#yes i AM thinking about a particular post. no it wasn't that good but still. a moment of heartache for sure

[skrunksthatwunk]

see 0 note flop posts aren't that bad when they're personal but 0 note fandom posts feel literally so bad. like if you don't wanna play toys with me anymore just say that. i'll pack up my super cool awesome things and go and i'll sit on the other side of the playground by myself and i won't even look at you. fuck

[pinguwrites]

Sub!Robert Fischer where he's tied up and being overstimmed repeatedly. He's crying his eyes out while reader degrades him for being spoiled and rich (I've been reading ur work for some time, but requesting for the first time!)

I’m glad you like my work and I’m glad you requested as well!

Drabble: you degrade and overstimulate Rob

pairing | sub!robert fischer x girlfriend!reader

Warning: overstimulation, degradation/ a little bit of praise, loads of crying from rob, impact play, dom/mean!reader, sub!robert, daddy issues, p in v sex, mention of teasing/edging, robert's a masochist at this point, they have a safeword, ma'am kink

Disclaimer: Inception characters, plots, quotes, etc. do not belong to me and belong to the rightful owner(s). This is only fanfiction and this is just for fun.

A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I wrote like 7k for one fic, and 6k for another, and I progressively got slower the closer I got to finishing, it's like a fucking exponential graph. That's why I haven't been writing smaller things, but you know what? Fuck that. I told myself I was going to stay dedicated but now I'mma just do what I want.

Robert gazed up at you as you crawled on top of him, his lower lip wobbling, tears dripping down his cheek like rain. He savored the brief touch of your hands on his chest, and whined when you moved away, but he made sure not to be too loud, lest he get some punishment.

"Ma'am?" Robert asked tentatively, not sure wether he was alowed to speak or not.

"Yes, Rob?" you hummed, focusing on tightening his restraints. Just a few minutes before Robert had been squirming and squealing, tugging on his ropes, and now that you were done with that particular bit of torture, you had to make sure they were secure again.

“Can you ride me?” he asked. “Please?”

"Dunno."

Robert shifted his legs. Gosh, you loved his legs. His thighs were so soft and lightly haired, you loved running your hands across them, no matter how many times he complained your touch was cold.

"Do you think you deserve it?" you added.

"You've been edging me for so long," he pathetically whimpered. "I need — "

" — Of course you do," you cut him off. "What am I even saying? You rich fuckers are all the same — spoiled, bratty. Just a need a strong woman to put them in their place, huh?”

Robert's eyes glistened. He was about to sob again. Good thing you brought tissues.

"It's not like that. Please, just . . ."

"Then what's it like?"

Robert stayed silent, clearly afraid of saying the wrong thing. You already knew the answer. It was his fetish, his kink, but he also liked being cared for and nurtured and guided. You just wanted to hear him say it, but judging at way he was behaving, you weren't sure if you could get a coherent response out of him that wasn't a beg to be fucked.

You slapped him across the face, savoring the little noise he made.

"Should've known your mouth was no good for anything. Stupid puppy."

"Yeah," he nodded eagerly, his cock twitching. "M'just a stupid puppy for you. Please, please, fuck me."

"Won't even offer to eat me out? You haven't made me come a single time today."

Robert looked down, embarrassed.

"Fine."

Without a warning you sunk down onto his cock, drenching him with your wet juices, your tits bouncing in the air. He let out a moan, his head hitting the pillow, eyes closing, relaxing as he finally, finally got the release he wanted.

But when he came, you didn't stop. You still hadn't come, and you weren't stopping until you did.

"Pretty boy," you said, then looked down with a fake pout. "Aww? Is this too much for you?"

"Y-yes," he choked out.

"Well, you're gonna have to fucking deal with it."

He shook his head adamantly.

"Isn't this what you asked for?" His eyes rolled. You pat his cheeks, getting him to focus on you. "Color?" you asked.

". . . Ah, greeeen!"

"There ya go," you cooed, moving your hips up and down. "I wouldn't be doing this if I knew you couldn't handle it. Now, tell me — tell me you're my bitch."

"I'm your bitch!" Robert sobbed, his body shaking. "I just need you so bad all the time, ma'am, I can't help myself."

"I know," you soothed, wiping his tears. "I know. You're doing so well."

That seemed to calm him down a little. Praise always did.

"I just wanna be good for you, ma'am." You could tell he was getting ready to come again.

"You are — you're a good boy," you reassured. "Now stop squiggling, okay? Or I'm going to have to punish you again."

Robert nodded, feeling like his brain was melting. At this point, you could do anything to him and he would be on his knees, thanking you.

Taglist: @henrywintersdearestgirl @shroombloom-rry @meetmeatyourworst @mrkdvidal1989 @madnessandobsession @slut4thebroken

[lizzychanstuffss]

Omg maybe Astarion somehow being able to see a reality where he ascended and the dark urge ruled with him

his reaction could be good or bad 🧐 maybe both

BARK BARK BARK you are my first dark urge request so I am excited to write this! Also since I enjoy the idea of some angst with this I am going to say this takes place post-game with a good durge and spawn Astarion :3

Astarion x Redeemed!durge!Tav GN

Spoilers for the entire game. Also, forgive me if the details aren't perfect, I am fairly aware of what happens but for my own sanity I haven't actually seen these endings XD

Requests are still open!

You couldn't sleep, no particular reason this time either, just no matter what you did, tiredness would not take you. Honestly, you considered just taking a walk and seeing if it would tire you out although you didn't want to leave Astarion alone without telling him where you were going. It was something you realized he preferred once you started living together after everything that's happened. It was cute.

So instead of taking a walk you just stared out the window from your shared bedroom of the house you had made your own. The sun was starting to rise already which means that your 'night' was just starting. Converting to a nocturnal schedule was something Astarion actually refused to let you do at first, but considering that if you didn't you would basically never spend any time together he eventually relented. Oddly enough it wasn't a hard switch either you actually preferred to be awake at night then the day. You figured this might have been an old habit from your past life.

Astarion had decided to turn in early for the night, the both of you had a rowdy night of mischief-making and partying and well people congratulating you for saving the entire city basically. It was frankly exhausting and you couldn't blame the vampire for needing an early night. He had been in a trance for a while at this point but when you turned to check on him you noticed his brow was furrowed.

It was such a small thing that almost anyone would miss it but not you, you had a keen eye for the microexpressions his face made when he was having complicated emotions. You didn't always understand what they meant or what was going on in his head but you knew something was off with the man. So you crawled back into bed and debated for a moment about waking him up but decided unless he seemed to be in a panic it was best not to wake him. So instead you just put a gentle hand on his arm and then one in his hair stroking it gently.

After a bit of that he seemed to relax again. Before you noticed his eyes half open gazing at you.

"Oh did I wake you?" you asked him.

"No...well yes but don't apologize....I'm glad you did" turning to face you better he gently took the hand that had been on his shoulder and placed it on his face. The gesture surprised you a little. It's not something you had thought he would do.

"Is something wrong, love?" words sincere, he doesn't speak, at least not until he gathers his thoughts a bit.

"I had a dream, no it was more like a vision." he starts "It was about us...but it wasn't 'us' if that makes sense?" he asked, staring at you with one of his classic wet and pathetic cat looks he was prone to making in moments of vulnerability.

"I think I understand like you saw a version of us from another reality?" He nodded in response to your attempt at describing what he saw. "And what was different about this version of us?"

"Well, I'm not sure what entirely to make of it...it was almost like we were the worst versions of ourselves....we seemed happy but also miserable..." His voice trailed off a bit but he continued speaking before you could say anything in response "You had claimed the Crown for Bhaal, but I was ruling by your side...and I think I went through with the ritual" he seemed confused and shocked by own words but also terrified.

"O-oh" was the only thing you could say in response. Suddenly his want for comfort made utter sense and you couldn't help but comply running your thumb across his cheek. He melted into the touch relaxing a bit more.

The two of you stayed like that more a while. The information was quite a shock to both of your systems, but the both of you were thinking about it just unsure of what to say about such a thing. Then you finally spoke up.

"What did you think of this version of us?"

He sat with your question for a bit.

"I'm...I'm not sure....I know I didn't like it, it felt wrong" He sighs, "What do you think about this version of us?" flipping your own question back on yourself, you take a moment to think about how to answer before speaking.

"Considering that Bhaal wanted me to take the crown for himself and rule the world I can assume he...owned me" as hard as it was to admit you fully knew what taking that crown for yourself meant as it would have never been something you choose on your own. "You said you had ascended in the vision as well?"

He nodded "It was awful, it was as though I was looking as someone possessing my body, there was no ‘me’ anymore just a husk of who I thought I was supposed to be..." tearing up a bit "I was exactly like Cazador" he choked out the words sounding disgusted with himself.

"Hey look at me, that's not you though, that's not either of us" you pressed your forehead to his.

"And it never will be, I won't let it be"

His arms wrapped around you pulling you into him, as he nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck finding comfort in it as you held him. A hand coming up to gently play with the curls in his hair as he lets himself calm down in your embrace, although you also felt his hand stroke up and down your back in a soothing motion you weren't sure if it was for you or for himself but it was a nice gesture either way.

The two of you stayed like that for a while.

[missezramay]

ted lasso, post-finale thoughts.

I went into the finale thinking yeah, if the writing serves, I can accept any outcome even if it's not exactly what I want. Instead, I was hit with a plethora of mixed emotions I didn't expect to have. Confusion, anger, hurt, annoyance, small bursts of joy in between, and just deep sadness. Almost 20 hours later and I'm still incredibly dissatisfied and processing. For the most part, finales should provide a feeling of celebration and relief. I... don't feel any of that.

I'm just really trying to pinpoint why I'm so sad.

Of course everything inevitably has to come to an end. Of course Ted was always going to reunite with his kid. Of course it's not about winning or losing. Of course Tedbecca can remain platonic if that was always the plan. Of course that's the way life goes, but...

For a show (and this season particularly) that constantly encouraged us to 'believe' and 'hope' in the idea that 'everything will work out', all those 75 minutes did was take me on an unsettling, emotional journey for no concrete reason other than to mess with the audience (the opening scene was just adding salt in the Tedbecca wound I've had since S2). Because everything in a macro sense, "worked out". But the WAY it "worked out" does not sit well with me?? And it's supposed to? For a lot of people (on Reddit/Facebook, lol), it was enough?? Richmond not technically winning and Ted leaving like that without so much as a tear? What am I missing??

When I tell you I'm trying to embrace the good parts, I'm really trying. Yes to KBPR & the women's team, Yes to Colin kissing his fella, Yes to Rebecca & Mae & the guys owning the club, Yes to Roy becoming Manager.

So... why am I still so upset? Hmm, let's see.

The boys' musical number? The cutest. Ted didn't think so.

Nate's apology? Heartbreaking. Ted didn't bat an eyelash.

Rebecca begging twice for Ted to stay? Ted, absolute silence.

Beard staying/getting married in London to his toxic gf? Comic relief, haha, fine. Except Ted wasn't there as Best Man.

Don't even get me started on the huge disservice to the Roy/Keeley/Jamie triangle.

Now listen, I get that he misses Henry & Henry misses his dad. I'm not that cold. A father/son's love is important. It was always the catalyst for this show; for him to work on himself so he can be a better father unlike the one he grew up with. That's fine.

But on this particular week. His last week with his Richmond family. There was NO sense of him being sad to leave them. He can be sad about missing Henry but he can ALSO be sad about leaving. No, he just completely checked out. He let everyone pour out their hearts (Hannah's getting her third Emmy, mark my words) to him, and he just stone-faced the entire time.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

The argument is that he was internally processing, he was overwhelmed, he was trying to distance himself so it would hurt less. Fair points, okay. But this is a television show, moreover, A FINALE. TV characters, while relatable, are heightened versions of ourselves, there so we can better process our emotions and learn to handle things better in our real lives. Ted deserved MORE dialogue and displaying MORE emotion than whatever this was.

We're never going to see him again. We're over here crying along with Rebecca, Nate & Beard, but he didn't sob once. Even though he spent three years building a family with them. I even thought, hey at least he left his legacy with Trent's book but newsflash, he wanted his name taken off that too! Complete erasure.

I just feel so robbed of better moments. Like there were nice moments here and there. But they could've been BETTER. Honestly, Nate & Rebecca's breakdowns were close to perfection, so much love there. But the lack of dialogue and Ted not reciprocating? Broke ME.

I just cannot. understand. this. choice.

Massive sigh. I'm just truly baffled by the way everything wrapped up and not getting the satisfied feeling that one half of the viewership got. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that means something. It carries weight. Also, for a "three-season arc" that was planned well in advance, why all the rewrites and parallels and fakeouts... it's just cruel. But as the theme says (and maybe this was a warning all along), yeah, I guess this might well be it.

This show has given us so much and the last season flailed for the most part. I don't want to disrespect the show by being negative and cynical (looks like I failed!!) or cast blame on anyone in particular. The cast/crew are amazing people and I'll be grateful for being a part of the journey but I'm just so sad and this feeling sucks and I will never get over it.

Going to miss them. x

[emblazons]

Still thinking about how understanding what happened in the S3-S4 relational narratives requires you suspend the belief that the last two (soon to be 3) seasons of Stranger Things are designed to stand alone.

With S1 and S2, the seasons existed as standalone entities—S2 was a sequel yes, but it wasn't a direct narrative extension of the action that occurred in the season before. You could watch Season 2 with only a bit of context from the first season (one boy got kidnapped and taken by the monster into another dimension, the girl from the lab with the superpowers showed up and they worked together to save said boy, but then she disappeared and was presumed dead) and watch the second season with little issue.

