#And spoil all my friends' kids because I can (and because I certainly don't have any of my own)

[satari-raine]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday. I really, really appreciate it. <3 Hope everyone is having a good holiday season or a relaxing last few days of the year. Hang in there, and take care of yourselves as best you can. Rooting for you all, as always.

[kikyoupdates]

Infatuated ⭑˚💌⭑ 𝑗𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑜𝑢𝑠𝑦

yandere!bnha x reader

yandere, reverse harem, bnha x fem!reader, slowburn, slowburn yandere

Your Quirk is rather unique. It plays out almost like a game, giving you missions and goals that help you become stronger. On top of that, you also have the ability to charm those around you. It sounds innocent enough on paper, and you can’t help but revel in the attention everyone keeps showering you with. But what happens when their feelings give way to something more sinister?

prologue | story masterlist | next

After what just happened, it feels like you have to tell your parents about it.  

“Mom, dad,” you say. “I think I just got my Quirk.”  

They react by smiling brightly. “Oh, that’s lovely, sweetie. What kind of Quirk is it?”  

Now comes the hard part. Since even you barely know how your powers work, explaining it to them will be a nearly impossible feat.  

You furrow your brows. “Um... it’s kind of weird. Out of nowhere, I started seeing this screen with different stuff written all over it. Nobody else can see it, though, so that’s why I think it might be my Quirk.”  

Out of fear of getting in trouble, you decide not to tell them about the fact that Katsuki passed out after you used your ability on him. You already feel pretty guilty about it. For the time being, you just want to figure out how your Quirk actually works.

“A screen that’s invisible to everyone but you?”  

Your parents exchange confused glances. It makes sense that they don't quite understand, because under normal circumstances, Quirks are mostly hereditary. Children most often develop powers that are similar to those of their parents, or some combination of the two. But neither of your parents has a power like yours, which is why you were so perplexed when it first popped up.  

“Interesting,” your mother hums. “And you’re sure it’s your Quirk? It’s not just some game you like to play with your friends? It’s important to know the difference between real life and pretend, honey.”  

You nod vigorously. “I’m not making it up. I promise.”  

“[Name]’s a good girl,” your father insists. “If she says she isn’t lying, then we should believe her. Quirks are mutations, at the end of the day. It might be unlikely, but it’s still possible for her to have powers different from ours. All that matters is that she finally has something to call her own. I remember being awfully excited when my Quirk first manifested. It’s a big milestone, after all.”  

“Well, I suppose that’s true. Okay, then. In that case, we should celebrate,” your mother beams. “Our little girl finally has a Quirk! What would you like to do to commemorate the occasion, hm? Do you want us to order you some yummy food or take you shopping to buy something you like?”  

Your parents love to spoil you, and since you are only a little kid, you certainly can't help but capitalize on the opportunity. 

The day your Quirk manifests, your family treats you to a delicious meal and even buys you a little gift. You end up having so much fun that you briefly forget all about your initial goal, which is to try and decipher the specifics of your Quirk. You even forget about poor Katsuki, who is bedridden after suddenly fainting.  

It isn't until later that same night that it all comes back to you, thanks to a sudden notification. 

[𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍: 𝐒𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞.]

You’ve just gotten into bed and are staring up at your bedroom ceiling when you see the message pop up. It showed up completely unprompted, just like last time. This has to be your Quirk. Nothing else would make any sense. Well, unless you're somehow trapped in an incredibly long dream, but that seems like a stretch. 

“Charm someone,” you mumble. You have to admit that you're a little nervous. The last time you used your ability on a person, they passed out. Will the same thing happen again? Also, why is it calling this a mission? It almost seems to imply that there's some sort of reward to be had once you complete it.  

There's really no way of knowing—other than actually trying it out, of course.  

When morning rolls around, you head straight for Katsuki’s house and knock on his front door.  

Mitsuki is the one to greet you. “Oh, hi there,” she smiles. “You’re one of Katsuki’s little friends, aren’t you? Thank you for bringing him home the other day when he wasn’t feeling well.”  

“I’m [Name],” you say, trying not to look too guilty, since you're the whole reason Katsuki fainted in the first place. “Is Katsuki feeling better today?”  

“He’s perfectly fine. I’m sure he was just tired and needed some rest. He’s eating breakfast right now, but did you want to come inside and talk to him for a bit?”

After you respond with an affirmative nod, Mitsuki ushers you into the house. It's your first time actually being here. It still hasn't been very long since you’ve moved into the neighborhood, and even though you often play with Katsuki and the rest of his friends, you have yet to visit any of their homes. 

You find Katsuki sitting at the dining table, spooning some cereal into his mouth. You're pretty much always thrilled to see him. He is one of your role models, and you can only hope that you'll one day be as confident and fearless as he is.  

So, naturally, you break out into a grin the second you spot him. 

“Katsuki!” you cry out, practically rushing over to him. “Good morning!”  

As much as you wish you could say that Katsuki responds with the same enthusiasm, that isn't at all the case.  

Instead, he visibly recoils, cheeks darkening to a deep shade of red.  

“Why are you here?” he huffs, sounding a bit annoyed. “I already told you that I was fine yesterday. You didn’t need to make such a fuss over nothing. And you even took me back to my parents? I would’ve been back to normal if you gave me a few minutes. I was just taking a little nap, that’s all.”  

Your shoulders slump. “Oh. I’m sorry. I know you’re really strong, Katsuki, but you fainted so suddenly. I was so worried I almost started crying...”

He doesn't snap at you a second time. Instead, he spoons another helping of milk and cereal into his mouth, still blushing all the way up to his ears. He appears to be avoiding eye contact, and you suspect that it has something to do with the fact that you kissed him yesterday.  

He doesn't seem to blame you for the fact that he passed out, though. No one really thinks you're responsible for that incident. They still don't even know that your Quirk has manifested.  

A part of you wants to tell him, but that would be the same thing as admitting you made him fall ill the other day. So, for the time being, you decide to keep your mouth shut. You want answers first. 

Katsuki’s glances at you out of the corner of his eye. “What do you keep staring at me for? Weirdo. You’re being kind of annoying, so here. Have this candy bar. I was saving it for later, but you can have it instead.”

“Wow, really?” you gush. “Thank you so much! You’re the best, Katsuki.”  

He can't help but crack a grin. “Yeah, yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.”  

You hang out with Katsuki for a while longer after he finishes up his breakfast. He gives you the grand tour of his room—which is decked out in a bunch of All Might merch and looks super impressive—and then you eventually take your leave.  

Before you do, though, you want to make sure of one last thing.  

“Are you sure you're feeling alright?” you insist. “It was really scary seeing you collapse like that. I just don’t want you to be hurt. I’d be really sad if that was the case.”  

Katsuki rolls his eyes. “You’re nagging me the same way my mom does. I already told you I’m fine. I can handle that much, no sweat. Didn’t I already tell you I’m going to become the Number One hero one day?”  

“Well... alright. As long as you’re okay.”  

You have a mission to charm someone, but you have no intention of using it on Katsuki again. If you end up making him faint a second time, it would seriously weigh on your conscience.  

So, you decide to approach your other closest friend, Izuku.  

Izuku is different than Katsuki. He's a bit of a crybaby, but that's only because he's such a sweet, honest kid. He tends to be more emotional than most, which just goes to show how much he cares about things. He especially cares about other people and making sure that they always have smiles on their faces. He hates to watch someone get hurt, and when Katsuki fainted, he was easily the most frantic out of everyone. 

Given his considerate nature, you feel like it would be okay to entrust him with the truth.  

“So... your Quirk manifested yesterday?” he blinks. “And after you kissed Kacchan and used your powers on him, he fainted?”

You press your lips into a thin line, feeling quite guilty with the admission. “Yeah. Please don’t tell anyone else yet, Izuku. You’re the only one who knows, because I trust you to keep it a secret. My Quirk seems pretty confusing so far, so I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with it.”  

“I-I promise to keep it a secret!” he reassures, nodding his head so fast that his curly green locks bob in place.  

“Thank you, Izuku.” You pause, not quite sure how to breach the next topic. “Um... there was actually something else I wanted to tell you about.”  

His brows arch. “Sure. What is it?”  

“My Quirk... it gave me a mission. It said I have to charm someone again. I’m not sure what’ll happen when I actually do it, but I want to give it a try and see how it goes. I’m hoping it might help me figure things out.”  

“Oh, okay.”  

Clearly, Izuku doesn't seem to understand where you're going with this, but once the realization finally sets in, a strangled little gasp catches in the back of his throat.  

“W-Wait!” he squeaks, flailing his hands in a panic. “D-Do you mean that you want to use your Quirk... on me?”  

You smile shyly. “I was hoping to, yes. I have to kiss someone before I can charm them, though. Would that be okay? A kiss on the cheek, like what I did to Katsuki yesterday?”  

At only four years of age, even just a cheek kiss is a big deal. Someone like Katsuki is normally unfazed by most things, but even he got incredibly flustered when you kissed him. You can only imagine how Izuku—the shyest kid in the neighborhood—might react.  

He’ll probably refuse. If he does, I should just leave it. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.  

To no one’s surprise, Izuku is already burning red from embarrassment. He’s taken several steps back, most likely out of pure instinct, and is now clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles are white as paper.  

“You want to k-kiss me,” Izuku stammers nervously.  

“Only if you let me,” you promise. “I don’t want to make you upset. It’s just that it’s the only way to use my charm ability, so... yeah. But then again, I’m worried that you might end up fainting too. Ugh. I don’t really know what to do...”  

Embarrassment aside, you can understand why Izuku might be afraid to let you use your Quirk on him, especially after what he just witnessed yesterday. He has every right to refuse, purely from a self-preservation standpoint.  

But he doesn't.

“O-Okay,” Izuku swallows. “I’m happy you got your Quirk, [Name]. And... I want to help. Y-You can kiss me if you need to. Even if I pass out, it’s okay. As long as I can help you.”  

He proceeds to squeeze his eyes shut, no doubt too flustered to bear watching everything unfold. You officially have his go-ahead, and even though you don't want to end up making him feel unwell, you aren't sure how else you're supposed to get used to your Quirk.  

Please don’t make Izuku faint. Please let him be okay.  

Drawing in a sharp breath, you slowly approach him. Despite the fact that his eyes are closed, he can still hear you moving closer, and he starts shaking like a leaf in the wind. You figure it's best to just go for it as quickly as possible and spare him the nervous anticipation. 

