#yes i am not like a healthy person and yes i am self conscious about it

[senselessalchemist]

Youtube waited 2 weeks to recommend me new motion twin game trailer? But served me like 20 jerma clips in that same period that I immediately said "do not recommend" to? Literally don't know what the fuck the algorithm is thinking. (I am begging algorithm stop fucking showing me that streamer man I do not like him I do not want to watch clips of him or compilations or vods or anything.)

I am... torn, because obviously something like this was coming, and I will likely enjoy the game, but I've been so spoiled by semi regular Dead Cells updates and also it's my Thing, and I'm bad at dealing with endings, so this is very bittersweet. More on the bitter side than sweet tbh but I'm actively trying to be a non-bitter person so.

Cute little guys tho, can't deny that. Definitely hope the game keeps some of the same visual interest as dead cells b/c probably one of the things that does make me come back to it is the visuals, especially the color palettes. Hades is very good in that regard too (and probably better in terms of style, but I'm a sucker for pixel art), but a lot of games* vaguely in the same arena as dead cells are beautiful but muted and/or deliberately kind of dark/grimy/restricted to very limited color palettes. Based on the fairly limited footage it definitely looks like it will.

*games I've actually played. There could be hundreds of great pretty bright games that get lumped into the same broad metroidvania/roguelike/roguelite/whatever category as dead cells that I havent experienced. Only speaking to what I've been exposed to personally.

[tleeaves]

what did cassie get wrong w Jem iyo? like to me he’s very proud and stubborn in an Asian way (it’s hard to explain but there’s something very chinese about it, culturally, how he’s optimistic and dramatic in equal parts but needs to be seen as separate from his illness so badly) and very conscious of the value of life yet resigned to his own fate yet holding his head up the way people in inspiration porn do (but it’s from a place of wanting to be normal, wanting to fit in and live and have meaning and love and responsibility in his life like a teenager). I’m curious though how could his character have popped more? and what does not seem realistic?? actual so curious

Okay love, bear with me, I'm just going to go on a bit of a ramble. I haven't put a lot of thought into my answer so it may be a bit incoherent.

So, as context for anyone else, I mentioned in another post where I was examining chronic pain and illness in fiction using TSC characters that I felt that while Jem was done quite well (he means a lot to me as a character and I relate to him like I haven't been able to with other characters before), there were some missed opportunities for his character to really pop and some things I felt Cassie didn't really do realistically.

Honestly, I think the two kind of tie together. While my illness is not terminal, there were many times I either wished for death or wished to live a fuller life unhampered by the pain and sickness. This still happens sometimes, but more of the latter. It's hard to look at healthy, able-bodied people. I marvel at just... how much easier existence must be for them. And I wish we saw more of this perspective with Jem.

While we do see him having a crisis over feeling like he's only half-living, half a man, and so he must take more yin-fen to be his full self for Tessa (this really hit hard as someone who was on steroids and felt unshackled for the first time in years, only for the pain to come back again and trip me up again sometime after I had stopped taking the meds), I also feel that we didn't quite reach a catharsis or angst that truly would have rounded his experience as a character. Optimism, pride, stubbornness, and his own subtler dramatics all do come into this, but I really would have liked to see a moment of weakness.

I think that night when he first kisses Tessa and is ranting about how she acts like a nurse and as if he is her patient, that he knows she cannot even see him as a full man, one who might desire her -- that was good. That was a moment of weakness. Emphasised when he sent her away because he did not want her to see him on his knees dusting up the drugs that give him life. That was so frickin' YES. I cannot even tell you the amount of times I feared as a teenager and even now into adulthood that I will not be seen romantically because I am just someone to take care of, a liability, and I try so hard to compensate for that to not be a burden, because I need to be seen as a "full person" to anyone able-bodied. This was just chef's kiss fantastic as a demonstration of something Cassie did so, so right to me with Jem. It's a common insecurity but not to be overlooked. For Jem it is his weakness and shorter life span, for me it's physical disfigurement (so far it's just one funky collarbone) that may worsen with age and limited physical ability (I say it so many times, but it really haunts me that I turned down a dance offered by a guy I had a major crush on because I was in too much pain to move much let alone dance, and the fact that many people avoided me when I was in my worst bouts of pain because they didn't know what to do).

Anyway, that was an example of something Cassie did right. What I would have also liked to see though is a moment where Jem is not calm and it has nothing to do with Tessa (well, it's at least not centred around Tessa). For a long time, I just wanted the pain to end. I had made peace with death because I wished for it. And there was a calmness to it. The same everyone sees in Jem. Acceptance. He argues not willingness because he fights for every second of life he gets to spend with those he loves, but I really think what would have popped is seeing him realise how much he wants for there to be a cure. He does give everyone permission to look before he calls it off to take the last resort option he never wanted before to be a Silent Brother, but I wanted to see him break down -- even if it's in private because most of our battles are when you're chronically ill -- and realise he wants to live because there is so much more he wants.

I know it's seen as very cool to accept a death that's coming to you in a lot of media, but honestly once I got past wishing for it, I became so absolutely terrified of it. The idea of losing control over my body, of my joints being too stiff and painful to create or do simple tasks, and the idea of any of my chronic illnesses being severe enough to become what might kill me in the end, before my time, scares me so much. There is a frantic need in me to do and see everything before I am unable to. I feel like I am constantly in a rush for everything in life.

It's basically rule of thumb in writing that a character who is calm needs a scene where they are not calm, when they snap, when the unthinkable happens, where the unshakeable are suddenly shook, and I needed that deep, deep terror in Jem to be about him, and not just Tessa or the people he's leaving behind that he does not want to cause grief for.

Not every person who can "put up" with their chronic illness is a saint with infinite patience. I see this a lot. To me it feels unrealistic that Jem feels okay about his illness, about his impending death, about all of it, that the only thing he might feel bad about is making his bride a widow too soon and leaving his best friend who might not cope without him. This is more of a typical trope in media, and by god do I just want to see someone else who isn't me go through what I do and also scream and cry at the injustice of it all. We didn't choose this life, it was given to us, and it feels so unfair. It is rare that I ever break down right in front of a person, I've gotten good at the detachment when talking about my chronic illnesses, but in private it is a whole other monster.

Not only that, but the Jem we see post-Brotherhood is so... different. Granted he had over 100 years to come to terms with no longer dying too early or being ill and weak. But chronic illness really takes its toll on a person. You don't have to make their whole personality their illness, I think we'd all rather not, but there is a fear that every little health problem might be something worse, there is even a begrudgement of those who take their bodies for granted, the fear that your children might inherit your weaknesses and that maybe you have sentenced them to a life of pain like yours was/is, that one day the chronic illness will come back and you've only got so many healthy years left before you get old and start to lose your body all over again.

For every moment of optimism and hope, there are hidden moments of despair and fight and pain. Sometimes we have to claw and bleed for that ounce of hope, for the strength to act "normal" and fit in and not be a downer around everyone else. As restless as you can be, sometimes you just want to sleep it off, even though you know this illness isn't something you can sleep off. I would have liked to see more of that with Jem.

Again, what Cassie did was really good, and I appreciate Jem so much since I have not seen many other chronically ill characters who I relate to in fiction. I just felt some things could have added to his story and character.

[astroyongie]

Gidle September Reading 2023

Note: please take it lightly

Miyeon

Love: She is feeling very apathic. Miyeon is single and not seeing anyone at the moment, her heart is heaving and full of self doubt and she also has no motivation to go and fight for a lot relationship. I do see that she receives a lot of proposals and confessions but she is just not interested? 

Career: She is suffering a lot from impostor syndrome and she doesn’t believe that what she does or what she does to the fans is worthy or is through her work. Miyeon has been self conscious of herself and it also feels like she hasn’t been particularly honest with her members regarding a few issues the group has been experiencing.

Self: She has been very perfectionist with herself, which mainly focus on her appearance and how she perceive herself, so all that energy is being misdirected. I believe that Miyeon is trying very hard to follow the Korean standards which you all know aren’t exactly healthy. 

Minnie

Love: She is single and not looking for love. Minnie is very harsh with herself, she auto critic herself a lot and her self doubt is no kidding. It's her lack of self esteem that stops her to be happy in a romantic relationship 

Career: She regrets so many things when it comes to the group and her career. I believe that Minnie was the member that suffered the most inside Gidle, she was the one who had to go through awful things ever before debut and she knows that everything she had to live, was not worth her current situation. She is just disappointed. I also don’t think that being an idol is something she enjoys anymore. 

Self: She has been thinking a lot about taking some cases to court, about making justice about the things that have happened to her but she haven’t taken action because she needs to do all of it on the shadow which is almost impossible due to her situation. 

Soyeon

Love: She is on a kind of on and off relationship where she truly believes that the person loves her and wants to be with her when in reality she has been fed on illusions and lies. It’s partially the reason why the person will never be official with her. 

Career: There was probably an argument with her company because Soyeon had an not-realist point of view about Gidle’s future. I also feel like she gets easily moody when the company denies a request of her. Also another little tea I was able to catch on is the jealousy she has over one member of the group. 

Self: She has been a little bit disconnected lately mostly because she has been doing things that aren’t aligned with her values and she wonders if she is still a good person. I also see that she has been struggling with a few of her personal relationships. 

