#ANYWAYS i was talking about how a certain date is going to make me depressed as fuck and they just went

[caninecowboy]

guess what time it is!!! time to be sappy on main

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I The Asshole for comforting my friend’s ex-partner?

People in this story: Me (19M), my friend, Jason (17M), his ex-partner, Leon (16M) [All fake names]

So, my friend Jason recently broke up with Leon, after a year of them being together (like, right after their anniversary). This was honestly a long time coming, as Jason has been venting to me about all these little things that Leon has done (he never visits Jason at work, he rarely buys gifts or pays for dates even though Jason always does, he’s too clingy, etc) so I wasn’t surprised, and I don’t think either Jason or Leon were very surprised either.

Jason is actually very happy he finally ended the relationship, and now that it’s over, he started to open up to me more about things Leon has done. He’s saving the in-depth conversation for when we can talk in person, but he told me there was manipulation and gaslighting going on, I just don’t know how or to what severity. Although, despite this, Jason says he doesn’t really have much ill will against Leon, and while he doesn’t want to remain friends (and now has him blocked on socials), is still fine interacting with him. (Of course, they’re in high school together so they’ll have to interact pretty frequently.)

Leon on the other hand… is pretty torn up. Which is understandable, even if it is his fault Jason broke up with him. He was publicly (but subtly) venting on social media, and Jason told me that during the breakup he was also very visibly upset and talked about thinking he (himself) deserved to die. (Which is… possibly a manipulation tactic, possibly a depressed teenager thing, but most likely a mix of both.)

Now, I’m friends with both of them (it’s hard not to be, since they’re almost always together). I’m closer with Jason and we talk almost every day, but Leon and I are somewhat close as well, so it wasn’t surprising to me when Leon messaged me to talk about the breakup.

Leon send multiple paragraphs venting about the breakup. He basically just told me he feels guilty, and hopeless, and he felt like his efforts in the relationship could only be seen by himself. He also told me he understands and won’t judge if I start to dislike him now that Jason broke up with him, and asked me to take care of Jason now that he won’t be able to.

Some of his message seemed a little manipulative-y? (Like the self-depreciation, he was also somewhat implying he wanted to kill himself…?) Which makes sense with everything Jason told me about him, but I still tried to respond the same way I would respond to any friend who just had a bad breakup, while also throwing a little “I hope you learn and grow from this” in there for good measure.

Because, see, I believe Jason when he says Leon was manipulative and a toxic partner. And I know Leon is probably fishing for sympathy, at least a bit. However… He’s also 16 years old. Which doesn’t make any of Leon’s actions okay, obviously. A 16 year-old should know right from wrong. But I know 16 year olds have a lot of growing up to do, and I don’t think Leon is an irredeemably bad person.

I can’t know for certain if Leon was purposefully acting malicious or if he was just too immature to understand what he did wrong. But either way, I’d feel like a dick telling a 16 year old who sees me as a good friend that I don’t want to hear him vent or I don’t care about his problem because it’s all his fault anyway. So, I just listened, told him I hope he grows from this, and told him to take care of himself and I hope things get better for him.

I’m definitely going to distance myself from him going forward, probably especially when Jason tells me the rest of the details of their relationship, but I figured the breakup is so fresh (happened the day before Leon came to me) I can at least let him vent for now. Break ups do fucking suck, even if it is your fault or you deserved it. So, I don’t know. Jason didn’t seem too bothered with what I said to Leon, but idk. AITA? I hope that all made sense :’)

What are these acronyms?

[emotionallychargedtowel]

The Eighth Sense e5 & e6: portraying trauma with nuance

Episodes 5 and 6 of The Eighth Sense have really blown up a discourse bomb in tumblr’s BL scene. I had been putting off watching these episodes because I had gathered that episode 6 ended with something pretty distressing, and stuff like that sometimes hits me pretty hard, especially when it’s left as a cliffhanger. But I was already tempted to rip off the band-aid and watch it anyway, and then everyone has been debating aspects of these episodes. So I just had to see what all the discussion was about and figure out my own take on it.

In case it’s not obvious, the following will have spoilers for the series up to and including episode 6. I have a lot to say about this, because it touches on subjects that have been a major focus for me in my personal life, in my previous work as a trainee therapist, and in my research and writing. But I want this to be a manageable read, so I’m going to put things in bullet form when I can to keep them brief and organized and I’m going to make some section headings to help with skimming or skipping around. But before I launch into the rest, there’s one thing I should get out of the way: I don’t think any part of episodes 5 or 6 are a hallucination, a dream, or otherwise did not occur. I do think that there are aspects of the way the show portrays certain things that indicate dissociation and/or an acute trauma response. I’ll talk more about that below. (Hey, @waitmyturtles, this is the epic TES post I’ve been writing off and on for two days! I hope it’s of interest.)

Here are the section headings I’ll use below, to give a sense of what I’m going to talk about:

Conceptualizing Jae Won: Or, what I think is happening with him

Jae Won’s therapist - comments and interpretations

Jae Won’s therapist - medication management

Human beings’ amazing capacity for self-blame

Interpreting show production choices psychologically

Are the creators of The Eighth Sense going to pull a “who shot JR?” move?

Conceptualizing Jae Won: Or, what I think is happening with him

We don’t know how his younger brother died, but we know that he died in front of Jae Won when they were together, and it’s clear that he blames himself. I would be shocked if he was actually at fault even a little bit. But it does appear to have happened “on his watch” in a sense that lends itself to blaming himself. This is a huge issue, one that I’ll discuss in more detail later on.

Even before his brother’s death, Jae Won was clearly under a ton of pressure from his parents. And his father appears to be emotionally and, almost certainly, physically abusive. This is also far more likely to have pre-dated his brother’s death than to have only developed afterward.

In addition to pressure and abuse, I think it’s pretty clear that Jae Won was a parentified child. This means that he was put in a position of having to take care of his parents’ emotional needs as a child. This kind of role reversal has profound effects throughout the parentified person’s life. 

Jae Won’s self-blame about his brother’s death means he was always going to be predisposed to stay stuck in the chronic version of the acute trauma response instead of moving through the natural healing process. In other words, he was almost certain to develop PTSD.

This is less clearly shown in the show, but my impression is that Jae Won has a deep-seated depressive tendency that existed before the loss of his brother. This would make sense for someone who faced the family-of-origin difficulties that he did. 

When he did develop PTSD, as I have no doubt he did, Jae Won’s existing challenges were going to make him even more likely to develop the depressive symptoms of PTSD than others. We’ve seen some of these in the show already:

feeling alienated from others, unable to form meaningful connections with them,

anhedonia (an inability to feel positive emotions), and

negative beliefs about himself, other people, and the world.

All of this is happening at once. He’s dealing with PTSD, but he also still has all the same habits and beliefs he had before due to the parentification and training in people-pleasing, so he’s supposed to bottle up all of this pain. And if it’s his fault (in his mind) that his brother died, how much more does he owe his parents than he ever did before? This is a distorted, unhealthy way of thinking about all of it, but these kinds of maladaptive thoughts and expectations happen all the time with trauma survivors.

Jae Won’s therapist really sums all of this up very well when she says, “All your worries, not doing what you want to do because you do not want to let your parents down, and trying hard to be a good person to everyone because you do not want to disappoint others. Don’t you think it might be all because of your younger brother? Your younger brother, who got into an accident while with you. Your younger brother, who you couldn’t protect. And you are struggling to live your life for him as well.” 

Jae Won’s therapist - comments and interpretations

I went into this series feeling nervous about its portrayal of therapy. I was very excited that therapy was being portrayed at all, mind you! It’s horrifying how seldom we see therapy mentioned as an option, much less shown, either in BLs or kdramas, and I’ve hoped for this to change for a long time now. But therapy  is shown in an inaccurate way so often in media. And often, we see therapists and other mental health professionals breaking ethical rules. So I was on my guard, big time.

There’s one thing I really take issue with about Jae Won’s therapist, and it’s somewhat of a small thing: her office is way, way too dark! I just don’t think that kind of low lighting, with a lot of the illumination coming from her aquarium and other tinted light sources, is professional or conducive to therapy work. Of course, it’s obvious that her office is lit in this way because it looks cool and sets a certain mood for the show. And that’s fine. It’s a very stylized show in a lot of ways. But it makes me a little tweaky to watch it. 

Some of the things she does in the therapy space with Jae Won are a bit open to interpretation, and could be debated. But I view her in a fairly charitable light, and I found that a favorable interpretation wasn’t difficult to justify at all. I ended up viewing her (so far, at least) as a very skillful and effective therapist.

I loved it when she joked, in the first scene after the credits for episode 1, “For God’s sake! Just tell me what your worries are!” Jae Won isn’t great at sharing. He’s been trained from early childhood not to show his messy, vulnerable emotions around authority figures. Jae Won is not an easy client by any stretch, so she may have been showing a mild version of some real frustration with him when she began that comment with mock-hostility. But he seems really sensitive to criticism, real or perceived. Coming at him directly about this could be risky. Using humor is a good way to get around this sensitivity pretty effectively. It’s worth noting, though, that I wouldn’t endorse this kind of move by a therapist unless they knew a client very well and had built a solid rapport with them.

The comment I quoted above (”Don’t you think it might be all because of your younger brother?”) connects so many of Jae Won’s interpersonal difficulties to the loss of his brother in a skillful way. It was very astute and well-put. But there are some things I would quibble with about it.

First, I’m kind of surprised that she is only saying this explicitly this far into therapy with Jae Won. It seems rather late to make such an observation considering this constellation of issues has, without a doubt, been in place the entire time they’ve been working together. This could definitely have been done sooner.

At the same time, paradoxically, it’s delivered abruptly, as if she blurted it out too soon. Actually, the abruptness comes from the fact that there’s not sufficient lead-up to the comment in their discussion beforehand.

Though the show’s treatment of mental health is strong overall, I think this part of this scene suffered from flawed writing. If I had written this scene, I would have made a change that I think would have resolved both of these issues. Instead of introducing this insight as if the therapist has just voiced it for the first time, I would have presented it as something she and Jae Won have touched on together more than once during their work together. Anyone who’s been to therapy knows that the same ideas, which appear as shocking revelations at first, often have to be returned to many times and worked through before we can benefit from them. She could have said something like, “This is that issue we’ve talked about before, right? It seems like another case of your beliefs about your brother’s death causing trouble in other areas of your life.”

