#yes I’m a bitch but idc

[placeinthisworld]

hd candids of you know who, where. I’m exhausted

[faiwiee]

tfw i see girls complain about unattainable body standards but i have THE body all girls want

[dinozarr]

NOT DISCOURSE!!! just rants !!!

also, yes i sound like a bitch 90% of the time, and i know i am but not to everyone. trust🙏🙏‼️ i’m just a very aggressive person when i want to get my point across. (lowk it’s the new yorker/puerto rican in me) but also how i was raised. and i just can’t stand being nice/letting others trample over me, esp not as the eldest child in a male dominating family (no i don’t have any sisters only brothers)

like if you are a nice person/deserve to be nice to, then yeah i 100% will. but not when u aren’t. cus tf i look like

(y’all i promise this ain’t discourse i’m just ranting LOLSSSS)

[munamania]

actually from now on if anyone gives me even a slightly off vibe i’m just going to take it at face value. no more nuance. you’ll get nuance and consideration from me when you deserve it

[kdramacrybaby]

I haven’t really ranted about Alchemy of Souls yet, and though I don’t have that much to say, I do have some thoughts I might as well air out ⬇️

[alexackrman]

i seriously can’t wait to have my pumpkin spiced coffees any longer !!!!! ajskkaajsj

[vegetable-soup-wizard]

I haven’t experienced a hyperfixation like this in years omg ever song is about this guy

[theworld-accordingtocasey]

I will not ever ever EVER ever ever EVER EVER EVER EVER MF E V E R pay anyone online for anything again!! No crowdfunding, no charity donations, no shelters, no petition donations, no gofundme, no kofi, no patreon, no art commissions, no fanfic commissions, no tips, no fundraisers,?nothing!! Never again! It never works out!!

[yeyayeya]

Idk shit about Genshin Impact except for characters but

I would do anything for her

[ziracona]

Dude, Skyrim (the Anniversary vers) is now on sale on Switch for like ..$70+

Nothing is changed. It's the same damn game. It's been out since early 2000s. It's still glitchy as hell. Now that it's on Switch, it's un moddable, which makes it even MORE trashy and glitchy. ???? I'm so confused???

Ye ye everyone jokes about it all the time; we all know it re-releases and they don’t make a new game ask tiktok and vine Bc it’s old enough for that joke too but ‘and’?…? So what? Why would I care about that tho idgas I don’t play Skyrim why are you asking me???? Like…? And?

[flamingtouya]

𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐩 (𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞) —

pairing: dabi + f!reader

word count: 4381

cw: getting to know each other (against your better intuition), flirting, bad flirting,some explicit language but nothing too bad, no quirk AU, dabi commits a crime or two

summary: In which Dabi meant to text Toga instead of a random stranger. But these things happen, and you were never one to shy away from troublesome men. This whole thing is told entirely through text messages.

a/n: check out my AO3 for different formatting! :)

Mar 02  10:07 PM

Unknown: Grab bleach while you’re out Unknown: And paper towels

You: who is this??

Unknown: So funny

You: u got the wrong number my guy 

Unknown: Shit Unknown: You don’t happen to have some bleach at your disposal rn? 

You: try the convenience store You: where’s the body at, anyways

Unknown: Ohara street by the fitness park, you should come check it out

You: sounds enticing You: i’ve always wanted to be on a true crime podcast

You: sort of expected myself to be the alive one though

Unknown: I was taught that women tend to be smart about stranger danger and stuff Unknown: You're out to prove me wrong

You: how’d you know i’m a woman? 🤨

Unknown: U sound cute Unknown: And men don’t listen to true crime

You: that’s so sexist You: and correct You: you'd do numbers on reddit

Mar 03 00:16 AM

You: hey don’t leave now

Mar 03 00:34 AM

Unknown: Had a body to take care of

You: you didn’t wait for me? :(

Unknown: … Unknown: Are u fr

You: ofc not You: i don’t hang out with edgelords

Unknown: Whatever u r probably boring anyways

You: entertaining enough for u to keep texting me

Unknown: We all have our moments of weakness 

Mar 03 01:09 AM

Unknown: So wyd

You: you don’t have anybody else to bother?

Unknown: I do Unknown: I want to bother you tho

You: damn, what’d i do to deserve this

Unknown: Is that a complaint

You: i have uni tomorrow and ur buzzing keeps waking me up

Unknown: Mute your phone, stupid 

You: can’t mute unknown numbers

Unknown: Save this one then Unknown: Or block me idc

You: what name should i put it under

Unknown: Dabi 

You: lmao i knew you were an edgelord

Dabi: Stfu

You: good night to you too

Mar 03  07:58 AM

You: fuck

Mar 03 3:56 PM

Dabi: Did you miss me that bad 

Mar 03 4:32 PM

You: i overslept and am blaming you entirely

Mar 03 5:19 PM 

Dabi: Sucks to be a useful member to society

You: why what do you do

Dabi: I'm actually a bit of a part-time freelancer, you regular uni folk just wouldn't get it

You: freelancing around ohara at 1 in the morning sounds like the truly fulfilling purpose we all long for You: did you just get up

Dabi: Hey now  Dabi: Yes  Dabi: I’m still in bed technically, looking at the ceiling fan is so interesting when I don't want to move a muscle

You: you are everything I am jealous of

Dabi: I promise you it’s not that good 

You: first time a guy’s been honest right away. i applaud u

Dabi: Omg no way 

Mar 03 5:40 PM

You: no way what

Dabi: No way you said something witty 

Dabi: Maybe you’re fun after all

You: i’ll have u know that deep down, i’m just a fragile being trying to make it thru this bitch of a world, running on fumes and caffeine all while chasing a childhood dream that i'll never be able to reach anyways because of my parents' expectations of me crushing my soul

