#10 years ago i was in school. completely different part of my life than now. it feels 'accurate' to be a decade old

[tardis--dreams]

Pompeii came out 10 years ago: sounds right. that's not even that long ago?!

Last all time low concert was 5.5 years ago: absolutely not. that's literally impossible. that's like half a lifetime, the Fuck?!

[thirdnap]

Hello,

Here is the life update of my past 4 years.

I began this blog many years ago in 2012 when I was only 14 years old, and I then slowly gained the courage to start posting art at 17 when I joined the K fandom. It's wild to think that I am now 25!

I was never quite consistent in posting since I only shared my art here whenever I felt like it, but it slowed down ever so gradually to basically 1 post a year for Yata’s birthday. This blog helped me with my fear of showing my art to others as I was incredibly embarrassed of my work for a really long time.

I soon moved to the USA from my homeland and attended animation school for 1 year, and then studied illustration and visual development for 4 years and I managed to accomplish many things I never could have imagined. I graduated with honors this past May, was selected by the faculty and head of department as my major’s trustee scholar, completed my 84-page art book thesis, got a few pieces into the Society of Illustrators, and my school even shot a mini docu-film about me, my art and my life where I got to share my upbringing. Art school was very demanding and at times tough but I managed to get a lot out of it :)

In July of this year, I moved to California from Florida and I’m much happier than I’ve ever been. I come from a very small country so I never expected to get this far in the art world. I drew Yata for fun in my bedroom whenever I wanted to and now I’m in LA breaking into the animation industry (receiving my first credit too!)

the drawings I share here are a very very small part of the illustrations I make weekly. I wish I could share them with everyone as I’m very proud of them but I enjoy separating my fandom life from my real life a little too much! Surprisingly I am working as a background artist at the moment despite never drawing backgrounds in this blog lol. I think many of you would be surprised at how different my work is from irl!!

It hasn’t always been great, so I don't want to make it seem like it's been all perfect. I’ve had many hard times too and at the moment I am extremely homesick since I haven't returned home in a long time but I think these are needed sacrifices.

However, I'm excited for 2024. I'm looking forward to growing as an artist and my goal is to continue to have fun with art as much as I have right now. I think I’m lucky to have a great support system including my best friend @fuurais who has been by my side for 10+ years and I managed to convert into a K artist too <3

Thank you for the support, for the kind messages, and for the excitement every time I post. I am always happy when I think of this blog and the friends I made. I unironically think about Yata every day as he is past being my comfort character tbh. I am currently writing this with full-on orange hair that I've had for a few years now lol.

I don’t think I’ll be as active as I was at 17 but I will try to not ghost this blog completely. There are a lot of things I haven’t drawn yet that I really want to do and I'd love to share those drawings with everyone.

Lots of love -

Tael <3

[fostercare-expat]

Fearless is really doing my head in with his self sabotage. He is about to turn 10. He just had an amazing weekend. He spent a night at my former husband’s place and was very well behaved. He spent 2 nights with me and was very well behaved. But Monday morning at his school care programme, they sent him home by 10am for misbehaving. His mom’s boyfriend was home, and in his mom’s instructions, he wasn’t allowed his phone or TV. Apparently he screamed at mom’s boyfriend for 3 hours until his mom got home from work. Then he screamed at her. She said he can’t be in the house and act this way and told him to stand outside in the hallway, he wouldn’t leave, she went to drag him out, he punched and kicked her, he even knocked out her contact from her eye. And he said horrible things to her with lots of bad words, and about what a horrible mother she is and how he doesn’t want to live with her anymore. Boyfriend tried to intervene and he tried to punch him too. It sounded really horrible. And they live in a crowded building where everyone has their windows open, so of course every neighbour heard. Eventually he laid down on the bed and went to sleep. He apologised the next day, but of course the is a lot of damage which can’t be undone.

His mom is so upset about the things he said. Personally I’m much more concerned about his kicking and punching. (Interesting cultural difference between his mom and I.)

His mom has contacted his counsellor, who said to give him a some time to cool off. I offered to come talk to him, but his mom said he still needs space, which is fair.

Before when there was violence at home 4 years ago, his behaviour made total sense. And then he had been removed from his mom’s care and his life felt very out of control, and it made sense. He's been back living with his mom for 3.5 years even, with basically zero violence and minimal change, other than his mom’s boyfriend’s moving in about 1.5 years ago (after 2 years of long distance dating), and that seems to have gone fairly smoothly and they have a good relationship.

But things have been very stable for while, it seems he seems like he's not stablizing. I guess trauma is an long lasting monster and this isn't much time in the life of a child, but I really thought things should be better by now. There are so many people pouring love into this kiddo. He has counselling, sports after school and weekend, private tutoring in his subject he struggles in, a positive same-race male figure in his life, extended family he is close with, a continuing relationship with his foster family (me), a bit of extra money in the family now that his mom is out of school and working, etc. Yet I guess it all just needs more time? I guess I just think he needs to step up and take some responsibility for his own behaviour now. Part of me feels like he’s causing a lot of his own problems logically I know he is 9 and I know trauma is long lasting and I know he’s not completely out of control, but I admit that I thought it would be better by now.

[skinnytuna]

it is occuring to me that the longer im alive the less possible it becomes for the people around me to understand my fully story and lineage. the friends ive had for 10 years have missed a ton and the friends ive had for 1 year have missed a ton. but 10 years ago all of my friends knew everything important because so little of note had happened.

my god. what a burden to bear. especially with my memory being as shit as it is. i can't possibly be expected to retain and sort my sum of arcs. but also no one else can either? even with all of my archival. decades of files. they're all missing the blood and guts.

terrified of being known??? NEW FEAR UNLOCKED: terrified of being unknown. ununderstood. i've probably gone my entire relationship with my wife without sending her a single xkcd panel. im a completely different person than i was in high school! but that was an important part!

only i've been everywhere i've been... only i've heard everything i've heard... only i've said everything i've said! there are probably 0 people on earth who have witnessed both of my tumblr eras. dude i'm desperate. i told grug my entire life story a month ago but i left way too much out. it would take weeks. hold fuck im so old already and im not even old yet. i'm not even not even not even old yet. i'm not even 30.

it frightens me how much i've mellowed out. i'm still a crazy person but like. i present no danger to myself or others? i don't even break that many laws anymore? i think about my taxes? im generally content? what the fuck is that, dude. i need to get in a screaming match with someone.

do you remember being young and having a friendship-destroying argument over something as mundane as like, thinking a band sucks? do you remember being completely devastated at the most mundane happenstances? why do i miss it! maybe it's the dynamic range. i feel like i talk about this the way people talk about SSRIs.

emotional flatness but it's just flat relative to cluster B high explosives. i need to fly off the handle about bullshit again. i need to get obsessed with something pointless. i need to be a total loser who everyone's sick of. oh wait. eureka! i'm being histrionic right now! i've done it! i've attained the bullshit!

anyway. i just realized i've known some of my internet friends for over 10 years and it hit me like a sack of dicks. sorry for the outburst. will happen again if i have any fight left in me. good morning

[redheadedbrunette]

Cool so I reread the series and I noticed a lot more than I did the first two times I read it which is fun. The relationship between Ben and Erica is more explored than I remembered which is good and I can definitely see her character arc a lot clearer.

X is still my least favorite book and there’s absolutely a corner that Gibbs wrote himself into on that one unless he’s entirely giving up on the idea of having Ben and co. be secret agents.

Ben’s a lot more of a competent spy than I remember too, which is refreshing.

