#'get a therapist' yeah so true ok

[gaygerwig]

ccan’t imagine anything worse than downloading tinder but also i need a crush to get me through my daily life. it’s just how i live. i survive on the nutrients of crush. did god ever think of that when i ended my relationship and then my situationship within the course of two weeks and mvoed to a new country. 

[bunnihearted]

.

[ask-the-rag-dolly]

ok the askbox is open. im taking this opportunity to say ohhhhh im going crazy over the narrative constructed here. specifically with how audience (anon) interaction is intertwined with the main conflict.

because its like.. we are inherently a BAD THING. yes, some of us are actually malicious, but even if we do have kind intentions, and only want the best for ragatha.. just being there is a negative impact that outweighs any positives. we are a parasite, after all. and technically, the only positive action we could do is to simply.. stop engaging. leave the askblog alone. leave ragatha alone. except we could never do that, because we're too curious now, too attached- we want to see how the story continues, how it ends. we cant leave well enough alone, we just have to know. we need to know. so the cycle will continue nonetheless due to our nature. and we have to watch as our main character, the person we're rooting for, gets worse and worse. knowing that its our fault, because we're choosing to engage. we're choosing this path of pain. because we're curious, and that curiosity would kill us if we didn't feed it.

and of course its on a tadc tumblr ask blog of all things lol. no hate btw. im here enjoying it after all! though honestly i say that like this had any opportunity of existing outside of the askblog genre... or even the tumblr landscape itself- i feel like the anon feature itself is also a big part of this sort of narrative, as it allows those actively malicious anons to be even nastier. because it distances us from our actions. like.. we're given a mask, something that obscures our true identities (both to the other askers.. and to ragatha to an extent, as most all look the same to her. who knows, maybe that one supportive anon trying to cheer her up is the same one also encouraging her downfall! she cant tell!)- a thing that wipes our hands free of any consequences. a chance to become faceless and untraceable- so of course some people will indulge. be as horrible as possible. because, hey, its not like you'll be getting any consequences for it! no way to trace it back to you! no way to be held accountable! you can just sit back and watch the fire you made grow higher. more bright. thats the main goal, after all- to make a spectacle! to move the story along and make it exciting! thats the only thing that matters to you. that its entertaining. not the people you'll be harming in the process.

anyways sorry for the fucking. essay. in your askbox. i like talking and also i fucking love dissecting meta-aligned narratives like this. gggrrggrgrgrrrr chewing on this blog like a chewtoy. i hope everyone gets worse and this whole blog blows up!!!!!!!

i can't stop giggling at ' its on a tadc tumblr ask blog of all things ' . this was really originally supposed to just be a silly blog with little story but here we are . you really won't get this anywhere else

i get pretty happy when someone dissects this silly thing so no need to apologize !! i'm my own harshest critic when it comes to this blog so it's often difficult for me to grasp what meaning people get out of this lol truly thank you guys for wanting to see my insane , Unhinged ideas come through

and i love the dissection on the mean anons - a lot of this thing hinges on actions having consequences after all ! every little thing will have an impact on ragatha's mental state . i'll say i think the anons have potential to not be as harmful - as there was a point in the blog's time where they acted more like inner therapists to ragatha than reality-bending beings of chaos ( good times ) . it just really depends on being patient with an actually mentally ill person like ragatha - it does fascinate me how people's frustration with her echoes real life mental health situations .

but yeah thanks !!! i'll be kissing this essay and pinning it on the refrigerator that i call my brain (:

[justmeinadaze]

"I'm Just a F**ked Up Girl Looking For Her Own Peace of Mind"

I'm currently experience this and struggling with it so I wrote a little thing here. *sighs*

TW: Mental health (anxiety and depression), child abuse, mentions of suicidal thoughts. Reader has a breakdown and the guys help her through.

Eddie firmly barreled open the front door as he powerwalked into the house. Steve had texted those two words he dreaded every time he got a text from the former jock. 

“Bad day.”

When they started dating you, you told them about your past. About the hospital stay and medication… the depressive lows and manic anxiety episodes… the thoughts that pushed through your head from time to time even though your life was so much better now than where it had been. 

“I’m not…easy…to be with.”

“That’s ok, honey, neither are we.”

You three had laughed at that at the time. 

The first time they experienced it broke their hearts for you. People always mentioned “feeling depressed” or “oh I’m so anxious about this thing!” but they discovered the true meaning of those words during your first break in front of them.

They hadn’t moved in with you yet so you were able to hide the fact that you hadn’t been sleeping. Your mind constantly reminding you of things that needed to be done and how you were a failure for not doing them. Nightmares plagued your dreams at all hours so you just gave up, scrolling through your phone instead as the mental illness continued to whisper.

“Do better. You’re lazy. May as well just get it over with and end the burden you put on people.”

That following evening you had a date night with them at their place and you couldn’t cancel. You genuinely wanted to see them but you were so tired…

“A good girlfriend goes out on dates. Go ahead. Cancel. Let’s see how quick they leave you for someone better.”

Through the first half of the movie they put on, your leg never stopped moving. Steve watched as your eyes never stayed focus in one place. Eddie felt your erratic energy radiate off you as you switched from holding his hand to letting go every few minutes. 

“Baby? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah.”, you responded a bit too enthusiastically. “Yeah, Ed, I’m fine. I’m just…I’m just a bit tired. It’s ok. I’ll get over it.”

Steve paused the film and as his hand petted your head you broke down. 

“I’m sorry. Fuck! Why can’t I be normal?! I’m ruining everything. You should just leave me and find someone better.”

“Hey, hey. No. Sweetheart, no one is better than you.”

“Talk to us, honey. What’s going on?”

You sobbed as you told them what had been happening over the last few days. The listened intently, comforting you anyway they could think of in that moment. 

“They don’t go away, Steve. Those thoughts never go away. Most days I can manage them but they are always there. W-Who can I tell? If I tell a therapist or a doctor they will put me back in the hospital even though I’m not going to do anything… I can’t tell my friends because I feel like I’m burdening them or they just don’t care. I can’t tell people in general because then I’m being ‘overdramatic’. I can’t take time to heal because I’m supposed to ‘suck it up’. So I do… Eddie, I want my brain to just stop telling me I want to die because I really don’t. Some days, though, on bad days…it’s so loud…”

The metalhead yanked you to his chest as you cried, crying with you as he tightened his grip as if he could squeeze all your broken pieces back together. He’d give anything to take your pain away, they both would. 

Today was a manic day and Steve picked up on it fast. Today was his day off and as soon as you woke up, you barely said a word. He asked you if you wanted breakfast and you shot him an angry look as you walked away. Turning on the tv, he put on the game but after a few minutes you came around the corner snapping at him to turn the noise down. Even when he muted the sound, he could hear you growling and swearing under your breath as you moved around the bedroom. 

Other people would see it as you being a brat; causing drama for the sake of drama. 

You wished you could make the world understand that was the opposite of what you wanted. In an episode like this everything was just…amplified…and for some reason your brain insisted it was on purpose. Steve was purposely turning up the volume to get under skin. The birds chirping outside knew you were on the edge so they gathered outside your window with intent. Even the clock on the bed side table was mocking you. 

Both men tried to handle days like this by themselves but when it got to a certain point, they knew they needed to come together to help you. That point came when you abruptly screamed and threw something hard against the wall. 

When Eddie entered the bedroom, Steve was off to the side watching you as you angrily paced, fluttering your fingers with eyes squeezed tightly closed. 

“What happened?”

Your eyes open at the sound of his voice as you shrugged and threw your hands in the air. 

“What happened? What the fuck happened?! Oh, I don’t know. Where do we start, Eddie?! This house is a fucking mess. I tell you guys all the time I need fucking help! I’m not a maid! I’m your girlfriend! But who fucking cares right?! We can just live in trash and be unhappy!”