Even better, she could have been shown quoting some kind of metaphor or shorthand Jae Won came up with himself when they’d spoken about this previously. For example, I had a client once who used to talk about metaphorically carrying around a giant, heavy book where he wrote down all of his failures. He described it in a similar way to “the catalog of mistakes” (I’m not going to share his actual wording, of course). Whenever I would use his wording, saying “the catalog of mistakes” or even “the catalog,” all of our prior discussion of that issue came into both our minds immediately. It also served as a reminder of our rapport and the importance I placed on his perspective.

Jae Won’s therapist - medication management

There’s one other area of Jae Won’s interactions with his therapist that is a bit hard to interpret. The exchange he has with his therapist about the amount of medication she’ll prescribe to him certainly seems important, but it’s hard to tell what exactly it means.

One thing that complicates this is the fact that he is receiving therapy and medication management services from the same provider. In other words, she seems to be a psychiatrist who provides therapy services. In most parts of the United States, this is rare (though that wasn’t always the case). I haven’t been able to tell whether this is more commonplace in South Korea.

Because she’s a prescriber and a therapist, asking for three weeks’ worth of medication instead of two also means waiting longer before having another therapy session. Maybe Jae Won really is just busy and trying to cut down on demands on his time, but this doesn’t seem too likely. It’s also possible that he’s seeking a greater quantity of his medication for some purpose, such as abusing it or using it for self-harm or to end his life. But he also could just be trying to put off his next therapy session to a later date because of his difficulty talking about vulnerable topics, something he demonstrates at multiple points in his therapy session. Similarly, when his therapist says she can extend his prescription to three weeks but not a month, because, as she puts it, “I need to do my job,” this could be in reference to the medication or her therapy work. Part of her job is keeping him from having access to too large an amount of medication at once, while another part is having therapy sessions with him (that are frequent enough to be useful). It’s hard to tell which of the two she was referring to, or whether it could be something else entirely. So I don’t think there’s one clearly correct interpretation here. But I do think we should be attentive to the possibility that he might be medication-seeking, possibly with the aim of using the medication for self-harm.

Human beings’ amazing capacity for self-blame

Even if you have experienced trauma or have been close to someone who has, unless you’ve spent time with a sizable sample of trauma survivors, it’s hard to understand just how readily people blame themselves for traumatic experiences. I had had personal experience with this as a survivor of intimate partner violence before I ever did any training in trauma therapy, but I was still totally floored when I observed firsthand just how often this happens and how unjustifiable every single instance of self-blame I encountered in clients turned out to be.

This is actually a big area for me as a researcher so I’m going to try not to go off on a massive tangent, but I think this is important. When we experience trauma, one of the most frequent responses people have is to blame themselves. I used to describe this to clients as a “deal with the devil.” Blaming ourselves allows us to feel like we have control over whether such things will happen to us (and/or those we care about) in the future. If we tell ourselves, “the trauma only happened to me because I did something bad, or something wrong,” then we can also tell ourselves, “but I’ll never do the bad or wrong thing again so from now on I’ll be safe.”

It’s very tempting to make this bargain, but it is an extremely bad deal. Self-blame is one of the biggest reasons some people get stuck in their acute trauma response instead of completing the healing process, resulting in PTSD. That feeling of control isn’t worth that. But human beings are so tempted to make this trade. When I was doing trauma therapy as a trainee, I saw example after example of folks who did seriously remarkable amounts of mental gymnastics in order to justify blaming themselves for their trauma.  I’m going to talk briefly now about a client I had many years ago, without giving any details that could be remotely identifying. This person had witnessed the death of a close friend when they were in combat together. I did prolonged exposure therapy with this person, meaning he had to tell me the story of his friend’s death again and again and again. When we do this type of work, it usually seems at first like the client is telling the exact same story again and again without any real change. But little changes crop up gradually and accumulate and after a while, you find the story has made big shifts. And occasionally, a big change happens.

This client started out telling his story in a way that looked for every possible reason his friend’s death could have been his fault. And wow, was he ever grasping at straws. It was almost as if he had said something as nonsensical as “I had oatmeal for breakfast that day and maybe that’s why my friend died.” Every miniscule decision he had made that day could, in his eyes, potentially have caused his friend’s death in some mysterious and imperceptible way. It would have been absurd had it not been so sad. But thankfully, as we continued the exposure work, his story gradually changed and these justifications for self-blame started to fall away a little at a time.

Then, one day, a crucial detail was added to the story that blew me away. After weeks of telling the story in the usual way, my client mentioned for the first time that just before his friend was hit, he had called out a warning to him, which the friend had ignored. He’d mentioned countless ways he might be to blame--none of them remotely justified--but had never told me about the one very clear way in which he had tried to prevent his friend’s death. When I pointed this out, my client was shocked that he had never mentioned that detail before. We spent a lot of time unpacking what all of this meant. It was the single biggest turning point in his therapy. So, yeah. People have an amazing capacity for figuring out even the slimmest of pretexts for self-blame, and it’s abundantly clear that Jae Won is exercising that capacity big time. I’m pretty certain we’ll find out that he has been blaming himself a lot for what happened while having no real justification for doing so.

(Side note: I have tons more thoughts about trauma, self-blame, victim-blaming more generally, and other related psychological constructs--these are all longstanding research interests of mine--but I’m going to stop here because this thing is already ridiculously long. But if anyone reading this ever wants to discuss any of this further, please feel free to hit me up! I love talking about these things.)

Interpreting show production choices psychologically

Let’s review where we find Jae Won toward the beginning of the show. I’ve talked about how Jae Won had a lot of psychological difficulties before the story started. His family of origin situation was damaging even before he lost his brother, and then he had to contend with trauma and complicated grief. After that, he went through a breakup (possibly due to his partner cheating on him), completed his military service, and then had to make the transition back to civilian life, which isn’t easy under the best of circumstances.

And then he meets Ji Hyun, and his feelings for him unsettle the precarious set of strategies that he’s been using to get by. Ji Hyun makes Jae Won feel tempted to let his guard down and be himself. He places a degree of trust in Jae Won that challenges his cynicism and makes him feel tempted to trust Ji Hyun in return--to trust him to an extent that would normally be out of the question for him. Ji Hyun shakes things up, and while this is mostly a very positive thing--there are a lot of things in Jae Won’s life that urgently need to change--it’s also rather destabilizing in the short term. 

Then the shit starts to hit the fan when Jae Won wakes up after staying out late drinking to hear his father pounding on his door. And the makers of the show start to play around with cinematography, editing, sound design, and other aspects of the show’s production to evoke Jae Won’s inner experience. After his dad pounds on his door, the way the show is shot and edited changes.

This disjointed editing and other distortions of typical filmmaking at this point in episode 5 have reminded some folks on here of a dissociative state, and I can see why. I would agree that it has a dissociative flavor. There are two prominent types of dissociation (which can happen simultaneously):

derealization, a feeling that the world around us isn’t real--it may feel empty, strange, or just plain wrong; and

depersonalization, in which we feel like we’re seeing ourselves from the outside, as if the person we’re observing isn’t us.

It’s tricky to talk about either of these in the context of tv/film because as viewers watching a fictional story unfold in a TV show, we are by definition:

perceiving that the world the characters inhabit doesn’t seem real, because it isn’t

looking at the characters from the outside, because they aren’t us (and they aren’t real)

But there are conventions of film and tv production that give us a sense of realism and of seeing things from characters’ points of view, and when Jae Won is dissociating we see those conventions get suspended or distorted. For example:

Conventional editing creates a flow of time that feels realistic (partly because we learn the “language” of film from a young age and interpret it that way). At important moments in The Eighth Sense, the editing breaks the rules of conventional editing, often messing with the viewers’ sense of time. Contexts change abruptly, as when Jae Won suddenly goes from being at home to being in his car. At other points, dialogue also goes out of sync.

Shot-reverse shot techniques help to approximate seeing things from the characters’ perspectives, situating us in the story so that we don’t feel like we’re observing from a distance. The most notable moment when this rule is broken happens when Jae Won is upset about his camera being damaged. We see him telling someone between sobs that the camera was a gift from his younger brother, but that person (assumably his dad) isn’t shown at all--not even a shoulder or the back of a head.

There’s also a lot of use of shallow depth of field (something the show uses in other ways as well), putting Jae Won in focus while his surroundings become a blur, making the world around him look hazy and unreal.

The sequence where Ji Hyun and Jae Won kiss in the ocean puts their dialogue way out of sync. On my first viewing, this just seemed like an interesting choice, one that gave the scene a sort of dreamlike quality. I’ve seen this strategy used before, as well, without any reference to mental illness, usually in art films. The first example that came to mind for me was from a Godard movie. It would be a valid option regardless of mental health-related content in a show. But after what immediately follows, I think that scene is portraying a trauma memory. Sometimes benign events that happened just before something traumatic become encoded with trauma memories rather than our usual type. (To put it briefly, trauma memories are encoded and stored in a different part of the brain from our everyday memories, and this is why they “behave” differently and have a different sensory quality from typical memories. Trauma recovery often involves some degree of re-encoding these memories in a more normal manner.)

Basically, the show sometimes puts the viewer into an approximation of a derealized and depersonalized state, particularly relative to what we’re used to as TV watchers. At other points, it shows characters’ experiences as if they were traumatic memories.

Are the creators of The Eighth Sense going to pull a “who shot JR?” move?

All this being said, I think that Jae Won’s dissociative moments, while very concerning and doubtless extremely distressing for him, do not point toward any sort of severe dissociative disorder like Dissociative Identity Disorder, nor do they make me concerned that his reality-testing (his ability to effectively distinguish what is and isn’t real) is impaired. I also don’t see any signs of cognitive impairment that would create a similar degree of confusion about reality. As a result, I don’t think the show’s use of signs of dissociation suggests that entire sections of the story will later be shown not to have happened.

Here’s the thing about dissociation. On paper, it sounds like an extreme symptom that approaches the kind of severe mental illness that includes symptoms like hallucinations and delusions. But the vast majority of the time, it’s very different from psychosis. And it’s also, in my opinion, more of a spectrum than we care to acknowledge most of the time. When we look at it that way, we can see that in a sense, Jae Won is at least a tiny bit dissociated a whole lot of the time. But frankly, so am I. It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors. It’s very different from something that would result in impaired reality-testing.

