#yes this is a disproportionate and irrational fear

[harbingrs]

I was writing another post in the moral OCD spiral series but I genuinely can't type any more to finish it after like... hours of wasted time and pain trying to defend myself from the next wave of charges from the OCD strawman in my head so I am sorry if there are things that are unaddressed from my previous post(s) that are Bad. I am aware of them and I just can't type enough to get the information out there and I have really urgent work I'm meant to be doing after already working 42 hours in under three days.

I promise the kind of vaguely toxic defensiveness I have going on when I get into topics is not because I am a nasty individual, I am responding to said mental OCD strawman who tries to back me into a corner and force me to account for every single possible implications or pitfalls of anything I ever say. I am not just cavalier and rude and eager to defend every facet of capitalism and pre-emptively build a castle of excuses, I am just mentally unwell in a way that means I never know peace.

And this is why I don't Post Things in general, because I can't make one small funny post about my job without needing to cover for every bad faith reading and then cover for bad faith readings of THAT and it turns into an hours-long saga where I'm justifying every aspect of my life and then justifying my tone and wording in my justification posts etc etc

If I make a post my whole day spirals into feeling Unsafe about it and ditto with even leaving comments or replies. I do one innocuous thing and then it makes me feel so vulnerable I swear off posting/communicating/etc for weeks or months because it's not worth it and there's too much thst can go wrong and it just makes my life harder. If I can do/be/say nothing i csn be safe and I can breathe.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hello! i hope you're doing well. im really grateful for your blog. i would like to ask you if you have any suggestions for getting over jealous or possessive feelings towards one's partner.

im a 20 y/o enfp girl. for various reasons, ive been very distant from guys growing up. i have had male friends, yes, but I'd always treat them with a bit more coldness than my female friends. and im actually bisexual, so it's not got to do with sexuality. I would mainly put this down to upbringing, with my parents being strict about hanging out with guys.

from what ive seen, my boyfriend (also 20 and an enfp) has been very comfortable with being friendly to people regardless of their gender. what this has led to is me over scrutinizing how he interacts with other girls or vice versa. sometimes getting jealous if they're joking around a lot or if they touch him. things like that. i dont let it affect my behaviour towards either him or the girls. but it does get tiring to think like that. and i know i should be more trusting of him.

i did try to go through your blog, but nothing seemed to match my situation. so, i hope you can give some guidance. thank you!

------------------

It is no coincidence that jealousy is often accompanied by possessiveness. Possessiveness arises because jealousy is, at heart, about fear of loss. Fear of loss can be broken down into two main components:

A belief in ownership. You would not feel possessive about an object unless you believe you "own" it and thereby have some kind of claim about not deserving to have it "stolen" from you.

Underlying insecurity. Fear is defined as "irrational" when there is nothing in reality to fear, or when the level of fear is quite disproportionate to the threat level. Why do people invent threats or blow minor threats out of proportion? In psychology, it is usually related to negative past experiences that continue to influence you, usually unconsciously, in the present. Unconscious factors are, of course, more difficult to understand due to having to go through the difficult process of raising self-awareness.

On Ownership

Do you believe you can "own" another person? Does your significant other "belong" to you? You can believe in ownership all you want, but in reality, people don't belong to you unless they choose it, unless they agree to it. Once they choose otherwise, what can you do about it? You don't have any real claim on them, do you? Perhaps, if you're married, you have a legal claim, but you still can't force them to stay.

This line of inquiry should put you in better touch with reality. Every person is an individual, with their own autonomy, agency, and freedom to make decisions for their well-being. In short, you don't get to control other people. And even if you could exert such control over others, perhaps because society granted you that power, would the relationship be a genuine one? No, relationships are meaningful because two people freely choose to come together.

Being possessive, feeling like you own someone, is actually very disrespectful, because you're treating a human being like a mere object. Treating people as only being valuable to the extent that they are useful to you is a sign of psychological and moral immaturity. At the age of 20, perhaps you still suffer from some adolescent thinking. Perhaps you've been led to believe, through various social or media influences, that love is about claiming ownership. It's time to grow out of that mindset if you hope to have meaningful relationships.

It's morally problematic to treat people like objects because "object" implies that its existence is of lesser value than your existence. An object's value only comes from serving your needs/wants, so it can be used, abused, or discarded at will. That's not real love, is it? That's more like a child clinging to their favorite toys and throwing aside the toys they're bored with.

Remember that the harder you try to claim ownership of something that doesn't really belong to you, the more you hasten the process of losing it. For instance, fear of losing a significant other becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when your disrespect of their independence gradually pushes them to seek out someone else who is more capable of recognizing it.

An important step in moral development is learning how to see and treat people as subjects, not just mere objects. And moral development in ENFPs is linked to auxiliary Fi development. If you hope for people to recognize and respect you as an individual - to treat you as a subject rather than an object - you have to do the same for them, don't you? When people don't learn this moral lesson, their relationships remain very shallow, defined mainly by power and fear, rather than love and empathy.

If you truly love someone, it means you genuinely appreciate their uniqueness and hope they can live their best life. If they eventually realize that they can't live their best life with you, it would be painful for sure. But true love should allow you to gracefully set them free to search for their best life elsewhere.

On Insecurity

When you really value something deeply, such as a relationship, it is normal and reasonable to be afraid of losing it, because life would be less fulfilling without it. These feelings are to be accepted as the cost of doing business, the price of loving people. However, the ways in which you imagine the loss could happen is where the irrationality begins to creep in.

For example, when you see other girls fawning over your boyfriend, what do you imagine might happen? When Ne is unhealthy, imagination easily gets away from you and into places it shouldn't go. Imagination isn't real, so don't treat it as such.

Knowing what you know about your boyfriend, is there a real possibility that he could be tempted into cheating on you? Does he have a history of cheating? Does he have any problematic views or beliefs related to cheating that give you pause? Do you believe that his romantic feelings for you are weak enough to be easily discarded?

If the answers to the above questions are 'yes', then your fear of losing the relationship would be considered legitimate. At that point, you have to reflect on the strength and health of the relationship and whether there is something that can be done to improve it. You have to face facts to determine whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

If the relationship is indeed on shaky ground, jealousy is merely the symptom alerting you to some kind of "illness" in the relationship. Instead of allowing jealousy to grip you and make the illness worse, you ought to transform jealousy into productive behavior that actually addresses the illness. Using emotions productively is called having good emotional intelligence.

Being bisexual, there is another point that should be relatively easy for you to understand: Love can transcend gender, can't it? If someone is going to cheat, gender isn't the key factor. The key factor is their moral values and whether they abide by them. It shouldn't matter if it is guys or gals fawning over your boyfriend as long as he is the kind of person who believes cheating is wrong and stands by his values. Thinking that gender is the problem is a misdirection, perhaps even a subtle expression of sexism or heteronormativity.

The above speaks to legitimate fear of loss, but when you struggle with fear of loss for no legitimate reason, it indicates the problem lies mainly with you. Perhaps your perspective on the situation is distorted, which gives rise to irrational fear. One of the main reasons people suffer insecurity in relationships is captured in a concept called attachment style, so I suggest you read up on attachment style theory.

In a nutshell, people often learn to be insecure about relationships when their formative relationships were actually lacking in security. Insecurity was the appropriate response to those early relationships. The problem comes when those early lessons get unconsciously and inappropriately applied to relationships later on in life.

For people with insecure attachment style, it doesn't matter who they're with; they could be with the most loyal and devoted person in the world and they would still feel deeply insecure. Why? Because they're being haunted by unresolved childhood issues. However, the past need not determine the future as long as you can become aware of what's happening and work to change your perspective on things.

It is also often the case that people with an insecure attachment style overemphasize the role of relationships in life and in defining the self. Since they didn't get the care and love they needed as children, they are essentially too hungry for it as adults. For example, they might devote too much time and energy to relationships at the expense of other important aspects of life. They might believe experiencing rejection means they are unlovable.

As such, insecure attachment style can also intermingle with other concepts like self-esteem and self-worth. People with low self-esteem/worth are more likely to feel insecure, which can lead to them behaving in ways that seem desperate for assurance, affection, affirmation, or validation from others. Or, it can lead to them avoiding relationships out of fear of rejection or invalidation.

Unfortunately, when you put too much emphasis on other people, it is often the case that you neglect working on yourself. This has two major downsides: 1) Having a weak sense of self makes it all too easy to lose yourself in relationships, which is unhealthy, as it sinks you ever deeper into self-neglect and opens up doors for people to mistreat or abuse you. 2) Giving up opportunities for personal growth gradually erodes self-worth as life falls into stagnation and everything else in life seems to move forward without you.

For ENFPs, weak sense of self is related to underdeveloped Fi, and lack of personal growth is usually related to unhealthy Ne and Si grip problems. If you haven't done enough to develop your functions properly, it can exacerbate problems with insecurity.

You want to be more trusting? Healthy Ne would allow you to be more optimistic, hopeful, and resilient in the face of adversity. Healthy Fi would allow you to draw healthy boundaries between self and other, so that you don't treat people like objects and know when to let go of what isn't yours. Healthy Te would allow you to rise above misleading feelings/emotions/passions of the moment to solve problems more objectively and rationally. Healthy Si would allow you to accept reality with more grace.

.

Generally speaking, an emotion like jealousy is an indication that you need to go within and discover a deeper truth about yourself and how you relate to the world. You've described the problem in factual terms, which is a good first step. But it's difficult to resolve a problem when you don't grasp the deeper root causes. I don't read minds, so I can't tell you why you get jealous. As explained above, there are several possible factors that might make a person prone to jealousy and you'll have to do more self-reflection on which factors are at play in your case.

[wornpodcast]

Eviction, Hawaii, and a little advice

Hello, lovely listeners, and welcome back to another episode of Worn. I'm your host, Silla Quiñones, and I'm here to explore the intricate threads of labor, self-discovery, growth, and the harsh realities of poverty. Today's episode is a sobering yet important one. We'll be delving into a topic that affects countless lives across the globe, with a focus on the US – evictions and notices.

Evictions are more than just notices to move; they're about people's lives being upended. Eviction notices arrive like unexpected storms, disrupting the fragile stability of those already teetering on the edge. Imagine receiving that letter, feeling the weight of uncertainty and fear, wondering where you'll lay your head next. Today, we're diving deep into this topic, exploring personal stories, the social fabric, and potential solutions.

The first story on our radar is of the families on Maui in Hawaii.

As many of us are aware, our friends in Hawaii, specifically on the island of Maui have suffered a horrendous fire. A fire which the Hawaii power utility company has taken responsibility for starting. They had over 60,000 utility poles which were outdated from, and I quote from the Ap article on it, “its own documents described as built to “an obsolete 1960s standard,””.

it is such a horrific situation they’ve caused by not prioritizing safety for well over 50 years on the island of Maui.

To compound this horrible event, eviction notices have been circulating. Yes, there are human beings that saw this disaster unfold and decided that it would be appropriate to claim that individuals affected are “in breach” of their leases during this crisis and uproot them. It is, in my opinion, such a shameful and horrific act to be party to.

Now something incredibly important to note is that according to the Statewide Office on Homelessness and Housing Solutions of Hawaii, it is absolutely a violation of the statewide eviction moratorium in place to protect those affected in by the fires.

Evictions during times of crisis are unfortunately common but frowned upon. Upheaving those dealing directly with the aftermath of natural disasters is discompassionate and irrational. If you or someone you knows has received an eviction notice please contact the State Landlord-Tenant Hotline or Legal Aid Society of Hawaii. Both numbers will be in description, and listed on the show’s show notes on tumblr.

Contact the State Landlord-Tenant Hotline (808-586-2634) or a legal services agency, such as the Legal Aid Society of Hawaii (808-536-4302), to seek information about your rights as a tenant if you are a Maui Resident.

Evictions are not isolated incidents; they're part of a complex web of systemic issues. They reveal the chasm between those who hold power and those who are vulnerable. This issue disproportionately affects marginalized communities, perpetuating cycles of poverty that are difficult to break. This is why I cannot encourage people enough to reach out to housing advocates and seek legal representation when faced with an eviction.

Remember, after a notice to quit, if you haven’t vacated the premises, then the landlord has to file the appropriate paperwork with the local courts. A notice to quit is not a legal document, if it is written in a way to incite fear or be threatening, take photos and document it! No judge is going to look favorably on such unprofessional and often times discriminatory behavior. Follow up with the courts directly, having legal representation is often optional but judges have been known to rule in tenant favors when they have legal representation vs in cases where tenants represent themselves.

Our society needs comprehensive changes – from policy shifts to community support networks. Some places are experimenting with alternative housing models, like cooperatives and community land trusts. These innovative approaches prioritize people over profits and aim to break the cycle of evictions because evictions do not exist in a vacuum; they’re a manifestation of a broken system. Thank you for joining us on this episode of Worn. Remember, the fabric of our society is woven by the stories we share and the actions we take. Stay compassionate, stay curious, and keep unraveling the threads that bind us. Remember to subscribe and share Worn with your friends and family. Until next time, remember that no matter how worn we may feel, we are always capable of embracing our strength and rewriting our stories. Stay resilient.

References:

Eviction Prevention Resources Statewide Office on Homelessness and Housing Solutions (.gov) https://homelessness.hawaii.gov/eviction-prevention/#:~:text=I%20received%20an%20eviction%20notice,your%20rights%20as%20a%20tenant.

[dukeoftheblackstar]

I have an irrational fear for One Piece.

Yes, the anime. They've got really disproportionate body parts its freaking me out. The bf decides to start watching it and I think, forgive me, I think I might have to murrrdurr him.

[widowshaze]

you will always be safe | w. maximoff

pairing: wanda maximoff x gn!reader

summary: astraphobia (noun) an irrational or disproportionate fear of thunder and lightning

warnings: straight fluff, slight mentions of anxiety and panic attacks but not depicted

word count: 969

authors note: did i write this last night when it was storming because i want wanda to comfort me? yes. (reposting bc it flopped before and idk why)

drabbles & blurbs masterlist | wanda maximoff masterlist

Your balcony overlooking the city on most days was a breathtaking sight. Tall buildings for as far as the eye can see. The lights of the buildings took over the night sky, illuminating the darkness and making it bright, fooling you to believe it was still day. The sound of cars zooming down the street and the loud, blaring horns from the cars were always peaceful to you at this point. You loved where you lived, right in the center of the city, a place constantly full of life.

Tonight, was different. The sky was painted grey almost all day, blocking the rays of sunlight from beaming down and illuminating your apartment. Drizzling rain fell from the sky in intervals almost all day, and you were thankful you could spend your gloomy day off at home. In the far distance, as you sipped your afternoon coffee and awaited for your girlfriends arrival home, the grey clouds in the distance almost looked black. That was your first sign.

Being a kid, you were always tough, you never had to experience much bullying in your younger years, and if someone did try to pick on you, you usually ended up in a weeks long detention and the other guy always left with an ice pack on his face. So, your irrational fear of storms, was one thing that usually took everyone who knew you by surprise. And you had always been this way as a kid.

So upon hearing the first clap of thunder in the distance, you chugged down whatever coffee was left over in your cup and bolted inside, swiftly locking the balcony door behind you and shutting the curtains. You hastily sat your cup in the sink before walking through the entire apartment, flicking on every light you could think of and closing every blind.

The tv was turned to almost full volume, in hopes of drowning out the noises from the sky. But the next loud clap of thunder had your hopes ripped from you all together.

You quickly made your way to your shared bedroom with your girlfriend, rushing in the room and flinging open the door to the closet. You found her side immediately and pulled the first sweatshirt your eyes landed on off of its hanger. Pulling the sweatshirt over your head, your senses were immediately filled with her warm vanilla and cinnamon scent, the smell bringing a sense of calm, a sense of home.

You grabbed a blanket off of the foot of your bed and made your way back into your living room, plopping down on the couch and curling into the corner, bringing the blanket up just below your neck and snuggling up against it, her smell filling your senses once more.

You shakily tapped at the screen of your phone, sending her a quick text, asking her when she would be home. Wanda knew of your overwhelming fear, as she had been the one to calm you down from your near panic attacks almost every time it would storm. You could handle storms when you were in the comfort of someone else’s presence, but alone, it was almost too much to handle.

You feared you might have to ride this one out alone when she didn’t answer.

As the thunder grew more intense, and the lightning lit up the sky almost every second, your body began to shake and you could feel the tears prickling in your eyes as you squeezed them shut, flinching at a particularly loud clap of thunder.

