that was actually a lie, her lipstick was perfect as always. But in fact her eyes widened slightly and you couldn't help but enjoy this view.

"You're lying," hissed Miss Venable and you had to grin.

"Maybe".

You shrugged your shoulders.

"Maybe you'd better go and see, or you risk the others seeing you ruined makeup."

It was obvious that Miss Venable was a perfectionist woman and she wasn't going to let her position of power be challenged over a smeared lipstick. On the other hand, you were an extremely bad liar and Miss Venable wasn't stupid.

"You're lying," she repeated, only with her lips pressed together, giving you the sense of achievement you wanted.

"Mhh Miss Venable," you hummed as your eyes found her stick again.

"This cane .. when I saw you for the first time, I wondered if it was just a symbol of power or if you really needed it-"

"..And then you saw me walk with it," added Miss Venable with a bitter tone in her voice.

"Oh no," you quickly shook your head.

"It wasn't your walk that gave me the confirmation that you really need the stick. It could never be your walk, you walk so majestically with that stupid thing, that even people, who don't really need a cane and only use it as an accessory would look handicapped next to you."

It was probably a rather desperate attempt to put the whole thing in a compliment and Miss Venable did not answer your words either, but you could see in the glow of the fire how her pale skin turned a light red shade and that was enough for you.

"It was your grip to be honest," you continued.

Miss Venable frowned.

"My grip?"

"Yes," you nodded and started playing with the fabric of your skirt.

"Your fingers are always clenched so tightly around the handle, as if you wanted it to break through. As if you were trying to strangle it or something like that, i dont know."

The furrow on Wilhemina's forehead only got a little wider with your words.

"You seem to spend a lot of time watching what my hands are doing," she mumbled and this time it was you, who blushed.

"It was just an observation, that I made on the side," you stammered quickly when you realized, that from one moment to the next the conversation had taken a completely wrong direction. Miss Venable did not answer again and you did not have the courage to look her face again and so the next few seconds were filled with an embarrassing silence, although you could imagine that Miss Venable was enjoying your discomfort.

"May I take a look at your cane-?" You finally asked to break the silence.

"You want to take a look at my cane?" Repeated Miss Venable, surprised with raised eyebrows.

"Only if it's okay," you said quickly.

"You are the first person, who asks me that".

Miss Venable looked thoughtfully down at her cane, which was still in her hand.

"As I said, the others are too scared of you-"

"The others don't care," Miss Venable interrupted, and you didn't know if she was sad about it or if she didn't care. But we're talking about Wilhemina Venable, she probably didn't care.

The red-haired woman sighed before holding out her stick to you.

You grinned and tried to grab the staff, but before your fingers could touch the wood, Miss Venable pulled it back again.

"How can I be sure, that you won't break it up and use it to make firewood?", She asked you and you looked at her in horror.

"I would probably be the last person to do that," you said indignantly.

"On the contrary, I think you would be the only person in this outpost who would dare to."

Miss Venable held out her stick to you again and this time she let you reach for it.

You immediately noticed how light the wood was in your hand as you carefully ran your fingers over the stick.

"What kind of wood is that?" You asked quietly without looking up from her walker.

"I guess it was blackthorn".

Your fingers moved on to the handle of the stick, which was probably the most interesting thing. A metal handle in the shape of a raven skull served as a support for the hand.

"Doesn't that hurt?".

You lifted your gaze back to Miss Venable, who obviously didn't understand what to do with your question.

"Well, if I had to support myself with all my weight on this skull, it would hurt," you added and Wilhemina just shrugged her shoulders.

"Uhm, it's a beautiful cane," you muttered, handing it back to her.

"May I ask why you need it?"

"I don't know what this should have gotten to do with you," replied Miss Venable, not sounding as nice as before. If you could call it "nice".

"Okay okay, taboo subject, I got it," you said quickly, desperately searching your head for anything to keep the conversation going.

"Do you actually enjoy it? To have control over everyone here? And know that, that almost everyone is afraid of you?", You finally asked and leaned back against the sofa.

"You asked me that a few weeks ago, when you were drunk," remarked Miss Venable, looking down at her gloved fingers, which were wrapped around her cane again.

"Really?" You asked confused.

"More or less. It was more of an accusation."

"An accusation?"

Miss Venable hummed in agreement.

"I told you, that you would be punished for your behavior and you said I would enjoy it."

"I understand," you mumbled, still staring hard at her face.

"What else happened that evening?"

A smug smile danced on Wilhemina's lips and she took a moment to consider your question.

"Well, you made fun of my name," she finally began as she drummed her fingers on the skull-like handle of her stick.

"And then you said, that I was pretty and that I should be happy about it, because other people are ugly."

Your eyes froze as her words entered your brain.

Wrong turn. Wrong turn.

"Uhm .. You know, when I'm drunk I tend to perceive things a lot more intensely than they actually are and then I exaggerate occasionally," you tried desperately to get yourself out of this situation, but Miss Venable just let out a loud laugh and you realized, that you had failed miserably. You cleared your throat briefly and sat up straight again.

"You haven't answered my question yet," you said, trying to change the subject again.

"I wanted to know, if you enjoy all of this."

"Do I enjoy it if you don't obey my rules? No, I don't enjoy that, why should I?" Miss Venable said and again had that indifferent sound in her voice. Of course you knew that she had bypassed your question and that was enough to prove, that she enjoyed her monarchy in Outpost 3.

"You said earlier, that you had got over your grief. That's good to hear," said Miss Venable, and this time she was the one who changed the subject.

"I thought you didn't care what I felt".

You smiled contentedly and cocked your head. Somehow you liked this game of mutual debunking.

"I don't care either, I just wanted to be polite."

Your smile widened when you saw her fingers clench a little tighter around her stick.

"Miss Venable and polite, I don't think this is a well-working combination," you teased her and in the glow of the fire you could see her roll her eyes.

"You were a lot less tiring, when you were crying in your room all day," she muttered disapprovingly.

Why should it be such a struggle

When it means so much to you and me?

(I trip and fall into a dream)

Built like a ship in a bottle

Gotta handle you so delicately

------------------

I don't know what we got

But I know what I want

The silence is killing me softly

What. The. Fuck.

When you arrived at the Outpost a few months ago, you couldn't even have imagined in your deepest dreams, that you would ever end up in this situation.

You lay on your back, still staring at the ceiling with wide eyes as you tried to stabilize your breathing. Only now did you notice, that you had your arms wrapped around your chest and that your fingernails were digging painfully into the flesh of your shoulder. Your body lay rigid in her bed and you couldn't move an inch. You desperately tried to put the things that had happened in the right order.

Was it a stupid idea to go in Miss Venable's Bedroom? Yes, definitely. In retrospect, you didn't even know what exactly you wanted there. And actually you should have disappeared, after you saw that Wilhemina hadn't even been there. But no, of course your curious ass had to inspect her entire room.

And by the time Miss Venable came out of her bathroom in her pajamas, you had already started counting in your head how many punches Miss Mead was going to give you as punishment. You had definitely crossed the line.

But it turned out very differently than expected. Miss Venable had been angry anyway, very angry, but her anger was not expressed in words. The woman had pressed you against the wall and before you could do anything about it, her hand had slipped under your skirt, between your legs and Miss Venable had broken her own rule.

Of course you could have pushed her away, but it felt so right. You wanted so badly for someone to pay you attention and Miss Venable had kind of given you just that, when she pressed you against the wall and fucked you senselessly.

The whole thing was just so emotionless. You hadn't been able to look at her. You were ashamed of every sound you made, and if Miss Venable hadn't put her hand over your mouth, everyone in the Outpost would probably have heard you scream.

Which wouldn't have been so practical, because this man had come here a few days ago and you knew he was interviewing all the residents for the sanctuary and it wouldn't have been very beneficial for you if he'd caught you, breaking you down Venables rules. Regardless of the fact, that she had broken her rule herself.

Miss Venable hadn't said a single word about what had happened a few minutes ago, as if she had absolutely no need to justify herself.

She hadn't even looked at you when she took her hands off you and wiped them with a kleenex.

"You can sleep here tonight," she had muttered.

"It would be noticeable if you left my room now."

And now you lay next to her in bed and tried to understand all of this. Your dress was messy on the floor and all you had on was your underwear. After your fingers relaxed, you had pulled the blanket, that she wordlessly gave you over you and clung desperately to the fabric.

You had calmed down and could now hear her breathing next to you. The fact, that she was just lying next to you and probably sleeping was disturbing. At least, she could have apologized, right? Although, that didn't make sense either, because you obviously enjoyed what had happened.

You carefully turned your head towards her and saw, that her back was turned to you. And you wondered if she was really sleeping or just pretending. Miss Venable had become your most private contact in the outpost and you didn't really know what that actually meant.

You wanted so badly to touch her, but you didn't know if you had the right to do so. Only now did you notice the scars on her back, that shone through the light nightgown. Add to that the snake-like curve of her spine and suddenly you understood why she needed her stick.

"You have scoliosis," you said your thoughts out loud and you heard her hold her breath.

"Congratulations," she hummed miserably.

"You figured it die out."

You nervously began to chew your lower lip.

"Did I make anything wrong?" You asked quietly.

"Ask yourself how you got into this situation, then you will know."

"I- do you want me to go?", Your voice sounded sadder than you actually wanted.

When Miss Venable didn't answer, you felt tears welling up in your eyes as the feeling of fear grew inside you. You screwed it up. Probably the next evening you would end up like Stu as stew.

"No," Miss Venable suddenly whispered before turning to you. The red-haired woman had a blank expression on her face while she watched you cry.

She raised her hand as if to wipe the tears from your face, but she lowered it again and you had to do it yourself.

"M'sorry," you muttered.

"You're stupid if you apologize," Miss Venable replied bluntly.

"That was more than just unprofessional of me, I should have let you go and tomorrow you would have been punished."

You looked at her sadly.

"That's the only solution, isn't it? Punishment."

"I don't know exactly what you're getting at? It's actually quite simple. Those are my rules and whoever doesn't stick to them will be punished for it", Miss Venable looked at you unimpressed and you returned her gaze thoughtfully.

"What about Michael Langdon? Does he have to obey your rules too?" You finally asked.

"What does this mean?"

"Uhm well, I guess I've known you for 18 months now and the first time you seem scared."

Miss Venable raised her eyebrows.

"You don't know anything about me. I'm not even remotely an emotional chaos as you are."

Emotional chaos. Okay she had a point. You blinked a few times to force the tears, that were still glistening in your eyes back down.

"I don't know if emotional chaos is the right word," you muttered.

"You should think less about your stupid feelings," Miss Venable sighed, turning away from you again.

"They've only got you in trouble so far if you ask me."

You pressed your lips together and had to suppress an angry comment, that would only confirm her accusation. Your eyes stared at her back again. The red curls of her long hair had slipped behind her shoulders and were now curling on her back. You would have loved to stretch out your hand to touch it. You would have loved to curl up in her arms to feel safe for the first time in over a year. You wanted to kiss her. Or at least hold her hand. Anything. Just a little bit of their affection would have been enough and you would have been happy. It probably all sounds kind of selfish, because she fucked you a few minutes ago. The whole thing just wasn't particularly loving. You felt like a disgusting animal and now you wanted her to show you, you weren't. Miss Venable was only a few inches away from you and all you had to do was hold out your hand and you would feel her warmth. But while it was actually only a few centimeters, you realized, that there were worlds between you and this woman and that she was probably never further away from you than at this moment.

You and I, we just glide

Through the night

We just drive, we get by

We just glide

Maybe we're just fooling in foolish imagination

Got no destination in sight

You and I, we get by

We just glide

-------------------------

Wilhemina Venable had a great talent at pretending everything was fine.

As if nothing happened. Nothing had changed in the days after that night.

Since Michael Langdon was at the Outpost, she avoided private contact with you and the fact, that you had shared a bed didn't change that. In addition, she was just as disgusting to you in front of the others as always and that was nothing new either. And while Wilhemina no longer seemed to care about what had happened between you two, at the same time it almost killed you.

You actually expected, that she would want to talk to you about it again, but nothing had happened and that made you angry. Miss Venable would always deny it, but she was the only one who cared about you. And you appreciated her weird way of paying attention to you so much.

The only problem was, you couldn't even begin to imagine, what was going on in her head. While you were acting like a lovesick teenager, the only thing you saw of her was her deadly serious face.

Oh and Miss Venable was right, you were a fucking emotional mess. Since you woke up the next morning in her empty bed, you have cried a lot again and spent a lot of time in your room, but this time Miss Venable would probably not come to offer you alcohol as medication.

It was the afternoon of any day and you were sitting on the floor, leaning against your bed. In one hand you held a pair of scissors, while in the other you held the skirt of your dress. You were still not used to wearing long skirts after so many months and you still kept poking around at yourself, when walking through the outpost, so you decided to cut your skirts short. Of course you knew, that Wilhemina would probably kill you, if she saw you, breaking her sacred dress code, but fuck Wilhemina. At least you could finally walk properly again.

The triple knock on your door made you look up from your work and you got up to go to the door. You probably should have known it was Miss Venable who knocked. Who else has been interested in you, in the past few months?

"We need to talk," said the red-haired woman firmly, without looking at you.

You just nodded and stepped out of the door frame to make room for her.

For a brief moment you were afraid, that Miss Venable would get angry about the dress, that was lying shortened on the floor next to the scissors, but she just ignored it and stood across from you.

"Well, Miss Y / L / N, I'm just here to ugh- "

Miss Venable was interrupted by you when you, you stupid idiot, reached for her face to angrily press your lips against hers. The kiss only lasted a second in total, because Miss Venable immediately pushed you away from her and the next thing you felt was her hand lashing angrily against your right cheek. A horrified gasp escaped your lips and you looked at Wilhemina in horror as you rubbed your cheek.

"If you do that again, I'll kill you," the redhead growled, glaring at you angrily.

You looked at her hurt and felt tears start to sting in your eyes.

"M'sorry," you muttered.

"Oh of course you are," hissed Miss Venable.

"What the hell were you thinking of?"

"I just- I don't know," you stuttered desperately.

"I think I love you".

Miss Venable's eyes narrowed and she looked like she was going to punch you again.

"This is not love, this is despair, you stupid thing."

"Despair?" You breathed in horror.

"How else would you describe your behavior?" She spat and angrily started knocking her stick on the floor.

"I mean, look at you. You are a total mess. Either you cry in your room all day or you are angry at everything and everyone. You are the only person, who ruins her clothes. You are the one which most often breaks my rules, just because you are too unable to deal with your feelings. You know, everyone can handle what happened, except you, because you are so damn selfish. But you have to wake up.. Do you think, that was what I wanted, when you cried into my bed a few days ago? Oh no. And I know that, was my fault too. You know, everything what I want, is that you obey my rules, but that seems to be too much for your incompetent ass ", Wilhemina scolded and angrily knocked her stick on the floor.

"And now you come and say you love me."

She shook her head.

"As I said, this is not love, this is despair. And I don't know what kind of answer you were hoping for, from me, but let me be clear: In my opinion, of all the residents of the Outpost, you are the most pathetic and I hate you, I really do and you're sick if you even thought it would be different. "

You stared at her in shock. The feeling, that rose in you at that moment was indescribable. A mixture of disgust, shame and anger. But also the feeling of betrayal. And you couldn't say who these feelings were for, for you or for Wilhemina.

"Y-you hate me?" You stuttered, wiping the back of your hand over your cheek to remove your tears.

"I hate everyone in this outpost, that includes you too," hissed Miss Venable.

You shook your head in disbelief.

"I don't believe you," you whispered.

"I still believe, that you are scared and that is why you act like that."

"Mister Langdon will interview you tomorrow," said Miss Venable without responding to your comment.

"If you tell him anything about what happened a few days ago, I promise you will wish you were never born. With your condition, you probably won't be in the sanctuary anyway, but I will don't let me spoil this opportunity from you. Do you understand me? "

You shook your head.

"I don't understand what your problem is suddenly ... I asked you that evening if I should go and you said no."

"The whole thing was a mistake, nothing more", Miss Venable growled quietly and stepped past you to go to your door.

"I hate you and you hate me, that's all that's between us, you understand?"

You wanted to say something, but you decided not to, it didn't make any sense anyway.

"I understand," you said softly.

"Good," replied Miss Venable before turning and walking out of your room.

You stared after her sadly. Of course you didn't understand why she was suddenly so mad at you, but how could you? Miss Venable had wanted to end whatever was between you, so that she would not feel guilty if you were to be murdered by her in a few days. She had never meant to offend you, but she had to make it clear to herself, that she didn't love you. She just couldn't love you.

Show me freedom

'Cause love don't cost a thing

Give me freedom

Yeah don't just let me leave

--------------------

"Miss Y / L / N", Mister Langdon barked and slapped the table with the palm of his hand. You winced and looked disturbed into the blond man's eyes.

"I asked you something".

He leaned down to you and his face was only a few inches from yours.

"Are you in love?"

You swallowed and blinked a few times, before you whispered softly:

"I am not."

The man leaned back and looked at you thoughtfully for a few seconds.

"Well, Miss Y / L / N," he finally sighed.

