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undiscovered-horizon · 1 year

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"Espionage" - Kaz Brekker x Reader

SUMMARY: Lord de Witt is throwing an exclusive banquet for socialites - just the perfect opportunity for Kaz to put his hands on whatever the aristocrat has in his safe. Fortunately, being an ambassador's daughter, you can easily smuggle him in but the two of you must pretend you're engaged to avoid suspicion.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 3.7k

>>Grishaverse-inspired playlist<<

If Jesper didn’t know Kaz, he’d think he was having a laugh.

“When you said you know someone, I was expecting everything but the daughter of an ambassador.” Then, in a slightly anxious manner, he turns to look at you apologetically. “No offence.”

There is something quite amusing in his uneasiness as though Jesper is expecting to be decapitated for as much as giving you a sour grimace. You’re probably the closest thing to nobility he’s ever been around.

“Worry not, sir,” you reassure him with a polite smile on your face, “I will try my best not to spoil your criminal quality.”

His eyebrows furrow and he leans towards Inej. “Did… did she just call me ‘sir’?” he asks quietly.

“Don’t get used to it,” she answers half-heartedly, busy pondering something else.

“How do you even know each other?” Jesper points between you and Kaz but the moment his index finger is directed towards you, he quickly puts his hand down. “I doubt you’ve been to the Barrel before.”

To any passerby, the sight of you and the Crows standing next to each other must look like a skit. With your expensive, light-coloured dress and back about as straight as a broomstick, you really do stand out like a sore thumb. Are those lowlifes bothering a proper lady or is she perhaps noble enough to offer them a few coins?

“That’s quite right. When my father was fraudulently accused of conspiring against the crown, mister Brekker,” out of pure habit you vaguely gesture towards him, “had been so kind as to solve this perplexing hoax. It is only fair that I agree to help him when he asks.”

Kaz checks his watch. Then, his expression suddenly becomes stern, focused, and you know exactly what it means.

“We should go,” he states. His eyes have a strange glint of both coldness and concealed worry to them. “There’s no backing out now.”

Your polite smile doesn’t falter. “I wasn’t considering such a thing.”

The dearth path around the lawn in front of the manor is blocked with countless carriages - horses of one freight have their nostrils pushed against the rolling stock of another cart. It seems as though Lord de Witt has invited half of the continent to his exclusive banquet. Half of them, one might assume, came out of courtesy or simply because of the other guests sure to attend.

Mixing into the crowd of rich men and aristocracy, choking on the powder and perfume, you tell Kaz the basics of banquets like this:

“Let me do the talking. You’re accompanying me, which among socialites makes you akin to a show horse. Of course, someone might ask you a question but it will be pure courtesy. They don’t actually care, because they don’t know you. Answer shortly and politely.”

“Will it not raise suspicion that the ambassador’s daughter is engaged to a no-one?”

“Not if he’s a First Army veteran, wounded on the front lines by a Fjerdan savage,” you say in a theatrical manner. His perpetual frown elicits a chuckle from you. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m sure you can sell it. Besides, if you seem grim enough, which shouldn’t be a problem honestly, the guests won’t dare ask any more questions.”

The porter nods knowingly in your direction. Despite his old age, he’s quick to recognize the little lady you once were. You offer him the invitation but he waves his hand in dismissal. His fingers tremble slightly, making you wonder in all of your melancholy whether he’d still be able to do all those small magic tricks he used to entertain you with.

Following the mob of guests, you end up in a spacious ballroom. Crystal chandeliers reflect candlelight, causing ethereal rainbows to dance across the frescoes painted on the ceiling. Some of the artwork presented landscapes, other battles and even Saints - all of them equally breathtaking. The hall is filled with a plethora of scents: vertigo-inducing perfume, imported fruits, freshly-cut flowers, braised meats. To Kaz, this is the smell of wealth but to you, the ballroom only smells of home.

Appearance-wise, Kaz falls a bit behind compared to the three-piece suits and cylinders but the difference is not stark enough for people to give him contemptuous glances. In all honesty, this will help you sell the yarn you’re spinning. After all, what veteran has enough money to buy a whole suit for just one evening?

“Come on, we should say our greetings to the host,” you say quietly while gently nudging his arm.

As though you are something of a Grisha yourself, the middle-aged man in question suddenly appears in front of you. His face has gained a few deep wrinkles since the last time you saw him but still, his prominent laughter lines are the first thing people notice about him. Considering what kind of person Lord de Witt is, it’s a reliable first impression - a rare occurrence among thieves and noblemen alike.

The man’s face beams with happiness when he recognizes you, his eyes nearly disappearing in a genuine smile. “Ah, принцесса!” he exclaims, opening his arms. “You’re more beautiful every time I see you.” Holding your hand, he meaningfully leans down but never presses a polite kiss against your skin. Instead, he curtly nods while maintaining eye contact, uneasy at the thought of such a gesture.

“I thank you for the kind words, Lord de Witt,” you answer. “It is a pleasure to be your guest.”

He furrows his eyebrows and dismissively waves his hand. “Nonsense, you’re not just an ordinary guest. Tell me, how’s your father? Is our ambassador in good health?”

“The weather is terrible on his knees, I’m afraid. Only laudanum and nettle curb his pain enough to let him work. If I may inquire as to where Lady de Witt is? I haven’t seen her among the guests.”

Lord’s face grows brighter once again but this time there’s a sense of longing in his tired, grey eyes. “My dear Betty left for Novyi Zem just a few days ago. Ever since Lady de Serre expressed interest in her antique collection, she’s been eager to go back.”

Kaz, so far unnoticed by the aristocrat, glances between you and the man. You’re exchanging mere greetings and courtesies, yet he’s learned quite a few interesting things in just those few sentences. Nobility, as it seems, will say everything and anything as long as they think they’re talking to an equal.

His inquisitive thoughts must have pushed some Saint’s hand because Lord de Witt suddenly turns his attention to him, although continues talking to you. “The dapper young man is your husband, I presume?”

“Not yet, unfortunately,” you say with a bashful giggle - very ladylike, even if forced. “Igor Dreesen,” you introduce him. Kaz shakes the Lord’s hand without ever giving away that he’s never heard that name before. “He has fought in the First Army, on the front lines.”