Its not the same with Seasons 3-5. If anything...it helps when analyzing to imagine Seasons 3-5 as one "season" in the same way S1 and S2 exist as single entities; the Duffers have already confirmed its true for Seasons 4-5, but it gets a lot easier to follow arcs and action, particularly for the youngest characters, if you stop trying to find coherence in single-season stories and look at each season as three parts of a whole.

This is true across the board, but it's particularly true in the case of understanding Byler, both as individuals and a pairing (though the full buildup of their romantic arc will take us across all 5 seasons). Understanding why S3 feels like you just got dropped into nonsense with them specifically (after two seasons of Michael "I'm the only one who cares about Will" Wheeler and Will "I am central to the story even when I'm off screen" Byers) is because The Duffers took the risk of introducing a brand new set of conflicts to the youngest characters: namely, ongoing romantic relationships, personal identity crises and sexuality...only without resolving the conflict and action in the 8-9 episodes they usually do, which is why you feel frustrated by it.

Basically: Season Three was the season where we set up the relational problems that need to be fixed—we just have three entire seasons to work through them, which means its gonna look bad at the start and good as we work through the problem (over the course of a few seasons) to get to the solution.

forewarning: ferociously long post ahead (with headers for clarity)

Will’s Arc: A (Queer) Coming of Age

With Will, the problem re-introduced in S3 is that he feels different from his peers, and not just because he's gay; its because 1) he is in love with Mike in a way that is more genuine than we are being presented in the third season (that "sandbox" "puppy love" "break up and makeup" summer fling energy that S3 has) and 2) he is unwilling to step into the lie of "maturity" as its being presented in the story, aka giving up things like hanging out with his friends over focusing on relationships or giving up games (DnD in particular).

(sidebar: I wrote another analysis touching on the above here).

A lot of people I've met who watch the show casually say things like "it just seems like he's not able to grow up like his friends" and even "he's falling behind," but I think that's on the right track while missing the point: the reason Will is written as "refusing to grow up" is because he is the character that represents the rebellion of The Duffer's heart and interests, and both of the things that seem like they would be a bad because they make his character different in the narrative are actually surprisingly positive for his "three season" arc...if you understand what the ongoing themes of Stranger Things are.

With Will, the “problem” in the story exists because he is the one who represents being weird/the outcast/queer and not giving into the social pressure to “let go” of that—he loves another boy, is more emotional than his peers and loves nerdy things like his tabletop board game and refuses to deny that to himself, no matter how brutalizing that is for him and his feelings. In that way, he is the character who “represents” the sentiment of The Duffers themselves—he is a nerd, a child at heart, and he has no problem taking DnD and anything else into “adulthood,” (looking at you “yeah, yeah I really did” during the rain fight) the same way The Duffers have.

That said: as we move into season 4, Will is presented with an evolution of this conflict—he wants to continue to be honest with and about himself, his feelings, and his interests…but it comes in direct conflict with his understanding of his peers & Mike, whom he loves.

We see this conflict show up repeatedly in Will’s actions in S4, especially in regards to the painting, which is the physical representation of both his love of Mike and his embracing of his nerdiness. Will shows up to the airport with his painting in spite of not speaking to Mike because his heart is to be honest and true-to-self regardless of anyone else—you even see this as he takes the painting on the road when they plan on going back to Hawkins, after he makes up with Mike. The problem is though (and this plays into the whole “we want you to feel like you lost” sentiment The Duffers spoke about, as S4 is the “down” before the “up”resolution of the whole narrative) that Will he realizes that his desire to be honest is getting in the way of (his perception of) the happiness of the people he loves, so he decides to betray his character and break the first cardinal rule of The Party…to tell his first lie.

There are plenty of phenomenal analyses on other aspects of Will’s connection to Vecna/the UD and the love triangle dynamic at play across this app so I’ll leave that alone here (I do have many thoughts on why the above makes Henry Creel the perfect villain foil to Will specifically), but: for the sake of understanding Will’s relational narrative arc, it’s critical to understand that our “low” for him is the betrayal of his ongoing S3 character—and that him undermining his self-honesty, nerdiness and love for Mike are the things that The Duffers have set themselves up to resolve in S5.

The resolution for Will is to re-embrace his differences —to realize that lying to yourself and other people about who you are and what you love (both in terms of “nerdy” interests and his queerness) is not who he wants to be, no matter how hard it is to stand up for in the wake of adversity—along with embracing the power of real love, which is also an ongoing theme the Duffers have set up in their relationships beginning in Season 3.

Now…on to Michael.

Mike’s Arc: Finding Yourself & Embracing What Makes You Different

—anyone with a single toe in this fandom knows that Mike Wheeler is one of the most divisive characters in this story when it comes to deciding 1) what his motivations are and 2) what his desires will be, but (and bare with me on this)…I think that’s kind of the point of his story. Mike’s “three season” arc is about him moving through a confusion of identity into someone who can embrace himself while addressing the things he is most insecure about—namely; being seen, being useful, and (very, very likely) the fact that the person who makes him feel most secure, seen, useful and loved is another boy.

There are several context clues that give credence to the fact that the reason Mike feels so wishy-washy / lacking in depth is because his struggle is not knowing how to find his place in the world, though you have to go further back than S3 to find them. Let me explain.

From the literal pitch of the show, there has always been an undercurrent of self-doubt and insecurity in Mike; his desire to escape the weight of feeling insecure has been a driving factor in his actions since before he was even on the screen, and it is impossible to understand what motivates him without first understanding that.

With Mike, his actions across all seasons have been weighed down by his desire to escape his insecurities through action—and as he’s gotten older, what he’s used to escape those insecurities (to be someone like the paladin he plays in DnD) has evolved and shifted, ranging through everything from turning the world (no pun intended) upside down to find Will; being willing to sacrifice his life to save Dustin from bullies; using any weapon he could find to fight a baby demogorgon; and wanting to be a heroic knight who protects the perceived vulnerable girl once he starts dating Eleven.

The point is: Mike’s deepest core need is to assuage his insecurities by doing whatever he can to be a good person—and when he feels like can’t do anything or protect the people he loves…he spirals. That’s been true since the start of his character…and everyone from The Duffers to Finn Wolfhard himself has mentioned it.

Now. With that baseline established, let’s talk Season 3.

Ironically enough, a lot of people feel like Mike’s character has “fallen off” because he, by the sake of all appearances, has achieved all the things he is supposed to want—namely a girlfriend, which (at least in his mind) is the physical embodiment of successfully “addressing” his core fears.

Because Mike has all the external markings of a well-adjusted kid—he comes from a wealthy family, has a solid group of friends (who are also mostly now striving for social normalcy) and even a girlfriend—he seems to have addressed what many people even in real life believe is the end of most arcs & the fulfillment of the fantasy. For Mike, the appearance of his S3 life seems to have assuaged the fears at the root of several of his insecurities, including the desire to be needed, the desire to protect, the desire to be useful, and the desire for acceptance…all because now he’s saved El and has her at his side, and having a girlfriend means he has everything a good, well-adjusted guy is supposed to want.

Or…does it?

With how The Duffers set up the story (with S3 as the introduction of a new conflict for every major character), the answer they’re giving you based on how Mike interacts with other characters is no—having a girlfriend and acting “mature” doesn’t solve anything, especially if the core problem of you having an insecure identity while being dishonest with yourself isn’t addressed…and it’s the arc of Mike learning that “lesson” that we find ourselves dropped into moving into Season 3.

Beginning in S3, the war on Mike’s insecure self-concept comes at him on two fronts: on the one side, El, who started her journey needing Mike because of her background but now has no real need for any of the things he so desperately wants to provide as a means to validate himself, and on the other Will, whose deep familiarity and history with Mike combined with his confidence in his own identity presents Mike with a challenge of self-reflection that he doesn’t exactly feel ready for yet.

(sidebar: my post on how Mike's arc is intrinsically tied to a subversion of the "Born Sexy Yesterday" trope is a helpful expansion on things I talk about here).

We see this in how Mike gets frustrated with Max for giving El the space and language to not need him (undermining his role in her life as someone who she needs to protect/guide her); we see it in how he says cruel things when Will behaves in a way that challenges the actions Mike has taken to be “mature” (how he insults Will for not also wanting a girlfriend / still wanting to play the games that set them apart as nerds/different); and we see it in how Mike still goes out of his way to fix those relationships in the best way he can—because he knows on some level that what he’s doing in several moments isn’t in alignment with who he wants to be, even though they are both presenting him with radical internal challenges.

Ironically enough, Dustin does a great job of summarizing the two sides of Mike's internal conundrum in what he says to Steve about Robin—Mike, somewhat like Steve, is struggling between what is socially acceptable in a partner (or "cool") and what he actually wants and enjoys in one—and as El and Will evolve, so does Mike's internal conflict about how he perceives their places in his world.

Between El’s supernatural abilities and rapidly growing autonomy making him obsolete to her in all the areas that matter to Mike (see: the ability to protect, be useful, and be seen) and Will’s reminding him that at his core he is just as much of a nerd as Will is, Mike finds himself feeling more confused and insecure than ever…and that is the internal conflict we see him end S3 battling.

The evolution of Mike’s narrative arc past the introduction of this internal conflict doesn’t happen until is the Byers/Hopper move to Lenora though…when he is literally left alone to process what that intense summer brought to light for him—which is the note we're left on as we move into the next phase of Mike's evolution in S4.

In S4, the development of Mike figuring out what he wants and needs from his relationships + the kind of person he wants to be becomes a lot more external—we see him going through a series of code switches as he tries to manage the ever changing landscape of his self-perception, where has started journey toward self-acceptance but is still insecure about following through with it.

We see this in the way he has now joined The Hellfire Club and shows sincere signs of accepting his interests and "outcast" status, but still looks forlorn when Lucas says “I’m tired of being bullied / I thought you wanted things to be different too” (Lucas’ struggles with some aspects of performing normalcy the way Mike does S4).

We see it in the way he shows up to Lenora dressed in what he thinks he’s should be wearing rather than as himself / the way he continues performing his relationship with El throughout that first day (and how he says it was Will who "sabotaged" things by being that same kind of radical honest about his feelings we talked about before)...only for the events of the day to spur him into meaningful honesty with both El and Will (to varying degrees of success) mere hours later.

We even see it in the way Mike seemed to have been “turning over a new leaf” once he and El fought, to the point he was okay with them ending the “normalcy” performance of their romance…right up until Argyle’s paranoia while burying Unknown Hero Agent Man struck the fear of god back into him (aka making him worry he was letting El down by not protecting her—aka tapping into one of his core fears).

Basically: Mike is leaning into accepting the things that make him different in little ways, but is still struggling to step into that identity fully—aka he is still using perceived social acceptability as a shield, even though he no longer holds as tightly to being perceived as normal. (Even Finn himself often jokes about Mike “just trying to be normal,” which I think is a good, simple explanation of what’s happening—that said, if we take that reading and combine it with those “narrative goals” I mentioned The Duffers have earlier…Mike trying to be normal is an issue to be resolved, not an identity to be embraced. But…let’s move on).

By the time we get to the infamous van scene, we’ve watched Mike struggle through the two sides of his inner conflict for the entire season now, and felt him very gently succeed at switching into a more honest version of himself (who doesn’t need a girlfriend as a shield / can embrace his “otherness” in the same way Will does) right up until his inherent desires to be needed and useful come rearing up the second El is in danger.

It’s why we see him look pleased (but also marred with conflict) when Will looks confident, happy and radiant talking about “playing dnd and Nintendo for the rest of their lives…” and why him being honest in that scene is actually a huge moment for him, because rather than being vague about what has been plaguing him for two seasons now (trying to be “normal” just because he feels insecure) Mike is finally verbalizing the internal conundrum of his now two seasons of looking critically at his insecurities.

Now—I could spend all day digging into just that bit of narrative alone—the way Mike finally externalizing his insecurities to be processed with Will rather than acting on them and hurting people unintentionally is a giant leap for him, and how when Will says “you’re sacred of losing her” Mike’s nod is an acknowledgement that Will is right…but his face is saying there’s more to that fear than he’s acknowledging—

—but for the sake of this analysis of the narrative arcs, the van scene is most important because it’s when the S4 “it feels like you lost” moment begins for Mike…and that’s because it matches up directly with the “you feel like you lost” moment for Will: him lying about the painting.

When Will lies about the painting—saying that his feelings and the art that (as I said before) represents 1) his love of Mike, 2) his embracing of his nerdiness and 3) that radial self-honestly Mike so admires Will for—it throws a wrench into Mike’s internal revelations because Will is essentially saying that the relationship that Mike was slowly realizing he used to assuage his insecurities (his relationship with Eleven) is actually what lines up best with "who he wants to be," which throws Mike’s slow growth toward Will + honesty about what (and who) he wants to be into a tail spin.

From Will’s lie onward, Mike is thrown into moment after moment of conflicting emotions and dire circumstances as well—and given that Mike's deep terror of losing people comes up strongest when the people he loves are in danger, it’s only downhill for Mike’s growth toward self actualization from here. In that sense, (much Jonathan's S4 omissions of his truths/fears to Nancy leading to Nancy's regression into complacency / social conformity with Steve), its Will's lie that leads us directly into the “you feel like you lost” moment for Mike: him moving back into "conforming" territory and confessing his love to El in the SBP.