I also completely forgot that all 10 of these books happen in the span of like a year and a half which is hilarious.

Oh and the age gap seems like something that would be a lot more of an issue if there weren’t only like 300 people in the world they could have contact with. Even Erica and Josh had a bit of a gap since she had to have been 14/15 or so while he was 17/18. A gap of 2.5 years would be problematic for normal kids but I think different rules would apply.

I'm so glad it was clearer on a second go around! Honestly, I didn't even really see it all that clearly until I reread the series a couple years ago (SSAS came out my first week of college) and had a lot more experience with how stories work on a fundamental idea. Erica's development is very much in the background, but when you're looking for it (excluding SSPX, but that's a different rant) it's so clear and interesting and I love it.

SSPX bothers me for SO MANY REASONS the biggest of which is that Mr. Gibbs puts the message before the overarching plot of everything, and then! It's not even a relevant message! Like, what twelve year old is hardcore believing QAnon (it's pretty obviously meant to be that or something similar). I feel like something could have been achieved and a message about privacy, like Murray makes getting a video of Ben part of some TikTok knockoff challenge, because that seems like a much more likely thing kids would do, but gotta make fun of people who remember what the news said two years ago and comparing it to what they say now! Can't have people with good memories! But yeah, it does shoot the series in the foot kind of, and I understand the reasoning behind why things were done the way they were! I just don't agree with it most of the time.

It's even funnier when you realize that it's not a year and a half evenly spread out, it's one mission his first year with five months before summer, one that summer, and seven his second year. Eight if you want to count SSGS and SSBI as different missions (I go back and forth as to whether or not I do). It's so funny. Please give poor Ben a break.

And yes! Ben is actually so much more competent than people seem to give him credit for sometimes. It's just that his skill set tends to be less flashy and useful in battle scenes, but he's very much the chess master of the group. He's the one planning and strategizing, and all the karate moves in the world aren't going to do you any good if you can't actually foil the plans.

My reasoning for why I'm okay with the age gap is because the narrative treats them as equals who are more or less in the same place in life. Like, yes she's two classes ahead of him, but for all intents and purposes, they're teamed up together constantly with others in Ben's class and I think Erica is the only one we really know about in her class (can't remember Chip's age, but he might be? idk, doesn't really matter). It's never dwelt on, and it bothers me when people try to make a deal about it! Like, they're not going to be in the same place in their lives forever. It's high school. Almost no one marries the person they dated in high school. I've long held that they'd break up sometimes after Erica graduates and starts her adult life while Ben is still in school (or something similar depending on how Mr. Gibbs decides to do things moving forward).

[xanderxone]

9/19/2023

You Might Not Be Sleeping Right

Have you ever heard of Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder? No? Have you ever heard someone (perhaps yourself) call themselves a "Night Owl"? Well, friend, I'm here to tell you that those two are the same thing.

I have always struggled to wake up in the morning. If my alarm is set for anything earlier than 9am, there is a 95% chance that I will spend my entire day tired. And no matter how long and hard I tried to shift my sleep/wake cycle to be more normal, my body refuses to get tired earlier than 1am. And for basically my entire life, I have fought the instinct to stay up late and sleep in because I knew it wasn't "right." You're "supposed" to get tired a few hours after sundown and then wake up soon after the sun comes up. But what happens when you just don't?

You read a few abstracts for a few studies. Well. That's what you do if you're me at least. Joveveska, et. al., (2020) conducted an online survey and concluded that "problematic sleep was more common for the autistic participants... and autistic participants had poorer sleep quality and longer sleep onset latency" (takes them longer to fall asleep). This same study goes on to highlight that AFAB Autists™ between the ages of 20-59 are the most likely to experience sleep problems. And guess who is all three of those things? Not only that, but a different study conducted in 2017 concluded that delayed sleep phase disorder is "particularly common in adults with ASD" (Baker, 2017).

So now you may be asking, what is the point of all the research for this journal that probably no one but my wife will ever read? Well, two reasons. One, it fights my imposter syndrome to see that studies back up my real life experiences. And two, because I was that kid that was way too fucking invested in English class in high school. I'm cringe, sue me.

About a week ago, as a part of my ongoing quarter-life crisis about my identity and how I've been living my life wrong for 20 something years, I finally said "fuck it." I'm done trying to go to sleep early and wake up early. I am so lucky to have a job that lets me be flexible with my hours, so now instead of trying to go to bed by 10:30 and wake up at 7, I started going to bed around 1am (when I get tired) and waking up around 9am (almost NATURALLY & WITHOUT AN ALARM ON ONE OF THE DAYS. I was shook). And I get logged-in to work by around 9:30/9:45 and even though it means working later in the evening, my life has completely flipped, turned upside down (I'm cringe, sue me). I feel so much more alert during the day and I fall asleep so easily and naturally (without needing to be stoned). I honestly feel like a kid on summer vacation again and it is AMAZING. I am going to keep monitoring my sleep quality and alertness during the day but I think I might have found one of the pieces that my life was missing.

After all that shenanigans, today's takeaway is this: if you think you might be a night owl and you have a job that allows you flexibility with your schedule, I highly recommend trying just going to sleep when you're tired and waking up when it feels natural for a week or two and then design your life around that. It's worth a shot!

And before you ask, yes, I did just cite a study in (shitty) APA format in my journal post. I'll do it again, too. I'm cringe, sue me.

-Xander

Baker, E. K., & Richdale, A. L. (2017). Examining the Behavioural Sleep-Wake Rhythm in Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder and No Comorbid Intellectual Disability. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 47(4), 1207–1222. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3042-3

Jovevska, S., Richdale, A. L., Lawson, L. P., Uljarević, M., Arnold, S. R. C., & Trollor, J. N. (2020). Sleep Quality in Autism from Adolescence to Old Age. Autism in adulthood : challenges and management, 2(2), 152–162. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0034

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

September

hellooo, on-time this time! hehe i hope everyone is happy and healthy 💙

the end of September marks one month of school and my assignments are finally slowing down (re: there will be more it's just i've finished them for the moment so i can have some relax time). so, i finally got wind of the learning system here, it's student centered learning where we have to write a paper for every subject and do a presentation for every class, the profs are only there to correct us or complete what we left out. sounds exhausting (because it is!) but i think with this method we're 'forced' to gather as much information as possible because in order to do well we need enough knowledge on the topic. not to mention we're also graded from how active/responsive we are during classes. result is most of my 'free time' is spent reading 🙃 not entirely complaining because the major difference from first degree vs post grad school is now everything's more focused on the discipline i'm interested in hehe

most of my class is held online (god bless) and i'm, yet again, the one in charge of our class' Zoom account (which we buy ourselves instead of provided by the campus). i only go to the SaIemba campus once a week for weekly wire bending class. yes, ladies and gentlemen, wire bending is now taking over my bank account and i mean it literally because the pliers i have to buy cost me a loooooooot of money 🙃 i think this month i really exhausted my savings... the only relief provided for me is that for orthodontists we usually only buy these pliers once to be used for years, that's why it's important to buy high quality ones. kinda glad i bought my Coldplay Singapore tickets before this huhu

an update on my medical check-up, i finally got to see the internist and yep he said i have very high metabolism rate (everything i eat gets converted quickly into energy, not fat/body mass and i need to eat more carbs, but sadly i'm more of a beef veggies fruits person sigh) and that for my slightly anemic blood report i need to consume more blood replenishing food/supplements... these days i swear i’ve been eating more than i did years ago but i simply can't gain weight (still ranging around 41-43 kgs and never higher 🤡)

