#*my anxiety meds but fuck I can't even tell myself that in a way that I'd believe it

[barkingangelbaby]

venting so much i ran out of tags lmao

[nexus-nebulae]

brrrrr (/pos)

[running-in-the-dark]

wondering how you know if the weight of everything is actually too much and if maybe the future just isn't worth it.

[tiixij]

I need to meet some transgender gay communists irl nowwww

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

[cookies-over-yonder]

close your weary eyes

Adaine has already been worrying about Riz, what with his thousands of clubs and negative hours of sleep, but when she gets a text from him during an AV club meeting he's surprisingly absent from, she's more concerned than ever. Riz: what does a panic attack feel like?

ao3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

title from rises the moon by liana flores

Adaine is sitting on the vacant side of her bed, reading through her textbook when Riz wakes up.

"Mmm, what time is it...?" he mumbles beside her.

"It's almost ten."

"I missed so many fucking clubs. Shit."

"How are you feeling?" Adaine asks, pulling him into a side hug. He melts into it, burying his face in her side.

"Like shit. I don't know what happened. I was on my way to AV and then I just... I don't know."

"Yeah."

"That used to happen to you all the time?"

"Yep. Every day."

"That fucking sucks."

"It did, but I've got meds and therapy now, so it's easier to manage."

Riz is quiet.

"I'm worried about you, you know?" Adaine says, and she feels him tense up. "It's just... you're so stressed. All the time. It can't be healthy. And I know from experience what that's like, and watching you go through something so similar... it scares me, Riz."

She whispers that last part, feeling tears prick at her eyes.

"I—listen, I was fine before, it's just—it's this year—"

"Were you fine before? Or did you just convince yourself you were?"

Riz sits up and looks Adaine in the eyes. "I... don't cry, Adaine, please."

"I'm worried about you!" Adaine sobs. "You barely eat, you barely sleep, you only drink coffee, and I'm worried one day it's all going to catch up to you and you're gonna fall apart. I see you shaking. All the time. I can't tell if it's from coffee or anxiety but my gut tells me it's both! Seeing you break down in there earlier, it scared me. Because how many times is that going to happen when I'm not there?"

"It was just a one-off thing, Adaine! I—I—I'm taking care of myself, I—"

"No, you're not!" she shouts, "You're taking care of your grades, your extra credit, Kristen's campaign, the mystery, and everyone around you, but not yourself, and I'm scared for you!"

"Adaine—"

"It—it's like I'm watching you tear yourself apart and I can't do anything to stop it! That's what it feels like!"

"I'm sorry, okay!? I just, I can't—"

Before Adaine knows it, she's getting up, walking out the room, and shutting the door with a loud slam.

-

Riz doesn't know where he went wrong, but somewhere along the way, he fucked up, and now Adaine is crying in another room, and he's sitting speechless on her bed.

And his head fucking hurts.

Then there's a knock at the door.

"Adaine?" Riz asks.

"It's Fig. Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

Fig comes inside, shuts the door behind her, sets down a plate in front of Riz, and sits beside him on the bed.

The plate has a bit of fruit, a couple slices of pizza, and a couple pain killers. She pulls a water bottle out of her pocket and hands it to him. He takes it wordlessly and downs the painkillers immediately.

"Adaine is fine, she just needed a second to cool down. Are you okay? How are you feeling?"

She rests a hand on his knee, and the way she looks at him gives him a sense of anxiety he can't quite pinpoint.

"How much did Adaine tell you?"

"She just said you had a hard day, and she's worried about you. I don't know anything else, but... well..."

Riz stares at the plate. His stomach hurts. He skipped breakfast this morning—not hungry and not enough time—and had a club meeting during lunch, and then passed out before he even got here.

So why does it feel so hard to just eat what's right in front of him?

"Riz, you're shaking."

"I think I freaked Adaine out, Fig," he says, getting off the bed to pace.

"She's just worried about you, man. Honestly, I am too. What even happened?"

"Adaine thinks I'm not taking care of myself," he says as he paces, his tail flicking back and forth.

"Are you?" Fig asks, and Riz bites down the urge to hiss at her incredulous tone.

"I am!" he shouts, sucking in a breath. And another. And another.

It's hard to breathe.

No. This isn't going to happen twice in one day.

"Riz, come sit down," Fig says, guiding him back to the bed by the shoulders. He does so without protest, and sits cross-legged on the bed, holding onto his ankles.

"S—suh—sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me," he stutters, taking in shaky breath after shaky breath.

"I think you're just stressed," Fig says, rubbing his back.