It’s possible that the show will end up revealing that Jae Won’s mental illness has resulted in him imagining entire segments of the show. These types of symptoms are often portrayed in media, for a couple of reasons: 1) people just find psychosis fascinating, and 2) these types of symptoms are very handy for creating plot twists and other interesting narrative devices. It’s not hard to think of examples of this. Fight Club, Black Swan, Shutter Island...the list goes on and on. But these portrayals are almost always inaccurate and exploitative. So far, the folks who make The Eighth Sense have shown a great deal of nuanced awareness of and sensitivity toward mental health matters, so I don’t think they would use this kind of cheap plot device. But they might. If so, I’ll find that pretty disappointing.

There is one thing the showrunners are doing that is somewhat sneaky in a way that could look analogous to that. Others have pointed out that Jae Won and his therapist are wearing the same clothes in every therapy scene, suggesting that we’re seeing the same therapy session interspersed with the other events of the series. In other words, the therapy session operates on a very different timeline from the rest of the story. We don’t know where to situate it relative to the rest of the plot. But I don’t see that as tied to the show’s portrayal of Jae Won’s mental health, nor does it seem exploitative or out of left field.

To sum up:

So far, The Eighth Sense has been remarkably accurate regarding psychological matters and has portrayed therapy and the use of psychotropic medication in a mostly positive and realistic light. I get the feeling the writers/directors/etc. have had some experience receiving mental health treatment. I really hope they maintain this level of quality throughout the remainder of the series.

I don’t think Jae Won’s PTSD (or his depression/anxiety) are sufficient for him to experience psychosis. I don’t expect entire segments of the show will be revealed to be an elaborate lie or hallucination, and if they are, I would consider that to be an example of poor writing and an unrealistic and potentially harmful representation of mental illness.

[cherryblossomforest]

Ooo I forgot to update, although I'm not sure anyone would care...😅

It wasn't covid. I figured it out early enough and retested multiple times just to be sure. It was faulty because it was out of date lol. I was rundown though, my body's engine light was on and I needed a few days to focus on getting it semi okay. Back to my normal I guess..

It was nice to just focus on me and everyone left me alone. It felt good to have that time. I've also finally got into a semi-habit of drinking 1.5l of water each day. One step at a time I'm looking after myself better and better!

Also, I'm back to writing my books which feels very good 😌

Off topic. One thing that I've been very aware of is that since going out more the last maybe 2 weeks (memory hiccup) I've been approached by a loooaad of people just complimenting me. On one of the days when I actually dressed up properly, I started counting - I know it sounds big-headed but I did it after venting to my cousin about my confusion because I generally feel ugly and she told me I'm not and to count - and from what I remembered it was 14. I got called a Goddess, someone compared me to Queen Tuya from Prince of Egypt, someone said I should model. There was just a lot going on! When I was telling one of my male friends on another day and he didn't believe me, someone literally came up 2 minutes later to compliment me and he was literally laughing because he thought I was lying. Now I don't think I'm the prettiest person, very far from it, but to be complimented this much does feel nice but it also makes sense why I avoided this for so many years out of fear, because of my history.

Today I took my sister and the niblings to a huge park and I decided to climb up one of the hills (knowing I'll be in bed for the rest of the week lol) and it was crazy hard. At one point I was on all fours climbing up and my niece was laughing calling me crazy 🤪. Anyway, when I finally got down this random guy came up to me when I was sitting next to my sister. He was like "Did you just climb that hill on a crutch?!" When I said yes, he asked me why and I said why not... because why not?? He asked me how old I was and he was like "Any girl that climbs a hill on a crutch like you did is my type of girl, can I get your number?" My brain started spinning because I wasn't expecting it. I can't remember what I said but he was respectful when I declined and kept it moving. Thankfully.

This is the type of attention teenage me struggled with. People don't believe me when I tell them how much attention I get. Now that I'm a healthy weight and not so depressed, it gets overwhelming fast if my trauma brain is turned on. I'm not complaining in the sense that I want people to feel bad because it's never that deep. Like womp womp! But I think I'm realising that as a kid/teen it actually was a lot. It makes sense that my Anorexia was so bad and that I fell so deep into it. As a teenager having grown men treat me like how I'm being treated now was scary, especially with the things I had gone through. Now I'm learning to embrace it and keep it humble because at times I attract this certain type of It Girl and I'm Not about that. Inwardly, I don't always feel pretty but I know for a fact that I have pretty privilege so this isn't something I feel comfortable talking about most times because I get it... people are genuinely like "Shut the hell up you're beautiful why are you complaining?" And I promise it's not supposed to come off like That. It's more me navigating this with an extensive trauma background. Anyway, I often forget I'm mid to late 20s and not a teen, but as I'm getting more and more present in the now I think that's starting to shift which helps a lot! :)

[ladyazurith]

Totally agree with you about Cater in Book 5. I always found Ace and Deuce's inclusion on the team extremely forced and contrived. Realistically speaking, neither of them should’ve ever made the cut. Neither one of them have any singing or dancing training. While they did practice a little, there’s no way in hell someone would ever become a professional level dancer in the matter of a couple of days, even with the best teacher in the world. 

I’m 99% certain that Yana only did that for plot convenience, because that way she wouldn’t have to craft two new characters to fill in the roles on the team. While I can understand that logic from a real world game development standpoint, like you said, I still don’t understand why someone like Cater could’ve taken Ace’s spot at the very least. Cater is in the Light Music Club, so he has a background in that area. His VA is a professional singer. Cater making the team wouldn’t be as big of a stretch as Ace. It’s not like Ace did much in this arc other than cause trouble and insult Deuce, anyways, so anyone could’ve taken his spot. 

The other question about ch 3 is going to take a bit more thinking, cuz I've tried to make it work before in various stories, but this seems like a complete rework kind of answer is needed.

And yeah, I made a post a while ago about how Cater had to feel about the VDC, and it's something I tackle in some of my fics. Because I don't know how he can look at what happened and who got picked and not come to the conclusion Vil just hates him? Like this man is so driven to win that he's willing to do anything...except let Cater on the team.

And given I ship the two of them primarily their dynamic is something I've put a lot of effort into figuring out. The only thing I've found to justify it is that Vil doesn't like the idea of dating someone just for PR/fame. Because the way he talks to/reacts to Cater is just... not in line with how he treats everyone else. He constantly calls him shallow or implies he's only after fame which is just a wild take.

That he would let someone like Rook be his friend who 100% comes off more like a stalker fan type than Cater. And Rook doesn't even hide it. Like I get they bonded over Theater but it's not like Vil and Cater have no common ground at all. Cater's shown to be into fashion and design, given they go out of their way to mention Cater came up with Heartslabyul's Halloween costumes and designed their LMC clubwear (When for the most part that's all just assumed to be Crewel)

And then there is his friendship with Kalim like I've pointed out. And Lilia which Vil admits is someone he's interested in getting to know better himself. Hell Cater and Rook are friends? Like none of it makes sense.

Especially when Vil also has no problems with associating with other people who are clearly out to use him?!?! Like Azul, Jade, Ace...even Leona? But nah we're gonna hate on Cater. When he's always you know ASKED to take Vil's picture, even in situations where he wouldn't have to ie in public spaces and what not. He's never just taken it without permission.

In the end, despite the fact that Vil calls Cater shallow he's the one that comes across as incredibly shallow about the whole thing. Especially when we have Cater talking about what he sees in Vil and what he appreciates about him and why he looks up to him...and none of it is really shallow? He definitely sees more in him than just a quick ticket to fame.

It just seems so weird when Vil otherwise seems to put effort into helping others better themselves. He can be incredibly generous and thoughtful in certain situations. AND HE KNOWS THAT CATER IS LIKELY DEPRESSED. And that's what he's hiding behind his cheerful facade thanks to Cater's Labcoat personal story.

It's just like consistency, please. Anyway you probably weren't expecting this rant sorry XD It's a sore spot for me if you can't tell lol

[suckitsurveys]

Are any of your friendships on a fine line? No. One just kind of ended though. I feel a little shitty about it but this girl did NOT respect my boundaries and I tried talking to her about it several times and she refused to listen so I just kind of stopped talking to her and she finally got the hint and deleted me off of all social media.

If I search your room will I find birth control? No.

Do you expect any of your ex’s to call or text you? Nope.

Have you ever witnessed a birth? Yes, my older niece’s. It was wild.

Where’s your favorite place to be when you feel depressed? With Mark and our kitties.

Are you currently looking forward to tomorrow? Nothing really. It’ll just be one day closer to the girls trip we’ve been planning for a year.

When was the last time you held someone’s hand? Yesterday.

Have you ever faked sick? Oh yeah.

Do you wear hoodies to bed? Not hoodies, I’d feel like I was being choked. But I’ve worn crew necks to bed before.

Are you currently wearing jeans? Yes.

Do you buy eggnog around the holidays? Why is this the second survey in like 4 days that’s asked me about eggnog?? Anyway, we usually get some.

Have you gone to a coffee shop within the past week? [i.e. Starbucks] I don’t think I have.

Would you like to be able to read thoughts? If I could control it sure.

Are you often the last one to understand a joke? Nah.

Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it? I’m not sure.

Do you think baseball is a dying professional sport in America? Definitely not in my family.

Does playing the guitar make a guy more attractive? Eh. Depends on the guy.

Have you ever slept in a tent, indoors or out? Yes.

What does your hair look like at the moment? I HATE the color SO much but I didn’t want to dye it and have it fade right away in the sun/chlorine.

Are you mad right now? No, just tired.

Who did you spend your summer with last year? Mostly my family and friends.

Did you eat a cookie today? No.

Have you heard of wreck this journal? Yes, I have one somewhere.

Do you know any one who lives in California? Yes.

Have you ever been told you were a good writer? Yes.

What do you put on your baked potatoes? Butter and sour cream for sure. Sometimes chives and cheese.

Have you ever been on a farm? Yes.

Who are the last three texts/dms you received from? Margo, Lolly, Mark.

What are you listening to? Nothing.

Are you one to take naps? Nope. They make me feel gross.

Did you ever have braces? Nope.

Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? Yes.

Are you afraid of flying? No. It makes me a little uneasy, sure, but overall I don’t mind it.

Do you have freckles? On my arms.

Do you have plans for today? Work and then I have to finish cleaning my dad’s to prepare for my friends staying there this week with me until we leave for the Dells on Friday.

Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger than you? My husband is 5 years older than me.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? He’s sleeping or just getting up.

If you had to live off one type of fruit, which would you pick? Probably avocado.

What were you doing at 7:45AM this morning? It hasn’t hit that quite yet lol.

What was the last thing you drank? Iced Coffee.

Where did you get the shirt your wearing? Torrid.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Nope, I have work at 6 am.

How often do you drink Monster? Never, I don’t like how energy drinks taste.

Are you easy to get along with? Yeah.

Are you short? 5'2".

Can you ever get enough of mac ‘n’ cheese? Nope, I love mac n cheese.

Are you allergic to nuts or dairy products? Nope.

Do you have trust issues? Yes, in that certain people have let me down time after time when I’ve asked them to take care of something or help me with something.

Is there someone you want to let go of? My fucking brother in law but unfortunately I’m stuck with him.

Do you have any regrets? Eh.

Has anyone ever called the cops on you? Yes.

How old are you? 34.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? I did actually. Margo and I were chatting on twitter until we fell sleep.

Do you go to church every Sunday? Nope, I never go.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Right now.

Do you like your height? I’m fine with it. It’s never negatively impacted my life.

Is the last person of the opposite sex you texted single? He is not. He’s married to me.

Could you go a week without brushing your teeth? I have before, depression is fun y’all.

What day is it? Monday.

Are you usually awake at midnight? Not usually. I tend to pass out between 10pm-11pm on work nights. On weekends I’ll usually be up until at least midnight.

Does it get really cold where you live? Yes.

When you get home from school / work do you change into your pjs right away? My pants and bra usually come right off lol.

Have you ever been peer pressured to smoke pot? I wasn’t pressured into it, no.

Have you ever played the game Sims 3? Nope.

What is the temperature currently in the town you live in? 64F.

Do you ever actually drink milk alone? Rarely. This was actually in another survey I did recently too. Who is making these? Lol. Anyway, I will drink it with a PB&J or Oreos or something every once in a while.

If you don’t have one already, would you consider getting an iPhone? Nope.

What year were you born in? 1989.

[roberttchase]

If you are still taking prompts:

Matt (Brettsey) + How could you move on from me so easily.

Okay, so. Welcome to angst town. I also had a huge Hallie part written but decided to make it its own thing because it didn't NEED to be in here. Anyway. The angst is big in this one, sorry lmao. But also they get some closure. Enjoy 2.5k of Matt being the most depressed person in existence.

(also, i'd like to say now- they are both at fault for the break up, it wasn't solely Matt and it wasn't solely Sylvie. I see a lot of people saying she was the bad guy for breaking up with Matt, but her reasons were all completely valid. If I were in her shoes I think I might have done the same thing. They both needed to work harder at it, and while I think they might have been able to save it, I also think that maybe it was needed? Jesse leaving for real fucked everything up, but like duh he deserves a break and deserves to be with his wife and daughter and at the end of the day that's what matters most. so yeah, this fic might seem like it's not the best to sylvie at first, but I promise there is closure for them, and it's written in matt's pov so keep that in mind too!)

X X X

He spots her with a man the second he walks in, clean cut but with a beard, who looks at her kindly and smiles along with her. She’s laughing at something he says and Matt can’t tear his eyes away. She looks happy, like she genuinely wants to be talking to this guy across from her, and then he notices their hands- sitting on top of the table, intertwined. Any thought that this guy might just be a friend is shattered, and he realizes then that she’s on a date. A date that obviously isn’t the first, because who holds hands on a first date? Certainly not Sylvie Brett, that much he’s certain of.  It’s not as if he’s searched for her, not really. He’s back in Chicago to visit for the weekend; the first time since their break up, and he’s only stepped into the pizza place to pick up a pie to take back to the loft for he, Severide and Kidd to enjoy. Seeing Sylvie on a date is so out of left field he feels like all the air in the small hole in the wall has been sucked out of him. Turning quickly so she won’t spot him, he debated leaving, but Matt Casey won’t be a coward again. Instead, he walks up to the counter and orders, then steps to the side to wait, resolutely not looking to his right. Except. 

Except he can’t. He’s been pulled to Sylvie for years, no matter how much it might hurt at times. He glances over as subtly as he can, watching both of the beautiful people laugh and smile. His chest aches. He’s almost home free, almost out without being noticed, when the worker ruins it all. 

“Pizza for Matt Casey!” 

He knows she looks up, he can practically feel her state boring into the back of his head, but he keeps his eyes fixed ahead of him, walking up and grabbing the box hastily, barely managing a ‘thanks’ before bolting. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t turn to catch a glimpse of her shocked face, or the way the guy squeezes her hand a little tighter and asks if she’s ok. He has to get out and back to the loft. 

Unlocking the door to the loft, precariously balancing the pizza box in one hand, Matt rushes inside, feeling dumb. It’s not like the paramedic would have followed him. They’re not together anymore. She’s on a date with what he can only assume is her new boyfriend. He drops the pizza box on the island in the middle of the open kitchen, ignoring his best friend's confused look. 

“Dude, you okay? You look like you saw a ghost…” 

Matt’s about to reply when Kidd walks up, phone in her hand. Her brow is furrowed and she looks at the dark blonde with an unreadable expression. Severide looks from one to the other. 

“Anyone wanna tell me what’s going on?” 

Silence, and then- 

“Nothing.” 

“Brett was there.” 

The words all ring out at the same time and Severide sucks in a breath. 

“Oh shit.” 

“Look,” Matt rubs a hand through his darkening hair. “It’s fine, I’m fine. She’s on a date? It’s none of my business. Good for her, I’m happy for her. She deserves someone who makes her happy.”

The words sound oddly hollow and so familiar it’s like he’s back in the past. Jesus, how many guys has he watched her try to date? How many guys has he pushed her towards? She must have texted Kidd to tell her what happened. The room feels suddenly too warm. 

“Yeah man, you sound elated.” Severide raises an eyebrow. 

Swallowing down a snarky comment or two, Matt forces himself to shrug. It’s not like he can break them up; not that he would ever do that, and he’s not even back in Chicago yet. This is a four day visit, not a homecoming. Flipping open the box, he takes a plate and slides a large piece onto it. 

“Can we just drop it? We’re not together anymore, she’s welcome to be with whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. We broke up seven months ago, I’d be surprised if she hadn’t found someone by now.” 

The couple in front of him share a look. 

“What?” 

“Not to overstep Casey, but have you found anyone, or even tried?” Kidd’s voice is cautious but he can hear the curiosity. 

The truth is, he has tried. He’s tried twice, but both times were a disaster and he walked away from both doorsteps knowing it was one silly date with minimal chemistry and was going to fizzle out before he could even try to do damage control. 

“I’ve tried, yeah. Both times just didn’t work out.” He keeps his voice level, the idea of sharing all of his thoughts uncomfortable. “Who knows, maybe I’m just not meant to be with someone,” he tries to joke, but it falls flat and brings more silence. 

“Well that’s depressing,” Severide sighs, shaking his head. 

“Right, so,” Kidd bites at her lip, rubbing the back of her neck. “I may or may not have invited her here tonight, to kind of take her mind off of things? A girls night. So….”

Jesus. H. Christ. Logically, Matt knows it’s a normal thing to do- two best friends having a special night when one of them is upset, he witnessed enough of those with his sister, but why the firefighter thought it was a good idea to do it here, while he’s here? 

“Great, so I’ll be going…anywhere else, then.” Matt presses the heels of his hands to his closed eyes, trying to calm himself down. 

“Dude, stay, we can-“ 

“I don’t think it’s very smart to stay and be around when I’m the reason this is happening. He stares at his slice of pizza. He’s not hungry anymore. Putting the plate in the fridge, he makes sure his phone and wallet are in his pocket then gives what he hopes is a smile to his friends. 

“I’ll be back later, don’t wait up, might be a while,” he says with a tight smile. When no one stops him, he nods and heads out the door. 

It’s almost eleven o’clock when he walks back into the apartment building, heart heavy, eyes rimmed red and puffy from crying. He’s tired and emotionally drained from having gone to see his sister and then to the cemetery to visit his late fiancé. Talking to Hallie was always emotional, and today was no exception. Six feet hadn’t ever felt so far away. Sylvie’s always been more of a morning person than a night person, so surely she’s gone by now. 

The moment the door opens, his brain starts yelling at him to abort, to shut the door back and turn around. Sitting there on the couch, curled up next to Stella and under a big fuzzy blanket, is Sylvie, blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing a too-big sweatshirt that Matt doesn’t recognize. He blinks hard and steps further inside. 

“Hey, sorry, I-“ 

“We’ll shit Casey, way to undo all my hard work of making her forget everything,” Kidd groans. 

Matt kind of wants to punch something. How is it that she gets all this special treatment, that she gets all this sympathy from people and he’s treated as if he’s the bad guy? Everyone at fifty one seems to have come to the consensus that either the breakup was mutual or he’d done it. At least, that’s the vibe he got after stopping by for half an hour the day prior, while ambo had been out (not that he’d done that on purpose). 

“Sorry. I have a headache, so I’m going to head to bed, I’ll see you in the morning. Sylvie, it’s uhm, it’s nice to see you.”

Somehow his voice doesn’t waver for which he’s grateful. He knows he sounds like he’s been crying, his head is aching behind his eyes and his nose is completely stuffed up. That plus how he looks is probably giving them both the wrong impression. The Captain makes the familiar walk down the right hallway to his old bedroom, shutting the door quietly before letting out a large sigh. Wonderful.

He’s just finished changing into an old pair of grey sweatpants and a fire academy shirt when there’s a knock at the door, no doubt Severide being asked to make sure he’s alright. When he opens it, he stops dead and feels his heart pick up speed. Sylvie is standing there with her big blue eyes, her hand on her watch, twisting it. She’s nervous to talk to him, and now he feels like an asshole for no logical reason. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi, I just,” she clears her throat and blinks. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I didn’t know you were back in town.” 

The atmosphere is awkward and Matt isn’t sure if he should ask her to come in or not. He stays planted in his spot, feeling unable to move. The area behind his eyes gives a throb. 

“Just visiting for a few days. Hallie’s birthday is next week and I haven’t missed one yet, but I’m on shift so I thought I’d come early,” he explains, giving a weak smile. “And I’m fine,” he adds. “I hope you’re doing well. I saw you earlier today, obviously. You seem happy.” 