this September the class celebrated two of our members' birthdays! (again, i'm in charge of reminding everyone of someone's bday 😂) for the first one, kak Mandy's, i kinda made a cruel prank i really regret lol with everyone's help i tricked her we have impromptu on the spot zoom with our professor that required us to show our wire bending progress... she believed me and actually stayed up late to finish her work 😭 i swear i got her to stop and go back to sleep at 10 PM 🥺🥺🥺 but the surprise worked and she was actually surprised (& genuinely happy, i checked on her right after haha) to find us singing the hbd song as she entered the meeting room and sent her a lovely cake for her. the second one, kak Putri's, and this one we can no longer use the Zoom tactic again so we pushed back the surprise to our next wire bending class at uni, bought her pizza and coffee (her favs) and i think the best part is: after i checked in on her, she said she's touched by our efforts as she's never really experienced having people do this much for her. that answer stunned me in a way i get reminded again how being remembered is such a privilege, a rare thing, one's life goal? it's one of the best ways to leave no room for doubt that someone truly cares and loves you? seems like a simple gesture but woah. the impact it left? i think i've never felt more happier being able to remember people's bdays/preferences/likings, seeing how happy i can make someone feel? that's what i strive to do even more now 💪🏻

anyway, did i tell you already i'm the youngest in our class? and the oldest is literally 10 (ten) years older than me? so naturally... i'm also in charge of everything technical: starting from running our class' instagram account and teaching everyone efficient ways to use Google Docs and Slides to finish our assignments 😂👍🏻 i love getting treated like everyone’s little sister and calling everyone kakak/abang 🤣 yet somehow i love being the one people are (mostly) depending on? i like having responsibilities and being able to provide help i guess? 😂 and guess what: i actually also become the class' official editor. yep. one of the assignments given from the dean is to write this mini book (yes, book. not a paper) and she appointed me to be the editor! it's a rigorous task i need to be super diligent and attentive while proofreading and correcting the formatting, but yeah i enjoyed it. my editing hobby has leveled up to a semi official thing haha

last week of September my dad's coworkers held farewell parties (yes plural) for my dad as his last day of work in the entirety of 40+ years of career has finally come... it was an emotional night, almost everyone volunteered to give a lil speech for my dad and said how they've lost and will miss my dad dearly, even some of his lab assistants cried. because my dad was stationed on duty at St Regis hotel naturally i was tagging along, and my dad's subordinates arranged me to be the special guest and yeah. i got teary eyed too because i got to witness yet again how loved my dad is. anyways, i highkey will miss the 'side privileges' i'm so used to get for being a child of a Bank lndonesia employee HEHEHE i mean free staycation at five star hotels almost every week? health insurance (which stopped as i turn 25 huhu) and many many many others. oh well. now it's my time taking care of my mum and dad then, my dream to provide the same or even better treatments than what i received 🥺

with my dad entering retirement, now aside from school i’m swamped with packing and boxing. we’re slowly moving things back to the Cibubur house while i prepare some of my stuffs to carry to my cousin’s house. not gonna lie feeling quite sad because the benefits of having a house in the center of South Jakarta scene are endless! 😂 almost everything is within fingertips’ reach and i’m used to living in that part of the city that never sleeps. Cibubur’s pretty quiet and Bendi (my cousin’s house region) though just a few districts away from Blok M isn’t really the life of the party. i will miss Panglima Polim and everything surrounding it 🥹

last note: these days i'm feeling like life is really that unexpected? so many things i didn't even dream ever happening are thrusted onto my hands right now as we speak and they turn out to be all i've ever wanted? i think i've perfected the formula of doing good + be good + trust the timing. a simple example would be me getting back to school (you can tell i’m not done feeling super happy after getting accepted 😂) excited for more to come, major changes or challenges are welcome: bring it on! i'm ready and up for all kinds of surprises hehe

that's it for September! two months and i'll be 26... 9 months fly away just like that huh 😅 a reminder for me and everyone reading this to enjoy time as it goes, make every second count and special. see you next month!

[convenientalias]

I Rate Cdramas by Whump: Part 2

Two years ago now I made a post rating every cdrama I'd watched at the time by quality of whump. I feel I've watched enough cdramas since then that it is now time for a sequel.

(Note: If you like kdramas, I made two posts rating those by whump as well, for your reference.)

Some notes before I begin:

Yes this is entirely objective. What do you mean??

If the ratings seem a little high, it might be because whump is one of the things that convinces me to watch a show to begin with.

There will be spoilers, but vague spoilers.

I'm only listing shows I've completed and remember well enough to rate.

THE RATINGS.

Addicted Heroin--8/10. This is a gay school romance between surprise stepsiblings, it's not really meant to be whumpy. Despite this, it has some drunk and angsty scenes, some sick scenes, and even a kidnapping!! I would give it a 10/10 purely for going the distance it Did Not Need to Go (although the source material is even whumpier, but that's another story) but I feel I should be honest and say it is primarily a show of comedy, not over the top whump. The whump is definitely there though.

City of Streamer--I'd probably be more into the whump here if I was more into lady whump, as a lot of bad things happen to female characters, both physically and emotionally. Men go through distress but it's usually not as physical as I'd like. Since I'm very picky about lady whump and this show mostly doesn't hit the spot for me, I'll give it a 3/10.

Granting You a Dreamlike Life--10/10, Luo Fusheng's life sucks. People in this show get beat up, threatened with guns, stabbed, arrested, kidnapped, chased by wolves, trapped by an avalanche, literally shot.... "People" here mostly meaning Luo Fusheng but Tianying and some others get a good share of whump as well. Granting You a Dreamlike Life is living the dream.

Joy of Life--I really wanted to see Fan Xian get whumped but by halfway through the show I had to accept that it was more of a power fantasy type drama about Fan Xian being Clever and Competent. If you ever see me complaining about Joy of Life, know that this is a solid part of my sour grapes. 3/10, credit given to the Teng Zjing arc and the couple times Fan Xian gets captured or arrested.

Rattan--9/10. This show has two endings and I swear they did that specifically to deliver two different brands of whump/angst. But more importantly, they put poor Qin Fang through the fucking wringer! In the first fucking episode he gets drugged, arguably kidnapped, and almost dies in a car crash. Then the rest of the show he suffers from a curse, gets kidnapped, gets hurt so bad he falls into a coma.... They really do not go easy on this poor boy. Honorable mention to Si Teng's tragic backstory and Qin Fang's business partner also getting abducted that one time.

Reset--Ehhh the leads are going through it but they're mostly just getting tired. They do get arrested/interrogated a good deal, and die a whole lot. But I'd call this a suspenseful show, not a whumpy one. 2/10, rare nonwhumpy fave for me.

Sword Dynasty--I must begrudgingly admit they whumped the prince in this show pretty good, and they whumped the MC a lot too, I just hated him. This show is bad but I will admit it is moderately whumpy. A very begrudging 5/10.

Under the Skin--Level of whump maybe a bit higher than average for a crime procedural. Police officers being menaced is pretty standard, especially when one is an ~artistic genius~. Shen Yi sure does drown a lot, though, and the flashback revealing his reaction to Lei Yi Fei's death is really angsty. I'd give it a 6/10 bc my standards for thrillers are higher than my standards, for example, for a school drama like Addicted Heroin.