Blushing quite a bit yourself, you peck Izuku on the cheek, then hastily pull away.  

“I-It’s done,” you say. “Izuku, you can open your eyes now.”  

He does just that, although it takes him a while to actually work up the nerve. Eyes the color of emeralds slowly drift open, and he even lets out a nervous little hiccup, clearly mortified beyond belief.

“A-A girl—hic—a girl actually k-kissed me,” Izuku stutters.  

[𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒎 𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐲𝐚 𝐈𝐳𝐮𝐤𝐮?]

There it is again. You now have the option of using your ability, just like before. You can't deny that you're a little worried. A power that makes people fall over unconscious is quite daunting, but you hope that things won't always turn out that way.

“Hold my hand,” you offer. “Just in case you fall over. I’ll catch you so that you don’t get hurt.”  

Nodding shyly, Izuku wraps his little hand around yours, then you finally make your selection. 

>>[𝐘𝐄𝐒]

It doesn't take very long for your Quirk to take effect. Much like Katsuki, he starts looking weak and unsteady. You hold his hand tightly, even loop your arm around his back to make sure he doesn't suddenly faceplant onto the ground. His breathing is getting shallower by the second, and if you thought the blush on his cheeks before was outrageous, it can't even compare to the one he has now.

“I feel... weird,” Izuku mumbles. Too weak to even remember his earlier embarrassment, he clings to your body as if he's holding on for dear life. “[Name], what’s... what’s happening? I feel... warm and fuzzy. So warm...”  

You fear that he's getting close to passing out. So far, it seems to be following the exact same pattern as before. Darn it. Is this really a mistake? Is coming to terms with your Quirk really worth doing this to the people you care about?  

Before you can ponder the moral implications of your actions, Izuku suddenly cups your cheek with his hand, then presses his lips against yours.  

Um?!  

It's a quick, chaste kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. A real kiss, not just one on the cheek. You feel like your entire face is on fire, and it's safe to say that you’ve been momentarily stunned from embarrassment.  

And by Izuku, no less. A kid who would’ve never had the guts to do that under normal circumstances.  

“Hehe,” he giggles, appearing somewhat delirious. “I kissed [Name]… on the lips. Wow. Was I your first kiss? I sure... hope so.”  

He goes limp in your arms right after that.  

[𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧! 𝐀𝐬 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐥𝐲. 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲. 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐛𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬.]

Your body is briefly enveloped by a strange, pulsing light, and you swear that something inside you just changed. It's such a subtle change that it's probably almost negligible, but you know you aren't imagining it.  

Also, Izuku has definitely fainted. You are now responsible for having made two of your friends pass out.  

You shoulder the weight of his body as best you can, then let out a heavy sigh. “I need to get him back home as soon as possible."

Your Quirk is kind of like a game. Based on what you know about it so far, at least. If you keep on completing the missions the system gives you, then you will be rewarded by having your strength increase. It's like gaining experience points and leveling up. That's the best analogy you can think of. 

You don't like making people faint, though. After charming both Katsuki and Izuku, it's clear that the effects of your powers are perhaps too strong. You really hope there's a way to control it better. Maybe you're simply too inexperienced?  

“Hey, system,” you call out. “I’m still kind of confused about this whole thing. Can you please explain it better? I don’t want to make my friends keep fainting.”

You don't receive a response, so you figure it isn't an entity you can actually communicate with. It doesn't appear sentient, at the very least. It's most likely just there to give you missions and track your progress.  

Well, that sucks. 

You still want answers. Then again, nobody ever said that mastering a Quirk would be easy, and you’ve only just gotten yours. You suppose you'll just have to be patient.  

Out of the little friend group consisting of you, Katsuki, and Izuku, you are the first to have your Quirk manifest. 

After that, it's Katsuki.  

Since he has such a strong personality, it isn't at all a surprise that his Quirk would turn out to be strong too. He has the ability to create literal explosions from the palms of his hands. It's honestly incredible, and everyone in the neighborhood—as well as the other kids in the local preschool you attend—can't help but be in awe.  

Once Katsuki’s Quirk manifests, his personality starts to change, and not for the better.  

Eager to show off his strength, he starts getting in fights with all sorts of people. Most of them are other kids his age, but he even picks a few fights with those that are several years older than him. And he never, never loses.  

“Wow, Katsuki!” you gush. “You’re so amazing! I can’t believe you beat those guys up even though they were so much bigger than you!”  

Since you're young and stupid, you don't realize that in praising Katsuki for his acts of violence, you are actually part of the problem.

Katsuki sniffles, wiping away his tears before they fall. He got quite a beating during the fight, but in spite of that, he still held out until he won. “Obviously,” he huffs. “I’m not going to let anyone talk smack about me. It doesn’t matter how much bigger or older they are.”  

You haven't received any more missions since the day you charmed Izuku, but by now everyone knows that you at least have some sort of Quirk. Katsuki was skeptical at first, but even the doctor was able to confirm that your Quirk factor—which is what allows your powers to function—is located in your brain. So long as your brain keeps working, you have the means to interact with the system and use your abilities.  

The same can't be said about Izuku, though.  

He keeps waiting for his Quirk to appear. He waits and waits, and yet it still shows no sign of manifesting. All Quirks are supposed to manifest by the age of four, with no exceptions. You do everything you can to reassure Izuku that it's going to be okay, but no one seems to understand why he hasn't gotten his Quirk yet.  

Somewhere along the way, Izuku is labeled as Quirkless, and with his newfound cruelty, Katsuki makes sure to torment Izuku at nearly every turn. 

“From now on, we’re going to call Izuku Deku,” Katsuki chuckles. “Deku means someone who’s a good-for-nothing loser. It’s perfect for him, since he’s a Quirkless weakling.”  

You frown. “That’s not nice, Katsuki. Take that back. There’s still some time left. Izuku will get his Quirk soon, you’ll see.”  

“You need to stop defending him, [Name].” Katsuki sighs out in annoyance. “Can’t you see just how lame he is? It actually makes a lot of sense that he doesn’t have a Quirk. I always thought that he was weak. This is just how the world works. Right, guys? Don’t you also think Deku’s a loser?”  

The two other neighborhood kids that often follow Katsuki around, and who have since become his underlings, hastily nod in agreement.

“Deku’s a great name for him.”  

“It’s what he gets for being Quirkless.”  

Poor Izuku is already in tears, and you can't help but ball up your little fists in frustration.  

You like Katsuki. You really do. But lately he’s started acting like a real asshole, and you're honestly getting sick of it.  

“His name is Izuku,” you insist. “Don’t give him a rude nickname to try and make fun of him. Doing that is what’s actually lame.”

“[N-Name],” Izuku whimpers, wiping away at his misty eyes. “Thank you...”  

Even though you are friends with both Izuku and Katsuki, you know well enough to understand when something is just plain wrong. Katsuki is bullying Izuku, and it needs to stop.  

In picking sides, though, you actually end up making Katsuki even angrier.  

“You’re such a goody-two-shoes,” he spits, then uses an explosion to swat Izuku right across the face. His explosions aren't incredibly strong—not yet, at least, since he's still just a child. But they deal enough damage to hurt plenty, and Izuku’s little whimpers soon turn into full-blown sobs. 

Alright. You’ve officially had enough.  

“Come here,” you grit out. You grab Katsuki by the arm and pull him in, then roughly kiss him on the cheek. His immediate instinct is to freak out, of course, but he's mainly embarrassed, not angry.  

[𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐨𝐧 𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐠𝐨𝐮 𝐊𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢?]

>>[𝐘𝐄𝐒]

It doesn't take him long to quiet down after that. While you don't like making people faint and overall feel unwell, desperate times call for desperate measures. It's better than letting him keep harassing and beating up Izuku, in any case. You are choosing to incapacitate one of your friends in order to protect the other one.  

“Not this shit again,” Katsuki mumbles in a daze. He seems to fend off the effects of your Quirk a lot better this time. Perhaps you're starting to get used to controlling its output? But regardless, he still ends up collapsing eventually. You’ve effectively put him to sleep. Hopefully a nap will help him clear his head a bit.  

“Aw, man!” one of the other guys whines. “[Name] just used her Quirk on him. That’s cheating! You can’t just go around doing that!"  

“Nuh-uh,” you deny. “Katsuki used his Quirk to hit Izuku first. He started it. Carry him back home, please. He needs to be put into bed.” 

They make sure to grumble the whole time, but still bring Katsuki back to his parents.  

Now, it's just you and Izuku.  

“Are you okay?” you ask, worry lacing your expression. “I’m sure it probably really hurts to get hit by one of his explosions. I promise it’ll be alright, Izuku. I’m here for you.”  

Izuku nods weakly. “I’m fine. Thank you for helping me. If only I wasn’t so weak... then I could help myself.”  

“You’re not weak at all. And your Quirk will show up soon! I have a good feeling about this.”  

It's pure unfounded confidence, but you're only an idealistic child, after all.  

Strangely enough, though, despite the fact that you’ve just saved him from getting beaten up, Izuku isn't all that happy. He knows you have to kiss someone first before being able to charm them, but he still can't stop replaying what he’s just seen. The way your lips pressed right against Katsuki’s cheek... it's impossible to get it out of his head.  

Izuku is too young to make sense of his emotions, but he is experiencing ugly jealousy for the very first time in his life.  

It’s okay, he thinks. I got to kiss [Name] on the lips before. Even Kacchan hasn’t done that. And she... stood up for me. Because I’m important to her.  

In that moment, even the pain of being Quirkless isn't quite as intense as the fear of losing your affection to someone else.

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[bananamarshmallowz]

I'm here to talk about Destiel...

The internet is a very funny place.

If you're in need of a good laugh, go to your favorite series, show, films what have you and ask what are you unpopular opinions with _said show_.

I have watched dozens of shows and always think I might be the only one, post that and see what happens.

I am a shipper but I normally don't talk or boast about what/who I ship, it's not relevant and it can be weird. I don't ship actors/real humans, that's crossing lines. Characters however, yes. Anyway, I have to bring up this one. One comment said "Destiel shouldn't have happened." Okay, I get that, people can get weird about it. Then they go on to say how every shipper claws and digs for stuff that isn't there.