"You can go."

Without looking at the man again, you got up to run out of the room. You tripped and if you hadn't held onto the wall next to the door, you would have fallen. For a moment you leaned against the wall with your eyes closed and took a deep breath.

This man was disgusting and a little too intimate for your taste, no wonder, that no one liked him.

You opened your eyes again and realized, that Miss Venable was staring down at you as she leaned against the railing.

Your eyes were lost in hers, her almost black eyes in which the light of the torches is always reflected. You wanted to say something, but you were afraid, that she would leave and you didn't want that. Miss Venable had put on her indifferent expression as always and, as always, you did not know what was going on inside the woman.

Your lips formed a mute "fuck you" when you saw her turn away from you to move. And the faint tapping of her cane proved to you, that she was indeed leaving and you knew that she would not come back.

Maybe we're just fooling in foolish imagination

Got no destination in sight

You and I, we get by

We just glide

[generallybarzy]

every side of you

mat barzal x reader

summary: every now and then, you shut down into a pit of hopelessness, of anxiety and self-loathing, and you were determined to hide that side of you from Mat, in fear that it would drive him away.

an: alrighty, so this is a shorter fic than usual but it’s really personal and important to me as it hits close to home as something I deal with. It started out as just a blurb I wrote as a sort of “therapy” to comfort myself when this type of thing would happened, but I figured I’d share it here since others probably go through the same thing.

warnings: anxiety attack, self-loathing, depressive episode, etc.

word count: ~3k

Broken.

There wasn’t really a better word to describe what you were feeling- exhausted, hopeless, anxious, unmotivated, finished- but broken might be the easiest way to describe it. In a world full of things that upset, worried and disturbed you, there was nothing you hated more than the hopeless, empty feeling you would get every now and then when something seemed overwhelmingly impossible- no matter if it was a task at work or something as simple as just waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. And because you were too overwhelmed to try or even get out of bed, your own voice nagged away at you in your head, calling you names. Weak, stupid, lazy, everyone’s so sick of you. Why can’t you get your shit together?

It didn’t happen that often, really, especially since you started dating Mathew. There was little room for something to overwhelm you to the point of you crying and closing yourself off from the world when you had such a sweet, caring boyfriend to make sure you’re feeling okay at all times. Not that you’d ever told him or were planning on telling him about these depressive, tired moods you fall into. No, that was a really ugly side of you.

The side of you that stayed up until 4 in the morning working tirelessly just because you were overwhelmed and stressed to the point of not being able to close your eyes. The side of you that didn’t eat properly for days on end because you were too tired to drag yourself to the kitchen. The side of you that would shut down and not contact anyone for days, just because you didn’t want to sound annoying or needy. The side of you that kept telling yourself “You’re a burden, you’re annoying everybody, you’re so fucking weak.” The side of you that would stress out to the point of being physically ill, leaving you to cocoon yourself in blankets with headaches and nausea.

You didn’t need Mat to know about that side of you.

Ever since Mat came around, you had been feeling perfectly fine, so it didn’t seem necessary to admit to him this… problem you used to run into. He had been busy enough, with the hockey season starting soon after you started dating, so you never found the need to tell him.

But now, you hadn’t spoken to him in two days. At least, you think it’s been two days. You didn’t know what day it was. You didn’t know day from night anymore.

It was always a gradual build up before you fell apart, and this time- the first since you started dating Mat, you had nearly forgotten what it was like. It was nearing the end of his western road trip when you started getting bad. Mat was far out west playing hockey and you were getting overwhelmed balancing work and school all alone when something in you just snapped. For two days, everyone’s little comments and snarky words wore away at you; you were stuck in a constant cycle of wake up, work, sleep, repeat, most of the day spent huddled on the couch under the same dirty blankets, with a cup of tea cooling off before you could even drink it. You were stuck in a cycle of tears, nausea, and headaches, crying because your head hurt, your head hurting because of how much you were crying- it was horrible. On the third day, you actually called off of work, too drained and hopeless to even drag yourself out of bed. Mat always found time to text and call you during road trips, and you always loved to hear his voice. But, somewhere along the way, you stopped answering him.

You couldn’t explain exactly why you didn’t answer, but you were too tired to respond the first time, and then each time his name popped up on your phone, asking if you were alright and begging you to answer him, you felt so horrible, so guilty, and something in your mind reasoned that you’d rather stay silent than deal with his questions; rather lose him than reveal to him this side of you. You didn’t want to sound annoying, you didn’t want him to think you were overreacting.

Wow, he’s gonna think you’re such a fucking baby. You can’t even handle work and school? You need someone to hold your hand through life? That must be so annoying to him.

He was getting back from the trip today, you knew he was going to come straight to your apartment from the airport, and he was going to see you like this, and he was gonna leave you because of it. He didn’t have time to deal with someone as screwed up as you.

You’d spent all morning- having called off work- huddled up in your bedroom with the blinds closed, hiding under the blankets, just trying to stop crying. How could you just wake up and already be so overwhelmed? A few hours later, you managed to drag yourself out of the room and make yourself some tea- thinking it would soothe your raw throat- before collapsing on the couch in tears where you stated for the rest of the day, and into the night, apparently. God, you felt so exhausted.

In the midst of your self-loathing, your phone started vibrating on the coffee table and the screen lit up with 'Mat🖤'. You didn’t have the energy or willpower to reach out and grab it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t be able to form the right words for him. What would you say? What could you say? "Hey, sorry for ignoring you for two whole days! I'm having a breakdown so I couldn't even gather the energy to text you back once! I'm mentally unstable! Break up with me!"

It stopped ringing.

And then you heard heavy footsteps speeding down the apartment building hallway and frantic knocking at the door.

“(Y/N)? Are you in there? Please answer me.” Just hearing Mat’s voice on the other side of the door made you choke up and let out a strangled sob. He heard, and the panic in his voice was obvious as he called out again. “Baby? What’s wrong?” You could hear him fumbling around for the spare key you’d given him for emergencies.  

Before you could process what exactly was happening, your boyfriend was stepping into the room. After only a few seconds of trying to figure out what was wrong and where his girlfriend was, his eyes landed on your figure on the couch, and you heard his heavy duffel bag drop by the door and his footsteps rush over.

"Holy shit." He knelt down in front of where you lay huddled on the couch, stroking his fingers over your tear-stained cheeks and running his wide eyes over you, trying to figure out what was wrong and if you were physically hurt in any way. "(Y/N), baby, what’s wrong? Please say something."

At the first familiar sight of Mat, his soft dark hair a mess from rushing here from the airport, his pretty hazel eyes worried and searching and, you shook your head, your emotions squeezing your throat shut. Forming words would be a miracle at this point. "Can't." Your voice came out raw, strained, from little use in the past few days, and the tears started flowing as you reached out weakly for him.

So he pulled you- blankets and all- into his arms.

You breathed a sigh that you didn't realize you had been holding since he left, since he last held you, and all your walls crumbled. You sobbed into his dress shirt- he still hadn't changed from the flight- and clung onto his jacket. He smelled so familiar and comforting, like warmth, like home, like Mat,  and you weren't planning on moving your face from the crook of his neck any time soon. You had half expected him to yell at you for ignoring him, to break up with you right here, but no. "Shh, shh, I'm here." His hand cupped your head against him, fingers carding through your hair in a way he knew calmed you down. He'd seen you cry before but… nothing like this. "Take your time."

His heart ached, his heart broke watching you break down against his chest. Part of him felt so guilty, though logically he knew that was unnecessary. Should he have tried harder to contact you? Should he have pushed more to try and get in touch? Were you upset with him? Did something happen? He couldn’t deny how much he was panicking inside, but he held it together for you. He could tell you needed something steady right now.

Minutes passed like this- you, wrapped in blankets and pulled into Mat's chest, breathing in his scent and feeling his heartbeat thumping under your ear, Mat holding you tight, arms tucked around you and face pressed against the top of your head- before your sobs calmed into shaky, shallow breaths. "Hey. Breathe with me, babe."

You mimicked the sound of Mat's breathing, your chests expanding in rhythm against each other. "There we go." His hands smoothed over your back and you could feel him physically relaxing with you. His lips trailed against your hairline for a few moments before he leaned back, gently laying you back on the couch with a soft look in his eyes. “Wait here a second, I’ll be right back.” He left for the kitchen, and you could hear him kick his shoes off on the way. When he returned, he held a glass of water up to your lips, instructing you to take small sips and watching carefully as you drank. He sat back on the couch with you, pulling you into his arms delicately. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

“I’m just… “ You swallowed, your throat still feeling dry and raw from crying. “Tired.”

“Babe, I’ve seen tired. This is a lot more.” He prodded gently, his eyes showing nothing but care.

“I just... get like this every now and then."

"Every now and then?” His eyebrows furrowed, his voice taking a tone you’d never heard him use before: delicate, scared, careful. “Does this happen often?"

"Used to."

“Shit…  Has it… has it ever  happened since we started dating? Or any other time that I could’ve been there to help you?” You shook your head against him and he breathed out a sigh of relief. It felt good to know that at the very least this hasn’t happened before at a time when he could've prevented it. He wasn’t sure what he would’ve done, learning you’d been like this before while he was blissfully unaware of the state you were in. Suffering silently with an ignorant boyfriend. How shitty of a boyfriend was he if he didn't even know you were having a hard time? “Okay. Okay. Do you know what caused it?”

You breathed him in, wiping the tears from your eyes as you gathered your thoughts.

Mat felt you struggling to explain yourself and kissed your forehead. “It’s alright if you can’t explain it.”

"Just... Everything becomes overwhelming. Work, classes, my friends. I feel so… exhausted and alone… I stopped communicating with anyone. It’s too overwhelming to talk to anyone. I’m so anxious and hopeless. I feel like everyone is annoyed with me. I feel like shit. I feel like a fucking burden."

Mat quieted down for a few moments, letting your words sink in. Holy shit. You felt like a burden. He made it his life’s purpose as your boyfriend to make sure you never felt bad about yourself, and here you were so overwhelmed and hopeless you were shutting yourself off from the world. He felt miserable, he felt like he’d failed as a boyfriend. "Fuck.” His mind was racing. Was it something he did? Did he add to your anxiety? Did it happen because of him or in spite of him? How could he fix it? Well, for now he only knew one thing he could do. “Let's get you to bed first, alright? Then we'll talk about this.”

He peeled you out of your cocoon of blankets and lifted you into his arms easily, letting you dry your tears and silence your whimpers on the collar of his shirt, not caring how wet it got. When he finally laid you down in bed and tried to move away to change, you latched onto him, and he had to coo to you softly for your grip to loosen. "Hey, hey, lemme get out of these clothes, then I'll cuddle you, alright?" You weren't sure you'd ever heard his voice get this gentle and soft before, but it made you warm and helped to ease the anxiety inside of you.

"Mhm. Okay."

You watched with wet eyes as he smiled and pushed one strand of your hair aside with a single finger. He stripped out of his dress shirt and pants as quickly as he could before climbing back in beside you, pulling you into his chest and pulling the blankets up around the two of you. He lay a palm across your cheek, his thumb right under your eye to catch any tears, and pulled you in for a delicate kiss. "How do you feel?”

How did you feel? You felt scared Mat was upset with you for ignoring him, guilty for making him worry so much, but overall your anxiety had lessened ever since the moment he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m… better. I’m better now that you’re here.”

“Good.” He smiled against your skin, breathing in your scent. Shit, he had missed seeing you, hearing your voice. “Alright, baby. Obviously you've had a pretty hard time while I was gone. When did you start feeling like this?”

“I- I don’t know. It’s a build up. Maybe the last few days?”

“When you started missing calls?” You nodded, staring at his neck and not wanting to look him in the eyes. You were so humiliated that he was seeing this side of you. The broken side.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby. I get it. You said everything was getting overwhelming and you were getting anxious? And that you felt like everyone was annoyed with you? That's why you didn't answer me? You thought I was annoyed?"

You shrugged, taking a breath to steady yourself. "I was stressed and crying, and missed so many calls because I was crying… and then I ignored you because… I guess I thought you’d be angry with me.”

“Absolutely not.” His lips glided across your forehead. “I wasn’t angry, not even for a second. I was worried. You worried me, babe. You should’ve just told me what was happening. I would’ve tried to help.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I just...” You felt the tears start up again and Mat noticed too, and quickly pulled you in to lay kisses across your cheeks. "I overthink things when I’m anxious."

“Hey, no, don't apologize."

You felt his hands rub up and down your back, and that soft display of affection gave you enough confidence to form words. “I didn't know how to explain why I missed all those calls without telling you about…this. I didn't want to let you see this side of me. I thought you would break up with me. So it was easier to just ignore you."

"No, no, no, what?” he shook his head.  “Why would I break up with you? Over this?"

"Because I'm… overreacting? Unstable?"

Mat went silent, his arms tightening their grip around you. "...What?"

"You don't deserve someone so broken, who you have to keep putting back together."

"Listen, listen, listen." He tilted your face up to look at him, forcing you to be eye-to-eye with him. When you finally met his pretty, hazel eyes, you found nothing but love. No annoyance, no anger, only love, care, and urgency. "Do you have any idea how scared I was when I didn’t hear from you? When I walked in and saw you crying on the couch? That was like, one of my worst nightmares.” His voice cracked a bit. Not hearing from you had been hard on him. He could barely pay attention to the games, and it had shown in his playing. “Please, please don’t keep things from me because you’re scared of how I’ll react. I love you. You’re not overreacting. You're not unstable. You're not a burden. You're not broken, baby. Even if this side of you isn’t great, it's just another part of you that makes you, you. And I love you, so we'll manage this together, alright?”

“Together?”

“Yeah, together.” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m your boyfriend, we’re together, so you never have to go through anything alone, ever again. I’m always here. We’ll figure out some way to get through this. I promise.”

He leaned in to press a kiss against your mouth, all the urgency and care for you spilling out from his lips as they moved against yours. You would’ve stayed like that forever, but an aching in your head had you pulling back and burying your face in your boyfriend’s neck. 

“We can think about getting a doctor’s opinion, or get some at home activities or something to help keep you calm while I’m gone, or-”

“Tomorrow, Maty? My head hurts. Just hold me.”

"Anything you need, babe.” He readjusted your position in bed gently, careful not to hurt your head even more, and you ended up sprawled out on top of him with your face directly on his chest, his arms around your back. “I'm never going to judge you, so don't try to shut me out. Especially not when you're going through this. I don't want you to feel alone in this relationship, ever."

“I love you so much, Mat. Thank you for helping me calm down.”  

"I love you, baby. I love you. Good or bad, I love every side of you."

--

“Hear you falling and lonely, cry out:

"Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?

The end of the day, I'm helpless

Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?“

-Someone To Stay, Vancouver Sleep Clinic

[julie1706]

Julie’s incredibly aesthetic incredibly autumny list of movies that she maybe recommends (part 2)

Oh sweet joy! It turns out that there are many more great, fantastic, cosy movies (and tv-series!) just absolutely perfect for autumn. By popular demand, I return with even MORE autumny recommendations, and this time, there might even be spell-checking. (Looking at you, “Silence of the Lamps”) (I won’t edit that, because that’s just funny.) 

Thank you for reading the previous one, and I hope you’ll enjoy this one too! We have some GREAT ones coming up. I hope! Maybe! But what I believe will really perfect this second list, is the fact, that autumn is close to being at its peak right now, with it being October! Woohoo! 

Pumpkins, Jack’o’lanterns, spooky movies, Halloween, tricks and treats, fog, rain, candles lit in the dark, delicious tea, and scarves, because the chill is back in the air! Amazing! The aesthetics are to die for! 

I’m on a small break from university, and have actually been having some allowed free time, to do autumny stuff. By this I mean I can do autumny stuff with my family and friends, and not feel guilty, because this time I’m not procrastinating. Well, I’m a little behind on some books, but it’s not that bad. You’re allowed free time on breaks! They’re supposed to be mostly free time, anyone knows that. I refuse to be a good student on breaks! 

This free time means that I have actually had time to watch some of these movies and tv-shows myself, and so I can feel a little better about recommending most of them, since I’ve actually seen them. Hehe. Still. I do have other, boring stuff to do, like reading for uni, emptying the dishwasher, cooking, vacuuming, etc., so there will be some of these I’m including, I have not watched, and those will be, again, backed by the power of optimism. Yay! Anyway! You’ve read enough not-halloween recommendationing, and is getting bored - Let’s get to it! (Also, these are still in random order, and I will put warnings at the end, again <3)

Coraline

I remember watching Coraline when it came out in theaters, years ago. I also remember that we had a little closet-thing in the wall, small and closed-up, but still very similar to the one she goes into, in the movie. Needless to say, this was not a favorite for little Julie, who was absolutely scared shit-less by this movie. I remember button-eyes, decaying puppets, and a very scary mom. Now, I have not watched the full movie since, but from bits and pieces through the years, I can wholeheartedly recommend this one. It’s stop-motion, the details are incredible, and wow, this movie is great. If you, like me, are no longer 9 years old, watch it! It’s wonderful, and surprisingly, very feel-good in the family aspect. A great movie!

