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angstyaches · 4 years

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first of all, hi! found you today and i’m obsessed! for a christmas or general drabble, what about a character just absolutely overwhelmed by the holiday snafu? i’m imagining charlie, but whoever you think it most fits - on top of an already anxious tummy & mind, the lights are too bright, the chatter too loud, it’s too crowded, it’s too hot and too much. cue overstimulation, a sick belly, and lots of sweet, grounding comfort (of ofc getting whisked out of there). tysm for your stories! 💖

I would have LOVED to write this for Charlie, but Shayne is so much more likely to react like this. And I pushed it to New Year’s, since I ran out of time for the Christmas drabbles. Thank you so much for the adorable prompt 🖤

CW: anxiety, alcohol mention, self-deprecating thoughts, mention of homophobia, overwhelmed character, emeto

“Shayne?”

My relatives are noisy, but they’re sweet, for the most part, Charlie had said.

“Hey, Shayne?”

I haven’t even come out to them, so they’re probably not gonna ask if you’re my – well, they’re not gonna ask anything like that, Charlie had said, before getting embarrassed and looking away.

A gentle hand touched Shayne’s arm, making him jump on the spot. Shayne blinked at it, and then at Charlie. His blue eyes were shiny with concern.

The look made Shayne’s stomach feel funny; it was like a hundred weights had just been released from under his ribs, and they were all dropping through his belly at the same time. The more he thought about it, the more he realised this feeling had been lingering for a while, waiting for the right moment to make him feel like the ground was swaying beneath him.

Charlie nodded towards Trevor, who was standing just in front of them. “What do you want to drink?”

Gathering the will with some effort, Shayne looked up at Trevor, who was waiting patiently with a hand over his wallet. Shit. How long had he been spaced out for?

“Sorry, um – can I just get some water, please?”

“’Course,” Trevor nodded. “And a Fanta and rum, Charlie?”

“Yep! Thanks, Dad. We’ll grab a table.”

Shayne pressed a hand to his stomach as he followed Charlie across the room, despairing quietly at the fact that the sinking feeling wasn’t going away. His legs felt a little shaky too, and he couldn’t wait to sit down and try to calm himself.

They passed so many tables – all complete with piles of paper coasters and little “no smoking” plaques – that Shayne couldn’t figure out what Charlie’s criteria could possibly include. The place was empty for now, but soon it would fill up with the members of Charlie’s family – from Trevor’s side, Ingrid’s side, and Trevor’s ex-wife’s side. Shayne couldn’t picture how many people would be there, but there was seating for at least sixty.

Finally, Charlie located a suitable table, and they both sat close to the wall, on the cushioned bench.

Charlie shrugged off his coat, which was light denim on the outside and white fake fur on the inside. There was an artificial heat in the hired function room, but Shayne didn’t want to relinquish the layer of protection that was his own jacket; it was just synthetic leather, but he knew he’d feel even more anxious if he took it off.

What he wanted was to put his head down on the table and wait for the awful feeling in his stomach to pass, but the thought of drawing attention to himself, or making Charlie worry about him, kept him from doing so.

He also resisted the urge to try and work the tension out of his body by cracking his jaw, and settled for slinking a little lower in his seat and putting his hands in his pockets. Charlie’s silence was freaking him out a bit; Shayne wondered if he was dwelling on their earlier conversation as much as he was. Maybe it was just him, but it felt like everything they’d never discussed was hanging around them like a heavy cloud.

His stomach did a little flip as he worked himself up to ask; “You okay?”

Charlie’s gaze diverted across the room, and a sick-looking grimace crossed his face. “I was better about ten seconds ago. My great-aunt Ursula just got rolled in.”

Shayne hesitantly turned his head. At the entrance to the function room, an old lady in a wheelchair was, indeed, being pushed through the pub, surrounded by a group of people ranging from early twenties to mid-fifties.

“Wildly homophobic,” Charlie sighed. There was a hint of resigned humour in his voice, but the statement still made Shayne’s stomach turn over again.

Several groups seemed to have arrived at the same time and were still greeting each other; some were kissing one another on the cheek and hugging, and every one of them was emitting a noise of some kind. A few had small children pulling at their legs, while the older children were glued to phones.

“You wanna meet everyone in one go? Get it over and done with?” Charlie asked. “Baptism of fire?”

Shayne’s stomach dropped so hard that he felt a slight retch pull at the back of his throat. He couldn’t, in that moment, think of anything he wanted to do less, but he couldn’t exactly voice that to Charlie. In the same way, he couldn’t have turned down the invitation to the party, not while he was the Waters’ guest. It seemed he couldn’t do anything without coming across as cold and rude and grumpy and...;

“Or you can stay and guard our table,” Charlie half-laughed.

“Would that be okay?” Shayne knew it was the wrong answer, and he gave it anyway.

“Sure, don’t worry about it.” Charlie slid off the bench and circled around to the front of the table. “I’ll be back in a few. Dad should be over with the drinks soon, too.”

Shayne sank a little lower on the bench as he watched Charlie go. He wanted Charlie to glance back at him on the way, but he didn’t, and anyway, he was being such an asshole he didn’t deserve it. Didn’t even deserve a glance. Probably didn’t deserve the water he’d asked for, or the warm food Ingrid had served up before they’d all left for the party.

Looking like the moodiest, most out-of-place person in a room that suddenly held about forty, Shayne wished he could be in any mindset but the one he was currently in.

Unfortunately, mindsets didn’t quite work like that, and this one kept him on edge for the duration of the party. Although for Shayne, it was less of a party and more like a prolonged, torturous countdown to the new year. He hung out with Charlie when he could, but as the night wore on, he saw less and less of him. Between brief introductions to people whose names went right over his head, and short encounters with energetic little kids who had clearly been given too many fizzy drinks, Shayne was positive that he’d met more people in those few hours than he had in the past entire year of his life.

He was grateful that Charlie didn’t seem to expect him to hang around anyone for too long, but he was also disappointed in himself for taking every escape that was offered to him. Charlie was so bright and happy and social, and his family all seemed to adore him so much; meanwhile, Shayne was his weird friend wearing all black and slinking off to the corner at every opportunity.

He also let Charlie drag him out to dance a couple of times, but it was nothing like the little dancing sessions Felix sometimes held at the townhouse; Shayne could barely bring himself to dance in private, let alone here, in front of so many strangers. In front of Charlie.

Feeling out of place was bad enough, but even worse than that was that his belly had stopped dropping, and had started to hurt quite a lot. The very last thing he wanted was to end up locked in the bathroom throwing up, but between meeting so many people and navigating the now darkened, disco-light-laden function room, it was getting hard to control the nausea. A DJ had set up in the room a few hours ahead of the midnight countdown, and the music was so, so loud. Shayne couldn’t understand why it needed to be so fucking loud –

“Got you a Sprite!”

He looked up from the table to see a blue light cast over Ingrid’s face as she sat in a chair opposite him.

“I’ll get you something stronger, if you want it!” she yelled over the music, leaning over the table a little. “I’m the designated driver, but I’m happy to drink vicariously through you.”

Shayne tried for an amused hum and shook his head as he took the glass of sparkling clear liquid from her. “I’m good, thank you.”

“It’s shit, isn’t it? The party.” Ingrid rolled her eyes at herself as soon as the words were out. “I can’t wait to get out of here, once the countdown is done. If we can both hang in there until then, we’ll grab Charlie and make our escape. How’s that sound?”

Shayne nodded, sipping gratefully on the drink she’d brought him. Leaving right after midnight sounded wonderful. The cold bubbles settling in his stomach felt good, too, and so did knowing that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t wait to leave.

As Ingrid flashed him a smile over her own glass, he wondered if this was the point where Charlie would tell his mother he was feeling sick, and sad, and overwhelmed. He wanted to tell her. He wanted her to take him home, and let him stay there forever instead of sending him back to the Aldridges.

He was broken out of his thoughts when the woman at the next table, who was holding a baby, reached over and tapped Ingrid on the shoulder. Ingrid turned in her chair and exclaimed the woman’s name – which Shayne immediately forgot – and the two of them started chatting close to each other’s ears.

Shayne finished his drink and sat back in his seat. With nothing else to focus on, the music seemed to blare even harder from the speakers, drumming through his head like something was physically beating against either side of his skull. The heaving sounds seemed to rattle his insides too, and the lyrics he couldn’t quite make out hurtled dizzyingly through his head.

Suddenly, the DJ was speaking too, his voice booming through the microphone; as impossible as it seemed, his words were louder than the music itself.

“Alright, folks, we’ve got ninety seconds until midnight.”

Shayne looked up, instantly needing to close his eyes for a few seconds as coloured lights swung over the table – purple, then red, and then a sickly-bright yellow – before scattering across the small dancefloor area.

The handful of Charlie’s relatives who were dancing ranged from pre-teen cousins attempting to perform a routine in-sync, and aunts and uncles swaying over glasses of alcohol. Everyone else was standing by the bar or lingering near tables, leaning in and tucking hair behind their ears as they tried to have conversations over the music. They all started to gather a little more tightly now that the countdown was imminent, and the excitement in the room was almost electric.

Shayne didn’t feel excited. He felt like he wanted to cry.

Ingrid raised her eyebrows as he got to his feet and got out from behind the table. He paused and leaned back over to tell her;

“I’m going to find Charlie.”

“Alright, hon!” Ingrid winked and gave a little wave. “See you in the new year, eh?”

He found Charlie in the lobby, where some of the younger party guests were pulling at his legs and trying to tackle him to the ground. He had a girl of about six years old in his arms, balanced against his hip. Shayne wasn’t sure how Charlie’s relatives had so many children, or how Charlie seemed to have become a babysitter for the duration of the party.

“Hey,” Charlie grinned as he lowered the little girl to the ground, letting her tear away after her brother. Or cousin. Shayne didn’t have a good grasp on how all of these people were related. “Go find your mammy for the countdown, okay?”

The kids pushed at each other and laughed as they ran back towards the function room, shoes slapping hollowly on the carpeted floor. They didn’t even glance at Shayne as they rounded him, as though he was just a statue.

“Sorry, I was going to come and find you, but I completely lost track of the time,” Charlie laughed. He gave a deep sigh and his smile faltered. “You been doing okay?”

The hollow, sick feeling in his stomach made Shayne hesitate. Even here, where the air was a little cooler and everything was a little quieter, nothing was calming down in his head or in his belly.

Charlie’s face was falling, and he was coming closer. Shayne had to decide if he was going to lean in or pull back, and all of the possibilities of how each of these options would play out went hurtling through his head.

“I…”

Voices began chanting from the function room.

Ten, nine –

A sharp pull of some dark, twisting emotion in his tummy made him wince, and in a last-bid attempt to escape everything, to just disappear, to cease existing, he lifted his hands to his face and just covered his eyes.

Eight –

He didn’t disappear.

Instead, he felt Charlie embrace him gently, without wrapping his arms all the way around. He held him through seven, six, five –

“Charlie?” Shayne whispered, nausea and tearfulness causing his voice to come out sounding deep and slightly hoarse.

Four –

“I - I can’t.”

Three –

Charlie nodded. “Let’s go outside.”

Shayne was pretty sure he had never gripped Charlie’s hand as hard as he did now. He was definitely sure that he’d never wished harder that he could be someone else. Someone who wouldn’t get completely overwhelmed by a roomful of people who were literally just yelling out numbers.

Two –

Someone who wouldn’t have burst into tears by the time they got to the front entrance of the hotel, where glass doors opened out into a streetlight-hazed carpark. Where the chaos from inside seemed to fade away into nothingness, as though the party – as though New Year’s Eve itself – had suddenly been cancelled.

Charlie let out a small noise of confusion as Shayne’s hand slipped free of his. He let out a slightly louder noise as Shayne turned towards one of the prickly, waxy-leaved bushes and doubled over, coughing up water and Sprite and whatever he’d eaten of Ingrid’s casserole before they’d left home.

He cried harder the more he retched, and he began to choke on the sobs as the heaving stopped and the crying continued.

He was shivering and hugging himself by the time Charlie took him by the arm and guided him to the edge of the curb by the taxi pick-up point. Even after being sick, he still had that dreadful feeling, like he was falling from a hundred stories high. He buried his head under his arms as they sat down, pulling his knees up to his chin.

“Shayne.” Charlie moved a little closer, so that their shoulders brushed slightly against one another. “I’ve got you. I’m here.”

The sound of Charlie’s voice should have been soothing, but it only seemed to add guilt on top of everything bad he was already feeling.

“I promise, everything is fine,” Charlie whispered. His fingertips began to work their way through Shayne’s hair, searching for the warmth of the nape of his neck.

The touch was light, but made it a little easier to focus. Shayne managed to close his eyes without frowning.

“Everything’s fine,” Charlie said again, tracing tiny circles just above the collar of Shayne’s jacket. “Did - did you just start feeling sick all of a sudden?”

