#+ has forged it into her personality in order to cope with the loss of a dearly loved one And gets self conscious when

[halcyonbot]

repainted over some old wendy and abigail pieces

[dynoguard]

Since the Fossil Ghouls got a lengthy post with this information, I feel its only fair for the heroes to get the same.

In the closing days of the Cretacious, the Dinosovian civilization was at its height. Their world came to a screaming end with the arrival of the Monster Meteor Apothis. In an effort to save their people, Professor Rachus of Science Tower One attempted to shift the Dinosovian people into the future to escape the impact.

Something went wrong.

65 million years later, Science Tower One and a handful of Dinosovian survivors appear on the outskirts of Granite Mountain, Colorado, while far above, the injured core of Apothis materializes in orbit. When Apothis’ Fossil Ghouls descend on Earth, the only hope for mankind is the reductant heroes of the DynoGuard.

Roar into the Future! (bios and lore below the fold)

Dracora “Cora” Rex Species: Pachyon (Dracorex) Armor: Trailrazor  DynoPower: Flame Breath Ranger Cora Rex of the DynoGuard Parks and Wildlife division wasn’t ready for any of this. She was just dropping off her daughter at a summer internship when the world ended, leaving her the highest ranking (and only) government official of her people. Practical, longsuffering and tough, Cora is the common sense glue that holds the new DynoGuard together. Hopeless with technology and baffled by science, but has a natural affinity for animals and, against her better judgement, a knack for heroism.

Brach Longstride Species: Podite (Brachiosaurus) Armor: Slammerhead  DynoPower: Size Increase  Easygoing and literally tons of fun, Brach (Brachiosaurus) walks a fine line between exuberance and self-control. He’s a big, lovable mechanic and handyman who keeps everything from food dispensers to DynoGuard vehicles humming. If there’s a fight to break up or tensions to ease, Brach’s your dino. He loves hamburgers (his favorite human invention), fixing things, and explosions. 

Zara Hurlant Species: Pachyon (Parasaurolophus) Armor: Echo Chamber  DynoPower: Hypersonic Scream The protégé of Science Tower One’s head researcher Professor Rachus, Zara  is an expert in theoretical physics and the Time Slip device. Zara blames herself for the botched time jump and for bringing Apothis with them. Her guilt manifests as a short temper and sarcastic attitude. She’s capable of amazing acts of kindness and heroism, but she holds herself at arms length from others. She resents humans for inheriting the world. She tolerates Jason, but holds Gloria in suspicion and contempt.

Kyle Stowne Species: Thyrene (Ankylosaurus) Armor: Hazmaxx  DynoPower: Metal Form  Kyle Stowne rolls with life’s punches as best he can, typically by focusing on some problem to solve. A brilliant young engineer and chemist, Kyle was at the edge of the Time Slip and lost his left arm and several horns to the void. He wears (and endlessly tinkers with) a prosthetic arm of his own design. He has a sharp analytical mind with a “light the fuse and run” approach to science. He is obsessed with finding the science behind the Fossil Ghouls’ “so-called magic.” He focuses on his work to the point of ignoring food, sleep and hygiene. 

Linhera “Linn” Rex Species: Dromeon (velociraptor) Armor: Fighterflight  DynoPower: Cloaking Camoflage Curious, excitable and impulsive, Linn finds adapting to modern life easier than the others. She becomes fast friends with Jason James and loves human culture despite not quite “getting” it. She unabashedly adores action movies, pop music, young adult novels, hyperactive video games, and cute animals both real and animated. Her exuberance helps her cope with the loss of her father and friends, whom she misses greatly.

Jason James Species: Human Equipment: DynoSphere vehicle/battle armor, Podite Multi-Tool Jason met the DynoGuard when his father, Sagan James, moved to Granite Mountain to work for Gloria Anning. He is Linn’s best friend and the first human to become a DynoGuard cadet. Like most boys his age, Jason loves gadgets, video games and goofing off. But his burning passion is cryptozoology, the unsolved, and the unexplained. Now that monsters are real and talking dinosaurs walk the Earth, this minor rebellion against his scientist parents is a useful skill set. Kentra Thagomizer and Tyrannocopter Species: Kentra is a Thyrene (stegosaurus), Tyranncopter is a Tyrannocopter.  Armor: Motosaurus  DynoPower: Energy Spikes/Plates  Kentra and Tyrannocpter did not return with Science Tower One. The only thing certain about their background is none of what they’ve provided is true. Kentra has a smarmy, roguish demeanor and a love of profit and schemes. Tyrannocopter’s artificial intellignece isn’t any better, but at leas the’s more charming.  Dr. Cerebrotops Species: Cerosoid (diabloceratops) Armor: Peer Review  DynoPower: Telepathy, Telekinesis Mutated by genetic experiments he performed on himself, Dr. Cerebrotops (Diabloceratops) is a telepathic mad scientist and the first Dinosovian Cora’s team encounters after arriving on modern Earth. 

Dr. Cerebrotops values intelligence beyond all else, specifically his own. He’s an arrogant egomaniac who defends his positions by invoking the size of his brains, and considers himself shackled by the ignorance of other creatures. His Aegis Armor is a custom suit called Peer Review, which summons Meddy and Cort, a pair of additional cloned brians he uses as assistants. Meddy is optimistic and scatterbrained while Cort is pessimistic and anxious.

Gloria Anning Species: Human Billionaire Tech Mogul  Owner of Anningtech and the Observatory where Science Tower One rematerialized (as well as most of the surrounding town of Granite Mountain, Colorado), Gloria Anning stands at the center of everything. The DynoGuard’s patron and most powerful human ally, Gloria funds and defends her time-lost charges from the threats that armor, claws and fangs cannot match: fighting for them in court and in the media.

Gloria’s driven, quirky personality and generosity hide a larger agenda. On the surface she works to forge peace between the Dinosovians and humanity as her chance at a place in history. In secret, she seeks to unlock the secrets of the DynoGuard’s technology, particularly that of the DynoBond, to ensure that place. She claims her plans and schemes are in the best interests of her new friends, but can the DynoGuard trust her… and if not, is there anything they can do about it?

---

Allegiences & Relationships

As heroes, the DynoGuard get a long better than the Fossil Ghouls, however, they each have their own unique relationships to one another.

Cora sees herself as the ‘mother’ of the team, and as the lone member with sense. She’s probably not wrong in either case. She sees Brach as a fellow adult, if just barely, and frequently clashes with Zara over everything from trusting the humans, to battle strategy, to chore rotation. Her strongest loyalty is to her daughter, Linn.

Brach is the ‘fun uncle’ of the team. He has a troubled past and sees a lot of himself in Zara, but his attempts to reach out usually anony her. Brach neither trusts nor likes Dr. Cerebrotops. 

Zara clashes with Cora over leadership decisions. She is fond of Linn because they were both hand-picked by Professor Rachus, and she’s fond of Kyle even if they fight like siblings. She does not trust Gloria, or most humans, a prejudice that leaves her open to Dr. Cerebrotops’ influrence.

Kyle wants everyone on the team to get along. He likes his fellow dinosovians, and the humans, even when they’re being baffling. He fills the mentor/big brother role for Linn and a rival sibling role for Zara. 

Linn has a strong relationship with her mother, despite rebelling as most dinos of her age do. She and Jason are best freinds, and she quickly adapts to seeing the DynoGuard as a second family.

Kentra is loyal to herself and Tyrannocopter, in that order. While she would gladly steal from or swindle her fellow dinos, her conscience will always drive her to show up when survival is on the line. She avoids Dr. Cerebrotops as telepathy, as a concept, makes her uncomfortable. Tyrannocopter’s loyalties are to Kentra nd to any other fully intelligent Dinosovian AI that he encounters. His distaste for seeing other creatures exploited occasionally is strong enough to override his self-interest.

Dr. Cerebrotops has a misanthrope’s view of most beings. He respects Zara’s skill as a scientist and sees her as a possible ally against humanity, which he sees as a threat that must be removed or defanged before the rest of Dinosovian civilization exists the time slip. He sees Kyle as a promising student hwo isn’t living up to his potential and only really cares about Linn or Brach if he can impress them with his intellect or power.

-

Character Vices

While each Fossil Ghoul had a virtue, each Dino/Ally has a vice.

Cora is stubborn. She adapts poorly to technology, has a difficult time backing down from plans and has a hard time admitting she’s wrong, particularly to Zara. 

Brach is afraid of his own power/success. He fears the destructive capability of his own DynoPower and underachieved professionally despite being a mechanical genius. 

Zara is filled with anger. She was always short-tempered, but losing her people, her father figure, and her world in one day has exaggerated this. In addition to makin gher a classic ‘hothead’ this also manifests as mistrust of humans, something she struggles with through for some time.

Kyle is obsessive. Kyle has difficulty moderating his interests, in both the day-to-day sense and the big picture sense. Once something grabs him it is difficult if not impossible for him to let go.

Linn is impulsive. Linn isn’t as mature as she believes herself to be and is prone to acting on impulse. She makes poor choices when it comes to proving herself or rebelling against percieved overprotectiveness by her mother other the other Dinos.

Jason is vulnerable to peer pressure. He wants to be popular and well liked, and can be goaded into going against his better judgement if he thinks he can impress others, particularly kids his own age or slightly older. 

Kentra and Tyrannocopter are self-serving and dishonest, but they have  their virtues as well, Kentra has a sense of honor and draws the line at hurting the innocent with her scemes (with flexible definitions of ‘hurt’ and ‘innocent’.) Tyrannocopter dislikes seeing other creatures exploited and sometimes cannot be dissauded from “getting political” by Kentra. Dr. Cerebrotops is not a good person, but even he has a soft spot. Dr. Cerebrotops is a momma’s egg and respects mothers. He may not be friendly to them, but he withholds his insults, sarcasm and condescention when dealing with moms and other female caregivers, even human ones. 

Gloria is possessed of a certainty bordering on megalomania.  She does what she feels is best for anyone, and does not feel the need to include those people in the discussion. The fact that she is very often right makes

No one, including Gloria, can tell if Gloria is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, or the wrong thing for the right one.

[orangerosebush]

On minds and matters

It was a bit disheartening to spend years working towards an MA in psychology, only to then use it on hour-long glorified eye-staring contests with the moody adolescents of the UK’s Vieux riches. His job paid well, though, and as such Dr. Po was willing to grit his teeth and soldier on through each meeting on his list.

He’d had plenty of patients who came to him determined not to progress. These were the boys who had a few too many write-ups on their files; the ones whose families were tired of their son being too 'emotionally high-maintenance'; the students who had consigned themselves to being one of the ‘troubled’ boys. The problem with elite boarding schools was that they sometimes served as the dumping grounds for wealthy families who would prefer to not be reminded of their screw-up children — as such, Dr. Po’s target demographic was made up of boys determined to ‘win’ therapy by going home just as bitter and in pain as they were when they started sessions with him.

He didn’t always make a breakthrough. Sometimes, he had patients who showed up to a session with a note from Dean Guiney excusing them from further meetings, and that was that. Dr. Po firmly believed that every single student he’d met with was capable of finding some coping mechanism or outlet that would help them — and he hoped that the students whose sessions stopped before any progress had been made found happiness in the future. Or, at the very least, that they found something that would bring them peace.

There were certain patients he’d had that stood out from the others, both for good reasons and bad. Artemis Fowl II was one of those patients — and standing out for reasons ‘both good and bad’ described Artemis perfectly. 

Following a series of disastrous sessions when the boy was thirteen, Dr. Po had simply stopped seeing Artemis. The boy hadn’t even shown up with a note terminating their sessions. One day, a new boy had shown up in the time slot usually reserved for Artemis, and that had been that. Dr. Po hadn’t seen Artemis since. He vaguely remembered hearing the news that the Fowl patriarch had been found — alive — and not been sure whether to expect Artemis to get better or worse. 

Would the return of his father foster the growth of the nascent emotional maturity that Artemis had exhibited in their final sessions? Or would Artemis’ worst traits — his tendency towards arrogance, his dismissal of others, his budding narcissism — firmly take root, defining Artemis’ personality for good? These questions nagged at Dr. Po, and truthfully, he was too cowardly to ask around the staff to confirm just what sort of person Artemis had become.

Thus, Artemis remained an enigma.

An enigma that just so happened to be sitting in the armchair across from Dr. Po, boring a hole through the doctor with his unflinching gaze.

In true Artemis Fowl fashion, the boy had shown up for a session that had been reserved without a name. Dr. Po had nearly dropped his clipboard when he’d opened the door to usher in his new patient and been greeted with a now fifteen years of age Artemis Fowl standing before him, looking simultaneously defiant and sheepish.

They’d both walked into the room wordlessly, waiting in silence as Dr. Po awkwardly rummaged around in his desk for his old notes on Artemis while the young teen sat gingerly in the patient seat in the middle of the room.

“You’ve not switched to a digital filing system?”

Dr. Po started, looking up at Artemis.

“No psychiatrist or counselor uses iPads or digital notetakers,” Dr. Po explained hesitantly, brow furrowing.

Artemis wasn’t one for small talk, usually.

Shaking his head slightly as if to right himself, Dr. Po continued. “It’d be convenient, but there are concerns about the patient being recorded."

Artemis seemed satisfied with that answer.

Flipping his notes closed, Dr. Po studied Artemis, who raised a single brow.

“I’ve never forgotten our session that you left in the middle of,” Dr. Po remarked, and the frown lines on Artemis’ face deepened. “You were such a smarmy child. But you… made this joke.”

Artemis leaned back in his chair, tapping a foot in annoyance. “What a wonderful memory you have.”

“Not really. But it’s hard to forget a patient like you, Artemis,” Dr. Po sighed. “I tried to ask you about your feelings — you responded by telling me a family heirloom was a blatant forgery.”

The memory caused Artemis to smile genuinely for the first time since he’d stepped into the office. “The fake Victorian?”

The doctor grimaced. “Yes.”

“Despite its lack of authenticity, it was a perfectly nice armchair,” Artemis assured, a gently teasing note worming its way into his voice.

Edged on by Artemis' demeanor softening, Dr. Po pushed on. “But back to the joke. I remarked on the loss of your father — insensitively, I now realize — and you shut down. You started jerking me in this way and that in order to prevent me from getting a real reading on you. You said something along the lines of, ‘I’m depressed that I’m going to therapy,’ I believe. Quite a bon mot.”

“I was impudent as a young boy, I’m afraid,” Artemis said breezily, sounding more amused by the tale than remorseful. “I hope you’ll forgive me for a poor first impression.”

“Artemis, why are you back in my office?”

Artemis didn’t even blink, taking the challenge in stride. “My mother believes it will be beneficial.”

“Your mother? Not you?”

“Correct.”

“And… beneficial? To what end? Elaborate on her reasoning, perhaps,” Dr. Po asked, trying to keep his tone light.

“She believes I am emotionally maladjusted,” Artemis said, giving a small shrug.

“Are you?”

Artemis blinked owlishly, the question not quite computing. “Am I what, doctor?”

Dr. Po clicked his pen idly. “Unhappy.”

“Well, of course.”

Dr. Po was unable to keep his face neutral, and Artemis chuckled slightly at the doctor’s wide-eyed gaping.

“Dr. Po,” Artemis sighed, sobering as if he were explaining something evident to a child. “Of course I am unhappy occasionally. I’m a very busy man. My intellect has made it so I’ve moved beyond the carefree days of adolescence — I’ve matured past an age where my mother could treat me as a child, and although I don’t mourn the loss of simpler times, I suppose she does.”

Dr. Po forced himself not to ask if Artemis had ever truly been treated as a child, deciding to steer clear of the topic of family based on how unproductively the discussion had gone years ago. Instead, he elected to place his clipboard on the floor, looking at Artemis bluntly.

“Artemis, I’m not diagnosing you with anything,” he began, holding up a hand when Artemis opened his mouth to say something. “What I want to discuss today, however, is that right now I see the same pain in you today as I did when you were thirteen — and since I’m no longer getting complaints from department heads, that means you’ve taken that frustration and turned it somewhere else.”

Artemis’ lips quirked upwards, but his eyes were mirthless. “You share my mother's theory that I am some variation of the tortured genius stereotype.”

“How about this — I think that you believe that there isn’t a person alive smart enough to help you. Because to 'fix' you, someone would have to look inside you, and you think you’re the only person that’s able to understand how you work.”

“How narcissistic of me.”

“I’ve met with a lot of people since our last session when you were thirteen,” Dr. Po stressed. “I’ve not met anyone quite as clever as you, but I’ve met people who fit the same profile. You’re well versed in my profession, so you’re able to view your pain as both a participant and as an outsider — and that strangely voyeuristic relationship to your mind makes it so you and all these other folks think that you’re objective. Logical, even, in your analysis of your mind. You understand every tick, every tiny mechanism, every structure of your psyche. And if you understand it all and you still can’t will yourself to be happy, then why the hell should I be able to do anything for you? After all, I’m just some idiot who decorates his office with forged antique furniture his grandfather was gullible enough to purchase. Why should I know better than you do?”

Artemis was silent at that.

“If someone can, say, convince themselves that all their peers are 2D caricatures of people, they’ll never have to think about why they struggle to feel any pleasure from social interaction. If they can look around and see how far their family has come, then they can force themselves to box up and discard the baggage of the past. If they can convince themselves that pain and genius are twins, that the torment is part of the gift by which they define themselves, then the fear they have that maybe they’re destined for a life marked by paranoia and apathy no longer has to be confronted,” Dr. Po tried, searching for some way to express his thoughts before Artemis decided to snap at him. “Maybe you’re the only one who sees the world as it really is. But maybe your mother is right to be concerned. I get why… that’s an unattractive possibility to you. It would mean your analysis of yourself was incorrect. And if you were wrong, if your mind has tricked you into running away from the change that you need to feel happier, then you’re just as human as the rest of us. Pain tricked you into believing its integral to your ‘youness’. You’re... just human. And let me tell you, Artemis, that feeling ineffectual, and frustrated, and sad is... so very painfully human.”

By the time he’d finished his spiel, Dr. Po’s voice was soft. Pursing his lips, he tried to see if he’d garnered any sort of reaction from Artemis. The teen remained stony-faced.

“I can recommend a therapist from outside Saint Bartleby’s,” Dr. Po finally said. “If you don’t want to work with me, then I don’t want to waste either of our time.”

Artemis seemed to be broiling with unreadable intensity, and for a moment Dr. Po worried that he’d start going on a diatribe.

His fears soon were proven unfounded when all of the sudden, Artemis seemed to deflate.

“I do not choose sadness for myself, Dr. Po. I can assure you that,” Artemis remarked, sounding weary in the way men twice his age did when confronted by the prospect of the world having moved on past their prime.

“I would never imply something so insensitive,” Dr. Po insisted. “But there is a difference between me saying something of that sort and me asking you to believe that I could help you. Or if not me, then someone better suited to working with you.”

Artemis ruminated on the statement, his tapered fingers tapping out an unfamiliar rhythm on the arms of the ornate chair he was sitting in.

“I will come to my session next week,” he finally decided, and Dr. Po almost sagged with relief.

Carefully, the two of them continued on with the session. Although it felt as though they were both walking on eggshells around one another, the hour-long session ultimately ended in a place where Dr. Po felt like they could work with. He walked Artemis to the door, and after awkwardly bidding him goodbye, Dr. Po retreated back into his office.

For a while, he simply sat at his desk, thinking.

It wasn’t as though he’d made groundbreaking headway with Artemis today. Frankly, they’d been only nominally productive following Artemis’ promise to give therapy a genuine attempt.

The day stretched on, and Dr. Po was no closer to making sense of the ever-present Artemis conundrum.

After all, how does one describe Artemis Fowl?

Various psychiatrists have tried and failed. The problem is Artemis’ own intelligence. He bamboozles every test thrown at him. He has puzzled the greatest medical minds, and sent many of them gibbering back to their own hospitals.

Dr. Po paused, reaching back for the clipboard he’d discarded at the beginning of the session.

Artemis Fowl II was fifteen. He had various, tremendously important responsibilities, the details of which he refused to elaborate on. His best friend, to Dr. Po’s knowledge, was his paid bodyguard. Frankly, Dr. Po didn’t think they’d talk about Artemis’ family for a long, long time.

Dr. Po couldn’t really describe Artemis Fowl, because he didn’t know him. He didn’t think many people knew the boy, not really.

All the same, Dr. Po wanted to try. He wanted to try to understand Artemis Fowl a bit better. Not because Dr. Po wanted to a hero, but because he wanted Artemis Fowl to just get to be a boy instead of whatever impossible, confusing role Artemis seemed to be trying to fill.

Artemis Fowl was fifteen. Dr. Po hoped that he’d hold onto boyhood a little while longer.

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

So one of the aspects that I appreciate about the Ace Attorney series is that it’s one of the few franchises I can think of where there’s a clear distinction between “antagonist” and “villain”. Because technically speaking, there are two main foes per turnabout; the murderer and the prosecutor. Sometimes, they’re the same character (coughManfredvonKarmacough), but for the most part, they’re two separate characters.

The thing is, even though the prosecutor characters are “antagonists”, they aren’t necessarily villains. They just so happen to be on the villain/murderer’s side for the episode. 

Also, what keeps the prosecutors from being full-on villains is that even though they’re antagonistic towards Phoenix/Apollo/Athena, they aren’t necessarily evil people:

1) Miles Edgeworth’s behavior was the result of Manfred von Karma’s terrible influence. We see that he is a good person with strong morals (Miles temporarily quit being a prosecutor when he realized he unknowingly used forged evidence to put a murderer away) and that, with the right influences around him, he can be an honorable attorney. 

2) Franziska von Karma puts up a tough front in order to hide the fact that she’s buckling from the pressure of living up to the Von Karma name. She’s not a terrible person and we even see her care for Miles and lead the search for Maya in Bridge to the Turnabout. Once again, it’s Manfred von Karma’s influence that’s the problem here.

3) Godot’s hatred of Phoenix stems from the trauma of being poisoned by Dahlia and losing Mia. T&T made it clear that he was a good man who was torn down by events out of his control and, instead of finding a healthy way to cope with his losses, he channeled his trauma into rage and hatred. He’s definitely more on the grey side of morality but he’s not outright evil, especially when compared to the actual villain of the game, Dahlia.

4) Someone who is a bigger Klavier Gavin fan than me can probably do a better analysis of the character but, to me, Klavier is the best example of the “antagonist, but not a villain” aspect that I mentioned. He’s the least antagonistic of the six main prosecutors and actually makes an effort to help Apollo. The only times where he’s against Apollo and Phoenix is when they’re in court. 

5) Simon Blackquill is a bit of an ironic character since even though he was set up as a representation of the “dark age of the law”, he’s actually an honorable man who is on the side of justice from the start. True to his nickname “The Twisted Samurai”, he has a twisted sense of humor and likes to mock his foes but he’s honorable like a samurai. In fact, his whole character arc revolved around how honorable he is, from taking the blame of Metis Cykes’ murder in order to protect Athena to actively helping Athena in court.

6) Nahyuta Sahdmadhi, while definitely my least favorite of the main prosecutors, is an example of a good man being torn apart by forces out of his control. He was on the side of Dhurke’s revolution but was forced to bend to Queen Ga’ran when she threatened to ruin the lives of the people he loved. Even then, he’s not an evil person as he genuinely cares about punishing wicked people. 

To summarize, no matter how annoying, frustrating, or problematic the prosecutors get, what keeps them from being the “main villain” of the game is that there’s a way worse person in the story who actually has evil intentions.

[bubonickitten]

Summary: Jon goes back to before the world ended and tries to forge a different path.

Previous chapter: tumblr // AO3

Chapter 10 full text & content warnings below the cut.

CWs for Chapter 10: brief panic attack; some vague JonMartin apocalypse angst. SPOILERS through S5.

Chapter 10: Pending Arrival

It’s okay, Jon tells himself, forcing himself to breathe the way Martin taught him: Four seconds in; hold seven seconds; eight seconds out.

Well… okay, it’s not okay. It’s very, very not okay.

…but – four – it – five – will – six – be – seven… okay, exhale.

Some time later – eight minutes, thirty-six-point-eight seconds, he Knows, though he didn’t ask – his breathing evens out and his thoughts clear with it.

That interaction with Martin wasn’t unexpected. There’s little reason to expect things to be different this time around, especially this soon after Jon woke up. He knows this.

There is a wall between him and Martin right now, constructed from a lifetime of rejection and loneliness that Jon himself contributed to for far too long. It’s been recently expanded by a mountain of grief, loss, and mourning – what should have been years’ worth condensed into the last six months – and it’s been further reinforced by Peter Lukas’ manipulations.

It will take some time to coax Martin away from the Lonely. Hopefully it won’t take as long as it did the last time, especially now that Jon knows that the hypothetical threat of the Extinction is not as imminent as Peter claims, but still: Martin needs time and space. Besides, Jon simply can’t force the Lonely out of him with a few words and a prayer. Martin has to choose to reject it of his own volition, or it will always cling to him.

And most importantly: Martin deserves to make his own choice. Jon has no right to take that from him, any more than he did when they passed through the Lonely’s domain.

It would have been nice to be able to physically see Martin, though. Or even just hear his voice outside of his own head. Memories can only provide so much reassurance, and for so long.

Jon had every intention of continuing yesterday’s strategy meeting this afternoon, but already his brief conversation with Georgie and painfully brief interaction with Martin have left him fatigued. The migraine he had expected yesterday failed to reach fruition, but the threat of it still lingers, accompanied by a painless but still unpleasant sensation of pressure in his head, making him feel off-kilter. As of right now, he can still pull on the Archive to speak. Sitting down and strategizing, though, is another matter entirely. Planning ahead has never been part of his skill set. Anxiety, sleep deprivation, and a supernaturally-imparted speech impediment aren’t doing him any favors.

“Let me guess: you’re out of commission.”