Yuqi

Love: She is single and independent and not looking for a relationship at the moment. Yuqi sees love as something that doesn’t serve her right at the moment so she isn’t particularly attracted to anyone or seeking any type of romantic feelings or even physical contact? 

Career: Everything is going well for her, she has her Chinese sponsorship that works very well and she follows all the advices and the orders given by the company which is making her able to have a stable financial background and life. 

Self: Her energy is a little bit off, it seems like she has been working on automatic pilot lately which isn’t giving much information about her self situation. 

Shuhua

Love: She is in a relationship with someone and she is very happy with it since the person is treating her like a queen which is basically what she was expecting from the person. So yes, she is emotionally content at the moment. 

Career: I believe that Shuhua isn’t being very objective about her career and that if she isn’t careful she will burn herself with things that she thinks are already hers. She lacks a lot of good judgment and I am scared for her that she ends up pissing off the wrong people. 

Self: Without surprise, Shuhua lacks of discipline and direction. She has the mentality that things are given to her effortlessly and that make her having lack of direction. Again, I am just scared she pisses of the wrong people that could ruin her career in a snap of their fingers. 

[mymarifae]

hey it’s the writing anon from a while ago ^_^ read your thread on akito and kashika and i’d like to say THANK YOU for recognizing that kashika doesn’t have to be read so literally when looking at akito as a character 😭

it is genuinely a little jarring to see people go “oh he canonically wants to die hahaha” and leave it at that when he’s really been on a path of healthy growth for a while as of burn my soul … please!! he’s found a way out of the mindset of survival and desperation, he’s grown to love what he’s doing without so much of the fear of being left behind and his storied “future” is more within his grasp than ever, because he’s let his partners in and is more willing to lean on them, growing alongside them

i’m not saying we should disregard what he’s gone through in the past but i’ve also noticed it’s a bit of a trend within people interpreting akito to attribute his past actions to his current self— like i STILL see people bring his actions in main story and use that as their baseline for how he is as a character when it’s…. just not that true anymore. yes he’s kind of an asshole but he’s also learned that he has a place within vbs and that he loves his groupmates and they love him :(

anyway thank you :) your thread was a very good read!

omg hi again !!

yes it really seems like a good chunk of the prsk fandom struggles with like... acknowledging character development. i'm not entirely sure what it is, but it's insane to see how many people treat these characters like they're static figures. it's one thing to revisit past events and explore avenues colopale didn't take, and build upon the things they neglected (or just re-build entirely where they fucked up). it's another to look at everything akito is doing Now and respond to it with "he's about to overwork himself and go into another long spiral isn't he. oh look he got a line in beyond the way with the word 'die' in it he must still be suicidal and struggling with his inferiority complex oh no 😱" LIKE

akito has come so, so, SO far. his development means the world to me !!!! it has been so amazing to see this scared, self-conscious, bitter, traumatized kid grow into someone who is Confident and Passionate and Excited and Bright. he's grown!! he's learned!! we see him reaffirm multiple times in other events that he's not going to go down the same path he did in SBD - other characters will see him still practicing or about to go for a run or whatever and check in on him and he always tells them he knows better now. because he does! he's not just saying that !!!!

it took him some time to adjust, but he knows vivid bad squad has his back. kotaro has his back. ken-san has his back. ena has his back. hell even arata and tsukasa fucking tenma have his back. he knows he has a support system now ! these are people who want him by their side, and no they're not going to leave him when he stumbles and falls behind; they'll simply pull him back up and they'll just keep moving forward. Together.

and citing kashika as confirmation that he's (still) suicidal is crazy because that's not what the song is about? it's about him reflecting on his past and all the shitty things he went through that caused him to develop that bitter inferiority complex he struggled with for so long. and how he's starting to feel ready to move on from it all. even from haruryo's perspective, in which all the lines about wanting to die are literal, kashika is still a very, very, very positive song !! it's still about moving forward and allowing your love of music (or [insert personal Love of choice here]) to help you through dark times. it's not a song about wanting to kill yourself; it's a song about wanting to live.

idk this all is just super important to me because i am all about stories about growth and healing and recovery. and it's frustrating to glance at the prsk fandom and see people squandering these beautiful stories for... i don't even know what or why 😭

[empath-abuse-awareness]

went on a rant but realized it'd be better to phrase this in a more constructive way. this is long i am so sorry. if you decide to post this then empaths are encouraged to read <3

reasons to stop using 'narcissistic abuse' and the word 'narcissist' when speaking of abuse, by an abuse survivor without npd

1 if you call your abuser a narcissist, it takes away their own autonomy. it's better to specify that they abused you because they chose to, as implying that it is because of narcissistic personality disorder (npd) takes away their accountability. it's their responsibility to treat you well, and it is their fault, not that of the hypothethical narcissism.

2 putting them responsible for the abuse does not make your abuse any less valid or harmful than if you specify it is 'narcissistic abuse'. if non-traumatized people judge you, their arguments are false as they are speaking from a lack of understanding of what you have been through.

3 children growing up in abusive households could lean toxic or unhealthy behavior, yes, that is true. if you teach them about this and inform them of ways to learn better behaviors then this allows them to make the decision to become a healthier person.

4 if you portray them as abusive, on the contrary, then this does not help them and people are also psychologically more likely to express the behaviors that people perceive them to be doing. you can research this if you'd like. what i am saying is that if you call them an abuser they are more likely to abuse. if you teach them to express healthier behaviors compassionately, you can help them be a better person who refrains from harming themselves and others.

5 people with npd who express unhealthy or toxic behaviors are not doing this because they want to. their disorder is a response to trauma (yes, it could be the same as yours, even) and it is possible they are unaware of the consequences of their behavior. this is not because they are out to get you, it's because their caretakers have taught them it's the safest way to survive. their brains (yes, brains. it's not a conscious decision of the person themselves) psychologically do not understand that this is not the case for situations not like that household. once again, they deserve help in learning healthy behaviors. if you don't want to interact with a person who has npd then that is your respected boundary, but then let npd advocates be. that is the point of what they are doing. they are assisting pwnpd to be healthier and to treat themselves and others with kindness.

6 'narcissistic abuse' is not different from other types of abuse. why? because all abusers are self-centered. to abuse is to put your own standards above the personhood and safety of your victim. your self-centered abuser is not different from any other abuser (who is probably self-centered too), and if they are diagnosed with npd then you should learn the difference between mindsets and actions. people with npd have varying mindsets. people without npd do too. the question of whether someone turns out to be an abuser is their own choice. a person with npd can treat you compassionately and without harm even if you believe they have a 'big ego' or prioritize themselves.

7 on a similar note to my previous point: emotional, physical and sexual abuse are descriptors of the way in which someone is harmed. they do not describe severity. yes, your abuse can be very severe and very scary, i trust that. i believe you if you state that you were harmed. however, this harm could be inflicted upon you in varying ways, and the types of abuse describe that, rather than the amount of pain you've been through. you're allowed to speak about your pain. you can do this without blaming a disorder instead of your abuser. so please stop using 'narcissistic abuse'. i promise you your abuse is severe and it matters.

8 people with a lack of emotional intensity or low empathy have been through trauma too. they might have those responses Because the abuse was too much for them. the abuse they have been through was severe, too. if they don't feel as much emotions as you then this is not because they are heartless and cruel, it's to protect them from the pain you've probably felt too. they've hurt, just like you. their brains decided that they needed a safer response so that they wouldn't suffer more. your brain didn't because it made you more sensitive. that is okay, trauma responses differ, but they are still trauma responses.

9 if you insist that people with 'big egos' should have it become lesser so that they are 'put in their place', then the way to treat someone who believes they are superior is to give them equal treatment to that of others. to imply they are the same as everyone else, basically. isn't that surprising? if you want people who prioritize themselves to learn that they are not better than others objectively, then you treat them in the same way as you'd treat someone with empathy, or someone who is selfless, or whatever else. this should not be hard to understand.

10 emotions vary among people with cluster b disorders and in general, so surprise surprise, they can be affected. they can be hurt. you are influencing them negatively. treating them worse will not, in fact, lower their egos in the way you'd like. treating them equally will ensure they learn that is their place among others. recognize their personhood and help them. if you want to help trauma survivors, then the way to do that is to treat all of them with kindness. also, learn trauma responses and abuse. please. for the sake of pwnpd, yourself and everyone else who has faced trauma. that is all i ask. i understand you might not listen but for those who genuinely want some arguments i have presented them to you above. thank you for reading.

11 realize that 'ableist' is not an accusation meant to shut you up. it's meant to inform you of the consequences of your actions so that you can learn to be more compassionate to people with npd.

12 and finally, realize that mindsets rooted within you do not change quickly, and you deserve to set up boundaries. refrain from interaction with pwnpd if you wish. the only thing i ask of you is to cope with your trauma healthily and to not hurt yourself or others (including pwnpd) in the process. thank you.

sincerely, a trauma survivor who has been through abuse from (you guessed it!) self-centered assholes. and by the way, you're allowed to just insult them. calling them an abusive piece of shit is ok and encouraged. embrace yourself and hold that bitch accountable, there's more creative and harmless ways than 'narcissist' to do so!