"I'm always stressed, though."

"But you're like, really stressed."

Riz curls in on himself a little and shuts his eyes, feeling tears start to fall again.

"It's okay, Riz," Fig says, "You should eat. It might make you feel better."

"'M not hungry."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Yesterday."

"Riz!"

"What?"

"Open your mouth."

He does, with his eyes still closed. Maybe it's a bad idea, but he's too exhausted to care.

And then Fig is shoving a slice of pizza into his mouth.

"Bite."

He does.

"Chew."

He does.

"Swallow."

He does.

"Good."

"Don't you have anything better to do than feed me?" Riz asks. He barely even tasted it.

"Nope!"

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend, and I love you, and I want you to be okay."

Riz thinks back to the note that "Gorgug" left him. In the emotions of the moment he hadn't realized, but when he looked at it again, he recognized Fig's handwriting right away.

He confronted her about it, and she'd since started leaving notes signed by her, on his locker, in his backpack, at his desk...

Sometimes, Riz has so much love for everyone around him that he doesn't know what to do with himself.

And sometimes, when that love is returned, he feels even more lost.

Because love means worry. Love means checking in. Love means making sure you're sleeping. Love means making sure you're eating. Love means tearing yourself apart to help your friends, but it also means helplessly watching your friend tear himself apart, Riz supposes.

He doesn't know what to do.

"I love you too, Fig," he whispers, and she's hugging him, and he's crying again.

He eats some more pizza, not saying much else and just listening to Fig ramble about her songwriting, and Ayda, and songwriting about Ayda until her phone buzzes. She checks it.

"Mm, I'm gonna head back. You gonna be okay?"

He nods.

And she's gone.

And there's another knock.

And Adaine steps in.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you," she says. Her face is red and puffy. "It's just, I'm just—"

"It's okay," he says, standing up to face her.

"I just, I get so worried—"

"I know. I know. But I—I'm okay. Um... I slept, remember? And I've been eating, see?" he says, gesturing toward the plate of half eaten food.

"Why are you in so many clubs? You're smart enough to know that you're overworking yourself. I know you are."

"Uh—"

Riz swallows.

"I—I don't—uh—"

"Never mind, let's talk about that another day," she says, sparing him, and summoning Boggy a second later for him to hold. "Do you want to watch a movie? With the others, I mean. Unless you want to watch it with just me, or if you don't want to. Or if you just want to watch a movie by yourself!"

"I'll watch a movie with everyone," Riz says, giving her a weak smile, and watching her sigh in relief.

And so the night continues with Riz curled up on the couch between Adaine and Fig, watching some movie he doesn't understand and he's too tired to parse, and he still feels that baseline of tension he always has, but at least he's got love.

He'll always have that.

And he closes his weary eyes.

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

[copperbadge]

I had a very successful and entertaining day today, as you guys can probably tell from the posts I made. There's a few more queued posts of stuff I didn't get to post in-situ, so enjoy that!

Some anecdotes I did not post about from today:

-- I can't remember the last time I queued for a museum. Mostly because if it's not one of "my" museums, like the Field or the Art Institute where I know the best ways in, I'm attending on a weekday deliberately so that I am not amongst the crowds. The line to get into the British Museum was a full block long, but to be fair it only took me ten minutes from opening to get inside. I was mostly amused by the people who a) didn't understand how museum entry works or b) didn't understand how to stand in a line without also blocking foot traffic on the rest of the sidewalk.

-- Almost got in a fight with someone, a definite first for me in a museum. I got salty with a guy who touched a sculpture when he knew he shouldn't, and he got up in my face, and I think genuinely the fact that I knew what the sculpture was called and he didn't confused him so badly he backed down. So if you're looking to defuse a situation via confusion, the phrase "Hey, don't fucking touch the Lamassu and we won't have a problem" worked for me.

-- The British Museum is great but among other issues (looted objects, weird relics of museum-specific imperialism, etc) it does suffer from poor display design in places. I'm okay with that, I kind of like old museums that are a little fucked up, even as I acknowledge that old fucked-up museums also have old fucked-up messaging. They appear to be trying on that front, but they could use a display placard overhaul. At one point I found an object in a case that appeared to be a carved human leg bone, and while I'm not a Bone Specialist there was also absolutely no placard about the bone at all. (I looked it up in the collection later using other objects in the case as reference, and it's just noted as "bone".)

