withasideofsadness

[withasideofsadness]

I feel like a flower that was picked from the field because you thought I was pretty enough.

But then you dump me in your coat pocket. Forgotten. Left to die.

I was only beautiful for a mere minute until you found something better that caught your eye.

It happens every time. But yet we hope that someday, someone, will pick you up and decide you are worth taking home, given water, taken care of.

[withasideofsadness]

I wonder if people can see the sadness that consumes me through my eyes.

Like people in books claim they can.

If so, do they just choose to ignore it?

Or have I just gotten too good at hiding my pain? That even my eyes are like closed doors.

[withasideofsadness]

I have called you names.

I’ve spent what feels like centuries convincing myself I deserve so much more than what you gave.

I’ve told everyone even if you wanted us to try again I’d say no.

But the universe seems to keep reminding me of you.

I seen you at the airport while I waited for my flight. The airport of all places. Funny how that happened.

If you asked us to try again, I think I’d say yes.

[withasideofsadness]

Why are you sad?

Because you only seem to be interested in what I’m wearing and how my body looks like. You don’t put in the effort to call me but expect me to show you my body?

Damn, you’re right I’m sorry.

It’s fine.

Do you want space?

No, I want you to realise you hurt me and be better than that. I want to know you want all of me, not just my body.

Yes.

[withasideofsadness]

I finally figured out why you never liked holding my hand in public, always walking 2 steps ahead of me.

Because why would you hold onto something tightly if you know you’re going to let go anyway.

Silly little me, if only she knew that then.

[withasideofsadness]

I only write when I’m falling in love or falling apart.

And right now I’m falling apart.

I comfort others with words I need to hear myself, who follows their own advice anyway?

Falling in love is not quite that easy after you. Trust me I’ve really been trying.

My brain makes unfair comparisons and you always win. It takes me back to random moments with you where it seemed like it was me and you against the world. The times I really felt at peace, my walls left completely unguarded.

I miss you but I will never allow myself to tell you that.

Instead I’ll let it slowly chip away at my heart until there is nothing left of it.

[withasideofsadness]

I think romance movies have ruined my perception on love.

I used to believe that someone, somewhere, will be able to love me unconditionally.

Who would be willing to fight for me in arguments and not against me.

Who wouldn’t leave at the first sign of conflict.

Who wouldn’t make me feel like I love too hard.

And simply, who wouldn’t use me.

But each and every time I stumble across yet another horrible boy who dares call himself a man, my hope fades a little more each time.

Is there really no man who would be willing to love me the right way?

Why do I not deserve to be cherished?

Why do I always get thrown away, as if I was a useless piece of trash?

I’m scared I may be unloveable and replaceable will be the only word to describe me.

[withasideofsadness]

At times, I stop writing about the pain and hurt you’ve cause me.

Because writing is supposed to be beautiful, and there is nothing beautiful about the hurt that haunts my soul at every waking hour.

I am stuck between not needing you and endlessly crying for you to come back.

What an awful place to be.

[withasideofsadness]

I don’t want to fall in love.

Falling hurts. Falling means when you’re about to hit the ground there’s a chance nobody will be there to catch you.

I want love to feel like walking into a house and knowing you’re home.

But where do I find the right house?

[withasideofsadness]

I’m afraid I am lost. People tell me to follow my heart, but how do I do that when my heart is in a million pieces, which one do I follow? Each little piece belonging to someone who did not take much care when handling my heart.

I’m afraid I’m easy to forget. I do not exist in people’s mind when I am not in front of their eyes, reminding them of my presence.

I’m afraid I’ll love you forever even though I know you don’t deserve my tears. I cared too much and you cared too little and that’s why we didn’t work. Now I am stuck with loving you from afar.

[withasideofsadness]

Sometimes memories of us sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. My heart aches to know if you even miss me a fraction of how much I miss you.

You’ve started following me on instagram again, even liked a few recent photos. I got so unreasonably happy, that feeling of euphoria that I desperately longed for finally made an appearance.

But nothing lasts forever. Nothing actually changed with that simple click of a button. It’s just my mind getting ahead of itself, making up scenarios that are nothing but 11:11 wishes.

[withasideofsadness]

I was good, just wasn’t good enough.

I hate the way you’re still my favourite person. My borderline brain has no mercy on my heart and continues to long for you even though deep down I know I deserve to be loved in a kinder way.

A part of my heart will always be damaged by the way you left. I have never begged someone to stay, but at the end ‘I don’t care about you anymore’ fell from your lips and I knew it was over.

It hurt when you left, but somehow it hurts a hell of a lot more after a year.

[withasideofsadness]

Wounds don’t heal if you continuously pick at them, but as long as I hold onto hope these wounds will keep on threatening to bleed again.

How do I let myself lose hope?

I had my first conversation with you yesterday after not speaking for more than a year. I asked for an iced coffee, like you used to make me. You made conversation and asked me questions. I could feel myself falling for you all over again, but this time I don’t think you’ll be there to catch me.

It’s my fault. I fed the hope inside my heart and now it’ll stay longer.

[withasideofsadness]

I miss you, but I know i deserve better.

I miss you, but I’ll never be able to forget the hurt you caused me.

I miss you, but I know you’ll never love me as much as I’ve loved you.

I miss you, but I’ll never be able to fully trust you ever again.

I miss you, but I know you don’t.

[withasideofsadness]

Random flashbacks attack my heart sometimes. The time you first told me your name. The time we first kissed. The time we stood in the middle of the room, in each other’s arms listening to your spotify playlist and you told me you loved me for the first time.

Only happy memories with you seem to haunt me, that’s probably why it’s becoming increasingly harder to remember you’re not as great as my mind makes you out to be.

[withasideofsadness]

When you fall asleep to forget about them and they appear in your dreams, that’s when you know you’re in trouble.

[withasideofsadness]

Sometimes I wonder if you ever regretted your decision and were too afraid to backtrack on your words once they were said. I wish you would’ve.

I took great care in not letting my mother see my tears and the pain in my eyes when you left, so it wouldn’t taint the image she has of you in her head. In hopes that maybe one day, just maybe, you would decide that you want to come back.