100% facts

[draconicsparkle]

Medium was the most voted for selection! So here we go!

Including some other characters! And some I’m sure you all will like!

And part of it was inspired by something I saw in the mountains. Have y’all ever seen a snake puddle? It’s wonderful. Does anyone want to see the pic? Let me know!

Nagito woke up on his large bed groggily. He never was a morning person, and it always took him so long to fully regain consciousness. A vast contrast to his housemate, who he could hear moving around in the kitchen somewhere below him.

He sat up, stretched, and got out from under the covers. He lazily shuffled over to the wardrobe, picking out an outfit for the day at random. He didn’t care, his brain wasn’t caught up yet.

Once properly dressed, he headed down the stairs, yawning the whole way. The scent of bacon wafted through the hallway once he reached the stair’s base, making his stomach rumble.

“I heard that. Come in and sit down. It’s almost done,” Hajime called out from the nearby kitchen.

Not wanting to disappoint, he did so. He entered the kitchen to see the naga preparing food. His tail took up a ton of room, but he was able to maneuver around with no issues. He had lots of practice.

So not concerning himself with how Hajime was doing, Nagito sat at the table. A glass of water with his pills on a napkin awaited him. It made him smile, as Hajime knew exactly which he needed. It made him feel cared for.

He must have spaced out, as suddenly a plate with steaming hot food was placed in front of him. Muffins, eggs, toast, and bacon with a glass of orange juice alongside the water. “Before you say anything, yes I am aware you probably can’t eat this all. But try to eat as much as you can, okay?”

Smiling wide, Nagito took a second to thank everything in the world for his companion. “So kind. So generous. I hope you know that I appreciate all you do for me, right?”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “Oh, I know. You thank me endlessly every time. Now eat. I’m determined to get you to gain a few pounds before your next doctor’s appointment.” He tapped the glass of water with a claw. “And take these. Eat a bite first then take them.”

Nagito nodded, picking up his fork and cutting a section of the eggs. He ate the delicious food, savoring the taste for a few moments. He then took the pills, washing them down with the water.

Seeing this relieved the naga. “Good. That should help.” He crossed his arms on the table near him and laid his head on them. “I’ll finish what you don’t eat. So it won’t go to waste.”

“Taking a breather before they arrive?” Nagito asked in between bites, unable to resist ruffling the brown hair.

Hajime grumbled, but didn’t attempt to escape. “Yeah. They will probably want to eat some cooked food since they haven’t had it in a while.”

Nagito pulled his hand back, reaching for his glass of juice. “Do you think… she has made up her mind yet?”

A reptilian hazel eye opened. “About what you asked her last time? Yeah, I’m sure she’s decided by now. And I have a feeling I know what she will choose.”

Nagito set down his glass after taking a sip. “Whichever decision she comes to, I shall respect it. She’s important to you, and thus is important to me. The same goes for your brother.”

It was quiet for the rest of breakfast, Nagito managing to eat more than half the plate by the time he pushed it over to the larger creature. “This is yours now. Thank you for the food.”

“That’s more than last week. A good sign. We are getting you to a healthy weight,” Hajime commented as he took the plate. Nagito could see the beginnings of his jaw unhinging. “I’ll clean up this and then start on lunch preparations. Want to go watch for them at the door?”

The human stood up and pushed his chair in. “Yes, I can do that.” He turned and walked to the living room, not turning around. While he found it fascinating, he knew Hajime was a bit self conscious about showing him his fully open jaw. So he left the room to ease the other’s discomfort.

He reached the glass patio door, unlocking it and opening it up. He breathed in the clean air, relaxing and gazing out to the vast forest in front of him.

There was about half a mile in between his home and the forest’s edge, but he could still tell it was an amazing forest. He owned the forest, and he fully intended to keep it protected. He hoped it would one day become a refuge for Hajime’s kind. A safe haven, away from prying eyes and hunters' traps.

And speaking of Hajime’s kind, he saw some familiar shapes moving near the forest’s edge. Their movements rustled the plantlife as they moved. And soon they were out in the open.

Two nagas. Each one very different from the other.

The smaller one was female. She was wearing a loose hoodie that was a bit big for her. It resulted in her sleeves completely covering her hands. Her silver hair was frazzled, as if she had just woken up. Her scales were light pink with darker pink splotches. Chiaki, a coral snow corn snake naga.

The other was much, much bigger. He was wearing a pristine white button up shirt that had somehow escaped getting dirty in the forest. His hair was long and luxurious, looking like a model’s. And his tail was also extremely lengthy, decorated with black scales. Izuru, Hajime’s sibling and a black mamba naga.

Mostly.

Nagito smiled sadly as he recalled what Hajime had told him about his brother. They were born in captivity, and scientists had tampered with Izuru’s egg. Hajime had served as the control in the experiment. The experiment being to inject DNA of a completely different naga species into an egg and see what hatched.

In a sense, the experiment had worked, as Izuru had hatched with the body and venom of a black mamba. But his brain was also changed by it’s embryonic confusion of what he was supposed to be. His emotions were stunted and they would never develop.

But he ended up being incredibly intelligent. So intelligent, that he managed to trick the scientists into believing he was docile and stupid. And once their guards were down, he broke himself and Hajime out. They had fled to these woods, getting accidentally separated. Which is how Hajime had found his way to Nagito’s home.

Thankfully, after some time, the brothers had been able to reunite. Izuru had found another naga, Chiaki, and had been tended to by her. They had become friends, and Hajime joined that once they met and talked.

Nagito had kept out of the initial contact, not wanting to interfere. And he would have been fine if no contact ever happened. He understood it was hard for them to trust his kind after all they did to the naga species.

At least, that had been the intention. But Hajime had grabbed him and carried him to his brother and friend. He had been flustered and nervous that entire encounter, being held like that the whole time. But luckily, they had accepted him.

So now they dropped by every once in a while to visit him and Hajime. To which Nagito welcomed them with open arms.

That was why they were making their way to the mansion. Though they were taking their time. Nagito was fine with this, as he had nothing to do today. So he just watched from his location, hearing the sounds of activity in the kitchen from the brown naga.

Chiaki and Izuru reached him after a bit, slithering up to him with no hesitation. “Hey Nagito. Good to see you,” the pink naga said, rubbing her cheek against his in greeting.

“Good to see you as well. How have you been?” he asked in return, stepping aside to let them in.

“Sleepy,” she replied, yawning wide. Too wide for a human.

But Nagito wasn’t disturbed. “Somehow, I expected that.” He turned to the black naga. “And are you doing well, Izuru?”

A nod. “Yes.” His tongue flicked, red reptilian eyes scanning the inside. “Is Hajime in the kitchen?”

“He is. He’s preparing food for lunch. Though I am not sure what.” Nagito waited until every scale was indoors before closing the glass door. “Please make yourselves at home. Let me know if there’s anything you need.” He pointed to a large crate near the fireplace. “And the vials are over there if you want them, Izuru. Clean and organized and ready for use.”

“Excellent,” the black mamba stated. “I shall do it before I leave.”

The reason for the vials was so that Izuru could inject venom into them. He produced a lot, being a black mamba. And he had decided to donate his venom to antivenom research. He didn’t need all of it, so he figured he might as well give it to someone who could use it. Proof of his change of heart on humans. Well, some of them. He definitely wasn’t planning on going out into the open.

But putting that thought aside, he went over to a room on the side and opened it up. “There’s more pillows in here. We can cover the entire floor with them. So there’s plenty. Grab what you need.”

Chiaki slithered in, grabbing an armload and carefully maneuvered out. “Soft. And comfy. You always have the best stuff.”

Nagito scratched the back of his neck. “I’m glad you approve. I want my guests to have the best.”

Chiaki dumped her armload on the ground, then turned to look at him. “Hey, about your offer… have you changed your mind? Are you sure it wouldn’t be a problem?”

Nagito shook his head. “There’s plenty of space and I have no shortage of money for food and other items you may need. If you want to, you may stay here like Hajime. You can have more opportunities to play games. I know you like them.”

Chiaki smiled. “I do. They are fun.” She glanced back at Izuru, who nodded to her. She returned to looking at Nagito. “Then yes. I accept.”

The human clapped his hands. “Wonderful! I can place orders for whatever you would like in your room. And I’m sure Hajime can give you a hand in setting things up.”

“I heard that! Are you volunteering me for work?” the brown naga shouted from the kitchen before entering the living room with his hands on his hips.

Nagito grinned at him. “Oh, don’t take it that way. It’s just that you are so strong and smart and wonderful. I thought you would be well suited for the task.”

Hajime blushed. “Nagito! Cool it with the compliments!” He sighed and looked over to his friend and sibling. “So Chiaki’s moving in? Good to have you. I’ll be sure to show you around if you get lost. It’s a pretty big house. And Izuru? You’re sure you are okay with her leaving the forest?”

The taller naga shrugged. “It is fine. I can handle myself well on my own. My visits here will be more frequent now, but I do enjoy living out in the trees.”

Hajime and Nagito each gave him a nod in understanding. The offer of housing had been extended to him as well. But he had politely turned it down. He enjoyed his pure freedom out there. And no one in this room wanted to take away his source of happiness.