“Mmm, no.” Shayne shivered as Charlie stroked his neck, hating himself for enjoying something he didn’t deserve. “My stomach’s been feeling weird since we got here. Nervous.”

Charlie gave a light sigh. “It’s okay. A lot of people don’t do well with crowds and noise.”

“It’s not just that, though. I’m not –” The swirling emptiness was creeping up into Shayne’s chest now, and his arms and legs felt impossibly heavy. “I’m not… I’m not enough for you, Charlie.”

“For me?” Charlie chuckled softly, resting his forehead against Shayne’s shoulder. “Lovely, I – I think about this all the time. I always think that I’m never going to be strong enough, or brave enough, to be worthy of you.”

Shayne gulped back a sob and picked up his head, even though Charlie’s face was still hidden against his shoulder.

“That’s –” Shayne sniffed and blinked tears from his eyelashes. The sobs in his throat melted into something that felt like low, wobbly laughter. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Charlie was grinning when he lifted his face, tiny creases outlining the corners of his eyes. A light blush coloured his cheeks. “See what I mean?”

Shayne shrugged as he brushed tears away with his sleeves. His brain was firing all the wrong things in all the wrong directions. The epiphany wasn’t happening, and he felt that somehow, he was letting Charlie down yet again.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I even made us miss the fucking countdown.”

“That’s okay. It’s not important.” Charlie shrugged, fingertips tracing down Shayne’s forearm before gliding into the palm of his hand. “We can have our own countdown, if you want.”

Shayne glanced away, at nothing in particular. “What, now?”

Charlie nodded. “From three, okay? Three.”

He looked at Charlie again, noticing how intensely he was watching him. He tightened his fingers around Charlie’s, brushing his thumb back and forth across a knuckle. “Two?”

Charlie’s eyes darted downwards before his lips parted. “One.”

“Happy New Year, Charlie.” Shayne was just thinking how he wished he hadn’t just thrown up; otherwise he might have maybe considered thinking about –

Charlie’s lips closed over Shayne’s, the movement careful and slow. Each of their breaths pulled sharply, and then Shayne jerked back, covering his mouth with the back of his hand that wasn’t tangled up with Charlie’s. He looked at Charlie’s shy smile and realised the new feeling rising up in him wasn’t quite nausea or anxiety, but something a lot softer. Fluttery. Happy.

“Happy New Year, lovely,” Charlie whispered.

#sickfic #anxiety #emeto #emeto sickfic #sick boys #stomach ache fic #anxious stomach #swallow the world #Shayne #Charlie #holiday sickfic #Happy New Year to you if you've read this far in the fucking tags lmao

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mimssides · 4 years

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Life on Crow Avenue: Part 10

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Warning: Description of a car accident! Self-deprecating tendencies form Remus and Roman! Mention of abusive and homophobic parents!

A particular graphic description of Roman’s injuries is marked in the text like this, so you might skip it if you need to.

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A few minutes of silence followed after they all had sat down around the table. Remus was fumbling with his fingers and Patton was playing with the thought of interfering with that when Logan suddenly asked: “Do we need to keep it down so Roman will not be bothered by our conversation?”

Remus looked up and pulled his eyebrows up.

“Nah. He’s one of those people who can lie down and are just knocked out. He’s probably asleep for some minutes by now,” Remus explained and leaned back in his chair.

A short moment passed, little noises from the five men sitting and adjusting themselves in their seats.

“Is there a moment where it started? Like, for you to have these thoughts of, uhm-” Virgil asked out of the blue just to for Janus to swat him in the arm and Remus cut him off with a little laugh.

“These thoughts of me killing myself? When that started?” Remus completed the question for Virgil and continued before any of the three others could tell him he did not have to talk about it. “I’m impressed that you go for the direct route. Usually when I only mention that the stupid jokes are more than that people just straight up walk away. You’re impressively brave, kid…”

Remus chuckled a bit and ran his fingers through his hair, nervously rubbing his feet together under the table. He felt itchy and weird. A little as if he stood next to himself, as if he wasn’t quite sure who he was.

A breath in. A breath out. Here he was.

He looked up to Virgil and then to his side, to Patton and Logan. Lastly to Janus. Remus smiled and titled his head. Shrugged.

“I suppose, I can tell you how it started but it’s not going to be fun,” Remus then said and watched the reactions of the others.

Janus was reserved but did not seem like he would interject. Virgil looked fearful and so did Patton. And Logan-

“What does ‘it’s not going to be fun’ mean? Could you be less vague?”

Logan was cautious but interested. The spirit behind these glasses, so sharp, so unyielding. So much more interested in him than Remus had ever dared to hope.

“Oh well,” Remus answered pushing his thoughts aside, “the usual fun stuff: homophobic parents, a car crash in which I lost a part of my hearing, a bit of homelessness and that junk. You know. Just the regular.”

They all held their breath. Except for Remus, who grinned and took a sip from the glass of water in front of him. It was easier to smile through it. It stopped him from crying.

“Still wanna listen?”

The answer was no. Nobody ever wanted to listen. Hell, Roman did not want to listen or talk about it. And Remus understood why. It was hard and heavy and it hurt him. He could not just unload all of it on him. He was carrying enough as it was. And even less so he could do this to those men around the table.

“Yes, very much so.”

Remus jerked his head up and stared at Logan. Logan looked at him so intently, so sincerely and added seeing the confusion in Remus’s face: “I understand you want to talk about it. I will offer you my ear and I am prepared for what you will tell us. It is fine, Remus. Please share with us what you need to share.”

Remus blinked disoriented and then felt how his hand was clasped in Patton’s and he looked to Patton. He gave him an encouraging nod paired with a wavery smile and Remus did not know what this was. What was happening.

He frowned and at once had a hand put on his shoulder. It was Patton’s, he had moved it up form his hand, and through all the numbness he had felt thorough today, an itsy bitsy, tiny spark of something light up inside of him. Remus thought that it had no right to be there.

“Lo’s right. If you need to you can tell us. We offered our help and if we couldn’t give it, we wouldn’t have stayed here. I promise you, Remus,” Patton said so gently and Remus looked over to Janus.

He would disagree, Remus was sure. But when he looked at him, he just gave a nod with is lips pressed together in a firm line and Remus took a moment to realize the meaning of that. That he possibly could tell his story.

As if he was in a trance Remus’s eyes landed back on Virgil and the young man nodded in agreement as the others did. So, it was settled. Remus could despite everything tell his story.

For the first time in a long while Remus had to collect himself. Had to think about how he should start this. He circled his shoulders and Patton’s hand was gone and did no longer distract him.

“Uhm, so,” Remus babbled and scratched the back of his head, “I suppose I begin with our father finding out about – well me being pan and Ro being gay, even though I still don’t know how he figured Roman out, because he was pretty good at pretending, he was not in fact gay as a rainbow. Anyway, we were seventeen and he found out. It was a Thursday and we came back from school and he was somehow home and started shouting about what a disgrace we were, how disgusting it was and I naturally shouted back at him and it became a huge fight. He hit me a few times-”

“He hit you?!” Janus exclaimed horrified.

Remus shot him a look and shrugged: “Yeah, he did. Not every day and not always but he did quite often. He also drank at the weekends and it wasn’t fun. But that’s another thing. Anyway, he hit me a bit and then Ro got between us and Dad hit him a few times and for some reason, he then stormed off. Which left me relieved for a short second before I panicked and thought about how it would turn out when he’d come back. I had already the great imagery of him shooting me with a rifle he stole from neighbours, when Roman grabbed me by the arm and told me to pack our clothes. Before I got to ask why, he said he’d take our documents and we’ll go. We’d leave and never come back.”

Remus took a short breather and remembered the look in Roman’s eyes when he told him that. The look of a boy who had suffered and tried too long and wanted to flee.

“He had a car and a license. And I had thought about running away for years at that point but I was certain he wouldn’t want to leave and – So, I did not talk back, got our clothes and raided part of the kitchen and we hurried into his car and then he drove. Away. We did not know where, just that we’d leave the state and then see how further. I know it was stupid and unplanned but we were at the end of our wits and it felt good to get away. It felt good to feel free.”

Remus eyed Patton’s hand close to his own. He wanted to hold it. Needed to hold it almost felt like. And promptly Remus reached for Patton’s hand and took it. He took a wavery breath and quickly met eyes with Patton before he continued.

“Then – Well, it was not Roman’s fault. He was not on his phone and he was not driving too fast. He never did. Something was wrong with the car, which was weird because he just had it checked by the mechanic like a few weeks before but. In a curve, something malfunctioned, Roman never could explain me what it was, but we went over the edge and the whole car rolled over several times. Something made a terribly loud sound close to my ears and I lost my orientation for a good bit. Blacked out or something. When I was back again the car stood still and was upright and I somehow manged to yank open the door and I stumble outside. My head hurt like a bitch and I realized that there was still the strange noise and I cursed and I couldn’t hear myself properly.”

Sighing. With his right Remus touched his hearing aid and looked to the cane next to Janus. Something he had to rely on no matter how much he did not want to rely on it.

“I later was told that hearing loss could develop from inner ear concussions after strong whiplashes and such. I was lucky enough to have just that. And I felt sick and was freaked out as fuck, because Roman had no longer been sitting next to me. He – he must have been yanked out of the car through the broken windshield and I started looking around for him.

“I found him a little upwards the hill. He was full of cuts, probably from the glass shreds, a huge one from the right of his forehead over the top of it and there was blood sticking to him everywhere. It looked grotesque, all the blood smeared in the grass, sticking and soaking out of such a little body. When I got closer, I saw bruises and then looked if something was sticking out of him or turned in the wrong direction. Nothing was sticking out and … to my relief I found that he was still faintly breathing.”

Remus stopped again. He looked up. He gulped and watched Janus on the other side of the table. The unbelieving and mortified look in his eyes. Remus chuckled without any humour in it.

“Yeah, I looked like that too. Also, it doesn’t help that we really looked so much alike, so seeing myself kinda bleeding out’s an awfully not fun experience. Anyway, I then took my phone, which somehow had survived all of it safely in my pocket and called 911 because it was the only number I remembered. I told them to stay on the phone, that I could not hear them, because my ears rang like shit, that I was in car crash, that my brother was bleeding out and where we roughly went off the road. That they were not to contact our parents because they would possibly kill me or not come at all which both was shitty and I talked to the phone for a few minutes before I started walking back to the car and got a jacket out, I then threw over Roman. So, he wouldn’t get any colder and stuff. Because I didn’t dare to move him and then I climbed up to the road and waited for the ambulance to come.”

Remus knew he should not be smiling. But he was and the pictures from Roman laying there almost lifeless in front of him shot in front of his eyes again. It was not fun. No laughing matter. But the smile was there nevertheless. And he could not force it away.

A hand was put on the small on Remus’s back and he yanked his head towards Patton. He smiled at him so very gently and Remus felt his grin falter. Felt his expression turn sad and Patton’s arm pull him towards the other. Remus let him do so and gave into the side hug. It was weird to feel alive. It was weird to feel held and warm.

“I would have tried to end it right there and then if he hadn’t been breathing. I would have,” Remus mumbled and to his surprise he got an agreeing response.

“I get that and nobody could fault you for that, Remus. Nobody possibly could fault you for it,” Patton said quite clearly and Remus let those words sink in for a moment.

“That must be such a fuck up thing for the two of you. No wonder Roman did not want to drive back home,” Virgil said after a while and Remus sat up.

He looked at the young man in front of him and sadly shook his head. It was hard to admit but Remus was alone with his memory. Helplessly alone even.

“He doesn’t remember any of it,” Remus started saying and gulped as he felt Patton’s hand sliding away from his side back into his hand and intertwining their fingers helplessly together. “He was in a coma for three days after it. I spent the time learning this fucking chart by heart and was as much in his room as I could, while they had me checked up and asked for our information. They didn’t know what was wrong exactly with him, save for the few bruises, burns, cuts and four cracked rips. They didn’t find anything when they had a closer look of his head, but they weren’t sure when he’d wake up. Eventually, he did on day three and immediately requested to see me and first thing he wanted to do was to stand up and know what was wrong with me and stuff. The day after, to everybody’s surprise and displeasure he did stand up and walked around to ask people where we’d find an ear specialist and someone who could teach us ASL.”

Remus paused and massaged the bride of his nose before he let out an airy laugh.

“Some nurses and I eventually got him back to bed and we could convince him to stay there for a week or so. Then things were temporarily settled and we were brought to foster parents. I had some bruises from my Dad on me which were enough to convince them to not send us home again and that’s how we ended up with an okay couple and their daughter and son for a year or so. It wasn’t really good. I was struggling with not understanding what was going on around me and we had nothing left. Nowhere to turn to. Roman meanwhile learnt ASL and taught me as much as he could and well, he then – basically did everything which led us to be here.”

