blue-jolly-rancher-lvr

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

the polish my friend painted onto my nails hasn’t completely chipped off yet

when i look at it, i remember my hand in his, his gentle and kind touch, his pretty eyes and soft smile

i remember how he wanted to paint someone’s nails but no one offered

so i did

even though i hate the way the polish feels on my nails and always pick it off anyway, i let him paint them

and he held my hand gently the whole time and was focused so intently i thought those pretty eyes would bore a hole through my skin

even if they had, i wouldn’t have minded

it was worth the trouble to make him happy.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

i hate poetry. so i write it.

what i hate about poetry is that it puts into words everything i see in myself, everything i hate about myself. the truth is easier to digest when you find it yourself, rather than it coming to you by chance.

i wonder, when i find a line that perfectly encapsulates everything i think i know about myself, if i’m really that predictable. but when i write a line, i’m knowing myself on purpose.

sometimes i wonder if it’s really poetry i’m writing. it feels like words mashed together in a pretty way. supposedly a rose by any other name is still a rose, but if poetry is a rose, my writing is a stem. a buildup to something pretty, never the beauty itself.

i don’t want to write poetry. but i want to write, so i call it poetry so that part at least is easy to understand.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

a ship is a ship is a ship

it is made of wood and nails and hard work

it is made for the sea.

no one builds a ship just for it to sit around

it can be admired, but it is lonely

the hard work amounts to nothing if it never fulfills its purpose

a ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

you can get off the train at any time.

if you find yourself at an unfamiliar station, maybe that’s where you were meant to be.

if you are scared and lonely, remember you’re never alone. someone has to get off at each stop, otherwise that stop wouldn’t be there at all. someone will be there too, just as scared as you.

if no one is there somehow, and they scorn and judge you for being the first to leave, remember you are off the train and they are not. you have left.

if you stay on the train, just remember that the longer you stay on, the more expensive the ticket back will be.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

it is a cloudy day in january and we’re sitting on a park bench. i have only liked you for a few weeks and you have liked me for a few weeks longer than that. i give you flowers and tell you. it’s getting dark but i don’t mind, i can still see you and that’s all that really matters.

it is a snowy day in february and we’re laying in the snow, our messy snow angels fanned out beneath us. i want to kiss you but i turn away, too scared. we hold hands and I’m glad neither of us feel the need to move too quickly.

it is a sunny day in march and we’re sitting in your bed. we can’t finish our show because we’re laughing too hard. you’re finally back from your trip and i know then that i love you.

it is april and we’re standing in somewhere too loud and too crowded. i’m crying in your arms and i’ve put on my prettiest dress today and i will always think of you now when i wear it. i wish i had told you i loved you back in march and kissed you back in february and hope you’ll leave out your dried bouquet from january that you put in your room all those months ago.

i hope you loved me once, and even if you did, i’d know you loved me enough to be with me, but not enough to stay with me.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

someone should totally date me i am Pretty cool and will pick up a bug and put it outside for you if you are too scared to do it yourself

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

i love theatre because it’s like Here we all are creating this art together and it’s a hobby for some and a future career for others but it’s loved by all because we are all here to create it together

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

the intimacy of being recognized by your perfume alone. the intimacy of holding someone’s hand while you both cross the street. the intimacy of knowing when your friends go to bed so you don’t wake them up with your messages. the intimacy of small smiles exchanged in the hallways. intimacy can be found in everything, because there’s always intimacy in being known.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

if you were to say no, i’d pull back. stop texting first and keep my eyes to myself, keep my heart to myself.

but if you were to say yes? well, i’d dance with you by the river and let them say what they want about us. we’d hold hands and i’d ask if i could call you my lover, not worrying about how corny i sounded.

because like the moon pulls the tides, you pull on my heartstrings, strum them like a violin to the song we both love, and i let you, i let you, i let you.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

it’s study hall and we’re playing chess, rain pattering on the window outside. next year i won’t see you every day or even every month, and i’ll wonder what happened to us.

you knock over my king, proud of yourself. “checkmate,” you say, eyes sparkling. i try to convince myself i don’t like you anymore and fail. i’ve never been a good liar.

eyeing my incomplete paper, you raise an eyebrow. “you should finish your math.”

i laugh, and because it’s 8th grade and it’s the last year nothing matters, i shove it to the side. “how about one more game first?”