Weaving a Tale of Love--I said my taste in lady whump was picky and guess what, a cheerful crossdressing female lead getting whumped is in fact my taste. I loved seeing bad things happen to Liuli/Xiao Douzi! I would have been up for seeing her get drugged or imprisoned some more!! 7/10 bc while the whump is good when it's there, the majority of the show is cheerful, shippy, or plotty, and not really all that whumpy.

Winter Begonia--Whump is not what I go to Winter Begonia for. I go to it for the slice of life vibes, the slashiness, and the Chinese opera. But, as whump goes, it's actually quite strong. There are opera performers losing their voice, losing their ability to walk, losing their reputations, some even losing their lives. And then there's Cheng Fengtai, friendly and kind of shady businessman who has his own shit going on--most notably he goes into a coma at one point and also is once kidnapped by bandits. Honestly 8/10, I don't think of it as whumpy when looking back on it but objectively there is a lot.

Word of Honor--People are slowly dying with nails in their chest. People are mourning their lost loved ones and falling apart. And sometimes getting beaten up or captured in the present as well. 9/10, I could go higher but I always get a sense of restraint from this show. Even if the leads are pushed to the breaking point, it's not quite as gleeful about it as some others on this list; there's generally a sense of "fuck it, I've been through worse, I'm used to this", which doesn't quite push my buttons but may appeal a lot to other tastes. I could be convinced to give it a 10 though? Mixed feelings.

Xiang Long--The urge is to give this a 1000/10 but I'm a principled rater and cannot break my rating system! and yet! this show breaks my brain!! every day I have to get up and remember that Long Xiang shot his own subordinate in the head in an attempt to convince Bai Lusheng to quite a hunger strike and then proceeded to get mad at him for being passive aggressive while eating!!!! every day I go on living in this world. Fuck. He threw the dude's gun down a well, damn it! I will someday find a way to transmigrate into the world of Xiang Long and murder Long Xiang, but anyways: kidnapping, Stockholm Syndrome and an abundance of Lima Syndrome, torture, people getting shot and whipped and blown up etc etc etc..... 10/10 bc I'm a principled person and will adhere to my rating system. If you watched this show for a reason other than whump, I'm not sure whether to fear or admire you, but you're stronger than me.

Some final notes:

I said in my last cdrama-whump-rating post that whump and serious drama do not correlate, but I've begun to think whump even flourishes MORE in a less serious/more over the top or tropey show. Xiang Long and Granting You a Dreamlike Life are great examples of this, as they both put melodrama over realism. Rattan and Addicted Heroin have a mostly light tone but can include some extreme whump without a tonal clash bc they aren't super serious about their whump either. In contrast, Reset and City of Streamer generally have a more grounded and suspenseful tone, and their whump level is low--even if people get hurt, it's rarely focused on. Meanwhile, Winter Begonia lies in a weird intersection of melodrama and tragic melancholy, and I think it's because it's whump tends to play more to the serious side of the show that in my head I'm always thinking of it more as angsty, less as whumpy. But maybe this is all due to how I classify whump rather than the inherent characteristics of whump in general. I'd be happy to hear anyone's thoughts!

[rin-and-jade]

hey again, it's the one who talked last time about not knowing if I was verbally abused. (you can call me Pop it's no secret really)

well not really but yes, I'm back with more questions and stuff.

so when I was little, a was basically mute. I barley remember talking, I literally didn't talk unless I was obligated or needed to.

because when I was little I just was left alone alot, I don't remember my mum being around honestly. I usually just stayed in a spot silently and played, for hours and hours. or watched tv for even longer.

I vividly remember people asking me to talk for longer than short bursts and my voice used to CRACK I was literally 6 or 7 and I had voice cracks, and it hurt to speak for longer than needed.

(it's like way better now because I started to think aloud and stuff, literally improved more in the 2 years I started thinking aloud than the rest of my life.)

but I was asking because is this a normal thing? idk.

part 2

I noticed this ages ago, but sometimes I'm completely disgusted by pork and pork fat and the mere thought of it is enough to make me gag. and other times I ate it with no problems, I always wondered why that was. but then I learned about in OSDD/DID alters can have different likes and dislikes and it clicked, because sometimes I can barely eat anything my family gets because it's mostly pork and it's disgusting I hate the taste. but I think for other alters they don't mind it or can at least stomach parts of it so we don't starve.

there has literally been times where I voluntarily starve because I think pork is THAT disgusting, but sometimes another alter takes over and they eat it no problem. which even though I think it's disgusting and don't ever want to eat pork again, my other alters eat whatever is given and it contributes to this cycle where my family thinks I 'like' pork and get confused when I gag.

part 3

I was literally berated and yelled at and given the silent treatment and basically after I learned how to read. I just taught basically everything to myself, literally I learned how to write and spell alone by myself. I learned how to speak for longer times by myself.

I taught myself alot, mostly because I had to lol. my mum had given up on trying thank god honestly best decision ever, and I don't go to school never did. even when other people tried to teach me it failed miserly, except maths. but even then it was because I had an amazing teacher, that actually let me go slow. but I mostly taught myself everything, my mum likes to think she's taught me loads but most of it was literally.. me.

idk, I learned most of my cooking skills from her. but at the same time I taught myself alot, idk. it's weird being the person who has learned so little in so much time.

I didn't learn to read until I was 10, I didn't learn to spell until I was 13, I didn't learn to write until I was 15.

I've always been a slow learner, and had autism/adhd/dyslexia/other stuff. but I never really gave up, people say I'm stupid and lazy and I don't do the work. but I do, I'm just really fucking slow.

I've always been, it's a freaking miracle I know this much honestly.

but I have worked hard and made myself proud no matter what anyone says, even when I'm torn down again and again by my mum's "talks" I try harder and I learn and I grow.

and well whatever, I'm proud of myself.

part 4

I never really noticed but, now that I'm older and I've learned more about OSDD/DID. I realise that I've always kinda had alters???

like I remember talking to my imaginary friend, but idk how other kids experienced that stuff. but my imaginary friend was always in my head saying everything is going to be okay, she was way older than me too. and spoke in not a stutter or lisp.

and now that I'm older idk, I think that was whole heartedly the first sign. like idk.

that's it yours Pop

Part 1 - While the definition of normal is subjective for everyone, in my sense i don't think being mute to the point of interfering daily living is normal. People, how i see, can talk normally without needing to be prompted or forced.

Part 2 - I also hate pork and confused why they like eating it eugh..

Part 3 - Thats actually surprising for me, you should keep it up even if you're slow,, all credits to you genuinely. If you need me to teach you something just lmk ok.

Part 4 - If i recall correctly normal kids also have imaginary friends?.. but only last in childhood, rarely sticked along to adulthood. Pretty sure its also voluntary, though not the best wording to describe that. We also thought it was an imaginary friend but that was so wrong until years later so,, yeah..

Im gonna wait for your next update bud see you next time <3

- j

[yippeecahier]

I saw where you asked and-speak about their experience with top surgery without hormones and I wanted to share that I ALSO got top surgery before going on T.

I had been binding for about 10 years (two sports bras and then actual binders) and I was experiencing a lot of health issues from having breasts, so the fact that I was so sure that:

It was not the right time for hormones

A bigger priority was removing a source of pain and infection

My social and work lives were being affected by my body image and I was unable to bind for long enough to go to work AND have a social life after work

... all of this really helped me get the access I needed. Overall, it will help your case if you have more reasons than gender dysphoria for getting top surgery even if GD is the main issue for you. Something I told my surgeon and PCP (both of whom were very supportive of my choices) was "Even if I wake up tomorrow and decide this whole thing has been a farce and I'm actually a cishet woman now, I would still want them gone because of [giant list of reasons]."