Dabi: Damn, being vulnerable already 

You: your turn

Dabi: I’m not sad. My life is great and my parents never expected anything of me

Dabi: That was a lie 

You: so you’re a liar

Dabi: I suppose I might be

You: that counts as being vulnerable. i’m so proud of us. <3

Mar 03 9:12 PM

You: you probably have daddy issues

Mar 03 11:34 PM 

Dabi: Mind your business 

You: so i’m right

Dabi: Nosy sounds more like it

You: that’s a yes then

Dabi: When I tell you he SUCKS so bad 

You: LMAO You: i’m guessing you don’t particularly like your family then

Dabi: It's not the type of stuff I'd tell anybody, especially not to some nosy individual whose number is one or two digits off

You: alright i’ll stop digging You: wait how old are you You: am i talking to some 50 y/o dude You: please no

Mar 04 00:02 AM

Dabi: Chill I’m 48

Mar 04 00:06 AM 

You: say sike right now You: if u rly are then i’m half your age

Dabi: You thought Dabi: Are you actually 24 tho

You: give or take a few days lol

Dabi: When’s your birthday 

You: do you want my social and tax numbers while we’re at it

Dabi: Stfu I wanna see if I’m older 

You: 🤨 You: it’s at the end of this month

Dabi: Baby 

You: are u flirting with me or insulting me

Dabi: Can’t I be doing both 

Mar 04 06:30 AM

You: love me a guy who can multitask You: did you ever get your bleach and paper towels

Mar 04 11:11 AM

You: it’s 11:11 make a wish

Mar 04 2:02 PM

You: my wish is that you’d commit to a humane sleeping schedule

Mar 04 2:59 PM 

Dabi: Anybody hear sum 

You: i heard you’re a lazy bitch You: who doesn’t even do his own grocery shopping

Dabi: Maybe I do. Maybe I got the bleach all on my own like a big boy

You: X

Dabi: What's that mean

You: X for doubt You: it’s a meme

Dabi: Here I thought we were about to get spicy 😔

You: ew

Dabi: I was joking  Dabi: …unless 

You: has anybody ever told you that your flirting is immaculate

Mar 04 7:10 PM

Dabi: What do you study 

You: are you trying to find out my location

Dabi: Let it be known I’m terrible at geography and if I wanted to stalk you I'd already be on it

You: that’s a consolation You: forensic science You: i actually can’t wait for the semester to be over bc my professor is one of the most annoying individuals i have ever had the displeasure of meeting

Dabi: So you do have bleach 

You: never said i didn’t

Dabi: What do I have to do to make the list of annoying individuals. What's my current score

You: we haven’t met You: and i’m not sure if i’d survive u

Dabi: You have a point, I'm super nice tho

You: bet You: are you handsome You: asking for a friend You: the handsome ones are usually more annoying

Dabi: I'll say I’m frighteningly unique-looking 

You: ...well played

Mar 04 10:09 PM 

Dabi: My boss is making me do errand work in the morning like I'm some kind of functioning human being with principles Dabi: The next piercing I’m getting is a lobotomy 

You: thought you were “freelancing”

Dabi: Freelancing only gets you so far. You'll understand when you're my age

You: can't imagine what the back pain must be like You: do you have a tongue piercing 👀

Dabi: Perhaps I do

You: u r so mysterious You: tell me an opinion 

Dabi: Mint ice cream makes my teeth feel weird 

You: that’s not an opinion 

Dabi: Alright, more foods should have mint in them. And coriander. I want to make things inedible for 80% of the human population

You: nvm keep your opinions to yourself 

Mar 05 02:26 AM

Dabi: I've gotta burn this number. Txt u in a few 

Mar 05 05:16 AM

You: what are you, some kind of druglord This message could not be delivered.

You: I knew it This message could not be delivered.

Mar 0512:03 PM

You: ayo are you still there This message could not be delivered.

You: this is only funny if you come clean right now This message could not be delivered.

Mar 05 4:16 PM

You: "text you in a few" minutes? hours? days? This message could not be delivered.

You: just know that if it takes to long i'll forget about u This message could not be delivered.

You: won't even miss u This message could not be delivered.

Mar 06 09:00 AM

You: hello is this thing on This message could not be delivered.

Mar 07 3:15 PM

You: my social security number is 6007 0023 6799 0324 This message could not be delivered.

Mar 07 8:46 PM

You: eggs, vinegar, panko, sprite, sliced ham, parmesan, deodorant sencha if they have the good one ground pepper, lemon juice This message could not be delivered.

Mar 08 04:44 AM

Unknown: Am I still the man of ur dreams

You: I'm killing you You: violently

Unknown: I was hoping softly Unknown: With your song

You: are these messages being monitored You: am i a suspect

Unknown: If they were, could I write that I'm a ruthless baby killer anti-government fuck the police pro abortion the prime minister is an idiot bomb. bomb at the airport, terrorism, detonate Unknown: I guess now they are

Dabi was added as a contact.