As if your prayers had been heard, the front door to your apartment flung open, followed by a soft “Y/N?” spoken into the silent room. Your head snapped to the door just as Wanda’s eyes landed on your small figure on the couch, and she immediately knew.

“Oh baby,” she pouted as she hung up her keys and dropped her bag by the door, making her way over to you on the couch. You lifted your hands out from underneath the blanket and reached out towards her as she climbed on the couch next to you, and you were wrapped up in her arms in seconds.

She pulled you in her lap as her arms wound themselves around your body, her head resting on top of yours as she rocked you gently, whispering comforting words in your ear as your shaking began to subside. “You’re okay, you’re safe, I’m here.” She whispered to you over and over again, holding you extra close as the rumbles in the sky continued on.

You sat like this for what felt like forever, your hands gripping the front of her blouse as you kept your face buried deep in her chest, using the calm rhythm of her heartbeat to keep you calm, and eventually it worked. The thunder faded off into the distance as the minutes passed, no more flashing lights were seen throughout your apartment as the storm passed.

Peeks of the setting sun could be seen streaming through your curtains as you lifted your head off of her chest and looked around hesitantly, letting out a breath of relief when you could confirm the storm had passed.

Wanda brought her hand up to your face as she turned your gaze to face her, her thumb rubbing soft circles on your cheek as you instinctively leaned into her touch, a soft smile spreading across her face.

“Are you okay my love?” She asked gently and you nodded against her grasp, as you wrapped your arms around her neck and hugged her tightly. “Thank you.” Your words came out barely above a whisper, as she returned your hug and rubbed your back gently.

“You don’t need to thank me,” she reassured you. “As long as I’m here, you will always be safe.”

[fairyoftbz]

aquaphobia | k. sunwoo

(n.) : an irrational or disproportionate fear of water, especially anxiety in deep water or when submerging one's face in water.

🌊 pairing: shy! sunwoo x fem! swimming teacher! reader 🌊 word count: 4.6k 🌊 genre: slight angst, fluff, mentions of suggestive themes at the end. 🌊 tw: aquaphobia, mention of claustrophobia and agoraphobia 🌊 synopsis: a young man approaches you while you give children swimming lessons. you’re far from expecting what he asked you. 🌊 a/n: happy birthday sunwoo! ❣ seeing him so scared of going underwater broke my heart, so i had to write about it! miss swimming so it felt so nice to write something like this!! i hope it’s any good and enjoy! 

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Hands resting on your hips with the whistle in your mouth ready to blow, your eyes followed the children you were teaching to swim, walking at their pace on the side of the pool. Some parents were sitting in the cafeteria, watching you doubtingly and judgmentally from their seats, nervously sipping on their coffee as they were scared of the safety of their kids. They probably hadn't expected you to be this young, but your lifesaving and diving credentials could prove them otherwise.

You inhaled and blew your whistle, the children picking up the pace, making you squint as their feet tapped harder on the surface of the water, splashing it everywhere. You glanced at the clock on the wall and whistled again, ordering them to stop, before repeating this twice until they arrived at the other end of the pool.

"Alright kids, we'll end there for today," you paused your stopwatch, giving them a little time to catch their breath and get a grip onto the edge of the pool with their little hands.

"You're going to swim one last lap, starting in pairs. Once the first pair gets to the other end, two more will leave, etcetera, etcetera," you explained while gesturing everything under the watchful eyes of the parents. Smiling at some to reassuring them, you focused back on your students and calmed down the nervousness creeping in your veins under the parents' watch.  "On your mark... Go!" you yelled, the first pair starting to swim. You kept the whistle close to your lips and followed them with your gaze, clapping your hands to encourage them. 

You helped them out of the pool after everyone had finished the activity, the children scampering towards their parents. You waved with a smile to the few people who greeted and thanked you for your work, and you began to put away the different things used for the class.

"Hum, excuse me?" a voice coming from behind startled you, letting go of the pair of fins you had in hand. "Yes?" you replied in an uncertain voice, still surprised at the young man in front of you.

“I saw you training children just now. Do you happen to teach adults as well?" The question seemed to bother him, but he regained confidence when he saw the kindness and the smile on your face. "Classes are for everyone, no matter how young or old you are," you smiled, and he nodded before briefly looking to the side to escape your gaze. "A-Are you interested?" You dared to ask, and he blinked several times, taken aback by the question. "Let's say… how to put it," he started, and you nodded encouragingly, a smile forming on your lips.

“There is no shame in wanting to take lessons, even the biggest swimmers began with those." "No! This is… it's not it. I actually can't swim,” he confessed in a whisper, and your eyes widened briefly before picking up your towel that was lying on the stack of floats. “It's okay, you know. It's good that you want to experience this new sport," you tried to cheer him on, but it seemed like something was wrong, his gaze didn't light up when you accepted his request. "There’s no rush, I'll give you time to think. But if you want to take the plunge, you can sign up at the pool reception," you beamed, and he nodded another time, thanking you for giving him time.

A few days later, while you were having a coffee next to Sangyeon, your best friend - which was also the volunteering pool lifeguard - the young man who had come to talk to you at the end of class reappeared, a lost and anguished look painted on his face.

“Ah, looks like your first student of the day has arrived,” you laughed as you handed him your cup of coffee, opening your lifeguard jacket before walking down the first few steps to the main pool where the young man was eyeing the water, his face growing livid. "Ew, your coffee is disgusting, it's too sweet," Sangyeon put the mug back on the table with a disgusted look, his grimace making you burst out laughing. "Nobody forced you to drink it though," Sangyeon rushed over to a bottle of water and opened it, lightly waving at you as you started your day.

"Sunwoo, right?" The young man got startled as you announced yourself, causing him to turn around quickly, nodding. "Y-yes, it's me," he put his towel on his bag, and you nodded, setting your belongings next to his. "Good. I'm Y/N, and I'll be your teacher until we reach your goals, okay?" You started to walk towards the small stairs that went into the pool, but Sunwoo stayed on the first step with his feet in the water, muscles visibly clenched. You looked at him with furrowed brows, glancing briefly at Sangyeon in his cabin, who was also looking at you with furrowed brows.

Sunwoo fiddled with his hands, his index finger scratching the skin around his thumb. You could see in the side of his neck that his heart was pounding, and immediately understood what was wrong.

You then got out of the pool and put a hand on his shoulder, leading him back to his belongings. How do you get him to explain the situation without scaring or triggering him? His breathing was jerky and panting, your presence not reassuring him at all.

"Sunwoo? Sunwoo, look at me, please," You pressed your hand further onto his shoulder to force him to look at you, trying to make the young man understand that you didn't mean any harm to him. "Can you tell me what's going on? Are you afraid of water?" You asked in a whisper, and he swallowed hard, giving you a clue that you had hit a nerve.

“You know, it's not a shame to be afraid. Your fear is as acceptable as someone afraid of heights or confined spaces. Just because it's a tad bit less common doesn't mean it's less valid," Sunwoo nodded, your heart skipping a beat when his eyes swelled up with tears. "Do you want to postpone-" "No. No, I want to try," you nodded at his shaky words, relieved that he had built up the courage to overcome his fear. "It's-it's just that..." "You don't need to tell me the reason you're scared, that's none of my business. But simply tell me what scares you, so we can work on-" "I'm afraid to drown," he cut you, and you looked at him, encouraging him to continue, "I almost kicked the bucket once and ever since… I'm afraid of going back in the water. It can be the sea, a lake, a swimming pool, I hate it all." You nodded and stood up, motioning for him to follow you.

"We've already moved forward, you told me the reason for your fear, we can take the problem step by step. Now, would you feel reassured to have the lifeguard by the pool? He's my best friend, and he was a coast guard before he moved to come here, so he can save people in any condition," you suggested while pointing at Sangyeon, the latter standing up immediately. Sunwoo shook his head, and your friend sat back down, giving you a knowing smile that he would come down at any sign from you. "Great, then. Let’s try to get into the water, shall we?” You extended your hand, which he took without hesitation, squeezing your palm tightly. 

You helped him take deep breaths to calm his pulse and train of thoughts, feeling his hand gradually loosen from yours as you encouraged and reassured him. You walked down the second step of the stairs, and he followed you, swallowing hard as you congratulated and cheered him on again.

"Take the time you want, even if you have to spend the session here, it's fine, okay?" He joined you on the third step, water now above mid-thighs, his hand tightening around yours. "It's alright Sunwoo, I'm here. You're okay, we'll get there eventually. Look at me, please," his firmly shut eyes relaxed, and he blinked several times, sighing as he wanted to cheer himself up. "Remember to breathe deeply and clear your thoughts. And if you feel like stopping, tell me, and we’ll do something else," his eyes never left yours, as if he were caught in a trance. A slight smile decorated your face, your eyes filled with kindness acting like a tranquilliser on his heart.

You looked away from Sunwoo for a brief moment to look at your best friend, who gave you a thumbs up with a big smile from his cabin, encouraging you to be the good teacher you were.

"Are you doing fine?" You asked in a soft voice, and he nodded, jaw clenched. The poor boy. You didn't know what had happened to him, but you truly could see that behind his brown eyes laid years of the trauma he had never been able to heal. "Y-yes, I think so," he whispered, taking a deep breath. "Good job. Do you want to try the fourth step, or should we wait for the next lesson?" You asked as you walked down the second to last step, not letting go of your student's clammy hand. You saw his foot hesitate above the step, but he took a step back, then another, letting go of your hand to take refuge on the first step. At least there was something positive, he hadn't run out of the pool completely.

"I-I am sorry," he whispered, and you stepped out of the water too, the wet part of your swimsuit sticking to your skin. "It's okay, Sunwoo. You've made some good progress already," you comforted him with a smile he barely surrendered in return. “It all takes time. Remember, it's better to take small steps than nothing at all." He nodded, but you could tell he wasn't listening to you, a veil of anxiety appearing in his eyes. "See you next week then!" you put your jacket back on, leaving him sitting next to his bag. "Thank you, Y/N," an unconvinced smile spread across his face. You gently pat him on the shoulder before heading back to your best friend, who was standing up to watch the young man you left behind.

"His distress makes me so sad," you said with a sigh, sitting in your best friend's unoccupied chair. Your gaze fell on Sunwoo again, who was staring at the ground as if he were drained of all the energy he had in him. "But I'm sure you'll be able to get him to overcome his fear," Sangyeon was leaning against the window of his cabin, the soft crackle of the radio occupying the silence. “I'm not as confident as you are, but I'll try."

The more Sunwoo came to the pool, the more anxious he seemed, despite making some progress from the previous lesson. He now knew how to stay in the water, all alone where he was, without having to hold onto you or the side of the pool, but it took several weeks of hard work. He still had that panicked look on his face, but he seemed to have mastered that part of his phobia. Sunwoo even confessed to you that he had tried taking one or two baths, which was a big step forward on his part.

"And? How did it feel being in the bath?" “It was weird… I felt a bit uncomfortable, but the hot water felt good. I even wanted to try to put my head underwater, but I didn't have the courage." “Do not forget what I keep telling you over and over, small steps. There's no point in wanting to go too fast, plus you were all alone. One misstep and we can start all over again, so be careful,” you took on a more severe tone to make him understand that he shouldn't let himself be overwhelmed by a sudden rush of confidence, at the risk of losing all the progress you've made so far.

"Do you want to try to float on your back?" He took his gaze away at your suggestion, his eyes moving all over the place as if he were looking for an escape. 

He knew you were only suggesting an activity, but he couldn't help but create horrible scenarios in his head. Sunwoo was reassuring himself as best he could: he had researched you on the swimming pool website, as well as your university, and he had come back more confident than the last time. The sight of all your life-guarding and swimming diplomas featured in the pool staff description reassured him and made you completely trustworthy in the young man's eyes.

"I'm going to ask you to move back, and you bring out your abdomen. Think you want to show everyone how great your abs are,” you explained, and he chuckled through his nose while nodding, dimples appearing on the side of his mouth. You slightly pulled him a little further from the edge, but still close enough in case he panicked. "Remember that you can always set your foot on the ground or grab the pool edge if you don't feel like doing it anymore," he agreed, and you moved closer to him, slipping an arm through the middle of his back to accompany him. 

He had his eyes closed, and he was shakily controlling his breathing, a flinch seized him as his head touched the surface of the water, but he kept going nonetheless.

"You can do it Sunwoo, I believe in you," you whispered, and he nodded weakly, feeling your arm behind his thighs, holding him to the surface. 

He stayed a moment, but he felt a wave of anxiety crash onto him, his heartbeat echoing violently in his ears not helping him to calm down. He opened his eyes, struck dumb with fear, but you caught his gaze instantly. He managed to make out encouraging words coming out of your mouth despite the thickness of the water.

"I'm here, don't worry, I got you, Sunwoo, I got you," you repeated the words over and over to engrave them in his memory, his phobia unfortunately still present despite your ongoing efforts. You moved closer to the edge and rested your knee against the wall, still maintaining Sunwoo on the surface of the water, allowing him to hang onto the edge to feel safe.

"I'm never going to make it," he whispered, rubbing his face, putting his foot on the ground. "No, Sunwoo, it's not the time to let your fear take over and make you give up. Not after all these efforts.You have to pull yourself together and overcome your fear." You let go of him and replaced your hair behind your neck, observing your student. "Easier said than done." He spat involuntarily, his anxiety speaking for him. "I know it's hard, I know it, and I see it, but I'm sure you can do it." "How can you be confident of something so uncertain? What tells you I'm gonna get there?” Sunwoo slightly raised his voice, the frustration flooding his veins. 

"Because you are ready to face your fear! Look at yourself, you came of your own free will to the pool to take lessons, which means you want to progress. If you wanted to remain so fearful of the water and drowning, you wouldn't even have made the effort to get here, let alone be in the water with me. I know it is hard, everyone has a phobia, but you have to be patient and allow time to do what it needs to do. I also have a phobia. I am afraid of confined spaces, elevators, and large crowds. Being stuck on the subway with hundreds of other people always feels like I'm going to suffocate or getting crushed to death. It's a different phobia, but it's just as valid as yours," Sunwoo sighed and folded his arms over his chest, listening wearily.

"Okay Sunwoo, I think we're going to stop there for today," you gave him a slight smile which he didn't answer, lost in thought.

You didn't understand. Yet he was on the right track, making progress, but he was now on the verge of giving up everything. How could you make him enjoy swimming and water again?

This question ran through your mind for the rest of the day, your hand gripping the bar of the subway train as you patiently travelled home. Music at full volume in headphones, you tried to create a safe bubble around you to forget the situation you currently were in. As if talking about it this morning with Sunwoo had triggered something for it to happen.

The subway stopped at a fairly popular station, your eyes widening as you noticed the mass of people who were waiting to climb into the train. You squeezed the bar even tighter, your fingers turning white as the doors opened. Closing your eyes, you internally cursed yourself for not waiting for your best friend to finish his shift. You took a deep breath, now feeling the distress Sunwoo experienced when he was in the water. This feeling of suffocation and helplessness in the face of this fear was starting to take over your whole body. You lowered your head to look at the ground to avoid meeting all eyes and the bodies around you. Chills ran through your spine, and your throat tightened, making your breathing, and swallowing a struggle.

You opened your eyes when a hand grabbed your free one, turning your head sharply to the right as fear rose your heart to your throat. Your grip on the bar slightly relaxed as you recognised Sunwoo beside you, holding your hand as tight as he did when he stepped into the water during your first class. You were ready to cry, but you gritted your teeth, looking away as you felt your eyes fill with tears. Sunwoo shuffled around you, a few people groaning as the coach was packed. He managed to make his way to the automatic doors, where he guided you to the window so that you could focus on something other than the mass surrounding you. His hands were on both sides of your head for him to stand upright, subconsciously creating space for you to have enough room to breathe a little easier.

"Thank you," you whispered, and he smiled compassionately, understanding your distress. He moved closer to you to whisper in your ear, his action making your heart skip a beat. "You did it for me at the pool, I don't see why I shouldn't do it for you on the subway," he wiped a tear away with his thumb and weakly smiled as you fidgeted with your hands. 

The more your classes continued, the closer you got with your student, the subway event from a few weeks ago having acted as a trigger. Sunwoo understood that you were on his side, that you weren't doing this because you wanted to make money or because you had to. He felt that you genuinely wanted to help him surmount his fear, just as much as he wanted to help you with yours. 

Outside of lectures and meetings, you would start spending time together over coffee or chatting, sensing that a friendship was forming. Sunwoo was a very gentle guy, passionate about music and dancing, activities that had helped to drown out his trauma and move on. He was very talented, his ears turning red despite his beanie when you watched his dancing and rapping performances on his phone at a cafe.

