#(and my help has cancer now. so)
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the leos are now in temporary bin prison until their new setups can be put up. it's not the ideal housing but they got all their needs met and i'll be extra careful dusting their feeders.
hopefully i can get enough money to order the new vivs soon. it's been hard to focus on work with everything going on but i'm doing my best to get through it.
#thankfully it's still warm here so they'll be okay with heat mats for now#i got my climate bonus from the austrian government but than spent 240/290 on my healthcare bill ):#additionally to the leo setups crashing my chameleon has a serious health issue with her knee and they found a huge tumor in one of my#family members that's thankfully not cancer but oh god that didn't help
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went out to brunch for my friends birthday and nobody believed me when i said everyone at my workplace doesn't like me and wants me gone so now i'm laying in bed crying and like gaslighting myself about it. lol but the eggs benedict was great
#literally her mil said “ok but what are YOU doing or not doing to make them feel that way” ☠️ are you kidding me#like damn what if i am crazy and they actually don't hate me and want me gone. not a serious doubt though i know they do lmao#wait the group chat just reminded me they literally shit on me behind my back lmao i forgot about that completely blocked it out of my head#anyway they were like what are they actually doing to make you feel that way and i didn't really have a solid answer so i think they just#think i'm being lazy now but idk like what would you say high school bullies are “actually doing to you” if they're smart chances are theyre#probably not doing anything actionable it's just a bunch of psychological torment#i mean obviously there are plenty of physically violent bullies as well but you know the type i mean#like idk man they don't treat me like a person. what do you want me to say#actually they probably don't just think i'm lazy they probably think i'm too mentally ill and overly sensitive to be believed also. whatever#literally everyone else i've talked to about this (which it must be said is not very many people because i have barely any friends)#has affirmed that they're being deranged and evil to me specifically. which is comforting#but it doesn't help the actual situation of course i have to get my own ass out of that and i'm scared#was looking at a bank job thinking that might be fine and what did the first review on indeed say but “toxic workplace environment”#LIKE.#the mil (who you might remember from “the covid vaccine causes cancer” etc) asked how my room was and i was like ehh and she goes#“oh come on you must have something good to report!” and i was like well 😀 i don't#i didn't say that though i said well the cat's great! and she was like “oh i forgot about the cat” ☠️#i need to be put down like a ranch horse w a broken leg which is to say shot in the head outside somewhere and promptly buried in the dirt#me
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fascinated by multiple torties specifically, but to answer the question i shaved my entire head a month into lockdown (did not take me long but tbf i already needed a haircut when it started) but didn't like it
#replies#right now i have Corporate Compliance Boring Hair but my org's actually chill so im gonna go back to a mullet soon probably#just need my undercut to grow out a little more first#i wanna dye it but i don't want to do that myself and unfortunately what my org has in chillness it lacks in Compensation#so getting it professionally done will have to wait at least two months lmao#(tbc i dont want to do it myself for disability reasons. ive always done it myself until now but i can only do that with help)#(and my help has cancer now. so)
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my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me
#“no need for follow up”#“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your#ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it#*doctor shrug emoji* “#“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol”#he barely even looked at my incision like#this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask#if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had#fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your#fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your#swagless ass!!!#anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my#abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of#gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up#for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how#hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know#how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy#am i crazy???#this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other#organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it#get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to#get medical treatment.#anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.”#bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you.#like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously.#but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess.#its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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Sending love. Hope you’re okay.
Oh! If this is because of the MRI I mentioned, fear not -- it was a totally precautionary procedure, and I already got the results and they're in the clear. It's actually another box checked on my journey to top surgery next month (!!). I'm genetically high-cancer risk and have been talking to my surgeons about an approach that will be both gender-affirming and minimize my risk of problems later on.
That said, I will take this chance to say to my followers!! If you, too, are someone with a scary family history of breast cancer and are contemplating top surgery, there are options open to you! I knew it was a real risk for me and was able to get genetic testing covered by my insurance before talking to my surgeons, and my top surgeon then talked with me about the various options I had at my initial consult. I'm specifically opting for a procedure that's a little more intense than a standard gender-affirming surgery but not quite a full double masectomy, and it will be done jointly by two surgeons, one who specializes in gender-affirming procedures and one who usually works with cancer patients and/or patients looking to have preventative surgeries.