Sylvie nods, giving him a small smile. It looks half pained and half something else, maybe pitying? Guilty? 

“I’m,” she pauses, thinking. “I’m trying, to be happy. I’m working on it. And I hope you are too.” 

Matt contemplates telling her that he’s glad she’s happy, that he’s trying also, that he’s even found someone, just to make that sad look on her face go away. Instead, words start tumbling out before he can even realize what they are. 

“Can I ask you a question? How…how could you move on from me so easily? From us?” 

Silence. It’s so loud that Matt has to swallow and then continue just so it will stop. “You don’t need to answer that. I’m sorry, that was out of line. You don’t owe me anything, or any explanation,” he rushes to get out, hands starting to shake from adrenaline. 

“I haven’t, I don’t think. Gotten over you, I mean. But if I don’t try then I never will. And it sucks and it hurts, but I can’t just pause my life and wallow in it forever, you know?” 

Her eyes are shiny and Matt hates himself for once again making this wonderful, beautiful, funny, smart woman cry. Her words sting. It’s obvious just from the question that he hasn’t moved on either, but unlike her, he’s not really making much effort. He’s pausing his life, wallowing in the fact he and Sylvie aren’t together. He feels nauseous. Some tiny part of him had selfishly hoped that maybe once he came back for good their stars would align, like she had said. He doesn’t think they have stars anymore. Maybe just a big black hole sits where they once were. 

“I wouldn’t ever expect you not to move on,” he explains slowly. “I uh, I know you have that guy? He seemed nice from what I witnessed. I’ve always said you deserve happiness Sylvie, and that hasn’t changed. I just want you to be happy. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to provide that for you when you needed it most. All of it was unfair to you, and I understand why we didn’t work out. It does suck. But if you’re happy then I’m happy.” 

Sylvie stares at him and then steps closer. Suddenly her arms are around him, hugging him tightly. He hugs her back, suddenly realizing this is most likely the last hug they’ll ever share. 

“I’m sorry. I know you’re unhappy Matt. I know you’re trying. I know Portland’s been hard, and I know I couldn’t give you what you needed either. It’s not just me who suffered. And I’m sorry,” tears are falling down her porcelain face and Matt feels tears on his own too. 

He pulls back just enough to stare into her eyes and for a moment all he wants to do is have one last kiss, one last moment of feeling her and tasting her and having her. But he won’t be that person who kisses someone that’s taken. He doesn’t want to harm her new relationship. The words are washing over him and it feels like something in him has cracked open. Sylvie has always seen him, more than anyone- more than his sister, his mother, Hallie, Gabby. Sylvie’s the only one who’s ever been able to tell exactly how he’s feeling, even during the times he’s locked his feelings down as deep as they can go. 

“Thank you.” It comes out as a half sob, and he hugs her tight again, then finally, the spell is broken and they step apart at the same time. Matt’s a mess, Sylvie’s still beautiful, and he’s now certain that no one will ever come close to Sylvie Brett. She was it for him- the ring that’s still in his dresser drawer is proof of that. 

But they are over and Matt will eventually come to terms with that, at least he hopes he will. 

“You should g-get back to Kidd, she’s probably annoyed now,” he gives a watery laugh. 

“Yeah. Thank you, Matt. For everything. I’m sorry we ended up like this.” 

“I’m sorry too. Thank you, Sylvie.” 

She walks back down the hall, and he can see her swiping at her face. He turns and sits back on the bed that once used to be his and starts desperately trying to compartmentalize all the hurt and sadness. Sylvie changed him in so many ways, but this particular part of him won’t ever change, and he’s aware of it. Even she didn’t scratch the surface of this particular issue of his, but she also never got the chance. He hears her voice talking to Kidd and shuts his door, suddenly angry, not for a specific thing, but just angry.

Before he can stop himself, before he can calm himself down or remind himself he’s not who he used to be- an angry kid, an angry teenager, an angry man in his late 20’s who lost a best friend or fiancé, he moves. He doesn’t think about the fact the wall isn’t dry wall like every other wall he’s punched, but he comes back down to earth quickly, blind anger turning into pain as his knuckles hit brick and cement. The pain radiates from his knuckle through his wrist and he lets out a quiet, strangled noise. 

At least that’s something he can focus on instead of his never ending thoughts about the woman forty feet away. 

[pb-dot]

The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

[mangodestroyer]

For a while, I was kind of envious of my peers. It just feels like everyone else is getting it "figured out" faster than me. They have long term partners they plan on marrying, or have already married. They either already have or are thinking about having kids. They live on their own and started a career. Many of them are also already done with school, or have something they're doing for a living without a need for college.

But... I'm only in my mid-twenties. Seriously. We're all only in our early to mid twenties (like, 22-24). And some of these people have already decided to settle down and have kids???

I mean, it just hit me at work yesterday that there's so much I'm able to do right now because I DON'T have a long term partner or a child to take care of. In fact, I am chronically single. Never been kissed. Had one long distance relationship (with a little bit of in person time) that was toxic and, tbh, didn't even feel legit. And the whole thing left me feeling depressed and bitter because I'd become convinced that maybe I'm just not the kind of person who finds a loving partner.

But honestly? While I was dating, I just remember getting a lot of shit for still going for my bachelor's. Feeling bad that I didn't make a lot of money at my job (so pretty much being limited with what I could do at the time and what I could contribute). Being made to feel like my ambitions in life were "too much" and were just not going to work for the relationship. It felt like the only way I could make things work was if I buckled down, got my education over with ASAP, worked a "real" job and had kids.

And yeah, it just felt like compromise after compromise. And also, finding ways to "mute" who I am as a person to make things easier. It got to the point where even certain hobbies and interests of mine were becoming "too much." Constant arguments too. And being policed on when and how I could talk. I got so sick of it and just left one day.

People have told me that this isn't normal. That if I just found the right person (TM), they would treat me so much better. But... what I went through does actually seem to be very common. I'm well aware that decent people exist. I've had healthy friendships and all. But what if some of us just don't find the right person?

And also, I still don't think that I'm relationship material anyway. I don't really want to "settle down." I think it's cool that I currently have the ability to just work/go to school in another country without feeling like I'm leaving someone else behind, or having to talk about it with them, or having to work on getting them to come with me, or straight up just not being able to do it. And, if I have time off from work and school, way more time for myself and my interests. More freedom to eat whatever the fuck I want. MY OWN BED.

Yeah, maybe living life the "normal" way is a bit overrated. I'll admit, there's probably always going to be a part of me that wishes I had a companion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Other things in life just sound far more appealing at this point. The only down side to this seems to be that everyone else is so preoccupied with their relationship and starting a family that it's kind of left me feeling a bit lonely. I almost have to wonder if I thought a relationship was the only way to deal with this.

[gastergrooberfan]

Strong Chat's Group Sad

Strong Sad sat down at his desk in his room to discuss the topic at hand with his group.

“Hello, welcome to the “Depressio Therapy Sessio”, you’re all here because you were voted as the biggest Woobies on this very website.” Strong Sad announced, holding up an index finger.

“A worbie?” Coach Z questioned Strong Sad as Lil' Brudder, Reynold, and What’s Her Face also looked confused, while the New Paper came down with a question mark on it. Strong Sad sighed.

“It means everyone pities us and it’s easy to feel sorry for us. But who can blame them? We do go through a lot.” Strong Sad explained.

“Oh.” Everyone said, except the Paper who scrolled up, then down and the text on it said “Oh.”

“What is that new papes doing here anyway? I thought it dired.” Coach Z raised an eyebrow.

“I came back to life.” The New Paper read.

“Why am I even here?” Lil’ Brudder asked while standing on his one hind leg. “I can make it on my own, you don’t need to worry about me.”

“Awww….” The others cooed at Lil Brudder.

“See? Everyone just feels so sorry for me, but I can make it on my own. I want to be appreciated for being strong in spite of my condition, not because of it.” Lil Brudder scowled.

“Oh, sorry.” Strong Sad apologized. “But I see what you mean, being loved because of pity can be hard… Reynold. Would you like to go next?”

“I joined an evil organization because my original “hero” team mistreated me.” Reynold sighed. “It started out tolerable enough, I thought they treated me like a kid because they cared about me and wanted to protect me, but then I got sick of it and when I protested, they locked me in their office and rarely fed me.”

“Yeah… It can be hard being treated like the baby of the bunch but abused at the same time… What about you, What’s Her Face?” Strong Sad asked.

“Despite not being The Ugly One, I’m treated as the least good looking girl, no guy ever wants to date me.” What’s Her Face sighed, but then she smirked. “I admit though, it is nice to see Cheerleader suffer for mistreating me and the other girls.”

“Yeah, revenge can be sweet.” Strong Sad nodded. “Now-”

“Whart about me?” Coach Z waved his arms in eagerness. “We’ll get to you, be patient.” Strong Sad scolded. “New Paper?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.” The New Paper’s text read.

“Okay, I guess we can-” Strong Sad was interrupted by the New Paper scrolling down.

“But it all started when Strong Bad wanted to replace The Old Paper with me…” The New Paper showed its text again. By the time it was finished, everyone was asleep, except Strong Sad who was reading it with anticipation. “And in a moment of desperation, I betrayed Strong Bad and joined Homestar’s side… Too bad I was burned alive later…”

“Oh my…” Strong Sad’s eyes actually sparkled as they dared to shed tears. “Now, Coach Z and I debated for hours who had the most problems and we said we would have a vote by everyone else to see who would be picked last, since we both have long depressing stories… Most miserable goes last. So place your votes.”

Reynold held Coach Z’s name on a tabet, Lil Brudder clumsily held his name in a paper in his mouth, What’s Her Face had Strong Sad’s face written on her shirt, and The Paper had his name typed on its body.

“A tie huh? Guess we have to corllaborate.” Coach Z put his arm around Strong Sad. “Tell our stories together, at the same tirme.”

“Um, I think that’s all the time we have for today.” Strong Sad lifted his finger. “For our next session next week, we’ll talk about how our lives were ruined by a certain masked Wrestleman and what we shall do about it.” Strong Sad held up a sign that had Strong Bad’s face circled and crossed out in red.

“Um, I don’t even know Strong Bad that well.” Reynold told him. “But… I guess I’ll attend anyway.”

“Until next time.” Strong Sad waved at the camera.

