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[rusomnia]

Red Robin (2009) #25

This is actually the reason you two are siblings WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

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going through old quotes and some of these i just can't make fit contextually but are still fucking hilarious and im tempted to share them anyway

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dick, at tim: maybe don't pass out

jason: maybe do

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jason: losing my mind over this stupid ass essay

stephanie, probably: did you check under the sofa

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fandom stop sleeping on her challenge #impossible

shes the jokers daughter. her first instinct in a life or death situation is to protect her brother. shes definitely autistic. everyone thinks shell be the next joker. shes a child prodigy. she runs away twice within two weeks. she technically brings her father back from the dead. shes probably some kind of gay. we have never seen her with her shoelaces tied

i know theres a subset of tim drake fans that would love her

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stephanie: if there was a degree in being unhinged you'd have a masters

tim: taking that as a compliment

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just saying jason todd probably wrote batman fanfic as both a form of therapy and karma

my evidence:

- he's a lit nerd. every lit nerd has written fanfiction at somepoint. if you're a lit nerd and you haven't, you're a liar or you will be writing fanfiction soon. be ready.

- you're a liar if you think the batfam didn't have a giant fandom in gotham city (and other cities that had batman shipped with their hero (metropolis im looking at you))

- he'd get to tear the shit out of batman with well thought out arguments against stuff without actually having to try and make bruce listen

- the authors notes.

- 'sorry i haven't updated in two years, i got blown up resurrected and turned into an assassin by my step-mum. here's some fluff as an apology'

- i feel like i could go on for a while but I'll leave it there

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tim, muttering to himself: i doubt they'll be girlypop with a broken nose

dick: *concerned older brother noises*

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someone: you think youre so scary

tim: no actually im asbop.

someone: what

tim: assigned scary by other people

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jason: everytime you smile i get nervous

tim: good.

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Tim: okay but what if i were evil

Jason: then not many people would be left

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jason, texting tim: eta?

tim, outside the window: now.

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dick, hearing a LOT of barking: is titus having a playdate or something

damian: he's in a business meeting I'll have you know

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posts blowing up is such a scary thing

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somewhere in my heart i know this exchange has taken place while batman is busting a weapon dealers warehouse

rogues, buying discounted explosives: uhhh

batman, who was expecting jason: Red Robin.

red robin, clearly also there as a customer, entirely unabashed: this is where i get my groceries B

red robin: ooh 45% off the mini land mines if purchased with any 2 weapons containing a hidden retractable blade!

one of the rogues already tied up in the back: oh get that one now, the deals marked purple are limited time, i’ve made that mistake before

red robin: thanks greg i’ll remember that

batman, internally: i’m worried about the wrong child

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Tim gets his hands on Jason’s helmet and hacks the voice modulator to sound like Hatsune Miku.

Feared crime boss Red Hood uses it anyway.

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It's forty minutes into the latest state of the company press conference and Bruce has had to mute his mic entirely to avoid being turned into a meme AGAIN for sighing too much at his own event. For all that he's spent almost 20 years coaching his own children on not making scenes, he's really not much better. It's hot and he doesn't want to be here. His ribs hurt. He's tired. He's hungry. He's every excuse Dick or Jason have trotted out over the years.

(Tim understands company manners and can almost always be trusted to stick it out as long as he's allowed to vent his frustrations afterwards. He's recently taken to smashing ugly thrifted dishes. Stephanie and Damian have been collecting any ceramic not entirely pulverized and turning them into pavers for Alfred's garden.)

(Bruce gave up after Tim. He really only needs one kid to tag along to social events. If the kid start to outnumber him they start getting IDEAS.)

His distraction is why it takes two very rude repetitions of his name for him to take notice at the young reporter pushing his way to the front. Lucius stands, cutting off the project manager currently presenting and speaks into the mic.

"Please keep hold all questions until the end of the presentation, thank you."

"Mr. Wayne," the reporter tries again and Bruce waves away Lucius's further protests.

"Can I help you?" He asks, smiling with the full force of Brucie Wayne's charm behind it. It's been awhile since his last scandal, but if the press is inventing drama then it's less work for him.

The man holds up a photograph almost accusingly. He reeks of gotcha journalism.

Bruce squints towards him, unable to fully make out the contents of the photo. Dick may have been right when he gently suggested Bruce add glasses to his Brucie Wayne persona but that was a hill Bruce was still willing to die on. It was bad enough he had to have a prescription COWL.

"What do you have to say about the presence of your adopted son, Timothy Drake at the illegal mob in Robinson Park last Saturday?"

"Drake-Wayne," Bruce corrected because Tim hyphenated, damn it. He was the first of his children to let Bruce tag the Wayne name on and it mattered, damn it. "Wait do you mean-"

"How about reports of him kissing a man while there?"

"A blond man?" Bruce asked, finally giving up and crossing to take the photo for himself. "Oh. No, that's his boyfriend."

There was a beat of silence before Bruce realized his mistake. Just as the reporters began to squall, he dropped the blurry photo and began to speed walk off, phone suddenly in hand.

Through the podium's microphone, the gathered reporters heard one thing as Bruce evacuated the immediate vicinity.

"Tim? Don't be mad."

---

Despite Bruce's best efforts, he becomes a meme.

---

Immediately following the bombshell that Timothy Drake-Wayne had a boyfriend, social media blows up, clamoring for more information. They're ravenous for it, desperate. Tim doesn't have a personal social media presence but they stalk his professional accounts religiously. Bruce does have personal social media, but he maintains radio silence.

In the end, a Gotham based "influencer" stumbles across Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne getting donuts at Kosher Donuts and Co. Dick is personable, as always, and stops to speak with the young woman briefly.

"Yeah, Tim wasn't mad," he laughs when asked. "Just disappointed. But man, he knows how to milk it."

"Bruce is in the doghouse, huh?" she asks, full of false sympathy.

"A little bit," Dick says as Damian mumbles, "Titus would never share."

"But," Dick continued. "Tim's spun it so Bruce is on the hook for like, half a million in donations for local LGBT charities. Tim says it would hurt less if he sponsored a new shelter too, so that's something to look forward to."

"That's a lot of money! Where's it all going?"

"Oh you know," Dick says and gestures vaguely. "A lot of different programs."

"Yeah? Anything you personally want to see done with the funding?"

"Drag story time," Damian answers before Dick can. He looks intense. "But not for children. For dogs. In the shelter."

---

A day later, Tim breaks the silence. He goes live on Bruce's Instagram.

"So the problem was that Bruce thought the reporter was saying I was being unfaithful," Tim explains. "He totally forgot I wasn't out to everyone yet. Bruce was just worried because he's already told me if I break up with my boyfriend, he's not uninviting him from any future family events."

"Luckily, I was in fact just kissing my boyfriend at PRIDE. Just because people got shifty with the permits at the last second because of protestors doesn't make it an illegal mob. If you wanna hear about Wayne's and illegal mobs, talk to Dickie about his younger years. Nothing I do can compare."