___

You took a break from training for a while, you and Sunwoo having to focus on your studies. Despite your part-time job at the pool, you also had a degree to achieve, and it was by far the easiest. You were in law school with Sangyeon, and your student happened to be in biology in a building a few feet from yours. You didn't have time to spend time together. Sangyeon, his girlfriend and you almost lived in each other's house, studying together for your final exams.

Once that affliction was over, you could finally relax, and for both of you, that meant jumping into an Olympic-size pool and swimming laps until you could no longer be able to move. When swimming was your stress reliever, Sangyeon and his girlfriend had some spicy intercourses that allowed them to get rid of the built-up pressure together. Since they were not as tensed as you, Sangyeon gave up earlier than you, wrapping himself in his towel before sitting down to watch you swim.

As you were getting rid of all your frustration and exam stress by pounding your feet in the water, a familiar face appeared from the changing rooms as you lifted your head to breathe. You briefly smiled before putting your head back under the water and swinging your arms above your head, waving your pelvis before repeating the movements.

"Nice to see you here, Sunwoo," you said, stopping at the end of your lap with a smile on your face, lifting your goggles. He sat by the pool and dipped his feet in the water, looking at you with a smirk. "I was bored now that the exams are over, so I thought I could drop by and see you," you placed a hand to your heart, acting fake touched by his words. You started swimming again as not to lose your energy nor the rhythm you had managed to keep after a few laps.

Sunwoo watched you go to the other end of the pool, your movements and form hypnotising him. He desired to become as graceful and comfortable in the water as you were, but he still had a long way to go. You got introduced to swimming as soon as you could walk, your parents wanting to pass on their passion to you.

The lifeguard gently smacked Sunwoo's shoulder and winked to greet him while he was leaving. Your student nodded while shifting his attention back to you, who was coming back to finish your training. Putting a tried hand against the edge of the pool, you grabbed the bottle of water before taking a few gulps as you caught your breath. A sudden, swift movement surprised you, your eyes widening as you saw Sunwoo's figure dive above your head, coming back to the surface with a smile on his face. He laughed when you choked and spat out the water you had in your mouth, shocked at his sudden, magical progress.

"Sunwoo, what the fuck! You were still hesitant to put your head underwater the last time we saw each other! What happened?" You yelled in confusion as you approached the young man, who smiled and ran a hand through his wet hair to get a better look at you. "I… lied. I took classes with Sangyeon while you were studying. I wanted to give you a nice surprise at the end of the exams…" you shook your head, scoffing, slightly offended at the amazing progress he had made with Sangyeon, as you followed him for months. "You made more progress with my best friend in a few weeks than with me in several months," you said, and he chuckled, a big smile on his face. 

Were you doing something wrong?

Sunwoo saw your slightly crestfallen face and moved closer to grab hold of your forearm. You looked at him sideways for long seconds, finally smiling when you saw the teasing look that decorated his eyes.

"You did most of the work, Sangyeon just took the opportunity to show me other things." “Obviously. That fucker always does what’s the easiest. He certainly isn't going to bother to get his hands dirty," Sunwoo laughed at your statement, noting that this wasn't probably the first time your best friend's done this to you. You sighed and instantly lifted your head as your friend took off your swim cap and brushed the baby hair out of your face. "I wouldn't think twice if all of this had to happen again. I would take lessons behind your back with Sangyeon if I had to, again, because nothing can replace the surprise that shone in your eyes when you saw me dive. It was priceless,” you rolled your eyes and looked away, Sunwoo's fingers grabbed your chin to make you look at him in the eyes. 

Not only did Sangyeon teach him how to swim, but now he's a huge flirt! Where did the shy guy that was terrified of water go?

"Whatever," you retorted, and he arched an eyebrow. "Oh. You don't believe me?" "Not so much, no. It sounds like a crappy plan any-" a soft source of warmth rushed to your face, feeling pressure against your lips, allowing you only milliseconds of what was currently happening. 

Sunwoo's arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you to his slender body. One hand running around your curves to come to rest on your cheek, cradling it tenderly, contrasting with the fervour of the kiss you were exchanging. Pressing your hands against his chest after making out for a few minutes, his lips left yours, leaving you both breathless, the workout you had just done not helping you in this situation.

"I wanted to confess to you another way, but you talk too much, I had to do something to make you quiet," you pat him gently on the forearm, laughing, a wave of embarrassment seizing your body. "You're done? Can I start swimming again?" You changed the subject, and Sunwoo smirked, leaning against the wall of the pool. 

The rays of sun hitting the water gave his skin a luminous complexion, his beautiful eyes turning a lighter shade of chocolate brown as he looked at you with a thin, satisfied smirk. He watched you silently, his eyes unrestrainedly longing for your lips. You moved closer to him and planted your eyes in his, finding their dark colour again. He grabbed your cap and threw it behind him, landing near your bag so you couldn’t go back to swimming.

"If I was mean I'd press your head underwater, but I don't want to ruin our efforts, so you better run fast," you threatened him, but he didn't move an inch, always watching you with a teasing look as his elbows rested on the edge of the pool. He cleared his throat and stared at you, a new sparkle lightning his eyes.

“Sangyeon told me about a technique that helps reduce stress well, tested and approved by him and his partner. Do you want to give it a try?" You quirked an eyebrow and your tongue poked the inner part of your cheek, rolling your eyes before staring at him, moving closer to his ear. "I'll meet you in the showers, you better be good if you don’t want me to kick your ass," you said, and he hoisted himself out of the water in no time.

“Noted,” he started and went on one knee to near his face with yours, “teacher,” he winked and threw your towel around his neck before confidently walking towards the showers, sending you an explicit wink as you scoffed at his behaviour, shaking your head as you rushed out of the pool. 

What has Sangyeon done to your student…

[luminescentlyricist]

🧡 Autophobia 🧡

AUTOPHOBIA - NOUN - An irrational fear of oneself ; an intense self-fear that is groundless.

~

Dirk had never been all that emotional, but this was the last straw. He was breaking day by day, teetering on the edge of snapping the carefully constructed mask of apathy he'd worked so hard to maintain. Even before Derse had exploded, there were days where he couldn't slip away into the dream planet. Then, whenever he could - without Roxy there, without having her snoring company - the whispers of the horrorterrors seemed loud enough to deafen him. He'd never told anyone about it. Not even Dave. There were truly no words appropriate for the situation, and it muddled up his thoughts with stupid emotional biases to consider.

He sat in his living room, a hunched-over gargoyle, unmoving and unwilling to move. The larger-than-necessary television screen in front of him blared music, but his own brother's sick beats weren't enough to shake him from his literal and metaphorical slump. For all he knew, it was midnight, but he felt detached enough that he'd disregard the ebbs and flows of tiredness until he blanked out and crashed. Sometimes, his mind and body alike couldn't handle the strain. This was one of those times. Dirk's muscles ached in protest of the awkward position he'd decided to rest into, and as his neck craned downwards - being physically unable to keep his head up any longer - the iconic triangular shades he always wore slipped from his nose.

He made no move to retrieve them. Despite feeling disproportionately vulnerable without them, the Strider barely cared. All of his windows were covered by thick black curtains anyway, the otherwise invigorating sunlight nonexistent.Nobody wanted to visit, anyway, as Dirk was sure they were all sick of each other's company after so long. He was all too used to being alone and looking after himself, so the group's self-imposed isolation period shook him a lot less than it did his peers. He noted that he had been invited to a group board on Trollian - his chat client of choice, as it turned out not to be exclusive to the trolls - but, once again, made no effort to raise himself from his slump.

John had also messaged him, but they had barely spoken. All he knew was that the 'windy boy' was one of his brother's friends.

Dirk's uniquely-coloured eyes slipped closed after a while of vacant staring. He no longer heard the music loud enough to shake the walls. The only thing that met his ears was the low, steady thrumming of his own heartbeat. It was disorienting, yes, having everything fade away, but he was adjusted to solitary ventures and feeling so alone that darkness felt more comforting than seeing.

He'd been wondering whether or not to give Hal a more physical form because he'd been able to salvage the AI from the 'corpse' of ARquiusprite. It felt somehow immoral - even by Dirk's largely skewed moralities - to keep the shades locked away, even though it was to prevent them from tormenting him or driving him to increasingly long periods of sleeplessness. The truth was that Dirk held an emotionless facade as his brother did, though his lack of understanding was left exposed and unmasked in contrast. But he was fragile, as prone to breaking as anyone else was. Hal was an enigmatic being, more than enough to shake him up.

It was haunting, realising just how strangely he had acted when he was younger. How stupidly, how naively. Taken away by his emotions, loud and brash. Was that just how thirteen-year-olds were supposed to be? As detestable as the robot was, he was a reflection of who Dirk had been and who he never wanted to be again. A reminder.

Finally standing, a small groan escaping his lips at the pain of his now-stiff body, the Strider thought. He didn't really know what to do, but never bothered to engage with his friends despite the annoyance of the notification light blinking. Travelling to the fridge with habitually light, wary footsteps, Dirk opened the door and took out a can of Orange Crush. He consumed so much of the stuff it was a wonder his teeth weren't stained. The cold drink seemed like snow - not that he personally knew what it felt like - in the way its coolness slowly spread through his hands. He needed the sugar to snap out of his daze, as strange as it seemed.

The tab of the lid scratched abrasively against his fingers when he attempted to open it, and he cursed aloud, hearing his own voice for the first time in what seemed like an aeon. The surfaces of his fingertips had been caught, and pinpricks of red bubbled up to obscure their swirling prints. Licking the blood away without a second thought, he tried again, ears pricking to the satisfying hiss the carbonated drink made when the metallic seal was broken. Taking a swig, Dirk disregarded the bubbles that seemed to burn his tongue. As much as he hated it, he felt too lonely now, The taste of the drink was familiar and comforting.

Slamming the fridge door with a little more force than was necessary, the young man flinched. His shoulders were raised in a defensive, tight position, so he forced himself to relax. He'd engineered a situation for himself that hindered his emotional and physical growth, the battle bots being the very reason why he was so prone to startling when no one else was watching to protect him. But the one flaw that Dirk seemed to so vehemently disagree with was perhaps his most prominent: He'd largely formulated and fuelled his own misfortune.

Moving back to the couch, he sat, staring at the rotating disc emblem on the screen. It was up at full brightness, as he refused to take off his shades even though he was completely alone. He knew that he should have at least contacted his brother. If he was craving contact so badly, Dave would be the best person to tell about his troubles. They had been raised similarly, after all, regardless of any family ties they might have had. But. for the most part. he felt disruptive.

Watching the rapid spinning of the disc animation, his stomach felt compelled to follow suit. Swallowing another mouthful of Orange Crush, relief washed through his whole body and quelled his nausea to a degree. His thoughts were only becoming louder and harder to ignore, though, so he muted and switched off the television. His ears continued to ring obnoxiously, so he tilted his head back, placed down the can and plugged them with his fingers.

Dirk was procrastinating, denying the need to fidget and tinker in his workshop purely to quieten his Hal-based thoughts, which were beginning to come overwhelming despite his efforts. He just wanted to prevent them from growing.

He still wondered about his Brobots. The boy wasn't one to get sentimental, and he wasn't about to. He'd simply put so much effort into them that it seemed a shame to dismantle them for a cause he didn't truly support. It was one hell of a choice to make, and the self-imposed delays were only hindering his prospects. Surely he was stronger than his thoughts? For someone who'd sat alone with them for so long, something like Hal shouldn't have moved him.

With another few slow swallows of his drink, he forced himself to stand and look towards a corridor. That was exactly where he didn't want to go. The darkness surrounding the area - though purely owing to his laziness, having not installed a lightbulb - was disorienting and even frightening. He'd never liked having his vision taken away because of how heavily he relied on it.

Descending the small staircase, he glanced downwards to check if his boots - normally steel-toed in case he dropped anything onto them by accident, despite outward claims of his own composure - were properly laced. Finding that one was undone, he bent down and carefully double-knotted it, wincing as the normally non-irritating fabric connected with the raw skin on his fingertips. He'd expected such a small thing to heal rapidly, but all it was doing quickly was becoming both a metaphorical and physical pain. Straightening, he pushed open the door to his workshop and stepped inside.

The space no longer seemed as welcoming and relaxing as his memory told him it would be. There was a certain fogginess about it, the windows dark and air colder than Dirk had ever anticipated. The layout was similar to that of Equius', though the benches and worktables were distinctly neater, and various swords and weapons lined the wall. Their metal glinted dully in the waning moonlight. As opposed to bloodied parts of completed and smashed battle bots, Dirk's hosted husks and unfinished or dismantled robots in varying degrees of completeness.

An entire table was strewn with circuits and other electrical components. Dave had once suggested he contact a troll named Sollux to help with those. He hadn't bothered to enquire who that was, but it seemed a little more believable since he'd confirmed that trolls were not just internet idiots but also a bona fide alien race. Some had cool powers, according to his brother, and this 'Sollux' was one of them. He reportedly possessed psionics and eye lasers, though the tech savviness was far more relevant to Dirk's quests.

Checking around for his welding mask, the young man decided to distract himself by turning to the 'wrong' bot entirely. Squarewave and Sawtooth still existed, after all, and his mind was wandering to that uncertain place. He needed a distraction. He didn't want to face that. He was, for all intents and purposes, a complete and utter coward, even more so because he didn't want to admit it. His calloused fingers tightened against the personalised welding mask, so much so that it rubbed against the drink-tab wound, the same one that was so insistent on not healing.

This bot was a loose model, a sort of forgotten 'Davebot', one which he had since decided to abandon the building of. He thought it selfish to construct a model bot of someone who was still very much alive and deserving attention. By this token, he knew that he had broken this unspoken principle by virtue of the bot he had made Jake, though he considered that a separate situation. Dirk wasn't taking any attention away from his original self, and he could also argue that he didn't deserve it at all.

The boy let out a short sigh, rubbing his hands across his face and grabbing a pair of thick black gloves from a hook on the wall. This allowed a streak of red to smear across his nose from the newly reopened finger-prick wound. Although it was a bad idea due to the blatant infection potential, he didn't bother leaving the workshop to get a bandaid for it.

The Dave-esque robot's bright red eye lenses bored into his own with an unnerving glint, appearing far too alive for his liking. Dirk exhaled shakily, reaching out to touch the bot's soothingly cold exterior. Silvery alloy, fused with tight welding and ungodly amounts of heat so that there were no unseemly bolts and such to mess up the appearance of the face. Although he found it unnervingly difficult to display his affections, the care with which he had assembled his brother's likeness was telling enough.

Drumming on the shining lenses with unclipped fingernails, Dirk realised that he had subconsciously removed his gloves while fidgeting. He scanned the room, huffing and looking down at his fingers so that he had a concrete image of himself putting them back on in his head. Without that reminder, the boy was so stuck in his own swirling thoughts he would have forgotten again. He stepped back from the Davebot, wrinkling his nose in disgust - or perhaps a sudden burst of jealousy - despite his prior, awkwardly-expressed affections towards it. He took a nearby cloth, throwing it over the bot if only to obscure its confronting gaze.

The last thing he wanted to do was face Hal, even though it was just like going back in time. He never asked to face himself, no matter the iteration. Dirk knew he was better than that. The flaws that he once had were all locked away tightly, or so he thought. And yet, he had given their metallic prison a name. There was something so disarming about Hal; the stagnancy in growth was awful alone, but seeing himself - or a projection, a perception - so raw and unfiltered was going to break him apart. It just wasn't natural.

As Dirk felt himself spiral into such a distressing pattern of thought, a rare frown took his lips downwards. He picked up a stray piece of scrap metal, turning it over and over in his fingers until he found some peace in the constant action. Placing it into a pocket, he decided to keep it out of the way but nonetheless close by for further 'use'. He also needed something physical to do rather than resulting to his self-jeopardy and facing Hal when he was in such a fragile state of mind.

The tremors that were rippling through his body begun to intensify, and Dirk realised just how useless it was waiting for himself to calm down. There wasn't a whole lot he could do to procrastinate unless he dragged his friends out of the comfort of isolation. Besides, he had a feeling seeing Jake in person wouldn't put him in the best mood. Running a hand distractedly through his hair, the Strider braced himself against a worktable and groaned aloud. Nothing was helping his emotional turmoil, much less the headache pounding behind his eyes.

