#Autistic and living the dream (Facebook)

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

MAGIC MEAT SKELETON

Autistic and living the dream

[spacevulpix]

I have a cousin who's also autistic and he's lowkey living the dream, he works for the company that controls most of the trains in our area and has the company name set as his last name on facebook. we were hanging out last summer at a local festival and a train went by and he said "that must be the 3:10 to the city"

[tinyhousepanther]

Todays I-am-very-high-and-have-recently-rejoined-tumblr-because-I’ve-realized-I-need-more-social-interaction-but-tumblr-is-all-I’ve-got-the-energy-for thought is

… drum roll….

the most personal, soul exposing thing I think I could ever do, would be to let some one go through my ao3 bookmarks, even the private ones…. Like the amount of #asexual ♠️ 🐉🌌who kinda likes monsterfucking vibes but is also a depressed millennial who was into Harry Potter and anime and tumblr of yore. Yeesh, how cringe and vulnerable that would be.

Because I like to write when very high and used to write poetry as a moody teen. A good old internet rant into the void. This will get long and old school text formatting like the book House of Leaves is a thing I really love so weird punctuation and spacing ahead.

Also the recursive footnotes in the bartimaeus series

Also, also recently returned to tumblr… lured like a siren into this hell scape of super niche fandoms…. I blame @strange-aeons for making me nostalgic for this place.

On that note. I am actually editing this but mostly because my brain wanted to add things as I read this over for typos because cringe.

Nostalgia leads to reminiscing. I think it was @blackkatmagic who said in a note, that like some niche pairing of fandom like a ship no one asked for but one person dreamed of and a handful of other people liked, is like being in a little boat with them.

(And I had to go find that post so here it is)

And I really like that idea and I like writing stream of consciousness rants when high and also graphs, like data visualization, because I’m an engineer. So a nerd for Venn diagrams that are cool. Like can I make a web diagram bubble graph combo with bubble size for intensity of interest and lines to show how one community spawned an interest in another community? Maybe throw in a color scale for vibes? Like who are the landmarks I use to remember my internet past. Is this what mark zuckerburg is aiming to make for all of us? Can someone build this digital map of my psyche?

Let’s start listing citations to make this glorious journal paper of a post. Giving @strange-aeons or @danielhowell vibes but also @somemorenews and also @scishow and @fishingboatprocceeds energy.

This is like just feeling the need to give a good old trying to describe a very specific mood rant that live journal used to be for.….

Those vibes somehow. Also of course I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like @tanispodcast or @welcometonightvaletranscripts

Who is in this very niche intersection? How narrow of an audience am I?

Or ,

am I yearning for early days Facebook where you just liked a bunch of shitty pages that were just topics. Like quizilla was a window of my internet childhood/preteen (that’s a lie Neopets was first…….)

Which reminds me to also include @dilfosaur and @drawfee. Why do I love the sonic butthole saga so? Is Todd from Mario made manifest into the universe like a tulpa? Am I getting to last podcast on the left now? Do we need to get a net for me??? 🗑️ trap me under a wastebasket like a cat?

God I feel like I’m trying to write a phd thesis on my personality as described via citations of tumblr blogs and other early internet social media. Can I put footnotes in a tumblr post? No. Does my probably autistic ass want them so I can make a hyper detailed thing fully describes a hyper focus moment? Yes. Can I make a whole power point of just internet citations? Yes. Do I have the energy? No.

Should

Be narrating this? I wish, would be interesting if someone I’m citing replies or interacts with this.

Not to brag, but hey I actually did write a phd thesis and some one said it was good enough to give me a fancy piece of paper. I am doctor. Why am I still sad then? Oh, that’s mental illness right. Another citation for a mood elyse meyers

Is this stream of consciousness prose that I am writing while very high and curled in a blanket on my couch while having been overcome by emotion from a fanfic I was reading about a super random cross over of two media from my childhood? Then yes this is me. I am a garbage gremlin of a person who is shockingly successful in life despite my very fun depression and health issues who has way too many parasocial relationships in proportion to real world actual humans I see and interact with on a daily basis.

Is it not the human experience to try and communicate who we are to the world? The innate desire to be seen and known?

Or is that way to high brow for me just wanting to list a bunch of things I like so when I’m having a bad day I can come to this post and just be like…. Oh yeah I did like that one thing.

Like that one video by Drew/Danny/Kurtis that somehow always makes me laugh. Like that friend I had who I could also make laugh by playing the look at this graph vine? 📊. Yes like that. So this my reminder that hey stuff is good and joyful and cringe sometimes, so on the bad days go look at this stuff. I feel @danielhowell has thoughts on this.