Official synopsis: 

An adventurous 11-year-old girl finds another world that is a strangely idealized version of her frustrating home, but it has sinister secrets.

//Warning: do not watch this, if you are around nine years old. It will absolutely traumatize you about small closets in old houses. If you are not nine years old, I think you’re good! Just the right amount of spookyness, I believe!

Sense and Sensibility

I watched this with a good friend in february, I think. So I’m not sure why I think this has to go on an autumny list, but I stand by it! Maybe it’s the beige and brown, beautiful clothing, the many shots of nature, and the relationships between these characters, that fits very well with the cold and chilling air, we find ourselves in, here in lovely October. I don’t know. Food for thought. But this is a great movie, and I really think you should try watching it under a blanket, with tea and a good friend. We didn’t know the story before we saw it, and it had us guessing! And there is a part my other friend Sif told me, always makes her dad cry, and I think that should be taken as a compliment to this movie! It’s great! Love, sisters, crisis and period drama (and great clothes), this movie has it all! (also - Emma Thompson!)

Official synopsis: 

Rich Mr. Dashwood dies, leaving his second wife and her three daughters poor by the rules of inheritance. The two eldest daughters are the title opposites.

//Warning: It might make you cry. But I promise, it will be a good experience, in the end. It’s not scary, though.

Over the Garden Wall (animated series)

Well, this one, I’ve been dreading to add to my list. Now, you must not misunderstand, it’s not because I don’t like it. It’s because this series is so great, so weird, so beautifully drawn and made, that I’m afraid I could write a whole blog post dedicated only to Otgw, and still not feel that I have done it justice. It's just so good. It’s like the someone just decided one day, to make a series, that absolutely, perfectly encompasses autumn and halloween, and then did just that. The storyline is good, the art is good, the soundtrack is good. God, the soundtrack. I’ve also made sure to listen to this show’s soundtrack, since we left summer behind, and it’s just so good. There’s a reason tumblr went wild, when this show was first released. But since this is an AUTUMNY list, let me focus on those aspects. Big dark woods, scary noises in the dark, red and golden leaves, fantastical beings - this show has it all, and trust me, it WILL get you in the mood for autumn. I almost started puking leaves and pumpkins when I watched this with my friends, that’s how pumped it got me. This show has a special place in my heart, and if you promise not to tell all the other movies and shows on the list, I’ll admit something: this might be a favorite of mine. Maybe THE autumny favorite. 

Official synopsis:

Two brothers find themselves lost in a mysterious land and try to find their way home.

Warning: May be a little spooky, but I have it on good authority from a friend that is a true scaredy-cat, with nerves of whipped cream, that’s it’s fine. She  could handle it, watches it every year, and she’s fine. Good levels of scary.  

Corpse Bride

Believe it or not, that same scaredy-cat of a friend, I just mentioned, actually instructed a musical, based on this story. Is she a horror-fan or not? I have no idea, but her show was so well-done, that it actually made me like this movie a bit better. I have seen it before, but she convinced me, by telling me the original story behind this movie, that it’s pretty great. And by association, this movie became pretty great, too. It’s been some years since I saw this, but it’s a pretty good halloween movie, I think. Dead people tormenting the living. Classic autumn stuff, I would say. And it’s pretty well-made, I think, stop-motion again! I like the aesthetic of a corpse bride, though you have to admit the actual thing is pretty sad. The premise is haunting and scary, but it’s more morose, melancholic and depressing, I think. Poor Emily. But a good movie! Sorry, maybe that wasn’t a very enticing description, but I promise, it will do you more good than bad, to watch it. And then go google the original story, the movie is based on! 

Official synopsis:

When a shy groom practices his wedding vows in the inadvertent presence of a deceased young woman, she rises from the grave assuming he has married her.

//Oops, nearly forgot a warning! Warning: some people are dead, and therefore rotting a bit. If you’re squeamish, don’t watch. If you love sad love stories, definitely watch!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Yeah, I’m not sure why this has to go on my Autumny List either, sorry. It just has to. I know it takes place over an entire year, but in my head, it jut fits very well with the whole magic, supernatural, foggy halloween times we find ourselves in. I mean, look at the cover! Maybe it’s the iconic scene, right before the troll is discovered in the girls’ bathroom (sorry, spoiler), with the floating jack’o’lanterns, and tables almost crashing undet the weight of candy and cakes, that convinced my brain, that this is a halloween movie. I don’t know. Just trust me on this, and watch the first Harry Potter movie. It’s pretty good. 

Official synopsis: 

An orphaned boy enrolls in a school of wizardry, where he learns the truth about himself, his family and the terrible evil that haunts the magical world.

//Warning: Nah, you’re good ;-)

Little Women (Important: 2019 edition)

Alright girls, we’re hopping genres again! This is another period-drama (sort of), about sisters, and wow, I cried to this. I bawled, I sobbed, I choked on snot, and was a little inconsolable, when I watched it with friends, at the cinema. One of the best experiences this year, and one of the greatest movies I have watched in a long time. I love everything about this movie: the family-bonds, the clothing, the many nature-shots, the developments of characters, (almost) all the characters, and just, wow. No good way to end that sentence, because I want to just keep describing all the good parts of this movie, because it's everything. It’s amazing, and yes, i’m exaggerating, but I can’t help it. I forgot to eat my popcorn or drink my water, when we watched this, that’s how mesmerized I was by this movie. I love Jo, I think I can empathize a lot with her, and if I could talk to her, if she was real, I would thank her for telling her story. This movie is great, you should watch it, because it makes you feel so warm inside. 

Official synopsis:

Jo March reflects back and forth on her life, telling the beloved story of the March sisters - four young women, each determined to live life on her own terms.

//Warning: Might make you break down crying. But in a good way. Very cathartic, actually.

Alien

I watched this for the first time last year, when I decided I was going to watch the classic older horror movies, and not freak the fuck out. I mostly succeed. And this movie was a joy to watch. That’s maybe weird to say about an alien horror movie, but wow I just love Sigourney Weaver, and the aesthetics of this movie. The story is thrilling, and I really did not like most of the characters, I thought they were hysteric and annoying, but I still rooted for them. It’s a different kind of horror movie, that’s for sure! But when I watched it, I totally understood why it has become such a classic.

Official synopsis: 

After a space merchant vessel receives an unknown transmission as a distress call, one of the crew is attacked by a mysterious life form and they soon realize that its life cycle has merely begun.

//Warning: Uh, yeah, Sif, this is not one for you. It’s gross and scary. Malin, I think you’ll like this one! Go ahead! Maybe we should see it together?

Edward Scissorhands

Haven’t seen this one! I want to, though. I think I’ve seen one scene, where this man accidentally pokes a water-bed, and younger me felt that was a very tragic thing, on more levels. Johnny Depp yet again, so it has to be good, right? I know this poor guy, Edward, has it rough, and was given some really not that practical hands. Man, he looks sad, huh? So maybe more sad than scary, yet again. Dont know! But I really do want to watch it. Winona Ryder is in this, too, so really, it’s a no-brainer!

Official synopsis:

An artificial man, who was incompletely constructed and has scissors for hands, leads a solitary life. Then one day, a suburban lady meets him and introduces him to her world.

//Warning: I don’t know? Maybe not that spooky? I think it’s more sad, to be honest.

Pride + Prejudice + Zombies

I mean, why the hell not - right? I love Jane Austen. I love Pride and Prejudice. And I really like halloween, so OF COURSE, I’m including this one. I’ve seen it, too. My friend Malin and I watched it a couple of years ago, and yeah, it’s good. It’s not high cinema, no, but I don’t need that. It was a fun, weird twist, and sometimes, that’s all you need. There is a very interesting scene with a corset, that was NOT in the book, and I think it really added something to this story. And Lily James. Whew. Great movie. Great for autumn. I will be watching this one again.

Official synopsis:

Five sisters in 19th century England must cope with the pressures to marry while protecting themselves from a growing population of zombies.

//Warning: I can’t really remember, but I think there’s some pretty gross scenes with zombies. Rotting flesh is NOT pretty. But just close your eyes for that, and  you’ll be good!

The Haunting of Hill House

I first watched this series when i came out some time ago. I never finished it, I don’t think my heart was in it, but by no fault of the show. Now, that the same creator has made another show, which my mom and I are hooked by, and almost through, I think I’ll be returning to this one - it deserves another chance! A great old house, ghosts, family secrets and INCREDIBLE aesthetics, mean there must be something here! Also, I think it’s based on a novel by Shirley Jackson, and it’s supposed to a classic horror novel, and Stephen King tweeted that he liked it, so yeah, it’s promising! The series I’m watching with my mom is spooky, but tumblr says the Haunting of Hill House is supposed to be much more spooky, terrifying, even, and I really want to find out if that’s true!

Official synopsis:

Flashing between past and present, a fractured family confronts haunting memories of their old home and the terrifying events that drove them from it.

//Warning: Very Scary! Faint of heart - Beware! Just enjoy this beautiful gif of Nell dancing by herself, and move on <3

Psycho

Another old classic! Woo! Have not watched, but really, I feel like that’s almost a crime by now. I HAVE to watch it. Soon, I’m planning to. Sadly, It’s old, and I grew up with the internet, so I’ve been spoiled oh so dreadfully, and knows all the bloody details and plottwists of this oldie but goldie. But I still want to watch it! It must be a classic for a reason - right? Also, I’ve never seen the full version of the famous shower scene, and that’s just embarrassing. Shame on me.

Official synopsis:

A Phoenix secretary embezzles $40,000 from her employer's client, goes on the run, and checks into a remote motel run by a young man under the domination of his mother.

//Warning: It’s a horror classic! It’s gotta be scary. Then again, it DID come out in 1960. Be careful about this one! Sorry, I have no idea, have never watched it.

Hannibal (the TV series)

It’s gross, it’s scary, it’s aesthetic, there is a danish elegant man eating people in snowy Baltimore, and you really shouldn’t pay him to be your psychiatrist. Hannibal! I first watched this as a young, edgy teenager, and all the blood and gore didn't get to me at all - I just enjoyed the cat-and-mouse game between Will Graham, our main character, very mentally unstable, and a dog-lover, and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a renowned psychiatrist, elegant, high-society - and also, he talks like a mixture of the bible and an old greek sonet. What I'm trying to get at is that this show is weird. Good weird. But also, now no longer an edgy teenager myself, it’s really gross. A man’s leg is cut off and served to himself. That’s gross. I didn’t like that, and I definitely covered my eyes. Other than that, it’s a very vivid show, with great focus on presentation and symbolism. I would love for someone to analyse each episode, because there's so much attention to detail. It’s honestly impressive. And after having watched many, many shows about crime and murders, I must say, this show has THE most buckwild, creative, never seen before ways of killing people. How the hell do you come up with a murderer using people’s different skin colors to make a mural? I don’t know. It’s disgusting, but man is it different. I’m halfway through season two, and there is a lot to unpack! Also, have to mention, very homoerotic - that’s a plus. Don’t think I could’ve stomached all the blood, otherwise. I hate blood, and wow is there blood in this show.

Official synopsis:

Explores the early relationship between renowned psychiatrist, Hannibal Lecter, and his patient, a young FBI criminal profiler, who is haunted by his ability to empathize with serial killers.

//Warning: Yeah. You read how many times I wrote ‘gross’. Just trust me on this one, it’s gross. It’s good, but maybe don’t watch it. You don’t need to introduce your brain to this.

The Haunting of Bly Manor

Ooh boy. Ooooh boy. This series is very good. VERY good. I’m watching it with my mom right now, I think we’re at episode 7, and wow are we hooked. It’s spooky, it’s haunting, it’s thrilling, it’s mysterious, and wow is it scary. We both agreed to go together, the first night we watched this, and our dog had to be taken out on his night-walk. She didn’t want to go alone, and i didn’t want to stay back at the house, alone. So we went together, and I was so freaked out that I nearly peed my pants, when some kids screamed in our neighborhood. It’s so very much what I want a ghost-story to be, but it’s also a lot more, and much greater for it. I love all the characters, they’re all so well-rounded, and most of them are good. The big manor is spooky, and the woods surrounding it are foggy and dark, and yes, this is really a great series for autumn and halloween. It’s the second series made by Mike Flanagan. There are some similarities between the two shows, and surprisingly, some of the same actors! I think that’s very interesting, and it also made me very confused, as I watched the first episodes of the Haunting of Bly Manor, and could not, for the life of me, figure out where the hell I had seen these people before. It made it even more eerie in a way, and I appreciate that. I love this show, and I think I’ll be very sad when we’re through with it. I guess the natural thing to do, will be to follow up with Flanagan’s previous horror series, The Haunting of Hill House! Also, there’s lesbians in this one. Very nice. I appreciate that. Also, surprisingly - I love the children! They’re so cool and brave, and it would be very nice if especially Flora could go with me, the next time I’m going to a haunted house. Such a badass.

Official synopsis:

After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose.

Warning: It’s spooky. It’s the perfect halloween series, so of course it’s very spooky! This gif I chose is spooky, and I promise the show itself is worse. But if you can handle dead people creepily staring in the background, and maybe has someone to watch it with, I think you’ll be fine!

Alright! We made it! Another spooky, aesthetic, autumny list, for us to enjoy this crispy season! Woohoo! Also, I’m sorry if there’s any spelling mistakes or whatelse, I hope you enjoyed reading anyway! Thank you! Now go drink some tea and relax, you’ve earned it. I recently tried chili-tea, and damn, that’s another recommendation from me! It was amazing!

Hope you have a great Halloween, it’s close now. Watch out for the cold weather, remember to bundle up, and don’t let the impending darkness get you down. Light some candles! And also, watch some of these spooky tv-series and movies with your family and friends! And have a great fall! <3

Love, Julie

[marauders70s]

a collection of dumb hp-p&r text memes

dumbledore, gesturing: could a depressed person make this???

mcgonagall: your hand is literally rotting off

---

harry: sometimes I feel like arguing with you is like arguing with the sun.

hermione: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME.

---

pansy: you look awful

draco: what up bitch i just ran a 5k

pansy: really?

draco: no i threw up blood in the shower

pansy: that fight with potter really got ya down huh

---

harry: hey ron are you okay

ron, wearing the locket, staring straight ahead at a tree: yeah i'm fine it's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.

harry: hermione it's your turn

---

sirius, at any minor convenience: everything hurts and i'm dying

---

goyle: I once knew a guy for seven years and never learned his name. best friend i ever had. we still never talk sometimes, because he's dead.

---

oliver: sometimes you gotta do a little work so you can ball a lot.

mcgonagall: that is incorrect

---

james, during house arrest: If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

lily, from the couch: oops

---

snape, at a christmas dinner: I can still smell her hair at night

dumbledore, pouring a generous amount of mulled wine: Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

---

ron: hermione, i'm not using your color coded talking planner

hermione: we need to get good grades on our OWLs!

ron: there's nothing that could motivate me to use it

hermione: well, there's nothing we can't do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.

---

harry: Professor, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.

---

ron: i'm going to tell you all my secrets

hermione: you don't have to do that

ron: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks

ron: I didn't actually break charlie's wand all the way I just hid it and forgot where

ron: I don't know who scrimgeour is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

ron: when they have 2 sickles a scoop on salamander eyes i'm not sure where the rest of the salamander goes

ron: when i was a baby fred turned my teddy into a spider and i got so scared my mum took me to a mindhealer and they wrote a textbook about me

ron: i once threw a garden gnome so hard that it hit my sister in the face and began attacking her

hermione, looking up from her book: what did ginny do?

ron: she bit it and it ran off.

hermione: classic

---

severus: no matter what i do nothing bad can happen to me. i'm like a white wizengamot official who pretended they were mind-controlled after the fall of the dark lord

lucius: I resent that

---

sirius: thank merlin my great uncle alphard just died so I am fluuuuusheeeeeed with galleeeeooonsss

remus: I'm going to regret this flatshare

---

seamus: i passed up a gay halloween party to see this troll. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Peverell Brothers make out with three Viktor Krums. It was amazing.

---

luna: We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, unpredictable creatures, and school. Or unpredictable creatures, friends, school. It doesn't matter. But school is third.

---

tom riddle: I totally hear you, but I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will release a giant snake in the bathroom

---

luna: would you like some -

hermione: no! I am going to run for minister of magic someday, so no, thank you. I mean, not that I haven't - I ate a brownie once at quidditch cup party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any potions in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.

---

sirius: do i look like the kind of person who drinks water

---

neville: flying is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but merlin, at what cost?

ron: okay, you don't have to join the pick up game -

neville: no no i want to be included. i'll come

---

james: What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

sirius: that's not right

---

mcgongall: I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

peter: this career counseling session is getting a bit intense

---

neville: how are you handling the...breakup...

ginny: I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Gilderoy Lockhart novel. Might as well lean into it.

---

dumbledore, in the staff room, extremely intoxicated: Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?

---

james: Goodbye, Lily Evans, my head girl partner. Hello, Lily Potter, my fallopian princess.

lily: i should have never married you. or at least made you wear a condom

james: what's a-

---

sprout: I’m a simple lesbian. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and man-killing plants.