They knew better than to respond. Before you three moved in together, you had suggested they come to therapy with you and they were surprised with some of the things they learned. They and even you knew they were more than accommodating when it came to housework and splitting household chores. When you were growing up, however, it was never enough.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, look at this mess! Did you do anything today?!”

Little you looked around at the immaculate living room wondering what else you could have missed. 

“I work and I slave all day at a job I hate so you can have food and a roof! The least you could do is fucking get off your ass and clean a bit!”

“I-I’m sorry, mama.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just do your job! We’re a team remember? I need you to pull your weight.”

They could almost see interactions like that replaying through your eyes and it killed them. They also saw how fast the logic brain took over as you realized what you were doing before the depressive brain abruptly took over.

“I’m sorry. I-I don’t mean to… I know I’m being crazy…I just…” You lean your back against the wall and slide to the floor with your hands over your ears. 

Both men descend with you, crawling closer to you and as soon as Steve’s hand touches your bicep you head shoots up with eyes full of tears. 

“I’m sorry. You two don’t deserve this. I’m a terrible girlfriend.”

“No, baby, you’re not terrible. Everything’s ok.”

“I-I-I appreciate…e-e-every…everything you guys do. Fuck. Everything is so loud, Eddie. I can’t… I couldn’t…I just wanted to scream…”

“Then scream.” You laughed at his response as you wiped your eyes but he insisted. “I’m serious, sweetheart. Just let go.”

“What about…about the neighbors?”

“Like they don’t get an earful almost every night.”, he jokes, grinning when you laugh again. “Go ahead. Just lean back and let loose.”

You roll your eyes as you do what he says but it’s a small shout that barely echoes in the room. 

“Wow. That was both adorable and pathetic. Come on now. Steve, why don’t you try?”

Chuckling, he struggles to stop smiling making you giggle harder before finally closing his eyes and letting out a good scream that makes the metalhead clap. 

“That’s the king of Hawkins right there! Now try again princess.”

Sighing at his antics, you do as he says actually letting go while they scrunch their face and cover their ears. 

“Woo! That was like Banshee from X-Men! Way to go!”

“What about you, nerd?”, you ask as he smirks.

Eddie doesn’t even hesitate as he leans his head back and howls loudly like a wolf. 

“I love you both.”, you softly grin as you reach for both boy’s hands. “I’m sorry for being…me.”

Wrapping his arms around your shoulders, Steve tilts you closer to him and kisses the top of your head. 

“Don’t ever apologize for being you, honey. We love you. Every part of you.”

“We know everyday you’re trying, baby. Unlike your mother who insists on being an evil little gremlin.” You giggle at Eddie’s interpretation. “Like your wizard of a therapist said, healing takes time and we’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“Jesus, Munson, you ARE a nerd.”, Steve jests. “But the other stuff he said I agree with.”

“Oh please! Tell me her doctor doesn’t sound like Gandalf from time to time.”

“I still have no idea who that is.”

After rising to his feet, the metalhead grabs your hands and pulls you off the floor. 

“Well, I know what we’re doing tonight.”, he announces with a mischievous smirk before kissing your lips and running back towards the living room. 

“I’ll make dinner.”, Steve murmurs as he leans down to kiss your lips as well. 

“Oh, you know he won’t allow that. He’s going to want you in front of the tv so you don’t miss anything.”

“True. Hm. How about Enzos delivered?”

When you nod, he caresses your cheek before disappearing after his friend. 

As your eyes glance around the room again everything seems different than it did before. Instead of seeing a mess ridden, dark empty area, you saw a bright room filled with memories of the men you loved making you laugh and feel loved unconditionally. 

“But for how long? It’s only a matter of time.”

“No, it’s not.”, you whisper. 

Taking a deep breath, you head towards the living room where Eddie and Steve greet you with a comforting smile. 

[silverheartlugia2000]

DCXDP prompt

Ok, so there's plenty of Danny laying low or freaking out about the no meta rule, but I have this CRAVING of someone for once just explaining it to him? Like whoever bird or birds he's talking to just leans in and whispers "Wanna know a secret? That's mostly just a mind control precaution. I mean would you want to see Supes jacked up on fear gas? If the league do come over he prefers to be called first so he's close if something happens."   

Danny- "Oh... yeah that makes sense actually, that shit isn't fun to be under.."

"Wait is THAT why you have that string of robberies on your record?!"

"That and the time my whole town got possessed in order to make me look bad and get arrested.."

The bird then drags Danny into the cave to open Bruce's file on him, and they both sit down and fill in the gaps on the shadier spots of his record. Heck Danny eventually gives Bats a few thermoses and other less harmful but still disabling device blueprints to add to the contingency file cause even if Dan is in therapy and on probation he knows his shit luck will probably make it needed sooner rather than later and he knows how fast it will go bad.

It comes in very handy at the next gala when Vlad attempts to have a duplicate overshadow Bruce who refuses to take his business propositions. Vlad gets nosey before Danny pulls up his king rights and makes vlad take an Oath (the magic binding kind) to not mess with Bruce or his family or reveal any of their super identities to anyone at all. Constantine is there beforehand to read over the contract and outthink any loopholes before vlad can take advantage of them.

Danny gives them samples of ecto-dejecto for medical emergencies, the Bat's keep them refreshed and in stock especally after they meet Ellie and hear about her stability problems. With help from Frostbite and Danny's ok they start working on a more reliable formula just for Ellie's sake.

Yes Jason is calmer around the halfas and he is slowly stabilizing enough form a proper core from it, (not an instant fix this time!) whether hes becoming a true halfa, more towards a remnant, or both they arent sure. But one night when the phantoms arent around Jason is having a bad time, reacting from something he was hit with during a fight. Tim just grabs one of the ecto-pens on a whim and it just flushes out the toxin so fast Jay passes out. When he wakes up his core has had a good growth spurt, its still not complete yet but he's beginning to get some minor abilities, the Phantom sibs start coaching him before it gets strong enough for Jason to turn completely intangible and if Jay starts complaining? Clockwork whisks them ALL up to the tower for a home movie night of Danny's greatest fails. Grampa has a collection, good and bad XD. Yes Danny is cringing in shame while eating Clockwork's ecto cookies but Jason is slowly starting to understand the importance of getting the basics right cause he does NOT want to accidentally sink completely under the ground without being able to get back out no thank you!!

What core type would he get anyway? Shadow's like Johnny because of the stealth perks? Earth to prevent being buried again? Would he have literature as a secondary obsession cause obviously he's gonna follow Danny into the family/protection category but since Danny also has a space obsession why not?

He puts Jazz's name in the list of superhero safe therapists, the fact she's already making waves at Arkam is only boosting her reputation. Especially once they read her paper on ghost obsessions and how sometimes they are comparable to hyper-fixations in autistics in the way they both satisfy and promote healthy growth for a ghosts physical and mental state but also how being deprived of them or forced to go against them can be severely harmful to their literal health.

And that was one thing the birds kept tripping on to understand whenever they needed to bench one of the halfas but they would end up just hovering around NEEDING to be helpful no mater how much they are told to go back to bed. They also get a whole new understanding on what happened to Dan cause yeah his whole timeline is based on loosing his family and retaliating out of grief.

So from then on the halfas are allowed to help with little tasks as long as they do not strain their recovery at all. Whenever Danny gets sickly and depressed they take him up to the watch tower, Ellie gets lessons in different languages so she can interact more when they let her join them on international trips, Jason gets set loose in a newly discovered bookstore when the manor's or Bab's library isn't enough, and Dan.. they're still figuring him out but he seems to enjoy wrecking little play city set ups and games where you play as the monster like Godzilla or Rampage along with general ghost sibling rough housing. (Lilo and Stitch is his favorite movie but you'd be hard pressed to get him to admit it,)

As for ships, definitely anger management. Jason becomes an unofficial fourth Phantom sib. Platonic everlasting trio cause Danny loves his friends and they will pet him like a cat for hours while his tail coils around them possessively like a giant snake and still make memes of it when he's grumpy. Brain dead is fun also, especially if Danny or the others are capable of Little Baby Man form and Tim has to fight Damian for cuddle rights! Bats has his usual girls but hey superman isn't that bad to hang around either.

