#3. Stating that I worked at A Walmart. was all enough for someone to find me.

[scarletfasinera]

I will tell you what I did today after I do it. See you soon.

[watusay]

TW: Mention of shootings

My school has a back entrance, I think most schools do. All the doors are locked from the outside all day except at the beggining of the day when kids are coming into the building. anyone can be let inside from anyone already in the building. At my old school I mentioned to my mother(who works at the school) how students could easily leave or let someone in. She had explained how it won't and can't happen, I don't remember her reasons but they made since. Today at my school I saw kids letting people in through the back entrance. My school has kids wear lanyerds, I think most school do. After 3 school shootings in a week my school has been making it top priority for students to wear them to make sure people who arnt supposed to arnt in the school. The person who was let in wasnt wearing a lanyerd. They were obviously a student, and I've seen them before, but this brings up the topic of security issues and breeches.

A common question I ask myself is "when it isn't students, how are the shooters getting in?" I feel what I saw could answer the question(in some cases) .

Shootings have been on my mind for several days and I have a few Ideas on how we could prevent shootings and intruders.

Prevention 1: Bullet proof glass

If you look at the chart above you can see, shooters arnt just kids. This leads to the question of how. Schools have protections so people can't get in, but if we think back to 2023 with the Nashville school shooting, Aiden Hale (the shooter) had gotten into the school by shooting at the doors which were mostly glass. The bullets shatterd the glass giving him access to the inside of the building.

A way this could have been prevented is bullet proof glass on the doors, even windows. Only about an estimated 2% of school nationwide have the technology to make this change.

The cost isn't very flexible or feasibility though, with an estimated $50,000-$75,000 per elementary school alone to make this change. With there being 130,930 k-12 school in the US, around 70,000 of that including elementary, It would cost around 3,500,000,000-5,250,000,000 for just elementary schools alone. (I think. I'm bad at math.) This isnt cheep at all but neither at funerals.

Prevention 2: requirements to buy a gun

In a personal opinion I feel we as citizens, should have the right to bear arms, but with a background check, a psyche evaluation, with a permit and proper training, and for anyone over the age of 25.

I know some of this feels unnecessary but it's not. 2 of the things I think would be most controversial are a psyche evaluation and anyone over 25.

A psyche evaluation would be a good way to protect a person and others. If someone's not in the right state of mind and struggling mentally they might buy the gun with an intent to kill themselves and something even others who they might blame for why there struggling as revenge.

And the reason I say a person should be over the age of 25 is for a few reasons.

1: you turn 18 while in high school. This is giving high schoolers across to guns

2: your not even old enough for alcohol, why should you be given access to weapons, especially when you can find them at any Walmart in the South Midwest(idk about other regions)

3: study's show your brain isn't fully developed till around the age of 25. Your still likely to do illogical and dangerous things after your 18 and even after 25, but pushing the time back and giving an extra 7 years to mature should help

In my state, anyone can get a gun as long as there 18. I'm sure this is the case I'm lots of states, but the fact you don't need a permanent in insain to me, cause as I said earlier, 18 is still a high schooler.

There are many other ways to prevent this cough like gun laws cough, and I just don't have the time or patience to go through all the logical stuff right now. I will definitely write more on this topic. This was kinda just a rant but if you read all of this props to you:}

[da-owo]

GOOD MORNIFN TUMBLR IT IS CURRENTLY 2 PM FOR ME AN I AM FEEELIN VERY GOOD VERY COMIC MOTIVATED to answer some questions tho - do i sleep? absolutely even if its only a couple hours i have horrible insomnia and i tend to have to exhuasted myself to an extreme deal if i want to sleep more then 3 hrs which is why sometimes ill be alive at 4 or 5 am , this is also why i stated updates will be random , tho i dont like posting at 3 am i will if i want to move onto my next project -you've noted my bio says full time nsfw artist , is there going to be nsfw in the comic? if there is it will not be plot related and it will kept to my nsfw accounts ( i will not be sharing a link here or in the comments of this post as i have already shared where you could find that content ) - i'm really fast how am i getting this much done this fast? i work from home an yes do art full time , i do live in stream commissions so i just have "trained" my self to move faster when it comes to my art that way i can do more then just one persons commission in stream so now out of habbit i go go go go i've been called the "amazon prime" "same day shipping" artist haha tho sometimes a really really big piece comes through an that is a all day project but nonetheless anyone can practice enough to do stuff fast i also have been a full time artist for 5 years now ( sometimes even just taking a day to do fast sloppy sketches really helps with getting speed but speed should not be you main focus your growing as a artist and should enjoy the process and the art you make <3 -anything cosplay related , since i have gotten a vast amount of questions there -my wigs are all to mostly from arda wigs ( my jack frost and danny wig is a jet wig from arda, jacks is a silver in jet and danny's is a pure white in jet but i cut it in half to dye the under cut black ) if my wig isnt from arda they are mostly from amazon map of beauty is a good start for someone who wants a cheap wig to start with - i have been cosplaying for almost 12 years now i do not use name brand make up tbh my foundation is super stay from walmart in the lightest shade since i dont get to see the sun very often haha , i will always recommmend TRANSULUCENT setting powder -Contacts! yes sometimes i wear them but my eyes are very sensitive and i am very blind so most the time i am just editing them to the color i need them lol please stay away from ttdeye contacts they can damage your eyes DO NOT SHARE CONTACTS if they hurt TAKE THEM OUT NOW , contacts can cut and damage your eyes very easy - my jack frost cosplay staff , my staff is over 6ft tall ( i am not very short so i had to make it sized to me ) its a pvc pipe i had laying around and on the top there is a piece of a different broken prop hot glued to hell and back and heat shaped to make the hook then i i cut up a bunch of random lengthed shapes of foam and glued it around from the base to the very top and then sat there with my hot glue gun and added wood texture with hot glue , painted it a off brown , then dry brushed white all over it my staff is not perfect but for having made it all in one day i love it

if i missed anything feel free to ask im sure have an answer haha also been debating a name for my comic so might be refering to it as the golden dream but im unsure if i want to commit to it haha

[endoteaandme]

Wobbling like a Newborn Giraffe

My name is Katherine, I’m 24 and I have Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, IC (interstitial Cystitis), and as of November 15 2022 Endometriosis. (Side note: I also have 3 cats, a dog, 2 leopard geckos, and a bearded dragon) Really the only reason I even pieced together the symptoms or that my periods we anything abnormal was because I ended up in the ER with an upper kidney infection, which wasn’t shocking to me due to having been diagnosed in 2019 with IC. I finished two courses of antibiotics and almost a month later i was still having dull achy gnawing pain in my upper and lower back. But all my blood and urine tests showed no infection. AT ALL. But I was still in pain, I honestly felt like my body was gaslighting me. The morning of the 14th I started cramping and within a few hours started bleeding enough to need a pad. Which was abnormally quick for a period to start like that for me. That same day after a visit to my GP she reviewed all my results and mentioned the possibility of endometriosis. She wanted me to wait a week or two and use the pain creme she prescribed for a week or two and see if that helped and if not I should go see a OBGYN. I was doubled over in agonizing horrible pain. I said screw that, and I made and appointment for 11/15 and boom. Diagnosed with Endo that day and started on medication. 

I was so relieved that the OBGYN believed me I started straight up ugly crying in her office. I had also found out the morning of the appointment that my parents made a mistake when filing my out of state insurance papers. Due to that I could only use my insurance in the ER for emergency services. And I had to hobble out to my car hunched over with a rice sock under/holding up my belly and get to the doctors office, go to Walmart for food, supplies, and to fill my prescriptions. I went slowly and managed to get everything I needed and slowly I got myself home and comfy in bed. I was in bed, in the bathroom, getting food or water and that was it. Essential movement only. Every day even with Pain management it was horrible. My bladder and kidneys were hurting, my digestive system was ALL KINDS of messed up, everything in my body felt swollen and heavy. When I walked I had to hold my stomach in my hand because the weight of my fat jiggling while I walk (I’m like 5′3″ and 198 lbs) because the pain and weight of everything moving while i walked was unbearably painful and made me nauseous. I have missed a little over a week of work and that’s not been helpful for my anxiety. I’m reaching out to others in Facebook groups with others with Endo and it’s nice having a feeling of understanding. I’m trying to make sure I get all my feelings out whether it’s verbally or written. I have a pretty great support system and a loving supportive partner. I’m doing okay so far but still, so much bed rest and time at home and you start going a little nuts and getting stir crazy. 

I’m hoping that this blog can be beneficial for me and who knows maybe someone else experiencing something similar can find some type of comfort or hope as well.

[kaz11283]

Chapter 5

Characters: Clint, you, Loki

Warnings: this is a SLOW burn, slight angst, fluff at the end, Loki starting shit.

Summary: life has never really bwen this complicated. Or well the life that you think you know has never really been this complicated. Living with the avengers, learning new things, yeah its gonna be a long road but what else do you have to look forward to other than the random runins with the god of mischief.

