moonshadow-thoughts

[moonshadow-thoughts]

All my life I felt like I did not belong here. That was one of my first memories. Like I'm not even on the right planet. Like I'm not even the right species, like I'm not human.

And the other people could always tell. Even the other kids during my childhood knew instinctively that I was not one of them.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

Seeing other people my age having their own families is so painful at this point. I want to be happy for them but all I can feel at this point is this pain that feels like it is hollowing out my heart, because they have what I will never get. No matter how hard I try. No matter what. I am always alone.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

Spending all of your life alone and realising that nothing about that will ever change. You just get older. But nothing changes.

No one tells you how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that you will always be alone, that you will never have someone no friends, no relationship, no family.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I wish I could have my own family. That has always been my wish since I was little.

I'm turning 30 soon. Realistically I have maybe five years before I am simply too old. So I know it's not realistic.

The people I went to school with are married and have kids by now.

And I am still the same. Still as lonely as I was when I was a child. People don't even want to be friends with me. I will never have my own family. And no one prepared me for how hard that would be, to be alone forever.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I honestly never cared for a large friend group or to be popular. All I ever wanted was just one single person to stay with me because they actually liked me.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I'm always either too much to handle for people or not enough to make them stay. But never just right. And I don't know how that is even possible because one would think that at some point I would be just right for a person, but somehow I always manage to be not enough or too much.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

"Aren't you worried you will lose all of your social skills if you are so isolated for years?"

Buddy, why do you think I'm isolated? I never had any social skills to begin with.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I've had enough of planet earth. It's a terrible place. I want to go back to my home planet, where I actually belong.

The only problem is that I have no idea where that even is.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

One thing that really confused me during the covid 19 pandemic was how quickly "normal" people got lonely. And how quickly all of the attention was on them.

I spent all of my life isolated like during covid 19 and I continued to live like this after covid. And so are many other neurodivergent, chronically ill and disabled people.

But no one cares about our loneliness or our isolation.

When the healthy, neurotypical people feel a bit lonely for a few weeks there are news reports and studies and they get tons of attention.

Meanwhile we live our entire lives isolated like this and no one even cares.

During covid healthy neurotypical people got a glimpse into what our lives look on a daily basis and they couldn't handle it. Not even for a few weeks.

Meanwhile we go through this for years and decades, sometimes our entire lives.

But we are expected to quietly accept it. We are not the center of attention. No one cares if we suffer.

Their lives went back to their normal after covid. But we stay in this isolation.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I have always been an outcast. My whole life. Not once did I belong anywhere.

When I was a child, the other children did not want to play with me. They could tell that there was something so fundamentally different about me that we barely had anything in common. When I was a teenager the others didn't want to be around me, to them I was just a weird loser that no one wanted as friend, to them I was only an object to mock. And as an adult I have nothing left in common with anyone else. I'm not a part of society, I've never been. It's like I'm not even human.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

There are some posts on tumblr that are like "no, your friends don't hate you, it's just your anxiety :)" and while that may be true for some people, it is not always the case.

My friends during my teens and early 20s did hate me, for years they pretended to be my friends to get me to tell them things and to make fun of me behind my back. I felt uncomfortable and unsafe during all of these years with them, but I assumed that this is just the way friendships feel and did not suspect a thing.

So please, if you have the feeling that your friends don't like you, hate you, are not actually your friends or if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with them, please, please don't just dismiss this feeling. There is a reason you feel this way. Especially when you are neurodivergent.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

Realising that you are one of the only people on this damn planet with moral values and empathy and realising that the majority of people genuinely do not care about other beings really does explain why this world is the way it is.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

Realising that you will never be happy and able to fulfill your dreams in this world and this society no matter what you do and no matter how hard you work is one of the worst feelings.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

This will probably make me very unpopular on tumblr, but I wish I had those informations earlier, and I know I won't be the only one. So here we go:

Getting a diagnosis for autism, a mental health issue (especially personality disorders) and in some countries even a diagnosis for ADHD or therapy without a diagnosis can have significant disadvantages for you.

It could:

• permanently disqualify you from getting a visa if you try to move to another country. Especially if you plan to get a permanent resident visa in another country.

• prevent you from ever adopting a child. This is especially important for people who are unable to have children any other way, like lgbtq people or people who cannot have children due to physical health concerns.

• lead to you not getting custody for your child, should you get a divorce, even if it is your biological child.

• prevent you from adopting the child of your partner, even when you are married.

• have significant consequences for your job, lead to you losing your job, or preventing you from finding a new job. Even if you don't officially get fired because of the diagnosis/therapy and they use a other reasons as excuse.

• prevent you from getting a promotion at your job.

• lead to doctors not taking your physical symptoms serious and blaming it on your mental health/ neurodiversity diagnosis instead. This is especially the case if you are assigned female at birth.

• prevent you from ever receiving gender affirming care, like top surgery or hormone therapy.

It always depends on which country you live in or want to move to. Different countries have different rules regarding those, so please always check the information for your country or the country you want to move to.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

The problem with "You are not alone. It's okay to ask for help. :)" is that many of us don't have a support system. Many of us cannot ask anyone for help for a multitude of reasons. Some of us have no one, for others asking for help could be unsafe. Some of us have to go through things alone and cannot depend on anyone.

So rather than saying this it can be a lot more helpful for some people to get the reminder that, yes, there are people who go through similar things out there, you don't always see them, they are just not as visible as successful people.

You are still an individual, so no one will be exactly like you, but you do have similarities with some people out there.

There are resources and information out there. Learning about yourself and your situation and getting as much information as possible can be very comforting and give you a new perspective on things.

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I really dislike it when other people touch me and at the same time, I wish I had a special someone to cuddle every evening in bed. :(

[moonshadow-thoughts]

I don't blog for most people.

I blog for the people who have no friends, for the people who were bullied in school and at work or by their friends, for the people who were cast out by society, for the people who feel that they don't belong anywhere on this planet, for the people who never felt represented by the majority, for the people who spend all of their time in their room, for the people who were told over and over by society that they are not loveable, for the people who have no one to talk to, I blog for the people who feel that no one is like them.