---

sirius: A couple more rules: if you ever read a sad book, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no magic after breakfast.

peter: er i'm sorry this was the dorm assigned to me...

---

remus: Hogwarts Library is headed by the most diabolical, ruthless bureaucrat I’ve ever seen. She's like a death eater but instead of avada kedavra and crucio she uses shame and shhhing.

james: she wouldn't let him into the restricted section without a note

remus, choking back tears: I AM A PREFECT

---

pansy: I have never flown the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

---

hermione: If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality. for house elves and all beings.

ron: if i had a stripper's name it would be sugar striped candy pole for my -

harry: hermione, DON'T -

---

sir cadogen: You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble here at Hogwarts. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Morpheus Rane, a prefect in Slytherin house, and Wilhemena Batlock, a Hufflepuff seventh year. The original title of this painting was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for…obvious reasons.

---

bellatrix, in the afterlife: i regret nothing. the end.

---

harry: I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

tofty: I'm sorry but you WILL have to repeat your history of magic OWL

---

james: Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief - Denial, anger, picking on Peter, cat adoption, reckless dueling, cat returning to the adoption place, reading all Martin Miggs books in the series (what i was picking on peter for actually), and not giving a flying fuck.

remus: you can't say fuck

james: oh great i'm going to have to start the process all over again.

remus: peter, you'd better run

---

dudley: I’m allergic to magic candy. Every time I eat more than 80 sweeties I barf.

fred: how about...81

---

sirius: I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

remus: this is why we can't date in public

---

neville: I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three course meal where each course is made of dessert.

---

arthur: I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.

bill: dad maybe you shouldn't give a toast while fleur's family is still here

---

gilderoy: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

---

pansy: Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Parkinson motto.

draco: I thought the Parkinson motto is don't look at me you whore.

pansy: the motto is really more like a chapter book.

---

harry: You’re ridiculous and pureblood rights is nothing.

voldemort: wow

---

tonks: I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

sirius: cheers i'll drink to that

remus: put. the bowl. down.

---

eh, and just one for the road: “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope

[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

[kitty-cat-is-back]

What Am I Doing with My Life? Chapter 2

Pairing: Sero Hanta x Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: Holy moly guys! I know I said this is another post, but I am still in shock about how well recieved the first chapter was! Thank you so so much everyone! Now, I just want to say before anyone asks, I have no idea how long this will be. I’m basically just writing as I go, but I do know how I want it to end! Hopefully you guys will stick around til the end! Also, let me know if I should do a taglist for this! Anywho, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 1

Warnings: signs of depression, angst (I guess), a bit of cursing

‘How did I end up here?’

You sat stiffly at a wobbly table in the corner of the cafe, staring down at your lap intensely. Honestly, this just seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare. You hadn’t quite figured out which one it was yet. You hesitantly glanced up to see Hanta at the counter, chatting up the barista with his usual big smile. He hadn’t changed at all. Well… That wasn’t necessarily true. Actually, he had changed quite a lot. His once lanky body had filled out quite nicely with age, starting at the top with broad shoulders and going down to what you would assume was a muscled abdomen, or at least that was what the tight heather grey t-shirt was telling you. Your gaze traveled back up to his face, noticing his strong jawline and how well it complemented his features. You realize you might’ve been staring a bit too long when you notice him staring back at you, amusement in his eyes, and a cunning grin. Your eyes widen a bit before promptly looking back down at your lap, your face burning with embarrassment.

Hanta grabbed both of your drinks and came back to the table, taking the seat across from yours, “Here you go! A nice, tasty water,” he teased, “Are you sure you don’t want something else? I really don’t mind paying to get you something better,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

You cleared your throat and grabbed the water, “No, this is fine. Thank you though…” you replied softly, taking a quick drink in hopes it would smooth out all of your awkwardness.

Sero hummed in acknowledgment and kept his focus on you, “Well, anyways… How have you been? I don’t think anyone’s heard from you since graduation!”

‘Why is he being so nice to me?’

You adjusted uncomfortably in your seat and gave a small shrug of your shoulders, “Oh, y’know… I’ve been good. Moved here to go to school, got my masters in psych, and now I’m working as a therapist essentially.”

Hanta’s eyes lit up with interest, “Wow, really!? That’s so cool! You’re basically like a doctor! You were always pretty smart back then, so that actually shouldn’t surprise me all that much… Not to mention moving all the way to Chicago straight out of high school. That must’ve been a pretty tough challenge…”

‘He’s talking as if nothing happened…’

You laughed awkwardly, scratching your cheek in discomfort, “Well, I’m not a doctor! I think that’s offensive to actual doctors who did the extra schooling. I can’t prescribe any medication, but I do provide them with therapy and advice… And I guess the move was a little challenging, but after eight years I think I’m used to it. B-But enough about me! My life isn’t all that interesting, what about you?”

Hanta quirked an eyebrow, “Me? Well… I tried community college for a semester, but pretty quickly decided I wasn’t ready to take on four more years of schooling. So I dropped out and started job hunting. Had an office job for a while, but I wasn’t very happy doing that either. It wasn’t until one night when I was out with the squad that we all, drunkenly, of course, decided that we all hated our nine to fives and wanted to work for ourselves! So we made our own company! So now we get to work on our own time, make good money, and actually have fun doing it! Plus, we get to do cool things like going on a trip to Chicago with the excuse of it being ‘marketing research,’” he stated with air quotes.

‘His life sounds great, so why is he talking to me?’

“Wow, that takes a lot of guts, but at least it all turned out for the best. Finding happiness in life and job fulfillment is something a lot of people struggle with…” you noted, briefly pondering your own work-life balance, “But you said you’re on a business trip? For how long?”

“Yea, it’s for about two weeks. We wanted to make the most out of our vacation! But… We actually have to do a little bit of work. Katsuki would kill us if we didn’t!”

“...We?”

“Oh, yea! I came with Kaminari, which was probably a terrible idea in hindsight… Actually, I was just with him walking around the city and that’s when I saw you! I thought it was you that I walked past and I just had to be sure! Thank God it was you, otherwise, I would’ve just been a crazy person yelling in the streets,” he said with a cheery laugh.

“So… You just abandoned Kaminari.”

“...More or less, yes.”

‘How can he be so carefree?’

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy laugh. You couldn’t tell if it was from actual amusement or disbelief. You felt like you had been transported back to a time when you were… happy. You felt something you hadn’t felt in years and… you didn’t feel like you deserved to feel this.

Hanta could feel something uncertain left in the silence between you, “Speaking of this, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable by all this. That wasn’t my intention! I just happened to see you out in the street and my legs started moving to you before I even had a chance to think of what I was going to say if I got to you. I missed you, y’know?”

‘...what…?’

At those last words, your throat clenched and your eyes began to burn with tears. You’ve kept everything locked up so tightly all these years, not letting anything get to you. How was it that a few words were able to crack your walls? The shaky breath that you released along followed by a sniffle became an instant giveaway to your current state.

‘He missed me…?’

Hanta’s eyes practically bulged out of his head when he realized what was going on, “Oh shit, I’m so sorry! I’ve made you uncomfortable, haven’t I!? Fuck, I didn’t mean to make you upset…”

‘He missed me…’

You turned your face away from him and desperately started trying to cover up your blunder, “No, no! I’m fine! Don’t apologize! I um… There must be a cold breeze that’s blowing on me. Yea, the air is just making my eyes water… I’m n-not crying! I-” you paused when you felt a warm hand placed on top of your own. Your head snapped back and met Hanta’s eyes, shocked to find a loving and gentle look in them.

“Y/N… What’s wrong?”

You couldn’t hold back anymore. Tears streamed down your cheeks for the first time in years. When was the last time you cried? You don’t even think you could remember. You choked back a sob and lowered your head.

‘Everything.’

“Nothing,” you started.

Hanta squeezed your hand while gently caressing his thumb over the top of it, “Don’t act like I don’t know you. We might have gotten older, but you’re still exactly as I remember you. Bottling everything up until you burst. If this is about back then, I’m just going to set the record straight and tell you outright that I don’t care. That’s in the past and I wouldn’t have chased after you today if I was mad at you. Please… Just talk to me.”

You squeezed your eyes shut as you tried to get yourself under control, but it was no use. Hanta had made a large crack in your wall and you couldn’t patch it up. You weren’t ready to bring that up just yet, but you knew he wouldn’t just let this slide. You had to come up with something…

You shook your head, “No… It’s just-” you paused and swallowed thickly, “It’s… my apartment.”

Hanta narrowed his eyes, searching for any trace of lies, “...Your apartment?”

You nodded and sniffled, using your free hand to wipe away some of your tears, “Uh-huh… It’s um… There’s no light in my apartment. I have windows, but they face a brick wall of another building. Every morning I wake up in a dark apartment and just stare at the brick wall, hoping one day it’ll just turn into a nice backyard in the suburbs, like back at home. Most mornings, I don’t even want to get out of bed, knowing that even when I leave my apartment, it’s still dark outside. I thought when I moved here every day would be a fun adventure in the big city. But… Even when the sun is shining, it still feels… dark,” you finish, realizing even despite yourself, you still opened up. Just maybe not in the way he wanted.

Hanta stayed silent for a moment, processing everything you had said. It seemed real to him, but he knew there was so much more wrong than just where you lived, “Do you even want to live here anymore?”

“It was always my dream to live in a big city…”

“Well, what’s your dream now?”

You didn’t answer.

Hanta nodded, knowing that’s all he was going to be able to get out of you for now, “So… Your apartment, huh? Well, let’s go check it out! I’ve always wanted to see what a lavish big city apartment looks like anyways!”

Your head snapped back towards him, “Wait, what? No, Hanta, I don’t think that-”

“Besides, I consider myself to be a gentleman. If something is distressing you, I have to try and fix it, right? I think that’s written in the gentlemen’s code, right?” he retorted quickly, not giving you the chance to tell him no. He had a newfound mission and he only had two weeks to do it. He stood with conviction and pulled you up by the hand he was still holding, “Well, lead the way!”

‘Not again…’

[bratkook]

clairvoyant. (m) part five.

masterlist.

word count: 6.4k

author’s note: wow i finally dug out my drafts and wrote another chapter for this even though its been two fucking years!!! im honestly writing this for myself because im bored and in a rut so if you read it tysm. also finally decided who it’ll be centered around so enjoy.

warnings: just good ole fashioned dry humping and kissing

Everyone around you was saying their goodbyes, thanking everyone for working so hard and you took that as your cue to start gathering the equipment up. 

“Thanks Y/N, just take that to the storage room.” The photographer you and Yoongi were currently assisting pointed out to the far right. You nodded in understanding before unhooking all of the lights and tearing them down properly. A few people lingered behind, makeup artists gathering their supplies, wardrobe crew grabbing a few more snacks off the catering table, and Yoongi rolling up the white backdrop. 

It was your first day on the job and it just so happened to land on a shoot day so you were trying your best to make a good first impression so they wouldn't fire you before you even really started. 

So far everyone had been very welcoming and kind, no one yelling at you if you messed up a little so that got rid of your jitters. It felt nice to be able to work where you knew you could network and learn, the only photography experience you had at your old job was taking shitty pictures of the drunken idiots lying around near closing. 

“So how’d you like your first assisting job?”

You looked to the left and saw Yoongi standing at the door frame of the storage room, a smile on his face and his hands holding the folded backdrop. 

“It was great, seems like kind of a tease though because tomorrow we’ll be doing basic retouching on photos.”

He just shrugged after setting what he was holding down, “True, we get quite a few of these shoots though so make a good impression and someone might take you under their wing.”

You sighed as you locked the lights securely into place. Being taken under someone's wing before you finished school would be a blessing because it almost guaranteed a decent job after school was over and you were tossed into the great unknown of an art degree holding college graduate. 

“Thats what I’m hoping for.” 

The both of you rechecked everything was in its place and secure before turning the light off and locking up the storage room. Due to the fact the shoot day extended longer than a typical shift you were being paid overtime and let off once everything wrapped so you and Yoongi were headed to the nearest restaurant to get actual food in your system. 

Your scarf was wrapped around your neck snuggly to protect from the cold wind and Yoongi draped his arm around your shoulder as you both casually walked. In this split moment you felt content, a slight feeling of everything starting to fall into place and you let yourself bask in it. 

“What's got you all smiley?”

Yoongi looked at you with a small grin, his eyes focusing on your wide smile before shifting back up to your own eyes. 

You just shrugged before playfully tugging his black beanie down over his eyes, earning a grunt of annoyance as he shoved it back up. “I’m just happy.”

“Are you usually not?”

There was a beat of silence as you thought it through. 

“It’s not that I’m not, I’m usually just...living through it?”

He nodded in understanding, “I get you. Kind of just going through routine motions without really feeling much.”

A white cloud left your mouth in a huff as you sighed in agreement, “Exactly, don’t get me wrong there’s little tidbits of happiness scattered throughout but they’re just moments of happiness that pass as quickly as they happen. It’s been a while since I’ve felt happiness for the future and its exciting.”

You looked back over at him, seeing him nod because he fully understood. He was on the same boat as you, his parents much like yours weren’t supportive of his choice to pursue an art degree so you guys were scraping by and holding on to any thread of hope that popped up. The pair of you were just hoping everything would work out. 

“Anyways, enough with the semi depressive reality check. I’m hungry and there’s this new korean barbecue place that opened up a few blocks away. Wanna text everyone and meet up for a nice family dinner.” He chuckled at the end of that, and you joined in light heartedly before whipping your phone out and sending out a group text simply saying “Korean bbq, don't be a bitch and meet here in fifteen.”  

Low and behold, your group of friends were indeed not bitches, they all showed up as punctual as you would expect of them and they even brought along a straggler. This straggler went by the name of Jeon Jungkook and you couldn’t help but look at him with a smile, just seeing him trail behind Taehyung with his head slightly dipped almost like he was unsure if him being there was okay. Taehyung on the other hand paid him no mind and just waltzed in, his denim clad arms outstretched and a boxy smile on display as he approached the table you all sat around.

Him and Jungkook were the last to arrive so Tae decided to slip into the seat beside you, but not before slotting his lips against yours in a chaste kiss that seemed too casual. Like usual no one said anything and you just rolled your eyes with a smile and shoved his shoulder before redirecting your attention to Yoongi who was the master meat cooker.

Jungkook saw the small exchange and his want for coaching, as you so put it, was back. He wanted that, whatever the fuck that was that you and Tae had. Fuck, did that make him a typical fuckboy? Did this go against his morals of being a gentleman?

You had reassured him that it was fine as long as he was straightforward with whoever it involved and he had already set his eyes on someone. Now it was just a waiting game on if Jisoo the cute barista would be for it or not.

“Jungkook sit down!”

The resemblance to a deer caught in headlights was uncanny as he stared at you, realizing he had just been standing behind the only available chair as everyone stared back at him with their own food set up in front of them already.

“Oh, sorry.” His hands came up and ruffled his own hair in embarrassment before he sat down, “Just a little distracted”

Taehyung slid over an empty plate and pointed his chopsticks at him, “He’s been like this for a couple of days, what’s your deal?”

Everyone’s attention was back on Jungkook, including your own. His cheeks reddened slightly from all the eyes on him so he took it upon himself to just scoop up some rice to occupy himself. What was he supposed to say? Yeah sorry I got a lot on my mind like finding out Taehyung and Y/N fuck on the regular but aren’t dating and Y/N is gonna teach me how to do that with the cute barista everyone sees at the campus coffee shop?

“Just a school project.”

“A very hands on school project right Jungkook?” You couldn’t help but tease him, knowing exactly what’s been on his mind since you’ve been texting each other to come up with some kind of game plan on approaching Jisoo.

His eyes flicked over to you for a split second, only giving you a nod before nervously chewing on his lip. You couldn’t understand him, you really couldn’t. How could a man who looked like him be this shy when it comes to literally anyone? He could probably crush someone with his thighs for crying out loud, but here he sat with an aura surrounding him that just showed how unsure he was with himself.

He was a sweet kid, super respectful as far as you could tell, he just needed to learn that wanting to fuck someone while not wanting a relationship was completely normal. Sex was human nature and you were determined to get him to enjoy it as long as he was consenting to your help.

You kept your eyes on him, seeing him reach his plate over to get the meat Yoongi was offering him and mumbling out a thanks before turning his attention to Jin who was on his left and starting a conversation.

A small jab to your cheek via a chopstick snapped you out of your curious gaze, your fingers coming up to rub at the skin and looking to your right where Jimin was sat. “You into him?”

He had mumbled it out to you so quietly you almost didn’t hear him, a couple seconds passed before it clicked and you shook your head, “No, why?”

“You’ve been staring at him like he’s your next victim.”

You rolled your eyes at him and smiled before picking up some kimchi and shoving it into his mouth with no resistance from his part as he happily munched on it. “I don’t have victims Park Jimin.” The way his eyes slightly narrowed at you made it clear he was questioning why you were staring at him as intently as you have been, “I was just looking at him because he’s interesting don’t you think?”

Jimin shook his head because he had no idea what you even meant by that, “Interesting? He’s not a caged animal for you to observe you weirdo.” He was just teasing you, giving you a smile when he heard you laugh.