Remus made a wide, cantilevered gesture and pointed to the room around them. He looked to this room, which was so much bigger than anything he ever thought he could own. And it was just their living room. Just the place they were meant to watch TV together and eat. Just this room alone was so much more than Remus ever dreamed of possessing.

“What do you mean by he did everything? What exactly did he do?”

Remus turned back to Janus. Remus blinked and chuckled a little.

“He got us an apprenticeship as florists when we turned eighteen and learnt about flowers and plants despite never really being passionate about it. He signed me up for all the doctor’s appointment I needed to go to get my ears checked out properly and helped me get a credit for the hearing aids. He got a stupid van where we lived in for a few months and sold flowers from before we could afford the first place we started from.”

Janus looked like he wanted to cut Remus off but Remus continued talking as if he hadn’t seen Janus wanting to cut him off.

“And he did so, while throwing his whole fucking life away. He didn’t try to pursue his dream of Broadway, he didn’t have friends anymore but me and he still acts as if it was nothing. As if I had not fucking ruined his life, as if I hadn’t fucking stolen his life in exchange for continuing to live mine. And I know it’s not this easy and shit, but for fuck’s sake; He made this, he accomplished this on his own! He can live on his own. He doesn’t need me for this nonsense.”

A moment of silence followed and Remus shivered. It was getting later and his bare feet were getting kinda cold. It didn’t matter. He deserved it.

“This ‘nonsense’ meaning life I assume?”

Remus shot a glare to Janus and shrugged pointlessly looking away.

“I doubt that he would agree with you calling your lives ‘nonsense’-” “He wouldn’t.” “-but nevertheless, I have a suspicion that you are not giving yourself enough credit for what you did here.”

Remus laughed. Why would someone ever say this about him? Why would Janus-What-is-your-problem-with-me say this of all people?

Yet before Remus could say that Virgil took his chance and said: “Uncle J’s right for once. Like, this here is not something any person I know could manage to make on their own. You said you did nothing but, like, you learnt about all of these flowers too. You work every fucking day, despite wanting to end it? And how long has it been since the accident now?”

“Nine years,” Remus said his throat feeling incredibly dry.

“Nine fucking years! You didn’t kill yourself for nine fucking years, Remus. You, you are here! You own a house; you have your own store and you did this with your brother! He was so miserable when he learnt what you did and you must know that he’s not doing well either. You two kept each other alive for so long, which isn’t – isn’t really good or okay in – in a way, but it’s outstanding and definitely not nothing! You say he can do this on his own, but you know he can’t. Of all the people who know him you must know that better than anyone else. I know, I’ll make sure of it even, that Roman won’t be left alone, but he’s – he’s not ready to let you go. Not any time soon.”

Remus did not want to hear that. He knew it was right. He really did. He had known for so long that Roman wasn’t ready. That he possibly would never be ready.

“But I am so tired. I just. I don’t want anymore. I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to have to do this anymore. To continue suffering. I want it to stop…”

Remus didn’t know when the last time had been when he cried. He hadn’t known that he still was alive enough to even cry. To laugh, certainly. To joke, always. To flirt, every day.

But to cry?

No, he had believed that those times had long been over.

And yet here he was. Crying in his own living room, surrounded by people, who in all honesty wanted him to stay alive despite not knowing him for much longer than a month.

The weirdly thin arms of the beanpole were draped across Remus’s shoulder and he realized for a tiny fraction of a second that he smelled like cat food and that that somehow smelled very delicious and then took the embrace needily.

Remus wasn’t sobbing and whimpering like Roman, just a few tears and a bit of sniffling but not much more. He got lost in the contact, in the delight of being touched, of being held and when a second pair of arms was put around him, he could have melted on the spot. Even more so when he sensed Patton’s scruffy chin shortly brush over his shoulder as the man pulled him towards himself. Patton was holding him. Patton was holding him and it was so unspeakably nice to be held by him.

It shouldn’t be. Remus wanted (he didn’t) to pull away. But severing their contact, losing Patton’s touch, felt like flames burning his skin. He had to let go but he didn’t want to.

“It’s okay, Remus. It’s okay. I’ll hold you as long as you want me to.”

And Remus did that. For the first time in a long while he let himself have what he wanted. He let himself be held and be warm for a few moments.

___

@varthandi

@sickeningly-deceitful

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@unoriginalgayboyalex

@alexisrealgay

@softie-sushi

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

For this fic:

@frawkeye

@arodynamic-enby

@espepspes

@ladysuperheros

@bullet-tothefeels

@fukindork

@shadeofadye

@magic-but-its-green

@liv-is-a-fander

@croftersjam15

#sandes sides #remus sanders #roman sanders #brotherly creativitwins #patton sanders #logan sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #tw car accident #tw homophobic parents #tw abusive parents #tw homelessness #suicide mention #Life on Crow Avenue #mim writes #please reblog

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 5 years

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dick grayson fic rec post

i’ve read a fair amount of dick grayson/nightwing-related fic over the last few months–and have so many favourites that i revisit frequently!–that i thought it was about damn time that i made a rec post. feel free to add on any gems that you think i’ve missed.

s/o to @cautiousamber who actually inadvertently got this ball rolling, and who is just awesome in general.

these fics are listed in no particular order. almost all of them are sourced from ao3 and a lot of them feature dark themes, blood and violence. i’ll put fic-specific warnings next to each title, but make sure to check out the tags on the fic itself before reading in case i missed something that you’d rather not read.

like a rubber band until you pull too hard by @perissologist Summary: Morgaine le Fey curses Dick Grayson to absorb the pain of everyone he loves.

Warnings: Violence, blood & gore, whump, some swearing. Also, it’s Jason Todd/Dick Grayson, tho that’s not the focus and more or less subtext until the last few paragraphs of the fic.

this is a gloriously simple h/c premise that packs in so much potential that i’m still kicking myself for not thinking of it before. the writing is wonderful, the interactions between dick and his family are heartfelt without being sappy, and the writer treads a fine, fine line between jason’s general standoffishness and the aching core of his love for his family so damn well.

Half Lost, Half Found by takadainmate Summary: Driven underground, Batman fights to keep Nightwing alive.

Warnings: Violence, blood & gore, graphic descriptions of injury, some swearing. And it’s, uh, incomplete, and likely to remain that way.

this… THIS is the fic that truly inspired me to make this post, because everyone needs to read it. rich in detail and full of glorious h/c, it manages to give us a nuanced, dynamic portrayal of bruce and dick’s relationship even while ratcheting up the tension as batman struggles to keep a gravely injured nightwing alive and save them both from Peril. it lacks the final chapter where (presumably) they are rescued and finally get a chance to recover, but i would 100% recommend reading what’s there even if you aren’t a fan of incomplete fics.

Black and Red by Eboni_A Summary: Jason Todd is the Boy Terror to Dick Grayson’s Boy Wonder and proud of it. Where Dick is graceful, Jason is brutal, but they work together like clockwork. When a serious illness takes Dick down, Jason makes it his duty to watch over him. Jason loves his adopted brother and will kill to protect him.

Warnings: Violence, chronic illness, blood and gore, swearing, dick is fourteen and jason is twelve and they go through a lot of Shit. first person perspective.

this is nominally set in the young justice universe but there are a lot of changes–with jason todd adopted far earlier than he has been in other batman media and working as a batman sidekick of a different name while dick is still robin. given i’m not a big fan of reading robin-era fics (literal children in Peril makes me squirm) or first-person perspective, this fic still managed to win me over with how well-rounded and sympathetic it made an angry and prickly jason todd feel. dick also has to deal with a fairly serious medical issue, but despite spending most of the fic in hospital, his humour and charm and bravery shine through.

Collar Me (Don’t Collar Me) by CaramelMachete and spread_my_wings Summary: A basic patrol ends in a common injury. However, complications may turn a simple broken arm into something potentially career-ending. Dick copes as best as he can. Until he doesn’t. His family tries to help.

Warnings: blood and injury, serious complications of said injury, descriptions of surgical procedures and discussion of permanent disability. some swearing. a work in progress.

i am obsessed with this fic. spoiler: the complication is compartment syndrome, and the way the fic approaches not just dick’s ways to cope with this, but other members of the batfam and several of dick’s friends ring very true to their characters. it’s emotional without being melodramatic and wonderfully written. an update on this fic ranks among the highlights of my day, honestly.

through sandstorms and hazy dawns by Makalaure Summary: “Robin,” Bruce grinds out, “stop talking. You need to stay sharp.”

Dick knows he is walking a fine, fine line. “Aw, come on, B,” he says, going for cheerful but feeling like something in him, something he has kept carefully in check till now, is about to snap.

Warnings: mature themes, mentions of forced prostitution, homophobic language, implied paedophilia, implied past abuse, and exoticisation. panic attacks.

this is a beautiful fic, dealing with all the highs and lows of the earliest stages of bruce and dick’s relationship–both of them utterly out of their comfort zones but learning all the same. being batman’s first robin is so much more of a struggle than dick ever lets on later in his life, and in spite of everything, their growing love for and wonderment at each other shine through like a beacon.

Yellow Submarines by jerseydevious Summary: A collection of Batfam prompt-fics.

Warnings: there’s some swearing, violence and blood in some fics, but mostly harmless, i think.

not all of these are dick-related, but each and every one of these 52 fics have made me cry like a lost child. i love this author’s batfam–they’re softer, more open, and utterly unafraid to love each other with all their heart. it helps that the writing flows so well, too–there are some phrases here that will stay with me for a very, very long time.

Atropa Belladonna by Embleer_Firth0323 Summary: A routine traffic stop sets off a domino effect that will forever shatter Officer!Grayson’s entire world–transforming a once temperate existence into a lurid nightmare of obsession, deceit, violence, and finally murder.

Warnings: Rape/non-con, abuse, suicide. suicidal thoughts, violence, blood and gore, multiple character deaths (none of the batfam), discussions of pregnancy and miscarriage, swearing, first person perspective. i’m sure i’m missing some warnings; please check the tags for the fic. there are also chapter-specific warnings in the notes that precede the chapters.

HOKAY. this is a VERY long, very soap-opera-y retelling of the infamous tarantula arc from the comics. somehow, it is even darker, but hopeful in that all of the damage it inflicts on dick and those close to him is actually acknowledged and addressed. the world around this particular version of dick is rather nicely fleshed out and full of likeable people… bar catalina, of course. catalina flores plumbs the depths of awfulness and digs even further when it comes to her relationship with dick, but even at her worst, her anguish and trauma is always palpable. it’s a long, difficult, but extremely engrossing read.��

i would recommend reading this author’s other novel-length fics as well, but beware that they deal with very, very heavy topics, and not always with the deftest or most sensitive hand.

Come One, Come All and The Only Thing To Say by incogneat_oh

both of these are really cute fics where members of the batfam care for/spend time with an injured!dick. they are sweet, rich in detail, and honestly a delight to read. warnings-wise, i can’t think of anything beyond the odd swear-word.

Little By Little by paramountie Summary: Six times Tiger found himself stuck in Bludhaven.

Warnings: swearing, blood and injury, mind control, violence. Tiger/Dick.

this fic builds on all the the strengths of the Grayson comic series–a breezy tone, spy/thriller content, and tiger and dick’s fun dynamic. this fic is very funny and kind of heartbreaking in turns. my only caveat is that this dick tends very much towards the happy-go-lucky, quippy, emotional, a-bit-of-a-disaster characterisation that tends to plague him in fanon–but to be fair, that is the persona he put up while at Spyral in Grayson.

O Clouds Unfold by lowflyingfruit Summary: Over the years, Alfred tries to introduce the younger members of the Batfamily to the noble sport of cricket.

Warnings: none that i can think of, really.

THIS FIC DELIGHTS ME ON SO MANY LEVELS. little snippets of alfred bonding with bruce’s adopted kids over the years by trying to introduce them to cricket–alfred’s voice is consistently amazing, and it is charming af from beginning to finish.

i’d recommend all of this author’s batfam fic tbh.

Tectonic Doom by paganpunk2 Summary: Dick and Tim head out for a week of brotherly bonding in the wilderness only to find themselves caught up in a scheme to put humanity on the ‘extinct’ list.

Warnings: violence, blood, injury and gore, minor character death

this is a lovely, long, plotty fic–with a wonderfully imaginative premise that’s brought out in rich detail, with so much glorious, glorious Dick/Tim bonding. there are way, way too few fics that focus on these two.

Ducklings on the Freeway by pentapus Summary: Jason worries about the younger Robins. He doesn’t worry about Dick – Dick’s untouchable, and even if he wasn’t Jason wouldn’t care.

(Or Dick gets hurt, and it freaks Jason out more than he expected.)