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

“i miss you,” you text. and i want to tell you that since we’ve met my heart’s glowed warm and bright because there’s a ray of sunlight you put inside it. instead, i text “i miss you too,” hoping you get the message.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

you are sinful, god says. change your ways.

we are sinful, the people chant. we will change.

but you made us, i think. i thought god made no mistakes.

i am five. this is not the last time i will be judged by god.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

say what you will about church camp and bible study but the most religious experience i’ve had is listening to hozier on my bedroom floor

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

stunning work <3

Nothing ever came easy to him. And when it did come, it never left.

The first time that they met eyes, he didn't look away. His gaze lingered on her pass, the name already filed away in his head. It helped, to catalogue. It made him feel like he knew what was going to happen;what someone was capable of doing.

He was fighting a losing battle with his self-assurance. The core of who he was had faded years ago, sunken in the coolness of the water filling his lungs as hands pushed him down.

He could see it again in the grey of her eyes. He eventually broke away from the tense, silent exchange, walking onto the bus and pushing past people to sit at the back. The interaction did not resonate all that deeply in his head, but the four letters of her name led him forward.

As his grip tightened on the thin card of her bus pass, he shut his eyes, gathering himself. He slipped it in his front pocket and straightened his face, standing up at his stop. He didn't meet her bewildered gaze, though he slid it back to her. “Watch your pockets. Could’ve ended up in the wrong hands.” He muttered, stepping off of the vehicle and into the blackness of his solitude;shifting in and out of eyesight, hidden in the breaths between whispered recallings of his past, in the deepest parts of the lake where light cannot manage to filter through.

He feels a glare on the back of his neck the next day and turns around, jaw clenching. “What’s your issue?” The girl from the day before asks, tone accusing. He raises an eyebrow, walking forward, though her voice continues until finally he responds. 

His presence was entirely forgettable, though intentionally. Acknowledgement was uncommon, and he found his voice rough with disuse as he half-heartedly made his way through an apology as the girl from yesterday walked beside him. 

She stood as voices flooded past her in the hallway, his dark, unreadable eyes lingering in her mind like a curse no one could really escape. 

Once you had met him, you knew him. Trying to uncover what had really happened in Mordale Harbor three years prior was a task that you could not stop once you had started it. The truth was laid bare in the weight of his gaze, in the heaviness of his conviction.

She just had to translate it.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

why is it that on my bad days, you’re always somehow there to make them better?

maybe it’s the way you crave casual contact just as much as i do. we hold hands and walk the mile slower than anyone.

maybe it’s your intelligence. you show me your poems and ones other people have written and tell me your deep, big, beautiful thoughts on them until i find the world in your words.

maybe it’s your humor. your quick quips and gentle teasing scream love and affection louder than a bouquet of red roses. you joke with me and i know that we’re friends.

maybe it’s you. i think i love you. you bring my world back into order.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

i want so badly to romanticize my sadness. to make it more poetic and beautiful than it is, but the fact remains that no amount of romanticization makes sadness any less sad, it just makes it prettier.

[blue-jolly-rancher-lvr]

free things you can actually go out and do 🪐

go to skincare/makeup shops and use the testers (not too much, though 🙃)

get a book at a little free library

listen to an album at a record store, even if you don’t buy it

get the free samples at grocery stores

go to a cafe just for the vibes, you could also get a glass of water

some local theaters do a pay-what-you-can, you could get to see a show for free! :)

of course, all the birthday freebies you can find

go to an actual library!!