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#down syndrome#disability#disability advocacy#described images#image description in alt#specifically in reference to pwDS being forcibly infantilized#like yes pwDS are ~allowed~ to swear or drink or make their own decisions#obviously some can't and that's not a bad thing whatsoever#and for those that can't: they're still adults and their needs may well change as they grow older#we should be prepared to react in a compassionate manner that actually addresses their needs for their age/abilities/desires
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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I’m not too big a fan of de aging fics (just a personal preference), but the ones I always adore are the fics where the de aged person still knows everything from before they were de-aged and act like a child genius.
With that in mind: Danny gets de-aged in Gotham. With no other way around it, he has to be put back into elementary school and VERY rapidly skips classes because he still remembers everything. In his woodworking class he builds a miniature scale fully functioning mech that could be used to fight Gotham Rogues.
Bruce very quickly notices this kids very apparent smarts. With the rate of smart young children becoming rogues, he gives Danny as many Wayne scholarly grants as he can to encourage non villainous behavior.
#bones prompts#dpxdc#danny phantom#dp x dc#nothin wrong with de aging fics! it’s just a personal preference. infantilizing is simply a big ick for me#queued :)
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crowley and aziraphale negotiating child support payments in s3
#to be clear!!!!#i DO NOT mean that muriel is the child. cause i don't want to infantilize them!!#is the child the bentley here? is it jimbriel? idk. u figure it out lol#good omens#crowley#aziraphale#good omens season 3#bafta awards#bafta 2024#david tennant#michael sheen#i'm so sorry pls tell me if i'm being annoying with these. i just like yelling into the void
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If your trans activism ignores, excludes, infantilizes, or actively targets trans men and transmasculine folks, you need to re-evaluate your activism and your stance as a trans ally.
You do NOT get to ignore and exclude trans men just “because they are men”, that’s antithetical to trans activism and actively harms the community as a whole. As a trans community, and as a greater queer community, we need to do better.
#of course this also applies to any and all groups of trans people but i felt the need to talk about trans men specifically#I know sometimes I say trans men vs transmascs and I know those terms are not interchangeable#but I typically see more ignoring and excluding among trans men and more infantilizing among transmascs as a whole group#and this post was mainly about the ignoring and excluding#anyway#trans mascs and trans men I love you and you belong in this community and I’m sorry for all the shot you get#transblr#transgender#trans men#trans mascs#trans activism#transandrophobia
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Guys it was one person saying this. This post has significantly more interactions than theirs did. This is neither a widespread opinion nor something that matters. We can stop now. Go get mad about something that matters.
GIF unrelated I just want to look at them.
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I often do think it is important to call myself a woman. In past I've had kids ask me "are you a man or a girl" and in hindsight I think these kids were quite perceptive of the world. Especially when you're in your 20s it's men and girls, I've seen students write pieces describing themselves as men, but their female peers of the same age they call girls, but I have also heard bisexual women say they like both men and girls. In past I've fallen into that myself and said that yeah I'm a lesbian I like girls, but do I? No I am in my twenties and I am actually only attracted to my fellow adults - women. It does feel more serious, less trivial, both to be and be attracted to women as opposed to girls, and that can be a bit uncomfortable to be faced with. It is also important to me as a butch. I am no longer a tomboy I am a butch I am no longer a girl I am a woman. I am a woman and women can be like me. I don't feel like I've succeeded enough at adulting to call myself a woman, but that doesn't matter. I am 25, and if the word bears other connotations so be it, that's not my problem.