To be completely honest, with all the issues I had, gender dysphoria wasn't even in the top 5 reasons I needed them gone. I think that helped my case tbh.

Anyways, I hope you get your surgery asap! I can't tell you what a difference it made for me literally overnight except that I woke up from surgery and went home feeling like everything finally made sense and I could start living my most authentic life.

All the best, bud. Please feel free to message me if you have other questions! I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you so much!! Unfortunately, my breasts are very much average C cups, so they don't actually give me any problems re: pain/infection. I alternate between binders and sports bras (never doubling up and taking breaks on weekends when I'm alone), so that kind of helps with not being in perpetual pain, but doesn't help me prove a case where "even if I wake up tomorrow and decide this whole thing has been a farce and I'm actually a cishet woman now, I would still want them gone..."

The fact I've been perpetually waffling on surgery, too, doesn't help! I mean, sure, yeah, I've identified as trans for over 10 years off and on (mostly on) now, but part of why I covered my GD up was being cut off from all my friends and threatened with Christian all-girls boarding school after coming out. (I was even taken off my ADHD medications because my mom thought it was causing my gender dysphoria and I went with it because I was lirerally 14 and just wanted this to end, but it only aggravated my psych issues, which were further used against me getting any kind of gender confirmation and justifying me signing over my medical power of attorney at 18.) Additionally, after I got my wisdom teeth taken out over a year ago, something about this routine surgery got botched and I'm still numb in a quarter of my face and experience phantom pains. I'm not so sure now that I'm willing to risk that outcome with my chest, too. Part of me just thinks I'll just end up using binders off and on in perpetuity until I develop pain and infection enough to warrant surgery. I wish I was more upbeat about it, but I feel like I can't lie to you.

I reached out to and-speak because I saw their posts and it gave me one of those brief sparks of hope but alas, you caught me in the lull of reluctant acceptance of the situation I'm in.

[vampireonastick]

Hello. ^_^ Do you happen to have any theories about the water? Nikolai said that it should be too heavy to swim in, yet Fyodor and Chuuya managed to reach the ceiling. Do you think it's a plot hole or intentional? And if it's the latter, which side do you think set it up and what do you think the other side thinks of it, since it's impossible for it to be unnoticed by either Dazai or Fyodor?

Hello Anon!! I also thought it was odd that Fyodor and Chuuya were floating considering Nikolai’s earlier explanation, but I ended up completely forgetting about how weird it was with the insanity from chapter 101’s ending XD.

So I don’t have any theories, but you bringing this up got me interested in it again, so I’ll definitely take a crack at it!!

From my understanding, (formed through the combination of google, and my almost 5 year old knowledge of 11th grade chemistry (and part of grade 12 chemistry, before I dropped the class because the math was too hard…)), I don’t believe it’s a plot hole. I also don’t think it’s necessarily a set up from either side. I think it’s just how the ‘heavy water’ works.

If you are just interested in a short answer: I believe the density of the water forces Fyodor and Chuuya to the surface. The ‘not being able to swim in it’ part comes from the fact that since they are forced to the surface, it’s difficult/impossible to swim downwards, or beneath the surface, without being pushed right back up. 

If you are interested in a (very) long answer, with science and stuff, it’s under the cut:

What Exactly is Heavy Water Anyway??

(Spoilers up until chapter 101 of the manga!!)

So firstly, a quick look at what ‘density’ is. We measure density by multiplying an object's mass (or, how much that object weighs) by that object's volume (or, how much physical space that object occupies).

On average, humans are less dense than regular water, that’s why we can float on its surface without sinking. 

Now, let’s look at ‘heavy water’.

Heavy Water

So, ‘heavy water’ actually does exist!! (as google so graciously informed me of about 20 minutes ago, lmao I had no clue).

Though the most common formula that comes up when searching ‘heavy water’ is D2O (the formula for regular water is H2O, for reference). ‘D’ stands for ‘deuterium’, which is basically just a heavier form of hydrogen (about double the weight. Though keep in mind, hydrogen is the lightest element, with an atomic mass of 1, so double that only gives us an atomic mass of 2. But it still makes D2O heavier than regular water).

But from what I can tell, D20 isn’t what is referenced in the manga. The manga gives us this formula for it’s ‘heavy water’:

H2O18 aka ‘oxygen-heavy water’, which is 2 hydrogens bonded to an oxygen-18 atom. 

I wasn’t able to find much information on H2O18, other than the fact it exists. Though when reading about D2O, I noticed there are quite a lot of similarities between its effects on humans in real life, and the effects Nikolai attributes to ‘heavy water’ in the manga. But I’ll touch more on its effects on humans later.

D2O and H2O18 actually weigh the same, and in both cases, their combined atomic weight equals about 20u. Regular water weighs 18u (one oxygen atom that weighs 16u + two hydrogen atoms that weigh 1u each). 

So the difference in atomic weight between ‘heavy water’ and regular water is only 2u per molecule. But since there is obviously more than one molecule of ‘heavy water’ filling up the room with Fyodor and Chuuya (this is me, remembering I am writing about bsd here, and not researching for school anymore XD), exactly how much heavier is ‘heavy water’ compared to regular water?

‘Heavy water’ is about 10% heavier than regular water. 

Regular water weighs 1,000 kilogram/m3 (cubic meter) (so if you filled a cube with 1 meter dimensions with water, the amount of water it would take to fill that cube would weigh 1,000 kilograms).

Heavy water weighs 1106 kilograms/m3 (so 10% more than regular water).

So, looking back at our formula for density, where density = mass/volume, ‘heavy water’ weighs more than regular water, so it has a higher density.

“It’s heavier than regular water, so you can’t swim in it.” (Nikolai)

I think what Nikolai is saying here, is that since the ‘heavy water’ is much denser than normal water, it is impossible/incredibly difficult to swim beneath the surface. Because human’s are less dense than water, and the added density of ‘heavy water’ means floating on ‘heavy water’ takes much less effort. They can still float in the water without drowning, and they can likely swim on the surface of the water, such as swimming from one wall to another, but they cannot dive downwards to the bottom of the cell, and swim along the floor, because the water will forcibly push them back up to the surface.

But Chuuya is Sinking???

So, this would leave us with the question of why Chuuya was able to sink at the end of the chapter. If the water is dense enough to keep him afloat, it should actually be relatively difficult to sink beneath the surface.

My idea is that it likely has something to do with how much Chuuya was struggling in the water, compared to Fyodor.

These are two panels of the two, at approximately the same time:

Fyodor doesn’t look too pleased in this panel, but he is calm. The water around him is relatively still. And his expression isn’t strained from the effort it would take to swim in such dense water, so he is likely just floating (maybe kicking his feet a little to tread water, but not enough to tire himself).

Chuuya, on the other hand, isn’t looking too hot. The water around him is much more displaced. Those little droplets are flying everywhere. This, and the struggling look on his face, suggests he is fighting against the water. He’s likely kicking his legs and flailing his arms rapidly beneath the surface, despite the fact he’ll float fine if he just relaxes a little bit. But he’s likely panicking, at least a little. 

He is also tired. We know this. He was panting, dragging those guards across the floor at the beginning of the chapter, and Dazai tells us the metal of the prison walls is suppressing his ability. 

So I believe the reason we see Chuuya sinking in this panel comes from a multitude of reasons.