[seawardboundsammy]

started writing in between classes and im deeply obsessed with orpheus parallels with ortega/chargestep so have this. warning for ortega being inebriated and wanting to die.

Time to rise Orpheus. The day breaks and you with it. 

(I don’t want to. Don’t make me.)

That’s not an option. Get up Orpheus. 

(I have no legs. I have no hands.)

You will be repaired, doll of lyres. 

(I don’t want to be. I want to lay here and die.) 

Scio, sweetheart. 

(Will I see her again?)

Only on her deathbed. 

(I don’t think I can do this anymore.)

You will. 

Get up Orpheus. 

Get up Orpheus.

Get up-

“Ortega! Get down from there!”

Chen pulls you off the ledge of the building you guess you were climbing over. You're not really sure. 

You’re downstairs now. Your arm is over Chen’s shoulders. 

“-tega! What did you drink? Can you even hear me?” 

You’re nauseous.

You’re not nauseous anymore. 

“Ok that’s. That can be someone else’s problem, come on.” 

He lifts you once more. He’s good at that. He does is a lot when you fuck up or do something stupid which is always cause you’re a poor excuse for man. 

You snuggle into the passenger seat of his car. It’s cozy, it smells like him. You don’t smell good. 

“Drink this.” He says. He tips your head back and water pours into your mouth.

You do your level best to not choke.

You’re on the wrong side of your couch. This is Eurydice’s spot, not your’s.

Sidestep. Sidestep’s spot.

You shake your head, the smallest bit of clarity returning to your vision and mind. Chen has pulled a chair from the kitchen to sit in front of you. His expression swims but you think he’s concerned. Not a clue why.

“So. ‘Never gonna drink again?’” You spit onto the carpet and he grimaces. 

“Don’t know what you expect from someone like me. When’s my word ever meant shit?” You wonder if you could get him to punch you.

“You- I’m not entertaining this. You need to get your shit together.” He doesn’t say ‘before you end up dead’, but you hear it anyway. Or maybe that’s you saying it.

You let your head tip back over the couch. He wants you to try. You don’t know how. 

Yes you do. Rise from your corner. 

But you’re already so far gone.

Then go all the way. Pursual when you cannot see your target is what you do best. Find them.

They’re not dead. 

No.

They’re dead.

Not to you. 

I already failed them.

Then fail again. 

Isn’t the definition of madness trying the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome?

No, that’s a misconception. And anyways, when has that ever stopped you before?

Fair. 

Now tell him something so he doesn’t send you to a madhouse. 

You look back at Chen. His clenched teeth twist his scars on his lips and his hands are clasped together so tight you swear you hear the creak of metal. You slump forward, uncoordinated, and put one of your hands on his. 

“I’ll tell my… therapist,” the word is still a rock in your mouth, “about. This.” You’re not sure if you mean the drinking or the climbing. 

That’s not true.

Yeah well fuck you I’m not getting sent to a madhouse. I’m not crazy.

Then what’s this?

“That’s good.” Chen breathes out in a long relieved sigh. “That’s good.” 

You tug him off the chair and into a hug. You know he can feel your heartbeat through your shirt, and you know he needs that. 

Out of his view you stare daggers into the wall. You’re determined (for now). You have to find them again.

Miles to walk Orpheus. 

And promises to keep.

And promises to keep.

[betelgeusing]

righteous gemstones finale thoughts roundup spoilers galore

Peter Montgomery being the shortest person in his family was an inspired choice, Steve Zahn in his villain era hell yeah (he was also so good in George and Tammy recently)

Always surprised by how much genuine love and tenderness Jesse seems to have for his wife and children, as clumsily as he expresses it

But for real Jesse finally pulling ahead of Simkins by taking responsibility and going to get his family members safe (and trusting Gideon to help him do more than he could alone) was a great end to his character arc this season

(He appears to have been that way since he was a teenager?? cute. Jesse for sleeper favorite of the season honestly)

(Speaking of teen Jesse, the interlude episodes really show how badly Eli and Aimee Leigh failed their children. Giggling about how Judy's therapist would have to deal with her in the future instead of TRYING TO HELP IN THE PRESENT, for example. they are wonderful characters to watch, and it's nice that Eli is bonding with Gideon now, but they fully neglected raising their children in favor of their careers and it's WILD that Eli acts baffled that his kids as adults are a fucking mess)

Plague of locusts WILD choice though. Like OK we'll just accept that it happened I guess

Stephen Dorff was underused. Shea Whigham too but his character seemed like more of a cameo to begin with. Dorff could have been the primary villain instead of just popping in early and then late. Oh well, I guess they did the rival megachurch pastor last season so it would have felt too repetitive

I would love to see more characters like May May everywhere. She was so well written and performed

Comparisons to Succession are valid and idk maybe it seems like the Gemstones get off too lightly, but I think the core sweetness to the show makes it what it is and distinguishes it. You know the Roys are always going to end up at odds; you know the Gemstones are always going to end up united. Ofc they're equally shitty/crooked people to everyone not part of their families, but then, they're different shows with very different tones

I would be lying if I said I wouldn't watch Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers. Tiffany tearing it UP on the piano

also the way Baby Billy is with Chuck and Karl is the most precise depiction of how it feels when you have to watch your maternal and paternal extended family members interact with each other I've ever seen

(Bisexual Baby Billy confirmed?? Though I'm not sure anyone was asking for it)

BJ Judy matching outfits FOREVER

Keefe and Kelvin beat the queerbaiting allegations I HAD FAITH . they are GLOWING in the last episode. (Keefe's distaste for Taryn from EPISODE ONE is also hysterical. Jealousssssss)

Keefe's outfits are the best in the show sorry BJ sorry Judy you guys ran a tough campaign but it's true

The variations on the word "daddy" in the last few episodes are killer. Specifically Jesse's almost-whispered "datty" and the way the Gemstone siblings tell Baby Billy "you are NOT my daddy, boy"

"Daddy-boy" making MULTIPLE appearances as a disrespectful reference to Eli lmfao (and Jesse calling him "Elijah" for the 5 minutes he was pissed at him)(also Jesse being mad at Chuck for all of an hour before forgiving him. He's simply not built for grudges)

Aimee Leigh final shot shmaltzy? Maybe but I will take every excuse to see Jennifer Nettles in the role again <3

[foggyparadisecandy]

On Tackling Low Self-Esteem

Anyone who's been tuning in to my blog over the last few months knows that I've struggled with a poor self-image forever and a day.

[Thanks mom and dad for being righteous bastards!]

But I've also been working on it in very focused ways and ... surprising to me ... things have started to shift in a positive direction. I'll share a few things that have worked for me - and maybe some of you will benefit too.

Everyone is different ofc so ymmv.

Also as a word of warning: this shit is fucking hard. It's painful as hell because it requires me to question nearly every last thought, belief, and emotion that goes through my head. Some times it's so fucking maddening and exhausting and I'm super emotional these days.

But ... as I said ... it is starting to shift things for me. I'm not feeling the burning desire for external validation any more (as much). I'm not feeling like I need to be a people pleaser (as much). I'm not afraid of rejection or abandonment (as much).

I'm still working on it so I don't want anyone to think I'm some expert. And I'm certainly not a therapist. If you are really suffering, please seek professional help. My heart goes out to you.