Loki Masterlist

~~~~~

It had been about a week since you had arrived at the tower and just as long as your incounter with Loki, you hadnt had much time to think about it though since you were normally nose deep in class work or training with Nat and Clint since Tony had sent you the message "If your gonna be an avenger you have to train like one, training starts at 6." You had left him on read after that, you had never been a morning person and you sure as hell wasnt about to start now.

"Alright y/n, lets try you on the bow today." Clint smiled walking into the arena where most of your training took place.

"After I finish this." You said pointing to your coffee. "I swear, you would think that after saving lives you would want to sleep in." You grumbled.

"Bad guys dont sleep, we dont get to sleep." Clint said wiping down a few of his practice arrows.

"You didnt get back till like 3 this morning. Im really starting to wonder if you sleep at all." You tossed your cup away and got up starting to do your stretches.

"Get over here so I can show you how to hold this thing." He saod holding out the bow.

"I know how to use a bow, I was in archery in high school. Top of my team." You grabbed the bow feeling the cool metal in your hand. His bow was diffrent than what you was use to, as light as air almost were yours had been heavy.

"This bow is probably a little different than what your use to. The metal is vibranium, the strings are made of some type of industrial woven string that Tony invinted in his lab. Might be a littlw hard for you to pull back." He smiled looking at the bow like a child.

"It is very beautiful." You examined it looking down the sights has you pulled the string back easily. "Absolutly magnificent peice of weaponry." You looked over at him and seen that he was staring at you wide eyed. "What?"

"No one else has ever been able to draw the string back like that." You let the string gently go back into place amd handed it back to him.

"I told you, I was in archery while I was in high school."

"Theres no way that someone no matter how skilled they are can pull that back."

"Well if your forgetting, apperantly Im not from here either."

"Yup almost forgot, Asguardian. Anyways. You know how to use one of these so lets set up a few targets and get to work. Tony wants to try you out on a few different things, eval you, and see what suits you best. Im already leaning toward you being good at the bow."

After he talked you through some of the basics that you had informed him you knew and he insisted on stating that it was 'mandatory' you were finally able to pick up one of the training bows.

"These bows suck. Stark has all the money in the world and he buys walmart brand bows? If you pull this one back to many times the string will break. Why cant I just use yours?" You roll your eyes looking back at Clint.

"My bow, my baby. If you want ine bad enough you can start off at the bottom and work your way up. You have a card why dont you buy one?" He countered, just then the foor opened drawing your attention.

"Sorry, didnt realize that the area was occupied today, I just wanted to get a few throws in woth the new daggers Stark and Banner decided to enhance for me. Wanted to make sure that they wouldnt bloe up in my face." Loki said walking over to the bay next to you and Clint. You hadnt had a moment alone with the trickster since in the hall weeks ago and now he was here acting as of nothingbhad happened. You looked down at the daggers that he had laid out.

"Wow, those are beautiful." You noticed that not only had he laid down two simple green handeled knives but he had also laid down a set of electric blue ones and a set of gold handle ones engraved with ancient symbols and roses with the stems winding down the hilt. "May I?" You asked leaning down to get a closer look.

"Of course y/n, you are the one that gave me those." He answered casually. Your breathing hitched and you turned to look at him.

"Thats not funny Loki."

"I dont know what your talking about. I was simpl-" he started before you cut him off.

"You know damn good and well what I am talking about. What did you expect? Me to pick it up and everything come barreling back to me? Here I'll do you one even better." You stormed up to the daggers and grabbed one of the gold ones up throwing it at the target on the far side of the room. You had expected it to fall short and clink to the floor but you never hears it fall. When you looked at the target you noticed you had hit the middle.

Clints jaw had dropped as he was looking around the wall to see what you had been yelling about. Loki looked at you with a smug expression. "I assume they must have had knife throwing classes at the school you attended as well."

"Shut up. Clint are we done, I have some studying for class that I really need to do." You looked at clint as he knodded still awestruck. "Thanks, I'll talk with Tony about getting a better bow for me to practice with." You took off toward your room.

Later after you had taken a hot shower and changed into some leggings and a baggy shirt you decided to go to the one place in the tower that you had decided to claim as your own little study corner. It was located on of of the high up floors that happened to be more of an observation deck, you could watch the team leave on missions, see the ocean, and watch some of the most beautiful sun sets that you had seen. You had notice while checking the place out that there was a fairly large window seat that you could spead your work out on as you looked out over the city, this small part of the tower was your little hid away, you hadnt seen any other member of the team up here so you figured when you needed the alone time you could come here. It had seemed to work for the most part until today.

You notice the shadow of the figure standing over you before looking up into the eyes of Lokis confused ones, you had noticed his lips moving before rolling your eyes and taking out your noise canceling ear pods.

"What do you want Loki?" You sighed placing them back into the chsrging dock.

"Well if you hadnt had those things in you would have heard me tell you that I was sorry for earlier." He sassed crossing his arms.

"How did you find me? No one really bothers coming up here." You pulled your legs under your chin and covering you feet with the throw that you had brought up with you this time.

"The AI system has no bounderies when it comes to privacy, it can tell you were anyone is in this god forsaken place." He responded. "May I sit?"

"And if I say no?"

"I'll sit anyways." He shrugged.

"Then what is the point in asking?" You leaned forward moving your papers and books out of the way. He reached down and grabbed a few of the papers to help you.

"Your doing a paper on Shakespeare?" He asked as he sat down reading over the page.

"Umm, yeah. Part of my agreement to come here is so that I can finish up my collage classes. Drama and Art Major." He hamded the paper back to you so that you could stick it in your binder. He gave you a look that you were use to getting from him. "Don't say it Loki." You out your hand up to stop him before he could even open his mouth.

"I wasn't going to say anything." He held his hands up.

"Hum, interesting. The god of lies actually sucks at lying. I should remember that." You smiled. This was the first time you had actually felt half way confortable around him.

"I could never lie to you." He smiled back. "You have always had a knack for seeing right through me."

"I wish you wouldnt do that." You sighed leaning your heas agints the window behind you.

"Do what exactly?" He askes mirroring your position.

"Where you mention something about my past. Its annoying and it breaks my heart."

"Well Dove, how do you think I feel? The worst part about it for me is that while you remember nothing I am stuck remembering everything. Your past, my past, our past together. It truly is the worst pain that I have ever felt. To have something that you have wanted for so long in front of you and they dont even want you back." He sighed looking out the window.

"Loki," you crossed your legs and placed your elbows on your knees. "I have never said that I didnt want you. I just dont know what is what."

"So you do want me?" He laughted.

"That is not what I meant and you know it." You leanded back again. "Tell me about us. About how you and Thor know me." He eyes lite up.

Chapter 6

Tag list:

@high-functioning-lokipath

@serpentargo

@drbaureid

@poetic-fiasco

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@rosaline-black

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@natandersonnla

@delightfulheartdream

[lilypixels]

...............all of them.....?

It took me an hr to do this....🥲💀

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Teacupsss

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Uhhh cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably quiet and smart lol I did my school work and was friendly with everyone so I was a favorite and heard all the nice things 🙈

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I kinda like bottles more but like the glass ones with the caps that could slice your fingers-

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m for all but sports lol

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

Shows cause I’m the type to watch an hr long episode vs hr long movie idk why but I’m rarely in mood for them

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Drop the beat (ie songs that are upbeat and I like most)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Hmm...I guess lanyard?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Skittles or twizzlers

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

I had lots I had to read in school but only ever finished a handful lol my favorite I think was maybe Macbeth? I would say Odyssey but I don’t think we read the full thing cause I remember being disappointed about something like that...

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Sitting with my legs bent up in seat with me in some way

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Converse and some nice but cheap sneakers from Walmart

18. ideal weather?

Not too hot, not too cold, mild like before/after a rain (most the time), idc if it’s raining or sunny but as long as temp is comfortable I’m fine

19. sleeping position?

On my side most often

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone and notebook

21. obsession from childhood?

Oh gosh uhhh I guess my like of dolls maybe? Or obsession with anything ✨unexplained✨ like ghosts, aliens, cryptids, etc

22. role model?

Kim Namjoon lol just kidding (sorta)

23. strange habits?

Ok I know I have some and my friends would be more than happy to point them all out but hm let me think...idk if these count as habits but I’ll never place a mirror facing a bed (this is more superstitious I guess than habit,,,) I can’t stand my food touching, if I have a tray like in cafeteria I have a certain spot for everything and uh my mind just went blank-

24. favorite crystal?

Moonstone, lapis lazuli, and I feel obligated to say garnet cause it’s my birthstone

25. first song you remember hearing?

Circle of Life maybe who knows xD

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Walk or clean,,I’m more active and about with warm/nice weather

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

...stay inside where it’s warm

28. five songs to describe you?

Not this again😭 uhhh idk you tell me ajdbd

29. best way to bond with you?

Indulge me when I go off about things I like or learn 😔✊ I know I’ll talk your ear off and I’m sorry but know I don’t often talk about these things with people so once I start it’s hard to stop,,and it makes me really happy when people do listen to me about these things and send me related items every so often or even look into it themselves to learn more 🥺

30. places that you find sacred?

For some reason this feels like a trick question...um cemeteries and anything with ages of history I guess

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Oof do I really have a true outfit?? I have shoes for this which are just black platform sneakers I call stomping shoes

32. top five favorite vines?

I never,,,watched these,,,

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“Yes”...?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

State Farm and McDonald’s, always

35. average time you fall asleep?

10-11...usually...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Uhhh that one with the ginger dude (I think it was someone’s yearbook photo??) I don’t remember much else about the meme but it was on ifunny, or whatever the app was, a lot

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

Easy, tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

...neither

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Dude these questions really testing my brain power here- for senior prank someone put cereal in some bathroom sinks I think

41. last person you texted?

My mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I’m gonna say jacket since I wear those often

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie or cardigan

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Usually whatever shirt I’m wearing that day and some pj/lounge pants 🤷

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I-what kind of question is this? How does one even answer this?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

What comes around goes around lol (yes I’m a heavy believer of karma)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Lol who knows, probably something dumb me and my siblings were doing or something we watched cause there’s been plenty times of that xD

51. current stresses?

Homework vs free time e-e

52. favorite font?

I like the gothic looking ones but it’s usually not practical to use so idk

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My hands...? They’re fine ??

54. what did you learn from your first job?

How to care for babies and little kids, how to put on a diaper lol

56. favorite tradition?

I can’t remember a particular one off hand but I’m trying to start few new ones like decorating cookies for Halloween uwu

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Uhhhhh like personally or...? Cause we’ve overcome homelessness before, um finishing assignments idk😭 oh maybe bullying?? That’s all I can think of since I still struggle with a lot,,

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Alright let’s do thisss: creativity (mostly in writing sense), I can bake/cook, I have amazing organization skills and many work places have used that lol (bonus is I don’t mind, I actually really enjoy it, very peaceful), surprisingly good balance all things considered, I’m a quick learner

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I’m too tired for this.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Good question good question🤔 I don’t think I’d last in any of them/have a terrible side character role so 💀

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dude this is gonna get embarrassing I can feel it🤠

Itaru, Iori, Sogo, Belle, Simeon (obey me), Nozaki (he’s clueless about romance irl and doesn’t know when someone has a crush on him yet can write romance well enough and yeah it’s me lol), and uhh Swindler/Ordinary Person in Akudama Drive (still can’t believe no one really has names in that anime but the way she gets wrapped in everything felt like something that’d happen to me lol)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Like nightclub...? I’m skipping this ajdbd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Probably the Barbie site, me and my sister played all the dress up games almost daily istg

65. any permanent scars?

Appendectomy scars and then looks like I have one on a toe but it’s possible it still might heal...

66. favorite flower(s)?

Nightshade, foxglove, baby’s breath, bellflowers, roses

67. good luck charms?

I don’t think I have any...

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Lemon

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Let me think...I read something once about flowers having ears(?) but like not ear ears just something about having a part that picks up sound waves

70. left or right handed?

Right

71. least favorite pattern?

Lolll animal print I think

72. worst subject?

Physics...the worst science

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