-- I did have a great time overall; I saw most of the museum and then had a fancy meal, as documented. I was especially pleased to get to sample their coronation chicken since I collect tastings of coronation chicken, and I think they either used molasses in it or the bread had some, and either way it's grist for my mill as I start to develop The Chicken Salad War. After lunch I went on the hunt for a few last things, but I could feel myself getting tired and Becoming Unmedicated so I decided to leave a little early, which was the right choice, and gave me a little time to do some exploring.

-- @neil-gaiman did a post a while ago about stuff to see in London which I saved, and while I mostly planned my own journey, I did stop at Atlantis Books on his recommendation, which was well worth it. The woman working the till left me alone until I was ready to buy my book, then praised my choice (always a good move) and made a few minutes' small talk about my visit from America while she was ringing me up. Also I have never seen such a variety of Tarot decks for sale in my life. It was extremely impressive given the entire shop is roughly the size of my bedroom in Chicago.

All in all an excellent day out in London. Tomorrow I'm traveling to meet up with a friend, so probably fewer photos, but day after tomorrow I'm bound for Amsterdam so expect Rijksmuseum photos! I did not get into the Vermeer exhibit sadly, but I still want to see the museum and I'm on a quest for freshly made stroopwaffels and authentic gjetost, so I'm excited for the journey. I thought this trip might be one small anxiety after another -- would I be okay on the plane, would I get on the right trains, etc -- but I'm feeling more confident now, and I think between my early-bird tendencies and the ADHD meds I kicked the jet lag pretty quickly. I'm off to bed in a few, because tomorrow is an early day, so I guess we'll find out then how much I really kicked it....

[actuallyadhd]

The reason I realised I might have adhd was my brother, he's so clearly autistic so I did research to make sure.

When I brought it up with my mother she told me to not tell him.

I finally got my diagnosis after 3 years of trying to get it, of going deeper and deeper into it.

Idk, I never hated it? I never hated my adhd. Back in 2020 I was a more active person? In terms of doing the things I liked and doing art.

Now I'm slow, tired, fatigued.

And that happened after I took meds. Apparently ritalin prozac and anxiety meds aren't supposed to be taken together, Idk what my therapist was thinking.

She told me to get anxiety meds for my stimming, cause I stim cause I'm nervous. But I KNOW that I don't. I stim when I'm excited, or when I can't focus.

When I'm anxious, when I'm angry I go stiff a a rock, I get focused sharp, because I have to be, it's a defense mechanism.

I don't hate adhd I don't hate meds inheritly either. But I hate how my meds made me a zombie, that I was forced to go on them so I could achieve this academic goal.

Maybe if I lived in a place with better mental healthcare I wouldn't be dealing with the effects of bad medication and my worsening depression.

I'm slightly better now, but my executive function got fucked. I can't just, do the things I like anymore. I feel less feelings than I did before.

I don't hate myself I just, I guess I'm in a hurry to heal from everything when I'm still living with the people that abused and continue to abuse me emotionally.

Specially my abelist mother who keeps saying adhd and autism aren't a disability, and they're just a quirk like her being left handed.

My dad has finally came to the realisation that he probably has adhd like me.

I'm a uni student now and living in a dorm away from my family has helped me regain that control I had and live a healthier life. But I'm back now over the summer and I can feel myself going back to my old ways the more I stay at my family home.

Idk,

Is this cptsd? Idk what it is.

Is it bad to say I love my adhd? Usually at least. When there's no one breathing down my neck not letting me do my own thing, when I don't get pulled into random places and have a choice to stay. And say no.

I guess things will get worse before they get better....

Sent August 18, 2024

There's definitely a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will do my best to offer suggestions and reassurance, as always.

It makes sense that your brother is autistic and you have ADHD; both are highly heritable, and seem to be related in some way. So it also makes sense that your dad has now realized he probably has ADHD!

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so have a cut.

Stimming & Anxiety

Neurotypical people think that the only reason for fidgeting is anxiety.

It's not.

As a general rule, it's either expressive (as when we're happy or excited or upset) or regulating (as when we need to focus or feel overwhelmed).

And if stimming or fidgeting isn't disruptive or hurting anyone (including yourself), it definitely doesn't need to be medicated. WTAF.

Medication Issues

Medication can be tricky. The wrong meds can cause more problems than they solve. Even the right med at the wrong dose can be a problem!

Examples from my own life:

Starting dose of Concerta didn't do much, next dose up gave me a week-long anxiety attack.

Starting dose of Welbutrin made me feel like I was About to Die for a week.

Dexedrine initially made me NOT HUNGRY for three weeks. I lost 10 lbs.