“That’s not what I mean, forget it. How was your mom’s brunch?”

At the mention of that his expression went blank and he poured himself a glass of soju and took a nice swig of it, “As amazing as you would expect.”

Jimin’s parents always went all out for these brunches, renting out the biggest places and inviting the A class elites of Seoul who would donate to whatever charity they were advocating for. They hassled Jimin every single time to network and find a girl they deemed worthy enough of him marrying and he absolutely hated it. He was the literal definition of a rebellious son, getting a kick every time he would get under their skin. Whether that was by going out on a date with someone they thought suited him and getting absolutely trashed and scaring said girl away, to getting his body tattooed and pierced against their wishes. 

Jimin knew how to play his cards right, he knew his parents would never fully cut him off as long as he was somewhat compliant with a few things here and there but he wasn’t going to be molded into whatever they wanted him to be. He was their only child so in his mind who else could they possibly hand off their money to?

“I told my mom you were my date for the thanksgiving event.”

You hummed as you chewed on your food, already knowing this probably didn’t end well. “How did she take that?”

His smirk just proved your suspicion, “Super well actually. Especially when I told her I think you’re the one and I’m thinking about proposing to you.”

What?!

You choked on your food, coughing like a mad man and pounding at your chest with a closed fist. Taehyung who was sat on your left immediately handed you a glass of water and patted your back to help you out. All the while Jimin continued to stare at you with that shit eating grin on his face, pressing the edge of his glass against his lips as he waited for you to speak again.

“Jimin what the fuck I never agreed to that.”

Taehyung was now intrigued by whatever conversation you two were having so he decided to eavesdrop while pretending to eat his food.

“Relax Y/N, obviously I’m not doing that. It was a small joke.”

“It’s not a joke if your parents don’t think it is!”

He pursed his lips at you, “Damn is marrying me really that repulsive?”

Taehyung laughed to himself at that, gaining Jungkook's attention who was now looking at the exchange between you and Jimin.

“No, shut up! That’s not what I’m saying Jimin. I’m just supposed to go to scare off all the girls that wanna latch onto you, I’m not there to piss your parents off, they probably hate me enough knowing you help me whenever you can.”

Taehyung decided to stop listening at that moment, striking up a conversation with Hoseok instead. He knew how sensitive you were when it came to talking about receiving help and admitting to needing it so he knew this wasn’t his business. Jungkook on the other hand didn’t have a clue so as he stared down at his rice his ears stayed hooked on the conversation.

Jimin pressed a reassuring hand on your shoulder, “Y/N, I promise I was joking. I didn't tell my parents that, I wouldn’t put you in that position. They don’t hate you by the way.”

That was a little hard to believe, Jimin was a very giving person, especially when it came to his friends. The rest of your friends were a little more financially stable than you were so the amount of times he would take it upon himself to help you, because you had too much pride to really ask for help, surely it stood out to his parents. 

“What I choose to do with my money is my business okay, my parents don't even notice where it goes half the time.”

You pushed the meat on your plate around with your chopsticks, your mood dropping down just a bit once you really remembered how much help Jimin gave you. You owed him a lot, and even though he says it's fine it doesn't make you feel any better about it. 

“Hey,” Jimin slowly spoke, slouching down and looking up at you from your downcast gaze on the table, “Y/N.”

When you only pursed your lips at the sound of your name he sat back up and slung his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side and wrapping both arms around you. He had his chin resting on your head, seeing the rest of the guys now looking your way. Yoongi mouthing out what the fuck did you do while Jimin responded nothing mind your business. 

“If I ever go overboard for whatever reason let me know and I’ll back off but if I can help you then I will and have no problems doing so okay?” He had mumbled all that next to your ear to not draw attention from everyone else. 

With a deep sigh, you mumbled out an okay and tried your best to go back to the dinner you and your friends were having. Jungkook had heard the entire exchange and he wanted to say something to make you feel slightly better but there was no way he could do that without feeling like he crossed a line by eavesdropping in your conversation. 

After a few moments the dinner had gone back to normal, all of you goofing around like you usually do, the guys including Jungkook in and making him feel like part of the group. When the time came to leave you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket so you slid it out to peek at the notification, momentarily confused when you saw Jungkook's name flashing on your screen when he was sat right across from you.

Regardless, you opened the thread of messages up and grinned when you read what he wrote.

Jungkook 8:45pm

Need help, Jisoo responded.

Jungkook 8:45pm

Can we go to your dorm?

Jungkook 8:45pm

Don’t want Tae to hear…

Right on cue, Taehyung slung his arm around your shoulders, not noticing how you locked your phone and slid it back into your pocket. All of you were now shuffling out of the restaurant, you and Taehyung in the middle of the swarm of your group that was now being reckless on the walk back to the dorms.

“Wanna go back to mine? I can try to get rid of Jungkook.” He whispered in your ear, kissing the side of your head swiftly as he waited for your response.

You slid your arm around his waist as you nuzzled further into his side when the wind picked up, “Can’t, Jungkook and I actually have some planning to do for his project tonight.”

At the mention of his name you could see Jungkook's back tense up from behind and you already knew he was listening in to your exchange while pretending to be invested in the ruckus Jimin was currently doing.

“Oh, planning? Is that code for fucking?” Your cheeks warmed up at his words, your palm instinctively smacking his side, “Cause, to be honest I don’t know how I would feel about you and my roommate banging.”

“Oh don’t be like that, sharing is caring right?” You teased, enjoying the suggestive look that took over his face, “But no, no fucking. I mean it when I say we’re planning for a project.”

He sighed and said alright before dropping the conversation altogether. The walk back to campus took a few minutes, your group huddled by the statue on the front corner of the campus as you said your goodbyes and dispersed. Jimin hopped into an Uber before heading to his apartment, Jin took off in his car to his own place while Namjoon, Hoseok, Yoongi and Taehyung hooked arms and stupidly walked across the quad towards the boys dorms. 

You looked over at Jungkook, seeing him smile at the guys’ antics, his eyes moving back to you and seeing your hands motion for him to follow you to the girl’s dorms. 

“Hey Y/N, who's this?” Joy asked with a smile from behind the front desk, hands already sliding over the notepad used for off campus guests. 

“Oh, Jungkook. I’m a student here.” He slid out his wallet and handed her his student ID. 

She hummed as she filled out his info in a separate notepad before handing it back with a smile. “Okay, well Jihyo’s doing her rounds for guests at 11:40 so if you’re planning on spending the night I’d recommend hiding around that time.”

Jungkooks face started to turn a light shade of red at the implication of him spending the night and now he was wondering how many times Taehyungs had to hide in your dorm on the nights he never came home and it also clicked when you’d make a swift exit out of his and Taehyungs shared room for a few moments when Namjoon made his rounds before sneaking back in when you thought no one would notice.

“Thanks Joy!” You winked at her, hooking your arm around Jungkooks and dragging him away while she fluttered her fingers in a goodbye wave. 

When you entered the elevator you felt Jungkook finally exhale, “Wow, she’s pretty.” Was the first thing he said. 

You could only laugh in response, “Oh, I know. All the girls here are Jungkook, and I’m pretty sure they’d all let you smash if you knew how to ask them.”

And now his blushed cheeks were spreading to his ears as well, he could see it in the warped reflection the elevator doors were giving him. Could he really just ask them? He felt like that would be the quickest way to get slapped to next week. 

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, you took the lead and walked out, turning left as your hands slid out the keycard that was in the small pocket in your bag. As you entered your room you noticed Wendy was gone, her side completely spotless as normal and a cute post it note resting on your desk. 

Went out for dick and by dick I mean getting absolutely hammered and crying into my street tacos, won't be back until tomorrow so feel free to get your own dick down here all night xo

Jungkook read the note as well, quickly acting like he didn’t when he heard you giggling to yourself as you set your stuff down. His eyes roamed the room, seeing the cute touches you and your roommate have added, one of which was a giant polaroid wall on your side with plenty of photos of you and your friends.

“Okay,” you clapped your hands together as you walked in front of Jungkook and set your hands on his shoulders to force him to sit on your bed, “what’s going on with Jisoo?”

He slid his phone out silently, opening up their thread of messages and handing the device over to you. You grabbed it from him and flicked up to the top of the thread. 

Jungkook 3:12pm

Hey, its Jungkook. Thanks for the free coffee

Jungkook 3:12pm

And your number. 

Jisoo 4:30pm

Hi! Sorry I just got off work but you’re welcome anything for my favorite customer. 

You continued to scroll, seeing Jungkook and Jisoo making nice, innocent conversation with each other. Jisoo kept implying wanting to see Jungkook outside of the regular visits to the cafe while Jungkook was either very oblivious or just didn’t know how to ask her out. 

“Okay, she wants you to ask her out Jungkook. Why haven’t you?” You hand his phone back to him, seeing him fidgeting with his fingers at your question. 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know how to properly ask her. What's a good date suggestion?” You slipped your shoes off and shuffled up on your bed beside him, choosing to get comfy. 

“If you want something short and sweet, I suggest going out to lunch somewhere near campus. You guys can talk and get to know each other and you can get a feel for this before you decide if you like her enough to pursue something or if you’d be down for something casual with her.”

He sighs at that, laying back against your bed and using one of your throw pillows to cushion his head from hitting the wall. “Okay, and if I decide I want something casual how do I bring it up? And if she’s for it and tries to get physical how do I go about it?”

“Well for one, you’re not gonna bring it up on the first date. That kinda stuff shouldn’t be discussed on a first date, not unless theres an obvious connection. I do have to advise you though, if you just want something casual you can’t treat her like you want something more.”

His thick eyebrows furrow at this, “Wait, what do you mean?”

“I mean, if after this one date you decide you just wanna sleep with her or make it a friends with benefits kinda thing you can’t take her on dates or act like a boyfriend. Odds are she’s gonna be the one to ask you what you’re looking for and its very important for you to be honest. Thats how you avoid hurting someone.”

You’re gently patting his head at this, feeling him nod along to your words, “Also, in terms of how to act if she decides to get physical then you kinda act on instinct. I know you’ve only slept with one person before but what about kissing?”

He shakes his head at this, “Not much experience there either. I told you Y/N, I feel completely clueless and I know I shouldn’t care but I don’t wanna be dubbed as the guy that sucks at everything.”

A giggle leaves you at his statement, “Jungkook that’s not gonna happen. Kissing is like second nature.”

He slides the pillow out from behind him and covers his face to let out a groan into it, “Easy for you to say, you don’t understand how many times I have to listen to Taehyung brag about how great you are.”

“At kissing?”

“Yeah, and other things.” He trails off. 

All you can do is sit there and think over his words, part of you wants to suggest he go to a party with Taehyung and make out with random girls before he asks Jisoo out if he’s so worried about being bad at kissing of all things but you know he wont be up for it. Another part of you wants to suggest helping him learn, one on one, but you’re also not sure how he’d take that. Even though kissing was entirely innocent in your eyes you really don’t want to make Jungkook uncomfortable. 

“Look,” you start off, sliding the pillow off his face, “I can show you, if you want.”

The fingers that were strumming on his stomach freeze at your suggestion and you immediately think you fucked up. Until his head tilts to look at you, his eyes wide in curiosity, “Really?”

He sits back up to fully look at you, “Yeah, if you want to Jungkook.”

You don’t expect him to nod as quickly as he does but considering he’s eager to learn it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise. “Please, as long as it’s not awkward for you.”

You shrug and say its not because it really isn’t, Jungkooks hot and kissing is your favorite pastime so you really dont mind. Plus considering you’re the one who suggested coaching him you kind of felt a tinge of responsibility to not let him go off with zero confidence with something as simple as kissing.

He could only sit there and you know he doesn’t know how to initiate it because of the position you’re in so you stand up and go to stand right in front of him. With the height of your bed and his height when you stand right in front of his sitting frame you’re only slightly taller than him. 

“Okay, lets start slow yeah?” He nods, his tongue running across his lips in anticipation. You nudge his thighs apart so you can slot between them more comfortably and gently rest your palms on his jaw, getting closer to him. 

“You can touch me, whatever feels natural okay?” He can only nod again, maintaining eye contact for a moment before looking down at your lips and seeing the smile on them. His eyes flutter closed when you finally press your lips together, his lips feel soft against yours and it only lasts a moment before you’re pulling away and his lips try to chase you back. 

“How was that?” He immediately asks, not noticing that his hands had found their way onto your hips. 

“Good, not too stiff. We’re gonna move on now, just try to follow what I’m doing.”

Your thumb traces his bottom lip before your hands go back to cupping his jaw gently. This time he closes the distance between you two, his lips slotting between yours easily with a little more pressure than last time. 

You test the waters, letting him get used to the actions of open mouth kissing, feelings his lips relax after a while. He lets out a small gasp of surprise once he feels the tip of your tongue lick the seam of his lips. The grip he has on your hips tighten and you give him a few more seconds to adjust before you take it further. 

One of the hands you have on his jaw slides down to grasp the hand on your hip and you drag it up so he could cup the back of your head. Your fingers dont leave his hand until he has a decent grip on your hair. 

His mouth opens up a little wider, letting you slide your tongue inside and his eyes slip open for a second at the new feeling. Its wet, and a little ticklish but the sound of your lips smacking together and the small groans of pleasure you both slip out are making a small fire light up inside him. 

The hand gripping your hair tightens up and he tugs gently, kissing you harder when he hears the small moan that leaves your mouth. Its pure instinct that has you swinging your legs over his thighs and straddling him on your bed, not noticing just how comfortable you’ve gotten until you find yourself grinding down onto him and thats when you stop. 

You pull back, a small string of spit pulling apart between your lips and he doesn’t seem to even notice your new position. His eyes are half lidded and his breathing is harsh and the way his tongue comes out to catch the spit on his lips makes you want to dive back in but you snapped out of it. 

“See, second nature right?” 

He finally seems to realize you’re on his lap when he looks down and sees how flush you are to him, “Yeah, want more practice though.” He doesn't give you time to respond before he’s using the hand still in your hair to pull you towards him again and this time he’s leading the kiss. 

He tilts his head and licks his way into your mouth, groaning when your tongues tangle together. He never realized how messy kissing could be but he thought it was hot. You can tell he wants to speed up but you keep your movements slow, knowing that the buildup is the best part, the feeling of your tongues playing tag or your tongue tickling the roof of his mouth before you pull back slightly to suck on his bottom lip. Those moments were always your favorite when it came to making out. 

Jungkook starts to grow more comfortable, both his hands now coming to grip the back of your head and the other sliding up right beneath your jaw as the kiss grows deeper. And that's when your hips start grinding down again, this time Jungkook notices it right away and he pulls back to let out a moan. 

“Sorry, is that too much?” Your lips are shiny and he can’t look away from them, “I know we said kissing but I didn’t really ask about this.”

His hands fall limp and just as you’re about to hop off they come back to life to rest on your hips, using them to slide you back across his lap, “No, I like it. Its uh, for the experience right?”

You nod at this, not giving it much thought because you just want to go back to kissing him. The logical side of you wanted to stop because you’re just supposed to be showing him the ropes on kissing on a first date and odds are Jisso’s not gonna hop on his lap in the middle of lunch in public and do this but the other side of you wants to see him fall apart underneath you and that part of you is winning. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” You let his hands control the motion of your hips while you go back to kissing him. The flavor of the chapstick he had on is all you can taste as the kiss grows more heated. Your hands wrap around his shoulders as you pull yourself even closer to him, speeding up the rocking of your hips and feeling Jungkook choose to place his palms on your back, wanting you just as close. 

The shudder of his breath fans across your face when he pulls back to let out another groan but you don’t want to pull your lips away so you trail them down his jaw until you reach the spot just under it when his jaw meets his neck. 

When he feels your tongue on his skin along with the gentle sucking he can’t help but rock his hips up into yours, “Oh fuck.” He keens, applying more pressure with his hands to encourage you to grind on him faster. 

“Feel good Jungkook?” You ask, nibbling on his skin softly before trailing your way back up to his lips, not slowing down the motions of your hips. 

“Yeah,” he gasps, his eyes are blown out and he knows hes about to cum in his pants like a teenager but he doesn’t care. “So good.”

“Good.” Is all you respond, your lips coming together again to resume the motion that seems familiar now. 

Jungkooks moans of pleasure are becoming more frequent and the feeling of him blowing his load right underneath you is making you embarrassingly wet, but right now its all about Jungkook. You can deal with your problem later. 

“Dont stop, please.” He breathes out between kisses, his eyebrows coming together when he feels his climax approaching. 

“You gonna cum?” You ask him, keeping your face close enough to his where you can feel his breath tickle your cheek at the proximity. 

“Fuck, yeah.”

You speed up your hips, grinding down a little harder and grabbing one of his hands again to grab your boob this time. He gives them an experimental squeeze, moaning again at the feeling of them. 

“C’mon Jungkook, you can cum.” His eyes are open now, looking directly at you and when he sees the fascination in your eyes at watching him fall apart he loses it, letting out a small wine as his body tenses up, his hips coming up to rut against yours as he rides out his orgasm. 

He drops his head forward to rest on your chest as you continue to grind against him to milk out the feeling, his body shuddering at every roll of your hips until he’s whimpering at the overstimulation. 