Anyways not to throw my medical history at the internet, I just feel really strongly about this, in part because I've had multiple people I've talked to about my own top surgery process tell me they had similar worries and didn't know there were options for people looking to combine gender affirmation with preventative care. I want to watch out for my fellow trans and gender non-conforming folks, especially considering how much the healthcare system can suck for us, and there really are health professionals who take this sort of thing into account with their patients!
#i will say one reason i've had luck with getting stuff covered by insurance is that my mom had cancer at a worryingly young age#so it being such a direct connection has probably helped with insurance covering some of these things#(she's alright now! and actually pursuing cancer registry/medical coding as a new career because of her experience so go her!)#but my surgeons have definitely talked like it's not uncommon for them to have patients like me#so definitely explore your options if this is a concern for you!#i know it's going to be a real relief for me to get to have a flat chest AND a major health concern removed in one go#trans life hacks i guess#love that for me/us#transblogging
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my dads gonna be homeless again 🗿
#hes been applying for jobs for months but nobodys calling him back#hes been without his antidepressants and cancer treatments for months#he doesnt habe a car. hes literally gonna be on the streets again and i have no idea how to help him#i can take his cat and maybe store some of his stuff#but thats it#he doesnt have any family to help him#the only reason hes in florida is for me. and now all his family is on the other side of the country and he has no support#i dont know what to do or how to comfort him#i cant tell him its all going to be okay because its literally not. i dont know how to get him help#my mom would never let him stay in our house. we cant afford it and she wouldnt want him around#i jsut feel so helpless.#i dont want to lose my dad again#i know hes suicidal. hes attempted before and im so scared this will be the last straw
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ppl will go “i’d notice if society was going to sacrifice a marginalised group of people and if they said that it’s ok that a bunch of people would die then i would stand against it” and then they’ll hear people saying “well only disabled and vulnerable people will die of covid” and go “yes this is normal and ok and fine”
#first of all it’s not only disabled people who are dying and also covid can disable you real quick and make you part of that group that#people are fine with dying#but also do y’all hear yourself bed sometimes. the amount of people who claim to be allies but with throw others aside as soon as it#interferes with their comfort#also there have been so many studies and reports and articles on how covid disproportionally affects poc. not to mention inequalities in#healthcare that come into play too when you’re dealing with a pandemic#but as soon as y’all have to stop going to parties or restaurants or isolating for two weeks when exposed or confirmed positive or even if#you suspect you have it. or any of the millions of other things that at this point are important facets of community care and protecting#yourself and others from a disease that has been proven and continues to be proven to do a lot of damage to the body#y’all just balk. you don’t drop your claims but that doesn’t mean you’ve dropped your allyship#I’d love to go back to normal. i’d love to go out without a mask and eat in restaurants and do all the things i did before covid#but i won’t. because i know that isn’t safe for me or my friends/family/community and also quite literally isn’t possible now because we’re#still in a pandemic. if you claim to be an ally to disabled people then prove it and mask#I can’t speak as fully on allyship to other communities who are disproportionately impacted but not masking harms everyone and if anyone#does want to speak on allyship to their communit(y/ies) feel free to go ahead#covid tw#fired up about this because i’m doing radioactive iodine treatment in a few weeks and my mother is taking no precautions. not only am i at#risk if i catch covid but if she gets sick i either have to postpone my treatment to care for her (which risks giving my cancer more time to#metastasise if there are cells left) or i have to figure out another plan for treatment since my current plan hinges on her help since i#have to isolate#im just tired and frustrated. a pandemic doesn’t stop just because you get bored#vent tw#this is not as eloquent as i wish it was and the lack of punctuation and tone can make parts confusing but i think y’all get my point
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I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.