THE FOUNDATION

Everyone always says "be kind to yourself" and "be compassionate." I've heard that a million times and it has never stuck until my therapist explained something important to me:

My dysfunctions are because my childhood identity was taught to act in certain ways before I had a logical brain to make sense of the horrible shit heaped on me by my parents. Read that again. For me, it was the key to all my progress.

Before I would get so ANGRY at myself for not learning lessons or doing the wrong things all the time or ... whatever. Now, I say, "it's ok, Foggy. Your inner child was taught coping strategies and you simply need to catch them and relearn them. Those things are deep inside you and it's going to take work. You are ok. You are a good person."

When we are kids and are exposed to trauma (in my case, an absentee alcoholic father and a mother who switched between obsessive love and literally "I'm going to drive this car into a tree at a hundred miles per hour and kill us all" - fun fun fun), our brains don't know how to process it. We create and lock in strategies for SURVIVAL. It gets hard-wired into us.

So ... yeah ... be kind to yourself and be compassionate to yourself. Because you are working against deep programming and it's going to take a while. Your subconscious is FUCKING UP YOUR SHIT because it learned to do what it had to for survival.

AVOID ABSOLUTES

"I always fuck things up."

"I never learn."

"People always disappoint me."

"I'm always going to be alone."

Nah. Untrue. None of those absolutes are true. And if you catch yourself using those words, you are, in essence, programming your own destiny of sadness.

My hypnosis experience tells me that ... we don't need inductions to program suggestions. Repetition does realllllllll well.

So when you say or think those absolute statements, you might think you are stating a simple fact about your life. But in reality, you are telling your subconscious COMMANDS. And you repeat them enough, well, fuck yeah it's going to become your reality.

Think about it a bit. And next time you catch yourself saying absolutes, do your best to soften them.

"I always fuck things up." -> "I fucked up this time." -> "I made a mistake and I'm going to learn from this, the best I can."

"I never learn." -> "This is a tough thing to learn." -> "Ok, I see what I did here. Next time, I'm going to do it different, the best I can."

etc. etc. Work on them. Shift them, transform them, transform your programming.

CHANGE YOUR TALK TRACK

Related to the above stuff, if you are going to program yourself, use powerful positive words. And if you can't believe the BIG STUFF, start small.

"I do my best."

"I work hard at things."

"I am surviving."

"I can count on myself in a jam."

"I have overcome horrible childhood trauma. I'm a survivor."

etc.

Look, friend ... if you've made it this far, you have gone through some real shit, right? You wouldn't be reading about fixing low self-esteem unless you had low self-esteem. So I'm guessing you've had some fucked up shit heaped on you.

And look at you go. You are still here. You are putting one foot in front of the other. You are capable of amazing things.

It might sound trite but I don't think so. NGL, I'm attracted to traumatized people. My therapist says trauma inflicted people can smell trauma on others and we feel bonds instinctively. I think that's true. And I've met a shit ton of hurting people and one thing that is universal: we're all strong and capable.

Examine your life and feel the truth of that. Start with that as your positive vibe to build upon. You are a survivor. You are capable of surviving. You are strong.

WATCH THE STORIES YOU TELL YOURSELF

I find that not everyone tells themselves stories about situations, people, and things. I do so this one hits me hard time and time and time again.

An example: someone I like or love doesn't text me back in a "reasonable time" (if it's someone I really love, reasonable time is immediately lol), I will start to wonder things. For those of you who don't suffer from this, this is going to sound ... nutty.

"I guess they don't like me any more."

"What did I do wrong?"

"I'm such a fuck up."

"They left me. I'm always going to be alone."

That’s pretty much spot on how it goes. And I'm guessing some of y'all are reading this and nodding your head.

The spiral goes deep and it happens fast over the smallest thing.

It could be a look someone gives you. Or they didn't laugh at a joke. Or they forget your birthday. Or they didn't remember that thing you told them a week ago that was important to you.

The stories we tell ourselves are so so so cruel. I still struggle with these. I get high anxiety and fear as my mind starts spiralling.

I'm learning to pause when I start telling myself a negative story about someone else, no matter how "true" the story seems. And ... fr fr fr ... THEY ALWAYS SEEM TRUE!!!!

I pause. I say ... what if there are other reasons at play? Maybe they didn't text back because they are busy? Maybe their phone is dead? Maybe they are in the car and can't text and drive? Maybe ... a million other things that have ZERO to do with me and my worth as a human being.

Because odds are ... that is what's happening.

And if not? If something is legit wrong in the relationshp? Well shit ... going into sad death spiral gloom and doom mode isn't helping anyone with anything. You know what does help? COMMUNICATION.

"Hey, I feel like we've been a bit distant lately. I wanted to check in to make sure everything is ok?"

"I want you to know that I've been feeling a bit of anxiety and want to talk through things. Can we do that?"

"You didn't text me back for a few days, and it made me very anxious. Is everything ok?"

You need to find the things for the specific situation but the right people are going to be ok with honest and open communication. If it scares them off, well, shit ... this is super hard for me to say lol but ... it's ok to let people go if they don't want to be authentic and don't want to deal with you being authentic.

But dial back your stories. Pause them. Remember the world doesn't revolve around you and if they didn't notice your hair cut, it doesn't mean the world has ended and they hate you. They have a million things going on in their life and I bet if you say "so what do you think of my new hair cut?", they will engage on it.

I've got more but ... this is already a lot.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Seriously. You are so strong and capable and you've come so far and faced so much hardship. You deserve someone to take care of you and ... that person you deserve is you.

Take care of you first. People have told me that for a long time and I never understood it.

It's so easy to care for others and be kind to others.

Turn that inwards. You got this.

[system-of-a-feather]

this probably isn't what you meant when you said people could ask you about late stage recovery stuff, but i really have no idea where/who else to ask, so i hope this is okay

so i relate a lot to how people describe their own experiences with functional multiplicity (and to some degree final fusion as well, but to a lesser degree), but i've never been in any kind of actual treatment for anything. i'm not sure if i could have DID or another dissociative disorder at all (they aren't really seen as real by psych professionals in my country, so can't be assessed), but i know i experience myselves as more than one and people i've discussed it with irl don't really understand it at all.

so i was wondering if maybe you had any thoughts to what that could be..? i doubt it could be DID since no treatment and if i even have ptsd it's very mild, but i also know my experiences aren't normal and i haven't seen anyone but late stage recovery DID systems describe anything similar

i hope it is ok to ask, you seem knowledgeable and i have no idea where else to ask. thank you for reading

I might be saying a bit of an unpopular opinion to the online community here and might get shot in the foot for it (unfortunately, but I don't care really) but I don't think you have to pathologize it if you don't find benefit to it.

What I mean is largely just that it doesn't have to inherently be DID or a dissociative disorder to experience yourself as more than one and if you aren't experiencing distress from it, there is no real need to put a medical label on it. There is a lot of rhetoric about complex dissociative disorders being the only real way to experience one's self as more than one because DID is almost exclusively seen as a result of trauma - but that's just not true if SOLELY on the fact that the experience of being one or many in a largely subjective experience and a way of how one likes to look at themselves.

There is no real valid way to accurately measure "perception of multiple selves" because biological approaches ignore the actual and practical reports of individuals and self reports ignore the real biological underpinnings of things like DID and all. And thats a lot of jargon to say "No real study can properly examine the whole breath of human experiences across cultures and biological backgrounds through all research perspectives" and just that you really shouldn't sweat people saying XYZ is unscientific cause BOTH sides will say that and BOTH sides are equally right and wrong depending on your research perspective.

That said, if it is causing you distress or posing you problems, I do strongly recommend talking about it with a therapist. Yeah some can be a bit rough around the edges and the overall mental health system still kinda sucks, but really any therapist you can develop a good rapport with should be able to help you navigate it all from the place you currently are.