“You have my eternal gratitude, gentleman.” Lord de Witt has an iron grip on Kaz’s hand, holding it significantly longer than Brekker is comfortable with. “May we all have your bravery and loyalty. Please, enjoy the evening.”

Kaz waits for the Lord to be out of earshot before turning to you. “He seems to know you well.” Maybe you’re reading too much into it or maybe there is a hint of suspicion in his tone.

“When I was younger, I used to come here every week. Valeriya de Witt, Lord’s eldest daughter, taught me embroidery. I know this manor like my own home.”

“Then you surely know where the safe is.”

“It could be in his bedroom or in his office.”

Kaz cocks his head. “So you don’t actually know.”

“I’ve met quite a few noblemen and state officials, Kaz. The older the money, the less we’re careful. De Witt’s office is next door,” you motion your head to the side.

Strolling through the ballroom towards the office door, weaving your way between gold-threaded gowns and made-to-order suits, you can’t help but wonder about the master thief by your side or rather what the world looks like through his eyes. You can recall so many gossip exchanges where a group of complete strangers would discuss their wealth and business, believing that their secrets are safe among socialites similarly to unaffiliated thugs discussing their commissions over a pint of watered-down beer. In a thief’s world, you’re something of an encyclopedia on fast enrichment. Maybe telling a secret or two could be treacherous of you but in the grand scheme of things, you think it’s not nearly enough to cover your debt.

You lean towards Kaz, speaking in a low voice. “See that lady with a scandalously huge hat? That’s lady Maria de Bouvier, harbors so much contempt towards her stepmother, she’d probably be elevated if some of the jewelry was to disappear.”

Brekker spares you a questioning glance but doesn’t say anything.

“Or that retired soldier by the pillar? Next to the girl dressed in all-white?” you ask him. His keen eye quickly finds the dark green jacket with an obnoxious amount of medals attached. “Captain Geoffrey van der Greiss, earned most of his fortune from smuggling. Open any crate with fish at the Eastern harbors and the sides of the box will be filled with cash. Yours to take if you can bear the smell.”

Kaz suddenly steps in your way, stopping you. His usual frown appears more like a scowl now. “Why are you telling me all of this?” he spits out. “You’re so eager to point me towards easy wealth. It’s not just about returning a favor, is it?”

You look away for a moment - you should have expected that if someone was to notice your motive, it would be Kaz Brekker himself. His face is still contorted into an expression of contempt or anger when your stare returns to him.

“Have you ever, even for a single second, considered what would have happened to me had my father been found guilty?” you ask in a hushed tone.

“I can’t say I have.”

“I often do. He would have been locked up in Hellgate or simply killed. The family fortune would dwindle rather quickly as my mother and I would live off of it. Then one day the money would run out, we’d have to sell our house and live modestly if not on the streets. No one would employ us because of the scandal and soon we’d find our place in a brothel. All of that did not happen because of you, Kaz.” His expression visibly softens, even if he’s doing his best not to show it. “I owe you my life.”

“I don’t want it.”

Without waiting for you to continue, he resumes walking towards the office door. Although off-limits to the guests, the manor staff is simply too busy to pay attention to anything else other than restocking drinks and food. On the other hand, the guards employed by Lord de Witt are so convinced drunk aristocracy doesn’t need nannies that they’re playing cards in some dark, isolated corner and drawing lots when someone has to go swipe some alcohol and lamb from the kitchen. Perhaps they are paid to complete much different tasks but if someone is familiar with de Witt’s banquets, they wouldn’t be exactly surprised - a scandal is yet to happen inside his manor.

You meet Kaz’s gaze but immediately regret it. There’s something both chilling with determination and burning hot with focus, making you feel rather flustered at the intensity of it all.

“Make sure no one comes in here,” he says quickly before swiftly crossing the remaining meters and sliding inside the room. For a man with a limp, he’s exceptionally agile.

Minutes go by while Kaz is absent and you begin to worry. What if someone caught him? Or if he got injured somehow? He may be something of an atelier of theft but he’s still a man, after all.

Debating whether to go after Kaz or trust his expertise, you don’t notice a young man approaching you:

“Excuse me, my lady, but you are the ambassador’s daughter, are you not?”

Torn out of your spiraling thoughts, you look up at him with wide eyes. He has a kind face with strong features. His tanned skin is in contrast with his creme-coloured suit, creating a quite enticing sight. Warm, brown eyes study you with interest.

“I am, master…” you make a meaningful pause.

The man immediately picks up on your cue. “Tolkov Ilya Romanovich. My father is the legat of Ketterdam’s Merchants’ Guild.” Contrary to Lord de Witt, Ilya doesn’t hesitate to plant a kiss on the back of your hand.

“Oh, I have heard about you. Horse racing enthusiast, is it not?”

He gives you a flustered chuckle. “My vices precede me, I see. As does your beauty, if I may say so.”

You feel your cheeks warm up. There’s something about Western men’s charm that really gnaws at a lady’s heart. “That’s very kind, master Tolkov.”

“Lord de Witt spoke of you with exceptional fondness. I thought it only appropriate to witness your marvel myself.”

At the same time, Kaz is slipping back through the office door into the ballroom. Judging by the lack of interest he attracts, none of the guests even noticed his disappearance. He is making his way back to you, when he catches the sight of a rather dignified man politely kissing your hand. Although you don’t look swept off your feet, there’s nothing akin to discomfort on your face either. Kaz feels sudden uneasiness in his chest like he’s watching something he shouldn’t be, while being unable to place his gaze elsewhere. He doesn’t even know his face has turned into a grimace of distaste.

“You’re finally back, my love!” you dramatically exclaim when Kaz reaches you and the stranger. His expression is rid of anything pleasant but you decide to play along for now. “Master Tolkov, this is my fiance, Igor Dreesen. Darling, this is the son of the legat of the Merchants’ Guild, Ilya Romanovich.”

Legat of the Merchants’ Guild? Finally someone worth knowing of.