One week later, Strong Sad, Coach Z, What’s Her Face, Reynold, Lil’ Brudder, and The New Paper were meeting once again.

“So, what should we tork about today?” Coach Z eagerly asked.

“Since you clearly forgot. We are going to plot against Strong Bad.” Strong Sad groaned.

“I can do it! I can do it twelve times!” What’s Her Face smiled. “I think that’s how the saying goes.”

“But Strange Bard helped me do a new number one jam!” Coach Z protested.

“Oh, right.” Strong Sad sighed. “You can stay out of this if you want.”

“Shore.” Coach Z shrugged.

“Anyone else backing out?” Strong Sad questioned.

“Strong Bad never really did anything to me.” Lil Brudder walked away.

“Me neither.” Reynold sighed.

“Anyone actually want to join or am I just going to do this on my own as usual?” Strong Sad grumbled.

“Nah, I’m tired of being killed.” What’s Her Face scowled.

“I have many reasons I’d like to join in.” The New Paper scrolled down with it’s text.

“And me too.” Reynold scoffed.

“I thought you backed out.” Strong Sad gasped.

“I did, but a few seconds ago…” Reynold waved his arms to signify a flashback.

“There you are, The Cheat! Go and get me a danish!” Strong Bad commanded when he saw Reynold. “And take off that ridiculous Reynold costume!”

“But I am Reynold.” Reynold whined. Strong Bad growled and then kicked Reynold with his foot, causing his glasses and tie to fall off.

“I can see why now.” Strong Sad told Reynold after the flashback ended. “Your like-ness to The Cheat may be useful anyway.”

“I love revenge and evil plans!” Reynold chuckled evilly, rubbing his stubby hands together, What’s Her Face laughed as well, and the New Paper read “hehehe”.

[short-black-diamond]

A second chance..

So, uh...since my last fic kinda...blew up...(?)

what about more angst? but there’ll be a happy ending...kind of...

also, Uraraka is being a bitch. Not that she already is (I’m a hater, sorry not sorry), but she’s desperate.

also, it’s getting real suggestive at the end, but that’s just me fantazising about making out with the cute boy.

I DID NOT PROOFREAD!!!!

again, only they/them/their pronouns used, no Y/n, and...yea! Have fun reading!

Anyways; part one https://at.tumblr.com/short-black-diamond/nooooooooooooo/7ly12yifwuzu 

Ever since you became official with going out with Bakugo, Izuku was more and more depressed, I mean, he ripped off his all might posters in pain and agony of you starting to date the person whom he looked up to the most-but also the person who had wanted to see him dead. 

Of course, Izuku only wanted for you to have the best, but was Kachan really the best for you? Last week, he tried to brow your head off and now he’s all lovely dovey and shit with you. 

No, something was not right. and Izuku wanted to fix that. 

But, a certain girl found out about his plan- she wanted him all for himself. 

...

“Deku, over here!“, Ochaco yelled in the busy cafeteria, where she miracioulously purchased one meal with her favourite dish, and his favourite - Katsudon - as well. Not sure where she got the money, but hey, the thought counts.

Deku looked at her and his eyes were about to aoutomatically light up when he heard your laughter. 

He whipped his head to your direction that there might have been a possibility of his neck snapping, but nothing of that sort. 

And his heart sunk when he saw you laughing with the Bakusquad. 

‘I wish I’d be there with you...being the reason you laugh‘, he thought, a frown forming on his face. 

The space hero noticed and grabbed his arm. 

But...

Instead of blushing crazy like he normally would around her - a habit of his that she loved - he flinched. 

Izuku fucking flinched from her touch. 

And not only that, he also looked at he brown haired girl with a bewildered expression, an expression that screamed ‘What the heck!?’.

Now, Uraraka was hurt. Tears slowly formed in her eyes as she turned around and left, Izuku hot on her trail, wanting to apologize for his stupid behavior. 

And of course, you saw. you always saw it. 

somebody nugded you, and you saw Katsuki, and how he gave you a reassuring smile. Well, it wa more of a smirk-ANYWAYS. 

...

“Uraraka-wait please! I’m sorry!“, Izuku called as he ran after her. Uraraka stopped after a few minutes of running, being out of breath. Deku wasn’t panting that much.

“Why...?“, she whispered, before looking at Izuku with a heartbroken expression. “Why do you care so much about them? Can’t you be happy without their attention on you all the time?”

The fucking audacity. The motherfucking audacity.

Izuku took a minute to think about if what the girl said was real. Did she just say that he should leave you alone? That he’s an attention seeker? What the hell?

His brows furrowed. “Uraraka, the person, whom you’re talking about, is much more than just some student. They were my best friend! 

And I...” He thought about his memories, and how he ripped off his all might posters. “I wasn’t there for them...I-I just left them to hang out with you guys...!”

Midoriya clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I can’t believe that you’re into them.“, Uraraka spoke, looking to the side with a frown on both her small brows and mouth.

“Wha-“

“What is it about them that I don’t have?! Huh?!”, she exclaimed, stepping closer and slowly backing the nerd into a corner.  “Is it because I am short? My hair? My voice? Because I’m freaking poor...?!”

“Uraraka, what are you-“

“No, don’t call me Uraraka, call me Ochaco, or just Chaco!“, a hoeful smile stretched itself on the poor girl’s face as she grabbed both of Izuku’s hands and held them towards her chest. 

“I love you Izuku Midoriya, and I want to go on many dates with you!”, she called, already leaning in to kiss the boy, but Izuku was having none of that and ran away. 

...

You were in your room again, thinking about your life choices as you stretched your body. The bunnies were in Koda’s room this time, so no furry friends for you to spill your heart out for today. 

‘I am together with Bakugo...but...‘

You grunted, taking a harp breath. you stretched too much. 

you lay down on the floor. 

‘I don’t even like him. I guess I just wanted to piss Mido off...

I’ll break up wiht Katsuki.‘

And that’s what you did. 

You packed some stuff (a book, headphones, your laptop/tablet/Phone+chargers, water bottle) and put on some warm clothes, 

October could be a bitch sometimes. but you loved autumn.

You sent a voicemail. 

“Yo Kats. It’s over, I don’t have such strong feelings for you I just now realised, so uh, yeah. 

I hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you and whatever shit you say when you break up with someone. 

Bye.“

No hard feelings. 

...

After you sent it to Bakugo, you turned your phone off and fucked off to a far away library. 

Stupid of you to not turn your snapchat location off, because Izuku was using it right now as he ran away from the brown haired basic bitch Uraraka and her confession and he noticed that you were on your way to a laid back- but still- hero themed cafe near the end of the city. 

‘Now or never!‘, he thought as he quickly took some important things of himself, packed them in a backpack, plus the photos, and ran after you. 

...

You softly hummed to Chika’s Chika Chika dance song from ‘Love is war’ as you enjoyed the calm athmosphere while you made your way towards the cafe. 

A calm city was rare these days. And you felt good today. a content smile creeped itself on your face. 

Suddenly, you sensed somebody behind you, and you noticed a familiar mop of green hair running at you with full speed. And even though Deku was not using his quirk, he was pretty fast and would have almost caught up with you if you didn’t begin to run. 

‘So much for a good day.‘

But then, you stopped by the cafe, out of breath, with Deku holding his side as he came to you, panting. 

“Please...let me talk to you.“

Even though you were panting as well, you felt angry. 

“About what...that you’re...that you’re SO SORRY...that you didn’t notice...that you fucking ghosted me...?

Or...or o-or or, that you keep hanging out with the ‘smart kids’?

That you fucking ignored me? My texts? My voicemails?“

It was quiet as the two of you came down from your little marathon, both sitting next to each other on a nearby bench. 

“I’m sorry. I truly am. A-and I know that it won’t f-fix anything-but I just wanted to let you know. 

Also...Also,  I wanted to be friends with you again. S-start over. W-what do you think....?“

You shrugged. 

“*sigh* Why exactly do you want me to...hang out with you again?“

Izuku fidgeted with his hands and words before looking at you again. 

“So...So that we can be firends, I-I wanna go shopping with you again...and maybe...go the amusement park again...? A-a-and...share a...A crêpe?L-l-like we u-used to do in old times!”, his voice echoed in your head. 

You were still bitter about the past because the past never dies, and you were hungry now. without another word, you took the greenette’s hand and led him inside. There, you two sat next to each other in a quiet corner.

“We both know that I hate amusement parks, Izuku.”

“w-well, we could-”

“But I would like to go shopping with you again. How about tomorrow?” 

An eager nodding was directed to you. 

And then he smiled. Oh, what a smile.

...

“Are you hanging out with that extra now? after all he did to you? And is he the reason you broke up with me?”, the blonde snarled, glaring at you. He pulled you into his dorm room and locked the door for privacy.

“I think you’ve read too many romance novels, Bakugo. 

Do you really think that I’d catch feelings for you after you’ve comforted and kissed me in one night? Don’t be stupid. 

And also, yes. Izuku Midpriya is the reason I broke up with you. So, suck it up, loser.”, And with that, you left Katsuki in his dorm room. Of course, you went straight to Izuku’s. 

“So, Mido, you ready or nah.“, you called before entering. 

And you met naked walls. Not a single all might poster or toy. Not even the bed stuff was all might themed. 

“Uh...Izuku, did somebody rob you or something?“

“Oh, no, i-it was me..“, Izuku called when he stepped out of the bathroom. 

God why does he have to be shirtless and hot and cute and handsome and-

“Why exactly-like, why?“, you interrupted your own pervy thoughts. 

he chuckled dryly before making his way over to his wardrobe to put on a long sleeved shirt. “After I...saw you and Bakugo, I was...broken..? 

Sounds dramatic, but I just felt empty. After all, you’re the person closest to me. With  you, I always felt comfortable. I could say whatever I wanted, which was mostly mumbling and muttering about hero stuff, but you didn’t mind, and I..

I just, I really love that you’re a chill person, I love how you express your emotion, how you dress, how your deep voice sounds, I love you for your character and I love you.“

There was a short silence. When the greenette looked up at you, he saw that you were looking at him with a shocked expression. 

“What?”, he asked innocently, as if he didn’t just confess to you. 

“D-do I have something on my face? Gosh, I hope not...!“, And he hurriedly wiped at his face. 

Meanwhile, you tried to process this new information. 

after all these years, he was yearning after you. He loved you...!

You grabbed at your face with both your hands and closed your eyes. 

