uncanny-tranny · 27 days ago
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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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stealingyourbones · 1 month ago
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I’m not too big a fan of de aging fics (just a personal preference), but the ones I always adore are the fics where the de aged person still knows everything from before they were de-aged and act like a child genius.
With that in mind: Danny gets de-aged in Gotham. With no other way around it, he has to be put back into elementary school and VERY rapidly skips classes because he still remembers everything. In his woodworking class he builds a miniature scale fully functioning mech that could be used to fight Gotham Rogues.
Bruce very quickly notices this kids very apparent smarts. With the rate of smart young children becoming rogues, he gives Danny as many Wayne scholarly grants as he can to encourage non villainous behavior.
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sentientsky · 9 months ago
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crowley and aziraphale negotiating child support payments in s3
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non-stick-pansexual · 3 months ago
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If your trans activism ignores, excludes, infantilizes, or actively targets trans men and transmasculine folks, you need to re-evaluate your activism and your stance as a trans ally.
You do NOT get to ignore and exclude trans men just “because they are men”, that’s antithetical to trans activism and actively harms the community as a whole. As a trans community, and as a greater queer community, we need to do better.
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sevenhundred721 · 10 months ago
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Guys it was one person saying this. This post has significantly more interactions than theirs did. This is neither a widespread opinion nor something that matters. We can stop now. Go get mad about something that matters.
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GIF unrelated I just want to look at them.
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butcharium · 7 months ago
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I often do think it is important to call myself a woman. In past I've had kids ask me "are you a man or a girl" and in hindsight I think these kids were quite perceptive of the world. Especially when you're in your 20s it's men and girls, I've seen students write pieces describing themselves as men, but their female peers of the same age they call girls, but I have also heard bisexual women say they like both men and girls. In past I've fallen into that myself and said that yeah I'm a lesbian I like girls, but do I? No I am in my twenties and I am actually only attracted to my fellow adults - women. It does feel more serious, less trivial, both to be and be attracted to women as opposed to girls, and that can be a bit uncomfortable to be faced with. It is also important to me as a butch. I am no longer a tomboy I am a butch I am no longer a girl I am a woman. I am a woman and women can be like me. I don't feel like I've succeeded enough at adulting to call myself a woman, but that doesn't matter. I am 25, and if the word bears other connotations so be it, that's not my problem.
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mourning-at-night · 6 months ago
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jace i don’t feel good was so funny but also made me so sad. like that’s a teenager with a strawberry squishmallow keychain and a tamagotchi and she doesn’t feel good and she's tugging on a teacher’s sleeve about it. a teacher who should have been responsible for protecting her in the first place and didn’t. who is manipulating and using her and her friends to help fulfill the desires of a wrathful power-hungry egomaniac. porter and jace it’s on sight >:(
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sixteenthtry · 3 months ago
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*Sigh* this asshole's stupid sweet apple pie face
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direquail · 9 months ago
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I don’t think people give enough weight to the fact that Nona is chronically-to-terminally ill in NtN, either—the reason she needs help taking care of herself, by the end of the book, is because her soul is eating her body and her body is dying. Every time she has a “tantrum”, or accesses Alecto, she uses up Harrow’s body in huge gulps—that’s why she gets sick or passes out after them. She spends most of her time in the early book thinking wistfully about how lucky she is to just have what she has and how much she wants to be useful and it’s a meditation on her awareness of her own death. Like.
Yeah, of course she needs other people to help her take care of herself. She’s disabled and actively dying.
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wombpala · 3 months ago
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yeah to me it feels like the popular idea that John was homophobic/beat his kid(s)/taught them that having emotion makes you weak is just ppl choosing to interpret 'abusive father' in the shallowest most black-and-white movie villain way possible. when the ways he fucks them up in canon are so much more interesting and complicated.
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year ago
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To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately
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ronikat · 2 months ago
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ThrowbackThursday :D not gonna make a big 30 Pic post dis week...9 years ago yesterday, so Aug. 21 2015...I was honorably discharged from the Marine Corps. So heres a pic of me in my desert cammies, aaand a pic of what was under my desert cammies :3
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dogandcatcomics · 4 months ago
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Hoffmann, Felix (Aarau, Switzerland, 1911-1975). Snippet from Joggeli Wott Go Birli Schüttle : Neui Bilder Zum Alte Värs 4. Aarau: Verlag Sauerländer, 1963. This children's book in Romansh language is about a progressively intensifying series of obstacles encountered in a quest to pick pears. I appreciate the canine representation.
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tastycitrus · 9 months ago
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"cassandra cain is an innocent cinnamon roll who can do no wrong" incorrect. this is canon accurate cassandra cain
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hadesoftheladies · 5 months ago
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the assumption that women have no desire for or awareness of dignity underscores nearly every conversation men have about women
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