That’s it. I should go to sleep. It’s midnight and I have work tomorrow and my cat is glaring at me because we are not snuggling yet.

P.S.

Tumblr really is just MySpace but somehow worse? Yet it’s what we have.

And really the porn had never left. What were they thinking they could do/are doing about it? Like hello tumblrlive makes this app so nsfw to scroll at work when I’ve got time to kill. But also sometimes I want to look at art someone has posted and I’ve got a notification.

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/10 English

BGM: The Rolling Stones - Start Me Up

Today might be a "fatal day" in my life... Indeed, I'm using too big expression to describe this. But I don't want to hide this feeling inside myself. The day like today can happen in my/our life... It was raining a little so I went to the food court in AEON near my workplace by foot. There, I spent my time with doing nothing as usual. I couldn't do anything as the homework of my English conversation class, the paper I will show at the meeting about my contract of my job, the paper for the presentation I will do on the next Thursday... Suddenly I remembered the book "Two Billion Light Years of Solitude" by Shuntaro Tanikawa, and thought of writing my poem as the homework to show the teachers. At least, it will delete one of my task and also make my passion/activity calm again. I started writing my poem. I wanted to use rhymes seriously, and obey the rule of sonnet (the poems which have 14 lines). Caring the rhythm of that poem... I did write it like Jackson Pollock's action painting. Spreading my words honestly on a sheet of paper.

Ah, at last! The Muse came to me with her graceful smiling. The day came finally... "One day, a person starts writing all of a sudden" or "One day, he/she starts thinking writing to be a writer". For example, Haruki Murakami started writing his novel because he got an inspiration suddenly from somewhere when he had enjoyed watching a baseball game in his 29. That was the beginning of walking/traveling on the road to become a writer until now... Of course, this is a "too cool" story/episode. At least, it must be impossible to imagine that he had not done anything until the day he accepted the inspiration. He must do reading. Yes, he must enjoy Raymond Chandler, Scott Fitzgerald, Richard Brautigan, and Kurt Vonnegut... he must try to learn from them to make their spirits/groove as his. "Now" I can have this idea, but when I read that legend of Haruki Murakami, I was just an idiot so thought "Someday the inspiration can come to me like him, and that will make me write my own novel". Yes, I waited for the inspiration for a long time. I waited for the day I would/could start writing my own "Hear The Wind Sing". Someday... and I drank a lot. And days passed.

Today I shared the poem "A Bridge From A Fridge" to my friends. Soon, Victoria from Russia commented to me. "Share it with your signature!". It was really grateful for me so I wrote my signature "throbbing disco cat", and posted it on Facebook, Discord, MeWe. Indeed, it didn't become any "buzzed" one. But so what? I found that using/enjoying rhymes can be really difficult/profound. It also gives me a certain pleasure. It is interesting so I want to keep on writing my sonnets, free verse poems, and proses more. Then I want to be maniac because, as you know, I'm really autistic. I want to read Shuntaro Tanikawa more, and also learn from my favorite poets/novelists who influenced me again. Haruki Murakami, Genichiro Takahashi, Hiroshi Osada, and Ryuichi Tamura. I also want to learn a lot from female poets/novelists. My dreams/hopes increase on and on... Today was really the "genesis" day for me.

And also I remembered what had brought me to now/here. I had even learned English literature, but at that time I couldn't have imagined that I would write MY OWN sonnet like this. After that period, through the heavy drinker era, I started writing short articles by the event I experienced. A friend praised my English, and it brought/made me to decide to write in English... and I started this English journal too. And now, I start writing my sonnet. "Heaven helps those who help themselves", we say so. Can I say that I have helped me? Every day I have been trying living this life with writing a journal, reading books, meeting people, working... these events, the footsteps of my past life, would bring today's explosion of writing a sonnet. Of course, it might be just a lucky strike. But I don't want to deny the pleasure I have got by writing my first poem. Even though I stop my poem creation, today's memory/experience would last in myself. It was a really memorable/grate day for me (and I could meet my old friend again on Facebook. I want to write this not to forget completely). What would be the next poem's theme? God only knows...

"A Bridge From A Fridge"

It seems my mind is like a fridge At last, I've found a dream of becoming a bridge A bridge, where people can encounter each other They might call them as a sister or a brother

Yes, that must be too enormous to carry I can see, and TBH I feel really scary But why? It must bring me the life like a party All I need is just a certain will to start it

Today, lunchtime, I wanna have a lunchbox of sushi Will I be able to say as a rockstar, "Can't you see"? Or I'm just trying sewing seeds into the sea?

