summerdreamof2009

[summerdreamof2009]

Also we uncovered some not so ideal flashbacks regarding our ex groomer/abuser. Who abused us when we were 16 and he was 24.

He apparently did the following to me and some individual alters

Me (HOST)

Sexual abuse, e:g

Sexually assaulting me when I had said no, stop, I’m scared multiple times; finally got off me when I froze and would no longer speak or respond, coercion, forced oral sex, forced BDSM, forced me to watch fetish porn even if I expressed discomfort, forced me to dominate him and make a sex tape, forced me to make multiple CSAM sex tapes with him, drugged me with DPH on one occasion and sexually assaulted me on his bathroom floor, drugged me with Ketamine mutiple times and had sex with me and when I reported my drugged symptoms and asked what was causing them he said “that’s what a experienced man feels like”

Verbal abuse e:g

Saying the following mind you this is just what I can remember right now.

“I’m glad your ex-girlfriend shit herself!”

I would too if I knew you.”

“Thank GOD! You’re good at sex you suck at everything else..!”

“I’m embarrassed that you’re Poor, it’s embarrassing…”

“You’re not marginalized I AM!”

(Mind you he is a white upper middle class fully transitioned transman with social support and I am a Korean and African mixed man who has little social support and I am poor)

(That’s all I can remember for this section sorry I wish I could write down more to look back on for myslef personally, but he caused me such horrible even fucking MORE ptsd that I can hardly remember much from the later half of our relationship)

Psychological/Emotional abuse e:g

Sleep deprivation until I either crashed for days and would go into psychotic episodes, sleep deprivation usually for periods of 3-7 days, making me physically cry from verbal abuse and not stopping until I’d have a mental breakdown, would record my mental breakdowns and send them to group chats he was in where In his friends would call me Retarded, slow, and other ableist slurs aimed at pwASD, pwBPD, and pwNPD as I have those disorders, told everyone in his family my mother molested me which she did but I told him in this in confidence, told his family when I was kicked out of my house at 16 and I had nowhere else to live so I lived with him for 4 months until I was allowed to go back. During this time he told his family I was a lesbian (I’m a female to male man; 4 years on Testosterone), and they called me my deadname and she/her the whole time I was there, dressed me in dresses occasionally in private and humiliated me against my consent, forced me to wear makeup around the house 24/7, forced me to wear female underwear 24/7 to please his fetishes, made me sleep on the floor instead of on a bed exasperating my chronic body pain due to scoliosis, if I complained of this I’d get hit, made fun of my scoliosis and made me take pictures posing in painful for me poses.

Physical abuse e:g

Threatening me with his pocket knife on several occasions, stabbing my thigh which I now have nerve damage in, gashed me in my lower back once with a knife, restraining me with bare hands, using rope to tie me up for extended periods of times sometimes in painful positions, threatening to murder me twice, slapping me, hitting me, kicking me, stomping on my head, punching me, pushing me against windows until I collapsed and could no longer stand.

EDEN

Age: 4-10 (ageslider, child part, trauma-holder)

Abuse incident: accused her when she was fronting of cheating and since Eden is mute she cannot talk so had to write her defense basically on a piece of paper and groomer screamed at her “OMFG FASTER!! WRITE FASTEE!!” I don’t have the rest of the memory and she refuses to speak about it for now which is okay when she’s ready she will be ready.

LAMB

Age: 23 (persecutor, Gatekeeper, introject, MemoryHolder)

Abuse incident: was put in a dress and then asked “are you a man or a woman!” When he replied “a man.” And sneered he was knocked unconscious according to groomers mother who later would tell us about this incident 2 weeks later at the time.

JANEY

Age: 20 (Protector, Gatekeeper, Rage holder)

Abuse incident: told groomer of potential (as we weren’t diaignosed at the time with DID but are now) DID and our groomer slapped her and said “you’re not real” and laughed at her

Below is the CSA recovery flag

“And

surely

this

too

will

pass”

[summerdreamof2009]

Had a very disorganized yet vivid flashback of our grandmother either being involved in? Or atleast knowing of our CSA and doing nothing about it? It’s kinda unclear and I’d honestly have to rethink my entire childhood if it’s the first option; basically the memory is Me at age 4 going over to her house for a sleepover so my parents could go on a date. Whilst laying in her bed she crawled on top of me and I pretended to go to sleep and that’s all I remember.. it’s just a complete amnesia blackout after that part.