Either way, (and I apologize if this is a bit disorganized, I'm in the car and my fiance is sometimes talking to me as I type so it breaks my train of thought) my personal opinion and thought on the matter is that unless its causing you distress, I don't think you really need to stress about what exactly the "not normal" experience is cause "not normal"...

1) Doesn't exist cause "normal" doesn't really exist and the concept of normality, in my opinion, does little other than promote conformity and shame. (Plus in America its used to push white colonizer perspective and ideas on more subjective things like gender, experiences of self etc; experiencing yourself as more than one is actually not entirely abnormal in some cultures and I'd argue that as a Buddhist, experiencing yourself as more than one is an uncommon but absolutely normal experience)

2) Your experiences aren't defined by the labels and research of other people. Your experiences are defined inherently by how you experience them and labels are there to serve to describe you experiences, not the other way around. Same thing goes for research. Research exists to explain odd phenomenon, not to tell people that their experiences are wrong. Research should adapt to include things that don't fit in, not demands that said outliers change to fit the model / theory.

3) As long as there is held respect that your experiences of being more than one might not be the same as someone whose experiences of being more than one comes from complex trauma and/or a complex dissociative disorder, then I see little harm in just, ya know, existing as you naturally do.

I am hesitant to say "endogenic / plurality community might help you find similar people and navigate finding a label if that is important to you" cause I don't actually interact too much with the community myself and I have heard about some toxicity from there (don't touch sophie or cambrian), but I think it could be helpful with some caution.

Anyways, I am having trouble organizing my thoughts cause Im in the car and all so I'll leave it here. Feel free to ask away if you want to add anything or need clarification on my thoughts on this or whatever.

[legendheroes]

So a lot of you guys are being called reckless and hotheaded, so which one of you is most likely to just charge into battle with no plan and who will first come up with a plan

Tagiru: 'A lot of us are hot-blooded and reckless' ? Are you sure, because I don't see anyone like that here...

[Everyone glances at Tagiru]

Tagiru: It's me, right? I'm the one who takes charge into the battle without thinking twice, right?

Daisuke: Well... Yeah? I don't get it either, but the only true hot-blooded and reckless ones here are you...

Tagiru: ...

Daisuke: ... and Takki.

Takuya: Whoa wait a minute! Weren't ya the type to charge into action WITHOUT a plan, Dai?!

OG Taichi: True, but... Daisuke's older now and he's mature enough to not do that anymore.

Tagiru: He did jump into action in my dream though...

Daisuke: It was a dream!! And no, I'm not hot-blooded. Reckless? Maybe. But Hot-Blooded-ness is more of a Takki and Tagiru thing.

OG Taichi: True, you're way more chillier than them and Masaru.

Masaru: ?

OG Taichi: The hot-blooded part, not the reckless one.

Daisuke: ANYWAY

Daisuke: Taiki, Haru and Hiro are the ones to come up with better plans than the rest of us, right?

Tagiru: How about Takato-san?

Daisuke: He's in the middle of 'being reckless' and 'making a plan' I guess.

Takato: Haha... True... 💧

Takuya: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure, yeah go ahead and try to not mess with the one who can simply end everyone's lives with the ire of a god-tier digimon.

Daisuke: No, I really mean it! Takato is like a balanced example of how to be reckless AND make a plan before things go south!

Hiro: So, does it mean you're around the 'make a plan' team too?

Daisuke:

Takuya: I don't think Daisuke thought about where he is placed in the chart, guys.

Daisuke: ............ Yeah, I guess I'll be somewhere around that area, but not in the middle. I'm reckless, but I don't like to take charge into battle, ya know??

R-Taichi: Like I said, every crisis is an opportunity!

Daisuke: And then you have the mini Taichi from another universe who definitely says something weird like that.

OG Taichi: We had enough crises and putting it this way makes it EVEN worse. Don't ruin the reputation of the other Taichis, little-other-me! 💦

Takuya: I think that Taichi broke his mind while facing a ton of bad things and now he needs therapy. Send him to your therapist friend, Dai.

Daisuke: Uh... Taichi-san knows Ken, and... Is another version of Taichi-san allowed to take an appointment with Ken tho?

OG Taichi: I thought Ken was a detective, not a therapist...

Daisuke: Oh, yeah he... Can be both, sometimes... Like how Yamato-san is a musician and an astronaut-in-training?

OG Taichi: Oh, I see...

Haru: But... Who's the strategist of this group then...?

Taiki: We could discover it if we--

OG Taichi: No, that's Taiki's role. We decided it before, remember?

Haru: D-did we...??

Daisuke: Kudou Taiki is the kind to come up with plans and plan B, and plan C, and plan D, and all the alphabet with precision and without miscalculating anything. He's terrible. Trust us, Haru. He would be the biggest menace if he were evil.

Tagiru: Wait, wasn't--

Takato: OK OK, Enough.

※ ol' man Taichi is still not aware who's the current 'menace to the society' list.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Lmfao, so for whatever reason I decided to look at the DID tags on twitter, probably as a form of digital SH and the first post I see on there annoys the fuck out of me

TW for discussion of self harm and self injury

Ok so first thing I see is this

And this is definitely a touchy subject subject for me, I get hyper critical when I see it discussed, especially since some early conversations with my therapist. Even before that discussion though I've always hated the way self harm is discussed even if I couldn't articulate those feelings.

And that's because abstinence as a moral imperative might be the most damaging ideology to ever worm it's way into society.

I mean, even the title of that article "First, Do No Harm, Not Even to Yourself" is soaked in moral judgement, "hurting other people is wrong and bad, right? So why would do a wrong and bad thing to yourself? You wouldn't download a razor blade" and it doesn't even make a proper argument on the moral philosophy of harm, she merely attempts to imply immorality by association. Hurting others is wrong because it violates their autonomy, your liberty to swing your arm ends just where my nose begins, right? It's about consent. In BDSM, a sadist may physically hurt a masochist because they have consented to it being done to them. Similarly, gender affirming care doesn't violate the Hippocratic Oath no matter how strongly a transphobe feels about it because informed consent is given to the treatment. Conversely, genial reconstruction surgeries performed on intersex babies or even infant circumsions should be considered a violation because consent has not and cannot be given.

But how does this apply to self-harm? It's your body, it's your autonomy, you aren't violating shit. Even being in a system no single alter has complete authority over the body, it's still possible to come to a consensus without unanimous agreement because guess what? Making decisions while having conflictual feelings or being in two minds is a perfectly normal human experience.

Am I saying you should self harm? No. Of course not. I'm simply saying that self harm is not an immoral act and I will remove the personhood of anyone that tries to weaponise shame in this way against people who almost certainly feel an incredibly painful and torturous amount of shame and guilt already.

The article is also vaccuously lacking in substance. The author seems to think this 'gotcha' is a sufficient argument but itself, checkmate traumatised liberals, but obviously needs to generate ad revenue through scrolling so offers 8 "new realities" to help reinforce a morally pure and healthy mindset.

1. Feelings are survivable and containable

Uhhh sure, they can be, if you have the right coping mechanisms to deal with them. You can't just tell someone to forgo the coping mechanisms they already have without successfully replacing them with something equally or more effective though. The whole point of dissociation from trauma is because certain feelings ARE deemed to be unsurvivable by the brain, you're not weak minded for thinking so.

2. We have art, reading, distractions, therapist, meds

Yeah no shit, that's not always enough though and you haven't failed if you try them and they don't work, the coping mechanisms have failed, not you.

3. We deserve to feel better

So true! Self harming makes me feel better when emotional distress is overwhelming me, I'm glad we agree

4. We don't need to guarantee pain

You know what guarantees pain? Shaming yourself out of using a coping mechanism without addressing it's root cause, but that's ok because feelings are "survivable" right?