6...?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I don’t remember, it probably happened when i was 6. I do remember losing one of my front teeth during my birthday one year and I was happy since the tooth had been loose for some time xD

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Chips I guess or just like fried in skillet

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A succulent probably

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither ew

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

They are both about equally terrible

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Fireflies

82. pc or console?

I am on pc side now

83. writing or drawing?

Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts I guess

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology, it’s too fun and chaotic lol

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Hm...cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

Uh,,,I don’t have many fears but I guess one would be falling from a great height? So I would get scared of crossing a bridge and it collapsing or riding a plane and it falling easily

88. your greatest wish?

World peace🥲

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom maybe...?

90. luckiest mistake?

I honestly don’t remember but something I do remember is I out semicolon instead of period and turned out to be correct grammar lol

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight or fairy lights, I don’t require much either way and prefer more natural lighting

93. nicknames?

Lassie, twinkle toes, Ash, poody butt (by 3 yr old I sometimes watch and play with lol he means it affectionately; I call him monkey butt and it’s catching on slowly instead)

94. favorite season?

Starting to be fall just a little more but I like transition times most

95. favorite app on your phone?

Let’s go with twitter

96. desktop background?

It is a moriarty and gang pic

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

2: mine and my moms

98. favorite historical era?

Ooo tough one but I’ll say renaissance as some of the coolest things came from that time

[phoenixyfriend]

What can I do to limit Amazon’s* negative impacts without harming vulnerable communities who rely on their services?

* or any similar company that people are forced to use to survive if they are poor, disabled, elderly, rurally isolated, or any combination of the above

My post on Amazon has been circulating pretty far these past few weeks, and a lot of people keep trying to argue about what can be done right now. 

1. Contact your representatives

If you live in the US, there are several sites you can use to figure out your senators (you have two) and your representative (you have one). Call them if there’s a phone number. Email them if there isn’t. They’re obligated to have SOME form of contact. If your rep is already on your side, they can use your email as evidence for how citizens feel about the issue when Congress is in session to argue. If your rep is NOT on your side, they will see the email as evidence that a portion of their constituency is NOT willing to reelect them if they don’t play nice, and that scares them a lot. Either way, make yourself heard. Harass them if you have to.

(For more local issues, especially things like minimum wage and labor laws, you can find your representatives for your state or city government, like your mayor or governor or county rep, and contact them as well. Make yourself heard.)

Write emails in your own words about one of the following subjects:

Supporting the USPS. It’s the backbone of the US shipping industry, and major shipping companies like UPS, FedEx, and Amazon use it for overflow.

Monopolies and antitrust acts. Reference past antitrust acts leveled against oil, railroad, and telecom monopolies.

Raising the minimum wage. Reference inflation.

Enacting a marginal tax rate on high earners (re: the 1%, but phrased in a way that they’ll take seriously). Reference the marginal tax rates of the fifties.

Increasing disability benefits. Try to work something in about how stringent the requirements to qualify are, and how benefits don’t cover enough for medical care, transportation, assistive technology, and so on.

Increasing social security benefits for retirees. People pay into this fund all their lives as part of their income tax; it’s supposed to benefit them right back! (You can circle back to marginal tax rates and how the rich usually have savings and don’t need social security, but the poor often don’t have savings and rely on it.)

Enforcing corporate taxation. Find some statistics on who paid corporate  taxes in the past few years and who didn’t. Make sure to find a few big names and what their tax rate SHOULD have been. Emphasize how much extra money the government would be making.

Nationalizing the health care industry. Reference how well it works for countries like Canada, Korea, or Sweden, and how often hard-working Americans are bankrupted by unexpected medical emergencies.

Enacting or enforcing higher standards of employee rights. Did you know that minimum wage employees in Indiana don’t have the right to a lunch break unless they’ve been working at least twelve hours?

Legal repercussions for predatory pricing practices. Walmart is the best-known for this, but Amazon does it too, and they’re a fair bit sneakier about it.

Capping rent prices. Housing costs are among the highest financial pressures Americans face right now, and the fact that housing costs have risen SO much faster than the minimum wage is why it’s impossible to rent a one-bedroom apartment on a minimum wage anywhere in the US right now.

Capping upper management incomes. A CEO should not be earning several thousand, or several million, times as much money as their employees. It’s a long stretch (so argue the more achievable things first), but imagine if we could convince the government to say “actually, you can only make up to twenty times as much per hour as your lowest-paid employee.”

Banning police as threats against unions. UNIONS ARE GOOD THINGS. SUPPORT THEM.

Anything else that comes to mind! There are lots of subjects. This list is not an exhaustive one.

2. Vote

Pretty self-explanatory, I think. Vote in every election. Sometimes you won’t be able to vote for your top choice, and that sucks, but remember that our system is fucked and you have to go for the lesser evil that’s still capable of winning. So vote Blue (because ambivalence to our desires is better than glee at our suffering), and then send as many emails and make as many calls as you can to force them to recognize that, since you helped them get into office, they have to honor the deal to actually represent you now.

3. Support small businesses

Okay, so supporting local businesses probably isn’t too easy in a pandemic. You can’t just walk to your nearest mom and pop store to see if there’s an affordable option. That said, if you can afford to do so, try to see if there are small businesses in your area that are doing delivery or curbside-pickup.

If you live in a more rural area, see about ordering from small online businesses for non-essentials. If you’re thinking “hey, I’d like a new scarf” or something, check Instagram or Etsy first. All faults aside, Etsy is only a marketplace, not a seller themselves, so they rely on the vendors using their site to remain in business. (Whereas Amazon tries to drive their vendors out of business to take over their market share.) You can also use Google Shopping, eBay, or Craigslist.

4. Don’t Use Amazon (or similar), but don’t shame people for using it either

Some people rely on loss leaders to survive. That’s a fault of the American economy being a horrifying mess, and I listed a whole litany of the causes above. Money talks, so avoid using Amazon unless there is NO other way to get your product, but if someone you know uses Amazon, and you know they’re struggling, keep your mouth shut. If they’re not struggling, mention your distaste for Amazon but don’t push the issue; they’re more likely to come around if they feel like you’re not passing a moral judgement on them for it.

5. Recognize that many fairly-priced products are more expensive than you’re used to

The example I usually use is fashion. We’re used to a shirt costing ten or twenty dollars, even at places other than Walmart or Target. This price is what we’re led to believe is reasonable, but it’s really a factor of incredibly underpaid workers, usually overseas. If you can’t afford it, feel free to blame the low minimum wage (I certainly do), but remember to take a step back and remind yourself that it’s not that the piece is expensive, it’s that you are underpaid, and the current system is trying to teach you to expect cheaper items as the norm so they can get away with paying even more people less than they deserve.

6. DONATE

Yeah! There are a whole lot of nonprofit agencies that focus on issues that relate to this topic. I prefer to donate to organizations that focus on enacting systemic change through legal or institutional channels, like the ACLU and AAPD, but there are a lot of options, some of which focus on more direct help, or on specific parts of the country. Figure out one that speaks to you, check it against a trusted charity rating system like Charity Navigator, and set up a monthly donation if you can afford to. Constant support can cause compassion fatigue, but consistent support is how you Get Shit Done.

7. March

Join an activist group and march. Sometimes there are other major events going on (hijacking one of the current marches against racism and police brutality in favor of one about monopolies would be in bad taste AT BEST), but there will come an opportunity to make your voice heard by showing up on the street and just yelling with a sign.

Now go forth and unleash hell.

[caffeinated-chaos-bean]

Mid-2021 Blog Update

Hey guys.

So... It’s been a while. Quite a while... and I want to lay some things out as to why I’ve been gone and the blog has practically been dead in the water for half a year, if not for a whole year. 

I want you to know that what I’m going to say will be in heavy detail. I’m comfortable speaking on it, and what information doesn’t just include me will be using either public details that I know I can share or will be put in a short and sweet manner.

This is your trigger warning: If you need to click off or scroll past due to the mention of extremely bad mental health, toxic relationships and households, the mention of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, please do so now.

. . .

First off, I’ve lessened the amount of time I’ve been online due to my mental health. I was put on antidepressants as well as told to take anti-anxiety gummies in November and will be weaned off of those starting this October. A lot of my family and relationship drama on top of the world practically shutting down and going into chaos thanks to COVID-19 just took a major toll on me. With so much on my shoulders, stress from living with said things on my shoulders, unsupportive family members, and an emotionally distant partner, I was at one of the lowest points in the life. I’d never had to be on mood-related medication in my life until last November. I’d always been able to handle what was thrown at me, but mid- to late-2020 was what knocked me down that low for the first time in my life. Suicidal thoughts came and went (they weren’t often, only when I couldn’t bottle my emotions up any longer but didn’t have a way to express them either), but even when they did, I knew that it was just in my head. I never once chose to act on them, because to me, that is not a way to solve a problem or escape your inner demons. All it does it put your personal suffering onto those around you -- your friends, family, and those who cared about you even when you don’t see it -- and it doesn’t do anyone any good. When my doctor asked me about suicide, that’s the very explanation I gave her. Yes, they happened, but I’d never act on them; it’s not a way out and it puts your pain onto others and only worsens the situation for the long-term.

Aside from that, though... I move on to other personal reasons for my absence that helped trigger what was mentioned above. Mid-August of 2019, my then fiancé's mother was murdered by two 17yr old boys of whom she and their family knew. Going off the information that was made public, one boy had mixed meth with marijuana prior to the killing. He claimed that my fiancé’s mother mouthed off and made a derogatory comment about his deceased mother, thus sparking the incident. While he claims to have only stabbed her once, the autopsy report shows that her head/face and upper torso were “hacked, slashed, and chopped” repeatedly with “various sharp, bladed objects”. Not only did they murder her, the two individuals also set the grass around her body on fire along with her home. When we found out about this having happened, I had no idea how bad it would have turned my relationship upside-down. My now ex-fiancé didn’t come from a great childhood, there was abuse and CPS, among other things. But he had managed and was a good person. He could make me laugh and tear up at his jokes, sang beautifully, and did everything to make those around him happy. When he lost his mom, it broke him. It shattered his very being, because not only did he know the two who caused it to happen, he also was unable to reconcile and make amends with his mother for what he went through as a child. He was robbed of being able to forgive and be on good terms with her, and it broke him. He stopped communicating with family, he took bereavement after being pulled from work by family the day it was confirmed to be his mother only to to fired 3 months down the line when he tried to go back (fuck Walmart for that btw), and was slowly becoming a hypochondriac. He stopped talking to me, he would cry in his sleep, and grief made him lash out as was expected. But as the days dragged on, his motivation and care towards finding a new job dwindled. He and my mother would fight endlessly and I was caught in the middle of it, as we all were in one household. There were times in which I would keep my phone on my leg and record for my own personal documentation should I need it due to how bad my own mother would belittle me, belittle my ex behind his back, and just scream and go off. When I’d turn to my ex for comfort, he wasn’t much help due to his own deteriorating mental health. He took to discord, specifically the Vampire the Masquerade community, as his escape from reality. He eventually would hardly talk to me at all, show no compassion, and at times I tried to speak with him about getting a new job or suggesting part-time ones that I felt would be easy and as stress-free as possible for him, I would be shooed away without a word; if I tried to further my attempt to have the conversation, he eventually got an attitude and would just say “Bye!” over and over again while shooing with his hand to get me to leave. There were many days where I’d get off work and sit in the bathroom for an hour and cry because of my frustration and how I felt stuck between two people I cared about deeply (ie. my ex and my mother).

My ex has since moved out and no longer lived with us. He and I are no longer together, and he has cut off all communication to me along with his family. He isn’t living in California anymore, really. He met up with discord friends and is in another state. That’s the last I heard from him. That’s the last his family heard. He doesn’t talk to us or attempt to reach out or respond when his family reaches out. I still very much care about him and want him to get better, but if he has to do so by being away from everyone, then so be it.

While I was letting - or shutting out, rather - the emotions I was feeling once he officially moved out, I relapsed with my anxiety tick; with my trichotillomania. I have a good number of smaller, thinned out spots in my hair from unconsciously pulling out strands of hair when my emotions didn’t know how to regulate. I’m still fighting to get this under control, as I do still catch myself doing it and so does my mother. It currently is not as bad as when my ex first moved out and I had to adjust back into sleeping alone and without someone next to me, but I do still pull. I am looking into trying to get my sister to order me a HabbitAware bracelet for me this Christmas in order to help get my tick back under control. I know its something I will live with forever and go in and out of doing, as there is no cure or medication to curb trichotillomania, but its something to help me be more aware of how often I do pull and to train it to no longer be a muscle memory response.