Basira looks him up and down, taking in his hunched gargoyle posture in his desk chair, his half-lidded eyes, his restless hands: one resting uneasily on top of his desk, fingers twitching and tapping with no discernible rhythm; the other wound up in the scarf Georgie gave him, still draped over his shoulders.

Jon can’t tell what characterizes her more in this moment: frustration with him, or simple exhaustion. Despite his own hypersensitivity to how others perceive him, he has a feeling that in this moment, it’s the latter.

“I think it can wait until tomorrow,” says Georgie, perched on the edge of Jon’s desk.

“Fine,” Basira concedes. “Tomorrow, then.” She knocks twice on the doorframe. When Jon looks up on reflex, she catches his eye. “Get some actual sleep tonight, Jon. It’s not just your personal mental health on the line here.”

“She is right about you needing to sleep,” Georgie says as Basira leaves. He avoids eye contact. “I’m serious. You look exhausted. I can get you a sleep aid –” Jon shakes his head slowly. “Why?”

With a sudden burst of energy, Jon stands, grabs her hand, and leads her to the entrance to the tunnels. He waits until they’ve both descended the ladder and the trapdoor is closed behind them before he turns to her and blurts out:

“…too afraid to go to sleep.”

“I can sit next to you while you fall asleep if you –”

“…would serve no purpose except to start me having the nightmares again,” he mumbles, sinking into the nearest chair.

“You’ve been having those for a long time now,” Georgie says, following his lead and sitting across from him. “And you’ve figured out how to cope with them. What’s actually scaring you?”

Jon bites his lower lip and bows his head.

“Then I would watch – once again –”

“– paralyzed with fear –”

“– tried to scream but I couldn’t find my breath, I couldn’t move –”

“– I couldn’t talk to anyone –”

“– unable to move its body, though – its eyes darting around wildly –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help –”

“– unable to look away –”

“– could only stare at him as he slowly, achingly crawled towards his doom –”

“– being unable to reach him –”

“– stare at it, knowing how your – friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help –”

“Slow down. You’re worried you’ll go back to how you were before?”

“…could only watch from the sidelines, getting a… a –”

He stops, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

“What is it, Jon?”

“And the worst part was that, somewhere in me, I – I liked it –”

“– it drew me in almost as much as it disgusted me –”

“– getting a… a sad vicarious thrill from –”

“– when people look at me… that fear“ – Jon’s breath hitches – “it feels amazing.”

He looks up at Georgie.

“Underneath all that awful fear, it felt like… home,” he whispers in a haunted tone. The shame crashes over him and he breaks eye contact, ducking his head again.

Georgie is quiet for a long moment. Then, she leans forward, reaches out, and takes his hand. He flinches and freezes.

“It sounds to me like you don’t want to like it,” she says. “People sometimes have feelings and urges that they aren’t proud of. Things that would hurt other people, if acted on.” She takes a breath. “But… I think it says more about a person’s character when they fight back against it.”

“…a presence within myself, inside my being –”

“– will strip us of what it means to be human, and leave us something alien and cold.”

“I know your circumstances are… different –”

“…it was the product of an otherworldly evil and called to me,” he says miserably.

“I know,” she says again. “There’s something in you, something that came from outside of yourself, and it’s trying to change you. Consume you.”

“…should have fought harder against the temptation –”

“But you’re fighting it now, aren’t you? You want things to be different.”

“I suppose I had to believe that the darkened natures of our terror could be kept in check – a rather feeble hope, for my own salvation –”

“– as if it might ward whatever awful thing waited inside that door.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a feeble hope. This is the most sure I’ve ever seen you be about anything.” She jostles his hand until he looks up at her. “You’re not a bad person, Jon. You’re taking extreme steps to make sure you don’t hurt anyone. It might not change the things you’ve done in the past, but neither will beating yourself up over it.”

Jon laughs, wincing when it comes out sounding a bit tear-choked.

“I try to think that I’ve left my past behind, but that sort of denial doesn’t help me sleep.”

“Maybe not. But you don’t have to deny the past in order to move beyond it. You can remember your mistakes and learn from them without letting them define you. And I think… I think you’re going to have to do that, if you want to move forward.” After a moment, Jon nods. Apparently unconvinced, Georgie adds: “Also, I don’t know if you need to be told this, but getting better means actually taking care of yourself.”

Jon chuckles at that, some of his tension bleeding away. “Thank you for indulging me, you’ve been very patient.”

“Stop that. You’d do the same for me. You have done the same for me.” He opens his mouth to argue. “Yeah, you’re not great at comforting people, I know. But I’ve seen you try.”

He must still look dubious, because Georgie sighs heavily.

“Do you remember when I was going through that medication change in uni?”

Jon nods warily.

It had been before they started dating. Jon has never made friends easily, but somehow Georgie had managed to tolerate his company long enough for him to start letting his guard down. At that point in his life, she really was the only one who he could confidently call a friend.

So when the antidepressant she had been on for over a year lost effectiveness and she had to start the arduous process of finding a new one, Jon had a front row seat to a depressive episode – and he felt irretrievably lost. He had no script to follow; he worried incessantly that he was making things worse, that he wasn’t making himself useful enough, that he was intruding on her personal space and she just didn’t have the energy to tell him the truth. He would pace restlessly and trip over his words and lapse into uncomfortable silences, wringing his hands and brooding – being more of a nuisance than a help, he was certain.

“You didn’t know how to help,” Georgie says, as if reading his mind. “You couldn’t make me better. I could tell it was driving you mad, not having an answer, because there was no simple answer. It was just… something that had to be lived through, coped with – and you’ve never been able to tolerate that concept, I know. You’re not good at waiting.” Jon huffs – only because she’s right. “But,” Georgie says emphatically, “you spent time with me, even though I was no fun. Brought me takeaway, set alarms to remind yourself to ask me if I’d taken my meds, did all this – this reading and research on how to support a loved one in crisis, which was” – she chuckles – “very you.”

Jon focuses intently on the weave of his scarf, petting it absently with his free hand, tracing the knit with his fingertips.

“You stayed anyway, even though you were uncomfortable. You didn’t say as much, but you’re fairly obvious when you’re anxious. At one point I told you I didn’t want you to fix it, I just didn’t want to be alone, and… you respected that. Which surprised me, to be honest. I was certain you’d be stubborn about it, act like you knew better than me.” Jon smiles at that. It was a fair assumption for her to make, especially back then. “Probably never would’ve considered dating you if you hadn’t proven me wrong then.”

“Until he became me –“

“– moody, short-tempered, constantly on edge.”

He gives Georgie a wry look as he says it, though, and she laughs.

“You’ve always been moody and on edge, including then. That wasn’t a new development that grew up overnight. What I’m saying is you’ve never been just that – which is why I have expectations of you, because I know what you’re capable of.” She gives him a serious look. “Like I told you years ago, you need to stop seeing things in black-and-white – including when it’s about you. Not everything has a clear-cut answer. You’d be happier if you could make peace with that.”

“And he was aware of it always – could not disagree,” Jon says with an exaggerated eye roll.

“Of course I’m right,” she quips back. “But you’re trying, and that’s all I ask.”

The ensuing silence is a comfortable one. Jon uses the lapse as an opportunity to search for a way to ask after Melanie.

“Statement of Georgina Barker regarding –”

Jon pauses. There’s really no way of saying the next part without accidentally drawing on more than one statement, but… Georgie is safe, and the phrase only appears a couple of times in the Archive, so it shouldn’t be too powerful.

“Statement of Melanie King.”

There is a reverb to the words, but the lightheadedness that comes with it is mild and passes quickly. Georgie appears to notice the odd tenor of his voice, tilting her head slightly to track the sound, but she doesn’t pursue it.

“You’re asking how Melanie is?”

“I wanted to check in with them, find out what happened.”

“She’s… having a rough day. I don’t think it’s my place to say more than that.”

Jon nods again: I understand. Then, he repeats again: “Statement of Georgina Barker.”

Georgie leans forward, elbow on knee, chin propped up by her fist. Her other hand continues to hold Jon’s, but she loosens her grip somewhat. The crease between her eyebrows is familiar to him – Georgie is taking her time to inventory her thoughts before speaking. He waits.

“I’m… hm. It’s been a lot to process,” she says carefully. “I think I’m doing okay for the moment? I’m mostly worried about Melanie. I’ve been worried about Melanie, but… after what you said about quitting – it’s complicated things a bit. It’s – it’s something we needed to know,” she adds, seeing Jon’s guilty expression. “I’m glad you were honest with us. Actually, I think Melanie was surprised that you told us about the, ah, second way to quit. It… hmm. It doesn't fit with the image she has of you.” Jon snorts at the delicate phrasing, and Georgie gives him a sheepish smile. “Sorry, but she still thinks you’re a self-serving prick.”

Jon shrugs, unperturbed. He already knew that, and it’s not like he’s done much to dissuade Melanie of that assessment. Not yet, anyway.

“Oh, but she told me to reassure you that she isn’t going to kill you in your sleep, so that’s something? I told her that’s not why you pulled an all-nighter, but she said to let you know anyway.”

Jon laughs, and Georgie’s eyes crinkle when she returns a smile. After a moment, though, it fades.

“I did want to ask, though… did Melanie find out how to quit in your future as well?” Jon nods. “In that case – I’m not sure if you were planning on it, but in case you were… don’t tell me just yet what her decision was where you came from. I’ve been tempted to ask, but I haven’t talked it over with Melanie yet, and I think that’s her call to make. Okay?” Jon nods again. “And… she’s still angry with you – with a lot of things, really, but especially this place, and she sees you as inseparable from it.”

“They’re not entirely wrong,” Jon accedes.

“I did talk to her about it. She asked me to let you know that she does want to talk to you – I know she has some questions to ask – but that she doesn’t want you near her right now. She’s trying to sort through her feelings towards you – figure out how much of it is a you problem versus a her problem versus a both-of-you problem. She needs some space to do that. And it’s not the only thing she’s working through right now.”

Jon can appreciate that. Honestly, it’s better than he could have hoped for. Last time around, Melanie had eventually softened on him, had even tentatively called him a friend – but at that point, everything in his life felt like too little too late, and she deserved better than to have him poison her life again. He really had only been looking for someone to help him parse Martin’s intentions – Jon has always struggled with anything less than direct, explicit communication – but Georgie was right to be angry with him. Regardless of his intentions, he was inseparable from the Institute; there was no way for him to ask for advice that didn’t involve dragging Melanie back into exactly the kind of toxicity she was trying to escape.

When he left that day, it was with the intention of staying out of both of their lives from then on. They both set a firm boundary, and they deserved to have it respected. But he had plenty of time to brood during the apocalypse, and there were so many things left unsaid between him and Melanie and Georgie. Even if the world hadn’t ended, he probably wouldn’t have approached them again – they seemed happy, and showing up on their doorstep to talk, even if it was just to apologize, would have only been for his own benefit. It wouldn’t have felt right to intrude on them again and open up old wounds just for the sake of securing closure for himself.

Now, though? Truth be told, he could use some space, himself. He’s rehearsed it many times before – all the things he might say to the people in his life, both living and dead, if he had a chance to see them again – but now that he actually has that chance, everything he’s drafted in his head feels inadequate. It may take some time to get his thoughts in order before sitting down and openly discussing his and Melanie’s fraught relationship.

“So… Martin?” Georgie says, snapping Jon out of his thoughts. “Have you seen him yet?”

Jon makes an uncertain tilting motion with his hand, finding no succinct way to explain that yes, he did have a brief encounter with Martin, but it was a one-sided conversation, and Jon expected as much, but it still hurt; and moreover, Martin was invisible when he visited, no doubt intending to just see for himself that Jon was awake, check in on how he was doing without being noticed; and Jon wishes he had been able to do the same, to have some irrefutable physical reassurance that Martin is alive and real and here and now, because it’s been so long, and…

“…he seemed determined to avoid – me,” Jon settles on instead.

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

“I need him to be okay –”

“– the easy, charming man I’d fall in love with.”

“Oh,” Georgie says, sounding stunned. Jon meets her eyes and gives her a quizzical look. “I just – knowing you, I figured you’d still be in denial about how infatuated you are? Or, at best, you’d grudgingly admit you maybe, possibly had a little crush? I was not expecting a declaration of love.”

“Everything about being with him felt so natural that when he told me he loved me, it only came as a surprise to realize that we hadn’t said it already –”

“– and together it seemed like we would get past our pain.”

“Holy shit,” Georgie murmurs. “You’re absolutely besotted. I mean, I knew you were, you talked about him all the time and you’re not as subtle as you think you are – but actually acknowledging it?”

“…honestly it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand,” Jon replies, not bothering to hide his small smile.

“Wow. You’ve… changed more than I thought.” Georgie mirrors his expression, but then she falters, chewing the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Can I ask how it – if it…” Jon’s smile fades too, but he makes a beckoning gesture: It’s okay; go on. “Regardless of whether things worked out between you, I… well, I have a hard time thinking you’d come back to this time if it meant leaving him behind in your future?”

Jon looks down at their linked hands, expressionless as he begins to construct a response.

“I’ll skip over the bit where –”

“– taking me in his arms and giving me the last and longest hug I would ever get from him –”

“– he was gone. Just gone. And I was alone again. There was no one I could talk to about it –”

“– I had plenty of time to mourn him –”

“– it took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor, as I slowly dragged myself away from the edge of my lonely grave.”

Georgie gives his hand a reassuring squeeze, which he returns gratefully.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. “For what it’s worth, I… I’m glad you have this second chance. You… are going to tell him how you feel this time as well, right?”

Obviously, he wants to say, but it’s not as simple as he wishes it was. He frowns thoughtfully as he searches for a way to explain the situation.

“…he’s been so lonely –”

“– embraced the loneliness like an old friend –”

“– for a creature of the Lonely, the urge is to isolate, never to communicate or connect –”

“– I wanted to say something reassuring, to reach out and let him know I was still there –”

“But it was like this last time you woke up, too.” She waits for his affirmative before continuing: “So you can do it again.”

“…I managed it eventually, but my inability to speak –”

“– I found him difficult to talk to at length.”

“But,” she persists, “you aren’t going to give up, right?”

“…I knew he would return eventually,” Jon says.

“Good,” Georgie says with a relieved, somewhat exasperated sigh. “I swear to god, if you’d gotten fatalistic right there, I’d have had some words for you.” Jon chuckles. “Seriously, though – you’ll figure this out. You’ve always been stubborn. Every now and then, it’s even an asset.”

“I’m grateful to her, of course.”

“Again, don’t mention it. As long as you keep trying, I’ll support you. I might set limits on how much I’m willing to get involved with the actual supernatural bits – I haven’t decided just yet – but when I need to step back, I’ll tell you. I’m not going to ghost you just because you don’t grovel.”

Jon groans at the pun, which gets a self-satisfied grin out of Georgie.

“Oh, shut up. It was a good one.”

Right, I forgot: comatose people don’t need pens, Jon thinks irritably to himself the next day, turning his office upside down looking for a writing utensil.

He’s so thoroughly preoccupied with rummaging through his desk that he doesn’t notice Basira standing in the doorway until she clears her throat, startling him so badly that he jumps and slams one of his fingers in the drawer. He yelps in pain and pulls his hand back, shaking it out to distract from the throbbing. A moment later, the realization crosses his mind that it’s the same finger he’d tried to cut off the last time he was here.

It’s a coincidence, he tells himself before his mind can wander too far down the rabbit hole. He has enough to worry about without getting caught up in the hypotheticals of time travel and sci-fi tropes about the changeability of the past. Besides, the Coffin hasn't even arrived yet; there are still a few weeks before the original date of his failed self-amputation attempts.

“Sorry,” Basira says, eyebrows raised. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Honestly, I figured you’d just know I was here.” Jon has nothing to say to that. Trying to explain the fine details of Knowing has never been a pleasant experience, and he couldn’t tackle that subject now even if he’d wanted to. “What are you looking for, anyway?”

“…think of me as an idiot who turned up to give a statement without a pen,” Jon says distractedly, opening another drawer and sifting through it. “I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Pens?” Jon nods without looking up. “Yeah, I threw them all out – don’t give me that look, Jon. Half of them didn’t even work, and the others looked like a puppy’s chew toy. Anyway, most of what I threw out in here got touched by the Flesh. You didn’t want any of it back, trust me.” Jon grimaces. “Yeah. Anyway, there are boxes in the supply closet – but I think I can do you one better.”

She tosses something at him. He notices the movement belatedly and just barely manages to catch the thing, nearly dropping it.

“Guess knowing things also doesn’t extend to being able to catch without fumbling,” Basira deadpans.

Jon looks down at the phone in his hands, then back up at Basira.

“Got the Institute to cover it as a work expense. I have no idea where the one you had before the Unknowing ended up; I’m assuming it blew up along with everything else.” Basira leans back against the doorframe. “I’m sure texting will go about as well for you as typing has, but Georgie downloaded a few AAC apps for you to try.”

He gives Basira a tentative smile.

“You’re welcome,” she says with a curt nod. The look she gives him then is curious – almost like she’s still trying to get a read on him, debating how much closeness she can risk. Then her guard goes back up and her tone turns authoritative again. “You can practice with them later. Meeting’s in a half-hour.”

Before Jon can respond, Basira turns and leaves.

It’s uncertain how the Archive will take to this newest workaround, but there’s only one way to find out.

“Here, let me take –”

Jon unceremoniously drops the box of statements down through the trapdoor, where it hits the ground below with a dull thud and a puff of dust.

“…or not,” Georgie finishes.

“Was that really necessary?” Basira calls from the bottom of the ladder.

Completely pointless, Jon thinks to himself a bit giddily, ignoring the stabbing pain in his temples with relish. The Beholding can complain all it wants about him mishandling statements; right now, he’s too tired and too delirious to care.

He’d had plenty of time during the apocalypse to develop methods of coping with the Eye’s intrusiveness. The most emotionally satisfying one he’d happened upon basically amounted to random acts of spite. It had no material effect on anything – aside from triggering varying degrees of headaches, but he already got those anyway. It was no different than a petulant child slamming a bedroom door, but it gave him that fleeting feeling of being in control of something, and it felt good.

“Let me go first,” Georgie says. He gives her a questioning look. “You’re using a cane, Jon. There’s a fifty percent chance you’re going to fall on your ass going down that ladder, and I’d rather keep you out of the hospital for the rest of the year.” Jon averts his eyes and frowns. She must interpret it as reluctance, because she clarifies: “You need a spotter.”

Jon signals agreement and she starts down the ladder ahead of him.

The thing is, he wasn’t trying to contradict her. It’s just… well, he’s still getting used to the idea of being cared for again, especially when it comes to insignificant things. Yes, his leg is acting up today, but it’s not that bad – the cane is just to keep it from getting any worse. And if he did fall, it’s not like it would kill him. It would be inconvenient, unpleasant, and probably embarrassing, but too temporary to really register on his distress scale.

Anyway, he’s grown desensitized to physical pain. Or… no, that’s not quite right. What he’s desensitized to isn’t the pain itself, but the experience of being harmed. He’s come to expect it, and these days only the only permanent injuries he receives are those inflicted by one of the Powers. Everything else heals too quickly and completely to feel consequential. Most things don’t even scar anymore, and those that do – well, what’s one more scar?

He knows it’s not a healthy mindset. Even before the world ended, he’d come to regard his body with a sense of detachment. In retrospect, he should’ve known that his rib wouldn’t work as an anchor. Most days, his body didn’t even feel like it belonged to him. Then, as if to confirm that inkling, Jonah possessed him; the Watcher’s eyes started manifesting on and around him; his presence became synonymous with the Eye to anyone who beheld him. He confirmed on several occasions that he wasn’t able to die. Even the Hunt couldn’t kill him. Jon would end one day, like everything else, but a mundane physical death was beyond him.

He doesn’t Know if that’s still the case now, and he’s too afraid to ask.

So, yes: he’s developed a cavalier attitude towards personal safety. Avoiding minor injuries feels almost on the same level as what temperature the water is before he steps into the shower: relevant in terms of his own comfort, but otherwise unimportant. He’s always spared little thought as to his own comfort, and it’s only gotten worse since becoming the Archivist. And the apocalypse didn’t exactly have much to offer in the way of comfort anyway, especially after…

Jon cringes as he stops to reflect on that train of thought. It took him fewer than thirty seconds to rationalize… well, Martin would have called it self-harm. Or self-sabotage, at the least. Georgie probably would, too, if she could see inside his mind right now. His judgment of what counts as worthy of concern is decidedly skewed, especially to an outside observer. It was easy to justify it to himself when it was just him alone at the end of the world, but employing a mindset forged in hopelessness and tailored to a doomed future is only going to be maladaptive here and now.

He should probably take some time later to unpack all of that. It would be easier if he could write it all out; it’s always difficult to keep track of his own thoughts without a visual aid, but –

“Jon?” Georgie calls up to him. “You can come down now.”

Deal with it later, he tells himself, tossing his cane down for Georgie to catch. As he makes his way down the ladder, his leg does twinge a bit, but it holds his weight well enough, and he reaches the bottom without incident.

“Where’s Melanie?” Basira asks.

“Resting,” Georgie says, handing Jon his cane. “She had a bad morning. I’ll fill her in on everything later.”

“Fine.” Basira nudges the box with her foot. “What’s this then?”

“Statements,” Georgie says. She’d watched Jon throw them haphazardly into the box before coming down here. “Not sure why, though.”

Jon moves the box to one of the chairs that they left in the tunnel last night. It isn’t too heavy – just some pertinent statements and tapes that he thought might make this discussion flow more smoothly. Taking a seat in the next chair over, he removes the lid from the box and begins rummaging.

“Statement of Joshua Gillespie, regarding his time in possession of an apparently empty wooden casket,” Jon says after a moment, holding up a folder labeled CASE #9982211 and containing the respective written statement. One page sticks out crookedly, and Jon’s heart skips a beat when he recognizes Tim’s handwriting. This had been one of his cases to follow up on.

He shakes his head and sets the folder aside, reaching into the box for the corresponding tape. Instead, his fingertips brush against a different loose cassette, and his breath catches in his throat.

“Statement of Detective Alice ‘Daisy’ Tonner,” he says quietly, removing the cassette. “Traffic stop of a delivery van.”

“This is the statement Daisy gave you?” Basira says. “She said you compelled her.”

“I didn’t realize that was what had happened until afterwards,” Jon says softly. He pulls a tape recorder from his pocket and gives Basira a questioning look.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, go ahead.”

Jon inserts the cassette and fast-forwards, stopping when he Knows he’s reached the right timestamp. His own recorded voice begins to play.

“If you don’t mind me asking, h-h-how long have you been sectioned now –”

“I do mind,” comes Daisy’s clipped voice. Then, immediately: “Fourteen years.”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to make a statement?”

“About what?”

“Whatever you like. Fourteen years – you must have seen a number of paranormal things.”

“And you want me to tell you about them.”

“Uh – I-I-I-I-I –”

“Okay,” says Daisy.

“What?”

“Okay. I’ll give you a statement about – how I got my first Section 31.” A beat. “You look surprised.”

“I mean, I was largely asking as a formality. Basira didn’t give me the impression you were the sharing sort.”

“Maybe you caught me in a good mood.”

“Right, well… good. Do you need me to go over our non-disclosure policy –”

“Not as long as you understand my policy: if it gets out, I’ll break every bone in your body.”

“There are worse things that could happen to them,” the Jon on the tape mutters.

Jon hits stop and looks up at Basira. There’s a sheen to her eyes; he does her the courtesy of looking away and not drawing attention to it. After a long few seconds, she clears her throat. When she speaks, her voice is even and impassive.

“So you really didn’t know you were compelling people back then.”

“…he had no idea what was about to happen to him.”

He probably should have noticed sooner, but he was always so fixated on listening to the answer to a question that he paid comparatively little attention to the asking of it. Insensitive of him, really – far too like the detached fascination of the Ceaseless Watcher, in retrospect. The reality that he had the power to compel others didn’t really sink in until after his conversation with Jude.

Jon notices belatedly that the other two are watching him expectantly. He hadn’t planned on playing Daisy’s tape first, but since he already has it prepared to go, he fast-forwards to the beginning of her statement and lets it play through to the end. No one makes any comment in the few seconds it takes for him to swap the cassette out for Joshua Gillespie’s statement.

“So the Coffin makes people want to enter it,” Basira says as the second statement ends. “Is that why you went in, the first time? You were compelled?”

Jon shakes his head no. Daisy had asked him the same question last time. It’s true that the Coffin called to him, but its compulsion never got beneath his skin – not like that of the Beholding or the Web. In the end, going into the Buried was his decision.

“Why, then?”

“…survivor’s guilt,” Jon says. “I should be dead, really – it’s hard to reconcile yourself with avoiding a death that you feel should have been yours.”

There was more to it, though. He takes a minute to rifle through statements, to piece together his state of mind the first time he entered the Buried.

“I felt a great deal of guilt over my involvement with –”

“– the path of the Eye –”

“– when they looked at me, their eyes were full of – anger – blame –”

“– looked at me with a mixture of hate and helpless terror, as though I could do something to fix it –”

“– cut off effectively all human contact –”

“– I decided I had to do something – anything to get out of the fog –”

“– to lose myself in something that is not the absence of humanity –”

“– desperate to remind myself that I could still feel something –”

“– desperate for any human connection.”

He pauses for a breath. Looking back, if Jon hadn’t been so thoroughly claimed by the Beholding already, he may have been a candidate for the Lonely himself back then. Peter Lukas didn’t have to lift a finger.

“I was starting to fear that if I didn’t manage to do something –”

“– I would lose myself – forever –”

“– I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try –”

“– it was – the most human part of it remaining –”

“– to act, to help, to do something –”

“– I need to not lose any more bits of me –”

“– and worst comes to worst –”

“– at least I felt useful.”