The monologue (at least in terms of the narrative arc The Duffers are writing) is Mike’s “losing” moment because it’s when he has enough self-revelation to realize that being with a girl as a shield for his insecurities is no longer what he wants...but the drive he has to be useful, protect and love any way he can (on top of Will’s urging + lie) leave him feeling like his only option is stepping into the person he was at the start of S3.

In this moment, we see Mike say exactly what someone who is "acting normal” about loving his girlfriend and wanting to save her would….even though romantic love with El (and the socially-acceptable romantic relationship he has with her) are not what he really wants, and what we will watch crumble moving into S5.

Essentially: Mike having a moment of dissonance of that magnitude after an entire season of looking toward Will was what set us up to see all those "external markings of normalcy" Mike has held onto and had started grating against for two seasons now fall apart, given what we know about those core messages/themes/child-at-heart values the Duffers hold and keep at the heart of their show.

As of the end of S4, we can already see how this "regression" into his old self is not going to hold—the fact that everything Mike did to save El is rooted 1) in a lie and 2) not in alignment with Mike evolving understanding of his core desires makes sure of that.

We even see the beginnings of this "low" being resolved in Mike's arc in how Mike & El are not speaking (even with the 'resolution' of their surface-level S4 conflict with Mike's love confession) and how Mike is glued to Will's side even before Vecna is mentioned–which is how we've been set up to see the resolution of Mike's arc in S5.

With all this in mind, it becomes a bit clearer that the resolution of Mike's arc is him moving through the confusion of identity we've watched him go through from S3 forward and into someone who can embrace who he is what he truly loves without fear of going against what is expected—aka finding the courage not to conform.

Mike as a character is a lesson in how doing what you think you're supposed to (aka what is "normal") is often at odds with who you are and what makes you the happiest—and the only way to self-actualize is to move past your insecurities and into someone who can be confident embracing what (and who) they really want...even when it means stepping out of line from what you’ve grown up believing would do the self-actualizing for you.

Final Thoughts

Both Mike and Will's relational arcs revolve around an embracing of what makes them different—in terms of their (highly likely) mutual queerness, yes, but also in terms of them making self-actualized peace with being nerdy "children at heart" in much the same way The Duffer Brothers themselves are.

If Will represents a person who struggles because they refuse to deny themselves their identity, Mike represents a person who struggles because they don’t understand their identity, and are walking around just trying to do whatever they can to get along (because they haven’t been presented with the inciting conflict that will move them into self-revelation & growth).

Both of these internal conflicts are narrative arcs that have been built into the coming of age stories of both halves of Byler—and though we are currently sitting at the "low" of both of their arcs as of the end of Season 4, the setup and though-line for them finding themselves (and real, honest love with each other) has been clearly set up for exploration in Season 5.

—if you managed to get through all of this, I commend you. And yes, there are a million other things to be explored between these two, but...I enjoy sorting through the thematic / "moral of the story" through-lines in all my media, so of course I was gonna do it for for Byler!

[angeart]

I am trying to be a patient anon and not send too much before you finish your Mimic/Juni rambles before asking for more rambles (I love him, he did A Big Bad but I love him)

but you called attention to it so what happened to Scar's ear?? D:

(honestly wasn't sure if I should ask you or Link cuz its Link's art but I saw your post first this morning so.... :x)

-🎀

HELLO there is no need to hold back and be patient <33 I love seeing you in my asks and always get excited! Also also also! So happy to hear you love our Juni even though he did Big Bad. I promise the main Mimic Arc Rambles Part II will have a snapshot of what happens to him after all this. 

Anyway! For now, to answer your question about the feather earring!

Some time after reuniting (after the whole Juni thing), Scar and Grian find a cave with a hot-spring, where they take shelter for a little while. Things happen, and somewhere along the lines, Scar asks Grian to mark him in some way. (Scar already marked Grian—) 

He says: Show the world I’m yours.

And so Grian does the avian thing. He touches his wings, willingly and deliberately, without the intent to harm them—something that hasn’t happened in so long—and he picks a nice-looking feather. And he gifts it to Scar. To say that yes, they’re connected. That they belong to each other. (And oh, how much it means for Scar to have access to this part of Grian; to be given something so monumental, something others are willing to kill for, yet they’re not allowed to have it.)

At first, Scar tucks it behind his ear, because he has no other way to keep it on him and have it safe and on display (something they can afford for now, in the privacy of their little cave). He checks with Grian, to make sure if that’s okay, and… Honestly, it’s complicated. 

Tucking a small snippet of our mini-rp about this below the cut <3 (but if you’re interested only in what happens to Scar’s ear after, feel free to skip that!)

RP snippet:

Scar

"Is this okay?" he asks, a tad timid with a big, bashful smile. "I mean like, am I supposed to wear it?" 

It's a loaded question, he knows. Not only is it a public display of their relationship, but it's a public display of a bright violet feather, and Scar knows how troubling that can be for Grian to show off, so he can only imagine the complicated nature of having his own portion of that for show. (He thinks of the hunters and their bejeweled weapons, feathers tied to them in boast. It makes his fingers twitch slightly, aching for his claws.)

(Mournfully, he finds himself wishing this was Hermitcraft (a thought he tries to avoid), and he could wear it proudly to show off to his friends. That Grian is his and he is Grian's.)

-

Grian

Grian waits until Scar pulls away, content to stay pressed close to him. But then Scar presents a question, and Grian's face burns, eyes flicking up to bask in the sight of the feather behind Scar's ear. "I— I um—" he stammers. He likes having it on display, and all the implications of it. It makes something in his chest purr with happy warmth. But— Is Scar supposed to wear it? Grian's never done anything like this before. He actually doesn't know.

His fingers reach, but he doesn't touch the tucked feather. Instead, his fingertips brush Scar's earlobe, and he wonders how wonderful it would feel to see Scar proudly wear the feather as an earring.

But then the reality crashes in. Grian's fingers tremble and pull away, and he swallows thickly. His eyes are big and vulnerable, with a touch of deep-rooted fear, when they find Scar's again. "I—" he stammers again, in a completely different pitch this time.

His wings slide off of Scar's back, reclaiming their spot behind Grian, making themselves smaller. (And yet. And yet they're still not as tightly pressed to his spine as they used to be.) 

He thinks of a bright spot of violet, permanently tied to Scar, on display. In a world where that particular brilliant shade is as good as a death sentence.

"I don't know," he finishes in an unsteady half whisper, heart hammering painfully in his chest.

-

Scar

Scar's ear flicks when touched, but the feather remains tucked where it is; he even twitches upward to make sure of it. He watches Grian fumble with his words and how his wings retreat, nervous and almost ashamed of their gorgeous hue. Scar finds that he really does not like that.

He meets Grian's eyes, steady even as his own are still red from shed tears. "Do you want me to?" Then, softer, serious. "I want to." His eyes flick downward, pondering his next words carefully before seemingly resolving to something. He looks back up and adds, unwavering. "Maybe dangerous, but... feels good. Feels… right."

-

Grian

Grian doesn't even have to consider Scar's question; he knows the answer instantly. Yes. Yes, he does want that, but—

He can't. He can't say that. He can't bear the implications, the possibilities. He can't stand the thought of making scar any more of a target than he already is.

He feels his eyes water as his heart is locked in this hopeless fight. Scar tells him he wants to do it, and that it feels right, and damn, Grian knows it feels right—it feels so, so horribly right for Scar to wear the feather on proud display.

And still. Grian's eyes close, sending tears tumbling down. His head dips as he shakes it no, suddenly so very afraid.

He doesn't want Scar to get hurt because of him. Because of this. Because of a silly, sentimental foolishness.

-

Scar

Scar pauses, heart aching at the display of complicated emotions that shower over Grian's face, shifting and moving until he lands on something all too close to despair and dips his head low.

Scar chews his lip, also dismayed by the reality they live in, before pulling his little avian in close again, pressing him to his chest where he can cry. 

"Maybe... just for now," he whispers, secure in their current privacy. "And we'll figure it out?"

--------

Eventually, after many talks and reassurances and sinking, fearful feelings, Scar ends up fashioning the feather into an earring. He already has one ear pierced, and easily uses that to have the feather on him. 

It’s a security risk, in a way. But Scar needs it, needs to be able to proudly proclaim that they belong to each other. That whoever might want Grian’s feathers would have to go through him first.

And they do. Go through him first.

There’s an incident where a hunter gets grasp of the feather and yanks it. (They want that feather <3) It takes the whole earring with it, sending a spike of pain through Scar.

There’s a lot of blood.

Scar doesn’t care.

All he cares about is the fact that this hunter now has Grian’s feather in his grasp, and he’s not meant to have that, he can’t, it doesn’t belong to him.

(He once promised Grian that nobody can have his wings, and that extends to this feather, too. To any part of Grian, really.) (And yet Grian gave himself over to Scar so fully, so willingly.)

And... yep. Scar goes a little feral. As a treat.

He takes that hunter down.

In the aftermath of it, he clutches the bloodied earring close to his chest, needing to feel it, to shield it, to make sure it’s his, nobody else has it, just him. He is determined to fiercely protect it, because of everything it means. And because Grian gave it to him.

Speaking of, Grian’s inconsolable. He’s very, very upset; this just adds to his fears that he’s only ever going to get Scar hurt. That nothing good comes from his feathers. That they’re just an omen bringing blood and death. (Something that’ll be reinforced later, too <3) 

He doesn’t want Scar to be in that firing line. He doesn’t want Scar to get any more hurt because of him. Not for a single feather. (Even if that single feather means everything.)

All he thinks about is that he was right— His feather did lead to Scar getting hurt. And it’s awful, and he feels sick, and guilty, and so very hopelessly, fearfully sad.

But Scar isn’t deterred. He doesn’t care; he’d willingly fight the whole world for this. (For Grian.) He stubbornly pierces his other ear, and it bleeds too, but it doesn’t matter. He puts the earring right back in. (Yep, this is how the earring swapped sides—)

Of course they talk about it. And it’s a mess. It’s even more complicated than before.

Scar ends up saying, “Grian, if it really makes you uncomfortable I’ll— I’ll keep it hidden, but if it’s only for my sake, then no. Please let me wear it.”

And… Well, Grian has no idea how to feel. 

He doesn’t want to put Scar in danger. But also, seeing that feather? Seeing Scar wear it? It reinstates everything they are to each other, every whispered, sobbed-out promise, every comforting touch and press of lips, every small, hard-fought laughter. 

Scar wearing the feather both soothes Grian immeasurably, and makes him sick to his stomach with dread.

But ultimately, he leaves the choice in Scar’s hands.

And Scar decides to wear it. (He’ll take down anyone who tries to touch it <3)

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

Oh no I am an anxious wreck once again. What now?

Here are a few tipps and tricks that help me personally to deal with anxiety (plus some I know work for others). Please feel free to add your own coping mechanisms in the notes!!!! Even though I technically know means to calm myself down, I always forget everything when I'm in the thick of it, so while this is mainly a reminder for myself I hope this list can help at least one other person as well :)

First of all: emotions are hard, and they are overwhelming, and shaming yourself will not make it better. Chances are it will make everything worse, actually. So don't you dare feel bad for needing help even with the "easy" stuff, or for not being able to endure as much as your peers, or even for half-assing stuff sometimes. It's fine. Like, for real. I promise it's okay. You don't need to always be at your best. You don't even need to be at your best most of the time.

What helps me personally is imagining that these struggles are affecting another person close to me. If my best friend were to call me because she needs help answering an E-Mail, or even to cancel last minute because she feels too overwhelmed to leave her house right now, I would never make her feel like crap because of it or talk about her behind her back or anything else your brain may be trying to convince you of. I know that she is at least as good a person as me (probably better tbh), so if I wouldn't do any of that, she certainly would never. In fact, believing these thoughts is actually a disservice to her, who did nothing to deserve these mean remarks (quite the opposite actually). Basically, try to twist and out-logic your own brain into being less of a cunt to you. Try guilt-tripping yourself into being kinder. The bad emotions are there anyways, might as well use them to your advantage. I can speak from experience that being anxious is a bit less unbearable if you aren't being a self-obsessed asshole on top of everything else

JUST FUCKING DO IT

If the source of your anxiety isn't a particular task you have been procrastinating on, or is something you can't just do whenever (f. ex. a job interview that's two days away), feel free to skip this part ^^

If you are still here: I know it can feel like actual hell to just do the thing. If you immediately want to click away after seeing this title I don't blame you. I mean, I am currently writing a huge ass post about anxiety instead of answering the two (2) E-Mails literally making my hands tremble. But the truth is, doing the thing is actually never as bad as it seems. Here's some stuff that maybe can help:

-> Remember that it's never been the end of the world before, so surely it won't start being it now. If you've already been through a similar situation: remember that it isn't the first time you've felt this way; remember that doing the thing wasn't as bad as you'd feared and, most importantly; remember how you felt after doing it. If this is the first time you feel like that, I'm sorry. I promise you aren't stupid for "overreacting", and I promise it will feel at least a little bit better if you just get it over with. And when you've managed the first time, you can now use that as an example instead of taking some stranger on the internet on his word. Worst comes to worst, you can still anon hate me (jk please don't)

-> Rewarding yourself. Remember that putting yourself down tends to make things worse. Allow yourself to be proud for your achievements, yes even the small ones that most people barely even think about. Because sometimes shit is just hard, but you still did it, and that's fucking awesome !!! For me personally just the knowledge that my anxiety will lessen (and I will probably get some good sleep - emotions are so fucking exhausting) is enough most of the time, but you can also give yourself a little treat afterwards. You've earned it!