Strattera made me depressed and adversely affected my typing (been accurately touch typing since I was 11, suddenly was making really weird typos).

Good dose of sertraline (Zoloft) helped my anxiety and depression but caused me to start skin picking in earnest; next dose up had me closing in on serotonin syndrome.

Adderall worked well (until it didn't) but also made me feel ill after I ate yogurt.

It sounds like you would need to try other meds or other doses, preferably one at a time(!), to find what works best for you overall.

Executive Function & Depression

It sounds like your depression is your biggest problem right now. Depression can worsen executive functioning, so that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your prescribing doctor about your medication regime. Ask what your options are and if you can please work on getting off the antidepressant so you can try something else.

Alongside this, you may well be dealing with ADHD burnout, which I am only just coming out of myself. It's a struggle, to be sure!

My best advice for that is to be gentle with yourself. Don't expect yourself to Do All the Things; instead, keep a master list of things that need to get done and choose three of them to focus on each day (your Goals) and three fun ones to try to get to each day (your gravy).

It's okay if sometimes one of your Goals is to get dressed.

Parent Stuff

It sounds like your mom is trying to make you feel better or maybe herself(?). If that's how she needs to think of this all, let her. What matters is that she understands when you're struggling and is willing to support you. If not, you might like to refer her to this Russell Barkley video.

It's great that your dad has realized he has ADHD, though! Even if he doesn't bother to pursue a formal diagnosis, just knowing that can help a lot since if he's having issues he knows where to find suggestions that are more likely to actually work (because stuff that works for neurotypical people almost never works for ADHDers, while stuff that works for us also works for NT's).

Family Systems Theory says that how we behave around our family members is directed by how our family works as a system. There are also smaller systems within the whole that affect how individuals relate to each other. This is why we tend to fall back into childhood patterns when we're around our family of origin. Those patterns are ingrained through years of conditioning.

CPTSD?

While I don't think Gabor Maté is right about trauma and ADHD, I do think that it's pretty common for ADHDers to have childhood trauma. We spend years getting in trouble for stuff we couldn't control and being held to a standard we simply can't reach due to our ADHD, and that affects our self-esteem and is (to my mind) a big reason why so many of us have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is that huge emotional reaction we can have to criticism (real or perceived).

I have found a lot of reassurance and helpful information about CPTSD through watching videos from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She reads letters from people and helps them with their problems, and she explains the problems faced by people who have CPTSD and offers ways to deal with them.

Loving ADHD

I don't think it's bad to love your ADHD. I do think it's a little weird, because most of us hate it a lot of the time, but I definitely see positives in my own life and view it as a neutral (if annoying) part of who I am.

I actually think it's great that you do love it, because it's going to be part of your life forever. Making sure you have systems in place to deal with the stuff that's challenging is going to be really important moving forward, but that's part of what this Tumblr is for.

Overall, I think you are probably doing better than you think you are, and once your meds get sorted you'll be in a much better space in general.

Followers, do you have anything to add, or any corrections to something I've said?

-J

[pb-dot]

The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

[limeade-l3sbian]

I really need help with the whole morning paralysis thing. My psychiatrist keeps pushing anti anxiety meds on me but not only do they not work but they make me feel so like lethargic and numb.

I hate feeling like this. I waste 3 hours every morning just laying on my bed waiting for it to pass, people keep saying do yoga, move your body a little but like I can't???? I'm literally like paralyzed in bed, if I move my arm just to reach my phone I feel like there's pounds and pounds of heavy iron inside it.

I really wanna get better and I'm willing to do what it takes I just need to know what.

I'm not really a pro or anything so my advice is strictly based on what I personally do.

I think what helps me in these moments is both somewhat helpful but also uncomfortable. I ask myself what specifically I am anxious about. Because what I'm anxious about can vary at times or it can be the same reason. Either way, in situations where I HAVE to get up soon but can't move, I ask myself, "What am I afraid of today?"

Doesn't matter how big or small it is, it just matters that you address it.

What sticks out to me is that you say when you reach for your phone, it is like an extreme weight. But all this tells me is that you can move. It is laborious and feels like the most effort you've ever used, but it is possible. Because that feeling of "I can't move" is an unfortunate power of the brain. Good lord is that thing powerful. But it is possible! Your fear, the soundness of which is not being questioned, has literally debilitated you on a physical level so intense that you cannot move. But it has also deceived you into believing that you cannot do something you very much can.