And again, I'm not saying some people don't dig but not all gay/LGBTQ+ representation is completely shown in media. Mentioned maybe here and there, sure. But there's endless cis-straight-relationship romance movies, romance themes and what have you. Some series make really bad portrayals and give gay people a bad rap because they're the only representation. And don't get me wrong, sometimes we do dig and claw because we feel what they portray, or at least we think so. But sometimes we don't need to dig.

That same thread added the random siren or even the policeman from yellow fever had more chemistry than Dean and Cas ever have. - Him looking at the soldier's ass in Time After Time while walking in the store. Yes, those were weird scenes, why were they even shown? Great question, I don't know I'm just here. - And as for they have no chemistry... They won best chemistry award for TV... It doesn't get better than that.

This is more of a rant than I want but this is certainly one of my favorite shows. And I feel the need to say what's on my mind because I know I can't afford therapy, so this is the next best thing.

Oh yeah before I start this, I have read numerous comments accusing all the actors of horrendous things... - Firstly, they all have kids, and wives and love their kids so much. I don't think they would do anything to jeopardize that. So stop making up messed up shit. - Secondly, I don't want to believe other people make other people uncomfortable for fun, but some people do. But considering that they acted for more than 8 years together, I'm pretty sure working with people that are cool for that long, they all had a strong bond. And all the times that Jensen looks uncomfortable whenever Misha goes into or talks about Destiel, it's because technically they're not even allowed to say anything about the show regarding shipping characters because anything could've been true, it could've not been. If every actor were able to spoil their movie, we'd be out of movies but we aren't. And Jensen is a rather shy individual, funny enough. At the beginning of Supernatural he was 27, and Jared was 23. When Misha joined when he was 34. They were and still are wholesome and great people. Regardless, All of them would pull pranks and stuff on the show, they're friends, not some messed up whatever someone said, I'm blown away that people would even imply some things. You can look up any video of everyone being close with one another from hugs to dancing, to singing to whatever. So don't say "read the room" when they're just being themselves, I shift a lot when in public, does that mean I'm constantly uncomfortable? No. - THIRDLY, they were all lowkey scared of certain parts of supernatural, in 2017 they did an interview with Entertainment Weekly {this one} and said what the scariest episodes or concepts were at the time for them. Jared's was changelings, shapeshifters, demons possessing people, things that could be real but possibly something posing as someone but something's off. Jensen's was people doing really messed up things and that it was the most realistic thing that could actually happen. Humans being psycho. And vintage dolls, lmao, same. And Misha said that everything could give him nightmares. He's so soft, any of it could give him nightmares. These guys are human. Not some terrible against religion people, they play on a show. Pure human. Just like everyone else.

ANYWAY, I think we all know the infamous eye sex scenes LMAO... if you haven't heard of them... {here's 10 minutes of them staring at each other} and that's not even all the seasons

They always look each other up and down and just stare at each other.

Above, Dean says "Cas, we talked about this. Personal space." and then Cas backs off. He doesn't know why, he just knows it makes Dean uncomfortable, so to make him more comfortable, he takes a few steps back. But Cas isn't aware of how complicated humans are. Personal space are just words, angels shouldn't care what humans have to say. They're so primal and they need more than just basic shelter and foods, they need the whole pyramid of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. He doesn't understand this until he goes through it himself, but we're getting slightly off topic. Sure, them continuing to stare could be just a funny little thing at the start... no. It still happens up to the last episodes.

This is the musical episode, Fanfiction, Season 10, Episode 5. Destiel, Samstiel and the most dreaded Sam/Dean are mentioned... They're brothers. As someone with siblings... gross.

"You can't spell subtext without S-E-X." Then Jensen gave this look to the camera, I think this is on behalf of many of the people on the show.

Below, they end a scene after talking but it's about 15 seconds of them just staring at each other then it ends. Personally, I'm not a big fan of eye contact, and try to make at least 5 or maybe 2 seconds of contact in between interacting with someone, anything more than 10 is past uncomfortable... I don't stare at anyone this long. Legit the scene is so long lmao

I don't remember the context on this but I just don't like eye contact. Both their eyes are gorgeous but I don't stare like this, especially with any of my siblings. When they have a hard time I hug them if they want a hug, talk to them, but I don't make eye contact like that.

I have never looked at my friends like this, not my best friends, certainly not my siblings. Someone I had a crush on, possibly.

Next, they are going in as Texas Rangers and Dean explains how to get Cas into character. "Yeah. Look, just act like you're from Tombstone, okay?" "The city?" "With Kurt Russell? I made you watch it." "Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The one with the guns and tuberculosis." [in a deep cowboy voice] "I'm your Huckleberry." [gulps] "Yeah, exactly.-"

I don't have anything other than I like that scene and how Cas says, "I'm your Huckleberry" :D

(SPOILERS AHEAD Whoops lol)

-

When Cas dies Dean tries to pray to God even though he swore off praying to God. One of the lines is "We've lost everything." Mary's gone, correct but everyone else is alive, except Cas. They still had the Bunker, Baby, Jack. Cas and Mary died (she fell through and there was no way to know she was alive.) But considering that Sam is still alive, the guy Dean has fought tooth and nail to save all these years, is standing by him, ready to fight what may come. But Cas is dead... Dean obliterates his hand from punching on a bathroom door. It's frankly the most punches he's made in a single scene I think and even then, God doesn't answer him so he begins to mourn. It creeps in that his friend is gone.

When Cas is being burned, at first it peers to Jack who sees the man who is supposed to be his father, not blood father but someone who promised to look out for him, someone he doesn't even know, he feels the loss but he's just been born and he never really met Cas.

Then we roll to Sam, he's lost a dear friend and is sad. He's wanting to cry and fidget and be sad.

THEN we roll to Dean. His face is drained of all emotion. He has lost his best friend. His dear companion and looks like he lost it all despite his brother being right next to him. He can't even move.

Now I would be sad if one of my brothers died but sadly I don't have that much of a connection with them as Dean and Cas have. And thankfully I haven't yet experienced one of my brothers pass on.

But I have lost a few lovers, and that... That is the face I have felt. When everything else feels irrelevant. You don't care about anything. You can't care about anything. You are numb.

-

And this all brings us to the finale.

Death is on her way, has them by their hearts, well Dean's in fact. They run/slowly walk over to Basement Storage Room 7B and Cas wards the room, slowing down Death on the other side.

This is the exact moment before he loses Cas for the last time. (I'm copying from the script on the Supernatural wiki, don't hate me, I watched it over and over too, and I've shortened Cas's monologue because I don't want to relive that heartbreak again lmao) But basically Cas realizes this is it, this is the happiest he has been. Everyone was alive and well, he has Dean alone at last. The last exchange they had was this: "You changed me, Dean." "Why does this sound like a goodbye? "Because it is." - "I love you."

"Don't do this, Cas." - "Cas..." "Goodbye, Dean." "What?"

Cas pushes Dean out of the way and gets taken by the Empty.

He has to process all these years of interactions with this awkward little man with sensible shoes in less than five minutes and it all crumbles.

Castiel is gone. And he's not coming back.

Sam keeps trying to call Dean but he's just getting Dean's voicemail and Dean isn't answering. He simply can't.

-

A few episodes later, Dean fucking dies. Just how he said he would, to a monster, like any other job. It felt rushed and I didn't like it.

But how they ended it could've been so much worse.

Dean makes it to heaven, expecting just memory lane, but Bobby's there and says Jack remade heaven new, everyone's together in heaven where they belong. He offers him a beer and tells him how different heaven is and how it's so much better.

Dean's sold, but it's missing something.

This is directly after Bobby tells Dean that Cas helped Jack rebuild heaven.

After that, he takes a drive as he waits out Sam's life. He meets Sam on the bridge and that's the end.

For years, Dean didn't have an obvious love interest, here and there a fling maybe but nothing romantic. All the soft scenes were pretty much between him and Cas.

Their bond isn't brotherly, it's very best friend-ish but lovers can be friends too.

And that's my review on Destiel and why it's a thing it's 4 am and I haven't slept well the past two days so what to do other than write about destiel

ok bye :]

[i-heart-hxh]

I found that question about the Zoldyck's training really interesting and wanted to add my thoughts on the topic and see what you think about them.

I totally agree that all their kids go through a well established training regimen, but I'm not sure if the torture training is something all the generations of Zoldyck's went through especially since Zeno doesn't seem to be keen about it, I wonder if it is something Silva implemented, this a complete head canon of mine but I feel like he is obsessed in finding the strongest heir since he himself never managed to become stronger than his father.

And about Killua receiving a special treatment, I kinda disagree with that, the main reason is that Killua out of all his siblings (excluding Alluka) is the only one who has expressed dislike about killing, Illumi doesn't even hesitate to kill innocent people, Kalluto said that he tends to torture his enemies and lose his sense of time cuz he enjoys making them suffer slowly, Milluki seems eager about experimenting new ways to kill people. So Killua, under Zoldyck's standard, is a problem child, he was tortured and being taught how to kill since birth, and yet he was healing injured birds with Nanika behind his parents back, he also has that other "problem", caring too much about other people, probably that is the reason why they made the needle make him forget about Alluka and Nankika.

When you think about the Zoldyck family and how they would deal with a problem child, I don't think talking to him or spoiling him is the way they would go about it, they probably tried to beat him out of it, especially since he has the most potential, he probably was expected to survive harder punishments. When they noticed that he wasn't changing they most likely decided to use Illumi's needle, which imo is a rather extreme measure, if you think about it, while the needle would keeping safe from stronger people, without it he could have been forced to analyze those fights to try to come out with a plan to overcome a fight where someone is stronger than him, Killua is a smart boy after all, instead the needle made him want to run away instantly, that in one way or another slowed down his training.

Finally, I think his siblings, minus Alluka, have way more freedom than him, we haven't seen Illumi getting scolded for forming an alliance/friendship with Hisoka, and from what we've seen, Kalluto hasn't been forced to return home or punished for joining the spiders which will make him develop relationships with a group of people, and Milluki never leaves his home, but when he goes to the auction to try to get Greed Island he is allowed to go without any complaints, I think Killua caring too much for other people is the reason he why wasn't allow to have any friends and is the reason his mother was so reluctant to let him leave.

Sorry for the wall of text but this topic is so interesting too me that I can talk about it for hours hahaha.

Thanks for writing this up, it's interesting to hear other peoples' takes on the Zoldyck family dynamics! They are super interesting, and while a lot of things are established with them, there's certainly some room for different interpretations on exactly how things work with them and how they feel about each other more specifically than the relationship chart tells us, especially because their relationships are complex. I enjoyed reading your thoughts!

