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[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Winter Soldier #15

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

“Please, let him be soft. I know you made him with gunmetal bones and wolf’s teeth. I know you made him to be a warrior a soldier a hero. But even gunmetal can warp and even wolf’s teeth can dull and I do not want to see him break the way old and worn and overused things do. I do not want to see him go up in flames the way all heroes end up martyrs. I know that you will tell me that the world needs him. The world needs his heart and his faith and his courage and his strength and his bones and his teeth and his blood and his voice and his– The world needs anything he will give them. Damn the world, and damn you too. Damn anyone that ever asked anything of him, damn anyone that ever took anything from him, damn anyone that ever prayed to his name. You know that he will give them everything until there is nothing left of him but the imprint of dust where his feet once trod. You know that he will bear the world like Atlas until his shoulders collapse and his knees buckle and he is crushed by all he used to carry. Dear God, you have already made an Atlas. You have already made an Achilles and an Icarus and a Hercules. You have already made so many heroes, and you can make another again. You can have your pick of heroes. So please, I beg you– he is all that I have, and you have so many heroes and the world has so many more. Let him be soft, and let him be mine.”

— Please, let him be happy ( j.p. )

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

If a child abuse survivor becomes obsessed with seeking validation, it’s not because they’re attention-seeking. It’s because they were raised in a world where the abuse they experienced was normalized and/or neglected. Therefore, the need to feel validated by someone who had a healthy childhood comes from the desire to know if what they experienced is problematic or not. We don’t crave attention. We crave the truth.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

The other thing about depression is it kind of collapses time. Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.

-Rue {Euphoria}

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

I cannot understand what takes someone to intentionally want to cause harm to somebody else.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Hate it's something that consumes you little by little, that takes every bit of positive feelings that you may have. It doesn't matter if it's for yourself or for everybody else. It destroys every single part of you and everything that you love. Until everything becomes nothing.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Writing Mastelist

- Inertia

“Was it really just a few hours ago? It seemed to me like a tortuous eternity. Maybe I was dead and this was my personal hell. Wasn't that how it worked? Hell is nothing more than the place where sinful souls find themselves and receive their inevitable and uninterrupted punishment. Yes, I was sure I was in hell and this pain was the punishment for all my sins.” 

- Small Slips  

“Her deep brown eyes roam freely in my mind instated of my demons, and immediately, I feel my heart squeeze. I remember the way she looked so misunderstood the last time we met. I had never seen her so lost, as if no path attracted her, as if she expected nothing of life, as if no one really saw her. It was as if she had become invisible when her thoughts started to be too complicated for the futile people who roam this world.

- Control

“How it came to that point? I didn’t know. I didn’t know how easily I had lost control of myself. How had I not noticed that he was getting stronger with each passing year, that his stillness and calm would only mean a storm in the future? How could I not have noticed that he was feeding so imperceptibly on my frustration and anger? Why wasn’t I more careful, more attentive? How could I let that chaos come again? All the signs were there, waiting to be noticed, but I was too sloppy to see them.

In that moment when I was only a few hours away from losing the battle, I had a moment of clarity. I could see everything clearly. All my mistakes, all choices that brought me here, to this confrontation.”

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Control

a short history by me (music: take control by kodaline )

The monster smiled widely, pleased to see me so openly surrendered to his wishes.

This is what he wanted, this is what he has been waiting for all this time. His expected revenge. He looked forward to the day that would see me weakened enough for him to take control. He was getting stronger, and I knew it was only a matter of time - very little time - before he totally broke free from the prison I had built so carefully so many years ago.

How it came to that point? I didn't know. I didn't know how easily I had lost control of myself. How had I not noticed that he was getting stronger with each passing year, that his stillness and calm would only mean a storm in the future? How could I not have noticed that he was feeding so imperceptibly on my frustration and anger? Why wasn't I more careful, more attentive? How could I let that chaos come again? All the signs were there, waiting to be noticed, but I was too sloppy to see them.

In that moment when I was only a few hours away from losing the battle, I had a moment of clarity. I could see everything clearly. All my mistakes, all choices that brought me here, to this confrontation.