I don't know the depth of your anxiety. I don't know the severity beyond this obvious hurdle. But something that helped me growing up with anxiety was facing the fact that something I was anxious about was going to happen. It's weird, but I used to get genuinely nervous about falling in front of people. I was scared to be perceived and when that perception came, it came with embarrassment of my clumsiness.

I grew up poor and always running out of time, it seems. Always on other people's schedules (parents, school, the bus, etc.). So to be honest, I was kind of forced to work through my anxiety because I couldn't afford not to. And this isn't saying anything about you. I'm saying this to say that my advice may sound so straightforward because I never really got the chance to ease out of it. But in a way, it really helped.

I don't want to lie and say "you're worried about nothing!" because honestly, the shit that keeps you frozen in place is likely very real. And I'm rambling a little so I'll say this: for the small things, you must know that they are just going to eventually happen. you are going to 'make a fool of yourself' in front of people, you are going to fall, you are going to drop something, you are going to misunderstand, you are going to make someone upset. these things are going to happen. and honestly, the more they do, the more you must tell yourself "i was okay the last time this happened. embarrassed but okay."

For bigger issues like fear of attack, impending financial issues, potential death of someone, etc..: All you can do is all you can do. Unfortunately, the world is kinda shit right now. And that's also important to remember! Are you unreasonably anxious, or are you responding to this current world around you the same way anyone would? You can only control your efforts. And this shit sounds generic as fuck but it's true.

I promise you, talking to yourself OUT LOUD about these things will hit you different. You might cry and you might even feel more anxious, but facing the things that are literally keeping you prisoner in your own body will not fix everything, but will help you start to reclaim yourself.

[lastoneout]

So the vet gave us some nausea, anxiety, and sleep meds to make the next two weeks more comfortable for my dog, you know just long enough to last until The Appointment, cuz he's clearly having a really bad time, but part of me was kinda hoping he might actually start doing better(and the vet said she thought he really might) and it's really sucking to realize they aren't doing anything at all.

(readmore cuz this got very sad and long sorry)

'Cuz so far the nausea meds seem to be making him throw up more?? Or at least he's throwing up just as much as he was before we gave them to him, and despite him being on a pretty hefty dose of anxiety and sleep meds not only is he STILL pacing all night(which keeps us awake bcs it's loud) he's pacing EVEN MORE and I can tell the meds are doing something bcs he's clearly inebriated but it's not helping him sleep it's just making it so as he paces he runs into everything and falls over a bunch which is making tons of noise...

It's just really hard to watch, cuz it highlights how much he's suffering, and that's just the puking and the pacing, he's also almost bitten me(which he's NEVER done before) when I was just trying to clean off his paw cuz he stepped in the throw up, and he also keeps snarling at my fiancé and he's got trauma from a severe dog bite he had as a child so that's not ideal to say the least, and he keeps going to the bathroom on our back porch instead of waiting until he gets onto the dirt and like...I just am starting to wonder if deciding to put off saying goodbye for two weeks was like really selfish on my part?? Especially bcs every day I just feel so bad for him that I'm depressed and I can't eat and it's just awful for us both.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, I really do, but I think his health has really gotten to a point where it's effecting everyone in the house super negatively(on top of the fear of dogs being triggered my fiancé is a light sleeper and the constant pacing keeps him up) but like god then I feel awful bcs I shouldn't be thinking about making things easier on myself, right? Even if my dog's a burden I love him and I should put in the work...but yeah it's just...it's so fucking bad and I have no idea how ANY of us are going to survive the next two weeks and that alone is making me feel way more like shit than anything else.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing, not by waiting, but by knowing that it's time for us to let him go, because god I can't even remember the last time he wagged his tail or got excited or happy about literally anything and he can't sleep or keep food down and he's 13 so it's not like we can fix it(and even if we could I doubt we could afford it, we can barely afford his meds) and the meds aren't even helping and I can't keep putting him through all this just because of my emotional baggage.

And I know all of this is the price we pay for loving each other and it's so very worth it but god is it hard sometimes. It's really fucking hard. And idk why but last year with my other dog it didn't feel this way, I didn't hate myself or feel selfish, maybe because she was def suffering a LOT but also she was still...idk she still had her wits about her? We really got to say goodbye, like she was still there for us to say goodbye to. This time kinda feels like I'm keeping someone on life support despite knowing they're never going to wake up bcs I can't deal with it and it's making me hate myself SO much I didn't even know what to do.

He barely even recognizes me anymore, and I can't comfort him no matter how hard I try. I almost feel like there's nothing for me to even say goodbye to because he's constantly confused and flinches when I pet him and won't come near me even when I call him over and keeps trying to bite me when I try to help him.