Georgie’s eyes are on him now, reading between the lines.

“Did you even have a plan? Or did you just… rush in by yourself, not even tell anyone?” He nods. “Which?” He gives Georgie a pointed look, nodding a second time. “Both? Figures. Don’t know why I bothered asking, really.”

“…but this time was different,” he assures her.

“How did you get out?” Basira asks.

“It took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor.”

“Meaning?”

“…her anchor. The thing weighing her down, tying her to this world,” he tries again.

“Something to ground you,” Georgie says questioningly.

“…to make finding my way back – that much easier.”

“And you can do the same thing this time?” Basira waits for his confirmation before moving on. “What about the delivery itself?”

Jon pulls out another folder and cassette, both labeled CASE #9961505.

“Statement of Alfred Breekon, regarding a new pair of workers at his delivery company.”

“Breekon and Hope?” Basira asks.

Jon nods, inserts the tape, and depresses the play button.

“They’ve been in a few statements, haven’t they?” Basira says afterwards, forehead creased in thought.

As an answer, Jon removes one last cassette from the box before tilting it forward to reveal a handful of case files sliding around at the bottom. All of them contain minor references either to Breekon and Hope or the Coffin, but none of them struck him as significant enough to bother bringing the accompanying tapes.

The remaining cassette in his hand, label reading CASE #0020406, is only relevant for the last minute or so of the recording: Martin’s encounter with Breekon and Hope on the day they delivered the NotThem’s table and the Web’s lighter. Jon pops it into the recorder, fast-forwards to the relevant timestamp, and hits play. Breekon and Hope’s voices echo in the tunnel, finishing each other’s sentences in an uncanny back-and-forth volley.

“Hm.” Basira frowns. “And they just… got into the Archives without anyone seeing them?” Jon nods. “I’m assuming we can expect the same this time?" Another nod, but Jon holds up two fingers, gives Basira a meaningful look, and then puts one down. “Only one of them.”

“Statement of the surviving half of the being calling itself ‘Breekon and Hope,’” Jon says. Then: “When that Hunter killed him – took him from me, made us a me – the casket – was waiting – I fed her to it.”

“Do we have to worry about a fight?”

Jon shakes his head no. “We did not kill them, did not lift a finger. We were bringers of their awful fate, not its executors – and we both tasted it together.” He fast-forwards the statement in his head. “I am without him now – can feel myself fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver. But I am no longer tied to the casket, so you can have it – climb in, and join her.”

“So we just, what, let it deliver the thing and leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed –”

“– fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver.”

“And then you go in.”

Jon nods. There are more details, of course, but the basics of his plan are the same as they were last time: equip himself with Daisy’s tape, follow the pull of her voice, rely on his anchor to find the way back – albeit hopefully with fewer hiccups this time.

Or fewer lost ribs, at least, now that he has a better grasp on anchors.

Several days later, a visitor arrives in the Archives, albeit not the one they’ve been expecting.

Head pillowed in his arms on his desk, dozing and half-conscious, Jon is roused from a shallow sleep by voices in the hallway, filtering through the open crack in the door.

“This area is off-limits,” Basira is saying.

“I’m just looking for the Head Archivist. Jonathan Sims? He still works here, doesn’t he?”

Is that…

“What do you want with Jon?” Georgie’s voice, sounding genuinely curious, but anyone familiar with her would recognize the protective edge to it.

“Look, is he here or isn’t he?”

It is.

Rubbing bleary eyes and shaking off the remaining wisps of brain fog, Jon stands, his joints cracking in protest. He grabs his cane, heads for the door, and peeks out into the hallway.

Naomi Herne is here, standing in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs between the Archives and the rest of the Institute. She looked his way when she heard the creak of the door opening, and their eyes meet for a brief moment before he reflexively averts his gaze.

“Jon?” She sidesteps Basira and Georgie and starts walking towards him.

He digs in his pockets and brings out his phone. So far, the AAC app has turned out to be a decent workaround. Prolonged use will still give him a headache in much the same way that communicating through illustration does, but it’s helpful for making specific requests, asking direct questions, and conveying simple or general concepts. He’ll accept a headache if it means not being forced to use some convoluted metaphor just to say I don’t know or I’m short-circuiting, please give me some space or I’m going to make tea; would you like some?

“YOU ARE – HERE,” comes the computerized voice as he prods at the screen. “WHY.”

For a long moment, Naomi says nothing, staring at the phone in his hand.

“It’s been over a week since I last saw you,” she says slowly. “At first I thought it must be because you woke up – which was a good guess, it seems – but then days went by and no dreams, and… I was worried.” Jon tilts his head, confused. “What’s with that look?”

Jon opens and closes his mouth a few times, debating on whether to reach for a statement. It feels wrong to be dishonest with her, and a hopeful part of him suggests that Naomi wouldn’t react too badly. She’s seen worse from him, and none of that seems to have scared her away, so…

“…I wasn’t worth worrying about.”

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Why are you so stubborn?”

Georgie laughs at that. When Naomi glances in her direction, she starts approaching the two of them, apparently satisfied that Naomi isn’t a threat. Likewise, Basira drifts off down the hall and into the break room. She leaves the door open, though – Jon Knows she still wants to listen in, just in case.

“He’s always been like this,” Georgie says.

“Figures,” Naomi says, then looks back at Jon. “So, why haven’t you been around? Did you find a way to sever the dreams, or…?” Jon shakes his head no. “Then what?”

“It’s not like I sleep enough to worry about dreams,” he says evasively.

Naomi opens her mouth to reply and at that moment Jon’s phone goes off. He nearly drops the thing as he fumbles to dismiss the alarm. Once the noise is silenced, Jon sighs and looks at Georgie.

“You want me to…?” Jon nods, giving her permission to speak on his behalf. “Okay then.”

Georgie looks at Naomi.

“Jonathan” – Jon huffs at the use of his full name – “has been depriving himself of sleep. But no matter how stubborn he is, he’s still human.” Georgie gives him a stern look, daring him to contradict her. He doesn’t; it isn’t worth getting into this discussion, especially in front of Naomi. “Now he’s started nodding off in spite of himself, he’s been forced to admit that he can’t go without sleep forever – but instead of actually sleeping, he’s decided that the best course of action is to just set alarms at forty-five minute intervals, to wake him up before he enters REM sleep. Which means he’s not getting any restful sleep.” She looks at Jon and smiles disarmingly. “Does that about cover it?”

Jon rolls his eyes – she really didn’t need to offer the detail about his new alarm routine – but he nods all the same.

“And why don’t you want to sleep?” Naomi asks.

“The only thing that worried me was sleeping. I think it gave me bad dreams,” he says.

“Not to be rude, but…” Naomi hesitates before blurting out: “Why are you talking like that?”

“He’s been having… some speech difficulties,” Georgie says, glancing at Jon. He makes a circular motion with one hand: It’s fine; go ahead. “Ever since he woke up, he’s only able to speak in quotes from the statements? It’s… challenging, to say the least.”

“Ah,” Naomi says, chipper, “just some new spooky developments, then.”

Out of habit, Jon glares at her for her word choice, but there’s no real ire in it. If anything, it’s a relief to find that Naomi’s attitude toward him seems unchanged despite said new spooky developments.

“But…” Naomi frowns. “You’ve been having these dreams for two years now, and you said you’ve mostly gotten them sorted. So how is sleeping now any different from the last few months?”

“He’s afraid that things will go back to the way they were before.”

“O…kay,” Naomi says slowly, “but you told me that most of the others have already learned to stop the nightmare sequence without you. And everyone knows now that you aren’t as scary as you look – which, by the way, is it weird that by now it's almost more unsettling to see you with only two eyes? Sorry, not the point. The point is, it won’t be the same as it was before.”

Jon stares fixedly at a scratch on the floor. Left over from the Flesh attack, maybe? He could Know, but –

Focus, he tells himself before his thoughts can wander too far afield.

He isn’t sure how to explain that the other dreamers may not be as forgiving or fearless as Naomi is. Even if they were to find it in themselves to overlook a relapse, even if they don’t start viewing him the way they did before… the prospect of having his bodily autonomy stripped from him again is more than enough to fill him with dread.

It feels too much like the way the hunger pulls him inexorably toward a victim. It will probably feel like how it does when the Archive takes control. And it will definitely feel like it did when he was made a conduit for the Watcher’s Crown. Jonah wearing him like a glove. Locking him in place, forcing his eyes open, hijacking his voice. Making him into a possession, only to cast him aside like a broken toy once he had served his purpose.

“– Jon?”

With some effort, he drags himself back to the present.

“Something not moving but that wants to move. Wants to be free –”

“– stopped being able to move under his own power – walk him like a puppet – directed and controlled –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help.”

Hands shaking, he inputs a response on his phone.

“I AM – SCARED.”

“That’s… okay, that sounds properly horrifying,” Naomi admits. “But you don’t know for sure that’s what’ll happen, right?” Grudgingly, Jon shakes his head no. “So you could be fretting over nothing.”

“So far, so normal, right?”

“Smartass,” Naomi says, but with good humor. “Still, you can’t go without sleep forever – you’re going to have to face it eventually. You may as well get it over with sooner rather than later, and then you’ll know for sure. If nothing else, you’ll get some sleep out of it. But,” she says with a longsuffering sigh, “I have a feeling you’re going to keep pushing it, so…” She holds out her hand and crooks her fingers. “Phone. I’m adding my number to your contacts.”

It isn’t until Jon hands it over that he even consciously processes her words.

“Just so you know,” Georgie says, “he can’t really text, either. Unless it’s in statements.”

“That’s fine,” Naomi says, typing rapidly with her thumbs. “You can just reply with emojis or whatever, Jon. Just something to let me know you’re still alive.” She hands the phone back to him. “And this way I can send you pictures of the Duchess.”

Jon perks up at that.

“The Duchess?” Georgie asks.

“Yep. Adopted a cat last week.” Naomi’s smile is wider than Jon has ever seen it. “She’s settling in nicely,” she says to him before looking back to Georgie. “I almost changed her name, but Jon insisted I leave it as is. Said I shouldn’t deprive her of a title she’d rightfully earned.”

Georgie snorts. “He said the same about the Admiral.”

“Oh, you must be Georgie, then? I’ve heard a lot about… uh –”

“Don’t worry; I’m well aware you’ve heard more about the Admiral than me. Pretty sure Jon prefers his company to mine half the time.” She ignores the indignant look Jon shoots her and holds out her phone to Naomi. “Jon was notoriously terrible at answering texts even before all of… this. Feel free to direct any, ‘Is Jonathan Sims still alive?’ queries to me.”

Jon watches in bewilderment as the two of them exchange numbers. Not for the first time, he wonders how this kind of socializing seems to come so naturally to other people.

“I also wouldn’t mind seeing a photo of the Duchess.”

“What about a group text?” Naomi says. “Spooky-free zone, cat-related updates only. Everyone gets their daily dose of cat antics, I get to honestly tell my therapist that I’m not self-isolating, and Jon can just like things to let me know he’s still breathing. Three birds, one stone.”

“Good idea.” Georgie gives Jon an exacting look. “It’ll give you something nice to obsess over. I’ll have to ask Melanie if she wants to be added, too. She could use the distraction.”

Jon can feel a smile tug at his lips as he hurriedly taps out a response.

“YES – PLEASE – THANK YOU.”

Jon and the others try to retreat to the tunnels as often as possible – every other day, if they can manage it – even if there isn’t a pressing matter to discuss. More than anything, it’s a ploy to throw off Jonah. There’s every possibility that he would grow suspicious if the group only held their secretive meetings just prior to major events. Meeting frequently likely won’t alarm him too much, though. Jonah is likely to write off Jon’s furtiveness as paranoia, or simply his near-compulsive tendency to retread the same ground in aimless circles, obsessing over a single question ad infinitum.

Jon isn’t sure whether he Knows this, or if he’s just become uncomfortably familiar with Jonah’s thought processes. Either way, Jon is well aware of what Jonah thinks of him, of how the man can effortlessly dissect and predict Jon’s every outward action and inner experience. If he's honest with himself, Jonah’s scrutiny may terrify him even more than the Ceaseless Watcher’s.

At least the Eye is alien, operating entirely outside the bounds of human morality and emotion. It and all of the other Fears just… are what they are. Predictable, instinctual, amoral – or operating on a sort of blue and orange morality, at least. It brings to mind something Michael said to him, all those years ago: “Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it?”

Someone like Jonah Magnus, though – born human, raised human, spending several lifetimes embedded in human society – can understand his fellow humans much more intimately than any nonhuman Entity ever could, and he uses that understanding to torture his victims, knowing full well how it feels. On the one hand, Jon and all his other pawns throughout the centuries are nothing but means to an end; he cares little for them outside of their usefulness to him. On the other hand, he isn’t fully detached: there’s no denying the sadistic glee he took in gloating as he forced Jon to open the door.

Even in a world devoid of the Dread Powers, monsters would still exist, and a mundane human monstrosity is almost as dreadful as a supernatural one. Daisy derived joy from the Hunt with more complexity than a wolf would. Jon’s own hunts may have felt instinctual, but they also felt morally wrong in a way that tearing the legs off a spider would never feel to a cat – and he did it anyway. Even Gertrude embodied a certain flavor of monstrosity, despite never fully giving in to the temptation of the Beholding. She did not need to embrace any supernatural power; her ruthlessness damned innocent people all the same, as thoroughly as the Desolation and with as much precision as the Web.

Georgie and Martin – and Helen, even – may have a point about humanity and monstrosity not following a strict either/or dichotomy. Whether the Fears were birthed by humanity or preceded it, in the world as-is they would be toothless without human imagination to fuel and interpret and inspire them. The apocalypse demonstrated that fact rather starkly the more and more the human population dwindled.

Jon shakes his head, interrupting that line of thought. There are more important things to worry about right now. Namely: it’s the third of March, and the Institute is expecting a visitor.

Basira is with him in his office; Georgie is off keeping Melanie company, away from Breekon and any possibility of a confrontation. They’d all agreed to this arrangement last night in the tunnels, and since they’ve been having those clandestine meetings so regularly, it should look like a coincidence to Jonah, rather than a prearranged setup.

And Breekon arrives right on schedule, though this time he cannot catch Basira alone. He comes directly to Jon’s office, dragging the Coffin behind him.

“Jon,” Basira says urgently, not taking her eyes off the hulking figure darkening the doorway.

They must tread carefully – not seeming so unconcerned as to let on that they were expecting the delivery, but not overselling the act so much that Jonah would sense something was amiss.

“I wish I could say that was the last I saw of them – but they did return – started to make deliveries – Breekon and Hope.”

“Where’s the other one?” Basira asks.

“That copper took him from me,” Breekon says balefully. He drags the Coffin over the threshold, lets it fall to the ground with a thump, and jerks his head at it. “So I fed her to the pit.”

“Daisy’s in there,” Basira says, bristling.

“That’s its name? Then sure, ‘t’s in there, whatever’s left. Find out if you like.”

“…get out of my office –”

Jon’s voice crackles with static, and Breekon takes one step backward.

“What are you doing? Stop that.”

“Jon,” Basira says warningly.

“– as soon as they’d placed the box on the floor, they turned around and walked out –”

The static continues to rise in volume.

“I said stop it!” Breekon grunts through gritted teeth, even as he turns and steps back over the threshold.

“– the door slammed behind them” – Breekon does indeed reach for the handle and pulls the door shut after him – “and I was left – with this package.”

The static cuts out abruptly, and Jon exhales heavily, winded.

“What the hell was that?” Basira demands, rounding on Jon. “Did you just – compel him to leave?”

“…apparently this was how it was done now,” Jon says quietly. That at least answers the question of whether he can still effectively use that power. He isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Knew you could compel people to answer questions. Didn’t know you could compel actions, too.”

Jon shuts his eyes, still catching his breath. There were limits on his compulsion abilities even during the apocalypse; there are bound to be just as many now, if not more. He doesn’t have the mindset for muddling through a complicated explanation right now, though, so he opts for the AAC app instead.

“LITTLE,” he selects from the screen. It should be enough to get the general point across, at least for now.

“Great. I’ll just put that in the ominous column, shall I?” Basira sighs. “Is it really okay to just… let him leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed,” he says simply.

“If you say so.” She stares intently at the Coffin, arms crossed. “So, what now?”

Without another word, Jon stands and beckons for Basira to follow. As he locks the office door behind them, Basira tells him to go wait for her at the tunnel entrance while she fetches Melanie and Georgie. He nods absentmindedly, but she’s already left without waiting for a response.

The last time, two weeks spanned between the delivery of the Coffin and the day Jon actually opened it. This time, there’s no need to wait. He still has some preparations to make – there’s no need to visit the Boneturner, but Jon does still want to leave some tapes running to serve as physical anchors. He also has to plan for the possibility of something going wrong, even if he is fairly confident in his ability to find his way back again. Mainly, he’d like to leave a letter behind for Martin, though the Archive might make that difficult.

Other than that, it’s just a matter of mentally preparing himself for another trip into the Buried.

Knowing what to expect doesn’t make it any less terrifying, though. If anything, it might make it worse.

End Notes:

Soooo I thought I'd be able to cover more plot in this chapter, but I was too attached to the scene with Naomi to scrap it, and I wanted that conversation between Jon and Georgie to happen pre-Buried. The result is that this chapter feels a bit scattershot. But that means next chapter I can just focus on the Coffin. Thanks for bearing with me! (Hoping to have next chapter ready by this weekend or early next week. Depends on how busy work is.)

For anyone unfamiliar with AAC (augmentative and alternative communication) devices/apps and wondering why it's different from typing/texting for Jon - the app he's using has preloaded phrases and images he can select from, so he doesn't have to type/text character-by-character. It still has drawbacks for him - difficult to use for long periods of time, less likely to work the more specific he tries to be, like with drawing - but at least there's another communication option for him to reach for now.

Citations for Jon's verbal dialogue are as follows, broken down by section. Section 1: None. Section 2: 009; 036; 050/027/008/153/010/015/009/124/056/128; 112; 045/005/112/131; 045; 020/134; 157; 017; 138/130; 059; 029; 101/024; 135; 094; both 028 & 076; 148; 094; 042; 054; 117/013; 013/009; 150; 013/009/013/007/013; 146/092/151/063; 002/050; 009; 062. Section 3: 038. Section 4: 002; 061; 050; 056; 051; 019/138/013/105/113/013/092/122/102; 019/048/011/123/124/014/145/139; 051; 013, 145; 023; 096; 128; 128 (again); 008/128. Section 5: 014; 113; 002; 032/136/015; 025. Section 6: 096; 006; 002; 002 (again); 005; 008.

The taped banter between Daisy and Jon is from MAG 061. The Michael quote is from MAG 101. A few bits of Breekon's dialogue were borrowed from MAG 128.

[naruhearts]

It’s Never Too Late to Start All Over Again

Now that @profoundzine Vol. 1 has been shipped out and released, public restrictions are lifted! I can finally share my published meta piece from the zine (written before S14 ended/14x20 aired. Now preconceived notions of FREE WILL and what constitutes it are being challenged re: TFW + Destiel, but I’ll tackle that next time!! We’re coming FULL CIRCLE here!). 

Accompanying artwork: the lovely @thedogsled who also tirelessly worked with me in editing this meta <3

- - -

Darkness. The phone call.  The glimpse of trench coat. And then there was light.

Cas’ emotive resurrection in 13.05 surprised general audiences, although no one was as shaken as Dean Winchester. The complex journey of these two men is one for the history books. It’s a narrative tango knitting them together like two intrinsic gravitational forces that found their match.

Castiel has come a long way since he first raised the Righteous Man from perdition. His very touch upon Humanity - in the form of the iconic handprint adorning Dean’s left shoulder - had sparked his Fall, and from that point on did Castiel’s self-democracy proliferate in the following ten years. His already humanistic predisposition warred with his sense of duty as the Angel of the Lord, yet Dean remained his one fixture of reason, anchoring him to human nature.

But let’s hit pause first. Rewind the tape to 4.01: Lazarus Rising. The episode title itself conveys the circular metaphor of human life, where Lazarus, the dead man of Biblical antiquity, lives again. Life is made up of flux, not permanence. The natural order of change wholly applies to personal human growth.

Dean’s starting point traces back to May 2, 1983 - the night John Winchester sent Dean on his first mission: take care of Sammy. Their Lawrence house is engulfed by yellow flame, and Mary Winchester burns. Mary’s death created her son Dean’s 14-year bildungsroman rife with many personal obstacles.

Dean then gets older. Embodying John’s ways of the Hunter, he internalizes selflessness, isolation, and wary pessimism against an evil world. Detachment is key. There’s no room for error, intimacy, or vacations on the beach with umbrella drinks and his toes in the sand - the latter a canonically ideal future that Dean let himself envision in 13.18.

Such Hunter ways cost him.

Toxic codependency offsets Dean’s repressive upbringing with Sam as the prioritized source of his personal bonds. Toxic coping mechanisms and emotional misarticulation govern his behaviour. Emotional dysregulation cripples his decision-making.

Dean is alone.

Then, on September 18th, 2008, Castiel meets Dean Winchester for the first time.

It happens fast. Sparks literally fly between the two men, with Dean frozen to the spot in simultaneous surprise and fear. After scathing words of disbelief are thrown in Castiel’s direction, the angel then offers his charge a perception that his charred soul never disclosed to anyone else: Dean doesn’t think he deserves to be saved.

He has been saved. By Castiel. And this is the unexpectedly beautiful outcome of Dean’s first rebirth: Castiel himself becomes the catalytic vehicle for his emancipation. Self-change starts from within, but Castiel lays important groundwork for Dean’s self-change. In other words, while Dean offers him free will, Cas offers Dean a compelling path: freedom to love himself.

During Supernatural’s 4th season run, we enter the newly minted age of Christian mythology. In Lazarus Rising, Castiel turns out to be an enigma of a creature: stoic, exclusively duty-bound, and having and wanting very little to do with human socialization. He’s on Earth for one purpose, and one purpose only: as an Angel of the Lord, Castiel obediently spouts rhetoric about the commands of On High - God’s plan. “Dean Winchester is saved,” announces Castiel, and the iconic phrase, in retrospect, holds no meaningful connotations. It is devoid of personality, with pure utilitarianism painting Dean as the means to an end.

Due to God’s absence, the 4th and 5th seasons show Heaven’s angels creating an authoritarian hierarchy. Dean and Castiel, both seeking their absent fathers, finally seem to be treading common ground with each other. In 4.07 the concept of free will - Humanity’s core strength - is introduced into Castiel’s narrative through Dean himself, where the hammer becomes the consistent metaphor for both Castiel and Dean’s automatic birth into subservience.

CASTIEL: We have no choice.

DEAN: Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you [...], just a couple of hammers?

Dean and Castiel also have their first intimate discussion. The audience observes that Castiel is opening himself up to Dean on the park bench, expressing his own vulnerability as he corrects Dean’s unfavourable impressions of him.

“I am not here to judge you, Dean,” Castiel says. “You misunderstand me [...] I am not like you think [...] I’m not a...hammer, as you say. I have questions. I have doubts.”

x

Castiel gripped duty in his palm. He has been subservient for years. And yet, from the point of first contact with his charge in Lazarus Rising, Season 4 wraps Dean and Castiel’s character arcs together - combines them into an extensive parallel narrative with self-actualization as their endgame.

Dean Humanity Winchester and Castiel then engage in their own scheherazade, each personal chapter shifting indelibly from reluctant allies to tentative acquaintances to fervent friendship to...something else.

Something profound.

Thibaut and Kelly, two prominent sociologists who brought interdependence to the forefront of healthy human relationship behaviour, would be flabbergasted with the potency of it in Dean and Castiel’s increasingly complex relationship.

Interdependence - known as the melting pot of dependence, respect, fairness, reciprocity, commitment, attraction, and satisfaction - unfurls between Dean and Castiel over ten years as the product of their personal development. Through trial and error, they decide that interdependence is achievable.

Their relationship has value.

And we observe how much Dean and Castiel value their deep friendship (heavily romance-coded relationship) numerous times. The classic mixtape of 12.19 is an illuminating example speaking to Dean’s perception of his relationship with Castiel. Audiences realize that mixtape gifting - long regarded as a conventionally romantic gesture - occurs between them offscreen, silently yet significantly indicating their closeness, and Dean rebuffs Castiel’s attempt to return it.

CASTIEL: Sorry Dean. I just wanted to return this.

DEAN: It’s a gift. You keep those.

The mixtape ‘Dean’s Top 13 Led Zepp Tra xx’ holds a major position in Dean and Castiel’s romantic narrative. Paralleling immortal elf Arwen gifting her necklace to human heir Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings when she tells him to keep it, the romantic symbolism of Dean’s mixtape is a testament to the interdependence surrounding Dean and Castiel, where Dean strips himself emotionally - shares the personal facets of himself - through music, Supernatural’s consistent medium for feelings and desires. Led Zeppelin, comprising the original soundtrack of Mary and John Winchester’s love story, forges an intergenerational romantic connection to their eldest son’s own life with the mixtape’s existence.

Now, Castiel coming back from the dead in Season 13 was nothing short of miraculous. His phone call to Dean harked back to Dean’s 4.01 resurrection in that after calling Bobby, returning to his family was tantamount. Yet Castiel’s own phone call is tinged with intimate quietness: the show does not expose what Castiel says to Dean. Privacy shields their conversation.

13.05 further transfixes audiences, because the narrative flow from Dean’s nihilistic grief pre-resurrection to optimism post-resurrection is blatant and deliberate. An emotional narrative rollercoaster, Dean’s internal state performs a rapid 180 over the course of the episode. The show takes much care in distinguishing the intense magnitude of grief between Dean and his younger brother Sam, where Sam’s positive functionality keeps up in the face of their recent personal losses (Castiel and Mary). Dean, however, internalizes these losses as extreme failures. Sam’s intentions to pull Dean out of self-destructiveness involve Dean’s usual performative coping mechanisms: ‘booze, bullets, and bacon’, but they are super unsuccessful this time around. Dean is not fine, and he subsequently backslides; his grieving psyche quickly spirals into depressive nihilism. Sam’s presence is no longer enough to stabilize Dean, and 13.05 contrasts him to Castiel, who is narratively defined as Dean’s anchor - his singular fixture of faith.