This is the first sonnet poem I've done in my life. I wrote this one by myself. I'm now actually alive! Yes, this one is also coming from my mind's archive

[tr0ubl3d-tr4n53nd3r]

I spend my life working up to something grand. I hope and dream of the future I'm going to have. Beautiful suburban, pretty wife, two adorable kids... But really I know it's going to amount to nothing. I'm probably going to die young, hated by people who used to call me friends. My dream job of being a teacher is almost impossible for me because I'm autistic. And truly the most amazing thing I've ever done is get a participation award. I hung it on my wall as if it was a reward for solving world hunger. Really what's gonna happen is Im gonna go to college and either burn out or work really hard. For a few years I'm gonna live with my parents, but they can't keep me there forever. I'm going to apply for jobs near my hometown, then my state, then my region, then my country. Nobody wants me. Nobody will ever fall in love with me and I'll spend my life slowly dying from health issues I can't pay off because I'm jobless and paying off thousands of dollars of bills. The economy is probably going to crash again, and I'll die sad and alone. If not from that than from global warming. Truthfully doing my homework and trying to get straight A's won't help me to avoid getting shot in a parking lot. Following all the rules in the hypothetical book won't help me pay medical bills. All I'll ever amount to is being that weird kid that nobody wanted to hang out with in school. People will see my death on gen z Facebook and just shrug. Maybe cheer. Maybe they'll think about that one time in first grade when I called them dumb for not knowing how to do a problem in math. I don't regret saying it but I shouldn't of. I know that. But I didn't back then. A select few might say they were friends with me. They'll remember a large fallout of our friendship, even though we said we'd be friends forever and ever and live in a mansion together until we die. Maybe it could've happened. I don't know. I'm just a teenager. A hopeless teenager who knows I'm going to die early. Dying at 40 doesn't feel scary until you're 20... Then 30... Then you hit 40. You live in fear. True 40 is years from now. But not enough. Why can't I live until I'm 90? Why isn't that possible for me? What about 60? Is that reasonable? Even 50. That would be splendid. Due to the American education system though it might be shortened even more due to stress, and maybe cut short by an intruder. I don't know. I'm just gonna cry into my pillow and forget I posted this so I can write "girl what- um.. anyways" on it tomorrow to dismiss my feelings because I shouldn't worry about this because I have a good life rn.

[loseallcontrol]

@samhainchrist500 tagged me to share 5 songs I’m currently listening to & I actually was going to make a Facebook post about it the other day bc I love sharing music w others as a love language so I love this

Current favorites:

1. All Things End: Hozier

2. Dream Girl Evil: Florence + the Machine

3. If I’m Crazy: Amigo the Devil

4. I Love You I’m Sorry (pts 1&2): Mel Bryant + the Mercy Makers

5. The Scab: an Unkindness

Bonus explanations that no one asked for:

1: hyped that he’s finally released new music & while the hook on Eat Your Young is the one going viral, this one is underrated. Idk I just love/accept the concept that everything ends either through naturally falling apart, or through death. There always some sort of natural conclusion so I shouldn’t hold on so tightly. Just appreciating things while they are happening. After my most recent breakup especially. While he did some things I find unacceptable and he probably thinks the same of me, I don’t think either of us are necessarily at fault. “We begin again” either starting over with ourselves, with others, or more broadly as energy transferring from one plane to another if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Also her newest album from last year. Kind of talks about the Madonna whore complex and how we’re expected to be everything to romantic partners- a projection of their relationship with their mom, p*rnstars, a way for them to redo past mistakes in previous relationships and ultimately just repeating them to love into the next.. yeh

3. Loved him for years now, so my favorites by him always change. I would kill to see him live one day. The pure rawness of emotion and rasp in his voice is astounding.

4. Basically my internal monologue in relationships. Constantly over apologizing for everything and nothing. Highs and lows involved. Forever feeling like both too much and not enough. Also just part of the autistic/adhd/c-ptsd experience feeling like my neurotype makes me “wrong” compared to others. The inner child just begging to be forgiven and loved wholly as I am.

5. Another band I’ve loved for a few years now. Just a jaunty tune and as always, the emotion involved. “I never go to sleep, please let me go to sleep” always hits me like a gut punch as someone chronically tired who swings wildly between insomnia and hypersomniatic states.