Warnings: swearing, injury. Jason/Dick, but more subtext than anything.

jason’s voice in this fic is so perfect–the tentative ways in which he reconnects with his family, and especially dick, while still dealing with a fuckton of trauma and resentment ring very, very true. and tired-but-knowing!dick is a delight as always.

this is maybe ~33% of the recs i had in mind, but this post has gotten long and i’m tired, so. i’ll add more later. if you have anything that i’ve missed, please feel free to add it to this post!

#batman #batfam #dick grayson #nightwing #robin #fic rec

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meshkol · 6 years

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Twitter Threads (or That One Time Tony Dialled It Up to Eleven)

Summary: Social media is hard and full of trolls, and Tony has poor impulse control.

Notes: I hate this so much. Less cracky than I wanted it, because I suck at writing humour. Fill K-3 for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019: Gossip Press. Unbeta'd as per usual. Any relation to existing twitter handles is entirely coincidental.

Warnings: Social Media, Twitter, Homophobic Language, Sexist Language, Ableist Language, Internet, Trolls, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Goes On A Rampage

No one can say that Tony’s ever had good impulse control, especially about people he loves.

@1234ideclareathumbwar posted: I donno what it is about dr strange but he must suck dick like a pro if hes got iron man whipped god knows theres nothing attractive about him except those dick suckin lips #drstrange #ironman #wtfisstarkthinking

@100percentDONE-xxx replied: yeah its not like he can give a decent handjob ffs must me the lips or maybe hes just tight every1 knows stark loves a tight whole hes prolly cheating neway poor cripple

@itsawrapandimreadytoparty replied: Probably just lays there and thinks about the wizard gods just to get that $$$...I’d think of England even for a nymphomaniac drug-addicted sugar daddy too, tbh.

@BlessYouThor-ness replied: still can’t believe he chose strange over THOR like everyone can see the chemistry between them and tony is such a bottom he’d take thor’s cock so well fuck yes

@they-did-the-thing777 replied: is it just me or does strange look like an alien maybe there’s no magic at all just aliens and he’s got a tentacle dick and stark just wants to mark off another box on his worlds-biggest-slut checklist #tonystarkispathetic

@snowflakes_makeme_lol replied: hes just fkn ugly i s2g stark id spread 4 but strange??? that bitch be ugly asf n not worth gettin my dk wet prolly get aids

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: You guys are the pinnacle of our evolution and I am in awe of your genuine kindness and polite generosity (and grammar). Wow, I can’t believe Stephen Strange saved all of your jerkass lives TWICE for this shit and you know what? Everyone knows I’M the cocksucker in this relationship, dumbfucks.

@kiki_blow_this_popsicle_stand replied: HOLY SHIT LMAO

“What are you doing?”

He doesn’t bother looking up from his tablet, backing away from that thread because he has no interest in seeing the replies, and hunting for the next war he can wage. “Destressing,” he replies gleefully, clicking on a thread that mentions Pepper. He can feel Rhodey behind him – and, what’s more, he can feel the disapproval seeping out of his pores too now that he’s peeking over Tony’s shoulder – but he’s on a roll, and fuck impulse control when he can sass and bitch on twitter. Some people just need to be removed from the genetic pool of the human race and not be allowed to procreate, honestly.

Somewhere in bumbfuck-nowhere, Fury is having a coronary and Stephen is rolling his eyes so hard they’re permanently lodged in his cranium.

@rudethatyoureallamatwink posted: Does anyone else think that Pepper Potts only got the job at Stark because she’s got awesome legs and a great twat and Tony Stark wanted to stick his dick in? #idfuckher #pepperpotts #starkindustries #idfuckhimtootbh #tonystark

@MyNameIsGoFuckYourself replied: lol ur gross shes like 35 or smth but wvr u want crusty ol lose pussy u do u bro #oldchickgross #getbotox

@shredderinmymetal3-14 replied: @MyNameIsGoFuckYourself lmao wtf?? He started fucking her when she was like twenty or something so she was still nice and tight back then. I mean I’d still fuck her right now cause she’s one hot cougar and I bet she’s learned a thing or two from the Slut Extraordinaire. And anyway, how tf do you know what her cunt’s like?? The only hole you’ve fucked is your mom.

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: Wow, you guys are pigs. Pepper Potts is a strong, independent, beautiful woman who is worth a thousand of all you, and your mothers would be ashamed of you all.

@gags_are_the_best_fight_me_bitch replied: @queeen-bee-says-hi hey look theres the feminazi if you want i can replace that stick up your pussy with my dick you know you need it ill fuck you real good show you what a real mans like

@truthisanillusion replied: I’ll fuck @queeen-bee-says-hi AND @OfficialPotts_CEO at the same time fucking feminazi cunts, god knows you bitches would be grateful for my prick in your gaping lesbian pussies

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Wow. So. Uh.

1. That’s revolting and my AI just delivered the IPs of @gags_are_the_best_fight_me and @truthisanillusion to the authorities for premeditated violence, rape, and hate crimes. You’re welcome, and feel free to send a cash donation to the charity of your choice for my thoughtfulness. I’d recommend something for women’s or LGBTQ+ rights, and I’ll match it with a multiplier of 1000x.

2. @queeen-bee-says-hi, good for you, and I can see from your profile that you’re a student. Consider your crops watered and your schooling paid for, all the way to your twelfth PhD if you want it.

3. @OfficialPotts_CEO can and will murder you with her pinky nail. I’ve taken on Thanos and I’d rather go ten rounds with him than piss her off. THAT’S why she’s CEO, not because of her admittedly awesome legs.

4. I hate this hellsite. If I buy it, can I kill it?? Rhodey says “technically” so I’m gonna look into that now.

@i_stan_one_legend_named_virginia_p_potts replied: IRON MANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!! #PEPPERPOTTS4PRESIDENT

@iaminlovewithcapandimunashamed replied: lmfao incels be fkd when #ironman comes to town

@truthisanillusion replied: Hey @YouKnowWhoIAm No one trusts you or likes you, you fake ass super “hero” taking it up the ass like a faggot stfu and die already, kthxbye

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: whAT OH MY GOD THAT IS NOT NECESSARY

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Tony, stop picking fights and threatening to buy twitter or I’ll ground you. And just accept the gift, @queeen-bee-says-hi - after all, he’s already done it.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Shut up Pepper, you aren’t the boss of me.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: And jokes on you @truthisanillusion because I’m already dead inside come at me bitch I’ll be the one in the multi-billion-dollar suit of armor surrounded by Avengers

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Actually, I am. Don’t make me take away your toys. Or call @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel. He’s on speed-dial, sweetheart, and he likes me better than you.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Rude.

@Sorcerer_Surpreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: The last time you threatened someone, your house got blown up. Please refrain from egging on internet trolls or I’ll dump you for Rhodes for my own sanity.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: ALSO RUDE.

“You know, I’m not even remotely bi-curious and I would totally tap that,” Rhodey says absently, though his lips are quirking into a smirk.

Tony rolls his eyes. “Hands off, you little shit, or I’ll tweet about that one time in MIT when you ate that—”

“Fuck you.”

“Been there, done that,” Tony quips cheerfully. “Not remotely bi-curious my ass—”

“You know what’s better than picking fights with twelve-year-olds on twitter? Kicking your ass right here. You come at me, Stank.”

Tony opens his mouth to reply but then gasps, already losing himself in another thread after sending a middle finger emoji into the last one.

@mwahahaha-666 posted: You guys can wax poetry about Tony Stark all you want, but screw that basic-ass rich boy - everyone knows Doctor Strange is the smokin’ hot one. #takemenow #mybodyisready #drstrange

@ukulele_jedi_master replied: PREACH!!! stark may be loaded but stephen is the one that looks like a prada model giMME THAT MAGICAL DICK

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: Fuck both of you. I just wanna be a fly on the wall when they’re fucking each other...or better yet, DIRECT them on how to ruin each other #ironstrange #otp

@highpercentageofuselessnessachieved replied: i wonder if he can clone himself like can u imagine?? being fucked from all ends by #drstrange cock?? what i wouldn’t give to be tony stark omfg i don’t even want the money just the hard dickin from that fine piece of ass

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: He’s got Iron Man wrapped around his little finger so he must have the biggest dick and the know-how to use it properly. Yes pls and thank you very much, I’ll take that monster dick pronto.

@TGBYHN_4_LYFE replied: dude i tell u what i would do what @xxx-foreverfit-xxx said: sit in the corner w a ridign crop in 9’’ stilettos rubbin myself while directing them 2 do what i want...make em touch n stroke n suck n bite n fuck each other til they cant walk anymore n then cuddle w them n stroke their hair

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: I would give my college education, my life, my cow, and my internet access away for the rest of my life for a sex tape

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: @TGBYHN_4_LYFE omfg fuCK YES CAN YOU IMAGINE listening to them moan as they lost themselves in each oter, so fucking desperate to get off that they’re begging you to let them cum even as they try their hardest to obey, covered in precum and sweat and hot as fuck

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: I s2g the amount of fanfiction I write about those two alone should have me committed but I literally can’t stop the two of them are so fucking hot together that it should be illegal god bless Iron Man and Dr Strange and their sexy, sexy chemistry and sexy, sexy bodies #killme

@one-upon-a-time-in-asgard2 replied: They are the hottest couple in the history of the universe and so fucking pure I love them both so much also @bigfoot_is_nessie1987 I demand a link to your fics cuz I’m always looking for more ironstrange porn #otp #ironstrange

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel Hey, they think you have a big dick. Little do they know that they’re totally right and that you also have the added bonus of actually BEING a big dick too! #dontthreatentoleavemeforplatypus #orilltagyouinthirstposts #awesomethirstposts #stephenhasabigdick #andiloveit #goodshit

@mwahahaha-666 replied: OH MY DUCKING GOD

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: Well, I’d be mortified that Tony Stark is replying to this except Tony Stark is acTUALLY REPLYING TO THIS BLESS YOU IRON MAN

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: One of these days I’m going to murder you with your own bravado and not lose a night’s sleep over it. And fine, I won’t touch Rhodes...I’m sure Rogers is free anyway, and he’s always so polite when I visit.

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: Please don’t read my fanfiction I will literally combust in embarrassment also I am dying over here in Copenhagen omfg

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: BRO CODE, DUDE. YOU’RE VIOLATING THE BRO CODE. I HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT A DIVORCE.

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: ...oh my god what does that mean you guys are MARRIED??!?! BLESS THE WIZARD GODS!!!!

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: Rhodes, I know you’re reading over his shoulder, so if you could please take away his phone now before he ends up on the cover of the Times...or breaks the internet. Again. Thank you in advance.

Tony reacts immediately, trying to make a break for it, but Rhodey’s already tackling him into the couch, a hundred and ninety pounds of lean muscle and pretty Class As. Tony hisses breathlessly, the wind knocked out of him, and he struggles valiantly to keep his hands on his tablet while Rhodey does his best to rip it away. He doesn’t have a very good position so he makes a hair-brained, split-second decision to throw his body weight to the side, making them both roll off the couch. Rhodey’s a jerk though, and manages to react fast enough so that Tony takes the brunt of the impact, and he can’t even help but groan in a mixture of mild pain and disappointment as he feels the tablet being removed from his lax fingers.

“Sucks to be you, Stank,” he says breathlessly, fingers flying over the keyboard, and Tony cranes his neck until he can read Rhodey’s reply (and on Tony’s fucking account what in the hell!):

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: I think I broke your hot mess of a husband, Stephen. Come collect him before he murders me with his eyes or gets his hands on another electronic device. We’re in the lab.

Three seconds later, Stephen walks through a portal, looking oh-so-fucking-gorgeous in his battle robes, and wearing a scowl of irritation that bodes well for rough, mock-angry sex in the near future.

Tony grins unapologetically, and abandons the lure of social media in exchange for his pseudo husband.

It’s an easy choice.

Also read on ao3.

Feel free to prompt me things on my Bingo Card!

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kala-hira · 5 years

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hotlineaisui replied to your post “Thoughts on AC:Odyssey, Far Cry 5 * DMC 5…are they any good, did you...”

Haven’t played DMC5 but I’ve heard really good things! ACO is a lot of fun, dlc debacle aside, with a lot of humour in the base game as well as both kassandra and Alexios being rly well rounded protags. Fc5 was testing the waters but I really loved it and the story wrapped into everything. And new dawn too is like a whole other level of fun!

teiganbailerey replied to your post “Thoughts on AC:Odyssey, Far Cry 5 * DMC 5…are they any good, did you...”

Far Cry 5 was lacking in some aspects. Didn't like the story personally and how it played out. But, still played it through completely. Also if Far Cry new dawn is on sale i found it a lot more entertaining. So i would check that one out

koric replied to your post “Thoughts on AC:Odyssey, Far Cry 5 * DMC 5…are they any good, did you...”