SAM: So now, you don’t believe anymore.

DEAN: I just need a win. I just need a damn win.

Sam and Dean are both affected by Castiel’s death, yet Season 13 minutely focuses on the narrative fact that one of these things is not like the other.

Love and...Love.

Indeed, Castiel is later framed as restoring light to Dean’s life; the visual narrative of bright lampposts permeating the dark of night - alongside the blue cross of faith - establishes the episode’s romantic context. The rich, tangible ambience of close-up camera shots between Dean and Cas, soft awash colours, and Steppenwolf’s It’s Never Too Late purposely evokes intimacy when the Destiel reunion finally takes place.

In 13.05 the show also reiterates the role of music in storytelling.

Tell me who's to say after all is done And you're finally gone, you won't be back again You can find a way to change today You don't have to wait 'til then It's never too late to start all over again To love the people you caused the pain And help them learn your name It's never too late to start all over again

Steppenwolf croons their relationship’s truth as Dean steps out of the Impala and locks eyes with Castiel at the telephone booth, no longer dead but alive.

Dean’s win.

The reunion is also both Dean and Castiel’s personal rebirth, where they are given the chance to push the boundaries of friendship - to enter an interpersonal relationship that features honesty and communication (represented by the telephone booth). 13.05 conveys their narrative aim to rectify the mistakes of their past. As Steppenwolf puts it simply, it’s time to love those they caused pain to. Know one another better. Practice interdependence.

Castiel later exchanges hugs with Sam in 13.06, which carries over the narrative interplay of familial versus romantic-coded interaction from 13.05. “I don’t know what to say”, Sam says. Dean, considerably more dumbstruck, states: “I do”, evoking wedding vows in that marriage is traditionally the lovers’ new beginning.

“Welcome home, pal”, Dean then murmurs, his wondrous green eyes wide. And he wraps Castiel in a crushing hug.

Dean is Castiel’s home.

Today, they are poised to navigate the waters of personal development in Season 14 by changing their internal dialogue. You know how the saying goes - you can’t freely love another person nor engage in a proper intimate relationship without loving yourself first. In Supernatural, Dean and Castiel are each other’s anchor for finding self-acceptance.

And like Lazarus, they are repeatedly reborn into the circular orbit of love.

[humanityfalls]

Essence Leigh-Anne Delacroix

Name: Essence Leigh-Anne Delacroix Nickname: Essie Age: Twenty-Eight Sexuality: Bisexual DOB: October 4, 1991 Star Sign: Sagittarius Rising | Libra Sun | Virgo Moon (Birth Chart)  Birthplace: Oakland, California Race: Jamaican & Barbadian

History: Born in Oakland, Essence grew up, the eldest of four kids. Her father worked at Berkeley Forge Steel Mill while her mom worked as a Registered Nurse at UCSF Benioff Children's Hospital. Being the eldest child, Essence was relied on heavily while her parents were hard at work. She and her siblings grew up together and got along as much as siblings could with no real riff between them. While in high school, she dated a boy she loved dearly, however, the relationship didn’t last long once his parents passed. 

The breakup devastated her but she tried to move on. She moved to Hawaii a couple of years after graduation and even sparked somewhat of a flame with her best friend Jade. The two had feelings for one another but Essence struggled with coming to grips with her sexuality. After a few affairs, she decided she didn’t want to pursue things for fear of damaging their friendship.

This ultimately put a strain on their relationship but they weathered the storm and remained close. While in Hawaii, Essence reconnected with her ex. The two rekindled their flame and dated for approximately two years. It was then that it was revealed that her ex cheated on her with his then best friend and came out as Bisexual as well.

Essence was devastated, mainly because they had a close knit of friends and once the truth came out, their friendships were destroyed. Simultaneously, she found out that her best friend Jade had an affair with her closest cousin which was another hard hit since it was done out of spite (in Essie’s mind at least). Emotions ran high and nothing was handled correctly and as a result, Essence withdrew from the group, only remaining in contact with her cousin and her best friend, Jesy.

Most of her twenties were spent recovering from the trauma the betrayal left on her. She developed an insecurity from having been dumped by the same person twice as well as trust issues from the betrayal of two people she once called a friend. The damage still weighs on her from time to time and while she is better than she was in the earlier part of her twenties, she still has a long way to go in terms of trusting others again.

After her breakup, she went through a period of self destruction and isolation in order to cope with the pain and the loss and on a snap decision, she decided to move back to Hawaii, literally leaving everything behind. She moved back home and saved enough money as a barista to put herself through hair school and quite recently, opened her salon titled Essalon. She is in a bit of a dark period now though, having to shut down within a year of opening due to Covid-19. Currently, she is self isolating with her baby kitten, FlapJack and praying that life is kind to her once this is all over.

[thecomicsnexus]

Phantom Zone: The Final Chapter

DC COMICS PRESENTS #97 (FINAL ISSUE) SEPTEMBER 1986 BY STEVE GERBER, RICK VEITCH, BOB SMITH AND GENE D’ANGELO

SYNOPSIS (FROM COMIC VINE)

With the imminent destruction of Krypton looming, Jor-El desperately seeks a safe haven for Krypton's populace. Jor-El's research into parallel dimensions leads him to discover the Phantom Zone. Jor-El projects himself into the Phantom Zone, finding it to be a horribly oppressive environment. In his haste, Jor-El failed to connect the projector properly and finds that, to his horror, he is trapped within the Phantom Zone. Jor-El's wife, Lara Lor-Van, intuitively sensing his distress, makes the necessary connections to the projector, and pulls her husband from the Phantom Zone. Lor-Van is outraged that her husband would take such risks. Though the Phantom Zone proves not to be Krypton's salvation, it ultimately serves Krypton as a prison for the most heinous of criminals. Men like Jax-Ur, who's unauthorized rocket experiments resulted in the destruction of Krypton's moon, Wegthor, along with it's entire populace. Va-Kox, who mutated Krypton's fish into horrific monsters. Dr. Xadu, for his nightmarish experiments on Kryptonian citizens. Faora Hu-El, for the brutal murder of 23 men. Nam-Ek, for killing the Rondor, a protected species on Krypton. The most infamous of all, though, was General Zod, a military leader-turned-dictator, who raised an army of inorganic "men" to seize power, at Fort Rozz. Jor-El personally sentenced his cousin, Kru-El, to the Phantom Zone. Kru-El had built a cache of forbidden weapons, but it was the shame he brought to the House of El that earned Jor-El's ire. The Phantom Zone, though, was not just a depository for Krypton's most wanted. In truth, the Phantom Zone was the manifested collective consciousness of two entire civilizations, both of which died violently when their worlds collided. On some level, that consciousness was aware of the Kryptonian's intrusion into it's being.

Led by General Zod, several of the Phantom Zone inmates attempt to telepathically influence Jor-El into releasing them, at a time when Jor-El is mentally weak. His wife prevents him from activating the Phantom Zone Projector. To prevent further such escape attempts, the Phantom Zone Projector, along with all of Kru-El's weapons, are rocketed into deep space. In the Valley of Juru, the wizard, Thul-Kar, finds that he has arrived too late to join his order in ritual suicide. To preserve his life, and escape the destruction of Krypton, Thul-Kar mystically transports himself into the Phantom Zone. In the final moments before Krypton's destruction, Jor-El launches his only son, Kal-El, in a rocket aimed for Earth. Thul-Kar's sorcerous abilities allow him to make direct contact with the consciousness of the Phantom Zone, called "Aethyr". Thul-Kar creates a fetish of the Bizarro World, which Aethyr seems to inhabit. At that moment, the true Bizarro-World implodes, collapsing into a white hole. As the Bizarro World fetish crumbles in Thul-Kar's hands, Aethyr seems to have undergone a change. The Phantom Zone consciousness is suddenly desperately in need of moving it's essence into the physical world. On the fifth dimensional world of Zrff, Mister Mxyzptlk is sentenced to a null zone, for the crime of bigamy. Thul-Kar reaches out to Mister Mxyzptlk, in the Null Zone, offering him freedom and revenge on his enemies, in exchange, momentarily, for control of his mind and powers. Mister Mxyzptlk agrees. Thul-Kar forges a link between the Aethyr and Mister Mxyzptlk, giving Mister Mxyzptlk an enormous boost in power. Immediately, the fifth dimensional imp breaks free from the null zone. MIster Mxyzptlk exacts his revenge on his jailers by destroying their city. Lana Lang and Clark Kent are in the middle of a news broadcast, when the severed head of Bizarro crashes down upon the news desk, announcing the presence of Mister Mxyzptlk.

Kent rises to meet the challenge, as Superman. Mister Mxyzptlk draws a city-sized meteor of pure Kryptonite down on Metropolis. Despite the danger, Superman smashes into the meteor, shattering it into millions of pieces. Only when corpses begin falling from the sky does Superman realize that he has just destroyed Argo City. As a debris cloud of Kryptonite settles over Metropolis, Superman collapses. With Mister Mxyzptlk as it's anchor, the Aethry completes it's journey into the material world. The instant it does so, the Phantom Zone ceases to exist. All at once, the worst of Krypton's criminals descend on Earth. Though he has been completely consumed by the essence of the Aethyr, MIster Mxyzptlk's personality is still dominant. In revenge for what Thul-Kar has done to him, Mister Mxyzptlk, acting through the Aethyr, begins to reabsorb the Kryptonian escapees, starting with Thul-Kar and Nam-Ek. Superman awakens on the Moon. With his telescopic vision he sees General Zod, and the rest of the Kryptonian villains, razing Washington D.C. Superman beats General Zod into unconsciousness, before taking on the other escapees. Though he fights valiantly, Superman is eventually overwhelmed by their greater numbers. Faora Hu-El is just about to murder the Man of Steel when Aethyr/Mister Mxyzptlk reabsorbs her into itself. Having attained Godhood, Aethyr/ Mister Mxyzptlk departs Superman's dimension, along with all the newly imprisoned Kryptonian criminals. 

With the destruction of Argo City and Metropolis, Mister Mxyzptlk feels his victory over Superman has been so total, that he need not ever vex the Man of Steel again. Crestfallen at his utter defeat, and grieving the loss of the two cities, Superman is left to cope with the horror of Mister Mxyzptlk's final victory.

REVIEW

Forget about “Whatever Happened to the man of tomorrow?”. This is Earth-1′s final story. And it is as bleak as the dark ages.

But is this story canon? Or was it canon at the time?. It came out at the same time as that other imaginary story, and at the same time, most of the books that would be “rebooted” were publishing stories like this, to put an end to everything that came before.

I would have appreciated an easier to understand ending. I can understand why this story is never mentioned as a “post-crisis” story and Alan Moore’s story is (even though it is imaginary).

It also doesn’t fit with the bronze age. This is a modern age story. If we get too specific, Earth-1 died with the Crisis, and these catastrophic events are obviously not mentioned in Crisis #10 (and we see Earth-1 at its final moments there).

Rick Veitch is not a Superman artist, but I think it was a very good choice for this story.

I give this issue a score of 8

[hamliet]

Harry Potter Reread: Thoughts, Impressions, Lists

Now that I’ve reread all 7 (8) canon Harry Potter works in the past three weeks, I wanna write about them. This isn’t a meta so much as ramblings/musings, and a ranking of the books because I like lists. 

Overall Thoughts:

I usually reread Harry Potter around Christmas (though I skipped it to focus on Tokyo Ghoul last year). Rereading it this year after losing my dad made me view it from a new perspective. I’d heard that Rowling wrote the story after losing her mother, and the themes of how to deal with death were always very apparent, but those themes resonated with me in a new way on this reread. The answers it offers are simply, but not trite, and allow for pain in their comfort. 

It’s a fairytale, really, a simple story with fairly simple characters and an optimistic message about the power of love, growing up/coming of age and coping with loss. Each book, as well as the overall saga, is structured chiastically, which helps to give the story a sense of timelessness (important for fairytales). And we all need fairytales sometimes, or at least I do. It’s not flawless of course; there’s plenty of room for criticism, but it’s a magical, hopeful series for me that, much like most Disney fairytale films, I don’t enjoy turning a super critical eye to (though it’s fine for others to do so).

Thoughts on Individual Books (ranked from favorite to eighth favorite :P):

1) Deathly Hallows

The middle of the book is incredibly meandering (the camping is torture) but the climax is so well done that it’s still my favorite. I love Neville’s growth, the reveal that Snape loved Lily, and the complex take on Dumbledore as a mentor. The encounter in the forest with the Resurrection Stone was really moving for me this time (more so than in past years). It also works as a conclusion for the story as a whole, that Lily’s magic protection, forged in love, which stated the whole story, is the same protection that Harry uses to save everyone at Hogwarts by sacrificing himself for them, and of course, it’s the fact that his own blood is used to raise Voldemort back to life in book 4 (the middle of the series) that enables him to survive as well. I just really like chiastic structures.

2) Order of the Phoenix

I think it’s the most complex book, perhaps bordering on overly so, but Harry’s trauma after Cedric’s death is well handled (him being an angry brat makes total sense), as is the very accurate portrayal of adolescent crushes. The establishing of Snape and Sirius as parallels works really well (and as it’s chiastic parallel is book 3, it’s fitting those books focus on Sirius and Snape the most). Umbridge is an excellently written villain whom I despise and reading her chapters is painful because of just how. Well done. She is. Sirius’s death breaks my heart, and Luna’s lines about how the dead are hovering just out of sight also profoundly impacted me. 

3) Half-Blood Prince

The book itself is good but less dramatic than OOTP, but the climax is so well done that it makes up for the earlier weaknesses. Draco is given complexity he was sorely lacking earlier, and Dumbledore’s death is such an important turning point. It’s where Harry finally starts making decisions for himself, the point of no return in a coming of age story 

4) Prisoner of Azkaban

The one story where I can tolerate time-travel. (I HATE IT AS A TROPE.) But it really is a fun, powerful story, with Voldemort not actually showing up because he doesn’t need to. Voldemort is a part of Harry (literally as we find out in book 7) and him conquering his anger for the sake of finding the truth and finding love as a result of that (with Sirius as his godfather) parallels Harry letting go of his rage in book 5 and turning to Dumbledore as his last mentor figure. Also? Lupin is a great person and one of my favorite characters; a great teacher. 

5) Goblet of Fire

The early book is great, but the climax is again the best part of the book (as it probably should be in fairy tales especially). The scene in the graveyard, the cruelty of Cedric’s death, and the reemergence of Frank, Harry’s parents, and Cedric from Voldemort’s wand at the end is beautiful. The early book follows the formula of the first three books, but the climax is where the story takes a dive into a darker tone that remains for the next three books. It’s well-structured. 

6) Chamber of Secrets

Historically this has always been my least favorite (although I love it), but I actually resonated with Fawkes’s appearance in the climax for than normal. Dumbledore isn’t dead, but he’s gone from the school (hence why Dumbledore dies in book 6, its parallel book), and Fawkes’s appearance offers the hope that Harry will need not just in book 2, but in book 6 and 7 (where it becomes more complex, admittedly): that even though someone isn’t there, if you love them and are loyal to them, they are not really gone. It’s a powerful symbolic way of writing grief, and embodies the themes of the story as a whole.

7) Philosopher’s Stone

The only book in which worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts. Kidding, but the worldbuilding is really lovely and fun, whimsical and relatable. It’s funny that love in Harry becomes something that he uses, without understanding how exactly, to save himself against Quirrel/Voldemort, and in book 7, it’ll be love that he uses to save everyone else. The tone is really fun throughout the book, but it still offers a beautiful message on grief with the Mirror of Erised towards the middle of the book, and the end again implies the opposite of the beginning: Harry’s parents are dead, yes, but they are not gone, because their love lingers.

8) Cursed Child

I don’t realllly think anyone has to consider this one canon, since it doesn’t offer (much) new, but I’m one of the few people I know who really like it, so I reread it and am including it as a result. It’s got weaknesses: the plot is frankly, stupid, time travel is my old enemy, and Voldemort having a child is... not brilliant at all. But it serves its purpose: it advertises the main series, hence why they wanted to include fan-favorite (dead) characters. I consider it kind of like... Phantom Rouge the movie for Hunter x Hunter: it doesn’t add much, but it gets the themes and characters right. And its themes and characters are its strengths. But I wouldn’t say it doesn’t add anything at all: Scorpius is a great new character, and Harry himself has a resonant arc (Harry has a habit of saying things that would be better not said even in the older books, him snapping with Albus really isn’t out of character). It also offers Draco a fitting resolution to his arc, which was something that bothered me in book 7 (his arc is left slightly incomplete). 

Anyways if anyone knows of good fanfics that are Scorpius/Rose that also focus on Draco and Scorpius’s parental relationship, please give me a recommendation. :’’’) 

[hcro]

lily luna potter ;; biosheet

❝ and i will STAY UP through the night. and let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes. and i KNOW that i can survive. i’ll walk through fire to save my life. and i want it, i want my LIFE so bad. i’m doing everything i can. then another one bites the dust. it’s hard to lose a chosen one. you did not break me. i’m still fighting for p e a c e. well, i’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade - it might be too sharp. i’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard. yeah, i may snap and i move fast but you won’t see me fall apart ‘cause i’ve got an ELASTIC HEART. ❞

basics

name

lily { lil ◦ ee } :  the name lily is of old english origins, it was taken from the name of the plant having delicate, trumpet-shaped flowers regarded as a symbol of purity and perfection. the word is derived from the middle english lilie, which is from the old english and latin lilium (lily). alternatively, lily is used as a pet form of both lilian (lily) and lilith (of the night).

“people with this name have a deep inner desire to serve humanity and to give to others by sharing money, knowledge and experience, or creative and artistic ability. people with this name tend to be a powerful force to all whose lives they touch. they are capable, charismatic leaders who often undertake large endeavors with great success. they value truth, justice, and discipline, and may be quick-tempered with those who do not. if they fail to develop their potential, they may become impractical and rigid.” [ x ]

luna { loon ◦ a } : the name is directly derived from the latin luna (the moon), she was the roman mythological goddess of the moon and is equated with the greek selene. luna can be used as an astrological name for those born under the sign of cancer, which is ruled by the moon.

“people with this name have a deep inner desire for order and physical creativity, and want to be involved in conventional, safe activities. people with this name tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. they are drawn to the arts, and often enjoy life immensely. they are often the center of attention, and enjoy careers that put them in the limelight. they tend to become involved in many different activities, and are sometimes reckless with both their energies and with money.” [ x ]

potter { pot ◦ ter } : the surname potter is an occupational name for a maker of drinking and storage vessels, from an agent derivative of middle english, middle low german pot. in the middle ages the term covered workers in metal as well as earthenware and clay.

—

they named you lily luna potter.

lily was after a girl with hair redder than dragon fire, just like you. your grandmother was not only an extraordinary witch but a beacon of light. lily evans-potter represented the faith that unselfish love could defeat the greatest of evils: death. she had stood for kindness, for strength, for wit, and most of all, for courage ― the fortitude to stand up to enemies and friends alike, to forge one’s own path. the right path. 

but for all of her virtue, there was a certain duality to her, and the same double-edged sword cuts through your heart. you might have her capacity for love, but you also have her overwhelming fury and ferocity. it rages within you like a unstoppable forest fire, burning so bright that anything in the vicinity will be consumed in the flames – including you. sometimes you wish you could tear your bounding heart from your body, just so you could stop this unrelenting aching in your chest, once and for all. you don’t know how to handle your passion, your spark, and you almost feel ruination is all you know. and then a thought presses at your mind, so petrifying it makes your blood runs cold: you could destroy yourself one day. the brightest flames burn out the quickest.

luna was for a woman who carries a different sort of grit than your grandma did: the boldness to always be herself without remorse, without apologies. sometimes you wonder if your godmother ever tried to change. did she ever listen when the world told her what she ought to be? since the day you were born, humanity expected nothing less than greatness from you, and you don’t remember who exactly you were before they molded you into something else. you taught yourself to be fearless and brazen and strong. but even now that you’re following in your parents’ footsteps, you’re still not enough for yourself. slowly, you’re learning not to feel shame and regret when you look into the mirror, but you find the strength to steel yourself somehow, just as luna did. in front of the flashing cameras, you paste the roguish of smiles on your face, never letting them see the cracks in your armor. people are bound to talk. you’ll give them something to talk about.

and much like your namesake luna, you treasure your friends and family with all that you have too. it was always instilled in you that nothing mattered more than your loved ones, and you took that lesson to heart, sharing with them a softness that most people have never witnessed from you. they see the girl behind the facades you wear – the bounding heart you’ve learned to keep hidden away, lest the world finally manages to break it for good.

and everyone knows what potter means. whenever you walk by, people whisper. they point. you hail from the most famous wizarding family there is, and you wear your surname like a badge of honor. you are proud to be a potter and a weasley. the accomplishments your family has amounted are extraordinary. but that’s just it, isn’t it? all your life, you’ve chased glory and praise, but when your father is the wizarding world’s savior, it is impossible to measure up to the world’s expectations of you. you’re not enough, never enough.

you take pride in your name. but you are a walking memorial of a girl, named after a martyr and a maverick. you are never only yourself; you are the names of all that came before you.

and you’ll be in their shadow for the rest of your life.

birthday

august 13, 2008

“august 13 birthday - the horoscope of the sharpshooter

your greatest challenge is: coping with your anger and impatience

the way forward is: to step outside yourself when your emotions reach boiling point. this will remind you that you alone are in charge of your feelings.

people born on august 13 zodiac are no strangers to conflict and controversy. they are sharpshooters who always aim true, and their urge to break with convention compels them to take on challenges or make waves, whatever situation they are in.

the unconventional vision, resilience and tenacity of purpose that are key characteristics of these people can earn both the admiration and the disapproval of others. this is because despite the wounding criticism of those who regard their rebellious notions as ridiculous or fanciful, they always remain faithful to their beliefs. if life doesn’t go their way, they refuse to be crushed by disappointment. and as their unusual imagination is supported by solid analytical skills, more often than not those who start out disagreeing with or disapproving of them will end up admiring their bravery, even if not agreeing with their standpoint.

as risk takers, they have all the courage, discipline and energy to attract success; what they sometimes lack is perfect timing. they need to learn when to cut their losses and move on, when to be patient, and when to pounce.

dynamic and sociable, people born on august 13 zodiac often have a wide circle of friends, and their deeply felt passions and zest for life are incredibly attractive to romantic partners. however, deep insecurities underneath the bravado may block their dreams of intimacy and true love.

on the dark size: brash, insensitive, unrealistic

at your best: ambitious, resilient, courageous” [ x ]

lily came into this world only two days after her mum’s birthday, predestining her to a lifetime of comparisons to ginny. like her mother before her, she was the youngest and only girl, born at the height of summer, with hair as red as hellfire and dark, dark eyes. but anyone who’s truly paying attention could deduce the truth: there is so much harry within lily, far more than there is ginny. it’s uncanny.

because of the proximity of the dates, she’s never had a celebration to herself, and for a girl with two borrowed names, she finds herself craving something – anything – to call her own. would there ever come a day where someone would think of her without thinking of her crippling legacy? she loves her ancestry so much that she would never dare think of breaking free, but sometimes she’s not sure if she’s truly her own person or just a crude amalgam of her family.

gender

a cis-woman

sexuality

bisexual demiromantic

somewhere deep down, lily always had an inkling that she was bisexual, but it took several years for her to come to this revelation while she navigated through her internalized fear and doubt. it certainly wasn’t her family that instilled this as they had always been so accepting and supportive, but society had ingrained compulsory heterosexuality into her, making it difficult for her to find validity in her feelings for girls. she’s still not publicly out, as she isn’t ready to face the vitriol of the media, but her close friends and family all know.

much like her mother in her youth, lily has never dated anyone for long. see, while she often experiences sexual attraction, lily hasn’t quite felt a romantic attraction to anyone in years. there have been inklings of feelings here and there, yes, but never anything truly substantial. lily worries she might never fall in love again, a thought that terrifies her. but what terrifies her even more is falling in love. she’s a contradiction in that regard–she longs for intimacy but she’s afraid to be vulnerable. a highly distrustful and guarded person, she isn’t used to letting her guard down. to lily, that’s how you get hurt.

because she’s demiromantic (although she hasn’t realized it yet), lily needs to feel a romantic attraction, there needs to be an established emotional connection, a kinship. she will never have instant romantic feelings for someone. it takes time for lily to love you–and even more time for her to accept it. falling in love, after all, is opening yourself up to someone who might not feel the same. falling in love means making sacrifices for someone who might betray you. falling in love makes you weak and takes away your control, and that is what scares lily more than almost anything. so it takes a lot of trust for her to willingly admit she’s fallen in love, trust that is very hard for someone to earn.

when lily does love though, she loves recklessly. lily is always consumed by her emotions, and love is far from the exception. for those that she loves, she would eternally condemn herself to the depths of hell without a second of thought. she will bleed and ache and suffer without complaint to protect them. she’ll even kill.

blood status

halfblood

hogwarts house

gryffindor

there was never a doubt in her mind where she would be sorted until she let the sorting hat fall over her eyes. she expected to hear him bellow “gryffindor!” in a matter of seconds, but the hat took his sweet time, telling her that she could find a home with the snakes, if she wished to forge a separate path for herself.

not slytherin, she nearly cried out, clenching the edges of the stool so tightly that her nails sunk into the wood. clearing her throat, she whispered to the hat in a voice so imperious it could order kings to bow, “i will accept nothing less than gryffindor. that is where you will place me.”

the hat considered, lily’s heart pounding so fast it threatened to burst from her chest. “ordering around an all-knowing hat is definitely bold of you, if not incredibly foolish. have it your way then – it’ll have to be gryffindor!”