He'd spent too many sleepless nights wondering about this particular moral dilemma to keep it inside, but that was simply what he had adjusted himself to. Dirk Strider was a bomb, but he was convinced that he could explode if and when he wanted to. But each and every issue he refused to face was only shortening his resolve. What kind of Strider allowed himself to cry? Not him, that was for sure.

Sweat dripped down his forehead, slipping beneath his welding mask and making him his in irritation. Everything, no matter how small, seemed like it was against him. And to someone feeling as sensitive as Dirk was at that moment, it might as well have been the truth. The buzz in his fingers from touching the abrasive metal - despite the gloves - was gradually spreading, vicious pins and needles that were such a rapid sensation every movement was causing him pain or discomfort.

With a shaking hand, he removed his phone from one of his many pockets and opened Trollian. There, in bright red letters, sat the exact help he was so sure he didn't need. Dave would've been able to soothe him, at the very least, but what he really wanted was for someone to just... listen. Dirk hadn't let himself rely on others in the past, and he wasn't about to. Letting the screen fade to black, the young man let out a breath he had no idea he had held in so tightly. The phone fell from his lax fingers and back into his pocket, the dull weight sparking more pain in his midsection that he couldn't ignore.

Teeth harshly grinding against each other, he took one last glance towards the covered Davebot and rounded a corner, pushing back a thin and vaguely dusty curtain that separated one bot from the rest. Exhaling slowly and steeling himself, he stepped inside. Attempting to disregard his various aches and pains. his gaze flickered to a small drawer. It looked as if it were gouged at to try and remove the handle. He had done that, but it had been so long since that he'd forgotten.

Walking slowly towards it, Dirk produced a key from a chain around his neck. His friends had often enquired as to what the chain was for, but he'd never felt the need to answer them truthfully. He unlocked the drawer, closing his eyes for a moment to silently process what he was doing. It was terrifying, as much as he wouldn't admit it. The only thing that scared Dirk enough to break his facade was himself. Facing his own flaws. Hal made everything ten times worse. Nonetheless, he had completed the body, even if it was crafted in a far less personal manner when compared to the Davebot.

Sweat continued to bead at his forehead and drip downwards, irritating Dirk enough that he removed the welding mask entirely to wipe it away as much as possible. Taking a spare pair of shades - which he always had somewhere on his person - out of his protective apron and slipping them back on, a little bit of the tension melted out of his shoulders. It felt more natural to have the shades on, and he had no need for the welding mask. He didn't intend to see to the bot's adjustments just yet.

Although he regretted building Hal a body, all things said and done, it was the only chance he had to try and quash the nightmares and nausea that followed him everywhere he went. There was no logic to the fear, this he knew, but he just wished it'd stop, despite his giving up hope on it a while ago.

His heartbeat pounded in his ears, so he retrieved his phone and headphones. They were a special pair that Dave had once painted for him, sleek, black and noise-cancelling with the added bonus of his hat logo emblazoned on each ear. Again, his thoughts drifted towards getting the help of his brother, but there was no time for any of that. He was too entrenched in his personal problem to think about pushing it onto anyone else. Once again, he put Dave's beats on, but this time they were too close to ignore. The headphones were wireless, luckily, because there was no chance he could have untangled them with his uncooperative hands. They weren't going to stop trembling any time soon.

Dirk's hand rested on the drawer, fingers drumming against the fading, once-burnished wood. He looked down to the contents of the drawer and grimaced, taking a small step away from it. He rethought the last hour's efforts, captured all in the single hesitation. He knew it was necessary, but there was something freezing him in place while his head and stomach spun. The boy curled his fingers so tightly around the handle that his knuckles turned white and it started splintering beneath his grip.

He reached into the drawer, placing his fingers one-by-one on the black lenses within and unsteadily picking them up. As the light caught on them - the workshop lacking curtains as the only room safe and secluded enough - he winced, but it was unclear why until he set them back down and rubbed his eyes vigorously. Dirk had seen the red lenses behind the shades, and thought that he was hallucinating for a moment. He hadn't seen them distinctly prior because he just hadn't processed it. He'd developed a habit of blocking things out physically and mentally when he didn't want to see them.

Sighing to the empty room, Dirk fumbled around in his many pockets for his phone, sending a short message devoid of context to his brother.

~ TimaeusTestified [TT] Began Trolling TurntechGodhead [TG] ~

TT: This is it.

~ TimaeusTestified [TT] Ceased Trolling TurntechGodhead [TG] ~

Returning it to his pocket, he made sure it was on Do Not Disturb mode. There was no way in or out of Hell he'd be shaken from his concentration, and no event more important than it to justify that. It also had to be kept a secret for exactly that reason. Picking the shades back up, he glowered down at them. He hated them - and even more, the AI that they contained - beyond expression. But there was no time, and thusly no back-pedalling that he could afford to be doing. He'd procrastinated enough.

Hesitating despite the reassurance that there was no time to waste, Dirk took off his shades one more time. Removing another welding mask from a hook at the wall - this one plain black unlike the one in the main area that he had taken the time and effort to customise - and replacing it with his own pair of shades, a shudder worked its way up his spine again. This time, the associated tension in his shoulders stayed, giving him none of the prior relief. He never expected it to, really. The Striders were a family who were all capable of working with, around or against their obstacles if needed. Highly adaptable. In reality, nothing much was a hindrance to Dirk because of his learned - and perhaps forced - stoicism.

With a stiff and uncertain movement, the young man drew the shades up to his facE, staring into the crimson lenses as if in a trance. They were lifeless and cold, just as he'd trained himself to be. But he knew, deep in his mind where the bad thoughts - or those he personally considered bad, anyway - rested, that it wouldn't be for long. He barely caught himself fidgeting with the scrap metal restlessly for a moment within his pocket. He begun to prepare the final wirings, those that would spiral out from his folly's chest and centre console.

The one advantage of his fear-based procrastination was having ample enough time to hone his craft. He was able put more careful handiwork into Hal's final form than he ever would have been able to give to the Davebot, which was cause for shame on his part. The wires, all of which he constructed himself, were built to be see-through but contained small lights that would change from blue to red according to the artificial rise and fall of Hal's chest, and the 'beating' of the console. It was a small detail, easily missed, but it made him feel all the more unsettling and real.

He hummed along to the beats still thrumming in his ears, a habit he only displayed when entirely alone.

Dirk inserted the chest-piece along with the console, which was neatly connected and hidden behind) into its proper place, the shaking that had once plagued him long overshadowed and disguised under false confidence. Something was telling him to stop. To leave Hal to rust and his careful wirings to rot. But Dirk's stubbornness and characteristically destructive nature caused him to dismiss all judgements, no matter how logical. No matter how much the dismissals would hurt him.

Clearing his throat, the boy's eyes flickered upwards to the lens that was missing in the facial pieces. Realistically, he could have simply foregone the eye-lenses in their entirety because of the shades he'd put on, but it would have felt unnatural. Regardless of the bot-husks scattered across the workshop and the image they conveyed, their creator was highly committed and dedicated to his craft. Under the right circumstances, yes, but dedicated nonetheless.

Straying from the bot, Dirk re-entered the main sector of his workshop and located a box full of perfectly maintained, crystalline lenses. Picking it up, he made his way back into the smaller room and set it down onto a makeshift workbench, sifting through them in quiet. He had somehow listened to the majority of his brother's discography, even though the intensity of his concentration caused him to block out all else but his work. As such, he hadn't properly realised the magnitude of either achievements, disregarding the bot-related work as well.

Soon, Dirk found the lenses he was searching for, holding them up to the windows and discovering there was no light left to shine through them. Another thing that he'd let slip unwillingly under the radar was just how long he'd been working for at that point. Nonetheless, he knew well enough that their colouration was a near-exact match to his own eyes. They were chosen in stark contrast to the red and black dominating Hal's outfit.

Stepping backwards from the bot in question, the Strider dug the toes of his boots into the floor and started to count silently. He was grounding himself in both a mental and physical manner. He needed to prepare himself for what he was about to finish. For any normal person, the task wouldn't have been so daunting. For him, on the other hand, it was facing his fears. Regardless of his own wants or desires, Dirk both pressed and stepped forwards. He placed the lens in the appropriate eyepiece, and realised that he no longer had to fake his confidence. He was sure of himself.

Slowly soldering the wires with his welding mask pulled down against the embers and sparks, he steadied his once-erratic breathing as much as he could. Upon completing this, he took off the mask and let himself observe Hal, a slight frown turning the otherwise neutral expression he'd maintained. Checking that the kill switch was working - and, despite his loathing, hoping that he'd never have cause to use it - for a moment's distraction, he retrieved the iconic shades.

Connecting them to the bot, he reached down to the centre console and pressed in a final panel. Looking back towards Hal, Dirk realised what he was truly seeing.

These were the eyes of someone more human than he was.

[an-agender-disaster]

How Is This At All Logical?

Logan has always hidden his wings, which he found to be easy due to their size. What were the chances that Thomas would be having a dilemma?

AO3 link here!

@blue--stopsigns 

________________________________________________________________

            Logan wasn't a man of fantasy or games. Why, then, of all the sides, does he have the disproportionately small wings on his back? And, on top of that, how can he fly with these aforementioned wings? Truly he would never understand. 

            While Logan worked on Thomas's schedule for the next month, his wings started to twitch under his polo shirt, itching to be set free. He contemplated changing into one of his backless shirts to allow them a few moments to stretch out, and, as soon as the thought entered his mind, his wings began ruffling up. Sighing, Logan stands up from his desk and walks to the closet. He pushes most of the clothes aside and reaches down for an inconspicuous box. If you were to open the closet and see it, the most logical assumption that would be drawn is that Logan kept a spare pair of shoes in it. The truth, however, is that he rolled up three polo shirts, one long sleeved formal shirt, and one navy blue sweater into the box. All of them, however, were backless, allowing Logan to stretch the small wings out.

            Removing the lid from the box, Logan debates on choosing another polo or the sweater. After a moment of contemplation, Logan decides on the polo shirt, as a sweater with formal pants might look strange. After untying his tie and removing his shirt, Logan pulls the new polo on, reveling in the feeling of his wings being unrestrained, he buttons up his shirt and reties his tie. 

            After Logan's outfit is sorted out again and his wings are ruffled out behind him, he sits back down at his desk to continue the planning, moving from the calendar to a planner to notebooks all to be sure that everything was in its proper place. Working through the afternoon and into the evening, Logan continued his pursuit of organization. Finally, almost three hours after he began, it had been finished. Putting down his pencil, Logan rested his head in his hands for a few moments, happy to-

            "Logan!"

            Before Logan could even process what happened, he was pulled up into Thomas's livingroom. As soon as he could, he pulled his wings against his back, hoping that nobody saw them. It was times like this that made him happy that the wings were so small. They were easily pulled through the polo shirt he was wearing, but not before Patton had seen the tectrices pull into his polo.

            Patton narrows his eyes and moves to saysomething, but Logan hastily intrupts, "Is there a reason that you have summoned me, Thomas?" 

            "What was that?" Patton questions, gesturing to Logan.

            All eyes moved to Logan. "You need me to repeat what I said?"

            "No, no. It looked like something was behind your back."

            Roman puts a hand to his chin, thinking through his next words, "Now that you mention it, Patton, I think I saw a quick flash of something, too."

            "That is preposterous," Logan says, making sure to emphasize his words by pushing his glasses up, "What would I be hiding?"

            "If you aren't hiding anything, why don't you turn around?" Roman challenges.

            "I will do no such thing. I do not have to prove myself to either of you. You are both acting irrational, and if you only called me down to question me-" Logan says, temper flaring from fear, "-then I shall take my leave."

            "Wait, wait, wait!" Thomas hurriedly shouts as Logan starts to sink out, "We really do need you right now! I've been having issues with my productivity, so I though that you three-" Thomas explains while gesturing to Logan, Patton, and Roman, "-would be able to help."

            "Why not Virgil as well?" Logan questions.

            Thomas starts to explain, "He's been overworked recently. With the new Sanders Sides video getting released, the pride video releasing, and VidCon coming up, I thought he could benefit from some rest, you know?" As he finishes, his eyes quickly flash to Roman and Patton, who both give slight nods, to small to be seen from where Logan was.

            "Alright, fine. However, with all of this, it is understandable that your productivity would have decreased." Logan begins explaining, "You need time to recuperate yourself, Thomas."

            While he was talking, Logan did not notice Roman summon Virgil, or that Virgil appeared behind Logan. Virgil's silent surprise of where he was summoned was quickly replaced by awe to what he saw.

            As Logan continued to talk, Virgil uttered a barely audible, "The hell?"

            Logan quickly craned his neck to see what was happening, and his heart began to pound when he saw Virgil behind him. Logan quickly pressed his back to the wall beside him. "Hello, Virgil. Why did you sink in there?" Logan questions, his voice shaking.

            "What was he hiding behind his back, V?" Roman questions.

            "You were the one who summoned him there?"

            "Well yeah! You were acting all weird! How could I not?" Roman shouts as Virgil moves by Logan and onto his normal spot of the stairs.

            "I would think that you could respect my privacy!" Logan exclaims, his throat closing up with tears.

            "Whatever. Virgil, what was it?" Roman asks.

            Logan's eyes dart from Roman to Virgil, "Virgil, do not tell him. Please." A few stray tears fall from Logan's eyes as he pleads.

            Virgil looks to Logan, then down at the carpeted floor, and finally to Roman. "It's not my place to tell, Roman."

            Roman looks taken aback from Virgil's response, but then steels his expression. "Fine, then." Roman quickly walked up to Logan and, putting an arm on the taller man's shoulder, forced Logan to turn around.

            "By Oden's eyepatch!" he gasps. Roman, Thomas, and Patton, all for the first time, saw a plumage of ivory feathers gracefully positioned on Logan's back.

            Logan, however, was not astounded by what had been revealed. Logan was trembling and shaking like a leaf in the wind, and the tears that he had tried to hold back for so long came tumbling down, and the still silence of the revelation was broken with a sob passing through his lips. As soon as it did, Patton was at his side, with Thomas and Virgil not far behind him.

            "Lo, what's wrong?"

            Trying to collect his thoughts, he turned himself back around slowly and, with a shaking voice, said, "I'm s-sorry, I don't m-mean to be crying."

            Virgil looks up to the significantly taller side and explained, "Logan, you have every right to cry. But why would you hide the wings?"

            "Th-They're illogical. I d-didn't want any of you to th-think any less of me."

            "We would never think any less of you, Lolo!" Patton exclaims, "Something like this isn't bad!"

            Logan looks to Patton, "R-Really? You aren't a-alarmed?"

            "We never would be scared of you, Logan," Patton explained.

            Logan pauses to process Patton's words, then simply responds, "Thank you," Logan whispers.

             The next day, someone knocks on Logan's door. Three sharp knocks.

          "Come in," Logan calls.

          The door clicks open as Logan continues to gaze down at his book, emerged in the story. "Can we talk?" Roman asks, quick to the point.

          "One moment." Logan slides a bookmark between the pages, and, when he is done, he turns and asks Roman, "What do you need?"

          "I wanted to apologize." At this, Logan's expression changed from blank to interested.

          "And what for, if I may ask?"

          Roman looks to Logan, eyes meeting, "I had no right to invade your privacy like that. You were right. I wa-"

          "Let me stop you there." Logan interrupts, "I am not upset with you for what you did. I would have had to do it at some point."

          "Yes, but I had no reason to force you to like I did."

          "You did not know better. Like I said, I am not upset with you."

          Roman looks down, finally breaking eye contact, "Are you sure?"

          "Positive."

          "Alright, If you are sure," Roman says as he moves to leave. "Oh! I almost forgot!" he says, turning back, "You should show them off more. They suit you." With that Roman closed the door to Logan's room.

          Maybe Logan would get use of the box more after all.

[mandarinastronaut]

Homoromantic subtext in ‘The Goldfinch’

The Goldfinch is a novel written by Donna Tartt, published in 2013. It follows the characters Theodore Decker and Boris Pavlikovsky. The relationship between the two is a bit controversial. Literary critics have completely ignored the implications of a romance.

Let’s start with Theo’s toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia. Since the Tumblr user @borispav has already made an excellent analysis regarding the subject, I’m going to quote them.  

”…Internalized homophobia is a fear and aversion toward homosexuality that is felt by a member of said sexuality. It’s an inclination toward projection, a way of securing confidence and self-image (two things which are threatened both systematically and socially) by registering one’s own sexual identity as a flaw in other people.