5. We don't have to hurt via self-abuse

I actually don't know what that's supposed to mean, I can hurt myself without hurting myself? I don't have to self harm? I know I don't have to, but I can if it's better to do so than to not

6. Our trauma is over, why continue it?

First of all fuck you, retraumatisation is a very well noted trauma response, but so is shame and guilt so who's really continuing our trauma here?

7. We don't have to stand vigil over pain to honour abused parts

EXACTLY! That's what coping mechanisms are for, hey guess what coping mechanism can be really effective at temporarily relieving emotional pain? I'll give you a hint, it's not reading.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Once again so true! I will be compassionate to abused parts, understanding and accepting of the coping mechanisms they choose, while encouraging exploration of healthy alternatives without shaming them if they don't work.

Her website is littered with BuzzFeed style listicles of "25 ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "25 more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "another 25 even more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" and like, sure, they're all perfectly fine distraction techniques but what really pisses me off about the wording of these is that they're framed as ways to distract yourself from the urge to self harm, as though the urge itself is what's wrong, and not the pain and hurt that the urge is a response to.

Just watch one more movie bro, trust me bro, this next one will be the one that makes the pain go away bro just trust me one more movie bro.

I have wasted so much fucking time hating myself and shaming myself and feeling like a failure for breaking my streak. Torturing myself during some of the most emotionally distraught moments of my life because "it doesn't matter how much pain I'm in I can't give into the urge, I can't do that, no matter what I mustn't ever do that" imagining how much worse I'll feel when I punish myself for being too weak.

Do you know what I do now? I take note of the feeling, give it space and allow it to be present and I make a bargain with myself. I will give myself 2 hours to distract and soothe from the emotional pain that I or another part is experiencing, and if that doesn't work then we'll self harm with no shame or judgement. And you'll never guess what, I haven't even come close to self harming, and that's great! And maybe sometime it won't be enough and that'll be fine too, it'll just mean I really needed to. The parts that want to self harm feel respected and listened to, my hurt and abused parts feel seen because I'm paying attention to them and not fighting with the self harm part and we all get to move through the experience with grace.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Fucking damn right I will, in every way I can.

So yeah, that was my first 5 seconds on DID twitter how was your day?

[olderthannetfic]

in response to "not allowed to name your abuse in polite company" anon

wow okay yeah well here we go. I'm a psychology major, and have been studying psychology for years, and it drives me mental how easily people eat up this Bad Person Disease wank.

I was raised in an abusive environment myself and it took me over two decades to escape. In that in an effort to show support multiple friends went ham on the armchair diagnosing of my abusers, what with their NPD labels and their BPD speculations... mostly it was cluster B labels.

Fast forward to when I'm finally in therapy and dealing with my trauma and guess what. My therapist notices that I'm really struggling with xyz issues and diagnoses me with the Dreaded Bad Person Disease! Womp womp. As it turns out, diagnoses exist to Help the Person the Diagnosis Belongs To, NOT as a handy tool for people to label people they don't like. Whodafuckin thunk.

There is a damn good reason why it is inadvisable to go around slapping labels onto other people when you're not their therapist. Mostly it's because no matter how close you are to that person, even if you live with them, you are not them! You do not live in their head! So unless you are a trained professional that that person came to, voluntarily, seeking help, you can't actually know if that person has xyz mental health issue! You can't just slap the NPD or BPD or whatever label you want on all the bad people you meet and then decide that Everyone With This Label Must Be an Asshole Because I Have Decided That Every Asshole I Meet Belongs to This Label that's not! how any! of this! works! It's ableist because it makes it very hard for people who do have this disorder, whose lives are negatively affected by this disorder, to seek help. Backtracking to me sitting with my therapist first processing that Oh Fuck Does This Mean I'm a Monster? That fucking sucked. I hated myself, I felt that it was hopeless, I was terrified that if people found out they'd shun me, or try to harm me.

What also sucks? I'm not a bad person! Shitty things happened to me in the past that altered my brain chemistry and now makes it extremely difficult to process the world in a healthy way. How is that my fault? I have no control over that, all I can do is control my actions and learn to reframe my thoughts. Yes, it's to protect others from potentially harmful behaviour on my part, but also it's to protect me from myself, from this overwhelming feeling of despair and shame and frustration and anger, at the world, at others, at myself for being angry in the first place- because my god, that anger, it is exhausting, especially when you know that what you feel, how you see the world, is "wrong" and "bad". After a while it's hard not to conflate "wrong" thoughts with just... being wrong. And on top of all that internal struggle I still need to worry about whether or not I'll receive proper support, both from my friends and also from medical professionals...That is what this "narcissistic abuse" fuckery does and that is why it is disgusting for victims- fellow victims! to go about perpetuating this term. Everyone's a mental health advocate until it comes to us with the "ugly" mental health issues. Then it's dead silence. I get it. OK? I was also an abuse victim. I've had some truly horrible and disgusting things done to me that will probably keep me in therapy for the rest of my life. It's so comforting, isn't it, to be able to draw that line in the sand and say I am Here and you are There, the reason why you hurt me is because you are a monster, there is no way I could ever be you. We are nothing alike.

But guess what? That's not true. There's no line! Tell me now, truly. What is the difference between "narcissistic abuse" and "just regular abuse"? It's not the self-centeredness. Abusers are self-centered, that's what makes them abusers. It's not the lack of compassion. Again, lack of compassion is what makes abusers what they are. What, then? The lying, the gaslighting, the threats? All of it is abuse. There is nothing- no significant, distinguishable factor that warrants the specification of "narcissistic abuse".

To be frank, I am tired- so very tired. of people making excuses for abusers. because that is all that they are- excuses. Abusers are not monsters, nor demons, not the boogeymen that hunt in the night. They are human, same as the rest of us, and they choose to harm when they could have sought help, redirected their pain and anger, done anything else. So hold abusers accountable for their actions, their choices, and leave us struggling with trauma and mental illness out of it. For fuck's sake.

You do not need a special fancy label to highlight how awful your trauma was. You certainly do not need to scapegoat a whole group of mentally ill people in order to achieve the support and healing that you deserve. The only thing that separates Those Who Abuse and Those Who Do Not Abuse is a Choice. Kindness and Cruelty, neither one is inherent. It. is. a. choice. God. I'm tired.

--

[leighlew3]

Friendly neighborhood blob here again. I'm not from the US. So I have no real clue what Thanksgiving is about 🙊. But I do understand holidays get complicated when you're going through what you're going through. I've been through something like that a couple years back and I remember a very dull and sad Christmas. Just here to say much love 💜. I hope you're taking care of yourself. And I hope you're having a good time with your cats and your work and everything, all things considered. I hope you get at least some sense of momentary peace among all the craziness. Take care Leigh.

PS : The tattoos are cool.

Thank you so much for your kindness. 💜

It’s true, the holidays have been especially hard. But it’s to be expected, I suppose. And I’ve been working with my therapist on all of this because the first holidays (or any holidays and special days but especially these first ones) after losing the most important person in your entire life can definitely f*ck you up. Grief is truly a b*tch.

I was actually doing adequately “ok” lately but then all last week and these days leading up to Thanksgiving, I was crying every single day, missing Mom. But when I spoke to my therapist about it because I felt frustrated and like I was going backwards to a worse time or whatever, she made the great point to me that you can’t look at those things as a setback. That all of this is like a journey and it’s going to be up and down but just because the darkness hits again doesn’t mean that you’ve reverted back or that you’re getting worse or that you’re not making progress with the grief. If anything, the fact that you can have those really dark moments again, but still keep going and not crumble and not slip into self harm or whatever else… shows progress overall. So, yeah it truly is a process. I tend to be somebody who likes results and to fix things, etc. And tbh, I foolishly viewed grief as if it was something to conquer, and then move on from. But the reality is there’s not really any getting past it entirely. It’s always there. The pain of loss, missing somebody… it’s always there. Just like trauma. You just learn how to live with it more and more over time. 