Hajime cleared his throat. “Well, change of subject. The food is in the ovens. They will take about two hours to bake. So we can relax while we wait.”

Chiaki got a mischievous look in her eyes. “Does that mean…?”

Hajime nodded, also looking mischievous. “Operation Puddle shall now commence.”

Nagito was very confused. “Wait. What is-”

He didn’t have time to finish his question. He felt Izuru wind his arms around his midsection, raising him up and off the ground. He was lifted high up, the mamba tail allowing for Izuru to ascend to great heights. Nagito froze, holding tight to the arms around him.

Down below, he saw blurry shapes as Hajime and Chiaki moved quickly. There seemed to be an unspoken signal when they were ready, as Izuru lowered him back down. He was soon surrounded by warm snake tails of brown, pink, and black. It was incredibly warm and comfortable. Hajime’s head was on his left shoulder, Chiaki’s was on his right. And Izuru had laid his human torso on top of his legs.

“Ah, so this is what you meant by Operation Puddle,” he said, causing the nagas to smile.

“We are all going to rest. And that means you are too. You aren’t going to run yourself ragged while everyone is here. This ensures that,” Hajime explained with a smirk. He closed his eyes soon after, settling in for a nap. Chiaki and Izuru followed suit. Soon the human was the only one awake.

He laid there in the middle of the circle of snake tails, staring up at the ceiling. If he had told his past self that this would happen, he was sure he would not believe it. Gaining the trust of not one, but three nagas? And all cared about him?

He sighed happily as he got comfortable. If this was a dream, he certainly didn’t want to wake up.

Masterpost

[amysubmits]

hey Amy, I wish your doing well..

I wanted to ask you for an advice.

I am not really self conscious about my body and my body image and how much I weight, but I am not really confident in my body either. In the last month or two I have gained weight not much but it was my first time seeing that number on the scale, I am fine with it and I am accepting it because it was final exams season and I was under so much stress so I am going easy on myself. And so was my Daddy, he has been supporting, didnt make me feel bad about it. But he said after you are done with your finals you will eat better and lose the extra weight, it was like him caring for me rather than him saying that as an order. I do agree that I wanna get in shape better, eat better and exercise to just get me back on check. Now that I am done with my finals, I was telling him about me being thick and that a pair of pants got so tight on me and he responded with yes you are thick and you "need" to lose a little bit of weight. The way he said it made me upset, that he said I "need" to. I honestly don't know if am a little overreacting or not, can you advise me on how to communicate better in such situations..

PS he isn't toxic and he isn't controlling and he loves my body and always supports me, this our 1st incident regarding my weight at all..

Hi Anon,

I think it's super understandable that you feel hurt by what he said even if he didn't mean it negatively at all.

Like you, I don't see myself as having body-image issues in general. I feel really privileged for that.

And yet...I know I would still have a really negative reaction if anyone told me they thought I needed to lose weight. In a lot of ways, that coming from your partner makes it extra painful, I'd think.

I can't tell for sure from your ask if he was basically giving his opinion of what he thinks you should do, or if he was saying that you eating better and losing weight would be something he's imposing on you as your dom. If it was the latter, I personally really disagree with that. I just think weight loss is something that should not be brought into D/s. I think eating healthier can maybe be okay in some D/s dynamics but I think that should only happen if it's coming from the sub.

For lots of things, I think it's okay for the dom to propose rules or expectations. Of course, the sub would still have to agree to those ideas for them to be implemented. But eating, diet, exercise, etc are one of the areas where I think rules or expectations should only be brought into D/s if they are suggested by the sub, and if they are coming from a healthy mindset. For example, if a sub wanted to start exercising 4x a week, not because they hate themselves, but for emotionally healthy reasons, and they asked their Dom to hold them to that expectation, I think that can be okay for some subs. But I don't think a dom should ever tell a sub that they need to start exercising or eating a certain way. And even when a sub is the one initiating the change, I think it's best to focus it on a positive replacement rather than on a negative. For example, I think a rule like "eating 3 servings of veggies per day" is a way healthier rule to use to encourage healthy changes rather than "No more than 1 sweet/dessert per week". I don't think that a requirement or expectation of weight loss is ever okay to bring into D/s. I guess I should put a disclaimer in here that this is just my values, I'm not a mental health professional or anything like that. I feel pretty strongly though that some things like expecting weight loss or having a dom control a subs food intake, is really unhealthy. And, given that your dom has now said you 'need to' lose weight, I personally would have a hard time giving him power of anything to do with your eating or fitness because I would struggle to see even positive rules/expectations as being well intended now.

Anyway. My goal with the conversation you have with your Dom would be to express the following:

That it hurt your feelings when they said that you need to lose weight. That you disagree that you need to and that it's a hurtful thing to say even if you did feel you needed to lose weight.

That you haven't consented to them controlling your weight or your diet, so them telling you what you were going to do in this area is not appropriate.

With you saying that you felt that they had your best interest in mind, you can sort of soften these statements some by explaining that you know they meant well. Still, that doesn't change that they hurt you and overstepped their role so it's important to make that clear. It's really about defending your boundaries or the limits of your D/s dynamic.

If you agree with me that this just isn't an area that D/s should be involved with, I'd encourage you to express that belief to him so that he understands it's not really about exclusively what he said, and is more about it just not being a healthy thing to do with D/s.

Or - if he wasn't trying to impose these eating and weight loss expectations on you in a D/s way, but still stated it as something you need to do? Then I'd still explain to him that it was hurtful, and then explain how as a sub, if he tells you that you need to do something, even if he isn't specifically proposing it as a rule or D/s expectation, that as his sub, anytime he tells you that you 'need' to do something, it carries a lot more weight than someone else saying the same thing would. In this case, I'd think he needs to recognize how powerful his words are to you.

Best of luck to you.

Ps - I am a bit worried that this post might trigger some strong reactions from other people. It's a really sensitive topic. So before I even publish this, I want to add that the reason I am not providing a more strongly-worded reaction myself is because the anon specifically said she feels her dom is not toxic, and that he was coming from a place of care. My instinct is to not see a statement like 'you need to lose weight' that way - but I trust that she knows her dom better than I ever could from a single ask. So I based my answer around trusting her assumption.

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Hey, your local ace is back! I honestly come looking for comfort or idk cuz being demisexual/asexual in today’s society is HARD. I have always been confused to what ‘being good in bed’ consists of. I understand it involves the whole communication thing but people say ‘sex is like any other skill, you have to do it a lot in order to be good’ and I am like ‘okay but what if casual sex is not my thing? Do I just stay an ‘awkward virgin’ forever?’. It almost feels like I need to be promiscuous in order to be enough. I am demi so I want to do it with someone I plan to live the rest of my life with but all the discussion of being good at sex makes me feel so self conscious, I want to do good for my future bf but the thought of not being attractive enough makes me want to shrivel up lolol. Even though I got an hourglass body, big boobs, wide hips and good butt (thank you parents!) all of this makes me feel so…Unattractive and ugly. I also feel like if my bf told me I wasn’t pleasuring him I would break up with him and run for the hills out of embarrassment 🤸‍♂️🤸‍♂️🤸‍♂️. So my question to the class is: is the emotional connection not enough for sex? Cuz I always thought it would be for me. How do you get ‘good at sex’ without having a hoe era or whatever? Lolol I am a nerd so even if I wasn’t ace i don’t think I would be much good at sex either

Hey! @xiuminswifeforever

I haven't been ignoring you but I just have been trying to figure out a way to reply to this because my feelings and experience are very similar to yours.

It's rough, it's really fucking rough out here.

It's like you either have to forfeit emotional intimacy to have a semblance of a sex life or you remain emotionally abstinent/celibate permanently.

It's like the idea of wanting a sexual relationship with emotionally intimacy is just something you shouldn't even consider now.

I don't know if this will help you but what's helped me with gaining 'experience' w/o necessarily being with someone is through self-exploration.

Honestly, reading smut, having a pretty collection of toys and listening to nsfw bf audios has helped me learn and feel more confident in what I enjoy and don't enjoy.

My response to 'is the emotional connection not enough for sex?' is...I don't know, it would depend on the other person really.

My romantic and hopeful side says:

'yes, the emotional connection should be enough for sex because if you really desire to be in a long-term and healthy relationship, then physical intimacy would be something that you would work through together'.

My cynical and realistic side says:

'Most people ie men in their 20s don't want to wait for an emotional connection to form before physical intimacy happens.'

I've listened to a lot of experts about relationship and physical intimacy where they say it takes 3 months for men to form an emotional connection with their partner so you should wait 3 months before having sex so there's that foundation of emotional nurture and care.

But realistically, what guy is going to want to wait 3 months?

I wish I could say something more happy but my view is quite bleak right now, I feel your pain and loneliness, it's awful and I get it.

What I am going to do is tag a few moots of mine who I feel would help with this question and they can respond if they would like and give you a different perspective:

@saintfool @anyamaris @hipster-shiz @creativechaoticloner @muselin @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @ja3hwa @lyramundana @daddysspecialdollyworld and everyone else who feels like they can contribute to this!