“Izuku. You know, that...you just confessed to me...right...?“

“...Huh?”, came out of his mouth before his face exploded in a deep red hue. “God, I-i am so so so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that! I mean, you’re still together with Kachan, and I just pushed you to promise me to be able to spend time with you, and a-again, I’m so sorry-”

You grabbed his hand, your eyes looking to the side. You lowered your head so that he couldn’t see your forming tears. You took a deep breath and looked at him with tears now running down your face.

“First o-of...Me and Bakugo-- we...-we--broke up?”, gosh you didn’t want your voice to go up, it only ever happened when you cried. You hated crying. 

With a small sniff, you continued. “Second of all, i-it was pre...pretty m-mean of you...a-and unfair...! And an-a-an asshole move to leave me alone!

I will not forgive you that anytime soon...!”, you let go of his hands and wiped away your tears harshly. 

“And third...you are bad at keeping the environment safe, Mido.“

OKAY IT IS GOING A LIL HOT IN HERE; WE WILL NOW DO THE IMPOSSIBLE; MAKING OUT WITH MIDORIYA:DD

At that, the both of you giggled and you hugged the shy young man.

As usual, Izuku blushed, because he was half naked (shirtless), you were hugging him- did- did you just-feel him up?

“Uh...hey...“, he trailed off, but he quickly shut up when he saw your seductive gaze. 

You sighed, gently pushing the flustered to onto his bed-he was sitting at the edge now- and took a seat on his thighs, straddling his hips.

“Uh...um...I...wh-what are you doing...“, he started, but soon stopped to concentrate on how your fingers felt on his skin. 

You felt up his abs, then his chest, his collarbone, before cupping his face gently. 

“You’re very hot, y’know that Mido?“, you said quietly, listening to the cute sounds the freckled boy made. 

Izuku stuttered, laughing nervously and then whimpered a little when you messed with his hair. 

“Hm...cute boy.”, Izuku smiled. He loved that you didn’t judge him, his scars, his green hair, his nerdyness. You just...accepted him. even after he left you. 

He gently took your hands and looked you deep in the eyes. “Izuku...? Did i hurt you?”, you asked, feeling guilt that you may have pulled at some of his locks too roughly. you were literally just massaging his scalp and neck area bitch

“N-no, I just...I wanted to say that I truly am sorry, and I...want to...k-kiss you?”

You smirked. “Why not sweetie~?”

You softly and slowly paced your lips on his, as he embraced you and you hugged his neck. You both closed your eyes in bliss. 

Even though Izuku’s lips were soft, you could feel some loose or crusty skin and one busted lip (a wound he got from training with momo, she attacked him with her blades and accidently cut open his lip), but otherwise, it felt good. 

It felt right. 

It felt amazing. You smiled into the kiss, lifting one hand to stroke his jawline and Izuku let his hands wander up and down your sides.

Breaking the kiss, you guys took a few seconds before going at each other again, but this time with more passion, kissing much more feverishly, and Izuku pressed you flush against him, slowly taking control.

Izuku broke the kisses more and more often, openly smacking your face ticklishly with his lips. After he covered your face with his sewwt little pecs, did he start to sensually make out with you again. 

And if that wasn’t enough, he darted his tongue out, with the wet muscle of his creeping into your mouth, and your tongues tangled with each other, getting drunk on the taste of the other person.

the room was soon filled with moans from eacher side of you, groping, clawing and grabbing from both parties, and at some point, you even grinded down on the nerd, making him cry out loud and moaning loudly right after you did it again. 

the rest of the night is up to your imagination.

...

How was that? I hope it wasn’t too weird, english is not my first language and I felt like this was kinda long. 

I don’t feel like doing a second part now, so byeeee!

[kaguya-muneuji]

ok i will ramble abt my ocs as promised

so long story short how i thought of them is. i saw the word digital somewhere on a sign and i misread it as digigal so uh. hey can you tell where this is going (no) anyway . so in this world i have created theres like this company called DigiPal that makes robot friends and usually theyre acessible to some extent..? like you can rent one i guess. most use digipals as like temporary friends?? or as caretakers . yeah those exist! they can also be customized for certain tasks / objectives and also visually customized (i literally cannot think of a better way to put that im so sorry) but theyre like REALLY REALLY expensive that way

so ANYWAY this girl. i do not know her name. but on a whim in a depressive spiral she. buys one. and she fully customizes it too. yes this part is important beAR WITH ME ;_; and usually a fully customized digipal takes +3 months to code/manufacture and she wholeheartedly believed shed be in her apartment alone for her indefinite future. i dunno what went thru her brain honestly but i guess she did that. wow im talking about an oc like its not my own character!! so fun! ok yea

so. actually i have no idea how to explain this part. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BASICALLY the digipal has 2 sets of code- their like example-based programming and an a.i learning type thing. i guess you could think of it like chara.cter ai?? but yeah something with this digipal's a.i got Fucky and basically forced the human manufacturers to give it a more feminine body. ok now do u see where im going with this.

so while this digipal (who calls herself digigal now) is shipped to this girl's apartment, she (the girl) gets a roommate (who i have in my notes as roommate. none of these girls have got names!!!) and by this point which is like 4 months later, the girl is doing better off now that she has her roommate and they help each other its a mutual benefit and also theyre basically dating but neither of them know it !! OK back to digigal who i keep calling digigirl in my head. ive also been calling her digi so. yeah anyway digi arrives in this MASSIVE box and the roommate opens the door to their apartment and is like ??? what the hell is this thing and the girl is liike I CAN EXPLAIN. anyway all 3 of them eventually get into a loving relationship w each other :D!

ok basically my thought process went: digigal -> oh fun! robot girl :) -> what if she was a robot GIRLFRIEND -> wait what if she was trans. wait how do i get to that. -> wait what if she had TWO girlfriends AND HERE WE ARE. ok heres what they look like!! first is digi, second is the roommate, and last one is the girl (i need names for them aaaaaaaaaaaa)

i had a lot of trouble designing the last one but its fine!!! and these are just concept drawings anyway. ok im. how do i end this off. uh. hm. uhhhhh LESBIANS FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[easydoesit-rn]

So, I just watched this video on TikTok titled "Reasons why I don't like this generation :(" Talking about gen Z and all the reasons are bs. Don't get me wrong, most of them are awful things that really suck but they been going on for ages.

First one: "Everything becomes a trend, even mental disorders and depression"

Yes, that sucks, a lot, and we definitely need to do something about it. But silly trends and trends that put at risk the health are not something new.

"Social approval is the most important thing..." SINCE WHEN? It was not this generation that started this. My family is traumatized because their parents tried to beat the autism out of their bodies to make them "normal". If anything, from my point of view, this is less normalized now .

"Infidelity is normalized and people even make jokes and congratulate you about it"

Buddy, my great grandfather cheated on my great grandma and their friends helped him hide it and felt proud of him. There are old songs and puns about infidelity, talking of it as if it was some sort of joke.

"Good people get hurt for people that are not worth it"

This just... gives me "Good boy" vibes. "GirlS nOW OnlY daTe asShoLeS insTeAd of Good guYs like mE"

"There are less people with dreams of their own, they are influenced by others"

I really doubt babies are born and think "OH, I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE DURING MY LIFETIME" of course they're influenced by others. How is this a problem!?

"They'll do anything to be accepted" are you serious now?

Yes, this happens, and its awful, and nobody should have to do anything, specially anything harmful, to feel accepted. But during ages, people have done the unimaginable to feel accepted. Or they have been forced to.

"They'll have sex with anyone, even if they are not in love(...) love is dying"

That is GREAT! Because romantic love doesn't equals sex and sex doesn't equals romantic love. You don't like to have sex with people you don't love? Cool. Let others enjoy their sexualities, as long as they're protecting themselves and being responsible with their partners, they're not doing anything wrong.

And who's this "gen Z" anyway?? Where did the concept originate, how many countries and cultural backgrounds are being considered? It just feels weird to me that millions of children, teenagers and young adults are classified as having certain traits and behavior.

[emmythespacecowgirl]

hi emmy!! ♡ I hope you're doing well !! I wanted to ask for a ship, preferably for the Pacific :) um so here's some information on me!

Brief description of my looks; Curly hair that's brown with highlights of blonde and red. It's like a mixture of my parents hair colours. I am tall, 175cm. Fashion wise; Starting to get into more of some sort of punk fashion. I like fashion in general but punk fashion has been especially cool as of late, imo. Band tees!! I wait for the day a pretentious man asks me for songs by the hand; I'll list a whole album to spite the man. My friend calls me her scary dog privilege !! The same friend (I love her sm) labeled my eyes sea glass. My facial expressions are either sorrowful or a bit stand-offish. No in-between.

Personality; As you can tell I can be talkative but in that same sense, I am very quiet. I enjoy observing rather than speaking. I am a bit shy and tend to blush rather easily. Oftentimes, people find me to be therapeutic which has its ups and downs. I have the tendency to act like a leader, it just comes naturally? Especially if there are people much younger than me in a group setting. I love making jokes. I love seeing people smile and enjoy the moment, that's the most beautiful sight. I have photoshopped cowboy hats onto pictures of my friends & set those photos as their contact pictures. I don't think this is a personality trait but I'll say it; I am Jewish. Oh! So important thing to me; Music!! I listen to music all the time. Some bands I enjoy include; the pogues, the clash, second thoughts, the ramones, joy division, stone roses. The list goes on, actually here's a band name that'll make you laugh; "The nipples erectors" um, don't ask me lmao. Anyway!! I'm an equestrian, english discipline. Oh, I love geography!! I'm trying to memorize the world map. I write. Like a lot. I'm passionate about a lot... oh yeah, I suppose I need to mention I struggle with depression & have a baggage that I'd rather not say out loud... but it exists and greatly distorts how I view my body. also if this helps; I'm an infp and type 3 enneagram.

Anyway, thanks!! Mwah!!