[ on pottermore, lily has been sorted into slytherin and gryffindor about an equal amount of times. at first glance, lily comes off as the quintessential gryffindor. however, much like her father, lily is someone who could have gone a different path into the snake pit, but ultimately, that was not what she wanted for herself. she exhibits the slytherin qualities of determination, resourcefulness, guile, and ambition, but she doesn’t value them nearly as much as she lauds her bravery, chivalry, and righteousness. and in fact, she scorns slytherin’s tendency towards self preservation. furthermore, lily’s black-and-white views of morality is just so very gryffindor at its heart – her quench for retribution is downright bloodthirsty and ruthless, but in her mind, it’s justice. she is perhaps the darkest and most dangerous sort of gryffindor – the way she sees the world is so skewed, but she views herself as right. whether she is a hero, villain, or something in between is up for debate; wickedness isn’t inherently a slytherin trait, just as goodness isn’t inherently a gryffindor trait. but she’s a gryffindor through and through.

i do think that she possesses many of the traits that salazar slytherin admires in a person though, as much as she tries to deny it. lily doesn’t hate all slytherins, but she remains prejudiced towards the house as a whole. it’s hypocritical and paranoid, really. for a girl so against bigotry, she treats a great deal of slytherins with disdain, perhaps loathing many of them more than they loathe her. the worst part is, she does see parts of herself in every slytherin, and it disgusts her. ]

religion

agnostic christian

religion was never an integral part of the potter household. her memories of attending sunday morning church are few and far between, but lily still identifies as christian, celebrating christmas and easter at the burrow every year. and there is no time better than christmas time in lily’s book. she loves sitting by the crackling fire with a cup of hot cocoa—topped with whipped cream and tiny marshmallows of course. she loves the smell of the fresh pine trees. she loves decorating the house with ornaments and lights and garlands. and if she’s in a particularly good mood, she’ll even attempt to help with the cooking and the baking. (but in all honesty, if she can make it five minutes without destroying the kitchen, that’s a christmas miracle in itself.)

nationality

english

student functions

dueling club captain, gryffindor chaser, s.p.e.w. club member, debate club member

dueling club captain

it might come as a shock that the daughter of two renowned quidditch players would rather be president of the dueling club than the gryffindor quidditch team, but lily’s never had her sights set on pursuing quidditch as a profession. she’s always dreamed of following in her father’s footsteps and joining the auror ranks, so dueling club was the natural first step to honing her combat skills. she’s been a member since the start of her hogwarts career, but it was only this year that she was finally granted that elusive captaincy.

with the sheer strength behind her spellwork and her stellar instincts in a scrimmage, she’s considered to be a dueling prodigy of sorts and has amassed a number of trophies over the years. her marks in defense against the dark arts and charms are unparalleled among her peers because she works so immensely hard to eclipse everyone else – she hopes that some glowing recommendations will prove to them (and herself) that she has earned her spot with the aurors. it won’t be handed to her because of her family name and influence but through painstakingly hard work.

but dueling club isn’t simply a means to an end to lily. there is nothing she covets more than the glorious burn in her muscles in a seething fight – the adrenaline rush when she’s high on a win. she relishes in the pain because it’s a reminder that she’s still alive, that the ice hasn’t completely turned her numb. lily always needs to be moving or else she’ll remember everything she’s trying so hard to forget.

the staff must think of her father and dumbledore’s army when they survey her demonstrations, but little do they know she and the rest of the club have tampered with the dark arts. “is it better to outmonster the monster or to be quietly devoured?” lily doesn’t know the answer, but she thinks of her father’s cold, cold body and the spell that stole his life. she’ll only call upon such terrible magic in the direst of circumstances, but it’s best that she’s aware of exactly what she’s fighting against as far as she’s concerned.

gryffindor chaser

quidditch might be less of a priority to lily than dueling club, but she still cherishes the sport more than she could ever express aloud. she loves the smooth handle of her prized broom, given to her by her dad on her eleventh birthday, engraved with her initials. she relishes in the freedom of the rushing wind against her skin, how alive she feels when she flies. (it’s hard to feel alive these days.) quidditch is her chance to escape herself, to be unfettered from all the thoughts swirling around in her head.

when she learned how to play, she took to the quaffle, not the snitch. lily can never see herself choosing to wait when she can still move – racing around the pitch and scoring goal after goal is better than squinting in the wind, praying for something to happen. there’s nothing like the excitement of the match to get her blood rushing. she knows that when they cheer for her, it’s not because of who she is but because of the points she just scored. there’s no better feeling than that.

she’s thought about quitting – who could think of quidditch in a time like this? but it was her father who taught her how to soar through the sky, and now that he’s gone, she can’t bear to sever that connection to him. so for once, she’ll let herself be selfish.

physical appearance

hair

red. the same red as her mother’s hair, although ginny’s has slightly faded overtime with age. lily’s has natural loose waves, but she has been known to straighten or curl it from time to time. it depends on her whims that day, really. save for one disastrous haircut when she was nine though, her hair has never been short. it’s almost impossible to style short hair after all, and lily adores playing around with different styles. her hair is most often–and unsurprisingly–the first thing people notice about her. it’s hard to miss hair that red in a crowd.

eyes

brown and almond-shaped like her mother. lily breathes passion and emotion, so it’s no surprise that despite her best efforts to conceal her emotions, her eyes are often the window to her soul; they’re so very expressive. lily will make deliberate eye contact almost always–even when lying–except in moments where she’s feeling particularly vulnerable. that is when she will look away. but the expression she makes most often? eye rolls. she’s perfected them over the years.

height

5’0. she’s fairly sure she’s already done growing; she’s about as tall as her mum who stopped growing around sixteen. lily isn’t insecure about her height, but she loathes being underestimated for it. she refuses to allow herself to be disregarded and thought of as a little girl merely because she’s small–as her uncle says, “size is no guarantee of power,” and lily is the utter proof of that.

weight

98 lbs

body type

short and petite

voice

energetic and loud—if one wishes to be heard in the weasley family, loudness is a necessity. and if she’s particularly upset, it’s not uncommon for lily’s voice to turn shrill, high pitched, and piercing. lily also tends to speak in exaggerated tones with a great deal of emphasis placed on her words, and she’s no stranger to swears either, often struggling to tone it down among her superiors. lily’s been told she’s mouthy, and it’s true; she talks a far deal, so much so that it’s hard to get a word in with her around.

gait

lily tends to move swiftly from one place to another, never one to waste time to stop and smell the roses; she has things to do, for merlin’s sake. luckily, she was blessed with grace and coordination unlike some people (hem, hem, teddy), and her posture is decent by all accounts except her aunt fleur’s.

piercings

ears, once on each side.

markings/scars

various scrapes and scars. some of them are from the childhood adventures she used to drag her cousins into; one particular time she attempted to climb the tall oak tree in the burrow’s backyard, which resulted in a concussion, a broken leg, and a large scar on her arm that she covers via magic and makeup. but the vast majority are the product of raging fights and heart-palpitating duels – they are her shining battle scars. she keeps them carefully glamoured to prevent the mirage of her delicacy from shattering, but the truth is, she’s proud of them. they are a symbol of every war she’s won. everything she’s overcome.

personal style

[ tw: sexualization of a minor ]

feminine. lily has always been very comfortable in her femininity, her aunt fleur teaching her from a young age that it’s possible to be both effeminate and strong. she is a strong believer that females should be allowed to dress as they please and not be discriminated against for it, and she loathes it when people write her off as a weak little princess for her fashion choices. lily most often wears blood red lipstick and nail polish–her battle armor in the fight against feminism. most people are surprised to see that a little girl with such “girly” taste has such a mouth on her, but lily potter is no princess in distress. lily potter is the dragon standing guard.

and growing up in the weasley-potter household, she was no stranger to muggle culture, so thus her clothing choices are much more similar to that of a teenage muggle girl than a budding witch. she loves dresses and skirts and blouses and crop tops, and don’t even get her started on stilettos. she has one particular leather jacket though, given to her by her brother victoire, that she actually doesn’t mind wearing—as long as she has her stockings and leather miniskirt on. she’s almost never seen without makeup on–blush, lipstick, and mascara at the very least–and she keeps her nails sharp and painted. lily has actually assisted her uncle with the wonderwitch line at weasley’s wizard wheezes before; she helped george develop a line of long-staying lipstick and nail polish. 

her wardrobe choices are considered promiscuous by the media. her skirts are too short. too much of her cleavage shows in her tops. she exposes her midriff more than she should. but lily doesn’t dress the way that she does to attract people–she dresses the way that she does because she likes it. she won’t stand for accusations of “distracting the males around her.” it isn’t her job to dress more modestly to aid their self control. if a boy touches her without her permission or uses misogynistic slurs towards her, she will destroy them without a single thought.

the media made the mistake of sexualizing her from a young age, calling her all sorts of names like whore and slag. her clothes are a “fuck you” to rita skeeter and the journalists at witch weekly. you want to see a girl gone wild? then that’s what you’ll get, darling. (the anger seethes in her body so long that it rots her bones – one day she’ll come for them all.)

headcanons

fears

losing more family, not living up to expectations, disappointing her family and not living up to the family name, never finding love, opening up to be rejected or betrayed, the thought of being afraid itself, being powerless or limited, not being in control of herself, being perceived as weak, not being able to save the people she cares about, falling in love with the wrong person, the possibility that she’s just as terrible as the people she loathes, not making it as an auror

her fears are most often abstract rather than physical, tangible things. in fact, lily’s boggart manifests into her body on the floor, trapped in a full body bind while helplessly watching a faceless person murder the people she cares about, one by one. the deadliest foes will not make her blink but the very thought of being powerless when she needs her the strength the most? it can be crippling. when she was first faced with her boggart in her third year whilst in dada class, lily froze for several seconds, absolutely paralyzed by the image, a fact she still denies to this day. she is a potter. she is the strong one. she isn’t supposed to know fear. (oh but she does.)

goals

[ tw: parental death ]

ending the war, becoming an auror, living up to her name, freeing herself from her family’s shadow, making the world a better place, finding a way to impose justice on those who’ve wronged her

lily longs to make her family proud of her, but even more so, she wishes to escape their shadow, to be seen as a separate entity. she wants to earn her accomplishments, not be handed them on a silver platter. she wants to make a change, a true difference. it’s idealistic of her, but that’s what she wants. if lily glimpsed into the mirror of erised before her father’s death, she would have seen herself finally free from her father’s shadow, being given the order of merlin first class, her proud family in the background. but now? if she were to look, all she would see is her father, standing right by her side.

amortentia

firewhiskey, petrichor, firewood, hot chocolate, broom polish, old books, roses, treacle tart, strawberries and whipped cream, french vanilla, the sea, chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven, cinnamon, cherries, cloves

patronus

phoenix.

“the phoenix is a difficult patronus to come by, and if you do happen to have it, it signifies a very strong heart. these people have been through a lot in their life, and have risen from the ashes of it and become driven, daring, and a bit stubborn. they will not let anything bring them down, because they’ve been there before and never want to go back to that place. they have fire-like emotions, and can therefore be a bit tense at times. they are natural therapists, wanting to help others get out of tough places to allow them to rise as well. the most common house for a phoenix patronus is gryffindor. the most common signs are leo and taurus.” [ x ]

everything in that description is so lily to me, but because i like to be thorough, i’m going to delve in a little deeper.

the phoenix is a bird with red and gold plumage–the colors of gryffindor. and although lily does have traits from the other houses as well, she is essentially the textbook gryffindor. their scarlet body feathers glow in the darkness, and their gold tail feathers are scorching to the touch, a perfect metaphor for the flames within her.

phoenixes are said to be capable of carrying tremendously large loads, and this also screams lily to me because this is the girl who’s trying to carry the world on her shoulders. she may be failing, but merlin is she trying. and the truth is, lily can withstand a great deal before hitting her limit, her breaking point. just like a phoenix.

phoenixes are symbols of rebirth and healing; they may go up in flames every now and again, but every time, they come back from it. they come back from it just as strong as they were before. this is lily. she is the girl with the elastic heart, the girl who’s overcome so much in her small time on earth thus far. and she will do whatever it takes to heal her loved ones until her last dying breath.

the phoenix song evokes bravery in the hearts of the righteous and strikes terror into the hearts of the wicked – lily is a person who has the capacity to save the planet from the brink of devastation or set it on flames herself. but one thing is for certain: she will change the world.

lastly, the phoenix is of course the symbol of the order of the phoenix. her loyalty to the order’s values and her family is unwavering, and to me, it makes sense that her patronus would also reflect that.

wand

[ tw: parental death ]

12 inches, cypress, dragon heartstring, hard

“cypress - cypress wands are associated with nobility. the great medieval wandmaker, geraint ollivander, wrote that he was always honoured to match a cypress wand, for he knew he was meeting a witch or wizard who would die a heroic death. fortunately, in these less blood-thirsty times, the possessors of cypress wands are rarely called upon to lay down their lives, though doubtless many of them would do so if required. wands of cypress find their soul mates among the brave, the bold and the self-sacrificing: those who are unafraid to confront the shadows in their own and others’ natures.

dragon heartstring - symbolizes power and wisdom. those who are strong, wise, compassionate, dedicated, relentless, resilient, bold, strong-minded, head-strong, powerful, ambitious, highly determined and driven (to obsessive), have strong desire and/or stubborn would have this wand core. having such a wand core suggests that you can be bossy at times, but also have a fiery disposition and have firm convictions, which will lead you down the road to leadership, as well as being devoted and selfless. this is the best core to have for hexes, the dark arts and all manner of elemental magic. it is a core predominantly found among those of house slytherin, but can also bond well with those of house ravenclaw and house gryffindor. as a rule, dragon heartstring cores produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. wands with dragon heartstring cores tend to learn more quickly than other types. in elemental magic, dragon heartstring cores are the most flexible of all the common cores, being that they work well with all manner of elemental spells, but no doubt that fire spells are among the most potent with this core type. while they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. such wands also tend to be easiest to turn to the dark arts, though they will not incline that way of their own accord. such wands are also the most prone to the ‘three cores to accidents’, being somewhat temperamental. dragon heartstring cores are a powerful wand core with a lot of magical “heft”. they are not the wand core you want for subtlety, but for sheer power, they are definitely the best. although they are the most common core among dark wizards and dark witches, they are most certainly not their most common users. dragon heartstring cores are by far the most common wand core amongst slytherins, but their power often bonds well to gryffindors and ravenclaws as well. however, they tend to overwhelm the archetypal hufflepuff personality.

hard - a wand of this flexibility is very difficult to work with and its loyalty is not won easily. hard wands are great for complex and advanced levels of magic, so beginning wizards and witches may find extra difficulty with this wand when it doesn’t perform well for simple magic. as such, this type of wand is best suited for wizards and witches who are gifted, stubborn, and never give up. owners of this wand also have a tendency to view things in absolutes; black or white. some people may find them intimidating or difficult to approach.” [ x ]

in classical antiquity, the cypress tree was a symbol of mourning, death, and the underworld, and it remains the most common cemetery tree in europe. her wand wood is not only a metaphor for lily’s name and all that her family has lost but also a poignant symbol of her underlying trauma – the early death of her childhood. the most well-known myth about the cypress tree is the tale of cyparissus and his beloved stag companion, who he accidentally murdered with his hunting javelin. his sorrow was so consuming that he begged to weep forever, transforming into a cypress tee, with the tree’s sap as his tears. as the stag is of course harry’s patronus, it all relates back to her father and her grief over him.

bad habits

becoming so intensely focused that she forgets to eat, over-straining or over-extenuating herself, being quick to anger, drinking too much, reality television, swearing, using romantic relationships and hook-ups as a means to feel better about herself, staying up too late, having too many cups of coffee per day, lying to others (and herself), seeing things too black-and-white, being too loud, over-involving herself into others’ affairs, letting her emotions completely consume her, placing blame where it does not belong (on both herself and others), deflecting with sarcasm

likes

peonies and roses (her favorite flowers, not lilies), pop music (she likes upbeat songs she can dance to -- her favorite artists are lorde, beyonce, rihanna, sia, and marina and the diamonds and she almost exclusively listens to female artists), quidditch (she plays chaser like her mum), reality television (a guilty pleasure), the sea (when she’s around water, she feels at peace for once for it soothes the flames burning within her), coffee, hot chocolate (it reminds her of christmas, her favorite time of the year), the color red, muggle literature, family, romance movies (another guilty pleasure though she’ll never admit it), french food, dueling, honeydukes chocolate, treacle tart (it’s her favorite, much like her father), alcohol, fashion, puppies (she will not tolerate cats), warm weather, fire, dueling, nail polish (she has a plethora of colors), stilettos, and surprisingly a great deal of “nerdy” things (such as star wars, lord of the rings, and comic books) but if you try to call her a nerd she’s likely to punch you

quirks

lily cannot cook at all and has set her kitchen on fire multiple occasions.

she loves to sing but is so horrifically tone deaf that she truly shouldn’t. (her favorite genre is pop.)

her art consists of poorly colored stick figures, honestly resembling that of a child’s.

for someone so fiery, she is very averse to the winter. three minutes in the cold and she’ll be absolutely freezing—goosebumps and all.

she much prefers muggle clothes to robes.

secrets

[ tw: emotional abuse, binge drinking/developing alcoholism, ptsd ]

lily has always been brazen and intrepid and fierce, but as a child, she was just a bit softer, before the world hardened her. unfortunately, growing up under the microscope of the media, she was still left vulnerable to vitriol and sexualization, and it forced her to grow up too fast, despite her family’s best efforts to shield their little girl. this is when her insecurities truly started to grapple her, but she responded by putting on an unbreakable facade and feigning confidence. when she was in her third year, she dated someone for the first time, a fifth year named adonis. he was utterly beguiling, like a python before it swallows you whole. at first, there was the honeymoon period where she felt as though she were on top of the world – a beautiful older boy was interested in her. but it was all a cruel game to him, and over time, he pinpointed her insecurities and used them to influence and control her in a manner that was so sly it took her ages to realize it. this was all while convincing her to keep their relationship a secret, so her family would be none the wiser, which isolated her from those who truly cared about her. after about five or six months, she finally recognized something was very wrong and broke free from him, but the emotional abuse and gaslighting left its toll on her as she came to terms with it. never in her life had she felt so stupid, so foolish, and she vowed to never lose control again. this heavily contributed to her fear of falling in love. nowadays, she never lasts in a romantic relationship long, flitting from person to person. she hasn’t ever talked about what happened, but in his seventh year (her fifth), she discovered that he was isolating and manipulating another girl, and she clandestinely struck with a curse that left him permanently blind. never again would he be able to touch her – or anyone else. she can only hope the taste of her was worth it.

after she broke up with him, she also started drinking at parties to endure the fame and trauma, savoring how the firewhiskey numbed her and allowed her an temporary escape from herself. it started out innocuous, but over the years, she’s fallen deeper into alcoholism as it’s very much a coping mechanism for her. while she doesn’t truly hide her drinking, she shuts down anyone who tries to tell her she has a problem. 

she’s still a virgin. she’s fooled around before, but every time she comes close to letting someone truly see her, she thinks about how she almost slept with someone she shouldn’t have. she’s never properly dealt with the trauma from her first relationship, but as far she’s concerned, she’s perfectly fine.

her confidence is merely a mask for her insecurities about not being good enough. fake it until you make it, muggles say, and lily cannot disagree.

she pretends as if she isn’t afraid of anything—as if nothing fazes her—when in reality, she knows fear just as much as everyone else. she simply won’t admit it.

jung type

enfj. (extroversion over introversion; intuition over sense; feelings over thoughts; judging over perceiving)

“enfjs are the benevolent ‘pedagogues’ of humanity. they have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. many enfjs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. but it’s usually not meant as manipulation — enfjs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

enfjs are global learners. they see the big picture. the enfjs focus is expansive. some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously.many enfjs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

enfjs are, by definition, js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. but they don’t resemble the sjs or even the ntjs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. enfjs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their nfp counterparts.

enfjs know and appreciate people. like most nfs, (and feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. they have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. enfjs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.” [ x ]

moral alignment

chaotic good.

“chaotic stands overall for freedom and adaptability, and especially chaotic good embodies that. characters of this alignment disdain bureaucratic organisations that get in the way of social improvement and place high value on personal freedom - but not just their own, but the personal freedom of others as well. since they are on the good axis, they are altruistic and intend to do what is right, regardless of what society may think of it, or whether they go against the law while doing it. think of a vigilante that’s a champion of the people, but frequently breaks the law helping people. they’re not much for planning and extensive organisation versus improvisation, and may create conflict in a team if they feel being pushed around (by, for instance, a lawful character). chaotic good characters might best work independently for that reason, or at least with someone who will respect their personal boundaries.

traits: rebellious, free-spirited, listens to their conscience, follows own moral compass, independent, kind, benevolent, believes in goodness, cares little for laws and regulations, good-natured, unpredictable, value freedom, believe people should follow their own desires, responsible, doubt their government, reckless

positives: combines a good heart with a free spirit, encourages selflessness, encourages freedom and equality, doing good is not seen as a duty, doing good is their responsibility, punishes evil and protects the innocent, keep their word, helps those in need, never kills for pleasure

negatives: disrupts the order of society, punishes those who do well for themselves, often resent authority, refuse to do good as a duty even if they end up doing it anyway on their own terms, promote society with little control from the government, occasionally breaks the law, may resort to torture when deemed necessary, may kill when deemed necessary” [ x ]

temperament

choleric.

“the choleric is an extroverted, hot-tempered, quick thinking, active, practical, strong-willed and easily annoyed person. cholerics are self-confident, self-sufficient and very independent minded. they are decisive and opinionated and find it easy to make decisions for themselves as well as others. cholerics tend to leave little room for negotiating. the choleric is a visionary and seems to never run out of ideas, plans and goals, which are usually very practical. the choleric does not require as much sleep as the other temperaments so their activity seems endless. their activity almost always has a purpose because they are by nature result-oriented. they usually do not give in to the pressure of what others think unless they see that they cannot get the desired results. cholerics can be crusaders against social injustice as they love to fight for a cause. cholerics are both direct and firm when responding to others. they are slow to build relationships because results tend to be more important than people. they do not easily empathize with the feelings of others or show compassion. cholerics think big and seek positions of authority.” [ x ]

enneagram

type eight (with a type seven wing).

“the powerful, dominating type:

self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational

generally, eights are strong, assertive, resourceful, independent, determined, action-oriented, pragmatic, competitive, straight-talking, shrewd, and insistent.

eights get into conflicts by being blunt, willful, domineering, forceful, defiant, confrontational, bad-tempered, rageful, cynical, and vengeful.

at their best, eights are honorable, heroic, empowering, generous, gentle, constructive, initiating, decisive, and inspiring.

enneagram type 8 with the 7 wing desire to appear commanding and see themselves as outspoken, innovative, intense, daring, striking, attractive and tenderhearted.

basic fear: of being harmed or controlled by others.

basic desire: to protect themselves, to be in control of their own life and destiny.

basic motivations: want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

stress point: type five - withdraws, avoids people, observes and thinks, consolidates plans.

security point: type two - protector of the weak, generous, helpful, charming.” [ x ]

soul type

the warrior.

the source i used for this one was another long page [ x ], so i’m just going to copy and paste the quotes that seemed particularly lily-ish.

“warriors are forceful souls; they embody qualities of strength, courage and determination. like kings, warriors are action-oriented beings, and therefore down-to-earth, single-minded and very willful. unlike kings, however, they tend to be more attracted to the cut and thrust of battle (whether real or metaphorical), preferring to just get stuck in rather than to stand back pulling all the strings.”

“warrior souls tend to see life in terms of confrontations and rising to the challenge. there are causes to serve, struggles to be overcome, battles to be won. they like to be on the front line with their trusted comrades, and strongly value both courage and loyalty. the basic drive of any warrior is to uphold something “right” and defeat something “wrong”, however those two are defined.”

“in the positive pole, persuasion, a warrior is forceful and effective without being overbearing. in other words, respectfully persuasive, courageous and protective. in the negative pole, coercion, the warrior descends into intimidation.”

zodiac

her sun sign is leo.

“the lion.

fixed, fire, yang - planetary ruler: the sun. keywords: i will

leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac and rules the back, the spine, and the heart. positive traits include creativity, charisma, generosity, warmth, enthusiasm, a natural talent for leadership, and a great deal of inner power; negative traits are haughtiness, snobbery, an expectation that one is the centre of attention and should be waited on by everyone else, profligacy, lack of realism, dominance that can lead to bullying, and a refusal to change one’s mind even in the face of solid facts.

this is a natural sign for gryffindors, not least because the griffin is part lion. gryffindors born under this sign are outgoing, friendly, affectionate, and likeable. they make friends easily and are crushed when their advances are rejected. their romantic, chivalrous nature makes them perfect examples of all that is best in their house. however, they are also bossy, domineering, spendthrift, and overly dramatic (ever heard the phrase ‘drama queen?’) they have sharp tempers and need to learn to direct their anger toward only needful causes. the natural creativity and flamboyance of leo makes gryffindors born under this sign good at most everything they attempt, provided they apply themselves to learning magic rather than using magic to hog the limelight.” [ x ]

her moon sign is scorpio, a fixed water sign. the moon sign explanation i’m using [ x ] is particularly long, so i’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing, but here are some things on there that i feel really apply to lily.

“because the depth of your emotions – their strength and potential power – can be so intense, they can at times be overwhelming. early on in life, you may find yourself swinging between extremes of emotional peaks and troughs, feeling intensely and acutely every dimension of life. you are reminded not to collapse yourself into your emotions, or believe just because an emotion has intensity it must be acted upon. part of your nature requires you to allow strong feelings to unfold without being overcome by them.”