-> Hide it in between chill tasks. Like right now, I'm writing this instead of my fucking E-Mail. I am a bit calmer since this is distracting myself from the daunting task of typing a few words. So I am now going to open my mails on another tab, type this shit, and send it. And I know that when I did that I will feel better about myself. And even if I fuck up somehow (how you ask? i don't fucking know), I will immediately have this task to come back to so I don't have the chance to overthink it. I FUCKING DID IT I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

-> If you have a bunch of stuff you swore yourself you would do (a bunch can also mean like 2 btw) starting can seem even more daunting (even if it is, as aforementioned, "only" two). So I am very happy to present written lists my absolute beloved. In my experience, stuff is a lot less overwhelming if it isn't only living inside your head. You get a feeling of accomplishment when you can cross something off your list. You don't have to keep panicking about forgetting something (since everything is already written down on your list.) You can even break down bigger tasks into smaller more manegeable ones (f. ex. instead of "clean your room" -> "1. do your bed; 2. fold your clothes; 3. etc etc".) It's great because even if you don't manage the entire big task you still feel less like a failure since you've got proof of all the small accomplishments you did manage. Plus it's easier to continue on another day since you know exactly what you have to do and have proof of everything you already managed as a motivator.

-> Accept help. Be on the phone with a friend while doing the thing (if possible, of course). Ask your friends to be your hypeman before and after doing the thing. Get reassurance from other people. Go to your friend's house to ask them to read your E-Mails, summarize them verbally, and then type an appropriate answer for you (can you already tell me and electronic mail aren't in the best of terms?) Making things harder on yourself on purpose isn't being strong it's being stupid

-> already mentioned it a bunch of times, I know, but the thing that really helps for me is comparing with past experiences. I know I will feel better after I do it because that's always what happens when my brain blows things out of proportion. I know I can do this because I did even scarier stuff and it went well. Or even: if I manage to do this seemingly super scary thing, I will be able to use it as a motivator for smaller stuff in the future. I mean, what even is a fucking E-Mail in comparison to going to a social event on your own ??! (seriously, do it. in my experience it's surprisingly easy to find friends if you look pathetic enough, plus a lot of things seem a bit less paralyzing in comparison)

-> I turn it into a competition, or a game. If I do the thing I win. If I don't do the thing the anxiety wins. And I refuse to let that happen because I'm competitive AND a sore loser <3 so I do the thing. and then I feel a bit better

JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. THINKING IS THE ANTITHESIS OF DOING. (which you can also use to your advantage, à la better to think about that unhealthy coping mechanism and why you shouldn't do it than to stop thinking about it and actually doing it instead. But that isn't the point right now)

DISTRACTIONS

Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do. Sometimes all you can do is wait. Sometimes you don't even know why the fuck you're feeling like that. And that fucking sucks.

I know there are some people who need an absence of stimuli in order to calm down. (If that's you, please leave some of your own pointers in the notes! I don't really have any ideas for that one tbh)

For me, the opposite is the case. I can't count the times my mom has told me to "try meditating!" or "don't do more than one thing at the same time it'll only stress you out even more!", unaware that giving my thoughts free reign would make everything so much worse.

I need to overwhelm myself in order to be able to forget about my anxiety for a while. Sometimes doing a task I've been dreading is easier after distracting myself for a few hours (being anxious is very tiring so if you let it run its course in the back of your mind for a while you'll have less energy for it later ^^). Here's some stuff that could help (though it should be noted that a) not everything will work on everyone and b) sometimes it just doesn't work. even if it worked the last five times. Don't ask me why it is what it is):

-> Do something (really anything) while listening to a video essay/podcast/audiobook. That's my go-to classic. Feel your mind slipping away from whatever you're doing? Force yourself to really listen to what is being said. Sometimes it helps to mouth the words along to my audio of choice (while still doing your thing at the same time!!) Speed it up (I've usually got my stuff at 1.75x or 2x). Assume that pretty much everything listed below can be done while having this as a second layer of distraction

-> Learn something new. I was literally just teaching myself the tabs for Every Breath You Take by The Police and 26 by Paramore on the guitar before starting this. I tried learning finnish and irish for a while there (learning vocabulary, trying to translate sth, learning grammar, etc.). Sometimes it can take a bit of time to get into it, but once you're there it's easy to lose yourself in it (in my experience at least.) And you can always start another video essay in the background!

-> Baking. I usually do half or fourth the recipe to a.) waste less ingredients; b.) have less stuff to eat so you can go bake more stuff sooner; and c.) feel less bad if it doesn't turn out how you hoped. Plus you can also make yourself more likeable by giving some to your neighbours ;)

-> Comfort book/series/movie/etc. I'll be honest, this one almost never works for me, but I know that for some people it does so on the list it goes

-> Take a walk. Touch some grass. Go outside. Personally have very mixed feelings towards this one. Used to do it all the time during lockdown (walking nowhere for literal hours while listening to music), but when it doesn't help it makes things much much worse (in my experience) So maybe be a bit careful? If you want to get away from your thoughts this is...bad. But otherwise (like if you just have the feeling of anxiety without a specific reason) it's worth a try

-> Do maths. I'm serious. For a while there I couldn't sleep, so I'd go on the net, search for equasion exercises, and just go wild. Don't look at the answer: this isn't the point. It's something with a fixed procedure and no consequences if you mess up (you won't even know if you mess up). Maybe instead of equations you find long division more relaxing. Just try not to think of school, put the pressure away, and give it a go.

-> Go to your comfort place. This is also a bit of a tricky one. First of all, not everyone has one of those. Or maybe you can't really go there (like, I always calm down when I'm at the beach. I adore the ocean. But I don't have sea anywhere near me, so sucks to be me i guess). But if you do have a place near you it's worth a try. Sometimes after a particular stressful therapy session i just...go chill at the library for a while. It helps :)

-> Blorbo scrolling. I personally prefer looking at a bunch of art and comics (visual stuff) since i don't really have the concentration to read when I'm anxious, but see what works best for you <3

-> Menial tasks. I love them. Sorting stuff that actually doesn't really matter (like taking all your books from your shelves and trying a new way to organize them). The already mentioned maths exercises. Washing the dishes/putting them back in their place (you can combine that one with the baking hehe). Volunteering work can also be pretty helpful: they often need help with menial tasks plus you can feel good about yourself for helping. Recently started helping at my local animal shelter and it's actually pretty great !

-> Sports. I personally hate sports and always feel worse afterwards, but so many people talk about it that it must be of help to someone out there. What I used to do when I got suddenly overrun by emotions is taking my skipping rope and jumping as fast as I physically could til I felt a bit better (and sweaty ew)

-> Sometimes I like starting a small project; depending on the mood either with no pressure to finish (or intention to show anyone ever because eww), or posting it in hope for praise that'll make me feel a bit better about myself heh. Just something else I can focus on. (ex. g. I've got a meeting I'm nervous about tomorrow so I started writing this huge-ass post) Just remember: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GOOD!! JUST CREATE! I PROMISE BEING CREATIVE AND/OR DOING STUFF IS AWESOME!! (or if nothing else at least frustrating enough to overshadow the anxiety lol)

-> In the wise words of mother mother: Dance and cry, and cry and dance and cry. (And sing. And scream. Or get out that skipping rope. Just let it out my dude.)

-> Watch a show in a foreign language faster (like 2x speed) and with subtitles (less time to read, more required focus, less brain power to panic)

-> immersive reading (audio + text); especially effective if you do it in a language you are currently learning or one that is similar (but not the same!) to your native tongue (f. ex. portuguese and spanish)

-> Try sleeping. Doesn't always work, but at least it wastes time.

I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK

-> Strong sudden stimulant. Like smelling a very strong perfume or taking a freezing shower.

-> Just. Let it wash over you. It sucks, yes, but it'll be over. Try keeping calm. I know, easy to say when you yourself aren't currently going through it, but anxiety about a future attack will not, in fact, make things less worse. Once again, remembering past attacks can help as well? It didn't kill you then, it won't kill you now. (My therapist suggested using a mental image, like huge waves or something. I personally don't do that but maybe it'll help)

-> Cover your ears and listen to your heart. Key point: this is NOT aiming to drown out noise, but to ground yourself by listening to your own body (bloodstream and creaking bones etc) (ty anon <3)

-> I'm not sure whether this'll work with panic attacks as well (according to google one of the key differences is that these don't really have a trigger and just....happen) and it probably won't be viable in every situation. But just. Be enough of a spiteful little shit to turn your breakdown into a powermove. (The distressing emotions are there anyways might as well make use of them). You told your teacher you get extreme anxiety when you have to speak in public and they ignored you because the school system actually hates kids? Look them right in the eyes as you start hysterically sobbing so they feel really bad, maybe be extra subdued the next few lessons. As far as you know it'll get you a few pity points that'll make a difference in your overall grade! (Pretty sure I got a better grade in my arts finals than i deserved) Someone knowingly breaks a boundary you set because "oh you've been doing so well" and "it's an irrational fear so it isn't real anyways" or whatever they tell themselves to justify it? This is your chance to make them really see how what they did is wrong (and hopefully will make them think twice before pulling shit like that again). If you warned them, they are literally asking for it. And it'll seem that much more impressive when you are having a good day for once and manage to get through it without one (you've earned that extra credit). Maybe I'm just a bit of a vindictive person, but reframing the narrative like that in my head gives me some semblance of control, which makes it all a bit less scary.

IT DIDN'T FIT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT IS STILL IMPORTAT

This is mostly me reminding myself that it's fine tbh. Because it is.

-> Remember that you can just do shit. I don't know how else to say this, but sometimes my anxiety makes it feel like hiding away in my room is my only option. But that's not true! There is so much stuff you can do, I'm always in awe for a while when I get this through my thick skull once again. Like, you can just go to places. You can just write to your friends. You can just start a chat with that cool mutual you're too nervous to directly interact with. You can move. You can change jobs. You can redecorate your house. You can get into a random train and only get out at the last station, wherever that may be. YOU CAN JUST DO SHIT?!?!?! ISN'T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?!!!!!!!!

-> Extreme emotions can have unpleasant physical side effects. Sweating. Body odor. No appetite and/or extreme hunger cravings (sometimes at the same time??). Diarrhea. It sucks (especially when it continues on for multiple days and your oh so kind peers make sure to constantly remind you of those physical symptoms you are already overly aware of). But it's normal and it's fine. It doesn't make you gross, I promise.

-> THIS TOO SHALL PASS (that's it. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself. This too shall pass.)

-> Sometimes I just do small harmless shit to prove my anxious lizard brain wrong. Randomly say hi on that group chat you haven't entered for months. Create something you aren't really happy with and post it anyways, just cuz you can. Go do something on your own. The more you prove your fears wrong with little things like that, the easier it gets (especially if you have to do bigger scary stuff). Spite can be your best friend. (Plus easy way to gain more points in my mental competition hehehe)

-> Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will fuck up. You will barely be able to say a word in the social event you forced yourself to go in order to meet cool people. You will be so obviously anxious at your friend's birthday that she will still remember that over a year later (despite your best efforts to hide it at the time). You will get an anxiety attack because of something you thought you had already gotten over months ago. And it sucks, but more importantly, it's fine. This too shall pass. This is another reason why the previous point is so important: it's harder to hold these incidents over your head if you have so many other experiences where you managed to prove yourself.

-> YOU get to decide when you want to try confronting a fear. Nobody else can do that for you, no matter how often they mention "exposure therapy" and shit (it's about the control once again. in my experience it's important for it to be your choice). Occasionally hiding away doesn't make you a failure. There are always more chances, it's never too late to start. Already mentioned it a bazillion times, but this shit is exhausting and you are well within your right to stay in your comfort zone and rest.

-> I don't know if it's just a me thing but self reminder to avoid lactose and gluten when overly anxious. (i never do but i am aware of it that should count for something)

-> gender-affirming stuff can help ^^

-> Not viable to everybody, but sometimes I just delete all social media from my phone. You can still go there through browser of course (that's where I'm actually currently writing this) but just not having the icon on the phone can already feel somewhat of a relief (social media in this case also including messaging apps like discord or WhatsApp or fucking electronic mail my beloathed). That's actually what I am planning to do immediately after posting this thing that came out a bit more personal and stream-of-conscousness than initially planned. You won't even be able to tell cuz I never tag my queues hehehe

-> mentally dunking my stupid anxious lizard brain into salt water rn. Fuck you. I'm posting this. I'm leaving my house tomorrow instead of calling in sick. I'm winning.

[kokichi-oumagines]

hello!!! i am akihiro but please call me aki or hiro!! whatever you like!! your blog is really pretty so i shall stay!! could i please request some f l u f f y cuddling hcs with a smaller reader? tysm boo!! -aki 💜

Oh noooo~ My hand slipped and now I accidentally didn't make an actual writing post in almost two years~ Silly me! Guess I'll just post this and be on my way... (I have also realised I am not good at writing headcanons because they are too short and have no plot so have a scenario I accidentally wrote instead)

Thank you for the request!

- Mod Ouma

- Whether it's platonic or not, the first time you ask to cuddle is bound to be a little bit awkward- considering how Kokichi isn't very used to physical affection. Not only that, it's also a bit scary for the both of you

- Although you're smaller, you have to be the bigger person, and take the leap of faith yourself with this one. Unfortunately, Kokichi isn't really the type to act when he is unsure of himself and, when it comes to cozy affections and you in particular, well... let's just say he doesn't exactly trust himself to make the right moves- if any at all

- Is he scared? Of you? Of trusting you to be in such close proximity to him? Of you trusting him when he can barely trust himself? Of bugs? Pfft- what- uh... no? Maybe? He pleads the fifth? Actually, maybe the last one...