You: just when i thought i'd have to find another witty asshole with a tongue piercing

Dabi: Aw you missed me Dabi: Does my tongue piercing make me hot be honest

You: what are my chances of getting an explanation for the past few days You: are u a murderer fr, that would be so cool You: i totally didn't use our abandoned chat as a grocery list btw

Dabi: The only thing I slay is pussy 😎

You: somehow i have doubts about that statement You: animal abuse is no joke

Dabi: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100, if you guess it correctly I'll tell u everything

You: 69

Mar 08 08:21 AM

Dabi: It was 72 Dabi: Because you were so close I'll give u one free question. But I want another one in return

You: you're a dirty little gremlin who plays dirty little games You:: do i get to ask a follow-up question

Dabi: No

You: in that case You: which of the following activities did you partake in? 1.) vandalism 2.) drug dealing 3.) drug trafficking 4.) violent crimes 5.) violent crimes that resulted in the death of one or more individuals 6.) assisting someone in a violent crime 7.) assisting someone in a non-violent crime 8.) theft 9.) robbery 10.) hate crimes against a minority 11.) politically motivated acts of defiance 12.) consumption of illegal substances 13.) running and/or hiding from law enforcement 14.) domestic terrorism 15.) human trafficking 16.) money laundering 17.) having a good time

Dabi: What the fuck Dabi: What is this, a multiple choice? Dabi: 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 13 Dabi: My turn Dabi: What's your favourite food

You: fr, just like that You: that's your one question out of everything you could ask? am i really that boring

Dabi: I ask what I ask

You: spicy miso ramen with minced pork You: can we go back to the part where you ran from law enforcement

Dabi: Don't we all have demons that we run from Dabi: Mine are just a bit more persistent

Mar 08 10:52 AM

You: i want another question

Dabi: If you come up with one that's not related to the past few days, go ahead

You: fine i'll take it You: have you ever been caught and gotten in legal trouble for one of your… dubious activities

Dabi: Yeah

You: …and?

Dabi: That's another question. Gonna trade?

You: fine

Dabi: When I was 16, two Officers Of The Law 🐷 caught me dumpster diving behind a 7/11 Dabi: The dumpster diving wasn't the crime but because it was on private property they charged me with trespassing

You: damn, that's a lot of truth from u in just two sentences You: i wanna know ur tragic backstory so bad

Dabi: You could try to get me all sentimental for the 6 minutes after really good sex before the post nut clarity sets in

You: uh huh, taking notes You: anyway. you get one question. think hard

Dabi: If you couldn't have minced pork on your ramen, what would your second topping choice be

You: you're impossible

Mar 08 1:27 PM

You: tori karaage or extra ni-tamago i guess

Mar 08 2:23 PM

Dabi: Doesn't the Karaage lose its crispiness if it's in the broth for too long Dabi: I wouldn't know

You: please let me recommend you a good ramen place, you seem like you'd need it

Dabi: You have no idea. Take me out

You: like romantically? or are you asking me to murder you

Dabi: I love surprises

You: i just laughed out loud in the middle of my lecture

Mar 08 7:18 PM

Dabi: Need your forensic expertise for a sec

You: …oh no

Dabi: It's a purely hypothetical scenario

You: alright lay it on me big boy

Dabi: If a 176 cm tall and 67 kg heavy person were to climb over a 4,60 meter high fence that has electrical wiring on it Dabi: What would the most likely way for them to die be?

You: this is not forensic at all You: how strong is the electricity You: is there a way to shut it off You: where would you hold onto the fence You: can it be damaged

Dabi: Not me, a 176 cm tall and 67 kg heavy person

You: where would THE 176 CM TALL AND 67 KG HEAVY PERSON HOLD ONTO THE FENCE

Dabi: The only points that provide decent grip surface are the hooks holding the wires in place

You: so the most likely way to die would be electrocution You: will that be all

Dabi: How would one determine whether the electricity has been properly shut off Dabi: In the theoretical scenario that you couldn't get close enough to hear

You: the 176 cm tall and 67 kg heavy person should tap the wiring from the bottom with the back of their hand You: that way their fingers curl downwards and not around the wire You: so the person won't DIE from ELECTROCUTION

Mar 09 00:08 AM

Dabi: Excellent Dabi: Gonna do some field research Dabi: Will report back in maybe a day

Mar 09 08:01 AM

You: i'm gonna be so mad if you die before you've had decent karaage This message could not be delivered.

Mar 11 6:10 PM

Unknown: So it turns out that the person did not have to climb the fence after all. Pliers are such useful tools Unknown: Thanks for the electricity tip tho

Mar 11 6:39 PM

Dabi was added as a contact.

You: you're so hot when you're alive 

Mar 11 9:14 PM

Dabi: Do u think I'm a catch 😏

You: judging by the way law enforcement is trying to get their hands on you, i'd say you're pretty slippery

Dabi: The slipperiest Dabi: You couldn't handle me

You: i'd trap you using cheese and a paper box  You: put you in a jar and turn you into spicy miso broth 

Dabi: Would you hold the jar tight at night and tell me everything's going to be okay 

You: of course 

Dabi: I'm liking this scenario 

Mar 12 01:07 AM 

Dabi: Ever thought about what Mint Karaage would taste like

Mar 12 01:23 AM

You: i need u 

Dabi: Tell me more

You: to shut your mouth

Dabi: Are you trying to romance me

Mar 12 07:15 AM

You: i'm actually so upset right now  You: can i vent

Mar 12 07:27 AM

Dabi: Listening Dabi: Am I gonna have to get the tissues out

You: you're not empathetic enough for that 

Dabi: How would you know 

You: call it a woman's intuition  You: i just need someone to bother about my hot girl troubles

Dabi: Let's hear it girl  Dabi: Men ain't shit 💅

You: damn right they aren't You: but unrelated to that You: i ran out of my medication a few days ago and thought if i stretched the remaining 3 pills to last me 6 days i'd be able to make it till the end of the week  You: now my doctor's office is closed and i can't seem to get an appointment anywhere You: and i'm super jittery and on edge and almost had a panic attack just trying to make coffee

Dabi: What type of medication 

You: Ativan You: it's prescription only

Dabi: Nothing is ever "prescription only" 

You: i'm not gonna try some experimential backalley drug You: just feel like dying rn

Dabi: Who said anything about backalley? You actually came to the right guy for this  Dabi: What's the name of the nearest druggery 

You: ...fukuju pharmacy

Dabi: So I've been talking to a Setagaya girl 

You: only moved here for uni, hate to disappoint if ur expecting a wealthy maiden 

Mar 12 10:02 AM

Dabi: Don't you feel like getting a snack from the vending machine  Dabi: Specifically the one next to the pharmacy  Dabi: A bag of skittles sounds nice, doesn't it?