And to think that trapping him was the most difficult thing I ever did in my miserable life. Fool the smartest and finally shut him up. For so long I had kept control of that disturbing monster that inhabited my being. I believed I had won when I put him in that hideous prison I built just for him. I thought, or rather, I hoped foolishly that his silence meant his weakness.

I still clearly remember his fury and his murderous look, but most of all, I remember his promise of revenge where he had sworn that he would take anything and anyone I came to love. I knew that promise was true, I knew that he would make me pay so painfully that he would have his revenge, but not against me. Against her. Against whom I love.

He looked at me with his arrogance, enjoying every moment of weakness, feeling the control being passed to him little by little. I had no strength left to fight, not against him, not against the feeling. I could already feel the warm leaving my body, the freezing cold enveloping me to the bone.

The terrifying feeling just accelerated the process, even though I tried to stay calm, even though I tried to keep my heartbeat in check. It was too late, we both knew that I had lost the battle since his first strike.

My carelessness had ruled out any chance that I had to beat him, and now, everything that I’ve ever loved would pay for my mistake. 

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Small Slips

a short history by me (music: mountains of the moon - bayou)

The nights were the worst hours. It was when thoughts became denser, heavier, more unstable and confused. They knew exactly how to arrest me, torture me. They knew exactly how to hit me. My own mind became a dangerous trap, they let the monsters of my past roam freely.

I turn over on the bed sheets, trying to find some kind of tranquillity for my troubled mind, but peace didn't seem to want to find me tonight. When I finally gave up, frustrated and tired for another restless night, I stared at the ceiling of the dark apartment. Only the lights of the city that doesn't sleep illuminated the room.

I get up and go to the small window and watch the night sky. The noise of cars, of the alive city in the middle of the night, was heard in the distance. The first clear thought I can think of was her and where she would be at that moment.

Her deep brown eyes roam freely in my mind instated of my demons, and immediately, I feel my heart squeeze. I remember the way she looked so misunderstood the last time we met. I had never seen her so lost, as if no path attracted her, as if she expected nothing of life, as if no one really saw her. It was as if she had become invisible when her thoughts started to be too complicated for the futile people who roam this world.

I run a hand through my shallow hair, wondering why I couldn't get this girl out of my head. I had seen broken and hopeless people before. So why did her hopelessness, in particular, bother me to the point of keeping me up at night?

I started to think about the way the girl acted, trying to find the reason behind that mystery. When I first met her, all I saw was a girl full of life, who brought smiles wherever she went. I could never imagine that someone so sweet would be able to bring so much darkness inside.

We all have darkness within us. Traumas or poorly resolved conflicts that leave marks on the soul. Usually, these people are noticeable to me. I can quickly identify when this darkness is dense and heavy, I can see the reasons. No matter how much that person is able to hide the pain, I can see beyond it. I can often help, I am able to work the marks that exist in their souls so that they do not go deeper, or become permanent. But not her.

For some reason, I couldn't see the darkness in her heart. I couldn't tell how hurt she was, or how much she was suffering in agonised silence.

She was extremely careful with her emotions and expressions. She was excellent at changing direction when someone saw something different in her eyes. She was good at avoiding, pretending and hiding. she knew how to play around and she was excellent, little few people could deceive me like that.

However, that game didn’t last long. Little by little I noticed the small slips that she made without realising it. How she smiled even when a comment hurt her, how she dismissed that criticism with a joke that made everyone laugh, and when she thought no one was looking, she allowed the smile to fall just a little. I realised how she always worried about pleasing everyone, how she rarely said anything about herself, the way in which she genuinely cared for those she considered friends, and how she was afraid that they wouldn't really care about her. She was a lonely soul, one who suffered in silence, and did not like to feel weak, who did not trust the intentions of others and was afraid of getting hurt.

All these little slips were imperceptible, just someone who really wanted to pay attention could truly see. All these details about her personality enchanted me and urged me to look for the truth.

And I'll find it. I'll unlock the secrets of that dark heart. I’ll understand everything that went through that mind.

Without thinking twice, I take my coat to protect myself from the cold night and went out to the city that never sleeps. I had to start thinking clearly about this, and only with the sound of the sea would my mind allow me to do that.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Inertia

by me (music - body by SYML)

I felt nothing.