- When you finally ask, he is less shocked, more so confused. Rather, he thinks you're confused: why would you want to cuddle with him? Where are the cameras? Were you bribed? Blackmailed? Did Maki threaten you to do this? To tempt him with simple, comforting affection, then to pull back last minute?

- ... From the genuine look on your face, he doesn't think so. He supposes he trusts you enough to cuddle with him. You smile when he agrees, though he can still see some left-over anxiety on your face from this new situation

- The first time -the first few, in fact- he sits there, completely still, frozen, not moving, some other fourth thing that basically means stops functioning completely, as you carefully wrap your arms around him. You see, he's a little overwhelmed but won't admit it. You're pretty sure you broke him, and would move away to check on him if it wasn't for the light grip he has on your arm that revealed his real response

- You attempt to reassure him that he can cuddle back, that you weren't going to bite, but he breaks from his frozen state specifically to comment on how weird of a phrase 'I won't bite' is, and that he knows you won't, he just doesn't feel like it. It hurt you a little, but you know it's new to him and that he'll do so when he's ready

- Eventually, Kokichi realises that he can't keep not reciprocating forever, so he makes an attempt at cuddling you back... which ends with just a very awkward pat from him. He's improving! You notice, but don't comment, just giving him a smug little smile that knows you're winning him over, which he then gives back to you

- After what feels like a lifetime, and with him hyping himself up mentally for this moment, Kokichi is able to finally cuddle you back! Yay! Until he can feel himself start to get a little too comfortable in your arms, and immediately moves away, shoving you a little. No! After making him apologise for shoving you, you calm yourself and request an honest explanation as to why he is so reluctant to cuddle you, and if you should just stop

- ...Where he proceeds to immediately lie and say that yes, totally, absolutely, you should stop because you're not cool enough to cuddle him and- and-

- That's when you realise how much this is effecting him. So you calm him, putting a little bit of distance between the two of you, and ask once again if he wants to cuddle with you. He hesitates, exaggerating a little so you can't see the sincerity in his thought, and with an extended wellllll, he admits he's fine with it. He was just lying about you not being cool enough! Obviously!

- Then the two of you just sit there. Silent. Waiting for something you’re uncertain will happen, something Kokichi hasn't figured out yet. Until it occurs to him. Oh!

- ...

- Oh-

- Another hesitation. The silence continues. A hand outstretches a slither of an amount, then curling back into himself. Patiently, you wait, not making the first move. Kokichi takes a small breath in: maybe he is scared. Just a little bit. He stares at his hands, then at you. Slowly, and cautiously, he engulfs you in his arms and allows himself to relax- to trust you and himself

- Kokichi lets himself be comfortable with you

[hot-take-tournament]

hi, I'm the original Barbie movie hot take submitter. now that the poll's over and with about 80 people agreeing with me in total (which is honestly way more than i was expecting...) i guess... yeah i should probably address some of these comments, because i don't know which are in good faith and which aren't, but like i said at the beginning of my justification, it's something that's really important to me on a personal level and i saw at least a few people expressing sympathy or wanting to understand better where i was coming from. (again I'm autistic and i can't be sure it wasn't just sarcastic remarks, but it looked like at least a few people were willing to listen.)

this sentence here is your warning that I'm going to continue to talk about my experience. if you hated my take and/or were disturbed by it and would be upset to empathize with my point of view any further, this is your reminder to just stop reading here.

...

so first of all, i did hold myself back, writing that submission. i mentioned upfront that i kept it short, but i guess it only looks shortened if you know how much i have to say about it. i didn't even know if it would make it in so i did gloss over a couple things that may have led to misinterpretation (though a lot of those notes felt like a "how dare you say we piss on the poor" sort of moment (reference to a response on a different post, which accused Tumblr users of having "piss-poor reading comprehension")).

....anyway, this is a more comprehensive and thorough version of my viewpoint. it is long.

the first thing i would like to address is that i noticed a lot of people saying i was pulling it out of nowhere and "projecting (derogatory??)". and.... like.... yes. i know that. i basically said so explicitly when i said "I disliked this movie for heavily personal reasons". that's the point of submitting it to a hot takes blog; this is something that i think most people will disagree with me on, because it's nowhere near the "objective" interpretation of the movie, but it's something that a select few might resonate very strongly with. this movie didn't actually say any of the things that I said it did, on an explicit level. but there were undertones of it the whole way through that triggered multiple breakdowns since its release, because of my particular media sensitivities that i didn't know would be in this movie. you can think of it like I'm accusing this movie of having "traces of peanuts" rather than being a peanut dish. if I'm allergic to peanuts it still sucks, and is unsafe for people with my triggers. (still my fault for going to see the movie, it's not like it's immoral for it to have triggering topics in it. I just regret it and am bitter that everyone seems to unanimously agree that it has no problems, that's all.) I also see that a lot of people were not bothered by these same things that I was, and I respect that. And I'm glad that people were able to enjoy it— my intention was mostly "it seems like no one hated this movie but me. did anyone else share this interpretation?".

...honestly, the movie itself, on an objective level, wasn't actually too horrible. it was kind of sad and depressing, but i would've left it feeling kind of mediocre if it weren't for its online boom. everyone seems to be praising this movie for being incredible and groundbreaking and progressive, but like this other anon said (https://www.tumblr.com/hot-take-tournament/724649240320671744/while-everyone-is-already-arguing-over-the-barbie?source=share), it really... just feels like politically regressing, to me. speaking as someone who is various flavors of non-binary (multigender), and who is transgender and intersex, i am extremely passionate about gender rights. and this movie felt the same as really old radfem ideals of feminism that boiled down to "what if we kept the gender essentialism but we made it so (cis) women were good and sacred (but still perceived as weak, helpless, useless, etc.)". I saw many similar sentiments in the notes of the original poll that I agreed with, saying the movie barely was feminist if at all. I especially agreed with someone (don't remember who) who mentioned that it was kind of misogynistic and backwards for all the women to get brainwashed instantly the moment someone suggests a patriarchy. this movie really said "women are just helpless little children that deserve the world, and the men need to carefully watch what they do and be kept in check, because if they get too confident they're naturally inclined to establish dictatorships and be cruel and evil to the women! and of course the women would roll over and accept it if that happened because they're just helpless little lambs that can't think for themselves" like how is that feminist? i thought everyone was on the same page here that women are people. like people with agency that can do things. and the movie just felt extremely.... belittling of women's actual capability to do things, and demonizing of men's emotions. like i thought these were points that we've already been through, societally. but no. "best feminist movie", "so progressive", "groundbreaking".... like... what?? it's groundbreaking because... there was a patriarchy and no one's ever done that before??? like what is this, the feminism version of "Disney's first gay character"??? is it progressive because Barbie had One Conversation with an old lady who was (sarcastic gasp) happy??? (Admittedly that scene was pretty sweet, I'm not actually upset about that one. but like why is that the highlight i keep seeing everyone come away with. like is it groundbreaking for one (1) old person to be happy?? i would've preferred if there were like. you know. just reasonable casual representation for diverse bodies (but that's ok I wasn't expecting something like that from a mainstream movie anyway.))

...and since a lot of people were upset that I didn't address Barbie herself: yeah, ok, I think the existential crisis stuff was pretty neat, I think she genuinely did a decent amount of growing over the course of the movie, I think her character arc wasn't too bad if you look at it from her point of view. but i think, like ken, she needs to be held accountable for the things she did BEFORE that character growth. a lot of people in the notes mentioned her "forgiveness" at the end, and... yeah, I guess I will admit that's "groundbreaking" for a movie this mainstream, but that is not a compliment. it felt so hollow to me, and again that's just "projection" because when I say "it felt hollow", I mean that it sounds exactly like things I was told by toxic friends as a kid. but I think a certain amount of projection is necessary to empathize with a movie, at least the way I watch them. I don't think that relating stories to your own experience is a bad thing.

.... right, back to barbie's whole thing with "forgiveness". to forgive someone is to put yourself in a social position "above" their own. it's unequal by nature— it creates a social unbalance where one party "forgives" (gracious, generous, implied power of judgement over the other) and the other party "has sinned" (in the wrong, by default should be punished, deserves to suffer unless they properly repent). this sort of punitive structure was used against me and some people close to me and so I have extremely personal triggers around disingenuous apologies and forgiveness. (no, I'm not saying that forgiving people is evil, and I'm not saying that Ken did nothing wrong. this is about Barbie now.)

i don't think Barbie should have forgiven Ken. and i don't think Ken should have forgiven Barbie, either (though he was never given the option, because that would be admitting that she treated him like garbage). i think if Barbie was going to "forgive" Ken, if she really wanted to have a real platonic relationship with Ken at the end of the movie, she should have first acknowledged that she had never been a good friend to him, that he was never treated well on a base human relationship level. and i think she should have apologized for it. a real apology where she empathizes and understands how she hurt him and tries to do better, and acknowledges that she was just as lost as he was. and then lets him forgive her, too. but instead she just cuts straight to her own "forgiveness", skipping past any potential accusations of her own treatment of him, to assert her own dominance and center his own wrongdoings. I think they should have either BOTH admitted they didn't know what they were doing and were shitty to each other, or they should have both gone their separate ways bitterly and with their self confidence intact.

like I've seen some people saying, both on my dash and in the notes of this post, this is a tragic movie about two sad lost people trying to figure out how to break social conventions for the first time, trying to understand how to be more than just a Doll with a Role. and naturally, a movie like that has both of them acting shitty to each other within those roles; Barbie from the start of the movie, because she doesn't WANT a relationship with Ken and she seems to hold this against him, and Ken throughout the movie as he tries to understand why he never seems to be enough. Barbie repeatedly condescends upon and belittles him and is constantly aggravated with him and makes him feel small and burdensome and whiny and exaggerative. she makes fun of his fun names and treats him like a stupid and annoying child. and while some of you in the notes are out here laughing and saying "welcome to the real world for women", "that's just misogyny"— and?? is the moral here that misogyny is funny when it happens to men?? because it does happen to men. i know closeted trans men that are subjected to it every day and it just. seems so low to say "misogyny is good" ever. no matter what the end of that sentence is. to imply that some people can deserve misogyny and mistreatment "if they're men" or "if they're annoying" or "if they're clingy" like... this is part of why i submitted this take. i thought we were socially on the page that misogyny is wrong and sucks. and just because this worldbuilding sets it up so that only Kens experience misogyny doesn't make it suddenly just? either it's a human right to be treated with dignity, or you are supporting misogyny. there's no way to say "but it's funny if i can be vindictive about it" without accidentally validating that defense.

...I went on a tangent again. but what I mean is that Barbie herself was an ASSHOLE to Ken. she didn't want him around but felt obligated to support him, and the solution to that should be to make it so he can support himself. but instead she just feels burdened by him and takes it out on him by belittling his suffering and treating him like his every complaint and need were meaningless or annoying. should it have been her obligation to deal with all of his needs? fuck no! but to act like she could, and wanted to, like she was his friend, when she really just wanted to be free of him... that sucks. and it actively kept him shackled to her. and like, she didn't know better, but neither did Ken. they were both lost souls hurting one another by participating in the only thing they knew: an abusive power structure. the only thing Ken did wrong was.... also wanting to participate in that power structure from the "wrong end". it wasn't okay when Ken did it, but it's notable that Barbie did it first. and that they BOTH needed to apologize for treating each other like shit. and they BOTH needed to empathize with and forgive each other, knowing that they're in a better place now and that neither of them knew what they wanted before. they BOTH fucked up and they BOTH suffered for it. if both, or neither, of them had forgiven each other, then this would've just been an interesting and pretty sad movie with at least some resolution.

.... but INSTEAD what happened was that only Ken was shamed and felt like shit, because he crossed the line that Barbie was supposed to have total dominion over. and Barbie was never held accountable for her treatment of Ken, even though it came from the same misguided and hurtful place that Ken's actions did. I'm not claiming that what Ken did was good, or that he's a pathetic little meow meow and everyone hates him for no reason. but Barbie repeatedly condescends and bullies him at the start of the movie to take out her frustration with her situation, and while it's understandable why she's frustrated, that's not okay to do to him, just as much as it wasn't okay for Ken to "turn the tables" on her so to speak. this is kind of an eye for an eye situation. he only did to her what he had already been experiencing himself. and then for her to be the only one to "forgive", implies that it was okay to do to him, and therefore that it's only wrong if he does it.

misogyny is not okay just because you put it in a specific setting or applied it to specific people. and the same thing for pretending to be friends with someone you hate and then bullying them???. it's not "funny" when a woman attacks a man, and if you think it is, that's rooted in misogyny itself. because why else would you not see women as "real" threats or abusers? abuse could only possibly be twisted around into something funny if you think it can't cause real harm, and that's steeped in the sentiments that women are useless, powerless, and helpless, and that men are inherently powerful and able to control their situation. im sick of it. i feel like this movie genuinely pushed back gender equality by like 20 years. not everything is Men Versus Women and if you're centering the gender binary that much like it fucking means that much, you're erasing non-binary people too?? I'm just. I'm just sick of it, I'm sick of gender essentialism and stereotypes and hollow friendships. sighs. ok sorry this paragraph was just a vent.

anyway. this movie would not have impacted me this negatively if it weren't for the way I hear people talking about it. as if it's amazing and the next step in gender rights even though it basically devolved the understanding of gender back into "maybe............. do you think girls could do things? without dating a man..? or is that a little silly.... no wow!! actually yes! women can sometimes... not date!!". (making a spectacle out of obtaining basic relationship agency???) ...and this is mostly, again, just my own triggers, which over the course of this poll I am realizing are real triggers for me, but... yeah. reminds me of my tirf friend group that shamed anyone who was too forward or too masculine. that would nitpick at people's social mistakes to keep them in check and on their toes.

tldr; I'm so fucking tired of gender essentialism and I went to see this movie thinking it was progressive hot shit just to discover it was Social Shaming But It's Funny Because We're Subjecting Men To It This Time. not very funny when I know so many transmascs who are punished for being women when they aren't. and Ken fucked up, but Barbie fucked up too. neither of them were good for each other and they were hurting each other the whole time, but Barbie never owned up to it and then on top of that "forgave" Ken in a way that was just personally triggering for me. (Not evil, not necessarily malicious. but upsetting for me on a personal level because of my sensitivities).

anyway. thanks for reading if you did. I'm probably not gonna check the notes on this one but just know that it does mean a lot, the few people who did agree with me. I wasn't even expecting 80 people, maybe more like 20. I was fully expecting to get 98% ratioed, considering how positively everyone talks about this movie.