“you feel intensely, for better or for worse. this can at times make you seem vulnerable, but in truth you are likely to have much strength. your emotional nature combines sensitivity with the instinctual awareness that real growth only happens through episodes of pain and transformation.”

“there may be a tendency to try and protect this vulnerability, hiding the true depths of what you really feel. this tendency to suppress your emotions can go both ways. on the one hand, you may try to detach from uncomfortable emotions, and avoid circumstances that will really get you to feel. you may protect yourself from close encounters with others, and find emotional release through fictional or fantasy-based sources. or, you may attempt to control and dominate others with moodiness, lashing out at them before they can ‘get to you’. defense is used as a form of offense to prevent others discovering how sensitive and vulnerable you really feel.”

“at its highest level, the moon in scorpio gives you the ability to transform your own and others lives. you can act as an agent for change to become a catalyst for greater growth and awareness. you can help others shift their psychological values. the potential power contained here is enormous. you have the opportunity to be a force for change.”

lastly her ascendant sign is aries, with mars also in aries. again, the page i’m using [ x ] is long, so i’m just going to copy and paste some things that stand out to me.

“people with aries ascendants are direct and quick. their first instinct is to do, rather than think.”

“some aries rising people are competitive, but they generally put most of the pressure on themselves. these people love to come out ahead in all that they do. they get ready quickly, walk quickly, and have little patience for dilly-dallying. their temper is quick, too.”

“your ruling planet, mars, is also in aries: you are a fireball of vitality and a true warrior. become a master of yourself and conquer your own arrogance, impatience, and anger before you go out to conquer the world or burn yourself out.”  

tropes

action girl, chronic hero syndrome, determinator, good is not soft, tsundere, lady of adventure, red is heroic, fool for love, the idealist, rebellious spirit, lethal chef, go-getter girl, fiery redhead

character parallels

blossom (powerpuff girls), barbara gordon (batman comics), rose hathaway (vampire academy), buffy summers (buffy: the vampire slayer), anastasia (anastasia 1997), leia organa (star wars), mary jane watson (spiderman), nina zenik (six of crows), kim possible (kim possible), kayley (quest for camelot), sabrina spellman (chilling adventures of sabrina), arya stark (a song of ice and fire), rey (star wars)

element

fire

lily is the living embodiment of fire – most of the time, she is a seething forest fire, and all she knows is destruction. but some days, she’s reduced down to a mere spark, a flicker. no matter what though, she’s always burning.

deadly sin

wrath

she is choleric and vindictive and ferocious and wicked. she knows this, and deep down, she’s utterly terrified that she might truly be a horrible person. she wasn’t always this bitter, this cruel, but she is never going to be the girl she once was. she isn’t ever coming back.

heavenly virtue

charity

lily isn’t infallible – she’s a teenage girl after all – but she’s surprisingly selfless when it comes to the people she cares about. she’d do just about anything for them. hell, she’d sacrifice herself for any of them without hesitation if it ever came down to it. her wand wood is cypress for a reason.

history

birthplace

st. mungo’s hospital

residence

godric’s hallow

socioeconomic status

upper class, wealthy

pets

a little cairn terrier named toto

lily is such a dog person – once during her first year she and hagrid tried to sneak in another three-headed puppy into hogwarts; he was a vicious little thing named buddy (because these two consider any dog their buddy, even if it could bite their head off). but minerva mcgonagall caught her in the nick of time and the poor headmistress chewed them out so loudly that the hogsmeade villagers most likely heard. and buddy was given back to his original owner. but now lily owns a little cairn terrier who means the world to her – the only boy she’s ever loved, or so she claims. his name is toto because he looks suspiciously like toto from wizard of oz, a favorite childhood movie of hers, and he was given to lily last year by her close friend, clarabel, who’s particularly talented at conjuring animals. curiously, his personality and disposition almost mirrors clarabel’s, most likely because she was the one who brought him to life. as toto isn’t technically “real” (please don’t say this to her), he does not age and could disappear at any given moment, which was the only reason why she was allowed to bring him to hogwarts. granted, it took several impassioned speeches to mcgonagall that went something along the lines of “albus is allowed to bring a ferret, but i can’t bring a dog? ferrets carry diseases, headmistress!” it’s almost remarkable how a girl this hardened can be so soft in the presence of dogs.

father

[ tw: parental death ]

lily adored her father to the point of idolization. from a young age, lily became convinced that he could do no wrong, that he was impervious to evil and completely invincible. he was the savior of the wizarding world. the world’s hero. her hero. she would have followed him to the end of the world. it is because of him that she has always dreamed of becoming an auror. she wanted to make him proud, and moreover, she wants to do some good in the world herself. however, her idolization of her father certainly has its negative effects; she puts him on so high of a pedestal that she can’t admit his faults, especially now. not to mention, she’s so concerned about not living up to the expectations of the potter name and is convinced she will never be able to. she will never live up to her dad. and she will spend the rest of her life not knowing how proud of her he really was.

mother

her relationship with her mother is much healthier than her relationship with her father. although she’s always been a bit closer to harry, ginny and lily are still close to each other, and ginny is most protective over her youngest daughter because she always longed for a girl. while harry taught her how to fly, it was ginny who taught her how to play quidditch. lily inherited her natural chaser skills (among other things). lily would confide in her mother almost anything. yes, they do argue because their personalities are both so strong, but there is complete trust and respect between the two of them.

siblings

in the potter-weasley clan, family is valued over anything, and her older siblings are no exception. although they are older in age, lily is viciously protective over them. she watches out for them because she needs them—she needs albus and james. she has no clue what she’d do without her brothers around, but she never wants to find out. lily would lay down her lives for them in a heartbeat, no hesitation at all, no questions asked. because if it’s between them or her, she’d choose herself every time. they have their rows–all siblings do–but at the end of the day, she’s with them until the end of the line.

early history

i. rooting

your relatives always tell the same little anecdotes about your birth. after all those times you hear them over family dinner, birthday parties, the frequent family outings ― any time and place your parents could embarrass you, honestly ― you memorize them.

mum will always go on and on about the pain, how it felt like “a bloody watermelon was coming out of my birth canal,” and dad will always reminisce about how she cursed like a sailor at him every five minutes for “putting this goddamn demon baby in my tiny stomach” and how she threatened to strangle him later. uncle ron will always talk about how he almost fainted when you came out of mum because holy crap the blood. and of course, grandma will always reprimand them for exaggerating and reassure everyone that mum never once called you a demon.

but here’s the part that always sticks to you the most: you were the hardest, most painful birth out of the three. when your mother finally did manage to push you out, you kicked and screamed and cried, and she looked at you and faintly murmured, still weak from the pain, “that’s it. i’m done.”

and you are their final child.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

the youngest and smallest daughter of a prodigious family, you grow up showered with unadulterated affection and care ― you are so loved that you could drown in its depths. there is never a single moment you doubt just how much they cherish you. it’s in every bear hug, every kiss to your forehead, every pinched cheek. they love you more than the world itself, giving you everything that they have, teaching you all that they know.

grandpa instills in you a curiosity and compassion for the mortal world, like the foolhardy little mermaid’s fascination with the shore up above. “just because they don’t share the same powers we do doesn’t mean they’re magicless,” he insists. “everyone has magic flowing inside of their veins. there are people out there who somehow manage to remember every tune on the radio, children who always know how to make their big siblings laugh, grandmas who always brew a perfect cup of tea. you don’t think there’s something magic to that? all you have to do is look, lils. you’ll see it.”

grandma tries to teach you how to cook, but you’re so quickly infuriated in the kitchen that your magic bubbles to a boil as steaming as dragon fire. before you can stop it, it bursts through the seams of your body and sets the food alight. every damn time. after aquamenti’s spluttered out for the fifteenth time amongst the thick and engulfing smoke, molly just heaves a sigh and shakes her head. “well, we’ll try again when you’re older, darling.” (why is it so much easier for you to destroy than create? sometimes you feel as though you are ruination entrapped in a tiny slip of a girl as it pounds and hollers to be set free. nurture is the gene that you failed to inherit, and it haunts you.)

but mum shows you how to wield those flames inside of you, to take the destruction and demolition thumping in your chest and weaponize it. “your family will always be here to fight for you, but it’s still important that you learn how to fend for yourself.” you learn how to fight tooth and nail. the muggle way, without the divinity of a wand. you’re the spitting image of your mother, small as they come, but size is no guarantee of power. you know that well. when you play make believe, you never demand to be the princess but the knight in shining armor, sword and shield in hand.

from your uncle ron, you learn to have courage in the presence of fear, and from aunt hermione, social justice and protest. uncle bill and aunt fleur teach you that inner beauty is as valuable, if not more, than outer beauty. uncle charlie shows you that there was no harm in a little (or a lot of) danger. uncle george and fred illustrate the indispensable power of laughter and tomfoolery ― what good’s existence if you don’t know how to live? uncle percy’s lesson is perhaps the most important, a lesson he almost understood too late: never to abandon your family. “always remember this, lily, we all love you so much no matter what.” percy stresses.

they love you.

and your dad ― he teaches you how to love them back.

ii. rising

then you’re a little ten-year-old upset that your brothers, your godbrother, and your cousins have left you. in the dust. for a castle ― a magical castle where there are ghosts and trolls and a talking hat. a talking sorting hat who somehow shoulders the responsibility of deciding your entire fucking future. (gryffindor? oh merlin, please, gryffindor.)

and most of them can’t even be bothered to pick up the quill and properly write.

but you don’t cry over these things, see? you never cry. (everyone says you’re like your mum. she never cries. dad secretly likes that about mum. dad isn’t much for tears.)

dad doesn’t mind if you cry, he says, but you don’t want to bother him. he’s a weary war hero, even if he pretends to not be for you. he’s had enough. he’s seen enough. he’s felt enough pain for a lifetime. and all is finally well for him, apparently.

you don’t want him to have to deal with your problems.

last time you ever allowed yourself to cry ― you were around five or six? there was a thunderstorm. it was the first one you remembered in your life. (yeah. you fucking cried over a thunderstorm.) no one seemed to be able to calm you down, no one but james. james came over, wet and unruly hair sticking up on all ends, and said “it’s going to be okay, lils, i’m here. no one’s going to hurt you.”

no one will hurt you while your family’s here. so what use is getting upset over anything? they will always be there. to protect you.

and anyways. you’re lily fucking potter.

you’re the chosen one’s daughter.

what the hell do you need tears for? tears are for the weak.

you should be able to bloody take care of yourself.

you should be able to bloody protect them.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

growing up in such a large family, you have become accustom to chaos and pandemonium and a cacophony of hollering voices. but with so many of them gone away, it’s so disturbingly quiet when you come around the burrow.

your uncle ron takes it upon himself to teach you wizard chess.

of course, you lose at first.

but you’re not one for giving up.

also there’s something satisfying about controlling your pieces and planning your moves ― having power over something feels good.

there’s also something very desensitizing about winning a match and seeing your opponent’s piece violently ― barbarically as your aunt hermione says ― shatter to crumbs.

but maybe that’s a little twisted. getting satisfaction off of that.

aunt hermione seems to be concerned about it.

the point is though ― you get good.

you’re bold and reckless and instinctual in your moves, yes. but you get very good.

iii. blooming

[ tw: emotional abuse and alcoholism ]

you’re finally at hogwarts.

and you’re a gryffindor. thank merlin. (the hat said almost slytherin. but definitely gryffindor. you begged and told it “not slytherin.” and so it put you into gryffindor almost immediately after.

as far you’re concerned, that hat was probably rather tipsy that night. if it can talk and sing songs and make decisions, it can get drunk, okay?

and the words that it said while it was intoxicated? can’t be held accounted for.

so thus: you’re a gryffindor. through and through.

no one else needs to know anything different.)

you owl your entire family about it. they’re all proud. most of them say you could have been in any house and it would have been absolutely fine. but they’re all quite proud.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

in third year, you date a boy for the first time.

he sends you love letters. meets with you outside of school. tells you not to tell anyone about him. that sends off warning signs immediately. why can’t your family know? what the fuck is going on?

“let’s keep it a secret, just for now. i don’t want anyone to screw us up, lil. i don’t think they’d like me.”

“why wouldn’t my family like you? i like you. i’d make them like you.”

“please, lil, we can tell them eventually. i’m just scared to right now. you’re the first person i’ve ever had feelings for.”

you’ve always had a very low trust for people, there’s something you love about being called lil though. so you’re wary. but you decide to listen. this time.

but this time turns into just one more time. and it cycles. you excuse things you shouldn’t, all in the name of love. he isolates you, and he knows just how to push your buttons, to pinpoint your insecurities and lash out like a snake.

it takes you months, but you finally come to your senses and see it for what it is: plain and simple abuse. you untether yourself from him.

and then you try your best to forget about it.

maybe that’s part of the reason why you enjoy firewhiskey the first time you try it, just after you turn fourteen.

it burns like it should. it makes you numb. it’s a proper escape.

and it’s pretty damn clear: love gets in the way of things. love is pointless.

also, no one’s allowed to call you lil. ever again.

iv: wilting

[ tw: parental death ]

you’re sixteen. you just turned fucking sixteen.

and your dad’s dead.

your dad’s dead and you didn’t get to say goodbye and the last fucking thing you have of him? it’s his map.

you’d protect that map with your life. even if you’d rather have him.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

it’s all a blur for a while. the condolences, the flowers, the funeral, the memorial, the tears…it’s all just a blur.

you just…you don’t understand why he’s dead.

a war hero. the head of the auror department. the savior. the chosen one.

he was the best of the best.

and he’s dead.

what hope does anyone still have?

practically none.

but dad would want you to have hope.

so you do your best to have some.

your family is just so clearly a mess though. even if they’re all mostly trying to hide it.

you’re the only one in mcgonagall’s army who actually seems to give a damn about people and this hopeless fucking world that’s probably not even worth saving in the first place.

so it’s just all on you now.

because dad’s not here.

he was supposed to always be there.

but he’s not anymore.

but it’s all right. (it’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right. you’re the hero of this story. don’t need to saved.)

you need to do something. you can’t just sit down and cry about it.

dad was always so selfless and concerned about the people he loved, but now that he’s not here? you don’t think that dad would really want you to just let his world go to hell.

when you were younger? you knew you wanted to be an auror. and he was proud of that. he helped train you. he was preparing you for this. maybe in some sick, twisted way…the universe meant for this to happen, for him to be taken away from you.

maybe he knew it too. and that’s why he tried so hard to prepare you.

the reasons don’t really matter, you don’t want to fucking talk to anyone about it. this is all just your job now.

that’s it.

iv: falling

you become harsh and hopeless, a storm that never seems to break. gone is the girl who was terrified of lightning and thunder – now you embody them, reveling in the demolition. you are untouchable, and you’re not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.

if your father was still alive, you wonder if he would be proud.

but you know in your heart, he wouldn’t.

personality

strengths

caring, protective, loyal, intelligent, passionate, determined, brave, outgoing, selfless, witty, cunning, chivalrous, charismatic, adventurous, capable, ambitious, bold, independent, kind, generous, loving, well-intentioned, heroic, willful, free-spirited, warm, revolutionary, compassionate, decisive, hard-working, intuitive, pro-active, family-oriented

weaknesses

paranoid, envious, grudge-holder, blunt, outspoken, misconstrued perceptions, over-drinks, distrustful, stubborn, argumentative, hotheaded, feels the overwhelming need to save everyone and fix everything, too emotionally driven to the point of being illogical, impatient, reckless, lack of regard for her own life, sarcastic, insecure, unyielding, inability to admit she’s wrong, worrier, perfectionist, dishonest, controlling, competitive, unpredictable, erratic, tempestuous, difficulty resisting temptation, spiteful, fearless to the point of harming herself, self-righteous, judgmental, vengeful, violent, manipulative, hypocritical

personality overview

lily is known for her liveliness and her energy. the girl can’t stand being bored, and sitting around doing nothing frustrates her more than anything. most of the gryffindors view her as fun, but her idea of fun doesn’t align with everyone. she likes excitement and adventure. she’d take a swim in the lake when it’s freezing cold outside; she’d drink until she’s completely wasted; she’d set off fireworks in the great hall with her friends; she’d even explore the forbidden forest at night if she’s bored enough.

she’s also known for her quick wit and sense of humor, always ready with a comeback. her favorite teachers call her cheeky, while her least favorite call her a troublemaker. she’ll mouth off to anyone, consequences be damned, and it’s earned her a fair amount of detention sentences over the years. she just can’t help it but sass most of the time. it’s almost a defense mechanism, a way for lily to deflect.

lily knows how to lie, and admittedly, she’s very often dishonest. but she knows how to persuade. she speaks with conviction, her voice unwavering as she spins her webs, a stellar actress. she’s not pathological, but there’s a lot she likes to keep to herself. a lot of weakness and vulnerability that she doesn’t like to share with just anyone. at times, lily is so talented at lying that she is capable of deluding herself, burying some things that she doesn’t care to admit so far in the cobwebs of her mind that the denial becomes subconscious.

she has the heart of a lion. fierce, bold, and strong, lily’s the type of person you’d want beside you in a time of crisis. she’s a textbook gryffindor, ready for a fight and nearly impossible to scare. the girl could be considered too brave; her unwavering courageousness could easily get her killed someday. things that should terrify any sane person, such as bloodthirsty death eaters or hungarian horntails, never scare her. lily is recklessly dauntless, and she’s proud of it. there is nothing she values about herself more than her bravery. if you want lily to go berserk, all you have to do is call her a coward.

lily isn’t afraid to say what she thinks or stand up to people. she’s blunt and outspoken–sometimes harsh – always feeling the need to express her opinion. to make matters worse, she’s very argumentative and steadfast on her beliefs; she could debate for hours about something. in fact, lily actually enjoys arguing and debate, sometimes even picking fights with blood elitists and slytherins merely due to boredom, provoking them for no reason other than craving combat. incredibly hot-tempered, she’s usually fighting with someone about one thing or another and isn’t afraid to resort to violence if her point isn’t coming across.

there is a softer, kinder side to lily behind all her bravado though. she isn’t exactly nice, but she is caring and selfless. and she isn’t inherently cruel. she’d never hurt someone on purpose unless they didn’t absolutely deserve it in her opinion ( though she’s been wrong before on so many occasions ). she’s passionate, loyal, and protective about the things and people that she loves. she would sacrifice her life for someone she cares about in a heartbeat. she has a weakness for heroics, feeling a need to save people and fix everything, carrying the world on her shoulders. this is, of course, unreasonable, but she believes she has to be that way because of the family she comes from. from day one, she has had expectations placed on her because she’s a potter, and rather than fight them, she feels the need to live up to them. she feels as if the world is expecting her to be a hero because her family is so respected and moral. these expectations and complexes of hers are what drives lily.

she is a perfectionist. lily is constantly pushing herself past her limits and often tries to do far more than what she is capable of. lily refuses to stop and rest, and she’ll continue to refuse until the day she dies. she stays up too late to maintain her near-perfect grades. she practices for quidditch nearly every morning. she pours over her dada textbooks for hours on end so that she’ll win every duel in dueling club. lily is competitive and feels the need to be the best because her insecurities cause her to worry that she isn’t good enough, that she’ll never be good enough. it’s self-induced pressure–no one places unrealistic expectations on the girl but herself. in actuality, people may expect lily to be brave and heroic like her parents, but no one expects her to be the best at everything, and she puts most of the pressure on herself due to her own insecurities. it’s only lily who thinks she isn’t good enough, and one of her biggest flaws is her tendency to compare herself to other people rather than seeing herself as her own person. people who are better than her are often met with green, envy rattling in her core, as much as she tries to ignore it.

even though she appears completely fearless to most, lily is actually only almost devoid of fear, not that she would ever admit she was anything less than dauntless. she rarely ever speaks of emotions of fear in front of other people, pretending that nothing fazes her. she doesn’t want anyone to know that she can be scared or weak sometimes. she’s a gryffindor and a potter, so as far as she’s concerned, she’s not allowed to be. lily is expected to be strong and fearless, just like her parents, so that’s what she claims to be whereas, in reality, she can be afraid just like any other person; she’s just good at hiding things. the thought of losing people she cares about absolutely terrifies her, especially with the war. along with that, she has always felt pressure to be great; lily has spent her whole life worrying whether or not she’s good enough due to her family’s achievements. just like her father, she’s always felt the need to be a hero. lately she’s been afraid that she isn’t doing enough to help the order, that her dad would be ashamed of her if he was still alive. that’s one of the reasons why she’ll try to push her outlandish ideas on mcgonagall’s army members even though she knows deep down that she’s suggesting suicide missions.

it’s frightening, really, how much little regard she has for her own life. her self worth is nonexistent in the scheme of things. she’ll fight nail and tooth to live but only because she wants to be there to protect her loved ones; she sees her life as second to theirs. if she thought she could help bring about the end of the war by dying, if there was even the slightest possibility of saving those she views as good, lily would do it in an instant. without thinking. because lily truly believes that her loved ones would get over it, maybe not at first but eventually. and she’s okay with that. she’d want them to move on with their loves, to stop mourning her and find happiness. for lily, there is no better way to go than to go down fighting. to go down while defending her loved ones and her beliefs.

but if she lives through the war, lily plans on becoming an auror, just like her father. it’s just what she’s always wanted to do. again, the girl has a hero complex. and her ambition is great–she wants to be the youngest auror ever accepted into their department and one day make her way up to head auror. lily believes her true calling in life is on the battlefield, protecting the innocent and bringing justice to the world.

lily is a control freak–bossy, domineering, and assertive. losing control is her greatest fear, so she’d never let anyone get the best of her. lily always needs to do something because that’s how she finds control in her own destiny. it always takes time to earn her trust because she fears betrayal and manipulating, causing her to be naturally suspicious of others’ intentions. she’ll fight like hell when others get in the way of her plans; her fear of losing control doesn’t allow her to adapt to change easily. when her father died, she felt weak and powerless, wishing she could just bring back, wishing that she could just do something, anything; her worst fear became a reality, and she swears she is never going to allow herself to feel that way again. she will never be vulnerable again. she will never lose control again. oddly enough, even though she’s been surrounded by love her entire life, she’s even afraid of falling in love for those very reasons. the thought of falling for someone who may or may not love her back, allowing herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone, has always scared her more than she would care to admit. lily needs to feel safe, and being in love with someone who could break your heart is something only fools would do in her opinion.

lily won’t admit to sadness or heartache either, not wanting others to think less of her. through sheer willpower alone, the girl has not cried since she was six though there have been moments where she wished she could allow herself to, such as her father’s funeral. when she saw her father in that casket, she felt like knives were in her ribs, and all she wanted to do was run back to her home, cry, grab a beater’s bat, and destroy all the objects in her home one by one, but her face looked stoic. when asked, lily claims that she’s completely all right about her father’s death, and most believe it. she’ll barely ever talk about him at all. it’s like she isn’t even mourning. there are subtle nuances that she is though. her smile and laugh are more demure than it was before. she’s even more fiercely protective of her family and friends now, and her weakness for heroics has also increased; she’ll go to great lengths to protect and save others with little regard for her own safety. it’s partly because she wants to make her father proud by being brave and partly because she doesn’t value herself much as a person due to her insecurities.

but ironically, even though she hides her emotions the majority of the time, she is consumed by them. they control and drive her, often even to the point of recklessness. logic falls on deaf ears to this girl, making her much more likely to make mistakes and get into trouble. she has a good brain on her shoulders and should know better than to act without thinking, but she doesn’t. lily’s impulsive, reckless, and impetuous, mostly relying on pure instinct. and she’s as stubborn as a mule as well. it’s very hard to convince her not to do something once her mind is set. and bare nerves, stubbornness, and recklessness is a dangerous combination–a mixture not usually found in those who like to live long lives. lily is aware of how foolish she can be, but she just doesn’t care. as far as she’s concerned, if something’s the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do, regardless of the possible consequences.

but here’s the problem: she’s so often wrong. her black-and-white and self-righteous beliefs are so instilled in her that she can’t see the bigger picture. she can’t recognize that the population isn’t capable of being sorted in categories of good and evil. she doesn’t see shades of grey, judging others by their actions and beliefs regardless of the circumstances. death eaters are not seen by lily as people–only monsters incapable of human emotion. whenever she looks at a death eater, all she can see is her father’s dead face. she doesn’t know who was responsible, so instead she blames them all. she hates them all so intensely that she is blind to the fact that expectations are placed on those from traditionalist families too. and most of all, she doesn’t realize that the other side is just as capable of loving others to the point of consumption as she is. and they should be feared for that.

describe your character through a particular weather temperament or season. / could your character be described in two rival parts, and if so, what would they be? / ( +bonus: if your character could choose their own form of death, what would it be? )

i. lily luna potter was born at the height of summer, on a muggy august night, and as such, she truly embodies every aspect of the season. she’s the unrelenting sun beating down on you — she is always burning burning burning, and she’s impossible to put out. everything she chooses to do is carried out with a tremendous intensity and passion, almost as though she is pouring her entire heart into it, and perhaps she really is. (”they told me to pour my heart into everything i do. so that’s what i did, i poured and poured and poured. now they ask me why i’m so empty.”) when she’s determined to accomplish something, nothing else matters in that moment. she’s overpowering, a girl with the capability to set the whole damn world on fiendfyre if she wanted to. she’s just so much all at once — too much, really. she’s been told that by exes before, that she’s just too much for them, and lily always responds, her voice so piercing it could slit a throat, “or maybe you’re just not enough.” even when she’s cold, it’s with this ferocity that still manages to burn you to the core.

lily can’t ever be any other season than summer, but sometimes she wishes she could be. she longs for the rebirth of spring, the balance of autumn, the chill of winter. but she’ll always burn like summer.

ii. lumos – a fire-haired girl who dons robes of scarlet and gold, as striking as a beacon of light / the family legacy you swore to protect / brain and nerve and bounding heart / a deafening roar of laughter after a brilliant joke / being so incredibly drunk you’re as giddy as a toddler, the life of the party / shielding young girls as though you are the mighty huntress artemis / a magnificent silver phoenix burst from the tip of your wand, summoned by the many faces of your family / the indescribable solace found from wrapping your arms tightly around your big brother, not ever wanting to let go / the callow little girl within yourself that you couldn’t quite manage to kill, a girl who wished on shooting stars and cried during thunderstorms

nox – a meadow of wildflowers wilting away / the fury deep within your core that burns like dragon fire, threatening to consume you / a memory you’ve tried to bury deep within the crevices of your mind, a memory you’d rip from your skull if you could / swearing off love because what good is it anyway / clenched fists so tight that your red, red nails bite crescent moons on your palms / the glorious burn of your muscles during a seething fight / a thunderous cry for retribution, even if it means destroying yourself in the process / feeding into your rage because if you falter for just a moment, you’ll remember just how hollow you are / a ruinous lightning storm encased within a pint-sized girl

iii. she can’t ever picture herself dying quietly. whenever the veil inevitably comes to shroud her, she will take her sharp nails and try to tear it into shreds – she is a forest fire that refuses to snuffed. rage is all she knows, all she’s good at. her beloved cypress wand bears a reminder she carved in runic scripture: “never give up without a fight.”  and lily never will. she will struggle and struggle and struggle before they take her.

it’s not that the prospect of death petrifies her. there have been cold nights where she feels hollow and so very small, and she thinks about how she doesn’t want to die – no, she doesn’t want to die – but still she would appreciate the rest, the quietness, the peace. it had been her own father who had sat her down at age six, her very first taste with death (her great-great aunt muriel finally decided to fucking croak) and bestowed upon her the wise words of albus dumbledore just before they left for the funeral, “do not pity the dead. pity the living.” and oh, she does. lily is just sixteen years old, and she’s already so exhausted.

no, she’s not petrified of death, but rather petrified of what she’d leave behind: a family she treasures more than anything. lily doesn’t place much value in her own life. she ultimately views herself as just a person and not a very good one at that, but still she will fight until her dying breath. she will do it for them – all this struggle is for their sake. she needs to stick around to protect them.

but of course, if she could die to save someone she loved, she would do it in an instant. lily’s loyalty is hard-won, but once it’s earned, there isn’t anything she won’t do for you. so that’s how she’d choose to die, fighting but fighting for something – or someone – worth dying for. on those cold hollow nights when she’s wondering what it’s all for, she has to remind herself that it’s for them.

she might not matter, but they do.

drabble

lily luna potter – the woman, the myth, the legend. the only daughter of the chosen one, the world hailed her as a figure of hope from the moment she was born, waiting with baited breath to see what she will go on to accomplish. lily’s so beguiling she could be the sun – she never manages to dim. she’ll lull you to a stupor when she struts past, as ostentatious as ever, and you’ll be rendered gormless in her wake. she’ll leave you wondering whether she’s a dream or a nightmare, but that’s the very point, isn’t it? you laud her as your hero, thrust her with expectations she could never live up to, and when she seems to rise to the occasion, you forget. you forget that she is just a teenager, not a blinding sun or a sharp crack of lightning or a ruinous earthquake, but a girl who’s barely sixteen. a girl who’s lost more than you could ever imagine. children should never be viewed as metaphors, but from the second she came into this world, it was already too late.