Most recently, I’ve had to stop taking melatonin. I’ve had bouts of insomnia since my ex left, and eventually I took enough melatonin to not only build an immunity to it but also a slight dependence. I was taking more than I should have been, and I noticed the signs of it and have stopped taking melatonin altogether. Due to this, I have switched to hempseed oil gummies. I take 2 before bed and they have helped wonderfully. But, due to how easy it was for me to become dependent on melatonin, I do plan to take brief breaks from the gummies to avoid a similar situation. I also do not plan on seeking an insomnia medication due to the same reasons. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I knew i was becoming addicted, and due to this I do not wish to risk it happening with a prescription sleep medication. I will deal with my bouts of insomnia as they come.

I also am conquering my insecurities towards others knowing I am a fan of Michael Jackson; a moonwalker. In elementary school (5th grade, 2009), I went through a heavy obsessive phase when he passed. I’d never heard of him, and when I listened to his music that firs time I was instantly hooked. I was ridiculed at school after I performed “Thriller” during a talent show; I had classmates going as far as saying that I must want him to kidnap and r*pe me if I enjoyed his music so much. I didn’t understand the gravity of those comments back then the way that I do now that I’m 23, but I still knew to an extent that what they were saying was in now way a good thing. I shut out his music from mid-6th grade all the way until this year. I hadn’t listened to a single song aside from hearing “Thriller” on the radio during October. For my birthday this year, I had a friend take me out of town and get away for a day. The entire time, she surprised me by playing hours of his music when in the car with her. It has since reopened that connection to his music and I’ve been listening to his songs with a fresh take, with the mind of an adult who can comprehend his words and understand finally what he’s saying for each song. As such, I’ve become more comfortable with others knowing I’m a moonwalker. You can have your opininos of the man, you can choose to believe the tabloids and junk media or make your own conclusions after assessing the details and documents of his life, but I will enjoy the same freedom of opinion.

I know this is getting pretty long, but I wanted to fill those who still might be checking up on this blog for any sort of update or spec of life coming from it in on what’s practically killed the blogs for a good chunk of time.

I do plan to slowly start doing stuff again after Halloween. I have a video made that I plan to post for Halloween and I look forward to letting Kikumi and the others be open for asks again. Until then, may the wind guide you all. I hope everyone can have a safe and wonderful rest of August. I will see you in October.

[antivirus-mh-au]

Antivirus - Chapter 3

TW: Discussions of homophobia, angst Ships: Jam Chapter 1 here Chapter 2 here Ao3 link

If you like this, please leave a like, reblog, or send me an ask! It encourages me so much. 

He could already tell sleep wasn’t happening tonight.

Tim sat with his legs dangling out the side doors of his van. His fingers ached for a second cigarette, but he’d reached his personal limit for the night. If he smoked again, he’d run out before dawn, and that was as bad for his health as rescuing people. He was the prize of a race between death by cancer and the Operator. However his life ended, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

He’d parked in the outer edges of a Walmart. If he’d planned on sleeping, he would’ve gone inside, bought a few things, let the manager know he was hanging around for the night. But this was just another stop in a road trip that never ended. One way or another, tonight he’d get back on the road, and drive until his body had enough.

But where would he go? Up north, or east, towards Alabama?

He took off his glasses and rubbed the space between his eyes. Most people didn’t know he wore contacts, but then again, most people didn’t stick around long enough in his life to ask. The last time anyone actually found out was Jay. The look on his face when he saw Tim in glasses… Even now, Tim’s face broke into a smile at the memory.

Jay… Tim put his glasses back on. Picking up the tablet sitting next to him, Tim flipped through a few apps he’d left open until he got to the one he wanted. He glanced up, eyes scanning the parking lot. In the distance, someone laughed, a car door slammed, people walked back to their cars with their carts full of bags. Tim looked back to the photos.

Meredith had sent all of them, so she said. Said there might be more on the flash drive she was sent, but she wasn’t comfortable connecting it to her computer and finding out. Once he found a spot to claim as his headquarters, he’d have her send it to him. But there were enough photos to prove the sender’s point. Enough to make him feel sick to his stomach.

They were taken from a distance, some zoomed in by the taker, stalker style. Probably on a phone of some kind. He wasn’t an expert in analyzing photos and he didn’t have anyone that could help with that. Didn’t matter, the content was clear enough.

Alex standing at a crosswalk, one hand on the strap of his backpack slung over his shoulder. Alex sitting on a park bench, his eyes closed in pain or sorrow. Alex in front of a row of canned soup, looking almost confused. A little older, a little thinner, gray hair on his temples and stubble coating his chin, but it was Alex. It could only be Alex.

None of the photos gave a clear look at Alex’s neck. Should he be grateful for that?

So… somehow, Alex… Survive wasn’t the word. Tim felt the life going out of Alex that miserable day, felt his heart stop pumping and saw the eyes behind the glasses glaze over in death. There was no surviving that. Unless he’d hallucinated the whole thing, but, no, he wasn’t going to consider that. He’d killed Alex. He’d murdered Alex. And now, he was alive again.

Tim shuddered. Could It have done this? The Operator was powerful beyond belief, but did It have control over life and death?

Mysteries of how he came back aside, it was definitely Alex in the photos. The ones supposedly showing Jay, though...

He looked at all of them. Really, he stared at all of them, lingering over the slightly grainy photos. They were taken just like the ones of Alex, but somehow, they felt even more… secretive. As if the photographer tried to hide instead of being subtle about what they were doing. They were clear enough, though.

Clear enough to convince Tim it wasn’t Jay.

Jay was untouched. The same weight, the same hair, the same face, without grays or wrinkles. A man in his youth, the so-called prime of his life, somewhere in his mid-twenties. The clothes were different, his green jacket replaced by a black one, his hat gone from his head. And no cameras.

… He looked… happy. Even in the pictures he wasn’t smiling in, the light shone out through his eyes. His clothes were often wrinkled or dirty, his shoes old or secondhand, but it didn't seem to matter to him. Jay stood without tension in his body, arms loose, head held high. As if nothing had ever happened to him. As if he hadn't bled out slowly in an abandoned building, all alone.

Tim twisted around and reached, setting the tablet on the small table that folded out from the walls of his van. Turning his back on the night, he crawled inside his home and slammed the doors shut behind him.

Modifying this van had taken him years, working on and off in between cases. Now it was a pretty comfortable place to live. A kitchen with fridge, range and sink, a bed that folded out into a couch, a small table, and all the storage space he could need, not that he needed much. It would fit two people comfortably, but he didn't need it to take care of anyone but himself.

Next to his tablet was a book he'd bought from the library he'd visited earlier in the day, some cheap fiction novel. Tim had both bookmarks inside it, waiting to be read when he had the time. Like now. Sitting down on the couch, he opened to the first page, but his mind drifted.

"I wasn't as good a mother to him as I should've been," Meredith had said. "My love had limits, even though I didn't know it at the time."

He was used to this, the painful stories told without him asking for them. Being the last resort for a lot of loved ones, they treated him like a confidant as much as a private investigator. They needed to talk about it. They needed someone to tell them it would be okay. Tim was okay being that person, but it was different when he knew the missing people himself.

But Meredith didn't know that.

"I know it seems impossible," she'd said, "but I'd recognize Jay and Alex no matter what disguise they wore. They were both my sons. It's definitely them in the photos. It can't be anyone but them."

"Mrs. Frederickson," he'd started, but his first sentence died on his lips. "I have no reason to doubt you," he lied, "but why do you think this is something I can help you with?"

Meredith inhaled. "No one else will take this job. I tried five different companies. They refused because of the infamy of the Marble Hornets videos. And the note in the package…"

She looked down, bit her lip, just like Jay did ten years before.

"It said you were the only one that could help."

Tim blinked the memories away. He glanced at the book in his hands, and tossed it aside. Reading wasn't happening tonight. Sleeping wasn't happening tonight. What was going to happen tonight?

Outside the van, the trees shifted in the hot Louisiana wind. Cars cruised the highway. Lights blocked out the stars.

I would know him anywhere, she'd said. But if it wasn't Jay, he'd be dragging a complete stranger into a hell that most people couldn't imagine. Even if he kept It away, It would have plenty of time to ruin this man's life before he could save him.

Just like he couldn't save the actual Jay.

I can’t do this, he thought. 

I have to do this, he thought.

He yanked his phone from his pocket and unlocked it. Meredith’s number was already saved, and it wasn’t too late. Two rings, and she picked up.

“Mrs. Fredrickson?” His tone didn’t give away the way his thoughts raced through his head. “Thank you for your patience. I’ve decided to take your case. No,” he cut her off. “No, you don’t need to pay me in advance-” He jerked. “That’s - that’s far more than my rates - I really don’t need that much - yes I will absolutely let you know once I’ve established a base in the area - Breathe, Mrs. Fredrickson-”

The conversation ended with joyful tears from Meredith, Tim being only too grateful to hang up. He stared at his phone until the screen went black again, heart hurting. What a liar he was. He wasn’t going to find Jay. He was doing this to find Alex.

Once he was in Alabama, it would be easy to confirm the identity of the doppelganger in the photos, without actually speaking to him. Assuming the Operator didn’t sense Tim’s interest and attempt to infect him just to be an asshole. But Alex? That was definitely him. The age, the wear and tear on his body, the stupid fucking glasses - Tim would know him anywhere.

Jay was dead. Alex wasn’t. And it was Alex’s fucking fault Jay was dead, it was Alex that pulled the trigger and Alex that taunted him for not being able to save him. It was Alex who Tim saw in his nightmares even now, shooting Jay, over and over. The more he thought about it, the more his blood burned. How could Alex live knowing what he’d done? What right did Alex have to live when Jay didn’t?

Meredith had forgiven Alex. Tim wasn’t ready to.

Tim took a deep breath, calming his fury. He’d deal with that when the time came. Right now, he had to drive. He had a long way to go back to Alabama.

… He hadn’t really thought about that. That doing this meant going back to Alabama. Of course he knew what it meant to take this case. He had to go back to Alabama to do it. But once he left Alabama, he swore he’d never go back, no matter what happened. Even if the world ended, he’d never return. It was there, Rosswood was there, the memories that stood intact, buried forever in the walls of the buildings they’d visited, were there.

The Operator was stronger in Alabama than anywhere else in the world, far as Tim could tell. It seemed centered in Rosswood. Within that state, It could seemingly do anything. Would his gift, his ability to repel it, work within the state borders? What if he couldn’t protect anyone there - including himself?

He could be walking into a trap.

But Jay… 

Leaning back on the cushion behind him, Tim closed his eyes.

“My love had limits,” Meredith said.

“What do you mean?” Tim had asked.

Meredith took a breath, and her eyes, so much like Jay’s, met Tim’s.

“Jay was - is gay,” she said. “We knew it at the time, but we didn’t want to believe it. We were wealthy people, we thought we were Christians, we had standards… We thought he was going through a college phase, the kind a lot of young adults go through when they’re free from their parents. But looking back…” She shook her head. “I was wrong. What I did, what I believed, it was wrong. I want to apologize to him for it, if I can. If he’ll let me.”

Jay is gay. The words hit hard as a punch to the chest. Pieces of the past he hadn’t known were out of place lined up. Little things Jay did, little looks, little words, little winces and cringes and pained expressions at the things people said or did. Things he hadn’t even thought of made sense in a way that could’ve knocked him over. How Tim kept his cool after that, he couldn’t remember. How he kept from crying, he didn’t know.

Jay is… was gay. Of course he kept that a secret from everyone, they lived in fucking Alabama. Things had improved in the past ten years, but back then, to be openly gay was to have a target on your back, for ridicule if not violence. Their college campus didn’t even allow a LGBT club, or a gay-straight alliance. It just wasn’t done. If Jay had been alive now, he would’ve thrived the way he was always supposed to.

Jay. Alive. Happy. Living in another state. Dating another man, someone other than Tim.

Had Jay felt the way for Tim, the way Tim felt for his ghost? The memories of a man he lost too soon burned strong through his life, in a way Tim for years felt he shouldn’t. Homophobia nothing, he hadn’t known Jay for very long. Was it right to feel that way for him? Did he really love Jay, or did he love the man he put together from his memories and pain? He didn’t have any answers. He tried to keep up with cases so he didn’t think about it but it looked like he wasn’t going to have a choice anymore.

Something chattered in the back of his mind, an anxious, angry, wordless voice. Tim took a deep breath, then another. He wasn’t going to think about this. This was going back in the box until he could process it. There was a long way to go from here, and the road wouldn’t be as smooth as the pavement he normally drove on.

Buckle up, he told himself as he stood and moved for the driver’s seat. This is only going to get harder from here.

---

And in the wooden seat he swayed, swayed from side to side, the tumbling words dying from his lips. The man groaned, his eyes closed behind the blindfold. He was alone in this room, no windows, one door, a chair, a table, a laptop, a microphone, himself.

He swayed, he swayed, and in the electronic silence the little tings of the assembled viewers in their little box rang out sweet as bells. It meant nothing to him, what they said, what they did, what they believed. It was enough to serve.

The man let out a moan, his voice hoarse, his lips dry and cracked. The strings were cut, the God had pulled away. Now he was alone, alone in this room with the wooden walls and floor, his breathing echoing, the light above buzzing and flickering. Where are you God? Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Have I displeased you?

And like a light pouring from an open door in his mind--

Euphoria. A joy unlike anything he’d ever tasted, an endless rush of wind that swept him from his thoughts. Joy, relief, pride, and the sweet undercurrent of plans that stretched millennia and into realms that his human mind would never understand. It was God, speaking to him, letting him feel Its emotions, letting him taste the infinity of Its existence. In this moment, he could feel Heaven wrapping warm tendrils around his robed body, carrying his soul free, just for this moment.