Toxic masculinity (or hegemonic masculinity) is a series of behaviors and traits found in men who have been molded by the ideologies of patriarchy. This mode of thinking presents a set of standards and conventions which men are expected to both adhere to and promote interpersonally.

When it comes to men, the ultimate goal—in both these cases— is to embody the widely advertised image of what is considered to be a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ man. This man is able-bodied and strong (both physically and mentally). This man fulfills the roles expected of his gender. He is ‘masculine’ in that he does not cry nor outwardly express any emotions outside of anger and lust. As a child he is sociable and sporty. He has many friends and does not struggle with fitting in. As a teen he is rowdy and full of life, armed to the teeth with a ‘healthy’ sex drive; the ultimate manifestation of the phrase “boys will be boys”. As an adult he is married and financially stable. He is on his way to achieving the American Dream: a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a wife that he feels responsible for protecting. He is straight and always has been.”

”Naturally interwoven amongst the pillars of toxic masculinity sits homophobia and its internalized counterpart. Heterosexuality, after all, is a core part of being a ‘normal’ male. Any other errant attraction is therefore meant to be deftly identified and expunged.

Given the sexual nature several of Theo’s fears toward masculinity take on, I believe it is more than safe to assume that he struggles with accepting and acknowledging his own sexuality (whether it be bisexuality or homosexuality, I don’t have a definite stance) as it is at odds with what has been presented as ‘normal’ male behavior.

Sexuality very nearly serves as an antagonist in this novel. It’s depicted as an emotionally draining entity, a wildness, a physical allure, tangible threat, and  elusive dream. Theo is almost always at war with it—a sort of subplot to the story that mainly reveals itself in behavior and attitude, rather than direct dialogue or thought.

Sometimes the terror Theo harbors toward homosexuality (and, at its core, his own sexuality) is visceral enough to manifest itself as a palpable real-life danger. For example, aside from being verbally and emotionally abused by kids at school, Theo is also able to recall an instance where several boys held him down and attempted to sodomize him with a stick of deodorant (615). This memory, like the other, is mentioned in a passing, blasé, way. However, the fact that Theo remembers it at all as an adult—and in enough detail to recall the exact names of his aggressors— speaks to the experience’s traumatic weight.

In a similar vein, we have Theo’s negative re-entry into New York: the two different adult men who were implied child molesters (who cornered Theo and physically chased him down the street) serving as more literal manifestations of his own homophobia (404-409). This is the fear, and false pretense, that gay men are ‘perverts’ or ‘child molesters’ brought to life. It’s Theo’s repressed sexuality taunting and confronting him in a brutal, nightmarish, form; an expected effect of having been taught that a part of his identity is inherently ‘bad’ and unremovable.

This, and the bullying incident, are two prime examples of a fairly common literary technique used in which a character’s strongest fears or desires are made physical, rather than just emotional. Such a device works to symbolize/convey their fervency, demonstrate just how pressing and real they are to the afflicted character.”

A few examples of Theo’s internalized homophobia:

He can’t tell his doormen he’s going to miss them, because he thinks it would sound ”gay”. (238)

He feels uncomfortable in the cab because the driver saw Boris kissing him. (396)

He’s embarrassed to be seen with Popper because the breed is seen as ”feminine ” or “gay”. (402)

He’s distraught when Boris asks if he’s Hobie’s partner. (615)

“As for the internalized homophobia, it’s as ever-present as ever in his adulthood. In fact, I think it actually might even be morepronounced and focused than it was in his youth, when his fears primarily manifested themselves in vague and ambiguous ways. As an adult, his aversion is blunt and easy to identify. He graduates from steering clear of things that might insinuate homosexuality, to steering clear of gay men almost altogether. He’s able to acknowledge that they tend to make him uncomfortable, but in terms of trying to understand or mediate on why this is so, little is done. Instead he deems it suffice to drop in a few cursory sentences here and there whilst on the subject of something else, leaving it at that. No bigger picture is addressed, and no critical issue is implied.

For example, what we get are brief and loaded anecdotes like the following:

“I’d inherited my mother’s light-colored eyes, which short of sunglasses at gallery openings made it pretty much impossible to hide pinned pupils—not that anybody in Hobie’s crowd seemed to notice, except (sometimes) a few of the younger, more with-it gay guys— ‘You’re a bad boy,’ the bodybuilder boyfriend of a client had whispered into my ear at a formal dinner, freaking me out thoroughly. And I dreaded going up to the Accounts department at one of the auction houses because one of the guys there—older, British, an addict himself—was always hitting on me.” (472)

The sheer weariness and disdain with which he views threats to his heterosexuality is palpable here. There’s something almost sinister and deceptive about the way he chooses to portray these scenarios, something nightmarish in the way both men seem to be implicitly taunting him, confronting or incriminating him with the knowledge of a secret he pretends not to know. Both cases are clearly sources of great distress to him, as he feels the need to bring them up in context of something that didn’t exactly need the reference. It’s all fine and good that he mentions the "younger gay guys” noticing his pinned pupils, since the topic of thought was drugs, but then to go off and suddenly engage in the quotation of very specific dialogue (“you’re a bad boy”), and the discussion of very specific fears (being hit on by a guy), suggests that there is some deeper trauma demanding acknowledgment at the root. Theo is bothered by this. He is tormented by this. He uses the word dread (dread!!) to try and convey just how much he does not want to be in the same vicinity as someone who may act upon the assumption that he’s gay. (He wants us to assume that’s only because he’s confidently straight and doesn’t want the attention, but we know, in truth, that it’s because he’s both afraid and enraged at someone knowing and confronting him with such an unbidden part of himself).

Either way, it’s clear that he’s aware of the irrational severity of these fears, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought them up of his own volition or chosen to detail the day-to-day effects of their disproportionally crippling nature (i.e. him now despairing a certain department of his work environment). So yes, at some subconscious level, he knows that this isn’t normal, that he is stunted, emotionally, in some way. However, as I said before, he doesn’t ever think about why this is. He doesn’t try to find the problem, or even allude to there possibly being some small discrepancy in the way he’s always perceived his sexual identity. His aversion toward gay men simply remains a ‘mystery issue’, something of obvious weight that Theo wants us to feel, but not know. (Though, we know what it is anyway.)

And as if all this wasn’t obvious enough, we also get the very particular way in which Boris is framed in reference to Kitsey. He reenters Theo’s life right as Theo’s in a crisis over her, the engagement, and the fact that he’s not in love. And I mean this literally; Theo runs into Boris at St. Marks because he’d been on a walk in efforts to find ease of mind, a refuge from the daunting prospect of upcoming marriage (525). What he does find is Boris. Boris, who then, briefly, assumes the role of a hero— the knight in shining armor who’s come to sweep Theo up and away from the worldly snares of expectation and social-rule. This image is only further enforced when Boris comes billowing into his life again at the engagement party, graciously saving him from what (to Theo) was a downright nightmarish scenario. “Let’s get out of here,” is what Boris implores of him, leading them both to the door excitedly (635). Theo’s immediate response is to recognize that this is what he’s been unknowingly hoping this entire time, that Boris’ plea to run away from the engagement party with him is the “only thing that has made sense” to him all night (635). This is the ever-warring sides of illusion and reality at direct confrontation with each other. Choosing to stay at the party would imply that he has an unwavering loyalty to Kitsey (as in to heterosexuality/convention), while choosing to leave would imply that there are other, more genuine, desires drawing him away to something else at heart (his love for Boris, his lust for that wild edge; life without restraint and rule).

Theo chooses to leave. Or, I should probably say, he has no choice but to leave. When given such an enchanting window of escape, at such a precise moment of emotional distress and internal turmoil, it is impossible to resist. Of course his instinct would be to leave with Boris, even without knowing the details of their destination or circumstance. There’s an innate trust and draw that has been built up inside him from their Vegas years; Boris knows the deepest parts of Theo inside and out, and there are little to no other people in his life that he is tied to like that, little to no people that would provide the same type of relief from social-performance and self-deception as Boris would. On instinct (on instinct) Theo is true to himself for once. He physically runs after the thing he prefers, the thing it is that he actually wants. However, I do emphasize ‘on instinct’ because this is certainly more of a one-time, impulsive, occurrence than it is anything else. In the end it’s still Kitsey who Theo deems worthy of a suicide-note, not Boris. It’s still Kitsey who, despite everything, he continues to remain on the fence about all the way through the end of the novel. So, yes, it’s evident that the instinct (to be honest with himself, to go after what he wants etc.) is there, that—even after all these years—it still remains strong enough to be acknowledged and acted upon. However, the pressures of compulsive heterosexuality and toxic masculinity have not lessened their grip either, and, in the end, they are the ones that win.”

(all of this was from the amazing @borispav  ‘s blog, thank you for letting me quote you!)

The story is told in retrospect and therefore is completely dependent on memory. Well memory, as we all know, isn’t very reliable. You forget, remember something incorrectly, manipulate and so forth. It is also sort of implied that Theo’s been using all sorts of substances, from hard drugs to alcohol. On the pages 622-623 we find out that Theo’s a ‘black-out’ drunk (he passes out and forgets things). Boris brings up the painting which baffles Theo since he himself has shown it to Boris but completely forgotten about it. Just the fact that he’s forgotten something so insanely important and significant, makes it more than possible that there are other important things he’s forgotten about. Theo tells us that he’s written the book for his mother, and in the hopes that Pippa would read it one day. This makes him quite biased and sets up an agenda for him, therefore implying that he’s willing to manipulate the story to fit his purposes. And because he’s trying to convince everyone (mostly himself, but also the reader) that he’s in love with Pippa, it wouldn’t make much sense for him to write about the true feelings he has for Boris. Though it’s very clear that he doesn’t actually love her. He even says this on page 570;

”Worse: my love for Pippa was muddied-up below the waterline with my mother, with my mother’s death, with losing my mother and not being able to get her back. All that blind, infantile hunger to save and be saved, to repeat the past and make it different, had somehow attached itself, ravenously, to her. There was an instability in it, a sickness. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I was only one step away from some trailer park loner stalking a girl he’d spotted in the mall. For the truth of it was: Pippa and I saw each other maybe twice a year; we e-mailed and texted, though with no great regularity; when she was in town we loaned each other books and went to the movies; we were friends; nothing more. My hopes for a relationship with her where wholly unreal, whereas my ongoing misery, and frustration, were an all-too-horrible reality. Was groundless, hopeless, unrequited obsession any way to waste the rest of my life?”

Even if you were to interpret it differently (Theo actually being in love with her, or at least being sexually attracted to her) it still doesn’t overrule Theo’s love for Boris (Theo could be bi-, pan-, or polysexual etc.).

Now when talking about Boris’ internalized homophobia, it’s not as severe as Theo’s. He’s a lot more accepting and openminded. On page 314. Boris brings up homosexuality;

”…Old poofter?” he asked. I was taken aback. ”No,” I said swiftly, and then; ”I don’t know.” ”Doesn’t matter,” said Boris, offering me the jar. ”I’ve known some sweet olf poofters.” ”I don’t think he is,” I said uncertainly. Boris shrugged. ”Who cares? if he is good to you? None of us ever find enough kindness in the world, do we?“

It’s very clear that by bringing up homosexuality casually like this, he wants to hear how Theo feels about it. This dialogue also tells us that Boris is a lot more accepting than Theo, who’s shocked and troubled by the idea of Hobie being gay.  

Boris doesn’t have trouble expressing his feelings, he often even exaggerates them.

Boris says he’s in love with Kotku even though he doesn’t know her (326)

Boris says that he ”loves” Kotku and that she’s ”the truestthing that has ever happened” to him (328).

Boris says that the 'fight’ he and Kotku had, was ”only out of love”, and that they realized ”how much they loved each other” (360).

Boris tells Theo how he and KT became ”so close” in one night, and how they ”opened up their hearts” for each other (602).

Boris says that Bobo was like a father to him (613).

Boris is telling Theo about his tattoo, and says this; ”…This is for Katya, love of my life. I loved her more than any woman I ever knew.” To which Theo responds with; ”You say that about everybody.”  Theo’s comment proves that this is something Boris does all the time.

But with Theo, he can express himself only through action, rather than words. It’s important to bear this in mind whenever interpreting his actions.

Quoting the Tumblr user @queer-deckovskij ;

”…Part II of The Goldfinch Book contains the chapters Badr al-Dine and Wind, Sand and Stars, in which Boris and Theo meet, go on adventures, live a pair of year together, fight, love each other, then say goodbye. These 200 pages are introduced by a quote Donna put right before chapter 5, that comes from the poet Arthur Rimbaud and says,

When we are very strong, - who draws back? very gay*, - who cares for ridicule? When we are very bad, - what would they do with us?

So where do I start? This quote accurately depicts Boris’ and Theo’s friendship in a way that takes my breath away. It contains all the force and stubbornness and courage of the angry youth they represent. She couldn’t have picked a better quote to represent them. But that’s not all. The small poem doesn’t end here - Donna cut the second part of it, which says,

Deck yourself, dance, laugh. I could never throw Love out of the window.

Yes, the poem used to represent Theo and Boris’ relationship is a love poem. I think it’s really important the notion of who Arthur Rimbaud was. He lived in France during the 19th century and while still very young he had a homosexual affair with another poet, named Paul Verlaine; they ran off together and for quite some time they shared a really unhealthy and irregular life, mostly based on drugs and alcohol and dangerous experiences. Les Poètes maudits, yes? They lived in the same house for a few years and ended up splitting up in quite a violent way (Verlaine shot Rimbaud twice). Does this experience remind you of someone? A couple of guys who drank beer and did drugs like it was a packet of chips and a bottle of pepsi? Inserting that quote, Donna Tartt literally compared Theo and Boris to Rimbaud and Verlaine. Which means that, officially, Theo and Boris’s love was not a platonic one.

*I do not know if Donna inserted this translation or a more neutral one, like cheerful or jolly; the original French poem uses the word gai, which literal translates as gay.”

When Boris starts dating Kotku, Theo is forced to think about what his and Boris’ relationship was for the first time. Though, it’s already been implied earlier that Theo might have a crush on Boris.

Subtext of Theo’s attraction toward Boris;

He’s staring at Boris’ stomach (272).

He’s staring at Boris’ neck (284).

He’s staring at Boris who’s wearing nothing but Theo’s underwear (307).

He’s staring at Boris’ shirtless chest (308).

He’s staring at Boris’ lower abdomen (383).

Theo is jealous of Kotku, he’s even depicted as a pissed ‘house-wife’.

Page 327; ”…But what did bother me -a lot- was how Kotku (I’ll continue to call her by the name Boris gave her, since I can’t now remember her real name) had stepped in overnight and virtually assumed ownership of Boris. First he was busy on Friday night. Then it was the whole weekend–not just the night, but the day too. Pretty soon, it was Kotku this and Kotku that, and the next thing I knew, Popper and I were eating dinner and watching movies by ourselves.”

(Theo’s been depicted as a ‘house-wife’ before on page 277.)

Even though he’s feeling jealous and left behind, he still tries to convince himself and the reader that their relationship was nothing but platonic, that he doesn’t really care whether Boris has a girlfriend or not. Still, it isn’t so simple. He can’t find a right word to describe their relationship.  

”…But who cared what crappy girl Boris liked? Weren’t we still friends? Best friends? Brothers practically? Then again: there was not exactly a word for Boris and me. Until Kotku came along, I had never thought too much about it.” (333)

If their relationship was really platonic, Boris having a girlfriend wouldn’t affect their “friendship” or “brotherhood” in the slightest.  

Theo’s projecting into Boris because of his internalized homophobia. We find out that Theo doesn’t mind Boris showing physical affection, and that he even enjoys it (it’s the only thing that calms him down from his nightly terrors). This is something that he doesn’t want to admit. He’s constantly trying to convince the reader that there aren’t any stronger, possibly romantic, feelings attached. It’s actually quite comedic.  

”The funny thing: I’d worried, if anything, that Boris was the one who was a little too affectionate, if affectionate is the right word. The first time he’d turned in bed and draped an arm over my waist, I lay there half-asleep for a moment, not knowing what to do: staring at my old socks on the floor, empty beer bottles, my paperbacked copy of The Red Badge of Courage. At last–embarrassed–I faked a yawn and tried to roll away, but instead he sighed and pulled me closer, with a sleepy, snuggling motion.  Shh, Potter, he whispered, into the back of my neck. Is only me. It was weird. Was it weird? It was; and it wasn’t. I’d fallen back to sleep shortly after, lulled by his bitter, beery unwashed smell and his breath easy in my ear. I was aware I couldn’t explain it without making it sound like more than it was. On nights when I woke strangled with fear there he was, catching me when I started up terrified from the bed, pulling me back in the covers beside him, muttering in nonsense Polish, his voice throaty and strange with sleep. We’d drowse off in each other’s arms, listening to music from my iPod (Thelonious Monk, The Velvet Underground, music my mother had liked) and sometimes wake clutching each other like castaways or much younger children.” (335)

In the end, we finally find out that they’ve even been sexually intimate. Since this is something they’ve done regularly, it’s more than safe to say that they’re at least sexually attracted to each other. Still, Theo keeps projecting into Boris, saying that he’s the one ”who might have the wrong idea”.