#it's painful because i knew someone who personally faked this stuff (or has convinced herself she has it i can't even tell)#she had spent all her time on tiktok and i know for 100% sure that's where she got the idea. it's TRAGIC how fast things went downhill#i'm legit horrified at how many people (esp young kids of 13-14) think they have this too. or are just pretending#i've been neck deep in hardcore research (and i'm talking pubmed sciencedirect etc only) for months#and those kids definitely don't have did.. if they have trauma and are dissociating it's going to be something else like dpdr etc#the number of stupid 'you have did' answers i see for totally basic questions like 'i got dizzy what's wrong w me' is insane too#it's like googling 'muscle twitch' and then thinking you have some rare 1/billion familial cancer thing despite other obvious explanations#but worse.. in these cases the information is being fed to them. they don't have an opportunity to explore other possibilities#and the worst part is they don't even know to CHECK THE VALIDITY OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. they don't have info literacy#like i'll say this once: did is so rare that it's STILL contentious about whether it even exists#and it only happens in the most unimaginably traumatic experiences. think of the worst possible things you could do to a child#where even just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. THAT'S the kind of trauma that leads to did. the truly evil stuff.#i'm not even gonna start on the BITE model shenanigans that are happening in the 'did' communities either#or how the people who used to be in them (and got out) always equate them to self-harming cults that celebrated not finding real answers#they got told they were 'perfect the way they were' despite having OBVIOUS psychological issues they needed help for#(it just wasn't did)#they were assured their 'did was valid no matter what'. toxic positivity ig? it just delayed their real diagnosis and ability to get help#but now you have gluts of people like in the video 'talking to themselves' and people on tumblr posting one-liners of 'alters' talking#one after the other within seconds. and i want to fcking cry because it's the same exact shit my friend did before she cut ties#the did/tourettes/ftlb stuff has literally been called a 'mass sociogenic illness' in multiple academic studies#but like qanon believers they seem to immediately discredit anyone who mentions this with 'you're just ableist' so anything you say is poo#aka you're part of the problem you're an 'ableist' so your legit info even though legit isn't valid/acceptable/real/whatever. i'm tired fam#did#dissociative identity disorder#osdd#ddnos#munchausen syndrome#mass psychogenic illness#ableism
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Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.
#pet death tw#death mention#let me know if I need any other tags#I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods#since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name#and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt#res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank#account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc.#and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol#I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can#It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy#decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe#pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him.#anyway#of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh...#more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter#vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else#you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T#Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I#noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly)#but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely#not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc.#ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without#taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc.#cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.
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Was finally back at the bar last Saturday after three weeks of being sick
#it was karaoke night!! but i still had a sore throat and came kinda late so i decided not to sing this time#it was so fun tho and i got tipped €60 even tho my shift was only 6 hours and it wasn't really crowded#it was so sweet how everyone was happy to see me again since i had to skip halloween and my two previous shifts 😭😭😭#my boss said 'heyy melissa high five great to see you' and complimented my shirt and his wife was like 'risen from the dead! welcome back'#and the girl i hadn't worked with before but who i've seen at meetings and concerts immediately hugged me and was so nice to me#i wondered why she sang along so enthusiastically to 'männer sind schweine' by die ärzte until i found out her husband suddenly left her#with three little kids!! 🙄 one of them has cancer and now she suddenly has to find an affordable apartment for the four of them#this is stressing me out so much how fucking dare he. men. our boss posted about it on facebook asking for help which is really kind of him#after we closed when the security guard jokingly suggested a new guy for her she said she's becoming a lesbian so welcome to the club ig#anyway don't we love it when guys suddenly dump you out of nowhere as soon as things start to get a lil rough. viva la lesbianism for real#my face#the bartender chronicles
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My mom has her first really bad reaction to chemo, neuropathy in her hands and feet
#she tried ibrouphen and it didn't work#so she is willing to try an edible#she said the pain is at least a 6#i hope it helps#i have some 10 mg ones that i told her try half and see if that makes it better#this isn't her first edible but my dad didn't approve before#well now what are you going to say asshole#cancer patient doesn't get pain relief because you had a bad trip once?#i really hope it helps#personal#my mom has cancer
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my mom died a year ago
#grief#technically I’m about 4 hours early from the exact tod but yeah#i was probably up til 3:30 or so that night#I could double check bc i wrote a journal entry that night when i couldn’t fall asleep#it’s been 365 really busy days but shit right now it feels like no time has passed at all#but shoutout to palliative care nurses everywhere#and mad props to the oncologists doing bonkers scifi treatments and trials#keep up the good work#mom’s final cancer was a hell of an eldrich beast but medicine keeps developing#and bringing on night nurses for those last three nights of hospice was such a help and a comfort I don’t think I have words for#someone asked me earlier in the afternoon if i was through it having been a year and all#and i straight up said No I Am Still In The Thick Of It#my cousin (who lost her dad/my uncle 8ish years prior) said at the funeral reception “it doesn’t get better”#and she was right#it doesn’t get any better at all#you just get used to it#the lack of that person becomes familiar#even though your connection to them still feels active#like a phantom limb#it still feels horribly horrendously wrong that she’s gone#the world is certainly poorer in her absence#if I could offer any advice for anyone it would be to talk to your loved one(s) about this all ahead of time#don’t wait til they get sick don’t wait til they get old or whatever#start talking through it now#(certainly legally but also logistically)#unfortunately it’s a certainty that you will lose the person most important to you#or they will lose you#so don’t hide from it or put it off. it’s part of any relationship. it’s there and no one can escape it.#but yeah#right now this hurts
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so me and my friend are onto season 4 of X-files now and we got to the csm-centric episode, right. and when he put the sniper rifle up from the window at the start I was like "whoa there. jfk assassination much?"-- and then the flashback starts and wouldn't you fucking know it, csm was the one who killed jfk??