While ‘heavy water’ is denser than regular water, and thus, much easier to stay afloat in, it does require some effort on behalf of Chuuya to stay afloat. Since he is tired, he has likely stopped trying to float, and has started to sink. (he likely won’t weigh enough to sink to the bottom, but if he doesn’t keep his head above water, he will still drown regardless).

With the amount of water he was splashing everywhere, he has likely swallowed quite a lot of it. Swallowing the water adds mass to his body, making him heavier, so he will sink easier.

In the above panel, we see bubbles forming on the surface of the water, likely from Chuuya letting air out of his lungs. Holding air in our lungs makes us lighter, like balloons. So expelling air from his lungs will also make Chuuya sink easier.

Toxicity of the ‘Heavy Water’

I’d also like to touch briefly on this point. In the manga, Nikolai describes the ‘heavy water’ as:

“Harmful to the human body. You will die if you drink too much of it.”

Again, I tried looking for information on ‘oxygen-heavy water’ (the H2O18 one the manga specifically mentions), but I wasn’t able to find anything about it being toxic.

In fact, I found one post that claims that since the oxygen atoms are the ones that hold the extra mass in H2O18, there isn’t much of a difference between it and regular water, and it is actually safe to drink (here is the link if anyone is interested, it’s a very cool article imo).

On the other hand, the other form of ‘heavy water’, D2O, is not safe to drink. A little bit is fine, but too much will cause problems. Something about how the bonds formed by deuterium (that heavier form of hydrogen that makes up D2O) are stronger than normal hydrogen bonds. This causes problems in the body, specifically, it prevents cell division. 

In order to experience any serious or deadly side effects, a person would have to consume a lot of ‘heavy water’. Like a very high amount. From what has been observed so far in mammals, consuming enough ‘heavy water’ to replace 25% of your body’s water will cause sterilization. If a person consumes enough to replace 50% of their body’s water, they’ll die. So while ‘heavy water’ is dangerous in large quantities, it isn’t nearly as deadly as Nikolai makes it out to be in the manga. (here is another link for the information I mentioned in this paragraph).

Thoughts and Ideas?

But like I said, those negative effects are for D2O, and it was H2O18 that is mentioned in the manga. So I’m wondering if maybe Asagiri meant to write D2O? Because from what I’ve read, D2O is the deadly one, H2O18 is relatively harmless. 

Also, if what’s filling the room is actually D2O, I wonder if a plot point will come up about D2O’s effects on cell division? I’m not sure how in the hell this could possibly work, but maybe, since Bram became a vampire due to his cells being mutated through an ability, his vampire infection works through cell mutation too?

If Chuuya drank enough water to affect cell division, could that stop his vampire mutation? (highly unlikely, he literally just swallowed that water, I am unsure of the timeframe it would take for ‘heavy water’ to have any effects, but a couple minutes seems like way too little for any of this to happen). Not to mention stopping cell production wouldn’t reverse any damage that the vampire mutation had already done to his cells. So overall, not likely. But I am wondering if Asagiri is planning on using the toxic effects of ‘heavy water’ as a plot point moving forward.

------- So yeah, this was my attempt to explain my (admittedly poor) understanding of science, so, consider this a warning not to take my word here as law or anything like that. There’s a good chance I am understanding this wrong, so if anyone more qualified would like to correct me, please feel free!!

Thank you for this ask Anon!! I had a lot of fun reading about all this stuff and writing this response!! It's been a few months now since I've had to focus my mind on anything academic, and turns out I missed it??? Imagine that. 16 years of school and apparently I'm still not sick of it XD

[dailyexo]

[INTERVIEW] Suho - 220531 The National News: “EXO's Suho: We hope to bring some new music to the UAE”

"The K-pop star has set another milestone with a fountain show in Dubai featuring more of his work as a solo artist.

It was four years ago when Suho made history with his EXO bandmates as their hit Power became the first K-pop song to be played at the Dubai Fountain.

Now, as a solo artist, he has returned to the emirate as his latest single, Hurdle, makes its debut at Dubai Festival City Mall's fountain show. The song, from his latest mini album, Grey Suit, will be played ongoing during the Imagine laser and light display.

“To have my song play at the fountain show as a solo artist makes me very happy," Suho tells The National. "The fact that not only people in Dubai, but tourists from worldwide, can come and hear my song makes me very excited."

Hurdle was also the singer’s favourite song to record, making the moment even more special for him. “It is a very exciting song and very different from the songs on the album. While I was recording it I sang it in different ways as well. I just had a lot of fun recording it.”

Grey Suit, which was released on April 4, has a rock-pop vibe and reflects on Suho's time away from fans because of mandatory military service for all South Korean male citizens. Suho, whose real name is Kim Jun-myeon, enlisted in May 2020 and says he prepared the album within six months while serving.

“I met with producers as well while I was at the military,” he says.

His love for rock is evident throughout Grey Suit and he says his infatuation with the genre began when he was in high school. “When I used to feel sad and lonely, I used to listen to a rock artist named Nell for comfort.

“Five years ago when Coldplay came to Korea — even with the language barrier, seeing they could communicate so well with fans — that is when I really fell for rock." He says he plans to incorporate more rock in future music.

This is his second mini album after Self Portrait, which was released in March 2020. He says his first album was more about EXO's Suho, while the second album has more of a focus on the last two years of his life, while serving conscription.

He isn't the only EXO member to fulfil mandatory military service. Back in May 2019, Xiumin became the first member to enlist, followed shortly by D.O. in July 2019 who surprised fans by doing so earlier than expected. Since then, other bandmates have worked on various solo projects and in sub-units, while members take turns completing the 18-month service.

Fans are eagerly awaiting EXO's follow-up to their last album and Suho says the band are equally ready to welcome back fans as the group recently celebrated a decade since their debut, which was on April 8, 2012. He says they plan to “repay the love we received from the 10 years that we have been active”.

He also has a special message for fans in the Middle East.

"My EXO members also want to come see the Arab fans as well," he says. "So we hope that we can bring some new music to the UAE and other Arab fans [can] enjoy.”

Suho was recently invited as part of Stanford University's Walter H Shorenstein Asia-Pacific Research Centre's Korea Programme to speak at its 20th anniversary on May 19.

“While I was preparing for the speech I was very nervous because it was my first time doing a fully English speech and I was very worried,” he says. “But the students who came to hear my speech were EXO fans so it was more comfortable and fun to give the speech as if it was a talk show.”

Looking back at lessons he gained from that he experience, he says: “I realised that the communication with K-pop fans is really important and that the responsibility that comes with being a K-pop idol is also very important.”"

Photo links: 1, 2, 3, 4

Credit: The National News.

[storyofexistence]

Growth in pain

                                             One of the most painful moments of my life happened 11 years ago. I lost my father when I am only 8 years old. It turned my world upside down. I wasn’t ready to lose him and I think I will never be. He promised me that he will never leave me. And now that he is gone, he left me hanging on those promises.  A lot of things changed since then. Including having a complete and happy family. My mom tried to be in a relationship again. I was a huge papa’s girl that’s why it is hard for me to see her with another man. But I love her that’s why I never say things to her even if it kills me inside. Christmas day since then became a reminder of his death for me. Because it was December 10 when he died, 15 days before Christmas. I remember my mom used to deduct my money because I don’t do the assigned chores for me.  My papa always picks my side, the scenario was always me crying in the stock room and he will go to me and hand me money and tell me to be responsible the next time. I had to graduate grade school and high school without him. Before, my dream was to have a tremendous debut; But when I lose my papa all I want is for him to be there on that special day. Losing is also gaining lessons. I may lose my papa at a young age but it made me do things that “only men” can do as a society say. It made me the feminist I am today. Grow up not depending my life on any man.