ACO is good, the first dlc can be read as homophobic especially if you aren't prepared for it and especially if you identify as gay or lesbian. The romances in the main game aren't as in depth as bioware romances and I'd say even less so than FO4 romances if that's any sort of an intrigue point.

kadara-smuggler replied to your post “Thoughts on AC:Odyssey, Far Cry 5 * DMC 5…are they any good, did you...”

I loved ACO but there are some people that weren't pleased with the first DLC, the map is really big though, but if you are considering giving it a go I would suggest it, specially if it's on sale

Thanks so much everyone for the feedback, I decided to kiss my money away and get them :)

#hotlineaisui #teiganbailerey #koric #kadara-smuggler

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crowsent · 6 years

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Aspect Of Winter

Let me preface this by saying that I will be biased. Any and all words coming from my mouth, typed onto this screen with my ratchet fingers, will be heavily inclined to sing good praises of this book. For two main reasons. One: it’s a gift from a darling friend of mine. Two: it’s fucking gay and my queer ass rejoices.

But that aside, READ THIS BOOK. READ IT. MAKE YOUR LIFE RICHER AND READ THE BOOK.

It is so damn good. But! Before I bust out the magnifying glass of unnecessarily big words I definitely googled to sound as extra as I physically possibly can, here’s a brief synopsis of the book.

It follows the main character, Feayr, a high-school senior who, for the sake of literally everyone, goes by Fay. For some reason, he has magical powers that enable him to essentially wield winter like his own personal mallet where everything in the world can be a nail. He’s also hella fucking gay.

Because of his powers, Fay doesn’t really feel like he fits in with normal people. Cue Janus University. It’s a magical school for people with magical potential and is essentially Fay’s ticket to having a life and a place for himself surrounded by other people like him. So he leaps on that train of opportunity with all the grace of a dying elephant and kicks off the story.

There’s magic that’s done in a very unique way, unlike Harry Potter, or Carry On, or some of the other books with magic that I’ve read. Very fresh and new. Lots of mythological creatures as well from all over the world, not just ones with Hellenic or Gaelic origins. There’s a fuckton of shit to read and enjoy and consume like the word devourer I am.

Read the book. Please read it. It is so good. I wanted to cry a few times. Read it.

Now. Onto the magnifying glass! Beware spoilers!

First thing about the book is the syntax. Easy to read, easy to understand, no less compelling. It also helps that Tom Early, the author, has such a great sense of humour. I had to put the book down to keep myself from laughing because holy shit. There are some great moments in this book. So much so that writing down all my favourite quotes would take more than one post.

It helps that Fay is hilarious in his own right. My queer ass just understands him so much. I relate to this man on so many levels and if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in the room and then myself. He’s so awkward and adorable!!!!! But. Honestly. I kind of feel bad for him.

One. His school has dick bitch homophobes who constantly tell him that he’s not worthy of anything. And, honestly, that hit hard. I’m fortunate enough that I wasn’t harassed like that in my earlier days. I’m a little more hardened now, and more than willing to throw hands, but if I heard that when I was younger, I would break.

It’s so sad seeing Fay struggle with his sexuality and try to carve a place for himself in a world that obviously fights back against him. Personally, I think that him wanting to go to Janus is a parallel to him wanting to be accepted as he is. A way to find someplace to belong, with people like him, so he would feel more normal and less weird. But that might be a stretch.

And while Fay has this awkward, shy side to him, he also has something much darker. Infinitely darker. Like. A piece of his soul dark. Kind of suspected it in the scene with the dullahan where the thing tries to take his soul but gets turned into an ice statue and shattered into a million bits instead.

That interaction paved the road for all the future dark things that Fay has the potential to do. And the things he DOES do, later on near the end of the book. It ties in nicely, subtle enough that the scene with Aria fucking floored me, mouth reaching for the floor, eyes wide like dinner plates. But it wasn’t out of the blue. There were enough hints that got my head gears whirring like the cogs of a dying clock. There were pieces for me to put together and holy shit did I fit them together. There’s so much that I sat there for a good few moments muttering “what the fuck” while I pictured Fay ripping off Aria’s wings.

It is such an intense moment in the book.

But the thing I love most about Fay is that he acknowledges his shortcomings. He KNOWS that he lets other people fight his battles for him. He knows that he doesn’t do a very good job of communicating his feelings to other people (like with Tyler and that whole spiel about him dragging Tyler into the magic world) and here’s the best part.

HE TRIES TO FIX IT. He sees what he lacks, and does his fucking best to fix it.

First encounter with the homophobes and Fay freezes, lets them have their words and their jabs, and walks off meekly with his head down. Some reflection later, and he FREEZES one of the homophobe’s lips together and walks away with his head high. Fucking proud and happy.

And after Tyler pointed out that Fay wasn’t communicating that good, Fay does what any good boyfriend (and person) should do and ACTUALLY COMMUNICATES. I fucking can’t. I am incapable of canning. This boy is so precious.

Of course, an equally precious child is Sam. I lowkey aspire to be her. One, the no-nonsense attitude that she isn’t afraid to show everyone. Two, the fact that literally everyone in school knows she can kick their collective asses and she knows it. Three, she has such a fun personality with her own little quirks that I just die on the inside.

If I met Sam when I was in highschool, I would be fucking gay for her. And in the books, Fay mentions, on multiple occasions, the crowd of men AND women flocking to Sam. Just a nice touch that I adore.

Sam is essentially both brains AND brawn. She’s fierce, she’s smart, she managed to make a simple spell that makes a Minor Orb of energy into a damn fucking shield she’s not afraid to use as a means to bash heads in.

And she’s an artist. Who draws. A lot. And I just. Sam feels so real to me and I am so taken with her character.

Of course, she has her flaws too. One that stood out to me was the fact that she can’t seem to back down from a fight. Sure, sounds like an inconsequential thing, but it was a crisis of character for her when she lost BECAUSE she didn’t back down.

She had an entire thing about her mom not being proud of her because she wasn’t good enough and I just choked.

Of course, there’s Tyler. A jock-type who happens to be bi. Reminded me a lot of Cooper from One Of Us Is Lying. Except. Tyler’s not exactly in the closet. He knows what he is and is proud of that and honestly fucking bet.

He doesn’t take shit from anyone too, and isn’t afraid to hold his ground if he needs to. Like. He stood up to Sam in a parking lot early on in the book. At this point, it has already been established that Sam is hell incarnate and is not afraid to kick someone’s teeth in. Sam can do a no hands running leap over a fence!!!

And Tyler stood his ground and looked her straight in the eye. Mad respect for that scene, honestly. The way it’s written makes it so that Tyler doesn’t back down, but he also doesn’t disrespect Sam.

More mad props to Tyler is that Fay is his first relationship with a guy. And he powers through. Sure, he’s nervous, but he still asked. Honestly, more than I could say for myself. It takes a great deal of courage to ask someone out, even more so if it’s the first date.

Tyler is goals tbh. He willingly follows Fay into battle knowing the risks because he doesn’t want to lose Fay. He struggles with his parents getting a divorce, has a lot of his own personal issues that can and will tie my tongue with how much he just continues moving forward. And just.

This man. This man. I have so much respect and feelings for this man. He’s kind and considerate and I just can’t.

While these three are the main characters, there’s a bunch more that Early gives life to.

Aiden, for instance, only appears for a few scenes but damn is he complex. At first, I was all: hot guy. Accent. Foreign. Hot. Holy shit. Then, after the attack on Fay’s home, I switched to “what the fuck?” “what the fuck????” “bitch what the fuck!??!?!??” And THEN, he became more like a rival than an antagonist and just. I can’t.

Good characters are honestly my driving force for reading literally anything, but the plot and mechanics is strong in the book as well.

As I mentioned earlier, the magic is unique. There’s the words but it’s not actually said in the book what those words are. But it doesn’t even matter because you see the characters and how they respond. How the magic responds to them,

There’s a whole scene where Sam and Fay try out spells, figure out what they do, and what’s compatible with them. Spells have compatibility. I really enjoyed the fact that magic in this universe seems alive, ancient, and more than just a hand wave. It feels like it’s part of the caster.

Sam’s minor orbs, for instance, is different from Fay’s. Fay’s looks like a damn snowball, while Sam’s doesn’t. Same spell, different casters = different lookin spell. Wards too. Sam’s ward is standard. Fay’s turns everything that hits the ward into ice. Again, same spell but because the people casting them is different, it changes. It’s a nice touch and makes the world itself come to life.

Fight scenes aren’t prevalent in the early half of the book, but holy shit does things go from 0 to 100 real quick. Aria’s first fight was brutal and I just practically vibrated with excitement when that happened. Motherfucking art.

The entire book is filled with scenes like that, actually. Made me stop, rethink my life decisions, praise every god that I managed to exists in a universe where Aspect of Winter is a thing. I love it. Can’t wait to read the next book (when I get my hands on it) and can’t wait for the third book to come out.

One scene in particular hit me with a mountain of questions and elicited a chorus of holy shits. Felt like I was about to sing Heathers Fight For Me. Right at the very end. I can quote it because it was seared into my very brain.

Bit of context.

The thing with Fay’s very soul bearing some part of winter? Yeah, that was how he managed to chill everything, and make his own ice sculptures whenever he wants. The thing that killed the dullahan. That thing that is such an integral part of him.

It was sealed.

No more ice magic.

Fay described it as feeling EMPTY.

So, you’d think that after being sealed away, the ice wouldn’t manifest anymore right? Whatever thing is inside Fay would stay there and not be a danger to him or to others anymore, right? Fucking wrong. The very last line of the book read as follows:

“Behind me, the stones on the beach were covered in a thin layer of frost.”

Like. Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!! Either the seal broke, or it wasn’t strong enough.

(Didas is also a shady bitch and I don’t trust him but I don’t think he’ll endanger the lives of everyone quite so easily.)

Either way, winter is fucking coming and I am fucking terrified.

#book review #reading ramble #my shit #aspect of winter #seasons rising

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ltcol-laurens · 7 years

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Laurens-Hamilton letters

All this can be found here and this is just a list of quotes from letters between 1778 and 1782 between John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton at what could be hinting at a relationship between the two. I hope this is helpful.

First: ‘We have the Honour to be Sir Your most Obedt Servts A Hamilton John Laurens’ - They wrote a letter together that’s just cute.

From JL, 5th Dec 1778 ‘My Dear Hamilton...Adieu, my dear boy. I shall set out for camp tomorrow.’

The best letter of all time, From AH April 1779: ‘Cold in my professions, warm in {my} friendships, I wish my Dear Laurens, it m{ight} be in my power, by action rather than words, {to} convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that ‘till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You sh⟨ould⟩ not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste⟨al⟩ into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into ⟨me⟩.’

From the same letter: ‘my Dear J’ - that’s cute.

From the same April 1779 letter: ‘ I anticipate by sympathy the pleasure you must feel from the sweet converse of your dearer self in the inclosed letters. I hope they may be recent. They were brought out of New York by General Thompson11 delivered to him there by a Mrs. Moore not long from England, soi-disante parente de Madame votre épouse. She speaks of a daughter of yours, well when she left England,12 perhaps ⟨– – –⟩. ‘ There’s an explanation for this: Hamilton was asked to deliver a letter from Martha Manning to Laurens so he found out that Laurens was not only married but also had a daughter. They’d already known each other for around a year and a half at that point.

Hamilton proceeds to seemingly ask John to find him a wife whilst he’s in South Carolina: ‘And Now my Dear as we are upon the subject of wife, I empower and command you to get me one in Carolina. Such a wife as I want will, I know, be difficult to be found, but if you succeed, it will be the stronger proof of your zeal and dexterity. Take her description—She must be young, handsome (I lay most stress upon a good shape) sensible (a little learning will do), well bred (but she must have an aversion to the word ton) chaste and tender (I am an enthusiast in my notions of fidelity and fondness) of some good nature, a great deal of generosity (she must neither love money nor scolding, for I dislike equally a termagent and an œconomist).’

However it was just an excuse to put in as many innuendos and that famous ‘nose’ line: ‘ If you should not readily meet with a lady that you think answers my description you can only advertise in the public papers and doub[t]less you will hear of many competitors for most of the qualifications required, who will be glad to become candidates for such a prize as I am. To excite their emulation, it will be necessary for you to give an account of the lover—his size, make, quality of mind and body, achievements, expectations, fortune, &c. In drawing my picture, you will no doubt be civil to your friend; mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don’t forget, that I ⟨– – – – –⟩. ‘ - The word ‘friend’ seems to be teasing about how far from friends they are which is further consolidated with the ‘nose’ and infamous scratched out words which I believe that mystery has been solved and it possibly says: ‘never spared you of pictures‘ so it now reads: ‘...mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don’t forget, that I never spared you of pictures.’ I think the pure fact that JCH felt the need to cross that out shows that he interpreted it as sexual because if he thought that they were just friends and it was, as Massey puts it, ‘bawdy humour’ then why would JCH feel the need to cross it out? Really John Church is just confirming what we already knew - that Hamilton and Laurens were M O R E T H A N F R I E N D S. And that’s from a 18/19th Century homophobe (most likely). Also JCH met his Alexander (I know he died soon into John’s life but still they met) so will understand his father more than any historian and is therefore one of the most reliable sources.