I think you’re supposed to tag 5 people so:

@lazychicken310 @nighttimeghosties @queerb

& whoever else wants to do it lol

[always-angelic-aspie-alice]

Comparsion is the thief of joy 🌻

I would whinge and whine and complain about all the things in my life that I do not have. A house. A partner. A stable career. Good money coming in. Children. A car. Good health.

But, instead of being a negative Nancy, I am going to say all the things I do have. A place to live. Working towards a Certificate IV. Working towards a Bachelor Degree. The motivation to look for work. Doing social media advocacy. Volunteering online. Finished high school ages ago (year 12). I have my qualifications of Early Childhood Education and Care: Certificate III, Diploma, Undergraduate Certificate, Micro-Credential and a Bridging course.

I need to be grateful of the things I do have. Because if I do not then this will turn into jealousy, rage, depression and feeling inadequate, like I am feeling, 'the fear of missing out'.

I have everything in my life that I need. Of course I want more, and I strive for me. But I need to be lucky that I have come so far, and yet I am still alive. There were plenty of times in my life where I seriously thought another person's idiotic negligence would lead me to be run over by their vehicle.

I have come so far, and I should be so, so proud. I should be proud of myself everyday, and I should be in awe of what I have achieved. I should never stop dreaming until the day I die.

Indeed, comparsion is the thief of joy, and I will not let it rob me. I live a life unique to me, being autistic, neurodivergent, in my twenties, and having chronic health issues. No one in the world is living the life I am. Being happy with my achievements, or dare I say it, being grateful is the key to accepting what I have done with my life.

Yes, I have a lot to learn. I do not know gratitude well, and I am learning still what kind of work would suit me (I am currently looking for work- again). But, things take time. And, the beautiful, magical thing about the future is that is it waiting in front of me.

But, I need to make effort with my life so if I keep pursing my goals, then that is a big motivator. Life is a honest game of having perspective, and I realise more so than ever that I cannot allow myself to compare myself to others ever again. I am on my own journey, my own path, writing my own story.. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with just comparing myself to me.

Susannah from Always Angelic Aspie Alice 🦋

Credits:

Picture of the quote courtesy of The Beauty of Positivity from Facebook

[boobi-boy]

Nothing in the stupid world compares to visiting a place you've dreamed of for years and feeling more at home there than you ever have anywhere.

I've wanted to go to Amsterdam since I was twelve. Albeit, because The Fault in Our Stars made it sound very beautiful (yes, I got a picture on the bench). Since reading the book, I became obsessed with the city. I researched its culture, its history, everything, and my appreciation grew beyond how pretty the book made it sound.

My mum decided (after seeing a Facebook post years ago) that, after each of her children (she has three) finished their GCSEs and turned sixteen, she would take them on a European holiday of their choosing. My sisters (I'm the eldest) have obviously learnt about this plan through mum taking me to Amsterdam, but since my mother was blessed/cursed with an autistic child who never stops yapping about his interests, she knew Amsterdam was my dream holiday (which always got funny looks when the thirteen year old I once was, completely unaware of Amsterdam's reputation, told adults, with full confidence, that I fantasised of visiting the city of drugs and hookers). With this information, she was able to surprise me after the trip was all booked just a few weeks before that we were going to Amsterdam in July 2023. When I tell you I was thrilled I cannot stress it enough, I'm grinning at the memory right now.

I managed to get through the trip without doing any drugs (minus the weed lolly I nicked) and it was the best experience of my whole life. I say that with wholehearted sincerity. I have literally never been happier before or since.

I learnt about its history. I visited Anne Frank Huis and the Resistance museum, getting to learn about WWII and the aftermath from a Dutch perspective really did mean a lot to me. I already loved Vincent Van Gogh but seeing his artwork and his life story before my eyes in the Van Gogh museum just made me love him and his work so much more (it also didn't fully ignore that he was queer, which was nice).

The Sex Museum, with all the laughs we got out of the animatronics and the images of OG pegging, was really interesting and I really enjoyed getting to understand the societal taboos and structures around sex throughout the ages (and I got a video of a plastic man jizzing at me it was awesome).

The canal tour was genuinely so beautiful and gave me an appreciation for the city that - despite having utmost pride in it - I've never felt so deeply for my hometown.

The people and the culture is just so lovable and, overall, the place felt like Home. I truly felt like I belonged there. It inspired my to start learning Dutch and I want to kill the Brexiteers that have made my dreams of living there someday so fucking difficult. That place will be my home someday I swear to god.

Anyways rant over I love Amsterdam!