Some distant part of me was aware that I was walking down the empty avenue, and that it would probably be wise to be aware of my surroundings, but I couldn't care less. If my body was on fire, or if an asteroid hit Earth at that moment, I'm sure I would still be inert to the whole situation. If the world was ending, I would welcome destruction.

Incomplete and incoherent thoughts wandered through my confused mind, I just let them come and go. My body didn't seem to belong to me. I had no control over it, as if my spirit was in another reality and my body was trapped in this miserable life.

My feet automatically took me to the tiny apartment I lived. I didn't consider that place my home, it was just the roof under which I slept when I was tired enough to be taken by sleep.

I briefly registered my stomach flipping when I opened the door, my body being carried by an invisible force to the bathroom and the next thing I know I’m on my knees in front of the toilet, projecting out the little food I had eaten that day. The whole episode had brought me back to being painfully aware of my own body.

No. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to be present. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to have my lungs fighting for air, or to hear my heart breaking because that painful memory. I just wanted emptiness and numbness. I just wanted the muffled stillness of my troubled mind. It was better than reliving the pain those words had caused.

Was it really just a few hours ago? It seemed to me like a tortuous eternity. Maybe I was dead and this was my personal hell. Wasn't that how it worked? Hell is nothing more than the place where sinful souls find themselves and receive their inevitable and uninterrupted punishment. Yes, I was sure I was in hell and this pain was the punishment for all my sins.

I take my legs to my chest slowly hugging myself tightly, trying to protect myself from the vulnerability I felt. I rest my head on the icy tile and close my eyes, only then realising the tears that were streaming slowly down my cheeks, like a sad reminder of the feelings that rocked my chest.

"You are the problem."

Don't remember. Don't remember. Don't remember. I silently begged myself.

"You and all this darkness."

I know quite well what I am and what I am not. I know I’m a difficult and complicated person. I know there's a darkness in my heart that scared the people around me, and for that fact, I didn't blame them. I was fully and painfully aware of everything, but this fact, all these truths that lived in my mind and heart daily, were never as painful to face as when I heard those words from his mouth.

When I heard all my flaws and defects in his mouth, the weight of those mistakes tripled under my shoulders, made me small compared to them, because he was the only person who made my mistakes seem not so big, and who convinced me that despite them, I could still be loved, that I deserved to be loved. He was the only person who believed that, and it made me believe it too.

I became dependent on those words and statements, I could only believe them if they were spoken by his mouth, and that dependence, which was not healthy in any way, was the only thing that kept me up for so long.

Now that the words and presence were gone, all the strength in my body was gone with them, and physical and mental exhaustion took over my being. I stayed on that filthy floor for hours, just analysing, observing and contemplating all the things that got me here. I brood over every dubious decision, every time I shut up my screaming intuition telling me that at the end of it all, I would end up alone, and more broken than I already am.

"You deserve it." A bitter voice told me. "You deserve this pain."

It was true. As much as he hated the truth and the messenger voice, it knew that everything it said was true. I ignored all the signs, all the warnings, all the requests, all the past experiences. "This time it will be different" I told myself

"You deserve it. All of that.” The cruel voice told me without caring what it did to my already empty heart.

It was true. I deserved it. I deserved it all.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

I dreamed…of becoming important to someone. Someday. You’re important to me.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

Books

Dear Friend, 

Books are a very important part of my life. It’s where I scape from my reality and go in adventures. Sometimes, I feel like I am one of them. Anyway, I thought you would like to know a bit more about me and what I like. If you didn’t read them already, I very strongly recommend you do. You’ll not regret.

Love always, Jhenny 

Ps: These aren't all the books I've read in my life, just the ones I read after I started writing to you.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”

Synopsis: A shy young man hides in his own world until he meets two brothers who help him live new experiences. While happy in this new phase, he does not forget the sorrows of the past, which stem from a shocking revelation.

The Silent Waters by  Brittainy C. Cherry

"Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. One must learn to be discerning with one’s own thoughts. We must be able to decipher the truth versus the lies of our minds. Otherwise, we become enslaved to the shackles of struggle we place on our own ankles."