[dirty-bosmer]

Me again lol. don't know why I asked the last q on anon. I just made a new blog for fandom stuff and am self conscious cause I don't have much on it. Didn't want you thinking I was a bot! Anywho, I've calmed down and actually have another question re: fic writing. I'm considering writing an Oblivion fic (thank you SO MUCH for the insp, fell in love with fic again while reading yours) and am wondering : What was your inspiration for Lucien and his relationship with Nim? It's so deliciously twisted, and I have only read one other fic that braves the territory you do (have you read Love and Blood on FF? also themes of obsession and the author's Lucien is VILE). Kinda rare to see a story that's not afraid of making him actually villainous, wicked, and believably the murderous lunatic he is in game (I dont want prince charming anymore!!!) I mean hear me out, the fanon is fun too and I got a kick out of it for years, but it's SO refreshing to read something beyond another iteration of the smooth, suave, reticent but romantic characterization in dozens of Lucien/Silencer fics.

Got any book recs for characters or relationships like the ones you write about? (hope this okay. I'm srsly just so excited rn like u kno the feeling when you finally get a fic that does it the way you see in your head and are like YES THAT LET ME CONSUME IT anywho here i'm rambling again good day)

My kind of people lmao. First of all, goodness, thank you again! I don’t know what I’m going to do with all these compliments besides become a puddle on the floor. 

That is seriously so sweet of you (despite the morbid nature of the content you are complimenting). And yeah, look, it's a story about two murderers and their descent into madness. The companionship forged between them is obviously not going to be pretty, heh. For a long while, however, I was worried no one would like it cause I gleaned that fanon Lucien is a little more... tame? Or he’s sexy XD Anyway, I've had people comment on how much of a sicko edgelord he is in the fic (both positively and negatively lol). I really appreciate that you love what I’ve done with him but just want to say there is no right or wrong way to do it! There’s stuff out there for everyone’s taste, and I am not and never will write with the intention of making the story palatable to everyone. I decided to give it my all writing him menacing and icky and pyscho cause that’s what intrigued me,. I'm happy with it! And I am Infinitely more happy that you like it too 🥰

And yeah, it makes me feel weird to say aloud that I love all that dark, twisted stuff in fiction, but the heart wants what it wants 🤷‍♀️ I just love a “romance” story that's not actually a romance at all but rather a work of horror— an exploration of the dark recesses of the human psyche that breed obsession and the all-consuming need to devour. I got a healthy, fulfilling relationship irl. I want my fictional characters to squirm a bit, and damn but I want to be equally uncomfortable when I indulge, ya know??

Gonna put the rest under a cut here:

As for inspiration regarding the relationship/Lucien, this is gonna sound so weird lol but Griffith and Guts from Berserk, Hannibal the TV show, the band Deftones (hit me up for song recs). Some creepy uncomfy books that explore similar dark themes: Damage by Justine Hart, The Vegetarian by Han Kang, Lolita by Vladimir Nabakov, You by Caroline Kepnes, Boy Parts by Eliza Clark. Also soooo many movies. There are too many to name (hit me up again hehe).

For Lucien, p much anytime I read/watch a character being a sick little freak I take note of it (see above). I’ve also listened to Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s podcasts about narcissism (she is a doctor of psychology and a leading expert in the field who was studying narcissism loooong before it became a commonly known personality trait). It really helped me understand the human capacity for manipulation and cruelty, how someone can go through life working to get what they want while only being capable of loving themselves. 

Oh, and you know, I looked it up and think I started Love or Blood a really long time ago but haven’t read any fic on FF in years cause the site is p much unusable to me. Was it about Janus Hassildor? I don’t think I ever got to the Lucien bits. Maybe I’ll pick it up again. I’ve read so many Lucien fics, I can surely read another, and if it’s similar tropes, I’ll probably enjoy it. 

While I have your attention, I would be remiss to not mention some other DB/Lucien fics that I enjoy. Next of Kin features a younger Lucien, and he and Tal (the MC) are delightful and dirty and so real. They have a great dynamic. The relationship feels earned. Also Lucien is believably a career assassin and rotten at the core while also retaining his humanity and the capacity for tenderness. I’m picky with romance in general. I can't do heavy handedness and often times I find the characterization of a loving Lucien kind of contrived or saccharine or just not for me (and that’s okay! It wasn’t written for me. We all have our preferences and mine do not skew tender D:), but this is flawlessly executed, lemme tell you. The writing is PHENOMENAL. Truly some of the best I’ve read among fic. I’ve raved about it on my blog, as it’s quite rare to find a story that balances its themes as well as this does. Also Fortune’s Favorite is very dear to me. It features another monstrous Lucien who is undeniably gross and predatory. He’s not the main focus, but the story is otherwise full of angst and sadness. So too light and love and oof, I got misty eyed at several parts. There are multiple relationships in this fic, each of them juicy, but Lucien’s relationship with the MC is a horrific descent, quite a disaster (in the best of ways) and truly so entertaining to read.

So yeah that was... a lot lol. Hope it helps. Also please tag me in anything you write! I get so excited to see new Oblivion fics and would love to talk shop and writing. It’s how we learn knew things and improve :)) 

[jennycalendar]

aren't hate and love the same thing? aren't they intertwined? i just think there is so much in that. jenny can love angel, yes, and subvert whatever expectation is placed upon her. but she can hate him too. maybe the hate is a reflection of her own strange self-hate, because personally i don't see jenny as a self hating person: i feel as if the shame she would feel for loving angel would bounce off her into something else. anyways. the point is. well. it's a stew of things. she hates him she loves him and she forgave him long ago but maybe it all comes back to shame in the end, whatever KIND of shame you want to talk about. to me it's all the same.

but of course i would never talk over you user jennycalendar! just throwing this out

got this in the middle of library class and am taking my break to answer it because i am so thoroughly delighted by it!!! please talk over me!!!!

so the thing is i don't think you are Wrong, i think jenny absolutely Does and Can hate angel, but (and here we are entering headcanon territory) i am of the mind that her capacity to consciously despise him has become really warped and complicated in a way not unlike giles's own relationship to the watchers' council. like, giles is attempting to differentiate himself from this version of himself that caused terrible harm by returning to an oppressive system and obsessively following their rules, and jenny is, i think, the opposite side of that coin -- she is actively creating a version of herself that exists in opposition to the system she was raised within. so hating angel Is Not Allowed because hating angel would make her The Same As The Rest. she can be ambivalent towards him, but if she hates him, she believes in the mission, and that is unthinkable.

THAT SAID, the hatred does exist, it is just buried so many sedimentary layers deep down that it is not easy to reach! and so when i say she Doesn't Hate Angel i say that bc i think she is making the conscious repeated choice to scrub that hatred from her and burn it out in the same way that giles refuses to acknowledge the part of him that liked being ripper. where it is very clear that this is a very smart person convincing themselves that they are making Good Healthy Choices but there is still this element of vindictive self-harm.

and it's fucked up darkfic most certainly but i actually worked this into my fic scarlet women in a very direct and uncomfortable way, because i wanted vamp jenny to emphasize that dissonance and that repressed hatred -- she is literally having sex semi-consensually with angelus with a degree of power over him, all while repeatedly and angrily asserting that she doesn't want to be doing it and getting off on the assertion (a metaphor with the subtlety of a BRICK). like it takes her being a literal vampire to admit that she hates him and wants him to suffer. her most thoroughly repressed instincts are vengeance, violence, and selfish anger. (it's why she and giles as vampires would literally never break up.)

[brittanagirlcrush]

I need to rant

So, feel free to totally ignore this but if I don't get this out I will continue obsessing and that's not getting me anywhere.

I'm a writer. Whether I'm good or not is up for debate - I think I am. I write stories I like to read and my grammar/spelling/mechanics are usually pretty good. I've had (mostly) positive feedback on my stories.

I have absolutely ZERO problem if you have a piece of constructive criticism for me. Something doesn't make sense? Something is problematic? I screwed up on the timeline? Cool, let me know. You have suggestions on what I could have done differently? Cool. I'm not saying I'll take these suggestions but I am 100% okay hearing them.

I end up ranting about non-constructive criticism. People who guest comment stuff that doesn't contribute to my growth as a writer or my understanding of a mistake I may have made.

Case in point:

Recently, someone commented about my handling of Santana's ED. Now, I left all of that intentionally vague (like, so vague I probably could have gotten away with not putting a TW for ED but I did so "just in case") for several reasons:

1) I'm not 100% behind the idea that Santana had an ED. I know that's not the prevailing opinion of the fandom but I am more of the opinion that Santana was body conscious (or self-conscious) but not to the point of an ED. I think, and this is simply my opinion, that the fandom locked onto Naya's ED and took whatever was in canon to bolster the opinion that Santana also had one. Yes, there is canonical evidence that Santana had an ED but there is also canonical evidence that she didn't.

B) I have some of my own issues with food and weight so I really didn't want to research and delve into ED. It was one (rather short) scene and I will never mention it again in any of my fics.

HOWEVER,

The person who commented was polite and articulate and I appreciated their criticism.

My only intent was Santana going from too thin/scrawny from poor diet and too much/the wrong kind of exercise to being healthy from eating a healthier diet and exercising more moderately. Thus, the change in her appearance. Working with a counselor was her way of working through all of Sue's brainwashing.

