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GRIEF

It comes and goes.

You feel it deep in your bones,

in the moments you are surrounded by people.

In the moments where you are meant to feel joy,

The joy never seams to come.

Instead an empty place you where you once were.

The grief is always there, seeping into ever part of me.

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Patterns.

You always seemed to have this sense of when I was doing better.

I was filled with hope and calmness, and you found a way in.

The simple, “I’m so proud of you, you are doing so well,” and it all came back—

Me, crying on the floor, begging you to choose me.

Begging you to choose us.

But you didn’t. You chose her.

A girl that you knew for a few days.

And I spent a year putting myself back together.

You had the audacity to come back when you saw I was doing well.

Now I’m that girl, sitting on the floor, begging you to choose me.

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MAGIC

You are more then your scars,

You are more then the weight on the scale,

You are more then your thoughts,

And you are more then the bad days,

For you by dear, are nothing short of a miracle.

My love, never forget you are pure magic.

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YOU

“Why can’t you stay “you yell,

And all I can say is,

It has nothing to do with you, it has all do with the fact that this place is a battle field, holding memories of my loss, leaving its scars.

And all I can do is drink bottle after bottle trying to deal with what all I have lost.

but all I can feel is the hands of a man me while he told me to be quiet.

It has nothing to do with you, and has all to do with fact, that I still want to die, and if I stay, I’m afraid I’ll try.

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FLEETING

On the days when I feel unlovable, and unwanted.

On the days where my brain feels to messy and the storm feels like it won’t pass.

I sit and remind myself, that I am safe.

Allowing myself to sit with how I feel.

I gently remind myself that how I feel in this moment,

Will pass.

As surely as I know winter turns into spring.

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ALWAYS.

May you find a love who heals you,

Not hurts you.

May you find a love you cherishes you,

Not uses you.

May you find a love that unlocks all the beautiful moments and memories.

Because you deseve it,

Even when you might not think you do.

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UNLOVABLE

You taught me I was fragile,

You told me to always carry something to use as a weapon,

You told me to never walk alone at night,

So that’s exactly what I did,

But I flew to close to the sun,

And look what happened to me.

I wanted to prove I was worth more then looks,

That I was someone worth being proud of.

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CHAOS

Chaos is beautiful to me.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m used to it.

It’s the feeling that ’m the eye of a hurricane.

As the chaos roars around me and I alway feel safe.

Because as long as I’m helping everyone else with their problems, no one can see mine.

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WILD CHILD

I watch the rain drip down the leaves, my hands wrapped around my favourite mug.

And I wonder where you are today?

Are you laughing ?

Are you happy ?

Do you miss me,

7 years of you being my best friend, and these last few years without you have been the hardest,

And I wonder if we’ll ever talk again, do you think she still knows I love her?

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LOST

“ how could I ever love someone like you “ he said. Running his hand down my cheek. “you became everything I said I wanted, and lost everything that made you you in the process”

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I stopped looking for you in every crowed room. I stopped searching for you in every person.

And today I walked past you, you had your hands wrapped around another girl.

And the way you looked at her, like she was the most precious thing.

It made me wonder, if you ever looked at me like that.

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My legs dangle over the edge of the brick ledge.

My stomach tying itself into knots, as I look down and wonder what it would feel like to fly.

The cold feel of the metal railing brings me back to reality, I’m just girl sitting alone.

Wondering if she’ll ever been brave enough to see if she can fly.

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And on some days, sometimes just being here is enough.

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It’s 3:00am, and I can’t sleep.

I’m replaying all the things you have said to me.

And I wonder, am I ready to risk my heart again.

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“Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity. No matter what they do or say, don’t you doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining like you always do.”

— Scott Stabile

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Laying alone with my fairy lights dimmed, the window lightly opened, and rain falling around me.

I used to fear being alone, in these moments.

It’s been so long since I felt this safe, and right now, I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.

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Surgery

1 day after surgery and you swooped in with beautiful words and caring gestures.

2 days after surgery and you filled my head with charming thoughts and empty promises.

3 days after surgery and you told me all the things you couldn’t wait to show me.

4 days after surgery and you told me you couldn’t wait to meet me.

5 days after surgery and you promised you’d be gentle, movies and dinner was all.

I believed you.

6 days after surgery and I’m alone at home bleeding, but you promised to be gentle and I had beloved you.

7 days after surgery and no word from you, despite promising me you wouldn’t use me,

And silly girl, why had I believed you.