You still your hips and let him bask in the feeling, his back rising and falling as he tries to catch his breath. 

“Jesus christ.” Jungkook pulls back from you, a dopey smile on his face that can be attributed to post orgasm bliss. “Does kissing always lead to that?”

“No, not always, but its fun when it does.” You smile back at him. His body is definitely loosened up now and just as you’re about to speak again a hard knock comes from your door. 

“Fuck, thats Jihyo making rounds.” Your arms are still around him but you know you need to answer the door before she uses her master key to unlock it for you. 

Jungkook groans quietly when you get off of him, any movement on his sensitive dick being too much for him to handle right now. He’s happy he chose to wear black pants and a shirt that will definitely cover the wet spot of cum because when you stand up off of him it is glaringly obvious what it is. 

The room door clicks as you slide it open and he sees you greet Jihyo with a smile, “Hey Y/N, he’s gotta be outta here in 5 minutes.”

Jungkook can only awkwardly sit on your bed as the exchange goes down, “Yeah, no problem. We were just working on a project.” He sees Jihyo look you up and down, noticing your swollen lips and disheveled hair before she looks at Jungkook who stupidly covers his lap with the pillow beside him. 

“Right. I’ll be back in a few to make sure he’s gone.” You nod before stepping back and shutting the door behind you. 

“Sorry about that, I forgot what time it was. Do you want me to walk you to your dorm?”

Jungkook stands up from his position, shaking his head at your offer. “No it’s fine. I really should get going now anyways, that essay for creative writing is due tomorrow and I need to finish editing it.”

“Oh shit, you’re right.” Your hands comes up to your face, your teeth going to chew on your fingernail as you think of having to edit the monstrosity of the essay you wrote while you were delirious with sleep. 

“Uh thanks for–“

“For giving you the best orgasm of your life? Yeah, no problem.” You wink at him, enjoying the flustered look that immediately takes over his face. 

He lets out a chuckle, happy that you’re not making this awkward, “Really though. Thank you.”

You can only shrug, “You should really text Jisoo though, she’s not gonna reject you and if you kiss her like that she’s definitely not gonna turn down any offer you give her.”

Jungkook doesn’t fully believe you but he knows he has to bite the bullet and do it. He gives you a hug and says goodnight before he shuffles out of your dorm and into the elevator. 

Now that he’s in a brightly lit place he once again looks at the warped reflection in the elevator doors, using it to fix his hair the best way he can and adjust his shirt and jacket to cover the wet spot on his crotch before he exits it. 

Joy spots him as hes about to leave and lets out a whistle, “Y/N take you for a wild ride huh?” She teases him and he blanks, not really knowing how to respond until the automatic excuse comes out, “We were working on a project.”

“Mhm, some project. Bye Jungkook.” She waves him off with a giggle, enjoying how flustered he gets. 

Jungkook all but runs across the quad, wanting to get out of the cold as well as into his room to slide out of his sticky ass underwear and pants. He uses his key card to open the dorm buildings doors, waving at Baekhyun before hopping on the elevator and making his way up to his floor. 

When he slides into his room he really wasn’t expecting to see Taehyung still awake, resting on his bed against the wall where the giant canvas of his ass was hung up. 

“Oh, hello.” Taehyung spoke up first, his eyes raking over Jungkook entirely. “How was the progress on your project?”

He knew Taehyung was asking an innocent question but Jungkook couldn’t help the pang of guilt he felt at it. He knew you and Taehyung weren’t together but he still felt like he was crossing a line by letting you give him an orgasm without his roommate knowing. Especially since Taehyung always boasted about the amazing orgasms you gave him, it almost felt like those were reserved for Tae only and he had just snatched one off the shelf.

“Oh, it was good.” He spoke up quietly, walking over to his closet to grab his pajamas, “Got a lot done actually.”

Taehyung had his eyes glued to Jungkook’s back as he rummaged in his closet. There was something off about him and he just couldnt put his hands on it until Jungkook slid off his jacket and shirt for his pajama shirt and turned around without a second thought to slide his pants off. 

“Dude!” Taehyund gasped in shock, his fingers pointing directly at Jungkook's cum stained pants. 

Jungkook looked down with wide eyes when he realized Taehyung could clearly see. “Did you catch a glimpse of Y/N’s tits when you were studying and busted a nut in your pants or what?”

Mm well no actually just good ole fashioned dry humping is what he wanted to respond with but he chose to deny until he died. “No! I spilled something on my pants at her dorm.”

Taehyung didn’t believe his horrible excuse for a second but didn’t want to continue to tease him, “Whatever dude, go shower. I don’t blame you, she’s hot I bust a nut just looking at her too, now imagine what her pussy feels like.”

Jungkook didn’t even want to respond to his raunchy comment, simply gathering his shower cubby and towel before leaving to go shower. Except now thanks to Tae he really couldn’t stop wondering what your pussy would feel like around his dick.

[hyperfics-ation]

(6 Underground fic. idk what to call it. shameless oc insert.) *Police brutality mention*

Films: 6 Underground 2019

Word Count: 1,752

Pairing: billy!four/oc

Description: You were Arianna's first friend in New York City which is why One helped you fake your death when you get into trouble. It's never stated in the story but that's why.

Without anywhere to go, he gives you a home at the base while he assembles his team. Eventually you meet Four and he makes "dying" worth while. 

When One cut all ties to his old life it was because he had a mission. A purpose to fulfill. Same goes for the rest of the team. Each member was handpicked.

Except for you.

You were never part of the plan so you didn't get a number.

Obviously this made introductions a little complicated when One introduced you to Two.

The CIA spook, already dubious about One and his motivations, raised one eyebrow and sized you up quickly.

You smiled awkwardly, sensing that a formal handshake was out of the question. "Just call me Zero," you joked halfheartedly, trying not to fidget under Two's critical gaze.

Just as you broke out in a nervous sweat, Two finally looked away and motioned for One to follow her out of the trailer. It didn't take a genius to figure out what she wanted to discuss privately.

Did One seriously believe it was a good idea to involve a civilian on what was most likely going to turn out to be a suicide mission?

What did a nobody like you really bring to the table, skill-wise?

You didn't have a good answer to either of those questions and honestly neither did One.

Anyway, faking your death had been an experience™ and the adjustment period after had been hard. One hadn't been the most sympathetic. Not outwardly. After all, you were never a part of his grand plan. You were the wrench that got thrown in the plan. You felt kinda bad about that sometimes. 

···

When One was ready to go recruit Two, he thought it best you stay behind. 

"Sure. I'll be fine," you reassured him with a soft smile that didn't quite reach your eyes. 

The expression on his face made it very clear that he did not believe you. But he said nothing, already behind schedule. 

You woke up the next morning bracing yourself to face the next couple of weeks on your own. Except you weren't alone. A big ass dog sat patiently at your bedside, tongue wagging and panting softly with a note tied to his collar. 

Take care of the dog while I'm gone. P.S. Don't let him eat my stuff.  -One. 

You named the dog Wally. 

···

Three's arrival was really something. 

He was the complete opposite of Two. His easy going nature actually reminded you a lot of One. They were alike in a lot of ways, but maybe that's why they did not get along very well. Honestly, you could only stand the both of them in the same room for so long. 

But he was nice. And he talked to you. Your conversations weren't anything particularly deep. One's rules forbid any of you from revealing personal details about your old lives. Mostly you discussed movies and TV shows. 

Regardless, you lived for those benign conversations. They provided a brief intermission to the insane turn your life had taken. 

···

One could tell you were struggling. 

Wally the dog was only so much company.

You were adrift with nowhere to go, no one to turn to. 

Your old life was gone and the only people left in your life was One, Two, and Three. They all had their own issues and it wasn't like you had any shared life experience with the older adults. 

So maybe One had an ulterior motive when he recruited Four. 

The first day the Skywalker showed up with his still healing bruises and luminous blue eyes, you laughed until your face turned red. 

"Skywalker? We're not seriously going to call him that are we?" you wheezed in One's direction, swiping tears from the corner of your eye.

One opened his mouth, the perfect retort poised on his tongue before you swiftly cut him off. 

"Is he a fucking Jedi? Are you are Jedi?" 

Your raucous laughter had faded into barely stifled giggles as you looked at Four. 

He sighed. "Are you done? I need a drink." 

He brushed past you as you were still reeling from the spine tingling deep tenor of his voice paired with that accent. Now your face was flushed for a different reason. 

"Hey, be easy on him. He just watched his own funeral, which was somehow more depressing than a normal funeral should be," One told you, making you feel like a dick. 

···

Five was a godsend. Though, if One ever heard you admit it, you were sure his ego would explode at being compared with a god. 

You were just happy to be around the closest thing to a civilian. 

“You like him, don’t you? Number Four?” she asked you with a knowing grin. 

Almost immediately your face went red. “I don’t know what you mean. Who? Me?” 

Wow. Real subtle, you thought, cringing. 

Yeah, you weren’t fooling anyone, especially Five. You wondered if any of the other ghosts knew about your crush on Four. 

They did. But no one said anything. 

···

Six figured it out within hours of meeting you and proceeded to tease you relentlessly. 

So much for millennial solidarity.  

The longer he was around, though, he  became like an older brother to you. You couldn’t imagine what life would be like without him.

···

With One’s team of ghosts finally assembled, Two insisted on a mandatory training exercise to assess how well everyone worked together. You had no fucking idea why she wanted you to attend this exercise. One had already made it very clear that you were not part of the mission. But you suspected she was actually trying to do you a favor. 

The self defense pointers were useful, you supposed. Being paired with Four was… embarrassing and definitely Two’s idea of a joke. 

On the other hand, you were finally seeing a different side of Four. A more arrogant, carefree side that made you laugh not to mention pine a hundred times harder than you were before. 

Just when you were starting to have fun throwing Four around on a mat, Two steered you towards a makeshift gun range.

It had been a while since you held a gun and considering what happened the last time you did…

Needless to say you were pretty shaky afterwards, teetering on the verge of spiralling into a flashback and Four couldn’t help but notice. 

···

Later, when you were hunkered down in One’s office mindlessly rewatching Leave It To Beaver episodes Four surprised you by joining you. 

He didn’t say anything for a while, content to just sit and watch the little TV as you tried to ignore him. 

"So how did you get pulled into all this, really?" he spoke up, finally as the credits started rolling. 

You took your time answering. That was the billion dollar question that One had repeatedly forbid any of them from answering. Except, you wanted to tell someone if only to justify being a ghost. If you could get anyone on the team to believe that someone as unremarkable as you wouldn't be here if you had a choice. 

You steadfastly avoided looking into his curious green eyes. 

"I grew up in a small town. I was fairly popular in school. Got good grades. I was accepted into a good University in a big city..." 

Oh boy, you were veering into monologue territory and you could feel the old wounds tearing open. 

"There was… this cop. At a protest. He assaulted me and it was... bad. I woke up in the hospital with this guy telling me to keep my mouth shut. He… he threatened me. For weeks. Him and his buddies. Painted me as a criminal even though I didn’t fucking do anything wrong.  Finally I just said 'fuck it' and made a whole video about what this asshole did to me. Which turned out to be a mistake. Shocker, I know. He cornered me the next day and he was drunk-" 

You bit your lip hard, desperately fighting back tears. Four’s gaze burned where you could feel it on your face. God, what was he thinking right now? You wanted to know. He had been silent so far, listening intently as you told him about the worst moment of your life.

“Fucking pigs,” he muttered under his breath, his lip curling in disgust. 

Swallowing the lump of emotion building in your throat, you continued, "I defended myself. And that's how One found me. Over this cop's dead body. I was going to go to jail because who would ever believe I killed a cop in self defense? So, One helped me fake my death and gave me a second chance. To this day, I still have no idea why he was there when I needed him the most. It wasn't even to recruit me. He just helped me because he could. The whole Turgistan thing came later."  

At last, you glanced at Four from the corner of your eye to see his reaction. 

His brows were knitted together and he had a serious expression on his face you weren’t accustomed to seeing him sport before. 

“I’m glad One was there to help you or I might not have ever met you.” 

This boy was too good to be true. 

“I'd like to get to know you better, if that’s alright.” 

You were quietly crying at this point, but you nodded, smiling through the tears. “I’d like that.” 

Read Part II here

[dipplie]

Temporary list of my stories and OC’s until one day I make a comprehensive and well made list:

Blinded:

Polli: My oldest OC and fun fact was my persona till she become edgy and I wasn’t 12 anymore. Everyone’s favorite yes yes I’m aware. Yellow, energetic, eats dirt and bugs, I can’t tell if she’s evil because of a wisp possession or just crazy. Breaks the 4th wall. Is she a Mary Sue???????? Who knows.

Melody: NOT Polli’s girlfriend despite Polli’s delousions. Has an abusive mom :(. Only has one eye and then no eyes and then robot eyes or smthn idk she becomes a badass when she gets older. But otherwise trembling in her shoes all the time.

Melodys Mom/Sharren: Bitch. Okay well all I’ll say is she’s old and grumpy and probably smells bad.

Louise: Total hotty, rich kid, FtM, got bullied as a kid for his weight. Had a squad of fans basically in high school. Lived with his mom after his parents got a divorce but his mom was semi abusive, projected her femininity onto him, and wouldn’t have been supportive of his transition, so between middle and high school he went to live with his dad and got his sex change and testosterone. His best friend in elementary and middle school stopped talking to him after his transition, and became his competition for the most attractive and sought after boy in school (except Louise is a sweetheart while his friend Tommy is a dick and really gross) His dad runs a company that specializes in technology, and after meeting and falling in love with Melody (even after all her abusive trauma and losing both her eyes) he has his dad and some of the developers create a way to get her vision back and I mean honestly I love him how could you not love him he’s so perfect.

Watching:

Fick: Big nerd boy with thick glasses. I feel like he’d use Reddit but don’t quote me on that. Big crush on Vivinya. Boy don’t wander into the woods- oh look dead body with a curse on it don’t touch it- aaaand now he has a wisp that makes him kill people, way to go kid. Panic attack central.

Vivinya: True crime girl, yucky yucky. Probably had a knife collection. “uwu I’m insane” except she actually is and starts using Fick to kill people for her and treats him like her “Yandere boyfriend” or something cringe and gross oh god. She deserves jail. JAIL. Needs to learn guys need to give consent too. Just overall sucks 1/10.

Tommy: I mentioned him early to be Louises ex best friend and rival. He used to have a crush on Louise actually but that don’t excuse being a BITCH!!!! Also needs to learn people gotta give consent he is just as gross as Vivinya. Cheats on all the girls he gets with because he’s again, a bitch. Idk if he deserved to get murdered though I mean he was still a teenager but it’s fine. Thinks of the song Seventeen from Heathers actually this story does feel a tad reminiscent of heathers with vivinya being a crazy and wanting to off a bunch of students. Huh.

Suzannie: Tommy’s older sister who’s a detective. What a coincidence. Monotone and depressed. Probably because her little brother got murdered. Gets real awkward when she’s talking about her brothers murder(s) to Fick and Vivinya like “when I find who did this to him they’ll regret being born”. Kind of really pretty actually.

Adolescents (there isn’t actually a story here yet but don’t worry about it shhhh):

Nelson: HIMBO HIMBO H- Jock stupid idiot big dork god he’s so awkward and his main personality trait is having a crush on Naomi and being a dork when talking to her. Probably could benchpress you.

Naomi: Gamer or something and a nerd geek. Her main personality trait is having a crush on Nelson and also being a dork when talking to him. Probably a weeb and fandom dweller. Can’t draw but she commissions artists to draw. She does write copious amounts of fanfiction though.

Andrés: Ohhh the school bad boy babyyyy. Baseball bat with nails in it or something. There’s like... A thing between him in Charlotte and he wants to be a thing but she’s being difficult and makes it hard to talk to her or about her and ugh.

Charlotte: Princess, high school princess. She’s actually pretty nice when you get to know her- but she’s a diva. Ballerina after school. Best friends with Naomi and doesn’t know what she’s talking about when she mentions ships or OTPs but she listens anyways because she’s a good friend. There’s like... A thing between her and Andrés but she doesn’t know if she’s super into him but geez he’s really hot but she gets such mixed responses when she asks her friends about it and what if it doesn’t work outttt.

Marlon: They/Them but they’re okay with either pronouns they aren’t sure yet, he or she is okay... Box boy box boy. Autism... He doesn’t want to admit He’s attracted to men but he’s totally attracted to men. He lives alone which is probably illegal for his age but somehow he manages. Everyone thinks he’s “the quiet kid” and he’s really sad about it no don’t make jokes like that please guys ahh-

Sing for Me:

Kat: The color pink, addahadda(adhd), angry and loud and short. For being only like 10 and being an adorable little lesbian dressing in sparkly pink dresses she actually likes screaming a lot and would totally sing heavy metal if her producers let her. Loud and mad but gets so soft around her girlfriend. “If anything happens to Brie I’m killing everyone in this room and then myself”.

Brie: French... Birds and stuff. Loves her girlfriend even though she is so loud. So fast. So much. Likes to write pretty things. Is only like an inch taller than Kat. Filled with so much love for everything.