I just felt that Santana would have been self-conscious about gaining weight, not necessarily because of an ED, simply because of who she is and how she was raised.

So, if that commenter is reading this, thank you.

Now, onto the reason for this rant.

If you don't like a song, cool, I get that. Not everyone is going to like every song. Telling me it's a terrible song and seems like my song choices were self-indulgent; not helpful.

Also, Santana sang "She's Mine" ... a country song from 1987 ... I don't think "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" ...

a number one hit for Bryan Adams (for 16 weeks) in 1991, was featured in the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,

Oh, wait ... it was also released by Brandy in 1998 on her album Never Say Never (which also featured The Boy Is Mine with Monica - you remember that song, right? Santana and Mercedes sang it together in Season 1) ...

is really that much of a stretch to think Santana MAY know that song.

Whether it's a terrible song or not is debatable.

For the record; most of my song choices end up being totally random.

Saying my writing is "ableist" ... not helpful. I had to look up ableist. Then I had to re-read my fic. And I still have no idea what that comment meant. How was it ableist?

Onto the comment that kind of made me scratch my head:

"The dialog (especially from brittany) reads like a tumblr rant and not at all like natural human speech"

It was a review for The Spaces In Between. I re-read my fic and, I am unsure if the person meant ALL of the dialogue or just Brittany's rant in the last chapter. I will be the first to admit that sometimes I get the voices wrong. But I thought I did okay with TSIB.

If it's just Brittany's rant in the last chapter, then it was exactly what I wanted it to be. A rant. A word vomiting rant of epic proportions. Because Brittany was pissed. Look at her face in IKAG. She was angry and Brittany (oddly, much like myself) doesn't get angry. She gets annoyed or irritated, vents it quickly ("I do love you. Obviously you don't love you as much as I do or you would put on this shirt and dance with me!") and lets it go.

However, long fuses can still be lit. Brittany spent a good portion of Season 3 not talking to anyone but Santana (she even mentions it in Promasaurus). She was pissed and she bottled it up. For Santana. Because Santana needed her. But when those long fuses get lit they will, at some point, explode. The wrong thing, said by the wrong person, at the exact wrong moment and BOOM.

It's not supposed to be coherent and "natural human speech". It's not something Brittany does - Santana does insulting rants - Brittany doesn't. So, when it happens, it's not "natural"; it's angry and messy and very un-Brittany-like. (People are always surprised when I "go off" IRL because "that's just not like you").

Oddly, this "rant" isn't angry. It's annoyed. If you don't like my writing, don't read it. I (mostly) write for me but I know there are seven or ten people out there who enjoy my stuff so I write for them as well. If you have something constructive to say, I'm glad to hear it. If your only goal is to tear me (or, really, any fic writer) down for the sole purpose of upsetting me - I gotta wonder - who hurt you?

Ok. Now that I've vented my spleen about this nonsense, I can get back to my "real" writing.

Chasing the Dream isn't going to write itself (sadly).

[waywardvictorianconfessions]

NAC: I’ve referred to Emilie as having narcissistic personality disorder in a few of my confessions. I actually have a masters degree in social work and a license (as well as a minor in neuroscience) and I am qualified to diagnose people with mental disorders in my career (therapist) so I would never throw that term around lightly or to insult or to disrespect someone. Of course, she isn’t my client and it isn’t my place to give a real diagnosis but I do believe that she possesses the traits of narcissistic personality disorder enough that I think it’s fair for me (and others tbh) to say that she has it.

By consulting my DSM-V book (which you can find online if you want to fact check me for yourself) a person must demonstrate at least 5 of the 9 traits of NPD in order to be diagnosed. I just reviewed it now and I can confidently say I could give multiple examples of her demonstrating 8 of the 9. The only one I don’t necessarily think she has is number 7 which is lack of empathy. I don’t have strong evidence to support that. But the others absolutely yes. 

Again, she’s not my patient so I can’t give an official diagnosis however given the DSM 5 she does easily meet the criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. She doesn’t meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder.

I work with people with all kinds of diagnoses as a therapist. Personality disorders are extremely tricky and some of the hardest clients I have to work with. Mood disorders like depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. are much easier to treat because there is a biological cause in their brain to give them the symptoms. For personality disorders it’s some thing within their self perception, and the way they behave and treat others that is maladaptive. They usually require CBT or DBT therapy depending on their diagnosis and it can take years of conscious effort on the person with the personality disorders part to unlearn these harmful, and often times abusive behaviors that they have towards others that caused them so much misfortune in their lives. 

The sad thing is most people with these disorders refuse to acknowledge the harm that they do or to be self-aware about the way that they are causing their own misfortune. I actually rarely work with individuals with narcissistic personality disorder because most of these people would never actually seek therapy because they are completely convinced that they are perfect and everyone else is wrong.

For those that do acknowledge and admit they have a personality disorder and that this is a bad thing and they have abused, traumatized and hurt others as a result of it and work super hard to change this I’ve seen amazing results and I’m very proud of a lot of my borderline clients. I have one client I’ve been working with almost weekly for 6 years who is finally so proficient in her coping strategies and DBT skills that she’s able to hold a stable job for the first time in her life and actually have a healthy relationship! She first came to me after losing all of her friends and her adoptive family went “no contact” with her as result of her cruel and volatile behavior and the trauma her actions caused them. She no longer demonstrates outwardly any borderline traits and her family is talking to her again. This is why I do what I do. I’m so proud of her and the hard work she’s done. Recovery and change is possible!

The thing with the mood disorders is this is a disability that you have that you will always have on some level. Medication and coping strategies and lifestyle changes can greatly improve symptoms. However, personality disorders are something that should be changed and when someone functions well enough that they no longer demonstrate the traits of the personality disorder you can essentially say the person doesn’t have it anymore. And that should be the goal for anyone who has a personality disorder. Choosing to identify with your personality disorder in a positive and even proud way (instead of treating it like a harmful thing that needs to change) and take it personally when people criticize the harmful and abusive actions/traits of a personality disorder is troubling. (Not saying you should be ashamed but that you should acknowledge the need for change and do it.)

I care deeply about Emilie and am very sad for her because NPD is a tragic and miserable way to think and live. She is an incredible artist and I wish she could take off her mask and be an authentic person again. I am still rooting for her and hoping for her success, as I do for anyone with a personality disorder. But I believe her NPD may have completely killed her musical dreams. It was actually going to be workshopped and then everything went silent and the website removed TAFWVG. Knowing what I know about people with NPD and my personal and professional experience I can say that they cannot handle any criticism whatsoever. Even the slightest most warranted, good-faith, constructive criticism sets them off into a rage or conversely complete denial depending on the person. If Emilie has NPD I doubt she could have handled the criticism needed to grow and make her musical better. This is speculation but my theory of what happened and it makes me so sad because I was (and am) genuinely a fan of her musical idea and songs so far. It has so much potential but she needs to be able to edit it down and listen to criticism from industry professionals that want to help her make her dreams come true.

I do still hope she gets the help she needs and wish her and all people with NPD all the best and I hope they learn from and change their behavior.

[faiirytalesx]

CHARACTER BASICS

Full Name: Defne Karahan Nickname:  Age: twenty-seven Gender: demi woman Pronouns: she & they Ethnicity: turkish Nationality: veritean Education: Some public schooling, though there were long stretches where she was homeschooled by her guardian. Occupation: Herbalist Hometown: Stardust Hollow Current location: Ashborne City Species: Hybrid ( human & fae ) Written Aesthetics: cake batter on a wooden spoon, milk and honey, dried flowers pressed between the pages of a book, mortar and pestle

trigger warning: abandonment, anxiety

CHARACTER APPEARANCE 

Face Claim: Aslıhan Malbora Height: 5'6 Hair Colour: brown Eye Colour: brown Dominant Hand: left Distinguishing Features: large dark eyes, a smile that is easy to appear and hard to truly disappear, gently pointed ears that indicate their heritage

SUPERNATURAL EXTRAS 

Abilities: adaptability, elemental manipulation (earth), glamour, enhanced senses, healing Have you always been aware of your abilities?: Not entirely aware, though they've always known that she had some power. Most of what she has discovered was by accident or under the guiding hand of their guardian. They first learned about the elemental manipulation of earth and assumed that all children had the enhanced senses she had. Favorite Magical Items: She has a certain mortar and pestle that has some sort of magic, though Defne isn't certain of the details. All they know is that it does most of the work for her and her guardian brought it home to her after a trip to one of the other courts. What supernatural creature is your character most scared of?: Fae, mostly due to the fact that they were cast out by their fae family. Defne has a healthy fear of most other supernatural creatures though. Who or what would they die for? Just about anyone. Defne's guardian always said that she had a "bleeding heart" when it came to strangers...even after they've hurt them. Does your character fight or flee? Flee. There has never been a situation in which she has seen a benefit in actually fighting.

PERSONALITY

Positive Traits: kind-hearted, earnest to a fault, gentle, independent, clever

Negative Traits: naive, hesitant, frightened, passive, insecure

Neutral Traits: dreamy, moralistic, self-conscious, soft

Goals/desires: to live a simple and pleasant life on her own

Hobbies: playing the violin, gardening, stargazing

Habits: 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT Q’S

your answers to these questions do not have to be in depth, though of course they can be! they’re just here to help you grasp your character a little more, as well as for me to get an understanding ! 