I just wish I could help him. Or that I could like...let him know that's what I'm trying to do, that I'm still here and I still love him. But I can't even do that.

[icharchivist]

Ok I need to tell someone (already told my brother but I was being reassuring w/ him and i want to be dramatic)

I ALMOST LOST MY FINGER

MY RING FINGER ON MY LEFT HAND

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

so I have a family ring i wear on that finger, and yesterday i twisted my ankle, fell and caught myself by my hands, and the edges of the ring are sharp enough i guess that it cut my finger 2-3 mm into my FLESH on the bottom of the ring, where the finger connects with the palm

and I have anxiety, so as one does I stressed over it BUT told noone because I wanted it to like, go away on its own. I put mercurochrome on it and then i assumed it was good.

the part that is important to understand is that because I am fat, but I put on the ring on that finger when I weighed 10 kilos less, the ring is stuck on. I have not taken off the ring in YEARS. and i still couldnt take it off because, despite the fact that it hurt, I didn't magically lose those 10 kilos when I fell.

so I went to bed. because i am on a pain medication (hip problems) i didn't notice any bad pain, but oh boy. The ring was still there. And whilst I control my hand movements during the day, when I sleep it's a fucking PARTY apparently because when I woke up, the finger...

whilst it was not cut off!! the cut was deeper!!!! by a few mm!!!!!!!

and it still did not hurt, and also barely bled (because the blood flow on that finger was not ideal due to the ring), so i put a bandaid on and did my things. including DRAGGING A FULLY LOADED GROCERY CART AROUND WITH MY LEFT HAND

but then i was like "it hurts a lot" and then remembered that since i am on pain meds, it must HURT A LOT A LOT

so i went to the pharmacy, when the lady took one look at it and went "you have to go to the emergency room" and I went "why?" (because im a MORON) to which she answered "you are going to loose your finger? if you don't take off that ring that is CUTTING YOUR FINGER OFF??? theyre gonna cut it off at the emergency room" and THANK GOD WE'RE FRENCH because "ils vont la couper" was gendered of course but now writing it back in english it sounds like she meant my finger haha but no she meant they're gonna cut the ring at the emergency room

the ermergency room

the room that is for emergencies

the room that is for emergencies that I toooootally went to

....

so i, after hearing her advice, i did not heed her advice, and did NOT go to the emergency room (i don't have a car)

...

BECAUSE I AM SMART and remembered there was a jeweler on the same street, so I went to the jeweler, and he said "?didn't they tell you to go to the emergency room?" and I said "can't you do it?" and he was super nice and careful, whilst he cut off the ring - the ring which belonged to my dead grandma, that she gave me to remind me that our family would always be there for me even if they passed (like SHE DID - jk at the time she meant my dead uncle, not her, she was alive when she gave it to me) so yeah i feel SUPER GUILTY ABOUT CUTTING IT OFF BUT IT WAS IT OR ME FINGER still i feel guilty about it

and then i went back to the pharmacy and the lady was like "yOU CUT IT OFF YOURSELF????" because she knew I was back after only 15 minutes or so, and she knows where I live (since its my neighbourhood pharmacy) so I think she thought I went back to my flat to do it myself haha

I reassured her I hadn't, and i showed her the cut and she went "hmmm ok doesnt need stitches.... .... ...............for now" ?????????????? then she gave me a product to help it heal+scar safely, and she sent me on my merry way so i guess in the end im all good................... .for now

(I typed this message veeeeeery carefully I swear)

(thank you for listening haha)

oh my fucking GOD JULIETTE??? THAT'S TERRIFYING??????

it somehow gets worse in worse in each paragraphes and it starts out PRETTY BAD TO START WITH

Although now i can't help but be a bit worried, i admit i'm also amazed and horrified by how long it took to take care of it..... while also thinking about how with the combo anxiety+distance i probably would also have tried to ignore it until it goes away so i can't actually judge you on this one

I'm just glad it ended up being okay and you managed to work around it. So sorry the ring had to be cut for it though :( but i guess you can see it as payback. it did cut you first after all!

I do understand the need to be dramatic to deal with this situation and i'm glad you did it here though. At least it's ending well.

And DO be careful with your hands now :o

anyway i wish you a good recovery and good luck with your new bandage-themed-ring that will hopefully make this situation easier.

Take care!!!