Elliot: The girls manager. Lots of coffee. Stressed out of his MIND please help this man. Probably gay. Seems like a smug dick but he is just a tall and lanky dork that loves puppies and wants nothing more than for Kat and Brie to be happy. Accidentally brands them as sisters and then Kat kisses Brie and- oh fuck oh shit oh no what has he done. Hides the fan and non fan responses from them. Poor guy.

Horror Hosts:

Ichabod: Hot demon who’s the son of the current ruler of hell or something. I mean he’s hot, smart, and royalty, what more do you want. I very specifically hear the dub voice of Kyoya Ootori from OHHC as his voice don’t @ me. Goat legs????? Yeah??? Don’t be rude.

Barnabie: Ohhhhhhhhh big orc teddy bear I’m crying I love him????? He puts up a more confident ploy and the given stereotypical personality orcs supposedly have but he’s just a shy boy that wants to give girls flowers and call boys pretty. Help him.

Garrison: Gary Burger. Fat hairy gay man. I mean werewolf. Wouldn’t it be funny if I made the whole werewolf thing backwards and made him transform into a HUMAN only on the full moon??? Party animal, pun absolutely intended. LOUD AND FUNNY he’s a dork. Bites. Horny on main Garrison please you’re supposed pamper and flirt with the guests but not quite that much.

Vincenzo: Token Vampire but he’s Italian because I felt like it. Talk and lanky of course. Bitch face. Blood coffee? Yeah lots of coffee. Tired. Let him sleep in Ichabod. Steps on people. Can summon and reanimate corpses but has a bitter attitude towards them because they get annoyed with him as much as he gets annoyed with- everyone else. He does have a soft spot but idk where it is. When he’s talking to guests he’s more suave and sexy though.

Kai: Genderfluid haha get it because slime fluid-... I’ll stop. Probably objectively the hottest because they can look anyway they want and shift their vocals to sound like almost anything, also probably objectively the best in bed (if you’re okay with the texture of Jell-o) and honestly come on save some for the rest of us it’s not fair. This boy can SING oh my god seranade me and whisper in my ear baby. Spunky and sassy.

Hallvor: BABY OCTOPOD BOY OHHHHH I LOVE HIM HE’S SO SWEET AND IS AN ANGEL DARLING BOY SO EMBARRASSED SO SHY SOFTEST VOICE OHHH- ohhh nooo he’s got a knife ohhhhh Hallvor baby don’t be like that ohhhh... Used to work in hentai actually (I wonder why) but quit because of immoral practices and good for him we love that. Okay he’s not actually a yandere or whatever but he DEFINITELY wants to squeeze you a little too hard and has those crazy eyes.

Carla: Main character of this OHHC monster clone. She sucks I don’t like her because listen listen she kills monsters as a living and when she tries to kill our boys here, Ichabod catches her and goes “no” but then the rest (not knowing her murderous intent) fall in love with her and Ichabod is like: “shoot well I’ll keep you alive and around but I’m watching you” and blah blah romance and feelings and character development and wow she seems like she’s grown to care about them... So Ichabod removes a curse he put to prevent her from harming them or leaving... AND THEN SHE STABS THEM ALL IN THE BACK IM CRYING. I mean she might have an extra reason for needing to kill them but I haven’t decided if I want to actually put it in the story yet so.

Fingertips:

Maria/Marianna: Was this goth angry chick and the head of these losers but after a failed heist, fire, and being betrayed and dropped from a window on a 3rd or 4th story down into flames, and going to the hospital and changing her name, she changed totally and become a soft pretty girl... And then the next three boys went “HEY BOSS WE FOUND YOU” and she went “oh no” and now she’s just an anxious wreck like “no no no no no I don’t shoot people in the face anymore no no no no no” And has a fear of hands. Also was Diamontés best friend in primary school and yes all these characters went to the K-12 school all the other characters do/did. Pretty voice. The story is mostly about her being anxious around all the other characters because who was it that betrayed her and dropped her into the flames below? Find out next week on th-

Nikki: He’s that character that you see and immediately go “oh he’s gross and is angry and is a bitch” and you’re right he is and has a cockney accent and screams a lot and probably swings a knife around a lot, but he’s got a sweet interior (somewhere in there... somewhere) Screamo heavy metal. Him and the rest of these character briefly talked about having a band and then they didn’t and then at the end of the story they do and although he plays guitar mostly, if he does do lead vocals he screams a lot. Bitch.

Anthony: Pretty boy but like the “was in the army” pretty boy vibe. Probably played football in highschool. Pyromaniac. Punches Nikki a lot. Almost gives himbo vibes sometimes, almost. Kind of likes the old timey cozy aesthetic. Plays the piano sometimes but “oh I’m not very good at it” Plays extremely well

Diamonté: TALL. Purple goth boy aesthetic hellll yeahhhh. CRAZY EYES AND THEY SPEAK VOLUMES WATCH OUT. Drums. The scary kind of quiet because he just smiles at you. Crowbar. Okay but he’s actually really sweet though. Secretly loves watching Anthony and Nikki get into fights so that’s why he rarely puts a stop to it. I think he’s a sadist. Can be a gentle giant, but can also be a not so gentle giant. The only time he’s really talkative is after copious amounts of booze.

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: Literally a pimp and he’s pretty gross. Blonde hair and pink and white clothes.

Unnamed/Undesigned 2: Chick that likes to throw knives and be angry and threatens Marianna a lot but in a quiet and monotone way, Marianna is pretty scared and hopes that these are just shallow threats uhhhhh.

Unnamed/Undesigned 3: Sells guns (without a lisence of course) and wears a bandana over his face a lot. Tired. Grumpy.

Unnamed/Undesigned 4: Like Marianna, was cold hearted and cool but then got caught in the fire and got all soft. He only has one eyes but how sweet his eyepatch is a heart. Recoved along side Marianna and they are good friends good friends tha- wait Marianna are you going back with them oh god you can’t do that oh dear oh no oh-

(I don’t have a story or name for these two but they’re my comfort ship OC’s and my current hyper fixaction right now):

Rodriquéz: I literally designed him with almost all the traits I find attractive in a guy other than freckles so as you can imagine I find him super HOT. I also designed his personality on what I find attractive from a guy so as you can imagine I find him super GREAT. But anyways he’s grumpy and closed off and monotone and smug. I really could go on for hours about how I want him to step on me I’m so sorry guys. Both him and Samantha give the “21 and having immature fun” vibes. They’re a thing but they like going to bars together and splitting off and doing their own thing (or doing someone else’s thing if you get what I mean haHhahHhahGahGhaha-) But so help them if anyone doesn’t oblige by the “no” from one of these two, someone’s gonna get beat up.

Samantha: (She literally just my personality shhhhh don’t tell anyone it’s a secret) Bubbly, energetic, a little shy by extroverted, bombshell blonde or something? It took me way too much time and effort to design her but I’m really happy with how I finally designed her, I love her outfit. She could kick me in the face and I’d say thank you. Girly drinks at the bar. Got that trauma and anxiety™️ secretly though. Skips and jumps a lot. As I’m typing this I keep looking up at the drawing of her and more and more I would want her to also step on me.

(Space Story I don’t have a nice title for):

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: So... Funny story this story originally was with me and uh... My ex I guess... So I gotta replace the MC’s... Whoops ahaha... Awkward. But anyways the MC is a robot and a girl and is a slight tsundere or smthn.

Unamed/Undesigned 2: Has a space ship, works for this organization in space that protects the galaxy. Is cocky, lazy, sly, oblivious, and an idiot. The love interest- obviously. Probably accidentally committing space crimes. (Like space pirating hAHAHA-) Kind of cool when he wants to be.

Dandelion/Dandy: CAT. WITH A JET PACK. Kind of an asshole. Fun fact used to be Polli’s cat but then when the Second MC crash landed on earth she was like “fuck this noise I’m going with space boy laterz” (okay she can’t talk but she thought it).

Zizii: Lesbian alien? Yeah???? Okay but I mean her main character trait is being a dorky back alley doctor and engineer obsessed with the MC because they’re a sentient robot with emotions and a lazer arm and rocket boots WOW!!!!!!!!

Story I want to revive:

So I had a story I started writing a long time ago about this tech theatre kid that had a crush on this other theatre kid character, but in a play that other character has to kiss another person for the show, and as the story progresses the MC convinces themselves that it isn’t just a play and that their crush actually loves and is kissing that other kid. And in the play, that other character is supposed to die. Show night comes along and they die, but like actually, and by the hands of the MC (Idk maybe like a light falls on em or smthn). So it’s a grotesque scene the audience sees as just an act. (Mutters I dunno I think my idea’s cool...) So I’ve been wanting to design these characters and work more on the story but I’m busy being obsessed with Rodriquez and Samantha so. (And the Horror Host Club too I love them too still).

Other Characters that either don’t have a specific story or are kind of like background characters:

Jacqueiliquinne Merril: Sara Berry vibes from 35mm (go look up The Ballad of Sara Berry, maybe like an animatic idk the first one that comes up is nice) But otherwise rich, pretty, popular, bitch. Tries to like, steal Louise from his squad and it’s like bro that’s unnecessary who hurt you that’s so rude. She gives Nui from Kill La Kill Vibes too. Oh she knows her name is long and annoying but you have to say the whole thing.

Brianna: Jaqueiliquinne’s sister. Big titty goth gf??? She’s pretty popular too and kind of a bitch too but to a much lesser degree. Her and he sister throw hands a lot when no one is around, you know, “THEY GIRLS ARE FIGHTINNGGGG”.

The Louise Fan Club: 4 characters I haven’t named yet. One writes fanfiction of Louise and shares it with the others and with him sometimes and although he thinks it’s a bit weird he also finds it a tad endearing and supports her. One is an aspiring photographer and is constantly asking Louise to model for him. One is an artist and draws Louise all the time. And one is an aspiring musician who writes songs based of Louise’s relationships which again he finds a little weird but endearing and supports her.

The Jacquiliquinne Merril Fan Club: Genderbent-ish (I say ish because one of the characters is a little bit less defined gender wise) versions of the Louise Fan Club. Yes I’m lazy, and no they don’t get along with them, infact they hate each others club with a passion. 

Unnamed/Undesigned: I wanna make some hacker kid just because I wanna have one.

Unnamed/Undesigned: I also really wanna have a super cutesy magical girl and then a really super duper generic boring character probably like star vs the forces of evil idk I never watched that show but it looks cute.

Me: I exist in the universe fukc you I can do what I want it’s my story and I get to chose the who also if you wanna be in the mess of a universe go ahead draw yourself with my OC’s I allow and encourage and appreciate it. I literally made the Horror Host Club as a sort of Harem story and you are absolutely allowed to make out with them if you’re a monster fucker DO it GO ahead it’s canon.

and that is ALL I have FOR now Knowing me I’ll make like 12 more characters by July, and I mean I need more characters for the high school anyways so...

[charmingpplincardigans]

January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out: 

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal. 

Food: 

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were: 

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make. 

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying. 

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month. 

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that. 

Writing: 

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate. 

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future. 

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at: 

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO. 

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all. 

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline. 

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out. 

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least. 

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL. 

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses. 

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

[ketsuyuki-hibana-typed]

Shinazugawa Sanemi x 3rd Yr High School Student!Reader

We all know that Sanemi is Math Teacher. And what about some private teaching?

You are a 3rd yr High Schoold student who decided to take vet as your career path. And you decided to go to a university

You don't have any problem with lessons, except one

You suck at math, you really suck to the point that the stupidity of yours reached on your every single strand of DNA

Your brother suggested you a private teacher.

His name is Shinazugawa Sanemi, and he's a 2nd year uni student in Math Major

First glance and you be like, "WHERE DID YOU PICK THIS PERSON, BROTHER? LOOK AT THAT FIERCE FACE, AND HIS COLD STARE. IS HE FROM MAFIA? I'M DYING."

But you erased all of your thoughts and speculated that he's probably kind person. It's just his face

And you absolutely wrong

He is that "killer teacher" His voice is so fckin loud and deep

Sanemi didn't hesitate to call you idiot, brainless, dumb, retarded or any words that could express any stupidity of yours when you get the wrong answer

And long live sarcasm

"The answer is ni-" "What about deep-fried your brain and feed it to chickens because you never use it for once?"

And ouch, it really hurts, to the point you wanted to cry. But you hold it back and study with all of your might.

Your brother? He just chuckled and said, "Made her in agony, Shinazugawa."

But, as the time passed you actually, no, magically understand what he taught because he used fastest and accurate way to solve the question

You even got 85 on your math exam. You're crying because you never got above 25 and always take summer class to fix that.

When you inform this to Sanemi, he said, "Fool, raised it to 100."

Ah, of course he answered like that.

When the final exam approaching, he increased your study time, but he never let it passed 12 a.m.

"If your body exhausted, so does your mind."

You actually surpassed all of your final exam and don't have any problem with other lessons, especially your math.

You graduated from your high school and celebrated it. You even took picture with Sanemi in front of your school gate on your graduation day.

"Remember that you still have uni exam ahead."

Ah, of fucking course, HOW ABOUT SOME PRAISES AT THEIR GRADUATION FOR THIS POOR GIRL, SHINAZUGAWA-SENSEI

You didn't have play time anymore. Sanemi will call you if he didn't find you at home.

"Get your ass back here, brat. You're not going anywhere unless you do all of the questions I gave you yesterday."

After you graduated, your study time will start at 9 a.m, rest at 1 p.m, continue at 2 p.m until 12 a.m

Yes, he stayed at your house, for some time.

Your friend found your teacher rlly hot and you be like "Really? Right in front of my salad?"

But he's actually hot???? Especially when he put his glasses on??? Shit

"What?" "No-nothing!"

You finally get used to his attitude

You called him "Sanemi-sensei" instead of "Shinazugawa-sensei" because he asked to

"Don't make me feel like old man." "But you'll become school teacher and your student will call you Shinazugawa-sensei, the killer teacher." "SHUT UP"

You are a human too, sometimes you felt depressed and hopeless. So you just lied down on the floor and crying until your eyes swollen. Sanemi noticed about this.

"If you have time to cry, what about -" "I'm sorry, I don't feel like doing it right now." "Listen until I finish, idiot."

So he took you out on night stroll, treat you oden to make your body warm while he drinking

"Wow did you hit your head, sensei?" "After you finished eating, I'll make you sure to squeezed your brain out of you."

The uni exam day finally came. You're at outside of your exam room when you felt your phone vibrating. It's Sanemi

"Don't forget what I taught you, relax." "Yeah, wish me luck."

You feel at ease when you heard his voice. You didn't find any problem when you do your exam

Finally, it's the day of the announcement. You felt nervous as you traced all of numbers at the board in front of the uni while looking for your own number

AND YOUR NUMBER IS IN THAT BOARD. YOU GOT ACCEPTED.

The first person you wanted to inform is Sanemi and you called him.

"SENSEI I DID IT!!"

But actually, HE'S ALWAYS BEHIND YOU ALL OF THE TIME. Ofc, bc he studied in the same university you chose. He tapped your shoulder 2 times and you turned around

You looked surprised. You couldn't content your happiness and hug Sanemi while crying, "Thank you for everything, thank you for not giving up on me.

He felt awkward at first but actually responded by hugged you back and patted your head

"You did well."

[doc-pickles]

it’s nothing funny just to talk (p. 1)

What happens when you text that random number graffitied on a bathroom stall in your favorite bar? Jo Wilson is about to find out. - In which Bar Princess and Doctor Evil Spawn meet via text.

More Jolex on your timeline because y’all seemed to love what I posted before! Also I’ve posted this whole piece on AO3 as well so it might look familiar.  

this idea came to me in a fever dream and i am not sorry that y'all have to deal with it. 99% of this fic will be in "texting" format, so be prepared for that. 

Jo is regular Alex is italics

Saturday 11:04 PM

heeeeey is thiss doctor evil?

I gotta say ur phone sex namee needs sum weerk

u soud like a comic book village 

fuck

village

VILLAIN

Who the hell is this? And how did you get my number? 

i’m just a girl at thee bar!!!! 

Joe’s Bar?

noooooo

i’m at enerlad city bar

You didn’t answer my question. 

u asked a quesitoon?

whata was it?

i’m goos at takifjg tests 

How’d you get my number?

it qas in the bathrooom!!!

it said “for a good tiem txt dr evil spawne” 

so I did

I am ready to havee fun

You’re drunk, obviously, and I’m going to have to kill Cristina for putting my number up. 

ooooooh is thatt ur girleifnd?

hirlefiend 

girlfriend**

Wow you’re really gone. And hell no, she’s my roommate. One of them. 

ooooh how many do u hav

roomees not girlfriends 

Three. Two girls and a dude. 

intereeesting...

well it’s tome for fireball shoots

steph is yeeling at me 4 txting too much

goodbey doctor eviel apawn!!

Oh lord. Tell Steph you need water. Or an IV. 

I’ve got her. she’s throwing up on her shoes. thanks doctor. - steph

  Sunday 10:11 AM

You know you’re pretty funny, Bar Girl. 

jesus christ what fucking time is it?! 