:[

[summerdreamof2009]

Just realizing that my extended family were on the RAMCOA I feel sick to my head and stomach

[summerdreamof2009]

“Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel.”

— Unknown

[summerdreamof2009]

[summerdreamof2009]

Hello i have pretty much nowhere else to post this so ill use this account

TW: DV, STABBING, CSA?, RAPE

basically just wanted to say my ex when we were sleeping together which was wrong to begin with (I was 16 he was 24) 🤢 makes me absolutely SICK to think he’s gotten away with it and I’ll eject her justice ever for him basically resurfacing all my childhood trauma before my brain was ready and abusing me! Absolutely horrid abuse. Like keeping me up for days until I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t, kicking me, shoving me, tying me up with rope to his bed, tying me into different uncomfortable positions for me especially because I have chronic pain, drugging me with ketamine at 16 without me knowing until later on when he told me, making me cry, verbal abuse (ie; I’m glad your ex girlfriend shot herself i would to if I knew you) WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU AND THEN HE BLAMED IT ON HIS “MENTAL ILLNESS” 😵‍💫 I fucking hate him so much I’m just boiling with anger writing this and he stalks me

Online so he’ll probably see this Ryan I am not writing this for you at fucking all not everything is about you asshole I’m Writing this for myself to Express the trauma you deny you caused me. This has more to do with my own emotions than you

Anywyas I feels dissocative seizure coming on so I’m logging off fuck this shit

[summerdreamof2009]

Short art dump of art my alter J.A did

[summerdreamof2009]

The claws of the past tear right into me

beyond the eyes of the world

they turn and spin

And taunt

Just like mother

Who dressed in white

Flirted with abuse of her children

The only spice in life is pain it seems

•M.A.L

[summerdreamof2009]

If you don’t believe RAMCOA/TBMC is a genuine thing, please block me

I’m tired of seeing people post about how “it doesn’t exist” and say that “ramcoa doesn’t exist but the trauma does.” It’s irritating to be told what I went through doesn’t exist and does exist at the same time.

It’s important to hear survivors and to be able to understand that this shit happens and still does. Cults, trafficking rings, etc. they all happen. Just because you think that someone can’t force a system doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Do you know how much trauma that someone faces within shit like that? How easy it is for someone to see that there’s so much dissociation and use it against them?

I’m tired of so many people thinking that ramcoa survivors aren’t real. We are, we exist.

If you don’t believe it, please block me.

[summerdreamof2009]

i’m so sick of people treating cults like silly little props for their stories. here’s a list of cozy games where you start a cult! try this board game where you’re competing to be the most successful cult leader! want to join my fake cult roleplay server? cult leader character design! read this forbidden erotica romance book about a cult leader and a cult member!

it’s so endlessly frustrating. the majority of my life i suffered awful abuse because of the cult i was in. every part of my body holds an immense amount of trauma that i may never be able to let go of, and i may never be able to function independently because of it. and people are out here acting as if cults are just silly fantasy and would never happen in real life. cults are real! their victims are real! the abuse and the trauma is real!

media about cults can absolutely be well-done and respectful - but at this point it feels like it’s almost always used for either shock value or treated like a fun cutesy storytelling trope. the commodification and normalization of our trauma is nauseating, especially when the majority of cult survivors will never see justice.

idk. i’m just so sick of it. cult survivors deserve better.

(anyone can interact but please be normal. i’m not sharing any identifying info about the cult i was in, don’t bother asking.)

[summerdreamof2009]

Cults in media: 12 guys in robes in the woods chanting as some random is pulled into the circle to be stabbed as a sacrifice to Satan or something

Cults irl: Why does our meeting up location have no windows? Why am I so sleepy. Why is everything monotone? Why is it all multi-hour long repetitive, simplistic rhetoric and parts of acting out or repeating back near exact language? Why can't I go to school or play with other kids? Why are you showing me images of outside people dying in fear and panic and blood, of us being attacked and tortured for our "faith" any day now. Why do I have to be happy about that? Why is it always any day now. Why am I so sleepy. Why is the air-con set so weirdly and why can't we change it. Why is my stress response in life to smile.

[summerdreamof2009]

FUCKING FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THIS

having religious trauma from the most boring of churches is such a unique experience. stained glass and high ceilings dont mean anything. but dingy basements and hotel bibles mean everything. my religious trauma (and i would assume a lot of others) isnt as pure as what is shown. its gross basements, hand-me-down bibles, wooden chairs that look like theyre at least 50 years old, vhs tapes and big box tvs, ugly carpet, and "god bless you" instead of i love you.