Kaz shakes Ilya’s hand but that marks the extent of his politeness. “I do not take kindly to anyone descending on my lady,” he says in a stern voice.

“But of course, sir.” Tolkov nods curtly. Annoyed or not, he’s proficient at keeping his face blandly kind. “My sincere apologies.”

Ilya gently bows his head towards you before leaving the two of you alone. Your gaze follows him until the man disappears among coiffures and cylinders. Then, you look at Kaz with hardly hidden amusement:

“You play your part better than I was expecting.”

Kaz, however, completely ignores your comment. “The safe isn't here. It must be in the bedroom. Where is it?”

“Upper floor. There’s the grand staircase in the vestibule but we can take the kitchen stairs, there won't be many people in that part of the mansion.”

The presence of ground floor guards is revealed only by loud laughter from behind the door leading to the staff rooms. All of the guests could just leave at once and none of them would notice. Still, you’re exceptionally careful when sneaking between the tables that are bending under the weight of food - even a small misstep, nudging one of the silver platters, could cause a cacophony loud enough that someone might hear it, even if not the guards in question.

You’re leaning against the wall when walking up the spiral stairs. Cocking your head to the side, you’re trying to look into the hall on the first floor but there’s not much you can actually see. As it appears, theft takes a lot more faith than you had previously thought.

The upper floor guards are out of sight but you don’t let yourself give in to the sudden feel of relief - this is only the first step into this little big scheme. There’s still a safe to find and an exit to make.

There’s a long, red carpet covering most of the floor. Although it muffles Kaz’s cane, it also makes the steps of the guards hardly audible. If you do see one, you’ll have to rely on quick thinking and a certain level of stupidity accredited to aristocracy.

Left turn. Pair of doors. Two right turns. Another left and another right. And then - footsteps.

“Someone’s coming,” Kaz whispers. His keen eyes are scanning the long corridor to find anything remotely close to a hiding spot. Decorative cabinets could well work but only if the unwanted passerby doesn’t walk past them.

The idea, a true testimony of quick thinking and aristocratic carelessness, hits you like a bolt out of the blue:

“Push me against the wall,” you order him.

His head snaps towards you, eyes wider than you’ve ever seen. “What?” he stutters out.

“No one likes clingy couples.”

There isn’t any time to discuss and ponder as the footsteps grow louder. Visibly displeased, he puts his arm against the wall next to your head. At first you’re wondering just how enraged your father would be had he heard about this but then you smell Brekker’s cologne and suddenly one nervousness is changed for another, a more bashful one.

The footsteps, as one might expect, belong to a lonely guard patrolling the manor. His face is grim even before he notices the misplaced lovers. When his eyes do glance at you and Kaz, the soldier’s cheeks visibly raise and the frown quickly becomes more of an expression of disgust. Passing by the two of you, he grunts in distaste or irritation and continues walking farther down the corridor.

Kaz, to your surprising displeasure, wastes no time in putting more space between the two of you when the guard is out of sight. No words are exchanged like a collective agreement to pretend this little embarrassment had never taken place. But, it can’t really hurt him if he doesn’t know you’re thinking about it, can it?

With a confident push, you open the ivory-coloured door, their golden decorations glistening in dim lighting.

Lord de Witt’s bedroom is strangely dark compared to the rest of the house. At first glance, there is nothing that stands out as a possible hiding spot for a safe: a bed that could easily fit five people, a vanity with boxes of jewelry and cosmetics, a small desk with private correspondence, a cold fireplace, a folding screen. The artisan taxidermy hanging on the walls only adds a touch of grim macabre.

But a master thief is not so easily dissuaded. You watch Kaz in a slight confusion and interest as he walks through the room, gently knocking against solid wood or carefully. brushing his hand along some surfaces. More than once he tapped different parts of the floor with his cane, only to let out a short sigh as if the strange rite gave him some kind of information but not necessarily the one he was hoping for.

Then, as though he had known all along or played a secret magic trick, he pulls the base of a taxidermied boar’s head. The decoration, for a lack of better word, moves on hinges, revealing a strongbox - one of those that will survive explosives as the manufacturer promises. The safe has a dial and a handle, rendering any kind of traditional lockpicking useless. But Kaz Brekker, as you’re about to witness, is not much of a traditional thief either:

He puts his ear against the iron box, turning the dial a few times in one direction and the other. Then, he lays his other hand on the safe’s door, his whole body leaning against it. Kaz begins slowly turning the dial in one direction. A silence falls between the two of you.

You can’t be sure whether the tension you’re feeling is because of the hallway perplexity or because he’s so determined to open this strongbox but either way, you’re completely uncomfortable with that. “To be honest, I used to be intimidated by you,” you throw at him in hopes of some kind of conversation, no matter how pointless.

“What changed?” he asks in an absent voice. His hand stops turning the dial only to start rotating it in the opposite direction - whatever he’s doing, it seems to be working.

“You have turned out to make a rather lovely spouse.”

A loud click resounds in the room and Kaz immediately pushes down on the handle, opening the strongbox. He reaches inside, pulls out some documents and quickly reads through them. Some he puts back, others he stuffs between his waistcoat and shirt.

“Such nimble fingers you have. I know a market for that,” you joke partially expecting the thief to say something sultry enough to get you to be quiet for the rest of the night.

He spares you a glance and goes back to rummaging through the contents of the safe. In an unexpected act of goodwill, he takes only some of the cash. “Are you trying to flirt with me?”

“Even a lady of my sort has her weaknesses.”

You wait for his answer but Kaz doesn’t as much as look over his shoulder at you as though he hasn’t even heard your words. Although awkwardly, you patiently wait for him to be finished with whatever selective theft he’s committing. That tense silence again.

After a longer while, he closes the safe and locks it again. When he turns around to face you, something glistens between his fingers - a string of pinkish pearls. They flow along the shape of his hand as he offers you the necklace.

A quiet sigh escapes your lips. “I don’t want a payback, Kaz,” you shake your head to accentuate the refusal. “You have helped my family tremendously, this,” you make a vague gesture with your hand, “is the least I could do for you.”

“This isn’t payment,” he states.

Your eyebrows furrow. “Whatever do you mean?”