[mirandamckenni1]

MAKE A BLANKET HOODIE: How I made my Autism Sensory Cocoon #blankethoodie #diy I been wanting sew my own blanket hoodie for a few years now. Recently I found some sherpa lined fabric on mega clearance and I knew the time had come. Join me as I make my own dream sensory cocoon to help support my sensory needs as a person on the autism spectrum. Etsy Pattern for Hoodie: https://ift.tt/RWotAZN Fabric I used is still available on clearance: Plaid Fabric (10.49 a yard): https://ift.tt/043FQcx Corduroy Fabric (11.99 a yard): https://ift.tt/Q6RjXJp If you want to check out my ETSY, it's here: https://ift.tt/hMfYoXU Join the #mugclub WOODSHEDTHEORY.COM is LIVE! Visit to order your Porch Coffee Mug Today! https://ift.tt/Rb7uf4X What do you think of my secret ETSY? neurodiversestore.etsy.com Hi! I’m Claire, and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here you will find the awkward ramblings of an adult autist. I love being creative and sharing my experiences with you. Subscribe to see more DIYs and Autism Discussions on your feed! Please subscribe if you wish and thank you for visiting. Email: woodshedtheory@gmail.com Instagram: @woodshed_theory FACEBOOK: https://ift.tt/WUOSXDE All the music and sounds in my videos are from epidemicsound.com Thumbnail was produced in Canva. B-Roll is also from Canva. via YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2xs6zd3fsY

[kittyfairyblog]

March 11 2023

 Meow meow here I am again coming to you from my bedroom. I had been watching youtube videos and being on my Steam Deck until I ran out of videos to watch. I can’t believe that happens. I am so tired of it. My folks are napping in their bedroom while I am as I stated before in my bedroom. I had an interesting day to say the least. I went with my mom and Kylie the dog to run some errands in town. While in the car I had to try to keep Kylie calm because she didn’t seem to like when the car stopped at places. Meow well we stopped at Burger King to get some food from there and I shared some fries with Kylie. Well Kylie threw up on my lap and at least there was a way to clean up the mess but when I got home I had to change clothing. I wasn’t always in the bedroom today I was also in the living room as always. I didn’t stay there long because my mom came home from next door tending to my niece and nephew. Today my sister and her new baby came home from the hospital which is good. I haven’t seen the baby physically yet. I feel tired. I didn’t get as much sleep as I used to when I had my CPAP machine. I think I must have told someone that I had messed up my CPAP machine while in a dream well that’s what happened to my CPAP machine. I must have hit it so hard that it wouldn’t function. I feel like no one wants to talk with me today other than my folks. I haven’t been able to chat with anyone of my friends on Facebook messager today. I have my bedroom blocked off keeping Kylie out of the room so she wouldn’t bark at me. I don’t know what it is with Kylie she likes to bark for attention. Meow this neko boy doesn’t understand this neighborhood where I live. I don’t like going outside like I used to when I lived in another house. My family doesn’t understand that I am simply kind of afraid of this neighborhood. Yes I am in my 30s but this neko boy just doesn’t like living here. I feel not my age. I am Autistic and Bipolar. Meow I just hit that mental wall sometimes where I can barely function. I had to couple of times while typing this blog entry to check on Kylie because she started barking from the living room at the neighborhood kids that seem not to understand what no trespassing means. We don’t have signs up but we had told these kids many times not to get in our yard. Anyway I guess I will end this entry for now. I might post some pictures or not. It really depends what happens after this. Until next time later. 

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

How to Recognize Anxiety in Yourself and Others:

Overthinking

Avoidance

Sweating

Stomach Issues

Panic attacks

Needing reassurance

Lack of patience

Procrastination

Trouble concentrating

Constant worrying

Trouble breathing

Headaches

Rapid heartbeat

Insomnia

Memory issues

Autistic and living the dream

[faeassassin]

When last we met...

I’m anticipating losing Twitter as a place to doomscroll, to vent, to find new people, to make new friends, and just in general be my weird self.

So, the last time I was really active on Tumblr I feel like I was a much different person. I started here while I was still known for writing anime fanfic. I’d had a few NaNoWriMo wins under my belt. I was a LiveJournal refugee.

And I played a lot of World of Warcraft.

a LOT of World of Warcraft

No, more than that. I was a pretty solidly hardcore raider when this account was new, then I broke up with my ex, ended up getting married to a guy I dated in high school, and became a filthy casual.