[summerdreamof2009]

Cult survivors, you don't lack intelligence. You don't lack morality. Your abuse was and never will be your fault.

[summerdreamof2009]

The Big "Is RAMCOA Antisemitic?" Debunk Post

Because I have to stay relevant, here we go

Let's start with a little speech. A bit of positivity.

You know, there is something good to said about this RAMCOA antisemitism discourse. The majority don't seem to be falling for it at all, and many are becoming more educated about the panic, RAMCOA/OEA and its history (the good and the bad) than ever before

RAMCOA/OEA a very real issue that deserves awareness and advocacy, and so far, I've noticed a massive surge in members of the community researching the ISSTD and the OEA sig's work.

It has brought antisemitism into light in a way that hasn't really been talked about on a large scale in system communities, and most don't know ever existed. Many, genuinely, had no idea that the satanic panic was antisemitic in these ways, and it's putting a lot of pieces together and adding a lot of context that'll help us grow and be better people going forward.

It's been really nice seeing such a positive shift to open, educational conversations, with people genuinely wanting to know the truth and unlearn harmful associations.

SAS stands with RAMCOA and OEA survivors.

So let's get into it.

SRA and The Memory Wars, lasting results

SRA started with Michelle Remembers, a book, in 1980. It resulted in thousands of unsubstantiated claims of abuse, daycare hysteria, set CDD research and OEA abuse back decades, affected millions, and to this day conjures images of cloaked figures sacrificing children.

The ISSTD was formed in 1984, amid the panic, with the goal of quickly developing an effective treatment and documenting the disorder as thoroughly as possible. Many mistakes were made. Clinicians aren't immune to societal panics, and lessons were learned the hard way.

I think an important distinction that many have forgotten is that the ISSTD's principal controversy isn't SRA. SRA didn't start or end with the ISSTD.

While the “Satanic Panic” played out in courts and in mass media, the ISSTD entered “The Memory Wars”, and it's this that they're most controversial for. False, implanted, and fostered memories weren't solely related to SRA. It was used to discredit all types of abuse and violence and is still used to this day to silence victims.

By the 1990s, therapists were being sued, licenses were being revoked, and members were fleeing the ISSTD. The False Memory Syndrome Foundation wouldn't be created for another couple of years, but that doesn't mean its founding members weren't already wreaking havoc.

The FMSF would be created in 1992, and their bigger and better attacks on therapists were brutal and persistent. The legal battles would be especially effective at causing therapists to refuse to work with victims of abuse.

Research on ritual abuse, CDDs, and repressed memories came to a grinding halt.

The Satanic Panic eventually fell into relative silence by 1995, but false memories lived on, loud and cruel.

The FMSF would eventually begin to write college textbooks for the next generation of clinicians. It would survive until 2019.

The ISSTD is still trying to regain its membership. It's only recently that they reached 1500, the highest since 1993.

Antisemitism, blood libel, and the satanic panic

If you're confused about how everything is related, I'm going to make it very simple so you grasp the basic idea.

This is not a history lesson.

Blood Libel, or ritual murder, is the idea that Jewish people sacrificed Christian children in religious rituals. Cloaked figures performing rituals and killing children and animals. The same thing you picture when you think of Satanists and rituals.

For those who recognize the connection (racists), this fuels their sentiments and creates a language for them to speak to each other.

It is true, a basic fact, that for many people, Satanists are anyone who doesn't worship the Christian god. Including and especially Jewish people.

SRA and RAMCOA

Depending on who you ask, the connection is either that:

MYTH: the ISSTD originally called their RAMCOA sig (Special Interest Group) the SRA sig. FACT: The RAMCOA sig, one of twelve ISSTD sigs, was created in 2008. There was never any kind of satanic ritual abuse group or association within the ISSTD.

FACT: Ritual abuse, the RA in RAMCOA, still has ties to SRA and brings to mind everything from the panic. ALSO FACT: That's why the ISSTD has renamed it to the OEA sig.

Hopefully we're all on the same page now.

Who's Grey Faction?

Grey Faction is a group of the TST (The Satanic Temple) and is closely related to the FMSF. While the FMSF generally attacked all types of abuse, GF, being related to Satanism, is focused on recovered memories and the (still alive) satanic panic. They believe that all reports of false memories supports satanic panic conspiracy theories. They continue the FMSF's work.

How did we get here?

Well, TST and GF are on reddit. Syscringe is on reddit. And now syscringe is here.