[heartfucksmouth]

not to sound like a broken record cliché, but motherhood is truly the most difficult and beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

I'm constantly fascinated by my child, I can't get enough of kissing his face and head and smelling his scent, holding his tiny hands or massaging his little toes. I'm in love with his bright curious eyes and the glimpse of a smile passing over his face.

and I'm also overwhelmed and frustrated when he cries for hours and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes all night. I'm terrified when he suddenly spits up so much formula it comes out his nose and he can't breathe for the longest 10 seconds of my life. I'm anxious when he isn't near me, and I get waves of distrust washing over me whenever someone else is caring for him so I can sleep. I have moments where I question what I've done, whether I've ruined my life - or his, I search my mind for ways of escaping and I scare myself with scenarios of grandparents taking custody of him bc I'm unfit. I make myself cry picturing Myles trying to raise him by himself without me.

6 weeks post partum. 1 month and 11 days. I'm finally asking for my meds to be adjusted bc I feel I'm barreling head first into PPD/PPA and my high blood pressure is back. I just got a new therapist that also is a parent by my request, and she called me today bc she wanted to check on me. my mom has been here most days to let me catch up on sleep, but she talks about her life and freezes when I have moments of anxiety and actually look to her supposed parenting experience for comfort and help. it wounds me deep. and myles mom takes Aidan for hours at a time, so I can sleep or shower or eat dinner with myles, but its not always to my liking because I fear she'll hold it over our heads someday - or she secretly thinks we're incapable of being parents. I get help with Aidan every day (while others do it all by themselves) and yet I feel so alone and like no one will come to my rescue when i need it. all the offers of help during my pregnancy seem to have disappeared. I wish friends would offer to come instead of the mothers I have relationship issues with. but then... who are my friends, really? my therapist says how I'm lucky I have all this support but it feels like a gut punch and I need to tell her next time that I don't feel like I have support at all. when I go into panic attacks, I message multiple people reaching out, asking for encouragement, for validation from other parents. but I don't have anyone checking in on me or offering to get together or even offering to help in a physically present way. besides my damn mom. my therapist and psych nurse are like "I'm always here for you, reach out" but they don't mean "text me at 3am if you're having a hard time" - they mean "call my extension and leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can"

the pendulum of my emotions is swinging so wildly and I just want some balance. I keep getting told everything I'm experiencing is normal, but if that's the case, there's something very fucking wrong with the way we treat motherhood, pregnancy, all of it (and there is).

I hope a med adjustment will help me, and I'm trying to reach out and build a village of my own. everyone talks about mental health, and recently PPD etc but everyone is burnt out and dealing with their own overwhelm and everyone is a breath away from a crisis. it all just feels crazy. I want to feel hopeful again. I want to feel like the world isn't on fire.

[marblesouled]

tbh i still don't know. i do feel i'm losing my mind and life rn, one way or other. and it's really awful in a sense i don't know what or who to believe. i'm so easily influenced and obviously can't think clearly, because i'm out of it. my mind has taken me captive and the schizo there is giving out orders.

i both love and hate my new friend. some things he does and says bug me and i start to wonder if i'm doing the right thing by letting him influence me so strongly. because he really is a strong character whose word is truth. i'm more used to milder souls like my dear crush who take me the way i am and don't try to change me. but maybe i need to change? it's a super complicated situation for me and i'm scared of being broken by it all in the end. should i follow another crazy person? won't that dangerous mixture cause only more madness and chaos? why is madness's allure always so siren-like for me that i follow blindly leaving my past principles behind? i mean, it's fun to whirl with the thunder cloud, but you might get scorched by the lightning.

like yesterday, at first it seemed he was very compassionate towards my situation and told he really felt for me in my hour of trouble. but then the next moment he was telling me to go to work and start waking up with an alarm clock. when i had just told him i was getting insufficient sleep and i have very little energy to do anything at all, let alone think about such a thing as going to work. but he keeps pushing me to do stuff all the time for progress and checks up on me to confirm i've done these things or he gets angry. like last night he told me to train on my exercise bike every day and send him the time. this really irks me. like this constant mind control. i'm not sure i know who i am anymore or maybe i really have been one lazy piece of shit who needs to get better at every aspect of my life that has been ruled by my mental state. maybe i do need to control myself, be a normal person like everyone else. have i been using my depression and anxiety as an excuse? i really don't know anything and my mind is fucked!!

and it feels awful even complaining about it, because i feel he has helped me and we've made so many plans for future activities, like getting tattoos together! but honestly, his intensity and angriness frightens me sometimes. still, it really has been fun to do stuff with a person who is brave and willing to try everything. it's given me so much hope for the future, because i know noone else in my life who is like that. last night really was great! but it breaks my heart to think maybe my so-called social progress could be mere mania instead. then i'd be lost again and left depressed. is it my curse?? the schizoaffective disorder i'm suffering from? and am i really such a stupid hopeless case who could only cope with meds? because atm i still wish to continue tapering.