Anyway, I got to spend Thanksgiving with my nephews and some friends/found family. I may not have hardly any family anymore, and I actually have no immediate family anymore, but I have a lot of people in my life that are truly good human beings who truly care, and I’m super grateful to have them. And this includes random strangers to emerging friends on the Internet like yourself, who have been so kind through all of this… the community around here and on Twitter and within the fandom, etc who have given me so much love and support during the worst time in my life. I can’t even express the gratitude properly, but I’m sending a huge thanks to all. Truly.

So, yeah, I’ve just been trying to focus on my nephews, my friends, my writing and a lot of exciting things that are happening around it, and yes, my two bat crap crazy cats. 😂💜

Lastly, thanks! I waited a significant portion of my life to finally get tattoos, alas I’m glad I did because I’m really happy with them, as they turned out great and mean a lot to me…

P.S. It is very true btw that if you get one, you’re going to want more. I now have three and there’s a fourth one I’d like to get soon, and who knows beyond that. 😅

[princehrry-writings]

Let Light Be Light

i've been on a lizzy kick and also experiencing college for the first time so this is what came of that.

warnings: BRIEF mentions of a serial k*ller, slight angst, fluff!!!!! mentions of family trauma

wordcount: 1894

masterlist

But my therapist says To just let light be light So I'm letting him stay around

.

.

.

I’m alone almost every night and I don't know if I’m processing right.

The days grew shorter and the nights colder. Y/n spent most of her time studying, trying to stay on top of her school work. Fall semester was in full swing and while she was sad to be away from home, she was happy to be allowed to think her own thoughts and feel her own feelings instead of everyone else’s. It was a breath of fresh air she didn’t know she needed until she took it. 

Another late night at the library, nailing down her answers for her music theory midterm. She found that she loved the smell of old books and dust. Something about it made her feel so studious. She thinks it must be some kind of placebo effect or something because anytime she studies in the library, she feels like the information sticks better. 

Her friends had invited her to a study session but she's never been able to focus in group settings like that. She had to figure shit out on her own growing up and that's been a running theme with everything she does in her young adult life. She does shit by herself. She’s never had anyone to lean on before so why would she start now? 

That’s not to say Y/n doesn’t appreciate her friends because she does, but if something isn’t broken, no need to take it apart and put it back together. 

It’s nearing closing time at the library, meaning it’s closer to midnight then she realized it was. It’s dark out and she forgot her pepper spray in her room, but her dorm isn’t too far away from the library. A 10 minute walk when she’s really moving, so she packs up and gets ready to head out when a voice stops her. 

“Wait, you’re not gonna walk alone are you?” She turns around to see this boy, who she recognized from a few classes and he worked here, standing at the counter, lookin at her like she's about to jump off a cliff. He seems cute enough, more than she would ever admit to herself, really. He’s tall, long legs and arms, built muscles. His hair falls right above his ears and is curly, but not too curly. It’s very flowy from what she assumes is him running his fingers through it all day to keep it out of his face, and it looks really soft.

“Yeah…?” She says, wondering why he’s so concerned for her. She’ll be ok, it’s not a bad walk. 

“It’s not safe… haven’t you seen the news? There’s a suspect for a murder case running loose on this side of town. His targets are college age girls. Let me walk you home?” His accent makes her a lot less annoyed than she normally would be by somebody telling her she can’t take care of herself. 

“How do I know you're not him?” She quips, hoping he’ll give up so she can just go home. Well, as home as a dorm room can be. 

He raises an eyebrow, making him more attractive than she thought a random boy in the library could ever be, chuckling a little bit and picking up his bag. She notices that everyone else is already gone and it’s just the two of them, and wishes just for a second that she didn’t listen to true crime podcasts because she’s a little scared he could actually be the murderer he just warned her about. But when he comes over and she gets a good look at him, she just can’t see him being a murderer. She couldn’t really see him hurting a fly if she had to be honest. 

He grabs his bag and a ring of keys off the desk and pads over to where she stands. 

“M’ Harry, by the way. Figure you should know my name before I kill you behind the library.” He smirks. Oh, so he’s funny too. Now Y/n really has to put up a wall. Funny guys are dangerous. 

“I’m Y/n. Figure you should know the name of your latest victim.” She smirks back, matching energy but mentally she detaches herself because she can’t let herself form any sort of attachment to him. 

“What hall are you in?” He asks, leading her to the front door and turning off the lights, locking the door behind them. 

“It’s only like a 10 minute walk from here. I live in Greeley.” She answers quickly, shoving her hands deep into her pockets. Fall nights can be brutal but there's something that endears her to them. Something about the promise of the seasons changing, new beginnings, a fresh start. A cycle you can always count on. If nothing else, you always know that summer will turn to fall, and fall to winter, and so on. 

They walk quickly, making small talk and learning little things about each other. Like Harry is in three out of 7 of her classes. He talks to her like they’ve been friends forever and she can’t figure out why he’s being so nice to her. Can’t figure out what he wants, not that she really has much to give in the first place. 

 Too soon do they arrive at the front door of her dorm building. He says goodbye with a charming smile that she has to consciously not blush at and she makes her way upstairs. 

The butterflies win anyway, flooding her with a warmth she swore she would never feel again. She just met him today. What is she doing with herself? 

Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?

Suddenly, Y/n sees Harry everywhere. She knows it's crazy to think he’s following her, but that’s what her brain tells her because why would she be seeing him everywhere all of the sudden. She definitely doesn’t think it’s because he’s all she's been able to think about since he walked her home from the library. 

The nights had continued getting colder, and finally the first snow of the season had fallen upon them. And as cynical as people think she is, Y/n absolutely loves all things winter. The cozy nights with a lit candle (that she hides from her RA), ice skating, christmas lights. All of it, she loves. So as the snow falls, Y/n sits out on a bench wrapped in her heavy coat, a hot drink in her hand and wanderlust written across her features. 

She doesn’t even realize there's someone sitting next to her until Harry scoots a little closer, waving his hand in front of her face. 

“Aren’t you freezing?” She startles out of her daze, seeing the boy sitting next to her. Something between a goofy smile and a concerned stare paints his face and it's almost enough to make her laugh, but she stops herself. 

“Not one bit…” She lightly smiles, thinking about how much she loves the weather right now. He can’t seem to wrap his head around this girl, why she seems so… distant from him. 

He thought maybe it was him specifically, but he hadn’t done anything rude. At least not that he knew of. Maybe sometime ago he had accident;y been a prick and she still remembers and holds it against him.

She doesn’t say anything else so he just sits there with her, quietly people watching and trying not to freeze his bits off. He wanted to figure her out. 

-

“I don't know why he’s so persistent… I see him everywhere now, after the library thing. And last week he sat next to me on a bench outside for like an hour. Just quietly sat next to me, didn’t try to talk to me or anything. I don’t understand him at all.” 

“Have you ever thought that maybe he wants to get to know you?” Y/n’s therapist wonders out loud. 

“Why would he want to know me? What even is there to know? My family trauma, my anxiety, that I’m jaded because of what happened with my last relationship? I’m not exactly a ball of sunshine…” She rants back, wondering what this boy could possibly be interested in when it comes to her. 

“I think you should just let light be light. Let him be a good thing in your life. Don’t try and mess it up before it even starts because you’re scared to let someone in.” 

Y/n pauses, suddenly realizing why she was pushing him away so hard. 

-

“Harry!” 

The boy turns around quickly, zeroing in on who called his name. He does a double take, not believing who was trying to get his attention. 

“Hey Y/n…” He’s confused but elated. She’s never really shown interest in trying to talk to him unless he comes up to her first so seeing her calling his name is a bit jarring. He feels a little thrown off his game. 