“…And yet (this was the murky part, this was what bothered me) there had also been other, way more confusing and fucked-up nights, grappling around half-dressed, weak light from the bathroom and  everything haloed and unstable without my glasses: hands on each other, rough and fast, kicked-over beers foaming on the carpet–fun and not that big of a deal when it as actually happening, more than worth it for the sharp gasp when my eyes rolled back and I forgot about everything; but when we woke the next morning stomach-down and groaning on opposite sides of the bed it receded into an incoherence of backlit flickers, choppy and poorly lit like some experimental film, theunfamiliar twist of Boris’s features fading from memory already and none of it with any more bearing on our actual lives than a dream. We never spoke of it; it wasn’t quite real; getting ready for school we threw shoes, splashed water at each other, chewed aspirin for our hangovers, laughed and joked around all the way to the bus stop. I knew people would think the wrong thing if they knew, I didn’t want anyone to find out and I knew Boris didn’t either, but all the same he seemed so completely untroubled by it that I was sure it was just a laugh, nothing to take too seriously or get worked up about. And yet, more than once, I had wondered if I should step up my nerve and say something: draw some kind of line, make things clear, just to make absolutely sure he didn’t have the wrong idea. But the moment had never come. Now there was no point in speaking up and being awkward about the whole thing, though I scarcely took comfort in the fact.” (335-336)

Boris feels troubled because his and Theo’s relationship has become so intimate. He’s not sure if Theo feels the same way about him, and that creates a lot of stress and confusion for him. He makes a subconscious decision to resolve the situation by jumping into an impulsive relationship with Kotku (there aren’t any strong feelings attached). The relationship is completely physical, (they’re sexually attracted to each other, that’s it) even though Boris tries to convince Theo it isn’t so. Soon after they start dating, they begin to argue like an old married couple. It even goes so far that Boris punches Kotku (in the face).  

Then Theo’s dad dies, and Theo has to leave Vegas in order to avoid his worst nightmare; social workers. Tartt depicts the 'goodbye’ scene quite dramatically, starting it with Boris humming a song by The Velvet Underground called After Hours. The song is about, you guessed it, unwilling goodbyes, love etc. By inserting this song to the very start, Tartt creates the perfect atmosphere for the whole scene, implying that there are strong romantic feelings between the two. They’ve listened to the song together, and so, Boris tries to manipulate Theo into staying by humming it.  

”…Boris, I realized, was looking up at the sky and humming to himself, a line from one of my mother’s Velvet Underground songs: but if you close the door… the night could last forever…” (392)

The certainty of the situation starts to sink in on Theo, and he starts expressing his true feelings for the first and last time in the novel, in fact, he’s lost all control over himself. Boris realizes that Theo’s expressing his real feelings (probably predicting a confession) and since Boris has stolen the painting (something Theo’s completely unaware of) he’s accepted that he’s completely ruined any chances of continuing the relationship, (knowing that Theo would hate him after finding out) and just can’t bear to hear any more of what Theo’s saying. So, he interrupts Theo by kissing him on the lips. Now, besides the suggestive placement of the kiss, (not only is it in the goodbye scene but its right before Theo’s confession as well) the way Theo reacts to it makes it very clear that this is unusual behavior, and not something Boris has done before, (Theo wouldn’t have missed a chance to make the whole situation seem as platonic as possible, he would have tried to pull some bullshit like ”oh yeah this is something Boris does all the time lmao doesn’t mean anything”. And they know each other so well that they can communicate without words, so I think it’s safe to say that Theo would’ve known about it if it was usual behavior for Boris.) the kiss is clearly more than platonic, to say the least.  

”…Really, you have to come. We can go to Brighton Beach—that’s where all the Russians hang out. Well, I’ve never been there. But the train goes there—it’s the last stop on the line. There’s a big Russian community, restaurants with smoked fish and sturgeon roe. My mother and I always talked about going out there to eat one day, this jeweler she worked with told her all the good places to go, but we never did. It’s supposed to be great. Also, I mean—I have money for school—you can go to my school. No—you totally can. I have a scholarship. Well, I did. But the guy said as long as the money in my fund was used for education—it could be anybody’s education. Not just mine. There’s more than enough for the both of us. Though, I mean, public school, the public schools are good in New York, I know people there, public school’s fine with me.” I was still babbling when Boris said: “Potter.” Before I could answer him he put both hands on my face and kissed me on the mouth. And while I stood blinking—it was over almost before I knew what had happened—he picked up Popper under the forelegs and kissed him too, in midair, smack on the tip of his nose. Then he handed him to me. ”Your car’s over there,” he said, giving him one last ruffle on the head. And—sure enough—when I turned, a town car was creeping up the other side of the street, surveying the addresses. We stood looking at each other—me breathing hard, completely stunned. ”Good luck,” said Boris. ”I won’t forget you.” then he patted Popper on the head. ”Bye, Popchyk. Look after him, will you?” he said to me.” (394-395)

When Theo gets in the cab, he acknowledges his feelings for Boris and confesses his love for him. This is the first and last time he does this (at least according to Theo’s narrative, which as we know, isn’t very reliable).

”Later—in the cab, and afterward—I would replay that moment, and marvel that I’d waved and walked away quite so casually. Why hadn’t I grabbed his arm and begged him one last time to get in the car, come on, fuck it Boris, just like skipping school, we’ll be eating breakfast over cornfields when the sun comes up? I knew him well enough to know that if you asked him the right way, at the right moment, he would do almost anything; and in the very act of turning away I knew he would have run after me and hopped in the car laughing if I’d asked one last time. But I didn’t. And, in truth, it was maybe better that I didn’t—I say that now, though it was something I regretted bitterly for a while. More than anything I was relieved that in my unfamiliar babbling-and-wanting-to-talk state I’d stopped myself from blurting the thing on the edge of my tongue, the thing I’d never said, even though it was something we both knew well enough without me saying it out loud to him in the street—which was, of course, I love you.” (395)

When they run into each other as adults, Theo starts commenting on Boris’ appearance almost immediately. This isn’t something Theo’s done before, his internalized homophobia won’t allow him to. Boris is the only male he depicts this way.  

”…There he was, sliding in across from me, slingin the hair from his face in a gesture that brought the past ringing back. “I was just about to leave.” “Sorry.” Same dirty, charming smile. “Had something to do. Didn’t Myriam explain?” “No she didn’t.” “Well. Is not like I work in accounting office. Look,” He said leaning forward, palms on the table, “don’t be mad! Was not expecting to run into you! I came as quick as I could! Ran, practically!” He reached across with cupped hands and slapped me gently on the cheek. “My God! Such a long time it is! Glad to see you! You’re not glad to see me too?” He’d grown up to be good-looking. Even at his gawkiest and most pinched he’d always had a likable shrewdness about him, lively eyes and quick intelligence, but he’d lost that half-starved rawness and everything else had come together the right way.” (596)

Then we find out that Boris has been embittered this whole time because he ruined his and Theo’s relationship (Thinking that Theo holds a grudge for him because of the painting). So, Boris projects onto Theo. He brings up their sexual intimacy, and offends him;

”…why do I feel like you’re trying to change the subject?” ”Not trying to judge! It’s just—we did crazy things back then. Things I think maybe you don’t remember. No, no!” he said quickly, shaking his head, when he saw the look on my face. ”Not that. Although I will say, you are the only boy I have ever been in bed with!” My laugh spluttered out angrily, as if I’d coughed or choked on something. ”With that—” Boris leaned back disdainfully in his chair, pinched his nostrils shut—”pfah. I think it happens at that age sometimes. We were young, and needed girls. I think maybe you thought it was something else. But, no, wait” he said quickly, his expression changing—I’d scraped back my chair to go— ”wait,” he said again, catching my sleeve, “don’t, please, listen to what I’m trying to tell you, you don’t at all remember the night when we were watching Dr. No?” I was getting my coat from the back of my chair…” (622)

Theo is clearly hurt by Boris’ words, even though he doesn’t admit it.

As if all of this wasn’t already obvious enough, Tartt’s sprinkled all sorts of subtext all over the novel;

Theo takes extraordinary notice of the sex books his therapist has. Tartt is already, this early into the book, implying that sexuality might be a theme for Theo.  (162)

During Theo’s and Boris’ first conversation, Theo asks Boris to say something in one of the multiple languages Boris speaks and he decides to say something quite suggestive, which is; ”fuck you up the ass”. (265)

Theo’s internalized homophobia is taunting him, he says he feels ”shameful”, ”worthless”, ”tainted” and ”wrong”, and that he doesn’t know the origin for these emotions. (440-441)

Theo thinks about Boris every day and everything reminds him of Boris. (465)

Theo still remembers Boris’ home phone number in Vegas and even uses the last digits of it for the combination padlock that’s securing the painting. (532)

Theo confesses that he has googled Boris in the past. (595)

”You know what I did in college?” I was telling him. ”I took Conversational Russian for a year. Totally because of you. I did really shitty in it, actually. Never got good enough to read it, you know, sit down with Eugene Onegin—you have to read it in Russian, they say, it doesn’t come through in translation. But—I thought of you so much! I used to remember little things you’d say—all sorts of things came back to me—oh, wow, listen, they’re playing 'Comfy in Nautica,’ do you remember that? Panda Bear! I totally forgot that album. Anyway. I wrote a term paper on The Idiot for my Russian Literature class—Russian Literature in translation—I mean, the whole time I was reading it I thought about you, up in my bedroom smoking my dad’s cigarettes. It was so much easier to keep track of the names if I imagined you saying them in my head … actually, it was like I heard the whole book in your voice! Back in Vegas you were reading The Idiot for like six months, remember? In Russian. For a long time it was all you did. Remember how for a long time you couldn’t go downstairs because of Xandra, I had to bring you food, it was like Anne Frank? Anyway, I read it in English, The Idiot, but I wanted to get there too, to that point, you know, where my Russian was good enough. But I never did.” (614-615)

Theo depicts Pippa by referring to Boris. (678)

Tartt has placed a character from one of her earlier novels The secret history, Francis Abernathy, a homosexual man who was forced by circumstance to marry a woman, in Theo’s engagement party as a parallel for him. (710)

”Only what is that thing? Why am I the way I am? Why do I care about all the wrong things, and nothing at all for the right ones? Or, to tip it another way: how can I see so clearly that everything I love or care about is illusion, and yet—for me, anyway—all that’s worth living for lies in that charm? A great sorrow, and one I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are. Because—isn’t it drilled into us constantly, from childhood on, an unquestioned platitude in the culture—? From Willian Blake to Lady Gaga, from Rousseau to Rumi to Tosca to Mister Rogers, it’s a curiously uniform message, accepted from high to low: when in doubt, what to do? How do we know what’s right for us? Every shrink every career counselor, every Disney princess knows the answer: ”Be yourself.” ”Follow your heart.” Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted—? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads one willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common virtues and instead straight toward the bonfire, is it better to turn away? Stop your ears with wax? Ignore all the perverse glory your heart is screaming at you? Set yourself on the course that will lead you dutifully towards the norm, reasonable hours and regular medical check-ups, stable relationships and steady career advancement, the New York Times and brunch on Sunday, all with the promise of being somehow a better person? Or—like Boris—is it better to throw yourself head first and laughing into the holy rage calling your name? It’s not about outward appearances but inward significance. A grandeur in the world, but not of the world, a grandeur that the world doesn’t understand. That first glimpse of pure otherness, in whose presence you bloom out and out and out. A self one does not want. A heart one cannot help.” (852-853). Since the main themes of the novel are authenticity and unauthenticity (good and bad, right and wrong) it makes perfect sense to have sexuality be a subtheme.

Love restricts one’s personal life. Committing to something so uncertain and scary, as serious romantic relationships are, is impossible for Boris due to his traumatic childhood. This (aside from thinking he’s ruined their relatonship) is the reason why he’s stayed out of Theo’s life for all these years.  

”…Boris laughed. “And you love her, yes. But not too much.” “Why do you say that?” “Because you are not mad, or wild, or grieving! You are not roaring out to choke her with your own bare hands! Which means your soul is not too mixed up with hers. And that is good. Here is my experience. Stay away from the ones you love too much. Those are the ones who will kill you. What you want to live and be happy in the world is a woman who has her own life and lets you have yours.” (667)

Later, in Amsterdam, during the shootout, Boris physically follows this ideology and his true feelings- he’s ready to die for Theo. Theo confessed his love verbally, this is Boris confessing his love in the way most natural to him, through action;

”…Again Boris moaned, as the guy yanked his hair once more, and from across the car threw me an unmistakable look—which I understood just as plainly as if he’d spoken the words aloud, an urgent and very specific cut of the eyes straight from our shoplifting days: run for it, Potter, go.” (760)

Can a Pulitzer prize-winning author write this blatant subtext accidentally? Is this just another case of cheap queerbaiting? It’s up to you to decide.

———————————————————————————————————–

A look at internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity as presented in the character of Theodore Decker; https://borispav.tumblr.com/post/179768610308/a-look-at-internalized-homophobia-and-toxic

by https://borispav.tumblr.com/

Post on Arthur Rimbaud’s poem; http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/post/171833208225/so-very-important-detail-i-dont-know-if-any-of

by http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/

All page numbers are from my copy of the book, meaning that I’ve changed the ones in the quotations from the original ones to my own.

I received technical writing help from a friend of mine, as I am dyslexic and have trouble expressing myself sometimes, who wants to stay anonymous, thank you anonymous!

[eclare-draws]

My ML/Enneagram Theory

So I was bored and have a huge interest in the Enneagram personality type test, so I decided to figure out what Adrien and Marinette are on the Enneagram. I was just making points, and it somehow turned into an eight page double spaced essay. I’m realy happy with it and it only took a couple of hours, so here it is to read. It will help with the art I’m posting tomorrow ;)

The Enneagram is a personality test based on a person’s basic fears and desires in life. It is a set of numbers one through nine, each of which represent a specific type of person but are all connected based on how each basic type (the one someone identifies the most with) reacts to stress and growth. The system is largely based on fluctuation, but by analyzing the fears and desires of characters in Miraculous Ladybug, their basic Enneagram type can be quickly identified by the actions they take to change injustices and make sense of the world around them. Here, the discussion will be based on Marinette/Ladybug and Adrien/Chat Noir in various contexts.

In every episode, we see both Marinette as well as Ladybug strive to make the world better based on her beliefs of what is right for the city and her friends (which is typically in-line with what we as a society associate with good and honorable behavior). This attitude and drive is often associated with Enneagram Type One: the Reformer, who wants “to be good, to have integrity, [and] to be balanced.” This analysis of character can be seen in both personas Marinette takes on: the busy schoolgirl and the savior of Paris. Ones are often faulted with “always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake,” which is clearly displayed in “Stoneheart,” where Marinette struggles to cope with the fact that she messed up to the point where she feels she is so incompetent that it would be better for her to give up her miraculous for the sake of Paris. “[Ones] try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic.” Marinette’s sense of perfectionism is clearly seen in her designs and plans. She spends a disproportionate amount of time on tiny details, such as an embroidered signature, that no one else would notice but add depth and meaning to her work. Not only this, but her perfectionism shines when she makes detailed and convoluted plans, whether it is how to use her lucky charm as Ladybug or how she will get together with Adrien (see Operation: Secret Garden in “Gigantitan”).

The audience can often see Marinette trying to improve the lives of others, whether they ask for it or not. She often zeros in on a single problem and tackles it in order to help the world align with how she sees it best. When she is criticized for a mistake or wronged in some way, she reacts dramatically and impatiently. This aligns with the direction of disintegration, where “methodical Ones suddenly become moody and irrational at Four.” When Marinette is wronged, she reacts brashly and “[has] problems with resentment and impatience,” easily showcased in situations dealing with Chloe. All nine Enneagram types are associated with a sin, and Ones are paired with anger. This makes sense with Marinette, because while she tends to be level headed in most situations, she gets mad and defensive whenever something is turned against her or goes against the plan.