His intense gaze bores into you for a minute or two before he slowly answers. “It’s a bastard’s inclination.”

With a flustered ‘oh’, you take the string of pearls from him, feeling blood rushing to your cheeks. Still feeling his passionate gaze gliding along your face, you’re a little too abashed to meet his eye. Who would have thought - a thief with a heart!

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bee-nutauthor · 8 months

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Dimitrescu Sisters If they were Content Creators Headcanon (for fun)

Bela Dimitrescu

-The most wholesome, mom-esque content ever

-Will give you good life advice, whether it be shopping tips on how to get more groceries for less, or tips on how to manage your finances

-Makes cooking videos, sewing videos, make up videos, candle making videos, nail painting vidoes- basically anything to do with crafts and she's probably done it

-Speaks in a calm tone, has mellow music in the background

-Uses very calm colors in her videos, meaning her shirts are in cool tones of blues, grays, whites, and blacks.

-Her backdrop is a clean and organized space- a light wood bookshelf, plain walls, some minimalist flower vases, and a diffuser

-Is very organized with her schedule. Her videos are always up at the same time and day, and she follows a rotating schedule of what topics she will make videos for

-Controversies? None, unless you count the time she roasted a company who wanted her to do a paid promo for actually being toxic and causing them to shut down

-She is affectionately called 'Internet Mom'

-She does not understand the 'sorry, mommy' jokes and does not wish to

-Does not collab with other content creators, which lead to a conspiracy theory whether she actually existed in real life or was a robot

-Is sponsored mostly by clothing brands

Cassandra Dimitrescu

-She is a storytime channel, telling the most outlandish stories ever

-And they're all true. Her life is just like that

-She travels a lot for work so often she'll film travel vlogs or behind the scene vlogs

-Collabs all the time with other content creators

-Always has famous people on her channel

-Does Q and A's

-Her video uploading schedule is not super consistent due to her traveling a lot, and sometimes she'll post several videos in a row and then there will be nothing for a long time

-She has cycled through 5 public relationships within the first three months of her channel

-Has released music videos on her channel and is planning on releasing a full album. She always puts a lot of effort into her sets and costume design. Her singing is amazing as she's classically trained and can do opera too

-Has starred in other content creator's mini series on youtube and always draws the most views in

-Outfits are always changing depending on if she's traveling or making music videos

-Has made a few comedy skits here and there

-Controversies? There is a lot of drama circling around her and who she's hooking up with or who she'll go for next. A few people tried to call out her melodramatic behavior and instead of making an apology video Cassandra winked at the camera, sent the viewers a kiss and said "you know you love me like this," and ended the video like that.

-She was right. Her views only skyrocketed after this

-Gets many sponsorships, but donates the money from them to art or dance studios

Daniela Dimitrescu

-A streamer, she streams several hours a day in a row

-She does games mostly, with the occasional video filming her attempt to cook some horrific dish she found on the internet such as the toducken

-Has posted a few videos of herself doing tricks on her skateboard

-Has posted a few videos of her work out routines. Those have millions of views for reasons relating to her crop top and abs

-Has a set up with RGB lights in the back, and a mini fridge full of energy drinks

-Has the latest technology to play games on, but wears the same outfit almost always to her streams: a black tank top, a black hoodie with neon green writing on it, and a pair of headphones with cat ears on top

-Has dyed her hair many times but commonly sticks with her red hair, shaved on one side

-Has tattoos of her favorite video game characters on her arms and legs

-Will stream with other players and has done a handful of collabs but prefers playing single player games

-Rarely sleeps and has done several 24 hour streams for charity

-Controversies? She was accused of cheating when doing a speedrun but it was only the haters claiming she couldn't play

-Sponsored by raid shadow legends and other game companies

#resident evil #resident evil village #resident lover #daniela dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu #bela dimitrescu #the dimitrescu's as influencers

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noirgasmweetheart · 4 months

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I wish Peter Lorre had lived long enough to guest star on "the Muppet Show."

Peter Lorre seems like one of the celebs who would have enjoyed working with the Muppets, like his best friend Vincent Price did. He'd have been in his 70s, just the cutest old man, having a blast with Muppets.

You know they'd have made a fuzzy Peter Lorre parody Muppet for him to interact with.

They might do a "Maltese Penguin" skit, with Lorre doing a parody of Cairo's rant, perhaps at the Maltese Penguin itself, which of course would be alive.

And the episode would probably end with Lorre shouting, "Kermit, help me! Hide me!" as he's bombarded by penguins or Manaminas or something, and he'd just have the biggest smile on his face.

#peter lorre #muppet show #the muppet show #muppet #what if #casablanca #the maltese falcon #joel cairo #ugarte #the maltese penguin #penguins #mana mana #kermit help meee!

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marzipanandminutiae · 1 year

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you know, the Horrible Histories "Victorian names were WEIRD!!!!" skit leaves out some important info on some of the names (assisted by Ancestry.com searches):

Lettice Berger: "Lettice" was an anglicization of the Roman name "Leticia." Berger is just a normal German surname. Yes, they had the word "lettuce," and I'm sure the similarities occurred to them. But nobody named their child "lettuce" like the vegetable.

O.K. Johnson: Probably just the kid's initials. "O.K." as a slang term was invented in 1830s Boston, but without any evidence of when little O.K. lived (they don't cite any sourced for these names, how convenient), it's impossible to tell whether it would have crossed the pond by the time he was born.

Never [they pronounce the surname Rookrook]: I found a LOT of Nevers in the UK with Indian surnames. So uh. There's that. And a lot of census records online seem to have notes written by the census-taker mislabeled as names- "never opens door" was one I noticed. Just saying. I also found multiple "NEVA Rook" census entries- which probably would have been pronounced "NEE-vah" but sounds like "Never" with a British accent if you tilt your head and squint.

Toilet: Surprisingly common modern misreading of "Violet" on 19th-century censuses with bad handwriting.

Baboon: Found one census where it's a misreading of "Barbara;" others were non-Anglo names like Baban, Babyon, Babboni, etc.