QUESTION ONE: were you born on the island, if so, what kind of curiosities do you have about the world beyond? if you weren’t, what do you miss about the world outside veritas isles? 

Yes! I am told that I was born in Stardust Hollow, but for as long as I've known, I have lived here in Ashborne City. I wish more than anything to go out and see the rest of the world beyond, I have so many questions about everything!

QUESTION TWO: what is your favorite part about the island? 

I just like my little home here in Ashborne City.

QUESTION THREE: if your character is supernatural, do they fear humans? if human, do they fear the supernatural? 

Sort of. Defne has complicated feelings toward humans as she is half-human but she was also abandoned by a human and has always felt that she was too fae to be fully around the other humans.

QUESTION FOUR: share a fun headcanon or fact about your character! this doesn’t have to be long, just something to introduce us to your character! 

Defne doesn't really have any idea about where she came from-- just that her mother was a fae and her father a human and that neither wanted her. Eventually, she was dropped off in Ashborne City where she was taken in by her guardian who they saw as their true parent.

ADDITIONAL HEADCANON

Defne struggled in school, always feeling that she was too human or too fae to truly belong anywhere and as such, really struggled with their identity and feeling comfortable in such a setting. They had long stretches where they were home schooled and after they finished their schooling, she continued her mostly isolated existence. There was one person that changed that though...Defne fell hard and fast for this person and thought that they felt the same way about her. Something tore them apart though, something outside of either of their control and Defne's heart was left broken. She swore off ever putting her heart truly on the line like that ever again.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

Adopted family - Defne was taken in by this other supernatural being out of the goodness of their heart (or some other reason...) and she truly sees them as a parent.

Family - Their biological family. Her mother is fae and her father a human, but that's all that Defne really knows.

Ex - They fell for each other hard and then something happened that meant they ended. It could have been a societal thing, perhaps they were different supernatural species or perhaps there were outside forces acting. Whatever it was, it left Defne heartbroken but maybe just maybe there could be a reconciliation.

[natromanxoff]

The Big Issue In The North - September, 2006

Credits to Louise Belle and Queencuttings.com

Freddie Mercury

Freddie Mercury

Exclusive unseen interview

‘Outrage is wonderful’

The world's first Indian and Persian rock star would have been 60 earlier this month. Fifteen years after Freddie Mercury's death, and with his songs remaining as popular as ever, the following previously unpublished 1984 interview reveals a performer at the top of his game

Words: Steve Lake

Lake: For a while, you captured an American black audience with songs like Another One Bites The Dust. Was that a surprise?

Mercury: Totally. I think if we'd consciously tried to write a song that would cross over to a black audience, we could never have done it. It was a song that John came up with and it just broke the barrier.

Lake: Were you listening to bands like Chic when you broke through the disco barrier?

Mercury: No. At that point I'd only really listened to soul singers. Like Aretha Franklin, whom I've always loved. Or Marvin Gaye. Since then of course I've been quite active with my Michael Jackson impersonations! I've moved from writing multi-layer harmony-type things. I like the very open-space black funk things. I think it showcases my voice a bit better. For the last eight years I've been struggling to get my voice through this barrage of guitars...

Lake: You've actually been working with Michael Jackson, haven't you?

Mercury: Yes. Nothing has come of it, because we're both very busy. We've got three unfinished tracks. One of them is called Victory and the bugger has gone and called the new Jacksons album ‘Victory.' I don't think the song is included, though. I hope not. If it is, I'll go apeshit and sue the f****r.

Lake: Do you enjoy working with other singers? I heard some disgruntled noises from Brian May one time when I asked him about working with Bowie on Under Pressure.

Mercury: Interesting you should ask that. David is a very good friend of mine. No, I get on well with David. Of course, there's always this temperamental thing between musicians. A degree of ego clashing. It has to be like that, because when you're working with other people you can't have it your own way all the time. That Under Pressure session was totally spontaneous and that was why it was so good. David and I are both people who get bored very quickly and we like to do things on the spur of the moment. I just think David and Brian have nothing in common, nothing to talk about together beyond the music.

Lake: The span of personalities in Queen seems to be more extreme than in most bands.

Mercury: Yes. I think that all stems from the fact that all four of us are songwriters. So, from day one, there was always competition within the band, as well as competition outside of it. I think it's healthy. And we all have amazing egos, of course we do. We all have a key role in the group. And even if we're talking about the same topic, you'll usually get four different views on it. We're quite open about our differences. If I say something and some of the others don't like it - tough shit.

Lake: Are song lyrics very important to you? Are you self-conscious about your words?

Mercury: Yeah. I am. Look, for me the song lyrics are just completely escapist. I don't feel that I'm equipped to write any heavy in-depth message songs. To me, a Queen song is just something to be listened to and discarded — like a tissue. It's like going to the cinema and forgetting your problems for an hour and a half. I'm not here so say 'Change your life by listening to a Queen song.' I don't want to change people's lives. John Lennon could write powerful message songs. Stevie Wonder. They've lived their lives that way. You can actually believe that they mean it, if it's a peace song or a peace message. I'm not like that. I like to write a nice song with a good tune and that's it, on with the next.

Lake: How do you feel about the new groups promoting a conspicuously gay or trans-sexual image? Groups like Dead Or Alive or Frankie goes to Hollywood and Culture Club?

Mercury: Some images are good, some images are bad. I like Boy George immensely. He's got a very hard role, it's a brave thing to take on and its wonderful, it's working. Outrage is wonderful. But sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it's a bit tacky. It just depends on the individual.

Lake: do you feel that you've played with that outrage quotient in Queen?

Mercury: Oh I think so. We started off with Roxy Music in that whole glam-rock era. When I started, all people were used to was bands recreating their albums on stage and wearing jeans. So when they suddenly saw Freddie Mercury in a Zandra Rhodes frock with makeup and black nail varnish, it was totally outrageous.

Lake: Of course in England, especially in papers like The Sun, much of the interest is focused on the sex life of pop stars.

Mercury: Yes, I know. You're going to ask about this story about me being "gay" that was in The Sun. As far as I'm concerned, I just f ** k whoever I want whenever I want. With Queen, the press have just printed whatever they want to print, and they can get away with it. I don't lose any sleep over it. But that thing was completely misquoted. What can I do? I can't think 'Oh my God I've got to let everybody know that this was wrong.' The whole Sun article... I think the woman who wrote it just wanted a total scoop from me and she didn't get anything. I said "What do you want to hear? That I deal cocaine or something?' so she went away and printed that I'd actually confessed that I was gay. And there's no way I'd do that. I'm too intelligent.

Lake: Cynically, it's a good time to be gay. It's good for business.

Mercury: Isn't it? But it's wrong for me to be gay now, because I've been in the business for 12 years. It's good to be gay now or outrageous in the business if you're new. If I even came out with that people would say 'Oh God, here's Freddie Mercury suddenly saying he's gay because it's very trendy to be gay.' It's not my scene. The only thing that matters to me is the music. If the music doesn't sell, I'll just give up.

Lake: Which leads on to the inevitable questions about longevity. Is there a point beyond which you think you can't be up there on stage doing the show that you do?

Mercury: The only testing ground is the record, to be honest. It doesn't matter what the press says, if you don't sell records that's it. At this moment in time I'm bored with the stage […]

"I don't want to come across as modest but sometimes it does mystify me as to why all this happened to me. I just sing the song to the best of my ability and do the best performance I can"

[…] shows. I want to do different things. I want to play places I haven't played before. We're thinking about going to South Africa and it's going to be very political and everything, but I don't give a shit. As far as I'm concerned I'm just playing music to people. We were one of the first groups to go to South America. It was an amazing experience. Two weeks after we'd finished Britain was at war with Argentina. But that shouldn't matter as far as musicians are concerned. Music is for everybody. I want to go to Russia. We wanted to go there three or four years ago but they looked at our album covers and decided we would corrupt their youth. These are the things that I want to get to — the other corners of the world — before I give it all up.

Lake: But do you think, though, that public acceptance is really any criterion of musical quality?

Mercury: Yes!

Lake: Really?

Lake: Yeah, that's how you gauge your success, but it doesn't say anything about the intrinsic value of your music, does it?

Mercury: Oooh... what a load of shit! I know what you're saying, that you can be a wonderful undiscovered musician. So what? What does that mean? I think talent means that you know how to ram it down people's throats! Talent is being in the right place at the right time. You've got to know how to get to people. Talent is image.

Lake: I was just remembering a Rolling Stone article about Queen in Argentina which described Queen as 'the first truly fascist rock band.' Does that say anything to you?

Mercury: Oh dear. Oh dear. Noooo... OK, explain it to me. What does that mean?

Lake: Well, I'm asking you.

Mercury: A whole lot of journalists came from all over the world to see us play those stadiums in Argentina. It had never been done before, and we just happened to be popular enough to do them. In San Paolo we played to 120,000 one night and 130,000 the next. It was very new to them and it was very new to us. It was not like North America. There was no such thing as any organisation. It could have turned out to be a totally unruly crowd, so they had the Death Squad doing the security. Before we came on stage, the whole military was up the front with bayonets. Just in case... South America is a completely different kettle of fish, and they thought that if anybody could get such a vast audience it could become very, very political. They pleaded with me to not say 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. When you have a mass like that in front of you, you're in command, you can actually control it. They were very worried that I could turn this musical event into a political rally.

