Venting because making peace with my fate doesn't actually make my life bearable
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I tried to call the suicide helpline, for some reason, the process itself, even before the operator pick up, triggered my panic attack. Why's that?
I'm not brave enough to end my suffering yet I'm not strong enough to reach out for help.
#vent#personal vent#vent post#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#mentally fucked#derealitycore#mentally exhausted#actually mentally ill#mdd thoughts#depersonalization#manic depression#tw sui vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation
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How can you want a lifetime with me when I don't even see myself living for another month.
#personal vent#vent#vent post#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#mentally fucked#derealitycore#derealization#depersonalization#tw sui vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#bpd meltdown#mentally exhausted#actually mentally ill
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Mentally healthy people won't stare at the knife, thinking if they should just end themselves, they won't poke into their ribcages in fear of gaining weight, they won't dig their nails into the old wounds hoping to reopen it...
And yet, there's nothing I can do about it but repeat the cycle over and over and over again. I get better; it scares my mind and so it pushes me back down the cliff. I'm tired.
#vent post#bpd vent#actually bpd#vent#bpd#personal vent#bpd thoughts#mentally fucked#bpd problems#derealitycore#tw sui vent#tw sui ideation#tw sui implied#tw ed ana#mentally exhausted#actually mentally ill
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You say you did your best. That you didn’t know any better. That you’ve changed. But I was just a kid. Your mistakes weren’t just mistakes—they were my whole world.
And now you want forgiveness like it’s easy, like time could just erase everything you did, and everything you didn't do. But I won’t rewrite the past to make you feel better.
You hurt me. That’s the part that doesn’t change.
#family trauma#child abuse#vent#vent post#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd#personal vent#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#mentally fucked#derealitycore#tw abuse#family issues#venting#vent ig
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I've learned young how to be easy. How to laugh at the right moments, how to mold myself into the kind of person people wanted to keep around. If you were happy, people liked you. If you were easy, they stayed.
I wonder if anyone had ever really seen me at all.
#vent#vent post#bpd vent#personal vent#bpd#bpd problems#actually bpd#mentally fucked#bpd thoughts#derealitycore#depressing shit#tw rant#ugh
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I've lost my long term online pal.. Please.. I'm so sad..
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It's not going to get better, isn't it? Why I keep lying to myself..?
#personal vent#vent#vent post#actually bpd#bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#actually mentally ill#mentally exhausted#bpd meltdown
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In my mind, I've died, I'm just a wandering spirit. I'm slowly becoming transparent, my body is rotting somewhere - this is all just a dream.
And I'll be the happiest I'll ever been.
#vent#vent post#personal vent#actually bpd#bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#derealization#manic depression#im dying#Dead
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I can’t help it. I want to do my best—I hate being like this. I claw at the edges of life, forcing myself to love it, but it just makes everything worse..
#vent#personal vent#vent post#bpd problems#actually bpd#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#spilled thoughts#thoughts#Fck#tw sui ideation#tw sui implied#tw sui vent
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I need to cry to feel better—I must, but I can't.
The tears won't come, and neither will relief.
They're stuck, just like this weight pressing down on me.
So I take the metal to my skin again. It’s the only way to drain what’s rotting inside me..
#vent#vent post#actually bpd#personal vent#bpd problems#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#spilled thoughts#thoughts#bpd writing#bpd meltdown#bpd blog#breakdown#vent ig#venting#tw s3lf harm#tw sh related#tw self destruction
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Hey. Are you okay?
Hey.
I wouldn't say I'm okay - I've been better. Even on the good days, I'm still struggling to exist. But I want to believe that things would be alright, even if it has been years, even if it has worn me out - even if I feel like I'm spiralling down the abyss.
Do you feel the same? That tiny spark of hope; it kills you, yet it's the only thing that sometimes makes you force yourself to push through - it's devastating.
It's enough to save you but not enough to make you feel alive.
#Thank you for asking#I never thought anyone would ask#Anon so kind#vent#vent post#personal vent#bpd#actually bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#spilled thoughts#spilled words#spilled ink#thoughts#anon ask#ask
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This is not who I am,
but I don't even remember who I should be in the first place.
#vent#personal vent#actually bpd#vent post#bpd problems#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#mentally fucked#derealitycore#schizoposting#paranoia#manic depression#derealization#spilled words#spilled thoughts#shitpost#depressing shit#vent ig
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In the most positive way, I think I've lived for too long—seen too much, felt too deeply, and now, everything feels unbearably heavy, like I was never meant to last this long and carry all of this.
#vent#vent post#personal vent#bpd#bpd problems#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#mentally fucked#bpd vent#derealitycore#angst#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#bpd writing
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There's something morbidly wrong with me - there's something inside me that's so rotten, I worry the scent will latch on anyone that comes too close.
#vent#personal vent#vent post#bpd#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#derealitycore#bpd vent#mentally fucked#actually mentally ill#spilled thoughts#spilled ink#spilled words#vent ig
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It's unfair that people expect mentally ill person with devastating upbringing to act and function in society the same as the stable person with decent supports in their life. I know it can't be helped, I know it's unavoidable, I know it can't be distinguished - still, it's unfair.
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Why should I burden someone else with my thoughts? Why can't I suffer alone? Why must I make it known? It's honestly pathetic. Despite I know they don't even read / listen to all my text messages and voice notes - despite all that, I still find comfort in thinking that someone listens to me.
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If I talk about it, I'll cry. So I stay silent.
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