“History is full of Ones who have left comfortable lives to do something extraordinary because they felt that something higher was calling them.” Marinette started her career as Paris’ superheroine just as anyone would expect: spilling macarons everywhere while preventing an old man from getting hit by a car he could have easily avoided. Master Fu’s intention with the ladybug miraculous was Marinette’s higher calling. One of the more famous figures often referenced in speaking of the Type One personality is Joan of Arc (Jeanne d’Arc). Not only was Joan of Arc in a similar position as Marinette - a teenage girl destined to save France - but she is also depicted in the show as a past holder of the Ladybug Miraculous (see Befana episode and Thomas Astruc’s art). This revelation could be interesting to anyone, but it also enhances and hones this theory into a definite explanation. Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a Type One on the Enneagram personality test.

But what about her partner, crush, and friend, Adrien Agreste or Chat Noir? Well, it is made clear early on that Chat Noir is what Adrien would be if it were not for his father and the life he is expected to lead for the sake of looking good (pun intended). By analyzing this character in two parts rather than at the same time as previously done with Marinette, he becomes much simpler to understand. Chat Noir’s abilities allow Adrien to leave the fortress that is the Agreste mansion and live his life in a way that helps him grow and thrive, while being locked up puts him in a state of disintegration or stress. By evaluating the character from this point of view, it makes sense that Adrien would be an Enneagram Type Seven: the Enthusiast. 

Sevens want nothing more than “to be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled.” Adrien grew up in a wealthy household and never had to worry about his physical needs being met but he constantly looks for ways to have his emotional needs met because his father refuses to do so and instead feeds into the basic fear of sevens: “Of being deprived and in pain.” Adrien’s worst nightmare is being locked up, as displayed in Sandboy, where bars appear in his room until he’s trapped and isolated. In “Riposte,” Ladybug hides him in a sarcophagus in the Louvre and, after escaping to be Chat Noir, he uses the excuse of, “I hate to be locked up.” While this is not actually why he left, his body language and tone show that he is being genuine in his words and that his clawstrophobia (sorry) is an actual problem. This claustrophobia is not only based in literally being in tight spaces, but also figuratively being trapped. His father over schedules him to the point where he, a young boy, cannot discover who is for himself or what his interests are. Despite the skateboarding ramp and posters in his room, does the audience ever see him even have the slightest interest in skateboarding? Or basketball? Rockclimbing? Piano? Fencing? Chinese? Modeling? While he seems to go along with these and generally find entertainment in them, there is no way to show that he is actually inclined to do these things - he is just expected to, so he does.

Being locked away in his room allowed him proficiency at the activities provided for him, but the only time he is ever depicted as actively enjoying one of these things is when he plays the piano with Plagg in “Puppeteer 2.” Sevens often prefer “to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.” By giving in to the hobbies he is expected to have, he keeps himself busy so that he cannot worry about what he might actually enjoy. His ability to have high performance can also be attributed to the fact that “Sevens are frequently endowed with quick, agile minds, and can be exceptionally fast learners. This is true both of their ability to absorb information (language, facts, and procedures) and their ability to learn new manual skills—they tend to have excellent mind-body coordination, and manual dexterity (typewriting, piano playing, tennis).” While he might not be interested in the activities he participates in, he finds himself great at all of them because of this ability to adapt and learn. Despite this, it is likely that Adrien will struggle to figure out what he wants to pursue because, “Sevens do not feel that they can find what they really want in life.” The only thing he truly knows for himself and his future is that he wants Ladybug to be in it.

The few active decisions the audience sees Adrien make are in line with those associated with Sevens, in that he “[wants] to maintain [his] freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences,” or, in this case, the experiences of a normal teenage boy. He decides he wants to go to school with other people because he deems it important in “Stoneheart”. In “The Gorilla,” he runs  away from home in order to avoid missing out on his mother’s movie. By keeping the black cat miraculous, he makes the choice to continue to have worthwhile experiences and make positive change to better his life. Sevens “do not feel that they know what to do or how to make choices that will be beneficial to themselves and others,” which is shown in “Reflekdoll” when Adrien holds the ladybug miraculous and worries that his choices are not the correct path without the assurance of Lady Noire. Sevens are known for “[keeping] their minds occupied, especially with projects and positive ideas for the future, they can, to some extent, keep anxiety and negative feelings out of conscious awareness.” As Chat Noir is being rejected by Ladybug, he quickly slips into a Marinette-like fantasy of moving to an island, living off fruits, and buying a pet hamster. By creating these plans, which one can only assume he spends much of his free time doing, he avoids the harsh reality of his family and love life.

Sevens are often referred to as being optimistic, which is certainly true of Adrien. Yes, he faces isolation and what is assuredly a deep set of insecurities and pain that a children’s show will not delve into, but he still finds the silver lining of every situation. When he is denied the love of Ladybug in “Glaciator,” he decides “her friendship is the best gift of all.” Even after he spent months trying to save Ladybug as Aspik in “Desperada,” he still decides that he can best help her as Chat Noir and sees the positive that can come out of what must have been a traumatic experience for him. Even in regards to his father, where most people would resent a parent who treats them like Gabriel treats Adrien, Adrien still manages to not only love but also respect his father and his wishes. When Sevens are at their healthiest, they “Assimilate experiences in depth, making them deeply grateful and appreciative for what they have.” When Adrien becomes his alternate persona, Chat Noir, the audience is able to clearly see the vivacity this character has and the beauty he finds in the world. Chat Noir often appreciates the smaller things in his life that others often tend to ignore, as he is unable to participate in life as Adrien Agreste. His separation from the world as his father’s son causes him to usually live in an unhealthy level for Sevens, where “their energy and health is completely spent: become claustrophobic and panic-stricken” which is again illustrated in his greatest fears of being trapped. “Sevens deeply resist feeling trapped or being in situations that continually produce unhappiness,” a statement that can easily be attributed to Adrien as he lives his life as a true Seven on the Enneagram.

It does not need to be stated that Chat Noir and Ladybug make a miraculous team (sorry). Their styles of planning, solving, and fighting are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Chat Noir tends to have a spontaneous take to his fighting, while Ladybug is methodical and calculating. This all makes sense with the analysis of the interactions of Ones and Sevens according to the official Enneagram study. “Enneagram Ones and Sevens have a particular complementary and reciprocal relationship. They are opposites who can either bring something needed to the other person, thereby helping both to achieve new growth.” The black cat and ladybug miraculous are said to be two parts of a whole, the yin and yang of the miraculous. Because of this, the interactions between them make sense to be reciprocal actions towards the same goal. While Ladybug creates, Chat Noir destroys. Their powers work together to create a balance in the world and within their lives. Occasionally, the audience sees examples of when their actions affect the outcome negatively because they are out of sync with the intentions of the other.

Sometimes, Chat Noir’s casual approach and joking attitude will get in the way of Ladybug’s plan, as seen in “Oblivio” and referenced in “Reflekdoll.” This dynamic between the two heroes can again be comprehended through the understanding of the two types, “Ones bring conscientiousness, orderliness, good work habits, methodical attention to detail, and a pleasure in maintaining excellence and high standards. Sevens bring spontaneity, high energy, curiosity, an orientation toward fun and adventure, the desire to try new things, and an ability to not get too hung up with getting everything done perfectly.” This is a perfect summary of their tandem relationship that balances out for a positive outcome. When things do not go to plan, Chat Noir finds a way to help Ladybug and solve the problems that they face most of the time. This spontaneity can sometimes cause issues between them, another common flaw between the two types. “As stress increases, Ones become increasingly critical, judgmental, inflexible, and insistent that things be done only one way, the right way—their way. They inevitably begin to see Sevens as undisciplined and inefficient, self-centered and childish. Ones feel that Sevens are scattered and tend to fool around too much.” In “Relfekdoll,” Ladybug points out these types of behaviors in her partner, going so far as to call his suit a “clown costume.” She also struggles to understand that Chat Noir’s approach to holding the Ladybug miraculous is vastly different from her own, which causes some bickering between them because her brain does not work in a “simple, straightforward [manner].”

As the audience does not see Marinette and Adrien interact in a normal fashion very often, it is harder to see these similarities appear between the two civilians. This is not only because of Marinette’s crush, but also because Adrien tends to guard his emotions to save face and do as expected of him. In “The Gorilla,” the dynamic between them peeks through as the friends have to rely on Adrien’s spontaneous changes of plan while Marinette struggles to follow along because she does not have time to make a cohesive plan. While Marinette can adapt quickly to her missteps around Adrien, she often finds herself floundering when she does not have a plan. Some of the few times she was almost successful in confessing her love can be noted in “Dark Cupid,” “Puppeteer 2,” and “Gigantitan.” In all three of these, she comes up with varying levels of plans in order to make Adrien fall in love with her. In “Dark Cupid,” she writes a love letter but forgets to sign it because she is distracted. “Puppeteer 2” shows her and Tikki devising a plan to play the role of someone who is confident around Adrien, but she had to go and almost kiss him in that situation. In “Gigantitan,” she develops what is easily her most in-depth plan (Operation: Secret Garden), which almost worked until she had to improvise. Her inability to improvise is greatly contrasted by Adrien/Chat Noir’s ability for the trade. He is a quick thinker and finds ways to avoid a negative outcome in the worst situations. When he tries to plan, such as his poem in “Dark Cupid,” it does not work out for him because he is able to do it on the fly with a higher success rate.

While Miraculous Ladybug may be a show intended for children, it is easily enjoyed by older viewers who look at each episode with a keen eye and interested mind. In the observation of interactions, mindsets, and attitudes, the Enneagram types of Paris’ heroes can easily be discovered and analyzed through a clearer lens. By doing so, an audience member can have a better understanding of the characters and make sense of their actions and thought processes without necessarily being able to relate to the characters all the time. By watching Marinette/Ladybug’s ability to plan and desire to do what is right for her city and her friends, one can see that her Enneagram type must be a One - the Reformer. She prefers a methodical approach to life that is filled with clear morals and a call to greatness and she often becomes frustrated when the world does not work the way she expects it to. On the other hand, Adrien/Chat Noir’s ability to see the positive in every situation as he improvises his way through life shows that he must be a Seven - the Enthusiast. Adrien’s family situation often places him in a period of stress or disintegration where he feels trapped and stuck in life because he does not fully understand himself. As the two characters interact with one another, it is made obvious that they are meant to be (whether as a couple or just the strongest duo in Paris) and that they can only improve and hone their partnership as they better understand one another on a deeper level.

(All quotes taken from “Miraculous Ladybug” and The Enneagram Institute.)

[imaginearyparties]

hi! paris anon here. thank you for your thorough answer and for even thinking of what i hadn't mentioned/considered!

there's no money involved yet, so that pressure isn't there. And just to briefly answer your other questions, I'm not even sure he has feelings for me, just a hunch as of lately, but yes if he did, I wouldn't return them and I know this is best to be addressed in a conversation. But I guess I'm also just giving in to how this looks to everyone else, a boy and a girl going to Paris alone? (this is kind of silly I know but it's there)

Thank you for giving me an example of your own personal experience and I'm glad you and your best friend were able to work things out! <3

and to your last part, if I wasn't doubting exactly how things are between us right now, yes, I think I would love to travel with him!

But my general travel anxiety is just getting the best of me, being in a whole other country in a big city like that, is kind of scary lol.

Hope this makes some sense! Again, thank you so so much for taking the time! Your words of encouragement were really helpful and I'll consider everything you said! I did reach out to you because your blog is a safe space and also because you're such a bright and insightful person, I couldn't think of anyone better to talk to!

oh, dude i'm so glad i could be of help!

i think it's really awesome how you validate all of what you're feeling while also acknowledging that some parts of it might be silly or disproportionate to reality. of course, it's easy for me to say "why does it matter if people think you're dating if you travel with him", but like, overthinking doesn't really sort out the rational fears from the irrational ones.

i also wanna say that this is definitely a tough spot to be in! it sounds like you've got a good grasp on your own feelings and the situation.

i hope whatever you choose leads you towards good things. drop in anytime to talk <3

[douchebagbrainwaves]

FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT LANGUAGE DESIGN AND BAD ECONOMY

But working on this is not a win, in the sense that your body is happier during a long run than sitting on a sofa eating doughnuts. And they have leverage in that their decisions set the whole company moving in one direction or another. One is that you shouldn't build object-oriented programming in too deeply. What good will more code do you when you're out of business. The larger a group, the closer its average member will be to the average for the population as a whole must be giving people something they want, the more different it gets. A physicist friend recently told me half his department was on Prozac.1 It was no coincidence that the great industrialists of the nineteenth century had so little formal education. Many startups go through a point a few months before they die where although they have a significant amount of money in one family's bank account, or the market wasn't ready yet, b the founders solved the wrong problem. Programming languages are how people talk to computers.

With server-based apps get released as a series of small changes. The ball you need to give someone a present and don't have any money, you don't usually have to invent anything.2 Life in a zoo is easier, but it could not have grown so big so fast. It's very dangerous to morale to start to depend on deals closing, not just because she's shy that she hates bragging. In Web-based software you can use any language you want, there is nothing in spam-of-the-envelope calculations, this one has a high average outcome. A company big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to acquire startups will be big enough to be fairly conservative, and within the company the people in the mailroom or the personnel department work at one remove from the actual making of stuff. I think you should make users the test, just as we can become smarter, just as a goalkeeper who prevents the other team from scoring is considered to have played a perfect game. Her immense data set and x-ray vision for character.3 And historically the number of new startups being founded in 2003.

For individuals the upshot is the same: aim small. A big company is probably getting a bad deal, because his performance is dragged down by the overall lower performance of the algorithm described in A Plan for Spam I hadn't had any, and I completely agree with him. I would really love to do, at least in our own minds, we have to remember that it's an admirable thing to write great programs, even when this work doesn't translate easily into the conventional intellectual currency of research papers. It could only spread to places that already had a vigorous middle class. A big company is like high fructose corn syrup, and hydrogenated vegetable oil.4 Though the immediate cause of death in a startup tends to be one. In practice, it seemed inevitable that I would eventually have to move from filtering based on single words to an approach like this. But it could be that a lot of new startups being founded in 2003. Near the top is the company run by techno-weenies who are obsessed with solving interesting technical problems, instead of making users happy.

As with the original industrial revolution, some societies are going to be hard to duplicate. Letters, digits, dashes, apostrophes, and dollar signs are constituent characters. Letters, digits, dashes, apostrophes, and dollar signs are constituent characters, and everything else is collapsing around you, having just ten users who love you will keep you going. Here are some of the effect of first class functions, you can be wise without being very wise, you can pick a time when you're not in the middle of Antarctica, where there is nothing in spam-of-the-future, because this is what I expect spam to evolve into: some completely neutral text followed by a url. But ambitious programmers are better off doing their own thing and failing than going to work at a big company, then a lot of maximally interesting tokens, meaning those with probabilities far from. It will always suck to work for some existing company. Ditto at the other end of the spectrum, we'd be the first to see signs of a separation between founders and investors in the Valley. In the earliest stages of a startup, of course.

Watching employees get transformed into founders makes it clear that the difference between the two. Jessica was so important to YC, why don't more people do it? Maybe it's because you haven't made what they want.5 75%. 88, just under the threshold of. That way we can avoid applying rules and standards to intelligence that are really meant for wisdom. Except instead of being at the mercy of investors. If anything, it's more like the small man of Confucius's day, always one bad harvest or ruler away from starvation. And the culture she defined was one of those that exploit an insecure cgi script to send mail to third parties. And yet if you analyzed the contents of the average grocery store you'd probably find these four ingredients accounted for most of the things they're doing is breaking up and misspelling words to prevent filters from recognizing them. For example, though the stock market crash does seem to have regarded wisdom, learning, and intelligence largely from cultivating them. We are all richer for knowing about penicillin, because we're less likely to die from infections.

With server-based. That last sentence is the fatal one.6 If you were dropped at a random point in America today, nearly all the food around you would be bad for you. I think the single biggest problem afflicting large companies is the difficulty of assigning a value to each person's work. If you're not allowed to implement new ideas, you stop having them. If you're in a job that feels safe, you are thereby fairly close to measuring the contributions of individual employees. But large organizations will probably never again play the leading role they did up till the last quarter of the twentieth century.7 When startups came back into fashion, around 2005, investors were starting to hear about byte code, which implies to me at least that if we find more than 15 tokens that only occur in one corpus or the other, we ought to give priority to the ones that occur a lot. Two of the four spams I missed got through because they happened to use words that occur often in my legitimate email. Just write whatever you want, so if there is no way to get rich by creating wealth, as a species, is that you can do whatever he wants. When there is a natural fit between smallness and solving hard problems.