10 AM

I’m assuming you have a massive hangover. 

hold on I can’t hear you over the sound of me vomiting

TMI as the kids say these days. 

what’re you a grandpa or something?? 

No I just don’t know how to use text lingo. Except WTF. I know that one very well. 

quick question

who the fuck are you?

Dr. Evil Spawn. You found my name graffitied in the bathroom of Emerald City Bar. 

holy shit

I thought I dreamed that... WHAT THE FUCK

Nope. I’m real. 

holy shit i’m so sorry

my texts were so annoying

Who hurt you? I mean you were shitfaced, I’m assuming someone broke your heart into tiny pieces. 

the opposite actually, I was at a bachelorette party

not mine, i’m so single it hurts

Ahhh that makes sense. So you got shitfaced in solidarity? 

exactly you get it

you seem like you’d be the DD at a bachelorette party

Well seeing as I’m a dude I don’t do Bachelorette parties. 

Well I did go to one, but that’s a different story.  

hmmm you seem like a very interesting man doctor evil spawn 

going to bachelorette parties, living with women who aren’t your girlfriend 

OMG ARE YOU DATING THE GUY YOU LIVE WITH?!

George? No absolutely not. And before you ask, my other girl roommate is gay. 

so you’re single?

i’m only asking so when you murder me the police have as much information as possible

Haha very funny. I would be a terrible murderer. 

you didn’t answer my question

Fine. Yes I’m single. 

i’ll note that in the “serial killer file” i’m building 

gotta go, I have to do work :/

Have fun, don’t die. 

  Sunday 8:38 PM

Arizona is trying to set me up on a blind date. 

who’s arizona?

My gay roommate. She wants me to meet this “bubbly blonde” she knows from her pilates class. 

ahhhh. why don’t you go?

Bubbly blonde is not my type. Sounds like she’ll spend the whole date talking about how much she loves dogs or her knitting hobby. 

Plus she does pilates, that tells me more than enough. 

you’re making some good points. I don’t pity you. 

You better not. How was work?

the longest day of my life

it was just paperwork, I don’t actually work on the weekends

What do you do?

hmmmm that’s exactly what a serial killer would say

i’m an elementary school teacher

Oh so you sing and dance and paint pictures all day?

what school did you go to?

were working on multiplication tables and basic photosynthesis tomorrow

Wow that sounds like a lot.

it’s may, ive got three weeks of school left so I have to cram all the crap we didn’t cover into these last few weeks 

Ahhh that sounds more accurate.

and what do you do? 

besides text strangers that you don’t know

I’m a pediatrician. 

oh so you make kids cry and wipe snotty noses all day? two can play at that game

Well we both have to deal with snotty noses sooo...

I GET IT!! Doctor Evil Spawn!! 

why evil spawn though? 

I wasn’t this nice when I started med school. My personality is an acquired taste. 

ha! that’s a funny joke. 

so if you’re a fancy schmancy doctor why do you live with three other people?

I’m only a resident, not making the big bucks yet. Everyone else is a doctor too. 

are they all pediatricians?

No. Arizona is too but Cristina is a cardiologist and George is a trauma specialist. 

interesting!! I too live with my coworkers. it’s not fun. 

the table is always covered in craft supplies. 

Well I can never read the grocery list on the fridge. Stupid doctors script...

oh that’s a classic. you’re pretty funny Dr. Evil Spawn

Thanks Bar Girl. 

I gotta go. monday tomorrow and you know how fourth graders can be. night!! 

Night . 

  Monday 9:47 AM

there’s not enough coffee in the world for monday mornings. 

  Monday 10:52 AM 

Sorry I was yelling at the interns. We have a decent coffee cart here. Keeps me alive. Are you texting in class?

no it was recess

now they’re at spanish class

i’m not totally irresponsible 

Oh good to know the future of America is in good hands. Teacher Princess is “not totally irresponsible”

teacher princess?

Well, Cinderella lost her shoe, you puked on yours. Same thing. 

wooooooooow

that was so uncalled for...

I thought it was funny. Gotta go set a broken arm. 

broken arm vs. adverbs... can we switch? have fun lol

  Monday 3:26 PM

I don’t even think I know what an adverb is. 

how did you become a doctor??

Don’t need to know adverbs to fix a couple broken bones and snuffy noses. 

oh darn I should’ve gone to school for seven more years then

Haha. How were the adverbs?

better than expected, grading papers while I wait for my roomies to be done

we carpool, saving the environment and shit

Okay Eco Warrior.

you text like a 60 year old man

you’re not a 60 year old man are you?

No I’m a 28 year old man though

28 a doctor and you’re single? your personality must be worse than you described 

I’m a busy man, I don’t have time to settle down. And I have no desire to. 

yet you have time to text a complete stranger? 

hmmmm interesting...

Ouch, that one hurt Princess. 

steph is making me socialize with the other teachers

if I don’t respond, they killed me or dragged me to an essential oil party

Hahahaha

  Monday 5:18 PM

Did you get roped into a pyramid scheme?

nooo but therew as wine

I should sotp drunk texting you so often 

It makes your presence that much more entertaining. And bearable. 

woah woah dude

i’m a gem 

I can tell. Elementary school teacher with a heart of gold. 

awwww your too sweet tome

It’s a Monday. Who the hell gets drunk on a Monday?

teachers

we deserve it

You’re a teacher and you’re single and still going to Bachelorette parties. You’re what, 23? 

i’m 25 and i’m doing greta thanks you very nuch 

cnat believe that i’m supplying my perosnal info to a serial killer

What makes you so sure that I’m a mass murderer? 

ur weird nickname and ur intimate knowledge of the himan body

Mmm yes well a good amount of women do find themselves screaming around me often. Or under me. On top of me...

omg are you sending me dirty jokes

you’re crazy 

What can I say. 

Gotta go, I’m on call tonight. Get to bed safe, Bar Princess. 

mmmkay thanks Doc

  Wednesday 11:29 AM

What do you think is worse: School lunch or hospital food?

hospital food, no doubt

thursday is mac and cheese day here... I could bathe in that stuff

We have Spaghetti Wednesday but that’s the only good thing here. 

mmm how depressing

the teachers do a pot luck once a month and that’s always good

the art teacher next door to me makes the BEST blueberry muffins. 

Lucky. All I get here is vending machine cookies. Anything interesting happening in the elementary world? 

a first grader got lice last week so naturally we all have it now

I had to chop off six inches of my hair

Holy crap. Lice can be vicious, be thankful you didn’t have to shave your head. 

it feels like I did, my hair hasn’t been above my shoulders since the backstreet boys were still touring

Wow. I’m glad to know you’re well cultured. 

of course I am

gotta go, kids are back from music class

Don’t be too hard on them, they deserve a break every once in awhile. 

  Thursday 3:06 PM

Incoming Voice Call

“Jenna you forgot your lunch pail. Have a good day!”

“Hello?”

“Hi Mrs. Peters. I didn’t grade Henry’s test yet, I’ll have it tomorrow. Thanks bye!”

“Helloooo?”

“Steph I gotta grab my things, I’ll be there in a seco- oh shit. Hello?”

“Bar Princess?”

“Doctor Evil Spawn? I must’ve butt dialed you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay I... I don’t mind the interruption. Are you leaving work?”

“Just about, we’re wrapping up the solar system and I have to bring home the diorama.”

“I was never good at the models, I prefer working with the real thing.”

“Oh ho, a man that works with his hands. I can appreciate that.”

“You know now we’re officially talking and we still don’t know each other’s names.”

“Well around here I’m Miss Wilson, but you can call me Jo.”

“Jo. Hmm I like chicks with dudes names. I’m Dr. Karev but you can call me Alex.”

“Well nice to kinda meet you Alex. I’ll talk to you soon, I gotta get out of here.”

“Talk to you later.”  

  Thursday 4:34 PM

I wouldn’t mind if you were my teacher.

how did I know you’d send me something along those lines

I’m predictable. I’m still calling you Bar Princess. 

as you wish doctor evil spawn

I get to assist on a surgery today. Tonsillectomy. 

like removing tonsils? that’s awesome

for you, not for the kid

Oh she’ll be fine, she gets ice cream and jello for a week.  

okay yeah I might be jealous of her now

id love to be off work for a week and have you waiting on me hand and foot

the ice cream is a nice bonus

You think that’s my job?

well you said you aren’t making the big bucks yet so.... yeah 

Keep dreaming. I’ll talk to you later, gotta scrub in. 

have fun!!!!

[lickrustdavid]

Take Me Out  1.7k  AO3 Shoutout to @maxbegone for helping me with some of the baseball stuff, and listening to me ramble as well! Ronnie’s halfway to first base and almost falls as she stops herself to look at him, the whole field and bleachers suddenly deathly quiet. Shit. Of course it’s Brewer who gets hurt. Of course it's her fault. She might not be his biggest fan, but she would never intentionally hurt him.

+ + +

Games are always something Patrick looks forward to, getting to play one of his favorite sports, the camaraderie and the competitiveness. And he enjoys when David comes and watches him- it always makes him try harder, even if it is just a silly small town game. Bob's Garage is down by three points, and Roland is up to bat. Patrick’s walking around in the outfield, psyching himself up, determined to make sure Ronnie won’t get a home run. Their relationship is still pretty much the same, even though he and David are married. He thinks maybe she doesn’t shoot as many glares his way like she used to, but he could also just not be paying attention. 

Widening his stance a little, Patrick looks at David who’s on the bleachers and winks at him as he munches on chips. He’s looking particularly cute today in an actual t-shirt instead of a sweater. It’s mid-June and sweltering, and every time they change positions and go to the dug out to grab bats, David’s making sure he still has sunscreen on his neck because ‘you’re skin is porcelain Patrick! I don’t want my husband getting skin cancer!!’. One thing Patrick loves about these games, is that when they’re on the field, they rotate who’s pitching each inning. It’s something he’s done before- little league, a couple of seasons in high school and a few games in college when he needed to step in, and he loves it. 

The fourth inning is starting and Patrick walks up to the pitching mound, pulling his glove on. He gets Stevie first, striking her out all three times. She gives him the finger and he blows her a kiss, making David roll his eyes in the stands. Jeremy, a guy who helps cook in the cafe, comes up next, and he makes it to second, but Patrick’s not worried. It’s Ronnie who walks up after, and she looks at him as if to say ‘give me all you got white boy’. Licking his lips in concentration, the first ball is a miss. The second ball she hits, but it’s a foul, going out of bounds. Patrick’s feeling confident now, giving her a smirk as he readies himself, then throws the third ball straight to her, turning as he finishes through. 

Ronnie hits it, the ball clanking against the metal bat, and it goes straight back to Patrick, striking him on the side of his head. He falls instantly, his face pressing against his left arm on the ground, right hand against the side of his head, knees on the ground, curling into himself. Pain shoots through his skull, pain he hasn’t felt since he’d played hockey, and he lets out a loud, pained groan. His green baseball hat is knocked to the side, glove under him. 

+ + +

When the ball connects with Patrick’s head, David’s whole body goes cold, his world tilts. He’s heard people talk about it before- the insane adrenaline rush you can get from watching something traumatic happen. His body feels frozen, and he doesn’t realize he’s moving until he’s halfway to the field. That’s his husband, crumpled on the ground. He doesn’t know what’s happened exactly. He could have been hit in the face, or head, or….or…. David’s chest feels tight as he runs- if Patrick could see him now he’d be impressed- onto the dusty field, where Stevie, Roland and Ronnie are all around him. David tries to drop next to Patrick, to make sure he’s still breathing, but Stevie grabs him, shaking her head, as Ronnie gets next to him. She’s got tears in her eyes, David sees, and then realizes tears are falling from his own eyes too. 

“Patrick,” his voice is a whisper, his whole body is shaking, and he’s sure he’s having a panic attack. He feels Stevie wrap an arm around him. 

Ronnie’s halfway to first base and almost falls as she stops herself to look at him, the whole field and bleachers suddenly deathly quiet. Shit. Shit shit shit. Of course it’s Brewer who gets hurt. Of fucking course. She runs as fast as humanly possible, dropping to her knees by him. No blood, so that’s a plus, she thinks, as she puts one hand on his back, the other hand placed on his sweaty head. She finds herself solely focused on him, feeling motherly instincts kick into drive. 

“Can you talk?” Patrick takes a deep breath at Ronnie’s voice, feeling entirely too nauseous. He takes another breath and swallows. 

“Y-Yeah…”

“Where’d you get hit?” 

“I got hit? Uhmm.” Patrick feels dizzy even though his eyes are shut. He can hear a slight intake of breath from Ronnie, feels her hand tense on his back. “Head...head hurts..” 

“You think you can sit up, or at least turn your head for me?”  He wonders if he can. His head feels tight and heavy and his everything is hazy. Vaguely he can hear someone- David, maybe in the background, panicking, can hear him crying, the sound muffled. Definitely David. 

Slowly, he pushes himself up, wincing almost instantly at the bright sunlight. “My head hurts,” his voice wobbles a little. David drops down to him, grabbing his free hand. 

“Oh my god Patrick,” he chokes out, and Ronnie looks at him. 

“A little quieter David.” 

“Honey….what...oh my god,” David’s voice is shaky and Patrick turns his head to look at him. 

“My head hurts,” he says again. Patrick feels dizzy and the nausea he’s kept at bay is steadily becoming more insistent and he really doesn’t want to throw up all over David, so he only has one other choice. His head turns the opposite way and he gags, lunch ending up half on Ronnie’s cleats and half on the mound. 

“Fuck!” 

“Oh my god!” 

“It’s alright Brewer,” Ronnie says over Stevie and David, rubbing the shoulder next to her. “We need to get him to an ER, he’s definitely got a concussion,” she says to the others. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to go see if I have a bucket in my truck. David we’ll need to take your car, mine won’t hold you and him comfortably.” 

As they wait, Patrick squints up at David, and wow. He’s so. Pretty. His hair and his arms and his face. His stubble. Patrick just wants to kiss him forever. David looks at him with an amused smile. Maybe he can read his mind. 

“I can’t read your mind honey, you’re talking outloud.” 

Oh. Another sharp pain rolls in his head and he shuts his eyes back, gagging. 

“You’re coming too,” he hears David direct to who he assumes is Stevie. 

“Okay honey, we need to get you to the car,” David murmurs, rubbing his back as Ronnie runs back with a bright orange contractors bucket. Stevie dutifully takes the bucket and holds it close to him, just in case, as Ronnie and David help him up. The sudden change is enough for Stevie to be thrusting the bucket his way. He’s going to have to really thank her later. No one should have to deal with Patrick Brewer puking into a bucket.

As Patrick’s eyes flit around for a brief moment, moving through the shade, he sees most everyone’s gone now. Roland is off to the side on the phone, and Twyla, who’d been in the crowd, is still watching nervously. “Tell her I’m okay,” he mumbles, feeling bad that she’s so worried for him. He hears Stevie snort a little and Ronnie relay the message to the tall brunette. David says something about him being the farthest thing from okay.

Once inside the car he and David share, Patrick closes his eyes again. He’s in the back seat with David, and he really should care about the fact he gets carsick, but now isn’t the time- he’s already nauseous anyway. The car jostles a little as all the doors shut, the sound making him wince. 

“Who’s driving?” Patrick asks, but he already knows, at least he thinks he does.

“You’re lucky you’re already hurt or I’d smack you,” she huffs, pulling out and starting the drive. The closest ER is in Elmdale, so it’s a tense forty minute drive. Between Ronnie’s medical questions, David freaking out, Stevie trying (and failing) to lighten the mood, and him puking again, he’s grateful when the door opens and he’s being manhandled into a wheelchair. 

++++

“Stop trying to look at your phone, they said no phone for two weeks!” David snatches his phone out from his hand, setting it back on the side table. Patrick grumbles, looking up at his husband with sad eyes. 

“I’m so bored David. So. Bored. I have nothing to do. Playing guitar hurts my head, I can’t watch tv or read.” He knows he’s being uncharacteristically whiney, but he’s so damn bored. 

“I thought you said you felt fine,” David smirks, but then presses a kiss to Patrick’s lips. “I’m sorry sweetheart. You only have eight days left, I’m sure they’ll fly by,” he adds, though they both know that’s a bold faced lie. “I could get you like….an audiobook thing? Like Audible or whatever? I think a couple different influencers have codes for free months, and I think the Jenners do too,” David grabs his own phone to check. 

Thinking it over, Patrick finally nods, looking thoroughly depressed that he can’t do anything. David’s banned him from working, though he’s pretty sure the lights would make him want to leave anyway. His head feels alright when he’s got Tylenol or Motrin in his system, so at least that’s something. After a few minutes, he hears David make a noise of excitement which Patrick assumes he found a code, and then David’s got his phone, typing in ‘7673’ on his lockscreen before going to the app store. 

“What book do you want? Practically everything ever is on here,” David says as it downloads. 

“Mm, maybe like….something baseball related? I don’t know...m’tired,” Patrick shuffles back under the covers, eyes feeling heavy. David snorts, kissing his forehead. 

“Okay honey, we can look later. I’ll be home at noon to bring you food.”