You: ? ? ?

Mar 12 10:34 AM 

You: did you commit a crime for me  You: how did you get your hands on actual fucking Ativan this fast

Dabi: I don't kiss and tell

You: did you follow me home  You: is this how i die

Dabi: You make it so hard to be nice to you Dabi: What do you think I am, a creep

You: if you were here i'd suck you off so good rn

Dabi: Whore Dabi: (Respectfully)

You: lmao ur right You: thank you for real though

Dabi: Stfu

Mar 12 1:33 PM

Dabi: Do u like cats

You: yes

Dabi sent an image.

Dabi: Noodle thieving menace 

You: 🥹 You: that has got to be the fattest street cat i’ve ever seen

Dabi: He’s hella fast 

You: how does it feel to be the one chasing the culprit for once

Dabi: Not nearly as thrilling as being the one committing the crime 

Mar 13 00:00 AM

Unknown: Congratulations! You have been selected as an eligible member for a free trial of Osaka Daily Post. Unknown: If you would like information about your benefits, reply 'BENEFIT' Unknown: If you would like to stop receiving these messages, reply 'STOP' 

You: i know it's you shithead

Unknown: Your message could not be processed. 

You: this is the unfunniest you've ever been ngl

Unknown: Your message could not be processed. 

You: you're truly one of the most annoying individuals in my life

Unknown: Your message could not be processed. 

You: STOP

Unknown: LMAO you thought

Dabi was saved as a contact. 

You: i'm reconsidering if the tongue piercing is really worth it 😤

Mar 13 04:55 AM

Dabi: Any particular reason why you chose forensics 

Mar 13 06:09 AM

You: i've always admired criminals but been to scared to become one You: and if i know about psychotic assholes it might help me to steer clear of them, or so i thought

Dabi: Is it working

You: evidently not

Dabi: Use me in ur thesis  Dabi: I'll be your lab rat

You: nah you're more beneficial to me when you're not stuck behind bars You: what do you have me saved as in your phone

Dabi: I don't save contacts  Dabi: Especially not yours  Dabi: You mean nothing to me 

You: aww do you know my number by heart, that's adorable You: i'm kinda genuinely impressed at how persistent you are at bothering me, it's almost like you like me or smth

Dabi: No fr though lmao if anybody finds my phone you'd be on a list

You: do u delete these chats

Dabi: Always

You: that's so romantic You: admit it you're actually a softie

Dabi: Would that make you more interested in me  Dabi: Then I'm the softest 

You: what do i need to do to make you the hardest

Dabi: ... Dabi: There's absolutely no correct way for me to respond to that  Dabi: You've left me speechless 

You: 🥵🥵

Dabi: What's your worst quality  Dabi: Besides being an irresistible smartass  Dabi: *irritating 

You: was that a freudian slip You: you're so obsessed with me it's adorable

Dabi: Proving my point so diligently 

You: you don't seem like the kind of person who would use words like 'diligently' You: i'm rather talkative at times You: to the point where it gets unbearable to listen to me

Dabi: I never would've guessed

You: what's yours? You: besides the obvious

Dabi: Still putting up with you 

Mar 13 7:45 PM

Dabi: Wyd 

You: i burned my rice a little You: but it's edible

Dabi: Don't you have a rice cooker? Who raised you 

You: my very strict but sweet and committed grandmother who made the best teriyaki salmon in the whole world You: i'd kill another human being to eat her home cooked food one more time

Dabi: So your parents ain't shit either 

You: eh, they're alright You: they're Business People overseas and aren't around a whole lot, means i get my own place though You: so i can have visitors at any desired hour 😏

Dabi: Omg sick Dabi: Me next

You: it was implied

Mar 13 11:11 PM

Dabi: Ok but do u actually wanna meet up sometime  Dabi: No strings attached ofc 

You: i'm down

Dabi: What if I'm a creep after all

You: if anything, it means i won't have to attend my lecture about carbon dots tmrw

Dabi: I can't tomorrow  Dabi: What about the day after Dabi: I'll give u my credit card info if it makes you feel more safe, don't bother trying to buy anything with it tho, you'll be disappointed

You: you may not show it a whole lot, but are you actually a considerate person? You: the day after sounds good

Dabi: Preem

You: oreryu shio ramen, right by harajuku station You: about time you had some good karaage You: my treat You: unless that's too far away for u

Dabi: I would fly across the world for u Dabi: Yes Harajuku works fine

Mar 14 08:49 AM

You: how will i recognise u You: what do u look like

Dabi: As my dad once said. I'm impossible to miss 

You: i laughed

Dabi: Guess it was all worth it then  Dabi: Do tattoos scare you

You: i was gonna ask cause there's no way you got only a tongue piercing and nothing else You: stand there with your tongue out

Dabi: Shouldn't we at least get to know each other before 😳

You: don't get any ideas  You: i don't intend to fuck u You: ...for now

Dabi: That's a relief, I thought I might have to file a restraining order afterwards 

Mar 14 1:42 PM 

Dabi sent an image. 