No rapture would ever be this wonderful.

Blood poured from his closed eyes, his nose and ears, dripping onto his folded hands, onto the folding table. But there was no pain. There was only joy. His God felt joy.

He let the words fall from his lips, even though he did not understand.

“He’s coming.”

And a darkness swept over him, the joy lulling him into the night. The Neophyte fell from his chair onto the cold floor, unconscious and unaware of the shockwaves now shooting through his audience.

[shenandoahandback2021]

We got to Missouri and ended up new near Laura Ingall's Wilder house and decided to stop and see it.   It was very interesting and she had a very interesting life before she starting writing the books about that life. As luck would have it, there was a campground right across the road from the house. We spent a nice relaxing evening there is there and then headed East on route state 160 which was like a rollercoaster but nice driving and good pavement.   Sep 2    We found a campground that was only available for one night  on Thursday. It's a campground specifically designed for 4 wheelers to come and ride around in the wilderness. It's near the river and quiet hours don't start until midnight! The owners of the campground ask us to come over after we ate and visit with her friends and family.  It was an interesting visit. Her husband and a couple of the other guys are Civil War  Re-enactors. They have some interesting stories about incidences happen during some of their maneuvers.  In the morning we went over and spent a couple of hours chatting with some other people and had a great time but finally had to leave   Sep 3    We were close to Loretta Lynn's home place in Butcher Holler so we decided to go there. Getting there was a hoot and the road turn into a single lane road and there was no place to park for an RV. We drove past the house and turned around on a on a very narrow turnaround place. Wed were able to park parallel to the road. The house was very interesting and had most of the original furniture. Her 2 nieces gave the tours and they knew much more about a her than any person who had been schooled in it.  Since it was Friday night of the Labor Day weekend, we could not find a campground so we had to sleep in the Hardee’s parking lot.   Sep 4    We drove to the New River gorge National Park. There were no rooms at the end at the 1st two RV parks but we found a nice park across from a National Guard armory and decided to spend 2 nights. In the morning, we went to the New River Gorge National Park.  You can walk under the bridge, but there were no openings at the private company that ran the bridge walk.  The bridge is the longest single-arch bridge in the Western Hemisphere and the 3rd longest in the world.  It was the longest in the world for 26 years when first completed. We drove down to the bottom of the gorge and stopped on the way to look at the bridge construction. We drove over the river to the other side of the bridge and parked to come back and look at it from a different perspective.  The signs said the road was not recommended for RVs or trailers, but when we parked on the other side of the river there were school busses and trailers carrying raft equipment for people who raft down the river down the river. We met a group from Raleigh and New Jersey who commented that they were looking at a Leisure Travel Van to purchase so we showed them ours.  At 1st we didn't know they were from Raleigh but when we found out I told them I had graduated from NC State. One gentleman, Clive, had graduated from state and the other man was from New Jersey. They had a Chinese grandmother with them along with the Chinese wives from New York City and we had a great conversation. I showed them my lifetime membership to the NC STATE student union.  The grandmother said when you come to Raleigh again you must come visit and I said be careful what you ask for. You only have to give me your address. I gave them my card but we haven't heard from them.   Next day.    We had two things on our minds for the next day and decided to drive down to an old abandoned coal mine. Again it said the road was not suitable for RVs, but I stopped at the last leg of the trip and asked the man living there if our RV could make the trip. He looked it over said, ”Yup” because he drives his oversized pickup truck down there often to the river. It was an interesting drive and we had to blow our horn around a couple of the curves to make sure no one ran into us. Sure enough one curve had someone coming around and she heard our horn and stopped before we smacked into each other. Her little Chevy would have been a hood ornament on the Mercedes. It was a pretty interesting drive all the way and when we were 100' from the parking lot there was a pothole on the left side. I decided to go a little bit right to miss that instead of slowing down too much and there was a rock hidden in the grass and it tore out our steps from the side door. We were able to tie the mangled steps up to the frame to drive back out of the area. I stopped and told the man who said that RV would go there that we lost the steps. He was apologetic but I told him it was not his fault.  I asked if he knew someone who had a torch that I could get to cut the mangled steps off so we could continue our trip. He said to pull over front of my white truck there. As I drove over to it, I noticed that he had cutting torches on the back of his truck and he was a welder. How lucky can you be when you are so unlucky to start with. He cut the mangled steps off and we discovered that he had trained to be a tanker at Ft Knox after I had been there. We had a nice talk and he wouldn’t take any pay for the work. We went back to the campground and worked on the minor metal damage under the door. The motor was still working but it had nothing to move. I think I'll leave the body damage alone to remind me of my situation. There was plenty of room to make the drive I just had a 50-50 decision and went right instead of left. At least I can buy a new set of steps on Amazon and put them on when I get home. There are only 4 bolts holding the step mechanism is up to the frame.   Next day    We drove down to the end of the gorge and turned back up to the Sandstone Falls that are part of the National Park. There is a boardwalk that you can walk out to see them and it's a very interesting area. We met a nice couple from Virginia Beach, Ted and Julinne on the way out there. They have been thinking about buying an RV like ours to start traveling with in a couple of years. They were very interesting couple and had traveled a bit already. We invited them to have a cup of coffee with us because it was coffee time and we ended up spending 2 and a 1/2 hours discussing the RV, traveling what’s to see in Virginia et cetera. We hope we hear from them again and they said they would to ask us more information about the RV. On the way in we had seen an RV park on the river so we went back to that and stopped because it was getting late. We got a spot there for the night and it was very peaceful on the river.   Next day    We had morning fog below the ridge line call my but it was very nice and we had a relaxing start to the morning. We headed toward the north end of the Shenandoah Valley National Park. We got within 2 hours of my cousins house and her 3 daughters before we stopped for the night. I contacted them by phone and I thought by text but the text didn't work. We spent the night in a Walmart parking lot because there were no openings at the nearby RV parks.   Next day    We had given up seeing my cousins because I had not heard back from them, but in the morning, they called me and said please come by. We went to Ashburn, Virginia to see them and were able to park in the driveway. We had a good 3 hour or so visit is and they decided to go for a late lunch at one of their favorite restaurants. It was an old barn converted to a restaurant and it added on to it with different venue spaces and had several bars. In one bar they had carriages hanging from the ceiling from different eras. When we got back to the house about 5, I said guess we'll be going now try to get somewhere before it got too late. They said the traffic will be pretty bad and said why don't you spend the night. We said, well if you don't mind we'd love to. They have a 5-bedroom, 5,500 ft² house on 3 levels to the head plenty of room. We stayed up watching the news and then the US Open tennis matches and talking until midnight when I suspect they usually go to bed pretty early. I had not visited with my cousin or her family except for a funeral for her brother and we didn't get to visit very much then.  The three sisters have been living together for several years, at least 20, I think.  When their dad died a few years ago, my cousin, their mother came to live with them. Everyone has their own bedroom and bath and private space.  There is a suite downstairs with a gigantic screen TV with a Projector. We had that suite last night. After a late breakfast and lots more stories, we headed down to the Skyline Drive for the Shenandoah National Park. It was a beautiful drive part way down the Park until we decided to stop at KOA for the night.   Next day  We arrived at the Luray Caverns and spent most of the day there. We had a very nice visit at Luray caverns, very relaxing. It is an interesting cave, unlike any we have seen. The formations are striking and many stalagmites have come together with the stalactites. It is a very easy walk through the caverns on a paved walkway that is non slippery. They have an antique vehicle museum with all types of vehicles calls from buggies to Rolls Royce’s. They also have a Pioneer replica village set up that has many buildings from the surrounding area that were taken down and completely restored in this village. When we got back to the RV, there was a nice young couple next to us that we struck up a conversation with and ended up talking to them for about an hour. The husband is a pastor at the local Hispanic church and he is also a computer Tech for the IRS for his regular job. His daughter plays the flute and his wife sings and leads the church choir. They are from Puerto Rico and most of the family have come here to be with them. They came here 21 years to go to live 5 years or so and go to school. He was a police officer in Puerto Rico. When we got back to the KOA for the night, a couple we had met our first day stopped to speak to us and we had a drink and talked for an hour or so. They said they were sorry they didn't get to say goodbye to us this morning not knowing we would be back tonight. We didn't know we were going to be back tonight until we got to the caverns and decided we should stay another night to relax. It's lucky that we called as soon as we decided, because the campground is full tonight. We just enjoyed some homemade fudge from a small shop in the Luray Caverns Village.    

[penroseparticle]

4, 15, 25, 38, 51, 69, 76, 83, 94, 108, 116, 122, 136, 149 + 150

4: 3 things I love

Summer evening naps, with a breeze and the window open, some light music playing, and it’s cool enough for a throw blanket from the couch. The most peaceful time in the world.

Stomping off snow from your boots, and being handed a bowl of steaming, hearty soup before you even take your jacket off. You hold the soup in your hands like a handwarmer and smell that homemade, lovingly crafted sign of care. When you finally eat, the soup is delicious.

bubblebaths, man. Just bubblebaths.

15: Favourite quote

I actually collect quotes! There was a dog tag engraver at the local Walmart back home in Indiana and I’d spend 5 bucks and get a quote engraved in one every few weeks. I must have like 40 of them. I stopped because the machines are harder to find now but I might start again. I love quotes. I fished one out of the pile and it’s: 

“We become what we pretend to be. So we must be careful what we pretend to be” by Kurt Vonnegut. Aka the fake it til you make it mantra or how I turned into a positive person.

25: Ever done a prank call?

I haven’t done a prank call, but I have gone through a drive thru when I knew my friend was working and pretended to be a difficult customer. She thought it was funny. She returned the favor once and I poured her drink out onto the pavement. Sometimes I miss McDonalds but usually I know better

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

We don’t! I don’t speak with him though as he lives in like, Minnesota now? But I checked his facebook the other day he seems good.

51: When was the last time I hugged someone?

I used to hug people all the time- I’m a very tactile person, I love hugs and physical affection. Holding hands, carding through hair, etc.

It must have been on Friday- there were some friends over for Christmas, and I got to hug them. It was nice.

I don’t hug people often enough.

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

I believe it was when I simultaneously broke my big toe on one foot and my heelbone on the other? Bad times for walking. My ankle still pops in and out sometimes!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Doo Wop (That Thing) by Ms. Lauryn Hill. A classic slam dunk. It makes me happy because it reminds me of when I was little, it’s a jam of a song, and my mom loves Lauryn Hill.

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Healing powers. The power to heal injuries and illnesses. It’s the only superpower I’ve ever wanted. Just classic, DnD style I can fix that healing spells.

94: Left the house without my wallet?

Constantly. Last night I left work, locked the door, and realized I left my phone charging in my office. I had to sneak back in and set off the alarm =/

108: Been outside my home country?

Sadly only been to the US, and only to like 20 states. But I’d like to travel more!

116: What concerts have I been to?

Hmm... 21 Pilots (twice), Betty Who (4 times), Caravan Palace (twice), Dorothy, Reptar, LIzzo, Billie Eilish, Troye Sivan, NOT 21 Savage because I was too busy getting a friend laid, Wallows, Jimmy Eat World (twice), Silver Sun Pickups, Oh Wonder (Twice), Broods, Young the Giant, Glass Animals, Arctic Monkeys, a few other people. I don’t have a comprehensive list but most of these stick out as good memories.

I was SUPPOSED to see Halsey and someone else this year, but like... yeah. Plus, who knows what concerts I would have gone to on a whim!

122: Dyed my hair?

Once, very poorly, with box dye. It went poorly. I dyed it red for Caps playoffs and looked terrible.

I kind of want to dye it again though. Maybe silver or some light blue color?

136: Do I like my handwriting?

I have doctor handwriting, aka it’s terrible. It has charm though!

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

One time when I was working as a diner line cook, one of the waitresses told me a sweet little old lady in the dining room asked her if she could “Ask the nice white cook” to make her food. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

Boring but practical: Pay off my bills and loans, pay off the bills and loans of my loved ones, invest in my local community, and buy a place in DC so I never have to worry about renting again. Buy a motorcycle, and get enough magic cards to be able to play Vintage and Legacy. After that, give back as much as I can.

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

The Hate Project by Kris Ripper

The Love Study #2

 Adored this Carina Adores romance! It had me smiling, caring, chuckling, and hoping for the best for two rather prickly characters. I will say that the story grew on me and I was not enamored at all by the end of the first chapter BUT by the end of the second chapter I was invested and wanted to know what would happen.

 What I liked:

* The slow build of the relationship

* That the two men were not “easy” to love from the first moment you met them

* The group of friends that go by a name that would be censored if I typed it in her…they are there for one another no matter what.

* Being able to read and understand this book without having read book one in the series first

* Stepping into a world that is not my own

* Oscar: anxiety plagued, quirky, caring, organized, interesting, a person that as explained helped me understand better someone I know.