‘ NB You will be pleased to recollect in your negotiations that I have no invincible antipathy to the maidenly beauties & that I am willing to take the trouble of them upon myself.‘ - Hamilton underline ‘NB’ (nota bene/note well and the underlining of ‘maidenly beauties’ and ‘trouble’ seems to suggest some sort of sexual innuendo ... with Laurens. He could be possibly reminding Laurens of a similar experience they shared. ‘Maidenly beauties’ seems to be referring to inexperienced women or virginity. The phrase ‘maidenly’ seems to be feminine adjective however it’s more likely to be describing purity (e.g in the case of virginity). Let’s remember how Hamilton was once played down his attraction to Eliza in a letter to Laurens so why would he be talking about female virginity. Furthermore,with Hamilton already talking about his relationship with Laurens previously in this letter this quote holds a lot more implication that he was talking about his relationship with Laurens. Another interpretation of this could be that Hamilton just wants to remind Laurens that he’s not exclusively attracted to men (as Laurens most likely was) so it’s a way to possibly make Laurens jealous as Laurens (accidentally) made Hamilton. Additionally, the word ‘trouble’ could be interpreted as pregnancy and he’s saying that despite the ‘trouble’ of the feminine body (i.e pregnancy) he’s not immune to be sexually attracted to them. Also just think how Laurens’ personal experience with women and probably the first, or one of the first times, he had sex with a woman it resulted in pregnancy and his own mother died because of pregnancy.

Hamilton concludes with: ‘ Do I want a wife? No—I have plagues enough without desiring to add to the number that greatest of all; and if I were silly enough to do it, I should take care how I employ a proxy. ‘ So he calls marriage a plague and he explicitly states that he doesn’t want a wife.

‘Did I mean to show my wit?’ - ‘Wit’ = 18c for penis

From Laurens, 14th July 1779: ‘ Ternant will relate to you how many violent struggles I have had between duty and inclination—how much my heart was with you...’ And he ends with ‘yours ever John Laurens’ so pretty effusive for Laurens.

From Hamilton 11th September 1779. There’s a bit of a gap here which Hamilton actually talks about: ‘ I acknowlege but one letter from you, since you left us, of the 14th of July which just arrived in time to appease a violent conflict between my friendship and my pride. I have written you five or six letters since you left Philadelphia and I should have written you more had you made proper return. But like a jealous lover, when I thought you slighted my caresses, my affection was alarmed and my vanity piqued. I had almost resolved to lavish no more of them upon you and to reject you as an inconstant and an ungrateful ——.2 But you have now disarmed my resentment and by a single mark of attention made up the quarrel. You must at least allow me a large stock of good nature.‘ Most notable in this paragraph is Hamilton’s uses the phrase ‘jealous lover’. He ends on a more formal note: ‘Adieu Yrs most sincerely A Hamilton’

From Laurens 12th December 1779: ‘Present my Respects and Love to our excellent General and the family; may you enjoy all the pleasure moral and physical which you promise yourself in winter quarters; and be as happy as you deserve.Yours ever John Laurens’

From Laurens 18th December 1779, Laurens uses the phrase: ‘ χαλου χαι αγαθου’ which is Greek ‘kalos kai agathos’ and cannot be translated directly into English and it has various meanings discussed by @john-laurens here who does a great job of explaining what it means. He ends on ‘My Love as usual. Adieu John Laurens.’

From Hamilton 8th January 1780:

Laurens used ‘dear boy’ several times e.g. here compared to a letter to his wife: ‘...and say dear Girl...’ so he used to same term to describe his affection towards his wife to describe his affection towards Hamilton.

From Hamilton to Laurens 30th March 1780: ‘Adieu my Dear; I am sure you will exert yourself to save your country; but do not unnecessarily risk one of its most valuable sons. Take as much care of yourself as you ought for the public sake and for the sake of Yr. Affectionate A. Hamilton.’

From Hamilton to Laurens 30th June 1780: ‘ Have you not heard that I am on the point of becoming a benedict? I confess my sins. I am guilty. Next fall completes my doom.‘ I might be looking too much into this but it sounds like he’s trying to assure Laurens (who was a POW at this point) that he hasn’t completely forgotten about him and it’s a strange way to put it if he’s truly happy about the wedding: ‘Next fall completes my doom’. Hamilton goes on to say (about Eliza): ‘ She is a good hearted girl who I am sure will never play the termagant; though not a genius she has good sense enough to be agreeable, and though not a beauty, she has fine black eyes—is rather handsome and has every other requisite of the exterior to make a lover happy.‘ This doesn’t sound like he holds the highest opinion of Eliza which contrasts to how he wrote in letters to Eliza, for example: ‘ My good, my tender, my fond, my excellent Betsy, Adieu.‘, ‘my angel’, ‘ I kiss you a thousand times‘ and ‘ I shall be miserable if I do not hear once a week from you and my precious infant. You both grow dearer to me every day. I would give the world for a kiss from either of you.’ (Bear in mind the last few quotes are after Laurens died) so either he’s making Eliza seem worse than she is to Laurens as they have a thing between them and Laurens wasn’t having the easiest time being a POW as the Americans had just suffered a defeat in South Carolina, he’s exaggerating his feelings to Eliza or a bit of both.

H to L, 12th Sept 1780: ‘my Laurens’ (bit possessive gee!) and ‘I hate Congress—I hate the army—I hate the world—I hate myself. The whole is a mass of fools and knaves; I could almost except you and Meade. Adieu A Hamilton’ He’s in that I-hate-everything-in-the-world-except-Laurens-mood - I think we’ve all been there to be honest. I think this is the letter where Hamilton had just been denied a position in the south with Laurens although I could be wrong. He finishes with ‘My ravings are for your own bosom.’ So basically he misses his boy.

H to L, 16th September 1780: H asks L to do something for his sake: ‘ for my sake’, ‘ In spite of Schuylers black eyes, I have still a part for the public and another for you; so your impatience to have me married is misplaced; a strange cure by the way, as if after matrimony I was to be less devoted than I am now.‘ God there’s so much to say about this. Firstly, Laurens believes that marriage is a ‘cure’ and that raises the question of a ‘cure’ for what exactly? It also shows how Laurens views Hamilton’s feelings towards him because bisexuality and human sexuality in general wasn’t understood as well as it is now so Laurens believes that Hamilton can’t love Eliza and him simultaneously and Hamilton seems to have a better understanding of sexuality, or at least of his own feelings towards Laurens, so he says ‘as if matrimony I was to be less devoted than I am now’ I could be wrong but that sounds like ‘Even when I’m married I’ll still have these feelings for you.’ Then we get to the end of this letter where Hamilton seemingly invites Laurens to a threesome on his wedding night, but Laurens was stuck in Pennsylvania: ‘I wish you were at liberty to transgress the bounds of Pensylvania. I would invite you after the fall to Albany to be witness to the final consummation. My Mistress is a good girl, and already loves you because I have told her you are a clever fellow and my friend; but mind, she loves you a l’americaine not a la françoise.‘ It makes me think about how Hamilton goes around talking about how great Laurens is - someone he could’ve been romantically involved with - to his future wife Eliza. Also the Founders Archive website puts the words and phrases I put in italics in italics on the website so I guess Hamilton underlined them so he really wanted Laurens to see the ‘final consummation’ and the other parts that are all quite suggestive. ‘She loves you a l’americaine not a la françoise’ means how French people are more open with their sexuality and Americans are more prudish and sexually reserved so Eliza wouldn’t be down for a threesome on her wedding night with two guys which seems reasonable to me.

Interestingly there are a few more letters from Hamilton that are less romantic and more military as his first child Philip had just been born and there could’ve been a possible rekindling between Laurens and Kinloch although it seems unlikely. I just think something must’ve happened from the threesome thing to being strictly professional.

Then in July 1782 Laurens wrote a letter that apart from a few things such as this and talking about his black regiment etc doesn’t seem to be of much significance until you realise that on the bottom of the founders archive page here it says that there is at least a paragraph missing from that letter because it has no ending to the letter. However there is a printed extract of a letter that Laurens wrote to Hamilton but there is no date JCH just put ‘Hamilton replied on the 15th August’ and it finishes: ‘ Adieu, my dear friend; while circumstances place so great a distance between us, I entreat you not to withdraw the consolation of your letters. You know the unalterable sentiments of your affectionate Laurens.’ which as we can see from above is quite romantic coming from Laurens and he ended a similar way to his ending to Martha his wife.

Then we get to the final letter from Hamilton to Laurens 15th August 1782: ‘ Quit your sword my friend, put on the toga, come to Congress. We know each others sentiments, our views are the same: we have fought side by side to make America free, let us hand in hand struggle to make her happy.’ and it ends ‘Yrs for ever A Hamilton’ which he used a variation of in his last letter to Eliza before he died. I don’t know about anyone else but to me that letter has a definite air of finality as if Hamilton just knows that his friend is going to go ahead and get himself killed which is terribly heartbreaking.

#long post #historic lams #lams #laurens x hamilton #laurens #hamilton

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princessconsuelapark · 7 years

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Secrets, Tears and What-ifs - Part 29

Author: Blake (justrainythings) Pairing: Ant McPartlin/Declan Donnelly Word count: 5 994 words Summary: After the Sun outing them and their secret 20-year affair, they have to deal with paparazzi, girlfriends, wives, family and... their feelings for each other. Angst. Fighting. Serious stuff. Yay. :) Part 1 & Part 2 & Part 3 & Part 4 & Part 5 & Part 6 & Part 7 & Part 8 & Part 9 & Part 10 & Part 11 & Part 12 & Part 13 & Part 14 & Part 15 & Part 16 & Part 17 & Part 18 & Part 19 & Part 20 & Part 21 & Part 22 & Part 23 & Part 24 & Part 25 & Part 26 & Part 27 & Part 28

// Chapter on AO3 - er, well... hello, I guess? let's get straight to the point and do this in numbered bulletpoints yay 1. I'm sorry for being shit at updating, but hey, here's a new chapter, how about that?

2. This is my first chance at properly expressing this, so here it is: I'M SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY PROUD OF ANTHONY DAVID MCPARTLIN AND I LOVE AND SUPPORT HIM TO THE MOON AND BACK UNTIL MY DYING DAY AND BEYOND <3 <3

3. This chapter would have never been written if Abiee (@abieeoliver21) hadn't asked me to include a certain someone - I know it was 8 million years ago, I’m not even sure you’re still reading it, but this is for you, love :)

4. No plot in this chapter, really - just some random (and mostly surface-value) soul-searching stuff and no one really gets to the bottom of anything. Bit of foreshadowing and mentions of stuff to come though haha.

5. I'm so so so SO incredibly thankful to everyone who's still here, who's still reading this, who's still interested, who still makes an effort to comment. Honestly, honestly, cross my heart. Every single person who's waited a minute for this chapter, a couple months, or a few years (god, I'm shit at this). I love you all so much, thank you a million for all your amazingess <3 <3 (also: usual warning for the usual swearing) //

so because the last update was hundreds of years ago (please don't hate me), it's re-cap time !!

Ant and Dec have been having a secret affair for 20 years, but suddenly they are outed to the whole world, ouch. (To be fair, this is the premise of the fic, so I guess, you all remember that much at least. I mean, I hope so. I know it's been a year, but like... The summary is right there when you click on the bloody thing, yeah? Fuck, it's been a year. Please please don't hate me.)

They fight a lot about stuff - which they never do (scary!) -, while trying to navigate the minefield their personal and professional life has become. It turns out, Dec was quite upset about Ant marrying Lisa, thinking that Ant had given up on him, while Ant was never really conscious of the fact that he was actually in love with Dec.

Now though, Ant had broken up with Lisa, while Dec never really saw the need to do so with Ali (which, let's admit, was not the most eloquent way of handling this, but this fic is about Ant and Dec being in love, so we don't really give a shit about that), so they are both available, but terrified of what that means. Dec even had a couple of emotional, panic attack-like breakdowns (mainly in bathrooms? which is... weird, I guess?) that Ant is fairly concerned about. His family didn't take the news the best way possible. Especially his Mam.

They somehow got through Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and are currently half-way through Saturday, the day of their first live show of Saturday Night Takeaway. They are nervous, but as the show draws closer and closer, and more problems arise, they rely and depend more on each other than ever, defaulting back to their AntandDec-ness (and being very cute, if I might add).