Dabi: If u see this guy u can still run the other way 

You: hhh fuck You: are u trying to intimidate me You: how do you have so many tattoos but no bedframe

Dabi: Cut me some slack, I just moved into this place 

You: fair warning i'm not as hot as u

Dabi: Bet 

You sent an image. 

Dabi: Why do women always lie. I thought you were better. I thought you were different

You: 😳 You: i'm actually worse

Dabi: We're such a good match

You: don't get ahead of urself. u r still a guy with no bedframe

Dabi: Please shut up

Mar 14 4:16 PM

Dabi: To be clear I'm not bringing flowers or anything  Dabi: And I'm actually willing to let you pay this time lol 

You: you have such a unique way with words 

Dabi: A bit tight on money rn but I'll pay u back some other way 

You: can we make that the first line in our sextape  You: dw i said it's my treat and i mean it You: does that make you feel emasculated

Dabi: Who would I be to say no to free food tf Dabi: If there's a next time I can take you out for drinks  Dabi: Nothing fancy but an old friend of mine owns a bar downtown and his girlfriend mixes a killer mule 

You: if you're gonna poison me after gaining my trust over my favourite food i will be incredibly sad 

Dabi: Give me some credit here. I'm trusting u to not rat me out to law enforcement 

You: you're giving me ideas You: is there a bounty on your head

Dabi: I'm not that important 

Mar 14 9:44 PM

You: so you're just too good to get caught

Dabi: Both flattering and factually correct Dabi: For the record I've never harmed anybody that didn't deserve it 

You: thanks for clarifying  You: i feel so safe now 

Dabi: Anytime  Dabi: If you're having second thoughts lmk before 10 am so I won't spend time getting ready for nothing 

You: 10 am is crazy  You: u r so vain 

Dabi: Alright then I won't 😔

You: i take it back You: be pretty for me

Mar 15 5:30 AM

You: can't sleep 

Mar 15 7:12 AM

Dabi: How the turntables  Dabi: Are you alright

You: yes  You: it's the good kind of sleepless 

Dabi: It's fine if you're having second thoughts, I won't hold it against you at all  Dabi: Just texting like this is nice too

You: fuck no i wanna meet the man behind the screen You: the myth, the legend, the crimelord himself 

Dabi: I'm never showing consideration for ur wellbeing ever again 

You: should've ghosted me before i got attached

Mar 15 9:54 AM

Dabi: Last chance to bail gracefully  

You: you make it so tempting 

Dabi: Getting out of bed then 

You: it's not a bed if it doesn't have a bedframe

Dabi: Shut, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, the hell your mouth

Mar 15 12:08 PM

Dabi sent a location pin.

Dabi: Is this the place

You: that's the one  You: be there in a few minutes 

Dabi: I'm waiting outside 

Mar 15 12:13 PM

You: omg i think i see u You: im shy

Dabi: U literally have so much blackmail material on me 

You: give me a second You: alright I'm coming over This message could not be delivered.

[landitolover]

𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒕, 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓, in which lando and his fiancée joke about having kids (cats), but they randomly just drop an actual pregnancy announcement! ౨ৎ lando x mexican!fiancée!reader

Liked by landonorris, carlossainz55, mclaren, oscarpiastri, and 109,122 others

yourusername que feo

tagged landonorris

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user get this girl a kid for christmas!

→ landonorris 😉😉

→ user bitch WHAT

→ user plot twist he gives her an actual kid instead 🤷‍♀️

→ user OH NAAH..😭

user QUE PRECIOSA

user are u guys still trying for a baby

→ yourusername yes i rlly want a kitten for Christmas landonorris

→ landonorris yeah and i want a hippopotamus for christmas

→ user okkk xmas king ‼️‼️

user i love u queen 🙏🏼 and your lil white boy 🫶🏼

Liked by the creator

user jump-scare warning for the 1st pic yn

→ yourusername LMFAOO

→ landonorris babe you’re supposed to defend me

→ yourusername lo siento 😞

carlossainz55 por fin, un caption que es la verdad 😂

→ yourusername yo solo digo la verdad 😇

→ landonorris stop shit talking me guys!!!!

→ carlossainz55 pobrecito 😪

→ yourusername no, you THREW ME IN THE SNOW

landonorris SOOO HERMOSA 🤩

landonorris i don’t regret the last slide.

→ yourusername i see how it is.. calling off the marriage rn

→ landonorris BABY I WAS KIDDING I FELT REALLY BAD

→ user smh i’m already a child of divorce 😞

lilymhe 😍😍 become a runaway bride for me

→ yourusername ofc baby

Liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri, carlossainz55, and 220,029 others

yourusername when he hangs out with the opposition… he’s cute though, I guess?

tagged landonorris

View all 1,019 comments

user the opps 😒😒😷😷

user WHERES RHE CAT CAFE LOCATED QUEEN

→ yourusername tiki’s cat cafe in mexico city x

user my babygirl perfect angel pink princess bubblegum honey sweetheart sunshine shmuckums

→ landonorris that’s actually what i call her every morning

→ alex_albon good morning baby

user shes so gorgeous I just died dead

yourmom que preciosa mija ❤️❤️

→ yourusername te amo mami !!

landonorris DIOSA 😍😍😍

→ yourusername okkk mexican king 🤩🤩 !!

landonorris mi chula novia 👰‍♀️

→ yourusername 💕

maxfewtrell no

→ yourusername who r u

→ maxfewtrell fuck off

→ landnorris erm actually 🤓 don’t talk to my fiancée like that

Liked by yourusername, oscarpiastri, carlossainz55, and 1,290,192 others

landonorris we found a cat in our chair after we finished swimming, welcome to the family zanahoria 🥕 (this is her only Christmas present)

tagged yourusername

View all 2,291 comments

user OMG 😊😊 THEY HAVE A KID!!

user she’s so pretty

user LANDO U ARE THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.