(i hope you have a great day too, mod! my apologies for how long and impassioned this got. I hope this take was entertaining for you at least??)

.

[tiny012]

The idea of a character who comes off as harsh but deep down cares more than anyone, or a friend who is a bit hard on you but because she loves you, is extremely common worldwide, but Japan even has the tsundere archetype and such.

The idea with Rei and Usagi is that Rei loves her and wants her to succeed so she pushes her. It's very very obvious in the moments where it matters that Usagi is Rei's best friend, and their friendship in the 90s anime is actually extremely well-done.

In that screenshot at the end someone says their relationship develops into 'sisterhood' and you make fun of it but idk if you have siblings... 'sisters' is very apt. They push each other's buttons but they know each other inside and out and that makes them closer. Even though they bicker it's a relationship founded on deep trust, understanding, and affection.

I don't dislike your blog overall and some of your criticisms of the 90s anime are very valid but I think you're wrong on this one. In S1 their relationship does develop a lot from just fighting bc they don't like each other to growing attached, Rei comes to be very fond of Usagi. In later seasons this foundation has already been laid so while Rei does continue to be mean to Usagi it very much is with the understanding that she loves her very dearly. The Rei-Usagi relationship is one of the things the 90s anime did extremely well.

Let me say this

Last night when I did that post, it actually come spur of the moment since I was in Sailor Moon Stars looking for a particular scene for a friend of mine so we could discuss. I was watching some of the episodes of Stars when this scene

Popped up

So I was like " Hold up They supposed to get character development but she is still calling her a crybaby. She is still saying the same thing they she had said to her since the beginning. If they supposed to be evolving and developing then that should be something she should stop calling her because she knows how upset and irritated she gets but she still does it. And for what? to get under her skin. We had 170 plus episodes where they went through at lot of shit together, died for each other and still calls her a crybaby? Even tho she knows Usagi wear her heart on a selve? "

So that's why I decide to do that photoset which I wasn't even looking to do because I was looking for something else dealing with Stars. From the beginning of the series which yes they don't like each other and she's calling her a crybaby to the end of the series which she is still calling her a crybaby.

It didn't take me that long to find all of those scenes that she say nasty things to her. I know they have moments where they show them being nice which one in particular is when Chibiusa is black lady and she is comforting her.

Which is a really good scene.

Also my fave scenes in season one when they talk about Mamo and she tells her to be happy with him.

Also in a scene in Stars when she trying to stop her from going after Mamo by herself and fails. Of course in Season one finale when she is the last one standing to fight a DD girl and the things she say to Usagi is heartfelt.

I know about those scenes but they are too many scenes like the scenes I showed in that photoset. To the point that it's easier to find scenes that Rei saying some nasty shit to Usagi and it's harder to find scenes where they have nice moments. Which that shouldn't be the case at all. It shouldn't took me like 10-20 minutes to find a lot scenes that she just saying some mean shit to her. Which it literary took me 45 mins to put that photoset together. I started put it together at 11:29 pm and I posted it at 12:25 am. I was going to put some more pics in that photoset but I exceeded the limit of 30 pics. So minus the screenshot that was from a FB group and Rihanna gif that was 28 pics of Rei saying mean things to Usagi.

That 28 pics WAY to many.

The main reason why I stopped watching S besides Luna calling her an idiot because every single time Usagi opens her mouth her comes Rei saying something mean. To the point I am saying over and over again " Why are you like this?" While sometimes Usagi go toe to toe with her , most of time it's not even necessary for even do that to Usagi. Most of times Rei may something to someone else and Usagi maybe backing her up.

Like the scenes with Mako in S

Like why she had to do that? Was that necessary at that moment? No Especially when it was backing Rei up about telling them things that Mako is worried about.

Like why she have to be like this?

Like she always have her " Let's roast Usagi everytime she say something" on and never cuts it off unless the plot permits her to do so.

I am Aries as well so I know we have smartass mouths, are blunt, no nonsense and can be sarcastic but damn I know how to cut that off. I am not trying to pissed people off every single time I open my mouth. I know when to joke around with people and know who not to joke around with.

Also with my set of friends, I was considered the no nonsense but Mom of the group since I was oldest. They knew I don't play that but they knew I love them and push them. I would never say the shit Rei say to Usagi to none of my friends. Every person have a limit of what they take and I wasn't going to cross a line they would fuck up a friendship.

Rei feels like she wake up every day just ready to piss off Usagi with some mean shit because she doesn't like the way Usagi acts.

As for siblings, I do have siblings. I have an older sister and brother which makes me the baby of the family. Yes we do roast each other. We have certain jokes that we say to each other and go back and fort but we have a limit. If we say something out of pocket to each other we going to let each know that this joke hurt and it's below the belt and it will never be said again. I love my brother and sister a lot and I know they love me as well but majority over our realtionship is not us roasting each other to get a damn reaction out the other.

My realtionship with my older sister is one that I have a deep bond with. I love my sister to death and I know someone messes with me see will protect me and I will do the same for her. I know I get on her nerves since I am the baby and she get on mine but at the end of day if both of us are not laughing at the shit we say to each other, that's a big fucking problem. If we said something to other person that offends, we will tell each other, say that shit hurt and apologize which it will never be said again. My sister is really to check me if I say some off the wall shit which an older sister supposed to do. I will check her if she say something that supposed to be a joke but it hurt my feelings. I can come to her if I have a problem and she will push me to do what I need to do. She always have my back and I know she loves me.

So lets ask this.

Do anytime where Rei and Usagi say something to each other, are they laughing at what the other person has said? Do they realize what silly shit they are saying to each other and just fall to ground laughing?

I have seen most of the time that Rei say some shit and Usagi end up crying..

Because to me it's a not roast or ribbing if the person you are roasting are not laughing and not having fun as well.

When I am roasting with either of my siblings, we are going to make sure that all of us are on the ground laughing and having a good time. It's not a good time if the party doing the roasting is having a good time but the person who is receiving the roasting is not.

It more ways to show you love someone them 95% of the time you are roasting shit out of them with some mean shit to get a reaction out because you know you are getting to hit a nerve over and over again.

Rei is always saying something out of pocket and when Usagi say " Hey You are being meanie" she don't apologize she just double down more with something else hurtful.

Like in episode 94 when she want to be more of a wife to Mamo and they was at the concert, Mako apologize, Luna apologize but this what she says

All she had to do was say a simple "I'm sorry" but the writers got her playing " the tsundere" character so well they couldn't let her say a simple apology but she can say this to her which wasn't needed.

So to me no it's not a sisterhood. A sisterhood knows each other bounties and not push them.

A sisterhood knows that if this word hurt their sister they will stop using it and apologize.

Now in the manga, crystal, and most def PGSM it is a sisterhood.

Rei does rib her in PGSM but she knows when to stop and they do have that sisterly bond.

Why you think it's so many fanfics of Rei betraying Usagi?

Fanfics of Usagi leaving the group and going to America because she was tired of Rei, Luna and the other girls treatment of her.

Which majority of the fanfics steam from the 90's portray of their " friendship" since the 90's anime was pretty much the first adaption most SM fans watch.

If they did have a sisterly bond you wouldn't have fanfics like that.

But ok.

You have all the right in the world to disagree with me because that is your opinion and you bought the reason why you feel like that. Your opinion is not wrong because it's your opinion.

In my opinion, the 90's anime didn't do a good job to show Rei and Usagi realtionship and I will stand on my opinion.

[well-dressedwords]

My Picks: Top Dramas of 2023

This is really for me to refer back to when people ask me what to watch. In no particular order or category:

Meet Yourself - having leads that were already well-established in their adult lives and careers was sooo refreshing. And though my heart got utterly torn out in episode one, I was completely invested in seeing Xu Hongdou's journey through grief and back into truly living.

The Blood of Youth - I can't recall why I gave this a chance, but I am extremely glad I did. I possibly watched the whole thing 3 times from forcing friends to sit down with me, and I appreciate the humor and characters even more on re-watches. The only romance I remotely cared about was the tragic one, but that was okay because romance was not the point of the main plot.

The Trust - I had actually watched the animated version of this story, which is maybe the 2nd I watched all the way through, and I loved the live action as well. The lead actors did a good job playing each other, and the humor was a nice relief during a hard time of the year for me.

A Familiar Stranger - I think I finally am okay with short dramas because this one was so well done. I adored their relationship, and even despite how terrible the secondary couple could be, wished for them to have a happy ending (in another life). I considered watching My Journey to You for Cheng Lei alone after this performance, but just couldn't get through it.

The Scent of Time - I know "popular" opinion is that the ending ruins it, but as a writer, I can accept the different possible endings - the novel's version where she gets her peace and someone to be her loyal companion, as well as the dream ending where she will have to work again to make a life for herself with the prince. I will eventually make a post on my thoughts about it. But it made me fall deeper for Zhou Ye and excited to see other dramas with Wang Xingyue...

Story of Kunning Palace - I love Bai Lu. I haven't watched all of her dramas, but there's something about her that I really enjoy in the right story. I liked that Xuening was still flawed and so was Xie Wei, and yet this time all of her harem get (relatively) happy endings. I was also surprised by Liu Xiening's performance as the princess. In some respects she had more chemistry with Xuening than either Zhang Zhe or Xie Wei. Wang Xingyue, did you intentionally do two projects with this premise on purpose?? [Also, those aggressive kisses?!?! Zhang Linghe, I didn't know you had it in you.]

A Journey to Love - I haven't finished it as I only watch a few episodes per day, and I did spoil myself on the ending. I can accept it because there has been so much foreshadowing. I'm here for the mature relationship, the humor, the friendships, the princess (my god, the PRINCESS!) and to be baffled by people disliking Liu Yuning.

Honorable Mentions:

The Starry Love - I need to go back and watch the episodes I fast forwarded through... I was more invested in the older sister's love story initially. Nevertheless, this is one I will rewatch.

The Love You Give Me - not at the very top because the plot feels overused and there were too many plotholes for my writer's brain. But I love their chemistry and Quanquan was worth sticking it out for.

Provoke - After enjoying A Familiar Stranger I had to give this one a shot. There were so many scenes that really captured my imagination. The leads carried their roles so well. It's my first Republican Era show and I suddenly get the appeal. Also, I love Du Jingchuan as a villain. He's so good at being skeevy.

Exploration Method of Love - I struggled through terrible subtitles because I've dreamed about these actors in a drama together. Gao Hanyu grabbed me in Love is Sweet, and Song Yanfei was great in The Trust.

*Butterflied Lover - I've seen one episode because the rest is behind a pay wall... but I am determined to watch it!

*Hilarious Family - at times the humor felt forced, but other times it hit for me. It wasn't compelling enough for me to finish it (yet) though I am curious as to what the ending is going to be.

[shadowstarkanada]

My thoughts on Verner Vogel

...and why he is M! Heh. I know I didn't do it justice because I couldn't come up with a way to do it. And that means it is rattling around in my brain still. Sherlock couldn't figure it out, and I don't think Mycroft had the pieces. All my evidence is circumstantial, but... I'll just have to lay it out as I see it! This is a nice, long, rambling post. Also includes spoilers for CO if you haven't finished it, so go play it! Love it! It's an awesome game, and maybe I am meta'ing to fix the bits I don't like!

Every conclusion Sherlock makes in CO is "right" but it's the old "if everyone's super, no one is." No conclusion Sherlock Holmes makes in this game should be taken as correct. Which means we shouldn't take his solutions or lack thereof as evidence. Verner's just a creep, thinks Sherlock, but we needn't.

Sherlock's.... pretty shit at deductions in CO? Like, he's really trying and all, but there are suspects he doesn't bother investigating. Verner's identity as Richter's brother is pretty clear as soon as you learn Otto has one, but Sherlock doesn't suspect it. At all. Not one little bit, not until the end of the game. Was that supposed to be a surprise, CO? Am I too genre savvy for my own good? Well... maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but they added no red herrings and it was obvious. Sometimes, though, when something is really obvious, it's because it's hiding something that's less obvious.