Susan Semolina-Thrower: That's just two unfortuate surnames, I'm guessing? I can't find their sources, again, but I do find a lot of records of "Semolina" as a surname in the UK during the 19th century. The poor parents had no control over that, did they?

Happy: ...yeah, it's a virtue name. And? How is that weirder than Faith, Hope, Grace, Patience, Prudence, etc?

Evil: Another census misreading- usually "Evie."

Minty Badger: "Minty" is short for Araminta/Aminta/Arminta. Still sounds like a Discworld character, but nothing would sound normal with "Badger" as a surname. Araminta Badger at least makes more sense to modern ears, though.

Freezer Breezer: Breezer was a real surname, and parents can be cruel. I don't doubt that- my dad went to school with an "Emily Memily." that being said...I did find a "Fred R. Breezer" born in 1873 in England; see above re: census misreadings. Just throwing that out there. I found it as a corruption/misspelling of "Fraser/Frasier" too.

Scary Looker: I actually found this one. It was a misreading of "Jeany" on a census- the girl's name was Jane Looker, born 1841 in Lancashire to John and Elizabeth Looker. Nice research there, team.

Farting Clack: Fasting Clack or Clark, born 1863 in London. Another lovely misreading from the census. True "Fasting Clark" is not NOT a weird name, but it's a lot less horrible than "Farting Clack" and it makes sense under the Hyper-Christian Parents category.

Princess Cheese was real, not a nickname, and not a misreading or misspelling. Princess May Cheese was born in 1896 in West Bromwich. She married one John T. Brookes in 1914- possibly eager to no longer be a Cheese?

Multiple people really have been christened Bovril, most notably one Bovril Simpson, married in West Ham in 1911.

Incredibly, Raspberry/Rasberry/Roseberry is a real given name, and Lemon a real surname. Most people named Raspberry seem to have been men.

So that's only three of their Wacky Victorian Names that are actually 100% real. Nice job, there, team. I love Ghosts, but get your collective act together!

(They did once have a skit insisting that Victorians called trousers "the southern necessity" when that's actually a phrase from the writings of famously terrible 19th-century author Amanda McKittrick Ros, whose work her contemporaries loved poking fun at. So I shouldn't be surprised)

#horrible histories #fact-checking #victorian #long post

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adobe-outdesign · 1 year

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a while back I mentioned The Muppets Sex and Violence pilot and seeing as most people haven't seen it I wanted to bullet point out some of the insanity in it for everyone

This was the second pilot produced, with The Muppets Valentine Show being the first

The entire thing USED to be freely available on YouTube but Disney decided a pilot from 1975 that you can't watch on Disney+ anyway was losing them money so I had to cobble these notes together via memory and YouTube clips

The setup is a bit different from the actual show. There's no guest star (this idea was instead used for the aforementioned first pilot), there's very little backstage story and more focus on unconnected skits

There's no background music throughout most of it and pacing is sluggish at best, leaving periods of silence behind. about halfway through you WILL start to wonder if you're in Muppet Purgatory

Instead of Kermit the host is a guy named Nigel. I'll probably make a separate post on him later but for right now all you need to know is that he has the personality of wet cardboard and looks like he wants to lie down and take a nap 24/7 which like. same

For some reason the main three characters are Nigel, Sam the Eagle, and Floyd(???). Kermit shows up for like 30 seconds

Crazy Harry is in. the ceiling??

Animal is there but he's literally so feral he's kept locked in a dungeon that they have in the conference room (as you do)

Janice has a line and sounds absolutely nothing like herself (as Fran Brill is her performer here instead of Richard Hunt)

There's a wiseman in the backstage area and nothing about him is ever explained. they're just like "oh and that's our wiseman"

The seven deadly sins are there. that sounds like a joke but it's not

Their version of Lust is a Muppet made entirely of tongues that flirts with the female secretary then proceeds to say "love you, sweetheart" to Nigel after giving him a full-body look-over. To date this is unironically the best depiction of Lust I have ever seen

Actually a few of the sins have cool abstract designs. for example, Vanity is a literal vanity desk and Avarice is a cash register

Their proposal for an eight deadly sin is "wearing funny pants to a funeral"

at least one of the female Muppets that Kermit briefly dances with looks like This

There's a sketch just called "Aggression" that's done entirely in gibberish and about halfway through I wondered if I was having a stroke

There's also a sketch involving living pencils and puns

The Electric Mayhem perform a song and it's just straight up 90% innuendo

Statler and Waldorf have a few scenes but they're just sitting in a room instead of heckling and come across like they're Literally Dying

at one point the grandfather clock in the background stops ticking and Statler just says "either that clock is stopped or we've just died" and that's the last we see of them

The Swedish Chef segment has Chinese subtitles under it and honestly that kind of makes it funnier

also at the end of the segment the Chef takes out a blunderbuss and shoots a sandwich with it

During the credits the camera pulls back to reveal all the Muppet performs running around. Disney would NEVER

Sloth shows up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks

#muppets #the muppets #the muppet show #pilot episode #outdesign posts things #'these notes are scattershot and incoherent' congrats! now you know what watching the special is like #I don't know why I bothered typing all this other than a need to bring semi-obscure muppet trivia to the masses #greatest hits

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cleolinda · 1 year

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(For our purposes, listen to it without the visuals first.)

I wasn't going to keep posting about Unreal Unearth, but something happened yesterday.

It's been five months since I first heard this song, and I'm still astonished by it. You know the tiktok skit about the Star Wars wedding music, and the guy is grooving along until the Imperial Death March filters in, and then he's kind of alarmed, like, wha—? And then he realizes it slaps anyway and he keeps dancing? That is "Eat Your Young."