I actually don't disagree with you about Killua's treatment, though in my view he was simultaneously privileged and treated differently than his siblings due to his status as the heir, and at the same time punished and beaten down for his compassionate and friendly tendencies, as well as his rebelliousness. I do think there have been "benefits" to being the heir for him, but they're benefits of a double-edged sort, especially because he doesn't want to be the heir in the first place.

The benefits likely included special treatment and focus on him to a degree, praise, and a sense that he excelled at training when compared to his siblings. Of course these end up being drawbacks in some ways because he's not happy in this situation in the first place and the increased attention was smothering, particularly from Kikyo and Illumi. I think he can receive preferential treatment and have it be both a thing that boosts his ego and makes him enviable to his siblings because everything centers around him, and at the same time even just the special treatment itself is a drawback for him.

The drawbacks are that he likely had a different set of expectations on him, his freedom was possibly less than the other siblings like you said (both because of the increased expectations AND because of his rebelliousness/personality that I'm sure the family felt they needed to force out of him at any cost), and when he does deviate from how he's "supposed" to be, I'm sure the punishments were indeed awful. I'll bet they tried all kinds of things to try to change the way he is, and as he got older he likely started hiding his real thoughts and feelings to avoid trouble as he considered his options for escape.

Killua seems to believe he has a good relationship with his father, he has respect for him, and he seems to like Zeno as well. Of course, from an audience perspective we know Silva has been majorly manipulating him and giving him freedom only because he anticipates that the needle will cause Killua to betray his friends and come back for good. Even though Killua ran away and clearly doesn't want to be an assassin and take over the business, he generally doesn't seem to hate his family members--or, at least Silva and Zeno. This makes me think the way he was treated directly varies a lot from family member-to-family member, and he does innocently see his father and grandfather as being some degree of "fair" and "able to be negotiated with."

Also, his attitude at the beginning still does read to me as being someone who has been praised a lot and is used to being considered superior to others. See how he acts about Gon being assessed above him in the Hunter Exam, for example, and just generally how cocky he is early on. I'm sure it's partly an act, and partly a result of legitimately having self-confidence due to being not only a Zoldyck, but among the most talented of all the Zoldycks. That comes from being confident in his power and talent, but of course his actual self esteem is horrible, because he's never been accepted prior to Gon (except perhaps by Alluka) for who he truly is as a person.

But I'm only disagreeing a tiny bit, because I do generally agree with you. Like I said I think both things are true at the same time. I definitely think he's faced a lot of difficult treatment from trying to be forced into a role his personality doesn't fit, but to me his upbringing feels like one of both privilege and special status and at the same time horrible treatment, loneliness, and pain, as a result of the "normal" Zoldyck training regimen and also any punishments he received for being himself.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Gestation 1.2 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

My thoughts were on Emma on the bus ride home.  For an outside observer, I think it’s easy to trivialize the importance of a ‘best friend’, but when you’re a kid, there’s nobody more important. 

Yeah, that definitely feels like it hits/rings true for me.

Of course, what's weird about this phrasing here, are the 'when you're a kid' and 'for an outside observer' bits. Like, that's more self-aware than I think Taylor should be, and the latter part especially feels like something someone reflecting back on these events years later would say, rather than what someone in the moment would think?

But maybe that's just Taylor's voice.

A friendship that deep is intimate.  Not in the rude way, but just in terms of a no-holds-barred sharing of every vulnerability and weakness.

"Not in the rude way"? I'm... I mean, contextually I think I guess this means like 'not in a sexually intimate' way, I guess, with the use of that phrasing, but that's got to be the weirdest way to put it I've seen, nor did it seem altogether necessary. I don't think anyone would have assumed it was meant that way. I certainly wouldn't have, but it's not like it ruins the work.

That notebook was – had been – my notes and journal for my hero career.  The testing and training I’d done with my powers, pages of crossed out name ideas, even the measurements I was using for my costume in progress.  After Emma, Madison and Sophia had stolen my last backpack and stuffed it in a wastebasket, I had realized how big a danger it was to have everything written down like that.  I had copied everything over into a new notebook in a simple cipher and wrote it bottom to top.  Now that notebook was spoiled, and I was looking at having to copy some two hundred pages of detailed writing into a new notebook if I wanted to preserve the information.  If I could even remember what was on all of the ruined pages.

And so the history of the wormverse turns. Without this, without the kickstarting element, and having that kickstarting element destroy so many of her notes and ideas... she doesn't go out half-cocked like she does. Doesn't face Lung, doesn't meet the Undersiders... and so the wormverse turns.

Many worm fics, especially Altpower fics, do indeed start with the Locker, or even whatever the alternate trigger is, or somewhere similar, and that is understandable, but it also makes a great deal of sense for Wildbow to start here. Three months between the locker and Taylor actually doing anything would have been very dull to read, even if much of it was skipped over. And having Taylor immediately go a-heroing as soon as she was recovered (as much as one can be) from the Locker would have been indicating a very different sort of personality for Taylor. Taylor did got get the most immediately useful power - and she's already probably a pretty thoughtful person, based on what I indirectly know of her.

So it's another key establishing character element for her. I can certainly see why - if every character is established so well - so many of Worm's cast burrows themselves into various people's minds and won't let go. I can see why Worm would have grabbed readers once they started, with all these well-placed hints and details.

Okay, so it had been harder than that.  Not just any spider worked, and the black widow spiders themselves were hard to find.  They weren’t typically found in the northeastern states, where it was generally colder, but I was fortunate that that key element that made Brockton Bay a tourist destination and a hotspot for capes also made it a place where black widow spiders could live, if not thrive.  Namely, it was warm.  Thanks to the surrounding geography and the ocean bordering us on the east, Brockton Bay had some of the mildest winters you could find in the Northeastern States, and some of the most comfortably warm summers.  Both the black widows and the people running around in skintight costumes were thankful for that.

Which came first? Brockton Bay being unusually warm for it's location and thus black widows? Or black widows and this Brockton Bay being unusually warm for it's location?

With my power, I had ensured the spiders could multiply.  I’d kept them in safe locations and fattened them on prey I directed straight to them.  I had flipped that mental switch that told them to breed and lay eggs as if it was summer, fed more prey to the hundreds of young that had resulted and had earned countless costume spinners for my trouble. 

Honestly, this is a reason shard-granted powers are pure bullshit (affectionate), because sweet jesus, this level of control over the bugs, which should have minds humans can't understand? That should not be so simple, and yet.

Yeah, I needed a life.

Yet another cornerstone of a stable timeline. Taylor not having a fucking life.

It wasn’t a great looking costume, just yet.  The fabric was a dirty yellow-gray.  The armored sections had been made out of finely arranged and layered shells and exoskeletons I’d cannibalized from the local insect population and then reinforced with dragline silk.  In the end, the armored parts had wound up dark mottled brown-gray.  I was okay with that.  When the entire thing was done, I planned to dye the fabric and paint the armor.

Knowing what Taylor will be experiencing shortly, it's kind of surprising she didn't realize how villainous her costume looked, but I do suppose I can understand a combination of a desperation to be a hero and being too close to it, and probably just... not wanting to think of it, etc, was a factor.

Also, and like - I've seen lots of very clear dates for various events, where do those come from? It's not in the text, is that something Wildbow provided later? did people run the numbers using the existing dates and just hope they weren't missing anything?

[hadescabin]

why do you want to get rid of tigerdove instead of trying to fix it??? no shade or anything.

TW// GROOMING, MANIPULATION because quite honestly, there's nothing there to fix. it's just bad from the bottom down. i've seen really great rewrite aus that age tigerheart down to dovewing's age, so that they pursue each other as apprentices, which is something i considered doing since it doesn't really change much in terms of the story. however, i've come to the realization that the age gap isn't the only thing wrong with the relationship. That aside, Tigerheart is very manipulative and awful towards Dovewing, throughout the entirety of the time they've known each other, and even now that they have kits. Someone in my TigerDove is grooming post brought up a great example of how he even went out of his way to have a whole incel breakdown to Ivypool when she stood up for herself and cut off their relationship when he was trying to pressure her back in.

("Your sister who I've groomed since she was 13 put her friends and family over me" is a crazy thing to say and rage about btw. People like to say that bumbledove is worse for the incel stuff, have completely forgotten that Tigerheart, or many men in the series really, throw a fit when they don't get what they want. It's just worse when you keep in mind that he spends 4 books isolating and manipulating her into a relationship with him since the moment she was a child, and lovebombing her when she fights back. See: their argument about Dawnpelt in The Last Hope). People seem to have this misguided view that Tigerheartstar is this sweet himbo blorbo who loves his wife and kids, when in reality he's the complete opposite. Canon establishes him as someone who is very sneaky and great at manipulating the people around him to get what he wants. This isn't just an "Ivypool is biased" thing (though I do admit that she does hold some), it's just canonically established as the type of person tigerheart is.

(This actually isn't the first time someone points it out in the book, though I decided to stick with Squilf since she is a lot more reliable than someone like Bramblestar LOL). While it's certainly true that he cares a lot about his family, to the point where he selfishly puts them above everything else, it's also true that he just isn't the best father. Let's not forget how he actively victim blamed Shadowsight for being manipulated by Ashfur, and ordered him to constantly remain in close proximity to care for someone who took advantage of him. Between that and him kicking out nomads from their own territory, Tigerheartstar can be interesting in the way that he's consistently written as having these glaring flaws such as poor judgement and selfishness. Which, as much as I hate the guy, I do like that about him, and therefore wish to keep that in. However, I run into 2 problems. To start off, I don't feel comfortable writing a grooming relationship in my rewrite, it's not a subject I wish to touch. Second of all, even if I do age down Tigerheartstar, I really don't want Dovewing to be trapped in an abusive relationship, especially since her arc is about escaping that. It wouldn't make sense for her to escape to the same clan of the guy who manipulated her. It honestly makes more sense if they just remain good friends, not every forbidden meetup plot line needs to be romantic (like Firestar sneaking out to meet Princess). Maybe there will be a point in time where Tigerheart(or Goldenheart/paw in my rewrite) tricks Dovepaw for herbs or something, but it's established as awful on his part, and it very much nearly ends their friendship, which serves as a small wakeup call for him (Goldenheart is very spoiled in my rewrite so he's just used to doing whatever to get what he wants even at the expense of others). I don't know though, I still need to workshop it. TLDR: Outside of the massive age gap, similarly to relationships like BrambleSquirrel, TigerDove is unintentionally written to be too toxic (in this case it's grooming) for me to try and fix. "Fixing" TigerDove, would be "fixing" Tigerheartstar, which you really can't do, since him being awful is just his character. I really don't feel comfortable trying to pretty up a grooming relationship anyways, best to cut it out. edit: i decided the "evidence" i used with jayfeather wasn't exactly accurate in showing what I was trying to say, and that it would be best to cite from a more recent book. so i decided to replace it with an excerpt from Squirrelflight's Hope. dont get me wrong though it's still very much an example of him being antagonistic in the series even way back during OOTS.