Synopsis: Maggie and Brooks, who know each other when they were kids, Maggie being a very talkative kid and Brooks being the typical boy-hating girl, until one day an event causes Maggie to be traumatized and lose her voice, With this a very strong friendship begins between them.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

mind & missed

December 09, 2019

Dear Friend, (music: mind by sleeping at 

So much happened in the past days, I don't even know where to start.  

Mike and I fought, pretty bad. The reason was because I wasn't happy with our relationship. Just the title of "girlfriend" isn't enough for me. The past few days I didn't even feel like I had a boyfriend. We didn't talk, we barely saw each other because of work... I don't blame him. Isn't anybody’s fault. But I told him.  

The thing is:  We already had this conversation before. At some point in our relationship, I felt the same way, and he had promised me that things were going to change. But they didn't. 

"I don't feel like you're my boyfriend anymore!" I yelled at him. "Sometimes it feels like the person I fell in love two years ago it's gone, and all I see it's a stranger!" 

That hurt him. He got his things, and left. That broke me. I had multiplus panics attacks because of it, and I just got better when my friend (that is more like a brother) John called me, and calmed me down.  

The next day we talked. 

"I know my word doesn't mean anything to you anymore." He said, with a painful expression on his face. "But I'll try to get better." 

"Your word can't mean anything anymore." I said, dead serious. "But mine does. So play attention to it. The next time this happen, it's over." 

Since then, things seems to be better. I've never felt so unstable, like I don't have anything that's actually right in my life. Adults feel like this too? I just want to know everything will be fine. Because I don't feel fine. I don't feel like belonging in anywhere. I feel like everyone wants something from me now, and I don't want to let them down. I feel like I'm just floating around, trying to survive one day after another, without nobody really caring about how I'm doing. I feel like I make no difference in nobody's life's. I feel like if I disappeared, nobody would really care, and just move on with their life's. 

I kept thinking about my mom, Mike, Jessica, my friend John... and I see that... Nobody would really miss me. Mike would find somebody else, he already wants to leave anyways. My mom has my sister. Jonh would just pass troght the pain and, Jessica... Doesn't really care about me. 

I don't really know what I'm thinking anymore. No, I have no intend to kill myself, but sometimes... Just sometimes, the thought it's there. 

What if I actually died? 

What if my brain, lungs, heart, just stopped? What if my mind, that it’s seems like binary codes stopped working, and my memories, emoticons, feelings, plasurer, pain, happiness, just stopped existing? 

What if everything just stopped?

Love, Jhenny

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

silent waters

December 05, 2019

Dear friend, (music: i hate to see your heart break)

“Not all broken things need to be fixed. Sometimes they just need to be loved. It would be a shame if only people who were whole were deserving of love.” 

That's a quote of the book I finished today, and i feel good about that. That book taught me, at least for a little while, that it's okay to be broken, feel broken, lose your voice for a few moments. But that doesn't mean that you're not worthy of love, or happiness. Because all people has scars. All of us. All humans have scars. Just some of us it's better in hiding. 

I learned that “The world keeps spinning because my heartbeats exist” and “Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. One must learn to be discerning with one's own thoughts. We must be able to decipher the truth versus the lies in our minds. Otherwise, we become enslaved to the shackles of struggles we place on our own ankles.” 

My mind lie to me sometimes, I know that. I also know that in the darkest days, I'll forget these words for a while, but then, I'll try to remember my pain that my heart can heal. 

Love, Jhenny

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

when all bad things come together

December 03, 2019

Dear friend, (music “saturn” by sleeping at least)

Did you ever stopped to think that every bad person has a family, or someone that cares for them? I never really thought about that, until today.

Today, I kept waiting for his call, kept waiting for him to arressed me. And while I was waiting, I kept think about what kind of life he has. Maybe he was a wife and kids, maybe he lives with his mom, maybe he was nieces, maybe he sits alone in his room thinking about how miserable his life is. 

Then, I started to think that every person, even the ones that are by our sides, has a bad side. Has a secret that they don't want anybody know, and that thought freaks me out, because the person right next to you, can be the time of monster that calls to people say bad stuff, and you have now idea. 

I kept watching the people on the bus today. I kept seeing all those men's around me. They could be monsters, so I couldn't stand to be next to them. I felt like they were watching me, just waiting for a moment to hurt me, and make me dirty again. 