like i know if i told my sister everything about him, she would tell me immediately not to communicate with him any longer to protect myself. and that is also scary! i really don't know what to do, because everything is so fucked-up already. should i have believed him in the first place or stayed sceptical? i don't know what i believe in anymore and it hurts my poor brain. but i know when i meet up with him, i'm straight under his influence again and he'll continue to ask me for exercise and other proof. from a rational point of view, of course i realise it's a situation with blaring red flags, but then i think from the point of view of my madness and that this 'tough therapist/life coach' role he's taken is good for me, like he says. because we do to cool stuff and he makes me try things i've actually wanted to try, but haven't dared like asking a girl making firewood to let me saw a piece of wood last night. there's so much positivity and energy in him, he easily befriends strangers and knows how to converse with them. i really could learn from that. but... he has himself many times mentioned he's not right in the head and has been engaged in some dangerous behaviour i find a bit challenging to condone. or maybe i should just open my mind more? i freakin' don't know. i get a feeling my crush finds him too intense as well and now i'm sorry i invited him into our circle. will it all become a shit show? who or what should i trust in this? i certainly cannot lean on my mind.

[whoslaurapalmer]

ooooooo it's time for a lulu makes her way through therapy update 🪅

- yesterday was psychiatrist day and my brother had to drive me which was very thrilling for all involved, because the psychiatrist was initially my brother's and has known my brother since he was a teenager and saw us both in the waiting room and got so excited and went '!!!!!! is this a switch?? am I seeing both of you??? Or are you here just for the purposes of transportation' and I said HE'S JUST TRANSPORTATION TODAY

- what's nice about him is that even if he was the one who prescribed the prozac he doesn't push me on it at ALL. EVERYONE keeps saying 'why wont you take it?' and He's like, 'no lulu, you don't have to. It's okay if it's just there. Quite frankly. I don't know if you need it right now?' Which was very nice!! because I've been doing very well lately!!!!! not super focused if at all on my breathing or anxiety or panic!!!!!! And it's nice to hear SOMEONE ELSE say 'you sound like you're doing really good!!' but also acknowledge that that doesn't mean the end of talking to people about my problems or not trying to do different things!!

- it's so fucking stupid every damn time when most of my problems are in fact solved by drinking more water. that's what I really focused on this month. And trying to eat a good amount. And trying to be more like. It sounds so STUPID to say mindful but that's what it is!! When I start to panic I started saying hello to everything in the room. and myself more frequently in mirrors. I get so stuck in my head and can't get out of it and give anxiety and panic so much weight that trying to refocus outside of me helped a lot. I also started a gratitude app and I do it twice a day and that's nice too!!!! For really appreciating little things about my town and my house and the things I interact with and the people I know. It's helpful to make myself notice more about where I always am and that's not bad.

- BUT MEANWHILE so I told him, I am trying to placebo effect myself.

- my psychiatrist: ..........explain 🤔

- so I wanted to take SOMETHING for my anxiety. But I cannot do side effects. But I figured, the brain can be tricked and rerouted, right?? because it's silly like that!!! so I just have to reroute it a specific way!! And I can PRETEND I'm taking something for anxiety!! so I was looking for something that like. Idk, would 1) look like a pill 2) be something that I could take like a pill but also WHENEVER, whenever I was anxious too. I tried to do it with like things I already take, like sinus stuff and vitamins, but I might switch sinus meds again depending on how this month's ENT goes, and I figured it'd be better to have something that I registered as SPECIFICALLY for anxiety, and not multiple things.

- I picked altoids!!!!! I really wanted a mint bc mint is distracting on its own being so potent. I let them dissolve under my tongue for maximum vibes and so the mint experience lasts as long as possible. I have one in the morning and one in the afternoon at vaguely the same time and started out thinking each time 'I'm taking this to help with my anxiety' and within a few weeks my brain morphed it into 'don't forget to take your anxiety medication :) ' which we both found FASCINATING.

-I don't know if it IS helping??? Especially bc at the same time i DID up the eating and water. But it is a Thing!!!! and I like it a lot!!!!!! So maybe it is helping too!!!!!!

- my psychiatrist: we should tell altoids. they're missing out on a marketing angle. anyway this is very exciting! The placebo effect is so intriguing.