Meanwhile a very old, but quite dramatically disgusting picture of them kissing surfaces suddenly and to push it out of circulation, Ali suggests to wander down to a nearby park and do a pap-walk, so they can provide less awful, and more lovey-dovey, kissing and hand-holding photos for the press. (Oh, and there's this homophobic little woman in the park who calls them out on kissing, but they handle it well, phew.) With that push, it's kind of decided for them and they more or less finally agree that they should be together and "properly date", if you will, although they are still quite shit at the whole having "The Conversation" thing. Ant admits to a few things that he wanted to come clear about (namely a sexual encounter of his with another man), Dec is not exactly sure how he feels about that (apart from unhealthily jealous and possessive).

Currently Ant is not really feeling on top of things, following a visit by Little Ant and a voicemail from his Mam. He mainly just wants Dec, who's left to get tea like ten minutes ago and to be fair, that's already way too much time to spend apart, so.

Dec is leaning on the bar counter in their studio's green room, waiting for their teas to brew, distractedly munching on a Jammie Dodger when she just wonders in. He tries to say something along the lines of 'oh shit', but he's mid-bite and he kind of chokes on a piece of biscuit and consequently starts coughing immediately. He tries to spit the soggy biscuit crumbs into a napkin in the most dignified way possible and she starts laughing at him heartily. And well, Dec really doesn’t appreciate that, despite knowing how ridiculous he must look. He is still concentrating pretty hard on, you know… not dying when she pulls him into a thorough hug.

It’s a long one and it feels like, she’s trying to tell him something with it, he’s just not quite sure what, but nevertheless it’s reassuring in a way that can only come from the familiarity of someone you’ve known a really long time.

'Cat,' Dec finally manages when they come out of the hug, wiping tears from his eyes, still coughing a bit, but breathing a lot more easily now. ‘Hey pet.’

‘You okay, love?’ she asks, tucking a blonde strand behind her ear, laughing again.

He nods and for a moment they just stare at each other in silence because of how impossible the whole thing feels – Cat is here (here in England - and in their green room, of all places!) and well, also, Dec almost just died in a Jammie Dogder-related accident. Maybe he could sue ITV. Where there’s a blame, there’s a claim, he thinks vaguely humorously.

Then Cat says, 'You completely forgot, I was coming, didn’t you.’

And… that, he did.

They set it up weeks and weeks ago – she texted him a couple times and she was coming back home to England for a bit anyway, so they were talking about going out for dinner, the three of them, after the live show, to do a bit of catching up.

But lately they've not really been on top of things, to say the least, and in the chaotic whirlwind of all kinds of pictures in tabloids and their messy fights, Dec’s been feeling like he can only focus on the task that’s directly ahead of him in order to avoid going absolutely crazy.

So, actually, no, he didn’t just forget about Cat coming; it seemed like, setting it up never even happened, or maybe in another lifetime, but definitely not only a few months ago.

Cat is still looking at him, so he simply just nods yes, because they’ve been friends for way too long to lie to her about something like that.

‘We did, I'm so sorry. There's just been some stuff going on and- I mean, it's great that you're here though-’

'It's great that you think that it's great that I'm here,’ Cat interrupts him quickly with a relieved smile. ‘Because I wasn't sure whether I should come or not after all this stuff. I mean, you guys invited me, but you know. All this is happening…’ here she makes a vague motion with her hand implying all this that’s currently happening, ‘But I just thought, you know, I don't come home all that often nowadays, so…'

'No, it's great, I'm honestly chuffed,’ Dec tells her and when he actually thinks about it, he comes to the conclusion that he’s not lying about this at all, not even a little bit; he’s glad that Cat is here. She represents something that’s constant, something that’s still normal in their life. ‘You look great, by the way,' he tells her, making her smile.

She really does. Dec has always kind of been half in love with her from the very first moment and it’s still like that. She’s really pretty – she’s always been, but she looks attractive in a more sophisticated way now –, Dec could die for her long blondish hair (although nowadays it’s more light brown, he notices), she also has a sort of delicate feminineness about her that he’s fascinated by, but at the same time he’s always loved her ever-present crude sense of humour and he knows, she’s always up for a laugh. She looks older than he remembers, but it suits her and – it’s a cliché, but she kind of grew into her face.

'Thanks, darling. I don’t look as great as Ashley Roberts though – I just ran into her outside and wow. Very American,’ she says the last bit like it’s a nasty piece of gossip and Dec loves her for that even more.

Dec laughs. 'Yeah, she is.’ Then he considers it, ‘You’re kinda very American too,' he adds with a playful smile.

‘Shut up,’ Cat says, dismissing him easily with a wave of her hand in a way that says, she’s very much used to this kind of banter. ‘You know what I mean though, she’s just… wow.’

‘She definitely is,’ Dec admits and to be fair, she’s totally Dec’s type. Still, if it ever came to it - if he was not fiercely in love with his best friend, that is -, he would choose Cat over Ashley any day.

'But last I heard, you were taken…' she says and horrifyingly, it sounds like a question, or at least something that Dec should elaborate on, and while the tone is mockingly mischievous, he can’t help but hear a fair amount of caution in it.

Cat doesn’t look sure if she has any business asking about this and Dec… Well, Dec has no idea what he thinks about that. He doesn’t have much experience with talking about relationship stuff and it’s definitely even harder when it comes to his relationship with Ant, because that’s never been something that was openly up for discussion. He has no idea where the lines are, what he feels comfortable sharing.

‘I… Sort of, yeah,’ he manages, and he can’t help, but feel that this uncertainty is kind of a setback, but to be fair, it has been an absolute roller-coaster of day and Dec doesn’t feel like putting much more energy into expressing his inner turmoil more adequately.

Cat raises an eyebrow. She looks hurt, like Dec just said something wrong, something slightly problematic. Dec has no clue why though, so he waits for her to elaborate.

'Come on, Declan, don't do this,’ Cat pleads, her voice strangely high-pitched. ‘I’ve known you for…'

'Oh. It's not- I’m not not telling you, Cat,’ he protests, understanding Cat’s reaction now. ‘It’s just, well, I’m not sure how it works at the minute.'

Cat raises a perfectly shaped, sceptical eyebrow at that. ‘What’s this then?’ she asks, shoving her phone into Dec’s hand and wow, that’s…

‘Weird,’ he says dazedly.

Dec thinks he really should get used to seeing pictures of him and Ant snogging in various locations, posted on the internet, but no, it still comes a shock seeing it so public, so sensationalised. It’s a bit different this time around though, because… Well, he knew about these pictures. He made a conscious (if not entirely free-willed) decision to participate in them; he agreed to do this. It’s the park ones, because of course it’s the park ones, and it feels silly now, but somehow he’s already almost forgotten about them; moved on, anxiously waiting for the next problem, the next catastrophe to survive and apprehensively, very unhealthily fixate on.

He scrolls through the article, flustered, a little bit feeling like he would be very grateful if there was a chair underneath him right now.

He ignores everything that’s written, he just concentrates on the pictures, and that’s already more than enough to deal with - he doesn’t need the shitty tabloid narration of their life on top of it all, thank you very much.

On the first picture they are in the queue for the burger stand, waiting for their food, and he’s looking up at Ant with a sweet, loving smile (‘That’s my favourite - it’s like a wedding picture, isn’t it,’ Cat offers with a concerning amount of enthusiasm, from where she’s plastered to Dec’s back now, looking over his shoulder to see the phone.) Dec thinks that the second one is okay, - it’s just them walking next to each other - up until he realises that they are holding hands on it and… okay. So that’s what they look like when they are holding hands. Interesting.

The next one is the first one to feature a kiss and the phone shakes in Dec’s hand for a second. Strangely, with this one, he’s not too concerned about how it looks (apparently it looks ‘very very cute’, according to Cat), but about the fact that they actually have a picture of their first truly free kiss. One for the grandchildren. Or… something like that.

The ones after that feature them on the bench, eating, kissing, then laughing, then kissing some more and oh, here’s the homophobic woman, shit.

Dec scrolls back up to the top though, because he honestly just can’t deal with that right now and… here he is again, smiling at Ant, looking like he’s happy, proud, carefree and very much in love.

‘Weird,’ he says again.

Cat laughs at him, not mockingly so; it sounds soft and bright. ‘When the whole country is talking about you having an affair with your best friend and you go to a park and start snogging him senseless, then there’s absolutely nothing weird about it ending up on the internet.’

‘No, that’s not what I meant, it’s just so weird to see it like that,’ Dec explains. ‘It was a publicity thing that we did,’ he adds at the end, mumbling distractedly, like a non-too-important disclaimer.

‘Yeah, because that looks just like a publicity thing that you did,’ Cat laughs.

Dec just leaves it at that, and he’s not sure why - maybe he’s just tired of explaining something he doesn’t understand himself, maybe he just doesn’t care that much anymore.

‘I’m sorry it came out- The whole thing, I mean… I’m sorry that it came out like that. It’s not fair. You deserved better,’ Cat says then, much more serious, and Dec looks up.

For a moment he doesn’t know what to say, because for the first time someone actually acknowledged this, someone expressed just how wrong this whole situation is, the fact that someone outed them against their will, poking into their personal life uninvited, (not to say that they are not at fault here, but cheating and lying, those are the crimes they are guilty of, and surely, surely the punishment-like attention for being in an affair that happens to be a gay one, while simultaneously being on television is not fair on any level) and it’s quite overwhelming to hear his own thoughts of injustice directly expressed to him.

In the end he just smiles at her gratefully, ‘Thanks.’

‘But you know. That’s just your fabulous showbiz life, isn’t it? Can’t go anywhere without being recognised, you poor souls. Fame, fortune, sex, money, scandals…! Maybe you should murder someone next. Ooh, or better: have a reality show!’ she teases him and Dec can’t help himself but hit her in the shoulder playfully.

‘Shut up.’

‘Ooor, maybe you should make a sex tape. That would sell well. Let me know if you wanted to. I know some people,’ she offers, mock-serious and looking at him with overly-scandalous eyes, but she can’t keep a straight face for long.

‘Oh, shut your face…’ Dec hits her again.

They laugh like they just said goodbye to each other yesterday, after a long morning of doing SM:TV, and it’s refreshing to be able to have fun with someone who’s not Ant. Maybe takes the pressure off their relationship a bit. Maybe Dec needs reminding sometimes that he’s capable of existence without Ant by his side every single minute of the day, so he can cherish the time that they do spend together even more.

It feels good and easy to be with Cat like that, but in a way it’s also nerve-wrecking, because of what Dec knows is coming next. They are at that point in the conversation. And indeed, although Cat is still smiling at him brightly, her voice turns sincere as she asks in a much quieter voice, 'You two okay?'

Dec sighs. He decides, he’s not so much uncomfortable talking about it, as he just doesn’t have the answers. Because the ‘you two okay’ question is way more complicated than it actually appears to be on the surface. Are they? Dec wants to think so, but he had just one too many panicky breakdowns in various bathrooms over the last couple of days to be able to say that they are with complete certainty. So many things have gone wrong today already and it’s not even show time.

'Yeah,’ he says, but his voice doesn’t come out right. He clears his throat. ‘Getting there,' is what he eventually manages, because he doesn’t want to sound bitter, he doesn’t want to appear as morbidly fed up as he actually feels.

Cat however is not the type of person who is satisfied with that kind of answer, and actually, wow, how could Dec even think that she was going to just let it go that easily? They really do need to meet up more often.

‘So… hang on, you are in a relationship then?' she presses, somehow making it sound like it’s the least intrusive question ever.

Dec still doesn’t have the answers however, no matter how relentless or good at this Cat is, so he goes for something light-hearted. 'Well, everyone seems to think so,' he says dismissively, not looking her in the eye.

'What kind of answer is that?' she asks with furrowed eyebrows, but also like she’s worried that she’s gone just a bit too far this time.

Dec sighs, more just frustrated with himself than anything anything else, really. 'The I don't know kind. It's just… this whole talking about things is pretty new to me, sorry. I mean…’ he trails off. ‘It's like no one's surprised. Like people were expecting it,’ it almost explodes out of him, the words coming quick and loud; this has been bothering him for a while now. ‘Like everyone fucking secretly knew about it like…!’

There is a moment of silence and Cat is looking at him with this very very patient expression on her face, like she’s waiting for him to realise something, like she wants him to figure it out on his own.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Dec curses when he finally understands. ‘I give up,’ he says, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I fucking give up. Why is it even such a big deal if every person on this bloody planet knew about it, huh? Why? If this is not even new information to anyone, why does it still make the front page of every shitty tabloid in this stupid country like? Aren’t people more interested in… I don’t know, Posh and Becks, or something?!’

Cat laughs at him, but she’s rubbing at his shoulder comfortingly. She leans over the counter then, rummaging for a bit, then turning back towards Dec with a plastic teaspoon.