I loved it. I was completely enamored with WoW lore even without the raiding, I watched all the YT videos I could find that expounded on it, and never wanted it to end.

Then I found out the CEO of Blizzard was a sexual predator and I dropped WoW and Diablo like a hot potato.

I’d been working as a social media moderator for a company called ICUC for over six years. I got fired the morning after the Pulse shooting for speaking up for the safety of me and my team. Two years later I was working at Cognizant for a huge social media platform I am still technically not allowed to mention, and ended up with a giant case of PTSD that’s kept me from holding down a job since.

I lost my job, I lost my favorite game (and realized it was an autistic special interest of mine), and I was ready to remake myself.

Before I left that job I went out on a limb. See, I knew already that I could write awesome things that people enjoyed reading IF I could catch their attention. I’ve never lost my passion for telling stories, and I wanted to prepare an escape hatch for the nightmare I was living. I self published my first book five years ago this month. A book that was never a NaNoWriMo project. Just something I’d poked at for about ten years off and on. I had cover art. I had an editor. I had a dream. I had a little spare change to try to get noticed with a few (poorly planned) advertisements on Facebook.

I didn’t have ANY knowledge of what I was doing, I’d lost all touch with most of the people who used to be fans. I had crippling depression and growing symptoms of severe anxiety. (Physical symptoms. It was ugly.)

But what I DID have was a husband who was willing to try to make things work on one income while I started writing more books. I had a friend who happened to know a few things about graphic design who started making my cover art. I started making friends with other authors who pushed me toward better information on the business side of self publishing.

Now? I have six books published. I am proud of them. I am still writing (PTSD and grief and health issues willing, of course.) I turned to Minecraft to fill my gaming itch, and now I’ve found a new special interest in Empires SMP and Hermitcraft SMP videos. They fill that game lore void that had been sitting in my soul, and they’ve been inspiring my writing.

Also? Hi. I’m self-diagnosed autistic. Does it make any difference? Kinda. I’m still me, but it explains a LOT of my life and why I couldn’t understand why I felt so alone and couldn’t connect with anyone. Why everything was harder for me all the time, why I was so “sensitive” about everything, and...well. I could probably get a professional diagnosis, but it would be prohibitively expensive, and it wouldn’t do any good at all. Maybe some feeling of validation, I guess, but that’s about it. That’s not worth a thousand dollars out of pocket that I don’t have.

Long story short? I’m a different person now. I’m about to turn 48, and my life is a beautiful disaster. Nice to meet you again. If the Twittersphere burns down, I’ll settle in where I’ve already got roots.

[captainkurosolaire]

Was quite captivated by your words. Pulled this quote to be reminded that our creations live with us and beyond us. —- :O! This is incredible and so sweet I was momentarily wordless. Very talented to see it given creation and amazing art even. But it does still ring true, it’s a unfathomable endless sea to admire and cultivate. I really do think exploring creativity and wherever passion is/may be concerned, is our real power, it’s the closest thing I know that not only we can give others, what we can bring to life or destroy, we’re the most limitless in the grasp of transforming what’s upon our distinct minds.

=Personal Story Time= If used correctly, it’s a real throne and kingdom that should be proud of that banner we bring. I live for that sight, that moment, to hear and not only bring it to be drawn by it! The more I’ve come to also take that in, I see everything is a story and life channels it into me and I am always compelled to write or do something because of it. Even my most darkest days and creative writing stuff I went through recently, I’ve put that even back on bring out in late night story que’s for the future, all my inexperience, all my flaws. Because all that is apart of me. I can’t ret-con myself either. …And because I treat myself like that and take everything in, I’ve become someone incredibly more whole. There’s a confidence now that stirs in my chest that tells me I absolutely, can achieve anything. That entire explosive energy in me, that’s compelled me to try channeling it outwardly too. Cause if I can feel like that, I know everyone else can cause they’re/you’re my betters. Should that not be what’s felt, well then I’ll make sure while I’m thriving and living to give everything my all until patiently that day comes. Moment’s can push you beyond things never thought possible. I was in a three-day coma, doubted I could even survive after I aspirated into my lungs, a botched surgery gone array. Had my colon removed for a year and then reversed back into me to try attempt to do a procedure that would give my colon its necessary functions again. Happened suddenly and the midst of Christmas even, I remember deliriously all the strong pain-killers that are so powerful they create life-like hallucinations, the aroma, the smell, everything I could hear/see witness, I was on such high stuff, I still even had dreams and with those they were formed from the realities of my memories, my experiences. When you have something like that flash upon your life, there is a message potentially hidden in all that. I would say before that I was more introverted then 99% of the people here. I never spoke barely anyone, I was quite to myself outside the very limited people and even those who were closest never really I expressed myself cause I used to be embarrassed of how nerdy, or everything I was still. I enjoyed many interests and things that I never knew would click, I lacked it all. My answer came, in writing. My canvas, the place where I found my own freedom. Because upon something like this, it’s natural for me, this is like having my feet buried in the soil’s of awaiting beach sands, I’m the most comfort in this element and environment. Nothing beats me here, ADHD to the point I needed special-care and education, mild case of autistic, depression, anything mentally that could attack me, I could defeat here. Lay it all out, become myself. I made my autobiography at 16, barely a life yet to make a story about, but you’d be surprised it had much writing, all the future written on that page! I started writing commissions when I was 18 for people on dating apps and Facebook even. I began making my own RPG elements, character sheets, I went for anything too starry or ahead of myself, when I got my second-chance, I took it!