This is what syscringe bot says every time RAMCOA is brought up.

That link goes to Grey Faction.

So is RAMCOA Antisemitic?

Kind of yeah. It was a really good move of the ISSTD to change the name to OEA sig. They talk about the association on their website and stated they wanted to get away from that. No one won the satanic panic. Ritual abuse is real, but its history is tainted.

The discourse around RAMCOA isn't about helping Jewish people. At least, not for the people pushing the false connection that the ISSTD started and continues to maintain the panic to this day.

It's about discrediting the ISSTD and the trauma theory. It's about silencing victims, even Jewish survivors.

It's about ignoring that the ISSTD is making moves in the right direction.

It's about continuing the idea that false memories exist and that trauma memories can't be trusted or taken at face value. It's about downplaying the depravity of abusers and the lengths they'll go to.

I want to finish this post with a letter from a very dear friend. It's not a mod on this blog, simply someone wishing to stay anonymous.

Uplift Jewish Voices

Hello, I’m Noam, an ethnic and religious Jew. I face antisemitism on the daily and deal with having DID. I am not a RAMCOA survivor, but I have a number of friends who are. Today I’m here to talk about the recent discourse going around regarding whether claiming to have RAMCOA experiences is inherently antisemitic. TLDR: no.

Let’s start with understanding why people think this. The term ritual abuse originated from the term satanic ritual abuse and is often associated with the satanic panic. The satanic panic in the 80s and 90s was extreme and yes, did involve a lot of antisemitic conspiracy theories. People would suggest certain symbols or music or groups of people (often vague, or calling it a nationwide conspiracy) were “brainwashing” these “good Christian children” into satanic practices or straying from rigid Christianity. Jews are often stereotyped as Satanic, controlling things, and murdering and cannibalizing children/babies.

Ritual abuse nowadays is often still associated with Satanic cults, but it has a much broader and less accusatory definition in medical/therapeutic spaces. Per Schröder et al. (2018), “ritual abuse occurs when a religious, political, or spiritual authority uses its position of power and the sovereignty to interpret the respective belief system to manipulate and dominate its followers.” Some examples include repeated forced creation of CSEM, religious and other types of cults (yes, including satanic, but also Christian and other religions), and being forced to abuse others (Schröder et al., 2018). Trafficking is also a type of organized abuse. We know these types of abuses happen. But given the history of RA as a term and the harm claims of SRA caused, how does one determine whether something is a conspiracy theory or actual trauma someone experienced?

This page by the European Commission does a good job of talking about identifying conspiracy theories and the harm they do. I won’t recount the whole thing, but here are some basic things they state conspiracy theories have in common: a secret plot, a group of conspirators, unfounded/unreliable evidence, suggesting everything is connected, dividing the world into good people and bad people, and scapegoating certain groups (“Identifying Conspiracy Theories,” 2020).

What makes (many) stories of RAMCOA different from antisemitic conspiracy theories? I’m glad you asked!

• The secret plot in conspiracy theories often involves a large group of people in on some secret changing something about the world or identifying a secret thing that must have happened to lead to unfortunate current events. RAMCOA tends to stem from people or organizations working on a much smaller scale, and the things they are doing mostly affect the person/people experiencing this abuse. Abusers may try to instill in victims a sense that they control a lot about the world and the events that happen within it, but they don’t.

• A big question I like to ask people who spout conspiracy theories is “who is they (the group of conspirators)?” If they is some generic big bad, the government, “elites” (see the AJC’s Translate Hate Glossary section titled “cosmopolitan elite”), or vague and unknown, it’s usually a dogwhistle for Jews. The person themselves may not realize this, but perhaps they never looked further into the evidence behind these accusations and who those being accused are. RAMCOA perpetrators are not vague to their victims. They often have familial ties or other close relationships with them that allow the abusers to gain their victims’ trust (Schröder et al. 2018). The things they do to abuse people and the methods they use are not vague or mysterious actions to achieve an end. There are specific actions and tactics that cults and authority figures use for RAMCOA.

• Whether evidence is unfounded is a harder thing to distinguish, since many survivors of RAMCOA cope using dissociation or have an amount of dissociative amnesia around traumatic events (Shröder 2018). The Europe Commission suggests three main things to check for in regards to evidence about a claim. Who is the author and why are they writing this? Is the source reliable/reputable? Is the tone and style “balanced and fair or sensationalist and one-dimensional?” (“Identifying Conspiracy Theories,” 2020). I also like to think about, especially with regards to abuse survivors, if this is a conspiracy theory, why are they telling me the things they’re telling me? Most RAMCOA survivors I’ve met avoid talking about their trauma and are more focused on figuring out if what they experienced is real and how to heal from it. They are not trying to convince me of something; they are just sharing their story and looking for support.