→ landonorris i know 😌

user UGHHHH IM SOBBING

user real baby next xx

→ user NOO GET OUTT 😭😭

user katnapped ❓

lilymhe she looks absolutely beautiful! uhm- and you’re there..

yourusername MY ONLY PRESENT?? YOU KIDNAPPED THE CAT

→ landonorris it was stray

→ yourusername u right.. i still deserve christmas gifts

→ landonorris i’m broke

→ yourusername …….🌝

Liked by landonorris, carlossainz55, mclaren, lilymhe, and 228,929 others

yourusername life update: back in my hometown, lando brought the helmet he quite literally dnfed in (🌝🌝), and my mom won’t stop showing him my baby pics. p.s. flo, can you please send me lando’s baby pics so he can stfu xx

December 21st, 2023

tagged landonorris

View all 1,029 comments

user tbf the helmet is rlly nice

→ user his rep era 😢 gone too soon

user WAAAHHHH

user best couple ever idc

user she was such a cute baby 🥹

→ user imagine their kids 😭😭

landonorris flo please don’t send her my baby pics

→ yourusername too late baby xx

landonorris wow u are so cool!!!! i am your biggest fan 🤩🤩

→ yourusername I’M (getting) MARRIED!!!!!!😡😡😡

→ landonorris he doesn’t have to know…😉😉

alex_albon u look disappointed in the first pic

→ yourusername i am

Liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, mclaren, lnfour, and 1,239,290 others

landonorris she isn’t dead!!

january 4th, 2024

tagged yourusername

View all 2,029 comments

user YN 😭😭😭 its been a year daddy

user i missed them so bad

user dont talk to me im sobbing

user SHES ALIVE!! AND HEALTHY!!!

yourusername 😇😇❤️❤️

alex_albon is your cat studious

→ landonorris duh, just like his dad 😉

→ alex_albon didn’t u like… not go to high school?

→ landonorris i can still be studious, mate!!!!

Liked by landonorris, mclaren, carlossainz55, yourmom, and 1,091,100 others

yourusername and it’s all just too much for little lando norris… surprise!! i am pregnant ❓(have been for like 3 months now)

tagged landonorris

march 1st, 2024

View all 2,019 comments

user OH MY GOD. THEYRE HAVING A KID????

user i am hyperventilating shut up

user LMFAOO THE 2ND PIC

user what about us….. your og children ☹️☹️

→ yourusername don’t worry 💕 you guys are the og!!!

user whats it finna play.. WOAAAHHH

user im throwing up i. Jsut fell on the floor

landonorris te amo mucho mi vida ☀️🤍🫶🏼

→ yourusername i love you more 🫶🏼🧡

lilymhe CONGRATS BABY 🎉🎉

→ yourusername thank you 💙💙💙

carlossainz55 i guess he isn’t so little after all? 😂

→ yourusername LMFAO CARLOS 😭😭

oscarpiastri is he crying over your cravings? cause they’re horrendous

→ landonorris yeah i am, but anything for my girl

→ yourusername STOP 🥹🥹

→ oscarpiastri ew don’t get all corny on me

yourmom por fin!!!

Liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, lnfour, and 1,678,919 others

landonorris daddy norris 🔜

tagged yourusername

View all 2,392 comments

user THE CAPTION? 💀

user i am so unbelievably happy for them

user mama y papa 💞💞💞

user who CHEERED

user omg she can’t have sushi until after the baby 😭😭

→ landonorris good.

user so i guess they were trying for an actual baby 😃

maxfewtrell mate get out with that caption

→ landonorris make me

→ maxfewtrell woah, you’re a soon-to-be-married man

→ landonorris 😐😐

yourusername 🔜

mclaren congratulations you two 🧡

→ landonorris thank you 🧡 (give me a life time contract??)

→ yourusername 🤍🤍

danielricciardo let me be the godfather (congrats mate 😁)

→ landonorris yourusername opinions?

→ yourusername uhmmmmmm

→ carlossainz55 let ME be the godfather

→ yourusername no güey

→ oscarpiastri pick me, choose me

→ yourusername 🐨🐨🐨

lnfour the soon to be better norris-l/n 💚

→ yourusername agreed

౨ৎ hi guyyysss 🤍🤍 sorry for not posting, i just didn’t have any motivation :,) but hopefully my motivation will come back though xx also i will prolly start writing part two of ‘say don’t go’ 🫶🏼

[worldlxvlys]

the fic u wrote called “use me” WAS SO GOOD OMG. you should write smth where chris is sub and the reader overstimulates him (like he cums like 6 times & he's crying & has to use there safe word) it’s kind of a similar request to the one u already did but idk maybe u could creative w it and do other stuff then like just head and riding. this is so aggressive but idc im a SLUT for sub chris & overstimulation.

pepsi

dwb! chris sturniolo x reader

warnings: ummm this is straight filth so don’t read if you don’t want to , oral (male receiving), p in v, overstimulation, use of vibrator , use of wrist tie, use of safe word

dwb! chris masterlist

thanks for the request !! hope you like <333

I LOVE SUB CHRIS I LOVE SUB CHRIS I LOVE SUB CHRIS !!

—————

“you’re so needy tonight, baby” i said to chris, who kept rubbing his bulge against me.