And it let me even though I wasn’t able to attend my high school at that time, I was able to show people myself in writing and I overcame it, I became more confident and never again did I look back. I only decided to further venture into it. Because when I woke up from that whole health, stuck in a hospital a month in my own weakness and fragility, one of my closest friends passed and that tore my world’s existence apart – because, I didn’t get to show him that side of me, the one who meant everything. Never again.

I became someone who challenge and became his worst critic, every writer has one! I’m the worst, no one can out-perform me in being toxic or against me. No one is against me like myself, no one wants me to fail like some of the noggin voices in my head. But with every voice telling me to quit, give-up, I push myself and look back at the aftermath what I created the people, I spite and made because I fight! I create! I build! I go for more, no matter how big. I am drawn back to write again and again! Until I can’t no longer. For the longest time I felt there was nowhere I belonged because how vastly different I was with this passion so strongly pumping in me. But then I found this place on Tumblr and learned blogs, I found the right RP community, I found entire acceptance and everything a whole civilization, more then a few people. It made everything become even more encouraging. Now I’m even better than that long-time ago, I haven’t forgotten those moments, they carry and make-me, but now I’m even more tenaciously passionate. And many people have struck me down, targeted how deeply I was into writing, my passions, they succeeded, beat me down, made me overthink, they aided against my worst. But their shadows, they didn’t make sure the job was done, it made errors. The darker things become, the more space it consumes. Only takes ONE tiny star and if it glimmers a shine and when it does, it will bring a light that will carries a solar system. Within here; for every voice that used to exist that was spewing against me to damage me down, there’s now with one voice of someone, who’s been inspired, praised, seen or gone to a journey and trip around this tenure. They’ve echoed billions of sounds more impactful and I resonate with it, I create off it, and it’s going to eventually show how far I can take it, grow and nurture off this. I have no limits, I’m a writer, a creator inspired by the eldest of stone.

I can lose many things, but the one thing I will never let myself be taken away from is my moments of symphony, that are my choir of newfound life.

[straycatboogie]

2023/04/04 English

BGM: Electronic - Soviet

It was 35.9℃. I exchanged some messages with a woman from Russia I had met on Facebook. She said she is reading my diary deeply so I felt glad by that. She also likes Haruki Murakami's novels, and I heard she has autistic children. She told me about them a lot, but I have been single during this life so I can't tell any certain advice. What can I do... and I thought if I connect my friends who also study autism with her. Although telling her about how Japanese situation reacts autism might not be actual for Russians, but it wouldn't work as nonsense... I want to tell her comments to them with my translation. At least, no reaction from me would work worse. But I shouldn't hurry about this so I want to tell her. Yes, I hope we could connect each other, but time would wait for me.

A Japanese proverb says our skill will help us. Although I have never thought about this, and I have even lived with no certain policy, but I might be able to say that I have supported myself with the skill of language if I look back at my life. After graduated Waseda, although I have worked at one company steadily, I even spent my time with alcohol or tried to write a novel to change my life upside down. I lived as a wanderer... and I encountered a friend of mine at my 40. She said to me "your English is so clear", and it worked me as the beginning of this idea. "I have never studied abroad, but I want to write in English". And now, I have many friends who are connected with me as the learners of English on MeWe, Discord, and Facebook. I can enjoy a certain international friendship. Oh, I am impressed by this because I was once hated terribly by others in my childhood. All of my trauma was just a dream? If the place changes, the point of view also changes...