• RAMCOA victims I’ve talked to, particularly those with DID, also have a more complex view of their abusers or are trying to come to terms with all the bad things someone they admired, trusted, and/or loved did. Conspiracy theorists tend to separate people into conspirators or innocents. There is no middle ground. Healing for a lot of abuse victims involves realizing that good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things; the world is not black and white.

• Scapegoating often involves generalizing and demonizing certain people or groups of people. I find a lack of seeing these “others” as human or wanting anything other than a single, unified goal. It also tends to involve assumptions much more than any personal experience. Anyone with even the slightest connection to a certain ideology is evil. RAMCOA often involves many victims, many of whom understand that other people involved with the organization that hurt them are also victims or have been scared or brainwashed into further perpetuating abuse.

• Also, while satanic panic was largely about going against Christianity, many religious cults are associated with particular sects or communities within Christianity, and they use certain ideologies within the group to deter people from leaving or reporting abuse. Perpetrators claim some sort of punishment or betrayal will be involved in these actions.

Anyways, I want to put emphasis on healing in RAMCOA survivors, where many of the points and purposes of conspiracy theories are antithetical to such a process. People should be allowed to find support, community, and reliable resources about what they have gone through (if it is physically/mentally safe for them to do so). Please do not insist that these traumas aren’t real on the basis of antisemitism from the satanic panic. The survivors I’ve met who talk about parts of their trauma are working hard to come to terms with it themselves and how to cope, and while they may be angry and upset towards their abusers, they do not try to insist to me how evil a group is and that there is a need to take direct action against them. They are just trying to survive.

Now, ritual abuse as a term and the history of its use is something I think needs more discussion. I would love to see more research about how the term evolved within medical/therapeutic spaces and how much of a connection the current definition and use has to antisemitism. But regardless of what we end up calling these types of abuses, there are real examples of them and people who have empirical evidence that they have been through such experiences.

Furthermore, I have a problem with a lot of the claims of antisemitism in relation to RAMCOA coming from goyim (AKA non-Jews). You are not the authority on antisemitism. You do not get to claim to defend us while not speaking to us about the topic. There is so much antisemitism going around, but I find so few people willing to listen to Jews when we talk about the struggles we face. (The SAS mods are an example of exceptions to this. I appreciate the amount I’ve been able to talk to them and how open and supportive they are. I love y’all.) Encouraging hate and disbelief is not helpful to us. What’s helpful is doing your research and learning about how to recognize and combat antisemitism. Take your energy where it’s needed, thank you.

European Commission. (2020, August 12). Identifying conspiracy theories. European Commission. <https://commission.europa.eu/strategy-and-policy/coronavirus-response/fighting-disinformation/identifying-conspiracy-theories_en>

Gerke, J., Fegert, J., Rassenhofer, M., & Fegert, J. M. (2024). Organized sexualized and ritual violence: Results from two representative German samples. Child Abuse & Neglect, 152, 106792. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2024.106792

[summerdreamof2009]

friendly reminder RAMCOA is real and exists. there are plenty of systems out there who have suffered this abuse and live their lives with the consequences.

i just think people need to remember them sometimes because they deserve to be acknowledged and feel seen too.

[summerdreamof2009]

0501202401

I can’t close my eyes anymore.

Night comes,

There’s my beautiful bed:

So soft,

But I’m walking under the artificial lights.

I’m washing, washing, washing.

I’m folding, folding, folding.

I’m cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

I’m sharpening, writing, dusting.

Dawn stretches open, the day slides by.

Surely tonight they will close;

But they don’t.

I can’t close my eyes anymore.

Night again.

My heart’s a little faster.

The bed looks a little bigger.

The light’s a little brighter.

I’m washing, washing, washing.

I’m folding, folding, folding.

I’m crying, crying, crying.

I’m arguing, arguing, arguing.

I’m mumbling, mumbling, mumbling.

This week it’s been five nights in all so far with a single night’s reprieve between them.

It’s not that I’m not tired.

I’m exhausted.

It’s what I see when I close my eyes and drift away.

Someone please help.

I can’t close my eyes anymore.

[summerdreamof2009]

Sometimes I seem to feel both sex obsessed and touch repulsed