“really need you to fuck the shit out of me ma” he said as planted kisses down his chest.

“you sure ? cause if you want, i can get that bitch whose hands are always on you” i said in a firm, annoyed tone.

“she’s just a customer princess, no one fucks me like you do”

“i know” i said, looking meeting his lust-filled gaze.

eagerly, we quickly helped each other out of our clothes.

“wanna try something new?” i asked, remembering that i had received a new toy in the mail earlier.

“always, baby” with that, i reached into my nightstand grabbing a vibrator and a wrist tie.

when he saw this, his eyes widened. “am i tying you up baby?” he asked.

“nope, i’m tying you up. unless you don’t want me to?”

“of course i do baby, love when you take control” with that i tied his hands together, behind his back.

“you know your safeword?” “pepsi”

“perfect, baby” i said as i gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“are you using the vibrator on yourself ma?” he asked, eagerly. i switched it on.

“nope” i said as i placed it on his tip, making him buck his hips in surprise.

“holy shit ma, fuck fuck fuck” oh he’s in for a long night.

“feel good, chris?” i asked as i moved my face closer to his dick.

“yea ma, holy fuck”

i licked a stripe up his member, watching him squirm.

“jesus baby”

“hmmm you think anyone else can make you feel this good?”

he was feeling so much pleasure, all he could get out was strangled moans.

i grabbed his dick and squeezed the base of it, never moving the vibrator from his tip.

“shit yes!” his eyes widened. “i mean no! no! no one makes me feel like you! oh my gosh”

chris was never usually this vocal, so i was eating this up.

“hmm chris, what’s wrong? can’t even think straight huh?” i asked teasingly.

i took his balls in my mouth, now moving the vibrator up and down his shaft.

“m-ma, if you keep doing that i’m gonna cum”

i briefly paused to answer, “good” and went back to work on his dick.

his hips started to sputter, and he shot out thick white ropes of cum.

without a moment of hesitation, i liked him clean.

“holy shit baby” he said, breathing heavily.

i switched the vibrator off, setting it aside and moving my face back to his cock.

i swirled my tongue around his dick, making him buck his hips up and accidentally pushing himself to the back of my throat.

“baby, baby i’m so sens-“ he cut himself off with a moan as i continued to deepthroat him.

i reached down with my free hand, and played with my clit.

his groans turned into whimpers as i began to moan against him.

“feels so, fuck,so g-good baby”

i moaned in response to his praise, and he fell over the edge again.

i gave him a chance to recover, running my hands up his thighs soothingly and leaving kisses on his abs.

“gonna ride you now” i said moving my legs on either side of him, straddling him.

i didn’t wait for a response as i lined him up with my hole and slowly lowered myself onto him.

“mmmmmm” he whined. i watched as his arms flexed while he tried to fight against his restraint.

i waited a few seconds, and started to move in circular motions loving the way his dick pressed against my walls.

“mmm hm hmmm” more whines, before i started to bounce on his dick.

“ughhhhhh chris you feel so fucking good” i said feeling his dick deep inside of me.

he didn’t last long, already pretty sensitive from his previous orgasms.

“mmmmm- cumming cumming” he whined out as he released inside me. i kept going, determined to finish.

he continued to whine and whimper, while i fucked myself on his cock. his head was thrown back, overtaken with pleasure.

“c’mon chris, know you can make it baby” i said. i was so close to my orgasm.

“fuck chris, i’m cumming baby” i said. shortly after, i released on his cock.

my own release seemed to trigger another from him, taking us both by surprise as he let out a deep moan.

“tell me baby, does anyone else make you cum this much?” he didn’t answer.

he was in a blissed out state, eyes glazed over with lust, his hair sticking to his forehead, and a thin layer of sweat covered his skin.

i grabbed the vibrator, turning it on quickly and placing it where his dick and my pussy met.

“i asked you a god damn question chris”

“no no no no, no one, fuck, no one else. no one else”

the vibrator was hitting my clit perfectly, and i started to rock my body into it.

“shit chris”

chris’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as tears started to fall from his eyes.

“too much, too much baby”

i started to bounce again as i kept the vibrator against my clit, getting closer and closer to another orgasm.

i clenched around him as i released all over his cock again. i then lifted myself off of him and began to jerk him off to help him finish.

his hips twitched violently and i watched him squirm as he got closer and closer.

then, finally, strings of cum shot out of his dick. the more i pumped, the more cum flew out. i was milking him dry.

“OK OK! PEPSI PEPSI!” he yelled.

immediately, i let go of him and untied his wrists.

“shit baby, are you ok?” i asked, becoming concerned.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry chris”

he then cupped my face. “it’s ok baby, no need to apologize. that was hot as fuck, i just didn’t know if you were ever gonna stop”

“i don’t know if i was either, honestly” we both laughed.

i gave him a kiss to the forehead, “i’m gonna go run you a bath, baby” i said.

“thanks ma”

—————

…….heyyyy

idek what to say.

i need holy water.

can you tell i love sub! chris ?

masterlist

tag list: @lovingsturniolo @lustfulslxt @gwenlore @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @chrissturnioloswifey @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @chrisdevora @cupidsword @nickmillersn1gf @stramboli4life @mattsneezing @vib3swithanuk @ciarasturn1 @bethsturn

[hookhausenschips]

Buckle Bunny {LN4}

Masterlist

Summary: Daniel takes Lando to a rodeo and Lando has a crush on a buckle bunny

Join my taglist here!