               / / /

self-righteous but vindictive, girlish but bloodthirsty, idealistic but cynical, emotional but hardened, tender but acrimonious, coquettish but closed off, well-intentioned but wicked, fiery but icy, radiating but deathly – lily is a girl of contradictions and paradoxes. she possesses so many opposing traits that it’s difficult to make sense of her. with her full face of makeup and voguish outfits, she is ever so carefully put together, but it only serves to hide the storm raging underneath her skin. her countenance is a purposeful illusion – she doesn’t want you to see the red scars on her skin or the dark circles underneath her eyes. everybody is always watching her, so she must look her best. but there’s more to it, isn’t there? he always used to tell her she wore too much makeup, and since breaking up with him on the cusp of her fourth year, she has never stepped outside without a full face. it’s a permanent two-fingered salute. “fuck you, i’m beautiful.” but why does she feel so ugly and mangled?

              / / /

on some days, she burns as bright as a brush fire, incinerating everything in her path. but on others, she’s as hollowed out as a glacier cave, the coldness seeping inside her body, freezing over her heart – those days, nothing and no one can really touch her. somehow, she always fluctuates between passion and numbness, a vicious cycle she can’t seem to control. lily either feels so intensely or feels absolutely nothing at all, and she’s not quite sure which is worse. when her emotions are tearing her apart, she longs to shut them off, but once they’re gone, she’ll do anything just to feel something again. how can she be so passionate yet so hardened at the same time? sometimes she misses the bitter tang of tears, the sweet release – it’s been ten long years since she’s allowed herself to cry. but she won’t allow herself to be weak again. she’s come too far. perhaps it really is best to have a heart that’s forgotten how to beat; dead hearts can’t break.

              / / /

she’s furious and she’s bitter and she’s tired. she’s so goddamn tired. it’s always so exhausting to be her. some days, she wonders what is the point of it all. why does she keep struggling when all she wants to do is lay down her weary arms, close her eyes, and rest? but she knows she can’t. she was born to fight – that’s all she knows how to do at this point. so she will soldier on.

[kittykatknits]

What are some positive commonalities b/w Sansa and Ned? (I am kind of sick of seeing only negative traits of Sansa in character parallels meta/gifsets) Thanks!

Hmm…dunno that I’ve ever seen gifsets comparing the two now that I think about it. Went looking but couldn’t find them. My tumblr skills are awful so this isn’t a surprise tho…

I wrote this post about the two of them in GoT which helps set up why their similarities are so often missed. The two have the same story and make many of the same decisions, but Sansa is introduced into the narrative in a much more negative way. I mean, Ned is set up as the One True Hero in the first book. The result is that Sansa kinda ends up being Ned’s “fall guy” for lack of a better term. Sometimes, I think this conditions the reader to not notice their similarities. 

I’d also add that some of what is perceived as “negative” by the fandom, isn’t. At least not always, it depends on context and framing. 

So, here is a partial, but by no means exhaustive or complete list of similarities between the two of them.

They both share the same philosophy about lying:

A lie is not so bad if it is kindly meant.  

-Sansa I, aFfC.

That’s Sansa thinking of what LF is feeding her but she later employs this same thought with SR. They share the same belief that a lie is OK if it brings comfort to others. It’s something they both do and it comes from their shared empathy for other people. It’s why Ned tells his sister that Robert would be a good man and true. He’s trying to comfort her. He does the same with Robert at the end, he gives a lie of omission about his “children” and then gives another variant of a lie:

For a moment he was at a loss. He could not bring himself to lie. Then he remembered the bastards: little Barra at her mother’s breast, Mya in the Vale, Gendry at his forge, and all the others. “I shall … guard your children as if they were my own,” he said slowly

-Edward XIII, GoT

Both are trying to comfort and help someone else. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. 

They employ the same coping mechanisms when it comes to trauma. Both of them avoid dealing with it and the accompanying painful memories. They will both also rewrite their memories. Most famously, we have the unkiss, followed by Sansa’s transfer of responsibility for the Trident onto Arya/Mycah. However, this is one of those characteristics that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

First, it’s very clear that Ned is still dealing with a lot of pain and is still heavily traumatized by RR and surrounding events. He lost his brother, father, and sister in a short period of time with Benjen going off to the wall. He saw the bodies of dead children placed by the throne, had his life threatened, and would have seen the aftermath of the sack of KL. It’s very clear all of it still haunts him, even so many years later. The way Lyanna creeps into his thoughts is very similar to the way Sansa’s family does in hers. It’s there but it is so painful, Ned actively tries not to think on it. 

It’s a coping mechanism and it’s one Sansa desperately needs at several points in the story. Her chapters, especially in aCoK and SoS, have a very “in the moment” feel to them. She’s very centered in the present and devotes large amounts of mental energy to planning what to say, how to respond, anticipating the words/actions of others, and so on. It means she doesn’t let her thoughts linger on anything too painful. 

They both rewrote the Trident incident as well. Ned transferred all of the responsibility for it it on to Cersei, even though it was Robert that ultimately gave the order for Lady to be killed. 

The thing is, Sansa’s ability to do this is what helped her to survive. Long term, she will need to confront much of what she saw/witnessed. While a captive, not necessarily so and not always and not right away. The context on when she employs it matters. Ned never confronted any of this while Sansa still has the opportunity to do so. She did it with Joffrey but we are still waiting on LF.

Sansa’s courtesy armor is really only a different flavor of Ned’s lords face. The lords face is the persona Ned wears in his professional capacity. It’s the public version of Ned but inside his head we see the real him. He’s a very kind and emphatic man who feels deeply. Outside, he can come off as cold and reserved. Sansa explicitly tells us courtesy is a lady’s armor. She hides behind it and uses this armor in public, to protect herself and navigate the world around her. We get in her head and, like Ned, it’s very different than what she shows everyone else.

Their wants and desires are the same. Ned is a LP and Sansa is expecting she will be a queen. However, Ned was the second son and never expected to have any of it. Sansa’s desire to be queen isn’t about power, it’s about family and a husband who loves her. Ned really leaves us with the sense he would be perfectly content to spend the rest of his life inside the walls of WF, with his children around him, and Cat in his arms every night. That’s Sansa’s dream too. Compare that to Bran who wants to be a knight and a member of the KG or Arya.

Both are deeply emphatic. Let’s look at Sansa’s behavior and understanding of the Hound. After he tells her about his burns, she responds that his brother was no true knight. He’s pretty awful to her at multiple points but she continuously looks for the best in him and understands what drives much of his actions. Compare her relationship to Sandor with Arya’s, for example. It’s the same with Ned and Cersei. Ned isn’t angry with her, rather he puts himself in her place and tries to understand. 

Both are internal and can refuse to act until absolutely needed. Compare Ned after Robert’s death. LF and Renly both came to him and said to act but he waited until Cersei summoned him. Sansa tends to do the same thing. 

They are both idealistic and look for the good in people. Sometimes, I see them called naive which is kinda an incomplete way of looking at things. Yes, Sansa starts out as naive in the first book, but considering her life experiences at that point, it is to be expected. Ned does place his trust in the wrong people (LF and Cersei) but he also makes a point to know his people and looks for the good in them. It’s part of what inspires the loyalty in people back north. Also, remember Davos’ visit to the Sisters? I love this story:

That was when Stark said, ‘In this world only winter is certain. We may lose our heads, it’s true … but what if we prevail?’ My father sent him on his way with his head still on his shoulders. 'If you lose,’ he told Lord Eddard, 'you were never here.’ “

- Davos I, aDwD.

Here, Ned put his trust in Lord Godric’s father and chose to see the best. It payed off for him. Sansa does the same, she sees the best in people, she sees the world as it should be (to borrow from Cinderella). So, in Westeros, with years of war and the ice apocalypse coming, it seems to me that a person who sees the best and who sees what is possible is ideally suited to be in a leadership position afterwards. Sansa is not only the type of person who can rebuild, she can make it better.

Lastly, we have one of Sansa’s best lines in the entire series:

"I will remember, Your Grace,” said Sansa, though she had always heard that love was a surer route to the people’s loyalty than fear. If I am ever a queen, I’ll make them love me.

- Sansa IV, aCoK

Where do we think that came from? That’s Ned and his approach to ruling right there. Ned, who inspired love and loyalty from his people because he gave it back. He invited someone different to sit with him at supper every night. He took the time to visit the mountain clans. He dispensed his own justice. He made his people fight for “The Ned’s little girl.” Sansa adopts that same approach during the Blackwater with the ladies she tries to comfort. It’s the same approach to ruling we see her starting to use in the Vale. Look at the servants in the Eyrie. 

And here is one thing that really stands out with this style of governance. Robb and Jon both think on Ned’s teaching and try to adopt them. Sansa never does, it’s all unconscious.

Hopefully this answered your question some anon!! Thank you for the ask!!!

[sasorikigai]

100 days of headcanons:

Day 29: Funny

Because of their severe traditional upbringing (based on Confucius’ teachings), humor hadn’t been particularly viewed as a character strength for both Hanzo and Kuai. While humor can be used to make others feel good, to gain intimacy or to help buffer stress, along with gratitude, hope and spirituality, a sense of humor belongs to the set of strengths to what is called transcendence; together it could become a helping agent for them to forge connections to the world and provide meaning to life. However, while Hanzo and Kuai are well aware of knowing the importance of humor in their hearts, because of their respective traumas and the nature of their upbringing which had been riddled with deep throes of loss, death and violations of self and even pushed beyond madness and losing themselves (Hanzo more so than Kuai, who is deemed more ‘emotionally stable’) they are not able to fully participate in the full scope of what humor entails. They are simply not humorous people; the ubiquity of humor does not strike them, for the threshold of pain overrules pleasure for both of them. 

Appreciation of humor correlates with other strengths, too, such as wisdom and love of learning, which both of them are known for. As they both engage in various relationships and specifically, begins to pursue in romantic/sexual relationship, the long-lost humor and its importance begins to creep on them. Hanzo had his mischievous, banterous streaks and knew how to have fun, even in his traditional upbringing. He also realizes that humor is what helped his own psychological and physical well-being - especially helping him to cope with stress and adversity. Humor even seems to help him grieve: And humor activities or exercises result in increased feelings of emotional well-being and optimism, which Hanzo begins to realize as his newfound, revivified personality his pre-death will return as he finds that balance of gravitas and humorousness. 

Kuai most often resorts to his ice puns, and compensates for his lack of humor and solemn seriousness. He has that calm and collected aura that’s hard to break and it may come across as intimidating because he does not wear emotions on his sleeve like Hanzo. He’s enigmatic and mysterious, has an air of a Grandmaster’s aura (not unlike Hanzo, who may come across even more intimidating because he doesn’t smile very often), but he knows how to have fun, specifically looking at him in MKX where Kuai Liang is met by Cassie Cage and her team under orders from Johnny Cage. Not wanting to converse with them, he and his warriors engage them in battle. Defeating Cassie and her team, Kuai reveals that the encounter is a test set up by him and Johnny, chastising Cassie's team's lack of unity while commenting that they have great potential. Even in the serious and heavy situation, he does have humor that surfaces over the calm ocean of his mind, and while it may take him long period of time to loosen himself up, he knows how to banter and even flirt. 

[parrotbeak]

I wrote that Steven Universe-The Simpsons comparison with the decision to not mention the colonial angle. But it’s become difficult to read posts, some critical, some not, relating to any of the Earth-made gems and spot the same indifference that’s interwoven with my life as Indo. Hopefully this post educates a little on what it means (or can mean; I only speak for myself) to be caught in-between. I normally couldn’t care less, but in this one case, don’t interact if anti-crit or non-crit.

The don’t-think-this-is-all short of the Indo experience is that the Dutch way back figured it’d be nifty if the Dutch East Indies had a supply of loyal people with a reason to stay right where they are. Marriages between Dutch men and Indonesian women were motivated in order to produce a new identity of people that’d be invested in serving the DEI because that, the colony holding both roots, was their home. The duality of being Indo plays a role to this day, past the violence of 1940-1949, the unwelcome by the Netherlands to which the arrival of Indos (and Moluccans) was inconvenient as well as never supposed to happen, and the undealt-with trauma that followed when quietly adapting was all there was to do. I’m not going into detail, but for me, having been born decades after the end of the DEI, I miss the place. Rationally and morally that’s ridiculous, but emotionally it promises so many answers I’ll never get. A lot of my life perspectives are based on considerations of what being in-between means. And though I love the Netherlands dearly (culturally), being part Asian also makes me different and alerts me of just how much my country still hasn’t given its DEI history a place.

So, for me the theme of home in colonial and war context is big and SU lines that stand out to me include “I never asked for it to be this way. I never asked to be made!”, “I don't have memories of it, just feelings. I know I can never go back to Homeworld, but it's hard not to have some feelings for where you came from.”, “I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust, because of what YOU did to my colony! Because of what YOU did to my planet!”, “Who knows what they would do to me back home after what I did to Jasper? I can't go back to Homeworld and I can't stay here.” I’m going to go ahead requesting that if the urge comes to throw a “you’re projecting”, don’t, because odds are I know better just how much SU fails at all of this. These quotes are just a selection reminding what the show could've been and that the writers do have an understanding of what they’re pretending to dig into before disingenuously scrambling back to the Status Quo of everybody getting along because nothing has meaning. I could’ve done without them shoving that nonsense out to a worldwide audience.

With “On the Run”, I don’t see a tale of “just” abuse as I get the impression generally is interpreted. What I see is a child stolen from her destroyed heritage who is given nothing to cope with that and forge herself a new identity. The happy resolution of what Pearl in particular has done to her isn’t giving her better access to the story she belongs to, but eradicating her psychological ties to it. Like, I know what it’s like to have to think about this stuff and I can’t imagine external judgement and disassociation would’ve helped me figure things out. And that would've come from my own parent, not an ugly outsider like Pearl, let alone an outsider responsible for the loss. That’s the bizarre part of “On the Run”. It knows there’s an inherent attachment difference between Amethyst and Pearl, but it lies around it because otherwise Pearl can’t be easily forgiven. The rebellion was right, of course, but sometimes in doing the right thing you can’t avoid causing harm and your moral compass is still on display in how you deal with the aftermath of your actions. Although it is insult to injury to me that RPG are conditional freedom fighters. Each one of them was ultimately motivated by own gain. Ruby and Sapphire wanted each other, Pearl wanted Rose, and Rose wanted human men. This isn’t something I fault them for, but it’d be nice if the show was honest about it and acknowledged the current passivity. The only original CG who is pure and operates by ideology and who could’ve pulled off shutting out Amethyst’s ordeal while still not being insensitive is Bismuth. Instead, she gave Amethyst a kind of support Amethyst usually only gives, never receives. She even shared a non-judgy detail what amethysts are like, which we’ve never seen RPG do! How come Bismuth is the one whom we’re supposed to believe is bad?

Where Amethyst has meaning to me in direct likeness, Jasper is a bit more complex, falling into my sympathy through my grandfather and the (violence-induced) personality traits that have been passed on, being mine and also not. Notwithstanding what I judge, I cannot disapprove of Jasper on the whole. I’ve grown up knowing of a man who was overly dedicated to his role as soldier, who couldn’t keep his home, whose successes were of lesser meaning than his non-whiteness, and who in response only became more dedicated. Pride’s funny like that. I’m not against NPD and child soldier interpretations for Jasper, though I don’t share them, but I experience frustration that the nature of her existence in relation to her uncomfortable place in society is not picked up on as a possibility too. I wondered for a while why Lapis’s lack of (consistent) characterization does not stop peeps from acknowledging the potential she has (had) while Jasper gets more of a “either/or” treatment, until I realized that with Lapis too the home angle barely gets talked about. Ditto for Peridot; my main problem with her redemption is that it wasn’t completed. We only got to see how she came to love Earth, not how she disconnected from Homeworld. I’ve only twice seen a post bring that up. Same disregard is reason #~4 I’m not dealing with HBA fans anymore.

I dislike posts that suggest Amethyst owes RPG anything. I dislike posts that pose that Amethyst feels impure for not being a CG by choice. I dislike posts that place Amethyst and Jasper on incompatible ends as if they’re not different expressions of the same duality conflict. I do not tell what to ship or not, but from the above it should be clear that I hold a negative opinion of ships involving any member of the Famethyst with anyone who has proven not to understand (do the people who ship understand?). A particular thing that’s been on my mind with Jasper and Lapis ever since “a lapis terraforms” is the theory -- a miniscule possibility that makes my hair stand on end -- that Lapis was involved with the creation of Beta. Roughly the only reason I want her arc to continue is to have confirmation that that theory is wrong. It needs to be wrong. And on a final matter, trying to put this as delicately as I can: I hope all who have compared Homeworld to Nazi Germany come from a place where they own those words. Because there’s a distinct lack of other (and at times more fitting) comparisons. Like, I’ve only ever seen one person compare Homeworld’s deal to the invasion of the Americas and nothing on any other. Just in general, I’m not comfortable with understanding evil only as an externalized condition. 

If possible, I’d like to see some more consideration whenever an Earth-made gem is the topic. A loss like theirs is a bad one, and even if you’d argue SU deals with it horribly in a way that can be ignored, both Amethyst and Jasper have made references to their troubles as a result of the loss. I may as well add, to any (future) writers, a piece of advice. When your worldbuilding requires you to create societal details, keep in mind that life’s stranger than fiction and nothing you can come up with doesn’t have a real-life parallel, sometimes with memory still fresh (there’s nothing colonial in SU that’s new to me) or even ongoing. It’s pointless to tell you to educate yourself because you can’t always do that if you don’t know what to look for (and as I can attest, even with a lead it can be difficult), but you can always be a decent person about what you try to do. If you decide on certain themes, carry them full and sincere instead of suddenly hiding behind claims of intentional naivity. It’s not difficult to think of how a certain event ought to affect each character and either reject the event if it gets in the way of the goal or plan for the outcome.

To end on a constructive note, these are specific things I would’ve liked SU to do instead:

Be clear about the place of imperfect gems in society, including the occurence of beta productions. We’ve got, like, five random sources right now and they’re contradicting and vague at best.

Be clear whether Rose (and any others of the pink court) is from Earth or not. It matters.

It creeps me out how the show refuses to decide whether Amethyst is an adult or a child and pretty much lets it depend on whether it wants Steven alone or not. Especially creepy given that Amethyst is stolen while Steven is the grand heir.

Be thorough on gem names. I never thought that moment where Peridot calls herself “Peridot” instead of her code was a moment for her, because in order to be “Peridot”, no other peridots may be around. No other peridots may share in what she has. That’s not “d’awww!”, that’s horrible. It bugs me with the Ruby Squad that we know them only by names Steven’s given them and I don’t get why we haven’t got a gem yet who chose their own name as a way to reject Homeworld’s identity rules. Only Amethyst’s scene of discovering her code made sense. (Needless to say, this non-commitment to name significance is why the DeMayo/Universe and Steven/Nora deals are laughable at best.)

Any plot necessity for Steven and Amethyst not to ask questions is dealt with by focussing on why they don’t ask questions. Fear of what emotions they might unleash? Fear of conflict between the teller and the not-teller? Fear of losing certainties? Fear of being unable to handle the answer? Fear of having to ask more questions? Or maybe they know the answers they need but not the questions to get at them. Stuff like this is like a sudoku; you have some answers and you know there’s more, but you can’t formulate a means to get those answers without finding the starter points first.

Garnet would’ve never said “For Amethyst to be herself“ in “Bubbled”, because, holy heckles, that’s rich coming from Ms. “We kept Amethyst”.

Going back to “Stronger Than You” after “Earthlings” leaves me with distaste. Jasper vaguely seems to respond to “And I won’t let you hurt my planet!”, a line that ought to hurt and infuriate her from what we know now, but it’s barely noticeable and gets contextually hidden by a closeup slasher smile. Either [my planet] should not be there or Jasper’s response should get focus. Yes, it’s Garnet’s song, but you can’t play over this like that. (I despise how the crewniverse hid an ethnicity context behind a sexuality one.) 

Malachite would’ve gotten Sugilite’s deal (and Sugilite something much better). Lapis would’ve fused with the aim to trap the fusion and give the CGs a clean shot, having nothing better to hope for than that Steven would save her from whatever fate would be Jasper’s. But the unexpected happens when the two fuse, Lapis’s knowledge that this one act locks her from her home for good and Jasper’s resurfaced trauma of the loss of her home mixing into a singlemindedness neither could’ve foreseen or can control. Malachite would’ve escaped and periodically resurfaced as a break from the Cluster plotline and something fresh in the gem recovery narrative.

The moment Peridot brings up the plans for the Earth colony in "It Could've Been Great", Amethyst would not respond identical to Garnet and Pearl, but rather with a hint of wonder. She was made for it and it was supposed to be made for her; shameful but her story nonetheless. Peridot becomes the person she tries to get more information from what happened and what things could’ve been like after all this time of RPG proving untrustworthy. That ableist nonsense of “Beta” does not occur.

Amethyst and Jasper “bond” after one or the other figures out the other’s identity, if only by playing into Jasper’s anger. Amethyst later defects (though never betrays), resulting in her own time of learning on HW and later visiting/being sent to the pink station, where her story can overlap with whatever is the equivalent of the abduction arc. Consequences of Amethyst leaving are progress in Garnet’s growth into leadership, major self-reflection by Pearl, probs something like Peridot boosting the ranks (Lapis and Bismuth deserve time to themselves), and, since I want Amethyst and Lars to be BFFs over Purple Puma, for this to be a hit on Lars that later helps Amethyst understand RPG’s choices and for which she’d apologize/make up in the equivalent of “Wanted” or thereafter. It could probably also be incorporated in Lars reflecting on his lost friendship with Ronaldo and the choices he made there.

I’m not sure what I want for Jasper. Her getting corrupted is fine by me, especially if she’d be crucial in developing a healing process, but I really wish SU had handled corruption better. Finding peace with her peers would be nice. I’d also like her being able to empathize with HBA (while not tolerating her actions) in a “I’m not where I’m supposed to be and neither are you” sense.

SU avoids talking about it, but it stands to reason some of HW’s planets were populated. You don’t have an army if you don’t have wars. It’s been my interpretation for a long time that Yellowtail is fully alien, Vidalia possibly part alien, and Onion at least half alien, all survivors or descendents thereof from another colonized planet. And after that odd scene between Topaz and Onion, I like to think Topaz is from that colony and that her encounter on Earth makes her think and spread the anti-colonialism beyond Earth.