But what can "talented" mean? What does "gifted" mean... Once I was said that "you must be a genius" on Facebook, but I never think that I am a genius. Although I am sometimes impressed (and I even think myself as awful) by the "fluent" English I have written, I notice that I have a lot of "lack of talent" in various fields. I studied a lot but couldn't master French, and I can't cook meals by myself. I can't drive a car. And, whether I am talented or not, I just do reading and learning English because I like them a lot. If I go into those activity, I can even forget my ego. Maybe people look at that myself as I am doing enormous effort or study. I never do effort or study with them. I guess they are the same activities as other people play games.

As I wrote this before in this diary, Talking about talents leads me to the memory of Taiyo Matsumoto's manga "Ping Pong". In that manga, A boy Akuma appears. He dedicates himself to the world of Ping Pong, and does training a lot. But (although this might describes that manga's core), he has to face that he loses. He has to face the stronger player, and learn his limit. But in that manga Akuma can see the happiness for him who did such great effort, and he can accept his happy end. In my opinion, his life must be happy. Yes, we can't say that everybody will end their life as champions even if they do efforts a lot. But I believe that there is a state that the people who do certain efforts can only understand, not related with they can be champions or not. I believe so, and even dream so therefore I learn English. But I am also dreaming that "I wish I could go to the stage of TED as an autistic person from Japan"... So sorry!

[tistje]

Hello Tistje “ as I saw you are using internet in a great amazing way you have your own blog . You are active on more platforms !! How do you see Tumblr in it how important is Tumblr ?? How do you see platforms in general ?? This makes me very curious .. Gr

For me Tumblr enables me to build a kind of museum in progress or collection of what and who I think is beautiful or what motivates me to enjoy life. It’s quite easy to use, I think, and not too expensive. Of course, every platform or system has its flaws, weird rules, or limitations, and so does Tumblr.

In contrast to the other social media I use, my Tumblr has only little to do with autism, or at least a first sight. With my Tumblr I try to show that there’s more than just writing text on autism related topics. Instead, I’d like to think my life consists of discovering all kinds of things, people, places, … that I dream of or dance with in my head.

How important is Tumblr to me? It’s a great way to have new input, and enjoy beauty in all its forms, and it lets me share things that are not possible on the other platforms, such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, WordPress or Medium. It also gives inspiration and stimulates me to write on other topics than I immediately think of. I also get questions in my private box, though much less than on other platforms, for advice or information on certain autism-related topics. And Tumblr is of course also a community of people I find myself related to in a way.

Finally, Tumblr is a part of the Tistje ‘sphere’, and it is one of the platforms I like to experiment with to share information, joy, inspiration of others and of myself, or to report of my pilgrimage to a way of life that is compatible with autistic living as well as living in this hypermodern (somewhat conservative) society of ours.

[mycptsdstory]

Today is actually the first day I feel okay! Since the whole lockdown thing, for like 3 and half weeks, I’ve had nothing but flashbacks and emotional flashbacks. It’s horrible! I would never dream my worst enemy to have.

Having a flashback feels like you’ve gone back in time reliving that traumatic moment. Even tho right now, you know you’re fine, you know you feel safe. But your brain is like “heyy remember this tragic moment... yeahh relive that shit” then it just puts you into this wirl wind of emotion.

Emotional flashbacks are having that emotion you felt that was so traumatic, that you feel like you’re living through it again and it feels real. It’s strange because you know, that emotion is no longer there, you know now that you are safe, but your brain tells you other wise.

I did do a Facebook post about this and it goes into detail. I haven’t found it yet, but once I do, I will post it on here. It just gives you a bigger insight on what having flashbacks is like. Even from a car crash (you can get PTSD from a car crash) or a really bad break up, you can get flashbacks of them.

Every persons pain is different, that’s why some people can handle a car crash and some people can’t. When my dad told me stories of his war missions, I know I couldn’t handle it, but he could. Everyone is different.

From my experience and talking to different people, also with the stigma of CPTSD; it doesn’t come from wars or being imprisoned. It comes from rape, abuse (from partners to family), work places, stalking, harassment and the list goes on. With CPTSD it’s not just one incident, it’s from multiple, it takes years and years of therapy to get over. Even then, that person isn’t over everything completely, but they can move on. PTSD is one tragic event and you can get over it, some people need therapy, some people don’t. I found out from my doctor when I thought I wasn’t autistic, he said “you have CPTSD. PTSD is when you get over it in a few years from one tragic event. CPTSD takes a long time and with therapy with the right therapist, that’s when you move on.” I thought, wow, he knew me.

Just thought this little information will help