                                         Losing friends is normal. I had these people in my life that I met when I was in grade school. When we were in 5th grade I run for president of SPG. They are on my team, on the day of the election I found out that they voted for the other candidate. I feel betrayed; I realized they are not the ones I can count on. I never get mad at them but the feeling of betrayal was always there even how happy I am hanging out with them. From that, I tried to please everyone I met. Because for me if I am the best everyone will be wanting to be friends with me. I moved to high school and gain new people in my life. I’ve been into a lot of circles of friends. All of it failed, and it made me think if I was the one who has the problem or if life is just like that. Those people I met kept on promising me that they’ll be there for me always, but when life gets dark and sad they disappear.  When I am in junior high I have a circle of friends that made me experience things and made my whole junior life more exciting. That experience is not only about good things but it was worth it. But suddenly we have to part ways. I stay in that school and continue my senior year. While they go to different schools. But I got stuck to that world that I am with them. And then senior year come and as usual, I met other people but they made me feel excluded in their life. But I learned that you don’t have to pretend around the people that truly value and love you. Keep your circle small. Don’t be afraid to cut off ties with people who don’t give you peace. It is all about quality over quantity.

                                           Love can give you butterflies in your stomach and heart pain the next day.  Life will give you someone that will give you either love or pain. In my case, it is a mix of both. I met him when we were in 8th grade. But we never get into a relationship. We enjoy the company of each other. I wasn’t ready for commitment at that time. We stayed on that kind of connection. No commitment no worries we just enjoy our time together. But when the time I was ready to commit to him he had already gotten tired of waiting. He leaves me without any explanation. I keep seeking answers. Aside from papa he used to be the one I run to when life gets too much. That time that he is the reason for my tears I don’t know what to do. Seeing him as if nothing happened broke me so much. But maybe the love is bigger than everything that happened. I still can’t get mad at him for ruining my peace. It has gotten to the point that I beg him to come back and choose me. But as time pass I realize that what we have is not worth keeping. Because he made me beg for the bare minimum. Made me feel that I don’t have the right to ask for his time. Keep on giving me mixed signals. And never clear his intention. I never saw all of these things before.  I always believe that what we have is a big wrong timing. But I learn one important thing from this experience. It is that you never meet the right person at the wrong time because the right people are timeless.

                                               Failure has always been part of success as they say. But it will cause you so much pain. Not passing your dream college course is one of them. Ever since I was in 5th grade becoming Civil Engineer has been my greatest dream. When I was in high school I am looking forward to college but astoundingly life is not like I think it is. I applied for my preferred course which is civil engineering. But sadly I didn’t get the slot for the program. I cried heavily as I read the email. I’m not even worried if my family will know that I am crying. It made me doubt myself. I still had to enroll even though I don’t want the course. It was double tiring because the course itself is hard and not wanting the course at the same time. But when my favorite Doctor once said “There are times a decision will come first before passion” she is right.

                                               Love will cause you pain. Pain will lead you to growth. It’s a never-ending cycle. All of the struggles, failures, and pain will teach you things that books can’t. I often heard them say “hindi pedeng walang sakit”. When I was a kid I never understood them. I think it is unfair that we don’t have a choice. But as life made me experience things that turn my world upside down and made me lose myself. I started to realize that they are right, life is full of pain that we can’t control.  But we always have the choice to move forward. We don’t need to force ourselves to move on from the pain but continuing is important. Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in the storm and let the rain soak you. Put on an umbrella and watch how the rain poured from the sky.   I’ll be honest not all of the pain is worth it, but the lessons are.

[ionlytalktodogs]

Okay look I’m kinda young, right. Probably too young to be making this post. But what you might not know is I came out a solid 7 years ago. And holy shit was it a different landscape then than it is now. Maybe not as different as it was 10 or 20 years ago but it was different.

As a dumbass 10 year old all I could think was who would care that I’m gay! It’s not important! Everyone I love will still like me for who I am, even if they don’t support queer people :)

Oh how I was wrong.

I’ve spent 7 long years internally shaking and slapping my younger self saying “WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT YOU ASSHOLE” because 10 was? Too young to come out. For where I was in life. I was already dealing with a whole host of problems (mental illness, especially severe anxiety causing me to have trouble leaving the house, as just an example) and when I came out it got way. WAY. Worse.

All my friends left. They isolated me from other kids. Told all the kids I knew that I was a homo freak and to stay away from me or else I’d hit on them (yes even the boys, they didn’t really understand what being a lesbian was ngl). My parents were disgusted. My older brother, who had previously been my best friend for my whole life, refused to be in the same room with me because I’m a “pervert” and a “freak.” My dad stopped talking to me altogether for a while.

Suddenly everyone I thought I had left.

Every avenue I had was…closed. There were no youth groups in my area, no QSA, nothing. Representation in media? HA. As if.

I had three people who supported me: my grandparents and my girlfriend (who went on to…kind of traumatize me but that’s another story). And still my mom wouldn’t let me explicitly talk to my grandparents about being queer. We had to dance around the subject. They gave me books about queer characters and told me to hide them. All the books were dense 400+ page novels about gay men, near impossible for me to read with my ADHD and dyslexia.

I had…no one. And the worst part? Everything got a million times harder when I came out as nonbinary. There was even less for nonbinary people. Once I aged into high school I finally got the ability to go to a QSA………only to be met with extremely transphobic LGB people. I finally met another queer person (other than my ex). She immediately told me that trans people are “traitors to the community.”

What I’m trying to say is…not a lot of stuff makes me cry…but the representation I’ve been seeing lately in cartoons? In cartoons that are accessible to KIDS? That makes me cry. She-ra and the Owl House and all of that. That makes me scream and sob. Because I would’ve benefited SO much from that as a kid. I cried myself to sleep every night dreaming of a day when we had that. I was exposed to so much completely inappropriate shit as a kid because I was so desperate for representation and the only representation that existed for people like me was…well you know.

I’m just so glad that these younger LGBTQ+ people get to…have that representation. I can’t stop thinking about kids like me, who don’t have support in their real life, getting to read things like the Tea Dragon Society and Heartstopper. And I’m so. SO FUCKING HAPPY. That they get that. I can’t explain how special it is to me that younger people get to have this representation I can’t explain it. I pleaded every day for this future. And it’s here.

[aethernightmare]

Here's the whole avatar design of my OC btw. Since I might one day be making a v-tuber model with similar features (albeit with redesigned clothes, and a few tweaks here and there).

A bit of history, yes, this was originally my Gaiaonline avatar. Since that's where I'd spend the majority of my teenage years. Especially as strict parental control around internet usage when I was growing up made traditional online messaging and hangouts with irl friends near impossible. And I was able to bypass a lot of parental monitoring with the site's (now-defunct) in-game chat features. Because just like other MMOs, when you log out, your chat log gets deleted.

To give Gaia some context, it was basically Fortnite for millennials back in the early 2000's. Complete with an entire free MMORPG (like a really basic FF14 in terms of combat), flash minigames, marketplaces for character customization, personal blog features (prior to Tumblr), hangout forums for all kinds of hobbies and discussions (prior to Reddit), and even a virtual town that would hold seasonal events (trick or treats, Easter egg hunts, etc.). Everyone also had their own in-game house with an actual virtual zip code that you could personalize and invite people over to.