“Hey, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to grab lunch with me, if you’re not busy?” She asks. Y/n feels like she might pass out or throw up… or both. But she’s trying to take her therapist's advice and let good things happen to her and she figured she would take matters into her own hands. Again, she always had to do shit by herself so this isn’t really any different. She didn’t feel like waiting around hoping he might make a move. So here she is… 

Harry’s face lights up in that stupidly cute little smile that he has and she can feel the warmth it radiates flow through her body. Maybe her therapist is on to something… 

“Are you asking me on a date?” He quips, the smile morphing into a smirk. Her cheeks glow bright red and something tells him it's not from the cold weather. 

“Yeah…” 

“It’s about time, jeez. I’ve only been flirting with you since, oh I don’t know, I offered to walk you home that night!” He lets an exasperated sigh leave his lips and he takes a few steps closer to her, giggling at how this situation had turned in his favor so quickly. He’d actually been working up the nerve to ask her that exact question. She just happened to beat him to the punch line. 

“So that’s a yes?” He softens, seeing the look in her eyes. The genuine vulnerability. She was scared, putting herself out on the line with no defenses. He knew she didn;t do this often, if at all. 

“S’ a yes pet, where would you like to go to lunch?” He reaches out for her hand, pulling her into him. She slowly wraps her arms around his, burrowing into his chest like she had belonged there this whole time. He wraps her up tight, one arm around her waist, the other cradling her head. She fit perfectly against him, like his body was built just for her. He would like to believe it was but he doesn’t want to get too ahead of himself. 

“I dunno, m’fine with anywhere.” She mumbled, her cheeks squished against him. She feels weird, like she never had before. But a good weird.

Home. 

She felt at home. 

I think that he’s good for me, this boy that I’ve found.

[forwhomtheteasteeps]

Autistic Javert

I've always had a headcanon that Javert is autistic like myself. I always felt drawn to him and his actions and thoughts which feel so much like my own, but I keep struggling on how to put this into words. I've tried here to sum it up a bit but I'm still missing something. I also feel like I should point out that this reflects my own experience of being autistic and my own interpretation of a fictional character- please don't yell at me if your experience differs.

Javert is a victim of the same prison industrial complex that he enforces. He is poor from an awful background and tries desperately to mimic the authority figures that he sees. In this he succeeds, but it gives him nothing but hardship.Like many autistics he is drawn to a situation where he mimics the wrong people in a bid for comfort and safety. likewise:

Javert seeks to follow all the rules as opposed to figuring out what is right on his own. He says himself that he obeys without question, and enforces the law exactly as written with no nuance so as to avoid thinking about it. As an autistic I have found myself blindly following rules and structure implemented by another person or structure so that I don't have to figure out what is right or wrong, I can just do it.

Most critically, Javert has a meltdown when it turns out his rules were not safe and true, and that things were not as he sees them

This poor man. He gets confronted with Valjean and basically says "yeah ok, it's fair. You can shoot me or stab me or something, I know the rules" but then Valjean refuses to follow the rules! He breaks all the patterns, he breaks all the sensible and logical structures to which Javert has set himself up to follow. and Javert cannot handle it. He shuts down, he panics. He wanders around near the address that Valjean gives and after learning of the rescue of Marius Javert gets even more distressed, he leaves Valjean free. His distress increases, he leaves a note of what he sees as failures in the prison he drowns himself.

He drowns himself. Because someone kept him from following all the nice safe rules. Valjean was undeniably a criminal, a thief and and escaped parolee who had once tried to flee from prison itself , but he was simultaneously a good honest man who killed no-one and saved lives when he could. This dichotomy hurts Javert so badly that he cannot think or function, and he eventually kills himself. Having your safety net yanked away from yourself and finding none of your rules or structures are able to give you comfort or a path to follow can and will cause distress. In fact it was one of the causes of my own suicide attempt. Not that I was chasing a convict with a heart of gold or anything, but I did have one of my big safety nets turned upside-down and i was completely floundering. This attempt lead directly to my diagnosis and my therapist told me my reactions were not uncommon for someone autistic like myself. Ever since then when I reread Les Mserables I felt such sympathy for Javert. He had always been my favorite character but since that time in my early teens I've cried like a baby at his death in every adaptation. I understand him, sometimes too much, and it hurts.

[justanothersyscourse]

hi ok so !! about your post on singlets in syscourse i just want to say i agree with you! i'm a singlet and my ex is a DID system, and during all the time i knew they were a system (2 years+) and the time we dated (almost a year) i've never really been able to partake (in good faith) in syscourse because i'm a singlet. i've spent over 2 years learning as much as i can about DID and OSDD and sometimes i'd like to partake in some syscourse and each time i try (in good faith! i cant emphasize that enough) both sides treat me like shit. like you said, singlets dont have a place in ALL discussions (i certainly wouldnt and dont want to stick my nose everywhere) but yeah there's a time and a place and like you said, to engage in constructive and positive conversations, which is exactly what i'd like to do. but even in those times and places both sides shut down whatever a singlet says, even if they do actually have some kind of standing in the discussion (like the examples you gave), say things in good faith and have knowledge of what they're talking about (like you also said). i've never really seen anyone display this opinion so kudos to you for voicing that!

My partner has been with us for ten years, and they've known about us for six of those years.

When he first found out, he went looking for resources, and one of the first ones he found was called The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's a funny, honest guide written by another singlet partner. It talks about the good and the bad, insurance, therapy, hospitals, etc. Most importantly, it talks about what to expect from your system partner.

It wasn't until a few years later that he showed us this guide, and he explained that the brutally honest take on system behavior helped him become a better spouse for us. It talks bluntly about how systems are selfish by nature. Not in a negative way, just as a matter of fact. We have so much going on in our heads that sometimes it's really hard for us to keep our partners in mind, as well, and it comes across as selfishly absorbed, at times. It talks about how to handle that kind of behaviour, and the rewarding love you get in return.

But that REALLY struck me. It was true, and so was a lot of other, negative stuff (stereotypes?). It kind of put my partner in a new light for us-- we gained a huge amount of respect for him and appreciation for the things he put up with and tried to work with us on. Of how much work he put in and how much patience he had.

Singlets have an incredibly unique view on certain aspects of the disorder and of system life that is SO important to the conversation. I wish he had shown it to me earlier, but he said he didn't think I was in a place to hear it back then, and he was probably right. I wouldn't have taken it as positively and it wouldn't have had such a profound impact on us. Now we do our best to stay mindful of things-- so that we can be better, too.

Singlets tend be an unbiased, outside view. It's why anyone with half a brain encourages questioning systems to see a therapist. Traumatized, mentally ill individuals tend NOT to be good judges of... Much of anything, really. Themselves, situations, other people. I can't tell you how many times I was TEN THOUSAND PERCENT SURE I was a making a safe, smart decision, and he was behind me, rolling his eyes, waiting patiently for me to come to my senses, and then I'd run crying back to him when it all went to shit, because holy crap, that was dumb of me.

He also is VERY aware of the nuances of syscourse, he hears me talk about it daily. He engages with it through me. He's done enough of his own research to form his own opinions and thoughts so he can support me, and/or tell me when I'm being a proper little shit.

I talked recently about the unique perspectives of people who dipped their toes into plurality and DID/OSDD, and realized/admitted they weren't systems, and those who realized it was something else. Those perspectives are just as unique and useful in helping other systems figure their stuff out. They do understand syscourse. They've likely engaged in it before. They're allowed to, still.

Singlets who have never met a system in their life, but have a peer reviewed paper in have are goddamn allowed in syscourse to share it and talk about it.

They sure as fuck might be wrong, but they have every right to get involved, when and where they're welcome.

👏 Singlets 👏 have 👏 a 👏 place 👏 in 👏 syscourse 👏

Anon, you are welcome in my community <3