[cchanticleer]

I am officially throwing my hat into the Awakening fankid ring

This started when i was playing the Gay Awakening mod and realized i wasn't using the male units at all, since they wouldn't have kids. So i thought. What if i made my own kids for 'em

I will almost certainly never actually make that mod, since it would be, logistically and practically, An Absolute Pain In The Ass, but i've had a blast coming up with them. I have a few more ideas (kids for Kellam, Lon'qu, and Frederick are the most developed) but Einar's turning out to be my favorite.

More details on Einar under the cut

Bio: When she was young, she was out training with her father when the two of them were attacked by the Risen. Vaike was killed, and Einar was thought to have died alongside him. However, she managed to escape, and spent a significant amount of her childhood alone in the wilderness. Once she became strong enough to fight back rather than simply run away, she dedicated herself to hunting the Risen. She took the (now inert) death-mask from the first Risen Chief she ever killed as a trophy, and wears it when she fights.

She was eventually reunited with the remaining Shepherds, but her time spent in isolation had left her with a very abrasive personality that made it difficult for her to interact with others. Like, she's the type of person who's ""brutally honest"" and is very bad at respecting other people's boundaries. Will unintentionally say really shitty things to people and genuinely not understand what the issue is. Most of the other future-kids either don't like her, or don't know how to relate to her. She recognizes that others are put off by her behavior, but doesn't know how else she's supposed to act. She's pretty well given up on making friends by the time she ends up in the past.

In adulthood Einar continues to go off on her own for weeks at a time, only rejoining the army when she runs out of supplies or gets an injury that she can't walk off. It took some convincing to get her to come to the past with the others, as she would have been content to remain in the future and keep on fighting the Risen there. Only came back when she realized that she would be able to meet Vaike in his prime, and she wanted to test her strength against his.

If she's a Manakete or Taguel, she is unused to fighting while transformed since she never had beast stones/dragon stones while out on her own.

In denial about how fucked up her childhood was and how much of an effect it had on her. Convinced that turned out perfectly well-adjusted (she did not) and it wasn't even that bad (it was). Becomes enraged if she thinks anyone is showing her pity. Internally jealous of the other future-kids, thinking they had cushy, spoiled childhoods (despite the fact they were also Experiencing The Horrors). This resentment is not very well hidden, but she'll deny emphatically that it's there because she's not angry about what she went through at all, actually, she's doing great, it's everyone else who's hung up about it-

Uneducated, but not stupid; she can read and write but is pretty slow at it. Becomes frustrated easily when others expect her to know things that she never had a chance to learn.

Paralogue

Chrom and the Shepherds hear word of a woman fighting off a horde of Risen single-handedly, and rush to assist her.

They track down Einar, and see that she's doing just fine but go to help her anyway. Once she sees them joining the fight, however, she forgets about the Risen and starts fighting the Shepherds, wanting to see how strong they really are.

Route the Enemy. Einar starts battle as an Ally Unit, switches to Enemy Unit when Player Units come within her range, or when talked to by Chrom or Vaike. She will be recruited after the battle ends.

Potential Supports

Vaike: Vaike wants to bond with his daughter, she just wants to fight. He's down at first, but starts getting frustrated over her single-mindedness. He doesn't quite manage to realize the irony of it. He's pretty pissed at his future self for leaving his kid alone.

2nd Parent: She was still young when she was lost, and by the time she was found her other parent had already died, so she has very little memory of them. They try to bond with her in their own way, with varying results.

Sibling: Has a rocky relationship with most potential siblings. Is much more open about resenting her sibling's childhood, and is very resistant to any attempts they make to get closer to her. She does genuinely care about them, it's just buried under her mountain of trauma.

Robin: They are frustrated by Einar's tendency to go off on her own and ignore planned battle strategies. Tries different methods to make her integrate into the group more, with poor results.

Lucina: Lucina has some guilt over Einar, feeling that she's taking advantage of her by ordering her out into the most dangerous fights alone; Einar doesn't see what the problem is, especially since she consistently jumps into said fights before Lucina even has a chance to give the orders.

As Siblings: Lucina feels even more guilty about everything, but this time the guilt actively pisses Einar off as now she feels some degree of duty to kill the Risen as Chrom's daughter. B-Support would be pretty close to the usual Luci sibling B-Support, except she would be explosively furious at Lucina for suggesting that she could die, and she refuses to even touch the Falchion after that. Lucina is surprised by her anger because she didn't think Einar actually liked her all that much.

Owain: They were reasonably close as kids and he pretty heavily mythologized her after her apparent death. Was pretty bummed when she came back and didn't match up with his stories at all.

As Siblings: He's the potential sibling that she has the worst relationship with, since Owain was canonically present for his father's death. They were both training with Vaike when the Risen attacked them, where Vaike was killed while defending Owain. Both kids managed to escape, but only Owain made it home afterwards.

Kjelle: Kjelle can't stand her, but she's the only one who can keep up with her training regiment, so she tolerates her.

Nah: Einar really really really wants to wrestle a dragon

Noire: Einar constantly tries to provoke Noire into slipping into her other personality, since she thinks it's funny. They get along surprisingly well.

As Siblings: She still provokes her, but also feels bad about Noire being left to grow up with Tharja alone. The only potential sibling that she doesn't openly resent from the start.

[all-pacas]

chase cameron and foreman all went for drinks regularly on s1, then again on s3. they might not have been best friends but they weren't hostile at all unless things got bad at work.

they have very few non work related interactions in the season, weirdly - i wouldn't say they get along or not. the first time we see them getting drinks is halfway thru the season in sports medicine. we don't actually see them do so all that much: a few times in that episode (one of which was dinner with a drug rep) but again until s3. i do think they generally get along as coworkers, but… friends?

even when things are fine, they certainly do have a lot of moments of snark and animosity. just off the top of my head, foreman openly dislikes chase (and chase tells a patient such), and he openly derides him over the vogler situation. cameron gets teased by the guys for being naive and for her crush on house; she in turn picks on chase a little, and expresses frustration with them both. chase picks on foreman a little (most notably his telling a patient while foreman is in the room that "foreman doesn't like me, either").

in s2 there's a lot more. there's Article-Gate, of course, but we also get foreman complaining to stacy about how fake and annoying chase is, we get cameron's little comment in euphoria about foreman being terrible with patients, we get foreman trying to manipulate cameron and we get the start of "i couldn't have made a mistake, it was obviously chase" from foreman; . on a slightly more… meta?… level, we get cameron doing meth and hooking up with chase on the assumption that he would fuck her on meth; she even tells him she doesn't think he's a "good guy" when he hesitates, and later she gets pretty snarky towards him about her performance.

s3 there's yet more! cameron and foreman both make fun of chase for being a spoiled rich kid and assume he's going to rat to tritter because of it: cameron also has a quite rude comment about how chase's dad never loved him in 'lines in the sand.' chase and foreman have a whole Thing in 'cane and able' about whether or not chase fucked up a test, with foreman really going for it: foreman outright tells chase he never liked him later on, and chase refuses to help him with his job application: foreman is also generally exasperated with chase and cameron's fwb thing, which, fair enough, but also makes a fair number of comments about how cameron is 'insufferable' (as in, don't dump her, chase, she's annoying enough without heartbreak). foreman also implies cameron is weak/needs to toughen up (she calls him on it, and he does apologize although he doesn't take it back).

conversely, what about times they do show friendship or compassion? they get drinks 2-3 times. cameron tries to support (slash pry) chase when his dad is around, but chase shoots her down flat. chase is worried-ish about cameron when she might be infected with HIV, but house calls it fake: cameron doesn't throw chase under the bus when stacy is digging in the mistake. foreman does call cameron a good doctor and a good person in euphoria, but she makes it clear she knows he's manipulating her, so who knows how much is sincere or she believes. cameron is nice to foreman when he resigns, and chase is nice to foreman and offers to get drunk with him after he kills the lady in s3. neither of the guys reaches out to cameron in s1 when she's upset about the dead baby (foreman criticizes her openly); neither foreman or cameron react that we can see when chase is broken up about the dead baby in s3.

of the three, foreman is actually pretty damn open about the fact that he does not like chase, but he's dismissive about cameron as well. cameron and chase get along slightly better - they're less likely to have major arguments, i think mostly because they're passive-aggressive in similar ways - but she can be pretty mean to him, and he can be pretty bitchy towards foreman. aside from 2-3 times socializing after work, we never hear of them being friends: foreman is adamant that they're not, for all that cameron and chase become an Official Couple they really aren't close either. they're coworkers who work together. they get along, but they aren't friends. they are far more likely to snark than to bond, it's very rare they are supportive, and when they are it's usually cameron doing the reaching out. (to foreman, i think. the two actually do seem to get along when they aren't having huge blowouts about articles; i think they respect one another more than either respects chase, lol)

i'm not saying you're wrong. i don't think, jokes aside, they sit around plotting to undermine and destroy one another. but they also are not friends. it's really not until s4 and 5 we see them go out of their way to socialize.

[severussnapeconfessions]

I often wonder what it would have been like if Lily had lived, and she and Snape raised Harry. Would he have been an only child? Would he have been as reckless? Would he have taken to potions? I’m pretty sure he would have made fast friends with Hermione at least, since I can’t see either Lily or Snape totally giving up their muggle ties. I can see Harry being raised Muggle, to hide him from the world until he turns eleven.

Lupin as a fun uncle that comes round once in a while.

thoughts?

Hi!

I will assume you are saying that Snape would raise Harry with Lily, considering that James Potter was the only one who died that night? So instead of having Harry surviving alone to the killing curse, we'd add Lily. I don't know if this is what you mean, but I will continue with this supposition.

I have some considerations in first place. Snape would still have been one of the culprits of his death then. What would make Lily consider Snape as her companion knowing that it was him who had gotten James killed?