It was simple compared to game hangout spaces we have today, in part because it was free, but at the time it felt like one of the only forms of personal freedom that was available to my teenage self. Especially when you were like me, and had parents monitoring every breath you took. In a household as strict as mine, where individuality and personal expression was a sin, it gave me an escape to be somewhere else. During a time where I was essentially locked to either my bedroom, school, or forced extracurriculars.

Because people with my kind of home life in that era, essentially had to be teenagers in secret. Having things like dates online, because relationships weren't allowed (usually on both sides), even if there was nothing odd about us. And every message you sent via either IM or SMS using traditional means could be read by parents or school staff. So the only way to hang out and just talk to people, including classmates, even if it was about the most mundane sfw things, was in a game space like this. It's actually really abusive and dystopian in hindsight, but it's a big part of how I even kept enough sanity to make it to adulthood. It was a loophole that give me the strength to hold out long enough to graduate and turn 18. To let me be something other than just...trapped and alone.

(Yes, Dot Hack as an anime franchise was extremely relatable during this time, especially the "offline" life portions. The kids in that series weren't just MMO addicts like most casual anime viewers think. If you read the books, they were literally micro-chipped and video monitored 24/7 by parents and the government until adulthood, so online spaces like "The World" were literally the only escapes they had).

Alas, now that Flash is discontinued, most of Gaia is defunct as well. The website remains, but most of the features I used to log in daily for either no longer exist or are obsolete. And the few that do are now rather different. So it unsurprisingly has a fraction of the user base it once started held. And since the email I used in the past to create my avatar is also long gone, alas so is my account and all the years I spent there.

However, I did still keep a couple of avatar screenshots as keepsakes. Since I originally used them for my old YouTube channel over 10 years ago. In part because I have zero methods of creating digital art (though I'd love to someday), and second because my avatar was actually kind of special? Not only it was incredibly rare due to the game having limited-time items with unlock conditions, but my OC also came to represent a lot of things about me personally. When you live your entire childhood as a fictional avatar, it's hard not to become attached, I suppose.

Case-in-point, immediately noticeable, but my character isn't exactly human. Unlike Final Fantasy 14, people only have access to starting out as humans in Gaia. But through either events or rare items, you can change yourself to something else. Vampires, Elves, Zombies, Fae, Centaurs, and a host of other things. The Padmavati Naga, which is what I am, was a rare form that was only released for a month. And even then, most people didn't take the anthropomorphic style with it that I did - opting instead for either half-snake or full garuda forms. (Eventually the item would get re-released years later as the website declined, but almost nobody played anymore).

Second major point is the "tattoos", which were also a rare weapon. Or rather, weapons. Notice how in some shots portions of the tattoo vanishes? That's because it morphs into the weapons themselves. I was disappointed to see that I only saved two screenshots of the item being activated, but in addition to the bow and lance pictured above, I distinctly also remember there being daggers, a sword, and a scythe. The weapon also allowed you to eventually take on a cloaked grim reaper form, or even fully transform into a Soulsborne-esque demon (eldritch gore included).

All of this is a major factor behind my au-ra design in Final Fantasy 14. I was surprised at how many parallels I could make right out of the gate. And while omni-classing is something I'm doing for LP purposes, it also draws similarities from my old Gaia avatar as well.

It's sad that I can't really get my account back, but I also know I wouldn't really use the website in the form it's in today. Especially not with full, unrestricted access to regular internet features. Nonetheless, it was a major part of my teenage years, and a much-needed sanctuary of sorts.

I still keep that OC close to my heart, and to this day enjoy bringing them to life in new spaces.

[montanababe7]

Inner healing ❤️‍🩹 isn’t always pretty. Honestly. Some. Times. It’s down right messy. Closing different doors and old seasons. It’s like Alice in wonderland through the looking glass. Yes. I read a lot. Any who. I’m not who I once was. The high school girl. Or the gal at go ministries international or even at the moments in between. I’m now a stay at home mother of three beautiful unique precious little girls.

My point is. There has been so much inner healing ❤️‍🩹 taking place. I’ve been asking Jesus to restore my heart. to heal even the moments that I truly have blocked out in my mind. I’m done putting those emotional masks and walls up.

I’ve been so torn in the middle of the memories of where I was 20 some

Years ago and the version of me today.

Honestly. Some days. I feel like I’m wondering who I am supposed to be. Other moments. I don’t have a care in the world.

My point is, I can’t help but feel and sense that this next season and chapter of my life-requires complete focus on holding Jesus hand. Not looking to the right or to the left. Wondering if I’m doing everything correctly. If I’ve truly measured

Up. If the 4-5 washes of laundry makes my worth or the dishes done. Or is it simply found in loving my family. Seeing mike and I’s, children growing up before our eyes. But, it’s also found in simply sitting at Jesus feet. Listening to his gentle and still

Small voice in the quiet. not ever having to wonder if I’m good enough or if I have done all I can do. If my looks are perfect for my man. If I’m beautiful enough. To stop the memories of

Yesteryear that at times play in my head. The things kids said many years back not choose my value. Some days. I look in the mirror and I remember what was spoken when I was 8-10

Years old and I cry hoping and 🙏🏼 praying my husband finds me

Beautiful. The quote sticks and stones. Some words it’s

Hard to forget. Especially when kids or even leaders told me: “Jessica. In a lot of ways-you’re alot like a f a t or uh ly person. You’re so socially awk ward that zero guy would ever want you.” Or the one that I’ve begged Jesus to help me forget- “Jessica, your face is u g li er than a mule’s b u t t.” Again. Yes. THese wr just words. Hello? I look in the mirror and I see a perfect hour glass figure and yet, I remember those words.

I pray Mike and I’s, girls never experience the crue lty of painful words.

I pray others always build them up and never tear them down. I pray they never have to built almost an armadillo outer shell 🐚. I pray 🙏🏼 they never experience the need to go zero contact with family. These things make my heart feel older than 37. I pray. They always feel loved 🥰, cherished, and safe.

I have a tendency to pu sh people I care about away. I block some people literally when I’m hurt.

Yes. I am being real. This evening has been like Holy Spirit Healinh. Even in writing ✍🏼 this. I feel honestly like I’ve been gut t ed. because this is me telling the true Jessica. The Jessica that cleans or tries to close her mind & hear t off to not feeling anything. It’s like. If the house is spotless, I helped the girls clean their room, give my oldest daughter makeover, paint 🎨 her nails 💅, make sure the younger two girls happy also, I can feel like I’m doing everything right and those closest to me will be proud of. It also happens in the form of writing ✍🏼 down recipes. Somehow. Even that will heal the broken parts of me. If I can prepare the most perfect Betty Crocker recipes-you know that absolutely best dinners, meals, and desserts; that I’d have finally achieved it all.

Later on, I’ve prayed for. Poured my heart into others. Deep down. I know that I’m still hurting. It’s like. God I’ve done all you have asked of me. Why do I feel like I’m not measuring up. It’s in those moments that Jesus holds me close. Jesus speaks to my heart. I write ✍🏼. I cry 😭 and I pray 🙏🏼. I feel

Better.

This writing even now is 100 cathartic. You see. I’m

Like a ball of 🧶. I keep my heart deeply woven. Writing helps. This is how Jesus ministers to me a lot. It helps me heal and grow. I know this message wasn’t just for me.

I pray this raw and heartfelt message aka truth. Helped someone. 🙂

Thanks for reading 📖 and listening 🎧.

Jessica

Jessica Wolf