this made me joke about how "what is he, the dark version of forrest gump or something? lmao" (ie. being present at a bunch of historical happenings), and then it seems like I was right because after that, he killed martin luther king too... aND TH E N towards the end, they make a fuckin forrest gump reference???
guys I think I'm finally becoming psychic
#x-files#anyway good season so far#'the field where I died' was another good one#this ep was fun too ngl cause I'm afraid I love to hate this guy#I love how it shows how /weak/ csm actually is#seems like he just gets swept up in shit all 'okay I guess I'm doing this now (hashtag powertrip)'#dude has all the agency over a bunch of others but he has no agency over himself#he couldn't even resist the peer pressure to start smoking. bruh#and he couldn't even follow through with it when he tried to /stop/ smoking either#and then when he thought he was gonna get a big break as an author and was like 'fuck yeah I'll resign from the evil job now'#..but then the editors changed the ending when publishing it so he was like 'nvm. fuck everything. violent path it is then'#that whole thing reminded me so much of john in Saw X too when he thought he'd been cured-#-so he threw away the trap-sketches he was making. guy was gonna straight up quit being jigsaw bc he thought he would get to live after all#wait a sec.... john has cancer and is a villain... csm is called 'cancerman' and is also a villain........ [connecting dots in my mind rn]#but yeah um-- back to what I was saying- this ep somehow made csm a bit less infuriating for me?#cause now we got to see that actually he doesn't have everything under control. in fact it's like he barely has a will of his own#bro has zero conviction. barely any willpower. no life. if he fails at something once- that's it. he'll quit trying forever#he's literally a loser. we love to see it#(also wtf I didn't think deep throat would be the one who argued FOR killing that alien while csm was the one who questioned it?)#(but deep throat SAID to mulder later that he regretted the things he'd done an d he helped the good guys in the end so....)#(deep throat had his redemption arc. love that guy....except for when he killed the alien. that wasn't cool)
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#So the thing i havent been talking about thats been happening since around christmas#My friends ex significant other is dying of cancer#As in like they discovered it too late and too spread throughout the body to do anything#They were given weeks to live#So during these holidays the artists house has been full of a constant stream of relatives and loved ones of the person dying#As a sort of home base to stay at while visiting the hospice down south#I havent seen my friend or buddy in weeks#And my friend isnt talking about any of it not because its like secret or anything but because they just dont want to#They have only insinuated that the person passed away last week and the family is all gone now#I dont know what to do to help im at a total loss#I know how insane i was going when grandpa was in the hospital#The only person i called on a regular basis was nick because he had been through similar#So like i understand isolating and not wanting to see your usual friends and i dont want to intrude on the family#But ugh#I wish i could like...cook something? Bring food over? But that doesnt seem like a good idea#To experiment with cooking and bring over something that isnt good :/#I keep offering to go on walks to drive places to walk buddy but so far they havent wanted anything#I dont know :( i also dont know the person who died so its not like grief or anything
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also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!
#purrs#delete later#sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me#and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take#care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight#and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not#an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid#and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and#keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top#priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she#cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and#then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma#onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and#nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l#lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day?#ask to tag#like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f#far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls#LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all#* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy#human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha
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I need to stop telling everyone my business
#'my mom has cancer' 'oh im sorry :(' i dont WANT your damn fake pity and sympathy#i want to live in a world where the pour arent left to die i want to live in a world where i dont have to work every damn day just to barely#get by#i want to fucking DO something and HELP people but im so fucking helpless and powerless and#just fucking let me go home and fucking sob and fucking die already i cant take this#no matter what i do jo matter where i go ill be constantly stuck in a system that works against me#siri blast planet zero and sound of madness by shinedown right the fuck now
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