But then, and now I am only thinking to myself, she did have a baby with a man who practically blackmailed her to date him.

Perhaps Lily's judgement is not the best one. Although I still think she wouldn't be the right one for our dear Severus. But moving on to your topics and assuming they get together immediately:

Snape would still have a permanent reminder that Harry was not his biological son, because the resemblance to older Potter would still be screaming at him everyday. So I believe he would like to have a child of his own with Lily, even if the child ended up to be Lily's hardcopy.

However, not only Severus would be out of depth with all the parenthood stuff but also Lily would still be fragile about losing a husband. So my guess is that they would probably try to have another child after Lily's proper grief time and having a 6 or 8 year old Harry already probably.

Canon Harry was a good kid with his heart in the right place, and he grew up in a hostile environment. Severus certainly wouldn't be the one to spoil him, so I don't think there would be much of a change in Harry's behaviour. I can see that the relationship with his parents would be based on profound respect. Eventually he'd know about what transpired in the night of Voldemort's fall and got James killed, would have an enormous fight with Severus, but in the end love wins.

Now, inclination towards potions? Perhaps... but mechanically. Lily was good with Potions as far as we know, and we don't need to talk about Severus. I can imagine that they would still do it occasionally at home or be private brewers or have an apothecary of their own... So Harry would know very well how to do it, but his passion would lie somewhere else.

You mention that he'd befriend Hermione - I don't think he'd change any of his friendships. Again, Harry is a good kid. Despite Snape's canon opinion 😅

Lily and Snape would very much be in touch with their muggle ties, I absolutely adore the idea of a muggle Severus casually forgetting to use magic to do tedious tasks at home... and Harry would certainly know how to live like one, and survive perfectly well.

About keeping him hidden until he was 11 : he'd still be the boy who lived... so I get your point. They'd have to move somewhere where they'd be completely anonymous. That's thrilling.

Lupin would totally be the fun uncle, I can see Severus and Remus letting go of the past and respect each other. They did it while Remus was a teacher after all.

Now, off topic, but of all the marauders, Remus is the only one who I don't disfavour. I don't know where, and who, but someone mentioned that lycanthropy was being compared to having HIV/AIDS, so I believe that in the end the people who surrounded him were compassionate enough to protect him (but their compassion was declared extinct after that particular accomplishment), and he felt compelled to do the same in order to not be ostracised.

He'd be present in Harry's life, and unfortunately so would Sirius because Lily and Remus would have tried to clear his name.

I don't know if this was the sort of "thoughts" you were expecting! Thank you for the message!

[garbage--account]

Too much thoughts going on in my head...

Today, I had a mental breakdown, as it occurs more and more often to me nowadays.

Too much information, too much stress, too much work, too much deadline, too much heat, too much drama, too much people getting on my nerves, too much ....

Too much was going on in my head. So much that I couldn't even think or concentrate. As I had so much too do and so little time to proceed, i could literally feel anger and sadness in my throat and a sort of fever forming on my forehead. I knew I was at my ultimate limit. My job was asking me efficiency, knowledge, availability, reliability, but all I could respond was aggressivity, disdain, sarcasm and antisocial behaviour.

As i was reduced to tears in the bathroom, i suddenly realized that i will turn 24 this month. It made me feel pathetic. Childhood and teenagehood was long behing me, though here I am having a temper tantrum like those obnoxious spoiled kids that couldn't have candy from their moms, right in the middle of a supermarket.

People says we glow up when we get older, on every aspect. I glowed down, for sure. I am now definitly ten thousand worst that i was in my moodiest days of the rebellious phase. I can do better, i know i did better before. Younger me couldn't even care less about drama, toxic people, of what we could say about her, bad news that didn't concerned her : she was focused on her work, on her exams, on her friends, on her future. She always managed to have good results without mentally scaring herself and to do what brought to her joy. Now me is head first in the drama, stuck with unsufferable colleagues and boss, always more work to do, with no time and space to do it properly, blames everything and every mistake on others, on lack of time, on lack of justice, on lack of sleep, on lack of rest, she absolutly can't deal with criticism, she's borderline insane.

When too much is too much, i sometime wonder what happens if i die : Will they feel sorry to push me so far? Will it teach them a lesson the hardest way? Will they not do it again? Will my parents and friends hate them afterward? Will they even care? Does it hurt when you die? Do i get to really rest when i die? What would my funeral cost? Will dad and mom still stand after that? Will i get to do what i want somehow?

Thing is, i don't really want to die. I just think of death, not necessarily mine (even if i don't expect living that old), nor theirs. I just want a break, a pause, a really long pause, from everything. Somewhere, i don't know anymore where, i heard that those people with depression with suicidal thoughts often doesn't really want to die but just that everything stops, while they tryna get back on their feet.

I can relate with that, but i have no depression. I think i haven't. I don't really want to make sure. I can have dark and heavy thoughts one moment, and being the most silly, happy, lightheaded person ever the next. Most of the time, i am emotionless inside. I am not enough sad and desesperate to call myself depressed, but not enough well and balanced to say that i am ok.

There is so many reasons for me to be happy, or at least cheerful, yet i feel no satisfaction, no contentment. I have certainly enough days off to be rested and to have fun, yet i have no peace of mine, never. Even when i know there is nothing to do today, tomorrow and the day after, i still feel pressure. My family and friends thinks that i am just lazy when i wake up at ungodly hours. Truth is i woke several times : the first time i felt tired so i closed my eyes again, Second time it was to early to be out out bed and get bored, third time was the perfect time but i just wasn't feeling like doing anything and be with people yet, fourth time i got lost in my train of thoughts again, mind so heavy i couldn't even get up, fifth time i was masterbathing (not because i am corny, but just because), sixth time i was finally up 'cause had too pee. Despite this long ass beauty sleep, i find hazy and tired, my mind empty after my brain exhausted itszlf. I spend the rest of the day "napping" with open eyes on the couch.

I suspect something might be wrong in my head but am afraid to reach out at this point. When i tell at work that i cannot do anymore more than i do, they answer by "it's just a busy time", " it will be calmer next time", "we already help you on whatever we can", "we all have our problem". When i tell about this with the doctor, he answers "try to talk with your manager about this". When i tell my family and friends that i have it rough, they answer "me too lol", "could be worst", "why don't you leave then?". I feel like speaking to walls, sending me back my echo. How can I tell if something is wrong with me or the way i am treated if everybody seems fine with it? I feel like if i am actually reaching out a professional, i will be wasting their (and my) precious time. Do i even want to get help?

So i guess i have to assume that i am being just dramatic and just need to grow up ... finding a way to find my own peace of mind, discovering who i am by myself, starting living on my own without help or support. But i don't have time to look after that. This existence is going at bullet train speed and i have to catch up as my life is running away from me.

Also, I have too much going on in my head right now ...

[caffeinated-and-annoying-bard]

Ok i've come to the conclusion that my previous anxious attachment style came from the primal urge/need/desire to be seen (I was trans, autistic, and generally detached to kids my age for going to a very small shitty montessori school in fucking león, not being allowed to watch the tb shows my peers watched, having overbearing parents, and being a dick and a pick me harry potter obsessed freak in said small shitty montessori school)

But now that I have (kind of) come to terms with all of that, I am fully aware that I take myself on too much esteem compared to what I deserve, I'm a a privileged spoiled kid that wants to feel special and likes weird stuff as if that made them kinder. I try to be kind but I keep taking and taking and taking and taking (from my parents, siblings, friends, the world) and give nothing in return.

If I were to do a kind act, I know i'm doing it performatively, i'm my own performer, audience and theater.

Following that, I realize I know/consider i'm somehow attractive and I'd be likable if one were just to talk to me superficially. I have few friends and lots of nice acquaintances I enjoy talking to. I don't know if my friends actually like me, and I constantly feel a need to rip them all from me, they have seen a lot of me but the less they see the better

So my now avoidant attachment style comes from the knowledge that someone COULD have a crush on me, but I know even more certainly that no one could ever love me, not if they actually knew me. Which fucks me up because I'm demiromantic and knowing people to the most they'll let me is the only way I can fall for someone so. Yeah it's fun to know that if I show the world my skin of plastic it'll be shiny, fun, flawed and liked. I don't dare look at myself in the eye ever since I started disliking mirrors less— I know who's in there and they're a piece of shit that just takes and takes and takes and will put their own comfort over kindness and wants to be different so badly, oh they think they're so special and they would rather be liked as plastic than change their lazy, selfish nature— and I hate their guts (and their lack of them) so much

[eolewyn1010]

Dragging Frankenstein - prologue

Well, fuck it; I miss posting more various stuff of my own instead of just reblogging, so I'll post the snark I have bestowed on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Don't be misled; it's a hell of an interesting read if one can get over the Regency prose, but the protagonist pisses me off to unholy degrees, so I shan't be too respectful. I'll do it my way, with only arbitrary regards to the lingual differences between Now and Then (rule of Funny goes, folks) and with my silly little counters. Don't take to seriously. Onward to the prologue, and one Captain Robert Walton, who is not our protagonist!

“in a country of eternal light” – wtf, Walton? Does he mean polar days? Bc those are not eternal, but then he does spout a lot of purple prose (and so does the entire book).

And more weird fantasizing – “passage at the pole”, what’s that supposed to be good for? “secret of the magnet”???

“my education was much neglected” – yeah, stop marveling at your self-taught brilliance already; I swear, Walton and Victor both are so egotistical it’s no miracle they can take an interest only in one another.

Also, Walton had an emo poet phase. And his Chemical Romance didn’t take off. LOL.

“worked harder than the common sailors” – sure you did, you spoiled little rich kid. “preferred glory to luxury” – I’m getting distinct Stede Bonnet vibes here, and in a very Privileged White Guy way. And he keeps exotizing Russia. I SO PRIVILEGED: 1

“longing for a friend” calls in the Gay™, and after bashing his so-beneath-him sailors for a bit, it settles in with “I desire the company of a man […] whose eyes would reply to mine. You may deem me romantic…” Counter starts now. DAS GAY: 2

“shall certainly find no friend on the ocean” – yeah, chill out, we saw your subtle foreshadowing. Why does he keep telling his SISTER how his early life went??