It's the morning of March 17th. The EP with the first three singles from the new album has dropped. I've got my phone blasting the song on the bathroom counter, I don't understand half what the man is saying nor did I expect to, I'm cheerfully mumbling along in the shower, grooving along,

wait they did what for a war drum

Get some Pull up the ladder when the flood comes Throw enough rope until the legs have swung Seven new ways that you can eat your young Come and get some Skinning the children for a war drum Putting food on the table selling bombs and guns It's quicker and easier to eat your young

What the fuck, this song goes so hard. That's the chorus. The conceit of the whole album is that it loosely follows Dante's Inferno, so this is the third circle of hell, gluttony. Hozier himself says that he wasn't specifically thinking of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal—

“I don’t know how intentional the reference to Jonathan Swift was in this. That essay [Swift’s 1729 satirical essay A Modest Proposal in which he suggests the Irish poor sell their children as food] is such a cultural landmark that it’s just hanging in the air. I was more reflecting on what I felt now in this spirit of the times of perpetual short-term gain and a long-term blindness. The increasing levels of precarious living, poverty, job insecurity, rental crisis, property crisis, climate crisis, and a generation that’s inheriting all of that and one generation that’s enjoyed the spoils of it. The lyrics are direct, but the voice is playful. There’s this unreliable narrator who relishes in this thing which was fun to write.” [Apple Music album notes]

—and I believe him. The song's not a suggestion, a proposal; it's an invitation to atrocity in progress. I also believe he probably wasn't thinking of Greta Thunberg's iconic speech at the UN Climate Action Summit, not specifically, but that's what I hear in the song, like the flip side of a coin:

You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. And yet I'm one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you! [...] You say you hear us and that you understand the urgency. But no matter how sad and angry I am, I do not want to believe that. Because if you really understood the situation and still kept on failing to act, then you would be evil.

I feel like on some level, even coincidentally, "Eat Your Young" is the answer to the question, what would you sound like if you were that evil? Who would you be? I can think of a dozen possibilities just off the top of my head or looking around my blog, from something as petty as studio executives mangling trees to deprive striking workers of shade (while hoping they lose their homes), all the way up to the US school-to-prison pipeline. The National Rifle Association keeps politicians in its pocket while the US has more mass shootings than days in a year, Nestlé fucks shit up around the world as a way of life, even ChatGPT sucks up water while threatening jobs—and for what? And yet, I promise you most of these things weren't the inspiration for an Irishman’s song—some of them hadn't even happened yet. There's just that much fresh You Would Be Evil to go around. I am certain that Hozier wrote the song partly about (as one article puts it) "Ireland's housing crisis: Millennials, a generation sacrificed," given that time back in the day when he helped occupy a building—a housing crisis happening in multiple countries. There's so much of the world I'm not touching on. I can stuff a paragraph with links and it's utterly inadequate.

I haven't even mentioned war.

There's an overwhelming sense this decade of the future being fed into a meat grinder. That sense is in this song. What would it sound like to be in the head of someone who didn't give a shit about anything but profit? Well, it might sound like this.

And if you haven't heard it, well—I'm going to sound absolutely out of my mind after saying all that, but "Eat Your Young" has a beat and you can dance to it. It's sexy. And I'm certain that's on purpose. You get seduced into the sound of it, as if by something demonic, something that enjoys sucking down the future and is not going to stop. And the sheer fucking catchiness of the song keeps you listening to it—thinking about it—when maybe you push away the dry headlines we get everyday. If you let this song stay in your head, it becomes a lens. Five months later, I still think about it when I read the news. Maui was on fire and tourists stayed. Within days, the prospect of developers swooping in to buy up land reared its head. If there's something still to take, there is ground to break, whatever's still to come. Get some.

I was born in 1978 —I'm late Gen X. In my forties, I'm young enough to worry about the future still; I’m neither so rich that I can just plan to retire to Mars, nor so old that I can know I'll be safely gone before the world might go up in flames. But I'm also not my nephew, whose school year just started back up, or the neighborhood kids who race him home down the sidewalk in the afternoons. Yesterday, he had his very first mass-shooter lockdown drill. He’s six.

I think music can put the feeling back into numb fingers, and I think that's why "Eat Your Young" works so well—Hozier calls the song fun and playful, and I think you have to have that, something you can live with rather than just switch off for your own mental survival. We need music to feed spirit at protests; we need something to keep our feet moving. Don’t give up, don't close your eyes and slip away. Those kids, they have dreams we could try to steal back for them.

Since I mentioned Maui:

Why Hawaiian sovereignty has undeniable context for the Maui fires

The Climate Crisis and Colonialism Destroyed My Maui Home. Where We Must Go From Here

How You Can Donate and Help Support Maui Communities Right Now

The Maui Strong Fund

#music #music discussion #hozier #long post #eat your young #Spotify

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atopfourthwall · 2 months

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More of a fan letter than an ask lol

Fun story to maybe clear your pallet from that Trumper weirdo, but when I was like 12 I found a brown tiny fedora trilby that I wore everywhere cause I was a huge fan of yours specifically and I practiced a bunch to do the flippy flourish thing you do in the intro. Once I got it down I wore it to my uncle's house and I was so eager to show it off and I did it- I think well, but he said "Oh that's smooth" I GOT SO EMBARRASSED TO THIS DAY I DON'T IF HE WAS SARCASTIC OR NOT and I never wore that hat again lol. I did end up buying multiple fancy hats later in life cause I just love the fedora thing so ya know, is all good. ALSO I STOLE THE I AM A MAN JOKE FOR A MINI ANTI DRUG SKIT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL which is probably the more embarrassing/interesting anecdote. BUT UHH- I hope this provides some good spirits anyways!

It does! And honestly, I don't think the asker was being pro-Trump or anything; was just a weird suggestion. Character flaws are one thing and it's not a bad idea to suggest them, it's just such an out there one that I could not fathom making the connection. Also, while I wasn't there, I bet it wasn't sarcastic! Being able to do a trick with a hat and whatnot IS smooth and you should be proud! =)

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lowkeyrobin · 5 months

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could you do what kind of pets/animals the ghostbusters would get with you please

yeah sure!! ; I apologize if this is super short bc idrk what to put lmfaoooo ; thanks for requesting, hope you enjoy!! ; someone tell me when gbfe will be on digital bc I need new banners already...