Also, there are a few cases where Sherlock simply ignores evidence that doesn't suit him. We have no chance to investigate the woman in the first section, though we can at least put that to the narrative structure required it, but we also have no chance to investigate Imogen in the Gilded Cage. The name of the case suggests Imogen. The structure of the case suggests Imogen. Jon's weird sidequest suggests Imogen. And yet, we cannot investigate anything related to her. Sherlock has discarded her as a suspect before we get a chance. She's innocent. We don't rule her in or out. Just like that strangely attractive painter that Jon keeps saying we should be nice to. Verner even lampshades it, with saying Sherlock's choices on who and what to investigate impact the outcomes. Damn, Verner.

Frogwares has pulled from many incarnations of Sherlock Holmes. In various games, he has different affinities to different versions: sometimes he's been Granada, sometimes he's been Sherlock, and I think he was once reminiscent of RDJ Holmes. As far as I can tell, they have a deep understanding of Sherlock... hmm... extended canon? Now then, modern Moriarty's diverge from the mathematician and typically lean on genius manipulator, which they seem to have done here. In light of that... Elementary's Moriarty is a painter. In particular, the first thing she says to Sherlock is "Oh! You're beautiful." And the last thing that Verner says, in his weird, creepy way, that references absolutely nothing in the actual game, is "You're so beautiful." What. Is. Up. With. That? I mean, the line. Referenced. Nothing. In the game. And the mental illness picture he gave Sherry? Stunning, yes, thought provoking, perhaps, but beautiful...? Not so much. Verner's also as creepy as Sherlock's Moriarty, if I do say so myself. And he looks like Moriarty the Patriot now that I think about it. I mean, okay, fair, also not evidence, but...

Moriarty is staying at the Palazzo when Sherry and Jon get there. He's even left a note on a table. He's upstairs somewhere while Sherlock is eating caviar and looking for the owners of canes or whatever. There is exactly one person who comes down the stairs: Verner Vogel. Sure, that's not a smoking gun, but it is an interesting coincidence.

M is established in the game as someone who does not contact people directly. He works through intermediaries. Now, Verner, he does talk to Sherlock, but then, when he doesn't get Sherlock's attention... Verner sends some dude to Sherlock's place and gives him a puzzle to get him to come visit. *side. eye.*

M tells Sherlock that he is watching him, and that he wonders what would happen if he pushes Sherlock's. What is it that Verner's doing through this whole game?

Verner happens to have blackmail material in his creepy dungeon that "oh, the original artist wouldn't sell." And only, y'know, select people get to go to the basement, because that's definitely what an art gallery is like.

Supposedly the blackmail was painted by Mercurio, except Sherry never gets to talk to him. He's delayed because Verner doesn't know where the artist is, and by the time Sherry gets there... he's dead.

By the way, that picture of the rapist was painted by someone at a creepy sex party where Cordona's elite were hanging out. The rapist claims he was drugged. Right, right, Mercurio.

Wait. Verner's a painter at a creepy sex party offering Sherry drugs, talking like he owns the entire island. Who owned that blackmail again...? Oh, Mercurio, the dead guy we never talked to! Right!

Creepy sex party is creepy, but who tries to get their new friend (frenemy? what even is Sherlock to Verner, I'm not sure, plaything seems most appropriate tbh) to do some sex and drugs if they've really brought them here to investigate a murder on the DL?

Sherlock: You must be disappointed the orgy didn't happen. Verner: No, no, I enjoy a spot of murder, Sherlock. Me: Dude. Dude. Verner: Oh, by the way, the evening was supposed to end with me simulating murder in much the same way this dead guy was murdered. Me: Okay then.

None of this is proof, of course. It's a game, and I can only investigate within the context of the game. Just as I must go around Imogen's guilt or innocence and try to infer whether she was involved or not, I cannot investigate Verner and must run it all around in circles. But...

Here is a man who is always in the right place at the right time, is manipulating Sherlock, is somehow on the sidelines of a blackmail plot, finds murder to be entertaining... in a place where M is, where M is watching, taking the same actions that M is threatening. In a game where Sherlock does not investigate what he's not interested in, where every truth is a lie... how can I not see the patterns in the static?

I admit that I am Sherlock Holmes with a cactus needle and no access to Barnes.

[pcd-status]

On the Go Go movie, OtonaPre, and the future of the blog

It's definitely been radio slient around here for too long. I'm sorry, as always. The Yes 5 Go Gomovie review has been basically done for months, but I need to give it another pass and I haven't been motivated to do that. In fact I've been motivated to do anything BUT that. I could list so many arbitrary deadlines I wanted to have this out by:

The blog's fifth anniversary

Momocon

My birthday

the end of August

Hikari's birthday

the end of September

The premiere of OtonaPre

But here we are and none of them have come to pass. My current goal is to get the series knocked out by the end of the year. Preferably sooner, because I wanted to take a break before I come back with a vengeance in 2024 with an all new, simplified format to facilitate true daily content. At the current rate I may still not be done with Go Go by that point, which.... would suck. But I'll try to motivate myself. Which brings me to my next point.

Lack of motivation is strong. It's because I slowly let this warp into a colossal project that requires more work than I'm able to maintain, and my capacity has been reduced in turn. There's not a good reason this wasn't finished months ago, i've literally just been putting it off. I've still been watching HiroSky more or less weekly (which is more than I can say for DeliPa, still haven't finished that) so it's not that I've lost interest in Precure. It's just this particular project is difficult.

Otona Precure has just come out, and I'm honestly thinking I'm going to hold off on watching it until I finish watching and reviewing Go Go, so maybe I can turn this into the motivation I need to finish the show. I am excited to see my girls all grown up, this is unprecedented territory for the franchise in a year that has been all about exceeding my expectations. I WANT to see it, but I also want to see how the original ends first (or refresh my memory, since it's been about 10 years at this point since I first watched it all the way through).

As always we shall see where the future takes us but I am going to try to put forth some effort to tidy up the movie review soon so I can move on.

PS I know I didn't make a post about Hikari's birthday. I'm sorry. I might try to do a late one. Nagisa's birthday is on Tuesday, I'm not going to miss that.

[pynkhues]

I recently watched The Newsreader because I saw some mutuals on another site posting about it and really enjoyed it! Was wondering (a) if you've seen it/the most recent series and (b) whether you had any other Australian tv recs? I just realized I've seen very very few Australian shows and am looking to check out some more.

Yes! The Newsreader's so good! I actually haven't gotten around to watching a2 yet, so I am a bit behind, but I loved s1 a lot. Sam Reid and Anna Torv are always great, but I have a big soft spot for William McInnes - he's lowkey an Australian TV icon.

And yeah! Look, Australian TV's a mixed bag - it's criminally underfunded and operates in a really different way to American and UK TV (funnily enough, a lot of what the WGA strike was fighting against - in particular mini rooms, writers not being on set and the lack of a showrunner - are industry standard here), so I do think a lot of Australian shows tend to be undercooked.

But! Let's focus on the good, because there is still a lot of good. I wasn't sure what you fancied, especially since The Newsreader touches on so many genres, so I've tried to breakdown genres and rec that way. Hopefully there's something here that piques your interest :-)

Drama

I've spruiked Safe Home on here a few times before, but it really is just such a great little series. It's about a women's community legal centre who poaches a publicist from a major lawfirm when they discover they're at risk of being defunded by the government. They mean to use her to try and raise the profile of the non-profit legal centre, but end up throwing her in the deep end when it comes to stories of family violence which make up the majority of the centre's clients. It's harrowing in parts, but also emotionally rich, full of interesting relationships and feels pretty tragically true to life. It's only a miniseries, which is a bit of a bummer, because I really feel it could've kept going.

Other dramas:

Total Control - an Aboriginal woman is recruited as a senator by the prime minister after she has a heroic moment facing off against a gunman outside a courthouse. The premise sounds a little soapy, but Total Control is a really compelling political drama that explores the complexity of being a First Nations woman and a First Nations politician in a colonial state. Deb Mailman is it as an actress too, quite frankly.

Love Me - a relationship drama, Love Me focuses on three different generations within one extended family as they pursue romance. The show steers clear of schmaltz though as its particularly about the desire for intimacy and the complexity of being vulnerable with a new person, and I think it lands to mixed effect throughout the series, but man, when it lands, it really lands. Fair warning, there's pretty explicit sex in this (although very tenderly done! And I went to an amazing panel with the intimacy coordinator on it who was so interesting talking about it all). Also: Hugo Weaving in his best role in a minute.

The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart - full disclaimer, I haven't finished watching this one yet, but I've enjoyed what I've seen so far! Plus they somehow managed to get Sigourney Weaver in it?? Wild. It's about a girl who's reunited with her estranged grandmother on a flower farm after her parents die in a mysterious housefire. CW though for incest and family violence (although that's before Alice ends up with her grandmother).

Dramedy

Offspring is proooobably my favourite Australian show ever? Or at least it will forever rank top five. It's part romantic-comedy, part family-drama, part medical procedural, and part ever growing portrait of birth and death as it follows Nina, who's both obstetrician and chronic sufferer of Middle Child Syndrome, her older sister and little brother, and their divorced-sometimes-still-hooking-up parents. It's funny and charming, but has also made me sob like no other show on TV, so if you're ever in the mood for something like that, this is your pick.

Other dramedies:

Deadloch - I've posted a million gifsets of this show, haha, which actually seems to have picked up tumblr traction (unheard of for an Australian show!) but it's both a hilarious spoof of nordic crime mysteries, and a genuinely great crime series. Plus it is the most sapphic show you'll watch in a minute.

The Let Down - a really sweet, funny dramedy about new parents navigating life with a baby, while also looking pretty keenly at postpartum depression. Just watching the trailer made me want to watch it again, haha, but also my sister worked on it, so I might be a little biased.

Bump - okay, I'm just realising how many dramedies Australia makes about having kids, haha, but this is just a cute little YA show about a teenage girl who doesn't realise she's pregnant suddenly having a baby. It's a lot about parenthood, particularly about her own relationship with her mother, but it also leans into so many

Comedy

I've actually only just watched Fisk with a friend, but am enjoying it so so much. It's got Kitty Flanagan, a beloved Australian comedian in it, and features her as a newly divorced, freshly fired contract lawyer who ends up back in Melbourne at a wills and estates law firm having to deal with people (and grieving people!) for the first time in a hot minute. It's very funny, but also just totally charming, and the cast of characters feels pretty fresh for this sort of fish-out-of-water sitcom.

Other comedies:

Utopia - imagine The Office, The Thick of It and Veep had a baby! Part office-drama, part bureaucracy political hellscape! It's set in a fictional government department called the National Building Authority that manages infrastructure and it's very funny. If you're in the Succession fandom too, Sarah Snook's husband's a lead in it!

Upper Middle Bogan - okay, the trailer for this one isn't very good, but I love this show a lot. The premise is a woman in an upper middle class family discovers suddenly that she was adopted, and her biological parents were teenagers when they had her and are - - well, bogans, which is basically the Australian equivalent of a hillbilly. It's funny, but also genuinely just has a really big heart.

Black Comedy - I do find this pretty hit or miss, but its a sketch show, so I feel like that comes with the territory. But! This is an Indigenous sketch comedy show! And man, when it's good, it's really, really good.

Period drama

Okay, this is kind of a cheat, because it's not really a period drama, but it's designed to feel like one. Plus! It has Sam Reid and Essie Davis in it! Three nuns who've been living isolated on an island together are faced with the modern world when a priest from the mainland arrives hoping to sell the island for redevelopment. Things get! Out of hand!

Other period dramas:

ANZAC Girls - World War I drama about ANZAC (Australia New Zealand Army Corps) nurses in the Gallipoli peninsula, which is largely regarded as the battle that made Australia 'come of age' through the tragedy of the loss.

New Gold Mountain - miniseries set within the Chinese community during Australia's Gold Rush. It loses its way a bit towards the end, but it's also a really thrilling little miniseries that provides a compelling insight into the culture clashes and interests of this early chapter in Australian history.

Crime

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries is such a cult hit, and it's for good reason! Set in the 1920s in Melbourne, Phryne Fisher becomes a private investigator following her sister's disappeaarance. It's equal parts camp and dramatic, romantic and personal, and it just really scratches the itch of an oldschool murder mystery series. It's perfect.

Other crime series:

The Principal - a miniseries set in a rough highschool in Sydney where the faculty is left to deal with the fallout when a student's murder reignites racial tensions among the school community. It's heavy and harrowing, but also an insightful look at the broader fallout of a crime.

Wentworth - imagine a darker, grittier Orange is the New Black. Australian shows so rarely get more than three seasons because they no longer get government funding at that point which often makes them untenable, so its a testament to the quality and the audience of Wentworth that it lasted eight. If you want a show about dangerous women, you can't really get much better than this.

Science fiction / fantasy

Australia unfortunately doesn't make a lot of science fiction, which always bums me out, but Cleverman was such an exciting series when it came out, and I think still has a real legacy in terms of entwining Indigenous cultures with genre storytelling. It's was created by Aboriginal writers and directors, and pulls Dreaming myths into a dystopian future in a way that's just so compelling. It's a pretty great series with a unique take on the genre.

Other science fiction / fantasy series:

Glitch - I mean, technically its a zombie series, but it really feels like so much more than that. A bunch of people come back from the dead in a small town in regional Australia, only they have no memories of their life before they died. It's a deeply felt series about grief, but also identity and relationships, and if you're into genre shows, this is definitely one to watch.

[reasonandfaithinharmony]

Weekend WIP Game

Thank you for tagging me, @rmd-writes and @thisbuildinghasfeelings!

I know I am very late to this, but it is still technically the weekend here in the Pacific time zone, so here we go. I'll be using the questions for Artists/GIF makers. (There are also questions for writers in @welcometololaland's original post!)