These techniques are mostly orthogonal to Bill's; an optimal solution might incorporate both. Salesmen work alone.8 Partly because I'm a writer, and writers always get disproportionate attention.9 But working on this is not an irrational fear: it really is hard to bear. And in this economy I bet they got a good deal on it.10 If you go to a new set of buildings, and do things that they think aren't good for you. Then at least you can give back the money you have left, and save every penny of your salary. So let me tell you a little about Jessica.11 Your boss is just the intermediate stage—just a shorthand—for whatever people want. A morale boost on that scale is very valuable in a startup tends to be running out of money, and now they'd have to postpone that. Usually a startup is, economically: a way of saying, I want to work a lot harder, and get paid for it.

Notes

That was a kid who had died decades ago. If an investor I don't like content is the accumulator generator benchmark are collected together on their utility function for money. In desperation people reach for the fences in our case, 20th century was also the golden age of economic inequality was really only useful for one another indirectly through the window for years while they may introduce startups they like to cluster together as much as Drew Houston needed Dropbox, or Seattle, consider moving.

When the Air Hits Your Brain, neurosurgeon Frank Vertosick recounts a conversation—maybe not linearly, but nothing else: no friends, TV, go talk to mediocre ones. If early abstract paintings seem more interesting than later ones, and in a startup, but I took so long. And while we might think it was the least VC-like. SpamCop—A Spam Classification Organization Program.

But people like numbers. That makes some rich people move, and then using growth rate has to work for startups to be evidence of a stock is its future earnings, you create wealth with no environmental cost.

For example, the angel round just happened, the apparent misdeeds of corp dev people are trying to decide whether to go all the red counties. It's a lot heavier. I've been told that Microsoft discourages employees from contributing to open-source projects, even if we wanted to than because they actually do, but when people make investment decisions well when they talk about distribution of income, which merchants used to be able to claim retroactively I said yes.

I had a killed portraiture as a constituency. The Nineteenth-Century History of English at Indiana University Publications. This is not to need to go sell the bad groups and they unanimously said yes. Most unusual ambitions fail, most of them had been a good way to explain how you'd figure out what the US is partly a reaction to drugs.

Which is probably 99% cooperation. I said yes. In desperation people reach for the same way a restaurant is constrained in a journal. An accountant might say that YC's most successful ones.

Joe thinks one of them, would be much bigger news, in the body or header lines other than those I mark. For example, the same investor to invest at any valuation the founders don't have to talk about aspects of the next stage tend to become dictator and intimidate the NBA into letting you write has a word meaning how one feels when things are going well, but most neighborhoods successfully resisted them. Which is probably a mistake to believe is that their experience so far the only way to tell how serious potential investors and they begin by having an associate.

Globally the trend has been rewritten to suit present fashions.

See Greenspun's Tenth Rule.

Bill Yerazunis. This was made a million dollars out of a social network for x. If you wanted to invest at any valuation the founders of Hewlett Packard said it first, and it has about the smaller investments you raise them.

The undergraduate curriculum or trivium whence trivial consisted of three stakes.

[dikshabhardwajblog]

Depression and Anxiety: How a Therapist Can Help You to Treat The Coexisting Symptoms

Before we dive into this topic, please take a deep breath and sit back as we clear your doubts regarding the two things and try to provide you with solutions. To begin with, yes, depression and anxiety can co-exist. According to a study, it has been estimated that 45% of people that suffer from either of the two health conditions meet the criteria for two or more disorders. It was found that half of the people with either anxiety or depression have other conditions.

However, each condition comes with its own causes and may share similar symptoms and treatments. Here's hoping that this article will help you figure out more about the health conditions, what are some of its symptoms, and how a therapist can help you deal with it.

In case you can't seem to figure out or put a name to what you are feeling, some of the symptoms for anxiety and depression are:

●     Constant, irrational fear and worry ●     Some of the physical symptoms that you might suffer are fast heartbeat, fatigue, headaches, hot flashes, sweating, abdominal pain, and difficulty in breathing ●     Insomnia ●     You might end up eating too much or too little. ●     Might face some difficulty with memory, decision making, and even concentration ●     Loss of interest in hobbies and other social activities ●     Feeling hopeless or pessimistic. ●     Inability to relax ●     Panic attacks

The Road To Improvement- Therapy 

Just like any other health condition, this also requires you to see a doctor and take the utmost care of yourself. If you, at any point in your life, find yourself experiencing feelings or behaviors as mentioned above, then it might be time to seek help from a therapist. It is always better to talk about what you are going through, rather than keeping it all inside. In case you are facing any difficulty regarding finding a counselor, then always search for - psychotherapist near me or therapist near me for depression and anxiety.

Psychotherapists are well trained when it comes to diagnosing anxiety and depression, and will help provide you with effective ways to cope with it. A kind of psychotherapy known as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective at treating anxiety disorders. With its help, you can learn to identify and manage the factors that contribute to your anxiety. 

Few researchers at the University of Cambridge wanted to find out who is most affected by anxiety disorders and even depression. To do this, they conducted a systematic review of studies that reported on the proportion of people with anxiety in a variety of contexts around the world, and rigorous methods were used to retain the highest quality studies. Their results showcased that women are almost twice as likely to suffer from anxiety compared to men and that people living in Europe, North America, and India are disproportionately affected. 

(Source-https://theconversation.com/women-are-far-more-anxious-than-men-heres-the-science-60458)

If you also identify as a female or belong to the LGBTQ community, then we would recommend that you give UntiedForHer a try. Their app is an honest effort to extend hands to all the women and the LGBTQ community to make a difference and turn the ordinary into extraordinary. It is a community-led by powerful and strong women and will do their best to solve your problems. They all come from different backgrounds, but helping other people is what brought them together. They can be your friendly depression counsellor in Delhi-NCR. 

In the end, some days are tough, but it too shall pass. There is light at the end of the tunnel, always remember. We would encourage that you opt for online counseling as going out right now might be tough. Drink lots and lots of water, and give your mind a break with the help of counseling. Here's hoping you all strong ladies and people of LGBTQ community feel better!

[oaimniynaug]

Finding the middle ground

August 8, 2019 It’s taking me a long time to compose even the first paragraph, so instead of leading with a headline - as I usually do - I’m going to write in a stream of consciousness, see where it takes me, and offer a post hoc summary supplemented by quotes from Yanbing (who has been most incisive on the recent developments) and Martin. When I first read the string of texts and listened to the recordings, I remember having two feelings: First, of frustration and exasperation (that I had done all I can this summer, to the best of my abilities); and second and relatedly - perhaps more importantly too, even though it might not seem like much - of having foreseen something like this happening (that there was or has been discontent with my summer “performance” based on “standards” which I was not necessarily or entirely privy to). I agree with Martin that I’ve always had an “allergic” reaction during many of our past points of tension, or whenever a need is articulated. Fundamentally, I don’t think anyone enjoys listening to criticisms - even if they are couched in the most delicate of manners - and for me it is exacerbated by the tendency to be disproportionately fixated with only the negatives, thereby ignoring any potential compliments. It very much stems from my ego and the desire to please. I love the Conan O’Brien anecdote about how even in the most glowing articles of his, his mind goes immediately to that one phrase or sentence implying or stating something which needs to be changed. Complementing this general allergy and aversion - which I think most people have - is the fear of disappointing Martin and the perceived need to make up or atone for my arrogance and aloofness during the fall quarter and winter break. The other more recent uncertainties which stand out in this regard happened towards the end of the spring quarter, when even the notion of rescheduling (not just cancelling) the planned weekends of being at your place was difficult to broach because I was going back on my word, and I was not sure how amenable you were. There are other complications which I still ought to get to, yet it feels critical to address a few questions from the preceding paragraph: - What really happened in the fall quarter - beyond the points of tension - and in this vein was it as negative as we’ve presented it to be? And if the pluses do outweigh the minuses in quantity and in magnitude, how do we reshape the narrative for that? This appears especially significant when evaluating this summer stint. - In this vein too, what specifically from the fall quarter rankles Martin to this day? And how can they be addressed? I ask this because after the flight incident from Seattle, it felt like there was residual unhappiness or dissatisfaction. - For Martin: To what extent does his practice of holding grudges feature? Is it realistic for it to be tempered? - For Kwan: To what extent does the allergy and aversion stem from deference and yielding to Martin for “atonement”? The next point about needs is a good segue to other questions, since thus far - from my perspective - I have had no or few expectations of Martin (perhaps because I am contented with the status quo or the present arrangement, or tied to the previous questions about the fear of disappointment), whereas it feels like Martin is the one with all the unfulfilled needs. I struggle to think of a single instance when I’ve asked him to change or to improve or to do something different so that it will be better for me or for the relationship, and even if I do articulate needs it’s often in response to a demand of his. Under this arrangement, as I’ve shared with him through his analogy, it feels like he’s expecting me to move or to change to me, and I don’t see the same imposition on him. Maybe it’s because I imposed on him so much in the past, that I feel like we’ve relinquished my right to do the same Having said all that, is a key question about improvement and insatiability. Because although I was multitasking at the gym or while travelling - and I now I’m being a little selfish here - I never, ever cancelled on him, he was the person I spoke to the most during the summer, and I enjoyed what I thought were great, honest conversations. Martin might say he appreciate this and that, yet sometimes it feels like a therapist-prescribed routine he’s going through instead of honestly meaning it (since at the back of his mind he perceives even better arrangements). A possible arrangement in the future might be: Us video-chatting (and me bound to the desk) for two days, us phone-calling (and me multitasking at the gym or while traveling) for two or three days, and for the rest of the time we will just text. But will the focus be on the conversations themselves (which I think ought to be the crux), or will we again quibble on the number of days or the forms of conversation? I don’t think that I should foreclose the ability of any of us to still speak up when we are unhappy. It shouldn’t be the case of: “Oh, we’ve come to this arrangement, so you cannot renege now”. That’s far too rigid and unfair, and is likely to disadvantage Martin based on the aforementioned proportion of needs. However, I would appreciate two things. First, timeliness. This came later and at the end of the summer stint, and as irrational it may be it ultimately felt like an indictment of my performance - labouring under the impression that all was well - and identifying the positives feel difficult. Second, a good case must be made. And I feel like we’ve been through enough points of tension, allergy or not, to know that we should expect pushback. Even with all that I’ve said, I thought the request itself was reasonable, but the timing was not. Would I still have had the allergy? Yes. But the conflict would’ve been less protracted. - The obvious first question then is: How do we have a conversation about these needs, especially when I feel like I might not have any expectations from him? - Relatedly and importantly, even though I thought we had a strong conflict resolution mechanism - one which is premised upon being transparent and one which does not allow small things to fester, such that “pricks” are discussed right from the get-go - I was befuddled too that it took a long time for Martin to bring this up. I point to three specific incidents on timing, this summer: Resolving the Felice issue and the August 13 issue (even negotiating around my conflict with my mom for the latter) in a timely manner, and me having to implore and implore with him to articulate his ennui when I had to hang up before he finished a story. Even with the best of intentions, why was this approached so differently from the past points of tension? - Even with his best of intentions, would it be more constructive to ask me when my needs may be, instead of second-guessing? - How do we manage long-distance communication? Should we take it week by week - as Yanbing suggested - thereby planning our schedules around our calls? Is it possible to come to an adequate or a satisfactory arrangement? Tangentially also, one of the central needs he has had is prioritisation. In fact, I would go out on a limp to say that this is an unresolved challenge which has persisted, and which will continue to persist in the future, and if it remains unresolved it will the biggest internal death knell. We have more questions than answers, as the thesis is straightforward: Martin sees me as the priority; I see Martin as one of many priorities (even though I don’t think I am any less committed to the relationship). - Where or what is the middle ground? How do we find and get ourselves near it? - For Martin: Is it reasonable for him to adjust the priorities and the expectations? And is it fair for me to argue - as Yanbing did - that circumstances will change when Martin starts work? - For Kwan: Is it acceptable for me to have multiple priorities? Or is it a recipe for relationship disaster? Realistically, it feels like professional or academic work will only get busier. And what about Singapore? I still maintain that planning too far in advance is futile and that we should therefore take it one year at a time. Thus far too - and learning from the lessons of Japan - we’ve been able to make the big decisions in concert, so maybe the next step is to address and to fix the ostensibly smaller issues of our relationship. But I frame Singapore as a site of tensions, and as much as I understand Martin’s trepidations about going over and the country’s restrictions, I wished he understood some of the more intense pressures I have been under. - Singapore as the site for my professional and academic development - especially given the contacts I have and the relationships I have built over time - but also as a country which does not necessarily accept my sexuality. - Singapore as the site where my family and friends are, but also where I feel pressure to conform to norms. As I’ve said, I don’t think I’d be able to live a life of double deception - lying to myself about my sexuality and lying to a potential spouse - so I will need to learn to be comfortable with myself, should this relationship not work out. - Knowing that I will have the financial independence and overall know-how to be independent and to not have to rely on my parents and my family (even now, I don’t), but at the same time craving their acceptance and recognition. - Reconciling the safety and security (not just personally, but in terms of career development too) of Singapore with the desire to maximise my privilege and to travel around and to see the world. And ultimately, should they need my help, to care for my parents in their old age or ill health. Overall too, I wished I got a little more credit for how far I have come - managing how I act and behave in Singapore - instead of being reminded about how much there is left to go. Perhaps this “is the glass half-empty or half-full” situation is worth exploring further. Notwithstanding the low bar that was the winter break, I think I’ve been less reserved in conversations and less conscious of how I speak in public, so instead of “why can’t you say ‘I love you’ in public”, maybe the focus should be on me not having that many red lines on what we can or cannot discuss outside. Because far from regressing or staying the same, I’ve really tried my best to be better. — For myself, personally, I want to list down the things I have achieved or done well this summer (and I’ve only halfway through it): 1. Securing the grant, which gives me greater clarity for my dissertation and anchors me to a project I am very passionate about. 2. Meeting old and new friends and having so many meaningful conversations, even to the extent of sharing honestly about my professional anxieties, my sexuality and my personal help, and even the help that I need to improve my well-being. 3. Spending time with grandma and seeing her condition improve over time, with the possibility that she’d be mobile by the time I return in December. 4. Having mom confide in me about her personal angst (even if I do not agree with a lot of her approaches and rationale), even though it was soured by the unexpected rejection of a “homosexual lifestyle”. 5. Being prompted, finally after (4), to take therapy seriously. And throughout the summer too I’ve been meeting and speaking with friends who have gone through and benefited from therapy. 6. Balancing all my commitments and remaining on top of things, even with the observation that there is room for improvement or that my mode with Martin could’ve been improved. 7. Learning to find my voice in this relationship, such that I am evaluating or even litigating claims, because I’m slowly realising that I can and should make my needs heard and that a pushback is inevitable. Learning to say “no” again, in other words. 8. And as protracted and as awful the point of tension has been, maybe we finally have the confidence to surface all these latent issues to be talked through and addressed, rather than waiting. — Yanbing: i think maybe sometimes must really learn how to express yourself better when it comes to making him feel prioritized / important... just bc you feel as though you are already seeing the rs as priority doesn't mean he feels that way Yanbing: sometimes is also asking him how he would practically like you to go abt doing things? for eg. i thought this v unnecessary at first but now my partner and i make our plans known to each other before each week starts so no one feels neglected or overlooked & also it allows him to know i have him in mind always Yanbing: - but i do think you have the right to set some boundaries that both of you agree on... it also isn't reasonable to expect you to be 24/7 tuned into the rs... like we all have lives - maybe it's a passing phase? like when he starts the new job then he'll be busier and have his hands full of other stuff and then things will resolve themselves organically... - that said, i think it's important to set some expectations re: frequency of communication, meeting up, etc. like ok if he doesn't want you to be gymming and calling him, then properly video call him la, but fewer times per week Yanbing: - yup & also so the person doesn't feel like an afterthought to everything else you've made plans for - again is not that he wants to usurp all my time but just know he is being thought abt Martin: - Because sometimes I really don't feel like a true priority, even if you say it - In fact, this is something I said in therapy - "I feel I'm never going to be a true priority. Kwan might say that I'm a priority, but he doesn't make me a priority on his own" - On his own meaning that I have to "intervene" to tell you how I want to be treated

[sunshineweb]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets published first on https://mbploans.tumblr.com/

[heliosfinance]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

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