GHOSTBUSTERS ; pet palooza

includes ; trevor, phoebe, podcast & lucky

warnings ; language

disclaimers ; I wrote this with them being older, like living in an apartment together, like long after frozen empire for context lol

masterlist

TREVOR

an orange cat & a tuxedo cat

first was the orange cat, he's super cuddly and attached to you at the hip

you guys wanted him to have a friend cause like, he probably gets lonely cause you're either doing shit with your life or ghostbusting when you aren't home with him

then came the tuxedo.

absolute menace holy shit

she tears up EVERYTHING, she's constantly got the zoomies too, and is always fighting with the orange cat 💀💀 (playfully)

trevor thinks it's hilarious

"y/n the cats are fighting again!"

"go buddy! kick her ass!"

literally just WWE with cats in that apartment

PHOEBE

fish

a whole aquarium of little fish

she's in love with skeleton fish (the ones thatre transparent and you can see their bones and stuff)

it's a lot to maintain the tank and not accidently sucking a stray fish into the sink, but it's worth it

then you got some snails as well

lots of egg crushing...

and lots of jokes about egg crushing tiktoks and recording her smashing the eggs

you made an awful decision to put them in a blender, which trevor joked about trying to drink 💀💀💀

PODCAST

a dog

to be fair, she's adorable

she's a german sheppard 🫶🫶

but podcast 100% named her something stupid, and you agreed to it

you go on long walks together anyways, so adding a dog to it was no biggie

it's giving one of those adopt a dog commercials

like soft kind of blurry lighting and slomo clips of people happy with a dog LMFAO

that dog can tackle and he didn't really know until he was tackled to the floor 😭 learned his lesson not to fuck around with treats

LUCKY

hamsters

she seems like a critter rescuer

like you've got all sorts of toys and stuff around your apartment and little tunnels too

(idk shit about hamsters so I apologize if any of this is just straight up wrong, do not take animal advice (if it's not cats) from me LMAO)

she's got a problem with buying hamster toys (and clothes) istg

you've got like 4 hamsters

you guys made them a tiktok page and they have like 10k followers 💀

from stupid skits to soap operas 😭🙏 it's mostly a drama page for hamsters by hamsters

they act like you're just living in their house idtg

#lowkeyrobin #ghostbusters afterlife #ghostbusters frozen empire #ghostbusters oneshot #ghostbusters preferences #ghostbusters x reader #trevor spengler x reader #phoebe spengler x reader #podcast x reader #lucky domingo x reader #gender neutral reader #gn reader #they/them reader #gn! reader

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thv-jk97 · 2 months

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Tae has lied/embellished/bluffed before though, several times. I wouldn’t say he lied though, more like bluffed or embellished and not with evil intentions but just because he doesn’t know that fans take his words too literally. He did it during the vminkook live when he spoke about himself and Jk working on a song. He was clearly bluffing and Jk knew it but fans took him seriously. He did it during his Vicnic where he said he would make a song with Jimin and go on running man with him and even Jimin mentioned during his fan meet that he didn’t know what tae was talking about and that he just said it, he also kinda did when he posted that fake tattoo on his insta stories. I don’t think he is a liar I just think he embellishes, leaves out relevant context and bluffs probably because he doesn’t know how literally fans take everything they say. Everytime he has mentioned something that happened with Jk and then Jk got to talk about it, Jk gave more context which then made it look like tae lied. When tae spoke about recording in Jk’s place, he gave so little context so anyone cld add or subtract what they wanted from the story but when Jk explained it, he said Tae suddenly reached out to him and asked to try recording at his place after he got new equipment. The way Jk explained it takes out that romantic tone that pple tried to add there so even though tae didn’t lie, he left it open for anyone to add or reduce context. I’m pretty sure if Jk ever gets to speak abt Hawaii, it wouldn’t be as sweet as Tae made it to be.

Do you even realize how flawed your logic is here, anon? Why should Tae be labeled a liar/embellisher/attention seeker because of what OTHER people interpret from the things he says? Why is he responsible for what other people "add or take away"? Do you realize how stupid that is?

The song thing from the vminkook live WAS A SKIT. Which they do ALL THE TIME. Why is Tae the only one that gets labeled a liar when JK played along with the skit? By your logic, isn't JK a liar then? The Running Man thing and song thing with JM were obviously jokes and anyone familiar with how Tae talks and how he engages with people would know that. Nothing Tae said about recording a song at JK's place turned out to be untrue!? JK literally just confirmed everything he told us. The fake tattoo thing is so stupid because he literally got a real tattoo that same day and for all we know, he was actually considering getting the tattoo there. So what is the purpose of pointing that out? Again, why is he responsible for whatever theories other people come up with?

All of the other members make little jokes or say things that aren't true but only Tae gets labeled a liar for doing the SAME things that everyone else does. Is JM also a liar for saying that he'll do a live with JK and not doing it? Is he a liar for saying that he's going to go to JK's house to eat the ramen he made? No. Because it's not that serious. There are tons of other examples from the other members as well, but no one pays attention to those in the same way that they do with Tae. Why is he the only one being held to some ridiculous standard that the fandom imposes on him?

You and anyone who wants to perpetuate this bullshit narrative are so full of shit. You want him to be a liar because you don't agree/like what he says. Just say you don't like him or understand him and move onnnnnnn 🙄

#asks #taehyung #getting real sick of this narrative

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pixelatedraindrops · 5 months

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RAINCODE COMIC DUB~🎙️

NEW PROJECT ALERT!

Story takes place at the start of Chapter 4 (MINOR SPOILERS)

Comic Title drawn by Kazin (as well as the whole comic)

Here's the Dub! Vocals and Editing done by me 🎙️📑 Enjoy!!

Further Rambling Below

Hehe I bet you all didn't think voice acting was among my list of hidden hobbies/talents didja? (I’m just full of surprises x3) Well... I can only hope that I delivered well enough here. (please feel free to laugh at my attempted Yakou voice… LMAO)

So this is yet another collab project that @kazinsblog and I did together. The story is based on a kokowendy ch4 canon divergent skit that I made way back last fall. When Kazin saw it, she wanted to make it into a full comic. I didn't protest (I never do LOL) but then I wanted to try something.

I've never attempted a solo dub of a comic before, and honestly I didn't think I would with RainCode due to a majority of the characters being male. Sadly with my naturally high voice I can only do so much with attempting male voices. I usually only do female or child character voices.