* Jack: bright, cautious, caring, loves his grandmother, a person with potential that is tapped in this story.

* That both characters became more and more real as I read, I was invested in them and their HEA was something I truly wanted them to achieve.

* Evelyn: Jack’s grandmother is a character and oh so lovable!

* The way the hoarding aspect of the story was handled

* Finding out what “The Secret” was

* All of it really except…

 What I didn’t like:

* Having to say goodbye to the characters when the book ended…

 Thank you to NetGalley and Harlequin-Carina Adores for the ARC – This is my honest review.

 5 Stars

The Hate Project by Kris Ripper is available in eBook, trade paperback and audiobook formats on April 27th!

  BOOK DESCRIPTION

This arrangement is either exactly what they need--or a total disaster

 Oscar is a grouch.

 That’s a well-established fact among his tight-knit friend group, and they love him anyway.

 Jack is an ass.

 Jack, who’s always ready with a sly insult, who can’t have a conversation without arguing, and who Oscar may or may not have hooked up with on a strict no-commitment, one-time-only basis. Even if it was extremely hot.

 Together, they’re a bickering, combative mess.

 When Oscar is fired (answering phones is not for the anxiety-ridden), he somehow ends up working for Jack. Maybe while cleaning out Jack’s grandmother’s house they can stop fighting long enough to turn a one-night stand into a frenemies-with-benefits situation.

 The house is an archaeological dig of love and dysfunction, and while Oscar thought he was prepared, he wasn’t. It’s impossible to delve so deeply into someone’s past without coming to understand them at least a little, but Oscar has boundaries for a reason—even if sometimes Jack makes him want to break them all down.

 After all, hating Jack is less of a risk than loving him…

 The Love Study

Book 1: The Love Study (available now!)

Book 2: The Hate Project (available April 27)

Book 3: The Life Revamp (coming November 30)

  Add The Hate Project to your Goodreads!

   EXCERPT

I’d never had friends until college. And even then, I wouldn’t have had friends except that Ronnie and I were freshman year roommates (before she transitioned, obviously), and she was friends with Dec and Mase and Mia, and they came around a lot and just sort of looped me in. It happened slowly over that first year and suddenly I had…friends.

What’s that thing with snake poison, where you take it in small doses every day to grow your immunity to it? That’s what happened with the Motherfuckers. Eventually I built up a tolerance to their, like, happiness and friendliness and optimism. Now my brain just recognizes them as a part of me. The same thing probably happened to them: eventually they built up a tolerance to my moods and freak-outs.

The most important thing you need to know about my friends is that they’re all way better people than I am. You can tell because they threw me a pity party. There’s the aforementioned Declan and Sidney, who got together during the commission of a video series called The Love Study on Sidney’s YouTube channel. Then there’s Mia and Ronnie, disgustingly married to each other. And the last of the official Motherfuckers is Mason, who once tried to get married (to Dec) and was left at the altar (by Dec). Which was awkward for a while, but now it’s fine. Though of all of us Mase is the one who wants a white picket fence and 2.5 kids.

Sounds fucking awful to me, but to each his own, I don’t judge, whatever floats your life raft, et cetera.

Since I didn’t want to get my impotent rage-slash-panic germs on anyone, I took up a seat in the corner and didn’t leave it except to use the bathroom and acquire victuals. By which I mean vegan, gluten-free, cauliflower-based pizza that turned out to be delicious. It used to be that my friends had an informal rotation for who’d sit with me, trading off for the duration of the social event, but that was before Jack. Jack was new to the group. Dec had collected him from work, and for reasons I didn’t understand (I would have suspected sexual favors if I didn’t know better), he kept mostly showing up to drinks with the Motherfuckers. And was now also on the invite list for ad hoc gatherings to celebrate catastrophic job loss.

Jack and I had no other setting with each other than arguing. Since neither of us was all that nice (and everyone else in the Motherfuckers was very nice), it worked out. He thinks he knows everything, I definitely know everything, and even though for the most part we would arrive at the same point from different angles, we spent most of our fights poking at each other’s angles to prove they were incorrect.

I probably shouldn’t have been surprised when it turned out bickering was actually foreplay.

Since the party was in my honor I was obligated to stay through dinner, and I did. In my corner. Weathering the well-intended reassurances of my friends was hard enough, but when Dec brought out one of those quirky adult card games where kittens exploded I had to get the hell out of there. Too much goodness on a bad day.

Jack apparently had a similar thought. It wasn’t the first time we’d made our escape at the same moment. This time, instead of parting ways on the sidewalk with a lukewarm we know each other through friends wave, both of us stopped.

He stopped a second before I did, which I immediately decided made him more desperate. It wasn’t charitable, but I believe in keeping track of who has the advantage in any encounter. Even a one-off.

“I live ten minutes away,” he said.

“Good for you.”

His lips twisted a little, from not-smile to not-impressed. “This is a pity fuck, Oscar. Take it or leave it.” With that he turned and made for a black two-door something-something on the other side of the street.

I hesitated. For about five seconds. But following up a pity party with a pity fuck sounded about right. “Just to clarify,” I called as I caught up with him, “I don’t do relationships.”

He hit a button that unlocked his car. “Just to clarify, I’m not offering one.”

Carina Adores is home to highly romantic contemporary love stories featuring beloved romance tropes, where LGBTQ+ characters find their happily-ever-afters.

 A new Carina Adores title is available each month in trade paperback, ebook and audiobook formats.

●      The Hideaway Inn by Philip William Stover (available now!)

●      The Girl Next Door by Chelsea M. Cameron (available now!)

●      Just Like That by Cole McCade (available now!)

●      Hairpin Curves by Elia Winters (available now!)

●      The Love Study by Kris Ripper (available now!)

●      The Secret Ingredient by KD Fisher (available now!)

●      Just Like This by Cole McCade (available now!)

●      Teddy Spenser Isn’t Looking for Love by Kim Fielding (available now!)

●      Best Laid Plans by Roan Parrish (available now!)

●      Hard Sell by Hudson Lin (coming May 25)

●      For the Love of April French by Penny Aimes (coming August 31)

●      Sailor Proof by Annabeth Albert (coming September 28)

●      Meet Me in Madrid by Verity Lowell (coming October 26)

●      The Life Revamp by Kris Ripper (coming November 30)

  Buy The Hate Project by Kris Ripper Links

Harlequin.com: https://www.harlequin.com/shop/books/9781335509178_the-hate-project.html

IndieBound: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781335509178

Walmart: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Love-Study-The-Hate-Project-2-Reissue-Edition-Paperback-9781335509178/964923621

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Project-Love-Study-Book-ebook/dp/B08FBCCK63

Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-hate-project-kris-ripper/1138917233

Apple Books: https://books.apple.com/us/book/the-hate-project/id1526452840

Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Kris_Ripper_The_Hate_Project?id=qpv1DwAAQBAJ

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/the-hate-project

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kris Ripper lives in the great state of California and zir pronouns are ze/zir. Kris shares a converted garage with a kid, can do two pull-ups in a row, and can write backwards. (No, really.) Ze has been writing fiction since ze learned how to write, and boring zir stuffed animals with stories long before that.

 Connect with the Author

Website: https://krisripper.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/405062456366636/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Kris_Ripper

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/krisripper/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8053438.Kris_Ripper

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Kris-Ripper

[purplesurveys]

1041

survey by chasingghosts

What is the age gap between you and your parents? 27 for both. Technically, 26 years with my mom since she had yet to celebrate her birthday when she had me, but she was going to turn 27 all the same. Guh. I can’t believe I’m just five years away from that and I’m still nowhere near building my own family.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Is this enough? Two. I’d say it’s enough. Two people in the family rarely have to go to the bathroom at the same time so it works out for us.

Have you sent a letter to anyone in the past year? Yeah. I used to give Gabie a handwritten letter every Christmas along with her gifts. I still plan on writing her one, but obviously the content will be vastly different now.

Have you ever video chatted with someone you met online? I did this with Carley a handful of times; we’d video chat when I came home from school which was around the time she would get ready for school. She was such an extrovert who was so lovely and bubbly around me, and I’ve always felt bad that she had to contend with my shy ass with my mic always muted lol.

Are you hungry or thirsty right now? I’m neither but I can go for a light meal right now, which is great because I got myself a chicken barbecue sandwich and a caramel macchiato from Starbucks as a treat for myself tonight :) I went through five video call meetings just for today alone, went through several breakdowns while at work, and am also on my period, so I thought I deserved a break.

When was the last time you ate something, and what did you eat? Literally just had a bite from my sandwich.

Have you ever seen the film Boondock Saints? Nope. Sounds nothing like my type of film.

Do you own a pair of gumboots? Nah. I don’t like walking in floods anyway, so I don’t plan on getting a pair.

What colour is your favourite mug? Copper.

How far away from your town/city is your state's capital city? I already live in my province’s capital.

Have you ever worked somewhere where you had to clean the toilets? I haven’t.

Do you know anyone named Doug? No, not really a common name here.

What cut of jeans is your favourite and why? Do mom jeans count as a cut? I’ve been all over those throughout 2020. They’re stylish and yet so comfy, which are two words that seldom go together.

Do you rate people's attractiveness on a scale of 1-10? Uhhhhhhhh unless a friend asked me to rate someone they know, I don’t really think in these terms.

Name a few of your favourite actors. Kate freaking Winslet. Also Kristen Stewart, Emma Stone, Audrey Hepburn, Brie Larson, Florence Pugh, and Eddie Redmayne. I’d name Timothée Chalamet but I have yet to see a work of his.

Do you collect anything, or have you ever? The first item I ever collected was notebooks. In my past relationship (is it obvious I’m not over it yet and probably never will be? Ha) I initially liked to collect receipts from places we went to and ate at. I’d also like to be able to grow a collection of wrestling memorabilia, particularly action figures and belts. It’s not really a life goal of mine but it’d still be a cool thing to achieve.

So, how has your week been so far? I mean it’s only Monday, so nothing much. I cried and broke down a lot today which wasn’t a good start, but tomorrow’s a holiday so no work; and for Thursday I was invited to the Christmas party of the department I initially interned at and apparently they’ll be sending over a Christmas kit over to my place so I’m looking forward to these! It’s super touching they remembered and still invited me even though I’m not a part of the team anymore, so I wouldn’t have missed the party for the world.

Is there anything that you could cry about right now? Definitely, and being on my period at the moment makes it so much easier to cry. But I already cried too much and too hard earlier today and it felt exhausting, so I’m trying to avoid it tonight.

How old were you when you learned how to tie your shoelaces? I was five. I probably would’ve made myself learn later but one of our ‘exams’ in kindergarten was to show that you know how to tie your shoelaces, so I had to ask my grandma to give me a crash course.

Have you ever slept in a car overnight? Why did you have to? Yeah. I had to pull several all-nighters in college and work at 24/7 coffee shops, but I usually gave up by around 2-3 AM and would sleep in the car by then.

When was the last time you used Facebook? Earlier this evening, but I couldn’t scroll too much because spoilers for Start Up are everyyyyyyfuckingwhere and I’m still several episodes away from the finale, which aired last night.

Do you have a PO Box or does your mail get sent straight to your house? Our mails and parcels get sent straight to our door.

Are you interested in entomology? Do you know what that is? Never been. I think it’s great that insects have a lot of capabilities and contributions that we often take for granted; but I personally find a great deal of them icky as well lol so I wouldn’t say I’m interested in this branch.

Have you ever had to claim insurance? What for? Hmm I don’t think so. Not my own nor my parents’. Do you like to listen to albums start-finish without skipping or shuffling? I’ll do this sometimes with my favorite albums, yes. Fuck knows how many times I listened to After Laughter from start to finish with no skips; it was my favorite for a while.

Do you have any unspoken enemies, or maybe frenemies? I’m not the biggest fan of Patrice, but it’s not something I broadcast to people because why would I? I’m sure she slightly does not like me too, so we’re even.

What was the last thing you broke? That would be my last phone charger cord. I’ve since had it replaced though.

Do you have a favourite state/province/territory in your country? Not necessarily an overall favorite but I do have a favorite place I’ve traveled to, which is Sagada. I need a second vacation to see if it still lives up to my expectations and if it would still be able to give me an experience as cathartic and therapeutic as my first trip there, but for the last five years it has sat on the throne.

How many vowels are in your street name? Is this question too mundane? Three. I mean I’ve never been asked this on a survey before, so I wouldn’t call it that.

What are your three top favourite flavours of ice cream? Cookies and cream, chocolate chip cookie dough, coffee.

How far away is the nearest Target? At least a couple thousand miles away.

Do you prefer Target, Kmart or Walmart? Idk and idc.

Have you ever farted in class or somewhere else you shouldn't have? No. I suppress my farts, even when I’m alone haha it’s just my least favorite bodily function.

What's your middle name? Would you change it? I’m not giving it away. I wouldn’t change it and I’m definitely not giving it up even if I get married. I’m keeping my middle name then just hyphenate my surname so that I get to keep all three names.

When was the last tie you wore heels? What was the occasion? September. Job interview for a position I didn’t really want but still chose to undergo because it was still an interview.

Do you find yourself lost for words often? I guess yeah, depression does tend to do that to me.

Did you share baths with your siblings/cousins when you were a child? Yep, I remember sharing the shower with my sister as late as when I was 10. Then puberty happened to me and I did not want to continue the practice anymore, haha.

Have you ever been a member of an online dating site? How did it go? I joined Tinder while I was in a relationship (she made an account as well at the time so it was fair game) literally just to people-watch. I wasn’t interested in cheating; I was just genuinely curious to see how the app worked. I put on a fake name, age, location and my profile photo was of a cat I saw in school so it was impossible to tell it was me.