I feel so scared, all the time now. Part of the reason is that I lost the only thing I had in mind that could protect me. I lost my necklace, and that hurts so much, it makes me cry just in think about it.  

This necklace was a gift from my mom on my birthday, and in the moment I saw it, I knew it would protect me... Now it's gone, and it seems like a piece of me was with it. 

Remember Jessica? She saw I was feeling down, and helped me look for it, after that, she wrote me a note, that said: "one positive thought can change you day!". I suppose that's truth, but I also think that Jessica has no idea how depression works, and I'll not get around and explain that to her. 

She texted me earlier, asking how I was doing. I saw it, but didn't replied. Then, she deleted, and I have no idea why. Maybe because she didn't really wanted to know. 

I'm also worried about Mike, my boyfriend. We seemed to grow apart these days. We didn't talk the whole day, and that's worries me. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a boyfriend anymore. 

I'm feeling so alone. I know it's my fault, because I don't really have the energy to talk to people, and the only person I wanted to talk doesn't seem like want to talk to me... 

Also, because I don't have the energy to talk to people, or express emotions in general, my mom yelled at me because I was too insensitive My kitten it's sick, and I don't seem to care. I couldn't say anything, so I swallowed and got upstairs. 

I said tomorrow would be better yesterday, but that didn't worked. I think, because all the bad stuff comes together, it really hard to see good thing about your day. 

When all bad stuffs comes together, it's really hard to focus on anything. 

Love, Jhenny.

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

One of those days

December 02, 2019

Dear fried,  (music)

Today was a really difficult day. Today is those kind of days, where you just want disappear and let the world fall apart.

First of all, I have this friend call Jessica. She’s trans, witch is cool, I never had a trans friend before her. But the thing is, I care about Jessica, a lot. But I always care too much about people, I actually like them more than they like me, and that hurts like hell.

I know I’m not supposed to, but I just wanted her to care, and sometimes, it seems like she does, but half of the other part, it seems like she don’t give a shit about my feelings or what I’m going trought, because, in all times I talked about something that hurted me, she would just say “oh, you’ll be fine. Now smile.”, Or when she won’t let me express what I’m feeling… That may not be what she wants to do, but she really hurt my feelings.  

Maybe I should just leave a little, and don’t care so much, but that’s a really difficult thing to me do to, because I don’t like hurting anyone’s feelings. I really don’t know what to do.

Have I ever told that I work in a Call Center? Half of the time it’s pretty nice, but those days… not so much. I like talking with people, to help them, but sometimes, people do just pranks, and not in the nicetes why. It has this man, who call there every day, talking horrible things about me. He says “let me come in you, please.” or “can I lick your beautiful pussy”? I freak out. And by that, I’m afraid of every call now, because I think it’s him. Even now I can hear his voice, and I feel disgusting. The worst part is, this situacion it’s making me remember all things that happened in the past, and it makes me sick. In the bus, I couldn’t let anyone get close to me without having a panic attack.

When I got home, I told my mother about it.

“And then, I told Mara about it, in a desperate try to make it stop.” She looked at me, with a puzzled expression.

“You can’t say those kind of things to your supervisor! She’ll think you can’t handle the job, and you can’t lose this, you have to pay college."

I know my mom only want good things to me, and it’s just worry, but that was not what I wanted to hear from her. This conversation made me think that adults can’t have emotions, and can’t show weakness, even if we’re all just humans. It made me wonder if have feelings are truly worth of something.

We all have a voice, but we can’t use it. I feel like I’m losing my voice, and soon enough, I’ll have nothing to say. It scares me.

I started reading a book that it’s about something similar. It call "Silence Waters”. It’s about a girl that was attacked, and after that, she was so traumatized that couldn’t talk. I cried a lot, because it made me remember me, and what happened.

It’s just one of those days, where all bad comes together, and somehow, the good seems very far away.  

I hope tomorrow it’s better.

Love, Jhenny

[the-advantages-of-being-me]

December, 2019 - Letters

December 1, 2019: Grow

December 2, 2019: those kind of days

December 3, 2019: when all bad stuff comes together

December 4, 2019: silent waters

December 9, 2019: mind & missed