But since Kurumi is the lead role of this story, and has the most lines, I decided to give it a try. I do love Kurumi (she's my best girl) so I hope I did her justice here. I like to think I did her voice fairly well. I struggled a bit with the guys (and Halara) but I think my Yuma is decent enough... x'D (plus it was really fun making him sound tired and out of breath :3)

I do enjoy Kokowendy as a ship, though I'm not a huge shipper. But these two are just too cute... ;w; So I think a scenario like this suits them both. Plus it gives Kurumi a chance to be reliable and try to help her beloved hero in his time of need <3 Honestly it can even be seen as platonic. Its very tame (the only small hint is that Yuma blushes at some point, but that's it)

I had a lot of fun doing this!! I got the voices and editing done in only 3 days, so it’s definitely not a long lasting project. (on my end anyway) But I still think it’s a pretty big project with all of the work both of us did. Editing the video was probably the most fun part for me >w< I knew exactly what BGM and sound effects I wanted months in advance c: I only hope I did the editing style of it right. Comic dubs are very peculiar in the way they’re done… 💦 (also no I’m not putting this on YouTube, this is a tumblr exclusive ONLY! And I give NOBODY permission to re-upload it without my consent!)

I’m not sure if I'm the first that's attempted a RC comic dub before, but if I am, then I am very happy c: Idk if I'll do another full one though. Like I said too many of the characters are male... x'D This may be a one time thing for me here. But if I were to do one, I figured why not on a comic that was made specifically for me? c: (ty again kazin!💕)

Anyway I'm done yapping now, I hope you all enjoy! 💜 Feel free to let me know what you think or which role you enjoyed from me the most! (tho I think the answer is obvious lol)

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babyleostuff · 1 year

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hi!!! i always read your svt as your boyfriend series and was wondering if you could do seungkwan because i miss him so much :< thank you so much and keep up the great amazing work!! (now im going to read through every fic in your masterlist lol)

so so happy to hear that you enjoy my work love! as we all miss our sungkwan here is a lil sweet seungkwan headcanon <3

SEUNGKWAN AS YOUR BOYFRIEND

genre | fluff

author's note | if you want me to write this with any other member that I haven't done yet, let me know <3

𓆩♡𓆪 your personal entertainer, but also a baby that has to be taken care of

𓆩♡𓆪 he is always soft and gentle with you, in everything that he does

𓆩♡𓆪 even during fights, he cannot bring himself to raise his voice at you

𓆩♡𓆪 he is probably also the emotional one in your relationship - if he ever sees any hints of tears in your eyes, he’ll probably cry as well

𓆩♡𓆪 just because he is so precious and loving, he can’t stand seeing you sad and upset

𓆩♡𓆪 that’s where his entertainment persona comes in

𓆩♡𓆪 loves making you laugh and giggle with his skits and role plays (is always so proud of himself after he made you laugh or even smile for that matter)

𓆩♡𓆪 he can be bickering with the boys and fighting Soonyoung at the same time, but the moment he lays his eyes on you, he’s all 🥰

𓆩♡𓆪 sometimes he gets jealous if other people steal your attention from him

𓆩♡𓆪 usually he won’t do anything about it, but you quickly realise that something is wrong with him

𓆩♡𓆪 so you politely excuse yourself and go back to your boyfriend to shower him with attention and a lot of affection, that will leave him blushing

𓆩♡𓆪 always gives you his hoodies and shirts for you to wear before he goes on tour, so that it smells like you after

𓆩♡𓆪 this serves as a little reminder that even if you're not physically around him, you're still out there waiting for him

𓆩♡𓆪 he’s very cuddly with you, he loves having his arms around you (this mostly happens when you two are alone, he’s all over you then)

𓆩♡𓆪 but when you're around other people, the furthest he goes is holding your hand

𓆩♡𓆪 it’s not that he is embarrassed (he could never be embarrassed because of you), he’s just too shy

𓆩♡𓆪 still, everyone around can see how smitten he is, just by the way he looks at you

𓆩♡𓆪 always has you close to him in big crowds (once when you got lost he almost had a heart attack)

𓆩♡𓆪 also gets shy if you praise him for his work, because in his eyes it’s not that big of a deal

𓆩♡𓆪 but for you it is everything

𓆩♡𓆪 sings you to sleep (sometimes he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it, at this point it’s just a habit for him)

𓆩♡𓆪 you’ll lay facing each other, one of his hands holding yours and the other stroking your cheek gently

𓆩♡𓆪 has the softest and most loving expression when he sees that you have fallen asleep

𓆩♡𓆪 I think I cannot stress this enough, but he is just so in love with you

𓆩♡𓆪 always has his hand on your cheek when you kiss

𓆩♡𓆪 even if it’s just a small and quick peck, he will put his hand on your cheek and stroke it with his thumb

𓆩♡𓆪 sends you a lot of random photos when he’s away to keep you updated with everything that he does

𓆩♡𓆪 and always brings something from a foreign country that reminded him of you

𓆩♡𓆪 you probably have at least one matching item, like a necklace or a bracelet

𓆩♡𓆪 something small that only you know about

𓆩♡𓆪 so that every time you look at it, it reminds you of the other person

𓆩♡𓆪 introduces you to Bookkeu, which you grew to love in an instant

𓆩♡𓆪 taking him on walks and walking around Jeju is his favourite activity to do with you

𓆩♡𓆪 it feels so domestic to him - you with him in his hometown, spending time with his family and his beloved dog

𓆩♡𓆪 you’re the first person he looks for when he’s tired, both physically and mentally

𓆩♡𓆪 because he knows that you never judge him and that he is safe with you

𓆩♡𓆪 so hiding in your arms is his number one source of comfort

𓆩♡𓆪 no matter how much he loves being babied by you, he also loves to be the person that takes care of you

𓆩♡𓆪 it makes him feel like he's doing a good job as a boyfriend and that he can reciprocate the times when he’s away

𓆩♡𓆪 which you never blame him for, you know that he loves his job

𓆩♡𓆪 but he feels guilty for being away so much

𓆩♡𓆪 nonetheless, you are each others source of comfort

your messages <3

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