treasureivy

[treasureivy]

♡

[treasureivy]

06-20-2022, 6:18 pm

the days are blurring together. i am eighteen, lying down at the foot of my mother's bed. she does not mind. i am humming to a comforting song. i feel too big and too small for everything.

there is an ache in my heart as i leave. i then find myself in my chair, desk facing the wall beside an open window. i glance outward, to the playground half-obscured by the house standing not a few meters away. in the middle of it all stands a swing, one working, and the other is rusted, broken, twined to the metal bar it hangs from.

despite of a lone swing seat, children are playing. the sun is almost setting, overhead is littered with clouds, the powder-blue sky peeking through the gaps of fluff. underneath all the blue, a vast expanse of yellow sky like buttermilk.

-

the rain was not expected. but it came. i glance outside and the children are gone in an instant. i sit there listening to the song i hummed. i ache. i long. i feel heavy. and yet, despite the rain, one lone child returns to the playground. then, he begins to swing, indifferent to the pouring drops.

i feel my mind begin to reason, begin to parse a symbolism for the rain, the swing, the child, the lonely me in my room looking out the window. i feel my brain scramble to find meaning to the mysterious and yet comforting melancholy. to make a very simple scene meaningful, even if i am just an observer.

in my melancholic corner, i try to weave beauty between the mundanity of what i saw. put it into words, snap a picture, find a meaning and tether it into this vapid afternoon. but i will not remember the view, nor the meaning. instead, i will remember these words. and i will remember the feeling.

[treasureivy]

post submitted by: spaceemailjournal-deactivated20

thank you, stranger! i got through the finals, and i hope you will, too. i needed this message a lot. have a wonderful year ahead ! <3

Space e-mail!

I got your message on space e-mail! i’m also having finals at uni right now & am not understanding any of it. let’s get through it together <3

[treasureivy]

Space e-mail!

I got your message on space e-mail! i'm also having finals at uni right now & am not understanding any of it. let's get through it together <3

[treasureivy]

Since my childhood I was a fallen eyelash, waiting to be wished upon as I grew up and my soul touched by the aimless I thought I could be null, a shadow in the dark. As years were added, I dearly wished to be mundane, now I'm mundane and ordinary and I wish I wasn't insane.........where does this stop this wanting to things, where do I stop and knock on a door and call it home......................

everytimeyousaygoodbye ©

[treasureivy]

the early bird

i must admit: there is nothing more bitter than the taste of you slipping through my fingers and into the hands of someone new (i had you first, i had you first, i had you first) fate cruelly ripped me open and withdrew every piece of you i have locked you in and yet you still broke loose (i had you first, i had you first, i had you first) the terribly deep emptiness i feel nothing could ever tend to it and let it heal because i know i had you first.

i had you first.

i had you first.

[treasureivy]

the mind can be anything

and mine is a busy highway.

emotions are vehicles that run here and there.

one emotion can sometimes be a tank;

it runs over all the other cars and bicycles, then treads continuously,

patrolling the highway: alone, but in power.

it ignores all the traffic lights and road signs;

its engine revs and roars, filling the highway with noise.

the flaw of a highway mind is that

the run-over vehicles would not fix themselves.

and the only thing that will be functioning

is the tank with its noisy engine.

maybe i can change the setting of the mind someday;

i don't want to be in this highway.

[treasureivy]

08222021

i heard "you'll be fine", and my mind collapses into rubble. i heard the words i wanted to hear for so long, for so many times. i heard it in a song. i play it again and again. what am i doing with my life? will i be fine?

my mother hugs me; "may God bless you always" she whispers as i try to hold her, try to feel like i am in the moment, and that this is life, and that i am experiencing, i am being, i am living... but i feel as if i am floating, and life is air, and i am afloat in the clouds and everything is happening. and i know it but do not feel it. she hugs me, and i think, "how do I tell you that i don't know what i am doing with my life?"

i heard the voice of a windborne bard singing a language i don't know yet. when the wind rustles my hair, i want to think that it is the same bard singing the same melody. i cry my eyes out for a few good minutes for no good reason.

i feel lost. i am on autopilot. when i am alone, and the world is empty and still, i panic. i look for signs of light, and ask, "how are you?" "kamusta?" "what are you up to?" and then i listen.

i look for sounds of the wind and sit. i hear the voices talking and i listen. i don't want to speak. i just want to be grounded. i am lonely. i don't want to be alone; so i listen. and listen. and wish that someday, i would find the guts and the willing ears to listen to what i want to say.

[treasureivy]

i love sleeping i love being unconscious

[treasureivy]

“I could not stop wasting time. It was crazy. I wanted to do something with my life, but instead I went to sleep, or sung in the shower, or sat and stared at the wall. I couldn’t even tell you about anything that I saw. I didn’t talk to anybody. The cicadas kept dying outside, and as I dreamed, my mouth grew thick and venomous with silence.”

— Yiwei Chai, The Jacaranda Years (via crowsummer)

[treasureivy]

Mary Oliver, What Do We Know: Poems and Prose Poems

[treasureivy]

can you blame me, if after all this time, my heart softened into rage?

a fiery burn of hatred sizzling ferociously within my chest—the allure of the glowing lava; my molten hurt, desire, and grief;

can you blame me, after all this time, wanting to livelivelive—but death is who answers—that i no longer feel alive? after the yearning of the kiss of the sun and the spindrift's touch, all that's left is spite and despise; that i now desire to just close my eyes to drift in and out of the dark?

when i felt my whole life fall apart, the ground break, the heaven fall—as tears fell from my eyes... can you blame me that i wanted the world to stop turning?

i opened my eyes to see the world turning—rage and hatred started churning deep within me. how very dare the world turn while i am ground to dust. how very dare the world turn while my heart breaks and my lungs drown and my eyes cry an ocean enough to cleanse sins.

can you blame me... if i see the world turn... and instead... wish for it to burn?

[treasureivy]

I want cold nights, foreign rooms, shiny polished hotel lobbies with no trace of familiarity. I want to lie down and feel like new, I want to look out the balcony and recognize no roof. Out. Let me out.

[treasureivy]

locked out

the days pass by, and the world feels like hourglass sand slipping away. is it me, or is it you, i wonder?

i no longer find joy in time with you. i feel so sorry—i feel disgusted, i feel repelled, i feel like i no longer fit in the hole you put me in... yet i also feel locked out. i feel cast out from your home, i feel like a wine-stained scarf you keep in your closet but never wear. i feel like a deer in the headlights being forced to watch you shine into my eyes the time of your life.

most days i come back to you; to feel like i belong, to feel like i still have a seat at the table we share our stories with. but most days i'm wrong. the door is wide open, but no longer am i welcome to your fireside chat, to your inside joke, to the secret gestures that few only know... someday, maybe someday, i will finally let you go.

[treasureivy]

Reine, Norway

[treasureivy]

“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”

— Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

[treasureivy]

Do you have a hobby?

self destruction