‘Well, not everyone knew about it,’ she says consolingly, fishing out the teabags from both of the teas that Dec has already completely forgotten about. She dumps them unceremoniously on top a single napkin, drenching the whole counter immediately and looking like she couldn’t care less. She puts down the spoon and looks into Dec’s face with a part-apologetic, part-pleading expression. ‘But, I mean - and I’m only speaking for myself here -, if you think about it, you were never really careful about it when it was just the three of us, so I just assumed you thought that I knew, and I mean, it wasn't exactly a big deal, so…'

Dec lets out a disbelieving little laugh. 'Ant was with Lisa though. I was dating Clare-'

Cat holds up a hand, before he could go any further than that. ‘I’m not saying I understood exactly what was going on, Dec, but you know... It’s the two of you. It’s just your thing,’ she explains easily.

‘Our thing,’ Dec repeats incredulously.

‘Well, yeah,’ she grins at him bright and happy, stunning Dec into silence for a moment.

‘I feel like I have to go now and re-evaluate my life,’ he deadpans finally and Cat laughs warmly.

‘Better now than never,’ she says. Cheeky. ‘Where’s your loved up other half, then?’

‘Dressing room,’ Dec replies, only bothering to roll his eyes at that, and well, okay, maybe he understands why so many people have always taken this for granted - they never exactly discouraged the notion that there was something between them deeper than friendship. But it never really bothered him, he was never really iffy about assumptions like that. If that’s even possible, he was always sort of clear on where he stood: pretty much very into blonde girls, but kind of also very much happily attached to Ant in every way possible. A bit of teasing about their closeness was always welcome, met with a slightly embarrassed, but mostly proudly possessive smile or a funnier counter-joke. It never even occurred to either of them to get prissy about it, especially because most of it was… well, true.

‘We still have a bit of time, I think, if you wanna come, see him before the show?’ he suggests, looking at his watch. He grabs both teas when Cat nods and starts making his way out of the green room with her close behind.

‘Oh yeah, how’s the show going?’ Cat asks as they walk down a corridor, seemingly having realised that for now, she’s not going to get anything more specific out of him, relationship-wise.

‘Well, you know…’ Dec shrugs. ‘It’s okay, I think. It’s one big gay joke, the whole thing, with loads of embarrassing bits and making fun of ourselves, but we never had too much dignity anyway.’

‘So you’re acknowledging it,’ she nods seriously.

‘We can’t just ignore it, to be fair,’ he smiles back tepidly.

Cat shakes her head. ‘I know plenty of people who would. And you have to give yourself credit when you’re doing something right.’

‘Hah, yeah, because doing something right is exactly what this is. Forced out of the closet and we are gracious enough to acknowledge it. Well done us!’

They are suddenly stopped when they get to the next turn - a couple of stage-hands seemingly have tried to move a large piece of the stage set through the corridors, but now it’s stuck. Dec is assured by several people rapidly that the issue is going to be solved any minute now, but he just raises his eyebrows at them, like he couldn’t be less fazed by this catastrophic turn of events and leans on a wall casually, continuing his conversation with Cat, waiting to be able to get through.

‘You see, a tiny part of me thought, you two put the picture out,’ Cat says in a way that’s almost outrageously shy, especially coming from her.

‘What, that we did this whole thing on purpose?’ Dec asks back, definitely not as outraged as he perhaps would have been a day, maybe even hours ago.

She nods silently.

‘You’re not the first person to accuse me of that today,’ Dec remarks, surprised to detect humour in his own voice. ‘Ant and you should really make a Facebook group for that or something.’

He laughs, but Cat just gapes at him. ‘Wait, he said what?’

Dec sighs again. ‘I don’t know, Cat,’ he says, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. There are quite a few people mulling around now, waiting for the corridor to be free to walk again, but the casual chatting of people and the shouts of the stage-hands make enough noise for Dec to deem it a safe environment to have this conversation in. He’s at a point where he doesn’t care much anyway, to be fair.

‘At first it was just that we reacted really differently,’ he starts explaining it, from the start, from the beginning, like he never had a chance to do so with his Mam, like he felt too awkward to with Ali, and too uncomfortable with his sister. ‘He automatically tried to defend what they had with Lisa, which is fair enough, but for me, it was all about finally doing what we should have done ten years ago. Being honest about it. I guess,’ he chuckles, realising the irony of it just now, ‘I reacted like everyone else, assuming that we’d be together now that’s it out, just taking it for granted.

‘But then he broke up with Lise, but decided not to tell me, so I could choose to leave him if I wanted to apparently, or… whatever the fuck that was about,’ he looks at Cat here significantly, with a “can you believe how stupid and annoying he is” kind of look, and when Cat laughs (surprised a little, but indulging) it feels like the best thing in the whole wide world.

‘And well, I’m definitely not with Ali, but it’s just… well, there were some trust-’ Dec stops himself before he could say “issues”. ‘There were some trust things… On my part, mainly. And maybe that’s why he seems to think that it’s like honesty hour now or something, because he keeps coming up with all these things that he never told me and I just… fuck, I wish we could just… Stop time or something. Call half-time. Because we have no idea how to handle any of this fucked up thing and we… put these people through this thing, this sick thing, for… for years! I mean, Mam’s not talking to me, Lisa is fucking heartbroken, but like, still taking it in her stride, Ali is fucking amazing, doing the manager things, and… fuck, there’s Clare and Georgie and so many other people that we just… fucked. And for what? So we can shag each other? It’s like I never even realised how stupid this whole thing…’ his rant stops suddenly and abruptly, with him having to take an almost unexpected breath out of nowhere, but then he shrugs and lets out an indignant little huff, not bothering to finish his sentence.

‘You’re actually fighting?’ Cat asks into the silence, her eyes a very deep brown.

‘I guess, we finally got to the point of breaking. We always said, it’d happen one day and it wasn’t healthy that we never fought.’ Dec suddenly wonders for a second if it was actually them who always said this, or if it was just one of them, and if yes, which one. He shakes his head, letting go of this pointless thought.

‘It wasn’t just shagging though, Dec. You are in love. You can’t control that,’ Cat says quietly, reminding Dec of a negotiator trying to talk someone off a roof, someone who’s very determined to jump.

‘Well, fuck. I don’t know what the right answer is or what we should have-’ a sudden picture-perfect memory startles him into silence. An echoing church corridor, eight or so years ago, him running, trying to comprehend what’s just happened, trying not to throw up, just running and running, like the coward he is, the fucking mess that he was that day. But, no. He did the right thing. Or… did he? Wasn’t it always going to end like this, out in the open? Didn’t he just postpone the inevitable by not doing what he was prepared to finally go through with that day? ‘We are still responsible for all of this,’ he says gravely after a while, after collecting himself a bit.

‘I wasn’t expecting you to be fighting though,’ Cat says, sort of just thinking aloud.

‘Neither did we,’ Dec replies, grimacing. ‘We ran out of secrets today though, I think,’ he adds, almost like an after-thought, not sounding as hopeful as he’d like. ‘Don’t look at us like that,’ he asks Cat pleadingly when she stares at him, looking a bit like she’s never seen him in her life.

‘Sorry,’ she says, catching herself. ‘I- I guess, I just thought, you would be more…’

‘Prepared for something like this?’ Dec finishes her sentence, laughing humourlessly. ‘Yeah, no, ‘cos, we’re idiots like. But I think for Ant it was way easier to get over all this. It’s like he jumped from this is not serious, it’s never been, to this place where he’s just incredibly comfortable with everything and… I guess, this is what I always wanted and now I know this, but I was just so fucking afraid that I never admitted it to myself and I’m still pretty much just scared shitless,’ he concludes. ‘Well. That’s where we are right now. That’s what I mean by I don’t know.’

Cat seems to think about it for a moment, taking it all in, processing, then - looking as enlightened as it goes - she says, ‘You’ve been struggling with this for a lifetime, Decs. You had way too much time to think about it and make up all these problems in your head, whether they are real or not. You just have more to get through than he does,’ she says and Dec is a bit taken aback by how it’s actual sensible advise, even if it can just be translated into a simple “give it time”. ‘Like the wedding thing?’ Cat adds tentatively and oh, fuck.

‘Shit. I forgot you knew about that,’ Dec shakes his head, pointedly staring at his shoes. The pain he expects from the mention of the wedding doesn’t come this time (maybe he’s exhausted his quota for the day or it’s too soon, from a moment ago when he thought about it, to hurt properly again), and that’s unusual, but he does feel more embarrassed than he has in a long while, and that’s really something, considering he just had several close-up pictures of snogging Ant’s face off exposed to, and tabloid-pushed-down-the-throats of, most of the country’s population.

‘I was there,’ Cat says significantly. ‘I don’t just know about it, I fucking saw it happen.’

Dec is infinitely thankful for the distraction of someone coming up to him, saying that the set piece really is stuck and maybe they are better off choosing a different route and just going the long way around, so the wedding topic is left well and alone. Dec exchanges pleasantries about this overall quite sitcom-humorous turn of events with the person and (‘They were not supposed to move it through here, but a couple of the new guys didn’t know,’ he explains to Cat) turns around to walk back the way they came from.

‘So… I mean, I just assumed that you’re like together, especially after the pictures, but now I’m… not so sure?’ Cat continues her probing, and despite his general and automatic annoyance by this line of questioning, Dec finds that it’s really nice to complain to someone about all this.

‘Yeah. Yeah? Maybe. Probably.’ Dec shoots her a painful smile when he realises how stupid that sounded. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Have you talked about it?’ she asks, laughing a little, as they turn onto another corridor.

‘We… sort of did,’ Dec confirms, but then he goes off-topic, his thoughts racing too fast for him to make them coherent enough to even just stop himself from casually blurting them out. ‘Today he said I love you to me in the most casual way and I said it back without even thinking about it and I feel like… It doesn’t feel like a normal relationship, like we didn’t have any of those moments, like we never even had a first date like, but I feel like I’ve been dating him since I was twenty or something – how is that right?’ he asks, feeling every bit as pathetic as he know he must sound.

‘It can’t be right just because it’s not usual?’ Cat asks back wonderingly, for some reason still humouring Dec. ‘Okay, so you didn’t have a traditional I love you moment, so what?’ (Dec opens his mouth here, because while they might not have had a so-to-speak “traditional” I love you moment - and Ant might stupidly deny that that was their first one on top of that -, it was still pretty romcom-like, thank you very much, involving some leftover curry, crap telly and Peter Andre being their upstairs neighbour playing a weirdly significant role in all of it, but then he thinks better of it and just lets Cat continue without interrupting). ‘You have other things. You have a kind of connection that most people wouldn’t ever dare dream of…’

‘I guess so,’ Dec says awkwardly. He still finds it incredibly strange how other people perceive their relationship, how other people consider his day-to-day normal to be unique and special. Not to say, he’s not aware of how lucky he is to have found Ant, it’s just…

He stops at a door leading to a set of service stairs, holds it open for Cat, lets her grab onto his arm as she - surprisingly elegantly - struggles down them in her heels. ‘It’s just confusing and I feel like I can’t figure it out - any of it,’ he says finally. ‘And there’s just so much pressure from everywhere to do the right thing and be so many things and it’s bloody all over the papers like and…’

‘I really didn’t expect you to be this hesitant about this,’ Cat says earnestly, stopping for a moment.

Dec looks at her. Then with new-found energy, ‘I mean just because it’s supposed to work, just because it’s us, it doesn’t mean that it actually will. We’re just jumping into it and there’s no time to adjust, not like when you’re actually dating someone, to get used to them, to figure out their habits and-‘

‘But, Dec…’ she interrupts him, sounding astonished. ‘You don’t need to do that,’ she laughs incredulously, shaking her head.

He looks at her, a bit frustrated, waiting for her to explain.

‘You know all this. Yeah, this might be an issue for other people who get together like this, from an affair or whatever, and yeah, it might be an adjustment, a hard one, but the pair of you are…’ she laughs again, almost fondly, ‘…strange and weird and… just think it through! You know what’s it like to live with him. You see each other every single day. You know his habits, you know what he does first thing in the morning, you know how he takes his coffee, you have shared a bathroom together, you do actually go shopping together. Dec, you have a joint twitter account for god's sake,' she finishes, looking like she’s clearly just won this whole thing altogether.

Dec opens his mouth to snarl back at her, but then he realises, he’s not sure what to say. After a while he just puts a hand on her lower back to usher her forwards and in the right direction. They don’t say much of anything for the rest of the way; Dec deep in his thoughts, Cat clicking with her heels like she’s the queen of the universe or something and she just solved Dec’s every problem single-handedly.

Well, Dec thinks with a wry smile, as he hands her the teas so he can open his dressing room door. Maybe she is. And maybe she didn’t exactly solve everything, but. This is definitely a start, or… maybe even a clear sighting of a finish line that, until a minute ago, Dec wasn’t even sure - couldn’t possibly hope! - existed.

chapter 30

#ant and dec #kumbusha #anthony mcpartlin #declan donnelly #fic by me #my post #secrets tears and what ifs #ant and dec fanfiction

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