His “best years spent under your gentle and feminine fosterage” leading to a distaste of brutality is ever so slightly sexist in several directions, but it also rings in the theme of every goddamn female character being cast in the light of a maternal figure – even when that is not the relation in which she stands to the character in question. EVERY WOMAN IS A MOM: 1

Whyyyyy does the gossip about his ship master’s failed love story take up so much space? I dunno this guy???

“as silent as a Turk”, “ignorant” and “savage inhabitant of some island” – oh, hai, racism!

Is one single dog really strong enough to pull a sledge with a person plus luggage on it?

Funny how Walton describes Victor as all emaciated and shit, and yet goes insta-thirsty like “must have been a noble creature in his better days, being even now in wreck so attractive and amiable” – and Victor is “uneasy when anyone except myself enters his cabin”, gotcha. DAS GAY: 4

And five minutes after knowing him, Walton declares him the “brother of my heart”, and his “affection for my guest increases every day”. DAS GAY: 6

The unfounded praises of Victor being “wise, noble, gentle” get on my nerves, but imagine my eyebrows at the lines “a groan burst from his heaving breast” and “my thirst for a more intimate sympathy”. Because… huh. DAS GAY: 7

Bitch, where do you get off calling your sister fastidious? She probably had the same education you did! Get your ego out here.

Walton’s crush on Frankenstein is already getting old; does he need to gush about him like he’s the bees’ knees? He doesn’t know this asshole at all! “his lustrous eyes with their melancholy sweetness” – ok, Walton needs to get laid. DAS GAY: 8

What a queer intro, and no, I don't plan to stop making fun of this kind of language. It's the only redeeming grace of these characters.

[hchollym]

Truthfully I can’t fully blame James for sneaking out to be with friends.

It just makes me far more aware of how young he and Lily were. How they rushed to get married and ended up with a kid when they themselves by all means were still kids themselves trying to survive a war.

I don’t remember all that much about this fact, such as did it continue once Harry was born? How often? Can we be so sure Lily didn’t do the same thing? Because truthfully I think far too many characters only saw Lily through rose tinted glasses unlike James where a few did not. I mean is it truly all that difficult to see her not doing the same thing? Feeling trapped in a home that doesn’t feel like a home with a man she should love, who she does love, but the ring on her finger feels heavy in all the wrong ways.

I just feel like while it’s not the most responsible thing to do in a war it certainly makes sense that the young adults, barely no longer teens, are desperately trying to cling to that sense of normalcy. To cling to the friends who could be dead the next day. To be young and carefree and stupid because you might die in the next minute.

I just always found that little detail so interesting because to me it absolutely makes sense. I can see James doing this and even understand why even if I think it’s so incredibly dumb and could have killed him. But I can also see far more than just James doing this. Because they’re in a war and that messes you up and when you’re so so young maybe you just want to pretend for a few seconds that everything is okay.

(Their relationship and characters are something I hold very dear simply because I think they’re an amazing portrayal of what can happen to teens turned adults in war)

In response to this post.

I mean, you're completely entitled to your opinion.

I fully agree that the characters were too young and immature, which certainly contributed to James' lack of foresight and selfishness. He was a young, rich, (likely spoiled) pureblood who was put in an awful situation that he couldn't fully understand the ramifications of. That doesn't mean that he deserves what happened at all, but I simply see those traits as aspects of his personality at the time.

For the record, I don't see Lily through rose-tinted glasses either, nor did I ever imply that she never snuck out. The fact is, we don't know. I think it's highly unlikely that it was as often, given that James only snuck out with his invisibility cloak, and he did that so frequently that Dumbledore felt like he needed to confiscate it for their safety (this is the same man who let first years wander in the Forbidden Forest for detention, so if he think it's reckless, then that's pretty bad).

We clearly have different interpretations of the characters and the effectiveness of their portrayals, but I apologize if you were offended by my other post. I will change the tags to "James Potter Critical" just to be safe.

[vizthedatum]

My "living journals"

When you've been discarded or thrown aside for as much as I've been, then you know that it can be very hard to ever feel like you'd ever be holistically loved or wanted, just for being you. It's almost like you develop this almost pathological (I mean, let's be real, it is pathological) kink for not being wanted, for always doing the chasing... for chasing for what you can't have because you're not worth it anyway.

I used to call these people I'd chase: "living journals" Ever since I was in elementary school, I have had great intuition and a knack for picking out the people who were interested in me just enough (maybe to raise their own self-esteem, maybe for sex, maybe to make fun of me, stuff like that) to let me keep talking to them but not enough to really include me in their life in any meaningful way. So not enough to be friends or lovers or partners. Certainly not enough for them to share anything about themselves (most of these people were laughably emotionally unavailable). One of my high school "living journals" dared me to kill myself one time. I was trying to tell him how suicidal I was. I adored him. I told him so much about myself because I needed someone to listen and bear witness. He thought I was silly. I wanted him. I wanted his life, I wanted to be his gf, I wanted his academic success, I wanted his so-called wisdom. But ugh, he had so many red flags obviously - he was a spoiled Asian kid who was too old for me at the time, trying to philosophically debate suicidality with someone who had been chronically abused and was depressed with hormonal issues (and was a closeted queer and trans person, on top of that). He talked the big talk, but he had no idea where I was coming from. We could bond over the angst of Linkin Park lyrics, but he never could conceive the real angst of my life and my body. AND! and most importantly, he... didn't... like... me.

And I just can't help myself. It feels so so so so so so so painful. And then, just a tiny bit of euphoria from that pain - which makes me (and, I imagine, other abuse survivors who experience this) feel so fucking messed up.

To be clear, these "living journals" aren't necessarily doing anything wrong (hah) - but also to be clear, do they know? Do they know that someone is chasing after them to their own detriment because they can't help themselves, desperately looking for a deeper connection (where a deeper connection could never and would never exist)? Yeah of course. Fuckers just like feeling good about themselves, regardless of how it hurts the other person. They'll stop if you tell them to - most of them are not rapists. But they can tell what you're doing is not healthy, and if an explicit boundary or consent isn't being violated, they'll let you continue. Because they hold no investment in your life -- they.do.not.care.about.you.

They don't care! So if you're hurting - they only superficially understand. They can't connect with you - they refuse to.

Because remember, they don't want you truly in their life anyway, so why bother? You're just [a sexual release, a glorified calculator, a place to info dump, a person giving them their dopamine hits, an interesting story, etc.].

--

I've had several living journals in my life. My life story is strewn across those journals and past lovers, throughout time... it's all so interesting: I am splayed out like that in the minds of people who aren't in my life anymore.

--

It's really great that life doesn't have to be that way anymore. I don't want to go down the "living journal" rabbit hole again. The damage does remain though.

[veliseraptor]

okay but now i'm Very Interested in your thoughts on nhs 👀 (if you've already talked about just link me to the post ajnsqjns)

oh man I don't even remember what this was talking about/was in response to (perils of delaying responding to asks but not noting any context or anything to indicate what they were about) but I guess??? I can ramble anyway

so the thing about me and Nie Huaisang is that I don’t talk about him that much, mostly because I...very much do not vibe with what feels like the predominant fandom interpretation/treatment of him (at least, that I see; ydinmd etc.). I see a lot of nie huaisang as this...overall well intentioned, good-natured, benevolent, but also a master manipulator, but, like, the good kind. and that’s just not...I mean, for one thing I just find that not that interesting and for another thing it doesn’t feel accurate to me as far as I read his character.

putting under a read more because this got...long. no textual analysis this time just a lot of rambling and opinions mostly

like...the shorthand I’ve used with friends talking about Nie Huaisang is that I only like Nie Huaisang when he’s mean, and while that’s a little bit simplistic it does kind of get at the core of my Nie Huaisang feelings. and I don’t think that was always true! but I also don’t think he was necessarily this harmless good and sweet boy when he was younger, either. I think he was careless, with a tendency toward laziness and indolence; a little bit spoiled even though he does face his brother’s disapproval. he is the baby brother! and he is kind of Baby. and I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way, either - he is a kid (or, a young teenager) and he should have the chance to be a kid, and it feels like in some ways he’s fighting for just that.

but I also think he isn’t, like. super altruistic. he’s just not really looking outside himself. like most of the Gusu Summer Camp generation, he’s a little myopic. again, fair! he is a teenager and that’s kind of what teenagers are like.

but the Nie Huaisang I’m actually interested in is the one that takes shape after Nie Mingjue’s death, and that’s a Nie Huaisang who zeroes in on taking revenge for his beloved brother to the exclusion of all else.

canonically, the Nie Sect has fallen into...if not disrepute, at least disdain, under Nie Huaisang’s authority - most likely (at least in part) as part of his ruse of being completely useless and nonthreatening. the reputation he has indicates that he’s to a greater or lesser degree letting the inhabitants of Qinghe fend for themselves (”if this were the old Nie Sect this problem would’ve been taken care of right away”, says the Know-It-All of Qinghe, and while the problem he’s talking about isn’t a real problem...it suggests that the same is true more generally). that’s a choice he makes, and as a sect leader it’s a deeply irresponsible one. but the revenge plot takes priority.

in the novel, it is explicitly Nie Huaisang who lures the juniors into danger in Yi City, where they would be at serious risk (and I’d argue it makes sense to be him in CQL as well, though there’s no definitive indication). he also places the Lan juniors at risk at Mo Manor - with the belief that they’ll have rescuers in both cases, but there’s no certainty that no one would come to harm, potentially mortal harm, before that rescue. and I don’t think Nie Huaisang is unaware of that - it just, again, is worth it to him.

and there’s other places, too, over and over, where we see this willingness to accept significant collateral damage in service of Jin Guangyao’s utter ruin. (his death isn’t enough - he truly is set on salting and burning the earth of his entire life and legacy.) Qin Su is a collateral victim - not necessarily a predicted one, certainly, but telling her the truth about her relationship to Jin Guangyao was going to destroy her life one way or another, and that was an acceptable casualty. Lan Xichen is an acceptable casualty. (Maybe he even deserves it, in Nie Huaisang’s view, for “enabling” Jin Guangyao - for taking Jin Guangyao’s “side.”)

and there’s the fact of Wei Wuxian’s resurrection as well. whatever role you believe Nie Huaisang did or didn’t play in Mo Xuanyu’s decision to sacrifice himself bringing him back (and I’m inclined to think some, at least, on account of...it’s too perfect a coincidence otherwise), that’s another death (utter destruction) - and it’s also dragging Wei Wuxian back into the world of the living (which is, incidentally, a pretty big no-no in cultural terms). furthermore, Nie Huaisang does not actually know how that’s going to go, or what condition Wei Wuxian will be in, or what he’ll be like. certainly he’s not concerned with Wei Wuxian’s wishes, or what kind of havoc might result from his coming back. whatever consequences there might be - and it’s easy to think of several, even if they didn’t happen - Nie Huaisang deems them acceptable.