FC: Tanner Adell

Reblog and like if you enjoyed!🫶🏽

Lando taglist: @esserenorris, @tallrock35, @yourbane, @lightdragonrayne, @really-fucking-tired, @evie-119, @donteventry-itdude, @spookystitchery

———————————————————

{Instagram}

y/n

liked by user, beyonce, lukecombs, jellyroll615, and others

y/n: Buckle Bunny is out! Music video drops tonight at midnight, can’t wait for you love this album🫶🏽🐇🤠

View all comments:

bunniexo_: so proud!!

user: I just fell to my knees in the Walmart parking lot

carrieunderwood: my new fav song!

landonorris added to his story!

seen by maxfewtrell, charles_leclerc, carlossainz55, and others

carlossainz55 replied to your story:

Here we go again

SHE COULD BE MY FUTURE WIFE

as if hermano

maxfewtrell replied to your story:

delete your account

Stay mad bitch

{Twitter}

Replies:

user259: Texas🤨

user725: instead of Charles in Vegas with Daniel it’s Lando in Texas😭

user018: save a horse👀🤠

{Instagram}

y/n

liked by landonorris, danielricciardo, user, and others

y/n: Thank you so much Texas! Truly felt like a buckle bunny here😉

View all comments:

user: MOTHERRR

hallebailey: YES MA’AM👏🏽👏🏽

beyonce: 😍

lukebryan: rockstar🤩

jbmauneyxv: phenomenal show!!

{Instagram DMs}

{Instagram}

f1paddockgossip

liked by user, danielricciardo, user, and others

f1paddockgossip: new relationship in bloom? Country singer Y/N, known for her infamous song ‘Buckle Bunny’ the new beau for Lando Norris? Looks to us the two are together today from Y/N’s post and Lando’s story.

View all comments:

user: DANIEL WHAT DO YOU KNWO

user: not mother NOOO STAND UP Y/N

user: I can take them both, I’m not talking about fighting

y/n

liked by user, danielricciardo, cocojones, sza, landonorris, and others

y/n: LOOK AT THIS COW BALE😭😭

View all comments:

cocojones: I’m so obsessed with you😩

> y/n: I will give you the universe 😭

chloebailey: our girl🥰

liked by landonorris

> y/n: 🫶🏽🫶🏽

user: is that a MAN???

> user: please tell me we haven’t lost mother to a man🤢

{Twitter}

Replies:

user2375: they’re definitely dating idc 😭

user825: HE?? PULLED??? Y/N??? HIM???

user397: I’m so normal about this🙃🙃

{Instagram}

landonorris added to his story!

y/n

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell, danielricciardo, quadrant, and others

tagged: landonorris

y/n: his lasso stole my heart🥰🤠

View all comments:

danielricciardo: I am taking full credit for this

landonorris: YOU SAID THAT PICK UP LINE WAS TERRIBLE

> y/n: it was babe

user: the poem😭😭

landonorris: I’d walk the entire planet for you baby🧡

maxfewtrell: finally! I was so sick of hearing him whine about not telling the world you guys are dating

> landonorris: FALSE INFORMATION

[skyss-personal-hell]

Random Thoughts lol

BSD Men: Do They Know Where The Clit Is?

ADA

Dazai: There’s no way he doesn’t know where it is.

Ranpo: Duh hes the worlds greatest detective ofc he does.

Kunikida: Probably, he seems like the type to pay attention in class and sex ed is a class so probably.

Atsushi: No, the orphanage most probably didn’t give a singular fuck about sex ed lmaooo.

Junichiro: Probably, but not for the right reasons. . .

Fukuzawa: Yes, bros been alive for DECADES he knows.

Port Mafia

Hirotsu: Man’s old as FUCK but so most likely.

Kajii: He’s a scientist ofc he knows. In fact I’d be concerned if he didn’t know.

Akutagawa: I’m gonna say no on this, I think he’d probs be scared (he would N E V E R admit that) of fucking up so he just like never had sex with anyone.

Chuuya: Yes.

Tachihara: Yes, though I don’t think he’d have that much experience.

Oda: Yeah I feel like he would.

Ango: (idk where tf to put him so here) Yes, but like he’s a virgin. Gets absolutely N O bitches. (I’m meaning bitches as in sex not dating)

The Guild: (murica RAAAA)

Mark: Ok so like this probs makes no sense but he’s a sniper so yes.

Herman: ONCE AGAIN ANOTHER OLD ASS MAN YES HE PROBABLY DOES

Edgar Allan Poe: (idk it feels wrong to not say his whole name) Yes, but bro has NEVER touched a women in his life. I can guarantee that.

Nathaniel: This is a personal bias but no. (I hate him) He probably thinks that “as long as you’re married it’s good sex”.

Francis: Once again personal bias, yes. I love him, he 100% knows where it is and he’s one of the few that actually knows it’s a wishbone shape and not just an oval. Props to him. (I feel like Kunikida also knows it’s a wishbone bc he like actually paid attention in class)

John: No.

Lovecraft: No and he doesn’t care.

NOW THE MOST NGHHHH GROUP THE HUNTING DOGS!!!

Tecchou: Yes he’s not stupid ofc he knows.

Fukuchi: He sucks but yeah probably.

Jouno: YES. IDC IF HES BLIND HE JUST KNOWS. BROS A FUCKING MAD MAN HE KNOWS. (but he’ll purposely avoid it to drive you insane)

DOA

Sigma: No, no fucking clue.

Fyodor: Yes, he’s smart asf ofc he knows.

Nikolai: Yes, but will purposely avoid it for shits and giggles.

Bram: Yes probably but like how would bro do anything💀 he has NO LIMBS OTHER THAN A HEAD all he could do is eat you out lmao