Lake: How do you feel in the middle of a scene like that?

Mercury: Oh very powerful, very powerful. You feel like the Devil. You feel that you could run riot with all these people. Somebody else with a different mentality could really use it to their political advantage or disadvantage.

Lake: What does it do to you on a day-to-day basis when you're on a stage and thousands of people are chanting your name?

Mercury: It's wonderful. The adrenalin's there... Of course, it makes you feel completely powerful. But as far as I'm concerned, I just lose myself in the music. I just want to make sure that I do a good performance and have a riotous time. That's what I really think... I don't suddenly think 'I've got all this power, I can DESTROY!' It's not a destructive thing. I'm too wonderful for that. I'm too good.

Lake: Do you think ‘Yes, I deserve this kind of adulation'?

Mercury: (Laughing) No, no, no. That kind of adulation I'm quite overawed by, to be honest. I don't want to come across as modest, but sometimes it does mystify me as to why all this happened to me. I just sing the song to the best of my ability and do the best performance I can.

Lake: Do you prefer to be categorized as "star" or "musician"?

Mercury: Oooh, I don't know (laughing). I don't know. I'm just a human being. I'm just somebody doing a job. What does it mean — star or mega-star or whatever? I'm just doing my job. I don't mind being called a singer, or a singer/songwriter. I think I like that best.

Lake: Do you think you are overpaid?

Mercury: Well, there's a lot of money to be made in this game. No, I work hard for my money. What I like about it is that everything I've got is what I actually made myself. Nobody gave it to me. It wasn't handed to me on a platter. I worked for it. Everything that I have is worthwhile, because I made it myself. I like to work for my money. If all the success finished tomorrow, I'd try and regain this status in some other way, by actually working. I don't want to be given anything.

[butchcraftwrites]

This is about the ask game, how about rhealeth and marihilda?

OH GOD YES HERE WE GOOOO

First off for Rhealeth: Need we ask? I am deep in rarepair ship hell for them.

What made you ship it? I played the game and I had EARS AND EYES. You know, when I first heard Rhea's EN voice, I was like "Oh, oh yes. I will go after that one." What I was NOT prepared for was all the internal conflict, mystery, and strife that emanated around the two of them. When Byleth woke up with her head on Rhea's lap, it was a huge reveal that Rhea was not who she seemed to be. And then when she morphed into a dragon like a month later, I had SO many questions. I couldn't wait to see her again so Byleth could just ASK her ANYTHING. But of course, Rhea wouldn't reveal anything until months later and I had Byleth stand in her room every month for an embarrassing amount of time just pining to see her again (and then standing outside her door yelling at Seteth when he decided to Gandalf me out of the room). What sealed the deal for me (as though it wasn't sealed already) was that when Rhea DID reveal to Byleth what her past indeed was, it was just so... circular? Rhea, though Byleth could not remember, was the first person she had ever met. And as someone who was obsessed with mythology as a child, the idea of an immortal being being directly involved in the existence of a human's life and then by chance they meet years later and fall in love???? It checks SO many boxes for me. Now they can be immortal and in love together forever byeeeee

What are your favorite things about the ship?: I feel like I already gushed about so many of them in the first paragraph. But I will say this: I love how Byleth is very quiet, but the words she does say are to the point and meaningful. And I love how Rhea, too, is quiet. She finds peace in the sounds that find their ways passing through her environment. I feel like Rhea listens to Byleth's silences as though they were words. I like how they can exist beside one another with few words, in comfortable silence, and find peace and contentment at each other's sides. I love how Rhea loves to feel worshiped and praised and yet she can become so small and shy if Byleth just looks at her in a certain way. And I love how Rhea, this nearly unchangeable 1,000 year old being, changes not FOR Byleth, but because of her, and becomes malleable yet again to the changes of time.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?: Rhea can be very, VERY unhealthy. Very unhealthy towards Byleth. I don't believe the person she was when Byleth returned to Garreg Mach was a healthy person for Byleth to be with, and I believe that there was a HUGE imbalance of power and knowledge that could have potentially created a very dangerous situation for Byleth, whether Rhea intended for it to be so or not (I don't believe Rhea had any conscious intention of doing anything outside of nurturing Byleth). In order for Rhea and Byleth to have a healthy relationship, imo, Rhea needs to do a lot of self work and reflection even outside of recognizing that Byleth is not Sothis, and that Sothis is Dead dead. Don't get me wrong, I love them DEARLY (clearly, they're like all that I think about) but I feel like I'd like it more if the FIVE of us that ship them could talk more about Rhea's flaws in their relationship because like there is so much plot potential thereeeeee.

Marianne/Hilda

AMAZINGLY ENOUGH: I do not ship it. Well, I do, but probably not in the way you imagine.

Why don’t you ship it?: Here is my main reason: I can not headcanon, under like any circumstance, that Hilda is ANYTHING other than Aroace. I think she is a noble girl who was spoiled rotten and grew up with an idealized picture of romance and turned it into a sort of game. She is GREAT at flirting, UNCHALLENGED when it comes to winning the eye of suitors, but literally no one ever does it for her. I don't think Hilda can love strongly in a romantic way, but I DO think she can love strongly in the way of friendship. I DO however ship them VERY HARD in the terms of a QPR. I want them to get married so that Hilda can steal Marianne away from her shitty step father. And I want them to be rich roommates and live unbothered together forever.

What would have made you like it?: If I could see Hilda as having any sexual or romantic inclinations like at ALL.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?: I LOVE them together SO MUCH. I only want them both to be in each other's lives for the rest of their lives literally all of my feelings about them are positive.

[creative-lampd-liberties]

Who's ready for another essay, lol.

There's a comic making rounds that takes exception to classifying Janus as part of self preservation. I understand why, op thinks self-preservation is a more socially acceptable trait than selfishness and therefore robs him of his purpose. I'm not going to link it, or tag the op, because this isn't meant to be an argument against them.

 I just want to be very clear that that is not in any way what I am saying, when I say Janus is self-preservation. I am saying that selfishness and self-preservation are the same thing. I am saying that self preservation is an inherently selfish trait and that that is not a bad thing.

Yes, even when Virgil does it. In a life or death situation, we do not flee or fight for anyone but ourselves. We freeze to hide, to keep ourselves safe no matter the cost. I mean to say that when it comes down to the wire, Virgil would lie just as easily as Janus. Remember, his instinct is also responsible for the fawn response.

My purpose in saying Janus is the more conscious, front brain aspect of self preservation is two fold. Firstly to point out that his actions are by necessity, deliberate. Social standing is a safety net. You need people to like you, to care about you, in order to get your needs met. You need to be well regarded by at least some people in order to thrive. Janus is the part of self preservation that assesses every single interaction Thomas has, to see which actions have the highest benefit to him. To weigh Thomas's needs or wants in the moment against his future standing and encourage him to act accordingly. 

This is why Deceit plays so highly in his nature. Sometimes, if you take objectionable actions (like being visibly selfish) society will reject you. What do you do when you still need to take those actions to be happy and healthy? You lie. You lie to your friend so they won't be hurt, you lie about why you missed a social event, you lie about a fundamental aspect of your personality; to preserve the illusion of being someone who is never objectionable. (A thing that is not actually possible to be, btw)

My second reason is to point out why Janus put so much pressure on the wedding situation. And that is because Virgil had overstepped the balance between the conscious and unconscious parts of self-preservation, although not intentionally. Because Thomas was doing the work to understand his anxiety, he was being more heedful of Virgil's threat assessments. He is bordering on fawning behavior recently and he isn't even aware that that's what he's doing. He doesn't want people to be mad at him. Not because he's a wonderfully selfless human, but because people being mad at him makes him feel unsafe.

Add to that, Roman’s uncertainty, Patton's black and white view of lying, and Logan's input being routinely drowned out and you have Thomas in an absolutely unhealthy place, mentally.

Janus probably didn't actually give a single fuck whether or not Thomas lied to Lee and Mary Lee. He just wanted Thomas to assess the situation, make the decision most beneficial to himself, and carry it out in a way that kept him safe. Thomas wanted to go to the callback. Thomas needs to seize more opportunities for economic stability. The best choice for Thomas, rationally, was to go to the callback. Janus wanted him to recognize his own needs and put himself first and he wanted him to do it with complete conscious awareness. He went about it in the least effective manner possible, but I digress.

He wants Thomas to understand why lying and being selfish are not only not bad, but actively necessary. He wants him to be honest with himself, even when he's not honest with anyone else, because you can't effectively maintain your boundaries if you don't know what they are or why you need them.

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts about why Janus's plans backfired on him and why his approach didn't gain him any ground until Thomas was in crisis, but suffice to say it's not because selfishness is bad or Janus was acting against his function. When I say Janus is self-preservation I mean to say that he is integral to Thomas's survival and he's done a damn good job so far even when he isn't heeded. I mean that I see him; in all of his Selfish, Self Centered, "Thomas First" Glory; and I love him for it.