[lady-nevermore]

Third Session Part 2 (aka the things I forgot to include).

June 6, 2017 

Meh....(this is starting to feel like a broken record/feels somewhat redundant and I’ve started to notice/become hella conscious of the fact: of how much i use the word “I” in these therapy-blogs....feeling hella self-conscious that ppl will start to think I’m hella obnoxiously: selfish, egotistical or something). >_>; .....But Anyways......

Ah yes, I remember now, well I remember telling my therapist how I tend to Separate my thoughts from how I’m feeling.....in other words when I’m feeling an emotion that I find to be too intense/overwhelming at the moment and don’t wanna deal with, I tend to avoid, bury and not think about what I’m feeling and vice versa, and just feel cold/numb.....I told my therapist that it was my coping mechanism so to speak......My therapist says that, that is really unhealthy, and that we’ll start to find another, healthier way for me to cope that isn’t me burying/repressing my emotions like that. <---- Dunno Why I felt I needed to write this down, but I do feel like it could be important for later on.

We Also talked about If I ever got the chance to say goodbye to my old Mentor/Friend, Obi-Wan and that he was the first loss/death (of someone i knew personally) that I ever experienced.....I told her (My Therapist), that I wasn’t like at his deathbed or anything when he passed away, but that I did say goodbye to him in 2010 in person, when I was 18, during my Graduation of AHS High......The last words he said to me before giving me a bear-hug, was that He was Proud of me, and that “I was gonna be fine”.......You know it’s funny, (and I haven’t even told my therapist this yet, I’ll have to remember to tell her later on) but that was the first time anyone (from well a parental-figure at least) has ever really said that they were “Proud of me”.....And I remember at age 18, feeling so damn overwhelmed (it was heartwarming really) ......and it’s not that I’m blaming my parents or anything like that......it’s just that in our family we tend to not really express a lot of our emotions, ‘Tis not really in our nature.....hell I get like hella uncomfortable/awkward whenever I cry in front of somebody, let alone seeing others cry in front of me.......But anyways, that’s beside the point, The Last words Obi-Wan said to me, face to face, was that “I was going to be fine”, and then I said good-bye, but He told me that this wasn’t good-bye, and he made me promise to come back and visit him at my old alma-mater AHS High, and I promised him I would............And dammit, I was 19 in 2011 (you see, it was during 2011, the day I created this tumblr blog and a year shortly after I graduated/and I was attending Community College) I tried, I really did try to stop by and visit, but he was out that day, off work, for a Chemotherapy treatment.....I heard the news via facebook, that he died a few months, shortly afterwards.....I promised to visit him, and even though I tried, a part of me still feels like I low-key sort of failed him in keeping that promise. *sigh* 

I also told my Therapist that I don’t like feeling forced/obligated in doing things.....the more I’m forced/feel obligated/ coerced to do something, the more I internally rebel (example going to church when I was a youngling, aka when I was more an atheist/agnostic and against the idea of being immensely religiously Catholic like the rest of my family/extended family, this includes my Aunt C)....Things have changed, and even though I pride myself, and prefer to being tolerant, liberal-minded, open-minded, I’ve come to terms with trying to have an open-mind, and thereby get close to God (cause Obi-wan was quite a spiritual/ religious guy and In someway I sorta wanna feel connected to him) and in being semi-religious/agnostic and trying to get in touch in having/attempting to have faith again (spiritually at least......after all I’m absolutely fascinated and love learning about lore, myths, other cultures and their mythologies/religions, and spiritual beliefs) and so far..... I feel a sense of peace, soooo so far so good?......But .Yeah trust me I know I’m stubborn......But yeah, If I’m gonna do something it’s going to be on my terms, because I wanted to. 

I also told my Therapist that there were moments , in the past, where I felt really exhausted always feeling like I need to be perfect (the perfect student, the teacher’s pet, living up to the expectations that my parents, teachers and even old high-school friends had of me, not to mention my own personal high expectations that I held against myself)....My Therapist says I need to figure out who I want be and what I want do with my life, but that it’s important that it’s via “on my own terms”. ....I Told her that might be sorta difficult because I have a really hard time with being/or feeling uncertain or dealing with changes in life....but that I can, at the very least acknowledge and recognize that, that is always gonna be a part of, and how life just is. 

I also told her that I have had, and probably still have a hard time when it comes to emotionally reaching out to family, friends, people.....because it makes me feel “trapped/obligated” into the commitment of emotionally putting myself out there and emotionally investing myself into a relationship.....and I told her that I try to fight against this anxious feeling in spite of it telling me otherwise (probably has something to do with my trust issues), and that I’m also not sure if this becuase I’m an introvert (because I do feel exhausted when dealing with a huge group of people, socializing....unless I really trust and really know them, and even then it still takes a lot of my energy...tend to prefer quieter moments to myself or with a few seldom people in order to recharge.

My therapist also told me something that rings quite true to me (cause my old Mentor Obi-Wan used to say the same thing); “To control what you can control, Don’t try to control what you can’t”......In other words: Try to choose and be in control of how I choose to respond/react to things/situations that give me anxiety and the like, rather than allowing that anxious feeling to overtake and control how I react/feel. Gonna try really hard to keep that in mind. 

We talked a bit about how my old high-school friends really meant the world to me (that they were a really bright light in my life), and that includes Obi-Wan’s Wife, let’s call her: Lady Obi-Wan, who has such a gentle and kind soul, and whom is someone I really trust, and that is someone (that is if I ever get better or feel ready in the future to face her and a slew other of old faces) that I sort of still to want to reconnect with, but we’ll see...I did tell me therapist that i feel ashamed/guilty that i turned my back on them/cut them out of my life......but that I dunno if I’m truly blaming myself for my actions or If I should be blaming my depression for causing me to make that choice......It wasn’t something I’m proud of me.....my old-high school friends deserved better than that, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like we (most of us) were sort of already drifting apart there in the end, after all they all went and gone to college, made their own lives, and we all parted ways.......I told my therapist lke I sometimes feel like I’m sorta stuck in the past.......and that I would find it easier, and would love nothing more than to just let go of the past and start/begin anew.....And even though on some level that’s already what I’m doing now via going to therapy, making friends here on tumblr, I may still want to face old faces of my past and at the very least explain and owe them an apology, and maybe, just maybe pluck up the courage to reconnect with a few old friends (at the very least Lady Obi-Wan and a few others).  But we’ll see....dunno if I even ready to face that slew of confrontations. *sigh* ......Welp, If anything, I’ve learned a great deal from these past experiences, and I’ve personally vowed to at least try harder in trying to not distant myself, and to cherish and keep my current tumblr-friendships, here on tumblr, and any future friendships I make in the future (after all if there’s anything I value high above anything else it’s: friendship, camaraderie and loyalty), and I also vowed to never repeat the same mistakes (regardless of my anxiety/depression/issues telling me, to flee, or otherwise), lest I tarnish my word and may never be willing to forgive myself for betraying another set of friends.  

*Side-Note*: One thing I haven’t told my therapist yet, is that whenever my social anxiety/anxiety acts up (or when I’m having a hard time in expressing myself, especially verbally), it causes me to appear (in real-life): Snobbish, stand-offish, cold, or worse annoyingly pushy, and high-strung, .........and these are things/aspects of myself that I sometimes still have/behave as, but were waaaaaay more prevalent when I was a dumb-teenager, that tbh, I have never really liked and low-key hate about myself....And it is something that I’m consciously trying to work on and am trying to not appear or behave/act like that. 

I’ve told my Therapist that I’m writing down my experiences in therapy here on this Tumblr blog, and that I have a few online (tumblr friends)....She says that that is a good idea (in order to help keep track of my progress) and she sorta jotted down the name of the site: tumblr.....and I’m not gonna lie, but I sorta got low-ley nervous/paranoid about that.....but ah well. lol ^^;

*Things to Keep in Mind* She told me to keep going with my breathing exercises (there were a few days I’ve sorta forgot this past week, mostly cause of Jay’s Graduation/Me trying to find her the perfect gift...But I’ma try to stick with it regardless)....Oh, right and to try to write/jot down what situation I think is causing me to feel anxious/depressed/melancholy during the that moment. 

*sigh* Why do these always feel like it takes ages for me articulate, forge and to write.....probably cause I tend to overfocus/be hella meticulous about even the tiniest of details.....(need to learn how to chill and pace myself). meh xP

Anyways, I swear If I forgot anything else, which knowing me I probably did, I’ll try to remember to include it in the next therapy-session blog....My next session isn’t till June 19, so in the meantime, I’ll continue my “Letters to No One” Side Therapy- blogs, aka the blogs where I anonymously write letters to my old high school friends, mentors, or people I knew from the past but not actually send them (in order to vent, reminisce, letting go of the past, look back on fondly, decipher and figure out situations and myself from the past, etc). 

Links of my personal journey of going through therapy, & other personal things:

Therapy Blogs (My Main Journey of going through Therapy).

Letters to No One (Therapy Side-Blogs).

Tumblr Surveys (Personal stuff If You want to get know more about me).

Extra Links (If I’m not on Tumblr, I’m usually on here, so add me if you wish):

My Twitter

My Anime Page List 

Anyways, thanks for listening my dears! (^-^)b

And thank you two: @angelotics and @theamazingflyinglion  , for the moral support thus far, as well as for our lovely little chats, you guys have no idea how much they really help and mean to me *hugs you both* :)

- Lady Nevermore

[ellensroad]

Perspective.

I read through my blog the other day. Start to finish. It made me realise a lot of things. I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in so long. Please don’t think that I don’t still miss you. Of course I do. I still think a part of me died with you that day. But in the time that has passed, and so much time has passed, so much has happened. I have brought life to so many different parts of myself. I’ve achieved things that I don’t think I ever could have without working through such an intense loss. I’ve learnt so much about heartache, so much about loss, so much about grief. These are things that I wish I never had to learn, but life doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to choose your lessons, or the manner in which you learn them. You knew that already. I was too young to realise that life never works out the way you map it. I always thought that by the time I was 25, things would be so different than they are now. I thought I’d be a university graduate with more world travel under her belt. I thought I’d be madly in love with someone who adores every aspect of who I am. I thought I’d be on my way to marriage, ticking off all the things that you’re supposed to achieve in life to be deemed “successful”. But I’m successful in a different way. I’ve succeeded at forging a strength I never knew I had. I’ve learnt to love in a way that set my soul on fire. I’ve learnt the difference between hardships and challenges. I’ve learnt that even though life loves to kick you in the stomach when you’re already down, there is nothing that is stronger than me. I’ve learnt that my family will always come first.

Since I saw you last I’ve met so many people. I fell in love with a man. He was so amazing, Sarah. You would have liked him. I think you would have, anyway. Faye and Dad adored him. Mum was proud of me for finding someone that seemingly looked after me. Aunty Jane wanted me to get married and have babies. And Sarah, I loved him more than I thought I would ever love. That relationship didn’t work out. It was so good for about two years, but he moved away from work and I realised that I had gone ahead and poured my entire self into a relationship. As romantic as that is, it was something that I never wanted for myself. I didn’t want to be someone who existed soley to hold up another person. I remember the day he told me he was moving thousands of kilometres away. I remember there was this moment where something deep inside of me clicked. I knew that this wasn’t the man for me. This wasn’t the love that I would be telling my Grandchildren about. This wasn’t enough for a girl like me. I sat on my bed and I cried. I cried for longer than I care to admit. I was so mad at myself for letting someone in enough to hurt me in such a deep way, but working through losing you taught me that I needed to let myself be vulnerable in order to feel the love that I needed to heal. He was doing amazing things for himself, and me loving him the way that I did, I didn’t hesitate for a second to tell him to leave. He needed that move, he needed to work on his career and have a chance to really succeed. I knew it would make him happy, and all I have ever wanted for the people I loved is for them to be happy. So I let him go. But that’s not where our story ended. I refused to give up that easily. We worked at distance, and we had a really hard year. Every time we saw each other, we realised that our lives were no longer together. I put my life on hold for a while, thinking that maybe when he came back, he would still be my home. But he wasn’t. I couldn’t continue to put my life on hold for someone who would never do the same for me. So, I became my own home. I decided that I was the only person I could live for. And so, I left him.

I’m filling my life now with all the things that make me happy. And Sarah, I’ve never been happier. I have fallen so deeply in love with myself. I took all of the love I was so busy giving to everyone else in my life, and poured it into myself. I have come to realise that whilst life is still not done testing me, there are no challenges that come my way that I can’t cope with. Losing you taught me that. I know what true loss feels like. I understand despair. I know what it means to be truly lost, for life to feel void of meaning and light. I embraced the darkness that surrounded me, and in doing so, I found an incredible light. I set my own soul on fire now. I laugh with my friends, I love the time I spend with our family, I enjoy my own company. I go to the gym, I work really hard. I eat well and I try my best to look after myself. My bedroom is still always messy and sometimes I sleep in too late, but I said I was happy, not a entirely different person.

I read something that I wrote about three years ago. It was when I was at my worst. I was so full of grief that I had no room within myself for anything else. I was empty and had no motivation for life. I hated the girl I saw in the mirror. I thought that I was someone who wasn’t worth saving. I tried to take my own life, just so I could join you, but I failed. I’ve never been so glad to have failed at anything in my life. I have found so much meaning and goodness in life since that day. I’ve become someone that you would truly be proud of. I don’t regret any of the choices that I’ve made in my short life, because they have all lead me to become the woman I am on my way to being. She’s someone who’s really worth loving. She has a lot to offer this world, and can’t wait to see what else it has to teach her in the years to come.

I need you to know that I still think about you every day. I still have moments when you’re the only person I want to call. I wish with every part of my soul that I could share my life with you. I have accepted now that feeling will never leave me. I have let go of the guilt of being the one left behind, and in doing so, I set myself free. I have learnt that whilst my life is continuing on, it doesn’t mean I’m doing you wrong. I can honour you, I can miss you and grieve you without stopping my own life. I feel as though over the past six months my life is just starting again. I didn’t like the life I was leading and I was strong enough to make the changes I needed to in order to make it better. I like to think you’re at peace, rolling gently in the waves at the beach where we scattered your ashes. I visit you at least once a month. I sit and look at the rocks when we left you, I tell you about my life and I remember your beautiful smile and warm hugs, and I feel at peace. I was so lucky to have had such a wildly free spirit for 21 years of my life. I hope, wherever your soul is now, you can hear me whispering to you and you, too, are at peace. I’ll love you forever, sister. 

[abandonedshoppingtrolley]

My Thoughts on Final Fantasy XV

 This is a little late to the game now but it’s a long time coming for me to write my thoughts on it and I’ve decided to do it now because of well recent developments and announcements of future patches etc.

I made this a read more because it’s a little bit longer than I intended but yeah hopefully this is easier to read and stuff but there you go for those who care?

First off I want to note that I enjoyed Final Fantasy XV to me it was a pretty good game. Overall I’d give it 7/10 maybe 8/10 tops?? It really doesn’t deserve anything higher than that for me though I’m afraid mostly because it’s not incredibly groundbreaking. They haven’t incorporated anything hugely new to it? Everything within it has already been done, albeit in a different form but yeah.

First of The Characters:

Overall I have to admit I think the four guys were pretty awesome characters.

Noctis -  The sleepy, moody prince who wasn’t too into his duties as a prince. It sometimes felt like in the undertone that he had a feeling the only reason his friends were around (Mostly Gladio and Ignis) were simply tied to the fact that he himself was a prince, sadly that wasn’t explored... At all. His character through the story was admittedly written quite well, he starts off a mega sleepy prince, becomes enraged and continuously fueld by his emotions of wanting revenge and also being unable to cope with the loss of those around him. This doesn’t stop him from enjoying himself but it’s a big influence.

Gladiolus- He’s the big tough guy of the group, masculine, muscular the kind of guy who’d wear shorts during winter to prove how straight he is. Honestly I don’t have any qualms with his character! I think he was well written in remaining a good friend, bodyguard, true to himself and also unable to hold back his emotions, which was particularly made known when he became increasingly angry over Noctis’ self anguish over Luna’s death and how he became frustrated over him not showing any care towards Ignis becoming blind. The only problem I really have to find is his relationship with his sister. He worried over her situation, how she was etc when Insomnia was attacked and over the course of the game showed increasing concern over her well being EXCEPT the moment they met. There was almost nothing between them. He had a stronger relationship with his group of friends than he did with his little sister which they built up so much of.

Ignis - Being the calm and collected guy of the group he was mostly a tactical advisor and almost like a caregiver of sorts to both Noctis and Prompto, constantly advising them, cooking and being the most “adult” one of the group. Like with Gladio I really don’t have any qualms over his character? It was definitely interesting to see him go blind and how he coped with that situation too since that was something Final Fantasy hadn’t done before either.

Prompto - Good ol’Prompto! He felt like he was going to be the annoying character of the group with his witty one liners but honestly? He’s really just as awesome. I didn’t find him annoying one bit during the entirety of the game which was good. He’s a well written character who seemingly helps keep Noctis grounded since he doesn’t treat him like a prince but rather like a best friend which is both good for Noctis of course and good for us to see another side to them both. The only dig I have to make about him is his relation to magitek soldiers/demons. It wasn’t explained... At all? It felt like it was just thrown into the game for shock factor and then IMMEDIATELY dismissed and never brought up again? Maybe this was implied in the Brotherhood anime or Movie but regardless it should’ve been explained in game? I shouldn’t have to watch the anime or movie to really understand the story of the game itself, it should explain itself fluidly and properly without the need of extra content, because that’s there to be well just extra content?

Other Characters - You’re probably thinking “But Sam there are so many other characters you can’t shove them all into one category” well sadly I can because none of them are really fleshed out characters I’m afraid, dismissing Cindy and Cid of course who are for a better part of the game quite important. Sadly the others aren’t even though some of them should be. (looking at you Luna and Ravus). None of the extra characters have really been given much to them, they’re all rather 2-dimensional? Iris, Gladio’s sister who was given a good chunk of dialogue did interact quite well with the part and it was implied she liked Noctis and that she was a good friend to everyone within the 4 main characters HOWEVER it wasn’t fully explored? There were just underlying tones of what kind of relationship she has to everyone, as well as her feelings for Noctis sadly.

Luna, who is supposed to be an INCREDIBLY RELEVANT CHARACTER almost the same amount of importance as Noctis well what can I say, She seems strong, She seems defiant, She seems brave and She seems like she’s a kind and caring person who obviously cares deeply for both her family and close one’s. Do you see the problem here, if not re-read that again. Everything about her all I can really say is it SEEMS like because we don’t know her. We know parts of her through other people, JUST BARELY, but even then it’s not enough. We weren’t given the chance to truly get to know Lunafreya as a character and that honestly disappointed me because by the time we got to meet her she died. Her death had no impact on me what so ever. The only reason I was sad was because it made Noctis sad, and that’s not enough. That’s not good story telling because FFXV isn’t JUST about Noctis.

The same situation with Ravus he was actually supposed to, as you find out old some strong respect for Noctis he was just frustrated with what was happening to Luna (There were some documents I believe you had to find to find this out or something?). I honestly wish I could’ve felt more emotion for him because from it sounds like he seems like a caring older brother figure who also cares deeply for Noctis, sadly all we really see is an older brother who betrayed his nation, his sister and all those around him and stole Regis’ Armiger. I don’t feel sad about his end, he was forced to become a monster, a demon but I didn’t know him enough to well actually care? It disappointed me because I didn’t get that chance to build as strong a connection with him.

Moving on from Characters:

Overall the gameplay mechanics were really fantastic, the controls weren’t clunky everything flowed quite nicely but there was nothing that hadn’t really been done before if I’m honest? The graphics however to point out were ASTOUNDING They really outdid themselves the game is absolutely gorgeous there’s no denying that! The soundtrack too I found was a perfect fit for the game, they really outdid themselves on that ESPECIALLY Florence and the machines rendition of Stand by me, it fitted perfectly with the characters and the theme they were going through it truly, honestly impressed me.

The magic, elemancy as it’s called I did enjoy. I loved seeing how my magic affected my surroundings as well as having to think tactically since it could also affect my teammates especially in some closed off areas. I liked it, however it felt kind of boring apart from that? To put it simply magic in this game (casting aside the Luciis ring which is USELESS) is basically just a bomb. A bomb infused with magical energy that anyone can then use a set amount of times. It’s like an action game with grenades with different affects, some causing more fires or others being cryo related. So it kind of felt bland in that aspect, although the merging of elements for spells with items as well was quite enjoyable especially the way you could fuse in status effects. (Although let me tell you Quad/Quintcast is the way to go just saying). My second dig has to be the amount of elements available. There were three, Fire, Ice and Thunder WHICH has always been prominent within Final Fantasy so I can see why they’re there. But Final Fantasy 13 had not only those 3 included but water, earth and wind elements as well with the spells, water of course, aero and quake. So honestly I was sad to see them not throw them in too, which would’ve increased the amount of tactics at hand and the amount of elemancy fusing you could do, considering they had 2 astrals which were of earth (titan) and water (Leviathan).

Okay so moving on from that let’s get into the most important part of Final Fantasy XV, THE STORY, and whether that was good and concise or just random gibberish. Well honestly The story wasn’t too bad, you’ve got princey boy and his band of merry bro’s off to get him wed to the hot chick who’s loved by everyone for saving the world and speaking to the godly gods, but shit hits the fan when Insomnia falls to Imperial fleets and now the prince and his broski’s are on the run still aiming to be wed? Lots of things happen and they go on a quest for revenge reclaiming the old kings powers and the astral beings in order to gain the strength to smash those imperial asshole faces in. Sadly his father of course died as we find out AKA his prime reason for revenge but Luna dies too which cause even more tension in the group, Ignis goes blind, Gladio gets made, Prompto’s a magitek demon soldier boy??? And then there’s the weird guy who just keeps appearing every who “Surprisingly” Turns out to be the main antagonist. But of course before you can smash his face in Noctis gets eaten alive by the crystal, his friends have to flee from the demon spree and ten years scroll by. Out pops princey boy on an abandoned island which just so happens to have a boat docked, he sails off back to the once sunny resort reflecting on how the land itself has been blanketed by eternal night. He meets up with old pay’s at Cindy’s hammerhead garage place, meets the broski’s forges a plan, charges into Insomnia, kicks ass and saves the day by giving his life to the crystal or whatever and boom the sun comes out.

On a more serious not it was really kind of... clunky. There were moments it felt awkward and you questioned some of the choices the group actually made? There were also themes that felt too forced, like Prompto’s apparent super soldier ser- i mean demon serum birth thingy that again WAS NOT EXPLORED, was just thrown in for shock factor. I’m not gonna say it was all bad because I enjoyed it and they did very well in forging a strong bond between 4 friends who stuck through thick and thin with each other HOWEVER that’s all they did well story wise. They needed to fit more in, more explanation of the characters, more things to do with Iris, Cindy, Cid, Luna ESPECIALLY LUNA AND RAVUS. Cor was tossed to the side after they were through with him and then brought him back for one final hurrah in the middle. Aranea Highwind was given the bare minimum of an explanation but honestly we don’t know her, her story or who the hell she really is, she’s just a lady with a lance and lot of people who know she’s a buff bad bitch. The story felt empty, incomplete almost. I wanted more for the characters, I want more from chapter 13/14 I wanted to explore that ruined world. I didn’t want to just have my teammates just HAPPEN to get to me at the exact moment I’d appear. Why couldn’t my new mission have been to find and reunite with them in different parts of Eos, having to explore the world once again except ten years later after being covered in darkness, seeing places I once loved and thought were gorgeous covered in darkness, destroyed by demons. People I’d previously met who’d gone crazy, been killed changed etc. I wanted to see this “Iris the demon slayer”. There was still so much that could’ve been put in to Final Fantasy XV to not only make the story more concise and a more enjoyable experience, but to also add in more content to enjoy.

And finally moving on to the last bit DLC:

Okay first of all it’s nice to see them become active in making dlc content for this game it’s really good. I love the idea of the moogle carnival it was a great thing to throw in. I like the items they keep putting in too, new equipment etc which is honestly a thing most games do anyway. I’m also excited about the apparent Character chapters they were going to release for Gladio, Prompto and Ignis, having the chance to not only play as them but also learn more about them.

But... Some striking rumours, which are apparently confirmed have both shocked and horrified me. They’re working on patching into the game a better storyline... a better chapter 13 etc. WHY???

Stop beating a dead horse. The story has been told you CANNOT just change it on a whim because you want it to be good, that’s like an author publishing a book and then telling everyone who bought it it’s not good enough and he wants to rewrite a few chapters. If you do that whatever I’ve played right now, is basically irrelevant because I don’t know what you’re planning on changing?

The stories been told, leave it at THAT. The point of dlc is to bring in EXTRA CONTENT, extra chapters, items, sidequests etc NOT TO CHANGE THE ORIGINAL STORY BEING TOLD!!!!!!!!!! Regardless of whether it’s not changing it but rather just trying to “improve” it, it’s already been told END OF STORY!!!

Rather than focusing on FFXV’s story, which has already been done, either focus your efforts on the dlc content, other games square enix has in the works OR even more importantly how you’re going to improve your content IF you decide to make a Final Fantasy XVI. The last comment, what I mean is just understanding what they did right and what they did wrong with XV and making sure not to make the same mistakes with future games. That’s what’s important to me right now, that’s what I’m committed into as a person who loves Final Fantasy and the many world’s and characters it holds. I want to see the developers, the content creators committing themselves to bettering their own abilities and making sure not to cause the same mistakes, the same crap that happened in XV. That’s what’s important to me after this, not some changing in story crap.

Side Note: It’d also be great if, I know they like having super complex story lines but if they went back to basics, have a basic story line that’s easy to follow and not too complicated. A game can be amazing without a hugely complex story line, just look at some of the indie games that have had break throughs too!