Do you know what your neighbours even look like? I would not be able to recognize them if you lined them up with a bunch of other strangers, to tell you the truth. I’d probably be able to recognize the carpenters working on the house currently being constructed in front of ours though; they’re super nice and they’re crazy over Cooper haha.

How many siblings does your best friend have? Angela is an only child.

Do you put ketchup on your fries? No. Ketchup does not go anywhere near my fries.

Have you been lucky enough to make out with anyone in the past week? LOL lucky enough...but no, I haven’t done that in a while.

Have your parents ever worked in the agriculture business etc. on a farm? Neither have.

Do you have an ex that makes you angry with literally everything they do? No.

Are you easily susceptible to brain freeze? No but tooth sensitivity, yes. I have a certain tooth that acts up whenever I eat ice cream, and it can get soooo inconvenient and uncomfortable for a few seconds.

[wisdom-positivity-teachings]

Here's some real spirit food you need, we are changing what it means to be Christian, because I want you empowered.

For long time the church has taught that you are spiritually empowered by the cross; this is partially true. What does accurately hitting the mark of authority look like? It is 💯 percent success in all you do..

So what's wrong with the churches common teaching? Relationship!! Yes, if God said it's true, so then why do we see so many sick and dying Christian's who fail often and carry much fear and stress with anxiousness? Certainly all those things are contrary to the perfect promises of God.. so then it's clear that the common message has failed man..

Jesus says it in Luke " only one thing is needed and Mary has chosen it".. beloved, she heard his word, she sat still and she listened.

Hearing a promise of god and having a promise are different. Hearing means you heard someone say it.. having comes by relationship, having needs faith, faith comes by hearing. So even hearing it once is not enough but knowing the promise and also combining that with a heart that refuses to be distracted from eating the word daily, this gives you the promise.

I have often found that in this prescribed state that God gives the promise and I realize it later; other times however I find that something in the world is working against the promise, it is at these times, that no matter where I am and no matter who can hear, I will boldly and loudly say, " you devil's better get back in your cage".. crowded Walmart it's fun to shout that, everything lines up immediatley.

So , check yourself, 1. Did god promise this. 2. Is my heart firmly fixed in relationship with God. 3 have I grown yet to the level of faith I need to call this in.. if all this checks out, then claim authority.

It's you and god in the world.. fuck what others think.. a sapling can only dream about bearing fruit, but a full grown tree abounds in fruit.

If your only a sapling, persevere in the relationship or you will never bear fruit. " Abide in me and I in you".. " unless you abide in me , you can bear no fruit" (that's the living word speaking)

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[nastybuckybarnes]

Wicked Games  -  Four

Pairing: Bucky x Reader Soulmate AU

Summary: Everyone in the world has a soulmate. And until they meet that soulmate, everyone in the world stops aging at 25. Wrongfully accused of a horrendous crime and on the run, you happen to bump into the man who’s been avoiding you for the past seventy-five years.

Warnings: Language, Fluff? Rape and Abuse mentions

Word Count: 2.1K

A/n: I’m really tired rn and idk how good this chapter is. I just wanna write the spicy stuff lmao

MASTERLIST 1  2   3 Series Masterlist

~*~

“Eat.” You startle awake as a bowl of mush is tossed into your lap.

“Why?” You ask, not understanding why this cop hasn’t turned you in yet.

“Because if you don’t you’ll die,” he says matter-of-factly. You roll your eyes and struggle into a seated position in the bathtub. “It’ll kinda be hard to eat with my hands stuck behind my fucking back,” you snap, not bothering to try and stay on his good side.

“Jesus Christ,” he murmurs, leaning down and carefully uncuffing one of your wrists only to cuff it again in front of you. “Now eat. Then we talk.” You roll your eyes but scoop some of the mush up on your fingers and carefully bring it to your mouth, tasting it with the tip of your tongue then shovelling it into your mouth.

Bucky watches you with a disgusted look on his face as you scarf down the food.

“Why did you kill Rumlow?” He asks after a minute of you eating. You look up at him then back down to the bowl of food. “You’re not legally allowed to question me until I have a lawyer present,” you inform. He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his thick chest. “I’m not in uniform. I’m asking you as the man who saved your life. Maybe the only man interested in actual justice and not revenge. If you’d tell me why you killed him this would all be so much easier.” You chew slowly then shake your head.

“I’ve learned not to trust cops,” is how you reply. It’s more than enough to clue Bucky in.

“C’mon. Get up. You’re gonna take a shower and get changed and then you’re gonna give me the reasons as to why you’ve been on the run this whole time. If you listen and you’re good, I’ll be able to help you. Got it?” You nod slowly, allowing him to carefully pull you to your feet.

“I’m gonna let you out of your cuffs and lock the door. Just know that I’ll be waiting outside with my taser and pepper spray, should you get any ideas about escaping. You’re stuck here with me. Towels are in the cabinet and there’s body wash in the shower somewhere. I do advise cleaning all this blood up first though.” he nods to the sticky substance coating the floor and walls of the bathtub. You nod and let him help you out of the tub.

“You have twenty minutes. There are no windows in here and only one door that I can lock from the outside. You have no way of getting out so don’t even try.” You slump your shoulders but nod again, rubbing your raw wrists after h takes the cuffs off.

“Twenty minutes start now.”

He leaves the bathroom and locks the door. After standing there for three minutes, you turn the water on as hot as it goes and let it wash away the blood dirtying the tub. Once the tub is clean you strip off your clothes and grab a facecloth from the closet. It takes a moment to find your courage, but you’re glad you do because the hot water feels absolutely incredible on your aching skin.

The pressure is perfect and cleans the mud, blood, and grime of the past few days right off of your skin.

You enjoy the warmth for a moment then get down to business; ignoring the pain in your wrists as you begin washing your body with the mahogany body wash.

You feel clean and refreshed, your hair finger-combed and washed with an expensive looking shampoo that smells like lilac.

Once you're finished you step out of the shower and wrap yourself in a fluffy white towel, looking around the room and pondering what to do next. You know you can’t escape, so there’s no point in trying.

Something inside of you is telling you to trust this cop. That he’s not like the others and he'll actually help you. He won’t be like Rumlow.

The still-prominent bruises and cuts all over your body remind you of just how awful Brock was, and you shudder.

“Are you decent?” He asks through the door, snapping you out of your haze. “I... you didn’t give me any clean clothes,” you say softly, afraid that he’ll take advantage of your vulnerable state.

“I know.” The door opens and you scream as he walks in, terrified and cowering in the corner. “Please don't! I-I’ll do anything! Please don't!” He freezes in his tracks, curses twice, then tosses a bundle of something at your feet and dashes out of the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.

You wait for a moment, tears streaming down your cheeks as your heart races, then end down and inspect the pile of stuff. He’s given you a t-shirt, a pair of boxers with the tags still on, and a pair of sweatpants that look three sizes too fucking gigantic.

Nevertheless, you put the clothes on then sit on the floor across from the toilet, your eyes focused on the door as you hear the lock click.

“(Y/n)... I... fuck. I won’t touch you, okay? Not... not like that. I won’t take advantage of you or anything. I promise. Okay?” You wipe your cheeks and watch as the door slowly opens. Bucky looks at you, all curled up in a ball on the floor, and his heart breaks.

“He touched you, didn’t he?” You don’t look up at him, nodding your head yes.

“(Y/n) I’m going to be very blunt with you now, you have to answer me truthfully because this will change the entire case. Did Brock Rumlow sexually assault you?” You nod once more, biting back a sob.

“Fucking Hell...” He trails off and scratches the nape of his neck. “I always knew he was a bad guy, but I never thought...” he looks at you then takes a deep breath. “Do you have any cuts or bruises from him?” You glare up at him and shake your head, not liking where this is going.

“I’ll stay right here. I just... I need to see them. It will make everything a lot easier for you.” You take a deep breath and carefully pull the shirt off, feeling embarrassed at being shirtless in front of this stranger. But some strange part of you is telling you that this is fine.

He sucks in a sharp breath when he sees your torso.

Your ribs are darkened, stained with bruises from either cracks or full breaks to the bones. You have multiple deep cuts that look like they’ve been stitched together by a three-year-old, and other fading bruises that cover the rest of your body. Around your neck are still very prominent bruises in the shape of fingers, indicating that you’ve been choked, and he can see similar bruises on your hips.

“C-can I put it back on now?” You ask, your voice wavering. He nods and looks away as you pull the shirt back on.

“Jesus. Come out here. I’m gonna make you some tea and you’re gonna start talking, understand?” You nod your head yes and follow him out of the bathroom, fighting tears the whole way as you realize you’ll have to relive everything that awful man did to you.

~

Bucky’s quiet as he boils the kettle, mulling over everything he’s just found out.

You most likely killed Rumlow in self-defence, called the cops to tell them that, then hung up because you remembered that they probably won’t take your side over their dead buddy’s anyway.

He slides a steaming mug over to you and you stir in a spoonful of honey. “Thank you, officer.” He shakes his head at you. “James. My name is James.” You nod and keep your eyes down. “So he hurt you, huh?” You don’t answer, taking a sip of the hot beverage and trying to block out the painful memories.

“Well... this changes things. I’m almost thinking we should hand this case over to a different police department because ours is too personally attached to the case. But Pierce would never accept that. Fuck, this is a mess, isn’t it?” You nod, not looking up from the speckled grey countertop.

“Hey, I’m not gonna hurt you. Relax. You’re safe here with me, I promise. Hell, this is the safest you’ll probably ever be. Nobody will hurt you here.” You nod skeptically and take another sip of tea, letting the liquid burn your tongue and throat on the way down.

“What’s gonna happen to me?” You can’t stop the words from slipping out, but he doesn’t seem to hate the question. “You’ll stay here for a little while. Get better while I see who at the station is open minded. Then... I don’t know.” You nod, biting your bottom lip.

“Do you know why he did that stuff to you?” He asks softly, wanting to figure out why on earth Rumlow would want to harm someone who looks so delicate and fragile. You look up into his eyes for a split second, displaying that you have information that he needs and wants, then look back down to your tea.

“I don’t expect you to tell me everything right away, but you will need to come clean and confess at some point. Okay?” you nod, understanding that much. “Good. Now I-” knocking on the door cuts him off and you snap your head up. “Buck? It’s me, Steve. Open up.” Your heart drops as you recognize the voice of one of the cops who chased you through Walmart.

“Go up the stairs into the first room on the right. It’s a guest bedroom that nobody ever goes in. Hurry!” You discard your tea and run as fast and as quietly as you can up the stairs and into the room, closing the door halfway and sitting on the floor, one hand covering your mouth as you try to slow your heart rate.

“Hey Steve,” James’ muffled voice says from downstairs.

“Thought I’d see how you were doing. You were pretty heated at work the other day and pretty distracted yesterday. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.” That’s the second man, Steve.

“I’m... tired. Confused. Frustrated. I just want this case to solve itself. I mean, it doesn’t make sense for her to just kill him, there must’ve been a reason. And there was clearly a fight between the two fo them. What if she was the victim but got the upper hand somehow? What if he's been abusing her this whole time and she finally had enough?”

Steve whistles, “you’ve been thinking about this a lot, haven't you?” You hear James sigh. “Yeah. I’ve had to. I don’t want to send an innocent person to jail, Steve. There’s just so much we’re missing from the story and I want to have it all figured out already.” You hear them moving around below you.

“I’m sure we will, Bucky. But it’s gonna take time and patience. But we'll figure this out. I promise.”

You hear someone sigh again. “I just... what if she’s hurt? What if Rumlow... what if it’s him who’s the bad guy in all of this and she’s just.... innocent?” You hold your breath as you wait for Steve’s response.

“Then we’d better find her and help her.”

~

The door gets slowly pushed open and you watch as James walks in. He sits down across from you on the floor and stares at you.

“Steve’s gonna be seeing who at the station is open-minded, and from there we’ll decide what to do. If things are really rough, we might send you to a different. police station to confess. But until then you’re gonna be staying here with me. I’m the only one who knows you’re here and I’d like to keep it that way.”

You stare at him as he stands up and offers you his hand, hesitating for a moment before putting your hand in his and letting him pull you to your feet.

The feeling of his skin against yours sends a spark of electricity racing down your spine, a shiver of pleasure following right after it.

His eyes widen for the briefest of moments and you swear you see genuine fear in them, your own eyes widening as warmth spreads from where your hands are touching.

He drops your hand quickly then motions for you to follow him out of the room, leading you back downstairs to the kitchen to grab a snack and finish your tea.

~

TAGS: PERMANENT TAGS:

@smolbeanbucky @wildefire @inumorph @impalatobakerstreet @nanna022 @mummy-woves-you @m-a-t-91 @wtfholland @bookgirlunicorn @beautifulwisdom2001 @deep-sea-glitter @mrhiddles-81 @iamwarrenspeace @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs @swoonhui

MARVEL:

@fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus @april-14-blog @potteritis

Wicked Games:

@lilypalmer1987 @bisexualfangirlsblog @i-am-always-famished @clarysthing @starkxpotts @e-wolf-98 @i-run-on-green-tea @nerd-without-a-cause @jamesbuckybarnes13 @theonelittleone @bradfordsgreekgod @littledeadrottinghood @ashlebetty @izhetbean @mu-mu-rs @bruisedfaye @bisoueffleurer @itsphinee @spnsquirrel @my-suga-kookies

Bucky:

@chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Of Dust and Ashes (chapter 8)

Good Morning and happy friday. Should I stop saying happy friday since it’s Dust day and well... yeah? ANYWHO, Y’all have waited for our lovely OC and Clint to meet and the time is upon us! Actually- it’s not, that’s next week. But GO YOU for waiting TWO MONTHS for the main characters in a romance fic to even meet.

Chapter warnings (because there are always chapter warnings with this fic, except that one time there wasn’t):  general undercurrent of mental and emotional pain. Surprise assault, sexual assault, implied plans of future rape and sexual assault (what will happen? Who knows!), Dog bites, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of hopeful thoughts, mentions of religion.

Chapter 8: When it all goes sideways

Day 39 Post Decimation