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only work on one project at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more).

1. WIP List:

I am so afraid to see these all written out in a way where I can count them. [deep breath] This is a rather mixed-up list of gif sets for 911 Lone Star, Schitt's Creek, and The X-Files. Also, since they're gif sets, they don't really have titles, just nicknames:

husbands fancy dinner lizard arc kisses quotes of devotion come rain or come shine spin instructors flashbacks yes way meet the parents until i'm okay, too pile of good things best man wedding attire tk stays capable and decent unspectacular things endless act of being loved gravity of hearts simply the best reassuring head kisses he's a jungle cat wedding behind the scenes soft light/tooms/squeeze hope is messy iris/tk arc you are good and i love you

2. Which WIP is your most complex?

Oh gosh. Anything that involves coloring of more than one scene, really. That's what slows me down. And pretty much all of these fall into that category. Which is a big part of why they're not done yet.

3. Do any of your WIPs involve you using a technique/style that you haven't used before? What inspired you to try it?

Um. Possibly? I'm not far enough along to know for sure, but I think a couple of them might involve trying out a new text treatment.

4. Which WIP do you expect will take you the longest?

I am historically a very bad judge of this. Lol. There are plenty of potential obstacles in that list. I'm afraid to jinx it/make things worse by saying anything specific.

5. Which WIP are you finding the most enjoyable to create?

The "lizard arc" set has been very enjoyable to play with. And I suspect that "he's a jungle cat" will be very fun to eventually get back to.

6. Do you have a favourite character to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

Hmmm. Not really. I mean, I certainly tend to focus on my favorite ships, but I can't really pick a favorite from that group.

7. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

All of them. Because I am self-taught and constantly second guessing absolutely everything.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of creator's block?

I suppose so. Although It's more lack of energy or just… utter frustration that results in a WIP getting a time out.

9. Do any of your WIPs contain characters outside the main ship? How are you finding creating those?

Yeah, definitely. There are a couple on that list that focus on other relationships.

10. What emotions are you hoping to convey through your WIPs?

It varies. Some are angsty. Some are meant to be funny. But I think, in general, they are all trying to convey love.

11. Are there any features/details you are finding challenging in your WIPs?

[gestures wildly at the lighting teams on every show, thwarting my best efforts to see what's going on]

12. Which WIP has the most complex shading/colouring?

Don't know yet. All of them. Lol. I can tell you that the "fancy dinner" set has been in time out for months now. Because of lighting and coloring.

13. Which WIP has the most complex background?

Not sure this one applies to me.

14. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for?

Oh, I really don't know. My opinions here change all the time.

15. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

I normally do not remember my dreams. But very recently, I dreamt that I had finished one of those sets. I was very disappointed to wake up and realize it wasn't true.

16. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other art doesn't?

Hmm, I don't think so.

17. Are any of your WIPs commissions?

No, but some of them are friendly requests or things that came about from chatting here on tumblr.

18. Do you have a character that is more difficult to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

I'm going to go with Patrick Brewer. That boy's face just… goes nuclear bright whenever I try to brighten a scene overall. There are a lot of rather pale characters on that show, but they take pretty well to coloring/brightening. He does not.

19. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

Um. Some items have been on that list for years. They're not abandoned, I promise. I am just not in charge of the creative process.

Since it is barely the weekend for me anymore (and no longer the weekend for many of you), please consider this an open tag!! If you'd like to play along, go for it. Even if the weekend has passed you by.

[just-my-type-x]

Night Outs and Nightclubs

Angst

A/N: whatever i say in this imagine is purely fictional. In no way am i targeting Brad of having this type of behaviour and in no way am i projecting his behaviour in this imagine as being real in his day-to-day lifestyle. + another A/N at the end, pls read that before u start the imagine ♥️

Synopsis: y/n is also an artist and she recently has a radio interview where she has to confront the fans' rumours about her and Brad being more than friends. Her answer makes Brad reconsider their situation and take wrong decisions.

I put the headphones on my head and wait for Chris to introduce me to our listeners. I take a deep breath and say hi to everyone listening, followed by him applauding.

"Thank you, thank you", i laugh and he moves his microphone closer to his mouth

"Welcome back to BBC Radio 1, y/n, it's so good to have you back, it's been a while."

"Thank you, Chris. I know.. It's been like two years?", i ask him and we both frown, thinking about it.

"I think so, yeah. How have you been, love?"

"We're still not going to date, mate", he bursts out laughing and i smirk at the camera that's filming us

"I didn't even get friendzoned, i got matezoned. Well, this is new for me. But seriously, how have you been, what's new? I saw you were a supporting act for The Vamps on their latest tour. How did that work out for you? Since you've been in the game for almost as much as them, how was the experience of being a supportive act? ", he asks while checking his notes for any missing questions

"I've been very well, thank you, I'm very proud of my latest music video and I'm so glad it received its deserved praise haha. Secondly, i loved supporting the boys, they're great company and I've known them for a lifetime to be honest. It felt like a very refreshing time, because I had just gotten back from my tour and i stuttered a bit before agreeing to support them, but I'm glad i made the right decision.", i smile and take a sip of my coffee

"That's so nice to hear. I will say tho that I've seen a lot of comments regarding your reason for touring with them and if you don't mind, let's clear some things up for your fans, shall we?", he asks and pins me with his eyes, asking me, in a way, if i feel comfortable doing so. I agree and take another deep breath, making sure it can't be heard in my mic. "A lot of fans said that you're involved with one of The Vamps boys and that's the reason you actually went om tour with them. Also, a lot of people had pointed out that your boyfriend hasn't been in the picture for some time. Did anything happen?"

I chuckle before answering and i bite my lip. "He hasn't been in the picture because we broke up two or three months into the greatest hits tour. It was a really tough breakup because i didn't see it coming, honestly, i just woke up one day and my relationship was over."

"Was there a certain reason for the breakup?"

"Actually, yes, and it sucks because it was based on rumours. He saw a lot of comments, tweets, posts on Instagram about Brad and I and there were people shipping us, others were speculating about what we're doing, how they think we're closer as the days go by... Apparently he thought i was cheating on him with Brad and he decided to believe some rumours, rather than believing his 2 year girlfriend.",i exhale sharply when i finish talking

"You know he wasn't the right one when you see him do something dumb like this. No offence tho.", Chris chuckles and i smile. "Was there anything in particular that made things believe that?"

"Oh my Gosh, Chris, not you too.", we laugh and i take another sip of my coffee. "No, i would never date Brad. We work together way too much, we have the same management, record label, it'll be way too complicated. What people don't know it's that we wouldn't be allowed to work this much together afterwards and it would be a pity."

"There you have it folks. You heard it here first. This is BBC Radio 1 and we'll be back in 2".

We take our headphones off and take a quick break.

~~~~

I enter Tristan's apartment and throw my bag on the sofa and take off my shoes. I don't live in London, so whenever i have press interviews or radios to attend to, Tristan offered to let me stay with him for those few days. We've always been really close and helped each other with anything, so I'm really glad he offered to do that. I enter the kitchen and i raise an eyebrow when i see Tristan having lunch with Brad.

"Hello there", i say surprised and walk over to hug Brad.

"Hey", he says with a cold voice, but i brush it off almost immediately

"What are you doing here?"

"I have writing sessions with Olly Murs and Mabel these 2 weeks", his attention falls back on his food and i nod, giving Tristan a questioning look. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of his pasta. I murmur a quick ok and head to the fridge to get a water bottle.

"You have food in that bag, we wanted it to keep warm until you got home. Oh and we're going out tonight. Are you feeling groovy?", Tris asks as he dances around me with his pasta plate in his hands. I laugh and catch him by the waist to stop moving around.

"I don't think so, i was supposed to meet up with a friend tonight. I'll see for sure later, but I'm definitely not down for a nightclub.", i chuckle and sit at the table to eat. Brad looks at me from the other end of the table with a sad look and i frown, but he gets up and puts his dishes in the sink.

Hours go by and i end up staying at home, watching tiktoks, when a friend texts me.

F: ayy, y/n, how come you never introduced me to Brad and Tristan before?

I look confused at the text

Me: no reason, why?

F: sent you a video

F: sent you a video

F: sent you 4 photos

My eyes grow wide at the screen, as my chest tightens with a weird feeling. Brad's leaning on five different girls, talking to them so close to their faces that he might as well kiss them. Unless he, of course, did, as i scroll through the photos and i see him kissing one of the girls from the previous video.

Me: they're so drunk :))

F: wtf no, they haven't drunk anything so far. They're for real having fun:))

I leave her on read as i feel some jealousy creeping in. While we were touring, after my breakup, Brad and i did get really comfortable and maybe too friendly with each other. We had a lot of fun together and we would always hang out before the show and backstage. It went on like this for about 3 months and every day i felt closer to him. But what i said in the interview was true, there were so many factors that our relationship might have messed up. Tho our management is very chill and gives us freedom to do whatever we want, we wouldn't bd able to work together on most occasions. And i know he's aware of that too. He's also the one to say this first, how their career is now at a peak it hasn't been in a while, so they don't want that to get messed up. I'm also their friend, i can't be so selfish that I'd prefer to be with Brad and mess up with their scheduling and work days.

I toss the phone to my side and almost an hour later, i hear the keys in the lock. I check the time and it's a bit past 2AM,which is weird for any of them to be home at this hour.

I wait until the door is closed and i get out of the guest's room, only to find Brad taking off his shoes, his eyes scanning my exposed legs because of the pj shorts.

"Where's Tris?", i ask, crossing my arms at my chest

"He left with someone, he'll be back in the morning", Brad manages to offer me a half smile and i almost rolled my eyes at him, but he turned his back at me to get to his room.

I follow him and i lean on the door frame and watch from behind him how he unbuttons his shirt.

"I saw you had fun tonight", a chuckle leaves his mouth, followed by a shake of his head

"Oh yeah, wild night actually. Your friend is awesome", i swallow the heavy feeling in my throat and straighten my position in the doorframe. He turns around to face me and my eyes fall on his exposed chest and abdomen.

"You had fun with my friend?", my voice is a bit more raised

"Does that bother you? She didn't seem to be", he smirks and takes off his shirt, throwing it on the bed.

"Bradley..", i warn and get closer to him. He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. "You were on every single girl in that club, why did you have to hook up with my friend?", i throw my hands around and he smirks

"I didn't hook up only with her, don't be so dramatic", my cheeks heat up from his words

"Brad, did you really make out with those girls?"

"Are you jealous? Does it bother you? If yes, why?", Brad sits on the bed and waits for me to answer, but i just stare at him. "Good, because since you'll never date me, i have no reason to wait for you", he gets up again and walks toward his bathroom

"Wait for me? What are you talking about? And stop showing me your back when you're talking to me!", i walk in front of him and press my pointing finger on his well defined chest

"You're a smart woman, y/n, figure it out. I need to shower, please move out of the way or i will pick you up and throw you on my bed.", Brad's eyes darken at his own words and out breathing gets heavier.

"Bradley, answer me", i hold his gaze and i feel my eyes burn in the back of my head. Hr walks closer to me and i walk backwards until i hit the bathroom door with my back, his face dangerously close to mine.

"Stop saying my name like that", he almost whispers and i put my hands on his abdomen, pushing him back a few steps

"Stop being as close to me as you were with those girls"

"So you really are jealous. Why tho? You said really clearly that you'll never date me. I moved on with my life", Brad walks away from me, putting his shirt back on, since it doesn't look like he's gonna shower soon.

"Is this about my interview this morning?", i frown at him, but he stays silent, buttoning his shirt. "What would you have wanted me to say? That I'm in love with you and that i was so glad my ex broke up with me? I've gotten so many dms and comments about you and i, i saw how people see us and how nobody wants me next to you. It was a lie so i could take the attention off us for a while in 5 months. ", i take a deep breath and he scratches the back of his head. "Why couldn't you just ask me? Talk to me? You went out and made out with all those girls for what?"

"So you're saying it's my fault i screwed up", he let's his arms fall next to his body, his palms hitting his thighs

"I wasn't the one clubbing tonight", i cross my arms at my chest and we stay in silence a few moments.

"Fuck", Brad swears and takes two big steps until he reaches me and cups my face with hid hands, crushing his lips on mine, his tongue licking my bottom lip. I give him permission and his tongue touches mine with every movement and my teeth sink in his bottom lip, pulling at it gently. His hands fall on my ass, tracing the form of my ass cheeks. I take a step forward, getting closer to him, pulling at his shirt collar and keeping him close to my body. "Fuck, y/n", he moans and i push him on the bed. He falls back and holds himself up with his elbows, watching my every move. I get on top of him and i straddle his lap, his hand forming a chokehold on my neck as he pulls me to kiss him. He falls back on the bed and i lean more on him, not breaking the kiss. Brad's other hand holds my waist and the other one frees my neck, caressing my breasts with it before moving it to my waist too.

"Is this a mistake?", i break the kiss and i ask him, heavily breathing.

"I don't care", he answers, his lips back on mine.

A/N: i couldn't fit this at the beginning bc it was too much, so, I also have to apologise for something. I wrote this over yesterday when that club video went out and over today, while i was in class, and i didn't know the entire story behind what actually happened behind the scenes of that video until now. I apologise and if the story wasn't already finished and scheduled for today, i wouldn't have posted this imagine. At first i loved how it would've been a great context, but now i know more things and i really don't want it to seem disrespectful or look like I've profited off that. Again, I'm not trying to picture Brad's behaviour as being like this in reality or that his behaviour should be taken for granted.