I know that there’s...a desire, certainly, to be grateful for the role Nie Huaisang plays in precipitating Wei Wuxian’s resurrection. of course! he’s our protagonist, we’re glad to have him back, we know he didn’t “deserve” to die. I see a lot of (I presume joke, but how much is debatable) posts about how Nie Huaisang Said Gay Rights or whatever, and while I think Nie Huaisang wanting his friend back was a factor, I certainly don’t think that his precipitating Wei Wuxian’s resurrection was, at its core, about righting a wrong or improving his friends’ lives.

it was about the same thing that his actions were about the whole time: revenge for Nie Mingjue. first, foremost, and above all, whatever it costs.

(this isn’t digging into my feelings about “Nie Huaisang as master manipulator” partly because I feel like those can be summed up by that one post that’s like ‘Jin Guangyao is playing four dimensional chess against the whole cultivation world and Nie Huaisang is eating the pieces when he isn’t looking.’)

so! I feel like when I write all this out it looks like “okay Lise but this sounds like you hate Nie Huaisang” and the fact is that I don’t! I mean, I wouldn’t say I like him, but all the above is what makes me find him interesting. because a character who makes the conscious decision to burn the world down on behalf of someone they loved, believing themselves justified or at the very least not caring if they are or not, because the goal takes priority, first and foremost - especially when there can be some question of whether the person that they’re avenging would appreciate the means taken to those ends, as I think there is here, actually - that’s a character I find compelling.

particularly because of a theme underlying, at least in my perception: that more often than not, when you pursue the destruction of others, ultimately you end up destroying yourself.

or at the very least paying a higher price than you meant to.

[fruitcoops]

Hi, Eve

Rose here from yesterday, thank you very much for the Birthday message, I wasn't expecting you to read it let alone reply but I was looking for Coops kids Birthday fluff specifically. It doesn't matter if you don't have time however as I don't want to be a bother.

Hello Rose, and happy (belated) 20th birthday! Sorry for the wait--I really wanted to get this one right to celebrate such an important number. I hope your day was absolutely fantastic! SW credit goes to @lumosinlove, but Stella is an OC

Combined with asks for Sirius lightly making fun of Remus' accent and Remus yelling at a game show (@nazar4114)

“Medusa!” Stella shouted with all the force in her thirteen-year-old lungs. Remus leaned forward on the couch. “Medusa!”

The front door opened with a creak. “I’m h—”

“Yes!” they cheered in unison as Nicole answered correctly. Remus turned and gave Stella a double high-five, feeling his heart squeeze at the vivid joy on her round face. “Good guess.”

“I knew she was gonna get it,” Stella said with a pump of her fist as she turned back to the show and folded her legs underneath her.

“Gonna,” a familiar deep voice mimicked from the doorway. Paper bags rustled before footsteps stopped behind the couch; Remus tilted his chin up without sparing a glance, and Sirius pressed a laugh-laced kiss to his cheek before dropping one on Stella’s head as well. “You sound too much like your dad.”

“Love you, too,” Remus said wryly.

“I’ll take ‘Myths and Moths’ for 400, please.” Nicole’s voice snapped his attention back to the screen, and Stella narrowed her eyes.

“Daily Double!” the automated voice announced. Stella gasped; Remus bit his lower lip. “This mythical shield was wielded by Athena, and is sometimes said to be made of goat skin.”

“Aegis,” Stella whispered, then raised her voice. “It’s the Aegis, Nicole. You know this.”

“We know you do,” Remus said, scooting forward. “You just guessed whose head is on it.”

Nicole’s buzzer went off with two seconds to spare. “What is the Aegis?”

“Hell yeah!” Stella whooped.

Remus turned to her and raised his eyebrows. “Excuse you.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you two going to do this the whole afternoon?” Sirius asked from the kitchen, obviously amused. “We might need to get the neighbors some noise-cancelling headphones.”

Stella blew a dark lock of hair out of her eyes as she flopped her head back. “It’s almost final Jeopardy, papa. We have, like, ten minutes.”

Sirius blinked at her, then shook his head. “I swear you two share genes.”

“Ope, you caught me,” Remus said over the noise of the commercial break. “When I was 20 and had literally never left Wisconsin, I went and had a secret kid in Maine who looks terribly like you just so that someone would watch Jeopardy reruns with me thirteen years later. Oops.”

“It’s the truth,” Stella said with great gravity. “I remember.”

“Mon dieu,” Sirius muttered, though he couldn’t keep a smile down. He had never been able to hide around Stella, not once in the three years since they had adopted her. It was one of the things Remus loved most about him. “By the way, nobody under the age of fourteen is allowed in the kitchen for the next…hour. Ish.”

Stella squirmed around until she could rest her arms on the back of the couch. “What if I get thirsty?”

“I’m sure you can invoke birthday privileges and ask your dad to get something for you.”

“Birthday privileges?” Remus scoffed. “Nobody in this house has a birthday today. Yours was last month, and mine’s in March.”

“It’s my birthday,” Stella said.

“What? No, it’s not.”

“Yeah-huh.”

“Your birthday is in June.”

“It’s today.”

“Or maybe July?”

“It’s today, in December, when there’s snow,” she insisted, throwing herself back against the pillows. “Come on, dad, that’s not funny anymore.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Is somebody too old to find their poor old dad amusing now? Can you go back to being twelve so somebody will laugh at my jokes again? I know, I know, we're super lame compared to all your friends’ parents—”

“So lame,” Sirius agreed from the kitchen.

“—but I like to think we get one more year of pre-teen cuteness before the teen angst takes over.”

Stella sat up again with a groan. Looking at her, Remus saw a mix of himself and Sirius that had always baffled him, considering they had adopted her comparatively late in her life; beneath it was something uniquely Stella. Maybe it was her double-jointed elbows, or the board-straightness of her hair next to their curls, but there was no mistaking that she was her own person through and through. He loved that about her. “I’m not going to be a terrible teenager.”

Sirius poked his head around the edge of the kitchen—his nose was adorned with a smudge of flour. “Can I record that for future use?”

“Non.”

“Ooo, using the French,” Remus hissed. “That transformation is already beginning.”

“It’s not like you were bad teenagers, right?” She settled upside-down on the couch with her flamingo-patterned socks high in the air.

“I almost convinced Grandma to let me dye my hair blue, but otherwise I was pretty good.”

“I was terrible,” Sirius laughed. “I didn’t talk to anybody for a solid three years.”

Stella frowned. “How? I think I’d die if I did that.”

“He’s stubborn,” Remus stage-whispered.

“I heard that.”

Stella suppressed her laughter as best she could, but she was about as good at hiding her emotions around them as Sirius was. She didn’t really giggle—the amount her voice had deepened over the past three years always gave Remus whiplash—but her laugh had the same cadence as it did the first day they heard it. While Stella had been quiet at first, it only took love and time to bring her out of her shell. Within a year she settled into their lives like she was always meant to be there.

A thoughtful look crossed her face. “This is my last year before high school.”

“Does it feel different?”

“Not really.” She paused, then shrugged. “And a little. I don’t feel older. It just feels like there’s stuff I won’t get to do anymore.”

“And a lot more you will get to do.” Sirius left his dishtowel on the counter before joining them on Stella’s other side. “You can drive soon, you’ll get a longer curfew, you get more freedom…”

“I guess.”

“What are you going to miss?” Remus asked as she toyed with the hem of her shirt. It was a basic Lions FAN jersey; he was fairly sure she bought it to be ironic. That, and she only wore one of theirs if she was upset with the other, or if one needed a boost at a game.

“I dunno.” A few beats of silence passed. “My classmates. My team. It feels like everything’s going to turn upside down.”

“You can still keep in touch with your friends, and I bet your team won’t be too different,” Sirius said quietly. “Even if it does, that doesn’t mean you have to give all of them up. People change in different ways. They come and go on their own time.”

“There’s going to be a lot of upside-downs over the next couple years, kid.” Remus offered her a smile. “But you’re going to be just fine.”

“You two sound like such dads right now.”

“This might shock you, but that’s because we are.”

The corner of her mouth tugged up and she lolled her head to the side to look at Sirius. “Is the cake done?”

“Fifteen more minutes.”

“Will you watch final Jeopardy with us?”

“What’s the category?”

“US Presidents.”

Sirius exhaled through his nose, but nodded. She grinned and turned herself upright to snuggle against his arm. “You just enjoy watching me lose.”

---------------------------

“Alright, is everyone ready?” Sirius called from the kitchen.

“On three,” Remus said, raising his phone camera. “One, two, three!”

“Happy birthday to you,” over a dozen voices sang. They were off-tempo and so out of key the composer was probably spinning in his grave, but Stella’s clear joy didn’t waver for a millisecond even as her cheeks reddened. “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Stella, happy birthday to you!”

Finn, of course, dragged out the last note. So did Leo, Logan, Kasey, James, Lily, and Talker in varying degrees of awful harmony attempts. It was terrible, and beautiful. “Make a wish,” Sirius said softly as he set the cake down and stepped back. His eyes were the brightest quicksilver Remus had seen in many moons.

Stella closed her eyes, took a breath, and blew as hard as she could—the entire room erupted into cheers when all the candles went out. She was laughing and blushing at the same time when Remus turned the lights back on, though the humor won out in the end and she helped pass plates of cake to her many aunts and uncles. Like every year prior, Regulus managed to smear a bit of frosting on her chin, only to immediately deny it with great offense when she noticed. It was becoming a bit of a tradition—one that Remus never grew tired of.

I know what I would wish for, Remus thought as he looked around the table at their patchwork family. Celeste, Dumo, and his own parents had no doubt spoiled their first grandchild with ‘cusp of adulthood’ gifts, and Natalie and Lily would certainly steal her away after cake for some girl time. Finn and Logan would remain the fun uncles while Leo and Regulus kept their thrones as the cool uncles; Stella would interrogate Jules on the intricacies of high school for at least an hour before they destroyed everyone in a snowball fight. The world they built together had a place for everyone.

I would wish for this. This, for us, forever. It wasn’t a bad eternity to imagine.