Hi babe!! honestly i feel like you and i would be fashion twins irl!! your style sounds so cool ngl <3

I ship you with:

Bob Leckie from The Pacific!

ship theme song: She's My Religion by Pale Waves

okay Leckie lowkey needs and craves a punk bitch gf!!

the man tries so hard to be an edgelord stg

he needs a punk queen in his life!!!

i feel like he would just see you walking down the street one day

and he's just like

"god damn... this girl is my QUEEN"

is it your sea glass-colored eyes that captivated him first?

or your ripped fishnets and doc martens??

who can say???

dude probably writes romantic emo poetry about you at 2am in his bedroom

literally pining after you and he works up the nerve to finally ask you out

like Leckie, you're either very quiet or a chatterbox

no in between

he appreciates your quietness and conversation equally

Leckie thinks its so dang cute when you blush

so he tries to make you blush often

over the most stupid stuff, too!

he loves going on double dates with you and Runner and his gf

or Chuckler and his gf

and your natural leadership tendencies take over

he'll just smile at you stupidly

but inside he's just like

"oh yeah... that's my dang gf >:)"

he's so intrigued by your Jewish heritage

he loves going to Passover at your family's place each year

your parents are totally smitten with him

but his most favorite thing to do with you is to go to the record store on Saturdays

he'll let you pick out as many records as you want

and will gladly buy them for you

depend on Leckie to fuel your music addiction >:)

he loves how passionate you are about everything you do

he considers himself really lucky to know a girl like you <3

also, Leckie is deals with his own certain type of baggage

so he's no stranger to anxiety and depression

he hopes that you'll share your worries and doubts with him

and he'll be open and truthful with you as well :)

[sacmaliklarim]

It's good to have feelings.

I am trying to remind myself that again and again nowadays. It's nice to have feelings. It's nice to experience love. It's alright that it needs to be over and you still can't stop thinking about a specific person.

It's the human experience. All is the human experience.

It's hard to date nowadays. I don't know if it has ever been easy, if it is the society, if it is the technology or if we are going to a downfall altogether since individualism becomes the norm. Probably all true but doesn't matter. A simple fact remains: It's hard to date nowadays.

It's also hard to make friends nowadays. I try to be friendly but then I turn into an aggressively friendly person. I try to stop and then I turn into an antisocial. I don't know where the balance lies and I don't know how to figure it out.

It's hard to start over and decide to a country where you are going to be minority. A well-known minority. A Turkish person. A Turkish person in Western Europe. There are people literally calling us "cockroaches" as if we infested their country. It's not different than being a Syrian in Turkey so I am not going to go ahead and tell that these people are racist. They obviously are, but then who isn't?

Turkish people are racist too. Just not towards the Europeans. Not towards the white whites.

It would be nice to be white white. Western European white. No hair in their back white.

It would be nice to be a Dutch girl. A tall one with blonde hair. It would make things easier, that's for certain.

I meet all kinds of interesting people here. I talk to them because that's what I do. I interview. I learn. I do that even if people don't ask questions back to me sometimes. It can be more comforting not to explain. But then sometimes it's comforting to explain. It's all about the balance.

I met this old German-Dutch dude. I actually didn't meet with him. I literally live with him. The thing that is actually different with Western European dudes and Turkish dudes is, they can be clean. There is more of a chance of finding a clean guy comparing to Turkey.

Anyways, focus on the topic. Focus.

Did I mention I suspect that I might have ADHD? Now I have to convince a psychiatrist so that they would test me. It would explain the obsessions too.

Fucking obsessions.

Anyways, this German-Dutch dude is a traveller. He's been travelling for the last 20 years but he still was no so aware that sometimes, for some people it's not so easy to find a job or get a visa. Sometimes you have to work.

I feel like that's a difference that I feel very deeply when I am with Western European white people. It feels like anything is possible for them, and they are definitely aware of that.

They exercise, they don't smoke, they live healthy.

They travel, they discover and they keep journals.

They actually are on a higher place in the Maslow's hierarchy. They discover their purpose, they discover themselves. They actually do shit, and they are happy.

On the other hand, me and my Turkish friends, me and my Turkish family, we just live. It's just another day and then it's just another 20 years.

It's really depressing to think about. When I tell that to my mom she says: Well, you can become one of them now!

And I say: Yeah, that's the goal, right?

That's such bullshit though. Who am I kidding? I will never become one of them. I will always be a Turkish girl, a Turkish woman. Maybe a "different kind of Turkish woman" if I am lucky. As if it is anything better, as if I would like hearing that.

Who wants to be a pick-me Turk? I don't.

If I could choose, I wouldn't be Turkish, which is funny, because that's against anything that I have been taught since I am a child. Be proud of being Turkish. Turkish blood, the honorable blood in your fucking veins. Be proud!

It's just nationalistic propaganda and maybe the Dutchies don't have it to the same extent. Maybe not about their blood at least. But also, it's good to be aware of it as a psychological phenomena. We all have it. We all are somewhat proud and we all have our in-group biases.

It's culture. It's for survival, all of it has a purpose.

I wasn't talking about that tho, what was I talking about?

I was talking about, yeah. I am not proud of being Turkish, I don't remember a time that I was necessarily proud after I was 14. But I never really had a giant problem with my identity either.

That's actually not true. I also had problems with it when I was doing my exchange in Poland, but it was different, because when I was returning from that exchange the feelings that I had was completely different. I was happy about being a Turk.

I missed the songs, missed the cuisine, missed my friends and missed the streets. I was happy that I had all of that and I was happy to return.

And now, I have this weird feeling about my identity in my chest. It's not like what I experienced in Poland, it's different. It's not just about being a stranger, it's not just about being a tourist.

It's being one of them. One of the Turks. One of the disgusting Turkish that tooot their cars. One of those who closed the Rotterdam bridge because of a political bullshit that wasn't about the country they were living in. One of the poors living in their poor streets. One of the barbers or cleaning ladies. One of the barbarians. One of those with the loud weddings. One of those that bully their kids. One of the homophobics. One of the muslims. One of those who couldn't integrate. One of those we don't want in the country because they ruin our beautiful culture.

It's hard out here. Noone actually says anything, but you feel that you are one of them whenever someone asks where you are from and asks you a question out of curiosity. "Do you support Erdogan?" "Do you mind if I cook with pork?" Out of curiosity, out of respect. Nothing wrong with that.

I am one of the Turks, but the Turks here don't even accept me. I am also not one of them, to them. I am Westernized, I am ruined by the idealization of Western values which turned me into who I am, an atheist pork-eater leftist Turk.

Weird things indeed. I can write about it for hours and it's worth writing about it for hours. I need to. At one point.

Just not at this point because I need to study.

Met vriendelijke groeten,

Esin

[babydinojojo]

Day 9(4/25/24)

There's a lot going on in my head now and I need to get it down. I love Van Van a lot... I do... I really do from the bottom of my heart and tonight... ugh ion know where tf to begin. But I now know the reason why. And I'm glad... It's just well... I want Van Van to express himself and I don't want to force him too if he doesn't want too... Maybe that's why I got so upset and triggered... He did not let me down in any way shape and or form...(The off feeling is gone thank god).... But I know why it happens thankfully... Idk but sometimes when I'm not told why certain things happen... It just upsets me a lot and it gets me very impatient... Fuck.... The last thing I want is to be controlling over my own boyfriend Van. I'd actually kms if I end up trying to control her and force him to tell me what's wrong... I do NOT want to do that period and I don't plan on it.... It's just the pain from other relationships was why I got so upset fuck... Fuck those bitches respectfully....

I love Van Van more than anything and anyone in the ENTIRE world with all my heart no matter what ok? And that will never change, and Van if you're reading this... I'm not gonna ever force you to express yourself or anything for that matter... I'm sorry for what you gone through and you had to get used to closing yourself off... That poor boy... I wish I could just go back in time and make sure he never has to go through ANY of his traumatic events and relationships... I'd do anything just for him and hell I'd bend space and time for that nigga if I want too.

Javo... Javo gives me the fucking ICK! Like somethings off with that nigga I just fucking know it. He gives me bad vibes I don't know why.... Like the predator vibes OR the stay away from them vibes... Like I don't know... But I wanna keep Van away from him. I mean ngl he was cool when Van first talked about him... But then he started getting depressed and shit... Threatened to kill himself and not to mention the nigga just spat in his face when he LITERALLY was busting his ass for him. What Piece of Shit Javo really is. Van didn't deserve that, he already had ENOUGH people spitting in his fucking face. He's a wonderful fucking person with the mindset of a fucking Angel and has a huge ass heart. If he was a kitty I would pamper him with kisses every day and tell him how cute he is... I wish I can tell him at every moment how much I love him and I appreciate him in my life... He's made such an impact and I thank him for it... He's just amazing.... I thank god and fate for having our paths cross together and have us date... I couldn't have asked for a better partner than Van...

But yea Javo gives me the fucking ick. Like he gives off pedo vibes for some reason.... Nigga really trying to be friends and gaslight a 16 year old into being his friend... Like what a fucking weirdo. Van wants nothing to do with his grandpa looking headass. Like come on bro. Hell like I mentioned before... I wanna keep Javo away from him. I don't know... Again I don't trust Javo one bit. And it's not about him taking Van away from me... It's about him putting Van's safety in danger and at risk. He was cool at first but now... Something just doesn't seem right with him.... Like he's talking with someone else potentially underage just cause he can't find love..... Idk... I wanna confront him but I don't think Van would like that... Ugh... Fucking Javo.... Javo... If you EVER touch my Van Van in anyway or hurt her physically or mentally I'll end you... In a very gruesome way... :)....

Okay Anyways.... Van's Asleep now which is good... he deserves some rest after what he's been through tonight... the poor boy.... he really loves me... And he thought he let me down... the truth is... he didn't let me down, but I didn't either. Today was just a good day with a bad ending, but that's okay couples always have bad days, and I know tomorrow we'll bounce back and have a better day. I know we will, and hey our 10 month anniversary is coming up very VERY soon and hey... we're almost at a full year... just 2 more months.... 2 more..... and hey... I got something big planned for Van Van... and on the one year Anniversary of the Rp as well. Yea that one we're going back to Our world that day and we are doing a renewing of our vows and a beautiful family dinner with everyone... it's a shame we killed off Dexi/Dexter... kinda wanna bring his ass back tbh along with Gab- WAIT SPEAKING OF GABE HOW TF DOES DUKE KNOW ABOUT FUCKING GABE 😭😭😭😭😭 HOW?!?!? HOW?!!!!.

Okay I need to go Nini now. Tbh here I feel like tomorrow mwe bwe bwaby wif Van Van.... Owh Fiddlesticks mwe wegwessed ;;-;;... Bweh..... Owh well mwe go Nini now... Nini fwiends.... Nini Van Van Jojo wubs chuuu eepy well....