#to be fair i have also heard men on their 20s say man feels too serious of a word to them#but idk like so much of our society infantilize women i wont do the same#but also like in group of friends i do hear both men and women call each other boys/girls like girl's trip/boy's trip evening with the boys#lunch with the girls etc like ofc theres many situations where those words are used past adulthood in a way that makes sense but still#musings#butch
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jace i don’t feel good was so funny but also made me so sad. like that’s a teenager with a strawberry squishmallow keychain and a tamagotchi and she doesn’t feel good and she's tugging on a teacher’s sleeve about it. a teacher who should have been responsible for protecting her in the first place and didn’t. who is manipulating and using her and her friends to help fulfill the desires of a wrathful power-hungry egomaniac. porter and jace it’s on sight >:(
#help the rat grinders make me sad i have a disease.#idk man. it’s not a big deal it’s a comedy show i can be normal. sure#edit:#also this isn’t meant to be infantilizing she is absolutely gonna fuck them up next episode lol. and good for her#also bc apparently there’s discourse about this this isn’t to say that the ih shouldn’t be fighting she and the rat grinders to their full#lethal capacity. like stepping back kid v. kid violence makes me sad but they’re trying to end the world lol. and also the ih can play at#their table literally however they want to#it’s a show#just to be clear that that’s not what this post is about lol#mary ann skuttle#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy#fhjy spoilers
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*Sigh* this asshole's stupid sweet apple pie face
#urghh birds chirping kittens purring rainbows shining and soft summer rain ass face#i hate him#who up infantilizing they men rn#xoxoxo#mcr#my chemical romance#shitpost#frank iero#my chemical fucking romance#frnkiero#my chem frank#frank iero and the cellabration#leathermouth
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I don’t think people give enough weight to the fact that Nona is chronically-to-terminally ill in NtN, either—the reason she needs help taking care of herself, by the end of the book, is because her soul is eating her body and her body is dying. Every time she has a “tantrum”, or accesses Alecto, she uses up Harrow’s body in huge gulps—that’s why she gets sick or passes out after them. She spends most of her time in the early book thinking wistfully about how lucky she is to just have what she has and how much she wants to be useful and it’s a meditation on her awareness of her own death. Like.
Yeah, of course she needs other people to help her take care of herself. She’s disabled and actively dying.
#the locked tomb#tlt meta#nona ntn#honestly ntn is fucking devastating on that level#but people would rather infantilize her i guess
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yeah to me it feels like the popular idea that John was homophobic/beat his kid(s)/taught them that having emotion makes you weak is just ppl choosing to interpret 'abusive father' in the shallowest most black-and-white movie villain way possible. when the ways he fucks them up in canon are so much more interesting and complicated.
#if anything it seems like his problem is being excessively emotional and fragile to the point where they had to walk on eggshells around him#he was like step 1 parentify 1st kid until he believes desire is inherently selfish and that it's his job 2 save the entire world.#step 2 make other kid a Symbol of Lost Innocence in a way that subtly Others and Infantilizes him.#step 3 isolate them so they only have each other step 4 tell one to 'save or kill' the other step 5 DIE.#supernatural#john winchester
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To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately
#disability#currently going through something like this for myself and while i doubt there's anything 'wrong' i still did it#people are always weird about people who are disappointed or devastated about 'normal results' but...#...it's because normal results don't mean much when you still have the issue at hand...#...if my test came back that my back is physically normal that doesn't indicate that i don't have back pain does it?#because i am still in pain so often even if i have a 'physically normal' back...#...just as an example but i don't think a lot of abled people 'get it'#also like... if your tests are coming back 'normal' every time that might give your care providers pause...#...and they might just start infantilizing you or treating you like a hypochondriac...#...'are you SURE [problem] isn't just anxiety?' 'are you SURE you're actually experiencing [x] or are you exaggerating it?'
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ThrowbackThursday :D not gonna make a big 30 Pic post dis week...9 years ago yesterday, so Aug. 21 2015...I was honorably discharged from the Marine Corps. So heres a pic of me in my desert cammies, aaand a pic of what was under my desert cammies :3
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Hoffmann, Felix (Aarau, Switzerland, 1911-1975). Snippet from Joggeli Wott Go Birli Schüttle : Neui Bilder Zum Alte Värs 4. Aarau: Verlag Sauerländer, 1963. This children's book in Romansh language is about a progressively intensifying series of obstacles encountered in a quest to pick pears. I appreciate the canine representation.
#perro#dog#chien#illustration#hund#hond#Swiss illustration#vintage illustration#ilustracion#animals in art#dogs in art#canine#Romansh#childrensbooks#kinderbuch#kinderbuch illustration#libros infantiles#livres jeunesse
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"cassandra cain is an innocent cinnamon roll who can do no wrong" incorrect. this is canon accurate cassandra cain
#cassandra cain#batgirl#thinking about the weird infantilization of cass as an innocent uwu baby that happens in fanon sometimes and uh#for some reason my brain came up with this so here you go#i drew this over the callie calamari version so i had to erase the callie pic#but it would've looked weird without a background so i uh. googled grey background and slapped that on
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the assumption that women have no desire for or awareness of dignity underscores nearly every conversation men have about women
#once you see it you can't unsee it#people assume we neither care for nor deserve dignity#that we enjoy our humiliation#if we can even recognize it#that we enjoy being sexualized and infantilized and objectified#radblr#feminism#femininity#the idea that we prefer looks over function
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