~~~~~<3

Clint was up early, dragging himself out of the too hard guest bed before the sun had done more than just lighten the sky. With the reality of his situation weighing on him, he filled a bottle with water and pulled himself behind the wheel of the truck he kept but rarely drove. He needed supplies to survive until he had some sort of plan as to how he was going to move forward.

He also needed coffee but if he stayed in that house a moment longer, he would go mad. He needed a break from it all, for a few hours. It was too much to be surrounded by the things he had shared with this family for too long.

Leaving the farm would be dangerous until people settled into the new way things worked or until the government took control back from the people. With all the political unrest he had seen in his life, it looked very much like what he had seen in the time since he had left New York. It likely would be rebellion on a large scale all over the country- hell all over the world and he didn’t expect that it would come to an end any time soon.

Slowly, he made his way toward Kansas City. He took his time, stopping at every town along the way to gather what supplies he could while checking the political and social environment in the areas surrounding him. He had wasted too much time already and now he had to play a game of catch up.

It was vital to know the situation in the communities surrounding where his home was. That was the only way he could hope to get an advantage in protecting what little still mattered. Mostly, it was empty buildings and empty land that he found. As he moved about in small towns he would catch sight of people looking from windows carefully, watching him. In these towns he would only take a little, if there was anything left to take at all.

He hoped for better pickings to be found within the City where many wouldn’t know what they should have taken for survival. The ignorance of city dwellers could always be counted on. Still, it had been a month and he knew better than to hope for too much.

~~~~~<3

~~~~~<3

Deanna carefully moved into the city. The summer heat was beating down on her from what felt like everywhere. Heat radiated up off the asphalt and off the cars. Still, she felt safer weaving her way between cars rather than walking in the open where she would be uncovered. The cars offered her some cover as she made her way into the city, giving her a place to crouch and peek ahead. It was a long walk but until she was closer she didn’t want to risk picking up a car only to have to ditch it at a roadblock.

It was close to noon when she had finally felt safe enough to grab a car from one of the seemingly abandoned dealerships. They had become one of her favorite places to pick up cars. Normally they got good millage, their tanks had plenty of fuel and were often free of both dust inside and decomposing bodies.

She hated driving around, it could draw too much attention but cities were far too big to travel on foot while gathering supplies. It was simply a necessity regardless of if she wanted to drive or not. Grand theft auto was becoming routine for her. She hardly gave it any thought anymore. A rock through the window, find the keys, break into the locked case- typically with the use of heavy things or tools from the shop- and find the car it matched and off she went.

With wheels, she set about finding store. While she drove, she allowed the radio to search for any signals. All it found was static however and she quickly turned it off, preferring the silence and Trust’s panting over the sound of static as she drove. It occurred to her that there was no reason not to grab some CDs. The RV had a CD player as did most cars. Why should she live in silence?

The always familiar big blue sign of a Walmart caught her eye and she wasted no time pulling the truck into the parking lot and backing close to the doors. The glass was shattered on the ground, blown around by the wind and shards covered in a layer of dirt or dust, perhaps both. As she always did, Deanna told Trust to be mindful of his paws as if he would understand her. So far they had been lucky and he hadn’t cut himself on broken glass and that was good enough for her.

As she moved into the store, she clicked the flashlight on her phone on. Grabbing a cart, she set her backpack inside and looked at the mess inside the store. The produce section was nearly empty but what had not been picked clean was molding. As she walked, she found the frozen sections were in a similar state. The general smell within the store was fairly bad.

She was able to find cans of broth and piled them into the cart. Water was cleaned out but she had expected as much. In a pinch she could always just drink straight broth though she couldn’t see it coming to that any time soon. With the salt in the broths, they couldn’t replace fresh water but it was something she could cook in rather than using water.

Surely the government would be back before things got to that point, wouldn’t it? In the very back of some shelves she was able to find some cans of vegetables and fruit. She was surprised to find any at all but it seemed some people didn’t think to crouch down and look in the very back.

It had become surprising, the things she could find in cities that people didn’t think to take. Cleaning supplies, hygienic items and such were often still sitting on shelves. All sorts of goodies could be found in the backs of shelves, left behind by people who didn’t think to kneel down and look in the back.

Two large bags of rice, a heavy bag of flower and just as heavy bag of sugar was added tot he cart. More yeast could be valuable for trading- it had already earned her fresh produce once, it was worth taking what she could to see if she could make that happen again. Peanut butter, jelly and cans of soup were all hiding in the backs of the shelves. A handful of cans of tuna and a good ten cans of chicken was sitting ignored on the shelf. It wasn’t exactly the plethora of food she wished for but it was something.

Dog food was still sitting on the shelves and Deanna could only assume whoever was still in the city hadn’t become desperate enough to resort to eating it. That was all the better for her, she grabbed the largest bags she could and slipped them under the cart. Right in the middle of the store, she grabbed a can of wet food and popped it open. She dumped the food in a bowl from the display and Trust was thankful for another meal, having eaten the can she had brought shortly before they made it to the car dealership.

In the kitchen section she grabbed up some heavy cast iron pans and a dutch oven. Some baking dishes went in next, small cookie pans and a six cup muffin tin found their way into the cart because- why not?

In the book section, she found a few cook books and tossed them in the cart as well as a few paper back books that looked interesting enough. There wasn’t a reason not to, really. While living now was hard work, she had down time with her current set up. She’d always said that she wanted to start reading more, what better time?

A sky blue bedding set was tossed onto of the full cart as her circle through the store neared an end. She stood in front of the fishing gear before she would make a right turn and walk down the back of the store. The flashlight lit up fishing rods and cases full of things she didn’t really understand or know how to use.

She grabbed a rod that looked as good as any of the others and handfuls of whatever looked useful. In a case was jars of what claimed to be salmon eggs and she tossed jar after jar inside. She may not know how to fish but she may as well try and learn. On her way out, she grabbed laundry detergent and more dish soap and that was it.

~~~~~<3

~~~~~<3

Clint was perched on a stairway outside a fourth floor apartment overlooking a Walmart in Kansas City. He planned on crashing here for the night and taking his time working his way back to the farmhouse the following day. Whoever had lived in this apartment had been paranoid and for that, he was thankful. It was a jackpot complete with instant coffee- not his favorite but better than nothing.

The door had shown signs of someone trying to break it down but the heavy locks did their jobs. Whoever failed to get inside clearly were not skilled in picking a lock, unlike him. The locks did little to keep him out. Inside he found cabinets full of canned food. With the door locked behind him, a can of peaches in his hand and his bow and quiver at his side, he watched.

The city wasn’t abandoned, that much was clear to him though the remaining people went to great pains to make it look like it. Even before the truck pulled into the Walmart parking lot, there was people moving in the distance, staying in the shadows.

Just because they didn’t want to be seen didn’t mean he didn’t see them. Women would be ushered through dark doorways without so much as a peep. Clint wondered if those women were free to leave, if they wished.

Below, a woman with a dog was busying herself with loading a cart full of some of the oddest things into the truck bed. The dog food made sense to him, as did the large bags of flour, sugar and rice. What didn’t make as much sense to Clint was the bedding. She didn’t see the men as they moved into the parking lot swiftly, baseball bats in their hands. It was clear that they meant her harm. Clint wasn’t one to sit back and watch when she had no chance against the twelve or so men stalking her.

~~~~~<3

~~~~~<3

Deanna nearly jumped out of her skin when Trust barked, hackles raised and a deep growl spilling out between bared teeth. They hadn’t been together for long, all things considered however she trusted the dog with every ounce of her being. Still, there wasn’t a lot she could do other than be on guard and pray that it was just another dog that upset Trust.

With gun in hand, she slowly pushed the cart outside. There wasn’t much she could do to peek outside. For better or worse, she had no option but to inch outside with every muscle in her body tensed. It looked clear enough and she set about loading the truck after hushing Trust. The faster she got the truck loaded and out of there, the better.

Trust dashed around the front of the truck, hackles raised and looking wholly ready to defend her life. Deanna didn’t have time to think much of it as she wrestled things into the back. A large fluffy cloud crossed over the sun as the breeze picked up, sending dust into the air around her feet. It felt like a warning in that moment, even if she couldn’t even begin to know how sideways things were about to go.

She didn’t hear him come up behind her. Maybe she would have, if not for the snarling barks of the dog and her blood rushing in her ears. Maybe not. In the end, it didn’t really matter, did it? You only get one shot at things like this and so all she could ever do is guess.

Rough hands grabbed at her waist and pulled her back from the truck. A dirty face and greasy hair sneered down at her. For a short moment her mind went blank. When she jerked the gun up, his hand caught her wrist in a bruising grip. Fingers dug in to the soft flesh of her wrist, tips digging between the bones. Though she tried not to, she cried out when her fingers went numb and the gun slipped to the ground.

In that way that one notices unimportant details when adrenaline floods the body, Deanna noticed the dirt caked around the man’s nails. His whole hand was covered in dirt, as if he hadn’t even seen water in the last month. If she splashed his hands with her bottle, she was sure that the water would run off his fingertips nearly black. She felt dumb for noticing such things, now wasn’t the time to gauge his hygienic practices but she couldn’t help it. The mind was a strange thing, like that.

“Let go of me!” No matter how she yanked, his grip was unrelenting.

“Not happening.”

She struggled and kicked at him but it seemed to take no effort for him to get both her hands pinned in one of his. The weight of him pinned her against the truck as his free hand grabbed at her, pulling at her clothes and hair. Her mind was a blur of half formed thoughts and ideas as she tried to fight him off of her.

With a twist, she almost got free but just as his hands slipped off her arm, they locked around her waist. With a grunt of effort, he hauled her back and threw her against the truck. Air left her lungs in a rush and she struggled to breath. It was pure luck when her heel made contact with the man’s crotch.

Behind her, anther man screamed, his voice blending with the shouts of the man who had been attacking her as he fell to the ground, clutching himself. She couldn’t see it but Trust had his jaws locked on the wrist of another man. The man with the greasy hair pulled himself up against the truck just as Deanna had slipped away.

She was so close, so very close to getting away. Her fingers curled around the handle to the driver’s door when she was yanked back with enough force to rip her shirt. A scream ripped from her throat but she didn’t hear it.

The man, this one blonde yanked her back. In the struggle, she twisted her ankle and white hot pain rushed through her only to be quickly forgotten as she tried to get away with hobbled steps. She didn’t have long however before she was thrown up against the side of the truck once more.

The screams of the man Trust still had locked in his jaws echoed and chilled her to her core even as pleading words pooled out of her mouth. She tried to convince the blonde haired man to let her go, using anything that came to mind as leverage. Perhaps she had gone so far as to even offer up her home on wheels. Later, she wouldn’t be able to recall the things she said and in the end, it didn’t matter. The man could not be bought or bargained with.

What she would be able to recall was the way his hands grabbed at her, pulled at her clothes. There were vile promises falling from his spit covered lips and while she couldn’t recall the words, the memory of their promise would chill her to the bone. As he grabbed at her breasts, he told her of the things his band of thugs did to the women in their care. The way they were slaves to what the men desired. He promised that she’d be cooking their meals, cleaning their messes and seeing to their every need. As if he had left any doubt, he ground his hips into her.

Though she struggled with a renewed energy, she couldn’t get away. His fist bunched in her hair and the pain of it combined with the helplessness and frustration to bring tears to her eyes.

“Just kill me.” The words slipped from her lips as a whimper. In a passing way she had no time to give thought to, she realized that was what she had really wanted. She was a coward, yes and would not seek it out but now- she could beg for death without regret.

“Not until we’re done with you.” He yanked her forward. “Don’t think we’ll go easy on you just because you’re pretty.”

She didn’t think it was possible to want to live in this world, yet she did. It was strange, how the mind could jump from wanting death to wanting to live in the span of a few heartbeats but she did. Perhaps it wasn’t so much that she wanted to live but rather that she didn’t want to suffer for who knows how long while waiting for blessed death.

If she could just get away, she promised herself she would make for herself the best life she could in the new system. Not a single day would be taken for granted. Every sunrise and sunset would be admired with all her heart. If she could just get away, she swore she would never wish for death again. If she could just get away.

She had thought she had wanted to die, not even a few weeks ago and had gone so far as to think about just ending things. She was far too cowardly to act on such thoughts.

If she could just somehow get out of this situation, she would live her life. She would live her life the best she could to make up for the lives her children wouldn’t get to live. She would pick flowers. She would sing songs. She would make a home for herself. If only she could get away.

The man’s callused hands slipped under her shirt for a better grip on her and tears dripped from her chin. Words still fell from her lips, pleads for mercy. She promised them anything, everything she had owned- she would give them. All of her water, all of her food, everything. All she wanted was the be allowed to leave, allowed to live without suffering at their hands.

It wasn’t enough for them. They wanted her.

It had been a long time since she had been faithful. With the emergence of the Norse gods within the realm of reality, it was hard to know what gods were real, which where true gods and if any actually answered prayers. For all anyone could know, they were all aliens. She, like many had lost any real faith. Still, as the man pulled her head back by her hair and wrapped his grimy hand around her throat, she prayed to a nameless god.

She begged any god who dared to listen, any god who may even give the slightest shit about her and the remaining humans to spare her from what they had in store for her. She begged for a sign that she could continue on. She begged for a sign that she wasn’t spared from the decimation, just to suffer through this. She begged whatever god may hear her for a sign that she didn’t outlive her children just to be a slave to a gang. While her vision grew fuzzy and darkness swam around her, she begged for a sign.

She kicked and clawed with what little strength she had even as she felt hope slipping away from her. It was just as well, she thought. She would see them again soon, if she was lucky. If she was lucky, they would kill her soon and she could hold Frankie and Aurora in her arms again.

~~~~~<3

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